When IVF And His Sperm Count Trigger Disaster For Your Relationship, Try This To Bring Back The Love

resized blogrr photos (18)

The QuestionFrom Mabel:

“Rori, after 3 years of no success making a baby, my man and I are now actively investigating IVF. The problem turns out to be his sperm. The low count, low motility, all of that – so he’s been labeled “infertile”, and, ever since we found this out, he’s been withdrawn, weird, depressed, looking at and talking to other women more than usual, uncommunicative, and totally cold to me.

I know this sperm situation is common and fixable (and I’m sure he knows mentally that it’s common, and that all the new methods they have in IVF give us a good chance of being successful anyway) – but, emotionally, it’s crippling him.

I’ve been doing my best to be supportive, helpful, and understanding, but he’s been so unresponsive and not put in the effort to do anything to fix the problem – for months and months now – and I just feel angry.

I’m frustrated and actually feel uncared for!

I KNOW he wants to be a father, but can’t get himself to do anything about it.

I feel absolutely stuck, and it’s making me feel like he’s not capable of caring about me, or our goal of having a family – and is only, always, going to be fixated on himself. Help! Mabel”

My Answer:

Mabel, I’m so sorry for all this pain and frustration, and I know your man must be in pain also – his behavior is totally understandable, and yet, for me, completely unacceptable.

It sounds like you’ve gone way over the “extra mile” to understand him and be patient, and give him time to process this information, for me, anything we do for another that damages ourselves and causes us to feel angry and “forgotten” is not anywhere near the Feminine Energy way to go about solving things, and will never work.

And, instead of going down the rabbit hole of resentment and frustration and so many things to be dissapointed in him about (what I call the “Complaint and Disappointment Department” of “The Battleground Arena”), try this:

1. Completely stop talking about this with him, or with anyone else except IVF clinics and male fertility clinics and doctors in your private research. Just stop. Don’t leave out magazines with articles about it, drop it completely.

Don’t let him hear you talking to doctors and clinics, don’t share the info with him.  Nothing, until you have a solid plan, and the words to express it.

2. Do your research on your own and become an expert, so when you DO talk with him, you have a PLAN, and a step-by-step and timeline request. This will make YOU feel better!

Do NOT expect him to do ANYTHING about this on his own!

In fact, expect him to fight you, be disrespectful and weird, so we’ll have to put together a speech that’s very carefully worded, once you have a plan.

3. While you’re gathering information, finding clinics and doctors and counselors and therapists and ideas you like, and creating your plan and timeline – really Keep asking yourself what you WANT!

*Do you really want to be a mom, or are you enabling him to fudge on all this because you’re unsure yourself?

*Or perhaps, are you afraid you’ll have a child and then he’ll leave, and you’ll be a single mom?

*Going through IVF will require a lot of you, hormones, shots, disappointment, money, real inner strength, and if he’s not capable of giving you the support you need, perhaps that’s something keeping you stuck?

4. If you pull back, LeanBack, stay calm and NOT chatty or overly sweet and nice to him (no cooking for him – go out and DO stuff!)…he’ll turn around.

He’ll start to worry,  He’ll get upset because he won’t like it.

He’ll think you’ll leave him for another man who has good sperm.

He may take even more “space”, or withdraw more at first, because he’ll feel relieved of pressure…but he’ll start to move toward you a bit.

He may try to pull you into a no-win talk – so be aware and be prepared so you don’t fall into it! This is where you need your “speech”, your Words, and your plan,  or other idea information.

WRITE IT OUT so he can literally READ your plan – ALL of it mapped out.

He has to absolutely feel that this is what you want, that you won’t be happy if you don’t do it, that it would literally end the relationship (which he’s likely planning for, which explains looking at and talking to other women) – and you have to be able to express that information simply, straightforwardly, and calmly.

NOW! –

5. This is the most important part!: 

With all your overfunctioning to “help him feel better” – his guilt and shame for being the “cause” of the “problem” in this super important situation gets amplified.

It gets bigger and bigger everytime you’re “supportive” of him.

He doesn’t even want to be around you, because it just continually triggers his guilt and shame – and then the next steps after guilt and shame are depression internally – and anger externally (towards you).

Everytime you’re “nice” and “selfless” – it makes him feel worse.

It also makes him think less of you, and resentful and angry with you (which, because he instinctively knows that anger is misplaced, makes him feel even MORE guilt and shame).

To him, you feel like his mother, just avoiding scolding him, which also kills the romance.

Also – he can actually feel your anger, resentment, frustration, and blame (you are instinctively blaming him for the hold up in the IVF process, but he perceives it as blame for the situation itself, which is, for him (and technically true, so it’s hard to mentally turn that around) “his fault”.

This makes you feel fake to him.

When you’re being nice and understanding and supportive, it feels to him like mothering (which feels awful and almost disgusting), but it also feels like a lie (which it is!) and like pressure (which it is!).

So he distances himself.

He literally disconnects from everything and gets completely stuck.

And his stuckness makes you ramp up your efforts, and…you can see the cycle getting worse and worse.

Once you’ve Leaned Back, stopped acting like a mother, stopped acting “nice’ when you don’t feel it…that changes the energy dynamic between you, but it doesn’t “solve” it!

Here’s how you solve it:

You feel all the horrible feelings you feel (anger, frustration, rage, pain, fear…) and you also feel the loving feelings you feel! (love for him, straight out, plain and simple. Love for yourself. Love for your future child.)

Then, you simply “Entertain” THOSE feelings, without pushing the others aside, and focus on staying present, in the moment (the Modern Siren Toolbox has many quick, effective Tools for that, like “Touch Objects”…!).

What happens then, is you get out of what I call the “Battlefield Arena” and onto the “Love Path”!

You smile at him without being fake, because you’re connected to love, and lust, too!

You feel frustration, but you also feel love – and you speak from the “Love Path”.

All of a sudden, you’re no longer confusing and cold to him, you’re warm and absolutely yourself.

He relaxes. He doesn’t feel triggered all the time.

You only speak to him in words of love that you truly feel.

He hears what you DO “like” and “love” about him, and so he feels less triggered.

The energy dynamic changes.

You begin to have sex.

You begin to feel more like a “team” (which you ARE!)

This is a bit of the new “Feminine WANT Process”, and although the official “WANT Course” has already completed its 6 weeks – you can take The WANT Course individually, and begin your 6 weeks of Training anytime you want!

You’ll get one-to-one private coaching for 6 weeks, including a Feminine WANT Community Interactive Masterclass with me (Rori Raye), and tons of Materials you can keep forever: Manuals, videos, audios, and ALL the video replays of my continuing Feminine WANT Community Masterclasses.

Check out the Feminine WANT Course here: 

Because of the disconnect that’s happening now, and your understandable anger, his feelings of how everything is going down the tubes because of him are overwhelming.

As soon as you can shift that around – things will change!

I hold a lot of hope for you in this situation.

Love, Rori



Posted in