When You Want To Explain – Teach Yourself To Keep Your Mouth Shut Instead

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loveNo one is worse than I at this.

If there’s a misunderstanding, I want to help everyone understand.

If something isn’t clear – I want to clear it up.

If people look puzzled, I want to explain.

If someone is explaining something to my man and he doesn’t understand – I want to explain it.

And if I open my mouth, I’m shooting myself in the foot.

What’s the answer here?

This has nothing to do with your man, with clarity, with being a good partner – it just has to do with OUR need to explain and fix everything.

It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the same time.

It’s about as far away from “geisha” as you can get –

And yet – would you really do that in the boardroom?

I mean – if the team leader wasn’t “getting it” – would you “help” him – or her?

If the president came to your office meeting and someone was explaining something to him – badly – would you “step in”?

If you did that – likely – it wouldn’t work out well for you.


It reminds me of something that happened in elementary school.

We were playing a kind of team basketball, but with no baskets – so it was like football, but with a big playground ball – sort of “keep away” on a team level – only I had no idea how to be on a team.

To me – if someone’s screwing up – I’m there to take over.

I’m the fix-it gal.

I instinctively wanted to take the ball from our weakest team member (and I wasn’t all that strong myself!) and take it to the goal.


(I actually DID do that once, and I created a situation in which I felt even MORE out-of-place and not-liked than I already felt.)

I actually live with that memory – and it helps me to forgive myself and not beat myself up – and it also helps me to remember so I don’t do that again.

Because, believe me – I want to take that ball from my husband and run with it.

I WANT to explain, clear up, fix – all of it.

And, I have learned to keep my mouth shut.

The moment I catch myself (or my husband catches me) starting to step in – I stop instantly, apologize, and take myself out of the room.  I go do something for myself.  I write.

Try it – when you feel like explaining, or clarifying, or fixing, or doing it and saving someone else the trouble, or making sure they don’t go in the wrong direction, or correcting anyone – take a step back.

Put your hand over your mouth.

Let the other person get it done (or not…) and see what happens.

Let your man walk in his own direction.

See what happens.

Notice what’s going on with you, inside you, while this is happening, and see if you can monitor your anxiety.

Breathe into your belly.

Surrender into your pelvis.

Be a flower and just enjoy the air.

Let me know how that feels!

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Queenbee on April 23, 2012 at 6:43 am

    YAY!! It’s me!! I’m on top of the world!!! YAY!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Hello lovely Sirens on Siren Island! 🙂

  2.  #2Queenbee on April 23, 2012 at 6:53 am

    It’s our overwhelming need to make people “get it” – even if it means showing them that they’re stupid, infantile, immature, and dense at the same time.

    I absolutely love this! I may not jump in and try to explain to people, but I do feel awfully triggered by people’s ignorance. I’m still working on being more tolerant… Mmmh, getting there.. slowly but surely 🙂


  3.  #3Mochaberri on April 23, 2012 at 6:58 am

    WOW!!! I must say that even though I have not read the entire post – just the title alone is so fitting to my experience with KR this weekend. I’m sitting here feeling the need to explain to him why I was acting funny towards him. Now I’ll let that feeling go and leave things the way they are. I also feel that I should not have to explain myself not because I think he is a mind reader but because we have had more than enough conversations about the dynamics of our relationship there is nothing more that needs to be explained regarding my behavior towards him. I know that I experience triggers and need to sit with the feelings that come with them rather than explain.

  4.  #4Silver Moonbeam on April 23, 2012 at 7:15 am

    I have an overwhelming need to fix things, to explain, to “help” people to get it, to overfunction really………….

  5.  #5Nadia on April 23, 2012 at 7:18 am

    I find that I sometimes have to explain myself to feel heard or understood by my man. Is Rori saying that I have to learn to live with not feeling understood? Because it feels icky to me when I’m not feeling understood.

  6.  #6Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Daria, Starla,Gingersky, Silvermoon, Memulo, etc and everyone else who replied to me yesterday thank you sirens

  7.  #7Calypso on April 23, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Wow! I do this all the time! At work, at home, in social settings . . . It’s like I think I am there to intrepret what everyone else is saying for the people who just don’t get it . . . yikes! Stop that! I need to take this advice with me on my trip to the beach with GM this weekend FOR SURE!

  8.  #8Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I love this article….
    I remember reading somewhere in Rori’s stuff that explaining is a form of controlling…and that is very masculine energy. I’ve been practicing at work and elsewhere not explaining myself.

    My Mom does this soooo much. It is very micro-managey and can make the person feel like you think they are an idiot if you’re explaining every little thing.
    I catch myself doing it and it’s annoying. I’ve gotten better though.

    Thanks Rori for bringing this up.

  9.  #9Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I’ve realized when I need support or affirmation and I reach out, I want instant results. I want an instant call back or an answered call, and I get this really bad sense of urgency (for ex. yesterday how I was feeling spiralling into hopelessness). I feel a little better today, but family stuff has really been triggering me and I don’t like it.
    Yes it’s perhaps coming up to heal etc etc but some things I feel are just unnecessary pain in the a$$ situations that just dont help at all and it’s stuff over and over that happens and it’s just a nuicance. I don’t know how much healing or learning can come from crap that keeps coming up all the time and nothing ever changes or improves.
    I just want to get away from it so I don’t have to keep processing it over and over (i.e. my need, feelings not being acknowledged/honored over and over).

  10.  #10Queenbee on April 23, 2012 at 7:56 am

    @689, 692. Aww (((((GivingGirl)))))

    Haha… I feel the need to explain… but I won’t. I guess it just does not matter what a man says in certain contexts, it’s what he does. I wouldn’t even be bothered to analyze. I’ve noticed some men say certain things like ‘oh a woman should call them’, then if the woman calls, they’re turned off. I just listen these days and say ok. It’s listening at level 2 – not judging, adding, convincing or arguing. At the end of the day what I trust are my boundaries…and no matter how much he does whatever, my boundaries will dictate what happens.

    If I feel heard, cared for and loved in a conversation and I can make a speech that doesn’t make him wrong… that’s the milestones of practice that I need and makes me feel happy and more confident. The outcome is irrelevant.

    Though I do believe he will come back. He always does… maybe he won’t this time… but I highly doubt it. The attraction is growing stronger…lol… yummy pie, water….

    OMG! So sexy and all… Guess what?? So he just called me. Turns out he’s came down with a stomach flu after he saw me 🙂 Probably coz he kissed me and I was coming off of something…

    Anyway, he’s sooo HA – ‘Hot&Amazing’ lol….

    So back to me… waterwheel… yes, waterwheel 🙂

    Here’s a quick one – I’m wondering what do Sirens think of paying for a dating site. I’ve been enjoying my foray into match.com and I would like to take a step further, but I don’t want to pay for it. It just feels like such a commercial/ capitalist way of finding love… though capitalism in small doses is okay for me. I’ll probably end up paying for it. More like a fun thing to do…. I know there are some free sites… I’m on a couple… perhaps I’ll try POF, not sure if I need to pay… but I’ll see…. Sirens, what do you think about paying?

    Thanks GingerSky for the Etta James song ‘At Last’. It feels so good hear. Sometimes, it feels like the lonely cloud ‘wanting relationship feeling’ is just over my head… but it’s a real phenomenon and natural part of our human existence as women. Though, just knowing that doesn’t actually make it easier.

    My reaction is to shun anything that could make me feel better…. and just focus on the pain, hoping that will bring the result, which I know it won’t.

    It’s loving myself, sinking into my painful feeling, going through the tunnel and channeling. But that takes practice and discipline, while moping has this pseudo-productive effect.

    Gosh, sometimes I feel like Maria Callas. I love her like crazy, but fear my life would end up like hers, as a recluse with unrequited love. Oh, that makes me feel so sad 🙁

    Going to take a bath and make myself feel Sireny before I get into my work.

    Love to all!


  11.  #11Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 7:57 am

    Recycled did return my call but I was busy doing stuff and didn’t see his message till later. I didn’t call back and I feel that he sounded annoyed in his message…and then I felt angry at myself for leaning forward. (Noticing pattern of being angry at myself for reaching out for help/support and then “annoying” people).
    It may be my imagination totally, and perhaps he does not feel annoyed by me but I’m just doing my own thing today and I feel let down that it took him so long to get back to me.

  12.  #12Calypso on April 23, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Queenbee – PAY! Match.com is a great way to CD and you are just investing in yourself when you do it!

  13.  #13Queenbee on April 23, 2012 at 8:07 am

    (((((Emerson))))) here’s some healing love energy for you.


  14.  #14Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Thank you Queenbee I feel supported 🙂

  15.  #15Queenbee on April 23, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Hey Calypso – Cool beans! I’ll do it 🙂 Feels so interesting.

    I’ve put my location to my former country, which I loved and the men showing up are sooo good. I feel great. I figured to solve my situation, I could be a tad bit unconventional and attract a man from afar. After all, it’s not impossible, nor would it be the first time. Who knows??? 🙂

    I feel open to the possibility of finding love. I’ve always wanted to live in two places at once -International Moonlighting – that’s what they call it 🙂

    I love, LOve, LOVE having OPTIONS!!! YAY for OPTIONS!! It’s the best thing on the planet! 🙂 YAY!!


  16.  #16Starla on April 23, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Yes, explaining is what pushed me and CF over the edge into splitsville. I could have just said “oh i feel so sad about getting rejected from grad school…i’m just all over the place.”

    instead i EXPLAINED to him why he was being a d*ck since i just got rejected from grad school. and he walked away.

  17.  #17GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 8:35 am

    @8 & 9 Emerson

    I explain, correct, need to be understood and I think it is a way of controlling and I’m a perfectionist, so I think a bit of judgment is involved too, high expectations. I also feel an urgency for instant replies from people. I don’t like waiting because then my NVs start up big time.

  18.  #18Princess Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 8:37 am

    This is so fitting.
    I feel lately I have been trying to ‘help’ my boyfriend with his problems too much and it’s stressed me out, stressed him out and caused us more problems.
    I just want to be involved though, I thought as a couple you worked through things together..

    It was my boyfriend who said we would ‘have a good chat’ when he got home from work yesterday as he didn’t want us both feeling like this.
    That never happened as we get on so well sometimes it’s hard to bring up the negative.. anyway I brought it up today.

    We ended up kind of talking about things that are going on. I said he seems to have a ‘not bothered’ attitude to our relationship lately. He says I seem to do things sometimes like say ‘I’m going home’ etc for a reaction and when he just complies without a fuss I get frustrated and say he’s obviously just ‘not bothered’. It’s like I just want attention. (I guess this is manipulation on my part in some way because I WANT him to be bothered, to show emotion, to make me stay..)

    He’s loving, he loves to cuddle and on and off he’s affectionate.. He has a lot going on all the time but deep down I know he loves me, he just goes from being really loving to this ‘not bothered’ attitude.
    Does he just follow my attitude and feelings and react? Like when I’m busy and havnt got time to overthink or focus on him too much he seems to be more loving.

    I wish we could talk properly. It seems so hard and I’ve never had this before in a relationship. I bottle things up to much and it’s meant I have been so moody lately.
    I try and think about using ‘feeling messages’ but I really struggle to the put words together.

    I’m just rambling.. Any advice would be appreciated..

  19.  #19GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 8:41 am


    Yes, explaining was my problem too, after I made him wrong, instead of openly expressing my feelings. I also feel like I have to explain myself to Mr. Observant from Sat. I was actually thinking of sending him an FB message. I was standoffish and it had nothing to do with him. After reading this, I won’t. I have so much to learn.

  20.  #20Tam on April 23, 2012 at 8:58 am

    …yes but what if there really is a misunderstanding?
    Surely to talk about it is a way of clearing it up rather than letting it just sit there and ‘hope for the best’?

  21.  #21GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:07 am

    I keep replaying Sat. night in my head. My one guy friend said about his gf, “I just love her so much because she is so real.”

  22.  #22Emerson on April 23, 2012 at 9:11 am

    17 @ GivingGirl says
    “I also feel an urgency for instant replies from people. I don’t like waiting because then my NVs start up big time.”

    Me too GG. Thank you for relating to me. I would like to heal this. I feel less “mad” at Recycled for not replying to me RIGHT AWAY…now that I’ve calmed down a bit.

  23.  #23Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 9:16 am

    From previous thread:

    @771 Giving Girl – Thanks, Giving Girl. It feels good to have some empathy. It feels horrible to lose the trust of a friend I loved. 🙁

    @772 Giving Girl – I didn’t sense any over-reaction from you about Boatguy. How did not hearing from him make you feel? Do you feel more anxious as time goes by and you don’t hear from him? I can’t tell if you’re over-reacting without knowing how you’re feeling. Make sense?

    and really, since you are the one feelng your feelings and not me, only you can make the call as to whether or not you are “over-reacting.” and even if you were to determine that you were “over-reacting,” wouldn’t that kind of be judgmental of yourself? It’s okay to feel intense feelings! Even if they’re bad! When I show my guys my negative feelings, especially when it comes to how they are treating me or not paying attention to me, they love it, because it shows that I care. Don’t be afraid to over-react! I feel like your usual pattern is under-reacting or stuffing down your feelings!

  24.  #24GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:19 am

    @21 Emerson

    I want to heal that too. I feel like my emotions put me on a roller coaster ride. I had a friend tell me once that I’m too passionate about things. He was referring to my emotions. However, my emotions are more internal and then when they build up really bad, I’m like a volcano exploding. It’s not good.

  25.  #25Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 9:24 am

    From Previous Thread:

    @773 Lucy – I feel so bad for you. 🙁 I told my-so-called friend about Rori Raye, though not about the blog and I feel like an idiot for doing it. I can tell she hasn’t subscribed to the emails or bought any of the programs, but she has the internet now and I’m really scared she’s going to find the blog and just steal CDs from me right and left. Honestly, would it be “wrong” for her to steal CDs from me? No, not unless she was manipulative and using me to do it. But that’s what she’s been doing… 🙁

  26.  #26Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Giving Girl…thank you from the other thread. 🙂

    I believe the water wheel tool is in the Tool Kit and it’s probably in Modern Siren as well. We picture a water wheel (men) flowing “love” to us and filling us up ALL THE TIME no matter what. So when we start feeling anxiety over our men..we can turn and picture a bunch of men flowing love, admiration, adoration etc towards us. It really helps me. It’s choosing to believe “good feeling thoughts” over “bad feeling thoughts”. 🙂

    I feel good explaining the water wheel 🙂

    But I don’t explain to my man 🙂 Maybe the difference is the “vibe” or reason behind the explaining….actually GG specifically asked what it was…

  27.  #27Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:29 am

    ((((((Lucy))))))…wow…that feels terrible (that you feel violated like that)…I cannot imagine anyone here doing that. I just don’t believe it would ever happen. I’m wondering if there is another possibility?…..

  28.  #28siren song on April 23, 2012 at 9:31 am

    i feel sooooo happy today!!

    i love that it’s not cold outside anymore and i feel excited for guitar lessons!

  29.  #29Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:33 am

    ((((((Starla))))))…I’m not sure if this will help you feel better…but John Gray in “Mars and Venus on a Date” has a chapter called “Why men don’t call”.

    And I’ve asked for a few refunds on ebooks when I thought the content was unsatisfactory…I know you asked that question a little while ago.

  30.  #30Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 9:33 am

    I was about to explain something to Jack CD over a text, and then I stopped myself because I noticed what I was doing. feel so glad I stopped myself!

    I find myself “suggesting” to seenmecryCD occassionally. Saying stuff like “you should’ve…” just in a joking way, but still…I feel sad.

    This post kind of makes me feel sad.

    It makes me feel like I have to be less than I am with a man, and that feels icky! I know Rori tells us that “being less than a man” is a misconception or whatever, but I just can’t help but feel like I’m losing a little bit of my power when I stop myself from saying something and let it be his idea or whatever.

    It reminds me of when smart, beautiful, brilliant Samantha Stephens on Bewitched lets husband Darrin take the credit for ideas she “helps” him with. It just feels like a disservice to her…

  31.  #31siren song on April 23, 2012 at 9:34 am

    lucy, that feels scary to hear about your man emailing about the blog.

  32.  #32GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:34 am

    @22 lamabutterfly

    Yes, it does feel bad to lose trust in a friend.

    I feel sad, unimportant, forgotten, like he’s moved on & doesn’t care. Yes, I get more and more anxious as time goes on. I start to feel angry. It’s been 5 days and I would guess he got home on Sat. He can’t even send a text to let me know he’s home. Before he left he said he would see me when he got back. Why can’t I just let that be enough and wait for that? Why do I have to get all anxious and upset, when he was on vacation? That is what I mean by overreacting.

    Yes, I do under react and stuff down my feelings, but I’m referring to my feelings that are inside of me, not that I have overreacted towards him. The feelings I keep hidden. I know I should let them out, but it doesn’t feel safe to do that. Like, here we go again, drama.

  33.  #33Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:35 am

    Queenbee….I would pay for Match too 🙂 I loved having tons of CD’s 🙂

    Siren Song yay!!!!

  34.  #34siren song on April 23, 2012 at 9:37 am

    i feel like a flower enjoying the air!

  35.  #35Princess Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 9:38 am

    I wish I could stop over analysing and over thinking everything..

    I wish I could get out of my head..

    I wish I could put into words what I feel and express it..

    I wish I could feel better about myself.. I know I’m very attractive, I know I’m ‘a catch’.. I am always chased, I’ve got a great career ahead, I’m funny, good family, I’m loving, caring, kind.. in fact people say I’m ‘too good’ for my boyfriend (not a sentence I agree with about anyone myself)
    ..so why do I feel insecure and sometimes ‘not good enough’ for him or like he’ll end it and find someone else at any moment..?? Shouldn’t it be the other way around if anything haha

    It’s madness.. This guy loves me and my insecurities are ruining it..

    I need to feel stable and secure in a relationship.. In previous I have had outward expressions of love and was completely different as I was safe in the knowledge I was loved.. Too loved.. I lost my feeling for him.. It wasn’t right for me..

    This relationship I love him so much, it could e perfect.. is this the problem.. Im scared what will happen.. he isnt as expressive.. This causes me to second guess all the time.. It’s draining.. Why can’t I just accept he loves me and stop worrying.. Silly eh..

    I wish I could just be happy in the relationship as it’s probably the above that are causing the problems and I’m trying to make all the problems about him.. Not that he’s an angel mind haha

  36.  #36Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 9:41 am

    I wish I could stop over analysing and over thinking everything..

    I wish I could get out of my head..

    I wish I could put into words what I feel and express it..

    I wish I could feel better about myself.. I know I’m very attractive, I know I’m ‘a catch’.. I am always chased, I’ve got a great career ahead, I’m funny, good family, I’m loving, caring, kind.. in fact people say I’m ‘too good’ for my boyfriend (not a sentence I agree with about anyone myself)
    ..so why do I feel insecure and sometimes ‘not good enough’ for him or like he’ll end it and find someone else at any moment..?? Shouldn’t it be the other way around if anything haha

    It’s madness.. This guy loves me and my insecurities are ruining it..

    I need to feel stable and secure in a relationship.. In previous I have had outward expressions of love and was completely different as I was safe in the knowledge I was loved.. Too loved.. I lost my feeling for him.. It wasn’t right for me..

    This relationship I love him so much, it could e perfect.. is this the problem.. Im scared what will happen.. he isnt as expressive.. This causes me to second guess all the time.. It’s draining.. Why can’t I just accept he loves me and stop worrying.. Silly eh..

    I wish I could just be happy in the relationship as it’s probably the above that are causing the problems and I’m trying to make all the problems about him.. Not that he’s an angel mind haha

  37.  #37GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

    @25 Jilly thank you for explaining 🙂

    I will have to try that. I need to overcome my negative thoughts.

  38.  #38Starla on April 23, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Jilly, yeah, I’m going to ask for a refund for both. I feel scared to ask!!

  39.  #39Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Uggg…I feel triggered. I always feel so angry at men who get girlfriends and thus feel more confident and less intimidated by me, and then proceed to flirt with me and try to get my attention more than they ever did when they were sans-girlfriend. This hasn’t happened to me as much since starting the programs, but it’s still a triggering issue for me, and I feel like this is what is happening with me and seenmecryCD. I don’t even want to talk about what happened this weekend with SeenmecryCD. I feel angry and exposed and guilty about it…

    Maybe it’s easier for me to open my heart when I feel less threatened by the men with girlfriends?

    Like, they have a girlfriend, so I don’t feel threatened by them? Like, they can’t hurt me because they have a girlfriend? They’re not an option so I can relax around them and let my guard down more?

    Hmm…I’m seeing a pattern. I feel like I’m accusing men of feeling intimidated by me when really I’m the one who feels intimidated.

    maybe I subconsciously show my interest more once they get a girlfriend because I feel less scared because I know a break-up will have to happen before they pursue a real relationship with me.

    Like, having feelings for semi-taken men is a way for me to have interest in men, and to interact with men without risking my heart, or having to experience any kind of real intimacy?

    I feel sad about this. But I also feel curious. I also feel hopeful…

  40.  #40Goodheart on April 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

    This is definitely something I do – maybe not so much explaining, but trying to control the outcome of things. I am really catching myself with this though. Even though I may feel completely justified at the time, I really try to take a deep breath & be quiet.

    We are working on a house project & decorating is “my area.” This particular thing we are doing is something I have done a couple of times before so I feel more qualified in a way. My bf had just done some of the project & I walked over & starting rearranging some of it. I saw the look on his face & went “Uh, oh well, I did that over there on my side & I was worried it looked too uniform.” He said, “I have it worked out.” Then I said, “Yes, it actually looks really good.” Then I just let him do his thing.

    I am very controlling with my house stuff so it’s been challenging, but I find that having a good relationship is so much more important & satisfying then trying to make things come out just exactly how I want them. And he really did do an excellent job! So I am humbled & also proud of myself for being able to release that need to control. Hopefully, it will get easier & easier until it’s just natural to be easy breezy about outcomes.

  41.  #41GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:49 am

    (((Lucy))) I feel bad reading about the email. I can’t believe someone here would do such a thing. We are all here for the same reason. There may be another explanation.

  42.  #42Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Starla…it does feel scary yet liberating.

  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 9:50 am

    oh my goodness I feel triggered every time I see a new name on here, wondering if it’s my so-called-friend…

  44.  #44Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 9:54 am

    My mom is an ultimate siren and I feel so grateful for her and how much I learned just from observing her.

