When You Have To Leave Him Behind

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I’m going to jump off from a letter I received:

Marilyn met a guy at a wedding, who, she found out 5 months into dating him, was married.

True he hadn’t slept with his wife in 10 years, and his wife wants nothing to do with him sexually. According to him, she knows he has sex with other woman and accepts it.

However, he feels guilty leaving her, as she’s ill, loves her as a friend, and enjoys her company.

Marilyn opened up to him, told him her feelings were growing and that she felt scared because her feelings were growing (using great Feeling Messages).

He said he missed her when he wasn’t with her, and had “bonded” with her quickly.

She still Circular Dated (yay for Marilyn!) – but preferred this married guy.

Right after the heart-to-heart, he withdrew for 2 months – and Marilyn handled it well, kept busy and dating, and all contact stopped – until he called again and wanted to meet.

They met, it was friendly, he kissed her, nothing more, and they talked more deeply about their feelings for each other. They met once again – and Marilyn was firm with him about nothing happening with him until and unless he’d left his wife and was ready to commit to her.

The problem is – it all sounds good.

Marilyn said all the right things, and held to her “boundaries” – but she still says she’s a “junkie” for the guy and that he has a hold on her ever since the beginning…

My answer to this is so simple, and hard as it is, everyone needs to keep hearing it – including me.

The answer is that this has to be over for you, or it will hamstring you in your desire to get to the next level in your love life.

Marilyn doesn’t have to “let go” of the guy in some way that isn’t working for her, but she needs to keep moving forward emotionally, without him.

Energy is a powerful thing, and when you’re “hung up” on one man emotionally (even handling it “well”…) it makes it that much more difficult for any other man to “energetically” get through to you.

A man has to choose. He simply has to. And – so do we.

An unavailable man is just that – unavailable.

And this man (and men like him – though they may be decent and kind and good and nice and loving) – is unavailable by CHOICE.

Even though his choice makes no sense to us – he’s still choosing it.

Often, a man will stay with a woman who is hateful to him. Where there is NO sex. And hasn’t been for years and years.

He’ll complain about her, and be embarrassed and sheepish, and make you think he wants something MORE. Something YOU can give him!

He’ll stay with a woman who cheats on him, or leave her and talk trash about her to every new woman he meets.

He’ll make you think he wants a woman who’s the OPPOSITE of the woman he has, or had. That he wants YOU to be True-Blue and loving, and sexy and fun.

When, really, he’s comfortable with what he has or had.

Not only is he comfortable with it – he’s ATTRACTED to it!

Unless you’re okay with polyamory (and this is a totally valid, exciting, and great way to live your life if it works for you) – you have to choose between men based on things other than just “chemistry.”

And a man has to choose 100% to be with one woman and “forsake all others.” That’s just the way it is.

And sometimes it takes time, and sometimes a man simply cannot make that choice.

Being a Siren helps push him over the edge. Giving a man the safety, appreciation, ease, warmth, all-encompassing acceptance for who he is exactly as he is – right now – pushes him over the edge.

But it’s the same as the age-old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

No matter how obvious it is that a man should be with you – it doesn’t mean he will.

His inner workings may be not-understandable to anyone, including him – and yet they still may be running him.

Change is so difficult for some people that they would rather live in misery than take a chance on something new.

Fear is tricky, and change requires a belief in ourselves – and a belief in the kind and beneficent nature of the Universe as well – that’s often beyond the courage we can muster.

If you encounter a man who’s stuck – instead of trying to dig him out, try accepting his stuckness, seeing that it’s possibly mirroring a kind of stuckness of your OWN, and just moving on to the next unknowable moment.

Forgive him, forgive yourself for anything or any thought or belief or judgment you’re holding onto, and just float into the next moment with your arms and your heart open wide.

If you like, try gathering your desire for what you want for your life, and see how it can possibly overpower your desire for a particular man.

Gather your desire together, feel it’s strength, and harness it for your brave ride into the unknown.

You don’t have to “let go” of a man who can’t ride with you (or doesn’t want to) – just feel your desire lift you up and carry you onward.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Scary thought

  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 6:58 am

    “I know that relationship is part history, part chemistry, part experience…many things. But mostly it’s moments.
    It’s just being in moments, in the same space (even if you’re not in the same physical place) sharing something.

    It can even be a silence. With nothing going on. But you’re both there.

    When you can breathe, when you can feel that you can say anything, when you feel like yourself and not full of unsaid stuff – that’s when you’re with a man who can be a partner to you.

    A man who can share emotional and energetic space with you – even if you have nothing at all in common.”

  3.  #3Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Giving a man the safety, appreciation, ease, warmth, all-encompassing acceptance for who he is exactly as he is – right now – pushes him over the edge.

  4.  #4Tam on July 12, 2012 at 8:30 am

    ‘ a man who can share emotional and energetic space with you’ – does this mean even if he can’t express it? what is you feel you have that and you sense he feels it too, by his actions – but he can’t verbalise it?
    some men are good at verbalising even when you don’t feel their love as such, and others never seem to open up yet the do things for you, with you, and to be close to you and you can feel the love.
    How much importance does one put on words, because presumably some things have to be put into words to be ‘real’ and have a meaning.

  5.  #5Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Go out this weekend and interact with at least four men. Alternatively, take the man you already have and try four questions:

    1. You seem like an expert. Can you answer this question for me?
    If he loves it, he is a King.

    2. You seem like a powerful man. What made you so powerful?
    If he loves it, he is a Warrior. If he acts confused like he doesn’t understand, he is not.

    3. Just start clapping. When he responds with a performance or joke, he is a magician, and if he needs to ask why you clap, say “Clapping for whatever you are ABOUT to do!” Then when he loves performing, he is a Magician.

    4. Tell him he seems like he’s travelled and has stories to tell or has depth of feeling. If he tells a story and loves this, he is a Lover.

    Next, find out what his career is. If you find something in it to truly admire, do so, express it, and you will have already sewn the seeds of COMMITMENT in HIS mind.

    Dr. Paul DoBransky

  6.  #6Emoticon on July 12, 2012 at 8:46 am


  7.  #7Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Interesting comment from Michael Fiore

    You don’t have to buy a bunch of sexy lingerie (though there’s nothing wrong with doing that if you want.)

    Nope, if you want your guy to become sexually
    and emotionally addicted to you, all you have to do is learn to TALK DIRTY and make love to his mind.

    I’ve said this a lot, but a man’s number one erogenous zone isn’t in his pants, it’s in his head . . .

    Guys live in a state of perpetual sexual fantasy.

    And we all dream of meeting a woman who really understands our sexual buttons and knows how to push them in a really powerful way.

  8.  #8Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 9:18 am


    575 from the last thread https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/relationship-tsunami-are-you-immune-from-an-affair/comment-page-12/#comment-227611

    You said, “Some guys have told me I’m really hard to approach… and that I can be really intimidating. Mmmm I have a really strong personality. Is that because of my “masculine energy”?”

    That is what it sounds like. If I got comments like that, I would try to be aware my inner feelings as I go thru my day. I would focus on the feeling in my pelvis; belly; and shoulders. Rori says those are the main focal points to get in touch with your inner self. At a moment when I am with a new man, do I feel tense? tight? scared?

  9.  #9Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 9:22 am


    5 – I really like this. I feel confused…on number one, what is the question?

    “1. You seem like an expert. Can you answer this question for me?
    If he loves it, he is a King.”

  10.  #10Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Whatever question that you have; to test if he is a King.

  11.  #11Annie on July 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I get what Michael is saying I feel positive that will not get him to commit and have a heart and soul connection though.

    What do you think?

  12.  #12Annie on July 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Felt good recently when dancing with two different men

    The first said he was honored that I was dancing with him for the last dance of the night as I had my pick of anyone in the room and I chose him.

    And the second said he felt privileged to dance with me.

    It felt good to hear those things. 🙂

  13.  #13Starla on July 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

    haha, CL got all squirrelly and nervous, sent me an email asking if he scared me off (cuz i wasn’t answering his emails), and as I was writing him back to tell him i don’t want to email someone a lot that i haven’t met yet, he called me! So i answered, and we made firm plans for Sunday, hooray! No directing him necessary. Leaning back is the best.

  14.  #14Annie on July 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

    If a man is still complaining about his ex being a bitch and other women who he knows as bitches, does that mean that he is still attracted to bitches? Even if the girlfriend he has now he describes as a good woman.

    Is he still stuck?
    My instinct feels this is the case. And he is still hung up on the ex. Even though she hurt him terribly had him beaten up

  15.  #15Annie on July 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Yayyy to starla 🙂

  16.  #16Smile on July 12, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Sirens I leant forward to ask strumming man about his invite to the wedding. I had helped scripting this from Daria and esteemed. He replied that he really wanted to come and he was asking for time off work and that he would let me know Tuesday. That was 2 days ago and I’ve still not heard anything from him.

    I need to RSVP to the invite ASAP and he knows this. Should I find strength to reply no… And decide for him? Would this be the siren thing to do rather than feel like I’m waiting… 🙁

  17.  #17Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

    What a beautiful article! It feels relevant in light of the beautiful text and phone conversation R and I had last night. We covered all deep topics last night, and I feel so connected with him! I especially like this that Rori wrote:

    “If you encounter a man who’s stuck – instead of trying to dig him out, try accepting his stuckness, seeing that it’s possibly mirroring a kind of stuckness of your OWN, and just moving on to the next unknowable moment.

    Forgive him, forgive yourself for anything or any thought or belief or judgment you’re holding onto, and just float into the next moment with your arms and your heart open wide.”

    Except I am reading that as in our current relationship. I made mistakes in the past, where R did NOT feel all-encompassing acceptance. I am trying to correct that now. We really made some headway!!!

  18.  #18Starla on July 12, 2012 at 10:21 am

    This article feels super relevant to me. It feels comforting to see other women going through the same kind of thing I went through — you know he just adores you on so many levels, but he can’t do it. he’s run by his “stuff” and he doesn’t even know what that “stuff” is. love and forgiveness to all men.

  19.  #19Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 10:33 am


    15 – I would definitely not lean forward a second time by following up. On the one hand, it is entirely possible that it just slipped his mind. But what I have learned, both thru Rori’s programs and experience, that in a developing relationship (and usually in an established relationship even!), it is NOT about the event…it is about the relationship.

    I would either tell the RSVP people only one, or I would explain my situation in feeling messages:

    “I feel unsure of whether a friend will be with me, so I guess I will have to say only one.”

  20.  #20Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 10:41 am


    I hope to hear that he comes thru and it all works out. In case he doesn’t get back to you until the last minute, and you’ve already RSVP’ed one, I would say, “Oh, I feel so disappointed! I hadn’t heard from you, and I felt pressed to give them an answer.”

    I wonder if you could make arrangements with the wedding planners to change your response to two at the last moment if he comes thru? Maybe they could accommodate you. That way you would feel safe not leaning forward.

  21.  #21Dominique on July 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Tam – #4 “presumably some things have to be put into words to be ‘real’ and have a meaning.”

    Not true, not true at all. Words can feel wonderful. Words can feel awful, but often words are just puff s of air with absolutely no meaning whatsoever. It’s totally and completely about the actions. It’s in the look in his eyes when he sees you, the touch of his hands when he caresses you, the way he is with you, how he takes care of you.


  22.  #22Linda on July 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I dont know what I did or what I said but I have had a man actually tell say to me. “You speak to the King in me”. I wish I knew what that meant.


    THe article for this thread feels familiar. If a man cant or wont make a commitment, then he wont and we gotta get our energy out of there. Making boundries and keeping them is key!


  23.  #23Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Wow, I still feel in warm wonder about my conversation with R last night! It goes deeper and deeper!!!

    He is opening up more than ever, and we are getting along great! I was half asleep half the time, because I kept falling asleep and waking up, throughout the night, from about 10 pm to 6:30 am! I think he was up all night, and then he went for a walk at 6:30 am.

    When we were on the phone earlier, I had said, “I felt deep pain in my heart more often than not throughout the time we have known each other.”

    I felt amazed that he took it in stride!

    Later he wrote, “I think we’re getting along ok now. Just be yourself. I know you still have a hard time trusting me. ”

    I responded, “I will. Time is a healer.”

    He just said “Cool” in response. He also asked again how can I treat you better?

    And again I said, “I really miss you and would enjoy spending time with you in person.” He said ok. He said, “Believe me when I tell you that I never tried to hurt you or manipulate you in any way.”

    Also, it felt so good when he told me I am a lovely lady and I am wonderful!!!!!!!!

  24.  #24Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 10:58 am

    You want to be able to recognize that people are flawed, everyone of us. Your man too. He’s not so much thoughtless as absentminded. He’s not so much clueless as preoccupied. He can seem insensitive or uncaring. He can seem any number of things which may can also cause you to jump to judgment. And most of the time, if this man is a good man, the man for you, it will be none of these things. It will be him being himself, just as you are. He too can be a negative feeling being, a self-absorbed, distracted creature, just like you. As long as it’s not the dominant mode or a habitual pattern, he’s just being human. Can you let most of these things go?


  25.  #25Tam on July 12, 2012 at 11:07 am

    20 Dominique, that is interesting to read. Thank you.

  26.  #26Smile on July 12, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Esteemed, thankyou.

    I do not intend to lean forward again, Im working up the strength to reply that I will be attending without him, deep down I know this is what I should do but there is that part of me to wait as long as possible. The wedding is in a few weeks and so I dOnt think they would be able to accommodate him any later than this due to table planning. They have been good to me waiting this long. I am happy to go by myself though, that’s fine.

    It was useful for the reminder too to concentrate on the relationship and not ‘events’ thank you again

  27.  #27Smile on July 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

    23- femininewoman

    I am trying to tell myself a different story that he hasn’t replied because he is preoccupied. Like esteemed suggested in post 18, it might have slipped him mind.

    Thankyou for this post.

  28.  #28Smile on July 12, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Esteemed- ‘I hope to hear that he comes thru’

    Thankyou for this 🙂 I’m switching back to positive!

  29.  #29Dominique on July 12, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Femininewoman – I want to acknowledge you and let you know that you absolutely astound me. You are SO on top of everything, ready with quotes and paragraphs and entire articles from the best…

    Thank you.


  30.  #30Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Smile what if you reply 2 and don’t lean forward? Then tell your friend that he is tentative. If he said he really wanted to attend why not just believe him and then let it go? If he doesn’t attend you had no expectatins anyway. Right? What do you think?

  31.  #31Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 11:31 am

    Dominique thank you. One of my passions is reading.

  32.  #32Smile on July 12, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Feminine woman- this is a good idea. I dont doubt that he wanted to go but he was unsure as he would have to book time off work. He thought he would no by tues if he could take the day off work.

    Instead of telling myself he hasn’t replied yet because he doesn’t want to, I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t have am answer as he is still waiting to see if he can have the day off.

    Your right, I should reply that it he is tentative due to unknowing about his work situation…

  33.  #33Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Smile – To me that would be leaving the door open for him if things work out. He doesn’t have to know you did this. It will also get you clear on what you are willing to surrender to, if you feel propelled in your energy to contact him just because you “need” to know. Also it will give you an opportunity to know how he responds to such things regardless of how it works out.

  34.  #34Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    “Relax your body in bits and pieces, shoulders first, then thoughts to pelvis, then relax your vagina and expand it sideways – then move around your body and breathe – and see if you can blend this awareness of your body with an awareness of the sound of birds calling outside the window, or the hum of your computer.

    And how does this change your relationship with a man?

    Because your entire “vibe” changes when you do this. You become soft and calm, and so much stronger on the inside.”

  35.  #35Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 12:09 pm


    You’re welcome! You sound like you are on the right path with this, even tho I am sure it is hard. I have felt disappointed many times over with men in similar situations, especially R.

    I try to focus on when I really get that golden relationship, where we flow together like the ebb of the ocean water and mist…

  36.  #36Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    This is harsh.

  37.  #37Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Oh Lord,

    Please bring to me the man of my life so I can get this man out of my chest!

    Now I feel sad. I feel stuck.

  38.  #38Tam on July 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    There is so much great advice here today.
    Through working through my issues I feel so positive about men all of a sudden, like someone is a good guy until proven otherwise.
    I used to be judgmental and believe the opposite.

    Now I have asked Mr U twice to let it go, our friendship, because I want to move on. And he just merrily ignored it twice and is clearly worried, and mentioned my health twice, that I must take care of my head and body and not risk getting sick at this difficult time in my life. I can’t help but feel warm and grateful when I read his little notes that are so factual and about daily stuff…and totally ignoring me trying to push him away. I give up trying to push him away now, he’ll not have it anyway. It’s so nice in a way.

  39.  #39Smile on July 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Femininewoman / Esteemed

    I’m surprising myself on how relaxed and leaned back I feel about this now from your advice. I want to remain open and in the moment.

    I too am focusing On the golden relationship, this would feel a blissful place to be.

  40.  #40Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm


    8 – I don’t know how to do what you’re saying. I don’t even feel anything, sometimes I don’t even realize a guy is trying to pursue me. And I don’t try to be hard to approach.

  41.  #41Shar lean way back on July 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Could “Mel” in the last thread be a different Mel? That just doesn’t sound like it would be Mel and Mr. A?

  42.  #42Tam on July 12, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Guess I just don’t know how to communicate from now. I don’t know what to answer when he tells me about all the stuff he fixes….and his plans to move to Europe etc. It doesn’t inspire communication for me. Hm

  43.  #43Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    I need time.. I need space. I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I went for a massage and it felt great, but I’m getting stressed out again. I don’t like this thread. I feel hurt.

  44.  #44Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    And I’m crying

  45.  #45Brandylion on July 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    When I was in the shower this morning, I was thinking about returning to school. My department chair disagrees that the teaching methodology I’ve learned through this program is actually superior to traditional physics instruction, and I imagined him congratulating me on not having to come back to AZ anymore.

    I burst into tears at that thought. I don’t have to come back to AZ anymore, in real life or in my memories. I can choose to think about something else every time thoughts of last summer and the start of my relationship with PriestCD come up (or anything from my relationship with him, really), but denying those memories is denying one of the happiest times of my life. I just don’t know how to divorce the happy feelings from my memories of him.

    I read this blog post before I got in the shower this morning, and it really struck a chord with me. I have to leave him behind, in every way. I’ve had Jordin Sparks’ “Tattoo” running through my head ever since, since part of the lyrics are, “I’ve got to be strong and leave you behind.” There are a whole lot of lyrics in that song that are applicable to how I feel right now.

    My best friend said that, while the physical break-up happened months ago, the emotional break-up is happening for me right now. She’s right. This is the last cutting of ties and emotional attachment, and choosing not to involve him in any aspect of my life, not even my thoughts and memories.

    I will miss his friendship. I don’t have a lot of close friends, and it just felt so good to have someone else to talk to regularly, someone else to bear witness to my life and with whom to share at least a few significant pieces of it.

  46.  #46Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    He doesn’t even try to be my friend.

    I don’t even have a choice to reject him.

    He cut me out of his life.

    He doesn’t care

    He doesn’t care

    He doesn’t care

    And it hurts.

    It hurts so much.

    It hurts too much.

  47.  #47FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Well, I finally started going to work out in the pool in the morning…and I feel pretty good. I just have to keep it up and make it a real habit.

    Starla…you’ve been a real inspiration to me in this area. Whenever I feel like not going, I remind myself that I want to be like you and start loving myself more and love my body. I am doing the “love to me—love to me–forgiveness to me.”

    I hope this doesn’t offend anyone—but every night when I get undressed for bed, I look at myself in the mirror and try to see my body as beautiful…EVEN THOUGH I need to lose a few pounds and get rid of some bulges and lumps (you know…like ‘under the bra back fat’ and ‘muffin top.’) If I can love it WITH the “extras” then I will continue to love it when it starts to change.

    It really helps to not be wearing any clothing at all when I do this—then there is nothing that looks like it’s “too tight” or “should be smaller” etc. Love to me…love to me….forgiveness to me 😉

    Brenda…in the last thread (and you’ve mentioned this several times before, also) you talk about your POP and what you’d love to do vs. what you are trained for.

    I think a lot of people who are living their dream and making enough money to live on doing it–had to keep their “not perfect” job for practical reasons, while starting their POP job on a part time basis. And eventually things develop and grow until there is enough income from the POP job—-and then they are able to let go of the job they aren’t thrilled to be doing.

    I don’t think it’s an ‘all or nothing’ situation. Does that make sense? <3

  48.  #48Smile on July 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm


    Where are your dislike feelings about the thread coming from?

    Feeling your pain

    It’s all part of the journey, it’s hard, I empathise

  49.  #49Dominique on July 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Tam – “a good guy until proven otherwise.”

    yes, yes, yes!!!


  50.  #50Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm


    Because I have to leave him behind. I want to but I can’t. I feel stuck. My body resists. It still hurts.

  51.  #51FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    (((((Mel))))) I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time (last thread.) I believe what FW was talking about is on the right track.

    The only way I was able to turn things around with my late fiance was to give him the space to feel (and talk about when he was ready) what he was going through and how he felt.

    He was man of VERY FEW words. And, so I talked a LOT (way too much!) and I see, now, how that made him just shut right down and also avoid me. (I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing at all—I’m just sharing my experience.)

    There were literally YEARS where we fought and argued and I felt like he was this awful monster of a man. After I started learning from Rori is when I was able to pull back, lean back and let him be himself without feeling bad about it. I realized how not accepting my own ‘stuff’ was at the root of a lot of our problems and arguments. He actually accepted things about me that I couldn’t accept or love about myself.

    Does he actually SAY things about your weight? Or is that something that bothers YOU and you’re sensitive about it?

    Talk to us… <3

  52.  #52CurvySiren10 on July 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    40 Shar, I thought the same thing. The more I read it, the more I agree. It just doesn’t sound like her at all, does it?

  53.  #53Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    SharLean you might just be right. It seemed odd that Mel would pop in about Mr. A. and just disappear without responding to any of the comments to her. That is not her pattern.

  54.  #54FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    FW #2….I love what you posted, here. It brings tears to my eyes, as it is EXACTLY how our relationship was. We had very little in common except for our life together, but being with him was ‘home’ to me and he felt the same and told me so, often.

    We could be together for long periods of time without talking. It just felt right to be near each other and ‘know.’

    I miss him terribly and have fears that I’ll never find another man who I’ll feel this way with (and that will feel the same about me.) I’m sure it’s part of the grieving process, but it does worry me. It’s like I don’t really WANT another man. I want him 🙁

    I’m just talking here, sharing and letting it out.

    Thanks for listening…

  55.  #55Smile on July 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Jasmine- I felt this at first too but now I feel uplifted. I took the time to hurt and then gradually I started to heal.

    It’s a process and doesn’t happen over night. I made it my mission to read as much as possible and to feel as much as possible.

  56.  #56Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm


    I am trying my hardest but I can’t let go of a “hope” that only exists in my mind. I need to clear up my head. I need to let go.

    Thank you for your empathy. I appreciate it.

  57.  #57Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm


    39 – Here is where your work really begins…getting in touch with your feelings!

    Rori did the coolest exercise in one of her programs, Commitment Blueprint. She had various, every day objects up front, and she had one woman come up at a time, and gave them each a different object.

    One girl held a rose, and Rori asked her what feelings came up in her by touching the rose? I felt awed as the woman started weeping! I don’t recall the full details, but see how powerful that was? A simple rose could emote weeping!

    I wonder what she thought of? Was she recalling an old boyfriend who had given her a rose? Was she longing that a man would give her a rose? We have all sorts of emotions attached to sooo many things!

