When There’s Fighting – Only YOU Can Stop The Downhill Slide

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chase manHere’s a conversation with Sandy, who’s feeling confused about how to use the Tools, and needs accountability and help sticking to her plan:

“Rori, It’s Sandy, First of all, thanks for all your advice. Yes, I have started to follow them but have to say, I have probably only been able to do 50% of what you suggested, but I am going to try to do more of what you told me to do. Now, one big question I have is, you said to speak to him in short sentences and when he is in front of me, just basically nod or say “ok, I understand” or ‘oh that’s interesting’ etc and not say much at all.

I guess I am trying to understand what’s the value of me not saying much to him or even talking about my day? I don’t know how that could get him closer because wouldn’t he want to know about my day too? Could you please help me understand how that affects him? If I understand it, then I will be more aware and would be able to have that kind of communication. Right now because I don’t understand why I need to do that I go back to my usual talking and describing my day…..Thank you,

***

My Answer:

Sandy – Great question!

1. Get a journal and write down all through your day, things that you noticed, that happened – and write them down as Feeling Messages – as Poetry, instead of as “reporter descriptions”

2. Now (I also call these Passion Stories – but it’s just the Poetry and Feeling Messages we practiced in the sessions….) – when you feel it’s time to SHARE your day’s experiences – do that in these short sentences you’ve already prepared (for now, until you learn how to do it naturally…).

3. Talk about yourself ALWAYS in Poetry – NOT as a reporter

This is in the Love Forever program – and you can learn to do it yourself from whatever of my programs you have… The ebook alone will help you with this! Love, Rori

***

More from Sandy:

“Hi Rori,
I am still having trouble practicing your tools. Although I understand what you are saying to do and also sometimes even feeling more happy with my life in general etc but still find myself behaving almost the same way with my boyfriend of 6 years. I had a session with you and you had given me some tips to use to get him to commit and want to spend more time with me. Unfortunately, like I said I can’t seem to practice them consistently.
However, I think I figured out what gets in my way and that’s why I am asking your advice what to do now. Here is how it goes!

He seems to have a very short fuse with me. He gets angry at me for simple things very quickly, for example, if he calls me and he can’t hear me well on the phone for any reason, maybe because I am talking low because I am at work or the connection is not good etc etc, after saying, “I can’t hear you 2/3 times, he will say something like “I can’t fucking hear you, why don’t you call me when you can talk louder?”. Yes, this is very disrespectful and that immediately throws me off from my cool because I can’t stand anyone talking to me that way. So, then either I yell back at him or hang up or send him a lecturing text that I don’t appreciate this kind of behavior bluh bluh bluh. Bottom line is then I dont feel like being nice or gracious to him anymore and I feel angry at him for a while. So, in the end I find that we are bickering again over stupid things like that all the time.

He of course will say sorry little later and then he will do it again the next time. I SIMPLY CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THIS REPEAT BEHAVIOR. I constantly think of giving up and telling him I am ending it and at the end I don’t. As far as circular dating, so far, I haven’t been successful at it either.

What is it for me to do when he yells at me over absolute minor things like that? Do I just let him? Nothing I say seem to work. I am at a loss. Please help! Thank you so much…”

My Answer:

Sandy – one of the things here that you can fix IMMEDIATELY – is to STOP doing the things you KNOW annoy him.

Do NOT pick up the phone at work, or in a busy place where you have to lower your voice!!!

That would annoy ANYONE!!

Use text instead…”Feeling surrounded by noise…yummy lunch coming up…” – or whatever poetry/Feeling Message you have to share, or just answer his voice message when you can get to a private place and call back.

Do NOT get into arguments with him.

If he YELLS at you – the first time – just listen to him!

Nod your head. Say “I hear you, I hear how angry you are, what would you like me to do for next time?”

In other words, ask him to solve the problem, and stop fighting him!

If he yells and is mean and nasty to you, besides just venting a little – which is just fine if you don’t take the “bait,” – then say “I can’t hear this right now, it feels awful…” and leave, hang up the phone, get out of the room.

This is a very short version of it all – please pull out the ebook and work with it some more! Love, Rori

 

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356 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on June 24, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Hiyah! on top of the world



  2.  #2k2012 on June 24, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Hey Daria, u know when I came on I noticed there were no comments. Was going to say “I am first” but then I said let me refresh in case someone beat me to it. So I am second. Lol



  3.  #3Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Groan



  4.  #4Daria on June 24, 2013 at 7:50 am

    I am CDing and yesterday spent the evening with GetRight

    who is treating me better and drinking less!

    Getright really wants me to have his baby!

    🙂

    its so cool that i can bond with him more easily now that im seeing Bookieman regularly… i just fall into sweet connected mode

    oh an di was easily able to ask Getright to eat me! in a non-he’s not gonna do it way

    yay!

    and at the end he hella wanted to have sex and have me come over and i basically didnt unless he was gonna eat me

    i said im feeling horny and im gonna stay at home and play w myself!

    lol!

    yay i feel so happy!

    i know he’s gonna take it seriously now (thinking about going down on me if he wants sex)



  5.  #5Daria on June 24, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Lol hi ladies 😀



  6.  #6Daria on June 24, 2013 at 7:54 am

    he;s like we always had sex before without me doing that

    smh… wish i hadnt experimented with letting guys have sex with me without doing that for those years (2006-2011)

    smh that was NOT wassup for me

    so glad im not doing THAT anymore

    i knew better when i was younger pre 2006 it was a nono

    there was one guy who i did do it with without that and eh i am not even trippin!

    because im so not interested in that anymore

    im so focused on MY pleasure!



  7.  #7k2012 on June 24, 2013 at 7:54 am

    I just read the post. Relationships are a work in progress eh, Rori and Daria. My goodness. Finding a man is hard. That’s where I am now. When u find a man, a good man, that is, there are all sorts of challenges. U and the man have to work hard to keep each other. Its a piece of work. Next month will be one year since my last relationship ended. Not even one date I have gone on. Can’t seem to find anyone. I am making my way back to online dating, although that won’t be the only route I will focus on to find a man.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 7:57 am

    “I can’t hear this right now, it feels awful…” and leave, hang up the phone

    The other day I did this with a male friend. My daughter was helping his child with something. I volunteered my daughter’s help, then he was making more demands and when I said no he kept going so I hung up. Later he came raising his voice in front of two kids telling me I disrespected him and he will never speak to me again blah blah blah



  9.  #9Daria on June 24, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Im gonna practice this post with my Dad and with men of course

    i feel excited to have a gameplan



  10.  #10Daria on June 24, 2013 at 8:18 am

    i havent heard from Bookieman since Friday, i even texted HIM *muah* yesterday, but its through an online texting service so he wouldnt see it unless he logs on

    im not really trippin tho

    i know he’s tryna get it together to come see me now

    smh

    i wonder how these men are gonna transform to give me more and more of what i want!

    i wonder what amazing stuff and experiences ill be receiving,

    what amazing men and women are gonn ashow up in my life



  11.  #11Daria on June 24, 2013 at 8:19 am

    k2012 – i hear you, i want to take myself out more where there are men and meet some !



  12.  #12Daria on June 24, 2013 at 8:21 am

    I feel scared to take myself out, i keep telling myself ill feel awkward going out by myself somewhere where there’s actually attractive men
    and that i dont have enough money to just go



  13.  #13Daria on June 24, 2013 at 8:22 am

    i’ve also felt scared to dress up and go out lately, i feel intimidated thinking of the attention



  14.  #14Daria on June 24, 2013 at 8:32 am

    i’m so proud of myself for chilling and kissing and opening up to sex and love with Getright right after my time with Securityman(bookieman)

    i feel so much less needy and so much less obsession i feel like a full person on my own right now and like i have the strenght and energy to makemy own decisions

    yayyy 🙂



  15.  #15Syreena on June 24, 2013 at 9:00 am

    There is a subtle difference between stating what are individual needs and requirements to be in a relationship, expressing what I want and need and being needy.

    Pretending to not have needs or reqirements will not ever get me the relationships I truely want and desire.
    Everyone has needs. They are not wrong.

    Pretending to not care or to be cool about something feels like me trying to be something I am not.
    It doesn’t sit comfortabally with me. Like not accepting who I really am and wanting to be someone I am not in order to look good and be something someone else wants me to be. All that will get me is a pretend relationship where I appear or act happy on the surface. The girl with the fake smile whilst inside I am crying or numbed out.
    I don’t want to be one of those girls with the fake smiles pretending I am fine when I am not.

    Although also I do not want to give people who enjoy seeing others in distress power over me by knowing what buttons to push to get that reaction.



  16.  #16Syreena on June 24, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I feel happy that you feel good Daria.
    I realise that I actually have nor ever experienced feeling
    proud. I feel in wonder in what that feels like. I do not understand that feeling apart from that it feels good.



  17.  #17Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Millie and Mercedes from the previous blog post : Thank you!!!!

    I came to work and he was behind me, but he didnt know it. I got in the elevator and then got to my desk. I got a phone call one minute later. “Hey, were you just at the elevators?” I said yes…. he said “I knew it!!! I smelled your perfume.” 🙂

    So then we talked for almost two hours on the phone. I know – unproductive. LOL. But it was awesome, just chit chatting.

    I was easy breezy. Talked about the weekend, life, etc. He didnt bring up Sat. and neither did I. I’m not going to.

    But I had a HUGE revelation, and my friend helped me figure out EXACTLY what to do.

    I know that I seek approval from him and reassurance. I also know (and now remember) that the way he has broken up with every girl in his past history is to fade away. So now, I realize that subconciously his attempts at just getting some space have left me feeling anxious and terrified because I always think its the beginning of the fade away.

    So!!!! AT some point (not today or maybe even this week.) I’m going to use this script: Sirens – please edit accordingly 🙂

    Here we go:

    I really enjoy you and spending time with you. I love you, I feel loved, and I love what we have. You take care of me when I need you. I respect who you are and I love that I “get you”. I dont want you to change, and love who you are right now. And I also respect that you are so independent, its what attracts me to you. I know that you need alone time and independent time for yourself, and I want to honor that. Because sometimes I feel a need to connect and you are needing space, I think subconsciously I wonder if you are doing the fade away, like you have with past girlfriends.

    So, I have a request. Because this is what I need, and for my sake, if you are ever at a place where you don’t want to continue the relationship, I just ask that you be honest and straight with me and tell me. That way, any time you just need space or time to yourself, I wont take it as a sign that you are fading out, and it will make it easier for me to allow you to do that, and it will allow me to spend that time for myself as well, understanding that you are just recharging and relaxing.

    Thoughts? Tweaks?

    This is the crux of what I want to say – If he is a man that needs alone time to recharge that is honestly FINE with me (I’ve thought a lot about this) but I just need to know that he isnt doing the fade away. To me, this is about ME not HIM. Its about what I NEED to be ok. I need him to say that if he ever wants to break up – he will just tell me and not do the pull away – I deserve that. That way, when he needs time alone, etc. I dont take it personally, and I can just let him be.

    What do you think?



  18.  #18Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Syreena, I really liked your post. I think that there is a line between saying what you need and being needy. Its hard to find sometimes. I feel like you understand! 🙂



  19.  #19Syreena on June 24, 2013 at 9:25 am

    It feels easy for me to empathise with both Sandy and her man on this one.

    I so get the not hearing someone on the phone and getting angry and cross if after explaing I can’t hear that they still just keep speaking at the same volume.

    I so get that Sandy doesn’t want to be sworn at or have the phone put down on her.

    What
    I don’t get and feel confused about is that as women it is ok for a man to vent at us. But not ok for us to vent at a man.



  20.  #20BeLoved on June 24, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Relationship Tool of the Week – Bring Him Close With Your Inner Drama Queen

    If you sometimes feel like your man has all the Power in your relationship, and you feel almost desperate to get your strong sense of yourself back, I learned something very valuable (the hard way) this weekend that I know will help you, too.

    If you’re at all like me, you value being “nice,” being “liked,” and being “well thought of.”

    So, if you’re like me – being a “Drama Queen” is just out of the question.

    Well, that’s all nice and good, wanting to be “mature” and “well spoken” and “thoughtful,” but for most of us, all that “carefulness” and “political correctness” gets us to the same place – pushing our men away!

    How can that be?

    How can we push a man away by being “nice” and “mature”?

    Well, as I’ve known since the moment I turned my marriage around years ago, and as I teach my clients and write and create programs about for you, valuing “nice” and “mature” over AUTHENTIC can just kill a man’s love for you.

    And it’s not because there’s something so wrong with “nice.”.

    It’s because sometimes our “nice” is just not REAL.

    Because we value being liked more than being Authentic, we can stuff down our feelings.

    I still struggle with this – and as aware as I am about it, it still always surprises me when I choose the “high road” – choose to let something that’s bothering me go rather than speaking up about it.

    These are the moments when my inner Drama Queen can actually HELP!

    So – what does YOUR inner Drama Queen look like?

    Is she so not welcome inside you that you’d do almost anything to not let her out?

    Are you so afraid she’ll turn you into a raging Drama Queen out there in the world that you push her down and try to keep her covered up?

    Well, the one thing I know is that if you don’t love your inner Drama Queen, and instead resist her as much as you can – that’s when you actually DO turn INTO a Drama Queen.

    It’s as though the fight to keep her from taking over makes her squeak by you so you end up acting like a Drama Queen anyway.

    Only – instead of YOU GUIDING her, so that her words come out THROUGH YOU, in Feeling Messages instead of attacks, and so her feelings inspire a man to HELP you instead of run from you – she comes out without your consent and without your control.

    Your inner Drama Queen just jumps out and splatters all over everything. It’s those moments when we do or say something we wish we hadn’t.

    And then you remember the moment when you first felt angry or upset and didn’t say anything about it when it happened – and you KNOW that if you’d just spoken out – authentically and truthfully in that moment, you wouldn’t have turned into a Drama Queen just now.

    So – love your inner Drama Queen.

    Loving her and embracing her will make it possible for you to avoid ACTING like a drama queen.

    Let her speak to you.

    Let her say what’s on her mind.

    Let her into your heart, feel her feelings and use YOUR WORDS to say what’s going on inside you.

    You can do this.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can make you calmer and easier on the outside.

    Your Drama Queen on the inside can help you stand up for yourself and be stronger.

    So – talk to her.

    Ask her what her name is.

    Ask her if she’ll help you be stronger, more direct, authentic, and VULNERABLE.

    Try this Tool and see if you feel a little lighter, a little more in step with yourself – I know that I did.

    In my Toxic Men program, I have a whole section on getting to know and embracing your inner “Stranger” – this will help you so much to stop attracting and being attracted to toxic and difficult men. You can take a look at it (and all my programs) on the “Rori’s Catalog” page here…For now, just listen to your inner Drama Queen instead of shutting her up, and see what she has to offer you – and let me know how she helps you.

    Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/relationship-tool-of-the-week-bring-him-close-with-your-inner-drama-queen/



  21.  #21Syreena on June 24, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Elsie to me it makes me feel uncomfortable reading or suggesting ignoring that he didn’t ring to let you know if he was coming over if that is what he agreed to do.

    Not mentioning to me would feel like ignoring and abandoning my true feelings and my true self. Pretending that I was cool with soething I wasn’t cool about and didn’t want to be cool about.
    If someone has made an agreement with me that they will let me know and ring and then they don’t this would bother me.
    It would bother most people. It is not wrong to feel upset or bothered by this.

    To me it feels bad to hear that you are making your feelings of being upset wrong.

    Aren’t we all here to express our truth in the moment.
    Not with intention and expectation of making another person responsible for our feelings as we then have to ultimately be the ones to take responsibilty for them and if we want to tolerate being treated like that.

    As we have no control over what others do or how they behave we are only able to decide if we will accept having someone in our lives who does this or not.

    By telling the truth the other person will either hear us and next time ring, or they will just carry on and do the same over and over. Then we have to make the choice if it is a deal breaker or not.

    If you say nothing either he or another person will definitely do this to you again as they will think you are cool and ok with it.

    Not being cool about it does not mean you are not a ‘cool’ girl or needy. It means that you require and need people to ring and confirm if that is what they have agreed. Either this is a requirement that you need from everyone or it isn’t.

    Either it bothers you or it doesn’t.

    Only you know deep down how much it bothers you.

    It doesn’t matter if it would bother someone else. Or if they need and require this.
    What do you need and require.

    I want a man who is best suited to match my individual needs and requrements.

    What do you want?



  22.  #22Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Elsie: “if you are ever at a place where you don’t want to continue the relationship”

    Why would you want to bring that up? To show him (tell him) that you are insecure about being able to make the relationship last and that you want to be prepared in case it doesn’t? That deep down you believe it will all end?

    ” I just ask that you be honest and straight with me and tell me.”

    Can you trust that he will be? Or are you assuming here that he will say “Ok”. Can you even imagine him saying “Well…I appreciate you asking me but no, I would rather just fade away.” Do you think, if the fade away approach is “him” that by you asking him to do it different with you, he actually will? I mean, in a situation where he is breaking up with you? Do you think your idea of how he should do it will still carry weight?

    “I think subconsciously I wonder if you are doing the fade away, like you have with past girlfriends.”

    I don’t think any man ever wants to be reminded of past girlfriends and how he handled them. And I think they especially don’t want to be reminded by their current girlfriend.

    How about just knowing that he needs some time to himself and trusting that your relationship is strong enough to handle that? How about being secure and confident in what the two of you have? How about showing him you trust him. How about maybe not leading this.

    Take a look at what you are doing here. You are leading him (the relationship) so much that you are trying to tell him how to break up with you…. Why would you do that?

    “That way, any time you just need space or time to yourself, I wont take it as a sign that you are fading out, and it will make it easier for me to allow you to do that, and it will allow me to spend that time for myself as well, understanding that you are just recharging and relaxing.”

    Elsie – relax. You don’t need him to do anything to “allow you to spend that time for yourself”. SPEND time for yourself. If that means you aren’t available for a man who didn’t actually make plans with you then…well…he’ll learn his lesson. And if you ARE available when he surprises you and comes over (because coming over without plans should always be a surprise…not a relief after you’ve been waiting for him) you will be happy to see him.

    Relax….please…he does not need to hear what you want him to do in order to give you a head’s up to whether or not he’s breaking up with you.

    It sounds really insecure and clingy and I’m on a mission to get you strong!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  23.  #23Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Syreena: I completely agree with this – “By telling the truth the other person will either hear us and next time ring, or they will just carry on and do the same over and over. Then we have to make the choice if it is a deal breaker or not.

    If you say nothing either he or another person will definitely do this to you again as they will think you are cool and ok with it.”

    We get the treatment we allow…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  24.  #24Dominique on June 24, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Elsie – 17 – please don’t.

    xxoo



  25.  #25Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Elsie one thing I suspect you are missing. He is addicted to your scent. He chased you. The message here is that he is attracted. You don’t have to keep going to him or asking for anything. Just find ways to build on the attraction. I feel if you had known he was behind you and turned around to him you would not have received the call. I believe these are the little clues that kinda shows what he needs and also prove he has you on his mind and is drawn towards you



  26.  #26Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I just ask that you be honest and straight with me – suggest that he has been dishonest and lying up to this point.



  27.  #27Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Also telling him that you love him so many times suggests trying hard to convince logically that he should love you back.

    I believe with men words like respect, appreciate, admire and trust gets more mileage than love. When I use them I almost always get an “I love you” right back. Always amazes me. I will deliberately leave out the “love” word and use these with one particular guy and he never fails to say “I love you”.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 10:30 am

    ” I also respect that you are so independent, its what attracts me to you”

    I also find independence attractive and told that to a man. I feel attracted to him partially because he keeps himself aloof and independent as if he doesn’t need anybody or anything.

    After I told him I realized unconsciously I asked myself what does that mean about me? Where am I being aloof and keeping love at bay? Do I believe that I can be independent and still be in a loving relationship as an independent person?



  29.  #29Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Elsie: I just can’t stop thinking about this. All of the things below are things YOU can work on without telling him what he’s doing wrong (or what he’s done wrong in the past or what you’re afraid he’ll do wrong in the future). All of these insecurities feel to me like they need healed on the inside of you so that you can be confident and happy regardless of how a man is acting (or might act if you don’t head it off at the pass):

    “sometimes I feel a need to connect and you are needing space, I think subconsciously I wonder if you are doing the fade away, like you have with past girlfriends.” – (Healing this one will save your life when it comes to any relationship you ever have with GS or anyone else. Believing that a man is bringing his past baggage into YOUR relationship will kill the relationship. Besides, GS is proving he doesn’t always do the fade away. He’s still living with another woman and very slowly moving out of that relationship while being honest with her that it is over. He’s proven that he’s different now.)

    More on your own healing:

    “Because this is what I need, and for my sake, if you are ever at a place where you don’t want to continue the relationship, I just ask that you be honest and straight with me and tell me. ”

    “That way, any time you just need space or time to yourself, I wont take it as a sign that you are fading out,”

    “and it will make it easier for me to allow you to do that”

    “and it will allow me to spend that time for myself as well, understanding that you are just recharging and relaxing.”

    “I just need to know that he isnt doing the fade away.”

    “Its about what I NEED to be ok.”

    “I need him to say that if he ever wants to break up – he will just tell me and not do the pull away”

    “That way, when he needs time alone, etc. I dont take it personally, and I can just let him be.”

    Elsie – Only YOU can get your self-esteem to where it needs to be in order for you to feel secure and confident. If the inside of you doesn’t heal, you will always put pressure on HIM to make you feel secure. It won’t get easier unless he spends 24/7 with you and even then, it may not feel good. And even you know that wouldn’t be fair to do with him anyway.

    In my experience, these types of insecurities only get worse (by experience, I mean my own insecurities). He can say everything you ask him to say and can repeat it 100 times per day but until you believe it in your heart (based on his actions, not his words), you’ll never feel secure enough.

    Please, please take some of this work on internally and allow him the opportunity to experience you as you grow on your own. My guess is that he will truly find it crazy, irresistibly attractive.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I wonder if these words would work better:

    “I’m feeling a shift, maybe even a distance, in our relationship. Is there anything you need to tell me?” (or “anything I need to know” or “anything we need to talk about” – depending on what feels most natural)

    Then…if he says “No”…believe him.

    If he says “Yes”…REALLY listen to him.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  31.  #31Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 11:39 am

    First off – Thank you all. I feel so supported, and maybe I feel a little guilty. I dont want to monopolize the board, but I do appreciate the help so much!!!

    Syreena – You are right. I do not like it. But as CCarter says “happy people are patient people.” I will tell him, just not today. I dont “feel” its right to say it right now. The next time that its possible for us to potentially get together, I will bring it up then. It did bother me, but there is a time and a place to say things. Today he and I have had some pleasant conversations and we did hang out a bit around lunch time which was initiated by him. So….you are right, I do need to say something, just not today. Patience, young grasshopper, I keep saying to myself. 🙂

    Ok on to my script. I’m FLOORED that you girls hate it. LOL. I thought I came up with something brilliant. LOL. I am dumbfounded that you all hate it – but then I took a moment and really really read what you all have to say…..wow.

    Mercedes: Wow. OK – so much to digest from what you wrote. I literally laughed and gasped out loud at this… Take a look at what you are doing here. You are leading him (the relationship) so much that you are trying to tell him how to break up with you. LOL – omg. omg!!!! Mercedes – please start a therapy wing of your new business. LOL. I would never have seen it like that.

    Mercedes – there is so much in what you wrote, that I have to read it many times. I am sure you are totally right, but I need time to digest it. I think you are right about some of it – but I honestly believe that I was trying to come from a place with that script of saying what it was that I NEED, not telling him what he was doing wrong, but rather what I need……I guess I dont trust that he wont break up with me. I dont believe that what I really want will show up for me……I have to really cut and paste what you wrote and think about it a lot – there is truly so much there….thank you.

