When You Want Him Back…

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angerHere’s a letter from “Confused” I was able to answer live in my Love Forever program teleclass – and I thought the question and my answer would be helpful to everyone in many ways:

“Rori, I’m in your Love Forever teleclass program, and here’s my question for the class:

I really just went into complete masculine energy and totally pushed away a good man.

The more he withdrew, the more I panicked and went after him – I feel ashamed to admit it. I really can’t believe my own behavior. If I’m honest with myself, it terrified me how well he “got” me, that he just loved me for no reason at all, that he had the capacity to love my children, that he kept loving me for a long time of me maybe trying to prove that I could get him to stop (as sick as that sounds – I feel it’s true on some level), that he just wanted to take care of me and do everything – the complete and total opposite of my ex-husband.

I know he’s not the only man in the world, nor is he a perfect man. He’s made mistakes too. But I feel sick. I know I need to work on myself – I have, and I am. I know I can go find another man, circular date, learn from this – I get all that.

But is there anything I can do with this man? I may have pushed him clear out of the bubble, so I don’t know if backing off changes the energy in that case? Do I apologize, share any self-introspection (it would be through email – that’s what it’s down to), or do I just back off completely, forget about him to the best of my ability and make no further contact?

Even then, does something this bad ever get turned around? Can you draw a guy back in after that? Do they ever come back? Can they really feel your energy change? I feel like I finally know what to do, and could do it right – but I don’t know if there’s a way to inspire him to give this another chance.

I noticed that Michael Fiore is on your blog, and that you said you love him. I’m assuming you are at least aware of his “text your ex back” program, which I read through. You wait 30 days with no contact, then follow his program. I wouldn’t text, I’d email. But I’m not sure how I feel about that. Is it ever a good idea for a woman? Or better to just withdraw?

I guess this partly feels so hard because he isn’t my “ex,” we didn’t “break up.” He just drifted away, which is far more difficult than if there had been official closure. This is after him asking me to marry him, and me being the one who was afraid. I know – get used to no closure and taking no for an answer. Still feels CRAPPY.

Thanks, Confused and Hurt

My Answer:

Confused – First, I want to send love, hugs, lovely pictures of the love you want and deserve to you.

Feeling frustrated with ourselves is so painful – and that’s where we need to start, as frustrating as that sounds when I first say it (!) – righting our frustration with ourselves.

This is about you shifting YOUR energy, and him picking UP on the shift.

I love Michael Fiore on a a “technical” level – as I do many, many writers and coaches who have great ideas, great scripts, great concepts.

What makes the difference in my world, with my Tools – is that the Tools work from the inside.

If you don’t shift what’s going on with you on the inside – all the great words, ideas, strategies in the world will not work with a man – because he can READ your insides!

And if you’ve pushed a man away with masculine energy – that can’t be “righted” just by using feminine principles of actions and words, because the same things inside you that compelled you to use your masculine, pushy energy are STILL operating.

They’re still in your “vibe.” They’re still there.

And they need to be loved, made “peace” with, accepted as the loving gifts they are, accessed and used properly, morphed, transformed and “righted.”

hearts making heart 110The trick that works is to go at this from the Modern Siren method of working from BOTH the outside in and the inside out – all at the same time!

We ALL do this masculine energy out of fear – and so just “knowing” that won’t solve anything.

These are lifelong habits of survival that have to be worked with.

The more you care about what a man does – the less power you have.

The more you care about the wellbeing you feel, and the fullness of your world and your life outside of relationship with a particular man – the more attractive you’ll be to ANY man.

My Love Scripts program has lots and lots of scripts to use with the Modern Siren principles and Tools – and I always am happy to recommend Michael Fiore (and Susie and Otto Collins have some good “words” and “scripts” also) – go to www.LoveRomanceRelationship.com and search on both of them – that way you’ll find all their programs (and Orna and Matthew Walters, too) and inexpensive books to help with words, actions, strategies, ideas, scripts that complement my work.

Please do the Love Forever Tools you have – most especially the ones in the first two sessions – THOSE will change your life, and re-attract your man, if that is possible and a good match – that’s your best bet (along with the scripting languageโ€ฆ)

Love, Rori

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384 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 11, 2013 at 7:58 am

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  2.  #2Femininewoman on April 11, 2013 at 8:00 am

    because he can READ your insides!



  3.  #3April Rose on April 11, 2013 at 10:55 am

    “This is about you shifting YOUR energy, and him picking UP on the shift.”

    It’s taken me eighteen months of working with Rori’s tools for this to start happening.
    Yay! I feel great for sticking with myself on this.



  4.  #4Kerri on April 11, 2013 at 11:23 am

    But can you make contact or do you let go of him and move on with your life? Is it ok …. to try to make contact ? Thoughts ??? Thanks



  5.  #5April Rose on April 11, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Kerri,
    My take is that Rori is saying that whatever you do (call him, not call him, etc.) is affected by your vibe, and that your inner shift is the priority above all else. It takes precedence over ‘what to do about him’.



  6.  #6Kerri on April 11, 2013 at 11:58 am

    But I have the same problem as the person who is writing the letter and I feel my vibe is needy … I just miss his contact and I am circular dating …



  7.  #7Libelula on April 11, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Kerri – I have noticed other coaches suggest not to make any kind of contact for the first 30 days. I understand the idea is to let the guy miss you first. And often, he will initiate contact with you. In the meantime, you have time to work on yourself.



  8.  #8Femininewoman on April 11, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I believe it is normal to miss his contact. If you call him, can you tell what inside you is pushing you to call him? For me it is generally a need to feel a certain way. So instead of receiving what is coming to me, I reach out, lean forward to get what I am not getting. I understand that to be masculine energy and that is not what I want. So I have to deal with my reality of a man not giving to me and then decide if that is what I want. In the past the constand leaning forward has caused me to feel rejected and eventually resentment as my demands were not being met.



  9.  #9Senior Lady Vibe on April 11, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I suggest this advice from Colette:

    “Be happy. It is one way of being wise.”
    ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

    SLV
    xoxo



  10.  #10Mercedes on April 11, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Kerri: In my opinion, if you reach out to him with this needy vibe still going on, you will not get a good response from him. I’m with Rori’s advice to the writer…work on your insides, work on getting strong, work on taking responsibility for your own happiness. Then…when you feel so incredibly strong and good, I’d go ahead and reach out to him. Chances are good though…you won’t even still want to.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  11.  #11IamHis on April 11, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I don’t want him back.



  12.  #12Turquoise on April 11, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    In my past experiences, I can only think of one time that I reached out first and it had a good response with anyone other than my ex husband. With him, there were times I knew I was wrong, had over reacted, leaned forward and apologized and he’d accept. We both did that, often. But, we aren’t in a romantic relationship, we have a different kind of thing going on,… more let’s make the best of this type relationship/friendship.

    With Sweetheart, the last time I got really mad at him, he’d cancelled a few times on me because he had his son and I really got mad, made a big deal about it, didn’t like the way he responded, and didn’t talk to him for a few days. I did reach out to him first and he was very receptive…. but he doesn’t like confrontation or to fight, and a lot of it felt like he just didn’t want tension. It wasn’t until my vibe really did change. That I became busy, didn’t save my weekends or go out of my way at all to see him, that things turned around. He’d been putting off getting a car even though it would make us seeing each other a lot easier, and I suggested he wait on getting it until his finances were better, made a few comments about how our relationship felt more like friendship now than romance and that I didn’t want him to rush into a big expense for me. My vibe going from frustrated and irritated that he wasn’t appreciating me or respecting my time enough… to ME respecting myself and valuing my time, to having extremely little time for him with my mom in the hospital… turned into him getting the car now, asking to make plans, wanting to go away together as soon as possible, driving out to see me twice this week, showing up at my house yesterday to do yard work, making lots of comments about how he hopes we have a serious future, on and on and on…. and me not getting caught up in any of the sweet words anymore, but appreciating his actions and still focusing on what I want and what is best for me. He even rearranged his upcoming weekend plans to better suit my needs. And he did it graciously. I asked for what I wanted and he’s making it happen. I like it.

    For the first time in an extremely long time…. I feel like I”m 100% in the drivers seat. It’s an unusual feeling…. like I know what I want, what I need to be happy, and it’s no longer about the specific guy…. but in being open and available to what I ultimately want.



  13.  #13Mercedes on April 11, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Turquoise: You sound absolutely WONDERFUL!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  14.  #14Arachne on April 11, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Hello Rori, hello Siren ladies! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I feel so happy and excited to be writing my first comment on this blog! I usually just read it, and feel intimidated by seeing hundreds and hundreds of comments, and so I feel shy and just end up lurking around without saying anything. But right now, after reading and feeling inspired by yet another wonderful and useful (to us all!) article, I felt confident enough to just introduce myself. ๐Ÿ˜€

    I absolutely love Rori’s work, I have been familiar with parts of it for more than a year, but it’s only recently that I found the inner motivation to start working seriously on improving myself. And I feel very grateful that I had the possibility to buy the Complete Collection, and now I feel empowered. And I also hope that participating in discussions on this blog will help me stay inspired and keep going on the path that I’ve started. Wish me luck, dear fellow Sirens!

    Also, I feel a little confused about how this works – if I want to share a personal experience and I get triggered by what I read in an older article, do I comment on that old post, or do I just comment on the latest article that is posted, even if it’s not related to what I feel like saying? I would really appreciate an answer with respect to this, as I feel that sharing my journey so far would feel incredibly relieving and good… And I want to do it somewhere where it will be seen.

    Thank you, in any case. I feel calm and happy now!



  15.  #15Rori Raye on April 11, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Arachne – Welcome – and just post on the newest post – that way – you’ll stay in the conversation – each new thread is used just like a discussion – if you sign up to to get new comments sent to your email, you can follow faster – otherwise, just keep the window open, and you’ll be able to jump into the discussion whenever you want….Love, Rori



  16.  #16prplpsn28 on April 11, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Turquoise: Felt good to hear your story. I am a newby to all of this so just starting to use Rori’s tools. A work in progress to work on myself and change my vibe. Since H and I have started dating I have never left my weekends open. I’m always making plans with my friends and if it so happens that H isn’t busy and can make it out he will join us. He has recently, all on his own, made every Tuesday evening a time for us to get together at a local restaurant. For a while he really distanced himself and there was a moment when we had no communication for an entire week. That was before I discovered Rori. And I realize now that it was cuz of my actions that he did that. I came at him for a couple of things he did and made him feel like he was being accused. He doesn’t like confrontation either. And it was just my nasty voices speaking to me. Now, thru the tools and everyones help on this blog, I’m learning to focus on the good things he does that make me happy. For example, he can be a very funny guy and makes me laugh a lot. He said something the other day while texting that made me laugh and I told him “I love that you are so funny. You make me laugh”. The conversation after that went great and we met that evening. So I am starting to see some gradual changes. Hearing what you said Turquoise helps give me hope.



  17.  #17Arachne on April 11, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Oh, Rori! It feels incredibly exciting and good and… omg, omg, omg, omg!!!!… to receive an answer directly from you… I feel like a groupie now and I’m a little embarrassed by feeling like one, and it also feels great to be here. Thank you!



  18.  #18Zia on April 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    FM 8: All of what you said completely resonates with me right now. I miss my ex’s contact but know that reaching out will make me feel bad so I won’t do it anymore.

    Great post and all so true. I felt something very strange yesterday, when my son’s dad picked him up for his weekend I felt one of those tugged-heart moments for him. I have not felt that about him for YEARS. What felt good about it though, was instead of THINKING about it (omg what did that mean do i love him again do i want him back) I just smiled at the feeling and enjoyed it, and let it be, and when it went I let it go.

    What a difference!!!



  19.  #19Carol on April 11, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    I use to beat myself up, how can you still love him, hes being mesn to you the kids etc etc whats wring with me…. Then I gave myself permission to love him, i didnt leave our 30yr marriage he did. That was the start of healing gor me. No more guilt about what I should be feeling. I now know I still love the man he was and thats ok and I dont have to like the man he is now and thats ok ….. So no more tears :::



  20.  #20Jennie H on April 11, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Yes they can feel your energy change! but apologies and introspection aren’t the right things to share. Share your happy memories of the relationship. That way, you give him a clear path to come back if he wants to, and if not, you are spreading good energy to attract another GOOD guy ๐Ÿ™‚



  21.  #21ALA on April 11, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    sigh…

    It’s so quiet on the blog today. I want to write, yet feel I may be complaining all the time when I’m here.

    Was feeling pretty good yesterday and then today some challenges as I look at myself. I can be my own worse critic, wanting, expecting perfection. It’s so unrealistic to attain perfection, then beat myself up for not being perfect… endless loop. Time to get off that ride!

    It feels a little scary if he can “read my insides.” They’re all gooey and mushy, and like greasy, grimy, gopher guts (masculine). I can feel a little flicker of light calling to me to embrace my femininity.

    Feels hard to do. I want to snap my fingers and instantly be a gorgeous, desirable woman. Ahh ha, visualize! I AM a very desirable woman… believe it woman! … babysteps.



  22.  #22Vi on April 11, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I can’t believe it – okay the truth is I DON’T WANT to believe it, but I found I feel angry at myself when I feel like having sex.. I love me, I love my anger, I love my unwillingness to admit my feelings and the way the things are.. hehe



  23.  #23Rori Raye on April 11, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Carol – BRAVA to YOU! Love, Rori



  24.  #24sha-sha on April 11, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    Hey sirens! I just got bck from airport picked up my sister and her daughter I’m feeling so very excited to finally meet my niece who just turned 9months…she is a chubby cheeked adorable lil girl xoxox love her to pieces! Wish me luck I have no kids heheheh and never had a baby in my home for a couple weeks lol finally a auntie ๐Ÿ™‚ hubby is scared lmao



  25.  #25ALA on April 11, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    sha-sha – enjoy your time with your adorable lil niece! How fun!!



  26.  #26Zia on April 11, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    The toxic men program is brilliant. David Wygant! What a guy!



  27.  #27sha-sha on April 11, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    ALA
    THANKS HUN ๐Ÿ™‚



  28.  #28Indigo on April 11, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    Carol 19

    I loved this.



  29.  #29Janie baby on April 11, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    Rori, I’m soo sad.
    My boyfriend of 2 years. We are only 22 and 23…This week things were going great. I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again. He comes over almost every night, is loving towards me, and told me that eventually he wants to marry me. I went to dinner with him and his mom on monday and when he went to go use the bathroom she told me how much he loves me and how special i am to him and when would talk about him settling down she’d wink at me. Then randomly today eh told me he’s going to vegas until sunday to meet his guy friends from back home. i kept crying and crying and he’s mad that i don’t trust him but for me it’s not otehr girls. i’m sad that he disregarded me. he hasn’t taken work on the weeekned off to spend time with me but he does it to go to vegas. how to proceed from here? advice? ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™



  30.  #30Tereana on April 11, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Janie baby – I can totally understand your frustration. It sounds like this isn’t about him not loving you or wanting you in his life, though. He probably doesn’t take weekends off to see you because you see each other every night. He doesn’t need to! But guys do need to spend time with “the guys.”

    Maybe what I would do, if I were in your position, would be to organize a girls’ night out, or a weekend, or a spa day, at a time you would normally get to spend with your man. Not to “get back” at him. But to give YOU the time with friends that you need, and give both of you a break. So that maybe HE will have the idea to take a weekend off to spend with you. He’s not going to want to compete with “the girls” : )

    Does that make sense? ((hugs)) it sounds like you have a great boyfriend. There’s a lot to not be sad about!



  31.  #31Arachne on April 12, 2013 at 12:59 am

    Good morning, Sirens! It feels so comfy to read your comments while enjoying my morning drink (a greens cocktail – I feel so refreshed when I savor it every morning!).

    Turquoise (12) – I felt so moved yesterday when I read your story, so inspired and so respectful towards you! Way to go! I really hope than one day I will be able to shift my vibe in the same way! Thank you for sharing. I wanted to say this last night, but then I got all overwhelmed by excitement and groupie feelings when Rori answered me… *blush*… so I did it now, because I really felt like thanking you for the inspiration that I felt reading your comment.

    prplpsn28 (16) – Mmmhhhhmmm! Good luck with battling your nasty voices and focusing on the good feelings!

    Zia (18), Carol (19) – wow, I feel moved again. You both have my respect for being in a place where you can handle such feelings like that!

    ALA (21) – I found myself nodding approvingly while reading your comment. I feel empathetic. Good luck!

    Vi (22) – I loved how you wrote about this unpleasant discovery about yourself, I feel inspired. And I feel amazed that something so icky in itself can transform and lead you to a better self-understanding, and us to feel inspired by how you accept your feelings!

    Janie baby (29) – I feel empathetic, and I feel like sending you a virtual hug! *sends virtual hug* I am sorry that, in the middle of something that sounds like such a good and loving relationship, you are facing this. I’m young as well, but one thing I’ve learned (from Rori and in general) is that guys are SIMPLE creatures, who don’t “get it” most of the time. He probably can’t get his mind around you being sad, and doesn’t consider he disregarded you in any way. He gets plenty of quality time with you, so he must have considered it harmless to catch up with his friends for a weekend in Vegas. You interpreted this differently (perspective!), and maybe this is a chance for the two of you to get closer. Please, don’t stuff this down, don’t let resentment gather in your heart, it feels horrible when that happens (I used to do it with my ex…) I’m not qualified to give suggestions, but I feel compelled to point you to one thing: FEELING MESSAGES (very useful explanations, here: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/communication/how-feeling-messages-work/ – I felt so good when I finally understood it!). Maybe the more experienced Sirens can better help you, but just… try to go through your feelings and express them simply and clearly. I think that after 2 years, it’s appropriate to create a speech or a script and let your boyfriend know (without making him wrong) that you felt sad.

    Oh, shit, I have to struggle so hard against getting fully into my Boy and starting to analyze and give advice!! ๐Ÿ™ (I know it’s against the posting guidelines, too!). So, I’ll stop here. Plus, Tereana seems to have already given you good advice. *hugs both of them*

    Now, off to work, Arachne! I feel anxious about work stuff, but also hopeful.



  32.  #32Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Janie Baby: I would LOVE to see you take time to enjoy yourself while he is away. This guy sounds like he’s crazy about you! Ideas to center yourself again: Read a book that helps bring you back to yourself…a really empowering book (A book by Mama Gena will make you laugh and will teach you about caring for yourself at the same time). Practice yoga. Meditate, mediate, meditate (only positive meditations if you’re using visualization with it). I like the spa idea from above and the having a girls weekend. Dance. Smile a lot. Enjoy each and every moment and be incredibly happy and excited to see him when he gets back. Remember, as much fun as he’s having, he will miss you too…if he knows you’re not going to be full of drama when he gets back. He just wants to have fun and then get home to a wonderful woman who missed him and is excited to see him.

    This is all just fine. I think you might be stressing it too much…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Arachne is that your picture in the gavatar?



  34.  #34Turquoise on April 12, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Thank you Mercedes. That is sweet of you to say. I feel…. focused, empowered…. like I know what I want and either I will get it or I won’t, but I won’t settle for less…. I just won’t. It feels like such a relief to get here!

    Prplpsn28 and Arachne, thank you. I’ve been on the blog for almost 2 years and it’s been a lot of up and down, learning and then going back to my old ways…. I honestly believe it took losing my mom (she passed away very recently) for me to…. “wake up” and really think about me… deep down, about me and what I really want. I’ve always been a people pleaser, wanting to make everyone else happy, over functioning, etc. and it got me pretty much NO WHERE. All these guys I dated would all say the same thing…. you are the best girlfriend I’ve ever had, you are such a good person…. and then they’d go marry someone else. I wouldn’t have wanted to marry any of them anyways, but at the time… felt something was better than nothing, wanted to be open, give it a chance, but deep down, I knew not the right men for me, so I wasted a lot of time. The one piece of advice my mother regularly gave me about men, was to not wait around for them. Don’t waste your time, don’t commit and give them what they want if you aren’t getting what you want. I made a promise to her, and to myself before she passed, that all her good advice had sunk in, and I’d apply it.

    I tend to be a positive, optimistic, cheerful person…. but right now I still feel so sad about my mom, that I feel like I’m looking with clearer and sharper eyes, at my life, what I want, what I don’t want, and what I won’t accept. It feels sort of inspiring and humbling all at the same time!

    Janie Baby….. when I was in college and my ex-husband and I had been dating for about 2 years, he was graduating and wanted to go to Vegas to visit a friend, who happened to be a girl. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but knew they were strictly platonic…. more like family. I shared that I wished he wasn’t going, as he was going to be leaving for the army soon, and the issue of trust came up. As we’d been talking about marriage and he was soon going to be out of state/the country…. I thought about what I really wanted and whether I trusted him or not. He was going on the trip if I liked it or not… so I may as well be supportive about it. I regret to say that I didn’t spend the weekend doing lots of fun things without him, instead I over functioned and ironed all his military uniforms so they’d be ready to go when he left, and helped his mom with a few things…. but it meant a tremendous amount to him. He did miss me, said it was weird being away without me, and soon told his mother that he planned to marry me. 2 months later he bought me a huge diamond and proposed at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. Men need us, but they need their freedom too…. they need to not feel like they CANT do what they want. The goal, I believe…. is to be so happy with yourself, to make the most of the time apart to do fun things for yourself, even say…. “wow baby, I’m really going to miss you, yet I’m excited to see my friends and have a girls night. I can’t wait to hear all about your trip… I really hope you have a wonderful time!” And mean it. He will feel like the luckiest guy, brag about you to his friends, and think about you happily while he is gone.

    If you sulk and cry and carry on…. he’s going to feel like he’s doing something wrong, which will make him feel bad about himself, and to me.. I believe men love us because of how we make them feel about themselves. If we start to criticize or complain, tell them they are wrong, make them responsible for us feeling bad…. it chips away from that love. Good luck!



  35.  #35Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 8:19 am

    THURSDAY, April 11, 2013 โ€” You may have heard of someone having peanut allergies, or being allergic to cats or dogs, but Clara’s kind of allergy didn’t just limit her food and pet choices โ€” it put a serious damper on her love life.

    The North Carolina woman, who asked that her name not be used, discovered she had a rare semen allergy when she married the love of her life and had sex. “I had burning and swelling and redness, which was very unusual. I thought I had contracted an STD [sexually transmitted disease],โ€ she told ABC News. It got so bad, her husband told ABC, that “we really haven’t had much sex at all for the last 10 months.”

    The problem turned out to be seminal plasma hypersensitivity, an allergic reaction to the proteins in her husbandโ€™s semen.

    This allergy isnโ€™t very common, in fact, only about one in every 40,000 women have it, Paula Bednarek, MD, MPH, director of the Ryan Family Planning Clinic in the Center for Women’s Health at the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland told Everyday Health. Dr. Bednarek said that semen changes the pH balance in the vagina for some women, resulting in irritation, discharge, swelling, and even hives.

    http://www.everydayhealth.com/allergy/sperm-allergy-bad-for-love.aspx?xid=aol_eh-allergy_6_20130408_&aolcat=ABO&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl3%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D297328



  36.  #36Smile on April 12, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Hi sirens!!!

    I’ve had the most amazing trip travelling with amb!

    As I was sat on an elephant with him in the jungle being squirted with water he grabbed me and told me he loved me! We squeezed each other so hard we fell off into the water.

    We had so much fun and adventure and grew so close, learning lots about each other.

    I feel so ecstatically happy right now ๐Ÿ™‚



  37.  #37Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Smile: That sounds sooooo cool and wonderful!!! I want to sit on an elephant with J!!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  38.  #38Liquid Light on April 12, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Smile, that sounds great! So happy for you! ๐Ÿ™‚



  39.  #39Smile on April 12, 2013 at 9:07 am

    Thanks mercedes and liquid light!

    Mercedes you so should it was such fun!!

    It was just us and it was so romantic. He also surrised me with a private beach hut where we had a meal with our own private waiter. He told me that night he was falling for me and wanted a future with me.

    Our communication surprises me each day. I love how I’m able to be so feminine ๐Ÿ™‚



  40.  #40Turquoise on April 12, 2013 at 9:15 am

    That’s wonderful Smile. I’m so happy for you!



  41.  #41Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Smile: I would if I could but I don’t think there are any private elephants for us to take out in Houston…and if there are, we would have the whole city following us..we would NOT be alone. lol ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe we’ll rent horses someday though… or take a trip to a place that has more options for us! heehee!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  42.  #42Roro on April 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Hello ladies,
    I always feel so happy reading your comments even though I don’t always comment myself. That’s due to the fact that I’m so busy with my life. But at the same time I’m very happy, and i’m practicing Rori’s tools with EVERY PERSON i know and talk to, letting go of my boy energy and tapping into my feminine energy. I feel so free and beautiful and just…..happy!! I wish the same to all of you lovely Sirens! xoxoxox



  43.  #43Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    hehehe ๐Ÿ™‚



  44.  #44Janie baby on April 12, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Thanks ladies for all your advice! Mercedes, Turqouise, Tereana, etc. <3

    Yesterday when he told me I just cried on the phone and he got angry that I was "trying to ruin his trip."
    SO I just texted hm last night saying "have fun on your trip"
    and he responded "Love you. I'll see you Sunday night. I'll keep in touch this weekend"

    So I'm just biting my tongue and going to take your advice but i wish I could FEEL okay with it.

