When You Are So Angry – All The Time – What To Do?

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traintracksHere’s a letter from Anna, a client, who pushed back at me during our session, and then later had an “aha.” I came up with an image during the session of two train tracks: one heading off in the direction of anger, fights, wanting to be “right” (the one she’s ON that’s been wrecking her relationship) – and one going in the direction of the Tools, of Listening To Him even if she doesn’t LIKE what he says, of not making judgments, of being willing to shift from her insides out as well as from outside in:

“Dear Rori, you look like a sweet fairy and you are so warm at the same time you are so tough and cut things to the chase. I am overwhelmed and impressed how you boiled my situation down and sort of solved it in 60 minutes by pointing out the options and giving me the tools I need. Leaving the choice whether I want to be sad and miserable or brave and happy up to me.

I know I wasn’t comfortable a lot of the time with what we were working on – and now I see you could have made me feel more comfortable, wasted our entire time and made a lot more money off me.

So I am now determined to stay on the new train I chose even thought it feels weird and new.

Unfortunately my fiance said that he is very scared of me and my fights and therefore can not imagine to get close to me anymore – sex because it triggers fights he is tired of. This is very frustrating for me and I do not know what I should do about it. Anna”

My Answer:

Anna – yes, you’re right. I’d rather tell you straight out what I think’s going on and what can help you than soft-soap you and get more money out of you.

I’d rather you spend your money on my programs (especially Love Forever for clients) and work with them 24/7 than spend it on private sessions with me – because it’s all about the work YOU do when I’m not there! With the programs – I’m ALWAYS there!

So – all you have to do is ride that train.

Do NOT start or even ALLOW yourself to PARTICIPATE in any fights.

Please just keep working on everything we worked on to manage your anger.

If you’re patient, and working hard at this, sooner or later he’s going to notice.

And he’s going to want to have sex with you.

When he does – you will be so loose, so smiling, so happy, enthusiastic, sweet and NO FIGHTS, NO BLAME – he’ll forget all about the other stuff and you’ll get back together.

That’s the fairy tale, it’s possible, and you can DO this.

He doesn’t need you to be completely bland with no fire, no anger.

He just needs to NOT be the person you are attacking in anger.

If you don’t like him, or don’t trust him enough to stop judging and blaming him – then leave him.

Those are your two choices.

It’s not possible to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust, and who you keep TELLING that you don’t trust.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Relationship Surgery on July 1, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I totally agree with Rori. When you learn to take control of your anger, you will be able to start working on the trust and intimacy with your partner. Good luck

  2.  #2Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Reposting from the last thread:

    Elsie: Please relax and have fun at lunch! ENJOY IT, ENJOY IT, ENJOY IT!!!!!!!!!!!

    My goodness…GS asked you for a “pause” only two days ago. He said he can’t give you more than what he gives you at work (even though he admits he knows you need more than that). He said he feels “guilty” that he can’t give it to you. GUILTY. Not sad. Not lonely. Not desperately missing you. Not longing for you. GUILTY. He indicated it would be a year or more before he can give you what you need. He asked you to not tell him if you date other men (which means the “idea” of having you all to himself is enough…he doesn’t actually NEED you all to himself, he just wants you to agree to let him fantasize about it). Elsie…

    After all that giving and agreeing and leaning forward on your part (look back at your comment. You leaned forward and went to him twice before your talk last week. On the other hand, he left a DVD player on your desk when you weren’t there and went to his own office and leaned back and waited) all that and staying with him with the understanding that he need make NO effort for at least the next YEAR outside of work and THEN he’ll give you the life you want…well…at the VERY least, you deserve a fun lunch date! You must see that, right? You deserves some lean forward attention from a man even if you promise not to tell GS about it.

    Please, please, please tell me you know you deserve and have every right to this lunch…PLEASE!!!

    Much Love,

  3.  #3April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 8:55 am

    I feel excited, and scared, and utterly delighted that I may have found the very thing I need.

    This will not appeal to every woman here (maybe none). And beware, trigger alert…

    What would you think if you read this:-

    “Welcome to Taken In Hand, a website about wholehearted sexually-exclusive marriages in which the husband wears the trousers and is firmly in charge (to his wife’s delight!)—and he always puts his wife and their relationship first. Putting her and the relationship first is the key to creating a marriage in which the man is in control in a good, healthy and sustainable way. Taken In Hand wives tend not to claim to be submissive (though their husbands may well consider them to be so) but they do respect, honour and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them.”


  4.  #4April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 9:06 am

    If Anna from the above posting were to consent to a Taken in Hand relationship, then more than likely she would receive a good spanking from her man if she disrespected him.

    What amazes me when reading the personal accounts of the women who are in these relationships is that they feel warm and cared for and respected by the man when he shows them who is boss. They also find it erotic.

    This appeals to me BIG TIME. I am an unruly strong-willed woman. I have come a long way towards respecting and honouring the masculine by using Rori’s tools.

    Yet, I feel there is more to discover. I want a gentle man who focusses his authority on me. It would be a turn on.

    In my fantasies, anyway!!!

  5.  #5Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:11 am

    @Sassy – you say I can control my reaction. Thats the problem. Right now, I feel like I cant control my reaction. I see him sitting over there and its like the silence is deafening. The phone not ringing is painful. I feel so rejected that he wouldnt WANT to crave me, be with me, etc. Its so hard. I dont feel like I can control it. I guess I can, its just I’m not at a place right now where I can.

    @ Mercedes – I feel guilty in not telling him, because he said on Friday he is not going to see anyone else, and I said the same thing. So, I feel guilty even though this is just a friend thing. Its hard for me, so please be gentle. 🙂 I do feel like he knows that he is selfish, and sort of wants things on his terms, and he loves me but I dont know if he is capable of more. You are right. He knows I need more and cant step or wont step up. Whats to say that when we are actually together, and I want him (not NEED, BUT WANT) him to step up, again his needs will outweigh mine.

    I also feel like a few months ago, I finally was so vulnerable and was intimate with him. That is what makes this even harder. I dont regret it at ALL, it just makes it harder. It makes me feel like he has that for a few months, and now he is done with the chase or something. I dont know. I feel soooooo rejected.

    I just thought he would text me over the weekend. I really thought that. We even talked about watching a movie at night or a show at the same time like we used to but I never heard from him.

    I just feel very lonely and rejected. I cant seem to understand why he ONLY FEELS GUILTY, and not lonely, not missing me, not desparately wanting me.

    I know this. I cant just be a work buddy, and still feel this way. I am so surprised that he hasnt come over here yet today. I feel like I made that CRYSTAL CLEAR that is what I needed and he agreed.

    And now, he is talking to that lady again. He doesnt need me, he just needs someone to fill the space.

    I’m not in a good place today.

    And Mercedes, I do feel guilty about going on this lunch date. I’m excited and happy, and then I start to feel a wave of guilt. As stupid as it is, I feel like if I go and have fun, then I’m ruining what future GS and I might have together. I know thats crazy. I feel like if he knows I’m CD’ing then he will pull away even more.

    Help me get through this and understand it. I’m really trying to grow but I”m confused, and hurt, and feel rejected and just want to do what is right for me.

  6.  #6April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 9:18 am

    “. I feel like if he knows I’m CD’ing then he will pull away even more.”

    If he thinks you’re holding out for him, then the pressure of all your eggs being in his basket may make him pull away for good.

    I’d let a fella see me enjoying my life, witnessing the pinkness of my cheeks and my laughter. Much more attractive than the pale pallor of holding out for someone guiltily.

  7.  #7Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:22 am

    I know exactly how I feel.

    I feel like I’m standing on the edge of the plank getting ready to bungee jump. I see the safety of the land behind me. I want that safety, but I cant have this experience without jumping off. I am so scared. I’m scared I’ll die. I’m scared I wont do something right. I’m scared of the feeling I will have when I jump and I’m scared of the feeling I will have when I’m falling.

    I know I will feel relief if I just jump. But I cant. I’m sort of wedged in this place between the safety of land (pretending everything is ok and holding on to what I “want” to be instead of what really “is.”) I want to run back to the land (to GS) to just what I know is safe. He has been there for me for over a year, and I want that safety. I crave him holding me.

    But I know that he sort of doesnt want to hold me right now, and that is painful and hurtful. I dont want to convince anyone to be with me, or chase anyone to be with me.

    I need to jump…..for me. Either he will be there when I get lifted back up from the jump…..or he will be gone.

    But I need to jump. And I’m just standing there, and I’m just so scared. Going back to land would feel horrible but safer. Jumping would make me feel like I’m going to die. And I’m just stuck in limbo, which feels horrible too.

    I feel like all choices are horrible right now from my perspective, even though I know if I just jumped I would feel proud, and feel relief.

  8.  #8Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Logistical question: He told me not to tell him if I CD. He said that it would be hard for him to handle, etc. Do I tell him anyway?

  9.  #9April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 9:23 am

    “I just feel very lonely and rejected. I cant seem to understand why he ONLY FEELS GUILTY, and not lonely, not missing me, not desparately wanting me.”

    Because he’s just not that into you.

    Sorry for being brutal. It happened to me. It felt horrible. I was in a wild panic, out of control, nowhere to run to, wanting to scream, to MAKE him want me.

    I turned it around, with vulnerability and with all of Rori’s tools.

    I want to give you hope, because there is hope.
    I needed to be the happy me I was before I met him. It brought him back. The twist in the tale is that I had to drop all hope of him coming back.

  10.  #10Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:27 am

    April Rose – Dont be sorry for being brutal – that wasnt brutal – it was your opinion and it was honest. I think that I need to sort out what I need, etc.

    When it happened to you – how long had you been dating?

    GS went through somethign similar last fall. It lasted about 5 weeks, and then he was right back with me.

    I’m wondering if this is the same thing or not. But if it is….I still question if I can handle it. Or if its fair to me. Etc.

    I am sincerely interested in your story April Rose, how long you had dated him, and what you really did to bring it back. When you say Rori’s tools, did you use just the ebook?

  11.  #11April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 9:28 am

    “Logistical question: He told me not to tell him if I CD. He said that it would be hard for him to handle, etc. Do I tell him anyway?”

    I only discuss such matters with friends. Not with friends I want romantically, and not with potential suitors. If pressed, I like to say “I’m keeping my options open until I have the relationship I want”. No further details required.

  12.  #12Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Drop all hope of him coming back. That sounds like a theme here – April Rose and Mercedes both had to do that. Interesting…..just connecting dots here.

  13.  #13Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:30 am

    April Rose, well, I sort of told him I wouldnt date anyone else after he said he wouldnt date anyone else. So, I think I feel like I would be lying if I didnt say I was CD’ing. But then, he did tell me not to tell him. So I’m torn and want to do the honest right thing.

  14.  #14Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Can someone repost the girlfriend speech? I cant seem to find it.

  15.  #15Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Elsie: “Logistical question: He told me not to tell him if I CD. He said that it would be hard for him to handle, etc. Do I tell him anyway?”

    For me, I told J. There’s no reason a man should be allowed to think he has you all to himself when he really doesn’t. I personally would tell GS. “I know we talked about dating other people and we both said we wouldn’t but I’ve thought a lot about it and that doesn’t work for me. I can’t have just a platonic work relationship for the next year until you figure out what you can/cannot give me. I’ve decided to start dating again (starting today. In like 10 minutes).” Or something like that.

    He’ll either pull away or lean forward but…if he pulls away…just a question here…how much further can he actually pull away and you still notice it? He’s already about as far back as he can get (offering only friendship and work and then not really even cashing in on that) and says that will continue for the next year. If you “lose” him, at this point, all you will be losing is a work buddy. Next year, when he can offer you more, trust me, if he wants to , he WILL. You dating while he’s cleaning up his life will not stop him if he’s in love with you. Actually, it’ll probably speed up his process.

    Much Love,

  16.  #16MovingMagic on July 1, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Elsie, everytime I’ve dropped all hope, became super focused on myself, my needs, passions & overall peace and well being, one of two things happened (usually both) I met someone new, & the old guy came back. Haha, usually by that time the old guy seemed pale & worn out in comparison to the new me. 🙂

  17.  #17Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Elsie: I never said drop all hope of him coming back. If he’s in love with you, he will come back…and might even happen pretty quickly if you decide to cd. I’m not out of hope for your relationship at all. I’m just saying he’s doing NOTHING right now and he sort of has you on a stringer for a full year while he sorts it all out. If it were me, I’d tell him to give me a call when he’s in a better place. I don’t think I would agree to the year. And I think I would tell him.

    Much Love,

  18.  #18Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Also Elsie: I agree with him that knowing you are cding will be hard for him to handle. It was hard for J to handle too. I think it would be hard on almost any man. Reality is, it is not a woman’s job to make emotions easier for a man to handle. He’s got to learn that all on his own and he’s got to take the steps to do whatever it is he has to do, as a man, to take care of YOU….or he’s got to know he could lose you.

    Some guys forget there are other fish in the sea. Sometimes it’s okay to remind them…

    Much Love,

  19.  #19seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Elsie- I feel so excited!!!! Oh my …breathing ……………. Okay so the guy I was seeing said and did almost the exact same things GS is doing and saying!!! I did that relationship for 6 months……………… He said he didn’t want to know if I was going to see other men(CD)……………. I thought about for a few days and I didn’t like the feeling of omitting, lying…….. BOUNDRY! MINE! OWNER! So, I told him I couldn’t see him because I was going to to CD. I didn’t think of seeing other men, I wanted to revel in my Oneness………… looking at mens bottoms and feeling just ME……………… He texted over the next while and I hurt and was feeling the pull to go dive back into the swirling drain that was that relationship……………. I told him not to contact me, thank you for what we taught me, but I have to go, this is hurting me………………… Sweet sweet BOUNDARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please breathe through those feelings, down deep to get the release, the grip will lessen and then……………….. breathe again really really deep!………….. close your eyes……… and then JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    We will be here sweet Elsie, you all were here for me when I jumped and I am soooo very thankful for that. For my life and all the beauty that is here in this new land!!!!!!


  20.  #20seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 9:45 am

    I wrote thank you for What WE taught ME……………………………… whoa! hehehehehehe!

  21.  #21Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 9:51 am

    1. Basically the “No Girlfriend” speech (If you’re ready to be married in your life, and you’ve been Circular Dating or wanted to do it to help yourself get emotionally in the best place to encounter Mr. Right):”It feels great to be with you…and I’m not looking to be a girlfriend, I’m looking to be married, and I feel a bit uncomfortable shutting down all my options unless marriage is sort of on the table…”

    (By the way, I’ve heard this before – a man who says will not date you if you are “seeing someone else.” This scares you into compliance – it works most of the time.)

    The only claim a man can possibly justify along with his “living day to day” plan, is the worry that you will be sexually involved with another man, and not being willing to tolerate that.

    Reassure him.

    However – how any man can get upset by you having lunch with another man, or coffee with another man, or flirting with another man because you will not commit yourself to him without what you want – and I hear that what you want is marriage – is beyond my ability to tolerate.

    I really don’t care if he “doesn’t want to date you because you will feel free to have lunch with another man.” Because he isn’t offering anything.

    Now – that said – go ahead and experiment:


  22.  #22Heart on July 1, 2013 at 9:53 am

    i feel a little exhausted by the Elsie situation (No insult or offense intended Elsie. You’re awesome & a very authentic poster) ….Seems like ever tiny development gets overanalysed and debated…As Rori would say: this aint the Huffinton Post.

    Elsie – I would encourage to just tell GS you’re going to meet a friend if he asks. At the end of the day, you are in a monogamus relationship and did promise to not date anyone so you want to start seeing other ppl, then I would encourage you to let him know. Don’t do anything that compromises you’re integrity. Xx

  23.  #23Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Seahorse: I noticed that and loved it. 🙂 I thought you meant to word it that way. lol

    Much Love,

  24.  #24Heart on July 1, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Huffington post …over-analysed

  25.  #25Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Wow I took a couple of days off to get caught up here at home… and do some inner work… and lots and lots of action here…

    I’m feelling sad that I don’t have the time to keep up with all the posts…and respond as I would like…

    I’m really having to dig in and get things done and try and find a better way to bring in income… but I’m reading the posts as much as I can…

    @ Elsie sending you love! {{hugs}} trust your path and trust that the right man won’t want to let you go…

    <3 {{{HUGS}} to everyone…

  26.  #26April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 9:56 am

    We’d lived together for three years, WM and I. Then I discovered Rori and decided to circular date, because I felt neglected and low-priority in his life.

    My CDing didn’t go down well. He got angry (good sign, according to Rori). Anyway, I broke up with him because I thought I was in love with someone else.

    It wasn’t until he showed interest in another woman, and he ‘checked out’ from me, that i got the wake up call. It felt so painful, like he had severed the bond between us. I felt devastated.

    I didn’t use any tricks. I simply sank down, down into my feelings.
    Even when I walked in on a mutual friend quizzing him about his new love interest, and the two of them going suddenly quiet when I walked into the room (in my house) I stayed vulnerable. I said “no need to hold back the conversation to spare me pain. It already feels painful. It feels like heartbreak.” I think they were stunned by that. (Part of me wanted to attack, and bash their traitorous heads together, yet I chose the vulnerable path).

    He spent some months being smitten with the new lady. I backed off, turned my attentions to myself and the thoughts of the excitement of finding someone who’d be truly into me.
    I focussed on the feelings I wanted to feel with a man. Rori’s Love Forever program helped so much.

    Yes, I think that’s what did it. Someone on this blog has called them ‘feelingizations’. I love to focus on what I want to be feeling, it makes it seem so possible and within reach.

    In the meantime, I allowed WM to take care of me. For example I cut my finger accidentally, and cried. He bandaged it up for me.
    I was struggling financially and he stepped in to help.

    In short, I became more vulnerable than he had ever seen me.

    AND, I was willing to attract love from elsewhere. I was genuinely open to other men. Other men were responding to my softness and vulnerability. The rawness of rejection made me sweet, not bitter.
    I felt appreciation towards all men, him included. No special treatment for him, and no lesser treatment either. In my mind I made him equal with all men.

    It took many months for me to feel that he was seeing me this way. The energy shift was slow, and subtle.

    He came back to me gradually. I didn’t seize it eagerly. I carried on as above. It has been three months since he came back to me, asking to be with me. I tell him I am thinking about it. I am still open to my Happy Ever After coming from an unexpected direction. He hasn’t won me yet….

  27.  #27Dominique on July 1, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Elsie – 8- Why would you tell him if he asked you not to? Are you deep down wanting to hurt him, as he seems to be hurting you?


  28.  #28April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 10:00 am


    Tools that would be great in your case are all the ones that create a higher degree of difficulty (men value what they have to work to attain).

    This is in Targetting Mr Right.

  29.  #29seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Mercedes!!!! Hahahahahahaa!!!! And my “I”‘s are capitalized………….. Woooo Hoooo!!!!!! Big Hugs!

    On a side note……. I love your yoga learning journey. I believe that was how I healed in a gentle way, a complete way. I sent out a plea for help and was answered………….. I feel an internal agreement with all I learned from yoga. That felt really great to write. Thank you for sharing your journey Mercedes:)

  30.  #30Dominique on July 1, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Elsie – That said, round and round you go with this. I’ve mentioned this several times. You really, really, really need to fill up your life with all kinds of anything but him.

    What do you love to do? Do it. Find something new if you don’t have something familiar to fall into and savor, enjoy.

    I made you a list of many questions to explore within yourself on the last thread – maybe the one before. Have you explored?

    Your focus is so much on this man, you’ve lost yourself in the process.

    What he does or doesn’t do is not the issue. YOU ARE.


  31.  #31Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:05 am

    #15 Mercerdes makes a good point. “How far back can he really go?”

    Em blog …i know the difference between your & you’re ….lol….I just um type reall fast and my phone’s keypad is well you know how it goes….

    Btw Anyother guy…a friend who throws events & parties …he invited me out to celebrate something I accomplished like 8 months ago…and I declined the offer and he never invited me to anything after that….just sent me an invitation to his party. I feel Surprised again! He wasn’t a cd….but something is definitely in the water…or atmosphere…

  32.  #32Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:06 am

    #30 Completely agrees.

  33.  #33Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Dominique: I think when a woman has those “guilty” feelings or feeling like she’s cheating or, as in Elsie’s case where she actually told him she would NOT be cding, it isn’t about hurting him…it’s about living with integrity and alleviating all of those negative emotions associated with it. I also think it doesn’t hurt (at all) to let a guy know that his current offer is not good enough.

    Seahorse: 🙂 Thank you so much!!! Here’s today’s lesson (which I LOVE):

    We can become too used to what is usual and miss what is important. Today on your yoga mat, choose to practice a strong twisting pose. As you do, visualize that the pose is untwisting the knots that bind you, so you can experience with freshness that which is truly important.

    Much Love,

  34.  #34Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Omg Elsie Blog Somebody…please go out kiss a tree and tell iit something revealing…

  35.  #35Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Heart: It’s not going to be me. I’m at work and I work in a building that is top to bottom windows. I’m not going to be comfortable doing that with everyone watching…

    🙂 🙂

    Much Love,

  36.  #36seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Mercedes- YES!!!!! That is perfect! All the while feel what is below the surface and comes up……….. a surprise emotion, a feeling that releases…… I think thats what happened in class the day I cried and several other times too. I was practicing very intently with Rori’s tools, seeing a therapist and my yoga teacher was a professor of womens studies at the local college………. She and my therapist knew each other and I had given permission for them to discuss my healing…… my issues…………. I feel such a welling up of gratitude for the women in my life. Every lady I smile at and feel so much gentleness for all of us. We are all so lovely. Tears of awe……….. I love yoga:) I love all

    Thank you Mercedes
    Thank you all

  37.  #37Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:23 am

    lol Mercerdes

  38.  #38seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Okay Heart!!! I’ll be right back!

  39.  #39Indigo on July 1, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I just want to say, I know how it feels for this advice to feel a million miles away.

    Sometimes I feel so gentle-hearted that I wonder if I can ever command the kind of respect from men that Mercedes seems to, for example.

    Sometimes I want to be strong and say no, but I’m just too daydreamy and gentle and full of love, and it just isn’t in me. And the thing is, I LIKE being that way. So sometimes I really feel at a loss.


  40.  #40Andrea on July 1, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I was asked out on a date for Tuesday night. He said, “Let’s meet at such and such.”

    At first I said, “Okay.”

    Then later I thought about it and I was feeling out of sorts. I was feeling confused as to whether he was paying, whether he was pursuing me for a date, or wanted to meet as friends. I got really clear with in me about what I wanted.

    Right now, I’m not interested in male friends. I want to be dated, pursued, paid for. I sent him an email. I said, “I feel a little hesitant to write you. I know that I agreed to meet you at (such & such) and I feel happy that we are going to spend time together. But I also feel a little confused about whether you are pursuing me for an actual date or are wanting to meet as friends. I would feel most comfortable if you are wanting to date me, if you would come and pick me up and take me on an actual date. What do you think?”

    I was fully expecting him to be turned off and not want to have anything to do with me because maybe I was coming off as high maintenance. But instead, he texted:

    “I want to come and pick you up. Where do you live. I’m looking forward to Tuesday night.”

    : )

  41.  #41Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 10:29 am

    He called me to go to work out at lunch. I was icy and cold to him on the way down. He started talking about his weekend. Uhhh….ok, what about my weekend? How was MY weekend? He didnt say its good to see you – etc. Ugh. So I was cold. I didnt feel like being warm, that would have felt fake. So I was nice, but not overly warm. I got in to change and realized that I had left my workout pants at home, so I left the locker room. He was talking to a buddy so didnt stop me and ask me why I was leaving.

    But fate worked, and this really hot guy who works in a different office stopped me on the bottom floor and we talked for 45 minutes. I know he isnt interested in me but it was nice. It was a distraction.

    Anyway – ugh. I’m not feeling it for GS today. I feel abandoned and alone.

    You are right Mercedes – what do I have to lose? He is already so far away.

  42.  #42Andrea on July 1, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Also… guess what happened with another one of my CD’s.. ???

    He called me and asked me out for Sunday night. I had a rough first week at work and didn’t have any of my laundry done and also, no money to pay for the machines in my apartment building. I told him, “I’m sorry. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed because of my laundry situation and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, but I feel like a date tonight won’t work out.”

    He said, “I’ll come pick you up. I have tons of quarters. We can go to this Laundromat I know. Bring a deck of cards and I’ll teach you how to play poker. Then I will take you to Green Mill and we’ll have some dinner. Problem solved!”

    : ) Best Ever!!!! I got all my laundry done plus had a nice dinner date with an extremely awesome man. That was so cool.

  43.  #43Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:33 am

    April Rose – (((hugs)))

    p.s What’s this about spanking? Somebody needs to put down the 50 shades …now you’re going om the internet looking for Christian Grey.

  44.  #44seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I did it…………….. I love that shrubby tree bush thing. It is the only green out there. When they painted the building they didn’t cover it and it had a fine spray of paint on it’s leaves, so I, with the help of two neighbors cleaned it off.Each leaf was wiped clean. New green buds emerged to become leaves of more green lushness. I provide water and talk to it frequently, thanking it for being green right outside my door. I haven’t hugged it before and it felt…………….. like sharing, more than words……………. energy! It was a energy. Thank you Heart!

  45.  #45Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Elsie – *forehead slap*…ooomygorrsh….did u hug/kiss the tree yet?!

  46.  #46April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Hello Heart

    Yeah, it’s the attention I crave, and the wanting for him to care enough to give me what I need.
    It’s not a BDSM thing, although I initially wondered if it was. I don’t feel turned on by a man telling me what to do during sex.
    It’s more psychological than physical.
    I sure feel turned on when I’m with a quiet, gentle man who exerts confidence and authority. It makes me feel safe and protected.

    I won’t happily accept a spanking. And yet, I want to consent to it. i want to feel what that brings to the relationship. The women on the website describe the feeling as ‘connecting and very intimate’.

    That’s what it is for me – that kind of intimacy feels like a turn-on!

  47.  #47Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Thank you everyone for your insight. I’m sorry Heart if you feel exhausted by my situation. I would encourage you to just skip over my posts.

    This place has been a HUGE place of healing for me. And I’ve found that the little things are what cause the big things and so I do analyze a lot. Its the first time in my life I have ever done this, and I”m not going to stop. That is my boundary. 🙂 Its a great place for me to write my feelings out, and figure out what they are. And its a very safe place for me too – because even if people dont agree with me, they are helping me. 🙂

    I am going to have to figure out if I want to CD and if I do, then if I tell him. I think if I CD then I need to tell him from an integrity point of view.

    Dominique – I think it is not to hurt him at all, its just because i always want to be honest and have integrity.

    Seahorse – thank you for your reply. It encouaged me.

    April Rose – Thank you for giving me your story. I love that you were so honest and brave with it – all your comments on here have really helped me.

    I’m off to read the link that Mercedes posted. 🙂

  48.  #48Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Heart – no I havent hugged a tree yet. I will tonight ok? And I’ll write on the blog when I do. 🙂

  49.  #49April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Subtle signals from the man that show he is powerful withi the relationship….mmm….

    And that both he and I know that he has the power, and it is a turn-on for both of us.

    It’s taking vulnerability to deeper, more erotic levels, for me.

  50.  #50seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Indigo! I want to say thank you for your comment on the post I put up about a situation with my ex and Little Siren. Thank you! You had wrote it,” It sounds like this person is in a lot of pain”….. something to that affect.

