When Your Little Self And Nasty Voice Are “Holding You Back” From Healing…

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scroll-heart Here’s a great letter from “Lisa” about the inner parts of it that seemingly make it “hard” to heal:

“Rori you are so great! However I found it difficult to really HEAL on the inside.

I feel a big pain, sorrow, sadness and loneliness inside me. Not always though. There are many moments I feel WOW and so confident and feminine as if I’m the best woman in the world. But my pain is deeper.

With the help of your programs I have a gorgeous boyfriend (I’m in my twenties and not looking to get married yet) of 2 years that I really feel confident and happy with. And he is happy to do all the chasing and caring. He has some level of fear as well, but he leads the relationship really well. When we are together I feel completely THE GIRL.

He’s a student and we live in different cities, we are together normally on weekends. He is the one that does the future talks about getting married and being together always, however I have my personal issues I need to solve first.

I know the real me is a positive, confident and even ‘bitchy’ but feminine and kind girl and I love her. The other part of me, however, is needy with low self-esteem, and I struggle to love her. I want her to go and leave me alone. Because of her and her low self esteem I can’t enter the world my confident part wants. She always cares what other people are thinking and fear of their thoughts.

She thinks I can’t do good and big things. She thinks I don’t need to be happy. She thinks I don’t deserve friends and I’m better off alone. She is nagging and telling me how unworthy I am. I just want to scream, “Fuck you and piss off,let my confident me, the real me take over so I could have a happy life!!”, but she just keeps coming back…

Is there any book, movie I could get help from, maybe some of your programs that I could take a closer focus on to help me heal and let go the part of me I don’t want in me?

I don’t want to accept her or embrace her (the low-esteem nagging me), I tried that already and it only made things worse. I want her out.

My Answer:

Lisa, you sound amazing to me…very aware and determined.

And here’s my take: There is NO way to integrate and heal all the parts of ourselves until we LOVE them all UNCONDITIONALLY.

I’m not sure how you tried the accepting and embracing of your little, low-self-esteem, nagging self – and in all my programs there are ways to work with it – from “The Stranger” in Toxic Men, to the “Nasty Voice” in the ebook.

Try the ebook first, if you haven’t already – and follow the instructions for working with your Nasty Voice.

The thing to know is that all these parts of yourself are madly in love with you – and they’re trying to help you, and give you their gifts.

They’re trying to keep you safe.

Trying to protect you.

Telling you what they “know” – and we all know where THAT comes from (childhood training, habit, cultural training, religious training, gender training, school, authority…)

It’s up to you, the one in charge – however you experience that – to make decisions, and yet, the healing happens when you hear all the voices, sink into them, acknowledge them, love and embrace them, and then move in the best-feeling directions.

Also – over the years, I’ve realized that what I believe Healing is, or where I’m at with it – is completely skewed by my own interpretations of what that’s supposed to look or feel like. I’ll write more about that in another post – for now, briefly:

For me, healing is about having faith that it’s all going along the way it is…and that that’s not only just fine – it’s the way it is.

It’s not about being “resigned” to things being the way they are – it’s believing that this is how it’s supposed to be, just BECAUSE IT IS.

Because it’s happened, because it exists.

And that what “IS” LOVES me.

That life loves me, that love loves me…and that my only job here is to fall in love with life as I’m experiencing it, be grateful for it (even when I don’t feel it), and believe I’m here to enjoy every moment of it.

To believe I’m gifted with life.

Keeping Track of your breathing 24/7 helps. It’s all in the belly.

It’s a “Practice.”

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 10, 2013 at 10:08 am


  2.  #2IamHis on June 10, 2013 at 10:47 am

    LOVE (and needed!) this post. Thanks, Rori!

  3.  #3Arachne on June 10, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Oh, wow. Such a beautiful answer from Rori, and such a great question from “Lisa”. I could relate – with the nagging, nasty belittling voice (alas, not the part about the wonderful, loving boyfriend – YET! 🙂 Hehe).

    If I may, I would like to share something that is helping me at the moment (I am also suffering from chronic low self-esteem and “impostor syndrome” and was at the edge of depression not long ago) – this: http://www.moodgym.no/ It’s an online program/course based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, developed by an Australian university. It’s free and easy to go through, and can be helpful. Its focus is preventing and fighting mild depression and teaching people (especially young people, but works for all ages) to have a better opinion of themselves and “unwarp” their negative thought patterns. “Lisa”, please take a look at it and see if it helps.

    And Rori, if you are reading this comment too – I have been wondering what you think of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and if there is any complementarity and meeting point between your system and this one. As far as I understand it, CBT presupposes *thinking* yourself out of your negative feelings, and the Rori way is more about accepting that the nasty voice exists and just not paying attention to it (instead of arguing with it).

    I personally have been trying to happily integrate both in my life, and I feel no clash. In the beginning, when I read about “changing/fighting your feelings” and “what you think is what you feel”, my first idea was “no, no, Rori wouldn’t agree with this!”. But then I realized there is a clash in *terms* and *definitions* more than anything else. When we say here “I feel sad/mad/glad/angry/weird/yucky/etc”, we refer to the emotion going through our body and soul at that specific moment (right? hope I got it right!), while the people behind MoodGym refer to feelings more as a “state of being in a feeling/mood for a long time”, like “feeling depressed” or “feeling confident about the future”. So they’re basically different concepts, and it would be great if we had different words for them, so as not to confuse things. And it seems to me that you can reconcile both if you treat instant-feelings the Rori way (“I feel angry! My stomach feels in knots. It’s ok to be angry. My anger is ok, I love my anger!”) and deal with long-term-state-of-emotions (for lack of a better term) the CBT way (“I am depressed. Why am I depressed? Because I consider that I am not good enough for my job/this relationship. But do I have any proof that I actually am bad at this? No, I don’t. Just because I screwed up once doesn’t mean I always will screw up. This is an “all-or-nothing”, “magnifying-of-the-negative” kind of thought. Etc etc”) Plus, both the Rori way and CBT promote practicing being kind to yourself, which I find both wonderful and (still) challenging.

    Rori, if you have time, I would really love to hear your thoughts and feelings about all this.

  4.  #4Arachne on June 10, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Also, I would also love to hear what other Sirens have good through – any depression (and “overcoming depression”) stories to share, ladies?

  5.  #5Indigo on June 10, 2013 at 11:20 am


    A writer I absolutely adore, Karla McLaren, talks about depression as being “the ingenious stop sign of the soul”. In other words, some incredibly wise force inside you actually drains the energy away from what you are doing to get you to really *look* at your life. Depression tries to stop you from continuing to go down the path you are on.

    And that when you find the path you are meant to be taking, your energy will return to you.

    I find this a beautiful concept, one which really resonates with me.

  6.  #6Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 11:25 am

    @Mercedes from the previous post:

    I am sorry you dont have the alone time to meditate and take care of your needs.

    Can you schedule a day off for yourself to do that? It sounds like it would help you – and it would make you even more productive…..

    It sounds like you need to take care of yourself and get some stress out!!!

  7.  #7Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Just to give my progress report – LOL – sometimes I feel like I’m doing all this “homework” and I want to “report in” so that you girls who are giving me my grade card will know that I’m not just coming up with the answers but “showing my work” like a math problem – LOL.

    Ok. So he didnt come over Fri. or Sat. Bummed and despressed a bit. Didnt hear a peep from him on Sunday. But had a great weekend nontheless.

    He went this morning to do something that was just for me that was out of his way, very inconvenient and frankly a bit embarrassing and had to take off 3 hours of work to do it.

    He texted me that he wasnt going to be able to have lunch with me and had to work. I was fussy that that was the first thing I heard from all weekend, etc.

    But then, I just let it all go. I’m like, he has his reasons, and I”m sure I will find them out, and he is doing this thing for me this morning, and I’m sure I’ll find out how that went too, etc.

    So I went and had lunch. I got back and he called me and we talked. Turns out that on Sat. he was researching for something huge for his kids, and then on Sunday he spent actually working on WORK stuff all day – who knew? He is stressed about getting a presentation done and wanted to work on it.

    Now, it would have been nice to know all of that – but in the end, I read Christian Carters Ebook again last night and I want to be the “cool girl” he talks about – who is confident and not looking to someone for reassurance, and I did that!

    I was actually doing great and now even better.

    I’m not saying I will always be like this, and I will slip, I just love the fact that I realized I was like my mom and just dont want to run away a great guy (if that is what he is) because I”m constantly showing that I have “missing tile syndrome.”

    Again, thanks ladies……without you – wow. Without you…..

    Ok – I just got a bit choked up.

    Without you guys I really honestly dont know where I’d be. Not in a good place, I can tell you that.

  8.  #8Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 11:34 am

    I just want to say that I love this post too. In a way, the negative voice is sort of like the black dark colors of a painting. The beautiful colors (the loving, accepting and completely healthy parts of me) wouldnt maybe look as beautiful or be as appreciated without the negative voices.

    Its sort of a yin/yang thing. Nothing exists really without understand that it is only the opposite of something else.

    Nothing is “tall” unless there is something “short” to compare it to.

    Nothing is “calm and loving” if there is not something “scared and critical” to compare it to.

    My thoughts. 🙂

  9.  #9Veronica on June 10, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Elsie -7 – Yay yay yay for letting it go

  10.  #10Veronica on June 10, 2013 at 11:49 am

    “For me, healing is about having faith that it’s all going along the way it is…and that that’s not only just fine – it’s the way it is.

    It’s not about being “resigned” to things being the way they are – it’s believing that this is how it’s supposed to be, just BECAUSE IT IS.

    Because it’s happened, because it exists.

    And that what “IS” LOVES me.

    That life loves me, that love loves me…and that my only job here is to fall in love with life as I’m experiencing it, be grateful for it (even when I don’t feel it), and believe I’m here to enjoy every moment of it.

    To believe I’m gifted with life.”

    Oh wow Rori – thank you!

  11.  #11Femininewoman on June 10, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Elsie I feel choked up and teary eyed reading your comments. I keep asking why we have to learn these things in the crucible of the relationship when things are so high stake.

    Why couldn’t it have been otherwise?

    Why is it “this is how it’s supposed to be, just BECAUSE IT IS”?

    I feel deep deep sadness pondering these things and wanting life to just be bright, beautiful, easy, happy.

  12.  #12Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 11:57 am

    @FW – I feel emotional reading that you are emotional – haha! And that makes me feel emotional. LOL.

    I think we need to learn things in a relationship because outside of one its just theoretical. Everyone can say “Oh, yah, I’m the cool girl.” But in practice, to let things go, truly, to be “zen” with what is going on when it isnt going your way is MUCH harder.

    Its like looking at a piece of music and then actually sitting down to practice it – totally different. And you get way more out of the experience when you sit down to actaully practice…..AND….at the end…..THERE IS BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

    Hopefully at the ends of all of our lives we will all have created beautiful music because of the “practicing” we have done here.

    Dont be sad FW because you have to practice – its what makes the music beautiful. 🙂

  13.  #13Indigo on June 10, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Veronica 10

    I loved that too. For me, that is what having faith is.

    Having faith deep down in my heart that, no matter how things look, everything is unfolding exactly as it must and as is right.

    And that I will one day look back on the beauty and know what I could never have fathomed it myself.

  14.  #14Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    “And if life were only moments…..
    even now and then a bad one….
    But if life were only moments…
    Then you’d never know you had one.”
    –Into the Woods

    FW – your thought about wanting everything to be beautiful and joyful made me think of that song.

  15.  #15Veronica on June 10, 2013 at 12:44 pm


    I do feel your faith in your posts recently. And I also notice that you’re growing into yourself, in that there’s something happening with you and I’m enjoying that strength. I hope I’ll be there in the future.

    I love what you said about looking back at that unfathomable beauty.

  16.  #16Femininewoman on June 10, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Profound snippet from Communication Secrets of Powerful People

    “Do not give advice; rather, receive advice. It is then up to you as to whether you use the advice. Become the recipient of something people want to give so badly and you will make them feel good. You will become a powerful people magnet as others are drawn towards your welcoming nature.

    If you were to donate $2,000 to charity, should the charity choose not to accept your donation you would be hurt and feel bad. Not receiving destroys the pleasures of giving. Make the choice to receive what is given to you. Advice can be the present that everyone gives and no one wants, leaving you to unravel a gift with many powers.”

  17.  #17angela on June 10, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Arachne- It sounds so sadistic to say this but for me depression has led me to where I am today and I am kinda grateful for it. Maybe because its 2 years later and time has gone by. Going through it was so tough so dark horrible and painful. I wanted a way out so bad. I tried positive affirmations self help books and I think it was a combination of all. But more than anything it was about having faith in myself. Also I believe and this is how it was for me, being around negative people sometimes intensifies the darkness. Not being accepted taking crumbs put me in that depression. Getting out of it equalled finding a voice(although shaky at times) but that is the truth. As horrible as depression is I believe it shows up for a reason. For me it was a wake up call.

  18.  #18Lisa on June 10, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    @Mercedes thanks! so much! yes, it does feel good… I think Sat. night really set it in.. I had so many other men in both the places checking me out, letting me know they were interested….. that I really took notice that “how many men are out there looking”. They noticed my open heart and felt good not to be sooo attached to “M”.

    Of course he noticed the other men checking me out too.. which made him sit up and take notice.. He even commented on several of the men ….

    I’m opening myself up to a whole world of men to choose from… and I get to chose every step of the way… it’s nice!!!

    {{{ Hugs }}}

  19.  #19Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Each minute changes.

    One minute I feel good – strong – healthy – feminine energy – accepting – loving and “cool chick”

    And then the negative voices creep in. Why didnt he come over Fri night? Why didnt he come over Sat. night? Why didnt he even text me once on Sunday? Why has he not even come over to see me today at all?….at ALL?????

    And then I’m right back to thinking – this man did something for me this morning that was very personal and difficult and he did it for me and me alone. Because I asked.

    He texted me to let me know that he wouldnt be able to make lunch. Again, very considerate.

    So there I am back and forth….and back and forth.

    And at the end – letting someone elses actions dictate how I feel.

    Its good to recognize, but so much harder to let go of it and realize that I alone have the key to my happiness.

    Just venting here, sorry.

  20.  #20s. on June 10, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I feel so moved that i want to thank you! Thank you so much! You ‘ve been the best teacher and the best psychologist i ‘ve had in my life! I wish i could have a personal therapy with you but i live in Greece. Your clients are so lucky! I couldn’t afford to pay for the programs although i really wanted to, but i’ve read ALL your articles from the list together with comments and i am trying hard to follow your suggestions. It;s difficult to not fall in old patterns or ignore the little voice, but the incredible thing is that i realize everything, first time i see the wrong path i had taken. I was feeling that something was wrong but i couldn’t figure out, i was in a mess, i was asking (i even did psychotherapy and a group therapy specifically for the romantic relationships) but i couldn’t get the inspiration. I got it reading your articles! There were the a-ha moments one after the other that completed the whole picture! I don;t want to talk about my self here and now, i just can assure you i was another person who didn’t love herself. I didn;t care for my self, i didn’t feel my self! Never! So now everything is clear and little by little the situations get clear and little by little my life gets clear. slowly but this time on the right path!
    I don;t know what to wish you because i feel that you have eveyrthing!but i give you my love! S.

  21.  #21Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    @Dominique – Were you ever able to find out if Rori’s programs are available for viewing on an android phone device? I would be much more tempted to buy the package deal if I knew that I could view it on my phone, etc. Thanks!!!!!

  22.  #22Mercedes on June 10, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    Elsie: Thank you for your words. This isn’t a matter of taking a day off (I’d also have to rent a hotel room for the day if I wanted to be alone. lol). It’s more like I want to go on a retreat or something. Not just a day of meditating…I do that regularly twice a day already…I’m thinking more along the lines of a full 24 hours or even a full weekend. But now is not the time…it will come, but now isn’t it.

    Lisa: YAY you!! 🙂 That comment made me smile!

    Much Love,

  23.  #23Dominique on June 10, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Elsie – 20 – yes they are.


  24.  #24BeLoved on June 10, 2013 at 2:31 pm


    I would go deeper into how I *FEEL* about him not coming over.
    What are the thoughts, images, stories, memories that come up? What does this remind me of?
    What are the actual physical sensations? What do I need right now from myself?

    This is how I keep the focus on ME.
    Usually what happens is, either the other person changes their behavior somehow,
    or, my feelings about it change and it doesn’t matter to me anymore.

  25.  #25Dominique on June 10, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    And so is mine by the way. 🙂


  26.  #26Lisa on June 10, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    Thanks so much everyone for your posts…. I love my connection with all of you…

    “M” called me tonight.. to tell me about his stocks he almost lost and then was able to recover.. gave me directions for tomorrow ( his first talk on Yoga philosophy). But then started complaining again about not enough sleep and how he left my house Sat. night at 1:30 and got home and couldn’t sleep again… and how his body doesn’t have a sleep pattern anymore.. so he had to take a nap today….

    It felt like and sounded like he is still blaming me for his lack of sleep and lack of meditation. I’ve never ask him to stay late, I don’t tell him what to do, I don’t coax and suggest. I don’t tell him to leave either. Sounds like that is what he wants me to do… be his fire under his butt… that doesn’t feel right to me…

    This just keeps getting up in my face. Him blaming me for his lack of follow through..

    I don’t know how to deal with complaining men.. victim men… using my feeling messages.. I told him Sat.night no sex b/c it was so late and lets cuddle for a few minutes and then off to bed… he had to have sex… he was so turned on from the night of dancing and affection… but now I’m hearing he is regretting it… It was so wonderful the sex.. he said so too, but complaining kind of puts a wrench in joy of it…

    It could be his lack of sleep that is making him complain, or it could be his personality…

    anyone have experience dealing with complaining men…

    Do I out complain him.. act more girlish instead of strong and non- complaining?

    OXOXO <3

  27.  #27BeLoved on June 10, 2013 at 3:54 pm


    For 2 hours a week, once a week, for sex he just complains about – I wouldn’t even want to see this guy. I feel like turning away from him just reading your posts, I would want to find something that feels good to focus on and move toward.

    If it were a conversation with me, I might say, “I’m feeling blamed. It feels like pain in the top of my head, a feeling of contracting and wanting to turn my face away from the phone.”

    I would also question whether he is actually complaining, or simply sharing. I remember T would share every little detail of his inner process with me and all I would hear is, “you need to do something about this, this is your fault” and feel horrible and defensive. Now I love how much he shares with me and it feels mostly good to hear what’s going on with him.

  28.  #28BeLoved on June 10, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Lisa – you’ve also mentioned that things feel like they are on his terms. What are YOUR terms?

  29.  #29Lisa on June 10, 2013 at 4:40 pm


    You could be right… he could just be sharing… and I could be taking it personally… ( wouldn’t be the first time I took something personally)… he did agree that I needed to get some sleep too since my head is still hurting,…

    I guess I haven’t stated my terms… and I’m wondering if I even know what my terms are….

    and your right… I feel like turning away… and I’m so tired of the double standard that why I go see his speech tomorrow, I most likely will be leaning way back… I think I’m where Rori was with her husband when he didn’t want to get married, she just stop trying… and didn’t care anymore… I think that is where I’m at…

    I might just cut him off next time he starts on what he WANTS…

    Maybe he wants me to set boundaries… and I’m allowing him to stay as long as he wants and leave when he wants.. and he might just feel like I’m a doormat???

    I could just start saying you need to leave by 9:30 tonight… which is an hour less than his terms… I need to do my yoga before bed…

    Hummm… too much pain right now to delve in too much… but it’s good. I’m loving this pain b/c I’m caring less and less about what he thinks, wants…. and only thinking about what I’m feeling and needing right now…


    {{{Hugs}}} <3

  30.  #30LittleStar on June 10, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Thank you Rori for your reply on last post. I read it over and over again 🙂

    Well I just talked on the phone to Every 2 Weeks man and was able to express how I felt about him giving so little time, I managed a lot of feeling messages. There were times when it was too explainy. But I feel certain he heard me in a non threatened way.

    I feel relived that I’ve told him ..credit to him he listened well and was honest about feeling uncertain about what he wanted with me. It felt great telling him, like liberation!

    So i said our time together feels amazing but it feels bad afterwards and I don’t want that. I told him I have to take care of myself now..

    Cultivating two new CDs online right now though heart not in it (but guess it shouldn’t be right now)

  31.  #31Zia on June 10, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Such a great post. I also found a lot of the work in the Toxic Men program HUGELY helpful as a first step. Somehow after taking that first step, I’ve proceeded on this amazing, enlightening journey of acceptance of myself – ALL of me. I really feel connected to this post.

  32.  #32Andrea on June 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    man.. that nasty voice…

    you know what I’ve been figuring out this past week? I’m so used to that nasty voice inside of me, that I looked for and found a man who almost exactly mirrored that voice outside of me.

    Does that make sense?

    The man that I was seeing was so judgmental towards me, and yet, I clung to his opinions and world views because they so closely resembled my own.

    Our relationship went topsy turvy when I started to switch the script from the inside out. I started to say, “I love you Andrea.”

    I started to look at all the parts of me that were somehow so wrong and so ugly according to him and according to my inner nasty voice and just held them, just loved them, just … (I don’t want to say forgave them, or accepted them cause that would imply that I believe they are bad) I just started being okay with who I really am.

    Now, that man and I… I feel so little in common with him. I feel so free of his opinion. We haven’t spoken in about a week now, just a few texts here and there, but I feel so light.

    I realized today that there is something that I have really wanted to do with my career that I mentioned to him about six months ago and he absolutely hated it. So I buried it.
    Now I realize that it wasn’t him… whether he was supportive of it or not… that’s not why I chose not to do it. But I let that be the reason why.

    I’m scared to take action toward change. I’m scared to move into the spotlight in my career. I’m scared to make choices that are based on ME and my real values and my real desires. I let my relationship with this man be an excuse to give up on me.

    I am feeling so different about him and about me and about our stuff. I’m feeling like my career move would not have been a big issue for him at all if I had been excited, siren-y, and fired up about it, instead of asking his opinion of it.

    I’m just feeling like I got handed such a great lesson with this whole relationship. I enjoy the freedom I’m experiencing right now. And I’m actively seeking to surround myself with people who vehemently agree with the positive, lovely voices in my mind and heart. I feel the nasty voices kind of going quiet right now….

  33.  #33Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Just bought your E-book Dominique!!!!! 🙂 Cant wait to read it. 🙂

  34.  #34Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Dominique – help! I think I bought the wrong ebook! 🙂 Can you email me? You should have my email since I paypaled you 🙂

  35.  #35Lisa on June 10, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I’m crying… loving my growth… these wonderful women who are so giving and loving that just bring me to clarity and peace… feeling loved by the feminine is good, feels good…

    I’m feeling sad b/c I realize I have an addiction to giving too much in order to be loved…

    I’m sad b/c I don’t know how to know how to break the addiction and what guage do I use to know when to stop giving…?

    It feels good to know this.. and cry it out…


  36.  #36Limbogirl on June 10, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Rori, I have been trying to heal myself but not successful when the situation is still not concluded, I felt very frustrated. My husband moved out for 6 months already and I had stopped contacting him for 1 month at the beginning, and he has been kept dragging and wanted to see me but sometimes he just disappeared, our parents didn’t know until this week as I decided to tell them as I felt it is unfair to me. He still does things to please me and send caring text to me everyday but he doesn’t know what he wants as he wants to honour his heart. He said his feeling to me is like a family member and doesn’t want to lose me in his life but there is something missing in his heart. and he doesn’t know if it is good to get back together for long term but at the same time he doesn’t want to make a wrong decision as he worries about me and his parents. We only married for 2 years and been together for 7 years. His behaviour is making me feel numb on him and don’t know the point for meeting up, and not sure if I still love him or just because of my emotions and the past and future worries. When we go out he would look for things for his home which made me feel disappointed as it is indirectly telling me that he doesn’t have any plan to get back to me .

    I don’t have many friends here and they all back to their home town. I do have my hobbies but I don’t have the motivation to do them.
    I have been using your feeling method in the conversations but I feel very annoying if I express the same feeling all the time around frustration and anger about the situation, it is not getting anywhere and he just keep saying have faith to God and he said he understands how I feel.
    How to turn around the situation with a strong minded man like this but at the same time he is wishy washy?


  37.  #37Hana on June 10, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    WOW, so much love! So much feeling!

    Ladies, you are amazing.

    Btw, am I the only one that has nightmares when a man withdraws from you?

    I just had one tthat involved a car, a hijack …keys and a gorgeous but scary man that was going to make me ignite a car that was going to blow up :() ???? Our dreams are crazy sometimes! Is this my insecurities? Am I hurting myself somehow?


  38.  #38Hana on June 10, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    I left my phone in the car, I’ve been detoxing from it! So when I’m with the kids after 5pm I leave it there lol, it’s raining now and I’m tempted to go out to get it, but…… it’s better, sweeter to just wait till tomorrow morning. 🙂

  39.  #39Zia on June 10, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Andrea I can relate 110% to your post! I am also facing some fears about changes in my life with regards to my career and what I want to do… I can’t work out if I’m afraid of failing, or if I’m afraid of succeeding.

    I am actually starting to realise I’m afraid of succeeding because I’m so used to failing in these specific areas of my life…. and its all I know. And I’m exploring that.

    But I love what you wrote about starting to love yourself from the inside out 🙂

  40.  #40Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 9:35 pm


    I would go deeper into how I *FEEL* about him not coming over.
    What are the thoughts, images, stories, memories that come up? What does this remind me of?
    What are the actual physical sensations? What do I need right now from myself?

    Ok – I am going to do that exercise. I’m closing my eyes and typing. When he doesnt come over when I think its very reasonable that he could……I FEEL…..abandoned. alone. used. unimportant. It feels like somehow he is punishing me or only being with me when HE needs that connection. It feels…unilateral, and not mutual. It feels cold. It makes me feel physically nauseous and very isolated. It feels lonely and overwhelmingly quiet. It feels like there is a pit in my stomach because he doesnt love me because he isnt here. It makes me feel like if he loved me he would be here. It makes me feel like I am offstage waiting to go on…..anticipating the wonderful rush I get going on – only to be told that my part in the play has been cancelled in the last minute in the middle of the show, and I wont be going on after all. Momentous disappointment.

    Ok – I just reread what I wrote. Wow. If I can feel how much I am giving the keys to my happiness to this man, surely he can feel this too. The words I use sound so…..exaggerated. They sound very….dramatic. Its like a tempest in a teapot. Much Ado about nothing, really.

    How interesting. And what a fantastic exercise.

    Thank you BeLoved. How can I hope to be a Christian Carter “cool girl” when I so clearly am not?

  41.  #41Elsie on June 10, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I just had another realization. As much I hate being alone (and I truly dont like it – I’m a huge people person, and get my energy from being around people, and need almost zero alone time…..its not important at ALL for me to be alone, etc.) As much as I hate being alone……that is probably as much as he LOVES being alone, and as much as he NEEDS that alone time.

    If I feel this way when I am alone, it probably feels the same way to him when he doesnt get it.

    Interesting…..and insightful. As CCarter says – Seek first to understand and then be understood.

  42.  #42Vi on June 10, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    ‘To believe I’m gifted with life.’ I feel moved…

  43.  #43Zia on June 10, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    Elise – I’ve been doing this, and so far the calls have been absolutely amazing for me. maybe there is something in there for you?


  44.  #44Indigo on June 10, 2013 at 10:35 pm


    Thank you 🙂 There is most definitely something happening with me, and I’m growing into my strength more and more. It’s a wonderful feeling.

    For me, having faith and looking back at the unfathomable beauty are things I believe right to my core, right to the very depths of my being.

    I wish that for you also 🙂

  45.  #45Indigo on June 10, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Elsie 39

    I can confirm that is indeed how it is for an introvert, that alone time becomes very much a need and not a want, as much as company is a need for an extravert. This is something you would have to accept over and over again with him, do you want to?

    Also, I feel curious why you would want to be the “cool girl” if you are not. What does being “cool” contain for you that you want for yourself?

    Also I am concerned about your many references to being “healthy”, as if you are somehow not at the moment. It speaks to me vaguely of rejecting oneself. Do you know that you cannot accept someone else completely until you have accepted yourself? That is not to say there won’t be things you want to heal and develop in yourself, but unconditional acceptance of yourself I believe comes first.

    I hope none of this sounds harsh. *Biggest hugs* to you.

  46.  #46seahorse on June 10, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Thank you Rori. Thank you Sirens. I close my eyes and see you all and I send out lovely furry blankets full of stars and the humming of the earth………. Sweet dreams to all 😉 Love ya bunches

  47.  #47Veronica on June 10, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I woke up this morning and realised that I hadn’t trusted BM in the last couple of months. I just didn’t have faith in him leading. But this wasn’t obvious to me. It would pitch up as him saying trust me/this and my emotions not following suit at all. I felt bad at the time as if I was messing up a very slim chance for us. This morning I realised that it would be very foolish of me to think I could trust so openly someone who had just abandoned me. It’s impossible. So I learnt about myself (which I’m kind giddy at the magic of it) that if I don’t trust or I’m in a situation where I don’t feel trustful, then I want to run/lead the relationship. I feel like dancing around with this gem. I NEVER thought I would say this: I love my distrust.

    I also had a very vivid dream. I dreamt my brother/BM (they seemed to change identities) was collecting this biggish spider and my body was cringing worried that they might get bitten but nothing happened and they were so calm about it. Then my brother who then became BM came closer to me with the spider and I felt such panic. Then I saw a plastic baby doll trying to suckle and I immediately tried to breastfeed it while at the same time trying to figure out how a plastic doll who is hollow on the inside would need nursing. It was more mysterious than weird, as though there was another level of existence that I was just beginning to grasp.

  48.  #48Veronica on June 10, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Oh Seahorse you’re so precious!

  49.  #49Millie on June 11, 2013 at 12:41 am


    What I’m about to say is pretty brash and probably not aligned with any tools…but after reading your post and cumulative posts about “M”…I say-Fuck this guy! Here you are working on yourself, using the tools, trying to use them on this man to make the relationship better, to make you better, re-evaluating your habits, your word choice, apologizing to him, being very self-aware….those are all AMAZING things that will strengthen a relationship! You deserve a man who wants to be on the journey with you. “M” seems to be on a separate journey…am I right? This guy started off giving you cake and I remember you weren’t sure even then that it was enough for you, each time I read about him, it seems he is taking less cake off the plate each time. It is wonderful that he is working on himself and his needs, his spirituality, sleep patterns, etc. Good for him! Great!! I’m happy to hear he is focused on bettering himself. But I’m not sure that the best version of himself is the best version of him for you.