    I feel uneasy and sad because I know he's going with a group of 22 and 23 year old guys (most single) They will probably go to clubs. I know he gets crazy when he drinks. And then I asked if they are going to strip club and he said "he wouldn't necessarily want to go but if his friends want to go he'll go"
    that's what made me really upset. it's fine if he wants to act his age but then i feel cheated that the whole week he was telling me how much he loves me and wants to marry me. I just feel like confused like it's mixed signals. I feel sick thinking about all the other girls that are going to be there. ๐Ÿ™ I've never been to vegas since I was 16 but when I typed in my problem to google and talk to certain people they say it's weird that a boyfriend would go without his girlfriend.

    I understand he's 23 I just feel un safe now and it makes me want to close up my own heart and take a step back. I don't want to but I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I want to be fine with it.



  45.  #45Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 9:35 am

    They probably will janie baby but ask yourself what worrying will do to to change that? I would say use this time to change your energy by working on a mantra such as “I am so grateful and thankful for my life”. Something that will change your vibe from the inside out so that when he returns he will feel it. You never know he might miss you so much he might not be able to enjoy himself. You just don’t know.



  46.  #46Smile on April 12, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Ha, yeh maybe not Houston! I live in England and there definately aren’t any here!!

    Actually it was more the experience of having fun together that he described was the moment he just knew he wanted to tell me he loved me.
    Although I just love it that he fell in love with me whilst on an elephant!!! Lol ๐Ÿ™‚

    I had my ‘moment’ with him on our 2nd date, since then we’ve grown closer and closer over these 5months.

    Do I love him…. I feel immensely happy and content in his company. His actions mean more to me and how I feel so I’m not too concerned to wonder if it’s love. There’s still so much to get to know about him. But yes I do love him too ๐Ÿ™‚



  47.  #47Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Janie Baby: Earlier you said it’s not about the women there. You were saying it’s about him not spending time with you but instead making time for his friends. My gut had a feeling that this was a jealousy/insecurity/trust issue. I can’t blame you for that, a few years ago I would have struggled with it a lot too.

    Please check in with yourself. Do you trust this man? If you don’t, then you (as a couple) will really, really need to work on this (or you’ll probably want to find a man you CAN trust). Lack of trust and jealousy and insecurity do not get better by pretending they don’t exist (trust me…this is my experience talking). Biting your tongue is not the answer. Does he know you are scared of losing him and you are feeling very insecure right now and need his reassurance that he loves you and only you? If not, then you’re not really being fair to him. He doesn’t know how to reassure you if he doesn’t really know why you are so upset.

    You do understand that this is an issue with YOU and your own fears, right? This isn’t something to be mad at him about…this is something to be communicating about and asking for the love and reassurance you need while he is away. Him skipping this trip will not make feelings like this go away….it will just postpone them until the next time this comes up. Other than working on this within yourself, the only thing I can think of that might work is if he agrees to never be out with friends his own age without you…ever again. Doesn’t seem realistic, does it?

    I’m so sorry you are hurting. I was right there with you at one time in my life. And I had a boyfriend who traveled a LOT. I still have that same boyfriend and he still travels a lot but now I know…he loves me like mad and he would be absolutely CRAZY to do anything to mess this up or lose me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  48.  #48Smile on April 12, 2013 at 9:36 am

    Thanks turquoise!!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  49.  #49Janie baby on April 12, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Thanks FW and Mercedes,

    I definitely agree with everything you’re saying. I got sad yesterday and he was telling me “You’re my girlfriend! I’m going to be having fun with my friends.” But I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach and now I can’t stop crying. I’m not going to say anything to him now because I don’t want to ruin his trip. I’m just going to not talk to him until Sunday. I don’t even want to talk to him until Sunday because if I pick up the phone I know I’ll feel jealous and seem insecure and I don’t want to give off that vibe.

    I agree with everything you’re saying Mercedes. I know it’s my own trust issues. I just had an experience with him a couple years ago when I found a ton of porn on his computer and I know it’s normal but it really upset me and ever since then I feel insecure. And then when I talk to people they either tell me not to worry or others tell me it’s shady that he’s doing this trip and it makes me worry. I’m just confused.

    I just don’t know how to make this feeling go away. I feel like I’m going to ruin every relationship I’m ever in because of this. ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™ ๐Ÿ™

    How do I fix trust issues? I really try to just trust but then he tells me about the trip and my heart drops and I feel like I’m not number one. And the fact that he got mad that I was crying made me feel like he didn’t care. I don’t know. How do I fix my own fears?



  50.  #50ALA on April 12, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Nice to read about someone’s happiness in love alongside all our heartbreak and struggles.

    Smile -Thanks for sharing with us!



  51.  #51Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 9:47 am

    “I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach”. This should not be ignored.



  52.  #52ALA on April 12, 2013 at 9:50 am

    jb – listen to these ladies! If you dont ‘fix’ these issues now there’s a very good chance it could develop into more chronic patterns down the road.



  53.  #53Smile on April 12, 2013 at 9:53 am

    ALA, couldn’t have got there without wonderful sirens and roris tools. Glad I worked roris tools for over a year to get to a great place in myself to enable this blissful happiness!

    Sure I’ve had other relationships that have started happy yet this feels different somehow and I believe the difference is me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Letting go is the best tool ever! It allows space for much better things!



  54.  #54ALA on April 12, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Would trust issues come from a lack in trust in one’s self?

    Just think how proud you will feel on Sunday for taking care of yourself all weekend. He will be proud of you too!



  55.  #55Smile on April 12, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I wonder how you tell the difference between fears and gut instincts?



  56.  #56Turquoise on April 12, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Janie Baby…. people can cheat anywhere. They don’t have to go to Vegas to do it. He could go to a bar with friends at a happy hour or meet someone at work or even at the grocery store. You can’t be with him all the time, to prevent that. What changed for me, to not feel insecure and jeaous…. is knowing that if a man does want to cheat on me or do things that I’m not comfortable with, then he isn’t the man for me. And as much as that hurts…. it’s the truth and not much you can do about it. If you felt that YOU were the prize, the yummy pie… that his leaving town leaves YOU open to other male attention… that he was risking losing YOU, not the other way around, you’d feel a whole lot better about the situation! Make some plans, see your friends, go get a haircut or change your color, get and your nails done… buy a sexy new outfit…. spoil yourself!



  57.  #57ALA on April 12, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Smile, I’m learning here too!

    So inspiring when we get to hear about the successes.

    My mantra to today is to practice gratitude even in the smallest things.



  58.  #58Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Janie Baby: For me, the trust was HARD to fix…really, really hard. But I didn’t do it alone and I didn’t do it by not talking to him about it or by hoping I wouldn’t hear from him until Sunday. ๐Ÿ™

    It really is about communicating (in my opinion). Remember, I dealt with J cheating on me (full on cheat, not porn). I had to either trust him again or not take him back because there is no way for a relationship to work if you don’t trust your man. ๐Ÿ™ Ugh! I hate this for you!!

    I am sooooo aware of the “pit in my stomach” feeling. Sometimes it really isn’t instinct and it really is our own insecurities but most times I think we know the difference (we know if there have been signs of cheating and if we should worry) and we know where it is coming from.

    Honey…can you tell him you love him and you really do want him to have fun and you know you are making this hard on him? Can you tell him you’re feeling insecure and that you’d feel so much better if he made time to call you while he’s away and that you love hearing him tell you he loves you? Can you tell him you wish you weren’t feeling this way and you hate that it made you cry and that you don’t want him to be mad at you? Can you tell him that it isn’t that you don’t trust him it’s that you don’t feel secure and you need him to help you with that. Can you tell him that simple reassurances mean so much?

    Can you be honest with yourself here? Will you really feel better if he doesn’t contact you the whole time he is away? Will that make the jealousy go away? You’re concerned if he reaches out to you that you will feel jealous. If he doesn’t…no contact…will you really be okay with that? Do you think maybe, after you figure out what you really want and need, you should communicate that to him so he has a chance to help. At this rate, he’s going to have to read your mind or figure out what you want all by himself. That’s a tall order considering I don’t think (other than him staying home), even YOU know what you want. ๐Ÿ™

    Men can be loving from a long ways away. I get that from J. BUT…this guy is mad that you don’t trust him. When really, he probably has no idea that it has nothing to do with trust (or very little) and that you are afraid. If he knew that, he probably would be a lot less mad and a lot more loving and sensitive. Men can help us with these feelings, but not if we aren’t authentic with them. If we’re not honest about what we’re feeling and why (and if we don’t have regrets about how that is affecting THEM) then they have no way of knowing how or what to fix.

    I don’t know. I think you should talk to him and tell him you do trust him, you wish you wouldn’t have cried and you hate that you’re feeling this way but you would love some reassurance and comfort while he is away. And that you love him and will miss him.

    He can help you through this. But you’ll have to authentically let him. And you’ll also have to start really taking care of yourself and not putting all of the potential for YOU to feel good into HIS hands. He’s not going to be able to keep up with that…

    ((((((((Janie Baby))))))))) HUGE HUG!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  59.  #59LoveAlways on April 12, 2013 at 10:43 am

    ((((((Janie Baby))))))
    Maybe focus more on yourself and doing stuff that you like so that it takes your thoughts off of him. Do something that makes you refocus on how lovely and sexy you are, and when you do put your attention on him it will be to see that he is reaching out to you because he loves you and wants you and his hanging out with his friends does not diminish that. What do you think?



  60.  #60Arachne on April 12, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Oh, Mercedes, I feel so moved and so inspired by your advice to JB!

    FW – nope, it’s just a picture I found on the internet – here’s a bigger version: http://th09.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2010/110/2/7/__Arachne___by_ArtisnotanAccident.jpg It’s supposed to represent the mythological character whose name I borrowed. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Feels so good to keep up with your comments, ladies…



  61.  #61ALA on April 12, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Fear… that’s a biggie!

    And you know the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s FEAR.

    Love what everyone has said for JB. Especially this:

    “I donโ€™t know. I think you should talk to him and tell him you do trust him, you wish you wouldnโ€™t have cried and you hate that youโ€™re feeling this way but you would love some reassurance and comfort while he is away. And that you love him and will miss him.”

    (and maybe fit in that you feel/felt afraid somewhere in that speech)



  62.  #62seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 11:21 am

    morning Sirens,

    Tired tired tired. Felt like, water clearing settling down again. WHEW!!!!! My chest feels a little sore,like maybe there was something on it and I didn’t know it was there and the muscles can relax now………. Beathing really big and long through all my lungs and belly down deep…. The oxygen was good and tingly in my everywhere. Happy brain i love my brain. Love to the pretty seahorse. Blessings and signs and teachers from before i remember and I smile and feels good to know I was ready. Am ready open open open now! Lightness in my body feels so good. No more circling ophelia’s pond. No more time share there!! Professor Beautiful, teacher of womens studies and yoga teacher gave an assignment to write what we were turning our backs on and write what we are walking towards. I wrote of turning back on a drain of swirling water that was sucking me down down down……………….. i was flying towards the sky to freedom and me. Meditate on that…………….. Yes, no more ME circling ophelia’s pond fly away .omg!! Over the Rainbow!!!! laughing now, feels loose and proud? Yeah. Poor confused ophelia I look back and love her and the confusion and the frozen not knowing which way was which, but I did, didn’t I…………..gathereing steam and waiting waiting waiting. fly away over the rainbow!!!! Come out come out wherevever you are and get a big hug and a kiss on the nose……… Thank you Sirens for the lights you shine for the beauty that we are. Whew!!!!! Sometimes this is hard but I like the way it feels. Not painful but …………. breathing………. challenging then the rewards that are inside and always will be there. The feelings of the strong peace that doesn’t go away, always mine right there.

    I really enjoy the belly breathing and short meditating



  63.  #63Turquoise on April 12, 2013 at 11:40 am

    My girls are in the play Fiddler on the Roof this weekend, so we will be quite busy. I’m really looking forward to seeing them sing, dance and act. ๐Ÿ™‚ My little one has a tumbling scene and totally steals it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s actually the high school play, but the younger students get to be extras. ๐Ÿ™‚ Very fun and much needed this weekend!



  64.  #64seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 11:41 am

    I made myself laugh with the ‘time share’ comment!!!!!!!!!! Haahahahahah!!!! Feels SO dang good!!!! Yowza!!



  65.  #65ALA on April 12, 2013 at 11:45 am

    @63, Yay! ๐Ÿ™‚



  66.  #66ALA on April 12, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Seahorse, Yay you too!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  67.  #67seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Quick quick quick!!! What makes us happy???? Looking at my daughters face, the feeling of waves flowing over my body and spray from the bubbles when I pop back up, my dog, my pink blanket, when i hear church bells anywhere, I say thank you, I like the feeling of that, crunchy green veggies, flip flops (thank you genius person) and I feel happy in me!!!!!! Gratefulness feels good. Thank you makes me happy , I don’t feel so tired now. Awesome



  68.  #68Turquoise on April 12, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Seahorse…. I’m going to borrow that… what makes me happy????

    Seeing my girls happy and excited, barefeet in soft grass, fireworks bursting in the sky, being at the beach, any beach…. the smell, the sound, the sun…. blasting girly songs on the radio with the windows down and singing badly… getting picked up during a hug, and cheesecake! ๐Ÿ™‚



  69.  #69ALA on April 12, 2013 at 11:59 am

    My heart is doing the same thing as last night. Feeling the brokenness. My chest feels tight and pounding between fibrillations. Aching. I want to get better so much. I hate how much this hurts. Woke up feeling a little better, a little stronger. And then I start missing d again… I’m back there??! Seriously???!!!

    Breathe girl… it will pass. It always does.

    Just writing that out , getting it out of me feels better now.



  70.  #70ALA on April 12, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Was typing when we switched to “happy” ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Puffy clouds, my cat purring, my hair, Thunder & lightening, sugar scrubs, my furry blanket…



  71.  #71seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Turq-Woo hoo!!!! New songs in my head! Thank you!

    ALA- Zippity do dah!!!!!!! Thank you!!

    And a big ol’ Welcome to the new Sirens!!! The water is perfect! Dive in and feel it!!!



  72.  #72Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Arachne: Thank you! I just feel so passionate about this because I don’t think I’ll ever forget the feeling of “wondering” or “worrying” and stressing when J wasn’t with me. It’s a long process to discover you really ARE a Goddess that any man would be crazy to lose and that YOUR man loves you so much he doesn’t even think the same way anymore. It’s long and hard but…getting here is…bliss!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  73.  #73ALA on April 12, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Is this leaning forward with a guy:

    “This meeting people off the internet can feel scary sometimes. Yet, it feels better to meet as soon as possible to get a better idea who the person is, before building up any preconceived ideas about one another. What do you think?”

    I understand he wants me to feel safe and comfortable, but I’m feeling kinda turned off by his voice on the phone (and lengthy emails) and want to see how it feels in person.



  74.  #74seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    The fear turned into the crocodile under the couch dream. I visualized looking under the couch and and telling it i love you it’s okay come out, all the time…………….I love you I love you I love you. Then it changed to a dream of melting. It changed to a little scary dark girl like thing and I was telling it I love you it’s okay I love you nothing will hurt you. It melted. I feel love for it and lighter for that happening. I didn’t need that voice anymore. She was scared and now I’m not. Whoa…….. I saw what i just wrote.



  75.  #75Janie baby on April 12, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    Thank you Turquoise Mercedes and Lovealways.

    I agree Mercedes. He is already gone and I dont’ want to bother him right now so I think when he’s back I’ll just tell him I feel insecure and it’s not about him. Thanks so much for the long post. I really appreciate your feedback and am going to incorporate it in my day. Im going out with the girls tonight for margaritas ๐Ÿ™‚ So that should be fun. I want him to contact me but I don’t want to ask for it. He responded to my “have fun this weekend” text with “Love you. I’ll see you sunday. I’ll be in touch with you this weekend” So i assume he’ll call me or something. i kind of just don’t want to respond so he’ll miss me this weekend. I guess these trust issues are just going to take time to work on. I guess when I feel really exposed and like I’ve fallen, it makes me terrified. I just wanna close up my heart and play it safe. I feel loads lighter now though after everyone’s advice. Thank you so much.

    Alwayslove : that sounds good to me. ๐Ÿ™‚ I better start putting everything into action.

    <3 <3 <3 lots of love



  76.  #76Janie baby on April 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Yeah I agree wtih Arachne

    I always love your advice Mercedes. gonna save all of this ๐Ÿ™‚ <3 ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚



  77.  #77Indigo on April 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Smile,

    That is SOOO wonderful!!! On top of an elephant ๐Ÿ™‚ That makes me feel all soft and warm inside.



  78.  #78Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    ALA: In my personal opinion, leaning forward with someone new is good sometimes if you want to use it to practice and see how it feels for you. Personally, I think I’d feel really empowered sending something like you wrote above. And I like feeling empowered. If you goal is to feel soft and receiving with this man though…maybe just give it some time and see what he does first??? Or only respond to those long emails in short replies and end conversations after a quick call??? I don’t really know. I like what you wrote.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  79.  #79Liquid Light on April 12, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    ALA, Yes, I feel the same way too. I invest as little time as possible before I meet with the person which means 0 phone time, and very few emails.

    Maybe just tell him you’d prefer to meet over coffee and see how it goes.



  80.  #80seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Trigger………….. I’m going to name my seahorse Trigger. It doesn’t feel scary, I feel amazed. and I feel proud and very loving. Safe!!!!!!!! I feel safe.. Oh I love me and a big hug. Magic



  81.  #81Indigo on April 12, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    (((ALA)))

    I know those heart fibrillation feelings well.

    Re: 73

    I don’t think that’s leaning forward at all, but I personally would make it shorter and more smiley, something like “Ooh, it feels so much better to get to know each other in person ๐Ÿ™‚ “. Just a thought ๐Ÿ™‚



  82.  #82Mercedes on April 12, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    The real me would probably say: “How long do you expect these emails and phone conversations will go on before you finally ask me out on a date?”

    Oops…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  83.  #83seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    ALA- That sounded great.

    Smile- That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing, I felt happy to read it.



  84.  #84ALA on April 12, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    Thanks, Mercedes.

    Too late, I already sent it. hahaha

    … and I’ve been doing most everything else you said. Feels GREAT to get validated!



  85.  #85ALA on April 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Indigo… ooh, dang. I forgot to smile!

    I’ll work on that.



  86.  #86prplpsn28 on April 12, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    “Change is sometimes needed to better yourself, love yourself and truly be happy. Never stop working on the best that you can be.”



  87.  #87Dominique on April 12, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    janie baby – 49 – this might help you.

    http://sexandheart.com/choose-trust-2

    xxoo



  88.  #88Michael Spenceley on April 12, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Agree with April Rose. It’s all about an energy shift. You have to change and become the best you can be. Focus on doing this and you will see things change for the better.



  89.  #89ALA on April 12, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Happy Birthday, Dominique!



  90.  #90seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique!!!! I mean Glinda!!!!



  91.  #91Dominique on April 12, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Aw thank you ALA and seahorse. I’ve been so wonderfully inundated with beautiful birthday wishes. I feel so filled up.

    Seahorse – I was given a Glinda tiara to wear today. If you look for me on FB, you’ll see. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xxoo



  92.  #92Elsie on April 12, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Happy Birthday Dominique!!!!!!!



  93.  #93Zia on April 12, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Just want to address janie baby’s fears: when i was young I started a relationship that would last 9 years, with a guy who was a HUGE flirt. he used to flirt with all the ladies. and i was hugely jealous and insecure and hated him going on boys nights. but that’s just how he was at that age. it was all about my own insecurities and jealousies and i knew that if i kept being jealous and insecure it wouldn’t work. he grew out of it as time went on. and what i learnt was that trust is a choice. now, i choose to trust my partners. if they want to have a boys night or boys weekend then they’re more than welcome to, because i also value the importance of time with my girlfriends. if they cheat, they cheat, my heart will be broken but i’ll be ok. no one has ever cheated on me. on the flipside, my recent ex ended up being the insecure one and i got to see how life was like on the opposite side of the coin. it is NOT fun to have someone imply you’re cheating, to be constantly reassuring them that you’re not even LOOKING at other guys, and having to feel like you have to watch what you say or do around their friends. he ended up breaking up with me because he was convinced i had a thing going with a friend of his (a friend whom i’ve never seen outside his presence). he was so convinced that i was cheating that he couldn’t be with me anymore, and nothing i could say or do would change his mind.

    he had the choice to trust me and he chose not to. it’s a horrible feeling to be accused of something you’d never do.



  94.  #94seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    My daughter and I were walking arm in arm in a department store and we were laughing joking around and having a good time and then, a man walked in front of us and stopped. Right there, in front of us. He was smiling, in his eyes and on his face. He said ‘I want to tell you how beautiful it is to see a mother and daughter so happy being close. Your laughing and happiness is all the time isn’t it?’ My daughter and i looked at each other and laughed. She said no, not all the time but I love my mommy, she’s fun. I’m standing there smiling away, leaning back, and enjoying. He said ‘ Always take care of your relationship with her and don’t lose this specialness with her.’ He looked at me and said ‘ You, too.’ I said ‘ That feel so good hear. Thank you’. He stood there just beaming at us and so happy.

    We are open open open. And love was shining for all to share!!! Thank you



  95.  #95seahorse on April 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    My daughter’s love language is ‘Touch”, so is mine:) It all works out so perfectly. Thank you



  96.  #96Syrena on April 12, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    I feel really triggered by this and other advice to Janie Baby.
    The advice is what you did or would do.
    This is not authentic to where Janie Baby is at and how she real feels in her situation.

    “Janie Babyโ€ฆ.. when I was in college and my ex-husband and I had been dating for about 2 years, he was graduating and wanted to go to Vegas to visit a friend, who happened to be a girl. I wasnโ€™t thrilled about it, but knew they were strictly platonicโ€ฆ. more like family. I shared that I wished he wasnโ€™t going, as he was going to be leaving for the army soon, and the issue of trust came up. As weโ€™d been talking about marriage and he was soon going to be out of state/the countryโ€ฆ. I thought about what I really wanted and whether I trusted him or not. He was going on the trip if I liked it or notโ€ฆ so I may as well be supportive about it. I regret to say that I didnโ€™t spend the weekend doing lots of fun things without him, instead I over functioned and ironed all his military uniforms so theyโ€™d be ready to go when he left, and helped his mom with a few thingsโ€ฆ. but it meant a tremendous amount to him. He did miss me, said it was weird being away without me, and soon told his mother that he planned to marry me. 2 months later he bought me a huge diamond and proposed at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. Men need us, but they need their freedom tooโ€ฆ. they need to not feel like they CANT do what they want. The goal, I believeโ€ฆ. is to be so happy with yourself, to make the most of the time apart to do fun things for yourself, even sayโ€ฆ. โ€œwow baby, Iโ€™m really going to miss you, yet Iโ€™m excited to see my friends and have a girls night. I canโ€™t wait to hear all about your tripโ€ฆ I really hope you have a wonderful time!โ€ And mean it. He will feel like the luckiest guy, brag about you to his friends, and think about you happily while he is gone.”

    This feels bad to me. And rewarding something that Janie doesn’t want that And totally opposite to what Rori’s tools and advice is about.
    Which would be to be authentic and write a love scipt for Janies authentic feelings and then stop the exclusivity and CD.

    Janie are you able to write you own authentic love script? Not what someone eles love script on how they would feel and react in your circumstances? It is about being YOU, your feelings and wants. And what you feel and what you want is not WRONG, it’s right for you. it’s who you are.



  97.  #97Zia on April 12, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    I agree with liquid light 79. I prefer not to spend a lot of time with emails and I don’t care much for speaking on the phone unless I actually am really interested in the person.



  98.  #98Syrena on April 12, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Janie Baby.This is what Rori says about trust. And I totally get this now.
    The opposite to what most of us were taught and learned to do. This appears to what some other Sirens are advising.

    “How To Create Complete Safety With Him So He Wants To Get Closer And Closer

    Rose,

    If you’ve ever felt furious with a man because he just doesn’t “get” why he’s making you unhappy, I can help.

    Some men are actually, on purpose trying to hurt you – because that’s the only way they know to relate to a woman. But most men are just clueless. They really want to be with you.

    Most men are lonely – yes, they really are. Most men feel awkward and less confident than you would imagine. In fact, most of the GOOD men out there lack confidence and feel awkward around women.

    But they just cover it up with either an “I don’t care” attitude, a determination to keep an emotional “distance” between you, or outright hostility!
    The Best-Kept Secret About Men

    Start Feeling Adored By The Man You Want, Now
    Have The Relationship You Want

    I want you to feel completely supported and guided in your path to the relationship of your dreams. That’s why I’ve now put all my programs online for INSTANT viewing.

