When You’re In Grief – Don’t Take It Out On HIM

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Here’s a letter from Tammy, who’s in an emotionally painful situation, and it’s slopped over into her relationship.

Is her boyfriend the problem?

I’ve spoken to you one the phone, I’ve bought your programs but I’m in a panic.

I’ve been in a relationship for over two months and its been going well but in the middle of it my Dad has passed away, I’m feeling vulnerable and although my boyfriend is great I still feel a bit insecure.

Last night we drank lots of wine and ended up having a row over nothing. I went to bed and then went back downstairs to tall to him but he blanked me so I told him to get lost and go home!

When I awoke today he had gone and when we spoke he was very cold with me and said that if he was on the sofa and getting told to get out after two months then he couldn’t see it working.

What’s is frustrating is that on yesterday evening he was saying to happy he was and how he fancied me like mad.

I’ve been trying to prepare some feeling messages to say I’m sorry but I’m getting confused. Please can u help me ASAP?

Love Tammy”

From Me:

Tammy– your Dad just died.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your emotions are understandably all over the place… I find it hard to believe that he would end the relationship over this.

As for you….drinking and arguing is a BAD way to deal with this.

You have grief.

You need help with this.

Go to a grief counselor, or to someone at your nearby non-denominational church to help you…work this out with you, and when you’re feeling shaky – share THAT with the man, rather than taking it OUT on him.


Just cry and say how sorry you are for taking this out on him, you’re just emotional over your dad and feeling all weird and vulnerable in the new relationship with him, and don’t explain – just apologize and thank him for being so understanding, and you hear how angry he is, and you get that and are sorry.

That’s it….

You can DO this – AND – he’ll love you MORE for it!

(I’m assuming he’s a good man and was supportive about your dad – if he wasn’t, and instead was all about himself and what he wasn’t getting from YOU –then he’s not a keeper anyway…)

If you believe he’s a good man, and you follow these instructions, you’re telling him you feel safe with him, and that you don’t need to start a fight in order to feel better.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 7, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Thanks again for a great article.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on November 7, 2011 at 7:48 am

    The problem is my overbearing feeling is fear. Almost every time I go deep down that is what I feel. Sometimes my heart feel shaky and sometimes I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Though I have come a very long way and have done tapping over and over again on it, I still feel it.

  3.  #3Starla on November 7, 2011 at 8:25 am

    I’ve lost two friends since I’ve started dating CF.

    It was shaky and insecure, for sure, to deal with this with him. He was very patient and understanding, but I felt mortified of 1. opening up to him and 2. not getting the comfort i needed.

  4.  #4Starla on November 7, 2011 at 8:26 am

    resisiting urge to text CF and say “I miss you just terribly”

    lol, it’s gonna be a long day.

  5.  #5Starla on November 7, 2011 at 8:36 am

    i actually kinda had a hissy fit at him when the second friend died… i apologized and he understood. it’s death. there’s no right way to react. it’s gonna be okay, Tammy:)

  6.  #6Esteemed on November 7, 2011 at 8:54 am


    RE: #2 – I appreciate you on this blog! Thanks for sharing! I like the exercises Rori does with women on “Commitment Blueprint”, when she has them hold common objects and describe how the objects feel to them. Baby steps like that are safe ways to learn to go deep and open up.

  7.  #7Esteemed on November 7, 2011 at 8:59 am


    RE: # – Think warm, soft, open, sandy beach! I’ve got 4 “clean weeks” in with R! If I can do it, anyone can do it, LOL! 😆

  8.  #8Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 9:17 am

    This is long, but I just received this in my email. It was like she wrote it just to me. (And I suspect for a few of you, too…;)

    In Praise Of The Over-Sensitive:

    And as you stand there

    Your eyes brimming with tears because you just saw

    That commercial

    And you are wondering why you even try to maintain your composure when

    Everything you feel shows on your face

    And your heart is permanently attached to

    Your sleeve

    Let us now praise you.

    You, as innocent as that tattered toy you’ll never get rid of.

    You, as vulnerable as the dawn (though everyone thinks you’re as brave as high noon).

    You, with the soul that’s older and deeper than the sea.

    You are beautiful.

    You are the one we turn to when we need a

    Shoulder to cry on

    A hand to hold

    Or just some fervent praise to make us feel good about ourselves.

    You are our biggest fan.

    And while you sometimes get trapped by that voice in your head that says

    You fool

    You fool

    You fool

    Why can’t you just for once

    Go for the money

    Let it slide

    Not take it all so personally

    (Although, how else a person would take it is a bit of a mystery…)

    And why can’t you learn to just

    Suit up and show up and shut up?

    But no.

    Your feelings are how you know you’re alive.

    And while the family you were born into may still call you:

    Sensitive, too sensitive, waaaaaay too sensitive, weird, artsy, melodramatic, a big ol’ drama queen, psychic, unique, odd, old-fashioned, eccentric, misguided, special, tolerant of ambiguity, optimistic, viciously self-critical, expressive, inventive, pollyanna, misunderstood, different, deluded, ambitious, contrary, talkative, awake, gifted, diverse, scary, intense, playful, iconoclastic, independent, freaky, unrealistic or just plain crazy

    You know better than to expect them to understand you.

    And you have made your own

    Family of friends and orphans and strays and

    You would do anything for them

    And have, come to think of it.

    But you don’t keep score like that. Which is a good thing,

    Because you would never come out even.

    You overshare, overcompensate, overthink, overdo, overanalyze, overtalk and

    Overwork – a word for which the past tense is: overwrought.

    You, my beautiful love, are overwrought.

    And we don’t want you any other way.

    For it is you who looks every single homeless person in the eye.

    You who can recall the name, birthdate and astrological sign of every person we’ve ever dated.

    You, who rescues the animals,

    Sings to the children,

    Spots our moment of despair from across the room and rushes in, heedless, to hug and hold us when we never even knew what hit us.

    But you knew.

    You may not believe in psychic ability, but it does seem pretty freaking obvious to you pretty much exactly what is going on with pretty much everybody pretty much all of the time.

    And you can’t believe we can’t see it, too.

    And all that discernment and intuition and, yes, sensitivity, makes

    Going to parties a horror show and

    Getting dressed for parties even worse –

    And not being invited to parties the very worst thing of all.

    But remember about your need for solitude.

    And remember the joy you feel when you lose yourself in your work, your art, your craft.

    And remember, please, to take good care of your tender self and not watch scary movies like the evening news and not hang around negative-toxic-energy-vampire-people and remember to move your seductive body and

    Lift your eyes to the sky because no one knows like you that:

    All This Has Come To Pass.

    And while we all wish you wouldn’t drink so much,

    We understand why you do.

    And we are so grateful to you.

    You are so beautiful.

    And we know that it is not that

    You are over-sensitive,

    It’s just that

    The rest of us are under-sensitive.

    © 2009 Samantha Bennett

  9.  #9Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 9:21 am

    FW #2 interesting that you say this…because I have had fear come up the past two days as OceanCD is showing interest in me….and he seems like one of those guys who is “husband” material…kind and generous…and I feel scared.
    I would like to heal this….
    Thank you for sharing your feelings…

  10.  #10Mel on November 7, 2011 at 9:25 am

    OMG Tiffany,

    Loved that poem! Thanks. 🙂

  11.  #11Starla on November 7, 2011 at 9:25 am

    leaning back leaning back leaning back

  12.  #12mali on November 7, 2011 at 9:25 am

    @8- Tiffany:

    THIS IS ME. Crying so hard reading this. THIS IS ME.

    And I really don’t want it to be me, sometimes.

    Thankyou so very much, I love it!

  13.  #13Mel on November 7, 2011 at 9:27 am


    You can make it through the day, I know it! 😉

    He is so absolutely besotted with you that he needs “alone time” in-between encounters to ground himself… otherwise he would get absolutely nothing done!

  14.  #14Femininewoman on November 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Starla this was in Rori’s recent email:-

    To REVERSE this:
    1. Step BACK.
    I know how hard this is – and yet it WORKS.
    It works – as long as you don’t FAKE it.
    You can’t PRETEND to “Step-Back” – that’s just old-fashioned “playing hard-to-get” – and though it might work for a day, or even a week, it won’t last much more than that.
    A man will pick up right away that you’re just playing ‘a game” – and it will make you come across even needier and more desperate than before – with the ADDED non-attractive quality of him thinking you’re dishonest.
    The trick here is to NOT play a game – but to actually Step Back for reasons of your OWN.
    For GOOD reasons – reasons you’ve discovered for YOURSELF.
    2. Stop Doing “Giving” Things.
    No matter how desperate you feel, if you STOP DOING all those giving things you’re doing – the words of love, the emails, the reaching out – you will bring him back.
    And you can simply STOP doing these things without playing games or making phoney excuses.
    The truth is – those things are things YOU’VE been doing for HIM – and so you can stop doing them WITHOUT having to EXPLAIN at all!
    Yet, I know how easy it is to just say STOP.
    It’s like saying “Just relax.”
    Yeah, it makes sense, but how do you do it?
    That’s what my Tools are for.
    You have me helping you feel so much stronger – so that you can actually stay away from the phone and the computer.
    So that you can stop initiating contact and stop initiating “love talk” and stop trying to push and pull him down the Relationship Timeline.
    So that you can give him some room to move TOWARD you.

  15.  #15Daria on November 7, 2011 at 9:47 am

    I feel moved and crying by the poem as well

  16.  #16Mel on November 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Still loving that poem!

    I suspect that a lot of us on here are “overly sensitive”….

  17.  #17Daria on November 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

    i suspect every woman is sensitive

  18.  #18Starla on November 7, 2011 at 10:26 am

    I’m dyin over here lol

  19.  #19Daria on November 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

    slammo – daria witticism. omg i feel bad.

    sorry for getting all competitive *I* *I* *I*

    yes i had an interesting idea, and the context right now was a bit competitive, like those small ‘im better than you’ things

    i wouldn’t like it to me


    learning to communicate and express gently, gently

  20.  #20Daria on November 7, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Starla – oh i just figured out why you’re dying

    dang that must feel kinda weird like being all charged up

    if this was me maybe i would smoke some weed and go pleasure myself and have an orgasm in the bathroom

    or i would pick some other really fun things to do or think about just a lil bit

    like well right now im thining of a mountain by the sea

    and it would feel fun to think about a dragon

    and also i love the sheets and the view from here

    and that i can warm and soon elongate my body and i will feel like heaven, heaven

    and maybe put some yummy food together

    and make cool clothes


    yo no quiero yearning

    yo do quiero lil people to hang out with me and a man that will feel so FUN!

  21.  #21Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 10:33 am

    I feel like I’m getting closer to opening my heart…but still feeling so scared…

  22.  #22Starla on November 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

    thanks, Daria! I’m at work…so I’m…pulling data into reports. LOL lame

  23.  #23Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 10:38 am

    I am still catching up on the blog from the previous post….I’m not totally caught up on what’s going on with Starla…Ella…etc….
    I can tell some changes are happening from glancing thru the comments, but will have a chance later today to catch up on the details….hugs….

    OceanCD and I have been corresponding via email…and he is so nice, and omg he seems so normal! What a concept and a refreshing blessing!

    OMG I feel shame for this…..
    I feel shallow………..

    ….I keep thinking about the fact that he is “short” …we are about the same height. 🙁 I want to heal this and “not care” and wear heels anyway and not feel weird.

    Is this possible? Is it just me finding an excuse and something “wrong” with him because I’m scared of finding the “one” and remaining with an open heart?

    I try to picture myself with a family and happily living in a home with someone, and it’s hard for me soemtimes because I don’t know how to imagine myself! I feel self conscious and scared

  24.  #24Starla on November 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

    i’m seriously just hovering over the thought of telling him that i *do* want to see him tonight even though i told him that he can’t come for a “short” visit because it’ll inevitably turn into hours and hours, plus i wanted more formal plans ahead of time.

  25.  #25Starla on November 7, 2011 at 10:50 am

    he hasn’t even called me! i must lean back!!

    I sent him a picture message yesterday morning (leaning forward) of the roses he gave me that are next to my bed, saying “these are the first thing I see when I wake up and they make me smile.”
    He wrote back an hour later when he woke up, “Yay! I’m glad you dig em 😀 and it makes me smile to wake up to a wonderful text from my sweetheart…it’s gonna be a good day”

    he’s gonna need to learn to call me lolololol


    he’s so clearly into me but holding back. wtffffff

    last night i started crying at home alone because i felt overwhelmed with how wonderful i think he is. it was a happy cry. i don’t have those usually.

  26.  #26Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Starla he may be rubberbanding….
    Have you read about this in Rori’s writings…??

  27.  #27Starla on November 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

    yes i read about rubberbanding

    hehe don’t mind me, i’m just SPAZZING THE EFF OUT

  28.  #28Emoticon on November 7, 2011 at 11:02 am

    hey Sirens

  29.  #29Starla on November 7, 2011 at 11:13 am

    i just need to survive this little fit until it passes.

    i’m not feeling pessimistic or worried – just IMPATIENT!

  30.  #30Femininewoman on November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

  31.  #31Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:16 am

    I meant to say, in relation to the previous topic, I fully believe that weigh gain is tied in with inability to deal with our emotions.

    From my own experience, and that of my friends, and also several stories from women on here who have then lost weight as they have found new ways to deal with their emotions.

    I am making this a big part of the work I am doing in the Zumba weight loss sessions I am setting up.

    I truly believe when we can learn to process our emotions in a healthy way, generally our weight will balance.

    We may also need to change a few habits and make some changes in our lifestyle, educate ourselves about good nutrition and find pleasurable ways to become more active. And way may also need to experiment with what works for us.

    However I believe that dealing with our emotions gives us the foundations to hang the other skills on.

    I have updated the page on my website dedicated to weight loss and emotions.

  32.  #32Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Hmmmm, I want to lean forward with CD1


    Starla I have his Roses right by my bed too…

    Maybe I could send him a picture.


    Nothing since my slightly off key text on Friday.


  33.  #33Starla on November 7, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Ella, i’m glad i sent the picture message…it was authentic and inspired. he might appreciate it.

    just…you know…no attachment to outcome.

  34.  #34Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:34 am

    No, its no good…

    Mine wouldn’t be authentic sharing…

    It would be like ‘hello, I am still here, hurry up and call me!!’

    So No.

    I’m going to stay leaned back.

    Just clucking for my CF!

    Urgh, Blurgh.

    F8ck it, I’ve got a date scheduled really soon and it is cold and wet outside and I don’t even feel like going.

    Don’t feel like I have the energy for a man right now… although I know we are sposed to be the ones recieveing.


  35.  #35Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Highly suspicious that I am just addicted to the pining though… cus when CD1 was here… and offering to stay, and being real… I wasn’t sure I wanted him here at all!

    Wow, what a horrible confession.

    That I can’t do real, and I am better with piney, pretend relationships.

    That feels so icky.

    Babysteps. Babysteps.

    Still wish CD1 would just show up now though.

    Ummmm. That would feel good.

  36.  #36Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:40 am

    OMG I am feeling so judgemental of a POF guy who just contacted me…

    I am feeling all superior… don’t know why.

    Anyway, now I really must drag myself up and go for this date.

  37.  #37Ella on November 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Why do I always want what I don’t have



  38.  #38mali on November 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Sirens, I have a question.

    I re added my “friend” on my facebook account; I realised that I was okay with him being in my life, if only being present on there.

    But ofcourse, he noticed that I had re-added him, and asked whether I had a duplicate account… to which I said this was the only account I had!

    I said that “I deleted a few people as I’ve been using this as my personal blog over the past couple of weeks, and I wasn’t comfortable with everyone reading my thoughts”

    To which he said, “So now I’m just “people” eh??”

    Part of me felt bad, and part of me felt really turned off. I know we’re friends, to him atleast, but I am not going to mother him. NO I refuse to do it, and I don’t feel good about doing it.

    But, do I reply? I don’t really know what to say…

    Any input would be really appreciated.

  39.  #39Lyka on November 7, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Wait…are guys supposed to call/text us everyday? :/

  40.  #40Ella on November 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Lyka re 39,

    No, guys are not supposed to do anything… they do what they do.

    For me personally I prefer regular contact. And yes actually every day would feel great.

  41.  #41Sammie on November 7, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    I would appreciate some help in a script on what to say to a guy online. I”m looking for my happy ever after although I haven’t written that in an email yet. Do I go ahead and meet for wine or say something about wanting something serious??

    I received the following back from this new guy online. He started with an email on whether he could ask me questions. I answered and this is part of what I got back (minus info about the areas in which we live…)

    Your profile has me curious. I’m not looking or ready to get serious. But I can be a special someone to talk about the day’s events and a guy to have some fun with. I dont care for dancing but I do like all of the other things you mention.

    About a glass of wine and a place to talk. Have you ever heard of _______ Bar/Resturaurt? It is a nice small clean place that I like to meet at. Perhaps we can exchange some more email and then meet for a glass of wine and some slow casual conversation ?

    I am always free from kids on thursday nights but I can also get away other weeknights and of couse on weekends.

    Thanks for any thoughts you may have in how to handle this one. Do I go for the free therapy? Or, take him off my list since he doesn’t want anything serious? Or, take the opportunity to state what I’m looking for?


  42.  #42Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Emerson – “I try to picture myself with a family and happily living in a home with someone, and it’s hard for me soemtimes because I don’t know how to imagine myself! I feel self conscious and scared”

    oh goodie! once i started practicing this, it now is going better and better!

    i couldn’t IMAGINE happy love for me (i was getting mucho pictures of tragic, missing out on the love of my life and wasting away to death in unfulfilled yearning images instead)

    even a lil glimmer was enough, even if i was REALLY REALLY pushing to make it up

    now this is all i DO is imagine wonderful relationship when i talk to a man. its so fun and they get really engaged talking about it with me and my vision and desire details just grows and it feels SO pleasurable and also ATTAINABLE and even EASY .

    so wanted to reach out and say i really remember those days when marriage or happy love for me was a “NO! NOT FOR ME POSSIBILITY” and that by intending and just accepting every babystep i am so far along now and feeling HAPPY RELIEVED AND FREE AND CURIOUS AND LIKE IVE REALLY HEALED ALL THAT TRAGEDY

  43.  #43Starla on November 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    LOL *staring at phone*

  44.  #44Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    for me nowadays i feel ‘kinda’ surprised at myself – i really actually don’t like guys to call me unless they’re calling for the first time, or calling to make a plan to see me

    i don’t like it when they just call for no reason. the voice in my head is like, i don’t have time for phone chit chat – although 10 min does feel good and i appreciate it when it does – are you calling to MAKE A PLAN WITH ME or WHAT??


    i have fun things to do in my time and i like my men right there and touching me not just talking

    that being said, i do feel good when a man is otherwise not able to reach me but is doing the most he can to connect (like if he was on a trip and calling or something like that)

  45.  #45Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    I would like to GAIN weight, in my butt and my thighs

    and actually i feel triggered thinking about this

    i feel angry at myself

    saying “you are betraying your body by wanting to change it”

    “you will nto be satisfied”

    and then i logically and soothingly say “it’s my body and its in motion transformation so it is totally ok to shift it how i want right now, and shift it again and again if i want to.”

    “my body CAN do this so it’s ok to do this”

    i am not betraying my family or culture or embarassing myself because i want to and enjoy partaking in this trend of look

    omg that felt so tight in my tummy

    i feel so glad i am writing about it

    i love you daria than you for writing about this triggering feelingstuff

    you so come trhu for me and dare for me and suffer*strike out*are willing to feel uncomfortability to help me grow and be happy

    all tightened up




  46.  #46Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Mali – “so im just people ey”

    i can see how he got triggered, can you? and so what

    this is not a call to mother him – check out that trigger and pattern that brought your thoughts to that! wow how interesting

    you can reframe this as, he doesn’t WANT to be ‘just people’. of course! and how sweet and flattering too

    i would say something like, aww actually i feel kidna etc feelings for you and i felt embarassed … this was what was going on for me what do you think?

    or even… ‘hey im noticing i feel easily angry at you, i feel attracted to you and feel like im yearning for you and actually it feels awful, what can we do?”

    ‘or aww, it feels good that you want to be more than just people hehe’

  47.  #47Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Correction: I can see how he MIGHT have gotten triggered here

    Might have, cuz he actually doesn’t sound that triggered… He sounds like he’s FLIRTING with you…

    I don’t see you really sharing what’s going on w u, just kinda being evasive and yet getting mad at him in your mind…

    What do you think?

  48.  #48Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Correction: I can see how he MIGHT have gotten triggered here

    Might have, cuz he actually doesn’t sound that triggered… He sounds like he’s FLIRTING with you…

    I don’t see you really sharing what’s going on w u, just kinda vague and superficial – thats ok but perhaps it doesnt feel good to you? And it’s holding back? – and yet getting mad at him in your mind…

    What do you think?

  49.  #49Daria on November 7, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Sammie – go for the free therapy AND you can mention you want something serious then if you want

    but mostly meet with any man who wants to take you out and practice tools such as leaned back body posture, 5 second smile, listening at level 2 and 3, and feeling messages

  50.  #50mali on November 7, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Daria: Thanks for your response, and it’s giving me a lot to think about.

    He could have been flirting, but it sounds to me more that he feels hurt! I’m not sharing what’s going on with me, because I’m so SCARED. I’ve liked him for a while, but because we’re not in touch too often, we haven’t had this conversation.

    I didn’t feel good reading his comment, because I took it as him being hurt, and wanting validation that I do care about him.

    I didn’t even consider that he could be flirting. But to be so honest with him about being attracted etc- I don’t feel comfortable in saying that over facebook.

    I’m feeling so scared, Daria. We’re friends, but in saying anything directly about being more than friends- that scares me so badly, because I’m scared of rejection. And I don’t feel I should be doing that anyway…

    How do I tackle this? I’m feeling really overwhelmed, confused, and scared.

  51.  #51Starla on November 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    i’m still spazzzzin da eff outttttttt

  52.  #52Starla on November 7, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    part of it is i haven’t had a cigarette in a week, and i was only smoking around him…he would share his smokes with me when we hung out.

    so i could also just be pining for a smoke.

    But the idea is that the next time i see him, i’ll ask him not to smoke around me. cuz i gotta quit!

    ack! leaning back SUCKS.