    Reading your story, if I were in your shoes, I would feel fed up and frankly annoyed. I’d reach the point of not caring and probably just say–“You know what, don’t come over anymore. I’m hearing you need to take care of yourself-go do that. My needs are not being met. I don’t want to be in this anymore.” To me, I wouldn’t even want to share how I felt, I wouldn’t even want a dialogue.. it comes down to “I want/I don’t want.”….But, that’s how I would feel. I know you’ve had a lot of good time with this man and that makes it difficult, but I think all this amazing siren energy you have inside and surrounding you, is better spent elsewhere.

  50.  #50tryingtodogood on June 11, 2013 at 5:22 am

    I was talking with a dear friend who said this to me the other day! I am learning to accept what is, and what has been, and love my whole self. All the experiences in the past, including what was done to me, and my own choices-good and bad, are part of me and have taught me everything I know.
    This has been a difficult and painful process, but very necessary for me because before I was always trying to earn love, and was very needy and hard on myself. It always caused me to be a doormat, and I’m feeling very empowered by being able to say “no” to people, and being able to state my boundaries and express my own feelings when violated.
    Some people in my life are asking “what’s gotten into you?” Still others are very supportive and happy to see me “bloom” and begin to gain the passion back for life.
    For Arachne in response to #4, I struggle with depression every day, and have not been on medication for the last year. I have begun to realize that the sorrows and scars of the past coexist on my heart with the joys, and they never disappear, but both go forward with me and make up who I am. The difference for me is that I accept it now, or at least I’m learning to.

  51.  #51Sassy on June 11, 2013 at 5:37 am


    I agree with indigo about us introverts needing alone time. It is as important to me as breathing. I get very anxious being around other people for too long.

    I admire your processing and taking on of the suggestions you receive here. I feel intrigued as to what other interests you have that would allow you to move your focus from him and how he’s not appearing to meet your needs.

    Recognizing what we pick up and carry from our parents into our adult relationships is huge. I find more of my own answers about why I am certain ways, as I spend time with my mom. Some of it is not real pretty but I intend on learning and hopefully improving.

  52.  #52Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 6:22 am

    Hi tryingtobegood. Your comment about the doormat resonates with me. Over the weekend I was helping out a single dad with his daughter. I underestimated how full my day was and ended up feeling overwhelmed. In the midst of it all he called asking for more and when I said no he went into a bit of a rant that I could not take at the time so I hung up. When he saw me later he raised his voice at me in front of two kids telling me he is not speaking to me and won’t ever ride in my car again because this was the 2nd time I was disrespectful to him. I tried to tell him I was feeling overwhelmed and his response was everyone has enough trouble to go around and I should not throw mine on his. The child was at my home earlier and when I got back from dropping off my kids to music practice she was gone. I tried calling both of them to see if he was the one who picked her up because I had no idea where she was but he refused to pick up the phone and that was what he told me when he saw me later.

    I do not want to be shouting at anyone but looking back it seems I should have tried to tell him I don’t want to be spoken to that way. In hindsight it seems to me that I was being a doormat by speaking to him in a lowered voice and then disengaging when I realized he was not listening and being unreasonable. Yet I have decided to take a lesson from the experience and not beat myself up. Inasmuchas I don’t want to build up walls should he lean towards me in the future I have decided to let him know that I don’t friends who would look to speak to me in that way and say such words to me. Also that I have chosen to respect his decision and move away from him.

    He was saying this was the 2nd time I was disrespecting him and it won’t happen again a 3rd time. I have no idea what happened the first time around. But I can remember him pressuring me in the past to take him shopping. I conceded and took him even though I didn’t need anything. When I told him I was going to store down the road he spoke to me with a level of disdain and scorn I have only experienced once before in my life. He wanted me to wait around in the same spot with him, come inside with him or tell him exactly what time I would be back because he did not feel like waiting when he was done. He told me how another female friend had taken him there and had him waiting for hours after when she stopped by a birthday party.

    I understood how he felt and was trying to control myself because I was thinking he must feel bad having to depend on people all the time so I was conscious of not giving the impression of wanting to trample on his feelings just because I was doing him a favor. Mind you, I went to pick up his kid, have my daughter help to do what was needed (even though she didn’t want to) then take her back home. He had the nerve after shouting at me in front of her, telling me he is not speaking to me and not riding in my car, to ask in his raised tone if I was taking her home.

    With the shopping incident years ago I decided I would never take him there again and he has had the gall to ask me to but I refused. This time I have committed to give him his wish and hold him accountable to the words he spoke to me on Saturday.

    My choices in not reacting by yelling back or being insultive have my NVs telling me that I am a doormat but I know I don’t want to lower myself to get into any gutter fights because I hold myself in high regard. I know my NVs are trying to protect me and I tell them thank you. I love myself and in the face of everything I am in charge of me and am making babysteps towards the place I want to be on the inside of the me and towards the person I want to be in the world.

  53.  #53Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 6:30 am

    Elsie – I actually like the concept of being the cool girl. I have seen Rori talk about a little also. My opinion is that you can create your own way of becoming that cool girl if you want to be her. For instance if you really need all that energy from people around you maybe you could look for ways to build relationships. Relationships with some girlfriends that you might have lost touch with because you were busy building a family. Reconnecting with some high school or college friends could create the kind of outlet/inlet you might need. I really don’t believe any one person can fulfil all our needs. The more people we connect with is the bigger the world we create for ourselves and the more unique experiences we draw towards ourselves. The world is a large place. With only one other person it is too small. Just thinking about that have me feeling claustrophobic.

  54.  #54Sassy on June 11, 2013 at 6:40 am


    49, Wow!

    I have been called a doormat and yes, believed it to be true at times.
    Reading your story does not make me think of you that way at all!
    What it appeared to me as was he was bullying you and obviously has no respect for you. He sounds toxic.

  55.  #55tryingtodogood on June 11, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Femininewoman, I think we are taught as women to serve others and always be available for others’ needs, but it leaves us vulnerable to being taken advantage of. It was kind of you to try to help this man, but it does sound like he is very self-centered and controlling. I have learned (the hard way over and over again) that there is just no way to please people like this-and in fact it tears us down after trying too many times. And the only way to tell it’s been too many times is the way you end up feeling bad about yourself, or hurt and insulted by their belittling of you.
    This is hard for us, but it helps build self respect and nurtures our regard for our worth as human beings, therefore it is well worth the work 🙂 Bravo!

  56.  #56Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Thanks Sassy
    Thanks tryingtodogood

    I have an internal belief that I don’t respond well to bullying because I refuse to be bullyed. I believe in standing my ground in the face of bullying, even if it means standing quietly. I don’t know if that is how I come across but I have this internal thing that tells me never to give in to bullying. I have to admit though that it seems I attract it at times. There is a man a work that I felt recently was trying to bully me with his emails. I had to enlist the help of our chief to address him.

    What do I believe about the tearing down? I believe I am the one who allow someone to tear me down with their words if I believe what they say. I can choose to be believe it is their problem. I don’t accept the bilitteling words and incorporate it in my brain. It is not my problem. I really don’t need their opinion about me.

  57.  #57Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 7:06 am

    I ask myself how am I contributing to this situation?

    Why am I there?

    What am I saying about myself?

  58.  #58BeLoved on June 11, 2013 at 7:15 am

    “I understood how he felt and was trying to control myself because I was thinking he must feel bad having to depend on people all the time so I was conscious of not giving the impression of wanting to trample on his feelings just because I was doing him a favor. ”

    I wonder if you were making his feelings more important than yours? or were more focused on his than yours? Were you trying to portray an ideal image, instead of your in-the-moment, true self?

  59.  #59prplpsn28 on June 11, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I can relate! I battle the NV’s all the time.

  60.  #60Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I believe I was BeLoved but I knew I did not want to argue with an unreasonable man and was also trying to balance both.

    “Were you trying to portray an ideal image, instead of your in-the-moment, true self?” I have no idea what an ideal image is I just know who I want to be. I don’t care who he was being and refuse to allow him to influence me into throwing a tantrum. That is not what I want for myself.

  61.  #61Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 7:30 am

    The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

    — Unknown

  62.  #62Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Andrea – 31 – LOVE your revelations. Made me think of this one, so it’s for you and anyone else who might resonate with this.



  63.  #63Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Elsie – 32 – Thank you. I just emailed you back. 🙂


  64.  #64Hana on June 11, 2013 at 7:42 am

    My ex husband had an anger problem, he was abusive. I remember times that I would shout back, but the times that were most amazing for me is when I stopped and just refused to fight his fighter. I don’t understand men that get very angry actually, it must be from some kind of traumatic event in their lives, perhaps their upbringing or immaturity, but I usually steer far away from that type of behavior, I find myself getting more attracted and attracting more men that are sweet and kinder then I’ve ever had in my life, which is really a wonderful thing, it means I’ve healed from him and no longer need that bad behaviour around me.

  65.  #65Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Thanks Hana. I am acutely aware of why this guy would be carrying around anger. Several things in his life fell apart. He is not remotely on my radar of someone I would date one on one.

  66.  #66Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Femininewoman – 49 – I think you handled this well. Removing yourself from a bad feeling situation is taking care of you whether you speak or not. SO not being a doormat.


  67.  #67Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 8:01 am

    And taking things back to you – YAY you Femininewoman. YAY you!!!


  68.  #68Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Elsie I thought of you when I read this:-

    One of our favorite questions to ask ourselves when we feel critical of each other is ”What can I learn from you?” One of those major differences between us is the way we have dealt with painful issues that we need to process, whether those issues are ones between us or not.

    Here’s how Otto explained it…
    “There are times when I need some time and space to get to the bottom of some anxiety or upset within me.
    When we first got together, it was difficult for Susie to understand my process for working through things. “As Susie began to understand, honor and appreciate my process, she really ‘got’ that there were times in her own life when she needed to dig a little deeper within herself as well.
    “She discovered that taking some time and space to sort out her feelings that she hadn’t realized were there was actually very helpful.
    “So instead of being judgmental about how I was different from her in the way I process things internally, she began to embrace and practice the same type of process which usually has led to a deeper understanding of herself and what she wants in her life.”

    Nothing kills a relationship like a steady diet of criticism and blame.
    And if you want to nip criticism and blame in the bud, it’s all about shifting your perception about those differences that either makes the relationship great or tears it down. If we agree to learn from each other, the differences can serve as a catalyst for creating better relationships and lives. What might that shift in perception look like to you?
    Here are 5 ways to make that shift and create more love and peace in your life…
    1. Recognize that the differences between you do exist and don’t dance around them or make it wrong. Bring them out into the open.
    2. Talk about how you can handle the differences
    between you without blame. For instance, if one person wants to “go to the cave” when conflict comes up and the other person wants to solve it “right now,” make it okay to allow time to process AND decide when you’ll come back together for resolution.
    3. Stop yourself from making a derogatory comment that you later regret by taking a breath instead. Ask “What can I learn from you and why is my life richer because of those differences?” when you feel critical of each other.
    4. Create and stick to agreements. You may have
    fundamental value differences and may need to create a loving boundary.
    If your value differences are so great, it may even be a deal breaker that prevents you from staying in the relationship. Relationships don’t have to be filled with blame and criticism.
    They can be full of love and kindness–and sometimes it only takes a small shift in perception to make that change.

    Talk to you again soon…
    Our best,

    Susie and Otto Collins

  69.  #69Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Thank you Dominique. Your words have helped me to relax my judgement about myself around the experience.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 8:20 am

    “And since this part of her flies in the face of what he feels comfortable with, as a result, one of the things he did was to acquire a habit of voicing blatant appreciation for other women in her presence which feels so hurtful to her.

    But since he feels compelled to speak his thoughts out loud, I see this is as an extension of his fear, an act which is attempting to pushing her away since his comfort levels are being challenged with her.

    But really there are deeper things going on here.”

    Dominique these words are chilling and at the same time compassionate. I can feel my fear at looking things in this light but at the same time a deep knowing that it would be caring to myself to do it.

    Building awareness and willingness to trust myself.

  71.  #71Indigo on June 11, 2013 at 8:23 am


    I feel really thrilled that I finally bought your e-book! Reading it now on a day I decided to take off because I just needed to some calm and quiet and balm for myself. It is definitely helping 🙂

  72.  #72Indigo on June 11, 2013 at 8:24 am

    * take off work

    * needed some

    * my soul

    Goodness, sorry about all the typos!

  73.  #73Elsie on June 11, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Ok – someone please help me.

    After the fact that the last 4 days I have felt completely like he has sort of drifted and checked out and is very distant….

    I just found out that he KNEW I was going to this certain city for a work trip. He is going to be in the SAME CITY for work for two to three days.

    WHAT!?!?! I just saw some correspondence, so I know he will be there. He already knew I was going to be there because I had mentioned it. He didnt even MENTION that he was going to be there. He KNEW that at some point I would find that out?

    What in the WORLD?


    What???? We could go to dinner, a movie, hang out alone…..

    He doesnt even MENTION it?

    Do I mention this to him that I now know that he is going to this city for work and that we will be there at the same time?

    What do I do?

  74.  #74BeLoved on June 11, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Elsie – first, sink into your feelings about it…
    I like to put one hand on my heart and one on my belly when I do this.
    Notice what is going on with YOU first, take care of your feelings first, then you can approach this from a more centered, resourceful state.

  75.  #75BeLoved on June 11, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Also, Elsie…since I know your faith is so important to you, how do you feel about connecting with G0d and praying about it for a bit?

  76.  #76BeLoved on June 11, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Typing this made me smile, I’m going to take some of this for myself….the one source of attention I know I’ll never drain or be too much for 🙂

  77.  #77Elsie on June 11, 2013 at 9:07 am

    BeLoved – OK. OK.

    I feel rejected. I feel nauseous. I feel teeth chattering and shaking like I’m cold. I feel like I’m going to lose it and cry at work. I feel like maybe I made all this last year up in my head and he doesnt really love me and I just heard everything I wanted to hear instead of the truth, which is that he only wanted me for himself, for selfish reasons, for companionship for himself, that he doesnt care about my needs. I feel nausous – oh so nauseous.

    I feel so rejected. I keep using that word, but I do. I feel needy. I feel clingy. I feel brushed aside. I feel unimportant. UNIMPORTANT. That is how I feel. I feel unimportant. I feel like my feelings dont matter. I feel like my needs dont matter. I feel like my heart doesnt matter. I feel rejected.

    I feel alone. I feel hatred that I am alone. I feel angry and frustrated and rage. I feel furious that he would not even mention this to me or think about me. And if he did think to spend time with me that week that he hasnt mentioned it to me yet.

    I feel sad. I am crying now. I feel unloved. I feel tired that this all has to be so hard. I feel angry about the fact that I think I’m a wonderful person full of giving and love and that my soon to be ex husband took advantage of me for almost a decade. I feel tired that now I have to start over, and I think I have done everything right, and I’m still having to work so hard. I feel like I dont want to have to work so hard. I feel angry that someone isnt there to pick up my pieces when I have been there for everyone else. I dont want to pick up my own pieces I want help from someone else. I feel angry that I have to do so much work emotionally on myself. I feel angry that these guys dont seem to have to do any of the work, and all of us are on here working so hard, and why do we have to work so hard? I feel taken advantage of emotionally.

    I dont know if he has anything planned. I dont know but he knows I would find out about this and that we would both be in the same city – that cant be hidden forever, it will come up in the travel reports that our office generates, etc.

    Not even a phone call yet from him this morning.

    I feel ready to just reject him before I get rejected.

    I feel stupid.

    I feel like you girls will stop wanting to listen to me about this.

    I feel like there have been so many times that I have said so many wonderful beautiful things about things he has done and that its me, and that I’m crazy.

    I feel afraid that I am crazy.

    I feel like I just want him to hold me.

    BeLoved – that is more than you asked for, I know. But how in the world can I take care of all of those feelings? I feel unbalanced and uncentered, and feel lost. I dont know how to get to a good place from here.

  78.  #78MovingMagic on June 11, 2013 at 9:17 am

    While in Half Pigeon at a yoga class last night, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with a thought/feeling…it was both. Like the two were finding a balance with each other. It became a simple understanding that I deserve happiness. Tears rushed down my face as I sat in the realization. For so many years I looked at life as something I would have to muscle my way through. I’ve started shifting that within myself, concluding that if I choose happiness, happiness will also choose me. As I’ve done the inner work I’ve attracted more and more beautiful people, experiences, & situations into my life. In choosing happiness, happiness chooses me…more than that though, I choose myself.

  79.  #79ruth on June 11, 2013 at 9:18 am

    I am just lurking cos I dont know the answer either Elsie

    Sending you a massive hug and much love

  80.  #80Elsie on June 11, 2013 at 9:25 am

    OK – I just went to the restroom to regroup. He will call soon (I know) to walk to this one place, as he does every day, so I wanted to just compose myself.

    In the restroom, I realized, that I dont think that its possible that this man went from spending a week finding me a TV … to buying me a TV … to spending 3 hours chatting on a back porch, to completely not loving me.

    There were a couple of incidents last week where we didnt see eye to eye emotionally …. maybe he has cooled off and chilled and is hanging back now because of that?

    But can a man fall out of love that fast? I think that is what scares me….that that is possible.

    I’m upset and dont know how to handle seeing him in a few minutes.

  81.  #81Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 9:28 am

    The only thought that came to my head was that men compartmentalize.

  82.  #82seahorse on June 11, 2013 at 9:30 am

    49 FW- I am not reading further at this point because I want to say first………… I SO GET THAT! I had that type of situation happen and weighed how I felt and how the energy exchange was going between us. I told the person ‘I don’t have anything to offer you in this friendship right now’, when they came back to ask for help with more stuff. Shopping, wanting to gossip and etc……………………… It was received very quietly by her. I didn’t like being berated for my perceived ‘weakness and inability to make up my mind’. hahahahhaaha! Thats okay too!!! I keep on rolling along no hitch in my stride;) Be the ducks azz….. let it roll off and back into the pond

    …………….. one time she was making fun of a ladies hair do…….. Jokes about 80’s big hair, I said would you please turn around and LOOK at my hair.She did, and turned red faced. What do you think was all big curly and GORGEOUS on my head???? MY BIG HAIR! I paid a fortune to get it like that! I lOVE BIG HAIR! So, I told her I love my hair and I really like that ladies hair. So I went and sat with the other big haired lady…….. Guess who had all the gentlemen around themselves? I do still think of good times with her, and then send out a quick pray all is well for her and her family. Then I let go…………….. and float along;) You are lovely FW and thank you for being here, Love ya bunches

  83.  #83sophie on June 11, 2013 at 9:32 am

    My whole life is about healing my Little Self and NV’s at the moment; with my men, with my work, with my finances, with my health. It’s quite profound. I was in a horrible job and I said one day “I would love to know what my potential could be if I was invested in”. then realised I could invest in myself, constructed a plan and left that job. Now I have work to do by myself mostly writing. The writing is easy but getting the NV’s out of the way in order for the writing to flow takes days and days. I just booked a course and I felt terrified clicking submit; flooded with the fear of not being good enough; desperate to stay small but I clicked anyway.

    Every day I try to stop smoking; I know it keeps me small. The NV’s are too powerful but I keep trying anyway.

    My Nv’s with men are not too strong at the moment theyre focused in other areas ha ha…but they are there ready to pop up and have me gently soothe them.

    Elsie: that feels hard. I don’t like that feeling when I find something out like that and I spin into a whirl of emotions. I remember a man I was with and I would find out one thing after another and wonder why he hadn’t thought of me and how hurt I felt. I was wondering as I read whether he is just doing the single focus thing? To him that trip is for work so it wouldn’t even occur to him to do social things? Just a thought; sometimes they are just on a different page from us…

  84.  #84LittleStar on June 11, 2013 at 9:33 am

    I felt ok last night. But heavy in my belly today every time remembered Every2Weeks man say: “I have a great weekend with you and then after I just think I don’t want to commit to anything cos I like my routine and things as they are…” I wish he’d told me that sooner as I wouldn’t have spent the time with him 🙁 Then to hear him say ” or maybe I need someone whose around a lot more…)
    Well what am I? I feel so furious, ugh! I wish I could find more CDs at present. Part of me doesn’t want to, just wallow in this rejected feeling.
    So many amazing comments and conversations on here that keep resonating with me.

  85.  #85Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Thanks seahorse

    MovingMagic really beautiful words

  86.  #86sophie on June 11, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Moving Magic: I choose myself. Beautiful. That’s what I’ve done too.

  87.  #87sophie on June 11, 2013 at 9:36 am

    FW: men compartmentalize – Yes! that was the first thought I had.

  88.  #88Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 9:37 am

    sophie your thoughts are the same as mine. That man is likely focussed on the city as “work” not romance. They can be so clueless sometimes.

  89.  #89Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 9:40 am

    I am no longer the same woman you abandoned four years ago; I’m not sure you would even recognize me now. You ripped everything from me — my marriage, my trust, my dogs, my money, my home and even my health. I had to rebuild from nothing except the support of family and friends and my desire to make something good come from all of this. It has not been an easy journey and there have been many moments where I thought I would fail. But then I think of you and I keep going. You have become my motivation to do more, achieve more, trust more, love more. Live more.

    I have found a place of forgiveness and acceptance of our past. In fact, I am grateful for you. I’m thankful I had such an amazing and supportive partner for 16 years. You were my best friend. I smile when I think of our teamwork while working on the house or other projects. I’m grateful for your patience teaching me how to slow down and enjoy touch; I still treasure the memory of the hours spent lying astride you with my head on your chest listening to the calming beat of your heart. I’m appreciative of all that you introduced me to — from the comedy of Opie and Anthony to the details of carpentry. I’m thankful that you always made me feel listened to and respected and that you were a husband that I never had reason to complain about. We had a good run.

    And, strangely enough, I’m even grateful that this happened. It has been the most difficult and painful experience of my life, one that I’m still paying for literally and emotionally. But it has also opened up a whole new world for me that I would not have realized otherwise. I faced my biggest fears and survived; I’m no longer bound by uncertainty. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been and I’ve experienced enough to be more grateful for that than I would have been before.


  90.  #90LittleStar on June 11, 2013 at 9:41 am

    But good for me saying: “I slept with you cos you were so attentive it felt great, you were seeing me every weekend, texting me and calling me when you said you would, making a date with me immediately after the last and if felt so solid, and full of promise and I felt so safe with you. Then “poof!” Everything changed and it felt awful and I don’t want to feel that anymore”
    And he was shocked and said “really?”

    Taking care of myself now that I see things clearly ((sigh))

  91.  #91sophie on June 11, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Yes! Well done LittleStar that feels totally self-loving and powerful and completely true to your feelings. I feel inspired.

  92.  #92BeLoved on June 11, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Yessss, this 🙂

    I’m reminded of the Hendricks talking about rhythms of closeness and space in relationship.

    “In every relationship there is a unique rhythm to times of
    needing closeness and times of needing space. One couple’s
    pulsation might have long periods of intimacy and only minutes or
    hours for alone time. Another pair may live in different cities
    because of job situations and get together for intense weekends.
    This activity will give you a sense of what pulsation works best for
    One of the things you may discover first is how enmeshed you
    are with your partner’s pulsation. You may be surprised to find that
    you experience a wave of fear or that you withdraw when your
    partner moves away”


  93.  #93sophie on June 11, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Beloved: or the pulsation is not a good match for you – do you think? I seem to attract men who require less together time than me and I shift to suit them but don’t want to keep doing this…I maybe need to learn when theyre not a good match for me…

  94.  #94seahorse on June 11, 2013 at 9:56 am

    Elsie……………. STOP! Before anything else, put your hands on your low tummy, your center, your beautiful womb……… now breathe through there and concentrate only on the breath coming in and flowing out. Clear your beautiful mind and see all the clouds dissolving away while you breathe deep into your womb…………. gently go over with your mind all your muscles, head to toe, relaxing all on your minds way…………….. no thinking of anything else……only your breathe and muscles relaxing gently so gently all the way……………. give it a couple of minutes and you can do this on the toilet in the bathroom. Go into sweet Elsie and relax. Everything will be easier after that…………. calm and centered sweet lady. Meanwhile, I am sending beautiful warm fuzzy pink blankets at you to wrap you in warmth and security and love………. breathe gently

  95.  #95Andrea on June 11, 2013 at 10:03 am

    “You already know that one of the best things you can do for YOU is to turn off your tapes, and one of the healthiest thing to do for the relationship is to immerse yourself in YOU; taking care of your sacred temple, your body; taking care of your brain and your spirit, your passions; taking care of your heart, your friends and family…”

    This is from Dominque’s blog. # 59

    No matter what my man ever did, this was my main condemnation of him: You don’t take care of me!

    Who am I saying I am?
    A little girl who can’t do it by myself. A little nobody who needs HIM to take care of me. A little… little thing… who CAN’T take care of myself.

    When did I stop taking care of me? When did everything thing and everyone else become more important than my precious soul? My beautiful heart?

    When did what he does, says, is.. become more BIG, LOUD, IMPORTANT.. than how I feel??

    Why do I continue to choose to put myself in situations that make me feel so small, so little, so inconsequential? Why did I continue to be with a man, or with a situation that made me feel so ick and so unimportant?

    Why aren’t I important to me? Why aren’t I the most important to me?

    I feel so curious and inquisitive about this. I feel ready to take care of me again. I feel empowered because what I really feel I need to take care of me right now, is just to be with these feelings, be with these questions, and flesh out energies that are keeping me in this holding pattern.

    I wanted him to take care of me, but I didn’t want to take care of myself. Why not???

  96.  #96seahorse on June 11, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Moving Magic- Weren’t those the best tears you ever cried? I had that happen in yoga too. My first time it was in the car after………….. those were the best tears! So fat and huge! Soaked my shirt and it was so freeing. The second time was in happy baby and and maybe it was the opening of my womb……. i don’t know but, it was more of a gentle cry………. a release of pain and it was lightness and tears. Just lovely. I feel so calm remembering those tears. What a present to myself;) Namaste MM

  97.  #97Andrea on June 11, 2013 at 10:11 am

    @ Elsie.. thank you for being so expressive with both of your posts. I feel triggered by your description of feeling like an actress, who’s worked hard to perfect her role, excited and adrenelane rushed, pumped and ready for the action.. and then told that her part is not needed, that she won’t be performing tonight.

    Wow!! such a visual. I felt triggered by that because amazingly that’s how I always feel in my relationships. Like I’m getting ready for the show, like I’m primed and pumped for my role to be applauded, like I’m always trying to impress not only him but an audience. I was always putting on a show. It feels so strange to realize that now, to realize the drugged up high I would get from his approval of my “show”, and to realize how exhausting it was to always have to play the role, and to realize how frightened, let down, and blamey I got when my role wasn’t applauded, or wasn’t needed, or when he wasn’t impressed, or if anyone ever took over my role….

    Wow.. there is so much to swim in here…..

    Elsie!!!!! I want to hug you, but I’m happy you’re going through this with us and letting us see and grow from your experience. Thank you so much for sharing. AND PLEASE KEEP SHARING!!!!!!

  98.  #98Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Femininewoman – 67 – This work isn’t for the faint of heart. 🙂

    YET is is enormously rewarding and life and love filling and fulfilling.


  99.  #99Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Indigo – 69 – I feel thrilled. 🙂 Thank you for telling me.


  100.  #100seahorse on June 11, 2013 at 10:20 am

    86 FW- I used to think of him to succeed. Then that went away and I now do it because it’s my own motivation. No more thoughts of him. It took a while to get there and I feel proud of where I and LS are. In ways I had no idea. A big part of that was in being here. I started reading here in 2/2011. I didn’t post anything until recently. Thank you for all for being here. I feel sentimental, gratitude, and some tears remembering how far I have come……………………….. just awesome

  101.  #101Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Elsie – 74 – I don’t question that this man loves you. This isn’t the question at all. The question is whether this is the man you want as your “the one”. Whether this is the relationship you want.

    I responded to your email just now. It may help shed some light on this.


  102.  #102Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 10:24 am

    The New York Times review described it this way:

    “Before Midnight” is a wonderful paradox: a movie
    passionately committed to the ideal of imperfection that is itself very close to perfect.

    I highly recommend this movie for anyone who wants to be, or is, in a long-term relationship. Before Midnight allows us to witness the transformative power of courageously staying in the fire of tumult and the weather of all of our emotions in a way that leads to the magic of healing and re-discovering the flames of romance and passion.

    Wishing you love and laughter,

  103.  #103Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Andrea – 92 – This is SO awesome!!!


  104.  #104seahorse on June 11, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Feeeling some stuff……………. clearer now than before. I feel proud that my first thing to is breathe from my womb. Feeling………………… proud. ….and I feel giving to ex. What does that mean????? I feel not ……….. I feel okay. strange……………. I feel relaxed and …….wow. I feel……………….. yep okay. it is what is and all is right with me. ……….. I let go….thats it and everything………I let go. I feel it’s all mine and yessssssssssss…….. I feel good. I like it. I let go of ex and it’s good. No more motivation from that for my success. I feel gratitude for all that was and is and will be………….. okay

  105.  #105Indigo on June 11, 2013 at 10:27 am


    All is not as it seems.

  106.  #106Hana on June 11, 2013 at 10:39 am

    I feel so confused and a bit frustrated. I want to go dancing tonight, I met a new guy, he is so good on the dance floor and we are really in touch, feels good dancing with him. He begged me to come tonight, but I said I was probably not going to make it. I’m just afraid to bump into A, even though I love my Salsa I am not sure if I’m feeling like I’m just not going in order to make him miss me or just afraid of again seeing him and him not saying hello, you know? I’m scared that I am not going because of him, not because of my own needs and that is to go dancing! Why should I stop doing something I love so much, my usual spot, and also miss an opportunity to spend some time with my lovely other dancers….espcially since New guy is so sweet. ANY ADVICE???? I am super conflicted. Help 🙁

  107.  #107Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 10:46 am

    Like anything else in life, learning to trust yourself is a day-to-day practice. It’s on a continuum, and it starts with you shifting the little things in life. Start small, then go big

    Start by keeping your agreements with yourself. Keep your word, keep your commitments… to YOURSELF. What do I mean? If you say you’re going to that 6am spin class at your gym, set your clock for 5:30 and DO IT. GO. NO MATTER WHAT. You say you are going to read that book – read it, all the way to the end. If you say you’re going to start doing a monthly day long juice fast– DO IT. Put it in your calendar like an important appointment with yourself… as if YOU MATTER. Which you do. But you must matter to YOU and take real world action, not just talk, as if you matter…. before you will truly matter to anyone else.

    You see, every time you break your agreement with yourself, you lose a little more confidence and faith in yourself. Your word doesn’t mean much to you anymore. If you don’t follow through, you learn to not trust yourself. You lose integrity and faith in your ability to produce a result.

    Stop undermining your sense of personal power – keep your commitments, starting now.

