Who’s Running Your Life From The Inside?

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10-6 love yourselfI want you to start noticing how you’re running your life.

Are you running your life always trying to make something happen – or are you running your life just leaning back and letting other people do stuff for you?

Are you waiting for someone to get you?

Is your boy energy not in use?

Are you making excuses? Is your boy making excuses?

Then I want you to look and see what is your boy doing or not doing that is showing up in the men you’re seeing out there…

Whatever is going on with your boy energy inside you, that is what’s showing up outside in the men you’re meeting. Forget the law of attraction.

Let’s just go for the concept that’s overarching and huge – which is:

There is no one else out there.

That there’s nobody separate from you.

“Others” are just you showing up in different ways.

We attract who we’re being.

So the kind of boy that is running your life is the kind of boy you’re going to meet out there.

I want you to ask:

Does my boy love me?

Does my boy take care of me?

Is my boy constantly disappointing me?

Is my boy abandoning me?

Is he not calling me, listening to me hearing me, touching me…?

Let’s look at how this is going on inside of us, and start to make some connections.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 19, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Very interesting questions. Before Rori it never occurred that there was a boy side of me. The tomboy was always just considered a way to do.

  2.  #2Labbit on February 19, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    The biggest way my boy helps me, beyond the day-to-day taking care of myself, is by reminding my girl to stay opened up and in receiving mode. In the past I tended to shut down pretty easily as soon as any little thing upset me or threw me off-balance. I don’t think I knew how closed off I was but now that I’m in a place where I can catch myself starting to feel closed off I realize just how shut down I used to be.

    I had an experience with this yesterday where I was feeling incredibly insecure in a social situation and panicking internally. As I was breathing and accepting those feelings there was a small voice inside of me reminding me to stay open…so I made myself stay opened up energetically, able to receive…and the situation improved dramatically almost immediately.

    My boy takes excellent care of me these days and makes me feel very loved. 🙂

  3.  #3Labbit on February 19, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    This archived post from Rori might also help for anyone who needs help defining what kinds of things the boy energy is supposed to do…

    I dug it up to remind myself!

  4.  #4Mistea1 on February 19, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Boy energy was a new concept to me when I first came here. I”ve mostly used it I guess to take care of me, I didnt know that was what to call it.

  5.  #5April Rose on February 19, 2015 at 3:33 pm


    Arthur Rose here. April Rose’s (inner) husband!

    On Valentine’s day I did exactly what I knew she needed me to do.

    I held her aching heart. April somehow believed she was lonely, because she was looking outside of herself for love.

    I didn’t lecture her. I simply sent a Valentine’s card pledging my loyalty and devotion.
    I bought her a delicious-smelling perfume.
    I bought her chocolates in a heart-shaped box.
    I took her to the movies and sat beside her.

    When we got home I got her logged onto Plenty of Fish, where I looked up five profiles of men I selected based on their good character.

    She got writing back and forth with one of them.
    I liked him.
    The next day she gave him her number.

    Tonight they met. I still liked him. When he asked April for a second date I gave her the nod, and she accepted.

  6.  #6Mistea1 on February 19, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    April Rose,
    That is very good. I love it. I’m going to work on mine!

  7.  #7Gemini Goddess on February 19, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    I really love the concept of my own “boy energy” for taking care of myself. It feels very centering.

  8.  #8prplpsn28 on February 19, 2015 at 5:56 pm


  9.  #9Linda on February 19, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    I really can relate to this concept now. It used to feel so foreign but since I have been able to accept and understand my recessed girl energy and let her speak I feel more balanced and healthy.

    The mirror thing throws me off though. I have not been around any men lately.. well for about 7 months now. I only have the past to look at. It feels awful to think that P was my boy energy. He was such a bully to me emtionally. It was so hurtful sometimes. How does that make sense?

    April Rose I love how you shared Arthur with us.

  10.  #10Mandy on February 19, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    My boy is about bullying me to be better…kicking me when I’ve screwed up…and also being very strong and helpful and determined…

  11.  #11Silver-Tongued Siren on February 19, 2015 at 10:48 pm

    Love the boy energy concept… it helps me remember how to treat myself.

    I am loving life, loving me, right now. Not that it’s easy, it’s pretty difficult, dealing with a partner with personality disorders when he’s on his down side and the difficulties that creates… but I am somewhat distanced from that situation for the moment.

    I have a situation at work where there is a man on the property who has been bothering me while I’m working. I have been mildly irritated in the past, only to the point of amusing myself with my responses. My responses have garnered some silence, but now he has started up again, and I sense that he understands I do not want his attention, yet he continues, so I now feel angry. So my boy energy is about to let him have it, in no unclear terms, soon, so he understands that I am not a weak energy at all, and that he cannot take advantage of me in any way.

    I feel that it will hurt his ego, and he will get angry, creating some silence and further passive aggressive behavior… but it would be worse if I asked my boss to speak to him, it would be better if I confront him directly so there is no question about my power. What happens after that, we’ll see when we get there.

    I have told my partner MILW about this once, but at that point it had barely begun. I’m somewhat removed from my home situation at the moment, so I’ve also told two of my current guys. They both have offered to do something about it!

    I will name one of them desert dancer. He was very concerned, recognizes the precision of my intuition, and requested details on the man’s appearance, age, name. (we have had a friend murdered by a man who is still out there, and nearly attacked three of my friends later, in fact, which lends to his concern.) He insists that I will come over and he will teach me some simple self defense, that I carry mace or something, talk to my boss or to the man, and that if I am ever uncomfortable to call him over and he will even talk to the man or my boss himself. He says that I am a working mother, and do not have time to deal with that and should not be put in that situation at all.

    My other man, “other dad” (to my children) who I am going to now call…..my avocado, for now, … he said a few times today that I need to call him over when I’m at work, so he knows what this guy looks like, and I’m sure he would also talk to either the man or my boss if I agreed.

    I never ask for help with things. The last year or two I’ve been practicing receiving in this way. I feel very happy with how they both recognize my hard work, and insist on my safety, and are willing to put their own energy into being sure I am safe.

  12.  #12Beloved on February 19, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    Mandy – from the previous thread – what makes me feel super goddessy is getting out in nature. I used to hike and try to “connect” with nature and get close with the trees and whatever, haha. I gave that up and just go out there and walk and walk and walk and let myself feel lost in my thoughts if that’s what I need. Just getting out there and being in the forest feels amazing and I always feel good about myself for just going.

  13.  #13Beloved on February 19, 2015 at 11:00 pm

    Omg, tonight has been totally blissful.
    I had a good date. When I first saw him, I felt so happy, he looked better than his profile pics. When he hugged me, I didn’t want him to let me go, I just wanted to sink into him.
    I got lots of practice being myself, lots of FM practice and ohhh, lots of affection. He was very touchy-feely in a way that felt good and sweet and delicious. We sat knees-to-knees most of the evening because it felt good. He is a good kisser and left me feeling totally yummed up.

    As if that wasn’t enough goodness, when I got home my housemate J was playing bass and she pulled out another bass guitar and started teaching me some chords. Then told me that TG (who owns the house and the instruments) said we could play any of the instruments we wanted so long as we treated them carefully so ….I made a beeline straight for the flute I had seen earlier and..
    oh…sweet goodness precious heaven…oh my…
    I pulled out the flute and
    oh, my eyes just want to roll back in my head 🙂
    I haven’t played a flute for so long, it felt so sweet.
    SO good.
    So, so good.
    I feel so happy happy happythankyoumoreplease 🙂

  14.  #14Indigo on February 19, 2015 at 11:53 pm

    Silver-tongued Siren 11,

    I don’t know if this will help, so take it if it does and leave it if it doesn’t, but I have had many situations with unwanted attention in my life. I’m very introverted and sensitive, so this can happen a bit more easily with me than with others.

    What I have found to be VERY effective, much more effective than confronting such a person directly, is totally freezing them out, like an extreme kind of ignoring. The bottom line is that these men are 10:1 looking for attention. Confronting them directly often feeds in their desire for attention and their sense of power that they have got to you. If I feel any kind of unwanted attention from a strange man I do the most extreme thing that I can to get out of their space right there and then driving away, shutting and locking doors, windows, curtains, avoiding looking at them, anything to take myself completely out of their presence and deny them any access to me at all. I’ve found that if you completely starve someone of attention in this way, they usually do move on to another object of interest.

    Hope this is helpful. Such a yucky feeling.

  15.  #15Indigo on February 19, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    Wow, I’ve just realised writing this that my boy energy can be quite heroic when it wants to be! How to harness this beautiful protective energy without shutting down… 🙂

  16.  #16Victoria on February 20, 2015 at 12:23 am

    Does my boy love me?
    He is crazy about me.

    Does my boy take care of me?
    He is overworked and not always able to take the best possible care of me. He is a workahoholic, and proud to be one. I both like and dislike this about him.

    Is my boy constantly disappointing me?
    Occasionally he does, and I take it very badly.

    Is my boy abandoning me?
    Occasionally he does. I wish he would be always by my side, but when he is, I get kind of nervous as it is too much too strong.

    Is he not calling me, listening to me hearing me, touching me…?
    He is calling, listening, and is physically extremely affectionate. I love the physical aspect.

    I feel very calm and balanced with these findings.

  17.  #17Victoria on February 20, 2015 at 12:27 am

    Silver-Tongue Siren and Indigo,
    I personally would immediately go and talk to the boss. It is the boss’s job to create a safe and productive environment at work.
    Other men in your life are surely going to want to protect you, but for the boss this is actually his work to do it for you.

  18.  #18Sami Wunder on February 20, 2015 at 1:25 am

    I love this !!

    I am training under Rori´s coaching program for 2015 and I relate with this message of Rori´s with all my heart. The training has given my boy energy lots of tasks to do, given it goals to achieve and “things to look forward to” and all of a sudden my girl has started feeling so much lighter, relaxed and safer.

    Even my husband noted the difference in my energy. I just feel more playful, more present when he returns home.

    Having a purpose for the boy makes such a big difference to being able to be a girl. Love, Sami

  19.  #19Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 1:56 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel very frightened today, and I just wanted to share.

    I feel frightened of my old programming, and frightened of falling back into old habits. I know we are supposed to be “ok” with it on some level if a man walks out of our lives (I’m not saying one has, he hasn’t) but I just can’t be ok with that. I know *I* will be ok no matter what happens, I know enough of my practical, boy energy to know that I will take care of myself and make myself ok whatever happens, but I just cannot *be* ok, in the sense of “oh it’s ok, he can go, I’m not going to fight for this or try to repair things, he can just leave”. I am sorry, but I have turned this over and over in my mind and this is just simply NOT ok to me. I am very, very much not ok with someone I love leaving, if there is anything I can do to make it better. If there is nothing I can do that is a different story, but I am sorry this aspect of feminine energy is just not one that I can get on board with. At a visceral level when I love someone that is a HUGE deal to me, I cannot just be ok with it with the thought that another man will come along. Am I alone in this? Am I alone in feeling that if some people leave, it really IS quite catastrophic? (Again, I’m not saying anyone has left because they haven’t.) I am saying this because it’s at the heart of my wanting to “fix” a relationship when I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and it leads me to lean forward a bit to want to make it better, because leaning back and doing nothing feels uncaring to me.

    Anyway, my brother died 15 years ago and I most definitely was not ok with it, to this day I feel the profound loss because of how much I loved him. Why would it be ok if a man I deeply loved left? I mean, how can that possibly be ok on any level? This is one aspect of Rori’s teaching that I really battle with.

  20.  #20Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 3:19 am


    I don’t know of anyone who would be OK with a man walks out on them or leaves them. To me it is part of the human condition that when someone leaves us forcefully we feel sadness, pain, grief, want to fix it, want to figure out what happened and solve it, make it better. I went through several relationships of feeling this — in fact I’m pretty sure the first time it happened to me was what slaughtered my self-esteem and sent me into developing new, unhealthy habits of being needy and dependent on men. And that wasn’t even a long relationship. I was so intensely struck by the awful feelings following him leaving me that it sent me spiraling downward, crashing really.

    To me, it’s not about trying to avoid the feelings of devastation and loss and grief that come with a sudden end. It would be very inauthentic to me to pretend that a man like TenderCD could just say goodbye to me or disappear and I’d be cool with it. That’s not ever going to be a reality for me. It’s about knowing all those difficult-to-feel feelings would come in such an event and knowing that even with those I will still be alive afterwards, and that in time other feelings will come to take their place. It’s about NOT trying to make it better or fix it or solve it. It’s saying to myself “I don’t want this” or “I HATE this” or anything that isn’t making myself the victim (i..e WHY is this happening to me, why does this always happen, etc.). It’s about my boy stepping in to take care of my girl in that scenario, so that there is some energy in my life that would NEVER abandon me. It’s my rock, my tree trunk inside that I can access even when I feel so sad that I can barely move, barely breathe, just want to die.

    There is a personal level of coping, of OKness and it’s about striving to keep pushing that point a little further into strength and then a bit further and a bit further, each time pushing it into a point a little past what I think I could stand and learning to live through the intense fear and triggers that come up until I’m feeling balanced, like myself. Then a long rest full of self-soothing, and then push it a little again. It’s an ongoing process for me and I think it’s something I’ll be developing for the rest of my life.

    If TenderCD disappeared on me I’d feel devastated. I would feel numb, dead inside like a walking zombie, sad beyond understanding, and so on. I feel frozen and heavy and suffocated just thinking about it. But I also know that I would survive (probably not very well at first, but getting a little further each day) and in time I’d come to understand and maybe even be grateful for whatever lessons that experience would teach me, even though the pain would probably always be with me. To me, right now that is what feeling ‘OK’ looks like.

    Unfortunately I went through about a year-long period where a chain of men I was dating disappeared on me, one after the other. Always around the same 3-month point in the relationship, always without a single peep or hint it was coming. I began to fear 3 months with each man I dated because I ‘knew’ what was coming and felt helpless to stop it. I was at a point in my descent into unhealthy neediness that I drove them all away, they could not take the incredibly heavy emotional demands I put on them and my mind was so filled with misunderstandings about how relationships work and my role in them. And each time it felt like death. The second-to-last time, as I lay there dead-yet-somehow-still-breathing I wondered to myself how my heart was still beating, how I was still drawing in breaths when I felt like a huge asteroid had come down from space and clobbered me where I stood. It was a fork and I had two options — keep feeling powerless, or start to feel something else.

    After a few days, instead of being devastated I felt ANGRY. This was pre-Rori so I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew this was feeling something new and I liked feeling something new. Anything was better than constant weepiness and victimhood. It drove me to start looking for help, experts who could identify what I was feeling and what I was doing to create this terrible repeating cycle. I was still dating while doing this, met TenderCD the first time around weirdly enough and found Rori a short time later.

    As I have committed myself to learning what feminine energy is and what it looks like and how it acts and what MY feminine energy looks like and so on, men have stopped disappearing on me. They might break up with me, they might fade out of my life. But the men showing up now are so much better and my mental framework around how relationships has transformed to a much more healthy place. A place where a man’s actions may not make sense to me yet I can make sense of it anyway, if that makes any sense, LOL. It’s never a traumatic shock anymore whatever a man does. It’s more like, alright, I like this or I don’t like this and how did we get here? What role did I play? Is this simply a hint I’m not taking care of myself? Or is there more going on here? I can cope with it in a way that allows me to feel whatever I’m feeling (even those terribly awful feelings making it hard to breathe as I type this) and still carry on in my life. To me, this is being OK.

  21.  #21Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 3:53 am


    Thank you for this beautiful eloquent writing about these experiences. Needless to say I identify with it very strongly. I never really had the experiences with men disappearing on me, but the rest – OH god YES. The truth is, maybe I am a bit hard on myself about my ability to cope.

    As I read your post I realised I am in much the same place… maybe not as far along the road as you BUT this: “There is a personal level of coping, of OKness and it’s about striving to keep pushing that point a little further into strength and then a bit further and a bit further, each time pushing it into a point a little past what I think I could stand and learning to live through the intense fear and triggers that come up until I’m feeling balanced, like myself. Then a long rest full of self-soothing, and then push it a little again. It’s an ongoing process for me”

    This is EXACTLY where I am. I don’t go as far or as much as I would like every single day, but there are some days when I do, and every day I try not to slip back into the exact same habits that I used to have, and I try to push my strength a little bit further in some area. Most days, I do succeed at this, and who can ask for more than this?

    I know when I wrote my post #18 that it’s my fear talking. But I know that I am pushing myself and developing and growing and getting better all the time, and the quality of the men and the relationships in my life is 100 times better than it was in times gone by, my neediness, anxiety and difficult times are FAR less than they used to be, and always getting better, and considering my background, this is something to celebrate is it not?

    I know that the fear comes from that part of me that doubts that I can “do” this, and I intend to love and soothe that part of me as much as I can, while at the same time developing better, more feminine ways all the time. I think of it like training a muscle, where progress comes in increments, and you do your best and you let yourself rest and you take care of yourself, and then you try again, and one day you look back and it’s all much easier. But I think you just have to COMMIT to certain things.

    I do know that I will never abandon myself. It is just that sometimes very surprising and strange feelings come up and I don’t know what to do with them. Just feel them and let them go, I suppose?

  22.  #22Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 4:22 am


    Mmhm, yes, I am nodding along with all that you say. I don’t know what to do with those strange feelings either, so as you say I usually give them some room to run around my body and mind until they find an exit on their own. Sometimes it is hard not to give them extra energy but with time I’m building that muscle.

    For what it’s worth I think you are doing beyond great! You are certainly not the same person you were when I first came to the blog. You have always had a softness and a quiet dignity to you and I feel such a tremendous amount of strength from you these days…which I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for. So what if you feel awful some days? It’s just one of many emotions, no better or worse. (I could do well to remember this myself.)

    And yes I hear you very well on the strange fears and feelings that come up, I have had these the last few days too. Yesterday for instance I was very focused on a bunch of things I had to do for myself, work and errands and such. Then in the evening I realized I had not thought about TenderCD at all the whole day or up to that point in the evening. Then I felt this rush of panic, as though I had somehow messed up by not THINKING about him for even a moment. Good lord, my brain is so weird! I feel embarrassed thinking about how long it took me to soothe myself out of that. Sometimes when I start to get big, feel big, I’ll feel a tremendous rush of fear, as though allowing myself to expand that much will somehow cause bad things to happen. Weird conditioning.

    Do you have Rori’s Love Scripts program? Right now I am re-reading the companion book Make Him Fall For You and it’s filled with lots of amazing tools that are helping me to soothe these fears with the power of the TRUTH. Truths I know somewhere deep inside that are afraid to speak up for fear that wonderful things might happen. 😉

  23.  #23Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 4:34 am

    OK, I have to laugh. Because even as the fear surges up the Universe (my inner Goddess?) keeps giving me signs that all is well…Indigo the time stamp for your post reads as 3:53 here, and 353 is what TenderCD texts me when he’s really busy but thinking of me.

    It stands for [his initials] loves [my initials]. Now I feel giggly!

  24.  #24Azure Blu on February 20, 2015 at 4:43 am

    Indigo and Labbit!!!
    Just beautiful…. So wonderful to read your conversation and hear your powerful, feminine
    Siren song…
    it’s a soothing melody

  25.  #25Femininewoman on February 20, 2015 at 5:03 am

    April I read your comment and I felt my inner boy leaning forward to throw a kiss at you. My inner girl felt delicious just reading that.

  26.  #26Victoria on February 20, 2015 at 5:07 am

    Indigo, Labbit,
    I am intrigued by what you shared.
    Now you may find it strange, but I have never feared that someone would leave me. Men have left me (and I have left others) but this type of fear is completely foreign to me. Of the two men who have left me and left a scar, one was a high school boyfriend who I did not like too much to begin with, but then I had s*x with him, and kind of felt an obligation to try to keep an otherwise mediocre relationship last, in order for people not to think I am easy. The other guy, we dated like for 5 years, and s*x between us was simply not ok, but I wanted to fix it, to prove to myself that I am a true miracle, and I can make everything better. This is probably why I get so triggered by Mandy’s story, it reminds me of my younger self and how much she wanted to be able to fix and to show that love is the answer to every problem, and how exhausting that was.
    There probably have been others who left me, but I don’t remember it as something truly painful. With F., I have no worry that he would leave me. I think I am a wonderful partner for him, and, whenever something between us is not working, it is because of him, not because of me. In the highly unlikely event that he’d leave me, I am sure that 1) I will grive but will eventually meet someone I like even better, and 2) he would leave me only under temporary insanity, and as soon as he recovers, he will beg me to take him back.
    So, Indigo, I am virtually sending you my magical high-confincence dust!

  27.  #27Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 5:08 am


    Oh my goodness you make me blush, your post and your acknowledging and noticing my strength and how much I have grown makes me feel so good 🙂

    And I am so over the moon delighted about the serendipity of the time stamp and TenderCd’s message! The Universe is always giving me little reminders like that too and I think it’s so beautiful!

    The weird feelings, yeah… for example, today D asked me what time I was coming over tonight, it’s a totally innocent question and I had the weirdest feeling you could possibly imagine, also like an inexplicable panic. I can’t even tell you why. Almost like by some strange logic my brain was thinking that he should have instinctively known what time I was coming over. What the… ? How crazy is that! Like you, I was very surprised by this sudden feeling and embarrassed to admit that it actually took some energy to soothe myself and turn away from that feeling.

    Azure Blu – your siren song is soothing too! 🙂

  28.  #28Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 5:12 am


    Thank you, and I derive a great deal of inspiration and delight from reading about your sassy confidence, I really do!

  29.  #29Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 5:15 am

    Azure Blu – 🙂

    Victoria — Ahh, may I have some of your high-confidence dust too? I LOVE how strong you are in yourself, I feel so drawn to this part of you like a magnet! I feel light and radiant and excited knowing this part of you, and thinking I could maybe have it too someday! I have at times felt this confident way and when I was a teen I felt that way all the time. I know that losing the confidence comes from some incompleteness in me, some spot inside where I am not whole. I have not yet been able to heal that part of me…it is getting better all the time, but is ongoing. I can love the incompleteness now which is huge progress.

  30.  #30Victoria on February 20, 2015 at 5:26 am

    Labbit, Indigo,
    to an ouside observer from across the world (that would be me :-), you both are extremely beautiful, complex, amazing women, and the men who have your presence and love are IMMENSELY lucky.
    Men get to experience emotions mainly through their female partners, and the men who date you are immensely lucky to be dating very emotional women. In the masculine world there is very little emotion, and many men are starved for it.
    Also, I think each of our men, got even luckier the momen we discovered Rori. I think each of us has become more balanced and a better partner and a better woman from Rori’s teaching and the collective wisdome we share here.
    Much love to you!

  31.  #31Andrea on February 20, 2015 at 6:57 am

    My inner boy hunkered down and got my taxes done. That feels so relieving. I feel taken care of and safe, knowing I have a little pocket of money coming in.

    My inner boy sat me down with a heart to heart and asked me to please stop throwing temper tantrums about deadlines. He said, “your drama is procrastination in it’s most destructive form.”
    We set aside two hours last night to concentrate on my writing, deadline past due, but a grace period will allow me to get it in and still get the points for it.

    My inner boy said it’s okay that you don’t know how to navigate everything that this world puts in your path all by yourself. That’s what professionals are for, to help.
    Set up an appointment with a therapist and filled out all the paperwork and organized my health insurance.

    My inner boy is saying, “Let me take care of things for a little while. Okay? You’re calling for me, let me be here!!”

    I got a text this morning from one of my long distance would be suitors. I honestly panicked. What do I say? How do I respond? What am I supposed to do? How do I feel?

    My inner boy said, “I’m here. No response necessary.”
    And deleted the text message and turned my phone off.

    This morning I’m feeling like it’s okay to admit that I’m really NOT ready to let someone come into my inner circle, sanctuary, safe zone. That I really CAN control who has personal and intimate access to me.

    I’m feeling like I actually have a whole bunch of really great men in my life, my brothers, my dad and step dad, my grandpa… all who have made a conscious decision to walk this path with me and to work out our hurts, pains, trauma, loves, joys, blessings, together.

    I’m feeling like it’s okay if the romantic “leads” don’t measure up. I have been in the habit of making interludes, excuses, working my ass off to build bridges that close in the gaps, and then blaming them that I’m working so hard. Instead I finally realized I have the right to say, “This one does not measure up. Not to my standards. Not to what I want.”

    Without explanation, or apology, or amends. I get to say No.

