When To Kiss A Man

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Here’s an easy question about when to kiss a man:

“Rori, I have something to ask, I was wondering when would be the best time to kiss a guy when you are circular dating? When do you think is the time to kiss him? I’ve been stuck on that for a while, and everything makes so much sense.  I just wasn’t sure about that, and I’ve been telling my best friend about it and I was stuck on that particular part.”

My Answer:

I always say to let him kiss you whenever he wants to – even at the end of the first date – if you feel good kissing him…No serious making out – just a goodnight kiss.

It adds to the romance – which is what you want.

You don’t want to leave it as friends and you don’t want to turn him down if he starts to lean in for a kiss.

Let him.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1T-Girl on May 16, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Good morning!

  2.  #2LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Good afternoon! 🙂


  3.  #3ZD on May 16, 2011 at 8:04 am

    hmmm sounds good. After the first kiss, when would b appropriate tho

  4.  #4LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 8:05 am


    “A woman who’ll kiss on the very first date
    Is usually a hussy
    And a woman who’ll kiss on the second time out
    Is anything but fussy
    But a woman who’ll wait till the third time around
    Head in the clouds, feet on the ground
    She’s the girl he’s glad he’s found
    She’s his Shipoopi

    Shipoopi! Shipoopi, Shipoopi
    The girl who’s hard to get!
    Shipoopi. Shipoopi, Shipoopi
    But you can win her yet.”


  5.  #5Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 8:17 am

    I’d never kiss on a first date unless he did it on the check. Just would not feel comfortable.

  6.  #6Lucy on May 16, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I had previously let every man kiss me on the first date bc it was what I thought Rori recommended. But the only first-date kiss I actually felt good and comfortable about was with WH. And now I see in this post Rori says “If you feel good kissing him”… which is the requirement I had recently established for myself anyway.

  7.  #7Tmizz on May 16, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Haha. I just got a message from someone online, proposing a “one-way” open relationship. i.e. I could date other people, but he’d be totally devoted to me.

    I took one look at his profile, and said to myself, “not with this guy.” (too many red flags for me)

    But I was still tickled that he suggested basically an ideal set-up for CD. Law of Attraction, maybe? 😉

  8.  #8Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 8:51 am


    RE: #4 – LOL! Cute!

  9.  #9Lucy on May 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

    FW, I so agree with what you just wrote on the last thread about LD’s situation. (That thread is too long for me to write on now.) I too immediately thought of what happened with Kaitlyn and Adam. Of course D is going to want to appear “cool” and secure instead of jealous and possessive and controlling… so he’s not gonna say “don’t do it.” But he may be hoping that she will decide not to, of her own accord.

  10.  #10JennS on May 16, 2011 at 9:03 am

    I like to wait as well. I think I feel more comfortable not kissing on the first date.. I am usually feeling too closed off at first and cautious.

  11.  #11Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Re 9 Yep Lucy. It could really help him see her in a different light and it could build a bridge, IMHO, for revisiting their exclusivity or moving the relationship to the next level. A make or break moment? I feel I would want to be solid and secure so this invitation would be boring. Maybe I would share with him the thoughts and feelings I have going on around it and share that I want my happily ever after.

  12.  #12Lily T. on May 16, 2011 at 9:15 am

    @#7 TMizz:

    I have to wonder what this guy’s motivation is for setting up such a scenario – any ideas?

  13.  #13Queenbee on May 16, 2011 at 9:55 am

    mmh, yummy! Feel like puckering up 🙂

  14.  #14LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 9:56 am

    8 Brenda
    Glad it made you smile 🙂
    Here’s more lol

    “”No wide-eyed, eager,
    Wholesome innocent Sunday school teacher for me.
    That kinda girl spins webs no spider ever–

    Listen, boy–

    A girl who trades on all that purity
    Merely wants to trade my independence for her security.
    The only affirmative she will file
    Refers to marching down the aisle.

    No golden, glorious, gleaming pristine goddess–

    No sir!

    For no Diana do I play faun.
    I can tell you that right now.

    I snarl, I hiss: How can ignorance be compared to bliss?

    I spark, I fizz for the lady who knows what time it is.

    I cheer, I rave for the virtue I’m too late to save

    The sadder-but-wiser girl for me.

    No bright-eyed, blushing, breathless baby-doll baby
    Not for me.
    That kinda child ties knots no sailor ever knew.

    I prefer to take a chance on a more adult romance.

    No dewy young miss
    Who keeps resisting all the time she keeps insisting!
    No wide-eyed, wholesome innocent female.

    No sir.

    Why, she’s the fisherman, I’m the fish you see?–


    I flinch, I shy, when the lass with the delicate air goes by

    I smile, I grin, when the gal with a touch of sin walks in.

    I hope, and I pray, for a Hester to win just one more “A”

    The sadder-but-wiser girl’s the girl for me.
    The sadder-but-wiser girl for me.””


  15.  #15SummerBaby on May 16, 2011 at 9:59 am


    I don’t remember which post on the last thread you said this… but make sure that the next time your NV calls you a name you finish it this way…

    Take THAT! you NV! that was the first thing that popped up when I read you post and had to share it.

    good luck with your moving… I’m at the unpack stage and it’s still overwhelming.


  16.  #16SummerBaby on May 16, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Loneplum, delightful to see you! so very happy you are back.


  17.  #17Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 10:03 am

    RE 16 Me too. I am holding out hope that Mercedes come back too. I love to read things Loneplum posts.

  18.  #18Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I’m here…nursing a terrible sunburn on my face. I forgot, in my excitement to go riding on motorcycles with boys, to put on my sunscreen. I am now sitting here, my face slathered in aloe gel, smiling about how much fun I had on this CD.

    I was in pretty good vibe, at one point, I was standing in line waiting to use the restroom and a nice looking man walked up and asked me if I was waiting.

    M: Yes, I am
    H: Use the men’s room, I’ll cover for you.
    M: I tried that one time and got my behind chewed.
    H: Your husband didn’t like that?
    M: I’m not married.
    H: You will be. 😉
    M: Yes, I will and winked right back at him.

    Then it was my turn. He left a message with the girl behind me telling me, where in the sea of motorcyles and people, he’d be. It was cute..

    HarleyCD was nice, and a worrier. Two worriers..not a good combination. I would see him again because I am open to practicing on him. When he dropped me off, he reached out to hug me but I wasn’t open to kissing him. Then we stood there talking a bit more and then he reached out and kissed me, just a little one, but with a bit of masculinity behind it. I liked it and it changed my idea of him a bit…for the better.

    I CD’d men all day long yesterday, it was fun and I was happy and it showed. There were a ton of men and the ideal situation for CDing in public. 100’s and 100’s of Harley’s. They were all respectful of my date and respectful towards my date in their discussions with me. One even offered to walk me to the T-shirt store to be sure I was safe and he asked permission of my date.

    Then, this morning, I got an email from another dude who simply said:

    “I want to date and spoil you”.

    I melted, right on the spot.

    This is four now in various stages of CDing..

    I am the yummy pie.


  19.  #19Laughing Goddess on May 16, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Yes! I feel happy to see LP here. Would feel great to hear from Mercedes as well.

  20.  #20Lisa, dating romantic on May 16, 2011 at 10:20 am

    If it’s the first time, wait for him to initiate the first kiss. After that, don’t put a lot of mind into it, act natural.

  21.  #21Laughing Goddess on May 16, 2011 at 10:21 am


    I feel so excited hearing about your day! It sounds so fun!

  22.  #22LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 10:26 am


    To think I first thought it was a movie to watch with little kids
    and the little girl laughing at the song
    And the question “Can I visit the horses?” Freud would have laughed his heart out 🙂


  23.  #23Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Lilybelle that was great reading. I have an interview with a coach who recommends going to things like that with a lot of men to raise your attraction factor. Very adventurous and first time I seeing someone here doing something like that. Mind you I would never in my wildest dreams ride a bike but gosh I felt the wind in my hair just reading your comments. Sorry about the sun burn but it sounds like it might have been worth it. It must be refreshing to guys to be with a girl so adventurous.

  24.  #24LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 10:44 am

    16 Summerbaby

    There you are! I did email you back, I don’t know if you got it?
    Thank you for your nice words, it helped a lot.


  25.  #25Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 10:48 am

    15: Summerbaby..

    I love this:


    I hope this will bring a smile to Brenda’s face with the stress she is under with the move right now.

    It did to mine. Love it!


  26.  #26Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 11:06 am

    21: LG~ SOOO much fun!

    23: FW~ It is so much fun. Such beautiful scenery and because I don’t drive a bike (YET) I get to take it all in. Plus, a girl can still look like a million bucks with all that leather on, feminine even. I wore a blingy HD thermal shirt with jeans and a studded belt. And because my hair is short, it’s great for riding. I wear it all messed up anyway. 😉 One of my favorite things to do is ride on bikes with boys.

    The sunburn…not so much fun..got the chills and all but am still smiling!!

  27.  #27Daria on May 16, 2011 at 11:25 am

    This post was some wonderful advice for me.

    I get shy and blush a lot when I first meet men. It was also really easy for me – habit really – to be just friends with a guy.

    Ever since I’ve started letting them kiss me when they want to I’ve gone to new levels of opening up and attracting them, not to mention self confidence.

    I don’t worry anymore that they will judge me and not be attracted.

    I am there on the date to let the man in as much as I can and be surprised. I am surprised indeed that I can kiss a man that’s not my ‘type’ and start feeling a little attraction.

    Sometimes too I dOnt feel anything right away or notice it but after I will feel closer to him when I think about the kiss. Which is the point, to let him in.

    Without this kissing thing I would have moved most of my dates to friend level.

    It also feels exciting, esp to be kissed by men quickly or men who I am unsure about. It feels a bit scary like I’m being ‘bad’ and that feels fun.

  28.  #28Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am


    The words are adorable! I watched the video, and it is so cheerful! I saw the Music Man Musical in high school. Haven’t thot of it for years! Thanks for brightening my day!

  29.  #29Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 11:33 am


    About when to kiss a man…

    I see your point, and I agree that it adds to the romance. The reason I very rarely feel comfortable kissing on a first date is because I like our love and attraction to grow. To kiss a virtual stranger is so empty to me, when love isn’t really there. All it is to me at that stage is physical stimulation.

    When I kissed Ryan, I was so heavily attracted to him that I felt it immediately in my Yoni! It was the only time that kissing alone was on the verge of taking me to an orgasm! And I would have, too, if he hadn’t stopped!

    So my conclusion is that the sexual tension builds when things are almost there, but not quite!

    My new CD, Mr. Bite, who was bit by my dogs, talked with me a half hour yesterday. I thot it was funny as he discussed the Bible that he brought up a verse about greeting each other with a holy kiss! ;-P

    I said with tongue-in-cheek, “I wouldn’t mind if YOU gave me a holy kiss!”

    But he didn’t get it at all. He didn’t even laugh. He just kept on his line of reasoning.

    BTW, the hospital shouldn’t have given him stitches, just a butterfly bandage. His hand because swollen and they had to increase his antibiotics and remove the stitches. I feel bad. He is being so nice about it!

  30.  #30Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 11:34 am

    I made up with Kenny this morning, after Jim’s advice to be easy on him. Jim reminded me that we are both under a lot of pressure. And, I feel good about it.

  31.  #31Boomer on May 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    “We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.” – Eduardo Galeano

    Sounds like my weekend! (Much) wine and kisses 🙂

  32.  #32Boomer on May 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Oh! oh! I love this quote from JoLo…so on-the-money!

    “If you kiss on the first date and it’s not right, then there will be no second date. Sometimes it’s better to hold out and not kiss for a long time. I am a strong believer in kissing being very intimate, and the minute you kiss, the floodgates open for everything else.” – Jennifer Lopez

  33.  #33Daria on May 16, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Open my floodgates and keep them open says I. Heart gates open to the world. Babysteps.

  34.  #34LonePlum on May 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    17 FW

    Tank you. Here, catch the ball back 🙂

    I agree totally with your comments about ministerCD and LD.
    I would not know what to do, though.

    I am not sure it is the same as Adam and the guy in Paris
    Kaitlyn showed to Adam that every time she’d be short of money she’d go off with a man for sex, it is very different.
    Adam probably thought that she and himself are going to be short of money a few years before each their art sells well and make big money. He felt afraid to see her leaving for money every so often.
    If Kaitlyn had gone to Paris for fun, or out of loneliness, or need to be taken care of, or need to see an ex date a last time, Adam could have thought, “well if I take care of her and if I make her feel safe that I love her, she won’t go any more”. Same situation as anyone else here. You drop circular dating when you feel safe with one man. Adams would have had space to think “If I claim her, she won’t go anymore”.
    But she insisted to say it was for money. Adams has no way to make her feel safe about money, so there was nothing he could do to feel sure it would not happen regularly if he married her for example and if they needed extra money for their children. The marriage card was useless to make her stop, in his mind.

    The other thing is that she proved to him she does not believe in her talent, she does not wait to make money out of her talent, she takes short cuts.
    Adam can’t take short cuts, he needs to believe in his talent to keep hope and to work hard on his project or whatever he is doing.
    Kaitlyn short cuts to get fast money is a way to say “I don’t belong to your world, we are different. I am not talented and not gifted and I will never find a job either. I think I will end up sleeping in the corner of a street behind a broken old super market trolley if I don’t bank in fast money right now. I have no other choice but to date men for money”
    That’s not the state of mind of the Kaitlyn he was dating. He must have been surprised and felt his lover died and a new stranger was speaking to him. He must have mourned her.
    Adam does not give a damn about her past, he was attracted to her personality NOW. When he met her, she was working, like him, speaking of projects, like him, she belonged to his world of hope they will someday make it.
    They shared the same mentality.
    And, all of a sudden she switches to somebody else, who is negative, who does not think she can work out financial problems other than with sex. She drops everything to make fast money in a way he can not make. She stepped out of his world.
    It is possible that Kaitlyn’s choice made life too dark for Adam, he felt her fear for the future and her lack of trust in her talent, and he can’t deal with it, he needs somebody who shares with him the hope and trust that they will make it through their work and talent. Somebody who shares with him hope for the future, not fear.

    There is nothing similar in the case of ministerCd.
    If LD meets him, it does not say she has changed personality or world.
    D will still see her as belonging to his world, he will still love who she is.
    It won’t send him the message she lost hope in her ability to fight in life.
    It won’t mean anything about her.
    It won’t mean she is having sex with him either, she is meeting to speak. It happens she speaks to many other men during the day and D knows that, I am sure.
    She does not want it as a date, they are not planning anything fun! She is doing a favor to a man who wants to see her after she told him she is done dating him.
    D might get upset and step back wondering why she meets an ex date if she is exclusive with him, he might think she does not like him anymore and he might stay away a few days, wondering.
    And he might understand he has not spoken marriage and she is free to SPEAK to whomever and she will always be, even if she marries him. Only if she was married she would probably not feel like doing the favor to this man or she would meet him with her husband.
    And he might think it is time to claim her.
    Opposed to Adams case, D has the cards to make sure she does not meet a man again: the marriage card. She is not meeting the ex date for money but because she is free. All it takes it to marry her

    Or he might be unfair to himself and decide that she should have not meet the ex date and he might break up.
    That’s interesting. I wonder if I want to keep a man who would break up because I met an ex date for a coffee, not for fun, not for any activity, just for a chat face to face after I told him I am done with him. I wonder if I would keep a man who expects me to not speak to any man when he has not planned a marriage with me.
    On the other hand I agreed to exclusivity, so I don’t know what I would do

    Where I agree about the similarities between both cases is: Don’t believe a man who tells you: “Whatever you chose to do, it is your choice.” referring to another man.
    They know they can’t ask us to do anything, they got to let us free to chose as we wish. But they will feel and react according to our choices. And sometimes leave.


  35.  #35Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    “I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.” Chico Marx


  36.  #36Leo on May 16, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Hi Ladies!

    Hope you are all doing fine!

    I just felt like giving a little report on my progress….

    This last week was great one for me. I was taking care of myself big time and giving my man the chance to step up. My fear was how the weekend would be going to be when I am with him. I was afraid that I would be too leany-forward.

    But…. I did a great job. I didnt go to him as often to…get a kiss…to get a hug…
    But even more so… he came to me…leaned in to kiss me. He was even playing around and cute about it. Not just “a kiss and done and gone”.
    One situation i really liked… On Sunday we came home from doing sports in a park. I felt like taking a shower so I went for it. He offered to prepare everything so that when I feel like starting to fix dinner, everything would be set.
    So i took a shower and then put lotion on. I just took care of myself. At one point he was just sitting there and looking at me. He smiled at me…soo cute and in love. 😀
    And when I had fixed dinner, he leaned in to me, told me that he loves me, he really loves me, and gave me a big kiss.

    We didnt have sex that weekend which kinda made me feel sad. But it was okay for me. There was some loss of connection lately, and with this past weekend we were able to work on that big time.
    He was so cute when saying good bye to me. And when I got home to my place, he send me a text, saying how much he misses me. And another where he went on talking about how much fun this weekend was and how much he loves doing sport with me, and so on.
    I feel so good and appreciated. But…I will not get lost in thoughts about him. Tomorrow I will go biking with a friend, wednesday go shopping and to the Sauna, Thursday see a friend for its her birthday.

    (He just texted me saying “i’ll just quickly brush my teeth and do you then wanna give me a call?”

    I feel so great right now. And I recall so many situations during the weekend where i acted differently this time…
    I feel so awesome!
    And I will keep up with the good work!

    (Feel so happy right now)


  37.  #37Daria on May 16, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Sigh. Feel sad to read so much of not ‘getting’ Roris advice here.

    I get you Rori! I thank you for this very direct instruction. You are right!

    A kiss is a way to open up. Why not? No real reason holds up when I investigate it honestly.

    It comes back to imposed beliefs about chastity, about what it ‘means’. When all it means is kissing!

    It can mean a little or a lot!

    It can grow!

    But it starts growing freely when there is kissing.

    It opens up my heart – and it’s safe and loving to have it Open.

    Kissing will not bond me as strongly as sex…

    And I know sex for the experience of sex is wonderful too, if I can ride and swim in my hormones.

    Rori I love you. I love your work and how transformative and magically truthful it is.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    You are my blessing. Sometimes I wonder how I was so blessed to find you . I must have been looking, I must have done ‘something.

    Or maybe it cones to all of u’s? The transformation?

    I feel a bit sobby. I want to share this new way of being with everyone.


    I want to share the love and freedom and holiness and innocence of sexuality, of openheartedness.

    I want all women to know that they will not lose, a man, respect, or love… By opening up sexually, and opening their hearts. That it feels good… And that it can feel good in more ways than we allow when we blame shame and judge ourselves.

    And when I’m focused on me… On my happy on my well… I can easily tell it feels good.

    The shy look after a first kiss is butterflies enough. It is nit empty – till it pulls up some trigger of past heartbreak that comes up to heal.

    The everyday is not empty or boring or not good enough.

    The sweetness that I can share a kiss w a man I just met… Is the pudding of love in the world.


    I feel sad on blog Rori, I feel unwanted and I feel afraid

    Afraid of being judged that I want everyone to do things my way – because I say reading of doing other things feels bad.

    It Does feel bad Rori!

    Where am I judging myself as wanting people to do things my way.., I’m not sure… I guess I think of me that way… Pushy.

    And I feel sad, I don’t want to anymore.


    Trust and believe that the resisting will be transcended by everyone as they unravel their house of cards. They may not pull the bottom card down.

    I don’t want to pull my bottom card down, I feel too scared!!!

    I’m scared I’m scared!

    So glad for Babysteps.

    So glad for goddeses and bodies and imagination and love.

    If I am not pushy, that means I have bern labeled and bought it. I was a victim! But I don’t want to, I feel ashamed. Ashamed to not be strong enough to let stuff happen to me.

    Ashamed that I feel anger at those teachers who I loved.

    Betrayal and all too much to handle and

    I feel angry now so very angry and

    I can attack and instead I’ll feel it huh?

    They are jealous of me!

    Their own nvs!

    I am admired! I am blessed!

    I am missing a piece of oppression they have experienced,

    And I am holding open the door.

    I can be brilliant!

    My stomach turns.

    It’s ok to be brilliant.

    We are All brilliant, and I already know I am.

    It feels scary!

    It feels exhilarating!

    This sadness this pain this feeling alone!

    This tiredness this slump this feeling bummed this disappointment.

    The lil yellow fairy stepping out the dead skin.

    Burying the dead skin and a forest grows fed by her.

    Letting my heart and mind catch up.

    That I am safe.

    I am resting by the crystal creek. Beautiful multicolored fairies want to play w me.

    Feeling out the last of my grief, and I feel spent in need of rest.

    What if my heart is growing in joy?

    What if it’s ok to rest.

    My mother the earth rocks me.

    The last of my fear trembles my lil golden body.

    I give Muself permission to forgive, to be curious, to love.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Loneplum I always like your assessments. I also agree with some of what you have said but let’s see what LD decides. I particularly like the part about belonging to his world of hope.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Loneplum you refer to him not speaking marriage. I believe that at times guys will speak it to keep stringing you along. Or they later change their minds. Some speak marriage and still disappear for a while. They speak marriage maybe because that is what they know you want. Are you suggesting that when a guy speaks marriage before the ring or anything else shows up we should be more careful about CDating?

    The connundrum I sense in this situation is the agreement for exclusivity. It seems like going against the commitment/agreement. I believe in honoring agreements. Lucy I believed shared a story of breaking an agreement to go with someone else in the past. In my mind she changed the agreement which made it different. This case has an exclusivity agreement. Though you did state that she is not going for a date.

  40.  #40Laughing Goddess on May 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    I feel so inspired to learn more about ritual drumming and goddesses related to drumming.

    I feel so much joy when I drum.

    I want to go deeper into it.

  41.  #41Daria on May 16, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    The teleclass WAS recorded, it’s absolutely divinely excellent and I’ll be shari g it soon!


    Soo juiced!

  42.  #42SummerBaby on May 16, 2011 at 3:17 pm


    so happy for you with your cd-ing over the weekend. You deserve to have fun fun fun.


  43.  #43FlowerChild77 on May 16, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, but I find that when I’m thinking that a man is “not my type” and that, “Nah–I wouldn’t want to kiss him”—that REALLY what is talking to me is the fear of what other people would think–my girlfriends, my grown children, the people at church, etc. (This, of course, is different than if it were a man I already know I dislike or don’t respect for whatever reason.)

    I think, in the past, I’ve always worried about how who I was with made ME look…what “they” would think..instead of keeping the focus on how *I* felt. Ugh…hindsight…

    I’m really making a point of reminding myself about what Rori says—that we should pay attention to how we feel when we are with a man–how we feel about ourselves in his presence. (Falling in love with ourselves in his presence vs. falling “for the man.”) Falling “for the man” usually (mostly) meant there wasn’t very much room in the picture for ME or what I needed—it always ended up being all about him. Talk about a slow-learner! (I’m 51!) :-p

    The whole idea of ‘opening ourselves up’ makes such a huge difference in the attraction department. For too many years I had walls up without even realizing it. I thought I could only be attracted to a ‘certain type’ of guy—which pretty much slammed the door on opportunity, in general.

    I am sure I missed out on some really good men by keeping such a narrow idea of what I thought I had to have to feel attracted and turned on.

    I remember a counselor telling me once to just “forget about sex” when first meeting men. I thought she just didn’t “get me” to say such a thing. How could I just “forget about sex” when I meet a man?

    For years I didn’t listen to that advice. But she turned out to be absolutely right…I wish I’d been open enough to trust what she was telling me. Even years after I knew, that for me, instant attraction always spells d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r, I still believed I could only feel attracted to _______ (fill-in-the-blank.)

    Anyway…I’m just thinking out loud…not trying to give advice or comment on how anyone else feels or does things…just sharing what I’m thinking as I read this part of the blog.

    In some ways I’m doing really well and in other ways I need some help. Yesterday I attended the eight (yes—8th) funeral since last Thanksgiving. Two of them were family members or people I was close to. Yesterday was a very close family friend. He and his wife and family were/are closer to me than my own parents. It was rough.

    It seems as soon as I start to snap out of the sadness and feel like I can start moving on—someone else dies. There is the obvious sadness, the loss, the grieving–but then that brings to mind that I’m still alone and fear growing old all alone, etc.

    I know my vibe is low right now and not doing me any good. I meditate every day and try to reach for that “better feeling thought” (Abraham Hicks) but I’m just kind of “stuck” in this quicksand of sadness.

    I do feel the feelings in my body–and fall to the floor, as Rori talks about, in order to fully feel the feelings. And that works for the time being. I feel better for awhile—but it doesn’t last. It’s starting to scare me how heavy it feels and how much energy it’s taking from me.

    It’s still quite chilly here (39 wind chill and 16mph winds) but I’m going to bundle up and go for a walk. It can’t hurt. Maybe it’ll juggle some endorphins around in my brain.

    What do you other Sirens do when you find yourself heavy with sadness and grief? I’m thinking of getting Rori’s ‘Heart Connection Toolkit’ but I can’t afford it right now. Any other suggestions?

    I read here nearly every day–sometimes if I miss a day or two it’s hard to catch up–but I try to keep up with each of you and where you’re at. I have tremendous respect for all of you. It might not seem like it now, but finding Rori’s work and reading what all of you post on here has been the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. 🙂

    So, what are your favorite ways to boost your vibe? Especially any suggestions that work quickly…I feel like I’m sinking and need a life line.


  44.  #44tinque on May 16, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    FlowerChild77 – You’ve got so much going on in your life, so much sadness, a heavy weight for anyone. I wouldn’t imagine you could feel much better right now.

    Be with this sadness. Love it. Embrace it even though it hurts. You can still do things to help ease the hurt, whatever it is that helps you whether it be loving on yourself via baths, spa treatments, or engaging in hobbies you love or being with friends and family who fill you up.

    This is a rough time. And it’s okay. You will be okay. Be patient. Be gentle with yourself.


  45.  #45Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm


    Tinque’s right here. The only way through the pain is to feel the pain and nuture and love yourself along side it.

    I do that in the ways Tinque describes, mani’s/pedis, long relaxing warm baths, allowing myself to sleep a bit more. Things that I don’t have time to do every day but that bring me great pleasure..


  46.  #46tinque on May 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Hey Lilybelly, How’s the face?


  47.  #47FlowerChild77 on May 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Thank you, Tinque. Thank you for encouraging me to feel this and be really OK about where I am with it.

  48.  #48shelha on May 16, 2011 at 5:02 pm


  49.  #49VivaVirgo on May 16, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    I’m just dumbstruck, after reading this blog post! Seriously? When to let a man kiss you? I’ve been following the blog for a while and thought we were all about “empowering the female”. So, this complete reversal of a woman giving up control is confounding. When to let a man kiss you? I think the question should be, “When you you want to kiss the man?” And, whenever and for whatever reason – it should be something YOU want to do. Not something, you let happen to you.

  50.  #50Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 5:34 pm


    Tinque, it’s gorjus and a lovely shade of red. If I wore red clothing, it would clash. lol!! 🙂

    I’m keeping it slathered up and moisturized well. The aloe feels great.


  51.  #51tinque on May 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Lilybelly – Oh dear. Have you sought out any of the creams? If nothing else please keep it very well moisturized. Aloe is soothing and healing, but it is drying too.


  52.  #52Lilybelle on May 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    It’s better than it was this morning, Tinque. Tonight, I will put a thick slathering of moisturizer on it..

    It’ll look better in the morning, I bet!



  53.  #53FlowerChild77 on May 16, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Oh, Lilybelle I didn’t see your post. Thank you. I hope your sunburn is feeling better. I think ibuprofen can help with the inflammation and pain, too.

    I’m going to take a nice warm baking soda bath (makes the water silky for shaving) and do some ‘girlie’ things for myself. I’m hoping it’ll help me fall asleep.

    Sometimes I’m so sad I can’t sleep. The walk felt good. I should start doing that every day. Baby steps…

  54.  #54Femininewoman on May 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    FlowerChild I sense you as a gentle warm heart. It is good having you here and reading about your journey. Hopefully you will find your way out of this cycle but I can tell you life is worth it.

  55.  #55Lisi on May 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Well, when I want to be kissed, I stand a little too close and look: eyes, lips, eyes lips.

    It pretty much works every time.

    HELLO ALL!!!!

    I’m still CD-ing, and looking forward to the end of this godawful long, overbooked school year. Of course, now that my daughter is in youth circus, our whole summer is pretty much booked with that, but, we’ll see.

    I’ve put another ad on Craigslist, essentially using EMK’s advice from the soulmate summit.

    It’s pulling pretty well, and I’m pleased with it.

    We’ll see what happens next….


  56.  #56LD on May 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Thanks everyone for the comments on my situation. Every one of them made me go “hmmmm” Here are a couple of comments I thought of as I was reading them:

    *D is very, very open about how he feels and thinks about pretty much everything and I honestly believe he’d say so if it bothered him about ministerCD. I certainly don’t see him as the kind of man who would test me or play any kind of games or even try to play it cool if he’s not.

    *I didn’t casually agree to be exclusive with D because he wants to put me in the girlfriend trap or because I wanted a boyfriend. I told him from the beginning what I was looking for and he HAS put marriage, living together or anything I want whenever I’m ready for it on the table. He’s given me a key to his house and basically said he’s opening his house, his heart and his life to me and it’s there for whenever I feel comfortable moving forward. I feel completely relaxed because I can move as fast or slow as I feel good about. He is all about making sure I feel comfortable with the pace. At this point he lives about 60 miles from me and he spends every weekend here and comes once or twice during the week as well. it’s about logistics with his job and my kids and what’s going to be happening with my job right now and not about either of us having doubts about the relationship. I feel pretty certain either he will end up moving here, me there or we will find a place halfway to be together in the near future.

    *One of my best friends was a one time blind date from 6 years ago. A great guy who thinks I’m a great girl but we mutually agreed years ago that we weren’t what the other was looking for relationship wise. I value his friendship deeply, and neither of us has ever crossed the line of friendship. I keep thinking that if I had met ministerCD in a different way that he and I would’ve probably become friends and not dated at all. I could see him being a valued friend, even though he never really stepped up relationship wise and probably wouldn’t have been long term dating material for me even if I hadn’t become exclusive with D. I just don’t know if it’s really possible for us to just be friends now after 3 months of dating and nearly becoming sexually involved. I don’t want to be naive about his intentions either. He has been calling a lot more since he’s been planning to come here this week on vacation than he ever did when we were dating and I feel confused about why he would call more now than when we were dating. I feel torn between being overly naive and overly suspicious.

  57.  #57Elizabeth on May 16, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    812: JennS says: (from previous post thread)

    “Elizabeth- thank you.”

    You’re welcome, Jenn 🙂

    “Glad you feel good about your good humor man! :)”

    I really do! I am glad that I am creating a new habit to be more open to nice guys and give them a chance. After all, I want to spend my time with a partner who loves me as much as I love myself, yes.
    We will meet next week after he gets back from out of town. So we shall see. One of his profile answers says he doesn’t have to sleep together before marrying someone! and he isn’t religious. Either that means he’s not all that interested in sex, or has physical problems, or he would be respectful of a woman who wanted to wait. Not that i am that woman, but, in my book, if that is the case, then that is really cool that he says that. He’s another one who is younger than me.

    “Funny, as an addition to the last post.. the night went on and I was of course thinking and thinking.. hmmm.. I wished he would text or call .. you know.. just cuz.. well he did. Right as I was falling asleepp.. I get a thank you text.. I was confused and I said well not sure why you are thanking me , but you are welcome.. So.. I can put a hundred different meanings to it.. but the best is that I just felt good as I fell asleep and clearly I did, or was being a certain way that merited thanking…Interesting right?”

    That is very* interesting!! Perhaps he was grateful for your easy, breezy, light heart attitude. And you definitely should feel good about that and how you carried yourself! My only caution, and I’m going to repeat someone’s words from the last thread, i’m sorry i don’t remember who wrote them, but, if you have any hope at all about re-kindling things, maybe keep in mind: “he isn’t going to change until he recognizes his behavior as a problem and decides to change.” Remembering this is exactly what keeps me happy that he stays away from me, because I love myself too much to continue accepting things the way they were, and would rather be without him than compromise myself for the sugar part. Of course, I heard from him yesterday. did not feel wooed or impressed. totally uncreative. don’t even know why he bothered. 😉


  58.  #58Lily T. on May 16, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Hi LD.

    Well you know ministerCD and we don’t – I just find it odd that a month ago you writing he was acting like a “horny teenager” and you were annoyed. Then D stepped up and you chose him. Then you wrote once you told ministerCD you had made that choice, HE started stepping up in a way he hadn’t when you were dating. Now…he’s blowing up your phone trying to demand your time and attention under the guise of being “just friends”.

    It’s up to you whether you want to give him that time and attention- for any reason- but you shouldn’t feel obligated to, ya know? In your place, I’d be reveling in my new love and wishing ministerCD all the best in finding the same happiness with someone else. 🙂

  59.  #59Elizabeth on May 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    56 LD

    “*D is very, very open about how he feels and thinks about pretty much everything and I honestly believe he’d say so if it bothered him about ministerCD. I certainly don’t see him as the kind of man who would test me or play any kind of games or even try to play it cool if he’s not.”

    Yes, and why would you make a strategy around that even if it were true that he might be testing you, even unknowingly. Especially since he said he wanted you to be comfortable with the pace in which you accepted commitment, in whatever form you choose. To me, your guy D seems like a very smart man. He reminds me of the husband of a colleague friend of mine. When they got together, and he knew she was the one for him, but she hadn’t been dating all that much for quite a while, he told her to please go out and date whoever she wanted so that she was sure she wanted to be with him. She was already sure she wanted to be with him, but very much appreciated being given the freedom to do that.


  60.  #60Elizabeth on May 16, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    I realize that you agreed to exclusivity with D, and you have dated a lot before this. I am just saying that I think D trusts you to do whatever you think you need to do for yourself, even if it includes exploring a friendship with ministerman.

    I feel a little concerned about the sexual part, though.

    I can totally get why you feel both overly naive and overly suspicious about his current constant attention and maybe wondering about the ground rules for this friendship.

    Can you trust your own feelings and boundaries interacting with him? and go on that?


  61.  #61Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 7:22 pm


    RE: #15 – “Bren-DUHLICIOUS!”

    LOL! Love it! Thanks!

    A friend came over and we got three hours of packing in! I called about some more apartments and got more friends from my church lined up to help move and pack.

    Thankfully, things are starting to move!


  62.  #62Brenda on May 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    I got SO much done today! At the advice of two of my friends, I wrote and delivered a “Rental Statement” to my landlady, stating the truth and letting them know I will not tolerate being bullied and intimidated into leaving before the end of May – It is illegal to force me and impossible to do.

    I called some more apartments for rent, and a friend came over and helped me pack for 3 hours! We got an amazing amount done! There are now tall stacks of boxes lining my living room!

    Now I am winding down, sore and tired.


  63.  #63JennS on May 16, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    yes.. well said.. re: being cautious about the fact that he can’t change anything until his issues change and he changes them.. I know it’s important.
    I feel very peaceful tonight.. went for a drive by the beach… and just spoke to god.. or universe…
    I feel strong and the sting of the situation is much less. I am of course wondering what will happen next.. but I do know that I am in a great space now.. and loving myself to know that whatever comes down the pike.. I will be OK. I miss him.. and it is so hard to find someone whom I am attracted to on all levels and especially physically.. I am one of those girls where even a slight weird toe .. or scent.. or finger.. lol could turn me off. I found everything about him sexy and yummy.. so I just keep telling myself that I am special and a special man will find me!!! 🙂
    Until next time..

  64.  #64LD on May 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Thanks again everyone for pointing more things out for me to consider in making my decision.

    I’ve decided that right now my commitment with D is new and I really don’t want to test it when although it would be nice to be able to be friends with ministerCD, it’s not a priority. I don’t NEED to be friends with him. My hesitation is my guide. While I trust my own boundaries, I’m not sure I trust his intentions, and it doesn’t feel good to put myself in a situation that may make me or D feel uncomfortable. If it’s in the cards for us to be friends down the road, then I’m sure my gut will tell me when that’s OK.

    Like LilyT said, I shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with him just because he happens to be spending the week in my town and assures me his intentions are innocent.

    And like Elizabeth said, I already know D is the one I want to be with, but I appreciate him giving me the freedom to decide for myself if I want to be friends with a man I dated and almost had sex with. Not every man would be so understanding. I feel grateful to have such an amazing man in my life.

  65.  #65ZD on May 16, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    I guess what I’m really asking is this. After the first kiss, because ive dated a guy for months before we kissed. We had sex 9 months into our little dating spree. But now he’s like i like kissing too much. I’m a Taurus i thrive on attention and affection and i think he feeds off of this and deliberately denies it or gives it sparingly. It annoys me. I did find that when i told him about it, that i just dont feel it 4 him without the affection and all the kisses we did make out the next night. Was i wrong for telling him that? Should I have just waited around for him 2 kiss me again?

  66.  #66kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 12:26 am

    Just saying hi. I’ve been totally freakin’ busy. And my bff and I have a better understanding now thanks to you Sirens and Lurker.

  67.  #67Lisa on May 17, 2011 at 12:56 am

    I am supposed to have a date this weekend with a guy who seems nice. I feell bad as I Cd’d with 2 other guys today and fear the date this weekend “knows” somehow that I am doing that and won’t show up. Fear I am sure. Go away negative thoughts. Think it through with positive thoughts. I am looking forward to the date. A second one wants to see me, too and so we are going to plan a time, too. I feel weird as I said yes to getting in a car with him but not he Cd this weekend. I think I want to tell the second Cd I want to meet, as well. Plus we need to video chate since we met online I want to see his face to verify who he is. I am excited that some dates are finally happening. 🙂

  68.  #68Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:01 am

    Yay kaitlyn, I feel happy to hear that.

  69.  #69The Lurker on May 17, 2011 at 2:27 am

    #66 Wow, Kaitlyn! That’s good news! So glad for you. Be busy now, girl, focus on your documentary. This sounds like an exciting project, would love to see the finished movie one day!

  70.  #70Daria on May 17, 2011 at 2:47 am

    Feeling good.

    Flowerchild I can really relate. There is a man who speaks so well of me but I feel afraid to open up because nvs cone up of what people would think. And it’s ok. I am receiving all I can.

    Even now, I had been so praised by him and my of friend the past few hours, my nvs were coming up w scenarios of them saying bad things about me – because it wasn’t used to feeling so peaceful.

    It feels a bit scary. Like what now. A but confusing. A bit lonely as mh mind goes to the familiar paths of: I don’t have what I want I won’t have what I want.

    And Im getting what I want.

    I love me and my mind. Babysteps to okaying as I go Up the ladder.

    I am proud of me today, for sharing my truth, beautifying my environment, feeling good.

  71.  #71Daria on May 17, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Thank you Daria for getting me lemon water.

    Thank you for getting me hydrangea root tincture.

    Thank you for ribbing st joans on my blister.

    Thank you for dressing me nicely.

    Thank you for eating yummy food.

    Thank you for giving me lysene tablets.

    Thank you for taking me to DUI class.

    Thank you for speaking my truth.

    Thank you for doing EFT.

    Thank you for dressing me warm when I felt cold.

    Thank you for cleaning up my environment.

    Thank you for warming up my food.

    Thank you for washing me.

    Thank you for getting me in bed.

    Thank you for brushing my teeth.

    Thank you for brushing my hair.

    Thank you for taking me to hang w people that it feels good to be around.

    Thank you for reading from the interesting book.

    Thank you for listening and sharing my teleseminar.

    Thank you for saying no.

  72.  #72SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 4:08 am


    love that quote @ 35 of “whispering in her mouth”.

    hope you’re recovering from your burn.


  73.  #73Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 6:23 am

    72: SB~

    Isn’t that cute? I need to put that on my FB. 😉

    I am doing better this morning, thank you!!!


  74.  #74Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 6:24 am


    I love kissing and will kiss a man when it feels right. No hard and fast rules for me.

  75.  #75Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Kaitlyn, I’m so jazzed to see positive energy coming from your corner of the world. Just remember that you have friends–albeit some you’ve never met–but you have friends here!


  76.  #76Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Regarding kissing–I did something this weekend I have not done in very long time: I just kissed a man for hours. Just kissing. No groping. No rush to complete the mission, so to speak. We kissed a little, then talked about where were are emotionally and with regard to going beyond kissing (“My heart and my body are package deal”), and he agreed…and so we just kissed. It was amazing.

    I have no plan or agenda whatsoever. He lives pretty far away. We both have kids and busy schedules and travel for work. But that’s OK. We agreed to just let it unfold. Feels right.

  77.  #77Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Lurker I am wondering what you think?

    How do you feel about the word “tease?”


    Here are a few examples:

    “My co-workers gossip so much about everyone! Sometimes I feel so naked in the office!”

    “I love my cousins, but sometimes they’re too nosy. I feel naked every time they ask about my private life.”

    “Ever had those dreams when you’re walking around town naked?”

    For instance, when you meet a guy who seems a little too prim-and-proper to be true, try saying something like, “Nice shirt. I wonder how it would look on the
    Make no mistake — teasing is a easy, powerful way to make that emotional connection with a guy.

  78.  #78Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 7:00 am

    There are NO “tricks,” plain and simple. But here are some simple things you can do that will make a huge difference in your love life – a PLAN you can have::

    1.Create a full and rich life for yourself, complete with all the things you love to do:

    >>Maybe a job that really inspires you.

    >>Activities which turn you on, eg. dance such as ballet, jazz, hip hop, salsa, belly or Indian; martial arts, music or singing, art such as painting, drawing, pottery, sculpture, or something else; reading; writing; journaling; gardening, and anything else you might dream up.

    >>Friends with whom you socialize or phone and
    or e-mail chat

    >>A way of expressing yourself with authenticity in ways others can hear, without blame or recrimination.

    In other words, DO NOT suppress, repress your feelings. And DO NOT you the word “you” when you
    speak about YOU and how YOU feel. UNLESS something really good-feeling happened – for example- “It felt SO good when YOU kissed me like that!”

    2.When a man woos you, LEAN BACK (as Rori Raye
    says). Let him do the work. Let him plan the dates, call you, work to be with you. Let him “row the boat.”

    3.Let him see your wide open, loving heart. You do this by checking in with your heart and keeping it open as much and as often as possible, especially if your man has come close, taken you in his arms, embraced you, made love to you

    Here’s what you can do when he DOES come close
    to you to let him feel your heart:

    >>MELT into him.

    >>Feel your love wafting out of you as much as you can, even when you feel upset or angry. Feel these feelings in love, with love.

    4.When you can be YOU, deeply in your body FEELING, BEING and not your head THINKING, analyzing, when you can love and embrace yourself
    completely, self-perceived faults and all, when you can be warm and loving yet fiercely authentically YOU – you will be irresistibly attractive to men, your man, your “The One” forever and always.

    To get more free help – with step-by-step Tools that will change things dramatically for you –

    just get Rori Raye’s free newsletters right here:


  79.  #79LD on May 17, 2011 at 7:38 am


    I think the melting into him is the most important thing you wrote. D told me after one of the first times he kissed me that he’d never had a woman “sink into his kisses” quite like I did and that it just blew him away.

    I started doing that with CDs after Summerbaby told me to just stop thinking and be in the present moment. It made all of the difference in the world in enjoying my dates rather than viewing them as a job or chore.

    Oh, and as far as the post goes, I let every man who wanted to kiss me goodnight do so. As long as they understood what I was looking for and respected my no sex boundary and knew it was just a kiss, they could kiss me goodnight if they wanted to. My girlfriends called me the “kissing bandit” for awhile because I was dating so much an kissing so many men but not having sex with anyone.

    Rori is right, it adds to the romance. No matter how low my vibe got sometimes, I always felt confident that I could find a man to kiss me if I needed to be kissed.

    And Boomer gets it. Sometimes the timing is off, the long term compatibility may not be there, the relationship we want may not even seem like it’s on the horizon and casual sex may not be the right thing for us. But sometimes a woman just needs to be kissed…

  80.  #80Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 8:10 am

    79: LD~

    You are a Siren-y Rock Star. D is a lucky man.


  81.  #81tinque on May 17, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I wrote that….#78….:)


  82.  #82LD on May 17, 2011 at 8:23 am


    great advice!

  83.  #83LD on May 17, 2011 at 8:25 am


    Trust me, I still have my low vibe days. I just recognize them for what they are now.

    Yes, D is lucky but so am I. He’s amazing and I feel grateful…

  84.  #84Laughing Goddess on May 17, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I feeling very sensitive today.

    I feel a lot of pent up emotions within myself. I feel challenged to keep up with how quickly life is moving.

    I wonder if eft would help release some the of emotion that feels trapped within me?

    Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. I love my sensitivity.

    Ok, that shifted things a bit.

    I feel angry. I love my anger.
    I feel pissed. I love my pissed.
    I feel trusting.
    Rejection is gods protection.
    Can I feel safe with this perceived rejection?
    What if it is for the best?!?
    It probably is because everything is working out for me.
    The universe is lining up just the right people in my path.
    I attract the right people for me.
    Oooh, that feels good.
    What if it’s not possible to be rejected?
    What if it’s just about attracting people who are good for me and I naturally repel people who aren’t.
    That feels better.
    What if I could feel excited about this perceived rejection.
    What if it’s actually the perfect thing for me because it leaves space for the right people to come in.
    I want friends who are solid and conscious.
    Rejection is god’s protection.
    This feels good.
    Thank you universe for saving me from a close call.
    I feel trusting.
    I feel happy.
    I feel safe.
    I feel worthy.
    I feel good about this.

  85.  #85kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 8:30 am

    How can I MELT into a guy via email?

    Adam wrote me this morning: “Hey honey, happy birthday. Love, A.”

    I feel 5 million miles in the sky elated (not to mention surprised)! What should my response be?

  86.  #86Laughing Goddess on May 17, 2011 at 8:39 am

    I feel better already!
    I feel so empowered by lifting myself up when I feel down.
    It feels like the opposite of abandoning myself.
    My little girl feels soothed.

    I feel smiley.

    I don’t have to take on other people’s stuff.
    That feels freeing.
    I just have to deal with my relationship with myself and my perception of the world.
    LG, I think you are doing awesome!
    I see what goes on inside your head and heart and I feel so proud of you.
    I know how important it is to you to be fair and honoring of other people.
    Thank you universe for keeping me safe.
    Thank you for the mirrors and messages that I get through my relationships with other people.
    LG, thank you for being open.

    Thank you for the messages.
    Thank you for believing in me.
    Thank you for soothes my frazzled emotions.
    Thank you for protecting me from energy that doesn’t serve me.
    It’s a win/win situation.

    I actually feel relieved by this perceived rejection.
    Thank you for blocking me from connecting with this person.
    I can now see how overall it is better for me.

    Thank you!

    I feel so grateful for the people I do have in my life who see me and care about me.

  87.  #87Laughing Goddess on May 17, 2011 at 8:42 am


    Maybe something like…

    I feel so happy to hear from you!

  88.  #88Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 8:46 am

    “And Boomer gets it.”

    Thanks, LD! Haha! I’m not always so sure about that, but I think I feel good about my approach in this regard!

  89.  #89SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 8:48 am


    That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you. If it were me, I would say, “Thank you. Hearing from you feels so wonderful, it’s the best present ever!” I might even add, “what I wouldn’t give for a do-over.”

    Because I imagine that’s how you feel. Maybe the other sirens see it differently, but that’s what I would say.


  90.  #90SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 8:49 am

    OH Yeah! and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Kaitlyn!

  91.  #91Laughing Goddess on May 17, 2011 at 8:50 am

    And that other situation that happened last night…
    I feel worried and scared.
    I love my worry and fear.
    I feel happy that we were able to talk and understand each other’s perspectives.
    This lingering stress could probably be released with eft.

    I feel thankful for my friendship with her.
    I feel thankful for our communication with each other.
    I actually feel a lot of love for her.
    I am getting better and better at handling stressful situations without being completely thrown off more horse.

    I feel proud of myself for not holding a grudge.
    It feels great to be open.
    I love the people I attract into my life.

  92.  #92Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Yes, Kaitlyn, glorious, happy, wonderful birthday to you!!!

    How very cool that Adam wished you a happy day. I’m with LG – a simply, FM reply like that with a “thank you” thrown in.

  93.  #93SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I just got some scary, scary news and I can’t stop shaking.

    Tinque, where can I find more of your “I wrote that” ? Do I need to subscribe to something, because I like what you write.


    shaking like a leaf…

  94.  #94Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 8:53 am

    LG, I love this:

    “What if it’s not possible to be rejected?
    What if it’s just about attracting people who are good for me and I naturally repel people who aren’t.
    That feels better.
    What if I could feel excited about this perceived rejection.
    What if it’s actually the perfect thing for me because it leaves space for the right people to come in.”

    I am going to say this to myself today. Thank you!

  95.  #95Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Summerbaby, deep breath. Come talk about it if/when you can.

  96.  #96SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 8:57 am


    my shaking like a leaf news and your newsletters/writing have nothing to do with each other… I’m just kinda paralyzed with fear at the moment and totally scattered. sorry if I confused anyone.

    think I might get ill here.


  97.  #97SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Boomer, I’m being sued… it scares me. Why am I so afraid? How does it make me a bad person? I’m terrified. My insurance company hired an attorney and he called me and just the phone call made me shake, shake, shake.

    I was the cause of a bad accident. Shit, now i’m crying.


  98.  #98tinque on May 17, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Summerbaby – So sorry. Yes you feel bad and scared. I would feel more worried if you didn’t feel this way.

    I’ll see if I can find that piece for you. Maybe FW has the rest of it at hand.


  99.  #99tinque on May 17, 2011 at 9:17 am

    Beautiful birthday wishes to kaitlyn. Happy, Happy!!!


  100.  #100tinque on May 17, 2011 at 9:22 am

    found it. there’s only a bit more from the beginning.

    How To Attract a Man
    Do you want to know the key to attracting a man, maybe your “the one”?
    It’s not in how you dress. It’s not in how big or small you are. It’s not in the size of your breasts or your hips. It’s not how pretty you are. It’s not how sexy you are. It’s not how young or old you are. It’s not how smart you are.
    Though any and all of these may factor in, it’s not at all in the way you might think. These things are simply icing on already yummy good cake.
    The three key things you need to attract a man are these:
    1. It’s in how real you are, how true you are to YOU, how AUTHENTIC you are.
    2. It’s in your energy, how open and vulnerable you allow yourself to be.
    3. It’s in how much you love YOU, for how else can another love you if you don’t love you.


  101.  #101kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Just popped on here again after cutting some pineapple for brekky. Thank you Tinque and everyone for the birthday wishes. I don’t like saying bday. It sounds like bidet. I’m soaking in the suggestions as to responses to Adam. Accepting more suggestions. And SummerBaby, I hope it all works out for you.

  102.  #102Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 9:47 am

    kaitlyn best wishes to you as you celebrate.

  103.  #103Brenda on May 17, 2011 at 9:50 am


    Happy Birthday! Think of all the things you have to be thankful for! Love you! Brenda

  104.  #104SummerBaby on May 17, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Thanks Kaitlyn.

    Thanks Tinque.

    I have physical pain in the right side of my chest just thinking about this. Weird that it’s connected. I remember the shaking I felt when it happened more than 3 years ago. I remember the fear and feeling ashamed, as though I’d done it on purpose, when I know that I didn’t. It’s all rising up into my throat and then I start crying all over again.

    If I have to drive in heavy traffic, I get all tense again, just like this. I get afraid. I want to curl in a ball and hide.

    I have an interview in 10 minutes. I’m a wreck!


  105.  #105Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 9:54 am

    kaitlyn I think that is a sign that Adam is actually thinking about you. Or maybe he marked his calendar. Whatever it is for me it is proof that the attraction is still there. I wouldn’t gush all over him but would express how elated I am to hear from him and maybe share some how passionate I am enjoying my project or something else or how busy my life is.

  106.  #106kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Brenda, thank you and I read your story on the last blog post. Inspiring indeed. Thank you, FW.

  107.  #107Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Summerbaby EFT tapping. You can even doing it the interview using your fingetips. You are not a wrect.

  108.  #108Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 9:59 am

    kaitlyn I cut and paste below some things from Loneplum’s assessment in 34 of the situation with Adam. I am wondering if you could use something from it to inspire your response to his wishes?

    “he needs somebody who shares with him the hope and trust that they will make it through their work and talent. Somebody who shares with him hope for the future, not fear. When he met her, she was working, like him, speaking of projects, like him, she belonged to his world of hope they will someday make it.
    They shared the same mentality.”

  109.  #109tinque on May 17, 2011 at 9:59 am

    kaitlyn – what summerbaby wrote is lovely and appropriate,

    “Thank you. Hearing from you feels so wonderful, it’s the best present ever!” I might even add, “what I wouldn’t give for a do-over.”

    Though I don’t know about the do-over line. How about, “I miss you…”


  110.  #110Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:08 am

    RE 97 Summerbaby I was not there but my mind questions “I am the cause”. An accident is just that.

  111.  #111Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Summerbaby…wow. I’m so sorry you are reliving the time of the accident. The tapping on your fingertips that FW suggests may really help to keep you in your body and out of your head during your interview. Just do it down low where no one can see it! (My date this weekend saw me doing it and was like, “What are you doing?” I just said, “Tapping.” And he dropped it.)

    Ya know, the legal wheels will turn, so let them. Get the advice of your own attorney perhaps, and just take each day as it brings a new development. They call them “accidents” for a reason.

    Sending you warm thoughts for your interview!

  112.  #112kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:15 am

    FW, I’m keeping it in mind if he and I (ok, when. positive thinking, positive thinking) talk again and more in depth.

    Tinque, funny you should suggest that. If I’m thinking more like you, I dig it. I was about to write him:

    ‘Thank you! I feel excited hearing from you. It’s the best birthday present ever.

    Love, K.’

  113.  #113tinque on May 17, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Summerbaby – Wishing you calm for your interview. If you ever want to talk about dealing with driving anxiety due to accidents, you know how to find me. I have far too much experience with this.


  114.  #114Ella on May 17, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Hey Sirens,

    I need to write today and don’t even really know what to say.

    I am really going through it today.

    My housemate asked me out on a date last Thursday. I went, it was good and that night I stayed in his bed at his unvitation (although nothing happened except kissing).

    However he had told me how he needed to take things slow and began explaining the reasons to me. I told him it felt icky to hear him explain and everything seemed ok.

    The next day I was driving to the city for a weekend trip I had planned. I felt a lil weird about the situation cus he had previously told me about a 2nd date he had planned with the other woman he is dating, before I told him I don’t want to hear about other women.

    So obviously I didn’t know if this date was going ahead or not. It did enter my mind a couple of times during the weekend and mostly I was out having fun with my friends.

    He had mentioned casually that when I got back on Sunday I should text him and we would go for a drink and then he would cook, but I didn’t cus I felt weird to do that and hadn’t heard from him all weekend.

    Anyway to cut a long story short when I saw him again things felt different and it became clear he had been on that date.

    Well I felt a little off kilter and decided the only way forward was to focus on me and CD.

    One of my CDs called me up and asked me out for yesterday, so I said yes.

    Meanwhile I think housemate perhaps assumed I would be around… well CD called for me and rather than texting me from outside he rang on doorbell and housemate answered.

    It all felt v weird and uncomfortable.

    I went out on my date and when I got back housemate was sitting in the kitchen with the other woman!

    Waaaaa! Sinking feeling.

    I had been drinking too.

    She left then and it was he and I and all of a sudden he began explaining why it was not a good idea for me and him to have something and being all logical and giving me all the reasons.

    And mostly it was all to do with how he had jumped into last relationship head first and how he has been hurt and is feeling way scared etc…

    I asked him why he felt the need to explain all this and he said words to the effect that it is cus I am ‘wanting’ something from him.

    I said that felt terrible and just kept expressing.

    We talked for ages and I just kept expressing and he began to open up. Then he offered me a hug and we cuddled up on his bed.

    Then I left and went to my own room.

    Cus of the drinking I do not remember clearly every part of conversation.


    Well I decided to lean forward and text him telling him how I felt weird about him feeling the need to explain why we should not have something and that everything is just feeling bad right now.

    We had this long text convo where a lot of stuff was said and I kept expressing and the jist of it is that he is being very cautious to protect his feelings as he feels he made a rash decision with last g,friend (not that I am) and he doesn’t want to do that again and get hurt, and also he is too soon out of a relationship.

    Again me saying it felt weird as I am not trying to ‘get’ anything from him and I do not expect some kind of instant relationship.

    He also said this about the other woman he is seeing ‘We are friends at the moment, she’s been through a lot so we have a great deal in common, I like her and will be seeing her again no doubt’.

    The he said this about me ‘I have feelings for you but I’m unsure if I am the right bloke for you which is how I felt with Mrs ex, but I thought she was being honest when she said she was sure she wanted me and we know how that ended!’.

    Urggghhh… Ick!

    I had to stop for a bit and I really didn’t know what to say but I sure as heck knew I would not be convincing him of anything about me, so in the end I just said something along the lines of I didn’t really know what to say and I have been feeling a lil vulnerable and scared in my life at the moment in general and I feel embarrassed to admit that.

    A few more texts… he said he felt the same.

    Finished ok but ICK ICK ICK!!!!

    I mean WTF.

    I hate this. This is SOOO triggering for me and it setting off all my ‘not good enough’ feelings and tripping my ‘less than’ button and this is like WHAM straight into the worst triggers you can throw at me.

    And my mind is coming with all these thoughts about what does she have that I don’t!! etc etc…

    And this morning I was feeling in bits and now I am determined to work through this for myself and I am feeling SO scared, and so overwhelmed and triggered here.

    I am feeling rejected and questioning myself and what I have done to put this man off me and thinking about all the things I think I may have done wrong and questioning myself for CD-ing etc etc…

    And I need to STOP. And step back and take care of myself.

  115.  #115kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Hmmm. Two of my guy friends say my mes sounds too leany forward/over eager. Suggestions before I write the wrong thing please!

    Ugh cue, you can’t write the wrong thing to the right man? 🙂

  116.  #116Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:25 am

    kaitlyn how are you feeling?

  117.  #117kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:26 am

    FW, excited but cautious and confused.

  118.  #118Ella on May 17, 2011 at 10:28 am

    And when I flip it I know that I am not even sure about this man… never have been 100% sure, and I have been honest, never pretended, just expressed.

    And I don’t want to get caught on this.

    And yet I am feeling pretty awful today.

    I really need to flip it and I was doing ok till suddenly she was in my kitchen and he was explaining stuff about why he thought he and I should stop whatever it is that we have… and yet still wanting me too.

    I need distance.

    I REALLY need to take good, good care of myself.

    And Sirens I have decided it is finally time to address my issue with alcohol. And I know I do have one now.

    And this almost scares me more than anything.

    I just felt panicky this morning that I was all on my own and I am not going to be able to cope and I am going to be lonely and alone and how will I cope if I am not drinking?

    How will I cope with the stress?

    I feel SO SCARED right now.

    And I feel so vulnerable and alone, little insecure and lost!


    I feel so sad and so unable to cope.



    And I am determined to address the drinking as it is not helping me at all, its making eveything worse, and I want to do this for me!

    I REALLY want to do this and I feel so scared.

    And in some ways is/was he a distraction for me from the real issues?

    And yet I felt warm and open to him.

    And he seemed like a good, step up man, however it turns out maybe not so good/step up for me!


    And I feel like I will never find someone to love me and it is hopeless.

    And then I re-read Rori’s story and it helped and I am DETERMINED to flip this for myself and stay with my horse and that I WILL have the relationship I want, even if not with him, and that I WILL feel good.

    I am determined.

    But everything feels so awful right now.

    Horrible. And yet I can feel I still have some strength, although feel am crawling on floor right now.


  119.  #119Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:28 am

    So how about adding that to what you wrote. “I feel weird and confused with the long silence”.

  120.  #120Ella on May 17, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Lily T,

    Thanks for your replies on the other threads and while I see a LOT of sense in your advice to move it is simply not an option for me right now for various reasons that I won’t go into right now, the main one being I don’t want to move out of a place I love and wanted to be, and I don’t want to move again for a man!

    Also thanks so much for caring and that feels good and the other thing that jumped out at me about your reply is that you said you FELT strongly that I should move out.

    And while I appreciate the advice, I wonder if that is actually a feeling or a feeling message. I think it might be advice, which I don’t mind anyway.

    A feeling would be more like ‘I feel alarmed reading about your situation and I feel worried for you’ for example.

    Just my thoughts anyway but I still felt loved reading your posts to me!


  121.  #121kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:32 am

    119 Because I don’t want to bombard him with anything that could make me sound unappreciative he’s reaching out to me.

  122.  #122kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Ella, agreed with Lily T.

  123.  #123Ella on May 17, 2011 at 10:37 am

    And I am making some other major changes in my life too.

    It is time I D8mn well realised I am worth taking out on dates not just casual hook up kinda scenarios, which is also tied in with the drinking.

    So I don’t want any casual hook up type of situations anymore and I want to reject these.

    And I will, and yet I feel so AFRAID to make these changes.

    I feel terrified that I will not be able to cope.

    Urghh, scary. Change is scary!

  124.  #124Ella on May 17, 2011 at 10:38 am


    I don’t want to move. I have moved 6 times in the last year and only just got back out from my parents.

    I really don’t have the energy to move again.

    I need to feel settled, just for a bit.

  125.  #125Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:39 am

    RE 121 So I would write what feels comfortable sharing to me. Second guessing yourself by asking guys and girls will imho just add to your confusion. I would say get clear on what you feel and write that. You originally wrote that you felt elated.

  126.  #126kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Ella, ah. in that case, stay. yikes on all that moving. i don’t know about the uk, but all the searching, credit checks, first/last/deposit crud is worse than the actual packing and unpacking.

  127.  #127Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Ella I believe you have the energy to do anything you want to do to take care of yourself. You sounded very determined earlier on. I have refrained from addressing your story thus far because I have felt uncomfortable with it. I feel afraid for you.

  128.  #128tinque on May 17, 2011 at 10:48 am

    ““I feel weird and confused with the long silence”.”

    I don’t want to contradict you FW, but this doesn’t feel good. It seems pushy and kind of naggy and unnecessary really. What she wrote is great. And I disagree with your guy friends that it’s lean forwardy and eager. It’s honest and real, and he made the first move, so the ball IS in your court.


  129.  #129Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 10:48 am

    85: Kaitlyn~

    I say yippee!!! You want to reply with the thank you, it feels SSOOOOO good to hear from you, without gushing all over him but yet, leaving the door open for more communication.

    I love that he sent you birthday wishes..thats awesome.

    I really like “It feels wonderful to hear from you”. And of course, make sure your vibe is up..although I can see you in the clouds right now. 😉

    Happy, HAPPY birthday, beautiful girl.


  130.  #130kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 10:53 am


    Cool. I like balls.

  131.  #131Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 10:53 am




  132.  #132Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:57 am

    RE 128 tinque that’s fine. I remember seeing maybe Daria sharing something to that effect to say when there has been silence. It was my intention to share just that with someone who has been absent for the last 2 weeks now. I guess I will adjust that too.

  133.  #133Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 10:58 am

    RE 129 I so totally agree because my own experience with men is that so many of them forget birthdays, anniversary etc.

  134.  #134LonePlum on May 17, 2011 at 10:59 am

    115 Kaitlyn

    For Adams:
    “”Thank you for the good wish, dear. It felt energizing in the middle of a work day. I loved it. I hope your winter went well.””

    I feel thrilled that he remembered your birthday.
    Joyeux Anniversaire to you 🙂


  135.  #135Rusty on May 17, 2011 at 11:44 am

    43: FlowerChild77 says:

    I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, but I find that when I’m thinking that a man is “not my type” and that, “Nah–I wouldn’t want to kiss him”—that REALLY what is talking to me is the fear of what other people would think–my girlfriends, my grown children, the people at church, etc. (This, of course, is different than if it were a man I already know I dislike or don’t respect for whatever reason.)

    I think, in the past, I’ve always worried about how who I was with made ME look…what “they” would think..instead of keeping the focus on how *I* felt. Ugh…hindsight…


    Great post Flowerchild.

    I highlighted this part because this is something that always bothered me…a lot, as a young man when I first started dating.

    I often felt that I had to impress her friends, family, etc…when what I really wanted to do was impress her.

    I think a lot of guys know exactly how a trophy wife feels…if they are paying attention.

    It always bothered me very badly and I think t cost me some relationships as a result, but thinking back now, that was probably a good thing.

    I think the reason it bothered me is because I always wanted to know that the woman would always be there. That she would follow me through a wall of fire, that we could survive as a couple through the bad times (through thick and thin/for better for worse, for richer for poorer, etc…)

    I never felt that this was a possibility so long as she was very worried about what her family and friends think. I guess I felt that the person whose opinions and thoughts should matter the most to her are mine and that mine should trump all the others.

    Of course this is in part, why my first marriage didn’t work out.

  136.  #136Rusty on May 17, 2011 at 11:53 am

    123: Ella says:

    And I am making some other major changes in my life too.

    It is time I D8mn well realised I am worth taking out on dates not just casual hook up kinda scenarios, which is also tied in with the drinking.

    So I don’t want any casual hook up type of situations anymore and I want to reject these.

    And I will, and yet I feel so AFRAID to make these changes.

    I feel terrified that I will not be able to cope.

    Urghh, scary. Change is scary!


    Good for you Ella. Trust that, while scarey at first, you will feel much better about yourself and more empowered.

    And as far as the men go…I’ll say something about the professors I have dealt with. If a professor was easy and didn’t require much from the students, he/she didn’t get much. If he/she didn’t have some penalty for not showing up to class on time, people came in at all times, even up to an hour late for an hour and a half class. If they didn’t require homework to be in on time, it often wasn’t turned in on time. Etc…

    Those that did have a penalty for being in class on time, such as locking the door a minute after the time class is supposed to start, had a classroom full of people waiting for her outside of the door when she arrived.

    In other words, people who care will rise to the bar you set. So IMHO what you are going to find is that a better class of men will come into your life and those around you already, that care, will rise to the bar you set for them.

    Good luck to you.

  137.  #137kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    alrighty. yes, i’m so neurotic over this. ‘thank you! it feels great to hear from you. it’s the best birthday present ever. i’d like for you to come to my party on the 19th. love, kaitlyn.’ since he ended his ‘love, a.’ my bff thinks that was a very conscious decision on adam’s part. whatcha y’all think about what i wrote before my nutty a$$ clicks send?

  138.  #138Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm


    Happy Birthday!

    And yeah that is exactly what I mean with all the moving!


  139.  #139Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Well I went and delivered some fliers for my classes… and then taught my Zumba class, and I had 13 people! The most yet. So that is finally something good and gives me some hope that I will be able to support myself.

    I feel pleased about this.

  140.  #140kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    is zumba huge in the uk? it’s big here. though, i’m more of a spin class and weight room girl.

  141.  #141kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    a’s message is in all lowercase which is not the norm for him. should mine be in all lowercase, so it looks less overfunctiony/leany forward?

  142.  #142Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    RE 137 I would say “it would make me happy if you would come to my party on 19th”.

  143.  #143Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    kaitlyn I would be myself and write how I would normally write.

  144.  #144Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:12 pm


    Thanks hon.

    I AM determined to take care of me now. I have reached my limit of abandoning self.

    Yes, I will make a back up plan of what I would do if things became too uncomfortable for me here, even if that meant moving. The thing is I wanted to live here, in this location, and I love the house, love the room and am close to my friends.

    But, if it makes me feel like sh8t, and I need to move, I will in order to look after myself.

    But ideally I want to find a way to let go of this situation, be Rockstar and not care enough so that I can stay.

    I am looking after me and my interests and if I can let go of any attachment to him, then this situation could work out quite well for me.

    Anyway, we’ll see.

    One thing I know is I don’t want to make any rash or hasty moves. I’ve done too much of that in my life.

    I am going to take it day by day. Keep working on me and my life and start hatching a plan B, just in case!

    That feels ok for now.

    Right now I just need to feel a lil settled for a minute and earn some money so that I have options.


  145.  #145Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Yes it is getting really big here too (Zumba)

  146.  #146kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Sent. Uppercase like I usually write. :breathes:

  147.  #147Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Ow, I feel so leaky heart right now.

    I feel like such a fool.

    And I feel so lonely.

    I feel incapable of looking after self well.

    Feel needy and pathetic.

    Ok, feel tired. How do I love and take care of me?


    Just need to type to get some feelings out.

  148.  #148Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    “One thing I know is I don’t want to make any rash or hasty moves. I’ve done too much of that in my life.” Does sound like a pattern that might need to be broken.

    IMHO the initimacy right in front of you seemed to come too easily and I would be concerned about him valuing it in the long run. It just seems he nevefr had to work for it.

  149.  #149Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Just feel so sad/icky.

    Why do I do this to myself?

    When am I going to demand for better? Or ask rather than demand?

    Feel so unsure.


    Booo hooo.

  150.  #150Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    RE 147 Now that you have sent it what comes to mind is that tinque generally comes across as softspoken, at least to me, even in her interview with Rori so I can understand her saying “I miss you”. We aren’t all in that place and I was wondering if you aren’t if it would come across as inauthentic. For me I have noticed that since I started tapping on the anger and sadness I have become softer as if a shift has taken place for me. I no longer want to fight.

  151.  #151Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Yes FW.


    I already feel so rubbish about this.

    I have got things so wrong.

    I was trying to do right and use Rori’s tools and be open.

    And I have been drinking too much and when I drink too much too much intimacy happens too quickly and they don’t value me.

    I feel so confused. I don’t know how to be open AND withhold intimacy.

    I feel so sick at myself, like why do I always do this? I feel veru unvaluable atm.

    Working on it though. I am human and I am ready to address it.

    Feel so vulnerable right now.

  152.  #152Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    If someone exclaims about it I know what I am doing and what I want so it would be easy to let them know what is going on with me. Other people might be more bold which to me is like the Rockstar. For me being the Rockstar would be just relaxing and letting things be as if I don’t care. That for me would be authentic.

    I was concerned that you would write a suggestion from someone and then not able to hold that up in a one on one conversation. I personally perfer being myself and writing like myself even if means being “gullible and naive”.

  153.  #153Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Urghhh, feels terrible, icky.

    I AM valuable.


    I don’t think he doesn’t value me. But yes it happened all wrong.

    Thats ok though, that is life. I am not going to beat myself up about it, just want to learn now.

  154.  #154kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    150 Because I don’t usually come across as soft-spoken, ‘I miss you’ may come across as too leaning forward for now. Though it is authentically how I feel about him.

  155.  #155Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    And think I have come a long way… just learning is hard sometimes.

    Like right now I am going to have to slow down and ‘think’ about everything I do, cus when I go to my default behaviour I get it so wrong.

    I am feeling hella guilty for not getting things right now.

    But need to be gentle with myself.

  156.  #156tinque on May 17, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    It’s totally how you feel kaitlyn…


  157.  #157Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Ella I really don’t think it is you doing it. I also don’t believe in withholding intimacy because it does not have to mean physical intimacy and once I start shutting down I tend to shut down everything.

    I believe taking care of yourself would first mean taking care of the alcohol situation because that causes a diminishing of your faculties. There is no way you can make informed decision when alcohol is in the mix so I would suggest stop blaming yourself and become clear on what is in your power to do about the alcohol.

  158.  #158Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    By the way Ella, you are doing the best you know how so trying is the best you can do.

  159.  #159kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Tinque, thank you. Should I write another mes saying ‘…and I miss you.’ Or should that wait for next time he writes? Btw, I appreciate your input and patience with me. It’s helped me learn a lot from you and feel more comfortable with my feelings.

  160.  #160turquoise3 on May 17, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Kaitlyn, happy birthday!!!! I’m SO happy for you, that you got exactly what you wanted…. a door he opened! 🙂

    I think you wrote the perfect message, and hope he responds. If not today, just wait, I know he will. VERY conscious effort on his part to write love. Plus, I bet he’s been waiting for the perfect opportunity, like a birthday, to get in touch. Yeah!!! 🙂

  161.  #161turquoise3 on May 17, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Kaitlyn, I’d hold off on the I miss you, or distance/silence feels bad like previously mentioned. Just let him lead. 🙂

  162.  #162kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Going running with my bff after I get caffeinated before I interview some peeps.

  163.  #163kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Tourq, yep that feels good to me as well. choices, choices!

  164.  #164ZD on May 17, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I guess Leo’s story helped me a lot. Thanx 4 that. Well my guy will be leaving 2moro for 3 weeks. I guess its “me time” by the time he gets back here ill be gone the day after for two weeks in a very intensive program. so i will keep you guys updated on how that goes.

  165.  #165Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    FW re 148,

    I feel a bit triggered… and that is ok.

    That feels difficult to hear, and I am sure that is because there is some truth in it.

    I want to argue why it isn’t true and I am just going to say if he doesn’t value me he is wrong.

    I am valuable, and I am a juicy woman, who responds to situations, even when they are not perfectly text book.

    AND I am going to learn from this.

    It is all just practice anyway.

    BUT he never HAD me… I have done the walk away lots of times and have withdrawn myself now.

    And remember it can change on a dime.

    Just look at Rori’s story. And those of many of the women she has worked with… and they were taking crumbs and making every mistake.

    Ok, so I have made mistakes, but I have continued to use the tools, used FMs, been warm and open and am finding my boundaries and trusting my feelings.

    I know what I need to work on.

    Basically I am trying to pick myself up right now cus me feeling like cr8p is NOT going to help anything here.

  166.  #166Ella on May 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    FW re 157,

    That is exactly what I AM doing.

    I have already started work on that today and found some websites and made some decisions and goals around my drinking.

    And YES taking care of myself is exaclty like dealing with that first. And it is something I find very hard.

    But I want to do it for me!

  167.  #167kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    !!!!!!!ohmygosh he responded he would absolutely be there if he were in town, but returning in a few weeks, and so kaitlyn, tell me…how’s life. xoxoxox’

    cue linda richmond ‘i’m verklempt.’ omg between this and the starbucks black coffee, i’ve got more energy than a tweaker on intervention!

  168.  #168tinque on May 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    yes kaitlyn, don’t send another message, wait until he messages you again. it would still be appropriate.

    and you are so welcome. my pleasure.


  169.  #169tinque on May 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Oh this is SO great to read, kaitlyn, triple YAY!!! You done good. You done really, really good.

    {And by the way I like balls too (K’s ones anyway).}


  170.  #170Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((((kaitlyn)))))))))))) I am so happy for 167. Congrats. When you respond remember to have your vibe up. Not sure though that I would respond immediately because I would want to keep the attraction going.

  171.  #171kaitlyn on May 17, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I ain’t got time to respond anyway. Workout time calls. aka ME first.

  172.  #172Ella on May 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Kaitlyn yay!

    🙂 xoxox

  173.  #173Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Ella sorry if I triggered you but I believe you deserve the best. You have been doing so much good work a once in a while slip up is no reason to get down on yourself. I just notice them to bring awareness to it and move on. Happy to hear you are honoring your commitment to yourself.

  174.  #174Ella on May 17, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Focus on me, focus on me, focus on me…

    Look after me.

    Ok first babystep. I am due to meet my friend at the pub tomorrow. I do want to go and meet her AND I WON’T drink.

    I will just stay for a short time. I will have lime and soda and I will feel my feelings.

    It may feel weird and less fun, but who knows. But, I WILL do it.

    I want to… this is what I want to do.

    I want to feel good and healthy. And I want to make good decisions.

  175.  #175Ella on May 17, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    FW re 173,

    Ahhh, that feels better. I feel relieved.

    Thank you.


  176.  #176Ella on May 17, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    So hard sometimes to balance… being open, honest, gushy… and having boundaries, integrity, rules for protection etc…

    I think if I have done most stuff right though, esp being open and vulnerable then good things will come.

    If not with him with someone else.

    And I am learning how to treat myself well, and ask for the same from others.

    Sometimes having trouble keeping the focus on me… and not caring about the outcome… but I guess the outcome is feeling good and the relationship I want.

    I was there with myself a few weeks ago, and just somehow lost the way again a lil bit.

    Did a few things wrong.

    Oh well, everything is fixable.

    Hey hom back up on the horse! 😉

  177.  #177Island Girl on May 17, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Yay! I am so happy for you! Reading Adams reply brought tears to my eyes. 🙂

    It seems a little redundant now, but Happy Birthday!!!!
    I loved my 40th Birthday – getting prepped for 42 soon – hope you love 40 as much as I did! It really gave me a strange sense of power. It was fun to tell people my age. Of course, that might have been because most people didn’t believe me. 😉

  178.  #178Ella on May 17, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    K I just went and made a sandwich and he was in lounge, me in kitchen.

    He came to my room earlier to say hi and made me a cup of tea.

    Well I felt weird/a bit tense in kitchen, and so sick of feeling like this right now. But I am going to stick with it and not use alcohol to help relax…

    Well I just made my sandwich and then wanted to come back to my room ready for bed.

    Felt it would be weird to say nothing at all so stuck my head round door and just said goodnight and then came straight up.

    I just need some proper time for myself, and I can just be quiet… don’t HAVE to say anything. Not even goodnight if I don’t want to.

    And if I feel like cack and want to just keep to myself I can.

    And it doesn’t matter what he thinks cus this is for me.

    Its just night 1 and I have a feeling there will be some ups and downs but I will be here completely for me… and we will get through it. And to something better.

    And it will be fine cus I love me.

  179.  #179Ella on May 17, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Gently, gently,

    Its ok Ella.

    I love you. Even when you are insecure.

    Even when you are drunk!!

    Even when you make mistakes.

    I know you are doing your best.

    And generally you are doing really well 🙂

    Just a few minor tweaks.

    Wait to be asked on a date before any kind of kissing.

    Stuff happens sometimes and its ok. You are still AMAZING. And I still love you.

    Mwah. mwah, mwah.

  180.  #180Ella on May 17, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Its weird but before Rori I used to be really prissy about kissing guys… I was not someone who would meet a guy and kiss him that same night and I felt shocked when my friends did this.

    Then I found Rori and I learnt about being open and the 6 ‘E’s and I began to let guys kiss me when they wanted to… I read somewhere we are supposed to do this in the name of being open.

    And guys always wanted to kiss me sooner rather than later. And I thought I was supposed to let them.

    I maybe misunderstood slightly and I let guys kiss me without even a date.

    And some good stuff happened, and I am more open to more people now.

    However I realise now this is not quite what is meant… and that guys have to work a bit harder for my attention.

    And then IF they take me out AND I feel ok about it I will let them kiss me.

    That feels like a good boundary.

  181.  #181Brenda on May 17, 2011 at 3:45 pm


    If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
    We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

    Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

    There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

    She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

    It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

    They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car .

    They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
    on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could thin k about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

    Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
    the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about’ what is taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some
    assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
    themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

    Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
    date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
    As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down. ‘And you thought your first
    date was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment…’This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.’

    Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

  182.  #182Brenda on May 17, 2011 at 4:03 pm


    Yay! Happy Birthday for sure!! I feel so happy for you!!!!!!! Celebrate!!

  183.  #183Queenbee on May 17, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Kaitlyn – YAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY and BIG (((HUG)))

    Wishing you so much love, joy and peace on your special day and always!


  184.  #184Island Girl on May 17, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    181 – Thank you Brenda! I needed a laugh today. 🙂

  185.  #185LonePlum on May 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    39: Femininewoman says:

    ***Lucy I believed shared a story of breaking an agreement to go with someone else in the past. In my mind she changed the agreement which made it different. This case has an exclusivity agreement. Though you did state that she is not going for a date. ***
    I think Lucy’s story says that she broke an agreement to have a relationship or an affair, (I don’t remember which ), with another man.
    I don’t see a parallel with a simple coffee with a man who will probably not come back in her town before many weeks. It would have been the only encounter and there is no romantic goal on LD’s side. Her heart is not set on leaving D at all. (LD, I am not discussing your case, just telling FW why I don’t see a possible comparison here) No matter if it is or it is not wise or even happy to meet this specific man that one time, I don’t see the parallel with Lucy’s story.


  186.  #186gina on May 17, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    What a happy story! That doesn’t sound so bad – at least they were in good spirits!

    I have been OBSESSING over D, and mostly I think about how I want to tell him off. What the HECK is he up to?? I want to say:

    YOU WANNA KNOW WHY WE’RE NOT TOGETHER?? IT’S NOT BECAUSE OF BOSTON. It’s because you don’t take my point of view into consideration. It’s because you have an emotional ISSUE that makes you needy and irritating sometimes, and controlling and posessive at other times. And an alcoholic over all. Good LUCK!

    I am having a hard time sorting out my feelings. Last night I looked over my posts from when i was with him, and I KNEW that he bugged me way back when we first got together. NO WONDER I wasn’t feeling it (yep, that’s right, I’ve been obsessing over a guy who I haven’t hardly ever even liked) – I didn’t like the needy controlling behavior. But I blamed myself so I didn’t react or even communicate. I thought I must be avoiding intimacy. Which maybe I was by even being with a guy who I don’t much like…I dunno. But urgh, I feel all pissed over NOTHING. There’s nothing happening. He sent me that lame effing text and that’s the only thing in the last 2 WEEKS. And I think it bugs me because I think he’s TRYING to bug me. And it DOES!!