    She does not try and control outcomes, or explain or DO too much and my step dad ADORES her. He is a very powerful business man and he gets insecure that he loves her more (so cute!) and they both love each other even more than when they met. They met online and have been married for 7 years.

  45.  #45siren song on April 23, 2012 at 9:57 am


    what do you want a refund on?

  46.  #46GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

    @37 lamabutterfly

    I feel interested by this post. I agree with you. I don’t feel attracted to a man because he has a girlfriend, but I do feel more relaxed and can open up easier if I know he’s not interested in me. It’s safer, I guess. I can be me and say whatever and not care because he doesn’t have the power to cause me pain.

  47.  #47siren song on April 23, 2012 at 9:59 am

    jilly, it must feel nice to have an example of a siren in your family.

  48.  #48Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @ 31 Giving Girl – on what you said…

    “Yes, I do under react and stuff down my feelings, but I’m referring to my feelings that are inside of me, not that I have overreacted towards him. The feelings I keep hidden. I know I should let them out, but it doesn’t feel safe to do that. Like, here we go again, drama.”

    I would really encourage you to explore the “feelings that are inside of you” because THOSE are your TRUE, AUTHENTIC feelings.

    I realize that you haven’t “overreacted towards him” but maybe this is something you can explore.

    You’ve admitted that you stuff your feelings down. Trust me, this is not a good idea, especially with a man you care about. What may happen, and what has happened to me is that you stuff, assume that he should know what you’re feeling when he doesn’t, and then EXPLODE when you’re triggered enough, and you will almost ALWAYS get to that point, especially if you care about the guy and fail to communicate your true feelings in the moment.

    This is what freaks guys out. Emotional outbursts about the past, about a past that you didn’t bother sharing with him because you were too busy stuffing down your true feelings rather than communicating them to him.

    Christian Carter says something about this being one of the most deadly mistakes that women make with men…

    It DOESN’T freak guys out if you share your intense feelings IN THE MOMENT you are feeling them. IT ONLY MAKES THEM FEEL MORE INTRIGUED. Trust me. It will feel scary and weird and you will feel like a crazy person at the first sharing of intense feelings, but you can tell him about how scared and nervous and shaky you feel about the mere act of sharing your feelings! That will draw him in as well!

  49.  #49Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Giving Girl, I’m assuming you are Circular Dating. If you are scared of sharing your intense negative feelings with a favorite CD, why not experiment with sharing your intense negative feelings with a CD that you are not as into? It will show you how well men respond to authenticity, and give you courage to open up to that special guy who is triggering you.

    and practice on the blog too! It’s fun. and it gives you courage. 🙂

    ((((Giving Girl))))

  50.  #50Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Giving Girl, one last thing: by failing to share your true feelings, you are being dishonest with your man in a way, and that can feel very disrespectful to him. (Respect is HUGE for men, trust me.) By failing to share your true feelings, you are essentially telling him that you don’t trust him enough to handle your true feelings. and that makes him feel like less of a man and pretty stinking awful. think about how you feel when you feel like he’s not sharing his true thoughts and feelings with you.

    I always hate it when men aren’t honest with me. Men don’t like their women to be dishonest or to keep things from them either!

    So, after reading my novel of advice, how do you feel? Routing for you, Giving Girl! You can do it!! 🙂

  51.  #51Starla on April 23, 2012 at 10:13 am

    siren song, the ex-back e-books I bought, lol.

  52.  #52Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 10:21 am

    This opening up and telling him my true feelings seems so scary to me

    I mean I tell him I love him etc.. but to tell him I feel insecure sometimes.. I feel upset because I need to know I’m loved, I feel sad and left out when I dont get told things.. I feel lonely sometimes at home on my own.. I feel scared that I’ll lose him.. I feel worried and try to act like a strong person and then I stuff down my feelings and sulk in a mood.. I say something for a reaction, I dont get the reaction I want and then I get angry or sulk more and then I feel silly..

    I feel like he’d run for the hills.. or he’d think he had me, I think he’d think I was weak.. or too emotional..

    Don’t we get told that guys like strong, happy, confident women?

  53.  #53siren song on April 23, 2012 at 10:22 am


    ha. yeah, get that $ back, girl.

  54.  #54Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:26 am

    @50 Slippin Goddess – you say you have a boyfriend. are you still CDing other men? It might help you…

  55.  #55GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 10:27 am

    @46: Iamabutterfly

    That is why I am here. When I try to explore my feelings I feel panicky, uptight, nervous. I think it will take me a while to get there.

    “You’ve admitted that you stuff your feelings down. Trust me, this is not a good idea, especially with a man you care about. What may happen, and what has happened to me is that you stuff, assume that he should know what you’re feeling when he doesn’t, and then EXPLODE when you’re triggered enough, and you will almost ALWAYS get to that point, especially if you care about the guy and fail to communicate your true feelings in the moment.”

    I know and I do this. I feel I share my feelings just not in a good way and not at the right time. I want to, but I clam up because I get so nervous. Sick to my stomach nervous and scared.

    Everything you’ve said makes a lot of sense. I never really thought about it that way.

  56.  #56Starla on April 23, 2012 at 10:29 am

    i am… i’m going to spend that money on teeth whitening lol. i’ve never had white teeth but i gave up smoking and coffee, so it’s more possible than ever!

  57.  #57Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I’m not always like that though.. I’m happy and confident and funny alot of the time.. I just get too hung up in my head and over analyse everything.

    I’m a true Cancer.. my mood changes are rediculous 🙂

    and no I don’t CD.. It seems strange with having a boyfriend..

    I mean I did I guess last weekend when I went out with friends and I was more happy and confident the next day.. It empowers you abit flirting and knowing you are wanted by other men.. but it’s only him I want..
    Is that what it is all about?

    Maye I should drag myself away from my man and do it more.. We do spend quite alot of time together!

  58.  #58Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @53 Giving Girl – aww, why don’t you feel like you share them “in a good way?” and why not tell your man how sick to your stomach and nervous and scared you feel? men feel these things too, you know. Maybe even more than us!

    You could say something like:

    I feel nervous and sick to my stomach and scared sharing this with you, but I feel jealous when you talk to that girl. I feel insecure and scared when you don’t call me.

    Personally, I struggle the most with telling a guy that I feel angry. My anger is so intense. Admittedly, I’ve never really told any of my CDs that I’ve felt angry, but I’ve allowed myself to feel my anger in their prescence, and even that was effective in creating a connection with them…

  59.  #59Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 10:35 am

    @ Giving Girl

    I’m exactly the same..

    Why is it so hard?

    I was in a relationship before where I was the opposite..

    I think it might be different now because I really love this one.. I really want it to work.. He isnt as openly loving as my ex and I cant talk to him as well about things and it makes me a bit insecure so I stuff my feelings down for some reason..

    Why cant I just be as comfortable as I was with my ex.. now the love is totally there!! haha Damn love!

  60.  #60GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

    @47: Iamabutterfly

    “Giving Girl, I’m assuming you are Circular Dating. If you are scared of sharing your intense negative feelings with a favorite CD, why not experiment with sharing your intense negative feelings with a CD that you are not as into? It will show you how well men respond to authenticity, and give you courage to open up to that special guy who is triggering you.”

    I am, I guess, but BoatGuy is the only one I am “dating”, if that makes sense. I have a hard time sharing my intense negative feelings with anyone (especially, if it has to do with them). Mr. Observant from Sat. night was trying to get me to say what I want, what I feel, and he kept pressing me. I mean, he really wanted to know.

    I froze up and put up my walls. I felt so uncomfortable sharing. I barely know him, he was hitting on me, then asked about BoatGuy, trying to get me to open up about BoatGuy, actually said, this is not me hitting on you right now and tried again.

    I answered him with as little as I could get away with. And the whole time this is all going on, he has that look in his eye like he’s going to just grab me and kiss me. It was so hard to just feel relaxed. Even before that when he was just making small talk, I felt so nervous and uncomfortable because I knew he was hitting on me.

  61.  #61GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 10:41 am

    @48: Iamabutterfly

    Another very good point! 🙂 I guess I should try to put myself in his shoes.

  62.  #62Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @55 Slippin Goddess – yes, I would recommend CDing. that’s what it’s about: not getting too hung up on one man, and building your own confidence and self-esteem! I realize you want to be respectful of your boyfriend, but you can still “CD” in a way, by simply keeping your heart open to every man (and person!) that crosses your path. do you have any of Rori’s programs?

  63.  #63lk on April 23, 2012 at 10:46 am

    @Slippin’ Goddess… right there with you…. but i just keep trying & trying : )))) & i really Believe it gets better every day : )))

    awwww ((((men)))) feel bad for all the shxt….. but i swear i am trying to be a good partner & trying to improve….

    i think part of it is…… i am afraid. just in general. of everything.

    & another part is….. there are parts of myself i “hxte” & there are parts of myself i “wish to improve” or change…..

    but then i feel defensive & afraid to really really See those parts that i perceive as “in Pain” or “Suffering” & admit that they are part of me or something…

    anyway. real deep shxt.

    i’m trying : ) i will keep trying : )))

    & not for Any Man ! not even for a Good Man That I Love Who Wants Forever With Me — i do this for me, ok ? i live my life for me.

  64.  #64Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I feel scared again. I feel like I’m giving advice to women that I know in real life, and that they are going to betray me…

    how do I fix this? how do I fix these past hurts from women who have used me?

    I feel shaky and sad.

    I need a hug.

    I feel sooooo sad.

  65.  #65lk on April 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

    i started trying this mantra for breathing when i feel shaky….

    i love myself; i respect you
    i honor myself; i trust you

    & then i do feel much much better : )

  66.  #66lk on April 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

    ghetto simpson

    [Intro] This love shxt’s crazy
    (Ain’t it?) For real

    [Chorus] Girl, you know I must love you
    Look at all the things you put me through
    I know I do things too La-la-la-la-la-la-laaa
    I don’t know what to do Sometimes
    I get so confused
    Should I leave and find someone new?

    [Verse One]
    Sometimes you make me feel like a king
    Everytime I turn around my baby’s buyin me things
    Rockport boots, leather coats, hats, and jeans
    At this rate she’s sure to get a ring
    (But go!) Sometimes you make me feel real low
    Bickerin’ about the groupies and the hoes
    I know
    Smilin’ in my face at each and every show I throw
    Do you propose I go? I don’t know
    (But stay!) ‘Cause when I think that this won’t last
    I reminisce on how you helped me through shit in the past
    And all of a sudden things don’t seem so bad
    And I’m back gettin’ the xss (they ain’t stupid)
    You should go, we beef, you say it’s all my fault
    Like I’m the one responsible for every time we fought
    But when I’m packing up my shit you say we need to talk
    Now should I stay or walk?
    (I can’t help you on this one, man)

    Girl, you know I must love you
    Look at all the things you put me through
    I know I do things too
    La-la-la-la-la-la-laaa I don’t know what to do
    Sometimes I get so confused
    Should I leave and find someone new?

    [Verse Two]
    (Stay!) The other night we went to dinner to chill So we could talk about our problems and the way we feel
    Perfect therapy over a
    Red Lobster meal
    Now this is love for real (I like this, do your thing)
    (Then go!) But then you start trippin’ on some waitress shxt
    Like she was too friendly, you couldn’t take this shxt
    Playin’ me like a nxgga used to date the chick
    She tryin’ to make a tip (cut that bullshit out, man)
    (But stay!) After a drink or two, we chilled out
    And talked while the waitress brought the meals out
    We ate like grown-ups and talked it out I even held the door open when
    I walked you out (uh huh) (But go!)
    Before I knew it, she pissed again
    Mad ’cause I got up and slipped a ten
    She wasn’t actin’ rude, why you trippin’ then?
    Now you actin’ like a bxtch again (f**k that shxt!)

    [Chorus] Girl, you know I must love you Look at all the things you put me through I know I do things too La-la-la-la-la-la-laaa I don’t know what to do Sometimes I get so confused Should I leave and find someone new? La-la-la-la-la-la-laaa

  67.  #67GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 10:55 am

    @56: Iamabutterfly

    Because I’m not in control when I’m sharing them. I don’t share them how I want to, my words are all wrong, I’m rushed to just get it over with and my voice quivers and most likely I start to cry. And, by his reaction every time to run away, it’s because I share my feelings in a way that is attacking. It’s not intended, but that’s how it’s perceived.

    For example, our spat in Dec. was because someone implied he was out with another girl and it was more than just friends. This had been a girl he casually dated prior to me, but at the beginning. There’s a longer story here. So, instead of asking more questions or even just talking to him about it, I sent him a text saying what I heard and told him if this is what’s going on, he can count me out.

    After that, I regretted handling things that way and he pulled back and gave me the silent treatment.

  68.  #68lk on April 23, 2012 at 10:55 am

    lol poor men

  69.  #69Starla on April 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

    lol, that song;)

  70.  #70GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

    57: Slippin’ Goddess

    I don’t know. It’s me, but I don’t know how to get away from making things so much harder than they need to be. I don’t think I’ve ever felt completely safe with anyone though.

    If you could do it with your ex, then you have the possibility to do it again. How long did it take you to feel comfortable with your ex?

  71.  #71Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

    @65 Giving Girl – what’s the longer story? it sounds to me like you guys were on different relationship timelines. I feel like you were feeling exclusive with him while he was feeling open to options with you. am I right?

  72.  #72GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:02 am


  73.  #73Starla on April 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

    really important to stay committed to my new self-improvement goals, like going to the gym after work even though i feel beat up by life and just want to go home and smoke w33d and slump around.

  74.  #74LiliBee on April 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Since I’ve been practicing FMs alot, I notice myself feeling cold and mechanical when I get in “explaining” mode.

  75.  #75LiliBee on April 23, 2012 at 11:05 am


    My voice even gets monotone.

  76.  #76Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I don’t know how to talk to my so-called friend. I feel scared that I’m going to give her even more information to use against me by talking to her, but I feel like I’m going to make myself sick if I don’t talk to her…

  77.  #77Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

    #60 Lama butterfly – you give some really good advice, just reading the advice you are giving to Giving girl has so much meaning for myself and you are so right in what you say..

    I do have the ebook, I need to put it into practice..

    @lk good song.. this is me all over.. We get on so well, its like we’re perfect and then bamn, something will trigger me and I get in ‘a mood’ ..go all silent and pissed.. then later he gets it or I just slowy get over it..

    I know it’s the wrong thing to do.. I have spent too many hours reading relationship help to know what the ‘right things’ to do are.. Just when it comes to doing them my emotions override me.. and not for the better!

  78.  #78Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 11:16 am

    (((((((butterfly)))))) this looks like trying to control the outcome to me…what if you leaned back with her too?

  79.  #79Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Okay, I need to practice. Here goes:

    “I would like to know why you asked me if I was going to that place on Friday night. I was already feeling kind of angry and like you use me for your own social advantages, and if feels absolutely awful.

    I feel like you’ve been acting fake lately, and like you’ve been clingy with me not because you care about me, but because it keeps me from interacting with Jack CD. I feel like you use me to try to get closer to Jack CD. I felt so angry and sad when you flirted with him right in front of my face.

    I feel sad that I share so much with you and you don’t do the same with me.

    I feel stupid for trusting you.

    I feel so sad that I’ve done so much for you only to be treated as a some kind of tool to accomplish your own selfish desires.

    I feel like I can’t trust you, and I need some space until I’ve seen that you are trust-worthy.

  80.  #80Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

    @76 (((((Jilly)))) – Thanks so much for the advice. I’ve thought about leaning back with her, and that’s kind of what I’ve been doing, but when I run into her (which I always do,) she acts like nothing is wrong, continues to follow me around, uses me to get attention, copies me, and I just can’t take it anymore.

    I need to talk to her or it’s going to hurt my health, I swear.

  81.  #81Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

    #68 Giving Girl

    NO, I’m completely the same.. I mean we know what we’re supposed to do right? ..but then in the heat of the moment I just struggle to put it into practice..

    ..I either don’t say what I know I should be saying, as though there’s some fear there (maybe that’s because of how much I love him)
    ..or it comes out in an angry, childish outburst

    neither makes me feel good..

    ..so why cant I just follow the advice and say what I feel when I feel it, its so scary..

    My ex was outwardly loving, affectionate, worshipped the ground I walked on, would marry me, have kids, anything. I couldnt have been more secure and never had one relationship problem. I’d tell him what was what, never would I have ever had communication issues. I lost feeling though, I wanted something more.

    My boyfriend now I have all feeling for but he struggles to share feelings. I’ve seen glimpses of how he feels and hes even commented recently when he was abit tipsy on how he’s ‘besotted with me’ but he’d never say that sober. Although he says he loves me, he cuddles me, we spend all time together. Why dont I just feel secure? ..and therefore secure enough to share feelings

  82.  #82Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

    what does everyone think of of my message to my so-called friend in comment #77?

  83.  #83Starla on April 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

    lama, how about something much simpler,
    “hey girl, i feel a little silly even “going there,” but i noticed i’m feeling a little jealous and mistrusting with you sometimes. is there a time we can talk about this? you’ve been my friend for a while and i don’t want to keep feeling like this — it’s not fair to either of us!!”

  84.  #84Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

    butterfly….might as well…hell if it’s going to make you feel better 🙂

  85.  #85Goodheart on April 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Slippin’ Goddess, I do the same things. I just tell myself I’m still damn loveable & each time I learn a little & am able to slooow down & change the thoughts in my head so that I can change the words that come out of my mouth & the actions I take.

    It’s slow, but it’s working. The best thing I can do is love myself. Do it more & more each day so that I’m so in love with myself & life that I don’t depend even a little tiny bit on anyone else for my happiness. It’s freeing.

    And I really believe that each time I conquer one of these little episodes, they become smaller & less frequent because I give them less energy. When there is no energy left in them, POOF! They are gone.

    It’s universal magic 🙂

  86.  #86lk on April 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

    @Slippin Goddess 75

    all i can do is focus on myself, my own emotions, listening closely & honoring myself in a loving & respectful way…. (((lk))) (((slippingoddess))) (((men)))

    it’s ok. i’m practicing slow-ness. every time i feel the Heat rising up in me……. i make choices & talk to myself about it….. & try to do Right

    & it feels difficult sometimes, but i want to Believe what Daria said, that Right is Easy & Pleasurable : ))) ahhhhh huge sigh of relief – & “I Knew It !” : ))

    so i just keep going….. keep trying…. every time, i say ok, lk, keep trying : )

    another thing about sharing feelings.

    ummmm how to explain this…i have 2 minutes left on my “break” lol : p


    i am in the room & i feel upset, like “this movie is horrible & the girl is getting rxped & i’m freaking out !!!!!”

    I can stand up, storm out. this is bxllshxt ! why did you put that movie on !! you know i hxte that !!!! RARRRRR


    i can stay seated & say nothing, feel sad later, swallow pain & feel guilty & unworthy for not expressing


    i can say this is really fxcked up, in a really judgemental tone of voice, like, “why did you buy this movie you sicko”


    i can say

    aww… baby i feel scared & sad & sick…. i don’t want to watch things like this

    & ONLY the last option gives him the chance to stop the film, take you in his arms, & say, “ohhh baby….. i didn’t know…. i haven’t seen this…. i can fast-forward through this seen or we can just put something else on….. sweet girl, you shouldn’t have to see things like that”

  87.  #87Starla on April 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

    love is easy and effortless

    the details that follow are a bit more complicated

    but love itself is, in fact, easy and effortless. and i refuse to let any experiences deter me from this mindset. even though things did not turn out how i wanted them to, it still feels easy and effortless to simply love him, and anyone else. it’s not all about what i get in return, just the act of loving itself.

  88.  #88Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

    @79 Slippin Goddess- You say you lost feeling for your ex who had no trouble sharing his feelings with you and giving you everything you claim you want.

    now, with your current bf, you have “feelings” and he struggles to share feelings.

    I would assume he would struggle with giving you any kind of commitment as well, and thus you feel safe in the limbo of not sharing feelings, because it keeps you from experiencing true intimacy.

    I’m just guessing, because I have the same kind of problems…

  89.  #89lk on April 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

    *** disclaimer, i chose option 1 of freak out & leave the room

    *scene, not seen : p

  90.  #90Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Butterfly I wouldn’t send that…. Lots of blame and “you’s”. At least use the opportunity to practice real feling messages. (no you’s or implied you’s)

  91.  #91GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

    @69: Iamabutterfly

    “what’s the longer story? it sounds to me like you guys were on different relationship timelines. I feel like you were feeling exclusive with him while he was feeling open to options with you. am I right?”

    I’ve known him for 7 years and he’s always flirted with me. He would try to kiss me on the lips when greeting me and I would give him my cheek. He tried getting my number a couple times and it took me forever to give it to him. He would invite me out on his motorcycle and boat, but I made excuses cause I knew he was interested and I was afraid. He’s a guy most people would say is a player and to stay away from. He had a new girl on his arm often. So, I was afraid because I knew I would fall for him and get hurt. So, I stayed away.

    One time, I even told him he was too old for me. Last May, I tried fixing him up with my friend, she’s divorced with kids, and in a different place than me. At this point, he said, well, you’ve made it very clear you are not interested in dating me, so we will be friends. I felt bad because I did like him. I told him this and said I just feel like we are in different places. I want to be with a man who will show me the good, bad and ugly. I feel like you were head over heels in love with your ex-wife, she broke your heart and took a piece with her. I feel you are guarded. I want a family and kids. I said, he would unintentionally break my heart.

    He replied, he’s not guarded, just hasn’t found Mrs. Right and kids are a possibility after marriage. He also said, so all the other guys you’ve given chances to wouldn’t break your heart, but I would, so you won’t give me a chance and want me to date your friend so I can break her heart instead?

    I said, it’s not that I think you’re a heartbreaker, I think you’re a good guy and all those other guys did break my heart. At this point, I felt like I no longer had an argument because he was right. I’m not giving him a change and I’m allowing judgments to get in the way.

    He came out to meet my friend, she basically kept walking away from the table and he sat there flirting with me. He didn’t like her anyways, she wasn’t his type. He gave me a hard time about it as if I knew better and I apologized not for that, but because she really embarrassed me that night and was so drunk. He told me, he really went there to see me anyways. After that, we started hanging out as friends for about a month, and we both started liking each other more each time. Then, one night he kissed me, in the rain, while I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave and then he ran inside. I completely froze up.

    Again, I felt bad for how I reacted and felt like “explaining” myself. He was distant for about a week and then told me he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but when I just wanted to be friends, he dated this girl a few times. He had promised to spend her bday with her and she was coming in for the weekend. He didn’t know if he’d be seeing her again.