    No matter how hopeless you feel about your love life right now, you CAN turn it around – and now faster than ever. I know you can, because I did it and my clients do it each and every day.

    Click here to choose the right program for you and start watching it on your PC, tablet, or smart phone:
    Pick Your Program

    It’s amazing sometimes how far a man will go to protect his own heart. And nearly the worst thing we can do is to take what he does and says and close up our own hearts in response.

    The secret of all my Rori Raye tools is that they instantly help you keep your heart and your “energy field” open – no matter WHAT he’s doing or saying!

    If you trust YOURSELF with a man, he will trust YOU.

    Now…this is very different from insisting that YOU trust HIM. And I know this is hard to get, because trust seems like it has to be a given in a good relationship – and it does. But it doesn’t begin with you trusting him.

    It begins with you trusting you.

    It begins with a sense that no matter what he does or says, you’ll be okay. It begins with him getting that you will not tolerate bad behavior, garbage, mistreatment, neglect, or any form of abuse or disconnection.

    And the REASON you can trust yourself not to tolerate bad behavior is just that…you trust yourself!

    And then, it makes it possible for you to be yourself around him. You can be warm, open, loving and easy-going with him.
    Why Trusting Yourself Brings Him Closer

    If you so completely respect and accept yourself, you’ll automatically respect and accept him – exactly the way HE is.

    And he instantly “gets” that you respect and accept him.

    Your intention to be exactly who you are in his presence – no matter what – not only completely turns him on, it makes him feel manly and accepted and trusted all at the same time.

    And that’s when he becomes trustworthy.

    That’s when you begin to trust him. And that’s how a great, deep, and connected relationship gets created.

    So much of this depends on the words you use. They have to be not only respectful and communicate simply – they have to be true!

    Men are so used to hearing demands from women – from their mothers, their teachers, and even the women around them at work. They’re so used to this that they almost automatically shutdown and tune out whenever the sound of your voice or the content of your words triggers them in a way that feels like a demand.
    Show Him He Needs YOU

    You can be ahead of nearly every other woman around by learning how to put words together that are respectful, non-demanding and yet truly express what it is you want, what it is you need and what it is you feel – in a way that makes his heart want to get closer to your heart.

    The way to learn this is in my Love Scripts program. In it, I cover nearly every possible scenario – in a dating situation, in a relationship situation, even in a married situation – and also teach you how to create your own scripts.

    What this does for you is take all the frustration out of communicating with a man!

    After you’ve done it a few times, you realize that you’ve been reacting to situations in the same way you always have. And you’ll start to see how the same situations come up over and over and over again. You start to experience how simple, easy, and actually FUN it is to speak your deepest feelings and fears to a man.

    Take a look at Love Scripts right here:
    Watch a FREE Preview Now

    And be sure to let me know how it works for you. I love this program because it’s so incredibly practical and instantly usable.

    I know that it will change your life incredibly quickly.

    Love, Rori.”



  99.  #99Syrena on April 12, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    ‘ appears to be opposite to what some other Sirens are saying re trust’



  100.  #100Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Oooo Dominique I thought you were April 13. Happy happy birthday beautiful Goddess



  101.  #101Femininewoman on April 12, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    Mercedes I thought you were next.



  102.  #102Sassy on April 12, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Happy Birthday, Dominique! I hope it’s everything you want it to be!



  103.  #103Zia on April 12, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    I am feeling very sick and fearful and unhappy right now. I don’t understand why these feelings are coming up but I know they’re ok.

    Once again resisting the urge to reach out, and reminding myself that reaching out would serve no purpose.



  104.  #104Elsie on April 12, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    HI all….

    Just a bit of an update since so many of you have been so instrumental in my growth ๐Ÿ™‚

    Ok – so as you may remember I asked (leaned in) on Monday to ask for him to come over. He had asked me to tell him when I wanted him to come over, and not always have it be him, and that he needs me to tell him what I need because he just doesnt “get it.” and he really wants to. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Monday date was awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚ As per usual – lots of I love yous and very close!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    The rest of the week has been great – and really nice.

    And today I again expressed an activity that I would like to do with him in June, and I could tell that he wasnt gung ho on it. But I gently waited, and then a few hours later said – hey, you know…..you wanted me to let you know when something was important to me, and I would like to do this with you, it would feel fun for me to do this activity in this city with you. And he just smiled and said – ok, we’ll do it. ๐Ÿ™‚ It was so cute. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I was fussy early in the day, because I was again setting up EXPECTATIONS because there was something ELSE that I wanted to go to , and wondered why he wouldnt take the initiative to work on the details because he knew I wanted to go……and THEN OUT OF THE BLUE….he gives me two huge things he worked on for me for work. Now, I know those are unrelated. But the POINT is that in that moment, I saw as Dominique says….this is his love. This is how he is showing me he loves me, and I better look at it because this is who he is and how he shows love, and I was very overwhelmed, and all of a sudden this stupid work he did for my work seemed actually romantic. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I would have missed it if I had been fixated on him not planning details on an event he has already probably forgotten that I want to go to LOL.

    Anyway – at the end of the day today, he just told me how beautiful I was. I told him, you make me feel beautiful. And he said….no, you just ARE beautiful. And I love you.

    Does it get better? LOL.

    I know he isnt as emotional and wont think to plan the evens I want, but you know……the love is there, and he is giving it to me, I just have to let go of the expectations and see what is really there. Sometimes …. what shows up is even better. ๐Ÿ™‚



  105.  #105Zia on April 12, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I feel weak, and I feel so much overwhelming sadness again today.



  106.  #106prplpsn28 on April 12, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Oh boy! Feeling confused. I went out with friends tonight without H and had a great time. Actually flirted with a couple guys and it felt good. H decided to go play hockey. Which is perfectly fine with me. I’m actually really happy that after all these years since high school and now in his mid 40’s that he has gotten back into it. I actually think it’s kind of sexy too. But now I feel disappointed that he didn’t ask me to come watch him. But at the same time he knew that I was out with friends. And it seems as tho he wants to come over when he’s done with hockey but part of me feels like if you don’t spend quality time with me then don’t expect to come over and expect sex from me. Cuz it will be really late when he gets here. But then again it seems like he is trying to make time for me in his busy schedule. I’m not sure what to do. My first instinct is to listen to the nasty voices that are telling me “no way, ignore him, don’t let him come over”. Wow! Am I even making any sense?! I’m just confused by all of this. Still learning. Any ideas?



  107.  #107prplpsn28 on April 12, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    And yes I know that sounds crazy but…me who is in my mid 40’s and has been divorced for 5 yrs now IS STILL LEARNING about dating. I think it’s much different now too then it was back when.



  108.  #108Zia on April 12, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    prplpsn28 107: I think all of us are here because we’re still learning ๐Ÿ™‚

    All of this seems to come so easy and naturally for some people!



  109.  #109Lisa on April 12, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    I’m in a relationship with a man that started out me not really being that interested. Knowing what I know, I allowed it to continue to see where it might go. Now 3 mos it has been great. He told me on the first date. He has found what he wants and he said “I took my profile off”. I’m giving you my full attention. We had spoken on the phone for hours during the holidays and then met and talked for 2hrs. He didn’t say a word about me not dating anyone else he just pursued me like crazy. Said “take your time, I’m not going anywhere you are what I want”. He says, I love you and you are the one for me. I want to spend the next 40 years with you. Marriage is on his mind. He started to slip some and I’ve taken your course realized I had started making suggestions, and leading things some. Though he did tell me he followed my lead in the beginning. I tend to turn on the masculine b/c I have to be that most of the time. When I first met him I was so totally feminine that I couldn’t believe it… he just brings it out in me. Talking about juicy, sexy and all… I was and it was great! I’d never experienced it before. I’m getting back to it and leaning back. He said tonight you are my baby, I’m all yours, I love you! Good match, so far, I think so, only 2 concerns.. One the money issue which we haven’t really gotten to yet, since it is a new relationship. The other is more concerning to me. I don’t know if it is just men in general. He tends to talk more about himself and what is going on with him. He has ask me questions in the past, and does on occasion but, it tends to be more him talking about himself, and me commenting. I’m a big fan of working from the inside out… I’ve done it for 20 years. So, I’m excited to find that you also teach that concept, it fits for me. So, I’m a “you first” woman. I know it has to do with me… But question is: Is this something that can be turned around or have I landed another Narcissistic type man? He is kind, loving, caring, a gentleman, and playful, open etc. I just really would love to be with a man that wants to really get to “know me”… deeply. Am I asking too much? It could be he doesn’t realize he is doing it. I’m not sure at what point to bring it up using my I feel messages.. Though him reading a poem I wrote years ago about men only wanting me as a trophy might have clued him in… I know he is learning about me, notices little things about me.. just would be nice for him to say, how do you feel about…. and how was your day…, how is your project going? Love your work Rori and excited!



  110.  #110Indigo on April 12, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Dominique!

    Happy birthday to you, gorgeous goddess!

    I do hope it was absolutely wonderful. Xx



  111.  #111Millie on April 13, 2013 at 2:44 am

    Hi ladies-joining a little late…

    @Lisa–your story really resonated with me. I feel like I know exactly the type of man you are speaking about. And No, not all men are like that. For me, it felt like they didn’t see ME. They saw me as an extension of themselves, how I fit into their life, but not who I am/was at all. Needless to say…I couldn’t stand it, and I’ve left every man that made me feel that way regardless of how interested he said he was. Deep down I didn’t believe their affections to be true..in my opinion they loved their own reflection in my eyes more than looking into my eyes. I don’t remember if I ever addressed the issue, just made the decision it wasn’t what I wanted, that I felt disconnected and left.

    I’m not an expert, but my advice would be if you are considering a life with him, is to bring it up. Maybe next time he is talking AT you and you feel the frustration welling up–ask him to pause the conversation and let him know “While I enjoy hearing about you and your day, I am feeling a little frustrated. This conversations feels one-sided and I want to be in a relationship with a man that is equally curious and interested about me and my day.” and see what happens…?

    Just a suggestion! ๐Ÿ™‚



  112.  #112Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 6:01 am

    @Lisa – I highly recommend you read the Queens Code. Now. Today. Go get it online – its an ebook. It sounds like you have a WONDERFUL. MAN. Let me repeat the part that is important – MAN.

    Men are not hairy women.

    As women, we need to stop comparing them to what the ideal woman would do. Share, ask questions, dig deep emotionally. Those are signs that YOU CARE that YOU are emotionally connecting. Men connect COMPLETELY differently.

    I can say this because my man never asks a question first about my inner most being and soul. At first I was upset, until I read the queens code, and Rori Raye, and listened to Dominique on here talk about expectations.

    You have a wonderful man. He loves you. He is not going to be a woman. He is going to show his love differently. He is going to get light bulbs, and fix faucets, and think how to PROVIDE for you. Please please consider not wandering into the territory of punishing him because he is not a woman, does not think like a woman, and never will think like a woman. ๐Ÿ™‚



  113.  #113Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Hi Elsie it feels weird that you wouldn’t recommend Rori’s programs, especially now that she has such a great offer of one price for all of them. Do you find Queen’s Code more effective or practical?



  114.  #114Lisa on April 13, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Good point Elise! This is why I ask Rori about it being a “Man” thing. Something inside tells me he is interested in me. I can’t explain it. I was just hoping to have a little more balance. He does fix light bulbs and think of ways to help me. He does bring me dinner and rub my back and feet when they hurt. He brings me water and asks me to please drink lots of it. He says he wants a deeper relationship. (maybe he doesn’t know how?) I should give it more time and Yes! I’ll read that book. I don’t know about Dominique where can I read about her? Thanks!



  115.  #115prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Feeling very bad this morning. I think I’m just done with this situation. He will never be serious about this. Haven’t had much chance to use Rori’s tools but I’m done.



  116.  #116Indigo on April 13, 2013 at 6:19 am

    prplpsn28 106

    Are you able/willing to communicate with him about these things? If so, we can perhaps help you with a script or what to say.



  117.  #117Indigo on April 13, 2013 at 6:26 am

    D sent me a message on Thursday to say that he would be depositing money into my account, and then one last night to remind me that my favourite TV program was starting last night. Both times, I briefly acknowledged him but other than that I haven’t communicated with him since Monday morning.

    It has been actually quite easy – painful at times, but otherwise quite easy. I have some wonderful support, and I think the hard work I have done on myself is paying off in the form of great strength, and a calm mind, and a much more natural ability and willingness to take care of myself, through this part. I am not beating myself up, and I feel better about myself every day to the point that, even though I am kind of grieving, I am able to really smile at myself and say “how lovely you are”.

    It feels good to move away from bad behavior and from a man who was mistreating me and stringing me along, and it feels really powerful to have a real, fully embodied experience of what it feels like to walk away from that and say no, I don’t want that.



  118.  #118Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Lisa click on Dominique’s name. It will take you to her website. I also encourage you to read around the blog here, there is tons of information in the articles. Look to the right, at the top or bottom. Rori encourages leaning back. When you are with your man you can do it physically, with your palms up and open and smiling while melting into yourself. Use I feel messages. Look at what you are saying or doing that is contributing to the situation. Many of us unconsciously choose to be absent by asking the man questions about himself rather than sharing our own humanity and our experiences. Some guys find asking questions to be disrespectful as they assume people will tell you what they want you to know. Just yesterday I heard a guy saying he felt like a loser, an idiot to be asking questions. Another at my job told me he felt concerned that his supervisor was feeling annoyed with him about asking questions because he should already know. Many men are not sure we want them to ask questions and because they are insecure and lonely themselves they fear pushing us away and just assume that they should know how to be and be the man. Maybe a simple it feels good/sexy or whatever it feels like to you when he listens might do the trick, after he really listens to you, to reinforce the behavior.



  119.  #119prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 6:32 am

    At this point I’m so upset at him about last night I have no idea how to feel or what to say. Feel like he didn’t give a crap or even make any effort.



  120.  #120Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Why prplpsn28? You realize that is a judgement not a feeling?



  121.  #121Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:35 am

    You can only know for sure when he tells you he doesn’t give a crap.



  122.  #122Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:40 am

    BTW Lisa I would take him telling me that he wants a deeper relationship as a clue that he wants to know about me and is depending on me to lead him emotionally. It might be a suggestion that he feels it is a bit superficial right now and he wants you to open up more and be more vulnerable with yourself, your dreams, your desires, your feelings. He might be at a place wanting to take the relationship to the next level. I would encourage you to start asking yourself “how can I open up more, how can I share my heart more”? I believe the answers will come from within you.



  123.  #123Lisa on April 13, 2013 at 6:42 am

    @femininewoman…. I do lean back, but will practice it more… I’ve still got more videos to watch. That’s a great idea.. I’ll try saying that when he does ask me questions… Thanks! I feel more excited now that I have something to try and say! yay! I love empowerment. Thanks!



  124.  #124Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 6:48 am

    Do you have Reconnect Your Relationship Lisa?



  125.  #125Lisa on April 13, 2013 at 6:51 am

    @femininewoman I bought all of them I think with the special price… I’m pretty sure it is in it… That would be helpful to watch? Ok… Shew! Lots to work on and lots to listen to.. it’s great! I love self inquiry and it keeps me busy on me and my mind off him…



  126.  #126Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 6:51 am

    @FW – I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rori’s stuff!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m here and its because of her.

    The reason I recommended the Queens Code is because it seemed to talk EXACTLY about what she needed – which is why men wont be women, etc.

    I do love Rori and I will take nothing away from how fantastic she is. But I have to say that the Queens Code has been instrumental in “laying down my sword” with men, and seeing that they are “not hairy women” and how they have a reason for doing everything (even if you dont like it) and what words to use and how to interact with them. I am in love with the Queens Code LOL. And it works in conjunction with Roris stuff, just as Dominiques stuff does… ๐Ÿ™‚



  127.  #127Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Lisa Reconnect has a lot of advice about how to BE around a man, when you are in a relationship. How to think and what to focus on. Things that will help your mind to relax and to receive the love.



  128.  #128Turquoise on April 13, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Syrena,

    I wasn’t sharing my story to tell Janie Baby what to do… I was sharing it because I was in a similar situation and that is how mine played out. We were early 20’s, had been dating 2 years, I definitely didn’t want him to go and I was worried about it too. But, he was going if I liked it or not and I chose to trust him. It wasn’t easy and I was worried…. but where my situation was different, he was going to be moving away. I wish I had known about Rori back then and gone and had fun with my friends… but I’ve been an over functioner for a long time.

    It ended up he did miss me. He knew I wasn’t trying to control him or take his freedom… and during the time we were apart the next months, I repeatedly showed that I trusted him. It made a big difference and he proposed shortly after. Now, we were together for 13 years before we divorced, so not exactly a success story or a failure… but that was where it went from dating exclusively, to him seriously planning our future.

    I do disagree with advice given here to be so open and honest with him and share how badly she feels that he disregarded her feelings and went anyways. We are all people, we should be able to do what we want, without feeling so responsible for hurting other people. (within reason of course) I’m not saying not to share that she felt sad and realized it was here issue…. but coming across as needy and jeaous, may backfire. What I was trying to advise was to focus on herself and shift her focus a little off of him and onto what makes her feel good about herself.

    How many times have we heard them say, “my ex was crazy. She was jealous, I couldn’t even go out with my friends…. etc.” I certainly don’t want to be that girl. Just my take, not claiming to be a coach or a professional. ๐Ÿ™‚



  129.  #129IamHis on April 13, 2013 at 8:21 am

    I hate talking about this on here, not because it’s not good for me, but because I just feel so scared of what other people are going to say, or of being judged. Maybe this is just where I am “in my journey.”

    I’m listening to Targeting Mr. Right, and I feel like Sleaze (new nickname, remember?) was trying to do just that. What I mean is, isolate me from other men. any time he used to notice other men around me, he would march right up and try to “steal me away.”

    and it worked, because I liked seeing how much he seemed to want me…

    but then, all these other guys that he was “stealing me away from” seemed to go off and get in relationships with other girls…

    Still haven’t been on many dates…

    It feels difficult to distribute attention to more than one guy.

    I feel like a lot of the guys I attract are insecure, and some of them have “gone away” when seeing how many “options” I have…

    but I’m still frustrated that this is just me, being with other guys not in a dating sense, but just out and about doing things in life.

    but I still feel jealousy coming from the guys, and that confuses me…

    bleh…

    and I have never felt so angry EVER as I feel right now with Sleaze.

    I don’t even understand it…

    I feel like he “stole my power” or something, and then just discarded the shell that was left, if that makes sense…

    still listening and working on stuff…

    don’t bark at me quite yet…

    I feel…curious, skeptical, hopeful, and confused listening to all the programs…



  130.  #130Liz on April 13, 2013 at 8:54 am

    I have to say thank you thank you thank you Rori, Dominque and everyone. This really works. Ive posted parts of my story on other threads. My guy and I have turned yet another corner. The affection between us has really come back. With Rori’s tools, I am so focused on myself yet completely open to him. He is not talking about our future again, he is affectionate towards me again, he does what he says. And all because I opened up. told the truth. and everyday I remind myself tell the truth of how u feel. Good, bad and ugly. Take responsibility for my feelings but also I don’t pretend all is ok when its not. And he loves it! he has said twice this week.. ” I like that you are telling the truth. I may not like what u say, but I like hearing the truth of how you are feeling”… things have been so great. I don’t have to ask for more closeness. Yet, I let him have his space and time without thinking anything is wrong. Last night he was soo sweet to me. and caring. and supportive. I am leaning back. I let him pursue and he does. And I am just open to him and responsive. I like this new me. And its not just my relationship it in all my life. I am so happy. Even though I am facing challenges in other parts of my life, i.e work and all, I am still telling my truth . .. always. And I feel great.



  131.  #131Liz on April 13, 2013 at 9:00 am

    oops. Is talking about our future.. haha



  132.  #132Turquoise on April 13, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Yippee Liz!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚



  133.  #133Millie on April 13, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I guess we weren’t talking about the same kind of man after all….



  134.  #134IamHis on April 13, 2013 at 9:15 am

    What if the one who sends you a ring and a date isn’t the one that feels best/seems best?

    What if another man with qualities that you want more isn’t at that place with you quite yet?



  135.  #135Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 9:21 am

    How are your Turquoise. I feel agreement and mostly resonance with what you are saying. About the honesty and opennes I believe it is for oneself. Honesty heals so finding a way to share openly without awkwardness and being demanding can create massive growth, depth and closness in a relationship. I believe this deeply because many times dealing with women I get the sense of them creating drama. So I pay attention to how I experience it to also help myself grow and bring people close. I am not always successful. :). But I try.



  136.  #136IamHis on April 13, 2013 at 9:32 am

    “there’s usually a better man right next to him” Truer words have never been spoken. Wow.



  137.  #137IamHis on April 13, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I can’t get over how everything I’ve been reading and Rori’s programs work together. She’s talking about Boundaries and I’m reading a great book about Boundaries right now.

    Love that! ๐Ÿ™‚



  138.  #138Liquid Light on April 13, 2013 at 9:36 am

    @Lisa

    “or have I landed another Narcissistic type man? He is kind, loving, caring, a gentleman, and playful, open etc. I just really would love to be with a man that wants to really get to โ€œknow meโ€โ€ฆ deeply. Am I asking too much?”

    this sounds exactly like my last relationship. I didn’t feel known and it felt like the relationship was always about him and his wants and desires came first. Of course, it was very seductive because he had lots of $ and spent it freely on me with dinners out, trips, gifts etc. I loved that. But also felt like it wasn’t so much about me but about him being adored and worshiped. I didn’t really feel like my own needs and wants were taken into account. And also my thoughts and opinions were kinda discounted. Once I started giving more priority to my own needs and desires, he dumped me and found someone new! It was awful! Anyway, I would pay attention to the concerns you have. Don’t ignore it. Maybe its something you can work out together but its def something that needs attention. Don’t sweep it under the carpet because it will come back up more and more as the relationship progresses.



  139.  #139Liquid Light on April 13, 2013 at 9:40 am

    @Millie 111

    “They saw me as an extension of themselves, how I fit into their life, but not who I am/was at all.”

    Yes, exactly. That’s how it was with my ex too. I didn’t like it either.



  140.  #140Lisa on April 13, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Thanks! I’m not one to sweep things under the carpet. I put them in my basket and look at them when the time is right. I have to say that I’ve had those relationships long ago as well. I was a trophie. It felt awful. However, I’m not a insecure, meek woman anymore. I’m outspoken and very confident so those men don’t even try with me anymore, I’ll call them on it. I have to say that what Rori says is correct. Always go inside and find out what it is going on with yourself first. I was just looking at it this a.m. I found out that I still have a belief that “you first” thing she talks about. So, my job now is to put me first see what happens. He might walk away, or he might come closer. Working on myself feels great, empowering and strong. I agree some men can’t go any deeper than having a woman as an extension of themselves…. and they usually won’t stick around a woman that isn’t willing to be that extension and loves herself. Hopefully that made sense..



  141.  #141Liquid Light on April 13, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Yeah, sounds good, Lisa.

    Just had another thought: with my ex the underlying current was “my way or the highway”. When it wasn’t his way anymore (and I started focusing more on work and my art) he unceremoniously dumped me!



  142.  #142BeLoved on April 13, 2013 at 9:58 am

    134

    IamHis,

    “What if the one who sends you a ring and a date isnโ€™t the one that feels best/seems best?”

    If I recall correctly, Rori says, “date at least three, keep the focus on ME, until I have a ring *and* I am happy about it/it feels good.”



  143.  #143Millie on April 13, 2013 at 9:59 am

    @Liquid Light–Wow, sounds like you gained a lot from having that experience. It’s hard when it feels good and bad at the same time. I’m glad you found yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Lisa–Looking at the comments, it sounds like your man has potential! Interested to hear how it goes.



  144.  #144Millie on April 13, 2013 at 9:59 am

    @Liquid Light–Wow, sounds like you gained a lot from having that experience. It’s hard when it feels good and bad at the same time. I’m glad you found yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Lisa–Looking at the comments, it sounds like your man has potential! Interested to hear how it goes.



  145.  #145Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 9:59 am

    LL/Millie how do you know that is how you were seen?



  146.  #146ALA on April 13, 2013 at 11:09 am

    ooohhh, I could answer that!

    I know you weren’t talking to me, FW. I am interested to hear what LL & Millie have to say.

    For me, it was how I was *feeling* while I was with them…going deeper it was how I was feeling about myself.

    Today is going to be such a good day! I got a solid 13 hour sleep last night after just getting a few hours here and there for a couple weeks now. I feel my body healing itself.

    I feel silly for honing my skills to not want to attract men all these years, when they just saw a beautiful woman in me and wanted to be close to me.

    Thank you for taking care of me. ((( ALA )))



  147.  #147Janie baby on April 13, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Thanks everyone for the feedback! I feel loads better today. I still feel a bit insecure but I am releasing the need to create this drama and trust him. Last night I was determined to have a crazy night with the girls so we got margaritas during happy hour. He texted me but I was drunk so my typing got messed up with autocorrect haha
    him “hey what’s up”
    me “Aww hey i’m drinking margs u?”
    him “I’m drinking with my buddies. About to bet on the laker game”
    him “hope your not too mad at me yet. I will take you on vacation in the summer”
    me “Ok sound good. No I’m having a lot of fun right now!” (I think I said that last part out of spite haha)
    him “Nice, have fun. I love you”
    “I love you too?
    Jeez.
    Stop being mad at me please. You know I love you dearly”
    And I couldn’t type out clerly so I stopped responding haha.