    FW – haha – I never thought of that. I love that he knows what I smell like. I laughed and asked him if I put on too much purfume or if its just that it smells horrible (can you die from an odor – from Seinfeld….LOL) or that his nose is so sensitive. He said no, I never said I didnt like it (he also has never said that he DOES like it for the record) but then he said – no, i think my nose is so sensitive…..but I had never thought of the fact he smelled that and then IMMEDIATELY had to call me. haha!!! Thank you!



  32.  #32Dominique on June 24, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Elsie – I feel concerned. There is pattern here of keeping your focus on the details, what he did or didn’t say, what he did or didn’t do, what you need to say or not say, do or not do.

    And this is keeping you from the work you need to be keeping your focus on, YOU, your stress, your anxiety, your spiraling thoughts which send you spinning into some form of an abyss.

    You cannot control him, and would you really want to? He will figure this out, or he won’t. You don’t want to be directing him.

    Focus on Elsie, support and validate Elsie, love on Elsie fiercely.

    xxoo



  33.  #33Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Elsie: Try making a list of your needs that are not specific to any particular situation. It might be a short list and it might be a long one…that part doesn’t matter so much. I need a man who…

    1. Lets me know in advance if he’s coming over or not. (are there specifics? Like by 6:00 pm or the night before or whatever? If so, list them)

    2. Tells me he loves me every single day (I don’t know if this is really a need of yours or not, I’m just trying to give you examples).

    3. Whatever else here. Please try not to make it specific to any situation or too picky (meaning if a guy just flat out will never do this, you won’t be too hurt. It’s okay to prefer something different but we’re talking about actual “I need this in order to be happy” things). I also suggest you not make this list about anything GS does or doesn’t do. If you MUST use a man for a reference, use you ex-husband. Don’t use GS at all because it will sway your list some).

    No need to share the list with me, I just think it would be good for you. Then, if you want, we can take the exercise further when you are done. Just let me know.
    On another note: I absolutely know you were not coming from a place where you were trying to tell him what he does wrong. I know that with everything in me. But whether that was the intent or not, when you tell a man what you want him to do vs what he is already doing, you are telling him what he is doing is wrong. I know absolutely that you don’t mean it that but it is the subliminal message you send. There is a place for this, but in the case of your relationship, you’ve told him a LOT about your needs vs what he’s currently doing and it will start to wear a hole in the relationship.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  34.  #34Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Mercedes – Interestingly enough at the very beginning of this relationship before I knew about him on that kind of a level at ALL….I sat down and wrote a list of characteristics I wanted in a man. He meets almost every one of them. And the ones he doesnt meet, I decided over time were not nearly as important as the ones he does meet. Its an interesting list, and I’m very glad that I did it.

    I have never done a list like what you are talking about though. I think it would be difficult to come up with, but I am going to try, I think it will be an interesting exercise!!! Thank you!



  35.  #35Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Elsie: No need for another list. Before him, you decided what you need in a man. He fits that list. So…let him be who he is. No need to rewrite it another way. He is your dream man.

    Unless…Does he still fit the list? If so, I would venture to say he is still the right man for you. I would then encourage you to let him stay that man. These things you want him to do differently will ultimately change him if he’s able to do what you say. Do you really want that?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  36.  #36Wildgeranium on June 24, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    I’m feeling particularly triggered by Elsie being happy with a 2 hour phone conversation (at work) after no contact for 2-3 days. I can see where my self-esteem has been so low that I would think this was O.K.

    Its a constant struggle for me to define what kind of relationships I want and stick to it, rather than make a crummy situation feel o.k. when its really not.

    Elsie, if–instead of spending 2 hours on the phone with him at work–you said to him “It’s good to hear your voice. I need to get back to work, I have a lot on my plate today. Have a great day!” , what do you think would happen? Don’t you think that would make him curious about you? Don’t you think he might make an effort to see you outside work? I would feel curious to see how he responded.



  37.  #37Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Mercedes: What do you think about Wildgeraniums comment? I would be totally interested in your opinion. I’m not saying I dont mention the fact he didnt text me on Sat. – I’m saying I think I dont mention it now. Right?



  38.  #38Wildgeranium on June 24, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    “…. it was awesome, just chit chatting.” (at work)

    Sorry Elsie, just can’t let this go…. Is this really what you think is awesome? I think its honestly–boring.

    Awesome, to me, is when a man makes a clear and obvious effort to see me on a date, on a weekend, and then makes me feel special when we are together. <–in a nutshell.



  39.  #39MovingMagic on June 24, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Elsie, I’m learning to be more & more okay with men coming & going in my life. I make plans with my girlfriends, take lots of dance & yoga classes, go out dancing when I want to go. Perform in amazing performances, & plan trips with me in mind. If men need space, they’re welcome to take it…because I’m not basing my happiness on them being in it. It takes work, love & lots of patience with myself. I prefer this me though. I’m becoming my own best friend. What would being your own best friend look like to you? 🙂 *hugs



  40.  #40flower on June 24, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    the only problem i have with the man i liked is that he stopped phoning, when i bumped into him few weeks ago he said he would be in touch when all cools off and since then he hasnt phoned me once, i have bumped into him once a week or twice , and hes nice, sometimes he has flirted , and today i called him up as need something professionally and he was last person i called after running out of options, he couldnt do it, anyway i used the occasion that i ahd him on the phone and i said to him that not at work but i wanted to talk to him , and yes i kept it neutral

    so no appoitment has been made to talk either, if hes not attracted anymore to em at least id like to hear that and i dont want him to talk to me for a minute or two in public places



  41.  #41Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Elsie I know you asked Mercedes but……

    “rather than make a crummy situation feel o.k. when its really not” – It is my opinion that only you can know how it feels regardless of what anyone says. I felt triggered by the reference to “crummy situation” as if it is making the man wrong. My sense was that he said he would tell you if he could meet up on Sat. There was no commitment on his part. You were hanging onto a maybe “again”. Making it huge because this man might be all that you have going on in your life right now. I cannot say I felt he did anything wrong. He was just living his life. You chose to put yours on hold for him. He owes no apology or explanation for living his life.

    WildGeranium’s script I love. It changes your pattern. Shows him you value your time. Sets up a pattern for him to chase you. Likely would have left him wanting for more. Several things if said in the right tone of voice and with the playful mindset could have ramped up the attraction he was already feeling. Human nature is to want what you can’t have. His sense of smell was alreay tantalized. Maybe you could have used his imagination also with something like “I am feeling naked and exposed with all the work I need to catch up on”.

    It is already easy for him because you work in the same place. I appreciate that WildGeranium is encouraging you to use his masculine hunter instinct. Spending so much time on the phone doesn’t get him to value your time, it shows him he is more important to you than your career, it also helps him to get his fill of your energy with no effort on his part. Moving a step or two out of his reach could rebuild the sexual tension. Keep in mind that you are not looking for *friendship*.



  42.  #42Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    For one day Elsie I would say do the opposite of what you would naturally do.



  43.  #43Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    WildGeranium: Your comment in 38 really triggered me.

    Is this REALLY what you think is awesome?

    I am certain your intentions are good. I have a lot to work through here, clearly in my own life and in my relationship.

    But your “tone” on here suggests that my feelings are somehow wrong.

    It DID feel good to see him. It DID feel awesome to talk to him. To connect with him, to talk about our weekend etc. It did feel good.

    Would it have felt better if he had shown up in a tuxedo and a limo with a dozen roses and professed his undying love and then whisked me away in a helicopter….yah, I guess.

    He makes me feel very special when we are together and alone. Very special.

    I dont need a whole lot. Sitting on chairs in the backyard watching the kids play and a long chit chat is the definition of a great evening for me.

    So – yah, talking to him was nice. It also made me realize that he isnt doing a slow fade. If he didnt want to talk to me, he wouldnt. This man doesnt do anything he doesnt want to do.

    So, in a way, while your comment triggered me, it made me realize and be able to stand up for myslef and say – YES. It was nice and awesome to talk to him for two hours after not talking to him during the weekend. I wasnt sure what I would come into to work today, and it was nice to see him.

    I’m sorry you think its boring. Maybe someone will swoop you up in a helicopter or something to give you the dramatic awesomeness you need.

    For me? I LIKE boring and being comfortable with someone. I like all of that. I would much rather have that than flowery words spoken to me and much ado about nothing. I’ve had that.

    Still waters run deep. I’ll take them any day over loud noisy dramatic outbursts of affection truly signifying nothing. Thats just me.

    Thanks for saying this post – it actually made me realize that about myself. 🙂



  44.  #44Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Rereading Wildgeranium’s script now feels cold and dismissive. It seems to lack feeling. It is the intention behind the script that I love.



  45.  #45Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    FW – Yes. You are right. And I actually did WildGeraniums script in a way. We talked for a while, but then even though it was a long time, I was the one to get off the phone which I dont usually do. I told him, well….I have a lot of work to do and I need to talk to Richard about xxx, and he said ok. Then he called later about lunch.

    FW – Yes. You are TOTALLY right. 100%. There was no commitment on his part. You were hanging onto a maybe “again”. Making it huge because this man might be all that you have going on in your life right now. I cannot say I felt he did anything wrong. He was just living his life. You chose to put yours on hold for him. He owes no apology or explanation for living his life.

    Agreed. 100%. I didnt think of this either. He didnt do anything wrong. There was no committment. At all. The only thing was that he knows I have said its important for me to have him text one way or another. But, you are right.



  46.  #46Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Such a great learning moment.

    Wildgeranium did not call Elsie boring but that was how it was taken. Personally.

    It reinforces for me how right Rori’s work is. We have to choose our words. Tearing down, beating up, criticism can be innocuous. It is not there, yet it is there.



  47.  #47Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Elsie: I didn’t want to comment on anything like this because of your request on the other thread for no tough love. So, if you still feel that way, I would suggest you not read this comment at all. As in stop right here.

    To me, a man who doesn’t initiate contact while you are out of town for a whole week, doesn’t initiate contact the entire weekend after you get back, makes tentative plans and then doesn’t show up or call and then pretends nothing is wrong with that and spends two hours killing time on the phone with you is giving you crumbs…and you are absolutely eating them up.

    I don’t like how GS treats you when it comes to making you a priority but when I say things like that, you tend to tell me how much you love him and how perfect he is for you and how things will change so much when he is no longer living with this other woman and you are officially divorced. So…I choose not to bring it up too much.

    I agree completely with her comment. You have hours upon hours to talk on the phone with him at his whim (as you said, you always let him initiate so that means all these hours of conversation are hours that you are sitting there available for him) but he has basically zero opportunity to make a point to see you. Yes, I’d be ending those phone conversations after less than 5 minutes. If he misses you, then he can come see you. After work. And in a place where he can be affectionate like a real boyfriend would be.

    No…I’m with Wildgeranium completely. He gives you crumbs and you try to figure out a way to sweetly tell him how to bake you a cake when in reality, you should be so much more focused on YOU and what is good enough for YOU and how you are planning to go about getting the treatment you deserve (without focusing on how you can change someone to give you that treatment).

    If he’s your dream man though…as I said before…then let him be that. If he is the man you want no matter what then I would not try to change him. If he’s not, then I think you should focus on at least being open to finding out who is.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  48.  #48Wildgeranium on June 24, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    Elsie, it was more of an honest question than a challenge to your beliefs.

    Chit chatting on the phone with you for a long time while at work requires little to no effort on his part.

    If I were dating this man and he showed no effort during his free time away from work, that would be a red flag.

    I wouldn’t address or ignore the fact that he did not contact you all weekend as part of a strategy. I would probably ignore it at this point as part of completely turning back into myself. (myself being the only thing that I can truly change or have any control over). If he wants to find out how your are doing, what is going on with you, etc. etc., then he is going to have to make an effort–outside of work, on his own free time–to come find out what is going on with Elsie.

    From everything I have read of yours, you want to be “courted”. Working with someone makes this really difficult. You want to be courted outside of work. Not at work. Right?



  49.  #49Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    “Keep in mind that you are not looking for *friendship*.”

    Yes.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  50.  #50Wildgeranium on June 24, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Oh dear, I’m terrified of helicopters! Hopefully none of those in my future….

    YOU are clearly not boring Elsie! You seem spunky, sensitive, sweet, smart and very very girly feminine, and I really really hate seeing you be treated– the way it is coming through in your posts–the way that he is. The boring comment was about chatting at work. Honestly, I feel pretty mad at him that he wouldn’t call you all weekend, or spend time with you, not even mention it, and talk to you on the phone all that time. Like, he doesn’t know how you’ve been fretting over him for days….its torture.

    My idea of awesome would be chatting with a guy over take out chinese at a restaurant, or either of our houses.

    To me, there is a huge difference between those 2 scenarios.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    “The only thing was that he knows I have said its important for me to have him text one way or another”

    Elsie think with me here like you are wearing his shoes. I know I don’t like people telling me what to do. Giving me instructions on how to live my life. It is my pet peeve with my mother. I feel like exploding when people start telling me what to do.

    Think of Simon Says game or pulling on a puppet strings. Would it feel the same if it is his idea and initiative to do this? Think of how thrilling it felt when you got that phone call, knowing that you did nothing consciously to push him to call. He just called.



  52.  #52Elsie on June 24, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Mercedes. I couldnt help myself. I read it.

    To me, a man who doesn’t initiate contact while you are out of town for a whole week, doesn’t initiate contact the entire weekend after you get back, makes tentative plans and then doesn’t show up or call and then pretends nothing is wrong with that and spends two hours killing time on the phone with you is giving you crumbs…and you are absolutely eating them up.

    I need time to myself. I dont know what to think now. I’m very confused. I thought you even said that J would have said that its not a big deal and he is taking time for himself, no biggie.

    Ok – this seems to be in direct contradiction to…

    Ok – I just need to get off of here and think.



  53.  #53Turquoise on June 24, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Elsie, yes… Men need time to themselves, and sometimes it’s at a time when we really wish they didn’t. But when someone lives you, they also don’t forget to remember you and make you a priority, regardless if they are busy with many other things. This may be just a rough patch, but I do agree he us giving you crumbs and you deserve better. You deserve more.



  54.  #54Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    I know I am disagreeing with others here but I don’t necessarily see it as crumbs. He is doing what he wants to do. I also do believe that men are loyal. On the weekend he is with his kids. Likely the mother of these kids are there. I can see him pulling back out of concern for being disrespectful to her. For me, the crux of the matter is that he is living in the same house with her. The relationship might be over but his concern about his image at work tells me that this man could likely be concerned about his image with his kids and the mother of these children.

    I felt really disappointed Elsie when you said you are okay with being his secret.

    I felt disappointed when you said “he fit” in your schedule. Reason being is what I heard was “this is a relationship of convenience”. It told me that he also has permission to conveniently fit you in his schedule when it is convenient for him. I wonder if it were not convenient for you, if he did not “fit” the schedule if you would be so in love with him?

    I truly don’t believe this man is doing anything wrong. I am questioning the foundation that this relationship is built on.



  55.  #55Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Yes…Elsie…J said nothing will change if the woman initiates the contact (which you did but I know it was work related and you needed to talk to him). His ego will be bruised if she DOESN’T initiate it and he’ll call her. And if nothing needs to change then it’s fine. Let it be. But in my opinion, not just the week you were gone but then add to that the weekend following, it’s not good enough for you. Here’s exactly what J said:

    Me: “If a woman goes away on a trip and her boyfriend/husband doesn’t call or send any text messages while she was gone, do you think he’s hoping she will initiate the next contact when she returns?”

    J: “No, he’s not hoping for it. He *knows* she will and he’s just taking as much alone time as he can before she does it.”

    (as in “get that alone time in quick because she’s bound to call and once that happens, alone time is over – in my view, this is NOT a good thing)

    Me: “And what happens if she doesn’t?”

    J: “His ego will be bruised. He’ll wonder if something is wrong and he’ll call her.”

    Me: “What happens if she DOES initiate the contact?”

    J: “He’ll think nothing of it and life will go on as usual. Nothing will change.”

    Me: “I don’t know if I like those words ‘nothing will change’”

    J: “Depends on whether or not anything needs to change.”

    Only YOU can decide if anything needs to change Elsie. This is J’s view on what a man thinks a woman is like when the man stops contacting her (she’ll eventually call him) and when that assumption doesn’t work out quite like he planned.

    J never said a man who doesn’t text or call his gf while she’s away for a week is “no biggie”. He said if she calls him first it’s “no biggie” and nothing will change. If nothing needs to change, then there’s nothing wrong with that. Personally, I want so much for you than long phone calls and the occasional intimate contact.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  56.  #56Turquoise on June 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I didn’t realize he still lived with his wife and kids. That does make a difference. Good points FW.



  57.  #57Indigo on June 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Elsie,

    For me, I feel like everyone here is telling you the same thing I was sort of trying to say on the previous thread, and the same conclusion I had to come to in myself:

    Independently of GS or any other man, what do you want for a relationship? Can you hold him to that standard and thereby quickly see if he cannot meet it? In which case, you know exactly what to do. Use the tools and take care of you. I get the feeling that you mould your standards to fit whatever GS is doing, to make it ok, even when it’s clearly not ok.

    I would love to see you let your own heart dictate the terms, fearlessly, and you living your life by them. I would love to see you, as well as me and every other siren on here, have your heart’s desire.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Not a wife, is what I understood.



  59.  #59Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Keep in mind that J probably doesn’t know much about men who don’t contact their gfs when those gfs are away for a week. We talk everyday no matter what…and we both do quite a bit of traveling. So he’s guessing on the responses but he never said anything about the fact that it was a whole week without contact. He certainly didn’t say it was “just alone time. no biggie” because I seriously doubt he sees it that way considering it would never cross his mind to do that to me.

    And if he did it, Elsie I can promise you, it wouldn’t be good enough for me and I would hope you would tell me that.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  60.  #60Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    agree completely with her comment. You have “hours upon hours to talk on the phone with him at his whim (as you said, you always let him initiate so that means all these hours of conversation are hours that you are sitting there available for him) but he has basically zero opportunity to make a point to see you. Yes, I’d be ending those phone conversations after less than 5 minutes. If he misses you, then he can come see you. After work. And in a place where he can be affectionate like a real boyfriend would be.”

    This, to me again, is all about Elsie. What she is doing with what she is learning and what she is willing to commit to. It does not mean that the man does not miss her. Nobody can speak to that but him. His actions might be saying he doesn’t but it could be related to where he places his loyalty, and also a concern about Elsie having more hope than what he can invest NOW. I believe he must be aware somehow of the comfort with being a secret and might very well be playing into that. Which might even be unconscious.

    I believe nothing will be learned by beating up on him or on Elsie. I believe Elsie just needs to raise her awareness.



  61.  #61Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    ” It does not mean that the man does not miss her. ” – I think it means he doesn’t even know if he misses her or not because he doesn’t have to find out. And it is with these sentences that I am trying to help her raise her awareness.

    From experience, I think when a man misses a woman he calls her just to hear her voice, makes a point to see her and if he can’t be there in person, will make time to talk to her on the internet or something. But…if he can call anytime or come over anytime and she’s got hours of time to do nothing except stop and chat, then he will never experience missing her and some of these other things will have much less pull on him to be near her.

    And I don’t consider anything I said as “beating up”. I still stand by my words that if this man fits her core list of necessary characteristics in a man, then he is her dream man and I still suggest not trying to get him to change.

    But for me personally, I would need so much more so I also desire for Elsie to have so much more.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  62.  #62Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I expected you to react that way about the “beating up” Mercedes. I did not mean you were. I see Elsie running away from the words directed at her so it might be feeling like a beating.

    “From experience, I think when a man misses a woman he calls her just to hear her voice”. I have seen otherwise. I have a particular man in my life whose pattern is isolation. He is a wounded bear. He will pull away for months even years on end with no reaching out. Yet when I do he tells me he misses me. Once he told me he spent the whole summer thinking about me. I had no reason to doubt him because I felt the sincerity. Also I know him. He shows this pattern in other areas of his life. He is the type who thinks of himself as a superhero who can do it all on his own. Talking to him I get the sense those are the same values he is instilling in his boys. It doesn’t mean that deep down he is not missing people. He is too wounded and afraid to get out of his comfort zone. The question is what a woman would do with a man like that.



  63.  #63Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    FW: ” He will pull away for months even years on end with no reaching out. Yet when I do he tells me he misses me.”

    I hope that this is what GS is like. Missing her but not reaching out would be better than not missing her at all (which is what it feels like to me).

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  64.  #64Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    “I see Elsie running away from the words directed at her so it might be feeling like a beating.”

    – Agreed…that’s why I didn’t want to say it when I discovered this morning that he had made no contact all weekend either. But then when I was asked for my opinion on Wildgeranium’s comment, I wanted so much to speak my mind. The only thing I could think to do was warn of the tough love about to come and hope for the best…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  65.  #65Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    I hear you Mercedes. My concern is that I got the impression that this relationship was built on convenience as a foundation. That is what really bothers me.



  66.  #66Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Elsie I posted a self soothing mantra earlier. I hope you make use of it. You are valuable. You are learning.



  67.  #67Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    All of life is partnering to bring to you your deepest desire



  68.  #68cocokisses on June 24, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Hiya Sirens…I haaven’t forgotten about you all….Miss you bunches and I hope all is well 🙂



  69.  #69cocokisses on June 24, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Hiya Sirens…I haaven’t forgotten about you all….Miss you bunches and I hope all is well 🙂



  70.  #70Mercedes on June 24, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    FW: I get the impression it was built on a mutual support between two people who were going through a similar crisis at the same time (she a divorce and he leaving the mother of his children).

    Now that the crisis has become more the ‘norm’ (for lack of a better word), everything is shifting and one partner (GS) no longer needs all the loving attention and no longer feels such a deep need to give it either. The other partner (Elsie) still does and always will.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  71.  #71Femininewoman on June 24, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Hope all is well with you too coco



  72.  #72Dominique on June 24, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Elsie – Please take a moment and read 32.

    xxoo



  73.  #73MovingMagic on June 24, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Attentive Cd has slipped a few times and referred to me as his girlfriend. I really like him. He’s kind, giving, affectionate, spiritual, fit…and so much more. 🙂 As much as I like him I’m continuing to stay open to cd’ing. Even if I don’t actually date others it reminds me that I have options. I’m not committing until I get the relationship I want…plus he hasn’t asked me. 😉



  74.  #74Erika on June 24, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    I want to remember this more about not getting sucked into arguments and drama.



  75.  #75Xti on June 24, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Isn’t it funny how fast your view flips when the rug gets pulled out from under you?

    It was just a few days ago that I posted about boundaries, feeling so healthy and confident at the time. Not knowing what was coming in just a couple hours later.

    And now I’m hurting. Still. Even after days of crying, grieving, suffering, repairing, restoring. It’s so hard.

    IT IS SO HARD.

    I am suddenly so stuck. And it came so quickly by surprise. I wish I had that me back. That one… the girl from last week. She had it together.

    I am doing what I’m supposed to. Like that saying goes: I was walking down the street and I fell in a hole. Again. I thought I was safe this time. I’ve fallen in the hole many times, and I’ve gotten good at avoiding it…heck I really did change streets so I would never fall in the hole again.

    I learned how to keep from falling into the hole, but I never expected a friend would push me.

    But I see exactly where I am now, and I know that I have to get myself back out again. I have the tools. They work. I use them and feel myself gaining traction and beginning the climb back up.