    If I were you, I would take a nice little walk out in nature! I would hug a tree, feeling its rough bark, feeling its solidness in the ground, sitting at its trunk and letting it support my weight through my back. Maybe take a journal with me, and write moment by moment what I feel when I experience each of those every day sensations.

    I would visualize myself with that tree, imagining that the tree was the man I love, letting him support my weight, feeling his strength beside me…what feelings does that emote?

    I would envision myself sinking into the tree trunk, grounding me to the earth. I would feel what it feels like to be one with the tree, one with the earth, feeling part of nature. How does each of those things make me feel?

    If you start to cry in the midst of experimenting with feelings with objects, allow yourself to let those feelings come up fully, without pushing them down.

    Then I would go to the next object along the way…a leaf, a pond, a twig, a blade of grass, a worm…whatever you want to pick up and explore your tender feelings with no inhibitions.

    Step 2? Try this exercise while in the presence of a man… 🙂

  58.  #58Pamelala on July 12, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Well, I’m back from my 2 1/2 week vacation. During my time away, K called 2-3 times a day and texted once or twice a day just to be sweet. He really came through and let me know that he is pursuing me.

    When I got home, he had a small “inside joke” gift waiting for me and a lovely card in which he shared his heart.

    I’m smitten with this guy! Upside…I feel so amazing when I am with him. Downside…I’ve been leaning forward because I feel like there is so much to lose.

    I’m disappointed with my response. I keep asking things like, “So, are we getting together tonight or no?” or “I know you have a busy day today, can I bring you dinner?” I’m so frustrated with myself. I can feel his awakening ambivalence as he knows that I get off work at 4, but asked me to come over (we meet at his house because my son is not ready for K to be hanging around at our house) at 6 instead of directly after work (usually he wants to see me as soon as possible) – he’s wanting space. He wants to be the pursuer!

    I’ve been catching myself leaning forward the last two days and I’ve been trying to stop myself, but I think I needed to confess it here in order to take it’s power away.

    I’m hormonal and that’s not helping (((my hormones))) but I WILL lean back with K tonight.

    He is going on a 3 day business trip and I WILL lean back while he’s gone. I’m planning to clean my house top to bottom, download some new workout music and get myself a pedicure so I can feel at peace in my home, excited to nurture and care for my body and feel beautiful and sireny when he returns. Yay!

    (((((((my fears and anxiety))))))) (((((((K – he’s such a beautiful surprise and blessing to me)))))))

    (((((((Sirens))))))) Thanks for your prayers during the fire.

  59.  #59Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Jasmine- may I share something with you…

    I am 28. My first relationship was from 14-24. That’s 10 years at a very young age. We lived together, we were best friends. We shared mutual friends. His family was my family.

    This relationship ended 3 years ago. The pain I felt was excruciating. My whole world came crashing down.

    3 years on, I’m writing on a blog not about this man but about another guy!

    What I’m trying to say is the pain eases with time. This is just my experience.

    I now realise actually how cr*p that relationship was. I’ve set my sights much higher, I want more for myself. But it took all the pain to realise this.

    Take this time to focus on you

    I read earlier, having your heart broken opens it up so you can receive more love.

  60.  #60Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Esteemed you are so helpful. Only by reading that I could feel a little more relaxed. You’re soft and caring. But I wonder… why in front of a man?

  61.  #61Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:12 pm


    I know… you are right. I’ve been through heartache before (although not as intense) and time has been the only cure. And it’s so funny the way you look at it once you’re over it. I know it will be over and I might not care in the future… but the mean time is painful. And I might recover little by little but I’ll have to see him again in a few weeks, every single day, and I’m afraid of breaking down again after putting so much effort now.

  62.  #62Shar lean way back on July 12, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Whew! Relieved to think it is probably not Mel and Mr. A.

  63.  #63Brandylion on July 12, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Oh, he finally changed his relationship status on Facebook. It didn’t quite feel like a punch to the gut like I’d expected, but I still feel shaky. It’s somehow more real, now, just how much he’s moved on.

    I’m not going to block him from my newsfeed, but he can go on the Acquaintances list so I don’t ever see them.

  64.  #64Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Jasmine- when you do see him, hold your head up high, laugh and smile!!!

    Smile is my word lol, it works a treat! In all situations not just relationships

  65.  #65Turquoise on July 12, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I don’t think it’s our Mel either. I remember last year her saying she was slim and had a nice figure, weight was never an issue for her.

  66.  #66Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Yep. A ballerina.

  67.  #67Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:24 pm


    Lol. I do smile. And ignore. But he usually gets close to me when he sees me and I don’t want to pretend to be happy around him when I need him to stay away.

  68.  #68Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm


    I mean…

    I don’t want to tell him “hey stay away cause I’m hurting”. I don’t want him to know I have feelings for him. But I don’t want to pretend to be his friend like he always tries to do. Which I hope he doesn’t.

    I hope I know how to handle it.

  69.  #69Brandylion on July 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    His chapter in my life really is over, and now I have to muster the courage to turn the page.

  70.  #70Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Jasmine- I know what you mean. It’s hard. This is where you work roris tools. My biggest advice is to fill your life up! When you meet, my advice would to be not to talk about the relationship…. If he tries to talk about it say” that’s a bit serious for the moment, let’s talk about that another time” this advice comes from Bob grant lol it’s not really my advice.

  71.  #71Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Also when you smile and laugh, the intention here is not to flirt lol!

  72.  #72Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Jasmine- you could say the friendship script about not being friends when you still have feelings for him and would be wanting a relationship… Maybe other sirens would be best to help you with this…

  73.  #73Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm


    Actually he never talks about the relationship. He just tries to be my “friend”. Then he would want to get closer… and closer… and then it becomes bs. I don’t want to go pass saying hi and bye.

    Hahahah that was funny. I’m actually flirty by nature, I don’t try to!! But I know what you mean. I do show myself confident, happy.

  74.  #74Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I don’t know what that friendship script is…:/

  75.  #75Smile on July 12, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    It’s something like ” I can’t be your friend as I would be wanting a relationship from you”

    You shouldn’t be off, cool or distant with him. You should remain open but be clear about your wants and desires. This is where communicating with feeling messages comes in.

    For now practise feeling messages on here, with friends etc.

  76.  #76Layla on July 12, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I love this post! I love that Rori didn’t judge the woman for being with a married man. I love that Rori didn’t respond by telling her that the guy is probably lying to her. She just focused on the woman in the post, her feelings her life about moving forward. I love this line “floating into the next unknowable moment”. That’s what I’m tring to do – forgive myself and others. Having faith that God the Universe has so many wonderful things in store for me.

  77.  #77Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 1:56 pm


    59 – You’re welcome…What I mean is when, for example, I am with R, I try to stay present with my emotions in the moment…in relation to HIM. Instead of feeling feelings around an object, I am connecting with my deepest feelings around this man!

    Here are some examples from last night, texting with R:

    R: Love making is sooo beautiful!

    B: Yesss! I have yearned for it all my life.

    R: I think it will be a thousand times better when you finally get it.

    B: I totally agree! I love to think about it…harmonious hearts.

    R: Wanna talk about it?

    B: Sure, I relish the thought of moving as one…being in love…feeling totally safe…

    R: I like two hearts intermingling.

    B: yeah, me too. Beautiful thought.

    R: I love giving a woman oral sex.

    B: It’s an expression of feelings, not merely physical sensation. And that makes the physical sensation 1000 times more beautiful, as you said.

    R: Yea. I love the soft touch of a woman’s skin.

    B: I love the way you touched my skin.

    R: Thank you 🙂

    B: The pleasure is all mine, LOL…

    R: LOL hahaha

    …and it went on, and it got even more personal, LOL!

  78.  #78Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 2:08 pm


    66 – I don’t understand…why do you need him to stay away, when you love him?

  79.  #79Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 2:15 pm


    67 – Ok, reading more of your posts and seeing more where you are coming from. This is another case where I would try to open my heart. Here is what Rori said in the teleclass, from my raw notes:

    Sarah – What want to say no to. Feel conflicted, agitated. Want him to like me and be a boyfriend, but I feel resentful and angry when he asks me to help write a proposal. Saying no never busted a relationship. The feelings we harbor behind the yeses and nos are the problem. If following a man’s direction and you don’t want to go, but you say yes, if you can go but don’t want to leave dog at home so don’t know what to say. Wonderful except if you’re not feeling right. Get as lined up with what you most feel as possible.

    He has encouraged her to date other people, although they were intimate in the past. Connection with him is making you yearn, and he does not want what you want. He cannot be right for you if he is not trying to tear off your clothes. That has got to happen first. He has got to want to. He has got to want to be around you. Very basic, guttural, male animal stuff. That is not happening, He just wants friendship. It will eat up your spirit. Say no to this whole relationship.

    Man: Will you help me?
    Sarah: I feel completely confused, and no, I don’t feel good about helping you right now.

    Man: Oh, but what’s wrong?

    Sarah: I could say I’m really busy, but that wouldn’t feel like the truth.

    Man: I don’t understand what you’re saying to me.

    Sarah: I have strong feelings for you, way above and beyond friendship. So I it would feel best to stay out of contact a little bit.

    Staying in contact is not serving you. Mental energy expended is keeping you from your true love. He’s not going to leave the planet. This is addictive behavior here. When you have the hots for someone and your oxytocin is kicking it, you are addicted to him.

    Jasmine, I used these words in February with R, when i felt pushed away. It is not HIDING your feelings, but letting him know your feelings are so strong that you can’t deal with just a surfacey friendship. How do you feel about this?

  80.  #80FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Yes….I guess it didn’t really sound like the same Mel. I was thinking of that while I was typing, but it just didn’t dawn on me.

  81.  #81Smile on July 12, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Esteemed this is exactly what I was trying to explain with the no friendship script, thank you for expanding

  82.  #82Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 2:54 pm


    I can’t help being cold and resentful. I don’t try to but I don’t feel comfortable being around him when I feel like this. And I feel that if I let him know I still have feelings after having no contact this time, it’s going to be a sign of weakness. I don’t want to feed his ego. I already exposed myself too much. That’s how I feel about being soft and open.

  83.  #83Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm


    76 – I do love him but being close to him does not good to me at all.

    I really liked the openness on the example you showed me, but I would feel awkward and extremely vulnerable telling him I have strong feelings for him when he has none. The last time I told him I still loved me he said “I don’t understand how you could still have feelings for me”. It hurt. I don’t want to show my feelings anymore. I rather keep them to myself.

  84.  #84Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Jasmine you can help it. It is a choice. At twice your age and more I am now learning to do this. It feels like power. Just try it just to see. Trust me, men have big egos. You feeding it is just an argument we use to keep our walls up. When I shared like that it felt like I had turned around to face myself after running away from myself for so long.

  85.  #85Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm


    He shows no compassion whenever I open up. I feel worse whenever I give and don’t receive. I really don’t know anymore. I’m not ready to have any contact with him.

  86.  #86Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    I really appreciate your support Sirens, you are just wonderful.

  87.  #87Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Giving to get is controlling and really isn’t true love. Remember this is about you and speaking your truth to a man. But you don’t have to do it unit you feel ready.

  88.  #88Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm


    You make a good point. I didn’t think that was controlling.

  89.  #89Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    When we give to get sometimes we sacrifice ourselves, expecting something in return. When it doesn’t happen we feel angry and resentful.

  90.  #90Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm


    Yeah. It’s happened to me all the time for the last seven months.

  91.  #91Brandylion on July 12, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    My best friend reminded me that I don’t have to make decisions about the whole future of my friendship with PriestCD today, that it’s okay if we are not friends today, as long as I feel good about that–and I do–and it’s also okay if at some point in the future we are actually friends. That won’t happen without him putting in some effort to maintain the friendship, though.

    My bestie and I can both share everything, even our deepest and most scary emotions, with each other and it’s not draining because we both put in effort to sustain the friendship and to support each other even though we live hundreds of miles apart. We could not regularly share the heavy stuff if we weren’t also regularly sharing the light stuff too, with both of us spending time listening as well as sharing and both of us texting and calling.

    Friendships–h3ll, relationships–where only one person puts in the effort do feel draining, and I choose not to be in draining relationships.

  92.  #92FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    “Friendships–h3ll, relationships–where only one person puts in the effort do feel draining, and I choose not to be in draining relationships.”

    I think of this like what happens when one person does “all the rowing”—you just go around in circles and get dizzy. :-p

  93.  #93lk on July 12, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    i seriously find it disturbing, yet encouraging, that cd requires that i say EXACTLY what i want. NO HINTS. NO SUGGESTIONS. exactly what i want ! & then he can do it. otherwise, why would he chase around things that may or may not make me happy ? he’s only going to do or fix something if i tell him that is What I Want.

    BLAHHHHH i feel like cutting my chest open & releasing all the dust, cobwebs, & bats

    fly away ! shoo ! no one wants your blood-hungry grief around here !

    belief: i’m “less than” other girls my age

    why ? (((lk))) everyone’s mean to me :((( is that because you were a pain in the rear end when you were little ? & you didn’t know how else to be, so you just said, F it. i’m doing OK & i can’t change all the other kids ? …. (((lk))) i don’t really think that school “should” have put you in with that group. i think it was kind of a bad idea (((lk))) of course they thought you were an outsider…. you were. you got special privileges & everything was always “different” for you …….. because you were “better” LOL……. but OMGGGGG……. it felt horrible. i had friends, but even they “teased” me….. i was The Smart Kid…. like, forever. & high school…….. even though i have NEVER. been a “i don’t share my notes” kind of kid….. & the other type-A ladies (heyyyy girls) HXTED me & were like super vicious LOL…… all the girls who “told” (???) on me for being a “slxt” ???? ARE YOU JOKING. it wasn’t until like 3 years later till i had my first kiss…. & the girl who “started it” ?????? SHE lost her “vxrginity” to 2 PEOPLE in the same night ! i didn’t “drink” until i graduated high school ! EFF EVERYONE DON’T BE SO MEAN.

    & NOW of course i am an actual frxeak & a fxck up : ))))) SO MAKE FUN ALL YOU WANT. lol. jeez lk. you’re ok. do you really have an issue ? i know. “everyone thinks you’re a loser” that’s why you did all that “OCD” bxllshxt too. i know. i remember trying to “explain” because I KNEW what i was doing….. & that terrible weirdo therapist being like, “why don’t you start counting squirts of lotion ? ” why don’t you start being obsessed with your weight ? ” you should hxte yourself if you ever get less than 100% on something ” LOL cuz she was all Effed in the brain…. lol….. she’s still a weirdo ! she lives in my parents’ ‘hood & she’s a MEAN OLD LADY LOL they shouldn’t let her be alone with young girls. & the whole time i was just like, “I’m just trying to do everything right so that people will stop telling me i’m wrong” (((lk))) i don’t care. this isn’t real. it is real. i do care (((lk))) love you, love the world… (((lk)))

  94.  #94lk on July 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm


  95.  #95Jilly on July 12, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    I was wondering the same thing when I read Mel’s post…it just doesn’t sound like Mel…

  96.  #96Starla on July 12, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    lk, you’re the rockinest. i’m happy to know you and i don’t think you’re less than ______(anything)______. Just sayin’!

  97.  #97Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm


    75 – That conversation was so sweet!! He’s talking more now, before you used to send him open-ended texts and now he talks by himself. I’m happy for you!!

  98.  #98Tam on July 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    I got pinged on messenger by Mr U tonight and it was not a nice feel good conversation at all, not sure as to why.
    I felt it was very cool from his side and I did my best to stay in feeling messages but it was difficult, he kind of shut me down. As I was just about to go to bed and made my feeling known, he wrote ‘did I p*** you off, (my petname)’. So of course I was clawed back again and we chatted a little more, but it felt very cold and almost stand-offish and I don’t understand why he wanted to chat to me at all if it is going to be like that.

    MrU: ‘I am on my exercise bike every night, maybe an exercise for (my petname)?’
    Me: oh it would feel good to try out your exercise bike
    MrU: no. I just meant exercise is good for you

    The conversation was like that the whole time. The worst was:
    Me: I feel to reveal one of my secrets to you (after he had claimed I was secretive)
    Mr U: It’s not a secret for nothing?
    Me: I feel to share it even though it feels scary
    MrU: then don’t!!

    I just felt cut off like this the whole time. Didn’t feel good, don’t want to do it again.
    Feeling sad that we don’t seem to be able to communicate.

  99.  #99Tam on July 12, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    and he didn’t answer my good night, but that is kind of typical because he never likes it when I finish the conversation first. It’s very egg-shelly for me, not really a feel good thing.

  100.  #100Starla on July 12, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    tam, i would feel so ‘yuck’ in that conversation

    sending you MUCHO AMOR!

  101.  #101Tam on July 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Thanks Starla. I am still toying with the idea to do the no friends speech and just be done with it once and all. It may be the best for now. I feel he is searching for my contact to stroke his ego now and that feels very yuck. There is nothing in the conversation that feels good, nothing that was really directed at me. It was totally meaningless, boring and cold. No point.

  102.  #102Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm


    89 – That’s right

  103.  #103Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm


    33 – I don’t understand that body relaxation technique…

  104.  #104Rori Raye on July 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Layla, Thank you for this lovely comment…Love, Rori

  105.  #105Tam on July 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    is it normal that the more power I give away, the stronger I feel? I have opened up to him and shared some scary stuff and feelings…at first bit felt scary and then I just felt like it’s no big deal…and if he doesn’t like it I don’t care.
    Now I feel so uninvested and so ‘blah’ right now about this man that it makes me feel super strong. Like I don’t want to be bored and cut off in conversation, I’d rather go and watch TV…wow, come a long way.

  106.  #106Rori Raye on July 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Yep, Annie – if he’s complaining, he’s hung up. He’s incomplete, he’s reactive – he still has issues. AND – he doesn’t like or trust women. I’d get away from ANY man who calls any other woman a “bitch.” Love, Rori

  107.  #107lk on July 12, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    Starla…. thanks : ) you make me feel super safe & inspired because you are a passionate, unique, beautiful woman who acts with Love & conscientiously pursues “improvement” in your personal happiness…. (((starla))) thank you for being so strong & so sweet ((((((Starla)))))) love you : ) ……. DAH i am going to get you into my brain if it kxlls me LOL : ) hahaha i still remember pretending you were in the car with me the first time cd took me to his house : ))) thanks : ))

  108.  #108Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm


    Wow.. I was just reading your post.. I would feel really bad in that situation. I would feel even worse if I kept talking to him. I’d just lean back and leave him alone.

  109.  #109Daria on July 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    ugh i still feel so mad!

    and i feel embarassed and ashamed and vulnerable

    i love my embarassment and my shame and vulnerability

    i love my anger

  110.  #110lk on July 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    TAM, wow that sounds SO COOL that you feel strong… it is amazing to feel so vulnerable, nxked, exposed, not secret….. & whatever, you’re still you. it’s all true : ) you didn’t make that shxt up : ) you’re actually that badxss & fxcked & scary & intimidating & powerful…. & you’re so powerful, that you don’t mind being naked in front of everyone. whatever, no big deal…. what are they going to do ? kxll you ? UMMMM news flash, lol… we ALL know how this ends lol : ))) love love love love love love love love love help all that just that

  111.  #111Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm


    LOL. I like that silliness!! Sometimes a smile can make our day!

  112.  #112lk on July 12, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    love you, daria…. i “still feel mad” too !

    about all kinds of silly shxt. love you

  113.  #113Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I always write on the wrong thread..

  114.  #114Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Soo I haven’t had such a good day today. Been sad most of it. Blah. My batteries are getting charged though. I should go to a bar.

  115.  #115Daria on July 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Esteemed – i dont mean to hurt you and i wonder if my sharing my feelings here might help in some way…

    felt uncomfortable and a bit gagged reading that interaction

    you seemed really in masculine energy

    especially “the pleasure is all mine” i felt so icky and turned off 🙁

    this could totally just be me, but i got a masculine vibe from that interaction. not a lot of feeling messages were used, even talking about an emotionally powerful subject

  116.  #116Daria on July 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    here’s what i would have written, had it been me. it may not make sense anymore as the responses from him might have been different, but ill take each line from him and respond

    im only doing this cuz youve told me something like this helps you, and i imagine it would help me too. im not saying my way is right and the only way or saying your way is wrong

    R: Love making is sooo beautiful!

    w: Yesss! I’ve felt a yearning for it all my life.

    R: I think it will be a thousand times better when you finally get it.

    B: 🙂 yes… it will feel like hearts harmonizing…

    R: Wanna talk about it?

    B: Sure, I feel so delicious thinking of moving as one…being in love…feeling totally safe…

    R: I like two hearts intermingling.

    B: 🙂 that feels so lovely

    R: I love giving a woman oral sex.

    B: It’s an expression of feelings, not merely physical sensation. And that makes the physical sensation 1000 times more beautiful, as you said. [ok here this felt way masculine. i do this too. preach]

    W: i feel so good about it… it feels emotional to me, not just physical

    R: Yea. I love the soft touch of a woman’s skin.

    B: I feel wonderful being touched. {possibly if energetcially appropriate add: It felt really good with you }

    R: Thank you (ok my guess is R is backing off by saying thank you!!!! when i tell men it felt so good for them to touch me, they do NOT say thank you. I would NOT add anything much about us touching, i would vigilantly keep it as “a man” in all kinds of moments when i feel the compulsion to remind him of our times together. THIS WILL RAMP UP ATTRACTION. check the energy. the time to tell a man you feel good with him is when he’s coming on directly to YOU… as in… i felt so good touching YOU! then you can say, it felt so good being touched by you 🙂 .THIS IS A REALLY REALLY CRUCIAL STEP OF ATTRACTION, and a tweak here – becoming aware of the compulsion and not acting on it – might really solve all your problems for good

    but lets say he did say

    R: Thank you

    I would NOT answer that actually. I’ve thrown off the energy and there’s nothing to respond to. I would lean back for him to pick up again.

    or I would 🙂 if i felt that way

    or i would may say

    🙂 ack! i feel awkward now

  117.  #117Daria on July 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Lk – thanks! love you too!

  118.  #118lk on July 12, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    jasmine, i feel curious about why you say “should” ? about the bar ? : ))) sometimes i say that to myself… & sometimes it’s cuz i’m in the mood & sometimes it’s cuz i’m super-not & judging myself for it lol love you : ) i’m feeling SUPER overly blahblah all over the place loving today…………… right now……………….. hope that doesn’t “creepy” trigger you o_0 eeeek lol… um but i mean i hope you have a love-ly evening & i hope i never ever act without purifying it into straight love first lol…. a girl can dream : )

  119.  #119Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:45 pm



    I was about to say the same thing. I was going to ask Esteemed if she really thinks he’s into her the way she’s into him. Or what if he only wants to be open in a general way? Because I’ve noticed in every conversation that she’s the only one who relates things to “them” while he always speaks for himself only. Although I see he’s communicating more and keeping the conversation going, I would be careful.

    It reminds me of a time I told A “I miss you”. And what he said was “Yeah”. Yuck.

  120.  #120Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    hahah lk,

    I am actually in the mood!! I don’t go to the bar unless I feel like going. That’s why I said my batteries are getting charged lol. I feel like dancing, being around people, meeting new people, drinking some.

    You are perfectly fine 🙂 I like your energy. Lots of love to you too!!

