When Your Boyfriend Wants Space – Focus on YOU

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This is from Maria’s comment:

“My boyfriend and I for almost 2 years now are often more off than on. (On and Off) Of course I’ve done all the things should not do. However he told me he needed some space away from me. Has stopped calling me. I know we love each other, but how do I get him back. I want a committed relationship with him, he’s obviously not ready said he wants his freedom…”

Here’s my answer: Maria, First – thank you for joining this community and asking a great question…He’s asked for space. That means, to me, that you no longer are stuck in the “girlfriend trap” – and that you’re free to date.

That means you don’t need to tell him anything (in fact – I don’t want you contacting him for ANY REASON now, not after he’s expressly “asked you for space”)

And by “Date” – I mean, lunch, coffee, dinner, a movie, a concert, even making out. I do NOT suggest you have sex (not even more than kissing) with anyone until this “relationship” feels resolved. (We’ll keep talking…)

You are not dating to find a new man (although that might happen as a bonus!). You’re dating to get a stronger sense of yourself, to feel stronger inside, to get a fix on your own boundaries, and to have FUN.

You CANNOT help a relationship recover by being sad and miserable.

You can only help a relationship recover by recovering your own high spirits and sense of fun, your own devotion to YOU and to having a good life, good times, and good feelings.

This is not only the BEST way to attract a terrific man who can make you happy, it’s the best way to heal everyone and everything around you.

You feel good about YOU, you share that fun and good feeling with everyone just because it radiates out of you, and everyone feels better and feels COMPELLED to be around you.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on October 14, 2008 at 11:32 am

    Rori… hi… your font is really small!! hehehe…

  2.  #2Daria on October 14, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Thank you for the insight “this is also the best way to heal everyone around you…” I am finding that you are right on!

  3.  #3alias girl on October 14, 2008 at 3:30 pm

    rori you are so right on with all of this. it’s taken me just a short time of practicing your tools on ALL the men i meet and are around me but the SHIFT has been amazingly huge and positive. i feel so much softer while at the same time i am so much more powerful and also at peace and mostly just kind of soft and easy. it Feels so good to be in my body now. i have such a higher appreciation of myself. cicular dating is definitely the way to go. i barely even think about the last guy who i Really like but had to let go of. if he is interested in what i am interesting in building with someone in regards to relationship i would give it another go (while continuing to circular date until i have the concrete signs of commitment i am looking for. ) but if not then that is ok too. plenty of good men to choose from. just keeps getting better and better. and i feel really great right now. the heaviness from yesterday has lifted. some of these feelings i feel have been trapped in body for decades and are now only releasing. but my energy level is soo much more now. i still feel a lot of trapped fear (terror) but that will release when and as it wants to. i am here loving myself no matter what. xoxoxo!!! 🙂

  4.  #4tina on October 14, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Hi Rori,
    So happy you are here. Still no call or contact. I feel wierd about this. Spent weekend at beach, looking up to sky doing the zoom out. Feeling good and bad. Did yoga on sand giggles started.
    I feel like I am just hanging like that rock wall tool you wrote about.
    Gathering a feeling Power Speech, short and concise, just do not know what to say! I feel that when I hold off speaking when something is bothering just don’t have the courage and I am bnot being bare with myself. Sometimes I blank out and allow self to go along,. Will not do that anymore. I feel like calling and just dropping ball in his court. Any feelings on this?
    That lovely time of month is approaching so am having dark yucky thoughts about self. When I look in mirroe, see how pretty and fresh I look go out see men look and appproach, always love myself more when I look at self. The inside feeling the bad ones do not match witrh what the world sees outside. Feeling good and fortunate about that.
    I feel like expressing just that Feeling uncertain and do not like not communicating regardless of what happenms next. Another part of me just does not want to bother, just feel I would feel more powerful talking/expressing self with feeling messages.
    Help girls especvially Rori, so wonderful to feel the bare honesty. Have been approached by two older not attractive to me men because of no chemistry, both pursued droping hints of their wealth etc. Am feeling financial pressures now also maybe putting out a vibe? Not interested anyway.
    Hugs to all
    Feeling a bit lonely, intuition pulling to just pick up phone, feeeling he will take lead etc. once we speak.

  5.  #5Bethany on October 14, 2008 at 8:17 pm

    Alias Girl, you’re doing what I want to do! I am in awe of getting to that place where you can let go and feel like you have other options and so you can relax! Good job! And you inspire me to keep it up, too!

  6.  #6Daria on October 15, 2008 at 1:52 am

    alias girl i am with you…

    tina… maybe you can start trying to teeny bit by teeny bit love the sad way you feel? hugs! I just went out to see the guy who I was arguing over who comes to whom… i feel semi-ok but kind of off balance… i believe it would feel much better without pushing forward… its also part of practicing what you are accustoming yourself to… i was becoming more and more comfortable with not stepping forward and remarkably men were… so maybe although you might feel relieved momentarily by dropping the ball with him… its actualy us not passing the ball, not having closure that is waht we have to learn to love…(because tolerating is not good enough)… just remember don’t beat yourself up no matter what you choose or happens… that way you will really learn what is meant to be learned…


    oh and that guy i hung up on called me back LOL
    and guy i drove to said you didnt really want to come see me … i said yes i didnt want to drive… id feel better if you came to see Me… he said I’m just going to have to come see u then huh…
    lol… i dono if he’s gonna manage it but I want to stay out of his business… i do feel really weird (and turned on) around him right now… he used to be a good friend and easy to talk to…

    wheeee I feel weird and scared and happy excited “crushy” feelings… and tahts ok! because part of why im excited is because of ME… hehehe… I really need to practice my “I only feel comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship” talk!

    PS – oh that guy that was very attractive that I sent the “I am SO mad at you” message called…heheheh!


  7.  #7Maria on October 15, 2008 at 5:28 am

    Rori I forgot to mention that my boyfriend has this same habit always, however then out of the blues he calls says he wants to see me, and of course never has come to pick me up, I always have to drive to his house, sometimes even drive him around for his errands. My question is when he calls me what do I say as far as a speech is concerned? Do I give him my speech on the phone or in person? Need some clarity here…by the way, my self esteem has climbed from a level 3 to a 7 and still climbing. Your tools are working for sure. Have a date to go to this weekend and can’t wait…you are absolutely right that when we send out good vibes into the universe everything around us comes and greets us with it…love ya! by for now will keep you posted!

  8.  #8tina on October 15, 2008 at 7:21 am

    Thanks Daria,
    I have been feeling good and more confident have mset up social events to go to etc.
    I guess because I am feeling more magnetic and stronger and determined to have what I want (marriage and a home) I feel more authentic to be more open something that was always hard for me to be and just let it hang, He has always picked me up, made plans, pays for everything went on trips etc.
    But Rori hits it right on about commitement for now and forever, looks the same except in certain spots, where because all else is good we overlook. Like he will say just as soon as late August he is committed etc . Our for now has lasted longer than some marriages we know.
    Just know I feel worthhy of more,
    Maria you are right abnout universe reflecting back, I have been having yucky thought when I am alone, great open feelings when I am out in public, who knows? Thanks to all you girls! I feel so FEMALE!!

  9.  #9tina on October 15, 2008 at 9:36 am

    I am feeling so good and free thanks to all of you, and he just called. I said I feel a little bit shaky talking to him, he wants to know if we are still on for our trip, was planned for nowvember.
    I said how can we possible go so far away when we can;t even have a weekend together. Said he hadn’t forgotten me just hadn’t called he also said I hadn;t called him,
    Left it to speak again later today, I am at work etc.
    Open to hear your feelings, of power speeches etc.
    Thanks girls!

  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Oh, thank you all for helping each other! Tina, Daria is so right about loving even the icky stuff – and I can see you DID that and that it worked!

    Maria – this man is calling you when it’s convenient for him. By your driving to him and driving him on errands you are SERVING him.

    I want you to Stop that right now.

    I know that’s easy to say, and I know it’s going to be a mighty transition for you to move from being a woman who “serves” a man because deep down that’s all you feel you deserve – to a believing you’re a woman who has OPTIONS.

    I want you to be a woman who’s “full of herself” and believes she deserves EVERYTHING WONDERFUL – which is the TRUTH! You are all wonderful, and you deserve wonderful, devoted love. Get ready for it! Love, Rori

  11.  #11Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 10:39 am

    Bethany, you’re doing amazing work, too.. just keep going…

  12.  #12tina on October 15, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Thjanks Rori,
    All of a sudden I feel so warm and gooey inside. Your stuff so works. I will not be exclusive with any man ever again, until he proposes with a ring and a wedding date. Stepping back in the last 3 weeks, three different men have asked me out, gone out of their way to come up to me and start conv ersation and asking for my number and date. All during the day just walking on lunch hour etc. Not feeling sure what happens next but will continue to put my soft feminine self out there and do the choosing etc. So glad I DID NOT CALL FIRST, please remember that. RorI’s letters and tapes kept me from that.
    Maria do not ever pick up a man, always wait in passenger side for him to open car door, stop in front of door for whatever man is next to you to open, just slow down he will. I have always had this stuff knocked, just not the inside self esteem stuff, except when it comes to making love , those standards so old fashioned, Men so respond to this. And if they don’t you have lost nothing.
    Funny how we all have different strenghts, Thanks to Rori, Things atre changing fast for all of us.
    Promise no more long posts like this!

  13.  #13Daria on October 15, 2008 at 11:16 am

    oh tina please keep up the long posts! I don’t want to be the only one! LOL

  14.  #14Hurting on October 19, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    Hi Rori. My problem is that I’m too sick to do the circular dating. I met someone online and fell in love. He seemed to really love me as well and then lost interest after 3 months but we’ve been talking almost every day for the past year. It just turned from a romance where he said he when he looked at a pic of me that he is looking into the eyes of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with to acting as if we were just being friends. But everytime I question and ask him about how I feel things changed between us he denies it. He won’t admit that he doesn’t have feelings for me and sends mixed signals. I think he wants to keep me as a backup but as soon as he meets someone he’ll dump me but he probably wont even tell me. He’ll just grow distant. He is afraid to hurt me in my fragile state but he is hurting me now by not being upfront.

    We have never been able to see each other due to my sickness but I’ve been hoping to get better enough. He would spend hours researching online for answers to my problem and send me several emails per day now Im lucky if he returns my email the same day. He has been depressed because he is lonely and wants to meet other people (and he means women, I’m sure of it). However he will not admit to this. I ask him if he wants to just be friends? But he says no. I’m so depressed
    because nobody wants to date a sick woman but I feel I deserve to have love in my life. I am stuck at home with no car and my family does not show love and doesn’t understand my illness. Yes I admit I’m needy but its hard to have self esteem when you feel men will reject you.

    So I found out his ex wants him to drive several hours to drop off her belongings. They have not talked in years. He told me this will be a chance for him to get out of the house. He has not been able to go out because he suffers from social anxiety as do I in addition to my physical illness. He complains that he wants to go out when he knows I’m beridden and alone with no love and support at home. What could I say? I said he should go but I know he could tell on my voice I was depressed. Now mind you this woman looks like Halle Barry according to him and I’m nowhere near that good looking.

    I don’t even know what my question is, Rori. I guess I’m so broken hearted that he lost interest and unfortunately not too many men would be interested in a woman in my situation but I have been alone too long and I wish I could meet other people. I can’t go out and be busy so how do I forget about him? I can’t imagine my life without him

  15.  #15Rori Raye on October 21, 2008 at 1:01 am

    Dear Hurting – I wanted to thank you for visiting my blog and commenting.I’m so sorry for your pain and wish I could help you. Can you tell me your illness? Has anyone been able to help you at all? I wonder if there are online support groups where other women with your same illness can be a community for each other. Perhaps even local to you? I imagine you’ve already thought of all this, and yet felt I needed to ask in case I or any of the other wonderful women in this community could suggest anything.

    I can only imagine how difficult it is to keep up correspondence with someone when you can’t see them. And you certainly do deserve love and romance and all of it. I have no advice for this particular man, only that you not give up on love.

    Please consider continuing to make friends online, there are so many forums and chat groups and dating sites that are just about making friends, and so many for romance. I would imagine there are actually many home-bound people who would love to know you, and also many men who are not home-bound who would be interested in coming to see you.

    And most of all, I wish for your health to return to you – for you to find an answer to your illness and get well. Love, Rori

  16.  #16Hurting on October 21, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Thank you Rori for your support and kindness. I’m sorry I posted on this thread I meant to do it on the one where we ask you questions. It’s heart to deal with a broken heart and illness. I think I may have lyme or chronic fatigue. I have met others in support groups but it’s difficult to find a man interested in me. I’m so hung up on this guy.
    I can’t imaigne my life without him. I was doing better before I met him but now he came into my life and allowed me to open my heart. He has invited me to visit him many times in the past but I was scared for him to see me in this condition. But now he lost interest and it’s sort of too late. Maybe if we met before his ex called we would’ve have a chance….I feel like he is only using me for company right now because he has nobody else where when we first met he was falling so hard for me. Is there anything I can do to change this?

  17.  #17Maria on October 21, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Dear Hurting…I am also so sorry for your pain…I know what it feels like…It’s that soup that we feel: anger, pain, rejection, loneliness…but remember (only conforting you because I’ve been conforted) you can make it out of this…I’ve been doing Rori’s programs, e-book, Heart Tool Kit, just recently order The Siren (can’t wait to get it)…and let me tell you how my life has changed for the better…I too thought I would die without my boyfriend, but you know what this program is actually working so much so, that my coworkers even have noticed it and everywhere I go it’s like I’m in a total different level in my life where my confidence, love, self esteem have actually climbed through through the roof and still climbing…give it a shot, we all deserve to love ourselves first…I know it sounds self-fish but just do it, please you too will be thanking Rori…GET READY FOR THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
    My love to you and you all!

  18.  #18Hurting on October 21, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Dear Maria,
    Thank you for the words of encouragement. I know Rori Tools are the best out there. I’m so glad to see how its helped you and so many people. My problem is that I’m unable to work and do not have a car so I can’t go out and meet other people to practice the tools. If I were working I could afford buying her wonderful programs as well. I’m greatful for Rori and your love and support and the chance to express my feelings.
    Love to you and Rori and everyone.

  19.  #19Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 11:55 am

    Hurting – Do this NOW!!! I believe you are in self-imposed exile, and I want you to do this NOW!!!

    There are experts on Lyme disease all over – I want you to get tested by someone who KNOWS. If you’re negative, then…

    I want you to find some kind of alternative practitioner – Chinese medical, acupuncturist, naturopath who has a TRACK RECORD with chronic illness. Search on your computer, use the phone, get pro-active about your health.

    This can be FIXED!! It’s not always easy – and you will have to be RIGOUROUS.

    I know a lot about chronic illness, many friends and family members, clients also – I can’t tell you what to do from here, but I can steer you on the internet to people who can inspire you, support you, and help you…you must search your community for someone.

    If it’s Lyme, it will take awhile, but people in Connecticut have been dealing with this now for years and years – get tested by someone who KNOWS about this.

    If it’s something no one can DIAGNOSE (that’s the problem with chronic illness) – the way to go about it is with changes in your diet – STOP SUGAR – and supplements (anti-fungal, anti-microbial, immune system support…) .

    You can start at your local health food store – If you have a Whole Foods anywhere near you, you can talk to someone in the Supplements department, and then find a way to get what you need delivered to you.

    There’s a way out of this. You have to start now. Love, Rori

  20.  #20Caroline on October 25, 2008 at 8:23 am

    Hurting, do you have girlfriends? Plan gatherings at your home. I have a small group of girlfriends. We get together at least once a month. We have dinner parties, luncheons, sleepovers, or a day of beauty. We also have scrapbooking parties, etc. Anything that puts on focus on other things besides our man. We support each other to keep the focus off of him.

  21.  #21Trisha on October 26, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    i just HAD to write and share the remarkable fact that Rori Raye KNOWS WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT! i have been in one crazy relationship for the past 4 years. Didn’t know till 2 years in that he has a compulsive gambling problem. i would always question his not having enough money half the time and he would actually have the Nerve to ask me for gas money when he lost his in the slot machines. Another time he was really hoping i was going to fall for his lie about a company’s money envelope with $400 in it “falling out of his car” and thinking i was going to help him replace it with my credit card. Unbelievable.(he later got fired from that job) i never gave him a cent…EVER! Did this make him pull quilt trips on me? He tried. Anyway, With Rori’s excellent advice i have, over this last year of reading and listening to her program, been able to turn this whole relationship in another direction. He has asked me to marry him twice and i declined (don’t trust him) so he decided he would just be my “friend”. i have been so trapped bec of all the ‘nice things’ he has done for me. i have applied the River and the Pond princpal as well as the leaning back and no over functioning, i stopped calling him, going to him, crying to him, begging him to go to GA meetings, and being in his business. i joined a writing class, the gym, a line dancing class, teaching myself to play quitar, join singing contests (won 2nd prize the other day) and the best thing ever?…today i started circular dating and again applied Rori’s techniques. This guy was blown away by my strength of character and the things i practiced. This is just the beginnning! Being feminine is the BEST and i only use my masculine to take care of myself (as i live alone with no family here. ) i am SO done with this loser and his going nowhere attitudes. To think i spent weeks crying over him bec i loved him so much. i was addicted to him and all the trappings of him not having to change his own life by all the concern he was showing towards mine. Do i still love him? YES! but… I come first now. Rori IS an angel being used to help us misinformed women. Thank you Rori.

  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 27, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Trisha, Thank you so much for this beautiful and beautifully written comment. May I put it in an eletter so many more women can hear your voice and follow how you’ve used the Tools? Love, Rori

  23.  #23Trisha on October 27, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    Absolutely YES Rori. i would still be sitting around crying over this guy if it weren’t for you! Addiction doesn’t just come in the form of alcohol and drugs. Love back at ya, Trisha

  24.  #24Maria on October 28, 2008 at 7:52 am

    Hi Rori…just wanted to give you a heads-up! I am feeling so wonderful and in AWE…guys are coming to me like flies on honey…however have to ask you when my boyfriend finally decides to call me in which I know he will….What should I say? I know about the feeling words, now should I express it over the phone or in person is better? PS…listening to Siren program now, second time around…love it…actually all your work has been a blessing…tell you what I believe; was praying for wisdom and then got to cross your path…makes me feel so lovely…thanks Rori you are truly amazing, too….

  25.  #25Cassandra on October 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    Thank you so much for your input on my situation. I have a few questions though. You said that my fiance’ is toxic when you answered one of my posts – the one where we get to ask you stuff, I think. I feel like I am torn it two pieces. Part of me simply cannot go on like this anymore…I just can’t take it anymore…like tonight. He is so dismissive as though i do not exist – he had a bad day so I get to pay the price for it I guess. We are spending less and less time together even though we are in the same house – of course he is gone Mon thru Fri on the road so we only see each other on the weekends anyway and most of those I spend alone…totally alone. I don’t even know anyone here.

    I want so much to spend time together like we used to even if we were not doing anything….we were still together ejoying our time but I am trying so hard not to ask to spend time with him. I miss that so much. he says that when i move out it is only temporary until GOD can work in both of us and our relationship and then when the time is right we will get married and I get to come back to our home. Just as I was writing that it hit me how sick that truly is. I feel nauseas. The awful part of it though is that I do still love him and want things to be right – for us to be together like we were before I got here and right after I got here. I don’t feel strong enough to leave and if I do….where exactly do I go? I can’t stop crying right now and it hurts so much.

    He called me just minutes ago before I decided to write you about this to ‘tuck me in over the phone’ as we do every single night when he is on the road which was wonderful but it ended so badly that I thought that he had hung up on me but it turns out that he had not. What did I do to make things turn to this? I hate myself for wanting it to be ok with him and for caring what he thinks right now. I want to spend time with him this weekend and when I asked him what we had planned he got irritated that I could not just let the weekend unfold by itself. It is so hard for me to do that as I am so scared that I will be left behind….again and I have nothing to fill my time with and no one to do stuff with. I can’t even think right now about getting all dolled up and going out even just to go shopping. I feel like dirt. I want out but I want it to work. I don’t know how to get out of this awful downward spiral.

    I have tried so hard to lean back and these past few days & HE has been calling me more throughout each day than he has in months which I love. I feel good when he calls me…I feel like I matter to him….but maybe it is guilt? All I know is that I have been trying so hard to lean back and he is stepping forward on some things. You had told me to beware of this with him….isn’t that a good thing? I was kind of confused on that. perhaps it shouldbe obvoius to me? maybe it is and I can’t admit that yet? I can’t tell if I am coming or going anymore I am so doggone confused…..sorry this is so long…again. 🙁 Thanks Rori for helping me and all of us as you do. You are wonderful.

    With love and another hug…

  26.  #26Susan on October 29, 2008 at 4:26 am

    I have been with my partner for 2 years. We do not live together. Our relationship has been on and off and it has all been dependent on him and his feelings. Since reading Rori’s emails I have started leaning back, letting him come to me and accepting him. I am finding it very hard not to call him when he doesn’t contact me. I have noticed a pattern to our relationship which makes me realise he is a toxic man. He will ‘persue’ me by phone, we meet, have coffee, lunch or dinner. Then when we have sex he ignores me. He will start ‘persuing’ me after a couple of weeks have gone by until we have sex again. I didn’t realise that this pattern was there until I stopped calling him. Now, I do not like myself for still wanting him when he does call and for giving in. I have made a decision not to have sex with him again but should I tell him this or not. I will miss being with him, talking with him and sharing time with him if I stopped seeing him all together. I have said ‘feeling’ things to him and he apologises and says he doesn’t want to make me feel like that. He then makes an effort which I accept and receive but then he goes back to not calling after a few days. I am so confused with all this and want not to be.

  27.  #27Bebe on October 31, 2008 at 6:09 am

    Hi Susan,
    I also have a similiar relationship, though for much longer than yours. We were constantly more on first couple of years with gaps in between sometimes of a few weeks. I just took that as part of his masculine personality etc. He always made it clear he was not seeing anyone else, just being busy with his stuff/hobbies.
    Sex was not what connected us because I held him off for many manhy months while being exclusive to be sure he was falling for me. I have only been . I have never had any dfifficulty dating many wonderful men and saying no to sex, they understood and still tried.
    To me opening up your body and heart is very special.etc.
    Anyway, still now after long long time together still gaps. I feel ready to walk, he says’where else will I ever find anyone more perfect than my girl’ ‘I.m not going anywhere, just get to caught up in things’/enjoys doing outdoor hobbies etc.
    Rori, is it possible that a man can get caught up in an Imaginery Relationship himself. He says wants only me etc. that he not going anywhere/ not interested in anyone else.just enjoys his time alone.
    I could do this if we lived together or got married. I feel he does not want that. And has said so, but still wants to be together always , then says maybe in future, And like you wrote nothing can make a man want something if he is so adamant against
    it. Know he doesn’t want to lose me has said so.
    I do feel braver, being gut level expressive with him about what I want. Chemistry, fun, flirting. all works, we are good people just stuck on this.
    I feel I want to tell him I will be open to offers from other men, but want him to decide/lead our future.

  28.  #28Rori Raye on October 31, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Bebe – Welcome to this community, and thank you for your wonderful comment. I love your last sentence – you’re doing beautifully…Love, Rori

  29.  #29Caroline on October 31, 2008 at 9:28 pm

    Susan mine said some of the same exact things but then I’d find him channel surfing dating sites looking for other women, calling, texting, making “meet” dates and going on them. I believe they are manipulation tactics to keep us around and into them while they continue the search for someone else better suited to them and what they’re really looking for. I think he’s toxic and does it all on purpose. I told him that I cannot trust him or his feelings any more and that until he knows what it is he really wants then he is a free man. Free to leave my life. It was a hard thing to do but I truly felt he was not mine.

  30.  #30Hurting on November 1, 2008 at 7:44 am

    I just wanted to thank you Rori for your advice about trying to find help for Lyme. I am sort of in a bind because I cant work and my insurance doesnt deal with Lyme LIterate Doctors. I have met a couple of women with Lyme but my social anxiety got in the way of them liking me and wanting to befriend me. They have money and access to all sort of equipment but did not want have anything to do with me. I’ve been rejected by not only men, my family and society most of my life. I have been bullied for 10 years of my life in school from age 6 and have no social skills. So it’s been rough but I appreciate being accepted here and it means a lot. I will keep praying and fighting and hope things will change around for me and someone with compassion will help me overcome my illness.

    Caroline to answer your question I have a couple of friends but my social anxiety prevents me from socializing because I behave strangely with body language and make people feel uncomfortable and I’m constantly being rejected by other people because of my strange body language and behavior. Even my own family rejects me. Also socializing puts a lot of stress on my body which makes me feel ill. So I’m sort of in a bind. But thanks for the suggestion.

  31.  #31Rori Raye on November 1, 2008 at 3:55 pm

    Hurting – I’m sure there are many, many websites with information that can help you put together some kind of Lyme protocol for yourself, and then ask the doctors who ARE covered by your insurance to treat you in the way you’ve figured out. In other words – take charge of your health. This is basically the ONLY way to cure any kind of chronic illness – if you can’t find or afford that ONE doctor who has a successful track record with your illness – you have to BE that expert who can then direct everyone else.

    Here’s a sample website – see what you can get from it – perhaps investing in one of these books would be helpful in making YOU Lyme Literate. Just copy and paste this, and google others…


    As for the social issues – you might be able to find a support group that would be welcoming…let’s see if there are any other ideas out there…Love, Rori

  32.  #32Heidi on November 8, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    Rori: I am 46 and have been with a man for 2 years. He recently decided he wanted to to have some space and have a relationship with “no expectations” as to when we would see each other. So, of course I made all the mistakes that you have talked about and I finally ordered your Have the Relationship You Want. It has helped, but I have so many questions as if I’m doing everything correctly. We only see each other 1 a week and usually for dinner or lunch. We rarely talk on the phone, other than to make plans for our next “date”. This Friday we met for lunch, He drove 30 min to meet me by my work, even though he has limited lunch time and mine is more flexible. So, I guess that is good. Also, In the past I would initiate a hug to greet him, but I wanted to see if he would initiate it on his own. When he walked in I was already seated, he found my table and was in a very good mood, it was a little awkward when he walked toward the table he turned to walk toward me as if he was going to give me a hug, but when I did not stand up to give him a hug he quickly sat down and asked me how I was. Was I supposed to just sit there or should I have seen he was attempting to come my way and have extended a hug to him. I just don’t want to pushed him away if he was trying. For the first time I did not initiate the conversation, which is very hard for me, because I am very talkative. I tried to let him start each topic and responded as best as I could with feeling statements – Did not use feeling statements throughout our conversation, but it was a start. It was awkward. There were breaks in the conversation, that usually are not there because I would never let it happen. But he did pick up the conversation and actually asked how I was doing, what my plans were for the weekend, how my kids were. He even surprised me with birthday presents for my kids. He gave me a hug good bye and I just felt very empty. I did not have any idea how the lunch went. It was different then any of our other conversations and I am just not sure how he felt about it. Please let me know if I did ok, and what I could have done different.



  33.  #33Rori Raye on November 8, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Heidi, This is going to hurt, but I want to be honest. This man is behaving like a “friend.” That is all. Please start dating other men right NOW – learn as much as you can about my Circular Dating from this blog and Commitment Blueprint, and in February you’ll have a whole new program about it.

    For now, just date. Love, Rori

  34.  #34Linda on November 8, 2008 at 9:46 pm

    I’m beginning to think every aspect of the last 6 months of our relationship was imaginary. I am dating, talking to men online, anyone who responds, but it’s makng me vey depressed. I have put so much energy into him that I am tied to him through all this pondering and strategizing. Time to take him out of my wish board, actually I have a Feng Shui relationship corner, same premise. it’s upposed to be used to keep him connected to me. But I think it just keeps me connected to him which is becoming unhealthy.

  35.  #35Heidi on November 9, 2008 at 6:48 am


    Thanks for your comment. I have been dating here and there, so I do understand the importance of dating and getting out there and living my own life. Probably need to do more of it. But based on my previous email, you don’t think doing the things you suggest in your tools, leaning back, letting him row, receiving his giving and melting etc will help in my situation.

    Thanks, Heidi

  36.  #36Trisha on November 9, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Here is my latest update: because i used so many of Rori’s tools, the man i broke up with is doing everything he can to stay in my life! When you actually keep practicing these workable tools the results will be worth your every effort! The last time i saw him i had a prepared “power speech” which left him speechLESS. i rem to use feeling messages, kept saying “I…” and stopped myself from telling him all the things he was doing wrong. (in the past when i did this, all it did was create more anger and him feeling bad for the things he was doing which caused more anger towards me for pointing them out!)
    He had pawned an expensive pocket watch i bought him for his birthday last year. This hurt so bad i was furious! Well, since me being true to my new convictions, he came by this morning and out it came from his pocket! The picture of us was still in it too!
    For all of you who are the talkative ones when you’re with your man, like i was….less talking like Rori suggests…WORKS! i rem when i first starting using “one sentence at a time” and saying”what do you think?” he didn’t know what to do. It was so much fun feeling him experience this “new” me.
    Let me sum it up bec i could go on and on with examples of how Rori’s tools WORK…
    my man is getting professional help (without any comments from me), had his hours changed so he can be with me in church, looks me in the eyes more, connects with me through smiles (no words), touches ME first, leaves me “i love you” messages on my answering machine, RESPECTS me for my “power speeches”, senses i have been connecting with other men and is realizing he wants me for his wife and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
    i’m giving you HOPE ladies. i have loved this man for going on 5 years and until i saw all the things i was doing wrong, and through prayer discovered Rori Raye, things would still be going in the wrong direction. i would still be controlled by my insecure emotions instead of “feeling them”.
    When I started changing ME and not giving up on the program…this man is now rowing the boat, being the River, leaning into me, and seeing me for the Queen i really am.
    Glory to God and Lots of Love and Blessings to you Rori!

  37.  #37Dayna on November 9, 2008 at 11:36 am

    Hi Rory; I am trying to break free from disfunctional, unworthy men. I have been seperated for 10 years and dated several men with only 2 serious relationships. Both break ups left me in devistated. I truly believe that I met my perfect match last year. We dated for about a year. I loved him. But he had serious stuff going in his life and was sometimes preoccuppied with that. I was patient with him. He was kind, funny, romantic, very good lover,and we could talk for hours about our feelings. He treated me good, and I felt 100% myself while I was with him….He said he was lucky to have found me and that he often felt I was a “female version of him” Except that I was about 5th on his list. My family loved him and so did my daughter. When I was with him, I was the happiest person..when I didn’t hear from him, I had anxiety and felt frusterated. I have a wonderful support group that says to just let him be…and except him with no expectations on him. I struggled with that one. I felt disconnected to him for a few weeks, so I ended it in June. 3 weeks later he called to see if he could take me away and start over. I said no, and I wanted to talk about things. He was going to call me back, but never did. So I wrote him an email. The end of July, I heard from him. We told each other that we missed each other, he asked me if I wanted to come over. I said, I wanted to get together for lunch to talk. We planned a date, then he cancelled the night before because of his lawyers appointment.
    My friend told me she saw him on a dating website….so I called him on it. We haven’t talked since.(5 months) Last week, I emailed him because I have some belongings in his garage. I said I felt weird about things and the way things ended, but I needed to get my stuff(including my snowtires) He emailed me back. He said it was nice to hear from you and hoped I was doing well and that he thinks about me. I have strong feelings for him still, and I am afraid that I will see him and want him back, or if i see him and he has a girlfriend it will crush me. My question; Do I go and pick up my stuff and pretend i am over him? Or see him and tell him how I feel? Or just move on?

  38.  #38Linda on November 10, 2008 at 4:53 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have your seven steps to committment and am trying them; I often do not do well with “not contacting him”. In fact, even though he’s asked for space; he still calls me everyday and if I don’t pick up his message is always “Hi Linda, please call back if you get the opportunity”. I feel somewhat obligated to do this; and of course I want to as well; but when I do he doesn’t have much to say or the conversation does not lead to him making any plans to get together. He calls me a pusher and always trying to steer the relationship and has asked “let me make the first move”…but I get impatient and anxious and so then I actaully will show up where he is to force engagement. Please Rori, what do I do when he calls and nothing really happens? I miss him so much and the good times we use to have– which seem so long ago. We’ve been doing this cycle for over 1 year..he’s even said I should date other people. You think I’d get the message– and if you knew how successful and strategic I was in business you think I would? (that part even stymies me!) I also caught him kissing another girl while I had excused myself to go to sleep in his bed (he was having a football gathering with friends) and when I woke up and went out into the livingroom there they were…on the couch. I was so devastated; and she was my friend to boot. They both claimed they had too much to drink; that nothing was there. And he has said Linda, I just feel so pressured by you. Rori.. I need you to kick my fanny… my friends/sister have but I am so lonely and when I am with him we do have a great time. I am trying to date other men; but even though I am considered very attractive none ever approach me; I don’t go out much either though. Word of advice please? Thanks, Linda

  39.  #39Linda on November 10, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    From one Linda to Another: I totally feel for you, I am sure we all have had a taste of thei sort of situation. catching a man kissing, etc. another woman is a deal breaker for me. End of story. I have been in that situation before, turned a blind, very blind eye, and all I ended up with was a very long and torturous imaginary relationship. This is our lives, not Springer. He is trying to blame you for his immaturity, even his choice / her choice of your friend (?!) was a cruel test. I know how it feels to just not want to be wrong about a guy. This is a boundary issue, and I’m talking to myself here, too. If we have no boundaries, no borders, there no clear sense of where we belong. I can tell by your letter that you know you deserve better. We are so lucky to have Rori and each other to kick our fannies.

  40.  #40Mocha on November 11, 2008 at 8:49 am


    My name is Mocha and I am currently reading your ebook. I receive your newsletters and they are good tools to work with. I am awaiting the CD’s to arrive. I wish I had these things available to me 8 months ago. Here’s my situation:

    I began dating a wonderful man and things were great for a year and a half before things starting getting shaky- in fact he made space in his room for me to leave my things (He’s currently 39 and lives with his Mom; I’m 37 and live with my parents). At some point I started to snoop and found that he had fathered a child but wasn’t sure it was his but he was taking care of the child financially and does spend time with the child. This sent me to therapy because when we met the question about children came up and he stated that he did not have any children. When I found out I was furious. I told him that his deception was not acceptable – he feels that he didn’t lie; he just didn’t talk about the child. During this time, I brought up our relationship going to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend – he told me that he wasn’t ready for that. When I asked him how he describe our relationship he said that we were cool – mind you I was staying over several times a week at his house, connected with his family and friends. I told him that at this point a year and a half later I was not interested in being boyfriend/girlfriend because we were operating as such already but without the title of girlfriend. After this we began house hunting. Prior to this we were arguing a lot about the child and his lying about it and I also noticed that he had started to spend more time with his female friends which included the cousin that introduced us. A few times I saw him and this particular female who I used to work with in compromising positions. I spoke to him about what I saw and trusted that he would deal with it. A second time occurred. One night, I was going to stay with him and he was out and I called him just to see what time he was coming home – he ignored my call. I stopped by the bar and he was talking to this same female that I mentioned earlier but not in a compromising way. I spoke to him briefly and was furious so to avoid a scene – I left. I called him on his cell again and he did not answer. When he finally responded, he texts me saying he was finishing his drink. I met him at the house and things got out of control – a BIG fight took place.

    He called me and told me that after having time to think he did not want to have a romantic relationship with me but felt that we could be friends. I told him that I was not interested in that and obviously I was not the one for him. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he wanted to reconnect and get back what we had but did not want to put his eggs in one basket. At first I resisted but then said let’s try. For the first 4-5 months I tried to spend time with him and we did, we talked on the phone, went out occasionally but nothing seemed to really move. During this time, we only had sex once. After that I told him that for us to have sex again we have to be in a committed relationship. One day at lunch, we were talking about what state we were in. He told me that he was hopeful that we would get back together. He also told me that he was getting acquainted with someone. I told him that maybe he should see where that goes. He got furious and told me that I was throwing it up in his face. I couldn’t understand how we could get back what we had if he is seeing other people when at the beginning he told me he wasn’t necessarily trying to test he waters. During this time I was calling and leaving voice messages about how I understand his need to take the lead and be in control and I would give him the space to set the dynamics of our relationship.

    Recently, we went out had a great time and we did talk about this”uncertain” period we are in. I asked why not just end things if my personality is overbearing. He stated that people mature during that time and stated that during this period we don’t do certain thing like birthday gifts, talking as often or spending lots of time together. He called the same night and I even received a text for him about a CD he asked my opinion on. We even shared a passionate kiss at the end of the night.

    I understand that his referring to me being a bit overbearing is more of me overfunctioning as you stated – I set up most of the activities that we did – it was subtle – I would suggest something, ask his opinion, he would asked me to do the research and I would present my findings, if he decided to go though with it then it happened, if not we didn’t go. Like with the house hunting that was his idea – I allowed him to progress at his own pace. I realize that at certain times during our courtship, I never let him lead – I would push for him to make a decision or I would step in and set things up myself but with his approval.

    At this point, I don’t know what to do to turn this thing around. I have been falling back with contacting him as often and setting things up. Except for a few weeks ago, when I called to see if he wanted to get together and watch the football game at a bar. We keep in touch at least once a month and I realize that it’s like a gauging thing – and I told him I recognize that for what it is. I realize that dating other people during this period is a good thing but I think I’m afraid that he may find someone else that he wants to see where things can go. One conversation we had was what he did for his birthday – he told me he went to dinner and a cigar bar. I said that is the same thing I planned for your birthday last year. I asked if it was a date or a group of friends. He replied that he went with some woman. I also asked if he was dating someone on a regular he said no. It seems that he is still very much interested I feel because why would he respond like that. The fight happened in November 2007. It is now October 2008. I also recognize that I was displaying masculine energy and when I was being the feminine energy I did not express how I was feeling but was giving warnings and advice. At this point, I have stopped calling and initiating dates. He sends a funny email here an there but that’s the extent of our communication right now.
    How do I proceed during this uncertain time?

  41.  #41Mocha on November 13, 2008 at 6:45 am

    My name is Mocha and I am currently reading your ebook. I receive your newsletters and they are good tools to work with. I am awaiting the CD’s to arrive. I wish I had these things available to me 8 months ago. Here’s my situation:
    I began dating a wonderful man and things were great for a year and a half before things starting getting shaky- in fact he made space in his room for me to leave my things (He’s currently 39 and lives with his Mom; I’m 37 and live with my parents). At some point I started to snoop and found that he had fathered a child but wasn’t sure it was his but he was taking care of the child financially and does spend time with the child. This sent me to therapy because when we met the question about children came up and he stated that he did not have any children. When I found out I was furious. I told him that his deception was not acceptable – he feels that he didn’t lie; he just didn’t talk about the child. During this time, I brought up our relationship going to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend – he told me that he wasn’t ready for that. When I asked him how he describe our relationship he said that we were cool – mind you I was staying over several times a week at his house, connected with his family and friends. I told him that at this point a year and a half later I was not interested in being boyfriend/girlfriend because we were operating as such already but without the title of girlfriend. After this we began house hunting. Prior to this we were arguing a lot about the child and his lying about it and I also noticed that he had started to spend more time with his female friends which included the cousin that introduced us. A few times I saw him and this particular female who I used to work with in compromising positions. I spoke to him about what I saw and trusted that he would deal with it. A second time occurred. One night, I was going to stay with him and he was out and I called him just to see what time he was coming home – he ignored my call. I stopped by the bar and he was talking to this same female that I mentioned earlier but not in a compromising way. I spoke to him briefly and was furious so to avoid a scene – I left. I called him on his cell again and he did not answer. When he finally responded, he texts me saying he was finishing his drink. I met him at the house and things got out of control – a BIG fight took place.
    He called me and told me that after having time to think he did not want to have a romantic relationship with me but felt that we could be friends. I told him that I was not interested in that and obviously I was not the one for him. A few weeks later he called me up and told me that he wanted to reconnect and get back what we had but did not want to put his eggs in one basket. At first I resisted but then said let’s try. For the first 4-5 months I tried to spend time with him and we did, we talked on the phone, went out occasionally but nothing seemed to really move. During this time, we only had sex once. After that I told him that for us to have sex again we have to be in a committed relationship. One day at lunch, we were talking about what state we were in. He told me that he was hopeful that we would get back together. He also told me that he was getting acquainted with someone. I told him that maybe he should see where that goes. He got furious and told me that I was throwing it up in his face. I couldn’t understand how we could get back what we had if he is seeing other people when at the beginning he told me he wasn’t necessarily trying to test he waters. During this time I was calling and leaving voice messages about how I understand his need to take the lead and be in control and I would give him the space to set the dynamics of our relationship.
    Recently, we went out had a great time and we did talk about this”uncertain” period we are in. I asked why not just end things if my personality is overbearing. He stated that people mature during that time and stated that during this period we don’t do certain thing like birthday gifts, talking as often or spending lots of time together. He called the same night and I even received a text for him about a CD he asked my opinion on. We even shared a passionate kiss at the end of the night.
    I understand that his referring to me being a bit overbearing is more of me overfunctioning as you stated – I set up most of the activities that we did – it was subtle – I would suggest something, ask his opinion, he would asked me to do the research and I would present my findings, if he decided to go though with it then it happened, if not we didn’t go. Like with the house hunting that was his idea – I allowed him to progress at his own pace. I realize that at certain times during our courtship, I never let him lead – I would push for him to make a decision or I would step in and set things up myself but with his approval.
    At this point, I don’t know what to do to turn this thing around. I have been falling back with contacting him as often and setting things up. Except for a few weeks ago, when I called to see if he wanted to get together and watch the football game at a bar. We keep in touch at least once a month and I realize that it’s like a gauging thing – and I told him I recognize that for what it is. I realize that dating other people during this period is a good thing but I think I’m afraid that he may find someone else that he wants to see where things can go. One conversation we had was what he did for his birthday – he told me he went to dinner and a cigar bar. I said that is the same thing I planned for your birthday last year. I asked if it was a date or a group of friends. He replied that he went with some woman. I also asked if he was dating someone on a regular he said no. It seems that he is still very much interested I feel because why would he respond like that. The fight happened in November 2007. It is now October 2008. I also recognize that I was displaying masculine energy and when I was being the feminine energy I did not express how I was feeling but was giving warnings and advice. At this point, I have stopped calling and initiating dates. He sends a funny email here an there but that’s the extent of our communication right now.
    How do I proceed during this uncertain time?