    On another note, and COMPLETELY related to this topic: be sure not to OVER-COMMIT in your life. Don’t pack your life so tight with commitments (ESPECIALLY to others) that you set yourself up for flaking or for draining yourself so that you burn yourself out or feel resentful. Commitments to yourself and the life you are wanting to create matter WAY more than “hurting someones feelings” or having them be “disappointed”. Learn to say NO when faced with yet another commitment opportunity. You see, even opportunities can be obstacles to you having what you truly want! If you’ve already over-committed in your life, ask yourself now, “what 3 things can I DE-COMMIT from NOW?” and go de-commit from those things. How do you know if you’re on the right path? You will feel a tremendous sense of RELIEF and maybe even sheer, unbr idled joy again in your life! Try it!

    Lara and Johnny Fernandez

  108.  #108Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Hana – what do you feel confused about?

  109.  #109Hana on June 11, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Why I’m thinking so hard about going or not going, just because A may come to the club.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Hana your brain will do that. Just believe that you are not your thoughts.

    When I read your first comments what struck me was someone choosing not to live the life she wants because she is concerned about someone else.

    Counterintuitive: Men have a secret wish for their women to be with other men to take the pressure off them.

    Counterintuitive: A woman living her life is attractive.

    Counterintuitive: A woman happy in her life is magnetic.

  111.  #111Mercedes on June 11, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Same thought went through my head too… “When I read your first comments what struck me was someone choosing not to live the life she wants because she is concerned about someone else.”

    Much Love,

  112.  #112Dominique on June 11, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Hana – 103 – So what if he’s there. Please do not stop doing the things you LOVE because of a what if.


  113.  #113Hana on June 11, 2013 at 11:01 am

    High five! you ladies are right! I am SO going to go, and have the time of my life. I deserve it.

    Thank you all….thank you so much

  114.  #114Veronica on June 11, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Hearing about Elsie’s situation has brought up a series of images and feelings for me that I want to explore further for myself. Elsie – I hope things get resolved for you – hugs to you. I hope I am not offending you or the other sirens by exploring this for myself.

    I find it quite a turn on to be in the same city as my man but not meeting. I imagine having the best fun, being all feminine, using all that juicy energy of ‘possibly running into him’, ‘knowing he’s in the city, like this gorgeous masculine ghostly energy’ and ‘exploring the city in the midst of all this anticipation/tension of meeting or not meeting’. And then when we’re back home I would dress so gorgeously beautiful and share with him (and he with me hopefully) where I was and how I felt and all that energy that was juicing me up those days will become present again. That feels like such a deeply sensual and intimate conversation. Feeling all melty now. My body feels like it’s getting ready for very beautiful and soft kissing.

  115.  #115Daria on June 11, 2013 at 11:49 am

    GOD! this “I feel angry” tool is the SHIT!

    im starting to notice things about myself i didnt… like I thought all my exes where psycho and ‘wrong’ and…

    it turns out IM RUDE!

    like whoa! and its cuz when i get angry i didn’t know how to expres myself to feel honored. and being rude gave me a power charge…

    but saying I feel angry feels, not like a charge, but still like power!

    and I even said it To them now, since Ive ben saying it to myself so much it didnt seem so ordinary…

    and our relationship improved!

    how many moments of love have been neglected because when I felt angry I turned stone and cold and didn’t let energy in… for who knows how long! hours?

    wow wow wow wow wow!

  116.  #116Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 11:52 am

    s. – love to you! If you can afford the ebook – that will clarify everything, and put everything you’re reading here into an organized pattern you can DO!! Love, Rori

  117.  #117Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Limbogirl – Circular Dating is your golden ticket. That and my “Change Everything” Tool – participate here, get the ebook, work with it 24/7, and we’ll help you. Love, Rori

  118.  #118Daria on June 11, 2013 at 11:54 am

    wow Elsie that felt wonderous to read… I think by writing that and looking at yourself with such … honesty (wow I feel like crying to think I could do that)

    you are much more attractive and deep and fantastical than a ‘cool girl’

  119.  #119Daria on June 11, 2013 at 11:55 am

    i am practicing being honest with msyelf. evne when i feel sad or angry about something that i ‘know’ im ‘not supposed to’ or is ‘about him’

    liek “i feel sad he didnt do this or he said that’ … well its not ‘about me’ seemingly . but i feel SAD nonetheless and that is why nonetheless and its OK for me to feel sad

    even tho i know the reason is may past patterns and not what he did

    its ok if i feel SAD about what he did. i can acknowledge that. and then i feel a lil more safe being me

  120.  #120Daria on June 11, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    and that actually comes off as the very very ‘cool girl’ we want 🙂

  121.  #121Daria on June 11, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Veronica – from last thread… i feel glad you found your anger! you did sound like you might have been feeling angry! and… thats AWESOME!

  122.  #122Carue on June 11, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Thank you for sharing. 8)
    It’s sometimes challenging not to internalize his behavior. It’s great to understand that sometimes, it’s not us…it’s something that he has to work through. If I can master that, it will be liberating 8) Thanks again.

  123.  #123Andrea on June 11, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    Oooohhhhh Veronica… I love that!!

  124.  #124Frannie on June 11, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Hi ladies! I need some advice. My boyfriend & I are on a break. We’ve had our issues, and he is back living with his parents. We had a pretty decent “talk” over the weekend…but it was over Facebook messenger. I mentioned that it would have felt nice to have had the conversation in person.

    Anyway, on to my issue – we saw each other yesterday, briefly. I dropped him off at an appointment after having lunch together. I haven’t heard from him since, except one little text. I know I’m probably over-reacting, but I feel like something is off. Just before he got out of the car, I blew up at him. He had been criticizing my driving and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I said it felt bad to be criticized about my driving, and he apologized.

    I want to text him (he rarely answers the phone) that I’m feeling bad, like he’s angry at me or something, and ask if there’s something I should know. I want to word it using Rori’s feeling message, and incorporate the “is there something I should know”. Can anyone help me word my message, or do you all think I should just lean back and not text him?


  125.  #125Indigo on June 11, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    So, as I’ve told all of you I am very much in leaning back mode with D. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the right thing to do.

    I know on a very deep level that he needs the space, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I need the space. This is a healing thing for me, and something I believe in very deeply.

    But it feels very strange and hard today. This is the fourth day of no contact at all, and in nearly three years, it has never been this long. I know this needs to happen. I am doing all this lovely stuff for myself, I have bought Dominique’s e-book, I am trying to date where I can, I am being very caring to myself. How to be ok with this, besides what I am doing?? Do I just push through it, the sense of loneliness and weirdness?

  126.  #126Elsie on June 11, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    OK I love you guys. Seriously.

    I was so scared that I was just getting to a place where I was overrunning the board and being selfish by taking up so much space.

    But after reading all of your comments to me I am nothing short of overwhelmed. That so many of you wrote to me – and that ANYTHING I wrote resonated with some of you – amazing. It makes me feel so good and so happy that I can in any way be some sort of help and give back to anyone even a glimmer of insight to their own situations. So many of you have done so much for me – that I guess by being SO VULNERABLE with all of you – it must have resonated. I have never really written on here like before. I’m glad I now feel safe enough to do that whenever.

    He and I saw each other for a while today. He and I talked for about an hour and a half about life, the weekend, things he had to do – that he was going to help me with getting a new DVD player, etc. (hopefully so we can watch movies haha!)

    I just leaned way back. I didnt say anything about the future, about the trip next week, nothing.

    I’m going to RE-READ all of your messages tonight and really sink into a lot of them.

    I think I just skim the surface of emotions sometimes, and decide quickly how I should feel and then run with it instead of sinking into the feelings. I need to be more in the quicksand of emotion rather than skimming the top of the water like water bugs….

    Thank you all so much again. Words cant convey how much it means to me.

  127.  #127Maxine on June 11, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Feeling really triggered by this post and I realise how far my baby steps have taken me..I remember being in this infancy stage and my “ah-ha!” moment came when I noticed I was looking for ‘me’ in a lot of wrong places…drinking, partying, drugs, wild times basically feeling and acting mad..but I found within these stupid lonely moves the freedom to feel extremes again! So I love my mistakes! My stupidity! I tried to take a short cut to sinking into my feelings..using enhancers..masks..props..and all I should have been doing is exactly what Rori says..sink in and love it all!

  128.  #128Daria on June 11, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    ((((Maxine)))) I totally get it! I was telling my friend the same thing awhile ago…

    it’s not ‘bad’ that we did these things, they got us to FEEL what we wanted to feel! but it was short lived and had a downside… now my babysteps have got me to FEEL that joy and high naturally, and that’s why im not drawn to those addictions anymore

  129.  #129Daria on June 11, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Frannie – I would Absolutely not text him. I feel glad you’re here, to me you’re post is screaming out “lean back”

    telling him it would’ve felt nice to have the conversation in person – great job for using feel! but in the intent seems to make him wrong, and like it’s not enough…

    keep sinking into your feelings… perhaps when you mentioned that you were really feelings disappointed and scared about the future of your relationship? or angry? perhaps you’re often angry…

    and his anger could be a ‘mirror’ to the stuffed anger you’re not expressing (and then blowing up with)

    this is ‘classic’ for women Rori works with 🙂 and it certainly was my case too…

    as Rori says… keep reading everything (I hope you have the book, its $20 and has the biggest impact to start)… and we’ll help you !

  130.  #130Zia on June 11, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Working through a lot of fears lately. Biggest ones relating what I want to do next in my life/career.

    I’ve decided to stop making excuses and listening to the NVs and the “what ifs” and just go for it.

  131.  #131Frannie on June 11, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Daria – thank you for your response, but I’m afraid I don’t understand. What exactly do you mean by “sinking into your feelings”?

    I didn’t text him, but wrote him a short email (that I haven’t sent). In the email I said that I felt triggered by what happened yesterday, and had been feeling weird ever since. I know it’s probably me reading into stuff, but I’m wondering if there is something going on – something I need to know.

    I certainly never meant to make him feel wrong. I was trying to convey that I was glad that we were able to “talk” about things, but that it would have felt nice to have the conversation in person (like normal people do – you know, communicate…lol). Maybe it did come across as me making him feel he was wrong…who knows.

    I think I do feel angry a lot, and wish I knew why. I feel frustrated at the way things have turned out (with him). I also feel upset at the way my life has turned out (in general).

    I do have Rori’s book, and have read it at least twice. I also have the love scripts program, as well as the Heart Connection CDs. Sometimes I feel the opposite of smart because I still don’t get it. I feel like I need an actual teacher/tutor/counselor to help me understand what I’m not getting.

    While I was typing this, he texted to let me know I left my son’s stroller in his garage. 🙁

  132.  #132Daria on June 11, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Frannie – I can relate… I would feel so happy to work with a coach and get ‘there’ so much faster… smh… just the intention of someone to coach me and give me that attention can more than double my own efforts…

    well sinking into feelings means feeling them in your body… kinda let your body melt… like you’re made of candlewax… notice where you feel tense, tell that place you love it, notice the next sensation, keep breathing, keep melting… you’ll notice the feelings and sensations in your body transform… this is very healing… and it’s ‘being in your feelings’ and feminine energy and very attractive to men and love

  133.  #133Daria on June 11, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Frannie – please, don’t send the e-mail. Let him contact you first. This is very important as far as leaning back… reread Rori’s book about Stopping what dosen’t work. This is where to practice… stopping yourself from initiating… feel the feeilngs (likely not good feeling ones! that come up when you STOP being the one who initiates and is in masculine energy)

  134.  #134Daria on June 11, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    Frannie – “(like normal people do – you know, communicate” this is a judgement and its definitely making a man wrong. start noticing and immediately drop all blaming/criticism Now.

    Notice where you’re being sarcastic, when you judge him or think of him as less than, not good enough like ‘normal people’. This is your clue you feel ANGRY.

    This is when many of us go into our heads, judging , running scenarios, judging ourselves, feeling guilty for judging him, etc… Instead, notice you feel angry,

    Ask yourself: What am i angry about? (this is not to dismiiss it as in what am i angry about, theres nothing to be angry about. No. This is so the part of you that Is angry, can get clear with you about what exactly is bothering you)

    maybe, i feel angry that we talked on facebook and not in person.

    then say out loud if you can I feel So Angry

    dont worry about how you sound (sometimes i judge myself as sounding mean, or perhaps, silly)

    Just say it for yourself to hear and embrace

    it will translate into sharing your feelings with your man from a more authentic place. Less blame of him and more actual feelings, and more closeness will happen between you

    As a final note I’d look at how I’m benefitting by looking down on him . Do i get to be the good one or the smart one or the mature one then?

  135.  #135Daria on June 11, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Frannie – since he’s texted you… you’re ready to respond with your feeling message now 🙂

    great job leaning back till he contacted !

  136.  #136Daria on June 11, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    Counterintuitive: Men have a secret wish for their women to be with other men to take the pressure off them.

    interesting, this feels a lil scary … i dont’ want to feel like im pressure

    i look at this as

    “Men have a secret wish for their women to be equally open to be with other men so they can feel the thrill of winning the hot chick that everybody wants – n feel that thrill over and over again”

    (a lot of us women are also addicted to that thrill of getting the guy all the girls want.. but for us it doesn’t work out )

  137.  #137Daria on June 11, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    the thrill of being chosen out of all the guys by the hot chick that everybody wants

  138.  #138Frannie on June 11, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I wasn’t planning on sending the email, I just wrote it to make myself feel better. I’m glad he texted first, even if it was just to tell me I left the stroller. I responded and said thanks, and that I knew I would forget it. I don’t think there will be any more communication between us tonight.

    I feel so bad at all this relationship stuff. I just can’t seem to ever get it right. I am sitting here crying, feeling so angry and frustrated.

    The part about communicating like normal people do was not said to him, that was a snide comment that I made more to myself I guess. I just don’t understand why I keep hooking up with these guys who can’t communicate in person. Everything is over text or email…it feels disappointing that no one wants to have an actual conversation anymore.

    How do I stop being so judgmental? How do I stop feeling so angry? I don’t mean to be looking down on him. Maybe you are right though – maybe I am subconsciously looking down on him to make myself look / feel better. I’ve been really down on myself for a long time. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to keep hating myself for all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.

  139.  #139Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 6:13 pm


    And that, I think, is the sound principle behind the concept of “oneitis.” The purpose of dating isn’t to find the “perfect” man; it’s to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship.

  140.  #140Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    But, even though it goes against everything we learn as women, the path to rekindling a man’s passion and commitment is stopping all the wondering, analyzing, and worrying about why HE acts the way he does and beginning to explore and fully experience your own life in the most powerful ways possible… up to and including beginning to go on casual dates with other men!

    Of course, it may seem illogical – even scary – to consider granting your man’s “secret wish” by experiencing other men


  141.  #141Femininewoman on June 11, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Frannie I would say that at least once, pick up the phone yourself and let one know it feels more personal and easy to you when you speak on the phone rather than texting. Just bear in mind though that some guys hate the phone.

  142.  #142Zia on June 11, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Feeling very moved by all the revelations in the comments of this post

  143.  #143Frannie on June 11, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    We did just have an actual conversation. He messaged me, and I asked him if he had a minute to talk. He messaged again asking “what’s up?”. I didn’t respond right away, so he called.

    I told him how I was feeling and he told me how he was feeling, and now I’m not sure what I feel. I feel really confused. Part of me feels relieved that I got to say how I was feeling, and the other part of me feels that this might really be it…it might really be over (which makes me feel really sad).

    I guess all I can do now is lean way back…not make contact with him at all. Hopefully he will take the lead and contact me and want to see me. If not, I guess I know where I stand. I will try to focus on myself, although I really don’t know how to do that, or what that even means.

    This all feels so hard, and I feel so depressed. I so badly want to feel better. I want to feel happy again.

  144.  #144Erika on June 11, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Hi Lisa,

    Wow can I relate to this. Sometimes the healing journey feels never-ending and like I’m making no progress at all. Yet I know that’s not true because I’ll go back to videos I recorded even just six months ago that had me all upset and crying, and they don’t even feel “true” anymore. I think when you get the magnitude of the healing process that we are doing, both for ourselves and the planet, it’s just so huge huge huge. And then I think the only peaceful place to be is exactly where Rori says – everything is happening the only way it can happen, and ultimately for the highest good of everyone. We get so caught up in “judging” every minute of the journey. It should be this or it should be that. And we don’t even know. It’s too big for us to know.

    (For those who know me, I wanted to clarify that I’m here to share not to coach anyone. Even on my own pages, I found that for the sake of my own sanity, I needed to set a boundary about not coaching unless people actually signed up for sessions or products with me. It felt too overwhelming and didn’t serve anyone, since those who had not signed up were not invested enough to get much out of what I said. *Note the parallel with what Rori teaches about making sure the guy invests – same thing with clients and customers.* So please just take what I say as sharing and not as coaching. I’d rather relax here, sharing freely, and not feel pressure around that issue. Thank you 🙂

    Today was an anger day, and one of my thoughts was “are you F-ing kidding me? more anger? how much of this am I going to have to clear out before I’m really fully healed?” LOL. I was angry about everything. And I was even mad at my cat because he got scared by the construction and wouldn’t eat his food. But if anyone followed what my cat and I went through last year … it’s just impossible for me to stay mad at him anymore more than a few minutes cuz I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude that he’s still here. Reaching past the anger to my connection with him, I realized I was really tired. Tired of being so paranoid to get extra water in his meals. And scared. Scared that if I don’t get everything just perfect, he could get sick again. And tired of the healing journey that never seems to end.

    It felt better though to be in the sad than to stay in the anger, felt more shifting and more true. I feel sad that my romantic illusions have all been stripped away over the past years, sad that I haven’t yet fully created the new path that replaces those illusions. Sad that I feel disconnected from people who I perceive as still living in those illusions. I mean, I had a prestigious job, and I had committed relationships, and I’ve had lots of men who wanted to marry me, and I know full well I would not go back to any of it and that it’s not on the inside what it looks like on the outside.

    But sometimes that gap between where I am and where I know this is all going in my heart feels so HUGE and discouraging. And then I don’t know any place to go other than what Rori said, remembering how many times in the past I thought I “knew” what was best for me, and how much I really didn’t know. And how much I probably still don’t know now.

    The ego part of me keeps still wanting to put my life back into the neat little “boxes” where it thinks that I should be, and everything real in me screams “no I can’t go back there.” A man showed up on my doorstep who looked on paper like my perfect match, and then he tried to “sew me up,” and my heart said “absolutely not, I need to be free.” Free? I thought you wanted commitment. Not if it means imprisonment. Not if it means settling. Not if it means I am feeling like I am suffocating and wanting to escape from the person by whatever means possible.

    And there I see another whole mass of contradictions that must be cleared out for the new path to open. It just feels daunting sometimes.

    So I go get a massage and let someone else handle it for a while. … I can relate to the post.


  145.  #145Limbogirl on June 11, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    Rori, is circular dating applicable to a married woman like me? If my husband who left me because he wanted to be alone and have no confidence about our future just because he hurt me so much before and he doesn’t want to hurt me again in the future, but at the same time he cares about me so much and don’t want to lose me in his life.

  146.  #146Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Limbogirl – Circular Dating isn’t about “dating” – so it’s ALWAYS applicable! It’s therapeutic, not a search for a man. AND when you are actually dating – it keeps you from getting “invested” way too soon. Love, Rori

  147.  #147Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    Frannie – The fastest way to reconnect with a man is to drop ALL discussion of the “relationship,” and instead create a “Poetry” of your life that you are always sharing. It’s not something I can describe or teach in a few sentences here – but it’s a combination of Circular Dating, Being Present, Listening To Everything, Listening to Him, and Loving Yourself. And, of course, all the Tools that go with those things. A man has to be an “add on” – not the basic software. Love, Rori

  148.  #148Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    FW – This is Great: The purpose of dating isn’t to find the “perfect” man; it’s to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Erika on June 11, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    “The fastest way to reconnect with a man is to drop ALL discussion of the ‘relationship,’ and instead create a ‘Poetry’ of your life that you are always sharing.”

    Rori, I love this! Would you say that Circular Dating isn’t really even about men?

    And here’s a question. With this guy that didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, but when it still looked like he was perfect on paper … I actually did LOTS of talking about the relationship. But it was probably what you would call “leaned back” talking about it. I did not want to invest too much in him until I was sure it was a fit so I did a bunch of what they would call in the men’s community “qualifying.” I wasn’t doing it to be manipulative. I just didn’t want to waste my time. If anything I would definitely say it made him more interested. Maybe then it all goes back to what you keep saying about, it’s how we feel inside. I felt inside like I deserve a really amazing relationship and I am not going to settle for less, so the feeling of the conversation was not “are you going to commit to me?” It was “are we sure we are really right for each other because otherwise let’s not do this.”

    I could almost envision how I could have that same conversation with a man I turn out to be really into, because I thought I WAS really into this guy. It would be just not losing that feeling of center.

    BTW if I can share, I also learned such valuable lessons about pressure from this situation. From the instant we actually met in person, I knew it was not going to work though I tried to give it a chance anyway.

    He probably felt me losing interest, but he had already decided that I was his “twin flame.” Now I got to see the danger of this for us women because what I could feel was PRESSURE. It was in subtle things, and I could feel it energetically even when he wasn’t saying or doing anything. A lot of it came down to him not being in touch with his own purpose. So we’d be hanging out in my bedroom, and all his focus was on ME. If I paused to post on Facebook or something, it felt like I was doing something WRONG. Like I should pay attention to HIM.

    I was still focused on my business and my life, and it felt like he had become entirely focused on ME and had nothing else to focus on. This felt absolutely suffocating. It made me want to run. I got to feel EXACTLY how guys must feel when we do this to them, and it felt AWFUL. Then when he misinterpreted something I posted on Facebook as “oh I’ve changed my mind and now I’ve decided that I want to have a relationship with him,” he wrote me a long and very presumptuous email telling me “what took you so long?” and saying how we were now going to have “the relationship of a lifetime.”

    OMG, I could not believe how awful it felt. I felt so unseen. I felt so objectified. I felt so disrespected. And here is a guy offering to give me EVERYTHING, and it felt like NOTHING. I felt disgusted and I just wanted to run away.

    And now I finally really understand how it feels to be in the man’s shoes and why they run. I really, really, really get it. And I see how Rori’s approach fits into this because it’s all about keeping the focus on ourselves. Of course I knew this before, and I’ve been in touch with my purpose for a long time … but I didn’t get it at the VISCERAL level where I get it now. This man’s lack of purpose meant that even when supposedly giving me everything, he can’t give me anything that I actually want. It’s not just a man thing, it’s a human thing. Nobody wants to be with someone who suffocates them. Nobody with any self-esteem wants to be somebody’s life raft. And I surely after building my own business for five years day after day after day do not want ANYBODY coming to latch on to me for dear life when he has not done the same thing.

    I am writing all this because it was such a huge A-HA experience for me, and I bet all of us women would “get” Rori’s approach so much more clearly if we could just stand in those shoes and empathize with how it feels to be put under that much PRESSURE.

    Very grateful for the lesson. I feel so grateful for having this experience. I don’t see myself EVER putting pressure on a man again.

  150.  #150Indigo on June 11, 2013 at 10:48 pm


    I really resonated with this: “Free? I thought you wanted commitment. Not if it means imprisonment. Not if it means settling. Not if it means I am feeling like I am suffocating and wanting to escape from the person by whatever means possible.”

    That’s how I felt with my first husband. And it made no “sense” – he was handsome, successful, intelligent, charming and an extremely affectionate, supportive husband who spoilt and adored me. And yet I felt like I was suffocating, claustrophobic to the point that I felt like my life was being drained away before my very eyes.

    And when I was with D, during the good times, I had never felt so free and alive, and contented in that deep part of me. And it made no “sense” either.

  151.  #151Emerson on June 11, 2013 at 11:00 pm

    I’m still catching up on all your posts hello sirens!!
    Wow lots of good stuff here!

    Daria I know what you mean about the anger… I learned to be sarcastic from mother….

    I used to feel afraid to be “angry” so I would use sarcasm which is a form of deep anger and hostility.

    I hate sarcasm. Actually who pointed it out to me was recycledcd a long time ago and ever since then I’ve stopped … He has helped me grow in some ways…

  152.  #152Erika on June 11, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    Yea Emerson, I totally hear you. When I catch myself resorting to sarcasm, I feel disappointed in myself. It’s usually when I’m feeling really unseen and powerless to be seen. Did you know the word “sarcasm” literally comes from etymology “to rend flesh”? I just learned that the other day. It’s a murdering word.

    Thanks Indigo. Yea not logical “sense.” But I think it does make sense to our hearts. I don’t want a man to make me that much the center of his world, it feels totally suffocating. I want him to have a purpose, and me to have a purpose, and sometimes when it feels right for us to share that purpose. If I’m the center of his world, that puts too much pressure on ME. And it doesn’t feel good at all. It feels BLECH.

    And you know, if I’m honest about it, I felt BLECH too when one of my committed boyfriends would send me huge bouquets of flowers at the office. Yea part of me thought it was romantic, and another part of me felt embarrassed. It felt like overcompensating, like he wasn’t my equal. I’m still puzzling through this stuff myself. Cuz I don’t think that was just “low self-esteem, don’t feel like I deserve it.” I feel like a deeper part of me was responding to it in an authentic way as BLECH. That guy bought an engagement ring for me but I never saw it. I broke it off. I have no regrets about that. It didn’t feel right, and it wasn’t right.

  153.  #153Zia on June 12, 2013 at 12:20 am

    I have this feeling in me… where I am scared to visualise what I want with men, or a specific man, because I’m afraid it won’t come true. And that stems from my “belief” that a man, and a relationship will turn up when you least expect it to.

    But I don’t want to believe this. I want to believe that my visualising the positive and what i want from a man and a relationship WILL come true. This is what I believe from all other aspects of my life but years of I guess habitual thinking has instilled this truth that they only turn up when I least expect it.

    I am wondering, how do I shift that block that feels so solid in me? I want to feel good and positive about visualising what i want from a man and relationship! I am using a lot of Rori’s tools – the water wheel visualisation, those sorts of things. Should I just keep using those tools until my own visualisations start to feel good? This is a really big thing for me.

  154.  #154LoveAlways on June 12, 2013 at 3:42 am

    Good Morning Sirens:

    Can someone please point me in the direction of any of Rori’s posts/articles discussing BETRAYAL?

    Thank you,


  155.  #155Indigo on June 12, 2013 at 3:46 am

    I know what you mean, Erika.

    For me the most wonderful thing a man can do for me, is to allow me, even help me, to self-actualise, not give me romantic gifts. The gifts are a lovely and very welcome addition, if I already feel the freedom to be myself, if I can breathe, sigh, bring and be all of me.

    I too have had the experience of gifts driving me away rather than bringing me closer – here again, it was because the guy was not LISTENING to me, just trying to foist his gifts on me. Sigh.

  156.  #156Indigo on June 12, 2013 at 3:48 am

    I miss D incredibly today. Maybe I will write an e-mail to him and not send it just to get the feelings out 🙁

  157.  #157Veronica on June 12, 2013 at 4:11 am

    Daria – 121 – When you asked me about my anger, it was as if a door opened for me and I could feel it more consciously. I’m afraid of anger because I equate it with violence. BM would say we never fought, and I would tell him I’m too afraid to fight. Anyway, I had a rage day all to myself and it was INTENSE. I was basically whimpering by the end of it. Thank you for noticing.

    Andrea – 123 – : )

    Indigo – 125 – What helped me with those moments during NC time was to do something that would require me to focus on my body – running up a very painful hill helped me during that time. However, I think if I had to go through that time again I would definitely learn to dance – something completely new so that I have to concentrate my mind onto my body. Also, scheduling those lessons for when you would have usually spoken to your partner might help.

  158.  #158Veronica on June 12, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Erika – 149, 152 and Indigo – 150, 155

    Wow thank you for talking about that kind of suffocation. Growing up I remember having a deep suspicion of anyone who suddenly foisted gifts or attention on me, whose progress of the relationship is measured by the giving of gifts. But these were adults and female friends that I would notice this with. Not so with men my age who want to be with me (since it’s usually me wanting to be with them). I do wonder though if I won’t be seduced by the charms of someone who ‘wanted to be with me, who seems like the right person, and who honestly intends the affection he’s giving’. I don’t think I would have been aware of it had you discussed it and I consider myself vulnerable to that. A man’s desire for me is a huge turn on for me but I don’t think it’s fine-tuned to the point where I can differentiate desire for me and desire for a lock-down. I hope there’s more discussion on this. I had to read your comments again and again for me to grasp what the problem was.

  159.  #159Veronica on June 12, 2013 at 4:39 am

    *had you not discussed it here

  160.  #160seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:07 am

    I had dreams and woke up feeling so sad. So I have been crying for a awhile. I don’t know what the dreams were but, I was thinking about the man I was involved with and cried some more. I feel naked and thats good. It’s open and cleaning out deep yucky stuff.

    The suffocating stuff. Yep, I felt that also. Mine felt like a dirty tremendously heavy coat. Evry move watched and smart azz comments on my ‘feeling’……………. His ‘oh! I’m only joking’………. I remember Ellen Degenres comedy routine where she said something along the lines of………… Well, I’m not laughing, so you don’t know how to kid very well……………….. hahahhahaha! I love that line. I used to say it to myself when it was ugly………….. breathing…………… When ex would give me gifts I had come to feel obligated to…………….. conform to standards better. His, not mine. Like a seal barking for sardines………….. That feels weird and sad with a bit of humor…………….. I didn’t want gifts, I wanted to breathe……………….

  161.  #161seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:17 am

    I don’t want to be responsible for somebodys happiness……………. I don’t want that power or job or…………….. I like sharing. I would like to share. Sometimes 50\50……sometimes 70\30……….20\80…….. then back to 50\50…the dance, the balance shifting then balancing then shifting again and we learn the dance………….. Sharing feels good to me. The combo plate………… As we, the imagined partner man for me……. we have a plate that we share, each adding personal items and then we go to the buffet of life and we both giggling and converse over the sumpticious array of items set out for us to choose from……………. oh see there, sky diving…….or over there is snorkeling……………. oh! my favorite..BOOKS! What will be next for us? and then…………… partaking of al that we are together.

    I think I’m hungry and tired from crying……..breathing………… I feel tired from crying. i feel peckish…………… fruit would feel so happy on my tongue……like a WAKE UP! I feel off and strange this morning

  162.  #162seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:21 am

    Big hugs and love out to you Indigo:) and Sweet Veronica too:) and welcome to all new Sirens! And to the ones not posting, just reading……….. Big hugs to you too;)

  163.  #163Hana on June 12, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Wow, this particular thread has been very intense and I’ve learned a lot from u all.