  121.  #121lk on July 12, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    zomggg i just remembered the ” i give myself permission tool” …….. zoning out & going to my “quiet place”…. dude, some of these things i have not seen since i was tiny, like 8…. i totally forgot i wanted a “solarium” in my house… LOL that’s a flipping joke…. that crxcks me up for some reason…. ummm peace good thank you…… sweet humans, sweet man… sweet animals…

    i give myself permission to have long, smooth legs & fat, pin-up girl txtties : )) lol ……. i love my desire to look like michelle williams LOL i did not even know that ! i heard her interviewed on NPR & seriously she sounds like the most… idk…….. but she sounded Authentic. i was drawn in by her “siren song”…. love-ly thank you

  122.  #122lk on July 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    even though unemployment is high…. i choose to view myself in a world of abundance : )

    i told cd…. i feel like all my ideal jobs are opening up around me…… like flowers : )

    i’m “smelling the roses” ………… & i tell everyone, oh, someone will get in touch with me : ) smile : ) i feel good…… : )

  123.  #123Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm


    About feeling messages… do we always have to use the word “feel”? Mmmm…

  124.  #124lk on July 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    lol… my boss today…. *slightly* suggested… that i work from home over the weekend on my own time ? fo’ free ? are you joking. you must. be. joking. do you know what i am saying ????

    NO lol.. he was all “don’t take it personally – this is highly corporate”

    but i’m thinking: “they are giving me an assigned societal value, proportional to my perceived worth. in my current “value” categorization, i am not worthy-y of BEARING CHILDREN” angry human over here. angry human alert. hugs lk (((lk))) : ) i’m laughing at your silly self now bc no one can stop you from makin’ babiessss lol : )

    YEAH – keep the gxv’t “off my body” … “out of my family” …… basically…………… no one likes lxws. no one wants to be told what to do.

    we don’t need laws : )

    physically speaking, we all exert control over each other & we can do this anywhere, anytime, infinitely. “spooky action at a distance”

    they’re opening a patent office here : ) “all your wildest dreams will come true” Vote For Pedro : ))))) LOL i love any human that hears any “sense” or “logic” in this…. & here is the water : & choose where you drink !

  125.  #125Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    I mean… couldn’t I just say..

    “I really love these apples!” instead of “I feel so good having these apples!”


    “I like being with you” instead of “I feel so good when I’m with you”

    My point is… if we say I feel… I feel… I feel… wouldn’t it be very repetitive? I think that if we say “I feel” in one sentence it is ok, but in every iteration it turns mechanical.

    That’s my thought.

  126.  #126Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    I see it as overuse of the word feel… and there might be some other ways to express feeling without having to use the word “feel” all the time.. I believe.

  127.  #127Femininewoman on July 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    I followed Starla’s lead and have a bit of a rap going on over here

    Tether yourself to reality and lean back lean back
    Tether yourself to reality and lean back lean back

  128.  #128Daria on July 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Jasmine – the word FEEl is actually where the magic happens

    think of it as pushing an attraction button

    that is why u want to use it (well theres more to these reasons, but that’s a good one for me who wanted very much to attract ppl)

    so, yes, its important.

    yes it seems like overuse logically, and it works nonetheless… quite like magic. and as u get natural with it it doesn’t stand out as repetitive the way you’d think


    you want to talk DIFFERENT THAN USUAL

    you want poetry, romance, and lots of feeling and emotion – a diff world than the masculine logical everyday thing one would expect

  129.  #129Daria on July 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    so if you say . i really like these apples, and i like being with you – you will connect with the brain

    if u want to connect with the heart, use feel – it will connect u with your own heart. it will feel scary that you will feel humiliated being pointed out as desiring to connect with others (and using the word feel). its worth it. it works… especaily when leaning back phyiscally and opening up the body and relaxing… and getting a really deep, body FEELING to express

  130.  #130Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Soo I have this “meeting new people” vibe and I’m going out with a girl who is not even my friend and I’m excited!! I mean, sometimes I get bored of hanging out with the same people and having the same convos…. but I loooove the adrenaline carried on by new experiences 🙂

  131.  #131Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm


    115 – 116 – Thank you so much! Yes, I love it when you tweak my texts! In this case, I think you are over my head. I don’t understand the fine distinctions. I am not asking for further explanation – you already explained. Instead, I will just read over what you wrote compared with what I wrote several times and study the changes you suggested.

    As a whole, I am feeling extremely frustrated that, altho he ramped things up about a week ago, he STILL hasn’t asked to get together with me. I am feeling treated second class.

    Can you please help me understand when is the appropriate juncture to stop responding to texts?

    Here’s the thing: I LOVE texting with him. But it is what I am accustomed to after 23 years of writing inmates. Long distance.

    If we were seeing each other regularly, at least once a week, I would feel fine with nightly texting, since we do live an hour away now. But I have seen him ONE time in 5 months.

    If it is time to wean him off texting, when and how?

  132.  #132Starla on July 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    My best friend got into a bad car wreck and totaled the car. Lucky girl and her unborn baby are okay, no broken bones, yay!

  133.  #133Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm


    I don’t feel humiliated about connecting to my heart and using the word “feel”. I actually like connecting to my feelings and emotions and let them all out. It’s a relief every time. I’m just wondering about alternatives to express emotion!! Because feeling… feeling… feeling… is something natural to us but we’re talking to someone who functions in a masculine, logical way…. and he might feel overwhelmed? Idk. I’m not trying to contradict you, I’m just trying to express my thoughts

  134.  #134Starla on July 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    aw, yay and thank you lk

  135.  #135FlowerChild77 on July 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    (((((Esteemed))))) I get the same feeling as Jasmine pointed out in #119. (I feel ‘protective’ of you in this situation since I know the history, etc.)

    He is sharing in the hypothetical (or possibly thinking of his own future) and you are speaking specifically about the two of you. It feels impersonal on his part…and like you are, possibly, getting attached all over again. You deserve a man who wants to touch YOU and feel sexual with YOU <3

    Please don't be angry…

  136.  #136Starla on July 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    OF COURSE my best friend is okay:) whew. yay the universe blesses us thoroughly and guides us and blesses us and guides us and blesses us and blesses us and blesses us and i love
    i love i love i love i love i love i love i love

  137.  #137Starla on July 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I feel really excited to meet CL and I feel relieved that he found his masculine courage and called me (and he’s happy too, because of course i was sweet and lovely on the phone). Because I feel very connected in a special way to this one — it’s interesting how i followed my instincts to ‘find’ him specifically, and he is just unfolding more and more as a good match for me, but it feels all wonky and full of hesitation on my part because i am too ‘sensible’ to feel that big feeling with a man i’ve never even met before. But we’ll meet on Sunday and that’s when I’ll know more.

  138.  #138Daria on July 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Jasmine – yes we’re talking to someone who functions in a masculine logical way .. And what doesn’t work is presenting him with another masculine logical energy

    We ATTRACT him into his feelings for us by consistently Consistently – repetition. Communicating in a feminine, emotional way

    Yay! Now we’re not a man to him, we’re an intriguing woman

  139.  #139Turquoise on July 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    Starla, I’m so glad they are ok! A 15 year old girl was killed near me last night and the 17 year old male driver is in serious condition. We never know what might happen to us or our loved ones…. Makes me feel almost a desperate sense to share my love with them all.

  140.  #140Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm


    119 – I don’t know, I feel confuzzled. I guess I have been thru so much with this man that I don’t know where I stand with him, and I feel so confused at such a deep level that I can’t see it clearly.

    I wonder if he is avoiding contact because he is trying to hide his emotions from me. I think the feeling is mutual. I feel his love intuitively.

  141.  #141Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Hahahah alright Daria. I understand. Thanks!!! I’ll work on that

  142.  #142Daria on July 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Esteemed – I feel encouraged reading your response

    Ok here’s the easy tweaks: Refer to how good it feels to have ‘a man’ touch you, not how good it feels from him

    Always stick to this. This is the lil tweak that will make the lean back diff.

    2. When he said about oral sex.

    U preached.

    Instead that’s an opportunity for feeling messages

    ‘ohhh that would feel Soo good ‘(notice how there’s no ‘from u’ ) – is perfectly appropriate

  143.  #143Turquoise on July 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    Esteemed, the thing is that you can’t push or suggest or encourage him to spend time with you. Unless its his idea, things aren’t going to move forward. I’m hearing more of the same, him talking generally about love and sex, and not about with you. There is a big difference.

    Conversation and I flirt a lot and make innuendo type comments… Laugh and smile and tease… But it wasn’t until he said things directly to me like, “the more time we spend together, the more I want to do things with you'” dont you catch me checking uou out?” I’m looking forward to kissing you and more!”

    It wasnt until he started saying things directly to me that left no question to what he was feeling… Did things progress. But even before that, the suggestion was about the two of us, I just didn’t act on it.

  144.  #144Daria on July 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    If you’re enjoying the texts, I would continue

    I would stop texting only when I no longer enjoyed it

  145.  #145Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm


    When you say “I wonder if he is avoiding contact because he is trying to hide his emotions from me” you sound just like me. Please, don’t do that. I arrived to the conclusion that if a man really loves you, he won’t be afraid to show you his feelings. You’re feeling attached and you want him so bad that you’re starting to believe that he wants you too. I’ve read your conversations and he’s opened up a little more but I’ve perceived he’s leaning more towards a friendship. I would just let go of expectations. I wouldn’t want to be disappointed again. And I’m here to help you with what I can just like you’ve helped me so much.

    Lots of love,


  146.  #146LobbyStar on July 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm


    Yes. YES!

    This is where I messed up with Cy. I was thinking too much, and not feeling enough. I was a buddy, another dude. I didn’t connect with his heart.

    Now I am being more girly, and he is really responding to the FMs. Whenever I say “I feel…” he responds in a way that makes my tummy feel all fluttery.

    Oh, and I found out that a fellow coworker has a crush on him; she confided in me, not knowing he and I have a past…

  147.  #147Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:27 pm


    142 – Thank you!

    What about what I said about stopping participating in text messaging? Is now the time?

  148.  #148Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    I am leaning back with SmartCD. The worst part is that it doesn’t feel like anything unusual, just because we had a 3-4 texts per week contact in the past month. Before it was 1-2 phone calls as well, then the calls were gone. When he is with me he is really caring, but then it’s the same loop over and over again. I want a break thru. I think I let it happen for so long first because I feel he really cares and second because he is so absent minded and third because he is in a bad situation and also because he is generous and wants to please me. But I feel lonely and I already told him so. I think after 6 months we could be closer. It’s like there is a wall and I have no intention to break it myself.

    I know that today he moved to a new place, which is smaller than anything he is used to in the past 15 years, just because he doesn’t have a family anymore and he feels bad about it. Still I can’t explain it, but it doesn’t feel right, he feels distant and I’ve been feeling like I am chasing him. I feel tired of chasing.

    His birthday is in a couple of days. I think if I don’t hear from him or if it’s another cryptic text, I may not even contact him on his birthday. Don’t know..

  149.  #149Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Turquoise, you sound good! Happy for you 😉

  150.  #150Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm


    144 – Isn’t it second class treatment when a man just wants to go on and on with phone contact only?

  151.  #151Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I want to be chased, courted, taken on dates! I want to finally get my birthday gift that I told him I picked and he had no time to go and buy it for 3 weeks.

  152.  #152Turquoise on July 12, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Jasmine, I feel, felt the same way about using the word feel all the time, but it does help to try and say it, practice it… And be aware ig when others use it.

    Daria, your explanation to Jasmine about it, about where the magic happens… Was like an AHA MOMENT!. I get it. I don’t want to be like another guy in the conversation… I want him to feel my emotions and bond/connect with me that way. 🙂

  153.  #153Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:40 pm


    143 – Thanks. But what about the feeling messages to say, “I would feel okay to talk on the phone.” and then not answer anymore when he continues texting?

    What I am trying to communicate is that what “feels good” to me is not necessarily trustworthy. It feels good to me to not be yelled at. I have taken a hell of a lot of second class and low class treatment in the past because I did not know anything about setting and holding boundaries.

    Point blank: I don’t trust my judgment.

    Especially in this relationship, I am so mixed up at a deep level that I don’t know what is what and I don’t know what is good for me.

    It is all debatable, but I feel like someone who has been brainwashed. I feel like I am in the dark when I am on text.

    I do NOT have the same in person social skills that most of you have. Writing, even as I am now, is my comfort zone.

    At age 48, I have spent more time in person with R in 2009 than I ever spent with any other man. It was in many ways like my first relationship. I had my first slow dance with R. R is the first man with whom I walked on the beach.

    I don’t know as much as you think I do about Relationships 101. I have textbook knowledge, if you will.

  154.  #154Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    R knows better than anyone how socially backward I am. He himself said, “It isn’t fair to text only with you.” Yet he keeps doing it. I think he is hiding behind the text. It keeps him from having to show any emotions. Because he knows I’m a good people reader.

  155.  #155Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm


    145 – Thank you so much! That felt really sweet to read! Okay, that gives me a bit of a compass. I will assume it is strictly a friendship.

  156.  #156Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Also I feel that he used to be a lot more excited about me in bed. Is he taking me for granted?

  157.  #157Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm


    Social skills need practice. I’m not big on them at all, but I push myself to go and do it.

  158.  #158Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm


    If you feel good being “friends” I would keep texting him. IF, on the other hand, you feel susceptible to anything, I would STOP. Definitely stop.

    The only thing he has talked about (regarding YOU TWO) has been the PAST. He says he never meant to hurt you. He talks about things he DID/DIDN’T do. And that’s where he adds you in. The past. He doesn’t talk about the present OR the future meaning that you’re in it (that’s all I can get from what I’ve read).

    I would get my eyes wide open and really see if we’re getting somewhere. Probably if you lean back a little he’ll be motivated to do something? If you make yourself busy and not all the time available, soft and caring it might make a difference? This is where my masculine energy comes in place and I don’t think it is bad in this type of situation.

  159.  #159Jasmine on July 12, 2012 at 7:51 pm


    Heheh. I need a lot of practice 🙂

  160.  #160Starla on July 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    Yay, I finally got to talk to my best friend!

    She told me, “thank you for nagging me to wear my seatbelt. Thank you for keeping it up for years even though I rolled my eyes at you.”

    I love my best friend, she is the love of my life like the bestest friend/sister/soulmate (in a platonic way) anyone could ever have, and I am so glad she is okay, and I feel grateful for her every day several times a day, but I feel extraextraextra grateful for her today. ((((((((((((my best friend)))))))))))))

  161.  #161Memulo on July 12, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    This was the first week that I didn’t have to work 14-hour days. It feels weird to be back to a more normal life;)

  162.  #162Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm


    157 – Yeah, I am. I have never known anyone as deeply as R, so it’s a challenge to me. It’s a lot of uncharted territory.

  163.  #163Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    158 – Thank you, that feels helpful!

  164.  #164Starla on July 12, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    Memulo, my work life has gotten crazy, too! I experienced a major attitude shift today… like “just keep swimming.” I used to shrink away from it and procrastinate and avoid it and now I feel like, “okay, let’s get this done! I’m too BIG to be scared of ‘work’ now.”

    Thank you for sharing your experience with work lately. It makes me feel less alone.

  165.  #165lk on July 12, 2012 at 8:21 pm


    it’s not just exciting to have someone in bed with you for pleasure…. it can feel deeply exciting to have someone in bed with you who just wants to cuddle : ) or even not to cuddle : )))) just to be with : )

    you’re OK…

    in some ways… it’s the most intimate to have someone in bed with you for no reason what-so-ever except for that is just the way it is – together : )

  166.  #166Starla on July 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    lk, i keep keeping you in my head/heart as like… a spirit guide/animal or something? something about you being with a mountain man. I dunno how to explain it but you’re helping me a lot just by existing lol

  167.  #167lk on July 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    (((((((((((((((starla’s best friend)))))))))))))))))) : )

    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((tiny baby)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) : )

    love love love love i love it ! love ! love !!!!!!! love !

  168.  #168lk on July 12, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    me too, starla

    you’re my other half that i need lol

  169.  #169Starla on July 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    aw i feel ashamed to like that so much, lk

  170.  #170lk on July 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    esteemed…. that is a steamy txt convo !

    jeeeeeeez though lol i feel nervous kind of because if my “juices” were getting all “going” with that subject matter & that human…… i feel nervous ! lol… : )

    UMMMMM yeah, : ) ummm i would just want to be clear with him that i was feeling txrned on …………. & …. like… not in a friend-ly way ?

    AND also….. : ) i love daria’s suggestion : )))) i know i feel so GOOD when i don’t tell CD what i want HIM to do. i just say ” i want a partnership where….. ” & i feel good & communicative & empowered & heard & gentle

  171.  #171Esteemed on July 12, 2012 at 8:40 pm


    170 – Thank you! Yes, that is what I want to say, exactly ! That really helps.

  172.  #172Starla on July 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    i just felt moved to write my first poem in months. I feel really good and juicy and broken open and terrified and moved to tears and
    goodnight <3

  173.  #173Rebecca on July 12, 2012 at 9:15 pm


    I don’t know about you but I would feel icky and a bit perplexed if my ex-boyfriend was talking to me about how he loved giving women oral sex, etc..! I just feel yuck about this??

    I would be wondering what his motives are? I would feel confused and slightly weird…

    How do you feel?

  174.  #174Rebecca on July 12, 2012 at 9:23 pm


    I went out tonight and flirted. I felt really good about myself, but I’m still not feeling like I’m meeting anyone who’s really doing it for me in the physical sense.

    Also, I wonder if I am sending out the wrong signals. My friend who I was with doesn’t approve of chatting to men unless you are in someway romantically interested in them.

    I am wondering if I just align myself with men who I don’t feel any physical attraction for? I would love to branch out more and have the courage to flirt with men who I feel attracted to.

    I guess when these opportunities arise, sink into my feelings right? Ahhh…. Hmmm….

  175.  #175Brandylion on July 12, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    And now, for something completely different!

    I went out to eat for lunch on my birthday, and there was a coupon for half-off a Thai foot massage. With today’s emotional upheaval, my best friend and I decided I needed some physical contact. So in lieu of a hug or being held, she suggested massage and I remembered the coupon. This evening, I totally treated myself to my first-ever massage of any kind, and it felt so soothing and relaxing! The masseuse was this really interesting older woman (she’s going to be 72 later this month and looks 60 at most), and we had a good conversation. I decided my graduation gift to myself is going to be a full-body massage, and I am going to go back to her before I leave AZ!

    Also, I bought myself a dozen red roses on impulse.

    One of the cute guys in my classes is totally taking care of me. He’s just a gentleman! Tuesday I was trying to stretch my laptop cord across the table, and he said I could sit where he was instead. I said, “Oh, that’s okay,” and he got up and moved anyway.

    Today we were doing a lab and I was standing at the computer station working on a calculation while he and the other guy in our group were sitting. After a couple of minutes, without saying a word, he moved out of the chair he was sitting in onto the stool beside it and gave me the chair! Awwww!

    And during the break in our later class, he wrote, “Hi!” in my notebook. Ohh, I feel all giggly recounting this!

    We had fun last weekend going out for pizza for dinner one night and then playing a board game the next. Oh, and we went to a local brewery on the 4th, and that felt fun too.

    It’s interesting to notice that when I am not thinking about him and what he’s doing, he surprises me and does something for me. And when I am thinking about him and observing him, I can feel him keeping his distance.

    And it’s also interesting to note that as I’ve felt better and better this summer and been more myself and less closed off, he has engaged with me more.

    And one of the match.com guys I thought had poofed got back in touch earlier this week. And a new interesting-sounding guy on PoF emailed me yesterday.

  176.  #176Daria on July 12, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    i was up all nite 3 diff times w 3 diff men this past week…

    it kinda threw me off now and i find myself open to men who want to talk (rather than come see me)


    i don’t want to get into this dynamic

    i want to shift

  177.  #177Vi on July 13, 2012 at 12:11 am

    when someone has anoter opinion/ lifestyle…I feel angry! ..so amgry that i feel nearly unconscious ..!!! .. feeling ugre to shout , slam the door … !!!!!! ….?? .. ’cause it questions my opinions/ lifestyle… the truth is that moment i am questioning these myself… and i feel scared… and then i feel defensive… i thought it was “them” being “wrong” it turns out it it all was me – having a dialogue with me.. dear lovely sweetheart huggable me… feeling afraid of a possible change… huh i feel peaceful of getting triggered by .. or happen to trigger someone by chance… i feel more open now .. more comfortable… sigh..
    And if I imagine someone gets triggered by me.. it feels more like “you’re welcome” instead of “aaarrrhhh”… i feel afraid i can forget this my new truth and i feel sad… i love my sadness my fear my new truth… !!!!

  178.  #178Tam on July 13, 2012 at 12:16 am

    I guess most of you are asleep, I am in Europe and it’s morning and I need to work…and I feel great.
    Well, last night’s episode of conversation with MrU has made one thing clear to me:
    I am rooting for myself now. Rooting for Tam, not him, not men – just me. And who will be on my team? Men that make me feel good, people that make me feel good.

    If he doesn’t make me feel good and is stand-offish then I am not going to think ‘oh, but he contacted me so he wants to speak to me’ – I am just going to politely and positively end the conversation.
    I had promised him (as he had asked) to share a couple more secrets with him beforehand….he got quite excited about this as I don’t open up (I discovered recently that I may have emotional unavailability). Then in the conversation he used the word ‘whatever’ and I got triggered. But I did not lash out as usual, I just told him that it feels bad.
    He certainly doesn’t open up and do I care or push? No, I am no longer interested in anything he is not willing to share. That was previous me.

    Anyhow, I had drafted a little email in response to one of his and sent it. It was as a challenge to myself, to reveal something. He is now practice.
    He is now practice for me to heal myself, and I can’t believe what happened: I no longer care what he thinks of me. I can reveal anything to him because I no longer feel invested. I can reveal things I would not even reveal to my best friend because I do care somehow what she thinks of me (we are very close but still).
    Now I have pushed myself, used him as teaching material, and I stated again at the end that all has been said and done, I did not want to be friends with benefits, even less friends without benefits, and I am rooting for me now and I want the happily ever after with someone who is rooting for me too.

    I read it again and I thought wow. I sound powerful and determined and also, unlike the ‘old me’, and I really do not care what he thinks. I am not sure what to do if he is in touch again as I feel toyed with and just don’t have the energy to play. I don’t feel like having those stupid chat conversations, when there is no meaning in it. Next time I might not answer or just politely excuse myself.

    Before, I would take those crumbs but I tried to converse last night, with feeling messages, and it was not satisfying..and he realised that it was not and tried to change tack and keep me online…but I just regretted staying longer, when I could have used the time to paint my nails.

    Wow. I think I am done. Perhaps this is one time where staying in contact actually made my feelings for him almost disappear. If he stood in front of me now, I might just feel blah, like ‘oh hi’. And not like before: shakey and nervous. Mr Jugemental…now he knows quite a few things about me and he will judge to death and I do not care one bit anymore. hehehehehehehehehe.

    In a way I hope it scared him off as I believe that would be the most elegant solution.

  179.  #179Zara on July 13, 2012 at 1:16 am

    Of Cdating and the art of negotiation

  180.  #180Daria on July 13, 2012 at 1:24 am

    I feel so sad feeling shut out blocked out

    I feel worthless

    I feel rageful thinking of seeing reminders of this everyday

    I feel sooooooooooooo resentful

    I do not want anyone to like the person on blaming for my feelings

    I feel so shut out and walled up and battlehardened

    I love my battlehardened feeling

    I feel so powerful feeling numb and walled and battlehardened

    And I feel lonely and sad

    I feel hopeless

    I want to heal this

    I feel hopeless.

