When You’re Trapped in a Dream of Love

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Here’s a great letter from Amy…

“First of all I would like to thank you for doing what you do…finding you and receiving your e-mails, and reading this blog in the last few months has felt like I have an older, much wiser sister standing in my corner telling me just what I need to hear whenever I need to hear it…pretty darn cool!! :~)

Next, after reading this this morning I had to write and ask you a question about something I am going through…but first, a little background…I am 37 (38 in May, sigh.) I was married at 24 for 7 years, no children. He cheated. I was in a long term relationship with the father of my daughter for 6 years. We were due to get married in June of last year. He cheated and left in May. So, almost 11 months later I have picked myself up, dusted myself off, done a TON of work on myself, and gotten myself back in the game! yea, me!!

I signed up for Match. com a little over a month ago, and within 4 days I found myself talking to the single most intriguing man I have ever experienced. Day after day we both were constantly amazed at the intensity of the connection between us in every conceivable way…emotionally, spiritually, sexually, how we felt about relationships and how we believed people should behave within them, same favorite foods, wanting the same things out of life, it goes on and on…he said more than once, “it’s like we share a brain”! One hurdle however, was that we live across the country from each other…but we were working on that…kind of even made it even more intense though, not getting to really see each other, and the conversations covered even more…and the chemistry…oh my, the chemistry!!

But, I made a mistake. A couple of weeks ago I had a very heated issue arise with my daughter’s father and even knowing what he had been through with his ex-wife, her children and her ex and all the drama, and knowing how much he hated it, i found myself telling him about this situation. Why, oh why did I do this?? So naturally, within the next week I could feel him pulling back, and ultimately he said that he had finally realized that he just couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has children. What???!!! I was in shock at the time, but after having had some time to think about it, I truly don’t think that is really it. I think the drama of that one situation scared him to death. He doesn’t want to go back into a situation like that. And I can’t blame him. But what he doesn’t know is that through all of the bs with my ex, that is the absolute worst it has ever gotten, and the worst it will ever get because I simply will not live my life in a soap opera. Nor will I allow my daughter to.

We have had a couple of texts between us, I have to admit, initiated by me, but in a light-hearted way…sort of. I would like to clear the air with him and apologize for even telling him any of that grossness…no matter the connection between us, it was just not appropriate at that time. And I guess to see if my thoughts on his feelings about women with kids or drama with exes is correct. (my being a mom was never an issue before this, and he of course knew all about her, and said what an amazing mother i was alllll the time!) He even had me seriously thinking about moving and having a child with him…he will be such an amazing dad, and he truly deserves to be one. God, I have never felt so strongly for someone, especially in such a short amount of time! But 3-5 hours on the phone every day can do that, apparently!

At any rate, I find myself thinking about him and missing him and wanting to tell him things about my day, something I think he would find interesting or funny, comparing everyone i meet to him, to feel that longing for me from him, to hear his voice, to SEE him!! I really don’t know how to go the rest of my life never having seen this man face to face! He said he thought seeing each other would make it more difficult (to not go on with this)…I think it would be the opposite. Long story short, nothing, not my marriage, not my last relationship, nothing, has ever felt SO right on so many levels. This does not feel over and done to me. not at all. I just don’t know what to do about it at this point. Hence, this letter…HELP!!!

Thank you again for heeding your calling in life and being a source of strength to so many!

big hugs!!

Here’s what I wrote her back:

Amy, Thank you for your heartfelt story – and you’re not going to like my answer.

It’s so tough I’m emailing you personally with it to get your permission…but… I think you need to hear this now.

Let’s see what happens and how this works for you.

All of this is a dream. It’s not real.

You cannot have strong feelings for a man you’ve never met.

Your track record of being with men who lie and cheat, and who bring so much drama to your life tells me that you are caving in every minute to your deeply ingrained drama queen (we all have an inner drama queen, yes…and please know your drama queen is a great powerhouse for you – but not in the way you’ve been letting her run your life).

This is also an addiction. As bad as meth and heroin.

This is seriously taking yourself down the road to ruin.

This is Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston and Elin Woods having the wool pulled over their eyes. You cannot have the life you want and ignore the reality here.

You DIDN’T make a mistake.

You WANTED to push him away.

You WANTED to do drama all over him.

And together – you made up a relationship that might have disintegrated the moment you met.

Amy wrote back to me:

“Thank you for your e-mail, for taking the time to write.  It means more than you know.  And of course, you can use my name in a post…if my story can help someone else, then I am happy to have that as part of my journey.

But there are a couple of things that I disagree with.  I can and did and do have strong feelings for him, (Tony is his name) even though we never saw each other face to face…we MET, oh, boy, did we MEET…we just hadn’t SEEN each other yet.  And it was not one sided.  Not at all.  This I know for sure.  And I did NOT want to push him away.  That is the exact last thing I wanted!  I feel my mistake was in not considering where he was coming from, the new, fragile nature of our relationship, and leaning on him and talking to him like he had been a part of the process with my ex all along and somehow knowing that ugly incident was not a regular occurrence between us.  But I am honest, to a fault…and told him all the gory details…bleh.

I hear what you are saying about my drama queen…I get it and I agree…she can be pretty powerful.  And sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad.  I’ve just never learned how to harness that power, i guess, and use it only for good.  And it’s funny you would mention those three women…I identify so profoundly with them all.  So so grateful though that mine hasn’t been played out for the world to see.  Wow.  The strength that would take!!  Going through the last year without the world watching almost killed me.

At any rate, thank you, thank you, thank you for your time, attention, and wisdom! When I first found you I was trying to put my relationship back together with my daughter’s father (Eric).  Obviously, that didn’t work, but I have learned so much and come so far since then, as hard as it has been, I know now I could never go back.  The physical feeling and dropping an object and letting go was something I used all the time as I was learning to let him go.  Thank you for that, as well.

I look forward to your response to this, and to your post!  Let me know if there is anything else you need to know…

big hugs!


And I’m sticking to my first answer:

Even in olden days, before computers and facebook and phones, when people wrote letters to each other – like Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning – still, no one ever fell in love without laying eyes on each other.

I’m simply amazed that anyone could believe you can know someone without being in their presence – even with Skype. I hear your passionate belief that this strong connection existed, and that you destroyed it by spewing out stuff…but to me that just sounds like you talking to a doll.

Did anyone see Lars and the Real Girl?  One of my favorite movies ever. Not only does Lars fall for a blow-up sex doll, all his friends and family begin to relate to her as though she’s real. She becomes real.  She has an actual, physical presence that they each put feeling into.

You are not even in the presence of this man, and yet you can “feel” him. To me, as spiritual as I am, as much as I believe that we are all connected and so can pick up on each other’s thoughts and feelings “across the ethers…” I do not believe love can BEGIN unless you are in the presence of one another.  Otherwise, it’s all imaginary. It’s a crush from afar.

Love can carry on, perhaps, after a meeting…but it cannot begin without the meeting. Interaction is necessary for love. The phone doesn’t do the job.

A long-distance relationship can work, and hang together for many reasons…most of them having to do with the level of intimacy each person is comfortable with – and, too – the level of space each person most truly feels good with.

I crave a lot of personal space.  I like to think and write and pray and dream and wander and walk…I need a door to my office and the freedom to roam. And yet, when I’m with my husband – when he’s here, present, in front of me – I don’t want to just be getting the surface of this “togetherness.”

My inner demons may wish to suspend me in a superficial exchange – but my heart really, really wants to get down, dirty and inside and real – in EVERY moment I stand face-to-face with him or speak on the phone with him.

Because you have not met him, you have no way to tell the difference. You have no way to gauge the depth of the connection you feel. A person may not be able to hear or speak or see – but can still sense another person in the physical realm.

I do not wish to say that any one or combination of senses is better than any other – but – without the physical – there can be nothing else – except friendship.

Friendship can be deep and abiding even without the physical sense.  But romance cannot.

Romance requires the physical – at least the knowledge and memory of the physical.

I’m not talking “sex” here – I’m talking about sensation.  The physical realm.

This is my “story” – whether or not this is some measurable or evidence-based “truth” – and I’m sticking to it.

For me, to believe otherwise cannot possibly serve you. To get what you want – you must take the path of least resistance…the path that is filled with good feelings and ease – not obstacles and difficulties to overcome.

I hope this helps…Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Sarah on April 28, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Hi Rori, great post! I’ve been following you for awhile now, and am loving your stuff. I can really notice a change in myself, too!

    Here’s where I’m stuck: I was friends with a man for a year, just friends, nothing else. For whatever reason, it recently starting turning into more. We started spending time together, and things turned sexual. It was this way for about two months. I was leaning back, he was contacting me, it was great! Now, out of nowhere, he initiated the “talk” with me and says he wants to make sure I’m not developing feelings for him. He says he is too young to settle down, and he’s just having fun.

    My question is: what next? Now what do I do? I know I must lean back and let him come to me, but should I even go that far or just forget about him all together? And more importantly, why do men always do this the minute things start to actually go somewhere? Do they feel themselves start to develop feelings and want to put an end to things before they go too far? Help!

  2.  #2Tallgirl10 on April 28, 2010 at 11:51 am

    I have a question that is related.

    I am back in touch with someone I dated briefly. He contacted me by text to invite me to a concert that he had mentioned when I saw him this weekend.

    We communicate by text mostly. He texted with a question, I responded and asked a question, he responded and asked a question, and I responded, and asked a question, but also said I was going to bed, as it was the end of the day and I am out of town.

    Today he responded, but no question. So I responded acknowledging what he said and at the end I said “I hope you are are having a great day!”.

    There is no question, as he did not ask one, but now I am concerned that is leaning forward. I am new to all of this.


  3.  #3Tallgirl10 on April 28, 2010 at 11:57 am


    The man is being honest with you. While it hurts, he is not attached like you are for whatever reason. Just because you lean back, it does not mean he will be the one you want or that he will stick around.

    What you need to do is to date others (As do I from above), and decide if what he said to you is ok. If you are not ok with sexual interaction without it moving forward, you tell him what you feel. Which is “I feel uncomfortable being intimate with someone who is not developing feelings for me. What do you think?” If he says he is, then you know, if he says, well then, we should not be intimate, then you know that too.

    Also, don’t make him so important, which I am also working on.


  4.  #4kismet on April 28, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Sarah: It would be best to lean back and forget about him. I’ve been in that situation before (not sexually and not that long), I was really into him and everything felt right. He admitted to liking me and thinking I’m a great girl. But he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The more you try to make it work and stay in contact with him, the more it hurts and confuses you, then you end up hating him. Even if a guy likes you, if he doesn’t feel like dating, he won’t.

  5.  #5kismet on April 28, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Dear Rori,

    My current situation is a sticky one. I’ve already made a decision, however outside sources tell me I should make a different choice, a wiser one.

    I am 19 years old, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three months. We’re in an interracial relationship. My parents didn’t approve when they found out. Now the real problem is, I found out two weeks ago that I’m pregnant. Mistakes happen. When I met my boyfriend and talked about what we were looking for, he was more serious than I was. He wanted to settle down. I was looking for a long term serious relationship. So when I told him I’m pregnant, he did not change his mind. He wants us to be together and make it work. I am happy that he’s responsible about it and loves and cares for me. My first thought was abortion, but I can’t handle that. We’re both financially unstable, including our families, but there are government programs that will help reduce the cost. We just told my brother yesterday about it, no one else in my family knows. My brother says I need to get an abortion and have a normal healthy relationship and get married like a normal girl. My boyfriend even before the pregnancy wanted to marry me and we’d talk and joke about it. He’s serious with me.

    So I’m torn between the decision. Keeping the baby is better and less painful than aborting it. Aborting it means I lose the baby, lose my boyfriend, lose my family’s trust and respect, and lose many future dates, plus I lose all that I had been working on myself through the years. My boyfriend does not agree with abortion. We both want to keep it and the only thing that would stop me is our financial situation but we’re both looking for jobs and will do our best.

    It seems absurd to push him away from me when he is giving me his utmost love and care. We all want that, but yet it seems I can’t have that, according to my family member. Yes, there’s possibility that he might leave me with the baby, but we don’t know until it happens. Aborting also means I have no faith and appreciation for him as a man and provider…

    What is the wisest thing to do?

  6.  #6Daria on April 28, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Kismet – I feel for you.

    I feel concerned about these thoughts:

    “Aborting it means I lose the baby, lose my boyfriend, lose my family’s trust and respect, and lose many future dates, plus I lose all that I had been working on myself through the years

    Aborting also means I have no faith and appreciation for him as a man and provider…”

    Abortion does not mean all these. Abortion means abortion… no pregnancy right now.

    I however support your decision to have a child if that is what you want.

    But the above heavy “meanings” on your options are not necessary, and would make me feel worse rather than better.

    Some couples have abortions and get married and have children later.

    Some couples have children and are happy married and etc later.

    Some couples have abortions and break up

    Some couples have children and break up.

    This choice is so personal that only YOU can make it, and I feel happy that you are talking about it with your man.

    I would also e-mail Rori directly if I were you, in case she doesn’t see your post.

    Glad you are here and I support you.

    Here’s to me hoping I’m NOT pregnant right now.

    I have had one abortion before, and I promised myself I wouldn’t again, but now that I have this concern, my first thought was, omg I want to have another abortion. So I’m feeling slightly concerned – slightly because I’m pretty sure Im NOT pregnant.

    I am looking forward to my Negative Test next week when I will be two weeks after the time I had sex.

  7.  #7Mercedes on April 28, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    I have exactly 12 seconds..lol and I wanted to say something here. Amy: Long distance and never having met this man aside, you deserve a someone in your life who isn’t going to pull away the first time you share with him about your crappy day! When Rori says your relationship is/was a dream, she’s right on target! You can’t possibly love a man who you can’t share your pain with. You had a huge blowup and needed to talk about it. If this man loves you, then you should be able to share that with him. When you know you should hold back telling someone something about yourself or your job or your day or whatever…then that isn’t love. It’s imaginary…and yes it is a crush…and certainly it can be very passionate…but no…it’s not love.

    I’m with Rori…date like a madwoman and find a guy who will be present…physically and emotionally…regardless of how your day is going.

    I miss you girls! So much!

    Much Love,

  8.  #8kismet on April 28, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks for the reply. I know what I said about the meaning of abortion isn’t right. But it’s how I feel at the moment. There are just so many cultural things at play when I abort and if my family knows. I’m guessing they would rather have me abort than marry my boyfriend. They’re traditional and care more about reputation than my happiness. I guess I said what I did because my boyfriend gets mad when I talk about abortion, and we’d possibly break up. If not, if my parents find out, they’d want me to abort and then break us up. Then say that he’s like all the negative stereotypes people have. And I guess he has reason to be mad because to him it’s like a diss to his manhood, even though I don’t see it that way.

  9.  #9Apple Jacks on April 28, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Hello Kismet,

    does your family not approve of your boyfriend because you both are of different cultures? I just feel curious and that is why I asked the question. If it’s too personal, I’ll understand your lack of reply.

  10.  #10Daria on April 28, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Kismet – I feel for you.

    I relate to your situation.

    I really out of everything feel troubled by your saying that you think your boyfriend would leave you if you did have an abortion.

    This is an overwhelming feeling thing. . AND, I wouldn’t want a man that would leave me if I had an abortion. I would want a man that would want to be with me NO MATTER WHAT.

    I would feel unsteady choosing to marry someone that I feel worried might leave me if I had an abortion.

    About your parents – you know whatsup. Make the decision about you.

    Look for support elsewhere, HERE IS A GOOD PLACE. start gathering resources now (job, a different place to live, etc)

  11.  #11Daria on April 28, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Kismet –

    I want to remphasize that I REALLY relate to your situation with the boyfriend, family etc.

    I have never had a man I date meet my family before. Most of my friends haven’t met my family, although they are also like my extended family.

    I’ve created 2 diff lives and after awhile I am babystepping to healing the rift for myself in myself. At the time I felt desperate and needed the protection… am babystepping to dismantling now.

  12.  #12heartbeat on April 28, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Mercedes!! Hello!! I bobbed like a meerkat when I saw your name. I get what you wrote.

    When I read how this guy backed off after Amy told him of her day I felt a shadow pass through me.

    I also get what Rori is saying though I felt quite shocked at her words! In a real, face-to-face relationship, I would feel alarmed at that withdrawal if I was feeling mussed up.

    On the other hand, this is not face-to-face and I too have learnt that until two people meet it’s impossible to guage the connection. Amy, you are not alone! I had a lovely man calling and emailing me for about three months. He was very caring. I felt all sorts of romantic and fuzzy stuff, coincidences and common interests etc (I was ripe for kindness and a listening ear too) – but the instant we met I knew there was no chemistry for me, and there never would be, never – I had coffee with him just to feel my way through my shakiness, but I told him right away. I felt really bad for him and disappointed for me, he was dignified and bought my dinner anyway, but I felt awkward. So that was a lesson!

    It’s possible the same might have happened for Amy – people do not always feel the same in person as in a photo. And withdrawal can trigger feelings of abandonment and self-blame which are out of proportion to the actual situation.

    I feel really sad hearing you blame yourself, Amy!

  13.  #13nasheelii on April 28, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I feel so stuck with my relationship right now. I met and fell in love with a man I thought was awesome. It was a long distance relationship and we were both married at the time. He was in the process of getting a divorce and I was in a very bad arranged marriage. He asked me to marry him and our relationship became intimate. He eventually divorced but then said he would never marry ever again. but he did not give up our relationship. we spoke daily on the phone etc.
    eventually i got frustrated after 4 yrs and all the excuses. so I came online and caught him cheating online. I confronted him and he bacame very abusive. and said he did not want to have anything to do with me etc. he came back a few times these past 2 yrs and its the same pattern. I am finding it very difficult to believe he was just playing me? he called me drunk and crying a few times when he thought i had found someone. what do I do?

  14.  #14diamond on April 28, 2010 at 5:04 pm


    Do you want the baby? Does your boyfriend want the baby?

    If both those are yes, then what do your parents or anyone else have to do with it?

    I’ve been married 22 years now, and the biggest thing I’ve learned is that you have to choose your man over your family. Their influence has to lessen. You have to become your own family, separate from them. Becoming your own person, separate from your mom and dad and all is what makes you an adult. I don’t mean this to be harsh but I feel so much of you clinging to people who are not you, and this is too important a decision to be made by others.

    If the two of you want this child, whether or not you marry, then keep it. That is YOUR choice and no one can take that from you.

    Hugs, if okay.

  15.  #15Gee on April 28, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    I understand Amy and I support Rori.

    This is like head and heart going towards different direction. I felt before. It feels terrible as there are two horses going towards different direction tearing me off. It feels good when we follow our heart, but we hurt ourselves even harder later on if we do not follow the head.

    We even do when we face-to-face: Imaginatin Relationship. Can we also say this is because the different speed of developing the relationship between man and woman?

    I wonder whether boys have this kind of dream or not?

  16.  #16Daria on April 28, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    diamond – wow that is so real. i feel touched and strengthened by your post.

  17.  #17diamond on April 28, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    I feel just a bit nervous.

    I let my mother force me into an abortion at a young age. I would have a 30 year old son now.

    I never want anyone else to have those kind of regrets.

  18.  #18Daria on April 28, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Hugs Diamond. Thank you for being here and sharing.

  19.  #19Simply Shannon on April 28, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Kismet: Wow. Talk about a rock and a hard place. Keep the baby = lose the family. Abort the baby = lose the boyfriend. That is some serious yuck right there. I don’t want to make light but that must feel terrible. I feel sad that the options are so limited. I feel angry that the boyfriend would consider leaving and angry that your parents would put their reputation over having a baby. Blech. Very sad.

    Just like Daria and Diamond said, this is really about you and what you want.

  20.  #20Tara on April 28, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    What Rori said about physical presence really made me think.
    Can a man fall out of love if there’s not enough physical presence — relationship via text, phone, and e-mail even if they live in the same area?
    Would a man intentionally cut down on the physical presence to wean himself away from a relationship or allow it to fade away?

    Is “out of sight, out of mind” really true? What about all those stories and myths we hear about how true love lasts for years even if the beloved is far away?

    I feel angry with myself for caving in and texting S.

    You all are my witnesses. I’m NOT TEXTING HIM FOR A WEEK.

    Is this Leaning Back, or is it running away, or is it withdrawing? I wonder what he’ll think. Will he just shrug his shoulders and say, “oh, well — she’s the one who stopped texting me. That must mean she doesn’t care anymore. Oh, well…” and just obliviously go on with his righteously busy life?

    I’ve known several guys who, if the woman doesn’t come after them, figure she’s not worth the effort and just write her off because they know there are plenty of women out there who will “perform.”

    So how do we get “practice” from men like that? What’s their message for us?

  21.  #21Siena on April 28, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Tara, if a man I knew thought that my leaning back was disinterest, and didn’t bother to ask me, I would consider him not worth my lovliness and drop him. His loss.

    I find that when I lean back, I often get questions of whether I’m interested or not. In that moment, I tell the truth using feeling messages, and the guy usually understands it. He must pursue me if he wants me. Period. Many men will go away, but others – the wortwhile ones – will stay and treat me like a goddess. And those ones are happy dudes!!



  22.  #22Gee on April 28, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I agree with “I tell the truth using feeling messages, and the guy usually understands it. He must pursue me if he wants me. Period. Many men will go away, but others – the wortwhile ones – will stay and treat me like a goddess. And those ones are happy dudes”.

    Is it possible that the man I using feeling messages to has not have the level of caring message yet? I met a man said I did not give him enough time.

  23.  #23Rori Raye on April 28, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Tallgirl10 – Welcome, and all this texting is creating more energy around this man for you than he deserves. Yes – you ARE leaning forward – and not just by “I hope you are having a great day!” – but by thinking about him and what you’re doing back and forth with him so much. Circular Dating will give you the confidence to put all this into perspective. Love, Rori

  24.  #24Rori Raye on April 28, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    nasheelii, Welcome, and I’m so sorry you are in this situation – I think much of it has to do with having so little experience running your own life. There is no relationship here. He is not cheating. He told you he would not marry you. You have built an Imaginary Relationship here. Please learn how to Circular Date here – that is what you do. You must cut this man out of your life – and not with anger – but just because you are moving on to what you want…and he’s just not it. Love, Rori

  25.  #25Lucy on April 28, 2010 at 8:52 pm


  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 28, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    kismet – please go get some counseling from organizations who deal every day with unexpected and unplanned and often unwanted prenancies…I know women who gave up their babies for adoption, women who had abortions, and women who had their babies and gave their lives over to that choice. No choice here is easy. Do you watch “Glee”? The teenaged character who’s pregnant is in exactly your situation – her family threw her out, and she finds new friends in unexpected places. Explore all your options, not just the ones you know about…think outside the box. Love, Rori

  27.  #27Rori Raye on April 28, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Mercedes – so nice to have you back!! Love, Rori

  28.  #28Rori Raye on April 28, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    kismet…there is no wise thing to do…and you might make a mistake, or have regrets, or change your mind no matter what you decide. Does any one decision feel better to you than another? And, yes, hard as it is, it seems against what you feel, that I can hear in your letter, to turn away from the family that is developing here with you, your boyfriend and your baby. Some women, rather than having their lives become a trap with a baby have discovered a huge, rich new life and motivation to create a career that will bring in money and a totally positive new perspective. Some have fallen into regret and negative perspectives. What kind of person are you? Do you naturally make the best of situations, or are you easily undone? What you need to look for is as many avenues of help and friends as you can, and go with your gut. Love, Rori

  29.  #29EarthDancer on April 28, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    Hi Tara;

    My heart aches for you and your situation; I can relate. Hugs to you; it is not easy to lean back, but as Sienna says, the ones that are worth it will stay. My ex… HotTubMan… is the same way; unless a woman is chasing HIM, he thinks she is not interested… I leaned wwaaaayyyy back and he is gone, but that is OK even if my heart is a bit sore and I miss him like crazy…I just keep remembering one of Rori’s posts: If a man is interested in you, he will call. No excuses, no “what if I”, no second guessing. xoxo

  30.  #30TP on April 28, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Rori I feel confused now. I don’t know how to say it.
    hope the murky water will get clear soon.

    Rori only look at your photo, I feel so calm and strong. aww Rori you are gorgeous.

    Thanks Rori

  31.  #31Tara on April 28, 2010 at 9:34 pm


    Thanks! That makes sense and feels right. IF he cares, he’ll ask why. If he doesn’t, his loss.

    I just realized I don’t trust S to row the boat if I stop rowing it. He has to want it enough to pick up the oars, even if he’s fem-energy, and I’ve been acting out of fear that he won’t.

    I love this blog!

  32.  #32Daria on April 28, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    OMG Tall Girl!

    This is a GREAT feeling message that fits one of my situations so well!!!

    woo hooo

    “I feel uncomfortable being intimate with someone who is not developing feelings for me. What do you think?”

    thank you thaknk you thank you

    so simple and clear – DUH – duh!! duh!!!



  33.  #33mary on April 28, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Hello Mercedes! I’ve missed you.

  34.  #34Tallgirl10 on April 29, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Glad you liked it.

    So, Rori – are you saying the leaning forward is not in the saying or doing something, it is the attaching importance to it and the outcome?

    I have to say that I hate the whole text thing because it ends up getting a lot of energy.

    But, that is an attitude that can be changed or expressed.

    I have given myself new rules, which are really hard given my past, but a great way to “right” myself
    A. I won’t analyze what a man does or says
    B. I won’t analyze what I do or say after I do it
    C. I won’t make a man more important than myself
    D. I won’t have any expectations of what man will do
    E. I will not let my interactions with men affect my mood
    f. I will lean back and let him initiate
    G. Men will be in rotation in circular dating

    Now I just need the multiple men for the rotation.

  35.  #35Tara on April 29, 2010 at 5:33 am


    Your rules are great – I’m going to print them out and put them on my wall AND copy them into my cell phone. They apply exactly to my situation with S, too.

    Glad you said your ex was like S – at least I know I’m not the only woman here to deal with that.

    I love all the support here!

  36.  #36Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 5:46 am

    Tallgirl… yay on the rules! I find it hard to stop having the expectations or letting the interactions affect my mood. How do you do that?

    Siena … can you give me an example of a feeling message that you give when a man asks why he hasn’t heard from you? I’ve always struggled to know how to answer that question. I get texts like… “What.. you aren’t talking to me anymore?” when I’m leaning back. And I never know how to answer! I’d appreciate hearing what has worked for you. I love your attitude… he must pursue me. Period. Yes!

    Amy my heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar situation. I am actually going cross country this weekend to spend face to face time with my guy. We met one other time and the connection was good in person too. But I agree with others that if sharing your struggle pushed him away, then he isn’t right for you. You have to be able to be REAL and not have to sugar coat everything. My guy has had a pattern of pulling away every time I struggle or hurt (issues with kids). It killed me at first and I did everything wrong… crying, begging, pressuring him to “be there” for me. Over time, with Rori and the sirens, I learned to use those “away” times to really work on myself and I got strong enough to give him less importance until he shows up. He is showing up and staying connected more and more.

    The drama queen thing… wow. I can see this in my life. I’m slowly learning to stop creating the drama and my man is feeling safer and growing closer. It feels good.