    But she lives across the street!! I cannot walk through my house without seeing her house. Her car. And every time I get myself to a good place, I am suddenly reminded of the betrayal. Her lying about me and then lying to me. And then I’m slipping back into the hole again.



  76.  #76Wildgeranium on June 24, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Detachment~

    Detachment doesn’t come naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment.

    “The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband. He had been drinking for seven years -since I had married him. For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him stop drinking.

    “I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.

    “One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn’t drinking.

    “I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.

    “I’ve had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I’ve had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It’s never failed. Detachment works.”

    Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we’re ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.

    Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.

    This was todays affirmation from the book “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie



  77.  #77Xti on June 24, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    I hate feeling like this.

    She had everything. A husband who adored her, by her own account, and by all outward appearances.

    I have so little. I gave up so much to come here. To follow a thread of hope and build on a friendship with a man I loved, and who loved me for 20+ years. And we struggled at first.
    It was an imaginary relationship, and I had to realize that and I let him go. But he came back in friendship, and we made a start in that direction, just as friends.

    And I made a new BFF and we helped each other by talking about our problems. And I started to heal and to feel strong. And I started to CD again. And I was good, and feeling like my life was good.

    Then my neighbor decided she wanted what I had. But more than that, she wanted my place. So she cultivated a closeness with my new BFF, who innocently believed — like I did — that her questions were just curiosity. We 3 hung out every day, and then they started spending time alone.

    And my friend told my neighbor my stories — about my man. Everything I had said in confidence. But she didn’t just tell her what was said. She didn’t convey the context of my feelings and how much I loved him. She told my stories with her own disapproval. She hated the way he treated me and she thought she was gaining an ally in my neighbor, someone to help me move on.

    There are no accidents. And this is a very small town. My neighbor cheated on her husband with the man. I found out.

    Do I care that they are together? Not so much. So what is killing me?

    The fact that HE texted me a horrible message saying she TOLD him all these awful things I supposedly said about him, and our friendship was over. That he threatened me with making sure I’d lose my kids by going to my ex and offering to be a star witness (lying) so that I wouldn’t tell the neighbor’s husband.

    This is such a mess. And I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t move for 6 months. I hate being lied about. I hate being lied to. Most of all, I hate being betrayed. Especially by a woman I trusted.



  78.  #78Xti on June 24, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    our kids are gone – the neighbor’s and mine. They get back the same day in Aug.

    My kids love her. Her kids love me.

    What a mess.

    Her husband was home all weekend. He usually uses my lawn mower to cut her grass (3 acres) and then mine (10 acres). And I was counting on my man friend for help he had offered with my place to burn leaves, etc. Now I have to start over and I’m just empty.

    I hate that just a week before they hooked up, he was standing in my front yard, telling me that he really thought he needed to be a better friend to me and he was going to be stepping up.

    Two weeks before that, we were planning to buy a boat together.

    All gone.

    Not because they hooked up. But all the deception around it.

    I know this is for my good. I know this is working for my good. I know this is God releasing me from old stuff that doesn’t work.

    And I know that I have to let go and forgive. Eventually. But right now? It’s still hurting so bad.

    This is not the ending I wanted.



  79.  #79Erika on June 24, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    I’m feeling super excited. I just bought Rori’s entire collection 🙂

    This feels good for lots of reasons. It feels good to keep my commitment to supporting other healers and coaches. It feels good to express my faith in abundance by making this investment. And I feel excited to listen to Rori’s programs as “meditations” – stuff I tap along to while I am doing other things … just like I do with my own tapping videos 🙂

    This is part of my new phase of focusing on myself and not on men at all, which is already feeling wonderful.



  80.  #80Liquid Light on June 24, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    @xti

    I am so sorry to hear this. I had a somewhat similar situation happen to me, that is i was betrayed by my neighbor who also lives across the street, and it was because of a man as well. I erased her from my life because I realized that she was NOT my friend. That’s what I chose to do and it helped me to move on. I don’t want to waste my time on people who are proving that they are not a friend to me. Period. Others may feel differently but that’s how I’ve chosen to deal with it. The good news is that I hardly ever see her, and it doesn’t really bother me anymore. But at first, it felt awful. Time WILL help! Hang in there. I am so sorry you are going through this. Big Hug!

    ((((((xti))))))



  81.  #81Millie on June 24, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Wow! What an interesting thread today!
    Specifically all the different responses to Elsie. I didn’t realize the guy lives with another woman and his children. I missed that. Part of me feels like walking away from a guy when I become emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed as I hear Elsie you are feeling. I want my relationship to feel fun and easy and the “work” working towards something. It may not be the best thing to do, but sometimes I feel just walking away is easier than trying to figure it all out, throw my hands up in the air you know….Not that I’m advising that-just saying how this all makes me feel.

    On the other hand, reading some of the posts today I believe so much more in NOT initiating. I feel like if I were to contact musician it would be a recipe for disaster in so many ways. Ways that I can now see and feel because my impulse adrenalin isn’t covering them up anymore.



  82.  #82Millie on June 24, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Wow! What an interesting thread today!
    Specifically all the different responses to Elsie. I didn’t realize the guy lives with another woman and his children. I missed that. Part of me feels like walking away from a guy when I become emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed as I hear Elsie you are feeling. I want my relationship to feel fun and easy and the “work” working towards something. It may not be the best thing to do, but sometimes I feel just walking away is easier than trying to figure it all out, throw my hands up in the air you know….Not that I’m advising that-just saying how this all makes me feel.

    On the other hand, reading some of the posts today I believe so much more in NOT initiating. I feel like if I were to contact musician it would be a recipe for disaster in so many ways. Ways that I can now see and feel because my impulse adrenalin isn’t covering them up anymore.



  83.  #83Xti on June 24, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    now I’m questioning what I’m even doing here.

    Not that I can go anywhere. It took the effort of moving a mountain just to get here. For what?

    No, I know that answer. To get strong. To see what’s real and what isn’t. This is all necessary. I’ve been carrying that torch way down deep for all this time. All that stuff that happened so long ago–I never dealt with it. Now I am. I have.

    What does it mean for a man to come find you after 20 years and tell you he’s always loved you? For me, it meant fulfillment of an unconscious desire to finally be chosen. But when I got here, he didn’t choose me. And I made so many excuses as to why that was. But God is so good.

    He put the woman across the street from me who that man would choose–at all cost… cost to her, to him, to me, even to my children.

    And God is so smart!!

    He put her directly in my line of vision. I cannot ignore or escape this. I cannot do what I’ve always done: RUN!

    There is nothing for me to do now except sit here and feel. And process. And heal.

    And when I’ve done THAT work, I have a hunch God will let me go. Or maybe keep me but move her out of my path.

    Ok that feels pretty good to imagine. Me, totally healed up from this old flame burning a hole in my heart, and a bit wiser in my relationships–not quite so trusting– and ready for a great man to show up.

    And she just drifts away. Nothing for me to do, just stay on my horse.

    I’m trying so hard to stay on, but it’s really hard when you can’t stop crying. I keep forgetting that the crying is actually releasing the stuff keeping me stuck. So I guess it’s good too.



  84.  #84Erika on June 24, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    I’m not going to comment directly on the situation being discussed because I want to stay out of the advice-giving business. I want to share something though that may resonate …

    I learned something really amazing from this recent experience with this guy who creeped me out … I realized that it doesn’t matter if the guy is chasing me, or I am chasing him … it feels equally BAD.

    On the one side, it was hard to walk away because I wanted resolution. On the other side, it was hard to walk away because I felt “guilty” like it was going to “hurt” him and I “should” at least try to be his friend. Both feel awful.

    Now I walked away from both, and I realized that walking away from both is doing the same thing in both situations … and it’s making it feel sooooo much easier. Not sure if I’m explaining this well …



  85.  #85Erika on June 24, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    Neither one was giving me what I needed, and I used to feel so different if I were the one being “rejected.” But it’s not different. It’s the same.



  86.  #86Xti on June 24, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    @Liquid Light

    Thanks so much. That hug made me bawl even harder, but it’s good. There’s a lot of stuff down there and crying seems to help it move up and out faster.

    I’m really glad you took the time to comment. It helps to know someone else has been in this horrible space and come out the other side. 🙂



  87.  #87Vi on June 24, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Happened to be in the same room with people picking on each other.. and left the space.. feeling shame and embarrassment and a little shaky with fear too for doing so… and tense in shoulders and thighs… and – peaceful !!! – i.e. in touch with my rock… 🙂

    I love my embarrassment and fear and shame…. I love my peaceful feeling ( the sign I am in tune with my boundaries) !! my Soup feels so yum… YAY ME!!



  88.  #88k2012 on June 24, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Wow, I have just finished reading almost all of your comments. “If I were dating this man and he showed no effort during his free time away from work, that would be a red flag.” I don’t remember who said this, but I guess you mean no effort to contact u in his free time away from work. I agree. Analyzing the situation with Elsie and putting myself in her shoes, I would say yes, this is a true statement. I think I wrote in the last thread that I didn’t realize that the gentleman lives with the mother of his children. Ouch! From reading about Elsie’s situation, seems like he is not involved with her, just living there. I think you said Elsie about some custody battle. I think the fact that he is sharing house space with his childrens’ mother makes a big diffrence in this situation. I note you said Elsie that you enjoy being his secret. His childrens’ mom doesn’t know about you? If he is not involved with his childrens mother, she should know about you. You shouldn’t be a secret. Are you really satisfied with that Elsie? He sounds emotionally unavailable to me. From all my reading on all the coaches I subscribe to, it sounds this way to me. As I said in the previous blog, both are u in transition,him living with his childrens’ mother and u going through a divorce. It must be awkward for you knowing that he is living with his kids mom. Maybe this is the route of the problem. He doesn’t seem ready for a commitment. Putting myself in your position, I couldn’t handle a man who, (although the relationship is supposed to finish) is still sharing living space with his kids mom. Nope. He sounds like he is afraid of commitment and the comment that Mercedes made I believe about him giving you crumbs, I agree with it. Elsie, I made this statement a while back. But you are too available to him. And what is not helping as someone else said, is that u work together. He seems unable to commit now, like he is not ready and just trying to sort out things with his kids.



  89.  #89k2012 on June 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Elsie, But at the end of the day, only YOU can decide if you will remain in this situation and hope that things will change or move on or whatever u want to do. I don’t remember if u said this Elsie, but how long are u both involved? Maybe you are insecure because you are not comfortable with the fact that he is still living with his kids mom. Today its the first I am learning this.



  90.  #90Vi on June 24, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    MH went to find me and ask if anything happened and I said It felt a little too unbearable to watch close people picking on each other.. He chuckled and asked if I want anything.. Hehe



  91.  #91Erika on June 24, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Wow, Rori, this is so wonderful seeing you do the tools on video … I’m listening with my mom, and it feels so powerful. Feeling so glad I invested in the complete collection 🙂



  92.  #92Zia on June 24, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    Erika – they’re awesome aren’t they 🙂 I have the whole collection too and powered through all of them!



  93.  #93Erika on June 24, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Rori, I was watching Chapter 11 Money and I was riveted. This is in love scripts. I always have this issue with men because my finances are rock solid … and Chapter 11 money stopped in the middle and then disappeared!! LOL – I feel so confused



  94.  #94Erika on June 24, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    YES Zia, but I need the Money Chapter to come back lol 😉 I feel absolutely bereft that Money disappeared …



  95.  #95Indigo on June 24, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    ((((((Xti)))))

    What a difficult, painful experience for you to go through.

    If I can give you one thing that truly helped me – ALLOW your sadness and your grief, in the moment. Really allow it, in all its terrible-seeming glory. Twice I’ve done that in the past 2 months or so.

    But it passed so much quicker when you don’t hinder it or try to hold it back or control it.

    I would suggest finding a quiet, private place, because in my case some funny noises came out because the tears were coming from such a deep place, but I really do believe those feelings want to come up and restore flow.



  96.  #96Indigo on June 24, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    Feeling good today. How much can change in 24 hours. I feel… softer?… more open?

    What a sweet gift, and I’ll take it, thank you.

    Chatted briefly to D last night. He really wants to work on things, but he said that he thinks I needed things from him that he was not prepared to give and it inadvertently made me domineering. He felt backed into a corner. I’m trying not to think too hard on this one, just feel through it a bit on my trip over the next 2 weeks. Yet I’m truly at a loss. Even if I don’t end up with D this is something I want to know and work on/soften in myself. Do any of you have any thoughts on this?



  97.  #97Emerson on June 25, 2013 at 12:03 am

    One of my guys from magical dates last weekend has poofed. But it’s ok.
    I have a date with a new guy on Friday. I am getting some attention on this dating site. I feel glad that I didn’t delete my profile.
    My other magical date guy bought me a gift. A nice one. After meeting only twice. Sweet!! I like him. He’s affectionate and fun, and unconventional for me. I feel turned on with him and feel excited to see him again this week!
    He usually tesxts me every day but not today. It’s ok I’m fine really just at peace. I feel confident in the process and that things will fall in place…



  98.  #98Indigo on June 25, 2013 at 1:54 am

    Comforting words from Rori’s newsletter yesterday:

    “The Outcome Isn’t Under Your Control

    I can promise you that what you choose, and how things unfold in the short term, are not important – what will work for you with a man in the LONG TERM is the VIBE you create around yourself when you listen to yourself and speak the truth.”

    I’m thinking of this for Elsie, and of course myself.



  99.  #99Heart on June 25, 2013 at 4:27 am

    #40 – Flower – I understand your frustration…sometimes an outright rejection is better than a roundabout one. But, is it really? I’ve witnessed in real life and on the blog that it doesn’t matter what a guy says sometimes, if you’re not ready to let go you’ll just disregard it anyway.
    If it was me, I would take his actions as a sign of dsinterest. He doesn’t need to call me and say: I don’t want to see you…because the fact that he isn’t calling me or asking me out are big indicators that he’s not interested.

    Maybe he’ll eventually come around or maybe not. I would encourage you to stop contacting him for ANY reason whatsoever and focus on yourself. Keep liking him if you want…There is Absolutely nothing wrong with liking a guy. Don’t beat yourself up. Just keep moving…



  100.  #100Heart on June 25, 2013 at 4:38 am

    Indigo – Well what do you think is the best thing to do?
    I can’t help but believe -from being on this blog and from real life…That waiting on a man to make up his mind is the orst thing you can do.
    I would encourage you to Be Unpredictable…tell him he’s right and ask for a month longer. Mess his mind up. Stop taling to him entirely. Asking to not contact you for two monthd…Tell him you met someone and you’re going to test out dating…Call R and start dating him again.

    If D loves you…you need to give him space to find that love within himself…Right now he isn’t acting like someone in loveve…and it’s hard to realize how much you love someone when you have power over the person.



  101.  #101Heart on June 25, 2013 at 4:47 am

    Indigo – feel free to ignore me that was devilish-Heart talking..(((hugs))) I hope it all works out…at least he’s opening up.



  102.  #102Heart on June 25, 2013 at 4:51 am

    lov– feel free to ignore me that was de viーlish-Heart talking…I hope it all works out (((Hugs))) …at least he’s opening up to ou..

    I went into moderation for writinf d e vi lish heh



  103.  #103Heart on June 25, 2013 at 4:52 am

    102@ Indigo



  104.  #104BeLoved on June 25, 2013 at 5:31 am

    This morning I dreamed I was being chased – I only remember a snippet, though, and that was arriving in a building where suddenly, a host of movie and cartoon horror characters came out in “droves”.
    I felt startled and started to wake up when I realized,
    they had come out of hiding to HELP me,
    at which point I felt so relieved and grateful 🙂



  105.  #105Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Flower a lot of guys when you tell them something they don’t really want to hear or that does not make sense to them they ask why.

    Imagine a guy standing in front of you saying “I don’t feel attracted to you anymore”. Can you imagine how that would feel or how stumped he would be if you turn around and ask him why?



  106.  #106April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 5:54 am

    FW,
    If he was standing in front of you, why would you turn around? Lol!



  107.  #107Zia on June 25, 2013 at 5:55 am

    I know it’s a rule both here and from Alison Armstrong not to beat ourselves up… but geeze, reading the Queens Code really opened my eyes up. I so wish I’d felt the need for this journey before I’d met my ex. I would have appreciated him and let him lead so much more. As it was I knew something had to change and I ended up in this insecure limbo. Still, I guess the positive thing is that it sets the tone for the next relationship. I had to send him a message though to tell him how much I did appreciate him and his efforts when we were together. Hopefully I can find a way to let him go…



  108.  #108Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 6:00 am

    April Rose it does not feel good to be public laughed at and mocked. Maybe I don’t use the Queen’s english but I hope Flower understood the essence of the question.



  109.  #109Heart on June 25, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Zia – oooh I want to buy the Queen’s code…maybe…is it full of tools & new stuff…or does it say what Rori says in a different way?



  110.  #110Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Hi Zia. For letting go sometimes I visualize releasing ballons from my hand and letting them fly high. At other times I just open my hands to symbolically let go when someone crosses my mind.



  111.  #111Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Heart – there is a free sample chapter on line if you research it. Even that free sample I found tear jerking.



  112.  #112Heart on June 25, 2013 at 6:07 am

    FW – ok, I’m going to find it.



  113.  #113April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:08 am

    FW,
    I feel all weird and shakey at your response.
    My intention was to connect with you in a light-hearted way, and inject a little humour into the blog. You know me a little by now, don’tcha?
    I feel sad your first response is to think I’m mocking you.

    Sigh.

    So much can be missed and misunderstood in the written word. Makes me feel like holding back from posting.



  114.  #114April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:11 am

    I’m holding back from posting.

    This is me not posting any more.



  115.  #115April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Nope, no more postings.



  116.  #116April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:12 am

    I’m going quiet.

    You won’t catch me writing anything on here



  117.  #117April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Boo!

    Wake up girls.

    Lets go for a swim and drink cocktails together, and get happpyyyy 🙂



  118.  #118Indigo on June 25, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Heart 🙂

    Thanks for your suggestions.

    Fact is, he has a lot less power over me these days. I am leaving on a plane to go on a much-dreamed-about overseas trip for two weeks, and I can full envision myself not thinking about him at all.

    He and I will talk when we get back. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope, I do. Yet I know what I want and I’m prepared to walk away at this stage if I don’t get it. He was just last night saying that he loved me but I never used to believe that he did. We will see if he can put his “money where his mouth is”, so to speak.

    Anyway, thank you Heart. I am off soon and won’t be able to be on the blog for about 2 weeks. All you sirens take care! x



  119.  #119April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:16 am

    I feel BORED!



  120.  #120April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Ooops, I forgot. I’m not meant to be posting.



  121.  #121April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Have a great trip Indigo.

    I love what you wrote in 57

    It’s made me think about my standards. I feel restless, because you have helped me question if I am settling for less than my heart’s desire.



  122.  #122April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:21 am

    “Independently of any man, what do you want for a relationship? Can you hold him to that standard and thereby quickly see if he cannot meet it? In which case, you know exactly what to do. Use the tools and take care of you.”

    Nice.



  123.  #123April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Oh shit, I’m not meant to be posting



  124.  #124Zia on June 25, 2013 at 6:24 am

    FW – thank you
    Heart – most of what Rori’s says but in a different way, still found it very helpful for a deeper understanding of Rori’s stuff 🙂



  125.  #125Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Indigo I hope you enjoy yourself and can take your mind off him so you can really have fun and shift your vibe.



  126.  #126sophie on June 25, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Hope you have a lovely trip Indigo 🙂 exciting! Wish I was going on a trip…soon but not quite yet…



  127.  #127Heart on June 25, 2013 at 6:54 am

    #124 Zia – ok will explore it. Is the advice helpful…are the tools? Understanding without practice doesn’t really help me change or shift.

    Indigo – Have lots of fun. I didnt mean to paint you as some desparate housewife waiting on your front porch for D….if it came across that way…
    I’m sorry. ANYWAY we’ll miss u! Enjoy it.

    April Rose – I am Disgusted by your behavior. So Disgusted…I’m not posting either….!



  128.  #128Heart on June 25, 2013 at 6:55 am

    How do you sleep at night, April Rose?



  129.  #129Heart on June 25, 2013 at 6:57 am

    This is my final post…
    I cannot be on here with April Rose…

    I will not cast out a siren…
    so…
    I will sacrifice myself…



  130.  #130Heart on June 25, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Don’t beg me to stay….
    no no no….
    stop grabbing at my ankles…

    I’m on my horse…

    like
    riding away




  131.  #131Heart on June 25, 2013 at 7:01 am




    still riding away…
    from April.E.V.I.L.Rose

    (ok I’m stopping this now…hehe)



  132.  #132Millie on June 25, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Heart 99-

    “If it was me, I would take his actions as a sign of dsinterest. He doesn’t need to call me and say: I don’t want to see you…because the fact that he isn’t calling me or asking me out are big indicators that he’s not interested.” –sigh………..sad but true. I’m having a hard time accepting this one too…..It’s hard to believe a man wouldn’t be interested in us!

    “Maybe he’ll eventually come around or maybe not. I would encourage you to stop contacting him for ANY reason whatsoever and focus on yourself. Keep liking him if you want…There is Absolutely nothing wrong with liking a guy. Don’t beat yourself up. Just keep moving…”—I love this Heart! It’s ok to keep liking him, just don’t have any expectations, he may surprise you or not! Good way to look at it!
    Sigh……



  133.  #133Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:40 am

    yesterday i cured the bladder infection i was starting using EFT!

    thank you Daria!

    i’m having effect on physical symptoms now as well!

    I used crossed ankles tongue over tip of teeth posture and i used the Choices method



  134.  #134Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

    before, I was not getting effects on physical issues, because i had a fear of it succeeding and what that would mean and that it would change my worldview ‘too’ much and i would feel scared and aloft with nothing to support me

    yay i healed it!



  135.  #135Emerson on June 25, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Today I am a little stressed with work, but I’m breathing deeply and not pining over anyone …. That feels good. I feel so lucky and free… I feel good that I’ve been attracting all different kinds of men, generous men!
    One of my dates from the dating site I will call brainyCD… He is so into me it turns me on! He’s very affectionate and uninhibited when it comes to kissing me etc., the attention feels so good.
    I know there’s no guarantees and he could poof but that’s ok too. I am realizing things about myself and learning from it so its ok. I learned that when I go for long periods without physical touch, especially from a man, I feel unloved! Which I know is not true, but interesting to realize.

    ExoticCD is boring and sorry to say but he is lazy! He keeps in touch (not sure why) but does not ask me out. I’m like …yawn!!!



  136.  #136Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:45 am

    lol Erika @bereft



  137.  #137Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:45 am

    lol Heart!



  138.  #138Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:51 am

    I choose to see the perspective that men feel more like men around me.

    I choose to see that they make more and more money around me.

    I choose to see that their dreams start coming true more and more around my influence.



  139.  #139April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Heart,

    Thank you for the belly laugh! I feel happier now.

    I need a playmate.



  140.  #140Daria on June 25, 2013 at 7:58 am

    cuz im fearing that men can’t do enough to take care of me and wont boost their productivity just by my influence (presence)

    and also that they might feel resentful and like they’re not reaching their dreams around me and like i dont care about their dreams

    so im choosing those perspectives instead



  141.  #141April Rose on June 25, 2013 at 8:06 am

    I’m reading Fifty Shades of Grey again to get some thrills.