    I feel not good enough w enough emotional management and communication skills

    A worthier better person would handle this ‘maturely’ and easily

    But I’m not emotionally mature

    No I’m like a toddler cuz I got beaten a lot and now I feel resentful and judgemental soooo much that

    My hardship is not acknowledged and given compassion

    (((Daria))) its ok if you’re afraid to talk to someone who may yell

    It’s ok if u stop talking to someone and disappear put of children’s lives

    I feel spoooooooo guilty

    It’s ok if u feel resentful and don’t want anyone thinking this person is loving Nd lovable

    It’s ok to feel spiteful

    It’s ok to feel judgmental of myself

    I love mu judgemental self

    I love my self hating self

    I love my wishing I were better and more powerful and feeling different emotions self

    I love my hopelessness, my dussapointment in myself

    I love my sadness and that feels like


    I love me.

    I want to heal all this

    I feel thrilled I wrote it

  181.  #181Tam on July 13, 2012 at 2:26 am

    I feel calm and safe in the knowledge that life will bring me what is mine. I spoke my truth and feel totally liberated, it is almost addictive.
    I have to think of an ABBA song line:

    ‘standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run.
    There’s no hurry anymore when all is said and done’

  182.  #182Tam on July 13, 2012 at 2:44 am

    I just found this, and it resonates so much:

    ‘The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth – or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

    We need to own our own worth – our own “Prince or Princess” ness – before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

    It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self – on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available’.

  183.  #183ruth on July 13, 2012 at 3:22 am

    this is an extremely helpful blog for me today
    And so are the comments
    Jasmine, you are asking all the questions abiout feeling messages that I want to!
    It DOES sound repetitive to me to keep using the same word, and I just dont speak like that, so it would seem weird to my partner if I did

    Tam, when I try to use feeling messages to my partner he just shuts me down exactly like that.No idea how to handle it
    Sorry ladies.I know Im supposed to try and use feeling messages here.
    It feels difficult and I feel blocked

  184.  #184Tam on July 13, 2012 at 3:34 am

    Ruth, that is his defectiveness and not yours. He feels uncomfortable with feelings…I found that using feeling messages and opening up draws him closer, but he IS still the person he is, and I feel now that he may not be the right man for me.
    He seems to crave the openness I give, but he can’t make the leap of faith to meet me on the path.
    I feel sad for him but he has done me a huge favour by showing me this again.
    Druing the cause of this, I realised that it was me who was unavailable, nevermind about him. I am trying to heal that and use him (sorry MrU) as a practice tool, because I don’t care what he thinks…

    How does your partner shut you down, can you give an example?

  185.  #185Tam on July 13, 2012 at 3:35 am

    ‘during the course of this’ …..typos…

  186.  #186Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Girls – LK, Esteemed, Starla,

    Thank you for your comments last night. Starla, unlike you I am not happy about my crazy hours. And don’t think they’re justified really. Been fighting against them 😉

    I feel weird not even to ask if he moved and how it went.

  187.  #187Tam on July 13, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Memulo, how about trusting that he wants to tell you and will, when he is ready?

  188.  #188Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 4:21 am

    I don’t know Tam. the last communication he had from me was that I am unhappy about something and made other plans. Then I stopped writing back. Despite the fact that he had his big move going on. How does it sound to you:) -?

  189.  #189Tam on July 13, 2012 at 4:32 am

    It sounds to me like you are making excuses for leaning forward and robbing yourself of the opportunity to see whether this man
    a) misses you
    b) wants to tell you about his move and everything else
    By all means, contact him if it makes you feel better.
    Just consider:
    How much better would you feel if he contacted you first, because he wants to, because he forgot your last communication….I believe men do not dwell on things like we do. They do what they want when they want it and blank out the rest.
    I recently had so much evidence of this. A man who wants you will not be pushed out of the way so quickly….what do you think?

  190.  #190Silver Moonbeam on July 13, 2012 at 4:37 am

    #179 Zara

    Wow just wow!! Talk about denial!

  191.  #191Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 4:37 am

    Thank you, it sounds great:)

  192.  #192Tam on July 13, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Memulo, I feel that I sound harsh to you, because it is almost like I am talking to myself and I can really relate to you because I used to do these things, much more so than you. But they just never worked. I really feel it is important that you do what you feel like doing – just be aware of where it comes from (your need?) and what the results will be like (will he feel pressure?).
    I just know now that I feel so much better when I do nothing and men come back to me…just because I feel they really want to, and that feels so good. 🙂

  193.  #193Autumn on July 13, 2012 at 4:55 am

    Rori Raye says:
    Yep, Annie – if he’s complaining, he’s hung up. He’s incomplete, he’s reactive – he still has issues. AND – he doesn’t like or trust women. I’d get away from ANY man who calls any other woman a “bitch.” Love, Rori

    This struck a chord with me. The guy I was stuck on, that’s one of the first things he said to me about his ex. And even back then, when I didn’t know about Rori’s tools I thought that was a red flag. He complained about her and I wanted to say ‘you shouldn’t speak about a woman like that; instead you should see how she helped you to grow and develop and learn”. But I didn’t…Is it horrible of me to see something wrong and ‘inadequate’ in a man who I wanted for so long??? Is that unfeminine?
    Still something deep inside hopes that this hang up will lead to a break up with his current girlfriend. But she is so much younger (another warning sign?) that I doubt she has the capacity to pick up on any of these. And other friends of friends who knew him only said terrible things about him; said he didn’t treat women well…

    I don’t want to want a man like that. I refuse. I want better. I want more.

    Isn’t it funny though, the men we are so hang up on are hang up on women that they can’t have or want to be with…well maybe they can feel what its like; which is such an unfeminine uncharitable unkind thought but right now i don’t care! i am angry! Why the hell am i stuck on a man who is so unkind?! Why do i still want him?! what is wrong with me?!

    I am scared.

  194.  #194Tam on July 13, 2012 at 5:08 am

    oh, I can illustrate my point by an email I received today from a long ago ex who is still pursuing me but I decided to cut contact because it was getting too much. Today I receive this:

    ‘I try to think of something bad or some unhappy details of you
    but nothing to do, nothing I try to think of, you just come out more beautiful then ever..

    you(your magnetic presence) are the drop that supports me in a desert sea.
    no matter your silence!
    love you’

    isn’t that absolute proof that a man will not stop at our silence if he wants us????

  195.  #195Autumn on July 13, 2012 at 5:09 am

    I hate this
    I hate my stuckness
    Im so scared of myself
    My feelings, they overwhelm me and I feel scared of acknowledging them
    I feel like shit
    I hate men
    I always feel worthless
    I hate these feelings
    Towards men
    Fear, anger, pain, resentment
    I hate rifting
    Why do I have to learn to rift?
    Why can’t I just vomit my words out?
    Why do i have to learn to be feminine?
    Why wasn’t i born feminine?
    I hate my dad!
    He makes life so hard
    Watchful judging eyes
    I want to cry
    He makes life so hard
    For everyone
    I want to cry
    I hate him
    I love him
    Im scared of him
    I feel uncomfortable all the time
    I don’t want to be here
    I feel guilty
    I want to run away and escape
    Why does she put up with this???
    I don’t want a family
    No pain
    Unshed tears

    Im so so scared right now
    Why can’t i cry?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I fail as a woman
    im so ashamed
    I am a man

  196.  #196Starla on July 13, 2012 at 5:16 am

    good morning,
    sending you all love
    i woke up with like 2 minutes to get ready OOPS
    <3 to us all

  197.  #197Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Thank you Tam!

  198.  #198Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 5:50 am


    173 – “I don’t know about you but I would feel icky and a bit perplexed if my ex-boyfriend was talking to me about how he loved giving women oral sex, etc..! I just feel yuck about this??

    I would be wondering what his motives are? I would feel confused and slightly weird…

    How do you feel?”

    Yeah, I just feel kind of stumped as to how to deal with this. He has always talked this way to me. It was part of his style when he started out in 2009, giving me the idea that we were just two buddies talking about finding our Soul Mates. He was like, “This is what I’m looking for…what are you looking for?”

    Then it became unmistakeable that he was considering ME as his Soul Mate. And ever since then, that is at the crux of why I have felt so much pain. I feel led on, and then I feel let down, over and over.

    For one “tiny” example, in 2009 he asked me if I want kids, how many, what I want to name my first daughter. Then he said he wants all girls, and that is the name he wants for his daughter, too. So what else would “a woman” think?? That he’s saying all this 3rd person stuff to imply meaning ME.

    So between that and texting all the time, I feel stuck. I keep running Rori’s stuff thru my mind, looking for answers. “It is not a real relationship until he is right there in front of you.”

    Maybe I could simply say to him, “I feel weird when I hear ‘a woman’ referred to in the 3rd person.”

    This is parting from feeling messages, but my theory is that he has a long term plan in motion where he thoroughly tests and gets to know ‘a woman’ before he commits to her. I am trying to think of this as just a friendship. Yet I know that R is VERY passionate about who he will spend the rest of his life with.

    It is hard to say all I know about him in a sentence or two. Suffice it to say he is not the kind of man who will commit to a woman in a few months, not because he is not ready for a commitment, but because he considers it one of the most important decisions of his life. He put me through thousands of tests. I could go on and on.

    I think, as part of my theory, that he wants to lead me to believe we have strictly a friendship, and then when he gets to know me to his satisfaction, to “surprise” me by deepening the relationship. I know, I know, I’m not sposta get inside his head. But I can’t help it. His behavior has been so erratic that I would have long since gone insane if I had just taken his stuff at face value – it has felt grossly conflicting.

    So here I am feeling stuck.

  199.  #199Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 5:55 am

    RE 189 Memulo’s pattern.

    About men – this is so true.

  200.  #200Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 5:56 am


    194 – Even tho you were expressing pain and confusion, the way you wrote it was beautiful.

    I encourage you to save that piece of writing. Then in a year or so, you could write a complimenting piece about where you are then.

    You are on the right path. I feel sad that it is painful for you right now.

  201.  #201Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 5:57 am

    RE 184 Tam remember it took you some time to get here. Women are more in tune and naturally attune to emotions. He is doing the best he can right now. His emotional timeline is different. He will get there if he chooses to. Right now your focus is your bridge to happily ever after.

  202.  #202Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Ruth have you tried talking about how you feel about the weather (hot, sticky, sweaty). How about a tea going down (relaxing), how about your bed/blanket (comfy, cozy). How about the dog across the street barking (annoyed), hom about cleaning the house (frustrated, productive). How about your career (successful). Remember it does not have to be about the relationship. Right now I am sitting on my chair leaning forward to type and I feel tightness in my lower back where it is hurting a bit so now I am going to lean backwards to see if that helps me to feel relaxed and easies the tension.

  203.  #203Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:09 am

    200 and 201 – FW, that is beautiful!!! And helpful.
    I feel glad you keep our spirits up with your posts!!

  204.  #204ReceivingGirl on July 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Hi Sirens!

    Wow, I am so behind…3 new posts!!

    I’ve been on a roll at work and starting to feel a little caught up and less stressed, so that is really good.

    I think Mr. Observant is coming out of his manic episode, which I am happy about. Unfortunately, it’s because he had to put one of his dogs down yesterday. I’m not sure, but I think a depressive episode always follows a manic one, but we are one step closer to him leveling out, I guess. I’m still learning about this illness.

    I hope all of you ladies are doing well! 🙂

  205.  #205Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Tam – Mr. Judgemental. I would bring this back to myself and see if there is some place where I am judging myself. I read a lovely piece about judgement on Dominique’s site recently. You might wish to check it out. I love how you feel bored with him now. I feel elated that you are using him for practice. Don’t beat yourself up just keep paying attention to yourself so you know when you are ready to end a conversation, or even when he is ready. “Oh I feel so cozy lying here in my bed, I feel like drifting off to sleep” or something like that.

  206.  #206Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:12 am


    201 – I feel curious…who is Ruth?

  207.  #207Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:14 am

    Tam he mentioned your magnetic presence? Wow. Do you know Rori’s I am a magnet tool? I hope you really believe in that now.

  208.  #208Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:17 am

    204 – FW, he used to be very judgemental of me, of everyone, and he told me so. Very unaccepting. that’s why it was a huge step to tell him some of my secrets that he wished for…they are not bad, but some made me feel embarrassed and even two months ago there would have been NO way I’d have told anyone, let alone him. I cared what he thought of me and now I think: ok, judge me if you like, it’s fine because I love me – you don’t have to.

    I am indeed on my bridge, in fact there is the bridge number 1 which is the bridge to healing my emotional unavailability and my pain and anger from childhood…and I am reading now how to act on resolving and living with some of this and be more open.

    Bridge number 2 is ‘happily ever after’…I have one leg on that and the other leg on the other bridge…and I am tending to my own emotional issues first as I believe I need to in order to find the ‘happily ever after’ and not push it away when it is in front of me (what the old me would have done)

    Phew. 2 bridges. And no time to wonder what a man is thinking anymore..too busy getting into myself.

  209.  #209Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Brandylion if it were me I would work on feeling good with receiving and getting rid of “Oh that’s okay”. I am still working on that as I catch myself saying it.

  210.  #210Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:22 am

    206 – I know, my ex is even Italian and he thinks I am magnetic, he translated it into English, I was feeling so smiley and had to think of Rori’s tool also. here’s a man telling us we are magnets indeed. yeah!!

  211.  #211Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Tam maybe when he uses his “whatever” you could say “I feel judged/dismissed and I don’t want to feel that way”. I am not even sure you want to add “with you, what do you think” ending. Or maybe just “hhmmm I feel judged” I wonder where that is coming from. If he becomes defensive then maybe “this is about me and how I feel. It is interesting to me to notice these things as I continue to unfold like a beautiful flower and become intimate with myself”. This might be unnecessary explaining but I like to play with words to pain pictures in the mind and help soften up my own energy.

  212.  #212Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:24 am

    Did you tell him you feel smiley and all aglow reading that. and Thank you.

  213.  #213Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Ladies, I found some lovely positive affirmations for us all…apparently we are supposed to say these out loud. I found them on the net, for healing issues around emotional intimacy and fear thereof..and accepting ourselves first:

    My dreams come true.
    I live in an abundant Universe.
    I radiate self-esteem, inner peace, Love, well-being, health, and happiness.
    I create money and abundance through Joy, aliveness and self-Love.
    I am vibrantly healthy, radiantly beautiful, and Joyously alive.
    The Light within me is creating miracles in my body mind and relationships here and now.
    I am now celebrating my life, having fun and enjoying myself.
    I am always deeply relaxed and centered, balanced in every way.
    I am whole and balanced within myself.
    I always have everything I need.
    I am enough.

    Apparently the trick is to say these when you least feel like they are the truth…it’s about re-wiring the brain.

  214.  #214Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:28 am

    211 – I don’t really have contact with him because it was getting too much, he is fighting to have me back for 1 year now but there was a very good reason we split up 4 years ago…so I will tell him but I fear it might spark the whole thing off again..

  215.  #215Autumn on July 13, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Thank you Esteemed. I feel so drained. But it surprisingly feels much better now.


    194 is amazing! thank you for sharing. I feel it so much right now.

  216.  #216Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Rebecca as you continue doing that you will become more aware of you and what it takes for you to feel the physical attraction. I believe though that if you put your attention down to your vag!ina and try to expand it sideways you can turn yourself on the presence of a man and it might help you.

    BTW I hurt my fingers recently and one is still healing so I have been challenged parking my car on the left side. This morning that was what was available and while struggling to do it on a hill I noticed a man sitting in his car across the street apparently waiting for someone. I did not hesitate to ask him if he would be kind enough to help. He did it in a hearbeat with no hesitation. I felt so taken care of. Discover your world and your path for yourself. Don’t allow your friends to help you shut yourself down in your comfort zone.

  217.  #217Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:31 am

    210, yes, when he used the ‘whatever’ I just said that I didn’t feel like sharing anymore, and was feeling sleepy and wished him a good night.
    That was when asked his little question:

    did I p*** ( and my pet name) off?’

    much like a child looking for approval/forgiveness from mother. That’s how it felt.

  218.  #218ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Hello again

    this is so helpful for me, thank you

    Esteemed-Ruth is my real name.
    Im just a normal woman struggling in a difficult situationI.Like Tam, I am UK based.came across Rori’s programmes via one of Christian Carters e mails and currently have Modern Siren, Reconnect and Heart Connection Toolkit.So much of it makes a LOT of sense for me, but as you can see I am struggling with the feeling messages.
    Feminine woman, I have so far only been using feeling messages about mundane things like the weather.Im not confident enough as yet to use them to talk about the relationship.
    Trouble is, I tend to get a blank look wehen I use them, or a total change of subject
    I guess i am not “sounding like me” when i speak like this

    Then I feel stupid

  219.  #219Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Tam maybe just tell him a man who is not in front of me is not real instead of sharing about the fear. The fear suggests you are living in the past. It would feel good to me if I were you to share that if he brings it up or if he is in front of my wanting a relationship. Right now he is a penpal.

  220.  #220ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I love those affirmations, Tam

  221.  #221Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:36 am

    Ruth how does stupid feel?

    The weather is not mundane. It is possible to weave passion into anything. Ask yourself how passionate am I? I suspect your work is around that and gushing. Do you know what in life you absolutely love and are passionate about?

  222.  #222Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:37 am

    Ruth there are some lovely examples of Feeling Messages in Reconnect. When was the last time you listened?

  223.  #223Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Autumn do you mean drained as in listless, empty or numb? As if you have emptied out your soul and have nothing left. Not even crying? Or anger? Enough to brake something or throwing things around?

  224.  #224Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:43 am

    218, with regards to the Italian ex – I do not really want to engage with him because he could potentially really be in front of me if I said that, like outside my door. He is not a very healthy man and had an addiction so I do not want him in my life anymore, you see. I don’t feel I can learn much here. However, the email was lovely 🙂

  225.  #225ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:43 am

    I got that programme this week Feminine woman, and listened to the whole lot over two evenings.
    I would have done the whole lot in one evening, but there were too many tears. There is some beautiful stuff in there and some things that make me feel so uncomfortable too.
    I think that I feel a bit silly using feeling messages in public, Im not quite sure why.And I feel bad for saying that on here

  226.  #226Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Tam “I don’t feel like sharing anymore” is where you pushed him away so he went into feeling like the rejected little boy whose favorite friend doesn’t want to play when he asked if you feel p!!d.

    These are the things to catch as you practice so when Mr, Right shows up he doesn’t get pushed away.

  227.  #227ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Stupid feels–small, insignificant, humiliating, shameful
    (actually I feek sick-hmm)

    I am thinking that one of my problems is that I cant access the deeper feelings, so maybe when i do the feeling messages they are not coming out authentically.
    Maybe too much thinking

  228.  #228ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:50 am

    I feel passionate about work,running, food, reading and words

    And Now I feel I am taking up too much space on here so I will lurk for a bit

  229.  #229Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:56 am

    This the place to say it and practice it Ruth until it becomes comfortable and natural. Practice it in babysteps out in the world. Thinking that you feel silly will come out in your vibe and maybe that is the reason you are getting that response from him. He feels your discomfort and you judging yourself/your speech as silly. If you flip that to loving it he might not be able to help himself but to love it too. Believe emotions are contagious.

  230.  #230Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Ruth do you have a vow to be invisible or is it that you don’t feel you are good enough to get attention?

    There is enough love in the world for everyone, and that includes you.

  231.  #231Tam on July 13, 2012 at 6:57 am

    225 – good insight FW, and true true.
    I am not particularly good at feeling messages, and like Ruth I find them hard work sometimes and not all authentic but I am working on that.

    I would hope Mr Right wouldn’t say ‘whatever’ to me opening up, however,..hehehe. But who knows.
    Actually the ‘whatever’ hurt me, so I could have been more authentic and said ‘ouch’ that felt bad!!!

  232.  #232ruth on July 13, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Thank you FW

    I have a lot of work to do

  233.  #233Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Maybe then I would experiment with “I feel this small” and indicate it with my fingers, then walk away and go do something fun for myself, like reading a book.

  234.  #234ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:00 am

    oh, I didnt see 229 FW

    That feels weird.And uncomfy
    Maybe it is true
    I dont know

    Need to think

  235.  #235Tam on July 13, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I also have a lot of work to do, but I am practicing on a really angry, hard, masculine and withdrawn man…so basically this will prepare me really well for all the others…and Mr Right. It can’t get much harder than this..hehe..for my practice.
    I was going to say it’s a case of ‘the blind leading the blind’ but I am not leading anybody except myself.
    I have a couple of dates coming up, much easier men. Phew.

  236.  #236Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:00 am

    RE 230 – There you go. Ouch works perfectly.

  237.  #237Calypso on July 13, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Married men . . . Ugh . . .

    I fell for a married man a few years ago – I was going through my divorce and he was thinking of asking his wife for one too (Or so he said). We never had sex together, but I feel like we cheated onhis wife anyway, because of the things we discussed. It took me a long time to realize that he was never really going to leave her. I still know him and we are friends – I can see that he is still miserable, but I’m never going there again. He has chosen to stay in that relationship – he says for the kids – whatever – NEXT!

  238.  #238Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:10 am

    RE 233 Ruth I know. I have been there. Now that you have identified that if it were me I would write about it here. That is exploring your inner world and becoming intimate with yourself.

  239.  #239ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Now that feels way too scary!

    It is the “invisible” bit that feels weird

    I feel very comfortable with the “not good enough”, because i already know I have low self esteem.Well, not “comfortable” . Familiar.Yes thats better

  240.  #240Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Do you ever overshare when you’re having a conversation with a man you’re interested in?

    Do you find yourself getting nervous, and consequently talking WAY too much, and maybe laughing a little too hard?

    It happens to everyone, but generally, this type of behavior isn’t super attractive to men.

    So – how do you quell your nerves and have a conversation that leaves him wanting more?

    It’s actually pretty simple.

    The key is to bring the conversation just far enough, and then…. stop talking.

    Even though it’s uncomfortable, creating space in the conversation will leave him wanting more – and also give him the chance to jump in and ask you out!

    Here’s an example of what oversharing and NOT creating space in the conversation looks like:

    Martha: Hi Tom, how was your weekend?

    Tom: It was great! I took my kids to the Dodger’s game.

    Martha: Oh, wow! I LOVE the Dodger’s… in fact, I remember last season my girlfriends and I went to probably 10 games. We had the BEST time drinking and eating hot dogs. I just LOVE baseball games. My one girlfriend’s husband proposed to her at a Dodger game. Isn’t that sweet? Right there on the kiss cam. Anyway…we should go sometime. They’re playing next week! Are you free?

    Do you see how Martha totally took over the conversation, didn’t let Tom lead, and DEFINITELY didn’t leave him wanting more?

    Marni Battista

  241.  #241ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:21 am

    oh yes

    Been there, done that

    Ha ha

    How very true

  242.  #242Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Ruth have you ever looked at your life and see if you find patterns of creeping out and then goiung back in? What are you afraid of? How were you treated as a child when you wanted to shine your light, show your exuberance?

  243.  #243Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 7:24 am


    217 – I don’t understand…did you have a different name on here before? Do I know you from the blog?

  244.  #244Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:30 am

    One of the most useless things we women do is talk about business (or business-like things) on the phone at night with a man we’d like to love.

    Try this instead.

    He calls, the phone rings, you pick up, say “Hi.”

    His voice is on the other end. “Hi,” he says.

    “Oh,” you say, “It feels so good to hear your voice.” Notice the word feel in there.

    He says, “Oh…….Yeah, it’s great to hear yours, too,” (or something like that.)


    If he doesn’t speak, you don’t speak.

    But you do some other important things. Put down the kitchen stuff, stop puttering in your office, pick up the kitty, and settle down into a soft chair, kitty on your lap. (If you don’t have an accommodating cat, use a pillow, a stuffed animal, or your own leg – you’ll need it to pet something.)

    He says “So, how was your day…?”