    Hugs to all

  37.  #37Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 5:55 am


    Reading over my comment, I realize that it didn’t sound quite right. I’m not saying this guy couldn’t be right for you. But the fact that he is pulling back is a sign that something isn’t right in the relationship. And maybe it’s just as Rori says, that it isn’t a real one. I know how hard that is to hear.. Ohhh… I felt so powerfully in love with a man that was/is long distance.

    I felt like I had such an incredibly beautiful connected relationship with my guy and it all crumbled leaving me so heartbroken. I really struggled with hearing that it wasn’t real. But I let go of the image I’d created in my mind (based on our phone calls, emails, etc) and focused on working on myself… and over time (about 3 months) he came back and slowly we’ve been learning to dance. I feel different and act different and he is falling more in love with me every day.

    (Still nervous about next weekend… it will be the first BIG test of my siren skills since we’ll be together for the first time since our breakup. )

  38.  #38Mercedes on April 29, 2010 at 6:46 am

    Heartbeat! I’ve missed you! “And withdrawal can trigger feelings of abandonment and self-blame which are out of proportion to the actual situation. ” This is sooo true! How many times have our negative feelings been way out there compared to what we really had in a relationship? Many, many times for me! That’s all about the heart getting involved and the eyes forgetting to see the situation for what it really is. You are so wise!

    Rori and Mary…thank you so much for the welcoming words. I’ve missed you both and although I can’t stick around long, it sure feels comfortable to be here for the moment.

    Much Love to all!

  39.  #39Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 6:54 am

    It’s a beautiful day on Siren Island! Let me get caught up from the last thread from yesterday…

    Lucy, RE: #189 Thank you for the info on NPD. I definitely am going to do some internet research, and I welcome any more info. Could very well be.

    #236 – on being “USED”….You asked what am I doing? I was having unabashed, unholy sex with men. I believe after 5 years of that that men who do that are largely self-centered with little self-discipline. They are all about gratifying themselves. If a woman is gratified in the process, so be it. But that is not THEIR goal. You said I have the choice? Yes, and that is why I have learned to discern them a mile away and no longer have sex at a whim. I’m sick of men shoving their dicks in my face. It’s disgusting.

    As a contrast, when I played with Ryan (we never had all out sex, but we were naked together a few times and played), I felt the sheer BEAUTY of it because there was LOVE there. He is the ONLY man I swallowed for when I gave him head. And it wasn’t gross as I always felt it would be. It was, again, an expression of LOVE, and when I told him it was the first time EVER, at age 45, he grinned from ear to ear!!

    Daria, RE: #239 – Free of hang-ups….I appreciate what you said. Each of us has to draw our own boundaries, and we each have a right to do so, to decide our own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. You have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself!

    Heartbeat, RE: #254 I love this: **heartbeat keeps gimlet eye on bridge – pictures magic shoes which prevent her stepping off.** I had to look up gimlet, and I love to learn new words, especially from other countries! I’m going to keep this picture of staying on my bridge, too! Thanks!

    Apple Jacks, #RE: 256 You said, “Brenda – Good Bren, Bad Bren, all Bren is a loveable Bren.”

    Thanks! Warm fuzzies!

  40.  #40Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 7:00 am

    Here, I thought I’d show you a pic of me with Ryan last summer in front of the Statue of Liberty in New York City!

  41.  #41Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 7:01 am

    I changed my gravatar but I guess it didn’t come thru yet.

  42.  #42Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 7:07 am

    Tinque, RE: #252 – Awesome Soul Mate story!!! I believe in my heart of hearts that Ryan is my Soul Mate. I have made the 2nd commitment, 3rd commitment 1001st commitment, to unconditional love in an imperfect relationship that I believe will becum epic! You inspire me!

  43.  #43Amanda on April 29, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Rori, you are absolutely right! I have seen several friends get soooo wrapped up in a man they have not even MET, they meet him and there is absolutely nothing there…and they feel embarrassed and ashamed for getting so wrapped into things. I personally do not like on-line dating, a lot of it for this reason….but if you are going to do it, only choose locals and don’t start these “long, meaningful” conversations and emails UNTIL you have met them face to face.

  44.  #44Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Mary said xactly what I wanted to say in #285 from the last thread. You are so eloquent, and I could say word for word what you said to replace what I did say yesterday. That is what I wanted to say…to keep on MY bridge. I think I mistakenly hopped on Siena’s bridge for a moment yesterday.

    Toward that end, I have decided to share some of the sordid parts of my story…MY story. I am going to bare my wrongdoings, but I thought about it last night and concluded that self-protection itself can be a subtle form of wrongdoing.

    I was a late-blooming wall flower. I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Then I was sweet 26 and never been kissed. I had three dates by age 25, and I started “dating” men in prison, which left me so lonely I felt like I couldn’t stand it one more second. But I lasted another night, another month, another year, another decade.

    Around age 32, my prison pen pal, Flathead, encouraged me to open up sexually. I bought my first dildo thru the mail, and I had no idea how to use it, or even that there was such a thing as an orgasm. Little by little I experimented and learned.

    At age 34, I gave my virginity to an unreputable man I had just met that day. Virginity felt like a curse, not a blessing, and I just wanted to feel like a woman. I meant nothing to him, and he had multiple partners quite openly.

    I had sex with a few more men I barely knew, low quality men who were not worthy of me. I moved out in neediness and desperation, joking that my biggest sin is I love too much. I became a master at self-pleasuring.

    I met Kenny in prison at age 36, and he encouraged me to have sex and enjoy myself until he could be free to make me happy. I started going to sex clubs and indiscriminately having sex with men for “pleasure”. I thot why not, as long as I protect myself with condoms from pregnancy and STDs. My rule was “no balloon, no party.” Beyond that, my safety walls were virtually nonexistent. Commitment wasn’t anywhere in the picture, because I was committed to Kenny.

    One man at the sex club accidentally-on-purpose slid off the condom inside of me, apparently hoping to generate a “baby momma”. He gladly gave me his name and number. I had him banned from the sex club.

    Did I have wonderful moments? Sure, I admit it, I did. I floated on my back nude in a 15 person hot tub while a stranger whose name I never knew fucked me, and at the same time another man nibbled my nipples and yet a third man sucked on my toes, all while a roomful of other men watched. Was it a thrill? Hell, yeah! Did it feel good? I still recall the total sensation!

    I fell in love with my supervisor. He was openly gay, but he told me he was considering becoming straight. He gingerly led up to discussing experimenting with me, having sex with a woman again for the first time in 11 years. We spent night after night talking until 4-5 am, and I really liked him. Finally we had sex one time, and again, I reasoned I am safe from STDs or pregnancy, because we are using a condom.

    The next morning when I picked up the condoms, I realized they were empty, and that he had poked holes in them. I figured out he was trying to get me pregnant. He wasn’t in love with me at all. He just wanted to be a gay father. The moment he found out I wasn’t pregnant, all kindness and friendliness stopped like a steel door slamming. He pretty much showed me the door, and I quit my job in shame at a time when I desperately needed the work.

    I visited the sex clubs off and on for 5 years, finding mostly bad times and feeling, yes, used. The last time I went to one, I had a sick, nauseated feeling in the back of my throat the whole time, and I realized how imprisoned these men were by their sexual urges. They were there to get their penises handled and squeezed, not to love a woman.

  45.  #45Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 8:09 am

    I met Ryan at a community center at age 43, and he started dating me at age 44, a year later. He was like a fresh spring, and he had completely unique ideas about dating and falling in love. He spoke from his journal he kept in his back pocket words such as, “I believe every woman is a face of the goddess. I want to fall in love with one woman, and make every day lady’s day. When I gaze into her eyes, I will grow wise. I will find God in the eyes and arms of a woman. A woman’s body is so sacred. How do you touch something so sacred?” This is just one sample of his beautiful words.

    He was completely offended by pornography. Instead, he viewed nude art, which he said was a lot more respectful to the feminine form, as he called it. He talked endlessly about meeting his Soul Mate, that he only wanted ONE woman, not many women. One time I asked him what kind of car he would get if he could get any kind of car. He said, “I don’t know. I don’t really care, I guess. But ask me what kind of woman I want and I could go on and on defining what I’m looking for in a woman!” I felt sooo respected, and instead of groping me, as I had becum accustomed to, he laid beside me, simply talking, asking questions, and spouting off his beautiful poetry about the beauty of a woman’s heart.

    I met his mother, and she told me some of Ryan’s ideals. He had an unusual tactic of testing a woman for a year to see if she would stay with him. He wanted a woman who was true, and he wanted a woman who was cool when the situation got turbulent. He tested me at every turn, to see me at my worst, as well as my best, to see what I would do at every turn.

    It remains to be seen, but I fell in love with him, and I came to believe I had found my knight on a white horse. He restored all my ideals from childhood, and I cleansed the filth of my past. I want nothing but the best from now on, and I only want sex with one man, the man I spend the rest of my life with!

    I am still in love with Ryan, and I believe, like Tinque, we are just not ready yet, but time will tell.

  46.  #46EarthDancer on April 29, 2010 at 8:30 am

    #43 Brenda

    I’m feeling cautious ’cause I don’t want to sound judgmental or uncaring but I want to speak up, I want to SHAKE you because I have read all your posts – both here and on other threads- I want you to value your lovely Goddess self and stop giving yourself away to men who do not love relationship with you … and STOP COLD TURKEY (I know you have Modern Siren – listen to what Rori says about our conditioning)…

    Ryan MAY be your soul mate (that’s a whole ‘nother discussion) but he is NOT in a relationship with you. After “101 commitments” FROM YOU – I don’t read anything that says he’s committing TO YOU … No more excuses about his horrible childhood, illness, abuse, hurt, etc. – we ALL have pain and sorrow in our past (I’m a survivor of childhood sexual assault as well) …

    As wonderful as he is (and I know you love him – I love(d) a man for 4 YEARS – I still feel a soul connection with him – until Rori “showed me the light” that all I had was an Imaginary Relationship) … a man who is your soul-mate and loves you is WITH you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually … and you don’t have to DO anything for him to want and BE that with you … xoxox

  47.  #47EarthDancer on April 29, 2010 at 8:47 am


    I love what this video says about the people who show up in your life…

  48.  #48heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Brenda – I agree with Earthdancer – I feel worried that having mentioned the idea of souls becoming ‘ready’ at different times, some sirens will hang out for unavailable men. I believe we meet different soulmates on life’s journey. The one we end up with may be someone we have yet to meet.

    What I feel happy about is being free of anxiety and control, focus on getting myself ‘ready’, which for me is shedding layers and accepting imperfect me.

  49.  #49heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Earthdancer – STUNNING video thank you!!

  50.  #50Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Earthdancer and Heartbeat, thank you very much for your care and concern! Yes, I have been trying to get that in perspective ever since last July. Ryan is NOT reciprocating. I feel he’s testing me, but I don’t know that. I am doing my best to get back and STAY back on my bridge, and to circular date. I feel much stronger just from all this interaction with you all and reading your experiences and wisdom. I am increasingly determined to let him go. Just so hard because up until mid-July last year, it was not an imaginery relationship AT ALL! I want back what we had. It has taken me this much time just to come to terms that it’s just not that simple. Leaning back…

  51.  #51mary on April 29, 2010 at 9:07 am


    I haven’t talked with you much, but I kindof agree with EarthDancer and Heartbeat… I want to shake you because I feel worried.

    Love, Mary

  52.  #52Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Earthdancer, that video is beautiful and well worth the 4 minutes! Thank you! It was very healing to my spirit in regards to Ryan! I feel like emailing it to him, because it expresses xactly how I feel…but I won’t, cuz I know that would be leaning forward. He taught me SO MANY things. But most importantly, he brought me back to my childhood ideals and dreams of romance, and how beautiful it could and should be! I feel so cleansed after my sexual history to be celibate again, and it is because of Ryan (and God)!

  53.  #53heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Brenda – I want to support you, and most of all invite you to focus on how you feel in the REAL situation i.e. like right now, with Ryan. Dive in deep and feel your heart. It doesn’t matter what his story is, ‘testing’ is as far from intimacy as I can imagine, it’s what toddlers do. But take comfort – I’ve come up with that story for a man too, as if somehow I’d be a greater woman for enduring.

    He may be testing, but it doesn’t matter – if it feels bad, it feels bad – and I, you, we, have to ask WHAT AM I DOING HERE (tap into Inner Rori)

  54.  #54heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Brenda – leaning back brings up uncomfortable feelings cuz we’re not used to it. I know… fear, anger, confusion and an almighty urge to revert to ‘normal’ and justify it! (yes, but…, or ‘just this once’). It’s not a mortal sin to slip, I went through a weaning process, but stay on that bridge 🙂

  55.  #55Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 9:23 am


    My heart mourns for you and your man in your dilemma! I believe pregnant mothers are the second victims of abortion. I myself came so close to being pregnant before I was ready. You are already a mother.

    What would your baby choose? Would he or she choose life? Yes, without a doubt. What will matter 10 years from now? 20 years from now? If your family will reject you over an interracial relationship and child, is that their wrong or yours? That says to me they don’t love you unconditionally. Will you love your baby unconditionally and give him or her life? If you allow them to kill your baby, you will suffer emotional trauma for the rest of your life. You could give your baby to a loving couple for adoption. But if you keep him or her, you will find that you will make a way.

    I recommend the autobiography, “Stormie”, by Stormie O’Martian, who describes her abortion and the after-effects. He or she is not a blob of tissue. Your child has fingerprints, brainwaves, and a heartbeat at only 8 weeks. Please don’t go thru a lifetime of sadness if you allow them to kill him or her. You deserve the joy of life. Your child deserves the joy of life.

    I also recommend looking up a crisis pregnancy center in your area. They can provide baby furniture, baby food, baby clothes, diapers, medical expenses, and training. If there was a mistake, is it his or her fault? There are no cheap solutions, but killing is no solution. My prayers and thoughts are with you!

  56.  #56Rori Raye on April 29, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Amanda, Welcome – and Yes! Love, Rori

  57.  #57Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Such good advice, Heartbeat! Dive in deep… what do you feel in the real situation? … yes!

    We are good at telling ourselves stories that feel noble, romantic, tragic even about how we are separated from our “soul mate” by (fill in the blank) … but at the end of the day, if your heart still aches and you’re still alone, THAT is the real situation. His story/My story… what matters is the true story.

    Brenda, my “Inner Rori” says that a man can say anything but he will always SHOW you what he really wants. This hurts at first… but in the end makes everything so simple and is quite freeing.

  58.  #58Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Earthdancer… thank you! This explains some relationships (not romantic) that have mysteriously ended after a season of amazing connection.

  59.  #59Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Heartbeat, on #53 & #54, you are right on! Thank you! I will take all that you said to heart! Yes, it is the horribly yucky feelings that I have been running from. They feel so desolate and lonely, and I thot they were in the past. I wrote this poem while I was WITH Ryan, when I felt more giddy with happiness and intimacy and connectedness than at any other time in my life:

    Good Riddance

    I want to rid myself in you
    Maybe pain doesn’t always have to leave the hard way (thru tears)
    Maybe embracing an isolated feeling
    Of beauty, of freedom, of purity
    Will banish the pain simply by leaving it in the past
    Like an old worn shoe that scrapes my sole
    On the pavement with every cruel step
    Like an old worn hurt that scrapes my heart-soul
    On the pavement with every cruel step

    Goodbye, pain! Good riddance!

    You are a finished story in a closed chapter
    You don’t belong here anymore
    Old worn shoes get tossed in the trashcan
    Without another thought, without a backward glance
    Carelessly forgotten as that trashbag is tied and tossed
    And, as I abandon pain, I abandon myself
    Lost in you, a whirlwind of delight we create
    Of beauty, of freedom, of purity

    I want to rid myself in you

    I woke up thinking this poem, and I read it to Ryan that same day. Instead of applauding me, as he often did with my other poetry, he became sullen and defensive, or perhaps angry, and he snapped, “What do you mean by that?” It was only a few days later that he did the fake proposal letdown, hurting me more deeply than I’ve ever been hurt. I felt confused at the deepest level, since I went from being completely, entirely in love with this man to distrusting him and feeling like he had just taken a perfect heart-shaped cookie cutter and surgically removed my heart, like a mad psychologist. To be totally candid, I am STILL sorting thru that confusion.

    And today, your words helped me get one step closer to putting it all in perspective, and to move on. Thank you.

  60.  #60heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Brenda – I found that once I learned to stay with the painful feelings I started to feel more womanly and strong. I learned a lot about my own patterns too, just by feeling my feelings and noticing the stories I made up around them. Hugs! xx

  61.  #61heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Thank you Rachel, and I love the bit about Noble Stories. I hold my hand up as chief author of many 🙂

  62.  #62tinque on April 29, 2010 at 9:42 am

    “a man who is your soul-mate and loves you is WITH you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually … and you don’t have to DO anything for him to want and BE that with you”

    EarthDancer – This is very well said, perfect really.

    I also want to add something, for I don’t think I’ve ever said this before. I didn’t know right away that K was “the one” and neither did he know I was. We may have wished it to be so. I’m sure we did, but it was only with time and patience and a growing of a love together and separately that the “the oneness” became clear.

  63.  #63heartbeat on April 29, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Here’s a mini example of a story. Whispering Guy suggested a quick coffee date, we agreed Friday a few days ago, since then I’ve heard nothing. He says he’s shy. I notice I feel uneasy, and I notice my mind making up stories which cast him in an unpleasant light.

    Now I have a choice – I pay attention to the uneasiness. I can allow the story to run and feel worse, or I can chalk it up as a possible indication that dating a shy guy is not for me, or I can go and do something else other than use energy pondering.

  64.  #64dawn on April 29, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Brenda,If you choose to live in the past thats exactly where you will stay! the moment is the best and only place to be !! oxox

  65.  #65Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Thank you, all, your feedback is welcome and helps light my path to my heart. 🙂

    This string is about long distance romance, and I have about 20 years worth of experience. I feel some of what Rori responded near the top was over my head, and I defer to her expertise. I can only speak from my heart.

    When I “met” Kenny thru an internet ad and then thru the mail and phone, I thought I was in love. It was most definitely a dream. Had I met him in person right away (we have only been together in person in the stiff, unyielding walls of a prison visiting room with endless eyes and rules), I would have disqualified him almost immediately. I was so naive and unwise that I actually committed to him thru the mail. Talk about “Nobel Stories”! I see it as unwise now, but at the time, we both said it IS possible to fall in love long distance.

    I met him in person 7 months after we made contact thru mail. I saw some flaws then, but by then, I was so deeply invested emotionally, that I thot we would just work them out over time. Some of these same issues remain 10 years later, after 3 yrs of marriage and 3 yrs of divorce, and I doubt they will ever be resolved. He is my best friend, but I don’t intend to remarry him, even after his eventual release.

    I’ve had many other long distance relationships, too. Scott was in Arizona, and I met him (again, in a prison visiting room) a few months after we started writing. Yes, again, it was definitely a dream I was in love with.

    I moved to AZ after “knowing” him 3.5 years, and 1 year after his release. He had a roommate, who I now highly suspect was a gay lover, and that he encouraged me to move 2000 miles and give up my life just so he could have some arm candy to show off at a company party, and perhaps to convince them he wasn’t gay. Ten days after I arrived, and after having “sex” with him twice, during which time I found his equipment was literally 2″ and unusable, he blew up in anger about something trite concerning the dish drainer. I left, and he stood there angry with his back turned to me. I had given up my life in Pennsylvania and most of my belongings for…WHAT?? A beautiful romance? Yes, so I thought. But it most definitely proved to be a dream. In reality, I moved 2000 miles for an extremely angry and most likely gay man with the penis of a toddler. I am not trying to be nasty, but my, with my passion, I never would have been satisfied with THAT! All I can say is thank God I found out then and not after marrying him.

    Amy, perhaps your delving into your deeper life issues was a bit premature. If he is THE ONE, he will come back to you. I know it hurts, and I’m sorry you are hurting. I hope my experience is of some use to you.

  66.  #66Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Dawn, in regards to Ryan, I receive your words of wisdom to stay in the present, not the past. You are right, and I have wasted tremendous amounts of energy thinking and feeling about him.

    In regards to the rest of my history I shared today, I am not ruminating…I am sharing it with huge feelings of vulnerability, in hopes that it can be of use to the other women, so they don’t fall into the canyon of despair and pain that I did.

  67.  #67Apple Jacks on April 29, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Brenda thank you for being so open and telling the story about your past like that. It takes at lot of courage to do that and that inspires me to feel courageous and open.

    I have to agree with Earthdancer and heartbeat as wellas Dawn and the others. I like what heartbeat said that testing is for toddlers. I know you love him, but I frankly feel like reaching out and smacking this Ryan and telling him to grow up. You are a woman so filled with beauty, I feel excited about the one day when you finally make that connection and realize it. How powerful you will be when that happens! But for now at least, know that that’s how we all feel about you here and that that is the truth. I feel like giving you the biggest and longest hug that lifts you up so much that you will forget about this Ryan Shmyan. But alas, baby steps and I feel in my bones that you will overcome all of this and be the happiest you can be.

    I know how hard it is when you get attached to a man who has wonderful qualities, but I’d like to point out that the wonderfulness that you see in him in reality are about you. It’s because you contain it within you and you are on a journey of finding avenues to bring that out. We all see it in you, and yay soon you’ll see it in yourself.

  68.  #68Siena on April 29, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Hi Rachel,

    If I got a text that said, “what, you aren’t talking to me anymore?” I would first look to see what he is really saying and try to ‘elevate’ the conversation. (That text sounds really childish, and I don’t want to communicate that way.)

    If I liked him and wanted to see him more, I might text back,

    “mmm, it feels so good to hear from you! I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t see someone regularly. What do you think?”

    (for relationship, I might substitute ‘situation’ or a word like that)

    The reason why is, if he’s TEXTING me to ask where I’ve been, it means he hasn’t been asking me out in time for him to get a date with me. In other words, he’s not really stepping up to the plate.

    If I didn’t want to talk to him, I would say something like

    “I feel bad, but I don’t want to continue seeing you.”

    and that’s it. No “what do you think” here, because that’s inviting him into convo, which I just said I didn’t want to do.

    Rori’s formula is feeling message + the authentic truth + “what do you think.”



  69.  #69Siena on April 29, 2010 at 10:41 am


    I could use some help in my intentions. I am getting everything I ask for, which is really wonderful! But I’m not asking for exactly the right things, and that feels frustrating. I could write a novel about how I’ve thought something and it ‘magically’ appeared that day or soon thereafter, but I won’t to spare you (heehee). Here’s the latest:

    Working through “Targeting”, and wrote down my Vision in Detail, using feeling messages. I wrote,

    “I feel safe and loved. I feel wanted and pursued. I feel proud of him. I feel happy and relaxed. I feel young and like time is on my side. I feel good!”

    All good things, right? The problem is, sexy man came into my life – and I really do feel that way in his presence, but he’s not appropriate (ew, I hate that word, it feels yucky) for me.

    I’m not complaining at ALL. Just asking for some ideas of how to attract a situation that is ALL those things PLUS the happily ever after part. Or maybe, better would be, what would a “no red flags” intention sound like? And not that I don’t SEE the red flags, but that there ARE none.

    Dawn, it sounds like you do intentions a lot, right? Do you have a formula or something specific that works for you?

    I feel silly asking these things (duh Siena, stand on your own!) but I love bouncing my stuff off you goddesses, so I do! It feels good to do it!

    Love, Siena

  70.  #70dawn on April 29, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Brenda, I feel your honesty with your past commendable. I feel at odds with your reasoning for sharing such intimate details , as each of us have our own vulnerabilities and sorrows. I feel you may be trying to justify your choices. Some of us resonate with others stories and some dont. I feel it would really help you to express your feelings about your troubles . I felt my story was just that . A story of a sad, mad girl. New starts and stories are so much more exciting !Id really like to hear your feelings . Id feel honored to hear your ambitions and new found feelings.

  71.  #71dawn on April 29, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Siena, Odd as it may sound what I need comes to my front door. I think it all comes in the ability to have ALL of our body, mind and soul on the same page. If subconciously you dont feel deserving it wont happen. Ive been doing this for some time but the best results coming only after being on siren island. My confidence and love for myself is through the roof. Thats when it all comes together!

  72.  #72diamond on April 29, 2010 at 10:56 am


    Are you okay?

    I feel uncomfortable with some of the posts here about your baby. Some of the things said would have felt pressuring to me if I were pregnant and unwed.

    It wouldn’t feel good if you were to feel pressured by us here in one way or the other. That is NOT what I intended by posting what I did.

  73.  #73Siena on April 29, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Dawn, that doesn’t sound odd to me. I sounds powerful and “right”! hmmmm, I really resonate with what you say about me not feeling deserving. So maybe I just add that in…. “I feel deserving of all of this – in my subconscious and conscious – because I know and trust that a good relationship with my soul mate will help me to grow and thrive, more so than if I remain single.”

  74.  #74dawn on April 29, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Siena, I feel obnoxious at times!! Im 45 and just finally getting it ! I hear thats when Oprah got it so i fee OK with that1 The whole secret to ALL that you desire in life whether it be riches, a soulmate, perfect job …… is to truly believe in yourself1 When ALL the limitations are gone there is nothing stopping you. Our mind and thoughts are like that little devil on your shoulder . It truly does come from within ourselves.

  75.  #75diamond on April 29, 2010 at 11:04 am

    I have a question for whoever: Is it possible to have a conversation with a man about things you feel strongly about as a siren? Because whenever I talk in any serious way with my husband I get into this male energy. We have drifted so much apart that we don’t think the same way at all anymore, and I feel distressed and angry a lot when we talk. I feel like I have to back down and swallow my feelings and opinions in order to keep the peace. He comes on so strong sometimes (not aggressive but cold, driving, and logical, like a lawyer) that I feel afraid and shut down and don’t even want to be around him. But I need someone, I need a man I can talk to — it doesn’t feel good to just pass pleasantries and never really talk to someone you’re supposed to be married to.

    I feel discouraged.

  76.  #76dawn on April 29, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Siena, Make a list of all you desire. Read it every morning and nite. Dont explain (think) about it . I desire true love, I desire financial freedom etc….. The more you think about it you will try to talk yourself into thinking you arent worthy. Only be positive with nothing negative surrounding your desires. I desire is all you have to feel.

  77.  #77Siena on April 29, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Diamond, I am NOT an expert at all… but what has helped me get past my fear of expressing myself to keep the peace, was to understand that I OWN my feelings. And I am allowed and have the God-given right to communicate any feeling I have to ANYONE. The trick is to keep it all about me, without bringing the other person into it or blaming them.

    When I’m expressing my feelings, I also imagine keeping my energy completely self-contained, so that it’s not going out to the other person at all. This has helped me keep from blaming or making my feelings about anyone other than myself. No one can make me feel anything. Only I control my feelings. Intimacy begins when I can start to communicate my authentic truth, and feeling messages are a good place to start. All of Rori’s tools are about building up your energy in this way and then expressing yourself authentically.

    I started here on Siren Island by expressing feelings I felt in the moment, no matter how scary they felt. Little by little, I realized that the “grenades” I thought I was dropping weren’t really that at all. And as I got bolder, I became much more in touch with myself.

    And now I feel empowered! I hope that helps some.