    Boy energy is saying… “Hey, if you want access to Andrea, be better than ME. I offer her all that she needs right now. If you think you can offer more.. more joy, brightness, stability, excitement, tenderness, altruism, intelligence, thoughtful showing up, patterns of goodness, laughter, etc…. If you think you can offer more, then try. Try.”

    I think that’s what my drunk self was saying to those men that I called last weekend. I think I was saying, “Why do you think you have the right to text me and interrupt my energy flow, when you put forth no other effort than that to be the kind of man who is worthy of me?”

    And there only answer could have been: Because you continue to let me. You continue to respond to my doggie crumbs. So why would I give you anything more?

    It hurts me to realize this. It hurts that it seems to be a continual cycle for me. When will I be done with this pattern.

  32.  #32Mistea1 on February 20, 2015 at 7:39 am

    Indigo 18
    You wrote “visceral level, when I love someone that is a huge deal to me. I cannot just be ok with it, with the thought that another man will come along. Am I alone in this?”

    Lots of thoughts here for me. i’ve been told that using the Rori tools, another one a better one is out there. It’s not like some commodity where one can pick the shinniest one or like a toddler who can be distracted by a toy as mother takes away the sharp knife. Maybe the toddler can’t handle the sharp knife but to a learning and/or skilled craftsman it would be a necessary tool to create beauty. So yes, I’m conflicted about this as well.

    I know when I did the lean back which I agree was the right thing to do to show by actions. But when I came back he was very defensive and saved face by letting me know he had many others in his life and didn’t need or want me.

    It was a checkmate I guess because I couldn’t be a doormat which is what I would have had to do.

    The other part for me was the seeming deep attachment. Was it to the person or is it to the deep emotions uncovered by the music alone? Was it because there is something in me that needs to respond to the music?

    I know Rori et.al. has commented on the physicality of sex interfering with our emotions, attachment and to be cautious here. I can intellectually agree with this but I have had s*x with all of them except this one.

    So for me this is my own paradox. I will not again give up my music, I’ve moved away physically from the one in whom my response to music was awakened again. How do I come to terms with this deep longing that if I give into it will destroy me.

    Interesting, I haven’t mentioned love. If not love what was this and why am I still mulling this over after 55 days? I’m moving on and only finding it coming up in my mind every 5-7 days now.

    Thanks for giving me the chance to process at a deeper level.

  33.  #33Mistea1 on February 20, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Labbit 19,

    When I read your post I thought of my issues around survive and thrive. Most of my life has been about survive. Yes, sure, when I survive I am alive. It’s like “seeing through a lens darkly.”

    I’m feeling like the proverbial thirsty person in the desert only the desert is full of oasis’ with well hydrated people happily running around and I can’t see them.

    I agree about the anger though. It is part of being able to thrive in our life situations. I’m angry not at any thing specific. I deserve better than this, this seeming attempt at punishing me for evoking feelings on both our parts.

    I guess neither of us could seperate emotions from the music with human emotions to another. Maybe it can’t be done. I don’t know. I thought I was responding to the emotion of the music. Maybe I don’t know what ‘chemistry’ is.

  34.  #34Mistea1 on February 20, 2015 at 8:08 am

    Andrea 30,

    Right on Andrea!!!!

  35.  #35Mandy on February 20, 2015 at 11:10 am


    Oh, I whole-heartedly agree. Thanks for responding.

    Where I am, in Arizona, it’s lots of sand and spiky pokey things and snakes, lol, so I have to be careful if I hike…but…This time of year the air and weather is seriously nothing short of heavenly, and I feel myself melting whenever I notice it.I could easily go to my parent’s house and take a walk through the neighborhood, to my old secret spot where I used to go to think.

  36.  #36Mandy on February 20, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Truly, I need to find something fun and passionate to fill my time and thoughts. I am so BORED lately….boredom can turn into depression for me…which is a weird concept…can someone actually be sad from little stimulation? 😛

    I tried changing my pattern with J by coming to him out of love and missing…I opened up and told him I feel vulnerable for not one particular reason, and also I miss him. He looked at me with soft, sweet, understanding eyes, and reached out and grabbed my hand. That’s the most positive reaction I’ve gotten yet. Usually he shuts down, and I feel like I’ve done something very wrong. I thought how could “I miss you” possibly have enough of an impact on him, but it has more than a demanding phrase….I liken it to catching more flies with honey than with vinegar?

    I’m going to get another massage because it makes me feel like I’m taking care of myself and getting some caring touch and some pain relief too.

    Speaking of which, I was referred to a rheumatologist for my Hyper-mobility issues, and they will test me for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I hope I can get the diagnosis because honestly, it would be very relieving to know that the problems I have with my body aren’t my fault. (People with Hypermobility and EDS can be accident-prone with depth-perception issues, anxious, depressive, with easy bruising, delicate connective tissue and constant tendonitis and tears in muscles and ligaments, with a possible chance of the heart’s valves becoming stressed and broken.) It would absolve me of a lot of feelings that feel really weird, awkward, and just dorky.

    I know I want badly to go to couples counseling, or for J to at least try to go to a therapist even if by himself. So…anyone have advice of if you want to go to couples counseling, do you let him find the therapist and take the both of you to a session, with the risk of him never doing it, or do you tell him how you feel and that you know of a therapist that will see you both, and then ask him what he thinks?

    Personally I feel like I totally deserve for him to come with me to a therapy appointment. I feel entitled. That could produce feelings of defiance for him. It would for me if he demanded we go do something. I never liked it when my parents forced me into therapy when I had my first major depression at age 12. I guess that’s not a good place to come from.
    At least I know what I really really want. I want to see him try and go through some therapy with me. In fact I’m kind of dead set on it. He said he would, so let’s go here…I’ll get it going if I have to, is what I’m saying.

    Sirens, feel free to let me know how you feel about that. I can imagine there’d be lots of reactions, and I feel open to what they might be…about what my demanding sounds like, lol. I know it’s not favorable.

  37.  #37Mandy on February 20, 2015 at 11:17 am

    My inner boy is seriously jonesing to take control LOL. He’s a control freak, and a tiger…and a go-getter…and like one of those football players who can just run through anyone and anything…a battering ram…very strong and very much a Viking, a strong force…and my guy will likely meet him with defiance, even if he can’t overpower my boy, because it makes him feel good to stand up to a driving force.

  38.  #38Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 12:53 pm


    I don’t have Love Scripts, but it’s on my list to get, along with Dominique’s Goddess Way communication modules, as soon as things with my new apartment are paid down a bit.

  39.  #39Indigo on February 20, 2015 at 12:58 pm


    Rori has a blog article somewhere (actually I think there are two that deal with this same issue) about how to “change” your man – that is, when you want your man to take some positive action for his own and the relationship’s benefit. I thought the advice and the way she said to handle it was so excellent.

    Maybe the other Sirens know the articles and can link to them, otherwise I’ll have a look for them.

    Basically it was something along the lines of you deliver a feeling message of what feels important to you, then you say that there’s this great professional who can help, and you leave the brochure on the table and then you DROP IT. Rori’s advice was great. Basically you want to tread carefully here, because anything that feels like pressure or demands to a man is going to be resisted.

  40.  #40Stephanie on February 20, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Love this Rori! Insightful questions and on point, thank you xo

    For me, my boy energy had led most of my life in all area’s of my life, until I studied your work and took RRCT. It was destructive and full on. It was over protective because I had not had any men in my life protect me.

    Now, my boy energy is like the bench under my yummy girl bum. It supports me. It’s solid. It’s there yet it’s not front and centre anymore. It gives me courage when I need it. It gives me determination when I need it. It helps my girl energy from behind the scenes.

    The one thing my boy energy gives me is knowing that I can handle anger and icky emotions. Whether they are mine or my own. I won’t die if my man gets mad at me. The relationship won’t end if I get mad at him. It’s okay to express emotions and know that they will pass. It’s a distinction of knowing when to express and how to express that I appreciate most through your training and what I share with my clients.

    My boy energy whispers to my girl, “You can do it. On the other side of fear is everything you want. You won’t die. They won’t die. Life goes on. I’ve got your back.”

    And in turn, that is the type of man I have and the relationship that we have created with the help of your tools Rori – after years of on again off again. I transformed who I was BEing and therefore the relationship transformed too. Powerful.

  41.  #41Mandy on February 20, 2015 at 2:17 pm


    Ooh, very helpful…I will dig…

    This reminds me of how my mom plants the seed of an idea in my dad’s head so he chews on it and then thinks it’s his idea when he decides he likes it, lol. She says it works for her, lol.

  42.  #42Gemini Goddess on February 20, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Just got a turn down email for a job I really wanted. So bummed out. I don’t want this. 🙁

  43.  #43Gemini Goddess on February 20, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Can’t believe how upset I am about this.

  44.  #44Liquid Light on February 20, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Man overload

    I’m going to big fundraising event as someone’s date tomorrow night. He’s the organizer/head honcho and asked me before but I wasn’t that into it. (We don’t know each other that well.) Then he asked me again today for tomorrow and I kinda felt bad for him and plus I think it will be a fun. It’s not like these types of events happen very often.

    I’m going out with Finn again on Tuesday.

    Another guy I met the other night at a meetup called me last night and wants to get together.

    I’ve got several guys from online that want to get together.

    Plus there’s v-day hunk. I haven’t heard from him in a few days…but his father passed away recently so that’s probably why. Poor guy.

    I’m most excited about Finn and v-day hunk guy. They are total opposites though, its so funny. V day hunk is so darn sexy and kinda sweet but also a bit of a mess. Sigh. Finn is solid as a rock, very sweet, and courting me like a true gentleman. Awhhh.

  45.  #45Liquid Light on February 20, 2015 at 3:38 pm


  46.  #46Gemini Goddess on February 20, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light!..and I like love hearing about your “man overload” 🙂

    …hmmm…thinking I need to look at the job search like circular dating. I got to “emotionally attached” to the one candidate. Drat!

  47.  #47Linda on February 20, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I love what Andrea said in #30…and I say amen! Especially the part about how well her boy energy takes care of her and the interrupting the energy flow.

    I am going to remember that if a man is going to come into my life he will need to take better care of me than I can. I wont feel respect for anyone who doesnt or cant. Stepping on my boy toes does feel disrespectful.

    There has been only one man whom did that right in my life. He actually admired and complimented me about it… then he trumped it, leaving it in tact. I wish I knew then what I know now. My feminine energy was so repressed and malnourished then.

    There has got to be someone out there who will just fit in with my energy flow. When I find that it will feel sooo wonderful. I feel gushy just imaginging it.

    Maybe thats it ! This is what I want to attract.

  48.  #48Linda on February 20, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    I took myself out on a date this afternoon after work. I went to the movies. Saw 50 Shades. THe theater was almost empty.

    When I was driving home I thought about how far I have come. There was a time I would have never gone to the movies alone. It felt so sad and lonely. Such pity I felt for myself. While I was driving I realized I felt quite at peace and happy …not one single shred of negative anything.

    Now I am sitting here in my favorite sleeping attire all cozy on my sofa and its alll good. I feel centered tonight. How pleased I am in this moment.

    Now as far as the movie goes… well it was ok. I have not read the books. Anyway…I found myself focused on the emotional aspect of the movie. He was like a moth drawn to her even though it would seem the other way around and he never ever dominated her. She had alll the control.

  49.  #49Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 6:57 pm

  50.  #50Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Gemini Goddess — Aww, what a bummer! I have been in your shoes before and it is never fun. I hope this means that something even better is on the horizon.

    Liquid Light — I love your man overload! LOL. I can’t wait to hear how all these dates go.

    Linda — Sounds like a lovely self-date! 🙂 I love taking myself out on dates too…there is something that feels so good to me about being open, out and about. Sometimes I’ll take myself out to a nice restaurant, sit at the bar and chat with any businessmen that start talking to me.

  51.  #51Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    So poor TenderCD is passed out in bed already, sick as a dog. I did get a chance to fuss over him earlier which I enjoyed immensely but now things are very quiet and my mind is racing.

    I realize I’ve made it into the unknown. I’ve made it past the point I’ve been at in any previous relationship. Normally by now my relationship would only still be together if I was doing all the work, rowing the boat with all I had, feeling miserable yet afraid to stop.

    And now…I receive. I lean back. I take care of me. TenderCD rows the boat and he is amazing at it. I don’t always get what I think I want but when I slow down and receive what TenderCD does give I realize all the wonderful things he does for me, how much he cares about me and wants me to be happy at all times. I don’t have to do anything and whenever I try it knocks our energy exchange off-balance. So I don’t try. We are both happier for it. We have a beautiful, functional relationship that isn’t perfect but grows everyday. It feels so real, like something I can almost touch and hold. Like a newborn baby, all swaddled up and cooing and blowing bubbles.

    I feel weightless. I feel like I’m floating in space. But it’s not a cold, empty, dark space. I see bright, colorful stars all around me, it’s warm, and the sun is shining softly lighting my way. Sometimes I feel floaty and peaceful and I just glide with whatever invisible force is moving me around. Sometimes I feel panicky when I realize I’m not attached to anything and I start flailing and desperately reaching out for something to hold on to — my old behaviors.

    I feel excited that I get to write my own story and I also feel very scared of this…what if I do it wrong? I am knee-deep in trigger after trigger right now, old fears shouting at me as my Nasty Voices.

    The loudest one is the voice that talks about the other shoe dropping — how nothing good ever lasts. I have an opportunity to learn to love this voice…to heal it…to make it part of me instead of trying to get rid of it. I feel a little braver, like maybe I can do this. I know the TRUTH, which is that I can’t go backwards to my old ways so things are only going to get better. I expect better. I intend to believe that more joy awaits.

    I feel shivery and tingly and a bit tense, but I also feel warm and secure and sufficient. I am enough just for being me, just for being a woman. I love you Nasty Voice and I don’t need to get rid of you. You are part of me and I don’t want you to ever leave. But I don’t need this warning right now, and I’m going to keep moving forward to love…

  52.  #52Labbit on February 20, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    April Rose — I don’t know how I missed your comment from Arthur Rose but I absolutely adore it!!! What a lovely viewpoint to share here…I feel sparked by it. 🙂

  53.  #53lovetodance on February 20, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    i had not heard from my date last monday…last nite i tussled with my default rejection feelings….am i not good enough? what did i do wrong? he must want someone [fill in the blank] not me….

    do i want him ….of course… now that i am not sure about him wanting me or not…

    all i could see were the positives i felt about him…lots of those….

    in the night i saw my psychic pain as boy energy…reaching out…wanting him to call me….yearning, pining….wanting to make an outcome…

    i reckoned with the voices….saying i no longer will allow pining, whining, yearning…this is old old old internal whiplash….it is doing nothing but hurting me…

    then i came up with just sinking into my sweet vulnerable, lovely, soft and cushioney girl energy…just naturally leaned back…receptive, just there and luminous

    he called this morning….sooooo nice to speak with him….

    and now i am dealing with the next pop up….my ambivalence….seeing all the things that scare me about him, that don’t feel like a fit…

    oh my goodness…the merry go round of it!

    i just keep telling myself….stay in the moment….stay in the moment…i don’t have to go faster than i want…

    and i am having problems navigating inside myself about searching out other cd’s
    this one is so sincere and not a player…
    so gosh…this is more complicated than i had bargained for…

    i feel so inexperienced at the moment….

  54.  #54lovetodance on February 20, 2015 at 9:26 pm


    just saw that he is online….okay alright i do not have to take responsibility for his feelings..we hardly know each other…he is a grown man….

    my responsibility is to myself…

    to stay with how i feel…not worry so much about the possibility of hurting someone else’s feelings that i have just met…and even if we continue to get to know each other….i get to keep my net wide….to give myself breathing space…space to really know who i am who i am becoming and who i want to be with….

    i want to do this with integrity and honesty and most important of all

    A Light Heart! Ashe!

  55.  #55Gemini Goddess on February 20, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    Linda, Labbit, LovetoDance

    I’m so enjoying your posts tonight. They feel so centered to self-aware, so goddessy despite uncertainty and life mystery and turmoil.

    I am glowing in your energy, sirens.

  56.  #56Gemini Goddess on February 20, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Labbit 50

    “I realize I’ve made it into the unknown. I’ve made it past the point I’ve been at in any previous relationship. Normally by now my relationship would only still be together if I was doing all the work, rowing the boat with all I had, feeling miserable yet afraid to stop.”

    I feel exactly like this. A couple weeks ago, i had a bit of a freak-out on the phone to my mom. She could have been a great siren. Sometimes she comes up with beautiful insights. She said “Babe, you just didn’t realize you could tight rope walk. You were doing just fine until you looked down.” Smart mama.

  57.  #57Indigo on February 21, 2015 at 12:26 am

    ((((Gemini Goddess))))

    Linda – I love dates by myself, especially going to the movies! For me, I find it a very important part of my life as an introvert, and I enjoy them more and more, the more I break down any negative feelings or preconceptions about them.

    In fact, I just adore sitting in the cinema by myself – the darkness and being anonymous feels so comforting. Intimacy and relationships are so wonderful, but I personally feel that it’s important to be able to do these things by yourself.

  58.  #58Lotus on February 21, 2015 at 4:53 am

    Victoria – 29
    I love what you wrote: ‘Also, I think each of our men, got even luckier the moment we discovered Rori.’

    Mistea – 32
    I’m wondering what would happen for you if the music is changed.. to lift the spell… possibly..

    Mandy – was thinking about activities… how about going on a train out of town and admiring the passing view, and filling the eyes with beautiful things like visiting an art gallery? I find going on solo journeys and seeing a different view always lifts me up and gives more energy and perspective.

    Liquid Light – looking forward to the dating updates!

    Love to Dance – 52
    Yes! I totally resonate with you, this is exactly where I was.

    ‘and now i am dealing with the next pop up….my ambivalence….seeing all the things that scare me about him, that don’t feel like a fit…
    oh my goodness…the merry go round of it!
    i just keep telling myself….stay in the moment….stay in the moment…i don’t have to go faster than i want…
    and i am having problems navigating inside myself about searching out other cd’s
this one is so sincere and not a player…
so gosh…this is more complicated than i had bargained for…
    i feel so inexperienced at the moment….’

  59.  #59Lotus on February 21, 2015 at 5:00 am

    Needing to riff a little…

    I sank into the longest bath ever last night and my feelings came up..

    Feeling a bit overwhelmed, scared, vulnerable…. did I really have that much s-e-x with him last weekend and stay so open and relaxed…
    … so much good energy coming from him.. am I ready for this…

    I thought I just wanted some fun.. and it looks like it could be a lot more… where am I with this..

    Am I feeling a bit ahead of myself as I didn’t make a conscious decision to sleep with him… am I being un-precious with my girl… why did I give myself so quickly… feeling a bit confused with my thoughts..

    Then some tears came, with new joy and adventures, a clarity for wanting a clean chapter from the H, and then smiles for new things and overall good feelings emerging…

    More feelings came up of joy, beautiful images in my mind of travels and new design inspiration for my work..

    Really looking forward to our next date this evening.. and wanting to say I need to go a bit slower… enjoying his company and energy so much.

  60.  #60Lotus on February 21, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Tonight my boy will practice not going for his cash when the girl feels awkward around drinks..

    I will practice letting my girl experience the guy work it out..

    If I feel awkward, I will ask my boy to stand next to my girl and hold her hand…

    I will try to go back to basics.. and say I feel hungry… I feel thirsty.. just that it makes me feel like a little girl who needs to be taken care of.. so my boy steps in to look after my girl..

  61.  #61Bopa on February 21, 2015 at 8:02 am

    My boy takes care of me, he does all the boy tasks that my girl feels turned off by. I have many tasks in my life that require my boy to step up.
    My boy loves me. My boy is also critical sometimes. A bit of a hard ass. A bit of an *exhasperated sigh*. Do it right every time or i’ll do it for you.
    I feel a mingling of of my boy and girl energies. Perhaps I have left them “unchecked” for some time now. Perhaps my boy is showing up and taking over where he thinks my girl is not handling her interactions with her man “correctly”. Perhaps she has forgotten how to do her curiosity and gentle reminders. She knows her interactions with her man are her territory and yet she lets the boy swoop in and take over because…It’s easier?

  62.  #62Bopa on February 21, 2015 at 8:09 am

    My intention is to be very aware. To be curious, to notice, to tell my boy that it would feel so much better if he allowed my girl the space to be with her man un-checked. Because she knows what she’s doing. I feel lighter already with this intention.

  63.  #63Azure Blu on February 21, 2015 at 10:04 am

    LTD #52…
    sharing your process with your authentic, vulnerable
    lovely melody of your voice…

    Ahhh, yes… the pull towards him when you havn’t heard from him
    and the Push away after talking again…from talking and getting more of a feel for who is (well as much as you can know right now)
    I feel positive about your interest into trying to
    cd more than one man…
    Your boy energy leading you to understand
    how online dating works…
    that him being online is NOT your business yet…
    and has NOTHING to do with how
    LOVABLE and WORTHY you are!!

  64.  #64lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:10 am

    sirens….all my gals…experienced, not as experienced…all insights welcomed…..

    when one is cding and online dating….

    and one tells the other that one is beginning to date others also….

    and then the other one discloses they are not…but then you see them online dating….

    how does one…..stay ….shall we say….very centered….and do what one initially wanted the other to do…to just accept that one is also seeing other people

    cutting to the chase…i feel insecure when seeing he is out there looking for others even tho i theoretically am too [even tho the pickins have looked slim]….

    this is a beautiful person with a past ….and a not lucrative, just getting by present….yet i feel his heart….he is a stretch some ways for me… i feel just about anybody would be since it has been a looooonnnngggg time since dating, since wanting to open up to the reality of a real time romantic or even just dating reality…. i feel he has good things to teach me….

    so maybe i am beginning to answer my own wonderings….
    just stay in touch with my feelings….go where i want to….if i am allowing contact and connections with other people…..just stretching enough to know that he is doing that also….

    any feelings thoughts in response welcome….

  65.  #65lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:13 am

    just saw your post azure…thank you…good wise words lovely siren!

    gemini goddess thank you for your words last nite…they made me feel sparkling and valuable… and i loved what your mom said….about not looking down…yes …she is savvy and spicey….like her daughter!

    lotus…so glad you could resonate with i expressed last nite…
    and you feel to me like you are doing such a splendid job!

  66.  #66Rori Raye on February 21, 2015 at 10:18 am

    Sami – HI! – Everyone – Sami is an amazing coach…she’s absolutely ready to help you – go to her site and take advantage of her free coaching session – Love, Rori

  67.  #67April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 10:21 am

    testing testing. It seems I can’t post any more…????

  68.  #68April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Oh! I can!

    How strange. I wrote earlier that Arthur apologises for his comment (number 5) because he knows that this is a women’s blog.

    Thank you Mistea, Linda, FW and Labbit for your appreciation of his contribution.

  69.  #69Azure Blu on February 21, 2015 at 10:24 am

    I might be misunderstanding what you are saying…

    I think this is a perfect time to start practicing
    your FM with your cd…
    who is FREE therapy and GREAT practice!!!

    You could say something like…
    “I’ve just started dating after some time. Eventually I want someone to walk into the sunset with, for now I feel happy exploring what makes me happy and new experiences… I continue to date online until such a time and I see you are too. What are your thoughts?”
    YOu or other sirens may have better FM… :-))

  70.  #70April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 10:27 am

    I feel anxious, annoyed, angry. I am feeling empathic with Andrea.

    I have been asking what is it with me that the men I have assembled in my world are not acting like the heroes I think I want.

    I feel furious.

    I am judging their lame behaviour.

    I have more fun when I skip out of my judging brain and into my loving heart.

  71.  #71lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:31 am

    wow…beautiful feeling message azure….

    i will if there is the opportune and right space….use that it is lovely!…….

    it is not judging, it is loving, and its the truth….

  72.  #72April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Arthur here (please forgive me. I am an inner man after all, not really a man!)

    My April is beginning to attract a better sort of fellow.


    A decent one has come along. Well, decent in many respects, but still… he does not dress very smartly. And he is a smoker. I know my April feels sad around smokers and she does not want to fall in love with one or live with one.

    Oh dear. How to deal with this one. She is going out with him this evening. He is of good character I think.

    But, but … the smoking. And he has a bad back….

    I want my April to have a fine, healthy, handsome chap on her arm. Someone kind, yet capable, and who keeps himself in tip top condition for her.