    So this morning I just texted him saying
    “I miss you! I’m not mad at you. I was just feeling a bit insecure. hope you have fun but not that much fun ๐Ÿ˜‰ ”

    what do you guys think of that text I sent? I always feel a little weird reaching out first. vulnerability scares me but i just wanted him to not feel like i’m mad at him this whole weekend.



  148.  #148Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Elsie, Femininewoman, Sassy, and Indigo – Thank you SO much. I had the best day, and the celebrations continue. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xxoo



  149.  #149Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Elsie – 104 – This is awesome, amazing, and I feel SO proud of you. Look at you, how far you’ve come and grown and in such a short time.

    xxoo



  150.  #150Janie baby on April 13, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    ohhh and Dominique I loved the article you sent me on trust ๐Ÿ™‚ <3 really eased my soul.

    happy birthday!



  151.  #151Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Lisa – 114 – I’m somewhat the resident coach on here though I do have my own site and practice. Rori is my friend, and I’m not sure how and why I started to be here as much as I am, maybe she encouraged it, I don’t know. As Femininewoman said, if you click on my name, it will take you to my site. I have a great deal of free material as well, also an ebook and video program, all of which can be found there. I’m also here quite a bit.

    xxoo



  152.  #152Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Lisa – Some men, many men, my K for example talked about himself A LOT and especially in the beginning. He still does most of the talking. And I came to discover that it wasn’t that he wasn’t interested in me, he thought that if I had something to tell him or to share, I just would. He doesn’t believe in prying. And I love this in him. Have you ever had someone asking you all kinds of questions about you, and soon you feel maybe not violated but certainly as though you’re space has been invaded. it can feel intrusive? And then you it seems as though you nothing at all about this person because they’re always asking you about you?

    Of course I’m exaggerating the situation, to make a point.

    Maybe he just doesn’t want to intrude. And it may just be that he was not raised this way, to ask questions, for whatever reason. Again it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to hear about you.

    So start talking. There is a huge difference between talking about yourself incessantly and sharing parts of yourself as you feel inspired to.

    To this day, and it will be eleven years tomorrow, K still doesn’t ask me many question, BUT he loves to hear what I have to say when I want to say it.

    As for the money thing, though you haven’t said what your concerns around money are, it’s too soon to go there, so please try to let this one go for now.

    xxoo



  153.  #153Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Liz – 130 – SO YAY YOU!!!

    xxoo



  154.  #154Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    @Dominique – Thanks!!! I do feel like I have come a long long way. At the same time, I think that I have given the space for HIM to grow as well. I was looking over some chats online that I had saved from last fall. It was amazing. This man has ALWAYS been there for me – yet somehow I still need constant reassurance….LOL. I’m so surprised he didnt totally leave when I was like that last summer haha! I didnt know Rori or anything back then!!!

    But he said something interesting to me the other night. I said – why do you think you arent good at relationships? You are awesome at this one. He said….because girls that I dated didnt understand me. They just didnt let me have my alone time and then it started to feel like nagging and pushing, and I want to do things on MY time, not their time, because then it doesnt feel genuine if I’m doing something because someone told me to….so I would just fade away.

    LOL. Wow. That could have been me and I could have let an awesome man slip away had I not had Rori’s tools and the Queens Code. Seriously. And DOMINIQUE – what would I have done without reading your articles??? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyway, he has said long ago that relationships are no good for him because it takes too much work, and he feels like he cant put in the work.

    Well, here you go. He is putting in TONS of work. And its because I gave him the SPACE to do it. He doesnt feel pressured…..he feels inspired. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am so proud of myself that I am who I am now, and that I could be the light that let him be his best possible version.

    Now, I have no idea if we end up together or not. But for right now…..life is good with him. ๐Ÿ™‚



  155.  #155Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    janie baby – I feel thrilled this helped you. And thank you so much.

    xxoo



  156.  #156Dominique on April 13, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Elsie – I have a huge smile on my face. Love to you.

    xxoo



  157.  #157prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    Indigo 116…I have a very hard time coming up with a good script to express my feelings to him. Feel like I’m going to sound too needy.

    FW 120…I’m realizing that now. Ugh! And this morning he sent me a text and told me what he ended up doing last night and that just upset me more. Shouldn’t have. I think like a couple others on here I am dealing with some trust issues also. I didn’t respond to him. Now wondering if that was the right decision.



  158.  #158Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    @prplpsn28 – what did he text you last night? What did he end up doing? At least he texted you – he could have done something and never told you and you would have never known…….

    How long have you dated him again?



  159.  #159prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Elsie…he was supposed to play hockey and then see me after. I was out with friends but home pretty early. He ended up not playing and went out to some bar with a couple of the guys. Which I don’t have a problem with any of that except that the plan was for him to stop by. We’ve been together for almost 19 months.



  160.  #160prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Idk. My head is spinning at the moment. Need to take a step back and chill lol. Some of my posts have probably contradicted themselves. Ugh! Sorry everyone. I read as many of the posts on here as I can. They are helpful and I appreciated everyone who responds to my posts. I am a work in progress but I will get there.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    Yes prplpsn28 you are contradicting yourself because you are not clear on what you want. Wqhen he wanted to come over you were worried it was only for sex. Now that he didn’t come over you are mad ar him. I believe you need to first start talking to yiurself.



  162.  #162Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    @prplpsn28 -We are all here to learn and we all are working through things. Dont apologize. The fact you are apologizing to us is sort of a red flag for me that you dont feel your feelings are important, etc. I think FW is right on this one totally – you are just confused as to what you want – so take time to sort that out and then you can know so you can communicate it to him.

    However, if you had DEFINITIVE plans that you were going to be together last night, and he just flaked out on you and told you later that he wasnt coming over after the fact, etc. then that seems to me to be disrespectful to you -and you could let him know that that feels bad (if it does) and that you need his HELP to figure out how to do it – a script would be: “I felt disconnected last night when you didnt come over like we had planned. Can you help me figure out whether I just misunderstood our plans, or a way to make sure that we can be on the same page in the future?”



  163.  #163Millie on April 13, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    @femininewoman– I’ve dated a few men that have made me feel like this. I can’t remember specific comments they made that led me to believe they considered me an extension of themselves, as it was a while ago. I do remember how I felt…. which was present but invisible at the same time. It could also have been their vibe and where I felt their affections coming from that made me feel like I didn’t want to be around him. Sorry I cant remember details…



  164.  #164Smile on April 13, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Ug, feelings of anxiety have washed over me tonight
    Im choosing trust
    Somewhere deep inside me are the insecurities left by strummingman

    I know that amb is talking to other women online. He left his Facebook open on my phone ๐Ÿ™
    Whilst we were away I noticed he was texting his wife he has been separated from for 3 years. I was sat behind him in the taxi and saw her name over his shoulder.
    I was so proud of myself for how I spoke to him about this. He was so loving and caring and told me it was to do with their house and that she wanted to meet. But he didn’t want to. I forced myself to trust him. A few days later his phone was open on the table and her name came up again. I spoke to him about how it made me feel. He again was so loving and wanted to reassure me. He showed me the text from her that said she wanted to start divorce proceedings as soon as he got back so that he can get on with his new life (ie me) he said she had sent that based on a discussion they had about how he felt about me and wanted to move on.
    He said he was falling for me. I felt like stardust and he hugged me so tight and spoke about how he wanted to create a life together. A few days later he told me he loved me. I felt amazing.

    Now 2 days on I’m wondering about the messages I saw on fb. I want to choose trust now that he has spoken about a future together and exclusivity. I assumed that before this we were dating and therefore he could see other women. But now I need to trust that this will stop as he has chosen me and I’ve chosen him. He’s still away and I’ve heard from him lots, wanting him to be back with him.

    I’m looking for reassurance.



  165.  #165Smile on April 13, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    I feel so amazing but my negative gremlins are telling me it’s too good to be true and he will hurt me.



  166.  #166Smile on April 13, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    This seems out of my control, I know it will work it’s self out. I choose trust. I want to keep my fun, alive vibe that has brought us together. These gremlins are not going to inspire him to love me.

    Booting out the gremlins!!!
    Yey me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Now I can lap up his love!!



  167.  #167Lanise on April 13, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Well, I was reading this blog and remembering what you wrote to me Rori about the fact that I’m still crushing over this man and that he’s not calling me so I shouldn’t call him or reach out to him in any way. However, I still can’t switch off my brain and I still can’t get over him and I am still very much IN LOVE WITH HIM! I still have flashbacks of all of our great moments, not so great moment and all the aspects of our relationship. I am dating a guy now that I like alot. Im trying my best to forget about this guy, but I cant. I just truly believe that he was and still is the one! I was reading what Turquoise posted on the 13th about how she communicated with him and he respected her and they are happy. Why can’t that work for me too? The post also has a lot of similiarities to the guy I’m still in love with. When we were together he didn’t have a car and neither did I after about a year of seeing each other I was in a car accident and we would see each other when one of us would spring for a cab. The last time we spoke in January we did not say it was over he did say he thought it was but when I told him it wasn’t he began to tell me what was happening to him since we spoke in September of last year prior to that. Now I’m no fool and I’m sure if I have somebody now he certainly does because I know who I was with. I know how I feel which as I mentioned before, that this man was the one who understood me and communicated with me on a level deeper than anyone else I ever been with. Like I mentioned before he’s the one. I am a person who is attracted to a man mentally more than anything else. So I guess again I need your help Rory because Im just wondering if I should lean forward just a little bit by sending him sometype of communication? I didn’t explain in the last post that I have his phone number he does not have mine. And that “crushing” you said I have is getting worse. I have never felt like this before and I know if I didn’t still care I wouldnt. I have had boyfriends and have never, I mean never had trouble getting over a guy and getting into a new relationship. What I’m trying to change for the rest of my life is making the right one last, doing what I need to do to change myself and knowing how to interact with the one I love to keep him wanting to be with me for the rest of his life as well.



  168.  #168Zia on April 13, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Indigo 117: hugs to you, i feel good reading your post x



  169.  #169Luzydel on April 13, 2013 at 5:02 pm


  170.  #170Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    @Smile – big hugs to you. The negative voices can be overwhelming. Some on here will say wait until he is completely divorced, but not me. Each person knows their own story, etc. How long have you been with him? Can you remind me again why he isnt divorced? When does he expect that to happen?

    I think once the divorce is finalized and then the plans start for your future these negative voices will go away for you.

    Until then, there is simply no way to get rid of them. You just have to hug them and say……I know you are trying to protect me negative voices, but I know what I”m doing here….but thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚



  171.  #171Femininewoman on April 13, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Thanks Luzydel



  172.  #172prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Ok. I am out right now with friends having a good time but….H texted me earlier to see what I was up to. He decided to meet me here but when I got here he basically ignored me and talked to someone he knew from high school. Then he left and said he would text me. Really?!! I’m really hurt and confused.



  173.  #173prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    Ok. I am out right now with friends having a good time but….H texted me earlier to see what I was up to. He decided to meet me here but when I got here he basically ignored me and talked to someone he knew from high school. Then he left and said he would text me. Really?!! I’m really hurt and confused. Feel like I don’t want to even respond to him if I hear from him.



  174.  #174Janie baby on April 13, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Elsie I feel so inspired by your story. I want to feel what you’re feeling ๐Ÿ™‚

    Wow. So when me and my guy first fell in love about 2.5 years ago or so, it was really crazy intense young love. we would talk about eloping and how crazy we were and getting married in the future, but then we stopped talking about it as things settled down and become real and I became naggy and pressuring him which led to distance in Sep – Nov/Dec. Since then I used Rori’s tools and things have been improving greatly. I feel like we’re falling in love all over again except this time I have to deal with the “naggy negative voices” and insecurities because I’m afraid of it not lasting. I just want to relax into the moment and let things happen. I still find myself wanting more time but I want to consider myself the prize and not fall into the trap of chasing him around. Now I kind of want to read queen’s code. hmmm.



  175.  #175Elsie on April 13, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    @Janie Baby – I feel humbled and maybe a little anxious because I am sooooo not where I want to be yet. LOL. I am still insecure, needy, and need way more reassurance than is healthy LOL!!!!

    But thank you for your words of kindness. ๐Ÿ™‚ I will tell you I started reading Rori last July. It changed my world. I do not think I would have the guy I do right now without her. I read the Queens Code two months ago….amazing as well.



  176.  #176Turquoise on April 13, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    FW, I’m doing ok…. I’ve been so busy with my girls and their play this weekend that I haven’t had much time to feel, I went into work this morning to make up some missed hours, got my haircut, did some shopping, cooked, cleaned and went to the play. C called this morning to let me know he was driving up for the play to surprise the girls. I was so happy for them. They love introducing him to their friends and were proud. His mom and stepdad came too and we all had a nice evening. He brought them roses and balloons and gave lots of praise. Seeing them happy makes me happy. Tomorrow a lot of my family is coming and then all coming over for dinner. Sweetheart is coming too. I’m looking forward to some cuddling on the couch and relaxing. The next two weeks will be busy for the girls which, I think is good. I’m not sleeping well and having bad dreams….. Still feel very sad, but I know that will get easier. It’s just so had to believe she’s gone. She was planning to see the play this weekend. It s a great loss in my life, to not have my mother.



  177.  #177prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Well…tonight went totally down hill. Don’t have a lot of faith in the tools or anything right now. I’m done



  178.  #178Tereana on April 13, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Janie Baby – that sounds do genuine and caring of him that he considered you and offered to take you on a vacation. I think in your heart, you know he is a great guy who loves you, and he’s not there to cheat on you. And I think it sounds like you are handling this really well. It is actually mature to ” bite your tongue” sometimes, and I think this is helping you.

    The “I feel insecure” text was spot on. It always feels weird to be vulnerable. But you’re owning it.

    I’d say you could even get more specific (if he responds, or in person, when he gets back.) tell him exactly what you feel insecure about – and, from what you wrote it soundsike it really bothered you that he might go to a strip club with his friends and see the girls there – even if you know that he loves you and is totally devoted to you. You can totally say that.

    This reminds me of when a friend of mine got married a few years back. She felt really uncomfortable with the idea of her husband having a bachelor party with strippers, etc. and I don’t know what she said to him exactly, but I know when she spoke to me about it, it was in terms of how it made HER feel – not that it was bad or wrong. But that she just couldn’t handle it. And so he didn’t do it. He had a bachelor party. It was just a tame one. And so was hers. I was there. But it was still fun and full of sexual innuendo. Just no strippers.

    My point is, it’s OK to feel insecure about something like that. You just don’t need to feel insecure about your insecurity : ) luckily, it sounds like you are totally on the right track ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hope you’re feeling better!



  179.  #179Indigo on April 13, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    prplpsn 28

    What happened? If it’s distressing you to this extent, could it be time to share with him how you feel?



  180.  #180Smile on April 13, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Elsie thank you so much for your reassurance. These gremlins come up every now and then. The guy who brought me to the blog went back to his ex after two years once we had our future plans all in place. But this is a totally different relationship and amb is not strummingman. They own property together which is in negative equity. They just rent it out currently. I know lots of people who haven’t divorced because of this including my parents. But now he has someone in his life that he wants to start a future together they are starting the divorce dispite this. I have managed to talk so openly with him around this. I’ve held back with some of my feelings, not wanting to be hurt. But I now recognise these are the things stopping us from moving forward together. He is working out the things he needs to to make us work.



  181.  #181Indigo on April 13, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Thank you Zia ๐Ÿ™‚ and thanks for the hugs.

    I feel empowered and very proud of myself. It’s a good feeling. This guy has a really wonderful good side, but when the bad side got as bad as it did, and the uncertainty, and what felt like emotional games, I am very glad I ultimately made the decision to disconnect.

    It does seem it took me too long to make that decision, but I remind myself that I am human, and in my way, I didn’t know any better. Now I do. And it feels good.



  182.  #182Indigo on April 13, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    Lanise 167

    Why would you want to lean forward? If this is in order to gain some kind of connection with him that he is not providing, it is not usually a good idea.



  183.  #183prplpsn28 on April 13, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Indigo…I try. He won’t open up to me at all. He shuts down. I probably won’t hear from him for a while now. He said he knows I’m unhappy with him right now and he refuses to talk. He’s at home and has stopped texting me.



  184.  #184Smile on April 13, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    I’m embracing his energy and love. It feels so warm and cuddly to hear the words I love you and to know they have not been said too easily. I see and feel his love more in his actions everyday too. I feel lucky ๐Ÿ™‚ to experience this.



  185.  #185Smile on April 13, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    This morning I’m thankful for a cup of tea, Ruth I’m thinking of you ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m thankful for my pj bottoms making me feel so comfy

    Life really feels like it’s starting right now!!!



  186.  #186Zia on April 14, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Indigo 181: Your words remind me so much of what I’ve been going through. It always feels so comforting that you’re not the only one ๐Ÿ™‚



  187.  #187Smile on April 14, 2013 at 12:44 am

    Indigo @ 77
    thank you!!
    I’m back to feeling all warm and squishy now ๐Ÿ™‚



  188.  #188Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 1:21 am

    Hahaha. Lovely ladies. I just had a lovely evening.

    Today, my dancingCD took time off from what was apparently an impending work deadline to meet with me and go for a walk. Yay! We went up to a park on a hill. It was windy. And then had lunch. We made out in the train station before he had to go home. Teehee : )

    Then, I has a birthday dinner for a girlfriend. It was awesome to connect with friends, and just relax and have a good time. And I finally made some money this week, so I wasn’t stressed about the bill. Also yay!

    After that, I went out dancing, which cost me almost nothing. In fact, I left with more money than I came in with! Lol. It was a sort of quasi-date. A. had asked if I was going to be there. And he was going. I also went and met my friends. But we danced together, and I decided not to feel guilty. He’s a great guy, but I still don’t see him as really wanting a relationship. So I don’t take it that way. I just have fun and let him buy me drinks. Also, on the way out, he handed me $20 for a cab. So, considering I spent $4 on the coat room, $0 on drink, $0 to get in, and $8 on cab, I came up $8 in the black. Notch bad night ; ) that means I only spent $22 overall, considering I spent $30 on the birthday dinner. Sweet!

    Oh…and while I was out dancing, my cute Chicago boy texted me. Lol. I haven’t heard from him in ages! I waited to text him till I got home. 3 Indian men in one day. And I kissed two of them!!



  189.  #189Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 1:29 am

    Please excuse the random typos…

    I am not making my mind up about anyone, but dancingCD is impressing me a lot. In some ways, he’s the most boring. But boring is good, right? He’s just doing a lot of good things. Even though he doesn’t text or call every day, I know that he’s thinking of me. And he goes out of his way for me and says I am “special.” He’s also really punctual and shows up when he says he will. He only cancelled at the last minute once, and he totally made up for it. I’m impressed. He’s a cutie. I wish I could spend more time with him. But it’s okay. I’ve got other stuff I can do… : )

    ((((Me))))



  190.  #190Smile on April 14, 2013 at 3:06 am

    I’m craving juicy fruit and heathy food!
    feeling fresh ๐Ÿ™‚



  191.  #191Femininewoman on April 14, 2013 at 4:25 am

    I can only imagine how you feel Turquoise about losing your mother. The rest of your life sound like a fairy tale come through though.



  192.  #192Femininewoman on April 14, 2013 at 4:34 am

    prplpsn – I dunno the vibe in your words feel demanding and closed for the most part to me. You say you are done but how many of the tools do you use, what programs do you have.

    For me it says a lot that the guy showed up. He didn’t have to. He was likely responding to the emotions he was feeling coming from you at him. I believe the inner work is extremely important and it seems you have not started that yet. If you have I encourage you to write about it. People on here will help you. Whatever is going on inside you is what is showing up in front of you. Maybe being done to focus on your insides will do you a lot of good rather than focusing on getting attention from a man.



  193.  #193Zia on April 14, 2013 at 5:04 am

    I am trying very hard to focus on the fact that the way my last relationship ended is the reason I am here, and all these tools are what I have been seeking for years.

    Today, I feel less affected by his words. It still feels difficult to be in a position where I’ve been accused of something I didn’t do, and to actually doubt myself and feel like I’m the reason the relationship failed… But less than what I might have done before. Before this, I probably would have continued to blame myself, and chase him, and try and convince him that I didn’t do what he said etc etc. But now, I won’t say a thing to him. I feel stronger just by doing nothing.



  194.  #194Vi on April 14, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Hehe I did smth new.. and one part of me feels scared and jittery while another part feels super good about herself.. ๐Ÿ™‚



  195.  #195Lisa on April 14, 2013 at 6:09 am

    @Dominique Thanks so much for letting me know. I’ll look at your site. Thanks for sharing your story. I went out with him yesterday afternoon we went biking and dinner. I leaned back and didn’t respond the way I usually do, watched my controlling signals and was a little more quiet. He started to ask more questions. He even ask me twice “what are you thinking”. It was our 3mos. anniversary and he texted me earlier in the day to say Happy Anniversary Honey! I love you! I have an amazing man. I know it. I’m working on Rori’s techniques to turn myself around… and be a more whole and loving woman. I even found myself thinking of getting a ring, and I imagined myself backing away from him, even though he was holding me tight. It really helped me to not cling to “marriage” and be in the moment. He accidentally hurt my arm last night and it popped loudly, it hurt! I cried ( instead of saying I’m ok) I felt it, and he was sooo wonderful. So present with me. He then said “Honey it would just kill me if something happened to you” I think your right, he might just be being interested in me in his own way. Not my way. I do need to work on opening up to him more and sharing…. I have to say that I’ve done lots of work on myself the past 20 years after being almost beaten to death by my ex husband. I’ve come a long way. With Rori’s techniques and her way of explaining things, I’ve found that I still have more work to do and that is inspiring. And I have an amazing man to practice on. Blessings!



  196.  #196Smile on April 14, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Why why why is strummingman in contact asking if I’m ok?
    I’m not going to reply!!!!



  197.  #197Smile on April 14, 2013 at 7:10 am

    I think he has seen my fb pics of me with amb. Well tuff mr… You missed out on an amazing girl!!! Snooze you lose! I’m gone!



  198.  #198Smile on April 14, 2013 at 7:23 am

    Grrr so angry at him!!!



  199.  #199prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 8:02 am

    FW 192…I know your right about the vibe. Ugh! How do I fix this? Can it be fixed? I’m not even sure I will hear from him. He said he didnt want to discuss it last night that he would text me today. But I doubt he will. He doesn’t seem to like confrontation. It’s all a long story. Other things came up in texting after he left. One of them being trust. I was with my brother last night on our way to another venue. We happened to go by H’s house. He lives on a main street and that happens to be the best route to get to where we were going. I sent him a text that said “hey…Are u home? We just went by your house on our way to …..” He then accuses me of checkn up on him and says that’s ok I came by your house last night too to see if u were home too. I said “really?! I wasn’t checken on u. I trust u. Apparently u don’t trust me.” That was the end. He stopped texting. But really? I think we are too old for games and he has even said that to my face. But seems he likes to play them. Oh boy! I’m venting. Feels good to get it out. Would really appreciate any help. Any script? I don’t yet have that program. I only have Modern Siren and the ebook. I’m currently unemployed and need to watch spending. Thanks.



  200.  #200Starbright on April 14, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Prplpsn28,

    I would suggest sharing feelings…
    It did sound like you were checking on him when I read your text. Just letting him know you went past his house and asking if he was home.
    Then accusing him of not trusting you when you trust him. Hmmm

    If you feel like he is game playing… it sounds like both of you are doing something similar in this situation.

    Feeling messages can clear the air.

    It can help to try turning around the words you used and asking yourself how it would feel if he said to you: “I wasn’t checken on u. I trust u. Apparently u don’t trust me.”

    I think the only difference is who is using the word “checkn” and when it is used.

    Each are blaming each other and being defensive and need to turn that around.

    Drop down into your feelings. Write out some scripts. Try them out here and you can get some feedback.

    Wishing you the best!



  201.  #201Smile on April 14, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Now I feel pity for him. Ug that doesn’t feel good.
    Just want to acknowledge my feelings by writing them down.



  202.  #202prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Starbright…Thanks for your feedback. In hindsight I realize how it sounded. Honestly, truly it wasn’t meant that way. I wasn’t checking up on him. I DO trust him.I didn’t mean anything by it. I wasn’t sure if his plan was to come back out hence the question “are you home?” and informing him that we were on our way to another venue. My bad! I want to turn this around. Can I go to him and explain and apologize? Or do I wait for him to initiate contact? As I’ve said many times previously I am a work in progress. Need to focus more on the things he does do that make me feel good.



  203.  #203Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Hi sirens I need an opinion… Do you think it’s tacky to take leftovers home from a dinner date if your date suggests it and insists?