    I thanked him for being honest and telling me, but then I told him that he shouldn’t be kissing me when he’s dating her. I said, if you decide that you are not going to see her again, then I’m interested, but I’m only interested in dating and not an FWB situation. I told him I was a little mad and that’s when he back tracked and said, we should just remain friends so no one is mad. This is what he does every time I’m upset.

    A week later we were dating, so I assumed he was done with her. We never actually discussed it though.

  92.  #92Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:31 am

    @81 Starla – Thanks for the advice, but honestly, that feels a bit warm to me.

    I feel really angry and I’m so sick of it and I don’t feel like I want to continue this friendship, until I see a change in her behavior and character.

    I feel like I need space.

    I feel like I need a friend break-up…

  93.  #93Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:32 am


    Good analogy lk 😉

    I just need to remember to do the last one..

    I get so overwhelmed by my feelings and my mind works overdrive..

    As you say.. poor men haha

    and.. like now, when I realise how hard work I am sometimes (as he is aswell mind! 😉 ) I end up sending him a nice lil text.. like I feel like doing now..

    I bet he thinks Im bloody bi polar!! Its like a rollercoaster..

  94.  #94Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

    #83 Goodheart

    I hear ya! haha I will give that a try aswell.. anything helps right

    🙂 xx

  95.  #95lk on April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am


    because i have been Practicing, i was able to get to Soft Gentle communication quickly again… just saying…. sorry, baby…. & he already knew. & he said, baby those scenes are just as disturbing for me as they are for you. & he was all gentle on me, even though i “messed up” communicating about it…. & also i will do better next time : )

  96.  #96Goodheart on April 23, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Hi Jilly 🙂 I always love to see you posting.

  97.  #97GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

    79: Slippin’ Goddess

    I don’t know. I feel the same way. It’s just very scary for me.

  98.  #98Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:38 am

    @89 Giving Girl – Oh, Giving Girl. That feels so complicated and exciting, but not necessarily healthy. My High School CD seems similar to this guy…

    I don’t know what to tell you…

    I feel guilty that I don’t know what to tell you…

    I feel sad.

  99.  #99GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

    @77 lamabutterfly

    It feels harsh to me. I know how you are feeling, but are you trying to express your feelings and hope she understands and still have a friendship? Or do you want to not be friends anymore?

  100.  #100Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:41 am


    Lama I feel yes you are right in what you say..

    I guess I didnt really love my ex OR I knew how much he loved me so either way I was safe in being completely open and honest with him

    Now I really love my boyfriend but he isnt as open, he has 2 kids from 2 women already, he has other issues.. I know he loves me, we spend all our time together but he just isnt as open.. and thts what I want.. as bad as it sounds I wish he loved me like my ex did.. or maybe he does but just doesnt express it as well.. confusing

  101.  #101Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

    @88 thanks, Turquiose. I feel a little angry because I would honestly just like to bite her head off and give her a taste of her own medicine. or even just break up with her. but that wouldn’t be very productive, probably. Trying again…

  102.  #102Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

    @97 Giving Girl – I feel sad and angry and I feel shaky about still being friends with her.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need space. I feel like I would feel a lot safer with her if I saw changes in her behavior.

    but I haven’t seen changes. or I have, and they are not good ones.

    I feel stressed and sick in my stomach and tight in my chest…

  103.  #103lk on April 23, 2012 at 11:44 am


    i like reading what you said : )

    it feels a lot like what i wrote to Slippin’Goddess, but yours is much easier for me to understand (LOL – imagine that) thank you.

    & i find it particularly difficult to decide, “yes, i was wrong – in my assumptions/fears about the situation & in the way i managed my reaction…. HOWEVER – even though i have decided to try to Make Changes In Myself – i still love myself radically & unconditionally”

    i wanted to ask Star-la-la-la about that earlier too…

    how is it that Self-Love correlates positively with Self-“Improvement” ??? this does not make mathematical sense to me lol… but i see that it is true : )

  104.  #104Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I must apologise I keep saying Lama and I’ve only just realised its I am a butterfly.. All this relationship talk is sending me nuts haha xx

  105.  #105Starla on April 23, 2012 at 11:47 am

    lk, it’s like how when we show appreciation and positive reinforcement to our men, they keep giving us awesome, improved, step-up behavior.

    same thing, when we show love for ourselves even though we’re not perfect, it sets the tone just right for improvement:)

  106.  #106Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:48 am

    how do you say “I feel like you’re using me” without using “you?”

  107.  #107GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:49 am

    @ 96 lamabutterfly

    Both he and I have issues and that is the biggest problem of all. We are both great people and we have so many things in common and similar, more than any other guy I’ve dated, but we both have our fears and insecurities. I feel all those people are wrong about him being a player. I think he’s afraid of getting hurt again and that’s why he runs away and starts with a new girl, until the cycle repeats. I’m afraid of him running away if I show him all of me. We are both self-sabatogers, but we do have a connection that always seems to hang on. I just wish I could break past my fears and open myself up and then maybe he would feel safe enough to do the same.

  108.  #108Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:51 am

    I’ve been feeling used lately.
    I’ve been feeling copied and followed.
    I don’t feel safe being open and honest with you anymore.

  109.  #109GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

    @100 lamabutterfly

    I have to get back to work, but I’m going to think on this. I’m not sure what to say yet.

  110.  #110Starla on April 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Lama, it is a warm letter, because unless you’re really cutting off the friendship, it’s important to stay open to the possibility that she means well. if you don’t want to continue the friendship and can’t believe she means well, then don’t say “i FEEL like you are using me,” say “YOU ARE USING ME, and i’m done with this friendship.”

    but otherwise i recommend something more along the lines of, “sometimes i end up feeling a little used, and i don’t want to feel that way since we’ve been friends for a while, so can we please talk about this?”

  111.  #111GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 11:53 am

    @102 I thought it was Lama too! LOL

  112.  #112Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I’ve felt really uncomfortable. I’ve felt disconnected.

  113.  #113Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:56 am

    @108 Starla – Thanks. I feel like what I honestly want is just a break.

    Not a break-up necessarily, but a break.

    She is not being who I believe she could be, or the good person she used to be, and I don’t think I’ll feel safe with her until I see her being “the better her,” again, if you will.

  114.  #114Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:57 am

    how in the world do I communicate that?

  115.  #115Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I feel too sensitive. I feel tired of losing friends over my sensitivities. at the same time, I want more respect from my friends! Sometimes they just treat me like crap and for their own selfish means and I’m just so sick of it!

  116.  #116Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

    I feel so angry and sad and mistrustful! Mostly just sad…

    Oh I feel sad…

  117.  #117Starla on April 23, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    i dunno, first step is separating your own feelings from your thoughts/judgments of her behavior, though. it’s not your job to be the cold vanguard of personality right and wrong. it’s your job to speak your feelings.

  118.  #118Dominique on April 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Iamabutterfly – Way too long and way too filled with yous. Even though you feel angry, letting loose will not help you here. You won’t get the answers you seek, and you just won’t feel any better.

    You don’t really know what she’s up to. You’re making it up, and for all you know, it’s all lies. It could very well be your gremlins talking and creating here.

    Even if it’s all true, talking to her like this won’t help YOU in any way.

    I did like Starla’s take on it. Here’s another.

    “I’m feeling angry, confused, and just all around awful. It seems as though you have been flirting with my guy, and this feels horrible. I feel betrayed, and now I feel mistrustful.

    I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to feel this way, (and I don ‘t want to lose you as a friend.) What can we do here?”


  119.  #119Dominique on April 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Starla – #85 – yes!!! beautiful…


  120.  #120Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    I feel guilty for spamming the blog so much. I feel like crying. It would feel good to be held.

    I feel guilty because one of my guy friends gives really good hugs, and I love hugging him when I feel sad, and I hugged him in front of Jack CD and I feel guilty about that, because Jack CD isn’t as big as my guy friend and I don’t disappear into Jack CD like I do with my guy friend.

    I love hugging big guys that you disappear into!

    I don’t think Jack CD likes hugging very much. He’s only initiating hugs with me a couple of times. but man…he can turn me on like nobody else just by gently touching me or looking into my eyes!

    I feel guilty for admitting that.

    I feel a little turned on hugging my big guy friend.

    I feel guilty for admitting that because I don’t know if I could ever really be with my guy friend because…oh my gosh I don’t know why…

    I feel confused…

  121.  #121Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    @116 Thanks, Dominique! I really like your feeling message. It feels perfect.

    The only thing is, he is not technically “my guy.” He hasn’t asked me for a commitment. So he’s technically fair game, right?

    but I’ve told her so much about what’s happened between me and him.

    her sister is interested in him too, and so-called friend won’t flirt with him in front of her sister, even though it’s clear he’s not interested in her sister at all.

    but she’ll sure as heck flirt with him in front of me. which makes me feel unloved and used…

  122.  #122Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Iamabutterfly I like Starla’s suggestion. I even thought of suggesting “I feel judgemental” because that was how your comment hit my mind.

  123.  #123Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Iamabutterfly I would also practice using FMs without “like” after the feel.

  124.  #124Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    I feel scared of losing Jack CD over this.

    Like he’s going to see her handling her emotions so much better, and just leave me and pick her.

    he won’t see her bad side until long down the road, and then he’s going to want to come back to me and I’m going to feel too “second choice.”

  125.  #125Brandylion on April 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Hi sirens,

    I updated my OkCupid profile on Saturday, and one of the things I wrote is, “I like trying new things, especially if I feel a little afraid; I feel committed to personal growth, to stepping outside my comfort zone and either reinforcing that boundary or expanding it.”

    A guy emailed me with, “Hi- I’m . I’d be happy to draw you out of your comfort zone.”

    I replied, “I feel a little weird reading that.” I just didn’t know how to take it–was it supposed to be funny, a sexual innuendo, or what?

    His reply was, “Im sorry. I only said that because you said you were looking for something like that. I take it you find me creepy and want me to leave you alone ? ”

    So, would a reply be explaining? If not, how could I best construct a FM to ask him to clarify his intent?

  126.  #126Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    I’m crying. I’m so sick of being put on the backburner, because I feel so scared and because I’m still learning.

    Why can’t I be put on the front-burner for once? and recognize it when a guy has me on the front burner?

    Why can’t I ever respond to men in timely and appropriate matter?

    I’m so sick of being left…

    Jack CD has been so patient with me, and I feel like he’s just going to leave me for her and give up on me after all this time…

  127.  #127Dominique on April 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Iamabutterfly – It feels good that this resonated with you.

    Technically maybe yes he’s up for grabs, but an unspoken code between friends is hands off since you’ve been dating him. If a friend does not respect this, then she’s not much of a friend.

    If this has been a pattern with your friends though you didn’t specifically say so, then maybe it’s time for a new circle of friends. Maybe your work on you had you growing in a different direction than they. This can happen when you are doing deep inner work.


  128.  #128Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    @120 & 121 Feminine Woman – Thanks so much. I just love you…

  129.  #129Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    @125 Thanks, Dominique. I guess it has been a pattern. She is the third friend who has acted insanely jealous of me and tried to keep me from interacting with guys while she is with me.

    I feel scared and sad to find new friends…

    I don’t know who to trust. I wish I could trust someone…

  130.  #130Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Brandilyon I would tell him I felt weird because I started second guessing myself if I wanted to leave my comfort zone. I wouldn’t agree with anything he said it sounds too juggemental and like you have written him off already. Make the response about you.

  131.  #131Goodheart on April 23, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Lk, thank you. Sometimes I feel like I have all the answers inside me. Actually, I know that to be true. Absolutely anything I want to know – all I have to do is ask & the answer is revealed to me.

    It’s the putting it into practice that seems harder.

    And I get all balled up in this tight little knot of resistance. It’s simply just trying too hard. Once I let go & trust that it all will be ok, that’s when the resistance melts away & all the answers are not only there but they are easy for me to follow.

    And the answer always seems to be love.

    Lead with love.

    Even when you feel angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, petrified.

    Start with love. Loving yourself makes it easy to love others. And for them to love you.

    Ah, so simple.

    Hehe, until something makes us angry or sad or frustrated 🙂

  132.  #132Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    maybe I pick girlfriends who are similar to my mother? who love me deeply and show what I perceive as love by controlling me?

    I feeel saddddd.

  133.  #133Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Iamabutterfly I could be that your self confidence could use a boost. You don’t need to be competing with other women for men’s attention. You are a siren.

  134.  #134Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    I tried to talk to my mom about what I felt like was a an attempt to sabbatoge my relationships when I was younger.

    She listened, and was nice about it, but neither confirmed nor denied that she did that…

    I feel so angry and sad…

  135.  #135Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    @131 Feminine Woman – I think you might be right. and I feel sad. and I still feel scared that Jack CD is going to leave me because of my insecurity. I feel all these feelings and blame other people for them. When really, it’s all going on inside me…

  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I feel scared because he looked so uncomfortable last night and he wouldn’t look at me, but he glanced at her…

  137.  #137Mel on April 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    @ lk & Slippin’ Goddess

    (((poor men)) indeed!

    Yesterday I was having a ‘moment’. I let myself get too hungry and too tired and too busy and all I wanted was a hug and when he didn’t immediately deliver upon my arrival I broke down into tears.

    And then I was feeling so infantile that I couldn’t even speak my feelings and he was left all clueless… and honestly I could almost feel his energy go into shut-down mode.

    I sat there sobbing, with my head on his shoulder for a bit, and then I said some magic words. “I feel sad, but it’s nothing you’ve done…”

    I could feel his energy completely change and he squeezed me and held me and kissed me and then I asked him for some toast. He said: “Sure, anything you want baby…”

    And the toast made me feel 1000% better and then I was able to say how I was feeling. And he was very appreciative to learn how to handle future hungry/tired meltdowns and stated: “Next time you’re upset for no apparent reason, I’ll give you a big hug and some food… in that order.” I said “Thanks ____, that would feel perfect!”

    (((Mr. A)))

  138.  #138Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I feel so mad at myself for being so insecure!

    If I was truly secure, NONE of this would be bothering me at all and I wouldn’t have made an idiot of myself last night, I wouldn’t have left early last night, I wouldn’t have felt threatened by her at all last night. I shouldn’t feel threatened by her at all, ever!!!

    I am freaking amazing and that’s why girls get jealous of me!

    and it’s mostly because of THEIR own insecurity!!

    If every woman was secure in herself, none of this crap would happen!

  139.  #139Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    I want all these bad feelings to go away!
    I want to have a good, healing, sob session!

    My tears feel stubborn!
    I feel angry!

  140.  #140Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    @135 Mel

    Awww.. touching <3

    Men can be so cute ..and clueless! haha


  141.  #141Sun Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Music Man just climbed to the top of my list of favorite CDs! He took the morning off so that he could bring me lunch today…and then he invited me to go to a wedding next month!!! I’m starting to fall for him. Feel like I want to catch myself before I get hurt but I am resisting the urge and sitting back to receive whatever is coming my way.

  142.  #142Starla on April 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    i closed my one secure credit card to get back my deposit AND i opened up a second savings account for my savings goals…so now i have 3 months rent saved up and a big chunk saved towards a car! i feel so proud of myself! i have completely turned around my financial situation!

    and i got myself a healthy lunch and i feel so loving toward myself.

  143.  #143Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Iamabutterfly, thanks for your caring words. I’m sorry about your friend. 🙁

    To whomever wrote to my guy: He deleted your email, and all you did was make a man feel bad.

    I do still feel angry and sad that someone would do such a thing. I will probably never know “why.”

  144.  #144Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Jilly, thanks for the hug and compassion.

  145.  #145Starla on April 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    i told alaska i want to go hot air ballooning before i die, so he asked me if i would please be his date for that, and that we’ll go soon. nice! i love it!

  146.  #146Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Giving Girl and Siren Song – thanks. <3

  147.  #147Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm


  148.  #148Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I leaned forward this morning, still feeling all happy about our phone conversation last night and texted him something tender.. just one word. He replied later ‘Hi, more dr’s today’ – he is been sick with a flu for a week now. I don’t know what to do lol. That was a few hours ago. To ask how it was – I want to know, but don’t want to ask. Not to respond feels cold since he is sick. ‘Good luck!’ I already did not say;)

    Is it ok not to respond?

  149.  #149Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Starla, I LOVE this:

    “but love itself is, in fact, easy and effortless. and i refuse to let any experiences deter me from this mindset. even though things did not turn out how i wanted them to, it still feels easy and effortless to simply love him, and anyone else. it’s not all about what i get in return, just the act of loving itself.”

    I love that so much!!!!

    Thank you Starla!! <3

  150.  #150Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    Yay Starla! love action dates;)

  151.  #151Starla on April 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    aw, it feels so validating and special to read that other people like my outlook on love:)

  152.  #152Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I hang out with a bunch of guy friends on Tuesday nights sometimes. I feel excited and looking forward to it tomorrow. The guys make me feel so good…

  153.  #153Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Starla, I think I realized this morning why I feel so scared to call men back. I used to have a bfriend for a long time who would call and leave a very intense VM, but when I call back would be mean and cold to me. The absolute gem was when he called from a different country and said that he was sure he can’t live without me and asked me to marry him. I called back 2-3 days later, after a huge inner work and he said yeah I changed my mind. I think I was just lonely on holidays and bored. LOL

  154.  #154Starla on April 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm


  155.  #155lk on April 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm


    i feel you.

    i feel all this self-hxte & i’m really trying to love on myself….

    we went out to eat last night & i kindofsortof felt like his eyes were wandering (i looked behind me a couple times & just random bar happenings – humans entering & leaving… no salma hayek 5 feet behind me or anything lol…) but then at a point there was a cute waitress in a cute skirt & i felt he was really “tracking her” with his eyes….

    so…. even though i have been a little “difficult” the past couple weeks…….. i still wanted to honor my feelings, so i said to him, ” i feel a little weird when i feel like my man is watching another woman”

    & he goes, “when ?”

    LOL, so i say, oh just now, with that waitress, & he goes, oh, i want some blue cheese dressing

    & i started laughing & i was like, yeah… i really don’t feel that way with you ever….

    & then i just feel like a lunatic. because seriously i still am thinking to myself, ok well he wanted some blue cheese……. but still ! was he just staring at her long tan legs, imagining what faces she makes in bed ?

    i am horrible to myself ! wow, just recognizing those as “NVs” feels huge right now…. but i still feel like crying : (

    how silly !!!! how very very silly.

    & of course my instinct is to bring this to him… but i have already heard him say, you’re the only woman who touches me…. & i want to be faithful & i want a life-long relationship… & there will be people who are “more attractive” but that’s not what it’s about… & the “grass is always greener”……. & “there are other wonderful, beautiful women, but they are not for me. you are the one for me.”

    so how can i possibly think to bring this up to him ? that feels so disrespectful. at the same time…. i am all space-y because i feel so afraid.

    crying now imagining a) losing him b) how it must feel for him when i express mis-trust of him

    poor man & he is so sweet ! & usually he is not defensive (even when i am only just so-so on my communications) ! amazing !!!

    this morning he was making jokes….. i was saying how beauteous his eyes are… & he was joking, “oh yeah if i was a lady, oooh i’d be a slxt ! with sugar daddies galore” LOL

    well fun little me goes, “baby, your daughters are going to have those eyes, so watch it”

    & he goes, “oh, i’m not having any Girls – we’re moving to China before you get pregnant & all the girls are getting sent away”

    then he laughs… & waits… & he’s like “are you still here ?” (lol because we had been showering but i got out first)

    normal normal normal lk is like, “i don’t know what to say to you right now”

    & he is like, “say you love me & you’re excited to see me when you get home from work”

    & i go, “so you were joking ? that was a joke ?”

    & he’s like, “of course….. ”

    & i’m like, you don’t even know. people do fxcked up things & control their partners in fxcked up ways.

    & of course he said, well i wouldn’t date you if i thought you were capable of something like that”

    & i said, yes, i agree.

    & then he tried to “fix” the situation by discussing the different cultural scenarios that might give rise to such a dilemma

    LOL the poor poor man !!!!!!!! (((((((((cd)))))))))

  156.  #156Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Goodheart…awww…I feel smiley…I love your posts 🙂

    Starla…that’s exactly it..when we treat ourselves the way we treat men, with gratitude, appreciation and love..the possibilities are endless… 🙂

  157.  #157Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Mel…that feels so good to hear and soft and smiley 🙂 yay ((((Mr.A))))

  158.  #158Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Feeling a new wave of ickiness about someone writing him that email. Especially the lies…. I feel afraid he will believe the lies.

    I feel sad that a siren would do that.

  159.  #159Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Maybe I won’t ask what the dr’s said? Though if it were me I’d like a friend to ask.. I feel so stupid-)

  160.  #160Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Thanks for lettting me spam the blog, Sirens. I love you all. I finally feel peaceful and calm. Took long enough! 🙂

  161.  #161Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    He said that the reason he told me about it was so that I would know someone was breaking a confidence… so that I could be aware….. aware that someone was betraying me…. 🙁

  162.  #162lk on April 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm


    i’m sure it wasn’t a siren who only knows you from this site. probably someone in your “real life” who noticed somehow that you were posting here ?

  163.  #163Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    I wonder if she will write to him again, telling him that I am talking about the email on the blog.

  164.  #164Iamabutterfly on April 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    @153 lk – aww, I can totally relate to that waitress story. There are beautiful women everywhere. but he is sitting in front of YOU and treating YOU and spending time with YOU and choosing to be with YOU. let’s feed our NV’s some really good m&m cookie and icing sandwiches so they’ll shut up and leave us alone!

  165.  #165Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    LK, the only person in real life who knows I post here is Radlove (and i hope it wasn’t her!!!)

    There are some people who know me on both here and on facebook (and 2-3 who know him on facebook as well).

  166.  #166Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I am feeling challenged around all the love and help coming towards me.

    I was just talking to a colleague and had to admit that the finger that got the most damage is the one I hated most of my life.

  167.  #167Daria on April 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm


  168.  #168Daria on April 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm


  169.  #169Calypso on April 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Lucy – If he really cared about how this is making you feel, he would tell you who was doing it!

  170.  #170Starla on April 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    lucy, if he wanted you to know, wouldn’t he have saved the email and told you who it was from?

    i feel weird about this but i also don’t want to make you paranoider

  171.  #171Daria on April 23, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Lucy – he’s not telling you who it was?

  172.  #172lk on April 23, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    lol @ “paranoider”

  173.  #173Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Lucy who is Radlove? I have seen one siren talk about meeting and connecting with you outside the blog. It was not Radlove, unless she changed her name and I missed it.

