When You Work With Him And He Just Broke Up With You

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10-6 love yourselfHere’s a great letter from Ashley – and it’s something we’ve all faced:

Ashley’s Question:

“Rori, I realize that there are a million pppl out there especially if I am in the fashion and entertainment industry, but what to I do with this man if he calls me continuously, txt me, email me for work for personal to discuss about everything personal and professional at all hours of the day, but has told me he doesn’t want to be “seeing” each other?

How do I forget about him when even after work around the clock this man is still txting an calling me at all hours and always starting with a work issue then continues on with non work related?

I almost feel like he still expects the boyfriend privileges emotionally and thinks that is ok because we have stopped sleeping together. Di I just ignore him? Should i tell him to stop calling? What do I do say to him?

Also I can not leave the company because i just recently came back into the work force because I juts got divorced 8 months ago and I am now a single mother with a 3 year old daughter.

To have this opportunity as the head designer for this company is already a very fortunate opportunity.

My Answer:

Sit down and write out what this job entails – if you were working for ANYONE.

Appreciate the opportunity.

Set down the rules for calls and contact that you think would apply to anyone in your job.

Let him know when you’re NOT available to talk (“I’m going to church/ballet/opera/movies/nite with girlfriends tonight..if you need me, I’ll be here in the the morning…”).

Talk only business.

You know how to be businesslike.

Put on your boy hat and talk like the head designer you are….lift your head up – you’re doing FANTASTIC!!!

And now you’re in a situation where meeting other men will be EASIER!!

You have meaningful, creative and enjoyable work.

Lots and lots of women are working with exes out there.

You can DO this!

Just make it simple.

Decide to RESPECT this man by taking what he said seriously, and not questioning it.

Just ACCEPT it, trust that it’s for the best, and smile and do your job in the most enjoyable and efficient and creative way possible.

This is supposed to be FUN!!!

Sometimes things don’t work out – You’re okay no matter what. Really, you are, and you have to drill that into your head (where it doesn’t want to be).

Whatever perspective you need to adopt around this situation to make it GOOD for you – DO IT!!!! Just talk yourself into a GOOD story about the situation.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1April Rose on April 4, 2013 at 7:40 am

    “And now you’re in a situation where meeting other men will be EASIER!!

    You have meaningful, creative and enjoyable work.”

    That’s gotta be your priority before any man, hasn’t it? I’m making it mine, and I feel so much more secure in myself.

  2.  #2April Rose on April 4, 2013 at 7:43 am

    “Whatever perspective you need to adopt around this situation to make it GOOD for you – DO IT!!!! Just talk yourself into a GOOD story about the situation.”

    This feels brilliant, and powerful.
    I want to create a good story around myself.

    This is how to rockstar everything, especially for me it’s the jealousy I feel when I see my man around other women.
    I’ll create a good story. Yeah, he’ll enjoy her for ten minutes, maybe. But who does he share his life with? ME!!

  3.  #3Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 7:43 am

    I agree

  4.  #4Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 7:49 am

    “Sometimes things don’t work out – You’re okay no matter what. Really, you are, and you have to drill that into your head (where it doesn’t want to be).”

  5.  #5April Rose on April 4, 2013 at 7:53 am

    I really like this idea about talking yourself into a good story about a situation.

  6.  #6April Rose on April 4, 2013 at 7:55 am

    It’s a way of *creating* confidence.

    If I wait for my confidence to arrive , it never comes.
    I am discovering that confidence is something I can talk myself into.

  7.  #7Indigo on April 4, 2013 at 7:55 am

    I feel so inspired by Sirens today.

    I have such a difficult situaiton coming up for me, challenging me to a place I didn’t think I was ready to go.

    And I think… I might just be ok.

    Thank you all. Linda your strength and insight on the previous thread felt amazing to me.

  8.  #8Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 8:40 am

  9.  #9Daria on April 4, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Big hugs to Turquoise and FeminineWoman

  10.  #10Daria on April 4, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Trigger alert : processing thoughts and analysis off named posts on blog :

    It seems clear to me that Linda is creating ‘drama’ in her relationship.

    First of all, she’s committed to a man and there has been no forever after commitment.

    That is the baseline for the ‘pressure and drama’ to build inside, then show in the relationship.

    She’s clearly calling this man at a time not requested by him – masculine energy.

    Then when he withdraws – moves to maintain his time and emotional boundaries – masculine energy – and respects his masculinity and boundaries in the face of pressure…

    She, after having pushed him away – by stepping into the masculine – , suffers from the distance …

    Blames him (ignores her own power and energetic ways that when she steps into masculine the partner IS put into feminine and there Will be space created)

    And then she continues the masculine energy,

    Demanding to talk

    Ignoring /Disregarding to appreciate his care for her feelings (midnight texts when a man could just go to sleep and address (or not!) masculine energy demands – from a woman with hidden feelings ! Oy! – in the morning, or, preferably to many men, never)

    Thus his step ups are lost. Instead of huge efforts to overcome the masculine energy coming at him and continue to treat her as a feminine woman, – his efforts now seem like weak and lame actions of a not – masculine enough man

    … Remember he was Pushed in this position by masculine energy coming at him

    … His huge masculine energy caring efforts are now seem as nothing or bullshit , due to the stage having been set this way

    Unfortunate, more proof of why commitment before commitment is not the way to create a stable emotional base…

    The inner conflicts become so twisted and invisible that when they become outer conflicts… They seem reasonable and all about the partner…


    Smh at how this must be applying in my own life, as i often want to be ‘friends’ with men, I know I’m setting myself up for all the drama I’ve been experiencing.

    Yet not hanging w men as friends… I feel so lonely 🙁

    I have no other friends…

    This is my ‘story’ right now.

    I still want to go visit this guy in Marin cuz he has a cool house I wana check out.

    I’m ok.

    Keep standards high for dating.

    I feel sad.

    So I’m basically pushing this guy away by doing this.

    And making a habit of it.

    And I still don’t feel like I have consistent friends.

    My old best friend I see is back living down the street… But I think she’s avoiding me – story


    I feel panicked.

    I do Not want to be lonely.

    I can continue having guys as friends yet also date men and behave quite differently w the two ?

    But my feelings of romance get involved w both…

    I feel desperate and panicked at the thought of Not contacting men anymore to hang out

  11.  #11Daria on April 4, 2013 at 9:25 am

    I feel scared and sad. Posting that is a bad idea, not even how Rori said. And I know I’m exposing myself to be ungot/ unheard and feel bad


    Bummer, yet I feel thrilled I see this as I do, I feel sad thinking it will not feel good to share this.

    Ouch sad.

    I feel wow and amazed at this processing

  12.  #12Willow on April 4, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I love scripts.

    You don’t want to talk to him beyond professionally, say so. Make that boundary and turn it into a speech. I think Rori is nicer about this than I’d be. Talk about putting on my boy hat with this guy… sheesh. Think ten gallon cowboy hat with a big silver sheriff star on the front!

    I have some contact boundaries with people I LIKE! I’m one of those highly sensitive people (if you can believe that) and I get burnt out easily and need my solitude for recharge, so I have ZERO tolerance for horse manure like that.

  13.  #13Daria on April 4, 2013 at 9:36 am

    And I feel sad that I still think – story – people w commitment before commitment look down on me like ‘ you’re unstable, you date many men’

    Abd I’m way more stable w my one partner, even though we’re not forever committed and have issues

    I feel fear

    I story that I’m hated on


    They’re gona work it out (in that committed before commitment way) and stuff will work out for them,

    But not for me as I’m not willing to make that commitment before commitment

    Sad sad


    Ohhhhhhhh wat if I go ti the Oakland public library for fun, rather than the local one… There might be men there who are into reading like me !


    I’m a Genius!

    Steel happy and still feel sad scared – story – seeing images movies of people feelinmy ad reading my words , feeling unseen and ungot, then attacking me debating me abd me feeling stone feeling flat feeling sad sad inside

    I Love all my feelings

    I love my stories

    And that feels like

    Forhead tingling

  14.  #14Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Daria I get you. My thinking is similar to yours, especially at times of the calls but I felt fearful of bringing that up. I was also wondering about the terms and type of the commitment but was not sure how to say that. Your comment about demanding to talk was another thing I felt uncertain about. I was thinking about CCarter talking about harsh demands, also about Rori who suggests asking whether it is a good time to talk. I really love how you elaborate about his emotional boundaries and the space that is created.

    I believe it get it intuitively but how to express 🙂

  15.  #15Daria on April 4, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Willow – have u considered that the not being so nice and considering others actions when theyre outsude your boundaries as ‘horse manure’ , can turn on you?

    That enforcing boundaries with Love is enough, and judging , intensity actually weakens them ?

    And that you are somewhere judging your own actions as ‘horse manure’ , and not being ‘so nice’ to yourself – the mirror concept, something that applies to this emotional stuff big time

  16.  #16Daria on April 4, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Omg omg !

    Talking about leaning back (me – spiritually n imaginatively )

    I just Now got a call from 19man… Haven’t talked to him in a few weeks… He’s on the East Coast

    He says ‘I just called to say one thing:::

    ‘I Love You’

    What the fu^ck !!!!!!!

    Ong I feel so awesome ! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    And that was it.

    He asked how I’m feeling.

    Said stay beautiful he can’t wait to see me.


    Sigh 🙂

    I feel happy

    I feel guilty

    I feel scared

    I story I will feel bad I ‘see’ it

    Healing healing

  17.  #17Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Just got a text from last night’s CD that he liked meeting me and hopes to go out again soon. Hmm what should I reply… Glad you liked my outfit? don’t like my joke that much or he may not even understand

  18.  #18Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 10:17 am

    He said XOXO at the end. We didnt kiss! I don’t feel like adding XO to my reply.

  19.  #19Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 10:20 am

    I have other scarves? Out of witty ideas;)

  20.  #20Linda on April 4, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Indigo HUGS to you. and Thanks

  21.  #21Linda on April 4, 2013 at 10:23 am

    FW . I responded to your questions on the last thread. Am curious

    FavoriteCD has contacted me this morning multiple times. We have plans to get together tonite now. I will have an opportunity to talk to him tonight.

    Invite and Inspire? …. still pondering and wondering about how to really do that well. YUM

  22.  #22seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 10:24 am

    From last thread, Veronica- Thank you, that felt so good to read.

    Linda- Wooo hooo you! Open open open, your beautiful

    Ashley- Just keep it simple. I love that.

    I feel silly for forgetting that everything is already alright and keep it simple. Elusive, no thats not the word. Thats more like trying to catch dandelion fluff. Nope. It’s feeling like the static gets loud and the rushing, ………..out of control. breathe wait.

    wth was that????? trigger, heal it I love me and I will do this. I dont know what that was. I love not knowing. I dont have to know. Thats my right as a human to not know. I don’t have to, I choose differently. Turn towards the water, dive ina nd swim be the rock or maybe the seaweed tree whose roots go down deep. I love being in the water, the ocean. Feels really relaxing.

    I did it!!! Calm and breathing. and SMILING!!! 🙂 I love that I did that. Good job seahorse! Thank you Sirens for showing the light. I feel very thankful. Warm and shiny. This is so cool……..giggling now

  23.  #23Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Any ideas? Anyone?

  24.  #24Willow on April 4, 2013 at 10:33 am


    I don’t agree with your “mirror concept.” If you wanted to go that route, I suppose I could say you have a problem with how I handle things because you’re jealous and wish you could do it that way. Or I could say that you’re afraid of someone getting firm with you and so it scares you to read about someone who would firmly enforce boundaries. Or some such other pop psychology I also don’t believe. Partly because you’re a stranger — I don’t always know my own innermost workings, how in the world can I possibly tell a stranger?

    Just because someone is bugging me by calling and texting at all hours (hypothetically, since my response was to the writer, Ashley) and I take a very firm stand against it and don’t like it, doesn’t mean somewhere inside I must hate myself. That’s just a very silly conclusion to me. I wouldn’t feel love towards someone like this guy, I’d feel invaded and I’d feel irritated and I wouldn’t tolerate it, period. That’s so disrespectful for a former love interest to say they don’t want to see me and then go around bugging the daylights out of me at all hours especially when I also have to work with them and deal with them daily. What gives them the right to cause me such stress because I once went out on a date (or 20!!) with them? It doesn’t. And I won’t be disrespected, stressed out or bugged by someone. If they can’t handle me telling them to STOP in a very firm way with no love, that’s not my problem. They shouldn’t have been treating me like that in the first place, and it wouldn’t be an issue. I don’t owe this guy anything, and neither does Ashley. He just needs to knock it off, end of story.

    I don’t feel judgmental much, but the whole idea of doing away with judgment altogether… really? I was given a brain with analytical processes for a reason. And because of my upbringing, my ability to make accurate judgment calls is pretty sharp.

    I don’t find that very firm boundaries weakens anything. I don’t know “intensity” you’re referring to. Especially since you haven’t exactly seen my boundary enforcement in action in life or anything. It’s pretty rare anyone tries to use me as their doormat, or anything else, and if they do try it it’s their last try.

    I think I’m done posting here. I don’t think I belong with this group. I’m not here because I want to change who I am, and this is the second time I’ve got the feeling (from total strangers) that who I am is somehow lacking or “unevolved” because I don’t do things a certain way. So, I wish you all well.

  25.  #25Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Ok, I can say ‘it sounds good and it felt nice to meet you too;)’ no jokes

  26.  #26Indigo on April 4, 2013 at 11:28 am

    THANK YOU Linda, that felt good.

  27.  #27Indigo on April 4, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Daria 10

    May I just say I am absolutely floored by the insight you displayed in this post. I have rarely heard the subtleties of masculine and feminine energies described so well.

  28.  #28Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 11:31 am


    I encourage you to buy the ebook “Queens Code” and read it before tonight – you should be able to do it.

    It talks about putting down your sword, and how to accomplish getting through challening situations in relationships in a healthy way so that its not coming from a place where you are blaming him for misbehaving and essentially not acting like a girl.

    its a fantastic read, and I highly recommend it… 🙂

  29.  #29Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Daria, I don’t know, I used to ‘appreciate’ late night texts when I was waiting for hours for answers to my questions that required a quick answer only to find out he had a date that night and answered me after the date.

  30.  #30BeLoved on April 4, 2013 at 11:55 am

    something bubbling up here…
    I felt triggered last week by C and noticed thoughts about not wanting to feel like a vending machine that he was trying to get something out of
    and noticed how again and again I thought,
    about HIM of course 😉

    The way you treat me is the way you treat G0d.
    Today it suddenly clicked…
    how do *I* treat people like vending machines?
    how do *I* treat G0d like a vending machine?
    Oh, let me count the ways….

    For so long I have been wanting to get something from other people.
    I felt tons of resentment against my sisters because they are so much better off financially and never offer to help me out.
    I want men to give me STUFF! and affection! and attention!
    I want G0d to pay my bills and give me stuff and make things happen that I can’t control.
    “please g0d just let me have this man” is an unconscious prayer that released from my heart with heaving sobs a few months ago during a massage.

    I wonder how I can relate differently?

  31.  #31Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Even if I don’t like an exchange between my partner and I, if he asks me for something or asks to talk, I wouldn’t wait till midnight because of some wrong ‘energy’, I just reply and don’t make them wait and wonder.

  32.  #32Rebecca on April 4, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Just checking in and saying ‘hi!’

    Am feeling a little low..

    I will hug and be there for myself through this…

    Hugs to all of you (((((sirens)))))

  33.  #33nme008 on April 4, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Missing M…..saw him last night.

  34.  #34nme008 on April 4, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Missing M…..saw him last night. Hugged….those eyes 🙁 told me I smelled good. I KNOW I will be fine, help I am fine. I’m just really sad.

  35.  #35nme008 on April 4, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Hell* not help.

  36.  #36IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Feel like I’m going to get virtually slapped…


    saw SMC out of the corner of my eye at the funeral.
    I’m not even sure why he went. I didn’t think he was that close to my friend. but I guess he wanted to pay his respects or whatever.

    it was a huge funeral, as my friend was young and the death was unexpected.

    I’ve never felt so sad in my whole life at that funeral.

    Sad isn’t even the right word.

    While I was sobbing it felt like my heart was ripped open and exposed.

    when I got the tears out, it still felt like there was literally an iron contraption of some sorts clamped around my heart.

    Been thinking a lot about life and death and people I care about and all that stuff…

    anyway, I spoke to SMC and his fiance the following day.

    I looked him in the eye and said “Hello, SMC”
    I looked her in the eye and said, “Hello, Fiance” (used her name.)

    It was the first time that I was in close proximity with her at all, ever.

    I’ve run into him on several occasions, and before I cut off the friendship with him, I would see him and greet him normally and then I would always attempt to make eye contact and be warm towards her when she was with him.

    she would never look at me, return eye contact, smile, anything like that.

    but she looked at me and smiled this time…

    she has a lovely smile…

    anyway, so that happened and I didn’t think much of it.

    I was just trying to be a bigger person or something?

    I don’t know.

    anyway, I see him again, and he’s without her.

    and I’m trying not to look his way, trying to just feel my feelings, touch objects, be, etc…

    I was feeling sad yet again.

    sadness has been coming and going and waves ever since the passing of my friend.

    I’ve never gone through anything like this…

    anyway, he had crossed my mind pretty intensely the afternoon before I saw him that night.

    I even told myself, “Stop! He is taken and these thoughts you are having mean nothing.”

    but then, in class the teacher was talking about all this stuff that made me think of him, feel sad, feel regret, wonder yet again if I did the right thing.

    started feeling so sad and regretful that tears came up…

    class dismissed, and I’m filing out and BAM!

    He is right in front of me, facing forward, so I’m looking at his profile.

    I still have tears on my cheeks…

    I felt so sad and tired. I felt my mouth open slowly and words (I don’t know what words) almost came out, but I stopped myself because I realized I didn’t have any words.

    He was pausing when I did this, but when no words came, he kept moving.

    It felt bad. 🙁

    Maybe he thought I’d make an attempt at a real conversation since I said hello to him and his fiance, but it still just feels…intense.

    I feel more than friendship for him, even more so when I’m feeling sad and vulnerable and he’s right there in front of me…

    Realize this may just be my imagination still not ready to give up an imaginary relationship…

    realize my brain craves the chemicals that come from rejection…

    But it just felt so weird, sad, and movie-like.

    it doesn’t mean anything, right?

    It doesn’t mean anything.

    I just need to keep telling myself that…

    Guys just naturally gravitate toward and want to protect sad girls, even if it’s just on a friendship level, right?

    I still don’t think I can handle being friends.

    It doesn’t feel right not being friends.
    It doesn’t feel right BEING friends, either.

    Just needed to write that out.

    Proceed to judge, if you must.
    or offer insight, and I’d love you.
    or ignore this, and I’ll just feel relief at having typed it, or frustration because I still feel so clueless and stupid and immature…

    I feel sad. 🙁

  37.  #37Dominique on April 4, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Iamhis – I think this is brilliant, lovely processing, beautiful revelations, REAL emotion.


  38.  #38Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    (((IamHis))) Such emotion. You must be exhausted. Take care of YOURSELF right now.

  39.  #39Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Omg the cd replied that I reminded him yesterday of botticellis Venus! He is spot on, Ive been compared to her many times before;) The thing is that people who told me this in the past were my very close friends or boyfriends.

  40.  #40Heart on April 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    I had an Awesome day yesterday…went sight-seeing with friends…meet new people & flirted & had a really good time.
    I had moments though…but I went to the restroom & dropped to the floor (well crouched down – I can’t drop to a restroom floor- that’s unsanitary..hehe).

    Anyway…I feel bored…I’m thinking of fun stuff I want to do…I’m going on a little mini-trip next week…Yay.
    I don’t feel like texting GymCd…I only have time for men who are straight up asking me out…anything else is boring & a waste of my energy.

  41.  #41Heart on April 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    I had an Awesome day yesterday…went sight-seeing with friends…meet new people & flirted & had a really good time.
    I had moments though…but I went to the restroom & dropped to the floor (well crouched down – I can’t drop to a restroom floor- that’s unsanitary..hehe).

    Anyway…I feel bored…I’m thinking of fun stuff I want to do…I’m going on a little mini-trip next week…Yay.
    I don’t feel like texting GymCd…I only have time for men who are straight up asking me out…anything else is boring & a waste of my energy.

  42.  #42Heart on April 4, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    (((Iamhis))) – you’re processing is beautiful & poetic…

    I’m sorry your still finding yourself immersed in these imaginary relationships…If it was me, I would just accept that this is where I’m at emotionally & psychologically and babystep my way towards something more fulfilling.

    I would encourage you to try to date…or get a cyber friend ofsomething…or just flirt with some random guy.

  43.  #43Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Iamhis I don’t think guys want to naturally protect sad girls. (((Iamhis)))

  44.  #44Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Linda that kind of situation is challenging but gives opportunity to consider whether the person is foe or friend. Whether to use words such as “because this relationship is important to me”, “I want to be emotionally naked” to create “a powerful bond” where we can be totally open and share our hearts. “I respect your choices and appreciate that you know what is best for your life”, these are the dreams I have for my relationship. Talk with him instead of to or at him with the intention to melt his heart like “melting icicles in the sun”

  45.  #45Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Tell him happy you feel when you see his name show up on your phone and how you want to experience what it feels like to get a call iin the middle of the day just to let you know he is thinking of you. How you love to feel the rush of energy in your face and the sparkling tingles in your stomach when you hear his sweet sexy man voice.

  46.  #46Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Re 43 Memulo I dunno about that. I would rather experiment with sharing how I feel rather than thinking about it. I would look for a way to share my sadness and let him know that he was not responsible for it. Just that I need a listening ear and maybe some strong shoulders to melt on.

  47.  #47Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Yeah FW maybe I always ended up with those who did not want to know;)

    I’m unsure if I did the right thing by not replying to new CD’s text. He said again that he noticed right away that I looked like girl from the painting, but was too shy to say anything. And maybe if next time we order champaign we can come back to this subject;)

    I did not reply. Should I have??

  48.  #48Heart on April 4, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Linda – I just read your past post….and I’m tiptoe-into into the conversation because I see a little bit of myself in your response…If it was me, I would explore the emotions underneath this desire to have him answer the phone/text you before a certain time. How do you feel when he doesn’t answer right away?
    Is this truly a dealbreaker for you?

  49.  #49Heart on April 4, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Memulo – why didnt u respond to his text?

    If it was me, I would find a quiet place…and internally explore my dependency on advice. Sometimes coming to the blog for input at every step of your dating life can be very damaging..For me…maybe not for others.

  50.  #50Heart on April 4, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Memulo – why didn’t you respond?

    If it was me, I would stop myself…find a quiet place and explore what was causing me to second guess myself and ask for advice at every point of my dating life. I did that once and it was damaging because it put me in a state of over-analysis …rather than Have Fun.

  51.  #51Heart on April 4, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    sorry I thought it didnt post so I rewrote…

  52.  #52Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Heart, thank you, you’re right. I feel scared sometimes that I keep too much inside without noticing it. At the moment I thought it was the end if the conversation, but an hour later felt that maybe I am being too silent and not communicative enough.

  53.  #53Heart on April 4, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Memulo – how did u feel about believing that u were too silent? I’m curious..

  54.  #54Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Update…..So my guy came over last night. He asked to come over – I didnt text or call or lean forward. I never really do. And I took into consideration a lot of things that have been said on the board. That said – we had a fantastic time. We had so much FUN. Just FUN being together. We watched a movie, and then just laughed and laughed. We were so close last night and it just felt right. We talked about how in the future we want to go see and do more stuff together. LOL – I’m trying to get him to go to the opera and ballet with me and he said he would – so fun. And we talked about going clubbing and dancing and even seeing some plays, etc. It was an awesome night.

    Then at one point, he just looks at me and says “How did I get so lucky to get you?” Ok. I MELTED. This is not a guy who speaks flowery words. And he said he loved me over and over and over…..way more than me last night.

    It was a good good night.

    This leads into @Linda’s situation. Now, I know that I need a bit more texting and communication. I did not mention any of that last night – it simply wasnt the time or place…..but at some point, I will mention what I need … sometime when its appropriate because its what I would like. But at this point, if he says some version of “no” to that, then I’m still willing to be in this relaitonship because I get so much from him. He fixed some stuff around my house last night and just on and on…..so I will talk to him, but in a non-emotional way in the future.

    @LInda – You need more communication and at a certain time. I would say that you should approach this like the others have said – you need to approach it like “Hey I need your help with something. I am sure you have a good reason for what you do – so if you can help me understand I would like that. I call you and text you and you dont ever seem to answer or text back quickly, and that feels icky to me because it feels like you are ignoring me on purpose. I dont like feeling that, and am wondering if you can help me with this?” And then just stop talking. Let the boy be the boy and find the solutions to problems.

    If he doesnt care about finding a solution, well, then thats another story.

  55.  #55Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    @Memulo – if you want to go out with him again, then text and say so – say “the next time we have champagne I would love to talk about how I look like a beautiful woman from one of the most famous paintings in the world…LOL.”

    If you dont want to go out with him again, then say that to him.

  56.  #56Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    @FW – 44-46….AWESOME advice. I’m taking the advice too even though it wasnt meant for me haha!

  57.  #57Tereana on April 4, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I am shaking – shaking!!

    I just broke up with a guy before we even went on a date. Lol

    Except it doesn’t feel funny to me (right now). This guy and I communicated MONTHS ago on a dating site. He was moving to my city, and I have him my number. He texted me this past Sunday to see if we could hang out, and we talked about meeting on Saturday. So, being that it’s Thursday, I checked in with him to see what he wanted to do.

    He called me back (that was a plus). But the rest of it was not good. He said that he hadn’t confirmed with me, because he’d been thinking of going to NYC for the weekend. WTF? And he was just going to go, and not tell me about it? (I didn’t say anything, I was just like whatever, okay, you’re here, so now what?) He asked me what my day was like, and said that he had one thing to do in the afternoon. So we agreed on a time that he could do after his class, and he’s new to the area, so I was going to pick a café that I’ve never been to that I wanted to check out.

    I got off the phone, found a cafe I wanted to go to and texted him what it was.

    20 minutes later, I get a text, saying can I meet an hour later, because he has a hair cut.

    You couldn’t have mentioned that before? ;-p

    (I was playful. But I had a weird feeling about it. It’s true that my schedule was flexible, but I didn’t like being pushed back an hour without asking first.)

    He said he just made the appointment.

    Then I was like what???

    I got pushed out for a HAIRCUT??!

    Yup. Apparently. Apparently the dude got on the phone with his hair stylist and was like, “Hey I’ve got this date on Saturday. But I could have a hair cut at that time. Who cares about her schedule. I’m sure she can just be ‘flexible’ with whatever I want to do. I’ll book the appointment and she can shift her whole calendar around MEEEE! Whee, this is awesome!!!”

    And I was like, NO – sorry, dude. Date is OFF.

    Good luck with that. Enjoy your haircut.

    Of course, then he was a real bastard. I told him to enjoy his haircut, and then he responded “Thanks!” As if I really meant it. What a clueless …I don’t know, “Ape” is the only word that comes to mind.

    I probably did him too much of a favor when I told him not to do this with the next person.

    And part of me is envisioning this really cool, flowy person, who could be like, “Okay, yeah, we’ll meet at three-thirty,” and show up all confident and not-caring, and having boundaries, even though my schedule was changed at the last minute, but…that just doesn’t feel like me right now. Me right now is shaken and feeling like, “Wow, I really want to feel at least slightly more important than a haircut” thank you very much.