  204.  #204ALA on April 14, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I feel humored and empathy for some of the guys that are contacting me on pof. Like there’s this totally backwoods, hermit type guy, that’s way too far away. He would have to be “mega hot” for me to put in the effort needed to compensate for the distance. I feel no attraction to him, yet I feel compassion for his loneliness, isolation and wanting companionship.

    What do I say to these guys? I feel torn between not responding at all or do I just reply with a quick hello. I dont want to lead them on in any way.

    Sitting here thinking about it… do what’s best for ALA. They are just strangers that dont have MY best interest in mind. Could be my co-dependant, overfuncioning nature rearing its ugly head, and not compassionate feelings at all.

    Yay! I feel good to notice these feelings. Sooo many feelings to choose from and It’s good that I choose ME this time!

    I feel embarrassed to “Submit Comment” because it feels like the blog lately is focused on ‘one guy’ and not the internal process we go through, working on ourselves. I’m just in a different place.

    It’s ok ((( ALA ))) Love to me.



  205.  #205Smile on April 14, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Emerson… Do you want to?
    I might if I enjoyed it a lot and would eat it. I’ve never done this before though.
    Or I might say thank you but I don’t feel comfy taking it…
    How do you feel about it? What ate your thoughts?



  206.  #206Femininewoman on April 14, 2013 at 11:54 am

    RE 202 prplpsn ask youraself if you really wanted to know if he was home and why. I am thinking you mite have wanted to share that you were passing his house. I would say focus on chosing your words so you make them about you.



  207.  #207Femininewoman on April 14, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Emerson I am curious to know if you feel judgemental of him because of some vibe he was giving off



  208.  #208Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    I was going to say – along with the ‘boring’ part and the discussion about guys asking questions about us… I was actually thinking that I really appreciate that dancingCD doesnt ask a lot of direct questions. Sometimes I find them off-putting, or it makes me feel like I’m under a spotlight or being interrogated. I really like the sense of freedom to be able to reveal myself, little by little, as I want.

    For example, yesterday, I revealed to him that I was engaged before. It’s always a tricky thing to bring this up. But I put it in the context of the discussion. And I did it in such a way that I didn’t attach any feelings of shame or failure to it. It was simply what happened. And I really can’t know what he will think of it. And I chose to put a positive spin on it – I had a lot to learn about myself, and my experience gave me that opportunity. I was young and not yet ready. Those things are true. And having the relationship – and leaving it – meant other good things for my life. It’s true that I recognized at the time – even though I didn’t know why – that it wasn’t right for me, and I followed that. I trusted myself, even though it was hard. Now I know more about myself, more about men, more about relationships.

    I decided not to judge myself, and I couldn’t feel him judging me, either. In fact, it was after that discussion over lunch that he pulled me to him and started making out with me in the train station. He’s so cute.

    And A is on fire as well. He’s still the same guy, but in some ways, it is like going out with a whole new man. Very interesting. I can’t quite explain it. He’s always been a good guy, it’s just even more fun to hang out with him now. He seems more open, available, ‘accessible.’ I’m not attaching any meaning to it, I’m just observing and it’s interesting…



  209.  #209Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Yesterday, I did catch myself asking him some questions. It was mainly out of curiosity. And I know that guys do like it when we get curious about them. But when I realized I was leading the discussion, I just stopped. I got back to the present moment by noticing my surroundings – we were on a little inner-city hike in a park area. I felt the air and looked at the path we were walking on. I felt any tension drop, and I let go of any need to continue talking or any expectation that he would, either.

    I wish I could tell you that something amazing happened right then, but it wasn’t so dramatic. We continued walking, and he did pick up the conversation. For me it was more about the practice of not leading in the conversation, and letting him be present, too, instead of me trying to get a static picture of “who he is.” people are changing all the time. As with A. As with myself. It’s good to stay present…



  210.  #210Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Feeling sireny today…my man is out and about doing his manly things, while I continue to play on my island : )

    Best is not to think about him or when he’ll be back. Best is not to contact him and not sit around waiting either. Best is to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. As Rori says in her Modern Siren program, we sirens should imagine ourselves in a meadow, playing and singing, feeling the sun on our faces and just being…not doing for a man. Oooh that feels good! I think I’m going to go out for a coffee (date myself) and then paint my toenails hot pink!!! Anyone else doing fun stuff for themselves today?

    Kristine



  211.  #211Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Emerson,

    If a man offers you food, even leftovers to take home from a dinner date (which hopefully he paid for or cooked for you), I would see it as him wanting to provide for you. Its not tacky. It’s manly. Remember, all men want to give to the woman. It may not be what you want to receive, but don’t reject his giving unless its something really awful that makes you feel bad. I would just say thank you and appreciate whatever he gives.

    Kristine



  212.  #212Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Emerson – did you mean taking his leftovers or yours? Taking your own seems like no big deal. But that’s in th US. If you are in the UK or Europe, there are different social cues.

    I would say this: if he is offering you his leftovers, and he’s insisting, then he’s offering to provide for you. Unless it’s food that you really don’t want, then it might make him feel good if you accept it.

    I’ve done this before. I took my leftovers, and he offered me his as well. I could have felt like a “charity case.” but I chose, instead, to look at it as him caring for me and wanting to be well-fed. This makes me feel good even to think about it now. And I thought of it every time I ate the leftovers. It was like the date lasted for several days longer : )

    What do you think? Are there more details to the story?



  213.  #213prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    Ever have one of those moments when you wish you could have a redo? I am now. In hindsight I wish I had handled things much differently last night. But…can’t go back. Ugh! Hope things will be ok. I really want to be with H. Haven’t heard from him at all yet today. Feeling sad, anxious, disappointed.



  214.  #214Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Haha – ditto Kristine! ; )

    ALA – I would pay attention to your gut. And yes, what sometimes feels like “compassion” can be a codependent urge to “care-take” for another person, where we take on responsibility for their feelings, and I would pay attention to that, too. CoDA (co dependents anonymous) can be immensely helpful with learning to discern about this.

    If he’s a hermit guy in the woods, that raises all kinds of potential red flags for me. You are NOT responsible for his feeling lonely. He is. Because he chose to live there. And why? It sounds scary to me. “mega hot” should have nothing to do with it, unless it comes after “mega trust.” do you trust him enough to go to him in a remote location? I would say, as a general rule, you can’t trust ANYONE that much. For him to build trust, he would need to come to you first. And if he’s not doing that, then that seems like a pretty good sign that he won’t be worth your time or energy – or safety.



  215.  #215Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    My man just called to ask if I need anything. Now that’s the kind of guy you want to look out for! A good man who wants to do stuff for you, like pick up some groceries that you may have run out of.

    Always keep an eye out for any man who asks you if you need anything…they care about you. And don’t be afraid to tell them what you want. It makes them feel good to be of service. By investing their time and energy in you they fall in love because they know they can please you.



  216.  #216Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    ALA,

    Wow, you’re doing great in observing yourself and your thought processes with online dating! I wouldn’t worry about what men think or feel. It’s not your job to worry about them or feel sorry for them. It should be the other way around…them thinking and worrying about you and how you feel!

    As for hermits or long-distance types, I would just ignore any contact. They are not good options for a real relationship. If you REALLY want a healthy, good relationship, just respond back to men who appear normal and living not too far from you.

    You need to take time to get to know them. If they only communicate electronically or from far far away, there is no way you can ever really get to know them and have a real relationship.

    Healthy men will want to take you out for coffee and get to know you in person. They come around. Be patient. Just keep smiling and putting yourself out there.

    The details you put on your POF (or other dating site) profile is not that important. It’s your smile, your openness, your simply being comfortable as a woman, willing to receive. You have to build into your mindset that it is ok to choose between different suitors. You don’t have to feel guilty for rejecting or not responding to men. It is our right as women to choose. Also, men don’t take rejection the same way as women do. Most of them flirting online don’t care less. They are just happy if someone gives them a response.

    I had one instance of an online suitor getting offended and verbally abusive when I failed to respond to his email. That was a BIG red flag and I promptly blocked him…

    It rarely happens though and is nothing to be afraid of. Online dating is safe when you take it slowly and cautiously, screening out the people contacting you. Start by eliminating all contacts who seem weird or geographically distant. Then, let the others communicate with you and don’t be afraid to ask them questions, so that you can get to know them. Let them ask you out.

    Love takes time…it cannot be rushed.

    Kristine



  217.  #217Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    And when selecting a good person to date, looks or “hotness” should NOT be the criteria. The key is to look for a man who wants to invest time and energy into you and the relationship…who is willing to do stuff for you, come out to meet you in person, who cares about people other than himself.

    You have to go out on a few dates to learn about their character. It cannot be figured out via text or email, nor from their words. You have to observe his ACTIONS. How does he treat the waiter or his close relatives? How does he treat strangers he meets? What activities is he interested in outside of work? Does he do any volunteering or helping others, e.g. friends needing a new fence built, his mom needing a ride to the airport, or stuff like that. Is he giving of his time and energy?

    You have to go out with lots of guys to see the differences. Some are all talk and no action. Some criticize everyone. Some have anger issues or road rage. Some are flakey and don’t show up on time, thereby not valuing other people’s time. Some never call. But don’t get discouraged. Once you see these problems, you are well on your way to meeting Mr. Right.

    There are lots of good guys out there. Good men, who are brothers, fathers, cousins, sons, of good people and who care about women. Get to know THEM. They may not have all the same interests as you, or meet your financial criteria or your looks criteria, but they are GOOD men. The more you attract and are open to meeting good men in your life, the more likely you will find the one that does meet all your criteria – including being “hot”. Start small with dating a few that may not have everything you want on your list, but who are GOOD men.

    Kristine



  218.  #218Elsie on April 14, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    @Kristine – Exactly. A man who wants to PROVIDE for you is showing you he loves you. Men dont use words to tell us they love us – they really do SHOW it. Give them opportunities to SHOW how they can PROVIDE. It works wonders. All you have to say is “Can you help me?.” and their answer is always “Yes, what?” Its in a mans nature. ๐Ÿ™‚



  219.  #219Lisa on April 14, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Online dating, it was useful to use Rori’s tools. I leaned back even with online dating. If they e-mail me a day after I responded to their initial e-mail, then I wait a day to respond to them. (I rarely ever responded to texts. I didn’t want to set up a text dating situation where they communicated with me via text mostly.) If they wanted to talk to me, they call, or I moved on. I could tell so much from their e-mails. I almost had them summed up by the time we met. I dated like 54 men before I met M. That was 99.9% all just first dates. If you give men space they tell you a lot about them if your open and being in the moment. I am in control with online dating, meaning they meet me where I feel comfortable and safe. I set the boundaries and stay with them. I even went out with men that I didn’t find very attractive b/c each one of them was an opportunity for me to grow and practice. And say No! and I learned to do it in a kind way. Almost everyone of them felt respected even though I wasn’t interested. Some of them even thanked me for being respectful b/c some women seemed rude and mean when rejecting them. I wasn’t responsible for their feelings, but I also wanted to be respectful, and it was good practice. And I also knew that even a man I don’t find attractive initially, could end up being something amazing. I went anyway. It kept me dating several men at one time. Kept me available and not attached to one man. I knew if one didn’t work out, I had many more interested. It felt empowering. It also gave me an opportunity to stay in the mode of “let me see if he works for me” instead of ‘oh I hope he likes me” mode.



  220.  #220nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Hey ladies….hope everyone is doing well. So I haven’t heard anything from M since our break up, well since a few days after when we bumped into each other actually. I’m doing great. Maybe because I’ve had distractions? I was talking to XM until about a week ago. I went out w friends to where he works (its a huge place I only saw him once for a second) anyway I met another guy that night and gave him my number (he will be S) we text through out a the week and we went out last night. Really great date, he was very good looking, very funny, we talked a lot, he was a gentelman (0opening doors, paying, etc) and GREAT kiss when he brought me home. He even text me after he droped me off and said “thank you”, we shared a few texts then nothing till about an hour ago. Not a bad amount of time to go w out contact, I mean it was our first date! But the text felt weird, it was like “sorry I’m not texing till now…”then basically a list of everything he’s done since our date to explain why I hadn’t heard from him yet. I really didn’t know how to respond because he didn’t need to expain himself to me. ANyway we only shared a few texts then he said he was heading out to meet friends. I said “enjoy your night” hoping to have the final word so ball was in his court to text or call tomorrow or whenever….but of course he texts back “you too” lol….well that back fired. I liked him, but I just suck at this stage of things….do I just not contact him again and see if he does? I assume so. He said he wanted to go out again…..I just wish there were no games in this dating world and things were black and white.



  221.  #221Zia on April 14, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    nme008: i recall something in the tools about just allowing the man to have the last word… he sounds very keen so if it were me i’d leave it and wait for him to contact you again (it sounds like he will!)



  222.  #222Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Prplprsn28,

    I know its hard to wait when you really want something or someone…but you must be strong girl!

    NO TEXTING MEN. Solves all problems. They have your phone number and can call. They know where to find you if they want you. Sit on your hands and DO nothing. It’s hard, it’s painful, but you have to stop chasing men.

    Believe in yourself. Believe that you are the Goddess and the men will be drawn to you. Focus on yourself. Feel your feelings of sadness, but don’t dwell on them. Start doing things for yourself that make you happy…that get you out of your slump. Go out for a walk. Go to the market and look at some nice colourful flowers or foods. Smile at everyone you meet along the way. Talk and text your girlfriends. Go see a movie. Get some exercise. Do real things.

    The reason you feel so bad is because you are living in a fantasy, and the fantasy is showing the truth that it is not real. Its not meeting your expectations. He is not real. He is not your boyfriend. You made a mistake and that’s ok. You learned from it. He is acting like an unavailable person. Unavailable to you for a real relationship. That is the reality and you have to accept it. So leave him be. There is nothing to discuss. No feelings to share at this point. Nothing to be handled. Just keep moving on and growing in your Goddessy way.

    Kristine



  223.  #223nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Zia,

    I’m hoping he will. I mean its not like I have much invested, I really just met him. But he was really nice…I was impressed with him a lot. He picked me up, we drove to the city, walked around, had dinner and then went to a comedy show. So fun! I just want to start off the right way you know?

    I remember from when I did the whole online dating thing hating when a guy wanted to text/talk for awhile before meeting….its like you can have good conversation but mot click in person. Then its a waste of time. But I clicked both in convo and person with S.

    I hope this doesn’t make me come off full of myself but I’ve seriously never gone on a date with someone liked him and been unsure of him being into me afterwards….maybe its because I’m so fresh out of a relationship with M and he was the one that ended it?

    I feel insecure and that is soooo not me!



  224.  #224prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    @ Kristine…your saying there is no hope with H, move on? Even after 19 mos.? I think it was a bad vibe set off by me that needs to be turned around somehow. Which I’ve heard on here can be done. I’m still figuring out how to use feeling msgs. Among other things.



  225.  #225nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    I am thinking I might attract a certain type of man lol….both M and S had no father figure growing up. Raised by women…but unlike M, S told me (remember first date!!!) That he wants to be in a relationship, he likes that life style and securiy. He wants to be married again and he wants a family. Now I know he’s not saying he wants it w me, lol!!!! That would be creepy on a first date but we both want that same thing. I like that. If you know me much from here I’ve said I don’t like to CD, I prefer one man at a time.



  226.  #226Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Prplpsn28,

    Sorry, I didn’t notice that you had been “together” for a number of months. Not sure what that means. Did he ask for exclusivity? Does he see you (and introduce you) as his girlfriend?

    Regardless, his distancing behaviour is not typical of a good boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to text him to find him or keep in touch with him. If you feel uncomfortable when he comes over to your place after being non-responsive or absent, then you should express that in feeling messages. But only if and when he comes to find you.

    In the meantime, if you are not in an exclusive relationship that he asked for, you should continue to flirt and date others. If you are in an exclusive relationship with him which he asked for, you have to express your feeling messages of unhappiness or rejection, and then tell him you want to start seeing other people, before you start dating others.

    If you think you are exclusive, but he never asked you to be, you are NOT in a relationship.

    You also have to realize that men are not women. They don’t ask women to come with them to watch them play or do stuff together all the time. Men need to be alone sometimes and need to be with other men, like playing hockey or fishing. Thinking he should have asked you to join him, is your opinion, but its not the type of guy he is. You have to let him go. You cannot change him. You also have to feel secure enough in yourself to let a man be who he is. If he is not attentive enough for you, you need to find another man who is. Nothing wrong with that.

    Kristine



  227.  #227prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    nme008…sounds like things are going good for you. I’m not really into the whole CD thing either. Prefer one at a time also.



  228.  #228nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    Prplpsn28- Thanks, trying to have a positive out look….after a lot of failed attempts it gets hard to not assume the worst all the time.

    I read your first post when you came on the board but I haven’t been on much since. I am interested in how things have changed if at all. I’ll have to go back and catch up.



  229.  #229prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Kristine…appreciate the feedback. I do understand that they need their time I.e. hockey. We were supposed to meet after hockey but the eve got messed up. All misunderstanding. As far as being exclusive, unfortunetly he hasn’t mentioned it ๐Ÿ™ I have heard on here tho that it doesn’t always necessarily have to be mentioned to be so. I’ve had people who know him tell me that they believe that in his head we are exclusive. And he has told me in a face to face conversation that he will absolutely never date more then one woman at a time. I have also been to a few of his family holiday gatherings and have met his friends. Does any of that count for anything? I know no one can ever be 100% sure.



  230.  #230prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    nme008…still a work in progress. I’m a newby.I feel the same as you about it being hard not to think the worse of things. This is the longest I’ve seen someone since my divorce 5 yrs ago. And still unsure. Ugh!



  231.  #231Starbright on April 14, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    prplpsn,

    First of all – don’t beat yourself up. We are all works in progress!

    Rori teaches how if he hasn’t asked us to be exclusive that we ought to assume we are not.

    It’s okay to talk about what you want. Especially if you say it in a way of what you want, such as ultimately wanting an exclusive relationship or marriage if that is indeed what you want.

    Clarity, sharing of feelings, saying what you want and don’t want without blame, shame, etc. All of those will get you closer to what you want with this guy or another.

    Again, we are all learning, give yourself a break and start using Rori’s tools and keep asking questions!



  232.  #232prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Starbright…thanks! Will do. Just have a hard time forming things into FM’s and scripts that won’t send him running lol



  233.  #233Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    nme008,

    Good for you in going out on a date and having fun while distracting yourself from M. But please try not to text men, unless it is in response to them asking you for a date or to contact them. Even then, I would simply state “I prefer to talk on the phone” and then not say any more. If he’s really interested, he will call. If he cannot call you in person, how can you expect him to ever become a good husband, or even boyfriend?

    I used to get loads of texts. Texting is the easy way out for a man. They don’t have to feel the fear of calling up a woman. They don’t have to experience a real relationship. They don’t fall in love with you via texting. Its also a waste of your time. Most men’s texts are just talking about themselves and they get a big ego stroke if you respond. They get tons of women texting them…and believe me they don’t love those women. They just love the attention.
    You are a Goddess and a Goddess doesn’t need to text. A Goddess attracts men. They chase her. They try to get HER attention. They do stuff for her. Men want to see her and be with her.

    Setting a NO TEXT rule for myself has worked for me to weed out the men who are not interested in a real relationship. A real relationship requires face time and voice contact. A few emails in the beginning of meeting someone online is ok, but it should quickly progress to an exchange of phone numbers and telephone calls.

    Modern technology has made it very hard for women to maintain their mystery and attractiveness. We women are shooting ourselves in the foot by texting or emailing men. Just for their scraps of attention…

    Kristine



  234.  #234prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    Of course I have on two occasions just come right out and asked him “hey where do things stand with us” and he didn’t really clarify things but it didn’t send him running either.



  235.  #235blue rose on April 14, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I joined meetup and really like it. I went to a group that likes the same TV show I do and we watched it at someone’s home.

    One of the guys sitting near me, who is funny but I don’t find attractive, got me to touch his wrist – he has a scar there.

    then he noticed the zipper on the ankles of my jeans. he started playing with it – I said he won’t see any skin because the socks go up to my knee.

    he then tried to get me to touch his scar again, and I said “no. you’re in time out”. and I was joking and laughing the whole time.

    the other people at the gathering teased him about trying to unzip my jeans.

    my question is this: was I harsh with him? I did feel a little uncomfortable – not because he was crossing a line. But because I know it was superficially a joke – he has some attraction to me.

    Any ideas if this comes up again? It is so hard when I have “arrows” coming at me in front of other people.

    I’m one of the new people in the group.



  236.  #236Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    Prplpsn28,

    I totally understand why you feel bad. In your mind, you see yourselves as in an exclusive relationship. Its a fantasy that isn’t real…sorry. I know its hard to hear, but taking you to a wedding, or meet his family, or on a trip, or to his grandmother’s funeral, or whatever (I’ve seen them all) does not make you his girlfriend. Just a buddy. And if you have chosen to have sex with him before being in an exclusive relationship, you are letting yourself be used. He gets all the benefits without the obligations of a real relationship…and you get…disappointment, sadness, not the love and affection you deserve.

    As for a script, I would simply state, next time he does contact you, “I feel sad” or “I feel angry” or whatever it is that you are feeling (not thinking). He’ll probably ask why? Then say what you want. “I want to be in an exclusive relationship”. And don’t forget to add the critical “What do you think?”. Then just listen….say nothing more and really truly listen to what he has to say. If he says stuff like I’m not ready, then hear him. If he says we are in an exclusive relationship, then say “that makes me feel happy” and repeat your feelings. “I felt sad because I didn’t see you yesterday. I missed you.” This puts the focus on you and your feelings and not on blaming him. Its expressing your soft vulnerability. Its not saying he did anything wrong.

    Kristine



  237.  #237Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Prplpsn28,

    If he responds to your asking for an exclusive relationship that he is unsure, or that you are not in an exclusive relationship…get yourself out of there. After 19 months, he should know.

    Kristine



  238.  #238Olivia on April 14, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Sirens —

    Looking for help!

    Bf does a radio show with friends and invites various guests. 2 or 3 times, one of the guests has been his recent ex-gf. He didn’t tell me who she was, but I had a suspicion after hearing her a few times. When asked, he said it was the ex-gf, and I simply sank into my feelings and he was all over me in a loving way and I melted into him and left it at that. He told me about why they broke up, and how happy he is with me, etc. etc.

    I am not threatened by her. I am not worried he will get involved with her. However, last week she was on the show again and I get SO ANGRY listening to her voice, this woman he’s had sex with in the very apartment they record the show!

    I am angry he didn’t bring it up with me first -i.e., “Hey my ex is going to be on the show. Just letting you know.” I feel like he is a coward and doesn’t want to hear what I have to say and is playing ‘chicken’ with me to see if I’ll bring it up.

    My feeling message would be weird. It would basically be:

    “I have been working so hard on practicing expressing my feelings… I feel so jealous when I hear her voice on the show. It makes me feel nauseous and sort of stupid/weird. What do you think?”

    What I want to say is: “You know you are being a shit and that this bothers me!”

    I don’t want to TELL him what to do or that I have a boundary rule of no friends with exes. I am friends with one of my ex’es and treasure keeping in touch with him.

    I feel worried that I stay in touch with this ex, who carries the torch for me, to feel safe from intimacy with current bf.

    I feel skeptical of the power of jealousy and letting it grip me. We are all attracted to many people. Look at me, CD-ing all over the place.

    I feel proud that he flirts a bit with other women and then comes home to me and loves all over me like he never has with any other woman.

    I feel the need to take care of the “me” that stuffs my feelings down, including this jealousy.

    This “question” is a mess of contradictory emotions, but thoughts appreciated….



  239.  #239Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Blue Rose,

    You have every right to feel uncomfortable about a man touching you, whom you hardly know. And you should express that. He was violating your boundaries! That’s why it felt weird to you. You were not harsh with him. His making you touch his arm, were not “arrows” of love coming at you as Rori calls them, they were his attempts to GET what he wants. Arrows of love and attention, is when a man GIVES to you. When a man wants to make YOU happy. This guy was TAKING from you…by touching you, by feeling you, he was getting an ego stroke in front of everyone else because you didn’t stop him and you joked about it. Why did you feel the need to joke about it? Your body is no joke. There is nothing wrong with saying “no, please don’t touch me”. Its not being mean or disrespectful. Its not turning away his arrows. Those were not arrows of love…

    If you really want to be in a healthy relationship with a guy, don’t let his physical advances lure you into believing he is interested in you. You just met this guy and he doesn’t know you. And you don’t know him. He’s already trying to get his hands in your pants?? The alarm bells should be going off! That says alot about his character, when he’s making moves on you so fast. If he doesn’t value you enough to ask you out on a real date and get to know you as a person and if he only sees you as a physical play toy, do you want to be with him? And if he does this with every other pretty girl he meets, would that feel good to you?

    You are a valuable person and deserve respect. You have to learn to express how you feel and what you want and don’t want. Don’t be afraid to use the word “no” to express what you don’t want.

