WhenThe Intimacy Is Gone – And Another Woman Enters The Picture – What To Do?

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heartonbellylargeHere’s a question from KC about her marriage situation that’s both common and awful – and involves another woman. You may not agree with my answer – so here goes:

“Hi Rori,
I have what to me seems a strange situation and yet I wonder if it’s becoming more common.
My husband of 23 years came to me one day and asked if it would be ok if he and a co-worker (someone I had had over to dinner a few times and was friendly with) could be more than friends and become intimate. At the same time, he assured me that they hadn’t done anything yet and that he didn’t want to lose me.

Also, he said that our relationship is still first priority to him (really?) and he loves me very much, yet feels that he is capable of loving two women at the same time and is polyamorous. And she is fine with this arrangement (being second). In anger I told them both that they could do what they like (discreetly for the sake of me and our kids) as I wanted out as soon as I could.

Now I wasn’t happy with our relationship for a few years before, as I felt him being less and less a part of our family and I know that I was going between telling him that I needed more (he said earlier that he felt there was no problem) and pulling away myself.

When this happened I was angry and scared to death as I was just 51 with two kids nearing college and had been a stay at home mom for the last 18 years.

At the same time I was dealing with issues with my oldest child and the sickness and death of a close family member I was caring for, so I just wanted as close to status quo as I could get. My hope was also that he would change his mind. We stayed in the same house but have separate bedrooms.

A couple of times we did talk about going back to our “normal” marriage yet he told me he was worried about her feelings and that he wanted me to “tell” him to leave (like I’m his mom???). I told him he had to be a man and decide for himself. It felt as if he wanted a guarantee with me before he would end it with her.

Though I still feel love for him and wish that we could stay together as a family, I feel distrustful of getting back with him and rebuilding our relationship when he hasn’t ended it with her yet and is asking me to tell him to do so. Does this seem ridiculous to anyone else as well?

Thanks for your help!”

My Answer:

KC – This is a powerful situation – and if I was to talk with you personally, I would be amazed that you even care that he wants to have a sexually intimate relationship with another women – when he doesn’t have one with you, and it seems you don’t want that.

And, I may get booed for this – but going just from your letter, in my book – he gets super gold stars for bringing the situation to you rather than just cheating and lying.

What, exactly, to you, is your “normal” marriage?

The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman.

No one says we have to be married. No one says we have to be in a relationship.

Certainly no one says we have to be in a relationship with a man.

AND if that’s what we want – then romance and sex is part of the deal.

Otherwise, you’re just in a friendship – and that seems rocky, too, in your situation.

Have you seen the film Hope Springs, with Meryl Streep? I found it to be quite powerful.

Please, please don’t shut him down.

Please work with the ebook and Modern Siren.

Please rethink what you want in this life, right now.

Do you want to have a threesome?

Do you want polyamory?

Do you want a man at all?

Do you want to be alone?

Do you have meaningful work you can do?

Are you prepared to change your life around 100%?

You can fix this – and it’s going to take a huge leap and some new skills, a willingness to walk away, and a willingness to embark on something new.

If this other woman is too embedded in his mind and heart to let go of…then your options are limited.

*I almost never put this link on the blog in a comment or post – and if you’re working with the Have The Relationship You Want ebook, Modern Siren, Love Scripts, and other of my programs, and in addition to that you want to work with me for an hour – here’s how you book a phone or Skype session, and we’ll explore what it is you really want and put together a plan to get it: http://www.coachrori.com/private-coaching/

Love, Rori


  1.  #1IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 7:06 am

    I feel unbelievably sad reading this post and it scares me.

    It scares me because what happens to two people after 23 years of being together?

    I feel sad because she feels anger, she feels SOMETHING, and yet it feels like she gave up on him YEARS AGO and is only reacting now that he wants “one foot in the door and one other” type marriage, which to me, isn’t a marriage at all.

    I actually admire this man for being brave enough to speak up to his wife, telling her the truth, asking her permission.

    Communicating about this desire is the loving and honest thing to do.

    This feels like a tragic story about a marriage that died years ago, where the two people inside it are no longer working on it, and are keeping it together for merely practical reasons.

    and I think a lot of marriage IS practical.

    but it’s also supposed to be a place of growing together in all ways, love, sex, and intimacy.

    those aspects of marriage are not supposed to die.

    otherwise it would be a mere friendship…

    The wife is angry, she obviously cares very deeply for her husband, and he for her.

    but it looks like they’ve both been apathedic up until this point, and have chosen to let their marriage die…

    and that’s sad to me…

  2.  #2IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 7:13 am

    I wonder how he would feel if she asked his permission to be intimate with another man?

    I almost feel like he’s asking her to fight for him, asking her, “do you still want me at all?”

    They sound like they’re both wondering if they should give up or fight…

    and his request, and her writing of this letter shows me that they both still want to fight for their marriage, but they just need to meet in the middle somehow…

  3.  #3IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 7:19 am

    the b1ble teaches that G0D hates divorce.

    Does anyone really like divorce?

    I’ve heard “so thankful for our divorce, but it was h3ll.”

    and people talk about how divorcing was the right thing to do, but I have a really hard time believing that.

    I always feel like I can feel pain or sadness or something not right inside of those claiming such things.

    but that could be my own feelings and projections of those feelings onto others…

    I’m actually sitting here crying I feel so sad…

  4.  #4April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 7:25 am

    I think she can turn her marriage around with Rori’s tools.

    And I’d like to ask how much unhappiness she was willing to put up with in the marriage, before this situation arose.

  5.  #5Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 7:54 am

    I don’t understand this.

    Did the separate bedrooms happen before or after his announcement of wanting to sleep with another woman?

    Also “Now I wasn’t happy with our relationship for a few years before, as I felt him being less and less a part of our family and I know that I was going between telling him that I needed more ”
    Now I wasn’t happy with our relationship for a few years before, as I felt him being less and less a part of our family and I know that I was going between telling him that I needed more (he said earlier that he felt there was no problem) and pulling away myself.

    When this happened I was angry and scared to death as I was just 51 with two kids nearing college and had been a stay at home mom for the last 18 years.

    At the same time I was dealing with issues with my oldest child and the sickness and death of a close family member I was caring for, so I just wanted as close to status quo as I could get. My hope was also that he would change his mind. We stayed in the same house but have separate bedrooms.”

    This sounds awful.

    This doesn’t sound like this man was was really there for his wife and family.

    Rori you say. “The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman.”

    In what way? Surely it takes two? And a compatibility of desire and wants from both parties involved? Why is it in the hands of the woman? What am I missing? I don’t get what you mean? What do you mean by intimacy? Sexual? emotional communication? both?

  6.  #6Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 7:55 am

    April Rose – It has been my experience and observation that women will put up with a lot. The fear of change can often supersede the pain and unhappiness.

    She certainly can turn this around; she has to want to though.


  7.  #7Daria on May 30, 2013 at 7:56 am

    ugh so this is kinda like me too

    ok so now i feel pist

    theres no texts from him – nv of course i was RIGHT that he could barely get away from me

    just 2 weeks ago i felt the undeniable pull toward me and then i havent been feeling it as strong anymore

    and now i feel like im demoted to just some girl whos a bit psycho now

    im worried i created all this


    and thats been the situation for YEARS!


    id rather kill myself

    i dont want to do that but i want to like ‘opt out’ of life often

    like im just tired of waking up and thinking – another day of nothing

    the date last nite felt not so great

    im so pist

    my self esteem is like WAY below

    toilet damn near

    whereas it was sky high most of the past few years
    for me

    i mean

    i dont like my body, i dont like my spirit

    i wonder how CAN he find me attractive, im not finding myself attractive right now

    i want to zero him out and plan on not answering his texts

    i want something to happen OUTSIDE like meet a new man that i start having sex with

    i feel glad im exploring all these issues before im married

    i wonder if i would violently kill my husband in a marriage if these issues came up then

    i feel so angry!

    im humiliated to think he no longer craves me like i always felt he did


    what if it NEVER turns around?


    just sitting here with all this ICK inside of me sux

    oh yeah i told myself id start doing my Female Deer Exercises to begin a practtice of caring for myself sexually

    i feel so needy of soothing man attention

  8.  #8Daria on May 30, 2013 at 7:56 am

    i dont want to think of him as a man whos playing me

    but i am

    but what i like about him is his openess and innocence/honesty

    kinda like in the letter

  9.  #9Jessie1000 on May 30, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Never submit to crumbs. If a man offers you crumbs, half a destructive partnership and another woman to compete with, then walk away. Maybe hes so used to you giving to him that he might think you would be willing to eat Sh** lol and thats an awful place to be. Trust me men might assume that their life will be awesome if you were gone but its not always true…mostly its not true.
    In his mind, he might test your love for him. Maybe she just wants my money and does not care about me at all….I think we test things alot subconsciously without realizing it.
    I have had both my husbands sit down and tell me how much they hate me and how happy they would be without me and low and behold in a month or two they were crying at my door. Divorce, seperation, and breaking up is way harder than it looks. The guy might think you wont replace him if he lets you go and he can have 2 women for one buck!!! lol Show him hes not in control of you, have a fun time, enjoy the single life, freedom, get your hair done, get your nails done, go on a boat, take a vacaction, (get some money from the long relationship), eat some lobster, buy new heels, go on coffee dates with mysterious doctors and lawyers who want a sexy undomesticated woman!!
    I love Blurred lines the song by Robin Thicke….its all about being an animal and not gettin domesticated!!

    Look at the lyrics
    Be a star
    Be a rock star
    Be alone and experience the triumph
    Depend on your sisters
    Got no sisters, make a sisterhood
    Get a babysitter and go to a club
    Start a career
    Enjoy your career
    Love your boss
    Do something!!!
    Kisses everyone

  10.  #10Vi on May 30, 2013 at 7:57 am

    I notice that I feel scared kind of shrinking into myself reading ‘what you want in your life ‘ question.. I love my fear. I love it very much. I love me even if I feel fear.

  11.  #11Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 7:58 am

    I would like to hear more of this womans story, there just isn’t enough to go on to know the whole story.

  12.  #12Jessie1000 on May 30, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Text him
    The rule of Rori’s not to text is not the Bible.
    I texted my friend the other day cause I was at work and he loved it!!
    He said you care about me!
    He texted me after that all night long
    Tonight we going to make out in his house.
    So…if you love him?
    If you want to get some ass?
    If you just need some strong bonds of intimacy and dont want to lose a friend…you can still text him.
    Just guage his response as it is…if he answers…great.
    If he doesnt answer, its cause hes dumb.
    Your hot.
    Your a diva.
    Your sexy.
    Its a free world, you can text people and especially if hes kind of dumb and doesnt know that you care that much.
    Some men know it.
    Some men have only 2 clues and you know where those are…lost and looking…lol
    Dont be sad Daria!!

  13.  #13Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:08 am

    oh ruth thank you for posting that poem for the hole in the street

    im in tears now

    im still at number 2

    242: ruth says:

    regarding rabbit holes

    Chapter 1

    I walk down the street

    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    I fall in…
    I am lost, I am helpless
    It isn’t my fault
    It takes forever to find a way out

    Chapter 2

    I walk down the same street
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    I pretend not to see it
    I fall in again
    I can’t believe I am in the same place
    But isn’t my fault
    It still takes a long time to get out.


    i pretend not to see it!

    I can’t believe im in the same place!

    I feel like I did with Guywho… i have this implicit love and trust for this man … and yet i get the feeling he’s playing me – hes aware that he’s causing me pain and he’s actually able to make decisions while watching me flounder and me thinking stuff is ‘just happening’ –

    and its just a vague thought but it turned out to be true!

    and i had a shot with Guywho as he was gaga over me at first before i turned intense(nv-psycho) and gaga over him!

    and maybe thats whats happening with Security now!

    and maybe i can stop it

    i can still pull back

    but if he texts me, ill be so happy and thrilled i know ill want to communicate

    i can do both

    i can handle this now

    maybe im coming out the rabbit hole

  14.  #14Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:10 am

    6: Dominique

    “April Rose – It has been my experience and observation that women will put up with a lot. The fear of change can often supersede the pain and unhappiness. ”

    I agree Dominque. Although would say it is more than the fear of change when children and huge finances are tied up together. It also comes down to what is practically financially realistic best option for all parties involved.

    From my observations, women involved with families, do what is best for the family as a whole with the real life circumstances that are thrown at them and most of the time are just getting on with it and getting through the day.

    “At the same time I was dealing with issues with my oldest child and the sickness and death of a close family member I was caring for,”

    To say that the quality of the intimacy is in the woman hands, feels like kicking this woman in the teeth on top of what she already appears to be dealing with. It felt awful reading that.

  15.  #15Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 8:19 am

    “In anger I told them both that they could do what they like”

    I always wonder why women tell men they can go do whatever. Particularly in these circumstances. I have heard of so many cases where the woman end up regretting it. sigh…

    He obviously did what he was told. So now he wants to be told to end it, why not tell him? Is this the type of relationship where the man acts like a kid and the woman gets to act like an adult? There are so many roles that people play with each other that if I was the writer I would really look at how I might have contributed to the situation. I have seen women here discuss about being comfortable with threesomes.

    Maybe agreeing to allow him to be intimate with someone else was then seen as an escape route from that responsibility. By the way IAMHIS I see the story of Hagar and Sarah as a bit similar to this.

  16.  #16Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Jessie – I texted him 3 i love you like texts last nite, even after he didnt respond at all to the “i made it home :)” in the afternoon right after we parted when i was worried about making it home on low gas

    i usually do Not text him first, it was an experiment because i told him i feel good when i get his texts and he said that makes 2 of us… as in he feels good too…

    so i did that and i also got ‘effusive’ texting as i called it with a couple other men – getright – over texts, but kinda intense feeling about stuff i feel frustrated over that is keeping us apart *sexual difs*

    so … yah

    dead horse

    i feel pretty calm right now actually

  17.  #17Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Thanks JEssie

    Hugs back

  18.  #18Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:23 am

    now i feel sad again!

    well at least i know my heart can still feel intense passion!

    how do i take these situations where the men are so into me and turn them into low self esteem im chasing them situations?

    i am gonna stop

    seriously im gonna stop

    if i stop going to him, he wont come to me, and it will be the end

    and if he comes to me, it will be different

  19.  #19Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:27 am

    if i feel like punching a man does tha mean its over? i usually think it does or that it pre-bodes doom

    like its suposed to be easy from the get, when theres this much issues already its not gonna work

    but that isnt helpful either

    things can turn on a dime with men

    i can even though i dont believe i can meet a man and feel close w him and have regular sex

    you CANT!

    theres still only so many men that i meet that i feel like i could be close to!

    and many i meet that i feel indifferent toward nd they only sometimes grow on me

    im just tired!

    i was just dating Nice CD for how many months and we couldnt have sex! tho we had great dating…


  20.  #20Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:29 am

    i feel guilty that im asking Security for more than he can give

    i KNOW he doesnt have money to take care of me!

    or come see me

    or even take care of himself totaly

    i just WANT it to work despite all that

    and he does too and when i feel sad he feels sad and like its not gonna work or something i dont know what he feels but


    i dont want this to be an obstacle

  21.  #21Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 8:30 am

    My hope was also that he would change his mind.

    This to me is a clue. A clue to explore internally what was going on. It is his life yes but how can he be taught how to treat his wife? Is he also fearful of losing his “life”?

    The quality of intimacy has to be discussed and agreed upon. It seems he was willing to speak up for what he wanted. It seems the writer went into the flight/fright response by getting angry and running away.

    Reminds me of Gay Hendricks’ story when he told Katie that he had met a younger woman and was highly attracted to her. The woman was willing to explore intimacy with him and he seemed to have been open to it because he also brought the situation to the attention of his wife. Who discussed it with him and cried, letting him know that she could not remain sexually open to him if explored that with the other woman.

    I see Rori encouraging women “You Have to Talk About it”. Unfortunately many women go around with the deluded idea that once a man is married to them he is no longer attracted to other women. I believe it is great when a man is open about his internal workings and it seems from my experience that many men will drop their wives clues about these things. Woman tend to go to ultimatums, begging or threatening rather than negotiating and telling men how they feel about these things and what they want in their life (what would make us happy). Also I sincerely believe that it is in these situations that our intuition serves us best. Men know about women’s intuition and that it can reveal such things to us. Maybe it is one reason why so many of them choose to talk about other woman.

  22.  #22Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:35 am

    i feel smily reading a pof message and responding…

    maybe this won’t be so hard after all

  23.  #23Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:37 am

    NV – i guess i better hope that my pussy and head is good enough (its off the hook) to have him craving and forget about the emotional drama i gave him (i dono)

    i could feel his dick craving me through the ether until about a week ago

  24.  #24Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:40 am

    also i feel ashamed that when we were dating before it was all about him going down on me and i didnt to him (cuz i was waiting till i wanted to , tho i think i was holding back)

    and now its becomeabout me going down on him…

    whta happened to the man that wanted to go down on me? thats how i knew he wanted me

    maybe i will stop and say that i feel like its become one sided, and before i was getting hte feeling he wanted to go down on me and that made me feel loved, and now thats faded some and i love going donw on him but i dont feel good doing it now anymore

    and i feel mad at myself for not keeping the boundary of no sex while we’re not exclusive,

    even tho I Decided i didnt want that boundary actually and i wanted to have sex for ME to help me open up evn just phyisically so i can start letting men in close physically again

    bec i notice hen i dont have sex for a long time i seem to maintain some kinda physical distance, while when i do have sex it seems easier to do it again, even with another man

  25.  #25BeLoved on May 30, 2013 at 8:44 am


    I smiled reading this, I LOVE that story.
    Because…he brought it up with her, and she didn’t say, “do what you like”, she said something like,
    “if you do that I’m totally outta here!”
    She expressed her anger.

    AND and important part is, he didn’t just go off and sleep with the woman, he and Katie explored what these feelings were bringing up.

    He noticed he kept imagining running off into the sunset with the OW in a VW bus and realized he needed more ‘wildness’ in his life.

    Katie journaled for days about what it brought up for her, and took more responsibility for her own creativity.

    I’m glad this story came up – I’m remembering there ARE men who are conscious enough to explore these things in themselves, I’m remember Gay was actively SEEKING someone like Katie, he wanted nothing less than a consciously loving relationship.

    I’m remembering, I can ask for and demand MORE.

    Hmm….I’m feeling a desire for a Hendricks refresher. They are the ones who set me on this course when I first realized I had some messed up relationship habits and beliefs a few years ago.

  26.  #26Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:55 am

    It’s one thing being attracted to another man or woman.

    I am attracted to loads of men and can see the desirability of other woman etc.

    Doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them though.

    Something isn’t adding up here.
    He says he is polygamous but claims he hasn’t done anything yet.
    How does he know he is poly then? Fantasy and reality are two different things and how if he is that, is he ok with his wife getting another lover then.

    What does this woman want. Lovers? One lover no lovers.

    I certainly wouldn’t want to be with a man who said he wanted this.

    And yeah yeah yeah, the other woman says she is ok being second priority.
    Or so he says she says.
    Or so she is saying at the moment.

  27.  #27Daria on May 30, 2013 at 8:58 am

    because of Nice CD and meeting him on asocial network with public statuses i noticed i felt guitly / ashamed / uncomfortable posting out more intimate statuses like i used to like

    that may have shut down my vibe

  28.  #28Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 9:02 am

    I suppose it has opened the door to talking and hopefully being honest if nothing else Feel curious just how much this other woman would really want him and how long for once he is free but having to pay maintenance and settlement for his wife.

  29.  #29Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:05 am

    i notice i feel so turned off and ick

    im like “i just dont want to DEAL with him anymore”

    this may only last till i hear from him tho

    also i might be feeling this way towards myself for not having any money

    like mad at myself and less able to differentiate what i want form what i dont

    maybe its my parents judgemtn on that too

    i want to heal this

    i really not so secretly wish i could just make some money and give it to him so hed be able to make more

    but that hasnt worked for me before

    i feel glad its getting me to feel interested in gathering in money in a non-stressful way

  30.  #30Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:09 am

    im the woman who 6 months ago would forget to open her own door wiht WOMEN friends, because i was so used to gentlemanly behavior from men

  31.  #31Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:14 am

    i notice i feel less self confident cuz i dont like how my butt looks (smaller)

    so much for loving myself at any size Daria

    god i hate myself

  32.  #32Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:15 am

    just die

    seriously just die

    i totally dont mean that

    what is up with these thoughts!

    it seems theyre more at the forefront of my consciousness now

    i think theyve always been there tho

    i hope they’re healing

    i feel sad

    im ready for that pond clearing now already ugh

  33.  #33Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:17 am

    fuc*k it ill just leave

    these are the kinda things i say to people i love when i get upset

    i barely use feeling messages anymroe

    i lost trust in life with this electrical sensitivity shit

    now that im writing this its like hurting my arms 😛

    ok so ill get offline

  34.  #34Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Beloved – when reading their story I did not get anger coming from Katie. I got sadness, deep sadness, a facing of possible loss and maybe disappointment. I got the impression that she did not abandon herself but sat with herself. Anger – no I didn’t get that at all.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Or maybe is it because anger for me is explosive, volcanic eruption, spewing all over the place.

  36.  #36Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:41 am

    oh cool! something that feels good!

    when i say ‘i want to die” or that voice says it,

    what i actually mean is I WANT BIG HUGE CHANGE RIGHT NOW!



    that feels like a relief!

  37.  #37Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:42 am

    also i’ve disabled the Wifi, and that feels good i wont get as electically sensitive

    i notice when i feel angry/worked up, i feel it much stronger

  38.  #38Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 9:44 am

    There are some things I just don’t get.

    I personally would not ever invite accept or invite a single female co/worker of my husband into my home or our life. I would not be able to tolerate that. What is that about? Are other women really ok with that?

    I would be able to invite a couple in as friends.
    If I am in a married relationship I would not be able to tolerate my partner having single female friends. He gets to choose to be married to me or to be single and have single female friends.
    Not both.

    I don’t get the telling him to do it discretely.
    I say hey let’s let everyone know, the kids, family.
    And he is entitled to be with who he wants, I don’t want any man who wants to be with another woman. I don’t want to share my man.

  39.  #39Jessie1000 on May 30, 2013 at 9:45 am

    I think only you and I see it as foreboding if you texted and they didnt answer….it just means hes a bad one for looking at the phone…or he was in the shower, or he was doing something under the covers lol or he forgot and meant to text you….dont put weight on something unless you are sure that it really means something bad….No contact for a long time is perhaps a bad sign.
    Getting busy is Ok
    Not hovering over the phone is NOT necessarily meaning that you arent awesome!!
    HE might be in love and be scared…
    guys totally zone out when they start to fall in love and women are the opposite, they start to fall in love and insecure, they move close…
    Dont worry!
    Be happy!
    Love life, your breathing,
    your butt doesnt sag to the ground
    your not blind or ill
    remember life is good to be lived in!

  40.  #40Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Maybe you want a new you Daria.

    Like a rebirth?

    I felt sad hearing you say you want to Die, but maybe this is what you mean?

  41.  #41Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:46 am

    and i hadnt taken my Skullcap Nerve Tonic and that may have made me more susceptibke

    i took some now!

    i see the sun out and that feels better

    i still feel filled with this tension to DO something

    something that results in discharge of tension nad

    (of course) i dont know what

    doing laundry doesn’t seem like it would do ti (Tho it probably would)


  42.  #42Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Syreena – yup! high 5 🙂 i feel glad to get that too!

  43.  #43Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Thanks Jessie 🙂

    what bothers me is that i think/know he lives with that other girl sometimes/all the time and am imagining that he’s busy kissing and sexing her or emotionally engaging with her with relief and comparing her to me and my draining-ness

    adn i feel red faced lil girl with fists mad at that!

    how dare they paint me out to be not fun like that

    ill stomp em!

    i love mE!

    i feel glad there was no bringing that girl around or relaly anything to trigger me about her this time i seen him – other than that left over stuff from knownig he lives with her

    i thought he was gonna move out…

    didnt finish talking abuot this and what i want

    he said we’ll talk m0ore later , just don’t worry and don’t stress

    that felt good

    i wnat my power back AND I DONT WANT TO NOT HAVE A LOVER I LIKE!


  44.  #44Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:53 am

    i feel really good that you Goddesses are commenting to me! 🙂


    i feel a smile on my face

    theres a guy texting me who might wanna hang out too… he seems a lil iffy as far as masc energy but who knows 🙂

  45.  #45Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:56 am

    more men are contacting me online i feel like my vibe is up!

    yay ladies!!!

    blog power!

  46.  #46Elsie on May 30, 2013 at 10:06 am

    OK – so it just sort of happened. We were talking and I said I wasnt going to be in the office tomorrow…..and then it sort of happened.

    I did everything WRONG. And it was still OK.

    I said, “well, I really dont want to ever nag or be perceived like that. But I could use your help with that stuff tomorrow, but it seemed you were uncomfortable with meeting my friend, so I didnt know if you still wanted to do it or not…”

    UGH. 100% wrong. I used the word nag. I used the word uncomfortable. I asked again. Blah blah blah.

    His reaction?