  53.  #53Daria on November 7, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Mali – i can imagine it feels scary. i would check with myself how I’m feeling and then find the words that really express that for me

    not about him and how i feel about him necessarily, but about how to best fully express whats really going on for me in the moment

    it might involve sharing that you don’t feel comfortable with just friendship, sharing that you feel terrified to talk about this, sharing that you feel confused, embarassed… or maybe not even those things but whatever feels true for you

    sometimes when it feels really scary, i just write it on blog or say it to myself the real deal as if i were saying it to a friend – like you have been doing here –

    and then letting the courage to actually say it to HIM come up later…


  54.  #54Daria on November 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    its also comforting to me to know that i dont HAVE to say it to him… and actually that’s when i start to actually WANT to say it to him hehe

    in your case you don’t really ‘have to’ say anything with this man, but it sounds like you are building resentment towards him and that won’t feel good for you

  55.  #55Daria on November 7, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    “No matter how desperate you feel, if you STOP DOING all those giving things you’re doing – the words of love, the emails, the reaching out – you will bring him back.

    The truth is – those things are things YOU’VE been doing for HIM – and so you can stop doing them WITHOUT having to EXPLAIN at all!”

    omg i can do this

    words of love the emails the reaching out

    even the support for his music

    yes yes yes even that

    just try it


    i love you

    you are so gonna be even better thank ok

    i feel sad!

    i love your sadness

  56.  #56mali on November 7, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Daria, Thankyouthankyouthankyou <3

    I so appreciate your thoughts- flipping it around and seeing it from another perspective really helps. I find it really easy to shut down so that I don't have to face possible rejection- NV's coming in here from when I was younger.

    I AM loveable. I AM. I am gorgeous and wonderful, and any man would be lucky to have me, YES.

    I need to try and remain open, even when I'm scared. And voice that I'm feeling terrified and uncomfortable and bleurgh-y, and insecure.

    My logical side is asking why I have anything to be scared of- I'm beautiful, I have a beautiful perosnality. My pictures show it, my friends say it. But NV's are coming in. He's said to me on several occasions, "You're just too nice!", and the association I make with it is that it's a negative thing i.e. pushover.

    *sigh* Babysteps, babysteps, babysteps. If he contacts me, I'll have to be really honest about how I feel. But in the meantime, breathe, breathe, breathe.

  57.  #57Daria on November 7, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Mali – hehe it feels fun to read your comments on this

    and actually, you don’t HAVE to be really honest about how you feel… 🙂

    but it WILL feel better

  58.  #58mali on November 7, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    You’re absolutely right- I do NOT want to feel resentment towards him. None, whatsoever. he hasn’t done anything wrong. I shouldn’t be expecting anything from him. No.

    Breathe, breathe, breaatheeee and let it goooo…. I love me. I love me. I love me. Whewwww…

  59.  #59Daria on November 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Mali – yeah, but you did feel resentment… and that is ok…

    he may not have done anything wrong, but something about the situation doesn’t feel good to you

  60.  #60Starla on November 7, 2011 at 1:59 pm


  61.  #61mali on November 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Daria- I do feel resentment, because he’s very charming to me, and he treats me so well.
    But on occasion, he hasn’t gotten back to me when meeting up in his town. An I’ve felt really hurt. An so it’s become resentment. I don’t wanna feel resentful towards him 🙁
    The idea of being rejected scares me so badly.
    I’m very, very sensitive. So his not getting back to me when he’s said he will… I feel bad about it.

    And yay! I’m really enjoying talking to you, Daria. It fee;s good, and I feel supported =)

  62.  #62mali on November 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Feeling so shaky. So scared. Breathee!

  63.  #63Lyka on November 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Ella – #40:

    Oh, ok. For me, once or twice a week is fine. Apart from the week when he had issues with his neighbour where we talked every single night, we’ve been keeping the calls to a minimum. And it’s long distance for him but not for me, strangely…

  64.  #64Katt on November 7, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Hi all,
    Im using the reconnect program, using it as my bible… just pop that cd in and listen. I spent the entire weekend glued to the ebook, the cd’s and the blog..
    I miss him though, but im leaning back…
    I havent heard from him in 2 weeks now, after 2 1/2 yrs.. i found out he had put a dating site profile up and confronted him by copy and pasting the profile along with an email.. telling him how destroyed i was.. yeah. i know.. i should have had a drink or gone for a walk anything but send that damn email. Just a defensive reply and nothing from him at all..
    I know im suppose to DO nothing, just lean back.. let him make a move… But will he? Is this going to be the end of a invested 2 1/2 yr relationship? It makes me angry, that i meant so little to him, if it is! I understand men dont do the time thing..why oh why did god do this? Make 2 very different species’s and try and get them together… All i know is despite the lie…. the distance and his stubbornness, i miss everything about him..and i just want to hear his voice again..so this is where i came instead. He was angry at his daughter for 3 weeks and didnt speak to her…i might still be able to turn this around.. but i cant if he wont call me damnit lol Thanks for listening…time for more cd’s… Im working on ME thinking about him less and less..24/7..Tears still sneak out when i allow myself to think about not ever smelling him again or seeing that gorgeous smile..back to the cd’s thanks again

  65.  #65Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    So glad everyone enjoyed the poem! It struck a chord with me, and I had a feeling it would here, too! 🙂

  66.  #66luzydel on November 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    I’m holding into some big emotions and I feel like running away. I am falling for this guy, he is so nice and sweet etc. an I am feeling so overwhelmed. In a few occasions I’ve tried to push him a way and in some cases try to make it look like he is the one pushing me away. I feel afraid because I am falling for him and that makes me feel vulnerable. I feel like hiding…I am not even thinking if he feels the same way or not, I am just thinking that I am going to get hurt…:-(

  67.  #67Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    So. I’ve been really communicative today…

    I just sent out an email to my friends, requesting referrals for clients (and an incentive, too 🙂

    I sent a couple texts to TDH/Sweetieface – no, let’s call him A. I know I wasn’t “supposed” to, probably. But I did give it a few days. I just mentioned the food he left here. And then I thanked him. That was it. Just thanks, not asking for anything, not suggesting anything. I don’t even have an expectation of what I’ll hear back. And I feel fine. I suppose if I followed it up with something needy then I would feel bad. But I actually feel okay. I know what he does is up to him. and I know how I feel – I like him. Plain and simple.

    And this feels amazing and strange, because I am not *used* to liking guys. Usually, when they like me, I find some reason to not like them back. Or some reason why the relationship “can’t work.” I’m not experiencing that. I’m not having an urge to run or push him away. But I *am* noticing that I do have to be very careful about what I say – because he actually listens to me! Which, again, is amazing.

    I am just kind of reveling in the feeling. And kind of grateful that he’s giving me all this time to process my experience, so that I *don’t* get freaked out.

    I do kind of want to have a conversation with him some time about how often I we see each other, or he contacts me. I would like it to be more – not much more, just a little. And I’d like to be able to express this in feeling messages and to be sure that I don’t sound like I’m blaming him.

    But all in good time…

  68.  #68Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Luzydel – ((hugs!))

  69.  #69Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    I am composing a message to V as well. It is not related to dating. In fact, I want it to be about business. It has been on my mind for a long time to write to him, and I think that I am not, out of fear – intimidating myself.

    So my practice in this is not to succumb to the fear, because the fear is fake. It is not real. It is not the same as my “intuition.” Because my intuition keeps telling me to write to him! lol

    I am just afraid that it won’t be received, or in the way I want it to. but i guess I can’t control that. I just have to put it out there and see what happens…

  70.  #70Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Sirens, I really don’t like “dating” guys I’m not attracted to…but I do get the practice concept…
    Like with ParisCD I had to practice my boundaries and communication…
    He seems to be into me but I’m not feeling it…..

    Anyway…your feedback please….

    When you are not feeling any attraction for a guy and prob think you will not go out with them again and they start mentioning where to go next time or I will take you here or there…..

    do you just go along with it??

    Or do you say otherwise? I usually keep silent and just let him talk/dream/imagine what it would be like to hang out with me again…lol…
    but not sure if that is the right way.

  71.  #71Ella on November 7, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    HI Emerson,

    I know how you feel!

    I would probably go for the totally honest route…. and say ‘well I have not decided whether I want to go out again yet’ all said with a big smile of course.

    Cus just because I am not attracted does not mean I do not appreciate him as a man.

  72.  #72Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    71 @ Ella…thanks for that feedback..
    I like that approach…
    hmm 🙄
    I worry that I will come accross as snide…or snotty…
    I’m really really working on my feminine side and softness…I think I tend to come accross a little brash sometimes.
    I will perhaps practice your suggestion in the mirror.

  73.  #73Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    I’m getting excited about the holidays! I’m travelling to spend a week with my family…

  74.  #74Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    I had a random CD from ages and ages ago pop back up via email…so funny how they trickle back around…why??

    Where is ALIAS GIRL!!??

  75.  #75Ella on November 7, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Hmmmm, weird date tonight.

    2nd date with CD3.

    He is all like super into me… and he is also super wanting to know what I am thinking/feeling the whole time.

    And he also come across quite insecure, although he tries really hard to cover it up and uses humour to conceal.

    And he worked out that I had a date since the last time I saw him and he got kinda cross and said he thought it was wrong and he would never do it, and he felt disappointed.

    He made some comments and tried to conceal them in humour however they didn’t feel funny, just bad, so I said that it felt bad and he kept saying lighten up and I just stuck to how I was feeling.

    Then he was all like really wanting to touch me and saying how attracted he is and I felt quite overwhelmed and uncomfortable and I sat with it and stuck to my boundaries.

    And he triggered me quite a lot with constantly trying to establish where we were with things, and whether I liked him, and whether the signs were good or bad and I felt exasperated and go quite annoyed.

    And I realised I was being made to play the baddie in the dynamic or the biatch. And it is not a way of being that I am usually comfortable with, however I decided to just go with that. And get comfortable with feeling like that.

    And when I was feeling angry he wanted to kiss me and I said no and then at the end he wanted to kiss me again and I said yes and I let him and I was unsure whether I would like it… my instinct was to pull away, and I just stood there and let him kiss me and actually it was ok.

    Not amazing, but ok… kinda nice… but I couldn’t do it for long.

    It was a weird date and I feel unclear how I feel. However amazing practice.

    And great for practicing sticking my ground.

  76.  #76Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Ella it felt fascinating to read about your date….wow girl good work sticking to your feelings/boundaries!

  77.  #77Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Oh I feel scared and like running when a date starts feeling bad/weird/negative….
    I just want to get up and leave.

  78.  #78Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    I absolutely love how much I’ve learned on this blog, it’s been so liberating!
    I have learned that it is not weird or bad to have feelings and (gasp) even express them to MEN of all people! Wow, such a new concept for me….that I’ve begun practicing this year…and it’s just amazing how much better I feel inside.

  79.  #79Sammie on November 7, 2011 at 5:04 pm


    Thanks for the feedback! Sometimes it feels confusing when to set boundaries and state how I feel.

    And, I have gone out with many unavailable men, so don’t want another! I am right now – twelve days into No Contact with a guy I’ve been seeing for four years. I’ve been CD’ing off and on, but feel that he has been my man crack. Ughhh – But there are a handful of guys that I”m emailing with.

    Tomorrow is my birthday…Going to just breathe and be nice to me while I work a full day and then out to dinner with some family…. 🙂


  80.  #80Ella on November 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    One thing I noticed with CD3 tonight is that it didn’t feel fun with him constantly worrying about whether I liked him and was going to see him again… like he couldn’t be there in the moment.

  81.  #81Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    I feel so junior next to you girls! 🙂 Like you know everything and you have all the answers! I enjoy reading you even tought I don’t feel too comfortable answering right now…

    So this is day 2 with no text or call from E. 2 days since he let me quit the club and didn’t run after me… And I didn’t lean foward either. I even turned off my Facebook chat when I saw he was online. I did not wanted to look like I didn’t want to talk to him, CAUSE I WANNA TALK TO HIM SO BADELY!!! Anyway I know I will see him next Monday, since one of my friend got us some hockey tickets. So I’m not feeling too afraid that I will never heard from him again. Is that manupulating? Grrr I feel awful that maybe it looks like manipulation. I’m trying to get out of that patern!!

    Instead of texting him, I texted P (ex boyfriend) this morning. I just said “good monday” and he replied “you too” with a kiss. I know it would have feel better to be surprised by a message from him even if I had to wait a few days. Not really a better idea to text him instead of E. Right now I feel I want him back in my life even if I know it can not really work. We went for a drink last Thursday, in “friends” we said. But we ended up flirting and kissing… bad bad idea for my little heart. Or maybe I’m just trying to catch his attention. I’m a little bit lost about my feelings for him.

    And anyway I think that the better choice for me would be E. But grrr the mistake I might have done with him Saturday!!

    Is it bad to go from one man to the other like that? Because they’re not really circular dating, because I have some feelings for both of them.B ut it’s only casual dating, since no commitment. Or isn’t it? I don’t feel too familiar with all the terms and the glossary.

    Ahhhh I’m so lost. And I feel bad having feelings for 2 guys. I feel like I’m playing a game, trying to have attention from both of them so I can make my choice. All of you seem to be sad not to date guys you’re attracted to, but I’m dating 2 guys I am attracted to and I’m not sure it feels better! I’d like to have CDs that I don’t really care about…

    What do you think?

  82.  #82Esteemed on November 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    R has been texting me a lot tonight! Our first contact in a month! Totally good vibes and I feel so happy!

    I had a nice, long talk with K, too.

  83.  #83Ella on November 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Emerson re 76 Thanks 🙂

    Re 77 – I actually like to sit there and practice feeling my feelings… and expressing them. Uncomfortable and also amazing/empowering/magical.

    However I would leave if I felt unsafe or really, really bad.


  84.  #84Ella on November 7, 2011 at 5:21 pm


    It is perfectly fine to see as many men as you want. Very Sireny in fact.


  85.  #85Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    To see AND have feelings for all these men?

  86.  #86Ella on November 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Yep 🙂

    Rori’s programme Targeting Mr Right goes into detail about this…

  87.  #87rose on November 7, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    it’s getting pretty eerie how appropriate Rori’s messages are to my life.

    dad got sick. a boy i was dating was very supportive. we did not fight. he dumped me ( 2 months we were together, and not exclusive, and one day he just texted me how busy he is and made no plans to see me again or call me. he’s been very good at not contacting me. A+).

    so i’m feeling pretty low lately. i am getting professional help, and it’s super helpful to have a place to vent. but i feel very rejected, trying to be optimistic, that i will get asked out again eventually. and it is just hard when everything kinda sucks and i got so used to getting messages from this guy. and I miss him.

    and when i do get asked out, it’s good to know that i can share with the guy how upset i am about my dad being sick. i guess it shouldn’t be a sign of weakness, but it’s scary to be that vulnerable. and so much easier to get angry at the guy for some stupid shit he does.

    ramble ramble. 🙂

  88.  #88Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I have read only Have the relationship you want. Will start the rest of the program very soon. Wondering if I should start with Modern Siren or Targeting Mr Right…

  89.  #89Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Sirens….I have to remind myself…silence is ok…if I don’t know what to say, I can say oww…I feel uncomfortable being asked that….or I can practice smiling and silence and say mmmm……and not answer directly. I wish I had another day off to go do this tomorrow. But it’s back to work. 🙁

  90.  #90Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 6:38 pm


    I feel like calling P right now and asking him if what we did last week was just… very casual, very no feelings, just because I was there and he was there… ohh I don’t want to think about what it was!

    I cannot call him. I cannot call him. I cannot call him. I cannot call him. I cannot call him!!!

    And I feel like crying. I haven’t cry for like 2 weeks. I was feeling very happy and on a cloud in the last two weeks. But suddently…

    No, I cannot call him! But I’m dieing to know what he thinks, and (shame on me to think this) to beg him to come back…

  91.  #91Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    I feel very alone on this blog. Where is everyone?

  92.  #92Starla on November 7, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    here i am, still leaning back!

    it’s been VERY hard. but i haven’t leaned forward in the slightest.

    i talked to my best friend for a good hour and a half on the phone which diffused some of my urgent energy. It feels good to talk to her because she is from another country where relationships are more traditional and serious, so she sees it as the man should lead, and we should always defer to our men when possible, which ultimately looks like Rori’s 4 rules as we know them. She said how she lets her man lead all the time, even when she would prefer something different if given the option, or even when she would go about a task differently than he’s doing it, because she would much rather let him peacefully run the show without second guessing him, so that when SHE wants to be in control it has a lot more meaning that she wants to have a say, and he of course gives her that say.

    might sound crazy old fashioned to you all, but i really appreciate this mind-set.

  93.  #93Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Hi Lizka 🙂

  94.  #94Starla on November 7, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Lizka – here I am. Here we are, trying like hell to keep leaning back. Team Lean Back.

    You’re doing great! What can you do to take care of yourself tonight? I’m going to watch some of my favorite tv show, eat a dinner of organic veggies, and put a conditioning mask on my hair.

  95.  #95Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Team Lean Back, I like! <3

    It's already late here. I was watching a TV show but this is what made me feel sad… I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette outside, take some "fresh" air, and go to bed… No time to do something to take care of myself 🙁 Maybe read some of your post a little bit in my bed. This made me feel really good and hopeful in the last days.

    I'll just try to keep leaning back as hard as I can.

    Thank you for your support Starla!

  96.  #96Lizka on November 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Hi Emerson! Sorry I just saw your message! 🙂

  97.  #97Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Gnite Lizka…tomorrow is a new day…

  98.  #98Starla on November 7, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Lizka, you’re welcome n goodnight. I’m here all day trying to lean the eff back…join me any time haha.

    sigh, breaking old habits is hard. i’ve felt the compulsion to lean forward and over function with this man all day long. i am feeling really excited that i actually made it another day without leaning forward. that means a whole day that i didn’t give into the pressure of anxiety and wanting to control and fear of the unknown and fear of rejection and fear fear fear.

    i feel great!

  99.  #99Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Hm…I don’t know if I’ve broken old habits, or just learned how to beat myself up less when I do something I don’t like. Does that count?

    Ella, I feel like responding to something you posted in the previous thread about being confused about boundaries. I think you were talking abt something else, bit I’m thinking of the boundary of sex “without a commitment.”

    I think that’s a fine boundary to have, and a very worthy one. But what if it’s just not my boundary? If it’s not, and I say it is, then i’ll just come out sounding fake.

    My only real boundary with A was “no fwb.” So, to me, if I’m choosing to sleep with him, then it’s not because I believe or expect there to be a commitment. It’s just what I want to do. And I don’t have to call it anything. It can be undefined, and I’m…okay with that. There’s a lot of freedom in it. I’m not attached to what happens next. New actions reveal new patterns…

    Omg, but I had the most embarrassing experience, ladies. On Saturday morning, fully two days after A was at my house, I noticed that I had taped rori’s mantra to my cupboard & left it there! He probably totally saw it. In a fit of embarrassment, I took it down & threw it out. I felt so silly! I wonder what he thought of that. Lol.

  100.  #100Tiffany on November 7, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    So much for trusting boundaries…lol. or, I guess, I did, in a way. That’s probably why I feel okay. But following feelings, choosing words and being surprised? Oh, yes.

  101.  #101Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    I am feeling the urgency factor over this past weekend…afraid I’ve “missed the boat” to have a chance at a family and husband…etc…..
    I hate feeling like this.

    I need to go back and re-read the article about not having urgency…if I can find it…

    I want to live in the NOW….not rehash why I don’t have kids already or why I was in this or that relationship and wasted my precious 30’s!! Oh my gosh…it’s making me feel sick right now…I never thought I’d be alone….

    like how did this happen? I feel like I turned into one of the “pathetic” middle aged women I used to be so judgmental about….

    I was such a horrible person inside….
    Why was I so judgmental??
    I feel shame and guilt about it
    I feel scared to admit it
    I feel relieved to express it
    I feel sad that I had that darkness in me
    I feel sad for the me back then because I was so sad too….

  102.  #102Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    help help help…I’m feeling panicky

    I need to breathe and relax…

    Oh I feel scared and panicked…
    that perhaps I’ve “missed” the boat due to my stupid choices…dumb girl for staying with the wrong man…
    I hate it
    I hate me for doing that
    I don’t want to talk harsh to myself
    But I don’t feel like saying I love myself at all right now

  103.  #103Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Gawsh I am feeling such urgency…I don’t want to feel this way…why can’t I just be normal???
    I hate this
    It’s because of my family history of abuse that has not been healed
    That’s why I’m so screwed up and I feel angry about it!!!! I feel angry that people lie and act like it’s all ok when it is certainly not!!
    I feel so mad!

  104.  #104Butterfly Wings on November 7, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    23: Emerson – TH is shorter than me in heels (I wear them pretty high though) and because he’s not bothered, then I’m not. He’s actually been very clear about that and he LOVES when I wear them!

    But really small feet? Uh, I can’t deal with those! Funny huh?? My ex #2 had small feet although he was 6″3′, and it just didn’t seem… “right”! lol

  105.  #105Starla on November 7, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    this has been a lovely night of epiphanies and self-assuredness. I feel wonderful and safe. I wish I could put into words very well what i’m feeling. let’s just say i was reminded of my POP (purpose on the planet) and had a clear moment where i could see myself being characterized by that no matter what was happening with me romantically.

    i was reminded of how crazy strong and brave i am, and who i really am deep down (independent of any relationships…just me), and this great ease came down around me, and all my worries about what anything with any guy means dissolved… and i’m feeling all smirky to myself, like, how lucky am i – if things don’t work out with any man, i get to be with MYSELF…crazy strong brave me. That sounds pretty awesome, actually!

  106.  #106Starla on November 7, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Hey Emerson, sorry, I must be a little behind. Are you feeling panicky still?

  107.  #107Starla on November 7, 2011 at 9:24 pm

    This is a cool free site with lots of relaxing and soothing youtube videos…enjoy! http://www.soothetube.com/

  108.  #108Butterfly Wings on November 7, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks for the birthday wishes in the previous post ladies! I’ve had a great day and have pampered myself a bit and bought some nice things! 🙂

    I may be 40, but I definitely still have it! I attracted plenty of attention today while out shopping with my eldest daughter, and even ex coworker last night was pretty full-on. He asked me if I would have gone on a “proper” date with him if I wasn’t seeing TH, and I said yes (even though I’m not attracted, I’d still go on a date with him), and it’s like I made his freaking YEAR! lol

    So yeah. My ego is feeling mighty happy this afternoon, and soon I’m going to pick up my youngest before taking both my girls out to dinner with a girlfriend and her kids.

    Meanwhile, TH will be arriving at my house and will be there to greet us when we get home. Nice!

    Just after midnight last night, he came into the bedroom to wish me a happy birthday, which was really lovely!

    I was really dreading turning 40, but now that I’m here, I’ve decided it’s time to embrace it! Yay!