    The club last night:

    I went, looked amazing even though I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. My lovely new dance partner came over and we had a long consecutive run on the dance floor, it was magical. A was acting quite silly and over enthusiastic with this tall girl. I didn’t react, I enjoyed myself and when I felt myself sinking into jealousy later and anger for him pretending I don’t exist, I caught myself, went into my feelings and came out stronger, I felt a stronge surge of pride for myself shower all over me. I started to dance on the spot, felt like a free flowing goddess ( korny but I felt unbelievably powerful, sexy as hell). I felt someone’s hand on my back, when I turned I saw A’s face. I don’t know why but my reaction was just to shimmy away no coldness, just didn’t feel like being close to someone who has been so distant and intentionally cruel (by seeing if I’d get jealous). I continued to dance with another dance partner, I felt better than ever and was starting to really get over his presence. When I was on the way out of the salsa club, I heared someone calling my name- it was him. A started mumbling sorry, I just can’t be the way I was 6 months ago, I don’t know..you look so good, I’m so sorry, ( he was repeating things with an OCD quality), interjecting sorry and how good I looked,(girls I can really see it in his eyes that he loves me still, you can’t hide this) I don’t know again and all I really wanted was to see you to go to the beach.

    I said throughout with a genuine smile, “I’m glad we broke up, I see now it was the right thing. Thank you, and why was he sorry.”. “I feel good now, and that he was right.”. I just agreed with him, and I noticed him shifting from I’m sorry to… “I don’t know”, “I don’t know…Hana if you need something, anything I’m here” (all in a mumble) lol

    I left feeling very strong surrender. I felt a little grief, but it is time to let him go. He will come back, he knows he’s lost me now. And if he doesn’t, then really what do I have to do? Nothing. I want someone who wants me and no one else will do 😉

    I have an awesome date today, so I’m just going to have fun and continue to let A, I must let him go… I don’t feel good about waiting for anyone, not even A.

    What do u ladies think?


  164.  #164Hana on June 12, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Seahorse you are such a ray of sunshine! Hugs to u too!! Xo

  165.  #165Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 5:43 am

    I just want to say that ALL of you ladies, you gorgeous goddesses, are AMAZING. You inspire me so much.

    Sending much love. <3


  166.  #166seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:48 am

    What do I feel about what Miss Hana Siren wrote……………… I feel like I want to go dance with her! And watch how she gets her groove on! Happy! Oh Hana……….. doesn’t it feel good to let go? New and sometimes scary but, open and naked……….and proud of it! It’s me! LOOK at me!!!!??? I like when I have those moments. I think Hana, you did marvelously! You the goddess Hana danced and let go and shined for all to see……………….. And I think A wasn’t the only one to see. I think all who saw you shine got to partake of your loveliness, all around you, an impression was left…….. joy! And it went out to the universe to travel and grow………….. OH YEAH!!!! GO HANA!!!! WOOP WOOP!!!!

  167.  #167seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:51 am

    And there is Dominque with her Glenda wand waving it around with stars and gentleness flowing out like gifts….. Thank you Dominque.

  168.  #168seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 5:52 am

    I feel better:)

  169.  #169Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 5:53 am

    Hana I feel so much joy inside me reading about your night. You come across so strong and inspiring.
    Well done.

  170.  #170Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 5:58 am

    seahorse – 🙂 <3


  171.  #171Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 6:02 am

  172.  #172Veronica on June 12, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Seahorse : ) Lovely warm hugs to you! I’m glad you’re feeling better, you’re such a dear heart.

    Much love to you Dominique. Soon soon soon I’ll be able to get your book – I’ve been waylaid with getting my CV out there and making a good nest for myself. Soon I can live properly.

    Hana – you rocked it! It gives me strength.

  173.  #173BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 6:04 am

    You make me wanna get on a dance floor!!! 🙂

    Elsie – WOW. Just, wow.
    Reading #40, I sat there, mouth open, head nodding, yes, yes yes, I can so relate, yes, wow..
    I felt like I was right there with you, I wished I could have been there to look in your eyes with admiration and encouragement.


  174.  #174Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 6:06 am

    Love Always


    9. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you’re grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

    10. Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. When you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment.

  175.  #175BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Andrea, you, too,…wow, just wow!
    I felt even more inspired by you to keep the “I love you, BeLoved!”‘s on track.
    I have had a habit of continually imagining arguments over and over and over and am becoming even more vigilant of taking control of them, I can make my own characters in my mind do and say what I want, why wouldn’t I give myself what I want?


  176.  #176Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Leaning back IS primarily about establishing a flow of healthy and GOOD FEELING masculine/feminine energy dynamic between you and your man.

    And some of leaning back, an important piece of it, is about YOU taking your focus off of this man and putting it back on you, putting all of your energy into YOU and NOT HIM.

    Energy can be felt, and when you have yours ALL over your man, he can feel this, and it will feel like pressure. It will feel like demands being made on him. It will feel like he can never seem to say or do the right thing with you. It will feel BAD. And he will want to run, maybe as far away from this as he can.


  177.  #177IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 6:24 am

    I have a question. Observations and past experiences have taught me that guys want to test the waters with new women before they break things off with their current woman.

    Super triggering for me.

    Feels sleazy, easy, cop-out.

    I never want to be a woman who engages with a man already in a relationship, “stealing him away” from her, if you will.

    it just feels too icky.

    I feel icky when a man wants something with me while he is still with another woman.

    Men do this, don’t they?

    & does it place you in a higher value in their eyes if you communicate that you will not be with them unless they are single?

  178.  #178LoveAlways on June 12, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Thank you Femininewoman!!!

  179.  #179IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    I feel warm and glowy and hopeful.

    It feels like my heart is on the beach, at sunset, resting.

    It’s shimmering and healing and open and vulnerable.

    & it’s so thankful for everything and everyone.

    it feels so much beauty and gratitude…

  180.  #180IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 6:45 am

    I want to focus on the good feelings, and stop “thinking” about situations that come up, that I will not dwell on.

    It’s old stuff.

    The only old stuff I want is the treasures. Leather bound journals, the swirly black ink of innocence and feeling, pressed lavender flowers, lingering scent of perfume that smells like home…

    that’s the only old stuff I want…

  181.  #181syreena on June 12, 2013 at 6:46 am

    I feel so sad today after experiencing a situation that felt awful and scary last night.
    I felt shaken up but releived to have gotten myself out of it .
    I wanted to emotionally share this experience and got met with the usual indifference.
    Why do I do this to myself?
    All this did was make me feel worse.
    Sadder than ever.
    This isn’t good for me.
    Why aren’t I learning,
    My heart hurts that I got dismissed and treated with indifference.
    It made me feel so uncared for
    I now I am not caring about myself by hoping to be treated differently.
    The thing is I don’t want this person to treat me differently because they have learned to do that from an intelectual place. That is what socioapths do. That is how they learn to make the socially normal response. I want them to do it because they genuinly want to and genuinly feel. see hear and care about the other persons distress.

    I have no control and cannot make another person see, feel, hear. understand and care about another persons distress and authenically show the normal human response.

    Ionly feel able to take care of my own feelings of pain about this.

    I wish things were different, sadly they are not.

  182.  #182BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 6:49 am

    It feels odd to be on the receiving end of a woman’s disconnected energy (is there such a thing?).

    I went out twice with a woman, I liked her okay and didn’t feel any sparks or desire to progress with her. I haven’t talked to her since the last date, over a week, then I got a long text this morning reassuring me that she’s not ignoring me, she’s just been busy.

    I felt surprised..wha?
    I’m reminded of after our first date, she texted me a few days after, she just wanted to be sure I was thinking about her (she said so).

    I imagine this is how men feel when we lean forward, and they aren’t that interested.

  183.  #183Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Our detailed design will be ready today and we can put it out to bid! I’m soooo excited about that part! Knowing that people will actually be in the space building my dream is an amazing feeling! 🙂

    My real hope is to get lots of people in the area meditating together (and practicing yoga together too but the meditation piece is the most exciting for me). J is having the hardest time with the meditation piece of the business. He doesn’t think people will come. I believe they will. I believe people WANT a place to meditate. I believe they WANT guided meditations. I believe they WANT a group to meditate with. I believe people enjoy being around like minded people and that this will provide the space.

    I’m just getting so excited! Flooring and fabric samples coming in the mail. Design ideas coming at us from all directions. People wanting to work with us. It makes me feel so, so happy!

    It has become the carrot I’m dangling in front of my own face. It is my motivation to remove myself from the corporate world. It is my motivation to increase my knowledge and experience with yoga and meditation and wellness. I want to work there full time and that is my motivation for making it successful.

    My dream is coming true and it’s starting to feel a little scary. Exciting yes…but also scary. Loud nasty voices saying things like “what if it fails?”. I guess that’s motivation in itself. Make the success so loud and prominent that the voices cannot be heard above the celebration…

    Much Love,

  184.  #184Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Mercedes – yippeee!!!!! 🙂

    If you build it, they will come

  185.  #185seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 7:11 am

    WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO Mercedes!!!!!!!! I feel very excited for you also:) Like the movie said…………. Build it and they will come……….. 🙂

  186.  #186seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Hahahhahaahahahahahahaha!!!!! FW!!!

  187.  #187BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 7:27 am


    When I lived in Seattle, I had some friends over for dinner once…which evolved into a spontaneous group meditation, which evolved into a weekly Sunday brunch we called “HeartGame” that filled up our entire house – the basement/kitchen/living room/bedrooms/back yard, it was all spilling over with people HUNGRY for other people to meditate with in this group setting…lots of them went on to create their own groups.

    People totally want this.
    I feel so grateful you are creating it!

  188.  #188IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Love it, Mercedes!!!

    I agree with you.

    I believe that there is something inside all of us that LONGS for quiet meditation.

    They have a meditation room at the Atlanta airport and it makes me feel so safe and curious that it is there.

  189.  #189elsie on June 12, 2013 at 7:34 am

    I am in my attorneys office. Waiting. Nervous. Scared. Apprehensive and a little excited. My first meeting about my divorce paperwork…. one stop closer. Just anxious. Thought of you girls. Thought id share. Im really ok totally ok. Stuff with GS stresses me out more than this. But i realized last nite my real true fear in all of my negative voices is that i will be alone. Forever. And that scares me. I know i would be ok alone i just dont want to live the rest of my life alone. Ok my meeting is starting.

  190.  #190Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Ladies: OMGosh! You make me feel so good! 🙂 I am excited and you are feeding it!! YAY!! I love, love, love the support I am getting here!! Such an amazing feeling! Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart!!

    Much Love,

  191.  #191elsie on June 12, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Mercedes!!!!!! Im so stinking excited for yoy!!!! I need a place to relax…. lol i wish your place was closer…..keep updating pictures …..i would love to see the building progress!!!!!

  192.  #192Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Elsie you will never be alone. That is one of the lies of your NVs. At least that is how I think about it in my own life.

  193.  #193Veronica on June 12, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Mercedes – I’m sure that there are a lot of people who share houses, apartments, jobs, responsibilities, families that are so needing a quiet place to just tune into themselves. When I was at university I would go to the church close by and just slow down. Silence is so precious sometimes.

  194.  #194Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Elsie: I will update pictures on the facebook page as things move along. That way, our clients and teachers will all be able to see everything from where we’ve been to where we are now. 🙂

    Veronica: I agree with you so much. I think because J doesn’t meditate as often or as regularly as I do, he can’t visualize it right now. But he’ll get there as things move on. I’m thinking of offering daily early morning, lunchtime, and evening meditations. Consistent times offering people a real opportunity for a regular meditation practice. I know if someone else scheduled it for me, I’d be there. And this shopping center has tons of employees. I’d love to see the employees meditating before work, at lunch and/or after work. That would be AWESOME!!

    Much Love,

  195.  #195Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 8:34 am

    FW: “Elsie you will never be alone. That is one of the lies of your NVs.” – I see it this way too. 🙂

    Much Love,

  196.  #196Andrea on June 12, 2013 at 8:35 am

    Anger!! Reading Chap 7 in Rori’s E.Book sparked this dream:

    ….. “Greg wanted to eat with my daughters and I. I told him we are going to the local food bank for supper. He came with us. At the food bank, some of the other mothers and I were noticing that they would no longer be serving free lunches to the community. The mothers and I were all in discussion trying to figure out what we would do to feed our children if the food bank went dry.
    Greg got mad at me because he had asked to eat with us because he wanted to spend time with me and I was ignoring him and discussing things with other moms.
    So he left me there….. ”

    I woke up this morning and I was so SO ANGRY!!! I felt more anger resounding with in me, like bouncing off the caverns of the Grand Canyon, I hadn’t realized I had that much depth. All filled with Anger.

    The more I sunk into my anger the more anger there was. I was so angry at Greg. In the dream I had wanted him to say, “No woman of mine is going to feed her children at the food bank. Come with me. I will take care of you. Don’t worry about anything like that. I’m here for you.”
    But instead he left me because I was concerned about where my family’s next meal was coming from.

    I was so angry. Angry at Greg. Angry at my parents who both chose to live “religious” lives instead of pursuing regular jobs, or college, and raised my siblings and I in a cult like environment.
    I was angry at my grandparents.. both sets… who left wealthy families to pursue love and spirituality.
    I am SO ANGRY that now I have to sort out all of this stuff about God and Money and Men and try to raise my daughters in a way that they will not be as poor as I am.
    I am SO ANGRY that I have all this psychological hang up about having a regular job and making my own independent financial decisions and my parents think I’m making a mistake if I’m not married and subservient to a husband.
    I am SO ANGRY that it feels like God has abandoned me and left at a food bank to suffer in poverty with my children.
    I feel so abandoned. And it isn’t about Greg at all. I feel so scared that I can’t handle this task of raising my daughters and making sound financial decisions when I’m already so far in debt financially and psychologically.
    I feel so alone in all of this because no one can truly understand where I’m coming from.
    I feel so hopeless.
    And I feel so angry and confused. If God/Parents/Greg say they love me…. then where are they all???

    I feel awkward and exhausted and also enlightened because I did not know that I was holding all of that anger inside of me.
    I was blaming Greg for things that he had no way of understanding. I was hating Greg through out our relationship because subconsciously I had the expectations of him taking care of me like a father would take care of his little girl.

    I’m scared and living with a lot of confusion and fear when it comes to money and survival. And when I get scared that way I feel like a little girl and I want my daddy to come and rescue me.

    Greg saw me as the woman that I am and he was completely confused when I acted like I couldn’t make a decision or take care of myself.

    I feel very so strange and I’m treading on new ground when it comes to my work. I feel like I can’t count on myself. I feel like I am unreliable and I feel weak and like a failure and I feel powerless to attract stability and wealth into my life.

    Somehow I also feel like I’m just getting started with this Anger exploration….

  197.  #197Daria on June 12, 2013 at 8:55 am

    Ladies I have so much that I didn’t share yesterday 🙂

    so I went to meet with Getright who was particularly being nice (the day before yesterday)

    and i felt SO bonded! in a great way. as in i felt him paying attention to me more, but more importantly i felt ME paying attention to me more!

    and i was able to say I feel angry a couple times!

    and I felt ‘got’ and ‘loved’

    and I HAD THE REALIZATION after getting mad and arguing with a mutual friend of ours… I said yo, Getright im MEAN huh?

    and he’s like “it doesn’t bother me” and OMG that felt so good!

    he’s like, you can be rude tho. I know i do that he said but when someone else does it it’s like damn.

    im like omg im RUDE

    like HELLA rude

    like flash switch personality change !


    and then i felt good with getright till the end of the nite i shut down a bit

    and he started talking about other women as he was drunk (way later than he usually starts tho)

    anyway I had huge realizations with myself, and , actually I have never felt that close with Getright like I did that day.

    then yesterday he wanted me to come out again but sounded more agresive (drunk) and I also felt mad that he had did somethng that felt very unsafe behind my back. brought something in my car i said explicitly not to.

    thats something that kinda goes against my rules of who i kcik it with, and its kinda like my gangsta code

    im not sure if i should even really have him at all in my car anytime soon, i would be slippin, and thats something i dont do. thats like calling death and i dont do that.

    Now onwards… today I fell asleep early…

    ANd around 10 pm I have calls and texts from both Dman and Bookie

    Dman is contacting me more now that his relationship is really seemingly ended.

    It feels good.


    and this is what I didn’t share…

    the other daya few days ago… Bookie contacted me

    “D girl”

    and i felt… sad

    and so i finallly wrote back something liek “Bookie I feel sad. I love you and I don’t feel good not being the only woman anymore”

    and he wrote back right away “Cattn” which is like Trippin

    and that felt surprised and bad!

    I wrote back “?? Ouch! :*(”

    and that was that

    I felt relieved I finally expressed myself.

    (Okay I knew something was different… I felt kinda embarassed cuz it actually came out more ‘sappy melodramatic’ sounding by my judgement:

    “I feel scared and sad baby 🙁 🙁 I love you so much (first name) baby and I don’t want to feel the pain of not being the only woman anymore.”

    AAAAH blush i feel embarassed :)) heheh hella melodramatic romantic)

    So I guess 1 day or was it 2? but its gotta be 1 by the calendar later he writes me:

    “you just flashed on me on text one day”

    (So i guesss melodrama could be got by men as flashign!)

    and I wrote back “Flashed? No way boo I didn’t even feel mad. I’m not feeling good in this situation no more tho u kno? I really really like u tho and I love u 🙂 ”

    it just came out easily

    and then he writes “fosho. I love u too d girl”

    so that felt wonderful!

    and then last nite like I said I had a text from him at 11:30

    he wanted me to go over there. (I was sleeping and therefore didn’t respond, I wouldn’t have gone anyway)

    THEN, this morning RIGHT NOW, as I’m checking my phone… I GET

    “U love me? An wanna be my only girl? How will dat work if I ain yo only nigga. I feel like u don fully wanna be mine. But love u too. Lol”

    LOL! wow I feel powerful! this niga sittin there at nite hittin me at nite and then waking up in the morning at 8 texting me aout he feels i don’t fully wanna be his!

    OMG I FEEL delicious thrilled

    (NVS coming in now)

    But now, I don’t know what to do. I’m sure I’ll work it out tho…

    I dont wanna go into explaining…

    I know when we were first dating he got very upset when he found out I was dating other men … and thats when we broke up.

    (whcih i actually hadn’t been! as he was taking up all my time, but I was Open to it, and finally went on one ‘kinda double date’ towards the end when he didnt seem as available)

    He was like you were my only girl and I was only seeing you and youre dating other dudes wtf

    and then later when we reconnected like years later he again brought up that other dudes issue

    and now too. and i see him get triggered when other dudes come up and i seem open to them




    I don’t know how to express myself on this

    im gonna work it out here

    I feel glad he’s thinking about it tho.

  198.  #198Daria on June 12, 2013 at 9:02 am

    i totally want to avoid getting into any kinda ‘energetic power struggle’

    like, digging my heels in type thing

    i want to really be soft and open

    and I feel scared! I actually want to run away from this!


    this feels exciting tho!

    stay w my feelings

    ‘wow baby im feeling excited you’re thinking about this! I’d feel good to start out slowly, like dating… what do you think?”

    but then i won’t be addressing the only man thing… hmmm

    i don’t want to expalin tho

    I felt bad after writing the above. I got an idea that he wont want to do that. he wont get why or where it would lead to

    eh this is too difficult i dont have time for this.


    but maybe im running away by thinking that from actually receiving love

    because this Is a step forward, and im gona run from it,

    whats the difference!

    i dont’ want to shut down. i don’t wan tto get rude or cold or “right”

    oh im so “right” and you suck


  199.  #199Daria on June 12, 2013 at 9:02 am

    i totally want to avoid getting into any kinda ‘energetic power struggle’

    like, digging my heels in type thing

    i want to really be soft and open

    and I feel scared! I actually want to run away from this!


    this feels exciting tho!

    stay w my feelings

    ‘wow baby im feeling excited you’re thinking about this! I’d feel good to start out slowly, like dating… what do you think?”

    but then i won’t be addressing the only man thing… hmmm

    i don’t want to expalin tho

    I felt bad after writing the above. I got an idea that he wont want to do that. he wont get why or where it would lead to

    eh this is too difficult i dont have time for this.


    but maybe im running away by thinking that from actually receiving love

    because this Is a step forward, and im gona run from it,

    whats the difference!

    i dont’ want to shut down. i don’t wan tto get rude or cold or “right”

    oh im so “right” and you suck


  200.  #200Daria on June 12, 2013 at 9:03 am

    did my comment post twice? whoa

    it never does that it says “you already posted that”

  201.  #201Daria on June 12, 2013 at 9:09 am

    in my head im all in his business right now noticing :

    I feel angry!

    he probably slept somehwere not at that girl’s house last nite so thats why the late nite text and why hes free to text me so early this morning about our relationship stuff

    he usually texts me in the morning with something simpler… and hsant texted me late nite in awhile

    oooh i feel mad and shaky in my tissues and pursed lips thinking about thsi!

    I feel like yelling at him!

    YAY ! I can feel 🙂


    im enjoying feeling my feelings


  202.  #202Daria on June 12, 2013 at 9:10 am

    “Watch How He Looks At You Completely Differently When You Use This Tool (You’ll Be Amazed By How Fast It Works)

    If you’ve ever found yourself watching your relationship and your man suddenly get distant, and felt completely caught off guard, up against a wall and almost helpless to get close to him again, I know you can turn this around – right now.

    I know, because I’ve been there.

    I watched my now wonderful husband disappear emotionally and saw everything good in our relationship fade away.

    I remember feeling desperate, frightened, angry and almost completely stupid – because everything I tried either had no effect at all on my situation or backfired on me.

    When I finally figured this out and turned things around – it was as though nothing bad had ever happened. It was as though I woke up, the bad dream was over, and I was in fairy-tale land again.

    And now, just knowing I can turn things around “on a dime” gets me through any bad moment, any rough time, and it seems we get CLOSER day by day – no matter what happens.

    I wish for you the same amazing, almost magical results I got, and I know you can have what you want.”

  203.  #203Erika on June 12, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Indigo, Veronica, and seahorse,

    Thanks for sharing about your experiences with gifts and feeling pressured. For those who don’t know me, one of my main modalities I like to use is EFT tapping. Actually Rori is the one who told me about it. And last year I created some videos that I haven’t talked much about publicly exploring this issue.

    I discovered that even though I thought I “should” have men “chasing” me, I didn’t really want them to chase me. And it was all this fear in part from past experiences of men or people in general “chasing” me. Like they weren’t whole and were trying to get wholeness from me.

    The gifts thing – yea – I feel “over” the romantic gifts for the most part. I would love it if a man helped me with my websites and did things for me that were meaningful to me. That would feel good. And if I’m into him and he travels to come see me, that would feel good.

    Until I explored this, I didn’t realize how much fear and resentment was there that made it feel way “safer” for me to stay “in control” of situations. My real fear was not that they wouldn’t chase me, but that they would. And I’ve found this many times, that my real fear is the opposite of what I think my fear is.

    I like better the image of walking side by side, and the feeling that I’ve had when I’ve shared a purpose with a man (or with people in general, doesn’t have to be a man). I don’t want to be an object of desire. I want to be an equal, a partner, a friend.

    So exploring my negative feelings about being chased and showered with romantic gifts helped me feel more clear about this.


  204.  #204IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 9:43 am

    @195 ((((((((Andrea)))))))

  205.  #205Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 10:11 am

    “turn your palms to your man” – what does this do to the energy flow?

  206.  #206Arachne on June 12, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Ah, so many wonderful comments, so many deep life-situations so little time for me to read and comment on them all! 🙁

    Indigo (#5) – Oh, wow! thank you so much for that quote, it feels so… comforting and empowering! It resonates with me as well! I don’t know if I will need to change my path or not, that still remains to be seen…

    Angela (#17) – Thank you very very much for sharing your experience, it felt good to read it (especially the ultimately positive outcome!)

    And one more idea that I had, seeing the comment by S. about not being able to afford Rori’s programs and e-books. It triggered me – I can afford it now, since I moved and I have a job in a “first world” country, but only a year ago, when I was living in my native country, I couldn’t afford it either. I was just thinking that it would be wonderful if there was the opportunity to gift Rori’s e-book – to pay for it, but have it sent to a friend’s e-mail address instead of yours.

    Or better yet, maybe something like a “suspended e-book” can be implemented – after the model of the “suspended coffee” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caff%C3%A8_sospeso). I would feel very good and warm and fuzzy inside to pay for another copy of the e-book, then have it be sent to another Siren-in-the-making who happens to not be able to afford it. The global economy is so unfair, and the real value of $20 is so different from country to country! Here, it’s a little more than what I pay for one lunch in the work cafeteria, but in my home country, it would have been my lunches for a whole week. So maybe a “pay it forward”/”anonymous gifting” system would work….

  207.  #207Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 10:17 am

    “When YOU become calmer, can speak when you’re feeling unsettled in a way that doesn’t create drama and arguments, can respect your emotions and yet choose your words and actions – THAT’S when things will get better.”

    I believe this was what I kinda did over the weekend with that male friend. In retrospect I was not arguing, I just spoke my truth and then just dropped it. I said softly on the outside “I was feeling overwhelmed” and remained strong on the inside that I was not going to engage in any argument.

  208.  #208Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 10:29 am

    Iamhis – 177 – I have never experienced this. Can you look inside, and see where you might be doing this if only a little?


  209.  #209IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 10:45 am

    @207 Dominique – where I might be doing it?

    I don’t think I’m the one doing it.

    Or maybe I had been, due to my fear of intimacy.

    but I know this happens.

    I watched my friend sit next to her now current HUSBAND as she coaxed him to call his current gf and break things off with her.

    I felt so icky watching it…

  210.  #210IamHis on June 12, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Don’t want to think about that…

    want to think about


    It feels so silky and soft and feminine.

  211.  #211BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 10:52 am


    “I have never experienced this”

    Bwahaha, the tricks of the mind!!
    The first time I read this from you, Dominique, so many thoughts and feelings came up,
    what I heard was, “I haven’t experienced this so there must be something wrong with you/it’s your fault/it’s something bad you are doing because I’m better/more healed/something something better something (lol) and better and more something than you”

    I just read this today, and heard,
    “I haven’t experienced this so I can’t speak from my own experience…”


  212.  #212seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 11:00 am

    206 FW- I love that. I am feeling overwhelmed.

    I will keep and remember that. It feels a perfect fit for some of life. Like the……… I need a minute to let that sink in. I love that one. Feels better than me saying,’Hold please’, like a phone operator…. hehehehehe…pictures of Lily Tomlin going through my head!Laugh In!! hahahaha!

  213.  #213seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I have a question on tapping. On the video link and graph it confused me as to where one actually starts. Is it the karate chop hand place or the top of the head, where you end it with? And I am thinking some really clear and deep breathing would also facilitate great results? Help please………….. Thank you

  214.  #214Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Iamhis – what I meant to ask was, are you testing the man before allowing him in?

    now think about silky cream….


  215.  #215Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 11:13 am

    BeLoved – I love this. The mind is so fascinating. We can trigger ourselves over things where there was nothing negative intended, yet depending on the filter of our triggers in that given moment, we could perceive it as such.

    When it comes to just about anything which feels bad, I often suggest bringing things back to you, to see if you are projecting, or if this person is mirroring you. (I mean the hypothetical you).

    I do with myself all the time, and inevitably there was something going on with me at the time of the trigger having nothing to do with what was at hand.

    And here your mood of the moment changed how you read and thus interpreted what I wrote. 🙂

    So awesome.


  216.  #216seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 11:16 am

    What does mirroring mean? Please, I am feeling curious.

  217.  #217Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 11:23 am

    is your man your mirror?


    your man is displaying characteristics which make you feel confused or annoyed or angry or in despair, have a look within yourself to see if maybe he’s not reflecting a part of you back to you.

    When you find yourself focused on his emotional lacks, have a look at your own emotional lacks, your own areas which still need healing.

    Are they maybe eerily similar to his? IS YOUR MAN YOUR MIRROR?

  218.  #218Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 11:36 am

  219.  #219Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    Looking for advice.

    I”m going on a business trip as I said before. He knows it because I’ve said it to him. I just found out yesterday that for sure he is going to be in the same city – its a VERY small city – not like New York – think Little Rock, Arkansas, etc. LOL.

    OK – so I didnt say anything yesterday – but he must have made travel plans with our office a couple of weeks ago – thats how our office works.

    So – I just heard him on the phone talking about his appointment next week.

    He will be in the city I am in for two days. We so rarely get alone time together.

    What in the world is going on?

    The REAL question is – what do I do? I have today, tomorrow and Friday to “figure out” what to do if anything. What to say….if anything.

    Ultimately he knows I will find out at SOME POINT – either before or after that he is going out of town. And will be right there with me.

    For all I know we could be staying in the same hotel – I have no idea.

    What do I do? Do I say something? If so, what? Do I lean back and not say anything until Friday? If so, what? Do I just not say anything at all and realize that clearly this man does not want to spend any time with me and just accept that?

    I am not the girl that makes up a story in her head just to make things better. in fact I usually err on the side of caution. I expect the worst basically.

    So I’m just saying that so you all know I can “take it” if you say that he doesnt want to be with me anymore.

  220.  #220Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I wonder if anyone could offer me some advice on my current relationship..

    Hmm… I feel very confused…

    For about a week or so I have been seeing this guy Steve and the more I know him the more I like him.

    Anyway, I decided to take the plunge and visit him at home (we talked about it and both felt comfortable about it)

    My only issue is that I realise I didn’t like spending time there. The flat is very basic and dirty and it’s almost like nobody lives there.

    He has a young male tenant living there who sounds like a total alcoholic and apparently he wee’d over the floor in the bathroom.

    Also, his behaviour with the lodger seems wrong. He walked into his bedroom in the morning and opened his window??? I was very shocked by that behaviour.

    I’m just feeling scared now because he has become very attached to me in a short space of time and I am feeling like running for the hills.

    I’m not sure if I am explaining it well here but would appreciate some advice…

  221.  #221Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Elsie: If it were me, I wouldn’t say anything. You already told him you are going to be there. He knows. What would be the point in telling him again? As you said, he’ll know you’re aware that he’s going too. Leave this move in his court if you ask me.

    We don’t know his reasons for not talking about it with you and we might never know. What we do know is that this is a man who isn’t even comfortable putting his arm around you in public because someone from work might see him do it. I can’t imagine this same man would be comfortable having alone time with you on a business trip.

    I’d leave it up to him and when the subject of your trip (or his) comes up because he mentioned it, then you can say “I feel so hurt and shocked because I thought we would take something like that as an opportunity to be together. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen I didn’t even know what to think.” (or something like that).

    The point for me is that he knows where you’re going to be and when you’re going to be there. If he is interested in seeing you there, he would find a way to do it. If he still needs alone time with it, then…once again…you need to decide if that is good enough for you. I don’t think you’ll ever change this man so if it were me, I’d let him lead his life, I’d lead mine and if it works out that we were on the same path, I’d be open to it.

    (but I’d also be circular dating…)

    (just had to put that little plug in there)

    Much Love,

  222.  #222Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I actually think I want to tell him I don’t feel comfortable spending time at his flat but I am worried about “offending” him.