    This is the tricky question. And you don’t have to answer it the way you think you need to.

    Instead of “Oh, it was a little hectic at the office, so much stuff going on, but it was a good day….etc.”

    Try: “Oh, I felt so overwhelmed with all the paperwork,” or “It felt like it flew by, I felt so caught up in how fast the sales were flashing across my screen,” or “I feel so great being home, all curled up on this chair with the kitty in my lap. Oh, she feels so soft. I can feel her purr.” (Notice more feeling messages.)

    With your consciousness in your body, your feelings, your heart, and out of your head, business, facts and logic, your intuition will now kick in. You’ll be able to sense when the conversation runs out of steam.

    You’ll be able to tell when he’s had enough phone time. (Though, if you share your feelings in the GoodNight Talk style, he might just suggest he jump in the car and come over just then.)

    You’ll be able to say “I feel so relaxed. I feel like I could just drift off here with the cat,” and he’ll say “Sweet dreams” instead of “Well, I’ve got to go now.”

    The GoodNight Talk is an example of how to talk from your feeling state. If we women want it all, we can have it. CEO by day, object of passionate desire by night. Who wouldn’t want that?

    Feelings will get you everything. Thinking will get you half.

    Learn to talk from your heart, and you’ll pull in men who want to touch your heart with their own.

    Love, Rori

  245.  #245Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Last night was GREAT. Last night was AWESOME!! Fantastic, extraordinary. I felt sooo good, hyper, happy, fun!!!

    But what a HUNGOVER. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  246.  #246ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Yes indeed FW
    I was always being told to shut up and that I was too enthusiastic.

    I just fetl that I “overshared” in post 240

    And I really dont want to hog the blog

  247.  #247Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Esteemed you asked who is Ruth. She is responding to that question. She is a new poster on the blog.

  248.  #248ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Esteemed, no

    Im new as of yesterday

  249.  #249Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Ruth being told to shut up is still playing out in your life. E.g “I don’t want to hog the blog”. You are not. Interacting with you I feel like I am interacting with a turtle. Push head out of shell a little. Then swish, head pulls back in. Out of fear.

  250.  #250Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Sharing with you feels enthuiastic Ruth.

  251.  #251ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:38 am

    yes that is probably true FW
    But I feel a bit yucky now

    And now I am feeling worreid about causing offence by saying that

    aaargh.Its a minefield

    Truth is unconfy I guess

  252.  #252ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:41 am

    It would feel easier to talk about Jasmines hangover!
    And I feel embarrassed about my typos, but I guess I am feeling all flustered too

  253.  #253Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:43 am

    I am powerful, strong, committed, focused, ambitious, can take over the whole world if i wanted, and it wouldn’t even be that much effort, because i am feminine, magic, psychic, inspired, inspiring, loved, loving……

    and cute! really cute! and curvy and fit and fun to squeeze.

  254.  #254Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 7:44 am


    239 – <LOL, I like that example! Sounds like me for sure! It is something I have been working on.

    Matter of fact, it is one reason i have allowed the texting with R to go on and on, and I wonder even now if it is reason to continue to go on and on with texting. Because it slows me down. It gets me in the habit of just saying a sentence or two at a time.

    I have found I feel more sensitive in conversation as a whole because of the practice of texting R. Hmmm. 🙂

  255.  #255Shar lean way back on July 13, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Tam, WOW you are making leaps and bounds in awareness 🙂

  256.  #256Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 7:46 am


    247 – Welcome! I wonder if you are a friend of Jasmine? A couple days ago she referred to Ruth, and then when I asked her about it, she said she thought she was on a different blog.

  257.  #257Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:48 am


  258.  #258ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:50 am

    thank you Esteemed, that feels nice

    No, I dont know Jasmine, but some of the questions she was raising were the same as those I wanted to ask

    Im probably old enough to be her mother!

  259.  #259Iamabutterfly on July 13, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I feel anxious to get into my feelings. I really just needed a break from sinking into my feelings. From “thinking” about sinking into my feelings. That feels so curious. It feels so good to just be.

  260.  #260Rebecca on July 13, 2012 at 7:51 am

    FW said:

    Do you ever overshare when you’re having a conversation with a man you’re interested in?

    Hahahaha!! I so relate to this its embarrasing!! Lol..

  261.  #261Rebecca on July 13, 2012 at 7:51 am

    FW said:

    Do you ever overshare when you’re having a conversation with a man you’re interested in?

    Hahahaha!! I so relate to this its embarrasing!! Lol..

  262.  #262ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:52 am

    thank you Starla

    I think Ive got a toe in the “soup”

    I feel rather confused about how I even feel!

    hard to separate it all out

  263.  #263Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:54 am

    I feel a little self conscious posting positive things about a man I have yet to meet, but CL send me so many lovely “arrows” without scaring me off or coming on too strong. He texts me good morning and good night every day, and wishes me a nice day. He send me music he thinks I’ll like, and he isn’t afraid to show his enthusiasm for me.

    I remember that I had to have a “talk” a few times with CF about his playing it cool and holding back.

    I like a guy who isn’t afraid.

  264.  #264Iamabutterfly on July 13, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I feel drowsy and a tad too cold. I feel relaxed and non-chalent. A mug or to-go cup of something hot would feel so good and comforting.

  265.  #265Tam on July 13, 2012 at 7:55 am

    254..thank you so much 🙂
    sometimes it doesn’t feel like it…and my conversations/feeling messages are not as authentic as I like them to be. I still feel very much scared to open up..but challenging myself..

  266.  #266ruth on July 13, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Lama butterfly

    I feel exhausted even dipping a toe in the water

  267.  #267lk on July 13, 2012 at 7:59 am

    i want soup for lunch (((lk)))

    tam, thanks for the list of affirmations.. those feel good to read : )

  268.  #268ruth on July 13, 2012 at 8:01 am

    It feels good to hear positive things about how the tools are working

  269.  #269lk on July 13, 2012 at 8:02 am

    the kitten caught a hummingbird today… so awful… (((hummingbird)))

  270.  #270goldenflower on July 13, 2012 at 8:02 am

    “If you like, try gathering your desire for what you want for your life, and see how it can possibly overpower your desire for a particular man.

    Gather your desire together, feel it’s strength, and harness it for your brave ride into the unknown.

    You don’t have to “let go” of a man who can’t ride with you (or doesn’t want to) – just feel your desire lift you up and carry you onward.

    Love, Rori”

    Yes, yes, yes. I love this piece. I feel happy reading this and inspired to hold this. I feel i have so much intensity and passion that i havent known how to move it, where to put it, or worse how to hide it from men. Now I feel I can focus my passion into what i want from my life with the right man instead of into him or into agonising about getting it wrong and stuffing down my hopes.

  271.  #271Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 8:08 am

    Where is LoveAlways and siren song?

  272.  #272Starla on July 13, 2012 at 8:09 am

    And also, he has not once asked for my picture. I even asked him about this.. and his answer about not caring to see my picture before meeting me was pretty sincere and impressive. this one’s just… you know … different? it’s cool.

  273.  #273lk on July 13, 2012 at 8:12 am

    starla : )))

  274.  #274ruth on July 13, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I feel excited for you Starla

  275.  #275Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 8:14 am


    257 – Smiles! Yes, I’m definitely old enough to be Jasmine’s mother! She sounds like a definite sweetheart!

  276.  #276Starla on July 13, 2012 at 8:17 am

    thanks, ruth:)

  277.  #277Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I’m experimenting with making a wind tunnel at my house!

    I have a digital thermometer on one of my air conditioners. So I put it on fan to watch the temp as I try different things. I have found what works best in order to save on air conditioning when it isn’t too brutal is to put both ACs on “Fan Only”. Then put my regular box fan facing OUT a window and put it on high. Open all the windows, and it creates a nice breeze in here!

    Right now it’s 80 degrees on the thermometer (Farenheit here, you Europeans, LOL!), and it is actually comfortable! But I’m about to do some housework, so I’m going to turn on the ACs and shut the windows.

    Really enjoying swimming in my bay each day!!!!!! What a blessing!

  278.  #278ruth on July 13, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I think you and I are of a similar age Esteemed

  279.  #279lk on July 13, 2012 at 8:29 am

    omg i’m feeling so annoyed !

    this morning, cd & i were chatting about music. i told him about this girl who studied music & now she’s a dj & CD got all sassy ! like “i don’t know any real artists who studied music in college ” blahhhhhh gross!

    well… he’s then like, “oh chemical brothers, oh prodigy, oh blahhhhh” & he is saying that they are like…. just passionate, not educated.

    well who really cares, right ?

    anywayz, chemical brothers & several of prodigy’s members DID go to college. jeeeeezzzzz.

    now i’m all “wanting to email him & prove him wrong” & i’m feeling Afraid, because i feel like that is some big wall he has up against Institutions & it feels painful to me. we both went to college & learned a lot. neither of us think you “Have To” go to college to get a “real education”. seems there could be room for some appreciation in there…. feels bad to hear him so angry & biased. feels bad to notice myself judging him… (((cd))) ((((((lk))))))

  280.  #280Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 8:37 am

    220 FW

    Thank you for mentioning that about the weather. It brought back a great memory from last night…an example of how the weather is not mundane:

    I was walking with K…it was about 9 PM, a beautiful warm evening. We couldn’t really help gushing about the night. “It’s so amazing out tonight, I feel so energized!” “OMG, this breeze feels amazing against my skin…it just gets better and better.” “I feel so alive walking with you on such a beautiful night.” Stuff like that…it felt so connecting that we were both feeling the same weather against our skin and in our hearts…like we were experiencing it as one. It was pretty sexy, I must say. 🙂

    Ruth, keep practicing. After two years, I’m still learning and reminding myself that it is the word “feel” that draws him to me, incites him to take action on my behalf and lights his fire. It really works. He has never mentioned that hearing me use the word over and over is awkward in any way.

    What I experience is that every time I use the words “I feel…” his masculine heart perks up and he gets all magnetized in my direction.

    I like his response a lot!

  281.  #281Starla on July 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

    lk maybe you can flip and shift
    “omg it feels so stimulating and refreshing to be with a man who has opinions and doesn’t think the ‘right’ way is the only way. it feels fun to be able to actually spar with him and be inspired and challenged to prove his ass wrong, cuz that mofugga is WRONG lol”

    and then you appreciate the fun/stimulating/inspiring part and focus less on the proving him wrong part.

    even though i know mostly you just want to prove YOURSELF right. i hate being challenged too.. especially when i feel like my sparring partner is being bullheaded and it’s not fair to me lol

  282.  #282ruth on July 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    thank you

    It feels good to hear about feeling messages working
    It is certainly working for you

    Using the weather was a bad example on my part
    It certainly is *not* mundane where I live

    Actually, when I come to think about it not much in life in “mundane”

    I guess it depends on how you experience it

  283.  #283Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 8:44 am

    229 FW

    I loved this:
    “There is enough love in the world for everyone, and that includes you.”

    I feel sad that so many women, including myself, forget this truth.

  284.  #284Starla on July 13, 2012 at 8:46 am

    also lk sorry for the unsolicited advice when u were venting

  285.  #285ruth on July 13, 2012 at 8:47 am

    It also feels crummy that I cant get the feeling message to work yet, and I am feeling impatient!

    But its early days, and I suppose I havent really got properly in touch with the soup yet

    I will keep practising

    Thank you all for the advice, support and help

  286.  #286Tam on July 13, 2012 at 8:52 am

    It already works for you Ruth, because you will feel so great when you get used to speaking your truth and being heard. It will happen. Fake it till you make it 🙂

  287.  #287Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

    284 Ruth (that’s my middle name…I feel connected to you) 🙂

    After living a lifetime of silencing my “overly sensitive” feelings, it has taken a long time for me to get in touch with what I am feeling in the moment…it wasn’t easy at all and I still struggle identifying what I’m feeling beyond “good” and “bad” and “tired”. Those are my go-to feelings…I ended up downloading a list of feelings from the internet (just google “feeling list”) and have tried to learn some new feeling words and use them as appropriate.

    Also, I have asked K for time when responding to his questions. He now understands that it takes me some time to process my “deeper truth”. So, when he asks me a question, instead of saying the first thing that comes to mind…which is usually just the answer I think he is looking for or that society says I “should” feel…I take 30 seconds or so to really check in with my heart and identify what is going on with me.

    Maybe this might help you, too? K is a high energy talker so it’s been work for him to slow down and let me feel, but that payoff – for both of us – has been really worth it.

  288.  #288Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I just realized it’s Friday the 13th! 🙂

  289.  #289Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

    What if I say this to R?

    I feel frightened to feeling hurt again. I don’t feel safe to continue texting with you, because i feel like I am walking in the dark. What do you think?

  290.  #290lk on July 13, 2012 at 9:06 am

    LOL & i found this hilarious article about rappers who went to college….

    Ludacris went to college for Music Management & his first DJ gig was an internship LOL….

    i’m choosing not to send the link to cd….. i want to sit with how defensive i feel about it….

    like… “well i went to college for Creative Writing – do you think i’m now doomed to mediocrity ? ”

    no, lk. those things aren’t related (((lk))) hugs, it’s ok : ) good girl.

    i bought this ridiculous hand-sewn jumpsuit from about 1972 from a thrift store… magically it fits me perfectly. even more magically, i found a pair of panties with the exact same fabric/pattern ?? lol…. so now i have this amazing matchy-matchy thing from 1972/2012 : ) makes me feel great : )

    everything’s a miracle & we’re all OK.

    yayyyyy : )

    snake in my tummy : (

    i have the life i create. i feel punished. i’m punishing myself. intend to release myself from “punishment” : )

    aww i was feeling all sad & cd called “just to say i love you” …. haha that’s pretty silly… he doesn’t normally do that…. i told him i was just thinking of him & giggling because of the articles i found…. & he was still silly about it. like, oh sure i bet the beatles had formal education. but they didn’t really… maybe 1 of them went to art school or they hung out with art school kids, but they were doing it really young… & they were working class…. & i’m further “offended” because cd thinks the beatles are boring bubble gum pop o_0 lol (((((((cd)))))))

  291.  #291Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Does anyone have any insights into how to learn to be better on the phone?

    I long to be a good, engaging conversationalist, but as a result of some childhood issues, I made a vow to not speak and to be invisible (thanks for bringing this kind of thing up earlier FW). I have made some strides in healing this with face-to-face conversations, but still struggle on the phone.

    My pattern has always been to be a good listener, but I rarely remember anything interesting from my day to share over the phone and shame myself for thinking that what I have to say is important.

    This has become an issue because K travels for work three to four weekends per month…sometimes he is gone for 5 days at a time and he loves to talk on the phone and checks in regularly…but our conversations are totally one sided.

    I intend to practice feeling messages over the phone and I WILL heal this.

    If you’ve struggled with this and overcome it or if you have any ideas on how to heal this, would you share with me?


  292.  #292lk on July 13, 2012 at 9:17 am

    pamelala, when i started dating my first boyfriend, we had a couple weeks of long distance, as i was on a trip…. & i’d get so nervous when he called !…. so i just kept a page going in my journal where i’d write one or 2 words or draw a little picture or glue down a scrap of paper to remind me of the neat things i’d done recently…. just so if he said, do anything fun today ? i could say… oh it felt so nice… i felt so lucky because i found a big heavy necklace that is beautiful & makes my stomach flip, but it was extremely inexpensive, so i kind of even feel like it was given to me for free……. i feel excited to wear it… the artist was even there so i got the opportunity to express my admiration & gush about her work…. it felt love-ly to recognize her good work & share my feelings with her : )

    lol it’s funny to me that i really “got into” telling that story………. that actually did happen to me… 10 years ago… lol when i was on that trip : ) haha

  293.  #293Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 9:17 am


    What do you think of this, if R wants to engage in a full on text conversation with you again…instead of saying you’re fearful – which sounds almost accusatory and might send him into defensiveness – maybe something a little more in the positive direction would be helpful.

    How about, “Texting with you the last couple of days has felt fun and exciting, but I also feel disconnected through texting. I want my relationships, friends or otherwise, to be predominantly face to face. Communicating in person feels so real, connecting and leaves me feeling like I am living the relationship in the light rather than in the dark. What do you think?”

    That’s pretty verbose…and it’s what I would be feeling in your situation and maybe not what you are feeling. I hope it’s OK for me to speak into this…I care about you and your heart and hope to help if I can.

  294.  #294lk on July 13, 2012 at 9:21 am

    anyway, i wrote down little things to remind myself too. like weird signs or interesting graffiti. if i didn’t use them as “phone topics” LOL …. sounds so contrived…. i used them as writing or sketch prompts : )

  295.  #295Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

    291 lk

    Thank you so much for that example…a journal is a brilliant idea. In fact, K gave me a journal just last night and I have it in my handbag. I am going to use it for just that reason…I might even say,

    “I feel so excited about my new journal. You know I’ve been feeling awkward talking on the phone and sad that I struggle finding words. Well, a friend gave me an idea to keep a journal of what’s going on while you’re away and I feel so full of energy around that. I feel thankful for such a sweet gift and for a friend’s help and I feel such anticipation for our next convesation.”


  296.  #296Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Pamelala, that might be a bit too much “TMI” and focused on him to tell him that.

    Kind of like how Rori tells us not to tell our men about how we are working with her programs.

    be more mysterious.

    just ‘magically’ have more to talk about;)

  297.  #297Rebecca on July 13, 2012 at 9:27 am


    My advice would be not to be too worthy or try too hard. Just relax, sink into your feelings and go with the flow…

  298.  #298Rebecca on July 13, 2012 at 9:27 am


    My advice would be not to be too worthy or try too hard. Just relax, sink into your feelings and go with the flow…

  299.  #299Vicky on July 13, 2012 at 9:31 am

    I’m having a bit of “opposite” problem than the norm. I separated from my husband last fall, and started dating. I was soo ready for a real loving relationship and had read your info. So I was up on the feeling talk etc. I met a great guy and he began telling me that he had lost his fiancee she died of cancer 4 years before and he hadn’t been out on any serious dates since. But that he was attracted to me and would definitely date me. He pursued me for several weeks before our schedules permitted and we started dating. I would only let him see me 1 or 2 times a week in the beginning and held off from sex for a month. AND IT WAS HARD !! But he’s a great sensitive intelligent guy. I told him my situation, separated had to wait for the divorce for a year. He was moving very quickly with me, called, text, emailed every single day even if we didn’t see each other. he was definitely falling in love with me …and me too. but I kept back from telling him because he was also being very honest with me about his feelings for his fiancee that he lost. It was very hard on him and I could tell he still had feelings. And I completely understand and he knows that. 3 months into the relationship he wanted to give me keys to his house so I could come over anytime I wanted. I told him that I was not comfortable with that because I was not divorced and that I did not beleive in living together. In the beginning I had told him I did not want casual sex and he said he wanted a relationship with me. And kept asking when my divorce would be done. he kept asking me to text him or call him or just come over without him contacting me first, but I wouldn’t do it. He’s gotten mad about this and I think feels I was rejecting him. But I wasn’t, I also explained this to him and I’m also in the midst of adopting some children … and I told him this. so the last couple of months I could tell he’s been withdrawing a bit. We’ve been dating about 6 months, and the last month several times he started saying to me …things that didn’t make sense. like in the beginning of our relationship he said he wanted to travel …. now he said that he didn’t want to travel anymore. I got the sense that something was amiss… but wasn’t quite sure. And 3 weeks ago he stood me up. I texted him with a feeling message saying I didn’t understand. he texted back saying he had fell asleep and he was sorry. But I don’t think he did I think he went to sleep. broke the RR rules – I emailed him a couple days later with a feeling message again saying I was feeling frustrated and went on to tell him how I was moving up to my dad’s house for the summer. he had wanted me to move in with him but I did not think it was a good idea. So since that time, he has stopped texting, calling, emailing …. nothing. I did try and get ahold of him and started emailing him to see what the issue was. I went over there – yes broke the rule – because I was worried about him. He encouraged me to stay and talk … i just went over to get things i left there. I did the RR melt/cry with my emotions and just let him talk to me. He said he was having an issue about his ex and that he wasn’t feeling like he wanted to be dating right now. Probably was anniversary of her death or when they were supposed to get married. I told him I understood. He held me and I cried and then of course we had sex. he didn’t want me to leave but I had to go to work. And I said to him it sounds like you need space. But he said NO and kept pointing to his phone like he wanted me to call him. I left him alone for another week. No text, calls, email, nothing …. and then it became apparent to me … that he’s just not communicating with me. I tried again. No response… he’s ignoring me. So of course i paniced and did all the wrong thing for the past 2 weeks. i’ve emailed him feeling messages and then also stupid stuff like how ignoring someone is passive aggresive, etc. He’s completely ignoring me. I told him if he’s not ready to date then I’m not going to have just a physical relationship with him. I feel proud of myself but so confused. I don’t know if he doesn’t have any feelings for me or if he’s does and is just truly having an emotional time because of the dead fiancee. In any case …… for the last week i’ve been working on my self esteem and trying not to email …. and now I know I have to just STOP any contact but OMG I feel like I’m just dieing. I was really falling in love with him. First time in like 10 years. Its soooooooooo hard to let go.

  300.  #300Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Starla…oh gosh, I think you’re right. He already can’t figure out what is going on that he feels so drawn to me (helpless, but strong). Sharing too much would might ruin the intrigue…which he totally adores about me. 🙂 Thanks for that reality check.

    Rebecca…I’ll give it a shot. 🙂

  301.  #301Sunshine on July 13, 2012 at 9:56 am

    went on a match.com first date yesterday. he was cute, same interests, etc. BUT he did something that was sooooo incredibly annoying. We met up at the park and sat down to talk at the bench…he immediately started stroking my face and I felt weird, uncomfortable, and I slightly liked it although I felt it was too sudden- I barely was introducing myself! I started to laugh and told him I felt a little weird because Im talking but my face is being stroked at the same time. well, he took that as a sign to try harder because the rest of the date was about him trying to make out and me pushing away! ewwwww, I was so annoyed i would start talking and he would get his face incredibly close and try to kiss and I would back off and say to stop. then there was one point in the train when it was my stop I said by ( we are hispanic) so a little cheeck peck is normal but he grabbed my chin and I pushed away he said ” I dont want a birdie kiss I want a real one” ewwwww! I feel so angry and annoyed he was so attractive at first too I remember when I saw him I felt happy because he was even more handsome than his hot pictures but wtf. I felt so turned off by his aggressive forcefulness…does anyone think I should give him a second chance after explaining to him how I didnt like this? then again I said it repeatedly during the date so is it even worth it? I dont know…

  302.  #302Tam on July 13, 2012 at 9:57 am

    You remember the secrets I told MrU?
    He just told me that he was shy all his life. He opened up to me. Wow. I feel surprised and happy that he let me in. What should I reply?

    Bearing in mind that he is ultra masculine, go-getter and tall, strong, achiever etc. Blimey. I suspected he was shy because I knew him.. but for him to say it is a HUGE deal.

  303.  #303Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:05 am

    It’s ok LK … I went to a really ‘good’ college and any pernicious effects have been wiped off my coolness with good doses of more self education and the continued announcement that school doesn’t matter to our worth as humans

    I’m therefore still really cool. Maybe cooler cuz I have a title to fool the desperately misguided into trusting me .. And hopefully inspire their inner deserving and worth

  304.  #304Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Sunshine / I also recently dated a guy like this – well more / but I recently dealt well with one.

    My guess is these men are inexperienced

    I just get Very clear that I’m feeling angry and pressured. I don’t want message them hard core. I continue, speaking up every single time I feel unconfortable .