  109.  #109Starla on November 7, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    i tried to post a link but got put in moderation

    it is for this site – i thought you all might enjoy the free collection of relaxing and soothing youtube videos: www. .. soothetube dot c0m

  110.  #110Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Thanks BW for sharing that about TH and the heels…I love to wear heels and I don’t want to give that up! I feel inspired by you.

    and Starla thank you for replying…I still feel panicky because I feel like I’m late for an important appointment, and that appointment is my life…and having a family…I’ve been scared to do it before…I’m still scared but I do want it…

    Thanks Daria for your reply earlier 42 about envisioning what you want…I really enjoyed reading that…

  111.  #111Emerson on November 7, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    BW cool about your bday! I just turned 40 as well….ppl still think I”m 33…yay

  112.  #112Butterfly Wings on November 7, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    I get that too Emerson, so I think I’ll just keep telling people I’m 29! I know I’ll get away with it too! hehe! 😉

    As for the shoe thing, I think it all depends on the guy. I know some guys I’ve dated would hate to be with a woman who’s taller (could it be a confidence thing?). But I think TH kind of digs it. I’ve asked him a couple of times if it bothers him and he’s said it’s fine. And he is the one who keeps buying me these fabulous really high heels afterall! 😀

  113.  #113English Woman on November 7, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    #8 Tiffany

    Wow, oh just wow, is all I can say with tears in my eyes. 😳

  114.  #114English Woman on November 7, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    #111 BW

    Happy belated 39th 😉 birthday, sorry I’m late but I am waaayyyy behind on the blogs.

  115.  #115Daria on November 7, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    just woke up from a nap

    still amazed by the magical pork soup

    setting up dates for the week


    feeling so lovely

  116.  #116Daria on November 7, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    Happy Birthday Butterfly Wings!

  117.  #117Daria on November 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    awesome first message:

    “hi ….so tell me how long is your waiting list??lol”

    haha! this guy gets me!

  118.  #118Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 2:05 am

    Love Note of the Week:
    Do not strive for perfection in love, instead practice forgiveness.

    “You will disappoint your partner, your partner will disappoint you. Do your best, and know that your best is enough. Most of all practice forgiveness – with yourself and with your partner. It is important to feel your disappointments and express them with your partner. Then, when you are ready, you can fully step into forgiveness.”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew

  119.  #119Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 3:14 am

    113: English Woman says:

    #111 BW

    Happy belated 39th birthday, sorry I’m late but I am waaayyyy behind on the blogs.


    Don’t worry – you’re still a fair way behind me, so it’s still my “39th” birthday! 😉

    Thank you!

  120.  #120Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 3:15 am

    115: Daria – Thanks Daria! 🙂

  121.  #121sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 3:20 am

    Hey Sirens took ages to catch up on the blog. Fantastic advice as usual from Rori! Had busy week getting text from guy friend being very sweet and calling me beautiful awww! I am currently laying in bed as have tummy flu and Mr P keeps texting even saying how excited he is to have me back in his life and although his working all the way in Iraq asking if he can go online and get me some meds and lucozade online from Tesco lol And all I can think is boo he never called haha I am impatient Brat well Impatient poorly Brat. Great advice as usual Sirens and hi to you new ones x

  122.  #122Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:25 am


    CD1 has poofed!

    Well f9ck him.

    Seriously screw him.

    I don’t need him anyway.

    And I feel sad and I miss him.


    Oh well nevermind.

    He obviously was not the one for me, or not able to step up for whatever reason.

    He is clearly not right for me if he can’t handle one slightly wobbly text or commuincate about tricky things at all.

    What a shame.

    Still it was nice to have his input.

    Wonder who is next?

    Wonder wha the messages were and if I took them in properly… I know a few.

    Still got his flowers here.

    I feel sad and I may throw them out today.

    Feel excited and happy about my work though.

  123.  #123Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:28 am

    Happy Birthday Butterfly Wings. xx

  124.  #124sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 3:29 am

    Ella (((hugs))) you will be fine like you said when he was around you wasn’t that interested. I think sometimes we just miss the attention rather than the man! Keep busy like you are focused on you and with all your siren loveliness shining through who will be able to resist you!!

  125.  #125Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:38 am


    1st message from a guy on POF:

    can i be your slave please? I will do anything for you! get back to me please? x


  126.  #126Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:42 am

    Do you think this is ok to say to a guy on POF?

    Hi …

    Awww, thanks for the gift. You look lovely (and the cat) and unfortunately I don’t feel attracted.


    He used some of his point thingies to include a picture of flowers in his 1st message to me. And I feel really, really turned off by his apperance. Not a matter of just a frog. I literally DO NOT want to give any of my time to dating him, although he looks like a nice person.

    I feel like a Biatch again…

  127.  #127Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:43 am

    F9ck CD1 f9ck him f9ck him c9ck him


    I feel SO disappointed.


  128.  #128Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Thanks Sammie Sighs.

    Re 123

    Yeah true, maybe I can remember that.

    Men always seem so much better when they are not areound!

    However I know that me being less interested when he was here was just my issues and fear of intimacy coming up.

    I wanted a chance to work through it.

    Ideally with him.


    Just have to trust that the Universe knows best.

    Doesn’t feel like it sometimes though.


  129.  #129Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 4:03 am

    Emerson, about the heels thing, when I was a kid and even more when I was a teen, I was really taller than other kids. And I hated it! And my mom once told me that a tall girl with a smaller man is very sexy, looks like she’s a model with her boyfriend. Since than, I have stick on that idea and I wear very very high heels and I feel sexy and great when I’m taller than a man! 🙂

  130.  #130sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Awwww I’m laying in bath feeling sorry for myself and a knock at the door, (which I answered in my bath towel, poor guy lol) and there was ahuge bunch of flowers at the door !!!! And a card saying “get well soon love you baby” Awwwww. Leaning back rocks lol

  131.  #131Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 4:28 am

    122 – Thanks Ella.

    If CD1 has poofed, then he obviously wasn’t for you and there’s better out there.


  132.  #132Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 4:40 am

    124: OMG there are sooo many things I am thinking of that I could get a personal slave to do right now!!! ROFL 😛

  133.  #133Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 4:40 am

    124: OMG there are sooo many things I am thinking of that I could get a personal slave to do right now!!! ROFL 😛

  134.  #134Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Oops not sure how that happened.

    Well…. my bday is almost over and it’s been a good day!

    TH came over just before I headed out to dinner and waited here while I was out (he wasn’t invited, although I did quickly mention that he was welcome if he wanted to come – as I walked out the door!).

    And when I got home we went for a nice walk together, so that was a nice end to my day. I feel so tired now, but happy and content tired. I like it!

  135.  #135Esteemed on November 8, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Butterfly Wings,

    Glad you had a happy birthday!!

  136.  #136Ella on November 8, 2011 at 5:19 am

    Oh No,

    Just feeling so icky about the poofing right now.

    I HATE POOFING!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel so bereft.

    CD1 is so nice to me… sporadically.


    What if I never see him again?

    That feels so sad.


    Feel that familiar urge to contact and pick up the oars…

    So pulling…

    And that familiar doubt voice in my head… what if it is true love and he likes you and needs a sign from you and you lose it and throw it away cus you don’t let him know.

    And I know I need to TRUST in leaning back and the RR way and it is so hard right now…

    Starla – are you there? I need team leanback…

    ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!! !!!!!!

  137.  #137T-Girl on November 8, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Happy Birthday BW!!

  138.  #138T-Girl on November 8, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Ella – don’t do it! Lean back!

    I have been where you are and it is so hard and to this day I still wonder what happened and why the poofing occurred. I don’t mean this next comment to sound harsh or anything, but I think reading the book “The List” really put things into perspective for me about how a man thinks and what his actions will be if he wants a future with you.

  139.  #139Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:39 am

    Ella, I’m leaning back too, and I will do so all day, concentrating on my work and my professional objectives.

  140.  #140Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:42 am

    But it’s soooooooo hard! 🙁

  141.  #141Ella on November 8, 2011 at 5:42 am

    T Girl


    I don’t think I will do it. Not really. It would feel too icky now… now that I don’t do leaning forward anymore…

    But the urge us still there.

    I just hate this icky feeling however it does get a bit less each time.

    I don’t know about the List.

    I will check into that.


  142.  #142Ella on November 8, 2011 at 5:45 am

    T Girl,

    Who is The List by pls?

  143.  #143T-Girl on November 8, 2011 at 5:52 am

    The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He’s Going to Marry You–in 30 Days or Less! by Mary Corbett

    Just as a side note – don’t let the “30 days or less” part jade you. I don’t buy that part but it is still an eye opening book.

  144.  #144Lucy on November 8, 2011 at 5:53 am

    Starla 105. Feels great reading what you wrote there. It sounds very much like the lovely place I had arrived at this past spring. <3

  145.  #145Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:12 am

    I think I found it (the list).

    I had a read of the preview on Amazon and it has just made me feel all the more sad about CD1!

    I am a hopeless case, lol.

    He did the first 3 items on the list… and then he falls down at planning subsequent dates, calling every day and spending all his free time with me.

    Re item 7 – He spoke about marriage with me very quickly, but not in concrete terms.

    Grrrr, so frustrating.

    And I am not saying I would definitely marry him… just feeling frustrated right now.

    Also there are 3 things on the back of the book which actually suprised me!

    A man who plans a last minute coffee date for a 1st date is more likely to marry you than a man who take you for a fancy meal at a restaurant.

    If he DOESN’T introduce you into his social circle straight away he is more likely to marry you.

    And if he calls instead of e-mail and text (well this one doesn’t suprise me).

    Hmmm, CD1 did all 3 of those things.

    Ick. I am feeling guilty. Like its all my fault.

    But the text I sent can’t be that damamging, with the right man.

    Here is the text I sent him last Friday again, following a phone conversation that went a lil off key cus I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty about not letting him stay the night… and I felt defensive.

    “I feel bad hearing that its my fault that you didn’t get sleep 🙁 I want to feel completely comfortable with you and I only want to agree to things (like staying the night) when I do feel genuinly happy with them. That is how I can feel good with you. What do you think?”

    I sent it on an urge and although the words are true I know it sounds demanding and blamey, but surely its not ‘end the dating’ bad is it?

    Pls be honest with me Sirens, I am feeling a lil lost right now.

    I want to believe that he is simply not the right man and maybe he has other stuff going on that I don’t know about…

    But right now I am getting stuck at ‘Its my fault!’

    I am doubting myself.

  146.  #146Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:19 am

    Do you know what now I am feeling f9cken angry!

    Like who the heck does he think he is!!!!!!!!!

    Coming here and talking to me about marriage and relationship, and trying to seduce me!!!

    And when I put in a boundary, or express a concern POOF!

    Well F9CK him.


    Surely any man worth his salt, who genuinly cared about me, or was available for me would simply re-assure me ipon getting that text message?

    Like all it takes is a ‘don’t worry sweetheart, I am not saying it was your fault. I want you to feel good.’

    Am I wrong here?

    Why am I accepting this bad, flaky behaviour???

    And now I feel cross and annoyed at myself.

    How do I keep misreading the signs, and think these men are genuinly into me when they clearly aren’t, or have other issues or something.

    I wish they would f9cken leave me alone if they are not genuine… and serious about me.

    Just feck off.

    OMG I feel so ANGRY right now!!!!!!!!

  147.  #147Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:20 am

    Thanks T Girl.

  148.  #148Esteemed on November 8, 2011 at 6:28 am


    Look deep inside, and when you locate the questions, give them a vacation, and focus on the simple things.

  149.  #149Sammie on November 8, 2011 at 6:37 am


    I understand the frustration! I”m thinking that how I see it is an opportunity to practice on opening your heart. Not all guys are the ones to stay there. However, if your heart is not open, the good ones can’t stay either.



  150.  #150Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:44 am

    Sammie thanks.

    I am not sure I understand though.

    How do I practice opening my heart in this situation? There is no one to open my heart to? He is not here…

    Feeling confused.

    Thanks. xx

  151.  #151Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:45 am



    Not sure I understand that answer either… Ella is at the bottom of the sea right now… Being rocked by a big wave.


  152.  #152Starla on November 8, 2011 at 6:49 am

    aaaaand here i am, reporting for team lean back

    still no call since friday from CF.

    i am formulating how i wish to address this… it’s tempting to get angry but i’ve never really communicated to him how much i like hearing from him, and if anything i joke about how i hate the phone. i think if i just let him know it feels good hearing from him and i feel excited whenever i see his name on the caller id, and i noticed i feel sad when i go too long without hearing from him, he will gladly call me more.

    i feel like i should be angry just cuz that’s what i’ve always done, but i realize he actually hasn’t done anything wrong. all i can do is take a moment to tell him how i feel and see what happens.

  153.  #153Starla on November 8, 2011 at 6:50 am

    also, i have a really nice butt.

  154.  #154Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:54 am



    I am glad you have a really nice butt 🙂

    Errr, me no call since Friday either… finding it tough today (see posts above).

    Has your CF made any other kind of contact?

  155.  #155Ella on November 8, 2011 at 6:55 am

    I have a nice butt too, and nice boobs.

    Yay me.

  156.  #156Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 7:01 am


    Of course, I’m not talking about “crazy” in the negative sense of the word, but in the more positive, more FLIRTY sense!

    It’s basically a creative way of telling him, “You make me happy.” It tells him that you think he’s a good boyfriend or husband.

    And trust me, men LOVE hearing such compliments!

    These phrases are a sort of validation for him.

    More than being called good-looking or hardworking, men like to be called MEN — and when you tell him that he’s doing a great job as your boyfriend or husband, it compels them to stay in the

    And if he feels the same way towards you, he’s going to give you the same kinds of comments more often:

    “You drive me crazy.” “You make me happy.” “You complete me.”

    Wouldn’t you love hearing such sweet nothings more often?

    A little teasing and flirting like this is always good for the relationship!

    It strengthens what’s already there, and it lets you focus your energies on the more stressful parts of the
    relationship, such as paying the bills, buying a house, and raising a family.

    Alexandra Fox

  157.  #157Starla on November 8, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Ella, yeah he responded very romantically to my lean forward picture message of the flowers he gave me. he’s not poofed on me…he’s just not calling hehe. i don’t feel like he’s going to disappear.

  158.  #158R.N.AmazingMe on November 8, 2011 at 7:03 am

    I want to be apart of team leanback….matter of fact I think all sirens should be on this team. Afterall single, married, or relationships with people in general, you have to lean back at some point. Loving yourself and striving for your goals and dreams! Taking care of you and just leaning back being open and warm with people. Being honest to yourself and others is how happiness will find you with any situation. The love for your own life and your mistakes. Love all of it and others will feel it and want to be connected to you! XOXOXO

  159.  #159R.N.AmazingMe on November 8, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Yes…I feel inspired reading my own comment!! YAY babysteppin my way, movin on up!! LOL.

  160.  #160Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Luzydel you are not going to get hurt. He is teaching you that you are powerful enough to create the type of relationship you want. He is teaching you that you can open up yourself and allow as much love as you want to flow through you. He is showing you that you are a lovely juicy siren vibrating at a high energy frequency, taking risks that is making life exciting. Even if this one doesn’t work out you can learn to open your heart enough to bring a good man in who will be willing to cherish you. I would encourage you to wonder “what can I learn here”?

  161.  #161Starla on November 8, 2011 at 7:07 am

    rn amazing me i feel inspired reading your comment too!

  162.  #162Starla on November 8, 2011 at 7:08 am

    oh god i feel so embarrassed for posting that comment about my butt…hahaha ah well it’s still nice at least.

  163.  #163R.N.AmazingMe on November 8, 2011 at 7:10 am

    Starla Thanks and really no way to be embarrassed on Siren Island!! We all have good and bad qualities and this is the place to share it!!

  164.  #164R.N.AmazingMe on November 8, 2011 at 7:15 am

    @157…This too is what we think of someone when we say yes this person is down to earth, soft, caring and so on. When I say someone is down to earth I think of those things I listed. Lean back relax and let yo self go 🙂 That a line in a rap song..haha so fitting. I love you sirens, So much learning about all things in life! It is awesome to me….feelng inspired today~!!

  165.  #165Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 7:17 am


    Let’s face it — everyone loves getting compliments, even if it’s for something as silly and superficial as their looks.

    You like being called pretty, right? (If you don’t, you need to lighten up a little!)

    Well, guess what — men can be every bit as vain as we are!

    The great thing about short, sweet compliments like “Hey, handsome” is the feeling it gives him.

    It immediately lets him know that you’re not intimidated by him, and you’re comfortable enough to talk to him in a way that’s usually reserved for
    boyfriend and girlfriends.

    What’s more, little compliments like this also tell him that you’re a confident woman who doesn’t hesitate to
    reveal her feelings.

    And as you may already know, confidence is a LOT sexier than looks!

    So go ahead — compliment him. If he doesn’t have any self-esteem issues, he’s going to appreciate it — and he may even return the favor by throwing

  166.  #166Ella on November 8, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Does anyone think I would lean forward?

  167.  #167Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Ella I would encourage you to read the first 2 Chapters of Rori’s book again. I was reading it last night about the analogy of closing your hands around the relationship and the sand in your hand. How the sand slips through your fingers when you close it but it stays in place when you open your hand and hold it loosely. I also remember CCarter talking about the spider monkey who when it holds it how it holds on with such a vice grip. What I appreciate from both is the idea of how letting go can bring things we want towards us. Rori describes it in terms of synchronicity and how the universe conspire on our behalf when we want what we want to create and just stay in the good emotions of it.

  168.  #168Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Emerson – I know how you’re feeling, except I don’t exactly. But I’m starting to feel that way and I’m only 30!! Actually, I felt it years ago when I broke up with my fiancé. I REALLY thought I’d missed the boat, then, and no one could convince me otherwise. In fact, part of my healing process is continually getting over that and realizing that there ARE other options. He is NOT the only guy who is ever going to want to marry me (by far!) And some beautiful man is going to want to have children with me also.

    But I know how you feel, because sometimes I feel like I am “running out of time.” And that’s normal, because, as women, we DO “run out of time” – and we feel this in our BODIES. Men don’t feel it, because they don’t have it in the same way. For men, running out of time means being dead. For women who don’t want children, it’s probably less of an issue. But for us who do, we are aware of what’s going on with our bodies, whether we like it or not.

    But yeah. Probably if we were more relaxed and not focused on the thing we want that we don’t think we’re going to get – it would pop right up in our lives! lol

    btw, I have a random question for you, Emerson – totally a linguistic thing.

    I notice you write “owww” a lot, as something you would say before saying something else. And I’m wondering – is that a British thing? I see “ow” and I think, ‘oh my, she’s hurt herself!’ lol. By now, of course, I know it’s just your speech. But I’m curious. I don’t know how it really sounds with a British accent. Man, I haven’t been to London in a long time. I need to travel!!!!

  169.  #169Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 7:41 am

  170.  #170Ella on November 8, 2011 at 7:41 am

    FW yes… ok I will re-read, and I get the principle.

    I just get lost on how to apply it to my own life sometimes.

    I have actually been really, really good about feeling relaxed and letting go, until today, when I feel all caught up and clingy on for some reason…

    FW – are you saying if it is meant for me it will not go away?

  171.  #171Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 7:53 am

    I am just trying to shift your awareness Ella that there is another way to do relationship, and that is to
    focus on yourself to do it differently so you see what you are creating. I know you are sharing about your feelings but sometimes I believe we all can focus more on the fact that love can be easy. And there are different ways of being. For me focussing on “it is meant” is not focussed on me being willing to focussing on my insides to change patterns. Hope this makes sense. I am listening to Gay Hendricks on Art of Love. He keeps going back to bringing our awareness to our body.

  172.  #172Corin on November 8, 2011 at 7:58 am

    I’m feeling lonely and sad. I have a week off work to do some studying for my masters and really NEED to get focussed on my work. However I’m feeling low and craving contact with others and am deep in procrastination duties instead.

    Hmmm, I know that if I can move from i NEED TO… into I WANT TO…then it will be easier but it feels hard. I want to get through this course.

    This process of stopping still, stopping at home, being alone, is bringing so much up for me emotionally. Guilt, shame, not good enough. I love my guilt and shame. My dissertation is going to be on guilt and shame. Ironic eh.

  173.  #173Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Speaking of missing the boat, I had this sense, last week, when A called me that it was somehow fortuitous. I had literally been sitting on the bus, on my way home from dance class, thinking, “Oh my. How am I going to come up with $1,000 by Monday?” And literally, within a minute of thinking this, my phone started to ring. I had this sense that the Universe was taking care of me, and responding to me in a positive way. Here was someone who could potentially help me.

    Only I chickened out. I didn’t want to seem like I was “taking advantage” of him. So I didn’t tell him about my money problems until the very last minute. And when I did tell him, it was a very vague, “I don’t have enough,” rather than a specific, “I need $1,000 by Monday.” I didn’t ask for what I want/needed, and I didn’t give him a chance to help.

    And that’s not to say he didn’t help. I mean it when I say I felt grateful just to have him listen. Maybe he wasn’t *supposed* to help me monetarily.

    Daria, I really admire that you have so many men who are willing to cover your bills and stuff like that. Part of me would be so grateful for that. But a huge part of me is so stubborn and independent that as much as I think I want that, I really don’t. I don’t want a knight in shining armor to swoop in and “do it for me.” That’s the problem. That’s what my family has done for me all along. Any time I’ve had a money issue in the past, someone felt bad for me and just took care of it. Now I have to separate myself from that so that I can figure out what to do about it on my own. I don’t *want* to ask my family for help – even if they could help me – because, ultimately, it wouldn’t even really be helpful.

    So I feel strange right now. I wasn’t able to come up with the $1k I needed. My bank account is overdrawn. And I don’t know where my next payment is coming from. I have no clients and no prospects. Just a marketing plan.

    And yet I feel fine.

    I am volunteering at a hospital today. I have an appointment with a chiropractor (trade, no cash). And I feel very confident that I AM going to get through this – with flying colors – even though I don’t know how just yet. Still looking for inspiration. I feel like there must be something right in front of my face that I’m not seeing and all I have to do is notice it. Wow. What an amazing feeling. How can I feel so positive? lol. And yet, I do…

  174.  #174Corin on November 8, 2011 at 8:03 am


    I am really enjoying The Art of Love too! Excellent procrastination tool from what I should be doing.

    When Deepak Chopra spoke about loving all our imperfections and stopping trying to change ourself with self imposed discipline, which rejects that we allready are exactly as we are supposed to be. Loved it.

  175.  #175Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Gay Hendricks’ segment also spoke somewhat about loving the perceived imperfections in our bodies. Regarding, grief he recommended using your awareness to scan through your body to find grief and focussing on it. He suggests that the focus kind of helps it to “break up” and dissipate out of your body. Really interesting stuff.

