When You Overfunction – You Kill His Attraction For you

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The Question:

“Rori, Here’s my story:

I met a guy online. When we finally met in person, it was unreal! There was such a huge connection on so many levels. We were from the same country, so he understood the culture (which is not a dealbreaker but a biggie for me), knew alot of the same people I knew, we ran in the same social circles and it was freaky how our lives were so close and interconnected, but yet we never crossed paths until that moment. I had been married to a “toxic guy” and I finally felt I was being blessed by meeting someone who was all the things I ever dreamed of in a relationship.

We were both nervous and scared at the intensity and speed at which the relationship was moving and we talked about it quite a bit in the beginning. We both agreed that we would feel the fear and do it anyway because it was just amazing what we were feeling.

Within the first three weeks of our relationship he asked me to be his girlfriend and I asked him what that meant for him (unknowingly using one of your tools!) and I expressed what I wanted and the direction I saw myself in.

Well, he said he saw us being together, combining families (we both have kids), living together and yes, marriage.

The picture as he painted it was everything I wanted and had hoped for in so many years. He made me feel amazing, I opened up my heart (feeling the fear) and gave it my all.

It wasn’t until after the “talk” that we became intimate and I accepted being his girlfriend. We met each other’s families, friends and children rather quickly and we both acknowledged it but it felt so “natural and right”. Everyone in our respective families were happy and thirlled.

About a month and a little bit into the relationship, his mom passes away. As you can imagine, It was a very difficult time and I did my best to be supportive, compassionate and help him through this traumatic moment in anyone’s life.

His mom was buried out of the country and he was gone for about 12 days. We kept in constant contact through phone calls, texts and video calls. He expressed his “love” for me and how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to come home to me.

Upon his return, everything changed. His grief was heartfelt and I felt powerless to make him “feel” better. Mistake number one.

I realize now that I over nutured him during his initial return home. There was no sex for about two weeks and while it bothered me, it wasn’t so much the physicality what I missed but the intimacy, the closeness, the connection we had before he left that I felt wasn’t there any more.

I attributed it to the his grief and I tried to understand it. I felt angry, insecure and unable to help him. I felt we were both grieivng – he the loss of his mom and I the loss of the relationship and man he was prior to his mom’s passing.

He was sad (understandably), withdrawn and distant. I sought therapy from a counselor to deal with my own issues regarding his mom’s death and felt that by dealing with my thoughts, I could in turn help him with his process. I accepted the fact that it wasn’t my process but his and I was not resposible for moving it along, he was.

About a month later, I traveled out of the country and he lent me his cell phone he had used when he went to bury his mom. While out of town, I was sending a message to him and it went into the dratfts folder where I picked it up to continue writing and I noticed there were several messages to a girl.

I then looked at his sent messages and discovered that he had been texting, seeing and may have had a sexual encounter with someone else while he was supposedly going through the most difficult time a human being can endure which is the loss of a parent.

He initiated the contact and the way it read, I feel that this was someone he had already been talking to before his mom died and we were supposedly moving forward in our relationship.

I confronted him on my return home and he denied it. I didn’t believe him and felt more angry and offended that he would think that his “excuse” was plausible. He is not a young boy. He is 45 years old.

I told him I had lost trust in him and that the only thing I wanted was honesty.

I should have listened to my feelings then and broke it off, but he did not want to end the relationship and kept professing his innocence.

Needless to say, I was devastated. I felt betrayed, angry, confused and very hurt. I felt I had played it on the up and up with him by being honest, communicative, loyal and exclusive to him.

After reading your eletters and book, I realize that was a big mistake.

I definitely overfunctioned, did instead of felt, controlled and was the masculine energy.

It was difficult for me to turn it off and be the feminine energy when I have had to wear the masculine hat for so long.

Two weeks after that incident, (three months into the relationship) was the two month passing of his mom. I arranged for a relative back home to place fresh flowers on his mom’s grave on that day in his name. I felt it was a beautiful gesture and something he would appreciate. As an aside, the grounds keeper offered for a minimal price to maintain the gravesite. It was so insignificant that my relative didn’t even consult me, but agreed to the service.

Rori, when I told him what I had done, his main and only concern was that I had paid for the maintenance of the gravesite!!! He did not acknowledge the gesture, the feelings behind the gesture…or even thank me!

I was crushed. He is the only man with five very controlling and overly involved sisters. His life is definitely controlled by everyone else and I do not live in committee as I feel he does.

He made a big stink with his sisters and family and everyone was very upset at me because they felt (thanks to him) that I had somehow thought they couldn’t do it themselves and had crossed into “family business”.

I was so blown away by this whole thing, my head was reeling. We discussed it, we didn’t fight, we didn’t disrespect each other or anything of that nature. He felt I should have consulted him prior to sending the flowers and the maintenance.

He finally said it was a very nice thing to have done but stuck to fact that I should have consulted him. I didn’t feel I needed to consult anyone to be me!! He refused to accept any responsibility for his actions regarding his family and the mess he created.

It was late and he stated he needed to get to work early the next day and I asked if he was kicking me out to which he said no he just didn’t want to discuss the subject any longer.

He said “tomorrow will be a better day” I grabbed my purse and said I was leaving, he kissed me on the cheek, and I asked if he was not going to address my feelings or validate them to which he replied “tomorrow will be a better day” , so I left.

I could understand that he may have been upset. It was our first disagreement and I gave him 24 hours to reach out to me and he did not. I waited a few more days and decided to send him his things via mail.

That was almost four weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since. It has been a very difficult time for me as I felt he acted very cowardly and his actions were unecessary if he simply wanted to break up with me, he should have said so.

I gave him an out before with the betrayal, I felt he should have taken it and not hurt me in this way.

I received a “butt dial” about a week ago and I did not respond or reach out to him. I miss him, I’m still angry. A part of me wants closure.

I want to be able to tell him how I feel. I know there is no going back because he obviously didn’t really feel everything he said he did if he cheated on me so early on in the relationship coupled with the fact that he hasn’t reached out to me at all.

Rori, what do I do? I want to release all these feelings! I am taking care of me…I’m focusing on me. I am finally understanding the things that I may have done without even knowing thanks to you.

I have my moments, I think of him often. He really was the man for me in so many respects but, I also see where he was lacking.

After telling you my story, my question is…should I look for the closure that I feel I need by letting him know how I feel (which may not be a reality more like a want) or just keep doing what I am doing and keep trying to move on. I really look forward to your response.

Thank you, ‘Sad and Frustrated'”

My Answer:

“Sad”, Love is not reasonable.

Men do not feel love for us because of “anything.”

To put your actions into focus as I see them (and, sorry if this sounds harsh):

If a friend of mine had sent flowers to the grave of my mother in HER name, I would have been touched by that.

If she sent flowers in MY name – and then went ahead and ordered maintenance for me – I would have felt totally weirded out. And I’m a GIRL!!!

A man cannot tolerate this kind of thing.

It undermines him completely.

And – the most important thing here – it kills his attraction for you.

The last thing in the world a man is attracted to is someone who “takes care of him.”

In any way.

UNLESS she’s also seriously into herself and being a “girl” ALL the rest of the time.

For instance, you can cook a meal for a man, occasionally, if you’re a girl the rest of the time.

The work that has to be done here lies NOT in closure with this man, but work on your part Circular Dating with other men – until you’ve got this “girl” thing down.

Love is about attraction – and if you’re a masculine energy woman, and you want to stay that way – then you’d best be looking for a feminine energy man who would love for you to take over things and nurture him the way you instinctively want to do.

Love, Rori

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