    I let them knoe I don’t feel good being grabbed. I feel overwhelmed.

    I feel angry being asked for things and feel better when the dynamic is about making me feel comfortable and taken care of with a man.

    That I feel resentful being pressured and feeling icky, and I like him and don’t want this to end our getting to know each other

  305.  #305lk on July 13, 2012 at 10:12 am

    lol daria : ) thanks : ))

    i felt really triggered last night because cd was saying that he’s baffled that i ever feel upset…… & somehow he wanted to share with me that his ex girlfriend was sxxually assaulted………….. & idk because what i hear from that interaction is that i’m less noble or less deserving of my feelings because nothing “horrible” has happened to me……….

    now i’m just feeling a lot of “not enough” & “unlovable” thoughts running through my brain…

  306.  #306Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Yay I don’t feel all resentful no more !!! I feel open and chill …

    I’m growing so much!!!! Expressing stuff I never got in touch with!

  307.  #307Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Help!! 😉
    Where is FW when you need her lol?!

  308.  #308Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Lk – ugh. Yuck I feel unworthy thinking of me in that situation grrrrrrrrrrrrr I feel icky


  309.  #309Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I used to be like that to myself- like who r u to have problems, your parents are not on crack.

    Grr I felt so unimportant and ashamed.,., kept me fr getting in touch w how fuchkrd up I was ! 🙂

    But now I stand firmly in mu right to know I’m as fuchkrd up as Anyone else 🙂

  310.  #310Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Also I told him some pretty scary stuff from my past and he was writing really comforting stuff, where he used to judge every little thing…I feel heard. I feel glad and amazed.

  311.  #311lk on July 13, 2012 at 10:22 am

    daria… i expressed that to him………… but…………

    idk. like…… i guess that is “just my stuff” ?? but……. i don’t want to feel that way : ( it felt bad : (

  312.  #312Sunshine on July 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Thanks Daria for relating! When I feel dissapointed I invert back to myself out of habit..I start to wonder…am I a prude? am I uptight? I bet any girl in this opportunity would have loved this guys attention…etc. its just negative thoughts trying to make me feel like its my fault when these things happen and that Im the one thats not understanding dating and hes perfectly normal. I feel frustrated and tired of trying to rationalize the other person’s behavior. At the end of the day doesnt matter whos wrong or right but about how i feel. thanks for relating

  313.  #313Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 10:27 am


    How about “I feel honored” or “I feel respect”…both for his willingness to hear you and to share with you.
    I know we’re not supposed to make it about HIM. Hmmm

    I feel honored when a man shares his heart with me.
    I feel such respect for a man who is able so share his stories with me and honor for the strength it takes to do that.


  314.  #314Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Or even “I feel grateful and heard”

  315.  #315Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Thank you Pamelala!!!! Great suggestions!!! I feel warm hearing this 🙂

  316.  #316Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

    He never ever revealed anything like this. I am amazed. The ‘hard man’ is shy and admits it to me.

  317.  #317Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Yay, Tam, I feel happy.

    For me, I feel so open and warm when a man sees me – especially after seeing the bad stuff – and accepts me and engages with me heart to heart. Mmmmm good stuff…now I miss K.
    (((my longing for K)))
    (((Tam…you’re doing such good work!!)))

  318.  #318Zara on July 13, 2012 at 10:33 am

    217  Tam

    I feel unsure I should jump in again yet I feel admirative of the openness with witch you receive sirens’ comments so I will take the dare.

    *** yes, when he used the ‘whatever’ I just said that I didn’t feel like sharing anymore, and was feeling sleepy and wished him a good night.
    That was when asked his little question:

    did I p*** ( and my pet name) off?’

    much like a child looking for approval/forgiveness from mother. That’s how it felt. ***

    This is all judgment.
    Remember my first post to you, where I point that you are being inauthentic, and all out of your body, projecting your walls on him?
    I see it again happening in this comment.

    It is OK, as I said in a later post, our journey is a step by step journey and we sometimes slip and put walls back up. But we notice because it feels tight and dark. We notice what we did or said or thought and we morph into a better feeling. We notice that we are judging again and we catch ourselves and put ourselves back into ourselves.
    We notice, we breath and we question our thoughts (judgments).
    And walls deletes themselves in one go. Magical.
    And we go on with our feel good journey.

    He said “whatever”
    I live my life from inside me and everything out of me is just that: out of me. How do I know what it is for sure? How can I paint negativity on outside words other than with my own negativity? How can I feel he brushed me away other than when I am brushing myself/him away?

    So he said “whatever” and I feel ewwww.
    Yet I notice this in me because when a feeling is bad I question it.
    Good feelings work for me, I enjoy them , I don’t question them.
    Bad feelings don’t work for me, so I question them until I feel good again. And I ask myself “How do I know what “whatever” means in his world? He is wanting to speak to me, it does not make sense that he is openly brushing me away.” or “can I be sure “whatever” has a dismissive meaning to everybody? Is there a possibility the word whatever means something different to him? Let’s ask him what he means”
    so I ask him what he means with “whatever”
    I ask what people means when I feel bad about what I read or hear. My feelings are about the meaning I give to words and life.
    By leaving the conversation without telling him the truth walls went back up. I am the one who brushed him away.
    Luckily, authenticity deletes the walls, I feel free as soon as I get back in my body and tell my truth. No walls are up for ever, it is what I want it to be, moment by moment, one at a time.

    I can say:
    “I feel unsure about the “whatever” word. I don’t know what it is addressing or what it means in this context”
    And chances are he answers:
    “I mean that what you feel as a big secret is not bad at all, sweetie. I don’t see anything in your secret worth making you feel bad. I was expecting a big horrible stuff but this is so human, you are still shiny to me, the secret is only one more sparkle of your light. You know , like, “whatever guilt you feel for what you did, I don’t see but your bright light.”

    *** That was when asked his little question:

    did I p*** ( and my pet name) off?’ ***
    This is my clue he did not mean to brush you away. He felt clueless why you said “I don’t feel like sharing any more”.

    ***much like a child looking for approval/forgiveness from mother. That’s how it felt. ***
    That’s not a feeling, sweetie. That’s your judgment of your own meaning of his words. It has little to do with him.

  319.  #319Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Ambition vs passion focus vs openness

    Hmmm I feel si tight in the abdomen

    Ok notion yes brings up images of dad yelling intimidating me, crushing me, in that way that seems to come from someone else

    D now I’m sobbing

    And feel resentful of people who asked me to stop mu processing like my healing was unimportant I feel angry

    I feel sad

    Ok see there

    My brain did a blamy thing and I got all out of those sonny feelings that felt so awful. And now I’m back

    I’m touching them

    I feel do bad dad wants to crush me 🙁



    I feel bettayed

    He doesn’t love me

    I adore him

    I’m crying like this happened now I’m wailing w hot tears

    Those thoughts aren’t true

    I feel resentful that he didn’t deal e his triggers well enough to protect me




    How could he do this to me
    More brain blame there

  320.  #320Ella on July 13, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I have not been on here for a while.

    Well my relationship is going simmingly at the moment! Which feels great.

    It is the rest of my life I am struggling to manage right now.

    I just had to cancel my Zumba class tonight, due to feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

    Cancelling classes is something I usually try to avoid at all costs, however it is something I just needed to do this evening.

    It is that time of the month, and I am having period cramps, plus I had to stay up till 2am last night to finish an ironing job, and then get up at 7am this morning to go and train a client.

    On the plus side, my fitness business has finally taken off… big time.

    Just in the last few weeks, it seems to have all come together, and everything I was asking for and manifesting and working for has suddenly fallen into place.

    I feel very appreciative and was on cloud nine.

    And now I am in a position where I have too much work going on.

    I need to drop some of my other small jobs, that I was doing to fill in and earn extra money until the fitness business picked up.

    And I just feel a little afraid to let go.

    There is always that fear that the work will dry up again, and of course I am only just climbing up out of the debts I had accumulated.

    I want to let go of my pub shifts, so that I can concentrate exclusively on my fitness business, and I am just fearful of making that final leap.

    Altough everything in my being tells me it is the right way to go, and it feels right, I still don’t want to be rash.

    That job has provided the bread and butter money (although it is very low pay) that has kept my head above water while I worked to build up my business.

    And I know I can’t keep working like this.

    I am literally burning the candle at all ends, and feeling drained and not at my best.

    And this is not at all the energy I want to bring to my fitness clients. They, and I, deserve more.

    So I guess it is time for me to make that committment, to my business, to me.

    I have to decide. And I think I am going to chose to take that leap of faith and finally give myself to my business, and just have faith that everything will continue to fall into place.

    I really feel that I need to free up some precious energy to allow myself to really be available to allow my business and my clients the best chance to flourish.

    I hope I am making the right choice. It feels like a good path for me.

    Thanks for listening.

  321.  #321Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Thank you Zara, so true. Like I said, i just discovered my own big issues and suspect it will take me time to rise above them. I can’t expect that he opens up before me as we have exactly the same painful childhood experience…we shared that much already.
    He opened up that much already and I followed at the time. Now it’s my turn to open up without judgement….difficult 🙂

  322.  #322Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Pamelala, thank you too… what’s the state of play with K??

  323.  #323Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Ella cool!!! All else will follow!!! Think positive, the Universe is with you!!

  324.  #324lk on July 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

    (((ella))) sounds good : ))))

  325.  #325Smile on July 13, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Lots of learning going on, on the blog today. Makes me inspired!

    Hmm… I noticed something about myself today. I Was sat at the traffic lights waiting for them to turn green. The guy in the car in the next lane was looking at me. My initial reaction was to look away when I saw him.

    I want to learn to be able to meet men’s eyes and hold it.

  326.  #326Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:50 am


  327.  #327Daria on July 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

    I’m feeling better….. soooooo excited about my healing !!

  328.  #328Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Tam I feel really impressed by this huge journey you have made in such a short space of time.

  329.  #329Tam on July 13, 2012 at 10:58 am

    FW, i feel scared. Is it real? I hope so.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 11:02 am

    RE 302 Men process a little slower than us. He is obviously inspired by openness but maybe his brain needs time to catch up.

  331.  #331Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Tam embrace the fear. It is usually there when we come out of our comfort zone.

  332.  #332Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 11:07 am


    K and I have been together for a couple of months and are doing the *gasp* exclusive thing. I am CDing my girlfriends in order to keep engaged with the outside world, to get my vibe going and keep myself interesting, but other than that it’s K.

    He is super masculine, attentive and pursuing. He lives only 3 miles away, but he calls 2-3 times a day just to check in, say good morning/night, or make plans to get together. He plans all of our dates and is talking about a possible vacation in the future. I buys me little gifts and cards on a regular basis and is strong in all my weak places (particularly in the area of sexuality where I’ve asked him to be the “protector” and ensure that we don’t have sex before we are fully bonded…it’s what I want and he has been so good about that…not that we haven’t adjusted boundaries along the way) 🙂

    I’m awash in oxytocin at the moment and am aware of that and trying to keep that in mind as we are getting closer and learning more about each other.

    He travels for work throughout the summer…as much as it is difficult to be away from him, I think it has been good for keeping things slow and forcing us to engage verbally.

    That’s where we’re at. I think that’s what you were asking.

    Ugh…I’m so swoony over this guy…I hope that time proves him to be the man he says he is. If so, it is quite possible that he is Mr. Right. Time is a great revealer of all things…so I am waiting and enjoying the journey.


  333.  #333Tam on July 13, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Fw, I feel so unbelievably grateful to you. Your brickwall comment together with Mr U saying I was secretive unravelled 28 years if pain and hiding behind a front…suddenly it all clicked. I am so happy to have the answer to my pain and being able to work on it, it is so much bigger than a relationship or Mr Right – it’s about healing myself. I am so grateful and scared – but good-scared. I feel tearful.

  334.  #334ReceivingGirl on July 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

    @21 Tam, I agree 100% with Dominique.

  335.  #335Tam on July 13, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Pamelala, I like the sound of K. There is nothing wrong about being swoony – he sounds lovely. I feel so happy for you!!!
    Keep us posted!

    FW thank you, it feels so comforting to read your posts. I feel like they wrap me in a blanket. 🙂

  336.  #336Smile on July 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I’m inspired to use my passion and energy to concentrate on my career. I thoughtvi was ready to settle down and start a family…since that’s not happening I need a new focus!

    I’m excited about the places I can go!

  337.  #337Femininewoman on July 13, 2012 at 12:10 pm


    I throw myself Over There, to where she is. I move myself away from myself, and focus on her nose, her eyes, her words. I don`t remember anything more except that she was smiling, and pretty thrilled and breathless about her dream, what with the chase, the rollercoaster and the mistaken identities, and that I wasn`t even there.

    When there`s someone else talking, you can bypass your brain and get instantly present by going to Level 2 Listening. Here`s how it works:

    Level 1 Listening is It`s all about me. Level 2 is It`s all about you. Listening at Level 3 is a bit esoteric – It`s all about everything. Listening to someone and then feeling heard by them is an unbelievable experience – and it`s very rare. Most of us are at Level 1 all the time. Most of the time, we aren`t really listening, we`re thinking about ourselves – what we`re going to say next, what we think about the other person, that our pants are too tight, we have a pimple on our chin, anything but the person right in front of us.

    When we`re in a conversation with someone, and we`re thinking about how what that person is saying relates to us, we`re at Level 1. I may be sitting or standing here talking with you, but actually I`m all in my own head about me. Oh, that happened to me too! Or I wonder if he likes my hair or I wonder if he`ll ask me out. There is nothing wrong with Level 1 Listening – in other words, being all about ourselves – except that it limits our ability to really relate to others.

    Level 2 Listening is the complete reverse of Level 1. Imagine how, when you`re utterly in love with someone, all you can see is their face, all you can hear is their voice, all you can smell is their breath and cologne. Their words and the feelings they express are, in that moment, the most important things in the world to you. In fact, the only things in the world.

    When you listen to a man, really Listen at Level 2, you will change the moment, the interaction, the entire relationship. And as a result, he will change – almost overnight.

    A man you think you`re not attracted to might suddenly open up and become really attractive to you once you find out about him. To do this, just relax. Relax completely and be over there, with him. Let yourself go as though you no longer exist.

    Your thoughts are just passing through – you`re over there. You don`t have to talk, or smile, or do anything.

    Just listen.

  338.  #338lk on July 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    alright…. imma riff this out & then go do a chore before i get this computer issue resolved…………………

    UMMMM OKKKK GO lk. my tummy feels squeeze-y : (((( aww (((hugs))) baby girl ! too bad your tummy feels weird….. i don’t want a weird-feeling tummy (((hugs))) good girl….. what’s under it ? the girl. OK i know…. (((lk))) that’s ok…. (((girl))) poor girl….. (((sad))) it’s ok……. looser in my tummy…… what about me ?? awww & judging myself as “selfish” too (((selfishself))) it’s ok….. what about “it’s not fair” – it never is – there is no such thing ! lol…. (((“injustice”))) breaking heart ((lk)) breathing…….. & “all those things”……. (((mysteries))) my desire to control (((my desire to control))) my inability to control (((helplessness))) sweet girl…. sweet heart….. hugs….. what about “biases, hxtred, & anger” (((((((biases)))))))) (((((“hxtred”))))) ((((anger))))

    i’m not Worse! i’m not… broken… i’m not terrible…

    he doesn’t want to be with her…. he doesn’t hold her above me in his mind……. he was telling me a story…….. about human suffering…….. because he wants me to realize how wonderful our life is : ) & he wants to enjoy it TOGETHER. with both of us happy…. awww (((cd)))

    he’s not trying to tell me i’m not a “real” human because i haven’t “really” suffered……. he’s just sharing with me that from his perspective, i don’t HAVE to suffer…. it’s a choice i’m making (((lk))) it’s ok baby…. i don’t mind you or your “whining”…. i’m listening to you…. what do you need ?

    time, mornings, stretching, secret-telling, hugging : )))) awwww hugs (((lk)))… writing. discipline. i’m really doing pretty good ! good girl lk!

    the music thing……. you hear “no one talented went to school to learn their talent” ……….. you React, “i went to school… i feel de-valued ! ” lk….. silly girl…. lol no one is talking about you ! talking about “general” ideas about “artists”… many are not Formally Trained…. many are…. no one is “attacking” you………… i feel afraid that means that cd finds me “hollow” or “meaningless” because i am a “mere vessel for Bureaucratic Training”…. but that isn’t true : )) i know it isn’t : )

    cd is amazed & impressed with you actually ! wow….. can you feel that way about yourself ???……… kind of . i feel resistant to it. it’s not bad ! you can do that ! it’s ok though…. (((lk))) it’s ok i won’t make you do it right now : )

    picturing maybe wearing a hot pink mini dress for dinner tonight…….. feeling shamed about my scars on my legs : ) ((((((Lk))))))) i’m not hxting on you! you are ok ! even though “other girls” have “perfect legs” i don’t mind your legs… i love them, actually ! they carry me wherever i ask them to ! wow…. thank you legs : )))) thank you defensiveness for helping me ask myself questions & pointing out places where i doubt or fear myself… thank you anger for helping me find places where i am living outside of my desires….. thank you jealousy for helping me see things that i perceive as “valuable” & for giving me a spark of “energy” to bring more of those things into my life…….. thank you lk for not exploding & “giving up” when you feel strong emotions…… ((lk))

  339.  #339Ella on July 13, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Thanks Girls


    It just occured to me that I can think of my business like my relationships with men, ie: ever evolving.

    So there is not just 1 right path, and I can just gently keep honing it, and saying no to what doesn’t feel right and trusting that what is good for me is there and will find me.

    And keep breathing!


    That feels so much better.

    I feel better already to think about it that way.

    That it is not all about one choice (or one man) its about making the best choices for me in the moment, saying no to stuff that doesn’t feel good, taking it slow, breathing, and the rest will all take care of itself.

    As with my man/relationship, I don’t know or control the outcome, but its all ok and I do trust that good things are meant for me.

    And I can receive that.

    Wow, that feels so good.

    I may actually have the space to have a little read and catch up with other Sirens now too.

    I hope you are all well.

    I have missed you all.

  340.  #340Smile on July 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    OMG I feel sick to my stomach. So many negative voices in my head 

    Strumming man hasn’t been on Facebook for over a year. Suddenly he’s back on.

    I’ve haven’t heard from him since I asked him what I should do about the wedding invite. He still hasn’t let me know.

    I know he is back on fb as his family are going away on a ling holiday and this is his way of keeping in touch.

    Im anxious that he has withdrawn again. I was doing so well until I saw his profile in my newsfeed. Came as a shock.

    Feeling anxious and sick

  341.  #341Ella on July 13, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    lk I LOVE you riff in 338

    It feels so loving and I felt warm and loved reading it!

    I too have not perfect legs and am practicing loving them.

    I am getting better at loving them. They are rather lovely, and I don’t even try to hide my little thread veins from S when he looks at my legs these days.

    I used to.

    And now I love my legs too.


  342.  #342Smile on July 13, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Oh no stop me from looking at photos of him! I’m crumbling!

  343.  #343Tam on July 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Suddenly, I feel even more scared. In my head I had totally let go of Mr U and now he opened up, he is back in the race – but I do not want to get hung up. I want to stay on my bridge. I feel it would have been easier had he disappeared.
    But I take it as a chance to learn and grow.
    I feel happy and scared that he opened up.

  344.  #344Annie on July 13, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    Rori Raye says:

    “Yep, Annie – if he’s complaining, he’s hung up. He’s incomplete, he’s reactive – he still has issues. AND – he doesn’t like or trust women. I’d get away from ANY man who calls any other woman a “bitch.” Love, Rori”

    Ty Rori, I felt that in my gut and did want to get away from him when I head this.
    This happens when he goes back in his head rather than being in the moment or looking forward.
    So I feel sure you are right as once we have healed if we went back in our heads we would no longer be being reactive about it.

    I don’t feel triggered when a man or woman calls another woman a bitch or biatch in consensual fun and banter.

    I just feel the difference.
    Gosh it feels so scary.
    Is he my mirror?
    Am I now further along transforming myself by rejecting this knowing I don’t want this and it is not really safe for me to be with a man who reacts like this in conflict.

    I now feel safer and more trusting in myself.
    Still feels scary though.
    The only person at the moment I feel fully trusting of is myself and that feels very scary.

  345.  #345Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Okay, I’m switching this round. How bout telling myself this is another line open for him to contact me on…

  346.  #346Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Step away from the computer and take care of yourself. What types of things to you love to do? Are passionate about? Can get lost in?

  347.  #347Dancing Siren on July 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Ummme, so it is interesting to think that I don’t have to be exclusive with S.

    I can be.

    I am at the moment.

    Because it suits me.

    But I don’t have to be.

    He actually has no official hold over me.

    And deep down he knows this too.

    Despite what society tries to tell us about how we must be exclusive with a man for a period of time before we can expect marriage. I have a feeling men don’t really buy into this anymore than we do.

    I hear my Inner Drama Queen ROARING with the audacity of it all. I hear her howling to be let loose.

    How DARE he assume to keep me all to himself before he has offered me a ring!

    Even with talking about it, how DARE he ask for that before he has made a plan for marriage.

    But who am I really cross at?

    Him? Or me for accepting that offer?

    And don’t get me wrong.

    I like this offer.

    I like it a lot.

    And it just feels totally temporary to me until there is a ring.

    And I don’t even have to figure out the details.

    The first step is to stay open to other men in my mind, as in, until I am offered a ring, not to attach thoughts about my future to any one man.

    I am there. I accept this.

    I do often daydream about a POSSIBLE future with S, and I feel aware that at present it is just that, only 1 possibility out of many.

    I feel ok with that.

    I know I would be sad if we didn’t move forward, maybe, and I would be ok.

    And he would be very, very lucky to get me 🙂

    And step 2, well that is to actually make myself available to men out there again. I haven’t been feeling that, I’ve been feeling shut down.

    I intend to be open again.

    Babystep 1, doesn’t even have to be real dates, it can just be a willingness to be open and available to other men.

    I have even seen happily married women do this.

    I can do this babystep.

    I am going to do that to start with and see how that feels.

    Now I am going to have some dinner because I feel hungry.

  348.  #348Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Pamelala I’ve got Facebook on my phone. This makes the temptation greater. I’m also working on my computer. Before I was inspired to work on my career after some really great training. I need to get back concentrating on this.

  349.  #349Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Oh no this gets worse… He’s set up another Facebook account and is only friends with a select few… Of which I’m not included 🙁

    This actually fires me up.

    It makes things clearer about where I stand with him!

    I am so replying one to the invite!!!

    I’m triggered!

  350.  #350Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    This girl is moving on….!

  351.  #351Annie on July 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm


    “lol daria : ) thanks : ))

    i felt really triggered last night because cd was saying that he’s baffled that i ever feel upset…… & somehow he wanted to share with me that his ex girlfriend was sxxually assaulted….”

    I feel triggered. I had a man do this to me about his ex wife without her knowledge.
    I feel sad about this.
    If a woman chooses to share this information then that feels ok.
    But for another to then share that information with a third party without her knowledge or permission.
    It feels truly truly awful.
    OMG worse than awful.

    If the victim feels happy for it to be public knowledge it feels ok to me.

    What do you think?

  352.  #352Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I’m feeling low

    I feel unimportant

    I feel miserable

    I feel alone

    My body aches

    I feel used

  353.  #353Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

  354.  #354Smile on July 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I will not act in my triggered feelings. I will feel them and then move on.

  355.  #355Dancing Siren on July 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I have thought about telling him that I want to date others again.

    I nearly said it the other day.

    But then it didn’t feel quite right.

    I could though.

