When You’re In Anguish Over Him – Bethany 5

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Bethany is in the middle of a crisis.  The crisis began when she started dating Carl, and it goes on day after day, because, as much as she loves him, she feels awful with him, too:

“Dear Rori, I’m feeling jealous right now. I got a text from Carl not understanding why this girl is dating this one guy we know…I don’t know who she is and I looked her up on facebook, and she’s blond and beautiful and she added Carl as a friend or he added her, I don’t know. Why would he text me that? And I’m blond too and his “type”..what if he’s attracted to her? I know from your e-letters that you say men can have a physical reaction to a woman but still feel nothing for her on a deeper level. I get that and it makes sense, but I still feel jealous! I’m trying to stay on my bridge like you talk about, but it’s so hard to not get knocked off! I used the Circular Breathing technique, and it helped a lot, but this thing has got me thrown. Bethany”

Here’s my answer: Bethany – texting you about this was a huge mistake on his part. It’s utterly clueless, and if he told another guy friend he did that – they’d tell him what a jerk he is.

“You have to say to him, when he calls next. Carl I don’t know why you texted me about that girl. I felt extremely jealous and weird when I got it. I’m not that good a sport.” Or something like that. Let him try to explain and listen to him.

You can’t hide your feelings about this – I don’t know what it means, and neither do you – but I’d keep my energy way back with him, make him really work to get close, and get it all very clear in your head and heart why he felt the need to send you the text.

I’m even wondering if he meant the text to go to someone else and sent it to you by mistake.

You’re not wrong to be upset. Just keep feeling and loving your feelings. Love, Rori

And later Bethany wrote again:

“Okay, Rori, thanks–he actually wrote on her facebook wall and she wrote on his…flirting? Yuck, I feel soooo awful…I’m just listening to the Christian Carter interview on your Blueprint program and he keeps talking about playfulness, which I haven’t been with him cause I want to lean back, so I was just going to send him a message with something about how I had a good time this weekend but then I saw that and I don’t want it to look like I’m chasing him, but yeah, I feel majorly triggered and I’m soooo afraid that if I say to him “I feel jealous” that he’s going to run….I’m confused. Have I not been doing enough??? Bethany”

And here’s the universal part of this, and why I’m posting this whole series.  Bethany is SO TRIGGERED – nearly everything this man does or doesn’t do causes her extreme ANGUISH (I know we can all identify with this), that it’s hard for her to step back and see the big picture.

She’s so experiencing fear and pain that she can’t put his actions into perspective. He’s not a “bad guy.”  He’s just young, inexperienced, and clueless.  As are many, many men.

And the cure for all this is confidence – but not HIS confidence – OUR confidence.

So – how can we build OUR confidence when we feel so “thrown”? Just to start – let’s get some PERSPECTIVE.

1. Use my Zoom Out Tool from Commitment Blueprint and/or my “Wings” Tools from The Modern Siren – it’s about flying up and looking down – seeing you, your man, and ALL the men in the world at the same time – keeping them ALL in view, noticing how your man is just one among millions.

2. Use my breathing Tools in Blueprint to calm yourself (all you need is something to take the edge off each time you feel Triggered), use the Power & Self Esteem Tools here to Accept, Love & Embrace your feelings instead of trying to shove them down (it’s the resistance to our feelings that causes all the anxiety, anguish and most of the pain).

3. Give yourself permission to take this journey.  As long as you don’t shut down all your other options – even what feels like a tortured love affair is a great learning experience.

Remember – it’s NOT about what HE’S DOING, or what he’s saying or who he is.  It’s about YOU, and what being with him brings up in YOU.

After you allow yourself to experience what this feels like, and use EVERY situation to learn to SPEAK THE TRUTH in feeling messages, to abide by the Rori Raye Mantra and always be looking for opportunities to Give Up Control, you’ll start to be able to simply CHOOSE the experiences and situations that FEEL BETTER.

It’s hard to know what to choose when you are only experiencing the same thing over and over again, feeling stuck there.

As you expand yourself and your experience, and ALLOW yourself to get triggered and work through it – you’ll be amazed – you will come out the other side so much stronger than you could have ever believed.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Jenaveeve on December 17, 2008 at 2:50 am

    Im still working on Loving all of my bad feelings. In the past I would always try to brush them under the rug and forget about them. But little by little I have been able to give it a try and love my bad feelings instead of dismissing them.