  42.  #42Rori Raye on November 13, 2008 at 12:58 pm

    Mocha – Just do the exercises and Tools in my book and programs, and date every man you can to practice them. You have to completely reverse your energy, or you’ll continue to attract feminine energy men like this one. I would actually call this guy narcissistic and immature – and, guess what – it doesn’t matter!

    What matters is Why YOU’RE so energetically invested in him. And how we can get you out of there and in a much better place. Love, Rori

  43.  #43Mocha on November 13, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    Thank you for your concern. I have truly been studying your eBook and I listened to the free interview with Christian Carter and the information has made a difference for me during this time.

    I agree with you that he is narcissist and at times immature. I do realize that his process is much slower than mine and also that he may be afraid of commitment – not many of his relationships have ever lasted this long – maybe two from what he and I talked about which our scenario is very similar. He comes from a family that does not contain many married couples and the one aunt that did get married is divorced. I come from a two parent home (they are now married for 39 years) and 75% of my family has been married; a few divorces. Majority of my friends are married. I believe that most of his friends are married. I recall him saying that the reason he doesn’t want to end it before fully considering his options is because a few friends of his were questioning if they had made the right decision or not.

    I am truly beginning to reposition myself to deal with him as well as other men that I have been dating. As I stated, I no longer reach out to him in any form of communication unless it’s to respond to any contact he makes with me. And just recently he sent a joke email and I responded and he commented on the fact that I was late in responding and how he sent it a week ago. I told him that I did respond the same day he sent it but for whatever reason it didn’t go through. I asked if he was going to apologize since I sent proof of my response when he sent it. He said no and then I asked why not; then I asked if he was feeling indifferent towards me. He then responded and said that it was all in my mind. I told him that it really wasn’t in my mind because actions speak louder than words and how people make their own conclusions after making observation which is something that you meaning him are quite familiar with, particularly since it’s been ten months of us being in this uncertain period deciding on which way our relationship is going to go. I quickly recovered because that was the old me and told him that I wasn’t here to bust his balls and make a big deal out of it. No is a perfectly acceptable answer and do not want him to think “Why did I engage in this if she is going to do what she always does”. I let him know that I do not take his lack of response personally and I appreciate him for thinking of me.

    I figure if I lean back or as I say fall back – more often than not a person will miss what’s no longer in front of them or in their ear all the time. Also when a man thinks that he is losing you and does not want that to happen then they do everything possible to get back.

    My reason for being energetically invested earlier this year up until last month is that I do love this man, feel that he is the one and also I really wanted to gain from the lesson that comes with such a situation before moving on to someone else not knowing who I really was. I always felt I was impatient. I also never allowed myself to truly feel as you mentioned in your book. I realize that I was feeling anxiety and anger when this all came apart but didn’t know why. I have gained patience and my faith has deepened which I began to fall short on during my time with him. I have pin pointed my anxiety and feel much freer! I have done a lot self work by reading, listening and paying attention to what I feel. I accept this uncertain period on my journey because it’s new exciting and has opened me up to so many things!

    I have been dating other men as I know my “uncertain” has been. I dated a guy who really wants to be with me. I like him but he is divorced and the father of 4! He expressed that he is interested in remarrying and maybe having another child or two. I was able to let him know that dating him right now would be great but looking at the long term would be an issue-not sure if I want to be the step mother of 4 kids and you are not sure if you want more kids. Another guy from college that I had a crush on I saw him a few weeks ago. I am flying to Atlanta to go to dinner with him. I know you are against going to meet men but I promise you that after this, I will only see him when he comes back to the Northeast area.

    I will keep you posted!

  44.  #44Mocha on November 13, 2008 at 2:45 pm


    I truly understand how you feel. My story is very similar to yours. I was with my boyfriend and was 100% myself and we had great times together. I will tell you like I tell my friends and myself you know what your breaking point is. I no longer contact my “uncertain boyfriend” unless I am responding to him and I take my time doing so. It’s been said that when you love something let it go if if comes back it’s yours; if it doesn’t it never was. If he feels that you are really trying to move on with your life and he is not included and wants to be it make take time but he will step up. I am dealing with this right now. Granted, I fall back into old habits but the key as I see it is if you are able to recognize that you are doing old habits then you are making progress. ego plays a lot into what and how we react. Also once you discover what you feel you are really missing form this guy, your decision to really pursue a relatioship with him or not will be more clear.

  45.  #45KIrsten on November 13, 2008 at 8:32 pm

    My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

  46.  #46linda on November 15, 2008 at 9:46 am

    Linda and Mocha… and really all, this is a great site for hope. Rori, I began setting up dates yesterday… and now have two lined up!!! I felt like I was on cloud nine just to be in control of me again. And one guy is really taking the lead and I am letting him. As for the guy in my life; he called at 4:30 yesterday (a Friday) and asked if he could see me….Rori I was open, said how nice that felt and agreed. Today however is our usual “football day”. He did not mention last night (given he said he needs space) and well just called…I did not pick up– 1/2 before gametime. “I’m going to game, not sure what your plans are, talk to you later”…well, I’m not going to respond nor go there. He only calls when he feels like it and well, it is always last minute. So today I am actually enjoying working in the yard, cleaning my clutter (see Rori I’m listening) and let be what be. If he really wanted me to be there at the game he would have planned in advance….a game that places me in direct contact with the woman I caught him kissing and god only know what else when I walked in on them while I was asleep in his bedroom. You are right Linda..it is boundary issues…except I’ve done some awlful things in the relationship (stalking, incessant calling, no trust for no reason, looked at his phone, tracked him down, embarassed him in front of friends, family, and co-workers… so I am not an innocent party) Rori, I am beginning to think this guy just may not be for me. So much water under the bridge, so much pain, so many differences in “our bridges — and where they lead” I’m going to flirt with the world, do what makes me happy (going back to church tomorrow), date, and try really hard to love me. Rori I listen over and over to the tapes… it helps drill it into my head. Any more advice would be great and thank you all! There is hope, it does take some work on your own part however. Linda

  47.  #47linda on November 16, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    well gals I’m back; so much has transpired in just 24 hours (or less)– the man I’ve been pining for; well he called me drunk and said “hey, too bad you never called me about the game; I’m out now and I’ll talk to you tomorow”. I said, don’t bother and he hasn’t (does this sound like 14 year olds drama or what?) Anyway, I had my first date today… really nice guy (a little too talkative and opinionated but I kept hearing Rori say “have fun, just enjoy it” so I did. He walked me to car and told me he was in for something long term, like being married, etc. we’ll see. Then, another guy called me on the way home and said he was so excited about our lunch date on Tuesday…”it’s raining men, halleljuh” but better yet, I’m enjoying being with me!! I went to Church today , worked in the yard again, cooked chili– you know participating in life again!! Yeah… Rori thanks so much for kicking my butt. I will say that the guy I had lunch with today made it clear that he did not what someone who is dating multiple people at once.. I didn’t know what to say about that..Rori???? (I was not ready to give him the no girlfriend speech, we just met face to face)… Help on this one please

  48.  #48Mocha on November 17, 2008 at 7:35 am

    Linda, Thanks for your comments. I too have began dating other men. I now let them take the lead in how things progress meaning, I don’t call them unless it’s to return their call. I am curreently flying to Atlanta to visis some friends and have a date also with a guy that I went to college with and had a crush on. I will admit that I initiated the contact to get to this point since it has been 12 years since we saw each other before last month. I suggested a friendly bet over a football game and the stakes where dinner. He lost and he did suggest maybe waiting until he returned to his hometown to go out for dinner when he came home in December. But I offered to fly to Atlanta since I didn’t take a vaction this year and it also offered me the chance to visit other friends down in Atlanta. I’m soo excited to leave next Friday!! As for a few guys here in NJ, one guy is really only looking to be phone buddies because he just isn’t ready to trust yet based on his past relationship which was a marriage that ended after 9 months. Not to mention what ever other situations he encountered after that. Since there is no time or energy invested, I’m cool with that and he is aware of what I want so if he wants the same thing then he has to take the first step. I haven’t started the Commitment Blueprint DVD’s but I am finishing up with Rori’s book and I am utilizing the tools in there as well as the book. Anther guy that is expressing interest I told him that I will date him and see what happens – we dated a few motnhs back but I don’t think I was really ready based on my beliefs to not jump into something else until my prior situation was finalized – I guess you can say I was exclusive without the commitment. WE live and we learn. At this point, I do not focus on my “uncertain man” as much as I did before. I’m learning more about me and enjoying the company of friends, family, doing things I like and dating. At this point I don’t know what the future holds reagarding my “uncertain situation” or these other guys but I can’t hold myself back without expolring other options. Besides this is what my “uncertain man” is doing so why shouldn’t I? Whether it’s friendly dating or looking to find someone serious.

    Take care of yourself first and foremost!

  49.  #49Mocha on November 17, 2008 at 7:54 am


    Any advice on how to handle this out of town date? After jsut re-connecting with this guy, I told him that I had a crush on him but since we always travelled in different circles while in school, I never let on that’s how I felt. Now that we’ve reconnected, not sure how to proceed. I mean having fun is the goal but how do I let him know that I want to see what can happen?

  50.  #50Maria on November 17, 2008 at 9:41 am

    My boyfriend called me finally…I was in the middle of getting ready to go on a date, so I couldn’t answer, he then left me a few messages…said: “I wouldn’t call you except if I didn’t need your help with something”…Usually in the past I would answer no matter what but this time I said to myself I’m on a mission here (date) no one will stop me now…LOL…so the next day Sunday I called him back…I said: Just returning your phone call: and I felt angry to talk to you, but now I’m feeling happy to talk to you…he went right to explaining why he had called me he said: he called me about a job delivering cars and needed me to drive him to it and back said he would pay me for my time and etc…I said: I feel disappointed, but I need a couple of days notice as I have a busy schedule…and he said he couldn’t let me know in advance as he gets the jobs as it comes in…and that I missed making some extra money…and that if I wanted to make extra $ to maybe consider it for next time and that he would call…so his rating in the Toxic scale is “DIFFICULT” he was of course very cold… He asked how where things…But I told him that: It feels good to hear your voice then he said that his voice was bad lately and that he is just getting over laryngitis….then he said I gotta go now, before he could say bye I said: Bye and hung-up… Well low and behold around 3:00pm he called me and asked me how I was doing I said: I’m feeling wonderful, he then said that he had picked-up dinner and would love to share it with me how did I feel about that, and if I didn’t have any plans? I said: It would feel good. He then said that he had a couple of things to do around the house and would be done in about 20 minutes, and said to me come over whenever you want…I said OK…So then I showed-up ½ hour later…I was practicing Rori’s tools what to say to him…Ok so I got there he opened the door invited me in and I sensed he wanted to kiss me I just leaned back, then back some more, he then leaned forward and gave me a kiss…I said to him while shaking like a leaf, I said:
    I was feeling angry to see you, but now I’m feeling happy, I’m feeling confused…I’ve noticed he looked at me like he was clueless and confused or something, then said to me: Well then be happy! I wanted to die really and instead of going down to my feelings and dealing with it on my own I stuffed it…I didn’t know what to do…and by looking at him he didn’t know how to respond either…So any way we had a wonderful time…I kept doing some of the visualizations like the 100 men out the window it was as if I was a magnet to him he couldn’t keep his hands off of me…I was also able to say No to him because he asked me to take him to run a few errands I said: I don’t feel comfortable doing that, he then asked why not? I said: I don’t want to do that…he kept coming to me to kiss me, was loving on me…and I remember feeling like I didn’t really care for him like before. I was able to actually tell him: I don’t feel like making love right now, so he respected me for it and didn’t push like he done before, and he was very charming all night, hugging me in bed, did things in bed with me like never before while I responded all in feeling messages, like Ohh this feels so good, I answered him yes that would feel good…etc…Even expressed myself about not wanting to be a girlfriend he even said to me: Let me ask you a question if I ask you to marry me would you marry me, would you say yes? I replied yes I would and then I repeated again because I don’t want to be a girlfriend, he then pointed out to me saying: You haven’t even gotten your divorce prepared yet and gave a big laugh, I said: It would feel great if the man who proposes to me would help me to get my divorce….he then said you want me to help you I have a good attorney who can do it, I said that would feel good…we then talked about other stuff….While having sex later the guy tried many times, and for long period of times to make me get an orgasm I just couldn’t…of course then I felt frustrated at my self and while in the process of making love (doggie style) My vagina had so much air in it because of me not having sex since we were apart, that when the air came out a few times I felt embarrassed and I pulled-away from him he then asked why was I pulling away I said I felt embarrassed he then said don’t be it’s a natural thing to happen, but I was already feeling frustrated for not having an orgasm, and of course had shoved down my frustration and kept smiling and acting like nothing was bothering me and there was…In the early morning hours we had sex again and Now since I had to get-up earlier than him…he then got up and while he was sitting in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. I felt so disconnected that It felt so cold, but yet I didn’t remember to express it to him in feeling messages and again I withdrew…He walked me to the door didn’t even kiss me just said: Be a good girl Keep in touch…when he knows very well that I don’t call him…Now what on God’s earth was that all about? I don’t get it…We were having so much fun!
    I felt so empty leaving him thinking he’s not going to call me ever again and not so soon anyway…
    Rori please help me! What do I do? How do I repair this? You said we would make mistakes and not for us to beat ourselves-up when we do, you said that mistakes are part of the process….What’s your take on this, please respond to this blog…thank you!

  51.  #51Trisha on November 17, 2008 at 10:29 am

    Dear Maria, it will be interesting to see how Rori responds to your letter. As for me, after i read it, it just made me feel even more certain not to have sex until i’m in the committed marriage i want. This guy knows where his free booty call is with you as far as i’m concerned. You were doing so well with your new found “degree of difficulty” until you gave in and went to his house for dinner. Maybe next time you can tell him to bring take out over to Your place or meet you at your favorite restaurant, if he wants to share dinner with you. The leaning back when you first arrived at his place was great, too bad you didn’t keep in that mode when you told him you “didn’t feel like having sex right now.” Had you left without going to bed with him i feel things would have definately went more your way. What if this is the only reason this guy keeps calling you? Why do we woman think having uncommitted sex with the men we love is the way to keep them?

  52.  #52Rori Raye on November 17, 2008 at 10:55 am

    Maria, First – you were doing amazing practice with him – all the feeling messages and not calling him…and when I get to the second part of this reply – please remember that I’m very proud of you for taking an opportunity and practicing – and I do NOT want you to use what I’m going to say to beat yourself up, okay?

    Yes, this was a booty call. And…until you are divorced, booty calls and men who only want booty calls is likely all you will get. No man who wants a commitment will show up until you are legally free.

    That said – what’s your best course in this situation? Exactly what Trisha said – if it’s going to be boyfriends and booty calls – MAKE THEM COME TO YOU. Your chief, number one, top-priority thing right now is to raise your self-esteem. Wherever and however you practice this is almost unimportant. Love, Rori

  53.  #53Maria on November 17, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    It’s me again you know I’m the same one who’s blog is the first one on this page…I feel so dissapointed…I feel like crying…after he had asked me for space he then finally calls me and I was feeling happy he did. Although now I feel angry…I feel hurt, I feel pain…I know he loves me we’ve been together for 1 1/2 years…I really believe that there’s hope for us Rori…I feel scared…I feel confused…I live with my mom that’s why he can’t come over to see me, although I love her my mom doesn’t like any one she’s a narcisist and likes to live alianated from everyone…no one is ever good enough for her man nor women…I had not gotten a divorce before because I couldn’t afford it I was out of work for almost 1 year been legally separated for 2 1/2 years…He knows my situation as a matter of fact in the first 6 months we were together he offered to pay,and at that time I told him I didn’t need his help that I could do it on my own…I was wondering Rori shouldn’t I give it some time to see where my relationship goes with him, and meanwhile continue to do the tools and also dating other guys? Thank you for your response…

  54.  #54KIrsten on November 17, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Rori –

    KIrsten says:

    My boyfriend of 2 years recently asked for some space. Which I am giving him. We started drifting a part probably 6 months ago. We did not talk about what was happening just started growing a part emotionally. I have been the one to contact him and ask him to do things and he has always said yes. I know at this point you suggest not initiating any contact with him. But I have a concern. During my marriage of 20 years I was sexually abused by my husband. I went thru 2 years of therapy to get through this and thought I had. But is wasn’t until I became intimate with my boyfriend that I noticed I had not worked thru everything. When he would initiate sex he would tell me to relax and to just enjoy it and that this could just be about me, but I was not comfortable with that. Soon, not really known to me, but I was taking charge, I initiated sex all the time, I never let him. I came to realize that by me laying there not being active in the sexual experience, not being in charge I felt the same feelings as I felt with my ex. I was so uncomfortable and uneasy. I ‘m pretty sure I took control, so I would not feel those feelings again of having no control. I definitely have a trust issue. I told my boyfriend about the abuse, but never told him how sex was making me feel. So, I was wondering if I should say something now. Or just follow your tools and do nothing and just show him I am changing instead of explaining that I want to change and I am trying to understand my feelings and working thru this issue. Please let me know your thoughts.

  55.  #55Mocha on November 18, 2008 at 7:52 am


    The question I have now is after going through all of your programs and putting them into practice what are we as women to do if the man that each one of us in this blog are speaking of decides that he does not want to commit but wants to remain friends. To me this looks like we were stepping stones and personally, I opt out of being friends because my thoughts are “if you didn’t want me in your life as your wife/partner why should I remain as a friend?” This really applies to men that I was enotionally invested. Men I just dated and felt they weren’t for me and what I need, I don’t have a problem remaining friends beause nothing was invested. Please advise wat your thoughts are on this.

  56.  #56Trisha on November 18, 2008 at 8:42 am

    Dear Mocha, Rori will always have the last say on advice. She has been practicing her tools for a long time and i am only a novice of them since last year. i’m here to tell you they work. i understand what you are feeling Mocha. When things didn’t work out in my second marriage of 5 years, i left. i didn’t want to be “friends” with him although it’s what he wanted. i had given up my singleness and invested so much of myself into him and the marriage. He was toxic and not knowing about Rori Raye’s Toxic Men program, i had no tools. i didn’t know anything else but to divorce him for my own peace of mind. It took three years before i let him be my “friend”. He tried many times to contact me, asked me to meet with him, etc. i moved on with my own life. His loudest cry was, “but did you have to DIVORCE me?!” The answer is “perhaps not” yet this is exactly what i am getting from what Rori is trying to teach us….LOVE YOURSELF. When things aren’t going the way we wish they would with a certain man…do the things that nourish you! Use the rock climbing tool, the looking out the window, the bridging, date yourself, feel the icky feelings and talk to them. i let my second husband go back in 2000. After the 3 year period of me repairing myself and getting on with my purposes for being on this earth, to this day we are “friends”. See yourself like Rori tells us…we are the Queens and the man needs us more than we need him. Use the tool of “he doesn’t exist unless he’s right in front of you or speaking with you on the telephone.” See him “waving to you in your imagination and sending you messages to learn from him and how not to get involved with someone like him in the future.” It’s all in Rori’s tool box and i thank God for them.

  57.  #57Mocha on November 18, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Trisha, Thank your for your response and yes I totally agree with all of the programs and have no problem with the advice. I truly believe in Loving myself and I make sure that is first an foremost for anyone. I also believe in nourishing myself by doing the things that make me happy. I feel that if your ex-husband’s loudest cry as you stated, “you didn’t have to divorce me” was he willing to be as invested as you were to repair the relationship during that time? Did he say to you that he didn’t want a divorce ans willing to see what went wrong and work at it? You say that to this day you and him are “friends”. How are you defining that? My feelings however are simply this, why be friends with someone that broke your heart and could not give you what you wanted. Especially after repairing myself, finding myself, what have you to reach a better place. Isn’t any realtionship based on the foundation of friendship first? After giving of myself to someone and finding out that they are toxic – why do I need that in my life period, to me I feel that isn’t being a good friend in the beginning, why are you looking to be a friend now? Just a thought. Maybe we should really think about what a friend means to us and that my sort out a lot of confusion. I trust my friends and have expectations of them. So a guy that I have a relationship with vs. dating we must develop a friendship first. So when things hit a point, then that means there’s a crack in the foundation that needs to be repaired. Or can it be repaired. If it can’t, I don’t seeing being friends as an option. I have allowed past men that I dated back into my life as friends but the difference with them is that they were not men that were on my radar to have a future with. My first love which offered my my first introduction to love and how it feels – we do not keep in touch. It’s best for both of us. He’s now married and I am happy for him, but being friends would not work because we have nothing to offer one another at this stage in oour lives – our connection was what it was.

  58.  #58Maria on November 18, 2008 at 10:59 am

    Trisha, in which Rori’s program are these tools that you’ve mentioned here; rock climbing and imagining your man waving? I have all of them except the; “Relationship Blueprint…thnx…

  59.  #59Trisha on November 19, 2008 at 9:19 am

    Dear Maria, my heart was broken, yes. After all, i was a very good wife but “overfunctioned” (as i know it to be thanks to Rori) way too much before i decided to pack up and leave. To watch him tear the marriage apart bec of his deep rooted issues was most painful and a time of scary upheaval and uncertainty. i repaired my heart through Forgiveness, Understanding and moving on with my life. Sure wish i had Rori’s tools back then; things would have gone easier. Like i said, i wouldn’t even talk to him for 3 years including not having him present when i got the divorce! Then one day (i don’t rem exactly what it was) we talked on the phone and bec i had moved on, we were able to talk about what happened (he is 7 years younger than me and perhaps this had a bearing on things). What i mean by “friends” is being there when i was (or will be) in great need. For example: he now lives in another state and visits here for holidays with his family. Some times we saw each other other times we didn’t. i had my house broken into twice in one month during the summer and when he happened to call me and found out, he sent me money…no strings attached. When i lost my job, he paid a month’s rent for me. You see Mocha, when two people have a love and concern for the other regardless of what happened in the past and they are willing to forgive and move on, friendship IS possible. We have both been with other people who didn’t understand this “friendship” yet they had to accept it bec this man and i will always care what happens to the other (this is what we have to offer each other). i assure you…there is NO way i would ever be married to him again in this life time! i am not a threat to anyone he becomes involved with.
    As for the other information i gave to you, i’ll have to dig them up and if it’s ok with Rori, i can give you my email address and i can email you the information. i’m pretty sure it’s from the Relationship Connect. Let me know. i hope i’ve answered your question and shed a ray of hope.

  60.  #60Trisha on November 19, 2008 at 9:26 am

    My apologies my last letter is in response to Mocha and the last part about the information is to Maria.

  61.  #61Maria on November 19, 2008 at 9:45 am

    Trisha, I also have a great friendship with my ex-husband we do the same when he needs something I do it for him, and he does the same for me…Now the difference in my situation is that he’s still hung-up on me…hopefully he’ll meet someone and go on…and I agree with you we will always be friends too. I still love him but am not in love with him and will never go back to him either….thanks for sharing….

  62.  #62Mocha on November 19, 2008 at 10:22 am

    Thanks Maria and Trish, thank your for both your responses. It seems that both of the men in your lives – based on your stories – that are now your friends are functioning as they should have when you all were together. I guess what I’m struggling with is is it because there is no longer any pressure to be intimate as well as any expectations that allows a friendship or is it that a frienship was never present at the beginning of the relationship? Maybe depending on how my “uncertain” situation turns out, being friends can be an option years later. I just can’t see how and why a man that I was in love with and wanted to spend my life with can suddenly want to be friends and be there for me after the fact. I guess everyone sees things differently. As Maria stated her ex is still “hooked” so is he doing these things looking to come back or is it genuine?

  63.  #63Maria on November 19, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Good point Mocha sometimes I think he’s doing this bc he wants me back, but at the same time though we’ve always been like that w/eachother when we were married…I tell you sometimes I miss him like crazy we were married for 21 years, and have a 19 year old son together…I guess your question would be, then why aren’t you guys together? well he had a heart attack, then started suffering from cronic depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, and diabetes…I never thought in a million years it would’ve ended this way…for 8 years I put up with it…he didn’t want to go back to work (doctor said he could) basically gave-up on everything and of course I picked-up the overfunctioning. My life turned into a NIGHTMARE He would throw tantrums you name it he changed completely just simply gave-up! we fought like cats and dogs, was very verbally abusive also! I couldn’t handle it….that should sum it all up! Sometimes it’s very hard for me because I feel so guilty about leaving him, and he does throw it on my face, but now with Rori’s tools I can go deep down into the dark and walk through and embrace it all….thnx

  64.  #64Mocha on November 19, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Maria, you guys were married andhave children, it makes sense to be friends. I feel that if two people make a go at dating and it doesn’t work out after all the time and energy has been invested, it doesn’t make sense to be friends. Like I said before, a few guys that I dated that I knew they weren’t right for me being friends was OK. For instance, a guy I dated 10 years ago – it was not serious – recently got in contact with me and wants to hang out. He’s married and suggested us sleeping together; I’m sure just having fun getting a drink or two time to tome is included in the deal but I feel his main purpose is to get some. I said that will not happen and now I’m thinking what’s the purpose of being friends – I wasn’t thought about when you decided to get married so why am I good enough to sleep with when your wife isn’t putting out?

    So now I’m thinking about my “uncertain” man – if after all this time he decides that a commitment isn’t what he wants – why be friends?

  65.  #65Maria on November 19, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Mocha you’re absolutely right I agree with you on this…
    thanks for sharing

  66.  #66Suzanne Wickenden on November 20, 2008 at 9:43 am

    I am not sure what to do about this. My NOW fiance still stays in touch with his EX gf’s mom. He has been helping her redo her bathroom at her home and it just really bothers me. I have told him how I feel about it and he tells me that I will just have to deal with it. He is done with the bathroom, but I know that he still talks to her as well as the EX gf, she works within the same Company that he does and actually we might be moving back to the town where they meet and work as well. I know that he loves me and that we are going to be married, but I just have this insecure feeling with it comes to her and her mom. I do NOT like the idea of him working with her again.

    WHAT DO I DO ??????


  67.  #67Trisha on November 20, 2008 at 11:52 am

    Dear Mocha, You said, “I wasn’t thought about when you decided to get married so why am I good enough to sleep with when your wife isn’t putting out?”
    Right here is what i’m talking about with relationships. First of all, you have to see (and feel) yourself as BETTER then enough to sleep with him! Sex always stands out like it’s the most important part of being with a man. i’ve learned to say “NO!” esp after reading Rori’s Mantra’s about boundries and what’s his business and what’s ours. i certainly don’t expect every woman out there to Not have sex until they are in a committed marriage (although this IS the original plan) bec they just don’t understand the repercussions of their choice. For me, i have set this as a boundry and my boyfriend respects me all the more for it. He is willing to wait. What this also produces is all that sexual energy is being redirected into different aspects of the relationship. This is working for me bec it shows me how much he really wants to be the one who “wins” me. He has made it very clear he wants to “step up to the plate” and has been making changes in baby steps over this past year. Can you imagine a man NOT having sex with someone he truly loves? Mocha, it’s a beautiful thing to be in a relationship with someone who is forsaking every other woman to be with YOU. The stronger i hold on to want i want to happen and use Rori’s tools, the stronger the relationship is getting bec he sees i am not reverting back to where i was when we first met (allowing myself to be a receptacle for his frustrated body fluids!) So… you have to see yourself as BETTER than a booty call. The “high” is the Freedom you feel when you love and respect yourself MORE.

  68.  #68Trisha on November 20, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    Dear Suzanne, go to the part of Rori’s blog which deals with Jealousy. You need to read back over this section where i address this very issue where others have had to accpt my “friendship” with an ex husband. You have to deal with any self esteem issues before fear has a chance to get to you. Jealousy is the “fear”of losing something or someone. Envy is strongly desiring what someone else has. When you follow Rori’s programs,you will become so strong in your OWN essence, the other woman will become a mere shadow and we all know…shadows can’t hurt us.

  69.  #69Mocha on November 20, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    To Trisha: I always have seen myself more than a booty call. If the booty call is to be made it will be made by me! lol. I have never had an issue with telling any man NO – if I don’t want to have sex then that’s the bottom line we will not. I was only using that scenario as a point as to why I feel being friends with someone that a person used to date can be a no-no. A man will try to see what he can get away with. We as women have to learn to respect ourselves and honor our boundaries; if we don’t how cna we expect someone else to honor them. This guy is very clear on the no sex thing – if he chooses to still want to hang out and catch up that’s fine but if I FEEL that he is only doing it to see if I’ll bend and have sex with him then it’s a done deal. ANd trust me, he will push the issue and if his friendship is genuine then he will stop pushing and just accept the terms; if he flees then OH WELL!!

  70.  #70Maria on November 20, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Trisha you mean to tell me that you used to have sex w/your man b4 then became “High Degree Difficult” and he’s still around? WOW! girlfriend I never knew it could be possible really…now I have hope with m/man…and if he decides to walk oh well…by then I think I’ll be ready for anything…Thank you Trisha you don’t know how much this means to me it’s like a light bolb went off my head….Bless you all beautiful women….

  71.  #71Trisha on November 20, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Maria, i met my boyfriend (well actually he calls me his fiance and we are now talking more seriously about marriage) 4 yrs ago BR (before Rori) i had just broken up from a 3 yr relationship and was an emotional MESS! i was out trying to “forget” about him when J came over and asked me to dance. He could be Billy Dee Williams twin brother…very handsome African American with the most polite manners and very nicely dressed. He didn’t stalk me or pressure me in any way. We wound up talking till 4 in the morning over several cups of tea. i told him, right up front, about the breakup and how i wasn’t interested in starting up another one. He asked me if i was “still in love” with the other man and i said, “Yes.” J quickly replied,”Well, i’ll take my chances.”
    i seriously did not think it was gonna go anywhere. See, i was “high degree of difficulty” before i even knew what that meant. i didn’t know he was Toxic either. He kept his gambling addiction hidden for 2 yrs. i kept fighting with him, yelling,begging, accusing and pushing him away every chance i got! i was doing all the things Rori tells us NOT to. When he first asked me to marry him last year, i gave the ring back bec i didn’t trust him (or myself for that matter) and this caused him hurt and anger so his revenge was to go out with someone else. At first i didn’t care but as the time went on (6 mo. all together), i missed his sincere caring, loving gentleness, authentic goodness and esp, his boyish smile. This was around the time i found Rori’s website and i’ve been following her advice ever since. By the time he came back to me…i was a different person. It felt really strange practicing the tools on him. The first one i used was Leaning Back. i was so delighted to watch it work right away, i couldn’t wait to use all the other ones! lol i set my boundry of no more sex LAST December. i thought this would be the greatest test of his love for me. This man is so turned around it blows MY mind! The only time i would call him was if it was a real emergency (like when my house was broken into!) He would call ME (and still does) up to 4 times a day when he knows i’m home. He would call me so much on the cell, i stopped bringing it around with me. Maria….YES!!! There is hope. The main point though, is how I changed. i joined dance classes, writing classes, teach myself piano and guitar, go do what i have to do FOR ME! i’ve learned to use silence, breathing, feeling my feelings, my imagination, stopped over functioning, i don’t go to him, buy him stuff (like i used to), i hardly even cook. He knows i would never even consider just living together bec i know i am worth more. Thanks to Rori, i’ve learned to thank myself and appreciate the uniqueness and specialness of me, Trisha, the one woman this man feels so good to be with. There are many more physically attractive and younger women then myself but they are not ME!
    Listen, i could go on and on about the success i’ve had listening to Rori Raye. i hope someday i will actually get to meet her and give her a big HUG! The amazing thing about all of this is how once you see how it all works, it sticks to you without the fear of falling back to your old ways. You won’t LET it bec it feels so damn good to have things going towards the “happy ever after”. Look at Rori…she’s still going strong after 20 yrs!! God bless us all.

  72.  #72Maria on November 21, 2008 at 6:00 am

    Oh my God Trisha you don’t know how you have made my day by speaking your testimony here….I feel so blessed to have found Rori and you wonderful women…Bless you all!!!

  73.  #73Aspengirl on November 21, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    I have been in the same relationship for 6 years. He is not a perfect man, but he is a good one. In the last two years, we found out my 6 year old son was being hurt by a boy at his dad’s house. (and I don’t mean hurt like fighting either) Everything went on hold to protect my son, and remove him from the house of evil. In June of this year, I came home to an empty house. He was gone. No note, no clue, just gone. He came back later and said he could not leave that way. He moved back in, stating that ‘he needs to live in the bed of his truck’ but he does not want to upset the court case for my son. He says he liked it when I would do what I wanted with my friends, but then he gets mad if I go out. He comes and goes, but I know living with a man I love dearly (still) and feeling him leave is the most horrible feeling in the universe. I have asked him to sleep on the couch-it is hard to sleep in the same bed, you know? He won’t. I have asked him what we can do-he says he doesn’t know why he feels like this, but he knows he needs to live in his truck. He has stopped paying any portion of the bills, and we owe a TON of money to my mom. (and I owe a TON to my lawyer as well!!!) I am so lost, I want him here, I want him gone, I want us to work together, and I hope he drops dead. I am a very direct person, and passive aggresive crap freaks me out-Which emotion is real? I woudl appreciate any advice or help anyone could give..Thank you

  74.  #74Trisha on November 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    Dear Aspengirl, i am no expert only a novice and in apprenticehip with Rori Raye’s programs for the past year. i have a boyfriend of 4 yrs and refused to have us move in together. This works for me as i want a husband in marriage more than a live=in lover. My man is also a “good” man and i have put up with his toxicity more than i really want to. He pulls the passive aggressive nonsense as well. Through all the advice Rori gives, i am coming upon new levels of wisdom and revelations with each “bump in the road.” For instance…
    my man has a gambling addiction and i didn’t know it for the first 2 yrs i was dating him (read more about this above). Since using Rori’s tools, i have come to realize my personal worth (which is more than rubies thank you very much!) and how he needs me more than i need him at this point. i have made so many changes in myself, his respect continued to grow. He does really good when he’s in councelling but once he stops…all his quiet desperation explodes and there goes his paycheck into the casino toilet bowl. Here’s what i’m learning and perhaps it will help you as well…i’m begining to feel i have been “falsely” attracted to this man. i’m starting to feel his “kindness” and financial help is really quilt. His smiles are a mask and the “i love you” is something he just says to be”nice”. In other words, he is NOT authentic but has serious underlying deceitfulness, including lying and sneaking around. False attraction to someone still FEELS GOOD and always will even if the relationship is turning into a pile of ashes! Since being enlightened by Rori, i see things differently now…my man does not share the same financial values as i do, we don’t communicate on the same levels either. he’s emotional and i’m logical. His kisses don’t have any passion and i am starving for that. So….i have a big choice to make don’t i? The reason i let him back in my life was his “kindness and gentleness and him always looking out for me” and now with this latest “slip” back into the casino (last night to be exact), i am right back not wanting anything to do with him. Like you, right now i could care less if he dropped dead! Bec i am raising up my self esteem, my eyes and heart are opening more and more to the falseness of this relationship. Why would i want to marry a man who is so irresponsible and untrustworthy? i’m learning to feel my feelings clearer and clearer and with latest incidence, it doesn’t feel good being around him so i told him the whole thing didn’t feel good to me it was making me sick and to leave me alone for awhile. i had so much anger last night yet i was able to keep it under control with Rori’s tools. Oh, he’ll be back yet it’s now going to have to be up to me whether i want to keep going. Right now, this being the day after, i DON’T want it. i feel i deserve so much better than this. i’ve gone through this before and took him back yet with each time, my insight is awakened to the lack of trueness in this man. It’s like this whole relationship has been some kind of an illusion. You will have to make some serious choices yourself. We’re all here for you.

  75.  #75Becca on November 24, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Trisha – you have so much power now! I really enjoyed reading your story, you are doing so well with Rori’s tools. I can only hope that I will be strong enough to make my own choices for myself oneday too instead of feeling weak and sad as I often do.
    Aspengirl – hugs to you! I really hope everything works out. If you haven’t gone there already, I have found that Rori’s power and self esteem posts on this blog really help, otherwise I find that a good way to sort out what I’m feeling and work through it is to write it down in a journal. Riffing… just writing down everything and anything I feel or that comes to mind. Hope this helps.


  76.  #76Trisha on November 25, 2008 at 10:17 am

    Dear Becca, Yes it feels very EMpowering to be able to go into my “tool box” and have a choice of different ones to choose from and selecting the one that will work the best in a particular situation. At one time the only help i reached for was a drink to make everything “go away”. Only thing was…it made everything WORSE! At this time i want to state my belief in something even more powerful than a Rori Raye toolbox (and i certainly mean no disrespect to her as i am very grateful TO her) and this is …the Creator of the Universe who uses the “creations” in ways which help us to ultimately thank HIM. i use the “eat the chicken and spit out the bones” tool as well. i don’t believe in putting ALL my trust in my Self or in any One human being who is open to as much temptation and vulnerability as anyone else. i have nasty parts of my SELF that would love it if i gave up and went back to destructive ways. i was feeling so weak a year ago i thought i would die if this man wasn’t in my life. It was as if, i had put everything i thought I was, into… who he was! Like he had become the center of the universe. It’s no wonder everything fell apart. This man is NOT my saviour. In my weakness, i felt God was not hearing me and giving me what I wanted( bec i was hurting so horribly) yet, i believe HE got me to Rori’s website. i started using some of the tools and they worked. Circumstances have changed again like i said in my last post and yes…i thank my SELF for loving me enough NOW to not allow these circumstances to keep me from the truth (making this man out to be more than he actually is- this was the UNtruth i was walking in.) It’s as if we all come to the Light at different stages and times in our lives. i may use my imagination in other ways in conjuction with what Rori suggests and, give more credit to a higher source than the ego hungry Self yet the bottom line is…if something is NOT working you have to find something that DOES. Please don’t think i’m using this blog as a platform for Trisha’s beliefs over those of Rori Raye… i simply advocate a Balance in who and what we put our faith and trust in. i feel Rori and what she’s been through is also being used as a “tool”. She shares her experience and give us strength and hope. We are all here to help one another out. i believe you, Becca, will come to your own sense of feeling EMpowered by knowing what is the Truth of the relationship and what is the Illusion (imaginary) and getting to the place of cooperating (parterning) with something greater than your own feelings (they have a tendency to fool us) i have found even the False attractions we have to a man feel AS good as the True ones! For me, the power comes in overcoming the fears and doubts and deciding by your own free will…do i want it or i don’t want it!

  77.  #77Mocha on November 26, 2008 at 8:00 am

    Trisha, That was well put and I to feel that God directed me to Rori Raye’s tools in addition to other relationship coaches like Christian Carter who is featured in one of the interview CD’s. Another book that has guided me though this process is “The New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. I’m begininning to empower myself in regards to the dating world and finding out what I want and not being afraid to state it up front. This way there is nothing invested if things don’t flow. I’m finding most men I attract are in a “not ready” stage and honestly that’s not my problem. Why should I go with the flow to see what happens and invest time, energy and emotions to olnly hear at the end, “I told you in the beginning I wasn’t ready for anything committed.” I’m really paying attention to men’s words and actions. Most men are great with wanting the basis of an exclusive relationship but not willing to go the distance and becoming exclusive. Is that fair to us ? No and that’s how we fall into the imaginary relationship that Rori talks about.

    Recently an ex from 3 years ago called me last night (actually we’ve been talking since we broke up and actually have sex) and he said to me he is looking for his future wife. I told him I didn’t want to hear all of that and he asked why. I told him I just didn’t and he said it could be you. My response was it could be but your attitude has to change for it to be me. I also told him that a year from the date he needs to put a ring on my finger if he wants it to be me. See, at this point, I have given him my fill of love and emotions and he wasn’t appreciative. Our relationship now is one of sex once a month and that works because I wasn’t feeling him any more than that. I will always love him and want the best for him but I did not see a future with him because he hasn’t grown up. He says that he is beginning to mature and I told him that actions speak louser than words so you have a year to show and prove.