    Kristine



  240.  #240Kristine on April 14, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Olivia,

    You are doing great in rehearsing your feeling messages. I just wouldn’t tell him that “I have been working so hard on practicing expressing my feelings”. That’s not part of Rori’s approach. You don’t have to explain yourself or why you are having feelings. You just feel them and express them. Maybe you also feel scared…state that.

    And the one statement you left out, before asking him what he thinks, is what YOU WANT (or don’t want), without telling him what to do. E.g. “I don’t want her to be on your show.” Then ask what he thinks…and listen to him. Keep expressing your feelings and listening. If he says “oh you’re being silly”, repeat how you feel. Let it sink in. Its up to him to find a solution and if it doesn’t work for you, you have every right to walk away and find your happiness with someone who doesn’t make you feel so jealous or take your feelings so lightly.

    Rori also has some great articles on the Blog (look under the directory) about jealousy and dealing with other women, that might be helpful.

    Kristine



  241.  #241Dominique on April 14, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    Emerson – 203. No absolutely not. I LOVE leftovers, and to me wasting them, well wasteful. I say yes, take them home, especially if he insists.

    xxoo



  242.  #242Dominique on April 14, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    prplpsn28 – what was said has been said; what was done has been done. you cannot take it back, and there are no do overs. if you truly did something you feel badly about, eg. losing your temper without justification, picking on him, nagging at him, jumping to assumptions, and so on, apologies are a good way to go, simply and cleanly, no gushing.

    yet I see nothing here which merits one. I see you filling with anxiety, gremlins hard at work in your head.

    If this is the right man for you, you cannot say or do much of anything which will drive him away unless it continuous, i.e constant drama or totally heinous.

    Try to relax. Try to take care of you in the best way you can. Try to make yourself feel better even if only a little bit. AND please, please try to stop this fretting. Get your focus OFF of him.

    xxoo



  243.  #243prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Thanks Dominique



  244.  #244prplpsn28 on April 14, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Thanks Kristine and Starbright too



  245.  #245nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Kristine,

    Thank you for your advice. While I do like to talk on the phone I don’t mind texting. I like to converse more then just to make plans and as I have kids and am constantly going texting works. It’s like sporadic conversations through out the day lol. Works for me and whoever I’m with. As long as we still speak its good.



  246.  #246Olivia on April 14, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    @Kristine …Thanks for input!

    I feel confused by all my conflicting feelings.

    Feeling messages are supposed to be non-confusing and straight forward.



  247.  #247nme008 on April 14, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Question for all,

    I’ve always been a very out spoken, get what I want type of person. Not submissive at all. So I’ve been trying to lean back and be more in feminine energy….but what happens when there is fin banter going back and forth and something I said was taken serious instead of joking….and so I was told I’m aggressive, and he likes it. Now I wasn’t trying to be aggressive with him but my true nature is to be….and he says he likes that…..stick w all the leaning back and all still? How can you be in feminine energy but still aggressive? Or is it not possible?



  248.  #248Olivia on April 14, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    Nme – I think I can relate because I can be pretty funny and shine in witty banter situations…not sure if this relates to your situation exactly but here goes. feel free to share more of the context.

    What I have done is toned it down and been in lean back mode with better *listening* to the banter, and what happens is when the time is right to join in and say something (and i go with my feminine intuitive side on that) my funny/pithy/whatever comment gets more joyful laughs from my man or whoever b/c it comes from this feminine, leaning back place and good intuition about what will amuse everyone and not be just some throwaway comment to say at someone else’s expense.

    i still struggle with being mindful that this need to ‘perform’ is not necessary to get love from friends/men/etc.

    it was actually after one evening of feeling disgusted with myself like i had overpowered someone else’s voice at a dinner party with my man, and been in performance mode that got me on this online search that led me to learning about Rori.



  249.  #249ALA on April 14, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Hi nme – my experience is that lazy men like women to be aggressive, in other words, do all the work. Just find a balance between feminine and flirty that works for you.

    Really nice to come back and see all the flurry of posts today!

    Tereana & Kristine -Thanks so much for your invaluble insights!

    A guy that I’m not initially attracted to sent me a virtual bouquet of tulips today! ๐Ÿ™‚



  250.  #250Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you sirens for your feedback about dinner leftovers lol….
    I felt fine with it, I took leftovers home from a first date. He was sweet and insisting I take it and even carried the bag as we strolled around town. I brought it to work the next day and felt cared for and had a nice memory of our date..

    The only reason I asked was I heard a man say it was bad if a woman takes home leftovers from a date… Not sure what that is about?



  251.  #251Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    I’m hanging on and letting to of so many things. I feel so on edge, there is a moon eclipse soon..maybe that’s why I’ve felt anxiety and sort of like an adrenaline in a negative way …. I am processing alot of anger and guilt and forgiving myself.
    I know WHY I made some bad decisions it was always due to seeking emotional safety ….
    I need to rise above and change … It’s very hard to change.



  252.  #252Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Sometimes I think about moving to Florida. Just for a change.



  253.  #253Starbright on April 14, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Emerson,

    I think more men feel good if you take leftovers. It means you were appreciative of him paying for you and his money and the date will keeping giving to you. Perhaps a guy wouldn’t like it if he felt you had ordered more than you could possible eat and were counting on having leftovers?

    My dates have always seemed happy unless the leftovers were going to interfere with something we were doing next and/or the weather timing wouldn’t work with having food in the car.



  254.  #254ALA on April 14, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    ((( Emerson )))



  255.  #255Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks ALA and starbright!!



  256.  #256Emerson on April 14, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    I feel lately so strange about how men can be so hot and cold..?
    They will be so into me then “”poof””



  257.  #257Janie baby on April 14, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    I can’t stop crying. I feel so upset. He was supposed to come over tonight. I call him 20 minutes ago after I get home. No answer. I call over and over. No answer. Finally he calls back after 10 minutes to say he missed his flight and he’s okay.I got pissed because I was crying and imaginging the worse possible scenario. I know it’s my fault for worrying so much, but I was upset that he didn’t give me a heads up that he missed his flight. I was worried sick that he overdosed in Vegas or something. And I’m pissed off that he’s not responsible to make his flight to come see me. I feel insecure that he had so much fun there that he forgot about making his flight on time to see me. Don’t know how to proceed. I love him but I don’t know if I wnna go through feeling so worried for someone He was so shocked that I was crying but I can’t handle it. I can’t handle it right now. I cant stop crying and I don’t even know why I’m crying. I feel so out of control. I feel so scared. I feel so worried. I feel like I can’t trust him. I feel scared. What do I do? What do I even say ?



  258.  #258Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    What is it with me and the cute Indian boys??? (men;) there is another one on the train. He has such a nice smile… Gah! : )



  259.  #259Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Janie Baby, I wish I could say something to help you feel better. Obviously this is upsetting you very much. Just remember – a la Dominique – that this is your stuff you are crying about. Try not to blame your man. I know it’s hard, because it all feels attached to him. So just let it come out, and when he’s there with you, you can see how you feel and try to communicate. Then you’ll know more.

    (((Janie baby)))



  260.  #260Tereana on April 14, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Drama… : ( I have drama. I wish it would go away. I don’t even want my drama. I just want a nice, normal life, with a man (or woman) that might have drama now and then, as part of life, but isn’t defined by it. That would feel so nice. Like tickles on my head…



  261.  #261Vi on April 14, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    I am getting what I want and I feel so so scared. Okay fear is just a feeling after all. I love my fear. I love my discomfort. I am just adjusting. And it feels interesting. The Duckling is maturing into a beautiful swan. (((Vi))) and I am here for me.



  262.  #262Vi on April 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    No need to shut down or withdraw. Rori encourages to choose the unknown. And I can do that. It’s okay to experiment. I love my bold choices.



  263.  #263Janie baby on April 14, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Thank you so much Tereana; I always really appreciate your advice. ๐Ÿ™‚

    The only problem is I saw this too late and acted crazy. I don’t know how to remedy me acting soooo crazy. I have finally calmed down. I called him over and over again. Finally he picked up and told me he was with his friends and catching the next flight in the morning.

    I texted ” Can you help me understand what’s going on? Honestly I feel really sad about not being given a heads up. I was really worried something happened to you and then just felt pissed and disregarded. I feel like you didn’t value our time enough to be responsible and make your flight. I’m really upset. I don’t know how much I can realistically handle. ๐Ÿ™ It’s really hard being a girlfriend to someone who wants to act like they are single still. When I’m close to someone I worry about them. Then being blatantly disregarded and ignored I feel a slap in the fact although I’m sure you don’t mean to make me feel this way. I just feel so heartbroken right now and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. What do you think could help the situation?” I called him ove rand over and he responded saying I’m embarassing him in front of his friends and that we could talk tomorrow. He also said he’s tired of rying to prove to me that he loves me and that he’s a good guy. I’m so upset. I dont know whether to break up with him or not..
    I know alot of this is me and my issues, but I don’t know if maybe I’m better off single.

    I’m so sad. I don’t want to lose him. I feel like I’m doing everything in my power now though to push him away. I don’t know how to fix this mess.



  264.  #264Janie baby on April 14, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    ((Tereana)) ((Vi))



  265.  #265Zia on April 15, 2013 at 1:17 am

    Janie baby: do you have Rori’s ebook, and any of the video programs? I read the ebook first, but found that the video programs were what really helped me. My first thoughts reading your story is just STOP! Take a breath, stop everything, lean back, and just breathe.

    If you don’t already have any of the video programs then maybe something like commitment blueprint or modern siren might be worth watching before you do anything. Remember the rules and the Rori mantra, read the ebook again.

    I can literally feel your anxiety and panic because I have been there before, back in my first long term relationship.



  266.  #266Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Janie baby if you would just choose to stop nothing would need fixing. Do you know why you would want to be in a long term relationship?



  267.  #267Indigo on April 15, 2013 at 4:21 am

    Janie baby

    (((hugs to you)))

    Hate to say it, but where you are comes from not trusting yourself. And that is understandable because you are so young. But that is where your work lies.

    If you trusted yourself, would you be calling him over and over? If you trusted yourself would you be second-guessing how you feel, and asking all of us if you have done the right thing and whether you should break up with him or not?

    A woman who trusts herself trusts her feelings, communicates them, then sits back to see what he does, and then makes a decision based on what is best for her. Rather than fretting and causing herself distress.

    I hope this is helpful, but it was enormously helpful to me that these feelings of distress meant that I was giving someone else far too much power over me and my happiness.



  268.  #268Indigo on April 15, 2013 at 4:22 am

    * enormously helpful to me to realise that



  269.  #269Indigo on April 15, 2013 at 4:24 am

    Kristine,

    I’m really enjoying your posts. Maybe because it’s really what I need to hear right now.



  270.  #270Linda on April 15, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Good Monday Morning!

    THe weather has turned beautiful where I live and spring has finally made its presence known. It feels lovely and inspires hopefulness to hear the birds sing and see new green leaves emerging turning the harsh gray,brown landscape into a beautiful feast for the eyes.

    My weekend was spent with FavoriteCD. It was wonderful. I enter this week day morning feeling full and loved. Leaning back and receiving what he brings to me… is easy now and feels amazing. FavoriteCD opened up and revealed more and more of himself to me. How refreshing to spend time with a man whos heart is open, is tender and emotionally available.

    I have posted about my dissatisfaction with the phone and text communication between us. I admit that was was fueled by my need to know and feel my importance to him. After this week end, that has been answered. Not by my my bringing it up but being open and listening at level two to him. Listening and understanding opened up an opportunity for me to let him know that I feel a little excited flutter in my heart when I see a text from him or his picture light up my phone when he calls me”.and “Even when you are a miles away… the distance instantly disappears”… He had tears roll out of his piercing blue eyes and down his cheeks as he said.. “it is lonely and empty here when you go home”. No more words required, enough said. (smiling here)

    I am choosing to trust and receive this man into my life and he is choosing to trust and receive me into his. All is well.



  271.  #271nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 6:06 am

    Olivia,

    Here is a little more depth on what happened…we had met out and it was like 1am, very end of the night. He bought me a drink and I really wasn’t paying him much attention. I was dancing and having fun, meanwhile I was with a big group of friends and he started talking to all my friends asking questions about me, lol. Anyway he found out I had 3 kids that way and was shocked and kept saying stuff about it. Know if you know what happened w M you know he left because after 5 months he said he couldn’t do the kid think (in nicer words but still) So I told S that night if it was that big a deal to him not to use my number. The next day he is texting me and he asked when I would have told him, and I said I felt like that is a date convo not met at 1am convo, what should I do walk around with a sign that says 3 kids on my head??? So then we started joking about all our date convo’s building up then this is the convo where I was called agressive:

    S: “guess we have to go on a date then”
    Me: “seems so”
    S: “agressive”
    Me: “you think?”
    S: “little bit”
    Me: “well the ‘seems so’ was supposed to be funny, maybe I should have thrown in an lol? Did it bother you?”
    S: “Not at all! I like it!”

    Just wondering how to proceed w a man that likes this. It throws me off since that is my true nature to be that way but I feel like that is not a way we should be if you follow the Rori way.



  272.  #272MovingMagic on April 15, 2013 at 6:28 am

    How different would our responses toward men & our situations be if we chose to look at them as people first? People with emotions, life experiences, & a past that has brought them to where they are currently? We can choose that & still set boundaries & make necessary choices for our well being. In choosing understanding & love, we choose a whole different path toward understanding. ~My Monday morning thoughts. ๐Ÿ™‚



  273.  #273Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 6:38 am

    nme – What immediately came to mind was CCarter’s “try your worst” with a wink and Rori’s what do you think” or just an hhhm or oooo that would feel yummy? It seems to me that when he said “guess we have to go on a date then” was him throwing the ball in your court to bring out the feminine batting of the eyes and smile. I believe for him it might have felt a little like you taking on the masculine role. I am not sure I could take him up on the I like it as for me I would unconsciously get into thinking “bring on more” not recognizing that one can get too much of a good thing. Yet it could also means that he likes sassy/feisty chicks. That can be very sexy for some men.

    I am also wondering if the “you think” could be considered an innocent question rather than just saying thank you as if he was offering you a complement. It might even suggest that you are concerned about what people think about you rather than just being comfortable in your own skin. I am silly I am here thinking that maybe I would have purred like a cat instead “meow” to paint my own picture in his mind. I know. I am silly sometimes.

    This is early days and everything will feel juicy and sweet so I don’t believe any harm is done. Just bear in mind that he is a man and is wired to value when he wins what challenges him. He must value your time and not assume that you will be available for him. I think the key is to consider that relationship is a dance, it goes back and forth and side to side with all kinds of colors. Experiment with everything to see what works in each one. It is not necessarily a one size fit all.



  274.  #274nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Moving Magic,

    You know I feel the same way. I hate to feel like I need to act/respond to every man the same way. They have life experiances and issues and insecurities just like women do. They aren’t all cookie cut the same way. Each one is different.

    Some monday morning thoughts from me….what if a woman likes to be in a little more control then the Rori way would encourage? What if I find a man that is ok with that? I don’t want to plan dates and all, I want to be asked out but I don’t like …. playing the game I guess. Hate games. Can’t we just do what we want? Minus any drama.



  275.  #275Linda on April 15, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Indigo said…..A woman who trusts herself trusts her feelings, communicates them, then sits back to see what he does, and then makes a decision based on what is best for her. Rather than fretting and causing herself distress.

    TRUE TRUE TRUE.

    This is truely foundational.



  276.  #276confused on April 15, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Dear Rori,
    First I won’t to tell you thank you for all of your advice and for sharing your personal experiences with me. I have spent so many years living life day by day, excepting what ever happens as if I have no control, and feeling like I didn’t know or like who I was. But thanks to you now I feel like I’m really getting to know myself again and loving myself for who I am!.
    I have realized I don’t have to except being in a relationship that causes me to feel bad that I can change my relationship, so now I’m coming to you for some advice.
    I have been dating my man on an off again for 7 years without a comment. During the first 3 years I cheated 4 different times on him we broke up but ended up getting back together again, at that time I really didn’t care if he stayed or not but I felt as it I still wanted to be with him. After the 4 time I cheated it was about 1 month later I ended up pregnant with my little girl and that is when my life changed, all of a sudden I felt different, wanted different things, the way I thought about things was different, I was different, and the way I felt for my man was different. But my relationship with him hasn’t changed, even over the past 4 years, he still see me as if I’m the same person I was before, an that nothing will ever change that. There are day’s that we are so happy, things seem to be perfect, until he either becomes distant, mean, unsure of how he feels, or any little thing happens. It’s like we repeat the same old patterns over an over again.
    I hope to hear from you soon and thank you for your time.



  277.  #277nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 6:45 am

    FW,

    You said “I think the key is to consider that relationship is a dance, it goes back and forth and side to side with all kinds of colors. Experiment with everything to see what works in each one. It is not necessarily a one size fit all.”

    I love this. Is kinda what I touched on in my above comment with MM.

    Also when you commented on me saying “you think” I wasn’t offended or worried about him thinking of me a certain way I was more curious. I mean I definetly can be aggressive but wasn’t really trying to be in that moment. Was just messing with him. But looking back I do think “thank you” could have been just as good and fun of a response. lol.



  278.  #278Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 6:47 am

    hhhhmmm Linda. Yummy.



  279.  #279LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 6:50 am

    Help
    need advice
    when a woman is moving in hard on your cd do you lean forward to counter any trickery??? HScd ex is yet again throwing herself at him. I don’t feel insecure because I feel his heart and our connection, but I feel angry and annoyed and want to give her an old fashioned beat down but that makes me feel anti siren so I calm down and change my vibe and stay on my bridge. I don’t lean forward with him but I don’t know what to do in this situation. I leave her alone rather than lower myself to bickering but I WANT TO DO SOMETHING – I hate not feeling in control of a woman who needs to be put in her place. Pre siren I was a wicked and ferocious contender . . . Now I feel so helpless. I’m open to you input sirens



  280.  #280Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 6:50 am

    “thinking of me a certain way I was more curious”

    nme – Yayy you just identified a feeling.

    “I feel curious, you think my vibe feels aggressive”?

    Practice build in “I feel”.



  281.  #281nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 6:50 am

    My neighbor said “dating is a game, you either play or lose out” she is 59, I am 31…I feel like this is true and what I’ve found since I started dating….which is unfortunate cause I hate games. Why can’t everyone be honest?

    Wednesday my friend went out with a guy and the next day text him and said “I had a great time last night, but I just don’t feel like I’m the girl for you. Good luck fishing.” (she met him off plenty of fish) and he was greatful and said he had a nice time to but thanks for letting him know. There really isn’t any reason for games. Now he can move on and not think twice about her. Why can’t everyone just do this. So much easier!!! No wasted time.



  282.  #282nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 6:54 am

    FW,

    ha guess I did…is it bad to have an aggressive vibe? I do think I am aggressive sometimes but seeing “aggressive vibe” written out sounds bad…hmmm not sure



  283.  #283Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 7:02 am

    nme008 – I think it is more important that you ARE concerned about what people think of you and can help identify where you might be unconsciously judging yourself. Yet at the same time it could be used as feedback to experiment with different ways of being to bring out your best feminine self.



  284.  #284Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 7:04 am

    nme I say look for a mentor who won at the game or is in a succesful relationship to take advice from. What is your neighbor’s status? She might be giving you dated advice.



  285.  #285Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 7:06 am

    LoveAlways – outgirl her.



  286.  #286Linda on April 15, 2013 at 7:11 am

    FW … yummy indeed.

    MovingMagic … 272, I whole heartidly agree. It feels so much better navigating thru relationships when I de-vilinize people/men.



  287.  #287Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 7:12 am

    “what if a woman likes to be in a little more control then the Rori way would encourage?”

    The whole point is letting go of control to be surprised. Men are used to controlling women and find it so refreshing to be with women who allow them to be men and take the lead. Even our kids squirm when we try to control them. Also many times even though we have control we still feel dissatisfied because the men eventually get emasculated and just stop doing.



  288.  #288Syreena on April 15, 2013 at 7:29 am

    what is going on, why am I attracting what I do not want. The trouble is when we smile at everyone, everyone thinks it is an invitation to come and speak to me.
    I do not want to invite just anyone in.
    Is it time to be more selective about who I smile at.
    I notice that the people I really like the look of I avoid looking at for to long as I do not want them to know I like the look of or look needy around. And often then end up smiling and attracting what I do not really want.



  289.  #289Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I’m still talking to exoticCD from time to time. He stays in touch via text/sometimes call, and I am leaning back. The female friend thing is a sore point for me (they are VERY close) so I mentioned to him that I feel bored hearing about her (she has illness and drama) and then asked him why doesn’t he date her? He swears up and down that she is just a friend and they are like brother and sister. Whatever and I feel annoyed and turned off.
    He said he is not jealous and if we were together and I had guy friends it’s fine with him whether they are married, single etc…
    I don’t buy it.
    I think everyone has a tendency to be jealous and I’m not feeling comfortable with the closeness between them.
    Also I realized yesterday like a light bulb lit up…that’s it was triggering for me because recycledCD had his ex wife still in the picture and she was sick and had drama that demanded his time and it was a huuuge issue for me!!!
    Ugh.
    I’m open to meeting new men to date. I need more fish swimming in the pool. I may go back on the dating site.



  290.  #290Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 7:51 am

    Also by the way I am not jealous perse’ because I’m not even together with exoticCD but I can see I’d we were together in time I would maybe eventually feel jealous of the closeness between them and/ or the time he takes to take care of her taking time away from me…..



  291.  #291Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Emerson I believe it is great you are noticing your triggers.



  292.  #292Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 8:10 am

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/from-connection-to-passion/

    But that isnโ€™t true. For a woman, true passion is born out of connection, not attraction.
    Iโ€™ll say that again: For a woman, true passion is born out of connection, not attraction.
    So โ€“ take your time before you make judgments about what is or isnโ€™t possible.
    The only thing you need to know, from the first moment to the present moment, is if a manโ€™s energy is coming TOWARD you.
    You need to feel that. You need to feel that as relaxation, as a sense of security in your body. You need to be able to breathe around him. You need to feel safe enough to do the Tools, Speak your Truth, and be yourself โ€“ happy as yourself.
    Try using that as the test for any man. From here, you create connection, and from there โ€“ passion.
    Let me know.
    Love, Rori



  293.  #293Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Olivia – 246 – As living, breathing, FEELING goddess women, we will have thousands of emotions in a day, and yes many of them may be conflicting. Feelings are not often straightforward. Can you love and embrace this wonderful quality you have?

    xxoo



  294.  #294Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Emerson – 256 – I feel fascinated by your experience with men. I have not experienced this.

    Can you take a look inside, and see if something is maybe being reflected back to you? Do you maybe have fear which creates a hot and cold reaction in you?

    xxoo



  295.  #295Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:34 am

    janie baby – 257 – Men can be so easy going about this stuff and sometimes find it difficult to understand why we would feel worried, scared, and so.

    Yes it’s something you can work on within yourself, yet in the meantime try saying something like this – It may be silly of me to get all worked and frightened, and I am working on this. It will feel so much better to me to get a heads up on things. I don’t want to worry needlessly. It feels so bad. Can you help me with this?

    And the next time this arises, keep telling yourself all is well, keep choosing trust, over and over and over again.

    xxoo



  296.  #296Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:38 am

    janie baby – 263 – Sorry I’m getting the story in pieces, as I read along.

    Please, STOP the calling/texting. DO NOT ever cal repeatedlyy. It screams of drama and craziness. A huge turn off for most anyone, a man included.

    I SO understand how you feel, yet you MUST curb these urges when they arise.

    Like I said above, please keep telling yourself ALL is well, and CHOOSE TRUST, every other second if you must.

    xxoo



  297.  #297Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:47 am

    nme008 – 271 – Have you considered he was joking right back at you? I see nothing untoward here. I think it’s light and playful and quite goddesssy indeed. You had NO expectation, were just expressing authentic you.

    I say yay you.

    xxoo



  298.  #298Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Love Always – 278 – There is an expression which though rather grim, fits this situation.

    Give someone enough rope, and they will hang themselves.

    In other words you don’t have to do anything at all. Unless you want to feel sad for her in her seeming desperation.

    xxoo



  299.  #299Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 9:02 am

    I’m not sure Dominique. I really don’t know.

    I feel I need to “change” and it is very hard to change. I don’t know how to change. I feel sucked of energy with my emotional processing and tying to “grow” all the time.

    I think men are hot and cold when there is another woman in the picture or other women(plural) and they come back when they need variety.

    I feel so angry and fed up thinking about that.



  300.  #300LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Thanks Dominique. I don’t feel the least bit sad for her. Desperate is exactly how she is acting. I feel calmer giving her enough rope to do her own deed. I just also feel angry about her drama



  301.  #301Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Sometimes I think men see me and think wow big boobs and blond hair (I am very curvy and look you get than my age) they put me in a sex category right away maybe instead of getting to know me as a partner (I don’t sleep around)…
    Seriously it’s like they expect me to f&ck them right off the bat and pout and act surprised when I don’t. I don’t intend to put off a vibe that I’m like that either. It’s weird.



