When Trying Harder To “Get It Right” Just Makes Things Worse

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The Question:

“Rori, I just hate myself for the way I talked to my man last week, and he’s backed away from me completely. I keep trying to make it better, explain what happened, but it all just gets worse… Help! Lost”

My Answer:

Lost, Hi, I’m not sure you’re going to want to hear this, it’s my version of “tough love” – and I’m just going to treat you with respect and love, and say it anyway, as direct and soft at the same time as I’m able:

The way you’re operating now: experiencing so much intensity over what you “once did” and “trying to right it…” is causing you to make the same kinds of communications as the one you’re so upset about now.

All coming from the same place.

This intense urge to “get it right” and somehow have him understand – as if you could somehow explain it and he’d understand…it just doesn’t work that way.

Men don’t work that way.

You can’t make a man feel safe by explaining.

You can’t make anyone believe you’re a good person (and you ARE!!!!) by explaining – not even by apologizing over and over.

It’s their EXPERIENCE of you and the VIBE they feel that creates attraction.

This is not about forgiveness, which you seem focused on – but about ATTRACTION.

The only way to go here is DROP THE PAST.

And I really mean it.

Yes, wanting to “clean things up” is an admirable thing.

Saying “can I have a do-over” is a great thing in a relationship.

Apologizing, too.

Yet, none of that helps YOU get your bearings in a way that shifts your vibe.

The thing that DOES work, is in Loving everything that’s gone on.

Once you stop attacking yourself – your vibe will shift.

That’s something a man notices.

Once YOU are okay with YOU – he’ll notice.

A sort of peacefulness and Siren-quality begins to take hold in you.

Trying so hard to get ONE communication “right” feels obsessive to him, and that doesn’t feel good.

Yet – it’s practicing, continually, this new language of feelings with everyone, everywhere, all the time – and here, with him most of all (instead of strategizing, thinking things through, figuring stuff out) – that shifts your energy.

All the head stuff does is make your energy field murky and unattractive.

Bottom line – that’s what you want to be about – ATTRACTION.

And if we try too hard to do ANYTHING, that compromises the attraction.

I know how hard it is to accept this – because it doesn’t give you answers.

Because you can’t figure out Attraction!

It’s in the VIBE.

That’s why it’s so important to Radically Accept, forgive, love yourself, and NOT think too hard about stuff – and to Circular Date so you can PRACTICE this new language, this new vibe that doesn’t come from your head.

Hope this is helpful – and I want you to know that what you’re going though was MY road!

I identify with you completely.

And I can say with complete sureness that once you “get” it, through practice – it’s like the clouds part.

Love, Rori

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