    My ex that prompted me to really seek out Rori ( the one I posted my story a month back) I do not talk to him unless he reaches out to me and that is basically a joke email occassionally. I was thinking about him yesterday and thought to myself here is another adult manchild that is ambivalent and unsure hence our uncertain status. I’m really thinking do I even want him back now. As the saying goes actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are non-existent. Not sure how our uncertain status will change but I can’t drive myself crazy worrying about it. As I told him, the ball is in his court to make a decsion but in the meantime I have a life to live with or without him as Trisha stated in her last post by not making him my world. My therapist told me the other night that I am definitely maturing and recognizing what I want and don’t want and the only way that has began to happen for me is by dating other men instead of pinning over my uncertain guy and the status we are currently in. As it’s been suggested by many relationship experts “DO YOU!”

  78.  #78Linda on December 2, 2008 at 5:39 pm

    I have been reading this total topic here. Interesting stuff. I have been involved with a man for over two years who is I now see is toxic. He has bipolar that runs in his family too.
    We have been together almost 3 years. We lived together most of that time. They were wonderful for the most part.. but he began distancing himself. He moved out but continued to call, text but it was different. He kept communication on the level of friendship.. Not long after he moved out, I found out via “hickies” on his neck that he was seeing someone else. He was not sorry about it but said it meant nothing. It did to me ! I should have sent him packing but I could not understand why he would do that and still want to be around. I was stupidly unwilling at that point to throw in the towel on this man. We tried to muddle thru but it was strained. I finally could not take it anymore knowing he was playing me along and I cried no matter what I tried to do say tears would not stop flowing. I did not want a relationship like this and I told him so….His response:”I need to take a break from our relationship” and would “be in touch”. I said so you are walking away? he said no.

    I accepted the change all the while missing him deeply.The good parts of him but not the latest version of himself. I have read lots of things here and other places and gave him his space.. no pushing no calling, pleading, no texting… I worked on myself, got centered. Was working out, lost some weight (now up to 22 pds) and got a tan. I planned my contact with him. Because I needed to get my power back not let him be in control of me by using his words when he left me…”I’ll be in touch”! I broke a 3 week silent streak with a voice message that said I thought today was as good a day as any to break the silence between us and that if you chose not to respond that was okay. ( truely did not care if he responded I called for myself because it felt like a infantile game) He responded quickly via text saying Good to hear from me and would be nice to talk some time…. he called later in the week. He suggested we made plans to see each other later in the week. He brought pizza and we played cards.. had a great time. He wanted to do it again sometime. I said sure and left the ball in his court. He began texting me every morning. I would respond. We did not see each other again for a week. His birthday was coming and on that day I sent a Happy birthday text and left a hand written sign on his car window. He replied with a big thankyou. Later in a call I placed I wished him a fun time with whatever he was doing for his birthday.. he said nothing.. hmmm I offered dinner but had a special outing in mind if he had agreed for the following day. We did both.. had an awesome time The ice man was melting he went from cold and dististant to warming up… even wanting to snuggle. I used feeling messages etc. tried the leaning back it worked he leaned in… Later that evening he intiated snuggling and we fell asleep in each others arms.. no sex. The next evening after a great fun day together..we had dinner some wine and well one thing led to another and my no sex theory vanished….but all was going so well. Texting more etc. Even called me and he ended the conversation with I love you! WOW Through Thanksgiving we maintained contact via text, Then when he was coming back to town.. feeling more confident.. I asked what he was doing when he got back.. He was cold again!… he was said he would call when he got in town. I did not hear so I called and he did not answer his phone. The pattern was back ! I was angry no more bury and stuff.. and I sent a text saying I thought it was rude to not attempt any communication… and that I did not deserve that told him that it made me feel unimportant and was that was he meant to convey? I figured if I did not state clearly what I expected he would not respect me. His response was. Yes it was rude and he was sorry but he had been feeling pursued and pressured to feel and say things that were not in his heart . He said that he loved me as a “dear friend” but was not in love with me and he sought space and solitude to seek his true feelings !! sorry to hurt me!. What a coward not even a face to face talk. Pursued and pressured?? I may have guided but followed his lead. I did not twist his arm! What a cop out! I will not contact him again, but have a feeling he will me. I dont know.

    While I love him deeply more than I thought I had a capacity to love anyone..but I have to say enough is enough. There is nothing but pain and tears. No matter the approach I get the same result. Any suggestions?

  79.  #79Lynn on December 2, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Ok. At least all of you got some answer of why it was over. I have been with this person for 2 years and 6 months. He is an alcoholic and stood by his side all theses years. I know at the end I became “nagging” to him and voice my opinions of what should be done ect ect. We have been on and off through the whole relationship. The longest was for over 2 months. We had gotten back together after the 2 month and he said he never wanted to leave me and that he realize I was important to him ect ect…. so now we are back in the same boat, but this time it is different. One day he just stop calling,texting, and emailing. He never said “good bye”. It has been a month since I have heard from him. How could he do this to me? I tried to call him, text him, and I finally emailed him a “good bye” letter. How sad to do it through email, but he didn’t give me a chance to say it face to face. I dare not go find him and ask why. Why should I. At time I am so sad of why he didn’t tell me face to face. 🙁 Very hurt.

  80.  #80Lynn on December 2, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Linda..wow I feel your pain. I too am in the same boat. I have not contacted mine though. It’s hard, but I have to think of myself first this time and let him be. I do love mine too, but I can’t go on playing his “mind games”. He has hurt me enough and I know he has too much pride to contact me ever again. I know I am playing games along with him-BUT I had his number blocked from my phone so I don’t know if he ever calls or texts. I was having a hard time with my phone -checking it every 5 minutes to see if he text the first two weeks, after awhile it was hard- so I did myself a favor and blocked his phone number as well as his email address. I do not need this in my life – I love myself too much, but I know it is hard at times, but you have to mean it when you say “enough is enough”. I always threaten to leave him, but never did. He did me a favor and left me. I hope you are feeling better.

  81.  #81Trisha on December 3, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Dear Linda: when we are IN the midst of the situation it’s so hard to SEE the truth bec our emotions are clouded by deception. i feel you are at the level of hurting as i was over a year ago. i was so attracted to my boyfriend that i didn’t SEE we were a train wreck waiting to happen. People would stop us on the sidewalk telling us how “good” we “looked together.” In retrospect, i always felt our style of communicating was not meshing yet it felt SO good to be with him AND at the time, i was starving for attention and love. This guy has had 4 failed marriages, 3 kids somewhere out there, drove a crap car yet his “masks” kept me wanting him back. See, at first if we are not AWARE of our TRUE feelings inside of us, we allow the good feelings (even though they are false attractions) to keep us deceived. We keep hoping and wishing and praying and expecting the relationship to change and although it may appear that way for a while (as you found out) the pattern is still there. Why are we so surprised when it happens? They are being and doing what they know to do and be. Perhaps through your pain and fear you will be able to center yourself long enough to get another perspective on things. Seeing things never really felt quite real or right. Like they were off balance but you hung in there anyway, like i did. Did you ever honestly feel a TRUE heart connection with this guy? Not just from yourself either. Perhaps you two never went deep enough into your cores. Somewhere along the way you two were not connecting. i notice you lost your “no sex therory” when alcohol was a part of the night. i’ve experienced it goes together like peanut butter and jelly!
    My man might have looked good on the outside yet the TRUTH was (and still is) he did nothing to support my emotional well being. i love what Rori said,”Never EVER be exclusive with a man UNTIL you have what you want in terms of commitment and feel totally secure and to turn your attention to yourself.”
    Until we take this advice and use it, we will continue to be mislead, overlook the masks, be off balance, mismatched, hoping and praying for them to change (we can only change our own perspectives).
    We need to “wake up”. As you found out Linda, even after he called you back, spent time with you and said some nice stuff….the TRUE pattern (which was always
    there) resurfaced. You were so surprised. The Reality of it all still reared itself to the surface. I am feeling it safe to say you and this guy are not the best for each other. For me, rejection is a GOOD thing. It lets me know either i’m too wonderful for them or they are not compatable with me. When our perceptions are distorted, we wind up so hurt and fragmented. i feel it’s time for you to start using Rori’s tools and doing things differently then you have in the past. “To GET what you’ve never had you have to DO what you’ve never done.” Pause… and think about this.

  82.  #82Mocha on December 3, 2008 at 11:36 am

    To Trisha: Thanks and I couldn’t agree with you more!
    I would like to add that we as women also have the “things will be different with me if…” Meaning, I recently went to Atlanta to go on a date with a college mate of mine that I always liked but we travelled in different circles. The date went well and of course he wanted to have sex. He all along knew he didn’t want a long distance relationship nor could he have committed to a long distance sexual thing. I know this because we talked and I listened. I did think at first – hey I can have sex and he will change his mind. But it’s safe to say that no we did not have sex. So my point is that we tend to disillusion ourselves thinking we can change a man’s mind.

    This was something I experienced with my “uncertain” man. All of his past relationships never amounted to anything further. He told me that there was one girl he would have married had she being willing to wait a little longer. Another relationship he stated that he wasn’t ready for a commitment and said that if the woman would have waited to see what was going to happen he may have been ready. So this is the pattern and yes I am stuck in the middle – waiting to see if he will come around. Don’t get me wrong, I am dating and living life but as you see I say my “uncertain” man because that’s how things have been left – no I don’t want anything with you or yes I do – a holding pattern. It’s been said that a man will not tell the truth even if it’s the best thing to do. Right now his actions are speaking volumes and we have not spent any time together nor have we communicated in any form in over two weeks. And I feel that a joke email doesn’t require much thought so it’s safe to say we haven’t really communicated.

    I’m in a better place and have accepted that it is what it is with this situation. And as Trisha says, do something different – I do not reach out to this man in any way unless it is to respond back to him. Also, I’m taking my time, being more conscious.

  83.  #83Maria on December 3, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    Bommers man…I drank a little bit too much last night and as soon as I got home I called the idiot up and of course he didn’t pick-up…and being another bigger idiot myself I left him 3 voice mails….urrrrrrrrrhhhhh! I feel so angry at myself…and all the while I thought well I’ll just leave him feeling messages…how lame! this morning when I looked at my phone on calls I’ve made after noticing my drama queen act…urrrrrrrrhhh! I just wanted to die, really…don’t even remember what I said either….all day I’ve been beating myself-up…and he’s probably laughing it off….did anyone of you ever done this? how about driving at night pass his house? oh man, oh man…it’s like a drug or something?

  84.  #84Linda on December 4, 2008 at 5:03 am

    Thanks for your comments. The man I wrote about.. he and I did go deep into our cores as you asked Trisha. I have never been there with anyone in my life. He did support me emotionally. He asked me what I needed, how I was, would not let me say “fine”, would look deeply into my eyes and searched to make sure I was telling the truth. He even said to me.. after I said wow you blow my mind with all the ways you love me. He said, I wake up every morning and ask myself “how can I love Linda today, how can I bless her?” I fell sooo deeply in love with him.

    I think he feels insecure and inadequate and really found what he was looking for in me and it scared him. He said to me recently that he was afraid of loving and being loved. But, no matter what I did or said or did not do he distanced himself. I am in love with him, the best version of himself, but there are things I can not live with. Lieing, dishonesty, etc. He said he needed to seek out his true feelings, but I suppose as far as I am concerned he has done that. It hurts so much to not be loved by him. He drew me out and dropped me. He probably does not even give me a thought or feel bad at all. I am trying to move on but it is as if my soul is tied to him. I try to convience myself that it was all counterfiet. My battle consumes me.

    I will not contact him, I have more respect than that for myself. He still has stuff at my house ! Ughhh. I need help!!!

  85.  #85Linda on December 4, 2008 at 5:31 am

    To add to my latest comment. I wanted to say that I was pursued by him for months before I openned up to him. Yes I had needs. Came out of a long passionless marriage 27 years !… He too. (25 years) I did not go into this as a fling.. he knew because I clearly articulated it to him and what was my goal was. He said he wanted the same thing. I also wanted to add that the connection we had for over a year was not one sided. I dont know how anybody could keep up such a convincing act it it was one… if you could see the things he wrote.. oh my! At any rate I do think at this point in time he is the loser here. He is the one that is decieved and sees me as a trap or a end to something I dont know.

    I wish I could afford some of the packages that Rori offers here. All I can do is read the blog and try to piece together what to do. I am living on my own now and have just enough to make it monthly. I appreciate your words and help.

  86.  #86Mocha on December 4, 2008 at 6:47 am


    I have done all of the things you have mentioned when I was not where I am today. Yes and I have beat myself up over it. It’s OK girl! It happens – just chalk it up to a temporary moment of insanity!

  87.  #87Trisha on December 4, 2008 at 9:07 am

    Dear Linda, Please believe me when i tell you i WAS where you ARE! More than once i might confess. Until i worked through my fears and saw through new perceptions could i get myself to a higher ground.
    i, too, am unable to purchase Rori’s awesome packages (they are priced way to high for my simple cashier job paycheck) so i have grown from the emails and this blog. Thank God Rori gives generously in these areas. Keep reading them no matter what. It might take longer but time is what you have right now. Take the baby steps like she suggests.
    Listen, like you, i know the challenge of the pursuit the man takes until he conquers his quest. Like i said before, if you’ve got false attractions going on like i DID, everything feels good in the beginning until…the true ones always come to the surface. FEAR has to be dealt with. Fear, i have experienced, is the main obstacle to a healthy relationship. Fear of being alone, fear of not saying or doing the right thing, fear he’s only using us, fear you won’t accept each other for who you really are, OH …i could go on and on. When you can embrace that fear, acknowledge it and see THROUGH IT…you will then thank yourself (and whatever higher energy you believe in). It’s not about ignoring it or trying to push it away. Rori advises to see yourself as a fountain where the water is always replenishing itself. Being the “pond” , you get to a place where every resource you NEED is WITHIN YOU.
    i used to have melt downs every other day over a year ago. The emotional loss (addiction to him) was almost more than i could bear. i missed all his attention, his caring, his boyish smile, his helping hand, his soft spoken “Hey baby” when he’d call. Again, i could go on and on. My focus was on him, not on me. It was almost as if i didn’t matter. Then i started the beating up on myself over all the things i did or might have done.
    Linda, if you pray…pray for strength and the desire to go to a higher place. You will see things differently once you get THROUGH this painful process of letting go (this doesn’t mean you don’t CARE) and creating new boundries for yourself. Please LEARN from all this bec to me, this is what it’s all about. With every goodbye…we LEARN.
    As for feeling like you are “tied” to him….it’s called a “soul tie” which comes in through sex. When we join ourselves in this most intimate way it “ties” us to them. We GIVE (intertwine) ouselves into them. This is why i cut the sex OFF last year. This year, not being shackled to him through sex, i have grown in leaps and bounds. Geez, when i think about how many times i gave in to sleeping with the man i was in love with at the time, it’s no wonder i felt fragmented and torn apart. There was a piece of me all over the place. Anyway, that’s each person’s choice. For me~ no commitment~ no sex.
    My healing thoughts go out to you, Linda and that you will continue to move forward, work through the fears and you will find yourself in a most contented, peaceful, joyful and victorious place. i know, bec i’m there.

  88.  #88Linda on December 5, 2008 at 5:19 am


    I am sure there is a new higher place. The emotional loss is something I have been working through since August. My attachment was so strong… I no longer crave him. Yes I was focused on him but under that layer was me ! and my goals. I dont need him but desire him still.

    In light of everything I still feel he deep down is a good man and that is the man that I love and want. We were the best of companions, emotionally connected, intimately bonded, talked about everything, hobbies, work ethics, spending habbits, faith, backgrounds, lifestyles. Compatible to the inth degree! It is hard for me to give up on this man It is HIS FEAR that is an issue here. He said to me more than once if you really knew me would you still like/love me. Finally he said he knew that I would. I created an atmosphere of trust and he knew that. Under all this stuff is a man who is insecure, feels inferior and worthless. He does not love or respect himself nor do his children sadly. I can not rescue him but am a strong woman and would/could help support. He bailed. I know. He walked from what he said to me..and I quote…. A beautiful woman inside and out and the best thing that has ever happened to him. He is the one with the problems that has to be worked out.

    I am not afraid. Never was. I know how to be alone, lived that way for years in my marriage. Do I want to be alone no, but it no longer drives me to settle for anyone or any type of attention good or bad. My ex husband never closed the door to me. We remain friends and he still loves me. If I was afraid I would/could “run home”. I am not going to do that. It is not best for me.

    I press into God and talk. I know about soul ties. If I am tied to him why is he not tied to me? Is he? perhaps that is what keeps the cycle going. I pray every day for God to sever it but it remains. I feel like I have been living in a vat of poison and at least my head is above it and clearing now. My heart should be so hidden in God that a man will have to seek God to find it. In my attempt to make things work out with us O got lost and lost my healthy focus. Through this I have drawn lots of new boundries, discovered what is really important to me. The whole package has to be offered for me to yeild and commit down the road. Will thing between us change. Is it possible yes. All things are possible. Will it happen I dont know. Do I still want it to Absolutely.! Waiting is not inactive. I will get my feet under me and keep walking. Thanks for listening and responding.

    I am no spring chicken but I got LOTS of great wisdom and love to offer. I have to believe I will be treasured because I treasure me. I am thankful for who I am but sad that I have been rejected for now by someone who I loved with all my heart and actually still do. I am looking for the whole package.. passion, trust and commitment and I believe it will happen if not.. there is no point getting up every day.

    I am looking for the tools to improve myself this is a great place to learn those. I will combine those with the faith I have always had in God the author of love and see what happens.

  89.  #89Linda on December 8, 2008 at 5:00 am

    Lynn… You did get an answer. I watched a movie the other night. There was a line in it spoken by an achololic. They said. Us acholoics are into hurting ourselves and causeing our own pain. In that mode.. nothing else matter. It is not until the person who is sick sees it an wants better that they can love. We cant rescue anybody. Supporting them may seem the way to go but… they wont see it like that. Even though it is the truth. Sicknesses like that distort truth and everything looks different to the person that is sick. Often times.. our battles point to our deficiencies and they beg for our attention that is the result of pain, It causes fruit in our lives. We can either heed it and respond or stuff and bury. Moving on does not mean you dont care. Who knows the the next day brings for us. Look for what you want and draw your boundries. Then hold on to what is most important and live. If this person gets well.. then reassess the relationship. If not that is his loss.

  90.  #90Trisha on December 8, 2008 at 9:47 am

    Dear Linda, i so agree with you about the person being sick and stuffing and burying and punishing themselves. i know FIRST HAND!
    It’s ANY addiction. My boyfriend of 4 years is sick with compulsive gambling. i didn’t know about it for 2 years. Read my story above sometime.
    i had to see the whole relationship through the place within myself called Unconditional Love and let it bring me to the place of setting new boundries. This man gets help when he’s totally flushed his entire paycheck down the casino toilet bowl.
    The anger i felt was hurting ME! He would actually think by telling me he did it again, i would continue on with the relationship.
    This is a relationship i truly wanted. His essence is kindness and giving and i loved him so much i kept letting him come back. Like you say, until they “seek the help they need and SEE they are sick….”
    He came by the other day and i used my feelings words. The visit was short lived and before he left, he reached out his arms to hug me. i leaned back and said,” J, i love you and i don’t want your hug.” He was like, “what??”
    i set new boundries for myself and kept to them. He couldn’t believe i didn’t NEED or want one of his hugs.
    He’s called me several times and i do not return them. Either this guy gets some real help or he can move on.
    Perhaps with this door closed a new one will open up for a better man to enter in. One more worthy of me. One who can be trusted and relied upon to be responsible.
    By the way, there is a classic movie starring Lee Remick and Jack Lemmon, “The Days of Wine and Roses”. This movie opened my eyes to the true sadness of what one must do in order to keep thier own sanity and self esteem even though he was the one who brought her into HIS mess (like J was trying to do with me).
    Bless you.

  91.  #91Linda on December 13, 2008 at 9:15 am


    I have re read alot of the posts since I chimmed in here on this topic. I have looked more closely at yours as well. You have a lot of wisdom and I closely identify with you and the place you are with things.

    It has been two weeks since I said “enough is enough” I fight the urge to text or email. I have won that battle. I have went through this week and destroyed all the tapes I play in my head… the ones that keep me focused on him and they way I wish thing were between he and I. I have deliberatly been forcing myself to play only reality tapes instead. You know the ones that say.. “if he loved you he would be with you right now”, or “He lied, cheated and disrespected me and dismantled our relationship needlessly”. I actually became so angry this week as a result of playing those tapes that I actually was revolted at the thought of seeing him again. This is a part of healing.

    There have been some other posts from Rori that I have written (The truth from a Man) and (Take him with you) in December. My healing continues. It is a process. It is Christmas time too and that makes it harder but I am hanging in there and becoming stronger.

    I have looked back at all the things in my life before him and during him. All of it, the good, the bad and the ugly and embrace them. They are the things that have made me who I am today. I call these “grace points” now. Instead of things that I beat myself up over and wish I could fix or redo.!! Accepting the fact that I even still love the man who is no longer in my life is healing too. It helps me be honest with myself and helps me have inner peace. I am proud of the way I loved him. I can look in the mirror and dont have remorse. Even when he was not with me I was with him. Did that hurt.. did the rejection sting OH YES!.. It brought all kinds of uglies to the surface for me but instead of blameing myself like I have always done..I have been dealing with them one by one. These are things I can hug and love myself for and smile about and I am proud of that.

    I read a prayer yesterday. It simply said God I give you all my relationships, the ones that bring me happiness and pain, the ones that are whole as well as the broken ones. And.. asking him to watch over and work in them all. After you understand yourself and accept was is what more can a person really do.

  92.  #92Maria on December 19, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Rory, l picked up something from one of Mochas commet in earlier posts – l know it makes total sense, but can u please explain, why is it not goot to drive, fly, go, walk to a man?

  93.  #93Mocha on December 21, 2008 at 12:01 pm

    Maria, Thank your for your concern regarding my post about travelling to Atlanta for a date – and Rori would love your feedback to both Maria and I. I guess I should also add that not only did I go on a date with a collegue form college but my trip was not centered around him. I have friends that live there who I also visited and I had never spent time in Atlanta except to transfer to another plane a time or two. So it wasn’t a trip solely to go on a date and as Rori mentioned in her latest post – “Should I ignore him or Let him in” when I reunited with this guy I used a football game between our teams to set the tone. He lost the bet and I offered to travel to Atlanta since I have not been to see my friends sinve they moved – this was a perfect opportunity. I was able to get out of town and get out of my own head for a weekend, visit my friends without succumbing to their schedules and not succmbing to being joined at the hip to this potential date.

    Hope this sheds a little more light on my trip which by the way, the relationship is going to be nothing more than a friendship which I feel really good about. IT seems that our interests don’t align and that’s cool with me. I could have slept with him and things could have been awkward but now we can talk trash via text without feeling any pressure and when I see him again we can relax around one another without any negative thoughts or feelings because we didn’t go there! I feel empowered by my decision and the results because it save me a lot of energy and mind toiling. I have a good person that when I do taravle back to Atlanta I can call up to hang out without any pressure as to what will happen! Besides life throws us curve balls all the time – who knows what may happen! But at least for now, I don’t have any expectations with this guy and can be myself without any pressure.

  94.  #94Maria on December 22, 2008 at 4:58 am

    Thank you Mocha, the reason l asked this, was that l have done it in my past and it always has a “curse” with it. The moment l walked the extra mile, all seemed to fall down.

  95.  #95Mocha on December 22, 2008 at 5:31 am

    Maria, that’s why I love you guys on here! We have each others back and best interest at heart! I understand it’s not something that Rori encourages in her tools – we are supposed to let the men come to us and I agree to a certain point. But what in my mind made my trip seem as though I wasn’t travelling to meet a man was that I had a chance to visti others in the area. My therapist commended me in taking the chance because let’s face it what harm could have been done in making the trip? The guy and I went out and had a great time. When the second game between our two teams came up again, I asked if he wanted to bet again, and instead of playing games he stated that our interests didn’t align and during our outing I was able to pay attention to his words and not confuse them with his actions. Meaning, his actions showed me that he wanted to sleep with me but his words were simply “not wanting to get into a long distance relationship.” Because of Rori’s tools, I was able to read between the lines and decide that I didn’t want a hit and run which would have later turned out bad (me calling and he not ansering or him not calling at all afterwards) and a friendship would have been lost.

    I feel the key here is if you decide to make such a trip, don’t have any expectations about the outcome and don’t make it all about the guy. I believe that if my friends did not live there I would have relied on the guy to make me a priority while there which for me comes off as being needy and clingy. Since I did have my other friends, I didn’t feel that way. In fact, I had not planned on seeing him that Friday but he made contact with me and came to my hotel. He reached out to me and as Rori tells us I opened up and let him in.

    Hope this helps for any future excursions you may be planning! Good luck!

  96.  #96Maria on December 26, 2008 at 8:04 am

    Thank you Mocha, it certainly does and since l literally “met” Rory, l have maintained a step-by-step whift and getting more aware of the stuff.

  97.  #97need instructions! on January 15, 2009 at 8:37 am

    hi rori,
    i have been with a man for 12 years and we have children.He has always provided for us financially.2 years ago we broke up and he had met another woman long distance and says he never slept with her but it was painful as he actually was treating her the way i wanted to be treated as far as loving behavoir goes.emails i found and texts made me so jealous inside because HE was really chasing this girl!well he says it meant nothing but problems became huge between us and we also had financial problems due to his poor business skills handling large amounts of money from his company.I was always trying to tell him what to do and doing EVERYTHING wrong as far as your advice is concerned.the past 2 years have been a horrible time in my kids and my life.he has walked in and out of our hose,staying with freinds ect.
    We have always remained exclusive having sex…so he says.i found myself with low self esteem and just depressed alot due to the ups n downs ,highs and lows.He would always keep me strung alng thinking he was moving back home and all would be fine.he actually got an apartment about 6 months ago and i feel now like its really over.he used to be loving in bed,in texts ect.now he seems cold and uncaring and is calling alot less,bareley.He has a ‘freind who i heard is beautiful young and is the opposit of me”for about a year.she has met my kids and hung out with them alot when he has them at his house.He tells me im the only one he will ever love .The few times i went out and talked to men he was very jealous and MAD.i want my family back together and have just recently stopped yelling .screaming,and fighting him leaving because U MAKE ALOT OF SENSE..what little respect he has for me i want to preserve and if he doesnt want us its ok i guess it was just so confusing to me that if he has a girlfreind why he wouldnt tell me and try n convince me its a freind!
    He would stay at my house and be with kids and visit up until 4 months ago,then he stopped and kept them at his house where his ‘freind’came round all the time to hang out’.
    after reading your book and in the past 2 weeks i have tried my hardest to follow your RULES with him and while he seems cold and distant still..no i love you in a month ect.and lots of previous fighting stopped by me not’butting in to HIS BUSINESS” he seemes a lil softer ,calls once a day at least to tell me about his day,asked to stay at my house with me and kids on his visit.
    well we did have sex,i broke a rule because he attacked me to have sex lol and i wasnt loving and receiving.in the the short while we had sex he was telling me he only wanted me and no rumors i heard were true and he had no girlfreind.I felt like a vulnerable kid wanting his love and liked the passion he displayed but was tied up in knots trying not to speak back so i wouldnt blow up and freak out(my pattern that drives him away i think)after we wached a movie with my kids and fell asleep cuddled up with his arms around me.next day he stayed all day but their was a cold distance i felt and i never went “to” him.kept following your rules.i was open to receive if he came but he never came exept to hug me before he left.when he left i felt bad almost used..angry that he wanted to leave but i kept it in ,shut my mouth and have been not contacting him unless im responding to him calling or texting me.im worried he cant miss me because he feels he has me locked down with all the kids and wen he is away its outa sight outa mind!If he did love me and want me he would be here right?Or is this the beginning of the energy shift and the boat is just wafting waiing for him to pick up the oars?He has always said in regard to us not being together or getting back it was ‘all in my hands’im confused worse now that i dont talk to him about us and he hasnt mentioned a thing .I beleive he has a girlfreind and is on the fence about us,whether he should come out with it,maybe im wrong.I want him back with me.am i doing this the right way?any pointers i feel like “something is changing”in only a couple weeks time with just me not acting like we r together-cuz we r not,not expecting anything from him,pretty much acting like i have no right asking anything about his life or money-his business..its so hard after raising a family for ten years and being so close but im doing it and its hard letting go!please help rori .How do i behave in regards to this other woman..like she doesnt matter to “our” relationship?I just want him to genuinley want only me and to chase and please me with no effort on my part…im drained now and lonely.For ten years he would never leave me even for 1 night no matter what…now he is gone is their any hope or am i the other woman now in a imaginary relationship?im soo confused if his heart is still mine.

  98.  #98need instructions! on January 15, 2009 at 8:51 am

    I left out that he is working 2 jobs and is having huge financial problems and is very angry and depressed alot towards me and sometimes i feel like he resents the fact that he supports us 100%.my kids also have behavioral issues and school problems now and thats a big strain on our relationship too.The risk of him falling in love with someone with no problems,thats free and he doesnt ‘NEED’ to help live worries me if he is escaping us as a burden..again i could be wrong and i’m trying to catch my “little voice” that keeps telling me stuff but am confused if thats the reality.thanks

  99.  #99Linda on January 17, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Dear Need Instructions

    I am obviously not Rori, but I have lived through a man being there with me and then pulling away. I am not with him now. He left me. I pinned for him and he was the one unfaithful !. All I wanted for a long time was for him to come back and the longing got worse as more time passed. I have no contact with him at all. My situation is different than yours.. there are no children involved. But I am well acquainted with the confusion and pain and longing. The scattered thinking and then directing it. Looking for answers and not finding anything that worked.

    Everything I read I tried and the end result is I learned some things but I did not get him back into my life. I had so many confusing signals from him. Cold impersonal texts, to ending conversations with him saying I love you… to..no contact to.. making love like we used to. oh and then there were the excuses… He gave me lots of excuses why he was distant.. his personal money issues, his ex, his poor relationship with his kids… you name it. Bottom line is he was involved with someone else behind my back. He was a cheater and lied to me.

    Relationships are hard, it is harder when they involve or bring another person inbetween you as yours has done. Let me say a couple of things to you. Like the title of this post… put your energy on you, focus on yourself not so you can win him back but so you will feel better and become stronger. Respect yourself do what is right for you. Dont put him in the center of your life anylonger.. Who are you, be that woman if you dont know then go find her. If you like I found… lost yourself in this relationship then go find yourself and hold tight.

    There is no person in the world that does not have problems. The gal he is with has a whole slew of them he just is not seeing them right now but they are there. It wont be long before they surface. Dont believe that lie. Your man has carried all of his baggage into that relationship too.. he wont escape them for long. He has history with you, you may have written some yucky chapters but … love yourself focus on you not him. I know it hard it feels impossible. Love your kids..wait and see what happens. I wrote a post in wanting your ex back that Rori responded to. Go read it. I stopped spinning all my plates and found peace. I am alone but I found myself and I like me. That is the first step to healing.


    I have a post

  100.  #100Trisha on January 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Dear Need Instructions:
    i agree with Linda in regards to focusing on yourself.
    December was a full year i have been practicing Rori’s tools. They ALL worked. i did have to write her and ask her advice on what happened to me a few weeks ago. My man came by (yep, he still comes by) and he brought up the relationship (something i stopped doing a year ago). i was using my feeling messages when all of a sudden he abruptly got off the couch, grabbed his keys and said,”It’s always about your feelings isn’t it? Well what about mine??!” He then proceeded to the back door and left with the walls shaking with his exit! i just stayed where i was and took some deep breaths, felt the feelings and let him go. See, my old ways would have sent me running after him and trying to settle everything down bec “i didn’t want to lose him”. ARRGH! when i think about it now, i cringe! Since practicing Rori’s tools, i am so much more in control. He did this, in my opinion, for attention. i stopped having sex with him a year ago. He just doesn’t matter that much to me anymore. i’m not involved in all his drama and excuses. i’ve been bridgeing and have 3 dates lined up as i write this. i got myself hired for a vocal and piano instructor and even got my self another part time job to keep my mind off of him. The vibes around me now are so strong he doesn’t know whether to leave or stick around. i’m bored with him anyway. Let me encourage you in this new form of “selfishness”….it feels great to finally believe in yourself and know you are worth more than these pain in the a** men who think they can use a good woman. i’m determined to find my “happy ever after” like Rori says. i’m done trying to ask for the emotional connection i want from those who just don’t have what it takes. We HAVE to keep moving forward in our talents, abilities and skills which were given to us to be appreciated, not turned into getting crumbs.
    When you get better your choices get better.
    Blessings and God’s Grace to you.

  101.  #101Rori Raye on January 17, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Trisha – FANTASTIC! You are so on your way to your Happy Ever After – just keep doing what you’re doing. “Bored” with the man who doesn’t treat you in a way that feels GOOD is a GREAT word and a great feeling here…Love, Rori

  102.  #102Erin on February 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Rori: Help

    My boyfriend had asked for some space and obviously I was devistated. Not shocked though. While I at one time I wanted to save our relationship, but I started doubting if he was capable of really loving someone or being loved.

    Background: His father took him away from his mother at age 7 and never saw her again. His father told him that his mother did not want him and did not want any part of him. He never became close to his father and when his father remarried he always resented his father and stepmother. He was married for 10 years and his wife cheated on him 3 separate times. Two months after his divorce he was in a relationship for 9 months and then one for 6 months and me for 2 years. He told me he was going to marry me some day and he loved me so much that he was never going to leave me. Of course I totally fell in love with him. Something I had not felt in such a long time after a failed 20 year marriage of my own. We did not see each other all the time as he traveled a lot. But kept in touch by phone and texting. He met my kids and I met his. We all got along great. Went on vacations together. But it seemed the closer we got the farther away he became – if that makes sense. He found is real mom about a year ago and finally met her. He found out that what his dad said was all a lie and his father kidnapped him and refused his mothers attempts to contact him. He refused to talk to his father about it – saying what good would it do. I asked him if he thought if he needed to see a counselor and he said yes, but never did. AFter this our relationship was never the same. He became more and more distant, on top of everything his job was falling a part. I just tried to be positive. When I would see him he would be depressed and tired and I spent the time playing with his daughter. I tried to be fun and upbeat, but it never helped. I started to have to initiate everything, when we would see each other and sex. We no longer had alone dates, they were always with his daughter, which I was ok with, but it was hard to talk and get close with her there. Soon his job pretty much blew up and he told me he needed a break from everything.

    It’s been 3 months since then, we kept in contact for a while – me initiating, but I eventually told him that I could not do this any more and I needed to start living my life again. He just simply said fine and started dating someone else.

    During our relationship I was playful and upbeat, mostly because we did not spend a lot of time together and I did not want to ruin the short time we had together. When I would bring up things he said he could not talk about anything right now – that he could not deal with it. He constantly began to cancel our dates at the last minute. Usually, right before we were going to meet or he was going to pick me up. He got upset because I was upset. He would then refuse to talk to me for days until he was ready to talk again. He would never discuss it, just pretended nothing happened when he finally did talk. All very frustrating. I know I did not handle everything perfect, but I tried. He told me I made him uncomfortable when I would do things special for him or told him I loved him. He said he hated disappointing people and he knew he was disappointing me, but never tried to figure out a way to make things work for the both of us. I keep beating myself up on what I could have done differently, but I don’t know if there was anything.

    Just looking for some help in maybe what I should have done or tell me what I need to do so this does not happen again. It still hurts so much, because I still really love him.

    Thanks for reading.


  103.  #103Daria on February 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hi Erin… I feel worried Rori might not see your post here as quickly… try posting under the most recent post…

    I feel sad reading your post and I know you will get lots of support here from Rori and all of us…

  104.  #104PRPG on February 2, 2009 at 2:59 am

    Hi Rori

    It would mean so much to me if you could read this post and offer some words of wisdom Rori…….I hope it is not too all over the place 🙂

    I’ve only posted a couple of times and am generally new to the whole concept of Goddess -ness, leaning back and feeling messages etc. Sometimes i feel so lost, every bit of progress i make is usually undone by a stupid petty fight or me not being able to keep quiet any longer, and of course at times like that the last thing im able to do is articulate feeling messages.

    I feel so encouraged reading this blog, I feel less alone knowing everyone is on their own journey and kind of draw strength from reading about their experiences.

    Iv come to learn that I am very controlling and this need to control is born of a fear of the unknown, specifically in a relationship.. Any time I feel threatened or can’t predict an outcome I panic and start asking him millions of questions, to which I have a seem to have a set of answers in my head, and when he doesnt say exactly what i want to hear i freak out. Is this common?

    I feel guilty for being so desperate and needing of reassurance but believe iv made some sort of progress bc now at least I can recognise it and still love myself in spite of it. I so want to change though and become carefree and LIVE IN THE MOMENT! Every day, every conversation with and pertaining to my bf and I am alert, listening, watching, waiting for any clue that I could get hurt, be rejected, be abandoned (its like deep in my heart I believe this would be what I deserve, even tho I conciously and with my mind tell myself I AM worthy, I just do not always feel it). He always says he just wants me to relax and be happy but I just think too much. I have played out so many negative scenarios in my head like him leaving, cheating etc, i think i do this so as to be prepared. I feel like if I expect the worst I cant be disappointed. I think maybe I punish him subconciously because I believe he will hurt me. I think I think too much. lol

    I feel I need to take ownership of my part of things. Ive jumped down his throat so many times about so many small things, he is sometimes bewildered like, what did I do? and all the time its because he is not conforming to what I want and how I want to control him. Is it good that I recognise these things about myself? I just think Ive played the victim too long.

    This whole week I thought I was leaning back but it yielded only a few results, and last nite he said the last while Iv been so off to him. So I felt good that he’d at least noticed but crappy because he’s been taking it as bitchiness instead of seeing that Im focusing on me. sigh.

    How can I stop thinking Rori? Just read your post on Anger and I think that will be helpful to me. I find all of this so difficult I think because I have few friends and so he has become practically the main focus in my life. I wish sometimes that I could just go out and have fun and not worry bout him bt since I am virtually alone here I wait for him like a little puppy, I think he resents this on some level as it makes him feel guilty.

    I guess there are a few issues here but definitly think that if i was able to shift my focus it would help. But often when Im somewhere without him i keep wondering if he is even thinking bout me, is he glad im not around? See I can drive myself crazy sometimes. But he seems so disinterested sometimes. Ive been so tempted to cheat in the past but never have cos i know it would be For Him or Because of Him, not me and I would just feel and empty afterwards.

    Thanks again Rori for all your insight, it is God sent.

  105.  #105Rori Raye on February 2, 2009 at 11:11 am

    PRPG, I so wish I could give you all the answers and solutions in one short paragraph – but my “system” has many parts. Once you get them down, and understand what you’re doing – it becomes easy – it’s that practicing with men part – the Circular Dating – that makes this move so much faster.

    You have to first stop all things “controlling,” and simultaneously open up like an Invitation in a warm, vulnerable way. My ebook will start you on the process – it has the basics of the 4 Rules and Overfunctioning, and then Feeling Messages and then Listening at Level 2 and the Sensual Meditation. Practice those faithfully, and you’ll start to see results. Love, Rori

    My product catalog page is on the right on the blog – just under my picture, you can look at everything there, and get some more help, too. Love, Rori

  106.  #106Stalker on February 13, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    When your boyfriend “wants his space” that is code for he wants to date and have sex with anyone except you that he wants but keep you on the back burner in case noone else wants to date or have sex with him besides you.He is using you.He is just not that into you so you should dump him pronto and move on immediately.He is playing with you and you should just throw him in the trash.A man who wants and loves you will call,will be there and will focus on how he can be of service to you today not vice versa.

  107.  #107Madeline on February 19, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationship was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in my hands. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.

  108.  #108Nanette on March 10, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Rori –
    First and foremost – thank you! I subscribed to your e-publications and have gotten SO much from them. A relationship I was in (if that’s what you want to call it-) was so complacent that I was miserable. Once I read your email newsletters I really started to see my truly awefull patterns. What was establised over the course of 1-1/2 years however, began to turn around almost overnight. I started to value myself more than him or the “relationship.” I put myself first and before I knew it, everything was changing; my outlook, the way people responded to me and even the way I carried myself (and the unexpected attention from other [younger!] men doesn’t hurt). Now, I’ve crossed over to the grown-up world of not wanting a “man” but a RELATIONSHIP while he’s stuck in the emotional apex of indecision. If it doesn’t work out, I know now that I can move forward.

    My encouragement to others – hang in there! Your value is far above any treasure and you deserve someone that knows it and will fight for it!

    Terrific in Texas!