    But why should I worry about that??

    Pfftt… I feel so stressed…

    My lower back is incredibly tight and and can feel tension all over my body and my chest feel sore and tight…

    Hmmm… I don’t know what to do?????

    I almost feel like “ignoring” him and hoping he goes away – then I won’t have to “deal” with this…

    But – I sort of don’t want to either… am feeling very confused…

    Why can’t I have everything !? Grrrr…. I feel confused…

    What is this confusion? Where does it come from?

    Am I scared that I will end up living that way too?

    Am I scared I will accept something I don’t want to accept?

    Hmmm… I feel in shock… I feel a slight pull of emotional blackmail from him…

    I feel he wants me to “rescue” him – and that scares me…

  223.  #223Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Rebecca: I think if it were me, I would tell him I’m not comfortable spending time there and that I’m not comfortable with his flat mate. If he’s offended then he’ll move on. If he’s understanding then you might still have something you can work with.

    Try to keep in mind that most situations are temporary. If you like everything else about this man with the exception of his current living arrangements, maybe see if HE sees it as temporary and get a feel for what he thinks about your feelings on it. If nothing else, you will get to learn a lot more about him and most likely feel a lot less of the confusion you are feeling in the moment.

    Much Love,

  224.  #224Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Hi Mercedes,

    Yes, I think you are right. I sort of pick up a vibe that he is embarrassed by how he lives but is a bit clueless how to change. He is a lovely guy so I think I will try and talk to him.

    I am more worried about offending him because I sense he is also a proud man. He has “bigger ip” his flat and lifestyle to me, and now I realise he’s not really seeing things the way I do.

    But, yes, I know I have to say something. I think the problem is now I have thought about it so much that it now feels like an “issue” with me that I am worrying about…

  225.  #225Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Sorry *”Bigged up”

  226.  #226Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Rebecca: “I think the problem is now I have thought about it so much that it now feels like an “issue” with me that I am worrying about…” – I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how many times this has happened to me! 🙂 It’s so, so common!

    I just think by telling him you’re not comfortable, he’ll get it. Lots of people talk big (especially in the beginning) to make themselves feel good. I don’t think they think ahead far enough to “What if this relationship actually works out?”. I guess he feels safe with you though because even though he is (seems) embarrassed, he allowed you further into his life anyway. That in itself says something.

    I can appreciate someone who isn’t where they want to be an is uncomfortable or embarrassed about it. It’s the people who live like that and see no problem with it that worry me. 🙂

    Much Love,

  227.  #227Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Elsie you seem to be putting too much thought and energy into being with this man. Leave him the space to do. If you keep doing why would he?

    I can’t imagine why I would want to put my free time into seeing him if he didn’t want to see me. There is a whole city to explore and new people to meet and new experiences to garner.

    Some men do love you but just don’t have a good capacity to do relationship. Chase him down to do together stuff from now and you will be doing it 50 years down the road. Is that what you want?

    Alexandra Fox:- “When you spend your days actively trying to get men to love you, then obviously
    every single rejection, defeat, or failure will hurt TERRIBLY.”

  228.  #228Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Thank you Mercedes, it’s nice to know I’m got 🙂

    I will try and talk to him.. hmm, have a feeling he may already know … thinking about it last night he told me he understands far more than I think he does..


  229.  #229seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    Thank you FW. And Thanks to Dominique too! Much food for thought,yes?

  230.  #230seahorse on June 12, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Elsie! Breathe darling siren BREATHE first always! Love ya 🙂

  231.  #231Daria on June 12, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    wow Bookie is getting hella involved in this conversation!


    because I feel like im communicating what i FEEL and I get the feeling that my Flyer is coming towards me!!!

    Im gonna get a great man!!!!

  232.  #232BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 12:47 pm


    If I were in your situation, and decided not to say anything and to focus on me, I know the anxiety of not saying anything and not leaning forward and not trying to control would eat me up – so I would really really prepare myself by having a written plan for what to do when those feelings come up.

  233.  #233Erika on June 12, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Wow a guy living in dumpy surroundings is a deal breaker for me. Though I appreciate that Mercedes sees it as an opportunity to express yourself and learn more about him. I just can’t imagine myself living with any man who doesn’t take care of his space. It feels so …. ewwwwww!

    The mirroring is so valuable. That’s why I’m still feeling so grateful for this “pressure” experience even though it felt disappointing at first. Now I can be more sensitive and aware to when I’m doing the same thing to other people.

    And oh the “talk big” thing. That was another issue here. From stuff he had written, the guy had me expecting a business-pro, multi-millionaire, internet savvy, well-endowed, super powerful presence, and so forth. The real life turnout was very far from the presentation online. It was such a reminder to me to remember always to make sure a man’s words are grounded into physical action before taking it at face value. So he claims to be an expert with SEO? Then where exactly are his high-ranking web pages? So he talks big about seven-figure businesses. And his experience turned out to be in an unrelated industry 10-15 years ago?!?! Did he really think this was going to fly?

    If anything, I didn’t do enough qualifying beforehand. I would feel regret about investing time and energy in something that was going nowhere, but no regrets because I feel my perspective expanded by the experience.


  234.  #234BeLoved on June 12, 2013 at 12:49 pm


    I want to qualify – my fantasy ideal self would do this…
    It’s actually good advice, I want to take it for myself. I used to have a long list of stuff to do when I had food cravings when I was in training, I can do this again… 🙂

  235.  #235Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    BeLoved: “I want to qualify – my fantasy ideal self would do this…
    It’s actually good advice, I want to take it for myself. ”

    haha! LOVE that!!! LOVE it!

    Much Love,

  236.  #236Daria on June 12, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    “One night about ten years ago I was sitting in a parked car with my love interest at the time, having a difficult conversation about our future. (Or rather, lack of it.)
    In the middle of our challenging discussion we heard two gunshots nearby and then a car raced by behind us.

    It was unnerving, but even more so was 15 minutes later when a cop knocked on my passenger window and asked why we were there.

    Since we were doing the opposite of making out, I didn’t know why we were getting hassled. But he went on to ask if we saw or heard any disturbances.

    “Oh, yes!” I exclaimed. Now that you mention it, “we heard gunshots and then a car raced by.”

    “Can you tell us any more?”

    I couldn’t offer any more details – two shots, maybe three. I wasn’t sure. And then a car raced by. I was little help.

    My date, though, who had been silent through the interrogation calmly spoke up to share details about what type of gunshot it was, how many minutes ago the three shots were fired, as well as the make, model and color of the car that raced by afterward. Also, how many people were in the car. And what kind of hat the passenger wore. And what direction they came from and where they headed. He even described their hub caps.

    I was astonished.

    That guy had skills of observation!

    (It was disconcerting to wonder what he was seeing about me that I might have thought went unnoticed.)

    Anyway, when I hear someone talk about skills of observation, I think of that guy. (He was amazing for lots of other reasons, too, I will add.)

    But that’s not the kind of skill Joe Dispenza meant when he said:

    “Our observation has a direct effect on our world. If we keep it (quantum physics) simple, people can get about the business of beginning to practice the skill of observation.”

    The kind of observation skills Joe’s talking about are the kind that come in really handy in deliberate creation world.

    He’s talking about being able to see something other than what is, since reality unfolds according to our conscious focus.

    Which simply means that if I want to experience something that isn’t real yet, I have to find a way of seeing it first.

    I have to VISION it into reality.

    That’s what I practiced last week when a cat fight woke me up at 2 am. It sounded like it came from the front yard.

    I mentally ran through a list of my cats to make sure they were all safely accounted for inside.

    Yeah, that couldn’t have been any of mine – they’re all tucked in safe and sound. I’m sure of it.

    Except, maybe for … I hadn’t actually seen one of my feral cats that day. Is it possible she snuck out while the back door was open yesterday? (Pit bull Joe sometimes lets himself in and doesn’t close the door behind him.)

    I tried to tell myself everything was fine, but couldn’t get back to sleep. So I grabbed a flashlight and went downstairs to see if I could find the cat in question.

    Which I couldn’t. She was nowhere to be found.

    Usually she sleeps right there with Sheba, but Sheba was sleeping all by herself in their bed.

    I searched the rest of the house for the cat in question – no sign whatsoever. (And I checked all the hiding places.)

    She was officially AWOL.

    I went back to bed, but couldn’t sleep because now I was truly worried. If that was her cat fight out front, was she hurt? How would she get back in? (She’s feral, so it’s not her natural instinct to head indoors, assuming she somehow made it out. And catching her wouldn’t happen unless she was seriously injured.)

    Eventually I realized I was visioning this cat AWOL and injured. Not cool.

    I was creating her as “missing” by imagining her so, and by telling the story to myself about what might have happened that led to her escape and subsequent fight in the front yard.

    (These are the not observation habits of a powerful deliberate creator.)

    Once I realized what I was doing, I got my LOA act together and instead practiced seeing her home sweet home, safe and sound, tucked in her comfy bed with her best friend Sheba. I imagined her sleepy eyes lazily blinking at me as I woke her from a nap – clearly all was well here.

    I practiced seeing those circumstances even when that did not appear to be the case.

    To be able to withdraw from the vision I didn’t want to create as reality, and tune into the preferred one – that took skills of observation.

    To see what wasn’t “real” yet. (Oh, there she is!)
    To feel what wasn’t “true.” (Ahhh, she’s home safe and sound.)
    To relax before there was a reason to.
    Each time I felt myself drifting back to worry and concern, I plugged back into the picture of her sleeping in her favorite spot, healthy and happy, safe and sound.

    That’s practicing my skills of observation.

    The next morning I went downstairs and conducted myself like a person who knows that all is well. (And a person who knows that all is well doesn’t have to go downstairs to confirm it – she KNOWS it.) A few hours later when I broke out into “It’s a miracle” song after a cat threw up on the tile instead of the new carpet, I thought with that “miracle” vibe flowing it might be a great time to go wave hello at the safe and sound feral cat in the basement.

    Sure enough, there she was – sleeping right where she wasn’t the night before – blinking her sleepy yellow eyes at me without a care in the world.

    Times like that I’m super glad for my ability to see what isn’t yet confirmed in my reality; to make way for the truth that I prefer.

    Those are observation skills that serve a deliberate creator well.

    (Those who aren’t aware of the power of our consciousness might explain that away by saying “cats hide really well” or “she snuck in when you weren’t looking” or something along those lines. But those who do know that we get what we focus on will realize that my 2 am flashlight search focused me into a reality where the cat was missing, and the new thoughts afterward refocused myself back into a world where she was home sweet home.)

    My question to you is, how are you using YOUR skills of observation these days?

    If you’re good at seeing not enough money, lousy lovers, an uncooperative body, or whatever else you don’t want – it’s time to hone your skills of observation.

    And we do that with awareness and practice.

    Remember that it is within your power to choose what you see, and that what you see is what you get.

    We can manifest an AWOL cat (or money, or lovers, or health or career opportunities) with visions of worry or we can manifest them present and accounted for when we engage different thoughts. What are you observing into reality today?

    For those of you who’d like a tune up, we’re gathering for 8 weeks starting Monday the 17th to grow this LOA skill and others at summer Vibration Boot Camp. (There are a few seats still available if you’d like to join us.)”

    ~~~ from my e-mail from Jannette Maw… she’s an LOA coach and ROCKS!!!

    her blog is here http://goodvibeblog.com/

  237.  #237Rebecca on June 12, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    232: Erika

    Your words sting! But that is probably because they are hitting a raw nerve…

    Yes, I have two ways of seeing it

    1) As a deal breaker and to head for the hills..
    2) To stay and use it as a learning experience…


    I don’t know what to do. I sense that he senses how I feel… Hmmm…. BUT yes, I have huge warning bells. For me it just doesn’t bode well.

    Like, it is telling me he has serious emotional issues. Like he just doesn’t know how to care for himself and possibly never been taught… And that just makes me feel sad…

    I sense his embarrassment but yet I also sense that he is clueless to rectify this and the problem is considerably deep seated…


    Well… I will sit with my feelings and go deep into them and see, what, if anything surfaces..

    It all feels so scary at the moment like I am facing the unknown…

  238.  #238Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Great read Daria.

    What I focus on manifests and grows.

  239.  #239Daria on June 12, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    wow i feel so energetic and high flying! its probably the super wonderful fish and butter oils i just ate… heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    i wish i had some coenzyme Q10 righ tnow that could boost me to do my T-tapp warm up

  240.  #240Daria on June 12, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks FeminineWoman… that woman is a vibe booster!

  241.  #241Daria on June 12, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I wish I could be her relationship coach and she be my LOA coach

  242.  #242Daria on June 12, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    thanks for sharing Erika . I felt inspired to tap on my own fear of being chased

  243.  #243Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    @Mercedes – FW – seahorse – BeLoved –

    This is why I love you girls. So much rich advice. Seriously – and I’m not just buttering you up 🙂

    He came over about an hour ago and we had about an hour conversation. I talked to him about my divorce meeting, and then we talked about some work stuff. The subject of next week never came up. It FELT GOOD to not bring it up.

    Whats the worst thing in the world that would happen? I would go to this city. He would go. He wouldnt contact me. Ok. Whatever. I have always said I only want to be with a guy who wants to be with me.

    By the way – Mercedes as a side note, the reason that our West business trip went so well for two weeks was because no one else was around. So – this would be the PERFECT place for him to put his arm around me – there isnt ANYONE there we know LOL!!!!

    But I digress. – the point is that I only want to be with someone who wants to be with ME. WANTS to be with ME. The end full stop. I am worth that.

    I’m tired. This meeting with the attorney today made me realize I’m TIRED. I’m tired of working so hard and not getting anything back. If I’m alone, at least it will just be me, and I wont have to work so hard for someone else.

    So that VIBE must have come through – that I’m just laid back sitting in the canoe enjoying the sunshine and not touching those d*mn oars. 🙂

    He came over and said – hey I was researching the DVD players for you. (I had asked if he could help.) For the TV he bought me. 🙂 He then said – look I have an extra one at the house, and itsnot a blue ray but you are more than welcome to it and then that way you dont have to go buy one – even a cheap one on craigslist – I’ll just give this one to you!

    So good. It felt so good. And I told him so. I told him how good it felt that it was a little thing, but meant so much to me that he thinks of me like that.

    And it does mean a lot to me.

    He said he could bring it to me tomorrow….

    We had been talking about watching Les Mis or Django the next time he comes out – and I said – oh, you could come out tonight and we could watch it if you bring it.

    Ugh. Why did I say that – I leaned in. He said he might be able to make it – and thats fine, but I noticed such a huge difference between leaning in and leaning back. Leaning back – just accepting the DVD player however it comes to me and Leaning IN – hey do you want to come over.

    But I”m not beating myself up for it – it was a good learning experience as Dominique always says – each thing teaches you something and helps you learn more about yourself and your situation.

    He didnt say he would or wouldnt come over, so we’ll see. He might not, and that will be fine too.

    Again, I really only want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I dont want to have to “plead my case” for anyone.

    It felt good having him at my desk. It felt good talking for an hour. It felt good NOT asking him about the trip. It felt good when he said he had been doing research for me. It felt good when he said he wanted to GIVE me a DVD player.

    It felt bad when I leaned in and invited him over.

    Lesson learned. 🙂

  244.  #244Daria on June 12, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    “The Power of Inner Freedom

    You live in an abundant universe of endless creative possibilities. So the good news is… whatever you desire, you can have.

    The OTHER news is… You can’t have what you want unless you’re free NOT to have it. More precisely: you can only have it to the degree that you’re free not to have it.

    For example, if you want to feel successful as a parent, get free to FAIL as a parent. Why? Because if you’re resisting failure, your mind is focused on what you DON’T want, and whatever you focus on becomes your experience. (That’s the Law of Attraction.)

    As soon as you decide that you’re free to fail, you stop resisting failure, and that frees your mind to focus on creating success.

    The more you feel free to fail, the easier it is to succeed… Go figure! 🙂

    * Share this groove: (Web/Facebook/Twitter)

    ~~ Scott Noelle

  245.  #245Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    #167 – We should totally start calling Dominique “Glenda” because I see her in that ball down waving her wand with fairy pixie dust. 🙂

  246.  #246Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    doing less to get more

  247.  #247Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    Elsie: You sound GREAT! 🙂 Relish all that good feeling stuff. The one bad feeling can go away anytime it’s ready. Those good ones…yeah…focus on those!!

    Much Love,

  248.  #248Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    @Rebecca – I think that this early on and you arent feeling good – that would feel scary to me. He invited you over, so its not as if it was a surprise – he knew what you were going to see and didnt seem bothered by it – that also would be surprising to me. The tenant issue is well….an issue too. I would gently suggest to proceed with caution. If you already feel red flags on week one…..

  249.  #249Erika on June 12, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Thanks Daria. Last year I went really deep into the Shadow Self with all this, and I still haven’t talked much about it publicly because honestly I have felt shame that I “didn’t have it all figured out yet” and “didn’t have the result yet.” Although I did get a lot of results in opening of communication and that just led to more and more issues to clear.

    When I got really honest with myself about why have I not manifested the “fairytale” yet … I realized “hey wait I did manifest that already in my life and it was not what I wanted.” And I realized that a lot of relationships that look “perfect” on the outside are not what I would want to live in, on the inside.

    So I realized for me it is about creating something new, and that feels daunting and sometimes lonely, as I don’t feel as powerful as I’d like to be yet in expressing my vision. And I have sometimes felt overwhelmed by how many “shadows” I came up against so far in this process.

    On the happy side, communication did improve quite a bit, a lot got expressed and heard, and I do feel much more detached and peaceful about a situation that was eating at me.

    I still feel hesitant though to share what I’m doing with anyone beyond a few trusted souls who follow all my stuff. I cleared a lot of shame, and there’s still more to clear about not having the “picture perfect result” yet.

  250.  #250Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    “Why did I say that”?

    Maybe because you are so focussed on strategising to get him to spend time with you? I wonder if it is because deep down you believe he doesn’t want to?

    “Why did I say that”?

    For me it is not easy to seamlessly “switch hats” while on that job. I have to make a conscious choice to do so.

  251.  #251Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    @Mercedes – Trust me that there is NO WAY I would be emotionally where I’m at today without you.

    (and yes, I did see your slip in there to circular date LOL) I’ll probably take your advice at some point – I’m just sooooo not ready emotionally to do that. I know I know you are like a mama bird trying to push me out of the nest. 🙂

    And frankly YOU SOUND GREAT! I am seriously so excited for your space. We all need to relax a little bit and have a calming space….I’m so excited for you!

  252.  #252Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 1:48 pm


    That is *exactly* why I bet I said it. I totally was strategizing on how to get him to spend time with me. And I bet he felt that WAY MORE than you – who just read it on the internet. And I bet its also because deep down I dont believe he wants to…..or WAIT …. even more….that I dont think I DESERVE someone awesome to spend time with me. I bet he felt all of that too.

    Me just receiving from him felt so feminine and awesome. The minute I said that – I felt him tense up and me tense up and the whole vibe shifted.

    THANK YOU THANK YOU – wow. Good stuff for me here today.

  253.  #253Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Rebecca I felt shocked reading your story.

    You decided to sleep over after knowing how for a week? If that is the case I would take the signals from my body that this is going to be painful. I would be asking myself what is it about me that have me wanting to sleep there so soon.

  254.  #254Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    “someone awesome”

    How do I view myself?
    Where is my pedestal in relationship to his?

  255.  #255Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    “I’m just sooooo not ready emotionally to do that.”

    This is such a lie.

    Women are born ready to flirt, to date and to juice out our wonderfulness into the world no matter where we are in life. I believe it is one of the reasons why we can go from one emotion to the next in a split second.

  256.  #256Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    “Like, it is telling me he has serious emotional issues. Like he just doesn’t know how to care for himself and possibly never been taught”…

    Really Rebecca. This might sound harsh but “mirror, mirror”.

    What is the mirror saying to you?

    Is this about what he has been taught or how you have taught him to or not to respect you?

  257.  #257Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    FW – “someone awesome” I just meant him or anyone – not him in particular. I want someone awesome, because I think Im awesome. Its why I’m confused when I feel he doesnt treat me fantastic. 🙂

    “not emotionally ready to do that” Oh I flirt – my friend was just joking about me the other day. I was flirting with two different guys LOL. I can flirt from here to the end of the moon. But to actually start dating and getting my time invested or emotionally invested in someone else is what I’m talking about.

  258.  #258Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Elsie: 🙂 You make me smile! Thank you so much!!

    And I’ll just keep putting that plug in there until you are “ready”. I wish I could show you that being “ready” to open up to the possibilities of other men isn’t hard and that flirting and having a cup of coffee with a man is actually so much fun I can’t imagine needing to somehow get emotionally ready for it. For me, it helped me emotionally…I didn’t have to be emotionally ready. I just had a good time until I found the relationship of my dreams. There really wasn’t any “ready” about it.

    Flirting, smiling, coffee dates, openness, curiosity…it’s all good fun whether you’re ready or not. I think what you’re not “ready” for is losing this man you have in your life right now. And I firmly believe that if he loves you, you WON’T lose him. 🙂

    Okay…I’m done now. Rori’s teachings can take it from here on this subject (for now).

    Much Love,

  259.  #259Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Mirror Mirror to myself:

    I feel he doesnt take care of me emotionally enough. I feel he doesnt listen to my needs sometimes or invest time in me that I would want him to.
    I feel he doesnt make an extra effort to leave his comfort zone to work to make me a priority.

    How interesting.

    I feel I dont take care of myself emotionally.
    I feel I dont listen to my own needs or invest time in me that I need.
    I feel I dont make an extra effort to leave my comfort zone to make myself a priority.

    Wow. Just…..wow.

  260.  #260Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    @Mercedes. I know that its very likely that one day I will look back and say you were right. I can see that I am scared to lose him, but who knows if I even “have” him now?

    Maybe its good I’ll be in this city and he doesnt contact me. I’ll have time at least to finish my divorce paperwork.

  261.  #261Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    “I feel he wants me to “rescue” him”

    One of the big lessons I learned from Christian Carter is that people play roles with each other.

    Slackers will attract rescuers.

    I would guess that he is not embarassed. It is what he is used to attracting to get someone to clean up for him.

    I have seen this so many times. Right now I know of a 50 odd year old who has moved from one woman’s house to the next because he is a tightwad and don’t want to pay rent. He is currently living rent free at his job.

    I saw how he used a vulnerable woman who had been recently separated from a physically abusive husband. Within months she was convinced this guy was in love with her and wanted to marry her. Had him move in after “protecting” her. She acted lovestruck for a while until she started complaining about how cheap he was. She was cooking for him and doing his laundry and he thought it too much to spend a penny on her. He eventually moved in and spent years. In the meantime she grew more and more disgusted about being around him. A couple months ago he moved out but her garage is still packed up with his things.

  262.  #262Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Mercedes is so right. I have one on the dating site call me two nights ago and told me that I look so good he could marry me right away.

    Though it kinda screamed desperation at me and I was tempted to speak up about the ewww feeling I also noticed how lit up and happy I felt just hearing that. I was thinking that yayyy I can attract men no matter who else ignores me so I just basked in that good feeling thought. Plus the guy was chatting at a mile a minute.

    He brought up that his exes were Aries after he found out that I was. Telling me that Aries and Scorpios make good matches. I used the opportunity to say “I feel extremely curious”. When he asked why I was then able to find out why they had become exes and heard a lot about his romantic history.

  263.  #263Erika on June 12, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    “Mirror Mirror to myself:

    I feel he doesnt take care of me emotionally enough. I feel he doesnt listen to my needs sometimes or invest time in me that I would want him to.
    I feel he doesnt make an extra effort to leave his comfort zone to work to make me a priority.

    How interesting.

    I feel I dont take care of myself emotionally.
    I feel I dont listen to my own needs or invest time in me that I need.
    I feel I dont make an extra effort to leave my comfort zone to make myself a priority.

    Wow. Just…..wow.”

    Elsie, this is awesome. Thanks for the honesty. I did the same thing with the recent guy, turned all the stuff I was annoyed about around, saw where I had been doing the same thing to others – noticed that my anger dropped a lot after that.

  264.  #264Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Cdating can remedy our “off” feelings.

  265.  #265Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Elsie – getting my time invested or emotionally invested in someone else”

    This is a belief I would challenge. Dating is for fun during your spare time.

    Time investment sound like heavy lifting work.

    Why do you believe you are dating to invest emotionally? How about allowing men to do that before you consider doing that?

  266.  #266Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    That reminded me of when I was much younger and one guy got angry at me saying I was not taking him seriously. He wanted to take the relationship further longer before the thought even crossed my mind. I was young and living my life.

  267.  #267Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    BTW Elsie did you marry your first love?

  268.  #268Daria on June 12, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    I see you Erika. I feel the awe. I’m here too.

  269.  #269Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    FW – “free time” I’m sorry. Whats that? LOL. THATS exactly WHY I dont circular date. I seriously have no time.

    And no, I didn’t marry my first love by a LOOOONG SHOT. I got married at 30. After many many loves. 🙂

  270.  #270Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    J”ust one kiss from your sweet lips
    Will tell me that your love is real
    And I can feel that it’s true
    We will vow to one another
    There will never be another
    Love for you or for me”

    See how society blackmails us? We make these vows and hold ourselves unconsciously honoring them not realizing what we are doing. No wonder we cling on for dear life.

  271.  #271Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    “getting my time invested or emotionally invested in someone else”

    The time is as much or as little as you want to use to have FUN with. The emotional investment is EXACTLY why dating multiple men at the same time will be so freeing. There won’t BE an emotional investment right now. It’s not about getting emotionally invested. It’s about NOT getting emotionally invested too soon. 🙂 When the time is right, two hearts will invest emotionally in the RIGHT relationship. Not one heart. Two.

    Much Love,

  272.  #272Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    “After many many loves”

    Really? So why can’t you believe now that there are many many more out there?

    “I seriously have no time” – these are the limiting beliefs that keep us trapped in time and life.

    Time? What is that?

  273.  #273Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    I believe it is also one of the reasons men don’t have the opportunity to want more. To feel what it is to be left wanting more.

    We INVEST every free moment we have with the one man that happens to be available. Then expect him to do the same. When he doesn’t, because he has a life, we feel resentful and angry.

  274.  #274Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    FW: “I seriously have no time” – these are the limiting beliefs that keep us trapped in time and life.

    Yup. We all have the same 24 hours.

    Elsie: If you have time for one man, you have time for others. I’m not saying you HAVE to CD. I’m just saying that your reasons for not doing it aren’t holding any water with me right now. 🙂 It would feel much better to me if you would say “I’m not circular dating because I don’t want to”. That’s not limiting. That’s saying you don’t want to. Nothing I can do about what you want or don’t want. But when I hear you limit yourself, I feel very compelled to keep speaking. lol

    Much Love,

  275.  #275Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Just got an email from the Hendricks about creative abundance.

    Oh to believe there is an abundance of men in the world looking for good women like the sirens. When will we truly start putting ourselves out in the world.

  276.  #276Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    @Mercedes – OK – let me clarify. First, I dont want to – that is true. But also, I only have 24 hours in a day, the time that I dont spend with my children, I am working or sleeping. I am completely uninterested in going out to flirt just to flirt or go on dates just to go on dates. I just dont want to take time away from shopping, cleaning, eating, sleeping, or most importantly being with my children.

    Ultimately if GS and I dont work out – I dont know what I’ll do – I’ll probably date a bit – but I cant just make it a priority. I cant see that for me. Maybe someday when my daughter is older, but right now GS and I work well together because our schedules, etc. work well and we have the same priorities with children, etc. I cant imagine trying to “start over” or invest any kind of time (even a 1 hour coffee date has to and from time, etc. a total of 2 hours.) Please. Do you know what I can do with 2 hours? I dont want to “waste” them on someone just so I can flirt and feel pretty. I just dont feel like I need that right now. Maybe someday I will need it but I just seriously cant imagine investing even 2 hours into something like that…..but thats just me.

    GS fits into my schedule when he comes around or when we are together, its because it fits my schedule. We see each other at work and have “work dates” where we talk for an hour or two. We used to chat online at night and dont anymore (I do miss that a bit) but I can do that while I’m folding laundry and cleaning LOL…..and then if he comes over to watch a movie at night – its because the kids are already all asleep. It works right now.

    I’m truly a single parent. Maybe others can find time for it – and it sounds like you did Mercedes…..but I just dont know how.. 🙂

  277.  #277Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    “GS fits into my schedule” – oh my

  278.  #278Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    ” the time that I dont spend with my children, I am working or sleeping. I am completely uninterested in going out to flirt just to flirt or go on dates just to go on dates. I just dont want to take time away from shopping, cleaning, eating, sleeping, or most importantly being with my children.”

    Is it safe for me to add the words “Unless GS wants to spend that time with me? Because then, I want every minute taken away from the shopping, eating, cleaning and sleeping” (I won’t include the children in this…you obviously make them a priority).

    I’ve seen you post about staying up too late to be with GS and missing meals (or even potentially missing meals) and cleaning for him instead of you, etc. I’ve seen you post about taking time away from all of that for a man.

    I’m just saying if you can prioritize GS over these things (and he DOESN’T prioritize YOU over these things. How many times has he said he can’t come over because he “has a lot to do at the house”) then you have time to prioritize someone else over them too. You simply choose not to. Which gives GS a lot of power and a lot of confidence that he “has” you…just the way things are…and that there’s nothing in the world that could change the situation.

    Much Love,

  279.  #279Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Mercedes/Elsie – it seems that he does prioritize *you*. When in his mind, it “fits his schedule”. But that doesn’t seem to be what is wanted.

  280.  #280Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Elsie: ” I dont want to “waste” them on someone just so I can flirt and feel pretty. I just dont feel like I need that right now. Maybe someday I will need it”

    I feel like you do need it. I feel like it would take a lot of pressure off of GS to do it for you.

    You yourself have said you NEED this stuff (feeling pretty and a man – GS – being the one to tell you that you look pretty). I just think it would be easier to get the things you need if you were dating more than just him. ONE will eventually step up and take the time you do have and will give you all those needs. That one may or may not be GS, but right now he has nothing to worry about because he’s the only one in the game.

    But back to “I don’t want to”. I can respect that. 🙂

    Much Love,

  281.  #281Dominique on June 12, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Rebecca – 221 – I totally agree that you need to talk to him, and what Miss M suggested is really good.

    A man’s messy apartment or home is NOT always indicative of anything aside from a messy home. And it doesn’t necessarily carry over into other areas of his life.

    K’s house was, well, a disaster, not gross dirty, but messy, papers piled everywhere, little decor, clothes here and there, and so on.

    He keeps his person VERY clean though, clothes might or might not be rumpled, yet his person is CLEAN. And when we go out, he looks REALLY good.

    And at his work he keeps things in better order.