    He just looked at me, and said, well, I dont have to have a sit down dinner or anything with her right? LOL….I just laughed, and then said no. And he said, sure, I was PLANNING on coming anyway and helping you get that stuff. I was like…oh, well, I didnt know.. He said, yah sure. And so then we started talking about what I needed, and it got weird because he kept saying….Look, how much of this…..I dont know what brand you want of that…..I kept saying….anything you get is fine.

    Then he just said….Look, why dont you just come with me and we’ll go together. So. Sweet. I said, oh, I hadnt thought of that!I said, well, I dont want to put you out, and he acted like the whole thing was totally no big deal.

    Wow. Really, honestly, it was good.

    I will tell you that I have felt him pulling away a bit. Not strongly, but just in teeeeeeny tiny ways.

    But it seems he is definitely still in this with me. This man does not do ANYTHING he doesnt want to do.

    So – that said, maybe it is true that you cant say the wrong thing to the right man.

    Go ahead Mercedes and Dominique – you can scold me – I know I did wrong by asking him…..LOL.

    You guys will never give me advice again. You will be like – she didnt take our advice the last time!!! 🙂 LOL!!!!! But usually I do!!!! 🙂

    Anyway – so I’m excited – going to get my hair cut this afternoon – huge treat for me I never do anything for myself, and I’m going to do highlights and lowlights myself tonight and so that will make me happy.

    And then tomorrow I’ll go with him to do the errand. How fun will that be? 🙂

  47.  #47Daria on May 30, 2013 at 10:11 am

    if i had to do the same again, i would my friend Fernando – hearing this froim ABBA on the radio ok

    now i feel piny again i miss my papi!!!


  48.  #48smile on May 30, 2013 at 11:02 am


    Can you help me with something about marriage and divorce?

    I’m feeling sooooo happy right now!! We’ve had so many ‘moments’ when The love has just been pouring out of us.
    We’ve just spent 2 amazingly fun days together, then suddenly… I felt my gut drop out 🙁 literally nausea passed through me from something he said. I managed to bring it up a few hours later when the time was right.

    He showed me the messages he’d had with his ex about starting a divorce now he’s found ‘me’ and wants a future with me. They have been separated for years. Thing is he’s got a house together in negative equity. He isn’t planning on selling it for about 2 years. This is when it hit me. If he isn’t selling the house, he isn’t getting divorced. So this is what I asked him. He said he’d taken advice from a solicitor. And that yes if they divorce they should sell the house. So he said he doesn’t want to divorce for another 2 years at least… Maybe more!!!
    He said it doesn’t matter. He’s not getting back with her, he would lose a lot of money. He showed me the email from the solicitor to show me he was looking into divorcing her. He doesn’t think it matters? He can still have a relationship with me and she’s just an ex. Thing is he’s struggling for money. Whilst she lives in the house he part owns and the other house they own gets rented out. He has a room in a student style house. How’s this fair? I have my own home so I’m not looking for someone to buy property with. But eventually would like to buy a bigger place to have a family in, as would he.
    I’m not looking to get married, yes I would like to eventually but it’s more important to have the relationship and feel loved and secure. We both want children though.
    My question is, what do you think around being able to move forward whilst he’s still married? And will be for some time?
    Just trying to protect myself. It’s so amazing right now.
    I also might look into the legalities of him still being married to her, should anything happen?

  49.  #49Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 11:10 am

    smile I know you asked Dominique but reading what you wrote suggests to me that a time boundary for yourself is what might be missing so you can share it with him. If you wish to be married when would you like to see that dream realized?

    “I’m not looking to get married, yes I would like to eventually”. This sounds contradictory to me as if you are adjusting yourself to match up with him or be the woman for him. If 10 years down the road the situation remains the same as it is today would you be able to accept him and it? Is what I would want to know for myself if I was in your shoes. What does eventually mean for you? Is it a moving target based on what he is capable of offering?

  50.  #50smile on May 30, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Thanks FW,
    I’d be ok with him never wanting to marry me. But… I do want children, this is my no compromise, as long as I can have them. This is where marriage comes in for me, I’d like to have a family name. I’ve shared this with him. For me it’s about the relationship, if I feel loved and amazing, marriage doesn’t matter to me. If he chose to marry me, I’d say yes! But I know he feels bad about breaking his for better for worse commitment. So isn’t looking for marriage.
    I would like children in the next 3 years. What if he’s still married when I want children? That’s when I think it would stop us from moving forward.

  51.  #51IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 11:32 am

    I feel embarrassed and scared and like I’m back at square one all over again.

    I walked into the building with a guy whom I find attractive. I admire him. He is amazing with his mother and his sister. He is a quiet, humble leader. He gets things done without drawing attention to himself. and I think he’s so cute.

    He hasn’t dated a lot at all because he used to be bigger, but I never thought he was fat.

    I’ve always thought he was cute.

    We walked the short walk into the building together. I smiled and said hello first. I commented on the brightness of the sunshine. (it was ridiculously bright.)

    Nothing about how the bright sunshine made me feel, though, which would’ve been good.

    (It made me feel small, tired, warm, overwhelmed, but also safe, in case you were wondering…)

    He walked in behind me. I walked the other way because I had to use the loo.

    When I got out of the loo, I saw another guy, who I had asked to help me last weekend.

    I like him.
    I feel safe around him.

    I felt panicky because I don’t like walking in late and alone, so I asked if I could sit with him.

    Instead of sliding inconspicuously in the back, like what would have seemed logical to me, he led me to the front of the building where EVERYONE could see us.

    I immediately felt self-conscious.

    I felt myself start to stress-sweat.

    Then, he kept whispering things in my ear to make me laugh.

    It worked.

    Afterwards, THREE people asked me if we were dating.

    I said no to each, because he has not asked me out.

    but to one person, I said, no…I think he’s a flirt. ( I do, and i’ve been told that.)

    to another I said, no…just no. Then he said “why not?” and I said something like “beggars can’t be choosers and I’m a chooser.”

    but I don’t know why I said that.

    It’s not that I wouldn’t date him, it’s just that we are not dating…

    A third person asked me and by that time, I was just tired of explaining myself…

    I think he led me to the front where everyone could see us to like, mark his territory or something?

    I don’t know, but I feel kind of angry/annoyed in hindsight.

    I feel like some guys do that simply because they like to be seen with me, not because they are genuinely interested in me as a person, but because it is GOOD to be seen with me.

    I feel like Jack CD did that with me.

    I flat out asked Jack CD what he had been doing, and he flat out told me that he had been being a jerk to me.

    I’m sick of feeling used because of my good reputation or for whatever reason…

    I feel so untrusting.

    Then, I got upset, because I’m pretty sure SMC saw the whole thing and he was all looking at me and I felt annoyed that he was looking at me.

    I know perceived reactions towards me aren’t my responsibility, but none of it felt good.

    I feel guilty and weird and unsure.

    I can’t tell if this guy who led me to the front is showing interest or if he just likes the attention he gets from me, or the attention he gets from being seen with me.

    Does that make sense?

  52.  #52April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Wow, IamHis,

    I feel envious of all the attention you get from men.
    If I had that much attention, I’d be practicing focussing on what feels good and sireny about it.

    I’d drop all speculation about anyone’s elses motives, and seek to discover the GOOD-feeling places inside ME.

  53.  #53IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 11:47 am

    thanks, April Rose, but really it was just the one guy who led me to the front.

    Guy A and SMC don’t necessarily “mean” anything, or something inside me tells me that they don’t count?

    I feel good with leader guy.
    I feel good being around guy A.

    I feel suspicious about SMC.
    I can’t feel good around him, knowing he is taken…

  54.  #54IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Leader guy is that same guy who was all “Nice to Meet You/Arms around You” when I hadn’t even met him yet a few months ago…

  55.  #55April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    I feel inspired to take myself into a phase of asking myself “what feels good about this?” and focussing on the positive sensations in my body.

    It’s been so habitual for me to feel constantly triggered or uneasy or weird and uncomfortable.

    I’m probably half way through my life now. I don’t want to waste any of what’s left. I want to choose my experience. So, I’m intending to feel for the sweet, fun, exciting, blissful, sexy, mysterious and joyous emotions in myself.

  56.  #56smile on May 30, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I’m loving candles tonight!

    Feeling all feminine and grounded 🙂

  57.  #57Daria on May 30, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    so he texted me! and i texted effusively back and honestly i feel a lil sad with his answer and it wasnt very ongioing:P

    but i felt all this love for him like YAY i have a LOVER now which is what i wanted and WHAT WAS I THINKING asking for exclusivity as i totally DONT want exclusivity

    but i dont want to not feel special or like another woman is in front of me

    and i felt all happy and full of love for him like well i feel excited to get the sex ive been wanting and then if HE wants to be the man in my life he will let me know and etc and its very likely he will as he has before

    but now i switched back to thinking of her and how he’s sleeping there and i thought he’d move back in with his family and i feel mad and not good again

    ablah ablah

    i felt so much better and free when i felt the good vibe towards him!

    like he’s in no financial position to propose right now so why would i pressure him rather than stay open in life and appreciate what he Does ahve fore me, love and sex

    that felt good

    but now im thinking well how will i feel special if i think he’s sleeping with another woman at nite


    BUT if its not in my face with her as it wasnt this last time it can all just fade away


    well my mood was all much better when i had that view but now i notice its shifted again


  58.  #58smile on May 30, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    If any sirens have any advice regarding 48, I’d love to hear from you 🙂

  59.  #59Daria on May 30, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    i want to get back to that great feeling perspective!

    i felt my life opening up !

  60.  #60Daria on May 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    i felt like it was not his Fault for being where he’s at and i felt open to other men too

    come on life, give me that perspective back!

  61.  #61Daria on May 30, 2013 at 12:59 pm

    im EFTing to it!

  62.  #62April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Ooh, Smile,

    Candles feel so romantic. I want to feel candlelight in my room, too. Going to see if I can find one now.

  63.  #63IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    I talked to him about CDing. Just the idea of it.

    “why be with one person, only one person for a long time only to realize you’re not the best for each other? it takes a long time to get to know a person. Why not get to know several different people at once?”

    What I called “dating” he called “talking” and “hanging out.”

    Kind of sounded like a cop-out. Copping out of taking a risk, taking the lead, paying for and taking care of a woman….

  64.  #64April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:10 pm


    I can’t give advice, although I too am in a relationship with a seperated man.

    Zara wrote postings to me at length, about this.

    For a while it was me that didn’t want commitment, not him. It felt like a fib for me to say “I want to be married, and until someone claims me as a wife, I’m keeping my options open”.

    It was more a case of wanting to circular date to boost my own sirenness.

    Things are going well and we are growing closer, in which case I am considering a commitment/exclusivity. Dang, I still get those two mixed up!!

    I don’t know, Smile. Maybe ask yourself what you’d want if he wasn’t married. And be truthful with yourself. See if there is a conflict, and discover how you really feel about it. Then let him know your feelings and ask if he thinks there is a solution or best way forward for the two of you.

  65.  #65Femininewoman on May 30, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    April Rose that is what is called Conscious Living.

  66.  #66April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Can anyone help me with a script?

    And shed some light on my feelings of guilt?

    I’m with a man, living together. We are growing together, sometimes painfully, sometimes joyfully. I get to practice all the tools on him.

    I feel bad in a way, because he wants (and assumes) commitment from me, because he is giving his to me (although he is seperated – they have had no contact for three years).

    Why I feel bad is that I like variety and want to date and boost my happy siren qualities through being admired by different men.

    Rori’s book says ‘choose relationship’.

    I feel muddled.

  67.  #67Kentucky Called on May 30, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Age issue…a long time ago…in a post in 2010…there were a few comments about “age” and listing age in your profile on online dating. I’m from the old school saying of, “a woman who tells her age will tell everything!”. I let them know I’m over 40, can’t have kids and they can see by my pic I look to be 34 or 36. This is the problem with online dating…first of all, men lie about their age all the time…not saying its right…but a LOT of men put they are 49 for instance and look to be close to 60 and it’s obvious they are lying!! SO many do this it is ridiculous. ALSO, the “system” matches you up with guys your stated age or slightly older so if you put you are 47-49 you are getting men 65, 59 and older hitting on you and for me, that doesn’t work. In real life….if a guy asks me how old I am I say, over 18. I’m legal. And no, I can’t have kids… I think in western society we are WAAAAY too preoccupied with numbers. As if they tell us anything. We all know folks older who act, feel and are healthier…and we all know folks younger who already act like they are done in life! I would also point out in caveman days men didn’t look at you and say, “how many moons and summers have you seen??” No, they just took a look at you and after looking up and down, said, “woman, you look good…come into my cave NOW!” That is my rant on age…because online is SO imaginary I wait until we are in person and really like each other…at least second date to get into all that. But I’m from the South where you NEVER ask a woman her age. Just sayin!

  68.  #68Kentucky Called on May 30, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    People in our society put their own thoughts and projections into what you should or should not be at a certain age. “oh, you are 36, you should have a house, a Master’s degree and married by now.” ” Oh, you are 42, why aren’t you married yet???” on and on and on. I let go of the age merry go round the night before I turned 40 and never looked back! If they ask, I say, “I stopped counting at 39!” lol

  69.  #69IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    April Rose, in Targetting Mr. Right, Rori says that guilt is a natural feeling that results from CDing.

    I still feel conflicted with how that goes with “Choose Relationship.”

    I struggle with “choosing relationship” with more than one man.

    I never feel fully “in” with any one guy, and I feel like they can feel that lack of “in-ness” and I feel like that has worked against me…

    maybe it’s just my fear…:(

  70.  #70smile on May 30, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    A few years ago I wanted to be married like yesterday and with children. Thank goodness I opened my eyes to wanting a relationship first. I was ruining my relationships by wanting to fast forward to the committed part.

    Now…. Wow I’m a different person, in the moment rather than reaching for an end goal. I know what my end goal is… But I’m enjoying creating it in the now.

    We became exclusive when it became sexual. Then he told me he loved me and wanted a future with me. Whilst I’m not dating anyone else… He doesn’t give me chance… I’m booked for the next month on dates with him 🙂 I’m cdating myself and I’m ‘willing’ to walk away for me, if I need to. In the now though I couldn’t be happier.

    He’s talked about us owning property together in the future. A family home. I just don’t know logistically that he can make it happen in the next 5 years. I’m happy with my own home if we can’t though.

  71.  #71Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    EElsie – 46 – There are no wrongs here, just as there are no mistakes, only learning and growing experiences, and you are doing this in spades.

    It all went well anyway.

    So YAY you!!!


  72.  #72IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    April Rose, what do you want to communicate to him? Your feelings of guilt? Your feelings of confusion? The truth about what it is you really want?

    why not just TELL him:

    “I feel bad because I feel like you’re assuming commitment from me. I feel guilty because I want to date other men…”

    Do you want to date him as well?

    or do you want to break up with him?
    Do you want to move out?

    Do you feel scared to tell him all that?
    Do you feel scared of the life changes that the truth will require?

    I feel curious…

  73.  #73April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I do think it is in my own interests to circular date. Bringing it up is going to make him mad as hell!!!

    He says we have a ‘relationship’, and that that can’t be disputed. He said he is building his whole life around ‘us’, and that I shouldn’t be jealous of his work, because it involves me and is going to make our lives better.

    I still feel mad and weird and that I could be letting my life go by, and could be finding a better match.

    I hear myself sounding ungrateful and being a perfectionist.

    What if I want to date just cos I want to?

    When will I ‘get’ this? !!!!!!!!

  74.  #74Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Smile- 48 – I think there are no hard and fast rules around any of this. Just because he’s still married doesn’t mean he can’t still have an awesome relationship with you.

    I believe him in everything he tells you.

    I was still married when K and I got together though papers had been filed.

    I know of a woman who stays married because of health insurance which she needs for her children.

    There are sometimes really good reasons for remaining married. In this case it’s not forever.

    If the emotional tie is dead and gone, then emotionally he’s divorced in my view.

    BUT it all comes down to how YOU feel about all of this. Are YOU okay with it.

    If yes, then all is well.


  75.  #75IamHis on May 30, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    April Rose – I feel like you should feel safe enough to tell him “I feel afraid that you’re going to be angry at me.”

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and one thing I’ve learned is that we shouldn’t fear the anger of others.

    It is an emotion going on inside of the other person, not inside of YOU.

    Are you afraid of losing him?
    Of losing the home you share together?
    Of losing yourself?

  76.  #76April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Ooh, thanks IamHis,

    Your questions feel great.

    I’ll answer and feel the clarity that brings:

    “Do you want to date him as well? Yeah, it’s been going well, and I love him to bits.

    or do you want to break up with him? Nooooo

    Do you want to move out? Yes. Often I think it would feel good to live seperately. I imagine him making special efforts and not taking me for granted.

    Do you feel scared to tell him all that? I feel scared to tell him I’m interested in other men. Or rather how I want to feel in the company of men.

    Do you feel scared of the life changes that the truth will require? Yes. I have this thought “what if I’ve got it all, right now, with him? What if I blow it?”

  77.  #77April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    He has already witnessed my dating another man, quite seriously, for almost a year.(it stopped 6 months ago)

    At the time, he went cold and said “you’re with someone else now” I couldn’t seem to get the idea across that I was dating, that I belonged to myself and not to him or the other man.

    It woke the bugger up, though! He has experience of what I will do if he starts to neglect me or give me crumbs!!

  78.  #78smile on May 30, 2013 at 1:45 pm


    Thank you for curbing my anxiety. I’m going to carry on creating this awesome relationship. It really helps to think that he’s ’emotionally’ divorced. If it wasn’t for the house they would be. This is enough for me right now.


  79.  #79April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm


    I really like your script
    ““why be with one person, only one person for a long time only to realize you’re not the best for each other? it takes a long time to get to know a person. Why not get to know several different people at once?”

    The guy I dated for a year – it took me a year to get to know him and realise he wasn’t for me in the long term.

  80.  #80April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm


    I wonder if you consider there is an emotional tie in the case where it’s over for the man, but not for the wife. She never wanted him to leave.

    WM says he will not go back to her, but she doesn’t agree to a divorce.

  81.  #81smile on May 30, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    April rose,

    Is there something specific your not getting from him that your looking to find elsewhere?

    Being vulnerable with amb really deepened our connection and made it different from dating the rest.

    Can I ask how old you are?

  82.  #82April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    I’m 43
    The specific thing that’s missing (and that he does give so very rarely) is that sense of special togetherness, like when we’re in bed and we look into each other’s eyes and say something that’s just for the other person. I want to hear/feel/know that I am treasured in a special way.

  83.  #83April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Things my soul longs for in partnership:-

    I want my depth to be seen, honoured, and matched.

  84.  #84smile on May 30, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Oooo April rose, I know that missing piece sooo well! I walked out of a 2 year relationship for this reason. Back then I didn’t know about cdating.
    What helped was reading dominiques articles on expectations. It suddenly dawned on me that he did show me just not in the way I was looking for. Now though with amb it’s so clearly there, I couldn’t miss it. I think the difference though is ME. I’ve learnt to create what I want/need it by practising being fun and feminine alongside practising being vulnerable.

  85.  #85April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    I like that, Smile – practicing being fun and feminine, and vulnerable. Reading that feels sweet, and soft. It feels like treasuring myself.

  86.  #86Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    well whatshisface got me reallhy pist right now

    i mean i called him after he texted me regarding making money, as being around him got me interested in gathering up money for myself again (yay)

    but he’s not concentrating as much as i am when we were on the phone cuz he said hes driving an my mind is like he is driving that girl’s mom car and shes there with ihim and i heard a kid so maybe he’s got his kid with her again i

    am like tired of trippin

    like im trippin too hard i dont need to do this

    i dont feel like calling him back or texting him about this resource

    i feel like telling him not to call me anymore, but i also feel like i want him to see me and how amazing i am and desire me which won’t happen if he doesn’t SEE me (or will it? feel it across the ethers?)

    eh i just wana run away from all this! but i feel scared that ill soon feel piny and wish to be in contact again and that wont happen if i PUSH AWAY with harshness

  87.  #87Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    look im tired of dealing with you

    call me when youre not living with another woman or dating anyone and when you are ready to come see me regularly

  88.  #88Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    but if i say that he won’t ever call me cuz he’ll be hurt and think im harsh and be like ‘f*ck it’

    and i feel like that would suck so so much i wanna cry right now

    even tho it probably – head wise – wouldnt suck that much

  89.  #89Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    i want to “go cold” that is a pattern for me

    i actually feel angry

    i love my angry feeling!

    this is cool! im healing my pattern of going cold!

    i feel like a rarrrgh volcano

  90.  #90Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    meanwhile i seem to have set myself up to pick up $40 tomorrow… from the studies i signed up (that i called him about after he texted me asking what im doing regarding gathering $)


  91.  #91Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    April Rose – 80 – My first instinct is to say no. I don’t want to say it doesn’t matter so much, for it may matter to someone, in this case the wife. I don’t know how to word this other than to say, if he’s done, it’s done. She may not agree to the divorce, yet the divorce will still happen if he follows through on whatever it is he is supposed to do. I don’t know all the legalities though I think in some cases an annulment needs to be filed instead.


  92.  #92Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    April Rose – 82 – Can you not look for this in him in other ways, the ways he uses to express his love for you. How do you know your depth is not being seen, honored, and matched? Is it true that he isn’t doing this?


  93.  #93Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    “You’re not talking to him because: he’s stringing you along, because he’s playing with your heart, because he hasn’t the slightest idea – he’s utterly clueless -what it feels like on your end of this.

    He thinks it feels okay to be friends, because it feels okay to HIM. He doesn’t get what you’re feeling.

    Be nice – say…

    “I like you very much, I would like to be your friend, and I don’t feel able to do that in my heart because I have romantic feelings for you and want more than friendship. It hurts every time I’m near you. I want to have a good working relationship. I can’t answer your emails anymore, unless they’re about work.

    I guess it’s a girl thing, and I can understand why it’s hard for a man to understand. You’re great, and I wish you were mine, and that’s not in the cards, and so, I’m so sorry, and friendship is out of the question right now. Co-workers is all I can handle.”


    Baby you’re great, and I love you, and I wish I could share more and more love with you, but while you’re dating other women and I know about it, I can’t. My heart won’t let me, and I wish I COULD be with you and participate in your life as a friend, and my heart feels like it’s breaking right now thinking of not having you in mine, but I can’t handle this. It’s driving me crazy, happy, then angry, happy then angry…

    I know this is an emotional thing, maybe cuz im a woman, and my feelings for you are so strong, and I get that it can be hard for a man to understand.

    But I don’t want to keep driving myself crazy, or feel like im pressuring you, so it would just feel better to step back and have some time to myself – NOT TALK ANYMORE! – until you arent living with someone else or involved with another woman emotionally, and you want to come see me.

  94.  #94Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    hey! im getting closer and closer to feeling brave enough to do this!

    and (right this second) im NOT trippin about wher i will find another sex partner (why? and what happens when i start trippin again the way i have been?)

  95.  #95Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    anybody want to pare this down to a couple sentences… it could help me… 🙂

    “Baby you’re great, and I love you, and I wish I could share more and more love with you, but while you’re dating other women and I know about it, I can’t. My heart won’t let me, and I wish I COULD be with you and participate in your life as a friend, and my heart feels like it’s breaking right now thinking of not having you in mine, but I can’t handle this. It’s driving me crazy, happy, then angry, happy then angry…

    I know this is an emotional thing, maybe cuz im a woman, and my feelings for you are so strong, and I get that it can be hard for a man to understand.

    But I don’t want to keep driving myself crazy, or feel like im pressuring you, so it would just feel better to step back and have some time to myself – NOT TALK ANYMORE! – until you arent living with someone else or involved with another woman emotionally, and you want to come see me.”

  96.  #96Daria on May 30, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    oh and my CD that was coming to meet and sounding a bit like a weirdo toward the end (he was either seeming like he judged me for smoking weed, or else he was aheavy other kind of drug user cuz he was asking me some stuff about that and never showed up)

  97.  #97Hana on May 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Hey beautiful Sirens, you shine today!
    Wow, it’s been since Sunday that I heard from A, and I went through all sorts of emotions. I feel stronger inside today, I’m taking action in fulfilling other parts of my life, and changing all the insecurities and using this space from each other to grow again. I wasn’t wise the first tine he left, but again I’m given an opportunity to grow and become greater. It feels freaken awesome and powerful. !!!!! 🙂

  98.  #98Daria on May 30, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    right now i feel like its easy to move away / pull away / pull back? emotionally, but i don’t know if this power will last

    i feel a bit ‘bored’ or ‘done’ like rori talks about

    but i also feel a strong craving to go chill with a guy friend (and reach out, which i want to train myself not to do as it undercuts me)

  99.  #99Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    Daria – How about this –

    Baby you’re great, and I love you, and I wish I could share more and more love with you, but while there are other women, I don’t want to. It hurts my heart too much. I wish I COULD be with you and participate in your life as a friend, and my heart feels like it’s breaking right now thinking of not having you in mine, but I don’t want to handle this. It’s making me feel turned upside down and inside out.