  109.  #109Reba on March 11, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    My boyfriend and I are both 55 and divorced. We have been dating 1-1/2 years. We spend almost all weekends together even though we live only 6 miles apart. I drive to his house on Friday and stay until Sunday night. We either go out for meals or I cook and occasionally he will cook. We sometimes go out with friends, or to plays, or to work out. He has a son in college who will be coming home for spring break soon. Recently he told me he thinks we spend too much time together since we are together all weekend. He says we need to be apart sometimes to do things alone. I do agree with that and told him I sometimes stayed around because I thought that’s what he wanted. He said he is afraid to go into his home office because he thinks I will follow him there and that is his “cave” — and also where his computer is, though he didn’t say that. He said we need to not be together all weekend every day and night. Last year, during this same month, he said the same thing, that he needed time alone. It was right before his son was coming home from school. Also, his nature is to be a big flirt. He loves to say the women can’t keep away from him because of his great personality. I put up with the talk because it is nonsense. The day after he said he wanted us to spend less time together he called twice. He said it was just to see how my day was going. Then he didn’t call the last two days, though it is not unusual for him not to call for 2 or 3 days in a row. He claims he gets so busy at work that at night he just doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. He takes medications that make him tired. He also has a lot on his mind. I know he loves me as his girlfriend and sweetheart but he is not “in love” with me. I don’t intend to be his puppy dog and I am considering going on an online dating website because my girlfriend showed me a couple profiles of men I might enjoy getting to know. I don’t want to break it off with my boyfriend because we do get along so well when we are together. I do, however, at my age, feel a boyfriend would want to talk with me at least once every day just because he cares enough about me and to show me he cares. I don’t think it has ever been something he did with women in his life, but still I expect it in mine. Yes, I have mentioned it to him but he continues in his own way. He is very good to me when we are together. I try to weigh the not-so-good qualities against the good and find there are far more good qualities to him. Any thoughts?

  110.  #110Rori Raye on March 11, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Reba, Welcome and the answer is not leave or stay – it’s to Circular Date. You date him, and you date other men – plain and simple. You only sleep with him (if that’s your agreement) – until you meet a man you’d rather sleep with – and STILL date this guy and everyone else. Okay – this is pretty provocative – but try it anyway. Go out now and have a great time with anyone who asks you. Online is fine. Flirting everywhere is fine. Smiling at men is great. If you need help with this, try my new Targeting Mr. Right program (it’s in the catalog page up in the right sidebar here) and let me know how it works for you.

    Love, Rori

  111.  #111susan on March 13, 2009 at 2:11 am

    I’ve been with a fantastic guy for many years, but he recently and very suddenly broke up with me. He has been struggling with some form of depression and has issues with being assertive. There were also some sexual problems; I thought that if I gave him time then he would be able to sort them out in his own way. Now I feel that he has somehow associated all those problems with me. What should I do now?

  112.  #112susan on March 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    I have a question that I haven’t been able to find much about: how to deal with “competitiveness” in a relationship in which both have the same level of education, very similar jobs, and a very similar outlook on life and career goals. Does competitiveness kill attraction / love?

  113.  #113T.R. on May 22, 2009 at 12:52 am

    I have been reading different posts and blogging on them. I am just now beginning to circular date. About 2 weeks ago I told my boyfriend that we needed to take a break so we could both work through some things. He was sad but said he understood. He then told me a few days ago on more serious terms that “He needs a couple of weeks”. He has been feeling depressed and I feel does need to explore the root of that. However, now I am feeling sad and confused. Even though he said he needs a couple of weeks, he still calls everyday. I have been open with him when he calls, but I am not initiating any contact. He then told me tonight that he doesn’t understand why he is not falling in love. This comment helped me decide to go on a coffee date with another man, and hopefully “kick start” circular dating. What is the best way to respond to a man who sais he wants space, but then still calls you everyday?

  114.  #114Trisha on May 22, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Dear T R,
    keep searching these very informative blogs, reading Rori’s emails and putting into practice those tools which work for you. The main reason he’s still calling is, according to Rori, he doesn’t want to lose you. He knows you’ve been a good freind, you’re a good woman who cares deeply about him so…..perhaps he’s using you as a stepping stone in hopes and until he to findssomeone more suitable to himself.
    Be glad you already had someone else to go out with. My question is… where are all these men who want to take me out? I’ve been using these tools for over a year (because they do work) yet there are no string of guys knocking my door down for dates!

  115.  #115Trisha on May 22, 2009 at 8:54 am

    Dear Susan,
    for 5 years my man “insinuated” it was because of “me” that he would go gamble, not get himself back to school or be depressed or what ever else was “ailing” him. Through counceling and Rori’s help, i was able to see i had no power to change anyone but myself. i also see the fruitlessness of expectations as well. When we or others have EXPECTATIONS about HOW things SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be or go, we lose the power of EXPECTANTCY. Relationships deteriorate because we stop living in the moment of NOW. i have found a great many people actually try to control others behavior mostly through their expectations because they don’t know the future or what the outcome is going to be. When you don’t live up to THEIR expectations or perform the way THEY think you should, they try and make you feel guilty, shameful and start judging you according to what you did or DIDN’T do for them.
    If your boyfriend is depressed he may be looking for a scape goat in you instead of getting the help he really needs to get to the root of it.

  116.  #116Tia on June 5, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Dear Rori,

    First of all I wanted to apologize my English. I have been seeing a guy for months. He just send sms to me before we have a first big fight that he loves to talk and see me and misses me when we didn’t talk for a long time. One day we had a fight and he took me off his BBM and stick with text. He said it is nothing wrng. he just can’t do it right now. He asked me that why I have to live and die buy the bbm. He said I am too clingy and too much. I don’t know when to stop and he asked me for space and time to think. I gave him and 4 days later he add me back to his bbm and we talked again BUT we talked only another 4 days and the day before he took me of the bbm (2nd time
    ) we just had fun and happy, laughed. He said he needs to fix his life and cannot do what he used to do with me anymore(useing blackberry messager(bbm), sending picture on the phone)

    I thought he wanted to end the relationship and I told him that I know he wanted to end this. Please sitdown and talk and after we talk everything is going to be fine. Then he told me that I’ve got it all twisted. He just need time to think and I give him no space. I told him I will not text him until I have surgery (2 week after that day). The whold 11 days he didn’t contect me but we talked at work little bit. On my birthday, he didn’t even say happy birthday to me and I knew he has problem at work then I email to him and say I never mad at him and I am here to support him as much as I can do. I will give space and time to him. Please don’t take this as a negative. He answer me “I am not mad at you, just not in a right place. I am sorry for being so distant from you” I really don’t understand all of this. What should I do? Are we still ok or not? I can’t get any answer….

    We are not on the bbm anymore and small text. I really want him back. Can you please help me?

    thank you so much,

  117.  #117Rori Raye on June 5, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Tia – Welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure what country you’re in or what your cultural background is – but it seems to me it’s figuring hugely in this. I’m going to very tough on you here, as softly as I can. I want you to read all the posts and comments here, and watch movies and TV shows about women who are STRONG. You have very, very low self-esteem, which means you think you are only okay with a man. And when you meet a man who’s good enough, you attach yourself to him. This particular man sounds very, very toxic – but the root cause of all this is how you value yourself. You do not value yourself, and so you only attract men who do not value you. I want to wish you well on your surgery – and on your journey to getting stronger inside yourself. Please forget about this man COMPLETELY. He’s completely not worthwhile for you, no matter how much you like him. He has done horrible things and neglected you horribly and been untruthful and careless. You do NOT want a man like him, no matter how much you like him. We’re here to support you in breaking your addiction to men in general and this man in particular. I know you can do this…it will take a bit of research and understanding to see how badly you’ve been treating yourself. I honor you – now YOU honor you! Love, Rori

  118.  #118Tia on June 7, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Thank you Rori,

    I will try to forget about him as hard as I can. I don’t know why I still not mad all the horible things he did to me. I always think of all the wonderful things he had done for me in the past. I told him that I wanted to talk to him, to clear the air after my surgery so what should I say? should I ask all the question that I wanted to know the answer? all I should just don’t talk to him at all. I also just bough your program and looking forward to get it by mail soon…

    I wanted to be a strong woman!!!!!


  119.  #119Trisha on June 8, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Dear Tia,
    Perahps something happened in your childhood which caused guilt and shame to attach itself to you which would result in low self esteem. Perhaps you feel you need to be punished (allowing this man to hurt you so) or he himself has issues which cause him to seek weaker vessels so he can punish them! Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness”? This man’s “kindness”(niceness) might be what he does to feel better about his sorry self! It may not be about you as much as you what to think it is.
    Nothing in this life time has been easy for so many of us. Rori is interesting to learn from because she lived it. i can trust in her to tell me the truth. We, especially being woman, MUST come to the place of BELIEVING we ARE valuable, we ARE worth it. In order to do this, we have to RECEIVE the truth. The TRUTH being, we ARE lovable enough, we ARE touchable, we ARE loved. Rori states these facts over and over again. It’s called REPETITION! Me, being a vocal/piano coach, it really IS the only way for my students to learn the material. They will complain to me, “but it’s too hard…” i tell them, “it’s only hard to you right now because you’ve never done it before and you think you can’t because you haven’t been shown how.”
    We have to do more than AFFIRM these statements…we have to state out loud that we CHOOSE to believe a certain truth about ourselves until it becomes a part of our next breath!
    Passivity and Self Pity are two big enemies for me. Passivity robs me of my creativity and self pity wants me to drown in a pool of traumatic tears and neither of these emotions have a right to pull me into a place i don’t wish to be.
    Where do YOU wish to be? In the dark or in the light?
    You are uniquely YOU Tia….walk in this truth.
    Let NO MAN rob you of your choices!
    Big Hug to you,

  120.  #120Robin on June 14, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I am not sure which program I should be using, and I hope you (or the ladies here) can make a recommendation? I discovered the eBook and Modern Siren program a couple of weeks ago, but I fear these tools may be too late to rescue my current situation… can you recommend anything to help “re-connect” to a man you are no longer officially in a relationship with? Is there anything you can do once he has decided to end the relationship? I really believe all of those feelings of love are still there and just need coaxing. Your Re-connect and Blue Print programs sound perfect … had I found them two months ago. Now I am not sure what to do.

    You see, I was in an exclusive relationship with the “man of my dreams” until about a month ago. We are both in our mid 30s, never been married. We met at a work party and it seemed to be love at first site. Things moved quickly because we saw each other almost every day around the office. He pursued me, had no problem expressing his feelings of love and devotion. I resisted at first, perhaps that created the “chase” men love and crave, but eventually gave in to my feelings and reciprocated.

    We dated exclusively for several months and were quite happy, so I thought. I didn’t see him outside work as much as I would like as he is a very busy actor in community theater, but I accepted his crazy schedule. Or at least I tried to. When I did see him he treated me like a beautiful goddess. He told me everyday how in love with me he was, how lucky he felt, how he couldn’t wait for it to be just the two of us. One time we joked about winning the lottery tomorrow … I asked him how he would spend his money and he said the first thing he would do was put a big fat ring on my finger! I knew it was a joke and laughed it off, but it tugged at my heart strings. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

    He often asked me if he made me happy. I told him he did, but I don’t think he believed me. I tried to explain that I was unhappy with some of our circumstances (not seeing him enough outside of work), but I loved him and being with him made me happy. Unfortunately, I do believe he suffers from depression and feelings of self-worthlessness. During the course of our relationship, there were several times when he called/texted me late night with messages like “you deserve better than me,” “why do you love me? I have nothing to offer you,” etc. I would always do my best to boost him, tell him how much I loved him and how wonderful he was.

    About 8 months into the relationship, I felt him pulling away. I really believe that once he perceived he wasn’t making me happy, he started to shut down. I made the classic mistakes – overfunctioning, asking for more time together, etc. Nothing seemed to help. Around the same time, a toxic ex-girlfriend popped back into his life, and I believe he was struggling with some unresolved feelings about her (she was never completely out of the picture, hovering like a black cloud because of the financial mess leftover from their called off engagement). We started to argue over stupid things and within 2 weeks, he told me he was unsure about us and needed to think. I was crushed. I tried to be cool about it, but it was too painful – I had to see him everyday in the office! We fought more, I got needy and clingy. He told me I got under his skin, in the wrong kind of way. Within a week, he told me he felt like I was now just a co-worker. I was devasted. Still am. Work has been torture. I had to take a week vacation and visit family just to not be around him. I ordered your ebook and read it during my trip. I ordered the Modern Siren CDs as soon as I got back. Some days he ignores me completely, other times he stops by my desk to say hi. I tried to be open and nice, someone he would want to talk to again. I just continue to make mistakes with him. As soon as I started to work the Siren tools, he I think he noticed a difference. He came over and told me had some things he wanted to explain. I said fine, but not at the office. But he never brought it up again. We were in a committed relationship for 8 months and have only been apart 6 weeks, so I know those feelings of love are still there deep down. Is there anything you recommend to get this relationship back on track? I really believe this is the man for me, and I am the woman for him. How do I make him believe that again?


  121.  #121Tia on June 15, 2009 at 7:16 am

    Thank you so much for all your supportive. I will try to do, love myself first and I will keep you undate how am I doing…

    Thanks again,

    Big hugs,

  122.  #122Rori Raye on June 15, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Robin, the ebook and Modern Siren will help you. Just understand WHY they will help you, and just DO the Tools, even if they feel “beside the point.” Circular Dating is the Tool you need now to fit all the Modern Siren Tools onto, to practice them 24/7. You will feel and see the difference in the way all men relate to you, and the way you feel about yourself. If he is CAPABLE of wanting you and being devoted to you and being in a relationship with you – he will show up. I must say that a depressed man is a very bad bet for a relationship. Please don’t tie yourself to him emotionally right now. Love, Rori

  123.  #123Trisha on June 15, 2009 at 10:48 am

    For me, this particular section of Rori’s blog for us is called “When you boyfriend wants space Focus on you” isn’t it?
    i loved Rori’s newsletter the other day about “unstrapping” ourselves from these men. To stop “diving out of airplanes strapped to them as they go down thier emotional tubes!”
    WOW! An explosive shift ocurred inside of me like never before!
    She says we don’t have to necessarily “let them go”.
    Yeah…this works for me!
    i immediately did the mental work pertaining to this and have been freed up ever since!
    i love my man of 5 yrs and was doing things i thought i “should” do instead of going with the stronger i “want” to.
    i WANT to be the unique, loving, touchable woman i am.
    i WANT to be in a Godly unconditional loving marriage with him.
    i WANT those “parts” of myself that fear and doubt and the “self sabataur” within who, keeps telling me “it isn’t possible”, to be BROUGHT DOWN, COLLAPSED!
    i have been tearing this man of mine down for too long and now, bec of the “shift”, i have the ability to “see” things differently.
    NOW i REALLY DO deeply love and respect myself and CHOOSE to walk into all the blessings the Creator has for ME!
    Stop being afraid to look into your core issues of why you do the things you do or feel the feelings you do.
    The answers ARE there.
    Even though we go through all that we do we can STILL live a life of peace and joy REGARDLESS of what the men in our lives do or DON’T do.
    They will continue to do whatever THEY want anyway so, tell me….
    why wouldn’t YOU WANT to do the same for yourself?
    Stay in the NOW!

  124.  #124Robin on June 15, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Yes, Trisha, I realize I posted in the wrong place. Oops… but yet it applies!

    Thank you, Rori. I will do my best to keep working the ebook and Modern Siren tools. I agree, he may not be capable now but only time will tell.


  125.  #125Trisha on June 15, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Dear Robin,
    i wasn’t implying you posted in the ‘wrong place’. i was trying to make a point using the name of this blog….in other words….if your man doesn’t want to be with you then…give him the space he wants and FOCUS ON YOU!!

  126.  #126Mimi on September 14, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Hi Girls,

    I am confused at the moment because I started circular dating and then when my main guy who loves me but always keeps me at a distance (we have been together over 2 years but no serious commitment from him) asked me with whom I had dinner with last Wednesday, I told him a friend, and he asked where I had met the guy. I am a crap lier so I gave him the truth, that I met him through an online dating site”.

    I had no plan of going out with him or sleeping with him, I wanted to follow Rori’s advice so I would stop pressuring my guy and focus on myself instead. I had told my guy 2 or 3 times that I would keep my options open as I didn’t want to pressure us & since he did not know what he wanted with me but I don’t think he understood/believed me/listened because when I told him I’d met a guy online dating, it was like I had put a knife through his heart. He looked SO HURT, more by the fact that I put my profile online than anything it seems. Then he walked out and I haven’t heard from him for the last 6 days (we don’t live together, he is 35 and still leaves with his dad and does so much for his family).

    I have failed ”the rules” and tried to call him to explain I had NOT cheated on him and that I don’t deserve to be ignored like this, that I love him and that we could at least talk like adults but have heard nothing… I am going crazy not knowing what is going on. I know it makes me look needy but I also feel it is stupid to hold onto some ego, I don’t feel needy, I want to resolve things, one way or the other.

    Please help! I can’t help but feel I made a mistake even though I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

    love, mimi

  127.  #127Rori Raye on September 17, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Mimi, not only did you NOT do anything wrong, you have no need to apologize. After 2 years, if a man can’t come across with commitment, who you TOLD, several times, that you would be dating other men…he KNOWS he can’t claim you all to himself. ITts GOOD if he gets angry. Now — we have to help you be strong and yet soft, and simple and wait for him to show up. You are NEVER TO LIE!!!! Circular Dating is ALL ABOUT telling the Truth and taking good care of yourself. Do NOT look for a quick resolution here. circular Dating is not about CHALLENGING a man, it’s about taking care of yourself. It’s not a game. It’s doing what’s best for YOU. Stay calm, cool, sweet, open, and strong. Love, Rori

  128.  #128Trisha on September 18, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Dear Mimi,
    For me, all of what Rori shares with us can be rolled up into one blanket called FREEDOM!
    Why do men always think they can have their cake and eat it too? Because WE let them. Why do we revolve OUR world all around them? Because WE allow it!
    Like Rori always reminds us, we have had a rule book pushed on us as women for decades and look where it’s gotten us. When the light finally goes on for you, it is a most “out of prison” feeling in the world. You will grow like a nurtured plant feeding off the TRUTH of being what and who YOU were created for.
    You have hobbies, skills, talents and uniqueness which makes YOU…YOU! Give yourself the greatest gift and GO USE THEM!
    i love when Rori says to let the man “work” for us. How they KNOW what they have to do to win us. “WE are the prize”.
    Let them get angry like mine did when he asked me if was “looking for someone else”. i told him, “No. i’m not “looking”, i’m waiting to be found by the man who’s going to think i’m amazing and is going to act like i am!”
    Him getting all in twist was kinda scarey at first until Rori said it was a GOOD thing. It’s like we woman need the permission from someone else to let certain things happen. His anger and jealousies made me more determined than ever to continue to pursue the things in MY life which make ME happy. i just joined a dance class by myself bec he kept telling me “we’ll do it tog” well, i heard this for 2 years. The stronger i get emotionally, the better i feel.
    Mimi, even though he does or doesn’t do WHATEVER, love, respect and accept YOURSELF totally!
    This all takes time, i agree and, when we stop falling for thier games, stop all the assuming, taking things personally and start doing the best we can in everything we have to do even on our off days…..we will come to the place of not needing someone else to complete us.
    My man is not the affectionate, responsible man i want so either he steps up to the plate or i remain open to the man who is better suited for me. Circular dating helps.
    Blessings to you~ Trisha

  129.  #129Rori Raye on September 18, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Trisha, Welcome and thank you for the beautiful post (I hear the “4 Agreements” in there, and good for you for putting all this together for yourself). You are being so strong! Yaaay! Love, Rori

  130.  #130Mimi on September 18, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Dear Rori and Trisha, thank you for you reply.

    I confronted him last night because I was sick of waiting to know what he was thinking and needed to know to move on.

    I know circular dating seems like a good idea but I feel I made a mistake TELLING him that I had dinner with someone else and met him by putting my profile on an online dating site. I tried to explain I did this because I wanted to shift my focus away from him since he did not know what he wanted to do with me.

    But to him that seems to be like cheating on him and proved I wasn’t happy with him, he said the only way to stop hurting me was to be friends. We tried that a few months ago and i asked him not to contact me. We did not see each other for 4 weeks and when we did again, the feelings were too strong to be ”just friends”. We were so happy to find each other again!

    I feel our fears (of not being loved for who we are, of being rejected, hurt, etc) keep getting in the way of our love.

    If you love your man and you know he loves you but you also know that you trigger pain in each other, aren’t you supposed to work on yourself instead of giving up on the relationship?

    Because I love him, aren’t I supposed to accept him as he is without trying to change him? If he doesn’t fulfill my needs completely, aren’t I supposed to fulfill them myself instead of pressuring him?

    I know we both have deeper fears that are getting triggered by what we do or say, fears that have nothing to with us as people but to do with past pain we haven’t dealt with. I have started seeing a counsellor to deal with mine so I can get stronger.

    But I don’t want to give up on him because I know he has barriers of his own stopping him from moving forward. I know it is not my role to counsel him but I do not want to just give up on him.

    Apart from focussing on myself, what can I do to help us get out of this mud and be sure that we are not taking the easy WAY OUT of giving up because it’s too hard??

    Please let me know your thoughts…

  131.  #131Trisha on September 19, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Dear Mimi,
    My heart goes out to you with so much compassion i have tears in my eyes while reading your words of sadness and frustration.
    i’ve been following Rori’s experienced advice since last year.
    Before this i was an emotional mess over this 5 yr relationship i’ve been tangled up in.
    i broke away from him for 6 months and the whole time, i beat myself up. “Oh if only i would have done this….oh if only i hadn’t been this or said that or WHATEVER!”
    i went to counceling thinking the “if onlys” would be taken care of and he would come back and i would be the woman he always dreamed of!
    Well, guess what? So many times we have the,as Rori calls them, the “imaginary” relationships. Yeah, they are in our heads!! And, you can wish and want it all you want and it doesn’t make it happen.
    i love it when Rori says (when we start using her practiced advice), sometimes, if or when he does come back, you might find yourself saying “ICK”. Which is, basically, what has SLOWLY been happening to me as i come out from being under this man’s “black magic spell”.
    It’s so true Mimi….we think, “Oh, IF i could only get another chance to not pressure HIM or, IF i cook MORE for HIM or better understand HIM, listen better to HIM….on and on ad nauseum!
    i found out he and i really don’t love each other (like in my imagination) because neither of us accept the other JUST THE WAY WE ARE!
    It’s like trying to get the proverbial round peg in the square hole!
    i was caught in the “girlfriend trap” and he assusmed i was exclusively his. When MY core needs weren’t being met and i didn’t feel the love I needed to feel safe going into a marriage, i started applying Rori’s tools and boy did things start to shift. He didn’t know what the heck was going on.
    As i got “free-er” he started to panic yet, he’s still NOT doing the things he needs to do to WIN ME! so….i continue to go about MY life’s desires and yes, many times i feel rather uncomfortable going out without him. This is why Rori suggests “baby steps”. Little by little you experience there really is a life OUTSIDE OF HIM.
    I’m sure you know the story about how a frog doesn’t realize he’s being boiled alive? Yeah, you turn up the heat a little bit at a time. This is how i felt before i started listening to Rori!
    Also the one about the crabs? When you put them all in the pot together, if one of them even TRIES to get out, the other ones pull him right back in.
    Sorry, but i don’t want to be a frog OR a crab…i want to be some man’s beloved Queen.
    Don’t you?
    Love ~Trisha

  132.  #132Trisha on September 19, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Thank you Rori for your encouragements and being a very important part of my recovery. Many Many blessings your way.
    Yes…the 4 agreements yet i’ve added a 5th…”don’t compare”.
    Big Hug
    Trisha XXOO

  133.  #133Mimi on September 19, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Thank you Rori and Trisha for your kind comments and encouragement!

    What do you do when the man you love loves you and is stuck in his own emotional trap?

    My man is 35 with divorced parents who live next door to each other. He lives with his dad on one side and his mum and her partner live on the other side (big house split into 2 houses). My man had a long term relationship in his early 20s who I think left him scarred, after that he never had relationships longer than a year or so, only lived out of home for a year overseas.

    His dad never had another relationship after the divorce and it seems he has dedicated his life to his son. I feel my man feels guilty for a lot of things that happened in his family and dedicates his life back to his dad, sacrificing his own, not being able to commit to anyone despite loving them deeply. He is the glue of his family, always fixing everything when there are arguments. He also works a lot, I feel this is an escape for him.

    I know he is an adult who can make his own decisions but is there a way for me to gently show him the way?
    When you love someone you love them the way they are and I do in his case. I could see all those red flags from the start and knew it would be challenging (we have had a few breakups) but I love him, even when I know he cannot really commit (which in my book would mean at least moving in together) so do not know what to do.
    He feels committed to me because he sees me 3 times a week, with messages in between, he always picks me up, he initiates dates and sex, he looks at me in the eyes and tells me he loves me so much, repeatedly, like what Rori says when she describes what a real relationship is. He says he has standards and wouldn’t be still with me if he didn’t think there was a chance for a future together.

    After finding out i put my profile online and met a guy for dinner, it was like he had been waiting for me ”to slip up” so he could find an excuse to push me away for good. He said he has to stop seeing me otherwise he cannot push me away because he loves me and is attracted to me, that the best thing is to be great friends because WE know that is the best to not hurt each other but I don’t see it that way!

    Everytime I poke him to get the reasons of his pushing me away, I NEVER get convinced he gives me the real reasons.
    It feels in my gut he is trying to convince himself this is the best way but that is not what he wants.

    I know I cannot make him do what would be a release for him (like counselling) but is there anything I can do before losing him completely? I feel his pain and I want to reach out to him…

    Any help anyone???

  134.  #134Rori Raye on September 19, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Mimi, if this guy really is such a clueless nerd…you have nothing to lose. Tell him you love him and would love to marry him and live together, and that you don’t know what to do til then in case he doesn’t want that….what does he think? The worse that can happen is he says he doesn’t think that can ever happen. If he says he wants that too, ask him when he sees that happening, and what does he think you should do until he makes up his mind? In other words, ask him questions because you need to know where things are and take care of yourself…but that you really love him and feel good with him and understand all the pressures in his life….As long as YOU feel relaxed and NOT desperate about it all, it should go well. If he’s not really all that nerdy…then you’ll hear — I’m not ready, and you’ll know what you’ve got, and it’s good that you’re Circular Dating and letting him know exactly why. Love, Rori

  135.  #135Mimi on September 19, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Thank you for being there Rori, it helps so much to know you are so supportive.

    He is not that nerdy, just really scared of putting himself out there (long term bachelor!), but perhaps I am fooling myself and I am in denial…

    He has finally agreed to see me tonight to listen to my feelings even though I know he will be just ”friendly”, distant and on his guards, worried I am there to manipulate him and try to talk him into getting back together so he tried to make it as hard as possible (1 hour lunch between work or 11pm at night).
    I really had to push him and say he wasn’t being unfair and that I deserved better than that. Now we will meet at 9pm, still not ideal but an effort.

    You are right, after all I have nothing left to lose!
    I will remind him how much I love him, that I did nothing wrong circular dating, that I did it to relieve the pressure I was putting on him about commitment.

    I will say I understand he is committed to his father and has a lot of pressure to take care of his family (who do not live with him though, I think he makes himself indispensable so he feels less guilty and because it gives me an excuse to not commit to anyone).

    I will say that I want to marry him although he knows that and that’s the scariest thing I can tell him since he thinks he will never commit to me.

    He will most likely say he cannot do it and repeat it is best we stay friends as he said 2 nights ago there was no turning back this time.

    I do not know how to give up on someone so it will be very hard.

    Rori, I have thought many times how great it would be to have a program specifically related to dealing with a breakup… perhaps your next project? 😉 love, mimi

  136.  #136Trisha on September 20, 2009 at 9:11 am

    Dear Mimi,
    Scroll back to my comments to Susan and to Tia. Read them and perhaps apply them to your situation.
    Right now you seem STUCK and are being pressed in by fear and desperation. Two good reasons to back away for a time. Give him his space.
    It feels like to me you are so overly concerned about HIS past and looking for the reasons why he is the way he is. i did the same thing to justify my inner weaknesses.
    My “poor” guy came from a black family of 9 siblings, mother not married and living on welfare. i listened to ALL his childhood plights and the more i would think about it, the more i “loved” him. He told me all the sob stories of how his 4 (F O U R) wives all cheated on him…poor poor man.
    i was asked the question by my pastor, “So Trisha, are YOU the woman who will stay with him?”
    i became so determined to be the “ONE”.
    Mimi, when we do this we lose all our boundries and sense of self. We start to think we are these men’s saviors.
    They haven’t even begun to save themselves.
    For me, this is where the web gets more and more tangled.
    Rori’s tools and me applying them is what kept me from losing MYSELF.
    Should you chose to move in with this emotionally unavailable man, why would he opt to marry you?
    Sounds to me like, you have to start facing the TRUTH and begin you journey back unto the path which was given to YOU. (Rori calls it “bridging”)
    It’s OK to love someone WITH OUT messing up your own life.
    Detaching doesn’t mean we don’t care.
    Loving someone doesn’t mean we have to marry them.
    Please start using Rori’s tools right away.
    We are all here for you.
    You are loved.

  137.  #137Mimi on September 20, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Hi girls, it’s me again and thanks again for helping!

    You are right, I wanted to be THE ONE, especially as he is looking for that really amazing soulmate whom he will connect with on all levels (physically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc). I tried to give him space and do things for me but even then, that did not seem to be enough for him to want me completely…

    We met last night to talk to clarify what he is feeling so I can understand why he is pushing me away. I asked him to speak from his heart and he said…

    Despite loving me so much and wanting to be with me, if he looks at the bigger picture, he doesn’t feel in his heart we can really make each other happy, that I deserve a better man who wants to commit because he cannot give me any more than what he has given me.

    I don’t know why I always believed in him and that we could work things out… because we had such an amazing connection, attraction and so much love for each other. But he said sometimes love isn’t enough. He does not feel that ”head over heels” love feeling that would make him want to move in with me, marry me, etc.

    He apologised for making go through so much pain and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me and wasting my time. He wants me to find a man who I will be really happy with. He said these things before and we still got back together, he was leaning forward when he was with me. He seemed to say there was a chance for us otherwise he wouldn’t still be with me.

    But now he says he was weak because I am so easy to love and such a beautiful person, hard to resist.
    He said the fact i put my profile online, meaning I was single, means I denied him and that is like cheating to him. I told him (cowardly in writing, always by sms/email) that i would keep my options open because I wanted a man who really wants me but he says it was not clear. I think he knew what it meant and he did not ask for clarification so that proves he didn’t want to listen or believe me.

    He said he is not using that against me, that it is not the reason he wants to break up but that it is a good time to go because he thinks denying him shows I am ready to move on. (says who???)

    Just can’t figure out why 2 people can love each other so much when together, hurt so much when apart and then what…? It doesn’t mean anything? I am fighting for him but he is not fighting for me, it hurts badly…

    When we made love he would tell me it felt so right, he said how much he loves me so many times and I could see the sparkles in his eyes when he’d look at me sometimes (even last night, you know, that loved up look).

    He loves me but he is not in love with me 🙁
    Which tools do I use to force myself to BELIEVE that this time, it really is over and that I must move on?
    I am confused…

  138.  #138Trisha on September 20, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    Dear Mimi,
    i can’t go to bed tonight without offering you some kind of comfort. i feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. i have been where you are right now and i have to tell you…. you will have to experience the pain of rejection even though it is a GOOD thing. This frees you up for the RIGHT man to come into your life. i can remember missing my man SO much i would cry until i threw up. i mean, when i think back, i cringe at how addicted i must have been to this man. All i could do was rem all the “good times” and good things he’d ever done for me. i let the Judge in my head make me feel guilty, then blame me and then i felt like i was being punished. i tell you the breaking up when i loved him so much was awful.
    One of the tools i used was, to see the man waving to you from afar and wishing you well while telling you to not get involved with another man like himself.
    i know it sounds weird and maybe Rori can describe it to you better.
    The other one was telling yourself he doesn’t exist unless he’s standing right in front of you or talking to you on the phone.
    Rori also says men try to keep us in their life even when they don’t want to marry us bec we ARE good irresistable woman and liked having us around.
    You chose to have sex with him and what man turns that down?
    My vow for the past 2 years is not to have sex until i’m married.
    If you think you can remain friends with this guy after he’s plainly told you how he feels and, after you tied yourself to him sexually…..good luck.
    Is it going to be easy to break the soul ties? No. Yet, you must start helping yourself by getting back out there as soon as possible.
    If you are with an online dating site…stay with it! For me, i don’t look up the men. i have several really nice photos of myself and i let them come to me.
    My profile is gut honest and says what i want and what i don’t want.
    Mimi, LET THIS MAN GO! Keep a journal and get your emotions under control as soon as possible.
    It takes a strong woman not to answer emails and the telephone, i know this first hand yet…little by little you will get your strength and power back i PROMISE YOU!!
    You CAN do it.
    Please stop blaming and victimizing yourself ok?
    Keep reading Rori’s blogs and practicing the tools.
    If you believe in God as your creator pray and ask for His help.
    Breathe through your heart.
    Goodnight. Love ~Trisha

  139.  #139Rori Raye on September 21, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Mimi, this is Classic, and the answer for you is Circular Dating. Just do it. Love, Rori

  140.  #140Mimi on September 21, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Thank you again Rori and Trisha,

    Yes, circular dating… I need to heal myself first though as I realise that the little things he did that hurt me are coming from deeper wounds that are not related to him, such as not enough love and attention from parents and looking outside to meet my needs, being afraid to reach out for support, feeling like I have to be strong all the time because I have nobody around who can support me (I live on the other side of the world from my family and they are all a bit disconnected too!), etc.

    I am going to stick to counselling for a little while until I get stronger and will follow Rori’s tools.

    I just feel a bit tired and empty at the moment but I am sending you my love and really appreciate your support 🙂

    Love, mimi

  141.  #141Mimi on September 23, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am a bit confused and would like clarification…

    On the one hand you say my case is classic (he wants to be friends, loves me but is not in love with me, etc see above) and that I should let go and circular date.
    It is very hard to forget about him because I love him…

    On the other hand, i get hope from reading your newsletter about reconnecting your relationship, that you can inspire a man to feel more love and connection. In your latest newsletter, I do recognise myself in it because he pretty much said what you said <>

    He did however have this lovey dovey look for me every now and then (even on the night he explained to me it was best to be friends, that i would be happier with another guy who could commit and give me what i want). I know he loves me and has repeated it so many times, meaning it…

    We did not communicate very well in the relationship while it was on. He was even crying when I hugged him goodbye for the last time. But when I looked him in the eyes and said ‘we can work this out’, he shook his head so i left.

    What shall I do???
    I know I should focus on myself and I am (and also circular date which I will do when I feel stronger). But…

    Should I cut him off and never try to see him again (not what i want because i love him)?
    Or should I focus on myself for a while, see him again (as friends) to suss out if there is any hope left because I know it goes deeper than ‘just friends’? We were supposed to go to a concert together next week which would be a good opportunity although a little early…

    Please help!!! Love, mimi

  142.  #142Trisha on September 23, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Dear Mimi,
    it’s always interesting to read what Rori will say to you yet we have to rememeber,we are not kids being forced to do things we don’t like. We have choices.
    You used a very appropo sentence above when you asked the question about what to do when your man is in his OWN emotional trap.
    This is the whole answer for you in a nutshell!
    It’s HIS emotional trap! What is it about you that wants to be in the TRAP with him?
    Look at what traps do….they capture, imprison, hurt, produce fear.
    When you described your last meeting with this man, it reminded me of some scene out of some sappy romantic movie. Here you were offering yourself as the sacrifice and the camera pans in while his eyes tear up as he shakes his head no.
    What drama Mimi!
    i hope you know by now, i am NOT making light of your situation bec i’ve been there and know exactly what you are going through.
    i’ve been growing this past year and living, like Rori does, the rewards of shifting gears.
    i don’t need the drama anymore (my man used to thrive off my desperation and endless tears. It fed his ego!)
    To me these men need to start getting their acts together and stop trying to keep woman tangled in their neurotic issues they choose to do nothing about.
    Rori’s last newsletter about attraction and connection was most insightful. Hope you read it…now apply it.
    If counceling will give you some relief by all means go yet i have found no matter what the councelor says, we will still choose to do what ever we will.
    Sometimes we have to be suffered into a corner, shipwrecked and brought to a place where we can finally be freed from the emotional traps and start walking in new found freedom.
    Love yourself Mimi. Love yourself enough to go forward and set your mind to balance and peace.
    We come into this world alone and will leave the same way, we won’t be arm in arm with these men.
    Our lives were meant to be lived till we die so why would you want to be so miserable with someone who doesn’t feel the same about you?
    Facing the TRUTH hurts yet the hurt passes and you will be so much more aware about discovering who YOU are.
    Blessings, peace and joy to you.
    Love ~Trisha

  143.  #143Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Trisha, This whoe post is totally brilliant – I LOVE this — may I borrow it (with credit to you, of course) for a jump-off piece sometime? – It’s HIS emotional trap! What is it about you that wants to be in the TRAP with him? Love, Rori

  144.  #144Trisha on September 24, 2009 at 10:52 am

    HI Rori,
    You most certainly can, with my deepest respect, use whatever wisdom i humbly share with others on this site.
    You have been a huge part of my inspiration and an aspiring role model to whom i am sincerely grateful.
    Seeking knowledge is important yet it is the applying of it which seems to hold woman back.
    My prayer is… when fear tries creeping up, like the snake it is…we would be so built up, we will see it as an OPPORTUNITY to USE your tools. How else are we ever going to get the strength we need to stand alone on the BIG rock and not always be craving the arms of a man?
    Thank you from my Heart Rori!
    Love ~Trisha

  145.  #145Lorie on December 26, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I am messed up in my heart and mind. Logically, I just don’t understand the why of it. My heart is more than crushed. To be shot dead would have been more merciful. I need your help! Let me start at the beginning in which you can point out all the errors and perhaps the truth will set me free.

    When I moved to a new city, basically I had lost it all. The material processions, (got hurt on the job) making clear ($6,000.00 a month) and so I had no problem buying anything or giving anything. However I found when I lost the money and prestige I lost (friends?) and even family members (my own kids) who asked who was I…lol. I DON’T KNOW!

    So for five years, I cut myself off from everyone….no dating, no touching, just working every minimum shit job out there while applying for a state job.. Rented a room (no house). You can bet I cried a zillion tears, and I didn’t know who I was (my worth) anymore without the money. What I had was my prayers which for along time where filled with so much sorrow…..Saving myself up to cry only at church…..That lasted about 6 months…..I was truly jacked!

    Then I got the state job (stable) and moved to another place (room mate still). Now it took 5 years to get to this state….working, coming home, nothing more….pleasant to people, but no emotional ties. Then I met Mr. P, who also rented a room. We would have long conversations outside in the backyard…and I thought this was all there was to it. Really…..no idea in my heart or mind.

    Then Mr. P suggested we go 50/50 on the food ( I cook better). Financially this would save money and so I agreed. Then he told me he really like me. I was shocked really and just look at him (probably like he was insane). He asked if he could hold my hand as he sat next to me. I said ok but I was really freaking out because it had been so long since I allow this interaction.

    When he touch my hand it was so beautiful, warm, strong like some kind of miracle and it made my heart cry , because I denied myself this….asking myself why? Then I thought wait! I’ve been praying for a man my equal to love, intelligence, loyal / honor……I waited, …caution.

    A couple months after dating we had sex, great! It seemed we were both in love and happy. However, during this time my room mate was working with him (a girl) and I told him it was not a good idea, because I believe this girl liked him as well.

    Anyway this girl and I went shopping one time and she told me to watch my back with Mr. P. (I hate this shit) So I asked why? Just watch your back! As it turns out they were having sex together, in which he wanted to have sex with her again (i.e. the job). She asked Mr. P, what about your girlfriend (that’s me) and he replied what about her? Then he tried to force himself on her of which she kick him out of the house (that’s when she spilled her guts about Mr. P).

    You can bet this cause a big riff and to top that off he is a Muslim. Now its Ramadan a month of not having sex with anyone, but your wife after sundown. So Mr. P, moved out with his friends? During the month of September, he said he would see me and that this girl was jealous and would say anything to break us up. To believe him, to trust him, he loved me.

    In September, not once did he come by and see me, even though I called, he really just laughed…cruel, you bet…extremely hurt you bet. So I stopped calling all together, changed phone number. Then in October after Ramadan, he followed me from work to speak to me. Saying he realized that he loved me and that he was hoping we could move in together having a place of our own.

    He convinced me to start looking for a place. During this time we were dating and decided to go to the casino 50/50 of course (in other words my own money, he has his own money). We stayed at the hotel that evening, but during this time a person kept on calling and calling over and over again. He wasn’t answering the phone. I asked who is that? He said a renter as he was looking for a place too. I told him this was a lie! That it was a pissed off woman, who was expecting him and is now bombing his phone. I’m in a rage. I pick up my things to go, I’m not talking the entire way home. He puts his hands through my hair and says you have pride I can see that…..but its just a renter! Lie! I have no proof….but you can bet I wanted to rip the phone out of his hand…..resist!

    Then I found a lovely place. He was so happy and said this is the best place he ever had. I bought him clothes (this best he ever had) food the best he ever had, sex the best he ever had….get the picture? Now as a Muslim man they go out with the guys 2-3 am in the morning. This isn’t setting well with me because no man that is not single does this 3-4 times a week. Last straw, didn’t come home at all. When I woke up to go to work no Mr. P. I walked into the garage and Mr. P was laying on the couch, saying he didn’t want to wake me up. LIE! Again he just came in, saying he fell asleep at the boys house. LIE! Trust me after this my heart is finding bitterness. Mr. P visit the boys once a week four hours max.