    And dangit, I am WAY more important than a haircut. I am A GIRL.

    But you know what, this guy was giving me somewhat possibly-gay vibes on the phone. Maybe it was the yoga class. Maybe it was something else. But the haircut? Prioritizing his vanity/looks/grooming over keeping a date with a female whom he supposedly wants to date?

    I can understand wanting to look good for a date. Not asking/not respecting someone else’s schedule in order to do that is not acceptable.

    And given how bad I felt about it, I just decided to trust my gut and not go through with it. Sure, I could have met him at 3:30 instead of 2:30. But on principle, I couldn’t do it. Only because I would have resented him the whole time, and there is no way I could ever have built a relationship with him, having the trust knocked out of the equation like that.

    DancingCD isn’t exactly asking to be my boyfriend, but he’s not asking not to be either. And at the very least he respects my time. And that is something I can appreciate and feel grateful for…

  58.  #58seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Daria……….. I love reading you. I admire how you riff your stuff. I think its beautiful. It’s open and flowing.

  59.  #59Heart on April 4, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Elsie – Sounds beautiful…glad you had fun. Awwwr….can’t yoy just cut him some slack and let the text -call thing go? Long long time ago before cellphones & internet Women didny have these expectations…

  60.  #60Heart on April 4, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    also..If it was me, I wouldn’t want the man I’m with calling or exting me out of obligation…Feels like homework.
    It’s the time we spend together that counts…

  61.  #61Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    @Tereana….ok maybe I”m off the mark here. I”m glad that you did what you felt was right….but it didnt sound like you guys had talked in months, and for that reason alone it didnt sound like this was an actual “date.” Also, the fact that he basically cancelled on you this weekend and wasnt even going to let you know was another clue, perhaps.

    Anyway – I dont think you should be so mad at him. He was just doing what he was doing. It didnt work for you – so just let it go….

    @Heart – You are probably right LOL

  62.  #62Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    I would hope that a relationship is more than a phone call and that a relationship would not be put on trial because of it. In the bigger scheme of things, really, what is a phone call?

  63.  #63Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Quiet night at home by myself. Praying a lot. I feel so lost. What am I doing with my life? What have I been doing? Why did I make the choices that I’ve made? Why did I make the decisions that I make? Why haven’t I made more decisions? Why have I been so passive?

    Who really loves me? (not just men, anybody)
    why haven’t I been a better friend?
    How do I know who to trust? (been hurt deeply especially by girlfriends)
    What can I DO with my life?
    What do I want to DO with my life?

    Where can I find more passion, meaning, and purpose.

    so much quiet sitting and reflecting…

    decided to put on Modern Siren. Heard this line and it really struck a chord:

    “If you’re so certain that you’re going to get hurt, there’s nothing you’re going to do but pull in a man who’s going to hurt you.”

    Miss my group of friends. Wasn’t really proactive with it, it just kind of magically happened. Now we’ve split. Obtained significant others. (not me, obviously.)

    I feel really disconnected.

    Want to stir up some good energy, good people.

    Feel like I need this time for reflection…

    feeling a little numb…

    feeling guilty for not cherishing good potential friends…
    for not choosing good friends…
    feeling guilty for not cherishing good potential men…
    for not choosing good potential men…

    feel like a bad person right now…
    know that’s not true, but…

    why am I sitting here, feeling lonely and lost and scared of the future?

    Now is my gift, and I want to use it to prepare for the future. a better future. the most fulfilling and beautiful future that can be…

  64.  #64Femininewoman on April 4, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Memulo I believe it is okay to let the man have the last word. If though you felt a need to respond the a smiley face or thank would be appropriate, is what I think

  65.  #65Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    I feel sad that I seem most myself in writing. That so many people don’t get to see the “me” I find in here…

    Feel like I’m surrounded by a wall of anger and fear in real life, and it feels lousy…

  66.  #66seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    I have a question. Reason for question:

    I have been feeling more confident recently. Today is sunny and warm and I wore a fitting black v neck t-shirt. I have huge bOObs(38 DDD). I’m 5′ 8′ , chubby but still with a waist and a booty. (I feel naked even writing this) I felt really smiley and seizing the day when I could feel the looks. I told myself ‘don’t look’ you know what you’ll see. Staring at my bOObs. Yep, I turned and two guys staring at the girls. Didn’t even meet my eyes or anything else. These are grown men,staring. I have had this happen frequently and I never know what to do or say. I feel dirty sometimes. I don’t like that at all. I want to wear whatever and not have anybody say anything to me or glazed looks. I don’t have control over that, i know that. Sometimes I have wanted to poke a few eye balls out. Hahahahahaha!!!!
    I can laugh but sometimes it fires me up.
    So, question. Does any other Siren deal with this? What is the magic internal phrase?

    p.s. I really do love my ta tas. Much pleasure from them. I was going to get them altered, but then the doctor said I would lose sensitivity. I said nevermind.

  67.  #67seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    Sometimes men apologize. Sometimes their wives apologize. Which was very nice of them to do so. Besides covering up, what to do?

  68.  #68seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    Big hugs Iamabutterfly
    I love your name btw. I know what you mean. I have been saying open open open. safe safe safe. Among other things.

  69.  #69Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks, Seahorse!

    So, I’m listening to track 4 on disc 6 of modern siren, and I am Kathy, on the working with kathy track.

    “Have you ever seen anybody looking at you? yes. Have they tried talking to you? Yes. & then what do you do? Blow them off.”

    Rori asks Kathy if she does this with the cute guys and kathy says “no,” but I totally do. I feel even more afraid with cute guys.

    also found it interesting that we put the focus on them when we’re feeling uncomfortable with ourselves.

    it’s okay to sit back, stay quiet, and let them ask about you. respond in feeling messages…

    I did some things right and some things wrong the other night with Jack CD.

    I did a lot wrong.

    But I felt justified in it.

    and apathedic about any kind of “result.”

    I kept looking at him accusingly and thinking, “are you seriously for real? you just lied to me about the stupidest thing.”

    I didn’t say that, but I was thinking it…

    I know you’re not supposed to “make a man” wrong, but dang it, sometimes they just ARE.

    I am too, sometimes.

    *pouty sigh*

  70.  #70Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    @seahorse. OK – I have to tell you that I pretty thin and athletic build, but have a very good size chest.

    When I wear something tight…..I expect that men will look at it. Its what they were programmed to do by nature. Now, I’m not saying you deserve to be attacked or hurt in any way – lets not go crazy here – but to wear something tight and low cut, well….frankly, men are going to look. They just are. If you want to be mad at them, I guess go ahead, but its not going to change anything, and frankly everyone will just say what I”m going to say – which is that you can avoid the whole thing by wearing a t-shirt that isnt so low or tight. No one is saying you need to wear a turtleneck five sizes too big…..just wear something normal.

    I’m sorry, but this has been my world since I was 16. I deal with it ALL the time.

    No biggie. Men like to look at women. Men like to look at womens chest and bottoms.

    There is nothing sinister or evil about it.

    The end. Thats my take on it.

    You wont ever change that – its the world. So either wear it and be mad, or wear it and dont care, or dont wear it. Those are your only options.

  71.  #71Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    @seahorse. OK – I have to tell you that I pretty thin and athletic build, but have a very good size chest.

    When I wear something tight…..I expect that men will look at it. Its what they were programmed to do by nature. Now, I’m not saying you deserve to be attacked or hurt in any way – lets not go crazy here – but to wear something tight and low cut, well….frankly, men are going to look. They just are. If you want to be mad at them, I guess go ahead, but its not going to change anything, and frankly everyone will just say what I”m going to say – which is that you can avoid the whole thing by wearing a t-shirt that isnt so low or tight. No one is saying you need to wear a turtleneck five sizes too big…..just wear something normal.

    I’m sorry, but this has been my world since I was 16. I deal with it ALL the time.

    No biggie. Men like to look at women. Men like to look at womens chest and bottoms.

    There is nothing sinister or horrible about it.

    The end. Thats my take on it.

    You wont ever change that – its the world. So either wear it and be mad, or wear it and dont care, or dont wear it. Those are your only options.

  72.  #72Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Rori just said “women are all about the future, but men are just about feeling good in the moment.”

    wonder what would have happened if I had just talked to smc, and enjoyed the moment.

    still doesn’t feel right.
    still know how my emotions work.
    still know it would have probably led to resentment on my part.


    I’m glad we didn’t talk.
    I did the right thing.

  73.  #73Heart on April 4, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Seahorse – are you secretly proud of your breasts and underneath it all happy about the male attention. I would explore that next time it happens.

  74.  #74Heart on April 4, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Llama – let SeenMeCry go….
    He’s not pursuing you…there is nothing to do/figure out…
    You job is to receive from a man that’s giving to you…

  75.  #75Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Wow – I just read this article about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. She is a true siren.

    She said: I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be and that’s not for me to do for him,’ she continued, adding that the agreement goes both ways.

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2304171/Jada-Pinkett-Smith-responds-rumours-open-marriage.html#ixzz2PXwJ5c72
    Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

  76.  #76Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    so many guys, before we’ve even been on a stinking date! start talking marriage, which is my “NOOOOOOO, why right now?!!!” button.

    Just realized that I can use feeling messages and say something like; “it feels really inappropriate and fast to be talking about marriage with someone I haven’t even dated. It would feel great to talk about lighter, fun things…”

  77.  #77Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    @Iamabutterfly – Heart is right. There is nothing for you to do. He is not doing anything to be with you. Go through this pain…..sink into it…..the faster and longer you do it – the sooner you will be able to move on. Please dont let this fester for so long.

    He has made his decision. Try to decide if there is anything you can learn from all of this and then use it as wisdom as you move forward.

    There will be someone out there who does not make you cry.

    I love the line in Oceans 12….

    Does he make you laugh?
    Well…..he doesnt make me cry.

    Find someone who doesnt make you cry.

  78.  #78Iamabutterfly on April 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I know, Heart. It’s an addiction.

    Every time he comes back into proximity with me, it’s like a fix, and I spiral downward…

  79.  #79Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 6:07 pm


    Sorry, still thinking about this. Its a double standard really. If Ryan Reynolds or whoever walked by without a shirt on – you can BET we would all be looking….

    well…..you can BET *I* WOULD BE LOOKING. 🙂


  80.  #80IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Just noticed I’m a butterfly again.

    I am His.

    I want to be His.

  81.  #81Elsie on April 4, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    @IamHis – Yes, it is an addiciton. Oxytocin levels bonded you to him.

    Its like any addiction – you cant go back to it or you get hooked again. You need to QUIT, and do something else – replace it with something positive because nature abhors a vaccum so find something else to fill this addiction with.

  82.  #82IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    feeling extremely paranoid and guilty…

  83.  #83Heart on April 4, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Llama – I’m concerned…are you meeting new men…do u have hobbies? Is there anything you can do to babystep yourself out of this funk?
    I for one, think that if you did New stuff…you’d start shifting.

    SMC is engaged…he loves this woman enough to promise her marriage.

  84.  #84IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Heart, it feels good and kinda weird that you remember SMC’s full nickname when I’ve been abbreviating it for so long…

    I appreciate it…

  85.  #85IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    feel like I’m getting found out. here, real life, absolutely everywhere I go. and I’m not sure I like it.

    at least it’s safe in a cage.

    people can just look in and wonder about you.

    but once you step out, or they pull you out, they see your temper, get scratched by you, see you whimper over the slightest mistreatment, and then realize they just want to put you back in there and move on to the next animal, who’s cuter, calmer, friendlier.

    that felt awful to say, but I think I need to process it and change my way of thinking…

  86.  #86Heart on April 4, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    I know all their names Llama….


    and I’m concerned…

  87.  #87IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Heart, yeah, I need to.

    I think I’ve gotten depressed again, and feel in denial about it.

    struggled my whole life with it, which I absolutely hate…

    never wanted to be with a depressed person, because that’s too much like me, and how can two depressed people ever hope to help each other?

    it’s just…people.

    you have to interact with people.

    and doing that makes me want to just turn into a hermit sometimes…

  88.  #88IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    what are you concerned about, Heart?
    that I’m not dating?
    or my obsessiveness over imaginary stuff?

    i feel so disgusted right now.

    that i’m sitting here typing this…

    I’m going to leave and do something “real life.”

  89.  #89IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    @82 Heart – Marriage honestly doesn’t mean that much to me. I see it as yet another cage that once people are in, they want to get out of.

    and yet I think I want it?

    I don’t even think I would want it, if everyone else around me weren’t doing it…

    I wish I had more people like me in my life.

    well, people like the “real me” and not this shell I’ve become…

  90.  #90Heart on April 4, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    I know the feeling…when you feel bad you just want to be alone…but push yourself. Break up the routine.
    Is there a class you can take? Check the times u tend to ruminate & do something else instead. Change the location if you can’t go somewhere…just move to a different part of your house as a first step. Go somewhere new & make a collage or write down your fav. quotes in a book…Anything.

  91.  #91IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    I usually don’t spend my nights like this.
    this is the first night I’ve had in a while where I haven’t had 20,000 errands to run or slept too much.

    think I needed the reflection.
    need to pray more.

    I guess the other times I ruminate are when I’m not particularly stimulated at work…

    those are the worst, and happen quite frequently…

    working on a job change…had another setback. that’s okay, still pushing…

    totally have a quote book and it’s my baby.

    going to get off, I need to…

    Thanks, (((((((((Heart))))))))), you’re a sweetie!

  92.  #92Radlove on April 4, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    I was dating the manager where I worked about 9 years ago. When the relationship went sour, he totally snubbed me, pretty much showing me the door. He ignored me, hinted about finding another job, and just made me feel totally unwelcome.

    I desperately needed the job, but I quit it with no notice. I just felt totally uncomfortabe.

  93.  #93IamHis on April 4, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Most guys who are legitimately interested in me and are single make me feel like I want to puke.

    Celibacy sounds pretty good around them!


    but not sorry…

    I love my sense of humor!!!

  94.  #94Tereana on April 4, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Head fashion designer. France. My styling business. This is all coming up for me in a big way right now.

    I said I would be in the Bay Area for three to ten years. it’s been five. (almost exactly). I’ve always said that when I knew where I wanted to go next, I would know. Well, now I know: it’s France. I love so many things about the Bay Area. But there is a lot that isn’t working for me, because this isn’t where I NEED to be.

    I heard a message this morning that I really needed to hear: do what you love and the money will follow. Well, I like massage. But I don’t LOVE it with my whole passionate being. I’d also add: be where you feel happiest. I feel okay being in San Francisco. I like it a lot. But I know that it’s not the place that I want to end up forever.

    And since I now know that I LOVE France and I NEED to be in France, that’s where I need to put my energy. I may want things to be different in San Francisco, but they aren’t.

    At this moment, I do not know HOW I am going to get to France, or what exactly I will do there. But I am putting the energy out there right now that I can trust that I know that that’s right for me. And if I can take the first steps to get there, that I can begin to make it work, because my heart, mind and body will all be in the right place.

    It’s what I truly want – to be in France and work in the fashion industry. I know that it’s possible, even though I don’t know how yet.

    Between me and the Universe – I know that we can do this!!

  95.  #95Tereana on April 4, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Elsie – yes, you are really right. I’ve wondered if I was “overreacting.” from his perspective, maybe I was. But also, I am entitled to my feelings. If his behavior made me feel really bad (and it did), then all I was doing was just tuning into that, and it made me realize that this guy was not going to work out for me. He didn’t have the right attitude, or the right level of respect for the agreement that we made, according to my tastes. He never even apologized for “bumping me out” of his schedule, which he did not even five minutes after we spoke and agreed upon a time. It felt just rude to me and disrespectful and selfish. And these were indications of exactly how he would be in a relationship.ayne I’m making a “big deal” of it. But to me, it is a microcosm of how I would feel overall, if I were to spend time with him. Like I was second to whatever else was on his plate or on his mind, and he’d just expect me to go along with all of his last- minute decisions and be okay with it. I don’t think so.

    The feelings are strong for me, only because I’m sensitive. And also because I am very new at standing up for myself and stating my boundaries and what I am and am not okay with. It’s a big deal for me because, right or wrong on his part, it’s really not okay with me, and I don’t accept it. I’m really proud of myself for breaking it off!!

  96.  #96Tereana on April 4, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Oh, and by the way, yes, we communicated months ago online. It was slow on both ends. I’d literally forgotten him and never thought I’d hear from him. When he texted me on Sunday, we agreed to meet on Saturday, and check in later to figure out the details. It was a date. He was just treating it as if it was movable and fluid, based on his schedule. Thats not how I treat dates. And if it wasn’t a date, then to be quite honest, I wasn’t interested…

  97.  #97Tereana on April 4, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Perhaps a better, more efficient response could have been to simply stop communicating with him. But I opted for authentic, feeling-based communication instead. And actually, once I put my thoughts together and write them out that way, I feel much better – they’re not so “in my body” anymore. It’s irrelevant whether he ever responds or understands.

  98.  #98Heart on April 4, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Tereana – it’s called Venting Your Frustration on to someone else….not authentic feeling based communication.
    I believe you were acting out of anger and rejection.
    We’re all human and well it happens sometimes.
    I’m sorry your shaky…I feel like this incident has triggered you badly and thats a good thing if you can learn something aabout yourself from the triggering…

    Btw your story was funny…0

  99.  #99Heart on April 4, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Sorry I pressed the comment button by accident…

    Tereana – Anyway I enjoy reading your stories…If it was me, I wouldn’t have called him to check in…feels too boy energy…
    everything seemed to spiral downward from there..Seems like there was no set time & plan by him…so it didn’t seem like an official date…at least not to me…

    Let the next guy do All the planning…good luck.

  100.  #100k2012 on April 4, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    “When a man starts to appear more interested in his friends than in you, a few things might be happening:” Feminine Woman, this question is for u. On the last thread, u wrote this from Christian Carter. I am just about reading it on the last thread now inbetween my work. Is it a recent newsletter? from him? I think I started reading something like that in my inbox recently, but I am not sure. Have a lot of catching up to do on the last thread and the minute I heard the e-mails stop coming in on my phone, I knew that a new thread had started. When my phone gives the tone when emails are coming in and this happens every few mins I know it is from the blog. Havent heard anything so i said to myself that a new thread must have started. Havent read the thread above yet either. good evening ladies. how are you today? Hope you are all good.

  101.  #101seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    Iamhis- I am laughing at what I just did. I’ll tell you in a sec. I was thinking about how you were saying that you want people to see the real you. Your comment on writing here combined with a tweak on scripting might work. Imagine you writing a script for a movie. You are the star. As your writing, you could make up all sorts of scenarios where you only answer in feeling speak! Then memorize it like you were really going to have to perform it!! Think Academy Award performance!!!! And as a great side benefit, your journaling! Ta da! You could write your way out of addiction with Jackcd………….. the possibilities are endless. And HAPPY endings for every different scenarios. Big bOOby squishing hug!!

  102.  #102seahorse on April 4, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Elsie and Heart- Yep! I felt weirdly let down by myself, so I went for a drive to the beach. Know what I did????? I was sitting there and petting my dog and was glancing at my chest, feeling silly because I was having an imaginary convo with them. Ahhh yep, I was. I notice my dog getting wiggly and tail wagging,and then I looked up at a wet man standing in front of me. Top half of the wet suit off. I oogled him. I did. He was lovely. He liked my dog.Gave her a rub,then he hiked his board up said have a good night and left. I was smiling away. Then it hit me, I am sooooo guilty of the same thing.

    And this is my thing. Getting over the shame or something like that with sex. Being dirty for liking it. I feel really shaky and sad .Scared. I love them. Breathing open open open open breathe. Thank you

  103.  #103k2012 on April 4, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I am on officially on holiday from work. yeah right, and while I am thankful for the break, I had to remark to two close friends and a co-worker that “this is not a holiday, this is working from home.” they nearly cracked up. Both close friends are in the same profession like me and my coworker. In fact one of the two close friends work in the same organization as myself and the other lives beside me and is a close friend from I was eight and she was nine. Both our families have been extremely close- both sets of parents and both sets of siblings. She has been my friend for about 39 years. yeah, u found out my age. thats okay. lol. Friendship is a remarkable thing eh, ladies, I am telling you. But back to the point i was going to make. I am here on the desktop typing this while taking a short break from work. My work never ends, lol. Cant state my profession on here. My friend next door teased me and said tht if I dont remember that this break, there is always work to do as she went to work although her organization is officially closed. I suppose the real holiday is summer, i guess. then I have lots of personal business to do. I might go to a cafe tomorrow afternoon if possible after I have completed stuff on the road and see if I can find anyone to circular date. Why am I not meeting anyone? I just checked a short while ago and its 9 months since my breakup so its time now. And u all know that Overseas cd didnt work out. lol. I have forgotten about him. lol. You all need to pray for me okay. I need to go on a date. lol. I will be back and forth tonight until its time to go to bed. I have a list of places I can go to suggested by a fellow poster a few days ago. Sometimes u meet guys some simple places like the supermarkets. I will start looking out for conferences cause my work load will decrease in a few weeks from now.

  104.  #104k2012 on April 4, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    447: Femininewoman from the last thread:

    “Yet some men when they are at a loss for words or want to get out of a relationship they turn character assassination. ” FW, do u mean character assassination of themselves or of the woman? If it is character assassination of themselves they might say something like, “You deserve better.” “Its not u, its me.” “I dont want to hurt you.” “I am not good enough for you.” Dominique, Mercedes, FW and other ladies am I right?

  105.  #105ALA on April 4, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I feel like writing, processing…

    The “experiment” was quite eye-opening for me to see him and me as an observer. I first felt a little happy that he didn’t re-block me. I had forgotten that I had all my settings on the highest security level and he can’t see what I posted the past week or so. He posted some lame inside joke between us (funny to him NOT me… huge triggers) about a sexy pair of underwear I have. And he has teased me mercilessly about this for years. It’s really not funny at all anymore, its pretty sick and cruel. Stuff like how fat my ass is, I look like a Walmart shopper, slut, stupid, etc. I have never worn them again after the first time he insulted me. I feel stupid that I felt a little happy to ‘see’ him at first, wished everything could be different with us. But I am feeling much better that we are done. Most importantly, I’m done blaming myself. This was just a little blip in the grand scheme of things. I really DID know better when I first got into this. Just got swept up in the intoxicating feelings and didn’t know how to keep my boundaries from eroding. And I forgive myself totally. I’ve learned some new things about life, people and myself. (((Love to Me)))

    Not sure how I feel about seeing PhDcd tomorrow. We haven’t talked since earlier this week. He said he doesn’t want to use up all my phone mins. I told him that it felt nice he was considerate of my mins. But… I want attention, dammit!

    Checked out meetup.com and there are so many different groups with many, many activities. I’ve joined a few, see how that goes. Feels more of a wholesome, organic way to meet people. I get a “meat market” vibe from some dating sites. Could just be my area, I know other sirens have had success on them.

    I feel my emptiness filling up a little… feels good. 🙂

  106.  #106ALA on April 4, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Seahorse – Loved reading about your evening on the beach! Isn’t it cool when we learn how to put these thoughts and feelings in somewhat order in our heads. And oogling bodies ain’t too shabby either! 😀

  107.  #107Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    Sirens, I just had an amazing night at the opera with my 2 girlfriends! It was hilarious and sobmuch fun!

    Heart, to answer your question about how I felt to be too silent – I feel sad and a bit scared because I believe this is one of the reasons I lost dumbcd.

    FW, yes, I often let them have the last word. He texted me again while I was at the opera and I responded, and he wrote back and I let him have the last word again;)

  108.  #108ALA on April 4, 2013 at 10:07 pm


  109.  #109Rori Raye on April 4, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Elsie – I keep thinking of Erin Brockovich. She not only enjoyed showing off her chest – she USED it in every single way to CONNECT with people. She discovered that BOTH men and women liked it when she just “hung out” and they could see her cleavage and even her bras. Love, Rori

  110.  #110Memulo on April 4, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Thank you Elsie, it’s a great idea;)

  111.  #111Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 12:24 am

    @Rori – haha – well, I’m not sure I could go that far LOL – but it seriously doesnt bother me. I just figured long ago that that is who I am, and I’m thin now (used to be really really huge several years ago) so, my chest is still big, and hey, what are you going to do ? LOL.

    @ALA – Ok. Wow. I’m going to say something here. Any guy that makes you feel THAT horrible and calls you horrible names and wont let go of a horrible inside “joke” that makes you feel terrible……is a toxic toxic man. Please reblock him and move on and never even make any effort to think about him again. Wow. I cant imagine. The real question is WHY IN THE WORLD would you want to unblock someone like this and potentially ever have any kind of communication with them again??????

  112.  #112Veronica on April 5, 2013 at 12:34 am

    94 – Tereana – I’m kind of in a similar situation to yours. I’m trying to find places with a strong art/poetry community to stay in for a while. I’m also looking for places with vegan/bike riding/cheap rent/ some access to nature opportunities. Pittsburgh would have been somewhat ideal but BM is from there and quite frankly I’m beginning to think that cutting all ties with him would be best for me. I’ve heard that the Bay Area has a good alternative cinema scene as well as a good poetry scene. But info about what I’m looking for is so difficult to find – it’s like I’m using google to find out where all the kind people live. What are the pros and cons for you regarding the Bay Area? Do you know of any websites that I can visit that could give me a sense of what the Bay Area is like?

    As I mentioned above I’m thinking of cutting all ties with BM for good. I’m not sure if this is a good idea and would like some help from the sirens. I have been friends with guys before and this thing I have with BM doesn’t feel like a friendship at all. I e-mailed him over two weeks ago. Since then I have done no leaning forward at all — and crickets. Nothing. I feel like this friendship won’t move forward if I don’t initiate contact and that feels awful. I can feel anxiety to do something – to get out of limbo. I can’t do the ‘going back to friends’ when there is no real friendship going on. I still feel the expectations of being in a relationship. Ugh I don’t want to feel this way. And I also wonder if I’m using this as an excuse to get into contact again. I don’t like being in this position because I feel that if he is my friend then why the no interest in keeping the communication going? Oh gosh this is agonizing. I really need help with this one.

  113.  #113mary on April 5, 2013 at 12:47 am

    10 Daria!

    oh my goodness.

    i finally broke up with music man after ALMOST THREE YEARS and he won’t let me go.

    he’s been out of town for about a week and a half and he just got back home tonight. he called. i didn’t answer.

    at first i asked him to please not call, email or text me (no morse code, no messages in bottles, no writing in the sky) and he ignored my request.

    then his anger escalated.

    i didn’t want him to look me up when he got home, so i emailed him just before easter to say, let’s have peace between us.

    he took it as we’re getting back together.

    so i emailed him so nice things, acknowledging the things he was so mad about, agreeing… and said, please don’t be surprised or upset if you don’t hear from me.

    so tonight he’s home and he called. i didn’t answer and he left a message:

    i. want. to. talk. to you.
    I……. WANT…… TO……. TALK….. TO…… YOU!

    i feel scared.

  114.  #114Veronica on April 5, 2013 at 12:48 am

    How do I give up the expectations? I feel so irritated by being in this position – like I want to rip it out of my skin. Can there be parts of me that aren’t connected to him? I feel like screaming. I feel a folding in pain in my chest and abdomen. I feel so let down in myself, I don’t want to be stuck like this! Why can’t I just shake this off? I feel forgotten and unfelt for. I feel like I’m waiting – I don’t want to be dependent on someone like this.