    I don’t want to pressure you, so it would just feel better right now to step back and have some time to myself.


  100.  #100April Rose on May 30, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Thank you Dominique,

    I will concede that my depth is seen and honoured. Matched? I’m not sure.
    I wish it was a lot more obvious to me. I want to feel these things more than I’m feeling them at the moment.

    It’s like with sex. It’s almost there. And not quite. Makes me feel longing and sadness.

  101.  #101Dominique on May 30, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    April Rose – It might very well be that this man is not the one for you, yet he’s shown up to teach you something.

    Bring things back to you. Where are you withholding? How and where are you not honoring yourself, matching your own depth, acknowledging it? How much deeper can you go? What depths have been neglected?


  102.  #102Luzydel on May 30, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I also give credit to the man for owning it and being upfront about it; not something i wold feel good to hear, but I will respect him for “maning” up!

    Which brings me to me… I feel anger to men who disappear for whatever reason; before I used to be like “well they are men, the freak out and need space” now I go like Bullsh*t! be a man a say it; say yo need space, that you’re not sure about your feelings, that you like someone else, etc. but please be a man!

  103.  #103Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    omg the EHTER!!! they can feel it through the ETHER!!!

    yo so just when i had determined that i was NOT going to text him (the biz info) i said i would…

    and would likely NOT answer his next text (unless i felt special)

    he now texts me ( while im having a FUN conversation with a new CD ((ifeelexcited!!)))

    “Don’t think I don’t take you seriously… I’m just really busy today”

    omg 🙂

    i dont feel ‘carried away’ hehe but i do feel good and acknowledged

    i texted back… “thank you for writing that. I feel seen”


    i still don’t feel all that close or piny or i-wish-i-could-rush-over-therey

    i feel kinda solid heavy, not too ‘fun’ but really full of earth and solidity in myself

  104.  #104Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    and with the man on the phone i was able to really open my heart and feel good!

    and i still had it open for the next man, who sounded a bit gruff, but opened His heart too hearing my loving tone!

    yay im back to feeling LOVE and being LOVE!!

    🙂 weeeee

  105.  #105Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:21 pm



  106.  #106Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    fuc*kin A… i feel like rushing over and dating Myself after receiving a message like Dominiques tweak from myself


    and its not about that!

    its about ME!

  107.  #107Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    while there are other women, I DONT WANT TO! haha I feel soo dancy good!

    im back to expressing my feelings rather than securing a loving sex partner



  108.  #108Luzydel on May 30, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    My posts are disappearing!

    anyway; was chatting with a pof guy and i was feeling so uninspired… I am feeling uninspired…

  109.  #109Daria on May 30, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    hella sexy guys hittin me up online NOW!

    omgosh yes!

  110.  #110Daria on May 30, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    ah! disappointment, fear, thrill, excitement, PATTERNS HEALING! fast

    noticing it omgosh i feel thrilled and joy and excited when logically im actually NOT gonna feel good about this

    and THATS OK

    im noticnig


    i feel all happy and excited when something is actually disappointed and scared me


    i want to WIN

    i want it to feel good after all

    and actualky writing this now is changing that

  111.  #111Luzydel on May 30, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    This up and down with men feel turned off and yucky and I do not like it. got like 10 me writing to me yesterday and then today poof all gone…

  112.  #112Luzydel on May 30, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    why is it so difficult? Ugh I am feeling up and down as well. Men are do difficult not to “hate” ugh!

  113.  #113Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    I am feeling very sensitive to bad smells.

    I feel repelled by bad smells.
    Especially men who smell bad to me.
    It makes me feel sick, like I want to vomit.
    And wash my hands when I have been anywhere near them.

    I dont like it, I only want a man who takes care of himself around me and smells good.

    Why am I attracting this when I don’t feel attracted to this. Or want this anywhere around me.

    What action do I need to take.
    I need to move away quicker.
    I don’t want to tolerate this and be nice, smile and pretend that it doesn’t bother me.
    It does bother me.

    How can someone not know .
    I don’t like to smell of cigarettes
    I don’t like the smell of alcoholic breath.
    I don’t like the sickly smell of body odor.

    It feels difficult not to be polite and stand and tolerate it,
    But it does make fe feel sick, icky and like I want to wash their smell off me if they have touched my hands and their smell is on me.
    It feels gross.

  114.  #114Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    I know I do not like this
    And even though I don’t want this around me to to be around this and know to move away.
    Why oh why does it feel so difficult to make myself move away.
    I teel myself to move get away and my body feels stuck, frozen to the spot, I am yelling at myself to move and just stand there.
    I feel sad.
    I don’t like this.

    I know what to do and I don’t do it. 🙁

  115.  #115Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    “yay im back to feeling LOVE and being LOVE!!”

    That feels good to hear that,

    Yes the lesson is always Love. 🙂

  116.  #116Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    I know why I do it.
    I want to be nice.

    What about being nice to me.
    I need to be nicer to me and move away.

  117.  #117Lisa on May 30, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    I agree …. the man was honest and came to her and told her… that is just amazing! Most men wouldn’t. She gave her permission ( even though it doesn’t sound like she thought it through). Some people believe it or not are poly and there is nothing wrong with that.. as long as there is honesty and permission on both parties. Doesn’t sound like she is poly..

    Yes, I’d love to hear more about the quality of intimacy with a man in the room is in the hands of a woman…

    Great post! I’ve done lots of research on Polyamorous relationships. Read books etc. Interesting topic.

    I too would love to know if Rori has couple’s workshops… I think “M” would go…

  118.  #118Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    I would feel angry if a man who i had been married to for 23 yrs that I had children with suddenly announced he was poly and I wasn’t. Why marry me in the first place if he was poly? I would feel deceived and robbed from being of my life and time that i would not ever be able to get back.

  119.  #119Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Most men fantasies about the two women thing.
    Thing is fantasy is not reality and in reality, real people and real emotions get involved.

  120.  #120Syreena on May 30, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    I was taught it was good to be tolerant.
    It was selfish to not tolerate things even if they made me feel bad.

    I was told I was selfish and intolerant and told off about it.
    Made to feel bad.
    I believed I was a bad girl.
    And was punished for being bad.
    I would go to bed and cry.
    I would ask if I had been good today.

    I feel sad, I need to heal from this.

  121.  #121Luzydel on May 30, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Syreena I don’t like the word tolerance; it seems like taking something you don’t like and held it in. Like tolerate pain. I like the word acceptance instead; it feels that accepting needs less effort from me and it is flowing and easy.

  122.  #122Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    thanks Syreena 🙂

  123.  #123Daria on May 30, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    yup 🙂 i’m scheduled to pick up $40 dollars tomorrow morning… yeee 🙂

  124.  #124Millie on May 30, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    I’ve been enjoying my time off this week. I got a new job and am starting Monday! So excited! This week has been wonderful…being lazy at the beach soaking up the sun and serenity…going out for drinks with my friends…feeling so happy being in my own skin! No new men have shown up though…I wonder why? Maybe the timing is wrong? I don’t know….I feel beautiful and happy am excited that now that I’m not in school I have the luxury to go on dates and not feel like “oh shit I have so much to do I should be home doing it!” It hasn’t been that long, but I’m wondering if I should do online dating again?? I loathe the idea because it feels fake, contrived, trying….but then again no one is coming to me in reality. I wonder…

  125.  #125Daria on May 30, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    i feel sad and lonely and tired. i suspect its all cuz i feel tired actually

  126.  #126Daria on May 30, 2013 at 11:34 pm

    i feel nervous that ill miss the money pick up tomorrow

    anxiety about $

    also i had a big crash of faith when i felt the electrical hypersensitivity increase

    i still feel fearful in life umf

    i want to go back to feeling im safe and life loves me

  127.  #127Daria on May 30, 2013 at 11:36 pm

    thank you Daria for vacuuming and doing laundry and changing the sheets

    thank you for schedukling money pick ups for me

    thank you for taking care of me and finding my words and feeling my feelings

  128.  #128Daria on May 30, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    i feel sleepy

  129.  #129Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 5:13 am

    Daria – 🙂 <3


  130.  #130BeLoved on May 31, 2013 at 6:31 am

    I saw someone mention hookingupsmart.com so I checked it out and now I’m sitting here in the cafe crying and snotting all over my computer over reading this post:

    A Good Man is Not Hard to Find

    Ladies, what was the moment when you realized that your SO really did love you?

    ”It was shark week, and he went grocery shopping and brought back a box of tampons. He said he noticed I was almost out.”

    ”We were in a club and a fight broke out. He literally picked me up and put me down behind him before I even realised what was going on! It was really lovely.”

    ”One night I was crying really hard, I can’t remember why, and he just gathered all of me into his arms and lap and cradled me like a baby for like an hour. It was one of the most love filled moments I’ve ever had with him.”

    “I’m doing my finals, and he brought me dinner in Tupperware and heated it so I didn’t have to take time out of revision. And he didn’t even have to be asked. His respect of my panic and work ethic meant a lot to me, because I know it would annoy a lot of guys.”


  131.  #131prplpsn28 on May 31, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Feeling blah today 🙁 Dealing with some personal issues which include some health issues. H is completely aware and has been helpful and supportive. As a matter of fact we were just talking about it all last night when we got together and then he stayed the night with me. And this is all good….so then why do I feel like he’s pulling away a bit lately. Not a lot…just a bit. But all the same it doesn’t feel good. I’m continuing to lean back but maybe I’m leaning back too much? Is that possible?

  132.  #132Mercedes on May 31, 2013 at 6:52 am

    “The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman.” – Well that feels horrible to read. J is very, very good at creating and encouraging quality intimate moments. I’d hate to think all of the depended on me. He’s good at it.

    Elsie: Advice is just suggestions. You take what you want and leave the rest. For me, it feels better to let J be and do and for me to receive and love. For you, it feels better to ask so you have your plans in place and know what’s going on. J is the kind of man who would pull away with too much asking or confirming plans and DEFINITELY the kind of man to pull back with too much talk of feelings. I process a lot of that internally and don’t generally bring him into the picture unless it truly affects US and not just me. Your man may be completely opposite of that. It sounds like he does just fine with these conversations. None of it matters. I give advice based on who I am, who J is and what works to make our relationship strong. You will have to pick and choose what works for your relationship based on who you are and what your experiences are. 🙂

    Much Love,

  133.  #133Mercedes on May 31, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Living my yoga today (from the book “A Year of Living Your Yoga” by Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., P.T.:

    “I can only be afraid if I am thinking about the future. Even in moments of greatest danger, we are not afraid if we focus on exactly what we must do in that moment. Fear arises when we think about what might happen or what could have happened. Today when you feel afraid, note that you are thinking of the future. Take a breath (or several), and settle into now.”

    Much Love,

  134.  #134seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 7:07 am

    off my dam horse can’t find it……..not even looking for the stupid thing……………… angry and angry angryANGRY………. feeling the weight and hate it and in the angry is WAS being stuffed……………… forgot i had it……………….. triggered all over the place..this post the last one too! anger burning so corrosively…….gotta get it out….. feel like a kid having a freaking tantrum……but outside it’s all quiet………….. rigid control?????? no its f ing messy. I am messy right now!!!!!!! and agry

    i feel better acknowledging it
    i don’t want to love on it
    i wnt to kick azzzzzzzzzzzz
    that doent feel good

    okay……….BREATHE…………. I love you seahorse and I’m not going anywhere……… i don’t want to cry right now

  135.  #135Mercedes on May 31, 2013 at 7:33 am

    ((((seahorse))) 🙁 Yes…breathe…

    Much Love,

  136.  #136Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 7:38 am

    I’m feeling frustrated today… angry about $ the lack of it… feel depleted how can someone work so hard and not make any $.

    Self esteem must be the issue.. I’m angry at fact that I have to have so much of it to get by.. and how to work on myself without $…

    Angry that “M” seems to be so attached to $ … I wonder when he finds out about my financial situation if he will end it…

    Why is it $ is so important to the world… and why is it, that I seem to be out of the loop of how to make it… It feel awful inside …. I feel like a failure and in this society taking care of a child full time is not a job and it doesn’t pay… so you get frowned on…

    Feeling stuck around $ and wondering why it seems so tied into love…and acceptance and value…

    I love me no matter what.. and I’m a great person with lots and lots of love.. I’m poor but I have tons of wealth… I’m hugging me now.. I’m not a failure…. in my eyes.. and not in my child’s eyes… I work hard….. I’m a great girlfriend even though I don’t always talk to “M” in the perfect way… I look into his eyes and tell him how deeply I love him… I hope that is enough… that’s all I can do is my best…

  137.  #137MovingMagic on May 31, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I had a “Body Talks” session in Central Park last night, & am treating myself to a massage on Monday. *sigh. Receiving is splendid.

  138.  #138MovingMagic on May 31, 2013 at 7:46 am

    A good man isn’t hard to find: I had a boyfriend jog across Brooklyn just to hold me as a family member had received scary news regarding their health. Another boyfriend sketched a portrait of me while I slept, presenting it to me on Valentines day. I’ve had music created for me by boyfriends as well. No, a good boyfriend isn’t hard to find. Are we open to receiving them? That’s the real question.

  139.  #139Daria on May 31, 2013 at 8:07 am

    i had a dream but you killed it!

    open heart but you sealed it!

    blew you a kiss but you missed it!

    now i just

    hate you so much like Kelis did


    heard all niggaz is dogs so im big bi*tch

    shakin off fleas scratch my own itch

    so mad right now that im blood rich

    black mamba pack mama high off stars like ms pacman

  140.  #140Daria on May 31, 2013 at 8:11 am

    ““The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman.”

    i feel quietly heart empowered reading this. I get it. I get my power.

    I get that the quality of intimacy is always about how deep in my heart *I* can go. A man could never get deep in my heart without me there. And that’s my magic. That huge soft power that calls him in.

    I feel surprised – triggered and kinda mad others are triggered by it.

  141.  #141Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 8:20 am

    triggers happening with the posts… that’s good…

    a good man isn’t hard to find… that is relative to what anyone might define as good…

    I would love to have a man sketch me while asleep And I realize it is so much more than that … compatibility etc…

    intimacy is in the hands of the woman… again that is a two sided coin…

    yes it is b/c only I can go into intimacy and it isn’t up to anyone else only me… and I also know that it takes two… nothing is every controlled by just one person in the relatioship… however, if I’m “Just being” it is more likely He will follow…

    good triggers get me to look at my stuff…

  142.  #142seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Not even on a horse don’t know where i fell off……….riding around on a stick make believe horse with amnesia…………… possibly a concussion………. no path wandering around some where………… I can take mt everest with a bellow of my anger…………

    my friend has acute leukemia and feelings and thoughts have taken their toll on m y mind and I’m angry…………… brings up so much……..all the stuff around him and then the questions are turned around and become mine…………. time is short…..no time for mistakes and thats all I’ve got………….. trying to understand is not working…….FEEL FEEL FEEl angry angry angryI gained some many steps up the ladder and ended up only gaining one step after tumbling down……….looking at it all is not serving myself well……..get it seahorse….be angry and love it it wants to be free

  143.  #143Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 8:43 am

    “The quality of intimacy in a relationship, with a man who’s still in the room, is, I’m sorry to say, in the hands of the woman.”

    The way I see this statement is that the man being in the room is signaling that he wants and is open to intimacy. When they are not many men disappear. So the man being there is like an invitation to join him. As he can only invite, the power is in the woman’s hand to say yes or no, seeing he can’t force her. As women are the emotional leaders in relationships because we know more about emotions and are usually more focused on the quality of our relationships, I do believe the man can’t do better quality than we can. Whatever quality we bring is what will be reflect back to us through the man. That is if he wants to be there. The fact that he is still in the room I believe is enough to believe he wants to be there. As Rori always says “the woman has to go first”.

  144.  #144Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I’m wasn’t sure what was meant by ‘intimacy’ Daria.

    Sexual ? Emotional? Both I did ask for clarification.

    It feels quite annoying to be dissed for asking for clarification and other people feeling anger towards me for expressing my feelings and asking for clarification on order to try and lean and understand.

    That feels really bad to me to.

    Oh well just have to remind myself that your anger belongs to you and my feelings belong to me.

    So as I do not want to feel bad, will go and take care of myself.

    It felt bad to me reading about that woman situation and like blame was directed towards her for the failure of intimacy.
    In my world the quality of relationship and ‘intimacy’ is two way and is dependent on both parties intent of wanting to meet each other learn, listen and develop better understanding.

  145.  #145Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 8:44 am

    riding around on a stick

    seahorse – you are a witch too?

  146.  #146seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:44 am

    the voice inside that says it’s disgusted with me for being angry……………. f you!!!!!!! I can too be angry!!!!!!! feeling like a little kid and ready to rumble!!!! I get to be angry if I want!!!! go away voice don’t believe you nor do I need you!!! Go away! this is feeling difficult…… because it is and I cna be angry……… soething feels gentle in there too

  147.  #147Daria on May 31, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Syreena – i don’t believe i dissed anyone.

    I did feel triggered and angry reading some sirens’ expressions…

    I actually feel kinda ashamed and worried that i feel angry when i read reactions that differ from mine. I dont actually want to feel angry

  148.  #148seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:49 am

    the voice that says little miss high and mighty…….. she says I don’t get to feel angry………. oh ya?????? I thought I dealt with her but it appears she has ‘friends’………. oh ya???????? I’m coming for you with my laser like focus and youu too shall be loved………………. feels so opposite of what I want to do to it……….. fffffffffffffff…………….. Want my horse back

  149.  #149Daria on May 31, 2013 at 8:51 am

    for me it feels exciting – rather than blame – because it gives me power. i have the power of intimacy in my hands

    when the man is in the room

    wich this mf is NOT right now. and he was, seemingly, and i feel it slipping through my fingers… which is that thing rori says triggers many women and…


    how did i turn something i was so sure of (That this man ADORES me and Craves me) into that same insecure competing and not feeling enough and not getting enough – SHIT!

    that im so familiar with!

    surely i thought not THIS ONE would turn into that

    but alas it did

    im never safe

    ill always turn the best to shit

    an d im healing this

    thats not true (never) (always)


    i feel so mad !

    it might have to do with the Wifi being on in the houes (it works up my nerves)

  150.  #150seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:52 am

    the seawitch……………. melting melting melting……. come here my pretty…………….

    ……and your little dog too!!!!!!

    my dog just grumbled at me……… so strange……… I love my dog

  151.  #151seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Daria that was beautiful

  152.  #152Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 8:53 am

    for me triggers has nothing to do with the other person or what they said… it’s ALL me… and what is going on in my head.. my conditioning and my past trauma…

    Triggers and anger all all mine… and is in no way pointing or directing or even suggesting it has anything to do with the other person’s post or point of view… and for me triggers are a good thing… an opportunity for me to learn and grow….

    I hope my post wasn’t taken as “directed” at anyone… it just me expressing my self and my mind…


  153.  #153seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I ate sugar……….lots of it. Candy and then I ate the protective candy coating on the turkey breast and then I ate some of the actual turkey breast……….. heheheehehe I made myself laugh cuz I ate the protective candy coating on the turkey breast………. oh my…………. amazing stuff really, ingenious idea

  154.  #154seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……… I’m off my normal feed….and thats okay too………. vinegar. Full of pizz and vinegar

  155.  #155Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:59 am

    “The fact that he is still in the room I believe is enough to believe he wants to be there. ”

    Well I don’t know many men who are married and have finances tied up with women who really have that much choice about being there. Unless they are wealthy enough to pay for two properties. Same as the women involved really.
    Comes down to money most of the time in a situation like that.

  156.  #156Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I love the song… by Atlantis Morissette I think…
    I’m a lover
    I’m a slut
    I’m a bitch
    I’m a saint
    I’m a sinner
    I’m everything in between…

    it’s so on target… I get to be it all… and it’s good… love me anyways….

    and yes today I’ve been a witch at least twice… and a bitch once… and a saint… and it isn’t even lunch yet… LOL! eb and flow Lisa… it’s all good…

  157.  #157Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 9:10 am

    148: Daria.

    I hear you.

    I am not able to answer what is right for you, that is your journey.

    It felt odd to me as an observer that someone who says they want what you say you want chose to get involved with a man who lives with another woman. When there are other men out there who don’t. So would IMO be more available for what you say you want.

    It always feels good to me to read when people make more loving choices for themselves. Sadly some people due to their real situations have a few choices, none of which are that good so just end up taking the best choice of a bad bunch of choices, the least worst for now.

  158.  #158Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 9:11 am

    “for me triggers has nothing to do with the other person or what they said… it’s ALL me…”

    Lisa – Rori’s words “What you don’t love about yourself triggers you”.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 9:13 am

    seahorse – I am here loving your process.

    The dog must be feeling your vibe. Angry.

  160.  #160Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Daria – ill always turn the best to shit

    Maybe it is time to change the best to a “new normal”.

  161.  #161Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Syreena – also i want to say im sorry you felt bad reading waht i wrote 🙁

    i can’t wait for the day when im able to express anger and it not come out dismissive

    i hate expressing it for just that reason, it comes out all hot and blamy or cold and dismissive and like a knife slice in the air

    i know its in my energy

    i dont want that

    i want to be done healing this so i can say

    “I feel angry”

    and men and women and everyone feels safe and drawn to me

    like Rori says

  162.  #162seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I am enjoying my anger…………..

  163.  #163Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 9:25 am


    yes, same thing different ways of saying it…

    I didn’t know Rori said that…

    but adding to what she said… it is anything I haven’t loved about myself or accepted about another.. but peace comes when I accept it all… really and that begins with me… loving me… then it is easier to love and accept others…


  164.  #164Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Syreena – i know! i still go for the most dramatic and difficult

    the thing is, i was in love with this man before. we had something.

    i didnt know he was living with another woman until after we saw each other again this time (though he was CLEARLY involved with her… he was also CLEARLY not committed and was CLEARLY powerfully drawn to me and honest about (and not hiding anything or lying to her or me… which wouldve turned me off)

    and then i thought he was only staying with her temporarily

    thats where i really feel played

    “fuc8k it” says fu8ck it voice

    i’m actually moved away emotionally right now, i feel kinda dead towards him

    whcih sux

    cuz dead is Not something i felt towards Him… though i’ve felt towards many men, even when i still feel a bit of love and maybe pity for them and maybe even attraction

    but with him it was always implied-heart-trust and knowing he LOVES me

    and now its like Dead

    fuc8k it . says the voice that always says fu8ck it

  165.  #165Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Feminine Woman – so you’re saying to take that feeling of open heart love and trust as my ‘new normal’ and just keep telling myeslf it is until it is? (which works for me lol)

  166.  #166Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Dead towards him feels better than psycho intense piny towards him though

  167.  #167Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 9:32 am

    It feels amazing what I have learned the last couple of years by leaning back chilling, flirting listening etc. Many many men who luckily I chose not to go there with, openly admitted when having emotional intimate conversations with me that they took what was available and on offer. Didn’t in there opinion ‘lie’ to women who they were involved with when not telling the woman things if she didn’t specifically ask and even if she did, told her the minimum response to not rock the boat and still keep getting what they wanted which in most cases was their cake and eat it. Liked to push women boundaries for fun just to see how far they could get. Liked to be reckless not worrying about the consequences until if and then they occurred and then covering their backs taking great delight in getting away with things. Had a very interesting definition of the truth.

    It felt interesting, to engage sit back observe and listen from a safe unattached distance.

  168.  #168Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:32 am

    wow thank you Seahorse 🙂

  169.  #169Alicia on May 31, 2013 at 9:37 am

    I need advice, I have been seeing a man for 5 years, he calls us friends we talk almost every day and see each other weekly but he is still dating other women, I feel as if I am waiting on him I do not date anyone else or have sex with anyone else I could not truthfully answer that about him and when ever I ask about it he tells me it should not matter because we are just friends, I have tried several times to ask him to leave me alone but he always calls or texts until I give in and start talking to him again and then in a weeks time we are back to the same ole thing, I have asked myself a thousand and one times why I can not just let him go and I come up with the same answer every time I love him I don’t want to anymore all he does is bring me pain can someone please help me end this cycle once and for all , I am finally ready to move on and be happy again

  170.  #170Daria on May 31, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Syreena – i actually do the same as those men. go for what i want, nto do stuff to sabotage getting what i want

    i believe that’s what we’re learning to do here too. i think all human beings do that even if they try not to due to judgements on it.

    i don’t want to judge them for it. i don’t want to judge ME for it

    but i do and i feel insecure consequently

  171.  #171seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 9:38 am

    That feels really strange but…………. i like it. Right now I like it perhaps even loving it………… cool beans….. I want a pedicure…………. and I don’t want anymore of the glazed turkey crack……………. I feel itchy on the back of my neck…………… my foot feels numb on the side. and I think of my ex husband…………. He wasn’t very nice. I can say that now and not feel bad. I feel angry at him for not being that man in the post. I feel angry for him not getting out before having an affair and saying nasty things about me. His truth? Some of it, but mostly, out right lies. Said to gain what?……………. I don’t know,don’t care anymore, and now I feel………… thankful I am out. Mostly I feel angry at me for not loving myself more……………… and then the sweet voice says…..when you know better you do………….. for yourself and you do it better and better

    The angry is still there………… hahahhahaha!! Ranting away in my mind……shhhh shhhh listen seahorse………………….. She’s mad at me for not doing better and taking care of myself……… she wants to hunt down the voice that says I’m safer being solo and alone………… safe where it’s safe……. you’ll get hurt…….. omg …………

  172.  #172Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 9:40 am

    It feels such a parody.

    I both love and fear my anger.

    I love that my anger is there to protect me.
    I feel scared that I have such powerful anger that I could kill.

  173.  #173Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 9:46 am

    The way I see it Daria we are all in this together Daria. Learning to turn things around learning to treat and love ourselves in a better way whist doing out best to also consider and share our love with others. And move get ourselves and any future children out of harms way if we are able to.

    Not easy.

    Hopefully we are all moving forwards, although sometimes if feels like forward then back then around or stuck for a while.


  174.  #174seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 9:46 am

    I see my anger as wild woman hair but done beatuifully and she is…………….. lovely….. and on a hunt tearing through boxes and papers are flying …….searching searching…… knocking over furniture and smashing pots and vases looking for the voice…………. what a mess and thats okay…… it’s my safe place and can be fixed right back up in a jiffy…….. with a blink of my eye………and maybe I’ll redecorate anyways……….. curtains are down and beds are torn apart……. Come out come out where ever you are………….. little ba3stard………..

  175.  #175Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 9:47 am


    My Answer:

    Sounds to me like you’re smack in the middle of a great school called Life 101, where you discover who you are, what you want, what you think, what triggers you, what it all does and doesn’t mean, and how to deal with people who love you but whose way of showing how much they care doesn’t feel good.

    In my personal experience – what I’m fighting within myself, and not owning and LOVING and forgiving and making peace with and embracing inside myself – are the things that most trigger me.

    For instance, if someone were to call me “selfish” I would be hugely triggered.

    When someone mentions my age as though I don’t look “20 years younger” (the way I prefer to see myself…) I find myself hating them and feeling offended.

    I get triggered just as much as anyone.

    The trick is to be able to “catch” all of this, realize quickly that there’s some more love that has to be slathered on myself – these triggered areas especially – and move toward a more peaceful attitude and perspective.

    I change the “meaning” I’ve given it all.

    Love, Rori

  176.  #176seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I feel like I’m mama bear and protecting my cub that is me. This feels difficult……………….. come out come outand lets make friends…………. lie!!!!!!!! beep beep beep!!!!!!!!!! I still want to clobber the dang thing but I hear the love voice and am getting disgusted at it. Come on!!!???!!!!!! I just caught myself saying this is hard again. Bingo!! Caught ya little &^&^&%#&^%#&^%#&^!!!!! I see you !!!!!!!!

  177.  #177seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 9:56 am

    I feel sick………… I think too much apple vinegar to combat the sugar………… egads……..

  178.  #178seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:00 am

    I am fighting the voice that says I am safe inside and not socializing………… ???????????????? i feel stuck in my mind

  179.  #179seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:00 am

    I don’t love that I got fat

  180.  #180seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:02 am

    ouch…….and there opens a whole bunch of stuff that needs love. Sweet little seahorse

  181.  #181seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:04 am

    And I don’t want to go out because I’m fat. Everybody will see and it’s shameful to be fat…………. that really hurts bad. Pain in my chest right above my heart. dull but painful. Feels like i know its bad to feel like that but, normal

  182.  #182seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:07 am

    That is some seriously old stuff……. shame of the likes I had forgotten……. but not really forgotten. Just waiting like a freakin bomb for just the right low moment……..KABLOOEY!!!!!!!!!! Right in my fn face….. welllllllll F!

  183.  #183seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:09 am

    and out of the f’ing blue this thought……………….

    Aren’t we all just lovely………………… thats my Grammy’s voice. Now tears, and a big hug for seahorse

  184.  #184April Rose on May 31, 2013 at 10:10 am


    Maybe you don’t feel dead towards him. Maybe you just feel turned off ?

  185.  #185seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I’m crying and want to have a bubble bath…. okay. Thank you from the bottom to the top of my heart. I feel tired now.

  186.  #186April Rose on May 31, 2013 at 10:20 am

    “… Rori’s words “What you don’t love about yourself triggers you”….”

    Every interaction I have with a particular (female) work colleague results in my hatred of her. It’s accompanied by a tight-feeling hot headache gripping my temples.

    How do I process this?

  187.  #187seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:39 am

    My yoga teacher told me one day after I had mentioned that I was gaining weight…….. just stood there and looked me over with those all seeing eyes of hers,and said…… You’re protecting yourself………….. I had one of those deep gonging bell inside moments. The man I was seeing was an old boyfriend………… yep, same as my exhusband…………. do over AGAIN. More of the love is supposed to hurt so this is normal pattern………….. the post reminded me that the hurt is still there and needs more love. LOVE DOES NOT HURT……….. a new normal. Gentle as she goes……………….. I feel like OH YEAH……… feels like the sea is very rough right now and the weak joints in my boat are showing……taking on water. So…….. bail out the boat, make repairs while still maintaining the course set, maybe a calm port for fresh water……….

  188.  #188Andrea on May 31, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Lisa # 136, I am with you right there.

    Feeling stuck around money. When I first started counseling with a life coach I told him that I wanted to work on my feelings around money and men.

    Money and Men.. and yes Lisa… why they are so tied together?? Love and money…

    I think that I’m being handed a great learning tool because the man I’m seeing/dancing back and forth with.. is seriously wealthy in a non-showy type of way. He’s frugal but when he does spend, he spends BIG. I’ve seen his properties and I was with him when he re-financed one of his houses, so I know exactly what his credit rating is.. unbelievably high. His banker even said, “How in the world does someone in America have a credit rating like that?”

    And then there’s me… I’m 40, with a failed business, and huge amount of debt, and going back to school, racking up more debt….

    When I moved to this college town I told myself I was going to concentrate on my studies and on my future and the future of my two girls…. I had been single already for 11 years trying to be a mom and run my own business.. what was a few years more???

    I dated a lot, for fun and to have drinks and dinners for free.. but I never fell in love, or considered it, until this man. And it’s not because of his wealth.. although, that is a huge huge part of it. It feels like, to me, that he can handle what ever I throw at him financially and still rise to the top. His financial prowess is exciting and inspiring to me.

    But, I also have so little understanding of how all the energies balance and play with each other. I started out our relationship feeling weak and subservient and desperate…. like I couldn’t believe that someone like him would choose me.
    It’s different now. I’m not sure what has changed. I think I’m more positive about my own future, now that I see an end to my long tunnel of school and I am finding a career path that I am phenomenally excited about. And seeing some success in.. not monetarily, but life giving enthusiasm.. I mean.. I can DO it and I’m GREAT at it!!! And I LOVE it. and the money will come.

    So I guess it’s been a matter of ME seeing what I’m really WORTH.. and it has less to do with finances, more to do with my place in this Universe. Something like that.

    But yes, I would really like to do more with exploring the idea of money and love and how it all ties together. And how I want to be on the receiving end, but also have my own financial freedom and show my daughters how to dance with money as well.

  189.  #189seahorse on May 31, 2013 at 10:49 am

    whoa…………. call me Ishmael….. or maybe Ishmaela…………..;)

  190.  #190IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Feeling so sad and triggered. Wrote so much and it got deleted…:(

    @143 Feminine Woman – I think you just completely summed up my “big problem…”

    what you wrote feels so profound and deep and true…and scary to me…

  191.  #191Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 11:12 am

    Purple – 131 – Are you truly leaning back or pulling away yourself?


  192.  #192Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Lisa – 136 – You are perfect just the way you are RIGHT NOW. Not to say there isn’t room for growth and blossoming even bigger and more beautifully. There’s always room for more since this is a life long journey. YET this doesn’t take away in the least little bit what I opened this comment with – You are PERFECT just the way you are.


  193.  #193Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Lisa – 152 – Awesome. 🙂


  194.  #194prplpsn28 on May 31, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Dominique 190 – I really don’t know. Could I be? I don’t have a reason to be. Things have been going great.

  195.  #195Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 11:36 am

    About triggers – this may help.



  196.  #196Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Purple – Okay, good – I believe you. Just checking in, asking you to check in with yourself. 🙂


  197.  #197Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 11:45 am

    “Okay, good – I believe you”

    Dominique it feels kinda comforting to read these words. Like an internal sigh feeling to feel relaxed.

    Is this the way you choose trust? Or demonstrate to your listener that you are trusting their words?

  198.  #198Rori Raye on May 31, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Alicia – Welcome – and here’s your short answer: If you can’t leave this man – I can get that – it’s a big move for you, given how long you’ve been in it, how you must feel about yourself inside. BUT – why you are not ALSO dating other men – Circular Dating for real – that’s NOT understandable, reasonable in any way.

    You need help to Circular Date, get out there and change your life. It might change your relationship with this man – which is ONLY Friends With Benefits right now, because that’s ALL it can be if he’s still seeing other women. It might not change him – but it would certainly change YOU!! Please get some coaching. Dominique here is wonderful, and if you want to work with me, go to: http://www.coachrori.com/private-coaching. If you’re not ready yet to take a huge leap and start dating yourself, and then new men – no amount of reading or coaching would help. AND – I KNOW you can do this! We need to help you empower yourself!! Please take some steps, get the ebook, hire a coach, take some classes, get a life, talk to new men, firt…Love, Rori

  199.  #199Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 11:59 am

    “In anger I told them both that they could do what they like”

    I wonder if it was the anger that made the difference. Men tend to be very sensitive to our tone and I believe take the things we say very seriously when we are angry.

    “and that he didn’t want to lose me” – Does this suggest that he was more afraid of losing her than he was of her anger? This whole scenario reminds me of the book “What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You”.

  200.  #200Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 11:59 am

    I’m telling myself all the wonderful things I want to hear from a “man” might be “M” and might not.. but tears rolled down my face… it felt deep… I would totally chase me.. to the ends of the earth… and I would totally ( if I were a man seeing me) not let me go… and I would totally send me flowers and take me on romantic picnics etc..

    I dated me today… and I smelled the wonderful flowers and poured my heart out to me… it felt good…

    I love being me…

    @ Dominique Thanks so much <3

    I think it is working… I'm getting it… I'm an amazing catch….and I'm so worth the effort… NOW what man is going to realize this?

    My heart is open now… it feels good…

    I love this group and wish I could stay all day on this forum and read and open my heart to everyone… if time wasn't an issue.. sending

    @seahorse big hugs… love… lots of love… your an amazing woman!

  201.  #201Turquoise on May 31, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’m excited… the weather is beautiful and lots of good things coming up! Doing some redecorating at home, new furniture for my girls, painting, possibly putting in wood floors in a few areas…. getting major yard work done, putting on a deck and putting up a fence. Will feel wonderful to freshen/brighten everything up. 🙂

    We are going to DC next weekend with the Girl Scouts, but will get to see my ex where he works and get some tours, plus visit the zoo, multiple museums and enjoy being with friends for the weekend. I’m very excited! School will be out, so feels really great it will be summer and lots of fun to look forward to.

    THen we have a week at Disney with my ex in July, and I have to admit, I feel really positive about it. I’m glad we co-parent the way we do…. the girls still get great memories with both of us, and while not traditional, it works for us. I feel lucky to be included, as he is paying for most of it. Since he’s planning and making reservations, etc. I’ve been able to practice leaning back, being receptive, showing appreciation and giving gratitude.

    Mr. Conversation is still in the friend zone… and I like it. 🙂 There is always the flirtation and temptation of something more, almost like I guess a fling would be…. yet it’s not my focus. I don’t feel tied to him, just enjoying it for what it is, and truly enjoy the friendship/companionship we provide each other. Our kids get along so well, it’s nice to have someone I can call to help me too, if I need it. So, that is working for me, and I truly feel no pull to be a couple with him. He seems almost jealous that my ex is helping with stuff at the house and we are doing the vacation together. It’s an interesting dynamic to deal with. I don’t normally get that kind of practice.

    There is a new guy I’m excited about. An old childhood friend that I’ve been in touch with on Facebook for awhile. His mom just passed away, and I’m doing a human trafficking fundraiser where we sell purses. He donated all her purses and came to meet me after work the other day. He’s really cute! Cuter than I remembered, nice build…. and a very nice guy. He has a good job, a 12 year old son, seems to have his life together. We’ve been texting a bit the last few days and he just asked me out… or suggested we go out, no specific plans yet. But I’m looking forward to it. He also lives pretty close. 🙂

    I read something that I’ve been doing lately, and it’s really helping my confidence. It said to assume that all men think you are attractive! So smile, make strong eye contact… and just believe that, yes,… he does in fact want you! I have felt great all week and do feel it’s made a difference in my appearance. It also said to always look your best, men are visual… the same blah blah… which at first I was kind of like… hrmph, why should I? They don’t, but then I just started doing it, like an experiment…. and I do feel better about myself. I was always presentable, but now I’m taking some extra care, trying new things… etc. and I do feel good about me, and that is the point. I still wear jeans and tanks and flip flops, but with cute earrings, my hair fixed a little more, makeup as usual, but just a few extra touches, color in my wardrobe, of course I’m partial to turquoise 😉 but I do feel really great! 🙂 Hope you all have a great weekend!

  202.  #202IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    okay, so I asked this guy I’m interested in for help, and it turns out I don’t really need his help, and he seemed so excited to be able to help me!

    I need a script…

    “wow, thanks for being so willing to help! I actually got it taken care of, but I really appreciate (you?) (your willingness?)”


  203.  #203Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    IamHis – I am wondering if asking both appreciating him and asking for a raincheck on his offer could work.

  204.  #204IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I feel really scared.

    Why was he so okay with walking in, being seen with me, appearing as though we are a couple?

    why does that scare me so much?

    I feel like I still don’t know him well enough.

    Part of me feels angry, like, how dare you mark ME as YOUR territory?

    & this other guy seems so excited that I asked him for help, and now I don’t need his help and I feel sad and guilty about that.

    I would love to spend time with him without needing his help!

    Would it be leaning forward just to tell him that?

  205.  #205IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    @202 Femininewoman – thanks, but this is a one-time only kind of thing that I need help with…

    I can’t think of anything else i would need his help for…!

  206.  #206IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    I feel a lot of anxious energy inside me.
    It doesn’t feel good.

    My NV’s are like, “you don’t know how to interact with men you are interested in and you are going to screw these little interactions up, like you screw everything up.”

    I feel clingy.
    I want to stop clenching their clothes.
    I want to feel how good it feels to let go…

    I feel anxious letting go…

    and I feel anxious letting them in…

    it’s like I don’t know how much to open myself, how much to let them in, and how to maintain my own balance…

    or if I should even try to get to know more than one guy…

    it never seems to work!

    they always seem to end up seeing me with the other guy, and giving up on me…

    being with a girl who wants the boyfriend trap.

    “always” is an over-generalization…

    I feel scared of being left….

    That’s what it is…

    I feel scared of getting too attached to one or the other…

    I seriously felt so nervous and exposed sitting next to the one guy.

    I started sweating I was so nervous!

    probably because I felt like EVERYONE was looking at us!!!!!!!

    I joined meetup.com and a couple of dating sites, but I haven’t put up a gorgeous current photo.

    I can’t seem to find any…

    or like any current ones that have been taken…

    I hate most of the current ones that have been taken.

    I feel like I don’t look like myself?

    and that’s mainly why I don’t like them…

  207.  #207Dominique on May 31, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Femininewoman – Yes in part. With a partner, or really with most anyone, I suggest choosing trust because if you carry around doubt and suspicion, not only do YOU feel bad feeling this way, waiting, watching, on guard, your energy will also feel bad to others, prickly, not nice to be around for long.

    And as you so love to say – what you focus on grows. It works either way.

    And if someone is truly not worthy of your trust, it will come out all on its own without any help from you.

    In Purple’s case, or with anyone I’m working with, it’s become a more instinctive thing. I can usually tell when someone is possibly in denial. Or when they are coming from a mostly clean and clear place.


  208.  #208Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    April Rose – ooh I like that! I feel turned off… in my heart…

    okay I can say that

    but saying that im like well my body doesn’t feel turned off and right now I feel all cry soft and wanna melt in his arms

    but guess what!


    this is happening cuz of my leaning forward (driving to him)

    I jumped off my bridge into the pits!

    and you know what… I’m like… open to other men as being my man now

    I feel all smily soft

    what makes me ‘trip’ ‘pist’ ‘humiliated’ ‘scared’ is that as I ‘fade away-lean back’ he’s just gonna forget about me and get more into the relationship with the other woman’


    that’s just the fear!

    YIPEE 🙂

    I can trust that HE WILL make enough money as he wants to care for me (scared when he said: I haven’t yet even made enough to get a hotel room for us for the nite ((this a few weeks ago when I felt how into us he was)) )

    it will all swing back my way if I just go back to taking care of ME

    you know what? what if I had been brave enough when that one time it was supposed to be me and him and the woman was there and I found out last minute if I had said

    ‘you know you guys, you all are cool, and actually I have romantic feelings for him and I don’t feel comfortable hanging out us three in this situation… what do you think we should do baby?’

    that would’ve felt WAY SCARY! but that would’ve kept me for me …

    and that’s where I think I first lost me and planted the seed for getting pendulum-swingy-intense (and I acutally made up this interesting dramatic story that I actually told a couple guy friends about how im involved in a polygamous relationship) and lost some of my respect for him how he was taking care of me

    and now that I look back he invited me back that evening… yet he also turned his phone off while I would’ve been on the way (I didn’t actually get on the way) so I felt like I was ‘losing’ him and guessing he was with her

    YAH I wasn’t all the way REAL at that time and that lil seed grew and you know what its good! cuz im getting more real now babystep by babystep


    I LOVE ME!

    what if she would’ve said something mean to me and I would’ve felt scared and angry and paralyzed! what if she attacked me! I don’t want to feel afraid of these things!

    I want to heal this and this is a great opportunity for that!

    YAY! 🙂

  209.  #209Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    yay i feel free

    right now when i think of him i think of him smiling and i feel like “baby” 🙂 open heart

    but not piny or nothin! yeaahhh i made it through my stuff ! and saw MY stuff 🙂

  210.  #210Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:10 pm


  211.  #211Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    i cant wait to have sex again! with someone else! or even with him!

    wonderful Daria sex!

  212.  #212Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    i love when i can turn a situation focus on me and see where i can grow! AHHHH i feel joy!

  213.  #213Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    what the fu9ck really? i feel so much better and me focused ! 🙂

  214.  #214Daria on May 31, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    i can see how this helps me with healing with my sister and other situations where a man and a woman are involved.,,

    omg it comes all back to me!

    and healing me!

    i feel such relief!

    i feel like in the spirit either my baby is happy i found my way to happy me that is the energy he likes 🙂

    lol head toss back i feel so good! 🙂

  215.  #215Rori Raye on May 31, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    To reverse the situation in the post – what if your husband spent his emotional energy taking care of others (child and relative), abandoned the idea of romance in your marriage, opted for separate bedrooms, and stopped having sex with you.

    Would you be happy to live like this for the rest of your life? As roommates?

    Would you assume, that because you’d been married for 23 years, that you were supposed to stay in this marriage – as is?

    This is how I see KC’s experience. It sounds as though she really couldn’t have cared less if the romance and sex and emotional intimacy went out the window.

    Yes – it takes work to apply energy to a relationship when there are so many other things that take our energy away.

    And – would you accept that answer from your husband, as a reason why he isn’t interested in creating depth in your marriage? Not me.

    If my man just lost interest in the marriage (as KC clearly did, here, for many years before this other woman even came into the conversation) – I’d be all over it.

    I’d be in pole dancing class, I’d read every book on sex and Tantra I could, I’d buy every program of mine and every other relationship “guru” on the web, I’d get counseling, I’d Circular Date. I’d CARE. I’d want to FIX it. I’d TALK to my husband. I’d find out what HIS needs are that weren’t being met before I’d EVER let an extreme change like separate bedrooms happen.

    AND – KC’s husband didn’t know what to do. He did nothing. He just let it happen. Almost ALL men would do exactly the same thing. That’s why it’s up to the woman to “go first.”

    She has to start the conversation. She has to locate where things have broken down – as Katie did. She has to get creative – because women hold the sexual intimacy of a relationship, and the emotional intimacy of a relationship in their hands. Men are not built emotionally to be the leader where emotions are concerned. Vulnerability is in the hands of the woman. And vulnerability is what makes love possible.

    The only reason to be in a marriage day after day is because we make each other happy. On ALL levels. We CARE about all levels.

    If someone doesn’t care – and the other partner DOES – then the partner that cares has to start the work.

    Her husband started the work by telling his wife.

    KC then threw it out the window by telling him “whatever” and emotionally leaving.

    There’s no one and nothing to blame, here.

    All I can see here is that KC doesn’t care, she hasn’t for years, that’s what her husband picked up on long ago, and that coaching is the way to go here if she wants to reverse that.

    Love, Rori

  216.  #216LoveAlways on May 31, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Took myself out on an impromptu date this evening. I feel glorious

  217.  #217Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 5:35 pm


    This feels so confusing to me.
    As on the reverse side you advocate not to initiate sex.
    And not to initiate romance.
    Was he initiating either?
    There really isn’t enough
    And to not fix, that fixing isn’t our job.
    This thread feels very judgmental of the woman here
    Sometimes i just don’t get the contradictions Rori.
    Also how we are told in reverse situations that men are not women and women are not men.
    And yet now I am reading if we reverse the situation.
    And this sure appears like blaming the woman to me.
    That is how it appears to me and is my reality of what I am reading here.
    Completely respect your point of view and your reality though Rori and that is not how you see it through your eyes.
    My eyes and what I see are not your eyes I am me.
    Like I said in my world it takes two.

    There just doesn’t seem enough to go on here, with this womans story. And not knowing the mans. The whole picture and whole story is needed really to know what is going on.

  218.  #218Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    “I’d be in pole dancing class, I’d read every book on sex and Tantra I could, I’d buy every program of mine and every other relationship “guru” on the web, I’d get counseling, I’d Circular Date. I’d CARE. I’d want to FIX it. I’d TALK to my husband. I’d find out what HIS needs are that weren’t being met before I’d EVER let an extreme change like separate bedrooms happen.”

    Well God only knows where most women would be able to afford that and have the time and energy whilst dealing with the reality of bringing up two children especially one who was doing important exams and having their own emotional problems.
    and looking after a sick relative.

    No idea where this woman lives, but here in the uk the last few years due to the way the education curriculum has changed and continuous coursework assessment rather than exams, the parents are pretty much expected to help with hours and hours of homework.

    From what I have read I am just surprised that the woman, is not suffering from complete exhaustion or seriously physical or emotionally illness. Or on some sort of mummys little helpers so she goes away blots out the problems and just gets on with it.

  219.  #219IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    thanks, Rori. That sheds some light on things. wow, I still feel sad reading it, though.

    I think if I were in the same situation, I think it would be okay to divorce. I don’t know if I’d want to fight for the marriage at that point. but her anger, i feel like there’s something to that anger…

    I feel scared because my tendency is to shut down when there are problems.

    when i can tell he is significantly interested in another girl.

    or when i feel neglected, or unsure of where things are headed, I get so scared and shut down.

    and that’s a huge problem.

    with all my insecurities and shutting down, it’s no wonder any of my “almost relationships” come to a hault.

    and I always feel livid with anger when they physically come back into my proximity, but don’t start a conversation. (probably because they can feel my tension and my anger and my fear that always bubbles up when they come back around.)

    I feel abandoned.
    I feel like what are you doing here? you’re just going to leave again…
    I’m not good enough to not be left…

    wow, triggered, tears, gosh this hurts.

    so much potential love lost….

    so much learning lost…

    so much built up fear, and so many built up feelings of inadequacy….

    I HATE my inexperience.
    I feel humiliated by it.
    Especially since I’m a pretty girl, with a lot going for me.

    I feel like people judge my inexperience and think “why does she never get into relationships? There must be something WRONG with her…”

    and the truth is, I do think there’s something wrong with me.

    something unloveable, something ignorant, awkward, shaky…

    something lacking…

    tears are flowing now….

  220.  #220IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    guy who was going to help me texted me with a “…” at the end and I just gave him a close-ended answer.

    apparently “…” MEANS something, and I was too stupid or scared to let it mean something…

  221.  #221IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I feel really scared writing this, because everybody keeps telling me to give up on it, but I’ve always listened to what other people told me to do, rather than listening to my own intuition…

    SMC keeps coming around and I don’t understand why.

    He’ll walk beside me. Close enough to where he could talk to me, but far away enough that it feels far away…

    and I…I just can’t…

    He still stares at me. I caught him staring at me and I felt so angry, I just jerked my head to look forward.

    I softened, realizing there must be a reason why he was looking at me so intently and he looked really sad and guilty or something?

    Ever since I broke off the friendship, I feel like he’s come around so many times.

    I spoke to him and his fiance after his friend died. I will only acknowledge HIM when the two of THEM are together.

    and he only seems to acknowledge or try to reach out to me (in a friendship way or whatever way) and that makes me feel LIVID.

    I feel like he’s tried to talk to me so many times.

    at least seven times since I broke off the friendship.

    I just can’t handle being the backburner girl…

    this is definitely a pattern that the universe is bringing up for me to heal…

    I don’t know how to heal it!

    I’m crazy about him and I try so hard not to be crazy about him and he keeps coming around and I feel terrified and confused because I don’t know what he wants from me!

    If it were just friendship then why won’t he ever speak to me when he’s with her!

    It’s shady and it sucks!

    and meanwhile, I’m trying to stay open to other SINGLE men.

    He seems to be friends with everybody.

    and it’s not easy for me to be open, okay?

    I have so much mistrust and anger and hatred towards men, and I shouldn’t but I do, and I don’t know what to do about it…

    I hate them so much sometimes.

    how much I Love them….
    how they leave me…

    they always leave me.

    okay, kind of sobbing now…

  222.  #222IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I don’t want to be the EMOTIONAL Baramoter in a stinnking relationship. I need help with my emotions, dang it.

    I guess that’s just !@#$!@#$!@#$ the way it is…

    I guess emotionally communicative and aware men just don’t exist, or if they do, they don’t come in proximity with me…

    they don’t open their mouths…

    I feel so scared and shaky and angry I want to throw things and scream…

  223.  #223IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    I have this other guy who is supposedly wanting to take me on a date, but all we’re doing is talking online…

    I want to be like, you know, we could be having this conversation in person if you had some freaking balls and could ask me out…

  224.  #224Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    God I feel angry about this.
    And on top of that this woman was dealing with a family bereavement.
    But hey she isn’t supposed to grieve, no she is supposed to get out there and go pole dancing and etc etc. bllloooddyyyy hell, that woman sound like she went through hell to me. But Like I said I do not know the whole story.

  225.  #225Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Rori I so get this. I can understand why most women would not want to do this. I also know that taking a stance/an intransient position will not create healing. How to get over our pride and our egos is a challenge. How to be willing to go first in any situation. Being a leader one has to be willing to take the team with you to the winning finish line. The leader has to be mature enough to lead. Unfortunately most of us have not learned how to lead emotionally even though the men are waiting around for us to do it. No wonder the relationship boat can get stalled. It is one of the reasons why I believe that marriage can be a safety net where the woman can really be emotionally open. As long as the man has not checked out of the marriage things can start moving again. In the right direction if there is a commitment to get back what is lost.

  226.  #226IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    *and he only seems to acknowledge or try to reach out to me (in a friendship way or whatever way) when she is NOT THERE and that makes me feel LIVID.

  227.  #227Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Iamhis do you believe men love to admire beautiful women? Do you believe that there is something about you that would make men feel good around you? Have you considered looking around to see if there are other guys staring rather than focusing on this one guy?

  228.  #228Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Rori now that I see this clearly in your writing I can see why one of my brothers seem to be happily married while the other is not. One of my sisters-in-law is willing to talk. She will pull back when he is not ready to talk through any disagreement but she is ready when he is. The other one only seem to be willing to remain angry and use blame.

  229.  #229IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    men are waiting around for us to emotionally lead?!!!!

    what the ^&*(?

    what happened to men being the leaders?

    if they don’t lead, I thought “they’re just not that into you!”

    I feel livid!

  230.  #230IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    “She will pull back when he is not ready to talk through any disagreement but she is ready when he is…”

    wow, thanks for this Feminine woman.

    i’m being serious, not sarcastic.

    this is hitting the nail on the head with what my “issues” have always been….

    I feel so sad that I’m just now on the cusp of starting to learn…

  231.  #231IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    I feel so sad and angry at myself.

    I feel like guys have always been there for me, “ready to talk.”

    I’ve been the one who gets angry and blames.

    It’s just so dang scary…

    I feel unworthy…

    I assume abandonment and then get abaondoned…

    I can’t believe how many wonderful men that I’ve loved have slipped away…

    I don’t know how not to shut down.

    I don’t know how to stop feeling anger and blame…

    I don’t know to stop assuming that they’re going to choose the other woman, leave me, leave me, leave me

    God, please don’t leave me…


  232.  #232IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    @226 feminine woman – there are other guys staring. there always are…

    and I always feel hatred, anger, suspicion, and unworthiiness…

    It especially infuriates me when THEY HAVE SOMEONE AND I DON’T


    I’m sick of feeling guilty for wanting to get to know more than one guy, for wanting to spend quality time with more than one guy…

    when other girls may not have that…

    or the man himself may not have that…

  233.  #233Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    Iamhis I don’t know what to say to you. I honestly don’t resonate with most of what you write here. It seems to me that most of the time you spend your time talking yourself out of your life. It is as if you have planted yourself in one spot with all the anger and whatever and refuse to find your way out of the rabbit hole. Sorry if this sound harsh but I have wanted to say this to you for a while.

  234.  #234IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:40 pm

    no, I appreciate it, Feminine woman.

    I needed to hear that…

  235.  #235IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    “It seems to me that most of the time you spend your time talking yourself out of your life.

    (this may be partially true, but only when i’m on here…)

    It is as if you have planted yourself in one spot with all the anger and whatever and refuse to find your way out of the rabbit hole.

    ( I feel like I am finding my way out of the rabbit hole. Talking about all this, admitting all this, venting, riffing, whatever, it’s really helping me to want to change. driving me to change.


    I feel exhausted and empowered and a little scared and embarrassed.

    I refuse to live in fear, anger, and to be stuck anymore…

    thanks, fw. I really do appreciate it…

  236.  #236Rori Raye on May 31, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    FW – Thank you so much for putting my comment into clarity!

    Saying – “women must emotionally lead” is perhaps not the clearest way I could have said this. FW – you made it clear. The “leading” I meant is not in “initiating ACTION!!!” The “leading” I meant here is “going FIRST.” Meaning being the first one willing to open up. The first one to step into the UNKNOWN of what’s going to happen next. The first one to forgo blame and open to a solution. The first one willing to HEAR the other. The first one willing to forgo REACTING from feeling angry and offended and upset, and DROP ALL defenses.

    You can’t heal anything, yes, if you can’t walk away. But why walk away as a response when a man has made the first move by speaking first?

    Syreena – I hear your upset and passion about this story, and I feel it, too, that’s why I keep writing.

    And I’m totally open to your disagreeing with me about anything. And yet, I’m wondering about some of your questions about what I mean by certain things, so – I need to ask – have you worked with the ebook?

    It would, I hope, clarify all your questions. It’s very hard to piece together my “methodology” and philosophy from the blog – there are so many various ways I come at things.

    To clarify further – “Going First” emotionally is NOT “Rowing the Boat.” It’s the opposite. It’s opening up so much, speaking so honestly and without judgment, that you’re willing to HEAR the other person. Even if what he wants and needs feels terrible to you – It’s about using Feeling Messages, and not running scared. It’s about staying with what’s going on, and taking responsibility for at least your 50% of it.

    And about KC – I can see how you might have picked up “judgment” from the post – and yet, here’s what I see: There’s nothing WRONG with not wanting to be married to somebody! And it seems to me that KC put out her agreement to NOT have what she herself calls a “normal” marriage. And her husband agreed to it too. So there’s nothing for me to be judgmental about! I simply see a choice here on KC’s part, and I wanted to point a light at it.

    In KC’s marriage, the talking needed to start long ago. This other woman is just a symptom of that moment when they could have saved the spark of the marriage – or moved to separate bedrooms. At that point, KC made her decision about what was important to her. When things are hard, we all run to other places. Emergencies happen – and often we make emergencies to avoid dealing with painful situations.

    And we can’t have it all.

    We ALL have choices in life. If you don’t have time to give to your child fully, 100% as best you can, then parenting is not a good idea for you (though so many people have children when they don’t have the time and energy).

    And if you don’t have the will to be present with and attentive to your husband or romantic life partner (we’re not talking about a few rough months that you work together to get through – we’re talking about something that goes on for years and kills the romance in a marriage) – then you’re not making room in your life for relationship.

    So many women tell me they want love and relationship more than anything – and yet they choose long workdays, gym classes, nights with girfriends and family – and leave no space whatsoever to cultivate themselves as women and meet available men – much less have time and energy for them once they’re dating.

    When we’re in crisis – family, children, health – there’s often no time for romance. This is what happens to marriages.

    And that’s why an utter commitment to relationship is needed. For many women – it’s too much trouble.
    I know you believe a man needs to pick up the slack – and in the beginning of a relationship – that’s especially true. But a man cannot put out energy to a woman who he feels doesn’t really want him. And that happens all the time. That’s what I heard in the letter – and I still stand by Hope Springs as a terrific example of a woman “going first” in a VERY feminine way. Meryl Streeps character is powerfully vulnerable. She puts it all on the line.

    Katie and Gay worked it out not because Gay was so amazing – but because Katie didn’t run. Because she looked at HER side of it, surely asked herself what she’d missed that this caught her by surprise, and got “creative.”

    Relationships take attention. It’s a requirement. Otherwise, they fade and die. Men deserve to be happy and loved, just like we do. Some are capricious, but most are genuinely just looking for happiness and a way out of loneliness. We need to respect that, just as we respect our own deserving of happiness.

    Love, Rori

  237.  #237Daria on May 31, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    yay more guys who can be my lover are showing up!

    including lost ones from over a year ago!

  238.  #238LoveAlways on May 31, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Cool Rori

  239.  #239IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    @235 Rori – gorgeous writing, thank you so much!!!

  240.  #240Luzydel on May 31, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    I wonder; why someone like me wanting a loving committed relationship goes for men that are afraid of it. I wonder if these men are a mirror of my own fear. And then freak out when the see my fear and run away…

  241.  #241Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    I amhis.
    Do you come from a family background where one ot both of your parents emotionally were unavailable or emotionally abandoned you?

  242.  #242Femininewoman on May 31, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Rori – I feel deep appreciation for all you have shared here. Sometimes things are not clear until they are put in the context of an experience. Hopefully we get the lesson in this one.

  243.  #243Daria on May 31, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    i feel pist!

    i keep leanign forward with men opps


  244.  #244Daria on May 31, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    Friday nite… i wonder where these chicks are goin

  245.  #245Daria on May 31, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    oh! thinking of that i know wehre *I* can go! to the Zen lounge!! yah!!!

  246.  #246Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    Rori Thank you for clarifying the leading as in opening up.
    That makes more sense to me now.

    Yes I have the e book , perhaps need to read again.

    “So many women tell me they want love and relationship more than anything – and yet they choose long workdays, gym classes, nights with girfriends and family – and leave no space whatsoever to cultivate themselves as women and meet available men – much less have time and energy for them once they’re dating.?”

    I want to laugh and scream both at the same time as now this paragraph also confuses the hell out of me.
    I don’t want to be confused. I want to understand.
    One moment, I feel like I understand where you are coming from. And then the next it appears that you write the opposite to what you have previously written which then to me appears to contradict. Like with the above paragraph. Isn’t that what you advocate to get a life where we are happy without a man first” And now it appears to me from the above paragraph that this is critisisng who do that.
    What am i missing or getting wrong? Can you help me.
    I want to understand.
    Maybe I am just to tired, I don’t know.

    “a man cannot put out energy to a woman who he feels doesn’t really want him. And that happens all the time.”

    I get this, I believe that for many women though if a man puts out energy from a needy child like place and does not engage us emotionally or romantically as a whole woman that many women are turned off and stop wanting their sexual advances. Or many men go to work , then come back want their dinner do the jobs etc, want to swithch off not engage and just fall asleep infront of tv.

    Also many women like you say yourself do the work and just don’t want the man anymore,

    Trouble is, finances and children tie people together. So they stay together because realistically finacially are not really able to get out without committing finacial suicide to both parties.

    From the snippets that the op wrote for me it just isn’t enough to go on to be able to see and understand the who dynamics, picture and story.

    I honestly do not know how most women would be able to carry on sleeping with a man who announced he wanted to be poly. And share two women. I personally wouldn’t be able to cope with that.

    She did say she wanted out and it appears that this is what she wants once her children have left the nest, but is prepared to let him do what he wants in the mean time.

    To me it just looks like it is another woman who has been left to look after the kids and other family members while hubby gets pally with co worker bringing her back to their home as a friend.
    Seriously, I just do not get what that is about?
    Is that ok nowadays then?
    I don’t personally know any of my married friends who would put up with that.

  247.  #247IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    @240 Syreena – yes. one emotionally unavailable, one physically and emotionally unavailable. and I feel.so.dang.guilty saying that. but yes.

    they really did the best they could.
    I honestly believe that.

    but that’s the past and this is now and now is what I want to focus on and now is what I’m going to change and I am going to change and I am going to open up and I am going to speak and I am going to feel everything and it’s going to be okay.

  248.  #248Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    “Men deserve to be happy and loved, just like we do. Some are capricious, but most are genuinely just looking for happiness and a way out of loneliness. We need to respect that, just as we respect our own deserving of happiness.”

    Isn’t it about learning to be responsible for making ourselves happy and being loving so we attract and are attracted to a man who is doing the same and we then come together to share our love and happiness together? Not about trying to get another person to make us happy and love us and make us feel worthy?

  249.  #249Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    246: IamHis.

    And do you think you are attracted to and attract men who are the same?

  250.  #250IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    …I don’t know.

    who are the same…

    I got to this point where I was just repulsed with Jack CD. it was like he was just playing with girls for the sake of playing with girls. no intention of putting himself out there at all, taking a risk, going deeper.

    I do feel like i take risks and go deeper.

    but I saw myself in him, definitely, and I didn’t like what I saw.

    I saw someone who was just happy getting attention from the opposite sex, without necessarily letting the opposite sex see who I actually am.

    am I attracted to emotionally unavailable men?
    I think I was…

    but I think I’m moving past it…

    I can’t get over the terror I was feeling, sitting next to that guy, that guy who wasn’t shy about being seen with me, about it looking like we were talking, and him being okay with it looking like we were talking….

    I feel like it was a huge turning point for me.

    not him, the person, but what he represents…

    maybe I’m ready to be “seen” somehow?

    I feel tired…

  251.  #251Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Two lonely people coming together just then = lonely.

    Lonely plus lonely = lonely not love.

    Two loving people coming together = love.
    love plus love = love.

  252.  #252IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    finished targetting Mr. Right. Feels like a huge, time consuming accomplishment…

    moving on to Love Scripts for Dating…

    I feel exhausted, but good…

  253.  #253Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    As adults don’t we get involved with people who are at our same level on woundedness?

  254.  #254Syreena on May 31, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    NN all time to stop ignoring my tiredness and switch off and quiet the chattering monkeys

  255.  #255Rori Raye on May 31, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Syreena – what we’re exploring here are OPTIONS. If it were possible to turn this around – is looking at it in a “one person is wrong, one person is right” perspective helpful? Not in my world. In my world, everyone takes full responsibility for being where they are, WITHOUT BLAMING anyone – including themselves. No one gets to be the good guy and someone else the bad guy. Everyone is good. Relationship is the place where we all get to grow ourselves up, evolve, become bigger, experience all kinds of things. It’s not a matter of a “one size fits all” “Okay” – it’s about what you want, what you’re able to accept and love – all kinds of unique and personal things. Just because a man says he wants to sleep with another woman doesn’t mean a marriage is over. It doesn’t mean he’s GOING to sleep with her. You either get to fight for your man – if you want him – or give him away if you don’t. Either way, you accept the outcome. love, Rori

  256.  #256IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    It felt so good because it felt like he was leading me. I felt scared and exposed and had no idea where we were going, but I felt safe because I wasn’t the one leading, HE WAS.

    this is like, a huge thing for me…

    I want a man who leads, and who is okay with the timid way I follow…

    soon enough, we’ll be dancing gracefully…with him leading, and me following his lead…

  257.  #257Rori Raye on May 31, 2013 at 9:11 pm


    “Isn’t it about learning to be responsible for making ourselves happy and being loving so we attract and are attracted to a man who is doing the same and we then come together to share our love and happiness together? Not about trying to get another person to make us happy and love us and make us feel worthy?”


  258.  #258IamHis on May 31, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    “Stay open, you are lit up, he has nothing to do with it…”

    I feel excited and like I’m learning and growing and about to embark on something beautiful…

  259.  #259BeLoved on May 31, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    “. She has to locate where things have broken down – as Katie did.”

    That’s only part of the story – while she was looking for where things had been broken down, Gay was delving into himself and discovering that what he was really seeking was more “wild” in his life.
    PLUS, Gay let her know practically the moment he noticed sexual feelings for the other women, and brought Katie over for all three of them to talk about it together. Katie didn’t take full responsibility for it all by herself.

    I do agree that someone has to go first, though. Since she is the one asking for advice, then it can really only be her, because she’ll wait around til the cows come home if she waits on him. A man who can’t be there for one woman, yet believes he can love two, isn’t very conscious.

    KC said something important – that she was looking for the status quo – which at the time, according to her, was unhappy with her marriage and had been for some years. Looking into this, is where her power is going to be. Why would she want things to to back to a status quo of unhappy? Why has this unhappiness gone so long unaddressed? Why would she capitulate to his request, yet share with Rori (and not him) that she was angry and scared to death?
    THIS, she can do something with.
    Believing that it’s all on him doesn’t help her with what’s going on with her, and clearly something is.

  260.  #260Lisa on May 31, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    I love reading about everyone!

    @Turquoise I hear you! Hurray! I love that you co-parent that way… that is what I do… and it works great! The girls love that they can have special time with both of us! As a family just that he and I are friends now… Hope you have a blast!!!

    I fell in love with myself today…… it felt good.. I brought tears to my eyes… and I dated myself today… and I opened my heart… and “M” totally noticed… I leaned back when he arrived to pick me up… I didn’t go and kiss him… he eventually walked up to me… and took my chin and kissed me.. I love that.. a strong man taking my chin and pulling me in…

    We had a so so dinner.. but I was still leaning back..he would grab me pull me into him…

    I spoke up tonight and said some bold things.. he took me to a place I’ve been wanting to go…. it was romantic… sunset, music…. he told the story again about how he can’t believe he caught me… I feel so wonderful when he tells that story.. he feels he won the online lottery with me…

    Tonight I melted.. it was amazing.. I was struggling some with sex the last time.. I felt shut down.. tonight I had a open heart and had the most amazing sex…. he whispered in my ear, Your my baby! I love you!..

    I feel so happy and so fulfilled… and yet I felt that way before he arrived to pick me up tonight on my own about myself…

    It feels wonderful to love me, and know that he notices…

    Night all! {{{{Hugs}}}}

  261.  #261Turquoise on May 31, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    Lisa….. That is the best post I have read here in a long time…. Because I can feel what you are feeling, I relate, wow, so super happy for you! I recently realized how great I am too. How I deserve my own love and attention… And I agree, others do notice. They see you differently. I see me differently. Hugs!!!

  262.  #262Daria on May 31, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    YAY so Dman is on his way here and im picking him up at the train station and we’re gonna hang out as friends and then go to a club together!

    AND i was feeling like i wanted to have sex in a kinda “i need sex way”

    and now i just realized i worked out ! thank you Daria… and i dont feel that ‘needy feeling anymoer!

    yay for hormonal harmony

  263.  #263Indigo on May 31, 2013 at 11:39 pm

    I have to say I agree with Rori in 214.

    For me, either I care, or I don’t.

    If I don’t care, there’s no real reason for me to be there, and I know for myself, I absolutely 100% would not stay in a situation I didn’t care about. It would be too soul-destroying for me.

    If I did care, there would be 101 options available to me. I can change how I communicate, become softer, more vulnerable, less blamey, talk in a way that he could hear me. I could change up how I look. I could go to counseling or coaching, work on *me*. Date myself and the world, fill my life with interests and passions that give me an energy and a purpose and change how I feel inside and make me happy.

    All of this I would do for *me*, because I care, about myself, about my relationship. I could not sit idly by on the banks and watch my relationship sail down the river to nothingness.

    But as I said, this is only if I REALLY care. If you don’t really care, all of this would seem like a monumental effort because in truth, there are so many priorities that you would put ahead of your relationship.

    In my heart of hearts, I only want the kind of relationship that I would be willing to fight for, that means so much to me that I can’t bear to lose it, that means the world to me and I would never put anything above it (except my love for myself).

  264.  #264Indigo on May 31, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Yesterday I cried.

    And for the first time in, maybe ever, it didn’t feel bad. It felt good. I cried, and what came out was not sadness and anger and frustration. It was passion and love and faith, it was just a desire to express the warmth and vulnerability that I was feeling that I couldn’t find words for. There was no one to blame, and I just felt a beautiful, content opening in my soul. There was no harshness, no rough edges, just a “me-ness” that I loved so much in that moment.


  265.  #265Millie on June 1, 2013 at 3:09 am

    @Indigo 263–

    I love this post.

  266.  #266Millie on June 1, 2013 at 3:30 am

    It is 3:09 am where I am…I just got home and made some tacos. I had an amazing night…Ah I feel so happy and charged…

    Awhile ago, maybe a few months, I’m not sure, I went to a local swing dance. I was familiar with the live band playing enough to know I’d enjoy it. I went with a girlfriend and danced my little tush off with every man who asked to dance with me! I love to dance!! One of the singers in the band playing waved to me and during his break came up and chatted with me and my friend for a bit. He is significantly, evidently older than me (at least 13+years) but that didn’t stop me from feeling attracted to him. He gave me some info about the band which included his personal email- which he stressed. I wasn’t sure he had any intention at all with me, so I simply “liked” the band on facebook. After that I became so busy that I had no time to see them play. Since I graduated, I saw they were playing tonight and mentioned it to another friend. We went down there and I felt happy to see him again and hear him sing and of course I wanted to DANCE!!! At one point he passed by me and said hello, but I thought nothing of it. Later on, he came up to me again after I’d been dancing awhile and said-“I saw that.” I said-saw what? He says,” I’m not sure, but I know I’d like to see more of it.” I felt on fire inside. He said he remembered me from before and was happy to see me again. I said likewise..but it was so loud I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything too serious. He danced with me a little and gave me a few pieces of paper with his personal email on it and suggested I email him. I asked if he wanted mine and he said-“that’s why I am giving you mine, so you can send me yours.” I felt good after the whole encounter even though in my mind i questioned his interest…I am extremely attracted to him despite the fact he is too old for me. He didn’t ask me for my number or my contact info, so I felt like-well, maybe he isn’t all that interested, or feels weird because I’m clearly a lot younger. I don’t know, but I like his band. So I decided to email him as a fan because I would like to hear about future events. Being a Rockabilly band, it would even be a good event to go to to meet other people at as well. Whatever he chooses to do from there I’m ok with. Whether it is nothing at all…or he continues to talk to me. I feel open and happy to connect with him as a fan of his music. Yay!

  267.  #267Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 4:14 am

    Millie next time try turning over the card with the contact info. Write your email address and give it right back to the guy. If he wants to keep in touch he will use it. To me it seems he is inviting you to chase him so I would turn it around on hiim and put the ball in his court.

  268.  #268Syreena on June 1, 2013 at 5:35 am

    254: Rori

    “Syreena – what we’re exploring here are OPTIONS. If it were possible to turn this around – is looking at it in a “one person is wrong, one person is right” perspective helpful? Not in my world. In my world, everyone takes full responsibility for being where they are, WITHOUT BLAMING anyone – including themselves. No one gets to be the good guy and someone else the bad guy. Everyone is good. Relationship is the place where we all get to grow ourselves up, evolve, become bigger, experience all kinds of things. It’s not a matter of a “one size fits all” “Okay” – it’s about what you want, what you’re able to accept and love – all kinds of unique and personal things. Just because a man says he wants to sleep with another woman doesn’t mean a marriage is over. It doesn’t mean he’s GOING to sleep with her. You either get to fight for your man – if you want him – or give him away if you don’t. Either way, you accept the outcome. love, Rori.”

    I mainly believe I get what you are saying and where you are coming from. For me if a man was indicating he wanted to sleep with both of us and be poly, I know I just would not be able to handle it. And I can see why the woman in question has decided to let him do what he wants but still share a house for now and separate bedrooms. I would not be able to sleep with a man who wasn’t in love with me, so I i just couldn’t see it working. That is my personal take on it. I would let him go if he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to sleep with me because he was in love with me. I couldn’t just have sex with him without the being in love, but that is me.

  269.  #269Rebecca on June 1, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Just dropping by to say ‘hi!’…

    Some many things people have said on here have hit raw nerves with me. Still working on myself…

    It’s hard…

    Trying to be perfect? Not want people to see my flaws…


    I want to feel love and acceptance of myself. Instead I feel resentment and judgement.

    i’ve met a guy and am feeling scared. Am laser focusing on him and what he ‘thinks’ about me. I know I shouldn’t. It’s hard to get away from these thoughts.

    I’m judging myself… pftt…

    Feeling simmering anger to myself for not remaining cool and calm but going straight into panic mode.

    Worried about revealing ‘too much’ of myself and scaring him.

    I don’t have an ‘OFF’ switch….