  73.  #73Mistea1 on February 21, 2015 at 10:33 am

    Lotus 58,

    Thanks for your comment. I’ve thought of that. I’ve been singing my Great American songbook jazz standards, my India mantras and enjoying the Chinese New Year music as well.

    The music seems to be the catalyst rather than the cause. I’m very open and spontaneous which is new and a little uncomfortable but I guess it’s something to accept and be ok with. I feel I’m in a safe spot but it takes getting used to.

    But dang, there is a longing for an unavailable person that I didn’t intend.

  74.  #74Indigo on February 21, 2015 at 10:41 am

    lovetodance 64,

    I agree with what Azure Blu has posted to you in # 63.

    Wondering why he is online when he has said he is not dating anyone else is just a sign to you that you are a little more invested than you should be, and a sign for you to pull back a little. The reason for this is that it is very early on, and no it’s not your business yet… Also, you have absolutely no idea why he’s online, for all you know he could be going through his own profile or simply reading other people’s profiles, or he could be looking to see if you’re online! Do you see how the nasty voice wants to fret and worry about what it means? It’s a great opportunity to gently practice turning away and leaning back, NOT looking, and practicing not being invested if you do see him online.

    Don’t worry about what men are or are not doing… this is a great opportunity to see yourself as the prize.


  75.  #75Mistea1 on February 21, 2015 at 10:42 am

    April Rose 70,

    Well, I like that you can admit to being furious. It seems to clear the inner air and can lead to some clear thinking on the subject.

    Is it judging to evaluate and list your criteria for what you want in a man?

  76.  #76lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:42 am

    mr. rose..

    well howdya do…they call me’loving the dang dance fella’

    and gosh darn’t my lady’s got a pretty broken down one on her hands too…gorgeous but been thro it…

    geesch and all these years i got her going, climbing up and down all those hills, shaking her cute bootie [if i don’t say so myself] till she drops, helping her to eat right so she don’t end up sick and sore….and look who we bring in

    beauty in a broken shell….

    so whats a inner guy to do…tell her to forget about it?!him?
    or see the increddible diamond in the ruff ruff ruff in front of her…

    anyhows mr rose…looks like we got our work cut out for us…gotta get skipping now pardner…hats off to ya!

    and good luck to you’s about the smoking fella…people do quit tho….when their good and ready…seen it myself…

  77.  #77lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:44 am


    i feel such richness from you and your life…your musical and cultural horizons are vast…

    and i feel your perseverence towards healing strong and vital…

    keep up the good work rich and fluid siren!

  78.  #78lovetodance on February 21, 2015 at 10:48 am

    indigo 74

    thank you thank you so much for these wise and experienced words…

    i so need this direction now..and strong guidance…

    like rori says…keep practicing until all this becomes the default mode/reaction….

    yes yes yes to that!

  79.  #79Mistea1 on February 21, 2015 at 11:00 am

    LTD 76,

    Love this . . . “Look who we bring in, beauty in a broken shell.” Yes, isn’t it the truth. It must be something we have to learn.

    Your inner husband is taking good care of you. You can trust his wisdom.

    You are right, not to discard too early. I wonder if it is a little defense on our part if we kind of like the guy a little more?

  80.  #80Dominique on February 21, 2015 at 11:25 am

    Indigo – 39 – This isn’t exactly what you’re talking about, yet it is. And it may help shed additional light on this or at least shift perspective.



  81.  #81Lovergirl on February 21, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    I am feeling scared and worried. I ended up going to the ER a couple of days ago because I was worried about my pregnancy tests continuing to get darker and still feeling pregnant after a miscarriage (yet continuing to bleed). I was confused as to what was going on with my body and had a glimmer of hope I might still be pregnant. My hcg level was up to 2500.

    They did tests and ultrasound and there is no baby but they said I have a lot more leftover tissue than expected for how far along I was. They said I could have been further along or it could have been mulitples. That confirmed to me that what I saw was probably right and it probably was twins (because I know exactly when I got pregnant).

    I was prescribed cytotec and am terrified of taking it. I am planning to see if I can get a d&c instead, if this tissue doesn’t pass on its own soon. They said it is ok to wait through the weekend, and I have an appt on Monday.

    Anyhow, in the meantime I had told my guy my concerns (mistake). He flipped out when I said I was worried I might still be pregnant and accused me of all sorts of horrible things, like lying and trying to “trap” him and told me to get an abortion. It broke my heart because just a few days before he had said he was coming around and said really nice things about me and what he had thought about having a baby with me (after he thought I miscarried).

    I felt awful and unsupported and scared of what was going on. I drove myself to the hospital in a snowstorm, nauseous, dizzy and bleeding. I felt abandoned, even though he did act concerned over text. He never bothered to ask what hospital I was at or come to be with me and I later felt resentful and angry.

    When I texted to tell him the results he said “well, at least we have a definite answer” and I said “yeah you can go out and party, have a great time”. He responded “whatever you think you’re so smart” and I pretty much lost it.

    I sarcastically thanked him for being such a fabulous “friend” that he didn’t even bother to come to the hospital. I said the only thing I felt good about was that I had confirmation I wasn’t “lying” about miscarrying possible twins. I told him I was crushed about losing the babies but relieved to know I wouldn’t be “trapped” by having children with him. I said I would be the one with all the responsibility and much more “trapped” than him so it was stupid to accuse me of that in the first place. I told him I’d hate for anyone who said the kind of nasty things he’d said to me that day to be the father of my children and that he had a lot of growing up to do before he is ready to be a father.

    I said my life could be at risk with hemorrhaging and that a halfway decent person would have offered to help me in some way or get me to the doctor, instead of yelling about abortion. He had also made a rude comment about me not having insurance (I was pending medicaid for pregnant women but it takes about a month). I said that maybe he thinks someone that can’t afford it is scum of the earth but what does that make a man who CAN afford it, but doesn’t even offer to help out?

    He said he didn’t think they would let me leave the ER if my life was at risk and asked how much it all cost. He offered to pay for the medicines and pregnancy tests I had taken and says to let him know what I work out with the hopsital about the bill, he would help work something out if I have to pay.

    I wasn’t appeased and told him no amount of money would make up for me feeling abandoned and scared there by myself. I told him I felt angry and resentful, that his reaction seemed cruel and unnecessary, his accusations were false and that he had wished this on me when I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. I said if he had been in the hospital for any reason I would have made an effort to be there and that I felt betrayed.

    I said I don’t know if I ever want to see him again. He said that it was ok for me to be angry and resentful, that he can’t change that and doesn’t care to. He said “I am really not interested in seeing you either”. I was like “I’m sure. And your offer to help pay for things was probably insincere too. Thanks for nothing”. He told me to “go get validation elsewhere please”. I said I don’t even have a comment for that, its so off the wall. I’m hurting and in pain and you are clearly not someone I can count on.

    The next morning I texted him”I feel like you’ve turned on me when I need you to care and be here for me :(“. He called and was nicer. He later sent me money online. I asked if he would come if I need to get a D&C (there has to be someone there with you) and he said he probably could. I thanked him for the money and he said he hoped I was feeling better and that I don’t end up needing surgery. I thanked him for being “nice” (which may have been a little passive aggressive because I was obviously implying that he hadn’t been before).

    Anyway, I feel sick over all of it. I want it to be all better. I want him to apologize and genuinely act like he CARES but I’m not sure I’ll get much more than this. Today is Saturday, which we normally spend together and I haven’t heard a peep from him, not even to check and see how I am doing.

    Maybe I expect too much. I know I am an emotional wreck and laid a lot of blame. Obviously he is a wreck too. I don’t know if there is any way this will get better or not. I am scared that it will be the end of everything between us. 🙁

  82.  #82Violette on February 21, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Lovergirl hang in there. So sorry to hear all that.

  83.  #83Violette on February 21, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    I feel p.o.’d. A just got back from a week away with his son, texted that he wanted to take me to dinner tonight because his son had plans. He just called to tell me his son’s plans were cancelled (his son is 14) but, oh, isn’t he the greatest kid, he said Dad, I know you have plans with your girlfriend, go and see her, and I’ll stay here and watch Netflix. A tells me this story saying, isn’t that a great story, waiting for me to agree, and I didn’t agree, I said I don’t want you to cancel on me last minute, and I don’t love the story. He got angry and hung up. Said he’d see me soon.

    Uh hello, of course his kid isn’t supposed to expect him to cancel his plans if his own plans fall through. That’s actually normal behavior. I didn’t like that conversation. His kid isn’t 5.

    I don’t feel good being told someone else is wonderful because they didn’t ask for a man to cancel on me at the last minute (as in like in 10 minutes).

    This feels so grose. And I promise myself I’m going to feel it anyway.

    My instinct is to tell myself I’m overreacting. That I’m pushing it away. I really don’t feel that way though. Objectively I feel I replied in a perfectly reasonable way. This is on him, not me. He is perfectly welcomed to have his own feelings about it.

    Breathe. Regroup. Letting it go.

    Part of why this really irks me may be that he’s acting like his son is some kind of baby. When I was 14 I was practically living on my own! I was considering sex, I was very independent. I would never in a million years have asked a parent to cancel their plans at the last minute, and they would never have allowed me to…yeah, that’s hard, to watch someone baby someone like that when I was so not babied.

  84.  #84Miss Bells on February 21, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Rori–I have an important question: My longtime boyfriend just had emergency bypass surgery. He is 65, I am 58.

    We are both financially independent and do not share a bank account. But, lately, my fortunes are on the upswing and his are on the downswing.

    We had a easy going thing where we both were independent but love spending our time together too. I am just getting started in a writing career that involves lots of travel. We have been living together for a long time, but now he wants to sell the house (it’s all his) and I have been looking at land in Taos. He is not sure he want to live there but planned on coming and looking.

    Then came the chest pains, which happened when I was on a three week business trip. He didn’t let me know because he didn’t want me to cut my trip short.

    He had an appointment a few days after my return. The doc said it was a widow-maker blockage and admitted him that day. I stayed with him till they wheeled him into the surgery, and sat and waited while they were doing the bypass operation.

    He was on a ventilator for about twenty four hours. He was pretty out of it when they woke him up. I sat with him for about 5 hours. He was holding on to me physically, but shooing me away verbally.

    Today I woke up and was so exhausted I didn’t go over right away. I called a bit after noon instead. He told me not to come. He doesn’t seem to realize that he will need a care giver after he comes home, and, because he is childless and has no siblings or any close by cousins, I am it.

    I had plans to go back out at the end of March and photograph the Sand Hill Cranes on the North Platte River and then travel through Taos, ending up on the east coast for two big trade shows, for which I have already bought my booths, and am listed as a speaker. I was REALLY excited about this particular trip. But if I have to choose, I choose him. The cranes will be gone by the time he is able to be alone again.

    What he says is that he doesn’t want to “inconvenience” me. I have been warned that open heart surgery can cause big emotional problems and behavioral changes. The way we left it was that he said he would call me. I haven’t called him back.

    I would like to have a real conversation with him–about our lives, what just happened, and the fact that the caregiving function is TEMPORARY. I must continue on my path. But I also am completely willing to give up 8 weeks and do all of the necessary tasks, including all driving and cooking, while he is on the mend. He will not be able to drive or lift anything heavier than 5 pounds. He will need help with his meds and getting in and out of bed at first. This is serious stuff. I asked him if he would have dropped everything for me if the situation were reversed and he said yes. How should I approach this?

  85.  #85Miss Bells on February 21, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Update: He called but on his cell phone. He seemed confused about that. We had a good conversation that he won’t remember. He thought I was coming when he told me not to. It is going to be a long spring. And I feel very happy that he will be alive to see it with me…

  86.  #86April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 6:14 pm


    I recently came up with a ‘criteria’ for what I want in a man.
    It was just four things if I remember.
    I deided I needed him to be considerate, confident, capable, and able to be the leader.

    Then I had a spate of getting very annoyed with men who had a significant absence of one of these traits.

    And I noticed that if I wasn’t measuring up the man in front of me to see where he registered on the scale of my criteria, I had a much more enjoyable experience simply being with him with my heart open (and no ‘must-haves’).

  87.  #87Miss Bells on February 21, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Confused because he was calling on the ICU phone. I have his cell phone and wallet because they told me to take those things. When we went to the hospital on Wed. it was for a test–a heart catheterization where they put dye in. We thought we would be going home in a couple of hours.
    This is very intense. It is very hard for me too, though I am not in some of the worst pain a human being can be in and keep breathing. But I have to vent to friends, because I am the rock. He can’t handle ANYTHING right now. And the hospital staff are there for him, not me. Though they have been courteous.
    I am turning to gal pals and Facebook.

  88.  #88April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    ((((Miss Bells))))

    Good to see you. It has been a long time.

    I feel touched by your joy that your man is alive and will get through his operation and recuperation.

    I feel concerned about any course of action you might take that would affect your own well-being.

    And I would reflect on how being his care giver might affect the relationship. As in, how would he feel and how would you feel? Is he normally in the masculine role in your relationship?
    You would be putting yourself in the masculine role, doing so much for him while he is essentially helpless.
    And yet… it would only be temporary.
    Perhaps there is a way to work this between you so that he keeps his dignity through those eight weeks. Maybe it could come fom an agreement between you that after that time the roles will firmly switch back again.
    And find creative ways to keep yourself in the feminine role whilst caring for him. There must be things he could still do for you, however small, that will give him the sense that he can make you happy.

    What do you think/feel about that?

  89.  #89Mistea1 on February 21, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    April Rose 86,

    Very Good, interesting take on it for you. Perhaps it’s good to have both and like when you’re are using Word on the computer and have the windows stacked and can move them back and forth when needed.

  90.  #90Miss Bells on February 21, 2015 at 6:32 pm

    I like the idea of letting him do (small) things for me.
    And reminding him that this is temporary. Just because I miss some things I wanted to do does not mean he is putting me out.
    There are convoluted abandonment issues here as well. On his part.

  91.  #91Mistea1 on February 21, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Miss Bells 90,
    The best thing to do is to love in this situation. One can always hire out the caretaking duties. Love is the healing force here.

  92.  #92April Rose on February 21, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    Tonight I have been touched and stroked and kissed by a lovely lovely man.

    It has been sooo long.

    And it felt sooo good.

  93.  #93Miss Bells on February 21, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    I have hired a cleaner. And I am hoping to get some of his guy friends involved in driving and lifting heavy objects. I love the cooking part–will learn the Mediterranean style. I have always been attracted to that region anyhow.

  94.  #94Femininewoman on February 21, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Mrs. Bells honestly I don’t think you anything to worry about re the relationship. I have a friend who recently had a heart attack. Though mild, he shared afterwards how the experience had changed him. All the time recovering in the hospital had him thinking a lot. I believe the health crisis will change your guy. He will have enough time to make up his mind about what he wants. He knows his situation best.

  95.  #95Femininewoman on February 21, 2015 at 8:21 pm

    Lovergirl reading your story is triggering. It is the reason why I wonder why women aren’t more careful with their bodies and more choosy about who they give themselves to. At the end of the day it is more than just about sex and pleasure. Our lives can be at risk. Even if he is physically there your life, your health, your other children can suffer as a result while the guy gets to be like a bystander watching a movie. I really wish things can be in the right perspective for more of us. Sex comes with responsibility.

  96.  #96Femininewoman on February 21, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    With all the hormones involved in pregnancy it shouldn’t be a surprise if you are an emotional wreck. A good man would be understanding.

  97.  #97Indigo on February 21, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    Thank you Dominique #80,

    That article is one of my favourites!


  98.  #98Indigo on February 21, 2015 at 10:40 pm

    Lovergirl 81,

    I have to say my thoughts were very much the same as Feminine Woman in 95. Whilst the feminine, nurturer in me wants to comfort you and wrap you up in a big hug, I have to ask myself, where is your boy energy in all of this??

    I know, because I have experienced it myself, that this kind of anger at a man is really anger directed at the self for not taking better care of yourself. I am not excusing his behaviour whatsoever because obviously this situation is very triggering for him and he has to own his own behaviour and stuff, and I’m sure it would have felt much better for him to be there for you and help you. BUT that is his business. YOUR business is caring for you. Make a list of every need that you have, even every want in this situation, and ask yourself how you can fulfill that for yourself right now, and then do it. It is so tempting to want to unleash on a man when he does this, but it doesn’t help and only pushes him further away and in time we come to see that taking care of ourselves is our primary responsibility.

    He has not earned the right of a husband-like figure in your life, of someone who can be counted on to be there for you in all of this.

    Please surround yourself with people who love you and care for you and take good care of you. I send you love and hugs.

  99.  #99Sami Wunder on February 22, 2015 at 2:59 am

    # 66. Rori
    Thank you for the warm welcome 🙂
    And sirens, I would feel so glad to speak to you ladies and support you in every way I can. Very welcome to book my free Skype session.

    # 98 Indigo – I feel impressed by your insightful articulation. You are so right. Feelings of resentment towards our man are almost always an indication of self neglect at some level… Turning to ourselves is the way to go… almost always 🙂

    # 68 Love to dance – I really understand it doesn´t feel good to see him dating online especially when he said he wasn´t …I would feel the same way … And yet- Your ONLY job right now is to lean EVEN further back … Way back … so that you stay with your energy and you can “observe” what he is all about and how far he is willing to move towards you ..
    It can also help if you just look at all of this as PRACTICE for you …. as self-healing for you … the more you practice, the less triggered you will feel over time because men who are not making you feel special will just start to feel boring and eeww… You will start to feel unimpressed by a man who is not crazyyyy about you ..

    You sound very aware to me – you know he can do what he wants, just like you are doing.. Just keep going I´d say – you´re on the right track. Feel your yucky feelings and still keep leaning back and get busy with your own life and activities that make you happy… he will CERTAINLY come around if he means any business. Love, Sami

  100.  #100Waterfall on February 22, 2015 at 3:50 am

    What a good, and hopefully inspiring post for me. I already feel very triggered by it.

    Hmm… I realise my boy energy in me is quite dormant. In fact it almost feels like my girl energy has to kick my boy energy into gear. Does that make sense?

    So reading this is a bit like a reminder to my boy energy to wake up and take over a bit. Hmm.. it’s interesting to wear the two hats I guess…

    @ Indigo I can definitely relate to what you are saying to Lovergirl. Hmm.. this is all so interesting and I realise very triggering for me at the same time. My boy energy just seems to stand by and watch my girl energy be trampled over. He doesn’t protect her or keep her from getting upset. Why is that?!

    I feel my boy energy is lazy and a bit useless. He likes to fake that he is more in control than he is. There are always so many ways he would like to improve and he feels a failure when he doesn’t succeed at every task he would like too… hmmm…. he is not very organised!

    Well, back to the men in my life. The only stand out one is still D. He has not really left, and possibly deep down I don’t want him too – but I do have to come to terms that he is who he is and he is NEVER going to change.

    I see him very occasionally now, which suits me, but I would love to meet someone who was more right for me, someone who could give me the security and love I require. I am just struggling to meet someone.

    I have been so busy working on myself lately that meeting someone does not seem a priority. I am almost obsessed with my job and my social and domestic life.

    Maybe I am too much of a perfectionist?? I don’t know. I do seem to find fault with every man I meet in some way. I tend to like them all as friends but I rarely, if ever, feel those feelings of connection… Maybe deep down I just don’t want it enough… hmmm…

    The type of guy I want would be athletic, fit and healthy but still enjoy going out for coffee and cake! I want someone who is an all-rounder – not just like D who takes sacrifice to another level. I find it very boring to be around him at times, and at times feel like his mother – lol, I am venting.. sorry…

    Well, I must write a reminder and stick it on the fridge or something – my boy energy must look after my girl energy!!

  101.  #101Indigo on February 22, 2015 at 4:48 am


    I have started reading some of your articles on your website, I love them!

  102.  #102Femininewoman on February 22, 2015 at 5:51 am

    Thanks for offering Sami

  103.  #103Sami Wunder on February 22, 2015 at 7:57 am

    # Indigo and Feminine Woman,

    Thank you so much <3 I feel encouraged :))

  104.  #104Lovergirl on February 22, 2015 at 9:32 am

    Thank you Violette. @ Femininewoman #95 & 96-

    Sorry for triggering you. I have been seeing him and sleeping with him for 10 months now and care very much about him, so I don’t feel like it is much to do with how choosy I have been. Most times he seems really nice and good to me, so when he reacts this way it seems shocking. I’ve only seen the ugly side of him a couple of times, but I think we all have one.

  105.  #105Lovergirl on February 22, 2015 at 9:41 am

    @ Indigo 98-

    Thank you. You know after reading this article, I feel like I am very out of touch with my “boy energy”. I know what I would like (hugs and comfort, support) but am discouraged because I find that very hard to give to myself. It’s something I really need to try and figure out how to do.

    I feel very disappointed by his behavior and it is hard not to either unleash my own anger, or make apologies in my mind for him. Yes, he gave me some money, and that may have been an attempt to try and make things better, he may have just been clueless that I needed or wanted him at the hospital, he may have been going through his own stresses, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that it made me feel bad. He hasn’t shown me I can count on him and that makes me very sad.

  106.  #106Lovergirl on February 22, 2015 at 9:46 am

    I don’t think I mentioned in all of this, that I dumped the boring guy when I found out I was pregnant. I told him I wasn’t ready to be as serious as he seems to want (he didn’t want me talking to any other men) and he said “well, it’s not like I was trying to marry you”. Seemed like all the more reason to be done with him, even now that I have lost the pregnancy.

    I also never heard back from the seemingly nice man that took me to the Cheesecake Factory. He had sent me some text and even a poem (that I wondered if he plagiarized from somewhere) about my beauty, but that was the last I heard of him (20 days ago).

  107.  #107Indigo on February 22, 2015 at 9:50 am


    He hasn’t shown you that you can count on him because he doesn’t want you to count on him. You are not in a committed relationship. It is unfair to place these expectations on him because disappointment will always be the result.


  108.  #108Sami Wunder on February 22, 2015 at 9:52 am

    # Lovergirl.

    I just read your story and I am so sorry for your pain. My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself right now. Having others to love us, doesn´t take away our own responsibility towards loving ourselves – at all times, 100% of the time. There is no respite from that.

    I send you a hug. Do you have any close friends or family who could visit you and support you at this hour? Please surround yourself with caring people, caring activities. Let the thoughts about the men take a BACK SEAT for now… Bring yourself to the forefront. Love, Sami

  109.  #109Mandy on February 22, 2015 at 11:33 am

    I am being funny this morning and watching an old favorite cartoon movie, called The Point, narrated by Ringo Starr and music by Harry Nilsson…I love it…

    It’s about a boy named Oblio, born in a village of people with points on their heads, and he’s born with a round head, so he is “banished” to the Pointless Forest.

    When he is there, he meets all kinds of different characters, under the assumption everything is completely pointless to do or think, but the characters assure him there is very much a point to what they do and think.

    For example, he meets a man made out of rocks, and the Rock Man tells him to forget about obsessing about having a point, and to be cool, dig yourself, listen to the birds singing the sweet love song to the trees, the warm sun, and yourself, taking it all in without tension.

    The Rock Man totally reminds me of Rori coaching us. Lol. The Rock Man was coaching Oblio. Oblio asks question after question, is this the pointless forest, and the Rock Man says, “There you go again, getting all tense about this point stuff. Ya gotta be cool, dig yourself.”

    I love the Rock Man and I want to remember what he says. Be cool, dig yourself. Rocks are impervious to heat and that’s cool. They are impervious to water, and that’s cool too. Rain might turn a tree into a log, but a rock in the rain is cool, just cool.

    I love the Rock Man. He’s so awesome I want to put a poster of him up on the wall, lol.

  110.  #110Liquid Light on February 22, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    Mandy, I love that movie too! Thanks for reminding me of it. It reminds me of my childhood. 🙂

  111.  #111Remy on February 22, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    I feel so blessed to have found this blog and Rori, I’ve found the courage to end a very confusing and difficult long term relationship, he can’t move out for money reasons yet, we also have children. We never married and I used to just convince myself it didn’t matter. He engaged me but no plans ever surfaced and he held all the cards because we couldn’t marry without his divorce papers, which he’d never bothered to get a copy of from his solicitor years ago. and it’s like suddenly my ‘boy’ has woken up and said to me ‘ for the love of god! This is wrong’ he hadn’t wanted sex with me for 4 months..no nothing. Yet he says I’m imagining it all and blame him for everything…I feel like I’ve caught him out and he knows it.
    So me and my boy energy are hoping to find some friendship and advice from you lovely people on here, I’m just having trouble getting him to accept it’s over and I’m done. I need him to get him to talk about the finer details about separating and making plans for him to move out but he won’t talk. It’s as if..and I can’t believe I’m saying this about the man I believed was a good man, he will stay put as long as it serves HIM, that even though I know he doesn’t care enough for me he’d just be content to go along with it every day, living a lie..letting me be his girlfriend…I feel like I’m just his comfortable cushion, I’m also a lot younger than he is and I get a lot of male attention which he blames me for and then ignores me as punishment!even so it’s like he can look at me and feel better about HIMSELF not giving a damn if I feel good about MYSELF.
    I know he knows what he’s doing. I feel scammed..I feel scared because he’s not who I thought he was…he’s said some truly ugly unforgivable things to me lately..I’m scared he has tactics and I just need him off the sofa and out of my life..
    anyone had a similar thing I’d love to hear? Thank u for reading my epic post btw!