    This had opened up a world of healing for myself. Empathy? I think so……….. I feel better empathizing with his pain……… I think thats it…………. Even though there was painful things said and done………. I forgive on a whole new level. No more fear of him, it was some deep work to get there and it happened. A new gentleness with myself and with thoughts surrounding the situation. Letting go and he called and it went really calm and he didn’t yell. I don’t feel the need to tell him anything about Little Siren not wanting to go over and just letting everything happen when it happens………………… One day at a time and be surprised. No control……….. I don’t know. I love not knowing. Only knowing me and loving all that is.

    Indigo, Thank you for your words and the peace I found with the opening. Love and hugs, Seahorse

  51.  #51Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:50 am

    April Rose – I WOULD happily accept a spanking…I kinda like being spanked….please don’t tell anyone that …it’s a secret

    Elsie – I wasn’t talking about your posts (I like reading whatyou have to say) – Just all the debate surrounding your posts….

  52.  #52Heart on July 1, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Seashore – yay!! <3 <3

  53.  #53Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Heart – Ok – thanks for clarifying. I like it when people debate things – it sort of makes me see that we all have different ways of using Rori’s tools.

    He just called me and of course asked me why I left. It was nice. Short. He didnt ask about my weekend. He didnt ask abut anything except what I was working on. So I briefly told him and then told him that I was working on the divorce and was nearly finished with everything.

    I was not leaning in at all. And so the conversation ended. Ugh. I’m SO HURT.

  54.  #54Wildgeranium on July 1, 2013 at 11:02 am

    I was getting too emotionally wrapped up in the “Elsie” situation…Just reading this morning and I realize that, Elsie: you are learning an incredible amount. Everything happens for a reason. Its the same thing we all go through, this is just your story. There is no right or wrong.

    This morning I am having a panic attack–not quite a full blown one–but more like an anxiety attack (and I haven’t had one for over a year). I meditated for 30 minutes and I was still feeling horrible. Then, when I arrived here and read the new blog post title, I (light bulb) realized what it was….anger! What a relief. Just sitting here realizing its anger and feeling that dissolve and not feeling panic-y and anxious.

    I feel so much better when there is nothing to resist.

    Thank you blog. Thank you sirens.

  55.  #55Wildgeranium on July 1, 2013 at 11:06 am

    #43 lol
    I’m reading the trilogy right now
    Perfect summer reading (I’m on stay-cation until mid-August)

  56.  #56MovingMagic on July 1, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Life is short. I want to live it filled to the brim. If I don’t feel full it’s up to me to change that. ~My thoughts for the day.

  57.  #57Indigo on July 1, 2013 at 11:27 am


    I feel really, really pleased. I feel glad it helped you to find an opening.

    It was something that jumped out at me when I read that post.

  58.  #58Indigo on July 1, 2013 at 11:49 am


    I feel very pleased that you have a date 🙂

    I really feel that this will start making you feel like the goddess you are.

    Maybe you could try what Andrea said to her date? I myself have tried this approach with guys and they have responded well to it.

  59.  #59Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Indigo: I just want to give you a great big hug! True, I do demand respect from men (and women for that matter) but I am also full of love and compassion…and I don’t believe there is such a thing as “too” full of love. 🙂 I have a man in my life who loves me and respects me. There’s no need to want to be like me or do what I do. The right man will love and respect you the way you are without needing you to change. I give advice and insight based on the way I am and my own experiences, not the way other people are. I suggest people take what resonates and toss the rest. Please don’t change. you are wonderful just the way you are.

    Seahorse: 🙂 I love yoga too! And I’m getting soooo into Kundalini yoga. It’s all about moving our energy up and untangling all that stuff that is twisted up and stuck in our lower chakras. It’s been quite the journey so far. I can’t wait til the studio opens and I can have a Kundalini teacher on site. Sooooo excited about that one!

    (((((Elsie))))) No matter what happens, everything is going to turn out wonderfully for you. This is a rough patch and it is so incredibly painful to be where you are. That will all change. You deserve the relationship of your dreams and I believe you will have it.

    Much Love,

  60.  #60Indigo on July 1, 2013 at 11:53 am


    I bought the most GORGEOUS Celtic jewellery today.

    It made me feel like when I buy myself underwear, but ten times better.

    I’ve no idea what awaits me when I get home. D said again tonight that he wants to talk when I get back. I kind of feel funny about how good something like that makes me feel. Like seriously, how easy am I??

    But at least I will have the most gorgeous jewellery. Jewellery I have dreamed about since I was a little girl.

  61.  #61Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    @Indigo – its not a date. Just to be clear. Its meeting an old friend who is a man for lunch. I dont think of it as a date. So…..I’m not sure, but there you go. 🙂 Its something. LOL.

    @Mercedes. SO PAINFUL. I am just looking over at him right now. I know he isnt working (I can tell) and so there he is. NO contact since last Friday. Brief phone call today about nothing. I think it hurts that I am so unimportant to him all of a sudden. That he can go without me. That he felt guilt instead of a desire to be with me. That he felt no need to contact me at all over the weekend.

    The real problem is now that I am supposed to have lunch with him and my daughter this week. She LOVES him (they have met many times because we work near each other) and have gone to lunch before. She is SOOOO looking forward to it.

    I dont know – part of me doesnt want to do that lunch, but she has been promised. I have to ask him if Wed. or Friday works better with his schedule because both days are fine with me.

    Its just weird. I dont know if I should od that or not, but my daughter just adores him and wants to even bake him cookies as a surprise. She has been talking about it for 2 weeks.

    She does NOT kno that there is anything besides a friendship there to clarify.

  62.  #62Indigo on July 1, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Ah Mercedes!

    Thank you 🙂 I know that’s how you are. I feel so much admiration for you, even whilst knowing myself to be different.

    I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a yearning to be able to command that kind of respect with men. I am a manager and have no problem with commanding respect at work.

    I want to stay myself. And it feels frustrating at times, because I truly am a dreamer, and staying cool and savvy just feels totally out of reach for me most of the time.

    Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. You rock!

  63.  #63April Rose on July 1, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    “One of the reasons being taken in hand can be so exciting is, paradoxically, that in eroticising control, it creates real desire and real consent. It turns what could be off-putting, unpleasant control into erotic indulgence, pleasurable attention, positive engagement.”

  64.  #64Heart on July 1, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Wow….I sank into myself while revisting events from my past that made me feel angry and I found that underneath the anger I felt powerless…
    Also I felt distrustful of myself…
    wow…it’s amazing the things we discover within ourselves…

  65.  #65Heart on July 1, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Indigo – omg just today I was thinking the same thing while looking at a gorgeous decoration I bought. Looking at it made me feel soooo happy & like a gypsy or princess or something…and then I thought about how easy it was to make myself feel excited and happy.

  66.  #66Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Elsie: I think your daughter will be okay if lunch plans are canceled. She should be able to understand that sometimes plans fall through. And maybe they won’t fall through. He knows about the lunch, right? He knows your daughter is looking forward to it, right? He knows what to do. Why do you have to ask him what day is good for him? Why not let him ask you? Why not let him lead this? If he isn’t going to, at least you will know that he will flake out on your daughter without even telling her. That in itself should say a lot. I don’t think I’d approach him about it at all. I think, if it were me, I would prepare my daughter that he might not be able to make it but that no matter what, the two of you will have a special lunch. I’m guessing you will be a lot more hurt than she will be. Kids tend to understand that grownup plans don’t always work out. If you give her a special lunch, I’m guessing she’ll be just fine. And if he DOES lean forward and row this one, she’ll be even happier (and so will you) knowing that it almost didn’t happen and yet it still did.

    Much Love,

  67.  #67Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Indigo: Thank you! 🙂 Those are really great words to hear…made me smile. Yes…we are all so different…yet all so alike…we are all women. Which is an amazing thing in itself.

    Much Love,

  68.  #68Heart on July 1, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    I felt powerless because I couldn’t control the outcome and I felt distrustful because I saw “controlling the outcome” as a form of self-protection…I felt uncertain of my ability to protect myself from pain.

  69.  #69MovingMagic on July 1, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    I just read “Zen and the art of Happiness”, by Chris Prentiss. It was a short, easy read that really focused on happiness as a choice, circumstances being for our greater good, & the relationship we have with our environment. I feel light & free. It rang true for me.

  70.  #70Dominique on July 1, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Elsie – 27 was not the important post, 30 was. This is where it ALL is for you.

    I feel fascinated and concerned that every time I being something like this up, it’s not acknowledged.


  71.  #71Millie on July 1, 2013 at 12:53 pm


    SO excited you have a lunch date!!! YAY!!!!! As Mercedes said ENJOY every minute of it!!!!! I hope this experience brings you happiness and makes you feel full as you deserve to feel!!

    As far as telling GS- NO. Why? Not only did he give you permission to date other men, which to me says he wants the pressure to please you off him, but he said not to tell him. The best thing you can do is listen to him and take your wonderful energy elsewhere. He will notice your energy shift. Words are not necessary.

  72.  #72Millie on July 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Additionally, telling GS brings the focus back to him and that is not what you want.

  73.  #73Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    @Mercedes. I may wait and see what happens after my lunch with my college crush guy tomorrow. 🙂

    Also…..I just got a text from college crush guy (Ok, I’m going to call him CollegeCD) right now. It made me TOTALLY smile. Just the fact that some guy out there who is totally hot is thinking of me in the afternoon and where to go for lunch. He offered up three places. What do I say? This part is new for me. LOL. I feel wonderful that I have attention from him, but a little guilty too. I know I shouldnt but I do.

    @Dominique – Yes, I read 30. You really, really, really need to fill up your life with all kinds of anything but him. Yes, I do. I dont know what I love to do. There are things I wanted to do when I was younger, they are not logistically possible now (think surfing in the midwest, not possible….LOL.)

    I am trying to think of things to do. I dont know how to refocus on me.

    I am afraid that even with Circular Dating I would just still be lost and focus on all these guys and not me.

    You are right. My focus is in the wrong place. I agree

  74.  #74Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    @ Millie – Ok I understand that. But at the same time, I did say I wasnt going to date other people, and its sort of an integrity thing for me.

    Of course, I’m off the hook with this one, because TECHNICALLY its not a date. Its just an old college friend of mine meeting up for lunch after 20 years.

    Now, if he asks me out again…..then I think I cant get around it – its a date.

    Now in all fairness, he wasnt attracted to me apparently in college, so he might not be now either. So thats why I say it isnt a date. 🙂

    So just clarifying here. 🙂 LOL

    I’m REALLY trying hard here Mercedes – Please give me some extra credit for going on a lunch thing/date so soon. Do I get extra credit please Mercedes and Dominique? !:)

  75.  #75Millie on July 1, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    I’m so happy to see you back, I feel like I haven’t read one of your posts in awhile-maybe I missed it?
    Your laundry date sounds fun! I love the spontaneity and practicality of it and of course how it was centered on you! I also love how you took a step forward and told your other date that you weren’t looking for a friendship. I’m glad he responded well! I actually have an opposite situation, where a man is asking me out on a date, but I don’t feel interested. I feel like enjoying him as a dance partner, but not as a suitor. He called yesterday and I’ve been thinking of a good script to say when I call him back. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I do enjoy dancing with him.
    Any suggestions?

  76.  #76Millie on July 1, 2013 at 1:06 pm


    Oh! I see…..so you told him you weren’t going to date other people….

    Then yes, that would be dishonest not to tell him. Maybe say you reconsidered what he said about not being exclusive and you think for now it’s a good idea.

  77.  #77Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    @ Millie – Ok good, I’m glad you sort of agree. I think that tomorrow is not really a date – its just catching up. This guy may see this totally as platonic, so I dont think I need to say anything. However, if he wants to go out again, then I think I need to say something. Just for my own integrity.

  78.  #78seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    ELSIE!!!!! I am SO HUGELY excited for you!!!!!!!!

    I feel such understanding. Sweet Elsie! You are doing it and doing it perfectly Elsie’s Way!!!!!!!!!! ROCK STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big hugs sweet siren!!!

  79.  #79Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Oh seahorse, you have way too much enthusiasm for this! LOL. Its just a lunch get together, and I still feel so conflicted about it. But it does nice to have some attention, etc.

    And I’m super fussy about him not texting me over the weekend, espeically after he knows that is what I really would have needed. And the fact that he has been so distant today.

    its like Mercedes said – how can I push him away? He is already so far….. I still feel very rejected and abandoned.

    But CollegeCD (it feels VERY WEIRD to write another name with CD after it for the record) just texted me again, he picked an awesome restaurant and said 11:30. 🙂 So here we go…..

  80.  #80Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Ok maybe I’m a little excited. I may go buy a new shirt to wear with my black short twirly flirty skirt. 🙂 And maybe some new makeup. It may not be a date, but at least I can look nice.

  81.  #81Heart on July 1, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Elsie -isn’t it amazing how the additional of one attractive nice guy can totally change everything …

  82.  #82Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    Well, yes, and no. I’m still very torn and feel very conflicted and guilty even though its just lunch. I just dont WANT to be doing this. I just want to be with GS and have it be like it was before. So…..yes, and no.

    LOL. Im a mess.

  83.  #83seahorse on July 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    ELSIE!!! You are so in the soup!!!!! FEeling all of it!!!! Conflicted fussy and whatever else…………. AND you feel excited! A ray of sunshine!! New shirt new make up!!!! Go Sweet Elsie!!!

    And remember the tools!! Stay present and listen to him, but most importantly feel your soup whilst out at lunch. Stay out of his head and FEEL!!!

    Holy Cow! I am so happy for your steps into you! You ROCK!

  84.  #84Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Elsie: You get all kinds of credit for this in my eyes. 🙂 Now lose the guilt and have a great time!

    Much Love,

  85.  #85Dominique on July 1, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Elsie – 74 – First of all I think you’re awesome. You’ve been taking in so much new stuff, working so hard to rewire old connections in your brain, trying new ways, growing and blossoming in all kinds of wonderful.

    I say brava to you and YAY!!!

    For me in your situation, I’m not so much concerned with what you do or don’t do with this man or whether you date other men or not. I want you to date the world. I want you to cultivate and bring all your deep down sensuality and love out there in the world for all to feel.

    And you do this by going inside.

    It doesn’t have to be any big thing you might want to immerse yourself in. It could be simply taking the time, even 1/2 hour a day or most days to luxuriate in a bubble bath or hot shower. And pleasure yourself in this time whether you masturbate or not. Notice and FEEL ALL sensations, the water as it runs over your skin, the feel of your washcloth or loofah, the soap. Notice if it tickles or turns you on. Run your hands over your body slowly and attention. How does it feel to give to yourself in this way? How does it feel to receive in this way? You get to do both.

    Lay back and meditate if you want, or close your eyes and imagine the water cleansing your heart and soul, as it cleanses your body.

    Notice the feel of the towel, as it dries, the feel and smells of your creams and lotions, as you apply. Do the same as you dress.

    Do all of this with attention. FEEL with ALL senses.

    This is just one wonderful way to take care of you, so beautiful. It can feel amazing too.


  86.  #86Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Ok. Ouch. Really. Ouch.

    He just left without even saying good bye. So…no text all weekend. One phone call to ask to work out. One 4 minute phone call (literally 4:10) to find out why I left and what I was working on.

    A total of less than 8 minutes since Friday.

    72 hours has gone by since we connected on Friday.

    And I have gotten 8 minutes out of his life.


    Let me just not feel this pain anymore. Ouch.

  87.  #87Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Sorry guys. I know you want me to be all happy and excited, but in this very moment I am crying at my desk. How can I go from being so excited about a lunch date to being devastated the next?

    I’m SO upset and hurt and frustrated and ANGRY and I feel completely UNHEARD. I spent 4 hours of my life telling him what I needed. He said ok. And what? Nothing.


  88.  #88Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    @Seahorse – the soup is right. I’m totally in the soup.

    @Mercedes – I’m glad I’m getting extra credit because right now I feel like I’m failing.

    @Dominique – I know, its just hard because in the end, I dont feel like that is the same as having someone next to me that loves me. I really crave that more than anything. Sigh.

  89.  #89Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Elsie: Failing what?

    GS is seems to be failing in my eyes. Not you. You’re fine…just focus on YOU. He’s got some pull back issues right now and I think you should let him. I think we he talked to you about putting everything on “pause”, he meant it. I think he has paused. 🙁 If he’s going to push play again, I would love to see him come back to a fully fulfilled Elsie with a wonderful life full of bucket list items being checked off one after another…

    You’re doing great Elsie…you’re not failing anything. GS seems to be taking a break though and I would encourage you to allow that to happen…without waiting around for him to tell you what he outcome is.

    Much Love,

  90.  #90Elsie on July 1, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    @Mercedes – Well, ok, but he said he wasnt pushing pause. I thought that we decided not to push pause after our talk on Friday. Thats what makes it hard. If he had said to me on Friday, NO, IM PUSHING PAUSE, I would have said, ok, go then.

    I was cold to him today. Icy, even. Pleasant, but not enthusastically warm to hear his voice. He isnt stupid. He knows its because he hasnt called over the weekend. I cant just be warm and open with someone who is not caring about what I need, I’m sorry.

    What if I never get to be with him again? What if he never says he loves me again? What if I never get to be with him again? Ugh.

    I’m off to go buy makeup and a new shirt, but I’m not happy about it.

    How can you buy new makeup when you have yours streaming down your face with tears? Ugh.

  91.  #91Sara on July 1, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I am Feeling really really Crummy today!!!!!! :((((
    I can’t seem to make a decent paycheck in months; my bills are piling up and the ONLY think that I have heard from my man in 2 weeks is ” I miss your teeth”

    RRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I am trying to be a Siren and a Goddess but all I want to do is call him…..

    I haven’t called him in 2 weeks…. HE IS SUPPOSE TO TURN AROUND AND COME PICK ME UP OFF THE FLOOR.
    So frustrating!!!!!

    🙂 just had to get it out thanks xoxoxo

  92.  #92prplpsn28 on July 1, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    From previous thread

    Thanks Dominique 🙂

    Elsie – I can TOTALLY relate to where you are coming from and what you are feeling. I agree with what others have said in that you have done nothing wrong. Don’t beat yourself up. And I think it’s great that you have a lunch date. Enjoy it!

  93.  #93Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    @ Elsie so happy you have a date…. 🙂


    I love that saying! I do it every day…

    the part I’m struggling with is doing that and staying with Rori’s tools b/c when I take life by the handle and live it to the fullest… I think it comes off as masculine or being in control… when really I’m just doing what makes me happy, with or without him…

    not sure how to live it to the fullest and still not come off as controlling… like the opera for my 50 th birthday…. I saw an opera I wanted to see badly… he wanted to go to one I didn’t want to see, when I said can I make a suggestion, and then told him about the italian one…he said he couldn’t … I went …. and it wasn’t to be in control, it was, it was my 50th birthday, and I wanted to see this opera…

    but his face fell when I told him I was going… but then he later said, I’m happy for you… ( this was months ago)…

    So, I’m just not clear on how to live my life to the fullest and it being up to me… and not come off as boyish or controlling…

    Love the Quote Thanks!!!


  94.  #94Sassy on July 1, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Elsie and all sirens….

    This site was mentioned before, but I believe it may be useful to most of us. I know I read it over and over…

    http://www.markettorrent.com/community view topic
    100 principles of attraction

  95.  #95Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Elsie: I didn’t feel happy when I first started cding at all. I faked it and I made it.

    I know GS said he wasn’t pushing pause. But his actions say that’s exactly what he’s done. This is on him, not you. He is choosing to do/not do this.

    Personally, I think you need to separate these two things.

    1. You are having lunch with an old friend you haven’t seen in a very, very long time.

    2. GS is being very, very laid back right now.

    They aren’t the same thing and do not relate to each other at all. Being upset with how GS is treating you right now has no bearing on whether or not you can enjoy lunch with a friend.

    Enjoy catching up and remembering old times. Avoid talking about GS. If he asks questions, answer in short sentences and change the subject. This will give you a much, much better chance of actually enjoying the fact that you get to see an old friend again.

    Your focus will come back to GS later. For the duration of the lunch, I highly recommend you listen intently and encourage your friend to tell you all about his life since you last saw him. Listen with curiosity and enjoy his story. Get to know him again. I’m not talking about romance here…I’m talking about learning to focus on someone other than GS…if even for an hour or so. 🙂

    Much Love,

  96.  #96Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Lisa: “I went …. and it wasn’t to be in control, it was, it was my 50th birthday, and I wanted to see this opera…”

    That sounds sooooo much like me. 🙂 From my experience, it’s all good. His face fell a little but he’ll pick it up. And…also from my experience….he’ll start to join you more often on this journey of your life.

    J used to tell me he couldn’t do things either. I would go without him. He would get kind of jealous or mopey or something like that. He didn’t like it, that’s for sure. But…because he doesn’t like feeling that way, he doesn’t turn me down anymore either. And I don’t turn him down either. It’ll come…you’ll start to do more and more of the stuff the two of you like and there will be less and less face falling when one takes control of her life and the other watches it happen.

    Much Love,

  97.  #97Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    ((((Sara)))) I’m sorry you are hurting. 🙁

    Much Love,

  98.  #98CurvySiren10 on July 1, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Elsie, I just wanted to say that from my interpretation of your 4 hour conversation on Friday, the ONLY thing he agreed to doing was being a work buddy for you. I may be wrong, but I thought he wasn’t willing to agree to anything outside of work…which would explain no texts over the weekend. It doesn’t explain virtually ignoring you at work though. I am sorry but I think he sending a message that no, your needs are not important to him right now at all. He’s told you what he’s willing to do (not much) and you still opted not to “pause” things. I think at this point it’s a matter of getting very clear with yourself on whether or not that feels good or right to you.

    Oh, and for the record- I, too know how hard CD-ing can be when your heart’s not in it, but I agree that at least giving it a shot can lead to possible surprises and mostly, a focus off of this source of misery – at least for a while. “Fake it ’til you make it” indeed.

  99.  #99Mercedes on July 1, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    CS10: “mostly, a focus off of this source of misery” – Yup…that’s what it did for me. And I did make one really good friend from it. Someone I still care about in my heart and will always wish the best for. Someone I will never, ever regret getting to know.

    Much Love,

  100.  #100ann on July 1, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Hi. My name is Ann. I am new. I was reading some of problems that they are going through.I have with my boyfriend for 6 years. When i met him i was afraid to be in a relationship i had not been in one for year, but i seem to let him in little by little. He was a very nice man in the beginning, i enjoy his company and being with him. As the years went all of sudden he started being verbally abusive with me and calling me names and of course we would fight. He would always want me to buy him things. in the beginning it didn’t bother me, but all through the relationship i was paying all the time.I always felt that he didn’t care or love me.Every time that we would fight i would tell him that i don’t anything to do with him. M y problem was that i kept going back . knowing that the way he treated me. It came to point that i started doing things around his mother’s house like cleaning , cooking. see i was to nice. I felt that i was took advantage. Right now it is not going to good we were not speaking for a while then we started to. but i see that he is not attracted to me like he use to be. we always did things together but now we don’t. He always called me and i would call him and he would return the call. Now he does not return the call and he never calls me he always wants me to call him. I feel that there’s another women. or he no longer wants to be with me. Right now i am struggling with my feeling about him. I don’t like when he verbally calls me names. I just need your advice. i have made bad choices in my life.

  101.  #101Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 5:03 pm


    Oh that is so good to know! So it isn’t boyish… or being in control of the relationship.. good to know… yep that’s me… I don’t wait on a man to fill my life… I get up every day and do that myself… life is short…

    but one question…

    I always tell him yes, oops… maybe I’m too available for him and that is why…???


  102.  #102Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Lol … I feel confused and amused … I made an online dating post and I did request that the man have endowment. And … some of these men are sending me pictures of their cock in the first email. Now I used to have a “rule” that I would not respond to an email with such a photo. And … I’m wondering if that makes any sense at all … after all, it would feel so much better to have sex with a man who has endowment, and they are trying to give me what I want. So … 😉

    I like this post from Rori. I spent the weekend with my little girl who has a hard core trigger around abrupt disconnections, and felt my way through a lot of intense emotions, and I am feeling good today and calm and ready for a new way …

  103.  #103Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    @beloved love your poetry….
    I too have felt that forgiveness is the cash..


    I’m trying to get caught up on the posts… might have missed something… what is “being taken in hand”?


  104.  #104Mcat on July 1, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Hi I am new. I’ve been listening to Rori’s programs for the last month and I believe they have been a great help.
    Almost 3 years into a relationship with a man recently divorced (as am I). Fought like heck to not make it the rebound relationship and fell hard. Total infatuation on my part. Not as much on his part. But I feel he cares for me and loves me deeply. Sex is amazing. Things culminated in the last few days with these exchange of text messages:

    Me: You’ve just told me that you aren’t very excited to be with me. If I accept your statement (which I must) and continue to see you exclusively, (coming over to your place, making you dinner, getting all pseudo-domestic) it will make me look and feel pathetic! It’s almost comical.

    Thank you for offering me your keys. It really is sweet of you. And thank you for being honest about your feelings.
    I’m going to date other people. I will still date you. I will leave the door open to you. But until I get the relationship I want (a man who is very excited to be with me, who adores me to the moon and back) I can’t commit myself exclusively to one person. I do not feel comfortable sleeping with more than one person at a time so I will have sexual exclusivity with you. But I will no longer be turning down coffee dates/dinner dates with other men. Take all the time you need. I love you.

    That’s not what I said. I said I have not felt excited since my 1st high school gf. That is much different. It has nothing to do with you. Jeez. I have walls up and they are even tougher since the separation. you’d like me to be as “excited” as you are about the relationship. I haven’t felt “excited” since hs. I love you in my own way and its fully just not “excited”. You have the capacity to have excited love. Maybe I can relearn it with you. But right now and for most of my life I have not had that excitement It is almost a little Aspbergers. I’m happy. And I feel happiness with you. So there.

    Any thoughts ladies?

  105.  #105Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    I feel pleasantly surprised how attractive some of these guys are …

  106.  #106Rori Raye on July 1, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    MCat – First, Welcome – and you ROCK!!! I LOVE the way you write, the way you say things…SO cool! If you were my client, and knowing so little about the dynamic, I’d have you do this: Get him over to YOUR house as much as you can by inviting him. Take his key. Make him space in your house as best you can – where he can feel left alone, not-invaded, and encourage him to hang out there (like playing house). I’d just not talk about the exclusivity thing again unless HE brings it up – and just go ahead and Circular Date without fanfare. After 3 years – he’s now feeling the pinch to make it official, or move in, etc. Make it easy for him to just move in while you keep this wonderful lightness you’ve expressed here in your comment. Love, Rori

  107.  #107Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    I like MCat’s post too. Sounds like you can spice it up, MCat, by circular dating 🙂

    I feel surprisingly non-judgmental of these guys emailing me. I’m actually finding them adorable, even the one giving me specific measurements of his cock. It’s kinda … adorable 🙂

  108.  #108Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 7:10 pm


    LOL! I’ve heard from women that men do send those photos… I can imagine it would be different… and yet the anxiety would be off from the start knowing… 🙂


  109.  #109Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    Yea Lisa exactly! In some ways, it feels great cuz now I can just focus on whether the rest of him feels good to me without feeling tense about it and holding back from liking him 🙂

  110.  #110Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 7:32 pm


    YAY! I know that anxiety all too well!! and I was so fortunate that ” M ” is endowed… cuz it isn’t fun getting attached and then having to deal with it not being big enough… uggg!