  174.  #174lk on April 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    i think i’m fxcking “cool” – oh… lol… perhaps i don’t actually. that feels weird to notice. yeah i guess i think i’m a fat stinky loser who is bossy & too-good at school to be any fun. also, who likes things that are “baby-ish” & gets scared easily. oooh i really tapped a well of self-hxte : )))) i’m going to save that for when i get home ((((((((((((((((((((((((LK))))))))))))))))))))))))))) don’t worry, baby : ) it will be ok : ) i bet someone will cook you a steak for dinner : )))))))) eat food !!!! YUMMMMM

  175.  #175Daria on April 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    FeminineWoman – Radlove yes did change her name to that recently

  176.  #176Dominique on April 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    lk and Iamabutterfly – Men like to look and NOT just at women, They look at men and children too. The are curious which I suppose goes back to cave man times when they had to be very aware of their surroundings for survival.

    You are just noticing when he looks at a woman though. And many times they are not even aware they looked.

    If they are with you, into you, in love with you, love you, none of it means anything. Even if he did find her attractive, sexy, whatever, it still means nothing.

    In fact YOU benefit. If he feels a slight arousal over another woman, his thoughts will turn to you next, for he associates affection and sex with you, not some stranger.

    Other women fuel the fires of his arousal for YOU. Other women are good for YOU.


  177.  #177Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Thanks Daria.

    Dominique that thought/belief feels so juicy I am feeling turned on just wrapping my mind around it.

  178.  #178Jilly on April 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Well…I just found out that my dad proposed to his girlfriend this weekend!!!!! I feel so happy and excited for both of them. This is another match made in heaven! 🙂 They’ve only been dating a few months…

  179.  #179Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Hi sirens, I ordered a deck of goddess tarot cards today! Super excited together them this week! 🙂

  180.  #180Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Starla, he doesn’t know who it was from – it was anonymous. From a gmail account with no recognizable name.

  181.  #181Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Hi Daria, no, he doesn’t know who it was.

    FW, yes, Radlove was a name change.

  182.  #182Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    I’m just feeling so down..

    I’ve been quite moody sometimes these past few weeks with my bf.. Often warranted but I react to his issues sulky and moody like a child.

    I was so busy for a couple of months my bf felt left out and now I’ve finished work I’m back at home over thinking and analysing and now Im the one feeling that way..

    We’ve always sent each other nice flirty text though the whole time we’ve been together and yet these past few weeks things just arent feeling the same abd even the texts arent the same..

    I wish we could get the loving back 🙁

  183.  #183Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    However it seems you don’t know whether is male or female. For some reason after reading your comment on the other thread my gut feeling is that something is not ringing true. How did your gut feel when he first told you Lucy? The gut feeeling not the knee jerk reaction.

  184.  #184Calypso on April 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Oh Lucy! That is exactly what my ex husband told me when he was lying and doing it all himself. I obviously don’t know this man, but everything in me is screaming that he is doing this to you on purpose! My ex was so sincere about the whole thing too – he even acted like it was making him sick and he just wanted it to stop! Then he started making things up that the same person had hacked into my work email and was forwarding him stuff from there too. We were going through a divorce and he was just trying to freak me out and control me. He was really good at it – I never would have thought he was that smart or that much of a liar either. Just try not to get too caught up in what he is telling you. If he is on here reading this . . . GET OVER YOURSELF AND STOP BEING SUCH A NARCISSISTIC JERK!

  185.  #185lk on April 23, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    oh, dominique !! thank you & that is beautiful : )

  186.  #186lk on April 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    @Slippin’ Goddess

    everything can change totally so fast – that’s the beauty & the fright : )

  187.  #187Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Lucy, i don’t believe radlove would do that to you. She recently went through a similar thing which prompted the name change. She has expressed her concern numerous times of over sharing here and being “found out”.

    My ex did that to me too.. On fb. Said some of my friends weren’t really my friends, we’re telling him about some of my posts. All he did was look at our common friends and see my status comments. If he’s hurting and wants you back…. I expect he’d be checking up on you and try to shatter the security you feel on the blog. Hugs to you no matter what.

  188.  #188Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    FW, my first reaction when he told me was “What! More drama???” And then i felt angry, and then sad…

    And I did feel a little suspicious when he said he deleted it right away…..

    I know I wouldn’t delete an email like that!! At least not right away!

    (btw, I was mistaken – it was a hotmail account, not gmail – I reread his message to me.)

    So, I don’t know. It feels like “the lesser of two evils” to think about it being NOT him that did it…

    It would feel really sickening if it was him…. Not so much that he would read the blog (though that would feel bad since he had said he wouldn’t), but if he would lie and make up a story about someone else doing it.

    I hope that’s not the case.

    I do love him and care about him.

    I love and care about myself too,

    and I don’t know why I “attracted” this. 🙁

  189.  #189Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    uh oh My comment is in moderation…..

  190.  #190Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Turquoise, I don’t believe radlove would do it either. I think she loves me and i love her. <3

  191.  #191Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Today I read my yearly love horoscope and it said in April, I’d have fun and new romantic interests and fun would last through August. In may, an old lover will return. Interested to see how it works out. Lol.

  192.  #192Starla on April 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    turquoise, my love horoscope says in may i will have MANY men to choose from for life partner. that feels exciting and scarrryyyy. what’s your sign?

  193.  #193lk on April 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    mmmm i love the idea of getting turned on myself when i imagine that he might be getting turned on… & thinking about me : )) love it !

    that would make me want to compliment him on how sexy he is : )))) which i’m sure is just what is wanted / needed when noting another attractive woman : )

    YUM i love it ! thanks, dominique ! : )

  194.  #194Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    #184 lk

    “everything can change totally so fast – that’s the beauty & the fright” : )

    It sure can.. and it sure is.. Thankyou xx

  195.  #195Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks for the hugs, Turquoise.

    So, even after your ex did that to you and lied to you, you still want him back? (Or is that a different ex?)

  196.  #196Dominique on April 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm



  197.  #197Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Trying this comment again – it went to moderation.

    FW, my first reaction when he told me was “What! More drama???” And then i felt angry, and then sad…

    And I did feel a little suspicious when he said he deleted it right away…..

    I know I wouldn’t delete an email like that!! At least not right away!

    So, I don’t know. It feels like “the lesser of two evils” to think about it being NOT him that did it…

    It would feel really sickening if it was him…. Not so much that he would read the blog (though that would feel bad since he had said he wouldn’t), but if he would lie and make up a story about someone else doing it.

    I hope that’s not the case.

    I do love him and care about him.

    I love and care about myself too,

    and I don’t know why I “attracted” this.

  198.  #198Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    This is weird. I am trying to post a comment to FW and it keeps going to moderation.

  199.  #199Starla on April 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    lucy, if you need help figuring out what sent you to moderation, just FB me <3

  200.  #200Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Thanks Starla. I sent it to you on fb. <3

  201.  #201Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Trying again. (Thanks Starla)

    FW, my first reaction when he told me was “What! More drama???” And then i felt angry, and then sad…

    And I did feel a little suspicious when he said he deleted it right away…..

    I know I wouldn’t delete an email like that!! At least not right away!

    (btw, I was mistaken – it was a hotmail account, not gmail – I reread his message to me.)

    So, I don’t know. It feels like “the lesser of two e***s” to think about it being NOT him that did it…

    It would feel really sickening if it was him…. Not so much that he would read the blog (though that would feel bad since he had said he wouldn’t), but if he would lie and make up a story about someone else doing it.

    I hope that’s not the case.

    I do love him and care about him.

    I love and care about myself too,

    and I don’t know why I “attracted” this.

  202.  #202Starla on April 23, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    yay, success!

  203.  #203Starla on April 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    wow, even though i contacted this CD i cancelled on once (last time we were scheduled to go out), i did manage to outgirl him by not asking directly when we’d go out again. it took like 2 months, but he finally asked me out again:P lolololol ((((((((((men)))))))))))
    i feel proud of him for finding his courage. i would have said yes this whole time. silly.

  204.  #204Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm


    How are you feeling?

  205.  #205Starla on April 23, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    it’s so nice to see that all my CDs from when I was dating CF are still here for me. I am glad I still accepted invitations and attention from other men while I was dating CF, especially since he never made any concrete moves to make us official in any capacity. He did VERBALLY put marriage on the table, but then he moved away and pulled away, so I looked to his actions and not his words.

    so thanks to Rori and CD’ing, I am able to easily recover from this, and there is actually a line of men waiting to take me out. how neat! i feel desired and wanted and not like total sh*t, yay!

    i got asked out by 3 different guys today! yay!

  206.  #206Francesca on April 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm


    It’s kind of funny how you’re talking about the finger which you hated most of your life.

    I feel curious as to which finger it is now…

  207.  #207Francesca on April 23, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    Starla, that’s awesome!

    I can honestly feel how high your vibe is now! 🙂

  208.  #208Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    When I was away for a while last year, my man, all emotion and missing me (if only that stuck) said he’d like me to get him a present from every country, like even a bracelet or something (he seemed cautious saying it). He is NOT the holiday bracelet wearing kind of guy. Hes a big manly lump haha. So I never even got him one. It just isnt him at all.

    Well recently a cheap multicoloured wool/cotton bracelet thing fell out my draw, it was one I picked up travelling and I jokingly said to him “here, there’s the bracelet I got you haha!”

    Well my, often emotionless, lack of expression/feeling lump of a man (bit harsh there but you get the picture) hasnt had the bloody thing off since.

    He’s going into work in a big factory full of men with this multicoloured band round his wrist haha and it seems so strange to me but so cute at the same time.

    What is going on? Is my lump a bit sentimental after all? haha Opinions ladies.. xx

  209.  #209Francesca on April 23, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Dominique @ 174

    You are a sweetheart!

    I actually recall hearing or reading about that before, but I had forgotten it. It’s so helpful!

    I just love it, thank you for reminding me! 🙂

  210.  #210Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 4:16 pm

    Starla, I feel glad about your guys to date. 🙂

  211.  #211Starla on April 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    off to my new gym, where there are loads of friendly, wonderful people:)

  212.  #212Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I feel physically ill from this.

  213.  #213Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Lucy, yes…. We are such a better place now. That was years ago…. During our divorce. And while it did make me a little suspicious of some common friends we had, I realized pretty quickly what he was attempting. We’ve been getting along really well for over a year now. I know we’ve both grown and healed a lot. But, he says he can’t get past some old hurts, so we arent working towards a reconciliation , just a friendship and co-parenting in the best way possible. So, trying to move on and cding. I feel more ready to cut the cord and let him go. So, my visualization includes that now. I feel fortunate to have him in my life. He’s always been there to help support me, more than anyone else ever. I still love him. A ton. But I am learning to love myself too…. And I deserve a man in my life that makes me feel loved and adored, not just cared about.

  214.  #214Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Starla…. I am a Sagittarius and it fits me to a t! 🙂

    I heard from 3 of my cd’s today. Enjoying the attention. It’s good self esteem building. Butterfly, are you cding???

    Lizka….. Where are you girlie?

  215.  #215Francesca on April 23, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Turquoise, I spoke to Lizka on FB earlier.

  216.  #216Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Turquoise, it’s interesting that *he* can’t get past old hurts, yet you got past him doing that to you.

    How did you figure out it was him, and not actually friends?

    Hmmm. “And I deserve a man in my life that makes me feel loved and adored, not just cared about.” … At the beginning of our relationship I felt very loved and adored. I don’t know what changed, but, like you, I now only feel cared about (which is nice, but….)

  217.  #217Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    I feel so weird and desperate.

  218.  #218Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    arghh im triggered.. just thinking about how different things feel 🙁

    Hes barely text all day ..and when he has its been jus general stuff….if I reply back nice, flirty like we both normally do I dont even get a reply..

    Dunno whats going on with him..

    was just about to send a text saying so but thought Id vent on here first.. 🙁

    often wish i didnt care..

    gonna go to sleep feeling lonely and unloved haha (1am uk time)

  219.  #219Slippin' Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    #213 ..same here Lucy 🙁

  220.  #220Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Sorry Slippin’ Goddess. 🙁

  221.  #221Radlove on April 23, 2012 at 4:49 pm


    My fear has passed about what I thot might be happening….I thot Kenny had someone checking up on me here, but it wasn’t here.

    So I can freely say, this is Brenda.

    But I intend to stay with Radlove so I don’t need to worry about this in the future.

    And no, I would never do that to Lucy. I love her, too. <3

  222.  #222Ella on April 23, 2012 at 4:50 pm


  223.  #223Ella on April 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm


    Just reading about someone e-mailing your guy.

    Wow, that feels awful.

    I feel shocked.



  224.  #224Ella on April 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I sometimes worry about my man, or my CDs reading here.

    And, with my man, actually I don’t really say anything that he doesn’t already know… he knows how I feel about most things… and I prefer transparency, even if it feels scary sometimes.

    The only things I might feel uncomfortable about are some of my riffings, which might be misunderstood, or posts from the past…

    But, you know what.

    This is me.

    And if they don’t like it they shouldn’t read here!

  225.  #225Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Well, I guess I never found out 100%, but realized he could read my status updates because we had friends in common, and back then… Your status was listed next to your pic in the friends list. I blocked him, which took care of it. It hurt my feelings for a little while, but in the long run…. It wasn’t a big deal. We both said a lot of mean things to each other back then. He is the kind of person who makes a decision, and can’t change his mind. I’m not like that. He admits it’s a bad trait, but he just can’t let things go. I feel he has made up for a lot of past hurts, and I choose to be happy. Holding on to old pain, disappointments and bad feelings doesn’t make me happy. It took 2 to screw up our marriage and would take 2 to repair our relationship and reconcile. I can’t do it by myself, and I stopped trying. He’s doing a lot of work on himself, he’s a really good father, has been very generous with me. I truly appreciate him. But me pining for him, wasn’t good for either of us. So , mentally setting him “free” and shifting my focus to myself and the future relationship I want. It’s hard, I feel sad…. Amazing how many times I can grieve over the same man…. But I’m getting there. It really helps that cding is such a good distraction.

  226.  #226Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks, Ella. You know what, you’re right! I am upfront and honest with him anyway, so who cares?

    Although I guess the part that feels bad is that the person made it look like I was “saying bad things” about him to the whole world. She told him, “Lucy is writing things that make you look bad and blaming you for things and saying that you need to man up and fix the situation.”

    So, it was the way it was stated that felt awful. 🙁

  227.  #227Brandylion on April 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    Seven different men have contacted me since I put my OkCupid profile back up Saturday evening! I feel excited!

  228.  #228Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    I might not care that pilot is 51…. We texted today about grabbing our swimsuits and running away to some place sunny 🙂 I feel so excited at the thought of having access to a personal plane! He said he wants to spoil me and treat me like a princess…. That feels SO appealing.

    Ohio liked to talk about our possible future, and having two incomes comes up a lot. He likes the idea of saving together for vacations, retirement… Sharing expenses. I know that’s rational and something I didn’t think twice about in my marriage… But this is turning me off a little. I don’t want to fel financially responsible for my next husband. I feel turned off he feels the need to bring this up now. Not sure what I should say, but if it comes up again, I’d like to be prepared.

  229.  #229Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 5:50 pm


    It feels strange to me too that OhioCD is bringing this up after just one date. Can it be that you don’t feel ready (appropriate) discussing this after one date?

  230.  #230Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    The middle finger on my right hand is the one and it has the worst damage. Again the doc repeated today he hopes it survives. I can even vaguely remember thinking about this kind of thing happening. Anyway right now my focus and energy is toward healing. I feel unusally rested and happy today in spite of stabbing pain today. I have even been laughing at myself so I know my vibrations are higher. Life feels so precious to me right now. I just practiced being in the moment with my friend who picked up the kids. It feels so light and freeing.

  231.  #231Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm


  232.  #232Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Plus if you decide to ‘save’ for anything, wouldn’t it be for your girls first? And not really for a guy who pictures having an access to your savings after one date LOL

  233.  #233Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Memulo, we’ve been talking for 5 weeks…. Lots of long conversations, I know he really likes me. But you are right, and I’ve said several times lets just take it slow and see what happens, but I feel like he really wants to k ow if we are in the same page about things because he knows exactly what he wants.

  234.  #234Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    FW, I hope very much for you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  235.  #235Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Thanks Turq,

    Lucy I would go back to the initial experience and keep going deep to see what feeling you might uncover. Keep asking yourself what am I feeling?

  236.  #236Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Lol, I don’t know that he wants access, but more like 50/50. We’d both be saving for our vacations, etc.

  237.  #237Femininewoman on April 23, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    Turq I suspect Ohio is relationship ready to pair bond and is already in instant relationship mode.

  238.  #238Memulo on April 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Turquoise, I know you’ve been talking for a while and it’s good that he tells you upfront what to expect, but still I’d feel happier reading that he is offering something to you and your children 😉

    Now that I think about it, in my experience guys that wanted ‘sharing’ didn’t turn out to be very generous at the end. They somehow were always concerned about sharing equally;) Not saying this guy is like that, only bringing your attention to it!

  239.  #239Radlove on April 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    {{{Feminine Woman}}},

    Just catching up here a little.

    I am so sorry to hear about your fingers. 🙁

  240.  #240Daria on April 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    Dominique – thank you for the wisdom about other men juiciing him up for me, and other women are GOOD for me


  241.  #241Daria on April 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    one of my fears and that feels bad is when a guy knows what kinda relationship he wants and is tryna fit me in that


    and i want HIM to want ME, and thats it.

    he knows what woman he wants… ME and he wants to give ME, MY HAPPY EVER AFTER

    that feels good

    i feel all angry and rargh aout it right now

    a lil bit panicked

    love to me


    you’re so great and wise and full of love!

  242.  #242Starla on April 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    whew, those workouts feel amazing and there’s always at least one male member (lol, that sounds funny) at the gym who gets laser focused on me whiel i’m working out, almost like a puppy dog. it feels nice, like i have a who team of hot male cheerleaders.

  243.  #243Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    Turquoise, thanks for sharing your experience with me. <3 ……. FW, I went back to his messages and what I really feel/felt is anger and pain that a person would do something like that – not only to me but to him. I also feel like no matter how hard I try I always come out as "the bad guy." The story of my life. Also I realized that if the reverse had happned (if someone had told me he was writing abt me like that) I would be furious at him… and now I feel grateful he isn't furious at Me!

  244.  #244Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Also, I find I feel angry judging this person as “self-righteous” thinking it is her place to interfere like that as if she is G*d, as if she did it for “the greater good” (I am imagining that she told herself that.) So yes, I am ‘making up stories’ abt it that may or may not be true.

  245.  #245GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Just got home from school. Still no word from him. I have a final project where I need people to give me adjective describing me and I want to ask him, but I’ve been trying not to contact him since he’s not contacting me. I really want to say something though. I don’t understand why he’s not contacting me.

  246.  #246GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    I feel like texting, are you still on vacation and then when he replies that he’s home saying, awww, it feels bad not to have known. Or something.

  247.  #247Lucy on April 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I also felt/feel sad and disappointed bc I still love him and was still hoping for “us” and then he drops this bomb on me. It just seems like one thing after another has come against us, right from the beginning, to mess things up for us. Every time we worked thru one crisis another one would come along… just when we had started feeling good or hopeful again, almost every time. Weird things too, as if ppl and the universe were conspiring against us. 🙁 We both tried so hard.

  248.  #248Starla on April 23, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    givinggirl, just ask anyone but him:P
    this will blow over
    maybe try the drop to your knees tool, until you’re so bored with that feeling of him not being around that you get up and do something else

  249.  #249Sun Goddess on April 23, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Oh man! LP wants us back now. I love him so much and his children but I am not sure I am going to be happy with him forever. Music Man is making time for me in a way that LP doesn’t to cant.

    I chickened out and couldn’t deliver my speech over the phone because he was saying everything I always wanted him to say. Part of me is in awe, the other part is skeptical.

    I accepted that wedding invite from Music Man and I will not back out, but am I doing the right thing. I’m questioning everything right now. What am I doing? What should I do now? I think I am messing everything up! 🙁

  250.  #250Starla on April 23, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    givinggirl, i hope you’ll spam here if you need to instead of texting him<3

  251.  #251GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Starla, I posted on FB and asked everyone lol. Drop to your knees? I need to read about all these tools everyone keeps talking about.

  252.  #252GivingGirl on April 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I really need to go to bed and get some real sleep. I’ve been running on empty for a while, not sleeping well and I have a big headache. My low oil light is on in my car, they can’t get it in the shop till Thursday. I tried checking it to see if I should add more, but I don’t know how to read the stupid dipstick. I’m just really stressed out. Thank you, I will probably be spamming tomorrow 🙂

  253.  #253Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Memulo I agree…. Want a man who is thinking about what he brings to the table , what he will provide for me, what he can give that I need. I don’t get the feeling he is cheap, but that he’d like to travel, save more for retirement, and wants someone who shares those financial goals. Funny, I just thought of this now…. May be a challenge for me. I didn’t take my finances seriously in my marriage, caused a lot if damage. Kinda funny this is in my face now. Wondering how you share that you aren’t a gold digger, but want a man who provides for you?

  254.  #254Radlove on April 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Giving Girl,

    248 – About the oil, it could ruin your engine running it like that. Just blindly pour 2 quarts of oil in there and you won’t go wrong. If the oil light is on, it’s at least 2 quarts low.

  255.  #255Turquoise on April 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Yes FW…. He’s planning long range dates; a concert in Nov., a beautiful weekend in the city in December…. He’s instant relationship material. Part of me feels like experimenting with that, like why not try it and see what it’s like? Why do I always choose the noncommittal guys? Maybe it would feel good to slip into a relationship with someone who wants one? He’s attentive, he calls, texts, plans dates, has a lot of the traits I want. Why would this feel better to me if it was more of a challenge?
    I really want to circular date though, and I know he doesn’t want that. And I don’t want to lie and say I’m out with friends or deny if he asks me what my plans are……

    Daria, I agree with what you wrote. I don’t want to be squeezed into someone else’s vision of a relationship. I want to be offered the relationship I want.