    He still has messyish tendencies, yet he’s changed so much in this area with no prompting from me at all.


  282.  #282Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    279 reminds me of an email that I received this week. It suggested putting myself on my calendar to do things for me that I need to make me feel happy.

    Is it really wasting time on someone else? Or is the underlying thought really about wasting on me because someone/something else is priority?

    I am asking myself those questions.

  283.  #283Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    FW – GS does fit into my schedule. I have a lot on my plate, and I dont have a lot of free time. The end.

    Mercedes – Ouch. Very hurtful. How you chose to respond to me was unduly harsh and I”m not sure where its coming from except I feel like you dont like that I’m not taking your advice to circular date, and are lashing out at me for that. Many of those words were completely incorrect (TOO late?….no, just late, not “too” late – whatever that means – , and I’ve never missed a meal, and I’ve never cleaned for him INSTEAD of cleaning for me….etc.) and the others were, in my humble opinion, inappropriately abrasive. Thanks I guess for not including my children in your scolding of me. Anyway – I’m going off from here for a while…..because WOW.

    I felt so good earlier and had made such awesome breakthroughs emotionally – not even a couple of hours ago. I’m going to go back to that because frankly, I feel very confused and frustrated at some of the untruths that were portrayed about me here, and feel like I should want to “set the record straight” but just dont care enough to do so.

    I have enough ACTUAL issues without other ones that aren’t true being thrown in, thanks.

  284.  #284Hana on June 12, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Elsie! I hear you loud and clear. You have every right to feel this way. I am also very busy, but I am not engaged nor married, and even though I have fought against cd’ing, I’ve learned the harsh reality that I have the most desperate energy when it is merely on one guy. These lovely sirens are telling u like it is, and if it sounds harsh it is because they love and care about you and they find it helps them tremendously and they believe it would help u in return. Please don’t feel too defensive and try to put some perspective on the full table u are dealing with. Hugs for U xoxo

  285.  #285Erika on June 12, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Thanks Daria, it feels good to be seen.

    It feels good to acknowledge there’s a lot of shame and I’m finding my way through it anyway. Like Rori says, there’s gold in them shame hills. This is all the muck I was avoiding when I was living the “fairytale” jetting all over the world first class having a man buy me clothes and jewelry and flowers. We had a “great sex life” too – yea, we did. And yet even then I knew there was something else and I needed to find out what it was. I’m still finding out. Sometimes it’s maddening how long it’s taking to unravel this one. Yet this is where I am, and like Rori says where else can I really be?

  286.  #286Mercedes on June 12, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Elsie: I think I was misunderstood because I never meant to be scolding at all. All I meant was that time has been taken away from these things (or from whatever…from the 24 hours that these things fill all your time with)…for GS…and that says to me that this same time is available for other men as well. I apologize for the wording. As I said, I never once meant to be hurtful or scolding at all.

    I thought I remembered a post from you where your words were actually “we stayed up way too late just talking” or something like that. It was recent. You were outside talking and he ended up leaving really late I think. You referred to how tired he was the next day. The missing meals was a reference to last week when you were worried that you weren’t going to have time to eat before the show (I realize you ended up having time, but the possibility was there to miss a meal and be with GS). The cleaning was a reference to you cleaning at his place and it took away from these other things that “literally take up all your time” (your words I believe but I could be wrong here too).

    Basically it was these words: ” “free time” I’m sorry. Whats that? LOL. THATS exactly WHY I dont circular date. I seriously have no time.” And some examples to show where you have “made time” to be with GS and that meant you had to put other things on hold. That’s all a GOOD thing when it comes to relationships…I just think it also means the same could be done for other men too.

    It’s not the same to say “I don’t want to” as it is to say “THATS exactly WHY I dont circular date. I seriously have no time.”

    “I have no time” is limiting and is untrue based on your ability to adjust to be with GS (again…I see this as a GOOD thing). “I don’t want to” is freeing and it is doing (or not doing) what you want and as long as it feels good to you then I am not here to try to make you change that. (except that this is Rori’s blog and it is a basic teaching of hers and it is something I believe strongly in so I do put a plug in every now and then for her in the hopes that women here don’t forget about it).

    I have to sign off for the night but will most likely be back tomorrow and can try to explain further. For now, please know in your heart that although my words came across that way, I did not mean them to be hurtful or harsh in any way. I meant them to be a means to opening your eyes to the words you use that limit you (“no time” “take up all my time”, etc) when in reality, it’s not “time” it’s just plain “I don’t want to” – which needs no further explanation.

    Hope that helped a little…

    Much Love,

  287.  #287Hana on June 12, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    Seahorse, Veronica, Beloved and Feminine woman, thank you for hearing me, and of course I am glad that you are all there for me, and that we are here to connect and explore and help each other building strength and courage. FW re -comment 176, it was really powerful for me to be reminded of, glad you wrote that.

    I am feeling really strong and powerful. I had a tennis date with a guy I hadn’t seen in a month, I hurt his pride before, but learned from it, now we’re cool again, he’s very into me, more than I am, but he is fun to be with, very active and has a child. It is difficult for me not to think of A still, I love him, but I’m learning patience. If he comes back, we will have to build a new and fresh relationship. But, I have to focus on today, and right now I have me, my kids, my dates and everything I am grateful for. I’m so much happier since my first google search (how to get your ex back). Stumbled upon Christian Carter who then introduced me to Rori Raye, and now Michael Fiore. I am happy that I’m learning, and that we’re all learning so we can make small changes, hopefully men and women will be happier together in the future building healthier relationships, I would love to see that shift everywhere in the world, the divorce rate is too high ! But, I also do realize that people do change and grow, so…

    On a different note, my ex husband’s girlfriend came crying to me last night, he is abusing her, this woman told me herself “I love him more than I love me” She is aware that she is feeling helpless, she came to me for help, I gave her Rori Raye’s resource, but it is in her hands to make the change, then I left it because she doesn’t have the objective or the strength , and I find it quite triggering for me to talk to her, of course because I have healed and past through all the horrible things he has done to me, and we had gone through together. EEK. However, I do feel prouder than ever of all the work I’ve accomplished in this area, 2 and a half years ago I was just freeing myself of this, the day I left him was the biggest move I have ever made, and I haven’t felt such a relief since then as I had that morning, taking a shower, I felt my whole body, I remember the window by the bathtub, the way the water felt running down, I could feel my skin again, and it was the biggest exhileration to feel my hair down my back and see the sun shining through, a breeze breathing onto my skin, I had never felt freeir in my entire life. And this girlfriend of his came into our picture for a reason, and in the right time, hopefully for me to shine the light onto her, or at least so far as I see it, to remind me of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve done. I’ve never felt younger and more free and beautiful than today.

    PLUS, you guys all rock! and that makes me smile 🙂 LOVE Ya, XO

  288.  #288Erika on June 12, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Nice to hear you feeling so good Hana 🙂

  289.  #289LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    I got a goodnight text from every2week man which was a little poem endin something like “wishing my friend sweet dreams,”
    Friend???? I told him a couple of nights ago I can’t do intimacy on a casual basis, that it felt bad etc.. That every two weeks feels too little …
    It was a little power speech. I’d felt powerful and proud, now I feel small.
    I’ve heard him refer to me as a friend before but didn’t know how to deal with it at the time.
    This feels like FWB this feels like stabbing in my stomach and dry mouth …
    Trying to CD to heal myself of this pattern of men not wanting to spend time with me.

  290.  #290Hana on June 12, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Aww, thank you Erika. How are you feeling??

    AND, I also forgot to mention, that I invite you all to come to the club if you are ever in The T dot, (That’s Toronto btw) Salsa dancing is so much fun. Seahorse it sounds like you are ready girlfriend!

  291.  #291LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Am I being ungrateful ?
    Should I focus on the fact that he sent me a little poem? As a starting point?

  292.  #292Lisa on June 12, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Hi Everyone,, been gone a couple of days.. and wow lots going on here… trying to catch up…

    @Elsie I will miss you if you chose to go off the forum.. I understand being overwhelmed and having more added… Gosh DO I Know! I cry sometimes, like today b/c I just can’t add more on…. {{Hugs}}

    I leaned way back when I went to retreat with “M” for one day.. I’m glad I got to watch him do his thing with his Spirituality and Meditation, it was good info… I also leaned way back… and it was one b/c I wanted to and 2.. b/c I was still in lots of pain…which was good b/c it helped me only care about me! He responded very nicely… but I don’t want to continue that path of having to lean back that far… I want the gap to close…

    I noticed that when I’m in nature and doing things I LOVE to do! and Being ME! I don’t feel like leaning forward or being desperate…

    When I’m doing what he wants to do and feeling like I’m not being ask or taken into consideration, I feel needy more… and clingy…

    That’s good information.

    I noticed that, he moves forward in intimacy and then takes 2 steps back… is that natural?

    I also know that tomorrow is month 5 and he still hasn’t followed through on taking me away for the weekend since date 4… when he said he would … even before he kissed me… I don’t feel good about that and it makes me not trust him… We’ve talked about it and talked about it, and still he says nothing is wrong, but I notice it hasn’t and wasn’t planned.. That feels ikcky!!!

    I noticed that he sleeps on a twin bed at retreat that isn’t comfortable and does it for 7 nights… and doesn’t complain near as much!… hummm but he can’t sleep on my bed but for one night… hummm I guess it is b/c the retreat is something that is important to him….. connected to his spirituality and sleeping at my house isn’t a priority…???? not sure??

    This man keeps telling me I’m the one… and that he wants to build a future with me… but I’m so frustrated that his actions don’t match his words… and that he is dragging this out ( for some reason) that I could just walk away…

    5MOS!… GEEZ! I’ve been frustrated for more than 3 mos. of our relationship..

    I finally found my Rori e-book and I’m re-reading it… but I know she says women are more scared of losing their freedom and independence than men, but I have to say that “M” is a classic case of fear of intimacy…

    OH and before I go! WEB MD June 2013 has a great article that I think you all might find very interesting on Men and emotionally healthy men… a study done… it’s short but very informative about men and how they deal with emotions… I highly recc. it! It mentions that passive aggressiveness is one way men deal with emotions.. ie “M” is being passive / aggressive… my concern is since I’ve lived with a clinical passive / aggressive man…is how to know when the passive / aggressiveness is something that is going to last and cause toxic issues or will pass….

    Love to all <3

  293.  #293Erika on June 12, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Thanks Hana. What is the “feeling word” for “I don’t know” – is it surrender? I feel like I am just sitting in “I don’t know.”

    An emptiness came in when I paid off the last of my debts. Of course I still need money coming in but a lot of the urgency went away, and I didn’t realize until the emptiness came how urgent it had felt before and how much that motivated me in my business. How much that was filling my life.

    Now it feels like a big LULL of “I don’t know.” I don’t know where to go next, what to do with the business next, how I feel about relationships now that I let go my fairytale ideas.

    After the last big energy healing, I got flu-like symptoms which often happens for people, and I feel scratchy in my throat and like resting. I feel relief that a long-time attachment seems to have lost its hold over me, finally, through all this forgiveness work.

    I feel happy my kitty’s eyes are so bright and clear. Happy that I’m here in Tahoe instead of at a job like I used to be. Happy to see the sunlight playing in the trees, and hearing the workmen finish up fixing the hot tub outside. I’m excited to take a soak in it again when it’s ready.

    I feel happy for you that you got to have that moment of sharing the light with your ex’s girlfriend. Seeing we are all in this together. And I feel happy that I am not feeling any need to give anyone here advice. That feels like a relief.

    Thanks for asking 🙂

  294.  #294Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Yayy Hana

  295.  #295Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    LittleStar focus on how you feel

  296.  #296Rori Raye on June 12, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    syreena, I identify with you so much. I treated myself like crap, allowed men to treat me with indifference, and if I could pull myself out of that and have what I have today – I KNOW you can! Love, Rori

  297.  #297LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I feel heavy dragging in my belly pulling everything down into it. I feel panic! I feel explainy. I feel like lead, like I can’t move or drag myself off to bed or write or tidy up the house. I feel sad and teary remembering the happy times we have had, him holding my hand tightly. Mistaking sex for love as always..hot tears and trembly chin.

  298.  #298Hana on June 12, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    Wow, Erika you are so inspiring. Reading your comment made me feel like you should be proud of your accomplishments. You are working on your own business, maybe no money today, but maybe money tomorrow. I wish I was as successful as you today, I am still working on that, after being in the same business for 15 years, I was vice president, now I’m venturing on my own. That is scary.

    I don’t know would be for me like a surrender, but a helpless feeling too. What do you think?

    And I see me in your feelings, I love the collective feminine. It is so amazing to relate.

    Love, Hana

  299.  #299prplpsn28 on June 12, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    162 Seahorse….thanks!

    Haven’t been posting but I have been reading everything and it’s been very informative and helpful. Thanks everyone for sharing. I love this blog 🙂

  300.  #300Hana on June 12, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Littlestar, I hear you. And I am sending a long hug. You know what helps me? Is to have a good cry then to take some action!

    What do you want to do when you’ve had that cry to make a change?


  301.  #301LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Thank you Hana!
    I want to tell him I’m not his friend! That I don’t do FWB! That it feels hurtful and demeaning.
    That’s all I know for now.
    I was to be bright and happy, focused and confident…I want my confidence back!
    Thank you for the long hug. Cried lot of hot angry sad tears.

  302.  #302LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    I want to be bright and happy, that should say
    I want to see him but only for a date. No intimacy on the cards, but I want him to see how good I’m looking (:-D)
    I’ve been exercising regularly and swimming and I’m toning up, not losing weight, just firming. It’s working great and I’m fitting clothes better, I want be warm and sexy and open and vulnerable. And see what happens
    I am CDing btw but such a struggle at the moment, I’m feeling put off easily in the beginning stages, they’re feeling my disinterest and falling by the wayside.
    I’m single mum of two teens and working too, so not huge amount of extra time but trying to stay balanced..

  303.  #303Andrea on June 12, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    Littlestar.. I hear you. I went through something recently. My anger at how he treated me. I thought, “I want to tell him how I won’t be treated like that anymore. I want to tell him that I’m not his second thought, not his convenience girl. I want to tell him that he’s not doing his job in making me feel secure in our relationship.” ladeda…

    Then I realized… wait a second. That’s not what I really feel. Here’s the honesty of what’s going on deep with in me. I feel like I want honesty and integrity from MYSELF.

    So I thought.. ANDREA!!! I really want to tell YOU!!
    Andrea, I won’t be treated like that anymore. Andrea you will not accept treatment like that anymore!! Andrea you will not be someone’s second thought ANYMORE. You will not be a convenience for someone to come around or lead you on at his whim. You will not accept that anymore. Andrea, I want to tell you something… I will not accept that kind of treatment anymore.

    When it all boiled down to it, I didn’t really want to tell him anything. It was me who needed the talking to, not him. Now I look at his texts and shrug my shoulders. Now I see that he’s left me some kind of letter on my windshield of my truck and I just throw it away. Now I know.. I won’t be treated like a nobody anymore.

    If a man wants me, he’ll need to step it up. If he doesn’t… “Andrea, that’s not acceptable anymore.” I’m gonna sit down and have a heart to heart convo with ME. Not him. There are way too many “Hims” out there. Only one of precious me. I’m the one I need to talk to!!!!!

  304.  #304LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    It’s been amazing reading all these comments on this post, I can’t put it down , reading every single one
    So many stories and so much kindness and wisdom. X

  305.  #305Erika on June 12, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    “So I thought.. ANDREA!!! I really want to tell YOU!!
    Andrea, I won’t be treated like that anymore. Andrea you will not accept treatment like that anymore!! Andrea you will not be someone’s second thought ANYMORE. You will not be a convenience for someone to come around or lead you on at his whim. You will not accept that anymore. Andrea, I want to tell you something… I will not accept that kind of treatment anymore.”

    Andrea, I love this. This feels beautiful and inspiring and so true. Thank you.

  306.  #306LittleStar on June 12, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Andrea thank you so much!
    I will indeed do just that.
    There have been so many interchangeable hims and only one valiant, cool, funny LittleStar!
    I have to here and strong for my children, I don’t want to be looking for texts instead of listening to how their day has gone.
    Thank you, I will read that again in the morning and talk to myself.

  307.  #307Lisa on June 12, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    WOW what amazing dialog here! Shew…hard to keep up!

    @Elsie awesome!
    @Erika… yes, I find that to be helpful too! That is why BK The work has been very helpful for me with Rori’s tools…

    Rori’s newsletter hit me hard… about “M” here it is:

    When we’re in boy energy, we feel the need to DO something to make something happen – and that makes us close off our feelings, completely cover up our girl energy and DISCONNECT from ourselves. And the moment we disconnect from ourselves, the relationship gets disconnected.

    How He Responds To Boy Energy

    Boy energy feels to a man like a “protective shield” on your outside. Boy energy feels to him like a cold, hard, emotional defense.

    That cold, hard, defended way of acting can look like stuffing down our feelings, being extra nice and understanding to him, trying to make everything okay by stepping up while he’s slacking off. It’s also Over Functioning , or it can look like attacking him, acting like we don’t care, playing games, stopping trusting him, being emotionally dramatic and mean to him in an underhanded, sideways kind of way.

    I’m all over the place with this one… I feel I should DO! something to get “M” to follow through with plans to go away on a weekend trip. I am sometimes overly nice… or better to say NICE when I’m deep down inside ticked off! I stuff my emotions, b/c for fear he will get overwhelmed by too much work on the relationship and he can’t handle it… ( his words not mine). I sometimes step up when he is slacking off.. though I try not to… by not calling him to ask him what time our date is that night… I don’t do that.. but I do answer the phone and allow him to set the time for the date at 4:30p for the date in 1.5 hrs… which is acting like everything is ok… when it isn’t.

    I’m tired a lot and therefore most likely closed off..and I act like I’m not tired so we can have fun on the date… ( from being a single mom trying to do everything myself… ).

    OMG! so much work to do… and I’m so tired all the time anyways… I know how Elsie feels…

    how to stay in girl mode when you are so tired you can barely function…. uggg!

    Thanks Rori for this timely newsletter!

    Oh but I do have to give myself credit b/c I did act like my back was hurting when it was in front of him and I didn’t act like it was ok.. and I wasn’t hurting.. Big step for me… and I did go take a nap when I needed to… and leave him at the seminar… take care of me! Yay!

    Slackers seek over responsible women… over do’ers… hummm… lots to ponder!

    <3 {{hugs}}

  308.  #308Erika on June 12, 2013 at 6:28 pm


    Yes, this conversation does feel good, huh? I feel like I’m on a raft floating down the river here.

    So I do have a couple of questions, and I bet Rori has a Siren answer if she feels like sharing it.

    1. I’m really still happy with how I handled relationship with guy who seemed like he was going to be perfect and wasn’t right at all. And I did lots of relationship convo with him ahead of time. It was “leaned back” though like I said earlier. And I feel that doing it allowed me to stay in my calm centered “is this really right for me” energy the entire time. It stabilized everything so I was responding every moment from my center. So I’m curious if that fits in with how Rori sees her approach. I initiated quite a bit of that conversation but it was because I did not want to waste my time. And bottom line was that it worked in the sense that it all was my choice. I would do it again. I feel very good about it. I wish I had done that in some earlier relationships.

    2. Speaking of which, I also did a lot of initiating to get peace in a relationship where he had jumped ship. I got a lot of criticism and judgment from others for doing this. Yet tapping opened up the conversation and recently I felt it was finally brought to completion. I finally got to be heard, really heard for the deep core values that were not honored in that whole episode. And as soon as that happened, I dropped down into peace. I have no further urge to initiate anything. Well, I can’t say I regret that either because the peace and completion feels priceless. It’s why I feel like I’m just lazing along on the raft today. Kind of like paying off my debt. Now it’s paid off, it’s like, phew … now I can just be.

    Well, didn’t I cultivate the space where my feminine energy could truly blossom? Yes, I’d say so. And I’ll talk to myself like Andrea did to herself …

    Erika, you haven’t been nearly gentle enough with yourself for following YOUR process and your guidance. Just because almost everyone else thought it was wrong, doesn’t mean it was wrong FOR YOU. And look now, Erika, you don’t have a masculine energy job anymore, you are debt free, you feel complete in your relationships … who is to say that is “wrong”? Who has any right to judge you? It was exactly right for you, and it’s time you start giving yourself some credit and love and acceptance for doing what you needed to do.

  309.  #309Lisa on June 12, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    @Erika… your welcome! <3

    Rori wrote this also in the newsletter:

    This is why I make such a big deal out of staying AWAY from "plan-making" at the beginning of dating. Logistics put you into your boy energy.

    At what point do we start planning some… "M" wants to know why I don't plan some of the dates… Why I don't invite him more… Is that him wanting to be "lazy" I think so.. but also b/c he says he isn't good at planning… but I notice b/c I don't plan… he does sometimes.. and other times he just doesn't do much of anything… I know Rori says go for the experience not the event.. BUT dang! I don't want the warm weather to fade away into cold before I go hiking to a waterfall…

    I know I need to work on staying out of boy mode.. apparently from the newsletter.. and I also want to make me happy and go hiking to a water fall.. and enjoy my summer and my 50th year….

    When is planning ok to do and can it be done in girl mode?


  310.  #310Lisa on June 12, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    @Erika…oops…. I mis-read something… reading too many posts at one time… 😉

    yes, I agree the convo is good and so glad you feel like your rafting down a river what a peaceful place to be!

  311.  #311Erika on June 12, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    No worries, Lisa. Even the mistakes are meant to be. The river’s just rolling along … lol

  312.  #312Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    The Negative Voices are SO LOUD. I took a shower and am trying to relax, but I just keep hearing like a record repeating itself…..he’s going to break up with you……he’s going to break up with you……you waited over a year to sleep with him, and he told you he loved you for over a year, and he said I should feel safe, and not to be scared, and and and and……..he’s going to break up with you……he doesnt want to be with you…..you are too difficult……you are too dramatic……you dont deserve someone that sexy and hot……you dont deserve someone that loved you like he loved you…..keep your stomach tight its in defensive mode…..trying to brace myself for the pain that is coming…….i just feel like…..the negative voices screaming……he’s going to break up with you…….

    ….tonight is not a good night…..I want to go back to the night where he looked at me deeply and told me he loved me…..I want to go back to a week and a half ago when he gave me one of the biggest and most generous surprises of my life……I want to go back to when he said he was in a relationship with me last week……

    I’m raw. I’m scared. I just want to go back 11 days to June 1. That was the best night ever.

    How can something change so much in 11 days? He feels distant now, where he felt so close before. What happened? Is it my imagination? What happened?

    Ugh. I”m miserable. And nauseous. And tired.

    Sorry sirens. Tonight is just not a good night.

  313.  #313Elsie on June 12, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Just got a text from him. He cant make it tonight because his kids dont have camp, so they get to stay up late. They will be up past midnight.

    When he comes out – he usually does so by 10pm because that is after his kids go to sleep etc. He obviously cant do that because his kids will be up until after midnight, etc. since they dont have summer camp this week.

    Ok – first off – VERY nice for him to text me and let me know. He knows I love it when he texts me either way – I had told him this a long time ago and he has almost always followed it – and it is nice that he did that.

    But……its WEDNESDAY. Its the middle of the week. He knew at work today that his kids had no camp this week, so why didnt he just tell me then? Maybe he just flaked it because it was at the end of the day.

    Ok – well, its very nice that he texted me, and his reason is very valid, I cant argue it.

    The negative voices got quiet for a minute when I realized that it was very sweet that he not only texted me, but then texted the reason to let me know WHY.

    But now the NV’s are back – screaming……well, if his kids dont have camp all week, then that means he wont be able to come over for the rest of the week, and next week – WELL NEXT WEEK WHO KNOWS – because next week we are going to both be out of town in the same city – and no words have been spoken about it and….

    …..and I’m a mess tonight. Just move past this post. Dont read anymore. Its just a bunch of negative energy and me venting and venting. More for my sake than anything else.

    Tonight is a bad night.

  314.  #314Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    Lisa do you feel open to being spontaneous?

    Does it not feel romantic when you do the planning?

    Does it feel romantic to be asked out?

    You have to find a way to let him know.

  315.  #315Femininewoman on June 12, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Lisa you can share your dreams about the waterfall and how you imagine it would feel. If you can do this without any agenda or expectations.

    If it was something you did as a kid maybe you could share a passion story about your life. How relaxing it felt. How in touch you felt with nature. How dizzy with excitement you might have felt waiting for the day to come that your family had planned to take you there. How you felt the happiest and most alive standing under the water or canoeing down the falls.

  316.  #316Erika on June 12, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Hi Elsie,

    I feel ya. I’ve had guys do that sort of thing before, and it felt really disrespectful to me. You know this totally got solved in my biz by me setting boundaries. When I was not experienced, people would be interested and then flake out of various things and it drove me absolutely nuts because I had scheduled around them.

    So if you don’t mind, for my own practice, I am going to imagine what I would do in this situation.

    First, I would get clear about my values. My time deserves to be respected. If I am truly okay with spontaneity then I would just let it go. But I know I’m not okay with spontaneity because this has upset me. So I know I need to set a boundary.

    Another value is that I’m not going to be with a man who does not respect my time and investment, so I already make up my mind that I’m willing to let him go if he does not consistently show up as reliable. No different than with potential clients. If they won’t respect my boundaries, I won’t work with them and I don’t work hard to change their mind. I just let them go, trusting God brings another.

    Second, now that my values are clear, I would probably speak up. Many Sirens here might say not to, but I would feel incomplete with the situation if we had plans and he bailed late in the day. I might say something simple like “It’s important to me when anyone makes plans with me that we keep those plans. I absolutely understand that your kids will be up late. Next time, let’s only make plans if we are both sure we can make it.” That’s not ideal because I would have not liked to put myself in this situation in the first place.

    So then my third step is, how can I do this differently next time so this doesn’t happen again? And that’s where the process I went through with this last guy worked so beautifully. As soon as he started showing a lot of interest in me, repeatedly, and then made his move suggesting we get together, I started expressing my values left and right. And aside from the outcome, I love how it all unfolded. All this sort of thing was addressed so clearly ahead of time that there just was zero chance he was going to flake.

    So then back to this guy. And remember, I’m practicing for myself not giving advice. I’m out of advice mode all together.

    Well, he already in my book showed he was not being very aware of my feelings and needs. I’m going to take responsibility because I didn’t set clear enough values at the beginning. Did the same thing in my coaching practice. Can’t be mad at clients who bail at the last minute if you don’t tell them about the 48 hour policy so I just kept clarifying my policies and making sure everyone knew about them. Got my flake rate down to almost zero.

    So with this guy, I would then step back and do absolutely nothing. And the next time he suggested getting together, I would not be too eager about it. I would probably decline several times while expressing my values about respecting each other’s time. If he kept putting energy into it, I’d give him one more chance. And if he flaked again, he’d be a goner. It simply feels too disappointing and too disrespectful to me when someone does not respect my time. I would never put up with it in a client, so why would I put up with it in a man?

    That practice felt really good. I feel more and more like the expressing and clarifying values process at the beginning I did with this guy was super helpful. And I’ll probably do it with every guy now. Why would I be less selective about men than about the clients I take on? It makes no sense.

    Feels like a relief to have this clarity. I’m not sure what Rori would say about it. I don’t feel like I was ever in pursuing mode with that guy. But I was very up front about my values and boundaries and vision, and I did initiate topics of conversation that he did not bring up – because they were VERY important to me, and I did not want to invest the time if I was not clear that he was willing to step up to the plate.

    I guess just look at the results, he kept moving forward. So I must’ve been doing something right. Yippee, I feel a celebration inside 🙂 I found a way that works for me and it feels powerful 🙂

    Well, anyway, sorry for your frustration. I don’t think anyone here sees you as a burden. That’s what we are all here for, to hear your nasty voices without judging you.

    – Erika

  317.  #317Starbright on June 12, 2013 at 9:53 pm


    And, circular dating is not necessarily a “date.” It does keep the super focus though off of a particular guy.

    I have been where you are so to speak. Lots of frustration.

    If you felt more open to receiving attention everywhere you went, each days events perhaps would not feel so important and like such a rejection

    Again, I’ve been there…At least in a place that feels similar to what I have read in your posts.

    And in my situation it was not enough for me. The amount of anxiety and unhappiness that relationship brought me was much bigger than the highs I sometimes got. It didn’t mean he wasn’t a good guy or a nice guy or that he didn’t love me. It just wasn’t enough for me. I want big every day love!!! And now I feel so free.

    Not that that will be or is how your relationship will go. It’s all a learning process.

    I do though hope for you to have peace and big love every day. Yes, yes to daily satisfying big love and peace!

    Hugs to you!

  318.  #318Indigo on June 12, 2013 at 10:50 pm


    I feel concerned about how much power you are giving this guy over your thoughts.

    Maybe I’m particularly concerned because I’ve been there before, and I know how good it feels when you heal from that.

    I would love to see you take a step back to break this pattern of overthinking, over-worrying, and to rather be so calm and secure in what you *want*.

    Hugs hugs hugs

  319.  #319Millie on June 12, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    “You already know that one of the best things you can do for YOU is to turn off your tapes, and one of the healthiest thing to do for the relationship is to immerse yourself in YOU; taking care of your sacred temple, your body; taking care of your brain and your spirit, your passions; taking care of your heart, your friends and family…”

    “Men have a secret wish for their women to be equally open to be with other men so they can feel the thrill of winning the hot chick that everybody wants – n feel that thrill over and over again”

    This is Great: The purpose of dating isn’t to find the “perfect” man; it’s to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship.”

    Just wanted to repost some of my favorite/strong quotes I read today. Letting them sit with me.

    I feel so happy today, so FULL. I love it. I love all parts of me. I watched Silver Linings Playbook last night…and I love the scene where Jennifer Lawrence is yelling at Bradley Cooper in the street-saying that she loves all parts of herself, even the dirty, messy, slutty parts…I can relate to that. It felt so good to hear her say that, even though it was just a movie. It inspired me to truly accept all parts of myself in that moment too. All the dirty, messy, slutty parts of me. That is what makes me ME and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else but lovely ME. 🙂

  320.  #320Erika on June 12, 2013 at 11:41 pm


    Thanks for sharing that. I missed some of those quotes, and I really like the one about the man winning the woman who could have lots of other men. I feel inspired by your happiness.

    Just now I was browsing around and saw a colleague’s success, and a nasty voice came in and said “you see you’ve failed, you’ve fallen behind.”

    So I took a deep breath, got grounded and my powerful voice said:

    “Don’t worry, Erika. You can celebrate her success. Your time is coming, and it’s sooner than you think.”

    Ah, that felt wonderful. And true.