    I wonder how it would feel to say it ‘I am going to date other people until such time as it feels right for marriage’


    Its not right now though.

    And the main reason is because I don’t want to date others!

    Not at all.

    In fact I can’t imagine a less appealing thought than all those dodgy dates I used to go on…

    Although, allowing myself to be courted, taken out, and not closing down my options, lifting my vibe that way, could feel really, really good.

    Remember I am a high value woman.

    I could get stolen away at any moment!

  356.  #356Tam on July 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    you are lovely. stay on the bridge…

  357.  #357Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Thank you tam.

    Huge realisation just set in that subconsciously I have been waiting for him.

  358.  #358lk on July 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    idk annie…… i notice myself feeling panicky reading your reaction…… i hadn’t felt upset because it was a breach of trust or anything…….. i just felt upset having it shown to me as a comparison for how some humans do suffer physically……. i feel “dismissed” & “second”………….. i also do not really want to know about his sxxual relationship with another partner….

  359.  #359Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Hmm I know I will hear from him again, when I asked him to give his key back and move his stuff out, he only took some of it. This is when he said he wanted to put things right and slowly he started leaning forward again. Now though he has withdrawn when things started to seems closer again

  360.  #360Tam on July 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    356 and 358. I feel sad when I read that Smile. I can relate. The hot and cold. I really don’t get it and probably never will.

  361.  #361Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Tam, I hate being in the grey.

    I know we are not together but we lived together so we still have attached things like I have all his furniture, he still has stuff in the house, sentimental stuff I cannot just keep or chuck out. Out house deposit is in his name… 8 months now since he moved out!!! How long will this go on for! I feel like a yo yo going back and to.

  362.  #362Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    I’m back in the position I was when I first joined the blog.

  363.  #363Tam on July 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Smile that sounds awful…are you CD-ing? To get out and take your mind off a little?

  364.  #364Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm


    293 – Thank you! That sounds pretty ideal to me!

  365.  #365Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    Tam- I’m trying to circular date myself and stay open to male attention. I’ve never been single. Had 3 serious long term relationships back to back so trying to take time for myself. I’m managing to fill my life up and have lots of friends and family. Im not open to going on dates with men at the minute. I’m not brave enough to do this yet.

  366.  #366lk on July 13, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    i’m feeling messed up about this……

    ok lk. it’s ok. your feelings can’t hurt you… i feel shaky & heart-beat-y…… i feel like running or yelling or trying to rip something…………. that feels better…

    i feel….. angry ? …….. being told that story…. it feels like i’m not being heard. & i want to feel heard & i want to feel like i’m “allowed” to have my full range of human emotions…. & i don’t want to be compared to other women or feel like i’m being compared to other women…. & i don’t want to hear something sxxual about my partner’s ex……..& i’m feeling confused. because i feel sure the story was shared with me for a Good “reason”…. & i can’t “hear” what the “lesson” was…. i feel curious what he meant by sharing that story…..

  367.  #367ruth on July 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    evening ladies(well, it is here)
    Soooo much to process
    i am feeling a little overwhelmed

    Also a little stupid
    tried another feeling message with him and have been ignored for the last 5 hours

    Smile-being single is good

    Sometimes i wish i was

  368.  #368ruth on July 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Anyway, its good night from me

    I will read back tomorrow, might not say much, still feeling a bit scared and new
    Hope you all have something nice in your respective days


  369.  #369Smile on July 13, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Ruth- I feel curious to be single without feeling invested in a man

    Thank you for contributing

  370.  #370lk on July 13, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    i think maybe i could slow myself down by saying things like…… “hmmm i’m noticing myself feeling a little tensed up around something…. i feel a little lost, maybe you could help me…. because when you’re saying/doing X…. i’m hearing/seeing Y…. & when i feel like Y is happening, i feel Z, and i don’t want to feel that way with you & i don’t want to feel that way in my relationship”

    that sounds slow & gentle & easy : ) thanks lk ((hugs))

  371.  #371Zara on July 13, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    190: Silver Moonbeam

    Hey nice to see you Silver Moonbeam! 🙂

  372.  #372Smile on July 13, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    Feeling too agitated to sleep 🙁

    You will be okay smile- just keep swimming

  373.  #373lk on July 13, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    help ! i feel afraid (((lk))) it’s ok, i’ll keep you “safe” : )) you can trust me (((((((((lk))))))))) there there it’s ok… you’re ok……. i would let you cry, but you’re not “sad” so i don’t really know what kind of physical release i could give you……..that wasn’t bad….i crunched myself up taut toe-to-nose & then released & puffed my breaths out………. my elbows hurt (((elbows))) my tummy hurts (((tum))) poor girl …..you get “sad” so easy… lol…….. oh, yeah, i’m not Sad – i’m MAD lol…. yeah ! i’m flipping ANGRY – gnashing of teeth ! grrrrrrrrr good girl yes angry angry furrowed brow good girl that’s authentic & good for you i love you are you ok ? i’m ok

  374.  #374Smile on July 13, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    You can turn this around smile

  375.  #375Annie on July 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm


    “i’m feeling messed up about this……

    ok lk. it’s ok. your feelings can’t hurt you… i feel shaky & heart-beat-y…… i feel like running or yelling or trying to rip something…………. that feels better…

    i feel….. angry ? …….. being told that story…. it feels like i’m not being heard. & i want to feel heard & i want to feel like i’m “allowed” to have my full range of human emotions…. & i don’t want to be compared to other women or feel like i’m being compared to other women…. & i don’t want to hear something sxxual about my partner’s ex……..& i’m feeling confused. because i feel sure the story was shared with me for a Good “reason”…. & i can’t “hear” what the “lesson” was…. i feel curious what he meant by sharing that story…..”

    Hi lk, earlier you said you felt second class.
    I remember an earlier post of Roris.
    Her question was, why are you tolerating feeling second class.

    So what do think the lesson is, if you look at this as an observer. If this was happening to someone else who you cared for.

    What would you want to to say to them?

    I would want to say.
    What are you thinking?
    Is this a good man for you?
    Is this what you want to tolerate feeling second class?

  376.  #376Tam on July 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Smile, I have been single for almost 5 years but there was almost always a man in the picture…to get hung up on. Sigh. Hopefully these days are over.
    To be honest, when there wasn’t anybody I was bored!!!
    I am fed up of being single but I don’t want to settle.

    I admire that you want to concentrate on yourself, it is a great opportunity also, even if it looks difficult now…

  377.  #377Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Lk, you’re such a great communicator, you will find the way to get your message thru. His reason could be very simple, sometimes it’s easier just to ask.. which is what you’re planning to do anyway;)

  378.  #378Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    I feel alone tonight, like everyone else got invited to the party and I am alone once again, to entertain myself. I am going to go swim at the bay, but it feels lonely. It would feel romantic to do that with R. Very romantic. And he knows it. Because he said it. And I think that’s why he’s avoiding me. I don’t want to be alone and without romance.

    I want to be loved and cherished and touched and looked at and talked with. I want to do activities with R, not just text him. I want to cook with him, walk, play with the dogs, cuddle…

    I want it all. I feel like I am being treated second class when a man only texts me. I feel sad.

  379.  #379Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:31 pm


    275 – Awwww!! That felt really good to read!

  380.  #380Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm


    252 – I’m still recovering, LOL

  381.  #381Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Hello Sirens!!

    So here’s my inquiry today…

    Is being flirty a bad thing? I’m very flirty by nature and most guys misunderstand me.

  382.  #382Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm


    I feel bad that you’re feeling sad. But isn’t controlling to want all those things? I feel like you’re expecting things to happen… and then you get anxious, and you get sad. All of your feelings and emotions have to do with R. I would try to detach from him a little bit. What do you think? I would feel stuck longing for someone who I can’t even sense he wants to be with me…

  383.  #383Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I feel like you get sunk on your emotions and that it is in his power whether you feel good or sad.

  384.  #384Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Like… I get sad too. But I don’t need him to do anything to feel good again.

  385.  #385Jilly on July 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Jasmine…being flirty is so sirens and alluring…yum! 🙂

  386.  #386Jilly on July 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    I feel so happy today…AND I made a few meals and snacks that I feel good about to keep on hand for the next few days! yum! I’m not much of a “chef” per say, but I do like to have my food prepared. I made some mushroom burgers and cut up a BUNCH of veggies to put in a green cabbage wrap with homemade guacamole…and I’m not even vegetarian ha!

    I am also beginning to work out again since my surgery and I feel itchy and restless to get moving. 🙂

    I feel excited about feeling strong and in shape again..I’m going to start slow…with swimming…Rugby Man and I want to do a triathlon together…this feels dreamy to me.

    I’m off to the store to buy some swimming goggles and a cap.

  387.  #387Jilly on July 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    oh ya…this is what I was thinking earlier…

    I am feeling really hormonal right now and I should start in a few days…and EVERY month at this time I go down this spiral of insecurity with Rugby Man…(it only lasts a day or two but it’s such a pattern, I don’t want to repeat this pattern anymore) I love my patterns lol

    I don’t need to do this anymore…I see that it doesn’t help me…I want to be aware of it and actually be able to pinpoint “in the moment” oh ya! here I go again…

    Ok this is what I intend! To create better feeling habits

    Thank you Universe!

  388.  #388Autumn on July 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm



    I don’t know. I feel that there is a block. I can’t seem to cry anymore at all. I have no idea why? Esp. since in the past i have always found crying so healing for me. Mostly i feel numb i think.

    I feel angry. But mostly internalize it. I want to fix things but feel helpless that i can’t.

    I really want to work on why i can’t cry anymore. I feel that it is really important. Its almost like i feel unworthy to cry…i don’t know.

  389.  #389Autumn on July 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm


    Glad you are having a better day 🙂 Sorry you were feeling sad before. You can teach me how to be more flirty naturally lol. I have also been called intimidating and unapproachable but not in a flirty sort of away. More in a stern too serious sort of a way.

    What are some ways/things that you do that are flirty?

  390.  #390lk on July 13, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    hi, annie : )) i do feel very compassionate & a little…. dare i say…… “indulgent” ? of my poor poor-me pitiful girl ((((((hugslk)))))) awww she’s a wimp ! she’s down in the dumps…. doldrums & whine …….. baby self… ((lk)) i don’t hxte on you in public, i support you : )

    however… i’m want to feel slow like molasses (never get there) to “blame” this “second-class” feeling ON my Man… who is so sweet to me (((cd))) he is so good…. he is so soft & gentle with me….. he is so patient….

    even though i may Believe that i feel “triggered” Because Of a specific person….. that’s ok. they’re just being them. i can go when i don’t want to be there. ((lk)) yeah, bxtch, i got yo’ back jus lemme know & we will ride…


    yeah, i feel really good to talk about it with him some time…….. right now i feel a bit sensitive about it. probably tomorrow morning i’ll bring it up but right now we’re going to dinner.

    i did ask him about the music / formal education stuff… & i was SO practicing & it felt amazing to be just regular feeling messages, but so focused… & it turned into a really fun, no-stress conversation that felt amazing & he was really pumping me up & i felt really seen…

    : ) yeah, so… dinner…. he looks nice… maybe i’ll switch dresses.. i feel good though : )

    thank you for asking ! & thank you for those good questions… they did help me out a lot!!

  391.  #391Starla on July 13, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    i am at home working on a friday night, lol party time.
    love to me and getting this work out of the way so i have my weekend to luxuriate and do me

  392.  #392Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 5:50 pm


    I’m more of a combination of things.. Guys say I’m intimidating, mysterious…. but I’m also sexy and flirty and I like myself and I let them see that. I feel like a model. I like every feature of my body. My eyes play a big part. I smile a lot, laugh at their jokes, when they flirt with me I keep up their convos in a “game” type of way. I’m naughty.. I seem mean hahah. I talk, tease… I’m friendly, show myself confident, happy, independent… It’s a lot of things.

  393.  #393Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Thank you Jilly!!

    I just don’t like when guys take it the wrong way lol. That’s just me.

  394.  #394Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Also Autumn,

    I just feel like I can get what I want.

  395.  #395Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:11 pm


    382ff – Wow, you read like a seasoned Siren! Thank you, you are right on! You helped me regain my focus and to see myself more objectively.

    381 – Flirting: Rori talks about the man initiating. The way we flirt most effectively is to “lean back”, like a wall flower, like a waterwheel that receives.

    Flirting using Rori’s tools looks like silently smiling and making prolonged eye contact until a man initiates conversation with you. And dress up!

    Experiment with it. You can experiment being over the top reaching out, and see how you feel. Then you can experiment with slinking close to the wall at a party, and silently smiling and making eye contact…see how you feel, and be surprised, because you will find men approaching you!

  396.  #396Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:15 pm


    Oh yeah. I never initiate anything.

  397.  #397Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:17 pm


    You got it goin on, girl! 🙂

    You know what?? When I mentioned that three years ago R asked me what I wanted to name my first daughter, I said “Jasmine”. 🙂 I get a little catch in my throat each time I see your name on the blog, LOL.

  398.  #398Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    hahahaha that’s so sweet!!

    Actually, Jasmine is the name I want for my daughter, LOL

  399.  #399Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:20 pm


    Cool! The name I chose was Jasmine Alexandra!

    Did you choose a middle name?

  400.  #400Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Tony Robbins is at QVC in the town close to where I live right now! I wish I could meet him!

  401.  #401Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Jasmine Gadish

  402.  #402Starla on July 13, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    i have man crackhead tendencies, this i can see! but this whole time i thought my man crack addiction was “bigger” than me, but it’s not! I can “help” it. I can choose to do other things than pine for hits of man crack.

  403.  #403Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:39 pm


    Go see him!

  404.  #404Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:40 pm


    401 – Thanks for sharing! I wonder if Gadish has a meaning? I wonder where you got it?

  405.  #405Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Here is an update on Lucy. The Company in charge of everything for her daughter to have medical transport home from Denmark to the US has screwed up and so the choices are come back tomorrow without the necessary equipment or wait several days inn have a cost several 1000 more $.

    Looks like the financial details are worked out too but this has left some pretty heavy debt and of course her care must continue when she returns. But still she’s not home yet and even with medical care the flight will be rough. Thanks to everyone who helped and please continue to hold them in your prayers.

    Caety is doing better(which unfortunately does not mean recovered from her disease), and got incredible care in Denmark. They are trying to get scheduled to come home this coming Saturday pending medical approval and finances, big bill from hotel and then several weeks in a hostel which was in an old building and between the cigarettes and the mustiness of it Melanie’s asthma has been a problem. They are nervous about the flight home, understandably, even with the medical care aspect. That is all I know. Thank you, everyone!

    The total takes a few days to update so your donation may not show up right away. It says $80 right now but this is wrong.
    Chip In won’t let me changes the $85K total. We really only need about $12,000
    ChipIn: Bring Caety Home! Young woman needs medical flight from Denmark to USA!
    It looks like you’re using this site without JavaScript enabled! Note that without enabling JavaScript, much of the functionality of this site will not be available to you. Here’s how to enable JavaScript.

  406.  #406Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 6:49 pm


    403 – Gas is too limited.

  407.  #407Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    I made it up 🙂 I actually thought about God when I thought of it. God==Goddess==and then more persona, Gadish. I wanted it to mean something big, powerful, like the universe. I was thinking about me when I came up with the name. I named myself Jasmine Gadish. It has a story behind it but the sky was my inspiration. It was a lovely night. So I thought it would be a cute name for my baby.

  408.  #408Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    more personal*

  409.  #409Esteemed on July 13, 2012 at 7:03 pm


    Thanks for sharing! That is beautiful!!!

  410.  #410Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    heheh it felt good to share

  411.  #411Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Jasmine 410 – when you say things like “it feels so good to share!” that is where the feminine spark is. You can start sprinkling those sorts of messages into your communications with me, and it will transform the ‘intimidating’ thing completely.

    i have a personality just like yours as you described it, and relating my own experience, both generally and in real-time, to men in feeling messages, sets me apart and magnetizes them to me. of course they’re intimidated, because i’m amazing hehe, but they can’t help themselves because there is something soft and safe about me that they can’t resist. it’s like the most exciting challenge they’ve ever believed they could actually win.

  412.  #412Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    *start sprinkling in your communications with MEN, not with me. oops, typos!

  413.  #413Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:25 pm


    Hahaha I was like, with you? But then I figured it out. I know! I feel more inspirational now, it’s easier for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I feel like I talk smooth, and everything flows now.

    This afternoon I was talking with a friend of mine and I was telling her about this blog because she’s stuck in a relationship with a guy and she doesn’t feel loved, and like things are pretty much going nowhere. So I was telling her about circular dating… I started using my feminine energy and I suddenly came up with the thought “You don’t know what you want until you have options”. And when I told her that it felt so powerful!! I hadn’t even thought about that but the freedom with which I was expressing myself let me arrive to that thought. And it makes a lot of sense!

    I feel good 🙂

  414.  #414Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Still though, I’m having a hard time trying to use it with guys.

  415.  #415Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    I meant I feel inspired lol.

    My english = Second language 😀

  416.  #416Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Jasmine, wow, it feels like i’m witnessing your shell breaking open and an even more magnificent, feeling, wondrous version of you is being revealed. i feel so good and gratified seeing this amazing quick transformation. you are incredible!

  417.  #417Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    Thank you Starla, your words are encouraging!!

  418.  #418Pamelala on July 13, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    416: +1 me too! Jasmine, you are blossoming.

  419.  #419Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I had to look up that word hahah thanks!!

  420.  #420Starla on July 13, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    yay, i feel so lit up and like i’m being charged up with magic when i learn new words! communication/description/imagination magic!

  421.  #421Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I just realized it is easier for me to be in feminine energy in English than in Spanish. It’s so weird.

  422.  #422Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    And I just updated my fb status..

    “I feel beautiful, sexy, powerful. I love myself ♥”

  423.  #423Starla on July 13, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    Jasmine, this has been an ongoing discussion/debate here about if it’s easier to use feeling messages in English v. other languages. One day I hope to conduct a formal linguistic study of this:)

    I use me siento in spanish, but it’s my 3rd language, so I’m not sure if men respond well to it because it comes off as natural to them, or if they think “awww, cute, the white girl speaks a funny spanish” hehe

  424.  #424Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    He texted tonight! That he moved in and something about the boy. i wished him good luck at the new place and shared that I was in the park with friends, watching a concert. Didn’t know how to use a FM, but used ‘oh’ and ‘wow’ at least.

    FW may be right about my ‘pattern’. Funny that I don’t have it at the beginning, I keep my cool. But later when it’s a closer relationship I feel obligated to invest my best. Not sure how to explain this.. it feels more like equal partners situation, plus I am a perfectionist and a pretty loyal friend, so I do everything that I would do for a close friend.. which is not necessarily right ina romantic situation I guess?

  425.  #425Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    I am not sure how to express that I want calls in addition to texts and see each other twice a week. It would be pretty stupid to say this now given he had to move this week. Last weekend I said that I feel lonely sometimes. He looked worried: with me?? I said no, without you;) I’d feel so good if we saw each other more often! Maybe I should wait. Plus we still don’t have plans to meet;)

  426.  #426LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Is it possible to have too much feminine power? To open up and give into it too much? Another alpha male and I’m feeling engulfed and I’m feeling attached . . . Time to lean back

  427.  #427Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Hi LoveAlways!

    Met a new guy lol?

  428.  #428Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    What would be an example of too much feminine power?

  429.  #429Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    i tried on my favorite dresses and nothing looks cute or flattering anymore. maybe i deserve to buy myself a couple of inexpensive dresses while i’m in this transition size. i dunno. i feel nervous not having anything cute/that fits at all to wear to my date on sunday. and i am all giddy and nervous and worrying and i feel stupid and frustrated and kind of like punching something=/

  430.  #430LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    he is in his man cave, lean baby lean (back)

  431.  #431Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    my jeans don’t even fit right anymore.

    i have one dress that is kinda rockabilly pinup girl style, really cute, but not exactly flattering. but it’s so stylish it makes up for what it lacks in being flattering. I have a nice body and I want it to show! haha the only clothes that fit are my workout clothes (which are already becoming too big)… maybe i should show up in those, like *flexes* “sorry guy, i had to come straight from the gym”

  432.  #432LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    Hi Memulo!!!

  433.  #433LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    An HS cd (we dated when we were in HS), total alpha male, I just melted (like in Modern Siren) and was ravished . . . not what I planned . . . feminine power gone wild . . . now what do I do? All I know to do is lean back, I don’t have any other plan, feels weird and scary but right, still scary

  434.  #434LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Congrats Starla! Get that sexy on girl!

  435.  #435Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    It is settled; I am just going to wear the rockabilly girl dress. It fits better than ever, even if it is a little “conservative” up top. It’s a first date and I don’t wanna bust out the wh0re power just yet (though i do love to bust out the wh0re power eventually… i have a dangerous shirt that requires double sided tape to stay put… lol, love wearing that one!)

    whew, i feel better now that I’ve figured that out. It feels really awful agonizing over what to wear.

  436.  #436Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Yes LoveAlways, of course lean back! He is probably counting minutes before it will be cool enough to call you again 😉

  437.  #437Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:38 pm


    Isn’t it an awesome feeling that all your clothes are too BIG!!

    Btw I made an executive decision lately that it’s better to have one killer dress than a couple of inexpensive dresses.

  438.  #438Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Speaking of which I had cherries for dinner every single night this week and dinner is the meal that comes after lunch, i.e. no food in between and I gained 2 pounds. So tonight I got angry and let myself have a glass of wine and potato chips! All 10 of them. Tomorrow it will be another 2 pounds I’m sure.

  439.  #439Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    memulo, i totally agree on better to have fewer killer clothes than a bunch of mediocre inexpensive clothes, and i’ll be 10 pounds lighter in another month or so… so i don’t want to invest in any clothing right now haha

    the more i think about it, the more i like this dress i picked out for my date. it bothered me that it kind of ‘minimizes’ my b00bs, but i kind of like that, cuz it’s very short and shows off my legs big time. And it has major style and i can wear with it whatever jewelry strikes me as my mood that day. plus it has kind of this goth lolita feel to it and he’s taking me to a japanese tea place that is all cutesy japanese pop culture inside (what a thoughtful date idea!)

    okay i’m so excited to get back into the dating thing:)

  440.  #440Memulo on July 13, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    10 pounds less!! Aren’t you skinny already?

    Wow it’s an amazing date idea and your dress sounds like exactly the right style. Your post made me smile;)

  441.  #441LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Thanks Memulo, I will lean back, I’m just feeling so many different things and fighting off NVs like crazy.

  442.  #442Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    memulo, i only weigh myself every 2 weeks. f*ck a couple pounds this way or that way. gets under your skin, and that’s how you end up not eating enough calories to sustain weight loss in a healthy way and end up caving and eating potato chips and wine instead. i mean, imagine if you had a fresh green salad, or some veggies of your choice, and a piece of fish or chicken instead? even some roasted potatoes on the side.

    sorry if i sound all preachy, but not eating 3-5 times a day, or eating at least 3 well-rounded meals a day instead, can really screw you and produce the opposite effect if you’re trying to lose weight.

    also, a meal or two isn’t going to add or subtract two pounds of fat on the scale. that is the result of your metabolism responding to the signals you’re sending your body.

    blah blah blah, i feel dumb preaching
    love you memulo
    i’m just a spazz for this stuff

  443.  #443Starla on July 13, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    yes, i look healthy/thin, but i just carry my weight really well, so i’m a size small/medium or like a size 5 or so. but i could stand to lose another 10 pounds of body fat for better health. i’m 5;4 and 138 pounds.