    Have fun!


  111.  #111Millie on July 1, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    Anyone have a good script for telling a guy you’re not interested in dating him, but you’d like to just meet up and dance together? (swing dance)

    I feel tired and low right now, this man called and I’m not feeling up to calling him back yet….

  112.  #112Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    Yea … it didn’t used to matter to me and that’s because I didn’t have enough experience to understand the difference in my feeling. Now that I do understand, it’s a “must have.”

    So this one guy would not stop talking about his measurements and asking me what I thought of his measurements, and I noticed feeling absolutely DRAINED in my body. So I said, “I’m feeling tired of talking about this. I would not even get there with a guy unless we have a lot else to talk about – what else are you passionate about?” Phew … I hope he has something to talk about other than his cock.

  113.  #113Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    I don’t have a script from the tools…

    what I used when online dating is …

    “I’m very happy to get to know you and meet for a drink. I’m up for friendship and dancing partner, if that works for you, I’d love to meet you”. then I’d say : Wed night works for me..

    I used this when they contacted me a few times and ask to meet me…. it worked well I had most of them meet me even though I said for friendship…


  114.  #114Millie on July 1, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    Thanks, that sounds good.

  115.  #115Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 7:50 pm


    Yes, that is the delima… once the size is brought in, then the bigger discernment comes in…

    Like you don’t want it to be about sex, at the same time.. the size matters..

    and yes it is draining… I’ve shut men down b/c they got disrespectful with me… ( not even mentioning size) b/c they can tell when they see me ( even though I don’t dress sensual early on) that I’m a sensual woman… I’ve heard it for years.. I can be dress badly and not even nice.. and they notice..

    So, as a sensual woman you have to have stronger boundaries, and be on top of it, when they start talking about it… and re-direct to see if they can take a hint and allow more of their non-sexual personality to surface…

    I’ve gotten very savvy at in a warm way cutting it down and weeding them out….. I’m sapiosexual anyways… so if they don’t have brains too.. I’m gone…LOL!

    good luck with it…


  116.  #116Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Oooh, I like this. Another guy writes:

    “You have a great body. And definitely don’t look your age 🙂

    “Up for getting together for drinks tomorrow night?”

    Oh yes this feels good 🙂

  117.  #117Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 7:55 pm


    Yea, that’s the inner conflict I was feeling … yet as I get more and more open about asking for what I want up front, these things seem to get resolved.

    Good that M has it taken care of in that department.

    I am finding that I get more and more fearless about putting everything on the table up front. And it just seems to draw them in more … too much so with the last guy, he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer!

  118.  #118Lisa on July 1, 2013 at 8:04 pm


    Yes, I’m that way too.. I’m upfront and honest.. my profile was that way too… and I had lots of raves about it… Men really liked blunt upfront honesty… with the feminine tone..

    Even with “M” on our first date when he said I was worried you were a Jock and not feminine… he said “you are very feminine” I said thanks! and Yes, I’m a jock too.. I was just upfront from the get go…

    Good luck and have fun!

  119.  #119Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Haha, I forgot how fun this is … practicing with setting boundaries … he wanted to meet at 9ish. so I said:

    “Mmm … I don’t like to make hazy plans … I feel relaxed about a lot of things and when it comes to meeting up with people, I am definitely an ‘appointment girl’ lol. I’m not even sure where [neighborhood] is … “

  120.  #120Erika Awakening on July 1, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Lisa, yea, the more upfront I get, the better it gets. In all areas of my life. Same thing that happened in my business. Someone talked me into having a “refund policy” early in the biz – huge mistake – things have run so much more smoothly since I said “nope, doesn’t work for me at all. no refunds, period.”

  121.  #121Andrea on July 1, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Hooray!! I’m feeling so good. And thank you Millie! : ) It feels good that I was missed. hehehee

    I am having such a positive time with Circular Dating. I have a date on Tuesday and now I just got off the phone with the man I had a date with last Wednesday and he wants to take me out on Friday night.

    This is really helping me so much to sort out my feelings and emotions surrounding the man that I had been in a relationship with.

    The fear and angst that I had surrounding him and his behaviours and his business have all but left me. I feel confident and what has happened is that these different men are so kind to me, so gentle and nice and respectful. It feels so different and so enlightening to be treated with care and adoration.

    I am starting to learn how to FEEL really good in this role. And because of that I’m just naturally less interested in being treated the way my old boyfriend treated me and continues to try and treat me.

    This just feels so nice….

  122.  #122Femininewoman on July 1, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Andrea – Oh Yeah!! 🙂

  123.  #123Heart on July 1, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    #110 – Millie – It would feel good to see you not trying to control the situation in anywhere. I’m starting to believe that wanting to define and explain any kind of initial interactio with a man is coming from fear….or trying to take care of his feelings….Are you feeling guilty about leading him on?

    Relax & enjoy….leave the scripts for when you really need it.

  124.  #124Heart on July 1, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    I bought a yoga mat…I feel happy about that…:)

  125.  #125Heart on July 2, 2013 at 12:19 am

    It’s a blue yoga mat – like the sky

  126.  #126Zia on July 2, 2013 at 2:23 am

    I’ve started self-hypnosis to try and work through letting go of my ex, and I am already starting to feel it subtly working. It’s not like an “omg i’m free!” feeling.. but I think about him less and don’t obsess/stress about him as much. Feeling much more relaxed, and able to lean back and carry on with my life which is what I’ve wanted since I first started with Rori’s programs!

  127.  #127Heart on July 2, 2013 at 2:47 am

    Wow Zia …what self-hynosis is it?

  128.  #128Zia on July 2, 2013 at 3:12 am

    Elise – I am not yet sure if you told him about CDing or not yet, but, if you said first you weren’t going to, but then if he specifically said AFTER that “if you do, please don’t tell him”, then I’d say don’t tell him.

    I had something in a previous relationship where he and I sort of agreed it would be ok to see other people, and he said he wouldn’t, and I said “ok but if you do, I don’t want to know about it”. And I meant it. I would not have liked it if he had told me.

  129.  #129Zia on July 2, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Heart – I’m using the secret of deliberate creation by dr robert anthony. It fits in well with a lot of the other work I’ve been doing with myself and is a good way to start out 🙂

  130.  #130Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 4:46 am


    that’s awesome!


  131.  #131Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 5:02 am

    I woke up this morning feeling rested more.. and feeling weird that “M” is just acting so weird about spending weekend together…feeling weird that the red flags are there…not knowing what to do with the red flags… Reading Rori’s post about not judging… and not knowing what to do with all that… though it wasn’t a stressful weird… it was calm and contemplative… wanting to cuddle back up and sleep… it’s rainy again…

    I can’t seem to shake this feeling of wanting to C’date for real… and see how I feel about things… see how he reacts…to his sudden plateau of our relationship…

    I don’t know how to do it… but feeling that the red flags need to disappear for me… to feel good about the relationship…

    Next weekend will be 6mos… strange I never thought I’d be sad about it… not sleeping over with him hardly at all…. he talks about the future but doesn’t plan for it… I’m tired of it…tired of the drama created….. tired of him thinking that leading is doing it his way… not asking me or taking my feelings into consideration…

    I love him, but I’m tired of the complications he brings into “Us” when it is so unnecessary… and it makes me feel “I’m making a mistake” by being with someone that creates drama around meditation, sleeping over night, and traveling for a weekend… it brings back memories of how I overlooked this kind of drama creation with my ex and how if I had not of overlooked it, and thought love would prevail, I wouldn’t have been in such a toxic passive/aggressive relationship…

    I feel I need to feel better about this relationship… and I do love him… but I also know love isn’t enough….

    I think I’ll do the work on “I can’t let go of “M”… see if that brings me to a more “no expectations” place.


  132.  #132BeLoved on July 2, 2013 at 5:22 am

    FeminineWoman –
    It felt really good to read what you have to say about me, thank you~! I feel the same way, you have a particular clarity in reading certain situations that I feel so much appreciation for.

    I’m feeling raw and sensitive…I went home with a migraine and vomiting yesterday which I felt appreciation for – it felt related to being triggered on Sunday and I became aware of the poison in my mind/body. I cried and realized I wanted to forgive myself for all of the mess with C last year, for hurting myself so much with him..
    which reminds me,

    Dominique – THANK you for your compassionate reflections on Elsie’s relationship, I saw through my response to hers how I was seeing myself, and seeing it through YOUR eyes felt so much softer and helped me be a lot easier on myself (hope you can follow all that).

    Lisa – the poem about Forgiveness is by Hafiz – I meant to attribute it but maybe I didn’t.

    I feel more and more at ease at work – it feels so amazing. Things are happening just like the Queen’s Code – men are volunteering to do things for me that I don’t even ask. Going out of their way – to a completely different section of the refinery, 15 minute drive – to check on things I need help with. Offering…being extra gentle.

    It feels like being caressed, they speak to me with so much kindness and respect.
    Feels so good.
    thank you thank you yes yes yum yum yes yes 🙂

  133.  #133Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 5:25 am

    I’m crying now…. I read a newsletter…. about being picky…

    I think I’m being realistic… and maybe I am… I’m also trying to control the outcome and protect myself from another toxic, painful relationship…

    I read that being picky might mean looking at the wrong issues.. and am I looking at: KINDNESS, ACCEPTANCE, and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

    I’m crying b/c “M” does all of these things… as far as I know…

    and maybe he is just wanting me to do the same…

    I’m so confused… tears coming… my heart is opening… loving…

    I’m ok..and I trust that I’ll be ok…


  134.  #134Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 5:27 am

    @ Beloved yes! Yummy.. that does feel good…

    I haven’t read too much on the Q’s code yet…


  135.  #135Zia on July 2, 2013 at 5:29 am

    Lisa – is that Evan Marc Katz’s newsletter from today? Because I just read it too. Do you feel safe, heard and understood by him? I vaguely remember details of those rules around his meditation…. unless i’m getting confused with someone else.

  136.  #136Zia on July 2, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Lisa – and you will be ok 🙂

  137.  #137Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 5:36 am


    Yes, it is Evan Marc’s newsletter..

    I do feel safe, heard ( except when he hasn’t heard me) and not sure about understood… he tries to understand me.. and does on a lot of things…..

    rules around his meditation…he needs 2-4 hrs a day…. but he seems to have to have it at his house and has to be later in the evening for his second one…

    I don’t know why on some days he can’t just meditate before our date…???

    Personally, and he has eluded to the fact, I think all this drama is to stall the relationship b/c he has this idea he needs to take things very very slow b /c he was so traumatized by his last 2 relationships… and he is stalling the weekend trip b/c of that same trauma… but in the very beginning he was moving way fast and was so certain, I was it…and was ready to go off on a weekend on the 4th date…??

    I’m confused… really confused…


  138.  #138Zia on July 2, 2013 at 5:39 am

    Lisa – if you’re in the forum look me up, I have the same name as here 🙂

    I am sure you’ll work it out, and I bet the sirens here would have some great advice for you. In the end, it’s about working out how you feel. And if you’re not sure, maybe just sitting with your feelings and following them to see where they lead. Taking the focus off him and what he does or doesn’t do.

  139.  #139Dominique on July 2, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Beloved – 131 – 🙂

    I feel so appreciative of your lovely and colorful voice here.


  140.  #140Vi on July 2, 2013 at 5:47 am

    I feel good and I love me 🙂

  141.  #141KK16 on July 2, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Hi Everyone
    I’m new here but a friend turned me onto Rori’s videos and blog and I’m feeling desperate.

    Here’s my situation:

    I’ve been seeing someone that I’ve known as a casual friend for years. We’re just over 2 months in and he recently told me he wasn’t feeling the way he wanted to in this relationship (excited). At first I was really hurt. Then I started to go back and dissect what happened and when I started feeling him pull away.
    I feel like it started with me a couple of weeks ago.

    I was confused by the fact that he never stayed at my place and started to attribute reasons to it beyond his explanation that during the week because of work, he can’t. I stay at his place and on weekends he goes to his country house (sometimes with me).

    Because of the demons in my head, telling me all kinds of reasons for this, I started to feel unhappy and instead of telling him, it came out in other ways (not spending the night with him after we had dinner together at his place, being a bit critical, not feeling happy….). He’s a sensitive guy and I’m guessing he picked up on all of these non-verbal clues. That’s about the time he started to shut down.

    He brought all of this up and we had a very calm conversation about it. He doesn’t seem to know where it came from and I hadn’t had time to figure it out when we last saw each other. Part of me also feels like we fell into the boyfriend/girlfriend roles too quickly and too easily so part of his excitement was stunted.

    We’re meeting tonight to talk some more and I’m so anxious. I feel like he doesn’t know how much I care for him (he asked me recently if I enjoyed spending time with him!) and while I want to be strong and let him know that he needs to pursue me rather than it being so easy but, I also want to let him know that I care and really like him. I think I’ve made him feel that I don’t.

    How do I do both at the same time? HELP!!!!!! And, thank you ahead of time.

  142.  #142Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Lisa: “I always tell him yes, oops… maybe I’m too available for him and that is why…???

    I always tell J yes too (if I can) and it works for us. He’s my best friend and I absolutely LOVE spending time with him so I don’t turn him down. Keep in mind though that we live together and see each other every day with the exception of when we are traveling for work. He also always says yes to me when he can.

    I know when I was cding I turned him down a lot at first and then he started making dates way in advance and filling up my free time.

    I guess I’m just honest. If I am able to spend time with him, I do.

    In your situation maybe it is too much?? I don’t really know. Do you have other activities filling up your life? If you do, then take care of whatever plans come first. He’ll begin to ask in advance for the times HE’S free so he can better his chances of you saying yes (in my experience).

    I do understand why he wants to meditate at night. I do the same thing. I don’t really know why but it is the feeling i guess. That feeling of taking care of yourself right before you go to sleep. It relaxes me and I feel soooo at peace just before bed. It just feels like you’ve opened your heart for whatever the universe or G0d or who/whatever wants to deliver while you sleep.

    I don’t know that I would choose meditation over seeing J but…I think I can understand why someone would find it really, really hard to give up the evening meditation.

    Heart: Enjoy your yoga mat!! 🙂 I love mine! I actually have two but…I bought a sheepskin one for Kundalini yoga and I LOVE it. The problem is…my dog loves it too (as in wants to tear it to pieces in my meditation room). So…I can’t use that one at home. It’s in the closet waiting for the studio to open. I’ll keep it there and just use it when I practice with a teacher…away from the gorgeous, feisty canine I live with. 🙂

    Much Love,

  143.  #143Heart on July 2, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Zia – You introduce me to the best stuff! Which product did you buy? I’m thinking of getting one…I liked his free stuff.

  144.  #144Heart on July 2, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Mercerdes – I knew you were a dog person!

  145.  #145Sara on July 2, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Good morning Sirens!!!
    I could use some support.
    In the past 4 weeks I have had little communication with my man. We have text a little here and there but not much… I have stopped calling or texting him as Rori has said.

    So Here it is….
    Saturday he text me that he misses my teeth…. (lol )
    What the flip
    I answered as suggested here which I love the suggestion Elsi
    AWW that so sweet you almost gave me a cavity. I miss you too…
    I didn’t hear anything until last nigh at 11;30
    man text: why would you send that now
    ME: I didn’t send you anything 15 min went by
    ME: I answered your text on Sunday morning 20 min went by

    I then called him cause I didn’t know if he was getting any of my text
    No Answer
    he replied I got it, it just took 2 days.
    ME: ok good night
    10 min later he replied why do you always cut me off and say good night 🙁 I do miss you.
    ME: I didn’t cut you off I didn’t know if you were getting my text So I called and no answer. I just felt like you were busy so I would leave you alone.
    HIM: Don’t leave me a lone :(((\
    ME: it makes me feel sad. we had have no to little communication in the past 4 weeks. I understand that you are crazy busy and everything in your life is crazy right now. I just feel like there is no room for me.
    HIM: I miss your face
    ME: lol more than my teeth
    HIM: NO your teeth are so godamn cute
    ME: 🙂 I miss your smell

    Than nothing……. I don’t know what to make of that
    Should I just be happy that he missed my teeth and face????

    Cause I am a little aggravated that he did not answer me or deal with I had said. I wanted him to say yes my life is crazy but I definitely have room for you.

    I don’t but I want soooo much to text him right not and tell him that Im annoyed that he always avoids the problem….
    Should I just be happy with what he text me. Am I being ridiculous

    Thanks Sara xoxox

  146.  #146Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:35 am


    Thanks so much! You gave me tears… thanks! I’m crying today… just allowing my feelings to surface and contemplate…see where that takes me…. and since I’ve had very little peace before sleep… I don’t know what that feels like… ever! Maybe “M” might show me… and I’m noticing how little I value me… and have allowed myself to be put on the back burner my whole life… cuz that is what I was taught… so I said NO today… and it felt good… Big Hugs! <3

    @Vi that is so wonderful! Go Girl… love you!

  147.  #147Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:42 am

    OMG! It just came to me….. I’ve felt like an inconvenience my whole life…. to the world but also to people I love… and I bend over backwards to prove I’m worth it… and I don’t feel heard most of the time by not just “M” but my children, my ex, my family, my friends… it isn’t just “M”… You amazing women really are the ones in my life where I feel heard…

    I’ve felt like an inconvenience and not worth the effort for 50 years… “M” is just mirroring it back to me…. tears, lots of tears are coming…

    I can’t know if I’m valued if I constantly am not valuing myself… how can any man really love me? I want to feel loved and valued and heard… but I’m not doing it enough for myself… I’m pushing myself, punishing myself ( I’m so accident prone ) and proving myself… b/c I don’t feel enough as I am… OMG! Tears, tears are coming deep crying.. knowing… releasing…

    I just started typing and it all just came crashing out…


  148.  #148Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Heart: Yup! I have a gorgeous German Shepherd who apparently worked as a sheep dog in a past life. 🙂

    Sara: Big hugs to you. I think your man was telling you in his own way that he misses you. I think he misses you a lot. Him not wanting you to end conversations or leave him alone. He misses you. Maybe it’s easier for him to say he misses your teeth (??) and face than to say he misses you…but his other words…other things…say to me that he misses you very much.

    (((((Lisa))))) So you know where a lot of this is coming from now…which means you can begin to heal the real source of it. The tears are a wonderful thing here. And this “I just started typing and it all just came crashing out…” happens to me too and I LOVE it…even when it is painful….because it is sooooo real. Love to you today…

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 8:12 am


    I might not be the one to say here.. but 4 weeks… for me, that would be a way of saying I don’t have time for you… I’d be inclined to take it as a sign to start moving away… and start C’dating. I’m with you, it could have been more explanation of missing you and wanting to see you… and he could have picked up the phone.. or called back…

    I guess for me, it seems as though he might be hiding behind texting.. but I hesitate b/c I’m not an expert…. I don’t want to trigger anything…

    sending {{{Hugs}}}}

  150.  #150Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:13 am

    @Mercedes – OK. Yes. I agree. After a 4 HOUR conversation where I thought we were on the same page, apparently he decided to push “pause” anyway. Yes, my needs are not being met. I am confused how someone can LOVE someone and not make that other persons needs a priority in their life. Confusing to me. Is that even really love? I dont know.

    Thank you for separating out the two.

    1. GS is pulling away, and I guess pushed pause (thanks for letting me know GS……what a waste of time Friday was it seems.)

    2. Lunch date with old friend is separate.

    I did go buy new makeup and a new shirt, and I look ADORABLE today if I do say so myself. Totally cute in a new tight shirt and black skirt. 🙂

    @CurvySiren – Yes, I agree. Actions speak louder than words. Before, his actions showed me how much he loved me. Now, his actions show that he pushed pause. Which infuriates me because what the heck did we talk about for 4 hours? What was the point?

    @Sara – I think what you said in the texts was right and good!!! I think you and I are in a similar boat. He misses your face (and teeth!!!) but not enough to make the effort to do anything to see them. Same as my situation. Maybe I’m projecting here from my situation to yours. Of course, it sounds like he is really busy in his defense, GS is literally a few steps from me and doenst seem interested in being there for me…..

    By the way, I went out last night and had a few beers. That made things better so I didnt focus on GS. Also, there is a guy who is WAY too young (28) but has always wanted to have a date with me. I turned him down before because of GS. We ended up texting a lot last night – just silly flirty stuff, and I guess we are going out for drinks in a week and a half. Silly. He IS SO YOUNG. LOL.

    Anyway – while all this atteniton feels sort of good, its just not GS. Ugh.

  151.  #151sophie on July 2, 2013 at 8:32 am


    Thank you for sharing your process – I’ve been reading but not commented I think – sometimes what’s been happening with you has resonated with me and helped me in my own reflections…

    I am a lot where you describe right now I feel happy for you that you had a breakthrough and an emotional release…

    I am releasing my dam slowly I think and its not an emotional defence dam to stop me feeling its a what I let in dam …

    I’ve been reflecting more on more on how I believe I’m worthy of me…Indigo challenged me the other day when I said FWBCD was almost enough for me and I know he is not enough at all – what he has to offer right now is definitely ‘not enough’ for me…

    so its got be thinking about how to stretch myself to believing i am worthy of what i want; that i am enough. He rarely stays over: he says he’s protecting himself. He says that not taking me out is him protecting himself and most of the time I’m inclined to focus on feeling appreciative that he shared his feelings and his ‘vulnerability’ and that he is feeling increasingly safe enough to do so and then other times I think what am I putting up with this protecting himself BS for anyway!!! Even if he is and I respect that, why do I want to be entangled with a man who is so insistent on protecting himself…and not letting me in…

    My reflections are centred on where am I not letting in….(almost everywhere in my life i’m taking almost daily babysteps in letting more stuff in)

    and how do I strengthen my “I’m enough” muscles. I deserve all the best that life has to offer.

  152.  #152BeLoved on July 2, 2013 at 8:41 am

    I’m feeling SO much better 🙂
    I sooo enjoying and wallowing in this feeling of wow…
    Not 1 but 3 guys took something off of my hands today that I didn’t want to deal with, talking to the customer, smoothing things over, everything, without me asking or even feeling frustrated …I just asked them about it and
    Then the shop sup, who I’ve worked with for 2 years, opened the door for me. For the first time. Evah.
    HE looked surprised, like *he* didn’t even know why he was doing it, he just did it spontaneously
    haha he looked confused and it felt really good, natural, smooth, easy.
    Loving this…
    yes yes
    yum yum

  153.  #153sophie on July 2, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Also maybe his protecting himself thing is a mirror – maybe its all my own protecting myself BS 🙂

  154.  #154Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:58 am

    sophie – your post just made me crack up laughing. Like, literally out loud.

  155.  #155Millie on July 2, 2013 at 9:01 am

    @Heart 122

    Yes, I don’t want to lead him on. I suppose it is trying to control the situation, I don’t want him to try with me. I’m not interested and never will be…Why waste his time? I know this isn’t very sireny.

  156.  #156Millie on July 2, 2013 at 9:11 am

    On the other hand, a guy friend was saying to me that if I just want a fling with Musician I should just tell him. My actions so far may be giving the impression I want to date him….I don’t know how I feel about that. On one hand I don’t want to initiate it and risk sounding too….easy, but on the other he could be right…I don’t know. I’m feeling like I should do nothing right now and see what happens.

    Ah so tired today…

  157.  #157Syreena on July 2, 2013 at 9:17 am

    I feel confused with the contradictions.

    Don’t stay with a man if you can’t trust him

    Stay wih him and be sweet don’t be angry while he is seeing another woman.

    Don’t invite and take the lead or let a man move in.

    Invite him over and make it easy for him to move in.

    What is going on?

    This makes me feel off balance and confused.

    Can anyone help me with this?

  158.  #158Andrea on July 2, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Wow!! BIG AHA moment this morning. This has to do with fear of intimacy and me realizing that I have one major habit when it comes to “dealing” with men and relationships.

    A CD called me last night to follow up on a previous date we’d gone one. We talked for a little while and had a nice conversation. Then he said, “I’m in town all week long, in fact there is this carnival this week…”

    And I cut him off and said, “Hey! Have you heard about this new restaurant? They have an elvis impersonator coming on Friday night. I’d like to go see that!”

    Right away he jumped on board and said he would call and find out how much it was and come pick me up and etc…

    But this morning I have this deep realization that I missed out on something. I missed out on knowing what HE wanted to do. I missed on getting to know more about HIM. I missed out on hearing about more things the make HIM happy. He was about to share his idea with me and I jumped in and took over.

    WHY DO I DO THAT??? I’m not beating myself up about it. But I’m so curious. Looking back on that conversation I could almost feel the fear in the pit of my stomach when HE suggested something. What was I afraid of??

    I’m really actually scared to let a man have control. I really actually am…. sheesh…..

    Now I’m regretting that I do that. I can see so many times when I cut a man off mid-sentence just to interject MY thoughts before he could express himself.

    I also realized that when I take control of the date like that…. All I’m doing…. all I’ve been doing all along is DATING MYSELF!!! I haven’t allowed for the man to be fully present.

  159.  #159sophie on July 2, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Ha Ha Elsie 🙂 I’m glad I made you laugh at loud 🙂 Just the thought of you laughing out loud made me laugh out loud 🙂

  160.  #160elsie on July 2, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Proud of myself
    College cd asked.if he could change the date to.tomorrow. i said no im sorry i have plans tomorrow. He said ok coild we move our lunch back 15 min? I said sure!!!

    Also a guy in the lobby just stopped me to tell me i look fantastic.

    All that and i still want gs. Lol. Im bananas.

  161.  #161elsie on July 2, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Sophie….now im chuckling at that lol

  162.  #162sophie on July 2, 2013 at 9:31 am

    155 Andrea – I feel excited for you now of all the discoveries you can make with this new awareness 🙂 it feels big 🙂 I’ve begun to explore ‘letting men surprise me’ and it feels delicious – its stretches my life parameters – if we always do it my way (which is what I always used to do) I miss out on all these things I’d never of thought of doing and as you say I miss out on ‘knowing’ more deeply about that man and what he wants to delight me with – it feels delicious

  163.  #163Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Awesome awareness Andrea

  164.  #164elsie on July 2, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Omg. Another huy just stopped in the lobby and told me i look nice
    Wtf???? Lol

  165.  #165sophie on July 2, 2013 at 9:37 am

    154 Syreena – I want to try to help if I can but I can only offer my interpretation – are these all ideas taken from different posts if so I think the context may be important?

  166.  #166Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 9:39 am

    RE 154 Context is important. What works for one situation might not work for the other.

  167.  #167Mcat on July 2, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Thank you so very much Rori for the advice and encouraging words. I was surprised and delighted to see you’d posted a reply to my message.
    Since I’ve started watching your programs I’ve felt a steady buildup of courage inside me. It’s scary and thrilling. You are a genius! What did Shakespeare write…”you have to die in order to live.”

  168.  #168Sassy on July 2, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Oh Elsie,

    Don’t you see?