    Then all went well for awhile, still 50/50, Ramadan is coming up….bad feeling in my heart…remembering the last Ramadan, only this time we are living together. So he asked me to marriage him. The vows between me, him and God…..and that later we would be married at the church. I was so damn happy!

    I made him soups, after the fast, good dinners of course, we prayed together, did things together love, love, love. My heart was delighted! Prayers answered!. I truly believed, as I did in the beginning, that Mr. P, was my gift from God. During this time however, the owner was losing his place (foreclosure) so we had to look for another place, but that was 90 days away…..and my heart is light.

    Now I found a beautiful house, we both signed the lease this time (foreclosure) worried. Move all the stuff in. Mr. P is delighted…me too. Now Ramadan is over and we are settled. I asked him when are we are to be married, because I will not go through another Ramadan again. You see I’m not invited to go with him because we are not married. He said what difference does it make? That I only want to marry him because of Ramadan!

    I explain that is not the case. I wish to be 100% of his life, as he is 100% of my life. Now the battle is on because he says we are married in the eyes of God. Which doesn’t give me the same freedom as in the church. Now after signing the lease just two weeks ago he says he must leave, to find another job for the wedding cost. I say why can’t you stay here and work two jobs. He says he can’t live with a woman while trying to save money for the wedding. I’m smelling a RAT.

    He wants to stay rent free for October., leaving some of his things here so he can come back and forth. I am more than crushed. I keep on making suggestions giving reasons to stay. But I could have been Jesus walking on water and he would not stay. So I’m furious….he is not staying a month free while he saves money to run. Extremely Betrayed! I take all of his clothes and tell him to get out. I said as my last words to divorce me (the vows which were real to me). He said hell no! Then like water, said I divorce you once, twice, three times….That one cut my heart out!

    He of course takes everything (not much a desk and clothes)…has the nerve to ask for his half of the deposit….Your kidding? Then the calls have a good life baby, I wasn’t qualified to be your husband, I can’t take care of you or myself without your help…..the guilt of which hurts….

    Then he calls saying he is having a terrible life, that he is suffering, that he made a mistake, but he can’t come back….not good enough.. That I should know that he loves me enough to leave me and that I should appreciate the suffering he is going through….I told him, I don’t appreciate suffering!

    Then I find out through the internet he has put his number out there to pick up on girls…..I told him this and of course he changed his password….lol . More lies. He still calls when he needs something and than no calls after that. I should be grateful, but I really do love this man, even if he is unworthy of me! CRAZY!!!

    ….I found out that he is trying now to save and receive his green card. A dream I would of helped him accomplish. But to him the lies were better. Why the games Rori, all of them hurt ….I did not deserve this.

    This Christmas regardless of the games, I did text Merry Christmas to Mr. P…nothing. And yet I received Merry Christmas from all friend and family, even my x-room mates who sent me hugs….Jesus…..This HURT big. Trust me Rori , I’m intelligent, very good looking, excellent job, and in short I am together…..I do love myself and take care of myself……so why do I deal and even waste my time thinking of this man….I feel like I wasted 2 years..

    Passionate Love sucks!~

  146.  #146Rori Raye on December 27, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Dear Lorie – Welcome, and you’re not going to like this. It’s very “tough” – so don’t read it unless you’re ready to hear it. I hear you and I do not believe you love yourself, nor that you take care of yourself, nor that you are acting in an intelligent way, and I definitely do not believe you are “together.” If you insist on feeding yourself this foolish assessment…you will get no further. However – I believe you ARE gorgeous, smart, and deserve great love. So – what are you doing, Lorie – wasting your time with this creep? What are you doing GIVING to him and cooking, etc? Please spend a day here on this blog (make sure to get my newsletters and my book to start – and then I’d say go straight for my “Toxic Men” program – it will help you understand what you’re doing to yourself) – and learn some Tools to pull yourself out of this pit. This is not passionate love. This is you punishing yourself, as you did after your financial tragedy when you shut yourself down. As soon as you get that this is a pattern (a Trauma Response, I’m sure) – you’ll fly to love – I know you will – but we have to get you started. Love, Rori

  147.  #147Trisha on December 28, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Dear Lorie, you are in a living, breathing HELL and you will only be able to get yourself out by listening to Rori! The only thing i want to say is i understand your addiction to this Muslim man bec to me they are a lot like Black men. By this i mean, they are great lovers. Very charming, warm, generous, sexy and intoxicatingly exotic! When i first broke up with my black man, i suffered so many different emotions, i cried myself to vomiting! This was 2 years ago and bec i’ve followed so much of Rori’s advice, i am now in such a completely different place. i mean i was a MESS! It was slow going in the beginning yet i did it! This man is now eating out of the palm of my hand! And since i’ve been Circular Dating and practicing all Rori’s tools, this man doesn’t even appeal to me the way he used to. i am the one holding the “keys” now and it feels GREAT! Please do yourself the best thing ever…STAY involved with this blog and get yourself on her mailing list in a NY minute. My prayers are with you my friend. HUGS~trisha

  148.  #148Gloria on January 3, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    HI Rori,

    I have a question about circular dating. I would love to go out on as many dates as possible, however, I am now 3 months after breaking up and I am still quite lonely. And it hurts, While I am able to create attraction with a man, I have lacked the opportunities to go out and have fun. I work full time and have 2 kids. Would online dating be ok for now while a better ‘in person’ opportunity arises? Can online chatting, e-mailing, etc, be considered ‘circular’ dating?

    thank you,

  149.  #149All you Need is Love? on January 4, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    HI rori and friends,
    I got the “need space” card. Only it was my fiance of almost two years .. he is 21and im 25. He and i moved into an apt together shortly after our engagement. We are waiting a few years until we wed, to make sure we happy and are we’re where we want to be as a couple (finances/career)…. we’ve toughed through a good share of problems but i got the “i need space and time to think about what i want (aka: the relationship)” card just about a month ago… i felt him starting to get distant after his mother had moved in with us only three months into our new place…(another story) i am also the breadwinner between the two of us- he does what he can to his ability but i know its hard for all of us givin the circumstances. A slow onset of what i considered an emotional affair crept up on us with him and a co-worker over the course of a couple of months-i did call him on it and he said he ended it knowing how sucky both him and i felt knowing our relationship was going down the tube. He says he feels like he cant talk to me without me overreacting or making him feel bad.. like he can never “win” with me..all the stress, me overfunctioning..paranoid whenever he texts.. is seeming to make our relationship more of a “business deal” as he calls it, then a “IN LOVE” relationship which he expresses he wants with me again, that spark that he misses…. but him acting moody (loving and wanting to work things out one minute and depressed and “unsure” the next) has left me confused and torn. He thinks i have a lot of insecurites and am very dramatic .. and hard to communicate with-and that has pushed him away more and more.. Advise????? Greatly appreciated and needed..

  150.  #150Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Welcome, All You Need – and your story and situation is so classic and EXACTLY what my Tools are able to fix quite quickly…I know you’ll get the help you need here. I’d like to post this and jump off with some simple steps…Love, Rori

  151.  #151Trisha on January 4, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Dear Trisha this is Lorie and you emailed me that you loved a man so much when it was over you cried yourself to vomiting….remember? Well I can’t say I haven’t been suffering because I really thought this man loved me…took off and left me with a lease and a very broken heart. Seen me once in Nov. and said he doesn’t know when he’ll see me again. Hasn’t! It hurt’s so bad when family friends e-mailed and called at Christmas not him. New Years the same not him. I really don’t understand the why did he do it. How can he be so cold and heartless? How can you have 2 years of living togeher and then puff your gone. I miss him so much Toxic or not. I can’t even think of having another man put his arms around me let alone dating….like I’m a cheat or something…I know he is most likely doing just fine in this dept. I know I can get men to ask me out, good looking enough..but putting out a vib to just leave me alone. Can’t afford the tapes but I need help…can you give me some tools of leaning back, feeling messages and not to fall for the sameness again…cause this hurts real bad …..sincerely L

  152.  #152Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Lorie, Welcome – I’m not sure I get the deal between you and Trisha….? Broken hearts are not fun. Biggest thing I can tell you – put your arms around YOURSELF right now. Date YOURSELF. Fall in love with YOURSELF – and you’ll feel better, you’ll heal…and you’ll allow yourself to open up to new men. Love, Rori

  153.  #153All you need is love? on January 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Thank you Rori, I would love some tips and suggestions on how to re-kindle, repair and renew our “classic” relationship 🙂 All eyes and ears are open 🙂

  154.  #154Trisha on January 5, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Dear Rori,

    what do you mean by the “deal ” between me and Lorie?

    Please respond bec i don’t want to take anything personally or take offense.

    i know you know i’ve been one of your biggest cheerleaders the past 2 years esp on these blogs.

  155.  #155jojo on February 6, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    i found that my husband is watching dirty (sextual) movies what should i do

  156.  #156Rori Raye on February 6, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Jojo, Welcome – and this is a case for tinque at http://www.sexandheart.com. It all depends on how it’s affecting how he is with YOU….tinque might tell you to talk with him, she might tell you to WATCH the movies with him… She might tell you this is a sign something’s wrong, or that there’s something you can do to make your marriage totally amazingly better…let’s look at this for now as an OPPORTUNITY for you to enrich your marriage, and we’ll take it from there…tinque – hopefully – will find your comment and reply – but I know it’s going to take some questions and in depth…so follow up with her, and give me more details, too, and we’ll ALL help you. Love, Rori

  157.  #157Pam on February 24, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Hi ladies! It’s been a while. My ex and I (the one who wants to be friends) are done. He loves/needs drama in his life and I just can’t waste any more energy on this crap. His new g/f is a trainwreck & he’s going to have a lot of problems with her (I know a few people who know her). I kind of feel bad for him, but it’s his life.

    Not sure if you remember the guy I was dating, who returned my make-up bag, I thought he wasn’t interested in me because he makes little effort to get together or call me. Well, he started texting me again. Said he sent me 3 since SuperBowl Sunday. I never got them. When I didn’t reply he thought I wasn’t interested and thought I moved on. He said he should of called me, and that was his fault. After reconnecting the past few days we talked about going out for a coffee, but he’s so busy with work. I like the guy, but it’s purely a physical chemistry that’s going on. I don’t feel any emotional chemistry. It’s weird. He’s cuddly, etc but I don’t know, there was something missing. Can you build chemistry??

    Then there’s guy #2. He’s very loving, romantic, caring. Great emotional chemistry. We’ve kissed and there was a lot of passion. He’s not 100% what I’m attracted to physically but he’s a good guy. I don’t mean to sound shallow but you need to have that. We’ve been talking for 3 weeks, met 3 times. Had 2 very long phone conversations. He has many qualities I’m looking for but I can’t get past the physical chemistry part. Also, he was open and honest with me about his life and his future. He has an 8 yr daughter and is tied to the city he lives in. It’s an hour drive from me. He said until she’s older, he can’t move. Another thing is that he knows that having a child one day is important to me (but it’s not my top priority) & he’s not sure he wants to go through the infant/toddler stage again. He’s only 1 year older than me but he’s been married, has a child and is now in a different stage in his life. He said we would have some obstacles to overcome. I don’t think they are that big to overcome. If you want it to work, you’ll make it work. I said that I appreciate his honesty but I want to get to know him and take things day by day. He now agrees.

    So, I’ve been thinking about this whole circular dating thing. I know I can’t put my eggs all in one basket. I want to see this other guy (the very busy one) again but a part of me wants to keep looking. The guy with the 8 yr old told me he is falling very fast for me and he removed his profile on Match.com. He wants to give “us” a shot…100%. I don’t know. I feel that I should keep dating. When I’m with guy #2 everything is fine, my doubts are gone and I’m living in the moment. It’s when he’s not around that I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I start to overanalyze things.

    Sometimes I think I should just be single….hahaha!

    Thanks girls…hope you’re having a great week!

  158.  #158Lexie Wojciechowska on March 17, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Hi Rori,

    My name is Lexie and I’m almost 24 years old. I’m writing to tell you that last night I had a breakthrough. I got Modern Siren just after I started seeing a new guy, about six months ago. At first, I kept myself guarded and didn’t fall into the committment trap, but as things progressed and I fell in love, I lost myself. I didn’t even realize it.

    My man is still a great guy, but things have changed a little. He used to call daily, at 9:30PM. Now, he may call every 2 or 3 days, and gone are the hours long conversations. Even though I’m more available now time-wise, he’s not jumping up to spend time with me.

    I got angry last night when he didn’t call, after he said he was going to. And I finally realized: I’ve given up my power. I’ve let him assume control of the relationship. So, today is day 1 of taking it back. When he next calls, I will patiently and calmly (without anger) tell him how I feel when he doesn’t call when he says he will. I’ve booked up the rest of the week with girlfriends, projects, and interesting things to take my focus off him. If I don’t start to see an improvement in a month, I’m going to give him the speech and start Circular Dating.

    Thanks very much for helping me to realize all of this. I’ll be writing back in with my updates.

  159.  #159Rori Raye on March 17, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Lexie – Welcome and BRAVA!!!! You rock! Keep doing what you’re doing, and let us know every step of the way. Love, Rori

  160.  #160Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    I have lots of reading to do!

  161.  #161Wendy on April 5, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    I was wondering if you ever have live seminars and how can I find out about them

  162.  #162Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Wendy – no live seminars coming up, but a teleclass on April 19th on “Scripting” that I’m doing for clients…if you’d like to know about it, I’ll send you the info or post it here…Love, Rori

  163.  #163Shanti Moon on April 12, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have most of your programs and they have all opened my eyes. I still fall into old patterns and that is how I lost my last relationship. I did not call and about 3 weeks have gone by. Here is what he wrote me just yestersy:

    thinking of you.
    Wanted to say hi. Not sure if you want to talk to me soon or ever. The more time passed the more awkward I feel. I think your great and I hope your happy. Id be open to talking sometime soon.


    How can I respond? I feel nervous.

    Thanks, Shanti

  164.  #164Rori Raye on April 13, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Shanti, Welcome, and start with “It would feel good to talk with you…love, Shanti” –you’re basically using exactly the style he uses, and keeping it short and in Feeling Messages. Love, Rori

  165.  #165Shanti Moon on April 16, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Hi Rori,

    He has not responded for 5 days! Ugg, I know I need to be my siren self. I’m starting a raw food cart in Portland! Still I’m thinking of HIM.

    He broke it off with me over a month ago and his email was the first contact.

    Originally he pursued me and I told him I was not sure. He kept pushing and after seeing who he is I said o.k. I really love him. In the beginning he did so much for me. I also gave back, but he mostly did the doing. I always felt so grateful but he burned himself out and in the end told me I was selfish and that our relationship centered around my life and that he was loosing his. He did not pull away completely at first.
    I just kept getting mad when he would change plans or cancel at the last minute. The he told me he love’s me but is not in love with me and that he does not want to help me anymore. He said that he wanted to help me, so I felt shocked when he changed. I’m moving on and focusing mostly on my business, but I miss him. I hope he responds. What should I do? He’s taking so long

    Letting go, (sort of)

  166.  #166Lexie Wojciechowska on April 16, 2010 at 1:24 pm


    Okay, so about a month ago I gave myself a deadline to see how things went with my bf after I decided to take back some power in the relationship.

    Tomorrow is that deadline, and I’m thrilled to report that I have great news!

    I’m absolutely happy these days 🙂 My career is taking off, my friendships are all great, and I applied to foster a dog. My focus is on me.

    The boyfriend has been traveling for work these last two weeks, and he’s at sea. He’s called everywhere his phone gets service. He’s emailed. He’s communicating wonderful, loving things. And I’m leaning back and using my Waterwheel tool to let him know I appreciate him too.

    Keep working on being Sirens, ladies! It’s worth the effort!

  167.  #167Shanti Moon on April 17, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Hi Rori,

    He finally sent this today:

    Hey Shanti

    How are you? End of my long week and I can finally relax.
    Do you have time this weekend to talk?

    Hope your well

    I feel nervous in my stomach.

  168.  #168Lexie Wojciechowska on April 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Hi ladies,

    I have a positive update! Spent the weekend with my boyfriend, and some interesting things came up.

    1) Our sexual experiences have deepened in emotional intimacy. He remarked on it, and I felt it in how he was with me.

    2)He told me that he’s phasing out the part-time work that takes him out of the country for months at a time. This is *huge* news. This work is something he’s been doing for 10 years, and he really enjoys it. I was stunned when he told me, and asked him why. He was coy, but ultimately said that he wants to focus on his other work and wants to be here more. Now, I know very well that this isn’t the same as him saying he wants to be around more for me. But it gets better.

    3) Part of the work he wants to focus on still involves travel, but he can take me with him on those travels. He said he’s already looked into it and begun planning for taking these trips with me. Trips that he plans to pay for, in full.

    4) and finally, he’s made some noise about meeting my family. Very subtle, light comments, but he’s making them.

    And finally, the best part: how I handled everything. When he told me about the change in his career plans, I just listened (at level 2). Didn’t interject what I thought about it until he asked me. And he did ask me what I thought about them, how I felt about them. And I told him “A big part of what I love about you is that you do what you love. I never want you to do something or be in a situation less than that. I feel surprised by this choice you’ve made, but it makes me feel good that you’ll be safer and still doing what you love.”

    Overall, I didn’t over-function this weekend, I let things be, I let my guard down and let my playfulness show. That was a major triumph for me.

    I also told him that, while I appreciate his wanting to get to know my family, that’s probably still a while in coming. The man who meets my family has to be really, really serious about me.

  169.  #169Sue on May 10, 2010 at 4:07 am

    Hi Rori,
    I would so appreciate your advice. A man on a dating site sent me a kiss in January (a man I had already noticed and secretly hoped would contact me). Then I didn’t hear back from him. After 2 weeks a friend suggested I send him a kiss back to “nudge” him, then he started emailing me. I felt unsure about how to date again after 4 years so I ordered your e-book. I practiced some feeling messages with him and leaning back. We seemed to click but he was nervous about calling and meeting me although we live close. This went for 2 months, and felt very slow but nice as well. I was glad the physical stuff was on hold. We were both nervous when we finally met, but I tried to lean back as much as possible. Soon after that I didn’t hear from him and sent him a text about 10 days later with a feeling message saying I felt sad and wondered if he wanted to teach me golf (maybe not good, but because he seemed so shy, I’d read doing something he is comfortable with could be good) He responded saying he was sorry and was camping over Easter with his son. He emailed and texted all week during which we went on 2 more dates (the second time I asked him, which I know was too forward). I haven’t heard from him in 3 weeks now. I have decided not to contact him like the last 2 times; I don’t want to set up a pattern of chasing him. I’m used to men chasing me and a relationship happening quickly. This is all different. I’m trying to trust he is just taking space and not to freak out. I found out he was married for 16 years and has been single for 9 months. What if I never hear from him again? Is there any way I can make contact, or do I just walk away? I’m keeping busy getting my own life in order and seeing friends but don’t want to date other men – I experimented with the dating site and went on 1 other date but truthfully I’m a bit over it. I just want to see where this one goes.
    Thank you in advance, Sue

  170.  #170Rori Raye on May 10, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Sue, Welcome – and “I just want to see where this one goes” is the kiss of death for whatever it is you want. With a man – it totally puts out the exact wrong vibe to him. The attitude you should have, and our work here is so that you FEEL this down to your toes is…”I wait for nothing. I am always living my life to the fullest, which includes experiencing every man woman and child fully, and entering into “relationship” with each of them in the moment, and opening myself to ANY man who is interested in me as someone I have curiosity about and am open to knowing better. This is Circular Dating. This is – “There are so many fish in the sea – you are wonderful, and if you aren’t the one for me, there are several lovely fish I know right now as well as you so that I will not skip a beat should we part ways.” This means NEVER zeroing in on any one man…Love, Rori

  171.  #171Sue on May 18, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Hi Rori, I found your reply a little confronting! The guy texted for coffee the day after I wrote you, which was a relief, but then all this fear set in. I didn’t reply for a few days and was witholding in my response. He did not suggest a date. Three days later I texted back with feeling messages as in your book (I felt weird about the way I responded to you…) I haven’t heard back yet – it wasn’t the surprise I was hoping for ie. rekindled interest. But you know what? Your reply made me realise how I always felt so tired, overwhelmed & emotional just in my own life and the idea of meeting other men was just too much. Of course, that sets me up to lean on this guy. I have decided to do a gentle detox program for the next couple of months and put the focus back onto myself. I have had chronic low energy for years and hormonal issues, not to mention procrastination. A nice by product might be expansion in my dating life. Sue X

  172.  #172Goddess Apriluv on June 7, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Dear Goddesses,

    Good news! I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 4 months. Right from the beginning, I shared with him my dreams. I expressed I didn’t want to be a girlfriend and I was dating to become someones wife. Opening my heart and sharing my dreams and want I wanted in a relationship from the beginning without feeling I had to wait to see where the relationship is going made all the difference. I practice Rori Raye’s “Leaning Back,” and then let him do all the work. Yes, he pursued me, called me, asked me out on dates, made all the plans, did all that is necessary in the “dance.” We continued our dance in the “relationship bubble.” I refrained from becoming sexuallly intimate and I expressed using my “speech” how sexually intimacy can wait until we both feel secure and know where our relationship is going. At one point, he questioned me about how I felt about moving in with him and again, I used another “speech” about how I did not want to be a live in girlfriend and felt comfortable staying in my own apartment; shacking up was not an option. Then one day he came to me with an engagement ring and a proposal for marriage! It was soooo much easier to get what I wanted using Rori’s tools I have been practicing from “How to Reconnect Your Relationship” and “Modern Siren.” Yes, I must continue to use the tools as we move forward!

    It was just last January that I was on the floor crying because of a break up I had had with a man who I had moved in with. I had to suddently leave because I realized moving in with him while he was stalling was not in my best interest and made me feel “yucky.” Yes, I had to stand up for what was best for me which was to leave. I used Rori’s rule not to beat myself up and focus on myself! And suddenly fabulous men were coming at me. I began circuit dating! Yes, I dated just to be dating and then he came! Yes, Keven came into my life and took no time to claim me with an engagement ring and marriage proposal. We have set the date for October 10, 2010 (10-10-10).

    In the meantime, I will continue using Rori’s tools to deepen our intimacy and our love. When I find myself falling back into my bad habits of leaning forward, I stop myself! I just STOP! I stop talking, calling, planning, directing and focus on myself; making myself beautiful, calm while focusing on my personal dreams. OMGOODNESS! I even use Rori’s tools in my professional life as an educator! “Learning Back” has made me feel smart, strong, confident and CALM! Yes, “Leaning Back” can also make some people feel uncomfortable if the intent for communication is negative. Yes, it shifts your vibe and repells negative energy! I could go on and on but for now . . . . . I will continue to transform my personal and professional life while practicing and implementing Rori’s tools each day!

    Love from:

    One Goddess to all Goddesses!

    Goddess Apriluv

  173.  #173ALI on June 17, 2010 at 10:44 am


  174.  #174Rori Raye on June 19, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Ali – Welcome – and just download the book and print it out…and then WORK WITH IT!!! Practice the Tools 24/7 – Learn to do Feeling Messages, to Listen at Level 2 – and everything will change overnight. Also – the all caps is a problem online – and I wonder if this represents you – are you an “all caps” woman, emotionally? This would be Overfunctioning….and seeing if this links up will be very helpful for you…Love, Rori

  175.  #175Kay on June 27, 2010 at 4:31 am

    Hi Rori
    I got told the ‘I need some space to discover how I really feel about you’ line 5 months ago. Been doing all the wrong things to try and win him back and it hasnt work. It made me feel that it was all my fault. I have not contacted for 3 weeks now as I have no choice but still deeply in love with this guy and dont want other men. I know his mother has interferred alot. When I first met her she said ‘he will never marry’. So it was her that told me that, not him. She has this power over him and he has gone back to live with him mum. Is he just too immature or could I really compete with a mother that is playing these sorts of games? What do we do when the ‘other woman’ is his mother?? Its feels harder because she gave birth to him and has had hold of him longer than I ever could. HELP? thanks xxx

  176.  #176Rori Raye on June 27, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Kay – the question is not – “could you compete with her”…but – why would you WANT to? You cannot be deeply in love with a man who doesn’t want you …no matter what the reason…it is simply an old construct of your mind mind and habit that makes you think you are…Love, Rori. Though I haven’t seen the new movie “Cyrus” – I rather like the concept of what a man is wiling to do to get the woman he wants…

  177.  #177Kay on June 28, 2010 at 3:20 am

    I fell in love with him because he was so emotionally supportive and funny AND a great love maker. He used to tell me how much he loved me and adored me but it was because I was ‘down’ all the time that he needed space, he didnt know who I was. He used to tell his mum stuff about me and of course she wd support him and say ‘if yr not happy then come home’ so in the end he did, leaving me feeling like ‘I’ ruined the whole relationship cos I was ‘down’. I guess the whole love thing was a lie then? I had never known such love, that’s sad so I guess I dont believe in better, plus I beleive we have a strong connection. Am I deluded? He made me feel I wasnt good enough yet I did everything for him. His mum was able to make him feel safer with her rather than I could make him feel safe cos I can’t make myself feel safe I guess. I feel shit.

  178.  #178Florence on July 1, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    I am with a 99.9% wonderful man. I love him with all my heart and have never loved a man like I love this one. Problem is when I met him he had been involved with someone for 20+ years at the time she was ill and later passed. I have been with this man almost 3 years and he is still telling me he us not ready to commit. Reason is (I assume) that he is still getting over his late girlfriend I do believe he cares and sometimes (when has had a few) he tells me how much he loves me but is still not ready to make me his “lady”. I am very free spirited and do not sit around waiting for him to call. The ironic thing is when he can’t reach me he starts to panic and has even shown jealousy. He also cant kiss me besides a dry kiss, he cant share bodily fluids (when we make love) he holds back his semen and he cant hold my hand he says that romantic kissing is still too intimate to share with me and he is not ready to hold my hand.As for the bodily fluids, I guess this is also too intimate for him to share. We are both in our late 50’s. Does this man really care for me or is he just lonely and using me to pass the time? Will he ever be able to share his love with someone again? He also has had other bad romantic experiences in his past. He is a leo and I am a sagittarius.

  179.  #179Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Florence, Welcome – and GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!!! He has serious, serious problems – a man who cannot kiss you or hold your hand has issues you cannot handle – unless you’re happy to just have a friend. I do not know if he had these same issues with that girlfriend – but you don’t say she was his WIFE – so my guess is he either doesn’t love you like he loved her – or his problems are insurmountable. Love, Rori

  180.  #180Kay on July 3, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    I agree with Rori – just tooooo plain weird, get yrself a proper man who at least wants to pump his stuff with you in a loving way – which includes ‘fluids’. xxxx

  181.  #181Flo on July 14, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Rori, hi, When a man says he needs space, & says “it has every bit to do with you, yet nothing to do with you” ….What does one do?? I have read a lot of your stories, & such , have gotten some good advice, tried some of the advice but am still so confused.. my ex & I were together for over 2 years, we split over 4 months ago, it was a very confusing split, it was more or less left at he didn’t know what else to do, (easy way out I told him) he didn’t want to be with any one else, he didn’t know what he would do if I was out of his life completely,,had to get things back in order with his kids, I did tell him , if he thinks getting rid of me was going to solve his issues, he may want to rethink his methods,,,lots of emotions observed obviously on both sides , he was crying, I was crying , it was kinda like I was just hangin there ,,,, he acted the way I felt… very heartbreaking I think , on both sides,, there was nothing wrong with our relationship, in fact it was great, without going into too much detail, it is a very confusing story ,almost unbelievable , his sister ( a 20+ year friend of mine) turned the entire family against me, for what reasons I do not know,, so it made it impossible for he & I to be together around his family & children. I lived with him for a year & a half before we agreed I needed to leave the property, his family treated him awful because he was with me,,When I say ,, I did nothing wrong,, I swear to you,, I did nothing wrong,, I was a victim in these games.. I had the worst Valentines day,, he went over to his fathers house where his children, family & our friends were,,, but I was left at his house for a couple of hours,, I couldn’t go next door, for I would have ruined the day for the kids (sometimes I wish I knew then, I tell ya-I would have went over there just for the hell of it!!) he did not come home until he saw me packing my stuff in my vehicle. The worst part was that they did these things on purpose too.. they know how to play the games,, they excluded him, would not invite him to family gatherings if I was around, if I did talk him in to taking me, hmm, a pin would drop, no one would talk or acknowledge me or any thing, rude nasty looks & comments, if they even looked at me, if I said hello, I was plain outright ignored, etc etc, and if his children were around , the mom or sister would scoup and run with the kids as soon as they saw me, so it made things very uncomfortable, not worth it most times, so the wedge between us grew bigger & bigger,, I do not know which was worse, the sister, the ex or the mom,,,I don’t even think they know why they don’t like me!! I was just an excuse, some one to blame every thing on.. the drama,,well, I allowed him to fight the battle, since it was his family, but they turned him into an outcast, they treated him as a traitor, a turncoat to the family,,, is what they called him, the fights even became physical, threats were made behind my back, so he never knew what to expect from them,, I think he was actually fearful of my safety,,so because he witnessed what was going on, & took my side because he knew!! period!!! they turned on him, so the only way to make it easier on him , as I told him was to “reward them for their ill behavior by continuiously giving them their way, again” ‘right!!’ . They won “they got me out of the picture”. The only communication I have had with him is to get my belongings ( a large item-he was still using) that was left at his house, I did not want to go on to the property after feeling so humiliated, and heart broken,, the family lives on the same property in different houses of course but all right there..well long story short, “I” contacted him,, and we hooked up. Now,, I was so angry when we split that I told him I was not his booty call, that I didn’t want to be his friend, and it was left at that. When “I” contacted him, he was very interested,, of course.. but I don’t know, I want to be with him, but I don’t want to deal with his baggage, not sure how it will work any ways,, I don’t have a problem at the moment with not being involved with his family & children, (now) (I only want him) my children are grown , his is not,, I am unsure myself what I want right now, but I am not really sure I want a relationship “for say” with him or any one, but yet as with any one, I need some one to talk to to laugh with me to hold me once in a while too,, what should I do,, I do still want to be with him in a relationship , but am fine with being single,, I was alone for over 2 years before I hooked up with him. Even tho he had a hard time expressing his feelings, I know he cares very deeply for me, and all this was as hard on him as me, sooo , I guess maybe I just need some sort of advice ,,. I guess, I don’t know if I am hoping he will grow a pair and follow his heart or if I just want to fill the void right now, til some one else comes along?, obviously at this point, I do not know what he thinks, and the last time I asked how he felt & that I could feel he was pulling away from me , because I knew something was wrong, and the breakup is what I got out of it?? sooo, I am so very confused..thanks

  182.  #182Rori Raye on July 14, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Flo – welcome, and GET OUT OF THERE! This is a destructive, disfunctional, awful situation. You need to work on YOU and turn around how you came to be in an emotional place where you would tolerate that for 2 seconds!!! We’ll help you get the emotional stability and self-esteem you need to deal with your anger and get moving towards what will make you HAPPY!! This will NOT! Love, Rori

  183.  #183Debbie on July 28, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Hi Rori,
    I’ve read your “How to get the Relationship You Want” and I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I’m willing to committ 100%. Also, I just got “Reconnect your Relationship” last night and started listening to it on my way to work this morning. This is the man I want for the rest of my life.

    He has been my boyfriend for 6 years and told me 3 weeks ago that he needed some space, that he was feeling smothered. He’s called me every other day or so since then, but the conversations are very short and rather meaningless. He just called me again, here at work, casually asking how I was doing, asking about a legal problem I’m having and asking about my children. Then he says to me: “I Love you, but I just didn’t like the way things were going.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard him say that. It sounds so final-I’m terrified of losing him. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing, all I could come up with was “I don’t think work is the right place to discuss this.” I feel him slipping away and I’m desperate for that little connection that will continue to give me hope that its not completely over even though I can hear it in his voice. I don’t know what to say to him when he calls.

    Also, a few months ago we bought concert tickets. The concert is in two weeks. I don’t know if he still intends on going and I’m afraid to ask him. More afraid he’ll say ‘no’ and my little bit of hope will go right out the window. Do I wait until he calls again to ask him, do I call him, do I assume he’s not going? I’ve got a girlfriend who really wants it, but if he still wants to go, I’d rather go with him.

    If you could give me some quick tips to do NOW, I feel like I can’t listen to you CD’s fast enough.
    Thank you – feeling desperate!

  184.  #184Rori Raye on July 28, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Debbie – after six years of this…your only workable strategy is to Circular Date. I mean it…it’s the ONLY way…I would recommend you go all stops out and get Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right and talk and interact on here non-stop until you learn Feeling Messages and get some boundaries and self-esteem. You can do it…you have to focus on YOU – and then all KINDS of men will come running (him, too – but you may not want him after you get a taste of what it feels like to be adored and wanted and secure and committed. Love Rori

  185.  #185Debbie on July 28, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Hello everyone, it’s me again,

    Rori says I should interact on here non-stop, so here I am.

    My problem is that I don’t want to date anyone else. I wouldn’t say that I have a self-esteem problem either. I’m a woman who knows what (who) she wants. In the beginning of our relationship I did get all those things. He adored me and wanted me, I felt secure. He treated me like a Queen. During the last year his feelings for me started to slip away. I want all those things back. If he has already made up his mind and stops calling me, well, I don’t know what I’ll do. I want to reconnect with THIS man. Help!

  186.  #186Daria on July 28, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Debbie – Rori told you to Circular Date so you can reconnect with THIS man (and there will be others along the way).

    One of the results will be that THIS man will step up to claim you if he has it in him.

    If you’d like to interact, post on the front page posts at


  187.  #187kim on August 13, 2010 at 5:26 am


  188.  #188Rori Raye on August 13, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    kim – we can’t always have everything. It’s up to you to decide if what he can give you is good enough – can you live with it without trying to change him? He’s affectionate, treats you like a queen – just can’t say words or marry. I might go with that. It’s up to you! Love, Rori

  189.  #189Ginni on August 24, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    I am feeling scared, my guy and I are at a cross roads with intimacy, and it has me feeling I’m on the edge of a cliff. We were passionately committed and perfectly matched with attraction, hopes and future. He has some trust issues with woman and I felt that consistency and love would deminish them eventually. Well I began overfunctioning as always, and i feel him slipping away. I back up physically and have continued to emotionally and he usually steps up. But we had a fight and I provoked it by feeling resentful and presenting an issue to feed his insercurity, and he crushed me emotionally, by stating that everything about our exculsitivey was a lie and our exculisvity is based on our commitment to each as he often says that a girlfriend is nothing to a man unless she is the woman he intends to marry, which we all know is acturate and why I felt so safe and happy with my stud . This happened 6 days ago, I have tried so hard not to intiate any calling , but I texted him nasty things a few times. He texted me Saturday night and I didnt answer. Well Sunday I tried to reach out to him and he didnt answer? I texted again today and said When can we talk? Its been 6 days and I miss u > Dont you miss me or care? He replied right away and said he would get in touch with me later on today? Im feeling so scared? I could use some help, I want to do something, but I know I can’t but I need to be prepared? What if he doen’t call? I know what I want , but somehow I always throw digs in , instead of being vulnerable, I feel scared that all my overfunstioning has made him lose the attraction and if Im vulernable I will be crushed again. My things are at his house and i will need to retrieve them , or he will offer to return them, and It will hurt me so bad. He calls me everyday , wishes me goodnite every nite, we see each other at least 5 times a week , I feel like i’m dying , i am trying to be strong because if he has lost it for me there is nothing I can do but feel the pain and move on, but I really don’t want to put myself in the boat again. I would prepfer to avoid it completely? I feel so scared and after reveiwing this letter I realise that I am assuming he is going to dump me, I feel so scared to think or hope that he will reaasure me and take back the awful things he said , but again I have to just sit and wait it out? And now I’m freaking out what if he doesnt call? HELP PLEASE i have been listening to my tapes, and right now nothing seems to fit express maybe a speech or just focusing on myself, but I can”t ignore the pain I feel, we have been together since last September and we are very committed to each other, it just can’t end like this , it just doesn’t feel right. I know I don’t wnat him if he really meant anything he said , but I feel he is resentful and scared IDK a thing. I know I am not suppose to care about how he feels , but it seems right now that my future with him depends on how he feels?
    Do I sound pathetic, cause i feel pahtetic.

    Tuesday, 24 August 2010 @ 12:36pm

  190.  #190Alison on August 31, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Hello Rori,

    I have just downloaded your book and am reading through it. I have a question. I have met a guy on the internet – through a computer online game that we both play, he is in France and i am in England and we have a lot in common. It is 6 months that we have been chatting through the game, msn, skype and webcam, but have never actually met. Do the same rules apply as most of them, as far as i can see can be used even on texting chat.

    I had planned before I met him to go on a trip to France to the christmas markets they have there, and I will still go, he has said he is not sure he wants to meet me, but he does want to know when I am going and where I am staying. I will go anyway because I have been looking forward to it as a few days holiday, but feel a bit disappointed he may not meet me; Online, and on skype and over the webcam he is very affectionate and caring.

    Is this a case of accepting ‘when he says No’? or is it that he is just unsure of how far to go with me?

  191.  #191Rori Raye on August 31, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Alison – England and France are so close – it’s insane that after 6 months still no visit – he’s just not what he seems to be. Go for yourself – if he meets you and something happens, great, if not, just forget about him – it’s not real. Love, Rori

  192.  #192Liz on September 7, 2010 at 8:43 am

    After giving up everything and relocating. I was told he was not in love with me. He wants me to move in and be a friend. Can this work in terms of him falling in love with me again? Is this the right move for me? Help me Rori I need some advice.

  193.  #193Rori Raye on September 7, 2010 at 9:45 am

    Oh, Liz – I’m so sorry. No – do NOT move in with him as a friend unless you must temporarily because you need a place to stay. What you need is to decide where to live. If you stay in his city for reasons that are good for YOU – then go find a job and a place to live and start over. You can DATE him – but you must date others as well. You can live in his home to save money at first – but you MUST TREAT him like a friend and date other men. Do NOT sleep with him!!! Yes – things can change…but holding your breath around that will be damaging to you. This is difficult, I’m so sorry – If you feel like you actually COULD feel like he’s just a roommate – then you can do anything you want. Love, Rori

  194.  #194Jo on September 7, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am 43 and just started internet dating. I had really beautiful photos taken, and wrote a profile that many (seemingly) high quality men are responding to because I posed the question: Are you strong enough to be my man? I set the bar high, and they are responding to the challenge! And exactly the kind of man I was targeting: high achievers who respect my degree of difficulty (My age is 43 but look REALLY good, and am told I look like I’m in my early thirties all the time), plus I have a brain and know my worth without seeming arrogant.

    My dilemma is this: I live in a suburb, and one of the men who has reached out to me lives downtown. I am wondering what the protocol would be for our first date?

    He asked me out to dinner this Thursday (he asked me over the weekend, but Thursday was my earliest availability), and said he would be fine driving out to my suburb and taking me out to a restaurant of my choice, or I could meet him in the city and he would pick the restaurant. He said he would take care of all other planning and reservations, just to let him know what I choose. So…which would be the better choice in terms of maintaining my leaning back posture? I told him I would think about it and get back to him this evening!


  195.  #195Rori Raye on September 7, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Jo – This is just your first date of many. First internet dates are meet-and-greets – shouldn’t be dinner (but you’ve already set it up…) should just be coffee or walking dates – no more than an hour so you’re not committed past that…If he said he’s willing to drive to you – MEET him at the restaurant close to you because you don’t know who he is. Later on, you can meet him in the city…but for now, let him come to you. Love, Rori

  196.  #196ysay on September 13, 2010 at 2:59 am

    hi rori, i am with my man for 3 yrs..And everythings went so smooth with the way things going on in our relationship. Untill one day i was just surprised that the man who shows me affection, love and care dumped me because of the facebook thing.. I know it sounds weard, and even me can;t really imagine or believed its happening with us. I’d been talking to his mom over the phone for 3yrs, and she treat me nice and sounds that she liked me for his son,. One day she asked me to add one of my bf uncle’s in my fb, but the reason is for me to see some of their family pictures,. My bf don’t like facebook, i know because even his son he don’t like to do that facebook thing. Maybe i also have faults because even in fact that i knew he will not going to liked it i still do it, but i never do imagine that it will be the caused of him breaking up with me. And besides, its his mom who asked me and gave me that idea. But i am not blamming his mom either. After 2 days of not emailing me, i tried to call him just to asked how is doing? And i was so shocked when his almost shouting at me over the phone, asking me what am i doing with his uncle’s facebook? And he tells me things that makes me really shocks like: He will not going to marry me. That i am stalker. That were two different people.And that were not compatible. And that i am the last person that comes in his mind. Things that makes me cry the moment that i heard it from him.. 3 yrs id never been but faithful, honest, and nice to him. And never that i tried to hurt or even harm his feelings. I know he loves me in that 3 yrs, and i don’t think he can do faked it either. Thats why i was surprised when he acted like that just because of that facebook thing. And when i told him that its his mom’s idea, he said NO. And he accused me that i did search for it..( how can i do search for it wherein i don’t know his relatives name..),. All i know from his family is his 2 kids, his mom. i’d been talking to his step dad too, but don’t even remember his name either..
    After the day of breaking up, i did those things that makes me became Needy, chasing him,etc.. I know i just did those things because i still want to save our relationship. He stopped emailing me for abut 3 months.. But i still do calling him once a month, and his still answering my calls but not as an interested as before. And it really breaks my hurt. I don’t know whats really going on because everytime i do talked to him, he don’t say anything. He just asked me to wait for him untill he got back here in our place because were going to talk he said. Maybe i did pushed him farther away from me. And even if i know that he still loves me, i gave up . I did my part, (begging him,chasing,etc). I also did asked some of his relatives whom i think can gave me some answers for his sudden changes, but they didn’t tell anything. Even his mom asked to stopped calling her and just wait for his son. I can’t imagine that all of this things are happening to me or to our relationship right now?.. I am so hopeless that nobody can gave me good advices because my story is rare different. But i still love my man,. I still do respect him, even if he took it away from me. I don’t know whats the best thing to do. he will be back next month,, ( i hope he will not) and i don’;t know what will be the next.. I know i don’t deserved to be treated like this, but i have to take the risk.
    Rori, pls gave me advice for my situation. PLEASE.. I am begging you for help…

  197.  #197Rori Raye on September 13, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    ysay – I wish I could help you – but this situation sounds so intense and complex and unreal – it’s hard to know what to say. Sometimes misunderstandings happen and wreck relationships. Perhaps it will be resolved. Perhaps it was not meant to be, and you must move on. After 3 years I can only imagine how difficult that will be. Love Rori

  198.  #198ysay on September 14, 2010 at 1:48 am

    hi rori, what do you mean so intense and complex? I am sorry i was lost with this,,, And what do you mean that :” hope it was not meant to be?. Unreal? Why?
    I want some advise. what is the best thing for me to do?.. I am really bothered about this things.. And i badly need some advise please…
    I want to move on, but for some reason i don’t know why untill now that its been 3 months i still can’t.
    Please i am begging you to gave me advise,,

  199.  #199ysay on September 14, 2010 at 1:52 am

    rori, sorry for this, but why you said its unreal?
    please help me.. I badly need your help..

  200.  #200ysay on September 14, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    rori i was reading all your advises,. The way you answers their questions and comments.. How come you can gave me some of your advises? What makes my story so different from the rest? Your sounds that your kind a hard for you to gave me advise?
    Sorry i sound mean to you, but i badly need an advise..And i will not be here in your site if i am not impress the way you gave them advises… So please, i am begging you,,,

  201.  #201Jlina on September 14, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    ysay….hello, I didn’t really understand your story – you fought and broke up with your man over facebook? What Rori is saying is that you may have to move on no matter what and that will be hard.

    If you go post on the most recent thing/page that Rori wrote on, more people can hear you and advise you.

    Rori usually only answers us once, when we are new to welcome us.

    Good luck!

  202.  #202ysay on September 16, 2010 at 12:17 am

    hi Jlina..thanks for giving your time reading to my story..
    But the break up just really started in that facebook thing..I will make it clear so you guys out there can give me some advise becuz i am really being crazy thinking whats best for me to do, so please everyone can give me advise and i will highly appreciated.
    Me and my man been together for 3 yrs.. His 41 and has two boys with him.And its his mom whose taking care of them everytime my man go back to his job.He was devorced 7 yrs ago. And as far as what his mom told me, his ex wife has an affair to another guy while my man is working out of town. But everytime i asked my man what makes him decide to devorced his ex wife, he just told me that the ex wife don’t know how to take care of their family, especially to the kids. And that the ex wife is always drunk. Anfd i believed on him eventhough i was confused for the real reason because his mom tells different story..
    Anyway,I meet my man here in place where i am working right now. They said his been here a long time and even have a gf for so long.. His a nice guy, . First time he was introduced to me by his friend, i don’t have that so called” Love at first sight”.. His a good looking guy. And very respective here in our place where we both working.
    First year of our relationship, i know he don’t care for me and don’t trust me either. For what reason. maybe because he has issues with his ex wife as what his mom been telling me. Second, maybe because his thinking that i am just playing and not that serious about having a relationship with him. But as time goes by, i tried my best to show him how much i do care for him, how much i do love him. And i’d stay faithful and honest to him and to our relationship. Especially everytime his not around with me.
    I let him feel how much i do respect him. And never that i’d tried to hurt him and harm his feelings.
    About his mom, we talked on the phone every now and then for that 3 yrs, but my man never tried to show some of their family pictures,especially his mom. His mom was so nice to me. I almost treated her as my own mom.. Or should i say more than my own mom.. 3 yrs was been so smooth with me and my man.. We come to the time that we also encountered some misunderstanding which is just normal, but it just take a day and we worked things out. His been nice to me. Shows his affection,,love and care.Not just only for me but to my family as well.Especially to my son. He always do cheer me up when i am down. Always helping me out.
    Month of May, before he left i asked him about his plan for our relationship because some of our friends been teasing me, what is his plan. And i told him about it.And he said: ” His not mad if i did asked,(because before he used to tell me that his no longer seeing his self to be married again). And that its time maybe for him to set down and think about it. And even my dad used to asked him about it before he left , and he said: He cannot promise anything, but he said he respect me. And that he don’t have any other gf except me.
    So , a month after he left his still emailing me. And i used to call him once in awhile. Untill one day, i was talking to his mom on the phone because she will going to take her knee surgery. And i asked her if she can send me some pictures of their family if she has,. And then about a day after that, i called her again to asked how is she doing after her surgery. And from then, she told me to add on my facebook one of his brother. And that is my bf’s uncle. So i can see some of their pictures. They are half american and half indian(native). But i told his mom not to tell it to his son, because we both know(his mom) that my man don’t like internet, especially facebook.. And then after 2 days, i haven’t receieved any email from my man, so i tried to call him because i am worried maybe his sick or whatever because he usually emailed me everyday. And when i was asking how is he doing? He sounds pissed-off9 for the first time) And asking me ” What am i doing with his uncle’s facebook?.. And i told him that its his mom who asked me to do it because i just wanted to see their pictures. And he shouted at me over the phone. telling me that is BULLSHIT.. He told me that i did search for it. Which is not really true. Because first, i don’t have any idea about his uncle’s so how can i do search for it in the internet. And he followed things like: ” were two different people. That were not compatible. And the worst above is that: He will not going to marry me he said.
    It always broke my heart the moment i heard it from him. And thats where i started crying on the phone while we were talking.
    The first thing that comes in my mind is that, maybe he has an issues about his uncle or his scared that i might know something about their family or what?
    I was really really hurt that time. But still i asked him to forgive me about the facebook thing. And i almost beg him just for me to give another chance.. So after a week, i still tried calling him just for me to know whats really going on, because i know his not that narrow minded jerk for me him to broke up with me just because of that facebook thing. And so my friend and i, think of something that will make him talked to me again.. And thats we make that so called: ‘White lies”.. This is the only way that i can talked my man again.. but god knows that i don’t like to do it either,. And so he talked to me,.First he saounds mean but later on he started throwing jokes as he usually do eveytime we talked on the phone. And which i really did miss too. But then, at the end that White Lies didn’t even make him to change his mind. He just told me to wait for him untill he got back here in our place and were going to talk,. But girls will be just girls,, not going to stopped untill they get what they want..
    And so i asked dome questions to his aunt just for me to get the answer why he dumped me that easily. And then in that email, i told his aunt that i don’t want to come to the point that some of our friends here will going to dis respect my man for what he did to me. But his aunt shows my email to my man’s mom. And then her aunt told me that she did gave my email to my man’s mom and she didn’t liked it. But when i was talking to my man’s mom, she didn’t mentioned that emailed to me.. Untill i found it at the facebook that she didn’t like my email. And so i called her to asked what in that email that she didn’t like? And then she started telling me things that she will not let her son go back here in our job if he will just be going to be dis-respected by others. And that it is not nice to tell to anybody about what his son did to me..Especially to their relatives because she said they are very respected on thier place. She didn’t sounds mad or upset, but she told me to stop calling her. And just wait for his son so we can talked,.
    Maybe i am also wrong asking but i am just really confused. And it seems that man dont want to talked about it everytime i called him//..
    His still answering my call, but not emailing me for 3 months,.but everytime i do mentioned his mom’s name he started to make an excuses so we can hang up the phone.
    I just want to know if what i did is wrong?
    I think all those white lies and everything will not going to happened if my man just know how to communicate his feelings or frustrations.
    do you think his being coward or really have trusthworthy issues. Or a mama’s boy.
    Tell me what to do because i am starting to be crazy… I badly need some help..

  203.  #203Kay on September 16, 2010 at 10:24 am

    This guy just doesn’t trust women any more and it isn’t your job to council and heal him, he has to do it himself and ‘want’ to heal himself. different if he will open up and work with you but he isn’t. It’s hard cos everyone has baggage etc, but depending where and how you feel about your life/relationship experiences, you can find a guy to work ‘with’ and he will work with you too (without necessarily realising it). At least one you wants a form of relationship in the first place is a good starting point cos with some, you only have to fart and they feel pressure. Know you are worth more, it shouldn’t have to be ‘this’ hard. Your love is best channelled elsewhere. (just my feeling on it). good luck and lots of love, KayAlison xxx

  204.  #204Daria on September 16, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Dear ysay – it sounds like you’re a doormat. you are giving and giving , being exclusive with a man who you are not married to when you want to be married, making excuses for bad behavior from him.

    It felt confusing at first as to what happened that he would pull away over facebook – at this point it sounds like he’s a toxic man,

    and you have very low self esteem and keep accepting bad behavior.

    YOU are actually a Goddess and deserve a wonderful relationship.

    I would buy rori’s book (its only $20) and you’ll see how you can turn your love life around babystep by babystep.

    You must learn to put YOU first with men and accept nothing less than what is good for you.

  205.  #205ysay on September 17, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    hi daria.. thats what i am feeling though,, that after all what i’ve done to him in 3 yrs he i felt that his treating me as a doormat..And it hurt me so bad, becuz i know i don’t deserved it either.,,.
    And yes i really can;t understand his behavior about the facebook thing…Maybe he has lots of TRASH about women or about his past marriage, but i know i tried my best to show him that i will not going to hurt or even harm his feelings as liked what his ex wife did to him. But i guess KAY is right, its not my job to heal him, he has to do it himself. I think in 3 yrs i already proved him that my love for him is real..
    I just don’t know where to start to pick up all the pieces of my life.. And i don’t know if its right not to give him respect anymore, same with his family? They treated me and really makes me feel like a doormat.. And i don’t deserved it. I trust this man so much and gave him everything.
    Is it just right for him to just pulled away and never talk to me anymore because of that facebook?
    What should be the best thing for me to do for him to know that he really hurt me so bad? I am still confused what if he talks to me when he get back next month?

  206.  #206ysay on September 17, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    hi KAY, thanks for giving time reading my story same with DARIA..thanks guys i really do appreciate it..
    I am just confused and pls bear me with this..
    A week before i deleted the facebook that i made exclusive for his family. I send his aunt,cousin and uncle a message just for me thank them because even in just a short time they’ve been so nice to me. and at the same time to ask for apology since i’d been asking them questions just for me to find an answers for why my man broke up with me because of that facebook? That time i think i was really really confused and panic,( i admit) for what things going on with my man. Maybe its not right to asked them, and i admit my fault. But is it right that they will going to dis-respect me for that? And do you think asking them some questions is wrong? And why is it that his mom asked me not to call her anymore? Just because i emailed her sister telling that: “I don’t want my man to be dis respected by some of our friends, thats why i am trying to find an answer for his sudden changes>? Is it wrong that i emailed like that? Tell me whats the best for me to do? I am so sad for all the things thats been going on right now. Especially to his mom, becuz were friends for 3 yrs. But i just can’t really imagine why all of a sudden she also asked me to stop calling her?She didn’t sounds mean or pissed-off either while we were talking on the phone, but she said its between me and his son. But its not nice for me to asked some of their relatives because they are so respected in their place. And she don’t want everybody to talked about his son. Because no matter how much he hurts me she said, she still love his son. And i know. I understand her too either. Thats why asked for apology if ever what i write in my email makes her hurt her feelings as a mom. Because thats not really my intention either,. Actually i’d been telling her every now & then, that no matter how his son hurt me there are no place in my heart to begin to hate him. Which is true, because untill now i still can feel that i still care for him and respect him..
    Is it right that i should stop being nice to them?

  207.  #207Kay on September 19, 2010 at 2:06 am

    hi there
    The trouble with this is you are now analysing everything and if, what, why, where etc and it is doing you no good. Get some self belief going instead, otherwise you are just attracting all the energies of these people (his family and him etc) and they are not living in the right energy and life that you WANT. This has taught you what you don’t want and what is intolerable to you. There is a much better man waiting for you out there. Once you believe it, you will attract him in. Self belief and a little bit of healing time will get you to the place you want to be. You need a man to live and work alongside you in life and I don’t believe it is this one and I think you would agree. Start healing cos this guy seems rather toxic to your life. Lots of love, Kayx

  208.  #208ysay on September 22, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    thanks for your advises.. I am expecting that would be your reaction.. (annoyed).. but i understand though,,and i’d been thinking all the things from the very beginning of this 3 yrs of our relationship.. and i guess even if i make those what they called” white lies”.. i know i have nothing do wrong in this man.. I gave him my heart and soul just for him to know how much i do love him. I showed him who i really am, but in his part he did not. Because in 3 yrs there are just few things that i knew from him,. And what i was figured it out, i am not his priority in life,..
    I am trying to move on and step forward..Making myself so busy, and stopped worrying a lot because i know i already did my part.. (apology, calling him) and asking sorry if ever i did something wrong..
    I just always put in my mind right now that: Whatever happen, it always happen for a reason.. And if its meant for you, its meant for you . And maybe god is just trying to open my eyes and be as strong person. I know i am not tough, but i don’t deserved to be treated as a dorrmat because as far as i know id never been but honest, and faithful to this man..And even if he hurt me so bad, i already forgive him. And there is no space here in my heart to begin to hate him and even to dis-respect him for what he did to me. No bitterness either.
    I know he will not going to work this things out, because he already scaped for his commitment to me. And he just used this facebook thing as an excuse for breaking up with me since he cannot see anyway out, because i know id been so nice to him eversince and he knew it too.. The love, care anf affection that he showed me for 3 yrs, same thing with my family. I know he didn’t faked it either.
    I’d been in 2 relationship before, but this is the first time that i saw a man whose been trying to put his self down just for me to hate him and let him go. .
    Anyway, thanks for your advise guys.. appreciate it much..God bless….

  209.  #209Daria on September 22, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    ysay – i personally wasn’t feeling annoyed, more concerned and unsure what to say.

    and to me, its only I that can treat myself as a doormat

    Rori’s stuff works to raise our self esteem, in situations like this

    i feel glad you found this place, its a step to healing

  210.  #210Jacqueline on September 22, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Ysay, hi! I didn’t know you’d told me the rest of the story here. I think the advice is good, and it’s what you need and want to hear -that he’s got issues, that he’s treating you like a doormat. But I have a suggestion that’s a little different. I think his mom was telling you in as nice a way as she could that you must keep what’s between you and the guy between you and him ONLY. She may even have felt guilty that she told you about facebook. So, maybe this guy is not going to continue on with you, but I know I always want to talk things over with my girlfriends and stuff first -when what I ought to be doing is communicating with my guy first. Maybe that helps for next time. It’s helped me a lot with my new boyfriend that I almost always go to him first with any problems.

    Still, the guy put you off for months, etc. so I hope you do decide to move on and have a more fulfilling relationship.

    Best wishes!

  211.  #211Karen on September 23, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    I Rori,
    I posted a question to you when my situation began 3 months ago and many things have happened since then. I had a 2.5 year relationship with a man and we were planning on getting engaged this month. I loved him, still do more than any other man. We shared a common lifestyle,religion, interests and I was very attracted to him. The 2 red flags that I noticed throughout the relationship is that he could tend to be moody (affectionate and super fun one minute then quiet and ignoring the next) and overly critical of me (cooking, parenting, dressing etc).

    Because of those 2 points I wanted to make sure that this man was right for me and my 5 year old son long term. I purchased your toxic men CD and it really spoke to me. I then purchased have the relationship you want and began to use the tools in both on him for a good 2 months.

    He suddenly dumped me out of the blue in the hallway of a hotel room in front of my son on a weekend when he was supposed to help me work out of town. I was devastated. I thought the tools would help me transform him then realized that you said the ones who can’t do the relationship dance will leave.

    A month later, he came back to me in tears needing to tell me why he had to break up with me. He told me that he still loves me and still wants to bring me a ring in September. He tried out for a reality show behind my back (big brother) and made it. He claimed that our entire break up was fake. He wanted me to really believe it was real because he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone about the show and he was worried if I was associated with him on the show that I could possibly loose my job at a religious school where I was teaching.

    We left things as we would talk when he came home. I used your modern siren CD and heart connection toolkit all summer. I focused on my window (working with children, my son, aerobics) and circular dated. All while he was living it up in LA on CBS prime time 3 nights a week. The comments, texts and emails I was getting from the community hurt so much. Things like, looks like he just kept you around until he could get out there and find someone better. Or obviously, he never really wanted to commit to you. The summer was torture. People were calling me telling me that they were watching him give women massages after dark etc.

    I attached myself to a man over the summer who was completely not family material. I became attached probably to avoid the pain of my current situation and now am dealing with the pain also of being dumped by him.

    When my ex-boyfriend got kicked off the show he did a morning interview with CBS claiming that he wants to come home and get married and left a girl behind who he never really wanted to break up with and wants to get back together. Again the comments from people were, well I guess he didn’t find anything better so he wants to come back to you- unbelievable!

    He comes home and for 2 weeks I did not hear from him. I was not about to call or text as I’m following your tools to the extreme now. I received a gift basket from him at my door one day- no card, no call – nothing. I waited a few days thinking maybe I was supposed to thank him. I just sent a text, was the gift basket from you? No response in return. I waited a few days- still nothing.

    I couldn’t take it anymore and made a rash decision to send an empowering goodbye letter to him. I explained that while I love him dearly, the headgames are not emotionally healthy for me and I need to be emotionally healthy for my work and my son. I explained that while his life is heading in the direction of fame and excitement, mine was heading towards family and stability and our paths seemed to be going in two different directions. I explained that I would have been fully supportive of his dream to go on the show if he was honest with me, but now I cannot trust him. Finally, I asked for him never to contact me again in any way shape or form. Sadly, that seems easy for him to have done.

    I feel sad. Second guessing sending the letter. We were supposed to be engaged this week. While it was hard to be with someone with such mood swings, I still love him. I have had 8 coffee dates in the past month through on line dating and it has made me even more sad. I miss him so much more after those dates. I have decided to get off of all on line dating sites and stop dating entirely. I am stuck. I miss him day and night. I dream about him every night. It is like a death. One minute, telling me we will spend our lives together, then no contact watching him live it up on TV. It’s hard for me to see- he is so happy.

    I have decided to focus only on work, friendships, community, volunteer work, my son, keeping myself healthy and just healing. When will this pain go away and when will I be excited to open my heart again? Right now I feel as if he is the only man I will ever love- or love one who is also like him. I run from the nice boring ones so I am resorting to being alone forever. People tell me it’s not the end of the world to be alone forever- I could still have a good life.

    I still listen to your tools every day- this situation though has struck me to the core and I still struggle with it hour by hour.
    Thanks for your help Rori…

  212.  #212ysay on September 23, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    hi there Jlina!..
    I am not blamming anyone in this break up.,especially my man’s mom. Never that it comes in my mind that i did blammed her for this facebook thing because she’s been so nice to me eversince. Same with his step-dad. They are all nice to me. Thats why i also felt sorry when she told me that she was hurt(mom) when she read my email. Maybe there are some mis-understanding in that email wherein i put in there that: ” I don’t want my ex bf TO BE dis- respected by some of our friends for what he did to me”.. And i also did mentioned in that email about my ex bf ex-wife.. Because his mom told me that the reason why my ex bf left his ex wife is because she has another man while she’s still with my ex bf. And when my ex bf found it, they still try to worked it out and go for counselling untill it really don’t worked out for both of them. In my email i asked his(bf) aunt about it because i am just confused wherein how come he can forgive his ex wife and make a counselling wherein he was already cheated? I am just wondering wherein he can’t give me another chance to think that its only facebook thing?.. Maybe asking some of his relatives is not good or they mis-understood me for that, but that time i was thinking that they can do help me find an answer for me to understand why my man looks like very scared when he found out that i was talking to some of his relatives. Honestly, I am thinking in this scenario that my man is hiding something. ” Shouuld i say” SECRET” .That he don’t want me to know thats why even if he still likes me he said during the break up, he told me not to waste my time with him because his nothing buit Shit.. How was that? If you were the gf, whats the first thing that will comes in your mind? Wherein you know in that 3 yrs he really enjoyed your company, and always wants to spend his time being with you. And then all of a suuden he will going to tell you that stuff?.. I know he still loves me untill now, but its something like his trying to fight for his feelings because his scared. Or being coward..
    Now all i want to show him is that I am just always here and wiiling to listened whatever bothers on his mind. Or whatever is that Secret for. But i think its too late because i already push him away from me because of those they so called: ” white Lies”..
    I already lose hope that i can still save this relationship because i also stopped calling and emailing him. The last time i called him was last Sept. 02, and when i did mentioned his mom, he said: he got plenty of things to do, and he will just talke to me later:.” He will be back here next month. And honestly, everyday that passes by i become more and more nervous and affraid because i really don’t know what will going to happen. Or should i just let him go… Plenty of questions lingered in my mind. that i don’t know if he will going to have time to talk to me and clear all things up between me and him. Who knows. But i am expecting for the WORST>… And i almost prepared myself that he will not going to talk to me anymore.

  213.  #213If you stop betting, you never have to lose... on October 9, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    how do i move on from a relationship that was everything i wanted, but didnt work out? from a guy that made a huge and lasting impression on me and make myself emotionally available for the next guy?…
    what is ‘circular dating’?

    thanks for your help Rori xx

  214.  #214Rori Raye on October 10, 2010 at 9:56 am

    If you stop – all the information you need is here and in my programs and ebook…the rest is up to you to PRACTICE my tools 24/7. The simple answer is – because of subconscious patterns you’re not aware of – you’re “programmed’ to not want to be happy, and to want to suffer,, and so you instinctively compel yourself to suffer. The cure is to discover who you are, how your patterns work in each moment (not “why” they came to be…) and take the baby-steps, using my Tools (even the simplest ones around breathing and being “mindful”) into happiness – which will be foreign country for you! NONE of this depends on ANY man! Love, Rori

  215.  #215Apple on October 23, 2010 at 3:51 am

    Dear Rori,
    It seems like i have this problem, ive had so many relationships with guys in the past, so i went solo to clear my head for over a year then i met my current partner.

    Theproblem we are having is that he doesnt seem to want sex with me i mean about once every other week. We have only been seeing each other six months.

    He says he loves me but not sure about long term. I find this very hurtful.

    Ive had the same problem with other guys- i dont think i have a ridiculous sexual appetite.

    Ifind this problem really embarresing

    please help


  216.  #216Stacy Remans on October 24, 2010 at 2:06 am

    great point made

  217.  #217Ang Brett on November 6, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Hi Rori

    I really need some help please, after months of crying myself to sleep and loosing the plot totally as a mother, I still have the most overpowering love for the guy I have been with for 7 years who feels he likes me a lot but is not in love with me!!! ouch those words hit straight to the bone. Every waking moment this guy is on my mind, nothing makes me happy, I go to the gym ok for a while, watch a movie ok for a while, up and down, happy and sad life is like a roller coaster and I hate it. 6 months ago h e told me he wanted out, I managed to talk him round to just taking each day as it comes, but so far no massive rush of love from him, if I dont call him – I hear from him 2 weeks later, he is just not into me and how can I make him into me? I have tried absolutely everything on this planet. I have just purchased some Rori Raye material which i have read 3 times and feel if I stick to the rules the little connection I have with my guy will vanish all together, I used to be a strong person but now I crumble at the smallest thing and always in tears, he always makes excuses like my kids dont like him, and he is too busy to call, but I know he could find a second to call me if he really wanted, I would love to bring him back to me and cannot see myself letting go, more than anything I would love this relationship to work, please send me your advice anything you can share I would greatly appreciated
    Australia x

  218.  #218Karen on November 23, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Is there a support board for feeling hopeless? I have been using all of your tools religiously for 8 months. You have supported me throughout these months as well as various women on here. If you remember, my ex-boyfriend was a narcissist who broke up with me to be on a reality show, then wanted to come back with a ring upon the shows ending. I sent a goodbye letter when I never heard from him 3 weeks after he returned. I circular dated and I focus on my window. I constantly use feeling messages. I make time for friends, workout and eat healthy- like a modern siren should.

    Recently, I “fell off the wagon”. I came onto a board here for advice but waited a few days after not getting a response. I peeked on my ex-boyfriend’s facebook page- leaning forward. What I found shocked me. It was pictures of him with a beautiful model arm and arm traveling and being interviewed by various TV programs. It was a tough blow to take. That same week, all of my fun circular dates came to a screeching hault. Not one called me again. Since I don’t lean forward, nothing has happened with that. I hit a low point and have been feeling very blue.

    The next day, my ex boyfriend came to my work and left a note on my car. We have not had any contact for 4 months. It was my half of a plane ticket he had previously booked for Thanksgiving. I never knew about these plans. He told me there was nothing he could do about the ticket and I should use it and enjoy. The end of the note said…P.S. You changed both of our lives with YOUR decision.

    Everyone told me not to respond. Everyone who loves me believes he is toxic for me and I had become addicted to him because of his ways of intermittent rewards that you discuss in your Toxic man CD. Another woman, a reliable source told me that he was bisexual. I’m not sure what to believe. However, I did respond. I got out my feelings in an email. It was my first form of communication to him other than my goodbye letter. I explained that I felt sad. None of this was what I wanted but that my heart was broken when he chose to create a “fake” break-up with me to go on a reality show and then it was broken again upon his return when there was no communication between us after he said he was coming home to propose because he loved me. I explained that I was not going to use the ticket, that it would feel too sad to go without him and wished him light and love.

    People think I’m crazy. That I should have said much worse or nothing at all. I have been listening to your CD’s over and over again. I am stuck in a place of feeling “not good enough”. Like his life is so exciting. I am a full time teacher and full time single mother. Most of my days, I pick up lunch off the floor or am wiping a child’s tears. People tell me those are then things I should value..not the life of fame, fortune and partying he is now living.

    I am on all the dating websites and nothing, I mean nothing worthwhile is happening. I have been given some advise from people who love me that I have to come to terms with the possiblity that I will always be alone and be okay with that. I will never find the feelings I had with my ex-boyfriend and whenever a good guy comes around, I am not interested by the 3rd or 4th date. Most of the time there really is something “off” with the guy. I still feel hopeless. Will I always hold a torch for my ex-boyfriend who has obviously moved on? How can I feel happy and full of joy again? Is this just like any addiction that I need to break free of? Please help me as I need to be on top of my game for my son and my students and I feel like I’m not really “there”.
    Thanks again Rori for all that you do for us,

  219.  #219Daria on November 23, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Karen – i feel touched by your post. I feel sad. Come back to the front thread… the newest post.

    “whenever a good guy comes around, I am not interested by the 3rd or 4th date.”

    Here’s where your work is in opening up to men…

    when a GOOD guy comes aroudn you are not interested… boy… is this common, and I can relate

    we who have been with toxic men are not used to receiving love… we find something “lame” about a guy, his treating us well turns us off…

    we have to Retrain ourselves from this pattern. Practice receiving, opening up, non judgement.


    as for right now, you are feeling sad, heartbroken

    feel your feelings… tell yourself you Love your feelings, even if you don’t like them


    make a list of what you like about yourself ! yes really! do it Now, here on blog… this is babysteps

    this works

    we will support you… come and post on the newest threads…

    even if no one answered before, we will start to answer as people start feeling like they can help you…

    so for now, make a list of things you Like about yourself on the newest blog post

  220.  #220Karen on November 23, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Daria- you are so sweet and thank you for your quick response. Okay..I feel silly making this list for everyone to see but I will take your advice.

    Loving mom
    Great Aerobics instructor and dancer
    Amazing teacher
    Family oriented
    Down to earth
    Secure job
    Liked in my community and active in community/religion
    Great entertainer (at home with guests)

    That felt kind of fun- I’ve done this privately but to say it to others feels scary- makes these qualities real. I forgot, what is RIFF?

  221.  #221maricel on November 25, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Hi I had a relationship to married man,the first time i saw him i really attracted to him,his a goverment official
    we”re starting on by mail only, then i am the one who’s
    flirting him .than we start in a mutual understanding relationship,after that we’re staying at my home cook for him, make love with him…in the first month i know that his starting to love me.we’re long distance love affair, when i get back home to my country just to see him or to how much i love him.i don’t care about my job
    my concentration is only with him.suddenly february 13,2010 he’s calling me baby then suddenly he forgot his cellphone in the car than i am curious i read all messages to his cellphone,he had another relationship to other woman beside his married. so love triangle. it hurt’s me so much because his also calling baby the other girl.then i attempt suicide twice
    i am depressed upset,anger,bitter, but i forgive him
    i gave him another chance, but we’re apart i don’t know if he loves me or just using me or he knows that i am madly in love with him that’s why he’s comporting me?i don’t what i am going to do.please give advice, thank you very much

  222.  #222maricel on November 25, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Hi I had a relationship to married man,the first time i saw him i really attracted to him,his a goverment official
    we”re starting on by mail only, then i am the one who’s
    flirting him .than we start in a mutual understanding relationship,after that we’re staying at my home cook for him, make love with him…in the first month i know that his starting to love me.we’re long distance love affair, when i get back home to my country just to see him or to how much i love him.i don’t care about my job
    my concentration is only with him.suddenly february 13,2010 he’s calling me baby then suddenly he forgot his cellphone in the car than i am curious i read all messages to his cellphone,he had another relationship to other woman beside his married. so love triangle. it hurt’s me so much because his also calling baby the other girl.then i attempt suicide twice
    i am depressed upset,anger,bitter, but i forgive him
    i gave him another chance, but we’re apart i don’t know if he loves me or just using me or he knows that i am madly in love with him that’s why he’s comporting me?i don’t know what i am going to do.please give advice, thank you very much

  223.  #223Amanda on November 25, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I had a toxic relationship 2 years ago an after getting all your products and following each instruction I’ve found a wonderful guy whom fell in love with me from day one and it took me 3 months to fall in love with him also. Now he has so many friends, (guys, girls, gays) due to the job he’s retired from…To make a long story short he did away with the gay friends, and girls…but his guy friends he seems to be obessed with there’s about 10 of them IMAGINE….rarely do we argue but when we do he’s the one who starts he will say: My friend so and so wants to have lunch w/me but I never go because you are so possesive, now mind you I never said to him he couldn’t go out with them all I said was What is goose for the goose is good for the gander…I have no girlfriends but only guy friends and some of them are my exes so I’ve stopped communicating w/them….But am still in doubt about this guy…Please help when i didnt love him at first he was so chasing me always…by the way I have lost my job and he asked me to live w/him but throws everything at my face when he has a little too much wine…Please help me I have no where else to go…don’t know what to do?!
    Love Maria

  224.  #224Rori Raye on November 26, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    maricel – I’m sorry I can’t help you here…but all I would say would be never get involved with a married man. Period. Love, Rori

  225.  #225Rori Raye on November 26, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Amanda, the problem here is that you don’t feel independent. Work completely on getting a job and some money coming in so you have plenty of other places to go. Love, Rori

  226.  #226Maria on December 6, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Hi Rory! realy need your advice please. One of my coworkers end I we became to be a very close friends. After one year he had tolme that he was in love with me and ask me to go out. after somany times he try I give hem the oportunity like he ask for, but then after two times we were together and have sex he loose the interest on me, no more messages at all or anything alike. when he told me many times that his feelings was serious. Know I feel so depress and I loose focus on my projects and everything elses. Also somthing very important I would like you to know is that his 21 years old and I’M 30 years old please need your help

  227.  #227Rori Raye on December 7, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Maria, So sorry – and next time – no sex until the 3-month mark, okay? He just lost interest, and there’s nothing you can do. Move on and Circular Date, please. Love, Rori

  228.  #228Mary on December 9, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Hi Rori! I have been seeing this man for almost 2 years. I met him when i was working at a Motel. I was checking him in and It hit me like a hard. I just knew that this was the man I was suppose to be with. He had been there many times and we would just smile and stare at each other eveytime. The last time he came in he smiled and walked out the door. He came back in and asked me for my number and wanted to go out on a date. We have been together ever since then. He is 51 and I am 41. He is afraid of marriage. He has been married already and divorced. He workes out of town and I hardly get to see him now. If I do not call him he is calling me or texting me. I fell in love with this man the first time i saw him and looked into his eyes. What should I do to get him to commit to a relationship without pushing him away?

  229.  #229Diane on December 16, 2010 at 9:14 am

    I have been in a very commited relationship for almost 2 years. Now my man says he wants “space” to figure out how he feels because he doesn’t want to make another mistake. I know that he had a relationship with someone who lives out of the country and he told me it just wouldn’t work out. He hasn’t seen her for 3 years but I’m pretty sure he has kept in touch with her: email, IM that kind of thing.
    I think that he still has “feelings” of some sort for this woman and he really doesn’t want to make a “mistake” and is trying to sort out things. I am very much in love with him and don’t want to write him off, but don’t want to look and feel like I am pathetically hanging around waiting for affirmation. I am giving him space, not calling or emailing or slinking by his house–leaning back. Do I just leave all this I God’s hands (if its right it will work out) or is there some more positive or a more of in “control of the situation” role I can take. I hate feeling so powerless. Thanks, Di

  230.  #230Rori Raye on December 16, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Diane – you leave this in God’s hands, yes, and you Circular Date!!! Love, Rori

  231.  #231tara on January 13, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Do you think that sex plays an major part in an relationship?

  232.  #232tara on January 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I met this guy on new years day. He is an nice guy and fell for me on the spot. But I dont enjoy sex with him at all. should I just leave him alone?

  233.  #233Rori Raye on January 13, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    tara, welcome, and —if you’ve tried – and I mean really give yourself up to it, ask him to do what you like, give him instructions…and you still can’t enjoy sex with him…(please give it a go – use your imagination, build him up in your mind, etc…) then, yeah…say goodbye to him.

  234.  #234troubled and confused on February 4, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    I was hoping that I could find out some helpful things. There is a guy who I barely know but would like to get to know better.Problem is he lives with my family as an onsite employee…. that makes things difficult…. i am interested in him but not sure if he is interested in me…. the onlytime he talks tome really is when it is just me and him in the nroom or if my sister is theree…..he is 24 and divorced with a two year old daughter we see one weekend a month… i adore his daughter and love her to death….i am only 18….so im worried that age may be a problem… not as worried aboutt that though…i think there is a chance he may like me also….. i have only kniown him for almost two months and until recently i was completly non existent to him…. he always thanks me for cooking dinner for everyone and he occassionally watches me and looks away the second i catch him…. i have on a couple occassions heard him asking my sisters why i was so dressed up…..especially if i get dressed up in the evenings…. but most of the time i am invisible…. Wat should i do to let him know im inerested in him and want to get to know him better? and how do i know if he likes me back?

  235.  #235Lori on February 9, 2011 at 5:41 am

    I am new to this blog and this article hit me as it is something that I am going through as we speak.

    I am looking for a friendly ear, a shoulder and advice along with a huge kick in the A@@ to get me moving in the right direction.

    At this moment, right now, I am shattered and don’t want to be.

    What is the “leaning back” I have read so much about. Is there a link to an article and HOW to lean back? If it is what I think it is, it means no contact, no first moves, no nothing…

    I keep wondering why I chose the wrong men, they all seem to be the same in some way and that is full of admiration and gushing feelings toward me but fully not able to commit because of past drama. I WANT me happily ever after and I ain’t getting any younger. lol

  236.  #236FeminineWoman on February 9, 2011 at 6:12 am

    RE 235 Lori
    The Relationship Bubble:
    You and a man (even if you’ve just met) are in an Energy “bubble” that has only so much energy. (The bigger the bubble, the better – but still an enclosed space.) How you are in that bubble – what you think, how you feel, how you move, what you say and do, affects the Energy Exchange, and affects your man in predictable ways.

    Leanback (Leaning Back):
    A way of shifting the Energy Exchange by physically leaning your

    Look to the right hand side of the blog at the bottom you will see all previous articles there.

  237.  #237FeminineWoman on February 9, 2011 at 6:14 am

  238.  #238Sugey on February 9, 2011 at 2:09 pm


    Rori I have been loosing my sanity over a man that I have been seen for about 9 months. We have never actually said that we are “Exclusive” with each other. Yet he has shown resentmnet and jeolusy over me going out with girlfriends. We recently went through a rough time where I was invited out by my girlfriends and I decided to go. While I was out I answered his call thinking that letting him know that I was out and actually answering instead of ignoring his call would be ok. To my shock it was NOT. This man stopped all communication with me for 3 weeks which where the longest and most stressful ones I have dealt with in the time we have been seeing each other. Forgot to mention that this man has been stationed in a different state due to his profession. Which already is difficult enough to deal with. When this insident happened I sent him a text letting him know my feelings for him. I asked him to let me know if he did not feel the same for me to say and I would move on. I thought it was over but he called back three weeks later at 3:45 am on a sat. Rori, I know that it is difficult to be a long distance relationship and I do not want to lose him, but I also don’t want to waste my time. He is not telling me to move on when I question him but does not commit either. What advice can you give me.

  239.  #239Lori on February 9, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    I am hoping some of you very smart Goddesses are here and can help. I am looking for a response to something that is going to happen in about an hour or so.

    M is clearly wanting space, over the last two days we have talked about this and his need to figure out what he wants (this is a case where it is legitimate and I do not hold this against him at all). The story is long and I will share eventually but right now I have an emergency.

    I have been crying my eyes out, off and on for two days, today, I did not go to work, (we work for the same company…different departments so it’s easy to not see one another) but I am not done feeling my sadness yet. I have not initiated any contact with him since monday night. He texted me this afternoon to ask me if I was ok. I told him how I felt, that “I feel so incredibly sad, lost and scared of losing my best friend.” Long story short, he is stopping over after work. I do not expect him to say that he doesn’t need his space, he really does but I want to be able to come from a place of love without letting him think that I don’t care about him. I trusted him, he shattered it, irregardless of his reasonings and this was a big deal for me. It has taken me years to be able to trust a man again, and when I did, cautiously, he pulled the rug out. There are really a couple things going on here. His need for space, to figure out his life and what he wants in it and my feelings. Both seem so different and separate.
    Help!! QUICK!!

  240.  #240Lori C on February 10, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Thank you, FeminineWoman

  241.  #241Elaine65 on February 14, 2011 at 9:50 am

    I’m a lesbian and been one for years.. I love who I am. When my girlfriend and I met we had the best sex live. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. She went through a hard time been out of work. I got her a new job, but it last for only a year. Doing that time she just stop having sex. maybe once every 2 months. I can’t stand it because I horny all the time. And I don’t want to cheat on her… Because I don’t believe in that. But I need to be touch in a bad way…..Please help me if you can.. I’m looking for help> i don’t want to be in the wrong.

  242.  #242Dana on February 28, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Hi Rori- I have been “dating” my b/f for almost 6 yrs now, exactly the way I liked it- we see each other 2-3 times a week, he calls multiple times everyday, along with text and email when we are not together- It started out perfectly, he persued me like a mad man. Within months, he was talking future and marriage-and although it made me feel warm and fuzzy, I wasn’t really ready for marriage (I am twice divorced!). Flash forward 4+ years…& while I wasn’t ready for marriage- I would have liked at least a little nudge forward, but now it seemed we were “stuck” in 2 nights a week-same dinner spot, same tv show, same bed time, same 2 nights…every week…So, I TOLD him I wanted more-that I THOUGHT he should WANT to see me more-and WHY didn’t he? Blah, blah, blah…Guess what? nothing changed. This “speech” happened every so often, I just couldn’t understand, if he thought I was so great, why didn’t he want to be with me more??So, I found your website, and started doing more things on the nights that we weren’t together, I started taking a dance class by myself, and an exercise class with a girlfriend, and then I ordered Reconnect your Relationship. I received it Friday night and listened to the first 3 CD’s that night, and again the next morning (Saturday night is one of our date nights)…So, as soon as he showed up, he gave me our regular sweet hello kiss, then I leaned back- AND WOW! you would have thought I rubbed a rib-eye on myself- he leaned WAY forward, grabbed me and kissed me like we were in a movie!! I was astonished I thought HOLY COW! this is amazing!!-so then I started my feeling sentences, and halfway through our date he says, what do you think about me staying tomorrow night too? And maybe we can join a bowling league together… (again!! Astonished) So…Sunday night after dinner- he says (mind you- THE SAME WEEKEND I received this very powerful tool!!) “Baby- I love you so much- what do you think about us moving in together? ” OMG!! I cannot believe it!!
    So, what I’m saying is- Thank you so much Rori! you have given me myself back, and therefore, my man is leaning FORWARD!!

  243.  #243Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 9:46 am

    RE 242 Dana thanks for sharing that powerful testimony of how it works.