    With that, I may as well enjoy the lull and get some sleep. Good night, Sirens 🙂

  321.  #321Millie on June 12, 2013 at 11:53 pm


    I also enjoyed reading your response to Elsie- where you described how you handled your boundaries with respect to time and compared how you chose men to choosing clients. I am a very work oriented person as well, and often relate job interviews to dating. It is a comparison that works for me. While work and job interviews are seen as primarily boy energy, I feel how my feminine energy works within the fields also. feel clarity when relating my work, which I am successful at and feel confident in, to dating, where I am not so successful at and still wondering about a lot of things. At the end of the day, I’d like to have a balance of feminine and boy in both worlds. Thank you for sharing your story about boundaries, very inspiring!

  322.  #322Erika on June 13, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Ah Millie, your response was so compelling that I felt I simply must respond before going to bed.

    Yes about the helpful parts of work that we can bring into relationships. A big YES. I don’t think it’s true that work is necessarily “boy” energy at all. My biz is very invitation based. I put my pretty self out there, and express my values, and mostly people come and find me. I have standards and boundaries and I only take on what feels good to me. I have a very unscheduled business most of the week, with lots of free time to express myself creatively through the videos. Receiving massage and other bodywork is an integral part of my method. And the videos are both me guiding and me expressing profound emotions at the same time, so a blend of energies. It’s a lot feminine energy though. Also letting the Universe deliver money miracles to me is very much in the receiving end of the spectrum.

    So to me, if we did not bring all that wonderful practice into relationships, especially when that part of our life is working so well, it would just be silly. And that’s essentially what I did with this man. I did what I wished I had done with my ex, which is set all the right boundaries and standards and expectations right up front. And THEN, yes then, I really can relax into my feminine with the man because my feminine feels safe. She knows from experience that she is not going to be hung out to dry when I live my life this way. This man did actually comment on how incredibly feminine I was in person. Well, I was. Because I felt safe. I knew with these standards and boundaries that I was not going to abandon myself.

    For me, this works. It really works. It feels safe without being rigid. It feels clear and stable, and it allows so much space for creativity and expression and freedom without out-of-control volatility. It feels self-loving. So I’m going to keep going with it and see what happens. 🙂

  323.  #323BeLoved on June 13, 2013 at 3:25 am

    Elsie – you have some Big Stuff going on with your divorce. Do you have any emotional support in place while you face this? A therapist, church/prayer group, self-care regimen, anything?

  324.  #324BeLoved on June 13, 2013 at 3:31 am


    I wish I could just scoop you up like a little girl and shower your face in kisses right now.

  325.  #325Zia on June 13, 2013 at 3:52 am

    Elise – I can totally, TOTALLY relate to what is going through your head. I’ve done the same thing over, and over, and over. I wish it was easier for some of us but it just isn’t 🙁

  326.  #326Hana on June 13, 2013 at 4:08 am

    Good morning Beauties!

    Erika, your post before bed was quite intriguing. Sure, I’ve read and studies a bit on boundaries. But, it is something I need work on. Would you be kind enough as to expand on how you personally set your boundaries when you are dating? I would love to read about a real example.

    Love you Sirens! Thanks Erika 🙂

  327.  #327Rebecca on June 13, 2013 at 4:09 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Well I have tried to tell him, in the nicest way possible…
    Now I am waiting for his reaction…

    Am very nervous… Lol.. if he gets angry then probably a sign that he’s not right for me…

  328.  #328Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 4:16 am


    I’m a very spontaneous person, so yes, I’m open to being spontaneous…

    are you referring to him calling me an hour before our date? ( its hard for me to get things done and shower and get ready, if I don’t know what time he will pick me up, but! so far I’ve just went with the flow on it)

    When I do the planning, no it doesn’t feel romantic… he usually complains if I do the date.. I know that Rori says grumbling is good… but no it feels better when he plans something I like to do now and then…

    Yes, it does feel romantic to be ask out…

    Yes, I’m not sure how to let him know since I’ve already communicated it…


  329.  #329Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 4:18 am


    I’ll try and talk about it without any expectations of him asking me to go to waterfall…

    See what happens….



  330.  #330Rebecca on June 13, 2013 at 5:54 am

    253: FemininewomRebecca

    “I felt shocked reading your story.

    You decided to sleep over after knowing how for a week? If that is the case I would take the signals from my body that this is going to be painful. I would be asking myself what is it about me that have me wanting to sleep there so soon.”

    Yes, you are probably right! Gosh, I don’t know what’s going on with me. Confusion?? Not able to forgive myself for past mistakes…. Lol… finding it hard to find any respect for myself, need to dig deep.

    BUT thank you for pointing it back right at me, I needed that.

  331.  #331Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Rebecca did you feel safe with him?

    Also is there something wrong in your place why you could not have him over instead?

  332.  #332Rebecca on June 13, 2013 at 6:27 am

    330: Femininewoman

    Yeah, totally safe with him.

    I’ve spoken to him about it and he’s cool with coming to mine instead…

  333.  #333Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 7:15 am

    LoveAlways I got this from Christine Hassler

    I offer you this step-by-step process to move through betrayal:

    Step One: Just feel it. Yes, you gotta just feel your feelings around it. Betrayal or violated trust can be incredibly jolting. In a sense it can feel traumatic because it catches us totally off guard and threatens the (false) sense of security we project on others. Feel your sadness or anger. Cry, scream, journal, or hit a pillow. Talk to friends who will just listen and hold a loving space rather than engaging in badmouthing or throwing a pity party for you or reach out to a coach or counselor. Do not call or be feeling your feelings with the person who you felt betrayed you.

    Step Two: Take action and deal with physical world reality issues if applicable. Often in a case of betrayal there are things you need to clean up. If you’ve been cheated on, get tested. If you require legal advice, consult a lawyer. Do what you need to do to care for your basic self needs. This is important because when trust issues are up, the little one inside of you needs to see you taking care of yourself. Being proactive creates peace of mind.

    Step Three: Look for the lessons. Challenges are how we learn. Sure they don’t feel so hot but they always turn up the heat in terms of our growth. Be radically courageous through your willingness to see your role in the situation. On the flip side sometimes there isn’t a big lesson reflected back about us. We can be part of other people’s lessons and on some level agreed to serve them in terms of our participation. Our learning in it is simply how we are with ourselves through the process. And there is always an opportunity to practice being more compassionate with yourself!

    Step Four: Move to understanding. The person was truly doing the best they could. I know you may disagree and argue against that truth, but trust me when I say they were doing the best they could with their own inner resources. Everyone is on a different journey, learning different lessons. You don’t have to like or agree with someone’s actions or choices to forgive them. Forgiveness of yourself is also muy importante!! When betrayed, we feel duped, stupid, or like a fool, so forgive yourself and know you were doing the best you could, too!

    Step Five: Give them to God. When feeling betrayed, our righteous, “I’ll show them” voices come up. We fantasize over worst case scenarios that could happen to them that will be redemptive! Resist this temptation because it only creates negative energy inside of you. Their lessons are between them and God and are none of your business.

    Step Six: Bless them. Understand their actions that led to betrayal come from a pain place. Your perceived betrayer is suffering, too. Seeing them from an elevated and compassionate perspective moves you out fear and into love. Bless them and set them free. When the obsessive train leaves the station in your head, imagine the person, bless them and then redirect your thoughts toward your own blessings.

    Finally and perhaps the most importantly, do not close down your heart! Keep that sweet heart of yours open. Choose forgiveness over protection. Please do not form or perpetuate a limiting belief that you cannot trust people. Use this experience of betrayal as a reminder to come back to the ultimate source of trust: Your Higher Power.

    With love,

  334.  #334BeLoved on June 13, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I feel irritated
    I took down my online dating profiles.
    This most recent guy hooked my attention for a minute with a lot of fluffy words, that were pretty generic once I looked at it again….he texted me at 11pm and 9pm.
    No, I am not going to respond to that.
    Boo to that.
    I feel a little defensive, imagining criticism for not using FM’s.
    Feels like…a catch in the throat, apressure in the solar plexus, open mouth and big lion sigh, some sensation in the forehead,
    it’s getting bigger and dispersing ike a cloud.
    Boo yah! to that, I almost typed out a whole defense instead of feeling the defensive feelings 🙂
    time to play dominoes

  335.  #335BeLoved on June 13, 2013 at 7:31 am

    Every time I move through one of these feelings, I think of Lori on Real Housewives of OC (lol).
    Her friend was saying, “Lori, I think you need to lower your standards a little….”
    Lori said, “No, I’m NOT going to lower my standards!”
    and next thing you know, she’s got a billionaire husband who is totally crazy about her, and she’s off the show. Apparently not enough drama in her life anymore to stay on 🙂

  336.  #336Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 8:39 am

    I feel hurt/sad / depressed / angry!

    I just came back for the hospital having a proceedure to find out that my ex… ( who has asperger’s) left my daughter at home alone for 1.5 hrs…

    I’m so over worrying about my relationship with “M” b/c I’m realizing that there is so much more crap than can happen in life that is far more important than worrying about a man staying in my life or not…

    If I had more invested in this relationship for longer it would be different…

    I’m beside myself right now.. that my child was home alone and scared out of her mind to where everyone was and why no one would answer the phone…

    I’m so thankful right now that she is safe!!!! that nothing ELSE in the world matters to me right now!!! OMG! I’m so grateful that my child is safe!!! Tears are coming!!!

    having to deal with a man that has asperger’s and is passive/aggressive is just a load of crap to have to deal with on a daily basis… co parenting…

    I give myself a break from being concerned about “M” being asperger’s and passive / aggressive b/c in all honesty he does have signs… and they are vailid and my negative voices are trying to protect me from ever! having to go through that again!!! I’m thankful for them raising valid concerns and I’m thankful that I’m stepping back and making sure before I get deeper into this relationship.

    If “M” is the right one, he’ll be patient and he’ll some how step up… if not I guess he will fade away…

    I love my child more than life itself…. I love myself and that’s ALL I need…

    <3 Love!

  337.  #337Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Lisa thank God for the experience.

    Inasmuchas you might not see the value now, it really puts into perspective the things that are truly important in life.

  338.  #338Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 9:23 am


  339.  #339Elsie on June 13, 2013 at 9:26 am

    Lisa – How old is your child? I’m so sorry you had to go through this – its terrifying. Perhaps you can use this information and take it to court? If you can get an attorney it might help you get supervised custody etc. with him? Did he say why he left your child alone? How scary – yes, everything in perspective. Huge hugs to you. Terrifying. I’m so glad everyone is safe.

  340.  #340Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Veronica 157

    Thank you. Yes, how right you are! Something involving physical exercise to get into my body, I so believe that. I used to do dancing and I miss the joy of it. I go for a brisk walk every day after work and I find it has just been so immensely valuable, especially for loosening and quietening my mind.

  341.  #341Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Awww thank you for the hugs, seahorse. You’re so cute 🙂

  342.  #342Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Erika 315

    I really agree with your post.

    I really agree with setting gentle boundaries, yet making it about me, not about the other person. For me it is so utterly respectful to myself to say, directly or indirectly, this is what I need in order to spend time with you, to have you in my life. And to let it be the other person’s choice whether they want to be on board or not, no pressure whatsoever.

  343.  #343Jammy85 on June 13, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Hi Rori, Hi Girls….

    I constantly battle with my nasty voice but it is getting easier to turn the volume down on it. However, I REALLY struggle to ignore it when HE voices his nasty voice to me! We both have low self esteem and it doesn’t seem to take much for either of us to turn our nasty voice volume up to the max which normally ends up in amplified war of nasty… Any tips for dealing with this situation?

    Much love xxxx

  344.  #344MS on June 13, 2013 at 10:55 am

    I loved this post about healing and I wanted to share a bit of my story. I broke up with G less than a year ago after a year of being with him. He did what a lot of men seem to do, wanting space and then he just ‘disappeared’. I guess he was never right for me, although I thought at the time I met him it felt so perfect. I took it quite hard and although I never chased him, I could not let go of the relationship completely on the inside, even though I was doing new things for myself, felt happier and told myself I was ready to date again. I’ve been a follower of Rori’s blogs for the last year and tried to put into practice many of the tools, and I did feel lifted and thought my self-esteem and confidence had recovered. I signed up to two dating sites and wasn’t getting too many matches. Then in the last week, there were several things that happened which seemed to be pointing me back to G – a film is about to premiere of a book we both loved, a squirrel came and sat near my car for ages when I wanted to drive away and would not be scared away (it sounds silly I know, but G used to feed the squirrel which would come to my house every day), I found out a lady I met on holiday and became friends with works at the same place as him, his name kept popping up as online on skype the same time as I was (strangely this had not much happened before). I began to think maybe these co-incidences were telling me he wanted to contact me again. But then I had to question myself – he could have called me if he wanted to, and why hadn’t I deleted him from my skype contacts? I spoke to a close friend, who also happens to be a counsellor, and she used some words which really struck home and shook me up. She told me I was ADDICTED to the thought of him, and the reason these signs were coming along now was so I could see that and finally let go in my head. To me addiction is a form of self-harm, and I know I am precious and worthy of love. The thought of being addicted to someone who did not love me back was so distasteful, that I immediately deleted him from my contacts. I breathed a sigh of relief. I think all this time I was undermining myself moving away from him emotionally by leaving little avenues open, when deep inside I knew he could not give me the relationship I want. I feel the space has now opened up to let someone else in. I am posting more messages now on the dating sites and I feel my vibe has changed because I really do want to meet someone who wants to be with me. I hope putting out my experience helps some of you, just as hearing about your experiences has helped me along the way.

  345.  #345Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 11:06 am

    6) Your Closet is Filled With…Identical Clothing
    That same sweater in ten different colors may mean you are scared of change.

    “When a woman has a closet full of a lot of identical clothing – meaning you like that sweater so you get it in ten colors or you only wear black pants or white tops – those women tend to be afraid of commitment or change in work or relationships. Women will often say, ‘It’s because I don’t want to think about it, so that’s why I buy the same thing of everything.’ Yet, whenever I would get the chance to dig a little deeper, I would find that there were these unresolved things around career or relationship. Those are the tw main things where there was an impending change or a desire to change but it wasn’t being fulfilled or a risk wasn’t being taken.”


  346.  #346janie baby on June 13, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Hey loves.
    I’ve been keeping up with the blog, but haven’t posted in a while.
    I’m feeling sad today. My heart hurts.
    My guy who I’ve been with for 2.5 years just asked for a break.
    He is 23 and I’m 22.
    We used to be soo in love and he used to talk about marrying me, but then it became too real.
    Our relationship was going really well, and then a few weeks ago his family came for the weekend to watch him walk in graduation. I know his family and have stayed with them. But I spent the whole weekend with them, even when he had to go to work. His mom and him invited me everywhere with them. She kept bringing up marriage and would say “aww your babies would be so cute.”
    I felt really close after that weekend, but he pulled away. Then a week later he had a talk with me about how he feels like I’ve been getting the wrong idea. He doesn’t want to lead me on but he’s not planning on getting married or making that commitment until his late 20s early 30s. I understood but also felt let down espcially since he used to tell me hwanted to marry me He said he did but doesn’t know where he’s going to law school so he can’t promise me anything.
    Ever since that talk I felt weird and out of balance. I tried to focus on the moment but I felt angry and led on. He could tell something was always wrong. On monday we had another heart to heart and he told me “the best friend in me wants to let you go and the lover in me wants to fight for you. i don’t want to make a promise of commitment til after law school and when i give a ring” i totally understood and appreciate his honesty.

    it just hurt
    it feels like rejection. it feels like an empty hole in my chest. i miss my best friend.

    anyway..tuesday night he slept over and the next morning i was in a bad mood i just told him to leave i didn’t like the way he was taking back his word and saying he couldn’t commit to work his life around me and not ready for a serious relationship. he thinks we got serious too early and wish he met me later.

    anyways the next morning i was in a bad mood. i’ve just had anxiety thinking he can leave whenver after being close for over 3 years and serious for 2.5. now it feels like he’s backing out. i told him to leave. not very sireny but i was so angry and so hurt.

    he left and then texted me saying i was always angry and emotional in the relationship. it was a bit of an exchange i said i might need a week to myself and then he texted me this
    “Well I need to be honest with you and have. I am not ready to be in a serious relationship until I’m older and established. I love you and want you to be part of my life but this is non negotiable. Just as you said, establishing out lives is more of a priority right now than thinking about the future. I think you and me taking a break is a good idea. At least until we can understand each others points. I feel like the anger you feel could be used to harm our great friendship. In preservation of our life long friendship and future relationship as partners, taking a step back to focus on ourselves makes sense. I’m obviously not going to come tonight. Think we need to stay away from each other for a while to figure out somethings. I just don’t to confuse you or feel like your being used.”

    I replied several hours later ‘Ok sure do what you need to do. Just know you are risking losing me. If you don’t care though, great. I do love you but am not gonna stick around in limbo while you see if you want a relationship. We are either together or not.”

    I know my text wasn’t very sireny but I felt it was the authentic truth. I don’t want to pressure him but I don’t want him running back to me after I’ve moved on. I expected him to call me but he hasn’t. He hasn’t called me.

    It hurts. I miss my best friend. It feels like rejection. A stab to the heart. I feel fragile.
    Today I’m going to yoga, rehearsal, drink with friends, and then training for a new job as a bartender. Atleast I’ll keep myself busy…

    I’m at a loss of what to do. I guess now I just wait and see what happens. I can give him a week of space but if he wants more I don’t want to stay together. I don’t see the point.

    What do you sirens think/advise me to do? I can’t help but wonder if his text is an excuse to soften the blow but break up with me. I don’t know 🙁

    Dominique, Mercedes, FW, anyone.. what do you guys suggest? I’m sad 🙁

    sorry for the long post.

  347.  #347Mercedes on June 13, 2013 at 11:27 am

    (((Janie Baby))) I’m so sorry you are hurting. I think you are doing the right thing by taking care of you and doing nothing to try to change the relationship or his mind. Your plans for the evening sound wonderful. This will be very hard, but if he needs a break then there is nothing you can probably “do” to get him to change that. By taking care of yourself though and getting you to a good place within your own heart, then if he really does miss you and need to be with you, when he comes back you will be stronger and ready for him. If you’ve moved on at that time, then no worries, you won’t want him anymore and he’ll have to move on too. If you haven’t then you will be in a place to love without anger and hurt.

    Right now though…this is going to be very hard. 🙁 I remember when something similar happened with J (different but similar in the fact that we were no longer a couple). It was hard, really, really hard to focus on me but I did it. I got myself stronger. I dated a lot. I discovered what I wanted and needed in a man and in a relationship. I set my boundaries and they were true to my heart. When he came back, I wasn’t sure I wanted to try again. He convinced me and slowly, we became a couple again but by the time that happened, I was in a much better place.

    I believe you can do this. I believe you can focus on yourself and heal any areas that need healing. I believe you will find true love. I believe in you.

    The two of you are very young and I’m not surprised he’s not ready to make a commitment. In my experience, men will want commitment at a very young age and then sort of panic and pull away as that time feels like it is nearing. Then later…a little older…they get that desire back. I don’t think he was using you or leading you on. I think he was going through a pretty normal cycle for a man (not all men but many) and he’ll need some space to get to where he wants so much more.

    For now though…I just encourage you to take care of yourself and grow and heal. This is your life outside of any relationship. You get to choose. Please choose YOU.

    My heart goes out to you today…

    Much Love,

  348.  #348janie baby on June 13, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Thanks Mercedes. I feel good and comforted reading your kind words. I feel inspired to just let go. Feels like a warm hug reading your post to me! I’m about to go to yoga <3 I will update later.

    Lots of love! xoxoxoxo

  349.  #349Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 11:47 am

    @Femininewoman Yes, I was very grateful! As soon as I heard.. and yes, it all worked out… part of me is calm and totally fine and part of me is still a nervous wreck…

    I told her (she is 8.5) that she was brave and that she did the right thing… we held each other for a long while and cried…

    He on the other hand got blasted!!!

    @Thanks Elsie and Indigo

    I don’t have money to hire a lawyer… its long story… but part of why things are the way they are is b/c he has asperger’s syndrom… and he only sees her for short periods of time… and this isn’t all he has done.. he has left her in the house with a frying pan on hi on the stove while he moves the yard.. there are lots of stories about the last 8 years…

    I’ve realy worked on myself hard to pull myself out of the emotional abuse I got when I was with him…

    I guess this is why…. I’m so paying attention with “M” or anyother man I’m with… I DO not want to get into another toxic relationship…

    Yes, I’m always grateful for what I have and how blessed I am with my 2 girls… and I tell people I love, that I love them and appreciate them.. I do live in the moment most all the time… ( except when my mind grabs me back). But this kind of concreted the fact that her Dad won’t ever be able to be adult enough to help me with her… it’s basically ALL on me…

    thanks so much for the cyber love and hugs!!!


  350.  #350Dominique on June 13, 2013 at 11:54 am

    janie baby – I appreciate his honesty and would love for you to do the same. I also think you are both too young for marriage.

    YET I feel for you and how this hurts. Of course it feels like rejection. It may or may not be, and from here on out, it’s up to you how much of how little contact you want with him.

    If you think it will be too painful, if you don’t want to wait for him which I wouldn’t suggest anyway, then maybe limit contact or cut it off altogether.

    And yes I would encourage you to redouble your self-care efforts in all areas, your body, mind, and spirit.

    This doesn’t HAVE to feel difficult if you so choose. Embracing and loving whatever it is you feel whenever it is you feel it will help hugely.

    And love on yourself hard.


  351.  #351Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Janie Baby your story kinda read also like Carol Allen’s. Another coach. She was young when she ended up breaking up with the guy she eventually married. During the separation she worked on herself and upgraded her relationship skills. I don’t fully remember all the details right now but at the end of it all they got back together and she was a better version of herself and knew what she wanted.

    He was honest with you which is positive. He is not in a stage of his life where he is ready to settle down. His point of you always being angry and emotional might not sit well with you but is worth looking at. The reasons why. If true, changing those things about yourself can only give you power to create better relationships.

    Think you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. So I really encourage you to commit to having fun now. Doing things you really want to do. Travel, learn and live. When you start a family your attention will likely turn towards others needs. I could have gotten married 22/23 but things did not work out. I wanted to get away so I migrated, educated myself, travelled to places I believe I might not have if I had married. The guy came back 20 odd years later still trying to get me. He is basically in the same situation that he was when we were younger. When I looked at my life it seemed like what he was offering was suffocating. My life felt bigger and more exciting.

    Things might work out with this guy but I encourage you not to put your life on hold. Live. Experience. Go out and have fun. Do not hold on to the past. Years slip by very quickly. This could be the best gift he is giving you.

  352.  #352Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:00 pm


    Maybe he is doing the best he knows how. The panic feeling of abandonment can get stuck in her cells. I encourage you to help her work through it. At least look for the positive. It helped her to see that she can be strong. She can think of ways to take care of herself. She has learned resilience.

    I encourage you not to berate him in front of her or badmouth him to her. Let her form her own impressions. Just let her know she is loved and deserves the best despite what this might looks like. She is still developing her worldview and needs to know that not all men abandon women/girls. She has learned a valuable lesson about the disease that will empower her when dating.

  353.  #353Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Lisa – But this kind of concreted the fact that her Dad won’t ever be able to be adult enough to help me with her… it’s basically ALL on me…

    This is focussing on the negative and kinda placing a burden on yourself. The Universe sends us help when we need it. If you can believe that it won’t be ALL on you. Dealing with teenagers now, I know I can’t do it on my own so I have learned to reach out all around me for help. Sports teachers, music teachers, family. You name it. I reach out to them.

    She is precious but there are life lessons that she will have to learn that you might not be able to teach or always protect her from. This was a traumatic experience I know but I encourage you look for the good in it. One thing for sure is that he has taught you never to leave her alone with him for such extended periods of time without having someone else or you check up on her.

  354.  #354Erika on June 13, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Thanks Indigo and Hana.

    Yes, Hana, I feel excited to practice. That’s why I’m here right now, to practice and to try out new ways of being as space opens in my life now that my debt is all paid off … still not happy with some of the habitual ways I’ve been responding to people.

    So let’s take a situation I wish I had handled differently, with my ex. It was the night before we had sex, and we were having dinner. He had told me that his girlfriend was moving to another continent and he knew that relationship was not going to work out (she did, and it eventually didn’t). I was expressing that I still wasn’t sure I was ready to have sex, and he said something like, “It seems to me that you already know everything you need to know.”

    And I just let that go. We did have sex the next day, and it was wonderful. But … I didn’t know everything I needed to know. And I ended up not getting what I wanted.

    So now let’s replay that dinner, what would I have said? Let’s practice and let me know what you think …

    “M, I’m not sure I do know everything I need to know. I am really feeling strong chemistry with you and my heart says sex between us would be amazing. I know for me sex is a very emotionally bonding thing. Right now you’ve told me this relationship with your girlfriend is ending, by her own choice as well as yours. Yet you are still living in [another city] with her. And I am still living in San Francisco. I don’t want to be in a situation where I fall in love with you and then we are not together and things are uncertain. What do you think we can do so I can feel more confident about us moving forward together?”

  355.  #355Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    “you are still living in [another city] with her.”

    Erika – for me this piece would be crossing my boundary. I appreciate you are different and might not need a committed relationship to have sex.

    “I don’t want to be in a situation where I fall in love with you” – I don’t know why I hearing here that you were willing to have sex though you weren’t in love with him. Like you need to have sex to fall in love. Or maybe you were willing to have casual sex with him to see where it would lead?

    Maybe I have done that? I feel so panicky and afraid exploring this.

  356.  #356Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Or maybe it was because I read your article about Trading Sex?

  357.  #357Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    All of a sudden I am getting consistently picked on the dating site.

  358.  #358Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 12:20 pm


    I have to disagree on this one.. it’s me accepting reality nothing negative about it… and if I don’t accept it , something will happen again until I do!

    She is fine and I work with her on things … trust me… I do a great job on that…

    I don’t and didn’t blast him in front of her… I’m confused as to how and why you feel that I did or would do that??? That concerns me…

    and I also know since I’ve studied psychology for 20 years that if a parent acts like it is a bad / negative thing then the child will take that on… in no way did I act negatively about it… she is a strong girl ( like her mom) and is very advanced emotionally for her age. She does the Byron Katie work… so you’ll have to trust that I know what I’m doing in this situation. I’ve been dealing with Autism for 20 years…

    Thanks so much! I appreciate your concern about her and him…

    I think I’m the one that needs a break and some TLC…

    I’m loving on me.. and treating me to calm and some relaxation tonight…

    Big {{hugs}}]

  359.  #359Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    ” I’m confused as to how and why you feel that I did or would do that???”

    I don’t Lisa. I was just saying. Mainly because I have seen women do this, including my own sister-in-law. This kind of thing has a way of backfiring as kids get older. They tend to seek out the absent parent and try to build bond. The present parent sometimes end up feeling sidelined.

  360.  #360Erika on June 13, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Hi Femininewoman,

    I can see how it would trigger panicky feelings. I just was not experienced enough yet with setting boundaries and creating a stable foundation early in a relationship. We had developed such a longstanding emotional relationship already that I felt I could trust him. And that was the mistake. I didn’t understand at that time that it’s up to me to make sure the situation is aligned so that I know it’s stable before I let him move anything forward.

    Sexual intercourse for me gets me more invested, if I’m already into a guy. Other women may have a different experience with it. For me now, I just won’t have sex until I am 100% comfortable that the situation feels stable and the values are shared. I mean values like how we communicate and how we treat each other and everything. So for me, there just isn’t sex anymore with a man I’m into until I feel that solidity and certainty in the relationship. That’s just me. I’ve been celibate again for a year and a half.

    Thanks for reading my article by the way 🙂

  361.  #361Erika on June 13, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    I gave my power away by leaving it “up to him.” And that’s where for me at least the idea of him “leading” can lead to problems, unless I keep very firmly grounded in my own values. Probably I did feel scared, and I didn’t realize that it was possible to create such a stable foundation in a relationship that I could have pretty much guaranteed an outcome I would have been happy with. But blindly following his lead wasn’t going to get me there. I needed not to give my power away and be taking a lot more responsibility for how things unfolded. I already went through all my deep regret and disappointment about all that. So now I’m in the calm space of “never going to let that happen again so how do I need to be to make sure it doesn’t.”

  362.  #362Millie on June 13, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    @Janie Baby

    I’m so happy you’re back!
    Hugs to you…I know what you’re going through feels hard and difficult and painful. For what it’s worth, I admire your strength and strong choice of words to him. Whether it was “sirens” or not, I feel like you honored yourself and your feelings. I would also have to agree with him, that personally, early 20’s is too young for marriage. A lot of people do get married young and have a great relationship, so I believe it is about using circular dating to find the most compatible match for you, that wants to give you what you want. I know this is going to be a tough transition for you, but we are all here for you. Hugs 🙂

  363.  #363Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Turquoise when I read the following I thought of you. Hope all is well. I miss you.

    “3. Remember your partner is your beloved and your friend

    So often, couples find they’re treating each other worse than would their friends or even strangers they meet at the super market.

    Early in our relationship, we figured out that we were going to need to start treating each other as good as (if not better) than we would a best friend. That meant giving the benefit of doubt instead of jumping to the worst possible scenario when things get tense. That also meant having an open heart to listen instead of judging”

    By: Susie and Otto Collins

  364.  #364Lisa on June 13, 2013 at 1:28 pm


    It wasn’t traumatic… that is the point..it was stressful though. I deal with my emotions when they come up and release at least until they release. I didn’t notice my daughter having any trauma….and she released as well… it’s over and we are having a blast now swimming… I wouldn’t use that term trauma… and concreted sounds to me as if it is permanent.. that isn’t the case when a child learns to let go and can do The Work on things that are stressful..

    Leaving it all on me means me finding help, me delegating and me keeping a watch out… and I don’t have any type of connections even through the autism society that will help me keep an eye on him… he is 43 years old…that’s impossible….

    Again, you’ll just have to trust that I’m thorough and I’ve looked at all the channels… plus I don’t have funds for a sitter…

    that being said, it feels projected … I don’t know your sister in law’s situation…. so I don’t want to comment.. but I do know my situation is entirely different…

    I don’t follow the negative / positive duality belief system.. I believe that everything has both in it… and our minds make it one or the other… therefore, any situation that occurs needed to occur for a specific reason and there is no negative in that….

    I know that is totally different than lots of women on this site…

    {{{ hugs }}]

  365.  #365Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Lisa I got. I have to say though that I was a little misunderstood. I was referring to reaching out for help with your daughter. Not to keep an eye on him.

    I trust you know best.

  366.  #366Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    My choice of words might not be the best.

  367.  #367Rebecca on June 13, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Dominique – 281

    Yes, that sounds like S! He is more messy rather than dirty – but I do equate the two together unfortunately and can’t get past that. Also, he dresses well and looks after himself.