  302.  #302LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Thanks FW



  303.  #303nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Dominique,

    Yea he was joking back. That was a little later in our banter. He said “apparently we are both comedians” and from that our date formed. We went to dinner and a comedy show in the city.

    I know I should just relax and be now. Doing me. But its almost like I feel like there aren’t that many good out there so there so since he seemed like a good guy I want him to ask me out again. But I’m just leaning back. Even though I’m wanting to hear from him.



  304.  #304LoveAlways on April 15, 2013 at 9:27 am

    You know FW, outgirling her does put me totally in my feminine energy! ๐Ÿ™‚



  305.  #305Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Emerson – How about shifting this perspective that it’s hard to change? How about telling yourself it feels really easy changing? I can do this. YES I can. And start by smiling at yourself in the mirror and at the birdies chirping outside and the kitty cat or doggie cat who crosses your path and at springtime and anyone and everyone who you see wherever you go today.

    Do you have a thankfulness journal? I found this to be SO helpful in shifting dark moods, showing you how much there really is to feel good about. And write about everything to feel thankful for, from the tiniest to the biggest treasures.

    Breathe deeply as often as you can.

    Take time to treat YOU really well. Take time to notice and FEEL, and I don’t just mean the deep down feelings. I mean the breath of a breeze on your face, the sensation of your face and/or body cream as you smooth it on you. Inhale deeply the smells. Notice the textures. Luxuriate and revel in ALL of it.

    And tell yourself again how easy this all feels.

    xxoo



  306.  #306Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 9:49 am

    And maybe it’s true what you say. Men are visual after all, and big boobs for many men are sexy. So turn this around. Feel proud of your assets.

    Try not to assume anything about any man. Try to trust that he’s attracted to more than your body. He will show his true colors soon enough if sex is all he wants.

    xxoo



  307.  #307ALA on April 15, 2013 at 10:06 am

    303 – makes sense to me.

    I’m feeling so rush-rush-rush, on so many levels in my life. Almost like on the verge of panic attack. My body is telling me I need to s l o w down Today I’m going to notice my awareness on a sensual level. Not be so much in my head.

    After I finish my coffee I *get to* mow my lawn. It wont seem like such a chore when I recognize the simple pleasures that go along with it. I love the smell of fresh cut grass and I get to be outside in the fresh air!



  308.  #308Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Thanks Dominique
    Your words are helpful. I don’t feel so “dark” all the time ….it’s just when I go to bed at night and sometimes when I wake up first thing in the morning. I feel that I’m on the right track and then bam! I feel I’ve gotten it all wrong ….
    I will try to shift to think its easy to change…

    I need to change my tendency to shut down and clam up when things get tense…. I literally feel scared and sick to my stomach when I feel I’m being betrayed and I react with “oh well here we go again” ….and I feel so much anger.
    It can be a man I’m dating or a family member….



  309.  #309Emerson on April 15, 2013 at 10:09 am

    I’m fine with men liking my physical appearance but its such a turn off when it seems they can’t control themselves and act like a gentleman especially she it’s just the first few dates. Maybe they should call and escort service.



  310.  #310Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 10:17 am

    “I feel like there arenโ€™t that many good out there”

    Lack mentality. Yayy for shining a light on it as these are the beliefs that drive our actions.



  311.  #311Femininewoman on April 15, 2013 at 10:35 am

    CCarter

    “2. Teasing: For men, teasing is a universal way of bonding and communicating that is like an unspoken language that all men speak.

    Every man I know at one time or another has told me a story about at least one exciting and attractive woman they once met. Almost all of these stories involve one common theme – the women they were with started TEASING them.

    Teasing is easier than you might think. The one catch is to do it all with a sense of humor and fun… and don’t get too serious.

    The best way to tease a man playfully is to be SARCASTIC with him. If he asks “Do you have the time?” and you have a watch on…

    Look at him straight in the eyes and say “Yes,” smile, and then turn away from him without telling him the time and stop paying attention to him. He’ll realize that you’re being funny and see that he only asked you is you KNEW the time, not to tell him. Then he’ll either ask you directly what the time is, or he’ll start immediately being playful back at you. And away you go, playing together.

    This kind of thing is subtle, but builds a growing level of ATTRACTION inside a man for you.

    Again, the WORDS you’re saying don’t matter. What’s important is that you’re intentionally either misleading him with your words to mess with him, or you’re playfully making fun of him.

    Some women feel uncomfortable with teasing or making fun of a man. But for men, it’s again another way they connect socially. The funny part is, the more you can tease a man and have him laughing and wanting you to be serious for a minute… the more he’s going to be wanting to get close to you and know you better. It’s funny how men and human nature work.

    Try it. You’ll love how a man responds!”



  312.  #312Olivia on April 15, 2013 at 11:10 am

    @Nme –sounds like some sweet teasing to me, not agressive!

    And I think it sounds awesome you have 3 little ones…and there are plenty guys out there who want a big family and would feel like that was pretty awesome too. Do you have a little boy or two? Have you been trying any of Rori’s stuff on HIM??



  313.  #313nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Olivia,
    My oldest (11 years) is a boy. I feel like I might try to use some tools but haven’t yet.



  314.  #314nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 11:56 am

    FW,

    I don’t know if it’s where I live or what but I seriously feel that way with the selection here!



  315.  #315nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    FW #282,

    Elaborate….I don’t really get what your saying here.

    Oh and the neighbor? She is single and doesn’t date, lol. I’m sure her advice is dated. But seems to be along the same lines as on here. She may call it a game but all she is saying is not to text or call and let him come to me.

    Now I have one friend that I go to for advice, my age, just married a little over a year. Did the dating thing for awhile before finding her guy and they have a great relationship. She is usually spot on with advice. She however probably wouldnt agree with all the Rori ways. She did recommend giving M his space and all when things got weird but with S she says “don’t do anything different just cause you went on a date. you two text all the time last week and he text you last so text him if you want to.”



  316.  #316Veronica on April 15, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Happy belated birthday Dominique!

    From the previous thread:
    Zia 267: Iโ€™ve been forced over the past year to get into enjoying doing things by myself and not wishing anyone was with me to see it. The moments when I did do that were some of the highlights in an otherwise very emotional year. Iโ€™m really hoping I can get back into doing more of that. Iโ€™m so glad you posted that comment โ€“ thank you.

    Indigo 258 and 268 โ€“ Oh that was beautiful, it sounds like youโ€™re making huge progress!
    โ€œThis half-starved, uncommitted arrangement which causes endless longing and neglects so many of my basic needs.โ€ – So on point. Thank you so much for the clarity.

    From earlier on in this thread:
    Carol (19) and Turquoise (12) โ€“ wow, thank you! That felt good to read.
    Linda 270 โ€“ โ€œEven when you are a miles awayโ€ฆ the distance instantly disappearsโ€โ€ฆ He had tears roll out of his piercing blue eyes and down his cheeks as he said.. โ€œit is lonely and empty here when you go homeโ€. No more words required, enough said. (smiling here)โ€ ——-Wow!!



  317.  #317Lisa on April 15, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Lots of emotion coming up… finding it hard to function today… it’s taxing my immune system. I guess b/c I’m holding it in.. That’s the hard part, continuing to function while working the tools and working on myself.. Trust issues, letting go issues, intimacy issues… taking care of me today… not much energy for much else. I caught myself doubting him today… is he really being faithful ( he has never given me a reason to think he isn’t) its my old beliefs haunting me today.. I feel sick at my stomach.. fever blister coming up… tired and weak.. these pent up emotions trying to surface… breathing deeply… starting to cry… I think it is b/c I’m realizing it might just be he is the one and I am safe with him and I can trust him… Being beaten almost to death..,,, I guess is hard to let of even after all these years… of being having to be strong. I want to feel deeper… let him in more.. I’m scared of being vulnerable again.



  318.  #318Veronica on April 15, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I was a bit of a mess the other day โ€“ Iโ€™ll call it my crisis day. It started off well โ€“ I was exercising, so focused that this was what I was doing for me because I love me and then this beautiful stillness and calm and I felt I had nothing to fear, like it was an undeniable fact — โ€œof courseโ€

    Then there was trembling and cold โ€˜how am I going to be okay?โ€™ โ€˜What am I going to do with this need of mine that Iโ€™m feeling so strongly now?โ€™

    And Iโ€™m adjusting my clothes โ€“ quite symbolic for me: making them fit me and when I wear them I will feel safe because they were things that I decided to do out of self-love. Iโ€™m adjusting this skirt that has a print of autumn-coloured flowers. That skirt really brings out this need in me to make it out of self-love so that whenever I put it on โ€“ it will be the โ€˜first factโ€™ โ€“ I love myself (and so it wonโ€™t matter what else happens). I took the greatest care cutting the fabric which is a little fragile โ€“ it took a long time โ€“ almost a day, through a thunderstorm. But while Iโ€™m making it I canโ€™t help falling apart and crying. Itโ€™s not supposed to be the skirt of tears but something in me feels that this crying is just the first part.

    I tried to distract myself with what distinguishes friendship from relationship and I keep getting snagged on the thought โ€˜friendship for me is โ€ฆ.without the fear of it turning romanticโ€™. Then two things happened. 1. There was this feeling of empowerment somewhere in the act of getting to decide. I felt release. 2. I noticed that my definition of friendship was about control (or actually how Iโ€™ve never entertained the idea of trusting myself). I would have never come to this had I not read the super-amazing perspectives on trust from Rori, Mercedes and from Dominiqueโ€™s article. Thank you so much.

    And then while Iโ€™m going about my day I notice so closely how people open up whenever I smile to them. It feels so warm and brings me such relief and thankfulness, especially since I feel that thatโ€™s all I have right then in that moment.

    BM was concerned about not hearing from me for so long. His e-mail is very caring. I respond by trusting what he initially said โ€“ so I open up, telling him what Iโ€™ve been doing and feeling, but being careful in myself not to get carried away in anything imaginary, not to hope for anything with him. My NVs are raging all over this and I still decide to trust. He responds amazingly. My mind doesnโ€™t want to even bother with โ€˜where is this going?โ€™ . Iโ€™m just experiencing each interaction and trying not to let the success of trusting myself and him morph into anything beyond what it is. Yes thatโ€™s where Iโ€™ll sit for now.



  319.  #319prplpsn28 on April 15, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    It’s been kinda nice to sit back and read the comments from everyone. A lot of great helpful information. Feeling blah tho today. Had a procedure this morning that has forced me to sit and take it easy. Has allowed for more thinking. Haven’t heard from H since saturday night when all that happened. Can’t go back and change it. It is what it is. Giving him space and hoping I’ll hear from him soon.



  320.  #320Rori Raye on April 15, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Syreena – WElcome – and what exactly is wrong with attracting everyone and anyone? It’s still your choice what to do after that – yes or no…Love, Rori



  321.  #321Rori Raye on April 15, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    confused – Welcome, and is your man the father of your child? Is he a good father? If you weren’t committed – then you didn’t “cheat.” You Circular Dated.Circular Date again and see if another man shows up. And practice all the Tools with this one. Perhaps you’re pushing him away in ways you’re not aware of? OR – he’s just not for you. I know a woman who was with one man for 8 years who would not marry her. She left. He was in shock, and never recovered. She was married to another, greater man within the year, had a baby and is still happy as a clam. The man is alone to this day. Love, Rori



  322.  #322Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Veronica – It’s a week long thing so not so much late, yet thank you very much. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xxoo



  323.  #323Dominique on April 15, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Lisa – 317 – Wounds like yours need lots and lots of patience, gentleness, and love. It can be a long process to feel safety with another man. I can tell you that it took me nearly a decade to feel totally safe with K. Yet it was a gradual thing. I suddenly realized one day how safe I truly feel.

    xxoo



  324.  #324Lisa on April 15, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Thanks Dominique, that makes me cry.. opens me up… I needed that!!!… It has been a long, long process of healing and even being in my body and have the confidence I have took lots of work.. I’ll keep that in mind when I think I “should” be feeling safer than I do… that I need to give myself time and love myself. XXOO back ๐Ÿ™‚



  325.  #325Liquid Light on April 15, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    @FW

    All I know is that as soon as my ex sensed that I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted/when he wanted it (time/attention/sex), he bolted and found someone else.

    That’s what I meant.



  326.  #326Zia on April 15, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Veronica 318: Beautiful. I have days like this more often than not at the moment so what you wrote really resonated with me x



  327.  #327nme008 on April 15, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Questionโ€ฆS text me about an hour ago and started off by saying โ€œsorry Iโ€™m just getting in touch nowโ€ฆ.โ€ And yesterday started his text off the same way. Almost like he thinks I need an explanation for him not texting 24/7. I donโ€™t need that and donโ€™t want to start off a new thing w these expectations. Maybe he is carrying over stuff from his last relationship? How do I respond and let him know he doesnโ€™t need to apologize?



  328.  #328Linda G on April 15, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    Nme, how about, “I am always happy to hear from you, whenever you call, text, etc”



  329.  #329Linda G on April 15, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Oh my, I went to my first speed dating the other night. It was great for leaning back and practicing tools. I noticed the guys who I showed interest in, asked them questions and gushed a bit, did not request my number. The ones I leaned way back, smiled with, all asked for my number!

    At the end of the night, the moderator asks you to rate the guys, date, friend, nothing. I figured they should pick me, so I said yes to all to see who shows up.

    Really fun



  330.  #330Angelica on April 15, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I met a man online, we hit it off right from the begining. He was texting every day and a few times through out the day for 3 weeks. We went on 3 date and they were nice, he was not pushy and acted very proper with me. A true gentleman! Needless to say I really liked him. Our last date, he texted me when he got home to say that he resisted kissing me and if I would’ve liked him to’. We talked a little about maybe the next time we saw each other that would be ok.

    Slowly, he stoped texting, calling and I have not heard from him for about 4 days now. No contact not so ever. Last we spoke I responded to his text, saying that he would call but never did.

    Not sure what to do here, I wanted to send him a text but didn’t. Nor, did I call. I wanted him to contact me, but can’t help it to want to know what is going on. What should I do here? I am so disaponted. I also noticed that he deleted his profile online, the day after our last date. Maybe he met somone ele and moved on?
    Not sure what really happened and my instinct is pushing me to confront him, but have not done it.

    Is there anything I could do? I am circular dating, but I had my heart on him.

    thanks,
    angelica



  331.  #331prplpsn28 on April 15, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Still haven’t heard from him. Feeling sad, anxious, hurt. Do I contact him?



  332.  #332Lisa on April 15, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Had a long talk with M tonight… I still need to work on my I feel statements… I got a few out. He was defensive some.. but said he would work on it. I was a little taken back by him telling me that he gets frustrated with me for not replying to his e-mails.. He said ” I know you see them your on your computer all day”. Usually guys complain from you responding. I try to give him space.. and not reply unless it is a request to reply or if I know I’ll be talking to him, then address it then. I was a little deflated by that.. kind of like darn if I do and darn if I don’t.. I noticed that I wanted to give up and not talk about things anymore after that.. I started to cry.. feeling like I was working hard to communicate and it wasn’t really working well. I think I’m doing and I need to stop doing.. humm trying to figure out… what all that was.. masculine/ feminine? ugg.. Is he trying to pull me into doing? I’ve been leaning back and circular dating, going out with friends and all.. he seems a little put off by it…



  333.  #333blue rose on April 15, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    # 239: Kristine

    wow. Thanks for writing that. I felt so uncomfortable with that guy.

    I thought he was a giant nerd and had zero game. I still think that. But I guess that doesn’t matter – I didn’t want him unzipping the ankles of my jeans.

    the other guys in the room made fun of him for his “moves”. and I felt bad, but you’ve got a point. If he wants to get to know me better then he can ask me out. Even giant nerds know how to ask for a number.



  334.  #334Angela on April 15, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    Having a life a full life feels so good. Happiness shows up you do change your vibe completely. I am loving the change forcing myself to get out meet friends do fun things. And yet that little voice creeps in what if I am making myself to unavailable to love or men.



  335.  #335prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Now today I’m feeling mad, angry, upset. Instead of facing the problem head on and discussing it and resolving it and forgetting about it and moving on he chooses to turn his back and ignore me. I hate that! Seems to me he’s being childish. At this point I almost don’t even want to hear from him. This has always been how he handles conflict. And it drives me nuts. Tonight is the night that we would normally have our every Tuesday night dinner at the local restaurant. See what happens.



  336.  #336prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 5:50 am

    @ Lisa 332…My guy has been acting the same way. I’ve been keeping myself busy and going out with friends. Seems lately tho, this past Friday night to be specific, that it upsets him. He actually told me during a disagreement saturday night that he drove by my house friday night to see if I was there. Really?! We are told to CD and keep busy but the CD doesn’t seem to be working. Keeping busy and having a life outside of him, yes, but not CD and flirting. And I don’t feel comfortable with it when I do it. And now he’s ignoring me. So it seems. And it also seems as tho from comments he’s made in the past that he actually prefers that I initiate contact with him now and them. Yet we are told not to. I don’t know about you but I’m confused. Dating really shouldn’t be this complicated.



  337.  #337Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 6:28 am

    Angelica hi. I wonder if he felt your heart on him as pressure?



  338.  #338Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Lisa maybe he wants encouragement. I am wondering if you can tell him that yes you see his email but feel more connected and intimate when you talk on the phone or in person? Also I would tell him that I feel feminine and soft having his energy coming towards me. Defensive might likely be his normal pattern of behavior so please don’t make it about you. If he likes to write plus call I wouldn’t do anything to discourage that. If this is the man you believe you want to have a relationship I believe allowing him to be who he is, is one of the best ways to have him step up.



  339.  #339Lisa on April 16, 2013 at 7:45 am

    @Femininewoman That would have been a wonderful thing to say, if I’d thought of it.. I get tongue tied sometimes when he gets frustrated b/c he is such a confident man ( I’m used to feminine men). This is my first experience with a masculine man. Hopefully I’ll get the tools down better and they will be more natural. I think though he is wanting to communicate with me via e-mail instead of phone … which I told him in the beginning, I don’t do text dating or e-mail dating. He calls me about once a week usually on a tuesday night and we see each other on wed, fri, sat and sometimes on sunday. It would be nice to have him call more often since the relationship is progressing. I’ll try and convey to him in my feelings voice… that I feel happier when I speak to him on the phone… Instead of what I said on the 3rd date which is ” I don’t do electronic dating”. He also wants acknowledgement that he did connect with me. So, how do I give him space and acknowledge he sent me a picture ?



  340.  #340Vi on April 16, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Moving Magic, I felt mesmerized by your 272 comment. thank you for sharing your Monday morning thoughts! They feel safe and connecting and beautiful and vulnerable and very powerful to me.. I feel moved



  341.  #341Vi on April 16, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Janie baby thank you for hugs! I feel supported ๐Ÿ™



  342.  #342Femininewoman on April 16, 2013 at 8:09 am

    So many times Lisa? Oh my!!! When dealing with men I believe it is good to be flexible. It seems to me that this guy is really trying.



  343.  #343Vi on April 16, 2013 at 8:19 am

    Hehe typo in smile ๐Ÿ™‚



  344.  #344prplpsn28 on April 16, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I’m done with this blog ๐Ÿ™



  345.  #345MovingMagic on April 16, 2013 at 8:25 am

    AttentiveCd initiated a talk with when we were together this weekend. Yes ladies HE initiated the “where are we at talk”. It felt really amazing to me & I told him so. Neither of us are ready for a relationship right now. I’m enjoying the process & getting to know him. He told me he’s not dating anyone else & we talked about not sleeping with with other people. He’s started talking about me to his friends & even coworkers. We even talked about thoughts/feelings on gender roles when it comes to communication & initiating dates. He told me that the connection he feels with me is rare & that he feels so much openess coming from me. Wow. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to continue to CD for me. I’m enjoying my life & the direction I’m going in. We both talked about how important it is to have a friendship as a foundation. I feel like that’s such a core element for me. I need to feel like I have a friend above all else. Wow ladies, being at this place of internal understanding feels really groundbreaking!



  346.  #346Vi on April 16, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Emerson just wanted to let you know how amazing you sound to me, and that when I read 301, Katie Byron’s question ‘who would you be without this thought’ popped up in ny mind.. and I felt like sharing it with you.. ๐Ÿ™‚



  347.  #347Vi on April 16, 2013 at 8:29 am

    There is a new thread up!



  348.  #348Lisa on April 16, 2013 at 9:04 am

    @femininewoman confused by: “so many times Lisa? Oh My!” Yes, he is trying… and I love that about him. I’m being so flexible… at times it feels like I’m holding up the relationship.



  349.  #349Lisa on April 16, 2013 at 10:00 am

    @VI I love Byron Katie’s work. I use it with Rori’s tools.. and its’ great! Rori has helped me see those pesty thoughts that are there, that I couldn’t find… and yes, who would you be without that thought… for me yesterday… I did it with “I need a man”. How would I be more feminine and powerful and not needy or focused on “him” all the time, if I didn’t have that thought.. So glad you brought that up… I use both Rori and Byron’s tools they work wonderful together…



  350.  #350Silent Virgo on April 17, 2013 at 4:55 am

    This is my time leaving a post and feeling very nervous and confused.. I have been going out with M for last 8 months. We saw each other at a meeting and it was love at first sight. He asked me out. And within 2 weeks we said I love to each other. He was wonderful.. Would call and text and would take me out all the time.hecwould say things like I m already planning our lives together for next 25 years. I have 2 kids but i so want a daughter. As he knew that i liked kids. Etc etc. and i just thoght that he was my prince charming and this was my fairy tail. And then he started getting distent. And after 5 months into the realtionship i had THE SPEECh. How he thinks we are rushing and he feels pressured. As he is not ready and he wished that he had met me a year after as he has a lot of plans for this years and they dont include me. I just sat there. Shocked and speechless. With tears rolling down my cheeck. Thinking what happened. And if this is a nightmare I need to wake up.. But it wasn’t. He was saying all that. Came home and remember crying my heart out for next 2 weeks. During these 2 weeks he would call and I would pretend everything was ok and then we went out one evening and he said ” I feel bad for that evening Bcz I think u got me wrong. Instill love u and ur everything I always asked for.. I just need more time.” And I like an idiot fell for this again. Things were great again. And then after 6 weeks he was going away for a week. This was the first time since we were together that he was going away for this long and I felt overwhelmed and told him that I will miss him and feeling sad. He got upset again and said this is why he feels pressured and we need to slow down Because he is not used to of dealing with anyone’s emotions. I was in tears again. This is when is found Rori’s blog and started reading about leaning back. But he is not that guy that would step up. He tells me that I m the first person he asked out. Girls usually ask him out and call him and I can see that he has many many friends who are girls and are crazy about him.. If I call him or text. He answers back but its very rare for him to call him.. Meanwhile I started a business with him and now we are business partners. He is still wonderful to me when we are together but he never says I love u. There are still times when he tells me that we are in different places in our lives. But then he will tell me that he is working on his issues and needs time. He is 47 and I m 35.. He was married and now have been divorced for 14 years. Has 2 grown up kids 19 and 22. He had many many relation ships after that but not got married again as according to him. Never found The One. All his ex girl friends are still friends with him.. I just feel very confused. I love him like crazy and I know he cares but does he love me. I m not sure. I want him to love me as much as I love him.. I have a lot friends that I go out with and I m involved with so many projects. I always get a lot of attention everywhere I go but I never fell the way he makes me feel. He tells me I m beautiful and smart and he has never met anyone like me and that I m everything he would want in his life partner but then the next day he goes cold. I just simply don’t know what do and what to believe.

    Silent Virgo



  351.  #351Rori Raye on April 17, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Silent Virgo – Welcome, and I wrap my arms around you – and read everything you can here about Circular Dating and “The Girlfriend Trap.” All you need to do to keep sane is to start dating other men. You can still date him, but you HAVE to NOT be exclusive. Really – that’s crucial for you. He has no right to your exclusivity – and I’m not even sure he WANTS it. After you feel more balanced from dating other men – we’ll show you how to bring him along step-by-step – you can only do that with the confidence that comes from knowing you can walk away at any time. Love, Rori



  352.  #352Silent Virgo on April 17, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Thanks Rori. I have already started going out with different guys after reading your circular dating but doesn’t matter where I m, I can’t stop thinking about him. I can be in a middle of a conversation and will start smiling just because I will remember something he said or we did. I started pole dancing class last week and in the middle of the class I just wanted to stop and cry.. It hurts. I miss us and how things were between us. We are planning to take a 2week vacation next month. I feel scared. I will be with him for 2 weeks 24 hours a day and once we are back. Then what.? Rori I want him in my life. I really love him. And I know life goes on doesn’t matter what but its not going to be the same



  353.  #353maybaby61 on April 17, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    Hello Ladies–I am so enjoying reading all of your posts. I’ve just started reading Rori and OMG I swear she must know me personally! I couldn’t believe it…how could she possibly know what I have been dealing with? How could she know me so well and she’s never met me? I knew I was in the right place and I’m so incredibly excited! I met a man and we connected right off. We could talk about anything and he was really connecting with me. Then we went out for dinner one night, our first “date” and he told me that he liked me and had liked me since we first met. I was so excited and I couldn’t believe that for once in a long time, someone I actually liked, felt the same way about me…that’s when it happened…I became completely overbearing! I texted him all the time, when he woke up, when he was working, and I did all of this under the pretense, in my mind, that I was being nice, being his friend, what ever excuse I could make up that rationalized what I was doing, I did. It makes me sad and humiliated that I basically made an ass out of myself for this man…he liked me right? Well it has definitely fizzled and has become uncomfortable and I’ve become a person I don’t want to be. The sad thing is I really like the guy. I enjoy his company and we have so much in common and I feel like I’ve really blown it. So I am so glad to be getting started with Rori’s program. I now understand why I was doing what I did and believe me, this was not the first time, but hopefully it will be my last! I know I am an awesome woman with a lot to offer someone. I don’t need to devalue myself in order to have the man I want…I know this in my head, now I just have to do the work. I worry that I won’t be able to stick to it when the time comes, and I’ll revert back…is it trial and error for a while? What can I do to keep my focus and not falter?
    Thank you all for your words and inspiration. I’m sure it’s like anything…it works if you work it…right?