  256.  #256Daria on April 23, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    those are what i am used to thinking of as ‘nice guys’ guys who want insta relationship

    it doesn’t feel so ‘nice’ anymore now


    i get why i didn’t feel safe with them

    i want to feel wanted and cherished and SEEN, not judged and evaluated

  257.  #257GingerSky on April 23, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Rori is describing me in this blog… almost to a tee. I did this to NSM nearly *all* the time & from the very get-go. No wonder he was even more detached than maybe he normally would be. Ak. It feels very good to read this, & do deep work on my inner dynamics & how/why I got this way, just letting it filter through my mind/heart (all the unspeakable chaos, conflict/violence & emotional neglect I grew up in etc). It feels very good to remember that everytime I let my wanting to do this come out as action & words, I`m shooting myself in the foot. It`s honestly a wonder I even have feet left. I am so sorry to myself & NSM & others for making them feel this way, & what it caused in my relationships. It feels good to be sorry for it, & to get traction. My “sorry” equals “I feel regretful & caring bc I did this to people I love & respect. #6 Emerson, you are welcome. Thanks to all who responded to me last night too.

  258.  #258GingerSky on April 23, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    #252 Daria, *right on*

  259.  #259GingerSky on April 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    FW, did you or can you get some e-oils for your finger?! They can help save & make it heal fast, but they need to be super high quality & food grade, even if you will only apply them to your finger externally. Maybe you already know about this. Please let me know if I can be of any help. gingersky234@gmail.com (there are also natural ointments & poultices that could help if you`re interested)

  260.  #260GingerSky on April 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    #243 ((((((( Lucy ))))))) Aw, i feel you.

  261.  #261Starla on April 23, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Thank you, Starla, for forcing me to eat a few bites for breakfast
    Thank you for opening that account for me today, even though you felt that weird twinge of fear you get when you do prosperous things.
    Thank you for paying off my credit card.
    Thank you for tidying my finances.
    Thank you for taking me to the gym
    Thank you for the nice shower when I got home
    Thank you for feeding me quinoa
    Thank you for moisturizing my skin
    Thank you for drinking coconut water
    Thank you for brushing my teeth
    Thank you for openly receiving all those nice compliments people paid me today

  262.  #262siren song on April 23, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Arg my angry ex is sending me email after email…30 or 40 today, from 8am until 11pm. Really intense, negative, stuff, how i’d let him down by not leaning forward, how i should have invited him to do things, how i ‘never did anything’, how he was replaceable because i didn’t want to be exclusive.

    That feels gross. Ew.

    I feel so free and light to be away from that energy on a regular basis.tomorrow I have a date with the guy who’s been into me for 8 years or so…should be fun.

  263.  #263Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    yay Daria!

    you healed that feeling of feeling left out!

    and that feeling of feeling guilty for interfering between a guy who wanted to give u attention and another woman who they ‘should’ be together other people said…


    still feel a bit uncomfortable with that one (((Daria)))

    and you did SO MUCH! to shift that thank you!

    and I feel excited to shift the feeling of feeling unattractive and like a wild raised mountain hermit creature and feeling bad for having chased men (((Daria)))

  264.  #264Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    it felt AMAZING to shift this whole ‘story’ memory i had

    in kindergarten: there were these 3 kids who got to stay up while the rest of us had to sleep

    they were the caretakers (who worked there) kids so they got special privileges

    one time i was laying awake listening to them playing farting games

    and feeling all both jealous and wishing i was part of their group AND very judgemental (i did not dig farting jokes and was judgemental about it)

    and i felt scared to even say Anything or let my presence and awakeness be known


    and i SHFITED IT

    i wwas just feeling shy, based on the way i interacted w my parents till then, and i didnt really have the emotional resources to let my presence be known and lean back and handle whatever would have happend

    and i GOT that after tapping on it and felt COMPASSION for me for the first time ever, like i got where i was coming from and ITS ALL GOOD!

    and since that, i felt a huge relief like after that

    and now i kinda don’t feel that constant left out of stuff feeling… that feeling has just kinda faded away

    like right now im nto really trippin that i dont have plans….


    it feels different

    like mroe relaxed, just my thoughts arent pulling me to feel bad about that anymore…

  265.  #265Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Daria is so solid on my side!! She jsut cut my toenails for me!

  266.  #266Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    yay Siren Song!

  267.  #267Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    the guy i had sex w last is all gettin at me again hehe 🙂 yay!

  268.  #268Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    i like him!

    i feel all shaky an all these triggered feelings connecting with him!

  269.  #269Daria on April 23, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    i feel INCLUDED!!!



  270.  #270Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 12:18 am

    What a great article! As usually something I really needed to read right now…

    Siren song, I hope you’ve blocked – or at least started ignoring his emails! Yikes! That is way over the top … Even for me. Lol. And I am the queen of over the top 🙂

    So, my puffy eyelid started going down the moment J stopped writing to me. It’s almost normal now. Yay! My body was definitely trying to tell me something….

  271.  #271Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:29 am

    hmm he wants to take me to his houes and i feel excited and i dont want to date a guyh whos still hung up on his ex gf and has his pic up w her… htat feels bad to me … iw ant to feel pursued and special emotionally


    i feel all ‘trapped’ now like i haven’t

  272.  #272Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:32 am

    ok i LIKe this dude emotionaly an di THINK he is mostly focused on having a sexual connection with me

    and i want to havea sexual connection with him

    and i dont want to feel distant emotionally and i DO… i feel on guard, unsure suspcious, and closed off that he has that picture of him and another woman up and everything that might ‘mean’

    and i don’t want to date him until i feel safe and loved


    i want to share all this in feeling messages

    i feel surprised to feel ‘stuck!”

    i feel hesitant, closed off, unsafe, excited and thrilled

  273.  #273Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:38 am

    i feel mad at him

    he’s like, its an old picture don’t trip k?

    and im like ok thanks for letting me know i do feel a bit better

    andt then after writing that i felt a BIT better but still not good

    and now i feel scared to find myself feeling this way and im jduging myself



    its GREAT that you feel this way

    this can bring yoy closer together


    i feel kinda scared of you and closed off toward syou baby.. i feel really ‘into’ you and turned on by you… and i feel terrified! I want to feel safe emotionally and loved and cared for… and im not feelint that way right now… and i dont want to be dating a guy whos still hung up on his ex… i dont really want to date while a man’s rockin w a pic like dat

    i feel insecure


    pretty good

    what i want:

    him to take it down and say, Daria, I AM really feelin you. i got kinda scared off last time cuz i didnt’ have my ish together but i really respect and honor you and I want YOU . I want you to feel good with me ALWAYS and feel like the number one


    dont try to control the outcome

    so i dont want to ‘make’ that happen

    i just wanna say

    baby i still feel kinda closed off and a lil bit scared of being with you…

    i dont feel emotinoally close and i dont want to date while u got that picture up or if u still got feelings for your ex

    (but i got feelings for other dudes… so what we’re diff. man. woman. i want to feel special)

    i can do this!

    keep practicing Daria

  274.  #274Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:50 am

    tap tap… ok so they said when i have sex, im ‘giving something up’ ot the man

    and its nto true!

    he’s giving ME something actually… liek worship

    and i want to feel good with this

    i dont feel sure with this man

    im feeling kidna insecure


  275.  #275Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:50 am

    it feels kinda rushed… im feeling offbalance

  276.  #276Daria on April 24, 2012 at 12:54 am

    yay! my longdistance papi that ‘rubberbanded’ after na intense discussion where he said he is def planning to see me in the next 2 months now reappeared and is like ive been busy starting this company heheh

    yay !! i feel so loveed

  277.  #277Daria on April 24, 2012 at 1:50 am

    wow im all partly down to go to his house w him

    wait a minute id feel better to get to knwo him again slowly, if he wants to take me out that would fele nice… but i dont feel comfortable going to his house yet …

  278.  #278Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:20 am

    is it bad to want to get attention for my butt??? :/

    what if i didnt have a butt?

    but i judge myself

    i just adore it


    this feels horrible

    i feel like a butt whore


    is that bad?

    what feels bad?


    i feel good

    feeling good feels bad

    yes! when its for your butt!

    you dont just go show your butt off in public

    its pornographic

    and yes that is bad

    bad bad bad

    bad bad

    im a bad

    mba f

    ugh ugh ugh ugh


    mickeal jackson


    so my trhills of f being bad

    by posting suggestibely awesome beautiful pictures of my butt on th e internet

    even tho im fully clothed

    i still look kinda danaked

    and is that abd??





    i am a BITCH





  279.  #279Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:21 am

    ey this is like my own byron katie work!


    Daria work!!

  280.  #280Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:22 am

    do you do Daria Work? oh yes I do Daria Work.

    I Do DaRika body worshkshops

    daria herbs

    daria meals

    Daria magic

    wooo hoo

  281.  #281Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:23 am

    Daria fengshoi

    Daria kik your man to the curb turn prostitute to happily ever after girl and ima be a player for life


    that last part really wanted to be included adn i didnt want to deny it/her/him? pac

    like pac is IN Me

    you know i was like Pac is the only man that could be my baby daddy and i wouldnt feel mad. I was thinking. I was like 14 tho.

  282.  #282Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:26 am

    Im sooo higggh… IM high to the sky an im feelin fly

    you guys!!! all thes guys are on me!! about my new soft look.

    I have like 0 gf here.

    Its just me and like a trillion men….




    wink wink


    🙂 😀 🙂


    i feel HAPPY





    so anyways i geuss im really striaght right now girls

    but i love yall!

  283.  #283Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:29 am

    i feel like a lesbian even just talkin to yall…

    like wtf

    im talkn to a bumch of women

    im all butch


    im not like butch but im not like girly

    when i went to jail i didnt shave my legs and i didnt feel like lettin any girls hit on me or nothghing… hmmm

    that wouldve been an opportunity to be gay and i didnt even thin about being gay

    so maybe im not gay


    do i want to be gay?

    not really.


    then i dont have to be




    im not gay


    fuchk it.



    so if my kids want to be gay they can be gay

    i think its very important that i open my mind and heart to gay people

    i realized recently its like THE most important human rights issue on Earth… and im like WHOA i didnt realize it was THAT important… now i see it as like important to the whole human species… its like whoa.



  284.  #284Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:34 am

    would gettin with women be more fun than getting with men?

    mm i mean

    getting with men feels SOOO Excithing!

    it feles like a trip to the starss.. to HOLLYWOOD!!!

    it feels fuchkin OUTTA THIS WORLD!








    i liek this poem to men lol

  285.  #285Ella on April 24, 2012 at 2:35 am


    Yes, it would feel awful to me too.

    I hope no-one e-mails my guy and I feel so sad that a Siren would violate our privacy like that.

    And annoyed that someone can be so short sighted not to realise that what we do here actually HELPS our relationships and our men tremndously. And that sometimes we just need to vent.

    I think you are being very gracious about this and I hope it all ends up sorting out somehow for you and your man.


  286.  #286Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 2:35 am

    I haven’t seen R for two months. We have been texting in a friendly way lately, almost every night, sometimes for 1 to 3 hours at a time.

    On Sunday, I was in his town, which is now an hour away from home, and I was really missing him after not seeing him for so long. I realize I shouldn’t have contacted him, but my feeling of missing him was so strong that I texted him.

    I said, “I miss you. Can I see you today while I am in town?”

    He said he had plans that afternoon. I felt frustrated that he didn’t say how about Sunday evening, but I let it drop. Then no texting Sunday night or tonight, after texting almost every night.

    So finally I texted him. I feel super vulnerable posting this, so please take it easy on me. I am posting it cuz I feel confused about when to use feeling messages and when to just swallow my feelings.

    B: I feel like I’m being punished.

    R: What do you mean?

    B: I told you I missed you on Sunday. I feel like I’m being punished for that.

    R: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    B: What do you mean?

    R: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    B: It is very difficult for me to voice something like that. When I make myself vulnerable and tell you I miss you, and then I feel ignored, it leaves me feeling neglected.

    R: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    B: When I get the broken record, what I hear is “I don’t give a shit.”

    R: At this point I have little tolerance for your drama and bullshit.

    B: That feels really bad to hear. I like to think that my friend cares about my feelings. That’s cold.

    R: I think you try to treat me like I am your boyfriend and obviously I am not.

    B: No, I tried to treat you like a caring friend…who I haven’t seen for two months. I would have said the same to any of my girlfriends. And they would have said, “Yeah, I miss you too. Let’s get together.”

    B: What you call drama, I call open, honest communication. I feel heavy hearted.

    B: Every time I think I am getting my friend back, I am reminded that the demons have extracted your heart.

    B: There is no other friend in my life that would respond so coldly to being told they are missed. Excuse me for caring.

    B: I feel so much pain.

    R: Why do you feel so much pain?

    B: I’m trying to be open and honest, and I was hoping that it would be met with compassion and kindness. Instead I feel like I’m hitting a cold wall. I am a sensitive person. I don’t want to feel that way with you.

    R: Well you start by saying I feel like I’m being punished and it’s the old bullshit again.

    R: I don’t punish people.

    B: Well, obviously I have the wrong approach. I’m just a girl here, and I am doing my best to communicate, and to be a friend. This is what I mean when I say I don’t know how to relate to you.

    R: Oh ok

    B: So can we have a fresh start again?

    R: What do you mean?

    B: Friends, peace treaty, fresh clean slate, talk about something else?

    R: What do you want to talk about?

    From here, we had a brief, perhaps tense, conversation that felt okay. If I had just texted, “Hey”, it probably would have been a friendly conversation. Was this not what Rori intends?

  287.  #287Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:39 am

    if i put this poem on the site as my status the guys are gonna jump all over it i bet 🙂 they jump over EVERYTHING I SAY!

    im like : i lost my phone

    they’re like “omg sweetie, i hate when that happens…”




    one of the prettiest women in the “virtual” room



    my dream come true!

    im pretty im pretty

    guys are going for me

    and its ok to enjoy it

    its ok if i looke exhuberant

    its ok if i likoke al l this bad stuff looking exhuberant

    wild anmimal unsexyh crash dummy ugly etc

    blah blah !


    im all that and im feeling exhuberant and im feeling so goood


    ohhhhh it feels so gooddddd!!!

    its what i alwasy wanted!!!!!!



  288.  #288Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:42 am

    NO theyre NOT!!!!



    YOURE A BIT*CH!!!!!













  289.  #289Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:44 am





    GO MEE!

    GO MEE!!



  290.  #290Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:46 am


  291.  #291Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:48 am

    ohhh! I bet the men would like that too

    its ok to show this to them

    i feel embarasased

    i feel embarassed that im TRYING

    to look attractive

    when i WANT to feel good about doing things to look attractve

    like grooming

    and MY ART IS TOO!

    love to me

    feeling angry

  292.  #292Ella on April 24, 2012 at 2:53 am




    I think Rori intends for us not to be friends with men we have feelings for.


  293.  #293Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 2:55 am

    Daria, Daria, Daria,

    You ARE the Belle of the Ball! I am glad you are getting so much attention.

    Will you please bestow a bit of attention on my #281? It wasn’t perfect, but I thot I was using feeling messages, and it didn’t go over too big. I feel confused about how to communicate. Can you please help?

  294.  #294Daria on April 24, 2012 at 2:57 am


    MAchine , move mean move spleen move hips and move him him and him and thats his friend and im his friend and i dont knwo how we all got in HERE here is everywhere and everywhere is past here where we been and we never been more than friends so friends we are till the end yaddamimean?

    let it be seen let it be seen my walk is mean i mean real meen i mean it will bite you straight out yoru sleep like naw that bit*ch didnt walk like she was so elegant like the erath is my turf bit(ch leme see that again

    i get a certain pleasure out ‘outsmarting’ guys or is it just feeling extremely powerful with men

    and they said that is bad

    BUT ITS NOOIT! and im bout to bounce that out right now…



    that was deep yall!


    i was tryna “own” pwople liek enslave em to me!

    like ohhh everyone has to buy from me it has to have my name and they have to stare at me and know its from me and


    like im aamzing and i felt all clingy and stuff

    and i AM amazing right?


    yeah i felt like, oh THEAY HAVE TO RESPECT ME!!!!

    when acturall, no they dont!

    I am the one who can respect me or respect others

    i was like not even there with me!!

    now i am and i choose to respect me

    and respect others

    and im pretty damn awesome

  295.  #295Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 2:57 am


    RE: #287 – Good point. but I don’t see that changing. I feel so disappointed with men! I had a pool of about 15 who emailed me the other day. They have all but dropped off now.

    I had a date yesterday and it was a total flop. They all want sex. No sex? No interest.

    There’s got to be more than that.

    So I keep gravitating back to R.

  296.  #296Daria on April 24, 2012 at 3:00 am

    im like Dexter the nerd at his computer

    my rolemodesl are men


    ore they were

    now my rolemodels are me

    and my manifestations

    and i love me

    and it feels WHINY

    right now

    like no im not good enopugh

    my right arm doesnt want to do computer anymore

    my right arm is hurt from compuyering i want to heal her

  297.  #297Daria on April 24, 2012 at 3:04 am

    mmm typing w only my left

    i can strengthen and heal my arm
    i feel scared

    its ok its healing love to me

    this feels challenging

    in my tummy too



    this feels cool

    im feeling twitchy

    yay healing

    im not used to my right arm resting

    what if this isa good thing ?

  298.  #298Daria on April 24, 2012 at 3:08 am

    my pussy feels closed to that guy…

  299.  #299Daria on April 24, 2012 at 3:10 am

    ive been habitually mistreating the right side of my body…

    it can take it… its strong,,,

    poor body

  300.  #300Daria on April 24, 2012 at 3:21 am

    i am committed to learning to write witthout tensing my body…

    mmm my right RM aint wriyin shi*t… it do not wama move… mabe im in a diff state o f thinkin rite now..

  301.  #301Silver Moonbeam on April 24, 2012 at 3:55 am

    #281 Radlove

    I am putting myself in R’s shoes here, OK I know I’m not a man but this is how “I” felt.

    Like I am being blamed for something I have no knowledge of, like there is too much drama and too many negative emotions.

    Remember that Rori thing about holding a man by the lapels, tight, tight, tight and never letting him go and throwing him in your cage?

    That’s how I felt reading your post.

    What happened to your soft, warm, sandy beach vibe?

    Aren’t we supposed to be sharing joyful feelings as well as the sad heavy feelings? I don’t see any sunshine or laughter in your conversation Rad, just a lot of negative vibes…….

    Re the punishment talk, would you REALLY say that to a girlfriend or a casual guy friend? Or would you shrug your shoulders and say “OK we’ll catch up next time I’m in your town. No big deal.”

    Rad, I so know what you mean about the guys who poof and flake I cannot even get a date at the moment so you are doing way better than me even if it was a flop…………

  302.  #302Brandy on April 24, 2012 at 4:18 am

    omgosh I could have written this post myself. This is EXACTLY what I am like, lol. I have just discovered Rori’s ideas and techniques and it has felt amazing me to explore all of this. Circular Dating as a Modern Siren (even though I barely know what I’m doing) has been so successful that I have a new problem. I JUST started CD and I now have TOO many men around! I am in the middle of doing the “Have the Relationship you Want” workbook and watching “Modern Siren” – I’m not even done with them. But what is the “right” way to say no to men I don’t want 2nd or 3rd dates with?

  303.  #303ulii on April 24, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I feel like I’m in a power struggle with my online-guy, NewZealandCD.
    He is online and me too. And it seems he won’t just talk to me because he’s testing if I would do it first. I initiated few times as he was being offended I never do, and said like I wouldn’t care at all. And now it seems he’s expecting me to start every time?!

    He says he’s so happy to talk to me every time. But now it’s already 3rd day and n-th time him being online same time and not saying a thing. I don’t know what to do. And it’s making me feel sad and powerless. And next time he’ll talk to me i´d probably feel bitter & resentful.

  304.  #304ulii on April 24, 2012 at 4:52 am

    and just right now..after me writing this…he starts to talk to me. But I feel so awkward. 🙁

  305.  #305Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Oh Radlove…. that was too much. I agree with Silver Moonbeam. He is not responsible for your feelings. Maybe he had other plans, maybe he didn’t want to see you, maybe he didn’t think it was a good idea because you’ve been down that road so many times before. But he didn’t say he never wanted to see you again or ignore your texts.

    People disappoint us, but we can’t expect them to save us from our feelings or have those expectations. You leaned forward, he said no. Yes it stings and hurts…. but if I were him, I’d be really tired of being asked for fresh shart.

    I feel you punish yourself, not that he’s punishing you. You leaned forward, and then blamed him for your lonliness, and made him responsible for your feelings.

    I hope you find a way to break this cycle.

  306.  #306Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:16 am


    I think you should walk away from him completely. I don’t believe he’s ever going to give you what you want, especially with you giving anything to the relationship. He knows, without a doubt, how you feel about him. If he is ever ready and wants that relationship too, he’ll find you.

    I’m sorry, know this isn’t what you want to hear…. I just hate to see you keeping going back to this position.

  307.  #307Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 5:25 am


    RE: #296 – Gulp, thank you (hard to swallow, but I receive that).

  308.  #308Francesca on April 24, 2012 at 5:32 am

    FW @226

    Interesting, thank you for your reply.

    And I really hope your finger heals as best as it can.

    Feels like it’s on its way to getting there.

  309.  #309Francesca on April 24, 2012 at 5:36 am


    So you have stumbled a bit.

    So what?

    You know what to do to get back in the saddle now.

    I say ride on, sister!

  310.  #310Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 5:40 am


    RE: #299-300 – Thank you. In 299, I see now what you say is true. I don’t understand myself why all that doesn’t seem obvious in the moment.

    I guess it means I’m still broken inside. That feels frustrating after how hard I’ve tried to heal all that garbage.

    Any damage control? Just another setback I have to accept I guess, and it was going so well.

    No, I’m not going to walk away. Can’t do it.

  311.  #311Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 5:49 am


    RE: #303 – Thanks, should I say anything to him for damage control?

  312.  #312Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 5:56 am

    so, so-called friend iniated contact with me last night, which felt good. like she cared, and wasn’t just using me.

    we talked. she denied everything.

    I feel better because I can tell she values my friendship, but I also feel sad for her.

    she wasn’t completely honest with me.

    as someone who used to lie all the time, I could tell that she was telling partial truths and justifying.

    It made me feel sad, because I used to be that way, and it was exhausting, not being honest with myself first and foremost, and then justifying my dishonesty to others.

    so, we’re still friends, but I am only going to be as honest with her as she is with me. I’m not going to lie to her, obviously, but I just don’t feel safe sharing everything with her anymore.

  313.  #313Silver Moonbeam on April 24, 2012 at 5:56 am

    #301 Radlove

    Said with much love BTW.

    {{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}

  314.  #314Francesca on April 24, 2012 at 5:58 am


    I personally wouldn’t try to re-initiate contact at this point.

    Maybe give it some time.

    I know it’s hard but I don’t believe that there’s anything you could do right now to “fix” things, even though you didn’t do anything wrong per se.