    This past Fri I did something that made me feel really stupid (but now Ive learned to love that I felt really stupid and actually laughed at myself!) I went up to this guy that I work w (I also have an attraction to him) and told him sarcastically that he was doing such a good job of training the new girl when he was really busy flirting with another. He obviously didnt like that and responded back the same way saying ‘I know right?….’ as I turned around and marched off. Ugh!! After that I felt like such an idiot. Why did I do that?…. Because I felt JEALOUS and I hated that I felt that way and now he knew I felt that way too……

    So I took a moment to try and love that I felt jealous and it worked:) I felt better and soon feeling bad went away.

    Later on when he saw me calm, relaxed, and happy he came over to me smiling as if nothing happened. It felt good to not have to worry about fixing anything because I felt I had done something stupid. I just loved myself for who I am and guess what, he still likes me too……………..

    It feels sooo great to be here. I read a ton of the comments about Rori’s blogs from all of you: Alias girl. Reshi, Daria, Clara….. I feel like part of this sisterhood. Thank all of you ladies for all you have to share here.

  2.  #2Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 9:22 am

    Jenaveeve…..I am glad that you worked thru your ‘dark’ feelings. it does seem that when we allow ourselves to sink into them and follow them around to where ever they lead us….they usually lead us to a lighter place. I am glad that you are here. 🙂

    I know what Bethany is feeling and can totally relate. Things with Charles have been amazing lately except for the fact that he will NOT be at my surgery tomorrow – he will be here at home on his laptop trying to find a load pf freight to haul/ work. I get that he has to find work but as Clara said…will 6 hours or even a day really break us? NO! For the most part though things have been wonderful…he has been loving, affectionate, attentive and caring and even coming to me to give me a hug or kiss at times but then on the other hand I always have the thoughts of ‘is he really going to marry me someday’ as he says? Am I really going to have to move from our home and from him? Is he going to step up? Am I being a fool? Most of the time I feel so conflicted even though things have been so great…it is as though there is a HUGE white elephant in the room but we don’t address it. He says that he loves me and would indeed be lost with me but then why won’t he just marry me? We are already living together and seemingly happy so what is the deal? ##&*^$&^ or get off the pot!! is how I feel. I have been trying to riff alot on my own and my journal is full of going round about with the same things so I don’t feel any closer to being ok than I did several months ago although I DO feel better within ME which is HUGE. love this man so much and so want the life that we have together and you know what….if his business continues to spiral downward and out of control and just let’s say hypothetically that he lost the house….I wouldn’t care. I would still want us to be together in a tiny little 1 BR apartment cuz’ it’s not about all of the stuff…..I want to be with him and grow with him….and I want to believe him but I wonder if I am on hold for something that is never going to happen.
    With love and a hug….

  3.  #3tina on December 17, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Oh Cassandra,
    I feel for you, I believe strongly everything will go well tomorrow.
    Have you ever put it this way to Charles,
    I would feeel so happy and comforted knowing you are there witj me in the hospital, maybe bring the laptop with you, just knowing you are close by will feel so amazing to me, what do you think? This is important to me.
    You just may be surprised. in any event keep your love me energy high,
    I may not contribute very much to this site, I am in such an absorbing mood, but you ladies are fantastic
    My vibe has been radiating off the charts, will soon start to share too.

  4.  #4Reshi on December 17, 2008 at 10:40 am

    Rori, thanks so much for this post. The situation of being so triggered that everything a man does or doesn’t do causes extreme anguish is one that I’ve recently become intimately familiar with. I got to where I just wasn’t even capable of feeling good or being playful when my husband was around, it was all triggering, all the time.

    Now I’m doing some online dating and for some reason I’m pulling in these guys who feel really adversarial. Asking mile-a-minute questions, being pushy. I gave a guy my phone number yesterday and he called and basically talked at me for half an hour, demanding that I ask him challenging questions…I didn’t even feel I had a moment to BREATHE much less think of a question. Then he abruptly said he’d call me again later because he had to go to a meeting. Of course he didn’t call and I don’t know if I would even want to talk to him if he did.

    With all these guys I feel like I have to defend myself and it’s so instant that I feel powerless to stop putting the walls up until the conversation is over. It feels so stressful and adversarial. There’s got to be some kind of lesson in this for me, something I can get from it, but I’m all kinds of clueless right now.