    I am wondering though, do you only want him to move in with you or are you now open for marriage? If so do you intend to share that?

  244.  #244Dana on February 28, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Thank you Femininewoman- It is phenominal!!
    I would be open to marriage- I just have not seen any more or less advantage to marriage in my past experience. (my mom has been married 8 times) I may be gun-shy!! 🙂

  245.  #245Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

    RE 244 I was just checking with you to make sure that was all you want.

  246.  #246Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 10:29 am

    RE 238 Sugey if you are still there, I don’t see where you received an answer. If you still want feedback please respond. The one question that jumped to my head reading what you wrote is “what do you want”? Why would he tell you to move on when he can have to you to himself?

  247.  #247Angela Torres on March 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Hello Rori!

    I find your email advice enlightening and it keeps me in a great mood and partially on a good track, but
    I guess that my question could help a lot of women in the same situation. When the guy starts feeling guilty after dumping the ex and while he is already with you.

    This guy spent 5 years and a bit more in a stale relationship. Yes, he started dating me while I didn’t know he was on that relationship. At some point, when I discover I’m “the other”, I set my standards high, and ask him to decide.
    I’m a good seductress, and I won. I made sure that he was sure about moving on into a real relationship with me. I asked him to meet my family, I met his, he asked me to move in with him, I delayed a couple of months to give him the chance to consider everything carefully, and he did it like a champ.
    So, when I finally moved in with him, earned the trust and sympathy of his family and some close friends, when everything was ok… he started getting partially cold. I mean, to this day he takes care of me, wants me to sleep in our shared room, drives me to/from the airport when needed, send txts and emails to check if I’m ok…
    His family and friends says they can tell he truly loves me, but he says he is in an emotional blockage, first he felt guilty about is ex situation. Then he said that he didn’t feel himself, then that he didn’t deserve to be happy and that he doesn’t want to do any harm to me.
    Finally he confessed that he is confused and that he miss his ex. Even after that, he still hugs me no kissing) caresses me, sleeps and cuddle with me, have sex, and keeps on caring about me and my career.
    I cannot move out to my own place, I plan to do it as soon as I can, but I’m sure that he will visit me even then.
    A friend told me:
    If he acts like a chicken, walk like a chicken, is yellow like a chicken, and sounds like a chicken, make no mistake, he is a chicken…. meaning that if he acts like he loves me, moves like he loves me, and do everything in that line… then he is in love.

    How can I help him out of this depression, guiltiness and confusion?

    He is a good guy and I really love him. Yes, I can date others, but I really don’t feel like doing so.
    I miss the good old times, with him enthusiastic and shiny, the gorgeous cowboy with whom I fell in love.
    The one that made a lot of “first times” for me (friends and family have mentioned that he never did before for none of his ex’s a lot of things that he did for me, and that he was truly changed when our relationship started).

    But if he is a lost cause, I will move on and keep his friendship from a safe distance, and yes, would have to get back to the dating scene when I feel like it.
    I love him, yes, but I love myself too.

    Is there a hope? Or Should I leave him on his mess for a while or forever?

    Currently I’m being hot/cold-coquette, caring when he is exhausted from work, and stopped paying attention on kitchen and other nuisances, and feeling free and comfortable to a level that is healthy for me, my career, my social life, and all my projects. So far, he always fall for my gestures and voice, but just for a while.

    I want him back, but I know his sadness comes from a long time ago, and frankly, I feel a bit insulted by his “miss the ex” attitude, when we had already went thru it, and he chosen me at least twice over her.

    I know who I am, and I’m not the kind that fits with ghosts from the past.

    Any advice will be welcome.


  248.  #248Pure on March 27, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I am new to the blog and not sure if this is the correct spot for my situation. I have started dating a man over a year ago and previous to that we had been great friends, but hadn’t seen eachother in years. He initiated all the moves and communication. All was well the trust, fun,caring and communication. He had been in a bad breakup prior to me so had some hesitancy with committing after 3 months of us dating. I let him go and he came straight back after a few days. I ensured I took things slowly all went really well. He sent me amazing messages and opened his heart to me. A few family circumstances came up for me and put some strain on our relationship and he got unwell. He started to withdraw and I had become quite emotional and he asked for some space for month. I said I was upset but honoured what he asked for ,even though it was painful. In between this time I didn’t have your ebook or dvd’s but wish I did !!!. So I made contact with him after this time and said would love to catch up. kept it casual, he called straight away and it was a positive conversation he wanted to tell me everything and asked to see me on the weekend, I said yes than I cut the conversation short . He called me on the night and said he wasn’t feeling well and would have to postpone until next week for another night..i said I felt upset as was really looking forward to seeing him and it had been a while. He seemed a little annoyed because he said sorry i just don’t feel well but want to see you too. I said ok but was upset but decided to go out. He had called me not long after, I had missed his call as was out, than i called back and left message told him i was out and where I was. Than he turned up there unexpectedly I was so happy. He was being a little withdrawn and I think i was leaning forward but he gave me full atttention felt good. We started seeing eachother again but i didn’t feel i had chance to discuss the status of our relationship. All was going well I didn’t want to rock the boat and was in bliss with him. Than the worst thing happened a girl who i met through an aquaintance stopped me and started telling me how she really likes this guy and i probably would know who he was, than she said my mans name. I said I am seeing him, she was like oh no he told me he was single and she created a scene. I wasn’t sure what to do but felt I fell for it because than I felt angry towards him and I called and left him a message saying I hope we are being faithful to one another and could he call me. He text me and said please don’t leave messages like that. But I was feeling confronted and confused on what to do (this was prior to your tools). Than a couple of hours later this person rang me on the phone it was her and she said leave me and my friends alone and I said what are you talking about ? than he got on the phone and said what are you doing harrassing this girl. I said that’s not true what is she doing at your place get of her phone..I know I over reacted and shouldn’t have but couldn’t believe the trouble this girl was causing and the lies and that he seemed to believe what she said. Than we got in an argument and he hung up on me. I was in shock. Anyway I overfunctioned sent him messages saying can we please talk about this and rang a few times. He didn’t respond. I wanted to fix this so not best idea but went to his place a few days later, he was fuming asking me what was I doing there. I told him care about him and I love him and not to believe what was said, than he was on defense and said the girl has nothing to do with it, he is upset with my behaviour. I was so upset but surrended to the situation and said ok if you feel that way i can’t change it and walked away. I left it than, thought he would calm down than I was out for coffee with a male friend and he saw us and said hi to him and ignored me and looked at me angrily..I said hi to him and he stormed off. Than I probably did another boo, boo and rang him the next day and asked him why he ignored me and I didn’t like being treated like that, we have known each other for such a long time and he is being so mean. I started crying,he stayed on the phone with me for ages and listened to me but he was still mad..that was the last time I spoke to him and it has now been almost 4 weeks and he hasn’t called.. ( I got your tools ) Now what do I do? I feel I have really pushed him away and miss him so much and am pretty sure this girl is hanging around him (not completely sure) Help I would really love to remend our relationship, he is such an amazing man and I value what we share and want us to communicate and connect. I am feeling some anger and resentment towards him because he isn’t communicating and took me of facebook..I feel I need a power speech urgently I haven’t seen him in ages

  249.  #249LOOKING FOR ADVICE on March 30, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    My problem is I need a life. I think I would otherwise be happy to be up under a man and spend all my time with him but that just isn’t realistic. I’ve known this for some time. Recently, I’ve been trying to do something about this lack of having my own life and interests. I joined a pole dancing class (by myself), I’m starting a foreign language class next month (by myself), and I’m trying to stick with my exercise routine (by myself). BUT I HATE being by myself. It is a big step for me to be going to these classes completely alone. I have VERY FEW girl friends and the ones I do have have a ton of other friends and no money to do anything even if they are available. It seems like at my age everybody already has their best friend and have no need to make new friends so I feel stuck and alone. I also know that these feelings don’t make me very attractive to a man long term.

    I’m looking for advice from anyone, especially Ms. Rori.

  250.  #250Chrystal Tribbey on April 8, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years know. We do have a child together and i do love him but when i first got with him it wasn’t suppose to turn into anything but then i end up falling in love with him hard.Know he talking about wanting to get married we engaged we have been for about 3 years know but i’m not ready to get married after my last marriage i was kinda soured on being married again…My question is how do I tell him I don’t want to get married till I’m good a ready to and that might be along time from know I just not sure yet if I’m ready to take the vows again and get hurt again

  251.  #251Liz on May 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Hello I am new to the post, I don’t know if I am doing it right on in the right page. I have being reading your comments. I was on a friend with benefits relationship of over a year now. When we meet he was so wonderful, giving me roses nice dinners with candles, he asked me to be his girlfriend 2 mths later we had sex, and 3 mths later told me he didn’t want a relation ship with me or any other women and wanted us to be friends, I accepted that, just friends, then he lost his job and started asking me to pay his rent, phone meals and to pick him up and drive all arround he does not have a car. Then he told me I was very nice to him and he was doing nothing for me, so he asked me to have sex again. I say no he insisted and they I say yes. He was sick 2 weeks ago, neumonia, I took care of him and pay for medication and doctor. Last week now that he is feeling good, told me that he was going to give me a break, I told him I am not asking for one, maybe you are the one who needs a break. He got upset, and told me, He didn’t want me to pay for anything anymore for him, that he feels very low, and he wants to work hard to get his feet on the grown again find a job a take care of his expenses and that it was better if we don’t see each other and that he will call me, his phone is disconnected I am pretty sure he has no money to pay for it and he has not call me. I am trying to be strong and not to look for him. But sometimes is hard and I cry. I do really need your comments to stay strong.

    Thank you

  252.  #252SummerBaby on May 7, 2011 at 11:58 am


    I feel your pain. you may wish to repost your comment in the current blog thread where it will receive the most attention.

    Your guy is likely feeling bad because he’s not giving to you and most guys feel emasculated when a woman is taking care of them (paying their bills, paying on dates etc.).

    Be good to yourself. Do things for you that would feel good. He may come back, but he may not. In the meantime all that matters is that you take care of you and heal.


  253.  #253Liz on May 8, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Thank you Summerbaby. I will do my best to stay strong, I am going out with girl friends buy I don’t enjoy it.
    Could you please send me a link to the current blog thread, I am new to this
    Thank you so much

  254.  #254bashy on May 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    hi,rori you were right i done it all wid him but nothing is to be change now what to do?? iam very much rest less he always want space and as i started giving him space he said you ignore me may you involved some where and give abuses and start blaming me he ristricted for every thing not a single thing i can do with my wish, and if i can do with out his permission he make me crazy by his temper i am stuck suggest me something please am i very loning person he is too but he is changing him self day by day and thats the miserable thing for me after all am a human and am not use to of so much changing he is now 25 and me to,since age of 16 we were together now its to long i can leave him his family done some evil magic on our relation as we having a part do me sum suggetion or contact me or plz its my e/mail bashful_j120@yahoo you mail me please i will be waiting

  255.  #255Anna on May 17, 2011 at 2:44 am

    Hi, MY name is Anna, ivebeen living with my boyfriend for 5months and mostly it is great, however we seem to have hit a bump in the road. We both have shared ideas about having a family and getting married in the future, which is great. But then he went and spent £260 on a dvd player. He has also said that he wants about another £400 worth of gadgets- music system etc. While i have no problem in what he wishes to spend his money on, this means that there is no spare cash for him to go on little trips, outings etc together. I would love for us to be able to do small bits of travel in our free time together. What do you think?

  256.  #256PrincessKitten on May 30, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Is there a cultural difference in how a man might repond to your tools? I am an African American woman who has been listening to your Targeting Mr. Right cds and reading your e-book and using the tools. I feel I see results and a difference in how men are responding to me and my new way of communicating.

    A girlfriend of mine commented that “black” men don’t want to hear about feelings and will think it a lot of drama.

    Do you find there is a possibility of there being cultural differences to how men might respond to the tools?

  257.  #257S'Tracy on June 2, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Dear Rori, I have tried so many advised techniques for both myself and my husband. The problem I’m having now is his ex-wife and his adult kids. His youngest kid just graduated high school today and my husband 1st) informed me by phone that he ‘s going to take pictures with his ex only for the sake of their son; if I cannot deal with it then I will not be allowed to go; Pocatello, ID;2nd) he told me he was going to church this morning and never came home; I called the church they said after taking the body and blood of Christ that he said a quick prayer and left; @ 8:30 a.m.3rd) friends from work stop by @9:30 a.m. to give me money to give to my husband for lottery tickets to buy for these guys @work; Now it takes 2/3 hrs to get to ID; he left Mass @ 8:30 a.m.; I left him message @10:00a.m. He never picked up the phone, nor called me and had not returned. He would never abandon his house for he claims he bought it; always claims ownership. What is your answer?How should I react? Divorce?or even React?

  258.  #258Rori Raye on June 2, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    OMG S’Tracy…I’m speechless here. This is like out of a movie. If it were me, I’d sit tight,stay calm, and go find a lawyer to talk to about my options so I can make a better decision when I find out what happened. I’m also not sure if I follow – is ID where his son’s graduation is? Has this happened before? Love, Rori

  259.  #259jaded and confused on June 3, 2011 at 4:09 am

    To PrincessKitten:

    I was wondering the same thing. It’s hard to imagine the black men that I’ve dated responding positively to hearing about feelings. I’d be interested to hear other people’s experience.

  260.  #260Zara on June 10, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Hi Rori 
    I was seeing this guy from last year 2010. He chased me, calling & txt also always uniting me down. Everthing was going good prior to this I was sinlge for 4yrs. As I mentioned everything was good I was so happy to finally meet someone & being so much my type. Then about a week or two after my birthday he called me asked if I was ok then put the question to me, were do u see us? note that we wasnt in a relationship we was just seeing an getting to no each other. I said to him that everything going well & that maybe If things go this well hopefully a relationship will come out of this? He then said he don’t see that his not sure if it’s going to work & that he dosnt have the same feelings? Which I didn’t no what to say as it was him always wanting me around him, him being so affectionate really loving & we both said to each other we want to settle down have a family, as were both in are thirties I’m in my early & his in his late, which I really was happy he didn’t have any children as I prayed to meet someone without. So I then said to why dose he MOT feel it’s gonna work he just kept saying he just feels it’s not & that he don’t won’t a year or two to go down the line for him to cheat on me if he don’t have the same feelings? I said to him that we are only seeing each other, were getting to know ono another & that his not given it a chance yet. How can u have feeling for someone in only a month

    I was really upset then said to him go away & think about it because really & truly you have not anything to lose. Two weeks had gone other got a txt from him saying his so sorry I was right. 

    We then started seeing each other up until may of that year then he started acting funny? Meaning he weren’t calling me as often like two or three day’s would go by without him calling if don’t call. Even when I would txt he would txt straight back he wouldn’t do until an hour later saying he’ll call but he wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be one of those women to b at a guy saying how you don’t call. I didn’t want to do that but had seem that he stop chasing me it was me doing the chasing. Then we spoke he said work was stressing out. Then he started calling but only for a week or two then he reverted back to not calling how he was. One day I went up to his & asked him what the problem was he said nothing I told him the way he use tonbd with me & how he is now then he said again that it not going to work & that heis feeling had not changed so he broke up with me again.

    We didn’t speak for a couple of weeks just said hello to each other at wort ‘oh yeh for got to mention we work at the same place? That’s been the most  difficult thing! So we was just doing the friends thing cos that’s what we wanted as I said we didn’t speak I didn’t call him or txt I just saw him at work & it was just a hello an good bye thing. I was so devastated by this I was hurting a lot I continplated wether to call him or txt him. I pluck up the currage to txt him, saying that I didn’t want to be friends were it’s just hi, an bye I wanted it to be normal were we could go out hang & be good friends he txt back saying his glad I made contact & he’d like that too. I was really glad & relived we got back on speaking terms I felt good. When I saw him at work I just acted normal even though I wanted more I put my feelings a side so I wouldnt lose him as a friend as well as losing him completely out of my life. I know that sounds stupid but that’s how I felt.

    One day when finishing my shift going through the door he said to me he’ll call me later he did we spoke all normal said nothing about the relationship. Then we started hanging out & before you no it we stared seeing each other. He was asking me to come down it went back to how it was. 

    From Late July that same year we got back together everything was good Christmas came it was ok then new years eve came he called that day we spoke for a bit he then said he’ll call me later he didnt I thought we would see each other to see the new years in but we didn’t I was so upset I felt hurt. Calling his mobile at the stroke of night he didn’t answer. Called & called the whole day up until 9pm that day I started to get worried then I just jumped in my car & went down there his car wasn’t there waited outside his hse until he came. When he did  I asked him were his been he said his been at his mum & he left the phone in his bothers car I finally got out of him the he & his bother went out & that he did really leave it in the car. I was fuming that he didn’t even call to wish me a happy new year an that I thought something had happend to him & to think he didn’t even want to bring in the new year together as it would of been out first year together. Anyway we something else came up we spoke on the phone I said to him that this switching thing his got going running hot an cold has to stop he admitted that he had to stop doing this Jekal & Hide thing? For a few weeks it was ok but I felt we didn’t sort things properly i felt i need to tell him how i feel. I coild tell him as i didnt want to draw up the situation again so I writ him a letter I felt more comfortable doing that than telling him how I feel face to face.  It was coming to the end  of Jan 2011 when he broke up with me after reading the letter. I ask him why he kept saying it ain’t gonna work his feelings ain’t changed? I was so, so deverstated really? Before we broke up the year before in Aurgust we booked a holiday all paid for. We havnt been together  for five months but within these months we spoke at work he even called out the blue to see if i was alright an rook me for a meal to a resturant we spoke on the phone more from me. we decided to still go on the holiday we had a good time then he started to get a little affectionate & we were intermate. it felt like things were starting up again but on the last day we had out first argumen. We didn’t speak all the through the flight home but for some reason he was being nice on the plan getting me drinks making sure I get something to eat just making me comfortable on the flight. 

    When got back I didn’t say nothing about the argument we went back to normal . We spoke now an then most txt each other again more on my part I said to him that he needs to stop having this arkwardness infront of his self toward me & just to be normal he agreed thing were ok we went out but he still was calling of txt it was all me. The I left it to see if he’d call or txt he hasn’t I for nearly 3 weeks I wasnt really saying nothing to him at work he would just say hello that’s it nothing else. I just felt something was wrong so 2 weeks ago I finished work walked to my car he was outside work doing something to his car I walked pass he ask me what I bought I told him left it at that & proceed to walk to my car but then said to my self ‘no I need to ask hom what is going on as I know his acting weird his said his not, as he said to me it’s work stressing me out as a week before I had called him to ask why he hasn’t called I didn’t say it in a way that he would think I’m going at him or moaning he just said it work stressing him out I felf that he didn’t really want to speak to me that day when I called it was just awkward he said he’ ll call the next day but he didn’t? So when I told him the day outside when I finished work he didn’t say anything else just work stressing him out I told him that’s a poor excuse that he still could of called or txt tocsin hi I’m stress but I still call to see if his ok. He didn’t say anything I just walked away. 

    So from May 7th we havnt spoke till we spoke that day me going home about 3 weeks ago but then I txt him & he didn’t respond until the following week only because my friend had a word with him. He stated that he no’s his hurt me his sorry for the way his hurt me it wasn’t intentional & that his not ignoring me he just felt that I need time as he no’s the way I feel. He said that his not trying to forget about me but his feelings ain’t changed. We havnt spoke at all. I txt him back not straight away but had no response. All his saying is that it isn’t going to springhare it no reason why? All ivwant to no is that there has to be some sort of reason why. You don’t do that from everything going good then all of a sudden it’s not gonna work I just don’t get it there’s more to it than that. I just don’t understand why he keeps switching blowing hot & cold? All u no is I love him socking I just want him back but I don’t no how to make contact to cal or txt or if I should a part of me wants to but I’m just fed up of making the first move I wanna see if contacts me but I have a feeling he won’t? Just don’t no what to do? Pleas help Rori what should info & would u b able to tell me why he keep coming then pulling back do think it someone else as I’ve asked him he said no his not seeing anybody. I’m just so baffled!! Pls help what should I do? Sorry fir the long story. 

    Ps. I hope I’ve come to the right part for feedback?

  261.  #261Kay on June 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Lara: I feel this guy is a complete idiot and has not grown up. He thinks he can just swan in and out and he is unsure about what he even wants from a women despite having some genuine feelings for you (I feel). Thing is, he may just keep doing this. Leave him completely alone, don’t even be polite. Cut him dead now. If he is meant to get a grip then he will and big time but he can only ever satisfy you ‘big time’ now you can’t trust the crumbs that he offers. Only take bites of really big pieces of cake from now on. I feel you will meet someone else if you break away from this guy now.

  262.  #262Debbie on June 13, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Dear Rori and others,

    I am in a dilemma. I have been with my man for 3 1/2 years and engaged for 2 1/2 years. We have been living together for the last 2 years. My mother passed away about a year and a half ago and I did not take it well. I began to become controlling of him and where he went, who he was with, etc. because I was so afraid of losing him like I lost my mother. After a couple of months, he finally told me that if things did not change, he was leaving. I realized that he was right in the way I was acting and began to make some changes by using your tools. He began to come back around and things were going well for a while. Well, back in March, his brother passed away unexpectedly and we went to Texas for the funeral. We talked and shared so many thoughts and feelings and our relationship became so connected — like it had never been before. When we returned, he told me that he was ready to set the date for the wedding and to go ahead and start planning (which I had always wanted). He is working a full time job and attending school 3 nights a week so he is tired and worn out all of the time. Well, my birthday came around and he had told me that we would spend some time together and go out shopping for my gift the following weekend of my birthday. When the day came, he had to pick up his son for a little while and said he would be back in a couple of hours. Well a couple of hours turned into 7 with no call, text, etc.. When he returned, he was non-chalant about it and offered no explanation at all. When I asked about our plans, he said that we could still go, but at this point in time, I was so upset I didn’t want to go. I waited for a little bit and then asked him what happened and why he took so long. This turned into a huge fight and lots of things said that probably should not have been said. This was 3 weeks ago and he is still distant. I have been trying to lean back, but am finding it so difficult to do. When I ask to talk about it, he says he is not ready, that he is still thinking and trying to figure things out. He does say that he loves me and tells me he loves me all the time. There is some affection, but not much, and only if initiated by me. He used to text me throughout the day and before school to let me know he was thinking about me and that he loved me. That has stopped as well. We were supposed to go out of town for Memorial Day weekend, and he decided the day of that he was not going to go because he needed to think, so I went alone. No contact for 3 days. Finally, we had an opportunity to talk yesterday and I approached him with feeling messages. I did tell him that I wanted to thank him for helping me to realize things that I needed to change and that things were not that good and maybe we needed this time. He did open up by saying that he was feeling trapped (not because of me), he wants to be able to get up and go when he wants to (which he does anyway), he wants to do things without having to worry about someone else’s feelings, he loves me but his heart is telling him to leave but his head is telling him to stay and work it out. He says he does not want his ring back, but I just don’t know what to think. He says we have too many conflicts, but the only issue we have is that I want him to spend more time with me. I don’t think that I am asking too much. I don’t know what to do or think. I am trying to use the tools and have been listening to “Reconnect” over and over. I feel myself doing this, however, that fear creeps in and says what if you do this and he doesn’t turn around or lean forward.

    I feel scared, confused, hurt, anxious, angry. I feel like I just want to explode or break down and cry. I do love him and I know we can have a great relationship. I am just feeling at a loss.

    Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  263.  #263Alessandla on June 13, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    hi! i need some help… i’m in a relationship for about 2 years and everything was perfect…we were so in love and i always was so happy because i found him. But we started arguing about little things, every day became worst…and suddenly he realized that all those fight pushed him away. He asked me for a break. i was crushed, i felt everything was falling apart. After a few days of letting him alone to find out what he want…he missed me . Now we are trying to get back that perfect moments, that perfect days …but i feel he’s still cold and distant.He has family problems and he’s changed because of it but he doesn’t realise. He just pushes me away I don’t know what to do…i get upset everyday because i try to please him and it doesn’t work. I want so much to get him back but i don’t know how to….can u help me?

  264.  #264Debbie on June 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Update: My man sat down and had a talk with me Friday evening and told me that he couldn’t to “this” anymore, loved me but was not in love with me anymore, and moved some of his things out this past weekend. I went out of town on Saturday to get away, and he texted and called me to see when I would be home to pick up his things. I told him he could go that afternoon because I was not going to be home (which I told him the night before) and did not want to be there when he came to pick them up. He deliberately waited until Sunday (when he knew I would be back in town) and texted me again to see if I would be home (again I told him I was not and would not be when he was there). He finally went by and only picked up some of his things (and none of the big ticket items he was so concerned about). I have not contacted him unless he has initiated contact with me (usually by text only) and have only kept it to business. I did remove my relationship status on Facebook and he has since changed his status from “engaged” to “It’s complicated” — WTH? How is it complicated? I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. I am doing my own thing and somewhat enjoying being on my own, however, I find myself crying today (and can’t seem to stop) and missing him. Any advice from you sirens out there?

  265.  #265Pure on June 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    No one has replied to my post…help? it’s been ages now

  266.  #266Daria on June 22, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    pure – no one will likely find your post here… go to to


    click on the topmost article… and post there… thats where people are reading and responding

    on the newest articles…

    your post doesn’t have to be on topic

  267.  #267Angela on June 25, 2011 at 9:56 am


    I’m completely lost as to what to do in my situation. I am in a committed relationship of almost 5 years and we live together. We had a small argument about a month ago and since then, my boyfriend has been distant. We stopped cuddling, stopped talking as much, stopped hanging out, etc. He would give me a kiss before he left for work (usually when I initiated it), but that was all. Recently, I confronted him about his behavior and he told me that he isn’t happy but doesn’t know what he wants to do. He says he loves me but that we keep having the same round and round arguments that we have had since day 1, and that our relationship has never been easy. He says that he feels pressured from me to get married (which I can see his point and have promised to stop, but told him that I do eventually want to get married) and that I’m not a generally happy person. I feel like I’m completely happy up until he starts to pull away and then I get anxious and panic. He has asked for his space and I am trying my best to give it to him, but we live together so it’s hard when we still sleep in the same bed (no touching at all in the bed by the way). I’ve been trying to go out and do my own thing, but it is usually in the early evening and most of the time, he comes home after I’ve come back so I doubt he even knows I’ve been out. Since he asked for his space, he has since stopped kissing me all together. The other day, I asked how long he planned to stay and he asked me what the hell that meant. I told him that it feels like we are roommates and he agreed. I told him that to do not want to be roommates let alone just friends and that we will need to figure this out. He just blew me off and left for work. I’m trying to take on the mentality of a roommate and not clean up after him, cook him dinner, or do his laundry, but I can’t tell if he even notices that I’ve stopped those things. I’ve invested so much in this relationship and am generally happy with him when he isn’t in this funk. Obviously, Circular Dating won’t work for me because that would be cheating and I’m not a cheater. Do you have any further advice on how I can get him out of his funk and to come back to our relationship??


  268.  #268Debbie on June 27, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Angela —

    I felt as though I was reading my own story while reading your post. The same thing just happened to me and my now ex-fiance of 3 years. He told me he felt trapped and didn’t know what he wanted. He has since moved out of the house and the only contact we have had is by text. I feel somewhat relieved, however, I feel sad because I did love him very much. I feel confused as to how everything happened. I feel angry at him for not taking the initiative to talk with me to work it out. I am trying to CD (by online dating), however, I feel guilty at times — it’s only been a week since he moved out.

    I would love to read any responses to my post and yours. I feel sad for you and wish you the best of luck.

  269.  #269Femininewoman on June 27, 2011 at 8:35 am

    RE 267 and 268b I CDate everyone because
    I don’t see it as a means of selecting a partner. I use it to get to know myself, meet new people and see how I respond to people and my environment. I use it to keep my vibe up and my energy flirty. I look at other men, smile with them and when I get the chance I open my heart up and practice feeling messages.

  270.  #270sameeya on July 13, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    hello. . em too worried . . i just want to tell u that i have a crush on a guy since four years and now 2 months back i managed to talk to him . . we share a good friendship . . we talked almost all day . . and when ever i asked him to meet me he is ready to meet .. cancelled out his other programs for meeting me. . he took me to the movie and pay my ticket too in return of this favour i made him sum pouches for his sisters who live in other country . . hes is out of country these days and before leaving too i asked me to meet me he was doing his shopping for his mother , i asked him to meet me cux i got some handmade stuff for his mother he said if i wont get anythng for my mother then i will meet u, in the end he got so many things for her but still he met me . . but now at this home country hes ignoring me . . he got online on facebook but do not reply to my messages and he do reply to them but after 12 or 15 days . . what should i do to get his interest. . he will come back here in september . . do reply me

  271.  #271sameeya on July 13, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    he live in jordan . . his whole family is there. . he is completing his graduation from our country

  272.  #272Lisa on August 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I first posted this in the wrong area. Sorry for the duplicate.

    Dear Rori,

    Please help me. My boyfriend recently told me he feels uncertain about us as a long term relationship. He is interested in seeing someone else that he dated a few times a long time ago. He still cares about me and he has fun with me. We broke up last year also and he went back to the ex-girlfriend before me. He then came back to me. After reading your e-book I now believe that what is happening is that I am overthinking everything and pushing him away. I think he really wants us to work out but my behavior keeps making him think we can’t work out. My question is this. Now that I’m in this situation with him not really being in love with me and wanting to see other people, is there any hope for me? We talked and right now we are spending less time together and he is supposedly open to us working. The plan is to be on the sort of break but not entirely and then in a few weeks we plan to take some time together to try to reconnect. I’m having trouble feeling like he is giving us an honest chance. If we don’t spend much time together how can we know if anything has improved? I am the one who suggested we do this sort of break instead of him seeing this other girl. Is it likely I have pushed him so far away that he is already decided to leave? Is he just hanging on to me for sex? I really want to change myself and help him open back up. I’m just afraid it could be too late.


  273.  #273Angela on August 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm


    Unfortunately, I haven’t had any responses for help. I’m still in the ‘roommate’ stage with him and I don’t know what to do. I try to be positive. I try to give him space. I have stopped telling him ‘I love him’ because I don’t want him to hear that and think ‘I know’ instead of ‘I love you too’. How is your situation evolving?? Any insights you have found helpful??

    Here is a complete history and update of my relationship:
    My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past 2 years (except for a 3 month break up in July 2010) and on and off for the 3 years prior to that. I was getting out of an engagement when I met my boyfriend and initially broke his trust which was hard to repair (I’m not sure he will ever completely trust me again really). We eventually moved in together (pretty much skipping the dating phase) and were very happy, or so I thought. One of his male friends moved with us for a few months and I started to see a change in his behavior. He started going out more with the guys and “forgetting” conversations we had had. I tried to talk to him about his neglect, but he told me I was being too needy/clingy and was smothering him. We broke up in July 2010 because he refused to go to a work function with me that he had agreed to go to and I blew up accusing him of not supporting me. For all of 2010 we had been renovating a house that I owned and he had convinced me that we would move from his house into mine once it was finished. Well when we broke up, I moved into my house alone. During our break up, he talked to me occasionally, sold his house, and asked to store his refrigerator in my garage because I was “the only person he trusted”. I agreed because I was hoping it would be a way for us to get back together. Moving on, we got back together 3 months later after a long talk and me promising to be more aware of how “smothering” I can be and to stop pressuring for us to get married. He moved into my house in March 2011 and I thought things were going better, but we started the same cycle again last month except more drastic. Another one of his friends ended a 6 year relationship that was terrible for him. So needless to say, he is now single and ready to go out ALL THE TIME. He and my boyfriend work together so that makes it even worse I think. About a month ago, we all went out and I had a little too much to drink. I guess I started talking about being unhappy or wanting more affection and to get married and that prompted a very serious talk between my boyfriend and myself. He said that he loved me but that we were not compatible. That I have been smothering and pressuring for marriage again (which I had but didn’t recognize it nor did he tell me) and that he didn’t think that we were going to work out. Of course, I became upset and cried and begged and pleaded and did everything except handle the news maturely. He told me that he had heard all of my promises before and that I would say anything to appease the situation (which is true as well). After that, I started to see a relationship counselor to work on my strong attachment to this relationship and how to change it for the better. My counselor, however, believes that my boyfriend is emotionally unavailable, is fine with being alone, and is discussing with me how to learn to let go of this relationship so I can find a more fulfilling one. I understand that my boyfriend and I have very different personalities and needs (he loves to be social, flirtatious, independent, brutally honest, and does not need/like a lot of affection; whereas I too love to be social, but I more enjoy spending time with my significant other, want/need affection, and tend to overanalyze EVERY LITTLE THING – to my current downfall), but I fully believe that this relationship is worth trying to save. Unfortunately, for this past month, my boyfriend has refused to give me any affection whatsoever. He constantly has his hands in his pockets so he will not hold my hand, will not cuddle on the couch with me, will not hold me in bed nor have sex with me, and only gives me a kiss (peck) when I initiate it and even then, he sometimes doesn’t kiss me back or just offers his cheek. We still live together, but he does not call or text message me anymore during the day, he does not tell me when he is working or when he is not going to be home for dinner. He goes out with his newly-single friend 3-4 times a week and I am never invited anymore. I try to get him to do things with me and lately he has been telling me he doesn’t want to. I have gotten him to go to a movie with me and to dinner maybe once or twice in the past month but when we are out, he is constantly on his phone or acts annoyed to be with me. I even speculate that this may even be a midlife crisis since he will be 38 in October (I am 27), he hates his job and is constantly complaining about it (but will do nothing to change his circumstance), he has completely and drastically changed his behavior towards me, but is still living with me, pays half of the monthly bills, sleeps in the same bed as me, has recently bought me some new clothes, is discussing funding options for a new a/c unit in my house (about $7K), and has committed to a trip to Las Vegas in September with me (I am going for work). Basically, I am confused by his actions and I have no idea where to start to get our relationship back on track. I have stopped trying to talk to him because all I do is irritate him and push him further away. I have let him do whatever he wants without questioning him at all, but I feel like he is just moving further away and we are just becoming roommates. I am making my own plans, but I do not have as large of a group of friends as he does so I do not have the ability to go out as often and even if I do, I am home well before he rolls in at 3am.

    I am desperately open to thoughts, suggestions, or miracle workers.

  274.  #274Delilah on August 5, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Rori I was recently in a relationship for 7 mo, I was dating a guy that would make plans for us every weekend, we wouldn’t really communicate during the week except by text & even that was about once a day. I would ask him where this was going, he would tell me that he did not want to see anyone else, but that he couldn’t move forward, which I wasn’t sure what that meant, I ended up giving up and broke up with him, he said he felt guilty for not being able to take it to the next level, this was about a month ago. I haven’t heard from him, I feel really bad and i’m not sure if I did the right thing.

  275.  #275Mochaberri on August 8, 2011 at 8:31 am

    @ Tinique – need your advise. I’m in a relationship that has been up and down. To shorten the story, recently I was over functioning – calling and reminding him of our weekly dates. He said to me that as we are rebuilidng the trust that was lost it seems that when we reach a certain level I push to get to the next level before we’ve even gotten comfortable so with that being said I am still placing a call a day but I have stopped asking about the weekly dates and since that conversation he has initiated the weekly dates. I am trying to lean back even more and not call as much. This past weekend I did not hear from him since Friday night. He told me then that he was still having issues with his cell phone. I relapsed and called Saturday and Sunday but it went straight to voicemail then I called the home phone and there was no answer. My dilemma now is what is the appropiate response when he dose call and asks why hasn’t he spoken to me. Other than telling the truth without sounding accusatory when I respond.

  276.  #276madeline on August 12, 2011 at 7:22 am

    hello ,

    i need some advice. i am interested in a man , we work together on the job. he was married before, his wife passed away about 4 months ago. even before she passed away, he told me that he wanted to move on and look for another woman, that is when he confessed to me that he had feelings for me and that he wanted a relationship. so he became closer to me and we became initimate, we kissed. then as months went by, his wife passed away, he pulled back. he wasn’t the same . he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship , its too early. which i understand. but im confused. why did he get initimate with me before ? is it because his wife wasn’t giving the attention he needed at home ?

  277.  #277Yolanda on August 22, 2011 at 9:41 am

    My question to you is, What do you do when you fall out of love with someone.I have been this relationship for 15 yrs now. I was young and love this man. He is about 6yrs older than me. Now dont get me wrong I still love him but not in love no more. We got married last Feb. We have two adorable children.
    Day before yesterday I told him that we needed space but he dont want it. I feel as though im wrong and dont no where to go. I used to work this guy and haven’t seen him for 10yrs and i bumped back into him about a month ago. We had a thing but it was not that real Love was there but I was in that relationship with my husband now and lover then. I believe if its meant it will come back and this is happening to me now. What should I do? My husband can a bit of controlling at time and both of us is verbal abusive to one another. I have not had a life other than playing wife when I wasn’t at the time. My fear is being alone and hurting the children and him in the path. Help me please because im against the rocks on this one.

  278.  #278gordy on August 25, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    im a guy here and also new here ,.. i have traded places with the “female” here ,.. and so confused , we have a 4 yr old son and yet we were only close till we became pregnent, i am now single , sleeping next to her , im ok to do as i wish im told ,..
    theres no sex and she dont want that , or even to get close ,.. im in love with her and jumped threw every hoop , i cook , clean , dypers all the time back then , all the man chours, and most of the cleaning ,. i do it al and then some ,.. i cant take it any longer, she just never wanted love or a guy ,.. i dont know ,.. she was married once befor with 2 girls , now 18 an 20 , all im here for is to cook and clean and treated like crap

    i have no idea as what to do ,.. i cant find any thing on the net for guy troubles ,.. just for the gals ,… im sop lost and hate to leave my son !

    what do i do ???

    thank you all !


  279.  #279DE on August 25, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    256: PrincessKitten:

    I don’t believe it has anything to do with cultural differences…i date across cultures…including Africans and African-Americans…the tools work with everyone…if they are receptive to it which means their timing is right, they are on the same page as u regarding needs/wants…etc…

    when we use the tools, unavailable men weed themselves out…without me/us doing much work…and that sure feels good these days…:)

    warm hugs…

    by the way, most of us are commenting on the newest thread…(newest post). if any of u need a feedback and/or want interaction, always click on the top page (have the relationship u want) and it should take u to the newest blog post by Rori.

    Here is the link for this week newest post 🙂


  280.  #280DE on August 25, 2011 at 6:20 pm


    I feel sad to hear about your experience…

    Well, like the post says, take care of yourself…i am not suggesting extramarital affairs…but, are there things that u enjoy that make u feel good…and not feel so dependent on her mood ?

    once we heal from this sense of neediness from our partner, then we can express our needs/wants and create healthy boundaries…and of course, make good decisions…what do u think?

    by the way, i posted above the link and information where u can find most of us and can receive future feedback …

    good luck 🙂

  281.  #281Mochaberri on August 26, 2011 at 10:02 am

    PrincessKitten and jaded and confused – I also wondered about using the tools on Black men and how they responded and they do work regardless of face. As you stated PrincessKitten you have seen results and so have I with Black men. If the men are not recepetive then he may not be the man for you. Keep up the good work!!!

  282.  #282chronic overfunctioner on August 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

    I agree with mochaberri. I originally was concerned with using the tools on a black man. It turns out it was the specific man that was the problem. The tools work great on the new man who also happens to be black.

  283.  #283Shirley on September 7, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have purchased Modern Siren and how to get Mr. Right. I started dating this guy about of 3 mths ago. I like him. He is attentive when I’m in with him and I feel comfortable around him. The first month to 5 weeks we saw each other one night on a weekend. I slept with him the 2nd date Grrr. I was fine with that until he started seeing me every 2 weeks. He gives me like a day’s notice as to if I can go out. Which means we go out to dinner then go to his house make love/have sex I stay over and he seems to allows have to work the next day. Now, I’m nervous and scared. And of course I have contacted him like online in instant message. I sometimes feel like he is avoiding me. I’m not very good at expressing my feelings to him. I think I’m afraid he might use it to his advantage. One time he asked me if I wanted to spend a day with him. Instead of saying that would be wonderful. I said yes, lets do something in a way that sounded like. It’s about time. Anyway, we spent last Saturday together. Same routine and it was like he couldn’t wait for me to leave the next morning. But, when leaving I leaned forward and gave him a kiss. He said I hope to see you again and I said nothing not a word and then I kick myself for my silence.
    I don’t know what to make of him. But, I feel like I can’t get to know him unless we spend more quality time together. Longer periods that include a variety of activities.
    One time he met me for supper and I wouldn’t sleep with him. Not because I didn’t want to but, due to life. Having to get up the next day etc. I have been trying to circular date but 2 others guys I had lined up well just haven’t continued to make contact. Everything you say makes sense. But, feels somehow confusing. Your thoughts would be appreciated.
    I would like more attention from A the guy I have been dating but, I don’t have a magic wand to beam him over the head with. Seems like I got quicker results when I turn him down for sex. I don’t want to play games with him and withhold sex. But, I’m not feeling very safe at times.
    Thanks Shirl

  284.  #284Starla on September 7, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Shirley, I’ve heard Rori say stuff about giving honest speeches about not having sex anymore because you’re feeling how you do that seemed powerful and authentic. Maybe one of the other women here can elaborate on this idea! The most important thing is that we share how we feel instead of making it his fault.

  285.  #285Starla on September 7, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    I think you could communicate your feelings to him pretty nicely…from what i can see, you’re already pretty non-blamey and just into taking care of yourself when you need to.

    if you’re anything like me, this isn’t a matter of doing anything or strategizing to address how you’re feeling, but rather this is a matter of enforcing boundaries and not feeling justified, deserving, etc. in taking care of you and how you’re feeling. So if you’re like me, this will feel scary and unnatural. But telling a man “i’m feeling really off balance about things, i don’t want to feel that way with you,” and being true to your boundary and what would make you feel safe and good, is actually what naturally is SUPPOSED to be happening.

  286.  #286Carmen on September 13, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Dear Rori,
    I am involved with someone I love very much. I have and had a serious jealousy issue from the beginning of our relationship. I wanted to break up at the beginning before dragging him through the pain I know so well from this hurtful issue. I was showing signs and he said he didn’t understand why, that he’s never experienced jealousy in any relationship he’s ever been in but he wanted to work it out, he didn’t want to break up. He was married for 20 years to his first love but she left him. I was involved with two other men, similar to the mama’s boy stereotype for about 20 years of my life. Now I’m involved with this very different man for nearly six years, he is 13 years older than me.
    I take blame but not total blame for pushing him into the arms of another woman, which he says I did. I accused him, was suspicious practically every day, made strong insinuations, and he grew very tired and insulted from it. He had an affair with a married woman at the beginning of our relationship, someone he works with. I got over that one, don’t bring her up at all after a particular time he showed how angry he feels about bringing her up in our arguments.
    A couple years later, after discussing the ‘jealousy’ issue with my younger sister, who told him he does needs a friend to vent with, begins another intimate relationship with a different co-worker. He and his coworker started text messaging, and sent nude pictures of themselves to each other. That’s when I told him to move out of the house. We separated for a few months then he said that he wanted another chance, to lets pick up and continue our lives again, so we did. I do not bring her up in arguments; I am trying so hard to stop all accusations, suspicions, curiosity, anything that has to do with them working side by side each day. This is a battle within myself. I bite my tongue to not reveal these feelings. I told him I forgave him and that’s what I need to believe, not for him, but for myself.
    So here we are today, with feelings of mistrust starting to build again, even after two years have passed by. I recently learned he sits inconspicuously in the laundry room of this same coworker he had an affair with, each day, talking. He doesn’t know I heard about this and I have no idea if there’s more than that going on, he certainly won’t tell me, and I won’t ask. After we got back together, I bluntly told him I don’t want him talking to her, creating boundaries, obviously, he’s holding onto something with her if he still talks to her. I understand he works there with her, but to secretly sit in that same room with her is beyond my understanding. I’m not sure if I should confront him with this anxiety, this suspicious feeling.
    He told me a couple weeks ago that he is tired of this relationship, that I always tell him that we are distant, that I’m always talking negatively about how much we’ve drifted apart. I try to use feeling messages, but he doesn’t like to hear them, so he tells me I’m always feeling negative. I’m afraid we’re falling out of love for one another but not sure. I am preparing myself financially, just in case we split up.
    We do have smooth moments when tension is absent. These are days or weeks when I completely don’t think of him, of what he’s doing, who he’s talking to, where’s he at, anything to do with him while at work. I still feel suspicious. We work in the same company, different departments/buildings, but I dare not go over to his department.
    I don’t want to let this go, I love him and I believe he loves me. What do you suggest, Rori?
    That I’m sitting myself up for unnecessary worry or it’s my imagination running wild? I am ready for circular dating but feel a bit guilty because he and I live together. He is not the type to do anything or go anywhere after work, he comes straight home like he always has. I feel desperate for affection and attention too, as I understand he gets feelings of loneliness also. I express my feelings in a calm way, trying to open up but he simply does not listen.
    Please help me!
    ‘Atascosa’ in San Antonio, Texas…

  287.  #287Cyndi on September 18, 2011 at 11:23 am

    I purchased the ebook Have the Relationship You Want and have misplaced the access codes. Please help. I can give you more info to verify I bought it.

  288.  #288Secret on September 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    Hi, I’m new here and not clear on how to submit a question. I hope this is it. I’m losing my mind and need some advice that will help me right away. PLEASE! My boyfriend practailly begged me to fall in love with him. He lived in a different state. I fell. He moved out here about 5 months ago and has been withdrawn ever since. We fight, threaten to break up, etc. We had the biggest fight of our relationship 3 days ago. It was decided by both of us that he should go back to his state. But it broke my heart TOO MUCH. The last 3 days have been awkward and we did talk about him staying. He has been talking like he IS staying and we have been continuing our “relationship routine”. But he seems like this is not what he wants. BUT I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart. What do I do to stop this NOW and then never let it happen again? Please, I need your help! 🙁 Thanks

  289.  #289Fi on October 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Where can I find a hard copy of the book “Have the relationship you want”??
    I need of some serious help here!

  290.  #290Katt on October 28, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    I cannot find my post from this morning, im lost help!!

  291.  #291wango on January 4, 2012 at 12:17 am

    my boyfriend of eight month’s has dumped me christmas night, i am in bits over this as we were friend’s for year’s before we started seeing each other..it really started to change when his ex of two year’s started texting and ringing about silly thing’s at the start i never said anything but when it keep on happening my head just went i took a break down over it .he text me and asked could we put that behine us and start again .foolish i said yes to be dumped again i have been fool my self and making a fool out of myself by ring texting him please help i feel so losted and rejected..can’t think of anything else.. he also owe’s me money alot which has left me without heating and very little to live on help put me in the right direction to end this hurt

  292.  #292JANE on January 5, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I wonder if you could help me, please? I could use some advice…
    On Christmas Eve I phoned my boyfriend of 4 years (he lives in south-east England, I live in north-east Scotland). I phoned to wish him luck for playing for his Christmas Eve Midnight mass, and also for playing on Christmas Morning.

    Everything was going fine, we had a nice chat, until I mentioned a slight problem I was having with my digital camera. While I was on the phone, I tried twice, unsuccessfully, to upload photos onto my PC.
    I mentioned it to him; he just said “I can’t help you, get help from someone else”. I apologised and promised not to mention it again. However, he got cranky and said “Don’t bother me with that; I have my services”. Things went downhill from there; he was cranky with me and didn’t take in what I’d said to him about not going to church the next morning. He ended the call saying “I love you” and we parted quite nicely; but he didn’t phone the next day, and I was very disappointed. 🙁 I had quite a nice day at my auntie’s and phoned and told him; I was a bit defensive, I wanted to say I was having a nice time regardless. He was rather cranky again, and you know I think he’d been asleep when I phoned. (This was Christmas Day.) I’m afraid I felt it spoilt my Christmas a bit, to say the least.
    My mum and brother advised me not to phone him again, which I didn’t. However, he phoned on Wednesday and was in much better form.
    He even asked if I’d been trying to phone him!! There was also a terrible gale, and we got cut off; despite which, he phoned again both times!!
    At first, I was rather mad at him, Rori, but once I’d calmed down I realised I still love him. But he does drive me crazy at times!!
    The other thing was, I went online and was looking for other guys. A lot of them, oh dear…! But I started emailing one, oh he’s rather nice… but I just see him as a friend at the moment. I think he would like more, tho I still love my boyfriend… please, Rori, any help? How could I better handle phone calls with my boyfriend in the future? I’d be so grateful for your help… yours, Jane

  293.  #293becky on January 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    why dose my boyfriend of three years flirt with grls when he is drinking?and he dose it in front of me and if i say any thing i am wrong and i just want to start a fuss.please tell wat to do

  294.  #294Rori Raye on January 10, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Becky – dump him. Love, Rori

  295.  #295jane Canney on January 12, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you so much for your inspiration, read & summarised your book and I can’t stop reading it now. It applied to my whole relationship, I could understand why I wasn’t feeling the love from him, always guessing, waiting for his text, calls. dates and I was overfunctioning. OK, I was in a realationship for 6 months with a great guy. He is a little shy and found it hard to express his feelings, didn’t plan in advance until I addressed it and then he cooked me dinner and always asked when I want to meet for for the following week. We work a half an hour apart and come from near the same areas so both travel home at weekends. We usually met up once a week and sometimes at home, but I used to get upset as he went out with the lads at weekends as he was fixing cars and only finished and then met the lads. Weekends were never organised around me and that was upsetting. I did organise to go out with my friends so once he text on a Saturday evening and I ignorred it and went out for my friends girlfriend. I was fuming at him. I saw him in the pub and he didn’t come near me nor did I go near him. He drove by me at the end of the night and stopped and I saw he was in bad form. I didn’t text for a week and he didn’t contact me as he thought I was breaking up with me. I thought I could teach him a lesson in my own mind. When I got in touch, he was very angry and wanted to know what was the reason for the complete lack of communication. I just said I was busy and had to move house. I asked him and he said, that I was out in his town and didn’t even let him know nor contact me for a week.. Then I asked him to meet to talk it over and he said he couldnt meet he next day but during the week. He came over on the Tuesday texting saying there would be more words than kisses. That was when he said indirectly he was breaking up with me. He said he coudln’t go back on his word. He stayed chatting for three hours about stuff and we seemed to be getting on well. Then he text saying He was sorry if he hurt me, but really enjoyed every minute spent with me. Good night x. So I naturally thought there was hope. I said Good night x. Then a week later, I was still really upset and crying and needed a final answer so I text saying I was hurt and confused and want to know if there is still an us. He rang for an hour and said his answer was a no. I opened up to him telling him my feelings on how I didn’t want to be the one chasing him and I was afraid of being that girl who initiates relationships/ He then said why did I not tell me that last week and things may be different. I could never open up to him and was waiting for him to do it. Now a month on after Christmas, i had cut contact, but he facebooked me for Christmas wishing me a happy one and I replied with the same. I also saw him online last week so I asked him how did he get over his Christmas and we chatted like best friends. He told me all about his Christmas with his friends, work, his masters asked me questions and even said PS enjoyed chatting to me, as well as trying to initiate a flity funny chat about him going to bed teasing me. So I left it at good night & nice chatting to you too. the thing is I really like him still and want to get back with him but don’t want to initiative contact/getting back. I have been keeping myself busy circulating dating, actually dating, running, loving myself etc. Do you think I should meet him for a general catch up over a coffee or like my ego says wait till he says hi on chat again? I look forward to hearing from You. All the best. Please help me!

  296.  #296Amina on February 6, 2012 at 5:09 am

    Hello, dear Rori,
    first of all, thank you for helping all of us, poor girls like me:D
    I’ve also got a question, but think first I should tell you a bit about my relationship…
    I first got to know my bf online. Those days I was interested in someone else, so I kept being nice with him, saying ”hi, how are you” and then quitting. One day he asked my phone number and I gave it to him, but I didnt talk that much with him, told him I was having no time because of studies and so. He used to be very understanding and caring, told me he liked me a lot (like a ”sister”), but I felt a great interest from his side. Anyway, one day I had to break contact with him, as my family didnt want me to chat or phone with guys. So I left him an offline message, explaining everything, deleted him from my contacts and changed my phone number. After a while I felt sooo lonely and began thinking of whom I could contact again. I had left my black ex coz he had not been serious with me at all, ready to meet and sleep with any girl. So I thought of that arab guy, who’d been so nice and caring to me. I contacted him again, and he sounded to happy about it, told me he’d thought a lot of me. We met in a library and talked for a while, he gave me some present for my b-day and then we parted. Later that day he wrote me how glad he was to see me, that he’d felt scary earlier that day and that he’d found someone so close to his heart, who’s just like him, and he did sound so sincere. Some more ”dates” and we felt like we were 1. He was so sweet and loving. I saw it in his eyes and in his body language that he really cared about me and needed me. I was so happy, kept giving him gifts, coz I wanted him to have something from me to think of me where I’m not around. He was grateful for that and seemed to love me even more (until he got used to it..-my mistake). I was also very understanding to him and his problems, was always there for him to comfort him and show my sincere love and commitment. We talked a lot about our feelings and our immortal love. He often felt jealous about me because of other men watching me a lot outside and wanted me to wear more loose dresses, so as not to attract other men. I told him that was not because of my clothes, that they used to watch me before even as i was totally covered up (am a muslim), but assured him I would not notice or need any other man, coz I only loved him(!). Then he had to give it up, told me he’d trust me a lot (even though I knew he was still jealous). Then he left for another city for his studies, and then it all began. At the beginning he kept calling me and telling me everything he experienced there, told me of his loneliness and that he needed me there. I also told him how much I needed him here and everything seemed ok. But then he began calling me every third day, and then every forth etc. When I asked him the reason, he told me he had too much to learn, then it was because of his doubts about his choice of studies, coz he’d always anted to study something else…then he came to my city on holidays ”to take something from a friend”. I couldnt wait for his call, so I called him and asked him to let us meet. I smiled and sounded glad. We met, but I felt some distance and need at the same time. He hugged me and asked me ”to do SOMETHING to make him see only me”. This meant he ”saw” also other girls in his city, but thought ok, at least he tries to resist to that feeling and needs me. I gave him a partnership ring, later he told me that was what he really needed right now. I felt something was wrong and had asked him so many times, if he’d found someone else, that I would understand it and be the first one to bless him, even though it hurts me. He assured me he had no other one each time i asked him this. Then he went back and called me more often first,then less and less. He told me I could call him any time I wanted to, but it was not the same…I felt lonely and angry and betrayed, so I made a huge mistake..I went to my ex..and came a bit too close to each other(even though I never planned this, i only needed some caring words and to hear fro mhim that he still loved me). Afterwards I felt so destroyed, knew I had betrayed my bf and just wanted to die..still i decided not to tell him, but as soon as i heard his sweet voice i couldnt hide it and sms’ed him..told him everything..how bad i felt, how sorry i was, that i couldnt change anything, but love him so much..he needed 2 weeks to be able to talk to me again..then he told me he needed some time to see what we could do next, that he couldnt make any decision right now. I called him some days later to ”only talk” like normal friends..he told me we had decided to wait a bit, so i had to wait. Then he disappeared into his preparatons for exams..some weeks later i called him, asked how he was, if everything’s ok, told him he didnt need to break his head over our relationship, that we could stay good friends right now and just see..he felt grateful. After a few days he called me as a good friend and kept calling me every single day a few days after that. He told me about his problems with his friends, in particular with a female friend of him, ”who’d been so kind” to him and understanding..they’d used to prepare for the exams together, but then smth happened and she got distant to him…I recommended him to talk with her clearly and so on, so each time they talked he called me to tell everything..i felt she was more for him than just a friend, but he said no, she’s a good friend of me, and i just wanna know what’s happened..everything was clear to me..and i wrote him an sms, saying i got it and need some time to get used to the new situation and pls dont contact me. He was ”obedient”…but then i felt such an anger, i needed to talk to him and to UNDERSTAND everything. I wrote him a message telling i was disappointed, he could have told me everything, had been so sincere and open with him all the time, that he’d left me for that girl and now called me ONLY to talk about that girl (it was a long message). He only answered me that he’d only called me coz he belonged to me, and that he never suggested his heart to anyone else but me. I did not say/write anything to it. SO he tried and tried to call me, i did not answer. I’ve decided that he’s not a bad guy, he’s good in fact, just i cant trust his feelings anymore, his heart. So think I should stay normal friends with him (even though I love him). But yesterday he wrote me that his heart would even more belong to me, that perhaps i dont like reading it, but thats what he wanted to write, and that he wouldnt expect any answer from me, coz he didnt deserve it. He added everyone would make mistakes, but learn from them. He’s right, I’d made a huge mistake as well, but I could swear I’d never do this again, I’m sure of it. But he cant..how can he? maybe he’s sincere now and wants to try it again, coz he appreciates me, likes me, or even loves me, but not as the ONE. Otherwise he would not see the others, would he? Now I dont know, how I should tell him my decision of just staying to touch. I love him, but dont want to suffer any more. How should I behave myself towards him now? Should I just answer his calls, but never call him myself? Should I allow him to visit me ”as friends”? I just want him to understand his mistake, that he’s made the wrong choice and to make him respect me again and to not compare me with his other female friends. Help me, please. Thank you 🙂

  297.  #297kate on February 17, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Dear Rori- My boyfriend and i broke up June2011 and he still called, took me out and bought things for me. I was tired of the limbo of not really being his girlfriend and we were not being sexual. The end of Oct. I sent him a text telling him not to contact me anymore, that i would contact him when i was ready. He texted me Jan. 1st, I did not respond. On Jan.19th
    i sent him a text to meet for coffee, we did. It went well and he called to have coffee 2 other times. Once i did not show. I asked him not to call me anymore again, because it was not working for me. We talked and he told me i looked great and happy the last time he saw me. I told him i am very happy because
    i have things in my life that i am happy about. He said i didn’t look like that when i was with him. He was bothered that i keep cutting him out and said i am probably doing that because i have the need to act mean around him. We are going to meet on Sat. for coffee again. I told him i do still miss him and he said whatever. That we can have coffee once and awhile. This makes me feel as though i don’t mean much to him and that is why i stop seeing him at all. Do you have some advice for me Rori ?

  298.  #298Rori Raye on February 17, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    kate – NO CONTACT!!! He is not providing anything of value for you. Move on, Circular Date, stay away from him. You don’t need to explain anything. You’re just done. Love, Rori

  299.  #299confused98 on February 23, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I’ve been with this guy for 2yrs. he treats me good but, then last year he said he need space and started dating another girl. Then he came back to me after a month but, has cheated on me again. When I tell him to move out of our home he will not go. He says he love me and he has a problem being faithful and needs help. I think im more of a mother to him than a girlfriend please tell me what I should do.

  300.  #300Kim on March 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have been friends with a fantastic man for about 4 years and love everything about him, last year we took this further and started seeing each other more intimately. In a very short time I knew I was falling in love with him, I have never had such intense feelings for anyone. Not even in my marriage of over 20 years. Everything was great and then suddenly got distant/just stopped. No calls, he was busy, needed time/space. I believed him, but not having been involved with anyone in an extremely long time, I of course did what I now know was all the wrong things. I continued to call him, even went by his house a few times. I too had much going on and really needed the company of my friend. He was moving at the time and considering a long distance move. (I was worried he’d go without even a good-bye as he is not one to use the phone and stay connected well) Things in my life kept bringing me to his neighborhood, my grandson etc. turns out this made him feel wierd but he never told me and I was feeling wierd worried how he would feel etc. A series of coinsidences kept occurring and in recent weeks I ran into him unexpectedly in a parking lot, then in a bar and had a dream that told me where he was now living. I didn’t even know he was still in town. Now he thinks I was stalking him and won’t talk to me etc. I don’t even get to explain. I went to see him a few weeks ago, I’ve been having a health issue and while looking at something else the Drs. uncovered that I was HPV positive. Not having been with anyone but him in 6 years we know thats where it came from. He is really being an ass and freaking out now. Even told this to people in a bar we both go to. I want to clear this up so much and not lose my friend but have no idea how. I will not let him humiliate me and make me stop going somewhere (stubborn) The person I’m seeing now is not who I know at all, he would never do this. Any suggestions: will he get over this and reconnect with me ever as friends or more? How do I fix this. This friendship means too much for me to lose.

  301.  #301Rori Raye on March 19, 2012 at 12:11 am

    Kim – Please step back away from this man and start learning how to date…I know this hurts, but now that he knows the health part of this – that’s all you need to do. Love, Rori

  302.  #302Teisha on April 4, 2012 at 7:39 am

    my boyfriend and i broke upover three months ago after three years of dating. We constantly fight and its because i always find him in a lie. He says he wants his space an he doesnt want to date anyone right now just time for him and even though he said he wants a break he recently told me to just do me because he doent know when he wants to get back in a relationship and when hes ready he’ll call me. What the hell does that mean and should i just give up on us?

  303.  #303Rori Raye on April 4, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Teisha, the fighting is the problem, and if he lies – in my book, he’s gone. Love, Rori

  304.  #304carrie on April 19, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Dear Rori,
    i have been dating this guy for 3 and a half years. it started off great and then things got complicated. i have told some lies mainly to advoid agruments , i know u say no lies, no way. I have expressed my apologies and regrets to him and he still holds them over my head. i have changed how i do everything and it still isnt good enough. he recently has said he wants his life back. I have 3 kids and he has 1 who is grown and says his job is done. I feel he is being selfish since he knew i had kids right from the start. I am tired of watching every little thing i do to make sure he doesnt get upset. I know u say circular dating is the key but i feel if i do that he wil just say i am being selfish and not considering his feelings since he feels i am to blame for the way things are in our relationship. we live together now and he wants me to find a place for me and my kids. I love him but i am tired of trying to prove myself and not getting anywhere..please advize me of what direction i should go in..thank you..carrie

  305.  #305madeline on April 20, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Hi. I was dating a man who is a widow . His wife passed away 1year & half . He told me that he wants to spend more time with me and that he wants something real with me , but lately we haven’t been going out much . Do u think that he is still grieving for his wife ? Is it too soon for us to have a relationship

  306.  #306Laury on April 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Hello! I´m new here but I´ve been reading your blog and I am really thankful for all the help and thoughts shared here.
    My case is a bit special because my bf and I are from different countries. We´ve been together for almost 2 years, making it work the best we could. After spending 6 months together in a third country, we decided it was best if I just moved to his city (thousands of miles away from my home) because I had to look for a job anyways and I rather be with him. Long distance is very very hard… So I did, I spent 2 months with him. And all of a sudden he told me he needed space. He told me he´s very stressed because he has not accomplished anything yet in life, he has not finished school, he does not have a job and he needs to figure his life out before he can be good with me. He basically told me he wants to be a better person for me and asked me for space.
    So I left and came back to my country. It´s pretty dramatic, but honestly after only 2 months there I still didn´t have a job, I barely knew a bunch of people and I was so devastated I felt I had to leave. After all, he needed space right? Well at first I took it very bad, but then I kind of understood his situation. So I decided to give him the space he wants… But I can´t wait forever…and now I have to figure out what I should do with my life. I made a life decision moving there and now I just don´t know what to do. Everybody tells me to think just about me, but it´s so hard… I gave everything to make this relationship work and now I realize that he´s not mature enough and hasn´t committed as much as I did. Maybe that´s why he freaked out. Our relationship has been very different from others. We went from long distance (skype) to living together and I guess for him was a huge change… Oh I was his first girfriend ever, I think that matters too… I know exactly what I want but it seems to me he has no idea…

    So now I am worried because if he ever wants to get back with me, it´s going to be really hard. I might move to a different city (in his country) so we would be still very far away from each other… and honestly, I don´t know how long it´s gonna take for him to figure his life out…I think he didn´t want to lose me, hence the space and not break up, but it all points to failure… ahhh I am very confused..this happened a few days ago and I haven´t spoken to him. Just a few messages asking how was the flight and things like that…

    I have another question, space means we are not dating anymore? like I am not his gf anymore? I don´t know how to act now..I´ve never been in this situation before…

    I appreciate any insights you may want to share with me.

    Thanks a lot


  307.  #307karen on May 29, 2012 at 11:40 am

    I’m hoping I can get some quick advice. My fiance who was amazing to both me and my son up until 2 months ago has distanced himself. I can list the things he is going through in his life that have nothing to do with me such as terrible finances, a business practically collapsing, depression, and lingering financial divorce issues. I have stuck by him through all of this offering support to both him and his triplet 4 year olds. In return I have gotten a lot of distance. I have been using your approach and express myself in feeling messages, have given a prepared “speech” or two..have leaned back and dropped the oars. I even took our August 19th wedding date off of the table. On our last conversation he said he still wants things to work and still wants me to wear his ring. He is nervous about finances and needs “breathing room” to get back on his feet without having the pressure of a wedding soon. He is also concerned that religiously myself and my son are not on the level of him and his children. We are both Jewish and he is slightly more observant than us but nothing we can’t do..I feel like he is putting us down. My son’s father is Jewish but not observant and he is worried that his kids will be infuenced because of that. I expressed to him what I needed- communication, dates, kindness etc. He said he would do that but I still haven’t seen much. No call yesterday or today. I don’t know what to do. As everyone says in these letters..I love him..I was planning a life with him, a wedding and getting ready to move. I just had to postpone a bridal shower which felt humiliating. All of my students ask me each day when the big day is and I’m so embarrassed. The other day I walked out of my classroom and called in from the car saying I had the stomach flu. Do I wait this out or move on? If I wait it out how do I do that and stay sane and confident. This experience has put my confidence in myself in the dumps as much as I’m trying not to let it. Checking my phone has become an obsession and much as I try not to. I’m so sad- please let me know what to do here- I’m a fiance with barely any communication from a “broken” fiance.
    Thank you,

  308.  #308karen on May 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

    Also he said he hasn’t felt “into this” the past month..but said he isn’t into anything in his life..part of the depression I guess.

  309.  #309Femininewoman on May 29, 2012 at 11:53 am


    I would stop “offering”. Two months is a long time but who knows he might not even have realized. I think it would be best to try and continue living your life until he approaches you. Then maybe share all the feelings. I would assume that this might be how he handles intense emotions in his life and this might be showing what he will be like in the future

  310.  #310maria on June 8, 2012 at 5:32 pm


    I am very interested in your book. However, due to my hectic work schedule, I am not able to do much reading and hardly get to my computer. I prefer audio books. Can you help me out?

    Thanks —— Maria

  311.  #311Rori Raye on June 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    maria – Though I’d still get the book – Reconnect Your Relationship, and all of my programs, are available as audio CD’s or downloadable mp3’s… You can put them into your computer and then to your ipod. Love, Rori

  312.  #312kate on June 8, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    He does not care if i get bored, i don’t care if he gets bored. I just got me a younger, better looking, sexy, young man. Who, by the way, pays 100% more attention to me in every way. He has been with me longer than the one that was lazy.

  313.  #313kate on June 8, 2012 at 11:40 pm


  314.  #314kate on June 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    When he wants space, give hin so much space, he does not know where in the heck to find you. I am sooooo over, the give me space speech. That translates into, i am a scared little boy, and i don’t know how to
    do this thing called a relationship. So i think i will run away, and say i need space. Or call mommy. I am done with boy’s, and that is a boy’s behavior. These overgrown baby’s, do not know what to do with a sophisticated woman. You can’t teach a pig to sing. Move on to the genuine article.

  315.  #315Elizabeth on June 10, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    Just dump him, I just did it with a little boy who needs space. Forget it once and for all and move on be happy.

  316.  #316kate on June 10, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    If you have to pay someone, in order to conduct a relationship. You are with the wrong guy, and your making someone else rich, just to figure out, the guy
    is not in love with you, because if he was, you would not have to figure out ways to reel him in. He would be treating you like a goddess.

  317.  #317Debra on June 20, 2012 at 4:02 am

    I have a question my boyfriend had “said to me
    You will proely go back to your sons father so u can be with your son then he says that if my bestfriends boyfriebd wanted to be with me that i would go you know it”What does that mean that he is pawning me off on someone or what.Then he told 2 people that dont have no connection at all that he cares for me but h dont want to be with me but yet he tok me back.?

  318.  #318Debra on June 20, 2012 at 4:04 am

    Then he had made a commit that my son wasnt his responsability i know my son isnt his responsability but he let us go with out food when we realy needed it he went and bought alchole instead.

  319.  #319Rori Raye on June 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Debra – This man is not your boyfriend. He’s not worth your time if he can say to anyone that he doesn’t want to be with you. Love, Rori

  320.  #320kate on June 24, 2012 at 1:48 pm


    You are in the presence of a boy, who by the way, is not only scared and insecure about manning up and being a responsible, loving man, but i would bet my bottom dollar, he has a drinking problem, easily. This guy accuses you of trespasses, you convey you don’t commit, because, it is his way of discrediting you. Being he has a low opinion of himself. I am sure you have heard, ” misery loves company”-

  321.  #321jenna on July 28, 2012 at 6:45 am

    hi rori,
    I have been with a guy for over a year and recently have been using have the relationship you want tools when our relationship seemed to come to a standstill. I had the talk with him about how i was feeling and told him I didn’t feel as if we did enough together and that I felt as if we were going to run out of things to say to one and other. He got what i mean’t and agreed we needed to communicate more and he started to ask me out on more dates and text me more. However we had a really great night together and then he went quiet for a week in my frustration i called him when i was out and said to him a woman has needs and what did he want me to do, did he want me to take care of myself or should i find someone else who did want to show his presence in my life, to which he answered well maybe we should leave it. It has been six weeks now and although i bumped into him once and he smiled and said hello as i was in company he hasnt contacted me since and i havent contacted him. i have been getting on with my own life but i still feel as if there might be something worth working on between us. would i be wrong to give try and sort things out with him if he comes back and says he wants to make a proper go of things. i would appreciate your advise.

  322.  #322Rori Raye on July 28, 2012 at 9:28 am

    jenna – this is going the way he wants it to go – and so, if he shows up and wants to see you – I’d certainly consider it. I love how forthright you are….that’s going to work great for you in the long run, and in the short run it’s going to sort out the men who aren’t a good match for you. Love, Rori

  323.  #323rachel on August 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Iv been with my boyfriend for 2years, we had 3″breaks” in this time, recently i found out i was pregnant and had abortion which we both agreed on the day after the abortion i received a text of him saying i depend on my happiness on him n dosnt know what he wants, then a week passes i quite drunk n i went to his house n we had sex, then he told me he was confused in the relationship n dosnt know what he wants its been 3days since n hes not contacted me at all..
    Any ideas.what ideas what i shoul do?

  324.  #324Rori Raye on August 15, 2012 at 12:43 am

    Rachel – I’m stunned. You’ll never, ever get your life together if you get drunk, have sex, get pregnant, and chase after a man who’s clearly not ready for a relationship – though I give him points for knowing that and telling you straight. Any ideas I’d have for you would be around getting some personal counseling to help your self esteem and get you taking better care of yourself. Love, Rori

  325.  #325jenna on August 15, 2012 at 5:35 am

    hi rori,
    i am in my 30’s and haven’t really dated in the last 10 years except for one person who was a friend and the other the guy i mentioned before. I have always been to afraid as i was dealing with the effect of abuse in childhood or too busy to even date so i preferred to keep things casual. he asked me out shortly after i decided i would like to date and we kinda fell into going out with each other i think we get on brilliantly we can sit and relax in each others company have a laugh and the chemistry is great between us i have never been so comfortable just being with a person. previously i couldn’t relax around men. he is always affectionate and patient with me. however i got a bit frustrated that he stopped asking me on dates and finished with him. when i got back with him as i said he asked me out more then we broke up as i explained above. we both have a very stubborn nature and i felt that we got on to well to let it be the end. I contacted him and asked if he wanted to remain friends and he seemed delighted to hear from me. he rang back twice just to chat and i he wanted to come round for coffee so we could chat and get the awkardness out of the way. while we were chatting he asked me if i thought there might be a one and i said no then he asked me why i hated dating and i said i did. we just chatted all night and i said i was tired and he left. i thought about his question cause i was sad and felt like i kinda left things a bit hopeless so 2 days later i text and said that i didnt answer his question very well that i said no because that would mean someone else was responsible for you happiness i told him i felt that when ur happy u meet someone and decide that they make u happier and u decide to look no further. he asked if i wanted to chat some more but he got called off to work and rang me everytime he got some time free to chat. he asked could we talk about the text when he got home he got a job and works away now since our break. he rang me several times during the day whilst driving when he got home after the whole day of driving he asked me over to his to talk. i slept wit him to see how it would feel and to see if i had feeling for him and realised that i am just ready to date at the moment and that although i have feelings for him i still want to experience the whole dating thing b4 i decide to be with anyone. i told him its not that i dont like dating im afraid of it but that didnt mean i dont want to try it he said it felt scary to him too and then i said that i felt i need to go on more dates and if he was still interested in me and wanted to date me he should show me by arranging it with me before we leave each other as it felt like each date was our last to me as we never made plans in advance as our last and its too easy for me to walk away. i said i dont have big plans as to what i want for my future just yet but i know i just want to dat and that i know if i feel i want to see him the next week he said well one day rolls into the next and then it turns into years. i feel like a whole load of pressure has been lifted from me as i realised that it wasnt ready for a committed relationship just yet i just wanted him to commit to dating me. i was listening to everyone telling me what i should want instead of actually working out what i want for myself right now. i have decide to be the woman and let him woow me from here on in and maybe date some other guys so i will no when im ready for a relationship if he is worth it or not. i’m just a bit concerned as to if wanting things this way for now will come across as me not respecting myself.

  326.  #326Rose on August 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

    You suggested that I get your toxic man, which program is it in? I can;t seem to find it thanks

  327.  #327Annabelle on September 19, 2012 at 12:06 am

    Hello Rori,

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months, 5 weeks ago because he was smoking pot. At first i was ok with it but then the sadness hit in. I have never met anyone like him before and the way he used to treat me. There was no contact between us and then 2 weeks ago we bumped into each other. We talked for a bit and he seemed angry. I told him I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. He said that he would never have broken up with me and instead would have tried to work things out. I had tried, using your tools but he had a massive wall up. I now know he had been and still is depressed, thats why he started smoking pot. He said that he had lost his job a week ago but had stopped smoking pot, he suggested we meet the next day to discuss things. When I left after bumping into him he gave me a kiss goodbye. I then told him which bar we were going to. I left early but my flatmate told me he turned up later.
    I went over to his house the next day but he had been up all night sick so asked if we could do it the next day after my doctors appt. I rang him the next day once i had finished but he said he was feeling funny and could we do it later in the day. I text him later but he said he was feeling confused and really down about his life and could we do it later in the week. I should have left it there but i STUPIDLY went over to his house cos i was worried about him. He knew I was outside but completely ignored me (very embarrassing). I decided to leave him alone but then on the friday night I put up some of my art work on Facebook and noticed that he had gone through and ‘liked’ some of them. I text him asking if I could take photos of the paintings I had given him but got no reply. I haven’t heard from him for over a week now. I know he is very sad and depressed but all I do is think about him. I went on a date 2 days ago but all I did was compare him to my ex. I cry almost everyday about it and the pain gets worse and worse. I feel like I have lost the man I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life.
    Do you think he wants to get back together or is he just playing games and sending mixed signals.
    We still have each others stuff and he owes me some money for the bond on the flat we were going to move into. What should I do?

  328.  #328CaPattie on October 16, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    Hello Rori – I’m trying to read this particular blog to get more insite on the ” I need some space” issue. I got that after a pretty intense 2 months. When we met we were both not looking for a “relationship” – just wanted to date & have fun. we saw each other at least 2-3 times a week and talked almost everyday. He said he felt like this was turning into a relationship and really didn’t want one. So I asked him point blank – So are we done or do you just need some space? He replied: Baby, I just need some space. So… I am giving him all the space he needs.,, And it’s not like I was taking up all his time. I wasn’t always available because I keep a pretty full social life going with friends & family. He also said he wasn’t looking to date anyone else, just needed space. And here is where I have questions. I know not to contact him – but how do you get your relationship back, after learning to use these new tools, if you don’t have contact with him? Also, do I have to stay away from the places we would hang out? I love these places and so do my friends – do I just not go because he may be there? I just want to ask him what exactly is his definition of “needing space” really is.
    All thoughts & comments appreciated.

  329.  #329Rori Raye on October 17, 2012 at 10:13 am

    CaPattie – The answer here is simple – you let him do whatever he does, and you do NOT avoid being where he is – you just act like an “acquaintance” right now, be sweet, warm and civil (as you are to EVERYONE!) – and you CIRCULAR DATE! You are now free to date other men – if he wants you and misses you, he’ll come around, but 2 months is in that time of when men disappear. It’s likely nothing you did or didn’t do – it’s just not “right.” Love, Rori

  330.  #330CaPattie on October 20, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Thank you so much, Rori! That was exactly my thought too! I’m so happy I found you!

  331.  #331nita on November 2, 2012 at 6:18 am

    is this where you submit a question for the blog?

  332.  #332Rori Raye on November 2, 2012 at 7:56 am

    nita – Yes! Just talk, and if you keep participating, we’ll share back with you! Love, Rori

  333.  #333Julianna on November 2, 2012 at 4:37 pm


    So…do you think I scared him away? I didn’t want to pretend to be something I’m not, you know? So I didn’t try to hide that what I’m searching for is love and commitment! Was I wrong? What do I have to do now? Is it all over? You may thing I am over reacting, but it has happened before… Rori, please help me, I’m tired of suffering for people who don’t care about me!!! Thank you very much.

  334.  #334Julianna on November 2, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Rori, I think I’ve lost the first part of the text I wrote you. So I’ll sum up things: everytime I get closer to a man, I seem to spoil things. I am 23 and have never had anything serious with anyone. This guy I met at a part at college (he is 25), I was the one who went to talk to him, and he was incredibly kind. From that day, we started exchanging messages and one day he asked me out. We went to a bar and it was veeery nice! I had a lot of fun, he asked many questions about me and vice-versa, and we talked about everything. He seemed to be really interested in me. But when he tried something, all I said was “there is the right time for everything”. Besides that, I think he got the right idea that I was looking for something serious, for commitment, and it seemed to me he was a guy who also liked serious relationships. He was very kind for the rest of the night, payed the bill and took me home, again, without trying anything. He even texted me after leaving, saying he had had a great time. I was delighted, because he was fun, smart, handsome, and SEEMED INCREDIBLY INTERESTED IN ME! the next days, he got cold and I had to message him, until he finally said he was confused, didnt know what he wanted, had been dating a few months before, and didn’t want us to expect great things from us. He told me we expected us to be friends, however, because he really liked me. ALL OF A SUDDEN, ALL MY HOPES WERE DESTROYED. All I said was “ok, if that is what you want. It was nice to meet you too”. That day I cried a lot… not only because of him, but because I’m tired of feeling rejected!!! After a few days, I texted him, as a friend, to show I wasn’t mad (even if I was), and to make a good situation between us… he was nice, but didn’t ever show that same interest again…so…i decided not to “chase” him ever again…And wait for the day when he’ll give me value! Rori, please tell me if I did anything wrong? Do you think I scared him away? I didn’t want to pretend to be something I’m not, you know? So I didn’t try to hide that what I’m searching for is love and commitment! Was I wrong? What do I have to do now? Is it all over? You may thing I am over reacting, but it has happened before… Rori, please help me, I’m tired of suffering for people who don’t care about me!!! Thank you very much.

  335.  #335CaPattie on December 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Hello Rory,
    An update to my Oct 17th 2012 note:
    It’s been a rough couple months, but I have been totally focusing on myself. I did, however break down and send him a few text messages (sigh) One was to ask him what it was I liked when we would go get sushi – he would always order for me – and he responded nicely. We have bumped into each other at our local hang out spot once and it was comfortable. I think he was surprised that I was very “aloof” about it! But he has not initiated any communication since. Last week we just missed each other twice. I think he went home to clean up and when he returned, I was already gone, a friend told me. Yesterday I sent a lil text wishing him & his football team good luck. we watched football together alot. I was surprised that he responded and we text back a few times regarding the game. He said ” thanks my Irish” (his pet name for me) Then out of the blue he asked if I wanted to get together for sex! He said to let him know when I was heading home and he would meet me. I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, as much as I would like to. He wanted to know why we couldn’t just be friends with benefits!! I told him that apparently I didn’t know how to do that with him – remember he said he “needed space”, but I told him maybe another time. I just didn’t want him to think he could just come over on a whim for sex with me after all this time. I think I deserve better than that. So we left it at him telling me to let him know if I “get a wild hair”. I’m just not sure how to proceed. I think I can turn this around, but I won’t be a door mat to HIS sexual needs. I want to be with him- I miss hanging out and I miss the sex, damn it!! I am willing to see him as I circular date, but he needs to ask for my time in an appropriate way. How do I let him know that? I want to tell him that he can call me when he wants to hang out or date me, but not to just come over for sex! Friends communicate regularly and are interested in what is going on in their personal life, right? So should I contact him to let him know this or just wait to see if he contacts me again? I don’t want to come accross as being “easy” for him. Your thoughts on how to proceed.

  336.  #336CaPattie on December 17, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    Dang, I just noticed it has been exactly 2 months since he told me he needed space! Wich was exactly 2 months after we started dating – Is this a pattern I see, or nothing significant??

  337.  #337MissEmpowered on December 19, 2012 at 8:03 am

    Hello again everyone. Since I last wrote(Janauary 2012), i have been….FREE! I know thats a weird way to put it but thats exactly how i feel. My boyfriend of three years asked for a break on New Years day and it felt as if my entire world had crumbled. Now, i’m so happy i would not have guessed i would have felt this way. I focused on me and yes… it was hard in the beginning but eventually it became easier as time went by. I just had to keep telling myself, “if he loved me you would be the one ursuing me…” I realized that he was doing me a favor by asking for that break. and i was the one that wanted… needed the break. It gave me time to examine our relationship and to be honest i was not happy for a very long time. He had stop treating me the way i needed to be treated and i was considering leaving but didnt have the ‘balls’ to do it. Well to cut a long story short, i’m glad…. happy that we broke up and i would not change it for anything. Ladies…. love yourself first and allow love to find you in return.

  338.  #338Rori Raye on December 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

    MissEmpowered – Brava to YOU! Love, Rori