  315.  #315Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 5:59 am

    Moonbeam, Turquoise, and Francesca,

    Yes, thank you, I feel the love. I appreciate you being gentle with me. this thing has gotten so sensitive. I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him.

    I’m still in love with him, but I know he’s not good for me.

  316.  #316Silver Moonbeam on April 24, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Radlove, how about trying to get back to where you were a warm, soft, sandy beach, you were doing so well then, this is just a blip and like Turq says at least he is still texting you, so work on that great vibe you had a while ago……….

  317.  #317Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:02 am

    reading how emotionally moved I was yesterday feels really curious.

    I feel detached looking back at my responses when I was in the soup of emotions yesterday.

    It feels fascinating to look back at them once I’ve moved past them.

    I love reading the spam of triggered Sirens. It’s beautiful. You can see all their pain and frustrations and messiness and beauty and healing.

  318.  #318Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:04 am

    and Starla, I just wanted to tell you that I feel so inspired by you taking such good care of yourself. I feel moved to take better care of myself, starting with cleaning my messy car, room, and bathroom.

  319.  #319Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 6:05 am


    310 – Yes, I will. I thot I was there. I mean heck, I haven’t seen him for two months. That’s a long time. We had been connecting very nicely by text almost nightly. In the moment, it just didn’t seem out of order to ask to see him after so long.

  320.  #320lk on April 24, 2012 at 6:10 am

    am i the only person who thinks television is really appalling ?

    like…… idk. i don’t watch that much stuff & usually i watch like…. old beavis & butthead or something. or gilmore girls. not saying i have great taste. just saying, i’m not “up” on today’s hip hit shows….

    i watched an episode of “Wexds” last night… ok, it was funny. lol. ok. but ! what the eff is going on with randomly having a nxked 19 year old girl on there bxnging out with a random person we just watched her meet that same day ?

    NO SLXT SHAMING – that’s not what i’m saying either. i’m saying, that 19 yo just “chose” to put her fully nude body on television/media FOREVER. & then the next episode i watched, mary louise parker’s character also has random nude sex with someone she meets the same day.

    i just don’t want to watch “sex” when it’s just Nudity — TOTALLY RANDOMLY unrelated to the plot. this is partly because i feel the women are pressured to get nxked in order to “sell” the show (which makes me feel sick to my stomach) & also there is pressure to get nxked, like, well who do you think you’re going to be if you aren’t bxllsy enough to get nxked ?

    anywayz. rant over.

    actually, while i was typing this, CD came over to me on the couch & started talking about how i asked about the show & he is telling me how he thinks it’s disgusting & appalling & i love him. ok breathing. i’m fine lol. jeez.

  321.  #321Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 6:10 am


    RE: #308 – Thanks. What bothers me is as hard as I have worked on myself, and on this particular relationship, I STILL have this needy vibe. I want to heal that, and I just don’t know how.

    I guess it is normal to feel sad and lonely when I am alone. My attempts at dating are just pathetic.

    I did have one little ray this morning. Last year in June, I had one single date with a man who was downright rich. I liked him, not really knowing him after just one date, but he seemed like someone I’d like to get to know better.

    I thought yesterday he blew me off, but this morning he texted me good morning. So looks like I will get a second date with him, nearly a year later!

  322.  #322Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Radlove, if I were you, I might say something like “oh, I feel so embarassed about texting you the other night. I was feeling lonely and took it out on you. I’m sorry.” just make sure whatever you say is authentic and what you’re really feeling.

    silence would work fine as well. he might like some breathing room.

  323.  #323Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:20 am

    I feel so curious about my life. I feel needy to forgive myself. I feel guilty about my past. I feel guilty about not using my money or time or my talents and pouring them into activities and things of value.

    I feel guilty about how starved for love I was, and for how much I gave up for loving other people, without loving myself.

  324.  #324Starla on April 24, 2012 at 6:21 am

    haha, another sh*t morning with CF on the brain. But I expected it when I went to bed last night, and I was feeling so good and detached from everything that I reminded myself to have perspective in the morning, and even if I feel like sh*t about him, I can trust that I’ll feel better in a while and stay on my horse.

  325.  #325Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:23 am

    It’s not my fault that I was love-starved.
    maybe not getting love early on set up a pattern for me not giving love to myself later on.
    I choose to feel love for myself.
    I choose to continuously forgive myself, even if it takes a long time because of years of self-hatred.

  326.  #326Starla on April 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

    lama, you’d be surprised how quickly sending yourself love and forgiveness as much as you can possible remember will “un-do” even years and years of “damage”

  327.  #327Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:37 am

    I want to feel happy. I have plenty to feel happy about. I feel thankful for the beautiful warm/cool perfect spring weather. I feel thankful for my sister, my one girlfriend who I know will always be in my life. I feel thankful for frozen blueberries. I feel thankful for water. I feel thankful for three-year-olds. I feel thankful for the blog. I feel thankful for a new job opportunity. I feel thankful for people who tell me they love me. I feel so thankful for people who tell me they love me.

  328.  #328Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:43 am

    @320 ((((Starla)))) – Thanks, sweet girl. Reading what you wrote today reminded me of how hard it was to wake up in the mornings when I was heart-broken.

    I can’t believe how much I miss feeling that sadness. It felt good to have men respond to my sadness.

    It feels more difficult to feel deeply lately.

    I feel sad that feeling my feelings feels more like practicing a game than experiencing life.

    I am feeling a bit depressed at the moment.
    Depressed feels numb.
    Depressed feels unsure.

  329.  #329Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 6:47 am

    It would feel good to get a haircut, buy a new warddrobe, and reinvent myself, but I really don’t have the money right now. Instead, I will focus on re-inventing my insides. I will focus on re-inventing my attitudes about life.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Daria I fall in love with you more and more everyday. I feel my healing through your processing. Thanks.

  331.  #331Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:02 am

    🙂 I am surrounded by such lovely fortune and abundance. Health, beauty, and peace are always with in my reach. How lucky is that?!?!!? 😀

  332.  #332Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:04 am


    RE: #316 – Thank you, I think I will feel more peace of mind if I text that.

  333.  #333Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:08 am

    On the Today Show, the just showed a clip from a movie, “Think Like a Man”. A man pulled up in a car to pick up a woman, saying, “It’s open.”

    She said, “I don’t go on dates with a man who doesn’t open the door for me.”

    He said, “Seriously??”

    “Yeah.” He took off with the car, but then he stopped and backed up to her again.

    That is how I feel with men about sex. It is like I am saying, “I don’t go on dates with a man who expects sex.”

    Most men just take off. It wasn’t like this in the past! It’s like sex has become recreation, and as expected on a date as a kiss or hand holding. Sex is not that casual to me. It is sacred, and it is personal, and it is giving of my complete self. I don’t want to open my energy to every man who says hello.

  334.  #334Calypso on April 24, 2012 at 7:08 am

    I’m starting to get nervous about my trip with GM. He has been really quite the last two weeks and I can’t help but wonder if he is regretting his decision to ask me on this trip. I know I am just projecting . . . ugh.

    I want to be calm and cool and fun and flirty – not all tied up in knots . . .

    It has been so nice having this trip to look forward to and imagining what it might be like for us to be at the beach together, but now that it is closer to actually happening, I’m starting to regret that it will be over soon and worry that it won’t be wonderful or even a good experience. ugh . . .

    Make it stop!

  335.  #335Brandylion on April 24, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Radlove, #304:

    I have been reading the blog off and on since January ’11, and I’ve read a lot of the archived posts, so I’m a little familiar with your situation with R.

    But I feel triggered, like a sudden heaviness in my gut, and it says:

    Can’t, or won’t, walk away?

    I, too, feel you punishing yourself. How does being friends with R serve you? Is it helping you grow, or just keeping you in place?

    I’ve had to ask myself that question in the weeks since PriestCD dumped me and I felt hopeful for a friendship to continue. I feel sad about that hope dying, but being friends with him isn’t good for me. Even hoping keeps my energy stuck in the past instead of fully engaged with the present, and that doesn’t feel good.

  336.  #336Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 7:14 am

    RadLove I have the needy vibe at times too. Sometimes I notice it and laugh at myself. Sometimes I lean forward because masculine strength feels really comforting to me.

    All men deep down are good guys. I have acceped that. Rather than blaming him, how about asking if he is available to offer help in those times. If he is not, express the vulnerable feelings while accepting no? Could that be a mix of surrender speech and leaning back?

    He referred to your pattern that he is not experiencing you as different, after two months.

  337.  #337Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:15 am


    RE: #317 – “Life is not a having and a resting, but a growing and a becoming.”

    That saying has liberated me a lot when I feel guilty about where I am at in my life or how I have spent my time and energy. I am at a place where I am not only allowing myself to slow down the pace of life, but trying to make a point to slow down.

    This is how I romance myself. I find when I slow down activities of daily living, they become beautiful and meaningful.

  338.  #338Iamabutterfly on April 24, 2012 at 7:16 am

    @327 Radlove – I was reading some stuff written for men about picking up women. It was pointing out that when men treat women well by taking them to fancy restaurants and being gentlemen, the women lose interest, because they assume that men who treat them that well are pushovers and not strong.

    The men who don’t try as hard, but who make the women feel excited by doing the unexpected by showing just enough interest but not too much interest are the ones who win. it then recommends “bedding” the woman as quickly as possible, because that is what bonds a woman to a man.

    These kind of techniques feel so sad to me. It feels so sad how desperate we all are for love, and how none of us know how to give and receive it.

  339.  #339Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:19 am


    RE: #319 – You said, “It’s not my fault that I was love-starved.
    maybe not getting love early on set up a pattern for me not giving love to myself later on.
    I choose to feel love for myself.
    I choose to continuously forgive myself, even if it takes a long time because of years of self-hatred.”

    This is beautiful. It totally resonates with me.

  340.  #340Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:40 am


    I borrowed some of what you said and made it my own, turning it into two long text messages to Ryan just now for damage control:

    B: It is not my fault that I was love starved. Maybe not getting enough love early on set up an unhealthy pattern later on. I am doing my best to heal this. I choose to feel love for myself. I choose to continually forgive myself, even if it takes a long time because of years of emotional neglect.

    B: I don’t intend to turn you off. I am comparable to an actress on the set with little experience. I am clumsy, and I often feel confused. And sometimes I just don’t understand what I am supposed to say and do, unless someone explains it to me and works with me.

  341.  #341lk on April 24, 2012 at 7:45 am

    but, more importantly, i think, CD said, ” i can get worked up about a lot of things, & i’m just not going to get worked up over a television show ”

    ok. i can dig that.

    picturing my world all gentle & relaxed….. yummy : )

  342.  #342Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:46 am


    RE: #329 – thanks for your feedback. I agree, I won’t. But being friends with R serves me in a lot of ways. He is one of my closest friends. I mean, I don’t always post everything. If you had seen the rich text conversations we’ve shared in recent weeks, you would see a very fulfilling friendship.

    Every time I try to date, I end up scampering back to him, because he was the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had, even tho there is a lot to be desired.

    I need my baby steps. I am not at the place that a lot of the women here are at. I feel safe with him, even tho he is not totally safe.

    How I long to feel protected as I date. I can’t go to him for that, but it would feel good if I could. I just feel so, so vulnerable dating, like walking out of my house naked. I hate it!

  343.  #343lk on April 24, 2012 at 7:49 am

    ((((Daria)))) i like to draw with my left hand & right hand at the same time & let my right hand try to “teach” my left hand how to hold my tools…. awww they look so sweet together….. (((hands)))

  344.  #344Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:49 am


    RE: #330 – Thank you, I really like that about asking him if he is available to help in those moment when I feel needy and/or vulnerable.

  345.  #345Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:53 am


    RE: #332 – I am totally with you there.

  346.  #346lk on April 24, 2012 at 8:15 am

    starla…. you are so cool… i feel more inspired by you every day : )))

  347.  #347lk on April 24, 2012 at 8:16 am

    except more than “Cool” — like, warm, vibrant, rooted, powerful, expanding

    : )))))

  348.  #348Starla on April 24, 2012 at 8:22 am

    thanks, lk:)

  349.  #349Starla on April 24, 2012 at 8:24 am

    i feel discouraged by the commute to work today…i noticed the only guys i feel attracted to are covered in tattoos and trouble. or too young for me!

    and the nice looking guys look like p*ssies or like they wouldn’t be able to handle or understand me in a billion years.

    and i noticed i feel like a kid a lot, and that any guy over 30 or so looks like a dad to me, and not a potential partner.

    i hope this is just a phase

  350.  #350Starla on April 24, 2012 at 8:32 am

    and i feel in a hurry to meet mr right and get married and all that. like time is ticking away! eeeep!!

    i want to be okay with being totally single…but i don’t know how. i’ve not been fully, truly single but for a few months in my adult life.

  351.  #351Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

    I suppose this is too many texts in a row, but I just added these to the ones I already sent to R:

    B: Sometimes I feel more needy and vulnerable than others. Do you think at those times I could just ask you if you are available to help rather than putting pressure on you?

    B: When someone has schizophrenia, I suppose the natural reaction is to reject them, right?

    B: When someone has loneliness and limited emotional intelligence, I suppose the natural reaction is to reject them, right?

    B: Can we work with each other?

  352.  #352lk on April 24, 2012 at 8:47 am

    the Man set up a meeting with me for a morning time next week……. SCARY. i haven’t responded to his email yet…. i feel all this desire to Over-Function… like, offer to send my documents (even though he asked me to bring them to the meeting) or want to like…. or like strategize to be able to email to casually confirm because i feel afraid of being forgotten….. like i’m not important enough to write down on an agenda…..

    hush little NVs : ) we don’t need you right now, but thank you for your input : )

    to practice, i set up another meeting a couple days before with another man in a similar field who can consult with me in a different way, but who i can practice my Passion Messages & also mentally organize & connect my different visions & experiences…..

    ooh i’m excited to get some wind behind my sails : )))) now…. focus on getting my boat “sea-worthy” …… keep an eye on the “weather” ……. wait to push out !

  353.  #353Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:54 am


    Your way of expressing yourself delights me over and over!

  354.  #354lk on April 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

    yesterday… i forget what we were talking about… natural bone structures ? natural “meat-y-ness” or something ? & i was saying, oh i’m pretty small, but not so small & he was saying, i think if you lost weight, you’d be skin & bones & very very tiny.

    well…. that idea scares me. imagining myself “skin & bones” scares me. & i don’t want any man i love to want me to be skin & bones — & i said, “i feel thin now” & i could see a thought catch in his mind for a moment, like he maybe wanted to contradict me, but then he said, “gain weight if you want to, baby – i’m sure you gain it in all the right places” & i felt honestly really freaked out… like i felt that i was being told to lose weight. & that is so…. well, it’s “cr8zy” lol. but i just sat with it, because i know that he really meant gain weight if i want & if there was any impulse to “contradict” it would have been some silly Masculine-Logic comment about 3rd-world/starvation/etc. lol….

    so then a minute later, after i practiced breathing in my mantra

    i love myself; i respect you
    i honor myself; i trust you

    & he came & kissed me really gently a hundred times & put his hands gently on my body & i felt so accepted & loved. & i knew that was his intention — even when i was “hearing” something else before.

    i’m loving my new mantra : )

    i’m also loving my new decision to Stop “anger” & also “self-criticism” — or… don’t act from those places, just listen to them & then love into it, & then go from there. i notice some things are “slower” than others for me to Stop — or, rather, they are very fast-paced, high-trajectory “Forces” in my psyche…

    ooh & i was able to “let go” of so many things yesterday….. just inconsequential things that would make my paranoid self be like, “oh ! does that maybe sort of signal the tiniest worn thread hanging limply off the ripped seam of a dusty red flag ? ” LOL shut up lk !!!

  355.  #355lk on April 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

    (((Radlove))) thank you : ) nice to “see” you lol, i was missing you the other day : )

  356.  #356Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Ok, if anyone cares to comment on this, I welcome your feedback. I ran this stuff by a close friend of mine, someone who has known me for 22 years:

    I think you have toxic fingers…….You moved from bad to worse with these latest things you texted R. It is like you are making a list of all the reasons why he should not have any kind of relationship with you. As he would say, it sounds ‘whack’. It screams, ‘I have no self esteem and fractured relationship skills’; and it also suggests that someone so ‘love starved and vulnerable’ will act on impulse anywhere, anytime, with anyone, so really is someone he cannot trust or rely on. And, on top of that, you are apologetic; and the way this comes off is that it makes you sound very weak. He needs the opposite things in any kind of relationship with anyone, especially a woman. He needs solace from the things that torment him; not being pinned, and tormented some more for really nothing at all. Remember that he has trouble processing other people’s emotions, reactions; as well as his own internal stuff, combined with making emotional responses to others he is dealing with. You are so capable of so much more than this kind of thing. If you wanted to apologize you should have tried something like:

    ‘R, I am sorry that I made you feel responsible for my downer of a mood and my hurt feelings. Please forgive me; it is not your fault in any way. It won’t happen again, I do not want to hurt or anger you, or to destroy our friendship; and I know this could happen.’

    Did I blow it all over again by texting what I did?

  357.  #357lk on April 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

    LOL i can just imagine what he wanted to say… ” actually, LK, i bet you have so much gunk built up in your large intestine… if you got your colon water-blasted, you’d lose at least 5 pounds in stagnated fecal matter” THANKS FOR THE TIP, BUDDY ! lol & then he’d be like, “plus, we eat way more processed foods than we should & if we ate the amount of greens we should, i bet you’d lose another 10 lbs…. ghandi only weighed 103” lol & then he’d start telling me about his Wilderness friends with Clean Diets who could fertilize their growing soil with their own waste ! miracles of modern-day humanity ! cultural anomalies ! LOL but that is why i love him… : )

  358.  #358Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I am trying to be forgiving of myself, as Iamabutterfly was talking about. But I just feel so frustrated, like when will i ever get good at deep relationships.

    Most people tell me I’m very natural and have good etiquette with people. But they don’t see me when my insecurities come to the surface.

  359.  #359Francesca on April 24, 2012 at 9:28 am

    “Did I blow it all over again by texting what I did?”

    I think you know the answer already, Rad.

    However, I do not think all is lost but you have got to stop texting him now!

  360.  #360Francesca on April 24, 2012 at 9:30 am

    You have an opportunity to put him on the back of your horse now with that date you’re going to have.

    Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try and see if something could come up of that meeting?

    That CD came back to you, I hope you will meet him.

    Perhaps give yourself another chance?

  361.  #361Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 9:37 am

    RadLove I also believe that “deep” relationship might be part of your self sabotage. Some people prefer easy breezy over deep. Sometimes when you write it I feel a stranglehold choke around my neck like being pulled underwater. The frustration reads like trying too hard. I kinda agree with some of what your friend sad but my insides said “just change the words you use to describe yourself” like having fractured relational skills. Words are powerful and when we change what we say about ourselves it will change people’s perception of us and how they see us.

    “I am a whole human being”.

  362.  #362lk on April 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

    wow, femininewoman… that is so beautiful to read & i feel your power from here…. amazing

  363.  #363Goodheart on April 24, 2012 at 9:44 am

    LK (351), you crack me up 🙂

  364.  #364Goodheart on April 24, 2012 at 9:46 am

    The universe doesn’t respond to who you are.

    It responds to who you think you are.

    Think the best~

  365.  #365Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Hi Radlove. Sorry you are struggling with R again. Hugs!

    A couple thoughts for you (with much LOVE) ….

    You wrote: “I feel confused about when to use feeling messages and when to just swallow my feelings.”

    NEVER swallow your feelings!

    FEEL your feelings. ALWAYS.

    And then CHOOSE which ones to share with a man, using non-blaming feeling messages.

    Our feelings are OURS. We feel them; we own them.

    I know sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between sharing a feeling, sharing a thought, and sharing blame. Maybe as a rule of thumb for now, you could avoid using any “feelings” that end with “-ed.”

    When they end with “-ed” they are usually not really feelings. So, “punished,” “blamed,” etc. would go.

    Find out what your EMOTIONS are underneath the THOUGHT, the story, that you are being punished or blamed:

    Do you feel sad, angry, helpless, frustrated?

    If you want to share your feelings with a man, share THAT feeling, the real one underneath, instead of what you think he’s “doing” to you disguised as a FM.

    (And remember, he’s not responsible for the fact that you feel that way!)

    Lastly, I have noticed a recurring theme that you “feel punished.” I know that you think he may actually be purposely punishing you — yet that is “getting in his business.”

    And it might not even be true!

    What’s surely true is that for some reason YOU get the thought that you are being punished… and I wonder if that is a trigger inside you from childhood.

    Even if someone is punishing you, why are you attracting that into your life? To HEAL it.

    When you heal it, it will stop being a part of your life, whether real or perceived.

    I have been experimenting with turning thoughts around for myself so that I don’t have thoughts that anyone is “doing” anything to me. So if I perceive that someone is blaming or judging me, I am practicing telling myself that they are NOT doing that (because maybe they aren’t!)

    Even if they are, it doesn’t help me to think it.

    My only job is to feel what I feel, regardless of what the other person is doing. I can only control myself.

    So if I think “This person is blaming me” I practice switching to “Maybe this person is not blaming me, but I feel bad about what they are saying” and then I ask myself “What do I want to do about how I feel?”

    When my parents were here recently, I noticed that my mom sometimes sounds blaming and critical toward my dad (to my ears) — and very similar to “my guy.” And I observed very carefully my dad’s response: again and again he turned to humor and made a joke based on her comment – (and not a hurtful joke — a fun and light-hearted one). I was amazed. I asked him about it eventually, and he said he learned to do that over the years, and that he knows she loves him and doesn’t mean to sound that way.

    I hope some of this helps.

    I love you!!!

    You have come a long way.



  366.  #366Starla on April 24, 2012 at 10:03 am

    yay i feel so validated to see someone else say they avoid feeling messages that end in -ed.

  367.  #367Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

    Radlove- Sweetheart – YOU are punishing YOU in all of this.

    By leaning forward, by not believing what R is telling you (which could change, but you’re banking everything on that it will), by apologizing for who you are (it’s okay to have flaws, we ALL have them, make mistakes, we ALL do it), by then beating yourself up afterwards no matter what you said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do. You just can’t “win” with yourself.

    You really and truly have all the tools at your disposal, and I have seen you use them all, each and every one, successfully.

    As it so happens, I’m writing right now about when old triggers come to call. It will be published this afternoon likely. Look for it. And please feel free to write if you feel the need.


  368.  #368Calypso on April 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

    I just broke down and texted GM with, “I hope your week is going good! I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!” . . . just to test the waters and see if I could tell why he was being so quiet.

    he took a few minutes, then replied, “Sh_tty start, I hope the rest of the week is better”.