    My neck feels tense… My back feels tense…

  270.  #270Vi on June 1, 2013 at 5:44 am

    I feel sigh… MH again brought up this topic about us having babies and I feel… I feel like right now it would be too much of an investment from my side… Hmm interesting – that means I have needs that are not being met… I feel curious – what are they?.. Or maybe there are boundaries I overlook? I feel afraid and tense in the upper part of the body and I feel my brows frowning and shoulders are a little up… I love my fear, I love my shoulders, I love my brows. I love my curiosity too and I feel excited to choose expanding and exploring…

  271.  #271Vi on June 1, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Did my own boy get lazy and it resulted in me feeling depleted? Hehe .. I love me.

  272.  #272Syreena on June 1, 2013 at 5:58 am

    “Everyone takes full responsibility for being where they are,”

    Again of course we all have to take full responsibility. Reality is though like I previously said we all have to live somewhere and shared joint finances and children make it very difficult to get out of somewhere we do not always want to be.
    So options are all fine and dandy. What are the REAL OPTIONS in her real life situation though, for a woman who has not worked for 18 yrs and is now in her 50’s with the current financial and economical climate and having two children still dependent on her.
    Good luck with that one.
    Let’s face it, if his co worker wants him and already has employment then they are sharing expenses.
    And he gets to virtually opt of his part of doing all the donkey work with his children. Although on the surface appears like this woman has been doing that anyway.
    And how REALISTIC is the option for her in her 50’s to now get a great paying job, be the mum and the dad, get out there go pole dancing, get a great social life, get counseling, buy loads of self help books.
    What with fresh air?

    As for the film with meryl streep. was that a true story? Or FANTASY?

    Fantasy and reality are poles apart.

  273.  #273Veronica on June 1, 2013 at 6:43 am

    I’ve been way too hung up on BM who doesn’t even want to share with me, not even as a friend, who admitted to deliberately doing this. I know I’m supposed to be angry but all I feel is heartsore, there’s pain in the left side of me when I’m crying about this. I don’t know how to not feel. I’ve been here so many times – so full of painful feeling and the other person is gone. I’m so tired of being here. He’s gone and I think it’s a good thing so I can see my stuff more clearly. I realize how little he knows about me. And I’m not sure I want to be interested in him anymore – it just feels like such hard work with him, the more I try to work on myself the more he disappears. I feel like I’ll never be in a deeply committed relationship with him, that it’ll be just be more moments of evading intimacy/vulnerability. I’m tired of being afraid every time I open up and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one opening up, feeling vulnerable, wanting relationship so much. So knowing this I still feel pain. I agonise whether I’d be able to stop thinking about him or wondering about him. I wish I could just stop that. For a while I thought I was just exacerbating the pain until I felt nothing for him. How do I let this go? My mind is so ready but something in me keeps snagging. It’s kind of like ‘have I done all that I could do?’ Whatever this thing is, please let me go.

  274.  #274Veronica on June 1, 2013 at 6:56 am

    Yes way too hung up – maybe this time I’ll learn and it will be such a turn-off for me to feel that way about someone or a situation that doesn’t even remotely warrant this level of feeling. Ugh I can feel my thinking getting all slippery, as in, I keep having to think more carefully when I’m saying things — good sign I think.

  275.  #275Indigo on June 1, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Veronica 272

    Could this be a healing journey that he has begun in you?

    I ask this because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is what D began in me. And once begun, there is absolutely no going back.

    You said “the more I try to work on myself the more he disappears”

    Let him? Let him. That is part of the journey, the pain involved in letting go. And it’s absolutely necessary, for you would never appreciate the beautiful rewards without it. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the work you are doing on yourself is all for nothing because he’s not with you right now. Have faith in where you are right now, and try to feel good about it. If he’s the right man for you he may come back, but it should not be about that. It is about believing and trusting in the path you are on.

  276.  #276Indigo on June 1, 2013 at 7:13 am

    I just want to say I think I know as well as anyone what it means to do this work alone like this.

    I love D with all of my being, and it hurts me to see him with his unresolved stuff. But I have learned that this is *his* journey and it is none of my business. I have felt delighted to be able to see steps of healing in him, and I have learned to take joy in this, small though they may be. I feel as though when we met, he reached into the deepest part of me and began a healing journey which there was no going back from, and the waters have been murky at times. But I have forced myself to start dating others, opening up to others, being intimate with them even.

    But my deepest dreams are still for him, my soul sings songs for him. Because he was the only one to touch the deepest part of me, and show me the kind of contentment I never knew I always wanted.

  277.  #277smile on June 1, 2013 at 7:37 am

    🙁 why am I so suspicious? I hate technology.

    Having a fun few days with amb. But I’m sabotaging it with feeling suspicious around his phone.

    I choose trust

    I choose trust

  278.  #278Veronica on June 1, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Indigo – 274 & 275 – Your words are like gold to me right now. Copied, pasted and definitely to be revisited. Thank you so much!

  279.  #279Millie on June 1, 2013 at 8:40 am

    @FeminineWoman 266

    Ahhh smart thinking! Thank you

  280.  #280BeLoved on June 1, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Reading this again – there is such a goldmine for this woman to work with, if she will get in touch with herself.

    “A couple of times we did talk about going back to our “normal” marriage yet he told me he was worried about her feelings and that he wanted me to “tell” him to leave (like I’m his mom???). I told him he had to be a man and decide for himself.”

    So, I won’t tell him to leave, but I’ll tell him to be a man and decide for himself.

    This is a great opportunity to develop better communication skills…
    “I don’t want to tell you what to do.”
    And then don’t.

  281.  #281prplpsn28 on June 1, 2013 at 9:33 am

    “A woman who creates a full, happy life on her own is a lot more inviting than one who looks to a man to create it for her.”

    “Don’t place your happiness in someone elses hands, because once they disappear, so does your happiness.”

  282.  #282Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Andrea I feel bad for him. At 3:00 a.m. tells me he was unable to sleep.

  283.  #283Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 10:14 am

    @Millie 265

    That sounds like fun. I don’t think 13 years is too old unless you feel uncomfortable with it. I think it really depends on the two people involved.

    Yes, I love to dance too! It is a very sensual experience for me and men love that. Sometimes I feel I have to tone it down to not have it be “too sexual” but when I feel safe and do really cut loose, it is so much fun and sexy! I love dancing with someone sexy when you both are in sync, its like having sex without taking your clothes off. Love that! And its a lot less messy…hahahaha!!!

  284.  #284Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 10:24 am

    “I don’t think 13 years is too old”

    Err, that didn’t come out right, I meant “I don’t think 13 years older is too old”


  285.  #285Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 10:42 am

    “But my deepest dreams are still for him, my soul sings songs for him. Because he was the only one to touch the deepest part of me, and show me the kind of contentment I never knew I always wanted.”

    This is so beautiful, yet I want a man to be saying this about me.

  286.  #286Lisa on June 1, 2013 at 10:46 am

    I think it is depending on the person and their lifestyle..

    13 years is too old for me, as I’m very very active for my age 50. Most people think I’m in my 30’s and lifestyle wise I’m in my 20’s. Dancing is such a great part of my life… as is hiking and climbing… it would have to be a man that is very very young for his age to keep up with me. So it isn’t so much the age as the biological age. I’ve dated men in their 30’s that were very low activity and lazy… so I’d really have to sit with it, if it were me and ask myself questions about compatibility…

    But It really is dependent on each person’s needs, desires, and lifestyle age shouldn’t be an issue it’s just a number really… Love is love… I know that sounds very hypocritical but it’s like a double sided coin… it is important and it isn’t at the same time.. Boy that sounded confusing…


  287.  #287Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 10:46 am

    So yesterday I happened to get into another conversation about relationships without conflict and most of you know that I have my own thoughts on this based on my own relationship experience. Some agree with me, others do not and I’m okay with that.

    Anyway, I was, once again, struggling to put into words how this can be a possibility. Today, I read something that made it all clear to me. I didn’t know who else to tell or where else to talk about it, so I thought this would be a good place to post about it.

    From the book Kundalini Yoga The Flow of Eternal Power by Shakiti Parwha Kaur Khalasa:

    “We may not be able to change the circumstances happening around us, but we can learn to conrol the way we respond. And I don’t mean by squelching or stifling our reactions or denying our emotions. Developing a strong meditative mind through Kudalini Yoga is a major step toward developing our won indomitable inner strength and serenity with the ability to call upon it whenever we need it.”

    When you have two people in a relationship and both of those people strive to, in their reactions with each other, open up and call upon their 4th, 5th and 6th chakras, there will be no conflict. With deep breathing and (what’s becoming) a natural process for opening the chakras, we find it easy to relate to each other with love, compassion, understanding and an accessible heart.

    Anyway…I think those are the words I’ve always been looking for. We haven’t always practiced Kundalini Yoga but since we’ve been practicing yoga and meditation together, it has really helped us grow this element of our relationship. Kundalini Yoga is another layer to that.

    Much Love,

  288.  #288Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 10:54 am

    “These words are more important than “I love you.”
    Because for a man, they are RARER (is that a word?) than “I love you.”


    They never fail to stir a man’s emotions and trigger his loyalty and devotion.

    The 4 words are…


    When a man feels you believe in him, he’ll move mountains for you.


    Really close…

    Mom says I love you.
    Sisters say I love you.
    Brothers may even say I love you.
    Even friends say I love you.
    Everyone has I love you on the tips of their lips.

    What’s rare.

    What’s valuable.

    What makes a man want to take you as his wife, is
    someone who believes in him.


    You can say it.

    But if you REALLY want to move him.

    If you REALLY want to change your relationship for the better with him. If you want him to follow you to the ends of the earth, as corny as that sounds.

    Then saying the words aren’t enough.

    You’ve got to show him.

    With your actions…

    He’s got to BELIEVE deep down that you believe in him.”

    T Dub

  289.  #289Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Syreena: “And how REALISTIC is the option for her in her 50′s to now get a great paying job, be the mum and the dad, get out there go pole dancing, get a great social life, get counseling, buy loads of self help books.”

    This makes me feel very sad to read. It’s like hearing someone with a victim mentality that nobody can get through to. 🙁

    It is realistic. Many women have been able to be single mothers, get assistance if needed, draw on their own resources and that part of them that is strong and capable and amazing. Being over 50 has nothing to do with it. Buying books and paying for classes has nothing to do with it. If she has the internet, there are TONS of resources and free advice and assistance and support. If she doesn’t, many libraries offer internet use at no charge and she can take notes. Places like youtube have videos to teach a woman pole dancing or whatever else she wants to learn. A simple lemon and some honey will give her a beautiful, sexy glow.

    Nobody has to be a victim to circumstances. People are not as “stuck” as they think they are. The hardest part is ignoring those negative people surrounding them who constantly “remind” them that they are nothing without this man and they can’t do anything on their own and that they can’t make it.

    Hopefully the world is full of people who are really realistic and who teach these women that their own power to bring light and happiness into their lives does live strong withing them and all they need to do is tap into it and go. Nobody says it will all be easy (because it probably won’t be) but WAY WAY WAY too many people are quick to say it is unrealistic and that they cannot function without a man. It just feels wrong and sad to me.

    Much Love,

  290.  #290Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Syreena: YOU can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself and draw on your own strength. I hope you believe that somewhere inside of you.

    Much Love,

  291.  #291Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 11:05 am

    ‘. A simple lemon and some honey will give her a beautiful, sexy glow”

    You mean a mask?

  292.  #292Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 11:06 am

    The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
    — Arthur C. Clarke

  293.  #293Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 11:11 am

    FW: Yes…or a wash with lemon water. Lots of ways to use all kinds of natural parts of the world for beauty. I don’t know if you have Dominique’s video program but her career (for many many years) in skincare gets a lot of time devoted in that program. I don’t know how many tips she actually gives since I didn’t count them but it felt like at least a hundred. I’m not joking…I learned a lot from that.

    But for me, honey has been a huge part of my skincare routine for a long time. I go easier on the lemon when I use it because I have a darker tone to my skin (particularly in the summer) and it can, if you’re not careful, having a bleaching affect.

    Anyway, yes, my favorite mask is honey, lemon and pure oats. Make a mask. Apply for 20-30 minutes. Wash off with warm water and enjoy the soft (and I do mean soft) texture and really a sexy glow that almost makes me feel like I am sitting in candle light instead of florescent light. 🙂

    Much Love,

  294.  #294Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 11:29 am


    Yeah, thinking about it more, I think that 13 years older is too old for me too. I’m in my late 40s so that would be someone who is 60+ so that’s too old for me. But I think that when I was in my 20s and 30s, it would have been more conceivable. There are some really hot 40 and 50 something year old men out there!

  295.  #295Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

    “And how REALISTIC is the option for her in her 50′s to now get a great paying job, be the mum and the dad, get out there go pole dancing, get a great social life, get counseling, buy loads of self help books.
    What with fresh air?”

    well it happens to many women who just get Left, so this woman has a better situation than that

  296.  #296Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

    i’m feeling all pist and argumentative and i found something on the blog to ‘argue about

  297.  #297Lisa on June 1, 2013 at 11:36 am

    @Liquid Light 293

    Yes, I typically have dated men at least 6+ years younger than me for the past 20 years.. mostly b/c I didn’ t know their age at first, but they felt I was really young… which I am.. so it wasn’t an issue..we were more in tune lifestyle wise.

    I dated a man 12+ years older than me in my 30’s and it was very clear his life was too settled and sediment for me.. I’d have been doing everything alone..

    The sex issue would be big for me… men younger are more active sexually…

    My man now is exactly my age.. and he is lower in activity level but so much closer than other men.. but he is still able to be very sexual at age 50… more so than men I dated younger… So that makes a huge difference for me.


  298.  #298Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:37 am

    last nite with Dman felt super fun, and i wound up asking him to hold my hand when i needed to relax, and that got us feeling more touchy, well me, and we wound up cuddling

    and it felt lovely and i got that he was more into me and i can tell he’s actually emotionally available now

    BUT this morning i woke up feeling bad again and thinking how me and Security didnt KISS as much the last time and how i feel loved when a man kisses me…

    and even i was kinda holding back from kissing him myself when we were cuddling… though not from touching him

    and i liked how he wanted to kiss me a lot before

    and now with Dman i realized we also hadnt kissed… tho cuddled and i even got turned on

    so nwo im like woe is me they dont want to kiss me no more and im gonna be all like stiffened up and give off a dont kiss me vibe now that i noticed

    im thinking new men is easier with cuz they know they ‘gotta’ kiss me at end of date to ‘seal the deal’ on a date or whatever



    i want to be even BETTER in charge of showing my body to a man which includes kissing

    i now remember when i was easy breezy about Security recently when he wanted to go to go down on me i told him no, do my whole body first and he did including kissing me and it felt wonderful

    i CAN get through the awkwardness and fear that they don’t WANT to kiss me and just communicate what i feel and what feels good and what i dont want

    i feel shaky with “shyness’ nervousness, horror, fear,

  299.  #299Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:38 am

    i apologize for taking out my anxiety on you Syreena and singling out your words to argue with

  300.  #300Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:43 am

    I can SO see where his attraction dropped off… from contacting me everyday , apologizing for his ‘mistakes’

    to …

    well there was a big ‘mistake’ when he showed up with her that one time he wasn’t supposed to as we had previously agreed we were having Us time…

    and after i left that situation he asked me to come back…

    and i said SURE!

    and then his phone was off, WHEN I WOULDVE BEEN ON MY WAY!!!

    luckily i called to confirmed and saw it was off!

    Me tolerating that nad me being all ready to come back after the ‘mistake’ when i was clearly upset…

    that was the first part where his interest seemed to have waned

    and then again he didnt call when he said he would after the Next time we saw each other…


    and i couldnt even see all this!

    until now

    i was having perspective shifts back to sanity every now and then…

    oh im so gla dim seein gthis

  301.  #301Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:44 am

    it’s like he knows when he’s ‘bad’ and if i don’t call him on it (with distance or something) it takes away from my attractiveness to him

    this is just like Rori said!

  302.  #302Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:45 am

    it subverts the intimacy!

    and now im not sharing my feelings, im just desperately/ADDICTIVELY running to him hoping he will take care of them without me owning them or sharing them

    and it doesnt work!

    it slowly kills the attraction

    i CAN DO THIS! i can stop doing this

  303.  #303Daria on June 1, 2013 at 11:46 am

    ooh if i watch modern siren that will boost my vibe

  304.  #304Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 11:52 am

    The last man I dated was so overly sexual, I kinda want a man that isn’t that sexed up. It was too much for me. And he was in his mid 50s. Sheesh. Do they ever slow down? hahahaha!

    hmmm, on second thought, maybe I should date someone who is 60+ hahaha!!

    hugs back at ya (((((Lisa)))))

  305.  #305Syreena on June 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    288: Mercedes.

    REALITY in the uk is that MOST single woman who get left with children and have not kept their careers going end up in low paid jobs and or trapped in the benifit trap.
    And yes a woman in her 50’s who has not worked for 18 yrs is going to find it in reality VERY DIFFICULT to play mum, dad and get a great paying job.

    Call it what you like, I call it reality as that it what it is. And being a VICTIM of the REAL CIRCUMSTANCES she is REALLY IN. Her real circunstances are that she is in her 50’s with two children and hasn’t worked for 18 yrs, competing with both men and woman for high paying jobs.
    Best get thinking how she is going to get a job and be both mum and dad and make it work then. And have enough time money and energy to have some fun too.

    I am in no mood and feel no desire to argue with what you believe Daria.
    If you believe there are many women in their 50’s who have been left by their husbands and not worked for 18 years who go out and get great lives and great paying jobs that is what you believe,
    I personally have not seen or read anything to back that up, so that is not my belief. No argument, just different beliefs.

  306.  #306Lisa on June 1, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Yes they start to slow down in and around 45… different men are different… I’m very sexual… and “M” is less than me… but it works 3 times a week.. I’d rather do more… but I have to accept reality.. men start slowing down… women at age 40 start wanting it more… weird eh? Kind of weird play on life for it to be so off…

    I’d love an over sexed man… that way I didn’t come off as the one always wanting it…. LOL! I like it when a man wants it more than me…

    “M” is very how do I say “hungry for me” though and lets me know he “wants” me…


  307.  #307Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Syreena: I hope you can one day have a more positive outlook on life and the capabilities of the human race. For now, you seem very negative and angry and it must feel quite exhausting.

  308.  #308Daria on June 1, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    so what i WAS feeling good noticing last nite – before i felt bad this morning – was that i felt GREAT cuddling with Dman, just as if he was SecurityMan!

    i felt safe and comfy and … it felt easy to cuddle up!

    so i felt great that i feel open and can create this for myself with men!

    and its not tied into Securityman

    but now im feeling all anxious and not good about alomst any men


  309.  #309Daria on June 1, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    Syreena i feel very angry reading ‘im in no mood to argue towards me’ and i don’t want to be spoken to in that manner

  310.  #310Femininewoman on June 1, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    RE 306 – It has been a pattern. If you ask me it is a blind spot.

  311.  #311Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    my ex wanted it twice a day. ughh. it wore me out. of course, the next guy I get involved with will probably have very low libido and I will miss the charged sexual energy. Truth be told, though, I haven’t had sex for 6 months and I don’t miss it at all!!

    I’m wondering if that’s normal, or if I was traumatized, or if I’m just changing??? Funny, I want the companionship of a boyfriend but I could do without the sex!!! OMG!!! Ughh. Sigh. that makes me sad. 🙁

  312.  #312Luzydel on June 1, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Things are slow in my circle; no dates and i feel like staying home or going to a quite spot and read, take photos and or write.

    A cd I was talking before captain CD wrote to me to see if we could meet; he doesn’t know how to lead, he leaves everything on me… the suggestions, planning everything! no wonder we haven’t meet yet. I told him I just do not feel good leading a man and telling him what to do and I will leave it to him to tell me what ideas for a date he has; all I said was the time I was Available. Ugh! I already have a young boy at home; I do not need to lead another one!

  313.  #313Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Syreena, I hear you. I am 48 and part of the reason I feel I need to leave this small rural town and move to a more cosmopolitan area is because of my future job prospects. It is a real concern. I am competing with a lot of young college grads who are very eager and up on the latest technology (I work in hi-tech) and it is so important that I stay active and engaged in my field especially as I grow older. Staying in a small town with no tech industry is a huge risk for me in the future so that’s why I am moving. And I’m sorry but I don’t think its being negative, it is unfortunately reality that it is harder the older you get (esp being over 50 is not going to be an advantage in the job market). To me, its just reality, there is nothing positive or negative about it.

  314.  #314Lisa on June 1, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    @Liquid light

    That is true I do like the sexual charge in a man… I could do it twice a day once in awhile, but time wise as a very busy single mom, not feasible…

    Hormones will cause you not to want it also.. and being tired… also emotional stuff… I went without sex for 5 years… b/c of my ex had autism/ asperger’s syndrome and then just being so emotionally exhausted from living with him, I didn’t pursue any man or sex for long while… then i was determined once I did sign on to online dating I wouldn’t settle for just sex.. so I went another year almost before I had sex… and it was with someone that I would have rather not had sex with now hindsight but it was only 3 times… and now I have “M” who has made up for the past 15 years of bad sex…

    Yay! for men that can make a woman feel amazing in bed.. I love that…

    Lots of women had rather have no sex and companionship that is bad.. or wrong.. just need to find a man that has a lower sexual habit… that is all… it’s all about what works for you…


  315.  #315Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    That’s awesome, Lisa! I am happy for you and M!!! 🙂

  316.  #316Daria on June 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    i just called Getright back ont he number he called from and I wound up talking about how i miss him and not tryna see him as friends, and iwas like im sure you know what to do and hes like yeah i know what to do now hes gonna call me back in 15 min

    but theres so much i missed out on with from him so im wonderfin wtf hes gonna do

    also whqt i rally came to write abut was that i called him back and his friend was like omg girls are calling my hpne for Getright sounding HELLA good lol


  317.  #317Millie on June 1, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    @Lisa and Liquid Light–

    When I was 22 I started seeing a man that was 35. It bounced btwn FWB and “relationship,” and I found that his age had some pros and cons. This is actually the man I wrote about in some of my other posts, my FWB man. Now I am 26 and he just turned 40. I have always been attracted to older men, but I did find that we just weren’t in the same place in life, but that can be a person’s character rather than age based sometimes. He was more settled, had a kid, didn’t want more, didn’t want to move, didn’t have a goal for himself careerwise to move forward in. I have A LOT of goals and desire, I want children, I want someone who exhibits more passion for life. The amount of sex was never a problem, but I can imagine as he grows older and we continued to be involved…It would be.

    I like older men for a lot of reasons…but as far as getting invested in them-at this point I wouldn’t. I see it more as “fun” than “future. I want someone to move through life with, not someone I feel I have to “catch up to” with my experiences. Some older men can be condescending towards younger women, of course there are exceptions…

  318.  #318Rori Raye on June 1, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Hi – Syreena and all (including me) – I’m now shutting down this discussion. Anything along this thread of arguing about “reality” will go to moderation. It’s not because I don’t like a good discussion – it’s because that’s not the purpose of the blog. We’re about sharing what we FEEL, not what we THINK. Once anyone starts using THINKING and giving opinions – everyone feels less safe, and we lose our effectiveness as a community. That’s why I’m very careful about how coaches express themselves here, and keep the Guidelines sacred.

    Once again, I’m not for everyone. If you’re here, and disagree with my point of view about this, or don’t like the Guidelines, or the kind of commenting and posting we’re about here – I’m not saying you’re wrong and I’m right – I’m only saying that’s the way it is here. My rules. Love, Rori

  319.  #319Rori Raye on June 1, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    LL – For me, “reality” is merely my perception of my experience. Love, Rori

  320.  #320Daria on June 1, 2013 at 2:41 pm

    so i got a call back from that number Getright was at… but i missed it as i was in the shower and now i dont feel like calling back

    i feel drained thinking about it

  321.  #321Liquid Light on June 1, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    OK, yeah, Rori, I should have qualified that and said it was *my* POV.

    I felt like people were pouncing on Syreena and I was trying to stick up for her. Maybe she didn’t feel that way but to me, it felt a bit like attacking/insulting. It didn’t seem fair to me to make judgements about people here so I was sticking up for her as I would hope others would do here too.

  322.  #322Daria on June 1, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    so this guy i had come see me on the bus last year that i actually had sex with one time also even though i kinda got mad with him and we haven’t seen each other since…

    and ive been wanting to run into him so he can show me how to pet my cat – because my cat really liked him and he had this way of petting my cat that i never saw before that i want to learn

    well he was gonna come here and take me to his house which i felt uncomfortable with,

    but now hes gonna come on the bus and im gona drive us to his house which feels better as i have the car

    i really hope the cat is around when he comes so i can learn the technique

    whatever happens with me and this guy i’ll see after that lol

  323.  #323Daria on June 1, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    i feel too hot in a heat wave kinda way

  324.  #324Rori Raye on June 1, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    LL –
    Thank you for sticking up for anyone, and I don’t want to feel myself or anyone slide into judgment, so thank you.. Love, Rori

  325.  #325Dominique on June 1, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Liquid Light – 320 – <3


  326.  #326Tereana on June 1, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    Well, hang on. The woman in the post asks a very knotty question. What the husband was asking, essentially, is for an open marriage. Many people have open marriages, and are happy with it because both partners are on board. I don’t think I could be a part of something like that. But just because the man wants to have a partner on the side doesn’t mean that he is “not satisfied” with his relationship with his wife. In fact, from what I read, he did not express that. But his wife interpreted it.