  112.  #112Miss Bells on February 22, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Well, the man is a bit better today, but still in ICU. We are talking about “after”. It looks like we are going to look for another place to live when he is strong enough, and he is willing to at least check Taos out.
    Some of his guy friends are going to come up from Paso Robles and help me get him settled in. It will be good to have some people that can lift heavy things around for a few days. And I will be able to relax a bit b/c there is someone to spot me.

  113.  #113Mistea1 on February 22, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    Miss Bells,

    This is from my experience of medical care in northern new mexico as a health care worker. It’s very isolated there and the healthcare is not comprehensive enough for someone with a chronic health problem. Even if you send them to Albuquerque to UNM for any flareups it may not be enough. ABQ is several hours from Taos for visiting someone who is hospitalized. The roads are poor, winter can be a problem with the twisty mountain roads.

    It takes a lot of strength to manage a country place and even traveling to town for supplies can be hazardous. In my opinion retirees, and whose with health problems should be closer to top quality health care such as Cleveland Clinic, Mayo Clinic and the like. Taxi and bus service and larger shopping centers that are open longer and community services such as snow plows, and a variety of home health services, Churches, libraries, that aren’t too different than you are used too are helpful.

    At the very least living in someplace like ABQ would be preferable for older people. Just saying.

  114.  #114Mandy on February 22, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Liquid Light –

    I so feel like the Rock Man in The Point story is right on, I love his character! 🙂

    Nostalgic stuff 🙂

  115.  #115IamHis on February 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Something changed with Foreign Guy. I could feel it. He wasn’t paying me as much attention or as affectionate. I wish it hadn’the made me feel all piney and crazy, but it did. Found out from a mutual friend that Foreign Guy slept with his coworker. & he doesn’t want anyone to know. (Shocking.)

    so, I feel embarrassed by how much I liked him. & angry. & relieved, because I know not to waste my energy there.

    I feel sad, too.

    I mean, nothing happened between us, but I did feel good spending time with him.

    I almost feel…above him. I really, really, really wanted my old coworker, & probably could have fooled around with him, but I didn’t. I would like to believe I still would have done it, even if old coworker weren’t married.

    I want a man who is strong enough to resist temptation.

    Who has a strong sex drive, but controls it.

    That’s probably going to trigger some people, but I don’t care.

  116.  #116Miss Bells on February 22, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    Thanks Misteal.
    I am younger and in good health…
    But I have been wondering about the health care in NM for just that reason.
    It may be that I buy land and build something reasonable as a back stop, but stay in Northern California for his heart. The thing is, when you get out to where the real estate is reasonable the quality of the health care gets worse. A conundrum.

  117.  #117Miss Bells on February 22, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    I just had an intuitive flash–
    He thought I was just going to move to Taos without considering him.
    What happened to his heart (the timing) was about getting me not to leave.
    He could have just asked…

  118.  #118lovetodance on February 22, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    99 sami wunder

    thank you sami for your responses to my post and question….i appreciate your wise siren words…..

    keeping oneself open, vulnerable, warm
    keeping centered and loving oneself
    keeping out of imaginary relationships and investing way too soon with someone
    keeping true to one’s needs
    and practicing the art of feeling messages….

    this is challenging…and so worthwhile

    i feel whether i find a true love or not….the work i am doing here is for a healthier stronger relationship to myself….finding true love for myself is the prize really

  119.  #119Mistea1 on February 22, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    Miss Bells 116,
    Yes, he could have just asked couldn’t he, if he was aware.

  120.  #120Labbit on February 22, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Ahhh, Sirens, I am feeling really good tonight. I feel on the verge of something big…of taking a giant step for myself. Like little patches of light poking through a big ol’ cloud, more and more I’m feeling vestiges of confidence coming through. Enjoyable long stretches of sureness. I had a nice period of confidence in October and November that faded and I feel a more permanent form coming on. More like a knowing, a solid rock, a foundation to build upon.

    I feel confident in myself, in my attractiveness, in my Siren-ness. I feel open and loving towards the world and flirting with it feels so fun! Most importantly, I feel comfortable in my feminine energy. Every time I start to shift into masculine energy in my relationship with TenderCD, it feels OFF to me. Feminine energy feels more natural and that is a HUGE change for me. Sometimes I can’t stop the masculine energy yet, I can only notice it and then just kind of freeze but in more and more cases I can see it, not judge myself for it and then it fades away almost instantly.

    I am not obsessing over our relationship anymore, I am sitting back and enjoying it. I am ready to be surprised at every turn and I expect there will be lots of delights. This is so new for me and exciting/scary! There is still this little voice in the back of my head that occasionally says things like “Don’t get too confident now!” but to hell with it. I’m embracing it all. Loving myself.

    This weekend TenderCD’s been sick so we didn’t do anything we planned to and I’ve had to fill my days and eves in. In the past I would have done nothing, stayed home, pined and pouted and wondered and worried and whined and down into the spiral until I convinced myself that everything was falling apart and ending (thereby making everything fall apart and end). Instead I’ve had three great days filled with lots of taking great care of ME and being out and about. I’ve seen friends, gotten some work done, trained for my upcoming race, and had some alone time where I read or vegged out. A few minutes here and there of wondering what TenderCD was up to or searching a bit to feel his energy coming towards me, but so much less than ever before. I haven’t initiated with him once or leaned forward. I didn’t even offer to help him, which felt weird but right. I trusted that he could take care of himself and that if he needed anything he’d reach out. He’s kept in touch all on his own, I hung out at his place yesterday for a bit at his request and even today he’s telling me he misses me and can’t wait to feel better so we can go out…it’s all so unlike anything I’ve had in my previous relationships. In the past I would have been pushing to see him, and he would have pulled back. Not happening now.

    I feel more whole than I have in a long time. I want to bottle this feeling up so I have it on-hand in case of a panicky emergency!!

  121.  #121Labbit on February 22, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    Oh! I forgot maybe the biggest shift for me. There was a moment this morning where I started to re-arrange my day so I could just ‘happen’ to be in Tender’s part of the city and ask him if he wanted me to drop by. But I realized that it was my old behaviors popping up, me looking for reassurance from him that everything was OK in the relationship.

    In the past even if I’ve caught myself plotting this I couldn’t stop myself from still DOING it. Today I was able to laugh at myself, make other plans and then enjoy those plans without guilt or self-punishment. And without needing reassurance or getting a major panic attack later in the day.

    It’s a small step and yet for me it feels HUGE. I feel so happy right now!

  122.  #122Sami Wunder on February 22, 2015 at 11:39 pm

    # 117 Love to Dance

    You´re welcome and you sound wonderful. And yes, once you get the “real” hang on self-love, everything falls into place – including a forever man. So just keep going 🙂 Love, Sami

  123.  #123Sami Wunder on February 22, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    # 120 Labbit

    Wow ! Yayy! Proud. Love, Sami

  124.  #124Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 5:26 am

    Back from another long weekend with CD, feeling tired from my period, lack of sleep and a cold, blustery uphill walk home..

    We learned a lot more about each other especially around relationships and why they ended. It’s so heartwarming to know that his parents are still in love and cute with it. A massive box ticked for me there. I want a man whose parents are still together and happy. There has to be a good relationship between them all.

    So many things have been coming up for me though this weekend… fear of falling in love, fear that I won’t be adequate enough, once he starts to see my flaws, will he grow annoyed with me like the H did? Fear that I’ll hurt him like his past girlfriends..

    I am working better with little fears and managed to not buy any drinks. And when he asked me to get the last cocktails in, and I stood next to the bar, I thought if he insists then this will change everything and I may not see him again!! So I told him ‘I feel super awkward here!’ and he smiled and went to the bar instead… phew! Earlier he said ‘We live in a modern world you know. A lady can buy a drink’ to which I replied ‘Oh I get my mates drinks… and I just feel awkward buying them on a date’… so awkward for me!! I think next time I need to say ‘I don’t feel romantic buying drinks on a date.. what do you think?’

    He told me that since our first kiss (4th date/6 wks in), he has deleted his POF phone app, taken off his profile (although I’m puzzled as it’s still there), not seeing anyone else or even looking. He has told me he needs to be careful what he tells me so I don;t get freaked out, but has thoughts of doing things with me in the future, like explore cities and do fun activities together. He told me I make him very happy, and he aims to please me, and just wants to see me a lot. He’s bought some gig tickets for May and has asked if I want to go… I told him I need to slow down, as feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. He has even told me indirectly that I’m a ‘keeper’ and talks to his friends about me and wants to go on a ‘double date’ to another city in April.. I think it’s not even March yet!!!

    He surprised me with a planned day yesterday as he’s away next weekend, so drove me out of town to my massage appointment, planned some jobs for 2hrs whilst I had my treatments and had booked us a table for gastro pub dinner… and previously I just had thoughts of spending a little more time and he totally surprised me with a whole day! He also took me on a scenic drive so he could show me where he grew up and pointed out his parents’ home. It felt so nice to be surprised and have the man plan and take care of things.

    When we got back to his for the evening, we shared a bottle of wine and watched a film together, and I felt so comfortable and tingly holding hands on the sofa, I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down. It felt confusing as my hormones wanted to get physical and I’m glad we didn’t after I told him I don’t want it to be about s-e-x.

    And as my period came late in the evening, he quickly leapt up and put his hat and coat on so that he could dash to the shop to pick up some lady products for me… I felt so embarrassed that I wasn’t prepared although i hadn’t expected to stay a second night. He didn’t even flinch to feel embarrassment at picking up lady products, and I told him how appreciative I was, and he said it’s nothing and could do a lot more for me… I coo-ed and said the little things are really special too.

    I have found it to be quite confusing though, I didn’t want to spend too much time with him, as don’t want to overload myself… but I also feel ok and he is being understanding. During dinner, I could hardly concentrate as I could see my H sitting in front of me instead of him, and I missed him… it felt so odd and distracting and I didn’t like the intrusion. I had to tell myself it’s just a fantasy.

    So many fears are coming up around the possibility of being in a new relationship, as he’s presenting so many qualities and consistent good energy, I seem to be getting more scared and it’s so hard to not think of the future.. when he was showing me his travel photos, there were pictures of him looking so happy with children and it filled me up, I even asked if he wants kids and he chuckled at me, and smiled… a moment of shyness for us.

    I even look at his face and wonder is this a face that I could look at for a long time??? Is he someone I could love and give myself to? I desperately want to make very conscious decisions… and my brain feels like a chatterbox.

    Aaahh… I’m glad I wont see him for a week although he tells he’s going to miss me already. eeekkkk…… Need to process and settle… get into my heart… be still…. let more feelings rise…

    Would be great to hear from other sirens about this…

  125.  #125Victoria on February 23, 2015 at 6:47 am

    I enjoyed reading about your weekend.
    I think you handled really well the drinks situation. I need to tell you though, as a siren to siren 🙂 that the keepers in my life always gladly volunteered to pay for everything on dates, and I did not need to negotiate out of paying. It might be a generation and/or a cultural thing, but from my dating experience a man who would like to date me would not let me pay even if I tried to.
    By the way, I never fell in love with anyone who let me pay (and I would try to pay always at the beginning). This has been such a turn-off for me subconsciously…
    Otherwise, I wonder why would he say he has taken down his profile if it is not the case. That to me is a second red flag.
    The third thing, and I am not sure whether it is a read flag or what, but I wonder, in what capacity does he expect you to be visiting cities together etc… because you could be doing this as a friend, or a FWB, and you just need to be clear about what his intention is, and be fine with it, BEFORE you have s*x. I know you are not too sure about what you want either (is any of us, ever?) but I think it is much less complicated to figure our where each of you stands, before the big deal.

  126.  #126Violette on February 23, 2015 at 6:49 am

    This morning I woke up fuming, I realize it’s because I feel furious with A. I want to break up with him so badly. Maybe feeling embarrassed about him in front of my friend last night. We tried to watch the Oscars at her house, she forgot she has cancelled her cable, we found out we could watch with a password from someone else’s internet account, so I called A and asked for his. He was resistent, made a comment like, don’t buy anything when you’re in there…my friend heard it and tried to call the whole thing off. It triggered her and me. He insisted on hanging up to do it, and took 30 minutes on it…I almost regret bothering to ask him.

    And the main reason I feel furious is because he showers me with doting affections, but when it comes to my friends, or even me with my friends, he’s cheap, he’s rude…it’s on and off but it’s not cool. He wants me all to himself. And although I don’t have to take that on for myself, and he is allowed to think and want whatever he wants, I don’t want to deal with this dynamic anymore! He does things like this, he gets angry if I have to work and can’t see him, like he wants me to not work! He hypothetically made up a story th other night about, if he took me on a trip this summer, and I scored a job in my chosen field (I’ve been struggling for work for like 4 years), would I then fly back for the job. I didn’t appreciate that conversation. I have every right to put my career as a major priority, especially right now when I don’t have a lot of options and power to do what I want in it.

    Also I mentioned to him that my life dream is to split my life between 2 countries eventually, and that I was planning a trip for a week. He got angry and said he wasn’t ok with that, even though I brought it up on the second date and he said he was all over it then, and that I would never find someone who would do that with me.

    I feel FED UP! I feel so tired of trying to focus on the good. He’s a bully and he wants to control me and I feel so tired. I want a relationship where I can be myself. Where I can talk about things that interest me with someone who is also interetested in them, and who finds me interesting, not threatening.

    I want to break up with him so badly. I feel off the wall this morning, I’ve snapped.

  127.  #127Sami Wunder on February 23, 2015 at 6:56 am

    #123 Lotus, you sound so awesome.
    And really well done with the scripting about buying drinks and accepting his kind gestures at home!! It´s not easy saying a right thing like that at just the right moment. So yay you!

    And I can sense some intimacy fears here. Would you agree? I´d recommend taking very tiny steps in the direction of tolerating the anxiety of having someone who LIKES you, get closer to you and that comes by feeling your feelings.

    So yes, you already said it, feel your feelings, feel the yuck that is coming up – feel the anxiety, feel the I-wana-throw-up 🙂 And overtime it will begin to feel less and less scary. If you want it, you are welcome to try my free introductory session too.

    Great going and keep going!
    Love, Sami

  128.  #128Azure Blu on February 23, 2015 at 7:27 am

    I have had a VERY bad cold for 4 days… Sooo weak…
    It’s awful… I am able to sit up and work this morning…
    That feels like progress!! :-{

    I wanted to add my knowledge on the POF comments.
    Whether a man (or you) are on or off the site…
    There are 2 ways to be off the site…
    1) Hide YOUR profile
    2) delete your profile

    When you Hide your profile anyone who has contacted you in the past will be able to see your profile when they put in your online name…
    When your profile is hidden, you will not appear in any bar of images or search results.

    If you have hidden your profile, the following users will still be able to see your profile:

    Users you contact after you hide your profile
    Users who have messages in your inbox
    Users on your favorites list
    Users who have you on their favorites list
    Users who search your username in Username Search

    Sooo most times we all hide our profiles when we decide to become exclusive.. (some people have paid for a year and so don’t want to delete completely)

    Hope this helps!

  129.  #129Victoria on February 23, 2015 at 7:44 am

    So good to hear from you!
    Your explanation solves the Profile mistery, except for, would you say you have deleted your profile if you have just hidden it? Either way, men will show their true colors if only we give them a chance 🙂
    Sorry to hear your cold, I had a bad one myself some time ago, and I have not been feeling well physically for two months now…
    And, much to my terror, I realized I have gained weight. It’s mostly because with the cold weather I walk very little, and even though I go to the gym, with the sickness and all, I have been much less active than usual.
    F told me I have gainded weighht, to add insult to injury. He said it very elegantly, he was talking about how stunning I looked the first time we met, and he mentioned nonchalantly that I was a bit thinner than… I was probably at least 10 pounds thinnner… Despair.
    I am thinking of what restrictions to make, and in the middle of it, I get this email from Healthy Living giving you 5 reasons why not to go on a diet. You know what they recommend as an alternative? Learn to accept your body image. Phew.

  130.  #130Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 7:50 am

    Victoria – it feels good to have your response, thanks fellow siren 😉

    I want to agree with the drinks thing, that if a guy is really into me he wouldn’t let me pay or ask me to get drinks. As my friend says, a lady never pays. I do feel a bit turned off because of how awkward I feel. So I’ve been thinking of buying him a high-end gourmet food magazine just because I feel inspired to buy it for him as a small gift, as he loves cooking and cocktails. And as I don’t have my own place, I can’t cook for him although I don’t feel inspired to yet .. so far he’s cooked a meal and paid for a few dinners and drinks out. I left a post-it note with a smily wink on his oven tho as an expression of my happiness for his company this weekend.

    The thing about s-e-x though, I already had quite an intense time with him last weekend, and it occurred to me that we hadn’t talked about sexual exclusivity, so this time I told him I couldn’t have s-e-x with someone who is sleeping with anyone else, which is when he told me he wanted to reassure me, that he had deleted his pof app on his phone after our first kiss, as thought there was no point in having it anymore and isn’t interested in looking. I’ve just checked on pof, and found that I can still search for my own profile which I’ve hidden, and he mentioned that’s what he’s done, hidden it… I didn’t really want to question him about it… maybe the conversation may come up again.

    And when I told him I want to slow down with s-e-x, as felt overwhelmed last weekend, he said he’s in this for the long haul and is happy to go at my pace, and has no expectations. He just wants to spend time with me, and we agreed there are other things to do without having full-out s-e-x. In the bar I remember one of RR’s questions and asked ‘What do you think of dating?’ and he made it very clear that he’d like dating to turn into a relationship, but doesn’t want to scare me off and also didn’t directly say a relationship with me.

    I do find what I want to be confusing, I don’t want to have ties, as wanting to remove the threads of the H, I want to be single for longer, go travelling, yet if a good man who I like is front of me, I wouldn’t want to bypass the chance of exploring things with him. It just seems he’s happy to go with whatever I want at the moment.

  131.  #131Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Lol.. I just searched on pof for men with the same location and stats as him and his profile is hidden. He is only searchable via his username. Just wanted to squash any fluttering suspicions there and believe him.

    Although I do find it strange how a man who is looking for a relationship doesn’t directly talk about it on their profile. He has admitted to being defensive, guarded… wary of giving his heart away as it was broken.

    I remind myself he is practice and have faith that as I expand myself and try to keep my heart open on this journey, I will get closer to the right man for me, who will have his heart fully open, ready to invest, and gladly buy drinks for the lady!

    I still wonder why a serious relationship man would even date a separated woman without getting the facts first..

  132.  #132Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 8:12 am

    Azure – thanks for sharing your PoF knowledge.

    Hmmm.. I’m finding myself analysing a bit about him and his past relationships… remembering what he said, that every so often he goes back on PoF when dating/relationships don’t work out.. and that Match.com isn’t worth the fee.

    He feels he’s been slightly mistreated by women as opposed to the other way… oh dear.. which is probably why I’m feeling triggered and he’s not 100% invested through paying for dates.. that I have to keep being authentic with him and not give him any false hopes so he doesn’t feel ‘mistreated’. Yikes.

  133.  #133Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 8:21 am

    Sami Wunder – what a name! 🙂
    Thank you for your feedback, it’s good to know that you agree I’m doing better, I was really struggling with the drinks payment issue.
    Yes – I agree, I do have intimacy fears for different reasons – coming out of a 16 year relationship with the man I gave my virginity to is pretty scary. Just not wanting to open up and ‘give myself’ away completely now – so sex/body without heart feels kind of ok, or heart without sex feels scarier… writing this makes me feel strange.. like I’m disconnecting on purpose.

    I get the sense he’s being quite tentative with his heart and opens up more when I do. I am loving the practice though. Little steps.. yes I need to keep reminding myself.

  134.  #134Victoria on February 23, 2015 at 8:42 am

    I don’t know with 100% certaing how men/this man look at relationships, but I think in principle, single people do not like dating people who are not single (married, separated, not fully divorced etc.
    So, I suspect he is very much attracted to you, but still has not made up his mind exactly what he wants to have with you (which I believe is quite fair for the moment).
    I has a chuckle when you said he feels he has been mistreated by women.
    I have discovered that men have complaints similar to the ones we have about men.
    F has complained a few times that he has been misteated… His favorite story is of a date in which the woman threw out the bouqet he brought her in a garbage bin. Somehow, this does not elicit any sympathy in me. I wish he would keep this information for himself. I just had a light bulb flash in my head that I should not be complaining to him about how men have disappointed me in the past. Oh well…

  135.  #135Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 8:46 am

    I’m seeing the mirrors … guys who have been hurt, a bit needy, guys who stop themselves, guys who are in fantasy land and then drop you like a hot potato, guys who are opening up, guys who are more ready..

    I just need to keep looking at myself in the mirror and practice loving myself, as I am rising in the lift to the rooftop penthouse.. haven’t dared hit that button yet, just enjoying the ride going up at the moment, it may take me a while, it’s a tall building, but the sunrise views on the rooftop will be worth it and I need to have faith that my man will be ready and waiting for me, with his heart and helicopter ready to take me anywhere I choose. 🙂

    I wish this for all the sirens too 🙂

  136.  #136Tatia Dee on February 23, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Fabulous Post Rori!

    Me and my boy loved reading it lol!

    My boy is very busy and happy!

    Love To You All And Enjoy A Beautiful Monday!


    Tatia Dee

  137.  #137Tatia Dee on February 23, 2015 at 9:15 am

    #18 Sami Wunder

    Hi Sami! I am totally in love with your beautiful web site! Congratulations on joining RRRCT 2015! I’m going to sign up for your newsletters! You Go Girl!! 😀


    Tatia Dee

  138.  #138lovetodance on February 23, 2015 at 9:46 am

    lotus i love this…..

    ‘I’m seeing the mirrors … guys who have been hurt, a bit needy, guys who stop themselves, guys who are in fantasy land and then drop you like a hot potato, guys who are opening up, guys who are more ready..

    I just need to keep looking at myself in the mirror and practice loving myself, as I am rising in the lift to the rooftop penthouse.. haven’t dared hit that button yet, just enjoying the ride going up at the moment, it may take me a while, it’s a tall building, but the sunrise views on the rooftop will be worth it and I need to have faith that my man will be ready and waiting for me, with his heart and helicopter ready to take me anywhere I choose.

    I wish this for all the sirens too ‘

    lovely feelings and images…

    i am finding this so true….more and more….

    my ambivalence, my fear, my excitement, my joy, my insecurity, my solidness….and more

    showing up in the men who present themselves….

    i also find it interesting that when i was younger the men just came on like steam trains….i was it , i was what they wanted and i was sooooo turned off by that…

    i am glad that is not happening now….because it gives me more space to not just be in reactive pull back….and dis-belief

    of course i wouldn’t mind several cds showing up with alot of balanced enthusiasm….but i also feel i might be overwhelmed with that….i am so afraid of hurting their feelings..

    [.i feel bad when a man sends me a message and i am clearly not interested….i torture myself alittle bout what to do….respond with a gracious thank you,but no….or not respond at all…i have been on the recieving end of both and actually like the no response better…the other just makes me feel little]

    anyways….i see my fear and resistance of hurting or rejecting their approach…is so much my fear of rejection…if i can heal this…take this more in stride whether coming from me or towards me i will feel like i would have healed immensely ….

  139.  #139Labbit on February 23, 2015 at 10:56 am

    Lovetodance & Lotus — For me, usually when I noticed men showing up in my life who are either lower than my expectations, or men already in my life start to change ‘for the worse’, that’s when I have to look inside myself.

    Usually, I’m beating myself up very hard when this happens.