  187.  #187Ella on May 17, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Feeling a lil tired and sleepy now. Am in my bed.

    Also still feel a lot scared of what will happen to me.

    Still feeling insecure. Esp about men at the moment cus none of them stay. And recently very few have been steping up or taking me out…

    Actually no, that is not true! Some have indeed. I just need to feel the love.

    Yes, ok.

    So just feeling insecure and there is no reason.

    But I have a lot of love and support here. Unlike when I was in the city here I have my family near me. And some good friends.

    I will be ok.

    Gonna snuggle in my bed in a minute and cuddle up with a soft toy cus it feels good.

    I hope I am ok.

    Feel a lil anxious to leave the blog.

    How silly is that!

    Lol. Love my sillyness.


  188.  #188LonePlum on May 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    39: Femininewoman says:

    ***Loneplum you refer to him not speaking marriage. I believe that at times guys will speak it to keep stringing you along. Or they later change their minds. Some speak marriage and still disappear for a while. They speak marriage maybe because that is what they know you want. Are you suggesting that when a guy speaks marriage before the ring or anything else shows up we should be more careful about Cdating?***

    No, I guess I was thinking in french when I wrote. In french, when we say ”they are speaking marriage” we mean they are planning it, it is becoming official. The ring is being chosen already.
    I am slow today, I am not sure what you are asking me. 🙂

    But yes, this site is full of stories where they moved in, speaking of marriage ( in the English meaning of it) and the guy never went further than speaking of it, never made it real until she wakes up a few years in.

    Right now, though, I am remembering men who stepped up and yet the women were left alone at the church during the ceremony or left alone after the ceremony a few years later, well married and yet back to point zero looking for a boy friend, older , no job, and with children to raise.
    The type of things you want to say “He should have left her during the ceremony, before the children birth, God damned!”

    That’s what I said about a friend of mine.
    That’s funny I should remember today because it all started for her because of a kiss the same day they met, before she realized he was not the guy for her.

    She was 19 and working for my father.
    We were taking a break, strolling down the village street.
    The noise of a car breaks tore the air, we did not have time to understand what was happening and the car was blocking our way, on purpose, to keep us at hand. . and there was a bunch of young men jumping out of a small car and all over us, saying compliments and doing their jobs, showing they colours and feathers.

    I was 15 years old and did not like it at all. My friend was smiley and blossoming and loving it lol

    The oldest, a 23 years old guy does the show specially to her, to the point that they all leave them alone and take care of my “case”. I sent a few arrows with my sharp words and got rid of them (was I stupid lol) Before he went back in his car he kissed her under the applause of his friends. . She fell in love right there. He pushed his hormones down her throat and won at stroke one..

    They got married a few months later.

    I was desperate.
    Her mother was desperate.
    The day she got married I begged her to reconsider, I said we are not in the ancient century anymore people don’t marry at 19 years old, you got to live first, and you don’t really know him and I don’t like like his face loool I am sure he won’t be straight with you.
    My father too talked to her the week before the marriage but the kisses were too good apparently. She got married.

    As we thought, she spent a few years moaning that she was alone at home while he was enjoying life as if he was single.
    I don’t think there were women involved at the beginning, he simply let the responsibility on her shoulders with 3 small kids to raise all day and night long while he was going out with friends after work, as if nothing.

    one day she got a phone call from an ex school friend employed in her bank.
    “hey Nicole, are you aware that your husband is wanting to empty your shared check book account? And there is a chick waiting for him outside the bank.
    Nicole ”no! Don’t move, I am coming”
    The school friend did something illegal but who cares, Nicole’s kids were saved from a catastrophe. The school friend told Ivan the husband that something was not working in the bank and she could not get the money right now. He said he was coming back and he left.
    Nicole arrived, she emptied the account and did whatever her friend the bank employee told her to do.
    Ivan came back to the bank, saw there was no more money. He was told his wife had done whatever and he said nothing
    He left again with the girl and nobody ever saw him again.
    He kept the car which was the family car, and they had no house, they were renting, and Nicole was left with the rent to pay and a family to raise.
    He never took care of his 3 children

    The story has a good ending, though.

    She found a job, in the kitchen of our ex school.
    She made a female friend there.
    The female friend’s brother fell in love with Nicole and her 3 children. He is 10 years younger.
    They moved in, had a baby and a few years later got married.
    He has a good face . Lol. I met him during a trip I made to France after my baby’s birth. I liked him a lot.
    He took care of the 4 kids with her and shares life with her. A good guy until now.
    Their baby is 31 years old.

    So, you know…..
    Some mean what they say, some don’t.
    Some mean it but don’t know what it means.
    Some meant to mean it , but discover later that they meant to have a different life altogether.
    And some mean it but die on us.
    Some mean to date only but fall in love and marry us.
    It’s all good. As long as we keep rebouncing…
    We might be the ones who did not know what we meant.
    The key is to make the best of each day, independently of what life means.
    Coz this, we’ll never know…


  189.  #189Soul Sista on May 17, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Haven’t heard from him in 5 days after we talked on the phone and i said i want a family and he said ” wants a baby.”

    LOL…and that’s OK because yes I do and if it’s not him it will be another man who wants to make me happy.

    now, i did not have to say that thing about wanting a family (or get angry when he brought something else up that reminded me of our previous long-distance relationship where he strung me along for 4 months…but, i’m still learning and now I know how to end this telephone calls quickly without getting angry or explaining myself.

    i don’t do long-distance relationships, i don’t drive to meet men and i don’t have telephone/email relationships.

  190.  #190LonePlum on May 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    19: Laughing Goddess

    Thank you 🙂
    Yes, Mercedes’ touch of energetic realism is needed on here.


  191.  #191Lily T. on May 17, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Kaitlyn! Happy Birthday and what wonderful presents so far!!!

    Here’s hoping the positive dialogue continues and gets better and better.
    xxxooo 🙂

  192.  #192DE on May 17, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Gosh, Kaytlyn darling your vibe today made my day!!! I feel very, very happy for you…Thank you 🙂 and Have a Wonderful Bday!!!

    Warm hugs,

  193.  #193Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 6:05 pm


    “…and I KNEW that he bugged me way back when we first got together. NO WONDER I wasn’t feeling it (yep, that’s right, I’ve been obsessing over a guy who I haven’t hardly ever even liked)…”

    Wow, did this speak to me!

    The man I dated a couple months ago, Alpha, was very much this way for me. I knew he was wrong. I told everyone here he was “wrong.” You all told me to follow my intuition…and that he sounded wrong. Wrong for me, wrong feeling…just wrong. Yet I kept seeing him.

    “He’s just another CD,” I said to myself. And I did CD other men. Lots of them. But he was the one who seemed to “step up” the most. I see now it was an attempt to control and was not stepping up. He did not want to “compete with my kids.” He would start to say something about my busy schedule or about my friends, then go, “Oh, nothing, Never mind. It’s just me being stupid….” then he’d disappear for four days. And then he misunderstood my desire to have him embody the masculine energy to mean I wanted him to be aggressive physically, and that felt…that WAS…horrible. (I wondered if I had miscommunicated, but I’ve come to realize that the lack of understanding was on him because he only heard what he wanted or could hear.)

    When we are not used to a good man stepping up and taking care of us the way a secure man does–emotionally, practically, and yes, sexually–we sometimes see anything other than neglect or abuse as a positive.

    It’s been a big lesson for me. Eye-opening. Even scary. But well worth it because I’ve learned.

    Gina, consider what he really brings to the party. Very little it sounds like. I think you are seeing that too. Sometimes I think closure can be good, despite the Rori party line–I think it;s useful when it’s OUR closure: “I won’t been seeing you again. Thanks and good luck.”

    I wish I had said it to him and about 15 other men and boys I can recall over the years. Not saying YOU have to formally dismiss him, but I definitely feel that when a man feels “off,” we owe it to ourselves to end the connection.

    What do you think?


  194.  #194Boomer on May 17, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Wow. I totally took your post, highjacked it, and made it all about me, Gina. Feeling kind of abashed. It’s my stuff…it was cleansing to say. But what works for me may not be what works for you. Sorry if I offended or overshadowed your needs.


  195.  #195Daria on May 17, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Daria’s Goddess Party Starring Yemaya, Oshun, Oya!

    Here is the document for my teleseminar, and it includes the recording!



  196.  #196DE on May 17, 2011 at 6:34 pm


    That story was just awesome…thank you, thank u…:) I re-post it on FB 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  197.  #197RiverGirl on May 17, 2011 at 6:54 pm


    ROFL!! That is just too funny Brenda, still giggling 10 minutes after reading that.

  198.  #198RiverGirl on May 17, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Haha, so did I DE!

  199.  #199RiverGirl on May 17, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Happy Birthday Kaitlyn! I felt so happy hearing that Adam reached out to you.

  200.  #200Daria on May 17, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Happy Birthday Kaitlyn!

  201.  #201Lilybelle on May 17, 2011 at 7:25 pm


    Hugging you and squeezing tight. I know how excited you are…Keep the positive vibe up…Be yourself, be vulnerable and open.

    You so GOT this! You’re doing great!!!


  202.  #202RiverGirl on May 17, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    LonePlum @ 188
    “So, you know…..
    Some mean what they say, some don’t.
    Some mean it but don’t know what it means.
    Some meant to mean it , but discover later that they meant to have a different life altogether.
    And some mean it but die on us.
    Some mean to date only but fall in love and marry us.
    It’s all good. As long as we keep rebouncing…
    We might be the ones who did not know what we meant.
    The key is to make the best of each day, independently of what life means.
    Coz this, we’ll never know…”

    I love what you wrote here LonePlum, that is exactly how it is and exactly what I needed to hear today. I just need to stay focussed on being how I mean to be, feeling how I’m feeling, and authentically saying what I mean to say. Could be that I will mean something to a good man one day and he will mean it when he tells me “we were meant to be”. Or not.

  203.  #203Femininewoman on May 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    How’s the sunburn Lilybelle?

  204.  #204gina on May 17, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Boomer, I really appreciate the feedback! It’s affirming to hear your experience.

    I gave it a little more thought, and I also think that I obsess over it because I saw him as someone WILLING to have a real relationship, and so I thought if I “did it right” that we ought to be able to work it out. I guess maybe I was misusing some of Rori’s and Abraham Hicks’ advice – where they say you can have a relationship with anyone, it doesn’t really matter who. So I thought that if I worked it right, somehow we both ought to be able to heal and make it happen. I guess I still feel a little confused about it. Yet, I can say for sure that I feel very uncomfortable with his controlling behavior and I no longer trust him.

  205.  #205T-Girl on May 17, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Wow, Kaitlyn!!! What an awesome birthday present!


  206.  #206T-Girl on May 17, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Soulmate Secret Free online teleseminar with Arielle Ford (sorry if someone has posted this already)


  207.  #207Brenda on May 17, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    Hello Sirens and Heroes!

    Things are shaping up for me finding a place to live and to have help! Thank God, I have a place to stay! Anytime after tomorrow, I will be able to start loading stuff out of here. I have about 2/3 of my house packed. The hardest part will be carrying things from the basement upstairs, or up the hill thru the yard. I think it is too muddy to bring any vehicles into the yard.

    A friend, Deborah, invited me to stay with her indefinitely, and she is willing for me to bring my dogs and cats. It is a real provision of God with me being in a crisis! She lives 2 hours north of here, which isn’t ideal. But I am going to come home every Sunday and be with my Mom and go to church! I consider it a temporary situation, and I will be returning to my home area asap, both to be a part of my church and to be near my Mother, who is in poor health. But I will continue to jobhunt and home hunt while I am there. It will give me time to get on my feet financially and be able to search for a proper home without being in an emergency.

    Thank you all for your kind comments, support, care, and help!

    Love, Brenda

  208.  #208The Lurker on May 17, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    Awww, Kaitlyn, so happy for you! Happy Birthday!!! And Mazeltov!
    Yeah, Adam’s messages sound great. Most of us guys don’t use the L-word easily, it really means something when we write it. And he would like to come to your party. And he’d like to hear what you’re doing. And he sends hugs and kisses. Which means, he’s really into you, girl! And your text hit the right tone, too, imho. This really feels like, eventually, everything will be allright again!

    If you haven’t answered him yet, consider to tell him about the documentary, the exciting new direction you’re taking. That should impress him and show him that there are changes in your life.

    It ain’t always easy, for sure, but then, it never is, right? Move on in that new direction, step by step, and you’ll be fine. U rock, Kaitlyn!

  209.  #209The Lurker on May 17, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    #207 Hey, Brenduhlicious, great to read good news from you!
    I was a bit concerned about all the stress you’re going through. I remember how it was last time I moved, the horror (I really have too much stuff, especially too many books). But you’re handling this in an impressive way. And what you write about your new, temporary home feels good. You girls living together for some time can be lots of fun!
    All the best for the move, Siren!

  210.  #210The Lurker on May 17, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    #201 Doesn’t hugging still hurt a bit, Crimsonbelly?
    Sry, only joking. Hope you’re already feeling better, Lil!

  211.  #211Corin on May 18, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Hey everyone,

    Excellent news Kaitlyn!

    I’m working on a boundaries/ FM talk with my guy at the moment and it’s feeling really difficult and scary so I’m going to share it here to try to get some clarity.

    I totally have a pattern of emotionally unavailable and distant men and when I feel they don’t want to spend as much time with me as I do them, I feel really triggered to past rejections and not feeling good enough. I know a lot of this is old stuff rather than my reaction to how my guy P is behaving. Actually I’ve caught myself feeling sad, anxious and rejected when he is about to leave my place even when I need him to leave because I’ve got things I need to do and when the present part of me is happy for him to leave. I get myself caught between my present feelings of being happy for him to leave and old feelings of men not wanting to be with me.

    I’ve shared with him that I find it difficult to sift between actual boundary breaches that he makes and old stuff being triggered. At times I’ve shared feeling disconnected, missing him etc when I felt he wasn’t wanting to see me as much as I would like.

    On Sat and Sun last week end he picked me up and took me to meet some friends of his I had not met before. Each day it was to a different group of friends. However when he dropped me at my home afterwards, on both days he left again without staying the night. The usual pattern between us is that he will stay the night. He never communicated why he wasn’t staying and it was only by his actions that I realised he wasn’t i.e. not getting out of the car. I then went into usual overstuffed emotions shutdown mode, completely ignored what was going on and acted as if this was the most normal thing between us for the whole week end.

    However I’m now ANGRY, sad, rejected, turned off, insecure, you name it, i’ve got it. I’m mostly angry at myself for not standing up for my feelings in the moment and saying how I felt. I’m angry at him for not having the decency to explain why he wasn’t staying over and to not think this would bother me. I’m feeling rejected, not good enough for him to want to spend time with me, sexually rejected for him not wanting to stay the night and have sex.

    Since then he’s contacted me but not arranged for us to see each other again (again unusual for him). I’m being fake and pretending everthing is cool but inside seething and fantasing about breaking up with him to feel more powerful and to put
    me in the role of rejector rather than him.

    FM planned along the lines of:
    I’ve been feeling sad and angry the last few days and have realised it started when we didn’t spend the night together over the week end. I also think it triggered some old feelings of being rejected and not good enough. I’m annoyed with myself for not sharing this with you earlier. What do you think?

  212.  #212Corin on May 18, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Just read this- “When we are one with ourselves, we are happy to be one with the world, wherever we meet it. When we are insecure within, we are lonely manipulators of relationship”.

    I’m working on being less of a lonely manipulator for sure! Relinquishing trying to get him to do something when it’s ME that needs to do something…love me.

  213.  #213Rosa on May 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

    Woohoo…just received a luxury box of goodies from CD ..arrived at my work by courier … dark chocolate dipped figs, pistachio toffees, Persian fairy floss and heaps of other amazing little treats…wow 🙂

    This is the third special delivery in 2 weeks from 3 different fellas.

    I am obviously in receiving mode.
    I must be very Sireny , but I put it down to them wanting to make me feel better about the surgery. This has brought out their protectivness and desire to provide for me.
    I am now back at work and tired but feeling hopeful.

    I cant believe the changes in the way I am dating. Having the cancer diagnosis and surgeries seems to have attracted mature minded and sincere men . I feel like they are honouring me and showering me with respect and care. This is SOOOOOOOO different to the past when men seemed to want casual company and sex, no commitment..

    Ella expresses it well and i see you Ella going through that place I used to be in myself. I hear your frustration at getting into these scrapes where the guy fizzles or poofs or just plain exits ..

    For me its EVERYTHING about sex. Avoiding premature sex and this means limiting alcohol a LOT as well. It means being more reserved in flirting and just operating from a position of openness but selectivity. I feel in control . I feel i have CHOICE . I no longer feel anxious about men wanting me or maybe not wanting me.

    But I have a new anxiety. I now feel anxious about truly engaging into intimacy with one of these guys. And I love that gentle nervousness. Its entirely new.
    I never felt anxious about intimacy before because I was protecting my heart and I used to think closeness and sex and flirting and fun was intimacy .

    Now I feel nervous because if these men keep dating me (and they seem persistent) then likely a different intimacy will eventuate with one of them or someone like them.

    It feels good 🙂

  214.  #214Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

    203: FW~
    It is so much better. After spending much time pampering and taking good care of it, it has turned into a lovely shade of brown. My face is tan, the rest…lily white. 🙂

    Thanks for asking!


  215.  #215Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 4:04 am



    Nope, it was just my face. But even if it had been my whole bod, I still woulda hugged Kaitlyn. 🙂


  216.  #216Rosa on May 18, 2011 at 4:10 am


    I am so happy to hear about the accommodation!

    Kaitlyn , that is so good about Adam. I would suggest gentleness now. I think this is so so important to not get LEANY FORWARDY at all just now. I would NOT say “I miss you” or ” Im sorry ” again now.

    I would love to hear some positive vibe , not needy . Something Adam will want to get close to..” I feel so good hearing from you and things are pretty exciting just now with work on the doco , my birthday and reading what you are up to! ”

    Come to mamma…:)

  217.  #217The Lurker on May 18, 2011 at 4:58 am

    #211 Good, just, imho a bit too much blaming yourself, Corin. How about striking the third sentence about being annoyed you didn’t share this earlier?

    #213 Aw, Rosa, for me your stories are the most impressive evidence that CDing really works. I’m always moved by the great spirit showing in what you write. You’re such a role model for the Sirens here!
    #215 Only your face, Lil, and it’s already better? That’s great!

  218.  #218SummerBaby on May 18, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Boomer, Tinque, Kaitlyn, FW, and Lilybelly (and anyone else I might have missed),

    thanks for the kind words of support and hugs. They are very much appreciated. I feel comforted reading your words.


  219.  #219Rosa on May 18, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Hiya Lurks , thanks for the compliment.
    I am smiling thinking of my “great spirit”.

    Sometimes I am amazed I am not depressed or a little crazy after the last 6 months in particular (and 9 years in general:))

    I put it down to self esteem having tentatively opened a few buds and now getting stronger every day (thanks Rori and bloggers) and soon to burst forth into something amazing!

    As I have said here before , I have learned that living out of masculine energy will attract men to be your BUDDY. The recipe is : lean forward , chase , be very available , be independent and “bulletproof”,give a lot ,then add plenty of flirtatiousness then sexiness and …voila!….suddenly you are a F@@@ buddy !! Fun company , sexy oohlala , and no devotion, no commitment , easy come easy go, no strings attached…. everything that works against a womans basic physiology . uuurghhhh..nausea…

    I have learned that being a F@@@ buddy is the most destructive position a woman can put herself in, when it comes to her precious self love and self value .

    She starts off feeling vibrant and sexy and as if she is in her power “choosing” a sexy friendship , but gradually Her life becomes an empty merry-go-round of SEEKING MORE , seeking validation and “love” and painfully wondering why the buddy doesnt want to step up and give her those things.

    Those nights of crying into my pillow are now OVER for me..

    It seems to me that just telling the guys up front that I am dating as FRIENDS has made all the difference. Then leaning back , minimising texting etc..being warm and welcoming. Yes I offer to pay a little coffee or parking money as I described before but generally i let them provide.

    These men seem delighted to have a clear understanding that they are not in danger of being entrapped into the instant relationship . They are not running in fear or even dancing on the back foot with me. They dont have to produce a relationship because they are not getting sex ,just cuddles and a few kisses, so everyone RELAXES.

    It feels a little scary with them sometimes because we both know we could be getting sex pretty much any where else, but are choosing not to. Spending no-sex time together means we VALUE each other more. They elevate me on my Goddess pedestal and I elevate them on their white steed 🙂

    Next thing I am being showered in gifts and invited on wonderful dates and it feels just warm and special to be valued this way.

    The down side is that sometimes I feel anxious that i will become sexless or “forget” how to be my old excitable self. My physical health contributes to this fear while i am still healing.

    I guess when one of them steps up with an offer of exclusivity then I will get a chance to find out.
    Meanwhile I am putting on weight with all this candy and chocolate 🙂 🙂 🙂

  220.  #220Mel on May 18, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Corin Re: 211

    I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure out whether I’m feeling sad/angry because of an actual rejection or a perceived one.

    I think most of the time it is perceived. I don’t think that I “make it up” though. It really FEELS like a rejection. I think a lot of the time though, it is really just a misunderstanding (perhaps on both people’s parts).

    A quick example from yesterday. My husband told me on my lunch break that he would be home quite late as he had a lot of work. I said “Oh, that sucks!” He said “Not really. I just want to get it done.” To me this answer triggered a feeling of rejection without me even realizing it. I mean even if he does have a lot of work to do, wouldn’t he rather spend time together? Obviously I accept the fact that he has to work and I don’t expect him NOT to, but it would sure feel nice to hear an “i’ll miss you!” So in that split-second of feeling horrible, I said “Well, it might not suck for you, but it sure sucks for me!” He said “Oh… I didn’t mean it THAT way.”

    I wouldn’t be surprised if your BF had some perfectly rational reason for not being able to spend the night. He obviously didn’t “get” that you would want an explanation though. I’m sure it would have felt great for him to say something like “I would love to be able to stay over… but unfortunately I have to take my cat to the vet first thing in the morning… (or whatever). The problem becomes when we then try to explain for ourselves the “why” of what he said/didn’t say or did/didn’t do. We interpret the “misbehavior” (in our eyes) based on our own reality and past experiences. If “I” said or did that, it would mean _____. But it often doesn’t mean that at all.

    I’m hoping that perhaps as I use feeling messages more in the moment that he will start to “get” my feelings more. Perhaps then he will start to offer those much needed explanations or words of support because he may be able to anticipate my feelings. Wishful thinking?

  221.  #221Mel on May 18, 2011 at 6:33 am

    Our anniversary is this Thursday. He’s been working late a lot and has a lot of work this week. I asked “So what if someone asks you to do some last-minute stuff on Thursday? Can you say no?”

    He got all mad and said “Of course I could say no! I would just say I had plans. People aren’t that unreasonable you know!”

    Um…. well, what about the last bunch of times we had plans and you bailed at the last minute? To me, those plans were important too. In my experience, he has not told anyone at work “no” because he had plans with me. Why would I think this day would be any different?

  222.  #222Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:34 am

    Mel some people teach buiding in a pause before reacting to things we hear. I am wondering if you could do something to remind yourself to do that so you get a couple of seconds to observe your thinking and maybe choose your words before saying things. I just read an email from CCarter and in it he was suggesting giving oneself a few seconds to get really clear on how we are feeling before sharing. He says men don’t move easily from one emotion to another so I imagine that your husband would not necessarily get uncomfortable or impatient if you hold off a little before replying or maybe if you even ask him for a minute to think about what he said before responding to him. I have a male in my life who will say hold a minute let me just wrap my head around that. Just some thoughts that came to me as I read your comments to Corin.

  223.  #223Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:50 am

    RE 221 Mel I am kind of stuck at “he got all mad” while reading your comments. I have read learned that body language communicates more effectively that our actual words. This includes tone of voice, our intentions and emotions that get transferred unconsciously. In addition to the fact that he knows you and most likely knows what you might have been thinking. I am just wondering if you could look at the interaction for yourself with the intention of learning about yourself to see if there is something you could get from it for your next time around with him.
    I have also read from Loneplum:
    “Me needs to wait inside her mind, focused on herself, for a man to send her his vibes. .
    He wants Me to feel him
    I suppose that’s what rori calls “to get him”
    He does not want Me to analyze what he does . He does not want Me to analyze what she should do to attract him. He wants her to stay centered inside herself.
    A well structured cool woman is a sex bomb. She needs to respect men’s feelings and to stay out of their boundaries. No suggestion of what he could do, no questioning why he does whatever. In fact, no questions at all. Questions are intrusions into men’s mind, it freezes them. Questions are shortening the vital distance between the man and her. He panics away.
    She thinks she is getting it. She needs to overcome the need to KNOW everything, to control. Respect and trust for the other.
    Stop showing him what he should do for YOU to have the relationship YOU want to have..”
    This was written to someone about a CDate however there might be something valuable in it for this situation.

  224.  #224Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:52 am

    RE 221 Could ““Of course I could say no! I would just say I had plans. People aren’t that unreasonable you know!” be subliminally about trust?

  225.  #225Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Mel please take the above as my dissecting the convo to see if I can help you look at it from a different angle. Also please feel free to ignore if you don’t feel comfortable as I acknowledge it might come across as dissection or nitpicking. My intention is just to help.

  226.  #226Mel on May 18, 2011 at 6:55 am


    Well, in this regard… I don’t trust him. He lets me down a lot. Any time we have plans, it’s always a good possibility that he will cancel because of work. He’s never shown me that he can say “no” to work.

  227.  #227Mel on May 18, 2011 at 7:02 am

    I want to trust him. I want to feel like our plans are important to him too. I want to feel like a priority to him (at least some of the time).

  228.  #228Mel on May 18, 2011 at 7:05 am

    And you know, for the most part, a simple “I’m sorry to cancel, I really wanted to do _____ too. Can we reschedule” would be all it would take. Just an acknowledgement that he would rather spend time with me, even if it can’t happen in this moment.

  229.  #229Mel on May 18, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Lurker, Rusty…. sirens….

    Does he think it’s OBVIOUS that he would rather spend time with me? Is this why he gets angry with me in the above situations? Does he think he shouldn’t have to tell me that?

    Just a thought.

  230.  #230Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 7:25 am

    RE 226 Mel it is good to acknowledge this to yourself and for yourself. Could his work represent his purpose in life to him? Could he understand it as the one way he can help to make you happy?

    RE 228 I am wondering if it is possible to just believe “he would rather spend time with me, even if it can’t happen in this moment” regardless of what he says or does?

    I read somewhere about death bed wishes. I think it is also suggested in Gay Hendricks book “The 6 Wishes”. If he was laying on his deathbed and looking over his life I imagine that one of his wishes would be to do the best by you and spend as much time as he could with you.

  231.  #231Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 7:27 am

    RE 229 I hope one of the guys respond to you but I do believe so. I also believe that he would want you to trust him to feel that way.

    CCarter explains guys anger as their stress response from prehistoric times.

  232.  #232Mel on May 18, 2011 at 7:31 am

    ” I am wondering if it is possible to just believe “he would rather spend time with me, even if it can’t happen in this moment” regardless of what he says or does?”

    I could try. It would feel good to hear it though.

  233.  #233The Lurker on May 18, 2011 at 7:35 am

    #229 Mel, I don’t know if he thinks that should be obvious to you. All I can say is that that remark in #221 (“Of course I could say no! I would just say I had plans. People aren’t that unreasonable you know!”) sounds like he’s defending the company. Aparently he saw your question as an attack on them. Which, to me, makes it look like he’s an diehard workaholic for whom the job always comes first. After all, it doesn’t seem to occur to him that your point is that he so often DIDN’T say no. But I really have to stop myself at this point, since all this is only interpretation and guesswork. And it doesn’t matter much what we think of him. What matters is if there’s a change to the positive when you use the Siren toolset to improve the situation.

    As I wrote before, try to apply FMs, laying back, etc, as good as possbile, and give yourself a deadline at which you’ll decide if the situation has become better. All these attempts at mindreading that guy don’t lead anywhere, better focus on the facts instead. For instance, if he says no to overtime demands in order to keep appointments with you. That’s evidence that shows if there is any improvement or not.

  234.  #234tinque on May 18, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Brenda – “A friend, Deborah, invited me to stay with her indefinitely”

    This is amazing news. I feel so relieved and thrilled for you.


  235.  #235Jilly on May 18, 2011 at 7:56 am

    HELLOOOOO and goodmorning! 🙂

    i’m back ladies…and i’ve missed being on here!… i ended up going on an 18 day fire assignment all over Arizona and New Mexico…

    i feel soooo happy to be home..

    i have so much to catch up on but wanted to jump in here and say hi and hope everyone is doing well 🙂

  236.  #236tinque on May 18, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Gorgeous work Daria…..Just beautiful.


  237.  #237tinque on May 18, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Mel – He’s probably feeling like he’s not being enough, doing enough, badly for disappointing. He’s angry more with himself or maybe his situation.


  238.  #238Corin on May 18, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Thanks for the advice Lurker, I’ve just responded to him with that message minus the part about feeling annoyed with myself.

    Mel, it feels comforting to hear I’m not alone in being so unsure of whether rejection is real or imagined. In the spirit of healing myself I’m trying really hard to switch to FMs rather than blame too. It’s hard! x

  239.  #239Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 8:43 am

    jilly welcome back. Been missing you.

  240.  #240Corin on May 18, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Replied to his text with that FM and noooo response. Feeling really worried and vulnerable right now. Anger is an especially hard emotion for me to recognise and communicate. NVs are trying to take over but I’m going to focus on work and deep breathing

  241.  #241Mel on May 18, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Tinque, & FW…

    Re 237

    Because this time he had the intention to be there for me, wanted to do good… but I was already expecting him to screw up? Why was I being so pessimistic?

    This is why I like this blog. It gives me an opportunity to see things a little differently, to change my perspective.

  242.  #242Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 9:11 am


    RE: #209 – Thank you so much! I still have a lot to do, and I’m not thrilled to leave my area, but maybe a break from my usual time and place will be good for me!

  243.  #243Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 9:13 am


    RE: #213 – You said, This is the third special delivery in 2 weeks from 3 different fellas.

    I am obviously in receiving mode.”

    It is the law of giving and receiving! You are being blessed because you are such a giver! May God bless you 100 times over!

    Love, Brenda

  244.  #244Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Thanks Tinque! I feel so relieved and happy! I know it will be hard on my Mom having me out of town, but I will continue to call her every day and visit her once a week. She is my best friend!

  245.  #245Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 9:42 am

    RE 241 Mel CCarter talks about a positive and negative emotional override. It seems, from what I understand, we have an automatic negative emotional response to many things. Think about it from experience with a child’s first word as being no.

  246.  #246tinque on May 18, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Mel – I don’t know what his intentions were. I do know that before you found a better way, you were on the attack mode; you were being in victim mode, and you were holding him responsible. He knew this, felt this, and on top of his job and move stresses, he was on overload.

    He didn’t feel supported or drawn to you because you were pulling on him as much or more than all the rest.

    Now you know better and have come a hugely huge way and have changed your ways. YAY you.

    You are not pessimistic. Well maybe you are, BUT it’s because you’re still a bit scared. You still want things just so, an this is so understandable.

    You need to give him the space to step up for you. Yes you need to do this without an agenda. I know, not easy.

    But things and he will change the more you can operate from this mode, EVEN if it means you feel disappointment at times.

    The more you change, the more will he. Trust me on this one. And you may no even realize it at first or for awhile because you are taking care of you, and you feel happy regardless.


  247.  #247Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Mel we are all dealing with the human condition. Most people are egocentric for instance where in we see things through a filter of me. Tinque suggested he was thinking about his own shortcomings while you were there thinking about how his response affects you. You know the WIFM syndrome which is the reason why if the bigger picture is that he loves you it is best to keep that in mind and see each other as team members rather than as opponents.

    Some time ago Laughing Goddess shared a feeling message that suggested “I know it is not your intention to hurt me” but …………..is how I feel. Is there anything you can do to help me feel better. I understand the feeling message thing as an invitation or a way to clear the way for better things. In your situation being married makes you more vulnerable. I would assume that guys see that and would not deliberately want to hurt you, at least good guys. Falling into that vulnerability is scary but in my mind that door has to be open when people are married. If you are constantly looking for something wrong or a way out it will always be found. I know it is tough but deeply surrendering despite the ups and downs and the uncertainty could be a way to go. At least surrendering to your own hurt, maybe crying in front of him but only letting him know you are hurt and going to take care of yourself might be the way to go. That sucks could mean “what you are doing sucks”. I wish I knew all the answers.

  248.  #248Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 9:58 am

    RE 246 “The more you change, the more will he”.

    So many coaches say this and I have seen this over and over again, regardless of the type of relationship.

  249.  #249kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 10:10 am


    I think FW is right saying it’s about trust. As in yes he’s made work a priority in past anniversaries, but this one he wouldn’t. He’s probably thinking ‘how dare she assume i’m gonna do it this time, too.’

  250.  #250turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Welcome back Jilly!!!

    Kaitlyn, anything new with Adam?

    Mel… I’m sorry things are still stressful. Sending hugs!

  251.  #251Mel on May 18, 2011 at 10:39 am



    It’s funny. It seems like I’ve switched from having expectations about things and getting disappointed to having no expectations- such that I’m almost just expecting to be disappointed. I need to find that place where I have no expectations and can just be okay with whatever happens.

  252.  #252kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Tourq, yes, i wrote back ‘yeah? so sweet you’d come if you were in town. life is good. i’ve been shooting a lot and painting more. i feel really happy. xoxo’

  253.  #253Mel on May 18, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Hi to you too Turquoise! How are things?

    Things are still a bit stressful. But less so, at least. I think, for me, this anniversary is particularly sensitive because it’s a “milestone” one and this year hasn’t been great for the relationship. So there’s a bit of anxiety around that.

  254.  #254Jilly on May 18, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Thanks FW and Camile 🙂 it feels soo good to be back and i could not wait to get on here..i got back yesterday afternoon and hotpilot came over right away lol

    things are still going great between us…yay 🙂 it was interesting with me being the one gone.. i felt it was a good balance between me initiating calls and sometimes he would just call and leave a message so that i would get it when i had service..so cute!…he did a lot of the goodmorning and goodnight texts when we couldn’t talk…

    on another note…the guy who brought me Rori’s stuff has kind of returned…go FIGURE!!!!!
    i have not seen or heard from him since the end of January of last year and my roommate is now working at the same place he works and he totally opened up to her without her saying much and told her how awesome i am (which is true 😉 and how he wished things could have been different and he said to tell me hi…i have a feeling that there is more to come from him…hmmmmmm interesting!!!

  255.  #255Jilly on May 18, 2011 at 10:56 am

    18 days is A LOT to miss on this blog!! 🙂 i’ll probably just start from the beginning of this thread and see how far i get 🙂

  256.  #256Mel on May 18, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Jilly… hmmm… that does sound intriguing! Glad to hear things are still going great with you! It’s nice to see you back. 🙂

  257.  #257kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Wow. He just asked me out for when he comes back next month!!!!!! I put ‘yes!’

    One word. That’s all. A ‘yes’ with an exclamation mark looks so warm and open by itself. In the past, I would’ve overfunctioned by adding ‘ok, when? where? what time?’ Less is more indeed.

  258.  #258kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Ugh my bff is worried that I’m gonna let Adam rule my life when he’s back. Dude, give me more credit than that. A little faith please.

  259.  #259tinque on May 18, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Yes Mel I understand, yet I still hear expectations in your voice here.

    I also understand that if you get to the point where you don’t have any expectations, you just won’t care at all, not only about whatever situation but also about him.

    And this is a scary thought.

    I want you to try living as if it already is, not so much the details of it all but the feeling of it.

    You may still feel disappointment, especially in the beginning of trying this, when you think none of this is working.

    But doing this changes your energy more and more which he can feel. And when that pressure he may still be feeling from you lifts, he will be more likely and and wanting to step up in those ways he knows pleases you.

    And you can then appreciate it all the more because you weren’t expecting it at all.

    When the twinges of disappointment hit, breathe, meditate, do whatever it takes to feel better. Remember he’s just doing the best he can in this moment.

    It’s not letting him off the hook as much as giving him the time and space to figure himself and all of this out on his own.


  260.  #260KS on May 18, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Soooooooo happy for you. Jealous….but happy for you. 😉

    So glad you are back and things are good. I got sooooo triggered reading about Ex trying to come back. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH
    WTF Dude? Soooooooo your just now figuring out you lost the best thing you ever had? Duh! Seriously?

    Hmmmmm……So strongly triggered by that. Looks like ME has some more work to do.

    P.S.-I personally LOVE triggers…..puts me that much closer to where I want to be! 🙂

  261.  #261turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Jilly…. the vibe has been a lot better the last week or so, but before that, was very stressful. Lots of stress on the blog, Rori had to comment a few times, Mercedes left, you might want to just skip it and start fresh. Curious to hear about your past guy, I’m sure there will be more too. He’s tweaked now 🙂

    Nothing too much new with me, Tom was briefly back in the picture, but it felt more with FWB than stepping towards a relationship, so I told him we could be friends. Who knows, maybe down the road he’ll step up, but I’ve taken crumbs for so long in relationships… I have to do better for myself. Talking to a few, friends with funny Mike too… we met for lunch, but agreed to start as friends. I can’t really read him, not sure what he wants. But, he’s nice, lives few blocks away and makes me laugh. Glad Hotpilot did well while you were gone. How do you feel…. it’s funny, I wonder when I finally get what I want, will I want it? I always say I don’t want drama, but when things start to even out, lose their excitement and newness… I wonder if I’ll still be happy.

    My ex leaves May 30th to go back to Afghanistan. We are reaching new ground as friends and co-parenting over issues that have come up. I feel so much relief over this. Will be good for me. His engagement is on hold, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t know what is going on with them.

    I’m working on me, counting calories, getting rid of clutter, walking, spending time with friends… but no big romance or sparks happening anywhere. It’s ok though, I’m so busy with work, worried about my ex and the girls….. things will be better in a few weeks.

    I like what you wrote! 🙂 I’m soo sooo happy you waited and resisted writing to him the last few weeks. What a wonderful example of what leaning back can do. I’m inspired!

  262.  #262kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:07 am


    Thanks so much. But about Jilly, I didn’t feel triggered. It felt romantic to me that he was asking about her. I think she should give him a chance.

  263.  #263tinque on May 18, 2011 at 11:10 am

    lots of faith kaityln, lots….Brava!!!


  264.  #264Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 11:11 am

    257: Kaitlyn!

    I am positively peeing my pants here! Seriously!

    Can you hear me?? Minnesota to LA???

    Do not let your BFF take your vibe down.


  265.  #265Mel on May 18, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Thanks Tinque! I will give this a try. I think I’m being pessimistic to protect myself. I don’t want to be hurt I guess.

  266.  #266KS on May 18, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Hmmmm….curious about what you suggested to Mel. So just HOW do you change your energy so it dosent weigh so heavily on someone else?

    Ok….I feel stupid even asking this.. 🙁

  267.  #267kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:16 am

    omg looking at a recent pic of him. he is hot sh1t! and i love how he’s not your traditional good looking. he just looks like a guy. i love it!

  268.  #268tinque on May 18, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Yeah Mel, been there, but it doesn’t help you at all; if anything it brings your energy as well as you down.


  269.  #269turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 11:22 am


    One suggestion…. try to let go of the Christmas present thing, and make a fresh start with him. This is so wonderful, he’s leaned forward, opened the door and asked to see you. Sometimes the past is best left there, and not worth bringing the vibe down. I still think you BFF has feelings for you. Don’t let him get you down!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  270.  #270kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:24 am


    Piss in my mouth. Kidding! (maybe not. 🙂 )

    yeah, i feel so annoyed and discredited by hearing my bff say, basically, i’m not strong enough to put myself first for me. for my career. yes, adam is the jealous type and the docu requires a lot of social networking and parties. it’s the art/creative world. i don’t flirt, but there is banter right there for everyone to read. my bff is worried i’ll hold back on that to spare adam’s feelings. i won’t. if it came down to career or adam, guess what…adam can suck it.

  271.  #271Island Girl on May 18, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Awww kaitlyn! I am so happy for you!

    It really shows that leaning back works. 🙂 I’m having a very hard time with that since my sweetie is soo busy and he is used to me… well, being the boy in so many ways. I don’t want to be the boy because it always ends up with me feeling disappointed, confused and frustrated. Plus, I’m not a boy. 😉 And he really makes such a nice one.
    It’s just those darn oars! They keep talking to me. 😉

  272.  #272kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:30 am

    269 Tourq,

    you don’t know my bff and I. He does not feel that way about me. Nor do I about him. That’s not how we are, and he’s the type of guy who has no probs getting dates and/or relationships; therefore he’s not the sad sack type to wait around and pine, hoping some girl will come around after 10 years of friendship.

    and i agree on the xmas present. even my bff said some things i’m just going to have to let go of. he said, “persoanlly, i wouldn’t let go of someone not picking up a gift i sent them or promising me one and never keeping their word on it. but if you truly want him back, you’re gonna have to let go of that and not bring it up at all.”

  273.  #273Island Girl on May 18, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Tinque – I second KS’s question. 🙂 Do you have any tips on how to change your energy? I understand the theory, but…. it’s just so difficult.

  274.  #274kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:34 am

    271 Island Girl,

    Thanks. It feels easier being the girl and leaning back with a new guy than it does with a current guy who’s used to you being in boy mode. I’ve always been curious on what’s the solution?

    Is it better to lean back cold turkey? Or lean back baby steps?

  275.  #275tinque on May 18, 2011 at 11:38 am

    KS and Island Girl – Not a stupid question at all and not necessarily an easy, just snap your fingers and there it is kind of thing.

    Doing all you do with RR’s tools, leaning back, dealing with your nvs or what I call gremlin voices, opening your heart, melting, filling your life with things you love, people, activities, work, being good to yourself, patient and gentle, one or all of these changes your energy.

    The more you change in these respects, the more you energy changes.

    Make better sense?


  276.  #276kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:39 am

    272 I meant my bff said someone who did that, he wouldn’t let it go.

  277.  #277tinque on May 18, 2011 at 11:41 am

    May I share? I just received this not quite yet released article of which I am a participant. I feel so excited, more so because I’ve been feeling rather sad sacky due to minor eye surgery yesterday compounded with whacking the other eye on the bedstead just hours before giving me a sympathy shiner.


  278.  #278Island Girl on May 18, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Hi kaitlyn — I wish I knew 🙂 I just know we can’t keep doing it the way we have been. So far I’ve been leaning back with just a little forward leaning (which was actually helpful) and I’m now just trying to lean back again.
    My vibe is what I really need to work on now. There are a lot of other things that are pulling it down (work, pms ;-), ‘friends’) so I’m just trying to dial it up a bit.
    Funny, but Adam writing to you helps me too. 🙂

  279.  #279Leo on May 18, 2011 at 11:44 am

    @ 164 ZD

    Ugh thats quite a long time to be apart…
    But I believe that you will get through it well!

    Since I have last posted a couple more cute things have happened.
    On monday we were talking on the phone for like 15 to 20 minutes. Which is totally “okay”-time for me. I mean, during the work week, its enough to talk and chat a little but its not only a “check up call” of two minutes. So i felt totally happy about it. And then he said… “alright honey, i need to go to bed. But tomorrow, i’ll take time to talk more, I promise!!! ”
    I thought this was so cute… There were moments lately were I wished for him to call even for a minute…and now this… Awesome!

    And even better…
    The next night I was working on school stuff later into the night and I saw on the IM that he had been there and then left the PC. So i thought, well maybe he already went to bed. My mind was already spinning and telling me stupid things. I was about to get all wrapped up and mad and sad. I felt good about him saying this the day before, but it doesnt count as much when he doesnt go through with it.
    But…i did nothing. I just kept working on my stuff. And then…he send me a message asking me to call him if i got time right now. And I did…and we talked for over a half an hour.

    I felt so happy that I did lean back…
    Awesome 🙂

    Like this…i am very much looking forward to the weekend with him (maybe even seeing him already tomorrow) so that I can practice some more.
    I just feel that its gonna be a great weekend. For I will create a great one for myself despite whatever he does or say 🙂

    Greetings to everyone!

  280.  #280kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:53 am

    My girl friend is taking me out for a girl day. Spa treatments!!!! I feel very special. It’s her bday gift to me. Alrighty, off to revel in that Siren vibe.

  281.  #281Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Kaitlyn for the first time I feel like I am experiencing you. You feel so good right now and I am so happy that you are able to share some successes here. Both with your bff and your Adam. No one is perfect but it just goes to show that we can inspire change when we change ourselves.

  282.  #282Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Mel I am rooting for you too.

  283.  #283KS on May 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    WOW! You hit the bigtime. Thanks for sharing. That was awesome!!!! Loved it. Saved to my favs so I can finish reading the whole thing. 🙂

  284.  #284Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    kaitlyn flirt with every guy you can while you are out to raise your vibe even more.

  285.  #285Mel on May 18, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Re: 282

    Thank FW! 🙂

    It feels good to have someone in my corner!

  286.  #286KS on May 18, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Anyone have any tools or links to help deal with NV’s specifically? Seems that is what fills my head the majority of my waking moments. Would LOVE to get a handle on this. Thanks!

  287.  #287kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm


    I just flirted with a tranny.

  288.  #288Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 12:14 pm


    Too funny! LOL!!!

    Nice job flirting with the tranny. Have fun at the spa!


  289.  #289KS on May 18, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Just so you know I have followed your story. I pray for you and send you love throughout your journey. Don’t comment specifically to you though because it reminds me of very similar situations with my husband and I don’t want to project that onto you or your situation. Make sense? Anyway….I will continue to support you silently unless I feel I can jump in without lugging MY baggage into it. 🙂

    Personally I think your doing great. Keep it up!

  290.  #290Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Pissed peeved and pouty.

  291.  #291Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Posting a paste from Tinque’s article for Lucy who I believe still does not have her computer working

    “Why are SO you confused?

    It’s fear. Anything that doesn’t feel like love comes back to fear. And it’s okay to feel fear as long as it’s not getting in your way. It CAN give you an opportunity to sit back, really sink into and feel what you feel.

    When you allow your feelings, it gives them space to move on through you unimpeded so that not only do they not stay stuck within you and thus fester, hurting you in insidious ways, you can also gain more clarity.

    Your confusion can also mean there’s a message for you or a lesson to learn. He may or may not be the one for you, BUT he does carry important information for you.

    Is he mirroring something within you which needs attention? Or is he maybe the one after all?

    And it could very well be both for love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed. Please remember this. It’s important.

    I suggest taking a really good, hard look at your inner turmoil. Try sleeping on it. Literally. Before dozing off, sink into your confusion, your good feeling feelings as well as your bad feeling ones, and ask your higher self for guidance. See if a glimmer of a thought, an idea, or anything comes to you by morning.

    I was always confused when it came to men. I usually succumbed to the man’s desires, not listening to my own. And really, this is okay. This was my path. This might have been yours too. I learned. So have/will you.

    It’s a good thing to question old patterns. It’s healing and uplifting upending old belief systems.

    When your head and heart are in alignment, you will have a better sense. Your true intuition will be able to guide you more cleanly.”

  292.  #292Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Aww Lucy

  293.  #293Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    RE 287 Kaitlyn shine your light so the world can see the real you.

  294.  #294Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
    but that we are powerful beyond measure.

    It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
    We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
    gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

    Actually, who are you not to be?
    You are a child of God.

    Your playing small does not serve the world.
    There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
    so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

    We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
    It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

    And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
    other people permission to do the same.
    As we are liberated from our fear,
    our presence automatically liberates others.

  295.  #295Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 12:25 pm


    That’s our girl!!

    Feel better, Tinque.


  296.  #296Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Doesn’t the blog feel light and airy today. Not one trigger.

  297.  #297kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I confess, there was a bit of leaning fwd on my part to get Adam to write me.

    The other day, I posted a pic of some random stuff off 4chan. He put LIKE. I figured, screw it, I’ll bite.

    So, I commented on a music vid he just posted from a band I like. Not only did I LIKE it but I went a step further (which I’ve never done before when we’ve done our whole LIKE/LIKE biz.) I commented on the vid. It’s actually a band I’ve loved a long time that most people don’t know about. An hour later, he wrote me thru fb message. Wow, thank you obscure band.

  298.  #298Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    The one I had hoped would eventually come back and want me just announced “in a relationship with…” on fb (and he is not one to do this lightly)… and now I feel like canceling the promising date planned for this weekend bc I feel heartbroken. 🙁

  299.  #299Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Tinque sorry to hear you are hurting, feel better and thanks for sharing that article. It was great reading. I am concerned though that Lucy will out on it.

  300.  #300Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    RE 298 You would be a rockstar if you didn’t.

  301.  #301Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    FW, I have never been able to fake lightness and happiness when I feel bad – and if it’s obvious to my date that I feel bad and he asks why, I won’t know what to say. And even if he doesn’t ask why, he will see me at my worst and be turned off (this is a first mtg so it will be first impression).

  302.  #302Lily T. on May 18, 2011 at 12:46 pm


    This guy just announced publicly he’s in a relationship, but still has a date scheduled with you this weekend? Is that odd?

  303.  #303Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm


    Honestly, Luce. I would cancel it if I wasn’t feeling up to par emotionally; in this case, I think it’s best for both of you but most importantly, for you.

    I’m sorry, girl.


  304.  #304tinque on May 18, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Thank you Lilybelly…muah


  305.  #305tinque on May 18, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Hugs and love Lucy.


  306.  #306Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Thanks Tinque, Lil, Lil, FW. (Lil T. – it’s a different guy.)

  307.  #307Lily T. on May 18, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Oh I see. Sorry Lucy. :9

  308.  #308Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    I am curious though Luce, it seems first meeting and him coming back doesn’t make sense to me?

  309.  #309Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    RE 298 Or are you talking about two different guys there?

  310.  #310LD on May 18, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    oh, Lucy sorry about the FB thing. I know that sucks to see on your news feed.

  311.  #311LD on May 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm


    Maybe it would raise your vibe to keep the date? I mean you are CDing in the first place because the other guy didn’t step up. And yeah it sucks that he stepped up for someone else. But maybe a date with a new guy is just what you need to feel better. I don’t think there is anything wrong with seeing him even if your vibe is low. You can be real and authentic and tell him you’re not having the best day and see how he deals with that. You don’t have to tell him why. Be open to being surprised and he mayn surprise you!

  312.  #312Mel on May 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Thanks KS! Hugs to you too. 🙂

  313.  #313JennS on May 18, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    “the more you change, the more he will”
    I like that.. can you explain a bit more? as today has been a bit tough…

    I am feeling a bit sad.. and just having a hard time dealing with every day keeping strong and being a strong open energy… I miss being with x and I know he needs space.. but it is hard to have those feelings of loss..and that need for the “fix”
    I did text last night just a hey hope all is well.. I felt good doing it.. and truly had no expectations.. but I guess I did.. otherwise I wouldn’t have been beating myself up today about it…the leaning wayyyy back is hard.

  314.  #314LD on May 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm


    I met D for the first time and I was having a low vibe day because of issues with ministerCD. I really didn’t feel like meeting him at all but figured I’d go for one drink and then go home. We ended up talking until 1am and closed the bar down.

    A month later, D and I had been seeing each other 3-4 times a week and talking every day and he was really stepping up. He went out of town and ministerCD asked me for a date and I agreed even though I was already kind of zeroed in on D then. But D hadn’t asked me for exclusivity yet, so I knew I should still CD. I really didn’t feel like going on that date, but I did and surprisingly had a really good time with ministerCD. It also raised my vibe and made D realize that he wanted to take me off the market.

    The point is, it is possible to enjoy yourself on a date even when your mind is on someone else. Just be present in the moment and stay open to being surprised and see what happens…

  315.  #315Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    RE 311 I like that. It might even provide a mirror or a way to look at a how to let go of an outcome.

  316.  #316Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    213: Rosa

    You are a very talented writer. Your words flow and slip and pop prettily 🙂

    I love the word ‘eventuate.” I’m going to use it!

  317.  #317Mel on May 18, 2011 at 2:17 pm


    It’s hard, but you can do it! Some days are worse than others, but it will get better.

  318.  #318Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I know it is JennS and that’s why I try to be gentle on myself for when I lean forward. I have tomorrow to try to get it right.

    Those were Tinque’s words I cut and paste so I assume she will explain. However, what I have come to realize is that when dealing with a great/good man he tends to want to make you happy. I for instance have lean forward into the masculine role which have caused guys to step back a bit. I have also noticed when I lean back and wait they tend to notice and try again. Leaning back in my mind is me changing. When I focus on myself and just enjoy the date instead of talking about the relationship they tend to bring it up and make future plans. Me changing myself takes pressure off of them and allows them to do what they want.

    I have changed also in terms of how I speak. I tended to use the “you” blaming framing and criticizing a lot. I have consciously changed that and I find that my relationships are better. Just recently I was talking to one guy and another was passing. He immediately called out to him, looked at me and started a conversation. Normally I would have called him out on it but I just looked at him and just walked away. He immediately came running after me, asked if that was impolite and apologized. I told he should decide for himself if it was impolite. My point is when you are dealing with someone who knows what to expect from you and that does not happen they tend to sit up and take notice.

    I encourage you to do EFT tapping on the feelings. It has helped me tremendously to release some sadness and open up my heart. I sometimes find myself talking to myself in my mind “I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself”. This has helped me energy to soften a whole lot to the point where I even feel safe with myself lol.

  319.  #319Meemee on May 18, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    I am back from home after spending ten days with my parents.
    Couldnt check the blog
    Missed you guys a lot.
    Just catching up the posts.

    Today I went to my university libray and heard that X is appointed as an assistant professor.
    I felt very bad hearing this.
    A man of my age and my qualification, he has not even got a journal publication!!! Heard there were some dirty internal politics and games involved in this.

    Assistant Professor!!!!
    I feel really bad. Never felt like this before on anyone’s achievements
    May be i am taking it personally- that when I was struggling with health and hospital issues, he was busy securing his power and position!!!!
    I dont know why I feel so upset about this news. But I do feel upset angry and agitated.

  320.  #320Meemee on May 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I am feeling very very upset and angry and agitated.
    Feel really really negative feelings
    Dont know what to do with such feelings

  321.  #321Mel on May 18, 2011 at 2:32 pm


    About those nagging thoughts and “gremlins” as Tinque calls them…

    I’ve been having a hard time with this as well. I’ve been reading a good book lately. In it, the author says that sometimes anxious thoughts can feel like being caught up in a rapid river headed toward a waterfall. It can feel like you have no control over them. If you let them carry you away, it gets worse and worse. But if you can get out of the current and sit beside the side of the river for a bit and just “observe” your feelings, it will help bring more clarity to the situation. If you can say things aloud to yourself, it works better. I feel my stomach in knots. My hands are shaking. I’m scared that I will be left alone. I’m feeling hurt and confused.

    I have found that this helps (at least a little).

  322.  #322Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Mel haven’t you tried the EFT tapping on beliefs and feelings? I have found it has helped me tremendously. It was in the Interview and there was a post about it recently.

  323.  #323JennS on May 18, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    thanks.. yea.. today I lean back and just let go.. I also know that all the negative voices in my head are saying that I did something wrong.. so truly, I could embrace that and say.. no.. I did what felt ok to do and some people like to know someone is thinking about them…I just feel like I had the upperhand a few days ago and now I don;t. it’s my fault.

  324.  #324Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Wow. I do like the vibe here today. It’s gentle and supportive and reflective.

    Tinque – kisses on your eyes. poor eyes!

    Lucy – I say go on the date for the reasons LD stated. Raise that vibe, darlin’!

    Brenda- Glad you have a place to stay!

    Turquoise – I was not aware your ex was headed back to Afghanistan. My prayers for your children especially, but for you too. I can’t even imagine how that must feel. I used to joke that I wished for a “well-timed city bus” to come by and take care of my ex, but now that we are good co-parents finally, I can honestly say that I wish him no harm for my kids’ sake ever. I just…can’t imagine having my kids’ dad be around the world and how I would feel having to parent them alone like that and what the psychological stress would be on the kids. Hang in there.

    Kaitlyn – Yay! ‘Nuff said. OK, one more thing: just be cool. Stay cool. Keep cool.

    FW: Just…hi! 🙂

    Mel: I feel your anxiety about your anniversary, and I have been there. You are in my thoughts.

    Jilly: Welcome back, girl! Turquoise was right–much drama here–but the vibe now is nice, I think.

    Lillybelle: Who’s flirting with trannies? What did I miss????

  325.  #325tinque on May 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    “the more you change, the more he will”

    You’ve heard of the butterfly effect. When a butterfly flaps its wings, it create repercussions or a ripple effect felt by eventually by all.

    So as you heal, let things go, grow. and blossom, your energy shifts affect those around you.

    You give them the space and maybe even the inspiration to heal as well. Often this is mostly on an unconscious level.

    Those who are resistant to change, those not ready, will end up falling by your wayside. The rest will more and more closely align with you.


  326.  #326Mel on May 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm


    My husband texted to say that he’s grabbing dinner with girl from work. Yuck. I feel panicy. I feel jealous. I feel uncomfortable. I don’t like one-on-one “dates” with other women. Maybe this is just me being unreasonable. But I hate it.

    I texted back: “I’m feeling uncomfortable. This is my anxiety. But thanks for being honest.”

    He texted back: “You’re welcome. There’s no need to worry!”

    I still feel bad. Now I am feeling sad and alone.

  327.  #327LD on May 18, 2011 at 2:40 pm


    maybe you feel like x doesn’t deserve to have success and happiness after the way he treated you. I remember many years ago when my exH ruined our marriage and family through serial infidelity and left me to raise my kids alone. When he remarried and had more children I felt so so angry for so long. It didn’t seem fair that I had to be alone and raise our kids without his help and that he could just move on to start another family with someone else and be happy. After all he had done to me, I felt that if one of us deserved to find new happiness, it was me and not him. When he did and I didn’t, I felt angry and resentful of him.

    Maybe X’s career success is making you feel similar feelings?

  328.  #328Virginia Feingold Clark on May 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    The first kiss…so wonderful at any time when you are with the right man.

  329.  #329JennS on May 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Thanks for the clarification..
    I feel like I have given him great space to do what he needs and I am taking care of myself.. he even thanked me in a text that was surpriseing.. but then I go ahead and texted hey hope you are good.. two days later.. so I feel bad and pissed at myself.. but hopefully he won’t look at that as anything more than just a freiendly hi.. ugh.. I get what this quote is about.. as FW said.. toady is another day and I can do it..

  330.  #330LD on May 18, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    I’m finding it so odd that the more my vibe raises, the worse things are going with my job. I did state my intention to have the job that would make me the happiest, so maybe all of the stuff happening now is to help me make the decision to leave so that there is room for a new opportunity?

    I do know as focused as I was just a month ago on my job, I wouldn’t have noticed if I’d won the lottery or the greatest job in the world fell right in my lap. Maybe I needed my focus to be broken so I could be open to something new? It’s almost like when the clouds on my relationship judgment started to clear, they cleared from my career judgment as well. Does that make sense? HMMMM…

    It would be so nice to be able to make decent money AND love my job AND have the flexibility and freedom to spend quality time with my family and D.

  331.  #331Meemee on May 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    I dont know why I feel so. May be I am jealous??
    May be you are right.
    I deserve happiness and success at this moment, not him.
    Also I know if someone who does not even have his PhD aquired a professor position, there is lots of political game involved. That makes me feel sick. That I was struggling with the issues that was was partly created because of him and all that while he was busy into these games of power.
    That makes me feel like a loser.

    And thats just a feeling.
    I am sure this will fade.

  332.  #332JennS on May 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    I find that when that happens.. what doesn’t match your vibe doesn’t stick around.. much like people.. we change , we grow, we give off a vibe and clear the crap from our lives and that which is stale.. like your job.. starts to be a problem.. yes,, it is a sign that perhaps you deserve a better job and one that you may need to take a risk and give up this in order to receive.. it’s the same thing as leaning back and letting go of control.. 😉 hope that helps..

  333.  #333Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Well, I think my days of 17 CDs at a time are behind me (what was I thinking???), but I am still actively meeting and seeing a few men. Much more manageable!

    I like IndyMan. I would have normally not gone past a second date with “a man like that,” (gentle, quiet, introverted) out of fear that he would not like “a woman like me” (irreverent, chatty, extroverted). The classic preemptive strike: break it off with him before he has a chance (inevitably) to break it off with me. I’m so glad I gave him a second date. Actually, our two dates have been more like six since he comes from two hours away and we spend whole days together. But it’s still early, and I am not “counting my chickens before they rip my lips off” as my mother used to say. But I like his gentle way–and I’m discovering he has an energetic and adventurous side I would not have seen and enjoyed had I assumed things about his personality. I am pleased. I am learning. And he thinks I’m “glorious,” so he definitely gets points for that. He makes me feel lovely and liked just the way I am. He likes my rockstar vibe a lot.

    Then there’s a new potential CD, QurkyCutie, who has a PhD in aeronautical engineering and who quotes Tolkien to me! Be still my heart! We have not met, as he’s out of state working on his MBA in a part-time program (I loooooooove educated men). But he’ll be back next week and we’re going to meet. I’ve been limiting the time we talk out of necessity–spring is baseball/soccer/graduation/birthday season after all–but also out of a desire to not let the faux-intimacy build. Lots of men I encounter online adore me (for what they think I am) before they meet me, but they do not often click with real me. So I am aware and trying not to get ahead of ourselves. He makes me feel safe about bringing out my nerdy personality traits that other men don’t understand (I look like a cheerleader and they expect a cheerleader persona and not a big nerd and it confuses them).

    I am in this semi-happy, semi-confident, semi-sure-of-myself frame of mind right now, but it’s more confident/sure/happy than semi, I think. I’m cautious, but optimistic.

    I just wanted to get that down in black and white to wrap my head around how I’m feeling about these two men and myself right now. I am tapping to FW’s “I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

  334.  #334tinque on May 18, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Yes JennS, I hear you, but beating yourself up for something you can’t take back is kind of silly, isn’t it? Best to shrug, tell yourself you didn’t do anything wrong or bad which you didn’t at all by the way, and carry on.

    Maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t a little leaning forwardy, so what?


  335.  #335tinque on May 18, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Not odd at all LD. Makes perfect sense to me.


  336.  #336Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Mel I would say consider that he did not have to tell you. Also why are you calling it a date? Is this a girl who he constantly talks about? Would you have felt better not knowing as in ignorance is bliss?

  337.  #337DE on May 18, 2011 at 3:06 pm


    The feelings you expressed about work and your vibe…hit home for me…because I’ve been feeling the same way. In addition to, I also have feeling(s) of entrapment …due to my son’s medical conditions and fear of not having adequate medical care for him should I quit and try to pursue what my heart desires…I am still processing all …brain and heart…I came across this story below and it touched me profoundly…

    ~”A Greek myth can help us understand the freedom that comes with power of choice.
    In the Underworld, Sisyphus was condemned to roll a large stone up a hill from which it always rolled down again. Realistically, he was trapped in an endless cycle of rolling the stone. When he perceived himself to be imprisoned by the curse, he was a victim.

    At one point, however, he turned the tables — he changed his mind and decided to CHOOSE to roll the stone up the hill. In doing so, he empowered himself and defused the curse.”


    Although I feel “condemned” to roll up the “stone” and “do” this job although I really don’t like it no more….I somehow have to heal the part of me that feels guilty and entrapped …and purposefully “Choose” to do my job…and I believe only then I will be free from this self-condemnation…and I will create a better reality for myself …:(

    I believe in a breakthrough coming up soon though…hmm…i feel scared saying it…cause right now it sure feels unrealistic…arghh…negative voices…tears 🙁

    Warm hugs,

  338.  #338Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 3:07 pm


    “It would be so nice to be able to make decent money AND love my job AND have the flexibility and freedom to spend quality time with my family and D.”

    Yes, BALANCE!

    I too am in a job that does not afford me as much as I would like. It’s golden handcuffs. Good money to care for my kids, but low on challenge or excitement. I have focused on being grateful for the job and the income and am making plans for when my life frees up a bit.

    You are a stellar woman! You will find that balance. Express your gratitude, look for baby step solutions, and live a great, full life outside of work.

    Thoughtful hugs to you…

  339.  #339Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    RE 326 Does anyone else have any feeling about it?

  340.  #340Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Mel, I’m not one to ask. I would not be at all happy with my husband having plans with other women when he said he’d be home with me. I hesitate to say anything here, because I do not always share the opinions of the ladies here about changing you to change him. You need to change you for YOU. Whether he changes, you can’t control. But I do not like how he treats you AT ALL. I would have a serious issue with this incident. But it is a marriage and not just a CD, so the stakes are high and real.

    I’m sorry–wish I could be all sweetness and light, but if you two were on Dr. Phil, he’d be ripping hubby a new one over some of his antics. He might say at best your husband is being emotionally dishonest with you and is finding solace outside the marriage when he ends to work on the marriage. I think. Sigh.

    Hugs and only sincerest love to you. I hope I have not stirred the pot too much.

  341.  #341Boomer on May 18, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    when he “needs” to work….darn nails are too long.

  342.  #342JennS on May 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Thank you Tinque!!!
    By the way.. for all sirens…
    I have been listening NON STOP to – ‘A Little Bit Stronger” a fantastic country song.. Sarah evans.. I am certain it has helped through the letting go process..
    Download on Itunes and just listen and listen over and over.. it works..
    lemme know!! 🙂

  343.  #343Queenbee on May 18, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    mmmh, so interesting… so much stuff!

    Mum ‘fake invited’ me to a cocktail party that I said I would go to long before…. Then when Dad declined…. and she’s so hung up on him… she comes to me – and I’m like ‘ok’ – coz it matched something else in my diary – and she had me on a guilt trip last weekend coz I wouldn’t go to a concert with her.

    … though I don’t accept concerts that the inviter can’t describe…. coz I don’t want an anti-climax to my tuned ears… so that’s just how it is.

    So anyway, I accept the cocktail party at the last minute .. hate this! only did it coz of mum btw 🙁

    Then we get there and she had totally not informed me of the dress code! I bloody freaked out!!! I was so upset!! She knows I’m a ‘Diva Fashionista’ created by herself… and then she goes and does this!!

    Anyway, it allowed me to open up to her and share how I felt used and betrayed… not in those words exactly. But stuff that I would do for her and NOT for any man… the least she could’ve done was ‘prep’ me since it was a last minute deal and….

    Anyway, makes so much sense why ‘last minute’ just does not make the cut….

    So I stayed in the lobby for a while and drank much vino.

    Amazing stuff. My most favourite high profile speakers were at the event!!! Finally, I joined after the counsel of some bartender women… and the fact that I had drank enough wine to make me feel comfortable…

    They told me to relax and one statement that will always stick with me ‘MUMS ARE ALL THE SAME!’ LOLOmg! This could not be more true!! They sooo got me!!


    So it was still annoying… and though I feel better now… I mean, I did the best I could.

    There was one person who did the decor – it was in between cubism and impressionism… ouff!! what’s that period called?? – but it’s all about the Lines… and anyway, I figured out the decor/ feeling/ artistic expression I really want at my event next year.

    So I made contacts and some decisions.

    I was definitely in masculine energy today… and all with men and women asking me out on dates… so it was quite challenging in so many ways.

    Considering how I was feelin’ was just like ‘layin’ in bed/ curling up in bed all day and avoiding the world’.

    Then masculine stuff got in the way and got done and some feminine stuff too.

    It was a strange mix! I looked ‘gorjus and fantastico’ but not as feminine as “I” would envisage… though I got lots of stuff done.

    I do prefer being feminine through the whole process…

    But anyway… who’s complaining… it’s all practice…. It was an interesting day/ evening of masc and fem… ups and downs… expressing and feeling good/ bad … shifting the vibe/ sinking into feelings…

    Best thing is that mum admitted at the end of the evening that she was at fault and she ‘shoulda’ dealt with it ‘properly”.

    That felt so much better. At least I felt understood.

    The fact of getting ready like a Siren Diva Fashionista and gracing an event with my mum and practicing tools feels really good 🙂 🙂

    I mean outfit is outfit….

    At the same time, I feel okay that as our ‘imperfect’ selves we did what we could and the best we could.

    It’s so much learning about boundaries and feelings!

    What an absolutely great and fantastic event I was at! 🙂 That’s what feels good… and the vino, the fun and the convo… it’s okay that my outfit, ‘perfect vibe’ and feminine self (in my interpretation) didn’t match….

    It was what it was… and I can absolutely love myself through it all.

    Here’s to being a Siren Diva Fashionista and not letting anything come in the way of that!!

    Love to all!!


  344.  #344Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Yaaaaay! You want to hear a happy cat rescue story??

    Last night I found a grey cat. Today I took him to a vet to see if he had a microchip. His microchip reunited him with his family…HE HAD BEEN MISSING A WHOLE YEAR!!

    The family saw a grey cat dead on the road about a week after he was missing and thought it was theirs, so they stopped looking. Where I found the cat was ten miles away from his home!

    They are so elated, and so am I! I love stories with happy endings!

  345.  #345Queenbee on May 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    RE: 328 – I LOVE VFC!!! JUS’ LOVE HER!!!!

    So much more to share/ consider… not jus’ Siren Diva Fashionista stuff…

    Many questions on CDing coming up and ‘the Kiss’ – lol!

    Got asked out on dates today and many men at the Cocktail party kissed me ‘hello! hello’ style –

    Don’t like ‘ALL’ the Kisses… that’s why I LOVE what she says in 328….

    Though I would hate to be the woman talkin’ about HA man… it feels bad to me now 🙁 and that makes me feel sad… like OMG! How did I get here? Then all the tools and stuff…

    So I stay positive …. 🙂

    Love what LD is talking about.

    Been subscribing to Gina DeVee… LOVE what she does! I feel a bit triggered by her… but that is probably my own stuff… and I want to heal it for my own wealth consciousness and prosperity…

    What do you do when you truly FEEL that you were born for GREATER, BIGGER and MORE but somehow the reality of life seems to contradict it.

    I sometimes think it feels easier if you’re kinda resigned to ‘whatever…’

    But when Law of Attraction says …’you’ve attracted it!’ Then you’ re like OH NO!!! I HATE MYSELF!.. THIS FEELS LIKE SHI1T! I COULD NOT HAVE ATTRACTED IT!’ and on and on…

    But oh no, you did! And being okay with it. Not judging it as part of the process…. I believe is part of that dynamic, paradigm shift, twist that propels us into the future….

    So there…!

    Anyway, I’m going to bed.

    So much to ask about CDing and ‘the Kiss’ and how to deal when a ‘man comes back’ after months 🙁

    I would like to just shove him in the toilet and flush!!!!!! But that’s just me… It almost feels so bad that we can’t just do that…

    And now I’m in the midst of Rori tools (CDing and stuff)… I wanted it SOOO bad!

    Now that I have it… I’m like DAMMNIT!! Perhaps/ why wasn’t HA man ‘good enough’ for me… and what exactly am I supposed to be doing here???

    So here’s celebrating the love and support on Siren Island!!

    … and I’m now preparing myself for a two week travel/ vacation to the Big Apple… so that’s my what’s new/ what’ so.

    Let’s see what happens… coz I LOVE APPLES!!

    It would feel good to feel positive about this and let go of the plane ride and the ‘all sorts of’ from my previous and albeit fun experience living in the new world.


    …jus’ not me NOW… or so I think??

    Love to all!!


  346.  #346Mel on May 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm


    I guess it’s always been my belief that married people shouldn’t go out to dinner, coffee, etc. one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex. To me, it’s just not right. I know some would disagree, but to me it just feels bad. We’ve talked about this before. He knows how I feel but obviously doesn’t care.

    Of course I would rather him be honest about it. That’s why I said so. But he didn’t volunteer the information until I asked “Are you going alone?”

  347.  #347tinque on May 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Have to say I mostly agree with you on this one Mel. A quick cup ’cause you both happen to be there or to grab a bite at lunch ’cause no one else is going is one thing, but what you’re describing well…

    I do give him point though for saying clearly you have nothing to worry about.

  348.  #348Lisa from across the Pond on May 18, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Hi Everyone.. Not sure where I should post this question but this is the most recent entry:

    After grieving a toxic relationship, circular dating as best as I can, I met a wonderful nice guy about 3 months ago… his masculine energy hit me straight away.

    Hes loving, attentive, treats me well.. adores me, passionate, put his cards on the table and wants to live iwth me, marry me, have children etc etc…. BUT suddenly ‘I’ am the one with issues!

    I dont have the same feeling for him as i did with the toxic guy… there is no roller coaster which is good but for some reason I feel a lack. Ugh!

    We have spent lots of intense times together, are passionate, enjoy things together BUT that feeling is just not there! And I am confused by that! Am I being self-destructive becuase I have been hurt before, am I addicted to the ‘unavailable’ guy, am I the one that is suddenly ‘toxic’!

    I dont want to string this guy along, I have already met and got to know his family… Anyone have any advice on this one?

  349.  #349Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Crap. I wrote a long post in response to LD but then I remembered I can’t write much about this guy bc he might be reading here. 🙁 That sucks bc I’m really hurting and wanting help. I will edit out what I think I should and post the rest….

    LD, thanks. I’ve gone on dates before when another guy was on my mind, but this is different in that the other guy is totally out of the picture and off the market now and I feel a sense of grieving…with anger and irritability as well as sadness and on the verge of tears.

    I think in the back of my mind I always hoped and even believed that he was the one and would eventually come back. I feel very depressed. I had gotten excited seeing Adam coming toward Kaitlyn again after all her anguish, and it made me even more hopeful that the guy I wanted would come back too. Now the hope is gone and I feel devastated.

    Before I heard this news today, I had felt both excited and terrified about this weekend’s date (let’s call him G). I had a lot of mixed feelings and thoughts:

    (I edited out all the feelings and thoughts I had listed!! I also edited out the new feelings and thoughts I have about this weekend since getting the news about WH, except these, below:)

    If I meet G this weekend and he doesn’t like me, he will stop our cyber connection and then I will have two losses in one week. 🙁 I will be even more depressed then. (We have a great cyber connection now – lots of goodness and love.)

    And my countenance always reflects my deepest feelings.

    And I do not look pretty when I am hurting, sad, and angry.

    According to my mother I only look beautiful when I’m happy and smiling.

    And G would be coming quite a distance. It doesn’t seem right to let him come when I will be horrible company.

    I feel like crawling in a hole and giving up.

    I am beginning to think I’m not cut out for this love business.

  350.  #350Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Lisa from across the pond,

    That is exactly the situation I’m afraid of getting into.

    That’s how I felt about the man I married – everything was great but I just didn’t feel a spark.

    I married him anyway, thinking he was “good for me” and “safe” and “not toxic” and “healthy” and that the lack of spark was due to how healthy and safe he was.

    But it was a disaster. Lasted 15 years then ended horribly.

    I am afraid of repeating that with a guy with no spark.

  351.  #351gina on May 18, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    More processing:

    I believe he took great care of “the relationship” and he did everything “right” and I appreciated it very much. But I did not feel like I was cared for as an individual with feelings and desires separate from his.


    And the result was that I felt turned off in general. and yet guilty about it. I felt lonely during sex. I felt angry and dissapointed.

    When I came to speak to him about how turned off I was feeling about sex, I really wish I had been warm and reassuring. I really wish I had “leaned forward” I guess, because I was trying to lean back, and I think I was actually resisting the desire I had to sit on his lap and look in his eyes and let him know that I wanted so much to connect with him. Instead I sat back and watched as he became so defeated and sulky and sad, and then I left. And I feel very bad about that – I wish I had taken better care of him during that conversation.

    Because after that conversation, instead of him tuning in, he tuned out more and more. He stopped taking care of the relationship, and started treating me badly. And it got progressively worse and worse, and now there’s nothing – he even deleted all photographs of the two of us on Facebook. And it feels sad and weird and bad.

    I look forward to something new and better and different.

  352.  #352Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Mel, I agree with Tinque. Although I don’t take any comfort in him saying you have nothing to worry about. I think he would say that whether it was true or not.

    I would not be okay with the situation.

    Is he okay with you going to dinner with other men?

  353.  #353Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    Gotta go. Will catch up later.

    I feel like smashing things.

  354.  #354Ella on May 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm


    Thank you for addressing me in your post.

    I love the way you write to me, it feels very loving and accepting and so I am able to take wisdom from it because of this.

    I feel seen, heard and understood so thank you.

    And it gives me hope that I can become as wise and graceful Siren as you one day.


  355.  #355Turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Brenda, that is great about the cat!!! Yeah!!! 🙂 What a wonderful story. Poor thing… to be outside for a year.

    Boomer, I used to think those thoughts too… and LD, I totally relate, my ex left us, and moved on with his life. Then, met a girl and proposed after a year of dating long distance… and here I was raising our kids completely by myself. It sucked. BUT, I’ve learned and processed a lot, and honestly, haven’t dated anyone I’d have been happy with in a marriage. My ex’s relationship is on the rocks, they probably won’t get married, and it’s now been over 3 years they spent in a long distance relationship.

    But Boomer, it is so hard knowing he is in danger. Regardless of how bad things got, he’s been a huge part of my life. We were together a really long time, and he was the love of my life once upon a time. It’s terrifying to think that when he leaves, it could be the last time I see him, and he’s not even mine anymore. I worry for the girls, what it would do to them if he didn’t come home. They would be devestated, it would change their lives forever. This is his third deployment since we’ve been separated, he will have been overseas 3 of the last 6 years. It’s just too much.

    To be honest, I’ve always had a positive attitude, but being a military wife, you have to go beyond that to get through. You have to almost be in denial that anything bad will happen to you. That no matter the situation, there is a positive to it. It made me very strong, and I’m glad for that. This deployment will only be a little over 4 months, thank goodness. I could sit here and complain that he’ll miss another summer with them, I won’t get free time to do something fun for myself, it’s not fair to the kids, he won’t be here, etc. But I can’t. He works 18-20 hour days there. They eat crappy food, it’s 140 degrees. They don’t get a day off, they are in mortal danger. He has to prepare a will before he goes. Some of his soldiers will attempt suicide before they leave, and while there. He may lose more friends. There is nothing in my life that even compares with what they go through. So, no matter what could be better in my life, I’m enternally grateful for what I have. Sometimes I think I must come across as too easy going, too relaxed. That men see me as not being difficult in a bad way… but I just don’t have a choice. I have had no control over such a huge part of my adult life, that I had to adapt. The army moves you where they want, when they want, and you go. They send your spouse away, whether it’s good timing for you, whether you are pregnant, it’s your birthday or anniversary… you are on your own, you take care of the bills, the house, the kids, all by yourself. My personality, is a result of how I lived for so long, and even how I am now as a single mom. Men always tell me how nice and normal I am, but I’m so adaptable to everything it looks like lack of boundaries. I don’t know how to change that now, to even be demanding. Help!!!!

  356.  #356Turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 5:07 pm


    Any work people you could start going out with after work? Do you have a car yet? I’d be calling a cab and checking up on him. I think it’s total crap. He’s too busy to come home from work at a decent time tonight, but he has time to go to dinner with another woman. He isn’t making being with you a priority. How long is this going to be ok for you? Do you have a final straw thing that has to happen? My ex admitted to trying to push me away at the end of our marriage, of purposely trying to sabatoge us because he didn’t want to be the bad guy. Does he tell you he loves you? Have you felt close or connected lately? Grabbing a quick sandwich with a coworker wouldn’t be a problem if you felt secure in your marriage.

    Sometimes I just think this is all too hard. Lucy, I totally get how you feel. I think you should keep the date. The other guy isn’t the one, or right now isn’t the time for you two. Staying home and feeling lousy isn’t going to change that. I say keep the date, wear something sireny, get your mind off this and onto someone else.


  357.  #357Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Right, what is on your mind Ella?

    What is it that you so much wanted, and were trying to say… lets explore.

    I am not ready for a relationship, but all the work I have been doing for the last year has been me working towards being ready.

    Not quite… no… I am not sure whether I am ready for a real relationship, I do want one, and I am working to be ready so that I can handle it when it shows up. I am not sure anyone can ever be 100% sure they are ready, but I can be honest, and I am ready to work through stuff as it comes up.

    So maybe I am more ready than I thought?

    Maybe it would be better to say ‘I have doubts and fears too!’

    That feels more authentic and true.

    Cus so far it seems to have come across me saying I don’t want a relationship, which is not true!

    And I have felt frustrated because I have not been sure what it is I wanted to get across… and so it has kept coming out wrong!

    Ok here, how about this.

    I do want a relationship and not just a quick fix, instant relationship for the sake of it. I do have doubts and fears and in all honesty I couldn’t say for sure I am ready for real intimacy, however I intend to be and I am open and honest and ready to work through stuff.

    YES! that is it. That is the one!!!

    That is the reply I wish I had had, and the thing I have been itching to say ever since.

    Is it important that I HAVE to say it now? Or even anytime soon?

    No, not really. Esp if it is not the right time.