  78.  #78dawn on April 29, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Diamond, The feeling messages you just put in your post would be a great start ! They were brilliant ! Say it to him just as you said it here. stay firm and you will see a huge change. Sometimes thoughts come off as blaming where as feelings come from your beautiful heart!

  79.  #79Siena on April 29, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Thanks Dawn. I have those lists, and I see the things I desire coming to me at record speed. I feel so powerful! But also a little like an apprentice magician, with a magic wand that is a little out of control (hee hee).

    I need to get clear on my intentions. Thank you for your help! It feels good to read when money and other things magically appear for you – it reminds me how tangible this stuff is!

    Love you!

  80.  #80dawn on April 29, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Siena, Money has a neutral energy and can be hard to manifest . Thats where true intent and desire really come into play. I love my magicians wand ! LOL

  81.  #81Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 11:30 am


    Thank you for replying to my question.

    I feel excited about intentions! I used to practice this more, but got off track somewhere. Thank you for reminding me that it is possible to “write” our stories through intentions.

    I think I’ll write an intention list for my upcoming weekend. This gives me hope!

    For starters… I intend to stay on my horse and ride gloriously!

  82.  #82Siena on April 29, 2010 at 11:37 am

    “For starters… I intend to stay on my horse and ride gloriously!”

    Omigosh, I just made a mental connection there that will help me forever after! Thank you Rachel!

    I ride horses as a hobby. When you’re at a full gallop, there are only 2 ways to feel comfortable and to keep the horse moving forward. One is to sort of pitch forward and raise up in the stirrups to move yourself off the saddle. But this can be difficult to do for long periods of time, because it takes a lot of muscle!

    The other way, the way I like to do it best, is to find the ‘soft spot’ in your ‘seat’ and ride from there. The ‘soft spot’ can only be found if I’m leaning back.

    So leaning back = moving my horse forward at a full gallop with hardly any effort on my part. I love it!!

  83.  #83Rachel on April 29, 2010 at 11:46 am


    OMG… I just rode a horse for the first time about 2 weeks ago. The instructor was teaching me how to trot (not up to a gallop yet!) and I was bouncing all around… felt very out of control. But then when I leaned back, I found the spot where I could ride with the rhythm of the horse and stay on! I kept tensing up and losing it, but for a few seconds, I found it and was able to enjoy the ride.

    Thank you for this analogy. I can relate which I wouldn’t have been able to 2 weeks ago! I feel so excited… almost like that riding lesson was destined so that I’d know how to “ride” and relax in my relationships.

    Wow! Big lightbulb moment! =-)

  84.  #84Siena on April 29, 2010 at 11:50 am

    “almost like that riding lesson was destined so that I’d know how to “ride” and relax in my relationships.”

    YES! Exactly how you described becoming comfortable in the trot is… yes!! I feel chills. And I just made that connection before because you said it too!

    We are eachother’s messengers. It’s AMAZING when the messages come to answer questions. Thank you God!

  85.  #85kismet on April 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    To all that replied to me, thank you.

    To Rori’s response, yes I’m looking for help and already got in contact with a cultural liason so I can discuss this with my family.

    I am a positive person and look at the best case scenario, people around me would say I’m naive and immature and to also look at the worst case scenario. The friends I’ve told are very supportive and loving. To me, what feels better is having the baby. I don’t see the situation as being trapped nor “ruining my life” as my family sees it.

    I’m just tired of the situations where it seems I can’t have my happiness, or people around me try to take it away from me. My family will make it very difficult on me by finding all the faults in our relationship and in him and his family. Talk about unwanted pressure…

    I didn’t mean to post my situation and decision here. What I meant was, do I lose my power in any of the choices I make?

  86.  #86tinque on April 29, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    kismet – if you make your decision from your heart knowing with all you have that this is the right choice for you, then you are absolutely and completely in YOUR power.

  87.  #87Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Apple Jacks, RE: #68 – Thank you so much for your sweet comments! I know you all are right about how to handle the situation with Ryan. It really helps me to feel your support. It helps me feel more objective, perceptive, and balanced.

    When I’m not operating out of neediness and desperation, the healthy part of me shakes my hips and wiggles my finger at him, “If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it!” **Deep Sigh** I think that, but I don’t feel that. The feeling part of me still feels the love I cultivated so deeply last year.

    I don’t comprehend how to go from loving someone with your entire being to disliking them. I will keep my love for him and focus more on my love for myself. I feel peaceful and content with that, at least for this moment. And, this moment is all I need. Feel…breathe…try to not eat rum cake and drink Coke.

  88.  #88Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Rachel and Siena, RE: #69 – If I got a text that said, “what, you aren’t talking to me anymore?” …

    If I remember correctly, in “Commitment Blueprint”, Rori suggests, “Oh, that feels so weird! It feels so good to talk with you! I feel confused why you would think that!” (If he texted, I am not sure…would I text back or call back?)

    Then, if he says something like, “Well, I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

    I might say, “I am so happy to hear from you! I am here now!” or “I felt hopeful you would call me!”

    How do you all feel about that?

  89.  #89Siena on April 29, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Brenda, I like your response much better than mine. But (hehe) now it IS mine too. Thank you!

  90.  #90Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Dawn, RE: #71 – You said, “I feel you may be trying to justify your choices.”

    I appreciate your feedback! I could write an entire book on my experiences. I was trying to keep it brief…even then, it was lengthy. To include feelings would have been voluminous. As I go along, I intend to share my feelings with current happenings and reflective moments with you.

    I don’t feel I was trying to justify my choices. I feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed about my dating and sexual history. It’s an utter disgrace! I surely wasn’t trying to impress you all with that, and I typically bury it and do not enjoy recalling it. My choices were unwise and naive at best.

    I am a toddler in my emotional/social growth, and I am learning Rori’s tools like a starving siren. Yet in some areas here, I feel sage. Opposites go in pairs: wisdom and mistakes. Mistakes are the expensive way to gain wisdom. I have paid heavily for those choices, and how I wish I could turn back time and live a normal married life with children instead of all that smut that just about led to me swearing off men (I DID swear off men for the year of 2008, just before Ryan started calling me).

    Some things we can only learn by experiencing them. My hope and prayer is that some of you beautiful sirens can learn the easy way…by MY experience, rather than frittering away precious years of your youth and beauty on so-called men who don’t deserve your heart. I don’t see that as wrong. I see that as an act of love.

  91.  #91Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Siena, thank you! Maybe there IS hope for me! *Chuckles!*

    How do you feel about texting? I am sick of texting. If a man texts, I agree with an earlier post, he’s not stepping up to the plate. When he texts, do we text back? Do we say, “I feel weird texting”? Hmmm… I want to get away from that with Ryan.

  92.  #92Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Ah! I just remembered one I saw and copied into my draft texts recently, from here, I think:

    “I need a bit more contact than we’re having, and it doesn’t feel good to ask for it. I’m not sure what to do so I don’t feel taken for granted. What do you think?”

    How do you all feel about this?
    I have another question…Rori Raye and Christian Carter work together, right? Are we allowed to discuss Christian Carter tools on here? He is the one I began to listen to first, and then his CDs introduced me to Rori. 🙂

  93.  #93Siena on April 29, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Hi Bren,

    Hugs to you! You wrote, “I feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed about my dating and sexual history. It’s an utter disgrace!”

    What if it’s only a disgrace if you call it that? How would it feel to say instead, “I feel sad because I did things while in a hurt or grieving or misinformed place that I now feel hurt me. But I love and accept myself anyway because I know that I am a child of God and that nothing I’ve done can ever take His love away from me?” Can you hear how much gentler and loving that sounds to yourself?

    I felt really hurt for your “inside Bren” when I read that statement. She isn’t disgraceful! She’s a beautiful person who has grown in wisdom with everything she’s experienced!

    Whenever I would say things like, “I’m fat or I’m dumb”, my mom would say, “honey, your inside self hears that stuff and believes it when you say it. So please don’t say it because it’s not true. You are beautiful and smart. That’s the truth.”

    I love my mom for teaching me that – and that’s why I often say things like, “I’m lovely or I’m beautiful” because I want my inside self to hear it so that she believes it too.

    I don’t know what Rori says about “I need” statements. hmmm… that’s an interesting one! I might tweak your message to say

    “I feel lonely, and it doesn’t feel good to ask for more contact, but I don’t want to feel taken for granted. What do you think?” I might leave the “do” part out altogether – because it’s HIS place to DO. Yours is only to say how you feel and the truth, and ask him what to think. I could be wrong, I’m still learning here!

    And yes, we discuss EVERYTHING on here – fire away!



  94.  #94Siena on April 29, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    oh, and I personally like texting. Especially a little ‘sexting’ here and there (hee hee). It feels good to read it later.

    I also like to text while I’m learning to speak in feeling messages because I can really craft my message in a text.

    But I don’t want it as the main form of communication. Maybe 20% of the time.

  95.  #95Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    I like texting/sexting too, Siena. 🙂

    Has anyone read Evan’s book, “Why He Disappeared”? I have not, but am curious if any of you have and what you thought about it.

    Cassandra, are you there? I feel curious about whether you made the trip to meet your guy and how it went. (It was Cassandra, right?)

  96.  #96Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Hi Siena,

    I feel sad because I did things while in a hurt, grieving, and misinformed place that I now feel hurt me. But I love and accept myself anyway because I know that I am a child of God and that nothing I’ve done can ever take His love away from me. I treat myself gently and lovingly, even tho I’ve made mistakes in the past (and present **cringes!**).

    I feel really hurt for my “inside Bren”. She isn’t disgraceful! She’s a beautiful person who has grown in wisdom with everything she’s experienced!

    I am beautiful and smart. That’s the truth.

    *big grin!* I feel deeply touched.
    Thank you.

    Better Bren

  97.  #97Siena on April 29, 2010 at 2:32 pm


    “Has anyone read Evan’s book, “Why He Disappeared”?”

    No, and I won’t until Evan renames it, “Why He Disappeared, and How He Now Realizes What an Idiot He Was Because He’ll Never Find Another Woman as Awesome as You and How He’s Now Thinking of Just the Right Way to Win Your Heart Back.”

    I’m waiting for that edition before I make my purchase.


  98.  #98Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    A lot of heavy-duty emotions have risen to the surface today. I have tried to squash them back down with Coke and rum cake. I love my heavy-duty emotions, because they are a warning signal that I need to deal with the pain in my still-bleeding heart. I feel so loving towards myself even tho I ate two big pieces of cake and had two Cokes this afternoon. I feel a deep need for love and affirmation, and I know eating is not a way to fill myself with love. But it feels good when the cake is sweet and warm and soft, and it imitates the soft, sweet, warm feeling of love. I love myself even tho I am overweight. I love self-discovery and self-counseling, because it leads me to my true heart of devoted love, not only for a special man, but for myself. I love myself and accept myself, exactly the way I am. I would feel so free and so empowered if I got to the place where overeating felt self-sabotaging and icky while caressing my heart with words and friends like you felt like the proper response to my starving heart.

  99.  #99Daria on April 29, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Siena –
    how about

    Why he disappeared – and why that’s a GOOD thing


    Why he disappeared – and how you found yourself

  100.  #100Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Lol, Siena! I wonder if Evan will see what you wrote and comment on it. Haha.

    If he does, he will probably say something like, “That’s exactly why I wrote this book. Women think he left because he was an idiot. Women are not aware of the mistakes they are making with men that are the real reason men disappear.”

    I got an email/ad about the book today, and in a testimonial a woman wrote about how things are now going great with her guy, “… and he asked me if i would make lasagna for him when he came home” — said as if that was a good thing for him to ask. I was like, huh? That’s progress?

  101.  #101Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    On texting and sexting, I am actually a text addict, and I love it. I said I don’t like it in the sense that Ryan has ONLY texted me for a while. I agree, Siena, I want it to be no more than 20% of my relationship. Ryan knows the value of emotions, and he uses it, along with many other techniques, to hide his emotions. I don’t like THAT. Texting I love, when a girlfriend writes back openly. It’s the hiding and missing communication of live face-to-face I don’t like. I will also remind you I have 21 years of long distance relationships. So much is lost in translation when it’s not live and in person. It is a major reason why I am so far behind in my social skills. But I love it that I’m catching up!

  102.  #102Siena on April 29, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    “If he does, he will probably say something like, “That’s exactly why I wrote this book. Women think he left because he was an idiot. Women are not aware of the mistakes they are making with men that are the real reason men disappear.”

    Okay, good point. So I’ll rename it, “Why He Disappeared, and How He Now Realizes How Much Work Relationships Take and That He’ll Never Find Another Woman as Awesome as You and How He’s Now Thinking of Just the Right Way to Win Your Heart Back.”

  103.  #103Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I received this script yesterday as feedback for dealing with Kenny not listening to me:

    “I would feel happy hearing about a conversation with Kenny that went kinda like this:
    K- How are you?
    B- I feel happy that you called. And I feel a little mad and frustrated.
    K-Why do you feel mad and frustrated?
    B-It felt awful to be hung up on when I was expressing my feelings.
    K-(blame-shifting stuff)
    B-I feel mad.
    K-(more blame-shifting)
    B-I feel so sad and helpless.
    K-(more blame-shifting)
    B-I don’t want to be in a relationship where my feelings are not valued. What do you think?”

    I used the feeling messages this morning when Kenny called me. I have told him for 10 years one of my biggest pet peeves is being interrupted. He does it over and over and over when we are in a controversial discussion.

    He keeps saying our issue is over my brother, and he blame-shifts his disagreement to my brother. I said the feeling messages above, and he said, “Ok, I get it. You told me my place, and I’ll stay there. If you want to end our friendship, just say so.”
    More feeling messages from above.
    “I know, he’s the more important person in your life, even tho I’ve stood by you for 10 years.”
    “Kenny, I feel exasperated!! I feel helpless! I feel totally unheard! This is not ABOUT my brother! This is about OUR FRIENDSHIP!”
    “I know, you just don’t want me in your life anymore.”
    “Kenny, I feel unheard. I feel sad. I feel exasperated. I am TRYING to DEEPEN our friendship, not END it!”
    “Well you sure have a hell of a way of doing it.”

    See, he’s not used to feeling messages from me much. I so easily fall into my old relational patterns that are too well established in this relationship. So he doesn’t know what to do with it yet.

    Finally in utter frustration I said, “Kenny, MY issue is I feel interrupted whenever we are discussing something controversial. YOUR issue is about my brother. MY issue is about feeling interrupted. If I insisted that trees are purple and you were trying to convince me they are green, I would be interrupted.”
    The whole time I’m saying that he’s interrupting me about 5 times.
    “Kenny, PLEASE, just let there be silence in the air for 20 seconds? Please hear me?”
    I restated my analogy about purple and green trees, and he was interrupting me again.
    “Well, Brenda, I don’t know what you’re trying to say, but I can tell you I am in love with you.”
    I intend to continue to use feeling messages. He is a friend and only a friend, and this is the number one reason why. I don’t feel he is capable of connecting with my heart of hearts.

    Feeling messages….they feel right.

  104.  #104Siena on April 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Here’s another answered question. The Man’s birthday was very recent (no, I didn’t reach out to him – I’m leaning back). I found myself thinking recently that he shared many of the same qualities of a crush I was totally in love with – but completely crashed and burned with – many many years ago. And I wondered about the similarities between the two.

    Today I went on FB, and I saw that it is my old crush’s birthday today. So I went to his page, and saw his current girlfriend’s post wishing him Happy Birthday. She calls him the same nickname as I called The Man.

    hmmm, that feels interesting. But I am not stuck in my old patterns. I have broken free of my old patterns, and now I am creating a new and different path for myself.

    My old crush and The Man might share similar qualities, but I handled the situation with The Man in a completely different way than I did the situation with the old crush. I am learning and growing, and my past is not repeating itself here. This is a new path. Thank you! I feel deep breath and liberated!

  105.  #105Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    I feel freaked out.
    I feel confused.
    What else is new.
    I feel bored by being freaked out and confused.
    I had a date with S. He is forward leaning big time.
    I felt overwhelmed.
    I was supposed to go out with him again tonight but woke up this morning with a MAJOR headache and rage at B. He abandoned me. Like those guys who tell their wives they are going to the store and never come back. Slimy and cowardly.
    The rage gave me a migraine. Really it did. The power was out at our house.
    The CBE lady says I’m processing.
    I texted S to call off the date and he texted back. “tell me if this is more about you not being ready to date. I like you, I’ll wait.”
    WHO is this guy?
    My sister is obsessed with finding out if our judo instructor is single. She says he’s got a job and is bendy so that’s a good thing.
    I feel safe with him. He’s the judo instructor. I feel safer with him than S. But then he’s not attempting to engage me emotionally. Hes teaching me to disarm an attacker with a knife. Which is wayyyyy more fun than I thought it would be.

  106.  #106Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Brenda! That is such great progress!


  107.  #107Brenda on April 29, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Siena, RE: #104 on birthdays – Hmmm, how does a siren treat birthdays? Leaning back means not even wishing happy birthday? Ryan’s birthday is in May. Can I at least text him happy birthday? How do you feel about that?

  108.  #108Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Siena – my comment didnt go thru
    but i said:

    what about

    Why he disappeared – and why thats a GOOD thing


    Why he disappeared – and how you found yourself

  109.  #109Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Jennifer – i feel so JEALOUS of you learning to disarm attackers with guns and knives.

    ever since i was a little girl i’ve been wanting to do that, but alas my karate classes were mostly punching drills


    i WANT that.

    thank you

  110.  #110Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Brenda –

    I wouldn’t text him. If he called me, then I would say happy birthday.

  111.  #111Siena on April 29, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Daria, that can be the subtitle. 🙂

    I’m just saying that disappearing is such a negative thing, and it can be turned around!

    Bren, texting happy birthday feels leaning forward. Give him the gift instead of NOT getting in touch be let him wonder why you aren’t (if he even thinks about it at all). Some men I’ve known put zero stock in their birthdays. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries -I feel those are all woman things. We are biologically programmed (menstruation, pregnancy) to place specific emphasis on the passage of time and to mark certain events.

  112.  #112Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    hey Daria…
    It’s righteously fun. You should totally do Judo. The class we take you can only get here. It’s the brain child of our instructor it’s called Shinjudo. It’s a combination of things.
    But totally FUN FUN FUN.
    The best part is that since there are only four of us in class and three of us are women….H (the instructor) has tailored the class for us. We will be learning to get an attacker off of us if we are pinned down either on our backs or face down.

  113.  #113Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    HOLY CRAP!!!!!!
    Daria is jealous of ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!
    That would be a first in the recorded history of my life!!!!!

  114.  #114Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    What if disappearing is a positive thing? hehe

    mischievous goddess

    hehe Jennifer no i do believe i’ve felt jealous of you SEVERAL times.

    including how you stood up to your dad about your mom

    how you have a close relationship with your family

    how you’re doing core belief reingeneering

    how you seem to be able to take care of yourself financially

    i KNOW i’ve mentioned feeling jealous abuot at least SOME of these


  115.  #115Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Thanks Daria!

  116.  #116Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Dear Angels – please have me magically learn the self defense things Jennifer is learning in a FUN way!



  117.  #117Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    I feel HAPPY!!!

    I’m converting Targeting Mr. Right so i can put it on my itouch!


  118.  #118Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Hugs Jennifer – so tell us more about your feelings and your dates with masculine seeming S… what tools have you been using?

    I’ve been feeling a lil disappointed because I feel afraid to hold 5 second eye contact with men – STILL!!!

    I start thinking of coming to the US in the 3rd grade and how every social move i made seemed to be off, and i felt so confused and rejected

    everything i did was labeled “weird”

    I felt helpless… all this jumps up when I look people in the eye

  119.  #119Daria on April 29, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    I feel afraid to hold the eye contact with people on the street, men and women both.

    I mean, people don’t do that to ME!

    why would i want to create intimacy with strangers?

    people will think… why is she all in my grill??

  120.  #120Siena on April 29, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Okay tenacious, mischevious goddess. It’s positive because it creates space for new and better things… Like coming back and falling in line with all the other men trying to win my heart (hee hee)… or so many other things!!

    Wow, I feel excited!! It IS a positive thing!

    I feel schooled and headstrong. Thank you Daria (feeling shy)

  121.  #121Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    “Give him the gift instead of NOT getting in touch”

    Yes! Thanks, Siena! TN man’s birthday is next month.

    If he later says anything about missing his birthday, I will tell him that that was my present to him.

    Afterall, isn’t raising his interest in an amazing woman by leaning back an AMAZING BIRTHDAY GIFT?

  122.  #122Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    OMG Daria…third grade is the WORST!
    S is different from any man i’ve ever met.
    He is working full time. Has custody of his daughter and is working on a philosophy degree.
    He literally wanted to know all about B. I was reluctant to talk about it cause I said it felt gauche on a first date but he insisted. He asked questions all over the place.
    It felt a little prying. I mostly used some feeling messages. I was just speaking my truth alot.
    He tried to holdmy hand but I couldn’t and I was very honest with him and said it was about only relating to men in a professional or family capacity for 6 years.
    Holding hands with a stranger felt wierd.
    He said he understood.
    I did feel overwhelmed and I just emailed him that.
    CBE lady says it’s ok to not go out again if I feel uncomfortable about it.
    Like I said. I feel more comfortable in the presenceo of H but I don’t think he’s interested in me. He’s very professional.

  123.  #123Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    “Why He Disappeared — Who Cares?”

  124.  #124Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    my money friend is engaged to the pilot.
    I felt nasty about it for a few minutes…but then she said she bought me a pandora bracelet so I feel better now.
    oo…I feel shallow!

  125.  #125Simply Shannon on April 29, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Ohhhh Jennifer! I texted S to call off the date and he texted back. “tell me if this is more about you not being ready to date. I like you, I’ll wait.”

    All that time of begging for time with B and now S is willing to WAIT on you. I like this guy!

    Okay, I do feel a little weird that he asked you so much about B. “I feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to talk about old boyfriends.”

    Tell us more. What feelings are coming up?

  126.  #126Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    I dunno…between the overwhelm from S and the processing the rage…im a mess.
    I feel a little panicky…low level stuff…
    he emailed me back… this is what he said.

    Listen I hope you know that I think you’re special and that I want to get to know you for who you are.

    I have a tendency to overwhelm people. That’s because I’m really energetic and strong minded.

    You deserve to be listened to and understood. So do I which is why I think it’s cool you are Leo and also very intelligent. Plus you seem to be a really sweet person!!!! That’s a huge plus for me, being a father and very conscientious of people’s values. I don’t mean that in a crappy right-wing way… but more that I’m impressed by you.

    Get your rest and don’t worry about a thing. We can reschedule whenever you want to.

    Take it easy and have a hot bath with a hot towel around your head. Soak it in and just chill. It’ll get better.

    See you soon!

  127.  #127Daria on April 29, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Jennifer – wow that message from S made ME feel better.

    How do i get a towel hot? to put it around my head?

    i freakin just had an icky feeling conversation with a guy tryna get somethin from me

  128.  #128Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    hey Daria…that sucks. I HATE that vibe…it freaks me out.
    I just put towels in the dryer to get em hot.
    and I do two…one to fold up for under my back.

  129.  #129Daria on April 29, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    OMG in the dryer! GENIUS!!!

  130.  #130Simply Shannon on April 29, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    LOL! Dryer. Duh. I was like microwave, ummm… ??? LOL!

    And Brenda: I dunno. When I read the story of your experience. I feel power and pride. I don’t feel ick. I feel amazement. I feel wow. I feel intrigue. I feel jealous to not have those experiences.

    Is it possible that you made those experiences icky and shameful in your mind simply because the end result didn’t turn out as you planned? I mean, at the time, it felt pleasurable or you wouldn’t have done it. Just another way to look at it.

    For what it’s worth, I’m sort of talking to myself when I’m talking to you. I slept around a lot before I was married. And I feel/felt shame about it. But now I’m trying to flip it and say “it felt good at the time”. Maybe back then I wasn’t looking for a real relationship and sought sex for pleasure but in my brain, I did it searching for love (which helps me to justify why I had sex in the first place).

    Lucy: I still feel very curious how you got past the whole guilt and shame thing around sex. I feel intrigued because I had the same thing in my marriage. I never felt entirely free even with my now ex husband. It was still something dirty and not entirely pleasurable. I have better sex now but the guilt still lingers. And just becoming a Christian… well, the guilt is off the charts now. 🙁

  131.  #131Siena on April 29, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    ewwww, so I used Rori’s “I feel intrigued line” and he responded, “I feel inspired.”


    I feel yuck

  132.  #132mackenzie on April 29, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Lucy – way too funny 🙂

    I have a question…I went on 2 dates with someone that I really like and he is crazy about me. He asked me toward the end of the 2nd date whether I was dating anyone else and I said yes. He got really quiet and all the energy seemed to drain away and now I haven’t heard from him. I’m trying not to feel weird or scared but I wrote to him and gave him Rori’s I don’t want to be a girlfriend speech and I added in something about the fact that he was extremely physically affectionate which I love but that I’m not ready to jump in too fast too deep physically until I feel really, really good about the rest of the relationship which may take longer than he likes (just trying to set expectations)

    Did I lean forward by writing to him or did I give a power speech?

  133.  #133Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I’m just thinkin out loud here…and not being a Christian you can take my opinion with a grain of salt but really…I don’t think JC cares if you were with a bunch of guys before you came to the church.
    He hung out with Mary Magdalene…and if you believe current dogma…she was a prostitute. I think you are more valuable to him BECAUSE you have had a rocky road. The salvation is sweeter for someone who knows the difference maybe? Some one who led a lilly white life might not appreciate feeling the forgiveness as much?
    What do you think?
    I just hate for you to go around feeling guilty. That’s an energy killer.

  134.  #134mackenzie on April 29, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    Siena…I would take that as a compliment. Why ewwww?

  135.  #135Simply Shannon on April 29, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Thanks Jennifer! I actually don’t feel guilty about my past (at least not as much). It is what it is. My problem is that becoming a Christian and being single again did nothing to abate my sexual desires. I still lust hardcore and I’ve had sex since becoming a Christian. Lucy mentioned getting past the guilty feelings because she realized she was manifesting the guilt even after she got married. I feel curious about that since I know I feel/felt guilt around sex when I was married. I know I feel it now because I shouldn’t be doing it. I pray about it but the feelings are still there. It’s kind of like practicing Rori’s tools. I know I should do feeling messages but sometimes I slip up. I love and accept myself completely. 🙂

  136.  #136Jennifer on April 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    well, at the risk of stirring up controversy I think that’s one of the advantages of paganism.
    One rule…
    “an it harm none, do what ye will.”
    Allows for consensual sex between adults. Good times.

  137.  #137Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Oops, I posted this in the wrong place, so I’m reposting it here.

    Shannon — I hear you. I was raised in a Christian home, went to Christian college, and have always had mostly Christian influences in my life.

    And always had a very strong sex drive.

    That combination was lethal to my self-esteem, and I spent a large part of my adolescence and young adulthood in penitent prayer, tears, depression, hopelessness, guilt, and shame because of it.

    In the past several years, I had a series of horrible experiences that eventually led me to question everything I had ever believed and been taught about God and Christianity. My entire faith and belief system were dismantled, and I started from scratch, rebulding my faith without any reference to anyone else’s interpretations of the Bible, God, doctrine, etc. In this process, I learned that so much of what I had been taught and believed were simply people’s opinions and interpretations.

    During that time, two years ago, I connected with TN man through match.com, and found that he had taken a similar journey. We emailed for a month, but I was still in a very self-righteous, judgmental place, and kept badgering him with questions about his divorce because I wasn’t sure if he had “biblical grounds” (which I had). No wonder he soon disappeared!

    I was devastated, because we really had so much in common spiritually and emotionally, and he had seemed to like me at first. And it was the first time I had found someone who I felt made the pain of my failed marriage worthwhile. So I grieved, and my therapist helped me work through it.

    Three months later I was completely over him, he was out of my mind, and I had a crush on my daughter’s lit professor. I was vaccuuming the house and suddenly a voice inside my head said, “[TN man’s full name] will come back. And when he does, you need to be ready for him.” I was stunned. I assumed it was God, and I thought “be ready” meant “run for your life” (because at that time I didn’t yet realize that it was my fault he left! I thought he was just a jerk who had played with my heart).

    So I watched for his return. Months passed, and I finally decided the voice had been my imagination or something. And I forgot all about it. Literally.

    Two years later (last August), out of the blue, he facebook friended me! Suddenly I remembered the voice and felt astounded! We started chatting right away, and one of the first things he said was, “I’ve changed a lot in the past couple years.” And a month later he was saying to me, “You’re way more fun than you were last time!”

    And he was right — I had worked through so much garbage, had left a very unhealthy church (had been best friends with the narcissistic female pastor), and was so much more free, open, accepting, loving.

    We talked a lot about the church, God, spirituality, sex, and shame. He had worked through shame in his own life, so he knew just how I felt. (I will go through his old emails and stuff when I get a chance to see if there’s anything there that might help you.)

    A large part of it was dealing with shame in GENERAL — not just in relation to sex. He asked me to read a book by Francis Lucille (can’t recall the title), and The Presence Process by Michael Brown. Brown’s book was extremely helpful in healing shame and guilt for me. TN man helped me with processing what I was reading and experiencing.

    I wish I could just come up with a checklist of what I did to get past sexual shame and guilt, but it was more of an organic, individualized process.

    He later sent me audios of Eckhart Tolle’s “Stillness Speaks,” and that was helpful for just accepting myself and everyone else just the way we all are (another antidote to shame and guilt).

    A large part of it has to do with truly loving yourself. And recognizing that love is what it’s ALL about — all of life is about love. LOVE, not rules.

    Like Brenda said, there are Biblical rules about sex that are meant to protect us. I have come to believe and understand that the rules are like caution signs. Not absolute can’ts, shouldn’ts, mustn’ts, but more like be careful, be sensible, and always be loving toward yourself and others.

    I felt interested watching Siena process her decision about whether to take a lover. I described part of my own experience with that earlier, but one thing I want to add: At this time, I will probably not have sex with a man again until I am in a committed, loving relationship. It’s just where I am in my journey now. Nothing to do with shame or guilt or rules. It may actually have a lot to do with the fact that I wouldn’t want my kids to know, and I don’t feel like having a secret life.

    However, if I do get a chance to meet TN man in person and the chemistry is there for both of us, I WILL sleep with him! Lol. I will make an exception with him, even without a commitment, because if our pheromones, etc. match up, well, I already know that his body is visually extremely appealing and his face looks ultra-kissable (yes, I know, unless he has bad breath or something!) And, a man I know who knows him told me that most women find him very attractive in person. And, he taught me so much and helped me so much, so I think I would like to be with him that way. But who knows what will happen.

    Shannon, if you have specific questions I would be happy to try to answer them.


  138.  #138Lucy on April 29, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Haha, I just realized that I answered the “Why he disappeared” question in my long story. 🙂

  139.  #139kismet on April 29, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I just had an amazing shift with physical pain =)

    Two nights ago, I was so worried and cried and felt so much pain because of a misunderstanding between my boyfriend and me. I usually get physically drained for a week after intense crying. So the day after I started feeling my body tense up, losing its control, stiff and limp and heavy, especially with the joints. It got worse today because my legs felt really weird. I was scared of having a breakdown because I’m prone to those. My body just shuts down and become unresponsive. I thought, this is bad, not right now please, I don’t want to be seen as unfit to have my baby.

    In the past I’ve tried to sleep it off and take a rest, but I would wake up feeling the same. Even playing tennis did not work. I layed in bed for 30 minutes listening to music and meditating/breathing but it didn’t work. I got scared, then I told myself I can’t give up and give in to this. “I’m soft on the outside and strong on the inside” like Rori taught us. When I had that thought, I was full of intent and firm about not giving up. Then I felt tingling sensation on my calf. I tried again with each breath and felt powerful. Started smiling as I felt more tingling in my legs here and there. It worked! In just a second of changing my belief and thought to a positive one, I healed my physical pain, the one thing I had trouble with in the past!

    It was riffing but on the physical and present. I didn’t know our thoughts can be this powerful. So imagine what effect it can have if this was used to help people with disorders and depression. It can reprogram how we deal with situations and help our body’s response system. =)

  140.  #140mary on April 29, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Hello Simply Shannon,

    I have a lot of respect for your process.

    I’m getting out there and dating again, and it’s too early to worry about sex, but in the next weeks and months, watch for my comments!

    I’m trying to pre-think it.

    One thing that is taking the edge off of desire is having MEN in my life. Since I don’t have THE MAN yet, MEN will work for now.


    No commitment.

    No sex. But lots of fun! Lots of plans!

    Lots of understanding and caring.

    Lots of telling my life story this way or that.

    Lots of trying out different versions of Mary.

    Deliberately talking about my purpose in life (it’s so nice to talk about deep things with new, interested men!)

    Trying on different kinds of outfits with different kinds of men!

    Watching my sense of humor come and go and wondering why!

    Figuring out what makes me feel attracted.

    Expressing how I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.

    And yes, there will soon be some kissing (maybe tomorrow!!!!! with German man!!) And maybe I’ll have my own Fab Kisser or my own Mr. Masculine Man. (Will Island Man be a Fab Kisser? Next week… next week…)

    Anyway, right now I want to prolong this time of LOTS OF MEN, because it seems like an appropriate stepping stone. It’s a good thing for Mary right now. And the way I’m gonna preserve it is NOT to get too physical with ANYONE. For now. (Just sayin’. What’s good for Mary is not necessarily good for anyone else.)

    What I want now is to begin to understand exactly what kind of man would be a good fit for me. I want to picture myself with different men in their different environments.

    And trust that the right man will show up. And be able to appreciate him when he appears!

    The rest will hopefully take care of itself, because I’ll be having so much fun, with so many guys, and so little worry (sex) that it’ll drive the right man crazy and he’ll have to have me.

    At that point it won’t be because he has to have me to be sexually exclusive, which is what usually happens with most people. The focus won’t even be on that. That will just be icing on the cake.

    It’ll be because he:

    admires me.

    thinks I’m a lil angel.

    knows HE CAN TRUST ME.

    thinks my character is amazing.

    is mystified, mesmerized and fascinated by me.

    because I am a BREATH OF FRESH AIR for him.

    not like everyone else.

    not like anyone else.

    I am simply, purely, authentically Mary! (Thanks to all the men who have listened and admired and helped me find myself!)

    And that combination will just be so devastating that he’ll want to say I do before I do!

    Your thoughts?

  141.  #141mary on April 29, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    It’s really just everything that Rori talks about. It’s working for me.

  142.  #142Daria on April 29, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    KISMET – thats awesome girl!

    GUYSSSS i feel ecstatic!!!

    I went to wholefoods to get some more echinacea as i’ve started an echinacea regimen for myself.

    I WILL completely heal my urinary tract and whole body from this Strep B or whatever else thing.

    I jsut read a forum post taht it was or used to be mostly found in “inner city” popluations and that somehow goes with my intuition that this may not be something my body was used to before sand so is taking a long time to figure otu how to heal!

    i got you body!! never fear, DAria is here!!

    so ANYWAY i go to whole foods and im looking for Usnea which is a powerful antibiotic,

    to maybe get with my echinacea

    so i pick up this usnea uva ursi (wchih uva ursi is i think what irritated my kidney the other day, even tho it did hellp my bladder)

    and this spilanthes usnea extract

    and i held each and muscle tested, and the uva ursi muscle tested NO!!

    while the usnea spilanthes YES

    so i didnt want to spend funds out of my bank so i got the spilanthes usnea not the echinacea

    turns out this is THE BEST ! thing to have gotten looking at whats in it, and reading on each, they are ALL good

    PARTICULARLY for strep and PARTICULARLY for urinary!!

    whooo hoooo

    any herbologists check out the top google entry for spilanthes usnea compound – also has oil of oregano and pau d’arco


    wooo hooo

    i am becoming my own naturopath!

    woo hoo hooooo!!!!!!!

  143.  #143Daria on April 29, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    MAry you ROCK!!!

  144.  #144Daria on April 29, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    I am now getting MORE offers to live wiht men !


    more universe more! id like to live with one where i feel safe to develop my talents!!
    thank you!!!!

  145.  #145mary on April 29, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    there are so many romantic guys out there!

  146.  #146mary on April 29, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    Just curious,

    Lucy, did you buy “Why He Disappeared” by Evan Marc Katz?

  147.  #147Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:42 am

    yay ! i did my mini lymphatic workout (primary back stretch from t-tapp)

    and now took my tinctures echinacea supreme from gaia herbs + usnea, pau d’arco, oil of oregano, spilanthes(my newly researched friend) from herb pharm

    hey hey hey!

    i will do all that is healthy

    i feel suprised that i wasnt doing all that is healthy before

    i THOUGHT i was but i wasnt! I wasn’t really building m immunity

    oh yeah

    go to sleep

    but first i think ill skin brush


    shower hehe

  148.  #148Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:46 am

    feeling a lil dizzy!!!

  149.  #149Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Usnea’s usnic acid has shown effective anti-microbial activity against fungus, trichomonas protozoa, gram-positive bacteria (e.g., Staphylococcus, Streptococcus, and Pneumonococcus, including penicillin resistant strains), and tuberculosis bacillus. Usnic acid shows no antimicrobial activity against gram-negative bacteria (e.g., E. coli and Salmonella). Increases resistance against colds and flu.

    I intend to research gram positive and gram negative bacteria.

    I know cranberries and d-mannose work well with e-coli because they flush the e-coli out, however

    they (originally because now it came up nothing) said they had found strep group b so that woudl be a gram positive

  150.  #150Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:52 am

    “How Does Cranberry Juice Cure UTI?

    Increases Acidity of Urine: Because of the presence of citric acid in cranberries, they are acidic in nature. When eaten in the required amount, cranberries increase the acidity of the blood after digestion. This, in turn, raises the level of hippuric acid in urine, which finally results in increase in the acidity of urine. Bacteria, especially E.coli, need an alkaline environment for growth and development. They find it impossible to survive under acidic conditions. With the increase in the acidity of urine, bacteria present in the bladder are not able to stick to the walls of the bladder. Since the bacteria, that cause UTI, do not survive in the bladder, they are not able to cause the infection. This is one way cranberry prevents and cures urinary tract infections.

    Modifies Bacterial Cells: There is a compound present in cranberries that is highly dangerous for bacteria. This is called proanthocyanidins. It creates tendrils or fimbrae on the cell membranes of bacteria. This results in condensation of the bacterial cells. They lose a steady hold within their bodies. Finally, causing urinary tract infections becomes almost impossible for them. Proanthocyanidins also convert the bacterial cells from gram-negative to gram-positive ones. This is another way how cranberry juice and UTI are found to be related.

    Interrupts Communication Among Bacterial Cells: Bacterial cells communicate among themselves through a process called quorum sensing. They secrete a chemical known as indole that facilitates reception of cellular signals by cell membranes. Cranberry inhibits the secretion of indole, making it impossible for bacteria to cause an infection.

    Creates an Energy Barrier Between Bacteria and Urinary Tract: It is said that proanthocyanidins create an energy barrier between the bacterial cells and the urinary tract of your body. The actual reason is not yet known. This prohibits the bacteria from attaching to the walls of urinary tract. Again, due to this reason, the bacteria are not able to cause urinary tract infections.

    ok. So i have been drinking ONLY cranberry juice mixed with water for about 5 days now.

    I will continue to drink it hehe. so far it’s seemed to mildly help.

    “•Drink 3-4 glasses (9 oz) of cranberry juice on a daily basis. Do it for a couple of months so as to bring effective interruption of proanthocyanidins in bacterial communication.”

    ok. you got it. i will.

  151.  #151Daria on April 30, 2010 at 1:08 am

    OK YOU GUYS – its been about 20 min and i feel REALLY good and healthy.

    I was blessed to find that usnea compound… woowhooo.

    like i mean… i feel minty on the inside and im getting a good STRONG vibe from my body

  152.  #152mary on April 30, 2010 at 3:02 am

    oh mary, mary, mary crazy mary,

    maybe you do not want a man at all.

    maybe you just want to rest.

    and take a break.

    and not think about anything any more.

    it’s okay.

    you will be fine by yourself.

    you’ll be just fine.


    good night.

  153.  #153Rachel on April 30, 2010 at 5:13 am

    Last night, at a very crucial spot in our conversation about next weekend’s visit, my internet crashed. I could not get it back up and had no way to let my guy know. (I can’t call because he’s deployed) I felt horrible, but figured I’d explain this morning.

    I signed on this morning and there was NOTHING from him. Not a single word! I’m afraid that he thinks I was mad and signed out during the conversation. I wrote a simple explanation of what happened, but I feel really awful that he didn’t say anything…

    So in the whole “leaning back” thing, where do I go from here? Do I wait to hear from him now? Even though it was kinda my fault that our conversation ended so abruptly?

    This feels awkward right before our visit, but I’m trying to look at it as just a hiccup that will show me something about our relationship. Wow… it would have been nice for him to at least have written, “Hey… where did you go?”

  154.  #154dawn on April 30, 2010 at 7:01 am

    Daria, Im really happy you are feeling better. We do get what we desire !

  155.  #155Tallgirl10 on April 30, 2010 at 7:48 am


    I know the feeling. I have been texting with someone I dated for a short while who came back into my life.

    We went back and forth, and I am out of town. He texted saying we should “maybe go for a run sometime if I am up for it” and then went onto how he was going to have a super late night at work.

    I waited until after work the next night to respond because I took his telling me about the late night, as “I am unavailable to talk”.

    My responce at 5:00 pm yesterday was that I hoped all went smoothly for his late night, and that I thought running together would be fun. I know I waited for a while, but it was still the next day, and he never really asked me a question.

    Then – nothing, nada. I feel super frustrated and confused. I feel angry and rejected.

  156.  #156EarthDancer on April 30, 2010 at 8:04 am

    Mary, oh Mary: you Wise Siren! I can feel your rockstar Siren-ness so I feel certain MEN can, too! Yay! for you…

    I feel “yes, that’s it, she’s right on” when I read your posts – I am not there yet, but I will be 🙂

    Daria: the #1 cause of yeast and good bacteria/bad bacteria imbalance in the body is SUGAR. It is POISON except in small amounts – for flavor it is OK (natural, pure cane sugar) in moderation …but most of our foods are loaded with it- and ALL ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS age and tear down the body’s natural defenses…these additives are NOT Siren-ny at all! I feel so passionate about our beautiful bodies and how we pollute them so badly by the foods we eat 🙁

    If you start by eliminating excess sugar from your body (starting with soft drinks if you drink them) you will be AMAZED how your body will respond. The homeopathic remedies will also help to restore your body to Balance 🙂 xoxo to you…

  157.  #157EarthDancer on April 30, 2010 at 8:06 am

    I should clarify that yeast feed on sugar … just like they do when wine is fermenting …!!

  158.  #158Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 8:14 am

    Daria and Siena, RE: #110-111 – Thank you so much for your birthday feedback!!! All of you sirens are helping me 100X more than my counselor! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel like I have grown so much this week!

    I think this will be really good, because I happen to know from last year his birthday DOES mean a lot to him. We were very close at that time last year, and I spent hours writing him a personalized poem using the letters of his full name, and each line was alliteration, like a sentence of mostly R words, etc. He really loved it and commented on it a number of times that day and following! Plus I took him out to eat and gave him a heart-gift. He didn’t want any cake, so I didn’t sing him happy birthday. While we were together, I asked him what his parents were doing for his birthday. He said they are in the thick of selling their house so they will do something for me in June. I sensed he felt really disappointed that they weren’t making a big deal of his birthday ON his birthday.

    At the end of the night, he asked me if I’d sing happy birthday to him. We lay in bed cuddling while I sang it real softly to him, face-to-face. **Sighs** Yeah, I wish I had that back. But I will read Rori’s eletter for today and keep leaning back.

    The more I think about it, the more I see how not contacting him on his birthday is a better way to go.

  159.  #159Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Daria, RE: #118-119 – On eye contact

    I totally relate about eye contact. I grew up with a lot of yelling, and I’m extra sensitive. The main time my parents made eye contact with me was when they were yelling at me. I wasn’t consciously aware until my teens that when someone made eye contact with me, anyone, my field of vision would go black, and I would avoid it as much as possible.

    Here I am at age 46, and that still happens if I don’t consciously work on it. Ryan helped me tremendously with that, because he would fix his glorious gaze on me for 5-20 minutes at a time, not saying a word! I FELT loved and accepted, so I worked with him til I could steadily return his gaze. Whew, it was the most beautiful sight in the world, his liquid eyes!

    Nevertheless, if it’s someone I don’t know, it remains a challenge. It’s based in insecurity, and I fear rejection.

    The most intelligent person I ever met was a U.S. attorney. He drilled holes through me with his eyes, and he contacted my emotions and mind in a nonverbal way no one ever has before. He was not the least bit shy about it, and I have sought to emulate that ever since! I believe as children, we are taught staring is rude, so we look away. But our eyes give us much valuable information about another person. It is worth the discomfort to push thru that barrier! I keep practicing, and it becomes more and more second nature.

  160.  #160Justin on April 30, 2010 at 8:42 am

    I’ve thought a lot about what tinque posted in the last thread about aliases and fear. Totally right. So, hi, my name is Justin, and I’m a recovering imaginary relationship addict…

    And I did ask him if he’s been reading these boards. He said no (which will probably prompt him to start reading), but I did ask him to please respect my privacy and boundaries.

    I can so related to Amy. Last year I was involved with a man I knew from 20 years ago. We fooled around a few times back in the day, and reconnected via email and phone. It was TORRID. We were both convinced we’d found our soulmates. We talked marriage, we talked relocation (he lived across the country). of course, we exchanged photos, and went on and on about how gorgeous the other was. It was all so exciting and excruciating and tortured and delicious. It went on for about 2 months before I finally went to see him. Long story short, the second I stepped off the plane, we both looked at each other and sort of went, “Meh.” Seriously. No chemistry. At all. It was a real eye-opener.

    kismet, I feel for you. I’ve been in your situation, at about your age. I went to a trusted older woman, someone who I really respected. She was solid, spiritual, with a wonderful marriage and three beautiful children. She shared with me that prior to her marriage, she’d terminated three unplanned pregnancies. She helped me to understand that there are no right or wrong answers. Just what’s right for you. I echo the urgings to seek professional counsel and weigh your options. Much love to you.

    I feel blah today. With lots of posts to slog through! 🙂

  161.  #161Linda on April 30, 2010 at 9:37 am

    The world is full of men that we could get attached to, like, love… be really hung up on.

    The world is full of men that we could take care of, invest our engery in.

    The world is full of men that would let us, take everything we offer and not suffer a second thought about it.

    I want to be the that one in the world that invests in me so that everything else can flow in right order.

    I cooked dinner with a male friend last night. We cooked dinner at his place. He seemed perturbed with me when I walked in. The tone between us was tense and he set it. I instantly felt bumbly and inadequate. I felt nervous inside and like nothing I would do would be right. I just shut protectively down. I felt like I was a little girl again and was being silently punished for something I had no idea about. I felt uncomfortable and unconfident and insecure and like I wanted to run away. I stood there in silence, working at the food when he said, “you dont seem as ease and unconfident this evening… “what is the matter”? “am being intimidating “?

    Instead of being quiet and saying no… like I used to… I spoke right up… looked him in the eye and said “YES, you are being intimidating”… I feel like I did something wrong even before I walked in the door”…. I held my breath for the backlash.. instead, he said…. ” I am sorry, I am not in the best of moods”… and instantly softened

    I had a little victory for me… inside, I spoke up and told him how I felt. No one was going to speak up for me but me. I did not like feeling like that. …… Interesting to me that his mood caused me to react inside like I did. I learned something very important about me last night and staying focused on how I was feeling and responding to it instead of the natural interal recoil and reaction to the mood, was a great victory for me.

    Practice makes perfect.


  162.  #162Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Hi Linda!

    Congratulations! That is so healthy how you stayed in touch with your feelings and made him aware. Next time, you could try, “I feel intimidated.” Some men feel attacked or threatened when we start a sentence with, “You…”

    I had a moment like that this morning with my exhusband, too. We remain friends, and he calls me almost every day. We’ve been in an argument for several weeks now, and he just won’t let it go, while attaching all sorts of paranoid thots to it that just aren’t true.

    Here’s how I practiced leaning back…I knew he was going to call at 8 am. I can flex my time when I go to work, so I intentionally remained in bed asleep. Then when I picked up the phone, I was automatically leaning back, cuz my sleepiness came thru on the phone! Instead of leaping right back into the argument, as he’s been doing, he said, “Man, I wish I could just cuddle with you right now. You sound so cuddly!” This little siren was giggling silently. I leaned back just by being sleepy!

  163.  #163Tara on April 30, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Re: #136 — YES YES YES!!! Me, too!

    Re: general discussion about Evan Mark Katz and his new book, “Why He Disappeared”:

    EMK triggers me. I’ve read a few of his blogs and get his e-letter, but he makes me uncomfortable. Male dating coaches bug me because I feel like they’re trying to get us to do what’s most comfortable, easy, and exciting for the MEN, although it often comes packaged in the guise of female empowerment. It feels like reading “Cosmo” : the focus is on him, him, him, but the mixed message is that it’s supposed to be all about me, me, me. Wtf? That confuses me.

    I like Rori’s approach better because it really IS all about ME and gives me potent Tools to be authentic and express how I really feel in a way that helps the man understand and hear me. It’s not about how to be witty or clever or “fun” (whatever that means to a single man).

    So — why DID he disappear? Part A is why did he *leave*: it wasn’t “fun” anymore or he found somebody who was hotter or more “fun” or easier to be with.
    Part B is why did he *disappear*: It’s a lot easier to vanish than to hold a breakup talk. Men do, as has been previously noted, what feels good to them and what works for them.

    My book would be called, “Why He Disappeared and Who-The-Hell-Cares: Stay On the Bridge, Dammit!”

  164.  #164Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Lucy, RE: #121 – “Afterall, isn’t raising his interest in an amazing woman by leaning back an AMAZING BIRTHDAY GIFT?”

    Beautiful! You all are so quotable! We could generate a beautiful book out of excerpts from this blog!!

  165.  #165Tara on April 30, 2010 at 10:08 am

    One more thing about EMK: If his new book is anything like his blog, I suspect the answer is, “He disappeared because YOU made a mistake and screwed it up by doing A, B, and C and NOT doing X, Y, and Z.”

    Why do we women have to be responsible for doing everything right in the relationship so the man will want us?

    I like it a lot better when the men have to work hard to prove they can fit into MY ideal version of my life.

    S texted me a whole lot yesterday. I didn’t ask when he could make time to see me. I didn’t invite him to call. I didn’t even give him any love, hugs, or kisses. Instead, I thought about a power speech and came up with this part:

    I don’t want an imaginary relationship. I just don’t feel comfortable initiating texts, chasing you down for coffee dates, or being the first to express love or affection. In fact, S, I don’t feel happy about being in a relationship with you while you’re still living with, probably sleeping with, and legally tied to, another woman.

    Sirens, did I miss any componenents? Is there any other part that needs to go in there?

  166.  #166Justin on April 30, 2010 at 10:15 am


    I like those a lot. I don’t know if you would voice these things, maybe just to yourself, but what about… I feel frustrated with myself for being involved with someone who is unavailable. I feel sad that I would make a space in my life for a relationship that doesn’t meet all of my needs. I feel sad for and connected to the other woman in your life who probably feels just as confused as I do.”

    Just saying, ’cause I’m right there with you, girlie.

  167.  #167Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Tara – I love this – “Why He Disappeared and Who-The-Hell-Cares: Stay On the Bridge, Dammit!” – and I think the problem for us about male dating coaches is that they aren’t women – and they just can’t “get” the inner workings of how to DO what they SEE. And so we naturally feel offended. And some are pretty “edgy” about it (Evan has a wicked sense of humor, along with his really great guy-ness – his own marriage and how he got there is testimony for what he’s talking about…) In other words, they’re able to articulate the psychological things, and even the vast similarities between men and women around self-esteem and even romance – AND they’re able to give us what a great relationship FEELS like to them – and so…what a WOMAN in that great relationship LOOKS and FEELS like to them…but other than the description part of this, they can’t tell us HOW to do it. It’s like a male doctor trying to explain getting your period, or giving birth to a woman. He may be an expert – but he just can’t get to where we are. No way. And so it feels offensive.

    However – what EMK and Christian Carter can do for us that’s INVALUABLE is…yes…make us uncomfortable. In other words, they’re expressing true male frustration. If a woman I interview says those things, it might not sound as harsh – because WE are SO way harsher on ourselves. But if a MAN says it – he’s like from outer space and ridiculous. So – what I like to do is really listen to what a man says, and try to find what it is that he SEES, and SENSES – and KNOWS, because not only is HE a man, but he KNOWS men, he has friends, he does research with men and gets THEM. And then, I like to see how I’m triggered. How I want to react to what he says. And then, that’s my clue. That’s where I’m resisting something.

    All ANYONE’S ever talking about here, when they talk about love, is how to open your heart. If you open your heart wide to someone or some thing, you fall in love. You just do. Hormones get activated, muscles relax, sexual feelings come in…it’s sort of magical. So…the nuts-and-bolts of how to open your heart – and therefore trigger HIM to open HIS heart are kind of both generally observable – and gender-specific in the how-to. In my search for a physical therapist who could COMMUNICATE to me what I need to be doing internally, and what I need to be aware of happening internally in order to make an exercise work – I had to find a woman who could feel what I feel, and who could look at me and my body and just “get” what’s going on with me. I found that person, and it made all the difference. And at the same time, I got some great bits of wisdom from some male PTs who focused me in the right direction and didn’t “baby” me.

    So – for me, what anyone says who can tell me exactly what they see and experience and back it up with data and LOTS of experience and a PERSONAL story that rings true – I want to hear that person and see how I react to them. We don’t only want to hear people who are “preaching to the choir” – we want to get shaken up, too…that’s how we get stronger. Wherever you can find some truth…go for it, I say.

    The question here is always – what makes you “hot” – what makes you “fun” – what is the perception here of a man – and what does that really have to do with US! Love, Rori

  168.  #168Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Linda – BRAVA to you for the total bravery of your baby-step (actually a HUGE step) – !

  169.  #169Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Simply Shannon, RE: #131 – Thank you very much for your feedback. I feel amazed that you sirens are not only accepting me, but affirming me, after I just shared the skeletons in my closet.

    I never looked at it that way, and it really helps. I will meditate on those feelings of pride and empowerment.

    As for getting past guilt, when I did those things, I just shut the door and locked it on the inner shame-maker and just embraced my inner vixen. I got buzzed, like 3 or 4 wine coolers was about all it took for me to feel more relaxed, and then I just focused on allowing myself to treasure pleasure.

    One night at the sex club, I stood there out in the open joking around with two men and allowed them to pull down my top. One sucked one nipple while the other sucked the other nipple. I felt quite sensual and shameless at that moment!

    The sex clubs and all the risque things they do there helped me get past my inhibitions. I can go from goody-two-shoes to molten hot vixen in 2 seconds.

    I dunno, maybe loosening up sexually IS a rite of passage. Parts of it helped me. But I felt used and cheap more often than not. I learned to say no, that’s for sure.

    Ryan was such a 180 degree contrast. He was the first man who never tried to grope me. I found it pleasantly ironic that I was the one breathing heavily as I fought to not grope HIM as he lay there so hot in my bed as we had pillow talk! LOL! His body was perfect! Hehe!

    I think my overall summary of what I want to express by sharing my past is that soul intimacy is FAR more fulfilling than sexual intimacy. When you put the two together? Whew! It is heaven on earth, for real!

    One of my favorite moments in life was when I was cuddling with Ryan. My back was to him in bed and he wrapped his body around me, resting his cheek on mine. He said, “You know what my favorite scent in the world is? The scent of a woman.”
    I had just taken a shower, and I felt so utterly loved and secure at that moment. It was far more fulfilling than my best sex ever! 🙂

  170.  #170EarthDancer on April 30, 2010 at 10:43 am

    #164 Tara:

    I LOVE your words , smiley feelin’ good i can relate haha laughing … you are SSOOOO Siren-y! A good role model thanks

  171.  #171Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Simply Shannon, RE: #136 – More about enjoying sex vs. feeling guilty over sex…

    Since Jennifer freely commented on paganism in #137, I will take the liberty of freely commenting on Christianity here. At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, I have been a Christian since I was 4. During the 5 years I described above, I consider myself to have been largely backslidden. I am not perfect – just forgiven.

    Sure, I struggle with sexual desires now. I haven’t had sex in a long time. Ryan and I held off, favoring to get to know each other’s hearts.

    I found during that 5 years of doing whatever felt good that I felt further and further from God, whereas I used to feel intimate. Sin separates us from God. I was feeling more and more alienated by people as I saw how shallow free sex was. I was missing my intimacy with God, whose unfailing love was far more reliable than the love of any man.

    I found a good church and started going to every meeting I could. I cried thru praise & worship a lot as I made my heart right with God. Thru that, I got back my intimacy with God, and I never want to lose it again. My intimacy with Him is far more meaningful than any feeling I have ever had on earth with ANY man (even Ryan!).

    Simply Shannon, there is more I would like to say to you, but I don’t feel it is appropriate for here. If you would like, I would like to email you. You could post a craigslist ad and let me email you, then you would stay anonymous to everyone else. Just if you feel okay about that or if you want to. Basically, I have come full circle, and I do mean “cum”!

  172.  #172Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 10:50 am

    If I sound self-contradictory, it is because I am complex. I like my seeming self-contradiction! I like my complexity!

  173.  #173dawn on April 30, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Its taken me a long time to get where I am. All the past events have made me who i am today. That 20 llb rock that had taken residence in my gut is now gone.My shoulders and neck dont ache and keep me up at night with that tight feeling. I feel natural and calm. I think Ive got it. It really is ALL about you. Its finding and loving yourself, its finding the man with the same core values, there is just less struggle that way. Its taking the time to appreciate every day we have . Its accepting that we arent perfect and loving ourselves regardless. Its wanting and accepting love in its purest form . Its embracing the bad , and celebrating the good. Its respecting others boundries and standing by your own. Its knowing that the universe could not survive withouy you. Its loving your body. The tightness is gone and my shoulders feel soft. i feel better than I have in 20 yrs. Although Im sure and hoping my journey isnt over im not afraid of the destination anymore. Im not scared to go where my heart may lead me. I dont feel the need to push away . I feel comfortable in my own skin. There is no need to analise because it just is what it is. I feel relaxed. I feel no expectations and ready for the next adventure. The Person who I really should be thanking is Erika Awakening. Rori was right. I had to let myself go. Thats not my usual way. I would hold onto anger like some badge of honor. Now I feel no power in anger. Now its a waste of my precious time. I feel relieved and grateful. im feel sad for the drama but much good has come out of it. Im OK and feeling good and for today thats just simply enough !!

  174.  #174Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 11:02 am

    #138 – Lucy said, “A large part of it has to do with truly loving yourself. And recognizing that love is what it’s ALL about — all of life is about love. LOVE, not rules.”

    Right on! When we are naked and asleep, and when a man is inside us, we are most vulnerable. I agree, God wants to protect us.

    For example, I heard on the news yesterday that two WOMEN date-robbed a man in Florida! They have targeted men with expensive watches and there have been 10 crimes like this in 6 weeks. They drug him in his drink, take him home, and in this case, they robbed him of all his jewelry, his watch, his credit card, and $10,000.

    And I’ve already discussed the vulnerability I was fortunate to escape unaffected by either STDs or pregnancy. When I wondered if I was pregnant, my whole life flashed before my eyes. A moment of pleasure for a man could have totally altered my future.

    This may be controversial, but take it as you will: another thing that is documented and true is if one person has demons, they can transfer thru sex. Do I want to go into personal detail? No, I don’t feel comfortable. But I have personally been attacked thru this, and I do know what I’m talking about. I believe the spiritual realm is real, both good AND evil.

    I choose to love myself by protecting myself from the things that exposed me to excessive danger in the past.

  175.  #175Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Dawn, RE: #174 – You said, “I think Ive got it. It really is ALL about you. Its finding and loving yourself, its finding the man with the same core values, there is just less struggle that way. Its taking the time to appreciate every day we have . Its accepting that we arent perfect and loving ourselves regardless. Its wanting and accepting love in its purest form . Its embracing the bad , and celebrating the good. Its respecting others boundries and standing by your own. Its knowing that the universe could not survive withouy you. Its loving your body.”


  176.  #176dawn on April 30, 2010 at 11:10 am

    One more thing im finding the less you think about a relationship and any specific man ,no expectations , relax and just let it go it comes to you with the least amount of effort. I guess im just accepting good energy now . Im not gonna waste too much time wondering about it when i can be out there enjoying it !!

  177.  #177Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Daria, RE: #150 – My dog has chronic yeast infections in her ear. Do you know if usnic is safe for ears?

  178.  #178Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Dawn — Love it! My journey and awakening have been very similar. <3

  179.  #179Siena on April 30, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Dawn #177!! Yes!!! That’s where I get hung up – wanting a specific man to help me feel a certain way. But that doesn’t feel good. That feels stuck! It’s the good feelings that I want to feel, not necessarily from a specific man.

    And if there are qualities about a specific man that make me feel good, well… then… I’m learning to focus on desiring those QUALITIES, not the man himself.

    And the Universe (God) always gives us what we ask for.

    This has been key for me. My problem has been not asking for ENOUGH, so I still feel like I want more.

    Last night, I wrote down my Desire list. All the things I could possibly think of desiring to feel. And now I’m just feeling excited, waiting to see how it shows up… and what he looks like (heehee)

  180.  #180Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Brenda — the women robbing men incident you described was also on a recent episode of “Psych.” 🙂 I’m guessing it happens a lot, but men probably don’t report it cuz it would feel too humiliating. Plus, they probably don’t want their wives to know about their liasons.

  181.  #181Justin on April 30, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Siena, re: your Desire list. Do you write down things you DON’T want too? Or is that negative energy, so you turn it around?

    For example: I don’t want a man who makes disparaging comments about ethnicity, race, social status, etc.

  182.  #182Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Oh, speaking about liasons and wives, here is a refreshingly-clean joke for you…

    A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife ”Honey, there’s a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife”. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

    His son is in the kitchen and as he’s eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about.

    Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she’s trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said ”get off me lady, I’m married”.

  183.  #183Siena on April 30, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Justin (I feel adamant about this, so am going to write in my boy energy) NO! That’s focusing on the lack of something, and you get what you ask for and put emotion behind.

    I read somewhere that God (Universe) doesn’t pay attention to the negative word (not, don’t, less,) etc.

    So your statement, “I don’t want a man who makes disparaging comments about ethnicity, race, social status, etc.”

    is turned around to

    “I want a man who makes disparaging comments about ethnicity, race, social status, etc.”

    YUCK! That’s not what you want! So I would turn it around to

    ” I want to feel fully accepted and loved for my heritage. I want to feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. I want him to gaze into my slanty eyes and think that he’s found a goddess.”

    (I realize that slanty eyes might offend some people. But I actually do have slanty eyes, so I was describing my own.)

  184.  #184Tara on April 30, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Thank you for that wonderful post (#168)! It gave me a new way to look at what the male dating coaches are saying and why it triggers me, plus the insight of how relationships look from their point-of-view.

    So, I’m resisting something. Maybe I’m resisting opening up to love.

    I’ve dated a lot of men in the past that saw themselves as “the prize” and expected me to change myself to be what they wanted. Most recently, there was S, the married crumb-thrower. I do feel cynical and not very open right now, and I feel very triggered and angry by the idea that the man is the prize and we have to be easy, comfortable, hot, sexy, and fun to get the prize.

    But, if I flip it around, would I want to be with a guy who’s boring, insecure, constantly scrutinizing everything I do for evidence that I don’t love him as much as I did five minutes earlier, or who doesn’t turn me on physically? Probably not.

    And, if I’m a Goddess or Siren, isn’t part of that FEELING like I’m sexy, unstoppable, gorgeous, and dripping with yummy, charismatic energy? YES! I love feeling like that, just for ME. And when I feel like that while I’m with a man, it’s intoxicating.

    I do believe that, as women, we are expected to cut men a lot of slack where appearance is concerned. We, on the other hand, are supposed to look like 23-year-old swimsuit models — forever — because men are visual creatures and want eye candy.

    Do they really? This triggers me and makes me angry.

    I also resist the idea that the burden is on me as a woman to bust my brains learning exactly how to do what feels good to the man so he’ll want to be with me. It feels like the behaviors are performative, not authentic; the men are falling for the authored lines, the clever repartee, the sexy clothes, not ME as a person. ME: the weird, intellectual, esoteric, passionate, cerebral, pagan, sometimes eccentric, fiery person that I am — not a constructed persona.

    But, if I flip it around, those male dating coaches are giving us a reality check. As an actress, I may have my own idea about how my character looks and sounds to my audience, but what really matters is how the audience perceives it. Even if I don’t like it, the men we date are the audience. Like theater patrons, they won’t come back if they’re bored, repulsed, or they don’t enjoy the experience.

    Neither would we. We’re always projecting — or radiating — something. Maybe it helps to see it from their point-of-view.

    I still haven’t figured out why he triggers me so much, though.

  185.  #185Justin on April 30, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Siena, I hear you. Thank you for the coaching.

    And you have beautiful almond-shaped eyes! 🙂

  186.  #186Siena on April 30, 2010 at 11:33 am

    hee hee – “almond-shaped” feels so much more feminine than “slanty”. Thanks Justin! 😀

  187.  #187dawn on April 30, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Lucy, It is the most awesome yet natural feeling. It just is. No wonder no one can really describe it. Its euphoric but peaceful and the two melt together as if they are one, asif its always been that way.I cant even really imagine or quite frankly remember the bad stuff, its the best.

  188.  #188Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Tara, RE: You said, “I also resist the idea that the burden is on me as a woman to bust my brains learning exactly how to do what feels good to the man so he’ll want to be with me. It feels like the behaviors are performative, not authentic; the men are falling for the authored lines, the clever repartee, the sexy clothes, not ME as a person. ME: the weird, intellectual, esoteric, passionate, cerebral, pagan, sometimes eccentric, fiery person that I am — not a constructed persona.”

    Here’s how I feel abou the performative, clever authored lines: What I’ve been doing HAS NOT worked. I want better, more positive relationships. What Rori says DOES work. So I am humbling myself to make myself her disciple, if you will, UNTIL I have a handle on a new relational style…THEN I will personalize it.

    I grew up really only knowing how to relate to dogs. The world of people was scary to me. I wrote a letter to my first boyfriend that read like this:


    I filled up a whole page like that. It is how I’ve felt ever since. If I told you sirens all the things I did to mess up my relationship with Ryan, you might say, “ooooh, no WONDER he is distancing himself!” I have made relational mistakes that Rori never even dreamed of!!

    I realize most people are not as socially delayed as me. Nevertheless, I look at it as fine-tuning my skills. SOOOO many times I’ve sat on a date wondering, “What should I say??” Rori gives us those tools. Another friend, Daryl, called me last night. We’ve been acquainted for about 20 years, and I am strictly interested in him as a friend. Nevertheless, I enjoy his friendship, and it feels good to have a friend right now. He was obviously unsure of himself on the phone in a moment of silence, and I felt so WELL-EQUIPPED, ready with my Rori toolbox!! So I said, “I feel so relaxed right now, laying in the grass. My dog is next to me, and her fur is so soft. I like to touch it.” I was just leaning back and feeling! I could tell by the end of the convo he was feeling more at ease, and he said, “It’s good to have a friend.” I said, “Yeah, it’s good to have a friend, thanks!” THANK YOU RORI!!!

  189.  #189dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Siena, The universe cant pick between dont or want in a statement. It recognises I dont want as i want, even if you believe you dont want it . Always, I want, I desire etc… best way to adress the universe.

  190.  #190Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Siren sisters, how, oh how, can I stop relating to food as love? I feel so stuffed, and I feel my fat is my prison, holding me back from flying out of my cage.

  191.  #191Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    “The universe cant pick between dont or want in a statement” —

    That sounds arbitrary, but there is a reason for it, and the reason, imo, is crucial to understand:

    When we make a don’t want statement in prayer, we are usually making it because on some level, unconsciously, we DO want that thing (either because we think it’s what we deserve, to punish ourselves, because it’s familiar, etc.),


    God/the universe is listening to our HEART and MIND, not the words.

    We need to align our hearts and minds with what we are asking for. Which means we need to heal the underlying false beliefs and wounds.

  192.  #192Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Brenda — I have had great success with that issue. The key is to FEEL your feelings whenever they arise, instead of sedating them with food.

  193.  #193dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Sory, that shoulda been Justin. SIENA, Most of all the work that ive done here has been strictly for myself. If I had a specific man in mind I would have been severely disappointed. When you are TOTALLY about you with no expectations and no limitations everything shifts. Vibe, essence, the whole of you will attract exactly what you need or desire. I kid you not ! But it does come from within you. I held on to this because it felt good . That feeling has yet to let me down.

  194.  #194Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    When you feel like you want to gorge yourself, or even just eat that brownie you know is not good for you…


    Ask yourself, “What uncomfortable feeling am I trying to avoid?”

    Feel the feeling fully, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Boredom, pain, sadness, anger, grief, fear, whatever. It will probably shift from one feeling to another as you sink into it.

    BREATHE while you are feeling it. If you find yourself holding your breath, it is your way of resisting feeling more. Keep breathing. Keep feeling.

    Notice the stories that arise, but do not think about them or judge them. Just feel.

    Comfort yourself as you would a child, with soft, kind words, maybe even rock yourself, tell you little child that you love her and are there for her.

  195.  #195Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:18 pm


    thanks – I feel a lil mad reading that (hmmm… trigger?)

    I am not eating ANY sugar. That means even no sugary fruit.

    I’m not really ever drinking soda, except on the rare occasions, like as a desert (but certainly not now)

  196.  #196dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Lucy, You are sooo right. I tried to explain it yesterday . I said body mind and sole have to be on the same page and not to think about what you desire because our mind likes to talk us out of it because we may not really feel deserving.

  197.  #197Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Also I’m not having yeast.

    And i don’t eat processed foods.

    I feel so surprised to find myself feeling angry? whoa???

  198.  #198Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Thank you, Lucy!!! That is totally helpful! I copied it and will put it on my refrigerator!!!

    Siena, I don’t understand why it felt ewww when the man said, “I feel inspired.” I feel thrilled every time a man I’m with makes a feeling statement! I mean, men have feminine energy, just like we have masculine energy. I feel more connected the more he gets in touch with his feelings. I love it when a man is sensitive, emotional, and wears pink!! I most admire a man in his manliness when he cries. I don’t want him to feel pain, but I love his emotions.

  199.  #199Simply Shannon on April 30, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Lucy, I feel happy and special. Tears in my eyes. Thank you for writing all of that to me! I feel grateful. I need to process this a bit. I do feel a lot of shame in my normal every day life (i.e. not just sex). About my finances, about not being the kind of mom I think I “should” be, about my body, about being divorced. I could go on and on.

    This is what I need to work on. I see that now. I don’t want to feel ashamed. Just writing this feels good. Noticing it makes it real and something I can deal with, rather than run from.

    Here’s an example. I had to ask my parents for money this week to help me settle some credit card debt. I don’t have the funds at the moment to pay them. And yes, I’m working on manifesting that money but I need their commitment of the money as a back up plan. 😉 I felt humiliated and embarrassed asking. And then my mother made a comment about some shopping bags in my car. HUMILIATION! I wanted to run and hide. But before I did that, I managed to say “I feel pissed off hearing that”. And then I walked off. So small baby steps. I still walked off instead of holding my ground but it was something. She did come to me later and apologize. And they are going to help me with the money. Yeah!

  200.  #200Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Hi Daria! Hey, wanna take out your anger on me? C’mon, c’mon, girl! Let’s have a fist fight! Let’s vent some of that boy energy! LOL!

  201.  #201dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    After the desire is put out to the universe a daily thanking the universe for it even before it arrives ensures guaranteed success !! This is the one thing that is crucial to manifesting anything being ,thankful and grateful.

  202.  #202Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    TARA – what a great speech! yes!!! I would add I feel a lil angry (because it sounds a lil angry, and I would be feeling that way)

  203.  #203Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    oh that feels so weird. it feels good to talk to you. i feel confused why you would think that.

    k just practicing for men who are like why havent you talked to me

  204.  #204Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Brenda lol!!!

    POW!! pow pow!

  205.  #205Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Ps – anger is girl energy!

  206.  #206Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Simply Shannon,

    I can totally relate about shame over finances. When I went bankrupt in the 90s, my bankruptcy attorney heard me expressing my shame. She said, “Did you intentionally get behind on your payments?”
    “No, I just didn’t have the money. I was unemployed, etc.”
    “So why are you ashamed? If you had the money right now, would you pay them?”
    “Yes, absolutely!”
    “You have no reason to be ashamed. You are doing your best. The reason for bankruptcy is so people can get a fresh start. So let yourself feel joyful that you are doing your best and you get a fresh start!”

    I still struggle with it, but I feel much more at ease. I wish and pray prosperity to you! I am happy for you that your family is helping!

  207.  #207Daria on April 30, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    FEELING anger and expressing it is girl energy i meant

  208.  #208dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Shannon, but you have already manifested the money they are going to help you. Now you just gotta get yourself to where you are worth more and you will get more !

  209.  #209Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Daria, Pow! Grrrrrr! Grrrrroowwwwwelllll! Slam!

    Girl Power, yeah! I feel angry that I can’t be outside enjoying the warm sun right now! Mean Bren!

  210.  #210Simply Shannon on April 30, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    And Lucy, thank you again for the post about stuffing our feelings with food. I KNOW I’ve been doing that this past week. I’ve done that for much of my life and stopped for awhile but this week I really noticed I was doing it. I’m hoping that now that I’m noticing it I’ll be able to stop myself. The trick is realizing that I’m doing it. I can’t “stop” if I don’t even notice.

    So thank you again! Shannon

  211.  #211dawn on April 30, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Never be ashamed about your relationship with money. Its a necessity like everything else. We put way too much on the lack of it. I can see a six figure bank account for myself. Im worth every penny. I cann see all those zeros clearly on my bank statement. I never put it in my mind that my mailbox is full of bills and i never ever say i cant afford something. I simply make a different choice. Im just as happy and grateful for the 5 $ in my pocket as i am the sixfigures i see in my bank account. It took me a while to get it but its well worth the effort.

  212.  #212Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I count my wealth in relationships, not money!

  213.  #213Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Daria, I feel playful!

  214.  #214Justin on April 30, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    I feel confused and unmotivated today. I feel aimless. I feel angry. I feel ignored. I feel frustrated. I feel hopeful.

    The Man (thank you, Siena, for the pronoun shift) asked me last week if I would help him find a place to live. I felt unsure of what to do. In the past, when he’s said he’s ready to move out of the house he shares with his wife, I’ve jumped into it wholeheartedly, searching the internet, driving by places, setting up appointments… the whole time feeling SO HAPPY that he was finally moving forward, yet SO ANGRY that I was doing most of the work. I want to help, be part of the process, be part of a team; but holy crap… it’s HIS deal. Everything would fall apart, I would push, he would retreat, and the issue would die for a few weeks. Over and over. And somehow, I always felt at fault.

    Now I’m right back in that place. He has a call into a realtor to look at a house that is perfect, but there’s already an applicant. I feel anxious and scared that he won’t get it, and he/we will have to keep looking. I question all the time whether or not I should be involved at all. I feel scared to back away from the situation. It feels scary, I feel guilty, like I’m abandoning him.

    I feel such turmoil over this man. I feel sad. Leaning back is driving him CRAZY. Wednesday, he called to break a date. He said he felt bad about everything, he’s scared, he doesn’t know where my head is at. I said okay. He said okay? I said I’m trying not to push. In the past, I would’ve tried to coerce you into coming over. But if you feel bad, you feel bad. He said you’re supposed to try to talk me into it. It feels encouraging.

    Ugh. I feel so confused. I have a weekend without him, without kids. I will make a Desire list and be nice to myself.

  215.  #215Simply Shannon on April 30, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    “He said you’re supposed to try to talk me into it. It feels encouraging.”

    Using Sienna’s “I feel” formula:
    Me: I feel confused.
    Him: Why?
    Me: I don’t want to encourage anyone to be with me. Either they want to or they don’t. What do you think?

    My feeling reading that comment: EWWW!!! I feel turned off. Encouraging feels like begging and that ain’t happenin’ babe.

  216.  #216mary on April 30, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Okay, I just got home from a coffee date with a guy who is a widower. And I am twice divorced. So: questions. I beat him to it and thought through everything last night.

    I wanted it to be an airy and light meeting, and I was in that mood when I arrived. Lookin’ great! And I had time to go through car wash on the way. When the questions came, I was prepared. I told him all the things I wanted to say. And he asked questions about those things. I answered, with soul-searching feeling statements, and he probed deeper. I answered.

    MISTAKE. I should have said something like, “Hmm… not sure! I’ve said a lot here and it feels a little like I’m on stage. Time for you now! I’d love to know what you’re thinking…”

  217.  #217Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Justin– One of my CD guys is in a similar position, trying to find a place to move out of the home he shares with his wife. I just leave the whole thing up to him. Completely. It’s his issue, not mine to fix.

  218.  #218tinque on April 30, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Nope Mary – It went just as it was supposed to.

  219.  #219Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    And it’s funny — I feel like I’ve been almost cruel to him with my uninvolvement in his dilemmas, but he continually tells me how he feels so grateful for everything I’ve done for him. But I’ve done NOTHING. Lol. I have literally done nothing but listen and share my feelings. He talks to his counselor about me all the time and his counselor apparently tells him that I am really good for him and doing eactly what is best for him! This guy says that I have helped him more than anyone else in his situation. And I have done NOTHING.

  220.  #220Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Shannon, I feel so warm and fuzzy and happy that you appreciated what I wrote last night. <3

  221.  #221Siena on April 30, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    “And I have done NOTHING.”

    Except BE a woman! It’s the BEING not the DOING that men need!

  222.  #222Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Agreed, Siena! That’s why the “making lasagna” statement in Evan’s email triggered me a bit. 🙂 Haha.

  223.  #223Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    I need to pee but I can’t pull myself away from this blog!!!!

  224.  #224Brenda on April 30, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    I need to do my job but I can’t pull myself away from this blog!!!!

  225.  #225Dan_Brodribb on April 30, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    @ Tara
    “I also resist the idea that the burden is on me as a woman to bust my brains learning exactly how to do what feels good to the man so he’ll want to be with me. It feels like the behaviors are performative, not authentic; the men are falling for the authored lines, the clever repartee, the sexy clothes, not ME as a person. ME: the weird, intellectual, esoteric, passionate, cerebral, pagan, sometimes eccentric, fiery person that I am — not a constructed persona.

    But, if I flip it around, those male dating coaches are giving us a reality check. As an actress, I may have my own idea about how my character looks and sounds to my audience, but what really matters is how the audience perceives it. Even if I don’t like it, the men we date are the audience. Like theater patrons, they won’t come back if they’re bored, repulsed, or they don’t enjoy the experience. ”

    The difference is as an actor, you aren’t expected to keep a performance up day and night for the length of a relationship. And a performer-audience relationship is a lot more one-sided than person-to-person.

    The most painful parts of my last relationship were when each of us was doing things for the other person instead of staying true to ourselves. Not only did it not feel great for the person doing it, it didn’t really work–it just bred more confusion and mixed messages.

    Of course I find passionate pagan intellectuals wildly sexy, so I could be biased 🙂

  226.  #226Justin on April 30, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Lucy, you’re right. I’m getting lots of love and appreciation messages from him right now, just from being chill, as he puts it.

    Shannon, I hear you. He was in a short marriage with no warmth or connection, as was I (though mine was long), and I think we developed a really intense pattern early on — like feasting after a period of fasting. It’s been baby steps, trial and error to develop these patterns into more constructive ways of interacting.

  227.  #227dawn on April 30, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Brenda, I feel really angry and put off by some of your comments. I feel like there are two people doing your writing. I hate snyd little remarks. I feel confused by most of it. I choose to move forward and if i choose to give my sisters a little advice i believe will help them because of personal experience then so be it. I feel amazed at your candor but your ardent lack of respect for yourself and others just feels bad.I hope you can feel better soon

  228.  #228Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Dawn, I feel confused and curious about what upset you in Brenda’s comments. <3

  229.  #229Daria on April 30, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Earth Dancer –

    i appreciate your sharing information.

    My feeling angry was a response to a trigger. I don’t want to push you away.

    And to be honest, i sometimes, every now and then DO eat processed foods. (which may have sugar in them)

    I’m feeling good today. Drinking my cranberry water and drinking my nettle juice.


    i wil lHEAL

    im excited

    i feel so much energy available for my healing right now!

  230.  #230Daria on April 30, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I don’t believe that don’t want statements don’t work.

    Rori’s toosl actually use feel messages and don’t wnat statements.

    Also Justin,

    if you go to the Power And Self esteem side bar…

    and go back to the oldest posts, the second to last one, about Stop solving problems.

    You will have arrived at the place where Rori started me and a bunch of sirens on our Riffing journey.

    There we DO get to write down a whole bunch of whts troublign us, and what we don’t want,

    and THEN we flip it, and find feelings…

    its a HUGE part of our journey.

    I would feel GREAT to hear all teh sirents who haven’t done it to do it.

    I perssonally find thwat writing what i feel upset and what i don’t want till i feel purged…

    and THEN writing aobut what I DO want, really shifts my energy (tho i haven’t done it so much – have i – acck i feel tighteneing)

    its a way to FEEL the feeling, writing it, the move to a better feeling writing it.

    writing helps me FEEL the feeling

    i feel tightened. i love my tightness

  231.  #231Daria on April 30, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Dawn – I feel surprised and curious too.

  232.  #232Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Daria — To me it is the same thing; you’re changing your don’t wants into do wants. The only difference is you’re writing down the steps of the process instead of just doing it internally.

    For me, I wrote stuff down for many years, and now I find it all works better for me if I contain it within myself and process it there instead of on paper.

    But everyone is different.

    I actually find that writing my feelings down inhibits their flow, but that’s just me.

  233.  #233Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    “Contain” is completely different from “stuff” btw!

  234.  #234mary on April 30, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Think so, Tinque?

    We ended with him just telling me about a ski club in Victoria. He extended an invitation for me to come. (Easy way to look-see for him? If there had been more interest, there would have been a one-on-one invitation, eh?)

    We got into a conversation about dating and about exactly when the exclusivity thing becomes appropriate, and I did say something about keeping options open, and I did see his expression go from surprise to disdain.

    It’s okay because I wasn’t wild about him. But… what if I had been? I feel that I maybe shouldn’t have been so transparently open and honest.

    See, instead of telling him how my exes were jerks, I told him how much we were in love and wanted things to work, and how grandly they treated me (and they did – even R! – and you know the inside scoop on that), and the ways I tried to save the day, and ended with the fact that things simply didn’t work and I’ve come to a peaceful resolution about it.

    Hmmmmm. What less could I have said? What more could I have said? This is a question for widowers especially. And it will come up again soon…

    German guy tonight! he’s divorced.

    And Island guy is next… he’s a widower.

  235.  #235Justin on April 30, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Okay, Daria, thank you. I’ll read through that one again and do the work.

    I feel grateful that you are so patient and impatient and always so passionate. <3

  236.  #236mary on April 30, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    I put on all these rhinestones tonight. (This is the guy who liked my rhinestone hair clip!)

    Doesn’t REALLY feel like me, but… I do love them.

    Here goes!

  237.  #237Nancy on April 30, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I can not figure out how to send you a letter on a new subject and get your thoughts. I am widowed 21/2 years and am just starting to be social. There is a gentleman that is in my life as a friend. No Sex…of course he would…I have not let it go there. It gets interesting as he has a girlfriend of 4 years and yet contacts me and we go for walks. There is more and I will gladly send a letter detailing this relationship just let me know how and where. Thanks, I enjoy your site….it is very helpful for someone back on the single scene after 24 1/2 years. Enjoy the moments-Nancy

  238.  #238Siena on April 30, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    grrr I feel frustrated and angry. My head is spinning. I’ve been making “brain” mistakes all day today. I feel overwhelmed. How can I do this work much longer? It’s ALL brain, and I feel tired of using my brain!!

    The people on the phone have been short with me, and I know it’s because of the energy I’m sending them, because usually people are kind to me on the phone.

    Grrr, I feel really done done done. I can’t go fast enough, I can’t get it right. I’m slogging through everything, I feel like molasses.

    I don’t want to do this work anymore. I want to feel light and happy and free in my work. I want to feel happy and creative and feminine. I want to feel safe with my finances and worry-free.

    I don’t want to do this anymore. I want something better. Thank you!

  239.  #239Daria on April 30, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Dawn and Siena – i want to manifest money, and freedom from cyclical money worries.

    what would that feel like”?

    that would feel like oging out right now and doing something fun and getting sushi

    thats going to equal getting on the block and receiving the chinese food my mom wants to get

  240.  #240Siena on April 30, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Daria, I want that too!

    I feel peaceful when I check my bank balance. I feel happy when I can purchase a item I really love without looking at the price tag. I feel pressure-free because all my bills are paid on time and with plenty left over! I feel grateful that no matter how much I take out of the bank account, more is always available. I feel giddy because my bank balance always goes up! I feel generous because I want to share my fortune with others around me. I feel proud because I can help my parents with their finances. I feel free because I no longer have to work just to make money. I feel really really good about the state of my finances!

  241.  #241Siena on April 30, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    oh gosh, I forgot to add:

    Thank you!

  242.  #242tinque on April 30, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Mary – “I wasn’t wild about him. But… what if I had been? I feel that I maybe shouldn’t have been so transparently open and honest.”

    But you weren’t, so it was just right. Open and honest trumps lies and deceit any day, and of this man or any man can’t handle it, is this the kind of man you want as your forever guy?


  243.  #243Turtle Girl on April 30, 2010 at 5:31 pm


    Fellow pagan here! Love #137!

    Why he disappeared and who the hell cares! OMG, I am dying laughing! Perfect! EMK triggers me too. So does CC. I agree – they act as if, it is up to us to do all the work and oh by the way, sounds so not grown up manish-we were not “fun” enough. Belch.

    Uh, guess what guys, relationships are not just all about fun! Belch. My ex toxic man told me the same thing-“this is just about fun baby!” Oh please, grow the fuck up and don’t make me laugh……I am sorry but this just pisses me off when I hear this shit…….we just wanna have fun and you weren’t fun—oh waaaa, widdle baby man isn’t having fun anymore—–fuck you…..pisses me off….trigger.

    Are women the only grown ups here? I mean I like fun the same as the next gal, but wow——

  244.  #244Siena on April 30, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    I feel really tired and I have a date tonight. I don’t want to go on the date. My boy energy is too tired to put on makeup so my girl energy can go out and be wined and dined.

    I desire to feel comfortable and relaxed with a man. I desire to feel beautiful with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup on, and my old torn up jeans. Thank you 🙂

  245.  #245Siena on April 30, 2010 at 5:35 pm


    Here’s a thought! WHAT IF I CANCEL THE DATE!? And respect my feelings and stay in!?

    OMG, I’ve never done that before…. Yay! I’m calling now to cancel!!!!!!

  246.  #246Justin on April 30, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I feel scared that if I do all this work, I won’t want this man anymore.

  247.  #247Justin on April 30, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Oh, Siena, good for you. I feel excited for you!

  248.  #248Siena on April 30, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Yay! I just canceled! I feel better!

    Justin, if – after you’ve done this work – you don’t want him anymore. That’s okay because YOU WON’T WANT HIM ANYMORE.

    But babe, that’s boy energy – you’re in your head, thinking of the future. How you feel RIGHT NOW is what’s important.

    Hugs! (a feeling tired but feeling strong and liberated because she can say what she doesn’t want) Siena

  249.  #249Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Tara, did you actually read the book? Is that what he wrote or are you guessing? (about fun, etc.)

  250.  #250Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Oh, Siena! Brava! Lol. I feel so happy for you honoring your feelings and canceling!!

    Guess what? I have been wearing no make-up on all of my CD’s, except sometimes I put on burt’s bees colored lip balm. And they all want to keep dating me. Yay!

  251.  #251Justin on April 30, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Siena, you are right. I feel afraid to let go of the dream of this love. It’s been very comforting to me after my divorce, even with all the drama. Because of all the drama. It was a distraction. A security blanket.

    I went through a period where I was very heavy. It was hard for me to let go of that weight, that “cone of silence.” That invisibility. But I had to say, “Thank you for being here for me, fat. You served me well when I needed you. But I don’t need you anymore.”

    I am reading through the Problem-Solving posts at Daria’s suggestion, and I feel sooooo overwhelmed.

  252.  #252Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Tattoo man just made a movie date with me for Monday.

    He is the one who, we met for coffee (from match.com), and we both felt “just friends.”

    Then we went to a concert together. As friends (I won tickets and invited him — because we are friends — and two other friends.)

    Now we are going to a movie.

    I wonder .. . I feel kinda curious … maybe I feel interested in the possibility of kissing him, heehee.

  253.  #253Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    I feel scared of getting yelled at (on here) for inviting him to the concert — but it was as friends.

  254.  #254Daria on April 30, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Justin –
    uhoh ! we took the posts ONE at atime and did the lists (VERY IMPORTANT TO DO THE LIST NOT JUST READ)

    felt intense as it was

  255.  #255Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    .Brenda MacIntyre – Medicine Song Woman A cedar bath is a women’s ceremony for letting go… of fear, doubt, anger, judgment, whatever you feel like you need to release. You can release physically, emotionally, spiritually and at the level of the mind too.

    There are many ways of doing this. The way I was taught is:

    A handful of cedar leaves into a big pot (dutch oven) of water. Pray … See Moreinto the cedar and water. Light a candle and turn off the electricity in the bathroom (like, turn off the lights and don’t turn on a radio or keep your cell phone in there). You’ll know the cedar water is ready when it turns a reddish colour and the leaves turn sort of brown. You can drink the water too – cedar tea. Packed with vitamin C. It will clear your system. Best to get the tea out before the leaves turn brown though.

    Boiling the cedar actually purifies the air in your home as well.

    Take a good handful of sea salt, pray into it and put it in the bathtub before anything else. Strain the cedar water. You’ll have enough for about 3 baths or a bath and lots of tea (you can drink it cold too), however you want to divide it up.

    Smudge yourself and everything you’re using and give thanks for it all. Dissolve the seasalt by pouring hot water first, then fill up the tub how you normally would, except make it as hot as you can stand it. And then… add the cedar water, however much feels right to you. I use about 1/3 of the pot and take a cup of the tea, and I save the rest.

    When you’re in the bath, ask the water, cedar and salt to help you. It’s good to have a glass or bottle of water in there with you. You might release a lot of tears and need to replenish. I have had incredible releases that were very intense and strong, and gentle ones like last night, where I just feel supported.

    The seasalt will draw out toxins from you and the cedar will purify and help you release negative energy. The water… just ask for what you need and you’ll get it. And be thankful. It’s an amazing ceremony.

  256.  #256Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Daria, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of DOING them. I have a free weekend, with no obligations past 2:00 pm tomorrow. But at the same time, I feel excited.

    Lucy, I can tell you I just today saw that one of my favorite bands is coming in July. I could not buy two tickets fast enough. There are three men in my life who know I love this band, but I wasn’t about to sit here and wait for one of them to buy tickets to surprise me. If someone does, great! But for now, these are my tickets, and I’ll take whomever I want!

  257.  #257Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    “Affirmation: The world awaits the fire within me.”

    ACKK! this is my fear!! that they’re all waiting and pressuring me and I am not getting it out fast enough and never will and they’ll all be dead


    Thank you


    “One common thread in our panel discussion on Water today… If you want something, ASK.”

    im asking im asking.

    I want 1000$ to show up, and feel good, no strings attached!

    I want to live in an apartment where i feel supported and safe!

    I want to feel like im getting big and little things done, with little effort!

    I WANT to have the money I want WITHOUT ASKING my parents!


    i feel afraid.

    I WANT to easily have the moeny for the herbs I want from wholefoods!

    THANK U.

  258.  #258Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Justin –

    hey you can start Doing them right now.

    do ONE at a time i mean you can do one one day, then rest a few days. before doing more

    for example, I could start right now… hehehe

    list list list


    I could start my cover letter right now1


    Thank you

    i love you

  259.  #259Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Daria, okay. Can I start with the flip? I’m all about the wanting.

  260.  #260Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Update on dating

    i gave my number to a guy online last nite

    he called me today and left a message

    i called him back

    he said hes bored blah blah

    he said i should spend time with him

    i said, well i am free, if you want to see me

    he said dont be mad at him, he is not mobile

    so I changed my approach from the past:

    I was like ohhh… ok… hes like yah come see

    i said ohhh i dont really want to do that..
    i dont like driving to guys

    hes like yeah im not mobile

    im like okay im not mad at you, i just wish you were

    hes like yeah im not etc

    i said ok,,,,, well if you figure soemething out let me know

    he hunge up before me (i felt a lil bad0

    but I am taking steps on being more clear what i want – a man who can get to me

    i didnt want to spend energy chatting a man who can’t

    i feel good about this

  261.  #261Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Justin – haha … umm…

    I would start with the FEARS.

    that way they will be out on paper and out your mind.

    then the flip will bring the fresh energy in much deeper

  262.  #262Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Saying I would do them in order.

    Feel the icky feelings too is healing.

    I don’t know to tell you the truth, you CAN do it anyway.

    BUT I don’t think avoiding feelings is waht riffing is about

  263.  #263Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Okay. You’re right. I was going to right “disregard!”

    I like what you said to Immobile Man. I’ve had a guy borrow a car to come see me before. If they really want you, they’ll hop a skateboard.

  264.  #264Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    It really goes very fast its like they pour out

  265.  #265Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Justin – yes!! exactly!

    He can borrow a car hehe, or take the long public transportatino ride, or get dropped off, or etc etc


  266.  #266Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    can I post them here, piecemeal?

  267.  #267Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:19 pm


    I yes you can !!! go for it! i feel excited!!!

  268.  #268Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Lol, Justin. 🙂

  269.  #269EarthDancer on April 30, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    @Turtle Girl #243

    Yeah! Right on…I love your voice I love how you can express what I’m feeling, thank you 🙂

    @Daria #198, #230

    Gosh, I feel sorry you are feeling triggered. 🙁 I only mentioned yeast ’cause you were talking about chronic bacterial infections and yeast (candida) often is the food source inside the body for infections (not eating the yeast)…I did not mean to suggest YOU were polluting your body (sometimes my fingers get ahead of my brain) but sometimes people in general … SORRY! 🙁

    Sending hugs to you and prayers to the Universe that your health is 100% soon xoxo

  270.  #270Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Earth Dancer –

    hey thanks Goddess. I feel worried about pushing you away.

    I felt shocked to find myself feeling that way.??!!!

    I really like sharing healing stuff so I thank you for sharing that with me.


  271.  #271Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    And thank you for prayers!!

    and im feeling better already! I think the usnea compound is really kicking in!!

    I feel excited to have this energy to give to my health right now!

  272.  #272Lucy on April 30, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    From Evan:

    “However, if you have the hots for the cute, quiet guy in IT, he may be totally into you, but be too shy to do anything.

    “That’s when it’s your job to make it easier for him. Not to ask him out, but to make it clear that you’re amenable to being asked out. Being flirtatious, hanging around his desk, joining him for lunch… As long as he knows that his advances will be well-received, he will probably make the advance.

    “And if he doesn’t?

    “Just ask him out.

    “It’s only rejection. Guys deal with it every day.

    “(And yeah, I’m contradicting myself, but only for shy guys!)”

    What do you think? 🙂

  273.  #273Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Okay… here goes…

    Fuck! This is hard.

    I worry about my mom’s health. She doesn’t take care of herself.

    I fear any man who would take on a woman with three young children is a pedophile.

    I fear I will never get out of my head.

    I’m afraid the other moms in my neighborhood judge me, and my kids will suffer for it.

    I regret my tattoos.

    I fear this marble-sized lipoma on my ass will be a giant turn-off to any man who sees it, and I can’t afford to have it removed right now.

    I fear my lack of motivation to get a job.

    I fear my batshit crazy father who is filled with pain and anger.

    I worry I’m fucking up my kids with my detachment.

    I fear letting down all the people who see me as a strong person.

    I feel like a fraud.

    I fear my rebellious nature.

    I worry my kids are suffering socially because I don’t play the bullshit political social games with the other parents.

    I fear my honesty and sensuality is intimidating to men.

    I fear my lack of discipline when it comes to finances.

    I fear my lack of motivation to keep a tidy house.

  274.  #274Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    okay I don’t really want this, especially cuz my car is too small to strethc out… but this is sounding more fun

    Ie I feear having to l ive out of my car:

    “Practical advise from someone who’s lived in a car long-term.


    •Most Wal-Marts let you park overnight for free
    •Rest stops can be good, especially if there is security provided
    •Most National Forests (grasslands, etc.) and Bureau of Land Management properties allow free camping for up to 2 weeks (but no one actually checks..)
    •Church parking lots are usually good
    •Some hotels, especially along the interstate, won’t notice if you park overnight. However, some will kick you out at 3 am so it’s a craps shoot.
    •Find a place at least an hour before sundown so you’re not driving around at night
    •Sleeping in nicer residential neighborhoods will get the cops called on you. Sleeping in bad residential neighborhoods will get you robbed.
    •Bum a place from friends. Join Couchsurfing.org and set your status to “Traveling at the moment.”

    •Staying clean is very important. Trust me on this. People trust you more when you’re clean and you’ll have an easier time spinning yourself as “adventurous” rather than “destitute.” More on this later.
    •If you can find a restroom with a lock, you can take a fairly complete bath with a washcloth and a sink.
    •If you can’t actually bathe, do a whore’s bath once a day. Get some hand sanitizer, the gel with high alcohol content, and rub yourself down, especially in the stinky areas. It won’t get you clean per se and the alcohol will dry out your skin, but it’ll disinfect you and kill all the smell-causing microorganisms. Follow this with deodorant and baby powder.
    •The easiest way to LOOK clean and safe is to keep your hair and beard trimmed. The simplest and cheapest way to do this is to get some inexpensive hair clippers and clip it short once or twice a week.
    •Dark clothes hide stains. If you can’t wash clothes regularly, turn them inside out and place them in direct sunlight to inhibit funk and get that nice outdoorsy smell.
    •Avoid cologne! Masking odors is the enemy. You want to have as neutral a smell as possible. Unkept hair and powerful body odor make it much more difficult to get help from people.
    •Baby wipes are awesome.

    •Libraries! Internet! Search for a job and read books! Keep your mind occupied and hone your intelligence.
    •Parks, especially dog parks, are great places for meeting people
    •If you find yourself in a hobo camp, like the ones that crop up in national forests and BLM camp sites, if you can make a hot cup of coffee you will have both friends and (more importantly) people to watch your back. It’s as simple as Wal-Mart–>camp stove–>stovetop coffee maker. Take creamers and sugar from gas stations and the like. Oh yeah, it doesn’t hurt to have 5-10 gallons of water in your car, especially if you’re away from a city.
    •If you maintain yourself, and you look clean and safe, you’ll have an easy time convincing people that you’re adventurous rather than destitute. Adventurous gets you much farther than destitute, because secretly (or not so secretly) a lot of people our age want exactly what you have–The freedom of the road, no responsibility, time to write and reflect, no obligations, nothing but days and weeks to focus on yourself. Being destitute might get you a dollar or a cup of coffee. Being adventurous might get you in a pretty girl’s bed, or better yet, a hot shower..
    •Go to where the young people are and mix it up once in a while. You’ll fit right in as long as you stay clean and pretty. The easiest way back into the game is through a social network, so work on building a strong one.
    •Always, always be on the bounce. Keep an eye peeled for opportunities. Don’t let the massive chasm of unencumbered time overwhelm you. Have a project for EVERY SINGLE DAY. Make a plan and stay clean, because as fun as it is to tramp around for a while, you don’t want to do this forever.
    I hope this helps, buddy. In all likelihood, you won’t have to use 99% of what I’ve mentioned, buuuut you never know. Top priority for you, my friend, is take care of yourself. Decide RIGHT NOW and TODAY that this will only be temporary. Mourn the loss of what you had, but remind yourself every single day that this is a BEGINNING, not an end. Focus on putting one foot in front of the other and I guarantee that you will find yourself in a better place.

    One thing I’d add to this list, is that if you can afford it, join a Gym. Some places like 24 hour fitness have some really cheap options ($15-19 per month). You will have access to a shower, soap and exercising is key to keeping yourself emotionally healthy.

  275.  #275Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    thats wasup justin! i feel inspired to go do this now too!

  276.  #276EarthDancer on April 30, 2010 at 6:38 pm


    I also feel triggered by Evan … 🙁

    His advice did not work for me; I read the same passage, unzipped my heart and was flirtatious with a guy at work I was interested in – stopped by on my daily walk, was open & showed him I was interested …. he said he had been interested in me for a couple of years but it never felt like the right time but he finally got the nerve to ask me out … had great dates over the course of about a month … it turned physical because that’s what I wanted … I had an overseas vacation planned before we started dating and was gone for 3 weeks … he did not email during that whole time, and when I came back … NOTHING.

    I feel Rori’s way is better – lean back, let him pursue … because then it is all HIS idea and I feel he is more emotionally invested … I agree with you, I want to find a grown up man who does not have to have his ego stroked every single moment … I feel defeated & sad … I love my feelings of sadness & defeat…thank you

  277.  #277Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    “I want to find a grown up man who does not have to have his ego stroked every single moment”

    Ah, thank you.

  278.  #278ABC on April 30, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Does anyone understand how Rielle Hunter won John Edward’s hearts?? Even having gone through all his lies, his cheating, and his public humiliation, he went back to her?? I really don’t understand how this works??

  279.  #279Yvette on April 30, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Hello Rori and Friends:

    I have been using many feeling messages and it feels wonderful now that I feel I’ve gotten the hang of it. I even use them with my children.

    A couple of days ago, I felt my feelings hurt from an instance that I felt I was “brushed off” with his hand from a suggestion (forward) that I made toward his grumbling about someone else. The situation escalated to his brushing me off when his made dinner plans just fell through and I felt excited to have dinner with him, then he proceeded to suggest to me how to raise my child that he sees “will be a problem in the future”, because I don’t discipline my child with corporal spanking or whipping. Toxic?

    Well, I felt junk that night. When he asked if I was upset I said yes and proceeded to let him know how I felt upset.

    Then he said, “Why is it always all about you?” He said he could brush me off because I have no right to say something contrary to him, his making dinner wasn’t about me and that I didn’t have to take his offered “advice” about my son personally.

    I feel my feeling messages took me in a direction that screams, “This guy certainly is not caring about your feelings.” Or does he have a point?

    I’ve stepped farther back in the relationship because it doesn’t feel good right now. Would love to hear what y’all have to add about “it” being all about me.

  280.  #280Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    I feel afraid that by posting now Im competing with JRock

    I feel afraid of being too competitive

    I feel afraid of bieng myself

    I feel worried I dont have the money to buy my herbs

    I feel worried theres not enough money right now in my bank account to cover what is about to come out

    I feel afraid to ask my parents for money

    I feel afraid of being attakced

    I Feel afraid of moving out the house

    I feel afraid of getting a job and wasting so much energy jsut so i can earn money

    i feel earning money is a waste of my talents

    i feel afraid i suck with money

    i feel afriad i am too undisciplinea

    i feel afraid i will always jump off rhtyhm

    i feel afraid im pregnant

    i have to solve the problme for security

    security is not calling

    i have to solve the way for security to pursue me when he doesnt have a car

    i have to inspire people to get to school

    i dont even believe in school but i want men to go to it

    i worry that i will be unaccomplished

    i woerry that i wont do my cover letter today

    i woerry that my gym wont give mthe 600 dolalrs set aside for personal training

    i worry that they wont even let me use it to pay my gym membership

    i worry that the credit cards i enrolled in the consolidation program arent gonna go in all the way

    i worry that i cant DO anything

    i worry that im using my girl energy to get stuff done

    i woerry that im getitng NOTHING done

    i weorry that im totally off time wise

    i worry taht im not a good time manager

    i worry that my parents health is gonna fail and i dont hae a system or even money set up to support them

    i worry that i never will get to live problem free on my won

    i worry that ill have to have an aborition

    i worry that ill feel bad and like i betrayed myself and my promise

    i weorry that i wont ever get the success i want

    i worry that i deserve success but all that it will come to u stuff is bullshit

    i worry that i will turn into a shallow person

    i worry that my cat is getting old and hes been eating canned fofod all his life and may get sick

    i worry that i woant ever get to have the great sex i want

    i worry that i wonat be loved

    i worry taht i wont have the network of friends that i feel good with

    i worry that my life will stay stuck

    i worry that i wlil be stuck forever

    i worry taht i wont be heard

    i worry that men dont really want me

    i worry that im being fake with men

    i worry that i have to teach the men i meet how to date

    i worry that im always gonna be alone

    i worry that God isnt gonna give me the little things i want

    i worry that i dont have money

    i worry that i have no way to make money

    i worry that i know of no way to put money in my bank account to cover what i want

    i worry that i cant but the herbs online or the facial products i want

    i worry that i cant buy shit

    i worry taht i cant take afford to take myself out for sushi

    i worry that i will have no more clients for my business in a month

    i worry that i wont take the steps i need for my business
    i worry that no one will help me

    i feel so mad at having hired a business coach for 3 months but not have the money except for one monht

    i feel ashamed and angry and fursteated

    i worry that that i just wont be able to make money

    i worry that i dont have nay money

    i worry that i dont have any money

    i worry that i dont have any money

    i worry that i dont have money

    i worry that i dont have money to pay my bills

    i worry that i will go banjkrupt

    i worry that i always pick the wrong chocie

    i worry that i iwll never get to share the real me with my parents

    i worry that my child will not get along with me

    i worry that my child will go to jail

    i worry that society will keep incarcerating people

    i worry that i dont know how to deal with child molesters

    i worry that i dont know how to let go

    i worry that i wont get huge feeling healings

    i worry that my eft doesnt totally work

    i worry taht my eft only works a lil bit

    i worry that i push men away

    i worry taht im not ready for marriage until im financially stable

  281.  #281Justin on April 30, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Ack! Daria, you win! I respectfully and merrily admit! 😉

    ABC, did she really win his heart?

  282.  #282Daria on April 30, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Ack i feel triggered – i didn’t want to compete. i feel ashamed. i love my shame.

    i felt super many sighs. as i was going thru and writing. that is good. means energy is moving.

  283.  #283ABC on April 30, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Hi Daria,

    I was just really shocked to see that he moved her to NC, where he and Elizabeth live. I think somehow that says something. I am not sure if she won his heart, but action says louder.

  284.  #284Daria on April 30, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Hi ABC – yes i guess he likes her. hehe. i think rori quick mentioned something about her. im not really up to date. does she seem to be a siren?

    is she receiving?

  285.  #285ABC on April 30, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    No…I just watched the Oprah interview with her. She sounds like a very needy woman and constantly “understands” every move he made even though he humiliated her on public television. She seems like everything against what Rori has been preach.

    Maybe men like it when they feel like they are needed? That makes them feel useful? My boyfriend says the same thing, men need attention too, just like us, but i guess there needs to be a mutual attraction first.

    I also watch Elizabeth’s interview with Oprah, she seems like she is still blaming him for what happen–he should be blamed, but i think Rori said something a long time ago that if we choose to stay, we need to stop the blame, and make it more open and warm. I am not sure if that’s why he got tired of her blame, and chose the mistress instead.

    It’s just so interesting to watch the whole dynamic between them, reminds me when I am in the blame mode, i just couldn’t get out of my head, it makes me feel good that i am protecting myself, but it doesn’t do anything good to the relationship. it only pushes him away, even though he wants to make it work, it just feels bad to him because it’s very hostile, and that only creates more distance between us. The hardest part for me is to how to accept him, yet not feel like I am settled into his deals instead of mine as Im working to become non-blame.

  286.  #286Justin on April 30, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Ugh, I just lost a whole post about Rielle Hunter. But it pretty much echoes what you said, ABC.

    Your last paragraph? I could’ve written every word. it reminds me that there are only a handful of plots in this world, and they’re played out over and over. I feel comforted reading your words. I feel your strength and surrender.

  287.  #287ABC on April 30, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Thanks Justin….

  288.  #288gina on April 30, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    urgh this sucks – i haven’t had internet access for days and days and I jump in the conversation and feel like a jerk for just spouting my point of view for the free therapy of it. I feel a little guilty about that, and yet here I go…

    the 21 year old married guy said that his wife left him, but then his wife called and said that in fact they have been living together and she wants me to stay away from him. Today is the first time I worked with him since (it’s been a week) and tonight we talked about it a little, and his “explanation” feels horrible. There is no explanation. he just says that he was an asshole, and the did me wrong, and he deserves whatever I dish out. Except, of course he was mad that other people had heard about it (I did gossip about it when I returned to work after the phone call with the wife – I learned that the gossipy drama was only satisfying in the short term) It feels so weird that I’m physically attracted to him and yet angry and repulsed. He basically says that he played me and he’s sorry. But then he keeps the game up of looking into my eyes invitingly. boo. I don’t like that I could be so wrongly attracted to a self-proclaimed a-hole.

  289.  #289mary on April 30, 2010 at 10:21 pm



    is there any other career you’d rather do? and if so, could you go to school or even take one class to start on a track to do that career?

    just wonderin’.


  290.  #290Daria on April 30, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    it would feel fun to be a rapper

    a model

    a liberator leader person hehe

    a natural healer

    i dont really want to go to school or take a class right now

    i like tutoring it would super pop if i had someone doing my marketing

  291.  #291Daria on April 30, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    a life coach

    a designer

  292.  #292Daria on April 30, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    a poem and story writer

    i feel tired

  293.  #293Daria on April 30, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    i feel triggered!

  294.  #294Daria on April 30, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    right now it would feel fun if i could find some paid wrok to do online

    i checked out turk.com but all i got was that i could make lik .50c to 3 bucks an hour which i feel down thinking about

    now i feel guilty!

    i love my feelings

  295.  #295mary on April 30, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    i’ve lost a lot ($) in the past few years (recession) and feel kinda worried about money too. and i’m a little bit terrified about starting to work. still haven’t chosen a firm yet, but that’s gonna happen next week!

    so i’m probably just wondering for me, too… is it really what I want to do?

    don’t know.

    i love the unknown.

  296.  #296Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Yvette, Welcome, and it’s hard to tell from your letter what’s really going on…I can’t tell if you’re “all over” him, or if he’s insensitive. I’m not sure if I can picture what happened over dinner. Can you fill us in a bit more on the the details of how it’s been going with this man? Love, Rori

  297.  #297Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    Lucy – I think that if you’re a “rock star free spirit diva” you can do ANYTHING – Including ask a guy out. And sometimes, with a very shy man, and if we’re feeling really confident, we CAN do something like that – and the vibe isn’t even Leaning Forward. The thing is – to assume that it will work is what usually gets us into trouble, and most of us just haven’t got that diva thing down brilliantly. In my experience, if you smile at a man, and complement him, and stand there for a moment, and do that a couple of times – and he still doesn’t do anything – even if you MARRY the guy he’s going to never step up the way you want. A man has to have at least as much courage as YOU do…right?

  298.  #298Rori Raye on April 30, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Nancy, Welcome, and just keep posting here as you did – we’ll all help you! If you had a good marriage – then you’re going to have an easy time of this…just take it slow, date LOTS of men, don’t get involved or invested in any one man – and you’ll do great. Love, Rori

  299.  #299Jenn on May 1, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Rori, you are hitting the nail on this one.

    Amy, Rori is right. I had a r/s that was 10thousand miles apart and we had the same strong chemistry. We talked EVERYDAY on skype and text and played games and all… but seriously, it is not real until we meet.

    And long story short, he wasn’t real. Everything changed when I flew over and he was not the person I thought he was. It was all IN MY HEAD. I made that amazing guy up. He didn’t even did any of the stuff he said he would – love me, care for me, plan a way for us to be together…NONE. Everything is so easy to be SAID and felt. It’s worth nothing when nothing is done.

    If Tony can’t handle what you told him, what else can he handle?? Do you want to always walk on shells and say things/do things so he will not leave you? Do you wanna be that person after all that you have done and worked so hard for yourself?

    I believe you have gained happiness with yourself and gained back your confidence after all that work in 11months. Please don’t let a guy u’ve never met steal them away. He will, if u decide to be that “I will do anything and be careful of what I say” woman.

    Would you want your daughter to be this way…?

  300.  #300mackenzie on May 1, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    I have been CDing and at first I found it hard not to compare everyone to my “ex” (whom I am still dating) and not feel worse after the dates. A small part of me still wants my ex back. Was getting discouraged but hung in there and am practicing the tools. Now, I am dating 3 really great guys and can tell that I’m going to get scared when the time comes that they ask me to be exclusive. One of the guys is already complaining about me dating other people after we’ve dated twice and he’s thinking ahead to a trip in August that he hopes I will go on with him. Anyway, I like all 3 guys right now and that will probably keep me from being exclusive for awhile but I’m almost positive I won’t be able to say no to being exclusive once (if) I pick one to have sex with. Has anyone gotten that far in their CD and can you really date a guy that is madly in love with you (and maybe you are in love with him)and tell him you are going to keep dating other people????????? Seems almost impossible. And, how does this compare to the stories we hear of people falling madly in love right away and living happily ever after til they are 80? They didn’t CD. The guy that doesn’t like me dating other people feels like you can’t really try out a relationship if you are sampling other “desserts”.

  301.  #301Daria on May 1, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Mackenzie – its not about sampling other deserts or what he thinks it is. That said, it’s also not about explaining to him.

    It’s just about: I don’t want to be exclusive with a man until it’s something serious and marriage is firmly on the table, preferrably with a set wedding date … AND it feels good

  302.  #302Daria on May 1, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    And it is good to talk about, asking him what he thinks. AND men will get angry about you not shutting down your options. That is good. Then they can step up if they really want you.

  303.  #303mary on May 1, 2010 at 1:10 pm


    I feel exactly the way you do. Circular dating is so counter-intuitive, and so hard to understand, from the guy’s point of view, that it’s hardly explainable. I tried to explain it to a guy just yesterday, and that was a mistake.

    If you think about it, it takes a lot more for women to “get out there,” than men. Women need to put out their vibes and hope someone picks up on them. Men just have to get out there and start picking up vibes. So, to expend all the energy required to get your phone ringing, and then to become exclusive because your guy wants to experience you sexually, and vice versa, and give all that up – the comparison, the feelings of being wanted, the sure dates on the calendar, the varied experiences, and become GLUED to him because that’s the normal thing that happens during sex with women, is to give him all the power BEFORE he has given you the commitment.

    That’s what I understand, and that’s why I’m gonna try to keep the sex on the back burner while I decide who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

    I’m just getting started with circular dating, and I’ve just turned the corner and left my ex behind. I’m excited! I’m not sure how I would handle things in your position, but I would want to secure the guy, and my understanding is that the things that might secure him are: intrigue, mystery, challenge and that you’re a woman of character, worthy of fighting for.

    Listen again to Rori’s talk about how men like challenges. They try to get you to comply, but if you do, they lose interest! It’s counter culture to go against what they say they want, but maybe it works…

    I agree with Daria that explaining won’t get you anywhere but a step backwards.

    Please keep us posted about how it goes for you!

  304.  #304mary on May 1, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    My long-ago lover, the one who I thought was getting a divorce but then found out that no one had filed, just texted me.

    He said, “I filed for a divorce a few weeks ago, and now it’s getting ugly.”

    I texted back and said, “Hard times for you. I sympathize.”

    Now I think that sounds pretty cold. I think I’m still mad at him for leading me to believe that his divorce was a few weeks away, when no one had even filed!

  305.  #305mary on May 1, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    For the first time in my life, I have choices about men!

    And I had a brilliant thought this morning. I’m gonna go to the driving range every Saturday at 10 am. Just drive a basket of balls and leave. I’ll be Mystery Woman at the Driving Range. And that’s where I’m gonna practice flirting big time. Just look, smile and drive my ball!

    I’m excited about this idea.

  306.  #306Siena on May 1, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Mary, how would it feel to text your ex-lover again? And say something like, “wow, I feel confused. I just realized that my last text might have sounded cold, and that feels bad, but I’m still feeling mad! What do you think?”

  307.  #307Siena on May 1, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    …and Mary, I agree with you! Options feel wonderful!

  308.  #308mackenzie on May 1, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Daria and Mary, thank you so much. What you say makes a lot of sense. I just am sure Guy #1 is going to have a VERY HARD time with me not being exclusive with him sometime soon. And, it will be hard not to be afraid of losing him if I like him back a lot. I’m not positive I can keep from caving from the pressure when the time comes so I REALLY appreciate your comments and need to keep them close to me. Anyway, about to go out with guy #3 so I have to run.

    I just also hope that everyone out there who is hung up on their ex can get some hope that we really can get out there and it CAN work. I’m still hung up on the ex (who said he would call me tonight- I won’t be here :-)) but it’s going away a lot faster than I thought it would.

    And, mary I love to golf too and I meet tons of guys golfing…they love it if you go to the range

  309.  #309mackenzie on May 1, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    and Mary, I’m interested in why you think it’s a mistake to explain it to guys. I already did try to explain it to Guy #1 on the second date and he didn’t like it but I thought I needed to tell him I wasn’t exclusive with him and it seemed natural to say why. What do you suggest?

  310.  #310mary on May 1, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Hmmm… thanks Siena. I guess I could text him back. That might be a good idea; thank you!


    Have fun with #3! What I’m thinking about explaining is that too much explaining becomes justifying, and you don’t need to justify the way you want to go about dating. Simple statements are enough, when the time comes, in my opinion.

    Rori’s simple speech really is heard loud and clear. When you state your feelings, no one can argue, because it isn’t a thought process. Feelings just ARE. And they come and go. So communicating them lets the guy know lots of information without too much talking. So cool! So effective! And sharing feelings always, always is a bridge that invites others towards you, maybe to meet in the middle. Even sharing that you’re angry with someone invites them to help you come to a resolve.

    And sharing what you don’t want could even be stretched into a fear…

    I feel _________. And I’m worried that _________ (don’t want) might happen. What do you think?

    It’s not explaining. It’s sharing and engaging.

    When I explained my thoughts on keeping options open to the guy yesterday, it was a first coffee date! Not appropriate, but we got to talking about deep things right away, and I guess that happens… next time I’m going to save it for later, when the time comes.

    And it sounds like you’re gonna be there soon!

    The best to you…

  311.  #311mary on May 1, 2010 at 3:05 pm


    When you refuse to cave in and be exclusive, and the guy gets mad, either he’ll step up or not, as Daria said. And the fact that you’re risking that is a HUGE statement of your self worth. You’re saying you can live without him! You’re saying that you value your own modus operandi. You’re saying that commitment is important to you, without saying the word “commitment.” You’re saying that YOU are important to you, and that’s apparently the most attractive thing for a man. He wants the siren to call him, but he wants to go to her. He wants to be on her turf. He wants to experience the feelings she’s describing. He wants to get into the mystical. He wants to connect more deeply with himself, but he needs to be in her orbit to do it.

    Don’t let him into your orbit until he gives you the ring! Otherwise, why would he need to give it to you? Just keep being attractive. Keep being happy and lovely. Keep being Mackenzie.

    (And if you’re not sleeping with him, he figures you’re probably not sleeping with anyone else – pardon me! this is my value inserted here!)

    Oh! I’m not a coach. I’m just here learning too. So please take all this as one person on the road to the other… and remember you’re the one who is further down the road!

  312.  #312dorothea on May 1, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    hello extremely beautiful ladies:)

    i just wanted to jump in here that i recently re-started circular dating despite feeling very attracted to and attached to and imaginary serious with a man who nearly stopped dating me the last time i made it clear i was dating others.

    i am not going to be in an imaginary commitment. it IS a risk seeing other men but not any more of the risk i take by being exclusive to a man who hasn’t claimed me in the only way i will willingly be claimed – a long term commitment.

    i have decided that what it takes to make me stop seeing other men would be living together with a man. though i’m not actually sure if i will ever feel right about living together before an engagement.

  313.  #313Rachel on May 1, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Daria, Siena… anyone who is good with feeling messages…

    When something has occurred that results in multiple feelings, do you just share one? One at a time? All of them?

    For example, last night’s encounter with my guy left me feeling disrespected, curious, disappointed, confused, afraid, excited, compassionate….

    How do I tell him what I’m feeling when there are so many conflicting feelings. I don’t want to overwhelm him. (I’m good at that!)

    Thanks in advance for your thoughts and examples. I love you guys!

  314.  #314Siena on May 1, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Hi Rachel,

    One of Rori’s tools is to experiment – to try different things to see what works for you!

    The feeling messages are about you, not about the reaction you get from him. That said, I would feel bad overwhelming a guy with too many feelings too! I would probably pick one or two that I felt most passionate about communicating, and start there. But again, experiment and see how it feels to try different things!



  315.  #315Daria on May 1, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Mary –

    THat was a perfect text. you even told him you sympathize. I think its great

  316.  #316Jennifer on May 1, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    ok, I am going to post but I feel afraid of being judged…but just realized I’m going to go ahead anyway……..so WHATEVER.
    I had a rockstar night. I really did. My money friend and I went out to the local watering hole…we dressed super nice. I felt really good. I was wearing a pale gold cowl neck top and dark jeans and the fantastic Pandora bracelet she gave me as a gift.
    We commenced to drinkin…we danced like rock stars, we both have had salsa lessons so we threw that in. Off the hook.
    We were out until 0300…a man at the bar asked me out like four times. I had to tell him no because I felt the 14 year age difference was too much for me. He kept asking for the chance to change my mind. A little creepy.
    Some woman came up and started calling her a whore. Nasty. Nasty woman got thrown out.
    I slept with a guy we met at the bar. Totally powerful in a “you may service me” kind of way. This guy worked me like a summer job. I forgot that there were men out there that KNOW what to do with a woman’s body. B was mostly so hesitant.
    This was a reminder from the universe about how different sex can be.
    I wonder though…………S wanted to hold my hand and I was like “no thanks” but I liked to talk to him. This guy C it’s like….why are you talking? Shut up and do me…..it’s kinda odd. I guess it’s about chemistry. That and Jack Daniels. LOL!
    No, really I would have slept with this guy sober.
    Now I feel worried about judgement again.
    Fuck it.

  317.  #317Simply Shannon on May 1, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Jennifer: “This guy worked me like a summer job.” LMBO!! I feel excited and turned on. No judgments here. Shazaam! 🙂

  318.  #318Simply Shannon on May 1, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Justin: Thank you for writing your list of fears! Soooo many of them are mine as well. Except I don’t have tattoos. 🙂 But the rest… yep.

  319.  #319EarthDancer on May 1, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Jennifer : *hugs* to you …

    no judgments! Remember Rori’s 6 E’s: explore, experiment, experience, engage, express, expand…whatever this means to you is right 🙂

    Take care of and protect yourself first and foremost!

  320.  #320EarthDancer on May 1, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Jennifer: DOUBLE shazaam! LOL you go girl!

  321.  #321Daria on May 1, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Haha! Go Jennifer Go!

  322.  #322mary on May 1, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Thanks Daria. I didn’t text him back. I just didn’t feel inspired…

  323.  #323EarthDancer on May 1, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Mary: you Rock! I think you are a Siren graduate … 🙂

    I’m still taking baby steps … had a CD with a guy today from online dating – he came at 3 p.m… we walked at the park, we ate an early dinner … we played some pool…by 8 p.m. I was just TIRED of the effort (we had met once for coffee so this was 1st real date) and it felt too hard I didn’t want to come up with some ideas on what to do … I just kept repeating what I DO like … he does not live in my town but asked for some ideas so I emailed some ‘event’ webpages at the beginning of the week… he had NOTHING planned for tonight …so I said I wanted to go home 🙁

    I keep forgetting to ask “what do you think” gggrrrr I feel mad at myself but at least I did lean back instead of trying to fix everything … SIGH …

  324.  #324Daria on May 1, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Earthdancer – wow a 5 hour date!! gosh! of course you’re tired hehe. Good job on leaning back and NOT coming up with things to do!

  325.  #325mackenzie on May 1, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Mary does rock!! Wow, are you good at articulating this stuff. I am back from date with guy #3. He is now off the list so I am just dating 2 now. Feels more manageable. ANYWAY, thank you dorothea for jumping in. Makes me feel not so alone in this situation. And, I think daria and maybe siena said some things. Very helpful. It’s just that lots has been discussed about circular dating and leaning back but not so much about when you actually get somewhere with a guy and it’s the big moment when he wants you to be exclusive but no ring. Not asking anyone to respond but wondering out loud what if you feel you are in love? Doesn’t being in love mean you want to be exclusive. I amost feel like I’m cheating if I date someone else and tell someone I love him. This is the part that feels REALLY COMPLICATED and I’m struggling. Again, I think this is hard and not expecting more comments. Actually the recent mary and dorothea comments said it all. I may have to cut and paste that stuff and put it in my diary and read it over and over because I’m not sure I have accepted it yet.

  326.  #326mackenzie on May 1, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    oh and jennifer – glad you had a good time 🙂 🙂

  327.  #327EarthDancer on May 1, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Thank u Daria, for the confidence 😉 I feel better … i feel I will learn how to do this … baby steps! xoxo

  328.  #328EternalOptimist on May 1, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Hello everyone,
    I’ve been reading all the posts daily but I feel too intimidated to join in. I’m an infant siren. I feel I don’t have the right words yet but I do strongly identify with Mackenzie.

    I love Rori and finding her has definitely changed my life. I have the Ebook, the heart connection Toolkit, Targeting Mr Right and Reconnect programs. I’ve been a lifetime super overfunctioner and forward leaner. This is the first time I’m allowing men to chase me and allowing myself to receive and it does feel better!

    However, I’m struggling with circular dating. I have 3 guys in my rotation and ofcourse I have preferences and will always save the best day (Saturday for my favorite). Hard to treat them all the same when I prefer one company to another. My #1 treats me best and is invested emotionally and told me yesterday that all his social plans revolve around me. I can feel exclusivity on the horizon, how can I say “no” and risk losing him. Also he feels I don’t care, no matter what I say, because I don’t initiate calls sometimes. Do I cave in?

    I’ve read many stories here about CDs and how fun it is for most. I’ve also read about guys having problems with us continuing to date other guys. I was intrigued with Shannon and her Masculine guy..wonder how she resolved it?
    I know ladies who dated multiple guys but I know it was done discreetly (without necessarily discussing with the guys) until they decided which one to stick with.

    Are there stories about sirens who’ve circular dated for a short while , and one of the guys stepped up and she received the commitment, ring and they are enjoying their happily ever after?

    Also how long can one continue to CD? If the ring doesn’t come, can one try to accept exclusivity and take a chance on love?

    Please give me hope….my baby steps are so shaky….but I definitely feel stronger on the inside!!
    Thank you all in advance for your wonderful insights.
    I must admit I’m addicted to this site.
    It feels soooo good

  329.  #329dorothea on May 1, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Mackenzie, i agree though..it is much trickier. what if he wants you to be his “girlfriend” AND you are feelin like youre falling in love, but you don’t want to just be GIRLFRIEND. i hope rori can answer your question. i could definitely use the help.

  330.  #330Siena on May 1, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Back from a first date. Practiced the tools, leaned back, unzipped my heart, used feeling messages, and listened at level 2.

    He was a really nice looking guy from the midwest. Looks like he wouldn’t harm a fly, kind of talks like that too.

    But at a certain point, my open heart started to scream at me, I felt scared, I felt nervous, and I knew in an instant…

    …I cannot trust this man with my heart. He does not have what it takes to take care of my heart.

    zzzzzzipppp right back up. Done.

    I still feel shaky, I’ve never had that experience before where my heart was so open that it told me immediately that it was unsafe. And I’ve dated drug dealers and really bad men! This was a midwest businessman!

    This feels scary, and good. It’s an entirely new way of dating for me.

    Thank you God. Please, I want to learn these lessons quickly so that I can find my happily ever after soon.

  331.  #331Siena on May 1, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    EternalOptimist – I love your name!

    you asked – “how can I say ‘no’ and risk losing him.”

    Rori says that men know that if they’re not stepping up to the plate and claiming you with whatever your happily ever after is, then they don’t get exclusive rights to you (man, I just made that sound like a car commercial!)

    But this isn’t about the guy, it’s about you! I have often thought about CD and have come to this conclusion for myself:

    I have exclusively dated so many men for various periods of time, that I have tied up my time for many years on men who didn’t come through with a firm commitment. That feels sucky! Here I am, all these years later, with no commitment – but lots of exes!

    What feels better for me is to keep my options open until a man comes along and convinces me that he wants the same things that I do. And the way I will be convinced is when we go ring shopping. Until that time, I am honoring myself by not becoming exclusive with him.

    The man I tell this to might not like it, but he couldn’t help but respect it. Men understand respect. I believe that the right guy will understand the ‘keeping my options’ open.

    …and you can still be sexually exclusive while dating others! And of course, your heart is open the whole time, so he’s still getting to be with wonderful you!

  332.  #332Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    Tahnks Siena –

    right now I am missing the last guy i felt really good with. I have had some sucky feeling experiences with men this week.

    I ahvent seen the guy since we had sex 2 weeks ago, tho we did have a convo cuz he thought i was ignoring him, which i wasnt. he wasnt leaving voicemails.

    anyway i got a text after that convo that he missed me. but i didnt answer it. cuz i dont want texts.

    so now

    i’ve been thinking aobu thim oops overfunctioining. im missing him

    i think my body is preparing for the period hehe (don’t want to be pregnant by him)

    anyway the phone freakin does a half ring today and it was him

    but no call

    i think hes a sensitive guy he mentioned being hurt before, and wanting to make sure im gonna stick around


    i would but he has to lay out the financial foundationg for me to feel secure. he doesnt have that now. i dont have it now either.

    i feel a lil stuck and not blown away not having a financial solidness. with him i feel great, i feel paid attention to, i feel supported, i feel loved, i feel RELAXED

    i felt a lil unheard when we had that troubling feeling convo about me feeling treated casually and him thinking i was ignoring him


    hey maybe i can do a spring cleaning on MEN!

  333.  #333Siena on May 1, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    Daria, hugs and power to you! I feel very strongly that if you are able to stay leaned back now and in your power as a goddess and be an invitation when he contacts you next, you will have hooked him. He’s sooooooo close! I can smell it!!

  334.  #334Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Siena – lol

    thanks Girl. I am thinking the same but theres no knowing of what he will do so I would feel happy to remember he doesnt exist right now.

    I guess im feeling alil lonely rite now

  335.  #335Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    I just gave myself a hug! wow I think this was the first time i gave myself a hug and FELT it

    i felt secure to let go in my own arms!

  336.  #336Siena on May 1, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Ya, feeling lonely sucks. But so do good men! (pun totally intended, trying to make u laugh 😉

  337.  #337Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    i am just now starting to GET that the thing about men driving to me and calling me is not just about my RULES and finding men that respect my rules,

    but rather giving the space for them to really blow me away and adore me

    like, i dont have to argue, i can just realize ok, i really dont want this, i mean i REALLY dont want this, as i dont want to talk to you anymore, i wont jsut converse,

    no hard feelings at all!!! you’re just on a different path than i am

    and I am making space for the men who CAN step up, cuz im interested in being stepped up to, majorly

    i feel a lil confused writing this, but I think I GET IT more now

    like, its not about, ok , i want you to call me and leave messages

    its more like


    that something like that is just required to get into my personal energy space


  338.  #338Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Haha yes i love getting my pussy sucked!

    I feel uncomfortable! – trying to stretch my confort zones as usual!

  339.  #339Siena on May 1, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Daria, I’ll say the thing with your dates not having transportation is just strange! I mean, everytume I read that I just feel so confused and wonder why it keeps happening to you! I mean this lovingly too… I just don’t understand it! Maybe the Universe is telling u to move to LA where everyone has a car?

    The date tonight told me most of his relationships ended at the 3 month mark. I feel very fearful of the 3 month mark. Like – monster under the bed fearful. I feel shoulders up around my ears and clenched jaw.

    I have had my heart broken after knowing someone 4 3 months so many times that I feel physically afraid of it!

    Maybe that’s another way CD will help me. I’m no longer counting the weeks, dreading the 3 month mark. I’d like this healed, thank you!

  340.  #340Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Siena – hehe yes!

    or New York where there is public transportation everywhere!

    or Brazil where i want to live and have no clue how it is with transportation

    but i bet its here

    i think its cuz i date guys that are more “ghetto” so usually poorer

    although a lot of guys in the ghetto have cars!

    so i dono what is up

    but hey

    could be cuz i was so not used ot the traditional, pick me up at home dating, that maybe i still have energy to clear around it

  341.  #341Daria on May 1, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    on a good note, i did have a man drive to come see me this week (tho i wound up feeling furious and VERY BAD talking to him later)

    and another one was driving today (but never called)

    AND another one who i talked to on the phone had a car (but only seemed to want phone sex)

    so that is a transportation improvement


  342.  #342Rori Raye on May 2, 2010 at 12:06 am

    Welcome, Jenn – and thank you for the wonderful insight…Love, Rori

  343.  #343MarkSpizer on May 2, 2010 at 3:23 am

    great post as usual!

  344.  #344mackenzie on May 2, 2010 at 4:06 am

    eternal opitimist….thank you sooooo much for not feeling too intimidated to write!!! You have no idea how good it feels to hear that others are in the same spot and I am so interested in everyone’s thoughts. I soak up everything everyone has to say and it soothes me and reinforces so many things. I was going to not speak up again as it IS intimidating and I think the responses were so good. Siena, I so appreciate what you said because I KNOW IT’S TRUE. BUT, now that I feel that I may have found someone I truly like and is a really, really good match for me and he is crazy about me it all feels way different. I understant the girlfriend trap but on the other hand if you are madly in love (I’m not, it’s early….just saying) it feels like it’s going to be very, very strange and very hard to say to someone that I am so in love with you but I want to keep dating other people. And, I know it’s going to break his heart. And, that last part is the scary part because if I break his heart it may mess up the good part with him and slow down the momentum or make him leave because he feels I don’t feel the same way about him that he feels about me. OK, I wll go back now and reread everything that everyone said and try to believe it more :-). Well, actually now I’m remembering that we aren’t supposed to get invested in them until they step up but if your heart is unzippered can’t you fall in love?

  345.  #345EternalOptimist on May 2, 2010 at 4:52 am

    Thank you , I always enjoy reading what you have to say. You’re right, I have so many exes. I feel the need to do things differently which is why I’m here. Actually following the rules is tricky (breaking old habits) but I’ll give it my best shot.

    I’m with you on that but let’s try it a little differently and not give up our power too soon. From past experiences, it always amazed me how quickly men changed (for the worse) once we became exclusive.
    But then again, I used to overfunction so I’m feeling a difference this time. Goodluck to us all.

  346.  #346dawn on May 2, 2010 at 4:56 am

    The hardest thing Ive ever done was look in the mirror and tell myself that im worth it. I had people all my life put me down for one reason oranotherand it wasnt until i figured out that it DOESNT matter what they think I started to feel my power. I can do who and what i please. I wont accept their jealousy, anger or shit anymore. I will listen but quite frankly thats all im gonna do and they knowthat now. You are all worth sooooo much it is unfathoable to you. Open up your eyes !People are always going to want to take their liberties with us , human nature I suppose. Just because we arent getting what we want or need right now doesnt mean it isnt on its way! Have faith in yourself ! Its all coming , just make sure your eyes are opened to see it when it does !

  347.  #347dawn on May 2, 2010 at 5:06 am

    Daria , I love the getting pussy sucked coment ! right on sister. I can try to help your funds but i will leave that up to you !!! LOL

  348.  #348dawn on May 2, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Daria, I feel your confusion about your parents. I hear all your posts when its buggin you. I had the same feelings about mine .It was confusing for me and I do not mean to label you as confused. It wasnt until i saw my dad taken off in hand cuffs , and my mother taken to hospital with gushing wound that i realised they are people just like we are !!Trying to get through their day just like we are. Its not that im the parent now and I hate when people say that its that ive grown up. I see their own angst as they go through their day just like i do. I know it doesnt near enough make up for how they can make you feel but it may shed a little light on why they do what they do. Our parents are only human , God luv them !!! Feeling messages work on parents too, they luv them !!!!

  349.  #349Turtle Girl on May 2, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Oh Jennifer!! Good on you!!! Proud of you! No judgment here-are you kidding me? I have followed all your posts and girly girl you needed a night like you had. Fuck it is right.

    That man gave you a gift, you needed to feel better about you and your rock star status-goddess status.

  350.  #350Jennifer on May 2, 2010 at 10:29 am

    hey guys..thanks for the support. I’m breathing easier with no judgement….that’s super cool!
    I keep waiting to start feeling like a stage 10 clinger…but it hasn’t happened yet…this is FANTASTIC!
    C asked for my number and asked if he could call me….and I haven’t started feeling nervouse that he won’t. I feel like “well, that would be nice but..hey want’s going on over here?”
    Yeah for me!

  351.  #351Daria on May 2, 2010 at 10:56 am

    Dawn – Thank you so much for addressing me with this. Girl I was really close to seeing that scenario at one point a few months ago.

    I feel surprised to hear you address me It feels really good like someone has my back.

    Do you have any IM messengers maybe we can communicate thru them? You can always click to my name to get through to my blog and leave me the comment with the info if you don’t want it here, and then i can erase it after.

    you can also email me at


    all of you sirens are welcome to mail me.

    Dawn I would LOVE a way to make money.

    I manifested a 50 bucks two days ago and 100 yesterday and I really want to manifest more.

    I feel soooo oo stuck.

    If you want to help me I feel open even tho I feel totally afraid.

    If you have some way I can make some money online that woudl rock, i can do data entry, editing, math, etc.

    The only thing that I DON;T want to do is cold call people, stuff like taht where I feel shy, etc.

    lemee know wassup

    i would love help and i feel afraid to say yes, I feel like … I don’t want to let you down you know?

    If you know what the hell i’m talking about let me know cuz i feel confused myself now.

    Oh yeah I feel like I should say no to help. I don’t want to do that. I want help.

    I feel afraid!!!

    I love all my feelings.

    Thanks Dawn for writing to me.

  352.  #352Charlene on May 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    I agree with Rori about the part where you can’t be “in a relationship” without physical presence, (or at least meeting), you’re ignoring the elephant in the room. He said, “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who has kids.” You have kids, so that’s kind of the end of it!

  353.  #353Kismet on May 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    hi sweetie i have a lot to say to from experience in this, I was with my ex for 30 yrs. and yes i had an abortion while i was with him, and we both are from different worlds. the thing is this, your family nor your friends will be payin your bills, it does matter what color, race or any thing else or what other people think nor say. the thing is do you too love each other and want to be together, not for the sake of the baby but each other? that is the question… life is short, and this world is very sad. i wish i had never had an abortion… i will live with that for the rest of life, my child would of been 35 yrs. back in the day 1970’s it was very hard on people who was from different back grounds, and i did go against my family cause it was my life not theirs, it was hard but you learn to deal with things as you will have to learn in life how to deal with the world. It will make you or break you. you have a man who loves you and wants to marry you, marriage is not perfect nor raising children you have to work at it every day of your life for the rest of your life. a child is a blessing from God alot of times we always don’t know the reason why but he does. That baby that you are carrying in you is a part of you and him, that baby has feelings also even now, when you concevied your baby it was not out of rape, nor hate, nor bitterness, it was love, and the love from a child there is of no words that can express that feeling that a mother can feel and can not explain. even to this day I can remember every little thing from my children even though now they are all married and i have 5 grand children and one on the way. i can not express to you the importents of discieions that you to are going to have to make as a parents, they are not always easy, but you will have so many joys. to this day the only thing that i regurat is my unborn. i am happy and even though my children are of different back grounds i don’t care about that, i only care about the love, respect, loyit, honor, that they and their sponses have for each other, as long as either one is putting there hands on each other in the wrong kind of way, cheating and all the bad things in life. believe me they don’t have perfect marriages, but do have good marriages and there is no such thing as aperfect family nor marriage it takes work……. you both are young to be having a child right now, but and i say but it is for a reason now to have, as far as your education of what you both may want, if you want it which in this day of day you need your education very much so, you too still can do it, plans have change for the moment, but not to worry, there is all kinds of help out there in that. The both of yous need to really still down and talk, it is so important to always keep the lines of commucations open with each other. last word from my point of view keep your baby and get married….

  354.  #354dawn on May 2, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Daria , The money you are getting is great now focus on how grateful you are for recieving it. Because money has a neutral energy you have to give to receive. With all that said im proud of you for believing in yourself. If there is someone you know that could use a kind ear, a flower… anything to show the universe your intent you WILL get what you desire. We are all in this together . thousands of miles away Im rooting for you , in fact im fairly sure we all are.

  355.  #355dawn on May 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Daria, Email me at dawncpc@rogers.com. Ive got tons of ideas for you . I just got called back to work. Maybe go back in one week. Lets put our heads together and get you that job you deserve.

  356.  #356dawn on May 2, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Jennifer , You are a rock star now go with it ! dont lose your power use it . It was only sex. Kinda feels good to be on the other side doesnt it . HA ! Good for you !

  357.  #357Simply Shannon on May 2, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Okay, really quickly to answer Mackenzie and EternalOptimist(?) I think that’s who asked. I am in that place of which you speak. I love Mr. Fab Kisser but I won’t be exclusive with him. I got off my horse for a bit (not dating others) but I’m back on it now.

    He just wrote me a card pretty much asking me to consider marrying him. I know he wants to ask me. This is his insecurity.

    And the real kicker is that I’m not 100% sure I want him to ask me. How is that for law of attraction!?!

    Shit. I feel scared. Scared to tell him no. Scared to really listen to God when he tells me Mr. Fab Kisser is not the one. Is it really God or is it me and my fear?

    I feel stuck and confused and tired.

    I also feel resolved. I must tell him how I’m feeling. I must tell him how uncertain I am. I feel like the bad boyfriends I’ve had who never told me shit and then dumped my ass or cheated on me when I least expected it. I mean, he kind of knows I feel unsure but he doesn’t know that when we kiss I don’t feel turned on. I feel nothing. My mouth feels good but I don’t feel like excited. Is that just because my mind won’t allow my body to be turned on because I don’t want to have sex.

    Thinking, thinking, thinking. Fuck.

    I feel tired.

    Open your hands Shannon. Release control. Surrender this to God. Just tell him what you’re thinking. Do not be afraid.

    Do not be afraid.

    Be bold.

    Yeah. Whatever. I think I’ll take a bath and drink some wine tonight.

    Yeah. A warm bath would feel nice.

    Avoidance feels good at this moment.

  358.  #358Simply Shannon on May 2, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    And Mr. Masculine is still hanging around. He asks me out randomly but I see him for who he is now and I’m just not feelin’ it for him either.

    I am one messed up cookie.

    I totally and completely love myself.

    I mean that. This shit is not life or death, so why does it feel that way? Like every decision is going to make or break me. IT IS NOT.

    I feel strong but I feel weak.

    I feel resolved but I feel confused.

    Swimming in the soup here.

    Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…

  359.  #359EternalOptimist on May 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Wow Shannon…I’m not sure what to say! It kinda feels good to know that someone you love wants to commit to you. Thumbs up to circular dating!
    I’ll pray for clarity for you.

  360.  #360mary on May 3, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Hmmmm… Simply Shannon.

    I feel happy that Mr. Fab Kisser loves you, and Mr. Masculine is still hanging around. And I know you’ll make a good decision! It seems like you know what to do… back off and take a warm bath. Chill for a while… it’ll probably come to you.

    I feel sure you’ll “just know.”

  361.  #361dawn on May 3, 2010 at 4:21 am

    Shannon, Listen to your heart and it wont let you down. Consider that you are growing and on a good path. There is no hurry so take your time.

  362.  #362Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Dawn, RE: #228 – Hello, I am sorry, I am not sure which of my comments you are referring to. I mean no disrespect to anyone.

  363.  #363Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Daria, RE: #259 – Cover Letter

    My cover letter was prepared by a professional place. Would it help you for me to post it and then you make it yours?

  364.  #364Kismet on May 3, 2010 at 11:56 am

    had you in my thoughts, just a few things on the mind.
    just remember to think from with in your soul, not with your heart nor with your mind, but with the very root of your soul. you know in life we chose our paths, and they may not be the right ones, even though we think that they are. the path we chose is the one for the rest of our lives. we always need and are afraid to ask for guidance from above of what it is that you are to do and the direction to go on the right way. some times life deals us a wrong hand but yet for that moment in time that is what is suppose to be, for that season. and yet we decide that is this the hand that I want and even if we go with it and it looks good or great, it may not be, you know things always happen for a reason, some in our control and some not in our control. just like lessons learnt and some not yet come or we are right in the mist of it now. it’s like sweet and bitter taste, we tend to go after the sweet but yet we want that little taste of bitterness.
    sometimes we get lost and can’t find our way that is when we need help we need to ask.
    some people stay with someone for all the wrong reasons, like health reasons, family, finances, so you stay with some one and knowing that you are not happy, you can’t trust, you don’t love, you can’t get pass something, you feel obligated to support, needing to seek help for them, for so many wrong reasons or because you think that is the right thing to do, or you do it because everyone said’s to, to make them happy
    these are things that don’t help any one at all, for who ever is in involved, that is when bitterness and resentment steps in. when you look at that other person all you see is what happen and can’t get pass it no matter how hard you try, it takes a while, it’s like death. it’s hurts, the pain and ugliness of it all, that in time it gets easier but you never really for get it, of all the drama that came right with it.
    so we really have to think with is really best for all whom are involved., or do we stay together for the best because of the children, or do we go our seperate ways and try to stay on good terms friends and yet to stay at peace within our own self’s.
    when you love or in love with some one your mind, body, hugs and kisses, every thing about you are there’s and when you say that you don’t do this cause it is fake it is because all of you to include your soul, your body, your love, your touching, the true you, are still bonded with that other person.
    I have never felt my true fansticie, it is to have the touch of true intimacy of going to the full point of intimacy in the passion of truly caressing to be in so in tune that our bodies are on top of a mountain with fire and no water can put it out, some thing like we have never felt or experience before. the touch of our true inter soul. lessons very well learnt and never want to repeat it again, so what do we do, we can’t be with some one and keep the pass in with the present cause all it does is hurt the person your with. Change is so important to include our younger years.
    I can really say that I have help paid the way in this time frame for all nationalities to be able to be together, I know how it feels to be look upon as trash, how dare you, you are a disgrace to your kind, a cast out of your own family, to be spike upon, to be not able to get a job because, nor a place to live, and everything and anything you can think of but in the mist of it all I have never held that against any one, but the only time was if you did anything to may babies, or to some one that I care about. I have always told my children that it does not matter who you marry no matter what nationality, race etc. because I can’t have you live your life in the way of what I want you to, you have to live your own lives, no one is perfect no matter who you are, and if they say they are, get away from that person as quit as you can, for they will hurt you. I know that pain to well. but times have change to a greater point, and people who stay back to all that stuff are in denial and engirt
    my temper is bad but by the grace of God he has been able to show me how to be clam most of the time, and it is hard but it is so easy.
    so all I am saying to you is that don’t let any one or any body tell you different, you do what it is for you to do, down down deep and deeper in your soul. close your eyes and breath, listen to the wind, let your mind be clam and let your soul take control.
    for the decisions of your path that you decide now will be for the rest of your life. you need to think of what it is that you want…………..not what is best, in order for you to be happy and every one else, you have to be happy first.
    things will work out like they are suppose to. talk to God hear him, get deep with in him just take one day where every your at and just be still.
    no matter what you decide know this, God will always be here no matter what.

  365.  #365Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Daria, RE: #275 – Hi, when I was homeless for 7 months, the most fun portion of it was when I found a completely secretive place to camp in the woods next to a lake (I knew the property, and I drove down the edge of a field and over a hill, so the hill blocked the view of me from the lane). I had a 10′ x 12′ tent, and I put my queen size mattress in it! That made it really comfy, and it kept me up off the ground when it rained and got wet inside. I put a commode outside the tent and that made it really comfy to use the bathroom! I took baths in the lake, and I had lawn chairs there and a cooler for my food. I got candles with citronella for bugs. It felt really free, and I loved sleeping with the moonlight on me.

  366.  #366Daria on May 3, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Brenda – yeah when i was homeless, it felt fun to be able to drive everywhere i wanted and not have to answer to anyone.

    i remember feeling really free and GOOD. and i want that.

    i felt guilty for feeling that way though, and afraid that ill keep manifesting homelessness in order to feel that way

  367.  #367Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Daria, I can relate to your last comment. It felt good to me, too. After 7 months of it and feeling like an unwanted pigeon being shooed on from everywhere, and being treated like I wasn’t a worthwhile human being, it was a day of celebration when I moved into my new apartment 2 yrs ago…with my two precious German Shepherds! I had survived. And now I thrive. I still feel a part of me tho that is looking for a private place in the woods. I like the freedom, but I feel I like the stability more, even tho it doesn’t always feel normal. Nor does being loved by a man feel normal. Doesn’t mean it’s bad. Means I’ve been underpriveleged. So I decided to stay in my home and acknowledge that I am worthy of taking up space. I deserve to have a home. I deserve stability. I can enjoy owning furniture and things because I am a worthwhile human being.

    Daria, even tho you were sharing a huge list of worries up above, I saw you as so beautiful in the midst of it. I feel for you, and I have been there. I still struggle financially, cuz now I am footing both an apartment and a car payment, etc. But I have been there feeling such a total lack and need. Feels insecure. Praying for you and believing in you. You are a beautiful woman.

  368.  #368Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Mackenzie, RE: #326 & 345 – I am most definitely still in process too, and I am still figuring out the dynamics of boy-girl relationships. I can only tell you what I experienced with Ryan. We were already nonverbally exclusive last year when I started to listen to Rori’s CD seminars.

    His style was to communicate nonverbally or indirectly, like, “What are you doing?” each time he called. Or I’d receive a call, “Who was that?” Once I went in the bathroom to Q-tip my ears, cuz I didn’t want to do it in front of him. The Q-tips weren’t in there, so I popped right back out and caught him scrolling thru my caller ID list on my home phone. When I checked my phone later, his parents’ phone number had been deleted from there. Yet he denied it. He said many other things that made it clear he wanted my sole devotion, AND that he gave me his.

    So by the time I learned about circular dating, I just thought about it at a distance and didn’t apply it. Rori was right: I had given him too much power. And, yes, I was in love with him. I didn’t WANT to circular date. So I kept on with my exclusive relationship, and he toyed with my emotions, and he hurt me really bad last summer. After that, I told him, among other things, I am going to continue to date until I have a ring on my finger. I wasn’t trying to hurt him…I was trying to be up front with him. But he hurt me in retaliation, making a point to tell me about every woman who was around him when we were on the phone, etc.

    I proved Rori correct, I believe, and now I am sold on circular dating! Rori, I appreciate your wisdom! How do you feel about what I said, Mackenzie?

  369.  #369Brenda on May 3, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Rachel, RE: #314 – Mixed Feelings

    The CD seminars say women are typically a soup of emotions. One example Rori gave in the program (forget which one) is a woman is angry because he hasn’t called yet she’s happy to hear him, etc. Rori suggested saying something like, “I feel so happy to hear your voice, and I’m a bit mad and confused, too.”
    He might say, “Why are you confused?”
    “I felt angry with you for not calling me but now I feel happy, and a hug would feel so good right now!”

    Right about the time I heard that, I was feeling just that, so I tried it. Along with that, she suggests physically communicating your feelings with your body. In this case, she said you could just drop your head and lean it against his chest. Or cover your heart with your hand, where the pain is. Or drop to the floor, if that expresses how you feel. I dropped my head to his chest, and I sensed he immediately picked up a different vibe with me and really probed me, asking, “What’s going on?” I felt really responded to, and that felt good.

    I feel mixed feelings are beautiful and normal and I love it when Daria expresses mixed feelings, embracing them all.

  370.  #370Apple Jacks on May 3, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Just came back from gorcery shopping and am exhuasted and dizzy and overwhelmed. Daria you were homeless? I gotta catch up on these posts! My bro has to use it. I’ll see you guys in just a few! *waves* BRB

  371.  #371EarthDancer on May 3, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    @Kismet: beautifully said … your words are so heartfelt and lovely 😉

  372.  #372Daria on May 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Apple Jacks – this was a long time ago, and it was for a few months. Quite exciting and fun really, I didn’t want to live at home anymore…

    I felt like I was causing problems for my parents, my dad had said that because of me they were getting a divorce (they didn’t) so i was like oh no i gotta go.

    And i went hehe. I ran into my girl and me and her went on an adventure for a few months, then I wound up moving back home.

  373.  #373kathy on May 3, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I am sorry Kismet, but what i say to you and every one else, always take time out to reach down in to your soul, and for that is where the peace laids

  374.  #374Apple Jacks on May 3, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Daria – thank you for sharing that with me. Gosh you made me feel so moved tonight within just a few minutes of reading this blog. I feel excited and relaxed at the same time. It’s been a roller coaster of a day that’s for sure. *Inhale……Ex-haaaaaaaaale*

  375.  #375Slim on August 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I have been following Rori for quite a while, bought the “Have the Relationship You Want” e-book, and this is the first time I have came to the blog. I can totally relate the the topic of “Traped in a dream of love” , please let me explain, and then feel free to respond.

    I am active duty in the military. In January 2005, while stationed in DC, I “saw” the most physically, gorgeous man I have ever seen in my life standing across the hall from me, we will call him Mr. Wonderful. I was in total awe of him and his presence, which was very shocking for me.
    In the summer of 2005, I transferred to an independent duty location (overseas, no family), and I saw Mr. Wonderful. My friend knew him personally, and convinced me to talk to him. We instantly hit it off, and I was totally infatuated. Mr. Wonderful became my official “dream man”. I believed that God had sent this man to my life so that I could see that men like Mr. Wonderful really did exist (I had not been in a relationship for almost three years – I was concentrating on myself and my sons after my divorce). We hung out a lot, and started working out together. It seemed like we were perfect for one another, then after a lazy day at the beach he let me know that he had someone at home – which he choose not to mention when we first met, but not only did he have someone – he didn’t mention was that he had a wife. He stated he lied because he knew that I would not hang out with him. I was crushed, and stopped talking to him immediately. Before he left a few months later, he called me out of the blue apologizing, and asking if we could start over, he missed being my friend (I found this entry in a journal from a few years ago). But I had already started dating someone else, and to be honest I was still bitter and felt betrayed.
    Well, six weeks ago I had to go back to the same area, and my second day there —-Mr. Wonderful ran into me. I was speechless, and he looked amazing, but I controlled myself, because I remembered how we ended our last conversation, and thought he was still married. Two and a half weeks ago, Mr. Wonderful came up to me (I would see him in the gym constantly and would only say a casual hello), and we started talking. He admitted that he was no longer married, and I have since gotten out of a very emotionally abusive relationship.
    So we slowly started talking, and after morning workouts would have breakfast together three times a week. He told me seeing me again after all this time brought back a lot of good memories for him. We have never had anything physical, but since having breakfasts, we would flirt with ideas back and forth about going on vacation to somewhere exotic together. And instead of being casual at the gym, he was now asking when I was going to be working out, and making it a point to let me know he had arrived, and telling me good bye when he was leaving.
    Well, I left last Thursday to come back home. As normal, we had breakfast and I made a comment about it taking another 5 years for us to see each other, and he responded that he wouldn’t let that happen. He gave me his work and (one of his) personal email addresses. Then before I left for the airport, he came by to hang out with me. We were in my hotel room having a good time, when my ride came. Mr. Wonderful was helping me with the rest of my bags, and we were on our way to the car, he had to put his hat on (he was in his uniform, and left work to come say good bye to me). But when he did, it was not straight so I offered to fix it for him, and started for the stairs with my back to him. Then before I knew it, I turned back around and kissed him. He began kissing me back —–and yes it was amazing, and I almost dropped my bags and threw my arms around him. Then I realized we were kissing in public, and he was in his uniform (totally against military rules). I reluctantly pulled away, and he made a comment that the kiss made him weak in the knees, and that it was a really good kiss. Before I got into the car he said we would talk this weekend, and a comment that maybe when I get back he would have to come and see me, or maybe we could go on a trip somewhere together next summer.
    Well, I got back and sent him an email. He didn’t respond. I called him last night, and we were talking – I misjudged the time difference, and it was during the middle of the day for him, and he assured me it was a good time for him to talk. Our conversation was going well, and he made mention that he received my email, and that he was going to email me back, but he was just busy. Then someone needed him to do something, and he stated he would email me back. I haven’t had an email yet.
    So here I am thinking about this incredible guy, My Dream Guy in every way, and I feel gitty like a school girl – and I am 42, he is 34. I don’t get like this around guys, I mean I am intelligent, and meeting guys is not hard for me, but for the most part usually they are just looking at my body, and having meaningful conversations is not a priority. It is weird for the first time, I just want to talk to someone all of the time, and I actually miss this guy, even though I haven’t seen him in 5 years, and we only had breakfast together a couple of times a week for the past two weeks. I mean, even my ex tries to talk to me, and I don’t return his calls, and I have blocked his emails from my personal account, but he also emails me at work. But I am past that relationship because I so deserve better, and for the first time I don’t feel like I should shun men after a bad breakup. I am more happy and feel free now that my ex is out of my life.
    I am really struggling about Mr. Wonderful. I am getting ready to go on deployment in a few weeks, and I don’t expect for Mr. Wonderful and I to get married tomorrow, but I would love to see where it could lead. I am great at having long distance relationships, and after my deployment I could totally retire from the military and move anywhere. I guess my question is…….Am I really stuck in a dream of love with this man, or am I just running after a commitment phobic man because I am? Or the worse, is he just not into me, and he was just being nice to me over the last couple of weeks?

    I would love to get your response. As I talked to a guy friend last night, and he was the one who suggested that I “follow up” with Mr. Wonderful, to which I made the phone call. Please help!!!!!! I don’t want to put myself out there and chase after a guy who doesn’t want me. As I know the feeling, and it irritates me when I try to drop clues that I am not interested, and a guy pursues me anyway to the point that I have to be almost rude. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation for me and the other person. Now I am worried that this is karma, and the shoe is on the other foot.

    Yuk, this totally sucks!!! Let me know what you think.

  376.  #376Rori Raye on August 29, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Slim – Wonderful or no – if he’s not WITH you – he’s useless to you. And pining after him will keep you alone. So – if you can just date the men who are around and available (I know you move around a lot, and it’s hard – but people do it…) you’ll be SO much happier. If he shows up one day – great – but please don’t wait around for him or chase him down. Love, Rori

  377.  #377Tennille on September 25, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    HI everyone, I need help,
    Im in love with someone who doesn’t love me back…we dated i guess you could say for 3 wks when he told me he was confused about his feelings for another girl he was chasing prior to me but told me he liked me morew but didn’t want to be unfair on me….we talked about it he seemed pretty ashamed and upset with the whole situation. i bought this of course and told him id wait it out…he then tells me a week later that he thinks its all too hard and wants to be single.. I say ok thats your loss and my lucky break and walk away from him….i don’t text him or anything hardly talk to him (we also work together) he then starts texting me when he’s away on a long weekend…i text back for a few hrs back and forth then text him once thru the week he respondes then i leave it..he txts me wanting to know what im doing for two weekends after that i was out camoing last weekend i mention we were drinking and he drives out to come camping with us at 11pm i ignore him as he arrives then he grabs my attention with flirtying etc..i take the bait and he suggest we have sex..i tell him no and say he really hurt me from the break-up and he tells me he was upset and wasn’t talking to me because he was under the impression i was having a sexual realtionship with someone else which was highly untrue i take this as he cares and continue making out with him his friends spot us and it becomes awkard and we just stop..next day at work his friend pulls me aside and tells me Brad has asked him to tell me he doesn’t feel the same about me as i do him… and he wanted him to tell me cause he didn’t want to upset me…..hurt by this i send him a text the next day saying “thanks for sending ur mate to be your messenger” and basically told him i wasn’t in love with him and to have a nice day (i was soo hurt) he was the one reaching out to me, which i had pointed out to his mate..who responeded with “yes i know, i’ve told him not to lead you on Tennille if he’s not interested” after all this i still have strong feelings for this guy…as i know he is really a lovely shy guy who doesn’t like being mean….i then ask him if he really did send hismate to confront me and hes denies it??

    i then spot him looking at me on a few occasions at work..there is no actual need for him to do this so to be sure he’s looking at me i smile toward him and he smiles back..expecting a text all this weekend from him after this left me even more hurt when i learn he was goin on a date on friday night.. i now have to face Brad at work tomorrow…i feel hurt by his spineless behaviour..that he clearly wanted to have this other girls cake and eat mine too…i feel ashamed i let him fool me into believing he liked me…i still want him after all this 🙁 how can i react to him at work..in our social group i wont him to feel regret for treating me like this and for missing out on a great relationship???

    thank you for listening…I need some advice.
    From Tennille

  378.  #378Jacquie on September 3, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Hi Rori. Does your advice also relate to relationships with women?

  379.  #379Rick on October 10, 2011 at 9:56 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.

  380.  #380Pat on November 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    I am reading through the blog for the first time.
    Most of the ‘relationships’ of these women who write in seem to be very rushed. My opinion is that if love is there, it will be there in the future. Long distance relationships are flakey; you don’t know what each other is doing, and then you imagine what he may be doing. The mystery of such a relationship is intriging, but in the meantime (while he isn’t sure what he wants) it really is better to keep an open mind, and date other people. Even though you may be confused about anothers’ feelings, they are also confused, and have their own growth issues to deal with. Personally I would always strive to know more, about others and myself, rather then put your life on hold and all that energy into someone based on intrigue. Too much mystery only allows you to fill in the blanks, and the blanks aren’t always perfect once you know him. He left out the bad stuff, only showed you the good! But Amy, I feel you gave too much detail, not leaving enough mystery. He would love you with or without children, and he used it as an excuse if you are leaning forward too much. The need for intensity and closeness he will see as neediness, if you aren’t done working on yourself..