    And I’m so good at beating myself up I can trick myself into thinking it’s something that TenderCD (or in the past another CD) has done, or it’s something at work, or I’m feeling sad or angry and don’t really know why…but if I just slow myself down and listen to my thoughts, I can clearly hear how hard I’m being on myself.

    Breaking down everything I said and didn’t say. Chastising myself for missing an opportunity or blowing it. Wondering what’s wrong with me. And so on.

    If I can let myself hush all those voices — give them a cookie and ask them to go into a corner of my mind as Dominique sometimes says 🙂 and shower myself with ooey gooey sticky yummy love, everything around me gets better very quickly. Men get better or better men show up. Tensions fade. The sun is shining and I feel radiant again.

    Be really, really kind to yourself. We are all learning. There is no perfect to get to — I aim for being happy, content, and moving towards things and people that make me feel that way.

    The first clue for me is always my shoulders. If my shoulders are hunched up I know I have to look inside to see where I’m beating myself up. I’d urge you ladies to take a look at the same. 🙂

  140.  #140Gemini Goddess on February 23, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Checking in (with myself)

    The other night, reading posts I was struck by how sirens were reporting on emotional turbulence from a serene vantage point. The image that came to mind was a beautiful, tranquil, solid light house looking out at the sometimes turbulent, sometimes peaceful sea. It was perfect. I’m at a point in this relationship that is totally new to me, exciting, scary territory, and a little distance while still being engaged is welcome. I’m in my cozy, peaceful lighthouse… watching.

    I have identified so many triggers, and so many reasons for the triggers. Now I see more and more, they are visible all over, which feels like great excavation and enlightenment, and often totally overwhelming. At first I wanted desperately to figure them out and make them go away…right now, right now, right now! They didn’t. I realize that just isn’t going to happen. I am going to have to accept them (and myself) and there is work to be done past seeing them. (Drat! Couldn’t it just be THAT easy?) The very best shift is accepting that, and not feeling so hysterical that they’re (still) there, and I’m not MAD at myself (for the most part). Observing this heart-of-gold girl, and all her shots at bettering herself from the lighthouse. Yay!

    Actually, the most consoling thought for me is around leaning back. Firstly, I realized I was leaning back to get something (not leaning back). I seemed to think I needed to “lean away” in equal distance and in direct proportion to how much I wanted him to lean in. (controlling) I was inadvertently acting either cold, and/or like I’d had a frontal lobotomy. Leaning back is getting all into my juicy self, and having an enthusiastic, grand ol’ time with WHATEVER, and he can join the party or not, but the party goes on. My own pleasure is my absolute duty to myself.

    I also thought all this boot-camp like focus on “relationship” issues: the leaning back, the triggers, why the triggers…the works, was IN ITSELF a kind of leaning forward, thus dooming the whole operation. Not so. This all about ME. MY growth. MY party. And it affects ALL parts of MY life. The dude is a handy (and super fun) vehicle. It’s ALL leaning back, because it’s ALL ultimately about me. Total game changer. Yay!

    In a mirror and triggers way, it’s clear to me that I’m overly future thinking, and at the same time terrified by the potential and panicking about feeling trapped. I’m pretty sure he’s going through the same thing. He subtly and not subtly says all the future-y things (I do not, but respond affirmatively when asked point blank), makes plans involving my kids (which I have made VERY clear I do not take lightly), has booked a very expensive and non-refundable, two week vacation for the two of us at the end of May, but also fixes/makes suggestions for long-term comfort items in my house (since I’ll “be there for a while”, which I suppose could be interpreted a couple of ways), and mentions how convenient it is we live so close (3 minutes by car, 5 with heavy traffic, ha!)…which triggers me…which makes me panic…and then the NVs…spin cycle!

    It’s all just the current choppy waves I’m observing from my light house. Being surprised.

  141.  #141Dominique on February 23, 2015 at 11:11 am

    Gemini Goddess – You blow me away. I’m just loving this amazing awareness you’ve gained, and watching how you maneuver within yourself and your revelations all the while playing with loving and embracing all the parts of you, even the ones which may not feel so great, is awe inspiring.

    Love to you.


  142.  #142Gemini Goddess on February 23, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Oh, Dominique. Thank you so much. That means the world to me coming from you. I am so looking forward to a phone consultation with you. I feel like such a moving target at the moment.


  143.  #143Linda on February 23, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    I was out to lunch yesterday at a favorite eatery and I happened to pick up my phone and found a text message from a Dr who asked me to send me my resume as he had a immediate position to fill in his office. I was elated! I thought maybe something was turning and the terrible situation I find myself in could just be walked away from. I so want another job and to be away from there.

    Then today…I was totally thrown another curve ball and Honestly…I feel like I am in the midst of a crash and burn that is unfolding in slow motion. If it is not one thing its another at work. I am so preoccupied and off balance there. I cant get my feet under me. Today I got an email from my boss asking me to explain myself about something that I had no knowledge of. It threw and I felt scared and rattled all day. A physicians assistant (PA) named me as a person who spoke to rudely and she complained about me. According to her it happened last week. I am baffled as to what is going on!!! I did not speak to that person and have had but one interaction with them in the last 6 months and that was weeks ago. I cannot make any sense of what is going on right now and it has me absolutely frightened I will loose my job over things that are slanted and not even true. I felt a mild state of panic about it all day and still do.

    My girl just wants to be held and my boy energy is offended and feels quite hateful and defensive. He wants to punch somebody . I feel so worn out. All I can do it is curl up and sleep for a while. sigh

  144.  #144Mandy on February 23, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Labbit and Indigo…

    OH thank you SO much for finding that link for me, that was EXACTLY what I needed…I feel so relieved……..Thank you, thank you, thank you!


  145.  #145Mandy on February 23, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    PS – I can DO this! <3

  146.  #146Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    Labbit 139
    Thanks for reminding me that we don’t have to reach a perfect 10. But the thing is – I do want the best for myself, and the voice that comes from my higher self says I need to carry on being my own partner and lover, and keep developing into the best person I can be to attract the best partner for me. And yes to keep holding myself with tlc.

    I was just snapshotting on the kind of guys who I’ve connected with the most, how their readiness and qualities have improved, since I started dating last Summer and done more healing.. and now I believe I’m dating the best guy out of the bunch so far.. it feels so easy with him and I do like him.. He ticks a lot of boxes.
    He is so affectionate, and does sweet things like hold my feet tenderly and kiss them like a lover does. I feel comfortable, soothed and special with him. If only he hadn’t tried to negotiate on drinks…! I do think it’s a cultural/ generational thing. It’s the same with all of my friends who are in couples.

    I just saw him now and he invited me over for some pudding and to stay over again for a snuggle, and I declined as feeling tired with my period, and I asked in a roundabout way if he was looking for a friends-with-benefits thing, and he looked at me a bit stunned, and said he wasn’t looking for that. So I’m glad we cleared that, although it brings it back to me. How much do I like him, what do I want.. can we enjoy this without it being a proper relationship with expectations, but just as moments and interactions? Can I be by myself, if I was younger i wouldn’t feel so bothered about meeting someone as I

  147.  #147Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    … I want to have children… so many thoughts swirling… time to sleep..

  148.  #148Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    Love to Dance 138
    I know what you mean about worrying that we’ll hurt their feelings, although I only really feel this when I care about someone or have connected enough with them. I find it helps to remind myself I’m the prize especially when I don’t feel it, I get to choose, I can take my time, what do I want? Shine the attention back to you 🙂

  149.  #149Mandy on February 23, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    Wow…I wanted to share a wonderful feeling…

    I did this photo shoot with a photographer from out of state last December that I was super excited about because he wanted to do a Helmut Newton inspired shoot, and Helmut Newton is one of my favorite photographers…this photographer obviously knows what art is, so I obliged, and I just got the photos back, and my goodness…I have no words for how I feel about it…

    It’s like the pictures are so beautiful I almost can’t believe what I see, and it fills me with this warm glowing white light feeling, like serene and just knowing all is well.

    I suppose I worry a lot about how awkward I am, worry about protecting myself from harm from men, etc. These photos prove to me that I have supreme elegance in the right time, mood, setting. It feels so good I can’t describe it.

    Best part is, it has nothing to do with what a man told me, it is what the camera is telling me. It is what I’m telling myself. There’s actually a voice in my head telling me I’m beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, a rarity, someone to behold, to cherish, to love, to be curious about, to want to know more about. I look at the woman in the pictures and wonder what she’s about, she seems to really have a deep idea of who she is, and she may be wandering, but she is not lost.

    I am not all errors. I am not just a mess. There’s a lot that is right with me. I just suffer from this complex that I am inherently flawed, maybe I even identify with it. But these photos reminded me that I am actually a beautiful creation, just like another person, or a majestic animal, or a snowflake. I was made a certain way, and that is gorgeous.

    Lovely feeling…

  150.  #150Dominique on February 23, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    Lotus – 146 – I’ve been wanting to say something these past few days, yet you seem to have such clarity on yourself and your situation despite the sometimes confusion. You absolutely do not have to be all healed (whatever this is) to find your perfect for you forever man whether he’s right there in front of you or has yet to show up. I was an a mess, and still he showed up.

    And just as you’ve experienced, the more you heal, the better or rather the more like hearted, on the path towards being their best self possible people, men and women, will show up.

    This may help.


    And remember too, you don’t have to make any decisions now or even any time soon. Try to enjoy as much as possible, and try to trust that you will make the right choices for you exactly when you need to, at just the right time.

  151.  #151lovetodance on February 23, 2015 at 3:43 pm


    thank you for your input.

    i feel that i have been so much clearer with my dance with men…the two cds who showed up from the online source …

    in the past one of them would have captured and entangled my imagination for a looonnnggg time with just giving crumbs….i have not called him back and it feels so good to have seen this in quick time…

    the other one may have poofed….i did feel great ambivalence about him altho seeing and feeling his great beauty….i feel he felt ambivalent towards me for whatever reasons….maybe including feeling mine…i feel a bit sad but certainly not beating myself up over something that would have been a great stretch for me….

    i am loving myself….returning to myself alot….when i start into the rejection,sad default zone….my girl and boy pull me out quickly….it may not always be this easy …but for these moments i am enjoying a relief from this life long pattern….

  152.  #152lovetodance on February 23, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    140 gemini goddess…

    oh how i love your insights

    and your

    humor is soooooooo healing and incredible….

    ‘Actually, the most consoling thought for me is around leaning back. Firstly, I realized I was leaning back to get something (not leaning back). I seemed to think I needed to “lean away” in equal distance and in direct proportion to how much I wanted him to lean in. (controlling) I was inadvertently acting either cold, and/or like I’d had a frontal lobotomy. Leaning back is getting all into my juicy self, and having an enthusiastic, grand ol’ time with WHATEVER, and he can join the party or not, but the party goes on. My own pleasure is my absolute duty to myself.’

    i will be re-reading your insights alot….

    and the light house image is very wonderful

    write on right on dear gemini goddess!

  153.  #153Beloved on February 23, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    Ohhh, I feel so shakey and trembly right now.
    I had a date scheduled tonight with a new CD, we had a yummy date last week and he booked me for date 2 then.
    Today, he tells me he feels at a loss where to go.
    I’m feeling amused, tell him to let me know in time for me to make driving plans.
    At this point, I’m still feeling like, it’s going to be okay, it doesn’t really matter where we go, we have plans to meet at 7 and I schedule accordingly.
    Just now, 1.5 hours before we are supposed to meet, he tells me he has to meet a friend at 7 and we can meet at 8, is that cool?
    NO, I say (not in all caps, ha), no, it’s not cool, we had plans for 7.

    So, he apologizes, gives an explanation that doesn’t really make sense, and asks if I would like to reschedule.
    I say, “Are you kidding?”
    So he then starts in about how we never really firmed up plans, which is NOT true because he was sitting with me looking at my calendar on my phone with me when I put him in for Monday at 7 on my phone.
    I tell him I feel angry and disappointed and I don’t want to discuss it over text anymore.

    So, crickets. And I feel like crying. I felt pretty good with him. It felt fun and flirty and sweet.
    And I feel grateful, that I stood by my boundaries and didn’t drink for our first date and I feel clear on how we made plans.

    I feel sad.
    I feel achey in my heart.
    I feel tears in my eyes.
    I could maybe put things in a more sireny way and I honestly don’t want to discuss it via text.
    Even if he called, I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to cave and meet later, that wouldn’t feel respectful of myself and my time.
    What feels bad to me, is that we DID set the time together, and now I’m being made wrong for having expectations based on the time we agreed on together that he doesn’t remember.
    What feels bad, is that I didn’t know until 1.5 hours before we were supposed to meet, what restaurant we were even going to.

    There’s others stuff that I don’t even feel I can articulate right now.

  154.  #154lovetodance on February 23, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    148 lotus

    yes shining the attention back on me…..

    somehow in my make-up the not hurting of someone’s feelings runs deep….

    and i don’t even have to be invested in them….

    something for me to understand….i am not saying its a bad thing….but it may inappropriately be draining to me…

    i am wondering at the moment about how feeling sorry for someone is not the same as knowing someone is capable of withstanding life’s ups and downs….the latter is so much more respectful…..

  155.  #155April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    Labbit, Lotus, and Gemini Goddess,

    Your postings are blowing me away!
    I can feel so much healing taking place in me, just from reading your words. I am drinking them in, deep within my feminine core.
    Like nectar to the Gods!

  156.  #156Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    Dominique – thank you so much for your timely response. The article is enlightening and shines such a bright light on this healing I think about.

    This paragraph in your blog post really hit a cord with me and describes my awareness around the men who have made an impact on me ‘If you are here reading this, you have grown to the degree that you feel the difference, for you have regained some love for yourself. You will know when someone means well yet displays this awkwardly, clumsily sometimes, and someone who has a way to go to even gain a smidgen of awareness that there is some healing to be done. You will increasingly separate yourself from the latter and welcome the former.’

    Perhaps I’m putting too much pressure on myself, thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to make any big decisions right now.. yet I feel I need to… It feels so scary that I’ve been in a relationship all my adult life, and now it feels real that I’m leaving that familiarity as the bad feelings outweigh the good. I feel a little unsteady. I want to grasp onto something solid. The biggest solid thing at the moment is myself on this path, my sanctuary at home.. and the arrow pointing ahead.

    I am really enjoying dating new guy at the moment, it feels quite wonderful really. I am showered with delightful kisses and tender affection, I feel like a cat… prrrrrr

  157.  #157April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 3:56 pm


    I am reading your postings and your story could be mine, almost word for word!

    I have been pondering my situation for the last few days, and I realised that after 3 dates, if I don’t speak up I could be headed for an ‘instant relationship’,

  158.  #158April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    I had three dates in four days, with the same guy.

    I felt yummy in his company (I feel yummy in myself lately, so it was easy to continue whilst with a man).

    At some point after the third date, something came to mind that I haven’t seen anyone write about for a while…. and I thought….beware ‘The Instant Relationship’!!!

    I think the Instant Relationship is very common in the UK.
    It kind of happens. Instead of there being much dating, it is more like a silent “I like you and you like me and suddenly we’re exclusive (or more likely serially monogamous)”.

    Has this happened to you?

    I’m going to have to be creative with circular dating.

    And, I feel a need to speak up. Something along the lines of
    “I don’t want to fall into the trap of an instant relationship without getting to know you first. I’m enjoying the single life and don’t want to rush into anything that feels confining. I think it takes at least six months to get a sense of how a person is. And in that time I think we both need to keep dating others, so that we’ll be sure we have found the right person to share our happy ever after with. What do you think?”

    Any tweaks or help with this script would be most appreciated, ladies.

  159.  #159April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 4:09 pm


  160.  #160Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    Lovetodance 154

    We all have our little obstacles (and big!) and mine would be the people pleaser thing. I find that sometimes I’ll want to do something because the guy wants more of me, like I stayed an extra night when really my voice was telling me to go home as I was tired, I’m just glad I enjoyed myself, and know I trust my intuition enough that it wont end up a disaster.

    I do feel myself shy away from quick direct honesty… in case I’ll change my mind about my feelings for the guy or seem like a bitch. I guess I don’t want to put them off, I want the attention and time to make my mind up just in case. I’ve learned to find the nicest way to let a guy down, keeping my responses sweet and light, thanks to Labbit 🙂

    Valarie, one of the coaches, taught me that men can look after their own feelings, it’s not our job to, and when I started to look out for my own first, time and again I would witness guys take care of themselves first, even the damaged/needy types at whatever stage of their healing. I’m not surprised you feel drained, that energy is for you dear!

  161.  #161April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    I honestly don’t know why there is so much emphasis placed on having the man decide where to go on the date.

    Rori has said that you can request that he makes the plan, and then go with the experience.

    Or, you can say what would feel good.

    My own thoughts are that men really want to please us, and we can make it so much easier by saying something like “There’s this candle-lit restaurant I’ve always wanted to experience, and it would feel wonderful/romantic to go there with you”.

    I find it is cherishing of the feminine to be asked to choose the experience I would enjoy.

  162.  #162April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 4:19 pm


    I’m feeling ‘Wow’, I’m loving how gorgeous you are feeling about yourself. And the photos!! … What a beautiful treasure you have, to look at any time you want.
    You certainly are not all flawed. Whoever told you that?

  163.  #163Beloved on February 23, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    April Rose – Thank you for the hugs.
    Him not knowing where we were going wasn’t such a big deal, it was that he had since last Thursday to choose a place, and hadn’t chosen anything until the last minute.
    Which, even that by itself, wasn’t a big deal.
    Being told we hadn’t actually finalized a time, and feeling bumped because he hadn’t planned well and had forgotten our plans, THAT, is a big deal.

  164.  #164April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 4:34 pm


    I understand.

    It is so important to me that someone keeps their word.
    I’m not sure if it is a trigger with me, of something deeper, making me upset beyond what the situation calls for.

    There is almost always a misunderstanding or miscommunication behind this type of situation.

    How would it feel to say “I’m sorry. I think I must have misunderstood the plan”?

  165.  #165Lotus on February 23, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    April Rose – how uncanny! Great, we can ponder together! Fab to hear you’re in the UK! My friends think I’m unconventional, doing the ‘American’ dating thing, some joke I’m ‘playing the field’. I don’t like to talk about it so much now, and you’re right – I’ve been thinking how I could circular date without anymore actual dating… that once/if the two remaining CD’s drop off I’m not going to date for ‘relationship exploration’.

    3 dates in 4 days sounds pretty intense and lots of access for the guy early on.. In my situation, I haven’t allowed a guy to book me in more than twice in a week or more than a few weeks in advance, I think if a guy is allowed to access a girl’s time like that, his expectations will start to go up, no? The more time spent together, then the more relationship-y it gets?

    So far exclusivity hasn’t been brought up with new guy I’m dating, and I like to let the guy bring it up… the speech sounds a bit ‘driving forward’, setting an agenda for both of you, and I’m looking for some feeling messages…. maybe ‘I feel more comfortable when I..’..?

    Can’t imagine the guy reacting well to dating a girl for 6mths whilst she openly admits to dating others.. guess it’s a way of weeding out some undesirables.

    I think we can freely interact with others without the expectation of a relationship.

  166.  #166Beloved on February 23, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    April Rose – it would feel like betraying myself. It would feel like, allowing myself to be low value. It would feel terrible and as if I were not looking out for myself. It would feel like selling myself out.

    I do believe there has been a misunderstanding, and I believe it is likely because he was drinking at the time we made plans. This is a red flag for me.
    He didn’t call all weekend or at anytime today to confirm, and, he hasn’t called me to talk about it.

    I don’t want to process or focus on it any longer, I want to get on my horse and do some homework 🙂

  167.  #167Beloved on February 23, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    If I had to do it over again, I would have used different FM’s.
    I would have used “I feel/I want/I don’t want/how can we fix this?”
    And I didn’t. I got triggered hard and fast.
    I do, I do want to do that now, I want to
    tell him how awful this feels and this isn’t what I want.
    And it wouldn’t feel good to do that over text, it would feel leaning forward.
    Sh!t I don’t know what to do. I hate that this has affected me so deeply.

  168.  #168April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Hmmm, Lotus,

    You’ve got me pondering.
    I hadn’t thought about it in terms of ‘access’.

    Having access to my time and energy.

    I guess I allowed too much of that. We met in the afternoon on the first date, and I didn’t keep it short. It went on for almost five hours.


    Yet… I felt like staying in his company. He offered to buy us food. We went for a walk.
    When we were making a move to leave, he asked me for a date for two days later. I was free, so I said yes.
    He even phoned me the following day to check plans for the date.

    Hmm… I am pondering now. ‘What feels good’ versus ‘too much access’. Hmmmm….

    I am busy five nights a week, so he could only see me on two nights anyway.
    The third date was a quick drive out to a cafe (after having asked me to go to his to ‘hang out’, which I refused).

    I really don’t want to get stuck on one person. Invested, I mean.

    I want to stay light and uninvested, yet still encourage his keenness.

    And still meet and experience other men.

    What do I say and when?

    Could I ask the question “What does dating mean to you?”

  169.  #169April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 5:28 pm


    Could you have that conversation with your inner boy?

    And let him soothe you?

  170.  #170April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    I do need and want a lover.

    How do you choose one?

  171.  #171April Rose on February 23, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    I will have to ask Arthur what he thinks is best for me.

  172.  #172Dominique on February 23, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    Lotus – 156 – I feel so happy this resonated.

    Someone I care about once told me that when you make the choice to step out into the empty air beyond the edge which is your life where you were hesitating, trust that something will appear to catch your footfall.

    In terror, I once left a 13 1/2 year relationship only to have K show up two weeks late. So….


  173.  #173Dominique on February 23, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    April Rose – 158 – If you’re feeling good with this man, and he with you, I don’t know that this is a negative. If you feel compelled to say something, what about this.

    “It would feel so good getting to know you naturally and organically. I’ve been enjoying being with you very much, yet I’ve also been enjoying the single life. I fear falling into a relationship before having had a chance to discover each other which can take time sometimes. What do you think?”

    You may or may not still feel the need to date others which is something you might want to do – or not – but is something he ought not if he really wants YOU,

    Make sense?


  174.  #174Dominique on February 23, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    And yes you can ask him that question, what does dating mean to you? And yes ask Arthur what he thinks, awesome idea.

    Love to you.


  175.  #175Liquid Light on February 23, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Date #3 with Finn tomorrow. He’s nice, smart, fun, social, accomplished, cute and he’s got a snazzy car! 🙂 I’m looking forward to it!

  176.  #176Lovergirl on February 23, 2015 at 9:04 pm

    @107 Indigo-

    Yeah, I guess you are right, though it bothers me. I was thinking today about the time he was sick with a really bad sore throat and I brought him homemade chicken soup and herbal tea. Then there was the time they thought he might be diabetic and he was getting some testing so I went to the health food store with him to show him some stuff he could take to help with blood sugar (which he bought). It just feels crappy that when the tables are turned and its me in need, he’s not there. It feels depressing because I care a lot about HIM. Guess it really illuminates how I was overfunctioning too.

  177.  #177Indigo on February 23, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    Beloved 153,

    I have to say I agree with how you felt about this date-which-did-not-happen, these would have been my feelings as well.

    And I’m going to take a chance here and say that these situations are about more than just the practical nuts and bolts, I have come to see over time that things like these are giving you a big clue as to how ready a man is to do relationship. Someone who wants to be with you is “right there”, making the plans, confirming, or making it better if there is a misunderstanding, not leaving you in any doubt.

    I think these sorts of “iffy” plans are a man’s way of letting you know he has one foot in and one foot out. Misunderstandings do happen of course, but yours did not sound like one to me. I dated a guy like this for a few weeks, who felt great on the first 3 dates, and thereafter kept fluffing plans and I just couldn’t take it any more. He phoned me one night in a semi-drunken state and confided that he had just come out of an 8 year relationship and was not ready to commit himself…

  178.  #178Lovergirl on February 23, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    Thank you Sami Wunder (108)!

    I wish I could turn to family and friends, but I kept this pregnancy a secret from most of them. I guess I mostly have to depend on myself and my own boy energy to get through this.

    Today I went and had my hcg blood levels drawn again. They went down so every last bit of hope is pretty much gone. On the bright side, I may not need a d&c. They are going to let me see what happens naturally and do another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. My cervix is closed, and its not ectopic, so not too worried about infection.

    The hard part is still feeling pregnant and having symptoms. It really messes with my head to have sore breasts and morning sickness then remember its all for naught.

    I’ve kind of purged all the men from my life for the time being, but they seem to have a way of trying to worm their way back in. The guy who got me pregnant, he called on Sunday and asked if I will still work for him. I said yes.

    I need the money and right now I don’t think either one of us is going to be tempted to have sex with the other, for awhile. I’m still struggling with feelings of resentment and anger towards him, though he is trying to be nice to me while talking business.

    I feel like for things to get better between us, he would have to make a real effort. In this way, maybe all this happening is a good thing. It puts me in a position where I feel like I have no trouble leaning back! I feel like he’s the one needing to prove himself to me now.

  179.  #179Indigo on February 23, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    Lovergirl 175,

    “Guess it really illuminates how I was overfunctioning too.”

    YES. Guys do not want or need this kind of overgiving from us. We do it (and trust me I know and there is no judgment from me because I used to do it) in order to secure a future “repayment” from them for our services – if we are honest, of course this is why we are doing it. We care of course, but it is also giving to get. We are trying to set things up. When someone looked at me and told me that this was manipulative, I was horrified. It woke me right up. And of course, they were right. And I stopped right there and then.

    Not only that, but overfunctioning, putting ourselves last, is a major attraction killer.

  180.  #180Indigo on February 23, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    From Sami Wunder:

    ““Hi Sami,

    I think I am madly in love with this guy I am dating. He is so charming, looks like a model and we have the best physical chemistry ever.
    However, we only meet for dates once a week and the rest of the week he is not calling so much. On the times that we do meet, I cook him his favourite food and try to keep him happy by fulfiling all his wishes, even the physical ones. I want to show him that I am a great catch. On Valentine´s day I was expecting to get a present or something but he didn´t even call. I called him to wish and he asked at 10pm at night if he could come over. I said yes and we had amazing physical intimacy, I gave him a CD for a present but again he did not call the next day. I texted him and got no response. What´s going on here? Please help me because I don´t know how to get him. Thanks so much and I love your work. Laura”

    My Answer –

    Laura, I am so sorry for your feelings of confusion.

    And while I totally hear your pain and frustration with the situation, I want to ask you –

    Why, as a woman, are you trying to “win” the heart of a man?

    Pleasing a man, especially in the early phases of dating, is a complete attraction killer.

    The man immediately senses your desperation and need to make him happy and he feels turned off by it.

    What does pleasing look like? It looks different for different women.

    Some women cook for the man, some give him presents, some lend him money and some agree to drive up to his place because it is convenient for “him.”

    And no matter how pleasing “looks” – a man can quickly sense the place you are coming from inside yourself – trying to impress him and show him what a great catch you are.

    Your need for his approval immediately distances you from him and prevents him from seeing you as a quality woman.

    Of course, men will hardly ever “refuse” the nice things we do for them – they will accept all the goodies as long as they come for “free” and without commitment.

    # So Laura, I want you to stop pleasing or impressing this guy or any other guy you might be dating.

    Pleasing a man is a sure shot way of cutting out any possibility of a man feeling deep, emotional attraction for a woman.

    How he sees you right now – and reading this will not feel good but I need to shake you up to the truth as your coach – a friend with benefits at best or a booty call at worst.

    I am sorry if this reads harsh but if you can take it as a lesson, as an opportunity to learn how to do things better – it will serve you so much more in the long run.

    On my end, I can totally understand where Laura is coming from. I was this way myself for a long time if you know my story.

    She feels an urge to show the man what a great catch she is – because SHE IS A GREAT CATCH indeed and I have no doubt!

    However, going out of her way to be “nice” to the man, is the complete opposite of what a woman who is a great catch would actually do.

    A woman who is a great catch allows a man to please her, to move towards her, to impress HER.

    I will write another post on this altogether because it is so important for us women to not “act” like we are quality women but to actually “be” quality women – to feel so good and confident inside ourselves, that we organically do not try to impress a man, impress anyone for that matter.

    Laura, I send you a hug and please take a big step back from this man now, no calling and no texting and no doing things for him.

    And please don´t beat yourself up for what you have been doing!

    In fact, celebrate the fact that you are aware now and your love life is more under your control than ever before.

    If any of you amazing ladies reading this, need help with your personal situation, do not hesitate for a second to write me here privately.

    Wishing you all the love in the world – which you DESERVE,

    Sami Wunder”

  181.  #181Beloved on February 23, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    Indigo, thank you for the kind words. I feel held and seen and loved 🙂
    This guy really got under my skin, no doubt.
    And, the evening turned out so well.
    My male housemate, TG, had some friends over to celebrate one of them getting a terrific new job.
    All of the housemates managed to be together all at once, which was fun because the running joke was that there was really only one of us playing different people because TG almost never saw us together. We have a pool table downstairs, a drum kit, 2 sets of congos, a ton of different kinds of guitars, a sax, a piano, a flute…and a ton more instruments. So we got to playing and for hours we were laughing and laughing and laughing, so hard our bellies hurt, we were spitting our drinks out and couldn’t breathe.
    It felt so good, so good and TG was even opening up a little bit, telling us how happy he was that all of us were together hanging out finally. HousemateN made chili last week and he was joking and cutting up about how we all got together to party for this big chili cookoff and as soon as he got home from helping his friend move he didn’t see any of us and we all went to go hide in our rooms.
    It was funny, the way he was telling it, trust me,
    so freaking funny.
    I still feel sadness in my heart and I suppose it’s because J, the date-that-didn’t-happen, brought up all of those sweet and tender bonding feelings, I felt sexy with him, and, I loved kissing him and being affectionate with him, it felt so good.

    I just wish he would have called and talked it out.
    And, Indigo, thanks for sharing because for all I know, he’s still mixed up with an ex or just broke up with someone or who knows …

    I do know that every time I hold myself through these feelings and don’t cave in to fear and chase, it’s like you say, it does increase the flow in my life.
    I actually love this, love the way of being where I don’t have to be cool and pretend I don’t care. I do care. It does matter. I did feel stuff and I didn’t pretend like I was ok with something I didn’t feel ok with.

    Looking back, I’m wondering if the shakey trembly feeling was fear.
    Fear of not getting my needs met.
    Fear that…he had the key to making me happy and feel good and was running away with it.
    Hahaha I LOVE that I didn’t edit myself and when he asked if I wanted to reschedule I said, “Are you kidding?”
    I’m making myself giggle 🙂
    I hear Mercedes’ voice in my mind, “You have GOT to be crazy if you think this is good enough for me.”

  182.  #182Veronica on February 23, 2015 at 11:50 pm


  183.  #183Victoria on February 23, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    Indigo 178,
    I have been thinking heavily about this “giving to get”. I had a talk with myself, and I managed to convince myself that I give mostly because I am bored, not because I am manipulative.
    I figured that I have this image about what a romantic relationship should look like, and it is formed by romantic movies and books. And you know, in those, over the course of 2 hours, or 200 pages, you have so much action happening. So, I take doing my part seriously… I try to do everything I have seen and have in my mind as romantic as soon as possible… And men are not like that. I suppose partly because they are not wired like this, and partly because I have swallowed 10 times more romantic movies and books than the average man.
    That being said, I have weaned myself from giving to F. It definetely feels better to stop overfunctioning. As a side effect, I have less emotion for him these days… May be it chemicals are getting depleted after 3 years…
    How have you been?

  184.  #184Sami Wunder on February 24, 2015 at 12:35 am

    # Hi Sirens.

    Action / Giving – anything except “returning” to a man from a place of happiness is overfunctioning. In the early phases of dating, a masculine energy man who is “really into you” will be giving you ~7 times more than what you are returning to him and it´s your capacity to receive from him that will “help him” get “invested” in you.
    So focus on building your capacity to receive – tolerating the anxiety of not doing and just sitting around like a queen … Our “work” lies in training ourselves to “not work” 🙂

    # And Victoria, Yes we can use the novels to inspire us to be AS sensual, playful, fun, deep and sireny as the heroines… But we also want to be able to identify where exactly they start overfunctioning, invest themselves too much and set themselves up for heartbreak – and THAT part we don´t want to emulate 🙂

    Love, Sami

  185.  #185Indigo on February 24, 2015 at 1:47 am

    Victoria 182,

    I hear you, because I am the same way. And yet recently, I have found that I am more drawn to the kind of love stories where the woman is leaned back and very self-contained and strong and feminine, and turned off by the stories where I see the woman leaning forward. I love the images of strong heroic masculine men, like Gladiator and King Arthur.

    I love what Sami Wunder has said in #183 about expanding our ability to receive and about a masculine man giving SO much more to us than we to them, especially in the beginning.

    Which leads me to your question of how I’m doing… I had the most wonderful weekend, and I got the opportunity to see once again how much more D likes giving to me than me giving to him. I spent just about the weekend with him, from Friday night to Sunday morning, and I allowed him to be the one giving to me virtually the whole time and I allowed it by leaning back. He was the one giving kisses and cuddles and affection, he was the one suggesting, coming towards me, paying for things, offering to get me things, worrying that I was comfortable and that I had everything I needed. It was lovely and all I had to do was create the space to make it happen, and allow him to be the man he can be. I had already made a commitment to no fighting or arguing whatsoever and every time I felt triggered, or panicky feelings come up (which happened a few times) I made myself just lean further back and sink into the couch I was sitting on, or breathe, or do something soothing for myself like take a drink and go out and sit on the deck and soak up the sun.

    This experience not only allowed him the space to come to me and give to me, it also allowed me to see just how much panic there is lurking underneath it all for me. I was able to be pretty gentle with myself but I still wonder why it’s there. Is it just the differences between men and women, where women need more togetherness and men need a little more space? And yet, I could see that when he was happy and was allowed to come to me of his own desire, this benefited me far more. So that basically involved me sometimes speaking my feelings and then turning away/leaning back. And it was all great! I felt so yummy and delicious.

    Some of you may have been following the sleeping in the same bed story with D… For the first year we slept in the same bed, and then we stopped and started sleeping in separate beds because neither of us could sleep. For a long time. But this seemed like such a loss of intimacy, so I have been wanting to bring the intimacy back. Anyway, it started with getting comfortable lying in the same bed again, even if we didn’t sleep there the whole night. And so that was the first barrier to be broken down. And then I found that we were just lying there and not snuggling, which didn’t feel particularly intimate either.

    Anyway, 2 weeks ago I had expressed my desire for cuddling and it wasn’t so well received – I could feel we both had a residual trigger. However I didn’t push it, I simply got out of bed and went and did something else. This past weekend, I expressed my desire again and I could feel the momentary trigger flash across his face, so I just simply turned away from him and onto my side of the bed and said no more about it, somehow knowing instinctively that this was the right thing to do. 10 minutes later he came over to me and wrapped me in his arms and started kissing and cuddling me. It was such a beautiful moment that we made love right then and there and it was sweet and intimate and just too beautiful for words.

    I left there on Sunday morning feeling like my heart could burst.

  186.  #186Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 2:46 am

    183 Sami Wunder — I love all of this SO MUCH, especially the part about ‘tolerating the anxiety of not doing and just sitting around like a queen.’ That triggers all this compassion in me for I am right there right now, even though my relationship with TenderCD is not new.

    I know that it’s simply the low self-esteem part of me screaming for attention, afraid that if I don’t give her any she will die. So I love on her as much as I can but she’s very distracting to me sometimes…she pulls me up into my head and I don’t want to be there.

    Last night I found this nasty voice screaming at me when TenderCD came over briefly — he’s still sick but wanted to see me so badly. I was leaning back and creating all this wonderful space and he was moving right towards me in a fabulous way and then suddenly I couldn’t take the anxiety of the intimacy and all of his attention on me in such a direct, soul-penetrating way so I blurted something out to start a conversation. Moment over, boo. And I know I shouldn’t keep score against myself like this but afterwards I was kind of feeling like ugh, ugh, ugh whhhhyyyyy did I do that??! Especially after he left and I could feel his energy surging towards me as I feel asleep.

    I want to love this part of me that’s so scared to keep opening up. This part needs so much soothing right now…it’s like a full-time job…

  187.  #187Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 2:48 am

    184 Indigo — That sounds like such a lovely weekend! I feel so happy for you. 🙂

  188.  #188April Rose on February 24, 2015 at 3:05 am

    Thank you Dominique,

    I love your script. It feels wonderful, and is exactly what I want to say!

    I feel moved by your care in writing that to me.

    Bless you, dear Dominique.

  189.  #189Victoria on February 24, 2015 at 3:23 am

    I am so happy for you!
    Lovely, lovely weekend.
    I am trying to remember a love story in which the woman was overfuctioning… Romeo and Juliet may be?

  190.  #190Indigo on February 24, 2015 at 3:26 am


    Thank you and re: what you’ve said in #185, all I can say is that I feel the same way, and it’s totally ok.

    It just is what it is, your pace, your capacity, and like me, you can only handle so much at one time. This is actually perfectly ok, and I really believe that’s why these men are here, to gently lead us through this process and help us grow.

    What I’m trying to do, to help with this, is just listen to my inner voice when it’s telling me it’s had enough for now. Not that I shut down but, like you said to me a few days ago, I grant myself a rest period.

  191.  #191Indigo on February 24, 2015 at 3:30 am


    I have seen quite a lot of movies where the woman overfunctioned…

    Have you seen “The Best of Me”? It’s a sweet story but I felt a little cringey at all the overfunctioning the main female character was doing.

  192.  #192Victoria on February 24, 2015 at 3:40 am

    I have not seen this one. Bridget Jones may be – but it is coming and with a happy ending?

  193.  #193Victoria on February 24, 2015 at 3:41 am

    I meant “comic” not coming…

  194.  #194Veronica on February 24, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Indigo – I loved what you wrote about leaning back.

    I don’t know how to describe my disposition this past week. When Funny does something for me or leans forward I receive and enjoy. But emotionally I don’t know if I’m leaned back. I am hiding in doing – and there’s a lot to do: finding a job close to where we’re moving to, moving in together and other odds and ends. But emotionally, there’s this pushback – I am attracted to Funny so it’s not about feeling repulsed. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I can’t mourn the loss of little one and yet I sense a huge weight of emotion waiting to break. I can’t be soft with this. I had a very emotional time when we were eating out when I finally recognised that it was the same place we went to on the night of losing little one when I was still ‘high’ on the anaesthetics. Then I felt the most incredible and overwhelming sadness – a lot of feeling helpless and hopeless, that things won’t change – the big heavy emotion landslide would still be waiting to drop, that I won’t find a job, that Funny and I won’t work out, that I wish I could just cry a cleansing cry. I felt emotionally impotent. I told Funny that I was feeling emotional and wasn’t sure how I was going to be. He showed such caring tenderness and interest in where I was at. Later in the weekend I could tell him about the pushback – he said he felt that same thing within himself. He shared with me all his concerns about us and the miscarriage but these were not dealbreaker concerns – just the worries of us being so vulnerable and healing from the shock. I think it frightens me a bit that we can feel so vulnerable and still be affectionate and tender towards each other. I’m slowly returning to being more leaned back with sharing my emotions – before and still now I felt afraid of something delicate in our relationship breaking. We are different from before all this – not worse just different.

    I still feel the urge to do things – and I like building this new life of mine with Funny – yet I need to get in touch with that soft sireny self.

    Does this happen with traumatic events – where being soft just is a little bit difficult to get to?

  195.  #195Azure Blu on February 24, 2015 at 5:10 am

    Mandy… #149
    Ohhhh… darling siren
    Your song is so clear and bright here!!
    I feel happy and thrilled to hear it this morning…
    I have a lump in my throat listening to this song!!
    This is so precious AND powerful!!!

    “I’m beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, a rarity, someone to behold, to cherish, to love, to be curious about, to want to know more about. I look at the woman in the pictures and wonder what she’s about, she seems to really have a deep idea of who she is, and she may be wandering, but she is not lost.”

    she may be wandering, but she is not lost.!!!

    You sound sooo centered… I am so happy these photos helped you know YOU and LOVE YOU!

  196.  #196Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 5:29 am

    189 Indigo — Thank you so much for this feedback…you are right, I should let myself rest. There is a part of me that so wants to get through all this cruft and old stuff and it makes me push perhaps beyond what is healthy for me.

    Sometimes I forget to have fun. 🙂

  197.  #197Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 5:45 am

    193 Veronica I cannot speak from personal experience but I have a friend who had a miscarriage and she said her hormones were a mess for about two months afterwards. Your body has just gone through a traumatic experience and to me it seems very normal to be bouncing back and forth between feeling OK, feeling not OK, and feeling numb. I feel sure that your usual soft self will return in time.

    How wonderful that Funny has been supportive and open with you during this time. From what you’ve said here it sounds like everything is in a good place even though it may not feel like it in certain moments. I bet you are softer right now than you realize.

  198.  #198Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 7:00 am

    Labbit – 185 – And so….So what. I bet you anything he didn’t notice, for he’s so smitten with you. One or even many what feels to you as missteps with him don’t even register on his radar. It’s all okay, great even.

    That said, I do understand. I dealt with my own gremlin voices for many years, and they can still can pop in for a visit now and then.

    The more time you are with him, the more safety you will feel, and he with you, and the voices will soften, recede to being barely perceptible at all.

    And in the meantime, can you smile at them, laugh at yourself, love on yourself, gremlins too? They’re only trying to keep you safe even though they can be quite vociferous and over zealous sometimes. 🙂


  199.  #199Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 7:02 am

    April Rose – My pleasure. 🙂 And I apologize for the typo in the script, lol.

    Sending you much love.

  200.  #200Azure Blu on February 24, 2015 at 7:06 am

    Yes, Yes, to Labbit #196
    Huggs and kisses soft, lovely Siren!

  201.  #201Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 7:08 am

    Veronica – 193 – This post is SO beautiful. Absolutely yes when something traumatic happens you can go to all kinds of places for protection. Some go numb. Some go to anger. Some go to pain, fear, just about any place you can imagine. And soft, open, at ease almost impossible to find. And this is okay. I love you were able to turn to him instead of away, to share with him instead of holding it all inside. This is in part how true intimacy can build. I think you’ve been awesome through all of this.

    Love to you.


  202.  #202Bopa on February 24, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Making an effort to get back into reading the posts. It feels a bit difficult, and different.

    Remi- Your post stuck out for me for some reason.
    I want to send you cudos for your strength. I have been in a sort of similar situation…It felt good to me to ensure that I did not allow his still being there (in my house) to hold me back. I took myself on dates, went on dates with men, persued things I felt passionate about.
    If I remember correctly you said you have children with him, so that may not be as easy for you to work out. However, if you “do you” as much as you possibly can things will move along and eventually he will go his way. Especially if you are dating!!
    Have a pleasant day 🙂

  203.  #203Indigo on February 24, 2015 at 7:46 am


    What I’ve found is that a grief, a trauma, can take so much of your resources that, for a while at least, you are just doing whatever you can to survive, to get through the day. There doesn’t seem to be much energy left over, and if you’re sensitive which I’m sure you are, one of the first things to go is your desire to make small talk or try to *be* anything for other people, and this can feel a bit like being brittle or shutting down, but I don’t think it is. I think you’re just stripping yourself down to your bare essentials and saving what you have for yourself and for those important to you. I am sure that Funny more than understands and loves you for this, and I’m sure you’ll find your softness and openness returning in time.


  204.  #204Bopa on February 24, 2015 at 7:57 am

    Hi Labbit 🙂

    I like to breathe deeply into the anxiety I feel during intimacy. It feels so good to breathe it down deeply into my belly. It feels amazing when I am aware of the sensations it brings and make it my intention to feel just how amazingly sensuous and electric all that tension can be.

    That was one of my favourite practices! I actually miss that particular anxiety as I write this. I grew to love it as fireworks going off the core of my being.

    I wonder if such a practice would feel good to you…

  205.  #205Violette on February 24, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Yesterday was bad. I just hated A! I’ve been looking for a therapist in my new city and I worry about that process…the money…but I set up a free consultation, so that’s something. I just felt so fed up.

    He picked me up and we fought because he said something insensitive and I hated it and it escalated, he kept changing what he was saying so I felt bewildered and a little freaked (that’s not new). He’ll say something like I’m uncomfortable with such and such, and then, no I want to do such and such…and I can’t tell which it is and I feel like the ground under me is moving. I can’t even begin to describe how triggering it is.

    At any rate, the evening progressed, we slept together, it was nice.

    Today I want to reassess why I’m in this relationship. Granted he’s not a man I want to marry. And the truth is we are not compatible on a basic level. What I do really like is the physical closeness, the way he showers me with gifts, ran a bath for me last night, took me to dinner and often does, puts on my coat, picks me up from home. Is into the relationship to a degree I’ve never even experienced.

    The part where I don’t love the way he addresses my friends, or tries to control my finances and get all up in that part of my life which is private, the way he at times is unsupportive of my work, do give me pause. Is this a toxic unhealthy thing?

    Or is it all little triggers I can allow and feel and move through, and continue the relationship with all it’s teaching me, which I most likely will know more about later?

    Breaking up with him, the idea of actually doing it scares the pants off me. Also the idea of swapping out something loving and committed for single life again fills me with dread. And I will admit that it is nice for now to have just something.

    I know I’m not developped and mature as I’d like to be, where I can stand up to his overstepping my boundaries, and speak up for myself without crumbling in a heap and crying and yelling at him.

    For today I am searching for a space of ballance. Equilibrium, something I can live with that feels, possible for me. Because at this point I’m baby stepping it, doing what I can from day to day, to stay present to RELATIONSHIP, and to stay present to ME.

    I worry I have intimacy issues, and I know I can turn that into letting a man run me ragged too. I would like to stay away from labelling myself like that for today.

  206.  #206Sami Wunder on February 24, 2015 at 9:05 am

    # 184 Indigo – Sounds like such a lovely weekend you created right there for yourself. Yay :)And yes those voices and triggers will always be there… but if we keep stringing moments of happiness together in spite of them … like you did with your awareness… Voila… there´s a happy ever after 🙂

    # Lovergirl – Just please take very good of yourself at this moment – your body and your soul needs it. Sending you love.

    # 185 – Labbit, thank you 🙂 and I so hear you. And yes, some days these voices just take over and try to crowd out everything else… it happens to all of us .. and yet if we learn to listen to them, be aware of them and not believe them (they are mostly lying).. it can help so much and not throw us off our tracks entirely.

    Love, Sami

  207.  #207Azure Blu on February 24, 2015 at 9:05 am

    I feel sad that you are feeling uncomfortable…
    but I think Rori says that’s life… It’s ok…
    enjoy what is good and feel YOUR feelings… NOW…
    It sounds like that. is. what YOU are doing!!!

    I have spent time with a therapist off and on
    when I felt Very confused… It has always helped.

  208.  #208Violette on February 24, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Thanks Indigo, it’s sweet of you to say. I feel heard.

    I know therapy can help, I had a therapist for 15 years and now I’v moved and she’s too elderly to do phone sessions. I also had one other one who was not good and did more harm than good. Mostly it’s a money thing at the moment. So it all feels harder for that.

  209.  #209Violette on February 24, 2015 at 10:00 am

    I feel sick to my stomach because A told me he told his friend our sex life was good. His friend is as it turns out the head of a company I sometimes work for. So triggered about that too. I’m exhausted with triggers here.

  210.  #210Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Violette – 208 – As much as I totally understand how this might trigger you, this might also be viewed as a good thing, maybe even an empowering thing. How cools is that that A thinks so highly of you and how you meld together sexually that he would share this with someone. Okay it’s someone you work for sometimes, but this could still feel good – your thoughts could maybe be – this man knows how sexy I really am. maybe he even feels jealous of A. – Or something like this, anything which might feel better than – omg this man knows about my sex life. –

    If it was me, I might feel a bit weird and uncomfortable like you do, yet I might also have a strong feeling of – oh wow I’m pretty hot, and this man now knows it (too) – which feels rather good, doesn’t it?

    A better feeling thought perspective maybe?


  211.  #211Mandy on February 24, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Violette, your story about how A really made you mad about kissing and telling really sounds like it doesn’t feel too great, I’d be very nervous and embarrassed if my guy did that with someone I work with, and I’d probably feel very angry. Actually, I know he’d get a huge mouthful from me if I didn’t take five and go riff!!!! I’d tear him apart with words, lol. I cannot actually pull that off in my own relationship. J won’t have it, and I’m glad because lots of yelling happens in my parent’s household, and not in mine.

    Also, Sirens, just wanted to share….