    Now, his “needs” may be a polyamorous lifestyle. And monogamy can never satisfy that. The only way his wife could “satisfy” it would be to let him sleep with other women. And maybe have other partners herself, without dissolving the marriage. But obviously this is a really big change from the original agreement about the relationship, so it comes as very jarring. And I think Rori is right, he did a good job of communicating and asking. Except that he didn’t ascertain first her level of openness to an “open marriage.”

    Either way, he is basically “coming out” as a polyamorous person. And so he may feel stifled by traditional marriage. And if the wife doesn’t want to participate, then she doesn’t need to. The fact that they have been married for 23 years won’t change this aspect of him. But I get that leaving him would be devastating.

    Maybe she can communicate how she feels – that she doesn’t want to end the marriage, but she also doesn’t feel comfortable with an open relationship. And see how he feels about it – if his relationship with her is more important than his interest in sleeping with a coworker. I’m sure he can make up his mind…

  327.  #327Tereana on June 1, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Additionally..,I know this is a little off the beaten track for anyone focused on monogamy, but the opportunity to “open” the marriage to other partners could, potentially, spice up their sex life and bring them closer.

    But only IF they are open and honest. Which it sounds like the guy started that conversation out really well. I’m siding with Rori on that one. This is a question about the very nature of their relationship, not whether it is “good enough” or “worth it.” And they don’t have to get all the way to sleeping with other partners. They can just talk about it for now. He asked. She can say no.

    But sometimes going through it is a way to answer the questions that might come up. This very situation happened with a friend of mine, only she was the one who wanted other partners – and ultimately it brought her closer to and feeling more devoted to her husband.

    My recommendation to the writer of the note would be not to run away or write off the relationship too soon. It sounds like she has a lot of good stuff to work with…

  328.  #328Tereana on June 1, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    I am so proud of myself! I had a potential “trigger” moment last night, and I got through it, and I stayed present, and I feel fine. Any time I get a little question mark floating up in my head about what happened, I just pause and look at it, without judgment.

    Also, I made myself laugh. I was with A, and we were in bed, making out, and he was going too fast for me. I told him to “slow down, Mr. Speedy McNASCAR.” Lol. I don’t even know where that came from (#mybrain). But it felt good to be playful and humorous rather than acting out of fear and defensiveness. : )

  329.  #329Daria on June 1, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    i feel all upset right now and angry!

  330.  #330Tereana on June 1, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Millie –

    I just caught this from the previous thread:

    “Millie says:


    ….I agree a higher difficulty woman is desired more by men, but if she wants, she can have sex quickly and still be considered higher difficulty. It is her emotional muscle, inner strength, and confidence that creates this. Does that make sense? I think that is the point I wanted to arrive at in the previous thread.”

    Yes, I totally agree!! It totally makes sense.

    I kind of feel like I want to write more, but that’s pretty much it.

  331.  #331Tereana on June 1, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    I just realized today (or last night) that A is pretty much a s*x friend. And I like it. He’s sexy. He’s totally hot. He pays for dates and travels to see me. He’s usually good at planning ahead (although this week was a little different, but that’s because his son was with him). He dropped the ball a few times. But he picked it back up, and he showed up…

    Anyway, did I mention he pays for dates? And he gives me birthday presents. And sometimes random other gifts (that are usually something I really need, and I appreciate that). He freely admits (and even laughs about) the fact that he as “commitment” issues. We always have a good time together. There is no pressure. If I don’t feel like sleeping with him, I don’t. But if I do, we can. And I usually don’t feel bad about it afterward.

    He has a kid already and he doesn’t want a family, or even a girlfriend. So there is no pressure at all, and I think that actually makes it easier for me. I can practice. Because even though I want those things, I am not ready for them yet.

    And I don’t have to be committed to him, either. I can still date other men. Sleep with other men, if I feel like it.

    Heck, I am beginning to wonder if some part of me is actually polyamorous. I have always bristled at this idea in other people – like it can’t possibly be true about them. they must be lying to themselves. But what if they are not? What if they are true to themselves, and I am the one who is not telling myself the truth, or not admitting to myself the truth? Maybe it is not possible for me to love only one person? Hm…

    practically speaking, I still don’t see it as a viable long-term arrangement. But it doesn’t have to be the whole of my sexual personality. It may very well be one long “streak” in the otherwise mongamous-colored bunch of threads. And I feel it as something that could make me more interesting…At least to me. heck, maybe THAT’s why I didn’t get married back in 2007…

    Hm…whoa. My mind could be getting blown right about now. This is big stuff…

  332.  #332Turquoise on June 1, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    Hi Sirens, I had a good night with Mr. Conversation and our kids. We did something I’ve never done with a man before…. Jumped on the trampoline. 🙂 his little one wanted us both up there… And while it sounds silly, with his weight, I was getting some pretty high jumps, and it felt exhilarating…. Like that feeling we get when we are falling in love, the feet off the ground, not controlling anything, the laughter, and we sort of collided. But it was fun. It was nice hanging out with him and I realized I really wouldn’t mind making out with him… Even though I don’t see us ever being a couple. He really seems bothered that I’m going away with C. He just did the same thing with his ex, so I don’t get it.

    I heard from another guy on POF who sounds promising. I need to create done new names for these guys. 🙂

  333.  #333Mercedes on June 1, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Sorry Rori. I meant no offense nor did I mean to break any of your rules. I struggle a lot with negative vibes around what a woman can’t accomplish at any age and any insinuation that over 50 makes things impossible is a very difficult thing for me to read. I believe (from my own perspective) that women of any age can do anything they want to do (and there are plenty of real life examples of women from all walks of life and from all over the world) and I love empowering and hearing words of empowerment where women are concerned.

    We are strong, capable and absolutely WONDERFUL in all phases of life. I hope to read more people encouraging that attitude and outlook more than the opposite one.

    Much Love,

  334.  #334Veronica on June 1, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Reading the article Rori posted above, I feel as though the woman is in fear and in a kind of brokenness that cries out with ‘I don’t know how to do this, it’s been so long like this I don’t know how it started, how it grew into this’. And the husband who is putting his heart out on the table, looking to her ‘if you want to heal this relationship, I’ll be here gladly, let me give that to you; if you don’t want this, I’ll give that to you too. I still want to give to you, I still want us to be love again’.

    I don’t know if what I wrote is even remotely true but it keeps coming to my notice whenever I come here. Maybe writing here will release it and other things can come into awareness for me.

  335.  #335Veronica on June 1, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I feel angry when people withdraw themselves from me because I ‘should make my own life’, it feels like a punishment, as though our interaction depends on this condition. Everyday I’m working on things for me, the results of which either can’t be seen or will only materialise in a few years at the earliest. There are no products that I can show that says ‘look I’m growing’. I feel such anxiety because it renders all my efforts as nothing or misguided, yet I feel like working on my internal self is the best thing I could do. If I was a country I would bank my future on it, that’s how important it is.

    I’m feeling angry because I’m not being heard and am being related to in a way that has very little to do with who I am. I don’t know if they see me being vulnerable or not tough as an indicator of me not being able to handle a situation. In one of my jobs, I heard that my boss was concerned that I wouldn’t make it, yet other workers ended up having breakdowns and dramas, and there was me, carrying on and doing well so that after I left I would still be called to see if I wanted to work there again. It’s as if they see my sensitivity and think I can’t handle things – but I’ve been living in the world with this sensitivity all my life. I can go to the dark places and still come back – I’ve done this many times. This is my normal.

    But I do use the energy of ‘you should make your own life’ to fuel me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t look through again what I’m doing and rethink how I’m doing it, expand on it.

  336.  #336Luzydel on June 1, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    I deleted totally My POF profile; I realize that instead of helping me CD it was actually hindering me. Today I did not do something I wanted to do because I wanted to look online. I missed a good chance to enjoy myself.

    I know my man is out there and I have to be out there so he can find me… I’ve met over 90 men; dated 4 of them for at least three months each and I learned something; but I have to take a bigger chance and be out there socialize more, make friends, REALLY expose myself and be vulnerable… Online Dating has been my security blanket for far too long and me thinking it was safe, now I realized that despite the “practice” it has done more damage to my confidence, because I am still afraid of the outside. I still feel fear of exposing myself.

    I need to be out there; share myself to the world… Online dating was a stage, a chapter… I am ready for something new…

  337.  #337Luzydel on June 1, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    I also am practicing something; instead of remembering the heartbreaks, I go on to remember the moments that I enjoyed with the men I dated; the kisses the sex, all those good things they did for me. I have heard that remembering bad things, brings more of it, so I am going to remember the good things and nice moments I had with these men, so I bring more of it in the future with other men.

  338.  #338Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Hi sirens
    I feel so thankful for the generosity of others. So many people have helped me lately.

    Daria I’ve been reading your posts and you are so raw and honest ((Daria)) I can relate to some of the things you are saying about wanting sex etc..

    Exoticcd and I are at a locked horns…he says I’m holding back by not having sex but we haven’t spent much time together and I don’t just feel like jumping in bed. I said I need to feel trust and closeness and emotion….
    He kinda implies he needs sex to feel those or he maybe expresses through sex? He is frustrated and that is making me feel pressures and I feel like crying and running away but I’m not I’m trying something different and communicating how I feel. He expressed he is very interested in me and wants “all of me” and a monogamous relationship but for me it’s still too soon….

  339.  #339Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Also he says those things but he is also lazy. He just wants me to come to his house. If we were in a relationship I would not mind staying there and being there with him but we are not st that point.

  340.  #340Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    I do feel attraction and very turned on but I want to feel taken care if and like the focus is on me… Right now it feels the focus is on him and his needs. I feel unheard that I want to feel cherished…

  341.  #341Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Luzydel I just created a new online profile and there are a couple interesting guys but they fizzle out and disappear.. I think some are chronic shoppers and are looking looking but not alot of action… I find that so boring. I also had a horrible date lasted five minutes because I excused myself. The guy was 20 minutes late and then didn’t even bother to buy me a coffee. Then started talking about sports. I was so annoyed I said I feel uncomfortable and I left. I send him a message in the site telling him why. Oh and also he did not look at all like his photo wtf!!??

  342.  #342Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    Sirens regarding this post it’s heartbreaking butnindinknow marriages that survived this. But you have to realize it will never be the same after that kind if stuff happens. I would be devastated. People go through so many changes and transitions through life….

  343.  #343Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Luzydel i know what you mean I try to think about the good times with recycledcd….

  344.  #344Emerson on June 1, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    He said I am holding back and I said to him maybe you are holding back too… We can’t seem to get it together. It’s his job to initiate so I will just sit here and keep my heart open.

    He seems very black and white.

  345.  #345Indigo on June 2, 2013 at 12:27 am

    Veronica 277

    My pleasure, and I feel very glad they helped you. It was very much how I was feeling at the time.

  346.  #346Indigo on June 2, 2013 at 12:33 am

    Feminine Woman 284

    Yes, me too.

    Yet I have realised that this is who I am, this is my passionate nature. I have learned to delight in the beauty of the love and loyalty that I feel for its own sake. For me, it’s about being self-contained, and I can enjoy the passionate, gorgeous purity of the feelings that I feel, without obligating someone else, often without even sharing them.

  347.  #347Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:15 am

    so i went to see teach-me-how-to-pet-the-cat-guy…

    ill call him Jdog, for now cuz i forgot if i gave him a name before

    so we cuddled and he asked wat i need to be turned on and i said kissing

    and usually i feel ashamed and furious TALKING (well i used to feel this way) cuz im ilke he KNOWS THIS AND HES NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY AND DOSNT LIKE ME

    but now im in a diff place and im like yo, im just sharing about myself, it has nothing to do with him and if he wants to or not!


  348.  #348Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:28 am

    well i feel good right now

    but i dint feel That great leaving there

    i felt just chill

    i do notice i feel less focuse on SEcurity man tho

    SO WAIT what i realized was…

    cuz i hung out iwth Dman yesterday and Jdawg today

    that i feel kinda like Rori says… not really interested… kinda bored

    but not in an annoyed way!

    in a loving and smile thinking of them yet i want so much more where are the other men way!


    its like, i really just feel GOOD with the men who Do drive to me, do take me out, do kiss me, etc

    i don’t feel as turned on without that.. i just feel chill and kinda like friends!

    and thats wassup! without the anger!

    yay i have a new normal!

    even though ive had sex with these men, and they’re great… im just not really feeling all THAT you know?

    id reather go on dates than spend alll my time withthem


    what a relief!

  349.  #349Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:30 am

    i feel frustrated im not feeling fulfilled writing this the way i was getting it… 😛

    i want to expound on and get used to rolling around in this feeling

  350.  #350Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:31 am

    ((((Emerson)))) I hope you don’t give in and have him work for it instead!

    it’s not worth giving in —> subtle fast steps to heartbreak

  351.  #351Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:37 am

    i feel really pleased! all these x lovers are showing up with the way they are – and they havent necessarily changed , in that they offer what they have before and i can see where it might not match and

    they are also more attentive to me.

    and yet im just not ‘into’ them like that

    im feeling open but not the Thrill… and i like that as im not getting offered stuff

    i feel Thrill going on a great date now!

    i went on a date recently but it didnt feel great… and i felt less of a need to hang on and try to ‘explain what i didnt like’ or keep the guy

  352.  #352Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:41 am

    i feel all happy right now cuz going to Jdawg’s i felt all pist and was even having an attitude towards him some, but now i just feel happy and excited to go to bed and know that im into being treated well now!

  353.  #353Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:53 am

    i feel filled with a happiness 🙂

    these guys have great touch… and yet now i dont feel like ‘oh hes the only one that has that touch that will make me feel like that’

    im just way interested in being taken out, guys who can do that

    i feel excited! im pretty sure this is in my vibe and new (and old) men will pick up on it and be prequalified as Rori says!

    wat wat 🙂

    i don’t really feel like driving to them that much anyomre, like i used to

    now i feel scared ill meet one who does come and is also awesome, and get all focused on him as if he’s the only one

    this is just really big progress for me though, to leave a guy’s house after i felt chill and good with him and Not feel all intense, just feel chill and yet clearly less thrill than going on a date

  354.  #354Daria on June 2, 2013 at 1:55 am

    oh: Hello you’ve been here since I first started. How have you’re dates been? Figured you’d be off of here by now.

    lol 🙂


    What are you up to this late?

    im feeling happy getting ready for bed 🙂


    Well good night gorgeous…..glad you’re feeling happy : )
    When you can I’d like to know exactly what that means. Never heard anyone use the words that way lol

    lol 🙂 thank you…

  355.  #355Daria on June 2, 2013 at 2:00 am

    also i feel glad i have a fat pussy 🙂

    guys compliment me on it! lol

  356.  #356Daria on June 2, 2013 at 2:00 am

    im SO on the right track!

  357.  #357Rebecca on June 2, 2013 at 2:57 am

    Mercedes – 332 – thanks for keeping things in perspective for me!

    I slide very quickly into negative thinking without even realising it.

    It’s good to get a reminder to stay positive…

  358.  #358smile on June 2, 2013 at 4:09 am

    I feel alive
    I feel productive

    I feel like I’ve finally shifted something in me that was a problem previously. Yey me! I always use to get disappointed around plans and inviting boyfriends to family events and getting let down. I had a NEED for them to be there. Now I feel relaxed. I know he can’t go so I haven’t even invited him. I’m seeing him a bit later on anyway for exciting plans.
    Wow what a relief I don’t have this NEED anymore.

  359.  #359smile on June 2, 2013 at 4:11 am

    I love positivity
    What you focus on grows
    I’m sooo aware of this in my day to day thinking

  360.  #360Syreena on June 2, 2013 at 5:02 am

    Thank you Liquid light.

    I feel exasperated sometimes.
    I love all of my feelings positive and negative.

    What feels bad to me is when other people tell other people that negative feelings are bad …
    I love and trust all of my feelings… They all serve me well.

    I did not use the word can’t.

  361.  #361seahorse on June 2, 2013 at 10:51 am

    317- Rori……………………… *giggling*……….. ‘My rules’ was the last part of that post……………

    YES!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it is boundry setting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to use that and do a my rules list for my self. Guidelines, like the post. A new perspective on boundries! Thank you.

    I am very thankful for this site. I feel not alone.

    As I was married for 20 years and stayed at home for 19 of them, went through death of friends and family, his bad/good health and my own, losses and wins……………… all of the glorious mess that is life, I have to say…………………. May I have more please???? Good bad ugly……whatever! I am alive and here and it feels so BIG……….. and beautiful to have life.

    I made my choices and I feel confident about some of them, I feel sad about some other ones……………I feel pleased? At ease? comfortable…………. maybe less guilty(?) that ex H is in his new relationship. it feels really good and sweet like chocolate and dawn is rising and I felt sad for awhile that it(exH) wasn’t for me. Could of I changed that around…….. yep! And it was working EXACTLY as Rori said it would. Got messy and LOUD and ……………………. I used feeling messages through it all. Not quiet anymore, and sometimes when it got really ugly and I had to go really deep past the wanting to yell and I would breathe and reach so deep into myself to pull up the truth of who I am and what I was feeling………. it shocked the daylights out of myself, and him. Then it was there, no more trying to get around who I was what I was feeling and ………………… it got uglier and then my boundries were smashed and I left.

    I’m 46 and I feel new. Like dawn and I have MY GUIDELINES:) MY RULES for ME! ohhhhhhhhhhhh I love the way that feels………. I am overcome with gratitude for being here. Thank you for helping me find me. Or maybe the right words are ……….. for helping me uncover me…………………. Dang hard work to carry all that around. There is no limit to what I can do. It’s all open and while it’s not all going to be smooth sailing……….. my boat ROCKS!!!!! and anyway, smooth sailing is not very adventurous…………. What you focus on grows……………… Thank You

  362.  #362Luzydel on June 2, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Dated myself today, It feels so good when I do that! Ice-cream lunch at the park took some pictures and then came home took the dog for a walk… I need a break from Cding men; not that I am not open to CD one if he shows up in one of my adventures, just not pursuing it for now…

  363.  #363Rori Raye on June 2, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Syreena – I’ve been monitoring very carefully since I closed down the “thinking” discussion – and yours was the first to fall into moderation with certain words. I’m editing out everything but Feeling Messages, and putting the rest of it here in my comment, to help you and anyone else use the Guidelines more efficiently. If you’d like to get your own version of it through – please re-write into FMs – we’re all getting triggered here, and I don’t want a discussion about what anyone thinks (except me!). I only want to hear what everyone feels, inside, in their own situation. You can say how what someone said triggered you – and it has to be about you, not them, and it can’t be an “opinion.” Again, sorry for the strictness of the Guidelines, my rules. And also sorry I can’t catch everyone. Mercedes has my permission to give her opinion because I’ve okayed her as a Coach – and yet, I write her privately (as I did you) anytime I feel she’s gone outside the Coach Guidelines. Mercedes has been here on the blog a very long time, and has established her credibility and the value of her voice over time. I know it seems unfair to allow Mercedes to give her opinion about you, and then not allow you to “answer back” in the same way – and that’s just the way it is. STILL – you can express EVERY bit of feeling you have about this – you just have to do it in Feeling Messages. No one gets anything “perfect” – I’m looking here for intention. Love, Rori

    Here’s what you wrote (see if you can catch the “statements” and opinions and Reporting – and see if you’d like to re-work them):

    Thank you Liquid light.

    I feel exasperated sometimes.
    I love all of my feelings positive and negative.

    Negative feelings are hear to protect me as let me see the truth.

    Negative feelings are not bad.

    What feels bad to me is when other people tell other people that negative feelings are bad and they are wrong.
    This in my experience has caused a great deal of harm to children and vulnerable susceptible adults who buy into that sheer and utter damaging.

    If we were not supposed to have core negative feelings, sadness, anger, heartbreak grief, they would not exist and they are part of what make us human.
    I love and trust all of my feelings thank you very much. They all serve me well.

    Mercedes. Can’t is your made up word not mine.
    I did not use the word can’t.
    There is always possibility for a woman in her 50′s with two children who hasn;t workes for 18 years to be both mum dad and get a great paying job however the possibilities for a woman in that situation are in real life which is what we are talking about are going to be more difficult than someone who is younger who has not got two children to look after and has youth, time energy and more experience in the highly competitive job market.
    More difficult means exactly that, not that she CAN”T

    I believe this woman needs to seriously think her best option for her real life situation that she in in and living.

  364.  #364Nikita on June 2, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Daria ….

    Are you looking for me in the ethers?


  365.  #365seahorse on June 2, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Luzydel……….. That felt so good to read. I love days like that. Big hugs for us!!!

  366.  #366Syreena on June 2, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    Thank You Rori.

  367.  #367Daria on June 2, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    so i worked with my Heart IQ coach today (thank you Darling Ella) and … I feel so excited

    i feel like im going through the last step tunnel into feeling confident speaking my truth with women – and healing my fear of being hit…

    no more shutting down and closing off and hating it

    that’s what this issue with Securityman has been about, and it’s gonna help me so much more in my life… healing and getting me even more to the healing i want with my Godsister too

    i feel pleased, this is my 3rd time working with her and the last 2 times what I wanted really began manifesting powerfully!

    and this time it feels like it is also!

    And Security man has been contacting me today… i just responded an hour ago as I was unsure about talking to him earlier, and then i was busy cooking…

    and now he’s back in touch

    I feel pleased and not addicted and curious what fun stuff I will do with myself today 🙂

    and i have a date planned for tomorrow after the dentist!

  368.  #368Daria on June 2, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Nikita my love 🙂 i feel all happy hearing from you! I looked for you last week 🙂

  369.  #369Syreena on June 2, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Ok. fair enough Rori I hear you re Mercedes. I don’t want to read mercedes opinion on what I have written in the future if I am not allowed to reply back with an opinion, as I don’t want my opinion devalued if other people want the same respect of me reading theirs I want the same respect back. It feels unimportant in my eyes to me if someone has given themself the label of coach or any other label they chose for themselves. So feels best for me to completely ignore and disengage from Mercedes posts in the future then. As I have not joined Mercedes site and blog and don’t want her opinion with no right to reply.

  370.  #370Rebecca on June 2, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    I’m going imto over ride with this guy… I wannastop myself but I can’t… Ahhh i’m suffering low self esteem – he seems so out of my league… I know he is…

  371.  #371Daria on June 2, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    so he texted and texted and now he called… he wants me to go over there but he “understands if i dont” … and he misses me (unprompted for me)


    hehe 🙂

    i don’t feel like going over there. told him id feel down to meet him at the train station here, he said he has no way over here…

    well im feeling pleased and all into msyelf

    the energy is back flowing my way and im feeling it

  372.  #372Daria on June 2, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    is it the wayyy you lovve me baybeee… talking about ME 🙂

    hehe thank you for cooking that wonderful meal for me Daria

    booking my coaching session

    going out in the sun and earth barefoot

    and staying with me

  373.  #373Syreena on June 2, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    re written.
    Attempt. no `1

    I feel exasperated sometimes.
    I love all of my feelings positive and negative.
    I feel deeply
    grateful and trusting for my gift of both positive and negative, especially my negative feelings which have saved both mine and my childrens life. Thank thank you thank you.
    I trust my negative feelings above and beyond anyone else s opinions and thoughts of them.
    I feel so very grateful, for the gift of anxiety fear panic and that I listened to you. I don’t want to ever ignore you or tell you to shut up be quiet stuff you down to go away.
    I want to scream from the top of my lungs from the deepest essence of my soul NOOOOOOOOOO to anyone who tries to silence and control my negative feelings. Or runnnnnnnnnn and get away from them if they don’t accept my no.

    What feels bad to me is when other people tell me or other people that negative feelings are bad and they are wrong.
    This feels damaging and harmful to me.

    As I human I feel blessed with both positive and negative feelings and their existence.
    And feel a knowing deep within my core that as a human I am supposed to have and love both.

    I love and trust all of my feelings thank you very much. They all serve me well.

    I feel annoyed when other people substitute my words for their own as my meaning is then no longer my meaning. I feel my blood start to boil and anger rise within me.

    I feel the need to question and ask myself how many women
    in their 50′s with two children who haven’t worked for 18 years get a job that earn them enough money to be able to take financial care of themselves and children with in such a highly competitive job market up against so many other candidates. While still meeting their own and their childrens physical and emotional needs. And feel the need to question is that easy to do or difficult?
    I would want to find that information out if I were in that situation and feel sad for the situation this woman is now in.Then I would want to chose what my best options were based on my research and what actions I needed to put in place to get to the place I wanted to be.

  374.  #374Millie on June 2, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    @Luzydel 361

    I’ve been following your posts about POF and online dating..and feel like you’ve captured my issue with online dating in this phrase:

    “just not pursuing it for now…”

    Pursuing!!! Online dating feels like pursuing even if a man initiates contact. The fact that I’m even on there feels like I’m pursuing something, which to me is a lot different than being OPEN to something.