  115.  #115mary on April 5, 2013 at 12:54 am

    oh about 10 comment:

    committed before committing.


    no more girlfriend for me.


    thanks Rori.

    you were right about that.

  116.  #116Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 1:28 am


  117.  #117Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 1:30 am

    Veronica – I don’t know you too well, and I don’t know if you meant Pittsburg Pennsylvania or Pittsburg California (East Bay), but it sounds to me like Oakland would be a good place for you!!

  118.  #118Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 1:47 am

    Heart – I didn’t call him to check in

    I feel weird reading your responses. I’m glad you think my stories are funny! But partly I think you’re right and I might have had a “knee-jerk” response. (I vented my frustration HERE, not to him. What I said by text was feeling-based). If I’d done it differently, what I would have done would be either a) stopped communicating or responding when I realized what had happened, or b) called him to talk about it rather than just cancel the date. That feels “boy energy” to me, because I made a “decision.”

    But on the other hand, I trusted the feelings in my body! They were very strong. And whether I’m doing a good job of describing it or not, they were telling me that something didn’t feel right.

    I’m still not good at communicating negative feelings. They come layered with shame and guilt and all that nasty stuff. It will get easier.

    And I think, partly, I may still not be that great at CD-ing, even though it’s been years. I don’t necessarily like dating more than one person at a time. I am not “in a relationship” with dancingCD or anyone else. But I was still ready to tell this new guy that I was “kind of seeing someone.” maybe he picked up on my vibe. Who knows. It’s just that, knee-jerk or not – guilty feeling or not – I get the sense that I may have just dodged a bullet. Even if he thinks I’m crazy.

    Who cares what he thinks.

    I need to go to sleep!!!

  119.  #119Syrena on April 5, 2013 at 4:13 am

    71: Elsie

    “@seahorse. OK – I have to tell you that I pretty thin and athletic build, but have a very good size chest.

    When I wear something tight…..I expect that men will look at it. Its what they were programmed to do by nature. Now, I’m not saying you deserve to be attacked or hurt in any way – lets not go crazy here – but to wear something tight and low cut, well….frankly, men are going to look. They just are. If you want to be mad at them, I guess go ahead, but its not going to change anything, and frankly everyone will just say what I”m going to say – which is that you can avoid the whole thing by wearing a t-shirt that isnt so low or tight. No one is saying you need to wear a turtleneck five sizes too big…..just wear something normal.

    I’m sorry, but this has been my world since I was 16. I deal with it ALL the time.

    No biggie. Men like to look at women. Men like to look at womens chest and bottoms.

    There is nothing sinister or horrible about it.

    The end. Thats my take on it.

    You wont ever change that – its the world. So either wear it and be mad, or wear it and dont care, or dont wear it. Those are your only options.”

    Elsie I hear what you are saying and also am well endowed. I do not mind people looking.
    What bothers me is that they equate that to meaning if you put it on show that they can touch. Or that it means you want and are up for casual sex with them.

    Showing the goods does not mean they are for free.

  120.  #120Veronica on April 5, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Thanks Tereana – I meant Pittsburgh PA. I’ll look into Oakland.

  121.  #121Veronica on April 5, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I feel like I have so much work to do on myself. Better have my boy roll up his sleeves and get on with it.

  122.  #122IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Feeling refreshed and thankful today. Feeling super embarrassed about last night.

    But you know what? I’m thankful that I have all that “crazy” deep down inside me.

    It makes me human. It makes me keenly aware of my deep need for J3sus.

    I think what feels most embarassing to myself about myself is that my “addictions” to people don’t even really seem to have any merit. In other words, they don’t make sense, because the people don’t really “do” anything to me.

    & I only get “addicted” to certain people, which also feels curious.

    My friend from college is ridiculously good-looking, amazing, also has a gf, but I have never felt “addicted” to him like I have with other guys.

    Thankful for that.

    Wonder what triggers “addiction” in me?

    a certain type of attention and then the withdrawl of that attention?

    I don’t know.

    I feel so embarrassed about it though.

    I feel forgiveness towards myself.

    I have to.
    I have to stop, I have to change.

  123.  #123prplpsn28 on April 5, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I feel so frustrated and hurt but at the same time love the guy I’ve been with for 18 months. We are both 47 yrs old so we are not into the game playing tho I feel like that’s what he’s doing sometimes. Cuz of past marriage he seems afraid of committment. I don’t believe there’s anyone else tho. Tho who can really know for sure? He has in ways shown me that he cares but then there’s times when we don’t have communication for a couple days and we only see each other every other wknd when my kids are with there dad. He is a very busy dedicated guh. He has 2 teenagers that are both jocks and very busy with their sports, half owner of a business, 2 acres of his own property plus a rental property to take care of, etc. But I don’t understand why I don’t hear from him sometimes. And the ebook says to lrt him come to you. Thats pretty much what I do. I’m confused. Blah!

  124.  #124Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 6:00 am

    @IamHis –

    Does your “addiction” kick in strongly once they are taken? I only notice this because you describe your ex who is now with a fiance, and also your friend from college who has a gf (I know you said you werent attached to him) but it just made me wonder……do you only get super addicted when someone is completely unavailable?

  125.  #125Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 6:11 am

    RE 101 seahorse you are funny and witty. I love this.

  126.  #126IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 6:18 am

    @123 Elsie – yes. but not necessarily. sometimes a guy will like SMOTHER me with attention and then pull away. Even if I wasn’t all that interested in the first place, that also tends to trigger addiction in me.

  127.  #127IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 6:19 am

    and Elsie, he wasn’t my ex. He was just a friend. That is what is most sad and messed up about it…

  128.  #128seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Sweet morning to Sirens-

    Okay. I agree that they are ‘out there’ and besides binding or surgery, there they will remain. I loved Erin and her vibe. Excellent reminder Rori, thank you. After thinking more, I came up with the thought that it’s a control thing. Controling what though. It feels like control. i am remembering practicing “I am the yummy pie” and when I was in the club/bar my vibe was turned on toooooo high and I had men around and no idea what in the world to do with them. Ha!!!! Control!! right there. Why did I have to do anything thing with them. Like Julie the Cruise director or curator at a museum. I want to go under/around whatever to love this thing in me. Only me. Feels selfish to want that. I love my selfish. Is that my boy trying to take care of my girl? That night I remember a man staring at my chest and he was drunk and he said that he could spend hours in my chest. Then he looked at my eyes. My eyebrow was so far up my forehead it could of part of my hair line. I said to him, ‘I don’t like that’ go away’ Thats all I could get out. Then I left. This was a guy that wasn’t even speaking to me before that. Just outside of the other men who were speaking. I feel angry and weak for not letting it go. I love my feelings around this. They are perfect. I’m not responsible for those men with no mannners. Ha! I’m only responsible for me. That feels like I could fly up to sky!! Thank you

  129.  #129Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Funny, I am the size exact size and prefer men to look at my b00bs than at my behind. I have spent most of my life trying to get rid of my behind as I have always thought it was too big.

  130.  #130IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 6:37 am

    I want people to see the real me, but I also want to hide.

    There’s a suspicion that the real me isn’t loveable…

  131.  #131Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 6:44 am

    FW, that means it’s really s-xy;))

    I still get upset when even boyfriends look at my body parts in public places. Or maybe it has more to do with the fact that dumbcd looked and looked, and then looked very pleased, but stopped intimacy completely.

  132.  #132Lilybelly on April 5, 2013 at 6:46 am


    It has always been my experience and continues to be so; if it feels funky, it is. My intuition is the one thing I don’t ignore and it has never been wrong. It has been the times that I have chosen to ignore it that all h&ll has broken loose. 😉

    L0rd knows I have done that plenty!!! hee hee

  133.  #133seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 6:52 am

    It feels like a new light is getting stronger inside. Deep down in me. It’s not new it’s always been there. Hidden still but getting oxygen. He used to tell me I wasn’t good looking, why do people talk to you???? Angry face with disdain. ALWAYS the disdain. Like I was …….I don’t know, stupid? Ugly and ………. He hated that people spoke to me. Just anybody. And he hated it. Made fun of me and called me a skippy magnet. Made fun of the people who spoke to me. I didn’t like going out for date nights with him the three or four yyears. Such shaking and angry. He was stupid he was jealous and I almost went mad from it. Dum A hat I dont like him. I wrote it!!!! Ha!!!! Breathe seahorse. I’m so sorry and I didn’t want to be sick anymore. I’m not responsible for his stuff. Triggers galore around this. Beloved said that she invited it. I did that too. I will not do that again. I have said when. Enough. I love me all of it me. Thank you

  134.  #134Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 6:58 am

    What kills me is the thought that I didn’t open up enough for him to get to know me better and maybe then make a more informed decision about me…

  135.  #135Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 7:08 am

    “Unless we achieve alignment between us and ourselves, no other relationship can be a good one.

    The more attention we give to any subject, the more active that vibration is within us, and the longer that occurs the more powerful it is until we have irrefutable evidence of it in our own experience physically, as it becomes drawn into form.

    When we’re grateful the creator looks down and says, hey this person is getting connected – let’s up his status and give him/her more of what he/she wants.

    You can access the energy that creates worlds, you can fulfill your reason for being, and you live happily ever after.

    We should be constantly expanding our ideas of ourselves, bigger better stronger, more capable, more capacity. I AM.

    Inspire the cooperation of children; do not force their compliance.

    Feeling grateful, today? I am dancing it, woo hoooo! I got game, got love, got friends, got money. The purpose of gratitude is to connect us to a higher vision of life. What are you grateful for today?

    The only important thing is how to win your own freedom. How did you win yours?

    We all hear 2 voices within us. The first is “I want to,” and the second is, “I have to.” The first is the voice of freedom; the second is the voice of fear. Which do you listen to?

    There is an intelligent source at the origin of everything. The question is can we find the revelation in each moment to trigger its communicative appearance in each of our lives?

    Go on an appreciation rampage! What/who do you appreciate?”

    Harrison Klein

  136.  #136IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 7:19 am

    @134 Thanks for that, Feminine Woman.

    I think I’m going to design my own “Love Scripts” program.

    I’m going to call it “Love Scripts for When You’ve Royally Screwed Up.”

    Feeling silly. and relieved.

    that I can still forgive myself…

  137.  #137Rori Raye on April 5, 2013 at 7:46 am

    prplpsn28, Welcome – and here’s my “take” on your situation. It isn’t completely bleak – but I believe you have some work to do. First – every other weekend is not okay for an exclusive relationship. Period. In order to be exclusive (which is HUGE in my book for a woman) you have to have exactly what you want in a relationship. That means marriage or engagement or living together, and, absolutely, in MY book – seeing each other at least 2 to 3 times a week, some consistency and sense of a future together. Otherwise, you’re DATING. This isn’t a BAD thing – it’s just not “exclusive” material – it’s dating.

    Please, please read and work with the new ebook – learn to use Feeling Messages. Learn to Circular Date – because CD’ing is your ticket out of this stuck place – and it’s just about “dating” – so learn everything you can. My entire catalog is so insanely inexpensive now (not much more than 1 hour privately with me by phone) that you might want to consider it to really immerse yourself in the Tools and get a plan together. Right now – he’s running the show, he has all the power, and he has exactly what he wants. Do you? Because he’s assuming this is all perfectly great for you! Until you can learn to talk to him in a heartfelt, real way – until you know exactly what you WANT to say to him, and what you want to do – you’re going to be stuck. Work with the book – it will help you so much. He can’t “come to you” much logistically – he’s too busy, and sex isn’t driving him to you more than every two weeks. You need to consider your options, what living together would look like (even without marriage, but at least the conversation would get started). Otherwise – if you’re okay with the way things are now – keep it, and have a big social life as well. Love, Rori

  138.  #138Rori Raye on April 5, 2013 at 7:51 am

    seahorse – I’m so reminded of people who have actual physical issues and either drown emotionally and spiritually in the frustration and seeming rejection and weirdness of it – or they get a bigger view and get a sense of humor and a philosophy of life that would allow them to love a drunk who was fixated on a part of their body (and therefore bring in more love for sure from a not-drunk). I am full of a sense of amazement and grace that your physical issue is one of standard BEAUTY! Wow! You so ARE the Yummy Pie! Love, Rori

  139.  #139Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Or maybe I should just shut up and realize that he got a new trophy woman who can help him start over again, have more children, etc. Though with the first child it took his wife trick him into getting pregnant after years and years together, he refused it no matter how much she asked.

  140.  #140Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Ohh I just got a text from the new cd asking me for drinks later tonight. He says he is leaving on Monday, but WANs to see me again before he goes.

    I actually have another first date planned tonight. It feels kind of too last minute plan.

  141.  #141BeLoved on April 5, 2013 at 8:06 am


    Memulo Awww…
    You can’t go back in time and change whether you opened up or not, but
    you CAN go into your mind and change those moments.
    Imagine if you DID open up, and how you want him to respond.

    I can’t go back in time and change what happened with my baby, BUT, I don’t have to torture myself with the memory anymore.
    Instead of playing the scene where I went in shock out in my mind over and over again
    now I imagine picking him up, kissing him and holding him.

    It doesn’t change what happened, but it did free me from being stuck in that moment for the rest of my life.

    Instead of replaying the things my dad used to say to me, when the memory comes up, now I imagine him stopping, saying he’s sorry and scooping me up and showering me with kisses.

    It doesn’t change what happened, but I am no longer terrorized by my mind.

  142.  #142Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 8:09 am

    The only area where I think I might have been – or still be – a little off. And I can see this more objectively now that I don’t have the strong feelings clouding my brain, is that what it all comes down to me making him “wrong.” And it’s weird. It’s like a “need” almost. And I realize that I do this with a lot of guys. Like a kind of pattern. A story or drama where the guy dies something “wrong” to offend me, and then when he realizes his wrong he is, he apologizes and offers to do something to make it up.

    I did this with SYG. And he apologized and tried to make it up, but I was stubborn and I didn’t really let him. And that, in retrospect, is when things really began to end with us. That’s when it kind of went “cold.”

    I feel somehow justified when a guy does something to offend me, and then he apologizes. It’s like it hits some sweet note where “all is right with the world.” But it isn’t. He feels bad. And why? Because I want him to?

    I have another theory about what happened to me yesterday, and it’s not pretty, and it’s not self-flattering. Perhaps the whole reason the feelings were so strong is that I was high-jacked from the inside by some unconscious “process” that “needs” to keep acting out this drama for me. If so, there must be some message in it for me. And I still don’t feel bad or guilty for my response.

    But it does explain why I feel a strong need to explain or defend myself. Because the “real me,” who went into hiding at some point, was actually totally cool with everything. Before I knew WHY he asked for the time change, I said 3:30 was okay, but no later.

    I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. I’m Just trying to extract some meaning out of this. Otherwise, it feels like wasted energy to have communicated with him at all. But everything happens for a purpose and nothing is really wasted

  143.  #143Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Memulo, you can make him wait ; )

  144.  #144Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 8:12 am

    That post in 142 was about the weekend CD. Sorry for the terrible grammar. I was typing on my phone in the drizzle

  145.  #145Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 8:15 am

    BeLoved, you know what, it helps! Thank you so much again!!!

    I replied to new cd that I’d love to see him again, but this is a bit of a short notice and I have plans for tonight already;)

    It’s up to him to make it happen.

  146.  #146Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 8:16 am

    BeLoved, I love that about not being “terrorized in your mind.” We all do that, and it’s even more powerful when you have something you really can’t change. At least we can’t change what happened. (which is everything in the past.) But we can change how it affects us. Thank you…

  147.  #147Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Beloved I feel ashamed to compare what happened to you to my situation. I am sorry, I am almost ready to cry here

  148.  #148ALA on April 5, 2013 at 8:20 am

    I feel upset about Elsie’s comment. My NV’s want to take control of this and tell me I’m a bad person. I feel judged. My Dad would tease me and my sisters about our personality quirks and body parts. We all grew up so introverted, suppressing ourselves and not having confidence in our abilities. I’m here now, on the blog learning how to believe in my self.

  149.  #149seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 8:25 am

    My boy inside had me take a lap. I appreciate and love my feet. They get me around where ever I go. Thank you feet. I love and appreciate my dog for always being there. I Love that when I got in the car they were speaking of breasts and what kinds men like. Universe I heard you loud and clear. I appreciate Rori reminding me of my sense of humor and I am so very thankful to be able to laugh at ‘stuff’. I feel all the animate and inanimate glow from the gratefulness. And all the hands that touched the things and am thankful for those who made them. The natural fibers that came from nature. Thank you. It just goes on and on an on. It feels really huge. glowing and quiet, restful to see it. All one and connected. And i hear my Grammy’s voice saying ” you ever hear of the man with no feet?’ said to me one day when i complained of their size. hahahhahaha!!! I love my feet. All of me. Oh, another one of her now. Hold your head up! Be different! Be proud of yourself.

  150.  #150Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 8:27 am

    IamHis – “now is my gift”

    Now IS your gift! Right now – these thoughts, feelings, reflections. Everything that’s being brought up by your friend’s death. That is an immense gift, and one that is very powerful. This is how people affect us, even when they are “gone.” It is painful, but a blessing. You are doing okay.

  151.  #151seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 8:38 am

    The drunk who said that was not anybody I knew. Some random guy. Know what? I am thankful for him too because I found a healing needed. Whoa!!! Could out the window tool be useful? I feel really good about this, ha!! Thankful for it even:) And the ex too. Why not? He is not a villian. Just is who he is. I don’t have to have any more thoughts to him. The power to his words. No more. Peace to him.

    Thankful for my Grammy and her words. Her hugs and kissing my angel on the back of my neck. I can feel her now and thank you. Open and breathing. You were right FW, the meditation works, the gratitude works. Thank you for being.

  152.  #152BeLoved on April 5, 2013 at 8:39 am


    Let it be a light, a beacon – there is a way out of the h3ll we create for ourselves in our minds.

    Wrapping you in the lightest, softest gossamer shimmering pink light of shame dissolving love and compassion…

  153.  #153seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Ala- Thank you for writing that. Big hug of warmth for you for me and the little girls we were!! And here is a kiss for your angel…. Mwwaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

  154.  #154prplpsn28 on April 5, 2013 at 8:40 am


    I appreciate your response. I have read your eBook and will probably read it a second time. Maybe I’m just dense and not comprehending, but I don’t know what and how to say things to him to get him to being exclusive without scaring him off. How do I know what Feeling Messages to use?

  155.  #155prplpsn28 on April 5, 2013 at 8:45 am

    And I’m definitely not ok with how things are. I want to be exclusive with him. Someone told me that they believe that in his head he thinks we are exclusive. That guys think differently that way. Huh?

  156.  #156seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Memulo Beloved!!!!!! Warm towels and hugs and kisses on your angels!!!! Big hugs and buttercups too!!

    Memulo- Close your eyes when you think of him,feel the warmth of the light, sunshine, at your back and turn around towards it, then open your eyes. And breathe!!! 🙂

    I was doing that in the kitchen the other day, my daughter was looking at me like I was crazy. What are doing Mom? I stopped, realized I was dizzy from doing it so much at once………….. told her I was doing circles, then we laughed and laughed. I am getting better at it, it works even if all you is dizzy, like a child again just for the joy of it.

  157.  #157ALA on April 5, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Thanks ((( seahorse ))) the hug feels really good!

    FW _ I LOVE the appreciation rampage! Feels challenging for me today. I like having a choice between freedom and fear.

    I feel weird seeing PhDcd today. Not hearing from him, do I just show up at the location and wait? It doesn’t feel good that he hasn’t confirmed our plans. Hard to feel excited about him. Notice I am choosing fear, like I HAVE to go. I WANT to make a new friend… but still. I feel unsure and confused.

  158.  #158seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 8:55 am

    I am thankful for prplpsn28 being here. I am thankful for Beloveds voice and how she writes to see pictures in my mind. I am thankful for all the things that got me here to feel like this, this very sweet like candy feeling in my chest and all over really. I feel like bubbles are coming up. Breathing. Thank you

  159.  #159ALA on April 5, 2013 at 9:02 am

    🙂 I feel smiley reading seahorse… I’ll get there too!

  160.  #160IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 9:07 am

    @150 Tereana – Thank you so much for your support! It feels great. 🙂

  161.  #161seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Oh for PETE”S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m carrying around a dead horse!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!! Let go………. Grammy voice is strong. So what your milk spilt…. get a new one, finish it, and go get back out there to play. Then a kiss. I’m going to take a lap again. I will be in such great shape with all this walking:)

  162.  #162ALA on April 5, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Okay, whew… he did confirm.

    Would help if I checked my msgs. Feel better now.

  163.  #163prplpsn28 on April 5, 2013 at 9:27 am

    I’m feeling really sad 🙁

  164.  #164Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Thank you for your support BeLoved 😉

    Seahorse I smile reading your comments.

    NewCD responded almost right away with his availability over the weekend, I picked the time that works for me and he said that he will call me with the plan! Sounds good so far.

  165.  #165Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I like this advice: “Sometimes things don’t work out – You’re okay no matter what. Really, you are, and you have to drill that into your head (where it doesn’t want to be).

    Whatever perspective you need to adopt around this situation to make it GOOD for you – DO IT!!!! Just talk yourself into a GOOD story about the situation.”


    Much Love,

  166.  #166IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 10:05 am

    “Whatever perspective you need to adopt around this situation to make it GOOD for you – DO IT!!!! Just talk yourself into a GOOD story about the situation.”

    Mercedes – I love this, but it’s not good when you tend to talk yourself into imaginary situations, like I do.


  167.  #167Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Thanks, Mercedes, love that!

    I’ve got a date tomorrow night and another one with someone else on Sunday. And I met a guy last night at the art opening (from online) he flirted a lot and kept trying to get my attention all night. Update: he just texted me and wants to get together. And met another guy at the opening who asked for my number. And looks like I’m going to get together next week with someone I met on a plane a few months ago…

    So lots of men but I’m not that thrilled with any of them. What do you ladies suggest for a situation like this? I have a really hard time “convincing” myself to be interested/attracted to someone when I’m not. But some of these guys are great guys n super nice!

  168.  #168IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 10:09 am


  169.  #169IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 10:13 am

    @154 prplpsn – you can’t “make” a man commit to you. You can “inspire” him.

    and date a whole bunch of other guys, if you know how to do that.

    apparently, that’s one of the only things that “inspire” some men to commit.

    I feel angry and annoyed writing that…

  170.  #170Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 10:13 am

    ALA, yes, just go without expectation. Or rather, expect that he WILL show up, and if he doesn’t then move on to the next guy. But I would at least give him a chance if I were you. Unless your gut is telling you that something is really “off” about him?

  171.  #171IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 10:15 am

    @167 Liquid Light – I don’t know what to tell you. I always have that same problem. Apparently, you’re supposed to try to “feel curious” and “feel thankful” with those men.

    Depending on your patterns, “good men who are interested in you” may never seem attractive to you, unless you give it a lot of time and patience letting them serve you, give to you, etc.

    and I feel angry writing that…

  172.  #172IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 10:19 am

    I read something in “The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection” that felt interesting to me.

    It said that, instead of letting relationships be extremely one sided, where one is obviously and heavily pursuing the other, while “the other” usually feels resistant, it said, two people wanting to try a romantic relationship should “meet in the middle.”

    I really liked that.

    I wish I would have done that with guys in the past. Who have shown interest, but who I feel like I almost threw off the balance by “leaning back too much.”

    maybe it was my fear more than leaning back, and that’s what held them back….

    I feel sad.

  173.  #173Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 10:23 am

    IamHis 166: “but it’s not good when you tend to talk yourself into imaginary situations”

    This is the key part, for me, that keeps it from being dangerous: “to make it GOOD for you”. If you’re doing/thinking/saying what is GOOD for you then it is right. 🙂

    Much Love,

  174.  #174Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Instead of letting relationships be extremely one sided, where one is obviously and heavily pursuing the other, while “the other” usually feels resistant, it said, two people wanting to try a romantic relationship should “meet in the middle.”

    OMG!!! This described my last relationship to a T. I started feeling resistant because he was putting so much pressure on me. I wish we could have “meet in the middle” more because that dynamic was just not working for me….Of course, I really miss him now that we are broken up!

    thanks for the tip, Iamhis, I will try to do that with these new guys. I will try to keep an open mind and heart. That will be challenging for me but I will try…Is that what you mean? any other tips?

  175.  #175Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 10:28 am

    LL: When I was circular dating I approached it as a way to make new friends and meet new people. That way, it didn’t matter if I was attracted or not, it just meant I was going to have a good time.

    Much Love,

  176.  #176Violette on April 5, 2013 at 10:35 am

    I am single. Although I’m not really dating any men at the moment, I still label myself as “dating,” at this point in my life. I enjoy spending time alone and putting my energy into work and money, which is so important right now, and I flirt as much as I can. I have said no to some men I might not have said no to in the past, and my boundaries are getting stronger and easier for me. If I don’t see men to flirt with, I flirt with women. And it’s all so helpful for that one moment with a guy who throws me off, like I am more in control.

  177.  #177Dominique on April 5, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Iamhis – This is much the same when I talk about acting AS IF. Yet acting AS IF is not creating an imaginary story. It’s more about NOT creating a bad feeling story. THEN summon up a good feeling memory around this person, and act AS IF. This is yout truth. And this shifts your energy big time. Really useful when your man is in a mood. Helps you feel better, and it may inspire him to come out from under faster.


  178.  #178Dominique on April 5, 2013 at 10:43 am

    prplpsn28 – You can’t make a man do anything, commit to you or anything else. You CAN create a safe place for him, a soft place to land IF he’s truly the man for you.

    And you do this by placing your focus back on you, taking really, really good care of yourself, treating yourself as the goddess woman you are, filling your life up with people and activities which fulfill you, make YOU feel good.

    When using feeling messages, I’m much more about looking for what DOES feel good to you about him, what he does and says which you love. TELL him. Tell him how good it feels when……….how much you love it when he………….and melt.

    You have a far better chance of getting more of what you want in this way then by telling him what you don’t like, what you’re not happy with.

    Give this some time. Choose your heart-to-hearts carefully, for when something is really weighing on you.


  179.  #179Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Mercedes, I like that idea too but I’ve found that if I guy is interested in you then its challenging to be “friends” with them. The dynamic is unbalanced and ends up being uncomfortable for me.

  180.  #180seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 10:49 am

    ” It’s about NOT creating a bad feeling story”!!!!!! This feels like Yipee!! and so does “it doesn’t matter if I was attracted or not, IT JUST MEANT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME”!! Tallyho!!! and then “My boundries are getting stronger and easier for me” BINGO!!!! Thank you Mercedes and Dominque and Violet.

  181.  #181seahorse on April 5, 2013 at 10:51 am

    When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. Seek, and ye shall find. Be open. Thank you

  182.  #182Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Maybe I’m just dense – prplpsn28 maybe focussing on getting rid of these mean descriptives of yourself might help to change your vibe.

  183.  #183Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 10:55 am

    do I just show up at the location and wait?

    ALA this struck me as a boundary issue. I was wondering why would you ask yourself such a question. Do you normally ask for some kind of confirmation within a certain timeframe?

  184.  #184Lilybelly on April 5, 2013 at 10:58 am

    “You must master a new way to think before you can master a new way to BE.”

    Marianne Williamson

  185.  #185Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 11:01 am

    what would be so cool is if I could have the good stuff with my ex but not the bad stuff…that would be SO COOL

    ok, moving on now…hahahahaha!!!

  186.  #186IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 11:18 am

    I feel frustrated. I feel like “the tools” have simply brought me more attention from men in general.

