When To Run

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stopThe Question:

Dear Rori,my name is Connie. I am 32yrs old and I am dating a 53yrs old man who is separated from his wife of 20yrs. They have two children. A boy and a girl of 20 and 17 yes respectively. We live in different countries.

Things were fine,he came to visit me and it’s been great. Some few days ago, he went to court with his ex-wife on a motion he filed. Since that day,his attitude has changed completely.

He calls me only if he wants to talk. And he makes the conversation so short. Whenever I call he will give an excuse and say he’ll call me back but never will. When I send him a text, he takes a very long time to reply. I have decided to let him be but I am hurting.

I am exclusive with him,he’s like my best friend we used to talk 24/7 so these few days is taking a toll on me. I have taken days off from work because of this.

Rori,please advice me. Do you think, this is a relationship worth waiting for? He says the trial for the divorce is in May. Does that mean that anytime he’s not happy, I must be forgotten? I am very worried and sad. I am planning to start a family as soon as possible. I am 32 and feel I should give birth. Please help me as early as possible. Thanks, Connie.

My Answer:

Run, Connie! Get away from this man as quickly as possible and begin Circular Dating eligible men who want family and children as you do.

Yes, short. Not sweet.

Why should she not even give this man a chance?

How about if she just stepped back, became non-exclusive, dated other men, and responded to him when he called or visited?

Because he clearly does not care!!!!

If he cared about Connie, and for her, he would be calling her.

He’d be trying to visit. He’d be Skyping.

Even “leaning” on her during this “tough time” would be “something.”

I say – “Goodbye…” and “Next.”

Connie, please let us know how you’re doing.

Get on online dating sites, start getting social, and you’ll quickly find a man who wants what you want.

Do not give a man who doesn’t want what you want – NOW, not “later” – the time of day.

Love, Rori

 

 

60 Comments

  1.  #1Elsie on February 28, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Hi all…..It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I will give details later but I just wanted to tell Kim that I’m fine and that I’m not logging into Facebook because I can’t bear being on there right now. I don’t even want to show up on Messenger at this point and just want to avoid it all. But Kim…if you want……email me. Its my first name then an underscore then my last name at yahoo.com and I’ll email you back 🙂 I just can’t go on facebook right now. Blah.



  2.  #2prplpsn28 on February 28, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Hi all. H still contacts me periodically. I respond but keep it short. I’ve been out a couple of times with a guy who is a mutual friend of mine and H’s but they have never “hung out” with each other we only saw him when we were together so I don’t feel awkward about it at all. I’ve also been communicating with a guy on the dating site for a couple of weeks. We had planned to meet for the 1st time last night but he hurt his back. He appologized



  3.  #3prplpsn28 on February 28, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    And has made plans for another time to get together and says that he will call me soon. So…I’m just going with the flow. It still is sometimes hard. I still feel the feelings of loving H.



  4.  #4Kim on February 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    What do I say to this post and particularly the last sentence?
    AMEN!
    Do not give a man the time of day who doesn’t want what you want….so simple and yet so profound and life and love-changing.
    Amen, amen, amen.



  5.  #5Kim on February 28, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    Oh Elsie hello!
    Now I feel intrigued…thank you!
    I was getting worried!



  6.  #6Emerson on February 28, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    This post is very dramatic regarding Connie and a good reminder that in less dramatic scenarios, holding on to “unavailable” men is not worth it…and leads to pain.

    Rori is correct that she should run away from this man, especially that they live in different countries. Long distance is almost impossible, imho.

    I had a lovely date last night, finally!! I met him on the dating site that I re-opened and he is close to my age, sweet, polite, successful, kind. Also he is attractive, and dresses nice. He actually offered dinner rather than a coffee date so it was a nice change. He was a complete gentleman and it felt nice to enjoy wine with him and relax with a nice meal.

    When the date concluded, he made it clear that he liked me and wants to see me again. I agreed. He is sweet. I feel excited to see him again and I can see myself kissing him.

    I noticed how I felt, a little akward and shy, but quickly relaxed as he was so nice. And I also noticed that I felt strange imagining myself with someone other than recycledcd…this is the first time I noticed this! I felt self conscious…and I just sank into the feeling and did the tools…waterwheel and eyes like magnets…open dance position, etc…..it was amazing …I felt open despite feeling self conscious….



  7.  #7Violette on February 28, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    I love my fear of A. This freaky scary relationship. That triggers me all over, like Labbit was saying. Every time I see him, before and after. During for sure. I go through waves of wonderful and waves of horrible, so often it’s confusing to navigate. I hear him say something amazing, then I hear him say something that turns me off.

    Thurs I had a crazy day, working so hard morning til night. He’d sent me a text and a voicemail and my phone died. I got home at 8ish pm and got a snarky text message, saying he guesses I didn’t feel like talking and good night. I replied, come again? And he said he preferred talking on the phone to texting and I told him to call me then. I was out of my mind that he would start something like that over nothing. He eventually called as if all was well. How are you, he says. I said not happy, what was that? I explained the day I had and that I would have called him shortly, and he basically told me to chill out and that his actions were “no big deal.” By now I’m not so happy. THEN he said we’d stay at my place the next night, I reminded him he’d promised me a night at a hotel, to which he said, oh, I don’t want to do that any more, I didn’t do it. I replied that I’d prefer he not promise me things if he isn’t sure because I feel disappointed for no reason then.

    He finally said let’s end the talk, I was relieved. He sent me sweet goodnight texts and I was not feeling them.

    LONG POST SORRY.