  5.  #5Reshi on December 17, 2008 at 11:11 am

    And of course, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it, I hear Rori’s voice in my ear: “NO MULTITASKING DURING CONVERSATIONS WITH MEN!” I was all preoccupied with my workout that I was on my way to, I didn’t even think to use a Feeling Message. It’s so easy to do it in e-mail and so hard when you’re on the spot…le sigh. I always feel like I have to move so fast if a guy is moving fast…when really I should be slowing myself down…because running to keep up with a man in his masculine energy has got to be a losing battle, and it’s better if he has to stop and think and match my pace.

  6.  #6Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 1:05 pm

    Thank you so much for your input. I LOVED what you wrote that I could say to Charles and how you put it….very positive…totally in the ‘i feels’ and with no blame or negativity. I loved it and am going to use it! Thank you so much for that! I am glad that you are here even if you don’t post much….just knowing that youa re getting something out of it and that your vibe is changing for the good is awesome! I look forward to when you start to share yourself with us! I send you a huge hug!! 🙂
    Reshi…you are so right! i think that you know more than you give yourself credit for girl!!
    Sending love and hugs….

  7.  #7tina on December 17, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Oh Cassandra
    You just put a huge warm smile on me that my entire body feels. Listen you, if you are even 1/100th of the vibrant feminine woman in person as you are on this site. that Charles or any man doesn’t stand a chance in your presence. We women and I really mean myself here so much just forget our power and what it can do when we are in the presence of strong type men whom we love/want and trigger us. Just reading and observing and getting Rori’s tapes and letters and going to my tummy center is making huge differences.
    Cassandra, Love and huge hugs for tomorrow. I wish I had a sister like you, maybe that is what we all are here!

  8.  #8Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    Tina…I just got yout post and the love in what you wrote made me cry….thank you from the bottom of my heart..thank you. I am so glad that you are here and I mean itwhen I say that i can’t wait until you begin to share yourself…your heart with all of us. I have to say that I do have a sister but we are not at all close and have never had the type of relationship that I have wanted… my whole life….I have always felt a hole in my heart because of that…that is until I found Rori and this site. I would be HONORED to consider you a sister along with all of the other amazing women here. Sometimes I wish that we could all really get together in person to be there for one another but I know that everyone is scattered around the globe…but how cool is that to have sisters all over the world that REALLY and TRULY care about you and want youto succeed in every area of your life! I wish I could give you ahuge hug right now Tina! Thank you for being the wonderful gift that you are!
    With love and a huge hug…..

  9.  #9Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Tina….BTW…I have been repeating over and over what you wrote for me to say to Charles so that it ‘gets into my heart’ and then flows naturally and it is definitely something that I would have said exactly in the way that you said it IF I had thought of it so it is coming easily. I am actually excited to say this to him so that is good. We will see what happens. 😉 Thanks again and know that you are a gem!
    Love and another hug..(you can NEVER have too many of those!! 🙂

  10.  #10alias girl on December 17, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    cassandra i was wondering the same thing. if you had used the feeling messages to convey what would feel best for you in this situation. it sounds like you guys haven’t really had an honest conversation about that topic yet. yes good luck with your heart speech.

  11.  #11Cassandra on December 17, 2008 at 7:53 pm

    AG…..I have told him several times that it is really important to me for him to be there but I also understand about him having to work IF he had a load. he does not have a load so I can’t understand. I have told him several times in both feeling messages and just letting him know how important it is to me to have him there. tonight just a little while ago I told him that I know that he can’t be there as he is in another city about 4 hours away waiting until morning to see if he can find a load to bring him back homj so he does not have to drive home empty but that I felt that it would have been really comforting for me to know that tho he can’t be there that he at least WANTED to be there..he said nothing. He gave me absolutely NO SUPPORT whatsoever and even told me that he was tired and wanted to go to bed when I told him that there were some things that i needed to tell him before tomorrow. he did not even want the phone number of our friend who is picking me up and coming to the recovery room withme or the number for the hospital – he said that he was not going to call to check on me that I could call him if I need him. I am honestly not sure if he could have been anymore insensitive, distant or disinterested if he tried. That hurt me more than you could know.

  12.  #12alias girl on December 17, 2008 at 8:42 pm

    cassandra. wow. ok. well you have a great love and support behind you with the women on this website and others as well. know that. this situation could just be the opportunity for you to see things more clearly in regards to charles. ie his capabilities and incapabilities as a partner. you have so much love and light to offer it seems you might do really well with someone who appreciates that and cherishes you. someone you can build a home and family with and walk together through life WITH. TOGETHER.

    i can understand your hurt. i would feel hurt as well. i would feel a deep emptiness about that. in fact, i do feel that way and it is not even my personal situation so i can only imagine how you must feel.

    but you will get through this and be well. and that is the most important thing right now. rest up and keep your energy toward the good/light so you can be in a good place tomorrow.