  176.  #176Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:30 am

    FW yes I can focus on bringing it back to me.

    And how it feels in my body.

    And I do keep doing that whenever possible.

    I am shifting.

    However I do feel triggered and scared reading your post. I am pretty sure it is my own issues today (I know it is) and all I keep reading and thinking is ‘It is my fault. I pushed it away by doing it wrong’ and that is not a very easy way of doing it.

    I don’t know how it can feel easy when men poof for me.

    Oh I don’t know anything really.

    Just feeling really, really, really frustrated here.

    Did I create this situation?

  177.  #177Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Oh, hang on…. I am exactly where I meant to be…

    Oh Ok. I see.

    So it doesn’t matter.

    Am I getting there with this?

    Just listening to a great song… I am going to do a Zumba dance to it.

  178.  #178Corin on November 8, 2011 at 8:33 am

    FW, I’m listening to the Gay and Katie Hendricks one again now. I’ve not come up to that bit but will keep a an ear open!

    He’s just been talking about how when we fall in love, all the things we have failed to love about ourselves will rise to the surface in a way which makes it seem as though they are the characteristics of the other person and it’s their fault. This feels so empowering to me. I know I draw in relationships that mirror the ways I have abandoned myself and it really helps to hear it validated here. It feels so exciting that as I learn to love myself more wholly, my relationships will also become more wholly loving and nurturing. Focussing upon ways in which THEY don’t love me enough is false. It’s always about focussing upon ways in which I’M not loving myself enough in that exact same area and then finding a way to repair this. I’m having amazing results from this.

  179.  #179Corin on November 8, 2011 at 8:36 am


    Do you ever Poof on yourself? I guess for me ‘poofing on myself’ would involve some kind of inner abandonment. Blaming yourself, putting yourself at fault could be that. This guy may be mirroring what you are doing to yourself.

  180.  #180Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Corin re 179

    Yes, all the time.

    I abandon myself by blaming myself and making myself at fault all the time.

    And sometimes I blame him…

    Oh that all feels icky to admit!

    And the truth is I do… I do get those feelings.

    And then usually I process them, often here, and then get to it’s no one’s fault it just is.

    So yes I do poof on myself.

    Thank you.

  181.  #181Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Ok I feel angry.

    I feel lonely and needy and achy in my body today.

    My back aches and I feel like I have been run over by a bus from intense pole dancing session yesterday.

    I feel lonely and I want to reach out.

    I feel abandoned.

    And I feel needy.


    I am going to be here for myself and love myself.

    Thank you.

  182.  #182Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:48 am


    From a previous comment you made about being ready to lose weight.

    I know you probably know exactly what you need to do and I just wanted to say, if you want it, I can offer you a free e-mail coaching service.

    To use however you want.

    If you want to touch in each day or whenever and discuss your progress… or ask me any questions, or get some help or support, whatever you need.

    This is what I specialise in… and this is one of the things I want to do.

    And for now I am offering it to people for free.

    Anyway the offer is here if you want it.


  183.  #183Corin on November 8, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Ella, maybe as you abandon yourself less, men will also do that less as well, or it will hurt less.

    You’re not at fault. You are exactly as you are meant to be.

    p.s I feel lonely too! I’m trying to love my loneliness.

  184.  #184Ella on November 8, 2011 at 8:55 am


    I AM abandoning myself less… like mostly I am loving myself through this, and everything that is happening right now.

    And it feels good. Stronger inside. Like being more grounded.

    And those old patterns and doubts still come in and I still get the colliwobbles.


  185.  #185Lucy on November 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Starla, I would think: “I told him I don’t like the phone, so naturally he’s not calling me.” And I would say/write to him: “I know I said I don’t like the phone… but now I’m feeling like it would feel great to talk on the phone with you. 🙂 What do you think?”

  186.  #186Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Ella I rewrote my post three times trying to avoid triggering you. Faulting yourself is telling me there is something you are not forgiving yourself about or maybe an unconscious belief that you do not deserve to be forgiven. I don’t know. I know you are working through your issues trying to heal yourself. I totally honor you for that. It is just that when I read your posts I get the sense that you are operating at the same level of consciousness that created the issue. I sincerely believe you are trying your darndest to get it right and I just believe trying something new is what will help you. I believe it is somewhere deep inside you just waiting to be touched/massaged to the surface.

  187.  #187Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 9:07 am

    RE 184 🙂 Love you Ella

  188.  #188Ella on November 8, 2011 at 9:26 am

    FW re 186,


    Sorry. I am just triggerific sometimes.

    Thanks for being sensitive with me.

    Yes… sometimes on the same level of consciousness…

    And sometimes something different.

    I am feeling a lot better these days and I agree that it is all there inside… sometimes just out of reach.. and sometimes right here with me.

    And when I write out all that stuff about blame and feeling effed off and stuff it is more letting me squeeky voice comment.

    Stuff from my drama queen.

    I want to let it out not operate from it.

    On Friday I was operating from that old place of consciousness, and it is hard to forgive myself that.

    But I will. I am human! I was tired.

    And I can’t undo that.

    And yes, today most of the drama posts have just been letting off some steam, and sinking into the waves… not really what I believe.

    I honestly think I don’t really know anything.

    I just feel lonely and achy right now.

    And want to be cuddled (but not by CD3 – that is weird huh??)

    And I am just feeling ouchy and a bit cranky right now…

    But looking forward to my Zumba class.

  189.  #189Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 9:29 am

    I am listening to an EFT session on the Art of Love Summit. Just heard “even though I am blaming myself. Even though I think it is is all my fault. I love and accept myself”.

  190.  #190Daria on November 8, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Tiffany – this feels exciting for me as I’m just starting to feel comfortable asking for help. And feeling safe to do so.

    I still get strong feelings of shame around it.

    But the amazingness of it – it really feels like magic to me that someone outside my family would Want to help me – I grew up believing to be suspicious and not trust anyone outside the family to genuinely care about me.

    I am at this place of gently undoing the – I have to do it myself … And the I have to do it myself to Proce to myself I’m good enough…

    Lots of love and being good enough assurance to me.

    And when I receive help, I’m still feeling satisfaction of doing it myself – *I* attracted this.

    I’m feeling amazed that I’m becoming one of those women who gets everything she wants – and I’m healing the ‘sleazyness’ I have associated with that.

    This is good this is holy and whole.

    That being said I felt excited to see my name and also defensive. My triggers came up like… But I just started see! It’s still hard for me! I’m not sleazy!

    Still healing babysteps. I accept that I am now one of the women who accepts help and receives help and actually I am quite wonderful and doing it in a soft not clingy controlling way.

    The less control the less shame and horrification and pinches in my body I feel. Ugh.

    I love me 🙂

  191.  #191sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Hey Sirens….feeling very triggered the more attention I get the more I feel like pushing away arrgh …healing to do …its like I’m scared..I’m scared of rejection I want to protect me ….awww love my scared selfx

  192.  #192sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 9:41 am

    How do I lean back take it in my stride without looking like Im pushing away ,,,so not good at all this..

  193.  #193Daria on November 8, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Ella – Ouchy in the body and cranky is actually what’s going on here.

    I notice when my body doesn’t feel good in certain ways it affects my thoughts powerfully making much of my life seem doom like including men.

    This shifts once my body shifts.

    It feels like my care for me energy is tiny at this time, but the more I can gently focus on body caring things – a bath, a healing tea, food, stretching. Meditation, eft… The more my energy grows and my thoughts start to shift.

    I say when you’re having the icky thoughts check the state of your body and if it’s feeling tired , hungry or in pain, start there.

  194.  #194sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 9:46 am

    I felt triggered today I have had stomach flu and the only one from my family to see if I’m ok is my dad my dad is always there always …but my mum only if I am doing well not dissapointing her she always looks at me with dissaproval always have she loves me in her ways but its that look …I ofter feel not good enough…mmmm need to heal this o accept mum as she is maybe….

  195.  #195Ella on November 8, 2011 at 9:50 am


    Thank you.

    Yes, my body is in soooo much pain today.

    And its a tricky one because it will be more and more as I do my Pole Dancing Training.

    I will try to find ways to relieve the pain.

    Gentle movement, hot showers, herbal tea and stretching are good places to start.

    Thank you.

  196.  #196Ella on November 8, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Wow, so all that… all that stuff and drama… and focusing on CD1 was all because I am feeling achy in my body and cranky!

    Gotta love me.

    I am actually smiling at myself cus its kinda cute.

    And thinking about how often people do this is relationships.

  197.  #197Daria on November 8, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Ella – apple cider vinegar baths really help me relieve aches and also low mood (put cider in after filling bath or else bath will smell sooo strong)

    Also Epsom salt baths will release tension from sore muscles.

    So far I prefer the cider, it feels invigorating rather than relaxing.

  198.  #198Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

    “So I have to ask myself, what made my attraction to bad boys so strong and all consuming? I know now it was because we were a perfect match on one very fundamental level: we were both afraid to commit.

    At the time I thought I was being completely open and available to love. Infact, when I compared myself to my women friends, I thought I was having a better time in my relationships then they were. They could commit to love, but their lives seemed dull and their choice in men baffled me, they seemed so safe.

    On the other hand my love life was full of excitement and drama, there was always something happening that seemed to be earth shaking. I had no idea I was afraid to commit; I lived like a junky on love, always looking for the next exciting fix.

    I thought this was love, but of course it wasn’t…in fact it was as far away from true love as I could get. I didn’t even know what that would look like. The bad boys I went after had walls around their feelings, just like me. We created drama to distract us from our real and deeper feelings.”


  199.  #199Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Been leaning back for 3 days now with E after I left the club on Saturday… I know we gonna talk again, we’re suppose to go to the hockey game next Monday. But maybe he thinks I’m mad or something and maybe he’s expecting ME to call back? That sounds logic to me but I feel stupid and naive tothink that. So maybe I could lean a little bit foward with just a friendly message, maybe something about the hockey game? I know he was pretty excited about it.

    Should I or am I really gonna burn myself with that? And if you think Im allowed to text him, do you have some suggestion of a script?

    Thank you and please all continue your good work on being awesome!

  200.  #200Esteemed on November 8, 2011 at 10:30 am


    RE: #151 – Sorry if I didn’t understand. I guess I better just speak for myself. I am learning with R to be a warm, soft, open, free, sandy beach. When he comes, great, the sun will warm us, and we will enjoy the beautiful water together. When he goes away for however long, I remain a beach. To me, that means I don’t go chasing after him. I stay put, and he knows where to find me from one time to the next.

    In the meantime, I do my best to remain content. I play with others who come to the beach, and I enjoy times of solitude, growing closer to God, and just loving myself in a healthy way. I really am cultivating a full life with lots of friends and activities! It’s taken me about a year to develop those friendships (at my church).

    And on Sunday, I spent some time at the lighthouse near my new dream house! 🙂

  201.  #201Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Lizka – I wouldn’t do that. I would let the man pursue me.

  202.  #202Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

    If he thinks you’re mad or something he can call You to find out. Guessing at what’s going on with him doesn’t help the relationship – its all ‘in his business’

    An interested and capable man will pursue a woman and be attracted to a woman who receives the pursuit.

  203.  #203Esteemed on November 8, 2011 at 10:37 am


    RE: #190 – Beautiful!!!

  204.  #204Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Thanks Esteemed 🙂

  205.  #205Starla on November 8, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Listening to this mantra and even singing along breaks me out of procrastinating magically


  206.  #206Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:47 am

    on sunday I spent the whole day getting massages with a man in the sauna… well in and out

    i didn’t let him touch my boobs or my nani tho hehe

    they felt too sensitive and im wanting that ‘eat me till i cry’ emotional release way of being touched

    and i didn’t feel 100% trusting with him cuz he had a habit that i see changing of bringing up other women constantly. and also i was thinking he might be gay and he brought up THAT

    anyway, it was nice

    i now feel a bit guilty that maybe i was cold by not allowing him to kiss me as much as he wanted to

    i love my fears!

    its great i allowed him as close and only as close as it felt good to me

    we’ll see what he comes up with next when he calls to ask me out

    he told me he got more attracted to me in the past when i got pist at him and i was like “blood, just don’t call me anymore blood”


    (i call people blood )

    whoa looking at the word blood right now it looks FUNNY!!!

    like bluuuud whoa theres like two oo’s in there


    well he wound up calling again

    this was a few years ago

    it was one of the only times i told a man not to call me

    i felt so mad and hahhaha

    of course i could just not pick up but at that time that was challenging for me cuz i felt lonely so often

  207.  #207Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:50 am

    wow Starla its making me want to do stuff with lots of sustained energy

    this is a holiday Saint Mihai and Gavril and mama said don’t clean today

    i kinda want to tho!

    i know its cool for me

    maybe just for her ill keep it holiday feeling tho

  208.  #208Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 10:50 am

    “Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself.” – Thomas Moore, author, Care of the Soul

    Most of us would love to have intimacy and connection in our lives, yet we often find this elusive. Why?

    Thomas Moore puts it in a nutshell. Until we are intimate and connected with ourselves, we cannot experience the greatest joy in life – intimacy and connection with others.

    The question becomes: what causes alienation and division within yourself? Just one thing – self-abandonment.

    To understand self-abandonment, let’s take an analogy. Let’s say you have a small child who comes to you upset or crying. There are four major ways you can abandon this child:

    You stay distracted in your mind rather than become present in your heart.”

  209.  #209Starla on November 8, 2011 at 10:52 am

    lucy 185

    I can tell him this when i see him. no blaming or ‘i feel weird’ or negativity.

    if he says he doesn’t call because he just doesn’t want to, then i’ll get a little more specific about how bad it feels lol.

    i highly doubt he’ll say anything like that though. he’s so into me!

    thanks lucy, your simple script put it all into perspective for me.

  210.  #210Daria on November 8, 2011 at 10:53 am

    i want to REPORT that the willy nillies from the fleas have truly subsided!


    as i say that my eye slitghtly itches

    however its nto a problem

    also i was able to look really sensual and sexy as i scratched my eyelashes


    i have a CD today at dinner

  211.  #211Starla on November 8, 2011 at 10:54 am

    CF texted me this morning while i was on the train to wish me a nice day and call me beautiful. I just texted back, “:):):):):):):):):):):):):)”

    and that was that.

  212.  #212Starla on November 8, 2011 at 10:58 am

    glad you like the mantra – here is another obstacle breaker ganesha mantra that is more musical and much longer to keep you going while you do stuff.


  213.  #213Daria on November 8, 2011 at 11:11 am

    thank you Daria for drinking water

    thank you Daria for pooping!

    thank you Daria for writing

    thank you Daria for brushing my hair

  214.  #214Susan on November 8, 2011 at 11:49 am

    RE: 211: Starla says:

    “CF texted me this morning while i was on the train to wish me a nice day and call me beautiful. I just texted back, “:):):):):):):):):):):):):)”

    Sweet Man also goes fairly long periods of time with no contact. It was hard at first, but then I started just planning other activities for those days and figured I’d hear from him sooner or later. Then when he does call, he usually says he spent the past few days of thinking about me. IDK why he doesn’t call more often, but I eventually found I kinda liked having a wee bit of ‘time off.’ I do say I love to hear from him and am happy he called. I don’t express wishing to hear from him more often, because I’m concerned that might be viewed as trying to control the outcome.

  215.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on November 8, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    A male dating coach says:
    “I don’t understand this phenomenon of “My boyfriend is totally indifferent towards me; how can I lock him in for the rest of my life?”…

  216.  #216Senior Lady Vibe on November 8, 2011 at 12:26 pm

  217.  #217Senior Lady Vibe on November 8, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Hello, world, hello.

  218.  #218Mel on November 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Hello SLV, hello! 🙂

  219.  #219Starla on November 8, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Hello SLV:)

  220.  #220Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Here’s a little book that could be of help to everyone here. I know it speaks to me deeply.

    Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu


  221.  #221Daria on November 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    im feeling good… just ate with my mom and her friend who is on a visit

    perhaps my feeling so upset with my dad when he verbally attacks me is that i don’t give love to the part of me that ‘loses it’ and attacks others

    love to me


    that feels good

  222.  #222Daria on November 8, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    it feels so different to give to my dad, i started ocassionaly bringing him lil snacks when he’s working the way i did with my uncle…

    rather than the feeling of HAVING to do something which does not feel good it feels draining

    this giving when i feel love feels like relaxing light and easy, almost unnoticeable

  223.  #223Daria on November 8, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    hmm feeling triggered by the tao 🙂

    hehe i find it amusing that it’s written by a male

    cuz i see that in it from the first page and i feel a bit mistrustful and superior

  224.  #224Daria on November 8, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    by “that” i mean certain masculine minded truisms

    certain beeliefs that i would change to feel good

  225.  #225Senior Lady Vibe on November 8, 2011 at 1:11 pm



  226.  #226Ella on November 8, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    CD1 just called.

    And left a message.

    What do I do?

    I really want to see him.

    I want to be cuddled.

    I feel a bit sick now.

  227.  #227Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Ella again, look inside yourself. Trust yourself.

  228.  #228Ella on November 8, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    FW – I want to see him.

    And I feel unsure.

    What about my boundaries?

    I am going for a shower.

  229.  #229Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Gay Hendricks is funny. He is saying some of us are addicted to drama where we are in an anger state of consciousness, where sometimes we also experience sadness. This is because we are addicted to adrenaline and have to create what he calls wargasm – that translates into arguments with us saying things like “you always do this or do that”. He says when you are in that state of consciousness you should just switch to saying something that is true, something that cannot be argued about. He also suggests to drop the human language and just says sounds. He actuall makes kind of growling sounds that sounds dog like. He says many times he finds couples end up laughing when they do this.

  230.  #230Daria on November 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    The Tao changed by Daria the Goddess:

    The Tao that can be told is the
    eternal Tao, and there are millions.
    The name that can be named is the
    eternal name and they are infinite.
    The nameless is the beginning of
    heaven and Earth and her name is Daria.
    The named is the mother of the ten
    thousand things. and the water.
    Ever desireless, one can see the
    mystery. Peace rests.
    Ever desiring, one sees the
    manifestations. Desire brings fresh joy.
    These two spring from the same source
    but differ in name; this appears as
    darkness. Heartbeat dance.
    Darkness within darkness.
    The gate to all mystery.
    Out of heaven all can see beauty as
    beauty only because there is ugliness. Living in heaven ugliness becomes beauty.
    All can know good as good only
    because there is evil. In heaven evil heals.
    Therefore having and not having arise
    together when looking with the two eyes.
    Difficult and easy complement each
    Long and short contrast each other:
    High and low rest upon each other;
    Voice and sound harmonize each
    Front and back follow one another.
    Therefore the Goddess goes about doing
    nothing, feeling pleasure looking with the million eyes.
    The ten thousand things rise and fall
    without cease,
    Creating, yet not possessing.
    Working, yet not taking credit.
    Work is done, then forgotten.
    Therefore it lasts forever.
    Not exalting the gifted prevents
    quarreling. But Worshiping the Goddess transcends quarrel.
    Not collecting treasures prevents
    stealing. But taking pleasure in treasure and Goddess brings joy in gifting.
    Not seeing desirable things prevents
    confusion of the heart. But seeing desirable things brings the heart joy and expansion.
    The wise therefore rule by emptying
    hearts and stuffing bellies, by
    weakening ambitions and
    strengthening bones. But trauma heals when Goddess finds the wisdom within, and gently feeds of the body and the heart.
    If men lack knowledge and desire, then
    clever people will not try to interfere. But the Goddess inspires wisdom and desires in the hearts and minds of Men.
    If nothing is done, then all will be well. If something is done, all will still be well.
    The Tao is an empty vessel; it is used,
    but never filled. The Goddess Tao is the womb, it is filled until birth, filled until birthed.
    Oh, unfathomable source of ten
    thousand things!
    Blunt the sharpness,
    Untangle the knot,
    Soften the glare,
    Merge with dust.
    Oh, hidden deep but ever present!
    I do not know from whence it comes.
    It is the forefather of the gods. It is the mother of the forefathers.


  231.  #231Starla on November 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Leaning back leaning back leaning back

    wanting to text CF – “I miss you terribly!” in Spanish hehe

    oh well, i’ll just tell you all – i miss him

  232.  #232Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Mel – I don’t know if you’re reading, but I just wanted to take a second to say that I read your story about architect from the last thread, and it just sounded so lovely. I hope you’re doing really well. I feel really, honestly and truly happy for you (i know that’s kind of redundant.) May we all be so “lucky” – if luck has anything to do with it at all. May we all be so brave and connected as to say yes to what is truly good in our lives! Xox

  233.  #233Daria on November 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    I like the idea of making sounds

  234.  #234Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    “At the center of your being
    you have the answer;
    you know who you are
    and you know what you want.”
    ― Lao Tzu

  235.  #235sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Well feel kinda sad and left out of the loop a bit …oh well my business I guess..

  236.  #236mali on November 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Feeling so triggered.

    I just had a conversation with my Mum, she said that “can I call everyday, because that’s the whole point of only coming home every two weeks… otherwise, I’d be home every weekend. (from university).”

    I said that I’d try.

    I found it difficult to express what I was feeling. Whew.
    I know I won’t be able to call tomorrow, so when I call on Thursday, if the issue comes up, I’ll have a speech ready. I’m feeling really suffocated and pressurised. RAWRRR. I don’t want to feel this way!

    If they tell me that I have to listen to them, I’ll say NO. I FEEL ANGRY!

  237.  #237Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Well ask yourself if those boundaries are serving you? Or are they just game playing?

  238.  #238Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Mali it sounds to me like just a question. Honoring yourself might be something like I feel controlled or restricted. I would look at the words she used to see if there is a particular one for instance that might have triggered me. Or is it that you have an unconscious commitment between you two that you have to call when she dictates because she is paying the bill? Alternatively, she might be feeling fear for your safety why she is making this request.

  239.  #239sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Feeling like this guy is stepping up and then but what if I let go of control what if I finally let go and let him in what if he hurts me again …I don’t want to get hurt again….

  240.  #240Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Am I willing to have lasting love and having it be easy? Gay Hendricks says if you can say yes to that, then you will be able to create it.

  241.  #241Mel on November 8, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Thanks Tiffany!

    I’m still just taking things one day at a time, trying to proceed without any expectations for anything. I am finding myself really enjoying living in the moment.

    Of course… there are times when I think about him, but I think I am becoming really good at giving to myself in these moments. I hope I can continue to be sireny if things continue to progress. 🙂

  242.  #242Starla on November 8, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    reading EMK’s blogs is making me feel awful and triggered.

    the way he puts things, i should walk away from CF because he isn’t calling regularly and we’re only seeing each other once a week sometimes.

    sigh. f8ck EMK’s opinion. i don’t have to worry about what others have to say about it. we are just morphing through different ways of being together…we’ve been through intense, constant contact, medium levels, none at all (like now), etc… all the while communicating about it. We will settle somewhere eventually.