    Which is great, except that the attention isn’t necessarily the kind I want.

    I want something REAL.
    I want something that I ACTUALLY WANT.
    I want to just BE ME.
    I want to be accepted by someone I can respect and love.

  187.  #187Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 11:22 am

    LL: I also didn’t date men I wasn’t attracted to more than a couple of times. While circular dating, I really did just have fun. I dated a lot of men. Not looking for my “connection” or anything like that, just having fun. When it wasn’t fun (ie they were attracted and I wasn’t, they were pushing too quickly, they hated paying for the dates, etc), I just moved on.

    Much Love,

  188.  #188IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 11:37 am

    @187 Mercedes – FUN. that sounds no pressure and awesome!

  189.  #189Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 11:39 am

    IamHis: “I want something REAL.
    I want something that I ACTUALLY WANT.
    I want to just BE ME.
    I want to be accepted by someone I can respect and love.”

    You will have this. Not maybe on your timeline (few of us get it on our own timelines…which sucks) but you will. I’m sure of it and will remember you in my meditation tonight.

    Much Love,

  190.  #190IamHis on April 5, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Wow, Mercedes. Thank you! That means a lot! 🙂

  191.  #191Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 11:41 am

    IamHis: I think maybe I wasn’t “ready” for more than that (J broke my heart so…it takes time to get over that). It was fun though. And I did meet a lot of interesting people. Attraction didn’t really matter so much…it was something to do and adult company. I liked it for the most part. There were a couple of creepy ones but…they fell off quickly (very quickly). LOL

    Much Love,

  192.  #192Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 11:50 am

    @Dominique – Choose your heart-to-hearts carefully, for when something is really weighing on you.

    Yes. A thousand times….yes. Its very important to make sure you PICK THE RIGHT TIME to say something and also sort of pick your battles. If you unleash at everything, he will start to become numb to it.

    On another note, he slightly snapped at me today because he is having a horrible day (with something else not to do with me) and I said….very gently….wow, I dont think I deserved that, that didnt feel good.

    When I saw him a moment later, he put his hand on me and apologized. It was very sweet. And I apologized too – I told him that I have a tendency to be overly emotional and he knows this and so I appreciate his apology and just know that I am also emotional so I’ll try to be more understanding when it isnt about me.

    It was a moment. And it felt so HEALTHY. Like both of us were really trying to take care of the other one. It was just a moment. But wow…..a good one.

  193.  #193Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Elsie, awwhhh, that is SO SWEET! 🙂

    Mercedes, yeah, I like that. I always get caught up in “well I’m not that into this guy”, but I guess I can at least give him a few dates.

    How does this fit in with RR’s philosophy? It sounds like she wasn’t that into her man, who became her husband, initially either.

  194.  #194Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    LL: I think it fits well with what Rori teaches. Dating isn’t about finding “the one”, it’s about having fun and seeing who falls so hard for you that he steps up to claim you and about how you are dating so much that you have lots of options and then YOU can decide if you even WANT the one who stepped up to claim you. 🙂

    I don’t think I personally was expecting anyone to claim me…I really don’t think I was sure that would ever happen (or if I wanted it to). Really I did it mostly to keep my mind off of J. It helped a lot and I had some really good times.

    Much Love,

  195.  #195Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Mercedes, Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I think the problem I have with cd’ing in general is that you can only keep someone at arm’s length for so long before they want something physically or get emotionally attached. Either way, I’m not comfortable keeping someone “at bay” for too long so to speak. So how do you date all these guys long enough so that one of them or several of them want to step up and claim you?….I mean I don’t think that’s going to happen after a couple dates, you know? And to be honest, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that if it did.

  196.  #196Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    LL: For me, it happened like this:

    I was dating lots of men. Most of them didn’t make it past two dates because there was no attraction or they were creepy (judging, I know but hang in there with me) or moving too fast, etc.

    For those who DID make it to several dates, I was very, very upfront and honest with them about everything. They knew I was dating other men. They knew I had just come off of a very emotional relationship. They knew I wasn’t ready for more. They knew I wasn’t going to have sex with them.

    Some fell off the planet when they really “got” those things about me. Others kept asking me out, knowing we were “just friends”. Many times, I had to turn someone down because I already had a date with someone else. I was honest.

    In the end, two guys stuck it out. One was a man who I had become very good friends with and did kiss (only kissing though) several times. One was J. J started filling up my weekends for sure and then other days of the week as well. One day this “friend” of mine had a talk with ME about whether or not I was interested in more or if I ever would be. I reiterated what I had already told him and he wasn’t willing to stick around waiting for me to end things. He broke it off with me.

    At that time, J and I were seeing a lot of each other anyway and having some really solid good talks and he was trying to make plans for our future (which I was avoiding). One day he mentioned to me that I didn’t seem to be dating other men anymore and he liked that. He wanted to know if I ever would again and he wanted to know what he could do to ensure that wasn’t going to happen to us anymore. We sort of went from there. He was bringing us closer and closer and filling up my time and I in turn took my online profile down and stopped giving out my number, etc.

    It happened very, very slowly but it worked for us. The one friend who couldn’t deal with us not getting closer ended things with me. The others, I ended because I wasn’t “into” them or they ended because they weren’t getting what they wanted/needed from me. J hung in there through it all until I was ready to be “his”…although, like I said, he certainly was trying to monopolize my time!

    Does that help at all?

    Much Love,

  197.  #197Katherine on April 5, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Hi Rori:

    I am listening to your program “toxic man”. I am unsure and confuse about my relationship.
    I did the Intermittent rewards homework and this is what I got:

    Things that keep me attracted to him to make me wanting to make the relationship work no matter what:

    He got me a engagement ring. He engaged 2 months after we met; however she still introduces me as his girlfriend to his family and co-workers

    He pays the rent
    He buys me stuff
    He touches me in a sexual way and gets me very excited

    I love when he says “baby” to me.
    I love when he speaks in my language (Spanish).
    I love when he says I love you. However, he hasn’t mention he is in love with me. I want to hear him say that he is in love with me and that I am the woman of his life.

    I like when he keeps me on my toes. I feel I need discipline in my life because I am a free spirit.
    He shares his food when he cooks

    He makes me feel he is smarter than me; he knows best. Although I went to law school and I have a master degree. When I am with him I feel dumb.
    He is always right

    He is negative. His motto: life is miserable.
    He is always complaining about people. Nobody is good enough. I am good enough. I want to show it to him.

    He doesn’t have friends. I am his only friend. I am needed. I feel bad when I hung out with my friends for long. He says he misses me when I go away with my friends for long.

    He drinks beer everyday since I met him. On the weekends, he drinks more (about 6-8 bottles). I want to show him to relax in another way. My love will fix you. I feel myself counting how many beers he drinks in a given day. I feel needed but at the same time very upset I have to do this.

    He has been wounded. I want to be there for him to show him that women, this woman is good. He can trust me. I won’t hurt him. He can be so happy with me if he would let me. I feel upset thinking about this if I were to hear this from a friend I would say “dump him”. I feel I cannot let go.

    He makes condescending comments towards me when he is grouchy.

    He gets upset when I don’t predict the outcome of something. I feel I need to pay more attention. It makes me feel inadequate.

    When he is is upset, he is mean and distant. I feel bad. I want to fix things right away. I want things to be ok again. I feel like questioning myself. What did I do wrong this time? I feel insecure and sad.

    He gets me excited about him by hugging and and kissing me

    I never know how his mood is going to be. It keeps me guessing. Once I mentioned this to him. He said he is an ambiguous person. He said this is what I am going to get in our relationship

    When we need to talk, he is suddenly tired or responds saying: why? Do you want to break up with me? He has said this about 3 times already in the past year. I asked him why does he say this? He doesn’t answer. He only smiles. I don’t get a concrete answer

    When we started our relationship I told him I got herpes. He didn’t run away. He stayed. I told me once if you left me who is going to want me now that I probably have what you have. I felt awful. I told him I didn’t like this comment. He didn’t mention this again.

    I feel sometimes he is trying to look for what is wrong with me. Last weekend we were lying down on the grass and I felt he was looking at me. I smiled and opened my eyes. He said then you got wrinkles near your mouth, you might need cosmetic surgery soon. I felt awful. I was a beauty queen twice at my home town and guys always describe me as cute and hot girl.

    Sexually he always focuses in me coming with creative ways to keep him interested in sex. I feel tired being aggressive and down to business. He has never made an effort to romance me with romantic music or candles or saying saying how beautiful I look for him. I don’t feel the romance. I feel challenged to keep the passion going.

    He gets turn on by looking at other girls and tell me about his fantasies.This used to happen every time we went out. I told him that this made me feel uncomfortable. He said those were only jokes. I tried to go along with the game, but sometimes I get exhausted and insecure.

    He thinks he is not a good guy. He thinks he is crazy.

  198.  #198prplpsn28 on April 5, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Femininewoman #182

    You are absolutely correct. Something I need to work on.

    Dominique #178

    Thank you so much for your ideas. They make sense.

    IamHis #168

    Thanks for the hugs. I’m feeling happier 🙂

  199.  #199Heart on April 5, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Blog – my ex-bf from years ago wrote me today & tried to add me as a FB friend…Interesting. He did this once before last year. I can’t help but think this has some kind of meaninh…He asked about meeting up in summer if I’m travelling. I was open & nice but didnt encourage any ongoing conversation.
    What’s Rori take on the ex-lover showing up again?

  200.  #200Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    I wonder if I am being silent again. He texted in the morning that he will call/text to make plans and he looks forward to see me tomorrow. I did not respond. Is it ok or it’s being silent?

  201.  #201Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Silence can get you the love you are looking for. There is a Rori article or email to that effect.

  202.  #202Janie baby on April 5, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    i posted this in the past post but i didn’t realize there was a new one where people were talking

    Hello everyone!
    I took a few months break from the site. I read the power of now in december, and i felt so empowered and got really into my life in the city. I got into my acting classes, did alot of yoga, and basically took a step back from my man. Things improved drastically; it was almost crazy. i felt like i couldn’t believe it. after a patch of a few rocky months and after being together for more than 2 years i felt the butterflies again. he’d take me out more, come over more. just heavily lean towards me. in the past month or so though he’s been coming over every night and i started feeling dependant and scared because i’m scared of it turning how it was before. this past week things have just gone down the drain again. i feel my insecurities creeping in again and i can’t shake the crazy feeling. part of it might be that i’ve been hanging out with a girl who has an extremely crazy energy and i feel it rubbing off on me or activating that side of myself. I’m really sad. Everytime I’ve hung out with him this week, I pick a fight and then we’ll talk and he’ll reassure me he loves me but my neediness is pushing him away this week and then i feel anger because i feel like the second i drop my guard he goes away. i don’t know how much of it is me and my insecurities or if it’s my inner voice telling me something i really don’t know. this morning i picked another fight and it’s his birthday tomorrow and he said “if you actd like this tomorrow i’m going to ask you to leave” i told him i wouldn’t cause it’s his birthday and i’m excited. but i’m really scared. i’m really scared of myself riht now. i dont’ know why i keep crying and why i feel this sadness. i don’t know how to fix it. does anyone have any advice? I was doing so welll and now I’m just spiraling into my insecurities and bad habits. I’m so ashamed of myself. It’s like sometimes i just want to pull teh plug and end the relationship but i know that’s out of fear. i don’t know? What do you think I should do? Take space or what? I feel so confused. He also has a spare key right now so he comes over whenever after work (he works as a bouncer at night) which i like sometimes because i want him to come over but i als ofeel like he’s starting to take me from granted because he wont’ respond to my texts or calls anymore he just comes over..i feel confused and pain right now and i don’t know what to do.

    what do you ladies think? Mercedes?

  203.  #203Janie baby on April 5, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    oh and i’m a student and he works nights except monday nights so we don’t see each other as much. we spend monday night together and then he sleeps over the other nights but he will come really late and then i’ll leave in the morning so it’s nice but it’s hard to spend quality time. basiclly monday nights we have dinner and friday mornings and early afternoons we hang out…sometimes saturday but usually he is tired. and lately i’ve been sabotaging the time we do have cause i’m so tired of feeling insecure and this and that. and i know it’s my choice at the end of the day and i’m doing this to myself.

  204.  #204Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Janie baby: 🙁 Go back to what works. You were in a panic before. You took a break, read a book, applied the book to your life, got back into yoga and acting. And…he LOVED it and started showering you with attention!

    Can you do that again? I know how easy it is for us to lose ourselves in a man and in our insecurities. But…men rarely find that attractive (especially when we’re picking fights with them…).

    You know what this man likes. You also know that what he likes is what makes YOU happy. Can you do that again?

    As far as the key goes…you might consider asking for it back. “As much as I love it that you can come over anytime, I think, right now, I need us to date each other and call and text each other. This is feeling too familiar without the romance and I think it would be good for us to go back to the way it was.”

    Or something like that.

    You can have this relationship without pushing him away. You’ve proven that. This man WILL come to you when he needs and wants you. He’s proven that.

    Can you step back again, relax and focus on YOU again? You actually have a man within your grasp who LOVES it when you take care of yourself and when you take the focus off of him. Cherish that. You’re very lucky…

    Much Love,

  205.  #205Heart on April 5, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    I feel inpatient….waiting for a response…hehe

  206.  #206Heart on April 5, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    I feel impatient….waiting for a response…hehe

  207.  #207Janie baby on April 5, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    you’re the best! thank you so much.
    i definitely agree with you. i guess i just feel a little embarassed of acting so crazy and so i make the mistake of wanting to “fix it” and i guess i’m contemplating how i can fix it you know?
    Should I just do nothing and focus on me again?
    I feel the problem might be is that since he comes over many nights or i won’t know when i won’t plan on going to 7 am yoga. I changed my schedule so maybe it’s secret resentments. BUt then since we have no otehr time to see each other i feel like I’m ruining it because I can easily go to yoga at night.

    What do you think about this? and the transition to fix it? should i just do nothing?

    Thank you so much!! I always read what you say to other people and it makes sense. <3 xoxo

  208.  #208Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Heart: I’m here but I don’t know how Rori feels about that or what she’s written about that.

    For me, the answer is “always open to whatever as long as it feels good”. 🙂 But…I don’t know if that’s “right”.

    Much Love,

  209.  #209Heart on April 5, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Thanks Mercedes 🙂
    I feel excited that my ex showed up…because the times he showed up before were at times that I can see I was entering or in a new area of personal/emotional growth (at least that’s what I tell myself now – You’re evolving!)

  210.  #210Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Janie baby: I think this is all about taking care of YOU and doing what feels right. I understand that your time with him is limited and I have a couple of takes on that:

    1. If it feels good to you to adjust your schedule so the two of you can be together when it works for him, then do it. If you really want to do your own thing then:

    2. A man will…absolutely WILL…find a way to spend time with a woman he is interested in.

    Yes. Focus on you. Don’t do anything (other than maybe apologize for how you’ve behaved lately and for starting fights) to try to “fix” anything. Do what makes you smile. Men are quite often attracted to a woman who smiles. Men are rarely attracted to women who are picking fights with them.

    The fact that he told you if you do this on his birthday he’s going to have to ask you to leave is a really sure sign that he’s afraid you are going to do this on his birthday. He’s already anxious about that. He’s already made up his mind about how he will handle it if it happens and he’s already warned you about that. Wouldn’t you rather he be comfortable with how the two of you will get along at any given time? Don’t you think he would LOVE to know that he can have you on his arm in any situation and the night is going to be amazing?

    He’s not going to know this while things are happening the way they are. He will notice when you put the focus back on you.

    You found a book that seems to have changed things for you for a bit. I would suggest reading it again. Just as a reminder. It’ll probably feel really, really good.

    Much Love,

  211.  #211Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Heart: And I believe that. I believe our vibes travel to those we are or were closest to. I believe you are evolving and it attracts him. 🙂

    Much Love,

  212.  #212Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    @Janie Baby – I totally get you. I do the same thing. Mercedes was just talking about a friend of hers that did the same thing with a guy and was all great, but then started to get needy/clingy/insecure.

    I think its because women live in the future and men live in the now…..and so we want a reassurance that they will still be there in the future once we start attaching to them. Its hard….hugs to you.

    Mercedes as per usual…..is giving AWESOME advice. 🙂

  213.  #213Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I’m signing off soon for a weekend away with J and I probably won’t be online this weekend at all (and chose not to subscribe to these posts so I’m not tempted to read on my phone…lol). But…I wanted to wish each of you a fun, joy filled weekend. I’ll be thinking of you. And…IamHis…I won’t forget…you and your relationship dreams are the focus of my meditation tonight. 🙂

    Enjoy everyone!

    Much Love,

  214.  #214Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Concerning my front….he came over and talked to me again this afternoon – wonderful conversation.

    I thanked him for texting me early in the evening the other day because that was what we had agreed upon would work better for me – to know early. I hadnt told him I appreciated that – and so I did.

    It just feels so HEALTHY right now.

    I totally took Feminine Woman’s words to heart and I know that I can go to that needy/clingy/emotionally draining place with me and others….I really really need to work on that.

    I just need to continue to TRUST him….and his word…..and TRUST myself….that I am ok no matter what…..

    This blog has been such a wonderful place. I wish we all lived near each other to go out and have a Rori Raye “Wine and Dine” night LOL

  215.  #215Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    @Mercedes – have a FUN technology – free weekend with your guy!!!!

  216.  #216Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Thank you FW. I hope I don’t sound not interested.

  217.  #217Mercedes on April 5, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Awwww…Elsie…211…thank you! 🙂

    Much Love,

  218.  #218Heart on April 5, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Janie – I was introduced to Eckhart Tolle’s work recently….it had a profound effect…Just go look at some of his videos on youtube about the pain body. Listen to it every day.

    You know, I can see that Rori must have been heavily influenced by him…or other spiritual teachers.

    The one thing that interested me as well is that obviously his work isn’t just for women…
    Which makes me think …Should our future boyfriends & also be nodern sirens? lol!

  219.  #219Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    And now, 5 hours later, it’s probably too late to say anything?

  220.  #220Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Ok, I responded that I will be the prettiest one with a green scarf. Last time it was red;)

  221.  #221Heart on April 5, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Memulo – lean back ..be an invitation …if u want to say something Who Care…say it…5 hours later or whatever. At thus stage you should have Zero Emotional Investment.
    Do whatever you want to …but check with yourself first to see that you’re not doing it out of fear…Fear he won’t write back…fear he lost interest etc. If that’s the case, then Do nothing.

  222.  #222Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    @memulo 219 hahahaha!!! love that! 🙂

  223.  #223Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    @Memulo – Lean back. I agree with heart. The boys cant fill the space if you keep leaning in. 🙂

  224.  #224Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    well I think that being light-hearted and playful and fun can be very attractive to a man too (as long as you aren’t making fun of him)

  225.  #225Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    He responded that I will always be the prettiest one, but tomorrow he will have the green scarf to admire. And that he can’t wait.

    This sounds and feels wonderful and it’s all a light pretty flirting.

    I remember my first dates with dumbcd and still hard to believe we are where we are. I need to be very careful this time.

  226.  #226Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Thank you sirens. I did feel uncomfortable about not responding earlier but said something funny at least.

    I have to be careful.

  227.  #227Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Now I have another date to go to. Ok, perhaps I overdid it a bit.

  228.  #228Heart on April 5, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Awwwr he sounds sweet Memulo. Have fun.

  229.  #229Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    omg, sounds like fun, memulo! 🙂

  230.  #230Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you sirens, I am going out with him tomorrow and he still needs to tell me the plan. Tonight I have another first date.

    Ok, now I feel that I really overdid it;)

  231.  #231Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Relationship between Masculine and Feminine

    “Truth for the feminine changes from moment to moment. That is not because she is lying but because her truth depends on her feeling in the moment. A woman with a feminine essence is all over the place emotionally. Just because a woman says she doesn’t want to do something doesn’t mean she really doesn’t want to do it. It is how she feels in the moment. But when a man can do something to change her feelings, she may want to do it the next moment. She is probably waiting for you to change her feelings so that she would want to do what you are suggesting.

    One of the greatest gifts the masculine can give the feminine is his capacity to open her heart when it is closed, by changing her feelings at will. The feminine heart and body are free to be moved by love, and by life itself. Since memory is tied to emotion and the emotion of the feminine is tied to the present moment, past and future is irrelevant to a woman. A man’s mistake is as easily forgotten as his successes. He can always create love and happiness with her in the present moment. Do whatever it takes to crack the shell of her closure, get your love inside that crack and touch her heart.

    Truth for the masculine is fixed and constant. Once a man knows what he wants, his choices tend to remain the same throughout time. A man is his word. A man has to know what he wants and be sure of his decision. The feminine is attracted to the masculine whose truth is so strong that she cannot succeed in shaking or shifting him away from it no matter what she does, and therefore she can trust and yield to him. The feminine is always testing the masculine to see if he will always act from his deepest truth, and when he proves to be such a person, she has no choice but to surrender herself to his direction. A woman desires a man who knows what he is doing.”

    – Excepts taken from Article on Mind Reality (Relationship between Masculine and Feminine)

  232.  #232Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    @mercedes 196

    Thanks for sharing your wonderful story. I love how honest and exposed you always are!

    I wonder what your motives were. Was the cd’ing mostly a strategy to get J back? I wonder how you felt about the guy you kissed? You must have liked him to have kissed him? Did you ever wonder about him after he left…like have any regrets about it. I know you don’t now but back then?

    I’m asking because most of us are cd’ing to find “the one” or “a one”, not as a strategy to get someone back. So if I were dating around like that and all those cd’s dropped away when I was honest about my feelings (just wanting to be friends, and not wanting to get physically involved, or that I just wanted to take it slowly and no sex or whatever it may be) then what? leaves you right back at square one???

  233.  #233Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I feel bad now for chasing;(

  234.  #234Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Wow, awesome post, FW! Thanks for posting!

  235.  #235Elsie on April 5, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    @FW- WOW. Fantastic post. 100% True.

  236.  #236Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Ok nothing major happened. Next time will not make this mistake. I have to stop panicking;( After all I’ve been thru what is a 2nd date with someone?

  237.  #237Liquid Light on April 5, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    @memulo don’t beat yourself up…you are doing fantastic!!!:)

  238.  #238BeLoved on April 5, 2013 at 4:16 pm


    Memulo – relax and give yourself permission to make the alleged mistake 100 more times if necessary – it’s not like you are in charge of nuclear arms deployment or anything, it’s just a text 🙂

    You can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy. It might be fun to intentionally chase some guys you have no interest in just to get some practice doing it and realizing the world won’t end.

    By the way I LOVE that you shared the comment he made about you looking like Venus…it gave me such a sensual visual and I love having that when I think of you.
    Languid…sensual..adored <3

  239.  #239Rori Raye on April 5, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Katherine, Welcome, and thank you for this – I know we’ll all help you with this…and NO relationship is perfect or ticks all the boxes. YOU have to decide if you’re happier WITH him or WITHOUT him, and if he’s at all capable of responding to you when you speak to him with Feeling Messages and use Scripts with classic Assertiveness Training Tools – like agreeing with him about the wrinkles, etc…and see if he can grow up in your presence. When you take the Quiz in Toxic Men – that will help you, too. Love, Rori

  240.  #240Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Thank you LL and BeLoved;) I feel better now.

    Went to my date, the guy was not very attractive, but the he has a glass if wine and took my face and started kissing my cheeks. That was awful, I told him to stop and left shortly after;)

  241.  #241Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Memulo looking at prettiest kinda insinuates a comparison with other women. I am just wondering if choosing a word like gorgeous or just one that just is could be used.

  242.  #242Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    Btw the newcd did not call or text today about the plan for tomorrow. Actually I don’t like making plans over text. I prefer to be asked out over the phone.

  243.  #243Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    FW, you’re right.

    I should have responded to his morning text that I prefer to be made plans with over the phone. One should never relax with these people!

  244.  #244Femininewoman on April 5, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Memulo he can’t read your mind

  245.  #245Heart on April 5, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Memulo – are u meeting him somewhere?

  246.  #246Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Heart, I dont know;) He said this morning that he will call/text with the plan ‘later’. Didn’t happen yet. That’s what I dOnt like. He does know that I have other plans tonight, but don’t think this is the reason I did not hear any plans.

  247.  #247Vi on April 5, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    109 Rory you rock. Using chest to CONNECT with people? I LOVE this approach. I feel my guilt and shame and fear and numbness around looking sexy are dissolving like grease on a pan after a drop of dishwashing liquid. I feel new and shiny!

  248.  #248Memulo on April 5, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    One thing for sure – I am not going anywhere If not asked properly. I will tell him it feels better to make plans over the phone if he texts. In any case I will have a nice Saturday evening, with or without him;)

  249.  #249Daria on April 5, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    (((((((everyone hugs Daria)))))))

  250.  #250Daria on April 5, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    I don’t wear bras I live my breasts mmmm writing breasts feels good tits chesst busom

  251.  #251Vi on April 5, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Today I counted 3 moments when I fell into my pattern to think ‘his/her attitude to me is bad’ when there was something I felt unhappy about. What this pattern does for me is – takes me to my head, keeps me buzy judging a person, gets me angry and disconnects me from my heart. So instead of acting out of warmth and surrender and love ( towards me and that person) I act out of anger caused by those thoughts. And use FM with the agenda to guilt that person – look how bad I feel now’.. instead of ‘I respect your choice and it doesn’t work for me. Do you want us to do anything about it?’
    I feel so spared and good about myself after noticing all this. To me it was another way to abuse and beat myself up. Thank you, me, for tracking this pattern.

  252.  #252k2012 on April 5, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Wow, I just caught up with the blog. Mercedes, I know you will see this when you get back from your weekend with J- your story is wonderful. I can see that things with J developed gradually. Elsie, your guy DEFINITELY loves u. From all that you have said, its obvious. I oh so agree with you when u said that women live in the future and men in the now. True. So if a man tells u he loves u today and u are reassured, u will want him to tell u this again, say two weeks from now and if he doesn’t, u start to panic and wonder if things have changed. I was that way with long time ex. He would constantly reassure me. Yeah Elsie, I wish we all lived near and could all go out and dine. Funny thing, earlier today, I was remembering when I used to go to a particular website for women and asked if any of them on the board ever met each other yet and mentioned how lovely it would be if we all met. I made some friends there but lost touch with them eventually. It would be so nice if we could all meet one day. I am just about going to bed today ladies. Didn’t go to the restaurant today. Didn’t feel like it. Tomorrow however, I am going to the park. I look forward to it.

  253.  #253Janie baby on April 5, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. will copy and paste your advice to remember!!

    Elsie: feels good that you can relate to me 🙂 i know just got to focus on the NOW

    Heart: Ok I will do that now. Thank you !! I love Eckhart Tolle!

  254.  #254Tereana on April 5, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    My friend’s cat just did the funniest thing. Do you know “the plow” from yoga? …yeah, the cat just did that. It was hilarious…

  255.  #255Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 12:45 am

    I cannot explain why suddenly, in the last couple of data, I’ve been thinking of SYG. I really can’t. For weeks, I haven’t thought of him at all. I can only assume he is still going out with his wonderful, beautiful, cute, long-haired white girlfriend, who almost certainly is gentle and nice, but also has boundaries and doesn’t mind stating them clearly. Uggghhhh….

    My period does weird things to me. Now I know, also, why I declined señor weekend’s meeting tomorrow – my body must have known this was coming and it protected me. You think I’m wrong? You underestimate my body. I had no idea. I thought my period was coming on Monday. But now I am suuuper extra glad that I am not meeting that guy tomorrow.

