When Your Man Takes Care Of His Sister Ahead Of You…

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The Question:

Hi Rori,
I feel stuck in a situation right now, which I don’t know if its a common thing or just me?

I have had a fight with my partner about how he is always influenced by his sister. It’s like she clicks and he jumps even though she is married herself, she is always asking him to either pay for stuff for her, or invites other family to her house and expects him to pick up the bill!!

To me, this is very abnormal and makes me feel like I am second best and she is the real feminine energy to be catered to for him.

I tried to talk to him but he said its me who is abnormal and what he does is normal within families. He also hit me below the belt by saying I generally have a problem with families (because I opened up to him about issues with my family and now he is throwing it in my face).

As a result, we have not been talking for a few days now and he is generally useless at communicating anything. Neither of us are making an effort to talk further.

I tried to not initiate anything and tried to circular date without dating, putting attention on myself, etc but he is not responding.

What do I do? Continue to do my own thing and not lean forwards? We live together so it’s hard to navigate.

I feel that generally our connection is not the best!!!

Thank you, “Frustrated…”

My Answer:

Family is tricky…

Most men really, really care what all members of their family thinks of them.  We women do, too – yet, for a man – it’s a matter of respect.

Your man EXPECTS you to respect him, but his sister – he feels he has to work for that.  To provide constant evidence.  It’s his way of getting points for accomplishment,  to get her good feelings.

Therefore – you must NEVER step into this!

Never, ever complain (really about anything…) unless it’s hurting YOU!

You may feel like second-class because he does things for her and spends money for her – and yet, what that actually has to do with you is if that means he doesn’t have money to spend on YOU.  If he makes you feel bad about money, and then sends it on her.

So – THAT’S what you have to express!

When a man shortchanges us in affection, attention,  time, money – anything, it’s really easy to blame another person who’s GETTING that love, attention, affection, time, money.

And yet – it doesn’t work that way.

He’s not really robbing you to pay them – he’s just not meeting your needs.

So – “It would feel amazing to sit with you tonight over dinner” – that’s what you really want, right, not to complain about someone else who he had dinner with…that would just make you feel angrier.

The secret to everything is in Feeling Messages – and before you can deliver a Feeling Message, you need to know what you feel!

So – step one, yes you feel angry and shortchanged – yet, the real power is in delving into your needs, and asking for those to be met.  Not by complaining, but by sharing how it would feel to have what you want and need.

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 1, 2019 at 12:37 pm

    I feel resonant with that advice, like internally shaking my head in agreement. I’ve seen so many women get into trouble because of prior family relationships that men have