    But EMK is making me scared!!

    I should find some more CDs…too bad i really didn’t like being out with Alaska.. He had potential lol

  243.  #243Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Then sammie sighs I am not sure you will be able to experience true love.

  244.  #244sammie sighs on November 8, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    #241 Wow Mel you are an inspiration you just gave me the answer I need..no expectation just be in the moment 🙂

  245.  #245Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    And sammie sighs I have seen Rori write suggesting that the happily ever after is just these happy moments strung together

  246.  #246Lucy on November 8, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Starla- glad my script helped. 🙂 Re: EMK… My man and I have talked abt him a bit and my man thinks EMK is too black and white and constricted in both his advice and in his perceptions about what is really going on with people. I would try not to worry abt what he writes – Rori’s ideas of continuing to CD are adequate here, whether it’s CDing yourself and the world or actual men. Hope you feel better soon abt what you read. <3

  247.  #247mali on November 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    FW, I understand what you’re saying. But it was all about the tone- very dictating-ish, i.e. I expect you to do this, whether you like it or not. My Mum has issues with control.

    The next time I speak to her, I’ll tell her that I feel controlled, and see what she says. I think I’m scared that she’ll say, “I don’t care how you feel!” which will make me feel even worse.

    This is about a Mother who’s told me that I should kill her myself with a knife, and then spend my life in prison.

    Yes, it was in an argument, but when she loses her temper, she says some awful things, which really hurt me.

  248.  #248Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Whoa mali, it makes me sad to read what your mother told you. 🙁

  249.  #249Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    I would’ve felt manipulated if my mother ever told me something like that.

  250.  #250Starla on November 8, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Thx Lucy

    Honestly, Sirens, I’m just freaking out. This is no different than usual with any guy, except this is the first time I am really committed to leaning back, and it feels uncomfortable as hell!

    But I’m doing the right thing. I know I am!

    Glad you’re posting these days, Lucy:)

  251.  #251Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Well Mali I am happy you are here to learn about how words can hurt and how to heal oneself. You can’t control her or what she says. She is doing the best she knows how and I guess to help yourself finding something you can be grateful for can shift your perspective. Those words feel harsh but maybe she is reliving something from her past. I wish you were close by so I could give you a motherly hug, but sending you a virtual one.((((((((((((((((((Mali))))))))))))))))))

  252.  #252mali on November 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Lyka, thankyou for empathising <3

    I feel triggered really easily around her… I find it difficult to express my emotions; really really difficult. Because some of the things she's said to me; I've felt SO hurt by them, but I feel so unloved hearing it- there's so much aggression, no love!

    And so my protective barrier comes up, shielding me from being hurt again. because if someone can say such things, without caring for how you feel, when she's YOUR MOTHER, how can you feel safe? I don't feel safe around her 🙁

  253.  #253Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    One coach, Guy Blews, said when he reached 18 I believe it was, he learned to say okay dad and just lived the life he wanted to live.

  254.  #254mali on November 8, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    FW- she is, she had a very difficult childhood herself.

    And thankyou so much! *BIIIIIIG HUGGG*

    I’m going to try and express myself more gently around her, and try and be more vulnerable. My feelings are what they are. I will love them, even if others don’t.

  255.  #255Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Mali I wonder what saying “I feel scared” would create?

  256.  #256Lucy on November 8, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Sammie – you can “let go” a little at a time as the relationship matures; it doesn’t have to be all at once and right away. Just keep opening your heart as much as possible. This is the path I have been on the last few months with my growing relationship. I, too, felt afraid of getting hurt. Not as afraid anymore, but it has been a gradual opening and trusting (growing to trust both myself and him). <3

  257.  #257Lyka on November 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Mali, I can understand that you don’t feel safe around her. Is there any way you could tell her that without sounding harsh or judgemental?

  258.  #258Ella on November 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Well that was very undramatic

    I feel pleased.

    I went for a shower.

    And then I called him back.

    It seems he did text me over the weekend and his text service is not working.

    I said I miss him when he is gone. It felt good to say that. He said that was nice to hear 🙂

    I didn’t have to think about boundaries cus he is not in the area and did not ask to see me.

    And I had kinda decided to myself that I wouldn’t see him tonight cus *I* don’t really feel like it.

    Feeling tired.

    It actually feels good to me to have strong boundaries, although I intend to make them flexible to suit me.

    Well I am still aching like hell.

    And feeling kinda grumpy.

    Going to have some kind of tea in a minute.

    Thanks for support today.

  259.  #259Starla on November 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    i am going to get a facial in about an hour, and i hope it doesn’t go the way my sunday massage went – thinking about him the whole time!


    i want to chop my head off so i can stop thinking

  260.  #260Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Good evening girls!

  261.  #261Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    I am feeling no good tonight. For lunch I had this greasy and salty asian food and since Im feeling tired, dehydrated, fat and nauseous. And Im also feeling more amd more anxious that E haven’t text yet. Still leaning back (day 3) but I don’t know if I can hold it very long…

  262.  #262Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Oh Ella I’m happy for you! It must feel good and comforting? I wish E had tried to text me and I just did not see the message! Ahah dreaming!!

  263.  #263Ella on November 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    @ Starla

    “i want to chop my head off so i can stop thinking”

    You crack me up!!!

    I know how you feel.


  264.  #264Starla on November 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    I seriously feel like i’m going to freak out

    it’s like quitting cigarettes or something.


  265.  #265mali on November 8, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    @Lyka- 257

    I’m going to write a speech for the next time she brings up the no-calling.

    I can understand why she is the way she is, on a logical level. But my heart is screming for love and understanding. I’ll simply tell her, “I feel really unsafe, Mum.” and then take it from there. I’ve noticed that when I get upset, I either keep it inside, or I end up exploding. neither is good.

    So I need to find a middle ground, a gentler way of expressing myself.

    Thankyou so much for your love and understanding, it’s really helping me to work my way through this, Lyka! =)

  266.  #266Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Awwww! I talked to my best friend in the whole world and told her the whole story about E. She said I am worrying for nothing and he’s probably not mad at me and probably don’t think I’m mad either!! This feels incredibly great!! I feel confident now you wouldn’t beleive it! This will help me going through at least another 3 days of leaning back!!!!!

    Awww I love her!

    Awww I live meeeee!!

  267.  #267Velvetine on November 8, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I was with a man I felt so connected and ‘meant to be’ with for 18 months but we broke up over 3 years ago partly because of my coldness, inability to express feelings and insecurity. I never really got over it but using your tools I eventually cut contact, built my self-esteem and dated. I felt strong and it was actually fun meeting other men and I had a serious relationship with one for almost a year during this time.

    Then surprise surprise, just as I was doing so well my ex showed up, asking me for dinner and eventually saying he had not stopped thinking about me and how amazing I was and wanting to get back together. But I was with someone else for the last year who was a good man! So I said no and I was so happy he had shared this with me but I was happy with someone else and it was too late.

    Anyway, after that I felt so confused and I realised that I did still love this man very much and maybe we had both changed and I needed to take the risk. So after a month of thinking I eventually broke up with the other guy and just a week later contacted my ex to let him know. It turned out he had started seeing someone else! I was shocked. He ended it with her immediately and I never asked about it and for the last 4 months things with us have been so lovely and secure.

    The thing is he recently met up with this girl as she was in town (totally innocent I don’t doubt his feelings for me at all). My problem is that although I trust he doesn’t want anyone else now, this brought up all sorts of weird emotions in me. I don’t want to control him or stop him doing anything or be needy, but I feel so much pain. Why could this be? We are so happy together and I chose him and him me. But I feel sick that he was with someone else just before we got back together and if he really liked me as much as he said why would he be with someone else so soon after he told me how he felt? But I know I did say no to him so he did nothing wrong…

    Anyway, I just want to know how to resolve this in myself as it is so intense and surprises me. I just flip and feel stabbed. The thing is, people and just cool stuff he did from the last three years are bound to crop up (I never ask but they will). So how do I deal with my intense feelings honestly in his presence when they do appear? I want to be all cool and not bothered. But in reality when I feel so sad do I tell him or leave the room or what? I know this is my issue but I feel like I need to share that I am upset and finding it difficult at the moment, but that I appreciate his honesty but I’m just gonna feel weird for a bit.

    Any suggestions about dealing with these feelings with him and alone? Is this sporadic weirdness going to push him away? I know I got up to all sorts when we were apart. Am I a hypocrite? Why do I have these feelings? I have worked so hard and feel so much happier and more confident, so having these feelings again scares me. Arrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  268.  #268Ella on November 8, 2011 at 3:53 pm


  269.  #269Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Ho ho!! I started taking a look at some pictures on Facebook. Pictures of last summer with P… and now feeling nostalgic. And I want to call him to apologize and say I want it to be like before!!!!

    Now I have to motivate myself for a double lean back!!!

  270.  #270Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Oh no! I called him! I called P! I told him I was watching these pictures and it made me feel nostalgic. He said it was very nice of me to call. Not that he was happy that I call. He ask about my day but we did not chat long, he had to go back to work…

    I feel so stupid and not proud of myself at all.

    But I miss him so much.

    Oh I’m so bad!!!!!!!!!!! 🙁

  271.  #271LILI 41 on November 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm


    I registered to the love summit yesterday.
    I spent a couple of hours listening.

    It’s the 1st time I hear Deepak Chopra. I really like him. I can imagine being around him every day, makes me want to be loving like him.

    Thank You FW! It’s great!

  272.  #272Daria on November 8, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    feeling good yet kinda mmph desiring of relief and yet sleepy

    drank a big beer with my CDate

    now feeling sleepy…

    i got soup on the stove tho

    i asked this other CDguy to bring me over but i don’t think he can since he didn’t call back

  273.  #273Ella on November 8, 2011 at 4:57 pm


    Don’t panic.

    However, maybe time to get another Rori programme. Maybe Toxic Men or Targetting Mr Right.

    And take the focus off him and back on to you.

    The work starts here.

    It is worth it if you want to do it.

    I am far from perfect and yet I believe I have come a long way too.


  274.  #274Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Elk! – and massages!! 🙂

  275.  #275Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Ella – and massages!! 🙂

  276.  #276Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Lol lol lol

    I want to call him back to say I’m sorry that I call you earlier. I’m making up excuses here!

    This is not a good day for me. It has to end. I’m off to bed!

    Good night girls!!

  277.  #277Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Lol lol lol

    I want to call him back to say I’m sorry that I call you earlier. I’m making up excuses here!

    This is not a good day for me. It has to end. I’m off to bed!

    Good night girls!!

  278.  #278Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Thank you Ella

  279.  #279Butterfly Wings on November 8, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    135 – Thanks Esteemed! How’s your new house going??

    137 – Thanks TGirl!

  280.  #280mali on November 8, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Lizka: Big hugs, dear!

    Don’t be so harsh on yourself- remember, we all fall off the wagon at some point.

    Just let it be, and let yourself be. This is a learning experience- now you know what *not* to do next time. Let him come to you.

  281.  #281Lizka on November 8, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Thank you Mali! It Feels relieving (can we say that in English?)! But I’m afraid I will do it again and again… 🙁

    Tomorrow I promise I’ll focus on me me me! I will go buy cosmetics, I will clean my house cause it’s so messy, I will watch my favorite tv show and mayne even go for a little jog!

    For now, hop! to bed so I feel energetic for this beautiful programm that is “taking care of myself”!

    Good night all! Thank you for your help and wonderful and precious advices!

  282.  #282Starla on November 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Lizka, you’re doing fine, sweetheart! We all give in and lean forward, and generally we end up feeling awful from it! It’s a great way to learn first hand not to touch the hot stove:)

    Sweet dreams. Everything is going to be okay.

  283.  #283Starla on November 8, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    So I keep going back and forth between anger and fear that CF and I haven’t been in much contact, and the urge to just let it go because a week and a half without much contact doesn’t mean much of anything in the long run when you’re just dating.

    but i am obviously so consumed by all this, if you can’t tell from the volume of my posts about it.

    i called my girlfriend to come over for some distraction.

    for now, my plan is to control my own self and how i choose to handle this emotionally. i think mostly i am just dwelling and stuck because i want to control things.

    but what is controlling things this week going to get me? not a whole lot. the prize is the relationship i want, not “feel less discomfort in a fleeting moment.” And for that, I must lean back.

    I’ve been doing a great job of leaning back in practice, but i think it would feel good to start focusing on leaning back mentally/emotionally. It’s great that I’m not leaning forward to him, but I am starting to feel a lot of hurt and pain and my vibe is way lean forward. In fact, I’m feeling desperate.

    Well, tomorrow night I’m going to a concert without him and with a couple buddies. That will be great for my vibe to lean back, provided I don’t start texting him to pick me up from the show. Because when I get even a little alcohol in me, I lean forward like crazy.

    The sad thing (or great thing) is that he would come for me if i asked him to. and he would be so happy to see me. but we are just dating and he is courting me and I AM THE PRIZE so i must lean back.

    maybe i can just shut my phone off tomorrow night so i don’t feel tempted to lean forward.

  284.  #284Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    Hi Velvetine what is your heart telling you to do?

  285.  #285nikita on November 8, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    what feeling is ” rejected “??????????????

  286.  #286T-Girl on November 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    I’m listening to a conference call with Jonathan Aslay and Cherry Norris about relationship ready men that is really good:


  287.  #287Emerson on November 8, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Thanks sirens for your feedback to me about Recycled and Ocean…
    My correspondence with Ocean has been very nice and flowy..he’s really responding to the FMs and I’m trying to keep it real and authentic…
    He did ask me to meet this week…yay! 🙂
    But I’m too busy.. wahh 🙁 so it will have to wait till next week…I will see what he says in reply..

    I’ve been so successful filling up my time this siren has to put off a date for a week!! LOL
    its all good tho…

  288.  #288Emerson on November 8, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    286 I love Jonathan Aslay 🙂

  289.  #289Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    Ah…I heard back from V. today, too. That was nice. 🙂 So validating to know that what I say has merit sometimes. Sometimes all I think i want is a response. lol. But most importantly, he said he was available to answer my questions. I asked if he’d be willing to meet. Not sure if he’ll go for it. But it would just feel better to me to be able to ask my business-y questions on person. There will be a much better dynamic there than if I just say it over email. I am much better face to face anyway. 😉

  290.  #290Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    re#274 – my phone was being whack. I meant “ella” not “elk”! lol! (hence the re-post:)

  291.  #291Femininewoman on November 8, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I’d like to offer you just one thing to be aware of that is almost guaranteed to make a man question your relationship.

    For all the talk about men finding women to be whiny, overly emotional and such, the truth is that men actually like a woman’s emotions. Men expect a woman to see things differently and to equate their feelings with nearly everything. Even though this sort of behavior can be frustrating for men at times, they still actively seek out women.

    However, what makes almost any man feel like he’s made the worst mistake of his life is when women act independent, strong and confident during the beginning of a relationship, yet, once they feel comfortable, they begin to allow ALL of their emotional needs to manifest.

    Here is how this happens. In an attempt not to be overly emotional, clingy and demanding, often women overcompensate. They learn how to project confidence and strength. Early in a relationship, a woman may tolerate behavior that bothers her, because she doesn’t want to appear to be viewed as a nag, weak or the dreaded b-i-t-c-h. But trouble is brewing. Once the woman feels comfortable in the relationship, the feelings that she has suppressed will begin to surface. It’s just a matter of time.

    If you act confident and strong through suppressing your feelings, it actually gives a man the wrong
    impression. He will believe that nothing bothers you. While men don’t like conflict, what they find
    irresistible is a woman who is authentic. A man will seek out a woman who has the ability to put her heart ahead of any man and who has courage to be imperfect.

    When a woman knows these secrets, she will be successful with men that she dates. When she marries, she’ll own her husband’s heart.

    Bob Grant

  292.  #292Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Hi Mali –

    I just wanted to jump on here to say, I know how you feel!!!! Oh, my G-d, do I know…your mom sounds a LOT like my mother. Okay, my mom was a bit more subtle. But she is an emotional manipulator.

    When I was in college, she used to make me come home during summers when I didn’t want to. She would use emotional manipulation, psychological coercion, and if you can believe it, mathematical equations. But she always completely IGNORED how I felt. Telling her usually did nothing except exacerbate the situation – it still does, 10 years later.

    The best way that I found to deal with her “expectations” was to not make an argument or try to get her to understand how I felt. There are certain people on whom feeling messages do not register because they just don’t have the empathy. No. What I would do is simply inform her of what I was going to do. She couldn’t argue, and I would usually find that she would just go along with it.

    Mali, I want to congratulate you for being so brave as to share your feelings and your frustration here. It’s taken me another ten years to get to this place, where I could recognize her actions for what they were. You are doing SO well to notice this now. So brava to you.

    My advice, if you want it, is to simply declare what you are going to do. I DIS-recommend a feeling message, because she will likely interpret it as an assault, and find a way to make you feel WORSE. That was my experience. But if you say something like, “I’m not going to call you every day, Mom. I’ll call you on Sundays and Wednesdays.” Or every other day. Or every three days. Whatever feels comfortable to YOU. You are busy. You are at University. You have every right to choose your own schedule.

    What she wants is reassurance. She is probably worried and wants to know you are okay, and wants to know you care. As you’ve observed, she’s had a hard childhood, too, and may be going through an abandonment phase as well. So you can have compassion for her. But do not let her feelings run your life. Just decide what is best for you, and do that. I think she will be pleased if you keep her informed. And if not, then you can tell her that you might need some time to think.

    I hope that helps. Many hugs to you!!! (((M)))

  293.  #293Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Nikita #285 – check and see how your body feels?

  294.  #294Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Starla – You ARE the prize!!! tehee 🙂

    Of course, if he would come get you, and you’re sure, and you’re a little drunk, that almost sounds cute. Asking for help – does that qualify as leaning forward? (other opinions?). Because if the guy WANTs to help out, that could ultimately be a good thing, right? Guys love to be useful. Maybe I need to listen to my own advice…lalala

  295.  #295Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Okay, spamming the blaaahhhg. I know why I’m always the last one on here. I’m on the West Coast and all of y’all are asleeps!

    But here’s what I’ve been thinking, about my financial situation. Or rather, about my emotions around it. (I know this is a blog about relationships, but I really believe that how we deal with money is rooted in relationships as well).

    I’m noticing something. I am noticing A SHIFT.

    What’s different? Well, my financial situation is pretty grim. It’s been grim before. And it could probably be grimmer (I’m grateful that it’s not. I have a lot to be grateful for). But it looks like it’s pretty bad. In the past, I would be beating myself up right now. I would be feeling a lot of emotional pain. What’s different now, is that I am NOT DOING THAT. I am not congratulating myself by hating myself. I am not “rewarding” my inner pain system with the reinforcement of negative thoughts about myself. no.

    And it’s weird because, the thoughts just AREN’T THERE. I’m thinking to myself, “I’m great. I’m beautiful. I am talented. I’m desirable.” The number in my bank account does not register there!

    I do need to get money from somewhere, that’s for sure. But I didn’t sit around and mope. I got out there and I promoted myself like Hell, that’s what I did.

    I would say it felt great – and it did feel great. But mostly, it felt normal. So exciting! My life feels full, and rich, I feel productive. I feel like things are happening. I am more engaged. yay! 🙂

  296.  #296Starla on November 8, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Tiffany, thank you for your comment!:)
    He’s always happy to help. That’s one of the many reasons I fancy him so much.

    I think I’m finally calming down and coming down off this intense crack fix withdrawal issue i’ve been having. i am feeling a little detoxed and my goal tomorrow will be to put it all out of my focus and focus on myself. now that i have the act itself of leaning back down, i’m gonna focus on the mindset of leaning back tomorrow.

    i am learning and growing so much!

  297.  #297Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    I also just realized that it has been about a year since I found the blog. It’s my blog-birthday!

    Last year, at about this time, I was breaking up with D. He was my last “boyfriend.” (I’m not counting M, because M was more like my first CD.)

    It has been a long year! And by “long year” I mean a year filled with men! Hot men. Stinky men. Annoying men. Cute men. Cuddly men. Men who call. Men who flirt. Men who fall off the face of the earth. Men who make better dates than friends, and men who make better friends than dates.

    I am so very grateful for all these men! I am grateful to have so many teachers who help expose the gorgeous, beautiful, sultry goddess who, really, wants to reveal herself – that is me!

    Yay, me 🙂

    And I’ve also been noticing today just how different *I* feel about men and relationships. I feel SO much less anxious. SO much less insecure. SO much less obsessive.

    I know you wouldn’t know it by reading my posts. But I used to obsess a LOT more. I used to lean forward ALL the time. I used to write crazy, dramatic letters to guys – and sometimes even friends. And it ruined some relationships. I am so much healthier now. And I think I have this community, and this space to thank for that. Because now, if I am going to “obsess” I can come here and write about it. If I am feeling anxious, I can express it here, instead of calling or texting someone I shouldn’t.

    Thank you, thank you, all. And thank you, Rori.