    I do not feel embarrassed or bad about any of it, either. Y’all can stop trying to find fault with it, because I didn’t do anything wrong, and I don’t want it to have happened differently.

    I just don’t know why I’m thinking of SYG right now. He was never even my boyfriend. I guess I just hate that “almost” feeling….

  256.  #256Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Happy Birthday FW!! May love being you lots if miracles this year!

  257.  #257Femininewoman on April 6, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Thank you Memulo. I felt special reading that. I really appreciate you for remembering.

  258.  #258CurvySiren10 on April 6, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Happy birthday FW!!! Hope you enjoy your day!! 🙂

  259.  #259Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 5:59 am

    FW, apologies, just noticed that I typed ‘being’ instead of ‘bring’ ;( My phone autocorrector didn’t do a good job here. Or maybe it did not intentionally;)

  260.  #260Dominique on April 6, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Day!!!! Femininewoman.

    Wishing you everything you wish for.


  261.  #261LobbyStar on April 6, 2013 at 6:58 am

    Hi again, Sirens!

    I need your help.

    I’ve met the most incredible man. He has emotional muscle like I’ve never seen before. Somehow, I used all Rori’s tools with him — without even thinking about it. It just came naturally. We are crazy in love with each other.

    The problem is that I find I cannot be as open as I want with him. It is very difficult for me to say “I love you,” to him in person. I can do it in emails and over the phone. And it’s like this with any emotional talk. Also, I find that I can’t be sweet to him in person, though I can over the phone and in email.

    I used to be able to gush love and sweetness on my men. So what has happened?

    I have traced this back to my last 2 relationships. One man could not handle emotional talk at all. He would become defensive and shut down, and it would lead to some of the worst arguments I’ve ever experienced. The other man… I used to be very sweet to him with words, cards, flowers… and after he broke up with me, I felt very foolish for lavishing this sweetness on him. So I think I associate expressing my feelings and being sweet with bad things.

    So I can see why I am blocked. I know logically that my current guy will not react the way the other men did.

    How do I fix this?

  262.  #262Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 7:25 am

    @FW – HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Hope you have a wonderful year full of happiness, love, and health.

    @LobbyStar – Hi….I would say you hit the nail on the head yourself. You have a block because it felt like you were punished in the past for being emotionally available to men. I would suggest that you need to be authentically you. So, try it out in baby steps. Lavish some love or words on your man, and then step back and see what happens. Just dip your toe in the water of emotional vulnerability and see how he reacts. Allow yourself the opportunity to be surprised! Outside your comfort zone is where the growth happens. This man may (and probalby will) react differently than the other two. If he doesnt, then you will know he is not the man for you! 🙂

  263.  #263prplpsn28 on April 6, 2013 at 7:47 am

    I’m have just completed the ebook and am currently watching modern siren. So I am just now starting to use the tools and this is all completely new to me. I need help. How do I handle a situation where my boyfriend never makes plans for us ahead of time. He is part owner of a company and due to the nature of the business he never knows when he will get off. Sometimes he’s not even getn home til 8pm. And he’s also very busy with his kids. I understand this but not sure what to do. Do I turn him down and say I’m busy or do I jump and go cuz our time together is limited? I don’t want to seem needy and like I’m waiting around for him.

  264.  #264Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 8:02 am

    @prplpsn28 – it sounds like you are in a committed relationship. I HIGHLY recommend getting the Queens Code – its an ebook online and very inexpensive. It will help you … honestly.

    I think you need to say to him….”I need your help with something.” He will say “yes, what” because thats what all men say haha! They have a strong need to help and fix and PROVIDE.

    Now, that said – before I start – its very important that you realize its cruel to demand a man provide you something you know he cant if you care for him. For example, if you know he only makes $10,000 a year, it would be CRUEL to ask him to PROVIDE for you a $5,000 engagement ring, etc.

    So, you say, “I need your help with something. I”m sure that there is a good reason for everythign you do – and I need some help understanding your situation. I miss you and seeing you makes me melt and makes me feel connected and loved. I know you have a very stressful business situation where you dont know when you will get off work. I know that you have children that are very important. I need your help because I want to see you, and I do better knowing when and where that may happen. So, if you could help me and provide me with a way through this, that would feel so good. I know I”m important to you, and I know you love me….and you arent misbehaving and you arent in trouble haha!!! I’m just wanting to feel connected…..what are your thoughts?”

    And then be quiet. Let him be the boy and “fix” the situation.

    You MUST approach this with love and respect. You also must be prepared to hear “I cant give you that answer because my time is so up in the air.”

    Then you will have to decide what to do with his answer.

    This script is not to try to MAKE him change. Its to see where he is at and if he can PROVIDE you what you need.

    If he cant, then you can move on. If he can, it will feel good for both of you that he provided you what you needed.

  265.  #265BeLoved on April 6, 2013 at 8:14 am



    What if there’s nothing to fix?
    What if it’s fine and you’re just not ready yet and that’s okay?
    No need to rush – love and trust take time.
    The right guy is going to be around long enough for you to relax into him – I believe that, in the same way we inspire men, they can inspire us, too, to flower and unfold and blossom into their masculinity. Give him a chance to do this for you 🙂

  266.  #266Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 8:43 am

    @prplprsn28 – Also just to let you know I was in a very similar situation recently. I felt disconnected because my man wasnt sort of making time out – his schedule is very limited and I felt marginalized.

    I used that exact script. I laughed and was warm and open during it. He literally came up with the solution. He said that he would sort out when he could see me. I said – well, I do better if you can let me know before the evening, so I can plan things better for the next day, and with my children….etc. And then HE CAME UP with the idea to text me by a certain time if he will be able to hang out, etc. So, that totally worked for me. I thanked him for PROVIDING (very important word) me a solution to be able to connect with him.

  267.  #267Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 8:49 am

    @197 Katherine – I”m so sorry – your post got kind of lost in here, but I want to address it…

    The most important thing you wrote was this….He said this is what I am going to get in our relationship.

    This man is TOXIC. He is so toxic. Run. Run away from this man. I usually dont recommend this, but wow, this man is offering you NOTHING. He is disrespectful to you in almost every way – he puts you down intellectually, and physically. He makes you think its your fault the intimacy needs to be more creative. He doesnt introduce you as his fiance. He doesnt have any other friends. He is rude to you and cuts you down.

    I’m sorry…..WHAT IN THE WORLD do you see in this man? He may be cute and great in bed…..but those are a dime a dozen – go to the bar and you will find a bunch of guys like that tonight.

    Please please run the other way. This guy is horrible……

    You are being treated this way because you are allowing it – please please stop. No one deserves this.

    Thats my two cents.

    Break up. Give the ring back. No contact. And move on.

  268.  #268BeLoved on April 6, 2013 at 8:54 am


    Elsie I soooo need to learn how to better ask for help!!

    I got angry with C at work for something and ended up being b!tchy and in a short-lived power struggle that neither one of us enjoyed because I couldn’t communicate what I was feeling or needed and didn’t feel heard or considered and I keep wondering…HOW does K, our other co-worker, manage to get along with him so well?

    So two days ago I hear her talking to him in the other office, and she says, “Can I get you to help me with something?”
    He says, “Whatcha got?”
    then she just started talking really soft and not really asking for anything specific and I couldn’t hear the whole conversation but the gist of it was she just wanted some company while she took a break in the breakroom.

    I wonder if it’s hard for me to do this with him because we are so attracted to each other and they aren’t.

    I’m going to be working with him for at least another year most likely and I would just like to find some kind of middle ground where I feel comfortable and at ease with him.

    Writing this out I can see more clearly now I need to dive in and inquire within about this power struggle.
    Asking for and feeling worthy of help has been so difficult for me – a huge factor in my baby’s death was my inability, literal INABILITY, to ask for help. I literally could not, the way deaf people cannot hear – I had no concept of such a thing.

    Acknowledging that – I burst into tears just now – all I ever knew was abuse and punishment heaped on abuse and punishment at every turn. Much much much love and compassion to younger me…I’m holding you know, lovelovelovelovelove.

    I have some other financial priorities this week but I may be able to swing the Queen’s Code.

  269.  #269Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 9:02 am

    @Beloved – I’m so sorry about your baby. There is a saying by Maya Angelou that says – “When you know better, you do better.” Basically, you can only do as good as you can. Dont look to the past because we ALL could have done something differently/better/whatever. Its painful to scrutinize and critique ourselves. Its good if you find a way to become a better person, which I believe you have through this. That is the gift that your baby gave you. Cherish that, and know that you will be with your baby again (I believe that.) I had a miscarriage and I truly believe that was a baby and that I will someday meet him/her.

    Ok – this woman at your work sounds like she KNOWS the Queens Code. The number one thing you ask a guy is “can you help me with something” or a variation of that, and almost every guy in the world will say “Yes what….” because they are programmed at a deep level to PROVIDE for women. Its in their DNA. 🙂

    So, just realize that all men have a reason for what they do (you may not like their reason but they have a reason…) So you just always say….

    “Can you please help me with something? I know you have a good reason for everyhting you do….and I’m trying to understand, so maybe you can help me…..I feel confused about….xxxx” etc.

    Also, there is a great book called “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs….its fantastic.

    I KNEW the guy I”m dating was a good catch when 6 months into our realtionship I asked him to read this book and he did. Now, I am extremely religious, and he is extremely atheist LOL….and he read this book, which is Christian based…..but it is fantastic and he even said so. He came away with a lot from it….so I’m just saying that because he is an atheist and still liked it. 🙂

    I think those will help you. The book you might be able to find at the library….

    My only other suggestion is that as soon as you are more comfortable and at ease with YOURSELF, then you will be more comfortable and at ease with him.

  270.  #270ALA on April 6, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Happy Birthday, Femininewoman!!

    Hope this day and the coming year bring you many blessings!

  271.  #271k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Elsie 264_”You MUST approach this with love and respect.” so true Elsie. I like your post and advice to prplprsn28. Excellent. I am on the desktop now, about to do some work so I can get off later and get ready to go to the park. Good morning all. I am not getting the posts sent to my phone. I dont know whats happening. I can recall seeing someone write the same thing either yesterday or the day before saying that the posts from here are not being delivered to their inbox. Whats happening?

  272.  #272Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 9:30 am

    @K2012 –

    The book “Love and Respect” talks about how a man’s fundamental need is for respect, not love. And a woman’s fundamental need is for love, not respect. While both are important, one is a fundamental need. Its a fantastic book.

  273.  #273ALA on April 6, 2013 at 9:41 am

    I just signed up for a meetup tomorrow for a medical intuitive workshop. It’s mostly women attending, but should be fun and informative.

    My date yesterday went swell. Perhaps I was feeling a bit wobbly on my boundaries in anticipation. It really wasn’t even an issue. He wasn’t pushy at all. Just a little hug at the end. He is nice and I could hold my own with the conversation… when I could get a word in. He talks a lot! I felt exhausted afterwards. He’s just practice for all my issues, trust, opening up, boundaries… healing. Wow, it feels so healing to get out there again. D isn’t really on my horse, he’s off somewhere in the distance… in the dust.

  274.  #274Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 9:42 am

    @ALA – I’m glad you had a good date – and that D is in the dust. 🙂

  275.  #275ALA on April 6, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Thanks, Elsie! 🙂

  276.  #276k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 9:51 am

    I have a question. My favourite newsletter about chasing triggered this question for the very first time since reading it and I am wondering if anyone knows how Rori feels about this. The question is: How does Rori feel about women who make the first move? I would really love to get the answer to this? Since as she recommends that we should not chase a man, would u say then that women should not make the first move, since that would look like chasing? This question flashed across my mind when I woke up this morning. Of course what Rori recommends in the chasing letter is really what should happen traditionally-men make all the moves-call first, text first etc.. But because times have changed and women get more liberal, many women make the first move sometimes with good results. but of course you cant over do it like men, in other words you dont want to be so aggressive. I made a move on a man some years ago who I was very attracted to and who was attracted to me. It didnt reach relationship stage though. It was the first time in my life I was ever doing that. I dont regret it. Dont know if I would do it again though,especially in light of the REVELATION I received in the newsletter about chasing, many of which I all told u I was doing with disappearing ex. So with that in mind, I wont make the first move again. But the question which I definitely need answers for and would really like to know is:

    How does Rori feel about women who make the first move?

  277.  #277Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 10:00 am

    I dont think Rori approves of EVER making the first move…..and I agree with her. Thats my opinion.

    You can flirt and invite…..but you cant ask out, you cant call, etc. You cant DO….you have to RECEIVE. You can be warm and open and invite with your words and your actions…..but set down the oars….its not your job to ever row the boat.

  278.  #278seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Happy Birthday Feminine Woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Many blessings to you and yours!!!

  279.  #279seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 10:11 am


    I spent 20 years married to a man like that. As I read what Rori and Elsie have wrote, I agree. Please love yourself first and drop all feelings of questioning what your inner voice and body is telling you. Listen to what your body is saying. Be gentle and loving with you. Looking forward to seeing you here.

  280.  #280seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Seahorse………….. go and buy Toxic Men program!!! Move it darlin!!!! Thank you seahorse 🙂

  281.  #281seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 10:15 am

    ALA- I’m smiling so big reading you!!!!! Thank you! You are so rocking that!!

    Elsie- You sound so strong. Got it goin on!!! Go Elsie!

  282.  #282Liquid Light on April 6, 2013 at 10:18 am

    @ALA So glad that your date went well. Was this phd guy? Cool that you held your own! Yay!

    Re. him talking so much, maybe he was just trying to impress you?

  283.  #283seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Beloved- I feel you so much right now. Like a melting inside for the pain. Just like it melts away all the pain because its there in your words and and then there is Beloved sitting in the middle with a glowing shiny all around you. The pain is dripping away and there you are. Just all you. I don’t like for us to be in pain. Thats where the growth is though. I’m sorry. Your beautiful and so is your pain lovely Beloved. A gentle wrapping of arms around you with kindness and warmth and ……. and I think, no I feel joy also for you. Peace to Beloved

  284.  #284Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 10:37 am

    @seahorse – it is always easy to be strong when you are outside looking in. With my own life, I am not as strong as I would like to be….I”m learning. 🙂

  285.  #285seahorse on April 6, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Hahahahahaha!!! Yep Elsie you nailed it, it’s wonderful “reading” you.
    I’m feeling my own way with baby steps. I have decided to become an active participant in life again. I watched for long while and I can feel the life inside stretching and coming up for the sunshine.

    So I thought that a good way to start my cding would be to come up with a list of what I want and need in a man, and the ‘no-way-in-a-million-years-would-I-go-there-again’ list.Hahahhahaha! Made myself laugh. I shall start my research by oogling. I think I shall call it ‘observing the male in his natural habitat’. I want to enjoy this part of me that has been dormant for so long. I’m blushing and laughing!!!!!! Tallyho lovely Sirens!!!! I seize the day with laughter and a blushing face!!! Have a rockin super day!

  286.  #286Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Sirens, I need a quick advice;) NewCD just texted me saying he is looking forward to seeing me tonight and asking if he should pick me up at my building or I prefer to meet someplace else.

    It doesn’t feel quite right to tell him that I prefer to make plans over the phone.. I don’t know.

  287.  #287Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I can respond to his text and then tell him when I see him that I prefer to make plans over the phone. And after that only accept plans over the phone. Or should I insist on a phone conversation now?

  288.  #288k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Elsie, what about if you tell the man that you like him? U not going to invite him out u know. But tell him that you have feelings for him or u like him? Is that okay? I would like to know. Or is that chasing?

  289.  #289Liquid Light on April 6, 2013 at 11:34 am

    @memulo Don’t sweat it, I would just text him back. Tell him you will meet him there. (At least that’s what I would do with someone I don’t know very well.)

  290.  #290Daria on April 6, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Happy Birthday FeminineWoman 🙂

  291.  #291April Rose on April 6, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Happy Birthday FW.
    I hope you’re out somewhere being spoiled rotten 🙂

  292.  #292Heart on April 6, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Happy Birthday FW *’▽’*

  293.  #293Heart on April 6, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    #286 Memulo – I would encourage to say nothing about it at this point. Remember what u old me about having conversations like this over the internet? Just have fun & prsctice choosing trust for now. If it bothers u again then mention it in person. But if it was me I would first try to understand how I truly feel about it…and why I need him to do things my way…Explore the feelings some more…

  294.  #294Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Thank you LL and Heart! I replied that ‘It will feel nice to be picked up at my building;) My address is XX. I will see you in the lobby’ He said fantastic and he will see me there.

    Heart I bit a bullet with these successful powerful guys. The moment you show weakness you are out. Personally I don’t need things to be my way AT ALL. And I paid for it big time with dumbcd. Accepting short notice dates, plans over text, etc. – all because I thought his life was so tough, he was a suffering hero. It didn’t matter how many times he told me that I am beautiful, paraded me in front of his acquaintances, told me that I am a real deal, told me all the time that I am so smart, so deeply kind and nice, honest, such a decent person, etc. etc. He told me that no one ever treated him the way I did over and over again, and I didn’t even think I was doing anything special for him. All this didn’t stop him from lying and cheating and disappearing;)

    My takeaway is that they would try to break your boundaries, even if you don’t notice it and you better keep an eye on what is happening. Since I am not the person to sweat over small stuff I have to push myself to NOTICE and register if I am not treated the best possible way.

  295.  #295Heart on April 6, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Memulo – did he ever tell you he was in love with you?

  296.  #296Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    No Heart. There were a few times looking in my eyes and saying I really really like you. There were ‘I can’t get enough of your voice’, ‘I want to give you this’, ‘I want to give you that’, there were numerous ‘I need you’. he is not very affectionate in general, but he sometimes touched my face out of deep tenderness in public even, looking in my eyes. I don’t know!

  297.  #297BeLoved on April 6, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    seahorse – your posts make me feel squee inside and like i’m being tickled inside and out by a million champagne bubbles and fluffy downy feathers all at once. It feels so good to come across someone else who speaks my language 😀

  298.  #298Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    @Memulo – I still read your posts and my first thoughts are always – wow, that girl is so defensive. Your posture is one where you are almost daring men to even try to hurt you or cross a line so you can show how strong you are. I think guys are just guys and most of them text nowdays. If its that important to you – just tell him tonight. 🙂

    @k2012 – I would never tell a guy that I like him first. Thats just me. I would be flirty, and totally open, and let him know that I’m a smiling willing participant in whatever he wants to say to me. I would prepare room in my heart and space emoitonally, but I would never say Hey, I like you first.

    If you put an animal in front of them that is just curled up and dead….where is the chase? Men love the chase….you have to give them something to fight for…..or else, they wont.

  299.  #299Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Memulo – rather than worry about that (the nature of making plans), why don’t you just answer his question? Does it make you feel uncomfortable if he picks you up at his house? If so, then tell him you’d like to meet somewhere else (but let him decide where). You might prefer to make plans over the phone, but I’m wondering – it sounds like you made plans already, and he is just following up. It sounds like he’s doing a great job of respecting your preferences. Maybe just go with it, and when you meet him in person, you can tell him that you like to make plans over the phone and why.

    What do you think?

  300.  #300Olivia on April 6, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    I see some of my girlfriends struggling wtih their men and it makes me so sad. I told them about Rori but they don’t see…. My story there is: I DO know better and I know how to fix your situation! Sigh.

    It’s the 4 mo. anniversary of starting the tools with my BF of 9 months. I am feeling so juicy and frolicky and cute and good and strong inside. He is constantly leaning in now and talking about babies (yay!) and love (yay!) and it’s *awesome*

  301.  #301Indigo on April 6, 2013 at 3:05 pm


    I would never tell a guy that I liked him unless he asked, and even then I’d probably smile warmly and nod, mainly because the words “I like you” feel like they have no femininity, no juice or delicious feel to them. They sound, for want of a better word, a bit “cold” or “clinical” to me.

    I would let subtle and non-leaning forward actions communicate that I liked him – such as smiling warmly into his eyes, laughing delightedly at his jokes, taking an interest in what he has to say, maybe flicking my hair (and even batting my eyelashes – yes I have used this to great effect! 🙂 ) – all communicate this perfectly well without you having to say it.

  302.  #302k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    “you have to give them something to fight for…..or else, they wont.” You got it Elsie, you are so right. I once told a guy (I think I mentioned it already) that I liked him, that is the guy I made the first move on. I didn’t regret doing it at all as I said. In fact, I didn’t know I could be so brave. I will never do it again. Nope. Let them do the chasing. I will flirt and smile and make eye contact to show I am interested(did that with the same guy too) but I won’t tell another man I like him first again. The thing is even before I read Rori’s chasing letter, I said I wouldn’t tell another man I like him. But when I decided that, little did I know that all the stuff I was doing with disappearing ex was chasing.

  303.  #303k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    “He makes condescending comments towards me when he is grouchy.

    He gets upset when I don’t predict the outcome of something.” Katherine, Run to the nearest exit away from this man. He is not good for u. He is definitely toxic. Happy Birthday, FW. All the best to u.

  304.  #304k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    I don’t see my posts. Nothing is going back to my inbox. What’s happening? Well I have been at the park about 2 hours now. There was ba concert going on. Its absolutely cool here. I met a young lady who I striked up a conversation with. Haven’t met any guys yet though.

  305.  #305Zia on April 6, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Hope this weekend is finding everyone well. I had two matches from speed dating, and have a few guys on my online dating sites who I am chatting to.

    I can’t believe what a difference having no expectations makes to my attitude, and my ability to just enjoy speaking to guys. It’s really nice to be open to anything! As a single mum and running my own business as well as working part time it’s hard to get out and meet people, but I want to make an effort of just one date per week and see what happens.

    Love to you all!

  306.  #306Liquid Light on April 6, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    @zia what is speed dating like?

  307.  #307BeLoved on April 6, 2013 at 6:00 pm


    Reading the Queen’s Code now and in chap 2 it is already hitting home like crazy.

    Feeling angry with C last week was because we were in the middle of a game of dominoes where I felt relaxed and connected, having a great time, and totally kicking his a$$, I had just set him up so perfectly and pulled a 50-point lead when he saw his phone ring, said, “I’m going to take this phone call” and abruptly walked out.

    I don’t know WHO it was, and suspect it was is gf because he usually tells me if he’s making a deal or it’s his son or mom or sister or friend or whoever…but then again, maybe not. And the thoughts of “you don’t have a right to feel this” and “it doesn’t make any sense to feel this” then I made up a story about how disrespected I felt, which of course he didn’t want to hear about
    Okay, will keep reading, maybe I’ll learn something new here… 🙂

  308.  #308Olivia on April 6, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    feeling guilty…feeling desire to hug the part of myself that feels guilty..but lazy and not to change it

    feel like i am a crazy pollyanna on this blog always saying good things, how great everything is going…

    but i get plagued by doubts and fears too…

    feeling jealous about bf’s interaction with an ex gf (who I am not threatened by…just annoyed by her) and it feels GOOD to feel jealous – feels like feeling alive

  309.  #309Elsie on April 6, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    @BeLoved – I’m confused….if he has a girlfriend, then what are you doing playing dominos with him and having expectations of a relaitonship with him? Maybe I missed something. I”m sorry if I did….I”m just confused?

    I’m so glad you like the queens code – its awesome!!

  310.  #310Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    I had a dream last night involving DancingCD. I wouldn’t say it was “about” him, but he was in it, and it was pleasant. He had his shirt off and was hugging me. It was sweet 🙂

    I almost felt like telling him, but I didn’t. That would just be me wanting attention. It just doesn’t happen that often that a guy makes me feel good.

    But I realized something. It’s harder for me to open up to him than it is to some other people. When he said he “didn’t really know me yet,” that really stuck with me. Because its true. Not because of him. But because I probably haven’t shown him “me” yet. But actually, now that I think of it, I feel kind of safe that way. Like as long as he doesn’t really know me, I’m okay.

    But also, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In a way, I feel grateful that he hasn’t tried to “get to know me” all at once. It feels good and safe that I can open up slowly, as I want to. And that’s a good thing. I actually appreciate that. He doesn’t have to totally “know me” right now. He knows what he needs to know : )

    But what’s kind of amazing to me is that, on our first date, I told him, openly, that I didn’t have my own place to live. The places we’ve hooked up have been my friend’s houses (when no one else was there). And he seems to be okay with that. I’m not going to argue.

    I’m okay with how things are. I hope he didn’t feel like I was pushing him last week for more. I don’t want to. That’s why I’m giving him space, and I feel good with that, too. It feels gentle. Like nothing needs to happen fast. Sometimes fast is too much and overwhelming.

    Slow is good…

  311.  #311Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    I had another “date” with the woman scheduled for this evening. I actually called it off, though, because of my period. I told her, and how I was feeling super low-energy. She totally understood. Which was nice. It was not stressful at all.

    I’ve been spending the day vegging and relaxing. It’s been very therapeutic. Just what the “heart doctor” ordered… ; )

  312.  #312Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Fw, I might be late, but happy birthday!!


    I feel curious about the Queen’s Code now. I think I’d like to check it out when I have $20 extra to spend, or whatever it is.

    I was in a book store the other day, and I so wanted to get at least three new books. But I knew that I couldn’t spend my last remaining dollars on books. And yet I would. That’s the kind of person I am, I guess. I love books so much that I would spend all my money on them and I would love those books with all my heart. But I didn’t. Because I also knew that I would regret not having that money later on. Score one for the reasonable side, I guess. FBOFW

    My intention is to get to the place where these aren’t the kinds of decisions I’ll have to be making – food vs. books vs. transportation, etc. The only decision I’ll have to make is, do I really want this thing? And the price tag won’t matter. All that will matter is my desire, and the money and resources will be there, because I will have made sure that that’s the case. Thank you me, for making sure that that’s the case. It is already done…I just have to get there ; ) staying on my path…Thank you, me.

  313.  #313Syrena on April 6, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Happy Birthday FW.

    239: Rori Raye

    “Katherine, Welcome, and thank you for this – I know we’ll all help you with this…and NO relationship is perfect or ticks all the boxes. YOU have to decide if you’re happier WITH him or WITHOUT him, and if he’s at all capable of responding to you when you speak to him with Feeling Messages and use Scripts with classic Assertiveness Training Tools – like agreeing with him about the wrinkles, etc…and see if he can grow up in your presence. When you take the Quiz in Toxic Men – that will help you, too. Love, Rori”

    I get and understand that no relationship is perfect and ticks all the boxes.
    I get that by expressing feeling messages using scripts and assertiveness tools we then get to see if he is capable of growing up in our presence.
    What I do not get is agreeing with him about the wrinkles.
    I get that we can agree we have wrinkles. Is that what you mean? Or do you mean we agree that if we have wrinkles that we agree we will need cosmetic surgery?

    That makes me feel very uneasy that if a man said that about any part of me. What will he be saying next? oh your boobs are drooping you will need a boob lift soon> Oh your tummy is saggy now you have had children , you need a tummy tuck now. A bum lift, face lift.
    This would make me feel very uncomfortable.
    This sounds like a down wood spiral of needing to not grow old together and still love and fancy each other without having to resort to costly dangerous surgery in the name of superficial vanity and that I can only be loved and fancied if I stay the same or have surgery to stop normal growing old together.
    We hear of women doing this and it becoming addictive and them being very unhappy because they judge their worth on their outer shell and looks.

    I personally would not be able to be with a man who wanted me to have cosmetic surgery.


    What do you think Katherine? Rori? Anyone?