    Do I want to communicate this?


    Am I trying to control and cause an outcome by forcing it just cus I feel an urge to say it?


    And I have done that in the past and it has felt bad!

    So, the answer.

    Well that is my truth, maybe get to know it and then when the opportunity does come up again, express it.

    And my fear?

    That the opportunity won’t come up.

    But it will IF it is supposed to. Generally they do when there is something unexpressed.

    Or everything morphes and changes in a way I couldn’t even imagine and it is no longer relevant.

    Yes I feel happier with that.


  358.  #358Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    I am feeling very selfish on the blog right now, like I am always here with big drama, offloading and processing, and not really offering much or supporting other Sirens much.

    Just to say I feel guilty about this right now and it is simply because I am having a very triggerific time right now with so much to process.

    It will feel good to gently (oh I hope) move on through this time with my horse and emerge on the other side and be able to contribute and offer love and support to other Sirens again.

    I love you all!


  359.  #359Turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    It’s ok Ella. We all have days like that. You do offer support! We hear it 🙂

    New guy writing to me on POF, not really my type, but what he wrote he is looking for, sounds totally like me. I feel like I might have someone similar to Boomer’s nice guy. He lives an hour away, he’s a CPA (can we get more opposite than my soldier/cop type I love?) decent looking, 40, positive attitude, love to travel… sounds like I could like him…. crap. Ok, if I want to be in love, then I have to learn to choose from the men who can love me. Not the unavailable toxic ones that I love to love. Do I want to be in love, or do I want to love someone else? I want to be in love with someone. Someday. That may not be right now. Maybe I’m still not really ready. Crap.

  360.  #360Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Thanks Camile. It feels good to hear that you get how i feel. I think I really thought WH was gonna come back soon – and that we would have a fun summer together. 🙁

  361.  #361Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm


    I too would feel uncomfortable about husband going for dinner with girl from work. Regardless of whether it is reasonable or not.

    I might say ‘Thank you for being honest and I am feeling very uncomfortable’.

    A similar thing happened to me with my ex where he started spending a lot of time with a girl from work.

    I became very jealous and anxious.

    Not attractive.

    I wish I had had the tools then to be able to express how I felt in a non blaming way and stand up for myself without making him wrong!

    But then, I wouldn’t be here now… in my fabolous life! Which is sooooo much better for me than when I was living it with him!

    Hmmm, interesting point for me, sometimes the things I cling to are not always the things that are best for me!

    I feel fascinated by this.

    Anyway Mel HUGS and you are doing brilliantly handling things. I have been following you on the blog for a while!


  362.  #362Scarlet on May 18, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    I will kiss a man on the first date if I feel attracted to him. But I’ve turned down guys who repulsed me and I knew I didn’t want to see again. But I don’t see anything wrong with kissing on the first date if that’s what feels good to me.

  363.  #363Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Hmmm, intersting point for me too…

    It actually feels better/freer and more recieving mode for me with young guy than it does with housemate guy atm… which is the opposite of what is said, and what I expected.

    I actually felt quite cherished and warm with young guy…

    I feel suprised!


  364.  #364Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Guess who chose not to have an alcoholic drink tonight and feels good for it?

    Me! Lol.


  365.  #365Mel on May 18, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    This is how I feel. It’s going to sound angry and probably blamey, but I feel like I just need to say it. Even if I will probably never say it to him.


    I know that you have been trying to figure things out. I know that you are questioning our marriage. You don’t even have to say it. I can feel your coldness and distance. I can sense that you’d rather be somewhere else.

    You say that you’ve been held back. That you regret not having different experiences when you were young. Well, I’m sorry that you were raised in a restrictive religion and that you felt you’ve missed out. That’s not my fault though! Is now really a good time to re-live your adolescence? Stable, professional men in their 30’s don’t get so drunk at parties that they pass out on the couch. Could you not think of some other way to be adventurous?

    Maybe you regret getting married so young? Well, the fact of the matter is that you DID get married. So does that make it okay to call me horrible names and treat me like crap? I grew up in a household where my father swore at me all the time. It felt horribly degrading. When I married you I did so knowing that you would never treat me that way. That I would be safe and loved. That was true for 9 years… but it seems things have changed. This hurts so much.

    You say that you regret not having more friends. Now you’re making up for lost time. Unfortunately, it feels like I’m the one that has to sacrifice so you can have that time with friends. And you ask me to do this when I get so very little time with you as it is. Can you not see why this is difficult? Especially when many of these new friends are women?

    You say that I’m “making up stories.” That you’ve never cheated. But can you not see why I might think this? Suddenly I have a husband who doesn’t seem attracted to me, says hurtful things to me, hides things from me, and seems moody all the time. What’s a girl to think?

    I’m okay with you changing, growing, finding your place in the world. I can adapt and try to give you more space to do that. But if the “new you” is a person I can’t feel at ease with, feel safe around, or share my feelings with, than I can’t accept that.

    I want to be cherished and loved. I want to feel like I can tell you anything without being judged. I want to trust you. Some days, I can still feel these things from you. This is confusing for me. I don’t know where I stand.

    So I hope that you figure things out soon. This is all very stressful for me and I really need to feel some stability soon.

    I want our eleventh year to be a really good one. So I’m releasing these things out into the universe and letting them go. Perhaps tomorrow could be a fresh start for us?

  366.  #366FlowerChild77 on May 18, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    I wanted to share some things that are helping me with my ‘vibe.’ I’ve learned so much from the teachings of Abraham (Esther and Jerry Hicks) and I continue to use one of their books (Ask and It Is Given–Hay House) as a sort of guidebook. It’s all marked up, bookmarked, highlighted and divided with colored paperclips so I can find what I need easily each time. I even made a book cover out of
    some very expensive wallpaper (it was cheap—a book of samples) so that it would feel more personal…I love the pattern.

    I’ve been aware of LOA for years—but I was always under the impression that I was doing something wrong—-because I couldn’t just “snap” myself into monster happiness and feel like I was floating on a cloud. The whole ‘thinking positively’ idea wasn’t working for me.

    It was immensely helpful to read/learn that we can not start anywhere other than where we ARE. We cannot just jump from despair, sadness and hopelessness to great joy and peace of mind. We need baby-steps. (But most of the LOA information I had heard or read didn’t explain this at all.)

    I was so very relieved to learn this. I was all caught up in this blame/shame vicious cycle in my head because I couldn’t do what I thought everyone else (who believes in the LOA) was doing to make it work.

    The first step to every process in the book is to find where you’re at–your emotional place (sad, angry, fearful, powerless, etc.) Figure out where you are at this moment–and reach for one better feeling thought. Just one—and it only has to be a teensy bit better than your original current thought. No matter how small the amount of “better feeling”–it’s a start.

    Of course, then I keep going–working from one better feeling thought to the next. Sometimes it’s not easy, but once I see how it’s working it gets easier to build on each thought to move up the ladder.

    Sometimes I do it on paper or in my journal–and sometimes I just do it in my head. Even though I am going through sadness and loss right now, I try never to leave the house without raising my vibe a few steps–even if I know it’s only temporary.

    Going out—even just to run errands–can always be an opportunity to meet new people or have a fun conversation with someone, maybe even a few laughs over something silly. And when that happens–it helps keep my vibe up for quite awhile after.

    Listening to music can help, too. I use an online program and have my stations organized according to mood. There are some songs that make me cry and deeply feel things–and then there are songs that actually make me laugh out loud or just feel good. In a pinch, listening to one of the ones that makes me laugh (usually because it’s so ridiculous) can help me up a few steps on the vibe ladder when I want to go somewhere but don’t want to go out the door as a living ‘crap magnet’ 😉

    I’m meditating also, but that’s a longer process. I was thinking more of things that would help Lucy, who had said she didn’t want to go on her CD this weekend cuz she was feeling crummy. I agree that going on the date despite the disappointment concerning the other guy is a good idea. You just never know what might happen…

    I would work on some ‘better-feeling-thoughts’; pamper myself and dress up so I feel like a really sexy siren; listen to some happy music that you like right before you go—and ‘paint’ yourself with love and shimmery sparkles as you walk out the door. No matter what happens on the date—YOU will still be a rock-star (and the other guy still lost out–big time!) 🙂

    Look for the lesson…

    (Umm…I typed this up quite awhile ago and forgot about it…don’t know where it’ll show up.)

  367.  #367Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Oh, and it would have been so easy to. Sh8t hit the fan with housemate and his ex because he found out she had been cheating on him.

    Crazy emotions bouncing round our household tonight.

    I am still not totally secure and ok dealing with the whole situation around him atm… I keep needing to remind myself to pull back and TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

    But there was very good, honest and open communication with him tonight.

    I was able to sit with some very difficult emotions while it was all happening and let them flow through me.

    And it DID feel like intimacy… BUT that doesn’t mean that I need to open my heart completely… no not at all… not until I feel safe.

    It felt like intimacy purely in the fact of being there being open and honest with a man, feeling emotion, not getting swept away and not having expectations or outcomes in my head.

    That felt like intimacy.

    There is no panick.

    Although sometimes it feels panicky. And that is ok, I can let that feeling flow through me aswell.

    My friend used to say ‘if something is meant for you it will not pass you by’.

    I still have a hard time believing this! Or that there is an unlimited buffet of goodies for me.

    And I still have NVs telling me I have messed things up around here too much for any guy to actually want me.


    Ok back to today.

    Some wonderful practice of just sitting, being, choosing my words and being in a very intense situation with a man, with no make up on, and no alcohol!

    Wooohooo to me! I can do more than I know.

    Who knows what else I can do…

    I feel powerful sometimes, and a lil bit more… which takes some getting used to.

    And I am firmly back up on my horse.

    Now, where are we going next horsy?

    And feel a lil anxious about what comes next in this whole housemate and ex cheating situation. It will prob have rippling affect in which so many of us will be shaken, like waves under the sea.

    But I am grounded. I have my rock, and I am sticking onto my horse! On my bridge, up away slightly from the waves. I won’t get swept away, even if I get swayed a little.

    Yay for me! 🙂


  368.  #368tinque on May 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Drama away Ella. That part of what this blog is for.


  369.  #369Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Thanks flowerchild. <3

  370.  #370Ella on May 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Its not about trying to get something from him.

    It sabout ME!

    Woohoo, yes that feels GOOD!

    And tomorrow I must reply to me CDs who want my attention, including city guy who wants me to come see him @ weekend (I’m working up there, well in the vicinity) and he’ll take me out and cherish me, buy me dinner and drinks (but not too many!) and then we’ll go dancing.

    But, then he suggests staying in a hotel so I don’t have to drive back long journey on my own in the dark!

    Hmmm, sweet but alarm bells!

    Would it be too cheeky to say he could pay for a hotel room for me to stay in alone?

    Hmmm, I’ll deal with this one tomorrow.

    Right now it is bed time. All part of taking care of Ella.

    Night Sirens.

    Love ya.


  371.  #371Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    RE 365 Hugs Mel

  372.  #372Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I am going to write out everything I loved about WH in the hopes of a) seeing that it wasn’t as great as I thought, and b) gathering it all up from the corners of my mind and heart to let it go.

    I was attracted to him physically.

    I was attracted to him emotionally and spiritually.

    It felt great to look at him – he is very visually pleasing to me. Just looking at him makes me smile.

    Kissing him felt amazing… Perfect. Couldn’t ask for more.

    I love his speaking voice. It feels soothing.

    I love love love his singing voice. It moves me, thrills me.

    I love his songwriting and guitar-playing. It excites me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

    I felt great about his dreams for his future, could fully support and admire and enjoy them.

    I loved being with him. In his presence I felt deep peace and joy.

    He lived in the perfect place for our family to live.


    Reading back through this list, I realize that most of these things were true of M as well (the man I was engaged to in college). All were the same except the music ones (M was tone deaf).

    I loved those things about M too. And I feel now the same way I felt when I realized I wanted M back but it was too late. I felt this same crushing feeling then.

    And a couple years later I “settled” for the man I married, still wishing I could have M. 🙁

    I don’t want that to happen again!!! I feel afraid that it will.

    M even lived in the same city WH lives in (but M and I met in college in another state). Isn’t that strange???

  373.  #373Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Lucy I dated a guy whose wife had the same birthdate as I do. She died early. I also have a friend who dated 3 guys with the same first name. I am convinced our unconscious mind attract people to get a do over sometimes.

  374.  #374Jeannette on May 18, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    I feel like an idiot tonight. I called Steve like 8 times last night trying to get a hold of him. I wanted to tell him something important I read about his health condition before I went to bed. Turns out he and his dying brother were trying to sleep and didn’t want to get up to answer the phone. It’s like I feel I can’t do anything right when it comes to him at the moment.

  375.  #375Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    “I am convinced our unconscious mind attract people to get a do over sometimes.” (FW)

    If that was a do-over then I failed the same thing twice!!! 🙁

  376.  #376Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 7:11 pm


    Hee Hee, Boomer, Kaitlyn was flirting with a Tranny.



  377.  #377Femininewoman on May 18, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Lucy after my last do-over I was convinced that that was not the relationship for me.

    Failure could be viewed as a double edged sword. Could you get another opportunity in the future to succeed?

  378.  #378Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 7:27 pm


    Frankly, Ella, I like the way you treat yourself, how you work through you feelings and find your way to feeling better. I admire this about you.


  379.  #379Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm


    Turq~ This post was open, vlunerable and real and I loved it. I also wish I was there so I could lend a hand and offer support when he deploys.

    My ex and I are tremendous friends, co-parenting at its finest and he is a wonderful father. A better dad than I am a mom and I don’t know what I would do without him. He drives a lot for his job and while it is not even close to what you and your ex experience, I pray every day that he has a good day and makes it home safetly. I understand your fears, in some very, very small way.

    Much love and support to you.


  380.  #380Lilybelle on May 18, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Sheesh, Luce…I like him too.

    Regarding weekend CD dude: I don’t know but I do know that if I felt like a truck ran over my heart, I’d honor that, feel it, cry, tantrum do whatever I was feeling was necessary. I have experienced shoving my emotions down, “pulling myself up by the bootstraps” and moving forward only to find myself not really having moved forward at all…but rather, taking several steps back and then having to deal with ALL of it at the same time.

    Much like I did at the beginning of this year. *sigh* That was painful..deeply painful. Not only did I deal with M and M and that whole betrayal, I had to deal with stuff that happened ten years ago or better..and everything in between then and now.

    If you go out with weekend CD dude, do it for the right reasons. You know what I mean?

    Does this make any kind of sense? I’m exhausted but want you to know I am feeling you. Big time.


  381.  #381Turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Thanks Lillybelle 🙂 I really appreciate and understand how you feel. It’s so nice my ex and I are friends now, and co-parenting really well. This is new to us. We’ve had a roller coaster relationship for years. We always had moments of getting along well, and then we’d have a huge fight, say awful things to each other, bring up the past, etc. and go round and round through the whole thing. I can’t even remember the last time that happened!

    I’ve been very emotional today and wasn’t quite sure why. I just got my period, several days early, so it’s almost a relief! I do have a lot of stress right now… but normally I don’t feel so weepy. I’m so glad I have a place to come and process all this. It really does help.

  382.  #382Turquoise3 on May 18, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    CPA guy wants to meet. He lives almost an hour away, which I don’t really mind… but since I make the guy do the driving, they usually do. Hmmm…

  383.  #383Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 9:35 pm


    Re: #355 – Thank you! I feel sad thinking of the cat being outside for a whole year, too – it was an especially cold, snowy winter in PA. But I feel so elated that he is home now!

  384.  #384Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 9:38 pm


    RE: #358 – Just let it all out, Ella. It’s all right if you are not on top of things all the time. We are here for you.

  385.  #385kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 9:39 pm


    People who work together get coffee or go out to eat all the time. It’s part of the job. Did your husband actually say he was going to do this on your anniversary, though?


    Speedy recovery to you. Amazing you are never in a bad mood even when you say you’re down.

  386.  #386kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 10:22 pm


    It’s only natural to feel jealous that someone you 1) don’t like and 2) doesn’t meet the qualifications got such a position. Just keep your chin up and know that you’re on the track to success as well. You’re going to be very successful.

  387.  #387Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Jenn, I love that Sara Evans song too. A couple weeks ago I posted the video on fb. <3

  388.  #388Lucy on May 18, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Lilybelly, thank you. Yes it makes a lot of sense. <3

  389.  #389kaitlyn on May 18, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    I have this problem with my bff. When things don’t go as scheduled, like, because of traffic, or not knowing rather to take a left or right on Maple, or someone canceling on us, I get blamed. If not immediately then within 30mins. I feel the wrath coming and it makes me tense up.

  390.  #390Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I made a new public, community interest page on facebook!

    “Animal Rescue”!

    Would you like to “Like!” the page and add your rescue stories and photos? 🙂

  391.  #391Brenda on May 18, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    P.S. Look for the picture of the dirty white dog.

  392.  #392Meemee on May 19, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Kaitlyn 386
    Yeah, you are right its natural.
    But I tend to attach value to such happening.
    I was thinking even after all this if such a thing happens to X, was he right?
    was I wrong?
    I tend to belive good things happen to good people. 🙁 🙁

  393.  #393kaitlyn on May 19, 2011 at 12:38 am


    This ‘good things happen to good people’ may be an eastern vs western religious debate. but i see things more scientifically. yes, generally good things happen to good people. not because of karma, but because they’re surrounding themselves with quality people and not getting themselves into trouble. but sometmes, bad things happen to good people. why? because sometimes sh1t happens. thus, the inverse is true also. besides, you and i place great value on career and success, so we look at that as a marker. but even if X obtained that position, who’s to say he will have success beyond that? you know, like the backstreet boys…where are they now? living under a bridge? also meemee, he may have other areas in his life that will turn out crappy.

  394.  #394kaitlyn on May 19, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Meemee, I meant position as in the job he recently got.

  395.  #395Rosa on May 19, 2011 at 1:49 am

    Boomer @316

    Your writing is much more exciting than mine so I am very flattered by the compliment.

    I love words. They are the codes we use to program our brains. I love to choose words that soothe and charm me , especially when i am helping myself feel better..warm metaphoric words that add sparkle like “treasure yourself” or zest , like “I’ll just zip through this ironing!” That feels good for me.

    My motto is ” Be thoughtful of the words you use, , Your mind is listening.. And your mind gives you whatever you tell it to.”

    Thank YOU Ella for your words , I dont feel so wise , I just kind of think out loud here on the blog sometimes , and the immense changes in my results are due to Roris work . I love to read how you are feeling and I love that you know what needs to change in order to change your results. The next step will follow naturally.

    And Brenduhlicious..Thank YOU too , I feel very inspired by your whole Sireny Self , your stories and good humoured reflections , but mostly by the way you have lifted yourself up. Go Brenda!

  396.  #396Corin on May 19, 2011 at 2:13 am

    I’m aware I have a pattern of losing sight of myself in relationships and focussing solely on the other person; trying to get them to fulfil me. To make previous relationships ‘work’ I’ve given up college courses, moved jobs, left homes I love, spent tons of money on travel and never got what I felt was an equal response or comitment from them. This always leads to bitterness and resentment. I now recognise this as leaning forward and attempting to control them/ the relationship. I find it hard to accept myself as a controlling person as I so much prefer my mask of the sweet, kind, giving one who supports her man no matter what. I’m learning though that he needs to step up into that role first. If I take that role then I’m just pushing him away from me and what he can bring to the relationship.

    Not being in that controlling role leaves me with just taking care of me. I’m only recently realising how much my previous leaning forward served me in being able to neglect myself. Me, I was neglecting myself first, before anyone else saw me doing it and then copied. Taking care of myself; why is that something that I love doing when I’m single but then can’t wait to run away from when I’m in a relationship? I ALWAYS gain weight when I’m in a relationship and then lose it all and look fab agan when I’m single. I ALWAYS start neglecting my hobbies, friends, family when I’m in a relationship and then have an amazing period of rediscovery and growth when I’m single. My therapist for work has suggested that need for control always comes from fear. Fear of losing him maybe, fear that if I continue taking care of myself I will outgrown him, fear that I will be just too much of me for him if I’m taking care of myself. Fear that he doesn’t like me when I’m taking care of myself. Fear that he will actually see me for who I am and what I care about when I’m taking care of myself. Fear that he will reject the real me rather than the pretend me. Fear that it makes me selfish. OK, I’m going to work on releasing that fear.

  397.  #397Lilybelle on May 19, 2011 at 3:48 am

    “Sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.” Jodi Picoult

    I now prefer to “see” the people who DO accept me for who and what I am and let go of the rest.


  398.  #398Jerry on May 19, 2011 at 3:52 am

    My girlfriend says that she’s afraid to show me affection because she doesn’t want me to read too much into her affections. I am really confused as to how to take this.

  399.  #399Butterfly Wings on May 19, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Hi Jerry

    From where I sit, this could mean that she’s either not ready for anything serious so doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea, or she’s scared she will scare you away.

    I could be wrong because it’s been a long time since I was in a gf/bf relationship, but that’s how I see it. Hope that helps?

  400.  #400Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 4:49 am

    Camile @261

    wow..i feel so intrigued..Tom was in the picture??! …you sound really good and grounded…i hope everything goes ok when your ex goes overseas i know you were having lot of emotions about it before i left…

    …and thanks for the warning lol..it’s like a train wreck though.. it makes me want to go look and see what happened..but i don’t have time so i feel happy knowing it’s ok if I don’t

    so with the past guy who brought me to Rori..he was the first man i ever felt like i could say…”YES” to..YES lets get married (ill call him M) we started talking marriage right away…anyway everything felt perfect but he wasn’t working at the time and lived with his parents (he was 36) he was just in a bad place he seemed to get more and more depressed then i left for a one time work offer for 3 months to North Carolina and two weeks into my job we had an argument and he never talked to me again..until just last week he told my roommate to tell me hi….and how i just left him after we spent so much time getting close and he was in a bad place back then and he wished it could have been different

    hearing that brought up so many emotions…if he started pursuing me again….wow…not sure how i would handle it

  401.  #401Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 4:53 am

    ok i just reread my post…and it doesn’t seem to make sense where i said “everything felt perfect but he was in a bad place in his life”

    well…everything felt perfect at first…like it always does in the beginning but then my blinders starting coming off buuuuttt….i had very THICK blinders on and gave a lot of “benefit of the doubt” ….los of red flags..

  402.  #402LD on May 19, 2011 at 4:54 am


    RE #372

    Do you realize that you did not mention a single character quality about WH? All of the things you wrote about him are things that could be true of any man who lives in a good place for your family, kisses and sings well and is nice to look at. And how YOU felt around him. No mention of any qualities that belong to him exclusively, that make him unique. That tells me that you don’t necessarily want WH himself, but someone who lives in a place you like, that you’re attracted to physically that makes you feel a certain way.

    So maybe you should make a list like I did and set your intention not to have WH necessarily, but to find a man who makes you feel the same way or BETTER than WH did who has all of the qualities you mentioned.

    When I stopped focusing on making any particular man come to me (ie; THE EX) and let the universe choose for me based on the qualities I wanted, I got soooo much more than I asked for in D!

    I imagine that if you came across a man like WH only better, WH wouldn’t even matter anymore…

  403.  #403Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 4:55 am

    Hey boomer…i feel happy to see you are still here 🙂

  404.  #404Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 5:05 am

    soo…..hotpilot cooked dinner last night and we ended up having sex before dinner…yum! 🙂 if we start kissing it’s over lol…i love his kisses

    and he was so cute…he’s a talker after sex..which works for me…anyway he asked me if there was anything i would like him to be doing that he’s not (in the sac and out of the sac) and then he said he just wants me to be happy…

    and then he said it…he said the big “i love you” and it was the sweetest first “i love you” i’ve ever had…

    he has the perfect amount of raw sexy manliness combined with sensitivity…big happy sigh from me 🙂

  405.  #405Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 5:05 am

    I feel torn and terrified.

    I have been offered a job, a great job, with full benefits and progression package and a starting salary 4x what I have now on social support. I feel excited and valued and blessed with this offer. It means emigrating back to my home country. I left when I was 12 and my immediate family have all returned there in the last 3 years. I feel joy when I think of going home! I’m so happy, excited, THRILLED even when I think of accepting this offer!

    I feel scared. I have 2 men here that do not want me to leave. One of them, my ex husband, could stop me. I know, deep in my heart, that I have to go. I feel stuck and lost here. I have no family left living here and I feel isolated and unsupported. I struggle financially everyday and I suffer socially with limited opportunity to get out of my house. My ex husband pays no support for me or our children, he offers no childcare support and visits our kids for only an hour once a week. I feel rage when I think of him whining about me taking his kids away. He has the power to prevent us from making a good life in another country and yet won’t step up to his responsibilities and help us have one here! I feel frustrated and controlled by him still. He has promised for over a year to sign the papers to allow us to go and yet keeps stalling. I am talking to him again tonight and have been writing feeling messages all day so I have a script for our conversation later.

    The other man, my R, has known I planned on moving since before we started dating. He has stepped up big time, always here for me and moving our relationship to higher levels of commitment. He wants to come with me but as he’s not a citizen he was to apply for a work permit, this can take up to 5 years! He keeps reassuring me that everything will be ok and he is 100% behind me but I’m scared, I’m heartbroken, I’m feeling hopeless. I feel a lead weight in my stomach and a coldness in my chest. I feel doom.

    I want to take good care of me.
    I want to be happy.
    I want the best outcome for everyone.
    I want peace.
    I want to spend my days doing work I love and providing well for my children.

    I feel gripping fear. I love my gripping fear.

  406.  #406Mel on May 19, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Re: 385


    I understand that there may be “business lunches” from time to time. That seems reasonable to me. This was not at all related to business. Strictly “social.”

    He even paid for her. This seems pretty yucky to me.

  407.  #407Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 5:15 am

    hey LD 🙂

    so i have to say i can relate to the whole job thing! i heard from some coaches (take it how you want not sure if it will resonate) but they said that some women have a hard time managing a career and a relationship at the same time…and i’ve always remembered that… i have a hard time managing my current job and a relationship

    i want a new career pronto!! lol i don’t want to go away for 18 days again…i don’t want to feel stressed and overwhelmed from working with men 24 hrs a day nonstop with their barbaric ways lol

    18 days is a long time to be with anybody nonstop let alone 17 men at least there were 2 other girls…most of the men are still gentlemen but there were a few “manimals” 😉

  408.  #408Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Mel….i meant to give you big hugs yesterday!! so here’s even more big hugs today!!!

    i agree with you i would not feel ok about it at all…it would be unexceptable especially if he paid 🙁

  409.  #409Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 5:18 am

    mel, that would feel yucky to me too if i was in your position. when i was in a struggling relationship before, any move to treat someone else better then he was treating me felt like a sharp slap in the face. ((hugs))

  410.  #410LD on May 19, 2011 at 5:19 am

    OMG JILLY!!!!

    SOOOO happy for you. It sounds so romantic how he said the “L” word! I LOVE THIS!!!!

  411.  #411Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 5:22 am

    Kyla…big hugs to you too…wow..sounds like big things are happening for you…stay leaned back and open and the universe will take care of you 🙂

  412.  #412Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Aaaww Mel now I feel kinda guilty. I have been out with married guys who have paid for my lunch. They only wanted to go to a special place that they hardly go to and just wanted the company. The last one who insisted I come knows for a fact that even if he was the last man on earth I would not want him. He however is very masculine and even if it is a group lunch refuses to allow the women to take care of the bill. I have seen him get in arguments with a female supervisor over this.