    The next day I get a call from him, apologizing because all I want is to feel heard and he’s going to work on that. To explain that he’s looked into hotels and they were pricier than he’d hoped, and that he should have explained that instead of writing my reaction off completely. To say that he felt hurt because he wanted me to initiate contact more and asked me if I would please send him a text message saying I’m thinking of him but can’t speak sometimes. I was floored, he was a different person, and it went from me planning the details of the breakup to feeling dreamy and in love, and he had managed to find a hotel after all and that was fun.

    This is my roller coaster. It feels constant.

    I’m doing my best to breathe into all of it. Fearlessly and with love. Easily, with dignity, with poise. To trust that I can care for myself enough that I won’t be run down here. To give myself credit for trying my best, I know I am showing up for the relationship and for myself as best I can. I am trying. And my best is good enough.



  8.  #8Violette on February 28, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    And thank you Dominique and Millie was it? For commenting on my post about A’s telling his friend about our sex life. I’ve chosen to forgive and forget for now, and if it comes up again I’ll share a preference with him. Beyond that I don’t feel able to look at it as something really positive, but at least I can let it go.



  9.  #9Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 4:50 am

    Violette!!! #7
    such an amazing melodious Siren song…
    Thank you for sharing…

    I have pasted and copied this:
    “I’m doing my best to breathe into all of it.
    Fearlessly and with love.
    Easily, with dignity,
    with poise.
    To trust
    that I can care for myself enough
    that I won’t be run down here.
    To give myself credit for trying my best,
    I know I am showing up for the relationship
    and for myself as best I can.
    I am trying.
    And my best
    is…
    good enough.”



  10.  #10Violette on March 1, 2015 at 6:18 am

    Azure Blue you have a wonderful way of continually shifting the focus to the positive. Thank you for seeing me that way. It is a powerful reminder of how I want to continue to see myself.

    I feel the immense power I give to men, any men almost, over my well being. They determine my safety. Like A’s behavior is going to impact my own safety, emotionally and of course eventually physically, as bad relationships have let to me hurting myself in the past.

    The trick for me is to, as much as I can, not be in the past here. To listen to my intuition, and to trust it. This takes courage. And it also feels like the only way forward, the only way for good to come of this.

    This morning my intuition tells me that he’s triggering me, out of his own fears. And that I’m not in danger. That I can stand in my own center and not get hurt. Because no other person has that power over me, in the long run at any rate. I have a secret power, which is forgiveness, and it heals all. And I can also relax knowing that I’m not trying to get myself hurt here. My intentions are in the right place. So no need to be afraid of myself.

    And I really hope that this experience will teach me that I can indeed hang in there with myself, and brave the terrors that come up in relationship, and come through the other end, and that I can find happiness in my love life. Real happiness. Like life partner and real connection and trust and fun and compatibility. Someone I enjoy showing off and keeping to myself at the same time. Because I’m doing the work.



  11.  #11Violette on March 1, 2015 at 6:25 am

    And this gives me confidence that I’m investing in creating the life I want.

    A treated me to a night in a hotel Fri, it felt like being out of town. It was fun. He treated me to another exorbitant, phenomenal sushi meal, and desert at another fun place. He made love to me and held me all night. He took me to brunch in the morning. He bought me new recording equipment I needed for my job and helped me set it up. He showed up for me. These things matter. As much as all the bad things, the good things count. He told me I was beautiful the whole time. These things do feel good to experience, and I want to acknowledge them too. It’s not all bad here. Not at all.



  12.  #12Bopa on March 1, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Just breathing, write something. Expand your body, soul to allow space for the influx of love. There is no purpose in me deflecting love other than the feeding of fears. My intention is to seek out any remaining barriers to my reception of intimate love. It is more than obvious to me that it is aimed right at me and coming full force. It feels…Overwhelming.



  13.  #13Lovetodance on March 1, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Bopa
    Yes I understand this



  14.  #14Labbit on March 1, 2015 at 11:35 am

    Violette — I can relate to the feelings of fear that come up, especially in wanting to give up my power to him and creating situations where he could hurt me.

    I don’t know how long you and Avocado (love this nickname!) have been together. I have been with TenderCD long enough now where I will tell him straight out things like, “We were so close and intimate last night that today I feel myself wanting to pull away. I’m scared of being loved so much…I don’t want to feel this way with you.” Just letting him know where my nasty voice is pulling me away energetically. I pick and choose when to let him know, sometimes I’ll simply excuse myself and go for a walk or to another room. Mostly I tell him.

    To my surprise TenderCD has understood every time I express this, and usually he’ll come back saying he’s felt something similar or give me a hug or something to recognize and ‘catch’ my feelings. In this way we’re able to recognize that these are triggers acting up, and then the blocked energy between us starts flowing again. It defuses any tension building up before it turns into an attack or fight. The first time I shared myself in this way I felt deathly frightened. I was afraid TenderCD would laugh at me, or see me as weak, or that what felt like extreme vulnerability would turn him off. It did none of those things — it brings us so close, opens my heart in the most full way and allows me to give to him in a way by sharing myself.



  15.  #15Labbit on March 1, 2015 at 11:37 am

    I only ask how long you two have been together because if you try this in a new relationship where the man or partner isn’t ready to ‘catch’ those feelings it can backfire, where he pulls away because he’s not emotionally ‘there’ yet.



  16.  #16Mandy on March 1, 2015 at 11:48 am

    J and I had a terrible fight last night. I think he was drunk. He was very mean in how he spoke, very sarcastic and very, very manipulative with his words. He made me cry. He got pissed that I came home late format he nail salon yesterday, to a messy apartment and that I went to go run when he was here at home after work. He said that he expects the apartment to be clean and for me to give him all my time when he is home from work.

    I thought since we were being honest with each other, to bring up sex. I said I wish you would have sex with me but I’m not yelling at you, and he said oh yes I feel so horny in this dirty apartment, as though it is MY fault we don’t have sex regularly. He also meanly said “What, you think if you come to kiss me you’re going to get sex?” I do not think that at all.