    I’m not sure how things will pan out but I really want to be able to speak up to him and tell him how I feel. I have to realise that it’s important to put my feelings before his… If that makes sense?!

  368.  #368Elsie on June 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Ready for the update? Here you go.

    OMG. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself.

    He isnt going to be in the same city at all next week. LOL. He isnt even going to be out of town.

    I went over to his work and we chatted about a ton of other stuff, and then I said – Ok, you know you always make me feel like I can say anything to you – and I feel weird about something. And he just dropped everything and looked at me, full attention on me. I said – well, you know I never felt like my feelings mattered with my husband, they were always not important, so I still struggle with that. But I do feel weird about something, and I’m not sure how to say it, but I’m going to be in xxx city next week, and I think you are going to be in xxx city next week, right….and….

    I didnt even get any further, he is like, I”m not going to be there next week….im not going out of town…..

    I said, what? I’m confused, the work calendar says you are – I happened to check it yesterday and saw that and wondered why if you knew I was going to be there and you were going to be there, that you hadnt mentioned anything about meeting up etc. unless maybe you didnt want to…

    And he just said – oh no! That was my original plan, but the people there couldnt make the meeting, so I am going probably the next week.

    I just started laughing. I said – well, I”m glad I said something, it was either that, or my other thought was that you were going to be there but didnt want to see me so I was going to say…..and I paused, and he said…..F** you? LOL. I laughed and said haha – no I would never say that to you – haha.

    Anyway – look at all this. For NOTHING.

    So I said – well, thank you for making the hard things easy, and he smiled at me and said “sure.”

    Once again. He made me feel like I was being so silly and that of COURSE he would want to see me if we were in the same city.

    LOL. I’m insane.

  369.  #369Dominique on June 13, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Rebecca – 365 – Yes absolutely, and I think it’s a good idea to speak up about this. You feel uncomfortable around all the messiness, so yes you need to express this. The solution would be up to him though.


  370.  #370Dominique on June 13, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    There you go Elsie. It is almost inevitable that a woman will work herself up for something that isn’t.

    I feel relieved you spoke up.


  371.  #371Hana on June 13, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Thank you Erika, I appreciate your example! That is very good. I have to practice.

    Has anyone ever tried Mike Fiore’s text your ex back?


  372.  #372Elsie on June 13, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    @Dominique – SO GLAD I took your advice. 🙂 I think it would have been ok either way – but the other way, if I hadnt said anything, it would have eaten at me for another 5 days until Monday, when I found out he was back in the office. LOL.

  373.  #373Simone on June 13, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend for three weeks now and have not been to his house or met his family or friends he lives a hour away from me though on his own he’s 30years old. I work in a hair salon and my clients keep saying has he got a secret wife or girlfriend and it annoys me do I have anything to worry about. Or am I been stupid. I’m loving our relationship and he doesn’t give me any indication he has a secret wife or girlfriend.

  374.  #374Zia on June 13, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Well done Elise for speaking to him about it!! It’s amazing how we women have the ability to snowball things in our mind that would not even be an issue if we just made our feelings known 🙂

  375.  #375Zia on June 13, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Hana – I’m using it at the moment

  376.  #376Femininewoman on June 13, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Don’t you find Mike Fiore’s strategy very masculine enenergy though?

  377.  #377Hana on June 13, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Zia, where are u in the process, and what are your thoughts? If I bumped into him in the 2 and a half week do I have to do no contact again?

    Feminine woman, this is what I am concerned about, I have read pull ur ex back and I like it very much too, he says that his stratgegy is to get your ex to come to u first, I am a little conflicted, but I can see a shift in him for sure.


  378.  #378Zia on June 13, 2013 at 4:58 pm

    FW – yes.

    Hana – it does go against what Rori teaches with regards to not reaching out. However, I think that if/when you did decide to contact after the 30 days, you were doing so from a place with NO expectations or desired outcome it could be ok. If you were working on yourself, circular dating, using all of Rori’s tools and just treated the ex as another “fish in the sea” kinda thing. I’m still up in the air about it, but I actually came across it from comments on one of the blog posts here a while ago.

    I think if you were to do it and were feeling needy/desperate about getting back together with him, that’s where it really goes against everything. I don’t see it hurting to send one or two texts after the no contact period, but if you’re the one doing ALL the initiating then that’s where it starts to get back to that insecure place.

    If you bumped into him you’d just be pleasant but continue on your way. But it wouldn’t mean starting again.

  379.  #379Zia on June 13, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Hana – I’m just out of the no contact period and have had a couple of warm, but neutral responses. Have decided to just keep working on myself, sorting out my life more, working on my personal growth, getting into circular dating, and just seeing if anything happens with him and not getting attached to any desired outcome. Just trusting that if he and I are meant to be together, the universe will make it happen without me having to push for it 🙂

  380.  #380Zia on June 13, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I managed to get a session with Virginia Clark which is happening in about half an hour, I am really looking forward to it.

    Another woman who I found thanks to Rori 🙂 Rori’s tools have really helped me embark on such an amazing journey!

  381.  #381Sean G on June 13, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Hi, im in a messed up stage in my 3 year long relationship and as its my first serious relationship I feel lost and confused.. would here be the right place to post my issues or do I need to email ?… thanks

  382.  #382Syreena on June 13, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Thank you Rori 295 It felt comforting to hear your response and be identified with.

    I don’t know what else to do other than to stop expessing my feelings to certain people, if all it is doing is making me feel more anxious and distressed.
    I don’t want to continue harming myself that way.
    The pain feels and stress feel almost unbearable.

    It felt so odd that afterwards they wanted to make me food and ask me to watch a tv programe that they new I liked with them.

    Where once upon a time I would have been craving this from them, I didn’t want to be anywhere near them, I didn’t want to share a single peice of me with them. I felt emotionally drained whaked ot and exhausted. Like nervous exhaustion.

    I wanted to ovrap myself up in a heavy duvet and sleep, recover, recharge.

    If we are not able to share when we feel happy or distressed about things that have happened to us without our feelings being dismissed, mimimised, ignored, denied etc. With our own families just who are we to share with..?

    I don’t want sympathy, people to fel sorry for me. I just want to be seen, heard and understood

  383.  #383Syreena on June 13, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Also I am having computer [roblems at moment including e mail.

  384.  #384Elsie on June 13, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    I just wanted to clear something up. I was fussy with some of the things that Mercedes said to me yesterday. She apologized, and I’ve already talked to her off the blog, but realized I never officially said anything about it on here.

    First off, Mercedes has NOTHING to apologize for – so I refuse to accept her apology LOL!!!!!!

    She is awesome, and was speaking to me from her heart. She has never intended to hurt me or anyone else and is one of the kindest people I hope to meet someday in person. 🙂 She spends so much of her time and energy on helping people in real life and on this blog.

    That is all she was trying to do for me yesterday, and I was just not in a good place to hear it.

    Her words are more true than not, and I was just not in a good place to hear them.

    I truly think the world of her. 🙂

    So, I”m sorry, Mercedes, I cant accept your apology – haha!!!! Because you have nothing to apologize for. 🙂

    In fact, I will be offended if you ever dare to “sugar coat” anything for me ever in the future!!! 🙂

  385.  #385Daria on June 13, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    i let tonite’s Cd kiss me!

  386.  #386Daria on June 13, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    i also been ‘fighting’ with Bookie on text

    he seems very mad that im seeing other guys


    im not sure how to deal with this but its feeling very dramatic and fight liek uph

    i feel good tho

  387.  #387Andrea on June 13, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    I feel sad tonight. I feel sad and unsupported. I feel broken hearted, after another week of no contact, that he hasn’t even tried…

    Deeper than that, I feel such overwhelming sadness with the realization of how hard I was working in that relationship. How I thought it was love because he deemed to answer the phone if I called. How I allowed myself to be satisfied with crumbs, panting after any tiny bit of attention, and called it love.

    It’s amazing to me how much I chased. I initiated. I called. I planned. And as soon as I stop… It ALL stops. As soon as I stop juggling, all the balls drop and he’s not willing to even try to gather up the pieces.

    I feel a huge scary sadness knowing that if I hadn’t come across this work by Rori, I would still be doing it. I would still be tormenting myself over unsatisfied and unfulfilled dreams, believing this lie that I’m only worthy of a little bit. What if??

    What if, instead of two weeks no contact, after all the put downs and the confusion and the mind games… what if I was still feeling overwhelmed by these moments of lonliness, and picking up the phone to call him, or texting him, of trying to accidentally bump into him somewhere? What if I were still bleeding my soul dry trying to get his affection only to be satisfied every once in a while.

    Can I handle these emotions right now. This sadness. This seeing what REALLY is, instead of trying to create a fantasy that just never existed. This hurts. But it feels like the kind of hurt that I get at the gym when I try a new ab workout.

    If I keep it up, keep exercising, the pain will subside.. right? My muscles will be toned, and in shape, and ready for something better.

    I feel sad tonight and part of me feels sunk, depleted, tired… yeah… I feel really tired. I think I’m going to give myself permission to just go to bed.

  388.  #388Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 10:31 pm


    I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself.

    From what you’ve told us on here, it seems there were very beautiful times and very real feelings. I would hate to have you thinking, because of what has happened now, that you were not loved, that there was not true joy, because I believe you are wise enough that you would not have invested had there not been love and true joy at times.

    As my mom likes to say “the problem is almost never that you weren’t loved enough.”

    I also think you sound so great and you can be so proud of yourself!

  389.  #389Indigo on June 13, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    I’ve had incredible things happen with two guys in the last few days.

    I had a conversation with R on Tuesday night, when he phoned, about what I wanted from a relationship. That I wanted romance and someone to make an effort for me. He actually initiated the conversation as he said he was a bit confused. I was conscious of my words maybe sounding a bit blamey, yet I assured him I was not trying to pressure him, and I was truly ok with it if he decided he would rather not step up, and was half expecting that. In fact, he said he wanted to give me everything I wanted and make me happy, and he took me out to dinner on Wednesday night and his whole vibe was different than how it had been before. I felt so good and cared for.

    Then yesterday, after going on for 6 days of no contact with D, I messaged him and said that I had missed him. He confirmed our agreement – actually I had thought it was an agreement just to be friends again when I came back from our trip, but he said we could discuss being together when I came back. He had thought we had this agreement, and that it meant no contact till then. It was a good conversation, his words were gentle and reassuring.

    Then he messaged me last night to say that my cat (which he is looking after for me) was missing and he thought I should know. Then he messaged me again to let me know that he had turned up, which I thought was very thoughtful.

  390.  #390Daria on June 13, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    im navigating through this with a lot less panic and just practicing

    i see that guys do get triggerd and angry when getting ready to talk about not wanting other guys to have you

    and wtf its real!

    im the Rock!

    i love myself!

    i stand by my boundaries!

    oh i wanna copy my texts for you guys to see and i also feel lazy lol

  391.  #391Daria on June 13, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    n guess what!!! im screening guys for eating my pussie! hehe

    and also im getting better at telling them when i dont feel good being touched

    (when they have an agenda and aren’t paying attention to my body signals of what im doing… grabbing my tummie when im digesting, leaning on me or pulling on me rather than intentionally focusing on creating pleasurable sensations in me)

    WIthout blaming them! this is awesome cuz this was something ive bene coming across with almost all men lately

    good seeming men who dont seem to know how to touch me

    and now im expressing myself on it easily

    and im not feeling guilty about it!

    yay new normal and i wonder wht amazing things are gonna happen?!!

  392.  #392Hana on June 13, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    I met someone! I loooooove how he makes me feel. Wow, just when I thought A was the only one that could make me feel excited. So much to say, update tomorrow. Love cd’ing!!!! Xoxo

  393.  #393Daria on June 13, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    yay HANA!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  394.  #394Lioness on June 13, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Hello Rori & Blog,

    The guy who sort of poofed on me a few weeks ago has emailed me and seems to want to start seeing me again
    I feel happy and curious about his return. I think I jumped the gun last time and have worked on myself a bit and look forward to seeing him again but I remember Rori saying that he didn’t sound like a match for me.

    That keeps replaying in my head.
    Rori and blog, do you think he could be a match after all?

    Also, should I take things slow?
    Is there a What to do when he returns type of blog post?

  395.  #395janie baby on June 14, 2013 at 12:48 am

    thnk you Dominique, FW, and Millie!
    feels so good reading your words…

    I feel scared not knowing what will happen. I feel like I’m being harsh, but I feel like he’s trying to take the easy way out by doing this through text messages.

    he texted me today saying”Obviously I care about losing you. That is why I think we need a break to figure things out. I love you too and always will. I told you it’s not a matter of whether I want a relationship, but rather if I want a serious relationship at 23. At 23 we should be having fun and developing ourselves. Anyway I think us staying away for a little will help us think about this individually. Good luck bartending. Hope it goes well. Love.”

    this text pissed me off. hes not specific about how much time he needs space for.. if its a week thats fine but this just makes me want to treat it like a breakup. i feel angry. i feel like he’s breaking up with me but wants me there incase he changes his mind. I am angry. I can’t believe he’s doing this..
    I replied “If you want to break up just break up with me. Be straight up. No need to pretend about this “break” stuff and beat around the bush. That’s what upsets me the most about all of this. I’m just sad. I don’t understand why you broke up with me over text. But whatever. No need for me to dwell. Good luck”

    Again not very sireny but I am ANGRY! I am soo angry!!!
    Now what do I say? ughhh it’s like nothing I say is good enoug. I’m scared he won’t respond or call but whatever. I gotta let go.

    It feels like he lied to me about loving me.

  396.  #396Indigo on June 14, 2013 at 3:59 am

    janie baby,

    I can understand how this must hurt, but I would love for you to see this in its proper perspective.

    He told you he did love you. Believe him. He is being honest with you, and whilst the truth can feel very difficult (some guys tend towards being blunt, but honest, but I believe these are the GOOD guys) he is actually giving you a great gift by doing so.

    I don’t think this is about keeping you around just in case at all. I think it is just as he says, he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you, but he feels he has so much more of his life to experience and he cannot promise commitment. Would you rather he denied this part of himself and told you what you wanted to hear?

    I don’t like to give advice, but I’m in a similar situation and the when a guy says he wants space, the best thing you can do is believe him when he says he loves you, and AGREE with him. Take the space, try to enjoy it for you. There’s nothing else for it.

    **hugs** x

  397.  #397ruth on June 14, 2013 at 4:20 am

    you ladies are awesome
    I feel comforted and uplifted every time I log onto here and read

  398.  #398Mercedes on June 14, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Elsie: You make me smile and cry at the same time! You’re the BEST and I appreciate you so much…thank you for seeing past my actual words and into my heart. Thank you.

    Much Love,

  399.  #399IamHis on June 14, 2013 at 6:21 am

    @214 Dominique –

    “what I meant to ask was, are you testing the man before allowing him in?”

    Thank you so much for asking me this.

    Now, holy crap, I feel triggered!!!!!

    Of course I’m testing him before allowing him in!

    Why should I let someone “in” if they are not good, solid, and trust-worthy?

    I can feel myself judging…past men, women, myself, everyone…the whole world…

    I’ve been hurt.

    I feel scared and angry.

    I’ve been hurt by men and by some of my closest girlfriends.

    I don’t want to throw a pity party for myself, because that’s ridiculous, and G0D knows enough of the world does that and that’s what makes us all more fearful people, rather than loving people…

    Geez, I’m like shaking…

    I feel guilty…

    I’ve noticed I haven’t recently been as open and honest as I would like to imagine myself to be, and I hate that, because I practically WORSHIP openness and honesty…

    Nothing attracts me to people more than openness and honesty.

    and nothing attracts me to MEN more than leadership…

    I feel scared.

    I feel like the universe is opening up for me and that life is about to blow me away with lessons and I’m wondering if “I’m ready” for those lessons…

    Lessons usually mean I feel embarrassed and humbled and shaky…

    but then I always learn so much…


    It’ll be okay.

    Okay, lessons….

    Come at me!

    Ready or not, here I am………

  400.  #400Hana on June 14, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Good morning Ladies!

    Zia, your comment resonated with me, “Just trusting that if he and I are meant to be together, the universe will make it happen without me having to push for it :)”
    – My feelings regarding this echo yours. Btw, how was Virginia Clark, I still love that part in Rori’s program!

    Andrea, doll, how are you today? HUG

    Daria, good job on getting your needs met hehe

    I went out last night, I was looking really pretty, wearing a summery blue dress and feeling like the woman that I was before I met A, I was at a different Salsa club, my other regular spot, I go on Thursday’s because it’s the day he doesn’t go usually. But, of course I’m thinking of him, at the same time I’m open to new experiences. I was feeling kind of sad and lonely because no one was asking me to dance, and only one of my dance partners was there and he was busy. Just when I gave myself 5 more minutes to hang out then leave, someone asked me to dance.

    He’s really lovely,we went on the patio, and I gave a cuban cigar a few puffs for the first time! lol, and I felt so comfortable talking and dancing, and being so free and sexy. OH, I thought I was going to explode from good feelings. Other times in the past I would just be too cautious, but then again, when you meet someone you’re so comfy with you don’t really hold back. I was smart, witty, sweet, sexy, and real and that is me! Interesting thing he said to me “You naturally demand me to be the man, you’re so woman” LOLLLL, how cute is that?

    Anyway, the point I’m feeling is that I’m finally reaping the benefits of CD’ing, A is not the only man on this planet, neither is B or C or D, (hehe) and I’m really feeling like it is crucial to keep at it. I also don’t give my nasty voice much credit, I just hug it and move on.

    What I’m noticing about CD is that these good feelings they last with you for a short time sometimes longer, and it just gives you a breath of freshness that you may not otherwise get, it is starting to feel like food that I can’t live without. I am glad that I’m doing other things and not crying over him.

    XOXO love you ladies

  401.  #401Zia on June 14, 2013 at 6:39 am

    That’s fantastic Hana!! Oh how I wish I could meet someone I felt even a small spark for… I’ve been dating and just no one so far has given me even a remote one.

  402.  #402Hana on June 14, 2013 at 6:50 am

    That is what I thought would be for me! But, I kept at it, and just when it feels like giving up time, it happens.

    I am praying for control though haha, because Zia I am sure you can relate, that you get a little worked up over the men that you feel more of a spark for.

  403.  #403Lisa on June 14, 2013 at 6:55 am


    I’m in total agreement about nothing attracts me more than openness and honesty.., it is such a turn on… for me with men…

    I also agree that I’m just as much turned on by a man that can lead… but not in a Macho way… a man that knows what he wants and goes after it… authentically!

    I’m very attracted to a vulnerable, soft and yet strong man…

    Great post!!!

    {{ hugs }}

  404.  #404IamHis on June 14, 2013 at 6:59 am

    @397 Lisa – Thanks, Lisa!! Feels good that it resonated with someone.

    I feel so silly.

    Someone who I have a total girl crush on just noticed me on social media and I feel stinking giddy!!!

    I’ve always looked up to her. She’s not that much older than me, single, similar beliefs, and yet…she’s living this dream that I wish I had the balls to pursue…

    I feel like I can learn so much from her…………

    and who knows?

    maybe her from me too………

  405.  #405IamHis on June 14, 2013 at 7:00 am

    I feel curious and a little sad because a voice inside is telling me that I’ve been afraid all this time of becoming all that I am and all that I could be……

  406.  #406Femininewoman on June 14, 2013 at 7:04 am

    “! feel scared not knowing what will happen”

    Janie baby get used to not knowing what will happen. I am much older than you and can confirm that for the most part in life we don’t know what’s going to happen next in any situation. If you don’t like surprises I encourage you to start being open to them. Life is full of pleasant surprises.

  407.  #407Lisa on June 14, 2013 at 7:35 am


    Yes, I think that we all have that same fear stopping us from becoming all we can be…. there is a beautiful poem about that ,, which I love and it was on the move Akeea and the bee or something like that… if I can find it, I’ll post it…

    Fear of the unknown… is a beautiful thing…. and it can also be like anticipation… looking forward to the fear of what will come next… for me anyways… I try to turn it around…

  408.  #408seahorse on June 14, 2013 at 7:41 am

    So much to read and digest. No digesting right now…….another word perhaps for that……….. blehhhhh………. got sick and I really hate getting sick.

    While sick and the fever was having a party in my body, I was thinking strange things. Like playing with ideas and turing them this way and that,like childrens alphabet blocks. One idea and so many sides to it. I felt my defenses come up inside, try to rationalize why one idea wouldn’t work. It keep coming up with excuses…………. I felt frustrated with some of them, till I remembered to shine love on them and accept……… Yes dearest I love you and thank you so much, now go sit over there and I am going to try this way……………………. sometimes it took awhile to get it to go sit down…. or it felt like it at least. Some blocks came together more complete now. I am feeling thankful for that.

    I didn’t post then but I read Ruth!!! Hi Ruth!!! Big hugs at you! And Tam too!!!

  409.  #409Emerson on June 14, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Hi sirens! I realized something yesterday,,,,
    Talking about recognizing anger the other day has helped me realize that I feel sadness as well …
    I feel sad when it’s been a long time since I had sex or had male physical attention. The raw desire is there of course and wanting sex, but beyond that is a deep sadness….it’s very obvious to me now. At those times I feel so low and unloved even tho I know it’s not true.

    Today I have two dates with CDs I met online. Neither is too promising but I’m doing it for practice. It’s good for me to practice getting dressed up in a cute outfit and makeup, hair, etc!

  410.  #410BeLoved on June 14, 2013 at 7:48 am

    I feel so many feelings about interactions with my son this morning. Grief, sorrow, anger, rage, confusion, love, warmth…
    it started out as a text exchange, and once it started to feel charged, I told him my heart aches and feels heavy, I don’t want to do this over text anymore, I respect whatever choices he makes for himself.

    His mindset is that nobody was there for him when he was down, and that his wife’s family took him in and accepted him and loved him. He raged a bit about being surrounded by enablers.

    From my perspective, things fell apart for him when people STOPPED enabling him. He was 21, living with me, making 40k a year, and I was very sick, depressed, and working part-time for minimum wage, 3 months behind on rent when I finally packed a suitcase and took a bus across the country to live on a friend’s couch because life with him had become unmanageable. He stole money from me, spent his money on drugs, and refused to help pay any household expenses. He moved on to my mother’s, I told her why I didn’t think it was a good idea, he did the same thing with her. Made good money, stole from her, she bailed him out when his car got re-po’d, he never paid her back…stole from his super good job, got fired, moved on to my ex, stole from HIM…and when his options ran out, he moved in with his wife’s family who are all too happy to play the lather/rinse/repeat cycle, do drugs with him, let him take all the blame when something goes wrong and play the dysfunctional game with him.

    I feel so sad seeing my dreams of having my DIL as part of our family, my sisters and nieces and mother loving and spoiling the new baby.
    I don’t know that will happen but it seems likely.
    I feel a deep, cutting sorrow, that this child I fought SO hard to keep by my side and do right by, as much as possible, and give a better life than I got, is making choices that feel like distance rather than closeness.

    I know I made a lot of mistakes, and I always had some belief that as long as I kept doing better, and was willing to be accountable to him for them, we could work it out.

    I feel helpless and powerless, and empowered at the same time. I feel helpless to change the situation, I feel empowered that I can feel my feelings and make choices for myself in my own best interest.

    I feel empowered that I can see that maybe it isn’t in my or my family’s best interest that my son re-connect with the family.

    It aches, and feels like head-thrown-back wailing from my heart, tears streaming down my face, and, given his history and his father’s history, maybe it is best that we not try to keep making him feel welcome and invited.

    His dad disappeared when my son was 6, he had a crack problem at the time, and I have reason to believe he committed some serious crimes and died of AIDS.

    I choke up sobbing, thinking of my precious baby, and what he has become..I never wanted this for him.
    I never imagined life would turn out this way for me, for him.
    I feel so much grief and sorrow of so many dreams and hopes and wishes dying.

    I feel like I want to move somewhere totally new, make a fresh start. I know I have changed a lot of old behaviors, habits, erroneous thinking, I imagine it would feel good to go somewhere totally unfamiliar and just start over.

  411.  #411Zia on June 14, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I felt so moved reading this, and wanted to share with all you beautiful women x


  412.  #412Zia on June 14, 2013 at 7:53 am

    hana – i can totally relate!

  413.  #413seahorse on June 14, 2013 at 7:59 am

    I really liked reading Elsie’s Mirror Mirror back to her self. I felt inquisitive after that and got myself laughing at some of the stuff I came up with.
    Almost Bryon Katie but simpler…………… and having attraction to those who have what we most want in ourselves…………… or give to ourselves from our own selves?

  414.  #414MovingMagic on June 14, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I dedicated last night to myself. I didn’t check e-mails, pick up phone calls or respond to texts. I’m going to make it a ritual & start doing this for myself once a week. It feels goooood.

  415.  #415seahorse on June 14, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Beloved………. warm all over hugs. And remembered to breathe deep into your womb

    I haven’t spoke with my son for two years. It was so hard at first and times come when thoughts of him are so strong. I could almost smell him. With the help of my therapist I got to an understanding. I had to let go and let him be. He is old enough to make up his own mind. I did a great job raising him. I really really did. It’s his journey and I don’t have any control over his choices. Wrap it up and give it to your higher power. We only have control over ourselves…………………………………… I feel so big for you Beloved…………. I close my eyes and see you and send light and pink fuzzy blankets and a calming hand to hold………. blessings to Beloved……….AND BREATHE DARLIN!!!!!!!

  416.  #416Mercedes on June 14, 2013 at 8:11 am

    MM: Omg! I LOVE that! Dedicating one night per week to YOU! Wow! Yes!!!

    BeLoved…I don’t know what else to say but my heart goes out to you. Big hug!

    Much Love,

  417.  #417Shar Lean Way Back on June 14, 2013 at 8:15 am

    This will break your hearts Sirens. But it’s beautiful and powerful. Hope the link will post.


  418.  #418Daria on June 14, 2013 at 8:17 am

    last nite my hands got charged and then i woke up with them hot

    i want to heal my thyroid power and my blood flow

    i want to consistently keep myself in a movin rhythm that keeps me feeling flowy and healthy

    thank you

  419.  #419seahorse on June 14, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Beloved……. I wanted to move far away too. I read this….. Wherever you go, there you are………….. There is a another blog I have read for the last couple of years. It offered so much to my sad heart. A ray of sunshine and ease that I am very grateful for. It’s called “10 steps to finding your Happy Place and staying there”. Galen Pearl is her name. I hope you enjoy it and gives ease as I have found in reading her.

  420.  #420Daria on June 14, 2013 at 8:20 am

    “When True Love is Real
    By Ashley Papa, June 04, 2013

    Don’t believe the movies and the fairytales — there’s no such thing as love at first sight. While it’s possible to have an instant attraction to someone, true love is proven over time through actions and behaviors, experts say.

    But when it comes to those lasting relationships, how can you tell what is true love and what isn’t? After all, love is a powerful thing, and can be difficult to describe.

    When it feels convenient, it isn’t truly love, says dating coach Cherry Norris. “Many couples settle for fear that they won’t find anyone else or there are external factors at play, like money or children. But these couples lack that energy between them,” says Norris. When it comes to real love, there is a sense of knowing that it’s right, she adds.

    READ: 24 Things Your Guests Hated About Your Wedding

    “When you love someone, what you are saying is, ‘I accept you for who you are and you fit into my life,’” says Dr. Patricia Allen, relationship expert and author of the book “Getting to ‘I Do.’”

    When you’re in love with someone, your soul feels fulfilled, emotionally and spiritually, adds Allen. “Your mind makes you feel as though you’ve known this person your whole life.”

    True love stems from emotional intimacy, and can never be forced.

    “You can’t make someone be in love with you, but you can inspire love in the other person, by just being and loving yourself,” says relationship coach Virginia Clark.

    Lust isn’t love. “We often think it’s love when our body screams for someone. But without the compatibility and the communication, it is just lust,” says Norris. In her practice, Norris says the couples she works with who show true love have an energy between them. “Their energy matches, and there is a natural compatibility. They also just genuinely like each other.”

    READ: 10 Myths About Cheating, Debunked

    On the other hand, whether someone is “your type” does not indicate true love. “Common values are more important than personalities, or whether someone is your type,” says Ann O’Brien, an energy healer and spiritual teacher. Not every person we’re attracted to is meant to be a lover or life partner,” she adds. Sometimes, they’re just meant to be a friend or acquaintance.

    O’Brien adds that sometimes, a strong attraction which we perceive as love is unfinished business from another life. It could also be a current part of ourselves that we see in the other person, especially a part of ourselves that we’re not completely owning. “For example, I wanted to be a musician, but until I figured that out, I kept dating musicians instead of being one myself,” she says.

    It sounds cliché, but when it’s meant to be, it will be. As O’Brien says, “Love always finds a way.” ”

    Read more: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/when-true-love-real#ixzz2WCjK2pCe

    *click to see the awesome picture of the kiss!!!

  421.  #421Shar Lean Way Back on June 14, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I posted that link because the facilitator was “centered” and it was all about what being “centered” can bring to another person.

  422.  #422Femininewoman on June 14, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Shar I experienced something similar with a family friend. She passed last year. Now I understand some of what she was going through, especially when the speech was gone.

  423.  #423seahorse on June 14, 2013 at 8:26 am

    Shar- that was beautiful. Thank you very much.

  424.  #424Femininewoman on June 14, 2013 at 8:27 am

    Wow!!! The human spirit is strong!!!

  425.  #425Shar Lean Way Back on June 14, 2013 at 8:27 am

    awww ((( FW ))) It showed me a lot as well.

  426.  #426Femininewoman on June 14, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Shar thank you. I feel myself vibrating at higher level after watching that. It really opened my heart a little more.

    Thank you 🙂

  427.  #427Sassy on June 14, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Big big hugs to you Beloved. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go.

    I feel your heartache.

  428.  #428Sassy on June 14, 2013 at 8:42 am


    Thank you for that. Touch is so very important. And music really does soothe our souls.

  429.  #429BeLoved on June 14, 2013 at 8:47 am

    seahorse I cried even more reading about you and your son.
    many many many times I have thought, wherever you go, there you are, which is why I feel confident going somewhere new and making a new life for myself is actually a great idea 🙂
    I trust, love and get along with me more than ever.
    I will check out that that blog…although I don’t feel son concerned with being happy as I used to, as I feel good with the whole soup, I love the rich tapestry of the contrasts, I appreciate and savor whatever comes up.

    thank you sassy and mercedes, every little bit of loving attention feels soooo good and I receive it so deeply and gratefully, xoxoxoxo


  430.  #430Mercedes on June 14, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Shar…that was so beautiful… thank you!

    Much Love,

  431.  #431Femininewoman on June 14, 2013 at 8:50 am

    I participated on this last night and want to encourage others to do the same. I knew what my limiting belief was before the webinar but still learned some new things about msyelf while going through the exercise.