  142.  #142prplpsn28 on June 25, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Feeling anxious, sad, hurt, disrespected. I really don’t know what to do at this point. H is still in Florida. I have no idea when he will be back. He didn’t answer me when I asked. He texted me last night and the only thing he had to say to me was “looks like it’s raining up there”. Really?! That’s all you have to talk about? I have been having some health issues that he is well aware of. It’s been difficult and scary for me and he knows this. Not once has he asked me how I’m doing or how I’m feeling. FW – I don’t know. Sometimes I do feel like I’m done. I don’t want to be. I love H. But our relationship is going on 2 yrs now and sometimes I feel like a FWB. Not a place I want to be. He knows this. We’ve had discussions about it and he swears he doesn’t think of me that way at all and that it’s much more. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just having a difficult time working on myself and my insecurities. Any thoughts from anyone?



  143.  #143Dominique on June 25, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Purple – My first thought is that actions speak louder than words.

    http://sexandheart.com/words-vs-actions

    All you can do is continue to work on you, and your answers as to what to do will come, and you feel very sure about your choices around him.

    xxoo



  144.  #144Erika on June 25, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Hooray Daria for healing physical symptoms!

    So I went to Pilates these morning, part of focusing on me, before my client sessions today. In my healing work, we use the body as a metaphor. Pilates is all about strengthening and quieting the “core” of our body. I honestly feel stronger in my emotional center since I started doing it, and I think Pilates helps. It also helps give very beautiful feminine muscle tone. If any ladies here are looking for another “physical” way to work with the tools, feel more grounded and centered, lighter and more feminine in your body … I highly recommend Pilates.



  145.  #145MovingMagic on June 25, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Hmmm…no contact=disinterest? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on the person. In leaning back/getting busy living/loving my life I’ve been better able to observe the way people communicate with me. I’ve had some men who want to touch base everyday, others less frequently. Some who contact for specific purposes, & then some who contact but don’t initiate getting together. If a guy stops contacting all together I let it go. I don’t assume a few days means disinterest anymore though. 🙂 If I want to hear from one of them, I don’t fight the urge to do so. I’m feeling pretty rock star in my life though. On my needy feeling days I choose to initiate contact with only myself. 😉



  146.  #146MovingMagic on June 25, 2013 at 10:45 am

    I’ve started learning break dancing & I love it!! I love that I’m a 30+ year old woman doing these fun things for myself.I love that my body is strong & agile enough to do it. 🙂



  147.  #147Dominique on June 25, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Very nice Moving Magic. 🙂

    xxoo



  148.  #148Veronica on June 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Mm I have this down feeling accompanying me. It’s a heavy dull pain in the left side of my chest. Hand on that and breathing. There’s also a kind of echo-pain in my mouth and throat, lining it and swallowing feels a little too deliberate. Hands on throat and breathing. Now the pain slips down my throat and into my stomach. I don’t feel it in there. The down feeling is a sadness. I feel sad that I’m focused on what’s lost. I have to remind myself that I made the best choice. I am here, here is what matters and here is where the beauty is. And there’s a clenching in the back of my throat – release. I’m feeling anxious about sharing this. I love my anxiety. It’s my anxiety and it’s got a bit of vulnerability mixed in with it. Now my front teeth are tightening – let go of this bit too. I’m really nervous with all this speaking. I smile at myself and my mouth calms down, but it’s still there ready in my jaw to tighten again. I love this all – and there’s the softness in my mouth for a while. My two fists I rest my head on, they’re like guards at my mouth – I need a hug, I need comfort. Even reading this my jaw clenches a bit at times. What is this? I’m smiling. I feel surprised at all this noticing. I feel doubtful – what if all this isn’t real, it’s just me hoping to follow all I’ve read here so that something can work out. I feel sympathy for myself. It can only be me. The pain is in my head now, like my skull is hard and my soft insides are paining. Head in hands, breathing – it’s touch I want isn’t it?



  149.  #149Liquid Light on June 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

    April Rose/Heart LOL! 😀



  150.  #150Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 11:22 am

    RE 145 MovingMagic mmmm yummmm 🙂



  151.  #151Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    To stop the destructive patterns caused by “talking
    on eggshells” here are a couple of suggestions well
    worth trying instead of what you normally do…

    1. Remind yourself to pause.

    Pausing is not the same as remaining silent in order
    to avoid a fight. Pause when you notice stress,
    tension or even fear about what you want to say
    but don’t feel safe or okay actually speaking out
    loud.

    During that pause get curious.

    What are you specifically thinking as you are holding back and biting your tongue?

    What thoughts run through your mind when you even consider telling your partner what you really want or how you truly feel?

    2. Question your thoughts.

    During that powerful pause, question your thoughts.

    Focus in on one stressful thought at a time and ask yourself, “Can I know that’s what will happen if I say ______?” or “Is it really true that my partner will _____ if I speak my truth?”

    When you question what you are thinking, it not only interrupts your anxious energy, it also gives you some space to calm down, get clear and make a conscious decision about what’s appropriate and best in this particular situation.

    If you’ve ever found that you hold back, don’t say what’s true or important for you, or you won’t share
    your wants, needs or desires with your partner or
    loved ones then we highly suggest you download a copy of our “Stop Talking On Eggshells” program here…

    http://www.StopTalkingOnEggshells.com

    You deserve to be heard and you deserve to feel
    important and loved.

    You can’t have the love that you want if you’re
    talking on eggshells out of fear of what your partner will say, what they’ll think or how they’ll react if you speak your truth.

    Much Love To You

    Susie and Otto Collins



  152.  #152Turquoise on June 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    C is home for a month… we start major yard work and renovations tomorrow. I’m very aware that this could be a stressful time and am trying to remember all I’ve learned so that I don’t automatically go back into our old habits of screaming at each other when something stressful comes up. Treat him like my best friend, remember he means well, he’s doing all of this for us. Don’t raise my voice and get defensive, use feeling messages.

    Ack….. feeling a little nervous. We haven’t spent this kind of time together in a very long time. He won’t always be at the house, but a lot…

    We also have vacation in 2 weeks and I want it to be wonderful, not us just being civil to get through it.
    I want to create happy memories with our girls. They don’t get much time with both of us.



  153.  #153Millie on June 25, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @Veronica 148

    That was so poetic. I’d love to give you a hug..



  154.  #154Millie on June 25, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    My lunch breaks are now blog breaks. 🙂
    I know I’m overthinking this–because of the fact that I’m even bringing it up on here– but I want to practice feeling my truth and being honest with myself as well as other things. Let me know what you ladies think/feel/hear:

    There is a place near my house that has dancing and live music every weekend and I really like it and have been several times. The first time Musician (aka this very older man with no relationship potential with whom I have a Lust crush on) and I met and spoke, it was there. A band he is in was performing that night. This weekend the band he is in is performing again and I feel desire to go.

    I’m questioning my reasons for going and I want to be completely honest and not “justify” or “qualify” anything.Here are my truths:
    I love live music, I love hearing this band, I love to dance, I want to go!
    Yes, the prospect of seeing him there again excites me.
    Yes, the unknown of what he will do or say, if anything at all is exciting.
    Yes, part of the reason I want to go is because he will be there, but it is not ALL of the reason.
    Yes, I have fantasies about sleeping with him.
    I feel tentative that my going to the event will be perceived as chasing, even though I frequently go to the venue and he knows this, as well as it is in my neighborhood.
    I don’t want my choices to be based on what he will think.
    I don’t want his presence to be part of the decision of whether I go or not, but I feel like it is.
    If he wasn’t going to be there-I’d still want to go, but I would’t feel as excited or as motivated to go.
    I don’t want to be perceived as chasing, but I want to be able to go to the music and dance events that I want to go to and that includes ones where he is performing.
    I don’t want avoid places I know he will be at because of the fact he isn’t pursuing me.
    I feel a little anxiety over this…but at the same time I know that if I go- regardless of him, I will have a great time dancing with every other guy there. I always do.
    Thoughts? feelings?



  155.  #155Dominique on June 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Millie – Doesn’t matter at all what others may or may not think, and you can’t control this anyway. If you want to go for whatever reasons, then go.

    xxoo



  156.  #156Mercedes on June 25, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Millie: In my opinion, if this is completely true then he won’t think twice about you being there. It will mostly be YOU thinking about why you are there and that in itself could change your vibe:

    “I frequently go to the venue and he knows this”

    Focus on this though and your vibe will be outstanding:

    “I love live music, I love hearing this band, I love to dance, I want to go!
    Yes, the prospect of seeing him there again excites me.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  157.  #157crystal on June 25, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    I have been with my kids father for 8 yrs. now and he just recently broke up with me because he’s started talking to another girl. He said he didn’t feel the same about me anymore but I am still very much in love with him, How can I win him back I am so heartbroken right now. I have been depressed and crying and begging him to get back with me. He told me if things don’t work out with this girl that he would get back with me. What advice could you give me on this?



  158.  #158smile on June 25, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Tonight I feel a little longing for a family. I thought I’d come on here to just try move past this as it keeps coming up for me recently, wanting a baby.
    Its not the right time or place just yet, is not something I can bring up. Amb and I are going great, he makes me smile everyday and its sooooo ace!!!
    Maybe because I’m nearing 30 and seeing my friends and family settle down. Just going to sit with my longing and reassure myself my time will come.



  159.  #159Mercedes on June 25, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Hi Smile. It’s quiet here today. I’ll be on your side with this one. Your time will come. It is my belief.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  160.  #160smile on June 25, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Aw thanks Mercedes, I’ve missed the blog 🙂
    I will believe it too, for now though, I am enough.
    night night x



  161.  #161Mercedes on June 25, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Yes…you are! Goodnight Smile…sleep well…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  162.  #162Zia on June 25, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    Heart – there are homework tasks in the book that I find really helpful, more so than actual tools. It is only about $15 to buy and I think well worth the investment 🙂



  163.  #163Zia on June 25, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    smile – big love, i felt the same way approaching 30…. you have lots of time 🙂



  164.  #164Femininewoman on June 25, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Zia I got the book from the library. Reason being I tend to read books once and hen they become clutter in the house



  165.  #165Zia on June 25, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    FW: i didn’t realise it was a paper copy too! hope you enjoy it, that’s a great idea. i quite like having books in my house even though yes they do cause clutter. need to get some bookshelves 😛



  166.  #166Zia on June 25, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    Today I am starting to see what it means when Rori said that by being open and vulnerable, soft on the outside and strong on the inside, we are more protected. I understood it in theory… but the past few days I have started feeling almost hyper sensitive. In that, I feel more when I see or hear people arguing and I have to walk away. Or if I engage in the sort of heated, angry debates I used to enjoy… I feel super tired and out of sorts and balance after. And I would prefer to converse peacefully or walk away. I get it. It feels bad, I don’t want to feel bad, so I can remove myself from the situation and engage in things that feel good…. How interesting!



  167.  #167Erika on June 25, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Zia,

    I like that – it is tiring, it does feel bad, huh?

    Yesterday there were a couple situations with women who communicate the way Rori says not to communicate, and wow did I just want to get away from them.

    In one situation, the woman asked me an “innocent” question that was clearly asked out of anger about my business success relative to hers. And it felt awful, like she wanted to make everything I’ve worked so hard for either her accomplishment or “I must have had a coach.”

    I see how if I communicate like that, it would really push people away. It’s like hiding knives underneath a veil of fake “niceness.” I called it out with this woman, and I did use feeling messages like “feels irritating” and “I feel annoyed.” Yet I’m not sure how to bring more authenticity into the conversation so that she will stop pretending to herself that it’s an “innocent” question. I don’t want to continue the relationship with her unless she’s going to get in touch with her feelings and be authentic and stop communicating like this because it feels awful.

    And I also feel annoyed even making that much investment in the situation, honestly. I feel that way in a lot of situations, and I’m kind of sitting with that. Why do I feel resentment that it’s on ME to change the communication dynamic? Partly because with her for example, I don’t want to give the coaching for free. I would like to receive financial support for what I am contributing.

    Anyway, yea, the “old” communication styles do feel awful.



  168.  #168Zia on June 25, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    I guess you can use the tools that say “this feels bad and I don’t want to continue the conversation” or a varied form of that 🙂

    You’ll find the right sorts of people!



  169.  #169Zara on June 25, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    LittleStar

    ***I replied I feel sad that you couldn’t tell me by phone and I will miss you…***
    This feels soft and sweet. No wonder he feels attracted.

    ***He replied “you sure know how to make a guy feel guilty and horny at the same time , I couldn’t call you cos I wouldn’t have been able to not see you if I did”***

    This is beautiful
    You are a magnet to which he can’t resist. The mere sound of your voice puts a spell on him. He likes you and desires you. He dated you hoping for a relationship to develop but, on the way, he found out you two don’t want the same things. He sounds an honest man who values his and your time, his and your feelings. He could have been selfish and string you along by visiting your home a mere once a week or once every two weeks during a few years.
    Instead, he respects himself and you by walking out. You want a man in love focused on you and, as he said, he can’t focus on you. He is honestly leaving the space free for your match to feel attracted by your freed energy and to step in.b

    xxx



  170.  #170Zara on June 25, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Elsie

    *****In order to change what I did with my food, I had to change what I did with my food. It stands to reason that in order to change what I do with my love, I will have to change what I do with my love. I don’t really know how to do that yet. There are things about my life that exist in my blind spot, and I don’t know how to see them. But I guess the first step is knowing that I have a blind spot. And that I want to look at those things I can’t see so I can create something better for myself. So I can change how I see myself, my humanity, and my love. So I can stop living like my place is small, dark, and hidden. I want to start walking in the sunshine. It’s my sun too.*****

    http://onceafatgirl.com/2012/05/05/my-place-or-yours/

    xxx



  171.  #171Zia on June 25, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    I feel like the next step for me is to truly listen to what men are telling me. If they say they’re not good enough for me… believe them. Don’t try to change their mind or convince them or sell myself…. believe what they say. Hear their truths.



  172.  #172Zara on June 25, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    620. Veronica and Zia

    About men, women and hormones
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gK-M3n9ks8

    xxx



  173.  #173Zara on June 25, 2013 at 8:18 pm


  174.  #174Erika on June 25, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Zia, yea, I need to decide how much I’m willing to invest. I had walked away from this relationship a while ago.

    In my business, I have mostly just set really strong boundaries because soft communication seemed to encourage people to keep asking me for free. How would I feeling message my way through this?

    She was asking me a business question, which I don’t like to do for free unless it’s a very quick answer.

    Hmm .. “It feels awful when people ask me business questions when they are not buying my products. I feel very unseen for how much inner work I did to transforming my own business and all the creativity and love that went into creating my products. I feel sad when people want to get advice from me and not give back to me financially.”

    And I can just hear the response already.

    “Oh Erika, I wasn’t trying to get business advice from you. I don’t see how you could ever have interpreted it that way. I was just curious if you had a coach or just did it with tapping.” Never mind that she already asked me the same question last year and she knows full well I didn’t have a coach.

    And it’s stuff like that when I just feel like walking away. I feel disgusted.



  175.  #175Erika on June 25, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Really loving Rori’s videos. It all comes so much more alive seeing the live demos.

    At first I felt triggered when I was mentioned in the videos, and then I remembered that an interpretation is not “true.” It’s just an interpretation, from that person’s perspective, based on the little they know about a situation. I give those kind of examples in my teaching too and it doesn’t make them “true.” So I started to feel more relaxed about it by changing my thoughts about it.



  176.  #176Zia on June 25, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Erika – a thought, but when it’s business related is it worth switching hats to your masculine hat? were you being asked in a work/business environment or was it just a friend? i absolutely respect your desire to only answer those questions free if they’re quick… perhaps giving a little information, and then something along the lines of “if you would like to know more then here’s my card” (or website, or something like that)?



  177.  #177Zara on June 25, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    On the previous article, some sirens commented they had been locked out of the blog.

    I was kept out the Rori’s blog during two days. My Google Chrome browser and my IE browser on my Windows desk top computer still can’t access the blog itself.
    My Safari browser on my iPad still can’t access it either.

    “Error404”
    “IE can not display the page”
    “Address unknown by the DNS”
    “Google Chrome could not find the page”
    “Safari can not find the server”

    These are the messages I get instead of the blog page.

    My Puffin Free browser on my IPad could not access either until just now. For some reason Puffin browser finally found the server. It is the only browser in the house that can access the blog for the moment.

    There was no problem to access havetherelationshipyouwant site itself.
    The blog whose address starts with blog. is what I could not access.

    xxx



  178.  #178Erika on June 25, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Yea I hear what you are saying … and … this switching hats idea doesn’t work for me. It really doesn’t. For me, I need an integrated way to approach life that works in all situations.

    Yea, exactly what you said, I’ve been sitting with that a lot lately. I notice that I don’t want personal relationships in my life anymore because of all the “unspoken assumptions.” I feel like people treat each other better when money is exchanged lol. That the agreements are more conscious.

    This is someone who originally was a practitioner I went to for sessions, when I first learned tapping. As my learning progressed, we started trading. And then a time came when there was no longer any value for me in trading. And I was honest with her and stopped trading. Since then, I have sensed a lot of resentment on her part that I make so much more money, and yet an unwillingness on her part to be humble enough to do what I did for her – which is learn what I have to teach and contribute to me financially.

    I’m not willing to go back to our “old” roles because they don’t fit anymore, so when she reacted like this I walked away from the relationship.

    Yet with my recent guy I felt same way. That having a “personal” relationship allowed things to progress that I never would have allowed in business.

    And I feel healthier in business. I see nothing but disaster in personal relationships. Some people seem to handle them somewhat better than I do … and yet I’m still finding myself drawn to making everything business … because I think I feel happier and so do other people. Honestly. I feel weird saying this, I am afraid nobody will be able to relate to it. Yet I don’t like to follow along with the mainstream just because it’s popular. In my experience, so much of what is just “accepted as the only way” in our society is clearly not working for anyone.



  179.  #179Vi on June 25, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I feem peaceful right now. It feels airy and I love this feeling. Thank you, Life, for this wonderful feeling. I feel loved.



  180.  #180Erika on June 25, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    It really resonated with me in one of Rori’s videos when she was talking about men paying for the “girlfriend experience.” I know a woman who does that professionally and she has a great OPEN relationship. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, I can sense her insecurities yet it seems much stronger than most.

    Anyway, I was thinking, yea, that’s how I feel too. Don’t take this the wrong way lol … I’m talking imaginatively here … I would love to be paid to give the girlfriend experience and vice versa. Because I bet everyone involved would treat each other better and provide a higher level of “service.” Marriage often seems to bring out the worst in everyone, while getting paid helps people rise to a higher standard or they might not keep getting paid.

    Now I really feel out on a limb here … I feel uncomfortable expressing this especially not using all feeling messages. It’s something I contemplate a lot though



  181.  #181Erika on June 25, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    This guy was implicitly going to trade doing “home improvement” projects for me in exchange for sex … once I became conscious that is what was going on, I put the kibosh on that. I’m worth a lot more than a few home improvement projects. And ultimately it did feel like the whole thing would have felt better from the beginning if I’d insisted he be a paying coaching client and not a “date.” It would have prevented all this bizarre passive-aggressive stuff that ended up happening. Well, even if nobody resonates with what I’m saying, it feels good to express it anyway



  182.  #182Zia on June 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    Erika 177: “Honestly. I feel weird saying this, I am afraid nobody will be able to relate to it. Yet I don’t like to follow along with the mainstream just because it’s popular. In my experience, so much of what is just “accepted as the only way” in our society is clearly not working for anyone.” <- are you referring to your business?



  183.  #183Millie on June 25, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Thank you Dominique and Mercedes.
    Ok me and my amazing vibe are going to go!
    Hopefully I can rally up some friends to come along too.



  184.  #184Erika on June 25, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Hi Zia, thanks for asking. I feel that way about everything. I question everything. I absolutely appreciate Rori’s work and I see marriage as a broken institution. One of my male friends has written some really thoughtful articles about the issues that arise when you create essentially a “monopoly” that marriage is. CD-ing helps to address this by making it less of a monopoly. And yes I question everything – do I want to participate in it the way it currently exists? I don’t know. I might rather be paid for the girlfriend experience lol 🙂



  185.  #185Erika on June 25, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    The guy who wrote those articles btw is the guy who is in the committed long-term open relationship with the woman who gives the “girlfriend experience.” They have one of the happier relationships I’ve ever witnessed. When Rori talked about girlfriend experience on the videos, I thought of them.

    Also I am so happy I found the Money video. Listening to it now 🙂 It turns out Rori has two Love Scripts programs, and I was confused which was which 🙂



  186.  #186Zia on June 25, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    Erika – I love that you question everything. And why not!



  187.  #187Erika on June 25, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Thanks Zia, that feels good.

    Tonight I practiced expressing myself about my annoyance with the disconnection exactly when things are feeling good … we’ll see what happens .. I feel curious.



  188.  #188k2012 on June 25, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Good night ladies, I am just about to retire to bed. Its pretty late here where I am. I am not meeting any guys at all. I am wondering if I am doing something wrong. I don’t want to do online dating only. I want to use other options at well. I am trying to remember if its this Friday is Singles Ministry at church or next Friday. I missed the first one that started about 2 weeks ago. Whenever it is held, I will go. So that’s one way of meeting someone. At that ministry, I will see the single men who come to that Ministry and get to know them. I haven’t reached any seminars as yet. Sounds like this might be done in summer. In the meantime, I am taking care of myself. I had not done a facial in ages and sometime ago, about 2 weeks ago,I decided I was going to do it. So glad I did. I felt so relaxed and good afterwards. I find that feeling messages can be used to just about anyone, not just men. There is a particular situation that I have to deal with I am going to address and I am very angry with a particular person. I am actually going to write them about it. If I ever draft that letter the way how I feel, it would probably cause a whole lot of strife. Some of what I wanted to say, required the use of feeling messages, instead of attacking the person. So I am going to rewrite it instead in “Feeling Messages.



  189.  #189Zara on June 26, 2013 at 12:32 am

    Erika

    It reminds me of Dr. Pat Allen’s sayings:
    “Do you want to get laid or get paid”
    “Don’t go to bed without a contract”

    xxx



  190.  #190sophie on June 26, 2013 at 2:09 am

    168/170 – Zia I agree x I was in a similar situation x sometimes i’d feel upset because this particular man would leave early or abruptly but really he was protecting me because he felt ‘desire’ but he knew he couldn’t give me what I wanted (relationship wise) disappointing but beautiful and the mark of a kind and honest man (hence making it even more disappointing!). A good lesson in listening to what they say. A good lesson in listening to what they say and realising its not always ‘about me’ and ‘because I did something wrong’ or ‘they don’t like me’. Also a good lesson in seeing where I’m at – why I have attracted men that bring this up in me x

    158 – Mercedes thank you for your comment to Smile – I felt comforted – I’ve just had an emotional breakdown approaching my 35th birthday about wanting a baby (and seeing a man who doesnt)…it is always soothing when I can get back on track and believe my time will come 🙂

    177 – Erica – I like these thoughts thank you for sharing – for me its about the value we put on things – how much do we value our services and ourselves – maybe that comes across in our vibe too – i have a lot of work to do in these areas…it feels interesting to put it in context to relationships i’ve never thought about it like that before – I’ve seen a therapist for the last 7 years and she’s a great teacher for me in this…once i calculated i’d paid over £10k over the years and i don’t begrudge a penny of it – it is an investment and commitment to myself and a lesson in how she values herself and her service and her personal security (rightly so) -it is also a lesson to me in boundaries – she never wavers in her boundary around money and this keeps a very well-needed professional boundary – would i have felt so committed if i hadn’t been paying (honestly perhaps not). Would I have felt so proud of my commitment to myself (perhaps not…) And she has given me a huge discount for years as she knew my resources were limited – that was her commitment to me. And her lesson around self-worth and boundary is definitely translatable into my personal relationships…interesting stuff! 🙂



  191.  #191sophie on June 26, 2013 at 2:14 am

    188 -(170-168) it was Zara’s comments – Sorry I keep getting everyone’s names muddled up – i feel small child getting it wrong

    GO MILLIE!!!!! Rockstar chick 🙂



  192.  #192Zia on June 26, 2013 at 4:40 am

    sophie (189) yes exactly!! that is what i have to learn now. if he says he’s not what’s best for me….. i have to listen to that and hear his truth.



  193.  #193Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Zara et al when I could not access the blog I wrote to Rori and these two messages –

    From: Rori Raye
    Sent: Sun, Jun 23, 2013 1:24 pm
    Subject: RE: Blog

    Thank you so for writing – the “hosting” company upgraded servers, and there seems to be a glitch somehow – I’ve got everyone working on it. Please, if you have another network for the blog community – let them know what’s happening, and I’ll write you back as soon as it’s solved. Love, Rori

    – emergency with blog – I’ve set up a post here for the community to work with – please spread the word!

    http://www.coachrori.com/comment-here-for-roris-siren-blog/

    Rori Raye



  194.  #194Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 6:07 am

    I felt really moved by this comment on another thread. I thought I would paste it here.

    Inn says:
    I came up with my own little tool:
    Every time I feel I missing him, I imagine a huge gift-box for him with my respect and trust and actually feeling like I give it to his hands openly with the softness inside.

    And i feel surrender to his decisions and that I’m about to give him rare pleasure with me – the feeling like he can be safe around me.

    It helps when I feel charge to do something. And my feelings became pure, without worrying, I can dream



  195.  #195Mercedes on June 26, 2013 at 6:15 am

    ((((((Sophie)))))) Sending you peaceful thoughts today. Yes…your time is coming too.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  196.  #196Zia on June 26, 2013 at 6:16 am

    “Oxytocin is highly addictive. Some scientists even describe oxytocin as being more addictive than heroin.”

    “Like many addictive chemicals, oxytocin does not immediately produce withdrawal symptoms. Usually, there’s about a three (3) day wait between your last oxytocin fix and the onset of withdrawal symptoms. So, if you are like most of us, then you can expect to go from two to four days before you start missing — painfully missing — someone to whom you are heavily bonded.”

    And apparently so much as talking to a man you’re bonded with can give you the fix you need. It explains why it took me so long to get over my boy’s dad…… And also gives me good cause to cut my most current ex from my life to try and move on.



  197.  #197Zia on June 26, 2013 at 6:17 am

    These past couple of days i have been feeling so incredibly inspired about what i want to do with my life…… and i am making the most of it by writing, getting it all out… letting the inspiration flows.. it is so rare for me to feel this way. I love it 🙂



  198.  #198sophie on June 26, 2013 at 6:31 am

    194 (((Thank you Mercedes)))

    195 that 3 day wait for withdrawal symptoms feels very aha! I even told a CD that 3 days no contact feels comfortable enough but after that I start freaking out, feeling insecure, NV’s all that kind of thing…so could it actually be withdrawal symptoms???? How do we soothe our symptoms? How do we detox?

    193 that feels nice fw 🙂 comforting and peaceful



  199.  #199Emerson on June 26, 2013 at 6:45 am

    None of my guys poofed after all! They all contacted me wanting to make plans.
    I am learning so much. I’m realizing that Dominique is right … A week is not that long if a guy doesn’t contact you it doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Maybe just busy !!
    I have 3 in my rotation, exoticCD is officially crossed off the list.
    Recycledcd is calling and texting but I don’t take it seriously. I may just keep him around to satisfy my sexual needs. Hahha! I do care for him as a person too we’ve come a long way I just know he’s not long term relationship material and I’m ok with that now that I’m cding more.



  200.  #200Emerson on June 26, 2013 at 6:46 am

    196 yay Zia! Exciting!



  201.  #201Emerson on June 26, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Right now I’m just going day by day and no expectations. I’m going to call one of my CDs cuddleCD cuz he is so affectionate! I had no expectations when meeting him and thought he was not my type and now I kinda like him alot! He is sweet an generous! I think I names him something else in a precious post but now he is cuddleCD haha! I’m kinda doing an experiment and letting myself feel free withy sexuality and allowing him to be very naughty/flirty with me by encouraging it! It’s fun and I love it….



  202.  #202Emerson on June 26, 2013 at 8:12 am

    I would no be here if it was not for rori and her advice about cding. I know now that it’s a good thing and it realllly does build attraction!!!!!



  203.  #203Lisa on June 26, 2013 at 9:39 am

    I’m feeling empowered today
    I’m feeling stronger
    I’m feeling secure in myself
    I’m feeling Ok even if the relationship doesn’t work out…
    I’m feeling happy that the polyp was tiny and everything else checked out ok

    Fasting on liquid for 2days prior to my endoscopy was hard but seemed to give me some kind of strength at the same time, my mind was clear ( even though my body was weak)

    “M” stepped up to the plate and totally took care of me… OMG so well… it was amazing how I felt so safe and didn’t have to be “strong” this time. I could feel and be what I was in that time and not have to go into masculine to take care of myself and my child…. He was so amazing… I don’t think I have ever, ever, ever felt so loved and cared for when I was sick or down physically. He even bought me extra food for later that evening b/c he knows I have to eat lots ….

    I still have concern about the relationship… that I need resolve on… but living in the moment… he was just amazing yesterday and today he calls me to see how I am…

    So, this is what it feels like… to be loved and taken care of by a man…. OMG… tears.. lots of tears … this is what it feels like… something I’ve never had before… tears of joy! tears of release from the past…

    I felt so loved yesterday! I could have just melted in his arms right in the Dr’s office… and I did… it was amazing…

    I’m recovering still very tired… but taking care of ME.. today.. and it is just about ME today.. and that’s good..that’s out of my box…

    OXOXO



  204.  #204Erika on June 26, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Hi Zara,

    Wow, I did not know that Pat Allen said anything like that! I love that.

    Yea after much experience I have decided I will not have sex without an explicit agreement backed up by investment and action about the purpose of the relationship and how it’s going to work.

    This is as much for my clarity as anything else. How many times in life did I have sex with a guy and end up in a long-term relationship with him, only to realize that **I** was the one who didn’t want to be with him long term. That happened a bunch of times and I just ended up feeling annoyed with myself for spending that much time in a relationship going nowhere.

    By requiring an agreement, I get much more clear about what I want up front. That’s how I nixed this recent guy so quickly. My “old self” might have gone along with it longer because he was being “nice” to me and I “should” give him a chance. My new self realizes where that road goes, and I did not get sucked into having sex with him.

    I am happy with the way my business runs. People keep their commitments, clients show up on time for sessions, people in my group treat me with respect. I have abundance and freedom. That’s because of the way I run it. And it works so well that I can no longer imagine having a romantic relationship the “old” way.

    – Erika



  205.  #205k2012 on June 26, 2013 at 10:51 am

    “I may just keep him around to satisfy my sexual needs.”. Emerson (198). Emerson u cracked me up. So you are finally done with Exotic cd. Ok. Why do u say that Recycled cd is not long term relationship material? I am feeling slightly down today. I have no idea why. I think it is slightly bothering me that I can’t find a new boyfriend. I feel lonely. I just feel down. Haven’t felt this way in a long time.



  206.  #206Veronica on June 26, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Erika – I’m very curious – what would this agreement be?



  207.  #207Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Hi all.

    I felt I needed a day or so to just decompress from the blog. I am VERY nervous to type on here again. I felt very “beat up” and frankly, a lot of what was said regarding my situation was not factual. Mercedes and Dominique know the whole story, so they always get it right, but I felt like I was starting to have to “defend” myself and my situation a lot which I didnt want to do. (i.e. he is “hiding” me at work, etc. which is totally not true, its EXTREMELY mutual….etc.)

    I did not hear from him on Mon night. Tuesday I was out of the office in meetings and did not hear from him Tues. night. Wed. (today) I did see him. He called me three times at work. I have given a lot of thought to what you have all said. I did not take the first two phone calls, and the third one I took because I knew what it was about and it was very short. We spoke a bit around lunchtime and I was trying to poke fun at something with someone else around, and he got snippy with me. So I gently leaned back and was open. It worked. He relaxed.

    At this point, I do not know exactly what to do.

    If I am being “authentic” with myself, then I want to have a conversation with him about where we are at and how he is feeling, and try to truly understand whats going on (Queens Code, and Dr. Ali – “seek first to understand and then be understood.”)

    But I can not be authentic AND lean back.

    So, Rori’s teachings are confusing me. According to her e-book – she says if a man does not call – you say NOTHING. You are open and warm, and say nothing.

    But I authentically feel concerned that he is pulling away and so I”m not sure how to address that.

    The real question is: Do I say something to him and have that conversation, or just lean back and say nothing. Rori seems to be saying both, and they are mutually exclusive.

    I am VERY NERVOUS posting here. I am VERY frustrated because I feel like there was a lot of dismissive and deprecating talk directed at me. It felt hurtful.

    I can handle “tough love” but it was difficult because I feel like many of you dont truly know the situation that he and I are in, and the logistics of it and made recommendations based on information you did not know. Obviously that does not go for Mercedes/Dominique and others who do know – but I was surprised how many people did not know the situation I was in and how MUTUAL much of it was.



  208.  #208Rori Raye on June 26, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    crystal – Getting him back is not impossible – and I would encourage you to start with the ebook, and then get the Complete Collection. In the meantime – I can assure you that being depressed, crying and begging will do nothing but make him want to run further. This is about ATTRACTION – and nothing else. You must pull yourself together, Circular Date NOW (we’ll help you) and get busy and feeling useful to yourself and the world to get steady and sane and more ATTRACTIVE (I’m not talking about beauty, or personality, or anything like that when I say Attraction – I mean LITERALLY ATTRACTIVE – like a magnet, like a Venus Fly Trap). Love, Rori



  209.  #209Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Elsie,

    I feel relieved to read your post. I felt worried about you.

    I think you can be 100% authentic *and* lean back (or, at least, not lean forward).

    I do it by writing out what I *want* to say–not censored at all. Then I go through and distill out the feelings and make feeling messages. Then I edit out anything that is talking about him, or his actions, what he is or is not doing, anything that is making him wrong, anything that looks like telling him what to do, etc. etc. Then, I usually sit on that for a while and see what is coming up for me. Sometimes the writing exercise is enough to just keep leaning back and not do anything at all. Sometimes I find new, more accurate, feelings come up and I need to refine the speech some more. I’ve learned that I can’t really trust what I’m feeling at the peak of a triggered episode.

    Anyway, the goal is to communicate to him something that is entirely about you. It shows that you are in touch with yourself, and that you are taking care of yourself and your needs and boundaries.

    I think that is what Rori is saying. The ability to do this is what men find attractive. It takes the pressure off of them because we are taking care of ourselves. And that is what makes it safe for them to go forward with us.

    🙂



  210.  #210Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    “But I authentically feel concerned that he is pulling away and so I”m not sure how to address that.”

    I feel sad & disconnected (from you).

    I’m feeling anxious and sad.



  211.  #211Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    (((((((((Crystal))))))))

    Elsie, happy to see you posting. I hope you find peace.



  212.  #212Millie on June 26, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Elsie,

    I feel relieved to read your post as well.
    We are all here to help you, I’m sorry you felt attacked. Not all of us can read every post and be as involved with everyone’s story as we’d like to be. Speaking for myself, I chime in when I can and respond in the best way I can from what I read. At the end of the day, only you really know what is going on in your relationship because you are the only one that is in it. I support you and want you to find happiness. I’m sorry if anything I said came across as criticism or judgement.



  213.  #213Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Emerson – 198 – YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  214.  #214Millie on June 26, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    @Crystal 157

    I feel sad reading that after 8 yrs your relationship is changing and causing you so much unhappiness.
    My chest got tight when I read that he told you-he’ll be back with you if it doesn’t work out with her. How does that make you feel?

    I understand it is so hard to let go of how good the relationship was and all that he is to you and your children, but perhaps looking at the present and seeing the man he is right now at this moment, will help relieve some of your pain. Asking yourself-Do you want a man that sees you as a fallback or a second choice? I highly recommend Rori’s ebook and of course the ladies on here are so supportive and give excellent feedback.



  215.  #215Erika on June 26, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    I feel sad hearing about the 8 years also. I feel hopeful though because I think Rori’s right you can turn it around.

    Rori is running a special right now on the programs. A really good value for the entire collection. I really want to express how much more the tools come alive for me when I see the videos.



  216.  #216Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    Elsie – 207 – This may be what you are feeling, yet it’s fueled by anxiety, and anxiety is something you need to get a handle on on your own. Did you read this week’s article about exactly this?

    http://sexandheart.com/dealing-with-anxiety

    xxoo



  217.  #217Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    “The way that the most successful couples solve problems is by IGNORING THEM.

    Yep, I’m telling you to IGNORE your problems.

    You see the first thing you need to do is take your focus OFF the problem.

    Just like staring at the thermometer CREATES anxiety so does a vigilant focus on the problem.

    Again…

    Just like “ignoring” the thermometer and focusing
    on the fun and festivities of a BBQ creates fond
    memories and deeper relationships.

    When you set the problems aside and work on enjoying your relationship…you’ll find almost all problems “dissolve” themselves.”

    T Dub



  218.  #218CurvySiren10 on June 26, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Hmmm, 217. I would say that is a load of crap, sorry. Ignoring problems or issues don’t make them go away,Sweeping dirt under a rug doesn’t mean it’s gone. It’s just neatly taken out of view.
    Ignoring weeds in a garden won’t stop them from choking out the flowers. The weeds have to be removed so the garden can stay healthy.



  219.  #219Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you everyone for thinking of me – that made me feel special actually that I would be missed 🙂

    I know that not all of you have time to get 100% info on every story, so its not that I was upset at that – its just that I felt like if I stayed that night, I would have felt defensive and had to defend and explain my situation which some people had wrong, and it would have been exhausting, and it would have looked like I was arguing, etc.

    So….he called me for the 4th time and I finally answered, and he said “hey what are you doing” as per usual. I said – I’m actually working on some stuff, and I am swamped with this stuff I dont really understand.” So immediately he offered to help.

    So I went over with my notepad ready for work related stuff. Ok – NO work related information happened. LOL. We talked about the last three days, and stuff that has happened in his life….and my life.

    And then, I was telling him that I may have to put my dog of 17 years down. I said, my soon to be ex wont go – because you know, he never does anything that is hard, difficult or for anyone else. So of course its left up to me, and I dont really want to be alone. So I said – Look, I have a favor to ask, and frankly, I’m not sure I”ll need it and not sure when it will be.

    He immediately said – yes, what? And so I said, that I might want someone with me right after I put my dog to sleep if I have to….and he didnt even blink. He said – ok, when and where. I said – I dont really know. And he said – well, just let me know – if its on a day that I work late it would be better because I could just go from work, but just let me know.

    I felt supported. But I didnt lean in anymore. I said thank you and that means a lot. That was it.

    Then we talked about more stuff.

    Then we walked out to our cars and he gave me a DVD player that he had wanted to give me. He asked me to PLEASE text him tonight to remind him to bring the remote because he forgot.

    So – that was it. Nothing flirty. Inside I was screaming – ASK HIM TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH YOU ON NETFLIX TOGEHTER TONIGHT (we watch movies at the same time sometimes at our respective houses)…..I was screaming inside – LOOK FLIRTY at him.

    But I didnt. I didnt lean forward at all. I did go over there to talk, but it was about work, and he was the one that started talking about everything else in our lives.

    So – I dont know. But I’m not worried about it though. I dont know why – but for the moment I’m just not. I liked not answering his first two phone calls.

    I liked being soft when he got snippy with me.

    I liked that he called me again in the afternoon.

    I still dont like that he didnt contact me much when I was gone a week or over the weekend.

    But as Christian Carter says – happy people are patient people. I need to find the right time to talk to him.

    And I’m still disagreeing with you guys. I really feel after thinking about it A LOT, that I want to say to him that if he is pulling away then he just needs to let me know that and it will be better for me and my ability to allow him his alone time. Also, I want to say to him that during those times I want to be able to be emotionally brave and say what I want in case I need it as per our agreement. 🙂

    I know you sirens will disagree with me on this one. Mercedes and Dominique I know you both hate this idea. But I really feel strongly about it.

    But that said, I’m not saying anything to him about it until I think more on it and how I want to say it.

    Thanks again everyone. I KNOW that you were all trying to help me – if I didnt really feel that Iwouldnt be back here.

    Thank you again.



  220.  #220Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    WildGeranium : I am going to go do that exercise right NOW.

    Dominique – I will read your article right now too.

    Millie – sweet. thank you



  221.  #221Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    217: TOTALLY agree 100%. If you focus on problems that is what grows. What you feed grows. Now, if you have an alcoholic, etc. that’s a different story, right? But if its small or maybe slightly big but doesnt happen often, just let it go. I do agree with this.



  222.  #222Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    @Wildgeranium. Ok I did your exercise. I wrote it all out – and WOW – it was LONG.

    I took out and changed everything to feeling words. I took out everything that blamed him (there was a lot LOL).

    Here is what I ended up with in raw form.

    I feel mad and hurt because I wanted to get together Sat and I felt alone when I didnt receive a text. I feel upset and disconnected and anxious. I feel far away and distant from you. I feel platonic with you. I feel nostalgic for the times we used to talk at night and watch movies when we couldnt be together. I feel unimportant. I feel scared of being abandoned now that I have given you my heart and body. I feel I am clinging to words said about the fact that you would do everything never to break my heart and that I dont need to worry. I feel disappointed, and I feel as if I am bracing myself for potential hurt and loss.



  223.  #223Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    #216–I need to read that every day….Thank you Dominique!

    #219 “And I’m still disagreeing with you guys. I really feel after thinking about it A LOT, that I want to say to him that if he is pulling away then he just needs to let me know that and it will be better for me and my ability to allow him his alone time. Also, I want to say to him that during those times I want to be able to be emotionally brave and say what I want in case I need it as per our agreement. :)”

    I’ll just address this once more and I promise I won’t bring it up again…Imagine hearing this from his point of view. It will sound like unnecessary drama to him. Pulling away is something that men need to do all the time (even when you’ve been married for 54 years–I see it with my parents). What he’ll be hearing from you is that a)you possibly can’t handle that b) that he needs to tell you every time he is going to be pulling away? c) you can only be o.k. with his pulling away/alone time if he tells you that is what he is doing? None of those are good things in his mind. He may even feel emotionally manipulated. If you want to be emotionally brave, be just that. That is what strong on the inside is all about. What you want to say–above–is making him responsible for your feelings and emotions. Look at it this way–there are a bunch of reasons he could be pulling away, and some of them may have absolutely nothing to do with you. But if you make it about you, that is what he’ll remember–in a negative context. If you focus 100% of your mental energy on yourself, then whatever the reason he was pulling away, he will be drawn to you for a positive reason. He’ll be curious about you!

    I actually like it that he got snippy with you. To me, that is a good indicator that when you use the tools (you did not answer his phone calls) he notices. And the change makes him a little grumpy. When you are setting good boundaries for yourself people, men, will get grumpy because they are used to you being one way. I think its a little sign that they care. (of course, extended grumpi-nes is just a sign that they need to not be in your life)…



  224.  #224Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    RE 222 Elsie I feel you so much my heart is shaking. OMG



  225.  #225Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    WildGeranium: I mistyped. I meant that I DONT want him to tell me when he is JUST pulling away for a while, but if he is truly doing a fade out/break up to just be honest with me – otherwise I dont care if he is doing the pull away, etc. for space. Sorry I mistyped. It changes everything of course. 🙂

    Thats interesting. I thought he was pissy with me because he was mad at me for some reason. I dont know. But I never thought about it like that. That he noticed that I was not answering his calls, etc. INteresting.

    @FW – Thank you – I seriously and truly feel heard by you! 🙂



  226.  #226Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    #222
    You’re feeling like abandonment is imminent.

    That is a *very* strong emotion.

    And there are forces inside of you that are trying to protect you from getting hurt. Those forces would have you push him away to protect you from getting hurt.

    In me, I call this force/voice “the security guard”. I think Rori calls it the nasty voice.

    Do you have the e-book? Read Chapter 1 Stop Believing Your Nasty Voice

    “You can break the bad habits of the Voice by simply refusing to believe it. Notice I don’t say, “Don’t listen to it,” because I want you to let the voice know you hear it – it’s a part of you that you want to KNOW. It’s part of the inner circle of What You Don’t Know that you want to include in the larger circle of What You Know. You want to listen when it speaks (or screams) – you just don’t want to BELIEVE what it’s saying!” –Have the Relationship You Want chpter 1

    Personally, at some point if you have some face time with him–away from work–I think you could take some of your feelings from what you wrote above and express them in an honest and vulnerable way to him and then just listen to what he says.



  227.  #227Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    #225 lol yes, that changes things 🙂 haha

    #222 writing all of that stuff out really really helps. It has helped me not get triggered nearly as much as I used to. It turns the whole triggering process into something that is conscious instead of unconscious. And, when its conscious it actually gets really tedious and boring and it passes a lot more quickly because I’d rather be doing other things and being happy!

    ps–I’ll admit I was mad when I read that you went to his office when you needed help on work stuff. lol… I don’t advocate game playing, but I would let him come to you if he is going to help.



  228.  #228Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Elsie – 219 – Actually I don’t hate any ideas, not even this one. The problem is, people don’t work this way. most of the time they don’t even know they are pulling away. And to alert someone to this feels contrived, not genuine.

    What you can say in these times is this – I’ve been feeling disconnected. You seem far away. And I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to feel this way with you. Is there anything you want to tell me, say to me?

    xxoo



  229.  #229Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    You can also add – I miss you.

    xxoo



  230.  #230Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Wildgeranium – 223 – 🙂

    xxoo



  231.  #231Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Yes that word does changes everything, lol.

    The little speech though stands.

    xxoo



  232.  #232Erika on June 26, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    I feel happy. I gave myself a time out after his last email, didn’t say anything for a week. Today I expressed in feeling messages without blaming him about how annoyed I feel when we get to a really warm place of intimacy and then it suddenly disconnects. He said he just doesn’t have anything to say right now, but he made it clear that it’s not something bad about me. He just has nothing to say right now. And I truly authentically feel like I can accept that, well I’ve often felt that way myself, like there’s nothing to say. Why do I feel so happy? Because this is exactly what I was upset about, that he would withdraw without telling me what is going on for him. So he told me what is going on for him, and instantly I felt so much more connected and 100% willing to let him be silent. I feel celebratory. My heart feels so open and accepting of the moment exactly the way it is.



  233.  #233Vi on June 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I feel resentful and even angry (!) towards the phrase ‘I miss you’! I wish I had time to explore and heal it.. I loce my a ger I love my frustration.. I feel powerless to admit I miss someone and I want to beat myself up for that.. I love ny learned patterns..



  234.  #234Erika on June 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I feel like watching Rori’s videos before I said anything helped me feel more connected to myself and not blaming. And speaking very authentically and not on eggshells yet with sincere curiosity.



  235.  #235BeLoved on June 26, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I’m feeling wowed witnessing Elsie’s process 🙂
    I wish I had this blog when I was triggered so hard for months on end a few years ago.
    The guy I was dating said flat-out, “I think you have abandonment anxiety..” and I said..”Oh, yes! That fits, totally!”
    I didn’t know what to do about it then, going through that was rough, agonizing (did I mention agonizing?), miserable and terrifying. I love that you are getting so much support for it now, Elsie.