  13.  #13tina on December 18, 2008 at 9:34 am

    Hi Cassandra,
    Sorry wasn’t able to respond before now.
    I am hoping at this moment you are recovering and will soon write to say you are cozy at home enjoying your yummy snacks!
    I too have a sister a couple of years older and no we are not close the way I would like, isn’t that funny. Yes here we have gfound love.
    I feel sorry about Charles’s response, he sounds familiar in one way, I am sure all of us have seen these reaction in men at some point, even in our fathers. Mine was definetly emotional unavailable, it does have an effect. Main thing is you are open you feel worthy and deserving what he does after you make it clear is not in our control.
    Yes, I will share more with you ladies, I feel embarrased and a bit stupid about a relationship that has lasted so long not yet into marriage, however thru Rori I feel empowered, and braver and smarter as a female. I have my guy hooked yes he is comfortable I feel worthy of it all and FINALLY he feels my vibe .
    Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding movie, about the man being the head and the women being the neck. And the head will only turn to the direction the neck decides., we shall see,

    Long post,
    Major hug and sweet kisses Cassandra, Jesus is with you.

  14.  #14Reshi on December 18, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Hugs and prayers for Cassandra today! My vision for you is that everything goes perfectly well and you recover quickly. <3

  15.  #15alias girl on December 18, 2008 at 11:25 am

    yes love and prayers with cassandra. yes.

  16.  #16Cassandra on December 18, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Hi My Sisters! I am pretty groggy and loopy from the anesthesia so if I start writing about pink hippos please forgive me 🙂 but I wanted to let you all know that I am now home! I am going to go and lay down but before I did anything I wanted to let you all know that due to your prayers and genuine love everything went very well and without a hitch!!!! 🙂 We will not know if they got all of the cancer officially until Tuesday of next week but my Dr. told me that he felt confident that he got it all and i know in my spirit that as TW reminded me the other night…’IT IS DONE!”!

    I simply cannot put into words how much your love, your support, your prayers and your overall genuine concern for me has meant to me…I know that I say this all of the time but it is honestly because that is truly what is on my heart..I am deeply thankful to have you all in my life and I truly do love each and every one of you….each of you are such a tremendous gift to me and I am so thankful for you all. I love you all and going to go lay down but will fill you all in either later on or in the morning. Again thank you all and I love you my Sisters!!
    With so so so much love and HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs from your CANCER FREE sister….xoxoxo

  17.  #17Rori Raye on December 18, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    Brava, Cassandra! Yayy! To you Cancer Free now and forever…you are so brave and a blessing. Love, Rori

  18.  #18Bebe on December 18, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Double YAAYY!! Cassandra, “IT IS DONE”
    Blissful sleep tonight,
    Love Bebe

  19.  #19Daria on December 18, 2008 at 8:24 pm

    Love and flower hugs Cassandra! Thank you for letting us know!

  20.  #20Cassandra on December 19, 2008 at 3:12 am

    Rori, Bebe & Daria,
    Thanks for your love and hugs. Daria..I so often think of the beautiful flower hug that you created and I love it! It is sucha beautiful image in my mind so thank you for that! 🙂 I feel good this morning but can’t sleep hence here I am! 🙂 Again, your support has meant so much to me and I really did feel everyone there with me in spirit! Love you guys so much!

  21.  #21Ann on December 20, 2008 at 1:12 am

    Cassandra, I have to get off the site in a moment. But first, I wanted to let you know how HAPPY I am to hear you’re doing lots better. HUGS keep on taking care of YOU.

  22.  #22Cassandra on December 20, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    Thank you so much for your note! I hope that you are doing well and your note definitely brought me a huge smile. You guys ROCK!!!

  23.  #23Ann on December 21, 2008 at 7:57 pm


    Your welcome. I’m quite please to hear you’re doing better. I stopped in a bit tonight to get a “dose” of whatever it is I need to “hear” here tonight. Boy, that’s a mouthful lol Think I’m taking a cold no wonder the way the weather has been. Ok I’m off to check around the site a bit. Everyone take care. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas.