Which Is Better: Meeting Organically, Or Meeting Online?

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understand menI just did an interview with Jonathon this week – and he absolutely blew me away.

I’ve already referred several clients to him…he’s charming, sweet, a big teddy-bear of a man who actually takes you by the hand, tells you the truth, and yet gets you moving in the right direction in a loving way. Here’s some online dating tips from him:

By Jonathon Aslay

Given the ever growing number of options for dating in the last few years, it is really hard to know where to begin, or which is the best option for you.

Look at it, there is Internet dating in all of its varieties: PlentyofFish.com, Cupid.com, SingleParentsMeet.com, Chemistry.com, OKCupid.com, Perfectmatch.com, eHarmony.com, and the infamous Match.com There are Internet dating sites by “flavor”: Gay, Muslim, Canadian, Latino, Senior, Millionaire, Brainiac, UK and probably every other country, hobby, musical genre, and religion under the sun.

In terms of meeting organically, or face-to-face, you have Speed dating, Matchmaking services, the “old school standby,” spotting someone at a social event and hoping someone you know knows someone he knows, getting set up by your friends, neighbors, your kids or even your cleaning lady.

The number of dates you could go through this way only to discover he is: in the middle of a divorce, conservative if you are liberal, very scientific, rigid and calculated when you are creative and spontaneous, a drinker, a smoker, uncomfortably differently religious than you are, someone who wants kids, someone who has six kids already, a book worm, a couch potato, a player, the list goes on…as you become dizzied and discouraged.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could get a really good glimpse into a guy’s life, his friends, his tastes, hobbies, religion, musical tastes, how he interacts, and whether he believes in Astrology, is vegetarian, meditates, likes 80s or 90s, is an art of history buff, an antique hunter or whatever, without having to wade through innumerable expensive dates, hours of get to know you chit chat, texting into infinity… Just want a glimpse into who he is, what he is like plain and simple?

Perhaps you’d be surprised by the growing number of relationships that develop from some of the social networking sites like Facebook. The opportunities to interact with someone, to experience firsthand their day to day in terms of tastes, reactions, humor, sociability, and just general ability to smile in the face of chaos or disturbing world events, difficulties at work, political upheaval here or elsewhere are countless.

The chance to observe and per chance gingerly interact with a man you are interested via the Internet gives both men and women a huge advantage to those old fashioned blind dates. The setting, while still virtual, lends itself to much more authenticity and transparency than a static profile, and who wouldn’t want that advantage?


Here’s a bit about Jonathon and how to reach him:

Jonathon Aslay, is a dating coach and relationship coach who’s logged thousands of hours helping women to successfully excel at Internet dating. His www.understandmennow.com website offers weekly tips from the male perspective and a Special Report “35 Places To Meet Men Out In The Real World.”

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  1.  #1turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Hmmm…. interesting article. I haven’t dated anyone from Facebook, but have reconnected with a lot of old friends. Maybe something I should keep in mind.

  2.  #2Simply Shannon on April 4, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Awww… I miss interacting with Jonathan on Facebook. He’s one of those guys that you can write whatever and he handles it well. Kind of refreshing. Hmm… think I just thought of another characteristic for my soulmate list. 🙂

    I deactivated Facebook and all my online dating profiles for Lent. I had been debating whether or not to go back online after Easter. I feel renewed reading this article. Not 100% I’ll go back to online dating right away but it does feel true about knowing some of a man’s story before meeting him.

    It’s 50/50 really. If I meet someone online, I’ve already created some expectation about who he is. If I meet someone in real life, I have less expectations but more questions.

    I just want to relax about this. I’m working on The Soulmate Secret and writing my list of “wants”. Gonna set my intention and then just date to have fun, knowing The One is coming. I feel tired of dating as a search option. I just want to enjoy the ride!!

  3.  #3Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 8:24 am

    I like meeting organically.

  4.  #4turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I don’t meet enough men organically, so online dating has been my best avenue for meeting men. Maybe not the right men, but otherwise, I’m very limited in who I’ve gone out with organically. I can only think of two people I didn’t meet online.

  5.  #5turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 8:56 am

    THe guy in the pic is yummy… he’s my exact type 🙂

  6.  #6Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 8:57 am

    From Previous Thread, 443


    Yeah, accepting that the “poofing” is theirs to own is the key for our esteem in these circumstances, I think. That the “poof” is often (almost always) all about them. Wow, 20 years and he came back hat in hand??? It’s strange but gratifying n some ways, isn’t it. Rori’s latest e-newsletter talks about this very thing–a “poofer” may just not be capable, and we need to believe him when he shows us who he is.

    Ya know, Facebook has been an odd phenomenon for me in this regard–I got a page to track my teenage children for safety and appropriateness, and all of a sudden every guy I dated in high school or college was looking me up and asking me to meet him for drinks. I naively went on one and then two drink “dates” to catch up, and in both instances, they were apologizing to me for how they treated me when we dated (the usual teen drama of cheating and poor treatment and poofing). One of the boy-men I dated in high school married his next girlfriend, so he said that *I* am still “the one that got away” and that he regrets to this very day how he dismissed me and mistreated me. He had to find me to tell me that. Then he tried to kiss me, so…ewwwwww!

    I explained in all instances that I am flattered that they still think so highly of me, but that it was 25 years ago and that it’s OK. But that I don’t want to get involved with them for any reason. When a man from the past looks me up, I always ask if his wife/girlfriend/SO would be OK knowing he is contacting me. If they pause…I thank them for the sentiment and then do not make myself available for contact.

    So, yeah. They DO often come back, don’t they? I am just now understanding this, and it makes letting them go away so much easier. The beauty is–and this is totally built into Rori’s approaches with CDing, inner work, and getting your own rich life–usually you don’t even want them back, be it 25 years or three months later. I know I rarely do.

    And I even wonder sometimes, “Oh gosh, what did I even SEE in him????”

  7.  #7Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 9:06 am

    RE 6 Boomer I can so relate. I feel I attracted some back for a do-over to convince myself that it would not work. I saw one a few years ago on the same flight with me, he was without his wife, and he just kept clinging and hugging me. The other one is now back after 26 years telling me I am his one and won’t be happy in life until he has me, he calls everyday sometimes twice per day. On Sunday it hit me though that they must be trying to prove to me that I am really all that. When it hit me I found myself singing “I feel good nanananan like sugar and spice nananana. I feel nice nananana like sugar and spice, so nice, so nice …..” Don’t know where it popped out from but my kids started singing with me. I had to ask myself what really happened why my self-esteem had dipped so low. Life can really cloud us.

  8.  #8Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 9:07 am

    From Rori
    Dear Diana, This is Rori. Thank you for your letter, I wanted to answer you personally.
    I know how painful and confusing this is, and how hard it is to “move on,” and I want to help you with that.
    First, remember what your friend told you when she fixed you up? She was right.
    This man can’t – or won’t – go the distance.
    During this time, sounds like you were EXCLUSIVE with him – am I right?
    THAT’S where you need to make changes in your methods, here.
    Your heart got all involved way too soon with him, your insecurity and neediness kicked in (if you can date a bunch of men all at the same time, REALLY fill your life with MEANINGFUL things, and do the inner work and take the Diva Creed from my Targeting Mr. Right program to heart, you’ll beef yourself up on the inside and feel MUCH better and more empowered with a man like this).
    He clearly enjoys your company, but he’s not breaking down your door – and yet he won’t leave you alone (the funny email, the Valentine’s text).
    He keeps your hope alive, even though he says, with words, and by not calling, that he’s ending the relationship.
    I’ve been through this back-and-forth-drawing things-out that so many men do. I suffered through it so many times in my life and I don’t want you to have to do it ever again with this man or any other.
    So, do this for me, please – get out there and flirt.
    Right now – it’s clear to you, me and him that you WANT him, and that you’re suffering.
    All men find this off-putting, and there’s no way for you to prevent FEELING like that if you FEEL powerless.
    Love, Rori
    ***Okay, now let’s go further.
    Did you notice how low Diana’s self-esteem is, even in writing to me?
    How she apologized for not expressing herself, and how she felt bad because she felt confused?
    Did you notice how there was absolutely NO ANGER in her letter?
    As though she blamed herself for everything, even for becoming needy and confused?
    And how blaming herself dragged her down even further?
    And how once you start dragging yourself down, it’s just like you get caught in a downward slide that you can’t stop?
    If you’ve ever been there, you know how helpless it feels.
    Let’s start with the warning Diana’s friend gave her – that this man was “wounded” because his wife cheated on him.
    I know from my own and my clients’ experiences that there is no THRILL like the possibility of landing an impossible-to-get man.
    Some of us are as drawn to the “chase’ as men are!
    And here – Diana’s been actually, verbally warned – which comes off to most of us like a “challenge.”
    Then, Diana gets completely swept up by this man’s charm, attention, affection, and by the chemistry they have with each other.
    Here are some things to know about men:
    3 months is the magic time frame.
    Up until the 3-month-mark, a man is on his best behavior (or SHOULD be), he’s swept up in the chemistry just like we are, he’s infatuated perhaps, and he LOVES the ATTENTION a warm, loving, nice, attentive woman like us gives him.
    He likes the way it feels, and it keeps him there for that 3 months. And then – everything gets REAL.
    All of a sudden he NOTICES that you’re a real person!
    He notices that you have real feelings.
    He notices that he’s been leading this relationship along, and now there are some EXPECTATIONS.
    He notices that you’re not as “free-and-easy as you were at the beginning, and that you’re starting to “act” like you’re in a “relationship” that might – heaven-forbid – be SERIOUS. All of a sudden it hits him.
    And that’s when he has to make some kind of decision. His decision is – does he keep going, and take up more and more of your time and put you off more and more, or perhaps even get more deeply involved himself where he’d have to DO something?
    Like MARRY you, or get a home with you, or something pretty official.
    Now, what pushes a man over the edge, into wanting a lifelong commitment with YOU, can be complex.
    Part of it is who HE is – whether he’s mature enough, actually WANTS a lifelong relationship, is even CAPABLE of having a lifelong relationship.
    And part of it is who YOU are – if you’re the right FIT for him, if he can’t imagine ever being without you, and so feels compelled and inspired to COMMIT to you FOREVER – or if he just enjoys your company and your body for the NOW. What happens so often around this 3-4 month period is we get scared.
    We get scared because HE got scared.
    Perhaps he backed off a little, he wasn’t sure (remember – at this point he’s considering a LIFELING commitment, so it’s not a quick, easy thing for him – he DOES have to think about it), and we panicked.
    Sometimes it’s our panic that pushes him away instead of drawing him close – for Diana it might be the “neediness” that came on so strong and wouldn’t leave her. And sometimes it’s just HIM. He just CAN’T. He just can’t imagine, at this time in his life, making that kind of commitment to ANY woman.
    So, how could Diana have known? The “not meeting” his 14 year old son was a BIG clue. All the gobble-de-gook this man was feeding Diana – the “we’re different people” lines and talking about his “woundedness” was just a lame attempt to leave the relationship as nicely as possible. And here’s the second thing you need to know about this man –
    Diana bought the whole “he’s wounded because his wife cheated on him” line. When the absolute, total truth is – he’s ATTRACTED to women who CHEAT!!!!
    Diana was just too nice, too “there,” too dependable, too loving, too easy. No matter WHAT Diana had done – no matter how many “hard-to-get” games she would have played, no matter how far she tried to back up, no matter what – he KNEW she would never cheat on him.
    And THAT was what was “wrong” with her!
    Maddening, isn’t it?
    Totally crazy-making.
    Here we are – really great women, thinking we’ll be the one “good woman” to turn around a “wounded” and “untrusting” man – and what we find out is what he really WANTS is a woman he CAN’T trust!
    Of course, he doesn’t know this about himself.
    So many of us THRIVE when we’re kept off balance.
    We mistake the “degree of difficulty” a man has for his “worth.” And guess what – men do exactly the same thing! This man had married his first wife believing that a woman who was NOT true blue, a woman who was “difficult” to pin down, a woman who was “disloyal” was somehow “expensive” and worthwhile. The reality that it hurt him horribly doesn’t even matter to him.
    A man who values “degree of difficulty” in a woman over how GOOD things FEEL to him will ALWAYS choose a woman who keeps him off-balance.
    And we women who value “degree of difficulty” in a man will always choose a man who keeps us off balance.
    Those first 3 months when a man is on his best behavior don’t count.
    Because a man who values “degree of difficulty” ALWAYS works HARD to GET a woman he thinks is “hard to get.”
    And this kind of man will NEVER choose a woman who is clearly “ALL HIS.”
    Now isn’t this just totally unfair?
    And to make it even more unfair – why would any one of us fabulous woman even WANT a man who doesn’t want a woman who’s “all his”?
    I mean, if what we really want is a close, intimate, deep, forever kind of love and relationship, who would want a man with those kind of “issues”?
    But Diana still not only clearly wants this man, she believes he CAN do the relationship dance.
    To make this “degree of difficulty” thing even clearer – take a look at what Diana says about this man –
    Isn’t she doing the same thing?
    We know that she was feeling an intense connection with this man, especially because he was treating her so wonderfully at the beginning, but we also know that she continues to feel this intense connection, to the point of dragging HERSELF downhill by chasing after him, thinking about him, strategizing about him, trying to figure him out – essentially valuing his “degree of difficulty” more than she values how she FEELS right now.
    Because, truly, she is being ignored, set aside, played with, teased and treated simply as a “friend” he sends funny emails to.
    This is PAINFUL.
    So – what is Diana doing even THINKING about this man?
    Diana is doing what we all do when a man pulls us into an Imaginary Relationship and somehow convinces us that he means it for Real.
    We look at him – a man with a high degree of difficulty – and ELEVATE his status in OUR eyes, and then at the same time we DOWNGRADE ourselves in our OWN hearts.
    So let’s reverse that.
    If a man doesn’t call, if he doesn’t step up, if he doesn’t do what he’s SUPPOSED to do – (and this man listed for Diana all the wonderful things he KNEW to do for a woman, so there was no denying he understood what he was supposed to do) – then RAISE YOUR degree of difficulty, raise YOUR status in YOUR OWN eyes, and downgrade HIM.
    When you Circular Date, you INSTANTLY raise your degree of difficulty.
    When you refuse to be “exclusive” or be a girlfriend to a man who hasn’t committed himself to you fully, you are raising your degree of difficulty.

  9.  #9Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful that I had a show of abundance this morning. I’m glad it came before the two HARD hits that came later. As I walked along the street wiping away tears, I had my sweetie beside me, or I wanted him to be. That was comforting too. Whatever energy was there it was my best loving self.

    I read an ugly disturbing message from old attachment and then got sucker punched with a big financial downfall. Well, all right, that settles it. The game is on! War! and I’m officially UNDER SIEGE.

    I’ve got doors closing and windows opening.

    There’s always something, isn’t there?


  10.  #10KS on April 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Hmmmm…not so sure I totally agree with the social network giving you a TRUE look at someone. I know a few guys who embellish their profiles to appear much more stable, attractive and exciting than they actually are!

  11.  #11KS on April 4, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Prayers and hugs to you dear.

  12.  #12Ella on April 4, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Please would someone mind sending me Rori’s latest e-mail newsletter?

    I just realised I have stopped recieving them for some reason (no idea why I did not unsubscribe!).

    I have signed up for them again but Boomer mentions the recent one about men disappearing and I would like to read that!


  13.  #13Ella on April 4, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Oh my e-mail is juliecarmen1@hotmail.com


  14.  #14Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 9:50 am

    RE 9 SLV are there some beliefs there that need to be challenged that might have been hiding below your radar of consciousness? I have heard Louise Haye suggest saying something to the effect of “that was how I used to think”. Meaning the financial downfall might have been created or attracted by how you used to think but now you know better. From what I have learnt things take a little time to change as per the law of attraction. So you might be just moving through how you felt about abundance and going back and forth on your new commitment. I feel things will settle soon. Big Hugs

  15.  #15Ella on April 4, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Oh wait – is that it in post 8?

  16.  #16Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:52 am

    @11: KS

    Thanks, You know. Just when things are going wonderful… boom! boom! 😥

    I’ll be OK.


  17.  #17Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Jonathon! So glad you wrote this here! I agree with you completely – you can really get to know someone via facebook – their views on different topics, the way they interact with other people, etc. Even ppl who are trying to present a persona – the truth is, if they are actively involved on fb their real self leaks out in various ways whether they realize it or not. 🙂 I love fb and I think it is Good for relationships of all kinds. (You know me there by another name. :)) Good to see you here again.

  18.  #18Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Ella I partially posted it in 8 above and in the other thread but the other thread is still in moderation.

  19.  #19Ella on April 4, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Hugs SLV

    Yes, there is always something. That is what I am discovering too.

    Remember it can change on a dime!


  20.  #20Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Ella this is the first part
    If you’ve ever given your heart to a man who treated you like a queen for the first few months and then all of a sudden pulled away, I know how you feel.

    I remember spending so much time and energy beating myself up over what I IMAGINED I’d done “wrong” to push him away, or what I was “lacking” that wasn’t keeping him at my side – so my self- esteem and confidence faded, making me feel more needy than ever.

    And we all know what happens when we start feeling “needy.”

    That “needy” feeling inside makes us feel helpless and powerless, and then ANYTHING we do or say (no matter how much in control of ourselves we TRY to be) just radiates that needy, desperate “vibe.”

    And then that needy, desperate vibe just pushes him away even more.

    It’s like we spiral downward, get caught in quicksand, find ourselves in an endless loop – and we can’t figure out how to pull ourselves out.

    Here’s a letter from Diana, who’s caught in that endless, mucky, quicksand downward spiral:

    “Dear Rori, I feel really confused about where I am at. I started seeing this guy I was fixed up with from a friend I play tennis with. She originally told me, he’s a lot of fun but don’t get serious because he’s never going to commit to anyone. He’s too damaged from his marriage because his wife cheated on him.

    I met him and we immediately clicked. No effort and he does everything that you want a man to do. He even says, it’s all about you. He says, men just don’t get it. If you pay attention to her, then it pays off for you. He was attentive, rowed the boat, did things for me, always complimented me and he was the first man in my life (I’m 52) that I ever felt I could trust with my heart.

    But by three months instead of going forward I could feel him backing away. He never let me meet his son who is 14 or would even contact me when he was with his son. I never met his family, friends. We talked about all of that and about the “future” but it didn’t happen. I could feel him pulling away.

    I got scared and called him when he didn’t call me (the first time he did that), and told him I felt something was wrong. He got angry and said we were two different people and that I deserved someone who would dedicate time to the relationship.

    I really felt that I was in his heart and that we would be able to talk about it. He put me off for a week and when I saw him it didn’t matter what I said. He said he “would not let his heart override his brain.” He was “not going to be a casualty again.” Said he was a brain person and I was a heart person and it just didn’t feel right and that he was making the decision to end the relationship.

    He did mention that we could be friends and I told him I could not do that. I texted him after a week and said I really wanted to talk. After three weeks I e-mailed him about my computer that he fixed and still needed more, suggested to drop it off.

    He e-mails back and says he can come over to fix it. He came over the night before Valentine’s Day. I sat quiet, leaned back and said nothing for an hour and a half and then he started talking. Telling me about everything that had happened since I had seen him.

    I told him I would like to tell him how I felt about what had happened. We sat down. He said he was confused. I talked about my feelings only, and by the time he left he was holding me, kissing me and talking about making plans to get together.

    I got a text for Valentine’s Day and then promptly never heard from him for 11 days. Then I got an e-mail with a video with a comedian about men’s brains, women’s brains. He wrote it would explain a lot and how was I doing. I waited three days and just sent an e-mail back saying thanks for the video it made me laugh. He sent one back saying he thought I would like it.

    My question is, I know this is a man who can dance. If I lean back, he comes forward. As a matter of fact while we were dating he stated to me one time I just want to please you. I know he understands relationships.

    I feel like I came across too needy and that I drove him away. I feel it was real for me and can’t get him out of my heart. But I don’t want to misread what is really in front of me. I know I can’t contact him. I feel confused if he is just keeping in touch because, like you said, he didn’t want to hurt me and wants to keep me as a friend.

    Or does this mean that he is trying to come back. I feel really hurt right now and it’s like every time I have contact with him I start all over again hurting and feeling the loss. I don’t know if I should just e-mail back and not show him or let him know what I am feeling or I should tell him that I don’t want to continue on this way because it is too hurtful for me.

    He does not make any attempts to call, text or see me. I don’t know what is the right thing or the best thing for me to do. Is this the type of situation where even though it felt real it was just imaginary and that’s all I had? The thought of severing this is scary because what I want is for him to come back – or am I just accepting crumbs and putting myself in an even more needy place?

    I feel really lost about what I really had. I also feel I do not explain myself well and am really sorry if I gave too much detail or not enough. I feel it would really help my heart if I knew what direction to go in so I can move on with my life, either way. Thanks, Diana”

    ***Here was my answer to her, and then we’ll pick it apart and put some Tools to it:

  21.  #21LD on April 4, 2011 at 10:01 am


    I have one that has been coming back around about once every 6 months for 7 years. I think it’s when he’s between girlfriends. He always says I’m “the one” for him, but whenever I’ve agreed to let him come see me in the past, he just never ends up stepping up and then the calls and texts slowly fade away again for another 6 months. I just don’t think he’s able to do a real relationship.

    He’s the one that always reminds me that it’s not me, it’s them and the funny thing is, he always seems to show up right when I’m struggling with why a different one disappeared. It’s like the Universe keeps cycling him around until I get it through my head that it’s not me and I don’t need to let my self esteem take a hit every time one “poofs”

  22.  #22Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 10:03 am

    @14: Femininewoman

    Thanks for your thoughts. No problem thinking about abundance. I’m OK there but the financial thing will take some work on my part. I know what to do to fix it and it will take a while. Just gotta do it… 😀

    Thanks also for Louise Hays mention, she came up last year… I forget how…oh, I know… Terri Hernon MacDonad is a big fan.

    I had taken Hays book out of library but had so many had to return; somone had on hold. I might like to read so will put back on hold when my reserve list no longer at limit.

    But you know… I had a place for that money…but I won’t die, I’ll be all right. I’m done with the jerk behaviour but hated to read that message. And I have other good stuff unexpected stuff that came to me today… some in, some out…


  23.  #23Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 10:08 am

    RE 22 SLV I am happy about that last part ……and it only gets better….

  24.  #24Ella on April 4, 2011 at 10:09 am


    I am feeling annoyed.

    There is a guy from FB who I had one date with.

    On the date he repeatedly tried to make me buy a round of drinks for us.

    I didn’t so we sat there with no drinks.

    He wanted me to go back to his house. I said no.

    I said I felt hungry and wanted to eat, I said he was welcome to join. He said no!

    Then he put me in a taxi but didn’t pay.

    He is always on FB which makes me wonder if he actually ever works (apparently he has a job).

    Then he calls me ‘stush’ because I expect a guy to come to me on dates and pay etc…

    Then he calls me the next day… we talk. He asks if I am free that night. I say I am booked.

    He ends conversation.

    Then I get a text saying I was being ‘off’ on the phone.

    He knew I was driving yet when I didn’t reply immediately he sent another text with a ‘?’.

    he has done this a few times, sent a text and if I haven’t replied immediately sent another text with a question mark.


    Then he IMs me on FB, asks how I am. I say I am feeling tired and he says ‘ok I will leave you be then’.

    Don’t know, maybe it is my stuff but this dude is really rubbing me up the wrong way.


  25.  #25Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

    LD I think it is time to get it through your head that you are really all that. Set your intention that he will feel so good when he comes back that he will drop to his knees shaking not knowing what hit him.

  26.  #26Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 10:12 am

    RE 24 He sounds impatient. Do you know how you feel with impatient people??? Pressured?? Or is it that you might need to heal your impatience with yourself??

  27.  #27Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Hi Ladies, I prefer meeting men organically.

    I had an ex contact me a few years ago trying to re-ignite something after my sister went on holiday to the US and stayed with him for a few days and she said there were photos of me all over the place and his girlfirend said I was very special to him. I was in a new relationship when he contacted me but I loved him so much at the time we were together but he went back to the US with ‘no plans’ for us so I finished it. That was 11 years ago. Don’t know if he ever got married and when I was with him he didn’t have a lot of money but then became a millionaire and retired at aged 40! I often wonder if we met again what it’d be like. Should I send him an email to say ‘hi’?

    I have another ex who still calls me and infact did so this week as his girlfirend is away for a few days. He tells me he doesn’t love her and he thinks about me every day even although I’ve set him straight 1000 times there will never be an ‘us’ again. I met him online and he really wasn’t exactly who he made out to be…… that relationship was a big mistake and put me off online dating big time.

    Out of interest, for those who are doing online, how long do you ‘chat’ with men before they actually call you and then ask you out? Is it days, weeks, months?

    Time for me to go and get in the pool to do some swim drills. Catch up later Sirens. xx

  28.  #28Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Ella: can you drop all contact with him, he doesn’t sound like a very nice person? He’s not the kind of man you need around in your life.

  29.  #29Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 10:21 am

    FW – 8 – interesting post! So some ppl value “degree of difficulty” and some value “how I feel”…. and we want a person who values the same thing. I am definitely in the “how I feel” camp and therefore apparently want a man who is in that camp too – which is probably why I have never needed to CD in order to keep a man’s attention – I just don’t feel drawn to the type that value “degree of difficulty” in that sense bc I don’t value it either. Interesting!

  30.  #30Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

    SLV, so sorry to hear about your setbacks. 🙁 Hugs to you dear. <3

  31.  #31Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

    SLV: sending positive vibes and hugs your way and some coffee and ice-cream to help a little. xx

  32.  #32Brenda on April 4, 2011 at 10:29 am


    RE: #5 – The guy in the picture is Jonathon Aslay, and he will be reading your comment! LOL! He’s in a relationship, BTW. 😉

  33.  #33Ella on April 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Fw thanks for posting the e-mail.

  34.  #34turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Brenda @#32…lol, great. I was just trying to give you girls a visual of the kind of man I’d like to see show up in my life. 🙂 Not expecting that particular one.

  35.  #35turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

    SLV, I’m sorry to hear you are stressed, I’m working through a financial thing right now too.. I understand. 🙁 It will work out though, I have faith for both of us!

  36.  #36Ella on April 4, 2011 at 10:48 am

    FW re 26

    Hmmm, I’m not sure.

    A mirror maybe?

    I don’t feel good with impatient people. I feel pressured, annoyed and turned off.

    I expressed that to him today on FB IM and he said ‘I am sorry you feel that way!’.

    I am impatient.

    With situations, men and in particular with myself.

    I wonder how I can heal this?

    I have begun.

    For example I have lots of work goals right now but today I am feeling so tired that I have decided to take the rest of the evening off, have some me time and pick up tomorrow when I am refreshed.


  37.  #37Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Jonathon~ Send some men my way.

    SLV~ Big Hugs. I felt so sad watching you walk down the street wiping your tears. But, Sweetie was with you, I saw him next to you.

    FW~ Whew, I am sooooo happy to hear your dad is feeling better. I’ve been thinking about you.

    I am all that,


  38.  #38Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Ella, I had a fb friend/one-date guy like that. And I felt like you do – turned off and annoyed. One time he said “I’m trying to not contact you as much now bc that’s supposed to make you like me more, right?” Lol. Poor guy. I felt sorry for him but dude, I’m just not into you man! It took awhile but he eventually saw the writing on the wall (haha, figuratively but literally too – as in fb wall hehe – I’m sure he saw me flirting w other guys there and not w him so that probably helped him see the light.)

  39.  #39Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Hmmm, I intend to feel good.

    And value that more than a degree of difficulty.

    I can feel a shift happening within me. And it feels like it is just slightly out of reach, like I am almost there but still being pulled back by the chains which are my learned bad habits.

    It feels good to think that I could just simply choose situations and men that make me feel good. Over ones that are a high degree of difficulty.

    And I am open to that.

  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:06 am

    @19: Ella says:
    “…Hugs SLV…”

    Hugs back at you too… 😀

    If that guy is really annoying and giving you nothing that you want, stop taking his calls or the next time tell him something on order of “I don’t like to be called names such as ‘stush.’ I have a gut feeling that we aren’t a good match and shouldn’t go out anymore.” Or say whatever is your feeling and wish.


  41.  #41Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:14 am

    @Lucy, Turquoise, Ladybird

    Thanks for the well wishes. I feel so good coming here and getting so many positive vibes. I know life doesn’t go perfectly and I usually grab all the pleasure right down to the last drop but sometimes a kick comes as a big surprise. I guess we all get that. I got two right within minutes. ugh!

    And I did have some coffee and ice cream. I had “Cherry Garcia” which had been in the freezer. I pulled it out… Yum! hahaha Good ole “Cherry/Jerry” was very comforting. Way better than cucumbers and cottage cheese.


  42.  #42Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Lucy re 38,

    Your guys just sounds kinda a bit clueless, but mine feels quite pushy to me…

    He ‘liked’ one of my pics once on FB and I said thanks for the like. He said ‘well, why haven’t you liked any of mine’.

    Can’t remember what I said, some kind of FM about that feeling weird.

    And then he said ‘well, now you’ve looked, do you like what you see?’

    He is very good looking guy but I just feel totally off put, like ‘ick’.

    Feels like he is all about him, and he feels needy but puts on a front.

    It felt awful to be called ‘stush’

    And it feels as though if I scratch the surface there would be nothing much underneath!

    Eeek! I feel mean and judgmental saying that.

  43.  #43Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Send some men my way please


    Yummy practice ones.

    Thank you.

    Also send me some energy please.

    And some extra self esteem.

    I need to top up.

    And fill up. With love and feeling good with myself.

    For me! xoxox

  44.  #44Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 11:21 am

    My problem with meeting a soul mate on fb is that most of the guys I connect with on there are already married. My guy friends who are married tend to have friends who are also married. Sharing a faith that strongly discourages divorce doesn’t help I’m sure! Oh the irony!

  45.  #45Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:22 am


    Yes I will probably lock him off soon if he approaches again.

    I am trying to give men a chance and stay open for CD-ing purposes.

    But I feel tired right now.

    Think I might just pull right back and focus all my energy on me!

  46.  #46Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

    “The chance to observe and per chance gingerly interact with a man you are interested via the Internet gives both men and women a huge advantage to those old fashioned blind dates. The setting, while still virtual, lends itself to much more authenticity and transparency than a static profile, and who wouldn’t want that advantage?”

    The problem with this concept though is that anyone can be anyone else on the internet. There are women here (on this very blog where we preach and teach “authenticity” all the time) who have confessed to not really caring if a guy blocks them from facebook because they have a “fake” facebook so they can still spy on him. There are people who set up fake online dating profile accounts or facebook to “test” the person they are dating/married to. People can post pictures from 20 years ago or of someone else entirely anytime they want. The entire thing can be faked…and it’s not rare…LOTS of people are doing it (as I said, ever here on this blog women have admitted to it)…mostly because they don’t want their friends and family to know they are using facebook to try to find dates…so those friends and family aren’t quite real.

    I dated a man who had two myspace profiles. A friends and family one and a booty one. I was on the booty one. His cousin told me about the other one. We didn’t last. LOL

    I don’t see anything wrong with online dating at all but I don’t think it totally replaces meeting in person and seeing someone as they are now…without judgements about them based on their interactions on facebook. I mean really…you don’t know anyone who lists pretty much anyone who will accept them as a friend…whether they know them or not? Or people who steal tweets and use them as a facebook status so people will think they’re clever and funny? Personally, I would much rather see how a guy acts with his friends in person (because I actually saw him with his friends at a ball game or a bar or a restaurant, etc and was intrigued enough to talk to him) than to see how he acts with his friends because I read a “creative” line he used as his facebook status. 🙂

    I think you’re awesome Jonathan and I love your advice for the most part, but I write online profiles for men and women who are dating and well…they aren’t always who they want to pretend to be. 🙂

    And this is all stuff you still have to find out when you actually meet him and he stops being on his best behavior anyway: “The number of dates you could go through this way only to discover he is: in the middle of a divorce, conservative if you are liberal, very scientific, rigid and calculated when you are creative and spontaneous, a drinker, a smoker, uncomfortably differently religious than you are, someone who wants kids, someone who has six kids already, a book worm, a couch potato, a player, the list goes on…as you become dizzied and discouraged.”

    Super, super cool to see you out here again though even though I’m not quite convinced on the whole “virtual is better than blind” concept. Missed your voice! Hope all is really, really well in your life!

    Much Love,

  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

    @37: Lilybelle

    Thanks, I cry easily sometimes. I was trying not to have tears run down cheeks as I walked into supermarket… where i got another “ring.” Somehow the machine wasn’t working, sucked up my quarters… maybe bad things happen in threes… 😥

    Manager put in two more quarters for me so I did get the ring. I got one last night too, so now have three altogether. Next time I’ll get manager to do it for me or go somewhere else. I don’t want to lose quarters… puts a bad vibe on it.

    Did you take the apartment? If you feel good inside it, go for it. It’s Ok if you feel a little afraid. Being a little afraid is often excitement at starting a new adventure… as long as you don’t feel heavy dread or doom.. it’s fine..


  48.  #48Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Ella, oh he was waaay pushy. “Needy but puts on a front” is a good description – and the “front” is completely see-through. Before it was all said and done, he was sobbing a couple times – and telling me so via fb chat – and that I was killing him etc. What does “stush” mean?

  49.  #49Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:40 am


    I think “stush” is conceited self absorbed bitch etc


  50.  #50Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

    It is street talk, apparently it means kinda stuck up… has an attitude etc…

  51.  #51Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:41 am

    SLV re 49

    Lol… I chuckled out loud…

    what a perfect description of me! 😉

  52.  #52Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 11:43 am

    Ella and SLV in the culture I grew up in it also meant sophisticated in addition to what Ella says. There was also the innocuous hard to get that was attached to it. I was always described like that particularly by guys in my neighborhood who wanted to date me but I never gave them the time of day.

  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

    @51: Ella says:
    “…SLV re 49
    Lol… I chuckled out loud…
    what a perfect description of me! …”

    Well, then go on with your bad self…

    But still don’t let some dude call you names… I’ll accept “princess.” hahaha


  54.  #54Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Mercedes, I find it pretty easy to know when it’s the real deal on fb. It reminds me of how psychological assessments have built-in questions that measure the validity of the test-taker’s self-reporting. It shows, whether they want it to or not. A profile on a dating site is far easier to fake bc as Jonathon said they are basically static.

  55.  #55Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Fw re 52…

    Owww, that is good! It means my status is going up… ie I am no longer chasing after men like a soppy puppy!

    Yay. 🙂

  56.  #56Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Thanks lillybelle, your prayers were felt.

  57.  #57Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 11:50 am

    @55: Ella says:
    “…Fw re 52…
    Owww, that is good! It means my status is going up… ”

    Uh, OK. If that’s what you like to be called…


  58.  #58Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Ladybird I think I would contact him if he was special to me. Esepcially seeing my sister recently saw him. I have had something similar with an ex who used to tell me he would only marry when he was 50. He got kidney cancer before then and did some stupid things even after I helped him through the tough times. I just disappeared, as in poof, with no further contact. I was shocked when my mother ran into him at a party a few years ago and he told her I was the one who got away because he was planning to marry me. I really have to revisit some of my experiences with these exes. I was so turned off by what he said that I was not interested in hearing from him again.

  59.  #59Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 11:53 am

    RE 55 I believe so Ella.

  60.  #60Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 11:54 am


    ME too. I’m okay with it now and I don’t hear my mother anymore.. 🙂

    I haven’t decided about the apartment. I’m waiting to find out what the measurements of the bedroom are. It’s smaller than my current one and I have a large antique bed. I’m afraid that would be the only thing that would fit in the bedroom and then I would be in trouble.

    Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll let you know. On a plus side, I started gowing through drawers this morning and have started the donate pile. This is good. This is really good.

  61.  #61Femininewoman on April 4, 2011 at 11:54 am

    RE 53 I would say “I take it that your stush means princess and so I thank you for the compliment”.

  62.  #62Ella on April 4, 2011 at 11:59 am

    SLV re 57

    No, and still it is better for me than feeling powerless and desperate.

    Don’t worry I did not let it go. I told him I did not feel comfortable being called that.


  63.  #63Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Lucy: I wish I was willing to share because I’m curious if you could tell which of my facebook accounts is real and which one is fake. My fake one isn’t out there to hurt anyone, nor am I dating from it (or spying on anyone, etc) but it also doesn’t include a lot of the people I know in “real” life (mostly internet friends who don’t even know my real name or anything about my family, etc). These internet friends and I relate in a very real way (similar to how I relate to the internet friends on this blog and my own) but…it still isn’t the real me…and since they’ve never met me, I’m curious how they could know that. I don’t share on facebook the way I share on this blog even so I doubt they even have as much insight as you do being here…and even here, my entire being and whether or not I”m a couch potato or lazy or a drinker or want kids…none of that has been revealed. But I’m not sure anyone has noticed that I don’t reveal those things and that very few of you actually know the real me outside of who I am when I’m talking about relationships. I’m not even sure anyone would care let alone pay attention enough to see that I am a fake on a fb account. But maybe I’m wrong about that…not sure at all.

    I’ve never had anyone accuse me of having a fake fb account…and none of the people I friend on there seem to think it’s anyone other than the real me…but maybe some of them can tell??? Not sure but as I said, I wish I was willing to share because I’m curious.

    (Part of me feels the need to protect certain people in my life though so I can’t reveal the real one to anyone but it would be cool to see if someone who had never met me could tell the difference.)

    Anyway…thanks for the post…it got me thinking about my own online stuff and wondering if others can tell when I’m faking it. Something to think about I guess. 🙂 Makes me almost hope one of them calls me out on it publically. LOL

    Much Love,

  64.  #64Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    🙁 Just found out I have to take my daughter (college-age) to the big-city hospital tomorrow and probably admit her. 🙁 Her lung disease is progressing and I feel sad and scared. When she was born her life expectancy was 25, but with treatment advances since then the disease avg life expectancy has risen to about 38. Better, but still not good. And that’s just an average. A friend of hers died of it last year at 24. 🙁 Prayers and magic welcome.

  65.  #65tinque on April 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Lucy – Big hugs and love. xxoo

  66.  #66tinque on April 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Hugs and love to you as well SLV. xxoo

  67.  #67Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Hehe Mercedes, yes, I am curious too! I’m not sure I understand the set-up you have – why do you have a “fake” account? And – what makes it “fake”?

  68.  #68Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    @61: Femininewoman says:
    “…RE 53 I would say “I take it that your stush means princess and so I thank you for the compliment…”

    Sure. Stush is not a word that I use. I’d only seen it used in an article with connotation that I mentioned. It was a word not in my vocabulary and curious to me. Perhaps my understanding of it was unnecessarily negative. I’m intrigued so just looked it up online. I found this too:

    “The West Indian definition states Stush as being excessively, prim and proper. Go figure!:

    Are either of you from the West Indies?


  69.  #69Simply Shannon on April 4, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Lucy, Praying right now. (((HUGS)))

  70.  #70Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    64: Lucy,

    Sending up prayers now.


  71.  #71Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Thank you Tinque Shannon Lilybelle. I put my thoughts and feelings about it in their compartment so I can function. 🙁

  72.  #72Simply Shannon on April 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    I think it’s true that people can fake who they are but I’ve seen that take place both in FB and in real life. There’s been difference in my experience. And even someone’s “fake” profile is likely true too, just not the whole truth.

    Any online site, including FB, is just another avenue to meet someone. It wouldn’t replace face to face for me.

  73.  #73turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    OH Lucy… my prayers to you and your family. I wish I had some magic for you!

  74.  #74Ella on April 4, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Lucy re 64

    Big hugs and parayers for you and your daughter.

    Sometimes unexpected miracles can happen.


  75.  #75Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    @64: Lucy

    OK. I will do the thing I do…


  76.  #76Ella on April 4, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I mean prayers!

  77.  #77Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    FW: 7

    ““I feel good nanananan like sugar and spice nananana. I feel nice nananana like sugar and spice, so nice, so nice …..” Don’t know where it popped out from but my kids started singing with me. ”

    Oh, how awesome for you! I’m so glad that their attentions became a positive self-realization for you!

    It is cool how good it feels, even after 20+ years, to know that YOU WERE NOT CRAZY!!!! LOL. They had the issues. Carry that confidence into your interactions with NOW men, and you will have your pick, FW!!!

  78.  #78Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    13 – Ella – I sent it to you 🙂

  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    @63: Mercedes says:
    “…These internet friends and I relate in a very real way (similar to how I relate to the internet friends on this blog and my own) but…it still isn’t the real me…and since they’ve never met me, I’m curious how they could know that.
    …I’ve never had anyone accuse me of having a fake fb account…and none of the people I friend on there seem to think it’s anyone other than the real me…but maybe some of them can tell???..”

    Do you use a name that isn’t yours or photos that aren’t you? I feel nervous when I read this.

    I don’t use FB and I’m not knowledgeable about it… but fake FB accounts and people not knowing the real you??? Is this why, I believe, duplicate and fake accounts are against the FB Terms of Service?

    In the last few days, due to some very personal online messages elsewhere, I’ve been giving this some consideration: online identities. I’ve been online over a decade and I have many user names, some are “handles” some are variations of my name. I have a long five part name so that is easy.

    However, no matter which username I’ve never written anything about myself that isn’t true, I’ve never created an alternate persona.

    When I read your post I have the sense maybe I should stop talking about myself so much. I’ve posted things even on this blog that nobody else knows about me, meaning not friends, family members nor even my ex-husband. I’m feeling a little queasy right now.

    I have recently encountered some people who have fake identities online particular in the online dating world. This is all new to me. In this world of people meeting people online I am unseasoned and naive although I’ve navigated pretty well up to now outside of it.

    I have a thought today that I want to step outside the Internet and remove myself from it at least in the way that I have up to now presented myself…which is just as… me.

    I am pondering this and whatever to do about it, how to manage it…


  80.  #80Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Ella, 24:

    This guy is passive-aggressive. Seems dangerous to me. I would not tell you what to do, but if it were me, I’d chalk this up to “he’s clearly telling you what you need to know about him” and kick him off the horse.

  81.  #81Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    @66: tinque

    Thanks. I’m a little at odds today, I had some disappointments. Also, I’m disturbed by some events that I were trigged when I read Mercedes post. About what’s going on with me, not Mercedes. I’ve got some thinking to do. I think this is why some people disappear from the blog. Maybe.


  82.  #82Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    🙂 A smiley moment – my sweet niece is a natural siren – her fb status today (her bday) says “Feels great to be 17!” Sounds like a RR feeling message. 🙂

  83.  #83turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Jilly…. where are you? How’s Hotpilotman?

  84.  #84Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:10 pm


    “Out of interest, for those who are doing online, how long do you ‘chat’ with men before they actually call you and then ask you out? Is it days, weeks, months?”

    Here’s my preferred routine, although of course, I have to allow the situation to unfold as it feels comfortable…but here’s what feels best to me early on:

    1) He emails me…says something of substance and relevant to my profile.
    2) I reply with a thank you and a similar relevant something from his profile.
    3) I like at least three rounds of back and forth emails; if he does not ask for my number and I kinda dig him, I suggest it in feeling messages (It would feel good to me to talk “‘in human’ with you now. I like the clearer communication. What do you think?” (Often by this point though, they have provided their number, in which case, I make the “I feel more comfortable when the boy calls me. I really like being the girl! What do you think?” And I offer my number.)
    4) He calls. We talk. I keep it to 20 minutes.
    5) I prefer a longer call after that before I agree to meet, but if the vibe is good, I’ll agree in that first phone call.

    If it takes more than a week to ten days from initial email to meeting, I find I lose interest because other jockeys wanna get on my lovely horse! Soemtimes we just have schedule issues because of kids and travel, but if a man cancels on me once, he only has a 30/70 chance of meeting me no matter his reason. If he was ill or something really important came up (and I believe him), I am very open to talking again, but the cycle kinda has to start over at the phone call wooing. I won’t just agree to meet after he cancels without some effort from him.

    So, whattya think? I did not realize I had such “a system” until you asked, but evidently, I do. As I said, I am flexible, as each man brings a different dish to the party. (I almost think I’d do anything/go anywhere/agree to anything BuffAndHairy asked me to do! LOL. But because I am aware of this, I am extra siren-y with him. And it’s working!!!)

  85.  #85Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Lucy: First of all, prayers for you and your daughter.

    Re fake fb: I have a fake one for a certain avenue of the business I’m in. What makes it fake is that I don’t use my real name, my age is way off, it’s not my picture and nobody who is a “friend” has ever met me in person. They get to hear lots of “my opinions” – which most of the time aren’t even mine, it’s a matter of trying to start conversations. To me though (and I’m a touch biased) it seems real (at least it’s supposed to). And other than the above tidbits, it probably is. 🙂

    It’s like having a “pen name” as a writer. Not a single fan of the pen name writer has any idea who they really are. And the “real” them is not exposed at all. Think of Stephen King. He wrote as Richard Bachman to see if people would like him if he tried a different way of writing. They didn’t. He sold almost nothing. Nobody could tell it was him even though he was writing the books and was probably not writing too much different that King in his other novels. It wasn’t until King fessed up that Richard Bachman became a best selling author. And even Mr. King doesn’t like him all that much. LOL

    Soooo easy to fake being someone we’re not. Facebook, myspace, online dating profile, twitter…doesn’t matter. If I’m an overweight, balding middle aged white man, I can easily, easily pretend to be a 22 year old stick thin blonde super model…and most people will believe me… 🙂

    Much Love,

    PS: How many of you ladies out here on RR’s blog are really men trying to tap into our secrets? I want to know!

  86.  #86Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Ella, what’s a t felt awful to be called ‘stush?’ Have ever heard that. It sounds insulting and meant to put you in your place. make you feel bad about knowing your mind.

  87.  #87Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Ella, sorry. My typing went all wonky.

    What is “stush?” Yuck sounding.

  88.  #88Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    SLV, it breaks my heart to think of you crying!!!! Know that a fellow Porkopolis native sends hugs!

  89.  #89aradea on April 4, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Hm, interesting post here… I actually have had a large number of high school classmates who have contacted me via FB and want to date, though I live 1000+ mi from my old hometown, and they mostly live there now… Which feels amusing to me, as they all can tell I don’t fit into that small rural town mode, never did, don’t expect to ever go back to live…
    But one reunion with a past HS fella resulted in us getting together for some great fun, travel, and real friendship, possibly some romance… (travel guy)

  90.  #90Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    72 Shannon I agree. SLV, sorry you are feeling bad. 🙁 Ella and Camile and SLV, thank you. <3

  91.  #91Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    SLV: I get what you’re saying and I agree…it can be scary. My personal one is for business (and yes, it is a totally different persona) and I personally believe it happens all the time. I don’t walk around scared or upset about it, but at the same time, nobody on any blog (including my own) knows my last name, where I work, what I do for a living or my address or phone number. I believe in being careful. Sorta like you I guess. I’m sure your name isn’t SLV in real life and I clearly have no idea what you look like. You’re being careful. I like that.

    For me, when thinking about dating, I just felt much more comfortable when I met the guy in person and could get a “feel” for him first rather than “meeting” him online and finding out he was totally NOT what he was pretending to be.

    PS: My picture on this blog is the real me.

    Much Love,

  92.  #92turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Ladybird…. if the emails don’t progress to him asking for my number in a few days, I tend to get bored, and distracted by other guys emailing me. It can be hard to keep a conversation going. I recently contacted a guy I’d chatted with before, and it had died out… he immediately asked for my real email address, said he was getting off the site. I gave it to him, and we emailed in that format for a few days, and it died out again.

    Most of the men I’ve met, have led, asked for my number or offered me theirs within a few days. I regret having such long conversations with Larry before meeting him, as I know he’s not my type. This has happened to me before. I’ve managed to convince myself that this person I’ve never met, but had such great conversations with, could be a really good match for me, then meet them and am very disappointed. For me, it clicks or it doesn’t. I do think attraction grows over time, but there still needs to be a click for me.

    A lot of people do lie online, it’s something ou have to sift through, but I find most people trip themselves up over their stories, and it becomes obvious they are being untruthful. I have a friend who ended up in a serious relationship that lasted months with a man who lied outrageously about himself. (she met him online) turned out, yes he was divorced from the first wife, but was still married to the 4th! Crazy. The thing is though, she could have met him at the grocery store, and he could have still fed her that crap. If she’d met him on Facebook, on a real account, then no… she would have known more about his real life.

    I think the idea this article is expressing, is based on the presumption of honesty in someones facebook profile. That they would have current and correct information, pictures, friends, etc. That would give you a more rounded view of a person than just their dating website profile.

    I don’t have any fake profiles, but I don’t share my facebook with men I’m newly dating because my whole life is on there. I have tons and tons of pictures of my kids, my friends, even me as a child. There is way too much information available for me to feel comfortable sharing that right away. I feel like I’d be saying, here is the open book of my life, jump in and take a look.

  93.  #93Ella on April 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Boomer – thank you!

    And see conversation above about the meaning of ‘stush’ – posts 49 onwards…


  94.  #94turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Oh, and an interesting website to check out when you meet a guy online….

    That guy that lied to my friend about still being married to his fourth wife, was on there. Several women posted about his lies, multiple identities, that he was a conman…. was C R A Z Y!

  95.  #95Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:35 pm


    “I feel like I’d be saying, here is the open book of my life, jump in and take a look.”


    Also, I keep my page private to anyone but Friends, and I have only 40 of those–actual friends, family, and a select few people from my past I wished to hear from again. No one else can see anything but my main picture and where I live. No one could ever really scope me out to see if I am dating material anyway.

    I don’t see FB as an option for me.

  96.  #96Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Mercedes, I totally get that for biz – pen name type identity. Do you ever argue with yourself? Maybe your biz id is Katarina Phang! Lol! (Love you Katarina!) Or even Jonathon (in which case you have gone to great lengths connecting with some of us on match.com as well!) Ooh, or maybe Erika is your biz id! I wonder if I have you as a fb friend. Probably. I should try to id you on there. 🙂 Just yesterday I was thinking again about the book I wish I could write with a pen name – but I’m sure my kids would fi

  97.  #97tinque on April 4, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    “My picture on this blog is the real me. ”

    Yes it really is her. I will vouch for the verity of this statement.


  98.  #98Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    figure out it’s me and be mortified. They would see it on the new bestsellers table at B&N, be drawn to it like everyone else (and they’d be hearing about it everywhere), start reading … and KNOW. Too bad.

  99.  #99Daria on April 4, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    I have two face Ooks – the real me is family and business contacts.

    The other one of me which is a nickname page I’d friends and interests.

    The real me hasn’t had a visit from me in awhile lol

  100.  #100Ella on April 4, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Feeling so tired at the moment and don’t really think I am making much progress with anything.

    Just feeling overtired I guess and demotivated.

    It will pass.

  101.  #101Daria on April 4, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Lucy – so what?

    I feel scared of my parents learning done stuff about my life outside home…

    I don’t want to be scared of my kids.

    Practicing Babysteps

  102.  #102Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    My worst online experience is still a mystery to me. He must have given me a fake name. I know he did not work where he said he worked (a dear friend worked there and said there was no “VP of East Coast Operations” let alone with that name.) I know he did not go to the college he claimed he attended (not under that name). But he was CUTE. And SMART. And he made me laugh until I peed myself.

    That experience still haunts me. (Well, the peeing part in addition to the faux romance!)

    Anyone familiar with that movie from the late ’80s called “Thief of Hearts?” Where the burglar breaks into a woman’s apartment, reads her diary, and then arranges to meet her out…and then attempts to be every one of her private fantasies???

    That is what it felt this guy did to me–he knew me so well. He knew my brain and my heart and my sense of humor. It was like he “profiled” me and knew exactly how to win me and how to touch my every hot spot and how to touch me literally! And he poofed. Big time. There were occasional instant messages for about two years, “I think about you constantly.” “I am a bad man…you are better off without me.” Creepy! But they stopped about a year ago.

    I realize now he is likely a pathological personalty and probably very dangerous.

    BUT…I did not let this horrible experience stop me. Now I check all guys out much more thoroughly. I Google them. I check their business web sites. I meet no one without getting a last name that I can confirm. I give them mine. But I do use my Google Voice account for ALL men, like I’ve mentioned, until I am comfortable giving them my real number. When they tell me certain stuff about themselves, I usually already know it.

    I called this man Mr. Wonderful because he was too good to be true. Thoughts of him still creep in sometimes–he was brilliant and he made me laugh. He “got me.” It was hard to let go, but wow…he was a psycho, so…good riddance! And I learned A LOT. Thank you, Mr. Wonderful Psycho!!!

  103.  #103Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Mercedes, on your biz page, are you presenting yourself as a biz person (like Katarina) or are you pretending it’s not biz and that you’re something else completely like a truck driver or doctor or gym teacher?

  104.  #104LD on April 4, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Lucy and SLV,

    My thoughts and prayers are with both of you….

  105.  #105Daria on April 4, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Lucy prayers for daughter.

  106.  #106Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    SLV @41: I feel happy to hear you feel a bit better n Cherry/Jerry showed up to help out!

    Ella @ 45: If a guy isn’t making you feel good about yourself or him, is he worth having around? He should be raising your self esteem!!

    FW @ 58: thanks, I think I’ll drop him an email and say ‘hi’. Hope your father’s continuing to make good progress.

    Lilybelle @ 60: I hope all goes well with the new apt and your big bed fits in ok!

  107.  #107Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Lucy @ 64: oh Lucy, positive healing vibes sent for your daughter and big hugs! I’m sure the hospital Dr’s and nurses will work their magic. xx

  108.  #108Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Boomer @ 84: look at you and your little system that works!! You go girl!! It’s good to hear how this works in practice, so thanks for sharing.

  109.  #109Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Yeah, one thing that leads credence to a fb page is when it’s clear that other ppl commenting on their page know them in real life. If you don’t see that, it’s a clue. I notice things like that unconsciously and intuitively. I don’t really think about it, just feel it.

  110.  #110Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Mercedes @ 85: Thanks for sharing your posts on this! ooh, you just made me think of something…… years ago I dated a guy and he left the laptop on and open and went out to the pub. I went to use the laptop and discovered he was pretending to be someone else, living in California and chatting to a bunch of women telling them a bunch of lies! When I confronted him he said it was just a fantasy to be someone else, living somewhere else and no harm in it. I don’t think the women he was chatting to would have seen it like that! I also know of some married women who discovered their husbands having ‘online’ affairs with women too. I’m sure there are lots of decent guys online looking for a good honest relationship too but women have to be wise and protect themselves from the online fraudsters. I think the key is meeting them asap after the initial contact to check if they are the ‘real deal’ and match their own description?

  111.  #111turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Hmmm… that website got sued, they changed it… now it’s articles and advice, blog, etc. but there is a facebook page and people post info. warnings…. the way it was set up before though, you could search by name and zipcode. This new way would be really hard to find someone.

  112.  #112Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Daria – “So what?” So I love my kids, that’s what. 🙂 If I didn’t, sure, I’d publish it in a heartbeat and be rich and famous.

  113.  #113Ella on April 4, 2011 at 1:58 pm


    Yes I hear you.

    For now all guys are practice.

    I won’t let this one pull down my self esteem – no way. But it is useful for me to practice asserting myself.

    If he is not good for me he will soon flow back out… I feel no attachement to him.


  114.  #114turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Boomer, I have a lot of friends on FB, but they are all people I actually know either from HS or college, where I live now, etc. But, its private too… only my profile pic is viewable to anyone but friends.

  115.  #115Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I don’t care where I meet a man as long as I meet him lol. But usually I feel better when he is the one to make a move, rather than being set up without him having previous interest.

    I also move men immediately from online to phone to meeting… The whole idea is to actually meet and see how I feel.

    I notice the ones I talk longest too take the longest to meet…

    So though it took me years of Babysteps… Because phone talking was soothing my loneliness…
    I now keep it to 10 minutes or 20 then let them know I’m interested in meeting men and don’t want phone connection.

    It’s funny but they either can’t/won’t or will.

    I even tell them not to call me until they have a plan to meet !


    I feel so good that my life is starting to feel so fun that I dong have energy to give just to the phone…


  116.  #116Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Lucy: No…I’m a writer on that one. And I do write for part of my job. I’m actually a project manager but it includes a TON of white paper writings. This fb account is mostly related to that same type of writing and it is a legit biz and it is controlled by my company…only it is NOT me. Not sure that makes sense. but in any case, the fake me has never met the real me online…that way they don’t argue. 🙂

    But no…it’s not any relationship coach you’ve named (or any relationship coach at all) because I’m not a relationship coach. I dabbled in it once and made just a touch of money but I don’t want to dedicate the time to it that it would take to actually make a business out of it.

    So….you missed the mark with the names you put out there (although I’m guessing you knew that) and unless you’re into geek writings in a technical field and unless you subscribe to those blog sites online, I doubt you’re friends with the fake me on facebook (those friends comment on the same blogs I do). You’re probably not friends with the real me on fb either. I’ve met all except one person on my real facebook account (and I’ve talked to him lots of times on the phone)…and I don’t think you and I have met. At least that’s my gut instinct.

    As I said, I have people in my life I feel the need to protect and they don’t even need the potential of something going wrong because I opened my mouth on a blog and now some psycho knows who they are. Nope…I’m pretty private with my real life but very open with my real story. 🙂

    Much Love,

  117.  #117Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Turquoise @ 92: thanks for sharing too, and your right, anyone can lie but I suppose it’s easier for those hiding behind a laptop.

  118.  #118Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I LIKE having my life as an open book on facebook for people to jump in and look around. It’s part of my contribution to the world. 🙂

  119.  #119Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Lucy – so if you published it you wouldn’t love your kids? Lol.

    I don’t want to create these limiting beliefs for myself and I feel scared I will because I sm having them now with parents 🙁


  120.  #120Laughing Goddess on April 4, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    I feel so energized and happy!
    Abundant sunshine
    I felt amazing waking up this morning and dancing around the house to music.
    I feel reborn!

  121.  #121Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 2:05 pm


    “I’m actually a project manager but it includes a TON of white paper writings.”

    Me too! How cool is that?

  122.  #122Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Boomer: Awesome! I think there is at least one other PM here. SS maybe? Can’t remember for sure but I think so.

    Much Love,

  123.  #123Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I have updated my chart. I now have 17 men in various stages of “wooery.” Heehee. More if you count guy friends and old CDs who are sniffing around. My vibe must be very pheromone-y right now.

    The boat is indeed getting full. And no one has had to be walked off the plank in the last few days. ALL are stepping up in some way.

    OK, Alpha may need to go. I may just kindly drop him off on a desert island with some provisions and shove off, and not necessarily prod him into shark-infested waters. Still not sure.

    It is a kick and kinda fun, but overwhelming. I am not used to this. I just want ONE. Or do I?

    Oh well. I’m gonna ride it out. I’m exhausted!

  124.  #124Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    I’m Gina take a walk to the park where men play basketball and start studying LSAT books

  125.  #125Izzy on April 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I got in touch with my boyfriend a month after our break up. He contacted me on messenger. Our conversation went like this:

    Me:I feel strange getting in touch with you again.
    Him: I hope you don’t feel strange, because I have the intention of keeping in touch.
    Me: I felt bad about seeing the picture of you and your new girlfriend on facebook. I felt disappointed.
    Him: Why?
    Me: I felt I didn’t have to see it. It felt horrible. But I’m feeling a lot better now.
    Him: What I posted was no big deal. By the way, you’re not my friend on facebook anymore, I don’t know why.
    Me: I felt bad. I felt the need to protect my feelings.
    Him: I know that my case is different, but you keep people at a distance for fear of hurting yourself and you hurt yourself anyway. I worry about you.
    Me: I don’t want to hurt myself. I feel happy that you worry about me.
    Him: People do what they do out of inexperience. Have you thought about that? They don’t mean any harm. I feel upset too.
    Me: Do you feel upset?
    Him: Yes, I thought we were going to work things out. You should live your life more fully with no restrains. You don’t enjoy the good side of friendship when you try to protect yourself.
    Me: I feel judged.
    Him: Just listen to my advice. People do things out of inexperience. I want you to be happy. I have to go now.

    I know I have my issues, but I’m not being able to work on them right now because I am 100% focused on my professional life. I don’t have the energy to work on my emotions and my profession at the same time. I want to be financially independent and I have invested a lot and it is consuming all my energy. He thinks that I will be the same after I reach my professional goals, but I know I won’t. I feel unheard and not understood. If he is contacting me, he is probably not happy with his new girlfriend. I will just keep focusing on my studies, I don’t have a choice right now. I felt relieved after this chat, it felt good to break the silence. Rori says don’t be friends, but since I don’t want him back, I’m not attached to the outcome. I think it was good practice. What do you sirens think about this conversation?

  126.  #126aradea on April 4, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Angel Lady,

    You posted on the previous blog about JJ and the exclusivity thing, and since we’re both reinventing a past relationship in a new light, I thought I’d put my 2 cents in…

    First: what is YOUR exclusivity measure? What’s your boundary here? Are you wanting and ready to move towards marriage with this man at this time?
    Since your post felt uncertain to me, I would guess you might lean towards “no.” After all, it might take more time to feel comfortable being exclusive after he’s already burned us the first time with promises and excuses.

    For myself, I am letting messy ex know I am dating, expecting him to step up just as I would any new CD, if he really wants more with me- and words don’t cut it!

    If he REALLY wants to have the relationship back, (well, a new, better one, since I won’t carry the ball anymore.) he has to SHOW me.
    I want to know I’m important- important enough that he will rearrange his schedule to spend time with me- that’s one way he could show me he values time with me, which in my ‘love language’ is a high priority. (So the thing he does with pushing a date into the next week if the one day he asks for is already booked feels like he doesn’t look forward to time with me enough he will put himself out in any way for me, like it doesn’t matter to him not to spend time with me.)

    Communicating with me often- I feel thought about and cared for when someone texts me to say hi, or something casual, out of the blue…

    And there’s a few other “tells” for me that a man is really committed to a REALationship, rather than just wanting to get the competition out of the way so he doesn’t have to put anymore effort into having me in his life.

    Do you feel JJ is actually ready to step up?
    I know at this time, I doubt messy ex’s readiness and availability to step up. In fact, last week I’d asked what he had going on this week (general conversation) and he got all weird and awkward in the way he answered, so I know he had at least one other date. I was surprised at how put off I felt by this. I didn’t feel special or important at all. I heard NV in my head say” see, he is just playing with you all over again!” Maybe he is, but he can only play with my heart if I let him…. And I promise me, I won’t let him!

    (Nope, stuffer me didn’t say that it felt icky then, but I learned from it and will speak up next time if he brings up other dates.)

    And that’s tough- how can I stay open if I don’t really trust him?
    I struggle with that in regard to him, ie- what you were saying about the past habits being hard to break…
    So I find myself somewhere between wanting to write him off and go for a clean start with someone new, who doesn’t expect me to carry the ball and wanting to try again using the tools, practicing them, and just be surprised at what happens…

    since I saw that relationship as lost anyway, it felt right and easy to practice CDing with him, noticing the triggers and speaking up, but now that he is again dating me, it feels tougher to speak up when something feels bad, harder for me to be authentic and open.
    I am committed to staying on my path, and I choose to believe he is still in my life because I have this to practice more- in what I think is for me, the toughest situation to stay on my path.

    So I’ve set my exclusivity boundary here at this time: Until/unless I am in a relationship with someone who I would WANT to marry, and the relationship shows in the ways I require that he is indeed serious about proposing and he’s the right fit for my life, or he does propose, then I am keeping my options open. In short, I want THE ONE. I know right now, that messy ex isn’t the one. I don’t know if he will be, but I am keeping open to the possibility he could one day show me he is. Whether or not I am available or want him then is another matter, of course! lol
    xoxo- hope this helps!

  127.  #127Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    wow CRAZY!

    i was just reading on here about Stephen King writing a different genre as Richard Bach…

    and now I realize the book i wrote down that Prairie Girl recommended as uplifting

    is Hypnotizing Maria by Richard Bach!


    I read – eyes of the draagon – a fantasy by stephen king (i don’t liek horror) and i felt super drawn into it.

    Feeling excited about this!

  128.  #128Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Yes, that is correct Daria. Unless I could find a way to do it with no chance of them knowing. It’s not about fear or limiting beliefs – it’s about caring for those you love.

  129.  #129Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Izzy – honestly, it felt kinda bad… when he said “why?” about you feeling dissapointed about new gf

    i wouldn’t continue, because I would get reattached

    i just experimented with this to FEEL how it feels… instead of just know

  130.  #130Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Izzy: I wonder if you can learn from this: “Him: Yes, I thought we were going to work things out. You should live your life more fully with no restrains. You don’t enjoy the good side of friendship when you try to protect yourself.”

    I’m not saying you are like that…I have no idea if you are or not. But sometimes, when we find out what impression we give those who do or have meant a lot to us, we can learn from it. He might be completely crazy and wrong, but if he is someone you once cared about and he feels you struggle in this (even if it isn’t true) is there something you can learn from it?

    This is where I take into consideration people who know me vs people who know me from the internet alone. The internet doesn’t make for any sort of reality at all, but when people who really know me perceive me in a certain way, I pay attention.

    Does this resonate with you?

    Much Love,

  131.  #131Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Hi, Ladies! I spoke with Jonathon several times – he’s really grown a lot since then, and I do get his facebook “feeds”…but I was quite proud when someone wrote to tell me they couldn’t even friend request me, lol – I have it locked down so tightly!

    There was a big discussion about this right around the time someone hacked into another Siren’s account on facebook and sent nasty messages…

    I love facebook, I love seeing Katarina there, I love the new “secret” soulmate group I found there and here! Very cool….

    but if I sign up for say, the flower of the day site – it gets access to all my information and all my friends, too.

    That’s scary.

    And I would believe less that I saw on facebook than what I got from a Craigslist ad, lol….

    The premise of social networking is also the premise that allows someone to copy anyone’s picture and create a profile that is completely bogus.

    It’s a fine idea – as long as, as with all other ideas, we don’t fall into a false security about it.

  132.  #132Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Mercedes, yup, I too believe in protecting those we love. <3

  133.  #133Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Daria: It’s Richard Bachman…not Bach. Or is that what you meant?

  134.  #134Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Lucy – that feels yuck.

    I say NO. for me.

    i see it as

    its playing small and caring about others first, which actually hurts cuz i could give more by playing BIG!

    this is how it triggers me. its what I don’t want.

    Dear Universe – i don’t want this! thank you!

  135.  #135Ella on April 4, 2011 at 2:26 pm


    Not sure I know what to make of the conversation as it feels like a snapshot of a much bigger picture.

    However I can relate to lack of energy and trying to spread it out between professional development/career and personal life/dating.

    I struggle with that too and often burn the candle at noth ends and then end up feeling like I am right now, burnt out and de-energised.

    Which is not productive for either.

    I am currently experimenting with a better way to live, one where I can acheive my professional goals but in a way that doesn’t burn me out.

    Maybe in feminine way…

    I know some woman on here do business that way and seem to be able to thrive.

    I need balance.

    Nothing wrong with masc energy sometimes in work but if I am in it too often I get worn out, and I forget how to switch to fem when I am in social circles…

    This is where the work is for me right now.

    Need to balance taking care of myself with working.

    Hugs to Izzy juggling a busy life and aiming to better yourself!


  136.  #136Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Mercedes – crap! i was hoping it was by him!

  137.  #137Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    SLV – I am so sorry to hear about your bad news! I actually think I got sickk just from the stress of the outcome of a disposition I was involved in….

    the one two punch that can hit us when we’re not expecting it can be so devestating….

    I hope it turns out well – better than you can imagine at this moment, and you take care of yourself in the meantime!!



  138.  #138Mel on April 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Feeling good about my interview. Should find out in a couple days… Eek! It actually seems like a pretty cool job, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

    So funny! Hubby just texted that he bought me a little present. 🙂 Look what happens when you tell them their efforts are appreciated- they keep doing it! So sweet!

  139.  #139Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Daria – didn’t Richard Bach write Illusions? and Jonathon Livingston Seagull – Illusions is frankly, IMO, probably….the best book every written about time/space/ and reality. Might not be the right writer, but he’s a great writer!


  140.  #140Ella on April 4, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I think Running Man is another book by Stephen King under his alias…

  141.  #141Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Thank you Ladybird LD Daria. <3

  142.  #142Daria on April 4, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    The videos from the last article, by Charu

    look like they were done with Maria Andros’ video marketer’s style.

    She ran a special and some women entrepreneurs i follow , like Jena LaFlamme for weightloss

    recommended her

    I felt really impressed!

    I was excited to start to do my own videos… and i was blessed with a new webcam…

    it woudl still feel good to make them

    Intuition will guide me

    right now im jumping out of me to run to the park AND brush my teeth And post on the blog

  143.  #143Ella on April 4, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Lucy @ 118 – mee too.

    That is why I am so open on here too.

    It is me practicing being the real me for all to see, as I intend to be in my life.

  144.  #144Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Boomer, when reading about your “routine,” I thought to myself – that’s how I used to be before my ovarian surgery – structured, organized etc. Then I remembered that you and I had previously discussed some – ahem – hormonal similarities… So now I’m wondering what the connection is btwn estrogen and having organized thoughts – bc I am so much more free-form now that I have less estrogen (my kids think it’s funny and a radical change from before!) You must have high estrogen levels. This is interesting!

  145.  #145Lorelei on April 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Hugs SLV – sad to hear you’ve had a bad day.

  146.  #146Lorelei on April 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Lucy – I’m so sad to hear the news about your daughter, and send hugs and good thoughts.

  147.  #147Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Mel – Hi! we haven’t really spoken but good luck in your job search. I had the dissapointment last week of two interviewers telling me I was obviously “overqualified” – and I wanted to say, ummm, shouldn’t I be the one making that decision? lol….but it is super stressful and I’m so happy it went well. I’d be interested to discuss some of your interview questions, if you’d like?


  148.  #148Ladybird on April 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Mel: hope you receive good news about the job soon and so happy to hear your husband has bought you a present, he’s obviously been thinking about you!

  149.  #149aradea on April 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Siren and Divas,

    I have a question I hope someone might help address…

    We had an earlier thread where we were discussing how ready one is after a divorce to move into a new relationship, and my concern is about that.

    Iowa is just divorced in early Feb. after a year of legal separation. He’s done lots of reading and exploring, (Read Love languages, a few other books, time alone and figuring out for himself what he wants/who he is outside of hubby/ex-hubby…) dated a few women, etc… And certainly seems less hung up in the past than messy ex. But I feel he is latching onto wanting an exclusive relationship, telling me he loves me maybe too quickly.

    But maybe not… I’ve mentioned how sweet, thoughtful, and caring he is, and it’s certainly been more than 3 months of pretty consistent dating. And all along he has been care-full and concerned with how I feel, what I like, what I want, how he can take care of me, please me, make me happy. (Which never felt like messy ex really did, then again, I was SO overfunctioning, he never had the chance)

    the info previously posted about what he shows after 3 months might be an indicator, since we’ve been dating for 4 mo now, and not once has he pulled a disappearing act, nor even seemed to pull away, that I noticed. (I was busy CDing, so if he did it, I was too busy to see it) But the part about “if he is in an -ing mode; ie, grieving, divorcing, separating, he isn’t operating on the next level of love…” worries me. I feel like he’s still separating from the married man he was, and growing into the loving man he wants to be. But aren’t we all?

    I’m divorced, (4 years ago) and still learning to be fully, authentically ME, and still learning who that is in many new contexts. So I thought most everyone is that way… Maybe I am just not ready- in an -ing mode myself?

    Is it really possible Iowa is as ready for a serious-leading-to-marriage relationship as he’s presenting? Or has my past experience diminished my eagerness to trust when someone says, and even shows they are serious about having me/keeping me in their life?

    This mistrust feels so familiar for me- is it just my comfort zone? Is it keeping me from being open to a man who really wants to be a loving life partner? It feels easier to think that “he’s just acting/saying all this now, but he might be fooling me just like ex did.”

    Will I really know the difference?

  150.  #150Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Well Daria, I hope that when you are a parent you will consider your children’s needs. Many parents don’t and end up doing a lot of damage. For instance, fathers who molest their little girls bc they are putting their own desires ahead of their child’s needs. Or mothers who leave their babies home alone so they can spend the night with their boyfriends. Loving and caring for my children is playing BIG in my book, not small.

  151.  #151Ella on April 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Sometimes I feel annoyed with myself for leaning forward.

    Not in any major ways… but just recently in silly ways like friend requesting guys I know on FB.

    Hmmm, I just get really excited to see people I know and want them as my friends!

    How do I curb this enthusiasm which I guess could be sabotaging me?

    I just get this little voice in my head that says ‘it is just a friend request, it won’t hurt’ and to be fair it probably won’t, as long as I am Rockstar in other ways.

    But I still wonder why I do it.

    Still haven’t quite shifted the vibe enough to let people come to me…

    Working on it.


    Think this one will be big when I get it.

    Interesting that I have chosen a job where I approach people and make a connection with them…

  152.  #152Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Boomer, I just remembered – it’s the estrogen receptors in the organizational part of the brain.

  153.  #153turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Lucy, if I didn’t have young daughters I may feel more open about my life, but I have probably a 1000 pictures of them/us on my FB page, I write about where we are going, what we are doing, when we are sick, home, etc….. wouldn’t feel safe to me to have that available for just anyone to see. Actually…. just writing all that out makes me feel like going and deleting people that I don’t talk to on there, just know from a long time ago….

  154.  #154Mel on April 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Re: 147 Jacqueline

    Yeah… I hate the “overqualified” thing! That’s happened to me once before too. Even though I personally don’t apply for jobs I wouldn’t be happy doing, if you are “overqualified” they think you will jump ship at the first opportunity to get something better.

    This time I tried to emphasize that I thought the job would be a perfect fit for me (which I think it is).

    As for questions, I find they are asking a lot of “tell us about a time when…” kind of questions.

    Hopefully I’ll hear some good news later this week.

  155.  #155Ella on April 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    @ Rori:

    We`re all afraid that reality is ugly. Actually, most of the time, it`s what our brains think of reality that can be ugly.

  156.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    @91: Mercedes says:
    “…I believe in being careful. Sorta like you I guess. I’m sure your name isn’t SLV in real life and I clearly have no idea what you look like. You’re being careful. I like that….”

    Regarding me: I don’t know about that. I have a limited business presence and dot com in my name (one of them but it is a real name) even though most people I know in my real life do not call me by that name. But there are plenty who have corresponded with me and talked on phone who do know me by this name. I don’t use a photo here but there are some who have a good idea how I look…

    This is one reason I don’t use first name here; I don’t wish to connect the two; I think it would be rather easy.

    I haven’t seen your blog. I’ll go take a look now. I have a several years old blogger blog also; it doesn’t have a photo but does have my name…not much traffic though so not worried much about it. LOL

    However I am thinking of going wide with another web site and using my name… now I’m feeling a little uneasy about it. But making a living being me makes it hard to disguise…me.

    I’ve got a few weeks (or as many as I want) to think about it and I imagine I’ll have to disappear entirely from this blog. I kind of regret that. I think going forward, even if I remain here under another name, with the thought that I will never meet any of the people here who I have come to know, like, and care about does not feel good to me. Perhaps I am still way too naive.

    And you are right, we never know who is really here on the blog. I forget this all the time.

    I need to do some serious thinking about this. I wonder if “Rori Raye” is Rori Raye? Maybe I’ll adopt a pen name or two…


  157.  #157turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Aradea….. you posted some really good questions, and unfortunately… I don’t think there is a clear answer. Everyone is different. I know men who move from one relationship to the next, because they don’t want to be alone. I know men who say they will never marry again, because their divorce was so painful… they can’t imagine going through that again, then meet someone they can’t live without and marry her. I know men who say all the right things, and then you let your guard down, trust and believe them, and they change their minds. I don’t really know that many men who are able to process their feelings that quickly, and truly be ready for a new relationship. BUT, the thing is, I don’t know your man. Maybe he felt his marriage was over years ago, and knows how much he loves you and is ready to plan a future…. it’s only something I think you can answer based on how you feel, how he acts, not just what he says. Good luck, that is a lot to process.

  158.  #158loveiseverywhere on April 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    omg crazy night last night. i’m not using my tools… but somehow still seem to be finding some footing.

    didn’t text or call j. for two weeks… he emailed me sat… and then texted me last night. i made out with him for the first time. should have asked for a proper date, but i was feeling frisky. oh well. it’s helping my not over function with e. today. although I totally over functioned by calling e. last night… he didn’t answer but sent me a text apologizing for missing my call this morning…. I haven’t said anything back. might not. i think it’s best to get back to the wall ASAP! what do you ladies think? and how is your day?


  159.  #159Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Mel – yeah, when they say tell me about you – their eyes kind of glaze over; I’m wondering if I should shorten it to an “elevator” pitch? two minutes, or do the whole story – which does draw them in, leading the last woman to say, oh, I started off that way too.

    and on the tell me a time vein – I get what’s your weakness and I said caring too much about my resident’s, I took a 1 a.m. call from a senior going into heart surgery (thinking my gosh! that IS above and beyond and aren’t I a saint….) and what I got was, now there’s a line that you must not cross…

    ummm, okay, I should not let her tell me she might die and I might have to contact her family?

    I agree and it’s a useful line, but hard to believe that could be a turn off?…

    what do you think –

    and then no one outright rejects me – they say, we’ll we filled that position but there’s another one coming up we want to consider you for….or we’re still deciding and your interview went very well, or…no, the interview was great! it was just a toss up in the end.

    If you cannot figure out what the problem is…you can’t fix it. Argh…

    so where I’m at now is just sick, literally….lol…of it all and wondering if I should go back to school to get my esthetician’s license to go with the massage license, or just apply to positions of “leadership” – apt. management…which I actually do get the job offers in?

    Frustrating for sure!

  160.  #160turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    SLV says: “I’ve got a few weeks (or as many as I want) to think about it and I imagine I’ll have to disappear entirely from this blog. I kind of regret that. I think going forward, even if I remain here under another name, with the thought that I will never meet any of the people here who I have come to know, like, and care about does not feel good to me. Perhaps I am still way too naive.”

    SLV, why would you need to completely disappear from the blog? I wonder what kind of work you do that you’d need to disappear from a blog where you are anonymous? There is SO much information online, the chance that the people who blog here, would end up connectign this with your professional life, in a negative way…. is curious to me. Even if someone did connect the two…. why would that be such a big deal?

  161.  #161Daria on April 4, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    Lucy ouch! Ill make sure not to wrtte any books as thats similar.to molesting them. Mot.

    If thinking…i cant writr vuc of my vhildren feels good… Then ok.

    But to me it feels bad and it is limiting.

  162.  #162Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    If I google my username at tarot.com it will pull up everything I ever posted there – AND my youtube channel – which someone from the Netherlands wrote me a message through last week. Wow, I had NO idea that option even existed. And he wanted help in expressing his opinions and ideas cuz he would be thought crazy…oh, noooooooooo…..

    how’d I get here? there? lol

  163.  #163Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    SLV – I can’t imagine it here without you! you know my email – jlinaangel@yahoo.com and it does pull up my facebook I think? and for sure you can write…


  164.  #164Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Lucy – is your use of extreme examples – child molestation your applying of your extreme boundary theory? ummm…because look at all the famous actors, such as Johnny Depp…some movies he probably loves for his kids to watch, some he wouldn’t….
    no need not to be famous for your children. Just teach them good values and let them have supervised, age appropriate content.

    It feels awful to me when you pull in extreme, vile examples to make a point and it doesn’t seem necessary. I don’t like it, or the way it makes me feel.


  165.  #165aradea on April 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    I would really miss your voice and insights if you felt you couldn’t stay here.

  166.  #166Mel on April 4, 2011 at 3:26 pm


    The weakness question is always hard. I think the key is to state something and then briefly discuss the action steps you are taking to improve in that area. So you could have said what you did, but then…

    “but I realize that I need to set boundaries for myself, and remember that in order to do my job well, I need to take care of myself too….. so now I generally don’t take calls after 10…(or something like that).

    Do you have good references? I just wonder because it seems like you feel things are going well, but then no offers. Perhaps one of your references is not being positive or something?

    But yeah, I also wish I could just know what people were thinking so that I could improve. But honestly, sometimes it’s just who you know. A few times I’ve felt like the job was made for me, but would never get a call because they already had the job “pegged” for someone else- they just HAD to advertise it to be fair.

  167.  #167Izzy on April 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Hello, Mercedes,

    Thank you so much for your answer. Yes, I do want to live my life to the fullest. I have always been very shy and very self conscious. I lack social skills big time. I want to get out and play, but I have this fear inside me that keep me from diving into life. It is so frustrating. I want to connect with people and I just don’t know how. For so long, social life was a source of pain, not pleasure. It is hard for me to change. It has stopped me from striving professionally too. My friends from college are managers and executives in big companies such as Unilever, UBS, Credit Suisse and I feel embarrassed that I still haven’t found my path. So I decided to quit my job at a large bank (I was a Senior Analyst) and pursue a government position, which will give me balance between good salary and free time. But the tests are very hard and there is a tough competition. I’m not working, so I have very little money and not a lot of time for social life. But it is a short term investment. Once things works out, I will have money without having to work long hours. That is what I want for me. I’m giving up some things on the short term to get what I want in the long term. It is hard, but I know it will be worth it. I need to wait until I start working again to work on myself. Anyway, he was a very laid back guy and I have my ambitions, that was one thing that kept me from accepting him completely. He is a great guy, but I didn’t think we would end up together. It was convenient to let him stay due to my situation. I feel bad saying that, but it is the truth. I know I have a lot to learn.
    Thank you Ella and Daria. Daria, I wasn’t disappointed about his new gf, I was disappointed that he had to SHOW me. That he didn’t care about my feelings. Ella, I’m on my way to finding balance. It is just that the way to balance is not balanced at all!

  168.  #168Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    SLVL -Rori is Rori, she had another name before she got married…but yeah, I’m going to be a lot more careful about my distinct username in the future!

    did I mention a site called spokeo! OMG!!! It has all your stuff in one place – google earth pix of your house, reverse by your email…and even an estimate of your WEALTH!!! I opted off and out from my email, my phone number, and my name….

    This is a scary site!

    I’d recommend we all opt out!


  169.  #169Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Daria oh my! Lol. I never said I can’t write Any books bc of my children!!! I have several in the works that are just fine. One of them, yes, I am editing with them in mind bc I am conscious of the impact certain things have on people. To me that’s being both authentic and enlightened. The molestation example apparently served to reveal the inadequacy of your reasoning, thus the “ouch.” I feel pleased to see that. I had felt concerned that you might defend molesting and abandonment bc they are supported by

  170.  #170Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    your theory. I feel relieved to see you ditch your theory instead.

  171.  #171Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Mel – I worked for an individual for 17 years and he’s the only contact number I know of that works…and no one’s mentioned actually speaking to him. I have 4 fabulous reference letters, but in the apt. industry people move around so fast….

    I’d wondered that too, but since I’ve gotten jobs where he was listed I don’t think he’d badmouth me – plus if I found out, he wouldn’t want to deal with me, lol….

    That’s the situation where my boss was embezzling and tried to commit suicide – we’d all been friends for 17 years – but my name was NEVER connected with any of it! and he paid me a severance, and wrote the letter – so I really can’t imagine it.

    I think it’s more the overqualified thing…but I could be delusional! It could very well be age or weight.

    And that – no one’s every going to tell me! they don’t know how old I am, tho until I have to do the background check paperwork…

    and yes, I think they had a person chosen for at least one of the spots. Someone was actually nice enough to tell me that once – we had to advertise but the postion was filled….

    oh, well, the RIGHT choice shall appear!

    and I did say, I learned to maintain a distance, etc.

    so – the only other answer is I work too hard? lol….

  172.  #172turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    Boomer, you go girl… 17, wow, I’m excited to see how this plays out for you 🙂

    Mel, great news about the interview. I hope you get it, and soooo happy to hear your husband got you a present. I think all this work you’ve been doing is paying off! 🙂 He must feel the change in your vibe, and be responding 🙂 LOVE IT! 🙂

  173.  #173Mel on April 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm


    Yeah, it made me smile when he texted that. Not because I expect presents, but because it meant he was thinking about me. Maybe he thinks my love language is “receiving gifts.” LOL. Love it!

  174.  #174Mel on April 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Re: 171


    You’ll find something perfect for you. These other positions must not have been them! Good luck in your job search!

  175.  #175aradea on April 4, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Messy ex just called. Wanted to make plans to see me ‘sooner than later.’ but wouldn’t ask outright… just said, what’s your week look like? And I didn’t feel he has any right to know my weekly schedule, etc… (?true, or not? -love insight on how fellow sirens handle that)
    So I said: “what are you thinking might work?”

    (Dam$, I just wish he’d ask me out, man-up and pick a day… but I also see he’s afraid of rejection <<EXCUSE I just made for him, busted myself there)

    Then he said "how about Thursday lunch? We could go to X and maybe do Y…."
    Me: That sounds fun, what time?

    Was I leaning forward?

    This is so hard with him!
    But babysteps-
    & hooray! cuz I ended the convo 1st when I felt nothing left to say, rather than let him take up more time…. so that's a small step in the right course for me, I think.

    I feel like if I can succeed in being full Siren with him, I will be finally ready to move into a committed relationship. Until just as I wrote that now, I didn't realize I felt that way. But he has an uncertain neediness about him that triggers me to forget at times what's best for me, what my boundaries are, what feels good for me.

    I want to conquer that feeling of letting him matter to me more than I do.

    After the other day when he made it clear he had another date the next day, and I realized how I felt about it, I was again thinking I'd cut him from the CD roster, cuz I felt icky and un-special. Then after I sat and felt that feeling, I decided it doesn't matter to me really. He either realizes I'm "all that" and wants to make me happy and be with me -or he just doesn't. But I am still "all that," either way, and very happy. What a freeing and self-loving thought!

    Oddly now that I am in my happy spot again, he's been calling and texting me more.

    I truly don't know if he's someone I'd want to marry one day- though I feel leaning towards not, but I really feel that he's great practice. I have to really work and focus on staying in fem energy when I'm with him. And practice in a tough situation will make it easier when the other situations arise, right?

    like practicing dance wearing wrist/ankle weights- once they're gone, the dance is easier, and I am all the stronger and more effective for the extra effort.

  176.  #176Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Jacqueline, I love spokeo! I got to see some men’s houses that way. 🙂 Their info is not always accurate though. They had some of mine wrong and some of WH’s wrong.

  177.  #177aradea on April 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    aaack! I looked on Spokeo, and I want to opt out- how do I do that? I couldn’t find a link to do so, other than the ‘contact’ link

  178.  #178Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    156: SLV

    …”I imagine I’ll have to disappear entirely from this blog.”

    Um, dislike.


  179.  #179turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    I have been feeling really blah all day, exhusband was mean again this morning, and it’s all this old stuff… he’s just rehashing and bringing up stuff we should just agree to disagree about. NO, instead he told me I reeped what I sowed. (this is all about money, and the crazy thing was, he just doesn’t remember the horrible things he said and did, not that I never did anything wrong, but he was abusive every way possible)

    So, got to start my work day with him in my head… and teary eyed. Just tried not to think about it.

    Anyways, feeling much better now thinking about the Easter candy I am going to make and sell, the extra income will really help this month, and I enjoy my candy making sooo much. 🙂 I’m also making chocolate seashells for my friends wedding next week.:) I feel so happy to be a part of her happiness 🙂 She’s getting married on the beach!

  180.  #180Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm


    I desire to earn as much money as the had me estimated at. 😉

    I removed all of the listings from here quite some time ago. I believe they let you remove two/three per email address.

    I just went and searched for me again.. Clean as a whistle.

  181.  #181Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Jacqueline, I don’t have an “extreme boundaries theory.” I’m sorry you don’t like what I wrote. To me it was a very appropriate way to illustrate my concern about Daria’s line of thinking. I simply don’t agree that parents should do whatever they want with no concern for their children’s well-being. Specific to publishing, this is something that almost all writers do – consider the impact of their work on other ppl and make decisions accordingly. You are right – some don’t care. But many do.

  182.  #182Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    I’ve not gone anywhere but I do seriously need to organize things regarding my web presence. I’m sure I can work it out.

    That site you mentioned is kind of scary. I’ll have to google some of my usernames and see what’s what. Thanks.


  183.  #183Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    @111: turquoise3 says:
    “.. etc. but there is a facebook page and people post info. warnings…. ”

    Do you have the FB URL? I’d like to check it. I think I need to check a whole of things… I’ll be doing that…



  184.  #184turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Lucy/Jacqueline/Daria…. it’s really interesting following your “conversation” on here and seeing how differently we can perceive what’s written. I didn’t take Daria’s comment at all the way you did Lucy, I read it as her saying she would be concerned about her children, and the people close to her, and that she’s dealing with this with her parents now. I’m not trying to say what I think Daria meant, not at all trying to claim I know that… just that is how I interpreted what she wrote, yet you say it differently. I also thought the molesting comment wasa bit extreme, but didn’t read that as an extreme boundry issue, just you trying to make a point. Hmm… really is interesting to see how differently we can interpret the same words. I wonder if it’s the tone in which we read it to ourselves? If you read it with a positive tone, could it come off as somewhat of a joke? Yet with a negative tone, as a criticism??? Hmm… making me think a lot more about what I write, and how to show my intended meaning of my words. My ex and I argue a lot about the same old issues…. maybe I need to think of this in the tone he takes with it, and instead of just saying that isn’t how I see it, or meant it, try to say what I’m thinking/feeling in a different way that he might get? hmmmm

  185.  #185Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    @102: Boomer says:
    “…I meet no one without getting a last name that I can confirm. I give them mine. But I do use my Google Voice account for ALL men, like I’ve
    mentioned, until I am comfortable giving them my real number…”

    Good ideas here. I know Jacqueline has suggested having the guys bring driver’s license as I.D. to first face-to-face meeting.

    At one point in the e-mail exchanges, phone etc do you exhange last names? Tell him yours? Or even your first name? So far I’ve got a dating site user name which is not a first name kind of username. How do you do that? Gee, sorry I have to ask for specific tips. Jacqueline jump in here if you’re still around. 😀


  186.  #186Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    Thanks, Boomer.

  187.  #187Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 4:37 pm


    I “read” tone at times. And have been hella triggered by some of it.



  188.  #188Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Camile, yeah, I saw her saying that she doesn’t Want to limit herself bc of her parents and future kids and that she is trying to overcome that with babysteps in the other direction. It seemed pretty straightforward.

  189.  #189Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    no Rori is not Rori Raye. She changed her last name to a pen name… and told us all about it a (few years)while ago!

  190.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    I took it as Lucy not wanting to have private and personal information moving around in public in such a way that would make her children uncomfortable.

    I understand that. There even things I’ve posted here that I don’t think I’d want everyone in my family or friends to read. I believe it’s a matter of personal discretion and everyone is different.


  191.  #191Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    I feel curious about at least two ppl being triggered by the examples I used. I wonder why this triggers some ppl. Those things are happening every single day – they are very real – and parents justify them bc of their own wants and needs. Very legitimate and fitting illustrations in my view.

  192.  #192Lilybelle on April 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    I had an aha moment before drifting off to sleep last night.

    Not sure why I was playing old tapes but I think it was what brought me to the aha moment.

    I was thinking about the person that I am and how the two relationships (B and M) that I had, that were the so painful upon ending…were really the two relationships where I was able to be fully me, who I am. Neither of these men judged me, criticized me, told me what I could say or how I could say it but allowed me to be fully me, at all times. They weren’t meant to be with me forever, they were meant to teach me that I am absolutely, positively, 100% amazing, just as I am. They both still think that I am, even today. Teachers…given to you when you need it the most. I could have saved myself a few years of pain with B, had I found Rori at that time but then, maybe I wouldn’t have learned the lesson. And, I fully believe, there are no coincidences.

    This is what I want as part of my happily ever after.

    Thank you B and M. I wish you both deep love and happiness.

  193.  #193Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Jaqueline – thank you for your comment. yes it felt awful to me too and ive been feeling angry about it.

    i know that for me,

    I can’t do something i want to do because it would affect someone i love negatively – is DEFINITELY a limiting belief… the kind of belief i am babystepping towards eliminating

    The thought feels bad to me, so i don’t believe it.

    i want to believe that my following my desires woudl be a wonderful inspiration for the people i love

    so far it’s working that way,

    but i have experienced conflict.

  194.  #194Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    @189: Daria says:

    …no Rori is not Rori Raye. She changed her last name to a pen name… and told us all about it a (few years) while ago!…”

    Thanks, Daria. It’s something to consider! 😀


  195.  #195Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    to me an action out of pain and trauma – like molesting a child

    feels different than an action out of

    heart desire and self realization – like expressing myself fully through art or writing

  196.  #196Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    Arade – google opt out on Spokeo and you’ll have to past in the url and put your email. I had to do it again with the jlina name – so two email accts, my phone number and my actual name – all required opting out. And I’m definitely going to make a less distinct user name.

    Lucy – if you really want info on a guy’s house, I’d only trust the county appraisal district web site to tell me if he owns it and if he owns it alone. Spokeo is very disturbing to me….and yesterday you were speaking of extreme boundaries regarding prostitutes, etc. If you’re not using such extreme examples, I don’t see why you’d need them – for shock value? Daria can get the point from just a well written sentence of your thoughts and/or feelings. Just my feelings – actually, examples like that make me feel hostile, like I am being forced to be triggered. So – if someone uses extreme violence sexual agression, taboo topics as illustration when there is no need to, I feel triggered here. But not majorly, as I’m sure D can deal as she will….

    and I didn’t take her response as an agreement or capitulation….but it’s all good.

  197.  #197Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    I feel very intrigued and excited to start noticing Ayurvedic rhythms

    2-6 pm afternoony is mental Vata time – yes i’ve noticed this for me!

    6-10 is kapha time – to relax

    10-2 is pitta time – if body is sleep during this time, excellent sleep takes place and body rejuvenates – it’s also a good time for getting a second wind and getting active – ie DANCING!!!

    2-6 is vata time – mental? waking up during this time is great as long as you slept through pitta

    6-10 is kapha – good for body stuff like exercise (says the article)

    10-2 is pitta – great for eating big!

  198.  #198Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    i went to the park where there are men and studied LSAT!

    thank you Daria for taking me!

    i didnt’ flirt (look and smile)

    yes i did! jsut a lil bit

    mostly i closed up and turned my back to them lol

    i am babystepping to getting comfortable being there, soon i will be i know

  199.  #199Daria on April 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Thank you Daria for feeding me breakfast and lunch!

  200.  #200Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    SLV – well first off if you go to my jlina addy – you see my name as J. Anne. It took me a few emails to realize Yahoo was sending them right along with my real name. Then, I just sign them Jlina – if the guy seems flaky or young or in anyway odd. If the guy seems totally normal and mentions specifics – oh, I work in a plant by where you live and I love to fish(yuck…but…normal) by where you live – cuz a lot of these want you to put a location and I usually actually put the next small town over….

    anyway, if he is like that, and signs…Mark. I might put Jacqueline. I am a quick meet and greeter so two to three emails in I’d be on the phone – and looking me up from my cell is pretty difficult – so I’d ask in person what his last name is…and I wouldn’t offer mine until he asked. They seem used to this…

    Then if we were moving onto a meet and greet, I’d tell him I want to follow online safety rules and tell my best friend where I’m going to be so we’re meeting at Chili’s( for ex. ) at 8 p.m. tomorrow nite – and what’s your last name…

    or I might have found that out fishing from the beginning – I would definitely have figured out what part of town he lived in by the I don’t drive distances talk…and voila! name and part of town and I’m onto the appraisal district using both to see if he’s there and there is no one else on deed. Now he may rent, so you just take your chances –

    but I am totally in the camp of it’s a meet and greet NOT a date – so it’s 30 minutes of my time, or even better, my lunch hour from work.

    As soon as I meet him I say to heck with seeming like I’m interviewing him…and I interview him – where do you work, what do you do, what do you like…etc.

    I don’t mention exes and I proceed with caution if he brings it up in a vitrolic manner…

    I might say, yeah, that was a problem with my ex, he was a workaholic or something kind of generic to see if he GETS vitrolic…

    Then it’s thanks so much! had a great time….and I’m out of there. No offer of next meeting – maybe a hug and a peck?!….and the good one’s are texting me within 5 – 15 minutes how much they enjoyed it and usually sent a follow up email by the time I got home….

    and I weed so hard on the phone if I sense any ambivilance, underlying sex agenda…I ususually don’t even do a meet and greet.

    And most guy’s emails do come from actual names…don’t know if they realize it? but if it’s something like 692u…ugh…gonna delete!

    Hope this helps…everyone take care and have a good evening!

  201.  #201Daria on April 4, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    i’m feeling uncomfortable here right now

    also, my mind is raaaacing … hello mental stimulation time 🙂

    i’m still feeling angry at my dad


    and sometimes im not

  202.  #202Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Lucy – I get triggered because child molestation is not happening to me or those I love every day. I often don’t want to see who all was killed in Houston every day….so when I come here I don’t want negative extreme violence used as illustration of a pretty simple point. There is a whole school of thought out there that what you focus on is what you get, and that is not anything I want to focus on.

    Just as I don’t watch horror movies….I choose what to “feed” my mind. So, yes, your examples bother me and I feel they’re unecessarily graphic. However, I can just ignore them…so that’s on me.

    I do agree tho that saying I can’t do ….ANYTHING….because it might be bad for my children is hugely limiting. And you absolutely have the right to limit yourself.

    but obviously, as in the actor/actress example, it’s possible to fully self express and still shield or raise your children. No need to even equate it with child violence. But if you do – then it’s that much more heinous and therefore, you are totally justified in not achieving your novel, or whatever…even under your pen name.

    See, it’s a self construct that can be used to keep you playing small.

    And yes, there’s every chance the whole world can read what you’ve written – especially if you’re using Gravitar!

    but to stop and stifle and tie myself up into knots and disallow self expression because of it?

    Not for me – not going to happen. I’ll take responsibility for any and all consequences and I’ll own my actions…


  203.  #203Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    ps…Lucy…just from what you said way back when someone sent me a link to the guitar singing dude – his web page was down but it had his town his name, etc. I think somehow part of his name got cut and pasted into a post you made of his email? It’s not my problem so I ignored it…but it’s an excellent example of why stuff like Spokeo is so dangerous!

  204.  #204Daria on April 4, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    I wonder if women have special cycles? during the day… that would feel fun to discover

  205.  #205Queenbee on April 4, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I’ve been trying to catch up since last thread…. I feel love for all of you on Siren Island. Today I had the biggest breakthrough… will elaborate more…. I feel scared about sharing but I only want to because I could never have this moment if not for Rori and the Sirens on Siren Island. So I’m here just to acknowledge everyone and to love everyone for what you have given me.

    Just a couple quick comments from what I can catch up with and reply to on the last thread –

    Turquoise3 – I used to live in US and dated an army man – I believe they sometimes get brainwashed. It helped me understand a lot.

    Daria – oh no the bugs! I have default experience with this and just know that I’m thinking of you and sending lots of bug-killing energy your way.

    Nanceen – OMG! Thank you so much for sharing with me about the sex issue and directing your comments to me directly. Since Tinque wrote to me yesterday, I have created a special file and I am so committed to learning/ understanding, healing and growing in this and thank you SO MUCH for sharing with me. I will comment more soon after I can process all what I’m learning from my lovely Sirens….

    Boomer – I just want to send you love. I read your post about ‘aggressive man’ and I felt your fear (from past?) and also sharing authentically. Just want to send you more love.

    There is so much more… Alonka, Ella, SLV, Jacqueline, FW – thank you and sending love!

    I feel shy and embarrassed slightly – I had a huge breakthrough in 2002 that ‘I am love’ and I just want to express it with you because I feel it.

    I had an amazing day. I felt all Siren-y – even if I was in a bad mood for some parts, people were reaching out to ‘help’ me – cater for my needs.

    I did something new today – 🙂 🙂 🙂 Went and tested the Mercedes SLK 230 and BMW X5 (please google) – OMG ! What a wonderful moment now when I look back. I’m planning and preparing my future. I can totally see that I can do this…. I have ‘not much’ now (since transition back to home country) but that does not stop me. As Rori talks about the ‘passion’, I know my path – it may be difficult, but it is me, I chose it for myself. The hardest part is when other people are manifesting their destiny and I am not. But I remember, there’s an element of my path that is not easy and I can be with that and accept my Purpose on the Planet (POP).

    Ok, no more delays. I have finally experienced the ‘INVITATION’ in my life for the first time. I feel ecstatic. I feel myself authentic, my self-esteem go up. I know there was a lot of talk on the last thread about ‘how to react when a man returns’. I was also apprehensive about this. My normal way of being is to be angry and shut down. I practiced, went over the tools.. just did the best I could with what I have learned so far…. and it happened.

    Thank you Daria – because of you, I just went with how I felt and showed him that I was online (after being invisible, which was also good). I just went with how I felt… I did not focus on him, but if I was on so be it… just doing my thing. I was making a decision in my head that if he did not say anything by Wed (which would be a week), I would delete him from my friend’s list. I felt sick and tired… no blame, shame or judgement, just what felt good to me.

    It also felt somewhat difficult to be okay with the fact that I was feeling okay with him withdrawing…. I can see him for who he is…. etc. Thought about what to express in a feeling message if he did RETURN. I got to the point of trusting myself… I know what feels good and what does not… I’m feeling okay now… I still feel sad, but I trust that when it happens I will be authentic. And then it did happen! And not coz I’ve been a crumb-taker (SLV- LOL! ‘us and the past’).

    So I just wanted to post the convo we had. Not coz of any reason but because I owe it to you Sirens that I have had this experience in my life to feel my true worth and heal and grow.

    So here goes: (when he initiated – I found something to grab on to that I could start to feel my feelings, I melted -first time ever. I wanted to shut down and run away – decided to stay open….. It helps that I’m a musician and everything just seemed to come together in one ‘SURPRISING’ moment – for me, which I have never had and thank you to all Sirens for prepping me for this moment.

    I had leaned back and not done a darn thing except feel my feelings and practice the tools –

    OK, so here goes again (please you tube the songs if you can. When he RETURNED I felt myself MELT (never done before) and I cried and let it all out :):

    HIM: hodi hodi (in our language smth like knock knock or hello
    ME 4/4/11 11:32 PM
    (smiley face) I’m listening to one of my all time favourite songs – just came on. It feels so tender and beautiful
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:33 PM
    to which one?
    ME 4/4/11 11:35 PM
    Boyz II Men – Can you stand the rain. Winter 1997 – first time I saw snow. It felt like a miracle happening and I felt awed
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:37 PM
    now i am listening to it too
    ME 4/4/11 11:39 PM
    OMG, the lyrics still make me feel tingly and like I’m floating. I love the rain… it’s the meaning of my name.
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:41 PM
    you mean ‘my name’?
    ME 4/4/11 11:41 PM
    yes (smiley face)
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:42 PM
    wow! you didn’t tell me…
    ME 4/4/11 11:42 PM
    so beautiful… I feel like crying
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:43 PM
    yes, beautiful…
    ME 4/4/11 11:43 PM
    It feels strangely appropriate to this moment
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:44 PM
    to which moment?
    ME 4/4/11 11:45 PM
    I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:47 PM
    which moment did you mean, or rather what did you mean?
    ME 4/4/11 11:47 PM
    the moment in which you were typing to me
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:47 PM
    please explain why
    ME 4/4/11 11:49 PM
    I don’t know. It just feels that way. I’ve always loved the lyrics and the sound of the rain in the background feels so inspiring. I feel so close to nature… I’ve always felt that way.
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:51 PM
    i feel the same; I love the rain too, especialy in autumn or in hot summer in europe.
    ME 4/4/11 11:53 PM
    I love the acapella. I feel the voices resonate in my soul like in a surreal moment.

    I don’t think I’ll ever feel this way about another song in my life. I must go now. Reading and ready for bed. Goodnight.
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:56 PM
    i miss you
    ME 4/4/11 11:56 PM
    ok, that feels good.
    HIM: 4/4/11 11:58 PM
    ok, goodnight. when you miss me, let me know please

    and thank you for your advise. I went to check the outfit in diamond plaza
    ME 12:08 AM
    I would have felt good and fun to go with you….not expected, just me. You are welcome.
    HIM: 12:09 AM
    hmmm, so why didn’t you go as I invited you to join?
    ME 12:09 AM
    HIM: 12:10 AM

    ME 12:10 AM
    ‘crying emoticon’ – (I was in tears by now)
    HIM: 12:11 AM
    ME 12:12 AM
    i don’t know what you are talking about. i have no message from you. I don’t know why I’m crying
    HIM: 12:13 AM
    on friday i texted you
    ME 12:14 AM
    i did not receive a text. Last I heard from you, you were washing off traffic in a bubble bath
    HIM: 12:16 AM
    strange. i felt really bad when i got no reply from you but did not expect that you might have not received my message. I am sorry then
    ME 12:19 AM
    i have not had this happen before…. strange. I felt bad too and deleted all the messages in my phone (his messages ☺)… perhaps it was lurking somewhere, but I did not receive it.

    good, i miss you
    HIM: 12:21 AM
    i believe you. still feel bad because of the time that passed and we could spend together (at least I wanted it)
    ME 12:24 AM
    now I laugh and cry at the same time. You make me smile… always counting the time we could’ve spent together. I feel relieved.
    HIM: 12:27 AM
    are you going to the coast?
    ME 12:29 AM
    lol, why does everyone keep asking me this and telling people that I’m going to the Coast? This feels weird in a funny way. I don’t know… at some point I will….
    HIM: 12:31 AM
    i am asking coz you mentioned it and I am trying to asses the chances to see you. I am going to ‘town’ on wednesday
    ME 12:34 AM
    I’m waiting for my father (musical) to give me a specific word about something, then I will go. I made plans for this whole week (I DID – CDing friends – where there are other men there – and fam ☺).
    HIM: 12:35 AM
    ok, understood
    ME 12:37 AM
    there is always a song to match. I wish I could send you the file

    I’m not sure the name. Shall I google?
    HIM: 12:38 AM
    i don’t know. don’t want to bother you. i feel i need to go to bed anyhow
    ME 12:41 AM
    ok, next time. I feel a bit tipsy and tired. Goodnight.
    HIM: 12:42 AM
    ME 12:50 AM
    the song is boyz to men – Dreams. I feel nuts… I’ve been drinking wine… so…

    now I’m done. I feel embarrassed but I just felt like sending it
    HIM: 12:51 AM
    why embarrassed?
    ME 12:53 AM
    i don’t know… it just expresses something that I feel …
    HIM: 12:59 AM
    i pray that you will be there when I close my eyes… goodnight ‘my name’
    ME 1:00 AM

    ‘his full name’

    HIM: 1:02 AM
    i love the rain
    ME 1:02 AM
    thank you.

    He had “HOUDINI- D’ since last Wed (or so I thought). I didn’t know what to think – esp. since we had slept together.

    I feel happy that this feels new and good. I feel loved (from my lovely Sirens), love and joy. I touch my bliss and am so happy/ proud to share in these moments with you Sirens – it is because of you and so I say thank you . My healing and self-esteem has come! I knew there was more more to me.

    Gnite xx – long day tomorrow and buying mom, aunt and friends red roses for their lunch date (a little surprise from me :))



  206.  #206Daria on April 4, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Bug update – the baking soda (only used a lil bit that was left) did not seem to get rid of them completely

    but today woke up and got some more applecidervinegar

    took a bath with about 2 cups of it, and washed hair too

    now it seems they are NOT on me anymore


    the sheets got washed with chemical detergent (not my organic one) – Thank you mom !

    and we’ll see tonigth!

    theres the option of soaking everything in vinegar too in case they’re not all gone.

  207.  #207Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    laughing….at this description of House!

    As House fires questions Thirteen’s way, she starts to get annoyed (again, just like old times), and says his interrogation is getting annoying. House’s witty response: “Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50 percent less effective.” Well then, annoy away!

    And ladies and darlings….have a great night, and all take care!

  208.  #208Daria on April 4, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    something feels different about me. yes i got my period…


    since i made the decision to focus on ME and my beauty and nourishment to attract men…

    i just don’t feel lonely!

    i feel focused on ME!

    i’m interested in stuff about me, im looking forward to doing ME stuff

    i’m at a new normal here


    second nnote: my intuition said NO to going to tahoe

    i felt scared. i did some eft, and it said, ok you Can go, though no would be better

    lo and behold, horrible feeling fight on the way home

    it STILL leads to healing, but probably was more painful than saying NO and (probably upsetting mom)

    so intuition, thank you

    i love you and you are so wise

    and that makes me


  209.  #209Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Had a cool experience tonight regarding healing. When I read Jacqueline’s post to me I felt inside me what could be described as “the ghost of something” – but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was – a faint flickering benign thing with a familiar feel – and I felt intrigued. During my walk it hit me – it was “shame” – looking for a place to land inside me and not finding one! How exciting to see how thoroughly healed of shame I am – that it only looked vaguely familiar and couldn’t attach to anything inside me!

  210.  #210Jonathon Aslay on April 4, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Hello Friends, OMGosh can’t believe all these GREAT comments from Rori’s blog today.

    A quick Thank You to those who wrote some nice comments and I am happy to hear you enjoy my advice (Rori is still the BEST).

    While I offer a free report where to met men in the real world, online dating and especially facebook is the hottest place to meet new people and even your potential life partner.

    I met my g/f last year via facebook (mentioned it on Rori’s audio we did last week) and the whole story of how I courted her and the benefits of facebook dating. In fact, I have received several request to coach from Rori’s friends on how to facebook flirt.

    I did a tele class a while back, called “Move over Match.com, finding True Love on Facebook”

    Had no idea that is how I would meet the love of my life through FB.

    Dating, rather meeting quality men is tricky enough out in the real world and the internet can be confusing. Let me say this, Rori teaches great skills that can be used in both arenas.

    There are an abundance of great guys (and a few not so great) and become a magnet to attract character and values first (often the chemistry gets us in trouble).

    Thank you for taking a moment to allow me to participate, now back to my website.

    Will try to stop by again and THANK YOU Soooooo much.

    Sending smiles from Beach


  211.  #211Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    202. I’m gonna be blunt: you don’t get it, Jacqueline. Which is precisely why I used “extreme” examples – and you Still didn’t get it! Oh well. It can’t be helped but I must say it feels annoying to read someone thinking they get it when they don’t.

  212.  #212Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    196. Jacqueline. Yesterday – I don’t consider those “extreme boundaries” at all. I feel puzzled by that assertion, and the whole “shock value” statement. Apparently you missed my point yesterday as well. And nobody can “force” you to be triggered.

  213.  #213Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    I feel disgusted by the idea that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with the plight of abused children bc we might “catch it.” I feel angry and heartbroken – bc that is part of the reason the abuse runs rampant.

  214.  #214Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    I have to read today’s posts, just catching up. My Friday date disappeared. I really don’t know what went wrong. Maybe he didn’t feel my interest?? That would be unfortunate ;(

  215.  #215Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    I think it’s funny that you’re judging some topics as “taboo” and troubling to you in one breath, and advocating unrestrained self-expression with no regard to one’s own children in the next breath.

  216.  #216Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Lucy, my thoughts and with you and your daughter.

  217.  #217Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Maybe I should contact this guy in a few days?? I didn’t see him on the dating site where we met either.

    The only other thing I can think of – there was another couple in the restaurant and the girl was flirting and talking to him. I was more on a ‘serious’ side. That girl kept on saying she and her guy were ‘in love’ – the guy seemed indifferent though. But she started talking to my date – just a few words back and forth really. I wasn’t overly happy, but after all it was just a friendly exchange.

  218.  #218turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Daria, maybe try vaccuming your mattress and throw out your pillow? If you are changing the sheets everyday and they are coming back, they must be infested somewhere. I wouldn’t wait much longer to try a bomb, it may end up spreading through the house.

  219.  #219turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Alonka, no… don’t contact him, just lean back, didn’t he say he was going out of town for the weekend? Maybe he just needs a few days to decompress. Don’t worry about what might have gone wrong, sometimes things click, more often they don’t. That is just dating 🙂

  220.  #220Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Thank you Alonka.

  221.  #221Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:47 pm


    Are you going to visit her at the hospital? Or it’s too far?

  222.  #222Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:51 pm


    Yes, but I have a feeling that I was a bit too challenging. Just a tiny bit too serious as opposed to light. Yes, I did flirt and joke, and smile, and he seemed to be very pleased with the date, and kissed me lightly on the lips before he left, but still.. If he was planning another date, he’d contact me tonight.

  223.  #223Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Alonka, I am picking her up at college and driving her to the hospital. Have to leave home by 6:30 a.m. so I’m hoping I sleep well tonight.

  224.  #224Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    A funny thing happened. I was at a birthday gathering last week and a man starting talking to me. My griend came by and said – Alonka and I need to have a girl’s chat, would you excuse us? He was not happy and left the table. I emailed a common friend today asking her to apologize for me, I did not like what happened, but was tired and didn’t stand up for it on the spot.

    I contacted a guy on a dating site and he wanted to switch to the phone right away, so we were talking and then he says – have we met last week at that party? It was him! He asked me for Sat. night dinner and a movie.

  225.  #225Alonka on April 4, 2011 at 6:59 pm


    Sleep tight!!

  226.  #226Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    Maybe Daria and Jacqueline are just pretending to believe these things that feel shocking sad and horrifying to me. It feels bad to think they really believe what they are saying – so it must not be true! Whew. It feels better to think they don’t really mean what they are saying. Hey, that BK stuff works! I feel better!

  227.  #227Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Thanks Alonka.

  228.  #228Violet on April 4, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Lady Sirens,

    It seems like I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m going to be 55 yrs old and feel like I’m going to be solo for the rest of my life.

    I don’t want that. Right now, I feel like I’ve had my heart stomped on so many times, I don’t even know if it is still beating.

    It seems like every lady on this site has something happening one way or another. I don’t have anything happening and am too tired to care.

    I don’t feel like a Siren. I haven’t acted like a Siren. When I try to be a Siren; I feel like I’m being false.

    I read how I should probably wear subtle colors and act feminine, lean back, etc…

    I like vibrant colors because they fit my personality. How many men out there are going to fall for a lady that’s an ‘Alpha Female’. That’s what I think of myself.

    I’m very straightforward, honest, speak my mind. like to do things myself, independent. There are very few and far between (men) that can or want to deal with that.

    I don’t know what to do, anymore. My energy is gone and I’m apathetic.

    That’s why I took myself out of the dating game.

    I feel that something important is waiting right around the corner.

    Anyway… got to go. I’m way beyond physically, emotionally, psychologically tired. The best thing is to take a break and get healed and rested….


  229.  #229Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Lucy – I’m just confused. Of course I thought you meant what you were saying…maybe it’s just one of those things where I’m not up on every post you’ve made and you’re saying something else. Yesterday I caught you saying that prostitutes could be triggering or whatever due to option a. or option b – both of which were diametrically opposed.

    (And if I don’t want to watch the news, that is my choice….but…..)

    I thought you said that you would be hesistant to write a novel even under a pen name because it might be something that would embarass and cause harm to your children and therefore you would not do it because it is awful to put your children in harms way and even people who claim to do things in their children’s best interest are capable of doing horrible things to them. Then came the extreme example.

    So – chalk it up to another I don’t get it if you want. It seemed like a self fulfilling prophecy and self limiting to me.

    Sounds like you’re stressed enough! Hope you can just get your rest and be ready for tomorrow….

    Best wishes,

  230.  #230Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Lucy: “I feel disgusted by the idea that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with the plight of abused children bc we might “catch it.” I feel angry and heartbroken – bc that is part of the reason the abuse runs rampant.”

    Amen sister! This issue has been very, very strong in my life and if we refuse to talk about it because it is so “taboo” then it continues. HUGE issue in my life but it shouldn’t have to happen to us or to someone we know for us to talk about it.

    Keep our children safe. At all costs. Talk about. Blog about it. Write about it. Don’t pretend it doesn’t exist because YES…our actions…in the smallest ways…affect our children and the children of others.

    Thank you for your fearlessness.

    Much Love,

  231.  #231turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Lucy says: Camile, yeah, I saw her saying that she doesn’t Want to limit herself bc of her parents and future kids and that she is trying to overcome that with babysteps in the other direction. It seemed pretty straightforward.

    I actually missed the earlier comments to this conversation, It didn’t quite make sense, from where I started… I went back and re-read it and see how you took what she said the way you did, but I still didn’t read it that way. I read it as, her not wanting her parents to know her private life and it’s an issue she’s dealing with, with them. I can understand that, because I’ve done things I wouldn’t want my parents to know, and I’m 37! Does it mean I’m going to change my behavior because there is a chance they might find out? No, I’m not going to limit myself that way, but I’d be very careful to not have them find out what I didn’t want them to know. I read her comment about her children differntly than you did, (since I missed a prior message) as her thinking small because it was better for those she loved, but she’d love to think big. I realize now, that wasn’t her point. I don’t think it’s fair though to say she wouldn’t consider her childrens needs because she would choose not to limit herself.

    I understand your point, as a mother we tend to see things differently than before we were moms, but to go from not publishing a book because your children might not like what they read, to comparing that to parents not putting their children’s needs first and that is why they molest, is a stretch for me. People who molest children are sick, there is something wrong with them. Parents who leave their children home alone are neglecting their children. A parent making a choice to publish a book that would make them rich and famous, which would support their family and bring good things to them, is quite different. There is a positive to that. Maybe in the face of a negative, but the comparison to an actor doing different roles, I think was great. I just saw Anne Hathaway in Love and Other Drugs. There was A LOT of nudity in that movie. I’m sure she wouldn’t want her children to watch it, but her other movies she’d encourage. We have a right as human beings to persue the things we want, without stopping ourselves because someone else wouldnt’ approve.

    I have a friend who I felt put what she wanted in front of what I thought was best for her 3 year old daughter. She was a stay home mom and put her child in dayschool 4 days a week so she could have time to focus on her tennis. I took that as selfish until she explained to me that she hadn’t quit the army (she was a helicoptor pilot) because she wanted to be a stayhome mom, she quit because she hated it. Her husband did a lot of the housework, while being in school full time, he took care of the yard, cars, etc. and he often cooked. I again, saw that as selfish… but she felt they were partners, they both helped and shared responsibilities. They now have 4 children, and are still happily married. She focused on things she wanted for herself, because she should! Her daughter enjoyed being with other kids, it didn’t hurt her. Her husband chose to help as much as he did, and respected his wifes wish to persue her tennis coaching, and they made it work. I on the other hand sacrificed so much in my marriage because I thought it was what I should do… put everyone else first, took care of myself last. And it showed. I put on weight, I didn’t sleep well, my ex barely helped around the house because I tried to take care of everything myself. It got to be routine, and he felt he shouldnt’ have to help. I became resentful… and it spiraled into a very unhappy marriage for both of us, and led to divorce. SO, if you have a great book in the works, I say go for it! I bet your children would be really proud of you and no matter the content, if it could help,inspire or entertain others, it would be worth the effort. How many times in life do we have the opportunity to do something we’d feel so positive about? Life is short Lucy, I’d find a way to do what I wanted and protect my children in the meantime. I didn’t mean to trigger or upset you by butting into the conversation, just seemed like there were two ways to take it.

  232.  #232Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Violet!! Honey, I am ALPHA in caps….and I never wear pastels or prints….and 2 years ago my married man who left his wife but she wouldn’t divorce him whose children hated me finally gave up and we split, and 6 months later my boss of 17 years tried to kill herself and embezzled…and I lost one of my best friends due to her causing me even more crap at work….so my whole world crashed and burned and I had to start over….with EVERYTHING….

    So – just be here, share with us…and all you have to do is like hang out – reach for the next better thought to feel a little better….step by step….

    You don’t have to be a Siren…you just have to baby step to feeling better!!

    Hugs to you – please don’t give up!!


  233.  #233Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Mercedes…how does the child molesting thing equate with writing a book? I’m so missing a link here! And why is it good to bring it up in strange periphary examples of the opposite of taking care of your children?

    It’s all good to stand up for children…but again, something’s not connecting for me. Did you read the original posts? Seems disconnected.

  234.  #234Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Turquoise…great recap!!! I offically want you to write a guest post on my blog….I am waaay less confused and you are really good at editing and logically clarifying. Thank you!


  235.  #235Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    PS – Turquoise, your story is written almost verbatim in Dr. Gilda’s book….I’m sad for you and you definitely should check her out. Very much about women being powerful and not looking for rescue – she would totally agree with what your friend did being inspiring!

    If you click on my name it’ll take you to my blog….and her book review!

  236.  #236Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    “Those things are happening every single day – they are very real – and parents justify them bc of their own wants and needs.”


    And it’s not limiting to protect our children. On the contrary. It’s limitless…what we can do to keep them safe…LIMITLESS!

    Thank you again Lucy. You are very brave.

    Much Love,

  237.  #237Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Yes Jaqueline…I read the original posts. It’s not limiting. It’s like an actress I saw who insisted specific clips of her movie NOT be shown at the academy awards because her children were going to be there. They showed one anyone. She left with her children and was totally angry. To this day, she regrets making that movie because her children saw the clip. Her children mean more to her than money or fame or fortune. She was horrified.

    That actress is Nicole Kidman. The movie was one she did with her then husband, and the children’s dad, Tom Cruise. She regrets it.

    Lucy is saying she doesn’t want those regrets because she wants to keep her children safe. I like that.

    We don’t have to agree. I happen to like it though and I appreciate Lucy’s ability to stand up for her children. If more of us were like Nicole Kidman, maybe few of our children would suffer.

    Hope that helps clear up where I am.

    Much Love,

  238.  #238Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Still waiting for you to explain how this relates? Mercedes….and what parents – and HOW in the world does all that relate to you shouldn’t write a book??? Does it keep you from writing a blog – which I’ve read and doubt you want your children reading. This feels like alt reality and makes no logical connection(s)….

    does it just make you happy to talk about child molestation and that is the good in it?

  239.  #239Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Okay…I read about that but how does “protecting” your children from your own decisions….have anything to do with child abuse?

    Appreciate you explaining!

  240.  #240Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Lucy, re: estrogen. Wow. Interesting. I have always assumed I had too much testosterone.

  241.  #241Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    Thank you so much Mercedes! I feel encouraged and teary. Very grateful for your words. <3

  242.  #242Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Okay re-frame…why are we talking about child molestation? how does it relate to someone writing a book and what is it an example of. Is it somehow relevant or good to introduce it into the conversation? Is it not supposed to be emotionally triggering? I mean – if it’s a brave brave thing to do….ummmmm…..

    you want no reaction at all? This aint logical, it may make some feel good and some feel bad, but it is definitely not logical.

    Nite, all…


  243.  #243turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 7:56 pm

    Thanks Jacqueline… I love to edit, wish I’d gone to school for writing/editing, and if I could hone in on one dream, that might be an avenue I’d persue. I wrote a children’s book that I’d like to try and have published, but beyond some initial reserach online, I haven’t followed up on that. Which is a shame, because it’s a great story about having a father in the military. I’m also very interested in the book you mentioned. I’ll check out your blog. Thanks ! 🙂

    Oh, and by the way… when I was young I LOVED trashy romance novels, and often considered writing them when I grew up under a pen name (because I wouldn’t want to be embarrassed). The only thing is, I really like my name… so I didn’t want to give that up 🙂

  244.  #244Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Jacqueline: I can’t possibly explain it to you and I doubt Lucy can either. Thank you for reading my blog…appreciate that. Subjects like this are too much for some…I can understand that. What I can’t explain is what it is really like to be a mother who wants to protect her children at all costs. That’s something you either get or don’t.

    I once heard a child of a sequestered (sp??? too lazy to look it up) nun say: “For those who understand, there is no explaination needed. For those who don’t, there is no explaination good enough.” That’s how I feel right now.

    I can’t explain. I don’t have the energy to try. To me, it’s about as logical as it gets. Most of all, I just want Lucy to know she is understood and not alone.

    Lucy…based on your last comment to me…I think that has happened. Thank you for being the mother you are.

    Much Love,

  245.  #245turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Alonka, I don’t know… this is the part I don’t get. If we’ve screwed things up, but aren’t supposed to contact them, how do we ever have the opportunity to try the new things we learned? Unless they reach out to us, we’ve just missed our opportunity?

    Rori, if you read this one… I’d like to know what you think about that. Is there a way to reach out to a man that has disappeared/pulled away, without coming across as needy or controlling? I’d be very interested to know. Thank you!

  246.  #246Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Turquoise…I love children’s books…have a collection of them – antiques and current…have you seen the Disney Never Fairies?? they are sooooo amazing and beautiful!! Look forward to talking to you soon,


  247.  #247Darling Ella on April 4, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Hmm…Interesting…I read the conversations…and here is my take…

    Lucy feels scared about her daughter’s health situation…She wishes she could hide the pain but she cant…so she is picking up arguments and she is sure wants a fight…with these bitches who have no clue of what raising a child with special needs means…or sacrificing your own needs and desires for the safety of your children…

    Lucy…please forgive me…I so feel u …it’s likely I am projecting my own issues about dating and raising children with special needs…towards women without ….or even those who do but their kids are healthy…

    I often feel so fucking pissed off…I feel I can’t relate to nobody because of my experiences…

    My son – twice cancer, seven surgeries…5 years of in and out of hospital…lost his bladder forever…he is due for major surgeries…I am still avoiding to discuss and admit to him that he is likely never be able to urinate like all men do…or have sex…it kills me inside…

    One of the main reason I am still single after 8 years is because of my son’s health condition…When men hear about it…they back off…I feel scared to even open the conversation…

    I once had one dude I was dating asking me if he will die…I asked him why does he asked this? I felt hurt…he answered bluntly because he wants to know how my situation would affect his family…

    And on top of it…my son rich relatives give a fuck about him…we went three times out of state for surgeries and doctor appointments…none of them helped with not even food money…

    I did all by myself…no mother, no father, no sister, no spouse…my ex went literally crazy …he could not deal with our son’s situation….as of today he is still not well…

    I feel trapped…I feel scared that if something happens to me there will be nobody to help him…:(

    I hate rich people…I hate chu*ch bull shit people…

    I hate men

    I hate myself…

    F***k life…often times…There are endless tears for me…

  248.  #248Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Camile, that’s not what I said. I can see you are triggered by the comparison btwn yourself and your friend – and thus reading the convo thru that filter – but that is not at all what I was talking about.

  249.  #249Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Mercedes…that’s good, it’s a hard time for Lucy! and I hope it helps….
    and I’ll agree to disagree, smile.

    Night all lovelies!!

    Torquoise….you’re gonna find that closure is overrated, there is no leaning forward and pretty much you just circular date, change your vibe and maybe he shows back up? It’s a conundrum, a paradox and a koan….smile and hang in here!

  250.  #250Darling Ella on April 4, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Hmm…Interesting…I read the conversations…and here is my take…

    Lucy feels scared about her daughter’s health situation…She wishes she could hide the pain but she cant…so she is picking up arguments and she is sure wants a fight…with these bit*ches who have no clue of what raising a child with special needs means…or sacrificing your own needs and desires for the safety of your children…

    Lucy…please forgive me…I so feel u …it’s likely I am projecting my own issues about dating and raising children with special needs…towards women without ….or even those who do but their kids are healthy…

    I often feel so fuc*ing pissed off…I feel I can’t relate to nobody because of my experiences…

    My son – twice cancer, seven surgeries…5 years of in and out of hospital…lost his bladder forever…he is due for major surgeries…I am still avoiding to discuss and admit to him that he is likely never be able to urinate like all men do…or have sex…it kills me inside…

    One of the main reason I am still single after 8 years is because of my son’s health condition…When men hear about it…they back off…I feel scared to even open the conversation…

    I once had one dude I was dating asking me if he will die…I asked him why does he asked this? I felt hurt…he answered bluntly because he wants to know how my situation would affect his family…

    And on top of it…my son rich relatives give a fu8k about him…we went three times out of state for surgeries and doctor appointments…none of them helped with not even food money…

    I did all by myself…no mother, no father, no sister, no spouse…my ex went literally crazy …he could not deal with our son’s situation….as of today he is still not well…

    I feel trapped…I feel scared that if something happens to me there will be nobody to help him…:(

    I hate rich people…I hate chu*ch bull shit people…

    I hate men

    I hate myself…

    Fu*k life…often times…There are endless tears for me…

  251.  #251Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Testing a new Gravatar. Decided to create a bit more anonymity here. Not for all of you–just considered that this is a readily accessible public forum, and I have said some real stuff here.

    Did my kitty cat show up???

  252.  #252turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    Like in my comment earlier about tone and meaning, we can try to see if from the other perspective, but sometimes we just don’t get it. Lucy, I guess the main thing I don’t understand is what you’d want to write in your book that you’d need to protect your children from, that would equate to child molestation. It is a very real topic, I get that…. but there is a disconnect here for me as well. I’m assuming you didn’t mean it as a comparison, rather just in the fact that it’s important to put your children’s needs before your own (which I agree with in many ways) and that some people make terrible choices which hurt their children. It’s just the stretch from one to the other that jumped out at me. That’s all. I’m sorry this conversation even happened tonight, you have enough on your mind about your daughter. I really hope it goes well tomorrow.

  253.  #253Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    “it’s a hard time for Lucy!” ????? Huh??? I don’t think she finds this hard at all. From what she is saying, it isn’t hard…it’s natural…it is what feels right for her…it is what makes her happy…it is what makes her comfortable for her children’s future. How is that hard?

    Seriously confused now. What I heard from Lucy was an absoutely beautiful description of what motherhood is all about. How is that a “hard time”. Now I’m thinking maybe I DID miss a post or two??

    Lucy? Did I miss something here??

  254.  #254Mercedes on April 4, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Oh wait! Are you referring to her current issues with her daughter as the “hard time” and are you comparing that with what she’s talking about here?? Like “excusing” what she said because her daughter is currently hurting for another TOTALLY different reason???

    If so, all I can say is WOW!! That has nothing to do with what she’s talking about here!!! Sheesh!! Talk about taking a leap!!!

  255.  #255Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Wow. Who would’ve thought all this would result from my simple statement that I would write this great book if it wouldn’t harm my children! lol. wow. Btw I wasn’t talking novel – it would be creative non-fiction. But yeah, my kids mean more to me than wealth and fame! It doesn’t do kids any good to be rich and effed up. Better to have a modest lifestyle with good mental health. Mercedes, I didn’t know that about Nicole. I adore her and Keith! Oh, he just came on the radio, just this second! 🙂

  256.  #256Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    I’m noticing that there are a lot of assumptions being made – that it’s simply about my kids “not liking it” or “not appoving.” Lol. NO! It’s not about that! Sheesh! I feel amazed that this situation is so difficult for people to understand.

  257.  #257Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    For ME, Ms. M….I am saying that I don’t want to argue with Lucy when she has so much on her plate tomorrow. She imo, might just want to rest and feel peaceful. And for ME, Lucy – I hope you do just that.

    Word nuances and dramatic subject illustrations wouldn’t be on my mind right now…being well rested and at my best would be.

    So, lol, if you all feel good arguing semantics and word connotations, do it – I’m saying do whatever will make you feel good, especially if you have a lot on your plate.

    Ella! I am so sorry about your son, that is heartbreaking…I can’t do anything other than feel sad for you.

    Everyone, feel good or better! and sleep well.

    goodnite 4 real….


  258.  #258Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    @250: Boomer says:
    “…Did my kitty cat show up???…”

    Is that a euphemism a la Mrs. Slocombe?


  259.  #259Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Lol. Jacqueline, Camile’s post was not at all an accurate recap – not at all what I said or meant – so if that cleared it up in your mind then it’s cleared inaccurately. lol.

  260.  #260Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 8:28 pm


    I saw your cute little pussy for just a minute and then it disappeared…


  261.  #261Simply Shannon on April 4, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Lucy, I’m noticing the example thingy (re: explaining) is a great way to deflect conversation. Everyone is talking about child molestation instead of being curious about the topic of your book.

    Write the book. Don’t write the book. None of my business.

    So… what is the topic for your book? 🙂

  262.  #262Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    185: Senior Lady Vibe

    Regarding when to give names and such.

    When a man tells me his name–usually he just signs an email–that’s when I say, “well, hey there Alphonso, I’m Boomer.” Sometimes I do say “Boomer” if I want to keep it playful or mysterious or if my intuition says “don’t tell him your name just yet.” But usually I just give him my own lovely given name.

    I ask for a last name after I agree to meet him. And I offer mine.On a few rare occasions, a man has declined to give me his last name, so I declined is invitation.

    I also always tell someone else who I am meeting. In fact, if Annie Clyde knows I have a first meeting, she will ask for the guy’s name and phone number. And she always calls me the next morning and says, “I haven’t heard from you! Are you dead in a ditch???” She has my passwords too in case I really AM ever dead in a ditch and she can lead the police to my killer.

    She’s extreme in her paranoia sometimes, but it comes from a good place 🙂

  263.  #263Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Shannon, thanks for asking but I am NOT gonna open THAT can of worms after this circus! LOL! I’d have to really be a masochist, which I’m not! This here is painful enough, thank you very much! But I do appreciate your comments. Two topics near and dear to my heart – writing and children – my two passions – and I can embrace both in a LIMITLESS way (as Mercedes clarified)!

  264.  #264Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    SLV…you minx! Yep, that’s my awesomely stupid cat.

  265.  #265Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Jacqueline, it’s all just straight logic – tap into your left brain, read carefully, and you’ll see how it connects.

  266.  #266Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    @261: Boomer says:
    Thanks, Boomer. I see she is back. Cute. Is she yours?

    Boomer: “On a few rare occasions, a man has declined to give me his last name, so I declined is invitation.”

    Oh, my. Do you mean you asked a guy very polite, “What’s your last name?” and he said “I’m not going to tell you.”…? Oh, that sounds bad…


  267.  #267turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Welp Lucy, it may not be what you think you said, or how you meant it, but it’s how I read it. So, it may be inaccurate according to what you thought or felt, but it is an accurate representation in how I interpreted what you were saying, and what I read. I wasn’t triggered because of what I said about my friend. I was associating reading the comments between you and Daria with how my ex and I discuss things sometimes, and how it would be good to try and see it from the other persons perspective, because the tone implied, may not be the tone intended, which could cause a disagreement, which could actually just be misunderstanding what the other person is actually saying. Sometimes when I read what Daria is writing, I feel like English is not her first language, and something is getting lost in translation. So, I’ve tried to look past just the words and try to gain an understanding of what I think she really means.

    And, I still think it’s unfair of you to imply that by Daria not wanting to limit herself because of her children’s needs, that it’s the same thing as someone molesting their children by putting their selfish needs first. You may not have meant it that way, but that is how I read it.

  268.  #268turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Jacqueline, @248, yeah, at this point, it’s been 3 weeks with Tom and I don’t even know what I’d say if he tried to come back now. It would be hard for me to get past his disappearing act and not feel it could happen again. Who knows though, maybe I’ll learn and grow, and be open to the possibility someday. I haven’t grown enough in 3 weeks. I was thinking more about down the road, when, like Alonka says she felt she made a mistake on the date, is there a way to reach out and not seem needy or overfunctioning. I’m thinking no, but was curious as to what insight Rori might have on the topic. A lot of the dating advice I’ve read in her emails, is what to do when the man is still in your life…. but if you had this great guy and he walked away, and you didn’t really have an opportunity to see him… then that’s just it? really no way to try and salvage that? Guessing the answer would be a big NO, unless they reach back out to you.

  269.  #269Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    SLV, yes, I have politely said some version of how I’ll feel safer to meet someone if I know his full name. One man said, “Why? So you can Google me? No way.” I said I could only assume he had something to hide, and that I was not comfortable meeting. It was weird. I’ve had maybe two more men be cagey and kinda weird about it, but they told me.

    Then there was Mr. Wonderful, who simply lied about his entire name. I suppose that’s one way around getting Googled.

  270.  #270Daria on April 4, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    i guess it came down to me feeling bad for Lucy and not wanting to see her limited by this belief.

    perhaps by writing her book, her children’s lives would be even BETTER

    and she would get to live her passion.

    But for her now, perhaps the belief: i can’t because my children… is serving her somehow.

    perhaps she doesn’t want to write the book and something even better for her will come along because of it

    bugs didn’t seem to be gone off teh bed or sheets, so i’m going to do another bath

    and i feel sleepy

  271.  #271Alicia on April 4, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    All of my favorite BEST CHEMISTRY guys have been ORGASMIC…lol oppsie I mean ORGANIC.. 🙂 haha

    Internet dating serves it’s purpose. It’s just not my style.. so much.

  272.  #272Daria on April 4, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    now Lucy says she can embrace both in a Limitless way, which is what feels good and what I wanted for myself

    i feel confused as to how that came about…

    i feel a little embarassed to say… i feel afraid to read mercedes’ posts when my name comes up so i’ve been skipping them…

    anyway it’s all clear

    i don’t want to control Lucy or her beliefs…

    i made it clear to the universe what i want for me! and what feels good and bad for me

  273.  #273turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Boomer I do that too. I text my sister the guys name, phone number, email address, where he is from etc.

    SLV, when I very first started dating online, I was NERVOUS so the guy scanned his driver’s license and emailed it to me 🙂 I’ve never had anyone else offer to do that, but it did make me feel better.

    I don’t usually get a last name these days, not because I’m afraid to ask, just because I have them come to me, meet me in a public place, usually a place I’m very familiar with, and, then if it’s going well, I’ll ask. If though, they have the same name as someone else I know, when they give me their phone number I ask for a last name. That way, it’s not confusing. Right now I have two Aarons emailing me on POF, that could get confusing.

    Just do what makes you feel comfortable, and ask for what you need. You’ll be ok! 🙂

  274.  #274Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    And yep, that’s my kitty. She is sneaky. I am not really a cat person, but I like to say that she is not really a people cat, so it works for us. She is cross-eyed and awesome.

    I feel like eating pizza. It’s too late though. And well…I have no pizza to eat.

    OK, bed time. Interesting night here. I did not follow, but Lucy, take care of you and your daughter.

  275.  #275Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Turquoise, I had a funny run with men all named Shawn, but it various spellings. I called them the Shaun/Sean/Shawns (like a 60’s boy band). It’s also odd that I have three other close Sean/Shaunns in my life. It got confusing. Now I have John/John/Jon/John. It does get confusing.

    And there was time where every man I met was named Chris. One time a guy said, “I’m Chris,” and I just said, “Of course you are!”

  276.  #276Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    @268: Boomer says:

    “…Then there was Mr. Wonderful, who simply lied about his entire name. I suppose that’s one way around getting Googled….”

    Well, I’ve run into my own Dr. Strangelove… 😯
    …guys who tell all kinds of fibs. And then you run into them in unexpected ways.


  277.  #277Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    @272: turquoise3 says:
    “… I was NERVOUS so the guy scanned his driver’s license and emailed it to me I’ve never had anyone else offer to do that, but it did make me feel better…”

    I give bonus points if guy does things to create a sense of comfort. Very smooth.


  278.  #278Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    SLV, one ex told me he had lived in Ireland, he played college football, he played in this cool band on a studio record, and that he had a 4.0 GPA. Try: he’d never left Columbus, he got kicked off the chess team, he played tuba in the orchestra, and he got kicked out of college with a 1.2 GPA. Oh, he also never told me that had been married and that he had a child. It was MONTHS…I mean, like, nine of them….before any of the truth came out. When the woman he lived with called me to explain the situation. Oh my. So I do my due diligence if I sniff anything fishy.

    I was so naive!!!

  279.  #279Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    ha! I’m still awake….and it turns out LEFT brained? Oh, nooooooooo……check it out, ladies – interesting tidbits! I thought Lucy was joking to use my non linear creative brain, but nope, I’m supposed to use my rational brain, which indeed does seem to be working from the scoring system below. Dang it – maybe I need some Nyquil??


    Which Side Do You Use?
    You responded as a right brained person to 7 questions, and you responded as a left brained person to 11questions. According to the Hemispheric Dominance test, you use your left brain the most. The summary briefly describes your dominance type. Remember, this only represents half of the picture. After you read the description, click on the link at the bottom of the page to find out how to use this information to improve your study strategies. Do not forget to print your results, if your instructor has requested you to do so.

    Some of the traits associated with the left side of the brain are listed in the table. Not all of the traits will apply to you. Remember, we use both side of our brain, but your left sides gets the most exercise.

    Type of Cognitive Processing
    Brief Description

    Linear Processing information from part to whole; in a straight forward logical progression.
    Sequential Processing information in order from first to last.
    Symbolic Processes symbols an pictures; likes to use letters, words and mathematical symbols.
    Logical Processes information piece by piece using logic to solve a problem.
    Verbal Processes thoughts and ideas with words.
    Reality-Based Processes information based on reality; focuses on rules and regulations

    Who’d of thunk it??? I’m good with all versions of the story of the day…or night….

    and blushing at SLV and the pussy cat! what would we do without you?!!!

    Sweet dreams – I’m off to figure out how to be more right brained ….down the rabbit hole! off with her head!


  280.  #280Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    @277: Boomer says:
    “…When the woman he lived with called me to explain the situation. Oh my. So I do my due diligence if I sniff anything fishy.
    I was so naive!!!…”

    Naive? What could you have done? Nothing… I think. These are the stories that give me “the willies…”


  281.  #281Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Oh, SLV, it is even weirder than what I said. But I was damaged. And a mess. And not at all healthy. He was one of the bad ones Rori talks about, and I was a vulnerable, broken woman. I was a ripe target. He is toxic at its most poisonous. And BRILLIANT, so he was so goooood at the deception. But I saw the weird signs, and I ignored them. But that was many many years ago. I don’t even remember being that woman.

    But yeah, some are real turds. I choose to be optimistic. I have met enough really wonderful men too. Just not my match in the ways I need. Optimism!

  282.  #282Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Thank you Daria for expressing your good intentions toward me. Boomer’s words – “take care of you and your daughter” (thanks Boomer) – illuminate the bottom line: a mother finds a way to take care of her own needs And her children’s needs – and sometimes that means some tough choices. There’s nothing truly limiting about limiting your actions for the purpose of love – and in that sense love is limitless and my ability to follow my passions is limitless. Freedom without responsibility (love) is not freedom.

  283.  #283turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Boomer, I had one guy who told me outrageous story after the other…. basically that he was really rich, educated, had paid a surrogate to give him a child, owned two huge homes, wanted to buy me a house, car,etc. The thing was though, you only saw pics of the outside of these homes and he wasn’t in them… anytime he sent a picture, he always said he was in someone else’s house, etc. Well, the thing was, he had a foot fetish, and he tried to get me to agree to letting him have sex with my feet in exchange for a really large amount of money, saying he did this all the time. I’m talking like 50 grand for meeting him everyday for a week. He lied about his name, had several cell phone numbers and different chat programs, it was all too crazy to be true, and it wasn’t. I couldn’t shake him, he’d keep popping back up with a new messenger name… so the guy I was dating at the time was a PI and I had him look him up. He was divorced, lived in a crappy little house 2 towns away from me…. He just popped back into my life a few months ago… and now he has a new baby, says she’s the best thing that ever happened to him. I asked about his other daughter… says her mother came back and claimed he wasn’t the father, did a paternity test and it was true. This was supposed to be a surrogate. LOL. I don’t know how some people even come up with these crazy stories!

  284.  #284Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    @282: Boomer says:
    “…And BRILLIANT, so he was so goooood at the deception. …”

    Well, I’ve experienced weird. It’s so disappointing when a very smart, witty one is charming you and then turns out to be thoroughly twisted. It’s such a waste.


  285.  #285Boomer on April 4, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Turquoise. Woooooooooooooooooooow.

    You win 🙂

  286.  #286Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Lol Jacqueline I wasn’t joking – if you want to understand what I was saying, use your left brain!!! Lol I don’t know how valid that test was, but I think you use more right than left overall on here. 😉

  287.  #287Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    @285: turquoise3 says:
    Well, the thing was, he had a foot fetish, and he tried to get me to agree to letting him have sex with my feet in exchange for a really large amount of money, saying he did this all the time. …”

    Wellll,,,, it could be worse. How about medical examination fetish, or anal fetish/strap-on fetish, or slapping fetish… I could go on…. dungeons…

    Scary, ain’t it? to say nothing of heartbreaking…


  288.  #288turquoise3 on April 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    LOL SLV, you are right, could have been worse. It wasn’t even the foot fetish part that threw me… it was that he really wanted me to believe that he spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on his fetish, and expected me to but it, let alone we willing to participate in that. Getting some extra cash would be great, but I would NEVER do anything illegal.

  289.  #289Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Yes, exactly, Camile – it was Your Interpretation. That was my point. Also, I most certainly did not imply that about Daria! I feel angry having such a thing attributed to me. You may have somehow falsely inferred it, but the implication was not there. I don’t want my words misconstrued.

  290.  #290Jacqueline on April 4, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Interesting self discovery stuff, Lucy so thank you for that – and go to sleep, btw!!! and let us know you’re fine tomorrow, ‘kay?

    I am so cracking up – these people sound mystified that I would try to change my environment? When it never occurred to me to do anything but?!

    And yeah – I need the big huge picture to understand these details and with the blog, two forums and lots of emails….don’t always get it. Or understand it.

    I do love it that everyone feels free to have their own viewpoint these days and it feels more open and able to breathe and able to just let people express. Good work all of us!! smile…

    The left side of the brain deals with things the way they are-with reality. When left brain students are affected by the environment, they usually adjust to it. Not so with right brain students. They try to change the environment!

    The left side of the brain processes information in a linear manner. It processes from part to whole. It takes pieces, lines them up, and arranges them in a logical order; then it draws conclusions. The right brain however, processes from whole to parts, holistically. It starts with the answer. It sees the big picture first, not the details. If you are right-brained, you may have difficulty following a lecture unless you are given the big picture first.

  291.  #291Senior Lady Vibe on April 4, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    It’s time for us to go to bed. Good night.


  292.  #292Emerson on April 4, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    re: 245 Turquiose 3 I have had the same thoughts/questions go through my mind. I’ve been wanting to reach out to one of my CDs because I know more now how to communicate, and before I was just pushing him away….but is that just another form of me being controlling? I’m curious about this.

    I’m trying to catch up on the blog but so many posts…did any replies come through to your questions?

    re: 249 Darling Ella…I’m so sorry about your son. 🙁 I work with special needs kids as my job, and every day I feel so much compassion for them as well as their brave parents. They are truly amazing and even after years of working in this field, I still get teary eyed all the time when driving home or when a kid leaves after treatment. It’s soo hard. I hope you can find a support network with other parents that share your experiences and struggles. Prayers and (((hugs))) to you. -Emerson

  293.  #293Lucy on April 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Darling Ella, (((HUGS))) dear girl! So sorry about your son. 🙁 Yes, raising a child with serious health issues is a very unique maternal pain. Two years ago when I got cancer – with an initially very poor prognosis – I was beyond grief about what would happen to my kids if I didn’t make it, especially my daughter. Prayers and love for you and your family. <3

  294.  #294Darling Ella on April 4, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    I feel sad that my post created animosity…

    I felt so deeply triggered reading about a child/a daughter being sick…and her life being a question mark…

    I recall voices telling me how my son and I are on a “borrowed time”…how cruel it felt to hear that…also how heartless it felt to be told “i feel sad for u” instead of “i feel sad” or “i feel sad with u”…sounds like pity…i reject pity…even self-pity…

    I feel judgmental towards the actions of some women…i judge them as spoiled brats…:(

    I wished I could have a mother and a father to help me…I wished I could afford to be sick…yes, that is a luxury for me…sometimes, I want to feel sick so I can rest…

    I feel judgmental toward ch*rch people cause I think they are hypocrites and yet, I feel compassion towards their blindness…Despite of all this, God never abandoned me…I feel special because of my experiences…maybe too special…:(

    Sigh…Please forgive me for my judgments…it is a start for me to heal a part of me I didn’t really explore…because it has been too painful to deal with…and very ashamed to share them…

  295.  #295Darling Ella on April 4, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Thank you Lucy…Big hug to you and your family as well…I will be thinking of you and your daughter tomorrow with prayers …

    Emerson, thank you, I really appreciate your kind words and understanding …

    Warm hugs,

  296.  #296Brenda on April 4, 2011 at 10:54 pm


    RE: #125 – You did a terrific job with feeling messages. I don’t understand a lot of what he was talking about, like about inexperience. Do you understand it? I have gotten to the place where I’m quick to ask what do you mean, to be sure there are no misunderstandings.

  297.  #297Brenda on April 5, 2011 at 12:26 am


    I just found a 100% free dating site:


    I still like bare bears!

  298.  #298Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 1:12 am

    I had a long weekend all for myself.
    I had a bad allergy due to some medicinal reaction.
    I stayed at home.
    I took rest
    I ate good food
    I slept
    I watched movies
    I took care of myself.
    Bad and bitter memories came rushing in.
    I didnt do anything
    X called me a number of times

    I didnt pick his call.
    He sent me a message asking how i am doing
    I didnt reply

    I got a freelance work for a couple of months. It is not so much work. But they pay me well. I am trying to refocus. Baby steps.
    I feel sad at time
    I feel bad
    and agitated
    and tiggered when I think about the things that happened.
    Each moment I tell myself that I love and accept myself and my past and my present.
    Life is good.
    Life will get better.
    and i will get the best

  299.  #299Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Alonka @ 224: that’s great, you were obviously meant to meet and go out with him!! I love this kind of organic meeting.

    Violet @ 228: I don’t have anything happening with any man at this moment either. I’m happy not to be in a relationship just now as I felt a bit drained from my last two relationships. But, coming on here and reading what the others are so kind to share about their dating experiences is all helping me to learn. Why not dedicate some time to focusing on you and plan things you enjoy doing and spend time with people who make you laugh and support you and that will naturally life your vibe. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and embrace being 55 and plan some wonderful things to do on your birthday. xx

  300.  #300Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 1:34 am

    Darling Ella @ 249: So sorry to hear about your son and sounds like you are an amazing mother despite the lack of support etc!! Sending you lots of love & hugs. xx

  301.  #301Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 1:53 am

    Queenbee @205: well done on your convo and feelings and practicing the tools, that was great to read and lovely to feel your positivity come out from the post!! Enjoy your ladies lunch today.

  302.  #302Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 1:55 am

    Meemee, you are doing great and I’m so happy you didn’t pick up his calls. This will make you stronger and give you the time you need to heal. Great news on the work front and fill your time with lots of lovely things for YOU! xx

  303.  #303kaitlyn on April 5, 2011 at 2:04 am

    I’m well-versed in meeting men online but much prefer meeting them organically. I’m done with meeting online. It will be interesting to see how the hell the next guy will meet me.

  304.  #304kaitlyn on April 5, 2011 at 2:05 am

    And the guy in the pic Rori posted is so NOT my type. lol. Go for it, Torquoise3!

  305.  #305kaitlyn on April 5, 2011 at 2:23 am

    Dear Universe, bring me my type of guy. Lanky, pale, my age, smart, smart, smart, smart, smart as a whip, clever, deviant…I’m sure I’ll have a more pinpoint list, but I’m trying to be open minded.

  306.  #306kaitlyn on April 5, 2011 at 2:28 am

    The ‘I’m all that’ tool came out sideways like squished anger between 2 slices of yummy pie bread today. I got dressed to the nines to run errands today, and every guy who noticed, I shot them down in my mind with ‘i’m all that…you suck, i’m all that…go to hell for you will poof once you know the real me, i’m all that…screw you, you’re probably a disappointment who can’t hold up to their word.’

  307.  #307kaitlyn on April 5, 2011 at 2:33 am

    Lucy, sending prayers. Reading this stuff backwards order, so just caught that news. Stay strong and wishes to you both.

  308.  #308Lercomari on April 5, 2011 at 2:44 am

    Hello Sirens, its been a while since I posted but I hope you all are doing wonderful. 🙂 This article is timely as I’ve met a couple guys online. I actually have a DATE on Thursday. omg! My first real date since college. lol. I’ll call him techie….he’s funny, interesting and he went to UCLA. I hope all goes well. I count it an advantage that we have talked on yahoo messenger some so I know some things about him ahead of time.
    Jonathan, thanks for your wonderful insight. Dating online can have its advantages.
    I still think about the banker, and even had a heartfelt talk with him over the weekend. I so badly want to be more than just his friend. But he is still not budging…so circular date I will. :

  309.  #309Izzy on April 5, 2011 at 3:39 am

    I was wondering about my use of feeling messages on my last conversation with ex. I said Iwas feeling bad that he posted a picture with his new gf a week after our breakup. He said he didn’t do nothing much. It felt like I was crazy that I was feeling bad, I didn’t have the right of feeling bad, because “it was no big deal”. He could have said “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I’m sorry”. Then he started attacking me pointing all the bad things about me. I know I have my issues, I feel judged having people pointing them at me. I want to feel supported and encouraged. I went to a vulnerable position and he seemed to have felt bigger and stronger and in position of attack. My conclusion: this is a guy that can’t hadle my feelings and it is good that he is out of my life. He wants to keep in touch, even with a new gf, so he probably likes me, but I think I will just use the “I don’t have the time for a male friend right now. This doesn’t feel good. I’m leaving now”. I’m enjoying this practice. Any thoughts about this?

  310.  #310Izzy on April 5, 2011 at 3:41 am



    Excellent. I will be quick to ask “what do you mean” on my next opportunity. Maybe I will just keep practicing on this guy a little bit more…

  311.  #311Izzy on April 5, 2011 at 4:47 am

    wow, look at the note from the Universe I got today:

    You’ve come a long way, Izzy, from the timid, shy soul you once were. Hiding out on distant planets, befriending alien tree forms, splashing in snow fed streams, and secretly planning your time on earth with a plan and all.

    So what do you say we drop all the practical logic, rational reasonableness, and cautious optimism, and give those tree forms something to talk about – before they start making stuff up.

    You know trees.

    I’m totally with you on this –
    The Universe

    It is time for me to get out of my shell. The messages keep coming!

  312.  #312Lilybelle on April 5, 2011 at 4:49 am

    Leaving on a jet plane…heading to 85 degree weather. It is 38 here now.

    I hope you all have a wonderful couple of days..You are all in my thoughts.


  313.  #313Violet on April 5, 2011 at 4:56 am

    I wrote a post here, yesterday. I looked today to see if there was a response and my post is gone.

    This isn’t the first time this has happened.

    I didn’t think a post could get deleted?

    Anyways…. I’m starting today with a clean slate.

    I don’t feel as sad as I did Saturday Night. I went to a dance at the place where I met ‘W’. I cried thinking that I might not have another chance at love.

    Today is a new day and I will treat it as such.


  314.  #314Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 5:19 am

    Even when I get on to my horse and ride, even when I keep myself busy doing things, even when I try to do things that make me happy, even when I take care of myself in a most dignified way, even after I have seen and experienced everything, why does it hurt a lot?
    why do i cry at times when I think of X?
    Why do I feel so low when i realize that things will never be the same again?
    Why do i feel so upset when i realize that nothing has changed.
    why do I get horrified at the fact that he exists?

    Why do i feel so immensely sad?
    Is there anything wrong with me?
    Or is it natural?
    I feel low. really really low.
    This moment.
    But this moment will pass.
    I will feel my stronger moments
    I will feel my good moments
    But why do bad moments and bad memories rush in?

  315.  #315Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 5:20 am

    OK, so I’m just thinking about the small things I have done today so far that have lifted my vibe:
    1. Gave myself a pedicure while on a 2 hr TC this morning as I was just listening/watching the screen. Multi-tasking!
    2. Went for a 10K run and it boosted my endorphins.
    3. Put geranium oil in my moisturiser to uplift me and smell great.
    4. Put some lemongrass oil in a burner to create a beautiful fresh uplifting scent around the house.
    5. Sent my cheque off for a charity ball in May.

    Now I need to find a new dress for the ball. I plan to be the belle/Siren of the ball. All good stuff and all for ME! xx

  316.  #316Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 5:22 am

    I go crazy when I feel sad.
    Its like, even after all this traumatic experience I have feelings that make me cry.
    Its like even after all this I am expecting X to see light which he will not.
    My sadness makes me feel that things are unsettled.
    My sadness makes me feel that he still has a place in my head and heart.
    Yet i dont want to resist my sadness
    I dont want to bypass my sadness
    But what do i do with my sadness?

    what do i do with this lingering sadness??


  317.  #317Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Meemee: the sadness will pass and it will get easier. You will have days that feel easy and other days not so easy and that’s why it’s so important to focus on yourself and lifting your self estemm and your vibe. Some days it’s more of a struggle but it’s another step in the right direction. You are still healing and that takes time but it’s also important to process your feelings and be kind and patient with yourself. xx

  318.  #318Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 5:33 am

    There are days like this you know:
    You go to take a nap but wake up after what seemed like ages, after a disgustingly prolonged sleep.
    You feel the world has come to an end.
    In the sleep you were having dreams about everything you would have not thought about when you are awake.
    You get up and go to the window. and you see the setting sun. That gives a deep pricking feeling.
    You feel you lost everything
    You feel the happy days are gone

    You wish you could undo the past
    You get more upset when you think that you cant undo anything
    You want to grab your nerves
    But you feel too low.
    You feel sad bad and mad
    You are reminded of the years you wasted
    You are reminded of the trees that gone dry even after you watered and nourished them a lot.
    Then you hear that sick voice in your head “Happiness can not be found anymore”
    How do you deal with that irritating voice?
    How do you deal with that moment when you feel life does not exist for you anymore?
    You know that voice is wrong
    You want to squeeze that voice in your head
    But feel unable to do that.
    What do you do!!!!!

  319.  #319Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 5:41 am

    I have days where i feel hopeful.
    I have days where I feel doomed.
    I should learn to embrace both.
    I should learn to contain both.
    May be the trick is to extract all goodness from the good days so that I can survive bad days?

  320.  #320Ladybird on April 5, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Meemee: there is a saying that goes something like:
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    Today is the present and that’s why they call it a gift
    We can’t change the past but we can look forward to what surprises the future has for us and we can appreciate the good things we do have today. xx

  321.  #321Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 5:45 am

    I am reminded of that sentence about happiness from the book/movie “The Hours”
    One day getting up at dawn there is such a sense of possibility, you know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: this is where it starts. This is the beginning of happiness. And there will always be more. But it never occured again. Now I realize that was not the beginning of happiness. THAT WAS HAPPINESS. that moment. Right then.

  322.  #322Lilybelle on April 5, 2011 at 5:56 am


    I wold encourage you to feel your sadness, that is where true healing can take place. When you let it out in the “howling”, crled up in the fetal position, crying your eyes out. THAT is where healing happens and it is so very cleansing.

    When I found myself on the floor of my kitchen, out of the blue, sobbing hysterically, a very wise woman told me there is no time frame to feeling the pain and to stopping the tears. The key is to feel it, not to push it down, but to really feel it.

    It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t mean you aren’t strong, it doesn’t mean anything negative at all. It simply means it is you, doing the work you need to do, to get to a place where you feel better and heal. And, trust me on this, it does get better. I feel sadness still, but the key is that I FEEL it, acknowledge, figure out where it’s coming from, deal with it and then let it go. It is a process…and it is babysteps.

    Even when you feel like you have taken steps forward and then suddenly take a step backwards, it really isn’t backwards..it’s another step forward, as long as you take the time to really feel it.

    I feel good things are coming to you and I feel so proud that you are not answering X’s calls or texts. Feel strong about that, Meemee. You are doing incredibly well.

    And, I love that you are sharing here.

  323.  #323Luzydel on April 5, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Good morning sirens,

    This guy E replied to the email, he asked me to meet tomorrow, unfortunately I have my son and so sitter in such a short time. I want to see him again and see why some of thses men come back, but tomorrow is almos imposible. I need to find a way to tell him that I want to see him, but tomorow is not a good time for me, I don’t want to sound like a business man.

    D texted me yesterday, he is starting the chase again after backing up. We’ll see what develops. Lol.

  324.  #324Luzydel on April 5, 2011 at 6:15 am

    Sorry I meant without a sitter

  325.  #325Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Meemee “May be the trick is to extract all goodness from the good days so that I can survive bad days?”

    Meemee I believe the trick is extracting the goodness in each moment. The present moment is all we have. I have learnt to build a practice to breathe and visualize a happy moment from the past that puts me in a good mood. I also have the picture of a baby by my computer because kids make me feel happy. Certain scents and colors make me feel happy so I look for times when I can put these things around me, just breathe and be in the moment. Can I encourage you to find something that really speaks to you and makes you happy and use that?

  326.  #326Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:26 am

    Luzydel maybe “it would feel good to see on Thursday at 7:00 p.m.”, whatever works for you. He is proposing what works for him but remember you are a busy hot chick, you are not immediately ready at his beck and call, that is unattractive. Keeping him waiting a bit, because you are busy, will keep him thinking about you a bit longer.

  327.  #327Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:30 am


    As long as there is life there is hope. I almost lost my father on Friday. I woke up feeling really really sad and couldn’t figure out what it was about. I initally thought it was because I was wanting my dream man but then I thought of my father so I decided to visit him earlier. What greeted me at the hospital reminded me that each moment I live with what I have in that moment is more valuable to me than what I can create in the future. You have yourself right now that will always be with you and that you can pour all your love on.

  328.  #328Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:34 am

    RE 317 Meemee do you think it is because you want him to pay for hurting you? Is there something you can focus on to forgive yourself and ultimately forgive him so that you can move on with your life? Forgiveness is really freeing. It is a choice you can make regardless of him or anything else even while feeling your feelings around the situation. It can be intellectual and saying it out loud into the atmosphere until you can bring your heart to embrace it. He does not deserve it, you deserve it because it will free you. It will allow you to really feel the hurt feelings and pity him at the same time.

  329.  #329Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Violet do you remember if you saw your post after you had sent it? Sometimes I see mine “In Moderation”.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:39 am

    RE 311 Lercomari please stay away from trying to convince him about how he should “feel”.

  331.  #331Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Violet is 228 the comments you are referring to?

  332.  #332turquoise3 on April 5, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Kaitlyn, I’ll send the tall, lanky, pale ones your way… you send me the muscular/broad shouldered, dark haired ones my way. Ok? 🙂 Thank goodness we all have different types. lol.

    I liked your description of how the “all that” tool came out sideways… sometimes I feel like I do that too… I TRY to apply something, but it doesn’t come out the way it should.

    Todd called last night, we talked for awhile, but I really need to learn to stick to the 20 min. rule. We were on the phone for over an hour, and he gave me way too much information about his ex wife, how lousy she is to their kids, etc. Was kind of a turn off. Not that I wouldn’t want to know all that eventually…. but before we’ve even met, just TMI. He talked A LOT…. so I practiced listening at level 2(is that the right term?) Not interrupting, used a few feeling messages, but that is still hard for me.

    Ok, off to take Caitlyn to the dr. if it’s nothing too serious, she’ll go to her grams and I’ll head to work, if not… I’m kind of looking forward to a day at home with my baby… snuggled up on the couch. 🙂 Happy Tuesday sirens….

  333.  #333Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE 312 Izzy I heard in one of CCarter’s Interviews with Relationship Experts that is a hostile tactic some guys use to stall as long as humanly possible in order not to commit. She also said that in negotiations the person who is unable to leave the table will always lose. In as much as leaving also creates the opportunity for the other person to leave as well I am now willing to walk away. I understand that it is human nature to want what you can’t have so it is best to keep your options open to the point where you are willing to walk away.

  334.  #334Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:48 am

    RE 336 Do you think this could be a person who uses blame and criticism?

  335.  #335Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 6:51 am

    kaitlyn it is coming out and I also sense maybe like in your younger days when you really believed, thought and felt like you were smoking hot.

  336.  #336Mel on April 5, 2011 at 6:55 am

    So hubby is coming back this afternoon, after 5 days away. I’m feeling really anxious about his return though. What could that be about? I’m happy to have him back, but it’s like my body is preparing for some drama or something. I missed him while he was away, but I must say there was a certain peace in his absence. Confused. Maybe my body is just sick of the emotional stress? I need to take better care of her!

  337.  #337Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 7:01 am

    My parents have been complaining that I am not visiting them. I want to go and meet them and stay with them. But I really do not feel like going and meeting them untill i am in a better shape.
    Have been feeling confused.
    I want to feel better before I go and visit them.
    But I feel bad when mom shouts at me saying that I am ignoring them.
    I am tempted to feel gulity.
    But I want to take care of myself without feeling guilty.

  338.  #338Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Lucy I have to let you know sometimes it gets tiresome and boring for me to “fight” with some people so I just drop it because IMHO it is not worth it. The important thing is your heart is in a good place. Since I have been here I have felt it though at times I might have questioned that but I embraced that feeling as my own issue. Take care of your kids, take care of yourself and I really wish all turns out the best for you. My prayers are with you and I feel loving feelings towards you.

  339.  #339Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:02 am

    Meemee could you just share that you are not feeling well right now and that you will visit as soon as you feel up to it? I would also share with her that the shouting makes me feel awful and not open to visiting.

  340.  #340Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Meemee I also sense that your mother must be feeling those sad feelings you are going through. For some reason this happens with mothers, maybe that is why she is shouting because she does not know what is happening with you??

  341.  #341Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Good morning ladies 🙂

    Well…FW..i’m glad things are going better with your dad…
    Darling Ella…thank you for sharing about your son
    and Lucy…hope you have a good day today

    and Loneplum…thank you for sharing your story

    Camile…hey there…it was so sweet of you to ask about me 🙂 i hope you have a good day too and can rest with your daughter when you get back from the Dr’s

    just an update…things feel just as good with hotpilot! 🙂 we are having a lot of fun with each other…he asked me to stay the night last Friday and i said yes but that i wasn’t ready to have sex yet and he was surprised and thought he was the one holding up the show lol and i said nope…but that i felt happy i didn’t feel pressure to have sex and he seemed to like that i wasn’t ready and willing to have sex just because he said he was ready…and then it got REALLY hot and steamy!! lol

    and then he went on a 4 day trip…so we still have amazing sexual tension 😉 and he gets back tonight and wants to come over even though it will be kinda late…it feels good to be with him and when i am not with him…yay! he calls everyday…he wants to do a trip this weekend…so we’ll see..

  342.  #342Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:04 am

    Mel could it be guilt or jugdgement because you were feeling peace?

  343.  #343Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Hey Jilly its great to see you back. Just last night I was thinking things must be going great with you why you were absent.

  344.  #344Mel on April 5, 2011 at 7:10 am


    Hmmm… maybe.

    I think perhaps it’s because things still feel so “unsure” between us. I don’t feel as though our relationship is safe if you know what I mean.. maybe I don’t even know what I mean. Not feeling secure in the relationship is unsettling and causes me great stress. With him away, it’s like I could just relax about that a bit.

  345.  #345Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 7:13 am

    oh ya…and that morning that i stayed he walked into the room with his uniform on and OMGOMG!! lol i might have started drooling lol…jk but YUMMY!!! i feel soooo attracted to him on all levels…but at the same time i definitely don’t have him on a pedestal or think he is too good for me or that kind of thing…i check myself with that…and i am still feeling him out and am willing to leave if it’s not what i want

    by his bedstand was an investment book and eckhart tolle’s the power of now….i love that book…i felt surprised and happy that he likes it too

    i just feel happy and it feels good 🙂

  346.  #346Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:15 am

    RE 249 DE I feel you really authentically maybe for the first time in this post. My heart goes out to you. I also feel that this experience is for a special purpose. I am sure you son is a blessing in your life also just that you might not have realized what that blessing is as yet. IMHO the experience could prove to a man your loyalty and your fortitude in tough situations. Your true soulmate will be able to see your resilience in the situation and not be put off by it. Though I would recommend bringing it up early on in a relationship, I can see how the experience can really paint your humanity for someone to feel you. All the best to you are your son.

  347.  #347Lorelei on April 5, 2011 at 7:17 am

    I had a date with a new CD at the weekend, let’s call him DevMan. He’s divorced and during much of his marriage he was the stay-at-home house husband and the more involved parent. He’s a radical feminist in many ways. And very manly in others.

    But, twice now, after a date, he’s texted me to say “What do you think? What do you want to do next?”

    I reply with feeling messages that it felt good to meet him, felt good to talk; that I’m old-fashined and feel more feminine when the man suggests what to do, feel funny being the one to arrange the next date, and feel better if the man asks me, etc and etc.

    And one he picked up on it, now he seems to be ignoring it. It feels weird to be pushed so hard about whether I want to see him again, and what we should do next . . .

    Do I just go on repeating myself?

  348.  #348Lercomari on April 5, 2011 at 7:19 am

    @FeminineWoman 333

    No I wasn’t trying to tell him how to feel. It was more me telling him how I felt. At least I’m glad that I talked to him because I had started to feel like he was stringing me along for fun. But now I know that’s not the case, and he’s just not ready to transition right now. So I respect that and I’m looking elsewhere.
    Ladies, I do have a question though about circular dating. Is there a very specific way to do it that can only be learned through Targeting Mr. Right, or is it basically dating multiple men at once and using Rori’s tools on each date? I have the HtRYW ebook but not the TMR series. Thanks bunches.

  349.  #349Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Mel do you know what he could do to help you feel less stress? Do you know what you could do to help yourself? He will feel the stressful feelings coming from you so IMHO the peaceful sensations are good and would be great if you could allow your mind to make this the positve emotional override.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:22 am

    RE 349 jilly that sounds like a man who is on his own growth path.

  351.  #351Lercomari on April 5, 2011 at 7:23 am

    @Jilly 249

    I think I missed your earlier post..is it your pilot that walked into the room with his uniform on? If so then I am sooo feeling you on the attraction thing. lol. Very sexy! I’m glad you’re happy..happy is a wonderful feelng. 🙂

  352.  #352Mel on April 5, 2011 at 7:27 am

    The stress is mostly because he’s not “sure” about us anymore and although he wants to try to make things work, he’s still figuring things out.

    I’m the type of person that doesn’t function well in uncertainty. So I’m not really sure what he could do to ease the stress, because I know I can’t make him feel or do anything. I just have to let things be for now.

    As for what I could do… I’m still exploring that.

  353.  #353Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 7:27 am

    awww…thanks FW 🙂 well i have been keeping up on the blog and i was having mixed feelings about posting..i wasn’t feeling grounded in myself… so i just sat with those feelings

    i went to the chiropractor yesterday and he did some EFT stuff on me and adjusted me and i feel soooo much better and more like myself…some stuff came up about pipeliner and i apparently had some shame and guilt about not making it work with him…who would have known? i feel sadness about it still but i know i do not ever want to do a long distance relationship again

  354.  #354Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:29 am

    RE 351 I say yes Lorelei. Repeat it as if it is the first time you are saying just with the tweak of finding other ways to say it as in “I feel happy with a man who takes charge. I want a manly man who loves to take charge. I feel safe with a take charge man”. Or maybe “I remember falling crazy in love with this place I went out dancing some years ago”. “I am passionate about sitting on the beach and listening to the soft ebb and flow of the water. It helps me to feel peaceful and happy”. Is it that he is not clear about the things you like or was he with a woman who was very masculine? He will take time to learn how to be with you and unlearn what he learnt before.

  355.  #355Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 7:29 am

    I called my mom. she asked me again when I am visiting. I told her i am feeling unwell and also i have this bad allergic hives that i cant travel 15 hours in a bus. she got really angry, and said may be i am going to the wrong doctor or i should go home and see some doctors there. I feel slightly pissed. I dont like it when people say such things when i am already ill. Then she said “as you wish, do things as you please”. I didnt want to make things more unpleasant. i said i will call her later in the night and hung up

  356.  #356Meemee on April 5, 2011 at 7:31 am

    I feel unpleasant about the conversation with mom. I wonder why she behaves like this everytime i go through a bad phase!!!

  357.  #357Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:33 am

    RE 356 Mel can I recommend that you try to be comfortable with the uncertainty? I have heard Rori and CCarter talk about that as it relates to single folks but am not sure how it would work with married ones. I imagine that it is similar because certainty is really wanting our reality to match up with our ideal that we have in our mind. It is really not allowing the other person to really take the lead. I also get the sense that Rori teaches that when are with us, especially if they are married to us they really are not going anywhere. So now I am wondering if you could just try to believe what he says. Can you remember the things that he recently shared with you and just accept them.

  358.  #358Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Meemee I imagine that if she is the masculine type she might be feeling helpless not being to fix things for you.

  359.  #359Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Meemee could you use some of the communicating ways that is recommended here with your mom. As in “thank you mom for your understanding, I really appreciate it”?

  360.  #360Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 7:40 am

    DE…i agree with Femininewoman in post 350…your true soulmate will see you for who you are…a beautiful caring loving woman

    Mel ((((hugs)))) yes the uncertainty is soo nerve racking…i wish there was something that could make that better for you…

    Lercomari 🙂 thank you yes it was “my” pilot lol that walked into the room…and i was like DAMN! (in my head of course ) 😉 and as far as circular dating…i never bought targeting Mr. right but if i could i would…committment blueprint is next on my list….but ya i would say just date as much as you can for your own healing not for any other reason…(not to find Mr. Right) but to express yourself as authentically as you can in all different situations..you really can’t do it wrong 🙂

  361.  #361Mel on April 5, 2011 at 7:45 am

    RE: 361

    I do try to believe what he says, but it’s very hard sometimes. I was finally feeling like I could trust him again… and then he lied to me about working late- but was really out dancing… and now that trust is a bit broken, which causes anxiety.

    I guess I’m just having a hard time knowing what I can trust and what I can’t. I feel like my once “secure” world is not so safe anymore. But I know this is about control, which is just an illusion that I will never actually have.

    I know I need to just let this all go and decide that I’m going to be happy no matter what.

  362.  #362Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 7:46 am

    lorelie…yes sounds like you know what you are doing 🙂 and i would just keep expressing my feelings and want’s and don’t want’s…this is good practice lol sounds a bit draining though…

  363.  #363Izzy on April 5, 2011 at 7:47 am

    RE 337: Femininewoman

    I already walked away. We broke up a month ago. This was our first conversation after break up. He has new gf already. I don’t understand why he is investing energy in talking to me like that. I was there for the practice. I don’t expect anything from him, just practice. Should I have said anything different? I wish I had said something like this:

    “I’m feeling tired. I do not like feeling judged and misunderstood. It makes me feel shut down, shrinking, disconnected. I want to feel accepted and supported to expand and connect. I feel a great inner strength and feel that I am already on my way to getting what I want. I don’t want to stay where I don’t feel good. I’ll go do something fun to feel better. I am leaving the chat.”

  364.  #364LD on April 5, 2011 at 7:51 am

    ha ha oh be careful what you wish for, I say. Last week I said I’d really like to experience what it’s like to actually feel attracted to 2 CDs at the same time, and it happened last night.

    Had a first date with a guy (I’ll call him HotArmyGuy because he’s def one of the more handsome men I’ve been out with.) I’ve been talking to online and it was one of those dates where the conversation is so good that all of a sudden you look up and its 1AM before you realize it and everyone in the bar has gone home and they’re closing the place up. We had so much in common it felt really good.

    He walked me to my car and kissed me and WOW! He turned and walked to his car and stopped in his tracks halfway and came back and kissed me again! Amazing chemistry. He has already asked me for a 2nd date.

    MinisterCD was burning my phone up all night and this morning. I think he sensed my focus was not on him. He’s definitely got competition now. I feel attracted to both of them…

    My vibe has been lifted a little. It feels so amazing that I asked for this just last week and it’s already here.

    Hmmm if it works that well then let me add it would feel really really great to win millions of dollars in the lottery. : )

  365.  #365Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:03 am

    RE 365 Mel I am wondering if you shared that the trust is broken and that you will need time and experience to rebuild that?

  366.  #366Renie on April 5, 2011 at 8:03 am

    Here’s something I’m feeling weird about…one of my CD’s, The Engineer, is a very sweet man. He doesn’t put on a macho air or exude a lot of bravado, etc. but he isn’t wimpy or feminine either. It’s a nice balance that feels good to me! Especially since I’ve always been attracted to the more alpha male type. Anyway, I have the weirdest “vibe” sometimes. I know txting isn’t a great mode of communication but we do it during the day and evening when we are busy at work, with our kids, etc. And for some reason I get this “player” vibe from his texts. But in person, he is sooooooo not the “player” type! You know how (most of the time) you can just tell? He’s been very good at talking and communicating openly. He has responded to my feeling statements in the desired manner. He is pursuing me, I’m leaning back. So I can’t figure out why I get that player vibe sometimes! I know I don’t need to think about it or be concerned about it. Do you Sirens believe there is anything “to” these sorts of random feelings/vibes or do y ou think it’s just in my head? I’m trying to get out of my head…LOL

  367.  #367LD on April 5, 2011 at 8:11 am


    I think that some men feel bolder in texts and that can come across as playerish. My MinisterCD gets pretty sexual in text and he’s not that way on the phone or in person. I think they just feel more confident expressing their flirtatious sides via text. The fear of rejection or ridicule is so much lower when someone isn’t looking right at you.

    If it offends you, you can give him a feeling message that says you prefer phone calls to texts.

  368.  #368Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 8:19 am

    LD…i was just wondering about you and how it was going the minister man…and i love that…hotarmyguy turned around and came back for another kiss??!!! that sounds sexy!! yum! 🙂

    Renie…i get that you are curious about it…but ya you’re right…you don’t need to worry about it…until/unless something happens that is close or crosses your boundary…does it feel kind of exciting when you get those feelings? i feel a little curious about that?

  369.  #369Renie on April 5, 2011 at 8:30 am

    LD, I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s easier to be “bold” via text than in person or on phone. Because he is never that forward in person! LOL.. It kinda feels like I’m dealing with 2 different people. In person he’s more “feminine” that what I’m used to. He’s always asking what I think, what I want, what I want to do, where I want to go, etc. I get the impression his ex wife was the domineering type, so I guess this is what he is used to or thinks is the norm. And then via texting, it’s like his more mischievous side comes out. LOL…

    The OTHER thing that gives me this vibe is that he will txt, txt, txt constantly for a period of time and then “drop off the radar” for hours. Of course I don’t reach out to him in any way, and he always calls or whatever eventually. And I know I have to trust and not worry about it or dump my baggage from previous relationships on him, but I have an ex who would be unreachable for hours at a time (of course back then I called to check!) and he would have “forgotten his phone” or “phone died” or whatever. And later on I found out he was doing things with other women whenever sometimes when he was unreachable. And sometimes he really had just forgotten it b/c he was kinda scatterbrained and forgetful. LOL. So I”m assigning my past experience to this guy, and I really have to reason to and it feels bad to me and I don’t want to feel that way. Any suggestions on how not to assign an ex’s behavior to a new guy, just because something seems familiar?

  370.  #370Lorelei on April 5, 2011 at 8:31 am

    358 – FW, and 366, Jilly

    Thanks both – yes, I’m not sure if he is used to very masculine women . . and he’s quite manly in his conversation. Anyway, it is just a bit draining going on expressing the same things! I will, though.

  371.  #371Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 8:36 am

    just something interesting…CC in casual to committed talks about how you can find out a lot about a man by talking about other relatioships…well hotpilot and i seem to talk alot about my roommate (she is not a RR girl but she is CD’ing on her own!!) but there is a lot of disfunction and he asks a lot of questions about it…and i love his take on things and the way he thinks about it…he is such a good guy and sometimes he doesn’t want to say the truth in a harsh way so he tries to tone it down (and it’s not even about me lol)

    and yes FW…he is on his own growth path and i love that…it feels refreshing and its very attractive to me

  372.  #372Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:37 am

    RE 373 Renie I don’t know if you got Rori’s latest email but it conveys that in the first 3 months guys are on their best behavior. As such I would not dismiss the feeling because it could be your intuition warning you. IMHO his dropping off the radar is maybe his “normal” self. I have heard CCarter suggest that guys on a date will show you who they are but when you ask questions that get them into their emotional body as in “do you believe in love and family or do you enjoy your job” they might for forget their date face for a minute and go into their emotional body and almost put on a different face in responding to you. Then when they catch themselves they pull themselves back and kind of start over new as in “hi” I am such as such. That is not to say that you should not dump your previous experiences on this guy. It is just saying you are doing well paying attention to your feelings and that it should not be dismissed, even if it is to heal yourself from the past experiences. I am wondering if sharing the feeling about the “player” vibe would be wise? I would guess that if you are feeling any uncertainty around it, he would be feeling it also.

  373.  #373Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:39 am

    jilly do you get CCarter’s Interviews? I am trying to share something from the one with Lauren Frances for Renie’s situation and was wondering if you could put your take on it also. They suggested that guys have a date face and sometimes go back and forth depending in the conversation.

  374.  #374LD on April 5, 2011 at 8:40 am


    There are alot of reasons a man might go off the radar after a texting session. Maybe he went to run errands, took a nap, watch a movie, a meeting at work, read a book, yardwork, house project, play with his kids, sports, etc. (or maybe you brought out his mischievous side so much he had to go ummm you know….. take care of things…. lol ) I wouldn’t put too much stock into it unless hours turns to days or weeks.

    Keep ypurself busy with other CDs and doing things for yourself so that you don’t spend time wondering where any man is if you don’t hear from them for a few hours. Sometimes I get so busy I couldn’t even tell you how long its been since I heard from a CD.

  375.  #375LD on April 5, 2011 at 8:44 am


    yes, it was SEXY- like something from a movie. He gave me this really soft, sweet goodnight kiss, turned away and walked about 100 yards and then stopped and turned and came back just as I was getting into my car and pulled me to him and gave me a deep, passionate, romantic kiss with one hand on my waist and the other in my hair holding the back of my neck. I think I just stood there speechless for a minute. YUMMY!

  376.  #376Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:45 am

    LD personally I believe that communicating twice per day is more realistic because in the long term the intensity ultimately dies down a bit. I am wondering if saying something to the effect that says I would love to hear from you once or twice per day to let me know you are thinking about me would work? It seems a bit controlling but I am aware how some guys intially actions have gotten me addicted and has helped to build up expectations for me. Then the disappointment has set in. As Guy Blews says Expectation is the Mother of Disaster.

  377.  #377Renie on April 5, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Feminine woman re: 376 – I understand what you are saying. But he hasn’t done anything “wrong”. LIke I said…he always pulls through and hasn’t let me down yet! LOL… And I don’t reach out to him. Besides, we aren’t in a committed relationship and I’m CDing so who cares if he is CDing also? Right? Yet I can’t get over that familiar feeling. Even though it’s from my pre-RR days when I did practically EVERYTHING wrong! LOL

    I can look back now and see the mistakes I made in chasing after men and ending up in relationships with them and how awful they were and see that if I had leaned back and not picked up the ball, those clowns would’ve never pursued me and I would have been so much better off. Do you Sirens do that also? For me, it makes leaning back and doing nothing SO much easier because I know if they don’t pick up the ball, they aren’t worth my time & energy. Wish I had learned this long ago. Would’ve saved a LOT of heartache!

  378.  #378Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:46 am

    RE 379 LD that was him telling you how good you helped him to feel about himself. Congrats.

  379.  #379Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 8:49 am

    RE 381 Renie I am just like you. About the feeling, it is just that I have heard some many coaches say that our intuition is usually directing us but most of the times we don’t pay attention to it and try to shut it down. All I am saying is just continue paying attention and trusting your feelings. I do believe you seem to be doing a good job at it, even if you are uncertain about what it is.

  380.  #380Renie on April 5, 2011 at 8:50 am

    LD….ooohhhh!!! That comeback kiss DOES sound like a movie scene! Wow, I would’ve melted like butter. I LOVE it when a man holds my head or face when he kisses me. Yummy is right!

  381.  #381Leo on April 5, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Hi you beautiful Ladies!

    I just felt like dropping in and catching up a little. I haven been on here for a couple of weeks.
    And I just felt like sharing…

    I have a semester break right now and actually no exam coming up for once. The weather is getting better and better and I am enjoying myself big time. There was some major change going on with me and my Man in the past months, and especially the past weeks.
    He stopped working night shifts and started to relax big time. There were more and more situations when our time together was so enjoyable for me as it used to be. But still there were some problems.
    I have gotten so insecure around him for I had been trying to “create” those good times through pampering him, acting in a way that might not upset him. This clearly didnt make him happy either and it never worked out for long.
    Then like 5 or 6 weeks ago I came to his place after I stayed at my parents for a week. I got pretty sick then.
    And here I felt the impact of how simply leaning back is working out so great. I wasnt able to do much around the house, well, he just did it, or it didnt get cleaned/picked up/washed for 2 days. I was too sick to care. He looooved taking care of me though. And he also got soo much more affectionate, too.
    So in the past 4 weeks I have been leaning back and enjoying myself and my free time so much. I wait till he asks me to come over for a couple days, but also leave when I feel like it. He needs some days off of me and to himself (for he has to work right now). And I am finally at the point where I am looking forward to those 3 or 4 days at my place too. To sit at the computer all day, or do my sports by myself.
    And even thouhg we only have like 3 or 4 days break from each other, we both feel sooo happy to see each other again when we do.

    And this last weekend… I am still smiling when I think of it. (Although I have to admit the the AWESOME weather should get some credit for it too).

    On saturday we were out all day biking (be both bike as a sport). We did like 100miles but with a couple breaks (which we usually dont do). We were drinking a good beer or eating something and enjoying ourselves big time. He actually stopped like 3 or 4 times at an intersection ONLY to get a kiss from me (i used to initiate those moments). I felt soooo thrilled. He just stopped…to get a kiss. 😀
    And for we got home so late we werent able to get groceries for Sunday (for there the stores are closed) so he just said: we’ll go out to eat.
    And on Sunday he told me not to eat breakfast (it was already 10a.m.) and at noon we left. I didnt know where we were going, he said it was a surprise. And it was. We went to an Italian Restaurant for I had playfully complained about the fact that we havent been out eating a great Pizza since our first date 3 years ago.
    It was such an awesome lunch. He ordered a great bottle of wine (we are both into wine) and was just the cutest man ever. I really and truely felt like on our first date (which was 3 years and one week ago). I was so nervous, we were chatting and laughing and giggleing so much.
    And the day just kept going like this…

    I am sorry that my entry got so long. I just felt like sharing this with you.

    I cant even say that I earned those changes by practicing some or all of Rori’s great tools. I dont really know what created this change in me. But one thing I know… she and her way made me think about myself, big time.
    And I feel just so truely happy right now.
    And I will keep working on (making) myself (happy) !!!

    Greets to all!

  382.  #382Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 8:53 am


    “wow, look at the note from the Universe I got today:

    You’ve come a long way, Izzy, from the timid, shy soul you once were. Hiding out on distant planets, befriending alien tree forms, splashing in snow fed streams, and secretly planning your time on earth with a plan and all.

    So what do you say we drop all the practical logic, rational reasonableness, and cautious optimism, and give those tree forms something to talk about – before they start making stuff up.

    You know trees.

    I’m totally with you on this –
    The Universe

    It is time for me to get out of my shell. The messages keep coming!”

    This is awesome. I have not chatted with you here or followed you much, but I love this. You are so cute and yes, you seem like your personal wisdom is kicking in! We all have it–we just have to listen.

  383.  #383Lercomari on April 5, 2011 at 8:55 am

    @Jilly 364

    Thanks for your advice. 🙂 I will review HtRYW today so I can go into this a bit more confidently. I seriously haven’t been on a date in like 8 or 9 years…this is so scary and exciting at the same time. 🙂

  384.  #384life_is_too_short_to... on April 5, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Hi All,

    First let me echo what Jilly said

    Well…FW..i’m glad things are going better with your dad…
    Darling Ella…thank you for sharing about your son
    and Lucy…hope you have a good day today

    and Loneplum…thank you for sharing your story

    also, thanks to Jacqueline for chatting with me Saturday, it gave me some good things to sit with…


    yup, it’s official, i have no choice but to stay true to myself. I just can’t let myself do anything but that. I would want any man I am dating to rise to my standards. No more physical past petting unless the profiles are hidden. The longer he waits, the greater the odds. indicates some kind of reluctance, or narcissism. am not afraid of losing anyone. because I have my self. and there are plenty of fish that would be beyond thrilled to do just that. Life goes on! as George Harrison sang, within you, and without you.


  385.  #385Lercomari on April 5, 2011 at 9:01 am

    My friend posted this on her Facebook wall today and I love it…so timely for me:

    But do not hurry the journey at all. / Better if it lasts for years / so you are old by the time you reach the island / wealthy with all you have gained on the way
    — Constantine Cavafy

  386.  #386LD on April 5, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I also found this so cool about hotarmyguy last night. He said he found it so refreshing that I was so unbelievably feminine. He said “Chivalry is not dead, but there are a lot of women out there trying to kill it by trying to be too much like men.” He loved the fact that I just leaned back in feminine mode and let him take care of me. It felt so nice and relaxing….

  387.  #387Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Lercomari some questions a coach recomends asking on a first date

    1. Do you enjoy your work?
    2. Do you want to thumb wrestle?
    3. Have you had sex with a replublican? To discuss two hot topics.
    4. Have you ever taken care of anything that requires air to survive?

    and the heartache prevention question “So Bob, why aren’t you married yet?”.

    Just remember the context has to be right for it so it flows naturally. I understand that guys will be willing to answer such questions and tell the truth about themselves on the first date. I have to admit that I have only experimented with the first and last one on a first date. The sex one I have adjusted a bit to find out how open he was to discussing the topic. I understand that it is a topic that girls don’t normally like to discuss but guys find it refreshing when a girl is willing to bring it up.

  388.  #388Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Lercomari also lean back and let him talk as much as he wants to about himself. I found that I would talk about myself and how I did not like certain parts of me. I now know that I should focus on him because I already know myself and first dates are for having fun and finding out about the guy.

  389.  #389Renie on April 5, 2011 at 9:11 am

    LD, doesn’t it feel great when you get feedback like that from hotarmyguy and know the RR way really does work? I know it feels great to me when that happens. I’ve been told things like “I feel so comfortable and at ease around you” and “I feel so good when I’m around you” and “I love how feminine & girly you are”. You know it has to be right when a man comes out with a FEELING statement of his own, right? LOL.

  390.  #390tinque on April 5, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Jilly – Are you still here? I’ve been waiting for you to show. Love, love, love the lashes. YAY…


  391.  #391Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:39 am

    It turns out that men want more than just sex. They want admiration, too. Men who are admired by their wives are more likely to remain faithful and never stray.

    Unfortunately, this quality of admiration receives little attention in current discussions about relationships. Many women have come to believe that by openly admiring a man they are somehow “selling out” or just “feeding his ego,” and they deride the “fragile male ego.” Yet admiration remains a core sexual attractor for men. It is a natural part of masculine instinct. Women have natural feminine instincts, too.

    You mention that these men are friends of yours. Did they come to you with stories about how their wives or girlfriends no longer show admiration for them? You might have been admiring of them, which increases the attraction they feel for you. As a friend, you most likely gave off an “admiring vibe” long before the affair started. Does this seem true? Did these men come to you perhaps seeking admiration as much as sex?

    If so, hold on to your capacity to admire a man. It’s a positive quality and will help you find the right man for a committed relationship in the future. Also, learn about personalities.

    Dr. Paul advice

  392.  #392LD on April 5, 2011 at 9:42 am


    Yes it feels so good when they respond to our feminiity. He told me that one of the causes of his divorce was that his ex wife was emotionally detached and he never felt he could really connect with her on a deep emotional level. They truly do want to show us their emotions, but they only feel safe doing so when they know we are in touch witho ur own emotions and won’t make them feel less manly for having them. They love it when we’re even more emotional than they are!

  393.  #393Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Mystery 101

    Once again, we are talking about the first step of attraction, Mystery. Men must be mysterious in order to attract you and keep your interest piqued.

    Right now, you may be asking, “What are some examples of a man being mysterious?”

    Here are just a few examples of mystery to get you started on what to look for and how a man doing these things makes you feel:

    1. He will make eye contact with you, and hold it just a little bit too long before looking away
    2. He might make a silly face as well
    3. He will keep moving around the room
    4. He may be wearing something to make him stand out

    Ultimately, a man being mysterious will cause you to wonder about him, have more questions than answers and the need to know more about him. Once you know what to look for in a man during this very early stage of courtship, you will be confident in the next phases of courtship in moving toward a relationship with a mature man who is securely outside of the “friend zone”.


  394.  #394LD on April 5, 2011 at 9:46 am

    ha ha I just remembered one more thing about my date last night. At one point I held his gaze and did the “I’m the air that you need to breathe” tool and he said “what just flashed through your mind right then? Whatever it was, it was unbelievably powerful!” I just smiled and thanked him for a great evening…. : )

  395.  #395Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:48 am

    “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says…I will try again tomorrow.”
    -Mary Anne Radmacher

    Some days it’s hard just putting one foot in front of the other. Each great story shares that all important lesson…it’s not what happens, but how we react to what happens, that matters most.

    When we think about courage, it’s usually stories of heroism that come to mind – saving someone from a fire or climbing Mount Everest. But for millions of women around the world, courage comes in a very different way. It’s a quiet voice that gives them the strength to go on for another day, sometimes in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.

    This little book shares the stories of a few of those Quiet Warriors and will hopefully inspire others to face their challenges each day, renewed with the knowledge that others have survived in similar situations.

  396.  #396Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:51 am

    RE 399 LD further proof that emotions are contagious, they can feel our intention, we communicate psychically, they can feel our vibe. So we should be clear with what we want to create, set our intention and believe that We Can Have the Relationship we Want.

  397.  #397Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:52 am

    RE 401 I know it sounds cliche but I am practicing and faking it till I make it.

  398.  #398Mel on April 5, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Re: 400

    Which book is this?

  399.  #399Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 9:54 am

  400.  #400Brenda on April 5, 2011 at 10:02 am


    RE: #399 – Oh, that is so cool! Awesome!!!!

  401.  #401Brenda on April 5, 2011 at 10:08 am


    I have two questions…

    I was emailing and talking on the phone with a CD up until about a month ago, and I was calling him MMRR. He cancelled a date, saying he had to work out issues with his exwife.

    I deleted his number, never expecting to hear from him again after a week or two. He called me yesterday, saying he was in a better place now, and we talked for about 20 minutes. He said he’ll call me in the next week or so and we can meet.

    Last night I was on Craigslist, where I met him, and I see that he posted an ad on Saturday, April 1st, for friends with benefits. Here are my questions:

    1. It’s hard for him to find childcare. Is it ok if I invite him to bring his 5 year old on the date?

    2. Would you feel yucky if you saw an ad for a CD you hadn’t dated yet looking for FWB? I do. Any thots on how to address it, if at all? He’s someone I have never even met at this point.

  402.  #402LD on April 5, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Yes, the more I get in otuch with my emotions and express them honestly, the better my connections with men get. Some of them do get scared and “poof”, but they are just the ones who can’t do the kind of deep connection I want.

    Funny, hotarmyguy told me some things that gave me some insight into IntenseChemistryGuy’s job and why he may have “poofed” on me. It almost felt like he had a dual purpose-to give me a message about IntenseChemistryGuy AND fulfill my wish to experience feeling attracted to 2 CDs at the same time….

  403.  #403LD on April 5, 2011 at 10:12 am

    ewww Brenda yes that would feel yucky to me to see an ad like that.

  404.  #404tinque on April 5, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Brenda – Totally ewwww…


  405.  #405Brenda on April 5, 2011 at 10:22 am

    Hi Feminine Woman,

    Are you in a relationship?

  406.  #406Leo on April 5, 2011 at 10:32 am

    this would feel yucky to me, too.


  407.  #407Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

    ok..i just got back from working out…check that off my list for the day! 🙂

    tinque…i was thinking about you this weekend and wondering how you liked them!! 🙂 i just had mine redone on Saturday…i am so glad you love them!! do you feel super sexy and alluring? that’s how i feel with them 🙂

    Brenda…hey 🙂 i would feel turned off and if i were to address it i would probably make a joke about it…that’s just my sense of humor…but i wouldn’t meet up with him after seeing that

  408.  #408Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 10:45 am

    FW…love post 401!

    Lercomari…yay for you!! just remember to have fun!! 🙂

    the blog feels fun this morning…lots of good things are being posted..i’m feeling inspired!!

    LD…you are a rockstar

    FW…i love it when you post about Dr. Paul’s stuff too….i like a lot of his stuff…i want to get his program about feminine empowerment (big sigh) …someday 🙂

    Renie…you sound like you are in a really good spot too! yay

    Alonka? where are you? 🙂

  409.  #409tinque on April 5, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Jilly – No more like, “Oooh what fun. No mascara needed, instant transformation from big eyes to huge ones. I just love them, and they are much sturdier than I anticipated. I lucked out, and chose a place randomly, one close by. She did an amazing job, and she’s sweet.

    Thank you

  410.  #410Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Interesting article on “relationship killers” and what behaviors to espouse for a successful one:


    “Bradley advises being on the lookout for the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” for daters:

    1. Criticism
    2. Defensiveness
    3. Contempt
    4. Stonewalling (shutting down communication)

    “Research from our lab shows that couples who have a tendency to elicit these behaviors during their interactions are more likely to get divorced,” she says. That’s why it makes sense to look for these red flags when you’re interacting with a current or potential love interest.”

  411.  #411Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Hugs (((((DE and son)))))


  412.  #412Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 11:18 am

    @317: Violet says:
    “…I cried thinking that I might not have another chance at love.
    Today is a new day and I will treat it as such…”

    New day, new chance, new love! 😀


  413.  #413Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Regarding FW’s Post 398:

    From the article:

    “Being mysterious is not synonymous with being a douche-bag. ”


    Ya know, I really like the Mr. Nices. But I see the blogger’s point…and here is my own take on her philosophy that we women want mystery, and I’m not exactly proud of it, but I find that the less conventionally good-looking a man is, the more mysterious he needs to be to keep my attention. I have to find the personality/confidence intriguing if the eyes, face, body do not pull me in. But if a man is really good-looking, I almost find the “mystery” component unnerving–like he’s a player who’s playing with ME! And I pull back.


    Average-looking dudes need to have some game to catch and keep my interest.

    Good-looking dudes need to just be nice and open to keep my interest and to make me feel safe.

    Huh, interesting….

  414.  #414Renie on April 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

    Boomer, so funny…..I think I do the same thing!

    The other interesting thing is that we are very much like men in that regard! They want to chase us. And we want to wonder about them! If either sex is too available or eager, it turns the other sex off. Hmmm…

  415.  #415Summerbaby on April 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Been hard to keep up with posts on the blog. I try to read through them all but wow, there are so many!

    Lucy, I think I have the same dilemma with the book. I think about the impact on the people and myself were my “story” to come to light. Not sure I want that for my adult children. Would people view them differently?

    Anyway, I’m having issues of my own in my relationship. He’s wonderful and consistent, but I’m freaking out. I am seriously considering a feng shui consultant team to come in and give my home some cures. In the meantime, I bought the book “move your stuff, change your life” and it appears my toilet is located in the career segment of my home. The cat boxes are there too. No wonder my finances are crappy. LOL!

    Lucy good luck with your daughter today, sending warm thoughts. Darling Ella, big hugs to you.

    Mercedes, I feel warm fuzzies for you. Fake ID and real one!

    LD, you really are a rock star.

    SLV, hope you are feeling well.

    Brenda, FWB sounds ick. I don’t know that I would take his call next week. I did converse with a guy that wanted FWB for quite some time. He insisted he was okay with just friendship and no benefits, but it became clear over time that he was just hoping to wear me down.

    to all sirens I don’t have time to mention – big hugs and best wishes for your happiness.

    hugs all around.


  416.  #416LD on April 5, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Hmmm I used to be more like that. Now I just want some nice guy who adores me to come right in, no mystery at all, and sweep me off of my feet and take me off the market….

  417.  #417LD on April 5, 2011 at 11:43 am


    I’m just a part time rockstar. My other job is insecure, suspicious, self sabotaging, low self esteem whining b*tch. : )

  418.  #418LD on April 5, 2011 at 11:44 am


    LMAO on the “crappy” finances!

  419.  #419Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 11:44 am

    @352: Lorelei says:
    “… He’s a radical feminist in many ways. And very manly in others….’

    He is extremely feminist and manly. Depends on what the radical/extreme part is… but sounds cool to me. Send him!

    My interpretation is that this guy wants to please me and I’d be happy to share my feelings and opinions. If I said I liked certain things, that could still leave lots of space for him to plan and make them happen.

    Or you could say… “Guess.” hahaha LOL 😆


  420.  #420kookica on April 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

    WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait .. …

  421.  #421Jilly on April 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Leo…i love your story! yay…it sounds wonderful 🙂

    LD..i agree…i feel ready…

    i just got off the phone with hotpilot…big happy sigh…but he had a schedule change and has to overnight in another place..so we will see each other tomorrow…but he told me that his mom invited us to come spend part of the weekend with her and a friend lol…wow that was nice of her since i haven’t met her yet..and he said ya…i’ve been telling her lots of good things about you and she likes you…(i love that) he told her we probably wouldn’t go but thanks for the offer…

  422.  #422Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

    369 LD:

    “My vibe has been lifted a little. It feels so amazing that I asked for this just last week and it’s already here.

    Hmmm if it works that well then let me add it would feel really really great to win millions of dollars in the lottery. : )”

    Yes! Ask and it is given! I can easily forget sometimes that I make my own reality (Law of Attraction stuff that I really want to believe). But when it happens, it’s just like, “Yes, well, Duh! Winning!”

    Good for you for asking and being open to receiving!

  423.  #423Izzy on April 5, 2011 at 11:50 am


    Hi Boomer,

    Now I need to learn to express myself and feel protected at the same time.

    This seems so natural for most, I feel awkward that this doesn’t happen naturally for me.

  424.  #424tinque on April 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Izzy – I would seriously question whether this come naturally to most. From my experience it doesn’t.

    It still doesn’t exactly flow from me either, but it is easier than it once was.

    You are SO not alone in this.

  425.  #425Renie on April 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    WOW. OK, this literally just happened. The engineer I mentioned in my previous posts just emailed me asking to look at a few beach resort websites he had picked out and asked me which dates in June would work best for us to go on a beach trip! Would you be hesitant to plan a trip that far out? Granted, it’s only 2 months out at this point and he & I both have kids and have to juggle around our kid schedules. So we can’t be TOTALLY spontaneous.

    I feel excited. And I also feel cautiously optimistic. At any rate, it feels fun to plan a trip!

  426.  #426Luzydel on April 5, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I have received some emails from online sites, replied to some and we will, see. I drop the ball with D and I won’t ask him for anything or get mad anymore. I can meet so many men why should I wait on one who deos not want to be with me?

    We will see I want to have three in my rotation this time. Last time I had like six and they all faded away because I had no time. Lol this time I want three quality men…high quality I mean.

  427.  #427Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Izzy, that balance is certainly not natural for me. I am a study in extremes: I start off warm, fuzzy, goofy, quirky, cute, open, desirous of connection. Then someone (and all it takes is ONE someone) indicates he (usually a “he”) does not like something about me (“You are too _______” quirky, hyper, open, funny, smart, loud…pick one)…and then I swing to the COMPLETE OPPOSITE side of the interaction spectrum: I become aloof, careful, suspicious, closed-off and I hide my intelligence and my humor. And all the other people who loved my quirky/fun/smart/sassy/vibrant self…they are like, “What happened????”

    I never succeed in making the one d-bag who disapproved of me happy (because it was never about me, but was about HIM), and I definitely confuse everyone else who did like me just the way I was. And then I feel like crap. Like I never get it right.

    So, I have worked to cultivate an in-between approach. Ya know, as a technical writer, one of the first things I learned was “know your audience.” This maxim applies to all human communication, I think. So, I’ve tried to cultivate a better sense of others–by listening better (oh, such a challenge for me!)–and intuiting better where the other person is coming from.

    And then I can slightly tailor my communication approach. I have learned it’s best to be essentially me…happy, vibrant, funny, warm…but to temper it with more listening for the more serious-minded men I meet, and then I allow myself to crank it up a notch with more humor and spirit for the men who are open about liking a smart, sassy, confident woman. But I still “lean back” in both instances. It’s a challenge. I’m getting better with practice.

  428.  #428Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    @392: Femininewoman says:
    “…The sex one I have adjusted a bit to find out how open he was to discussing the topic….”

    Hi FW, how did you phrase it?

    “…and the heartache prevention question “So Bob, why aren’t you married yet?..”.

    That one of course, your gold standard. 😉
    I think so too. I had thought about also asking another “prevention” question and I was so excited about it. Did I post what it was? Oops 😳 now I don’t remember and I didnt write it down. 😥

    I am learning about myself through a lot of the posts here, and I’m formulating a lot of thoughts. I’ll have to write a book of instructions especially for me… “The Little Book of Senior Lady Vibe”…


  429.  #429Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Izzy…and you will get better with practice too…baby steps, girl!

    Celebrate your successes. If you manage to lean back and use one or two feeling messages, regardless of whether he calls you again, congratulate and thank yourself for the progress. I journal about my successes, and they get more frequent.

    You can do it too. Tinque is right–it is not “natural”; or rather, like Rori says, maybe it is natural, but we’ve been acculturated out of our natural femininity so we can succeed in a “man’s world.” Practice!

  430.  #430Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    SLV, I would read that book!

  431.  #431Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    @406: Brenda says:
    “…1. It’s hard for him to find childcare. Is it ok if I invite him to bring his 5 year old on the date?
    2. Would you feel yucky if you saw an ad for a CD you hadn’t dated yet looking for FWB? I do. Any thots on how to address it, if at all? He’s someone I have never even met at this point….”

    #1 — I would not recommend inviting his child on an early date.
    #2 — this might be different from the other responses. I’d say something about it to him so that you two are on the same page. A lot of single men want sex without commitment; it doesn’t mean they won’t. I’d ask about it. Who knows? Does he even know what *he* means by FWB? I don’t give it an automatic “ewww” before he’s even met me. OTOH, I might be kind of liberal having become used to guys who post ads for random analingual with rope bondage and spreader bars. CL, oh, my CL… 😳


  432.  #432Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    @414: tinque says:
    “…instant transformation from big eyes to huge ones.,,”

    Wow ❗


  433.  #433Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    @434: Boomer says:
    “…SLV, I would read that book!…

    Thanks. 😀


  434.  #434Prairie Girl on April 5, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Okay.. I’m book shopping..

    which or both? Soulmate Secret or/and Calling in the One…

    Do they overlap? contradict? For those that have read both and have put up w/me on here which should I buy…

    Oh… and RoperCB has disappeared a bit… not completely but the contact HAS changed… that being said… other guys have stepped up in the contact rotation so I honestly wouldn’t miss him that much IF I hadn’t been looking for it…

    It’s getting close to my period so I know that hormones are starting up but..

    I have been doing good at telling myself a “new/different” story than “I can’t sleep w/someone I’m not committed to because I can’t lay my body on a bed w/out my heart staying behind”…

    I’ve decided that’s a boring story… my new story is “any orgasm I don’t have to give myself is good… and sex when I want it…whether I need it or not… kind of like a bath..”…

    I need a story about them disappearing..

    The posts FW has put about the high degree of difficulty = keeping me off balance REALLY resonate… I DO value the men being “just for me”.. but… end up involved w/men who keep me off balance.. .being attracted to… GET THIS… when Roperboy didn’t call this weekend.. I MISSED LAWMAN COWBOY!!!! How sick is that… he’s living w/some 38 yr old (he’s 50 giving her a month test drive) and writing about how unhappy he still is on his online diary…HE IS THE OFF BALANCE PLAYER guy that is like a shiny thing to me.. and … anyway.. awareness is good right?

    So back to the question.. which book do you guys think would help me most at this point?

    I really am getting into the loving myself stuff… I’m loving The Work w/BK…but I’m having a hard time with the lonely indefinitely bull$hit….

    I mean I GET that it IS reality…my reality but seriously…

    I GET that the WANTING keeps is away.. but WTF?

    I’m embracing the what is… but it sucks… and NOT in a good way.

    Everyone around me is getting great relationships falling in their laps.. being set up… blah blah blah… and they just stayed hooked/negative on the toxic men until the great guy showed up…


    I get to work on myself ad nauseam and be lonely.. okay NOT lonely.. I got my kiddos… and a dog.. OH and MYSELF!!! I love myself… seriously.. I do.. but…

    I’d appreciate your thoughts and reviews….

  435.  #435Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    @420: Summerbaby says:
    “…it appears my toilet is located in the career segment of my home. The cat boxes are there too. No wonder my finances are crappy. LOL!…”

    You might want to change that… 😀

    I think I’ve worked out that my finances will be Ok but only if I don’t spend any money until January 15, 2012. Nope, not kidding but I think I will try it. And have fun with the challenge.


  436.  #436gina on April 5, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I like Jonathon very much!!!

    I am wondering if I’m being unfair to D. To sum it up, he was pissed that I wouldn’t move to Boston with him, we broke up and hardly saw eachother for five months before he left, except for an occasional booty call. I gave him the best sex ever about a week and a half before he was set to leave, and I didn’t hear from him afterwards until the day before he left. The worst part was that I didn’t hear a peep from him on Valentines day. I was so mad, that I didn’t even want to see him to say bye before he left. But then he got to Boston and started contacting me every day. And I felt so weirded out and pissed. After several arguments, I told him to have a nice life. He contacted me saying that he can’t stop thinking about me and he’s so sorry he was a jerk, he regrets putting pressure on me to move to Boston, he’s sorry he didn’t make any time for me before he left, he’s sorry he didn’t do anything on Valentine’s Day. He also realizes that he needs to lead a healthier lifestyle – he wants to stop partying so much, and drink less in general. He feels like he really let me down, and he’s really sorry. And I let him know that I appreciate all that, but now that he’s gone, his admission doesn’t do a damn thing for me. I said that I’m not over feeling pissed about Valentine’s day, and that time won’t heal it. He’s offered to pay for me to take a trip to visit him in Boston, but I’m not even up for the inconvenience of driving to the airport until I see some unselfish romantic gesture on his part. We’ve been in touch for several days, and I just don’t feel like I can completely lighten up and flirt and be loving and warm until I receive something from him (a card, a gift, SOMETHING besides an admission that he has been a complete jerk). In the meantime, idle chit chat is just ticking me off. Am I being unfair? last night I told him that I am just too high maitenance for this. I want romance and I want to feel loved and cared for. I don’t want a long distance relationship, and that’s not even what we have. So I certainly don’t feel good about getting wrapped up in a long distance non-relationship. He started to whine about how awful he feels – about how he let me down. and I was like “SO FIX IT! DO something about it!” I told him how awful it feels to be saying that. I don’t want to be begging him to make things right. And he just sulked about how there’s nothing he can do from there. And I felt FURIOUS!!!! omg. ugh. I want to call him names and hit things. I really do. Why doesn’t he just do something nice for me?? Oh, he did ask me for my address the other day (presumably so he could send me something) but I wouldn’t give him more than my apartment number because I am looking for a feeling of romance – I don’t want to be spelling it all out for him like this. What’s the deal? Am I being unfair, is he just not interested, or is he one of the guys I should stay away from, or WHAT??? I appreciate any feedback!!!!

  437.  #437Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    RE 429 Renie My understanding from what CCarter says this is just a request to spend time with you. If you want a committment or whatever you could share at this time “I need to be in a long term committed relationship or marriage (whatever you want) to go on such a trip with anyone”. He suggests that this gives the guy an idea of our values and when he thinks of such trips he remembers you as the girl who wants marriage. He also says if sex is involved in such scenarios it could paint the picture of you giving free sex to draw the man in closer and that is not how guys bond.

  438.  #438Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    SLV I plain out ask what do you enjoy about sex. The last time I was told about him having it on the beach with a girl who showed up for the date with no underwear. He showed me a rock they were leaning up against when she lifted up her dress to show him she was not wearing anything. He said he enjoyed the adventure and risk of doing out in such a public place.

  439.  #439gina on April 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Thanks for the article @ 415, Boomer – interesting.

  440.  #440gina on April 5, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Femininewoman, how did you feel when he told you all that?? my face is all wrinkled up because I don’t think I would like to be imagining my date having hot sex with someone else…

  441.  #441Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    RE 440 gina If he is being genuine it seems like a man who might be willing to change. That is necessary in my opinion for a healthy relationship because you want to know that you have influence with a man, you know how stubborn they can be because of their ego, at least some of them. Regarding the valentine’s issue Rori has a lot of comments about it in previous posts I would look at them if I were you. Remember Valentine’s is only one day.

  442.  #442Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    gina I understand but I am in my late 40s and so is he. Outside of a commitment and on early dates I am just there learning about myself and the other person. I just listened and comment I guess that must have been exciting for you. In my mind I was just creating the space where he could feel safe to share anything with me. I understand that allows them to feel like they can be themselves and get a sense of fulfilment when they can share dreams and fantasies. I’ve had a problem really melting, forgiving and allowing people into my heart so for me it was just practice.

  443.  #443Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    I spoke about my age because I accept that I have a life before any date and so they have a life also. I believe it would be unrealistic of me to expect that they would have no history when we meet.

  444.  #444Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    @442: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I plain out ask what do you enjoy about sex….”

    Is that kind of spicy for a first date? It’s spicier than the Republican question which I think is fun. I can see me (almost) asking the Republican one. I even have a fun turnabout answer in mind.

    I’ll think more about asking the “enjoy about sex” question but I’m seeing that a guy might hear this as an invitation.

    Thanks, FW.


  445.  #445Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    RE 415 That is John Gottman’s research.

  446.  #446Boomer on April 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    PG, hugs and happiness to you. Glad to see you on here. I will get with you soon via email 🙂 Want to explore the “he poofed after sex and I kinda don’t care” vibe….

  447.  #447Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    RE 448 Sure I imagine they would take it as an invitation but I have the choice. But I understand from the interview that the “enjoy” gets the guy into his emotional body and it can be view as a philosophical question that can open people up. Think about it almost everyone laughs when sex is brought up in discussions. I listen to Z100 on the radio most mornings and they are always discussing sex. I listen because I want to feel comfortable with it and with bringing up the topic. I also watch Sex & the City because I have had taboos around the topic so I want to feel comfortable to discuss it and open up myself to the possibility of discussing it with strangers and not feel pressure into participating in it.

  448.  #448Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @451: Femininewoman

    That’s a good take on it. It would be an “ice breaker” I think. I was wondering whether an invitation too but I see you’ve handled that so no problem.

    I like SATC too but don’t have the TV access you mentioned. And !!! “Why did I get married?” showed up on my reserve list today so I have one space for a DVD, will try to start over with the SATC episodes.


  449.  #449gina on April 5, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Femininewoman, thanks for the feedback. I know VD is just one day, and frankly I don’t care much about it. If he had so much as texted me, I’d prolly be fine. But he did nothing for the entire week before he left, and now he’s talking about a life together, and it just pisses me off that he isn’t really pursuing me. I don’t feel pursued, anyway. Cause I want some sort of action to back up is words. It’d be tough enough with him gone, but he blew it before he left, and he isn’t making it up now.

  450.  #450Renie on April 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I wasn’t excited at the prospect of something more coming out of planning a trip. I’m just excited about a trip! LOL.. We’ve been talking about taking a trip, where we’d like to go, etc. and I feel happy that he actually “picked up the ball”, took the initiative to do something about it.

    I guess I’m one of the rare breeds who can have sex without leaving my heart behind. The sex aspect of being on a trip with him is not an issue. I never initiate sex or anything like that. But I’ve found that having sex with a man usually isn’t a plus or a negative. If all he wants is sex, then good riddance…he got it and I don’t want to see him again either. If a man is really into you, having sex isn’t going to turn him off! At least that’s not been my experience. The timing of how soon I’ve had sex with someone has had no bearing on whether or not they stuck around. If they were going to stick around, they did. IF they were gonna “poof”, they poofed.

    I think sexual compatibility is soooo important in a relationship. I have to know whether it’s there for MY benefit and see how it goes. If a guy was perfect in every way, but horrible in bed I dont’ know what I would do. But I’m 41 so by this stage in life, most men have a clue! LOL… Still some are a lot better than others.

    idk…that’s just my take on it and I don’t put a huge emotional/commitment pricetag on the sex. But that’s just me.

  451.  #451gina on April 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    I feel kinda bad cause I was testing him in the conversation asking if maybe we broke up for real reasons, and not just cause of Boston. and he said “I dunno.” And that sucks and leaves me feeling like he’s unsure about me. And I don’t want to be trying to convince him of anything. But I do feel like he owes me a lot if he is even thinking of a future together.

  452.  #452Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    RE 453 I understand but maybe that is all he can offer for now. The thing is not to get caught up in their fantasy and pretence. I have experienced the same thing and just allowed them to talk. I believe it is a way of being for some guys and maybe them convincing themselves that is what they want and seeing how we respond to it. I don’t know but I have experienced it more than once. I try not to allow it to piss me off because I have the option of cdating. He might not have the energy or whatever it takes to pursue on the long term. I would rather know now than later. I have known of women whose men kind of got a relationship as in getting a spare tire. After they get it, it’s as if they check of a to do list then next. Seemingly do nothing futher to keep the relationship flourishing. I think it is great to know from early on if this is that kind of man.

  453.  #453gina on April 5, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Renie, I like your attitude about sex – you sound very wise and grounded about it. I agree with what you said, though I feel a little less able to not get my heart and pride involved in sex

  454.  #454Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    @453: gina says:
    “… Cause I want some sort of action to back up is words….”

    I’d want some too. Something! I believe actions should match words. Valentine’s Day is over but that doesn’t mean guys can’t make thoughtful gestures or give gifts on the other 364 days of the year. IMHO, hearing a guy whine *HE* feels bad when he did the neglecting… and then he does nothing differently well… that would be boring after a while.


  455.  #455Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    RE 454 Renie it is great that you know yourself like that. That is the most important thing so enjoy your life the way you want to, is what I would say.

  456.  #456Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    RE 455 gina I understand that most single guys don’t know what they want and are not really ready for real relationships. Apparently it is we “the wise women” who help them get in touch with themselves and what they want.

  457.  #457Senior Lady Vibe on April 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    “… I have known of women whose men kind of got a relationship as in getting a spare tire. After they get it, it’s as if they check of a to do list then next…”

    I prefer not to have that kind… 😛


  458.  #458Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    RE 455 gina don’t feel bad about testing him. Guys test us all the time and they are considered better at negotiating relationships because of that. I have seen where several coaches recommend that we should test them for a right fit with us. Not doing so might cause us to short change ourselves.

  459.  #459Femininewoman on April 5, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    RE 461 I am not sure it is a conscious decision but it seems to happen at times. I heard Kathlyn Scott talk about it in an interview.

  460.  #460Prairie Girl on April 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    #450 Boomer… I’m having to work on the I don’t care thing… it’s HARD… well harder than I would like…I mean… seriously.. he was sweet/sexy texts all day… calling everyday before, now nothing if I don’t initiate (which I did in the beginning because I didn’t want him to think I was… IDK.. disappearing? myself)… but

    in person he didn’t look like I expected… NOT bad/repulsive.. just not as good…I could imagine he’s not a keeper… he feels “young”… (he is 4-5 yrs younger than I am) and I’m not sure I feel I could “lean” on him… or … IDK.. something…

    Anyway.. It’s almost like picking a scab or poking myself to MAKE myself feel bad about not hearing from him…

    Like I don’t think about it then when it pops into my head I feel the need to assign a “value” to it.. and it’s always that *I* am less than.. or abandoned… or deserted… or not good enough…It’s weird..

    I’m just not happy until I get the sick feeling in my stomach then I’m REALLY not happy… but I gotta admit it IS progress… I’m not feeling attached/bonded… just sad at the contact going away.

    I have a horse trainer from Iowa (7-8) hrs away who’s really stepping up… will be here in the next couple weeks to meet me.. calls every day at least once and texts thru out the day…

    Cool thing about him it that his 12yo daughter picked me out for him.. He’d stepped away from the computer to talk to his 16 yo and her boyfriend and didn’t sign off the cowboy dating site… The 12 yo swooped in and started checking out women and picked my profile…

    Hes early 50’s handsome.. sweet.. reads womens books, watches Oprah.. and stuff.. but sometimes bores me just a bit… not like some that make me want to poke myself in the eye… so that’s good..I think I’m ready for more sexual talk with him…

    I also have been in touch w/bullcowboy (he raises bucking bulls for rodeos) and he’s the one I did it all wrong with but didn’t really care… I needed the toxic man who broke my heart F’d out of my memory so I drove to Texas from Colorado.. paid for the motel to meet him and spent 2 days… worth EVERY penny…

    We’ve stayed friends, on FB too… and flirt…. he hadn’t had sex for a year before me and I don’t think since me (last Oct) I got kinda hooked/bonded but he’s said right up front that he has NO interest in a relationship he’s all about his bull biz now.. though he did future talk a lot on my trip… anyway… I need some bulls and some good “what he does” (oral, I haven’t had that since him)

    so if no real/good/keeper shows up before I can go to Texas I’m a going to get another yee haw… whether I need it or not.. gonna practice this “I don’t give a $hit whether you call after sex or not” vibe until I get it down pat..

    Or at least that’s my story for today… until I get more hormonal and am back on here going “wahhh Oh I love roper cowboy SOOO much”… then somebody needs to slap me… and put a vodka i.v, in my arm..K?

    Love ya!