    I said, “We will have BIG fun” and left it at that.

    I hope we have big fun.

    I know for sure I don’t want to pretend we are “Just Friends”. I don’t need a committment from him right now – I don’t want the pressure or the worry – I just need some great sex and some fun and the promise that we can do it again sometime!

    I have needs that are not being met right now . . .

  369.  #369Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Radlove, I feel curious about what exactly is happening on your first dates regarding men wanting sex.

    I have rarely experienced that problem on a first date, so I feel curious why this is happening for you, and what exactly it is that men are saying/doing.


  370.  #370Mary on April 24, 2012 at 10:31 am

    I have a question/problem I would like help with: If your guy says he is trying to stay more focused and use his time better, and he mentions certain specific things that he wants to stop wasting time on, and then you see him keep going back to those things he said he wanted to stop (and you know he ends up mad at himself and frustrated about not meeting his goals), is there anything the woman who loves him can do to help? Or do we just watch him keep failing at his own goals and keep feeling bad about himself? Thanks! (Mary)

  371.  #371lk on April 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

    dominique, in one of your articles you talk about women becoming “confused” viewing sexual scenes — i do feel “as if” the scene is taking place “to me” & also i suppose then i assume that my man is imagining that he is “perpetrating the action” in the scene. feels sick & cold in my belly. i can hardly bear to be around men who can watch a rxpe scene with their eyes open. actually, i want to hurt them – defensively. i feel angry & vulnerable & “endangered” : (

    i feel curious, outside of trusting my man & respecting him to handle his own Commitment to me (even in his “imagination” lol)…. is there a way i can feel less angry about this ?

    i suppose i do have a Belief that “Nude Women On Television” have a really really low “value” in our culture & i feel angry about that…. like, well you made them do it ! you convinced them that they would be worshiped then like goddesses & instead they just get meme-d into pixelated viral trash & i feel afraid that somehow my own nudity & body is diminished in value by their acts of exposure.

    (((lk))) i feel confused, but also happy & safe in this exploration : )

  372.  #372CurvySiren10 on April 24, 2012 at 10:35 am

    Radlove, I think your friend basically nailed it. S/he sounds very insightful. I believe that what you see as total openness and honesty with R comes off to him (and us, to be blunt) as self-loathing, doubt and very far from what a self-loving Siren would think and/or say.

    You are making great progress, but without that GENUINE self-love and confidence developing, the “vibe” will always tell a different story. In my estimation, THAT is what your focus should be on at this point, not a relationship of any kind with R.

  373.  #373Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Curvy Siren, I like your comments to Radlove. Now I am remembering something I heard once that might also be helpful –

    Never say anything about yourself (to others or internally) that you wouldn’t say to your own child.


  374.  #374GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Hi Ladies…how is everyone today.

    Gosh, it’s been such a hectic day & I’ve gotten nothing accomplished. I was exhausted before it even started. I haven’t been sleeping the greatest. Just having lunch now, an hour late. Still no word from BoatGuy. I’m feeling very disregarded and disconnected right now. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

    I keep thinking about what Mr. Observant was asking me and saying to me. My girlfriend said he is a nice guy but has issues and I keep thinking, maybe so, but I have issues and he was pretty direct and could communicate and didn’t run away with his tail between his legs. If he was actually divorced, I would probably consider it. But, then I start thinking, would I consider it because he does have issue and that is what I attract, so apparently, I’m attracted to men with issues and I should probably be running the other way. Probably so, and I will just get myself into a different kind of bad relationship because that’s what I’m good at?

    I don’t know. I’m feeling very mad and hurt about BoatGuy right now and focusing on Mr. Observant helps to take my mind off of it for the moment. I felt good when he was hitting on me. And, those eyes…

  375.  #375Emerson on April 24, 2012 at 11:06 am


    I understand your need to want to express yourself to R in the texts. I have so so been there and I get the same sense of urgency sometimes and want to SAY SOMETHING….and I want to be acknowledged/comforted in return.

    BUT I have learned the hard way that **less** is more….
    If I keep my feeling messages short and non-explainey, men react in really amazing ways….even if it’s negative like “I feel cranky” or something like that.
    Being too “explainey” I’ve reminded myself is a form of control….

    Also some of the things you are expressing about not feeling loved (((sending hugs hugs for that & I love you!!!!!))) I would reserve some of that type of expressing for a counselor or support group…our men sometimes cannot process or support us in that and we may end up feeling let down even tho it’s not his fault if he does not have the knowledge/capacity to know how to respond to us therapeutically…even tho he may actually indeed care for us deeply and feel sad hearing that we feel that way.

    ((hugs)) to both of us as we learn and grow….

  376.  #376Emerson on April 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Also Radlove this article is so appropo for both of us explainey gals! I keep re-reading it and it’s so helpful! ((LOVE to you))

  377.  #377Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 11:11 am

    lk – I’m not sure if you already understand this and were just musing.

    Men don’t become attached and involved with images like we do. Like you said we can feel it’s happening to us, like we’re right there.

    Men not so much. They have a wonderful way of not so much detaching as compartmentalizing this. And it’s not just a r*pe or other s*x scene that they will not have any problem looking at, eyes wide open. They will look at all kinds of blood and gore too and not bat an eyelash, something many of us would have to close our eyes to until the scene was finished.

    Even if they become physically or mentally aroused or both to a n*aked image of a woman or a s*x scene, there is still NO connection with the image.

    (I will qualify this and say that a single man or a not deeply committed and in love man may imagine touching or having s*x with the image of arousal if he’s in that state or frame of mind, but not a man who loves you and loves having sex with you.)

    So if you can keep these thoughts in mind when this come up for you, it will help. And you can always ask for reassurance if the feelings overwhelm. You’ve been with your man long enough and are close enough to go here.


  378.  #378Jilly on April 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Dominique…I feel the relief in your words…I feel safe and reassured and like…of course..no need to worry 🙂

  379.  #379Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Jilly – 🙂


  380.  #380GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

    @344 Starla

    I wasn’t truly single in my adult life until I was 32 and then I was single for 3 years. It was nice to have that time not having a relationship, although I did still have some drama with ShyGuy.

  381.  #381lk on April 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm


    yes…. thank you. i Believe that what you say is true & i have Observed it in cd…. like, he could take it or leave it, but prefers to avoid scenes of sexual violence in general, which i appreciate. & i hear you about how men can sit & watch, without batting a pretty eyelash : )

    hmmm… but still, *I* feel…….. exposed ? violated ? diminished ? de-valued ?

    even just admitting that & honoring that i feel that way feels Loads better : )

    however… i hear all those “feelings” as very blame-oriented.

    i read a lot & i was always “taught in school” that we had done away with those old Systems that “Oppressed Women” – however, now that i am living actively in this culture, without “Parental Guardians” or “Academic Censors” I find myself overwhelmed by the idea that men & women alike are driven further & further down into layers & layers of Oppression.

    i’m thinking of addictions, prohibitions; dissemination of “bad” medical & nutritional “facts”…..

    i love myself & my frustrations & i trust individual humans.

    now i’m picturing Hollywood like a big plaster godzilla & i’m feeling better about “cogs” & how it is not one person’s “Idea” & people are not “trying” to “Do Something”…. & i’m feeling more personally Safe.

    that is the other thing cd mentioned may be a difference between us.

    my parents “prohibited” things… & addressed “Hollywood” issues as “Real Issues” (this mentality was perpetuated in academic settings – “analysis” of film as a sort of social-science exercise)

    his parents allowed everything (or “permitted” – as most “exposure” was due to older siblings)…. but he explained this morning that, although he would not want his own children exposed to the same things, his parents Drilled Into Him the idea that Hollywood is Not Real.

    ooh sorry, dominique : ) lots of rambling typing, but thank you for responding to me earlier. your words feel so healing !

  382.  #382GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    @359 Lucy , I really liked your comment.

    @Radlove – I can see myself sometimes in your comments. You’re trying too hard to make things right. Just like this posts says. I find I do that too. I’m trying to change that and it’s hard for me too.

  383.  #383Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    This is a response to something I noticed Daria posted in the last thread – that men are big softies inside.

    They are!

    I think it scares me to know this, and to know how fragile they can be, even when (or especially when) they appear so strong and “masculine” – but that masculinity itself has a soft side. And I am so afraid of hurting them, that I probably do a lot of “wrong” things – including being too afraid of hurting them. They don’t want that. They want to be treated AS IF they are strong and non-vulnerable, even though they HAVE softness and vulnerability.

    But I just find myself so aware of their vulnerability that I think it makes me nervous. I don’t want to hurt them, so I might avoid telling the truth. 🙁

    That’s so sad, because then I never get to have a relationship… : (

  384.  #384lk on April 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    if i took responsibility for those feelings… instead of blaming “Hollywood” or “the Man”…. how would i describe it ?

    i feel…. as if someone is holding a mirror up in front of me & saying, there – that is what you are – 30 seconds of full-frontal, a little taut skin, pink nxpples, getting fxcked – hope you liked it. NEXT.

    jeeeeeeeez, lk. how intensely yucky. i did not know about that feeling.

    you know my parents ALWAYS used to warn me about taking my shirt off for the camera. seriously. like, “don’t talk to strangers” “don’t swim when there’s lightening” “if someone wants to take your picture, don’t let them convince you to take your shirt off”

    this is so weird. i feel very scared & i’m crying.

  385.  #385Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I gotta confess, I really did like VM, a LOT. And I know he liked me, a lot. I know we were both really disappointed that it didn’t “work out.” We were both really hoping for “a relationship.” We had the same goals. We had the same desires. We turned each other on. There must be something in there that’s okay. That’s good, even.

    I feel fine on my own, dating and flirting with other people, and I’m okay with it “not working out.” But I miss my big, hunky, VM sometimes. He was a good guy. I just had trouble accepting him for who he was…

    Accepting me for who I am….

    And processing my intense and overwhelming emotions…

    I wanted “help” from him, and he was giving it to me, and I was rejecting him…

    And in the process, I rejected myself and the relationship…

    All because of the idea that I am alone, that nobody loves me or understands me, no one will listen to me, no one can be trusted, and no one will help me or give me what I need.

    Aw. That’s sad 🙁

    (((Hugs))) to me.

    I am enough. Just the way I am.

  386.  #386Starla on April 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    i am unsubscribing from all coaches except tinque and rori, oh and katarina phang cuz she’s a HOOT. deleting them from my facebook and email lists.

    i need to simplify my mental and emotional landscape when it comes to this relationship stuff.

    love is easy and effortless!

    and rori and tinque are really the only ones who teach this in any form.

  387.  #387GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    @Starla – who is tinque?

  388.  #388Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    When an old trigger comes to call.

    Thanks Dominique

  389.  #389Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    tinque/Dominique click on her name in her comments

  390.  #390Starla on April 24, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    sorry sorry, dominique, not tinque

  391.  #391siren song on April 24, 2012 at 12:48 pm


    i did the same thing last week…cleaned house except for rori and dominique. and virginia clark. she’s lovely.

  392.  #392T-Girl on April 24, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Starla- I know you have mentionec that you dont like male relationship coaches but I find their perspective really helps to see a man’s point of view. I like how Jonathan Aslay communicates to women about the male mind.

  393.  #393lk on April 24, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    I guess that it doesn’t really matter the intent behind the show or anything, if i feel uncomfortable watching it.

    i agree with CD’s point that one television show is not a cultural referendum. it does not reflect the entire social “Reality”

    also, it does not “do anything to me” to see another woman do something i would not want to do. i cannot be “devalued” by someone else’s art.

    & also, they have every right to create whatever art or tell whatever story they want. just as i do : ) it’s very important to respect art & i value respecting freedom of expression & freedom to tell the stories of one’s individual experience.

    doesn’t bother me if CD watches it, but i can say, actually i feel better watching shows that are easier on my poor baby-ish eyes : )))

  394.  #394lk on April 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    because i feel afraid of being forced to take my clothes off to survive

    that is important & that is what makes me cry.

    ((((humans)))) love to me & love to all the humans

  395.  #395Starla on April 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    thanks for the suggestion, t-girl:)

  396.  #396Starla on April 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    just opened up my email accidentally to find an email from CF from right before things turned quickly sour. it starts, “oh Starla, you continue to amaze me with your wonderfulness”

    oh really?
    confused weirdo

  397.  #397lk on April 24, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    i am feeling wayyyy goo-ey relaxed after all that

  398.  #398lk on April 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    i notice a pattern of Beliefs that “when i feel upset, it is related to my partner” …… like…. almost as if – even though i may not assign responsibility as the *cause* of my emotions – i expect them to Care For Me *because* i am feeling distressed.

    if i believe that “feeling distressed” results in being Cared For…. well… that is not a healthy cycle to set up or perpetuate

    love you lk. it’s ok baby : )

    i’m feeling super-empowered that i didn’t make this about cd at all…. even though it felt “tied to” Him… & i’m feeling super-loving & sweet toward him because he seemed to read my mind that it was still weighing on me this morning ! & he helped me process it & see it in a new way ! (((cd))) thank you, baby : )

  399.  #399Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Not a problem lk. I enjoy your “ramblings”. I too have confused feelings around all you say. It can be tricky to maneuver on a thinking level. For me on a feeling level, if it feels bad, I just don’t go there.

    I can’t change those things, but I can change me, and in my changes, I can heal the world just that little bit. So can you.


  400.  #400Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I feel honored Starla, really. 🙂 <3


  401.  #401Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Giving Girl – I used to use Tinque as my blog name as well as professional name, but I decided recently that it felt like hiding to me, and since I teach authenticity, I “came out” though my real name was never really a secret.


  402.  #402Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    You’re welcome Femininewoman. How are your poor fingers?


  403.  #403Starla on April 24, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    feeling super duper angry and irritated at the sudden 180 CF pulled. ready to move the eff on.

  404.  #404lk on April 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    thanks so much, dominique : )

    i feel so much better & “heard” because of the way you talked about all the…. “cr8zy” “Gremlin” voices that tell weird stories : )

    it makes it a lot easier to really ” hear myself think ” when i acknowledge that there are multiple “voices” in there & that some of them are just very silly : ))

    thank you!!!

  405.  #405Starla on April 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm


  406.  #406Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    lk – 🙂


  407.  #407Dominique on April 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Feel it Starla; feel it all, so then you can move onto another feeling, maybe a better feeling one.


  408.  #408lk on April 24, 2012 at 2:32 pm


    dxmn, girl you are going to have a good work-out : )

  409.  #409Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Poor fingers still not out of the woods yet. A friend got me some comfrey, trace minerals and arnica that I hope will help

  410.  #410Starla on April 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    so i haven’t been particularly pushy trying to get CF to talk to me, and for that, i feel super proud of myself! overall i left 1 voicemail and 1 text a few days later asking if there was any reason in particular he’s not speaking to me. No response.

    So tonight, I feel excited and relieved to announce I’ll be sending him just one more text, that says i tried to contact him a couple of times and i really, really hope he’s doing okay, and i just want him to know i’m going to stop contacting him for a while. i’ll say that it’s not because i don’t have feelings for him, but because it’s just not fair for either of us and we both need space from each other.

    that makes for 1 voicemail and 2 texts. Not bad. I feel really proud of me.

    then i am going to gather up everything he gave me and put it in a box, and get it out of sight. i’ll send all his emails I saved to a junk address of mine for safe keeping, and delete him out of my main email’s contacts. I’ll write down his phone number and email on a piece of paper and put it in the box, and delete all my call logs.

    and tomorrow, when i wake up, i’ll encourage myself not to worry for even a second about if he’s contacting me. because i’m “killing” him in my mind.

    i’m not sure if this is the sireniest thing to do, but I’ve put a lot of thought into it and this will be the healthiest for ME.

  411.  #411Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Wow, gosh I feel so angry! When I’m not angry I think how interesting it would be to feel my anger and watch it expand like a hot air balloon. Then when I am angry, I feel awful… like crying, screaming, breaking things.

    Oh yeah, that was right, the vampire scream – perhaps I need that.

    No idea what got me so angry. Could be my NVs… probably and then my keyboard wouldn’t work when I finally got in the mode of getting my work done. Now that I’m in bed after giving up on my keyboard, it begins to work again. Damnit, I feel so angry!! What on earth does that mean. I am totally taking it personally that my keyboard would do this to me. What the h3ll, I feel like a complete nut feeling this way and analyzing it this way.

    AARRRRGHHH!! Feeling so angry!! Maybe it’s because I ‘m sick and tired of giving and giving in the hopes of achieving what I want from my profession. My NVs say it’s hopeless and people are just using me… I do know better though…

    I feel soooooo angry!!!! ARRRRGGHHHHH!!!!

    And now my damn keyboard is working!!!! So angry!!

  412.  #412lk on April 24, 2012 at 2:54 pm


    i feel my heart rise up high in my chest & like it is radiating heat when i read about your hand…. i feel very “moved” & “excited” for some reason. yes, very excited. i wonder why. like, “OOH i can’t wait ! ” i feel very inspired & magical thinking of you & your…. honestly, i picture it being “delight” in your “injury” & i’m feeling sweet & teary-eyed : )

    love you : )

  413.  #413Starla on April 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Queenbee, NOTHING is more maddening than a broken-ass janky motherf*cking keyboard.

  414.  #414lk on April 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm



    i’ve been working on it… & it doesn’t work to just “get angry” or to “stop feeling angry” but it works to say, wooooosh i feel angry, what’s something else i can think of ? oh, i like to eat potato chips with hot sauce on them : ) i like old fashioned candy shops : ) i like seeing transvestites in small towns : )

  415.  #415Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    The joint of the whole baby finger is now stiff.

  416.  #416lk on April 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm


  417.  #417Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    I have another confession to make. This is like my deepest, darkest, most un-cool secret (in this day and age).

    And that is that, I don’t give a sh*t about career. I of course want to make my own money. I want to work because it’s fun and I enjoy it, and I want to be fairly (more than fairly – generously!:) compensated for my myriad, worthwhile, valuable skills and talents. But I don’t care about “supporting myself.” I don’t care about having a career trajectory and/or climbing the corporate ladder. I don’t want lots of accolades and awards (unless it’s for something that I know I’m really good at). I just want to do what makes me happy, that feels fun.

    My REAL goal, and what I want for my life is that I want to be a mother. I want to be a mom, and I want to be someone’s partner in marriage and have a family. This is really ALL that I want. This is what’s important. This is all I really care about. The rest is gravy.

    Maybe I care about it SO MUCH, that I am SO AFRAID of screwing it up, that I just constantly shoot myself in the foot.

    What’s so deep-dark and secret about this wish and this desire is that I would seriously not mind if I was in a situation where the man was the bread-earner for the household, and I didn’t HAVE to work. I COULD work, if I wanted to. But that I wouldn’t be obligated, and I wouldn’t have to worry about it.

    That is so uncool these days. I think all my friends would probably shoot me if they knew about this. I feel ridiculous and selfish for admitting it. But this is the truest thing about me that I can think of. This has been true all my life, as long as I can remember.

    And it seems scary to admit this to a guy, too – that he might think that I’m a “freel-loader” or that I’m “lazy” or that I don’t want to work, so I’ll just take advantage of him. But really, I just want to be comfortable. I don’t want the pressure of “having” to work. I want to get to CHOOSE to do it because I want to. And it would just feel so good to have a man in my life who honestly didn’t mind being the one to “bring home the bacon” so to speak. And if he didn’t mind – great! I wouldn’t mind, either. I would help out in other ways. I would bring OTHER things to the table – my wisdom, my experience, my creativity, my joy. I would be able to focus more on being the excellent mother I know I am and know I can be. I would be able to concentrate on being a good partner, and I would help manage the finances, even if I didn’t make as much as he did. To me, that would be the ideal situation. And ideally, the money wouldn’t even matter. it would just be something that we would use to facilitate our lives and to fuel the relationship. It would be a GOOD thing.

    That, my dears, is my deep, dark secret. My uncool thing. Gah! But it’s also pretty feminine, though, isn’t it?? I am afraid my own femininity – eep!

  418.  #418Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks lk

    Starla your 406 gave me a good laugh

  419.  #419LiliBee on April 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm



    This is priceless, and I feel glowing with happiness reading it:

    “You are making great progress, but without that GENUINE self-love and confidence developing, the “vibe” will always tell a different story. In my estimation, THAT is what your focus should be on at this point, not a relationship of any kind with R.”

    That was the key for me: To focus on my relationship with me and not with him.
    That is exactly how I got to feeling peaceful and happy and they have been my predominent feelings for 3 months now…and everyone’s attitude towards me changed including my man’s.

    I feel so alive connecting with myself! 🙂

  420.  #420Jessie1000 on April 24, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    I feel good when i get attention
    i dont feel good when im alone
    i feel my insecurities rise over my worth
    what is someones worth?
    how do you measure it?
    by hanging in for me?
    by listening to me?
    by being attentive to me?
    by opening doors?
    by closing doors?

  421.  #421Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Thanks Starla – lol, that feels pretty good to hear. You’re right, it is awful…aughoigohrghg!!! Your comment makes me feel smiley though 🙂

    Thanks lk. I find it sooo hard to think of things I like. I end up saying hateful things about the things I like and using scatological language before every word 🙁 I’ll give it a try though. I’m trying to sink in, breathe and love myself through the angry feelings. Maybe also not be so hung up on how much time I lost trying to get my keyboard to work. I can procrastinate for days on a specific thing and then get upset about a couple hours… 🙁 I still feel bad about the hours coz I know I could have made progress.

    Tiffany – your dark, uncool secret isn’t that dark or uncool. It’s actually really sweet. I wish sometimes I could also just want that. I’m completely the opposite and have this amazing career. Sometimes, I feel completely overwhelmed by my potential, and I too want to be a mother and partner. I guess it just depends…. I had a friend in highschool who would say straight out she wanted to be a ‘housewife’ … and the teachers would get freaked out. But she did it. Married a blonde/ blue eyes man, which is what she wanted and became a mother/ housewife. When the kids grew up a bit, she went to college etc. Just what she wanted. I do admire women who can go for the relationship first before the career. It seems they avoid all the cr@p that some of us on Siren Island are going through… 🙁

    In Rori’s modern siren, she points out that being a siren is about not being afraid to be wildly successful. That’s really where the feminine power is, not necessarily being at home or going out to work specifically. I feel bad hearing that staying at home is femininity… feels like a limiting belief. What do you think?