    He went deeper, and told me he doesn’t have those feelings (sexual), and he also said he is a coward for not dumping me, because he’s sure a therapist would ask him why he and I are even together.

    I do not take kindly to being people telling me what to do. I don’t take kindly at being domesticated, meaning being like a housewife where if she doesn’t get the chores done she gets yelled at. That is what my dad does to my mom and I hate it with all my passion.

    The reason why I didn’t get shit done yesterday is because I had a severe anxiety issue and had to take some xanax which made me very tired. If he can’t let it slide once in awhile because I’m not having an easy time, this relationship will be torture for me.

    So, right now I am in my feelings of extreme sadness and anger. I don’t even want to look at him right now.



  17.  #17Mandy on March 1, 2015 at 11:50 am

    Now he’s texting me to bring something to him at work because he’s having anxiety issues. He wasn’t very understanding about mine yesterday so I don’t want to. I guess I’ll have to reluctantly bring it to him…ugh. DO not want to even look at him right now.



  18.  #18Femininewoman on March 1, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Oh Violette 10 and 11feels so beautiful to read. It seems they are coming from a totally different person. Not defensive and prickly but soft and feminine. It is so wonderful to experience you peeling off the layers to your walls.



  19.  #19Femininewoman on March 1, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Mandy it sounds to me that I would be leaving that apartment messy more often. If that is what gets him horny that he would stay horny permanently and I would find a way not to be angry at his words. He would sure know that I love to experience him horny. I’d tell him I am visualizing him chasing me around the mess with it sticking out, trying to find a place for it to land. Shoot!!!



  20.  #20Femininewoman on March 1, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    Gemini Goddess I hope you are okay. Thinking about you.



  21.  #21Lovergirl on March 1, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    @16 Mandy-

    Your post triggers me because it reminds me of life with my emotionally abusive ex husband who didn’t want to have sex with me and was overly critical about everything. It makes me feel stressed out just reading about it. Then I remember how relieved I felt after the divorce to get away from him. I’m sorry you have to go through that.



  22.  #22Lovergirl on March 1, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    I haven’t heard from my guy since Friday afternoon. It’s been almost 48 hrs and I was just saying the other day on here that he’s never gone a full 48 hrs without contacting me. So much for that. 🙁

    It feels sad and depressing and scary. I worry that things may be over between us for good.

    I’m still doing work for him but that is all we have communicated about lately and I haven’t had to see him in person. It’s been over 2 weeks since we last saw each other. I feel kind of sick to my stomach, missing him, and with worry. Trying to take my mind off of it, but whenever I look at my phone or the clock, my heart sinks.

    I’ve been going back through Rori’s ebook, actually doing the exercises this time. Writing down the things I like about him, just makes me realize how much I really do love him. I really hope things turn around. :/



  23.  #23Lovetodance on March 1, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Wow FW. Never heard this part of you bawdy bold sexy siren.
    Thank you for sharing! 🙂



  24.  #24Mandy on March 1, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Lovergirl – Thank you for caring so much you responded to me….really, it means more than you think! Ya, it reminds me of my dad, who is overly critical of my mom a lot, but they have no qualms about getting in bed. They enjoy a power struggle, so when she walks away from him when he criticizes her, he likes it. Me, well, J just asked me to drop by his work to bring him something and I thought about it and did because I realized it was because he had something to say, and when I got there, he apologized up and down saying he was being a big baby, and that he just wants to be with me after work, a whole lot. He also said he’s afraid of seeing a therapist because he says he thinks they will ask him why he is not dumping me if he can’t feel sexual feelings. I told him that’s not what therapists are really there for, if you come to a therapist, they are there to help you work it out.

    Femininewoman – Thank you as well for weighing in, I like your attitude, though, I apologize, I didn’t understand what you wrote to me…did I word my post funny? It seems you responded as though I wrote that making the house messy makes him horny; I apologize if I didn’t make that clear. What I meant was that he told me it’s my fault he’s not horny because I leave the place messy. I know that’s not it. He was just trying to manipulate me into feeling bad about us not having sex so he didn’t have to feel bad about it at the moment, when he wasn’t exactly himself.

    When I went to bring him something at work just now, because I knew he didn’t need anything but probably couldn’t get through the workday without worrying, he looked at me like he had ran over my puppy dog. He had the saddest eyes and apologized and hugged me and cried a little. He was beside himself for talking the way he did, and I was surprised he remembered, maybe he wasn’t that intoxicated when we had the conversation. I just don’t get what inspires him to be so mean when we have fights. Usually it’s alcohol, but this is the first time he remembered anything he said or did during one of our fights.

    I need to make it clear to him that I don’t want a relationship where a man is micro-managing my stuff, telling me what to do and punishing me like a child if I don’t adhere to his standards. That is why I don’t want to get married…I’m afraid the man will settle and get so comfy he just stops with affection and all that, but it seems the same thing happens in live-in relationships. I feel like a damn housewife, like he’s complacent and just wants everything his way. He even admitted to being selfish last night because he won’t give sex. And that he’s afraid a therapist will tell him he’s a coward.

    I was thinking before he apologized…Hahahahahaha, yeeeaaaahhh, this isn’t going to work….if he’s okay with treating me like that….then he apologized, which I feel very disarmed about, but still pissed. I’m glad I reminded him of my own feelings though and he actually remembered them this time, and he actually knows how it goes when we fight.

    It seems since I’ve turned from being complacent into someone who won’t say yes to everything that he feels angry I’m not doing what he likes.

    Does this happen sometimes? I know my own dad gets mad when my mom says a feeling message. What the hell is THAT about???