    GS stepped back so potentially the right one has room to move forward

  169.  #169elsie on July 2, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Lol. A woman just told me i look nice. Ok seriously??? Ive hadmore compliments today lol

    College gs is running late and texting me as he walks minute by minute because he feels bad he is late lol

  170.  #170elsie on July 2, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Sassy…..lol i dont know

  171.  #171Rori Raye on July 2, 2013 at 9:49 am

    KK16 – Welcome – and I can’t believe he’s so stupid he doesn’t know how you feel -so – I can’t imagine you have anything to lose by opening up – as long as you control the “desperate” vibe by not going there in your head. Lean way back, share that you feel romantic feelings for him, that you love being with him, that you think he’s handsome and wonderful – AND that you feel afraid of moving too fast and feel best with him leading – also that, no matter what, you want to treasure the friendship – and yet, now it’s moved to something more than that for you. Stay away from expectations – and go for the familiarity of spending time together. You’re going to have to both be open and arm and sexual with him – and yet Circular Date and have a life. The Modern Siren ‘combo” here….it just takes some getting used to. If you shut down – he shuts down. If you pen up but step BACKWARDS – he should move toward you. Just see if you can discover this dynamic. If he doesn’t move toward you consistently – then please Circular Date for real. Love, Rori

  172.  #172LoveAlways on July 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Day two of my 40 day meditation/fast. Fasting feels so grounding because it is a sense of deprivation, and when I feel deprived I remember to FEEL. I don’t think. I’m practicing dropping any thoughts I have (except when I’m working, lol) and feeling. I am also in a constant state of prayer. So when those feelings of deprivation swell up in me, I instantly sink into my feelings, no matter where I am, drop any thoughts for that moment and whisper wisdom, gratitude, love and requests from my heart. I feel light headed

  173.  #173Sassy on July 2, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Love always,

    I love this process you are beginning! I feel excited to see what it does for you.

    I am on Day 23 after telling him there would be no further contact. These past few days have been very difficult, even tho there has been someone else (who, btw, Elsie, is a whole lot younger than me!).

    I will hold firm this time.

  174.  #174LoveAlways on July 2, 2013 at 10:13 am


    Thank you. Thanks for sharing about your no contact as well. That feels wonderful! 23 days is fabulous – you must feel so many good things with each new day.

    Fasting makes me feel so aware of my body now – not always in a judgemental way (although, yes, I have ramped up my workout routine), but I am constantly aware of it, each muscle, every bulge, it’s all me, and it’s mine and love it and I’m in control of it and I can shape each part and that is what I am doing and it all feels good and new.

  175.  #175KK16 on July 2, 2013 at 10:15 am


    Thank you so much for your advice. I will try my best to stay open but backup and to be open with my feelings without going to the desperation point.
    Your advice has helped me relax a bit about tonight. And the part about telling him I feel afraid of moving too fast is nothing short of brilliant!


  176.  #176Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Trying to work through something with the kids dad and got this “Read my last email. I got this covered.”

    I couldn’t help myself I started crying and wrote back

    “I feel my heart open so wide with gratitude from reading this. I feel teary eyed and emotional. I did not realize I had so much pressure built up on the inside of me around this. I feel so much anxiety releasing in my stomach.
    I really really appreciate this. It has really been difficult going through things alone with the kids. Now I feel safe and taken care of and like all is going to be well.
    Thank you very much from the depths of my heart. You are a good man”.

  177.  #177Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Oooh, I only got one snarky one of all the replies. A guy criticizing my post and asking “where is the logic in that?” Oooh, that feels bad … his “logic.” Delete.

    I’m realizing even more details of having self-worth and standards. It feels bad when a guy disconnects for days at a time. It doesn’t work for me. I’m not going to tolerate it anymore.

  178.  #178Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Yesterday I was with a girlfriend who is a natural siren. Though sometimes I judge her for talking too much. We were going to Connecticut and a exCD who still stays close was going too and I invited him to travel with us because we all wanted to come back early. So he drove.

    When she got out the car she said “I am feeling so affectionate towards you I feel like hugging and kissing you”.

    She talks like this all the time. She talks about her intuition and she is a shameless flirt.

    I don’t know of another woman who is so open. Speaks her mind to the point of coming across rude but makes it so playful she can saying anything to anyone. Guys are always coming on to her though sometimes I think her sexual jokes are over the top. But her boundaries are very clear and out there. It is really eyeopening and refreshing to be in her presence.

  179.  #179BeLoved on July 2, 2013 at 10:53 am

    FW 174 – my heart swelled up and I choked up a little reading this. It feels so good to me knowing that he’s ‘got this’ for you.

  180.  #180BeLoved on July 2, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Does anyone have the “my heart beats for ME” tool handy to post?
    I am improvising right now 🙂
    It would feel great to see the original.

  181.  #181Syreena on July 2, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Ty Sophie and FW. I hear what you say about contex.

    Just still feel confused as advice general advice which appeared to be to everyone was don’t let a man move in until ou have the realtionship you want offered.

    And now on this thread Mcat is being advised the opposite.

    Also on last thread re Bianaca being advised to stay.

    But this thread advises to leave if you can’t trust.

    The only thing I can think of with Bianca is that her option to leave is not really there at the moment as she has no employement. So her first step would be to stay but find some work to at least then give her a real option of being able to leave.

  182.  #182Daria on July 2, 2013 at 11:01 am

    i feel excited reading some of Erika’s scripts about “i would not even get there with a guy unless we have a lot else to talk about”

    and “when it comes to meeting up with people im definitely an “appointment girl” ”

    ah that feels freeing to have some clear words to use im gonna use these

  183.  #183Syreena on July 2, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Feel both sad and glad reading Elsies posts.

    Sad that she wants a man who is not offfering her much at all.
    Crumbs. And how we have all been there and how sad it makes me feel that we do this to ourselves.

    And glad that she is not sitting around and has brought herself something cute to wear and is engaging with others having fun.

    O would want to say to that man bye then you snooze you lose.

  184.  #184Syreena on July 2, 2013 at 11:12 am

    feeling a little agitated tonight, feels difficult to make myself move to get out of it

  185.  #185Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 11:15 am


    Mercedes. Lean in to your computer. ((hugs)))

    Thats me giving you a million hugs.

    Now take a breath because you are going to like the next sentence.

    You were right.

    100% Right.

    Cd’ing is EXACTLY what I need to be doing right now.

    I had the best lunch date ever. And it was DATE. For sure.

    It was an hour and 15 minutes of FUN. We reconnected and had a great time.

    I felt weird when the check came and the guy said separate or together, and he looked at me and there was this silence, and I should have let him fill it but I didnt and I said ‘oh, separate’ ugh. I shouldn’t have. UGH. LOL. Oh well, moving on.

    Great time. Seriously great time. He asked for my number and wants to get together again, so we’ll see.

    He was so nervous too. I could tell. It was stinkin’ adorable. ADORABLE. His hands were shaking at one point – how cute is that?

    And seriously he is hot. Smokin’ hot.

    GS Who?????

  186.  #186Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 11:21 am


    I’m laughing at myself right now. Just smiling. Just….smiling.

    He was wonderful. He was amazing. So cute. I’m looking at GS right now and …. wow, I dont feel what I did a few hours ago.

    Is something wrong with me? Am I that fickle that I can turn off my emotions with him when a cute boy comes my way? I have to think about how that feels.

    Man, this lunch was nice. So, nice. I felt so feminine and flirty. (Wish I didnt offer to pay, but I was uncomfortable with the silence….I know I should have just allowed him to say something…..he looked like he wanted to pay, but wasnt sure if I thought it was a date or not, etc.)

    OK I’m a little giddy.

    I havent felt “giddy” in a while. LOL.

  187.  #187sophie on July 2, 2013 at 11:31 am

    179 – hey syreena – I didn’t see where Mcat was being advised to have him move in? I saw that Mcat was already going to CD and go for the relationship she wants but ‘leave the door open’ for this man to see if he can relax into wanting the same thing… the having him go to her house was rather than her go to his house – that’s what I took from it

    As to the other one – yes – some Sirens posted views on that above – Mercedes I think…

  188.  #188Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Thanks Daria! I am having fun.

    “I don’t like to drive to dates, it feels very unfeminine to me.”

    Guy hinting at date and not taking the initiative to suggest something … “I feel open to meeting you. I don’t like to plan dates, it feels very unfeminine to me.”


  189.  #189Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Guy suggesting neighborhood far away from me …

    “Mmm yea that feels way too far away, and I don’t like to drive to dates it feels totally unfeminine. 9:30 feels good, I might not stay out too late. I live near all the hotels, [list] so any of those would feel effortless and fun … what do you think?”

  190.  #190sophie on July 2, 2013 at 11:39 am

    yay elsie! glad you had a positive experience 🙂

  191.  #191Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 11:40 am

    I don’t like to feel angry, I’m not going to make any investment until it’s worth making an investment …

  192.  #192Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 11:40 am

    LOL! Elsie! I’m so happy you had fun!!!

    “Is something wrong with me? Am I that fickle that I can turn off my emotions with him when a cute boy comes my way? ”

    There’s nothing wrong with you at all. And those feelings/emotions are probably not shut off but (to use the words of the now famous GS), they are on “pause”. That’s what cding did for me. I just had a lot of fun. No real romantic connection (except potentially one but in the end, I chose J) but yeah…fun…something to take my mind off J and someone else to talk to.

    What happened to you today is EXACTLY what cding is designed to do. That way, in the end, you can choose what makes you the happiest. I’d encourage you to do a lot more of this and just seriously enjoy life and experiences with lots of people. It’s all about choices and with lots of dating comes lots of choices and lots of getting to learn about what makes you happy. And then…someone steps up and you choose if it is enough for you.

    I’m sooooo sooooo happy for you right now and giving a big huge hug right back atcha!!

    Much Love,

  193.  #193Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 11:41 am

    “feel effortless and fun” … I’m going to say that one a lot … if it doesn’t feel effortless and fun, I’m not interested

  194.  #194Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 11:45 am

    FW: Your girlfriend sounds like a lot of fun to learn from! I LIKE her! 🙂

    And your gratitude message…wow! LOVED that! It’s one thing to show a man gratitude with words and actions but those particular words…amazing! Who wouldn’t absolutely LOVE to hear something like that from a woman? AWESOME!

    Much Love,

  195.  #195Dominique on July 2, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Elsie – So happy for you. Just what you needed to break this logjam open. Instead of looking at this as you possibly being fickle, maybe you are allowing yourself perspective here.


  196.  #196Andrea on July 2, 2013 at 11:46 am

    “I don’t like to drive to dates.. it feels totally unfeminine.”

    Yay!! Erika!! I’m going to use that again and again. I don’t like to argue, it feels totally unfeminine. I don’t want to make the decision for where we are going, it feels totally unfeminine. I don’t want to pick up the tab, it feels totally unfeminine… what do you think?

    : )

  197.  #197CurvySiren10 on July 2, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Elsie, I’m happy for you too and I don’t think you are being fickle at all. In fact, if anything it’s just you opening yourself to what it feels like to receive a lot of attention and being desired and flirted with…without having to pull teeth to get it. I honestly think this is just what you need right now, so you can remember how it can feel easy breezy and effortless to have a man come to YOU. This is so healthy and good for you right now!!

  198.  #198Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Thank you everyone for being with me on my journey which is far far far from over.

    I feel like I sort of stepped on to a different continent today in the journey. I dont know where I will end up, or what country I will be in, but I’m going to just enjoy the journey.

    Did I mention that this guy is SO funny and cracked me up. So cute. Seriously. I’m sooooo grinning like an idiot at my desk. LOL

  199.  #199Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Syreena: I completely agree with you about the Bianca advice. I didn’t come to terms with that one at all.

    Today’s advice though feels a little different for me. I think it is a beautiful thing to allow space for a man to move in. To move in to your life, your home, etc. To open your heart to a man so he feels safe in that space is a wonderful thing.

    Many times when women don’t have a man in their lives, I’ll ask them to take a look around their environment and see if there is “space”, if it is open to receiving a man.

    Is there space in the bedroom? Is there a nightstand for him? Are there empty drawers welcoming to a man’s things? Is there room in the bathroom for another toothbrush (and a place to put it) and space for his aftershave lotions, etc? What about the kitchen? Is there enough dishes and pots and pans for him to cook you an elaborate breakfast in bed? Does the living room furniture encourage cuddling and falling asleep in each other’s arms while watching a movie? Does he have a key and can he decide, on a whim to come see you and can wait comfortably if you’re not there? what about the decor? Is it such that a man would feel comfortable there and feel comfortable inviting his friends over (when he lives there)?

    All of this is about “making space” for the man (or multiple men – although I don’t recommend the key for multiples but…to each her own on that one) in your life. This is about inviting him in. It is about sending a signal out to the universe that you are ready to receive a man and that your “space” has been prepared for him. It is about knowing that this will happen for you and ensuring your surroundings are prepared for it so the transition just flows when it is time for that to happen.

    Hope that helps clarify what it’s like from my point of view. I have no idea if that’s what Rori is referring to though…

    Much Love,

  200.  #200Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Ineresting comment from a man who apologized to me after disappearing for a while. He traveled and just got back.

    “You welcome. am now whole. Now I can boldly say I would like to invite you out.”

  201.  #201Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    @ sophie

    Thanks for writing… yes, I do understand.. and protecting one’s self is one thing and allowing it to take over the relationship is another…..

    If “M” didn’t have planned by his doing 3-4 dates a week… then I would have left long time ago…

    and I do sometimes ask myself why am I putting up with this BS… and I think I said that to him this weekend…this is bullshit… ( not one of my finer syrine moments.. but I was being real)

    I can see through BS easily… and guys don’t like it… but he later on said to me.. I see how your right there is nothing I can say, b/c your right….. my behavior isn’t that of a man that is committed… but he is working on it… I can tell he does love me enough to work on it…

    I’m just confused and all I can do is work on me…that part I can do easily… I can stay in my own business and work on me…

    Thanks so much for writing to me… and I’m still finding out if “M” is enough for me..and yes I like that term stretching myself to be worthy of me.. and what I want…deserve

    I’m so happy you have already come to clarity with that… and working on your dam… we seem to have lots in common…


  202.  #202Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    @FW – I love that!!!! If it were me, I would answer and say “I’m glad you are whole! Now, I can boldly say yes.” 🙂

  203.  #203Veronica on July 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    I had to admit to myself that I still love BM – that that connection is still there. Okay … difficult or normal. I can just admit it – I don’t have to turn it into anything imaginary. It feels stronger once I acknowledge it. It’s just there and I don’t necessarily have to do anything about it. I can still do my own thing and let it be – that’s what it feels like deep down. It’s this thing on its own.
    But there are other parts of myself that are returning to me and that feels refreshing, hopeful. So many times I have to reel myself in and say wait, before you do what you always do, wait.

    But also feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, being in masculine mode for so long and so intensely is draining and I get quite aggro.

  204.  #204Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Here we go with me being insecure and crazy.

    I shouldnt have offered to pay, but it wasnt officially a date, so I hope I didnt emasculate him? Ugh. Now, I’m going over the things I may have done wrong on the “date.” LOL

  205.  #205Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Elsie how about acknowledging that you have an “anxious” attachment? What can you do now?

  206.  #206Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Elsie…please don’t do this to yourself. Your world is not going to fall apart because you paid for your own lunch…I promise…

    An emasculated man (even if, worse case scenario, that’s what had happened) typically does NOT ask to see you again….

    🙂 Put that giddy smile back on your face!!

    Much Love,

  207.  #207MovingMagic on July 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    I’m beginning a week of “I loves”. I’m going to write a list of everything I love in my life, in my journal. It’s hard to put the pen down once I start. Anyone want to join in with me??

  208.  #208Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    MM: I do something similar each morning with my gratitude journal. Sometimes it’s hard because I make myself leave off all the “givens” like friends and family and J (those are just too easy). On a rough patch I can find it hard but…this exercise has gotten a lot easier over the years.

    Yes…I’ll join you in this. I’ll add “I love” to the list of “Thank you for…” 🙂 Sounds like a beautiful thing.

    Much Love,

  209.  #209Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    @FW – I totally have anxious attachment style. LOL.

    @Mercedes – True. He did ask. And he was so cute about getting my digits. LOL. And then he just was sort of “looking” at me several times. I cant believe its been 20 years since we have seen each other. Time seemed not to have passed at all.

    We were standing outside the building where I work, and he was like….are those nosy people that you talked about – can they see us over here? I said, yes, maybe…..so he started waving…..I was laughing so hard.. He was like, come on – you have to wave too…..so funny.

    And his hug at the end. Wow. Good stuff.

    I LOVE the fact that he seemed SO nervous.

    I love the fact that he asked to move it to tomorrow and when I said I couldnt do it tomorrow he said – ok, I’ll figure it out and just be 15 min late. I LOVE that.

    But I’m so sad too – GS hasnt even said one word to me today. Not even ONE word.

    I guess he pushed “pause” anyway.

  210.  #210Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Elsie; How about, for the next 24 hours, unless GS is physically standing in front of you and talking to you, every single time you find yourself thinking of him, you gently tell your mind to stop and you consciously think of something fun or funny from your lunch today. Just 24 hours of basically forcing yourself to think of someone other than GS UNLESS GS is leaning forward and rowing your boat right at that very moment.

    Do you think that would work for you? Or is it at least worth a try?

    I really think you need more of these lunches (with lots of different men). It’ll give you plenty of moments to gush over when you find your mind going to a negative place.

    Enjoy the moment Elsie. Each moment. Move yourself out of the past and out of the future and into what it feel like to be this gorgeous woman (I know this because you’ve been complimented all day long) who just had a really fun lunch. No need to ruin that amazing feeling with thoughts of what GS isn’t doing and what you should have done and what that all means for the future. Ugh! That stuff doesn’t matter at all! What matters is, what does it feel like to be a gorgeous woman who just had an amazing lunch??? How does that feel? Regardless of other people, how does that feel? Focus on it. 🙂

    Much Love,

  211.  #211Indigo on July 2, 2013 at 1:09 pm


    I haven’t read all the posts and I may not because I am super-tired from travelling… 🙂


    Can I just assure you, you do not need to be emotionally or mentally ‘in the right place’ in order to circular date. Just take your misery and your vulnerability out on a date. G0d knows, I’ve done this often enough. It doesn’t change everything magically, nor should you expect it to be a replacement for what you really want.

    But what it does do, and this I can promise you, is give you fabulous coping mechanisms at times like this, until you are convinced that you are ok, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

    For me, this has taken the form of going on dates, taking myself off to Ireland, going to fun places, going on walks, reading, buying myself stuff… sometimes feeling totally crummy all the while. But now my life is so full that when a disappointment with a guy happens, I bounce back that much faster.

  212.  #212Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    @Mercedes – Ok – before I get to your post, I want to say I realized something.

    I’m addicted to the “story.” GS and I’s story is a wonderful one. Two people clinging to each other. Holding hands in a car for 3 months without even kissing. Holding each other up for a year and a half. Knowing that someone could really really be there for me in my darkest moments. That we had this special retreat in the middle of work was our oasis – each other. We clung to each other. In the end we get married and its an amazing story.

    I love that story. I dont want to let go of the STORY. I’m so disappointed and frustrated that he stopped clinging to me. For no apparent reason, except it just happened.


    On to your post.

    Ok. Mercedes. I will not ask him about lunch tomorrow with my daughter. I will not talk to him for the next 24 hours unless he is calling me or in front of me. If he calls me I will answer and then not chit chat if it isnt important or about work.

    Every time I think of him, I will instead think of CollegeCD and the wonderful date I had at lunch today. I will take you up on your challenge.

    Thank you for reminding me to enjoy this moment. It may not happen again with College CD – who knows what will happen – but today was nice, and I really enjoyed it and was so nervous and he was so cute. 🙂

    I do feel like a gorgeous woman who had an amazing lunch. I actually do feel like that.

    I’ll focus on that. 🙂 Thanks Mercedes. 🙂

    Now you get to say “I told you so.” I know you are waiting to say it LOL!!!!!!

  213.  #213Millie on July 2, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Yay Elsie!

    I’m so glad you are CDing!!!! And the guys sounds great…I wouldn’t worry about the check thing….it was the first time you met in a while so it’s ok. Now you know next time will be a date! Yay!

  214.  #214Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    “6 Steps To Unlock His Love

    1. STOP asking him questions.

    Stop asking him for ANYTHING!!!!

    You cannot draw him out by trying to draw him out – he’ll dig in further, just like a snail. Specifically, asking a man “Why he doesn’t like something…” is a VERY challenging, judgmental way to communicate.

    In fact, I expressly forbid that kind of thing (I call it “The Innocent Question…”) in my “4 Rules.”

    Your job (for now, while you’re getting clarity and experimenting) is to:

    2. LET him lock himself away.

    Not only do I want you to let him do whatever he does – but to honor him and love him FOR who he is, even for all his coping skills, no matter how much you don’t LIKE them.

    “Like” has nothing to do with accepting and loving.

    Love and acceptance are unconditional – what our minds tell us, what we prefer are all conditional and only useful as information and data to you right now.

    3. Smile more.

    4. Appreciate him verbally.

    Acknowledge him as much as you can for the small things he does you can find it in yourself to appreciate.

    5. Try to have as much fun in your life as possible, and…

    6. STOP trying to get anything “out of him.”

    These steps are the quickest way to see a change in a relationship, and in a man himself.

    While you’re working with this Tool, I want you to absolutely be aware of whether your own needs are getting met. It would be great for you to ask yourself some questions about what your needs actually ARE, and how you prioritize them”

    Love, Rori

  215.  #215Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Elsie: That’s not one of those things I say…I’ve just been waiting patiently….LOL!

    Let’s teach you to live in the moment.

    You may still have your story. You may end up with an even better one. The end of the story is way too far into the future for you to worry about (or cling to) right now. Heck…my story is pretty cool one too and I don’t know how it ends. 🙂 Do any of us? So why try to plan the end of our story? Planning the end will take up so much time that we’ll forget to enjoy the middle…

    Much Love,

  216.  #216Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Yay Andrea – I’m glad it feels helpful 🙂 I like the idea of only going on dates where either he picks me up and takes me to the restaurant or it’s within a couple of blocks of my home.

    Now I’m going to receive a massage, that always feels good. And pick up some frozen fruit for my smoothies. I’m missing my smoothies since I got back to SF 🙂

  217.  #217Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    @Mercedes – well you can say it – you deserve to say it after all you have helped me with 😉

    I will say I COMPLETELY forgot about GS for that hour and a half. COMPLETELY. That was nice too. I mean, he wasnt even in the back of my mine. That felt good, and relaxing.

    I just love the story of GS and I. I dont want it to end this way. You are right – I may end up with a better story.

    And by the way I love your story.

    Sometimes I think I do worry too much about the past or about what the future of a story is, and dont enjoy the now the middle…

  218.  #218Indigo on July 2, 2013 at 1:51 pm


    Yay you, first of all!

    Have you thought of taking yourself on a holiday? I say that because it’s been such a profound and wonderful way to take care of myself. You know, just put down the oars of your own life and let yourself drift for a while, even if it’s just for a day or two.

  219.  #219Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    …Elsie…saying “I told you so” would be me dwelling on the past…I prefer to enjoy this moment with you. This moment where a man felt nervous in your presence…where a man set up a time to be with you and confirmed that time in advance…where a man refused to let you stress about the time so he updated you when he was running behind…where a man made you smile…where a man made you laugh out loud…where a man notices your beauty…where a man asked if he could see you again and you didn’t even have to initiate it…where a man indicated he’ll call you to make plans and isn’t asking you to call him to make plans…

    yeah…I want to enjoy that moment with you…I don’t want to dwell on the past right now. I don’t want that at all…

    Much Love,

  220.  #220Indigo on July 2, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Ooh, feelings in my soup today:

    1. Exhiliration
    2. Amazement at the beauty
    3. Awe
    4. Softness and gratitude
    5. Anger
    6. Tiredness

  221.  #221Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    On another note (to update those who have been following):

    We had another minor setback but it looks like we will have the final build out plans for the studio/spa early next week and can finally send it out for bid.

    We have approved the design for and ordered the exterior sign.

    We have ordered a “coming soon” banner for the physical location while we wait for the “real” sign and the build out to be finished up.

    We have our website sort of up (just a small one page thing right now announcing our “coming soon”). The full website has been created and is ready to go live once all the instructors and class types and times are in place.

    We have our Facebook account active and have started posting pictures.

    We have a twitter account that I have barely used but will (will, will, will) begin to make more active.

    We have almost all of the permits we need in place.

    We are really, really rolling with this!! It is going to happen!!!!! YAY!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  222.  #222Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    @mercedes –

    Yes….I didnt think about these things:

    This moment where a man felt nervous in your presence…where a man set up a time to be with you and confirmed that time in advance…where a man refused to let you stress about the time so he updated you when he was running behind…where a man made you smile…where a man made you laugh out loud…where a man notices your beauty…where a man asked if he could see you again and you didn’t even have to initiate it…

    Now to be fair, he didnt say he would call me, but Im hoping……

    He has a great job that he really loves. Two kids. He is soooo funny, and really really fun to be with. It was very easy today.

    I did tell him that I felt nervous to tell him my whole story about my upcoming divorce, etc. and I knew it would come up, and he just smiled and I think it actually made him feel better that I was a bit nervous too, but then I said, you really did make it so I didnt feel nervous about the story, it felt really easy to tell you. I think he really liked that I felt comfortable around him.

    When we were walking it would have been so natural for him and I to hold hands or have his arm around me – that felt crazy that I felt so close to him. Obviously we were on a lunch date and I dont know if he knows that I really like him, but I flirted as much as I could, (and I’m pretty good at that like you are Mercedes LOL!) and there were several times where we both stopped talking and just looked at each other and smiled. Just that look of “wow….ok, you are totally cute.” I LOVE that look. I MISS that look.

  223.  #223Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    @Mercedes – I’m seriously SO excited for you – It sounds like things are totally moving along. Do you hve a date for the grand opening?!

  224.  #224Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Elsie….thank you! 🙂 Because of the setbacks, I think we are looking at close to October 1 for grand opening. That’s a little further out than we planned but…it’s also a good time for really any fitness/exercise industry. Summer tends to be really slow so…I’m kind of okay with starting in the fall (In Houston, October is definitely fall, not winter). It’s been frustrating but after the final designs come in next week, we will be able to put together an actual project plan with deadlines, etc. Up to this point, that has been impossible.

    Much Love,

  225.  #225Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 2:43 pm


    That is wonderful! and for some weird reason I thought you were in Atlanta… LOL!


  226.  #226Mercedes on July 2, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    🙂 Lisa: Thank you! And no…not Atlanta…but I LOVE it there! My heart has a soft spot for Savannah too…that’s where I met the love of my life…. (didn’t know it at the time though. lol)

    Much Love,

  227.  #227Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Anger, I’m feeling so much anger right now so this post is so appropriate. I just got back from a family reunion so I’m sure that’s why! hahahaha!!!

    I’m angry at my father for being so self-centered and selfish, while at the same time, my mother just dotes on him and reinforces this behavior. But it really makes me feel so much anger towards him. Arggh

    I’m angry at the self-sacrificing mothers (huge family and I’m one of the only unmarried one without children). I dunno but the doting self-sacrificing mother figure was just making me ill. I know it sounds awful to say but jheez do we have to wrap our whole lives around our children like they are g0ds??? I guess there’s a reason I never had kids.

    I’m angry at women in general who feel like they have to be so selfless and giving (christ! what is up with that??), and then meanwhile they are petty and backstabbing and shitty friends esp if they feel jealous of you around their man. Such f’n BS!!! OK, feeling a bit little burned here since that has happened to me frequently.

    Sorry, I’m not trying to offend mothers out there, its just the whole self-sacrificing thing is really getting on my nerves!

    I think I just some serious alone time otherwise I might bite someone’s head off!