  422.  #422Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    (((((((((((FW’s Fingers)))))))))))))) Sending you loads of Siren healing energy!

  423.  #423Rori Raye on April 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    ooo, Mary, what a great question….I need to think on this and write a bit about it – and my first instinct is this: When he gets frustrated and brings that to you (don’t just offer this…)tell the truth…”I remember when you shared with me your goals about how you spend your time and want to stay focused — and I’m feeling conflicted…how do you want me to handle it when I see you doing those things you told me you didn’t want to do? When I see you angry and frustrated, I’m not sure what you want me to do? I feel helpless. I want to be a good girlfriend. Do you want me to bring it to your attention, or keep my mouth shut? Do you want help with this, or do you want me to stay out of it?”

  424.  #424Ella on April 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Hello Sirens.

    I’m just off to bed so just stopped in quickly.

    Love this place.

    Feeling pretty good in my life right now.

    Night night.


  425.  #425Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Hi sirens… Changing ohiocd to So ready CD… Because he really is ready for a relationship. We texted a lot today, and I shared my concerns that I felt a little worried that he seems to know exactly what he wants in a relationship and might try to fit me into a role. That I want to be loved and appreciated for who I am. We talked about the finance thing because he’s mentioned that a few times. I said I didn’t want to be the primary breadwinner in a relationship or feel that responsibility. He said that wasnt what he meant. Wants to have a comfortable life, and in this day often takes two incomes, but that he wanted to be the primary provider. He told me what he makes, and it’s almost double what I do. So, I feel much relieved, that it’s out there. I am not assuming things.

    We also talked about the 5 love languages and I shared mine. He liked them all, said he’d have to think about it. He’s mimicking my feeling messages , not sure he even realizes it…. Lol. We talked about a lot more… Was good. 🙂 we are doing dinner and a Movie Saturday and I’m looking forward to spending some more time together. It feels so relieving to feel heard. Whew! I haven’t heard from any of my other CD’s today,…. Just noticed! Huh… Well that’s ok. Maybe I’ll talk to them tomorrow.

  426.  #426Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Starla, if you haven’t sent that yet, I wouldn’t tell him you aren’t going to contact hi
    For awhile or that you both need space. It sounds controlling when you can’t control. He may never return a call or text, which Is ridiculous, but may not happen. Texting to say you aren’t going to text doesn’t sit well with me. I’d text and say how disappointed I am to not hear from him and that it feels confusing or irritating or whatever to have someone important just walk away…. But that you respect his decision and won’t contact him again. (only if you can stick to it) or respect his decision and wish him well and goodbye.

  427.  #427Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Radlove, I hope you stopped texting.

    On regards to men wanting sex on first dates, I am not encountering this either. Are the conversations going there before you meet them?

  428.  #428Femininewoman on April 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Hi Rori, I feel so very sad tonight.I am 2 months away from my 40th birthday and I am unmarried.I used to be a career woman and then decided that after all I want to share my life with someone special. But I suck at attracting assholes(excuse the french).I am tired of being hurt and then having to nurture myself back to feeling some selfworth. I view men at the moment as enemies, but I still feel somewhere deep down inside of me that there is an enemy who can love me and I him.I feel very down at the moment.I have always been scared of owning my feminine power, I dont even know exactly what it is and how to use it to my advantage and I am scared silly of dating.So relationships just sort of happen.I dont like this.And I feel murderous at the moment of the guy I have been seeing on and off.I need pampering ans someone to hold me hand.I cant do this shit(sorry) anymore.I want my own man-why are they the way the are.
    2975: Rori Raye says:
    Sharon – I’m going to hit your comment hard. Your attitude is what’s killing you. No one else is holding the hammer that’s hitting you over the head – you’re doing it to yourself. If you’re scared to date – then that clearly is what you need to be doing – until you begin to love the experience of meeting new men and working my Tools with them. I wish you so much love. Rori

  429.  #429Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I want to invite music man over so bad!

  430.  #430Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    I am uncaged 🙂

  431.  #431Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Tiffany, I wanted that too and told my husband before we were married that I wanted to be a stay home mom. He made enough to support us, so we did that. I am not driven to have a huge career either, I want to be as available as I can to my kids. I do look forward to finding a more financially rewarding career in the future, but it may include writing or work from home. I’m not sure. I do hope it includes travel though 🙂

    What you desire most, shouldn’t feel like a deep dark secret…. It felt amazing to raise my babies, and not put them in daycare. I never regretted it. My ex has the big career so we could afford it, and I love that he worked so hard to give us that. I have a very low stress job now, close to home and flexible hours. Pay isn’t amazing, but enough that we are comfortable.

  432.  #432Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I did teach though when we were first married and I absolutely loved it. It felt hard to leave, but I hated daycare when I was a kid, and didn’t want to send mine there.

  433.  #433GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    So BoatGuy just texted me, “hi xxx. Its cold here. I don’t even know what to reply to him.

  434.  #434Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    Sun goddess…. Why don’t you then?

  435.  #435Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm


    Not sure it’s a good idea. I feel kind of sexually needy right now.

  436.  #436Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    Sun goddess.. Lol.. Oh boy : ) did you decide what to do about lp?

    Gg… I hate those kinds of texts. Like they are testing the water or something. I wait at least 10 min. To reply.

  437.  #437Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 5:30 pm


    No, I’m going day to day with everything. I love LP but he doesn’t give me everything I could have. Maybe I need to tell him exactly what I need so he can decide if he can be that man.

  438.  #438GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    @ Turquiose

    I know. He should be cause I haven’t heard from him in 6 days.

  439.  #439Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Sun goddess… That sounds like a really good plan!

  440.  #440Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    Giving Girl, thanks for saying you liked my comment. Feels good to be appreciated. 🙂

  441.  #441GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    @417 Tiffany

    You are not alone girlfriend, I feel exactly the same way.

  442.  #442GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    @ Lucy

    You are very welcome 🙂

  443.  #443Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Starla, I feel excited about you unsubscribing to most coaches. Lol. Is that a weird thing to feel excited about? I recently unsubscribed to three of them, and I have felt much better! Much less noise in my head….

  444.  #444Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    I sent music man a smiley face text to see if he’s available. If he replies soon, im going to invite him over!

  445.  #445GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    I can reply

    “yes it is.”


    “oh, you’re home? how was vacation?”


    “I feel surprised to hear from you.”

  446.  #446GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    “oh, when did you get home?” is what I really want to say.

  447.  #447GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    “I haven’t heard from you in so long, I felt you walked away without saying goodbye. I felt forgotten.”

  448.  #448GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    “Has it been a week already?”

  449.  #449Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Giving girl,

    Why not just “hi” and see what he does from there?

  450.  #450GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    @Sun Goddess

    I wasn’t going to reply any of those, just venting them. 🙂

    I’ll reply. “Hi. Yes it is.”

  451.  #451Healing Waterall on April 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Hi Sirens
    I am still gazing at Braco!!!!

    I am feeling so good!!!

    Love all of you
    Will catch up with the blog later when Braco is over…


  452.  #452Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:08 pm



  453.  #453GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Part of me wants to wait until the morning to reply. Is that childish? I mean, 6 freaking days??

  454.  #454Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    I would want to too giving girl.

  455.  #455Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    LP is being weird. He invited me to the baseball game for tomorrow but when I called for details he acted like I was bothering him.

    ANcd just called and said I have been on his mind all day.

    Music man just checked in at the gym so at least I know he isn’t ignoring me. Going to lean back now.

  456.  #456GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    @Sun Goddess

    I don’t like it when they act weird. Leaning back is good.

  457.  #457Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    I want to text him, “I was going to invite someone over but they are at the gym.” because he texted me the other day saying he was going to take the day off but someone didnt.

  458.  #458Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

    Sun Goddess, did you have a different name on here before?

  459.  #459Sun Goddess on April 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Yes Lucy…it was ice princess

  460.  #460Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    I am feeling so full of love for my guy right now. I have been feeling so warm and peaceful and cared for with his most recent interactions. *happy sigh*

  461.  #461Lucy on April 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Hmm… I thought it was something else! Okay… 🙂

  462.  #462Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    I forget what I named him… Carpenter cd maybe, but he’s texting and wants to see me tomorrow. I have one free hour, will be a quickie date 🙂

  463.  #463Starla on April 24, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    hey turquoise, thanks for replying to me:) i really really am just doing this for me and without attachment to the outcome. actually, i see saying ‘goodbye’ as controlling, since we never actually said ‘goodbye’ forever. i had a friend recently say goodbye to me forever because i wouldn’t answer his texts, and it really icked me out because i would have DEFINITELY talked to him eventually.

    anyway, i feel really excited to send this text and move along with my life:)

    and also excited to see how i feel as i’m typing it and sending it. because it triggers me so much still! there’s so much to learn about myself in that.

  464.  #464GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Here are some adjectives my parents used to describe me for my project:

    Quiet, deep, full of thought (not easy for others to read your emotions)

    Tight-lipped – unforthcoming (one must pry things out of you)

    Very telling, don’t you think?

  465.  #465GivingGirl on April 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Maybe I should tell him how Mr. Observant was hitting on me Sat. and he asked if I was in a relationship and I felt bad because I didn’t know how to answer that question.

  466.  #466Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    yayyyy i did it! and then i deleted all call logs from my phone. and all his emails from my main account.

    next i am going to put all his little keepsakes away. sigh. this feels sad, actually. but i feel like i’m doing the right thing.

  467.  #467Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    I’ve been stressing all day about overfunctioning this morning after messing up last night with R!

    So around 9 pm, I get a text from R…

    R: I didn’t get the messages you sent me since we talked last. Something happened to my phone.

    B: Awesome! What’s up?

    R: What do you mean? I know you sent me messages because I saw them on there before they were deleted.

    B: It is an answer to prayer that you did not receive them! 🙂 Brenda is a learner, and I just really appreciate a fresh start. How was your day?

    R: Did you pray that I wouldn’t receive them?

    B: I prayed that God would help me to stop sabotaging our friendship, and that you wouldn’t be mad at me. I’m still in process with emotional intelligence. 😉

    R: What did you say in the message?

    B: I was overfunctioning and trying to do damage control. I didn’t say anything bad if that’s what you are wondering. It was more like going from having one foot stuck in my mouth to have two stuck in my mouth. Can I just enjoy God’s answer to my prayers?

    B: (after 5 minutes) Hello?

    R: Hey

    B: Hey

    R: I’m eating

    B: I finished helping Cassandre move and clean today.

    R: Cool

    R: I’m trying to take a nap. I’ll talk to you later.

    B: Ok good night. Thank you.

    This is way cool! I get yet another chance! LOL!

    How was your day? I feel happy!

  468.  #468Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    ok everything’s been put away in a tote bag in my closet. it felt really triggering and saddening to gather everything up.

    now what? i suppose i could take a shower and wash it all away:)

  469.  #469Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    I want a partner who is so natural to be with, that it is like breathing – even when breathing is difficult sometimes, but it is still sustaining.

    I am imagining that I am with this kind of partner right now. That he is right there, if only I could see him, or know he exists. He is right by my side, all the time. I can feel his presence, and it fels warm and supportive to me.

    I can relax, because I know I’ll never be judged. No matter how crazy I act, or how angry I get, he’ll always love me, and I can count on that.

    That feels very reassuring to think about. I am choosing to believe and think and act as if it were true.

    And it feels real.

  470.  #470Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    love to me, forgiveness to me. love is easy and effortless. love to me love to me love to me

    there are no “mistakes,” starla. you kept your cool, you didn’t blame, guilt, beg, yell, or insult. you are a lovely little thing and I’m proud of you and all your strength, and you deserve to be happy no matter what. <3 <3 <3 i love you!

  471.  #471Jilly on April 24, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    WARNING…may cause barfing….

    So Rugby Man and I just had a great texting conversation…

    him: baby I’m not going to make it down tonight, I have to finish up some work stuff in the morning”

    ME: ok baby, I feel mopey but I understand
    (I’ve never said I feel mopey in my life lol)

    HIM: Sorry you’re mopey baby 😉 I’ll make it up to you 😉

    ME: Awww..I like that 🙂 now I don’t feel totally mopey but I’ll have some “I’ll make it up to you” 😉

    HIM: Anything you want baby you just let me know 🙂

    ME: well I already feel beautiful, adored, special, safe, and taken care of with you…I’m sure I can think of something though…

    HIM: I’m glad you feel that way baby 🙂 that’s what i’ve been going for 🙂 you just think of something and let me know 🙂

    ME: sometimes it feels so good and easy it feels scary 🙂

    HIM: I know what you mean baby 🙂

    ME: I feel good hearing that 🙂

    I feel giddy …we just connected on a new level…i’m sorry if anyone barfed or gagged lol

  472.  #472Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    also, your feelings are important and they do matter.

  473.  #473Jilly on April 24, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Tiffany…he is sooo real…just keep imagining him 🙂

  474.  #474Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Hello Sirens and Rori!

    What a great timing for this article! M has been so much in his head and sooo stressed as he is going to custody court in a few weeks… It’s been so difficult not to advise and I have to work very hard at leaning back. Sometimes he is very confident about it and other times I feel him so frazzled and with a ‘short mesh’. It’s hard work as I want to tell him everything is going to be ok and at the same time I don’t want to mother him or advise. Of course he’s situation is naturally very stressful and the best I can do is to just be there. It feels so good to just write about it on the blog!!!

    I need some Siren hugs!

    Other than that I am excited at new job opportunities and I am taking care of some things in my life that needed attention. I am doing some face treatments that are having wonderful results (they were a gift from M) and I am getting to be an expert at green smoothies! Also, spending lots of time with M, my kids and his.

    He has told the kids we will all live together but we just don’t know when yet, and that feels exciting. I have to remind myself though to let go of the outcome and stay a Siren. I feel so hopeful and warm and there are so many changes, I hope these are all for the best for us and that we stay cupped in the protective hands of the Universe.

  475.  #475Tiffany on April 24, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Starla, I can’t see post numbers on my phone, but it made me smile to read about all your CDs that are there for you after CF didn’t step up. Yay!! 🙂

  476.  #476Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    aw, jilly, i love it!
    and i feel so grateful to know what that feels like, too! yay love <3

  477.  #477Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    I notice so many new Siren names on the blog! Have there been a lot of name changes?

  478.  #478Starla on April 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Siren Angel

  479.  #479Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Lucy, I felt scared reading about the email to your man on FB!!! I hope it all works out. But I wonder, could he have gotten into your computer by any chance? I just read here that he deleted the email?

  480.  #480blue rose on April 24, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    this is spam:

    so i’m on a dating site w no picture and minimal info. and a guy 10 years younger than me wrote to me this morning. i wrote back hi and aren’t you going to be late for work.

    please note: he put down what he does, and i do the same thing, only i’m further along and older than him.

    so he wrote back, how do you know so much about what i do.

    and essentially i replied, because i’m one of your supervisors. (i’m not. it just made me laugh to write that this morning).

    so he wrote back tonight “your creepy”. so i wrote back, “i’m just kidding. i have no idea who you are. message people your own age before you really do hit a supervisor”. and i have no idea why i did this, i was being a total snob, i wrote “and it’s spelled you’re not your. it stands for you are”.

    i thought that was the end of it.

    he wrote back “you really are fucking creepy”.

    and that hurt my feelings! but i realize i was antagonizing this guy. i have no idea why i did that. why i was being a snob, why i was being condescending. no idea.

    obviously i’m never writing back to this guy. but would it have killed me to just ignore him in the first place? i think i even replied because we are in the same business.

    i always welcome any thoughts about my ramblings if anyone has them.

  481.  #481Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Starla 🙂 xx

  482.  #482Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Starla, I am reading your posts… ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((STARLA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  483.  #483blue rose on April 24, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    oh, i went into moderation. probably the swear word. i’ll take it out:

  484.  #484blue rose on April 24, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    this is spam:

    so i’m on a dating site w no picture and minimal info. and a guy 10 years younger than me wrote to me this morning. i wrote back hi and aren’t you going to be late for work.

    please note: he put down what he does, and i do the same thing, only i’m further along and older than him.

    so he wrote back, how do you know so much about what i do.

    and essentially i replied, because i’m one of your supervisors. (i’m not. it just made me laugh to write that this morning).

    so he wrote back tonight “your creepy”. so i wrote back, “i’m just kidding. i have no idea who you are. message people your own age before you really do hit a supervisor”. and i have no idea why i did this, i was being a total snob, i wrote “and it’s spelled you’re not your. it stands for you are”.

    i thought that was the end of it.

    he wrote back “you really are f**king creepy”.

    and that hurt my feelings! but i realize i was antagonizing this guy. i have no idea why i did that. why i was being a snob, why i was being condescending. no idea.

    obviously i’m never writing back to this guy. but would it have killed me to just ignore him in the first place? i think i even replied because we are in the same business.

    i always welcome any thoughts about my ramblings if anyone has them.

  485.  #485Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:02 pm


    RE: #427 – I’m not saying they want sex on the first date necessarily, but even when I make it abundantly clear that I am posting in the strictly platonic section because I want it to be strictly platonic and save sex for marriage, they still think they can persuade me to have sex after a few dates.

    I got a simple solution: no more dating on craigslist. Back to dating in person men only who I meet in my every day life.

  486.  #486Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm


    RE: #382 – “@Radlove – I can see myself sometimes in your comments. You’re trying too hard to make things right. Just like this posts says. I find I do that too. I’m trying to change that and it’s hard for me too.”

    Yes, I am trying too hard as this post says. I got a good time of processing today and I’m back on the right track.

  487.  #487Starla on April 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    hmph, i feel pouty. like a pouty 6 year old girl. My inner little girl doesn’t understand why we can’t just keep playing with CF in the sandbox. She wants to keep trying. She’s gonna require a lot of care and attention to stop pouting about this one, especially since she doesn’t understand how anyone would not want to play with her when her heart is so true, or how sometimes they’ll even throw sand at her when she’s playing! She really thinks if she keeps trying, everything will change, so she’s pouting big time that I’m not letting her try right now. She doesn’t understand why there would even be a problem in the first place. Poor thing. I wonder what she would like that might help her feel better.

  488.  #488Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:06 pm


    RE: #375 – Thank you! All good reminders, right on!

    I love you, too! That means a lot to me!

  489.  #489Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    Just lean back (physically AND mentally). Remember the true Siren that you are!!! We all know here what a great Siren you are. 🙂 If CF is not stepping up, he may not be ready or he’s not the right man for you but ALL you CAN do is to be a total Siren, so that a man CAN step up. And you, dear Starla, truly are a Siren as we all know, so chin up buttercup 🙂

  490.  #490Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm


    Re: #372 – Thank you! Yes, that internal shift is still in process. I’ve come a long way, and I give compassion to my weak parts.

    Lucy, thanks, yes, i agree about treating myself as I would a child.

  491.  #491Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 8:13 pm


    I miss the blog. It feels good to spend a little time here tonight and connect with some Sirens.

  492.  #492Siren Angel on April 24, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    and ((Ella))
    and ((Lizka))

  493.  #493Jilly on April 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    ((((Starla))) thank you 🙂 It feels so good to see you staying open and not shutting down

  494.  #494Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    #470 oh Jilly , he is so HOT! No barfing here 🙂

  495.  #495Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:27 pm


    RE: #367 – Awww, thank you so much! I can always count on you to surround me with compassion. I so appreciate what you said. I so need that gentleness in my heart. Totally true.

    I feel in a much better space tonight after my most recent text with R and after processing in depth all day with my friend who I was helping to move.

  496.  #496Starla on April 24, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Shut down? goodness, no! i learned so much wonderfulness from dating CF! I am feeling pretty confident. And I’m proving to myself that I can handle ups and downs and break ups and it won’t hurt me or affect my life or self-care.

  497.  #497Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you siren angel! Hugs to you too !!! Sounds like you are being patient and supportive, and that sounds perfect!

  498.  #498Queenbee on April 24, 2012 at 8:32 pm


  499.  #499Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Radlove, I feel your energy shifts are confusing. To be in such a low with Ryan in one conversation and then to use awesome and !!! In the next feels strange, like trying wayyyy to hard. Your highs are so high and lows are so low…. Maybe it would feel better to mostly converse with R from a middle ground place. Where your emotions are more balanced.

  500.  #500Radlove on April 24, 2012 at 8:45 pm


    RE: #365 – Thank you! I receive all that. i fell asleep during your post so I know it’s time for bed. Good night!

  501.  #501Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    Jilly, you two are so cute 🙂 thanks for sharing all the happy 🙂

    Starla, I have some of my ex’s stuff, to keep safe since he moves around so much…. But it’s interspersed with mine. I need to gather it all up in a box and pack it away. His baby pictures, class ring, some military mementoes, college stuff…. Sigh. I should add the bag of cards and love letters he wrote, pictures of us. Not that those are out and in the open, but in my room. I need a C bedroom. That will feel freeing.

  502.  #502Jilly on April 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    ((((Siren Angel)))))

    (((((Queenbee))))) he is HOT too lol…not a grow on ya kind of thing…his body and build…YUM!!! and his kisses…I haven’t seen him since last Monday…can ya tell??? lol his work is an hour and half a way…so it’s usually every weekend…but we will have tomorrow through Sunday together 🙂

    Starla you a rockstar 🙂

  503.  #503Turquoise on April 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    A C FREE bedroom

  504.  #504siren song on April 24, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Hmmm…my cd tonight told me he’s in an open relationship with someone in a different city. ‘Nothing serious’. I felt pretty okay about this because he has been…intense… about me since we were in our early 20s and it was more than i could handle in the past. I just practiced my skills…eye contact, FMs, leaning back. He asked me out again for next week. I have no intention of getting with a dude who has other women out of town, but he’s is sooooo masculine. I’m going to receive what he has to offer as practice.

    So different from angry guy, who sent me dozens of emails in the past24 hrs, most of which were…angry. He sent back all the emails we’d ever exchanged (as attachments!) explaining that he’d erased them and now ‘they were mine to keep’. He emailed back later saying he was sorry he’d erased them. I felt exhausted just reading his emails. At the end he also told me i ‘was ruining my own life’ by not being exclusive with him and causing us to break up. He also said he didn’t understand why marriage was more important to me than him…

    I feel very relieved to be out of that situation.

  505.  #505Starla on April 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    I had some paranoid thoughts in the shower that maybe CF’s best (girl) friend was on the blog looking for help with her own marriage, and found me talking about CF and showed him everything.

    i dunno. the silent treatment still baffles me.

    but other than that paranoid thought, i mostly thought about my friends and translating song lyrics while i was showering, NOT cf. yay!

  506.  #506siren song on April 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    yay starla!