    Why do some men get angry when we go Sireny?



  25.  #25Dominique on March 1, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Mandy – 24 – Because there’s a change in the status quo. Remember using feeling messages brings a man right into your heart, and if there’s some deep stuff which needs addressing in him, using a feeling message can bring it to the fore though for many if not most men, this is all going on unconsciously. So what he may have trouble understanding will creates frustration which can then come out as anger.

    xxoo



  26.  #26Mistea1 on March 1, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Well, I just got back from Evensong. It was beautiful as always. This is the first time I’ve attended anything in 62 days. The next to last piece was absolute transcendance. All I remember is the quiet placement of the hands for the last two notes. The last piece was incredible too. What a difference between that and the hamhanded playing where I presently go.

    I’ve been slightly triggered since I decided to go a couple of days ago. Four hours before, i felt stomach churnings but I reminded myself I was not going to see him I was going to listen and I could handle that.

    Since I came home I have been moving and sitting here in the quiet letting the music reverberate through me.

    I feel like I made a big mess of things just because of my love for music and the depths it takes me to. How could this have happened when all I wanted was to be love?



  27.  #27Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    {{{{Mistea}}}
    oxoxo



  28.  #28Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    MisTea
    You have done nothing wrong…
    This music man is UNAVAILABLE to any woman…
    He told you that!!

    You did the right thing…

    just like Rori says in this post:
    “Run, Connie! Get away from this man as quickly as possible and begin Circular Dating…(which you have been doing)
    “start getting social, and you’ll quickly find a man who wants what you want.

    Do not give a man who doesn’t want what you want – NOW, not “later” – the time of day!!”

    I am soooo sorry you are feeling so much sadness and yearning and missing…
    Keep looking at him as a mirror
    and continue going deeper
    to examine these triggers he is bringing up for you…
    This is your FREE therapy.
    oxoxo



  29.  #29Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    MisTea
    I am just wondering if maybe
    your feelings are about
    the familiarity with being invisible
    or having to WORK for love
    or believing love is being ignored?
    Watching from afar…
    Making up stories about his love for you
    and reading between the lines
    NOT listening to what he is actually saying?
    because that is what love was
    in your past…
    I hope I haven’t gone too far here…
    These are feelings I also struggle with
    and have found all of this in me…
    I do understand…



  30.  #30Mandy on March 1, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Thanks Dominique. He’s about to come home from work in ten minutes so I decided I was going to take a bath. Long day of shopping and cleaning.

    Grrr, I don’t want to be under his control and at his mercy.

    Let’s see if tonight can go a bit better. BIG sigh.



  31.  #31Mistea1 on March 1, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    Azure blu,

    Thanks for your reply. I am surprised to still have these feelings about this situation.

    I know he’s unavailable and even if he were to be available he would be very high maintenance. I knew this from the start.

    I was married for 25 years and my husband thought he had the perfect marriage. Course he didn’t ask me what I thought about that. I left and have been on my own and been happy with various relationships, friendships etc.

    Until this past year when the music appreciation and this man got mixed up in my life. I’m having way too much angst over this situation and can hardly function. I’ve had white light explosions, see colored sparks when he plays, hear Pucini arias with full orchestra when I talk to him etc, etc. Aargh.

    Well, i have to admit this has enriched my life too. Where is the resolution? What to do?



  32.  #32Mistea1 on March 1, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Oh, I heard him loud and clear. ANd I had to tell him twice that I didn’t want a relationship with him. When we talked we were in two different worlds. He did not
    address or acknowledge where I was coming from at all.
    I have since left this church to go to one down the street. Nice people there and they bring in good music too.



  33.  #33Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Mistea..
    you are an amazing Siren
    reading your journey over the past 2 months…
    I am VERY impressed and inspired with all the Rori tools
    you are using…
    All the LOVE you are pouring
    onto you…
    It sounds amazing (almost incomprehensable to me) the ground shaking and passion
    his music has brought up from your
    depths…



  34.  #34Lovergirl on March 1, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    @ 24 Mandy- It feels better to know he apologized. It sounds like he really fears being judged by a therapist, like he doesn’t think it would be a safe place for him to open up. My ex husband stopped going to marital counseling after like the second session and I ended up just going by myself after that. I still felt like it was helpful for ME.



  35.  #35Lovergirl on March 1, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    Well, he finally contacted me. It took him 50 hrs instead of being within 48. I guess that’s not THAT bad. I feel a little better. Still, it was only about work related stuff.

    I feel like he is attempting to turn our relationship into a work only thing. I wonder how long that will last? He tried the no sex thing after the last miscarriage and it only lasted like a month. Of course, I wasn’t cool with being “just friends” and told him that. So he chose going back to a sexual relationship. This time, nothing has been said.

    I miss him, but a part of me feels smug. Its like, if I miss HIM, then I know on some level, if he doesn’t already, he is going to miss me too. You don’t just go from seeing someone a couple times a week, every week, for months, to brief communication about work only, over text and the phone and feel NOTHING.

    Plus, we’ve always really had a ton of FUN together. I know I’m good company. I also know he will probably be asking me over soon to help him with a shipment of stuff he told me he ordered, so its not like I won’t see him at all. Even working together, we always have a great time. I’m trying very hard to LEAN BACK.



  36.  #36Mistea1 on March 1, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Well, you can imagine how surprised I was! Now I guess I want to find out how to make use of or integrate some of these experiences.

    I may have some avoidance issues, disociation, a subconsious fear of intimacy and not feeling safe. This is from my mirror of MusicTd.

    Perhaps all these things happening while in depth they may have subconsciously overwhelmed me. I think it may be able to be looked at over the next period of time.



  37.  #37Zara on March 1, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Copy-pasted from Rori’s blog: Backing Away Is Meaningless – It’s Your VIBE That Counts
    ______________________________
    Here’s a letter I wrote to my client June. She was looking for the exact ‘words’ to text to welcome a man who’s being very confusing, very hot and cold, very non-commital, and very short on time for her – home from a business trip:

    “The hardest part of loving a man – or anyone- unconditionally, is accepting the fact that he’s making his own decisions. He’s either feeling it or he isn’t.

    The power you have (and it’s considerable) – is in influencing the way he thinks and feels about you through the safety and thrills your presence in his life provides him.

    A woman’s best (and often only) chance in ramping up attraction with a man (and that’s what this is all about) is feeling more secure and comfortable inside herself, less like she has to ‘do’ anything to ‘get’ him, without damping down her enthusiasm for life and for him.

    So – if you’re ‘acting’ enthusiastic, but really feeling needy and desperate inside – that won’t work.

    Texts, by themselves – may be wonderful, and written in the best Feeling language – but, essentially it’s not ABOUT that.

    It’s about ‘Where you’re COMING from.’

    THAT’S what a man picks up on.

    Yes!!!! See – sometimes it has nothing to do with us. (Most of the time.)

    And if we make it about US – we do damage.

    He can smell fear, he can smell it when a woman puts him at the center of her life – he can feel the pressure.

    Backing away in itself is meaningless.

    It’s whether or not it helps YOUR energy and ‘vibe’ to do so.

    When you’re overcome by need, or feeling compelled to DO anything – it’s always best to back off, settle into yourself, feel what your feeling, own it, and wait to ‘do’ anything until you can communicate authentically and show up as free of tension and agenda as you can.

    Often – actually saying straight out that you feel shaky and weird and insecure is the BEST thing you can do in a tense moment.

    If saying those things out loud sends a man away then ‘so be it….’ It’s better to find out early if a man can ‘DO’ relationship and partnership.

    And just SAYING how you feel is always a tremendous act of confidence.

    You’re very new to all of this. See if you can let all these concepts, ideas and tools flow around inside yourself so you can begin to trust your instincts and intuition, and not ACT from defensiveness and discomfort and fear.

    I hope this makes some sense – I know it sounds a bit poetical…

    =And the answer is to LOVE your terror. Love the fear. Love the ugly.

    =Can you see what a difference this would make?

    =LOVE your mistakes…stop telling yourself you suck at anything, and when you DO tell yourself that – love the part that’s telling it to you!

    =It’s all about integrating your system harmoniously. Building it all around self-love no matter what. Then everything shows up better. Love your insecurity. Love it all. That way, no one can shake you up when it happens….

    I have utter, total faith in you….just keep watching me do the Tools on the programs, listen to them, do them 24/7 – just let them do the work for you in getting out of your brain.

    These things work on a subconscious level, on an emotional level.

    What you can do with your intellect around ‘shifting your vibe’ is pretty minimal.

    But if you just practice this constant slowing down, being aware, tracking, shifting your thoughts…it’ll just all fall into place for you.”
    ________________________________



  38.  #38lovetodance on March 1, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    zara…
    thanks for posting this…

    it feels very powerful to me



  39.  #39Beloved on March 1, 2015 at 9:02 pm

    37 – I wonder if that counts for roommate situations?
    I was cooking in the kitchen just a while ago, in dreamy yum post-massage bliss, when TG came in.
    The first thing he said was how he hates house shopping (he’s house hunting with his ex, who he may or may not be trying to get back together with. He has been drinking heavily the past few days….oy…).
    I said, “Oh, please, don’t harsh my buzz, I’m feeling so good right now!”
    He …actually came toward me, curious, “You’re feeling good? What’s up?”
    I told him I just had a massage and was in my Bliss Zone.
    I felt kind of bad and shrunk a little bit and avoided eye contact so I don’t know how he took it for sure.
    Now the NV’s are telling me how I disrespected him in his own house and failed yet again to use FM’s and I better not p!ss him off and be rude and mean because he’s going to kick me out.
    And I feel like I need to go to him and make it right, make it ok, because I feel insecure.
    **Sigh***

    Well, at least I got my homework done tonight 🙂
    I feel very good about that.



  40.  #40Nanceen on March 1, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    Dear Rori: I am so mad I could spit. I came to this forum for about two years. It was terrific. Still is. I got through a miserable relationship with someone that did not care about me at all. I was devastated but managed to date a few others with eyes open wide, using strategies taught by Rori. I was able to quickly see who was not right and then I met the right guy. One who is professional, educated, terrific, here for me, faithful, speaks constantly about our future, proposed to me, bought me a ring. He is a lawyer.

    The problem? Okay, here is where I am going to get very frank and earthy. The first year sex was great, he lasted a long time until I had my orgasm. Gradually he began to last less and less and now he is like a damn jack rabbit. He just keeps saying, “I can’t help it, you are so beautiful and I love you deeply and never had any one that felt like you. He has two to four orgasms a night with me. Sex is about five to two nights per week. I have tried to work with him and talk to him and say what I want gently or just guide him or ask to wait, etc. whatever, but he gets so upset and whiny or hurt. I am so angry now and feel like I could train him based on what I read but I am sick and tired of this little boy crap. I DONT WANT TEACH ANYBODY ANYTHING. I AM TIRED OF THIS AT MY AGE. He wasnt like this the first year, he says he was so nervous because he thinks I am so special and that is why he lasted so long. Well it was great for me but now I feel like he is a spoiled selfish prick. I know I am not being rational but I don’t know what to think or do. I feel resentful. I dont have to get off every damn time but now I never do. Who the hell could with this damn race car driver. Last night it happened again and today I was so angry I felt like throwing my engagement ring in his face. I held it in but he noticed I seemed upset and I just refused to talk, saying it was something else and not to worry. He is also so touchy and feely and constantly kissing and petting me, I find myself sometimes want to scream leave me alone for awhile. I am a person that needs serious alone time and then I can come out of it and love people. I manage to get my alone time while he is at work and feel great when he comes home but this is throwing me off balance. Other than that he is so sweet and good natured, helps me greatly in all areas of my life. Thanks for listening.



  41.  #41lovetodance on March 1, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    azure blu and mistea1

    i feel very drawn to your back and forth …

    both of you saying feelings, emotions that i can so relate to…

    mistea1.i so know how you feel…i too have felt ‘i just wanted it to be love ‘and it went sooooo south…for 3 [oh my god] years….but i learned…i learned…and i am still learning…about how unavailabilty , being ignored,
    being rejected just in the past has turned me on….

    so weird to say that
    think that
    acknowledge and embrace that….

    because now i feel the healing has begun…and its not like i haven’t looked at these issues before in my long rich life…its just that somehow now, with RR and this blog and the years under my belt…i am making headway….

    for me it is about fearing intimacy …fearing love coming towards me…like i will be engulfed or something…because i made my way with walls to protect what had initially been hurt…

    so it becomes so habitual…without even knowing it ….like habitually contracted raised shoulders that we don’t even know we’re doing…it may even hurt but we are so use to it..it feels normal…

    some big movement happening with me….i don’t want to think about it tooo much cuz that is my default…i just want to allow myself to love and be loved as fearlessly as possible….and most of all as healthfully for me as possible….



  42.  #42Emerson on March 1, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Hello sirens!
    It’s great to read about what everyone has been up to!

    I always feel inspired by your stories…
    How we can be flawed and yet remain gentle with ourselves …

    I appreciate what Zara shared in 37 because I can easily slip into gushing mode over a man…

    for example this new one I met online, I did feel a connection and I just feel happy that I was open enough to feel that!
    He was sweet and I wanted to kiss him ahahaha…



  43.  #43Emerson on March 1, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    I noticed one of my triggers is still jealousy and feeling threatened by other women in a man’s life if he is my partner…
    I don’t know if I will ever overcome this because of the deception in my past…
    I can’t categorize everyone because of one situation….
    Anyway I’d like to get past this feeling because it’s very destructive and I haven’t felt it in a long time but I can tell it is still there….



  44.  #44Bopa on March 1, 2015 at 11:31 pm

    Woven webs and interlocking loops. Connections in my mind. Egging myself on. Just write…Just put it all down and put it out there. Let it float around in it’s little piece of space.
    It’s a thin yellow haze this energy. I don’t like its color. Bile.
    It clings and echos ingratitude. And that’s just it…
    I do feel grateful. There is just no other thing at all left to protect myself with. They’re all gone on the breeze.
    I feel like I live my relationships in 2 places. There is the present place. Face to face, eye to eye, shining and lovely.
    And there is the “my world” place. In my head. Off in some land. Dreaming up and fully experiencing my own reality.
    “Where are you?
    What are you thinking about?
    Tell me a story…Tell me where you are right now.
    Penny for your thoughts?”
    Now i’m hungry so I’ll feed myself lol



  45.  #45Indigo on March 2, 2015 at 12:45 am

    I just wanted to write a post on being triggered.

    This is a mish-mash of thoughts I had on Mandy’s post about being teased, Gemini Goddess’s post about her man’s lateness, and Labbit’s post about how she and Tender triggered each other back and forth in the beginning.

    Whilst D has never teased me much, he did used to occasionally in the past, and I never knew how to respond to it. I knew he was just being playful, so I didn’t want to blow up about it, and yet I also didn’t want him to see me as a joke or a toy with no feelings. I never really said anything, but worked on my feelings about this internally. As I lifted the tension within myself around this issue, so the teasing virtually disappeared completely, to the point where it really is just a playful comment now and again, and he can see immediately in my facial expression if I don’t feel like playing and he apologises immediately. We didn’t have the lateness issue but we did have an issue where, when I came over, D would really take his time to come through and greet me and attend to me. I only once got upset about this, and it was a wake-up call for him as well. For me, it was a combination of setting a boundary and feeling out my own feelings on this matter, but all this work happened internally in me and now this is no longer an issue for us. He can feel the difference in me, and makes a special effort, and I am able to get clarity within myself how I feel about it.

    I really just wanted to confirm what Labbit was saying that I have come to see, over time, that things which trigger me are very often things inside myself which are calling for my attention. Very often it is an interplay where D and I are triggering each other, and it is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong, nor is it a call for a fight, it is usually just a sign for me to take care of my feelings. It can feel a bit uncomfortable for a bit though. In the past I was so unconscious of it all that if I felt triggered, I assumed he must be doing something to annoy me or out of line. Now I can see that is not usually the case. If he does trigger me as seems a little withdrawn, it is very often a reflection of something going on inside me. This is not a chance to blame myself, but to love myself even more.

    These days, like Dominique says, if I feel triggered, I try going with the assumption that it is something going on inside of me. If that doesn’t work, I take a step back from him and the relationship for a short while so that I can get a clearer picture of what’s going on.

    We are both extremely sensitive so we DO trigger each other, but that’s why I think it is so important to approach each other with gentleness. In our case anyway. But then again, I don’t know how this would feel different if I had major needs that were not being met. D and I do have sex regularly, and he also supports and respects my right to be myself, so he would never imply or expect me to be domestic or clean or cook, and I get to do this only if I want to.

    Mandy, I really feel for you. I am not going to offer any advice, but I can just say that I’ve been in variations of those situations before so my heart goes out to you.



  46.  #46Sami Wunder on March 2, 2015 at 1:47 am

    # Indigo 44

    I love what you said there – a trigger doesn´t mean a fight has to ensue or that one of you is wrong, a trigger, especially among loving couples, is just a sign to look inside, to find the lesson and to heal … to check within ourselves where we are coming from a place of fear or from our past … and to not let it run us.

    I am a coach but my wonderful husband still triggers me every now and then and then I try to go – YAY !!! Trigger time means Healing time!!! I know he loves me so why am I not trusting him in this moment? Why am I shutting down? What´s going on inside me? What do I feel afraid of? Which part of me needs love right now?

    It still doesn´t always feel easy but it helps me to think of it this way 🙂

    Love, Sami



  47.  #47Indigo on March 2, 2015 at 4:44 am

    Thank you Sami Wunder 🙂

    I know we’re probably not supposed to be singing the praises of other relationship experts on here, but I just love Dr Wendy Walsh. She doesn’t have the depth that I love from Rori and Dominique, but she has such a refreshingly common sense, engaging approach to love, men and encouraging women to respect themselves.

    Here’s one I liked: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNUT1n5Og5w



  48.  #48Mistea1 on March 2, 2015 at 5:15 am

    lovetodance 40,

    What you write makes a lot of sense. I know, on every level but one, this guy is not good for a rel. I knew when I realized this guy was a clone of my ex. even down to the ethnic group, that this was not going to work.

    So I might look at this being ignored, rejected, as stimulating my competitiveness too. As in ‘how dare he reject me I’ll do him first.’ I know he did that too when I did the Lean Back which he interpreted as rejection, I think. So there must have been some turn on on both our parts at this time. More to learn.

    You are right I probably have deep intimacy issues and use this as a way to protect myself. I wonder if we both have this issue and it was the cause of this large clashing between us.



  49.  #49Mistea1 on March 2, 2015 at 5:39 am

    Rori just had a post on ‘being turned on all the time.’ This is what I’ve been intending as well. i realized when I am turned on my writing and music making are a lot better and more juicy.

    When I came upon this music it really turned me on for some reason. I’m trying to get to the point where it’s not the man attached to this music that is the reason for the turn on although it could be a parallel reason.

    When this first happened I had no idea who was playing for the first 5-6 weeks. It was just the music and I realized what a great impetus it could be to my writing especially. I was all set to get some things published when I got tangled up with this person. Now I have to start again. Hopefully I learned a few things this time.



  50.  #50Labbit on March 2, 2015 at 6:40 am

    42 Emerson — To me it is beautiful that you can recognize your jealousy for what it is, just a trigger based on a past experience you had. That doesn’t mean that you are a jealous person…in fact I’m sure that you are not, that you are quite lovely. Experiences are not who we are.

    You needn’t worry about trying to overcome those jealous gremlins that sometimes pop up, or the feeling of being threatened by another woman. When they pop up notice them yes, and give them lots of love, and remind that them although you hear them you’re in charge and they aren’t reflective of what’s actually happening in your life right now.

    Seek to make these voices a part of you. They may never go away and that’s OK — my nasty voices are still here, probably always will be — yet the more you can accept them and understand them as a part of you, the less power they will have over you.

    I see such a wonderful blossoming in you!!



  51.  #51Mistea1 on March 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Azure Blu 33,

    I’ve read that some of the composers could hear their pieces complete and all they did was write them down. I wonder if my hearing that Puccini Aria was similar. Course it wasn’t original music but it did make me aware that maybe this is similar to what the composers heard. I wish I could talk to someone who knows about these sort of things and how I may make use of them in my life.

    Rabbi Boteach’s take on this and some others are that this is a type of cosmic orgasm,the lights, colors, music etc. Some of the old love songs refer to this.

    S o were these guys so turned on that they were able to access their talents? If women have a more intense sexuality then why aren’t there more women composers of note etc.?

    This inquiring mind wants to know!



  52.  #52Lovergirl on March 2, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Sigh…. I got a phone call from guy just after lunch. He said he was leaving work early because he has a headache. At first I was kind of happy and intrigued because he was being playful and teasing me about a mistake I made with work stuff, asking if I did it on purpose to get back at him, since I was so “mad” the other day.

    We talked for a little bit, then the real reason for his call came to the surface. He said he thinks that the sexual/emotional part of our relationship needs to end. He said since its not going to end up something long term that we need to stop. He was still talking about me coming over later in the week to help him with work related stuff, so obviously he’s not trying to end that part of things.

    I just said “okay”. He asked what I was thinking and I said that I just felt sad. He said at least I am not angry this time and that he feels sad too. He said he thought about calling me this weekend to tell me but that he just wasn’t feeling up to it. According to him he was thinking about it for a long time over the past few days and he just feels like its the best thing to do.

    I’m not sure what to think. Obviously, this is not really the way I want things to go. I DO feel sad. I can’t help but wonder if he really means it because he’s said stuff like this in the past and then everything changed and got more intense than even before. I just don’t know.

    I guess this is where I just accept what hes says and circular date? He made a comment about how this time he plans not to ask questions about other men that I am seeing or what I am doing (he usually gets obviously agitated when another man calls or texts me and asks questions).

    Another man actually called me like 30 seconds after I hung up the phone. This guy, I wouldn’t want to date seriously but he is someone I have slept with in the past. He’s extremely good looking, has money and is quite the charmer but he’s also very much a skirt chaser and seems to be in love with a new woman (usually in his office at work) every time we talk. :p Anyway, its at least a reminder that I don’t have to go without sex or dates.

    The truth though, is that I am very much in love with the guy I had the miscarriage with. He’s everything I could ever want in a man- and I’ve just always felt like he is someone I could be with forever. I really, really hope things turn around somehow. :/ I don’t know how, but if there is any way in the world it is possible I want to be with him.