    I know it isn’t Thanksgiving yet, but THANK YOU!!! 😀

  298.  #298Tiffany on November 8, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    @ Starla – you and me, both! 😉

  299.  #299Daria on November 9, 2011 at 12:53 am

    back from CD !

    had hella fun just being myself

    even while feeling tense and judgmental kept practicing

    go me

  300.  #300Daria on November 9, 2011 at 12:56 am

    Nikita – yeah rejected is more of a ‘head’ feeling

    it might feel in the body like humiliation, numbness blankness, rage, heartbreak… terror…



    feels scary bad

  301.  #301Daria on November 9, 2011 at 1:07 am

    I am feeling HORNy!

    i talked to one of my CD’s earlier who i felt angry at for standing me up

    he wound up apologizing tho at first he was trying to blow it off like he didnt mean to do it

    and i kept saying how i still felt mad

    and then he said something taht made me feel scared he was going to ‘leave’

    and i still stuck to my guns tho i felt sad

    and he stayed

    he stayed

    even for all the money and the power in teh game right now

    he stayed

    (thats a song)

    i feel thrilled




    i feel so excited and exhuberant


    i WIN!

    team DARIA

    i feel sooo happpyyyyy





    so good

    in my heart

    squeezy squeezy

    yeah so he was like

    “so you really gonna stay mad like that, i mean after i said i didn’t mean it, you’re gonna keep on being mad forever, ‘

    like in a kinda blamy tone

    and i felt bad

    and my tone got a lil lower but i found myself saying

    ‘well … i mean… yeah… i do still feel kinda upset’

    and then he didnt leave

    he just kept talking

    and i kept saying how i feel

    and then he switched the convo and asked about something else – (again, cuz the first few times it didnt shift my mind cuz i felt angry and focused) –
    welll i answered

    nd answered another

    and laughed

    and i gues he rescued it

    what a good job man, haha


    i fele happy! right this moment to notice his skill in communication there


    i feel happyyyy

    and then he like fell in love kinda right there



    i did it

    yeah and later

    i told him i wanted to get a crystal papi thang stick

    and he had to hold cuz i had another line

    so i told him i wanted to learn to squirt

    and he was like omg

    thats so sexy

    he thought it was so amazingly interesting it seemed


    and thats so cool

    just talking about my everyday feelings and things im into gets guys thinking im amazing

    and they always fall for it

    they always want to marry me when they hear i want to get married

    at first they try to logically argue against ‘fast’ marriage (if they don’t ‘get’ it from the start)

    but then after a few minutes and getting to know more about me they’re like

    omg i can see why a man would to marry you

    i want to marry you

    and then we talk about our family together

    and how we’re gonna treat our kids

    and how we’re gonna make love

    and then they’re like


    and im like

    ahh im a goddess

    yum yum yum

    they like my “touch”

    which is me holding my hand in the air and them rubbing me

    and they hug my body and massage me

    and get me the stuff i get excited about

    and listen to me talk about how i feel about the moone and the water

    and how i want to squirt


    and they want to help

    help help help me with everything

  302.  #302Butterfly Wings on November 9, 2011 at 1:39 am

    I feel GOOOOOOD! Today I mowed my lawn (what an effort THAT was!!), and after that I worked out and I’m feeling sooo full of energy right now!

    TH came over straight from work and is cooking dinner tonight too – a chicken stirfry! Yummo! And later we’ll go for a walk of probably 4-5km (2 and a bit miles??). I love our walks because it’s the only time when we really talk to each other. It’s so nice.

    I had lunch with a guy I used to work with today. I thought we’d only be an hour, but two hours later he said he had to get back to work. He’s married so I’m NOT going there, but he’s a good talker and he even paid for my lunch because it was my birthday yesterday! hehe!

    Tomorrow I have lunch with a gf and I’m getting stuck into tidying things in my office at home, and doing my tax.

    Keeping busy and not focusing on TH this week has been so good for me emotionally and when I go back to work next week I’m going to have to think of other ways to keep my mind off him while I’m there.

    I’ve also got a new mantra, which kind of makes me feel excited: “I am embracing 40!”. By that, I mean that I plan to make my 40’s the best EVER.

    I have so many things I want to do in my life, including meeting somebody I want to grow old with, building my coaching business which is focused on helping women build their confidence and self esteem, and turning my other online businesses into passive income generators! I’m so excited about all of this, and I have some wonderful mentors and inspirational people behind me so I have to succeed – it is just a matter of time! 🙂

    Gee… wish I was feeling like this a week or more ago! Now to maintain this for weeks and months on end! 🙂

  303.  #303Velvetine on November 9, 2011 at 1:43 am

    Thanks FW, my heart says don’t spoil this beautiful thing. Just enjoy what is now. But my body is in agony and I keep tainting everything with horrid images, can’t sleep 🙁

    Corin, was thinking of you. I’m gonna be taking a few days off work to write my dissertation and have been majorly procrastinating. We just need to enjoy the opportunity while we have it.

  304.  #304Ella on November 9, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Starla re 283,

    What helped me yesterday was sinking into my feelings and expressing them on here.

    So I let out all the anger and the squeeky voices, the fear, the hurt… looked like some crazy posts I am sure, and by the end of the day (and after my Zumba lesson) I was finally starting to feel some peace around it.

    And then he called anyway.

    Just what worked for me to shift my vibe when I was feeling leany forward yesterday.

  305.  #305Ella on November 9, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Tiffany re 290

    I quite like Elk 🙂

  306.  #306Ella on November 9, 2011 at 2:07 am

    BW re 302


    Go you! 🙂

  307.  #307Lyka on November 9, 2011 at 2:27 am

    Tiffany – #292:

    I like that!

  308.  #308Corin on November 9, 2011 at 2:39 am

    303-Velvetine. I just posted a response saying it felt so good to have a dissertation procrastination soul sister but then it vanished. Weird. Anyway, thanks for sharing that, I feel less alone! Today is THE day to actually get moving….I hope…

  309.  #309Corin on November 9, 2011 at 2:45 am


    I’ve just read your post detailing your situation. How are you expressing those feelings you talk about? I’ve learnt that ‘playing cool’ never works. If I’m upset, I’m upset and it will always leak out in sneaky ways if I try to bottle it. Do you believe you have to bottle some of this to make the relationship work? Can you express feeling fearfull (or whatever the underlying emotion is )?

    I’ve been listening to Gay and Katie Hendricks and they talk about how when a couple seem on different pages, retuning to sharing what they may be fearful of can help them to realise how closely they see things. They were talking about money problems but putting myself in your shoes I imagined I would feel fear here.


  310.  #310sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Thanks Lucy & FW, FW you often take away my breath with how blunt you can be…but that’s good thing as sometimes its what I need and always good advice and much appreciated for sure :-). Stala I used to get trigged by EMK but not now I’ve read a lot of his news letters and what he seems to be saying is if a guy is not making you happy is not stepping up then you have the ultimate power the choice to walk away! And I think also that’s what Rori ultimately says you have the choice to walk away. Sometimes I think its hard to read because we love them so and yeah the thought of walking away hurts like hell! I can relate to Marli with her mum I have this from mine the control the dissaproval but my parents are deeply religous and you don’t have sex before marriage etc and I’m the black sheep of the family never listened done my own thing than I got married to a guy from the religon and no one beleived I was being abused my family used to say I wasn’t trying enough till they moved down and saw how he was but it was to little to late I left they supported me took me in, for that I am always grateful! But then I met Mr P and he isn’t religous and I had left the church and since that day mum never looked at me the same always dissaproving unless I came back. She loves me in her way but has always made me feel like that like I’m bad, stuff she’s said even. But my dad bless him no matter what my dad is the same and that feels good I always have my dad!

  311.  #311Corin on November 9, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Starla, do you feel attached to calling your man Crack Fix? My initial reaction is that this is somewhat counter intuitive, given what you’re working on! I also believe strongly in the power of words to affect our subconscious (and conscious) thoughts and feelings. xx

  312.  #312Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 3:47 am

    Happy blog-birthday Tiffany! Sorry I’m late but I was indeed sleeping!

    And good morning to you all!

  313.  #313Susan on November 9, 2011 at 4:51 am

    Hmmm… The blog looks different to me today. Does it look different to other people too?

    For those interested in losing weight in a natural way, I’m posting this link. http://savingdinner.com/articles/foods-holding-health-hostage-break-free-finally-lose-weight/ I’ve used her recipes before and her approach is quite sane and easy to follow.

  314.  #314Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 5:05 am

    I feel very inspired by you all this morning! Today my objective is to focus on myself. Me and only me!!

  315.  #315Lyka on November 9, 2011 at 5:06 am

    The Whole Is Greater
    Women’s Circles

    Women’s circles perfectly illustrate the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

    Women’s circles are formal or informal gatherings in the interest of bonding, sharing energy, and creating ritual. The origins of women’s circles are ancient, but their applications are as modern as the women who participate in them. There are no hard and fast rules as to how to form a women’s circle or how to run one. Some circles invent their own agendas, rituals, goals, and ceremonies, while others borrow ideas from sources as far-ranging as Buddhist or Native American cultures. Some circles are open to new members at all times, while others prefer to practice with a set number of members, closing the circle once that number is reached.

    In a typical gathering, the women who are present sit in a circle. Generally, for the sake of cohesiveness, one woman is chosen to lead the circle each time. Allowing a different woman to lead each meeting allows for a multi-perspective approach to the process. One circle leader may choose to create and teach a ritual involving using the voice to release negative energy, while at the next meeting another leader may feel inspired to lead a silent meditation. On the other hand, a circle may choose to be more focused over the long term and gather around a particular intention, such as working together to determine a course for healing Mother Earth. When the healing feels complete, the women may choose to stay together with a new focus for their work, or the circle may disband.

    At their best, women’s circles perfectly illustrate the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The work that can be accomplished within the loving embrace of our sisters is far more powerful than what we could achieve on our own. If you are not already part of a circle, you may want to start one. Follow your intuition as to the women with whom you’d like to work, reach out to them, and set a date to begin. After that, you can simply allow the circle to create itself. Men need not be forgotten when it comes to circles and they, too, can come together to form their own circles and create strong bonds and healing in a way that is specific to all men.

  316.  #316Lyka on November 9, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Susan, the icons were not showing for me earlier on but they are now.

  317.  #317Nikita on November 9, 2011 at 5:18 am

    I feel numb-ish

    And some terror…..I feel a little terrified of feeling more numbness. I don’t want to feel numbness

  318.  #318Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 6:03 am

    I am listening to this on Art of Love summit

    Deepening Intimacy: How to Be Seen and Heard in Love
    With Robert Gass & Judith Ansara
    The potential magic and aliveness of your relationship can often be deadened by harmful habits and the pressures of daily life. Rather than connecting, couples begin growing apart. Plus it’s often a woman’s greatest fear—becoming invisible to the one she loves. Understand how to work with your partner to cultivate deep listening and safe space. You’ll also learn:

    Several beautiful guided processes, including a leap into your partner’s body and a deeply spiritual journey
    How to approach the challenges you both face so that the solution is a win-win for both of you
    Why being 50/50 even partners in the relationship is a dangerous myth, and what to do about it
    How to get out of the blame game and into personal responsibility

  319.  #319Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 6:07 am

    sammie sighs I like how you frame your perspective about what EMK says. We always have the opportunity to take the meat and leave the bones.

  320.  #320Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 6:09 am

    Velvetine I always believe “follow your heart”. I have not always done it but then I acknowledge that regretted whenever I didn’t. I am now learning more and more to listen to my heart.

  321.  #321Corin on November 9, 2011 at 6:50 am

    I’m listening to that too. I found Colette Baron-Reid & Marc Lindeman to be dull, dull, dull and a bit fake; they lost me when their biggest problem was ‘parenting’ their dogs. This one seems a bit more useful for me.

    I would love to hold my lost little girl with tenderness. That’s such an exciting goal for me.

  322.  #322Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 7:09 am

    RE 321 I did also get a sense of superficiality from them but I just let it go.

  323.  #323Susan on November 9, 2011 at 7:18 am

    RE: 321: Corin says:

    “I found Colette Baron-Reid & Marc Lindeman to be dull, dull, dull and a bit fake; they lost me when their biggest problem was ‘parenting’ their dogs.”

    I had the same reaction. Listening to that was a waste of time.

  324.  #324Susan on November 9, 2011 at 7:22 am

    I am listening to “Cindy Laverty, Heidi Banks, Faith Deeter, and Dr. Ken Druck” in regards to grief. I’d have to agree with what they are saying. I have deceased children, so this speaks to me.

  325.  #325Starla on November 9, 2011 at 7:28 am

    Corin 311
    I suppose you’re right! I’m going to think of a new name for him.

    Really I just love his real name…but I shant be using that. And his initial is “i” which is kinda hard to follow in a sentence like “Me and I went on a date” lol

  326.  #326Starla on November 9, 2011 at 7:29 am

    well ladies
    i called in sick to work today
    hint: i’m not actually sick.

    i’m gonna focus on me me me today. i really need it.

    feeling lucky to have a job where i have the freedom to do this!

  327.  #327Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Oh Starla I think I’m gonna do that too!! I have many many sick days at my job and I feel thankful for it!

  328.  #328sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 8:46 am

    #324 (((hugs))) as a mum reading that brought tears to my eyes, thanks for sharing x

  329.  #329Starla on November 9, 2011 at 10:30 am

    hi sirens, i am focusing on myself today so for a change i’ll be posting about not a boy.

    i thought i found my dream sofa online, but it occurred to me that the great reviews were fakes. The poor reviews were offered by users who ordered and reviewed many products, and the good reviews were all by people who had only ever reviewed the sofa.

    i feel discouraged:( it looked so awesome. http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Linden-Convertible-Tan-Microfiber-Sectional-Sofa-Bed/4765225/product.html

  330.  #330Tiffany on November 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

    @ Mali – I can also understand your need for love and understanding. What I’ve learned over the years is that my mother is only capable of giving love in the way that she understands it, and that often doesn’t feel like love to me. So I’ve given up trying to get it from her, knowing that she can’t give it to me in the way that I need.

    I try to appreciate what she does give me, and I do find that I get the love and understanding and appreciation that I really need from other sources.

    It’s not ideal. It’s not perfect. And it’s not what I want. because I would really love for my mom to be able to love me the way I need to be loved. But she just can’t. And I have to accept that. Not accepting it, and trying to make things “different” only makes me feel worse. 🙁

    more hugs.

  331.  #331Starla on November 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

    lookss like ikea has something similar and for less, maybe i can check them out today

  332.  #332Jilly on November 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Hey Sirens 🙂

    Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted…I’ve been a busy bee (I’ve started a weightloss coaching business 🙂 that’s my POP 🙂

    But just an update…I’ve been CDing an awesome guy…I almost gave up on him because I didn’t feel the chemistry…but I really liked being around him..

    we’ve gone out to dinner, to a concert, a haunted corn maze, out for hot chocolate, a movie…

    and then this last Sunday I was home sick (but feeling better by the time he came over) and he came over and brought popcycles and then he laid down and snuggled with me and then we started our 1st!! make out session and WOW he is the most amazing kisser and stuff ;)..who knew!! lol

    so um ya…I feel interested now lol

    he is soo genuine and nice and on and on..

    I feel good and happy and taken care of with him and he thinks I’m super sexy…doesn’t get any better than that! 🙂

  333.  #333Starla on November 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

    still keeping the focus on me

    la la la

    havent looked at his facebook or even thought much about him.

    i’m gonna go get myself some lunch. lovely:)

  334.  #334Starla on November 9, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    thanks for sharing your nice story jilly:)

  335.  #335Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Wow Jilly

  336.  #336Daria on November 9, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Talking to guys on the phone at night feels great and I feel a lil sad. Thinking I will feel better to Not talk and set up dates instead.


  337.  #337Jilly on November 9, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    thanks Starla and FW 🙂

    FW I liked reading your #2 post…I’ve missed a lot..how are things going for you?

    Starla..you’re doing great 🙂 way to lean back!! yay for you!

  338.  #338Daria on November 9, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I’m just sayin u can do better …

    I’m worried about hawkman.

    He disappeared on the date of our planned date and hasn’t called since

    He had been calling multiple times a day up to that day even tho I didn’t pick up more than every few days

    If he’s dead or in jail I can’t Really do anything about it, except visit him. I feel worried tho. I think he may be in jail.

    I don’t really have too many ways to check, but my girl does know this guy he knows so eventually I will find something out.

    I feel sad writing that.


    I’m just sayin u can do better.

    I feel pist.

    I don’t want to go on back to ignoring that itDoesnt feel good when men regularly die or are captured and held

    And I don’t want to traumatized myself either

    Feeling angry!

    Feeling crying.

    I’m feeling horny lately and abut needy.

    I’m feeling a lil sad now.


  339.  #339Daria on November 9, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Feeling a lil better after getting a call from one of yesterday’s CDs.

  340.  #340Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Jilly I am leaning back, learning a lot and watching all kinds of different guys coming and going. I have feeling more and more proud of myself and waking up in the morning and consciously choosing gratitude. I am feeling so proud of myself and just acknowledging that my life will not fall apart if my favorite keeps distance. I have been listening to Art of Love and wanted to share this feedback from a listener. That particular session was really heart opening for me. It really helped me to acknowledge that I can share admiration, respect and compassion with others

    Dear Art of LOVE,

    Robert and Judith’s seminar was truly magical!

    I was so moved by the experience of “jumping” into my husband David’s body when Robert and Judith guided me to imagine waking up as him, moving through his day, seeing myself through his eyes, and experiencing his thoughts and emotions, hopes and fears, sorrows and joys.

    It seems like such a simple exercise when I’m describing it, but being led through every step of the process during the seminar somehow allowed me to truly “see” and understand David so much better.

    It’s only a few hours later, and I can already feel this empathy carrying over into every aspect of how I look at and interact with him.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Sincerely, Sharon.”

    We couldn’t have said it better ourselves!

  341.  #341Missy on November 9, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    WOW…interesting stuff I am learning from you all and I want to thank you for giving me some insites on myself and my reactions to (will call him D.) of late.

    I am new here…just found this site today, so not really sure how all this works, nor have I had a chance to order & read rori’s ebook yet! (BUT I MOST CERTAINLY WILL) lol 🙂

    I am not comfortable giving too much info out yet, but D. and I are in a long distance *thing, lol* (emails, IM, phone/text etc.) and having a bit of trouble with the whole not being able to see each other in person…so things are a bit strained…to say the least!! I am having a really hard time with feeling I have no control…and that is extremely HARD for me!! lol I am learning now I need to just step back and let things flow, but here is the thing:

    I had a bit of a jealous feeling going on night before last and I think that really sent him reeling as that was a huge thing with him & his ex-wife…and part of the reason he left. He & I had just *somewhat* mended things from a previous tiff…and then I think I BLEW IT! He seemed “OK”, but I could tell it surprised & scared him a little. I didn’t hear from him except for the answer to my text yesterday morning (which was a bit aloof) and I responded with something like: “sorry I bothered you…guess you are too busy to call then.” So didn’t hear from him all day yesterday or last night.

    This morning however he texted “Good morning!! Hope you slept well and have a great morning”…to which I sent a frowning face lol, and then another text saying ” I give up…YOU WIN! I can see your heart isn’t in it anymore!!” OMG…WHY DID I DO THAT??? He didn’t respond of course *why would he want to?* and now I am terrified I really BLEW IT!!

    He is so good & so sweet, but I really freaked out on him…because he isn’t giving me the attention he was giving me at first when we were just friends & getting to know each other. There were such the most amazing emails before…telling me what he felt and how he was thinking of me all the time…not to mention the calls & texts saying the same things. But now all that has almost come to a halt and I am feeling idk I guess the best word I can think of is NEGLECTED!! I am hurt & confused, but more than anything…I miss him & his sweet soothing voice and the loving words he would say to me…and I don’t want to lose him over my stupidity!!!!!

    I am so very sorry this is SO long, but I could REALLY use some feedback on what to do NOW!!

    Missy ♥

  342.  #342Camille on November 9, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    FW………..Thank you for sharing that what a wonderful excercise to do with ones partner ……or anybody for that matter.

    Just to share, yesterday was my birthday….and after using Roris tools for a few months now ………I am happy to say it was my best birthday since I was a chid……….”T” really stepped up and treated me like a queen, and for the first time I was appreciative, but I felt like I deserved it.

  343.  #343Femininewoman on November 9, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Congrats Camille and happy belated.

  344.  #344sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Nearly walked away from Mr P today..hanging by a thread I love this guy even though I was married he is my first love (corney I know) trouble is not sure who he truly is he hurt me so bad but helped me pay for court to fight for my kids(which I won 🙂 He had bad child hood abused and his dad cheated on his mum with them in the room. Our biggest trouble is trust his fb, life is littered with exs “friends” they love him and yes there has been flirting and now his added old babysitter on who fancies him lol..yet his telling me he wants me in his life he loves me, sent flowers because I was ill offered to send shopping although his in Iraq, making plans to take me away….don’t know what to do…I’m scared

  345.  #345Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    I did it! I focused on myself today and I’m feeling so better than yesterday! It helped me to stay lean back with P PLUS I got good results at work wich helped me to stay more focus!

    But I had to call E and I don’t feel guilty because I had to tell him that I did not get the tickets for the hockey game that I was expecting but we’ll go to another show instead! And he sounded pretty happy that I called and I think that I could hear him smiling. Great feeling!

    He did not propose a date for the weekend but Maybe he will if I keep leaning back? Or he won’t, and in that case I will just enjoy my weekend and just rest and take care of myself!

    I have no idea where all this motivation comea from but it feels incredibly hilarious! Or maybe it’s from you girls?

    Anyway! I feel like something great is gonna happen to me very soon!!!!!

  346.  #346sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Do I share this with him or is it my business?? We chatted on skype tonight his back 4 December and has his kids but has arranged to stay on till 2nd Feb to be with me for a week and take me out! And before I went he said “Sam” I said yes he said ” I love you, I really love you”…and then sent an email saying the same….but words are easy aren’t they ….so confused…

  347.  #347Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    So after work I wet for some shopping downtown and I saw all these Christmas trees and heard Christmas music and it reminded me that Christmas is in what? 6 weeks! Amazing! I litteraly live all year long for this Holiday, I just love it! So I think I’m gonna focus on Christmas in the next few weeks because it makes me feel so good and happy!

  348.  #348Ella on November 9, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    I am feeling really, really dog tired today.

    I know I abandon myself when I work so hard… and get so tired… it feels awful.

    And I don’t know how to change this situation.

    I mean I want to do well with my businesses anyway… that feels good to me, but its all the extra work I have to do to make ends meet that gets me.

    The thing is I have so many debts and I have a mortgage to pay.

    I don’t want to sell my place bc it would feel like all that work over the last years to get it would be thrown away (I am in negative equity).

    I just can’t believe I have got myself in this situation and have so many debts… its a pointless ratrace… cus I have worked so hard, for so many years and still have gotten into debt!!!


    And now all I want to do is live a simple life that feels good, I don’t even want to earn lots of money, but I am working like a dog to try to pay back my debts.


    It feels so hard sometimes and I feel so alone.

    I just get fed up sometimes and feel like throwing things.

    And when I feel this tired everything with men seems hopeless too.

  349.  #349sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    No I will not email how I feel this is my issue..I will be in the moment I have blocked his name on fb so I can’t see what’s going on and I will just be and if he is not the one it will show and he will be out of my life naturally. All I am doing is trying to control something I am unable to control..I will be my warm, open, relaxed loving self and what ever will be will be …… I once read when we open our heart we let the good in with the bad..better to feel then be numb I’m tired of Fear and being numb!! I will use this as an opptunity to heal my fear …aw bless my fear x

  350.  #350sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    (((Hugs))) Ella yeah I too work so hard and still have debts to pay and with two kids sometimes I feel like I’m chasing my tail. Then I think hell no I am paying off my debts one by one I am working looking after my babies on my own I’m doing good!! Be proud your doing great Ella you will get there! But I know I’m tired and have been sick this week and I too start to feel blurgh all hopeless …but its not 🙂 x

  351.  #351Susan on November 9, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    RE: 345: sammie sighs says:

    “We chatted on skype tonight his back 4 December and has his kids but has arranged to stay on till 2nd Feb to be with me for a week and take me out! And before I went he said “Sam” I said yes he said ” I love you, I really love you”…and then sent an email saying the same….but words are easy aren’t they ….so confused…”

    My daddy used to say, “Love is not an emotion, it is a behavior.” Perhaps it is an emotion for women, but from men, we need to see the behavior for it to be believable.