    Reading this makes me wonder if I can go into my memories and give my previous self these tools…
    oh, yes…okay, yes, feels so much happier 🙂

    xoxoxo
    (((Elsie)))



  236.  #236Vi on June 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    It feels like giving away my power.. The power I really don’t feel… Or have..



  237.  #237Vi on June 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Hehe 🙂



  238.  #238Vi on June 26, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I feel glad I managed to write it out even though I am in a rush.. It means so much to me.. I feel loved by myself..



  239.  #239Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    @Wildgeranium: LOL. Yes, one word changes everything LOL. I do have Roris Ebook and have read it many many times. I see your point. I do honestly feel like I want to push him away now so I dont get hurt. That feels “true” to me. So it must be partly true.

    And I have asked him in the past to come to me for help. I dont like the way that that “feels”. It feels like I’m forcing someone to be with me. If he wants to come to me, then thats fine. And if I need help I’ll go to him. It feels offputting when I ask him to come to me. I dont know – I used to do it and I dont like the way it feels – I cant explain it. It feels like he doesnt really want to be there or something, and I forced him.

    @Dominique – Thank you I”m a work in progress LOL

    @ERIKA!!!! omg – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. I dont need him to not pull away – if he pulls away – fine. I just want to connect to him and feel connected even when he is away. I just want to know that I’m not being abandoned. Erika – can you tell me the “speech” you used to him – this is exactly the place I”m in right now.

    @BeLoved – thank you – that is so sweet of you. That makes me feel really good that you appreciate the fact that I have support. I’m sorry you didnt have the support when you needed it. I know how agonizing it is.

    I do feel like this place is wonderful for support and full of very caring people….



  240.  #240Zia on June 26, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    198 sophie: i guess that’s what these tools are all for, but so far i’ve not found something that really works for me to ease them completely. in all my relationships, the only time i’ve truly gotten over the last guy is when i’ve met a new guy. and this is something i’m trying to change…



  241.  #241Erika on June 26, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Hi Elsie,

    I started with this:

    “I feel so annoyed when we are so close to everything being just good and easy and harmonious, and then it feels like things disconnect. If I get excited that it’s finally almost happily resolved, it feels really disappointing when communication just drops off without telling me what’s going on for you. Then I feel like doing things you don’t like because I’m so pissed … even though deep down I don’t really want to do that.”



  242.  #242Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Vi – <3

    xxoo



  243.  #243Dominique on June 26, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Elsie – 239 – It’s not your job to help him. This is HIS job to fix things, for him, for you, and so on. Trying to fix things for a man is putting you firmly into masculine energy. This is why it feels bad.

    xxoo



  244.  #244Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Ok – ladies. This is what I think you would want me to say to him:

    I feel a lot of attraction and respect for the fact you are so independent. It makes me feel like you can not only take care of yourself, but take care of me, which I love. (He has said many times he wants to take care of me.) When we are together I feel we get to this warm place of deep intimacy where I believe you when you say you want to take care of me, will do everything you can not to hurt me, and that I can trust you with my heart. But afterwards when we cant be physically together for a while because of our circumstances, I feel disconnected during those periods of time and while I know its either just our circumstances, or maybe you needing your space to recharge and just be alone, Im just a girl here, and I feel fussy and instead I want to be emotionally brave with you and just let you know that I want to feel a connection with you. What do you think?

    This is what I really want to say to him:

    WTF? Dude. We get to these places of deep intimacy where I feel totally connected and loved by you and in love with you. And then it feels like you unplug. Look. If you need time to recharge or be alone, I get that. I just need to know you aren’t going to do the slow fade, or think this is going to be FWB, because its not. And during the times that you are unplugged, but I need to be connected, I just want to be able to tell you that and have you jump online to chat or text me or watch a movie or something. No Big F’ing deal. Dude, just be normal. Either you’re in or you’re out – just let me know. If you need help figuring out when I need to connect to you I can just let you know and you show up. Deal? Done. Now lets have sex. LOL.



  245.  #245Erika on June 26, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Elsie,

    Listening to Rori’s videos right now, how about a little more simple and no interpreting of him. He doesn’t unplug, “it” unplugs, after all it’s a co-creation. How about editing your first version to talk only about you and what you feel and no guessing what’s going on with him?



  246.  #246Erika on June 26, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Also, Elsie, I feel anger in your message yet you don’t say “I feel angry.” Usually when we are angry it’s best to fess up to it so what we say feels authentic.



  247.  #247Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Elsie,

    “I feel a lot of attraction and respect for the fact you are so independent. It makes me feel like you can not only take care of yourself, but take care of me, which I love. (He has said many times he wants to take care of me.)”

    I feel icky reading this. It sounds like “convincing”, and flattery, and he could hear it as “I love you as long as you take care of me” which *sounds* manipulative.

    “When we are together I feel we get to this warm place of deep intimacy where I believe you when you say you want to take care of me, will do everything you can not to hurt me, and that I can trust you with my heart.”

    Can you translate this into feeling messages using “I feel ____” and remove the “we”s and “you”s? Again, it feels a little close to you directing him how to be.

    “But afterwards when we cant be physically together for a while because of our circumstances, I feel disconnected during those periods of time and while I know its either just our circumstances, or maybe you needing your space to recharge and just be alone,”

    Can you just say– “I feel disconnected at times”. instead of tryin to interpret, for him, what is going on? Analyzing and figuring out is male energy.

    “Im just a girl here, and I feel fussy and instead I want to be emotionally brave with you and just let you know that I want to feel a connection with you. What do you think?”

    I think he is going to feel the “fussy” for sure. You don’t need to tell him you want to be emotionally brave–you need to actually just *be* emotionally brave.

    I would keep it very simple with feeling messages. Leave what he has promised or what he has felt or said or done in the past out of it. This is about what Elsie is feeling know.

    Elsie feels disconnected. And, a little sad. And, is there anything you’d like to share with me?



  248.  #248Erika on June 26, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    I’m feeling the beauty of being pissed off at each other, I’m feeling the beauty of the intimacy of that. I’m feeling the beauty of what is.



  249.  #249Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Ok but what would happen if I said #2???? lol. Seriously – this all seems like so much work and frankly, my #2 paragraph is so much more “me.” LOL.

    Saying “I feel disconnected. I feel sad.” THAT feels weird to me. LOL



  250.  #250Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    How can I leave all that stuff out? Its the IMPORTANT stuff, not just my feelings…..but WHY i’m feeling them. I’m feeling fussy because of what he is DOING. How can I not address that? I dont want to leave out the parts about what he said in the past. THATS what I’m fussy about. He said that stuff and now I feel abandoned.

    None of this seems to make sense anymore to me. I thought I had a handle on it and now it just has fallen through the cracks and I dont get it at all….sigh.



  251.  #251Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    I cant be like this. I just cant imagine a life where I would have to sit down and work this hard at each interaction and pick certain words and write and re-write until I found these words that are for his benefit, so that he will feel masculine or whatever.

    I just am venting. I’m sorry if its too much on here right now, just ignore me if thats the case.

    I just feel like I could never live a life where I did this for the next 30 years with someone. It feels like tip toeing and manipulating words and creating a vernacular that is intrinsically convoluted.

    Sigh. Feeling…….exhausted from all of this.



  252.  #252Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    That stuff is important to you. But its all about you. Yes, you have feelings. But part of a relationship is being responsible for your own feelings and not dumping them on someone else to get what you need.

    I agree with whichever siren said that your prepared message left out the anger that is apparent in your second version. Its true–there is a big disconnect between the two versions. And, since you are showing us both sides its makes it feel even more manipulative.

    Maybe just say that: “I’m feeling really fussy, disconnected, and abandoned. Is there something you want to talk about?” and then just see what he says–count to 10-20-30, whatever, like the queen’s code, until he says “that’s it” or “that’s all”.

    At the end of the day, there is no magic script, no perfect collections of words or actions that can change what someone else is going to do.

    But, I know for 100% sure that if you focus on yourself instead of him, if he does love you, he will start pursuing you again without you having to say or do anything at all (except work on your own *stuff*).

    If it were me, I’d stop trying to fix it, stop trying to figure out a speech and go read the e-book again. Don’t read the e-book as a guide on how to get this particular man. Read the e-book as a guide for how to get the best possible relationship with yourself and eventually with a man.



  253.  #253Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Elsie
    #251–warning tough-ish love:

    This is the whole point. If you work on yourself first and really do the work–that is everything that comes after you read the book. It requires mindfulness and hard work every single day. You become secure in yourself and you stop needing anyone to provide that security for you. And you don’t need speeches and all this hullabaloo around every interaction. Because you will naturally learn how to either a) live and interact in your relationships in a secure manner or b) when you are triggered, you will take all the information that you have learned from all the work you have done and know how to respond from a place that is healthy for you and respectful of those around you!

    The more work and healing you do inside, the easier it will become.

    Hey, have you read any of Brene Brown’s books? She is awesome.



  254.  #254Lisa on June 26, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    @Elsie

    I know that feeling oh so well! I’m with you! Sending you hugs!!! <3

    and though I'm finding that I need to balance my time better and not spend so much time trying to figure out the words… and be so perfect… and try so hard…

    I'm finding that I can give myself a break…make mistakes.. and do the tools and work when I can the best that I can… and allow it to be imperfect… b/c I can take the tools too seriously and drive myself nuts! trying to do it all at once, and be on top of it…

    You and I have very hectic and busy lives.. so we don't have the luxury of devoting as much time … and it can drive a person nuts… trying to be too perfect with this inner work… and as Rori says be gentle with yourself…

    sending you lots of love…



  255.  #255Erika on June 26, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Elsie,

    I do understand how demoralizing it can be. Even after I found Rori in 2006, I hit rock bottom in 2007 when it felt like nothing was working. Now I’m a very successful coach and I’m still practicing every single day. It does get easier to practice and mainly it’s learning to enjoy the process that helps the most. When it can be fun to find a new way to say something and see the results getting better. Same evolution in my business, as that was utterly failing in the summer of 2010, and I had to turn that around just like turning things around with men.

    Do you have Rori’s video programs? I really can’t say enough how much I am enjoying these videos. I had so much fun watching the makeovers in “Targeting Mr. Right.” I love watching women be transformed into visual goddesses. Every woman could be radiantly beautiful if she wears the right clothes and makeup and hair. The anger demos are so helpful too. Rori even has a payment plan that makes it very affordable. Maybe it could be more fun when you can see it live … unless you already have the videos.



  256.  #256Erika on June 26, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Love Scripts … there’s a program for dating and one for relationships. Demo after demo after demo, with Rori giving women exact words to express themselves without making him wrong. Fabulous. So helpful.



  257.  #257Lisa on June 26, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    @Erika

    I’d love to hear more about your coaching…
    and your story about hitting rock bottom… do you have a website?

    @ Erica… I agree with Erika… in my work sometimes it just feels good to take the bull by the horns and say bring it on! and enjoy the ride… and though, I still know how it feels to feel overwhelmed by it … and your perfect just the way you are… your lovable just as you are… and some man with open eyes ( intelligent enough to see it) will see that… and not want to let you go!!! He will chase you to the ends of the earth….

    <3



  258.  #258madison on June 26, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    That must be hard to live with.I know how you feel cause that is how I felt when I met Tom.He didn’t make me feel good about myself.So I felt like I was nothing but fat.



  259.  #259prplpsn28 on June 26, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    I really think I have abandonment anxiety. Am really having a hard time getting myself past this. I’ve read the ebook and I have all of Rori’s programs but have only gotten as far as half way thru Reconnect Your Relationship. Anyone have any suggestions as to which program may be the best one for me to go to next? Appreciate any suggestions.



  260.  #260prplpsn28 on June 26, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Haven’t heard from H in 2 days and not even sure if he’s home from Florida yet or not. Feeling really anxious! Don’t like this feeling AT ALL! As I stated above…any suggestions appreciated.

    Dominique…you are always awesome 🙂 I appreciate the feedback from earlier.



  261.  #261Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    prplpsn28: Attached is a good book. I just finished reading it – and it talks about the anxious attached versus the other attachment styles.



  262.  #262Erika on June 26, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Hi Lisa, thanks for being curious about my website. I feel a little hesitant to share my website here because I am a guest here and want to keep the focus on Rori’s work and her tools. If you click through my name, you can get to one of my sites, and that’s true for anyone here who lists their website when they post. Right now though I’m here to practice with Rori’s tools like everyone else and not to sell my own stuff.



  263.  #263Lisa on June 26, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    I’m feeling humble tonight…

    I’m also feeling sad… that I was so blind…

    I’m feeling hurt b/c of all the blindness I’ve had

    I turned it around and found that… I’m the one with the problem….. and now I know that I too have an addiction… to my thoughts and my feelings… I have to run and fix them…and I stay totally absorbed in my thinking and my feelings…

    My whole life has been dictated by my thoughts and feelings… I’ve been a puppet to them…

    I’m not going to fall into guilt… it will only make it continue the cycle… but now i know my addiction and I can choose not to be a puppet to my feelings and thoughts… and not have to run and make them all better so I can function…

    and when I’m involved with a man then my mind and my feelings are more crazy intense and obsessive… it stinks… b/c I feel so overtaken with them… It’s time to stop! Enough of my life has been eaten up by thinking too much about men…

    Ok… that is the most honest I’ve been publicly ever! Vulnerability!



  264.  #264Femininewoman on June 26, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Elsie I am up to the middle of the book. It seems like more than a style. It is a mechanim in the brain and people who are considered anxious seem to be very sensitive to changes in the relationship.



  265.  #265Elsie on June 26, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    @FW – I’m glad you are reading the book – I’ll be interested to know your thoughts at the end!!!

    @Lisa – you and I are a lot alike 🙂 Thanks for being so vulnerable….. 🙂 It makes it nice to know I’m not hte only one…



  266.  #266Millie on June 26, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    @Elsie 244

    I HAD to respond before I read everyone else’s response to you…

    I LOVE #2. I love it because I hear YOU in it. I hear your sassiness, your honesty, I feel like I can hear your tone and it is very point blank. I like that. I also like the metaphor you use about “unplugging” and how you want to know how to handle when he unplugs and you are still plugged in after all this amazing intimacy. I actually like saying Dude as well…but I’m sure it is not sireny..sounds more like you are stepping into the position of one of his Buddies than his girlfriend. I love #2 so much, I’m gonna edit a few things out and hopefully get a good balance of RAW Elsie and siren juice…

    You know what (his name here)? I feel frustrated…We get to these places of deep intimacy where I feel totally connected and loved by you and in love with you. And then it feels like you unplug. If you need time to recharge or be alone, I get that. But remembering what you’ve shared with me about your past, I feel afraid of experiencing the slow fade or being treated like a FWB. I don’t want to be that girl. During the times that you are unplugged, but I need to feel connected, I just want to be able to tell you that…When you withdraw I start feeling insecure about our relationship and I don’t want to feel that way.

    -I added the last part…I feel like it’s honest, but you may or may not want to say that. The part below I feel like is giving him an ultimatum: “You’re in or you’re out.) Elsie- are you saying that if he doesn’t want to connect with you in a consistent way that feels good to you that you would consider that out?
    I like the Let’s have sex part, but I feel like it is unrealistic to say after a pretty serious point you are trying to make. That might work better after a more silly, stupid argument or tiff.

    (Either you’re in or you’re out – just let me know. If you need help figuring out when I need to connect to you I can just let you know and you show up. Deal? Done. Now lets have sex. LOL.)



  267.  #267Wildgeranium on June 26, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    #262 — WOW

    I feel really good reading that Lisa.

    It feels like mourning…But also like you are getting yourself back…

    Yay vulnerability!



  268.  #268Turquoise on June 26, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Hi sirens. So far so good. One little stressful moment, but we made a joke of it, dropped it and moved on. It feels good to change patterns. We’ve had a lot of decisions to make for the yard, budget, etc. and I’ve shared my wants and thoughts, wishes…. Yet have been also asking what he thinks, saying I know he will make good choices and that I know how wonderful he will make it. We will be working together on projects all weekend, the girls helping too…. Feels nice to just be together as a family. It makes me a little sad, thinking what could have been…. But grateful we make the best of what we have now. The yard is going to be gorgeous. He’s having a large part of the hill cut out, putting on a deck, a new above ground pool, fencing the yard, sodding the yard, extra landscaping in the front, buying plants…. He even bought me two beautiful planters today.

    It’s hard to understand why he wants to do all of this for me, but doesn’t want to be with me. It’s excellent practice receiving, showing appreciation and still being feminine.
    Tomorrow we have a lot to do, actually a lot to do the next two weeks, but then we can relax on vacation! 🙂



  269.  #269Millie on June 26, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    Is it crazy that I feel like I’m living day to day with “Not chasing?” I think about this man constantly and I fight myself not to initiate anything…I’m winning, but it is a day to day struggle…very revealing of a bad habit or perhaps addiction I have? to the risk of initiating.



  270.  #270Zia on June 26, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Elise I listened to something yesterday, which basically men just want to know “what’s the problem” or “what’s the bottom line”. Hence, short and sweet. Us WOMEN are the ones who want all the details…. so “i feel sad, I feel disconnected, is there anything I should know” is pretty much perfect for a man 😉



  271.  #271elsie on June 26, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Millie. THANK you…… im soooooo glad someone gets me 🙂



  272.  #272Zia on June 26, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Also, I second getting Rori’s complete collection. I got the ebook just as I felt that things were falling apart again in yet another relationship and thought that was enough… I wish I had bought the complete collection BEFORE he left. Don’t leave it till it is too late x



  273.  #273Zia on June 26, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Millie – I still feel that way every single day x



  274.  #274BeLoved on June 27, 2013 at 3:04 am

    What I discovered underlying my abandonment anxiety (and just about every other anxiety)
    was a fear of death.
    So I focused on making peace with death, thereby creating a lot more peace for myself.



  275.  #275Syreena on June 27, 2013 at 4:02 am

    Elsie. It is about being you the real you. Not how others feel or what they would say, what they would say if they were you. They are not you.
    It;s about feeling what you feel. And what you want to say.
    So if you do not feel disconnected or sad then that is not what you feel. And don’t want to say it then just be you.
    What do you feel and what do you want to say?
    And then choosing then to express them and taking responsibility for them.



  276.  #276S. on June 27, 2013 at 4:32 am

    Dear Rori and sirens,
    some days ago i got your programs and i started studying them immediately. I ve gone through your toxic man program and the first part of the sirens and now i took a look to the love scripts.
    I really would love to get your help on my dilemma.
    I’ve been knowing a guy for 8 years i was very attracted to him from the first moment, i think he was also attracted to me but i was so afraid of him when he was making attempts to flirt me because he is a handsome and popular to women guy.
    Anyway, as the years were passing by we developed the same company of friends so i am seeing him quite often. There was a huge period of time that i was all the time complaining to him, making him wrong, suggesting, advising and geting very aggressive with him. He ended being aggressive with me also, not caring anymore and withdrawing.
    I know that he loves me but he is not in love with me and i know that he realizes that i feel things for him but i am afraid but we never had a conversation about feelings because i was so scared expressing anything loving to him.
    Now, i can feel the bad energy flows around us when we meet in the same place and its devastating.
    I will see him tonight in a friends gathering. Do you think i should initiate talking to him or just not do anything and just be there and feel my feelings and experience? i am afraid that i owe him a sharing of my feelings, i feel bad that i emasculated him, that i was so embarrassed to show my attraction, and i somehow want to say i m sorry. Of caurse i didn’t have the time yet to watch all your programs and be super-ready for talking to him, i know that i will get very anxious (i try to have in my mind the tools with the water), and i don’t know if i should go and do that talk now or if i should just try to surrender my stance and just be open.
    I have prepared a speech for him (inspired by your scripts), i will share it here so that you can give me your opinion in case you suggest me to go and talk.
    “E. i have a problem. I feel very confused when i see you. On the one hand i feel attracted and happy when i see you and on the other hand i feel scared. And this situation makes me feel cold and angry and i don’t like it to feel cold and angry. I know i have been wrong with you in the past and i want to say i’m sorry for this, i also tried to be friend with you because i liked being with you and getting to know you but now i realize that i feel much more romantically for you than i should be feeling as a friend. So, i really need to take care of myself now and i don’t want to feel bad around you, i just want to share my feelings with you and to acknowledge to you that if i look distant and withdrawn is just for the reasons i mentioned and not because i don’t respect you or i don’t like you anymore.”
    So, Rori what do you suggest? Love@



  277.  #277Syreena on June 27, 2013 at 4:33 am

    Wanted to share this post on addiction.
    Orna and Matthew Walters
    Love Notes Weekly!
    Focus on Love – Change Your Life!(TM)

    Welcome to this week’s edition of
    Love Notes Weekly!
    Enjoy!
    Love Note of the Week:
    Your Beloved will be perfect for you… but not perfect.

    As human beings we all make mistakes, it is part of being human. You are sure to make mistakes in life and in love. Begin a practice of forgiveness – for yourself and for others. You need not be perfect to bring in, nor keep love. Having integrity does not mean you never “fall down” – having integrity is all in how you “pick yourself back up.” Own your mistakes, make amends, move on. When your partner makes a mistake – voice how you feel, forgive, and move on.

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

    P.S. Follow us on Twitter at
    http://twitter.com/OrnaAndMatthew
    and on Facebook at http://facebook.com/SoulMateCoach

    Your Turn – Ask Orna and Matthew

    Have a question about finding love?
    Email us at: support@creatingloveonpurpose.com and ask us anything. We’ll do our best to give you an honest and helpful answer.

    We’ll either post the answers in our weekly newsletter or in our forum – which you can access here:

    Your Turn – Ask Orna and Matthew

    This week’s question comes from Laura:

    “Hi Orna and Matthew,

    I am so glad I found you – the universe pointed me in your direction just as I really need you!

    I have been addicted to unavailable men for 20 years and in the past few years, have pulled myself away – like an alcoholic coming off drink. But, the feelings are still there – like the alcoholic smelling alcohol and being consumed by the longing for it! My current situation involves a male friend, with whom I’ve got close to (as friends) quickly over the last few months. He’s in difficult emotional situation himself and in a relationship that he does not have much time for (but is to scared to leave, I imagine). I feel stuck.

    A large part of me wants to tear myself quickly as I have developed the habit of doing when I find the addiction coming back. But this is heart wrenching (he is a friend after all, and we have a connection) and I wonder is there not another way? I am blocking myself from revealing my true feelings to him, as I don’t trust their coming from an empowered place – also I am terrified of rejection and feel rejected even before I share my feelings (I know, part of my pattern). If I carry on in the ‘friendship’, in which there is obviously physical attraction, I know I will get more and more frustrated.

    What do you suggest? I know I am missing a different way of looking at this situation and need someone to point it out to me!

    Thanks so much.”

    Dear Laura,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to us and sharing your story. This is something we hear a lot and want you to know that there is a new way to be in this situation that will help you break this pattern.

    First, we want to lay a little groundwork so you understand what is going on with this pattern. If you’ve been paying attention to what we teach, you know how important it is to understand your Love Imprint. Your Love Imprint is how you learned to receive love in your family of origin and determines the pattern that shows up in your adult relationships.

    You’ve already identified that you’ve been addicted to unavailable men and it seems you understand how that fits into your family of origin. The next step is to realize that this familiarity is what your subconscious is recognizing in these men. And that recognition triggers the attraction. This could be called a “false attraction” because it is keeping you in this pattern – and it is doing so simply because it is FAMILIAR and for no other reason.

    A great way to reframe the feeling is to recognize that it is a fear response instead of an excitement response. What we mean is that when you feel this old feeling of attraction towards a man, that it is your subconscious’ way of saying to you “Run away! Danger ahead!”