    After my last experience with POF, (which wasn’t bad), I felt like it just wasn’t for me, but at the same time I do not get approached often by men in life wanting to date me- so that’s why I keep doing it! Online dating to me feels like effort, like trying, like managing, hoping, crafting an image of yourself, editing..
    I didn’t want to do it again, BUT of course, I want to CD so a couple days ago I unhid my profile. I’ve gotten a lot of messages, but I have no motivation to reply, to try…. It feels like I’m trying to make the universe give me something. The thrill of a man walking up to me in person asking for my number on his own feels so much better than being asked out in cyber abyss…

    I’m so glad to hear about your day with yourself. I took my dog to the dog beach as well and he had a blast. It feels good to be out alone and/or with your pet. 🙂 Thank you for shedding light on online dating!

  375.  #375LoveAlways on June 2, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Hi sirens:

    I feel bad for not keeping up with the blog and just popping in to journal. It seems like a rich experience of sharing and learning going on lately and I feel so outside of it all. Day Ten of No Contact and it feels like months have gone by but I’m getting more into myself again and it feels soo good. Had yet another date with myself today! This has been a serious date weekend for me, myself and I and it feels good! I am in the pits back and forth still, but I work through it and get back on my bridge. I broke down and ordered Rori’s Love Scripts for Relationships. At first I did not see the need since I had the dating one, but now from just reading the work book – this is something I should have gotten hold of a few months ago when HScd and I got back together. I also ordered the heart connection tool kit. I feel giddy and I feel heady for putting out that kind of $$$ but I’m starting over in a way, being in love pre-siren was one thing . . . it’s a totally different world as a siren and I feel like I lost myself in love. Will emerge a new creature yet again. Not sure what will happen with my relationship as I have completely walked away and cut off contact, but I am hopeful for my future and my heart still because I can choose, I’m not stuck with or without a man.



  376.  #376Millie on June 2, 2013 at 8:33 pm


    So–the guy I wrote about earlier–the singer who approached me at two of his shows–gave me a small flyer both times that has upcoming shows on them and pointed out that they had his “personal” email on them. The first time I thought nothing of it even though I felt attracted to him. I just “liked” the band’s facebook page. So when he spoke to me the other night, he did the same thing- gave me a flyer and pointed out his email, but I felt a flirtation. Maybe it was all in my head 🙁 He told me to email him–but I feel weird doing that–like it’s too forward–so instead I just wrote on the band’s facebook page, which I’m sure he mananges, and said nice seeing you again and thank you for the upcoming band info, I’ll definitely keep up! whatever…..I was hoping he would message me or SOMETHING, but he just “liked” my post. I feel sad….Now I’m wondering if I should have just emailed him–but whatever–if he’s not interested, he’s not interested.

  377.  #377MovingMagic on June 2, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    I can feel how far I’ve come with love for myself & it feels amazing. The inner awareness and acceptance I’m finding within myself feels vast & layered. I’m happy with me. Is it a perfect love? It’s perfectly imperfect. It’s the kind of love that has no conditions. It’s the kind of love that ebbs and flows, the kind of love that is ever evolving. My love is a rhythm…the beat of a hand drum, inspiring the world to dance.

  378.  #378Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    well ladies who feel being online is pursuing

    it IS masculine energy!

    Rori makes a big deal of using our masculine energy to Get out there and be seen!

    i felt confused about this at first, liek why use masculine energy… but its different to use it to place yourself somewhere to be seen, (yes yes yes center of the room! …

    visible (and with effort in looking our best) online!)

    than in using it to pursue a particular man (no go no workie no gets good results)

  379.  #379Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Moving Magic – whoa that feels… moving and magic… I feel rhythmic I feel the ebb an flow

  380.  #380Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Millie – hmm it sounds like he Is interested… what if you e-mail him (he told you to, so its ok) and just send a “Hi :)”


  381.  #381Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    Love Always I feel your powerful flow too!

  382.  #382Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    hmm im getting this sadness like my papi is missing me and feeling sad i am not with him (didn’t come to him)


    he told me to contact him

    ive been contemplating that i’d write… “:) i miss you eating my pussie pa” (embarassing writing that here hehe)

    now i dono

    i feel afraid if i don’t contact he’ll think im holding back

    i do feel like i’ve sometimes held back rather than just leaned back

    and he has said, now and also when we first dated 3 years ago, he doesn’t really feel my love for him


    i know now for example ill bring out other men sometimes, casually,

    but its really motivated by my FEAR!

    and tryina show and prove that im free, rather than just being

    i want to stop that

    i feel so happy to be here with me and into me… instead of lost and awash into him

  383.  #383Turquoise on June 2, 2013 at 9:14 pm

    Hi sirens 🙂 life is good. I changed my pof dating profile to a quite simple, quick one, said I am low maintenance, getting lots of results.

    I got free baseball tickets today and took my sister. Weather was beautiful, we had a great time! Then i took my daughter out to dinner and later got to visit with Mr. Conversation. It was nice, feels very normal. It also feels good that he wants to spend time together. The sexual tension is honestly fun. We have great eye contact.

    I heard from a 53 year old guy… Way out of my preferred age range, but he sounds interesting. I may meet him.

  384.  #384Millie on June 2, 2013 at 9:29 pm


    I don’t know! I thought about it, but I feel like emailing him would be chasing…and I’m wondering if the reason he gave me attention is only because he wants fans… It is more inherent for me to assume the masculine role at times, but I also want to receive rather than control. I feel like that has been my downfall. I am too assertive.

    I hear you with the “holding back” vs. “leaning back,” and how it is related to fear of intimacy. I’m pretty sexual so I like sending texts about fucking and my pussy misses you…etc..but if you don’t feel comfortable saying it, then don’t do it just to appease him. I would focus on showing your love when it feels right instead of “going out of your way” to show it.

  385.  #385Daria on June 2, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    im feeling myself and my power! im feeling healed and powerful

    today i went on a walk w my mom and then felt nausea and i belive ive healed something that was part of my electrical hypersensitivity issues

    perhaps walking is something that would feel good to do often

  386.  #386Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    ah ah i can feel his pining for me

    awww 🙁

    i feel glad in a way tho

    this is how at first i could feel his dick and energy craving me from far away even if i was guessing he’d be with her at the time

    i could feel his energy and desire for me anyway, and i felt confident and sure of myself

    now im feeling his energy coming toward me again and i feel surprised i ever forgot this feeling!

    i had even written a song about it!

  387.  #387Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    right now its not his dick but his heart i feel

  388.  #388Luzydel on June 2, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    This is a song in Spanish written by R. Arjona, but I translated into english to make this “poem”… It reflex how I feel right now and what I need…My apologies if the writing seems a bit “off” was trying to keep it close to the original version.

    To purge the ghosts inside of me
    To get into bed without touching
    join me to the mystery
    Of not making company to each other
    To sleep without pretending that nothing happens
    join me to be alone
    Join me to the silence
    Of chatting without the words
    To know that you are there and I am next to you
    Join me to the absurdity of embracing us without contact
    You in your place and I in mine
    like a guardian angel
    join me to be alone

    Join me
    To say without the words
    the blessing that is to have you and to be unfaithful just with this solitude
    Join me
    To love without saying it
    To touch you without rubbing not even
    the reflection of your skin against the light
    To think about me so I can live for you
    Join me to be alone
    Join me to be alone
    To calibrate my fears
    To slowly poison my memories
    To love me a little bit
    And this way I can love you how I want to
    To clean myself of the past
    Join me to be alone

    And if the lights go out
    And if the hell ignites
    And if I feel lost
    I’ll know you will be with me
    With a rescue kiss
    Join me to be alone

  389.  #389Luzydel on June 2, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    I meant it reflects 😉

  390.  #390Emerson on June 2, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    349 thanks Daria !! 🙂
    I have not given in and while I feel turned on by exoticCD sexually, I also feel turned off when I feel pressured or not cared for.
    I also started taking to a guy I met online and he says he had no need/desire for a connection to God. I respect all people’s beliefs but… Really?? I found that strange and empty… Kinda freaky. Im very spiritual and i feel there is a higher being looking out for all if us, how can you not want a connection?

  391.  #391Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    i just feel so filled with love, i just want to cry!

    and now i feel a sadness, and im wondering is it him? cuz it doesnt really feel like me…

    oh i hope he gets his confidence and footing on and makes his dreams come true – gets the power to come to me


    ima choose to believe in him! to see it happen for him! i can EFT on it

  392.  #392Millie on June 2, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    Damn my previous comment ended up in moderation.

  393.  #393Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    when a man ‘can’t make money’ (wow look how i word it) and when *I* ‘can’t make money’

    i have my NV’s say, thats’ how he is and he never will!

    and i feel afraid im sabotaging my brothers, other men, and ME in this way!

    i want to stop!

    I want to believe in him (tho i don’t! – and instead try to ‘help’ !!)

    I am healing this!

    i can EFT on this

    this will also heal ME!

    I feel scared! whoa!

  394.  #394Millie on June 2, 2013 at 10:26 pm


    I decided to email him–I actually realized that I didn’t address the post on their page to him and maybe I’m wrong in assuming he manages it. I actually don’t know. So I said that in the email. So–whatever happens happens. I do feel better after taking the more personal route–regardless of how he answers. I feel like I was “trying to be casual” with posting on FB, when I shouldn’t have tried to be anything.

  395.  #395Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    im feeling this drainy compassion for him that i think i learned from my mom and that does NOT actually help me with men…

    and i think actually like jinxes them from me!


  396.  #396Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:27 pm

    right on Millie! 🙂 now you will see for sure if he takes the initiative

  397.  #397Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    i jsut did Access Consciousness on it!

    I want the power to believe in people and see the vision of them as what they want to be

    anything blocking that am i willing to destroy and uncreate times a gadzillion?

    right wrong good bad all 9 pod poc shorts boys and beyonds!

    ACCESS CONSCIOUSNESS works yall! google it

  398.  #398Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    and influence people to heal in this way! im feeling excited to own this power!

  399.  #399Daria on June 2, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    i feel filled with energy right now and i want to socialize but im gonna take me to the other room and read for awhile like 30 min while my phone charges to 100% then take it downstairs and go to bed!

    I feel so excited and happy about LIFE!!!

    thank you!

    and thank you to my blood and hormones

  400.  #400Millie on June 2, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    Daria 🙂

    I wrote you a response about “holding back” vs. “leaning back.” But it is held up in moderation. I hear you on this, there is a lot of fear in intimacy and being vulnerable. I like expressing my sexuality, and I actually enjoy talking dirty–but if you feel uncomfortable sending him messages like that, maybe wait until it feels right. Or, focus on expressing your love when you see him instead of feeling like you need to “go out of your way” to assure him.

  401.  #401Rori Raye on June 3, 2013 at 12:34 am

    Thank you, Syreena! Love, Rori

  402.  #402Veronica on June 3, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Daria – I’m getting confused – what is the difference between leaning back and holding back?

  403.  #403Turquoise on June 3, 2013 at 4:58 am

    Good morning Sirens, I forgot to share something… This guy from out of state emailed me on OK Cupid. It was nice back and forth conversation… Very easy breezy. Well, I hadn’t responded to his last email in a few days, and when I did, he replied back on how happy he was to hear from me, he thought he’d lost me because he is married. So, I go back and look at his profile, says available. So I emailed him back, said I hadn’t realized… Profile says available. He said that’s what OKC tells you to put when you are married and looking. Wow! Didn’t know that either. He said he wouldn’t write me anymore if I didn’t want him to, thought it wasn’t a problem with the distance. I responded that it wouldn’t be a problem except I wouldn’t want my husband looking online, and even in a pen pal situation, feelings can develop. He said he understood, had thought this was better…. Than what? Physically cheating? I felt disappointed in him. It also feels like a waste of time chatting, emailing, texting with a married man. I don’t normally even keep in touch with someone from out if state, but I do believe you never know where the one for you may be.

  404.  #404Turquoise on June 3, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Veronica, my take on the difference between leaning and holding back, is that in leaning back, you are focusing on yourself, your wants and desires…. Leaving room for him to lead, to choose you, to come toward you, even physically. Like you living your own life, letting him ask you out, come pick you up, choose where to go, and you being open to receiving.

    Holding back is when you hold in your feelings, pull back from emotional intimacy, aren’t open and authentic and reacting based on fear… Of rejection, him pulling away, etc. so if say a man you were interested in hadn’t called as soon as you hoped, you felt disappointed, but then he did ask you out…. And while you were together, you held back your feelings to not get hurt in case maybe he didn’t call again…, then you wouldn’t be authentic to yourself. Just my take, I’m not a coach.

  405.  #405IamHis on June 3, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Guys have done this before. But I don’t think I ever appreciated it until now.


    He came over to me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and I felt SO GOOD and SO SAFE and it just felt perfect.

    I think I might have actually audibly said “mmmm…”

    I’ve never done that and it felt amazing!

  406.  #406IamHis on June 3, 2013 at 6:05 am

    @263 Indigo – gorgeous!

  407.  #407Veronica on June 3, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Turquoise – 403 – Thank you. That helps a lot.

  408.  #408Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Daria thank you for your comment to me it’s been sticking in my head …”fast track to heartbreak”…. I know I’m doing the right thing going slow ….

  409.  #409Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I miss the coziness of being in a relationship, on weekends waking up and having coffee in bed together, making breakfast, being lazy and planning our fun day together…
    Wearing cute sexy pjs to bed for him, feeling alive and loved and feeling a potential future in my heart, being spoiled and doted on, spoiling someone and feeling appreciated by a man and getting so much affection every day…. Opening my heart and leaving the house to start my day knowing he will be there when I get back…
    These are things that I miss terribly from my past relationships..

  410.  #410Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 7:30 am

    I have a close friend who in my opinion has been in an imaginary relationship. The guy will literally tell her he is not in love with her,tell her to leave,tell her he can’t promise monogamy, she caught him with other women, and she is now buying him gifts and telling me she is having a “talk” with him and it was good etc. she is in complete denial. Then she is trying to drag me into it, bashing him one day and crying, dumping all her horrible stories about him onto me, and the next day she wants me to join the two of them for golf. What??
    I find it so draining I have been avoiding her like the plague. I don’t want to be around the toxicity.

  411.  #411Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 7:33 am

    I am really missing some elements of my past but I know the future can be greater …. I know more now….
    I know roris tools! I know waterwheel and leaning back. I know palms open and I know feeling messages….I know not to drive to a man…

  412.  #412Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:10 am

    I just want to quickly say, so as not to be misunderstood by what Rori says about me above:

    I don’t label myself a a coach. I do speak as a coach and have been given that blessing here after many years of talking to Rori and working through how my voice comes across and by softening up a bit from the stuff I would write years ago but as for my profession, I do not coach. Someday, maybe (specially live workshops in the yoga studio) but for now, no.

    Also, I take full responsibility for the word “can’t”. Syreena did not say it but I felt it was implied and I projected it into what she said. I do agree…it probably won’t be easy on this woman (or any woman, regardless of age). I did not mean to associate that word with someone’s else’s post. It was a straight up projection on my part and for that I am sorry.

    Rori: You are the sweetest angel on earth! Thank you for your belief in me.

    And last but not least:

    Nikita!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! 🙂 I’ve been thinking about you sooooo much lately. You would be SHOCKED and I do mean SHOCKED at how far I’ve come!!!! Remember the car fiasco and my fierce independence? Well…these days, I live with J and he’s financing the start up of my very own business. 🙂 Yup…and I didn’t even kick and scream at all. Haha!

    Much Love,

  413.  #413Lisa on June 3, 2013 at 8:13 am

    I’m feeling very sad, frustrated and hopeless this morning…

    I’m feeling hopeless about money and if it will every change for me

    I’m feeling not good enough b/c I can’t make money

    I’m feeling frustrated about my ability to have a great reciprocative relationship with a man that gives freely….. and cares what my wants are…

    I’m feeling frustrated b/c I can’t find my Rori Raye e-book…and I love the tools but feel that I’ve got too much on my plate to be able to work them well… and it is hurting my relationship with “M”.

    I’m sad b/c “M” is the best thing ( in the way of a man) that I’ve ever had and yet his passive / aggressive behaviors have me concerned about it working out and being healthy. I love him! and I know that love isn’t enough sometimes.

    I love my big heart and at the same time it gets me hurt also…

    I’m loving my tears now… I need to cry


  414.  #414MovingMagic on June 3, 2013 at 8:35 am

    When it comes to on-line dating. I’ll dedicate about 15 mins every so often to what I call “stirring the pot”. I’ll take that time to like or message men. I then sign off & lean back. It doesn’t have to involve alot of energy. It’s kindof my way of saying to the universe “my door’s open”.

  415.  #415Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I wish, when a comment goes into mediation, Rori would take the time to correct the typos before she let’s them out. 🙂 (specifically referring to my post 411)

  416.  #416Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

    MM: I’m over on the new thread (just checking in here this morning to see what happened with the earlier discussion and then to watch for my comment to get out of jail) but I saw this and want to say I absolutely LOVE it!!!!

    ” It doesn’t have to involve alot of energy. It’s kindof my way of saying to the universe “my door’s open”.”


    Much Love,

  417.  #417Mercedes on June 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

    “I wish, when a comment goes into mediation” – heehee! maybe “moderation” is a better word. Or maybe not…. 🙂

  418.  #418Nikita on June 3, 2013 at 2:34 pm


    Cute 😉

  419.  #419Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Hmm I have a question and a theory..
    Tereana maybe you can help me with this…
    I noticed the two Indian guys I’ve dated moved really fast…like right after meeting me, deciding they lie me and then wanting me to stay the weekend at their house or go on an overnight … Ready to get intimate very fast. It scared me off last time and now it is happening again with exoticCD … It just occurred to me today, maybe it’s cultural?!

  420.  #420Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Like me not lie me

  421.  #421Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    I am not that impressed with the online prospects I’ve found on this new dating site I’m trying out … But I’m using it to raise my vibe and j think it’s working … Also practicing feeling messages (I’m being very brave!!) and finding men’s reactions to be so overwhelmingly positive…it’s so interesting …
    Also I was told today by a male friend that I attract people 🙂 that makes me feel happy

  422.  #422Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I’m feeling thankful and relieved.. Things are turning out ok with some situations I was worried about …

  423.  #423Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    I am interested in getting some guided meditation audio…any suggestions ladies?

  424.  #424Emerson on June 3, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    413 moving magic I like that approach

  425.  #425Millie on June 3, 2013 at 10:59 pm


    So–he emailed back, friendly, mentioned his upcoming shows and he added me to his email list. As I read I felt like he had been just looking to connect with fans. But at the end of the email he wrote- please give me a call w/ his number and signed it with thanks.
    Hmmmm…..what..why?? I feel kind of clueless. I see no reason to call.

  426.  #426TW on June 5, 2013 at 3:55 am

    Hello ladies,

    I have a question for you all. I have not been on this site in years but felt the need to come back to get some things straight in a relationship that I am no longer in but wish to be in again. I was dating this guy for a while and we broke up about three years ago. The thing was we were just in two different places but still had feelings for each other so we tried to work things out but he got to a point where things in his life got really bad and it just made him shut down and shut me out. He was honest about what happened and it was not another woman but financial stuff and he felt like if things went wrong for him financially then he was not in a position to be in a relationship. I finally broke down after four years of this going back and forth but not being in a committed relationship and started dating. Last night he text me and told me that he already knew that I went out with someone and he went from not replying to my text to sending me joking text like we were just fine. I feel like he is just doing that because someone else has entered the picture. I love him and I can not see my life with him not in it 50 years from now but I do not want him to take my focus off dating because again we are not together. The new guy is really nice and gives me the energy and effort that I deserve and want. It could just be jealousy. I have not seen my ex in 3 months and we live less than 10 minutes away from each other but I thin he probably drives by the house to look for unfamiliar cars and that is how he figured out that I was seeing someone else. I have expressed to the new guy that I want to take things slow and focus more on getting to know each other and having fun and he is perfectly fine with that. We both know that we have the right to date others but if we engage in anything other than that then we need to tell the other for safety purposes. I do not know what to do now. I am definitely not taking my focus off the new guy until I have a true commitment from my ex.

  427.  #427Dominique on June 5, 2013 at 4:59 am

    TW – I’m not sure where the question is here. It seems as though you already know what to do and are doing it.

    I would suggest staying away from making assumptions about what your ex is or is not thinking or doing. You really don’t know, and whatever you think is going on likely isn’t. So allow things to unfold as they do. And you get to choose every step of the way.


  428.  #428Daria on June 5, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    Happy Birthday Andrea! 🙂

  429.  #429Lisa on June 6, 2013 at 6:32 am

    I have tears coming today….. I feel like crying

    I feel sad b/c I don’t know if I’m enough for a man to “not be able to live without me”. I’ve never felt that valuable or worth it.. that’s changing…

    I feel that my love isn’t enough

    I feel that if I don’t show him how much I love him, he’ll walk away ( could be the opposite)

    I feel scared that “M” will choose his yogi practice of meditation over me…

    I feel I want him even though there is all this stuff in the way… I want him..

    Last night during love making, I had tears rolling down my face… I’ve had defenses up lately… and it broke… he makes me feel so wonderful when he makes love to me.. He tells me ‘your all I want” and he loves me.. I want him!!! This week I wasn’t sure if I did want him, and all the “tit for tat” issues he has, his need for routine …. then during love making, the tears opened me up, and my heart says, yes, I do want him…

    I told him how happy I feel and that I could just melt into him.. I love the smell of his breath and we fell asleep in each others arms… I felt so safe…

    I don’t know what it is that is bothering him lately, but I know it is there.. I know he is torn between spending time with me and meditation and feeling tired for work. I don’t want to be the cause of his resentment from that. I don’t know how to help or make it better. I’m scared but in a not freaking out way… I feel a sense of confidence in him and us… and also that if he doesn’t decide to continue with me… I’m ok! That feels good. Tears, Tears… feel good..


  430.  #430Lenore on June 9, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    The guy I had been seriously dating for almost 3 years broke up with me, and told me, “I’m just tired of being hurt, and I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m trying to be fair to you, I really am. I know it sounds weird, but I would still like to have you in my life, maybe as friends?” What I didn’t know was that he was talking to his ex girlfriend (one that he dated for not even a year, and she dumped him and dropped out of his existence for 4 years) 2 weeks before telling me this. AND him and her started publicly dating the day afterwards. When I confronted him about it, asking for my things back (because my unmentionables were still at his house) he told me that he didn’t leave me for her, and that he was just really unhappy in our relationship for a long time (we were still having sex! what the flying H?!)

  431.  #431Mary Edington on June 10, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Lisa, your post (#429) triggered me to write, not something I normally do; my comfort zone is reading from the sidelines…

    I can tell you, from my experience with my SO, that usually when something is bothering him, it most often has nothing to do with me… he just turns inward to mull over/form a strategy of whatever is ailing him at the time. I, too, used to take it personally and it did quite a bit of damage to my psyche until I finally figured out it almost always has NOTHING to do with me… it’s just the way men do things (at least mine)… now what I do, instead of obsessing and fretting over what it could be that I did to make him pull away, is to tell him (not accusingly) that I’ve noticed something appears to be bothering him and ask him if there is something that he wants to share with me or is there something I can help him with – this is a huge opening that works to open dialogue for us.

    I just don’t want you to feel the way I did many years ago without knowing for sure… life is stressful enough without making up story boards in our heads of things that may not be so, right?

  432.  #432Rori Raye on June 11, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Lenore – Do you want to fight for him? If so, then listen to what he says. Why do you suppose he says he “felt alone”? Sex has absolutely nothing to do with it. Why would he, especially as a man, say he “felt hurt”? Why do you suppose he felt unhappy? These are the things you want to know if you’re going to fight for him – or build another relationship with a new man. I encourage you to get the ebook for starters (over in the sidebar) and see if you can see the pattern here in how your relationship went for 3 years. Love, Rori

  433.  #433Lenore on June 12, 2013 at 9:23 am

    I do want to fight for him but I’m just not sure what I should do. He was upset with me because I wouldn’t spend the night at his house as much as he wanted, and I didn’t go on those out of state trips with him. But he didn’t tell me, he didn’t forgive me, and he actually started resenting me for it.

  434.  #434Jessie on June 16, 2013 at 1:09 am


    I read a bit of your story, and I would say definitely give him a call =) I think that it sounds like you are at least open to the possibility of getting to know him on a more personal level, so that along with the fact that he invited you to call him seem like a good reason. (He doesn’t have your number, so you don’t even have to worry about waiting to see if he will call first either. ) If you still don’t feel like he is interested after chatting, then you can always decide to end it there, and no harm is done. Just something to consider =)

  435.  #435Evelyn Jones on June 17, 2013 at 3:05 am

    “You can fix this – and it’s going to take a huge leap and some new skills, a willingness to walk away, and a willingness to embark on something new.

    If this other woman is too embedded in his mind and heart to let go of…then your options are limited.”

    I agree. There are skills here that you must have or must learn, like learning how to control your emotions and weighing your options very well..