    Anyway, if anyone has advice about how to deal with anger (not towards a man but in general) please let me know….I could really use it!!! 🙁

  228.  #228Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Oh yeah, and another thing that makes me feel angry. Wimpy men. I had a date a few weeks ago and I just wasn’t feeling any chemistry, just a nothing feeling. And now looking back, I think I felt angry. I was angry at him for complaining and being a wimp, and just not being a man. I just found this so totally unattractive and it makes me angry thinking about it. I mean its like come on, do you really think its attractive to complain about anything on a first date???? F’n clueless.

    Sorry…ranting here!! I’m probably just not ready to date but I do think there’s a reason I’m feeling angry…there’s messages for me that I need to hear.

    I’m tired of giving men a “second chance” when my heart and soul is screaming at me not to and to just get away from them! Christ, we give each other such bad advice sometimes while our bodies/intuition know the truth.

  229.  #229Syreena on July 2, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    feel so glad i made myself move and go out, feeling happy chillled and relaxed.

  230.  #230seahorse on July 2, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Liquid light- FEEL IT!! Scream in a pillow! PUNCH THAT PILLOW!!!! Tell your anger you love it……. let it come and go with it.

    When I first moved out I couldn’t get it out. Then I started yoga and got into breathing. Then one weekend I got super triggered……………… I got in my jeepp and drove far far into the mountains……… four wheel drive and through mud. All the while I could feel it coming…………. got my baseball bat and got walking up higher. i found and downed tree and beat the living daylights out of it. At some point tears started and then the screaming……….. then just tons of sobbing. Lasted for over an hour.

    It was freaking glorious! I felt clean and peaceful after. I held that in for a lifetime it felt like. I felt kinda scared too but just kept swinging my bat and let it fly. I haven’t had that level of anger again. I got scared to let it go for awhile but I have found that it’s the under stuff, under the anger I can find easier………….. I do love being able to get angry now and it’s okay. It’s just fine. It’s mine:) I love it.

  231.  #231Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Its windy, and I feel angry at the wind! hahaha!!! GRRRR!!!!

  232.  #232seahorse on July 2, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    There’s some typos in that last post……….:) I just got mad at a man on the phone, a customer service guy…………….. he was rude and wouldn’t listen to me. Kept saying it was my computer……….. I felt sorry for him and then said to him Aren’t you supposed to be customer service?…….. yes ma’am…………… Then how come you’re not helping me. I don’t want to argue…………………. Because your computer needs to be taken to get fixed………… I ssaid No it’s not broken, i explained to whats happening and I don’t feel comfortable talking to you any longer, may I speak with your manager or someone else please? ………….. NO, you can’t…………………. Okie dokie Mr. meany pants …………….. then I hung up. Wow!

    Mr. Meany pants?? Really??? ……………………… duuuddeee

  233.  #233seahorse on July 2, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    The lady who helped me after I called back ……….. she knew what to do and in three minutes we had it fixed. hehehehehehe…….. Mr Meany Pants just cracks me up………. thats all I could think of. I liked the old cable customer service.

  234.  #234Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Does anyone else ever feel like this????

  235.  #235Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    It just bugs me that women are so constrained by what culturally we can and can’t feel/express. I guess that’s kinda RR’s point though. I feel so constrained, like its not OK to feel these bad feelings, but I do and that’s just the way it is. Ughh. 🙁

  236.  #236Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Happy, smiling puppet woman, that’s what we’re supposed to be. Yuck!

  237.  #237Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    I guess I need to learn that its OK to feel angry, its just how it comes out. When I express my angry towards someone else (as I did towards my father because he did yet again another stupid, clueless thing), it never turns out well. But it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t feel anger, I just need to express it differently I guess.

  238.  #238Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Thanks Seahorse, I’ve tried that but it hasn’t helped me in the past unfortunately. The anger is still there…

  239.  #239Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Wow, I thought I was feeling angry toward my ex but now I’m realizing that the anger is really about other stuff. I think I’m feeling angry about being a woman…or something…about women being fake, faking their emotions, and about how *ingrained* that is in us!!! WOW!!!

  240.  #240Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Trying Mercedes. Im trying to think about CollegeCD instead of GS. Why is that SO HARD? Insane. One treated me awesome and so funny and nervous and sweet The other (gs) didnt talk to me for four days.

    I”m bananas. Ok – back to thinking about lunch.

  241.  #241Dominique on July 2, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Elsie – Are accustomed to being treated poorly, men not stepping up, being passive, making you feel anxious and piney?

    This is possibly what you’ve been equating with love all of this time. It may not feel good, but it’s familiar, and there is comfort in the familiar even when it feels so awful.

    So maybe you’ve been attracted to this.

    With awareness, you can break this pattern. College CD might just be your ticket out of this cycle.


  242.  #242Liquid Light on July 2, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    I’m reading Gone Girl now. I think a lot of these themes run through the book, maybe that’s why they are coming up for me. There’s a lot of ambivalence about being a woman that is reflected in that book, and a lot of anger. I thought it was written by a man because of that, but its written by a woman. Interesting. Very interesting. I think she’s picking up on the undercurrents in our society, and though its fiction, it really reflects some profound and troubling ideas about what it means to be a woman/wife/mother in our society right now. She’s obviously a feminist but she reflects all the post-feminist angst in her story that many of us women struggle with (and don’t even know it!) today. Plus its an incredibly engrossing page turner. Great distraction from all the anger I’m feeling…hahahahaha!!!

  243.  #243Dominique on July 2, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Wonderful redirect Liquid Light. 🙂


  244.  #244Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Wow a guy canceled date a few hours ahead of time, and I reached into myself and found that I now have no interest in meeting him. Of course he had a “reason” and truth is I’ve never had a good experience with any man who postpones dates. I didn’t even bother with feeling messages. Just told him it’s a deal breaker for me and that’s that. Maybe he’ll make a better date for some other woman in the future and think twice before he keeps doing that. Not my concern. Reliability is a Must Have for me.

  245.  #245Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Next 🙂

  246.  #246Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 5:12 pm


    I have realized that I have chosen men who are in some way not stepping up and/or available for me. I have noticed this pattern just over the weekend ironically. I think I am accustomed to being treated poorly, men not stepping up, being passive, making you feel anxious and piney…..yes.
    This is huge, and maybe its an important revelation.

  247.  #247Dominique on July 2, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Elsie – Yes it is. 🙂 YAY you!!! Now you have something to work with, look for, avoid going forward.


  248.  #248Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Worthiness, Elsie.

    It has been an anger week for pretty much everyone I now. This morning I worked with a client who was very angry … and underneath it was really worthiness. She doesn’t even feel like it’s okay to speak up when people are treating her poorly, and then when she doesn’t speak up she gets even more angry.

    This is why to me it feels so important to be clear about my values and not waver from them. Guys breaking dates at the last minute violates my value of reliability and trust. It’s a deal breaker. I don’t care how “cute” he is. He’s done.

  249.  #249janie baby on July 2, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Zia: Do you recommend that program? The Secret of Deliberate Creation? I’ve been very curious about learning how to manifest and the law of attraction. Is the program worth it? Are there any cheaper alternatives you recommend or is the best one?

    So a few weeks ago I updated the blog on how me and my guy were taking space. A few days after, he was blowing up my phone about how much he missed me and how he wanted to see me very soon. So since then we’ve been hanging out a few times a week but just a couple sleepovers. We haven’t slept together. We are trying to take things slow so we can not take each other for granted again.
    Last week I barely saw him because he was very sick. He slept over a week ago on Monday and then woke up tuesday super sick so he was in bed all week.
    I offered to come over and help him out but he said he wanted to be alone which hurt my feelings a bit. He works all weekend usually because he’s a security guard so I usually don’t see him on the weekends. He works saturday night 10 pm to 2 am and 6 am til 2 pm so he sleeps Sunday. However saturday night he called me and said he missed me so much he’ll come over the next day at 8 pm. or 9 pm after he sleeps. On sunday around that time he’s not here, so I call him. No response. I got really emotional and upset and called him over and over and over. I talked to his housemate too who said he’s probably sleeping because he saw him drunk at 6 pm. I was so pissed I sent him a million angry texts basically breaking up with him. I even talked to my dad about it and my dad said I should cut him out for standing me up like that. I talked to his housemate (who is my friend too) and said he’s been drinking a lot more than usual but he talks about how much he loves me all the time. The fact that he forgot to cancel our plans and didn’t take me into account angered me and hurt so much. Especially since I got sick (which is what he gave me). The next day he told me he was sorry and that he was planning on taking a nap and then waking up and coming over but that he just crashed and passed out for the night. I was just pissed because this has happened a few times. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again. I was pissed. We could be friends, but then he calls me and I tell him I’m sick and he says he’s gonna come over and take care of me. And i was feeling so bad and burning up I agreed. He came and bought me food and groceries and helped me because I was so weak yesterday and slept over. I felt so loved and he left this morning and said he’ll come over tonight after work, but I just feel confused. I feel embarassed that I would go back to him right away but I believe he loves me. At the same time, I’m still mad he stood me up the other night. What do you ladies think about the situation? How I should proceed?

    I’m thinking of seeing other guys too (as friends) There is a really sexy rich bar owner who has been asking me out who i met a few weekends ago. Except he’s 40 and I’m 22…I would only want to go on dinner dates/coffee dates. I wouldn’t want to kiss or anything….So it wouldn’t be cheating right?

  250.  #250Zia on July 2, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    141 Heart: I got the Deliberate Creation Instant Self-Hypnosis Program which seems to be a smaller version than some of his other packages… I came across it via an email I received that had an interview with him about it. I’m quite open to these sorts of things and it’s weird that I’ve not thought about using something like this before. But at the same time…. I kind of feel that everything I’m coming across at the moment is all being presented to me in the right order.

  251.  #251Zia on July 2, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Elise 210: Firstly I just want to say,”YAY!” for you!! I echo everyone else here and say just keep going on these dates and enjoying yourself. Secondly, what you said about “the story”? It’s EXACTLY one of the things that kept me from moving on from my ex!!!! So much of what you post and how you feel reminds me of my inner turmoil in past relationships.

  252.  #252Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    @Zia – how did you let go of the “story”??

    I had such a wonderful time with CollegeCD today – seriously that hour and a half was wonderful. It felt great that he really had a horrible day at work, and wanted to do it tomorrow, but when I said I couldnt, he made SURE he could see me. And it was so sweet that he texted me the entire time he was walking and apologized for being 15 minutes late. It was so fun and sweet.

    I guess that would be a good story huh? We knew each other 20 years ago and 20 years later, we end up together. Thats a pretty good story.

    But man, its hard for me to give up the dream and the story of GS. I just am SO disappointed that we had this huge talk for 4 hours on Friday, and he said he wasnt going to push pause and be there for me at least at work. In the last 4 days, I’ve gotten 4 minutes of his time. Unbelievable. I’m so surprised. This man has NEVER lied to me. And now he has. I’m just devastated by that.

    But I keep thinking that CollegeCD was so fun today. So much fun. I really did have so much fun.

    OK – girls, I”m totally new and out of the loop on this.

    Whats a “normal” period of time that goes by before he should call or text me? What are the rules nowdays? LOL!? I’m totally out of it. haha!!!!

  253.  #253Zia on July 2, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Elise – hmmm. it’s something i’ve been working on. i would also get too caught up in the story of how we met, and i would also even go so far as to think of “when we get married this is the story we’ll have” etc etc etc. i have been doing a lot of mindfulness practice, and really working hard to be present. and that has helped a LOT. appreciating the NOW, instead of the “what was” or “what could be”. it is also about getting out of our head (where the story lives) and into our bodies, our feelings, the now.

    it has been a slow process and a lot of what i have been doing to help me love ME has also helped with that. rori’s programs is where i started, but i have been doing a lot of other reading, learning, practice, processes and programs since i first discovered hers.

  254.  #254Zia on July 2, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Elise also….. something I realised with my ex was that I didn’t listen to him when he spoke his truth. He told me he was insecure. He told me he wasn’t best for me. He also told me he loved me and other things. I chose to overlook the things he was saying about why he couldn’t be with me, and instead focused on what *I* wanted to hear. But he told me what I needed to know. And I feel like you’re in a similar boat – GS has told you his truth… you just don’t want to believe it, because you are thinking so much about the “what was” and the “what could be”. I did exactly the same…

  255.  #255seahorse on July 2, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Worthiness, anger, stories we tell ourselves……………………….. trifecta trigger. oh goodness into I go again. Another layer…..

  256.  #256Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    @Zia – yes, I have also thought of that if I”m being honest – “When we get married…..this will be our story….”

    I also am not listening to his truth. He has told me he isnt good at realtionships because he doesnt need as much emotional time and connection as others do. H has a very strong need for individual and alone time. He has also said he is not sure if he wants to actually be married, even though he can see a life in a home together with me.

    I also focus on what I want to hear. That is very very true. He told me he wanted to push pause. I sort of talked and talked, but at the end of the day his actions speak louder than his words on Friday.

    I agree fully. Letting go of the “story” is very very hard.

    I’m also very very proud that I was with him. If we do break this off, then no one in the office will know how much I meant to him and how much he meant to me. It seems like I loved the idea of people knowing that we were together as well, that he would be proud to be with me, and I would be proud to be with him.

  257.  #257seahorse on July 2, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Elsie- You matter. I matter. We all matter. I kept telling myself that. The guy I had an affair with, thats what I told him, no anger, actually nicely and with a bit of excitement, I matter. And we do:) From now on I shall call him XXcd. For the Dos Equis commercial, He is close to that guy. I felt a spurt of love for him and hope he is well………. that felt nice.

  258.  #258Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    I feel sick

    I feel sad

    I feel @ Sophie hit the nail on the head…

    I feel this to a point is real for me, but with “M” I do deserve better treatment… I do deserve to have it all about ME sometimes…

    so here is the long story..

    “M” and I have had several long talks lately… and me trying to understand him… why he says he will do something and then not ….. with the weekend trip… and 6mos…

    I was trying to understand him…what might be going on with him… so he calls me today and said he had one planned…again though it is within his geographical attractiveness area….

    I got excited and then he cut me off… I noticed he wasn’t really that into it… ok… but I just can’t shake this feeling he isn’t being honest with me…I know Rori says choose trust… but what do you do if you just can’t shake the feeling of something not being right… how do I trust me first… ?

    He goes so far with intimacy and then he backs way way off, not physically so much as just emotionally…. and I’ve just been waiting to see if it gets better with the tools… but it really has gotten worse… yes,he does come forward when I pen up and lean back.. but not far enough forward…

    I have this sick feeling I need to break it off.. I have this sick feeling it is always going to be him “being in control” and him having to only do things that He likes and what he wants…

    He said the other night… you wouldn’t want me to do something I don’t want to do… but the whole restaurant thing… and then him just right out telling me what to do on 4th of July.

    I’ve had this urge to get back out on the dating scene and usually that is a sign… something pulling me forward…

    I’ve also had this strong feeling to get back to my life fully, and not be giving him so much time… b/c I’m so behind on things…

    I think the biggest thing that hits me with “M” is what Rori says about the right man will and I can’t remember her exact words….. want to please you… “M” is more focused on Tit for Tat… and making sure that whatever he does, he has to like it just as much or he won’t do it for just for me…

    I know he has been so hurt… but wounded men can be toxic…. ??

    I feel sick!! that I’m so broke I can’t do this work in its entirety… and really get into it… that sucks! But I trust that what I need will come to me… in some way…

    I want to vomit! just vomit! This sucks!

    I thought he was the one… how could I have been so wrong… all the others I wanted to be the one but knew they were not…

    then again about 2 months ago I had this tearful realization with him, it wasn’t going to work…he said is that feeling always right, I said yes… it has 100% always been right… damn! sometimes I just don’t want to be right!!!

    sick at my stomach.. ugggg

  259.  #259Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    well, this feels very intriguing. I have been feeling at a crossroads in my business … and part of me wanted to get a lot more “active” in drumming up business, but my heart was not in it. I have not been feeling like pushing so hard … and of course my ego doubter mind is like “Erika, where is the money going to come from then?”

    Then two different women just reached out to me today to ask about coaching sessions … I wonder what would happen if I went into full on “feminine energy” in my business. It’s already a very feminine energy business in the sense that I make no sales calls and rarely attempt to persuade anyone to sign up …

  260.  #260Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Lisa, weird, I was feeling like vomiting a little while ago too ..

  261.  #261Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    @seahorse – I have actually told him that. That no matter what, what we had was real. It matters. Thats funny that you say that. No matter what, if he cant be what I need, I will never call him names or horrible things. I love this man. I love what he did for me. He held out his hand and helped me out of a dark dark place that I AM ALMOST positive I could not have gotten out of myself. I will never disparage that. Not ever.

    @Lisa – I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like we are in a similar place. I believe that loving someone means putting their needs as a priority, maybe not every second, but enough of the time that they dont need to question it. I’m sorry you feel sick. I get it, and I feel sick too, so I understand. Do you think you just need to have the girlfriend speech with him?

  262.  #262CurvySiren10 on July 2, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Lisa- 256. “I know Rori says choose trust… but what do you do if you just can’t shake the feeling of something not being right… how do I trust me first… ?”

    I just wanted to say that I have had this experience and yes, it’s always great to choose trust when you don’t have all the fact. Always great to give a man you love the benefit of the doubt…but I implicitly trust that little voice inside of me when it’s screaming. I can honestly say I’m never wrong when I “just can’t shake the feeling” that something isn’t right. I would sincerely listen to that voice and be honest about what it’s telling you. It may end up being that you DO trust, but it may not. Trust your instincts while also being open to whatever comes your way. That’s my 2 cents.

  263.  #263Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    @ Elsie

    I do need to and the big bummer is… I had my chance this past weekend when he said what he said… and I screwed it up.. ( not beating myself up for screwing up, just noting that I could have and didn’t) I was afraid of making a mistake..so I chose fear…

    but also what I noticed is that he didn’t say the things I would assume a man would say…

    He later said this relationship is going to make it I know… and then talked about our 10 year anniversary.. but I’m old enough that I dont’ fall for that penny anny talk… I need the big guns.. show me that you mean it… don’t just talk the talk…

    I think that I need to have the girlfriend talk b/c I’m not sure about him, and I need to date other men for me… not to bring him to propose.. I need space and lots of other men so I can make my decision… then what do I do about sex… still stay exclusive with him? I don’t know…

    @CurvySiren10 yes, I agree that nagging feeling has to be heard… and tended too..

    I don’t have all the facts… but how do I get them without being sneaky, use my feelings messages to say. I feel weird about your trip to Florida.. I feel unsure and I don’t like to feel that way, what do you think…. and see what he says? He is being evasive….for sure…


  264.  #264Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    @CurvySiren – I would totally agree. Until you know all the facts in a particular cirucmstance, then you should trust. But if its a “feeling” you have that surrounds the realtionship or where its going or how its going….well, that little voice is important to listen to. Sometimes its just a negative voice, but other times…….its really telling you the truth.

  265.  #265CurvySiren10 on July 2, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    @ Lisa, yes- you have to ask in my opinion. of course I am probably projecting to an extent because I was in this boat and I didn’t ask and I regret it to this day. I learned that lesson. When my instincts scream at me, I will ask…in the most siren-y way I can….but I will ask. Maybe that’s not what others would recommend, but I like how you wrote it in feeling messages. I know I would probably just be myself and say that I feel uncomfortable and tell him why. I’m sorry about all of this uncertainty and the rollercoaster you have been on. I will say I was there a couple of years ago and it all worked out, but there were some VERY tough times along the way. Hugs!!!

  266.  #266CurvySiren10 on July 2, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    262 @Elsie- yes!! I agree with you. I have learned that there is a big difference between NV’s and instinct. It takes a lot of self-awareness and experience to distinguish between the two, but it’s a very valuable tool for me personally. i have learned (the hard way) to LISTEN to my instincts, they just don’t fail me. I have also learned NOT to listen to the sabotaging NVs. Very different.

    As I said to Lisa, my situation worked out but I learned SO much about myself on that journey. And as an aside, I relate to your story in many ways since my relationship also started before I was officially divorced; albeit I was emotionally divorce for YEARS at that point.

  267.  #267Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    @Lisa – Why dont you have the talk with him, and then just say “I’m feeling confused at this point as to whether or not I should stay sexually exclusive with you, what do you think?”

  268.  #268Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    @Curvy Siren – I’m glad you understand. I’ve been “emotionally divorced” for probably 6 or 7 years….

  269.  #269Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:37 pm


    yes that would work but I don’t like having sex with more than one man…not b/c I can’t be poly but I just don’t want to worry about disease… and I can’t use condoms… ugg..

    But I am thinking about just not having sex with him for awhile that feels good to me…

    I’m thinking about saying I’m feeling confused about us, and I’m not feeling sure about staying committed now….. what do you think?

    how does that sound?


  270.  #270Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    RE 265 Oh no. Why put your power in his hand? Who is staring in your life story?
    Allow him to decide what you do with your body?


  271.  #271Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    @Lisa – I see. Well, if it feels good for YOU to not have sex iwth him now, then I would say that is what you need to tell him. 🙂

  272.  #272Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Help help! 🙂 In a good way…HELP!!!

    CollegeCD just texted me!!!! He said “Thanks again for going to lunch today. It was really great to see you again Elsie.”

    Ahh!!!!! What do I text back!?!?!!

    I’m so new at the texting thing – help! 🙂

  273.  #273Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    I’m feeling really angry… very angry…

    I’m feeling angry that this is taking up so much of my time and energy! I’m feeling sick about it.. lost time with my children, myself, exercise… sleep… work… it shouldnt’ be this hard..

    I love all you! and I love being on this forum with all of you… and I could easily stay on more…

    BUT, I need to make money, I need to get caught up, and I need to not be so d&^% focused on this relationship so I can be more present with my child… UGGG.. I hate that my mind is so entangled in this.. though better than it was…

    I want to break free of this time sucking, emotion sucking bubble…

    I’m noticing that I’m not wanting to feel the pain, so I’m acting like everything is ok with him and me… just noticing… I sucked up the pain and tears… b/c of anger at my lost time..and work…and I don’t want to feel sick any longer…


    @Sophie I hope my earlier e-mail wasn't triggering… I was so emotional… prob. wasn't a good time to respond…

  274.  #274Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:51 pm


    “It feels great to hear from you. I had a fantastic time.”

    I dont know is that cheesy?

    I want to say, I cant wait until I see you again, or something to let him know I want to see him again.

  275.  #275Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:53 pm


    I’m so happy for you! Go girl…

    Idon’t know what Rori would say… so i’m on a limb here… but when they did that before “M”. I would just smile really big and beam love… I didn’t text them back.. I waited until they called and ask me out again… which if they had a good time, they will… 🙂 enjoy the feeling… {[hugs}}

  276.  #276Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    @ Elsie No that isn’t cheesy at all… 🙂

  277.  #277Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    I feel vulnerable saying this………I feel like I have to listen to my heart. I don’t know how to say this, it is like I feel panicy about sex. I want to feel free and open and relaxed and I feel that I can only do that in a …………………….relationship. I feel my heart needs a bit more time to feel safe and trusting. I don’t know how to solve this but know there is a solution. Can you help me with this?

    This is a bit of a rephrase from a Mel comment. I th

  278.  #278Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    No I really FEEL like I want to text him back.

    But sometimes I think using the word “feel” is cheesy, so I just need to make sure I’m using it the way it feels authentic to me.

    I want to include something about I cant wait to see him again, but is that leaning forward?

  279.  #279Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    @femininewoman your super at scripting…I do like that….


  280.  #280Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Elsie – Me too 🙂 would do

    Mirror him n

  281.  #281Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Lisa – Mel is super a scripting. That is one of hers I saved

  282.  #282Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    @FW – I think your message to me cut off –

    Mirror him? So I should not say anything about I’m looking forward to seeing him again?

  283.  #283Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    “I cant wait to see him” is a dead anxious give away. Also that you have nothing else going on in your life.

  284.  #284Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    He got the gift of your presence. You are the target.

  285.  #285Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    RE 279 I wouldn’t.

  286.  #286Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    @FW – got it. Lesson learned.

    how about this:

    “It feels nice to hear from you tonight. I really had a wonderful time. It was really great to see you too ;)”

    Is the first sentence leaning forward too much? I’m so new at all this? Ugh. LOL

  287.  #287Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    I meant to say mirror him, don’t outshine him. Match his exuberance and allow him to have the last word. I believe “Me too :)” is fine.

    Or “it felt really nostalgic to catch up”

  288.  #288Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Did the meetup make you feel young again?

  289.  #289Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    @femininewoman…. well thanks for posting… <3

    @Mel Thanks for scripting

    I feel sad… I feel sad that I can't reach down inside me and find the answer…I want to know the answer…

    I wish that I had the complete knowing Rori had with her Now husband when she met him.. I guess I thought I did… but not feeling that sure now…

    I don't like all this messy stuff, b/c I don't like being so behind… I don't mind it – If I had help at getting this all done… but ugg…

    I want a relationship that is easier, more flowing and more reciproctive in that it is about giving freely to each other with out keeping tabs and knowing that the other will give as much or more… knowing that… he loves me that much… that even going out of his comfort zone is worth it…

    "M" needs to be in control to feel safe… that makes me feel uncomfortable….. I don't like living in fear… I gave up my power to feel safe… when he doesn't feel safe… just writing what is flowing out.. of me… now…

    What is next for me… who is next for me… I don't feel sick now….


  290.  #290Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Also did he text after 10:00 pm?

    That is a boundary for me.

  291.  #291Femininewoman on July 2, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    “M” needs to be in control to feel safe – Every man likes to feel like he is in control of his environment is what I believe. Don’t we like to feel that way too?

  292.  #292Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    @FW – He texted before 10pm. 🙂 Its taken me too long to respond LOL!!!!

    I wrote:

    “It felt great to see you too. I really had a wonderful time. :)”

    Whew. It took me 25 minutes to craft that. Hopefully this gets easier. LOL.

  293.  #293Heart on July 2, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    Elsie – So happy for you!!

    Can you catch yourself now? Can you see how your trying o make something happen (that is a second date). Press the pause button in your mind….Go Kiss a tree. Go look at something beautiful & inspiring Right now.
    Then respond to him later.

  294.  #294Heart on July 2, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Now reading that….Yay …Glad you wrote what you did Elsie!

  295.  #295Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    LOL. You guys are great.

    He already texted me back saying that I looked cute holding my skirt so that the wind wouldnt blow it up (I had a marilyn moment earlier LOL!)

    So I texted him back and said

    “Well, thank you *blush* I didnt know you were watching me. I was trying to avoid another Marilyn moment!”

    The real point is…

    GS who????

  296.  #296Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    @ Elsie

    You go girl! GS who! Love it….

    I’m feeling it too… get back on the horse…and ride into the sunset…

    @Sophie inspired me with the BS thing today…


  297.  #297Elsie on July 2, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    I”m learning.

    He just texted me back and he is being so funny.

    I have to cut it off because I do need to go to bed in a few minutes, but wow, I really didnt expect to hear from him tonight.

    I feel so feminine and girly and young and …

    What a difference a day can make, right?

  298.  #298Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    @ Elsie
    so sweet! enjoy! it does feel good to be girly!


  299.  #299janie baby on July 2, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    hey loves, i would really appreciate some advice on my post 247. i understand it’s long so just anyone who is bored or in the mood for giving advice, i would appreciate it.

    i feel confused.

    also, i’ve been following your situation Elsie and this new guy sounds great 🙂 keep it up!