  444.  #444LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 10:04 pm


    I am the extreme opposite 🙂

    I weigh myself every morning 🙂

    I have lost 21 pounds and there are days that I don’t stick to my eating schedule or appropriate selection – at first it showed up on the scale, but just 10 chips and glass of wine (enjoy my dear) will not put two pounds on if you are drinking sufficient water to help your body and metabolism flow. To see an impact in your weight loss, try avoiding all processed foods (salt, sugar, flour, oil, dairy) and eat healthy foods 5-6 times a day (about every 2-3 hours), and have a LARGE glass of water with each meal. So even if you do give in to the yummies for one meal, you are back on track the very next meal 🙂

  445.  #445Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    omg my cynical, lazy girl friend just told me that she has been working out regularly and signing up for classes, and that i inspired her! aw that makes me feel so happy. i learned a long time ago not to preach or nag anyone to change their life or their views… that if i just led the way on my own and for myself, people who follow. and it’s beautiful and i love it and i love that i can help people by taking exquisite care of myself and focusing on my own self and not worrying about what other people do or how they view the world.

  446.  #446LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    I hate when men retreat into their man caves

  447.  #447Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    LoveAlways, how do you stand it? Although… I check my horoscope compulsively like every day… and some people (astrology believers) wonder how I can stand to do that every day because it is nervewracking and gets under the skin sometimes.

    I don’t own a scale and it’s probably for the best. I joke.. but I’d probably start panicking and throwing up my breakfast.

  448.  #448Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    me too, love always. but you’re a beautiful, amazing siren, and you can handle this. how long has he been “caving”?
    i haven’t had a man cave on me in a while
    but the next time, i figure i will bask in the peacefulness of my island, and really enjoy it until he comes back.

  449.  #449Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    Hahah Starla,

    Actually, I never use the word “siento” in spanish. It feels so weird. I’d rather say I’m sorry than “lo siento”. I just don’t feel comfortable saying some things in spanish. I get completely blocked whenever I try to express myself, and that’s my first language.

    Idk, at some point I think it feels fake to talk like that. It also depends on the country, some people from like Colombia, Spain, and other countries are more natural at expressing themselves. But I just can’t.

  450.  #450Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    i hear that a lot from foreigners who say they can’t use ‘feel’ in their language without it sounding really weird

    but i also hear it a lot from native english speakers that saying ‘feel’ in english sounds weird to them (and it felt weird to me at first too), so i’m still undecided about if it’s really more “weird” or not in any language (but i’m leaning towards yes because i did a google stat comparison of search hit #’s containing common “feel” phrases in English and their foreign language counterparts, and the gap was very very very very significant.)

    i dunno… but my brain feels all buzzy and stimulated and my heart is racing thinking about how to really investigate this question in a truly scientific way!

  451.  #451Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:39 pm


    426 – I’ve questioned myself about that too!

  452.  #452LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 10:45 pm


    LOL, it was the process of transformation from unhealthy to healthy – It made me face the truth about my eating habits.

    I don’t freak out anymore, but it is a bit obsessive of me 🙂

  453.  #453Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:45 pm


    It does feel different.

    Even if you say “Perdoname” = Forgive me. It does still feel so weird!! When I talk to a friend that knows English I use Spanglish. Whenever I don’t feel comfortable saying something in Spanish, I say it in English. And I’ve never found myself uncomfortable saying something in English.

    There are some expressions that you know exist, and that people write in books, but that you yourself wouldn’t use them. And when you hear people saying them it feels awkward, unnatural. When I see someone talking so polite and warm and expressive in Spanish, I think “you’re so fake”.

  454.  #454Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Just the way it sounds, your tone… that’s why I said it also depends on the country. In some of them it sounds more natural.

  455.  #455Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    i am pretty amazing and interesting 🙂

  456.  #456Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    jasmine, i feel really excited to read your experiences with your language. thank you for sharing!

  457.  #457LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    Using the word “feel” has become more of a thought process since I discovered Rori’s programs. It’s not easy to speak in feeling messages, but when I need to, I am connecting my feelings to my verbal expressions and I’m learning to do that without always voicing the word “feel” although I am processing it that way

  458.  #458Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    Oh Starla hahah,

    you just reminded me of a post a friend of mine posted on fb. He was trying to find people for an apartment lease and he describes the apt and the rent and so on, but then he finishes the post with a “let me know if you’re interesting” (he’s international so his english sometimes is bad)

    So I laughed a lot at that, it was so funny. So I wanted to mess up with him and replied:

    “Oh, I’m interesting. And interested as well”


  459.  #459LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    NV – I was too soft and receiving and now he is avoiding me – I feel awful feeling this.

  460.  #460Starla on July 13, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    i use the word feel effortlessly and it comes out naturally, so it’s no problem for me. it’s fluent.

    but at first, it was awkward, and i felt awkward, and men picked up on the awkwardness of it all… it took practice:)

    i should get some rest. goodnight, beautiful amazing sirens!!

  461.  #461Jasmine on July 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    For me the hardest part about feeling messages is not actually the word “feel”, but whatever other word accompanies it.

  462.  #462LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 11:04 pm

    Good night Starla!

    Have a great date!

  463.  #463LoveAlways on July 13, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    I’m going to go pamper myself with a scalp oiling and a shower then some sweet sleep. G’nite

  464.  #464Emerson on July 14, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Starla I think it’s ok when feeling messages are akward… It’s part of out vulnerability and I’ve found most guys are forgiving and find it cute…..at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself 🙂

  465.  #465Tam on July 14, 2012 at 12:45 am

    Memulo, I am happy he got back into contact..you see, it works..magic 🙂

  466.  #466Tam on July 14, 2012 at 12:51 am

    Ladies, I have been doing more work and it helps me from falling back into my hole…at first in the mornings I feel sad and then I start reading, more and more about emotional unavailability and fear of intimacy, and it all resonates so much, sometimes I feel one or two articles were written about me in person, my past and now. One thing struck a cord with me.
    Lately my aunty died and we were very close in previous years (not so much last 5-10)….and I went to the funeral and yes, I was sad…but actually, I remember feeling nothing much about it. It was almost like someone I didn’t know had died. And it all ties in with that..because I couldn’t access my feelings, I had locked them away.
    MrU had told me once that when his father died he felt nothing. I was shocked, and remember saying I didn’t believe him. There you go. I believe it now.
    I feel ashamed to say that when my aunty died I just felt: ok.

  467.  #467Tam on July 14, 2012 at 1:11 am

    And here goes yesterday’s trigger and how I handled it with newfound clarity about myself:

    One of my friends posted that he is going to Florida (to stay with MrU). OMG, I felt like crying and like a kid saying: “please take me, take me”. I felt mad and sad because those two boys always go out looking for women – so I made myself believe…and that triggered me too.
    And then I decided to anchor myself to reality and that I am an adult and not a kid that has been left out of the play. I am 4000 miles away right now.
    There is no competition, there is only me. They will be talking about me. They will think of me and miss me. They love me. In fact, Mr U was jealous of my other male friend and once said ‘you’d do him for sure’ (he is cute and much younger than him but not at all my type of guy…too much of a boy). So I said: ‘no, I wouldn’t’ and smiled.
    Moreover, when they used to go out and I am there, they would always call to meet me…or come past my place after for drinks with me…so I was always invited to play. They were men in front of me. Always in front of me. They used to drive half of Fl to pick me up cause I don’t have a car anymore. They all did. I am the yummy pie that they drove around and made sure it didn’t melt and didn’t break 🙂

    I reminded myself of REALITY. Not the NV’s. Reality is that MrU never did things with ‘the boys’ when I was there. I was always there too, the only girl amongst a bunch of guys…and he would treat me like a queen, they all would. And I felt a million dollars. That was the reality and if I was there now, it would be the reality!! And I am going to get those voices out of my head that try to tell me otherwise.
    There is no competition.

    And he has been so lovely, sending emails every day asking when I am back, sending me thoughts about my business/visa situation and suggestions. And he signs his emails with ‘K’ (for ‘keeper’), which was about a discussion we once had and I feel so smiley – it’s so cute. I feel happy at the new found level of conversation and even if it won’t keep up – it’s okay.
    I trust myself not to get obsessed when men go quiet on me.
    There is no competition. A man who does not want who I am and finds someone else was not mine, just like English CD – there was no point fretting over this other woman because he wanted her. He wanted her and did me a favour of dropping me. Thank you.

    And today I have a date in the city with a CD, a German. I am letting this unfold because I never liked to date German men, the old judgemental me, nand I am trying to get rid of the negative association. German men are lovely and serious and true. Positive, positive, positive.

    Love to you all Ladies…..I believe we can make it through this life and its twists and turns by staying aware what goes on with us and being kind to ourselves!!
    I used to be the queen of beating myself up, so if I can then we all can…it’s work…..but it works 🙂

  468.  #468Autumn on July 14, 2012 at 2:00 am


    I am curious. What does NV mean? A lot of what you say resonates with me, the emotional unavailability, the lack of emotional expression, fear of intimacy.

    Thank you for sharing. I am learning so much reading your posts.

  469.  #469Smile on July 14, 2012 at 2:14 am

    376- Tam, goodmorning!

    It’s amazing what a good night sleep can do to see things differently. I had a dream that I got married to strumming man but got jilted at the alter. He goes into his cave so much and stands me up or rearranges. If in the future we did get married, which is something I want to do with the right guy at the right time, would he even show up? Is this what my dream was telling me…

    I’m single but I doubt he has disappeared for good as I explained about the house. I am inspired by you Tam to use it him as practise for feeling messages. I’m a step closer to being more open to men if the opportunity arises.

    Hmm I might even tell him I’m open to other men. I don’t want to put pressure on him but I am looking to be someone’s wife. I want to start a family.

    Tam I know we are looking for different commitments in our relationships but we are both desiring a relationship that is open, affectionate, secure etc. This I want more than anything. BUT with the right guy.

    Maybe strumming man isn’t the right guy?

  470.  #470Smile on July 14, 2012 at 2:16 am


    It doesn’t feel good to me either when men go into their caves.

    It feels even more painful when they keep going in and out 🙁

  471.  #471Smile on July 14, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Jasmine- I love that Spanish is your first language. I call my dad Padre lol and have done for 12 years even though I’m English. I speak a bit of Spanish. I am a primary school teacher and teach 5/6 year olds bits and bobs. I may ask you everynow and then for a translation if that’s okay. I’d like to be able to give daily instructions in Spanish.

    Okay first request… How do I ask them to line up? Put their chairs under? Put your hand up?

    Starla I know you said you speak Spanish too so I would greatly appreciate any translations from you.


  472.  #472Smile on July 14, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Autumn- NV = negative voices

    I used to think it was negative vibes

  473.  #473Smile on July 14, 2012 at 2:31 am


    I am very similar in personality to you both. Men say I’m small cute and smiley.

    Only… I’ve always been in an exclusive and have always put my Walls up when men try and speak to me. I’ve always had to show them (so I thought) that I was unavailable.

    Do you have any advice how I can be more open when men do speak to me (I’m positively imagining me as a magnet in hope this happens)

    Or any other sirens advice would be appreciated! Please help me knock my Walls down!!!

  474.  #474Autumn on July 14, 2012 at 2:33 am


    Thank you.

    Oh wow i have soooooo many negative voices.

  475.  #475April Rose on July 14, 2012 at 2:38 am

    Hello Zara and Silver Moonbeam,

    Wow. I feel amazed.
    I’m watching the link that Zara posted on 179

    I had no idea such things existed!

    There are dating websites specifically for men (sugardaddies) who want to lavish money and gifts on the women they date. And they know that these women (sugarbabies) are dating other men too.


    I’m half way through watching it and I’m wondering – what happens when feelings get involved? Do these women stay cool and treat the men equally?
    Does it ever lead to marriage?

    WOW. I thought I’d seen most things. Watching this I feel stunned and excited. The women have such a great vibe. They are ‘ordinary’ women and each one has her own vibe of ‘I’m all that’!

    Love it!

  476.  #476April Rose on July 14, 2012 at 3:16 am


    Are they prostitutes? The TV show host was saying they are.

    I’m wondering more about this now.

    A woman would really need to rockstar this way of living.

    Maybe it’s not so good for the woman after all. If she was looking for a husband.

    I’m thinking that this sugardaddy arrangement serves men who have money but not much confidence with women. Or men who don’t want commitment.

    Oh, I don’t know.

    It is bound to involve feelings, and feelings can get messy.


  477.  #477Tam on July 14, 2012 at 3:22 am

    Autumn, thank you. I have a long way to go too, I only discovered all this about me this last week. Until then I always thought the men had the problems/issues, but was unaware that I picked the men that mirrired my issues.
    Now that I know a HUGE stone lifted from my heart and I am challenging myself in my daily life to be more open…slowly, baby steps, and see how the world reacts. So far so good. It is painful and I have soooooo many negative voices, but now I listen to them and try to flip them around…trying to re-wire my brain. I ‘googled’ a lot on the topic of being emotionally unavailable and fear of intimacy…there is some good stuff out there….
    You will be absolutely fine. We all will.

  478.  #478Smile on July 14, 2012 at 3:23 am

    Hmm maybe he isn’t even in his man cave… Maybe he’s just getting on with his life?

    Although he did describe himself as being a bit of a hermit lately…

  479.  #479Tam on July 14, 2012 at 3:34 am

    Hello Smile!!!!!
    Oh how nice…. I almost feel a little scared that you are inspired by me but more happy…I still have enough voices in me, that tell me to doubt myself but that is exactly what I am working on, so thank you 🙂

    If you can stomach it, you could just use your guy as a CD (this is how I am trying to do it though not easy to treat him the same as others, almost impossible). I remember you said that you are not ready for dating, so nevermind – you could go on the internet and just put your feelers out..play a little?
    And try out the feeling messages as and when he pops up to contact you. See how that goes?
    I have made good experiences the more authentic I am…but I don’t expect it to change the man, he has to be willing to heal his own issues. I just speak my truth and see what happens, no expectations (this is hard too).
    My practice man has huge issues which he now admits to me, same as me basically, we had a similarly messy childhood. He can’t even show affection, he is very afraid. But now he opened up and told me he was shy – now that I know, it feels much better and all makes sense. He only opened up because I went first…and second…and third…and didn’t push.

    So you might be surprised. No, he might not be your guy…this one might not be my guy either…I am trying not to get hung up on him. And the bonus point is that I really feel that I am touching his heart and he mine, so it can’t even go belly up anymore. We will always be friends because I revealed my deepest secrets and he treated them and me with cotton wool – not the usual judgements he used to dish out so I feel grateful and I would even just be happy to see this man happy, with me or without me – but of course my first priority is to see me happy. I am rooting for me, cheering myself on.

    That’s my 2 cents, for what it’s worth.. 🙂

  480.  #480Smile on July 14, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Tam thank you, your two cents has inspired me more! I’m going to do exactly that, it feels the right path to choose.

    For now I’m going to try and break down my Walls with men I meet on a daily basis. I’m giving myself until the end of august then look again at where I’m at. So september may be the time I put out my feelers on line…! Eek this fills me with feelings of excitement and nerves!!!

  481.  #481Vi on July 14, 2012 at 3:58 am

    i bought new trousers of crazy green….i love green and i ll buy smth yellow to it .. delicate yellow and my new peachy pink flats are coming and i feel like i am bathing and splasing in colors and splatter them up on others and it feels so juicy and fun .. and summerish….. and i feel my head swimming of this purchase… oh and a little sick in my stomach .. i feel not comfortable and happy and dizzy… and that man from the car gazed and waved his hand and smiled at me all the way the car passed the window of the cafe I am sitting at… I love my dizziness and uncomfort and giggly-ness and the camomile tea tastes so gooood… gently warm .. just how i like it… and i feel sheepish .. this is a new english word i learned here on the blog.. )) and i feel sheepish to say that.. and i feel like a baby hiding her face in the hands and giggling… and peaceful.. and it feels so meaningless what i am writing and and – i’m liking that! … i am liking to be meaningless.. i feel tired to be meaningful… feeling a little sad and a little angry … sigh…
    i noticed i’m feeling in masculine energy making sex … it feels sad and .. sigh.. feels relieving i’ve noticed that … returning to myself… my warm self .. yummy pie … giggly receiving slow self … i feel like drawing flowers with watercolors… i can not .. and my thoughts are ‘you are not an artist’ … and tension in my arms .. i used to be approved agreed and certified .. oficcially. .. thanks mom … feel sad and lips pressed and my brows frowning … i love my frowny face and lips and when they are pressed together i love them too .. feeling angry … she is old and lonely… feeling compassion .. now – shame … “green” isn’t better than “blue” … they are equal and compliment each other … my emotional palette .. some touches of a darker color to feel the brightness of other ones … yesterday i wrote a love letter to my eyes.. i am judging myself for it felt not so easy as i’d like to .. i love my uneasyness .. it showed up for me to love it .. verbal jazzzzz … feeling curious and relaxed…

  482.  #482Smile on July 14, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Smile re 478 – stop thinking about what he’s doing and thinking, this is about you!

    Loving my conversation with myself lol!

  483.  #483Autumn on July 14, 2012 at 4:15 am


    Like Smile you also inspire me. You seem so in touch with what is going on and how you express yourself is wonderful. Looking at what you have been writing it makes me realize i have so much to work on but its exiting to grow and become a wonderful, self assured woman. I am learning to love myself, through this blog, and other things i am reading for the first time in my life. I feel like i had no relationship with myself. It felt like i lived as a guest in my own body and did not engage, notice, respect, love or adore her at all. It feels sad realizing this but wonderful and exciting having that realization.

    You are so right. We will be! Women are such wonderful, stunning and resilient creatures. I am proud to say that for the first time in my life I am beginning to love being a woman. What a wonderful feeling 🙂

  484.  #484Tam on July 14, 2012 at 4:15 am

    482 – I love that smile, I love that.

    I have just been for a run, and it absolutely tipped it down….I got totally wet and ran faster. As I got back to the house I looked a complete mess, muddy, red faced, hair tangled and wet, water dripping off me everywhere. It was so funny. I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself.

    And then I did something which is unheard of in my book. I took a picture of me, red faced as I was, no make up whatsoever (a rare occasion)….and I decided to post this picture of me on facebook. As a challenge to myself, with a witty ‘drowned rat’ comment. All my pics on there are carefully picked to make me look very good, with make-up and good hair. Pre last week I would never have done that and always secretly envied those who felt so at ease with themselves to reveal also the ‘not so pretty side’. I did it. And I even got ‘likes’ and lovely comments – from men!!! Totally unexpected. I feel proud of myself for letting the world see me in my natural state. No mask and no make-up and no sparkly dress.

    That’s me.

  485.  #485Autumn on July 14, 2012 at 4:18 am


    I loved this line “esterday i wrote a love letter to my eyes”.

  486.  #486Tam on July 14, 2012 at 4:21 am

    Autumn…wow..I loved what you wrote. It also makes me feel so happy for you and me and everyone else who is learning so much about themselves.

    It will carry me through the not so good days!!

  487.  #487Tam on July 14, 2012 at 4:25 am

    Normally, just what happened this morning, seeing that our common friend was going to stay with MrU and they will have fun times and I can’t be there bla bla…just this would have been enough to upset my whole day and make me feel sad for the rest of the day.
    It made me feel bad me for 2 minutes and I just got into myself and turned it around.
    It’s amazing how much power we have over our own thoughts.

    I know follwing his posts when he is there and all that will again trigger me. I already look forward to the triggers coming in – like seeing them partying, boating, with girls etc. – and it will be my challenge and my growth to flip this and make myself heal more (hopefully 😉 ).

  488.  #488Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Aahh another fun date and I had him over oops I forgot my burger in his car and he lost his phone.

    This one felt like actual husband material wow.

    Buuuut this other guy was calling all nite and now at 4 am I picked up and I feel all guilty and I feel all insecure that this other guy won’t like me anymore.

    Hes like I wana see u, if u want me to see other girls I wana see u. I’m like wha? I don’t want u to see other girls.

    This feels weird I don’t know how to handle this I said.


    I am babystepping thru my shame and guilt

    I love my shame and guilt

  489.  #489Esteemed on July 14, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I just saw the ad from “Nestle Pure Life Water”, and I felt triggered by it.

    A father and son are watching TV on the sofa, drinking orange soda. The mother sees them and replaces their sodas with bottles of water.

    I feel yucky about it. I wonder why the father can’t get his butt off the sofa and make a healthy decision for him and his son? I don’t like it that a woman is seen as the kitchen staff, and I don’t like it that she was controlling him by choosing his drink.

    It would have felt better if the three of them were sitting on the sofa drinking orange soda, when the parents discussed how they would like to intake less sugar and decide to drink water instead. Then the man gets up and gets it for them.

  490.  #490Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:40 am

    Cd from before that I thought was nice and was gona contact me today for tomorrow… Didn’t.

    I wonder if he got mad that I replies to a guy on my status taking about my future husband. I actually held back from saying ‘you’ to that guy cuz I felt insecure… That this guy would be turned off

    I still think they’re gona be turned off like crushed and turned off seeing me flirt w others or assuming

    Babysteps there will be men who persevere

  491.  #491Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:42 am

    Esteemed – wow I like that new version. That actually makes way more sense and feels really impactful

    I get it! There’s a lot of masculine woman kno better not respecting the masculine in tv commercials lately

  492.  #492Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:43 am

    I mean I’ve noticed it several times and have gotten the impression thers a lot

  493.  #493Tam on July 14, 2012 at 4:44 am

    489 – Esteemed, that is great. It’s funny but also I so agree with you 😉

  494.  #494Esteemed on July 14, 2012 at 4:46 am


    481 – I enjoyed reading that. I love your passion for colors – me too! 🙂

    When I read stuff like this, I see what Rori means when she says our emotions are beautiful!

  495.  #495Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:47 am

    Vi – your words feel like velvet wind whispers 🙂

  496.  #496Esteemed on July 14, 2012 at 4:50 am


    Yeah, I mean at a glance it’s no big deal. I’m just experimenting more and more with exploring my feelings around things I see and hear.

    But I do feel surprised in this society how much that “Mommy as cook” mentality persists. I myself don’t mind cooking. But if I were a wife, I would feel better if my husband didn’t see it as “my job”. I would feel better if he would join me in the kitchen and cook by my side, and once in a while cook the whole meal.

    I don’t think mothers do their sons a favor when they do all their cooking, laundry, and cleaning. It sets them up for a lifetime of expecting a future wife to do the same. I feel yucky when I see a man relaxing at the table while a woman is rushing around the kitchen. If I see a woman busy in her kitchen when I am visiting, I always ask what I can do to help. It would feel good if a man would at the very least ask the same.

  497.  #497Daria on July 14, 2012 at 4:55 am


  498.  #498Tam on July 14, 2012 at 4:56 am

    496 – absolutely. And I used to do all that for my men, I used to work and clean and cook – do everything. I stopped a few years ago…and men actually like to help when we don’t nag them from the resentment we have built up through overfunctioning.

    I have one example of a man who never cooked anything other than eggs. He ate out every day.
    The other day I was at his place…and he proudly showed me the contents of his fridge (it used to have only filtered water in it), made me sit down, barbecued a chicken breast for me and handed me a plate with salad and the chicken breast. You should have seen my face. I couldn’t get over it.
    I praised him to high heaven, he changed his ways close to 50 years old. I could not believe what I saw..and the guy was so proud of himself, he kept saying ‘you’d never have believed it, eh?’.
    I think it made him feel more of a man to cook for me. Well, that really sealed it for me!!

    No more overfunctioning, they are not babies.

  499.  #499Daria on July 14, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Listenin at level 2 is how I get attracted to men so easily now… Yay

  500.  #500