    Well! I just got out of my psychiatry appointment. My doctor has seen me since I was 22, for eleven years, so he knows me well. He basically just told me either it’s therapy for J or I gotta break it off with him. He agrees that the issue is psychological and has everything to do with his past abuse. He said J probably feels like I’m more of a caretaker than a girlfriend and he needs to see me as his girlfriend and not a mother-like figure who could hurt him because the connection isn’t as “Sireny” as it could be.

    Well, big wake up call for me. The doc said also I have some fear of intimacy too, I hold back sexually, and wonder why he holds back from me; I can go weeks sometimes without one thought of sex. I am afraid of men who are needy and clingy so I choose aloof ones who keeps walls up, and either J and my walls need to come down or this isn’t going to work, he said.

    So, I guess I was right, I should meditate on either him getting his therapy or me leaving the situation. I just read an article in GQ about how to quit a bad habit. I also heard from Dr. J that he doesn’t want me to just break up with J, but just think about it, or consider other options at this point, because therapy might not work, and if it does, I might still need to keep working on it and working on it. I am no stranger to working on things as I’ve been in therapy for OCD and depression since I was 16, so it doesn’t bug me to have to do some psychological work. As a matter of fact, I might even consider seeing a counselor simply to stay on track with a healthy relationship lifestyle. But it seems a bit clinical, that’s why I like it here. It’s not something that can be examined and analyzed, it’s feelings. It’s just that Psychs know the inner workings of the human mind so they can tell me the facts, so I can get some concrete evidence that there are behaviors that are more healthy than others.

    Anyway, long story short, practice staying open and letting J and others take care of me, because I haven’t gotten that down yet, apparently I’m still ending up in the friend zone in my relationships. I wanted to have gotten over that by now, but I guess I need to do some hard riffing or let J take me on that date today he wanted to go on!!! 🙂

    So practice staying open and unzipping my heart and leaning way back. Allowing him to care for me, because I so deserve it and I’m so worth it. Maybe if I do J will feel I’m more of a girlfriend and not a mom or something! EW.

    What do the Sirens think?

  212.  #212Beloved on February 24, 2015 at 11:58 am

    ohhh, okay, so I understand what happened, sort of.
    So, in his mind, the time wasn’t finalized, while in mine, it was, because he and I were looking at my calendar together and I put in the time he suggested.
    And I’m feeling kind of giggly at what a clusterf*ck of miscommunication happened.
    At the same time, he had the opportunity to call me and talk it out and he didn’t. I didn’t want any more texting adding to the confusion.

    I see why he thought what he thought, and at the same time, there is no way in H3LL I would have held a spot open for the night if I didn’t believe the time had been confirmed.

    I am reminded of another incident similar to this, where the feelings and thoughts were similar, when I was about to move in with the previous potential housemate.

    She and I talked later, and she said, she really did want to be the reliable, dependable person she felt I needed, she really did want the opportunity to rise to the occasion and she really did believe she could have been that for me.

    On the other hand, although it took a few more months, I am living in a freaking fabulous place that I love, with a male housemate who handles everything and leaves all of us feeling well cared for. It’s been easy and peaceful and fun and lots of laughter and happiness.

    And…although I feel soft and tender and feel like reaching out (leaning forward!) to talk to him and talk it out, what I want, is the man who will do that for me. The man who will sleep on it, realize the misunderstanding, and want to make it right with me. Be my hero.
    Which brings tears to my eyes.
    A little voice somewhere tells me that guy doesn’t exist, that I will be waiting forever and ever, all alone, alone loney lone lone loner all by myself forever and ever, haha.
    Thank you, voice.
    I ask that voice, what do you mean by that?
    The voice says, “you have to understand, girls like us, don’t get those chances, we have to take what we can get and make it work.”
    More tears. Thank you, voice.
    And it dissipates. Interesting.
    It feels surprising, how triggering this has been.
    I feel like my emotional self is hijacking me, hijacking my life. I feel like I want to focus on all of these feelings and not work on school stuff.
    Which feels…hmm..like…wanting to be controlled by my feelings maybe?

  213.  #213Mandy on February 24, 2015 at 11:59 am

    PS – Violette – If he’s bragging about you, that feels like he really, really likes what you’ve got going on, and that’s a GOOD thing! 🙂 Actually it sounds rather lovely to be bragged about, I have to sheepishly admit 🙂 Part of me would feel kinda proud…like…yeah, I make him HAPPY. 🙂

  214.  #214Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    209 Dominique — Ahh, it is so nice to hear your soothing voice. 🙂 Yes, yes I was able to laugh at myself this morning! I don’t know why I get so caught up in each day’s minutiae…I suppose when I am triggered it’s so easy to slide back into that constant analyzing and questioning mode. And yet I do appreciate all these triggers so much to help me heal.

    Anyway, yes you were totally right! I saw TenderCD this morning and clearly whatever I felt last night had no bearing on him at all. He was his usual warm, smitten self. What a lovely surprise that was! Of course now I’M sick but that is another story, haha.

    I feel braver taking these triggers on instead of running away from them like I had in the past. When I am in the moment of battling them, I sometimes lose my head a bit. (And yes that’s totally OK and I can love on that!)

    203 Bopa — Yes, what a brilliant suggestion this is! Rori has a tool called breathing through your heart and I’ve been doing it A LOT these past few days. You are so right that along with the anxiety comes excitement, fireworks, a fiery anticipation in my belly that I do like quite a bit.

  215.  #215Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Mandy – 210 – Maybe he will, and maybe he won’t, and the only way to find out is to try. Plus you need to do this FOR YOU, not him or anyone else.

    Love to you.


  216.  #216Millie on February 24, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Speaking of boy energy– does anyone else experience a hard time making decisions? I am a Libra, so i am constantly weighing both sides naturally… But sometimes I find it paralyzing. When it’s a decision regarding just myself and it only affects me… I don’t feel stressed out much by it. However when it’s a decision that affects someone else, even as simple as where to eat or what to do… I have a hard time. I’m noticing that in my relationship, he will ask what I want to do and present options. I ask what he prefers and he says, it’s up to you. I just want to be with you and I’ll be happy that I’m with you wherever you want to go. I love that he feels that way and I appreciate it. But I also feel frustrated and paralyzed sometimes when I have to make a decison for us. I know it should be easy, and I really have to sit with why it’s so hard for me. Maybe deep down I’m thinking about him too much in the sense of will he be bored, will he have fun… And need to focus more and listen to what I want. Right now, what I’m learning from being with him, is learning to be decisive. I feel upset at myself because a part of me wishes he would just choose for us, but I don’t want him to change who he is. I don’t want a man who doesn’t consider me. I feel like I’m used to jerks who just do what they want so I’m not used to choosing and I’m wishing it was easy like that. But what’s in front of me is good and I need to grow and learn and become more me. The me that knows me and expresses it, that embraces love and communicates with ease.

  217.  #217Dominique on February 24, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Millie – This is so not uncommon for a Libra. K is a Libra though being a man might make it easier for him to make that decision finally. Me I’m the total opposite. I simply know and usually right away, and I’ve had to learn patience to let him get to his choice in his own time.

    And it’s okay that it feels hard for you to choose sometimes. It’s a part of who you are, and you are perfect just as you are. Can you try loving this part of you?

    If it’s something important, you can try making lists weighing the pros and cons. See which one outweighs the other maybe?

    For something like this with the man. You say you’ve presented him with options, so he has an idea what would feel good to you. So maybe try telling him the truth, something like – oh my, it can feels so difficult sometimes making up my mind. Surprise me. I love surprises. –


  218.  #218Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Millie 215-

    I love that you brought this up. I’ve been thinking about the same thing. How is my boy energy to advocate for me when I’m not even sure what I want?

    The other night D asked if I’d like company after I put the kids to bed. I could have gone either way. I ended up saying “Yes, please…:)”, but was also thinking how great it would be to read a book and crash early. I still wondered if I made my decision based on not wanting to let him down, or because it was what I wanted, or some combination. I’m trying not to make decisions anymore because it “seems” like the leaning back thing to do. (Inauthentic)

    Since I sometimes don’t know what I want, when I DO know, I make sure to voice it. If it’s a matter of where to go for dinner (or something similar), and I don’t know, I’ll report what I’m NOT in the mood for and ask him to surprise me. If he then says something like “No, really. Tell me.”, I’ll say “You know I always tell you when I have a strong opinion. Right now I’d love it if you’d choose. You can only win.” (and then smile and kiss him).

  219.  #219Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    I find smiling and kissing after any request to be very effective. 🙂

  220.  #220Mistea1 on February 24, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    To All,

    Here’s a couple of useful (to me) quotes from Unlimited Love, altruism, compassion, and service by Stephen G. Post
    “Love for self includes caring for self with others in mind. Do for others without thought for self although new connections and relationships may unfold. No sense of enhanced self-esteem is sought but may occur. They will be good stewards of their body and mind as instruments of love. They recognise that an agent of love is also the object of divine love and is responsible to attend to his/her dignity.”

    “The opposite of love is invalidation of being, objectification, mockery, disparagement, and distruction of being.”

    Food for thought.

  221.  #221lovetodance on February 24, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    beautiful misteal….
    thank you…
    just too easy to get sidetracked sometimes….sigh

  222.  #222Labbit on February 24, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Holy cow ladies, this stuff really works.

    For the past month or two I’ve really been digging into my triggers as my sometimes frantic posts here can attest. Working on healing myself and all that good stuff. I’ve read a lot about how we women lead the way in healing and our men, if they are the guy for us, will often follow our lead…though usually below the surface.

    Today on our date TenderCD was telling me about this urge he’s been feeling lately, to dig into his own insecurities. He was talking about it from a very masculine point of view of course. Scientifically breaking down point by point…I go into this situation and I behave this way. I wonder why I behave this way. I think about what I learned that made me act this way, etc. He is more in touch with his feelings than many met I’ve dated previously so he expresses himself very well which is something I’ve always appreciated in him.

    As I was listening to him describe this mental process he was going through and the books he was reading I was in complete awe. (I told him so.) At one point he said something so profound that I blanked for just a moment, and he was like, “Are you with me?” And I was like, “Yes! I feel so connected to you and everything you are saying…it feels incredible.” Then he wrapped up by talking about how he wanted to work together with me on this, how well I express myself and how safe he feels around me to be open and let me in.

    I feel mesmerized by the experience. To hear a man so eloquently discussing the investigation into how his behavior affects everyone around him, and expressing a desire to better himself in this way…just wow. My jaw is still on the floor.

    All of this trigger work would have been worth it anyway but this is seriously delightful icing on the cake. 🙂

  223.  #223Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 6:14 pm


    Seems I missed some of this thread. SO glad you liked the “lean back” bit. It felt like a revelation to me. 🙂

    And “yes”, girl, it was you I saw in the light house!

    I am loving following your plight. It’s so vulnerable being so raw.


  224.  #224Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    Labbit 221-

    How fantastic is that!!!! So inspiring!

    P.S. I understand what you mean about the full-time job. Seems my triggers and NV’s are more determined than ever. It’s so outrageous it’s almost comical. Grrrr…..

  225.  #225Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    Dominique 197

    I’m holding your words close, right now.


  226.  #226Azure Blu on February 24, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    {{{Labbit}}} #221
    ohhh… my goodness…
    This is sooo inspiring to read…
    I love hearing how the tools work with Mr. Right also!!!
    No ONLY do we change BUT others might also!!!
    Thank you so much for sharing…

    I have experienced some of this myself and it seems so unreal when it is happening…

  227.  #227Gemini Goddess on February 24, 2015 at 6:25 pm


    Beautiful quotes. Thank you!

  228.  #228Mistea1 on February 24, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    Labbit 221,

    Nice work!!

  229.  #229Mistea1 on February 24, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    I’ve discovered some new music.

    Live whale sounds from the Jupiter foundation in Hawaii. Seems the males are courting the ladies at this time of the year, Interesting.

  230.  #230Emerson on February 24, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    Just wanted to share that honestly, this blog has helped me have a better relationship with myself…and I know now more than ever how important that is. I’ve come so far…I’m no longer running from myself and trying to hide in a relationship so I could funnel my feelings into something….
    I don’t do that anymore…
    Now meeting someone feels more like an enhancement…someone for me to love…someone to love me besides myself…
    Thank you sirens..

  231.  #231Indigo on February 24, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    I am feeling really frazzled and fried this week, and really feeling like I need everyone to back off. I feel so vulnerable and needing to look after myself 🙁

  232.  #232Azure Blu on February 25, 2015 at 3:42 am

    {{{Indigo}}}} #230

  233.  #233Azure Blu on February 25, 2015 at 4:54 am

    GG #218

  234.  #234Emerson on February 25, 2015 at 5:32 am


  235.  #235waterfall on February 25, 2015 at 5:37 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Big, big things, feelings and emotions all coming up for me.

    I cried all the way into work yesterday and the day before. I know I feel very trapped in the situation that I am in. I feel like I can’t get out. I feel scared and suffocated..

    I know D is a good man. I feel he is my rock, but sometimes I feel I don’t like his manner and I find things about him a turn off. But even when I bring this stuff up nothing really changes and he manages to sweet talk me round all the time.

    I really struggle to know how I can get out of this. He knows how to press my buttons and get what he wants and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to stop this.

    The sad thing is I just feel sorry for him because I can see and feel where he is coming from. He feels that I am like 2 people one minute warms and loving and the next minute cold and distant.

    I try and tell him that it’s because of his behaviour towards me, and that if he treated me better then I would treat him better. But when I say this too him he just gets upset and attacks me like I am being nasty to him.

    This scares me and I feel sad for him. I see how much he loves me and wants to make me happy but it’s just not working. I’ve tried in a really gentle way to tell him this but it just upsets him even more.

    It’s frustrating for both of us because we both love each other deeply, yet on some level we are majorly clashing.

    I try to express my feelings to him and he wants to listen. He constantly wants to know that I am alright, or to work things out with me. But every time we try I feel like I am not getting anywhere and it feels like talking into thin air. I repeat myself and repeat myself and nothing changes.

    He says that he is just thick and that he really, really does not want to upset me. He says it absolutely breaks his heart to know he’s upset me and that he’s caused this hurt. He says that is absolutely the last thing that he would want to do.

    So then he ends up getting upset and angry with himself and he tells me over and over that he wants to make it up to me. And that’s when it gets difficult for me as I feel exasperated with the whole situation.

    He says he feels so bad that he can’t give me a ‘normal’ life, that he can’t be ‘normal’. I try to tell him that I need to move on but I do miss him and I miss the connection but also I feel it’s hard to say ‘no’ to him. And I feel awful saying that…

    I suppose I keep thinking how he is always there for me, and I can really rely on him, and how he holds me tight at night and looks after me. I feel so confused… I really, really do…

  236.  #236waterfall on February 25, 2015 at 5:41 am

    ..sorry to blurt stuff out 🙁

  237.  #237Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 5:52 am

    223 Gemini Goddess — Thank you! I am glad I’m not alone in feeling sometimes overwhelmed by all the nasty voice comforting needed, though I hope the load lightens for both of us soon.

    225 Azure Blu — It did feel sort of unreal while it was happening!

    227 Mistea1 — Thank you! Although I’m not working through my triggers to change TenderCD at all, it certainly is a nice side benefit.

    229 Emerson — Aww, this is lovely! I have surely noticed a change in your tone recently, much more self-loving and softer too. It is beautiful to watch this growth unfold in you!! You have always been attractive and now you are surely even more so.

    230 Indigo — I know all too well these feelings. Give them some space inside and do as much good and soothing for yourself as you can. I am thinking of it like a rocketship re-entering Earth’s atmosphere — very hot and bumpy at times, but with clear skies and smooth sailing ahead.

  238.  #238Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 6:16 am

    Oh! I also wanted to mention that I purchased Helena Hart’s ebook ‘Attract the Man You Want’ and found it beautifully written and very helpful to read. It’s amazing to me that even though all of Rori’s trained coaches have more or less the same tools and foundation each one brings a unique and different perspective to my love life.

    I have at times thought what could I possibly learn that is new? Helena’s e-book had me uncovering new revelations about the blocks inside of me, the walls that I build and what they’re really about. I love her writing style and the way the book is organized. Very much recommended!

  239.  #239Indigo on February 25, 2015 at 6:50 am

    Thank you for the hugs Azure Blu & Emerson

    And Emerson, your post in #229 is so great!

    Labbit – thank you for the sound advice. It feels grounding

  240.  #240Lovetodance on February 25, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Indigo sweet sweet siren

    Thank you for expressing how you feel at the moment?

    So human to go there too

    Sometimes for whatever reasons those emotions that have us left with no more buoyancy, patience,gas in our tank or forgiveness for our or others mere mortal limitations

    All of it rises up like a perfect storm or major earthquake and has to has to has to sweep everything away.

    Sort of like shaking a very dusty and dirty rug out. To begin again. To settle back in a slightly or hugely different better place…..

    Is it spring cleaning where you are?

  241.  #241Lovetodance on February 25, 2015 at 7:07 am


    Ignore the ? At the end of first sentence.
    Typo. Lol

  242.  #242Femininewoman on February 25, 2015 at 7:13 am

    Aaahhh waterfall!!

  243.  #243Azure Blu on February 25, 2015 at 7:20 am

    Mistea #228
    Wow… I’m listening to the whales singing..
    funny thing…
    my cat came in and is sooo intrigued…
    he fell asleep right next to my computer with his ears back listening and listening…
    I received a phone call and turned off the sound…
    He sat up and waited (30 min.) until i turned it back on…
    We are both mesmerized…
    Very cool story about the Jupiter group…
    Thank you for sharing!

  244.  #244Victoria on February 25, 2015 at 7:44 am

    I do not know the actual facts about your situation (how long you have been together and what kind of faults you find with him) but I recognize the feelings.
    I could have written what you wrote almost word for word not long ago.
    Telling him what I need and him failing to give it to me time and again, me getting upset, him getting defensive, saying “I am so thick” “I am a moron” “I know you will leave me because I am such a moron”. The pain in his eyes, and the accusations that I can be so warm and loving but cold and distant and on the verge of leaving him the next moment.
    I have so been there. Probably I still go back there, once in a while.
    Waterfall, I can tell you now, from my heart to yours, it is not about him. It is about you.
    What worked for me was taking my focus off him, and doing things for me, as if he does not exist. I have worked on myself becoming busier and more fullfilled through different means, not through him.
    He is what he is, I can love him or leave him, I just no longer have the anguish around this decision (which by the way no one has been asking me to make!).
    I also read Dominiques article on abondondent fears in relationships, it was like a revelation to me.
    Good luck, darling siren!

  245.  #245Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 8:48 am


  246.  #246Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 8:52 am


    I SO relate. For me some tea, moody classical music at high volume, and an art project to disappear into do the trick.

  247.  #247Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 8:55 am


    “All of it rises up like a perfect storm or major earthquake and has to has to has to sweep everything away.

    Sort of like shaking a very dusty and dirty rug out. To begin again. To settle back in a slightly or hugely different better place…..

    Is it spring cleaning where you are?”

    Yes to all of this.

  248.  #248Indigo on February 25, 2015 at 9:17 am


    Thank you so much – I had this great long reply that I typed to you but it got lost when I pressed submit and I don’t have the energy to re-type it.

    But basically yes – perfect storm – spot on.

    My sensitive system is just feeling very overloaded at the moment.

  249.  #249Indigo on February 25, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Gemini Goddess,

    Thank you for the hugs.

    I settled for a long walk with some music, a glass of wine, some pancakes and an episode of Downton Abbey, and it helped!

  250.  #250Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Indigo — Although not specifically about your feelings at this moment, when I start to feel overwhelmed by my triggers I like to read this post by Rori as a pep talk of sorts:

  251.  #251Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 10:40 am


    Thanks for posting.

  252.  #252Mandy on February 25, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Ooh, nice link Labbit.

    I went out on a date with my J last night. He was having lots of fun, lol. So was I. We had lots of interesting little occurrences and I found I started really feeling romantic when we started talking about our upcoming vacation to a lake and traveling. He was flirting with me pretty heavily last nite, looking at me and touching me in a way he usually doesn’t, and smiling and touching me in nice places and sort of playing around. I love it when he’s like that, like, happy man-mode.

    So I’ll open up further, even though I feel funny saying this in a blog for women and their feelings…
    We went to the strip club afterwards and I got a dance and J was really enthralled with it, lol. I liked the excitement a lot. I sort of need that excitement in my relationship. I don’t like just watching tv shows every night and being holed up in the apartment all the time. This was very spicy. But the great part was the dancer I chose was J’s friend from work, when he worked next door to her club at a adult lingerie store, where she got her clothes for work, and we were just kind of adorable together, in front of him, both frolicking in our meadows together, lol. She opened up and admitted she was bi too, so she took the opportunity to frolick with me. He likes seeing me have fun but you could also see that spark, that he’s still there, there’s still desire that he holds back. It was amazing seeing his eyes light up.
    And very happy. It’s weird, he doesn’t feel like initiating with me, but when he sees someone else give me attention like that right in front of him, he remembers me, like I show up on his radar, and I smile and wave.

    I got that great photo back the other day and he was like, that’s hot…that’s my girlfriend! That was nice too 🙂

    Big thing with him is he’s so quiet usually I have to do all the talking. Sometimes he starts in if I’m quiet for awhile. It is very hard not to go back into doing-mode with him all the time. He is sitting there being all innocent and cute and quiet and handsome and yummy, and it’s hard to not lean forward and kiss that face and hug that chest. It feels really good…but it feels even better when he gives them.

    We snuggled in the morning for like an hour yesterday too…I got turned on, lol. His skin looked nice and I don’t know why but the tactile feeling of his skin just made me go there…I just love his skin, so very smooth… and I told him, and that was okay for me, I just wanted to tell him and then snuggle some more. But I thought it was a great idea to tell him while we were awake and cuddling that I felt turned on and not afraid of saying it.

    But…He’s taking me to a house boat in Lake Powell, lol!!!! YAY!!!!! Score one for me….:) lol, sorry, I’m boasting, lol! But that’s a HUGE arrow he’s shooting in my direction and I’m taking it, lol! 🙂

  253.  #253Lovergirl on February 25, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    @ Indigo (178)-

    I hate to think I was giving to get. I FELT like I was giving because I enjoy giving. I only started to feel resentful when I was in a situation where it would have been nice to receive and I didn’t get what I want.

    Maybe he didn’t do anything wrong, but it just made me feel awful. I felt abandoned and alone.

    Its very hard not to feel resentful. When his dad was in the hospital with a stroke, he called me wanting to talk about it. When his grandfather died I took over the business end of things here so that he could drive down for the funeral. I feel like I’ve been very supportive and it’s like, don’t I deserve a little support when I’m hurting too?

    I finally let loose a little bit of that anger yesterday. I wasn’t horrible about it, but I told him I was struggling with feelings of anger and resentment and why. I was angry enough that I think some of it still came across as blame. I guess I DO feel he is to blame, even though it may or may not be fair.

    I know you aren’t supposed to make a guy feel like a failure, but I do feel disappointed with him. I feel like he failed ME, even if it was just in that instance. I have no idea what was actually going through his head, and I never asked him to come to the hospital, but it still hurt.

    I did finally say maybe I am really just angry with myself, for caring about someone who doesn’t seem to care about me. He asked me “what is wrong with you today? Are you just wanting to vent?” I said there is nothing wrong with me feeling hurt and angry in this situation and I think it says a lot that you can’t see that. He said “I do see it and understand it honestly”.

    I told him I felt like it is better for me to express how I feel now than to hold it in and let it fester and come out in a more unhealthy way later. He responded “ok that’s fine”…then “I’ll be your punching bag”.

    I’m thinking seriously? My punching bag? Ugh! I can’t even tell him I am upset about something without him turning himself into the victim? I just said “I don’t want you to be my punching bag” and left it at that.

    We’ve only talked about work things since then and I haven’t brought anything up. He called me twice last night. Neither time was really necessary. He does that a lot though, will call about work related things that could be discussed in about 10 seconds over a text and he wants to “chat” about it. Like instead of telling me he sent me some money over paypal, he calls to talk about it. I didn’t think I would hear from him today either, since I didn’t have any more work to do, but he texted about something just to ask a question.

    He confuses me so much! Because on some levels he seems like he wants to be around me all the time. In 10 months, he has NEVER gone a full 48 hrs without calling or texting me. No matter how angry I get with him he always sticks around. I LIKE that but at the same time, it doesn’t jive with other things that he does.

  254.  #254Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 3:00 pm


    I am very unclear on whether you are using Rori’s tools when you’re talking to your man or not? Are you using techniques discussed in the e-book or on the blog in past posts? There’s a treasure trove here of scenarios just like the ones you find yourself in so you don’t have to spin around in this muck.