  300.  #300Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I want to know why I attract controlling men… is it because I control…though I’ve looked at that… I think if I do, I do it very little as I mostly allow people to do what the wish…

    or it is b/c I was raised by a controlling mother and father, that I just attract it b/c it feels comfortable… not sure…

    I need to sleep and the sadness is back… ugg..

    I want to cry… I don’t want to go through another break up… when will it ever stop.. the broken hearts…..


  301.  #301Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Hmmm, after the initial amusement wore off, I’ve come up again on the same feeling of futility that I’ve had with dating for the past four years. As in, this is not what I’m meant to be doing … my heart just is not in it …

  302.  #302Veronica on July 2, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Indigo – 216 – Thank you: ) I’m planning to go on a road trip with my sister once I get most of the stuff I need to do done – I’m definitely a person who needs nature. I enjoyed reading about your interaction with your horse – actually it’s a relief. I’m afraid of horses and I was told that I had to be in charge and I just couldn’t do that – not out of choice, just not that capable. I much prefer the ‘conversation’ approach – I make space for you, you make space for me.

    Femininewoman – 174 – I feel the sincerity with which you wrote your response and also quietly amazed at how much you have in you – it’s like the gates opened and all this came rushing out.

    Erika Awakening – I feel emboldened by what you’ve written. I tried to discuss with BM when we first started dating on how we should be with each other – he didn’t see the need for it. I felt frustrated when that happened.

  303.  #303Veronica on July 2, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Not do I still stand by what I did I’m starting to feel a certain sense of self-power. I also don’t care if he gets angry about what I did, never speaks to me again. I’m proud of my No – it says ‘I choose not to do this’. I’m also starting to see the BS that men sometimes feed people – I don’t want a lazy lover. Oo that feels strong. I will feel and process things at a rate that I can handle not at a rate that makes you feel less uncomfortable and less guilty – do your own absolution work! Okay I wrote that! Me feeling my feelings is not an attempt on my part to make you feel guilt, shame, suffering etc. I can still have love for you and choose not to be with you because it isn’t good for me – I can actually say that now and know that I can do this. Also I still got very triggered yesterday and something different happened – now I can sense myself saying stop – what’s going on here, with me, what is this doing in me? I choose not to have my life being evaluated by other people dominate me that much. Before, standing for myself would feel like me throwing a tantrum, being picky, being unruly, feel exhausting (I really had to fight!) – now it’s feels like that’s how it should be and I don’t have to fight so hard – there are other ways.

  304.  #304Zia on July 2, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    I read so much about women here who lean back then suddenly all these men come into their life….. and wonder why this doesn’t happen to me? Am I not seeing them?

  305.  #305Millie on July 2, 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Zia I was wondering that today too. I feel sad and angry tonight. Men come into my life, but it seems to be wrong ones. I know there are a lot of great men for me out there, but I’m still sitting alone. i feel frustrated because I want to be around people, around men…and I feel like I can’t reach out anymore, so I’m just here. With the blog. wondering when I will actually have a love life.

  306.  #306Zia on July 2, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Millie – I am trying to be open with the men I meet… but I’ve had zero connection with ALL of the guys I’ve been on dates with. I’ve just practised the tools, and thought about what lessons they are showing me but…. I don’t think in my entire life I’ve had a man chase me who I’ve been interested in. Not once. My boy’s dad did briefly just after we found out I was pregnant (he’d just left me the first time for his ex), then he left me again for his ex and they got married.

  307.  #307Zia on July 2, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    I wonder what else it is I need to work through within myself to start attracting men who I am attracted to…

  308.  #308Zia on July 2, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    I’m also reading “get the guy” which has some really awesome info on ways to communicate with men on a day to day basis. really enjoying it. maybe once i start putting some of those tools into practice i’ll start opening my eyes more to who’s out there!

  309.  #309Lisa on July 2, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    I can’t sleep… the mind is just going, one minute I’m almost asleep and the other anxiety..

    I want to vomit again… I wish I just would… get it all out…this pain… if I could vomit it out, I would…

    why do I attract passive aggressive men… dam wish I knew… oh when I was almost asleep I hear what do they do to you…. I said punish me covertly… ah… I need to be punished… Rori wrote about accident prone women who think they shouldn’t want.. and deserve to be punished… could that be it…I bet it is….

    I’m wanting to sob…so deeply, I’ve been on this emotional roller coaster for 20 years now… healing… I’m so tired of not sleeping, not feeling loved.. I NEED TO FEEEL LOVEd I hear in my head while in bed, I want to sob..

    I need to hold on to what Love I have.. b/c I’m so scared more won’t come… I’ll lose what love I have… my dad didn’t love me…he owned me… my mother taught me love meant sacrifice…and I got love when I was sick…not when I wasn’t .. so I was sick a lot as a child… I was Cinderella for real.. cleaning up and cooking, taking care of everyone in the family. I wasn’t allowed to take music lessons, dance, or have a pretty dress for the prom… I had to settle for second best.. last of the bottom of the barrel…

    I attract wounded men… b/c I’m wounded? I deserve to be punished …. I’m less than a human my dad taught me… not worth much… I was tossed aside as if nothing I ever wanted or needed mattered… I had to give everyone else their way… I attract selfish men b/c of that.. I don’t feel comfortable with men that adore me… and I don’t feel comfortable with men that punish me either… I’d rather have love and adoration… and feel uncomfortable than to feel punished and hurt… wanting, waiting for the crumbs…

    I feel sick.. really sick… I don’t want to lose the love I get from “M” …. though I know it is hurting me to feel controlled… and how do I know that I can’t have more love from a man…

    I want to be loved without punishment or control… I want to be worth the effort … at least as much as I give…

    My whole life I’ve struggled to even feel up to everyone else’s level… I felt worthless… and undeserving… I don’t feel that way anymore…. but I still attract it… men that only want to give me a little and the receive a lot…

    men that need me to beef up their self esteem… who then take me for granite… I tell “M” how wonderful he is… he doesn’t tell me…

    Oh how I wish this pain would go away,and I could get relief from this awful feeling I’ve carried around for 50 years…

    sick, sick.. anxiety… I need sleep but it isn’t coming … I’ve been sleepless for 20 years… like sleepless in Seattle… barely getting sleep hanging on every day… I know it is my self worth… will it ever come to me peace? It comes in small crumbs… Love? a whole cake? I don’t want crumbs… I want a 2 night weekend… I deserve it.. I do! I’m a loving and giving person… I help and I listen and I support my family and friends… I deserve to have a whole weekend.. I deserve to be told how wonderful and amazing I am, not just how beautiful and sexy I am…

    I love my children… I want them to see me loved by a man… I want to give them that gift of seeing me loved in a healthy way by a man…I want to give that to me, and little Lisa…she deserves it more than anyone! She was such a loving, giving child.. always wanting to help and give – she didn’t ask for anything in return… I want to love me more… feel whole!

  310.  #310Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Awwww, Lisa, it’s going to be okay. “And God Himself shall wipe away all tears …” It really is going to be okay.

    Thank you Veronica.

  311.  #311Erika Awakening on July 2, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    “Today we will claim the miracles which are your right, since they belong to you. You have been promised full release from the world you made. You have been assured that the Kingdom of God is within you, and can never be lost. We ask no more than what belongs to us in truth. Today, however, we will also make sure that we will not content ourselves with less.” – A Course in Miracles

  312.  #312Liquid Light on July 3, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Lisa, don’t beat yourself up. Looking back on my previous relationship, I realize that there was a huge red flag that went up early on. But I couldn’t recognize it and I think there’s a reason for that. I needed to experience being in relationship with this man, and he gave me a lot – dinners, trips, lots of fun times. But at his core, there was a controlling, insecure man so it wasn’t meant to be. At my core, I wasn’t happy because I was always on edge – tense and anxious on some level that I wasn’t fully aware of at the time. However, I’m really glad I got to experience such an extraordinary relationship with a man who was so giving and generous. If I had been more aware I never would have experienced that. So maybe theres a reason that you are going through this? Maybe there is some golden nugget that you need to learn about yourself that this relationship is teaching you? I dunno, just a thought, but please don’t beat yourself up so much. I went through that too and it sucked but I came out the other end and now I realize that the relationship was meant to be and it was a gift, and its ending was also a gift.

  313.  #313Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Elsie m, something that feels important to me an your threads is the anxiety issue. A lot of us have equated that feeling with love and we then have it muddled. so when we feel anxious off balance
    piney we think it is love. It isn’t it is anxiety. Love feels calm, comfortable peaceful.

  314.  #314prplpsn28 on July 3, 2013 at 12:38 am

    Now I’m back to not being sure. Feel like something is not quite right. We are supposed to TRUST. How DO we know when we shouldn’t? Is there anyway to tell?

  315.  #315Elsie on July 3, 2013 at 1:53 am

    @Janie baby – you are young so I think you should do what you need to do to be happy and have no regrets. This man did stand you up, but is that a regular occurance or a one time thing? Is it a pattern? Perhaps you can have a conversation with him about all of it?

    @Lisa – Your post completely gutted me. I felt every word as if I could have written it myself. I literally felt it to my bones and my toes. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know people on here will say oh…you need to find a way to love yourself, but I know that pining that longing that craving for another person to just love you – and think what is wrong with me that no man just will love me and take care of me because I’m TIRED, and I just want to collapse into the love of someone else. Ihear you, and you have my hugest hugs right now…..

    I will say, I am not down with the Byron Katie’s the Work where she says, If he is controlling look to where you are controlling. I dont buy into it. But I do think if you grew up with controlling parents then that is what is comfortable to you. I know that I grew up where the mom was totally dominant to the point of emotional abuse. I created a marriage in which I was the provider, etc. It will BE VERY hard for me not to row a boat because that is what I learned was love, and what was taught to me.

    I dont have any other words except that some people have different paths to follow – some are harder than others. I will tell you what helps me, is that when I get really really really upset, I always think of my children, and that they are healthy, and so I can endure all of this because things could be so much worse.

    I’m so sorry you are having a rough night. Can you do anything ANYTHING that would make yourself feel better?

  316.  #316Elsie on July 3, 2013 at 1:55 am

    @Prplprsn: Why are you back there again? I know I kept going back to the level of anxiety because I didnt trust, but it was because obviously I had a REASON not to trust? What happened to make you start not trusting?

  317.  #317Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 2:03 am

    Lisa try to find a way to self soothe. In the presence of love, anything unlike itself comes up to be healed. Maybe the reason all this is coming up? You are loving yourself more.

  318.  #318Sweetie on July 3, 2013 at 2:30 am

    Would anyone here contact an ex to say how they miss him? Ive been waking up for the past few weeks missing my ex that contacts me still. Ive been keeoing busy, enjoying life, but when i stop or come home, i miss him and want him here. I just dont know if i should say it. Do i have an expectation? Yes but also no. I know these words wsnt change anything but i want him to know. Why?
    Cuz i want the feelings out and ive
    already told others and i still miss him. So
    i wanted to send this: “I woke up this morning and I missed you. Heart hurting missed you. I’m keeping busy, enjoying life. But when I come home or wake up, I still wish you there. I understand the reasons for this break up and I know you were right but I still miss you. ”

    Maybe i shouldnt, what do you ladies think?

  319.  #319sophie on July 3, 2013 at 2:55 am

    314 and Lisa

    Yes – I like what FW says I also live by that that love brings up anything unlike itself for healing and often we just can’t see the healing that is being done we just feel like we’re being hit by the waves but the waves do get less fierce with time I have to believe that and it gets easier to ride them

    Lisa – I noticed I was feeling guilty for my comments being a trigger for you – this is a big one for me with my men stuff – I feel responsible for others feelings so I choose men who ‘protect themselves’ so I don’t have to feel guilt or fear but at the same time I make their feelings more important than mine. I seem to have learned that the feelings of others are more important than mine. I’d like to stand on top of a mountain and shout “My feelings are important!!!!!” – it would feel nice to hear it echoed back to me 🙂

    Someone commented earlier about dates that are easy and effortless – mmmmm I like to sink into that – how lovely would it feel for a man/relationship to be easy and effortless…i’m going to continue to try less efforting more letting go

    less efforting looks like:

    not being so concerned with someone elses feelings
    not worrying about outcomes
    finding the things i love and doing them
    not obsessing/overanalysing/justifying
    more BEING

  320.  #320ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:00 am

    I needed to read that

  321.  #321sophie on July 3, 2013 at 3:00 am

    315 – hi Sweetie – i sent messages occasionally like that to my ex – it was part of my process…I had to be prepared for the consequences though…sometimes it felt soothing and cathartic…sometimes it sent us or me into a spin that felt painful…either way it was part of my process of letting go

  322.  #322ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:02 am

    Sweetie, as long as you dont have an expectation of getting him back-then say it

  323.  #323sophie on July 3, 2013 at 3:05 am

    309 – LL – I love what you have written about the golden nugget and the gift – it feels comforting to look for the positives in our situations. there is always a gift even when its painfully wrappped 🙂

  324.  #324ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:06 am

    And hugs to you Lisa

    Those early morning hours when you cant sleep magnify everything

    And it is hard to realise, to accept even, that we have to make our own love and happiness, but we do
    I wish I too could lay down my burden and give it to someone else to take care of for a while

    I wish it worked like that


  325.  #325sophie on July 3, 2013 at 3:09 am

    Hi Ruth! Feel happy if it helped 🙂 I just realised less efforting also means less beating myself up – I’m sat here with a whole long list of i should be doing this i should be doing, what about this, what about that, and the tension is rising – wish I knew how to go easier on myself, go with the flow, and still get things done 🙂

  326.  #326ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:23 am

    It feels fun to read about yor date Elsie

    Oh gosh, so much to catch up on here
    So many golden nuggets
    Every time I com on her and read back I feel better
    just for reading all your processes and gleaning ideas

    feeling a bit overwhelmed actually

  327.  #327Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 3:29 am

    @Erikaawakening Thanks! God has given me a lot on my plate at times… I do seem to pull through….. though I wish my time for settling down would come though… I’m tired… 🙂

    @LiquidLight Aww thanks! <3 Yes, I've been through many of those relationships…where I needed to learn, love and move on… I do understand… really though 20 years is a long long time to be single… I was hoping really hoping this one would stick… I'm 50 and I really wonder when it will happen for me… I've worked sooooo hard on myself…

    I was really just venting not beating myself up and just typing and going with what my feelings where …. I know I'm worthy… yes, and yet some part of me must not… still working on that…

    Thanks so much to you both! OXOXOX

  328.  #328ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:36 am

    *should* is like a club we use to beat ourselves and others with

  329.  #329Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 3:36 am

    @ Elsie

    I was able to get a few hours of sleep finally… Thanks!

    I do hear you… I’m TIRED too… many years of looking inside of me to heal…years of enduring and years of just making it through for my kids… and yes, I’m so grateful they are healthy…and happy!

    thanks Elsie! I do just want to have a break! from working so hard, from being in and out of relationships, from broken hearts…

    Much Love to you Elsie! {{hugs}}

  330.  #330April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 3:43 am

    Hi Lisa,

    I posted a little (nervously) about taken in hand in my comment no.3

    In my fantasy, it’s about a man being strong enough to deal with my strong nature, in any way he sees fit – for example, a playful but firm spanking would show me that he cared and wasn’t indifferent.

    It’s a response to my frustration with WM withdrawing when he feels affronted by me. Believe me, I WORK Rori’s tools, and still I make mistakes. I witness him pulling back all the time.

    I see WM as a man with resentment, and anger towards women. If I offered him more power in the relationship, I’m hoping he could release some of his frustration, and that it would be fun and a turn-on for us both.

    Then again, I feel pissed off that it’s MY idea, and I am finding ways to improve the relationship, when what I want is HIS initiative.


  331.  #331sophie on July 3, 2013 at 3:43 am

    326 – ah lisa i know exactly how you feel x i can go from feeling optimism to despair not necessarily over a man but with life in general when it feels like i try so hard and still feel like my goals are out of reach or snatched away or i feel disappointed – that’s what i mean by the waves it feels exhausting when they come over and over

    Sometimes i wonder if i wouldn’t feel so exhausted if i just stopped trying…like i was wondering earlier…stop efforting…i wonder how peaceful that would feel…

  332.  #332ruth on July 3, 2013 at 3:48 am

    Stop trying?
    let go?

    Ohh dear me no.I cant be doing with that
    it would be like losing control——-;)
    Ah, thats the point though isnt it

    Maybe healing can just “happen” without us having to work so hard

    Now thats a nice thought

  333.  #333April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 3:51 am

    from Rori’s e-letter
    “Often, this kind of withdrawal has to do with anger, and many, many men simply cannot deal with – or even get in touch with – their anger; and so it backfires on them into depression and withdrawal.”

    What if men could let out their anger in a healthy, sexy way?

    I think many men (and women) are repressed by EQUALITY!!!!

    I learned from Rori that being different polarities (feminine energy vs masculine energy) is what RAMPS UP attraction.

    Equality doesn’t ramp up attraction. Or, should I say that society’s IDEA of equality is killing our relationships.

    Of course all humans should be equally valued. Equality of value, yes.
    Equality as in playing the same roles, no!

  334.  #334April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 3:56 am

    ‘losing control’ feels scarey to me, too.
    Yet a part of me longs to give it up. I do so wonder what it is like, to give up control to varying degrees, with a partner I deeply trust.

    Yeah, the working so hard… I’m with you on that. It’s not supposed to be about effort. There are times when I make joyful self-discovery, and that doesn’t feel like work, it feels sweet and exciting.

  335.  #335Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 4:04 am


    yes, I agree should’s are like a club…


  336.  #336ruth on July 3, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Now we ahvbe sorted that out I am “cured” and of course ecstatically happy
    ha ha ha:)

    Feeling really REALLY frustrated today
    Want to move on


    Hormones are not helping

  337.  #337April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:19 am

    Sorted what out?

    By the way, I said hi and wrote to you in 331

  338.  #338Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 4:24 am


    Oh dear…no don’t feel guilty… it was a good thing…it was a catalyst…

    Wow you and I sound the same… I’ll ponder on what you said… wish I could actually ask you to say more about that… that really feels right for me… “chosing men that protect themsleves so I don’t have to feel guilt”…humm how so? Wow… I make their feelings more important than mine…

    I too want to stand on a mountain top and shout it..

    I’ll echo it back to you! “Your feelings are important!” to me…they are!!

    I wasn’t upset at all by what you wrote, I was very opened by them…

    I’m wishing you those easy dates too…

    {{Hugs}} <3

  339.  #339April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:24 am


    I am jumping up and down with joy to read your description of the relationship you want
    “a man who is very excited to be with me, who adores me to the moon and back”

    Thank you. I will keep those words, because they describe beautifully what I have previously been unable to articulate.

  340.  #340April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:37 am

    I think I may have done damage early in my relationship by not restraining my masculine nature – shouting, competing with him, being bossy, criticising and so on.

    Since Rori and her tools, I’ved reined it in. And put my feminine nature on display much more.

    The damage isn’t healed, though. He remembers, and fears how I was. And winces and retreats any time my ‘old’ ways start to show.

    I don’t want to feel bad about being myself! I want a man who can handle me. in whatever way he desires. I want to feel the safety and sexiness of his authority. I love Rori’s tools. Yet sometimes I feel weird and that I’m masking myself with them.
    I’m not always a soft girly. I am a spirited and strong-willed woman, and I want a man who finds that sexy.

  341.  #341April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:49 am

    I just told a fib!
    He does let some anger out nowadays.
    He ‘stands up for himself’, as he puts it.

  342.  #342April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:51 am

    I wonder why I think of him as a mouse? Retreating when my lion roars…
    Hmmmm. I don’t want a mouse.

  343.  #343janie baby on July 3, 2013 at 4:51 am

    Elsie: it’s a new pattern. has happend a few times in the last month. i have a feeling i am manifesting it. i am so scared of it happening and it’s been happening. today he said “i’ll come over tonight after work.” i said “only if you want to..” he said “i want to!”

    tonight he texts me at 3:00 am saying “hes really tired and gonna go to bed but he’ll call me tomorrow”

    i called him pissed cause i thought he was coming over. he said he had no money for a cab and was really tired to skateboard to my house in the cold tonight… i said i understood but i was really angry because he flaked on me and didn’t cancel.

    we got in a huge fight cause he doesn’t understand the importance of following through for me. he could only hear me yelling at him … i don’t know how to carry on. he keeps saying he loves me and i can’t see it but his actions are telling me i’m not important to him.

    i want to see other men too because he’s hurting me. i feel so much pain from this situation. i feel so sad. i feel hopeless. i don’t know what to do. i don’t even want to see other men i just want to numb my feelings for him. im sad.


  344.  #344janie baby on July 3, 2013 at 4:54 am

    I can’t sleep. I woke up t 3 am and I can’t sleep. It’s been two hours… I’m sad. I want to move back home with my family.

  345.  #345April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 4:55 am

    I often feel like I’m chatting away to myself, on my own thread…
    It does help me to find clarity and a more peaceful feeling.

    And, it would feel fun if other sirens wanted to comment, or ask a question. I would feel thrilled to make a connection with you.

  346.  #346janie baby on July 3, 2013 at 4:58 am

    he texted me at end of our fighting saying he loved me good night we’d talk tomorrow.
    itexted this
    “i love you too. i just have to keep my distance until and if we get closer again. it hurts to be excited about seeing you. and feel vulnerable when i’m let down. it make me feel unsafe emotionally. i want to feel free and safe to feel my feelings but im terrified to keep being hurt and let down. little by little i’ll see in time if i can trust this relationship again.”

  347.  #347janie baby on July 3, 2013 at 5:00 am

    April Rose..
    337 resonate with me. i just want someone to lvoe me unconditionally for me… mistakes and all.. i like to think im speeding up the process by just letting it all out although i use and appreciate the tools.

  348.  #348ruth on July 3, 2013 at 5:03 am

    Hi April Rose
    I mean sorted out my Bl**dy life and head

    Taking too long for my liking

  349.  #349ruth on July 3, 2013 at 5:04 am

    April Rose

    Is he a feminine energy man do you think

  350.  #350April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:05 am

    janie baby,

    If I was a man and I said I’m coming to see you, and you said “only if you want to”, I would feel disrespected and annoyed. He’d made a decision to see you, and you questioned it.
    Questioning a man’s action and initiative, if he is a masculine energy man, will feel bad to him. He may not even consciously know that it feels bad, or why.

    In future I would try a different response. If he has made a decision to see you, I would answer him by letting him hear my good feelings about that. A masculine man loves to know that he has created good feelings in a woman.

  351.  #351April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:05 am

    And then he will be motivated to come to you, to create more good feelings in you…

  352.  #352sophie on July 3, 2013 at 5:08 am

    335: Lisa (((Hugs))) You can ask me what you like 🙂 I don’t have all the answers for myself though – I will shout back on a mountain to you too x thank you it feels nice to be supported x And your feelings ARE important x

    “chosing men that protect themsleves so I don’t have to feel guilt”…humm how so? Wow… I make their feelings more important than mine…”

    mmm I don’t know entirely I think there’s two things for me – one is fear that I won’t be able to love enough back – I don’t know I feel very confused about this but when I feel any kind of expectation or when I worry that I might not be able to give someone what they want or I might hurt their feelings I feel very panicky, and overwhelmed and like I can’t breathe – I don’t know if it’s a fear of intimacy or engulfment or what but I know that I understand it when my CD says to me that he pulls away from fear and that he is afraid of hurting my feelings – he is afraid of ‘Love’

    The other is choosing men that protect themselves because I feel very confused about what a ‘leader’ looks like – these men seem very powerful because they are doing all the leading; they are very strong with their boundaries (where perhaps I am not) the paradox is it becomes all about their needs and very little about mine…

    Also, as long as I’m wondering about whether this relationship can go somewhere I’m safely not able to fall in love/be truly intimate/let myself go (my last relationship which ended a year ago was hugely painful) – I wonder if actually I am self-protecting but I have unconsciously chosen a form where it looks like he is self-protecting

    I worry about his feelings eg with CD’ing etc and I accept his feelings of fear re. intimacy with me but in all of my being open to his vulnerabilities I am the one who is vulnerable – he says he has a box for me in his head – he asked me if I did too – I was like nooooooooo?!!!! ha ha ha I don’t seem to have any self protection at all

    so then I wonder why not? why do I not feel the need or know how to protect myself? I wonder (looking at my life) whether there is something self-sacrificial in my behaviour – that I am the barer of the pain…that that feels familiar to me…

    writing this now I don’t even want it to be about pain – why is my ‘love’ experience so bound with the idea of ‘pain?…

  353.  #353janie baby on July 3, 2013 at 5:09 am

    April Rose
    Okay but how do I deal with him flaking on me? i feel stuck because i’ve bee nwtih him for almost 3 years. i’ll think i’m at my breaking point and say i’m done but then he shows up at my house with soup while i’m sick and does the sweetest things. so i feel like weak like no boundaries. don’t know how to maintain them. i’m upset. do i just distance myself so i dont trust when he tells me he’ll do something?

  354.  #354Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 5:10 am

    Lisa – 256 – Choosing trust isn’t just about choosing to trust your man. It’s also hugely about choosing to trust yourself.


  355.  #355April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:14 am

    He has strong masculine and feminine sides.

    His masculine nature has been coming through more since I’ve been working with ‘respect the masculine’.

    Like I just wrote to janie baby; So many times I would question his decisions. I used to chisel away at his masculine confidence.

    I’m not saying I was fully consciously doing it. But by consciously respecting the masculine (something I never did with my Dad, whom I enjoyed defying) it seems to be turning things around.

    Sure he slips into feminine energy mode at times – cries, asks me for support, tells me he can’t cope – and I don’t attempt to rescue him like I would have done pre-Rori. I simply wait, or ask him what he would like me to do.

  356.  #356sophie on July 3, 2013 at 5:15 am

    337 Me too April Rose – I want a man who can handle me and with whom I can be myself and I’m a strong-willed and intensely emotional woman 🙂 I love that Marilyn Monroe quote where she says if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best – true that!

    I’ve found Rori’s tools so helpful though for being able to soften and communicate better and relax into leaning back – all things that have benefited me as a whole person

    I believe there will be a man who will love allll of me but he’s going to have to be pretty special 🙂 I am certainly not for the weak-hearted

  357.  #357ruth on July 3, 2013 at 5:19 am

    Sounds like you are doing great April Rose

  358.  #358sophie on July 3, 2013 at 5:20 am

    337 352 – it sounds like you’ve done lots to turn it around and its working so the past is not necessarily important now…i’m sure ive read that men live much more in the present moment and so its easier to get back to what attracted them in the first place…

  359.  #359ruth on July 3, 2013 at 5:21 am

    cant recall wher I rewad it but I ahve read that men DO put things in boxes bertween which there are no connections and that womens brains are a bit like a mass of interconnectin spaghetti

  360.  #360ruth on July 3, 2013 at 5:22 am

    Excuse typos, I am multi tasking very badly today

  361.  #361April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:23 am

    janie baby,

    You just gave a huge clue to yourself! Wow, I feel delighted
    “he shows up at my house with soup while i’m sick and does the sweetest things”

    Here to me is the key. He can come forward when you are vulnerable, when he can take care of you, when you are floored and incapable. When you are most receptive to him. When he has no fear of your judgement of him.

    Rori told me in Love Forever that the key is to have NO JUDGEMENT of him whatsoever.