    Fear and excitement are experienced exactly the same in your body (shortness of breath, increased heart rate, sweaty palms, etc.), the difference is in what you are saying to yourself about the experience (your inner dialog).

    Imagine you are standing in line for a roller coaster. You could be thinking, “Oh my God! What am I doing! I’ve got to get out of this line!” or you could be thinking, “This is going to be awesome!” Either way your physical experience will be the same.

    From now on, when you feel that old feeling of attraction you can think to yourself “Run away! Heartbreak ahead!”

    When you are in a healthy relationship, you will feel differently. You will feel attracted to the person, but it will not be that old uncontrollable feeling. Love is a grounding feeling, not one that knocks you off balance. Many people have described it as feeling curious and comfortable at the same time (we know that is how it was for us). However you experience it, know that it will not make you feel unbalanced or out of control. It certainly won’t have the same uncontrollable energy of your past addiction.

    Now, let’s talk about this current situation. No matter how close you are as a friend and how much that voice inside tells you it may be different this time, this man is unavailable. You said it yourself; he is in a relationship with another woman. No matter how much he expresses a desire to get out, he isn’t available to you. Therefore, you shouldn’t waste another minute wondering what might be or what could be.

    One of the best ways to break an old way of being is to do something different than what you’ve been doing. Take a different action. You’ve probably heard the old saying that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. That voice inside that is trying to rationalize why this guy will be different than the rest is insane. Ignore it; tell it to go away, this voice inside you is now condemned from giving you this continued bad advice.

    Here’s what to do instead, cut off all contact with him. Here’s your script:
    “Because of the attraction we have for one another (or) the attraction I feel for you, I feel it is in my best interest to not continue on with our friendship. I truly wish the best for you, and more importantly I wish the best for myself. You are with someone and I am not. This is really difficult for me to take good care of myself in this way, so please honor my request not to contact me.”

    Don’t answer his calls, his texts or his emails. He is now off limits to you. If he gets more persistent, honestly, that tells you the kind of person he is and would be as a partner. Do you want to be with someone who honors and respects your requests? Or would you prefer to get involved in the same situation where you end up heartbroken by some guy who pursued you until he caught you… and then moved on?

    Remember, this is the most loving and healthy thing you can do for yourself. Now, set up a weekly practice of going on Inner Child Dates. You can find the instructions on how to do this Here.

    The Inner Child Dates will be the beginning of a practice of self-love. You feel this addiction to unavailable men because your inner child is trying to heal herself through these relationships. This is not a good strategy. You need to be the one to heal yourself. By taking care of your inner child (and therefore yourself) you will begin to learn what self-love feels like.

    As you raise the level at which you value yourself, you will begin to attract more quality men who are actually available to you.

    Please keep us posted on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna and Matthew

    Would you like to share this newsletter? All we ask is that you forward it or cut and paste it in its entirety. If you’d like to reprint the article, simply be sure to include Orna and Matthew’s bio.

    Orna and Matthew Recommend
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    We are here to support you on your path to love!

    Love and Abundance,
    Orna and Matthew
    Orna and Matthew Walters are Master Relationship Coaches and the founders of the Love On Purpose Revolution a global online event dedicated to busting the myth that love is supposed to happen by accident.

    Each struggled with love relationships for the majority of their adult lives; individually mastered self-love, allowing them to come together to form a True Soul Partnership. Orna and Matthew work with clients all over the globe utilizing the tools of transformation. They are dedicated to spreading the message that having love is an inside job and that it’s never too late to find the love of your life.

    John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has this to say about Orna and Matthew:
    “Orna and Matthew are the perfect example of love and a loving couple. They walk the talk and live their lives showing others how to do the same.”

    Orna and Matthew have inspired and guided thousands of Singles through the journey of self-love to bringing in their Beloved. They also work with Couples supporting them in creating connection rather than separation, and harmony between their personal and professional lives.

    Their break through coaching program, The Science of Creating Love, is the only course in the world that allows you to identify and change your own personal Love Imprint, removing blocks to love so you can love yourself and others more deeply



  278.  #278Syreena on June 27, 2013 at 4:40 am

    Milleand Elsie yes I now believe it is an addiction and not good for us.



  279.  #279Dominique on June 27, 2013 at 5:37 am

    S – 275 – How about this – “E – I’m feeling confused. On the one hand i feel attracted and happy when i see you and on the other hand i feel scared. And this makes me feel sad and angry and i don’t want to feel sad and angry with you. i have tried to be friends with you because i like being with you, but now i realize that i feel much more romantically for you than as friends, and this feels too painful. What do you think? (or Can you help me with this?)”

    xxoo



  280.  #280Zia on June 27, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Started reading Matthew Hussey’s book “Get the Guy”. Have heard good things about it!



  281.  #281Zia on June 27, 2013 at 5:41 am

    It has already started helping me put my last relationship into perspective. arrrrgh again, i know we shouldn’t beat ourselves up but WHYYYYYY must we learn things the hard way!!!!! 😉



  282.  #282BeLoved on June 27, 2013 at 5:58 am

    He’s Not My Business

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/hes-not-my-business/

    Halloween has always been one of my favorite – perhaps my actual favorite – holidays. I just find it such a combination of fun, scary, pretend, meaningful, going outside your comfort zone, parties that don’t have family significance, neighborhood, childhood, being a mom with a flashlight, candy I can’t eat but can collect and touch, carnivals, dress up, touching my inner “stranger.”

    This is one of my traditional Halloween essays…let’s make this Halloween about taking off the masks…

    Some days, it’s always Halloween.

    It seems so much easier to stay hidden behind a mask. If I’m feeling grumpy, or ugly, or awkward or nervous, or really, really angry, or really, really embarrassed, I’d like to keep it to myself.

    No one wants to see that, not even me. I’m much too strong for that, much too organized, smart, capable and high on the consciousness scale to go there, into Ickyfeelingsland. I’ll keep it to myself.

    And the playing pieces — the red and blue wooden ones and the plastic houses and fake money all just keeping jumping around inside me in their own little world. Little do I know you can all see the action anyway.

    If I’m angry, you can see it. If I’m upset, you can feel it. If I put a big smile on my face but you can actually feel my anger, yeah, you may think I’m a wondrously complex human being — but our relationship will suffer.

    Carol Pearson, in her book The Hero Within, says “Being ladylike or gentlemanly and denying one’s anger simply results in the unconscious sabotage of relationships. Expressing one’s anger is transformative because it allows for a true and open, honest relationship. It makes way, therefore, for love.”

    We have so many reasons for not expressing our feelings openly and in the moment: It’s not appropriate. I’m wrong about it. What I’m feeling is so childish. I’ve done much too much work on myself to be feeling like this. They all boil down to fear.

    Fear of retribution — He’ll get mad at me. Fear of what will happen — He’ll leave me. Fear of what he’ll think of us — He already thinks I’m a drama queen, now he’ll think I’m needy.

    Yep, we don’t know what’ll happen. The risks, however, of speaking our feelings in bits and pieces and in words men can hear are minuscule compared to the risks of not speaking our feelings.

    When we stuff them in, hold them down, try to refashion them through affirmations or being “our best selves,” we may think we’re being successful at it, but sooner or later one or all of three things will happen:

    One, the pressure and energy will build up until it explodes and you come out swinging, screaming, crying, attacking, throwing things, slamming doors, pleading, apologizing, cowering, melting down, folding up, giving up and giving in. A relationship in which this goes on all the time is not fun for anybody in it.

    Two, the pressure and energy will be ignored and allowed to build up until it explodes inside you and you get depressed or sick. A relationship in which this happens may seem safe, because everyone here avoids real connection and real love, but it doesn’t feel very good.

    Three, you are able to hold in, cover up, and transform the pressure and energy until you become locked into a personality and state of being that is not your own. Everything may seem okay here until you get a glimpse that you’re living someone else’s life – and the way back to yourself seems overwhelming.

    In Rori Raye terms, Saying how you feel in the moment is taking care of yourself and your relationships in the best way possible. Every time you say only “I feel disconnected,” or “I feel sad,” or “I feel soooo goood!” and then let your man come up with the next sentence, you are creating alchemy. Magic happens inside your body. The energy that’s been built up trying to keep the feeling hidden suddenly is released.

    Both the feeling and the energy fighting it suddenly start flowing thorough you and become a part of you. It’s like reclaiming lost energy. Like reclaiming lost bits of ourselves. Like turning hay into gold.

    The more we reclaim, the more we change and grow. We become new people – chemically. Our relationships are the culture, the medium in which we can grow ourselves. Staying frozen in the patterns of behavior we’ve known since childhood, even if our thinking and philosophies have changed and expanded, is still staying frozen.

    Devoting our lives to constantly tracking, guessing, analyzing, measuring, trying to change what’s going on in our men’s minds, hearts and bodies is a sad waste of our considerable, wonderful energies. Making him our project is us dismissing who we are — as if who we are is helplessly linked to who he is.

    How much more fun and satisfying it would be to like what we like and just simply not like what we don’t like. To love ourselves for who we are — even if we’re not quite sure at any given moment who that is — Halloween mask and all.

    It takes courage to risk what we know to have what we don’t know. It takes faith to risk what we’re comfortable with to have what we yearn for. It takes a new belief to trust the person in front of you with your heart, little by little, until you both see that both of you are worthy.

    Stand up for yourself. Be for yourself. Be for love. Receive love. Accept or reject what is in front of you. Tolerate nothing.

    Love, Rori



  283.  #283s. on June 27, 2013 at 6:16 am

    thank you Dominique! I don’t know if to go on and tell him how i feel and apologize for my attitude, is a way to surrender my stance and let him know what i feel or is a way to explain to him why i behaved as i did so that he knows that i still do like him.Do you think it is necessary to speak now? Or should i first stop doing what irritates him (which i already stop doing it), flirt with him and be open to him? I mean can i surrender my stance and get results without having the feeling talk?



  284.  #284Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 6:23 am

    “It’s hard to understand why he wants to do all of this for me, but doesn’t want to be with me.”

    Turquoise I feel like bumping against a brick wall when I read this. What keeps coming to mind is “it’s his house. Most people try to keep up the value of their homes so they tend do maintenance. Even to the point of upgrading its value. His girls are there and most men have bonded with their kids and have it wired in their DNA to take care of their own.

    Your words come across like you might be thinking that he is doing it because of love. Or like you are not worthy. Or maybe even like there is some hidden hope or expectation. Like you are taking it personal. Like your are laser focussed on him trying to figure out what is going on in his head.

    All I am saying is shine a light on your insides to see what might be going on there why your mind would want to put energy onto figuring out what is going on in his head. Hope is a very powerful motivating emotion.



  285.  #285prplpsn28 on June 27, 2013 at 6:32 am

    Anxiety level is high right now. Day 3 of no contact with H. I’m not even sure if he’s back from Florida yet or not. He never told me when he would be back when I asked. Things were really good before he left. Now I’m feeling really sad and disconected from him. He doesn’t seem at all worried about how I’m doing considering the health issue I’m dealing with right now. And I guess this is especially difficult for me right now cuz my birthday is tomorrow. Last year he planned something special for it. What if he totally blows it off this year? I really don’t know what to do. If that happens I will be extremely hurt. I don’t have any idea what’s going on with him right now. I feel him pulling away and I’m not sure why. Last year when he was in Florida for the same reason he kept in touch every day. Let me know how his daughters volleyball tournament went each day and let me know when he was getn on the plane to come home and let me know when he was home. Now…nothing. Feeling really hurt.



  286.  #286Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 6:49 am

    ((((((((((prplpsn28))))))))))))))

    Now that I am reading the book Attached I can feel more empathy for anxious people, including myself.

    I encourage you to try and focus your attention though to what about the health issue that you are anxious about. What are you believing and telling yourself? Also what you can do to prioritize yourself and make your birthday special for you? How can you make peace with aging and your mortality?

    IF things were great prior to his departure I believe I would reach out if I were you. The only drawback though is that it would be loaded with expectations. Expecting him to soothe your anxiety. Expecting him to ask you what you want to do for your birthday. Expecting moral support around the health issue.

    Many men are afraid of getting it wrong with the birthday issue



  287.  #287Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Living my yoga today:

    Other people are not the problem…

    As long as I believe that others are the source of my suffering, I will continue to suffer. Others may be the stimulus for my suffering but they are never the cause. My thoughts are the cause. Today, remember that others are not the problem whenever you can, and it will soften your day.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  288.  #288Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 6:52 am

    prplpsn28: I was going to say the same thing FW said: IF things were great prior to his departure I believe I would reach out if I were you.

    I would use a simple “I miss you. Are you back yet?”

    big hugs from me…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  289.  #289Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 6:54 am

    I’ve been seeing a lot about the book “Attached” on here. Who’s the author?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  290.  #290Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Amir Levine



  291.  #291Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Thank you FW!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  292.  #292Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 7:07 am

    So…which book is everyone talking about? I find two by the same author:

    “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love”

    and

    “Attached: Create Your Perfect Relationship with the Help of the Three Attachment Styles.”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  293.  #293Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 7:10 am

    I am reading “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love”

    I didn’t realize there was another one.



  294.  #294Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 7:11 am

    It seems like Nelson Mandela died



  295.  #295Mercedes on June 27, 2013 at 7:18 am

    FW: I found two of them on Amazon so was curious. Was hoping to do the “look inside this book” thing but neither have that option.

    oh well…

    And yes…I heard that about Nelson Mandela too.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  296.  #296Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Seems like a false alarm. They apparently took him off support



  297.  #297Wildgeranium on June 27, 2013 at 7:41 am

    “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love”

    This is the one….



  298.  #298Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Mercedes: I read this: “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love”



  299.  #299Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 7:50 am

    @prplprsn: I’m so sorry you are going through this – I can totally feel and understand your pain. I have someone who is doing the same thing to me. I have no words of advice because I’m sort of all over the place right now with my situation.

    Does he know its your birthday tomorrow???? I mean, is he a guy that would forget that?



  300.  #300prplpsn28 on June 27, 2013 at 7:59 am

    @ Elsie – I’m sure he knows. He actually planned something special for it last year for just him and I before he left for Florida and then went out to dinner with my family and I for it after he got back from Florida. (This is a trip he does every year at the same time for his daughters volleyball club). This year he didn’t plan anything before he left. And our family dinner will be 2moro evening. But I haven’t heard from him. So I guess he won’t be included. 🙁



  301.  #301Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 8:02 am

    “I have someone who is doing the same thing to me”

    Elsie just about every coach I know of would identify you rushing for the victim position here. Everyone I follow have written or spoken about this.

    No one is doing anything to you or to prplpsn28.



  302.  #302Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 8:02 am

    prlplpsn: Ugh. How gut wrenching. I can literally FEEL your pain. I would be a mess (well, I am a mess, and for the same reason…..) I can just feel how gutted you are. I dont know what to do.

    How long have you been going out wiht him? I’m sorry I cant remember.

    If this is the FIRST time he hasnt texted you in that amount of time, then I think its ok to text, because you know – hopefully he is ok and nothing bad happened.

    If he planned something huge last year, then you guys have been going out a while, and he knows that you would want to do something with him for your birthday. Do you think he will surprise you with something?



  303.  #303Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 8:05 am

    “he knows that you would want to do something with him”

    This is yelling “mind reader” to me. Is he a mind reader?



  304.  #304Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 8:08 am

    I work with people from other cultures and I find it interesting how they bring in cake and invite people to celebrate with them rather than expecting people to do something. For me it is no big deal so I enjoy if someone does for me. If they don’t I continue living.

    I have to admit that I wonder at times why we believe that people “should”…………. This is a choice they make. Are they “allowed” to choose otherwise?

    Expectation is real bitch.



  305.  #305Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 8:08 am

    work with people from other cultures and I find it interesting how they bring in cake and invite people to celebrate with them rather than expecting people to do something. For me it is no big deal so I enjoy if someone does for me. If they don’t I continue living.

    I have to admit that I wonder at times why we believe that people “should”…………. This is a choice they make. Are they “allowed” to choose otherwise?

    Expectation is real bia!tch.



  306.  #306Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 8:10 am

    FW – ok I take total issue with that and also because its been brought up – Mercedes says no one can cause you pain. I just fundamentally disagree with this. In the book Attached, that you are reading, it DIRECTLY goes against codependent theory. It indicates that yes, people around us have a GREAT ability to affect us. Think of when you lay next to someone you love. Your heartbeat slows down, you are calm, you feel loved, your PHYSICAL body releases hormones. Etc. Another person does have a DIRECT ability to affect how we feel both emotionally and physically. We can of course choose to leave a situation, but in the process of detaching from them, they are still affecting us and have the ability to do so.

    There is an example in the book Attached where a girl from the Amazing race wanted to hold her boyfriends hand. She was anxious attached. At the finale she started down talking herself and saying – oh, I shouldnt have needed him to hold my hand, I need to do those things for myself and be strong in myself and not need anyone etc.

    I just now agree with the Attached book a LOT. It rings true for me. We are not in a vaccuum. I believe that our experiences are only with and through other people. I am not Buddhist (Its ok if others on here are….) but I strongly disagree that happiness is brought about by detaching yourself from everything. Sure, you dont have anyone hurting you – but you dont have anone loving you either, and that is where happiness I think comes from – loving yourself, AND the love from others.

    Its why creatures … all creatures … seek comfort from others.

    This is just my opinion.

    And yes, someone CAN do something TO you. You can allow it – or not. You can move on – or not. But during those moments, they ARE ACTUALLY doing something TO you. You feel the hurt and the pain. It exists and its real, and postiive affirmations and loving yourself doesnt make it go away when someone hurts you.

    I think to think otherwise is to bring a sense of responsibility and pain that you are unable to just have a switch to switch off the pain that other people cause, which in turn makes you feel even worse.

    I’ve been wanting to say this a long time on here, and I’m having a hard time with a lot of things lately, so please excuse it if it sounds abrubt.

    Feminine Woman – I believe it is your right to believe that – and I know many people on here will echo what you say – and those would be the people that subscribe to the codependent no more books, etc. I subscribe to the attached book and way of thinking. It totally rings true for me.

    Anyway – sorry, that was longer that I thought it would be I guess I had a lot to say…..LOL> 🙂

    Again, we can agree to disagree. 🙂



  307.  #307Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 8:12 am

    W – ok I take total issue with that and also because its been brought up – Mercedes says no one can cause you pain. I just fundamentally disagree with this. In the book Attached, that you are reading, it DIRECTLY goes against codependent theory. It indicates that yes, people around us have a GREAT ability to affect us. Think of when you lay next to someone you love. Your heartbeat slows down, you are calm, you feel loved, your PHYSICAL body releases hormones. Etc. Another person does have a DIRECT ability to affect how we feel both emotionally and physically. We can of course choose to leave a situation, but in the process of detaching from them, they are still affecting us and have the ability to do so.

    There is an example in the book Attached where a girl from the Amazing race wanted to hold her boyfriends hand. She was anxious attached. At the finale she started down talking herself and saying – oh, I shouldnt have needed him to hold my hand, I need to do those things for myself and be strong in myself and not need anyone etc.

    I just now agree with the Attached book a LOT. It rings true for me. We are not in a vaccuum. I believe that our experiences are only with and through other people. I am not Buddist (I’m spelling this wrong on purpose so it doesnt go to moderation) (Its ok if others on here are….) but I strongly disagree that happiness is brought about by detaching yourself from everything. Sure, you dont have anyone hurting you – but you dont have anone loving you either, and that is where happiness I think comes from – loving yourself, AND the love from others.

    Its why creatures … all creatures … seek comfort from others.

    This is just my opinion.

    And yes, someone CAN do something TO you. You can allow it – or not. You can move on – or not. But during those moments, they ARE ACTUALLY doing something TO you. You feel the hurt and the pain. It exists and its real, and postiive affirmations and loving yourself doesnt make it go away when someone hurts you.

    I think to think otherwise is to bring a sense of responsibility and pain that you are unable to just have a switch to switch off the pain that other people cause, which in turn makes you feel even worse.

    I’ve been wanting to say this a long time on here, and I’m having a hard time with a lot of things lately, so please excuse it if it sounds abrubt.

    Feminine Woman – I believe it is your right to believe that – and I know many people on here will echo what you say – and those would be the people that subscribe to the codependent no more books, etc. I subscribe to the attached book and way of thinking. It totally rings true for me.

    Anyway – sorry, that was longer that I thought it would be I guess I had a lot to say…..LOL> 🙂

    Again, we can agree to disagree. 🙂



  308.  #308Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Now I feel guilty because of the tone of my words.

    I apologize if I offend anyone.



  309.  #309Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 8:14 am

    “he knows that you would want to do something with him”

    Yes. I think that isnt a crazy expectation at all. Just like you expect someone not to pee in your living room, etc. LOL. Sorry, just trying to make light of it.

    I think if you are dating a guy for a long time and he has acted a certain way for a while, then you sort of do expect him to act a certain way and continue that.

    Otherwise it would be weird if every day you started out thinking – wow, who is this person next to me…..I wonder if they will dress up like a banana and quit their job and fly to Italy.

    I think some expectations are just REASONABLE. I think thats where the different lines are drawn.

    I think if someone has celebrated your brithday in a big way in the past, knows that you like that, knows your birthday is coming up, knows that YOU will want to spend it with him (which I’m sure he does)…..then I think that is a “normal” expectation.

    Sorry – maybe I’m going against the grain on this one.



  310.  #310Elsie on June 27, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Dont feel guilty – FW – I know I wasnt offended. IN fact, it allowed me to talk and have a discussion about an interesting concept. 🙂



  311.  #311Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Im sorta on the fence about how I think I want to do and how I feel about it, so I wanted to ask others opinions. I don’t know if you remember since I don’t post here much, but my ex-boyfriend (we broke up 4 months ago) keeps asking to hang out but doesn’t follow through with the plans. Sunday is my birthday and I am going away so he texted me early in the week, asked when I was leaving, told me to have a great birthday weekend and lets try to get together when I get back to celebrate. I told him thank you, I was feeling excited to go away. Then I said that I was feeling nervous to say yes to him on hanging out because I have been feeling so excited to hang out and it doesn’t seem to be happening. I told him that I am feeling disappointed and I don’t want to feel that way. I ended it by saying if he really thinks we will hang out, Id love to. He replied back to have a great time and call him when I get back. What are your thoughts on calling him? I am interested in hearing what others would do.

    Thanks ladies 🙂

    P.S. How do you change the icon picture?



  312.  #312prplpsn28 on June 27, 2013 at 8:19 am

    @ Elsie – It will be 2 yrs in september. When I think about it I suppose it is possible I sent a bad vibe his way when I heard from him Monday night. Even tho we were texting and not talking. I was a little disappointed that he started the conversation by talking about the weather and not asking me how I was feeling (cuz of my current health issues). And he never did ask so I let the conversation drift off. I didn’t respond back.

    @ FW – I understand what your saying about noone has “done” anything to us. But that is so how it feels. Like they are being disrespectful to us. It’s hard to not feel that way.



  313.  #313Veronica on June 27, 2013 at 8:20 am

    FW -292 – My heart jumped there for a second, I’m relieved that it’s a false alarm.



  314.  #314Wildgeranium on June 27, 2013 at 8:26 am

    New post is up ladies…



  315.  #315Rori Raye on June 27, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Syreena and all – I can’t post anything complete from any coaches out there, unless I get their permission…and I will let this ONE go, because I believe Orna and Matthew would like it posted here this one time (I can also make it a full post) – They are fantastic and good friends who I refer to all the time. From now on, though, if there’s a web page for a specific post or letter written by anyone please give us just a few quotes and then the link to it…Love, Rori



  316.  #316Dominique on June 27, 2013 at 11:25 am

    s – 283 – Bottom line this is about you and not him. If you feel bad being friends and friends is all he wants, then you tell him something or exactly like what was scripted.