  352.  #352Missy on November 9, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    ok I know comment 341 was LONG lol, is that why it’s still on moderation? (what does that mean anyway?) I am new here, but am in desperate NEED of some feedback here…before I am my usual self and do/say something incredibly stupid to him!! Plz HELP…Ughhhhh!!

  353.  #353sammie sighs on November 9, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Thanks Susan wise words indeed I guess time will tell….

  354.  #354Daria on November 9, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Just had fun talking to CDs on the phone now.

    Thank you Daria for answering my voicemails.

    Thank you for drinking water and raspberry tea.

    Thank you for feeding me yummy food.

    Thank you for practicing pleasure.

    Thank you for putting on socks and warming them up.

    And thank you for writing thank yous!

  355.  #355Daria on November 9, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Camille Happy Birthday Queen 🙂

  356.  #356Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Hi Ella! I can not help on your debts issue, but for the so tired part I can suggest something. It looks like nothing, but for me it works. Because I do that too. I work so hard that at the end of the day, I’m just totally exhausted and all I want to do is go to bed and I feel depressive and everything seems so negative. But for a few weeks now I’ve just try to drink more water (after I read this article), and it works!!! I feel much much better in my body and in my mind and I have way more energy and at the end of the day, I still have enough to eat a good dinner and not be too sad about the little things that bother me about my life.

    The article is mostly about loosing weight by drinking water, but it also explain what it does to your body and to your energy! Water feels good!


  357.  #357Camille on November 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Thank you Daria

  358.  #358Daria on November 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    i got another CDate set up now with guy who gave me the ride and the sandwich

    and later i asked him to get me a bottle of vinegar i wanted and he did, and i picked it up

    hes’ gonna get me another sandwich it was soo good

    he asked me to spend time in the laundromat by my house tomorrow and then we go somewhere…

    but i said no i don’t want to be at the laundromat lol

    and so he switched his plans to do his laundry early and then spend time with me after



  359.  #359Daria on November 9, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    hey about water… sometihng i feel excited that i am doing now

    i say nice things to my water before i drink it

    like every bottle or cup, i hold it and tell it its healing me, and hydrating me exactly where i need it, and bringing me good vibes

    and i ask it willi t help me heal me and i pretty much check to see if i feel “happy” vibes from teh water

    omgosh this makes the water so much easier to “digest” for me! its like it doesn’t slam and slosh in my tummy, it just soaks in where needed

    this has been great for me and i BET it would help with weightloss, healing, energy, and anything one asked the water for!

  360.  #360Daria on November 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    i just did my workout! my shoulders had been feeling so tight (i think from wearign a bra yesterday probably for a long time)

  361.  #361Daria on November 9, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    feeling sad

    mom just showed me a college acceptance letter i had about something we had a disagreement about

    and then i felt bad

    but i think i covered it up

    i felt judged and triggered and insecure an mad

    like oh no im being judged as not good enough or not having made the right choices again!


    feeling frustrated

    loveing me

    thank you Daria for noticing


  362.  #362Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Feeling tired. I did many things to please me today, I went to buy cosmetics like I promised to myself, I chat with the girls who work there who are all very good friends because I use to work there part time when I was a students, I bought my favorite cake for dinner and now I’m in the blankets with my sweet little dog and we’re watching some feel-good tv show. After I’ll watch the dishes because it’s getting very messy and I want to feel good in my environment. And I’ll sleep early again so I’ll feel productive again tomorrow!

    I love it!

  363.  #363Butterfly Wings on November 9, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Last night TH offered to lend me some money for something I have ALWAYS wanted. Even though I am not sure I should accept, I am so touched by his offer.

    Things have been tough between us, but he is still there for me and obviously still wants to do things for me. I’m not used to having someone in my life who is like that… 🙂

  364.  #364Ella on November 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm


    Feeling a lil better now.

    I took some care of me… washed my face, did my teeth, got comfy in bed and had a cup of tea.

    It will be ok.

    My life is good really.

    Thanks for the stuff about water Lizka… usually I am quite good at drinking water and it is def something I can easily forget when I am rushing around.


  365.  #365Jilly on November 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    FW…you sound really really good…thank you for sharing that session..it felt really sweet 🙂

    I too am waking up with gratitude…I stopped working at a “real” job and all summer I wanted to be doing what I’m doing…I just didn’t believe it was possible…but I’m doing it …and sometimes I feel myself not as happy…and I’m like WHOA…I am living my dream life right now…

    just goes to show that happiness is a choice…I don’t ever want to take this freedom for granted…(freedom from a “real” job)

    Daria…I love that you say nice things to your water before you drink it!! Brilliant! Did you read the book by I think it’s Dr. Emoto?


  366.  #366Ella on November 9, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I don’t need any feedback on this…

    This is just for me… trying some stuff out.

    Actually I am feeling a bit frustrated.

    Tbh, I’m actually looking for something that feels more real to me.

    I don’t want casual dating, so much as something that is more day to day and solid feeling to me.


    No I am not free right now.

    I’m not too sure how I feel about meeting up at the moment.

    No I am not free for last minute dates.

    No. No. No thank you.

    You will have to book me like all the others.

    Thanks and no thanks right now.

    Until it feels good.

    We shall see.

    Gently moving away.

    Losing its appeal.

    Wanting something real.

    You can still contact me.

    I am a warm, sandy beach…

    However ONLY if it feels good to me.

    ‘Do you want to meet up?’


    ‘No, to be honest I am actually looking for something that feels more real.’

    ‘Oh, blah di blah di blah’

    ‘Hmmm, well I do feel attracted, and I like you.

    And actually I don’t want casual. In my life right now I am looking for something a bit more solid and day to day. So I’m going to say no thank you’

    ‘la la la di dah’

    ‘Yes, we can still see each other… if it feels good to me. However I am not available right now.’

    ‘ok bye’

    ‘ok bye’

    ….. or whatever comes next

    Something like that.

    We shall see.

  367.  #367Daria on November 9, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    I think u can be whatever size woman as long as you can dance
    Grace is attractiveness
    The everyday dance

    It’s just a subtle shift of liking something about yourself

  368.  #368Lizka on November 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    Guess what? I almost didn’t think about leaning back today, it was just so easy because I was just focusing on myself (yeah I know, that’s the whole point of it!). Wow! That doesn’t feel that gard after all!

    Lizka’s first baby step! Wouhou! Feeling very proud!

    Tomorrow I’ll try to repeat the same thing again, and the day after also, and the other one and… I’ll be a siren too!

    Happy to share it with you! Good night all!!

  369.  #369Missy on November 9, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Please read 341 & comment if you will. It was in moderation for a long time & was missed I think.

    I did text him (which I am reading now was something I shouldn’t do) and thanked him for the nice text this morning…and apologized for my response saying I was feeling neglected & a bit insecure from our lack of communication yesterday and that I was hurt & lashing out…and I am truly sorry.

    He responded in kind with “Thanx for the apology. I was quiet today because that brought back thoughts of bad experiences with my ex and being told how I am feeling.”

    I replied with “I am so sorry D. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for that.” (And I left it at that.)

    He came to find me a little while ago in a game room, but I was reading (here, lol) and didn’t see him to respond…so he left. I went to the lobby of his game room to say sorry that I missed him and that I would catch him later.

    It was hard for me not to actually go in his Scrabble room because he was there playing with another woman, but I managed to fight back that urge! I hope that was the right thing to do!!

    OK…so now need feedback on my mistakes!! lol Please if you can…I need to learn from this so I don’t truly mess things up…because I really like him!!

    THANK YOU!! ♥

  370.  #370Butterfly Wings on November 9, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Woohoo! I bought a new dress today! It’s cute and flowy, just below the knees, and it’s black with little pink polka dots on it!

    Oh and I was kind of hit on by a guy selling raffle tickets for the lifesavers this afternoon. He told me that he’d definitely save me if I was drowning…! Thank god for that! lol

    TH is going out tonight but will be coming over later, so I have a quiet night in planned with my daughter. I let her choose what we’re having for dinner, so it’s burritos! 🙂

    I was thinking earlier about how I should have been dealing with TH whenever he did things I didn’t like and I realised that instead of putting him on the back of my horse and focusing on other things like me or going out and CDing, and maybe just bringing up later that “I don’t like …..” before dropping it, I’ve instead been attacking him for it.

    But despite my attacks, he’s still around. And I have absolutely NO idea why???? He has told me that he does have feelings for me, but I still wonder why he is still here, because I’ve let him have it sooo many times and surely he’s sick of it by now?! Maybe he likes being punished??? lol

  371.  #371Ella on November 10, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Hey Sirens,

    So I decided I am probably going to say something to CD1… providing it feels right, because honestly, seeing a man once a week, with the odd phonecall thrown in acually doesn’t feel so great to me.

    Particularly when I feel attracted and lil hooked in.

    I am just going to express how I feel.

    I’m not asking for anything… I want to share my feelings and state my intentions to the Universe, and probably out loud to him, about what feels good to me.

    And I don’t mind if he goes away.

    Our time together may be done anyway… I may have received everything from him I was meant to recieve.

    And actually what I want in my life right now are men who are coming at me consistently, wanting all my time, sewing up dates in advance.

    Something that feels real and solid, rather than just out of reach a and lil bit imaginary.

    So I will share… if it feesl right.

    Or I may just go with boundaries.

    If the situation comes up… we will see.

    I am really busy anyway and I am no longer going to give him priviledges on my time by allowing him to see me last minute where others have had to book in advance.

    So this is where I am at.

    Feel ok today… feel ok atm.

  372.  #372Ella on November 10, 2011 at 3:32 am

    Spate of guys with children contacting me atm…

    Not sure the message… maybe to help me get clear on whether I would be with someone who already has children??

    I feel unclear on this.

    I always thought I wouldn’t mind, and I still do if the man is right… however it is a big deal, and changes the dynamic of the relationship a bit.

    So maybe this is helping me to get clear on this, although atm I still feel unclear.

    One thing I liked about CD1 is that he says he doesn’t have children… and he does want them. That appeals to me.

    However the lack of contact seriously doesn’t!!!

  373.  #373Leo on November 10, 2011 at 3:50 am

    Hi Sirens!

    I hope you all are doing well and enjoying yourselves.

    I feel really great today although the weather is pretty nasty. But why not laugh with the rain, cause it keeps raining even if i stop laughing!

    A couple weeks ago, I felt that I was disconnecting from my man again. Again (just as in the spring) I was sad and upset about so many things he did or didn’t do. I forgot to look at the man, my man, I have there in front of me, who is such a great and lovely person. Through my study with Rori and C.Carter the one thing I learned that I am happy about the most, is to look outside of my own point of view. I started to try and perceive my own actions with his eyes and how it would feel to be him in those moments. He has been the best man ever for the past to weeks again. I feel exactly as I did 3,5 years ago… I feel so in love with him.

    I have my own life, university, sports and friends, and enjoy this a lot. I remember that 3 weeks ago I complained about him not calling me when I stay at my place. Will, he does now 😀 and even from work, even when he is busy.
    He is so affectionate, I cant really believe it. In the moment i then fear “he is gonna stop any second”…well…he doesn’t. And on Sunday we were watching this soccer game he was really into…well…we missed the last 20minutes because we went to the bedroom 😉 😉 😉

    Right now I feel so happy about him, and I feel like I want to show him all the love I feel for him. But I am very successful “holding it back” in the sense that I dont initiate. But the more I melt when being with him.
    It’s been so great and i am very much looking forward to the upcoming weekend.

    Have a lovely day, Sirens!


  374.  #374Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 5:03 am

    It’s raining here too, but I don’t care about the rain because I have this cute umbrella, pink with white dots ad when I use it I get compliments from everyone, specially the girls, and it makes me feel pretty!

  375.  #375Ella on November 10, 2011 at 5:12 am


    Yay great!

    Feels good to read.


  376.  #376Daria on November 10, 2011 at 5:45 am


    feel so good cuz i took a cab home from guy CD’s house instead of trying to take the buses later


    and i asked him for 5 dollars on cab (he indicated earlier that’s what he would offer)

    i kinda leaned forward and invited myself there

    because it was a nice cozy place for me to smoke

    so in that respect it served me well

    wooo so excited

    and the cab driver was nice when i asked him to go to the end of the street tho i only had 12 dollars

    and then he offered to take me all the way ! and so i said yes

    i felt anxious and noticed the tightness in my body, in and around my stomach

    about the cab driver taking me in for free

    and i relaxed my pelvis and let myself know its ok to feel all the eanxieties and i am now healing this

    and receiving

  377.  #377Daria on November 10, 2011 at 5:46 am

    feel uncomfortablr talking about having been to thid CD’s house

    maybe i don’t actually like accepting what he offers which is his house when i call

    tho sometimes i feel relieved for it


  378.  #378Daria on November 10, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Lizka your posts feel exciting to read.. yay

    i feel excited about taking care of me and about my cute fashion sense and loving me

  379.  #379Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 6:10 am

    Thank you Daria!! xoxo

  380.  #380Daria on November 10, 2011 at 6:10 am

    who loves being home right now

    me me me!

    instead of stressing and getting ready for a big effort,

    im home already on the computer!

    feel so excited about this!

    and thank you Daria for brushign my teeth and getting me water!

  381.  #381Daria on November 10, 2011 at 6:13 am

    mirror mirror on the wall, who has one of the most exciting lives of all

    whose reality is starting to bend

    and people treating her like a friend

  382.  #382Daria on November 10, 2011 at 6:14 am

    aaand i THINK i got a call from Hawkman so i feel relieved about his freedom and life

  383.  #383Ella on November 10, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Weee, lots of male attention on POF, including one step up feeling kinda guy… well 2 in fact.

    Although it does not feel real for me until I meet in person.

    So we shall see.

  384.  #384Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Hi Missy,

    I have learned that the feeling in control is one of the things that take away the romance out of relationships. It has driven me to playing games and manipulation in the past so that I have let go and focus on taking care of myself. I would encourage you to at least get the book as soon as possible. You will learn a lot there, for starters.

  385.  #385Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 6:47 am

    RE 348 Ella I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but one of the things I have recently come to grips with is the awareness that over the years I have beaten myself up exercising because I have hated parts of my body. I have told people in the past that my whole life I have tried to “get rid” of my butt. I know your situation is about taking care of yourself financially but I am wondering about your POP and your passion.

  386.  #386Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 6:51 am

    Ella I have said to guys that I am done with casual dating. I was surprised at the response I get. It seems the guys who are ready tend to try to impress when they hear that.

  387.  #387Mel on November 10, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Re: 386 Ella, FW

    This is the experience I had with architect. But I think the key was that when I expressed that I was not interested in casual sex and that I wanted something more meaningful, I was prepared to “walk.” Meaning… this is what I need/want in my life and I understand if you’re not on the same page here, but I’ll find someone who is. And I also only expressed this on his timeline. i.e.) I did not just bring this up with him. It was only when he suggested I stay the night that it felt appropriate.

    So therefore, timing + confidence + a man who is ready = relationship on next level.

  388.  #388Ella on November 10, 2011 at 7:48 am

    FW re 385,

    Thank you and no for me I actually love my body atm… And exercising has always felt good.

    I did not want to do too much exercise and actually just the way things are happening it is naturally just getting more and more.

    Re my POP, initially I was trying to do other things, that were non exercise based, to avoid overkill, and actually it just hasn’t worked out that way… the work that is coming to me is all fitness based.

    With the Pole Dancing, I only did 1 hour on Monday, and I still feel as though I was run over by a bus.

    I feel nervous about how it is going to be when I do the 2 day intensive training next weekend, and also when I am teaching Pole, along with all the Zumba classes that are lining up.

    My challenge is going to be how to take care of myself while doing these things…

    So far I have made a plan to stay at my Mum’s the weekend of the training.. she has a bath 🙂 and I think she will cook me something healthy meals too.

    The Monday after I will take as a rest day.

    And I think in general lots of stretching, hot showes, water and herbal tea. Good rest/sleep and a healthy diet as far as possible for when I start teaching more.

    What do you think?


  389.  #389Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 7:51 am

    I am feeling nauseous and I have a huge migrain. At work, I was annoyed by the voice of my collegues and I was feeling like I wabted to cry and started thinking about leaning foward with P and giving him a call and just cry and cry. Bad idea I know. And I didn’t do it. Instead, I took the rest of the day off and I will go spebd the rest of the day taking care of myself with sleep, water and relaxing. I’m feeling a little bit better just to think about it right now. On my way home 🙂

  390.  #390Ella on November 10, 2011 at 7:52 am

    FW & Mel,

    Yes… exactly.

    I am ready to walk… I would be saying this for me… as this is what I want. Regardless of whether it is with him.

    I feel ready to say this to CD1, if it feels right.

    I may or may not… or I may just say no to last minute dates.

    The thing is it has felt like a bit of an energy drain having him on the sidelines and ending up thinking about it.

  391.  #391Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 8:06 am

    RE 387 Yep.

  392.  #392tinque on November 10, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Ella – From everything you have said and everything I know about you, it DOES NOT sound like you are over exercising, i.e. disorder as in exercise bulimia.

    This is a topic I am well versed in, and if I had seen/noticed any red flags, I would have spoken up, for these disorders can and are insidious an very difficult to let go of once the tentacles have latched on.

    Yes you will be sore at first. This is something new. As in shape as I am, I walked around NYC on Tuesday for a few hours with my girl, and my shins still hurt because walking is an unaccustomed activity for me.

    You have the right idea and attitude, how shower, baths with epsom salts are AMAZING for tired, sore muscles, lots of water and healthy food.

    I wish all the best in your next new endeavor. I did a bit of pole dancing before, and it’s great fun.


  393.  #393Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 8:08 am

    RE 390 Ella I find that many times you second guess yourself. I would also take the chance and say that you seem to be running a program for “energy drain”, maybe a pattern for you? Looking at J and now CD1, plus also the workout program; they seem to hand the same underlying theme to me. But I am happy to wrong.

  394.  #394Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 8:09 am

    I feel like crying. As soon as I get home I’m gonna let it go. I miss P so badely and I have so much regrets on how I pushed him away when he was so into me at the begining. I know exactly what I did wrong…

    I want to cry I feel awful…

  395.  #395Ella on November 10, 2011 at 8:16 am

    FW re 393

    Yeah maybe.

    I am not second guessing myself.

    I have been feeling this way about CD1 for a while… and at first Sirens said ‘No, don’t say it to him’ and that it was ok to have him flowing in and out etc…

    However I sat with that for a while and I know, for me, from my deepest intuition, that it doesn’t feel ok, and that this is what I want to say, and how I want to handle this situation with CD1.

    Yes it is a repeated pattern for me to choose situations with men where I feel energy drain and obsession, and it is less with CD1 than with J…

    And today, and recently there have been some shifts.

    It is not really an issue anymore, aside from what I want to express, if the chance comes up.

    So I am thankful for the healing.

    I think the exercise is totally seperate, and healthy, if I can manage it in a healthy way.


  396.  #396Ella on November 10, 2011 at 8:18 am



    That feels so good to read.

    🙂 xxx

  397.  #397Ella on November 10, 2011 at 8:41 am



    Be gentle with yourself.. you sound like me.. a little while ago.

    I always blame myself too.

    What I’ve been realising recently is actually its no one’s fault… not his, not yours.

    AND you can feel how you feel.

    And you can express it, here.

    And if that looks like anger and blame that is fine.

    And actually he is just doing what he does… and you are just feeling how you feel.

    All it may mean is that if what he does makes me feel sad and bad… he might not be the man for me.

    Hope this helps.


  398.  #398Mel on November 10, 2011 at 8:50 am

    I’m feeling a little sad today. I have looked into the cost of flights back home for Christmas, and there’s no way I can afford it. Boo! I really don’t want to spend the holidays by myself. 🙁

    On Thanksgiving (Canadian) I was also feeling a little homesick and worried I’d be alone and I ended up having two Thanksgiving invites… so anything can happen!

    Universe… bring mea seat sale!!!

  399.  #399Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Please don’t judge me on this one…

    I undestand that leaning back is the best thing I can do to attract him, I totally see the reasons and the arguments.

    I was with P for 9 months, and in that time I had no idea of “Have the Relationship you Want”. I was a total manipulator and always poiting at him for things that I tought he was doing wrong. And he kept loving me even when I was a total b***. Until he, I guess, just couldn’t handle it. And I lost him. And I did the worst thing possible. I leaned foward like crazy!!!

    But recently, he agreed on going for a lunch with me and he said that if I can show him that I’m feeling better (this means no crisis, no manipulation, no crying). And a few days later he texted me. Just a nice and warm “hello” ! And the week after, he agreed on going for some drinks after work. He was actually really happy of it, did not sound like I was forcing him (like it use to be at the end of our relationship). And we had a great time and we ended up at my place and it was GREAT!!! And the next morning he was suppose to work at 8 but he stayed with me until like 10. I felt so happy with him!

    And when he got to work, he texted me to have a good day, Wow wow wow!

    I know I’ve been leaning foward in that story, but beleive me, it’s so nothing comparing to what I use to do like 1 month ago!! And I think he’s impressed of how I act and react… even if I’m leaning foward a little bit…

    Before we spent the night together, I told him that I would not feel god to do that if he’s not ready AT ALL to reconsidere me as a girlfriend in a near future… He agreed. This was my boundary. I know it’s a very low boundary, but it’s sincerely all I wanted for now.

    So now I know that he’s not totally closed to start dating again. But I don’t know how interested he is… I know him and I know he has a very zen attitude and he needs to feel it A LOT to make a step toward me…

    I know I should not lean foward, I know I know, I know!! But I’m really afraid that if I don’t move at all, he’s just gonna do nothing. It seems to have work a little bit my very light leaning foward in the last weeks.. Should I keep doing it very very very lightely? Or I have no other choice to lean back? I want to have him back so badely and I know I could do so much better if he comes back and I feel that we can find the way to love each other again…

    Please tell me what are your thoughts about this one… Am I really wrong to keep leaning foward a little bit until he’s interest shows up a little? I think about one phone call every week and maybe one date every two weeks?

    Let me know please!

  400.  #400Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 9:07 am

    Thank you Ella. Your message feels good but it made me cry. I feel lonely and I don’t want him not to be the one for me… I don’t know what to do…

  401.  #401Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Lizka I have learned a lot since I have been here and I have read a lot of others who post indicating that they have leaned forward in the Rori terms. In just about every instance, the guy ended up pulling back. It is based in the way men are hardwired and how attraction works for them. Leaning forward to get something from him will feel like pressure to him, is what I have accepted. Do you have Rori’s book? In there is a great example of what happens when we hold on and how our fists are pointed towards the man.

  402.  #402Ella on November 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Lizka re 400.

    I know… and he might be.

    And what I am saying is that if you stick with Rori tools, after a while you will get to a place where you may still like him to be… and still it won’t matter if he isn’t.

    Because you KNOW someone else BETTER for you will be.

    And its a process.

    Where you are is fine.

    Feeling the pain is fine.

    And it is YOUR pain… actually not to do with him as bizarre as that may sound.


    PS – the best chance you do have with him is using the Rori tools, its just that by the time he comes around to you… you may not want him anymore.

  403.  #403Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 9:24 am

    FW Yes I have the book, I read it and will start re-read it. I know what example you are talking about. But I feel that our situation is a little bit different (maybe I am wrong too), he wants us to be friends first, like we were before being a couple. I don’t want to lean foward for “dates” (I know I used the word dates in my previous post but I didn’t totally meant dates), I just want to lean foward for a friendship. And when we get to be friends like before, I plan on leaning back again and let him come to me.

    Still a bad idea? Is that manipulation?

  404.  #404VW on November 10, 2011 at 9:27 am


    would you have by chance the transcript for the art of love you listened to yesterday and made mention of on # 318 and would be willing to share?

    i would feel very appreciative…

    thank you 🙂

    warm hugs,

  405.  #405Ella on November 10, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Lizka re 399.

    For me I honestly believe total leaning back is the way to go in this situation.

    That means zero leaning forward at all.

    Because ultimately, for this relationship to work in the long term the dynamics need to SHIFT, and old patterns need to be broken.

    He needs to FEEL how very different you are and your energy is… and you will do that in leaning back.

    Plus after a time he will wonder ‘where is she?’ and come to find out.

    You can be a warm, open invitation when he approaches, so then he knows you want him.

    I know it feels hard right now.

    And if you can find enough peace to TRUST this process.

    You will be ok.

    Its life changing stuff.


  406.  #406Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Awww Thank you Ella, and FW too. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.

    “He needs to FEEL how very different you are and your energy is… and you will do that in leaning back.” the best argument I could have had.

    I still cry and I feel anxioius and afraid of what’s to come, but I’ll keep leaning back,

    Thank you all for sharing your ideas and your energy, This blog feels really helpful and I love being able to say what I think and how I feel and getting your point of view on these. I also like reading your own stories, they inspire me.


  407.  #407Starla on November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    So I did it, just as expected. Got drunk and leaned forward. He came to pick me up. I drunkenly told him how I feel about not being in touch. Told me he is basically head over heels for me and is holding back because he doesn’t want to screw it up. I made it clear that I adore him. He said he’ll start contacting me more

    Not my finest moment. I feel weird about it today. Freaking alcohol.

  408.  #408Susan on November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    RE: 399: Lizka says:

    “Please don’t judge me on this one…

    I undestand that leaning back is the best thing I can do to attract him, I totally see the reasons and the arguments.

    I know I should not lean foward, I know I know, I know!! But I’m really afraid that if I don’t move at all, he’s just gonna do nothing. It seems to have work a little bit my very light leaning foward in the last weeks.. Should I keep doing it very very very lightely? Or I have no other choice to lean back? I want to have him back so badely and I know I could do so much better if he comes back and I feel that we can find the way to love each other again…

    Please tell me what are your thoughts about this one… Am I really wrong to keep leaning foward a little bit until he’s interest shows up a little? I think about one phone call every week and maybe one date every two weeks?”

    My heart aches for you – you pain is evident. But when you are trying to achieve “one phone call every week and maybe one date every two weeks” you are trying to control the relationship. You are rowing the boat. Your man will never step up and row the relationship boat himself if you keep grabbing the oars.

    No one knows whether he will step up and be the man you need and give you the relationship you want. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. The fact that he did give you another chance and spend very pleasant time with you is a very good indicator, but it isn’t proof of anything. Him not contacting you right now might be his way of testing to see if you have changed as you have promised him you have.

    Leaning back doesn’t mean leaning back all the time. It does mean letting the man initiate things. Think of dancing. The man leads and the woman follows. She isn’t a suitcase he carries around – she is a partner that flows her energy around his decisions. Wherever he chooses to lead, she follows with passion and energy. She never leads.

    Give this guy a chance to lead. Maybe he won’t step up. Or maybe he will take the lead and really surprise you.

  409.  #409Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    RE 403 Yep Lizka. It is working for a specific outcome. He has to want friendship and if he does he will reach out. I am not comfortable with friendship with someone I am interested in romantically though. It is too hard for me so I totally take my energy out there. As friends the likelihood that he will introduce you to his “girlfriend” or someone he fell in love with is too high.

  410.  #410Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    RE 403 Yep Lizka. It is working for a specific outcome. He has to want friendship and if he does he will reach out. I am not comfortable with friendship with someone I am interested in romantically though. It is too hard for me so I totally take my energy out there. As friends the likelihood that he will introduce you to his “girlfriend” or someone he fell in love with is too high.

  411.  #411Femininewoman on November 10, 2011 at 9:41 am

    VW I have not bought anything from the Art of Love summit. I just try to listen every day, several times.

  412.  #412elle_emm on November 10, 2011 at 9:43 am


    lean back and focus on yourself and DATE OTHER GUYS…trust me. the more you fall in love with you and the more you let other guys in, the less you’ll care about what’s going on with him. and whether or not he wants to be friends. and everything gets better, no matter the outcome with him.


  413.  #413Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

    I feel so thankful for your help girls. I copied all your messages in my phone and I will re read them every time I feel like leaning foward.

    Thank you!!

  414.  #414VW on November 10, 2011 at 9:53 am

    oh, thank u FW!

    warm hugs,

  415.  #415Daria on November 10, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    Emotional fulfillment is what I want

  416.  #416Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I had a 4 hours nap and the migrain is still there. But I feel (a little) better about P and I think I’ll be able the lean back for a few more days at least. Hope he will give news very soon!

  417.  #417Lizka on November 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    I had a 4 hours nap and the migrain is still there. But I feel (a little) better about P and I think I’ll be able the lean back for a few more days at least. Hope he will give news very soon!

  418.  #418mali on November 11, 2011 at 6:18 am

    @Tiffany- Your understanding and empathy mean so much to me. Thankyou! <3

    I find it difficult to tell her what I will and won't do, as she views me as being an unmarried Muslim girl, and therefore, the responsibility of her parents. She has to worry about our community at Mosque, and what they will/won't say about us as a family… it's a lot of pressure, but it frequently gets in the way of what I want to do.

    I know that at some point we will have a serious discussion, that could potentially blow up, as I've stopped wearing the headscarf at university, but my parents don't know. It's a decision that my Mother especially will be extremely upset about, as it'll paint out family in a bad light, and will lower our "reputation"… but when the time is right, it will happen. I may have to prepare to be disowned. It scares me, and yet I know that in a sense, I'll finally feel a sense of peace.

    And yes- I feel the same way… I'm a very sensitive person, and I really appreciate love and hugs. But I think I'm too similar to my own Mother! It's very difficult for me to show her love, as there's resentment there. And I don't want to be her source of comfort and love constantly, because I need that myself. I feel suffocated around her, because I don't feel safe to let my emotion out around her… I know she would be triggered so easily, and that in turn would trigger me…!

    I find love in my friends, but I'm trying to set my boundaries. I'm very, very good at identifying other people's needs and counselling them… But I need to try and do that for myself first. And THEN do that for my friends. It's work in progress.

    It means so much to me that you can relate to me. I know I'm a strong person, but I question it at times.

    Lots of love and hugs!

  419.  #419Feethevillain on November 11, 2011 at 9:41 am

    So my best friend died…we were best friends since tenth grade…one day I snspped On Heat…I called him all kinda names. I didnt really mean the meaness but I didnt wanna be with him either we have been back n forth for so long. The more I needed love th more he held it away n I was tired n scared n he pushed me really hard n I snapped. So now we hate each other. He bashin me to our friends n he turned his back on me.I tried to say sorry but I still dont wanna be toghter that just made him even madder….so we n no contact I miss my friend but not him as my man.

  420.  #420Feethevillain on November 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

    He is very one sided n disrespectful n I guess so am I. I dont have energy for ne1. Im tryin to heal n my heart is so broken. He cant give or receive love. N its time for me to move on we r in nocontact n im on mancation

  421.  #421ulii on November 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    RE 418
    Wow, Mali!
    Yo seem so genuine and express so nicely about your feelings. I think you are really brave about the headscarf thing, even if you haven´t told your parents yet. I believe no-one can limit us in who you are and what you want to be in this life, even our parents or the community.
    I also feel a deep sympathy towards your situation with your mother. Mine is so similar, if you discount that I’m probably 10 years older than you and don’t have the complicated part of being from a strong religious back-round and going against a whole community.
    In my case the (part-)solution has been that I have spent most of my adult-life far from my mother physically (even in another country). I just didn’t see myself confronting her every single day. But now I’m back in the same town with her and have found it to be easiest the way Tiffany does it, declaring what I will do without a feeling message. And be occupied elsewhere and avoid too much contact. It’s still hard, and sometimes I still go along and let my mother organize my life.
    In spite of all that I do hope that someday in the future I could share real feelings with her, but I need to get stronger first emotionally. I’m on my way.

    Hugs to you Mali! You are great!

  422.  #422Tiffany on November 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Mali, that is so powerful!

    I was speaking as someone raised in suburban America, where the control I experienced was only in my family. I had no idea that there was a cultural/religious aspect to your situation. In some ways that makes it different – adding more layers to what you have to deal with – but in some ways it doesn’t change anything. For example, how you feel.

    I understand that for many Muslims there is still a large expectation – perhaps especially for the older generations – that an unmarried Muslim woman is seen as still under the control of her parents. I am not sure that this cultural expectation includes your mother being able to dictate that you call her every single day on the phone if it is not comfortable or practical for you. It may be. But if you are at University, on your own, then I guess in some ways, they have managed to conform to modern life. It must be so hard for you to be caught in between two different types of cultures.

    And, even though I’m sure I can’t know what it is like to be in a Muslim family, I can tell you that I chose a religion different from my parents’ religion. It was a long process, and I didn’t tell them about it until it was done and I could tell them that it was complete. I didn’t honestly believe that they would disown me, but the knowledge of possible rejection was there. It was scary, but I chose to do what was right for me.

    In the end, I told them, and they still love me. It took my mother longer to understand it, but in the end, she accepted it as well.

    Wishing you strength, T.

  423.  #423luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    He just broke it off over the phone…I feel so hurt because I never saw this coming. I have to accept this and move on, but cannot help feeling like an idiot, especially since a week ago we were together and it seemed so good. I feel crushed, he said right now he is not feeling it and need to break it off. I never cried in front of a guy before like I did today…


  424.  #424luzydel on November 12, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Even though I feel hurt; I am at POF…is that bad? I fell for this guy hard…

    Listen to me…Rory is right never become exclusive unless you are married…

  425.  #425tinque on November 13, 2011 at 7:05 am

    luzydel – That’s not exactly right. She says exclusivity comes with commitment whatever this looks like to you. Could be marriage, could be buying a house together, could just be a deep understanding.

    And no it’s not bad that you’re browsing POF.

    Healing from pain is a process. You will feel what you feel, and it’s all good as bad as it feels right now. I wrote to you yesterday. There were some what I think important things to consider. Did you see?


  426.  #426luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 7:44 am

    I Know tinque…I am just trying to figure out what went wrong…

    Last Saturday He invited me to a party he had at his place and it all seemed great…then on Tuesday He sent me a sweet txt message, but did not hear from him until Thursday when I told him I was feeling some distance. He came home after work and talked to me; he expressed his concerns and said he needs to work on some things and that some times he feels he can give me what I need.

    However; he said he will stop by next day, he did not and said he had to go to his boss place to get some things done. We talked that night for a few minutes; I expressed how I feel and he seemed ok and said he will call me. Saturday night he called and I was up beat and all, then He said I made a decision about us… “I do not think this will work out”; I was quite, but then when I talked I cried, I said I understand and respect his decision, but that hearing that was breaking my heart, because I became attached to him.

    He started to feel bad and said please don’t cry, etc. He said he feels that perhaps he will regret this decision, but that right now it was the best. That there were things that even though were not big made him think if this will work out in the long run, That he cared and that all he did was real and to give him sometime and perhaps he may come to terms and see things more clearly, but that right now he is just not feeling to go forward. I did not beg; I said I will miss you and if you ever miss me just contact me. But that I cannot be his friend or take his calls checking on me. That I was hurt, but that the last ting I needed was his pity. It was bad, I know it as bad for him also, because I did not give him any big issues to terminate, but he was just no feeling it any more. He was an amazing guy; and perhaps no one did anything wrong, some times relationship come with an expiration date. Who knows if he will ever contact me again, I know I wont. I just need to heal and keep busy…

  427.  #427tinque on November 13, 2011 at 8:01 am

    luzydel – I don’t know that anything went wrong. Which I think you know. Maybe he isn’t ready for intimacy, maybe he has commitment issues, maybe a lot of things.

    You can only be you and continue to heal you on an increasingly deep level. Your healing around your past and this too only makes you a richer woman, one who will attract her special man in her time.

    This too shall pass. Cliché I know, yet there’s is great truth in these words.

    Sending love.


  428.  #428luzydel on November 13, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Thanks Tinque

    I know I am becoming a different woman; I feel the hurt and I cry, but I am not devastated, It sort of like having a soar throat that needs to heal on its own.

    Years before I wold have been sending him emails, trying to make him explain, trying to make him feel bad for “breaking my heart”. Now I know that this will only make me feel worst and that if there is any tiny possibility of seeing him again acting psycho will not help. Fist thing I did was go back to POF it just came naturally, I did not questioned it. I said I needed things to occupy the time he is not using any more and that I do not owe him anything because he decided to walk away anyway. No dates yet, but I just opened it yesterday. These two weekends will not be dance class and thanksgiving is coming, I have no family here and my son spend Thanksgiving with his dad and xmas with me…this is going to feel lonely.

    But I will be fine

  429.  #429mali on November 14, 2011 at 8:28 am

    @421- ulii
    Thankyou so much ulii, I feel so LOVED reading your message <3

    Yes, I hope you will grow stronger too, and that with time, you'll feel strong enough to express real feelings with her… but I know it's hard. I beat myself up sometimes for not being honest about my feelings and sharing that I feel "controlled" or "really sad", but I ride with it and tell myself I'm not to blame… and I remind myself to love me. I hope you don't beat yourself up about it! I know how awful it can feel 🙁

    @422- Tiffany
    Aww thankyou, love! I sure feel powerful reading that 🙂

    And I truly admire you for choosing a different religion- that must have taken a lot of strength and courage. And I'm so glad your family were able to understand, even if it took them time… You were so brave in doing that!

  430.  #430Femininewoman on November 14, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Luzydel I feel for you but I believe he is just going through his emotional process, whatever that is for him. I would encourage you to revisit “NEVER OPEN MY HEART AGAIN!!!!” I believe he is going through his own emotional process and might wake up one day and realize that he misses you and cannot live without you in his life. If that happens for him, he will need to feel your open warm heart for him to be able to reconnect.

  431.  #431Lostsoul on November 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    My bf after my father passed away has finished with me, my self esteem is shot, he said there is no spark. Now he has deleted me off facebook which hurt and I’ve done nothing wrong. What can I do to get him to want me back? Please help.

  432.  #432Lostsoul on November 14, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    My boyfriend .. after my father passed away has finished with me, my self esteem is shot, he said there is no spark. Now he has deleted me off facebook which hurt and I’ve done nothing wrong. What can I do to get him to want me back? Please help.

  433.  #433Tammy on November 15, 2011 at 4:03 am

    well we were together four months – i followed Rori’s advise and i think he took advantage of me for being so open, kind and iif i am honest i think i was walking on egg shells because i felt he would end it over nothing.

    But after four months and thinking that i had met someone really special and everything was kind of ok (but i was having doubts and kept waking up thinking i need to finish this) and he was sending me texts when he was out saying ‘i am missing you’, ‘wish you were here’, ‘wish i was coming back to your house to see you’ etc then five days later he says i think we need to call it a day.

    I knew it wasn’t right, after we sorted things out after the row when my dad has just passed away it felt uneven and i felt like i needed to tread carefully with him and was aware that he could just cut me off. He started to talk to me in a different way and i ended up feeling really unattractive and was almost asking him if he thought i was nice and saying ‘I’m such a nice girlfriend .. aren’t I?’ how pathetic.

    One evening last week he called late, (i had see him the night before and he wasn’t the same), he was stand-offish with me. He went home early as my daughter wasn’t well then the call came the following evening. He just said ‘ hi i think we need to call it a day!’ I was gobsmacked. We had a chat and i said he hadn’t given me enough (after all my dad passed away recently) and i found him quite selfish. He said he couldn’t see it lasting long term, that the spark wasn’t there and by now he should be madly in love – how crappy did that make me feel?!We have to see each other so i can give him his stuff but he has deleted me off Facebook, almost immediately put that he was single and that has really upset me because I’ve been a really lovely girlfriend. I want him to feel sad and that he’s made a mistake but i don’t want him back as my self confidence would plummet but i want him to want me! Please can someone point me in the right direction. I just don’t know how to be when i see him – help!

  434.  #434tinque on November 15, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Lostsoul – You poor thing. That’s a lot to take in a short time. There’s no guarantee your boyfriend will come back no matter what you do, but the only chance you have is to STOP focusing on that thought.

    You need to take care of you by filling your life with people, things, and activities which fill you up, make you feel good.

    If he’s a good guy, he will feel this shift in your energy, and he may very well reach back out to you, BUT again you cannot pin your hopes on this.

    But the good news is, if he doesn’t step up, another man will, maybe someone far better suited to you, for in the work you will be doing on yourself, the healing by doing as suggested, other men will be drawn to you.


  435.  #435Megan on November 15, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    great post, hit me like a brick wall when I read the title, as I am going through grief AND giving it to him, and I know, on some level, the 2 go hand in hand.

    What I’m realllly struggling with is bitterness/jealousy. I come from a very unstable, neglectful home life. I have had to work hard for everything. He comes from the opposite – with many opportunities lots of folk can only dream about. I find it really hard when he moans about situations that I would find myself lucky to be in. I don’t like being bitter and always comparing but it’s so hard to bite my tongue!

    Please help! as I’m afraid of doing damage. I fear I’ve already “let him have it”.

  436.  #436Esteemed on November 18, 2011 at 10:34 am


    What you wrote reminds me of the time I had just moved to Arizona. I was totally surviving. I even rented a U-Haul truck for a week, just to have a place to sleep. I was scraping for each meal and each night where to stay, after several arrangements went sour.

    I went to a prayer meeting, and one of the prayer requests was that the service person would show up the next day to install her gas fireplace! He hadn’t shown up that day, and it had thrown her schedule off.

    I felt ridicule, anger, bitterness, jealousy. And of course there have been other times, but this one struck me as extreme as “Let them eat cake!” when people were starving to death.

    I have observed that some people have a need to complain. If I were you, I would do my best to deal with my feelings within myself, while just commenting in ways that would allow him to arrive at the truth himself. For example, if he complained about how the stable person forgot to muck his racehorse’s stall today, I might say something like, “What a blessing that you have such a high quality horse! I longed for a pony when I was a child, but my parents couldn’t afford it. Then later I asked for riding lessons, but they couldn’t afford that, either.”

    I think over time he would get the idea of how fortunate he is. In the meantime, I would deal with my negative feelings like what Rori said in the newest post, changing how I look at it.

    He really is fortunate, and I would do my best to truly feel happy for him. One of my history professors said, “The difference between those who those who spend their lives in poverty and go from rags to riches is that they believe that they can!”

    So I would channel that energy to becoming all I could be! And maybe start my own business, or help underprivileged children, or whatever interests you. I hope this helps!

  437.  #437Megan on November 19, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    thanks a lot Esteemed,
    big big hugs to you.
    I know what it means to be surviving, and what a touching story. feels good to hear it from someone who’s been there. oh and so funny your last line…I am a recent college grad and on my search for my first “big girl” job, from my struggles I am finding has risen perhaps a passion, helping those without.
    thanks for that reconfirming boost 😉

  438.  #438Femininewoman on November 20, 2011 at 4:14 am

    Megan a thing I have learned from Rori is tapping and saying “even though I have all this bitterness and anger I completely and profoundly love and accept myself. Even though I have all this bitterness I am willing to release it out of my body”. She also encourages us to make a vision board with the beautiful things we want in our lives with words like “bliss” or pictures of lovers holding hands. When we feel these negative emotions she encourages us to switch our thoughts to these beautiful things.

  439.  #439Esteemed on November 20, 2011 at 5:27 am


    RE: #437 – You’re welcome! I feel happy that it was helpful. What was your major? Congratulations on your graduation! What types of jobs are you applying for? Any progress with your man?

  440.  #440Megan on November 20, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    FW –
    thanks for the suggestions, I like the idea of a vision board, unfortunately I have no privacy where I’m at now so that will have to wait…but nonetheless, thanks for the support.
    I majored in Sociology with a concentration in Family Development so I am looking for social services type work, right now I have been applying, and *fingers crossed I get it* to a behavioral health center.
    As for my man,he has the most positive,chilled demeanor so it’ easy for him to brush things off – part of why I love him, such a desirable and admirable attribute – so we’ve been in touch ad we’re good. he’s travelling the world right now, about to meet his family in sri lanka for a holiday …see my point? haha
    thanks a whooooole bunch for caring. sending my love your way

  441.  #441annie on April 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Hi girls. I’m in so much pain right now. Yesterday I had a fight with my boyfriend because he thinks I don’t love him. Yes, I’ve been a little distant and depressed about thing that have nothing to do with him, however he believes this since the beginning of our relationship because I am a very insecure girl. He is a wonderful boyfriend, yesterday we talked things out and it seemed that we fixed the problem but I haven’t heard anything from him and I’m terrified, he has never done this, I been trying to reach him and now I feel a little stupid, maybe he needs some time on his own today but I really, really don’t want to lose him. I feel stuck and I don’t know what to do. HELP PLEASE