    Meanwhile, the guy I went on a date with the other night has called. He is in Chicago right now, moving to a bigger condo there and has said he would like to fly me up sometime for a weekend, after we get to know each other better. It sounds fun, if a little frightening. I guess I will give him more of a chance and at least go on another date with him. He has asked me out for next week when he gets back.

    I keep trying to remind myself of what a man once told me “he’s not one IN a million, he’s one OF a million”. It sounds a little bit like what Rori says. 😉 I am reading Make Him Fall For You right now and hoping to glean something from that as well.



  53.  #53April Rose on March 2, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    Rori has posted a new thread!



  54.  #54April Rose on March 2, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I hear you and have felt the same as you.

    Then I began to question myself. Why do I say I am in love with a man who does not cherish and adore me?

    It took a LOT of working with Rori’s tools before I turned my body 180 degrees away from the man who wasn’t cherishing me, and began to move my energy away from him.

    He may well come towards me now. Who cares? I want more now, and I am already attracting that from new men. And it feels great.



  55.  #55Lovergirl on March 2, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    @ April Rose-
    Thank you for responding. I’m not at the place where I can turn completely away from him. Yet, I’m not breaking down and feeling miserable either. In that I have hope…



  56.  #56April Rose on March 2, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    ((((Lovergirl))))

    I hope you can turn towards YOU, and the strong arms you have on the inside.



  57.  #57Emerson on March 2, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Labbit,
    It feels so beautiful to read your message to me…. gentle reminders of what to remember when I face the gremlins/NVs…

    I feel grateful for your reply…it feels like falling to the floor and putting my forehead on the floor and letting out tears….

    To know that I can tell the gremlins of jealousy that they are not in charge of me…

    In the past their control has been overwhelming, destructive and draining….it did not serve me at all.



  58.  #58Rose on March 3, 2015 at 9:06 am

    I met a boy on facebook in 2012. its been two and half year.He was from the another city of my country. I am 20 and he is 24 now.
    when we 1st met we used to chat a lot. I never add unknown people. he was the first. He was caring and nice to me. I never had a bf. I am kind of serious and practical girl. I have been always with my study.
    But I fall for him. I realized that i started liking him. I didn’t accept that i love him. i was tying to convince myself that it was just a crush and it would fade soon. i decided to remove him. I told him that may be i am i little weak to him and i don’t want to feel weak for him. then i removed him.but after removing him i used to sent him text and he replied me.
    meanwhile i came to know something. he told me that he once had a gf but he never liked him. but he was another gf and he never told me anything about her. after some months i added him again. he accept me and talked to liked nothing happened. we became friend again.
    I gave him my number. that time we didn’t contact each other liked before.he didn’t knocked me first. But he replied me if i knocked him.
    It was my birthday. I asked for a gift. I said you won’t be able to give me. he said just asked. I didn’t want to tell him but he forced me to ask. I said I want you. He said we never met each other. so we should not think about it.
    then i didn’t knock him for two day. he knocked me first.
    after some months one night i called him for the first time. He didn’t receive the call and called me back after one minute. we talked for a while. He was nice to me. He told me about his father marriage. oh his mother passed away in 2011.
    after that we used to talked for hours. not everyday.
    after some months we had a great fight. actually i send him a text and his female colleague replied it for him. she kind of rude to me. i realized that it wasn’t him. so I stop chatting. later I asked him that was it him? he said no It wasn’t him. I called him and asked who it was but he didn’t tell me the name. i was really angry, i shouted at him. he was trying to explain me that wasn’t intentional. but i wasn’t hearing anything. I said I can’t continue my friendship with some one who can’t treat me well. then we didn’t contact for 3/4 months.
    I came to know that the girl who messaged me used to like him. she proposed him. but he said no. later that girl tried to commit suicide and admitted into hospital. but he didn’t go to see her.
    after 3/4 months we started contact each other.
    In December 2014 i went to his city. I asked him to meet me. he said no first. but I requested him then he said yes.
    but one day before our meeting he canceled the plan saying that he was sick.
    i came to my city and then we had a fight. he said that the girl who messaged me is now his gf. but 2 days before he said that she is not his gf.
    anyway i still contact him somethimes. we still talked to each other but not much.i never found his phone busy. I mean I have doubt that may be the girl is not his gf. coz she is older then him and he doesn’t like it.
    Don’t think that we had a lot of fight. in this two and half years we only fight 3 times.
    and asked him several times that should i stop calling him. he never tell me yes. Even when he said he had gf. He said I can call him and he had no problem to talk to me.
    I tried to move on. but can’t. after many thing i still liked him. I am busy in my life and i have no regret for not having a bf. even i am not looking for anyone. i am happy btw. but when i think of him and think that he will be never mine it hurts a lot.
    plz help me.



  59.  #59Rori Raye on March 3, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Nanceen, so sorry – perhaps not a great match? Or he needs professional help? Maybe even medical help? Option is counseling together – Todd Creager at http://www.ToddCreager.com is fantastic at this….Love, Rori



  60.  #60organic spirit on April 7, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    I’m struggling with a similar situation. He’s not married but living with his friend/ex from several years ago. He doesn’t have children with her, she has her own. But, they have this whole ecosystem of taking care of each other. It’s like he can’t admit that he can’t let go of the life he has established with her. It’s like she is his platonic wife and has struggled to make me a priority. I am finally able to admit to myself that he is not ready for what he said he wanted, no more future talk. Meanwhile I am having feelings for my ex husband which I have accepted as real and a possible chance for reconciling. Right now I just want to be free again to explore my options and see where it takes me. I just can’t seem to gather the strength to end it. I still love him and am afraid of hurting him cause I know it will devastate him. What do I do,or say?