  354.  #354confused on April 18, 2013 at 4:09 am

    Dear Rori,
    Yes he is the father an a good one at that, but we are not a family. He runs hot an cold all the time. I know there are other men out there, really good men but I can’t seem to let him go. I feel sad to think about us not together an a little afraid, because he owns our house, cars, and he brings in the income. I know I will be ok without him, an he should be lucky I’m even with him, but for some reason he just don’t get it an I’m losing hope in US to make it.



  355.  #355Rori Raye on April 18, 2013 at 8:39 am

    maybaby – Welcome – and thank you for your awesome post! I’d like to reprint it as a full post so everyone can read it…Love, Rori



  356.  #356InLimbo on April 20, 2013 at 4:21 am

    Wow, and to think I was alone out there in thinking why does he act bipolar! I’m so glad I found your site. Let me know what you think and how you would proceed in my case please Rori.
    Let me give you a brief history about myself and him. We knew of eachother back in high school. We did not go to school together but knew eachother through my uncle who worked with him at a car service center. Growing up it was not uncommon for me to socialize with any friends of my uncles, I see him as more of a big brother. At the time we did not speak or socialize with one another yet later on he would always tell me he noticed me for sure. Fast forward a few years in our early 20s we actually started talking and I found myself at a complete stand still. He utterly amazed me. Not so much in the way I thought true love or love at first sight would feel like but like I found him again at last. I had no idea I could see someone in a way Iโ€™ve never encountered before. Like a magnet. I had to keep my feelings in check because I did not know if he saw me in the same light. We hung out with my uncle and other friends but I always felt the urge to be as one with him. I ignored it. With more time we became close and talked more and more. It resulted in us finally becoming physical and Iโ€™ve never felt so alive. I realized I loved him more than I could comprehend. I did not know how he could have such a profound affect on me after us being together once. I let things be because I didnโ€™t want to feel so attached and we cooled it. I knew him before from what my uncle said as someone that had been with his fair share of girls and although I knew I didnโ€™t want to be another notch in his belt I never judged him. I saw his other flaws and imperfections and knew I myself had some of the same flaws. I saw myself making some of the same character imperfections. Sometimes lying or being vague to get out of situations I didnโ€™t want to deal with that, kind of thing. He acted like a male version of me. I decided to sit back and love secretly and let him do his thing to see what would happen. I have never had such an honest open friendly relationship before with anyone like we had with eachother. We never fought ever. Along the way I have been able to read his thoughts in a sense, enough to finish his sentences. I can think of him and he will call. We have weird dreams about eachother and they were oddly almost the same. We have had similar relationships with people. Our problems with our boyfriend and girlfriend that we have now are eerily similar. So here we are a decade later. I had become pregnant from our encounter back then and now have our 9 yr old son that looks exactly like him. So uncanny to have someone that acts and behaves like a mold of his dad and myself. I had questioned him out of fear of judgement from others because of our physical but not committed relationship when he said he wanted to be there for me and our son when I told him I decided to keep the baby. The way I reacted out of fear of abandonment was what I think really got to him when I told him to make sure he wanted it because I couldnโ€™t handle it if he said one thing and behaved differently once the baby was here. I never got an answer from him after that. I think he took it as rejection from me. After our baby was born he and I talked some and eventually saw eachother. He saw our son at 3 months old. And more or less off and on since. Our little one has a very relaxed easy relationship with him now. They talk and go to lunch and basically enjoy eachother when they’re together as they should. I would like more of a relationship for us and our son which doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic one (considering he and I went on to have children with our partners we have now) and he says he wants more as well and acts like he does but every time I try to continue on with the good vibe we have and try to have a basic friendly, getting along relationship something happens to him and he gets cold. Then he comes back and acts like normal and everything is good but then itโ€™s like he gets unsure and hides again. When itโ€™s good itโ€™s great but then at times I canโ€™t tell what it is he is feeling. The love is there. I’m not afraid to admit I have love for this man and I see the love between him and our son but I just donโ€™t know how to deal with his inconsistency. Especially when it comes to our son. I can put some understanding to his behavior now by reading your blog but our kid can not. How do you deal with a man when a child is involved? Iโ€™m not expecting him or myself to up and leave relationships we currently have with our partners we are with now but I would like very much to be able to both be at peace and keep the communication open for our sons sake. I don’t expect romantic love even though its clear we do have love for eachother. Ive accepted him as who I know he is. I have always loved him unconditionally through the worst and best times. I see so much of him in our son I cant help but think about him daily. As of 2 weeks ago I haven’t heard from him at all. For the first week I was at a loss of what to do. It was his bday midweek and our son had called the weekend before and also on his bday with no call back or reply to my texts. I tried to also call him twice and it rings a few times and gets sent to voicemail. He has gone cold again and distant and I left him alone all this week to see if he’d drop this behavior he has never pulled before with our son. No word from him. I haven’t tried any contact in a week and I’m at a complete loss of what to do. Any advice about my awkward unusual dilemma would be much appreciated.
    Thx.



  357.  #357Indigo on April 21, 2013 at 7:33 am

    InLimbo,

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your situation… seems to me you have two issues here, and are you sure you have separated them?

    1) Your feelings/relationship with this man;

    2) This man’s relationship with his son, and his obligations toward him.

    They really are separate, with separate solutions, and have you thought about what it is you would want/need in each of them?



  358.  #358InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Indigo-
    Yes I actually have given that a lot of thought. I told him before when this has happened in the past that if he needs to pull back from me that’s one thing that I could understand as I don’t have an attachment so it doesn’t bother me but for our son he is obviously attached so it is not okay to just up and disappear on him. I have never not heard from him for this long before. It’s confusing.



  359.  #359Indigo on April 21, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Ok, that makes it a lot clearer.

    Hm, I cannot think it can be good for a child for a parent to be in and out of his life. Have you thought about using your boy energy to formalize things, like a contract setting out visiting times, times when they could talk on the phone, financial obligations?



  360.  #360InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Basically I would like to know some advice to get it to where he is talking again so we can discuss what’s going on and either move on with mutual understanding or go our separate ways. I don’t know how to proceed financially or emotionally with our kid until I at least have one conversation with him. The little one is confused as well as Iam. What do I do? Give up trying to hatch it out? I mean do I just up and run to the child support office and be done with trying to speak to him? In all the 14 yrs we’ve known eachother I’ve never had to encounter him like this way for weeks. It usually doesn’t go past 4 or 5 days and he is his usual self.



  361.  #361InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 8:42 am

    Indigo-
    Basically I would like to know some advice to get it to where he is talking again so we can discuss what’s going on and either move on with mutual understanding or go our separate ways. I don’t know how to proceed financially or emotionally with our kid until I at least have one conversation with him. The little one is confused as well as Iam. What do I do? Give up trying to hatch it out? I mean do I just up and run to the child support office and be done with trying to speak to him? In all the 14 yrs we’ve known eachother I’ve never had to encounter him like this way for weeks. It usually doesn’t go past 4 or 5 days and he is his usual self.



  362.  #362Indigo on April 21, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I’m sure the other ladies on this blog will have amazing input for you as well, but in my humble opinion this might be a good time to be vulnerable with him. Using an “I feel…” statement, and “Can you help me with this?”



  363.  #363InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Yikes! Sorry about the double comment, It said it had some errors and would not be published so I addressed it to whom I was responding to and hit publish again.
    Indigo as a response to your question yes I actually have tried before in the beginning to put together a schedule for visitations, phone calls etc and he is very relaxed when it comes to those things. He took it as me being pushy and like I don’t need to tell him how to parent our son. I explained I was just trying to know not only for my sake but for our kid so we know what to expect from him. It didn’t take at all.
    During the first week of his ignoring our calls or my txts when I was trying to talk to him I did say to him that this feels awful and can we get together and talk later to figure it out. I told him doesnt he think he should call our son back at least cause he’s a kid, he doesn’t understand all this. No response. Then all last week I didn’t call him at all. Still no response. I’m out of ideas.



  364.  #364InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Well he called me himself today. Acting as if nothing was wrong at all. Didn’t offer any explanations. All I told him is that I was busy and if we could talk tomorrow in person. He said sure and if we could meet on his lunch break and that was it. Hmm…hopefully when I do speak with him things will go smoothly. Eventually I hope we can get to a place where I can depend on him being consistent and a steady non fluctuating co-parent/friend.

    Thank you so very much Indigo for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I really appreciate it.



  365.  #365InLimbo on April 21, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Well he called me himself today. Acting as if nothing was wrong at all. Didn’t offer any explanations. All I told him is that I was busy and if we could talk tomorrow in person. He said sure and if we could meet on his lunch break and that was it. Hmm…hopefully when I do speak with him things will go smoothly. Eventually I hope we can get to a place where I can depend on him being consistent and a steady non fluctuating co-parent/friend.

    Thank you so very much Indigo for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I really appreciate it. ๐Ÿ™‚



  366.  #366Indigo on April 21, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    InLimbo

    My pleasure. When you meet him for lunch, try to use “I feel” statements, and ask him if what he thinks and if he can help you with your concerns, this may well bring out his cooperative, masculine side.

    It is a good sign that he contacted you and wants to meet.

    (PS. I f you would like the other ladies’ input on this, the best thing is to put your posts on the newest thread ๐Ÿ™‚ ) x



  367.  #367Sarah on April 24, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I’m using all your tools for my personal relationships challenges. Currently slowly removing attachment from my ex-fiance and fighting neediness surrounding being childless and single. I’m circular dating in my personal life. This feels wobbly still….

    And also in my work life… It feels a bit weird though….

    I am an Aerospace Engineer and I work for Rolls Royce in a factory surround by about hmmmm 200-ish men. So circular dating at work is having an interesting effect on my productivity. Work is not hard work anymore. It feels easy and fluid and fun. In fact it’s pretty amazing. I get to be a female and an engineer at the same time ๐Ÿ™‚ Also I am causing quite a stir. I am often feeling pretty nervous that they’ll all ‘know’ and think I’m up to no good, then the rest of the time I am feeling so relieved. I don’t feel the need to hold my stomach in all day, I don’t feel like leaning off the edge of my seat in meetings, or having all the answers. I speak feeling messages all day and my colleagues help me, hold the door open, offer to be part of my team, offer to take tasks on as favours. One day I was listening to one of your programs on my ipod. I looked up and my desk was surrounded by guys and I ended up pinned to the wall too. I felt pretty amused by the ‘coincidence’ of this ๐Ÿ™‚

    I have not felt this happy at work in years, it always felt like a struggle. Now it feels joyous, I laugh all day and still get things done! Thank you. Sending you my love, Sarah xx



  368.  #368Kris on April 24, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    Mercedes #10 – you say work on your inside and out, how can I do that? X



  369.  #369Rori Raye on April 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    Sarah (I’ve deleted your last name for your privacy) – thank you thank you for your amazing comment – I’m going to post it as a post so everyone can read it! Love, Rori



  370.  #370Dominique on April 24, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Kris – 368 – This is what any of this is about, working on YOU, and you begin first of all with awareness that you do indeed have some work to do, and you actively and consciously change old habits and patterns which no longer serve you, if they ever did.

    And you fill your life up with anything that makes you feel good, fulfills you, friend, family, work, hobbies, classes.

    And you take the best care of you possible including pampering. It takes being kind and gentle as well as patient with yourself as you process and take you first steps and every step from there on this healing journey.

    Read all you can here and/or on my site which you can get to by clicking on my name. You may want to invest in some books or programs to help you along, again here, Rori’s or mine or others.

    There is one one one coaching available as well.

    xxoo



  371.  #371kris on April 25, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Thanks so much Dominique. What is your site? I want to get my man back but need to strengthen myself as i feel maybe weak at the moment – does your site have information like this? x



  372.  #372Rori Raye on April 25, 2013 at 9:00 am

    kris – Dominique is at http://www.sexandheart.com…Love, Rori



  373.  #373Dominique on April 25, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Or just click on my name. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xxoo



  374.  #374Lisa on May 1, 2013 at 11:59 am

    @sarah Go Girl! That’s awesome!



  375.  #375Jennifer on May 3, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have read and been practicing the tools in Have the Relationship You Want and Reconnect Your Relationship. What I have been focusing on is loving me, using only “feeling statements” and circular dating without exclusivity.

    I was in a 6 month relationship – things appeared to be fine, He would bring things to me – ideas etc – planning for longer term I guess what I thought was a relationship. Then one day out of the blue he came over and said “I’m emotionally overwhelmed with my dad, sister, ranch and am breaking up with you.” I never saw it coming.

    That was almost 2 months ago. Since then I have been doing what I mentioned above. I don’t call, text, or Facebookmessage him, BUT he texts & Facebook messages me 5-10 times a day: :What are you doing? Where are you going? Are you on a date? Who are you with???? I’ve told him that I am not interested in a casual boyfriend situation, I’m looking for a lasting commitment leading to marriage and when he showes up then and only then will I become exclusive. When asked my sexual intentions with my dates, told him the next man I sleep with will be my husband.

    He has not seen me or attempted to see me since he broke up with me. I did tell him I felt like a bandage was ripped off my heart every time I saw he had sent a message or called me to explain myself, and to please stop until he figured out what he wanted from me. That lasted 3 days – that was a month ago.

    I’ve been practicing what’s in the books, but he’s NOT coming back but he’s not going away either. Any advice?

    Jennifer



  376.  #376Rori Raye on May 4, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Jennifer – You’re doing great. Please Circular Date in earnest and drop this man completely. If he shows up big time, he’ll show up, and you can make decisions. Right now, he’s being useless to you, and a drag on your heart. Love, Rori



  377.  #377Jennifer on May 4, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Thanks for the reply. I guess that’s what I’m asking, how to do that? I’ve already blocked my Facebook, and again yesterday told him via txt that when I receive messages I feel sad. And to please stop. Unless/untill he wanted more than to be my txting babysitter. This morning I was greeted with “how’s your weekend hope u are doing well. And what he was doing.” I feel like tearing my hair out.



  378.  #378Jennifer on May 4, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Thanks for the reply. I guess that’s what I’m asking, how to do that? I’ve already blocked my Facebook, and again yesterday told him via txt that when I receive messages I feel sad. And to please stop. Unless/untill he wanted more than to be my txting babysitter. This morning I was greeted with “howl’s your weekend hope u are doing well. And what he was doing.” I feel like tearing my hair out.



  379.  #379Jennifer on May 4, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Thanks for the reply. I guess that’s what I’m asking, how to do that? I’ve already blocked my Facebook, and again yesterday told him via txt that when I receive messages I feel sad. And to please stop. Unless/untill he wanted more than to be my txting babysitter. This morning I was greeted with “hows your weekend hope u are doing well. And what he was doing.” I feel like tearing my hair out.



  380.  #380Jennifer on May 4, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Dear Rori,
    Thanks for the reply. I guess that’s what I’m asking, how to do that? I’ve blocked my Facebook, and again yesterday told him via txt that when I receive messages I feel sad. And to please stop. Unless/untill he wanted more than to be my txting babysitter. This morning I was greeted with “hows your weekend hope u are doing well. And what he was doing.” I feel like tearing my hair out.



  381.  #381Angelique on May 6, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Dear Rori,
    im all kinds of new to this blog but i can pick up on alot of useful things and advice from this. but in my own right i have so many questions and concerns about my own problem im just not even sure where to start… ๐Ÿ™

    i love my ex with every fiber of my being and some how or another i feel that he is the one. sadly enough 2 year relationship i feel has failed and i partly blame it on myself. i felt ” heart break” one night and as my mother has always told me
    ” trust your instincts, they r usually right”
    so in doing so i confronted him and told him that i felt as though he was cheating on me or in the process of said action, thinking that he would know that i truly valued our relationship and wanted to work through it. that was 2 months ago….
    ever since i had mentioned that to him he became more and more distant n at one time i had to tell him that i was too sick to come and see him and if he could come to me. he refused stating that there was an uncomfortable vibe from my home. i over looked it and said maybe next time he will and i felt really stupid for telling myself that i knew better but because i was so in love….. you all know the deal.
    one day i had had enough of being put off and stated that if i was going to keep being ignored, maybe i didn’t need to be his girlfriend. NOT STATING THAT I WAS BREAKING UP WITH HIM….. just saying i needed to be acknowledged more. i didn’t talk to him until i had calmed down and i feel by that time the damage was done. i called him a day or so later and he then proceeded to tell me that he had a new girlfriend and they had so much in common and he was taking her to the prom… ( not gonna dive into ages here, but when he sent me a picture of the two of them together which was very childish of him, the only words that screamed from my head was “jailbait”)
    on top of that this is stemming from multiple emails because i just cant face him in any form.
    i feel so betrayed and used and more vulnerable then ever before in my life. one thing that stuck out witch i think is a sign of false hope is ” we are not getting back together any time soon” and him also saying ” i want to be friends nothing more nothing less” now in my four years of dealing with him, ( 2 years friends, 2 years dating), i off the bat said no to being his friend cause he uses his friends when he has fallen hard on his ass n has no where else to go. i refuse to be used like that. he alienates every one but his parents who truly love and care for him.

    but he never said never….. but he feels as though i am a better friend then lover. a two year relationship.. he loved me… loved me so much he bought a ring and told all his friends and our co-workers he was going to pop the question! yea….. gave it to me and never asked…. hes been dating this new person for 3 weeks and he loves her… am i missing something?! i express my feelings in ways i have never done before and have completely let all of my walls and defenses down… hell all the male energies had completely disappeared from view. yet i am being tossed into the friend zone…. and i feel the saddest part from all of this is i know he is not a toxic person, but i still would like another chance to be with him. after reading some articles on this site and hearing others, i realized that i have already made a HUGE mistake by simply contacting him and pouring my emotions out. now insult to injury is my older brother wants to help mediate a conversation between him and i ( only cause he cares and he know im more fragile than i have ever been).

    Rori, i am at a loss. i would like closure and be able to move on but on the same hand i want him. i feel for the first time in my life emotionally involved with some one( no defense at all) but i feel that its the same reason i have drove him off.
    with that note i dont want to move on and have him pop back up like some of my other relationships happened. ive been through 4 years of a toxic relationship ( off and on) that pushed me to the point of suicide attempt’s 3x’s. i cant and wont have that anymore. thats how i know i was in a bad place. but with him, never! he was there for me on more levels than any other person i had been with. he’s a best friend and lover in one. i just kinda wish i knew why he did what he did. i was never completly worried about commitment but… ( 2 engagements later) leads me to false hope. there must be something about me that sparks the urge to fully commit to me, but it never happens ๐Ÿ™ and im saddly loseing hope on ever getting married. if this is how it could end then i want no part of it
    im proud that i have made progress. im some parts that is the boost i need to get out of alot of my daliy depressed moments i feel better about myself that i have stopped crying over spilled milk… even if it is just for a week or two. but like i said i want another chance with that spilled milk.

    any suggestions on how to keep moving forward and maybe have a possibility with him ( if he comes back)



  382.  #382KC on May 14, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have what to me seems a strange situation and yet I wonder if it’s becoming more common.
    My husband of 23 years came to me one day and asked if it would be ok if he and a co-worker (someone I had had over to dinner a few times and was friendly with) could be more than friends and become intimate. At the same time, he assured me that they hadn’t done anything yet and that he didn’t want to lose me. Also, he said that our relationship is still first priority to him (really?) and he loves me very much, yet feels that he is capable of loving two women at the same time and is polyamorous. And she is fine with this arrangement (being second). In anger I told them both that they could do what they like (discreetly for the sake of me and our kids) as I wanted out as soon as I could.
    Now I wasn’t happy with our relationship for a few years before, as I felt him being less and less a part of our family and I know that I was going between telling him that I needed more (he said earlier that he felt there was no problem) and pulling away myself.
    When this happened I was angry and scared to death as I was just 51 with two kids nearing college and had been a stay at home mom for the last 18 years.
    At the same time I was dealing with issues with my oldest child and the sickness and death of a close family member I was caring for, so I just wanted as close to status quo as I could get. My hope was also that he would change his mind. We stayed in the same house but have separate bedrooms.
    A couple of times we did talk about going back to our “normal” marriage yet he told me he was worried about her feelings and that he wanted me to “tell” him to leave (like I’m his mom???). I told him he had to be a man and decide for himself. It felt as if he wanted a guarantee with me before he would end it with her.

    Though I still feel love for him and wish that we could stay together as a family, I feel distrustful of getting back with him and rebuilding our relationship when he hasn’t ended it with her yet and is asking me to tell him to do so. Does this seem ridiculous to anyone else as well?

    Thanks for your help!



  383.  #383Rori Raye on May 15, 2013 at 9:03 am

    KC – This is a powerful situation – and if I was to talk with you personally – I would be amazed that you care that he wants to have a sexually intimate relationship with another women – when he doesn’t have one with you, and it seems you don’t want that. And, in my book – he gets super gold stars for bringing the situation to you rather than just cheating and lying. The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman. No one says we have to be married. No one says we have to be in a relationship. Certainly no one says we have to be in a relationship with a man.

    AND if that’s what we want – then romance and sex is part of the deal. Otherwise, you’re just in a friendship – and that seems rocky, too, in your situation.

    Have you seen the film Hope Springs, with Meryl Streep? Pretty powerful.

    Please, please don’t shut him down. Please work with the ebook and Modern Siren. Please rethink what you want in this life, right now. Do you want to have a threesome? Do you want polyamory? Do you want a man at all? Do you want to be alone? Do you have meaningful work you can do? Are you prepared to change your life around 100%? You can fix this – and it’s going to take a huge leap and some new skills, a willingness to walk away, and a willingness to embark on something new. If this other woman is too embedded in his mind and heart to let go of…then your options are limited.

    I almost never put this link on the blog in a comment or post – but if you work with the book and Modern Siren, Love Scripts, and whatever you can, and you want to work with me for an hour – here’s how you book a phone or Skype session, and we’ll explore what it is you really want and put together a plan to get it: http://www.coachrori.com/private-coaching/

    I’ve turned this into a post…Love, Rori



  384.  #384KC on May 15, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Thank you Rori for your help.

    I have your complete program and am working through it and have been for awhile and the feeling messages have helped so much as well as stepping back and doing so much less. I didn’t realize that I was taking all the responsibility for pretty much everything, relationship, home care, children/education, everything. Then when my mother became deathly ill and I was exhausted caring for her and my family and feeling angry that he wasn’t there for me and now found someone else…well you get the picture.
    It seems that I gave the impression that we were not having physical intimacy and I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. It confused me that he went to this other person because he said that the sexual part of our relationship was good for him and in fact he said that I was still number one for him in all areas (just placating me?) and this was the same for me too as our physical intimacy was always a good part of our relationship. Yet for me I was pulling away emotionally and feeling more like I was having sex to satisfy an appetite than to connect to someone I was close to.
    In fact, after he said he wanted to try poly, after the initial anger subsided a bit (about a month or so) I continued to have sex with him (safely and went to the ob/gyn) to try to see if I could do something to change his mind. I even tried to make him jealous by going out with another man (as he suggested I should), but he was ok with that because that just seemed to say to him that I was accepting of his poly lifestyle. I realize that while I wanted to be open to it, it’s really not me at all and can see that I’ve done it all to try to change his mind.
    The reason I moved to another bedroom was that in my heart I feel as if we are no longer married and to sleep with him every night was too confusing to me. So the sleeping apart and lack of sex is very recent, since I started to feel very weird about it all.
    If I hadn’t been in so much pain at the time it started I might have been able to make clearer decisions, yet with so many other heartbreaking things going on at the same time… as I said, I either held onto the status quo or tried to change his mind through behavior or asking lots of questions of why he chose this.
    His answer was that he didn’t feel he was making me happy so he thought if he gave me my freedom, I might find someone who could, on a part time basis because he doesn’t want our marriage to end and always wants me in his life.

    Sorry if this is confusing…it is for me too. This is all very embarrassing to me and it’s difficult to even put this on here.

    Thank you again for all of your help and work Rori.