    I have struggled and worked with this. What has helped me is that when I am stuck feeling judgemental, and blaming him in my head (as you are) to say it out, “I’m feeling judgemental right now. I don’t want to feel this way. It makes my head hurt. I want it to pass so I can enjoy myself with you.”

    Keep it ALL about you. Gosh, I think the hardest thing is to let go of blame. But boy, does it all feel easier when I can do that.

  362.  #362Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Zia – 304 – Maybe it’s who you are attracted to is what needs to be looked at. Instant attraction often does not work out in the long run. Instant attraction can easily be habit – wanting you can’t have or equating men who are wrong for you (attraction) with love.

    Attraction and love can grow over time, and this can be cultivated within you, allowing openness and curiosity instead of being lead by attraction or chemistry.

    This may not be so for you, yet it would be worth having a look inside yourself to see if some of this may apply.


  363.  #363Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 5:29 am

    Lisa – 306 – Beautiful processing here. Wonderful revelations and light bulbs going off all over the place. I feel really proud of you and inspired. Can you feel this for yourself? Once you gain the awareness which you have here, EVERYTHING can and will change.


  364.  #364Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 5:40 am

    April Rose – 337 “I’m not always a soft girly. I am a spirited and strong-willed woman, and I want a man who finds that sexy.”

    This IS part of being a feminine energy goddess woman. Women are full of all kinds of emotions, the full rainbow spectrum of color, and this would include fieriness.

    I don’t want you to rein any of this is. Maybe the mode of expression needs some redirection, and this can be worked on; the essence of your fire though is fine, awesome even.


  365.  #365sophie on July 3, 2013 at 5:42 am

    356 – yes! On the one hand I feel very envious that he is able to do that on the other hand that’s not what I want at all to be all boxed up in my brain – i want to be fully open and vulnerable but also strong… the desire to open more strongly is a much stronger impulse than to protect myself with boxes – i want to shed my barriers not build more

  366.  #366BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Yesterday I read that Tom Robbins wrote there are only two mantras – yum and yuck

    Today my mantra is YUM!
    Yum is so yum.
    Yum reminds me of basking in the glow of lovemaking, feeling held and hearing a deep voice in my hear
    “love love love. yum yum yum.”
    Yum feels like being in the Temple of Yum (my friends’ home)
    with amazing, beautiful people practicing puja
    Yum reminds me of being at my home in Seattle
    HeartGame…puppy cuddle piles anywhere you care to look
    of piles and piles of us chanting “ommmmm ommmm yummmmm”
    and the feeling of community, of feeling connected, of feeling joyful and exuberant
    Life-affirming feelings
    Yum feels like M and I, practicing heart-attunement, hand’s on each others hearts
    breathing in sync
    feeling the thrum of her heart under my hand
    the coolwarmth of her hand on my heart
    the bliss of being present,
    melting into each others’ eyes
    Yum is the feeling of a road trip to waterfalls
    double rainbows along the way
    Being so quiet with S who is driving
    asking, is this okay?
    her gasp of relief YES! I was just wondering that myself…is it okay to be quiet and not say anything I don’t feel like talking
    yes yum yum loving this
    just driving soaking up the feeling of being
    yum yum yum
    oh and I remember that night, that first night I invited DC to dinner
    20 people showed up
    a room full of massage therapists, healers organically shifting into pairs and triplets and quads of cuddling, massaging, eye-gazing, crying, holding
    yum yum yum
    this morning H came into my office and sang to me
    i LOVE being sung to!
    reminds me of B who wrote a song for me and would call me at night and sing me to sleep
    yum yum yum
    oh hell yes today let my mantra be

  367.  #367Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 5:44 am

    sophie – 349 – This is not so uncommon, associating love with pain. If this is what you knew as a child, this will likely be what you seek as an adult. It’s familiar, and there is comfort in the familiar as awful as it may feel. It’s what you know to be love.

    So yes you will be attracted to the familiar, yet each time this come up for you, it’s an opportunity to heal this. Awareness is key. And this you now have.


  368.  #368April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:50 am

    One of the side effects of me being a strong willed woman, is that I know what would please me, and what I want a man to do that would make me feel cherished.
    It is very possible that this overrides and disrespects his own way of showing it.

  369.  #369April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I’ve been writing about exactly that, today!
    “Maybe the mode of expression needs some redirection..”
    This is where I want the man to step in, to take action and regain the upper hand. I do not want to carry all the responsibility for redirecting myself.
    I don’t know if anyone else here gets this, or feels the same way.

  370.  #370April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 5:55 am

    I love all the yum stuff you wrote.
    I once had a dominant man phone me and sing to me very softly. It was triple yum.

  371.  #371Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 6:01 am

    @ April Rose

    I’m so glad you posted for me. I don’t know what #3 is.. but I’m sitting with what you said… and it felt good to read it..

    I also think your right… it might just override it..

    I have to run but I have great news… and I can’t thank you all enough for your posts! WOW… I feel so heard and loved! What amazing women you all are… I’m grateful

    I just did the work on M is selfish and controlling and WOW! I found it! big time where I’m being that way… it felt good to ackknowledge it and take responsiblity for it…and to also give me a break… love me and be alllowing with me…

    it was an amazing work… I feel so peaceful and relaxed… YAY!

    <3 OXOXOX

  372.  #372April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 6:09 am

    number three is the third comment on this thread.
    I’ll copy it here…

    This will not appeal to every woman here (maybe none). And beware, trigger alert…

    What would you think if you read this:-

    “Welcome to Taken In Hand, a website about wholehearted sexually-exclusive marriages in which the husband wears the trousers and is firmly in charge (to his wife’s delight!)—and he always puts his wife and their relationship first. Putting her and the relationship first is the key to creating a marriage in which the man is in control in a good, healthy and sustainable way. Taken In Hand wives tend not to claim to be submissive (though their husbands may well consider them to be so) but they do respect, honour and appreciate their husbands and strive to please them.”


  373.  #373Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 6:09 am

    janie baby it seems to me that you are confusing yourself and confusing the poor guy. You tell him only to come if he wants to. Then when he doesn’t want to and lets you know you are beating up on him. Even when his reasons are valid. Under the circumstances some guys would just totally disappear and you hear nothing from them for the next million years.

    I got the sense that you might be upset a bit or afraid of being alone. I wonder if you got the apartment to make it convenient for him to come over. Not necessarily that you really wanted to? Is this a sacrifice you are making to keep the relationship?

  374.  #374April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 6:20 am


    WM can do passive aggressive with bells on.
    I am tired of being controlled this way.
    I realise I want a man’s control. Overtly! In a way that creates connection (not kills it, as in passive aggressive behaviour). In a way that nourishes the woman and the relationship.

    I’ve been touched by the feelings of connection and intimacy that both partners experience in this dynamic. The women say how cared-for they feel, and how erotic a turn-on it is for them.
    I am going to ask WM for a taken in hand style relationship.

  375.  #375April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 6:23 am

    I’m not sure if I am exploring a fantasy or a reality.

    Until WM gets back, it remains pure fantasy.

  376.  #376Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Living my yoga today:

    Your body is the vehicle for your spirit’s expression in the world. You experience life through your body. And without a doubt, your spirit can only express itself through your body. Today say a silent prayer of gratitude to this precious body that expresses your spirit.

    **Janie Baby: I think the above can help you. The texting and calling over and over and over for the sole purpose of letting your man know how angry you are is a direct expression of your spirit through your body. Can you calm your body down, soften it (as you did when you were too sick to fight it – April Rose, I loved, loved, loved your insight into that situation) and reach out with peace and love? Even anger and disappointment can be expressed with peace and love. Expressing it by texting, calling and yelling will never (ever) draw a man closer to you.

    Much Love,

  377.  #377Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Janie Baby: I also would like to see you re-evaluate the word “Pissed”. Are you pissed? Or are you sad and hurt and scared? I don’t know, pissed might be exactly how you feel but if that extreme anger is what your feeling when he doesn’t show up like he says he will, maybe there’s something to that. I think if a man doesn’t show up in a situation where a woman truly loves him, she would feel some anger, yes, but I would assume the dominant feelings would be shock, hurt and disappointment. Those feelings can be expressed in a much softer and more feminine way (thus drawing him closer) than feelings of being “pissed” will.

    Not saying you should hide it if you really are that mad (and if you don’t have the other feelings). Just suggesting maybe you look deep inside and see what you are really feeling under all that anger.

    Much Love,

  378.  #378BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 6:34 am

    April Rose – was it you that went to Ratu Bagus’ ashram??

  379.  #379April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Yay! Yes, I went to Bali to shake with Ratu.
    I feel excited and curious about your question.

    Gosh, it must be a year ago I mentioned it, to Vi, I think.

  380.  #380BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 6:44 am

    April Rose, oh squee!!
    I heard about him through a friend of mine who spent a lot of time there and hosts shaking retreats in the Washington area…I’ve tried it a little on my own at home and it feels pretty natural.
    I’m considering going there for a ‘detox’ before I move to Oregon.
    I feel nervous and scared and excited, not knowing if I can afford it, going somewhere I don’t know the language. I am an adventurous spirit, though, I love new places and experiences!
    I haven’t traveled overseas before – how did you like it? Was it difficult to get around? Communicate?
    Any tips?

  381.  #381Veronica on July 3, 2013 at 6:48 am

    April Rose – 330 –
    “I think many men (and women) are repressed by EQUALITY!!!!

    I learned from Rori that being different polarities (feminine energy vs masculine energy) is what RAMPS UP attraction.

    Equality doesn’t ramp up attraction. Or, should I say that society’s IDEA of equality is killing our relationships.

    Of course all humans should be equally valued. Equality of value, yes.
    Equality as in playing the same roles, no!”

    Oh.thank.you.for.saying.this! It’s as though with the trend in the humanities for things being ‘gender queer’ that I often felt boring or a traitor for personally wanting to understand being a woman and how that relates to men AND having no problem with that. I’m not expressing myself very well here, but what you said – yes, thank you.

  382.  #382BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 6:54 am

    I felt such intense sensations last night
    Yesterday I felt triggered, and my heart felt as if it had been hit by a million tiny little daggers or electric jolts.
    I held my hand on my heart, comforting myself. Had a silent conversation with the person who I felt triggered by…who then went home, on his own (thank you for taking care of yourself!)
    I let it ache all day
    During my kundalini meditation, my heart felt as if it were on fire
    It felt …ecstatic…to lie down with myself and hold my burning heart…with no story about the why.
    That, actually, was what felt best – no story about why it hurt, simply being present with the feelings.
    This morning my lymph nodes are swollen, I feel sick, and I’m stroking my throat humming waves of “yum yum yum yum”
    toxic goo releasing
    noticing the desire for SUGAR to soothe and instead reaching for the water
    cuz I just love myself too much
    yum yum yum
    haha oh this is so awesome!
    I don’t know how I can feel sick, toxic and blissed and smiley at the same time.
    Loving this 🙂

  383.  #383Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Reaching for water here too Beloved.

    Love love love your expression of I just love myself too much. Imma use it to move away from some men too.

  384.  #384Millie on July 3, 2013 at 7:04 am

    @Zia 303/304

    Maybe Time and Patience are the answer for us. Maybe we are on the right track and need to continue doing what we are doing, working on ourselves, meeting frogs…and the frogs will keep getting better and better.. I’m hoping. I know attraction for women is built, where a man needs to feel instantly attracted, but does that mean I have to go out with men I’m not attracted to AT ALL?!

  385.  #385April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Thank you too, Veronica,

    Here’s to happy, feminine energy women and strong, masculine men!

  386.  #386April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 7:16 am

    I’ll write back to you later about my travel experiences. Gotta dash.
    Feeling thrilled for you considering such an adventure…

  387.  #387prplpsn28 on July 3, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I feel really tired. It seems like too much work sometimes. Just tired and want to quit.

  388.  #388April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 7:18 am

    then quit, prplsn
    quit the fight, quit getting it right.
    be loved as you are
    hugs to you

  389.  #389seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 7:23 am

    In the presence of love,anything unlike itself comes up to be healed……………………………………. the more I accept and love myself…………. things come up. The crocodile under the couch………………. I visualized myself sitting in front of it shining with love…….. i had to light the dark under the couch……….. then ‘stuff’ came up to be healed. Then I visualized going on my hands and knees to really get under there and shine my light……… bigger things came up………… the crocodile isn’t there anymore. It used to be, under the couch, it went on forever into black…….. and hearing it slither around………….. I became the croc and morphed in to me coming into the light and becoming the light. The light of love the light of forgiveness the light of me…………….. I matter and I am here with love. I’m okay.

    I didn’t get that saying completely before. I changed my perspective and that saying just got sooooo much bigger. I feel strong inside that my own love for myself did that. Thank you Thank you thank you for showing the way FW. And everybody for showing the way. I feel so humble and very full of gratitude. Thank you

  390.  #390BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 7:31 am

    seahorse 386
    I got goosebumps all over my body reading this

  391.  #391Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 7:37 am

    April Rose neither of those styles the passive/aggressive or wanting to be controlled in a taken in hand style are healthy. They are both dysfunctional. To want a man to control us is to have or for us to want to control a man then creates the dynamic of dysfunctional Daddy/ child or Mummy/child relationship.

    It comes back to parenting and how we were parented.

    The healthy things as adults is for loving adult realtionship adult/adult in control of ourselves relationship.

    The healthy and loving relationships are neither of these they are authoritive.

  392.  #392BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 7:38 am

    i have a yum journal now
    to write down all of the yummy experiences and memories I notice through the day

    last night I did a ‘healing from heartbreak’ meditation
    I was guided to imagine a loving, compassionate presence who will never leave me
    so I imagined ME
    holding me kissing me caressing me
    I love my softness
    i love the feel of my skin and my own kisses on it
    in my own mind I snuggled into myself
    it made me cry, how much I love me

    FW I love receiving your attention, I don’t know why, it just feels so good when you respond to something I say, I feel…comraderie? something easy and familiar in a good way, like, “we’re totally in this together”, relaxed and easy. I like it 🙂

  393.  #393BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 7:39 am

    I don’t know why but I need to say to you…”I like it when you let your hair down, girl.”

  394.  #394Vi on July 3, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Lisa thank you for your words in 144. Hugs to you!

  395.  #395Heart on July 3, 2013 at 7:44 am

    Maybe I’m missing out on Rori’s newsletters…

  396.  #396Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 7:46 am

    If we were not parented in a loving healthy authorative way where our feelings were accepted and facillitated in how to take care of our own feelings then our love imprint is dysfunctional and unless we get help we will subconciously attract this is our romantic relationships.
    What we need to do is to become aware and make a healthy conscious choice instead.

  397.  #397Vi on July 3, 2013 at 7:46 am

    April Rose I feel thrilled and giggly you remember that talk and I feel glad you went there and I would feel excited to know more about your experiences!

  398.  #398Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 7:51 am

    When we heal we will attract and be attracted to healthier relationships.

    What makes me feel sad is that from my observation, most relationships and families are dysfuctional. And the pattern and abuse keps being repeated.

  399.  #399Vi on July 3, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I heard many good words about Britenbush hot springs retreat here in Oregon I would love to come there one day.. I feel dreamy thinking about this possibility…

  400.  #400Elsie on July 3, 2013 at 7:53 am

    “a man who is very excited to be with me, who adores me to the moon and back”

    I LOVE this. I should frame it. 🙂

    @janiebaby – Well, how long have you been going out with him. If this is a new pattern, I would take it seriously. I would do Q’s Code and say, Look I know you have a reason for whatever you do, and I’m trying to understand here. For my sake, I need someone who is going to do what they say they are going to do. I’m ok if you cant make it, I just need to know either way. I actually had that conversation with GS and it went well (months ago.)

    Ok now I”m going to say this. There was a man I dated decades ago. We went on a few dates, and I liked him, andthen he said he wanted to stop dating me. And he said something SO PROFOUND…..

    “Sometimes a boy just needs to give a girl flowers.”

    I have never forgotten that. Sometimes a man just wants to give a girl flowers, and feel needed and loved for that minute. That he is taking care of someone. Anyone. It doesnt matter. Its a need they have, and then…..it passes. It wasnt about me, it was about him just having that need to give a girl flowers and be masculine. He didnt want a relaitonship. Take that for what its worth in light of the soup and being sick…..maybe he just needed to feel needed????

    @April Rose – This is my take, and many sirens may disagree. I think some of us are just strong girls. I’m not saying you should be rowing the boat the whole time, but personalities are different. I have attempted to use Rori’s tools in MY way so taht they are comfortable to ME. If you feel angry – you get to feel that way. Frankly if you feel like yelling, then you know – I’m sorry, but it wouldnt be normal to NEVER EVER get that angry and upset with someone that you are in a relationship with. So I try to use the Rori tools for the majority of the time, just knowing that I”m human and sometimes those other emotions are going to just bleed out. I hope that helps.

    @Ruth – yes, it was me that said it – men are like waffle squares. And women are like one big pancake. LOL. Also, i’ve heard that men are like apartments separate, and women are just one huge studio apartment in their head. LOL

    @Prplprsn: Whats going on? Why do you feel so tired and exhausted – what happened?

    OK – my story. I am feeling very angry and hurt and disappointed with GS. He hasnt talked to me now in almost 5 days. This is after the huge 4 hour talk on Friday where I thought we were not going to push pause. I guess he pushed pause anyway. I am feeling like I need to have a talk with him so that I am fair to him, myself and CollegeCD but mostly myself. I dont want to let go. I want him to be the man for me. I thought I knew the end of the story. I love him so much. I thought he loved me. I thought that was enough. I am addicted to the “story” for sure. And I wanted people to know and show him off, and have him show me off. And I dont want it to end because I love kissing him and mking lvoe to him and I get very anxious and my stomach goes in knots when I think that may never happen again between us.

    But I also realized this. The reason this man stayed in such an emotionally vacant relationship for a decade was because……he didnt need more. When he said he wasnt good at relationships he means that he doesnt NEED the emotional connection that often, and therefore, cant GIVE it when others need it. Now I get it. This is why he stayed with her forever. He didnt crave that emotional connection, so it was fine with him. Now, I think he would have liked to have intimate physical relations and some fun time with someone, but not a true deep lasting daily emotional connection. Thats the reason he never left her. He saw he could have that with me. But then after a year and a half he realizes that I need to sustain that, and I dont think he can.

    I will miss him so much if we dont stay together, the idea I will never be with him intimately again is very painful to me.

    Its so hard for me to let go.

    But yesterday was so nice with CollegeCD, so that is a good distraction at least. 🙂

  401.  #401Emerson on July 3, 2013 at 7:58 am

    Hi Sirens regarding this post and feeling angry…I feel better now that I’m able to acknowledge my anger. It doesn’t “rule” me.

    Well I’m feeling a little angry today. My new cuddlyCD lives with his ex, I just found out.
    I am not ok with this. He said he is moving out next month and that she is a good friend, etc etc and needed help blah blah blah and that is why he is still there. Mind you, I *just* met him like 3 weeks ago…so have not been to his house yet and when he initially talked about where he lived it seemed he implied he lived there alone.
    From now on I will ALWAYS ask. Who do you live with? This is the same thing that happened to me with RecycledCD and it turned into a drawn out horrible drama that I let myself get dragged into.

    With this one, I told him I felt he was withholding information and that I felt sad and not comfortable with the situation. He got upset and told me blah blah they are like siblings, he really likes me and wants to see me, why would I throw away our great connection….?? Honestly it is such a turn off. I feel so blah and really sad like crying. Not over him just after 3 weeks but just the blow of any hope being shattered…I actually was starting to like him alot and letting my guard down, allowing myself to be free and open. We have not had sex but just kissing and lots of cuddling and making out. LOL

    Now that’s over. Sigh, oh well. He really still wants to see me but I am not going to see him while he lives with her. After next month when he moves I still may not feel like it. But I feel sad.

    Another one of my CDs that I only met once from the dating site but we had a great date, has been in touch sporatically and I always respond warmly…well he sent me a text yesterday saying that he wasn’t sure if I’m interested because he always texts first and I don’t contact him. LOL that’s called leaning back. I told him I am interested and I feel surprised to hear that he thinks that. What else should I say ladies?

    Ugh…feeling sad about my cuddly one though….

  402.  #402Heart on July 3, 2013 at 8:03 am

    Emerson…could you change your new cd’s name from Cuddly to something else…if not I understand…lol.

  403.  #403Elsie on July 3, 2013 at 8:06 am

    @Emerson – GREAT for you for keeping your boundaries if this is one. I wouldnt throw this baby out with the bathwater yet. He probably was scared to bring it up because of the reaction that he got!!! Let this go, and see what happens in a month. He was honest with you and told you – he didnt have to do that. Just put it on a break and then start dating him in a month! I dont think this is that bad, but that is just me. I think its great that he was honest with you.

    Concerning your texting guy, I would say “I am interested!! It doesnt feel good or girly to me to chase boys, but I would love to see you again!”

  404.  #404seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Emerson- Something jumped out at me from your post…………. I was actually starting to like him a lot, and letting my guard down, allowing myself to be free and open.

    Why didn’t you be free and open in the beginning? Or why not everyday, every moment be free and open? Your writing here,to me, you sound like a most fabulous Siren.
    Is it protection? Maybe the boundary thing? Stronger boundaries for Emerson? Maybe more love for Emerson?…………….. Well…….. hahahahaha….. ALWAYS more love for ourselves, right?

  405.  #405Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 8:20 am

    I am feeling so incredibly lucky that I don’t have to be (and am apparently not) “normal”:

    “I’m sorry, but it wouldnt be normal to NEVER EVER get that angry and upset with someone that you are in a relationship with.”

    I so, so, so much prefer my own truth and my own life than a box that says “this is what’s normal”.

    Elsie: That comment felt so incredibly limiting to me. Why is it that “normal” people have to be angry and upset with each other? Why isn’t it “normal” to be in a relationship where respect and love are how we communicate and nobody has to be angry and upset? Is it “normal” to be this way because so many people settle for it?

    I don’t get it. I choose my own normal which is loving kindness in my relationship, not “angry” and “upset”.

    Not everyone needs the drama of anger and upset. Some of us prefer the peacefulness of joy and compassion and respect. I don’t think that means we’re not normal. I don’t think that’s what it means at all.

    I prefer my truth. I prefer my normal.

    Not willing to be put into a box of what others seem to be settling for… No…not willing to do that AT ALL.

    Much Love,

  406.  #406seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I feel something in that…………… I believe that I am putting myself out there ‘As is’. I don’t want to protect myself…….. I really love my boundaries. I don’t like to blame someone else for what I feel. I move away from that icky feeling now. I can feel my body go tight and my breathing change and then I watch and then speak about in feeling messages. If my boundary is setting off sparks of electricity………………. I move away…………. no blame. it is what it is……………… I speak up for me in feeling messages………………… except for yesterday when I told the man he was a Mr. Meany pants…………

  407.  #407BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 8:27 am

    seahorse 403
    lol, you probably made his day. I doubt he has EVER heard that before. He’s probably still cracking up about it 🙂

  408.  #408Andrea on July 3, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I had a date last night. He took me to a fancy Italian place in town. We had a bottle of wine and their date dinner for two. With dessert.
    Then the bill came and he didn’t grab it up and pay for it. Instead he ignored it and kept chit chatting and talking about boring subjects until honestly we were sipping on our last drops of water.
    I finally said, “Well, looks like we should maybe head out of here.”

    He took the bill and he said, “I’m not paying for this. But I’d be willing to go dutch.”

    (Let me tell you something here that I learned last night. Silence can be a very effective tool in handling a situation.)

    I said nothing. I stared at him straight in the eyes and said nothing. I had a bemused look on my face to be sure. But I let minutes go by with out a word.

    Then he said, “Well… I can pay this time if you’re not prepared to pay for your share.”

    I said, “I most definitely am NOT prepared to pay. I don’t pay for dates that I’ve been asked to come out on.”

    He said, “You don’t?”

    “Most definitely NOT.” I said.

    So he took out his credit card and paid. I thought for sure that he would be angry and deposit me home as soon as he could but instead he looked at me a little bit differently… then asked if I wanted to walk around the down town area a little bit and look at the new sculptures.

    So we did that and we talked about dating and paying and our expectations and etc…
    It was an interesting talk and I was glad for it because I got to hear his point of view. He had been married for many years. Divorced for five and new to the dating world. He read on some website that women don’t want to be paid for on dates…

    I told him, “Well, you weren’t dating “women”. You asked ME on a date. I feel confused right now.”

    (I wish I would have said that I felt offended. That’s how I feel this morning now… offended.)

    But I did ask him to clarify for me what communication I was giving off that led him to think that I would go dutch. He couldn’t give me any feedback in that area.
    So we walked back to his car and then he looks at me kind pity-ful.. and he goes, “Do you want to be done now? Or maybe… do you want to go over to this Irish pub and have a drink or two?”

    I said, “I’m not paying for drinks!”

    I was kind of mad by then. And he said, “No.. I’ll pay. I just want to spend more time with you.”

    So I went along with that too. It actually turned out to be a pleasant date. And when we got to my house he walked me to my door and then pulled me close to him and planted a fantastic kiss on me.

    So… I think I turned the date around from what could have been icky, to something kind of nice.

  409.  #409Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I believe Elsie was using societies definition of ‘normal’
    As in what most of the population do.

  410.  #410Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Emerson good for you. Great setting of boundary. I tell guys I feel good with men leqding with the communication as it feels roamantic when they call. I also omplement their handsom man voice

  411.  #411Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Elsie love is not enough. I0think that talk might only make you feel worse. He tried to tell you and hoped you would figure it out. You didn’t listen to your intuition. Also what makes you think he would treat you different than the ex?

  412.  #412Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Most people do now and again get angry it is a normal human emotion.
    There is nothing wrong with anger it is how we react

  413.  #413Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:13 am

    that can be bad and unhealthy for ourselves and others.

    Anger and agression are two different things.

  414.  #414Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Syreena: I agree that “most” people do this. I’m questioning why. Why is that such a reality for people? Why isn’t “normal” being filled will love and compassion all the time? Why is it “normal” to feel anger or upset toward someone we love? Why do people do that? Why aren’t more people trying to change what “normal” is?

    I’m not talking about not having anger. There are plenty of situations on this planet that require our anger so we can focus on making changes. I’m talking about feeling anger and upset toward people we love. Why not direct those feelings toward *situations* and direct only love and compassion to those we care for…especially when it comes to our communications?

    Much Love,

  415.  #415Erika Awakening on July 3, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Wow, I really don’t want to do this dating thing. That feels good to say out loud. It feels draining. It goes against my intuition, which says not to date.

    Rori’s email today about silence was perfect timing …

  416.  #416seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Mercedes- I feel such understanding with what your questions are. Once again back to yoga, right? I feel better when I can really get into the place where the anger is a trigger and understand that. What I put out there is going to have reverberations that go on and on. I prefer to have it be ……………… acceptance …….. peace so that it grows and I then get to have come back around…….. to reap what I sow…………… yeah, that feels really opening, smooth and happy.

  417.  #417seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Beloved- Hahahahahaahha!!!!!!! I was dancing around the house with Little Siren to Elvis….. old stuff…… Wanna dance sister???? Woop Woop!!!!!!

    btw……. your processing is sending me into the blue!!! Love it!!!!!

  418.  #418seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Andrea- Beautiful Siren!!!! I feel so dang awesome reading you!!!!! Woooooooo Youuuuuu! That is a ROCKSTAR! And a fantastic kiss to end a great evening! That’s the best…………… great big hugs:)

  419.  #419seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Erika- Sometimes doesn’t it feel like a Rubic’s cube……. twisting it this way then that way and on and on……….. then you want to huck it out the window?

    I put it down for a bit then go play. Outside, fresh air, saying Hi! and smiling to people I don’t know. Dance around with some really great music, fly a kite, ride the swings…….. whatever, till I come back and rest………………….. Then when I feel I have the concentration, I pick it up again.

  420.  #420Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:41 am

    I hear you mecedes

    Even in relationships with people we care about it is their behaviour that we get angry about. not them as such.

    Why is this normal.
    Because it is learned behaviour.
    Because we have a society that is based on power and control.

    It would feel great to have a new normal.
    Denying our anger is not going to get us there.
    To move to compassion and love first we have to aknowledge the anger then CHOOSE to take go to compassion for ourselves and others by taking the loveing ACTION then the anger wil go.

    I believe this is what you did Mercedes.
    Weren’t you angry with J before you left him and circular dated?
    So you felt angry and then moved to compassion and took loving action.

    First we have to accept and love our anger.

  421.  #421Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Seahorse: 413…YES!!!! That’s EXACTLY it! And since J and I are both conscious of that and conscious of how we talk to each other and treat each other, “anger” and “upset” are not normal for us. Not at all. We used to feel more of that but we’ve been able to evolve our relationship to a whole different level that feels soooo much better. It makes me want that for everyone (even if everyone doesn’t want that for themselves).

    Andrea: WOW! YAY!!!! LOVED reading about your date!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  422.  #422Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I love my anger, what scares me and what I do not like is how I sometimes react.

  423.  #423Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:47 am

    I refuse to pretend I don’t feel upset or angry and put a fake smile on my face for anyone. If they think I am miserable, angry and don’t like I have real negative emotions that is there problem not mine. Mine is to accept them and then do the compassionate and loving action to get to a better feeling.

  424.  #424Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Syreena: Oh yes. I’ve been angry at J before. Very angry. And not just at his actions, at HIM…as a person…I felt such passionate anger toward him. It didn’t help us at all for me to be directing my anger that way.

    As I said, we’ve evolved our relationship to something completely different than that now. It’s our normal. I want the limiting beliefs to stop. I want people to understand, believe and accept that “normal” doesn’t have to be what always was. We can create normal. And normal can be beautiful…it doesn’t have to be anger and upset at those we love.

    Much Love,

  425.  #425Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I would love for us all to evolve to have more compassionate loving relationships and a more compassionate loving society.

  426.  #426BeLoved on July 3, 2013 at 9:50 am

    seahorse 414
    yes yes yes I LOOOOVVVEEEESSS me some Elvis!
    Lawd amighty
    I feel my tempature rising…

    cuz your kisses lift me higher
    like the sweet song of a choir
    you light my morning sky
    with burning love (burning love woo hoo)

    yummm blue like the whales
    dreamy ocean sails
    water drifting seeping soaking washing
    all the putrid pain away
    bringing forth the silken daylight silken rain
    breathe and cry and heave a big sigh
    we are all here we are all one the time of love is bound to come up on us all quick as a wink
    keep breathing love don’t stop to think
    just be and breathe
    and laughing, too
    whale-shaped angels swimming with you
    diving deep
    into the blue
    yumyum yum

  427.  #427seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Yesterday, with the man on the phone for customer service……………….. I got triggered with anger for not being heard. I felt like I didn’t matter. I almost cried kept breathing low through it. He was a rude guy. I calmly TOLD him what I felt and my request………. A very blunt NO………… I didn’t feel like yelling at him……. that was the coolest thing. I could of by passed the Mr. Meany Pants comment but………………. I didn’t. I’m learning…. hahahahaha!!!!!

    I got my ME, MY SELF out of the situation. I said No More………….I feel proud. I feel great because it could of gone sideways with yelling and stuff. It felt like he wanted to fight. He was right and I was wrong…………Nope……………. I remember the movie Matilda when her dad is telling her how wrong she was…………… I love that movie:)

  428.  #428Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I hear you mercedes.

  429.  #429Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Syreena: I hope you’re not implying that I pretend I don’t feel anger or that I cover it up for people. That’s not the case at all. And I would never suggest anyone else do it either. I agree with you…it’s all about how we react and how we channel or direct that anger. And when it comes to each other, there’s no “fake” or “pretending”…it’s a conscious awareness (that has now become pretty automatic) of always treating each other and communicating with love an compassion. I can’t even remember the last time J did or said anything that upset me or made me angry. Being conscious of our love for each other keeps us from doing anything that would be upsetting to the other. That’s normal for us. We just plain don’t do things that would hurt or upset the other. It’s love and compassion and respect. That’s all. No pretending.

    Much Love,

  430.  #430Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 9:52 am

    @AprilRose I’d love too.. and I had something to respond to… I’ll have to find it again…

    I’m struggling with little to no sleep…and I noticed that once I felt at peace the first sign of something not going right, I jumped right back into NV…. have been in and out all morning… so tired…

    I found this and it just really felt good

    I can’t paste inside this box… uggg… Ok here it is:

    “If you want to awaken all of humanity, then waken all of yourself, if you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation… Lao Tzu”

    this is why I work on myself… and I get caught up in stuff and feelings, and I forget why I’m doing it…

  431.  #431Liquid Light on July 3, 2013 at 9:52 am


    First we have to accept and love our anger.

    Yes, I LOVE that. Thank you! That’s exactly what I was getting at. I think as women we’re taught that its NOT OK to feel angry and so we repress/deny it and it comes out as depression or being too nice.

    There is nothing wrong with feeling angry!!! Its all about how we choose to express it…that’s what I’m trying to work on.

  432.  #432Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Thank you Syreena…looks like we were posting at the same time and I didn’t see everything you wrote first.

    Much Love,

  433.  #433seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 9:58 am

    Then the whales come close closer to the surface and begin changing………. fins turn to wings and each brush of air on them feathers sprout………… feathers rush all down the whales as they get closer to the surface………. breaking through to the air and begin flapping, what was once fins and then became wings……….. into the air graceful and soaring, carving circles wider and wider and wider……….. up up up and away into the heavens…………… I just love you Beloved:) Such happy I feel right now sweet Beloved Thank you!

  434.  #434Femininewoman on July 3, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Thanks BeLoved

  435.  #435Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Looking back I see I missed the Yelling part is Elsies post.

    That is what we can learn to control.

    So not p retending that we do not feel angry when we do or that anger is wrong or bad.

    Also I do not personally like or believe people who say they are angry when they say it in a sweet high voice or neurtal voice. Or there mannerisms are neutral. When the vive does not match the words.
    A low authorative tone along with the words is what makes me feel safe,respect and listen to people who are expressing anger.

  436.  #436Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Me to liquid light. Yes I agree we are all taught to be nice.
    And such rubbish as if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all.

    I feel happy not to be classed as ‘nice’.

  437.  #437seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Syreena- My Grammy used to tell me that. When I would put someone down………… Running someone down…………… Then she would follow it up with, ‘You’re jealous Seahorse, look to yourself.’ Sometimes she would be short with it…………. Lemon sucker face at me………. hahahahaha! Love that lady!

  438.  #438Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 10:41 am

    I like that Seahorse.

    I now believe the word no is my friend.

    What makes me feel angry is people who try and negotiate my no, who get a kick out of trying to push my no.
    Some men especially love to do this and I have herad them state ” oh we all know that most women don’t really mean no when she says no and it’s great fun trying to get her to change her mind.”
    Or get angry call me names trying to get me to change my mind.

    I walk away from men and women like that

  439.  #439Liquid Light on July 3, 2013 at 10:49 am

    @syreena 419

    I love my anger, what scares me and what I do not like is how I sometimes react.

    Yes, me too. Certain people, like my father, really trigger me sometimes. I’m not sure what to do about it since I let my temper get the best of me at times when I’m triggered. Sigh.

  440.  #440seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Hahahahahaha!!!! Run away!!!!! Quickly!!! Oh my, I hear you Syreena! That’s on them and not me………… I feel compassion for them, whatever their story is and whatever kind of day they are having……………… but I gotta go. Then I turn towards something that feels better and gets my insides to stay open……….

    I had that happen before with men also. No, is safe and my boundary. I do like coming to the table to work stuff out to mutual happiness. Sometimes though…………… walking away is the only answer. Boundaries is where it’s safe to me. Big hugs Syreena 🙂

  441.  #441Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Ty Seahorse big hugs back.

  442.  #442seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 10:57 am

    LL- I found that breathing and finding out WHY I’m triggered is my answer. It’s always from my childhood and I find my little girl inside and love her and tell her it’s all good and I have her….. hand in hand we walk always. She had some mighty big fears and anger going on and we work through it and love on all we feel.

    That’s how I stay here and present…………… and no sugar and lot of playing:) Everywhere and everything, playing and playing. Whistle while you work:)

  443.  #443Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 11:04 am

    In the past I have been asked if it would be ok with me if it would be ok if someone took my child somwhere.

    When I said no, I didn’t feel ok with it I then got the wanting a reason and to argue with my reason calling me difficuly unreasonable and selfish.
    Even offered to drop my child off there. It was them driving my child I wasn’t comfortable with.

    What I don’t get is why ask in the first place if I am not allowed to say no.

  444.  #444seahorse on July 3, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I feel very proud. Little Seahorse is listening to music and played a song for me that she loves. I asked her why she loves this song…………… She said she feels calm when she hears it……. I asked what does calm feel like to her. I have tears and I’m breathing while i write this……………. I feel such peace……….. She said ‘ It feels like all my cupboard doors are open and all of me is out there’……………….. O love her so much and am so proud of her.
    Outside to play and see what happens along our path. A most joyful morning all around! Thank you Sweet Sirens! Enjoy your day and may it bring many surprises!

  445.  #445Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Lol, cringing at the whistling.Shudders like chalk scratching down a blackboard to my ears.
    Love the rest of what you wrote seahorse though.

  446.  #446Liquid Light on July 3, 2013 at 11:15 am

    @seahorse I know why I am being triggered with my father – he is just an extremely self-centered person and my mother is, guess what, an extremely giving and selfless person. No big surprise there. It just drives me batty that all he thinks about is himself and then my mother bends over backwards for him and he just takes advantage of her over and over again. …I dunno I have a really hard time with it sometimes. It just really bugs me!!! Maybe I should try to do Katie Byron work on it…dunno…

  447.  #447Syreena on July 3, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Sounds like most co dependent married relationships I know LL.

  448.  #448Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 11:24 am


    WOWOOWW that was written straight from my insides… I mean to say that is like it came from me only I didn’t know it yet…

    OMG! I have so much to say to this…

    I need to work and process more but I can comment more later…

    i too have been told that I’m a bearer of pain… a scaraficer… my therapist said I’m addicted to great sacrifice… that blew me away when she said that… OOCH.. but that is why I like her…she sees through me….

    I’m going to look at the “M” protects himself…. b/c I can just tell you are right — it might be me protecting me, looking like him protecting him…. oh my juicy stuff here to work on….



  449.  #449Lisa on July 3, 2013 at 11:56 am


    Yes, I’m finding that is what I need to do, trust myself and wait for the answer…

    I found in my deep dark sleepless night….that I don’t trust God and I don’t trust me… and sometimes I trust what others say over myself… so trust healing needs to happen….

    Funny how I trusted me more before committing to ‘M” and also decided to wait and see how things might unfold, when I got the sick gut feeling, that I usually listen to when dating… and now am wishing I had listened to it more… and acted more accordingly…

    I can’t remember who posted it this morning about wanting someone else to take my burden for awhile… well maybe but mostly I just want it to be healed and done… I’m over the top exhausted.. but I can certainly find where I might want someone else to have it for awhile…


  450.  #450Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Elsie 250,

    For my part, I never ‘let go of the story’.

    If it was not meant to be, it eventually let go of me.

    I have not been able to let go of my story with D, which for me tells me there is more to come. I know it for a certainty. But I never try to expel the story from my life.

    Why would you do that? Why would you cause yourself that pain? It’s your heart’s/mind’s way of dealing with things. Take it with you, make it part of your beautiful imagination.

  451.  #451Mercedes on July 3, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I’m so irritated with myself right now. I took a half day of vacation today. And I forgot. Until it was too late. The next three hours are going to be looooonnnnnnggggg!!!! So far, all I’ve been able to think about is “I could be home right now…”


  452.  #452Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    April Rose – 366 – And you can ask for this without exactly asking.

    It would feel SO good ….

    and express what it is that would feel good.

    The redirect I was referring more to was how the fieriness is expressed. There is drama fire, and authentic fire. I think you understand the difference.


  453.  #453Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Liquid Light 232


    No one knows that from time to time I curl up and sob, and the tears come from such a primal place, my whole body shakes.

    And if I’m honest with myself, at least part of it is just… anger.

    But when I’m able to release it somehow, without hurting anybody and without chastising myself, it does dissipate on its own.

  454.  #454Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    CurvySiren 264

    Yes! There is a difference between the two, and I have spent most of my life not knowing the difference.

    But I think, for me, I’ve realised that the difference is that the nasty voices do eventually die down, whereas my instincts just.do.not.go.away.

    If a feeling persists, it is usually that some wise thing inside me is insisting I pay attention to it. And so I do. I don’t question that. Like you, this has never led me astray.


  455.  #455Zara on July 3, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Anger Makes MORE Love When You Do It This Way
    From Rori Raye. Monday, 2 February 2009

    We are ALL “gurus.”

    We are all always in process of either understanding ourselves and knowing ourselves MORE – or working hard to AVOID understanding and knowing ourselves. The more we avoid, the more we reduce our ability to feel, experience, and get close to a man.

    Anger is much easier for a man. It’s the antidote to fear and emotional pain, and is historically more acceptable in a man.

    We women are supposed to be “sugar and spice and everything nice…”

    And yet – around a woman – a man is supposed to be “reigned in” – where we women are allowed culturally to cry (though most of us have experienced the reverse – of NOT being allowed to cry, to be “weak,” in our families).

    So – we women have been seriously shut down, as have men.

    And here is where we’re all in danger: As men are evolving into feeling beings, right in front of our eyes, – like Matt (thank you again for your glorious and extraordinarily thoughtful and helpful comments) – we women are moving backwards, into a model where we do not Feel at all – and when we do – we instantly tense up against and regret having felt it.

    When this happens, Anger takes on more than its share. It rises up against the person or the experience that Triggered it. It becomes protection on the OUTSIDE, instead of what it truly is – your body’s sacred and powerful marshaling of its life force to keep you from despair.

    We are supposed to be well-modulated. We are supposed to not let anger out, nor tears. We are moving into “women of the brain” even while men are allowed to become more touchy-feely.

    We have to stop this. Let’s all get off this train together. We can start with this powerful emotion – Anger.

    Jumping off from a line of Matt’s – “It’s very hard to love when angry.”

    Let’s flip that one around to – “It’s very hard to love WITHOUT anger.” In other words, if anger is a human emotion, and it’s a reaction to hurt, pain, disappointment and fear – if it’s a powerful energy that can be used for GOOD in this world – then DENYING it, shoving it aside, deriding it, making it a not-good thing is like cutting off your hand. It makes you less whole. It makes you not whole.

    Loving your anger creates the possibility of loving WHEN angry. This creates the possibility of loving someone ELSE’S anger. This enables a soft blanket of Safety to envelop the relationship.

    So that, instead of seeing your man (or woman’s) anger as “in-the-way-of-love” – you see it as a step TOWARD love.

    The anger itself is golden, is merely a feeling, energy to be embraced and freed and used – the question is – always WHAT TO DO WITH IT…

    And that, Reshi – is your question. What do I do with my anger?

    And the answer is simple – it’s YOUR anger. It belongs to you. You OWN it.

    And if you will allow yourself to experience it – no matter how irrational it seems to you – as RIGHTEOUS – perhaps not in the setting of reality or what’s really going on, but in the setting of your internal workings and triggerings – and honor it anyway…you’ll find new ways to experience it and to talk about it.

    There’s nothing so powerful in a relationship as anger expressed as love. “I SHARE this with you, and I know that it belongs to me, it’s MY feeling, it’s part of MY system, and that because we are close, I’ve been triggered, and that – most importantly – my healing and the depth of our relationship depends on my willingness to love my anger, and not throw it out of my body and onto YOU.”

    Now – can you see that if you experience your anger as love – as yourself rising up powerfully from a lower energy feeling like sadness or numbness – as a rescue move from yourself to yourself – that it’s easier to separate it out from the person who triggered it?

    If you can try this – just see if you can catch it here the next time you feel angry – you can feel the protectiveness going on inside you, experience that as love, and then MOVE THROUGH IT.

    Just go out the other side of it – and Channel if you can into an action that feels good (the Riff Tools for Channeling are in the Power & Self Esteem category here) – and I’ll bet you that you’ll start to catch the pattern earlier and earlier, and move through into almost a humorous place (see if you find yourself giggling).

    Now – who wouldn’t find that charming? No one. Every one, every man would find that charming.

    A woman with a temper who doesn’t throw it at a man, who just experiences it and moves the energy into a new place. Sexy as all hell.

    Try it, and let me know.

    Alias Girl, Maria, Reshi, Matt – Thank you for this thread — you are all brilliant and blessed. Keep doing what you’re doing (and writing about it…)

    Love, Rori

  456.  #456Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Veronica 299

    That’s lovely, enjoy it 🙂

    Oh no, re: horses. That is one of the biggest lies put out there about them. That you have to be ‘in charge’. As if they are big and dumb and dangerous and can’t help but take a mile if you give them an inch.

    In fact, they are very sensitive, intelligent creatures, fully capable of collaborating with humans in partnership. As equals. Not as a boss/subordinate relationship.

    For my part, I tell my mare how I’m feeling when I interact with her. She may not understand the words, but she understands the intent. And she feels safe and relaxed when I own my feelings. Much like men I guess.

    I am fascinated at how Rori has chosen a horse to symbolise our journeys as Sirens.

  457.  #457Shina on July 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Oh Rori, your timing once again is impeccable! After all this time I have learned to stop questioning how on earth you could have possibly known to post about an issue I am experiencing at this very moment! You are awesome 🙂

    Anger….. my oh my, I have SO MUCH of it. Murderous rage actually, and it’s like an ocean of it simmers right at the edge – just waiting to spill out given the tiniest of triggers. I thought after all these years of working, working, and working on myself some more, that I have finally gotten a handle on things… but NOPE! Underneath there’s more stuff that gets unearthed each time I have a breakthrough with something else. It really is like peeling away layers of an onion!

    I got really really angry at my FI yesterday for his smart-a$$ comment to me when I asked him to take the dog outside for a potty break. He started a new job recently, and out of my desire to be the loving, supportive fiance to him, I took on the bulk of the house-work to help ease his transition. (BIG mistake I know!) It’s been a few weeks, he’s adjusted better to his schedule, and things needed to change b/c it just was not sustainable for me to continue on the way we were. BUT instead of showing gratitude and replying with a cheerful “Hey babe, you’ve been so supportive and loving to me all this time, SURE I’ll help out around the house!” NOPE. I got the exact opposite. BAD attitude and a flippant a$$-hole remark about how I have an issue with sharing house-work.


    Are you F*ing kidding me?!

    Oh how awfully I got triggered. In that split second, the floodgates opened and the ocean of murderous rage spilled out of me. I literally saw red in my righteous indignation that instead of being a caring/supportive partner back to me, he was super f’ing selfish. I let the rage consume me and I. LET. HIM. HAVE. IT.

    When he saw the anger in my eyes and heard it in my voice, he tried to run away. But at this point, I was consumed by my anger and ready to kill and draw blood. I didn’t let him leave the room, I even followed him to our backyard and yelled at him through the screen door. All the resentment that had built up inside of me from doing everything and being the STRONG one he could lean on (classic over-functioning) erupted like Mt. Vesuvius.

    I NEVER thought I would be “that woman.” The type of woman who goes ape-sh*t on her man.

    I’m going to be honest. When I first read this post yesterday, it pissed me off. Like how is it MY FAULT when HE’S the one who was such an a-hole?! Anyone would get angry if they had to deal with what I have to. I’m not the one who purposely got on the “angry train” — his inconsiderate comment and bad attitude would piss anyone off.


    I’m not a newbie in this whole personal growth thing. I know that whenever there is a relationship conflict, instead of blaming your partner, you need to look at how you yourself are contributing/creating the conflict. After I calmed down, I connected with my heart and body and discovered that underneath the anger was fear and my need to control being loved the way I’ve always wanted to be loved.

    My parents were not bad people, but they were very controlling, esp my father. And the only way I survived my childhood without completely losing my sense of self was to let my anger & rage protect me against them. In all this time, I always believed my anger was a good thing. It’s protected me, it’s given me the energy & power to get moving and take action in protecting myself in bad situations, and it’s helped me reinforce boundaries whenever they were disregarded.

    Just like the OP in this post, my anger and how I respond when I’m triggered was tearing my relationship apart. I made a vow that I will no longer allow my anger to take-over anymore, and that I would find other alternative ways of behaving when I’m that triggered. As Rori said, I’m getting off that “angry train” and getting on the other one towards love, the Tools, freedom, etc.

    When you do the work, you really do experience everyday miracles. Usually after a fight like this, even though my FI apologized, there would still be a little distance and uncomfortable-ness in the aftermath. But THIS time, I just accepted his apology and told him how much I appreciated it. That was the extent of our conversation. There was NO discussion about how we’ll handle this in the future, his behavior, my behavior, etc. I just know that I am committed to the vow I made to myself and how I will choose to respond in the future. As Rori said, I want to be the safe place for my FI, and be the relaxed, loose, warm, vulnerable, etc. woman she described at the end of this post.

    In 24 hours, my relationship has gone to the next level and we’ve grown even closer since this incident! When my FI came home last night from work, instead of the tense “hello” and distance we normally experience after a fight, I was soft, warm, and open to him. I decided that instead of blaming him, I’m ONLY going to focus on MY own issues and trust him to handle his own issues, without having a long discussion about it. The moment he stepped through the doors and he felt my new “vibe” — it’s weird, I felt a shift inside of him too. It’s like something clicked for him in that moment. He became the warm, loving, super supportive and appreciative fiance I’ve always wanted! It’s so true what Rori said in this post – that men will want to come closer to you when you do this because last night he was so loving, he wanted to everything/anything for me, he couldn’t seem to stop touching me, and even this morning he came up behind me, wrapped me in his arms, kissed the back of my neck and told me just how much he appreciates everything I do! Before he left for work, he kissed me passionately and told me that I was awesome! And no, this isn’t “good behavior” to make-it-up to me for being a jerk. I can truly feel that this is how he’s going to be, and it’s here to stay.

    I am so grateful for Rori, and people like her who are out there teaching people about how to create the life & relationship you want. Who knows where I’d be today if I hadn’t learned any of this! God bless you Rori and the incredible work that you do for me and all the women here! <3<3<3

  458.  #458Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    To add to Mercedes’ 402 – First of all I have no idea what normal is, looks like. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different.

    Some couples enjoy some fireworks now and then. Apparently it can make for some great make up sex.

    In my relationship with K, we have never argued and rarely disagree. And when we do, it’s not something which needs to be negotiated. It all somehow works out, so we both feel happy. We’re both very much flowing kind of people which helps.

    Here is where the work on being open and curious is SO useful.

    I have said this many times, and it’s so important it bears repeating many times over. It’s not the relationship which is difficult. It’s the work on self which can feel hard. YET through this work you both get to heal IF you are both open to it.

    The thing is though, he doesn’t have to be aware that he’s transforming. Often he won’t. And when you are able to love and accept him just as he is right now even if nothing changed at all, you too may not notice the changes until much later. And yes it will feel great to notice this, yet it won’t matter so much either way because you have chosen to love him as he is.

    Another piece to this, and this has come up here before. Not arguing with your man doesn’t necessarily mean things are being swept under the carpet.


  459.  #459Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    So just an update on my situation…

    Last night D said he doesn’t want to speak to me until I get back.

    He said we will talk *AFTER* I get back.

    It did not sound angry or hurtful, frustrated maybe. I knew he needed time to get his head straight, but I found no contact to be too difficult.

    But him saying that last night did not feel bad. It felt as if he was ‘taking charge’ of the situation. It even felt… good? A little?

  460.  #460Indigo on July 3, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    April Rose 337

    What D said last night made me think of this. Of a strong man taking me in hand and saying, I am doing this for your good, and mine.

    And I said ok.

    I love a man who is masculine enough to take control. I realised that it was his way of saying he cared. If he didn’t, he would have just let it all fall apart.

  461.  #461Emerson on July 3, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Hi Heart 🙂
    I totally forgot about CudG…I understand.
    I can try to think of a different name for my CD if it bothers you.

    Elsie, wow thanks for saying that. I kinda agree not throwing it all away yet…I did tell him that once he moves out we can touch base and go from there. He said he understands. Thanks for your feedback on this, after I thought about it I do understand his position, but I also don’t want to get in a situation where he SAYS he is going to move and then never does and months drag by….been there done that. Honestly I will miss seeing him during the next month until he moves but it’s ok. ;-(

    I felt heard and I felt love coming from your post to me…thank you for the reminders…yes more boundaries and more love for Emerson. I can tend to have my defenses up and my third eye on the lookout for deception (It’s not a conscious thing but I notice it later)…

    I need to drop the past and memories of being “burned” and like you said be free and open each moment…this guy was good practice for that…I don’t know why but I felt it was ok I felt safe with him…

    Thanks FW,
    yeah this other CD whom I will call EastSideCD is interesting. We were talking earlier today and I asked him how he felt about marriage and monogamy etc…and his answer was, to me, very strange. He said for the man, one woman, but for the woman, he feels she should be able to explore. (What?) So I asked oh so the wife can sleep with other men? And you would not be jealous? And he said yes she could and no he would not be jealous.

    Umm….I don’t know what to make of this. Confused and actually pretty surprised. Maybe lack of attachement or intimacy? Is that why he wouldn’t be jealous. I’m lost. Any comments sirens?

  462.  #462Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    Liquid Light – 443 – Their relationship might not be what you want for you, yet this may work well for them. Or at least well enough.

    This is your mother’s life, and maybe she’s happy in her own way. Can you try to ease your pain around this in this way? By changing perspective.


  463.  #463Dominique on July 3, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Lisa – 446 – Healing is a life long journey. There isn’t a destination to arrive at, YET the path does get easier, fewer stones to trip on, holes to fall into. And you’re well along the way. You now know your intuition WAS talking to you. You now know to pay more attention going forward. This is HUGE. 🙂


  464.  #464Emerson on July 3, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    405 Andrea
    All I can say is Wow!!!
    You handled that so BRILLIANTLY!!
    I will remember the silence tool!!

    I have a tendency to do whatever it takes to cut the tension instead of being silent and see what happens….also I tend to avalanche my feelings…but I’m getting better…

  465.  #465April Rose on July 3, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    “I would love for us all to evolve to have more compassionate loving relationships and a more compassionate loving society.”

    This involves being more open and accepting of diversity, and different ways of loving. The relationships I have been describing I believe to bring a lot of fulfilment to those involved. More than average, I would guess, because the man is so attentive.

    I’m not saying it’s for everybody. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you.
    I felt like rolling my eyes at your judgement of ‘dysfunctional’. I don’t want my deep desires to be labelled that way.