  314.  #314k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    It was really wonderful at the park, cool and nice. Didn’t meet any guys though. A young lady was sitting right beside me on the same bench and we started chatting. The concert held was in aid of the autistic Association. So we started talking about autism. When I leaving, I was thinking that in the same way that I could meet a female like myself and we chatted and had good conversation, its the same way that I could meet a man same place. Wondering where next to go now. Will have to look at a list of places a follow poster told me. If I go back to online dating, it will be used to supplement my face to face dating/interactions. And it certainly WILL NOT be long distance. After all that I have been through with long distance, I will not be doing that at this time. I am staying far from that. The man has to be RIGHT HERE IN MY COUNTRY.

  315.  #315k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Where are u all tonight? Gone out on dates? I am still not getting mail from the site delivered to my inbox. I have to refresh. I think I might go on a christian dating site and see if I see anyone from my country and say hi. Searching for a good man is a piece of work. I might go to a conference thisd August.

  316.  #316Vi on April 6, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    Happy Birthday, FeminineWoman!

  317.  #317Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Hi K012!

    I’m here…I called off my date(s), as I said, and I’m having a lovely, relaxing evening in.

    I’m hoping that my clearing my dates this weekend doesn’t mean that I’m getting to focused on dancingCD. He’s cute and really great in a lot of ways that i appreciate. But I want to keep it light and natural. And I wonder if I’ve been “rowing the boat” in subtle ways.

    But, hands off right now. And hey, I had a great time flirting with the guy at the check-out counter today – he was super cute! Plus checking out other guys. And who knows, maybe this woman has a crush on me. That would be super interesting…so basically, not shutting down all my options yet. Just having some much-needed “me” time.

    In fact, I think I’m going to go watch some of modern siren : ) …

  318.  #318k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.” Rori.

    Wow, I had no idea. My goodness. So how do we behave then? I am confused. But arent we suppose to at least show we are interested in them for them to want to take things to the next level?

    Hi Tereana, how are u? ok, you are here. sounds like you have an interesting life. I havent been on a date since my breakup nine months ago.

  319.  #319k2012 on April 6, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    I am doing work in in between talking on here. I am bored. I really need a new boyfriend. I am starting to get miserable. My sister and I live together. I find that when her guy is visiting, i get lonely. I am not desperate for love but I feel a bit left out. I am not saying that she makes me feel that way. Far from it. But because I am single at this time and not meeting anyone, I feel lonely when her guy is here. Does anyone have any advice for me? Tereana? and other ladies when u see my e-mail. I went to the park this evening. I am just tired of failed relationships, i am sick of it. Before I go to my bed, I will read a chapter or two on Victoria Clark”s book<"Its Never too late to marry". That's why anybody ever ask me "how come you are not married" when i snap at them, they are going to be sorry they ever asked me. some people just dont know what to ask and what to say. You dont ask people those questions. I am not feeling so great where my lovelife/dating is concerned. I cant find any dates.

  320.  #320Zia on April 6, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    @liquid light: it is a lot of fun, if you have the right mindset! go in and expect nothing, be surprised! it’s a great way to just use the tools (lean back, open heart, see who takes the lead) with a lot of people in one night. i only spoke to two guys who made me feel uncomfortable, the rest were really pleasant and i had a great time. it’s great because if the “date” isn’t going well it’s only 6 minutes and you’ll have someone new to start again with. and it felt really nice to meet the other single ladies. i would definitely go again!

  321.  #321Veronica on April 6, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    Happy Birthday FW!

  322.  #322prplpsn28 on April 6, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Just wondering…why does it happen that there is sometimes no communication between me and my boyfriend? Sometimes for a couple days? We were texting earlier cuz I needed directions from him. I spent the day with my daughter and he was with his daughter at her volleyball tournament. Now tonight I haven’t heard from him at all. He hasn’t even bothered to find out if I made it to where I was going. We are not supposed to be the initiators. How do I handle this? My first instinct is to get mad and say “what the heck” “why don’t I hear from you”. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

    In response to Elsie….I appreciate your feedback. I’m assuming that we are committed. Maybe wrong. Neither one of us has been seeing anyone else for the last 18 months but we’ve have never actually had a discussion about being committed. I’ve been frustrated about certain things lately, hence why I sought out Rori. I’ve had someone tell me that they believe that in his head he believes that we are committed. Can you be committed without actually having a discussion about it? I have never thought so myself. Any opinions?

  323.  #323Memulo on April 6, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    I just came back from my date. I had a great time! NewCD treats me so well, he is courting me in the best possible way. He takes care of every little detail making sure that I feel comfortable. Our conversation is great. We have similar tastes in pretty much everything. It’s easy!

    Interesting thing – I asked who his favorite girl is from ‘sex and the city’. He said no one. He said he likes all of them, but he would not date any of them. Because none of these girls has their act together and makes choices that he can relate to. I’ve never heard this point of view before.

    I only thought about dumbcd a couple of times. And on my way to the date of course ;(

  324.  #324Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    Mm, the modern siren video was good. I feel calm. I feel peaceful.

    And I noticed today that, even though I had some intense thoughts about SYG yesterday, they were gone today. And when I thought about that, and thought about him, there was no charge to it.

    So that must mean that there must have been some aspect of that event that I hadn’t “processed” yet. And I can only guess that my subconscious “processed” it while I slept, and now it’s done! Or I guess so. I didn’t really do anything special.

    But sleeping is great : ) bodies are great. It’s so cool how we can move things through ourselves, and nothing is really static. I’m learning all the time….

  325.  #325Tereana on April 6, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    Hi k2012! I suppose I do have an interesting life. If by “interesting life” you mean that I get to go on a fair amount of dates. (my life is interesting in other ways, too… ; )

    And I am sure that your life is very interesting also! Or, if it’s not, then the one thing that I would suggest would be to find something that interests you and do it. Men are attracted to women who love their lives. So if you are feeling down about your life or situation in any way, then that could possibly be a turn-off. I honestly don’t know you well enough to say. But i can definitely say that doing something (a hobby or activity that you love) is a huge turn-on for a guy.

    And my caveat is that we’re not really supposed to give “advice” here on the blog. I don’t really feel qualified to give advice. But you did ask…

    And just because I’ve been on dates doesn’t really make me special. In my case, it’s sort of like the “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” thing, except it’s “always a good date, never a relationship” kind of thing. Well, never say never. One of these days, it will get to be a relationship with someone. I feel sure of that, even if I despair sometimes myself.

    And I would bet that one day, you will be so totally happy that you will forget you ever felt this way right now : )

  326.  #326Femininewoman on April 7, 2013 at 3:11 am

    Thanks fpr the birthday wishes ladies.

  327.  #327Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 4:42 am

    @prplprsn – I think that you can have a committed relationship without those words exactly coming out of a persons mouth. LOL. For example, my guy and I have a running joke .. can I kiss boys in bars? His answer for a long time was….I cant stop you from doing what you are going to do. A few weeks ago, we were having an emotionally intense talk….at the end I laughed and said “can I kiss boys in bars now?” He looked right at me and said, no. you cant kiss any boys in any bars. So – that was our way of saying that we were committed. Thats my opinion…..

    I think if he isnt giving you what you need then you need to move on. I think you can have the conversation with him with NO EXPECTATIONS (Dominique is wonderful about this – read her blog) and then find out where he is at with everything….and then make a decision.

    This man isnt good or bad….he is just doing what he is doing. Its up to you to figure out whether that is enough for you. You cant manipulate a guy to do something he doesnt want to do – not even with siren language. Siren language guides them and helps the relationship – but its not manipulating and it cant get a guy to do what he really doesnt want to do – I think thats really important to remember.

    @Memulo – it sounds like your date went awesome. Did you tell him about talking on the phone for plans in the future??? 🙂

    @Tereana – It sounds like you had a very nice relaxing night at home 🙂

    @k2012 – Rori says….The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.” Rori.

    Ok – I think that obviously at SOME POINT you have to let a guy know you are into him or else he will think you are not and move on LOL. I think her point is that you dont want to do that too soon. You dont want to be talking about babies and drapes for your new house on your 3rd date. LOL.

    In my case, my guy knows that I’m so in love with him. In fact just last week when he told me he loved me, and I said I love you back….he just looked at me so sweet and held my face and said “I know….I know you love me” and I could tell that my love just filled him up and he just KNEW how much I cared for him. Now, we have been dating over a year, so, that obviously makes a difference.

    Wow. Just thinking of that overwhelmed me so much I had to actually stop writing. I sat just thinking of all the times that he looks at me and how he looks at me. Wow. I havent felt anything like that in so long. I need to remember to remember these feelings and memories when I get needy and insecure and need inappropriate amounts of reassurance. 🙂

  328.  #328Memulo on April 7, 2013 at 5:24 am

    FW, how was your day? What did you do?

    Elsie, I did not tell him anything;) He was so extremely chivalrous that I completely forgot about it.

  329.  #329Luzydel on April 7, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Rori says….The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.” Rori.

    That doesn’t make sense… but a man likes to know a woman is attracted to him, just don’t give all of your attention to him. Take time for yourself etc.
    Pretending you’re not interested in a man, to keep him interested in you seems like game playing. Not authentic at all…

  330.  #330Indigo on April 7, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Rori says….”The moment a man ‘gets’ (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re ‘into him’, he loses attraction for us.”

    I think so much of what Rori says has to be seen in its proper context, because taken out of context I think it can seem like she is advising us to do very strange things.

    For me, this is about not giving a man the impression that you love him more than you love yourself, and about not being too into him or too hung up on him until your relationship is on pretty solid ground.

  331.  #331Indigo on April 7, 2013 at 6:38 am

    By the way, I am totally in favour of letting a man know just how much you care, when he has already expressed his love for you. I think the more authentic, and true to yourself you are with this, the better. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to do it *before* he’s expressed his feelings for you because, as Rori says, it can be a relationship killer.

  332.  #332Indigo on April 7, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Elsie 327

    Regarding being in a committed relationship without saying the specific words, I really get what you are saying.

    Here in South Africa, it is assumed that if you have gone on a few dates with someone and you keep going out with them, that you are entering an exclusive relationship. The other person would be highly upset if they had learned you had gone out with or kissed someone else. It is kind of taken for granted here.

    It was a real revelation to me that couples in the USA had to have “the exclusivity talk” before they could assume they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

    Here in South Africa I would say casual relationships and friends-with-benefits situations are rare.

  333.  #333Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 6:51 am

    @Indigo – 331, 332 – exactly Rori’s points. I think you said it perfectly.

    I think that you just need to make SURE you are on the same page in the U.S. Frankly, I think in the U.S. women are more eager to commit and be exclusive sooner, and men are more eager to play the field, so its just a way to make sure everyone is on the same page.

    I’m sure it is a cultural thing for sure!!!

  334.  #334prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Thanks for feedback. This morning I’m feeling hurt, frustrated, doubful. Haven’t had the chance yet to really use any of the tools yet but wondering after 18 months is it worth it? Is there the possibility that things could change? I have very strong feelings for him and he has shown me in many ways that he cares but maybe it’s time to just walk away. Idk. Deap in my heart there’s just something about him I don’t want to lose. But I’m tired of feeling this way.

  335.  #335Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 7:06 am

    @prplpsn28 – I dont think you can answer any of these questions without visiting with him (I like that word better than “talk” … “talk” sounds like you are in trouble haha!)

    Just ask him for his help. Ask him to help you understand. Seek to understand and then be understood is a famous saying.

    Tell him you feel doubtful, disconnected, and frustrated. Tell him that you feel very strongly for him and that you feel he cares but that right now things feel challenging and difficult and disconnected. Ask him for his help to find a solution.

    Either he helps you find an answer, or he doesnt.

    And that will be your answer as to whether or not to stay with him.

    Marinating in this worry without any answers wont help you.

  336.  #336Indigo on April 7, 2013 at 7:13 am


    Rori and Elsie have hit the nail on the head with their advice.

    If you have committed your heart to someone whom you only see every second weekend, I would think that is a very hard situation to be in, and if it is hurting you, I wouldn’t stay there. Have the conversation with him like Elsie suggests, and see if he is willing to step up.

    However, if you are able to “just date” this guy and receive what he is willing to offer you, when he is willing to offer it to you, then I would say you can still have him in your life, but then you need to start going on dates with other guys, finding interests and hobbies and filling up your life with fabulous things so you aren’t sitting around WAITING for him.

  337.  #337Dominique on April 7, 2013 at 8:02 am

    Syrena – 313 – Yes this bothered me as well. If someone I had nothing invested in emotionally said this to me, I might agree and then likely not see him again. If my husband said this, I would raise an eyebrow so high it would get lost in my hairline. And the would say something like – Wow that felt really awful.

    I would hope in any good relationship as it is in mine, he will love you no matter what happens to you physically. He may or may not notice your body changes, yet he will still see his woman, the woman he adores, and this woman looks sexy and beautiful to him always.


  338.  #338Dominique on April 7, 2013 at 8:11 am

    prplpsn28 – 322 – Yes you can very easily be in a committed relationship and not have a discussion about it. K and I never had one. It was understood, and there was no doubt about our commitment to each other. Many years later it came up now and then in passing, saying what I just wrote, that it was understood. It was very clear we were with and for each other only.

    As for your man not contacting you for a couple of days, this is not necessarily cause for concern. Men operate in what I like to call boy time which doesn’t look anything like our time, we as women. A day to us will feel like a moment to a man. This article may help you.



  339.  #339seahorse on April 7, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Morning lovely Sirens,

    Gratefulness practiced all the time is feeling like I’m lighter………. ummmmmm, different and in a good way, smiley and open, like I ate happy pills and like a kite flying high and free. Very contagious also. I could feel my daughter responding with openness and more giggling between us.

    Yesterday was very interesting. A melange of feelings that were in their intensity almost overwhelming a few times. Watching men……..hahahha! The are beautiful in their differences. So many colors and sizes:) Happy and sad ones, tall and short, and just goes on and on. Just beautiful. I never really thought of a man as beautiful before. Handsome, for sure,but beautiful…..nope. I appreciated them in a whole new light. Thank you men.

    And the whole everybody else I saw yesterday. Babies toddlers mommys daddys grandmas grandpas teenagers and everybody. We made a day and evening of it and stayed and had a bonfire. Giant marshmellows!!!!!! Best ever! My daughter and I snuggled up on our blanket watching the stars and laughing and talking about random stuff. nothing heavy, just sweet nothings. I told my daughter thank you and she what for? I said for picking me to be your mommy. Big tackle hug and she said she was so happy she picked me too. That moment was so sweet you couldn’t ever find a chocolate or a candy sweeter than that. Thank you for my daughter, thank you for my life thank you for everything.

    Blessings to all, the day is here and I go to it with a light heart, may you all do the same, See ya tomorrow

  340.  #340Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Seahorse, you are marvelously inspiring! Even your words are light and magical

  341.  #341Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I actually broke out of my rut and went out on Friday night to a mixer of sorts.
    I pulled myself out of the crowd of women I would have politely attached myself to and I ventured to the bar here the men were. I stood with my back to it, did my Rori Raye dance position and men were hovering over me, waiting their turn to talk o me! I even was able to say, “I really feel good speaking with you and I feel happy we met, but I would like to speak with and meet other men now”
    And guess what? Thy said ok and asked for my number and walked away!

    One guy was a bit drunk and self absorbed. I decided, lets see who he is. I said, “my feet hurt from standing” but my chair was turned around towards the bar. I stepped back and asked/motioned politely could he turn it or me. He did! Then he made an excuse to get another drink and ran away!

  342.  #342JO-jo on April 7, 2013 at 9:01 am

    hi sirens 🙂
    Want to thank everyone for there advice the other day. You all were wonderful and helped me stay strong. I’ve been reading as much of the blogs as I can. Its been emotional week and weekend I been trying to process all my feelings and emotioons. CJ” has still been trying to contact me. I wrote the goodbye letter and he asked me what he could do to change my mind about leaving for good. I also asked him why and how contacting women online made him feel what he got out of it. Pretty much he couldn’t dig deep enough to give a answer of how it felt. He deleted that account to “prove” he wants only me. But just as he deleted it he went and opened a new account on POF.com. wow so lame. He is just so done in my eyes. He is not ready for relationship like all you ladies said. He then asked me to go to marriage counseling with him because he does not want to lose me! Hmmmm in my eyes you had a second chance but you lied again . Wht a ass! I said I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man that lies or cheats. I gave him a chance on Tuesday all I said is its your life if you want to be with and talk to all these women and do what you do that’s fine its your life.” I’m in control of my life and I chose not to be or apart of a man who lies cheats and who also needs internet relations. Idk ladies I lost the love of my life and it hurts so bad. We were so close and idk I feel like we are strangers now its going to hurt for a long time and it totally sucks. Its even harder when he blows up my phone and emails crying he loves me and wants to fix what he messed up. He sends pictures of me and Us of happy times. BTW I deleted all pics from my phone to make it easier for me. He sends pics and messages of himself crying and all kinds stuff. I’m feeling so confused and feeling so damn sad. I know I can’t be with his ass because its just going to happen and liars will always be liars. I’m happy I found out now but I’m also sad and griveing the lost of this chapter of my life I guess u call it. Thanks so much ladies its easy to talk to you about it its nice to have this blog to keep you strong and ask advice your awesome xoxox Jo-jo xoxox

  343.  #343sha-sha on April 7, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Happy Sunday ladies
    Hope your enjoying your weekend
    Spring is finally here yay yay

  344.  #344ALA on April 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

    ((( JO-jo )))

  345.  #345Indigo on April 7, 2013 at 9:34 am


    In my mind, you dodged a huge bullet there. Perhaps gratitude for the heartache you saved yourself will help you in the coming weeks and months.

  346.  #346ALA on April 7, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I feel a little nervous going to the workshop today even though its mostly women. Could be excitement too? Pre-Rori I would let my NV’s tell me all sorts of stories how I’m not good enough, etc. and maybe even talk myself out of going. I think my nervous excitement is just reminding me that I’m alive! This is so good! 🙂

  347.  #347Veronica on April 7, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Memulo – It’s so good to hear that you had a good time on your date.

    Seahorse – Oh gosh I so enjoy reading what you write!

    Dominique – Thank you for the article.

    Linda G – how awesome!

    Ooh such anger today – boiling, seething, wounded, warrior anger. It was full of this militant ‘I will say what I want and don’t want’ – this is how I carve new territory for how I am living. And then weak ghostly feelings of shame. And then, compassion for the little me who got hit for saying how she felt, what she wanted and didn’t want. No more hardness necessary, the kindest softness please.

    And then my wounded self hiding saying no I can’t receive, it feels too painful to receive, all I have today is anger. I feel like a fool for receiving love before and then receiving abandonment. I feel like I’m carrying this ‘I can’t receive what you give me. It’s too much for me now’ thing – it’s in my body and it feels obvious to the people around me. “Don’t think too much” my mother says.

    And earlier on at the grocery store I saw this lady who looked so beautiful. Yes lady you wear that beautiful red dress. Splendid! It’s like we all stood back and let her being beautiful take up the space we were in. And then the man who works at the store – I watch him: he listens to what is wanted, he does it for us, he finds the best box for us, he thinks of us. I feel this quiet respect and warm admiration for him…also a kind of joy that is like: here is a man. But my mom just refused his efforts – I wanted to enjoy what he was doing. You do and I’ll be : ) Then I got a chance to be by myself – and I love looking at all the spices they have. I sort of go into a mini trance – touching the packets, handling them, imagining what I would cook, trying to figure out which ones I would buy, how cooking is starting to feel like this ritual of substances and vapours, healthy food and delightful sensuality, of meeting and feeding; but I still don’t know why I’m being drawn to it exactly – something holy about it, maybe. One of the owners of the store walks past behind me and says hello softly – he sees me, I know he sees me. But he doesn’t watch me and so I feel safe.

  348.  #348BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 10:02 am



    He and I are co-workers and play dominoes every day at lunch, as well as walk together with K on break for our health. We have a work relationship. There is a history that I will not get into because since coming to Rori’s blog for advice in July I’ve been learning and learning and that whole dynamic has changed.

    My desire, my perfect ideal way of being treated, is eye contact when getting up from the table and leaving. For him, he probably thinks he was going above and beyond by even saying anything 🙂

    When I think about it, he probably also thought he was being considerate by getting up from the table and leaving because he knows I like undivided attention when we play.

    As for other expectations and the jealousy and whatnot – I learned to accept that there is a part of me that is just plain irrational and isn’t going to be logicked out of anything, so I love and accept it and inquire, riff, feel and write my way through the triggers as they come up. 😀

  349.  #349BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 10:12 am

    And OMCD texted me this morning asking about getting together and it felt good to hear from him!
    I will text him back later today and let him know when I’d like to get together and how I don’t like texting but it’s good to notice that I don’t have to make up a rule about texting, I can just respond when it feels good and not when it doesn’t.

    I feel ripe and full this morning – I dreamed that I was pregnant and just about to deliver. I was telling my friend that it is so cool because I don’t feel huge and pregnant, that I don’t feel all of that ache and heaviness and exhaustion, that I felt like I had a golden light in my belly and I just knew giving birth was going to be so easy because I’ve had babies before who already opened up my body.

    I also realized that a lot of pain and ickness I have been feeling has been a bladder infection/kidney stones (on top of the formerly sluggish digestion, gluten intolerance, gallstone attacks and pancreatitis). I just had so much going on at one time I was overwhelmed by the pain and icky feelings but getting off of gluten and taking apple cider vinegar 3x day was a wonderful start – everything is digesting, I have the herbs I need to deal with everything else and I can feel my body healing and feeling lighter and the inflammation going way way down.

    I learned that if I think about going to meditation at the temple, I suddenly have the motivation to write and write and write instead 🙂 So I’m rolling with it because I meditate several hours a week at home already and I needed the motivation to write.

  350.  #350prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 10:20 am

    @ Dominique
    Thank you for your words and for the article. I’m feeling a bit less frustrated and hurt 🙂

  351.  #351prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Just want to say thank you to everyone on this blog who have read my posts and responded. It feels good to have a safe place to go to for support.

  352.  #352Syrena on April 7, 2013 at 10:58 am

    337: Dominique.

    Thank you for your reply Dominique.

    Yes me too.

  353.  #353Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 11:09 am

    I had a date last night and have another this afternoon. Both men are interesting (more interesting than I initially thought so it is a pleasant surprise.) But neither one of them is very thrilling.

    Plus on my date last night, I kept thinking about my ex and how I was wishing I was on a date with him. And also wondering how I would feel if he walked into the restaurant where we were eating. How sad it would be for me.

    I keep trying to muscle through this and move on but each time, my longing keeps coming up for him. And I don’t know if it would even work for us if we were to get back together. (His constant demands for my time, attention, sex were getting on my nerves. I started taking him for granted, and I think that’s the main reason he broke up with me. But now that I haven’t had him in my life, I realize how much I miss him.)

    If I knew that he had really moved on and didn’t have any feelings for me then I think I could really move on too (and not just muscle through it)

    But I just don’t really know in my heart if he has. When he did reach out to me, I shut him out. After that, he has refused any contact with me.

    I’m not sure what to do. I know I could cross paths with him at the coffee shop but I don’t know if this would make matters worse for me. And make me feel awful if he blows me off, or is with someone else.

    Or if that would give me the closure I need to move on. I need to know if there is nothing left in his heart for me. I felt like he was giving the world to me when we were dating, and because of my inability to appreciate that, he left. Part of me believes that you can’t just change how you feel about someone that quickly and I feel fairly sure that he still does have feelings for me, and part of me wonders if he just made up his mind about me and decided that he wasn’t getting what he wanted and moved on for good. (That’s what happened in my last relationship.) The not knowing is holding me back from moving on.

    What do you ladies think I should do? My heart is twisted up in knots over this. 🙁

  354.  #354Tereana on April 7, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Got a text this a.m. from a cd I haven’t seen in a while. He had a dream about me and he wants to take me out 🙂 teehee!

  355.  #355Tereana on April 7, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Oh dear, LL, why do we twist ourselves up with these thoughts?

    I know at times I have been on a date – or in bed! – with a man, and started remembering how it was with another man, and thinking about him. And the only thing any of that does is make us unavailable in the moment to the men who are right in front of us!

    Look at what you wrote – you have two men asking for your attention. They are “more interesting” than you thought, so that’s good. So what if they’re not “thrilling”? Why dies that have to be part of the criteria? Often the most “thrilling” guys are the worst for us. Chemistry is a terrible guide. And look at Mel (if you were on the blog to see her relationship with A develop.) she wasn’t “thrilled” with him when they met. She didn’t even find him attractive. But he consistently showed up for her and proved to be a perfect partner for her. She practiced the tools and watched it unfold.

    But the tools are all about “being present.” If we are off in our heads (and I’m responding because I know I catch myself doing this, too), thinking about another man, then we are not being present at all. We are checked-out.

    If your ex feels anything for you and wants to contact you, in his own time, he will. Meanwhile, thrilling as I’m sure he was, it ended. Feel what you need to feel about it. But…Now you have two interesting men in front of you. You can concentrate on them : )

    Does that help?

  356.  #356Tereana on April 7, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Btw, I’ve never had this thing happen, where I was working with a guy, and wee were dating, and he broke up with me, and then he’s calling me all the time, and I have a higher rank with him. Rori said it was something “we’ve all” faced. We could all, potentially, face this. But I certainly have not faced this precise situation ; )…

  357.  #357Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Oh, and one more tid-bit, I texted him “F off” after he had stopped by but denied it (to save face I think)

    After I text him to F off, he blocked me.

    I know that wasn’t the smartest thing to do but I was angry and I also wonder about ” you can ‘t do the wrong thing with the right man” or however that saying goes.

    Tereana what you are saying makes sense… sort of. But he wasn’t just thrilling, he treated me like a queen.

    I’m just wondering if my inability to really move on from this is telling me something about my deeper feelings. And that it may be worth exploring further? or not? arghhh!!!

  358.  #358BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 1:01 pm


    I texted OMCD back and asked, “how about Thurs night?”
    he texted, “earlier in the week would be more possible but we’ll confirm later as Thurs approaches.”

    I responded, “I’m not really into last minute things, I need to plan in advance.” Not exactly the most thought out response but whatever.

    Then I felt LIVID.
    I still feel charged up and shaking.
    I don’t feel livid right now, just sort of shaking in the aftermath of the adrenalin rush (plus I had a big coffee a little while ago.)

    Tells me he’s available through Friday then this?

    I’m not feeling very good about this anymore.
    I’m not feeling good about him.
    Feels wishy-washy, ambiguous, confusing, like a movie psychedelic flashback sequence
    smoke and mirrors
    Now you see me, now you don’t!
    Screw this.
    I feel dismissive now.
    Doesn’t work for me.

    My heart feels wide open! And I feel like I want to grab myself in a big hug and swing myself around!
    Building trust in myself!

  359.  #359Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    @BeLoved….wow, why are you so worked up sweetie?

    I texted OMCD back and asked, “how about Thurs night?”
    he texted, “earlier in the week would be more possible but we’ll confirm later as Thurs approaches.”

    This sounds TOTALLY fine to me. He said he was available through Friday. Then he clarified that earlier in the week was better but that you can confirm later as Thurs approaches. Its only Sunday. Let this man be. I think what he said was totally fine. Please go read Queens Code. It addresses such subjects as this.

    Put down your sword. Stop fighting. He did a good thing by asking you out. He did an even better thing by giving you times, etc.

    I honestly am not sure why you are so upset?