  413.  #413Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 5:26 am

    thanks jilly. i feel shaky but i’m trying to lean back and receive. thank you for the support. your hotpilot sounds yummy!

  414.  #414Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Kyla re your husband, I am wondering if he would be open to you leaving the kids here for a while until you know for sure you would be keeping the job. I know it would be hard for you but it might be a proposition he would not be willing to take on. What do you think?

  415.  #415LD on May 19, 2011 at 5:29 am


    It’s just so weird about the job thing relating to relationships. IE; now that I know what I want and am so happy in my relationship, I’m starting to notice all of the bad things about my job and it’s going downhill FAST. I’m talking going from thinking I’d spend the rest of my career there to wanting to quit TODAY in a matter of less than a month!!!

    I feel like I’m taking crumbs and since I refuse to do that in my personal life anymore, it feels soooo icky that I’m doing it at work every day. My anxiety level is through the roof every day that I have to go in now and I only relax when I’m off.

    I just wasn’t expecting the work I’ve been doing on myself relationship wise to spill over into other areas of my life and it has (I’ve also been triggered by things with my parents alot lately) and I’m just feeling kind of blindsided by it.

    I have faith that the end result will be the better one for me and my family and the one that will make me happier, even if the road to get there has been a little bumpier than I expected.

  416.  #416Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 5:32 am

    FW, wow that feels scary, to call his bluff so to speak. he is unpredictable and toxic and has a suspected personality disorder 🙁 he hasn’t spent time alone with our kids for nearly 12 months.

    i feel frozen with fear. i feel like i’m standing on a ledge.

  417.  #417LD on May 19, 2011 at 5:34 am


    I don’t know where you’re from, but I’m a southern girl and it’s typical for men to pay for women here. I’m certainly not minimizing your feelings about this, because if your gut says something isn’t right, then you should pay attention to it. But I wouldn’t think twice about a married man I work with paying for my lunch. I’ve had my lunch or drinks bought for me lots of times by married friends or colleagues and it never meant anything.

    Now if he typically does NOT pay for other people, then I might find it odd.

  418.  #418Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:35 am

    LD could you possibly tell yourself that you attracted this job and this type of behavior because of how you used to think and that you know that as your awareness level raises things will change? You know sometimes things get worse before they get better. I feel our unconscious have to wade through what was there before we started the work and then take us to where we know we want to be. I really believe if you change your thoughts about your job to “I am appreciated and respected for my skills and talents. I have enough to take care of my needs and my bills” things will change. Some months ago I started do that and now it seems that even people I had problems with in the past are showing appreciation towards me. I feel confident for you that things are going to get better and you will soon be led to the job that will support what you want for yourself.

  419.  #419The Lurker on May 19, 2011 at 5:36 am

    #404 “and then he said it…he said the big “i love you” and it was the sweetest first “i love you” i’ve ever had…”

    AWWW, Jilly!
    And…? And….? And…..?
    What did YOU say?

  420.  #420Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:37 am

    I understand your fear Kyla and would feel the same way but I am thinking some other options should be there for him to think about realistically. If he has not shown that he is a good father or have the means to support the kids why would he want to keep them. I also believe that he feels he is not good enough why he has been so delinquent thus far.

  421.  #421The Lurker on May 19, 2011 at 5:38 am

    #406 Oh, Mel! You really deserve better than that. Hope your guy will come to his senses soon.

  422.  #422Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:39 am

    RE 417 Very good point LD. It would indicate a change in behavior that would be a red flag for me.

  423.  #423Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:41 am

    RE 398 I would say Jerry that sounds like fear of intimacy. Also it seems to me that she might not be giving herself much love and would be treating you the same way she treats herself, in her mind. That is my assumption based on my own patterns.

  424.  #424LD on May 19, 2011 at 5:41 am


    Yes, I can do that and will start doing it, thanks for that reframe idea.

    I’m just shocked by the level of anxiety I’m suddenly feeling whenever I have to go to work. It’s not just a “I’m not crazy about my job and don’t feel like going in” feeling, but a “I can’t breathe and feel like my chest is gonna explode” type of anxiety.

  425.  #425KS on May 19, 2011 at 5:44 am

    Don’t know if this applies but I have always heard that underneath anxiety is fear. Can you find any fear in there and process it? Just a thought. 🙂

  426.  #426Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:47 am

    RE 389 Kaitlyn how about sharing how you feel when he blames you? He might not be able to help himself or even aware of his pattern as it might have been something that was practiced in his family of origin. I feel like I am going to explode when I am blamed. I would say the same thing maybe two times. If he doesn’t respond positively I would keep quiet the next time and just show my sadness in my face and body language. Just to test what works best for him to hear me. Hopefully the silence will help him to hear himself more clearly so his conscience speaks to him.

  427.  #427Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 5:48 am

    RE 424 LD I keep suggesting to people to try tapping on such feelings. It has helped me tremendously in the last two weeks. I do it in the shower or when I am driving.

  428.  #428LD on May 19, 2011 at 6:02 am

    Thanks KS,

    I think my fear is that I might be being set up to fail by someone I liked and trusted and I don’t want to believe that people really do things like that to other people.

    BTW, do YOU have something to tell us or did I mis your story somewhere on here? What’s “complicated”?

  429.  #429LD on May 19, 2011 at 6:03 am


    I don’t really understand the whole tapping thing. can you explain it?

  430.  #430Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 6:12 am

    yes FW i do understand i just feel so resistant to giving him more options, more time, more ways to control me, just more anything! i want him to honour his promise and keep his word, just this once i want him to put his kids needs first over his desire to keep me down. i know i need to let go of expectation of outcomes as its stopping me from being able to communicate with him. its so difficult. the only time i feel peaceful about my ex husband is when we have no contact 🙁 i’m going to do some processing before i talk to him later, i need to be in a better place to talk to him.

  431.  #431Jilly on May 19, 2011 at 6:13 am

    i have to get going to work…but…

    LD…that’s how i feel about my work right now..i don’t want to go i feel anxiety and nervous about it too…weird!!

    Mel…my feelings about the lunch are in light to what’s going with your husband…it just feels bad to me

    and of course i said i love you back lol…and the rest of our night felt magical… 🙂

  432.  #432Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 6:13 am

    LD I take it that you did not get the Interview the tapping. In any event you might wish to read this again

  433.  #433KS on May 19, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Damn girl…you don’t miss a beat. Rofl…hahahaha

    Well I am REALLY trying to work things out with the husband (was soon to be ex). He is really steppin up BUT I am still just not feeling it romantically. And my thoughts are still plagued by Toxic man on a daily basis (I want my do-over damn it!). He is still MIA and probably will stay that way. Sad……but true.

    Soooooooo yes….it’s complicated.

  434.  #434Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 6:18 am

    LD also fastereft.com

  435.  #435T-Girl on May 19, 2011 at 6:27 am

    OMG Jilly – congrats on the “L” word lol!!

    Mel, I don’t want to be a downer for you but please, please, trust your instincts. The whole situation feels bad to me (I’ve been there).

  436.  #436The Lurker on May 19, 2011 at 6:33 am

    #430 Kyla, you really should consult a lawyer to learn about the legal side of a move, and about which options you have. Maybe your ex-hubby’s refusal to live up to his legal obligations can be held against him. You should know more, in order to play your cards right!

  437.  #437LD on May 19, 2011 at 6:42 am


    your husband started stepping up when you took the focus off of him, so maybe you’ll get your do over if you take your focus off of the other guy. Though if he really is toxic, you’re probably better off without him.

    I’m a big fan of simply putting out there whatever and whomever is best for me and can make me the happiest. That’s what I did right before D was sent to me. And then letting go and being open to whomever the universe chooses for me. Cuz that’s the end result we’re all looking for here, happiness.

    I imagine if you started feeling it romantically for your husband again, then you wouldn’t miss Toxic Man. And maybe your perfect guy isn’t either of them, but someone you might meet in the grocery store 2 weeks from now.

    I’m trying to do that with my job now. I just want the best situation for me where I can meet the financial needs and wants for me and my family, be happy and have quality time to spend with D and my family.

    I say “situation” and not job, because if the universe chooses to let me win the lottery and not have to work, well I’m open to receiving that as well. : )

  438.  #438Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I don’t like to be the odd one out but I am wondering if Mel’s husband could be bold enough to tell her he was going out on a date if something was going on? Especially taking into consideration all that has happened between them in the recent past? Could he be deliberately giving her fodder to push him away?

    He chose to tell her what he was doing, doesn’t that count for anything? He might be ignoring her feelings but gosh he has a right to do what he wants to do. My experience has been the more we push people to do what I want them to do the more they resist.

    I also would like to share that I read from Gay Hendricks a story of him going someplace where he ran into someone who turned him on physically. She somehow indicated to him that she would be open to getting intimate with him to the point of him fantasizing about it. He shared that with his wife and how he felt about doing it. If I remember correctly he wanted to have the fling. His wife ended up crying and telling him it is his body and can do what he chooses with it but also shared that she could not remain emotionally open to him if he was involved with another woman. His story was that it took their relationship to a deeper level of commitment because he could not get his mind off how his wife shared how she felt about it.

    Mel seems to want connection and love with her husband not a breakdown and I am a bit concerned that is getting lost somehow.

  439.  #439KS on May 19, 2011 at 6:49 am


    Thanks. Not even so sure that I really want Toxic man back either. I just want the chance to interact with him again and not act psycho if he starts his crap. That is what is bothering me the most I think and the reason I cant seem to shake it. Instead of acting like a Siren and just walking away…..I acted like a psycho and emotionally regurgitated ALL OVER HIM. Chased, explained, tried to convince…..I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut and walked away. Now THAT would have said it all!

  440.  #440Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 6:58 am

    KS It is past. You can change the dance steps and you have today, a fresh slate to start over again. Hugs to you and please give yourself a break. He is not perfect, none of us are, neither is he.

  441.  #441KS on May 19, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Awwww FW Thank you
    That made me cry. I just have so much shame about how damn needy I acted. Workin on it. 🙂

  442.  #442Mel on May 19, 2011 at 7:06 am

    As much as I hate it, if going out to dinner with other women one-on-one is what my husband wants to do, than that’s what he’s going to do. There’s not a whole lot I can do about it. He knows how I feel. he chooses to do it anyway. He thinks it’s completely normal. I am aware that for some people, this IS acceptable in their relationships. For many others, it is something that feels uncomfortable.

    That being said, I would at least prefer to know about it rather than him hiding it… so that’s what I’ve expressed to him. I don’t want to feel like I have to interrogate him to have him “volunteer” the information. I would prefer if he were completely upfront with me and said “Mel, I’m going to grab some dinner with ______.” It would also help to hear an “I love you and can’t wait to see you soon.”

    I told him that I would never think of going for dinner with another man (colleague or not) without telling him about it. It’s not the same to say nothing unless directly asked. That’s been his style of dealing with these things. I really don’t think that this is too much to ask.

    Our anniversary is today. So far dinner plans are still on. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I really want to have a nice evening with him! I want this year to be better between us!

  443.  #443Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 7:18 am


    thank you for your advice, i appreciate it!

    i did go and get legal advice last year when i started this process and the bottom line is that without both parents consent, children cannot be taken out of the country. to do so would bring child abduction charges against me and have the children removed from my custody, returned to this country and placed with either their father or child protective services until a court hearing! his unwillingness to support them financially or physically has no bearing on their citizenship in this country and is not an argument i can use to remove them from it – mores the pity! the thing is he says we can go and has taken most of the steps for that to happen. there is only one step left and now that i have an offer i don’t want to refuse i feel the pressure.

  444.  #444T-Girl on May 19, 2011 at 7:31 am

    I agree that if Mel’s husband was doing something wrong with this other woman that he probably wouldn’t have told her about it. But what I don’t agree with is the fact that they are not in a good place, he knows this bothers her, yet he still goes. Of course we don’t know the whole converstation of what went down, but my first thought is that if he knew how much it bothered her he wouldn’t have gone. Plus the whole hiding the computer screen still bothers me. Maybe it was a “trigger” for me because that is what was the beginning of the downhill slide of my own marriage. I didn’t listen to my instincts but my instincts were right in my situation.

  445.  #445Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Mel I wish you a happy anniversary and encourage you to try and relax today no matter what happens. Keep the good times up front and let go of any bad thing that might happen. This is for you even if they don’t work out as planned. Plan to take care of you. I would even go as far as saying make a reservation for a spa treatment, just in case. I am hopeful though that your heart will be content.

  446.  #446Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 7:34 am

    T-Girl I understand. I just don’t want to see Mel throwing the kitchen sink at him, at least not today. It will just end up helping her to feel more crappy about her situation. The computer incident is past now.

  447.  #447tinque on May 19, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Thank you Boomer for the eye kisses (I feel them) and Kaitlyn for the well wishes. They’re doing better though the one I shined up via footboard is way more owey than the one that got cut and cauterized. Go figure.

    What a lovely thing to say Kaitlyn. I suppose it’s true that I’m not often in a bad mood, but it does happen, just doesn’t last long. I’m too prone to the giggles which kind of spoils being grumpy.

    And I have all of you lovely ladies to cheer me up by just being here.


  448.  #448Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 7:38 am

    i had to go out for some errands. i made a conscious decision to not get ‘stuck’ in the fear, i asked for help and opened my hands and let go. i turned on the radio and every single song that played was one of favorite feel good songs, then i got a text from R telling me he will be home early and has a surprise for me and then my friend called with some good news about the production and when i got back home there was a letter approving my arts grant application for the play i want to produce! the universe is answering my requests! my vibe is shifting, i can feel movement and release.

    i am receiving! i am receiving!

  449.  #449Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 7:39 am

    RE 328 Virginia I agree. I wish I knew from the first meeting though the right man.

    Have to say I love the style of your writing in your emails. I really loved the Cat series, it resonated with me and just so spoke to the Siren and leaning back vibe for me. Thank you.

  450.  #450Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Yayyy Kyla. You will get your heart’s desire.

  451.  #451LonePlum on May 19, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Meemee 331


    It is understandable, it is only human
    Jealousy is the main feeling throughout the Bible stories, the Greek mythology, the African legends, etc… It makes great theater dramas too through out the centuries, still make great movies. And will always do.
    It is at the root of the bloody wars throughout human history
    Jealousy and… revenge.

    Welcome home, Mrs Human

    Now, can you please, get away from the green monster before it eats you ability to create your happiness?
    And focus back on yourself and your happiness?
    It has been established that nothing X says, does or feels, contributes to your happiness.
    Can you keep that in mind? And stay away from his bridge? It’s a waste of precious energy.

    “He gets the job and I get the hospital. I feel a loser”
    OK, could be seen this way, yes
    It is not fair.
    Life is not fair.
    We are free when others are locked in jail.
    We are healthy when others are disabled.
    Some are beautiful, smart, healthy and able to make lots of money in activities they love, and on top of it they are friendly and charming.
    Others are ugly, stubborn, unhealthy, and too scared to make the least cent. On top of it, they think they know better, nobody can speak to them, so they suffer from loneliness.
    Others are ugly and friendly etc… the combinations are infinite.
    I mean, you look at such different types of human beings and you wonder what is the name of God’s game exactly?
    Why so much misery in a world with so much happiness?
    Some are born within love, others come to life to be beaten, raped and shamed.
    Some make a tantrum for a boy friend who does not text her good night, others hide an starve in the forest in their country in war, while the enemy cut into pieces one by one the members of their family.

    God’s game is not that funny. It might be called “spot the similarities in the different pictures.”
    Hardest game ever. Can’t spot any similarities.
    Life is not fair, yes. What else? What’s new?

    Oh but yes, wait, I do spot the similarity in all pictures, all situations.
    Life is not about fairness or about what my neighbor got that I don’t get.
    Life is about my happiness.
    My mind creates my happiness and the feelings I want to feel.
    Fairness is inside my mind.
    We all have the freedom to create the thoughts we want to create.
    We chose to feel free and happy or afraid, jealous and miserable.
    My happiness is in absolutely all the pictures made by God, in every situation, I can create it, because it comes from inside me.

    The girl hidden in the forest chooses to remember the laughters with her mother and she chooses to love the tree that hides her, and to become interested in the aints working besides her. She chooses to feel in agreement with her NOW..
    She could tremble and cry and wish there would be no war, but war would not stop. She could become crazy out of terror, fall ill out of anxiety and die behind her tree, it would not stop war.
    She would have been the one who killed herself, war would not have killed her, soldiers would have not killed her. She would have believed her thoughts that war was inside her, and she would have let her own mind kill her.

    The fairness of life is that even she can choose the thoughts that keep war outside her mind, she organizes her thoughts to keep peace inside and keep hope inside her and love for who she is in the NOW, in agreement with her surroundings, her reality.
    And when war is over, and nobody from outside of her has killed her, she is sane and safe, ready to start a great free glorious life in the open.

    Life is fair for whom can think.
    It’s about ME being fair to ME to vote for MY happiness from within ME.
    Because everything else outside of me is NOT fair, you are soooo right. And it is ephimerous on top of it. Which is good news, in case of wars.

    I’ve got to find love for me inside me, independent from what I do, from the people I know, the judgments made on me from outside, the job I have, the man I want.
    Because all that can vanish any day.
    And because they DO vanish someday, it’s bound to be.
    Things change within a life time.
    Even my body will let me down.
    I can rely on NOTHING outside my mind to know my self-value and to trust it until the last minute of the last day of my life.
    ME, I will always be faithful to myself, inside me, happy, if I found the right words to feed my mind with.
    The right words to think, to hear myself pronounce. To educate myself towards happiness.

    Did you want to be professor assistant in his field?
    Did you officially ask for it?
    Did he take the job from you?
    Would you change your opportunity to come to Europe and to finish what you are doing, against his job as professor assistant?
    Would you change the money you are making for your publications and translations against his salary as assistant?

    If the answer is “no”, what are you jealous of?
    What has his job got to do with you?
    Does he have what you want?
    Did he steal YOUR job?
    Or do you imagine this job makes him very happy and you want happiness?
    You don’t know what happiness means for him. You don’t know if he feels happy.
    Don’t even go there. The only thing you know for sure is he got a job.

    OK, you want happiness and you think he got yours, he stole it from you

    That is not true
    His happiness does not make you a loser.
    He has not stolen your happiness
    He got the job for him, not against you.
    What he has is not what you want in your life
    You are making different plans for you life than the plans he makes for himself.
    You chose to believe he has what you want
    You can chose to stop believing that lie right now.

    You have your life ahead of you with all the tool in hands.
    You can chose to start building your own happiness right now.
    Your happiness is yours, it belongs to inside your head
    You can chose to make it independent from his life and from what you assume is his happiness.

    You can chose to stop comparing to him and start to compare to your own idea of happiness and to start reaching your own happiness, independent from his life.

    His job does not make you unhappy.
    It is what you think about it that makes you unhappy.

    You can chose to stop thinking his job puts him above you.
    You are not even in the same scheme as him, you have different plans in life.
    You can chose to stop thinking he should not have the job.
    The proof that he should have it, is that he has it.
    God wants you to have something that suits you better and he wants you to start reaching for it now.

    You can chose to stop fighting reality and to love your NOW.
    You can chose to stop expecting anything about how X’s life should be.
    It has never worked. He has never said or done or felt anything you expected.

    You can choose to learn another new beautiful lesson from your experience with X.
    “A man will not stop climbing the social ladder while the woman gives him her precious time to make and raise his babies. Or you could have stopped your studies to work to pay his studies, it would be the same today. You went to the hospital for something he did with you, you fought fevers, it is the same. He did not stop climbing his ladder in the mean time, your reality does not interfere into his.
    When a man is done with a woman, he is done.
    It does not matter what sacrifice she was doing while he was working towards his interest. When he is done, he is done, new stage in life means new type of wife or lover.
    He is not grateful.
    He considers she did what she wanted to do.
    Which is true.
    So, make sure you are doing what leads to YOUR happiness and not to a man’s well being, ever again.
    Make sure you are getting a lot more from a man than what you are giving and make sure you are not abandoning your life.
    Don’t even look towards his bridge, don’t waste energy into jalousie.
    Keep it all to create your happiness.
    Because once a man reaches his goal, women who feel stolen hit a wall.
    His reality is HIS. He owes nothing to any woman.”

    The good news is that real men, good men are attracted to women who work for their own happiness. They want a woman focused on herself.
    That’s how life is fair for you.

    His reality is not related to your happiness at all.
    You can chose to accept it as it is. And to feel in agreement with your reality and accept and love yourself at last.
    Your thoughts are directly related to your happiness

    Chose them wisely.

    You can do it.


  452.  #452SummerBaby on May 19, 2011 at 7:43 am


    welcome back. so good to see you. I’m thrilled that you got to hear the “L” word. I have hope for me that it is coming soon. lol

    Tinque, hope you feel better and always enjoy reading your words.

    QB, Turquoise, Kaitlyn, LD, Lucy, Lilybelly and Boomer and all, I’ve enjoyed reading everyone of your posts. I’ll be spending less time here as I attempt to put more energy into treating myself better.

    I have been asking myself what would I do differently if I truly loved and accepted myself? So my self hypnosis efforts of late are focused on changing some personal habits. This has stirred up a ton of anxiety as the old me wants to keep things dysfunctionally safe as I’ve always known it – as twisted and painful as it is. The new me recognizes the fear for what it is. Scary stuff, but I want these changes and I’m determined to treat myself with love and respect.

    Hugs to all and continued growth.


  453.  #453Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 7:47 am

    thanks FW. its so hard to get stuck in a bad vibe when reading this blog. there’s just so much love and support here and reading the comments and stories always lifts me.

    the fear felt like i was holding on to ex husband with tight fists trying to force him do things my way. once i let go and physically opened my hands out and softened them i felt lighter. all my knots are loosening up and i am opening up again. i can do this and i’ll be ok no matter what happens!

  454.  #454Kyla on May 19, 2011 at 7:49 am

    @ mel

    happy anniversary 🙂
    i hope you have a wonderful day

  455.  #455Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Loneplum your words are not exactly comforting but they include real wisdom. They speak to me and provide real clarity that I have never considered.

    “The fairness of life is that even she can choose the thoughts that keep war outside her mind, she organizes her thoughts to keep peace inside and keep hope inside her and love for who she is in the NOW, in agreement with her surroundings, her reality.
    It’s about ME being fair to ME to vote for MY happiness from within ME.

    He considers she did what she wanted to do.
    Which is true.
    So, make sure you are doing what leads to YOUR happiness and not to a man’s well being, ever again”.

  456.  #456Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Summerbaby how did the interview go?

  457.  #457LonePlum on May 19, 2011 at 8:31 am


    I seldom recognize my vibe in my quotes in your posts.
    I feel uneasy.
    Do you edit them?
    You make me say things I have not meant this way.

    I can see what you want to do, I am fine with it, truly 🙂 but I wonder if you could put signs at the beginning of each new part for me to recognize it was not written in one block as you put it, It was meant to mean something else somewhere else.


  458.  #458Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:32 am

    Loneplum “Make sure you are getting a lot more from a man than what you are giving and make sure you are not abandoning your life”. Is so counterintuitive but thank you for these words. I will keep them in my consciousness.

  459.  #459Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I just cut and paste from different parts what resonates with me. No changes. Will try to put signs.

  460.  #460SummerBaby on May 19, 2011 at 8:40 am

    FW, I got through the interview. Got an offer from another source (previous interview not same one) and have decided to follow through with it. This will make three jobs. I could pursue one to take the place of the three, but at this point with my situation, this makes the most sense in terms of flexibility and future possibilities.

    This is the first time (at least I think so) I’ve chosen a position based more on how I feel than about a laundry list of pros and cons. It should be interesting to see if feeling based decisions are more beneficial than thinking/logic based decisions.


  461.  #461Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:43 am


    “A life without forgiveness is a life half-lived. There’s not one person on this planet that doesn’t have something or someone they need to forgive. When we hold these things inside ourselves, our life doesn’t flow. But, here’s the trick: we think because we hold a grudge in one area (like a business deal gone bad) we think it doesn’t affect our love life.

    Once you are wounded in any area of life (business, childhood, relationships, etc) it creates a block in our energy and our ability to attract to us the things we want, to get love. It also affects our ability to fully experience joy and abundance in our lives. When you look to see where you haven’t forgiven, go beyond your relationships, go to every area of your life,” she advises.

    So, Then HOW do We Forgive and Get Love?
    “The first step is to hold the intention to have the courage to look at these things. Because often when we look at these things it brings up a lot of self-judgment. It requires that we look through kind and healing eyes. Once you see an area where, perhaps you had responsibility, treat yourself with the same degree of love and compassion that you would give a friend. If you feel stuck, just start by free form writing the answer to this question: “what do I need to forgive?””

  462.  #462Femininewoman on May 19, 2011 at 8:45 am

    RE 460 Congrats Summerbaby. I was concerned because of the panic before the interview.

    Was it you who posted the info on the EFT Tapping expert? Do you mind putting it again for LD?

  463.  #463Brenda on May 19, 2011 at 9:06 am

    There’s a new thread up!

  464.  #464Brenda on May 19, 2011 at 9:12 am


    RE: #395 – You said, “And Brenduhlicious..Thank YOU too , I feel very inspired by your whole Sireny Self , your stories and good humoured reflections , but mostly by the way you have lifted yourself up. Go Brenda!”

    Thank you! That’s encouraging! I feel like I am in a good space, especially for being in the middle of a crisis move! Friends are really coming around me, and I am just keeping a focus of trust that all will take place that needs to for me to move! You should see my living room! it’s full of packed boxes and a stack of empty boxes! Four women are coming to help me finish packing tonight! I have a huge list of errands to do today…

  465.  #465Brenda on May 19, 2011 at 9:17 am


    RE: #398 – Welcome! I would say your girlfriend is not ready for a deeper commitment yet. It may not mean she doesn’t like you…maybe she just wants to get to know you better first and doesn’t want to hurt you in the long term by accidentally leading you on.

    For myself, I am very affectionate. But I don’t like to show that until I feel a deep bond with a man, and until I know HE is the man I love.

    Hope that helps.

  466.  #466turquoise3 on May 19, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Jilly!!!!! Yeah for the L word!!! 🙂 I remember when Dan (my one long term guy since my ex) told me he loved me for the first time. It was soon, and he’d been drinking…so I laughed and said, I think it’s the alcohol speaking. He told me he thought about me every minute of every day.

    It made me month 🙂

  467.  #467Lucy on May 19, 2011 at 11:31 am

    402 LD. Yes, thank you for that very accurate and beautiful description of what is in my heart and mind. I do feel and believe exactly the way you described.

    My trouble is that men like this come around very rarely. Two men in four years.

    That’s why I was so happy and excited when WH showed up… I thought the one – a rare man who fits what I want – had finally arrived.

    When it didn’t work out with him, I eventually got to the point where I knew that if another man came along who made me feel the same way (or better), I would forget all about WH.

    But no such man is coming along.

    And since I already knew I felt all those things with WH and that he does indeed exist, I at least knew there