    If you’re still hoping for something with him, then you MUST take this focus off of him fully and completely, and immerse yourself in YOU. What makes s feel good? What turns s on? And I don’t mean sexually though it could include this. How can s best take care of s? Where can s have fun? Who makes s feel good? Who makes her laugh? And so on. What do you love to do? What are you passions? Who are the people you love to be with?

    xxoo



  317.  #317Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Elsie I have not finished reading as yet but I keep getting the impression that the writers make recommendations to anxious people about how they can help themselves and they can adjust their way of being. In other words like you might be anxious now but you don’t have to be forever.

    I somewhat agree with what the writers of the book are saying but not 100%. My view is that if I label someone as “doing something to me” then they are a villain and I am a victim. As Rori says and I believe “there are no villains”. I am not a victim”. I believe in taking 100% responsibility for what happens in my life. I have personal power and I believe in standing firmly in it. Even if someone comes at me with a knife like that guy did in London a few weeks ago to that man it doesn’t mean I have to give my power away. They can only harm my flesh.

    It is our beliefs that literally control our lives. I will not try to convince anyone about what their beliefs should be but I know I now refuse to believe that anyone “does” anything to me. Since I started believing that and acting from that reality I find people and my experiences have shifted.



  318.  #318Dominique on June 27, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Elsie – 307 – Yes I do think others energies can and do affect us. BUT it’s what you do with this in the moment and from then on which is what’s important.

    For example do I feel great and all glowy good when K gets home at night and wraps me close to his heart? I sure do. Do I feel better than prior? Yes I do. Though I felt great before he got home too.

    Do I feel his angst when he feels troubled? Yes I definitely do? Do I allow his energy to pull on me? Pull me down? Make me feel sad/bad/ angry? No I don’t. It can feel a bit challenging sometimes since I’m one of the ultra-sensitives I’ve written about, yet I dig down deeply anyway, find a peaceful spot in there and take care of me, all the while keeping my energy as high as possible. Not only does this keep me feeling mostly good, it helps pull him out of his mood faster.

    Do I feel upset when someone says what seems to be something nasty to me, offensive, etc. I may for a moment, but then I bring things back to me, see if I’m holding onto something unrelated to what’s at hand, or maybe I feel tense, something’s holding within thus exacerbating my feeling response. i.e. I get right to work on me.

    If I discover that it’s not me at all though usually it is, I can remove myself from the situation.

    If this involves someone close to me, and I decide that this behavior was an anomaly (maybe they had something awful happen to them, nothing to do with me, and I happened to be there), as long as it’s not something truly awful, I let it go. If necessary, I express how I feel.

    Patterned behavior might need a heart-to-heart. Though I would still go inside to see why I’m still there.

    xxoo



  319.  #319Millie on June 27, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    @FW 304: <3 Love this



  320.  #320Millie on June 27, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    @Sweetie 311

    I can relate to expressing a feeling message and feeling really good about being honest and then experience the guy just say- ok, just call me- or something to that effect. It can be off putting when the guy seems to not respond to or acknowledge the feeling message at all..
    To me, it feels dismissive. I don’t know why you broke up, but I’m wondering a few things- Are you interested in getting back together with him? Is he interested in getting back with you? If he’s not, why put yourself through the “hang out?”



  321.  #321Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    HI MIllie,

    Thank you for answering me… and yes, it felt dismissive to me too, even though I don’t know if that is how he means it. I think it was his way of acknowledging what I said, but not quite knowing what to say to it. I do want to get back together and sometimes I think he does too, but he is the one who ended it, so I don’t know. He says in contact a lot, sends messages to let me know he is thinking of me without saying he is thinking of me though, etc. But without him coming right out and saying it, Im really don’t know and that is why I am hesitant of “hanging out”.



  322.  #322Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Sweetie to me “asking to hang out” is not plans. I consider hang out as casual and spontaneous.

    Your question reminds me of something I received from Get Your Ex Back. I will look for it.



  323.  #323Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    “”I was thinking about you today and hope you’re
    doing well. Some really weird and interesting
    things have been happening in my life lately. The
    oddest incident was when I…”
    —-

    As you can see that I didn’t finish the message
    and left it incomplete.

    This will make your ex call you, email or text you
    back to know the whole story and this is where it
    gets a little sneaky.

    If they text or email you back, tell them that you
    have something important to say and would like to
    get on the phone…

    To which your ex cannot really refuse since he/she
    is already jumping up and down with curiosity to
    know the rest of the message.

    Once you are on the phone with them…Make small
    conversation and then tell them that you have
    something really important you would like them to
    know…And then hesitate!
    ————————————————–
    “Say…Ummm! Well! I don’t know how to say
    this…But…I guess I shouldn’t tell
    you…But…And then go quite”
    —————————————————

    At this your ex would probably force you…But
    hesitate a bit more & then say…Sorry…I don’t
    think I should tell you…I gotta go! And then
    hang up! That’s it…no more and no less!

    Don’t drag it…Keep it short and hang up.

    Now do you know what you have done?
    Well…surprise surprise!

    Before your ex was just curious but now he/she
    would be burning with a compelling desire to know
    what you really wanted to tell them.”

    It seems like gameplaying to me though



  324.  #324Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    HI Femininewoman,

    thank you for your response, I appreciate you providing me with your opinion. I however, don’t think of hanging out as casual (spontaneous maybe though). I would feel annoyed if I had a friend and they kept saying we should hang out but didn’t go further with it. I would probably tell them the same thing I told him and wait to see what they did. It doesn’t feel good to hang these “make believe” plans or at least to keep hearing them being suggested. It would be one thing if it was my own thoughts, but he keeps saying lets try to hang out without any suggestion from me and it bothers me. Sorry, that was a little rant. However, I do understand how “hang out” can have many different meanings to different people.



  325.  #325Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    also Femininewoman, I am curious to know why my question reminded you of get your ex back? I am not trying to play a game, I am just wondering if someone in my position would call when they got back? I am just being curious as to what someone else would do in the same situation- not even really asking what I should do.



  326.  #326Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    For him, it might be just a polite way to offer you something. To not blow you off. After all you have history together but you are broken up. I am assuming you initiated the break?



  327.  #327Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    He obviously still feel some attraction so he keeps calling. He said to call when you get back but what if you call at an inopportune moment and he can’t talk. As he keeps contacting you, I would gamble he would contact you when you get back. Who knows, maybe depending on what he feels coming from you he might make actual plans.



  328.  #328Turquoise on June 27, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    FW said……Turquoise I feel like bumping against a brick wall when I read this. What keeps coming to mind is “it’s his house. Most people try to keep up the value of their homes so they tend do maintenance. Even to the point of upgrading its value. His girls are there and most men have bonded with their kids and have it wired in their DNA to take care of their own.

    Your words come across like you might be thinking that he is doing it because of love. Or like you are not worthy. Or maybe even like there is some hidden hope or expectation. Like you are taking it personal. Like your are laser focussed on him trying to figure out what is going on in his head.

    And I said…..It makes me a little sad, thinking what could have been…. But grateful we make the best of what we have now. The yard is going to be gorgeous. He’s having a large part of the hill cut out, putting on a deck, a new above ground pool, fencing the yard, sodding the yard, extra landscaping in the front, buying plants…. He even bought me two beautiful planters today.

    It’s hard to understand why he wants to do all of this for me, but doesn’t want to be with me. It’s excellent practice receiving, showing appreciation and still being feminine.

    I’m not sure what here sounds like I’m laser focused or in his head…. I simply shared that it is hard for me to understand why he would do all that he is doing. Yes FW, I do realize that people add and upgrade their homes, they are investments…. and you act like I will forget by always bringing up, that he owns it. I’ve shared that freely, I’m not having any false expectations about that. I don’t even care that it is his house. I’d be paying rent to someone, I’m glad it’s to him because he gives a lot to me and the girls, and someday, they will inherit what he has. I feel perfectly at peace about it.

    The thing is, he doesn’t live here. He rarely gets to enjoy it, and while yes of course he wants the girls to be happy…. this is over $35,000 worth of upgrades, mostly that are much more grand than children would understand or appreciate. Maybe what I don’t share, or that doesn’t get across, is that he is the type of guy who would give to us until it hurts. To use all of his savings, to put some on credit cards and pinch for months, to make all this happen now.

    It’s not just that he’s throwing new mulch down…. he listened to my idea about rock, has gone to three different places, sent me tons of pictures, and is now planning to spend about 4 times the money on this one area because he likes my idea, and I can tell he wants to make me happy. Do I think that is because he loves me? No. But I do think it’s because he wants me to be happy. Do I take that personally? Yes, when people show care and consideration to my wants and feelings… I guess I do. How you got that I feel not worthy…. I’m not seeing. I said it feels a little sad about thinking about what could have been and that it’s hard to understand how he can want to do all this, but not want to be together….. I honestly do, even though it’s his house and kids, wonder why he wants to do all that he does for us. Do I wonder to the point that I’m obsessing? No, not at all. It’s just an unusual situation and if anything, I just feel lucky to be on the receiving end. It could be much worse. I take great care of our girls and I know he sees that. I’m glad.



  329.  #329Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Femininewoman, no actually I didn’t initiate the break up at all…he did.



  330.  #330Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    Well Sweetie I would assume I am doing something right and that he is likely second guessing himself and just continue living my fantastic life. If he wants to see you he will definitely arrange to when you get back. He decided to breakup. If he wants you back let him do the work. Don’t make it easy for him otherwise he will not appreciate your value.



  331.  #331Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Turquoise believe me it is not unusual. Men do those things because it makes them feel good to make a woman happy. You are at least one women in his life that is happy so he must feel like he is winning in life.

    I know of one man who walked away from a home and gave it to his ex because his son still lives there. He is not well off but I have seen him go over there and do work on the house to keep it up. The last time I saw that was around his son’s birthday last year when he was graduating from High School. Men take care of their families. Men want to make women happy.



  332.  #332Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    It is what mature men do.



  333.  #333Femininewoman on June 27, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Men want to serve women. They thrive on it.



  334.  #334Sweetie on June 27, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Thank you Femininewoman @330, I will do just that 😀



  335.  #335Lisa on June 27, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    @331

    You know I agree, I’m really starting to see that.. My ex comes over to help take care of this house b/c of his daughter… and he seems to really like doing it… he could be doing other things… but it is a routine with him…

    I notice that “M” is starting to want to do that too…

    and if I ever get better at scripting, I’ll find a way of expressing my unrest about “M” always making the decisions and pretty much deciding what we do all the time, even when I express my wants and desires…

    This keeps me in a state of confusion. He is wonderful in so many ways, and yet so selfish and controlling in others…

    It is keeping me on the fence all the time… Ugg..

    We are communicating about things… but it also sets him back some.. even though I do try and use feeling messages… and it gets frustrating for me to know that if I was better at the scripting, things might be much better….

    Thanks ! for the post!
    <3



  336.  #336madison on June 27, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    My boyfriend acts like hes all that.But he is not all that.He makes me feel like am a princess.But I dont to feel like a princess.I want to feel like a person.What should i do?



  337.  #337Zia on June 27, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    Dominique 318: So wonderfully written! xo



  338.  #338k2012 on June 27, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    Hi everyone, how are you? Just finish catching up on the blog. Elsie, I hope that your relationship will work out. I am sorry if I made wrong assumptions while I did not know the whole story. Please accept my apologies.



  339.  #339Lisa on June 27, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    I just watched a video and had this huge huge realization!

    I give up my power in relationships with men… to avoid conflict and to avoid rejection. I let “M” have his way all the time, why b/c I don’t want to hear him grumble and complain and act out..

    I also give up my power in a relationship with a man to feel safe… since I was beaten almost to death by my ex husband… and my father never protected me as a young girl… part of me needs to feel safe when I’m with a man..

    I clearly remember getting involved with my daughter’s father ( ex) b/c I felt safe with him.. he was passive… so I knew he would never hit me.. but here is the clincher… he was passive/ aggressive so he did beat me up emotionally… so I gave up my power to him to feel safe…and it ended up being so toxic…

    Here is the hard part… I haven’t figured out yet, how to not use Rori’s tools to give up my power and to not assert myself and how to use the tools to not give in…

    I know, I know that isn’t what she is teaching, but I realized that subconsciously I’ve just been doing the tools as best I can, but still not asserting myself… asking for my needs and standing strong to see if I get them…

    oh dear.. this is getting too confusing to type out…

    “M” thinks that by leading the relationship that means he makes all the decisions (gets his way) .. and he spends the night when he wants to, and doesn’t when he doesn’t.. I always say yes to him except one time when he asks me to stay with him… mostly b/c I feel so starved for it b/c it is so few and far between… last week I ask to spend the night and he said no…. with no explanation at all..

    last weekend when he said we didn’t talk about restaurants did we? I said can we try something new…he said yes.. i told him the restaurant.. as soon as we sat down he wasn’t happy.. he started complaining right away.. so I said we might as well go b/c your going to complain and not be happy… he said yes, I won’t be happy… then later walking down to another restaurant… he said I feel weird now we need to talk.. I said, I’m listening.. he talked and then I didn’t say anything he ask me to speak and say what was on my mind. I said all I’ve heard here is what you want, what you like, and no mention of me and what I like or want. He said I don’t like mexican food, I said it is my favorite…. He said well I would leave a restaurant you didn’t like, I would do that for you… so he took me to my favorite ( very expensive restaurant ) without me asking…

    But there is a pattern here of him complaining when he doesn’t get his way.. or always wanting to do things his way…

    I hear it all the time this is what “I” like..

    anyways… he saved the night by taking me a place I really like, but also, wasn’t where I wanted to eat…

    I just noticed during this video… that I give my power away.. to be loved and feel safe…

    long post I know.. but it was one of those ah ha moments…

    <3



  340.  #340s. on June 28, 2013 at 12:25 am

    Thank you Dominique! your advice is much appreciated! @



  341.  #341Michelle on June 28, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I was dating a co-worker for about 5 months who is about 10 years older than me, divorced with a child.

    Things started very casually as he said before things started with us he wasnt in the right frame for a relationship and has been single for a little bit. As time went on we were basically dating. He introduced me to his kid, we would see eachother a 2-3 times a week and stay over atleast once either a weeknight and/or weekend.

    One night while out he told me I should leave stuff like my toothbrush and underwear at his place and that I may have to help him pick out a new pair of glasses. The following weekend I went away for a bachlorette party and when I came back he ended things with me saying he cant be in a relationship right now and gave me a laundry list of reasons also saying that some of my friends are getting married and when I replied you know I dont want to get married right now he said ok so we date for a year or two then what….

    Work has become pretty awkward he avoids me when he can, I dont talk to him any other time than involving work. What do I do if I still want to date him or how do I get any type of real explanation?



  342.  #342Rori Raye on June 28, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Michelle, Welcome – and you need to Circular Date NOW!!! There IS no explanation. Love, Rori



  343.  #343Alysia on July 1, 2013 at 1:48 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in an off and on relationship with a man for quite a long time. I haven’t heard from him in about two year until October of last year just out of the blue ( did not initiate the call.) He knew I was in a desperate financial situation and helped me out for quite some time and our relationship also picked up right where it ended two years before with no problems. At the end of March I had some surgery and he was very upset that I did not ask him to take me, but he always called to see how I was feeling. Then at the end of April the phone calls stopped. I waited 1 full month before calling him and mentioned that it hurt me that I had not heard from him in a month. He said he was very busy with work and he would give me a call the following week. The call never came. So I followed up just to see how he was. Same deal, work was busy and he was very tired and he had become sick with bronchitis and had some personal issues that he had to work out. Now we had always been very close and his is the first time he had ever kept any thing from me. I sent him a card telling him that what ever was going I was would always be there to support him. I left him a message the week before his birthday (crying my eyes out) that I did’t think that he didn’t want to see me any more, that I loved him from the first time I met him, I had always supported him, I never lied to him and had never held anything back from him. I got a call not less than five minutes later asking me what that call what was all about and didn’t I realize that he was still sick! I have been in tears since Thursday of last week. I don’t know what to think of all this.



  344.  #344Carolanne on July 4, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    How can I ask a question?



  345.  #345Carolanne on July 4, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    I’ve been dating a guy for 2 and a half years. tricky with him building a house and me having 3 teenage kids. We live apart. He works away. Things got hard and messy. We are now at a stage where we are going out to dinner to seriously discuss the future. I suggested couples counselling but he refused and suggested we make lists instead. He saw this on a movie. What sort of words would go on my list?????



  346.  #346Rori Raye on July 4, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    Carolanne – Do whatever he asks you to do, and ask him how it’s done…and to help you – go get some coaching for yourself!!! There are great coaches out there – Dominique, Virginia Clark – work from your own side, and you’ll see a difference. Love, Rori



  347.  #347Joy on July 8, 2013 at 1:04 am

    Hello all – I’m new to posting, but would so love to connect with some people who also love Rori’s work, and hear their experiences. I have found it to be tremendously helpful, I recently bought the ebook and I read all the blog posts too.
    I need to reach out because although I practice the tools as much as I can on myself, especially the nasty voice stop & undo exercise, there are times at the moment when I feel like I’m going slightly out of my mind!

    My boyfriend of 18 months broke up with me after an argument about 2 months ago; which wasn’t what I wanted. I would like to have worked it out, but we have had the same argument several times, it always seems to go back to the fact that he is 10 years younger than me (I’m 35) and he felt that I would leave him for someone older and more mature. He has told me since then that he finished with me before I could finish with him, and that he was very insecure about me leaving him. We’ve had quite a lot of nice, non-confrontational contact since we broke up, all of which he has initiated. I would love to see him, but am too shy to suggest it, as last time I saw him he said it was really hard for him to deal with, so I don’t want to push the issue. I am doing my best to get on with life and be positive about everything, but I miss him all the time. I feel so sad and lonely; I know I should get out there and date, but the thought of it just makes me feel sick. I’ve kept as busy as possible with friends, family, social stuff and work instead, which has helped to some degree, but it’s like a piece of my heart is missing, all the time.

    Does anyone else know the feeling? And how did you get through it??

    I would really welcome some wise words.. x

    Joy



  348.  #348Rori Raye on July 8, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Joy – as a woman who’s been deeply involved with a man who was 12 years younger than me (before I met my husband) – I know exactly what you’re going through. It does not matter. Please learn to Circular Date – start slowly and then throw yourself in. If a man “can’t” or “won’t” it simply isn’t worth your while to chase and convince. Love, Rori



  349.  #349Joy on July 8, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Thank you very much Rori, for taking the time to reply.

    Your tools have really helped me in general to lean back, and understand why chasing would push him away and give me the strength not to give in to the urge to do that; and also in dealing calmly and truthfully (with conversation based on more positive expression of feelings, not just anger, hurt etc) with the times he has contacted me, or when I have seen him (which was his idea). They have given me a lot of insight into human behaviour in general as I’ve found the signals from him quite confusing; and helped me offer some useful insights and thoughts to friends and family too.

    Maybe I’ll surprise myself and find a date soon, and hopefully that will help as much too!

    Thank you again 🙂



  350.  #350meg on July 23, 2013 at 4:13 am

    Ok…ive read some of the comments above nd startwled crying… I am in a 3 year relationship with my beat friend of 15+ years…i never lied to him about anything until we got into a huge fight 1 year into our bf/gf relationship. He never EVER got ANYWHERE near that angery before. It became physical and i had to defend myselfto the point of pulling a knife out. He stupidly grabbed the blade and cut himself. If it hadnt of been for him bleeding everywhere and then taking off in my car to his friends house, i dont even want to think about it. I had left him. For one week. I had moved back to my parents and was thinking about why we had fought. It was his fault and he called 4 or 5 times a day for the first few days to apolojise. Thwn my mom got tired of saying that i wasbt there and i started talking to him again. Since then, i am SO SCARED rhat



  351.  #351meg on July 23, 2013 at 4:16 am

    Sorry i hit the publish button on accident… Anyways sincw then im scared to say anything or do anythibg against his way because of this reaction. Now it hasnt



  352.  #352meg on July 23, 2013 at 4:38 am

    Omg!!! Sorry. We havent taken it to that level again because we dont want to or need to. But i have to basically punk out or say ‘ok i give up’ or just sit there and listen hour after hr of why hes mad and what i did to him and what my family did and everything i ever did that pissed him off. I cant respond unless its to say ‘o im sorry and’i understsnd’ & ‘ill try to work on that’. Im sorry but my mom raised me the comlete oposite. Unless i am wrong. Then i accept it,apolojise, make a plan to correct it and fallow thru…ive had alot of personal cousiling but hes the only ine thats been to marriage counsiling and he knows how to make EVERYTHING my fault. I was easedropping on him and his friend talking the other day and he was talking about this guy that had almost outwitted him on a deal they had made on somw rims.. He said ‘… I hate a know-it-all but i love breaking them down to where theyre at a lose for words…’ I AM A VERY SMART PERSON. Not like a genius but well rounded and il like like facts of info that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. I tends to bresk the tention in alo if situations-except with him. They just seem to enrage his fire to be mad.



  353.  #353meg on July 23, 2013 at 4:43 am

    Ok.this is the last time it wil happen.. Hat do i do again getting some of my confidence back? Ive tried doing what i do that makes me happy but he has a way of making the rest of the time s living hell unless time is spent paying attention to him.. Which is most of the time. Help!!!! Please?thanks



  354.  #354Rori Raye on July 23, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    meg – what on earth are you doing with a man who has ANY violent tendencies…and I’m guessing if you “pulled a knife” – you’re not a stranger to that. There are several great women here who are knowledgeable about all kinds of lifestyles and can help you. I, of course would recommend you stay clear of this man until you’ve worked out what it is you want. If you’re scared of a man – then he isn’t for you. Exciting yes, and not “forever” material. Anger is a given in a relationship. Anger is a given in life. If we can’t handle that without “hitting” – then love is out of our league. Love, Rori



  355.  #355Rosmery on August 7, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Good. Morning. Rori
    I read. So many articles and heard so many good things about you. We. Are blessed to have. Someone like u. That help out life’s to get better
    I’m a 40 old women and. I have. A 20 old daughter I’m a. A relation for. Almost 4 years it has been. Very hard. My parter was aggressive and he was adicte to pills.
    He. Has. A trust. Problem. And I also do I love. Him alot and I. Think he loves me
    He. Wants to move back to east coast. And. He wants me to go with him.
    I feel very sad. Living my daughter she is. A good. Girl and we don’t have anyone here
    I told. Him. That. I. Couldn’t go
    He. Has chance. Alot with. Me

    He. Calls me names. And tells me. I’m. Old. And. Saggy
    Also his. Ex lives. There and. They. Keept talking. Behind my back.
    I called. Her. And. She told. Me. That. She. Won’t. Take him back. He abused her. Alot
    I. Need. To. Get back. My self.
    I feel ugly and weak.
    I’m. Very insecure
    Please. Help. Me.
    I want to chance my life.
    For. Better



  356.  #356Rori Raye on August 7, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Rosmery, I’m concerned that you might find this offensive, but I believe education is where it’s at for you. You somehow believe it’s okay to be with an abusive man – as if that’s all you can have. And I don’t know if English is not your first language, or if you’re struggling with the writing – so I’m just going to recommend that you take yourself to school. There are low-cost and free amazing schools and language clinics and business clinics all over the world for women – and this is what you need – some new belief in yourself and your ability to take care of yourself without being involved with a man who is making your life MORE difficult, not better. A man should be making your life better. There is no other reason to be with one. Love, Rori