  360.  #360Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    @BeLoved – If you want something more set in stone, when he texts you back if you are free go….if you have made other plans then you just gently say – oh, I”m sorry I made other plans, I wasnt sure when I would hear from you. The end. NO drama.

    Just see what happens when Thursday is here. He can either text you or not. If he does text and you go out – you can say to him then in a warm and open way that it works much better for you if you know ahead to plan, and that if he could help you out with that you would appreciate it. It would provide you a sense of being able to organize your week, etc.

    The words provide, help, appreciate. All are important.

    Please dont be a frog farmer as the Queens Code says which is turning a prince into a frog by getting so mad at him over nothing, and then he leaves or becomes the frog instead of the prince.

  361.  #361BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 2:10 pm


    It feels like bait and switch to me, to offer me one day then come back and say, well, maybe not that day.
    I was only worked up over it for a minute.

    He says he understands, but hasn’t come up with an alternate suggestion and me suggesting feels like leaning forward, like chasing and being in masculine energy.

    So, I’ll just do what I want, which is for now, to clean my apartment and do some laundry 🙂 I’ll take it moment by moment.

    To me it’s different from a date, because we are scheduling an Orgasmic Meditation session.
    I do see some ways I can adjust my attitude, though – the triggers! They spring up so fast!

  362.  #362BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Oh…just realized also, I’m due to start my period any day now, which historically makes me feel a lot more touchy and more prone to a primal trigger.

    This is actually pretty cool, to notice how mild these episodes are. I used to be PMDD’s poster child on crank several years ago 😀

  363.  #363Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 2:24 pm


    For a date like that, I can understand your upset. A man should be breaking down walls, not putting up any barriers, for a date like that.

    I would be upset too.

    Be careful with your heart here, Beloved. Because it doesn’t sound like he’s being very protective of it IMHO.

  364.  #364Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    @BeLoved…..From what I know about Orgasmic Medition there is NOTHING to connect that to a date. Everything I have learned and read about it in the last few months, it is strictly two people getting together to do the orgasmic meditation session. It has nothing to do with romantic feelings. If it does, then it is becoming something completely other than orgasmic medition.

    I do not wish to turn this into a debate about the subject of orgasmic medition, I”m just saying this is precisely the reason that I dont particularly care for the idea. Women get attached due to the oxytocin that is released or even thinking about having it be released….and there comes the bonding.

    The only times a woman feels the oxytocin is when she is giving birth and orgasm – which bonds you to your baby….and your man.

    So, take it for what its worth.

    If this man is cancelling on you, (which he isnt) then its the same as cancelling a dental appointment or an appointment to pick up your laundry.

    If you are already emotional about it – perhaps this should not be something you are involved in. Or at least admit that you are emotionally already involved, which most people who do orgasmic meditation try to say that there is NOTHING emotional between the parties romantically and no expectations are there.

    Anyway, I feel pretty strongly about it – so I’m not trying to offend, just throwing my opinion in the mix.

  365.  #365Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    I don’t really know what orgasmic mediation is. So it doesn’t involve sex or even physical intimacy?

    Well, even so, I would want the person that I’m engaging with in it to take it seriously.

    Maybe with this guy, beloved, since he’s not making it a priority be very casual about it too, and have the attitude that it is no big deal either way if you do it on Thurs. If he is casual, match him, and be casual too. In general, I don’t think its a good idea to be “more than” the guy is being. Of course that can be easier said than done 😉

    If you take something like this very casually, it will probably make him want to do it more! hahahaha!

  366.  #366Syrena on April 7, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    Rori says.

    “Some men are actually, on purpose trying to hurt you – because that’s the only way they know to relate to a woman.”

    I want to explore this more. I have come across this and I have come across other women who want to hurt another woman in purpose. Is there any way we can have these people in our lives? As they are not like this 100% of the time. Or do we just have to stay away from them for good? Are feeling massages and assertive tools any use on this group? Or is it a case of runnnnnnnnn?

    And although I have come across this, I have not usually picked this up quickly.
    Are there any ways to pick this up quickly?

  367.  #367Syrena on April 7, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    MY instinct says runnnnnnn but part of me wants to give them chances.

  368.  #368Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Liquid LIght – well, I think its intimate.

    A man sits up. A woman lays down naked from the waist down, and he touches her down there in a certain way for 20 minutes.

    I dont know if other people think thats intimate, but I sure do.

    You can do it it with people you know or strangers, but there is nothing RELATIONSHIP about it all. They make that very clear the people who are proponents of it.

  369.  #369Femininewoman on April 7, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Elsie I believe I agree with your thinking on this. Just that ob/gyn is another person who does touch down there. Yes that role is different and the period of time is also and the kind of touch.

  370.  #370Rebecca on April 7, 2013 at 3:59 pm


    I have come to a realisation that is very hard for me.

    My family are not “there” for me – at all.

    In fact they never get in touch with me and they don’t know anything about my life.

    I deperately wish I could do something about this. I WISH I could make them CARE about me.

    It’s like I’m just waiting for them to contact me – but they NEVER do…

    How can I get over this pain and frustration I feel?????

    I am going to sink into my feelings.. hmmm

  371.  #371Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    For the record, just so its clear, I think that if two people who are intimate in a relationship want to pleasure each other in a slow non rushed way, thats fine. Even to just enjoy each other – fine.

    This is just two people – who may or may not even have ever met….and its a 20 minute “session” where the man is fully clothed, and the woman is clothed from the waist up.

    At first, I thought, well, maybe I just dont get it.

    I think I get it. I just dont think it would be for me. And frankly, its way to easy for a woman to get her emotions wrapped up romantically in a situation like this even if her head tells her no.

    Plus, I believe (my belief only so dont throw stones at me) that intimacy is for a relationship only, so thats why my perspective on this is very well…..I wont be signing up for it anytime soon. LOL>

  372.  #372prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    I have never heard of orgasmic meditation before in my life until now. I don’t believe it would be something for me. I agree with Elsie. With myself personally (and I understand each person has their own individual beliefs) I would put emotions into it.

  373.  #373Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    I also have never herd of “orgasmic meditation”. But i doesn’t sound like a good date idea, unless you are exclusive or can really detach.

  374.  #374Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Yes, I believe that orgasmic meditation and date should not be used synonymously. At least that is the way that they “advertise” the way the practice is done.

    Now, I do think between two emotionally connected people in a relationship – this could be a way to explore intimacy. Fine. Whatever floats your boat as they say 🙂

    But in the context of doing this with strangers or people you dont know….well, I just think it leaves a large area where people can get emotionally connected. I cant imagine not getting emotionally connected and frankly – I think that is what BeLoved is sort of getting so upset about. It is triggering something in her because it feels already like she has expectations around him. Anyway – my two cents on it.

  375.  #375Memulo on April 7, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Elsie, I am sorry I only briefly read the posts but I feel that it is not right for you to advise ‘to wait and see till thurs’ or ‘to put someone’s sword down’. You don’t know! If Beloved wants plans in advance and not the vague ‘we will figure something out’ twice in a row without a firm plan, she should have exactly that. I don’t know where and how this ‘sitting and waiting’ till the ‘person in charge’ tells you what he means and what he wants, so you can be warm and open with him and help him have a great time – I don’t know where this is coming from;) Is he a more important person in this relationship? Why?

  376.  #376Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    What I might do in this case, is to have a plan B . Dont hold the spot for him. If he should call enough in advance, i might go if I felt like it and if not, just be able to say I feel sorry about this but I made other plans as outs were uncertain

  377.  #377Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    @Memulo…you said that you dont think “its right for me to advise….”

    I thought that was the whole point of this forum. BeLoved doesnt have to take my opinion into consideration. She doesnt have to read this blog. She can think I’m a nutcase and out in left field. I”m totally ok with that!!!!

    She came on with an issue, and I gave my opinion. Its truly ok if she thinks its wise or bananas.

    But I thought that was the whole point of the forum. To give opinions and advice.

    My opinion is that this is a strange situation (orgasmic meditation) and frankly even if it were a date, I think he did nothing wrong. He said he was available through Friday. He then responded and said that earlier in the week was better Then he said he would get back to her when he has more info concerning his schedule later in the week. I’m sorry but I fail to see how this man has done anything wrong. In fact, I think he has been very gracious regarding keeping in contact with her and letting her know what the situaiton is.

    If she doesnt like it then she can just cancel this appointment or whatever it is….its not a date, its a session of orgasmic meditation, and then move on and find another person to do it with.

    You cant change a man. You just have to decide if what he is doing is enough for you. If it is, then stay. If its not then leave. NO drama.

    (my problem is always figuring out if what he is doing is enough – so that is I”m sure a lot of our problems….but those are OUR PROBLEMS ladies….not theirs….)

    As Rori says…a mans job is just to do what he does. Its our job to decide if thats enough.

    Again….just my opinion. Take it….leave it….I’m ok with it 🙂

  378.  #378Elsie on April 7, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    @Memulo – Well, huh. I’m confused. I thought this was a place where we were supposed to give our opinions and advice. BeLoved came on here with a situation and I gave my opinion and my advice.

    If she doesnt like it – or you dont like it – I guess we can discuss it – or not – Its ok either way with me. She doesnt HAVE to take my advice. LOL.

    At the end of the day, as Rori says, its a mans job to do what he does. Its our job to figure out whether that is enough or not. That boundary is going to be different for all people. For example, Memulo – you have a huge issue with people setting up a time to meet you on the phone. For me that is not a big deal…..but we are just different. So thats what we are all figuring out here – where our boundaries are. These are OUR ISSUES, not mens issue. Their job is just to do what they are doing, and we have to decide if its ok with us.

    In BeLoved’s case, this sounds to me like an appointment at a doctors office or dentists office. There isnt supposed to be any romantic or emotional attachment. So – who cares if he cancels or calls or doesnt etc. Its rude, but then just move on. If one of my meetings didnt show up – I would just say fine, and not meet them again. I woudlnt be so indignant and offended and upset and hurt. Its just a meeting.

    …..AND……if its *not* just a meeting, then this orgasmic meditation is not JUST orgasmic medition. Its MORE. And that is my whole issue with it. It sucks women in because we are emotional and our chemicals tell us something different than our heads do.

    So either this is a business appt. in which case she shouldnt be so emotionally upset….


    Its something deeper, in which case, perhaps she should think about whether or not orgasmic meditation is for her since her emotions are getting so involved.

    Again…my two cents.

  379.  #379BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    I told him
    “I don’t like to make plans by text for exactly this reason – these kinds of interactions.
    If I am going to share my body with you, it’s worth at least the effort of a phone call, I’m not a robot 🙂

    He said – “I understand better/I am guilty of relying on text/I consider text/phone as interchangeable/ perhaps we can speak tomorrow eve, non-robot to non-robot :)”.

    Elsie think what you like, I don’t feel an attachment to this man, I hardly know him. I riffed and was on to the next thing…you made a much bigger deal out of it than I did.

    And this: “The only times a woman feels the oxytocin is when she is giving birth and orgasm – which bonds you to your baby….and your man”
    is flat out misinformation.

    Anything that generates feelings of pleasure generates oxytocin – even some things that don’t. Oxytocin is stored in high concentrations in the sphincter muscles, so an@l sex, pooping and vomiting can generate large releases of oxytocin. Breastfeeding generates oxytocin, looking at smiling people, laughing, watching laughing babies videos on YouTube, looking at or petting animals, especially baby animals, eye-gazing, all generate oxytocin.

    I really appreciate his response and it showed me a way I can be more direct and still feminine in my communication about what I need and want.

  380.  #380Femininewoman on April 7, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Elsie there is a link to the right of the blog with Guidelines to Posting. Just in case you want to review for your own clarity.

  381.  #381Femininewoman on April 7, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    RE 378 All very true about oxytocin.

  382.  #382Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Beloved, itsou ds likeyourcommunication with this guy turned out well.
    Its awkward to communicate in text form, especially with someone you hardly know.
    I am finding some guys on a first phone call get all nervous when there is silence on my end and heir rmarks put me on the defensive.. I am learning to act interested without the nervous chatter.
    In othe words, only face to face is genuine, or at least more vailable or connection

  383.  #383k2012 on April 7, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Hi ladies, how are u? Still not getting any posts delivered to my mailbox. Thanks Tereana for your kind words. Appreciate it. I just felt miserable last night. I keep pretty busy. Men like when u focus on yourself and have your act together. I am just starting up a new business which will get off the ground this month. I am also just about to get more active in church. Tomorrow I am going to email my Pastor and ask him what plans do they have to start a singles ministry. That can also help me to find someone. Somehow I think I need more interests. I love to read. I read a lot and I love to write. By the way did u all see a newsletter from Rori re some ebook on Love and Romance which can help u make money. Going to read the letter again as I read it hurriedly. Seems like a good idea. Elsie-“I think that obviously at SOME POINT you have to let a guy know you are into him or else he will think you are not and move on LOL. I think her point is that you dont want to do that too soon. You dont want to be talking about babies and drapes for your new house on your 3rd date.” Yeah true true. I agree.a man likes to know a woman is attracted to him, just don’t give all of your attention to him. Take time for yourself etc.
    LuzydelI-“Pretending you’re not interested in a man, to keep him interested in you seems like game playing. Not authentic at all…”. True Luzydel. So true.

  384.  #384Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Thanks for mentioning he guidelines, Femininewoman, they remind me to stay in my girl

  385.  #385BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Yes, thanks!

    Once I got of the computer and then got to housekeeping and cooking dinner, the emotion cleared and I knew what to say.
    I actually said, “My way of thinking is, if I am going to share my body with you…..”, which felt feminine to me, just describing how I think, no demands or accusations and it felt really good, I felt bold and sassy 🙂

    I can see where I have been ‘hinting’ but wasn’t sure how to be more direct without taking the masculine role, I feel like I’m learning to dance in that sweet spot.

  386.  #386BeLoved on April 7, 2013 at 8:21 pm


    Happy belated birthday!!

    I love your presence here <3

  387.  #387prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Ugh! Feeling frustrated and hurt again tonight. My guy hasn’t contacted me in a couple days. The only reason I heard from him yesterday is cuz I contacted him for directions to get somewhere. I know what Dominique said earlier today….”As for your man not contacting you for a couple of days, this is not necessarily cause for concern. Men operate in what I like to call boy time which doesn’t look anything like our time, we as women. A day to us will feel like a moment to a man.” I know men think differently and I get that and I get what Dominique is saying. But I can’t get past the thought that if someone really cares about you they will always find time for you. What’s wrong with a simple “hey how are you” as your crawling into bed for the evening??

  388.  #388Zia on April 7, 2013 at 8:40 pm

    So I have a coffee date lined up this week with someone from RSVP. I don’t think I can manage more than one a week or one every two weeks but it feels good to make an effort to get out there.

    I told my ex that I do not want to hear any thing further from him unless he is wanting to give our relationship a second chance. I feel weary from the way I allow myself to be drawn in by him telling me he loves me, then feeling my heart shatter when he throws false accusations back at me once I’ve opened up and let him back in.

    I feel that both he and I have a lot of growing to do on our own if we are ever to have a good second chance at things.

  389.  #389Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    I have heard Rori answer this by saying something like, when he contacts you again, its ok to say “i really love hearing your voice and i need to have more contact to feel we are connected”
    Something like that. Or “I feel a distance is thre somthin I hould know? ” but only if he is your boyfriend, not a more casual date. Of ourse whenw e circular date, time flies faster.

    I hope you dont mind I commented, I dont come here often. But I know the feeling when we need to be herd.

  390.  #390prplpsn28 on April 7, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    @ Linda G….No I don’t mind you responding. I’m open to any suggestions/help from everyone. We’ve been together for 18 months. This just happens now and then with him, more so lately, and it just drives me crazy. I feel like when I do finally hear from him that I shouldn’t respond and let him see how it feels to be ignored and blown off. He is an extremely busy guy with all of the responsibilities he has. And I get and understand that. And….again…..I know men don’t think the same way we do. So idk what to do. Our relationship is good but weird. Hoping Rori’s tools will help cuz I love him even with all of his quirks and things he does that drive me nuts.

  391.  #391Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Re. orgasmic meditation. Now that I know what it is, I would never let anyone do anything like that to me esp if I didn’t know him? That is absolutely appalling and would feel like a total violation. If you have any doubts about it, I would absolutely not engage in this. It’s just setting yourself up for huge emotional turmoil.

  392.  #392Liquid Light on April 7, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I feel absolutely freaked out and deeply saddened just writing about this. 🙁

  393.  #393Linda G on April 7, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Prplsn, I might trust him with my feelings and tell him I need more contact.
    I always find when I use Rori’s tools, I feel warm and calm

  394.  #394Zia on April 7, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    While I’d never feel comfortable with the idea of orgasmic meditation with anyone but an exclusive partner, I did a bit of googling and am really fascinated by it so have gone and bought a book about it. Really looking forward to having a read as it seems to be in line with the “slow down” ideas spoken about in Modern Siren etc.

    Thanks ladies! 🙂

  395.  #395Rori Raye on April 7, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    Elsie – I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you sooner – the whole point of this blog is NOT to give opinions and advice. Completely the opposite. Please go over to the sidebar and read the Guidelines..it’ll help you get so much more out of this blog. Love, Rori

  396.  #396Rebecca on April 8, 2013 at 1:46 am

    Feel tense in my back. My shoulders are tense and down my spine ….

    I will sink into my feelings…

  397.  #397Tereana on April 8, 2013 at 1:59 am

    Liquid Light – okay. Still, the only way you’ll know if he’s the right guy for you is if you let him come to the conclusion on his own, and contact you first. Heck, maybe while you’re dating someone else.

  398.  #398Tereana on April 8, 2013 at 2:08 am

    The wind outside is so brutal, it woke me up…

    Had a nice date with A last night. I usually don’t like to go out on Sundays. But somehow it felt okay to say yes. We had such an interesting time. We know each other, but it’s been so long since we went out, that it was almost like a first date again. He dropped me off at my place, and we kissed. He is a really good kisser. (no lip bruising ; ) and I decided not to feel guilty, since I really haven’t heard from dancingCD since last week. Don’t know where that’s going.

    Sounds like A has matured a lot. It was good to spend time with him…

  399.  #399prplpsn28 on April 8, 2013 at 3:44 am

    I’m confused. It’s being said that we can’t change a man, which I get to a point. They are who they are. But yet it seems the purpose of Rori’s tools is in fact in a way meant to do that. We change ourselves to then in turn bring them closer to us which it seems is in fact actually changing them to a point. Right? The purpose of the tools is to bring them closer and want to commit to you. Right?

  400.  #400Indigo on April 8, 2013 at 3:57 am


    If they are capable.

  401.  #401Syrena on April 8, 2013 at 4:14 am


    399: prplpsn28

    “I’m confused. It’s being said that we can’t change a man, which I get to a point. They are who they are. But yet it seems the purpose of Rori’s tools is in fact in a way meant to do that. We change ourselves to then in turn bring them closer to us which it seems is in fact actually changing them to a point. Right? The purpose of the tools is to bring them closer and want to commit to you. Right?”

    I understand how it is confusing. Nobody has the power to change what anyone does, unless you are forcing and using inhumane methods.We only have the power to change ourselves By changing what we do we reverse and change the energy exchange, this creates the ‘opportunity’ for the other person to want to change themselves or to stay the same. So we are not as such changing them we are creating the space, energy and importunity with no expectation of it they will change or not. They either will or they will not. The purpose of the tools is to create the space and opportunity for the right man by cding for us to want to get closer and commit to us. Not to focus and center in, hoping on getting any particular individual man to come closer and commit.

    The energy is different.

  402.  #402prplpsn28 on April 8, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Well now I’m feeling discouraged. Goodbye

  403.  #403Syrena on April 8, 2013 at 5:21 am

    I feel triggered by Elsies words to Beloved.
    They felt bad to me.
    I felt able to put myself in Beloveds place as if I was her and see it through her eyes from her POV and not my POV.

    I feel anger bubbling up inside.
    I want to wade in, but it’s not my job.
    I can choose not to wade in.
    It’s all learning, we are all here learning.

    I am now pulling back and doing my best to see it through Elsies eyes and see it from her POV,

    Elsie is Elsie, Beloved is Beloved and I am me.
    What matters in Beloved case is how she feels and what she wants, what will feel good to her in those circumstances, not what I would want, or Elsie would want.
    We are all different, different thoughts, feelings wants desires.

    It feels difficult to hear when people are upset I want to hug them, make their upset go away. It is like I feel what they are feeling and it hurts.

    I want to make everybody better and I can’t and sometimes that just feels really painful to cope with.
    Then I just want to pull back and distance myself to make myself feel better and take care of myself.

  404.  #404Zia on April 8, 2013 at 5:25 am

    Syrena – you explained it perfectly! And I am going through it right now. I feel myself changing, and realising that this ex of mine really is no good for me. It is starting to look like he is someone who is not emotionally capable of being in an adult and loving relationship. It feels like he is purposely attacking me, and for the first time in my life I am able to take a step back because it feels bad.

    I’ve FINALLY managed to get myself in the mindset that he is just “one of a few” on rotation and not any more/less than the others. Though with the words he throws in my direction, he’s very quickly getting to the bottom of the list!

  405.  #405Dominique on April 8, 2013 at 5:35 am

    prplpsn28 – 387 – I totally understand how you feel as would most any woman, YET most men would not. And this doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or is even thinking about you.

    Yet if you feel neglected you in other ways, then maybe the lack in phone or text contact is just adding to your dissatisfaction with this man.

    You cannot make a man do anything or change anything. All you can do is continue to work on you, fill YOUR life up, and express yourself as authentically as possible though without blame. This must be about how YOU feel.

    And in this he MAY change. Though again not likely on your timetable.


  406.  #406Dominique on April 8, 2013 at 5:41 am

    And as Linda G suggested, you can try inspiring more contact by really letting him know and appreciating the time he doe contact you. MELT and tell him how good it feels hearing from him.


  407.  #407IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 5:56 am

    I got the deal on all the programs!

    I feel guilty for spending the money.

    I also feel hopeful.

    I also feel scared.

    I also feel skeptical.

    I have no idea when I’m going to listen to everything.

    I listened to a little bit of Reconnect and watched a little bit of Targeting Mr. Right.

    I have to say, that in my Chr1st1an culture, I don’t believe that CDing is the only way to get a man to commit.

    I’ve seen too many men commit to too many wonderful women to believe that is true.

    but I’m still learning, and open to learning.

    I feel like a Rockstar.

    I just don’t care that much about any one man anymore.

    and that feels great.

    and it feels a little lonely too.

    I still feel scared of being alone.

    and also scared of commiting to someone.

    I feel determined to get out of this fear, and to grow and change.

  408.  #408Femininewoman on April 8, 2013 at 6:17 am

    If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.”

    ― Margaret Thatcher

  409.  #409prplpsn28 on April 8, 2013 at 6:19 am

    @ Dominique….I’m not sure as to what kind of feeling messages are appropriate to use to let him know that I would like more contact and more time together than just every 2 weeks. I thought about saying “I’m disappointed when we don’t have any contact for a few days. Why does this happen?” and “It disappoints me when we only see each other every other week. What can we do about that?” Like I’ve mentioned before, he is an extremely busy guy and I totally get that and understand that. But still feel a little more contact would be better. We do get along extremely well when we are together. We can joke with each other and we have alot of the same ideas and values.

  410.  #410seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Morning Sirens,

    Clarity is antiseptic for oneself. The other stuff is pain of the kind that breaks you. ……………………………. I feel impatient and little girl saying please please please pppuuuhhhhhlllleeeaaassseeee can I have it now??????

    Easy grasshopper we will get there. I love me. I love that I am seeing and feeling in my own way. It’s the perfect way for me. I love that I have sought and found. Continuing on and on on on on into infinity.

    Weird dreams. Melting. Dark thing melted. I feel lighter, like when the smaller crocodile left from under the couch dream. Together with Beloved. When I offered love to her and the melting. It came back to me and I melted something. Thank you Beloved.

  411.  #411Femininewoman on April 8, 2013 at 6:29 am

    prplpsn28 – Are there any other feelings? Disconnected, sad maybe? Do you want to feel his energy coming towards you? Do you miss hearing his voice? Does your heart feel lumpy and heavy when you don’t hear from him? I would say see what is weighing heavily on your heart and prepare scripts to see what surfaces for you.

  412.  #412Linda on April 8, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Hi Sirens

    I wanted to check in. I appreciated very much all the help you offered me with my communication issues with FavoriteCD.

    I had a good weekend with FavoriteCD and his daughter. But, I must say that is was not a good weekend for heart to heart communication. His daughter brings a whole different dynamic into the relationship. I dont mind it, and it is not bad, it is just different and not the time to discuss what I needed to. I feel really tired from all our going and doing this weekend. I am short on good restful sleep and just want to sleep in my own bed alone with my cuddly little dog. (who sleeps in his comfy cage in the bedroom when I am at FavoriteCD’s overnight). It is going pretty well with the dog.

    I realize as I read the blog that there is so much more that I could be doing for to be a feminine siren in the midst of this good relationship. I feel inspired to step up myself to be more authentic and genuine. There are SO MANY wonderful things that FavoriteCD does that I should be vocal about with him. So, I have decided that I am going to start. Last Thursday I left him a sticky note on his computer that simply said “i love you”. He text me… thank you for the wonderful note. I have found a little note on the bathroom mirror that he put there to find when I stumble my way there at 4 AM to get ready for work.

    How easy a relationship is with him… I dont want to coast and take any of it for granted. My soaking it up and not expressing appreciation feels selfish to me in a way.

  413.  #413Linda on April 8, 2013 at 6:52 am

    I do have to say… for anyone who is wondering.. the MELTING tool really works. The more I melt, the more FavoriteCD gives because he likes to “feel” me receive.

  414.  #414Memulo on April 8, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Elsie, I was in a rush last night and sorry if my comment came out as too harsh. I wanted to make a point that faking into trap if waiting and not making a big deal of things that don’t work in your best interest may not work well for you. There are plenty if men who will give you the necessary minimum and test you on how little you can survive on. This is the point I wanted to make.

  415.  #415Memulo on April 8, 2013 at 7:08 am

    So I loved how Beloved responded and that she refused to be put into a waiting mode.

  416.  #416Mercedes on April 8, 2013 at 7:14 am

    LL: 232 –

    “I wonder what your motives were. Was the cd’ing mostly a strategy to get J back?” – The strategy wasn’t to get J back at all. I honestly didn’t ever want to see or hear from him again. I wanted to forget him. The strategy was to forget about J and move on with my life. I wanted to be happy and I wanted to enjoy life. I did not believe I would find “the one” and I did not have any intention of ever speaking to J again. He had other ideas. lol

    “I wonder how you felt about the guy you kissed? You must have liked him to have kissed him?” – I liked him very, very much and I believe we would still be friends today if circumstances had been different.

    “Did you ever wonder about him after he left…like have any regrets about it. I know you don’t now but back then?” – No regrets. I never had regrets. I wasn’t looking for more than maybe friends with benefits someday or something like that. I had given up on love and when I was dating him, I didn’t want to risk my heart again. So no regrets. I do think about him sometimes and hope he is very, very happy. I want him to have love and happiness so much. I hope he found someone who could enjoy that side of life with him.

    Ladies: I had a great weekend with J and, true to my word, no internet or phone use (with the exception of some facebook and twitter stuff that the two of us shared in together). It was wonderful! Wine tastings (lots of those…lol)…met some really interesting and cool people, did a lot of walking and shopping. Took the jeep on a road trip and got a little mud on it for the first time (J just bought it a few weeks ago and has been dying to take it off-road). Really, really nice time.

    Tonight we are going to sign the lease for the new yoga/meditation spa. I’m sooooo excited!!! We’ll be meeting with architects and builders next. Very, very cool things happening! I wish all of you were in the area and we could have a meet and greet and you could all give me ideas and input for what makes the perfect spa. 🙂 That would be amazing!

    Hope all of you had wonderful weekends too! I’ll catch up on the blog as soon as I can!

    Much Love,

  417.  #417Jennie H on April 8, 2013 at 8:01 am

    “Let him know when you’re NOT available to talk (“I’m going to church/ballet/opera/movies/nite with girlfriends tonight..if you need me, I’ll be here in the the morning…”).”

    I don’t know about this one … seems to me you shouldn’t have to explain where you are every minute of your time outside of work. It should be enough just to say you’re not available outside of working hours, don’t you think?

  418.  #418BeLoved on April 8, 2013 at 8:06 am


    Memulo thank you!!!!

    I decided after I first started learning the tools and FM’s that I wasn’t going to pretend to be “cool” if I’m not feeling cool.

    Before I texted him about “My thinking is….”
    I sent a message that said, “I feel mistrustful and as if I’ve been bait and switched. I feel on the verge of tears. I want to feel better about this whole deal and I don’t know what to do, what do you think?”

    He responded with, “I want you to feel comfortable. I’ve tried to be as transparent as possible about my scheduling issues. I can commit to anytime Mon-Wed.”

    I knew I didn’t want to firm up the plans by text, so I chose to focus on “He wants me to feel comfortable and I believe him.”
    Then after a couple of hours of doing other things I felt playful and confident and relieved and responded with the bit about “My thinking is…”

    Now – with the benefit of hindsight – I can think of 2 or 3 different ways I could have handled it more Siren-y, but I am going to refrain from driving myself nuts over it and instead let myself feel good about it. 😀

  419.  #419Mercedes on April 8, 2013 at 8:08 am

    FW: I hope you had the most amazing birthday EVER! 🙂

    Much Love,

  420.  #420Linda G on April 8, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Here’s where I am at , or should be:
    Using feeling messages to be authentic and not to be polite. Feeling messages make me feel so mushy that sometimes I sacrifice my true feelings to wax poetic.

    Trying not to get defensive when a guy criticizes his online dates for lying about their age, etc. plus I don’t like hearing about this at all, but it seems to be the initial “go to” topic for the first phone call after an online connection

    I am getting the hang of saying “no” to guys I am offended by or not interested in for fundamental reasons. My latest email to a guy who doesnt show up, twice “It feels yucky to be repeatedly let down. I don’t want to go any further”

    I also feel a little bad when guys dont call when they say are going to or dont ask me out after our phone call. Its like I have to have them like me/want me to feel successful/attractive

    I want to be soft, its comfortable and soothing being a siren, i need to master it 24/7

  421.  #421seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Joyful news Mercedes!

    In reading about your yoga/meditation studio I would like to ask a question.

    When I first moved out and was seeing a therapist I couldn’t breathe when the feelings got to much. She insisted I get yoga classes. I am very thankful for her insistence:) It was in the fifth or sixth class where we did some new stretches. When I left that day and was walking to my car I was very ‘light’ and felt relaxed. It felt loose? Buttery joints. I sat in my car for a minute and felt something coming up from my womb area. In my mind I was telling myself breathe let it come, somethings coming it’s okay just let it come and BREATHE….. It was a crying like I have never ever felt before. Clean, and I put my head on the steering wheel and let it come and it flowed out. It lasted about ten minutes and then I felt like laughing and I did. Giddy and happy. Release I think. I didn’t say anything to anybody. But breathing was really much better afterwards and even now i call on that feeling to breathe in stressful times. So my question is, What was that? Is it yoga or my time to let go of something? Any light to shed on that would be appreciated. Thank you Mercedes

  422.  #422seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 8:55 am

    If you’ve been putting up with confusing behavior from a man, and it doesn’t feel good, I know how you feel.

    I’ve posted in my own blog many of my most embarrassing, humiliating stories, and how
    I stopped allowing that kind of “man who feels good but makes me feel
    bad” into my life – and I want to help other women stop allowing that kind of
    bad-feeling man into your life, too.

    Here’s a letter from Sheri, who’s going through that right now:

    “Dear Rori, I met a great guy…we clicked. two weeks of wonderful.
    and then gone….he left to go back to his ex. then two weeks later back
    to tell me he was sorry…that he made a mistake…..then I had to leave
    the state. While gone he was attentive for the first week via
    phone…..then poof…..he was gone…..went back to ex. Then he found me
    having fun and he just had to talk with me. he pleaded and begged for
    me to talk with him. He even cried that he was lost without me….and
    again….he had made a terrible mistake.

    This time he had put HER name on his body in two places with
    tattoos…….I put up with that. Then just as the first two dress
    rehearsals went…..viola……he was gone again.

    He calls now and I don’t answer the phone. I want my heart to be
    done but there is something about this guy I like…..or maybe something
    about me I dislike as this is really torture and punishment.

    What the heck is my problem? Sheri”

    Here’s my beginning answer and help for the HUGE issue Sheri brings up:

    Sheri, you’ve given yourself your own answer – and I’m going to just point it out:

    You say, “…this is really torture and punishment.”

    And – that’s it.

    You are drawn to men who torture and punish you.

    You are drawn to “punishment.”

    You feel, somewhere deep inside, that you DESERVE to be punished.

    It comes from habit – from the atmosphere in which you were raised
    where your WANTS were dismissed, in fact – where you were perhaps PUNISHED
    just for WANTING.

    It could have been subtle. People calling you “little miss high and
    mighty,” or rolling their eyes, or showing you by example that wanting
    something only gets you punished.

    And then we internalize that, make it a part of ourselves, so that
    everytime we do something nice for ourselves we feel ashamed and
    guilty. Every time we feel PLEASURE, we feel bad, and yucky and ashamed
    and guilty.

    And so we go out and punish ourselves. We’re accident-prone, or we
    go out and hire some guy to hit us over the head with his lack of love.

    AND – it can come from the only way you knew to protect yourself.

    In order to keep yourself emotionally, and for many of us physically, safe in BIG ways, you may have had to punish yourself in “small” ways.

    When you live thinking that the “other shoe” is ALWAYS about to
    DROP, you start dropping shoes yourself, in order to take the edge off
    the constant anxiety and feeling of dread.

    And when there are no shoes dropping, we can feel really SCARED of
    what’s about to happen. And so we CREATE the punishment we’re used to,
    the punishment we can tolerate, the punishment we think of as “us.”

    This guy is fine just the way he is. He’s working through stuff,
    he’s confused, he wants you – then he wants her. And know this — he
    doesn’t experience EITHER of you – you or his ex – as real people, with
    their own needs and desires. He sees both of you only in terms of what
    HE GETS.

    So, whichever one of you gives him the most of what he wants – sex,
    love, encouragement, fun, no pressure…that’s where he’ll land.

    He’s not a good guy. At least not now. He’s actually “Toxic” right
    now. And for many reasons (my Toxic Men program will help you
    terrifically with all of this) – you are attracted to, and attract
    Toxic Men.

    For right now – see how you like him because he punishes you. He
    keeps you off balance. He torments and tortures you. And there’s a part
    of you that WANTS this.

    There’s a part of you that feels most comfortable like this.

    Well – you deserve better. You deserve great things. Great love. Great devotion.

    Focus yourself on this, and love the part of you that wants
    punishment so she can no longer “run” you while you’re unaware of her.

    Now you know her. Embrace her, and tell her you’re in charge.

    You can read more of my ideas at


    Love, Rori


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  423.  #423seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:01 am

    FW, I borrowed your style! Thank you. This was one you put up and I saved it. I read it last night before bed and it really clicked in so many different areas it didn’t get to the first time around. Thank you FW. Thank you Rori.

    i also remembered the “look for the signs”. I look around and see beauty. At a flea market I saw a huge sign it GODDESS…………. I don’t know what they were selling, I just went with the feeling of “YEAH!!!!!!! Thank you!!!”

  424.  #424Syrena on April 8, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Gosh that resonates seahorse.

  425.  #425Mercedes on April 8, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Seahorse: My best guess would be that you needed to open up and let something process itself inside of you. Yoga (and probably a meditative piece of that along with a real focused breathing technique) created space for this to happen. When you practice yoga and/or meditation, a whole new world of body/mind/soul awareness can open up. For me, I’ve cried once during a yoga session and many, many times during meditation. I believe those practices are simply making space for me to process through whatever it is I need to process through.

    In my own personal experience, yoga is more of an exercise thing for me and a true awareness of my body and where the focus needs to be. Meditation is more of a spiritual experience bringing me closer to G0d. I believe others can experience the spiritual side of things through yoga practice alone. I personally am too busy trying to balance or hold the pose just a little longer while not forgetting to breathe. lol

    Much Love,

  426.  #426Dominique on April 8, 2013 at 9:14 am

    prplpsn28 – 409 – What I am suggesting here is to really let him know how GREAT it feels to be with him, hear from, and really, appreciate ALL that he is doing for you, anything that allows him to spend more time with you.

    You will more likely to get what you are looking for by reinforcing the positive rather than focusing on what feels negative to you.

    Start with this first. I would also ask you to pay more attention to the details, HIS way of showing he cares and wants to be with you. This will shift your perspective.

    Give this some time. And if after this you still feel unhappy, dissatisfied, then we can talk about a short heart-to-heart talk.


  427.  #427Dominique on April 8, 2013 at 9:19 am

    seahore – 420 – this is not an uncommon response to healing practices and not just yoga. you touched on some deep stuff you had stored, and it got released. this is beautiful and wonderful. please embrace it.


  428.  #428seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Yeah!!!!!!! We did yoga for about 45 minutes and then guided meditation for 20 minutes!!!!!!! Sometimes during the meditations I would leak tears but it was always good. Thank you it feels really good I’m not alone. Hah!!! Never alone, always with G0d!!! Thank you Mercedes I feel grateful for your presence here.

  429.  #429Linda G on April 8, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Mercedes and seahorse;

    I have also found myself crying during yoga: initially it scared me. Your assessment makes so much sense. Rather than feeling afraid, I want to welcome the meltdown and just feel what it brings up.
    I have even felt connected more t o my mother, who recently passed.

  430.  #430seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Syrena- RIGHT????
    I feel that deep gonging again in my body when I read that. It feels deeper than before. Like it covered so many different areas. Now, I feel excited and want to climb a mountain and run down it and then turn around and do it again:) I feel like singing and really loudly too!!! Hahahahahaha!!! I feel grateful, I love it

  431.  #431seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Linda G- That feels lovely to read. When that happened in my car, I was scared at first, but i told myself ‘What are you afraid of?’ It’s feelings and they are beautiful and they are MINE. Be the lily. Then it came even more and it was wonderful crying. The tears were so big! I was soaked and that was what got me laughing. I didn;t question the feeling, just went with it. I feel proud of myself. Big smiles

  432.  #432seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Yes Dominque!!!!! I feel even prouder. Thank you!

  433.  #433prplpsn28 on April 8, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Thanks Dominigue. He has shown in very obvious ways that he cares. I will work harder on concentrating on them. And see what happens.

  434.  #434prplpsn28 on April 8, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Thank you to everyone for your help. It is greatly appreciated.

  435.  #435seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 9:44 am

    looking back now at that time when I first started going to classes and not being able to breathe, I feel a tightening in my lower back again. A reminder? Breathe the light in and center it there and stretch. Let go and breathe. Tightening chest and breathe and stretch. It’s a new day and anything can happen. Thank you for the reminders lovely siren ladies

  436.  #436Indigo on April 8, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Wow, seahorse 421

    I LOVED this article that you posted.

    SO what I needed to hear.

  437.  #437Linda G on April 8, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I feel so grateful to have this forum that encourages me to breathe, relax and connect.
    I know I don’t post often, but knowing you sirens are out there singing helps me find my own voice

  438.  #438Liquid Light on April 8, 2013 at 10:01 am

    421 Yeah, ditto, needed to hear that too!!!

  439.  #439IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 10:14 am

    @421 seahorse – that made me feel so understood. and teary.

  440.  #440Tereana on April 8, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Okay, I just did a “boy” thing. But – the blog is my confessional!! Lol

    I texted a man after a date – eep!

    I know – the sky is totally going to fall down on everyone!!!!! I hope you can tell I’m not serious. I’m making fun of myself. Because how can it be that big a deal. So I texted him? So what? It was A. I haven’t seen him a looong time. My phone battery was dead when he tried to text me last night. I know I didn’t NEED to text him. I knew it was kind boy-ish. *sigh*

    I still need to rehabilitated to being a “girl” I guess. Still.

    All I said was, “It was good to see you last night. Thank you :)”

    I’m sure it’s fine.

    But I DID catch myself last night. We were going into the restaurant, and there were two doors – the inner door and the outer door. He got the outer door, and I began to make my way to open the inner door, when I stopped myself and stepped aside. At the same time, he said “I got it” and practically jumped in front of me to get the door. I just smiled and said “Thank you.”

    See I CAN be girly. I just have to remind myself…and I guess I don’t do so well when I’m all on my own. Left to my own devices, the idea of thanking him just kept popping up. I need to focus on something else…

    I was on the verge last night of telling him that I was “sort of seeing someone” (i.e. dancingCD). But I didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t. Because I still haven’t heard from him yet.

    But…I don’t have to row any boats. Except mine. Mine is sinking. blub, blub, blub. I feel like I’m going underwater. Occasionally I get to hang onto someone else’s boat and get a breath of fresh air.

    I could be doing SOOO much better in my life. Why am I not???

    I don’t understand. Everyone knows it. Everyone wants to know why. And I don’t have an answer…. : (

  441.  #441Heart on April 8, 2013 at 11:01 am

    I went for a walk today & found a bridge with a river underneath and I stopped for a while and looked at the water & it felt really calming….
    I feel really bored right now…
    I’m wondering how to fill the time..
    I’m relaxed and bored…

  442.  #442Heart on April 8, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I feel grateful for presence & sounds ….
    oh wow I just realized I feel afraid of feeling grateful…I feel as if I’ll jinx myself if I feel happy & grateful…

  443.  #443Memulo on April 8, 2013 at 11:12 am

    NewCD texted me last night that he had a wonderful time with me and wished me good luck with studying and said that we will see each other soon. He left for the west coast early in the morning.

    I feel his attention and interest. And I can’t stop wondering – when will I stop having feelings for dumbcd. It’s like him the most out of my CD’s and can’t stop missing him. Other men treat me better and they are a lot more ‘normal’ in general, but I still miss him. And I know I can’t win over a much younger girl, but the feelins are not going away!

  444.  #444Memulo on April 8, 2013 at 11:14 am

    Heart, are you moving in the end?

  445.  #445Heart on April 8, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Memulo – No. Big Shock….I didnt have to relocate..found out a few days before my time to leave! Can u imagine….I was so shocked & happy. Wow it kinda changed Everything.
    I’m really glad though…leaving didnt feel right…Still maybe it wld have been a good things.

  446.  #446seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Memulo- 441, Why do you like feeling like that?

  447.  #447Heart on April 8, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Memulo – it will pass eventually…

  448.  #448seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 11:44 am

    Memulo, Somebody asked me that same question. I looked at them like they were crazy. It was the opening I needed. The 421 post really helped too. Stop sign tool is awesome for anything also.

  449.  #449seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 11:48 am

    I feel very happy that 421 post resonated. Thank you

  450.  #450Rori Raye on April 8, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Jennie – Welcome, and some jobs (the “dream jobs” often) are 24/7 jobs. If you sign on for that – then that’s what you get, and no – you don’t get to “not work” during non-working hours. Journalists have these jobs. People working their way up jobs in the entertainment industry never stop working. Entrepreneurs don’t even have “working hours,” because when you’re not working, you’re marketing. When you’re in the rock band – rehearsals often have a schedule, but “creative sessions” don’t. That’s why I took this one step-by-step so she could start creating time for herself and breathing room without knocking the fellow over unnecessarily. She loves the job, remember. Everything has a price, all else needs to be negotiated and baby-stepped. Love, Rori

  451.  #451IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Feeling humiated again. Jack CD was all up in my personal space bubble this weekend at a group thing.

    (remember, I’ve told him how I’ve felt about his interactions with me and how I can’t handle them.)

    at first all I could feel was RELIEF to not be feeling anything sexually or emotionally, which in the past, I so often would. at least our little “chat” broke me of that.

    So I felt relief. and nothing much else.

    but then, when I walk back into the room after leaving it, that same girl who is now obsessed with him just like I was/am/whatever is all over him trying to get his attention.

    and he’s sitting back and smiling huge, exactly like he used to do with me.

    and something inside me SNAPPED. I became so angry I started shaking.

    I had this crazy suspicion that he just got in my space bubble to get a reaction from her.

    I waited till i got home and I texted him I said, “If you’re not interested in her, don’t hurt her like you hurt me. and don’t EVER use me or any girl ever again.”

    and then I threatened to talk to her about it if he continued to interact with her the same way he interacted with me.

    It’s seriously identical.
    and it’s sickening.

    (I have no idea what anyone is going to say to this. I know everything I did was a big no no, I know I’m a hopeless drug addict, but I still feel livid about how he used techniques on me and I fell for everything and became addicted like a stinking junkie.)

    He called me after I sent that text.
    He texted me.
    Told me he wanted to “discuss” things.

    I told him that I thought he had no respect for women, (true, but wow, can’t believe I said that)

    that I didn’t feel safe around him, (also true)

    that I felt extremely angry, but calmer with him making an effort to contact me.

    I told him I felt suspicious and cautious about talking to him or even being around him.

    He said he wanted to have a conversation via text because he felt like there were some miscommunications via text.

    I told him I didn’t want to talk right then.

    that I felt exhausted.

    I told him we could talk eventually if he still wanted to, but I just couldn’t right then.

    I feel humiliated.

    I don’t understand him or anything he does.

    I know that’s not my responsibility, but I feel like he has intentionally and completely toyed with my emotions and sexuality.

    He probably doesn’t even realize the kind of effect he has had on me, and I think that’s what bothers me the most.

    I don’t know why I got so strung out and addicted to him, but I hate it soooooooo much.

    I’ve never felt THAT strung out and addited with ANYONE.

    Especially with someone who made it clear that he doesn’t care about me.

    I’ve been reading through what I wrote MONTHS ago, and I feel humiliated.

    I sound like a crazy HERIONE addict.

    I hate that person.

    That’s not who I really am.

    I’m crying right now.

    I don’t know where or when I lost myself.

    I just want to stay as far away from him as possible.

    You’re supposed to stay away from the drugs, right?

    I just feel livid that I feel like he stole “group things” away from me that used to make me feel so safe and happy.

    I feel great at them when he’s not there, but shaky and unsafe when he is.

    I feel so humiliated.

    I’ve never felt so livid at a person in my whole life, and I don’t even understand why I feel this way.

    I don’t want him to talk to me.

    I just want him to go away.

    I want to forget him and my addiction.

    Just needed to write it out.

    I’ve got other things going on in my life, of course I have other things going on in my life.

    I just needed to write that out for the online universe to see.

    There is hope for addicts.

    and I am determined to be a success story.
    and I am determined to help other people.
    and I am determined to increase awareness of people like him.

    There’s nothing wrong with that.

    I want to protect this girl.
    I want to protect every girl who comes in contact with him.

    I wish I hadn’t fell for it and become addicted…

    I’ll be okay. I’ll be more than okay and I’ll be stronger for this…

  452.  #452IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    “The normal process of falling into love addiction begins when a person begins to feel sympathy with another person after going through an initially innocent moment of attraction and automatically idealizes the other to the point of divinity. The individual is then blindly attached to the other person, becoming incapable of making a realistic analysis of the situation; they may project all kinds of illusions onto the other person, believing them to be the only one that can bring happiness. This process can be very quick. There are, however, those who never go past this stage of blind love, and remain ‘addicted to people, sucking on them and gobbling them up…parasitism, not love’.”

  453.  #453IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Reading the above ^ makes me feel really scared and sad. I want help. I want it to work fast. I want this to go away.

  454.  #454Turquoise on April 8, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    New Post

  455.  #455Angela on April 8, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Hello ladies I don’t post as often as I would like to but hey, I m going for it now.
    After being in pain about not getting a particular guy I was so into.
    I followed Rori’s advice and just stopped doing anything to get his attention.
    It was so hard for me. I believed 100% that I needed to seem available to this man in order to be with him.
    So back to the stopping, wow has it changed me.
    What happened was this:
    I filled my days with fun activities meeting friends and family doing yoga reading doing things around my apartment. So I know things are changing for me As long as I am doing things I love I am doing it right I believe.
    About the guy: I see him around sometimes and now although I am still attracted to him I feel its so much different. I feel that when he sees me now he just seems so happy and trying hard to be nice to me. Which makes me smile but more importantly its authentic I am not even trying.
    What I still feel bad about is that at times I still want him and I feel bad that I am focusing on him only and it is hard for me to let other men in. I know I have to work on that.

    @Iamhis.- I really feel for you and your situation the addiction part is something I truly get. You are very inspiring! I love how you know and are affirming that you will be okay, that is so positive and beautiful. And I do hope you heal. I do hope you find an answer to your current situation.

  456.  #456IamHis on April 8, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    @455 – Thank you SO MUCH, Angela! I feel like I’m losing my mind, but it’s so comforting to feel empathy and support coming from you!!!

  457.  #457Memulo on April 8, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Seahorse 444: He is the smartest and most interesting of them, and it’s like his opinions and outlook at life matched mine in the best possible way. His imagination has sky limit and I always looked up to him.

    And if I wasn’t so ‘nice’ and ‘agreeable’ and in a ‘waiting mode’ there is a big chance I didn’t lose him.

  458.  #458Femininewoman on April 8, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Memulo there you go again. Making him like a GOD and yourself like a footservant.

  459.  #459seahorse on April 8, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Memulo, Not that part. The sad part. Or what ever that feeling is that you let happen by thinking of him. Maybe even before that feeling, what’s the “feeling”? Do you like the feeling? If you keep getting the same result,and you don’t like it, change it(Rori’s way).

    And Beautiful Memulo, your lovely just as is. Love yourself more than anything or anybody.

  460.  #460Angela on April 8, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    @Iamhis. Yes I truly believe you will feel better. Most of us have been there and survived.
    What sometimes helps me feel a little, (and even a little for me turns out to help a lot) is at least contemplating the idea that this man not be for me or that if its not here right now (him or the relationship) what is the need to worry?
    Better thoughts and ideas without forcing myself to let go help me a lot.
    You are strong and we are with you in this one.
    I am sending love your way! And I pray you see things more clearly.

  461.  #461Angela on April 8, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Iamhis- I am sure you will get past this. I know you are strong you are being so vulnerable and that is so huge and important I believe.
    I have been there, many of us, if not all have been in a situation like yours and sometimes I even fall back into that pattern.
    What has helped me feel a tiny bit better when I am in this sad confused hurt place, is at least letting in some new ideas, and feeling how they make me feel often I end up kinda happy and that is good enough in the moment.
    For example when I am worrying why he is not around, about what is wrong with me, and about wanting him in this moment.
    I kinda think about this: what if he is not meant for me? What if maybe it is not happening right now but it will in the future? And what if I let some of the pain of not being with him just be, will it kill me?
    What if he is not around? can I still be happy beautiful and all those great things?
    The answers are sometimes revealing you know?
    So much of my own anxiety has nothing to do with the men I meet but with my own insecurities so I find that it lets men off the hook and even me off the hook.
    I know it is hard and for me what is even harder is trying to be or force something like forcing myself to feel better,
    But also, what if this part of allowing new ideas in, is good too?
    It sometimes works for me..
    I am sending love your way. And pray you find the answers in your beautiful soul.

  462.  #462Angela on April 8, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Iamhis- I am sure you will get past this. I know you are strong you are being so vulnerable and that is so huge and important I believe.
    I have been there, many of us, if not all have been in a situation like yours and sometimes I even fall back into that pattern.
    What has helped me feel a tiny bit better when I am in this sad confused hurt place, is at least letting in some new ideas, and feeling how they make me feel often I end up kinda happy and that is good enough in the moment.
    For example when I am worrying why he is not around, about what is wrong with me, and about wanting him in this moment.
    I kinda think about this: what if he is not meant for me? What if maybe it is not happening right now but it will in the future? And what if I let some of the pain of not being with him just be, will it kill me?
    What if he is not around? can I still be happy beautiful and all those great things?
    The answers are sometimes revealing you know?
    So much of my own anxiety has nothing to do with the men I meet but with my own insecurities so I find that it lets men off the hook and even me off the hook.
    I know it is hard and for me what is even harder is trying to be or force something like forcing myself to feel better,
    But also, what if this part of allowing new ideas in, is good too?
    It sometimes works for me..
    I am sending love your way. And pray you find the answers in your beautiful soul.

  463.  #463Tereana on April 8, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Well, this is interesting. No word from dancingCD since last week. But that’s okay. Like I’ve been saying, it’s not like I thought he was ‘the one’ or something. Ha! He’s ‘a’ one. He’s a cute one. So what? ; )

    And I’m proud of myself for going out with A last night. It means I’m not all stuck on one guy.

    I really miss France…

  464.  #464Zia on April 8, 2013 at 10:45 pm

    iamhis: I feel so sad reading your post, but the addiction thing i completely understand. it IS an addiction. but all addictions and habits can be broken, i believe.

    some of us are destined to be more challenged than others, and that’s ok.

  465.  #465Liz on April 14, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    I need to share my feelings again about what is happening. I feel like we are just dating again. I feel that energy again and shyness and mystery from us both. I like that he is now leading this relationship. Yes, I do not call him unless he asks me to. It sometimes means that I dont hear from him for a day or two and I am ok with it. I know when he calls its because he is wants to talk. This is so strange. I am used to calling, leaning forward. Now, despite a little discomfort, I am leaning back, Ive learned to wait. But, I am doing my own things, having fun, seeing friends, speaking out and just being authentic and myself. Its amazing the change in him. He is growing as well. I am so excited and I see his interest in me growing again. I am so committed to being this way unlike before where I was calling, worrying, upset, afraid, trying to control… now I just love being the “feminine” and letting him be in charge and be the “masculine” I dont want it any other way…I feel the sexual energy building now as well…. its incredible..

  466.  #466alice on April 27, 2013 at 12:44 am

    dear Roy !
    after 4 passionate days of my dating with him , he cut with me because of what i did during I was drunk at the last night when we were with some friends , I was so sick and cried and told many bad things to him , but day after that I apologized too much and called and send text but he never answered me any more , he told to my friend that every thing is finished . I cant handle it now , is there any way can I convince him back to me ? thank you

  467.  #467Rori Raye on April 30, 2013 at 11:04 am

    alice, welcome – and this is going to sound very tough to hear. Please don’t read if you don’t want the truth. You sound, in your comment, as though you have a drinking problem, a communication problem, tend to be generally self-sabotaging, and are very out of touch with your emotions and so have no ability to manage them – and that these things have nothing to do with him. What happened made you sound emotionally and mentally unbalanced – especially after such a short time dating. No man wants to be with a woman who he feels is emotionally unbalanced. Please get some professional help to deal with your personal ways of dealing with life that are not working – and then the men will come! Love, Rori