    If being with this man is something you value I’d pay very close attention to his punching bag comment, because that’s a warning shot. That’s him opening up to you in a masculine-energy way and telling you that he feels unsafe, doesn’t feel like he can make you happy, and doesn’t want to hear about problems that aren’t his job to fix.

    Of course you feel angry. Of course you feel abandoned. Of course you feel awful. That’s all completely natural given the experience you just had. My heart is with you here in every sense of compassion I have. It’s not about holding it in, it’s about how you express it. You can say it in a way that makes it all his fault and pushes him away or you can express what’s going on with you in a way that not only draws him closer, it makes him WANT to help you and take care of you.

    There’s a big difference between telling a man how angry and disappointed you are with him or saying, “I feel so angry right now…I felt powerless over my own body and I still feel out of sorts. I feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel murky and heavy and lost.”

    Imagine if the tables were turned. Imagine if he somehow lost his business in a way that had nothing to do with you at all and yet he started blaming YOU for it. If he told you that you failed him, that he resented you, that he blamed you. Would you want to get closer to him or move further away? Would you feel safe with him or unsafe? Wouldn’t that feel just awful? Wouldn’t you want to cry or run away or maybe even have vengeance somehow?

    You nailed it when you said that maybe you’re really just angry at yourself. Making him responsible for fixing you and the way you feel will never work. It will only push him further and further away, if not physically then for sure emotionally. If you can learn to own these intense feelings and to take care of yourself when they come up, to treat yourself like gold or a precious jewel or whatever image works for you, he’ll be so inspired by seeing you love YOURSELF that he will FEEL COMPELLED to take over that caretaker role for you. I think that’s what you really want, no?

    There are so many tools here that can help you if you are willing to give this gift to yourself.

  255.  #255Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 3:09 pm


    Your date sounds wonderful to me, because you sound happy! Far outside my reality but I can appreciate different tastes.

    Lake Powell is beautiful…I have been there several times and your upcoming trip sounds so cool. I love the idea of a houseboat!

  256.  #256Lovergirl on February 25, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    @253 Labbit-

    It is probably unclear because I feel like I am failing at using the tools in the right way. I am trying- but like in this scenario, when I went to express my feelings, I think a lot of it came out as blaming. I was TRYING to express my feelings in a non blaming way, but in my anger, and because underneath it all I was feeling slighted, I think it showed. When I went back later and read some of the stuff I texted, it was like yeah, that sounds like blame.

    I need to re-read the ebook again. I was without my computer for a couple of weeks but I have it back now. I also ordered another book of Rori’s that I found online called Make Him Fall For You and plan to read that as soon as I get it. I’ve been reading a lot of old blog posts too. I have a long way though, to go, without falling into old and bad habits.

    I am sure right now he probably does feel like he cannot make me happy. I’m not sure if there is any way to make that better or not. I have been so upset about things that I felt like I don’t care if I make him feel awful. Maybe I WANTED him to feel awful, because I did, and it didn’t seem fair for me to have to feel that way all alone.

    I think I WAS pushing him away, though what I really wanted was his comfort and affection. I feel like I don’t really know how to get what I want from him. I want him to take care of me and because he is not coming through I am getting more and more hurt and resentful and finding it harder to be vulnerable and open.

    I did say that I didn’t like feeling all this anger. I said some things the right way, but others, not so much.

    You are right that if the tables were turned I would feel bad and unsafe. It’s hard for me to see this as something he had nothing to do with and that is the part that is bothering me the most. He got me pregnant, I didn’t do it by myself, so I feel like we should be sharing whatever results from that, TOGETHER. I feel angry that I have to suffer through a miscarriage and he does not.

    Yes, I really, really need to work on learning to take care of myself and my feelings. I’m so angry and I think I do need a punching bag. Something other than myself or him though. :/ Because in the end, I do really love him and even though I feel like he has failed there is a part of me that knows he still does care, even though he’s not showing it the way I would like him to.

  257.  #257Mandy on February 25, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    Dominique – I hear you, and I agree. 🙂

    But…UGH…Need to riff…Having a radically bad day 🙁

    I feel so out of control today and like I’ve slipped from taking care of myself again. I lost my tablet that I had gotten from my mom for Xmas. You know, one of those little computers that are portable and receive wifi. God I feel horrible.

    Then, my paypal credit charged me $72 and as I’m on SSI, I can’t afford a bill like that, so I broke down and cried over the phone to my mom and it was pretty humiliating.

    But, when I was crying, J had been sleeping and he heard me crying and came into the room and didn’t ask any questions he just squeezed me. That was really sweet. I like it when I don’t have to ask for hugs when I’m upset. I like it a lot. He usually won’t get out of bed to save the world, lol, but that time he got out of bed to save me, and it was really sweet.

    At least my date night was fun as hell…I can’t believe I lost my tablet though. I hate feeling out of control. J is laid out on the couch because he feels hung over a bit from date night (we did have our share of drinks.)
    I hope I didn’t run him into the ground, he has some sniffles right now and I’m not so sure he’s feeling great, he’s chilly and asleep on the couch so I am afraid I did run him into the ground. So I am not feeling great about that either.

    But also, at least I still have some money leftover from this month because I actually did well saving it for once. I just go into this spiral of feeling awful and guilty and beating myself up. I wish I had the tools to get over beating myself up because I’m awesome at beating myself up. Freaking awesome. It’s like there’s a drill sergeant in my head shouting insults and orders at me. You lost this, you suck, what the hell is wrong with you, and we ALL know what that does to us…not cool, not cool…

    I don’t feel like doing anything nice for myself right now though, like I don’t have the energy. Not the gym, not the nail salon, even though I could, very easily. That’s bad. I do have the capacity to take affection and attention and dates and love from J, definitely, but if I don’t date and care for myself I still feel not very satisfied. I wonder what’s going on inside me when that happens, I wonder if I actually get tired of taking care of myself.

    Can anyone help me out with a pep talk about why I need to take care of myself, stop the self-talk and get my butt to the gym and the salon? I could use a bit of a kick in the ass…well, a very KIND kick in the ass.

    I slip on it occasionally and it really is detrimental to my well-being. I get to thinking I just suck after enough of it and I can’t let that happen.

    I also feel like I could riff way more Siren-like here. I think I think too much and it’s really hard for me to get out of intellect mode. I noticed that last night too talking to my dear J, I was answering things in a logical and answering questions way, not an emotional, feely, connecting way. It is so hard sometimes to get back on track, it seems, but then you strike that balance again and all is well.

    I am relieved you are all here though. Very relieved. And I know you hear me, even if I get no response…there are some intuitive and smart people here, that’s for sure. Some really beautiful people with some very, very open hearts… I still cannot bring myself to talk as nicely on here because I feel very funny talking more nicely…very funny…there’s rigidity there, and I should get rid of that too.

    Okay. Enough trying to control things today or bring them back into control. Maybe I’ll clean up and go to the fitness room and run it out…or watch Love Scripts again, or draw…

  258.  #258Labbit on February 25, 2015 at 4:34 pm


    OK, thank you for clearing that up for me, I am more on the same page with you now. My initial attempts at feeling messages were pretty god awful, lots of long awkward pauses and trying to make statements that were not feeling messages into feeling messages. (Like saying ‘I feel like such a mess right now’ instead of ‘I feel frustrated…it feels twisty and uncomfortable when I feel frustrated.’)

    I’ve been here about 8 or 9 months now I think and there’s been tons of practice along the way. Getting it right isn’t important now so much as continuing to attempt feeling messages and getting into your body and settling into your feminine energy baby step by baby step…it’s like being thrown in another country and learning the language. Everyone around you understands that you’re not fluent yet. Even if they have no idea what you’re doing. The initial discomfort of it all gives way to such a brilliant, easy peace if you stick with it.

    Ahh yes Make Him Fall For You is the book I mentioned to Indigo the other day and I love that one so much! It has lots of tools in there I think you’ll like, and there are a couple of sections on anger that may be helpful.

    I know that you are suffering right now and everything seems all jumbled up. Even if he doesn’t show it he probably feels the same way. And I wouldn’t worry about him or what he feels right now at all. I’d worry exclusively about myself and taking the best care of me and finding even little ways to make myself feel good. I understand that feeling of wanting a crutch, of someone else who can help to lift you up. I have been there and I know how awful it can feel when it seems like you’re facing something alone. As weird and counter-intuitive as it sounds the fastest way to draw a man in is to give him space, allow him the chance to ask if you need help or offer to give it to you. That starts with you taking good care of you. You can do this!

  259.  #259Beloved on February 25, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    Oh, sirens, I feel I’ve had the most cleansing day…!
    I posted to another board about what I was feeling with the date-that-didn’t-happen and felt even more deeply triggered because the women were telling me I overreacted and didn’t understand why I felt triggered or cried.
    So, poop. And it was all good because I felt even more deeply triggered and sat down and had a breakdown and bawled my eyes out.
    I felt very very upset that I felt I had made a mistake in how I handled things with DTDH.
    After a while, I felt deep into myself and felt a strong, strong need to say I felt sorry for how I handled things. It felt perfectly balanced, it didn’t feel like leaning forward, it felt like just saying. I didn’t explect a response, I felt pretty convinced I had been put in the “crazy woman” category.
    But no, he was ok, asked what happened, and I told the truth. I felt scared and I felt like I needed to take care of myself.
    So we texted a bit back and forth, and he asked me out again for Friday.
    It was more wishy-washyness. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable (again!) driving to his place, and he kept trying to convince me to. He suggested I figure out what to do and all of that. He said that he was chasing me by simply asking me out.
    I said, I don’t feel we are on the same page.
    Lol. 😀

    I feel SO happy, really really good and happy, that I did follow my heart and say I felt sorry for the way I handled things. The way things turned out felt SO much better and felt like an easier, more natural and organic way to wind down and move on.

  260.  #260Lotus on February 25, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    I feel comforted by your words and own story. Thank you for sharing.

    Mistea – listening to the ethereal whale sounds with candles after midnight, feeling soothed!

    April Rose 168
    The ‘access’ v ‘what feels good’..I go with what feels good, and for me it’s a balance and trying to stay with how I feel. I just know if I’m spending too much time with someone I’m going to feel overwhelmed and tired, no matter how much I’m into them, and need to break away, but then I’m in a very different space at the moment..

    Mandy – 211
    wow … some hard hitting resemblances with my situation H here… who funnily has the same initial.. never thought of my intimacy/lack of sexual thought thing being connected to aloof guys, no wonder i experienced the biggest explosion of chemistry with DP last Autumn, such an intoxicating mix of push/pull..
    Being a mother/therapist is never sexy and something I quickly declined. I am not in a relationship to look after anyone who doesn’t have the capacity to look after my precious heart.
    I hope your J can be inspired to look after himself as you lean back and turn the attention onto you 🙂

    Millie – I’m Libra and can be very indecisive, which is why i like decisive men!
    The good thing is that I’m fussy and have expensive taste, so often I do know what I want, but don’t always want to speak up about those things.. need to work on my queen aura..
    I like to go with what ‘excites’ me or say ‘I’m feeling indecisive, I’m drawn to x and am curious about y..hmmm’ and often the guy will help me make a decision. It’s great when they say ‘Let’s do x and then y!’ I find this a fun way of finding out my compatibility with a guy. And as he gets to know me and I like him, I enjoy letting him make the decision when I feel unstuck, or let him present new ideas for us to choose from!

    Lovergirl – underneath the anger are some very soft feelings. As RR says punch the air and say I’m angry!!! Go punch some pillows…let the anger out, not on anyone else, then let your siren surface… the softer voice and then perhaps speak to him so he can hear you without blame. Sometimes we have to put down our weapons and take off our armoury, and let ourselves feel soft, then the guy can come towards us when he feels safe, with no need to fight, shift or defend.

  261.  #261Lotus on February 25, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Beloved 259 – I’m so glad to hear that you went with your heart and gut. I have felt so much relief since my interactions with challengingCD have ended as he was just hogging space on my phone and wishful desires of me making it easier for him. .. He was kind of like a bug in the system.. needed weeding out. More room for better stuff now like more free time and energy!

  262.  #262Lotus on February 25, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    It’s been good to catch up with the siren stories, although I’ve been having an unusual day and this evening I feel I’ve been going a bit mad, playing this cassette tape, when will I stop rehashing? I feel that I’m in the departure lounge and should have boarded my flight a long time ago, and I’m just walking from one end to another of the airport.. I need to leave, why am I still here.

    This morning, the face of the H appeared in my mind accompanied with softer feelings around him, as I have residual anger with him these days, although I get triggered when I’ve seen him etc. I thought ‘Da*n, I need to get this divorce quick before I change my mind’… on goes an intense yet very rewarding day at work.. nice thoughts of wanting to see new guy.. then as I leave the bubble of work, I feel disorientated, and thoughts of the H come back.

    I tell myself, this must be a fantasy of the H, the ghost of him and what could be between us. There’s no way we could have these nice interactions again that I’m feeling with new guy.

    I feel I’ve been going mad this evening, mind all cluttered and unsettled, and have to list the reasons why I’m not with him. I feel pressure to get a legal separation or move one step closer to divorce. Make something happen. I feel I’m in love with the idea of him in 3-5 years time if I stay, yet I’m not willing to be committed to him because he simply doesn’t make me happy, or bring out the best feelings in me anymore… besides the fact that he is damaged and cheated, but that feels like technicalities now. I can’t be bothered to help him or want to frankly anymore, just exhausted and want to look after me…. start afresh if I can manage my soup.

    I feel threads of being connected to him… this 16 yr relationship.. urgh… heavy… tied..

    I can feel his presence, his love, so much more today for some reason. Could it be that as I’m interacting with new guy, good feelings are confusing me and lifting some of the bad to do with the H?

    I didn’t feel like this with DP, the chemistry, lust and excitement really helped me… but now new guy has made it clear he wants a relationship and happy to go with my pace, and not worried about dating a separated person as it’s been a year since I left. If only he knew what was going on in my heart/mind… at least I’m not having my cake and eating it, and never did.

    Sometimes I have an urge to call/text H and say ‘What would you do if you were to change like you say?’ (and it’s the wrong answer mainly haha) and I’m just talking to myself… and I think maybe I just need to see him when I feel like this because every single time I do – I KNOW it’s a no! I don’t feel drawn to him like he’s my forever man!

    So how do I just sling him on my back, on my horse, smell the horses and manure, and just get on with life??!! I know it’s a case of just doing it, but then I just feel myself going in circles. Something has to change, my work situation is changing thank goodness, my relationship with my father is getting better, I’m learning to seek less opinion from my strong female friends, my inner guide is stronger….

    When I was drinking earlier, I thought this is when I do it – go fill in the form online for legal separation – got the dutch courage – but really I want to do it sober and sincerely..

    Sorry.. seems I’ve ranted… feeling appreciative of this space. Thank you. xoxo

  263.  #263lovetodance on February 25, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    hello sirens,
    needing to riff about my internal space at the moment..

    some negativity….wanting to get to the gold of the experiences…

    RR says circular dating is free therapy…i unfortunately am feeling that i am needing therapy from all the stuff the experiences present me with….

    so the one cd who i wrote off as too heady and possibly arrogant…calls on and off and suggested a meeting in person….but did not firm anything up…that was okay with me…


    i got hung up the one who i did have a date with…had a sweet and tender and fun time…altho i had many considerations about him…..
    he took a long time to contact me again..i could only speak with him a short time….and may have held back my feeling messages….

    so i didn’t hear from him …its been 6 days…and he had said he was not feeling well the last time we talked…

    i leaned way forward sent him a hello text and blew him a kiss…that was this morning…i have not had a return call…..

    all my gremlins in full force…the gale winds of my rejection and abandonment rattling the windows of my soul…all from someone i barely know….yet felt a softness and sweetness from…

    i am wanting to let go….to disconnect from my stories..i have no idea whats in his head in his heart…this probably is for the best…because knowing me if he was approaching i would be agonizing over how he is not right…even tho its just about dating….butt something in him tuned me into my desire for honesty, vulnerability, tenderness and love…i may have projected all that on him ….or matching those qualities to my own….

    most of all i need to love myself 150% to accept myself 150% and re- constitute my self esteem that seems so easily in these experiences to take a beating…

    interestingly enuf a man from the past just sent me an email asking to have coffee and a few gentlemen who look kinda interesting sending likes online…

    i just feel shakey and not in my confident siren self…and so much of this is just bad neurological tapes from way way way ago..

    ohhhhhh to be a human…to get stuck in the mire and then find a way to pull oneself out…over and over…i am determined dear siren sisters….

  264.  #264Mistea1 on February 25, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    Gosh I can feel your pain collectively.
    I seem to be taking a much needed break. I’ve started my formal meditation process again. I’m finding it clears the mind.
    Here’s another quote from 229 (or so) book.

    “Taking care of self with meditation, silence, contemplation and prayer. Inner peace cares for both self and others.”

  265.  #265Indigo on February 25, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    Labbit 249,

    Thank you for the link – there is just a lot going on in my life at the moment, I’m busy moving in to my new apartment, and tomorrow morning (Friday) early I leave on a work trip with my boss that I feel so afraid will sap what little energy I have left. I only get back on Saturday evening and I really just want to curl in on myself like an anemone. I feel afraid I will make myself ill with how unsettled everything is.

    I’m tired. I know I make things worse for myself by worrying about things and spinning stories in my mind from anxiety.

  266.  #266Indigo on February 25, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    Lovergirl 252 & 255,

    Suffice it to say, I have many instances in my past where I did that – felt angry and resentful and lashed out at D, when what I really wanted was for him to come close and care for me. It seemed so right and natural in the moment to make him responsible for how I was feeling, because I felt so awful in the moment. Stopping doing that was hands-down the best thing I have ever done for my relationship.

    When it comes to men, not a lot needs to be said. One thing you will notice with almost all the coaches is that they say to use as few words as possible. 3 or 4 sentences at most. And choose your words carefully – Labbit gave you some amazing scripting examples. I have found scripting beforehand to be a fantastic tool – it’s a great tool to relieve how you’re feeling in the moment – get the thoughts/feelings out on the page, and also to let you go into the situation with confidence, knowing what you’re going to say. I really, really encourage you to do that – script out your feelings in your journal or here on the blog with us, and whittle down to what you want to say. I agree with Labbit that you should pay close attention to his “punching bag” comment – these lengthy texts and emails to him are damaging.

    Learning to care for yourself in all ways is an amazing gift to give yourself, one we cheat ourselves of when we focus too much on a man. If you can learn to do that, and to script your feelings carefully, you will have come so far.

  267.  #267Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 9:55 pm


    “most of all i need to love myself 150% to accept myself 150% and re- constitute my self esteem that seems so easily in these experiences to take a beating…”

    This feels impossible and anxiety provoking to me. It feels like you’re setting yourself up for a further (self) beating and lack of acceptance. How about “I love myself more and more all the time. Sometimes these days it only feels like about 75%, but that’s better than 50%. I so love myself to bits for cultivating my self love.”

    I think the text blowing a kiss sounds very nice. No major sin in my book, but I’m the one trying to thaw out my personality after leaning away. 🙂

  268.  #268Gemini Goddess on February 25, 2015 at 10:17 pm


    I’ve been on the blog for about 4 months (at least commenting for that long), and I’m watching Love Scripts again after reading the above. I’m still awkwardly floundering with this one, too. We can do this!


  269.  #269Zara on February 25, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Copy-Pasted from Rori Raye’s blog “How Feeling Messages Work”

    Do you ever feel tempted beyond endurance to tell a man how you feel? Even when he’s not there, or he’s not interested, or he doesn’t care, or he hasn’t called you in weeks, or you’ve been broken up?

    And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?

    I remember this happening to me in ways that I don’t even want to remember. Humiliating things. A man I adored, who after he dumped me for another woman (he met her and flirted with her and connected with her right in front of my face, in the same restaurant booth we were all sitting in) – who offered to come over so I could “get it out at him”- who offered to let me hit him.

    I said “Yes,” he carefully took off his watch, first, and put it on the dining room table – correctly assuming I’d never want to hurt his WATCH by stomping on it, and then I started swinging.

    When he left I felt horrible. I felt like I’d been a puppet, doing something that LOOKED like it was for “me” and getting my feelings out and all that…but actually was for HIM – to make him feel better, to absolve HIM from his pain at dumping me (and “using” me as a “friend with benefits” for the year-and-a-half before), to close things out for HIM.

    So what can you learn from my humiliation? Simply – talking to a man about your feelings when there is NO RELATIONSHIP – is all about HIM, not about YOU. You CANNOT feel better by being “honest” and “Open about your feelings” when you have an AGENDA.

    My agenda for this man was, still – and this is beyond belief – SEE him, BE with him, demonstrate to him what a powerful woman I was (hah), and my hugest issue, to PROVE that I actually had the guts to be angry. Truly – I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could be angry, that I could DEAL with him. And – perhaps get him back.

    You don’t have to do any of that. In fact – I FORBID you to do any of that.

    Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence. You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

    Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.


    So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.

    Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.

  270.  #270Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 5:10 am

    Ahhhh… you sound so alive and scrumptious
    in your vulnerability and authentic self….

    I feel sympathetic about all the many (glorious)
    triggers CDing is bringing up…

    You shifting… learning MORE about YOU…
    Free therapy!!!

    You say you don’t feel your confident Siren self…
    But the vulnerable, soft you… is VERY beautiful…
    Power on….
    sometimes I remember to STOP and look at
    RIGHT NOW/// the sound, the smells, the sun
    my paintings, my cat… AHHHH… all that is ME
    RIGHT NOW>>>

  271.  #271Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 5:22 am

    Thank you!

  272.  #272Labbit on February 26, 2015 at 5:42 am

    262 Lovetodance — Lots of great feedback already given, wanted to chime in with my support for you too! I can remember feeling very off-balance when I first started CD’ing between old feelings of insufficiency and nervousness/excitement/fear about what would happen with each man I met. The more I CD’ed the more comfortable I got and soon the off-balance feelings turned into more of a floating feeling. It is so easy to fall into the trap of wondering what a man is thinking or why he does or doesn’t do — I know I still do this at times. Yet there is only practice and CD’ing is a lifelong practice. Even after your Mr. Right appears, you will be CD’ing forever. So may as well get used to the feelings of energy coming towards you, then backing away, then coming towards you again. You are building up this beautiful muscle.

    It is much like standing in the shallow end of the ocean — a wave comes and picks you up, perhaps gently or perhaps suddenly with great strength — and you just flow with it. Some waves will pull you out further into the ocean and though this feels scary it can also be exciting and delicious and brave. Some waves will not move you at all, simply depositing you back on the wet sandy floor where you stood before. And some waves will carry you closer to shore…it can feel odd when they pick you up and you think you might make it to shore, only to have them let go of you before you get there. There’s no need to fight any of the waves, or try to control them or change their paths — which we couldn’t do anyway even if we wanted to. Waves move as they do and we cannot change that. Your only job is to flow with the ones that pick you up and ride along until you decide to leave it behind, or they either drop you off or lead you back home to shore. There’s no need to panic or be fearful in the meantime. You will not drown. The water is warm, and calm, and friendly. Each wave wants only to pick you up, cherish you and then you get to decide which wave you want to ride to shore with. For any wave that drops you off before you feel ‘ready’ see this as a gift, know that the wave is telling you its not strong enough to take you all the way into shore, and you’d have to struggle to ever get to shore on your own dragging little remnants and drops of the wave with you, which sounds awful and isn’t what you want. You want a strong, powerful wave to gently lift you and softly set you down upon the shore, forever wrapped up in its warm embrace.

    At the right moment (which none of us can control or determine) a wave will come along that does carry you into the shore. You KNOW this wave is coming. There is no doubt of that. There is no need to rush it or worry about when it will be here or why it hasn’t come yet. Your only job right now is to take amazing care of yourself and have fun!

  273.  #273Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 5:43 am

    I found this from Rori!!!
    “So – here’s how to do Dignity without going “cold”:

    1. Lean back. Pull your energy back into yourself from wherever it is.

    That means – if you’re thinking about a man – stop, and focus on your insides, how you feel, the knot in your stomach.

    If you’re remembering and reliving a painful moment with a man – notice you’re doing it, and pull the energy away from the image and back to your body – your shoulders, your heart, your pelvis. Pull the energy back into you. Now…

    2. Imagine you’re a fairy princess, or a goddess, or an angel or a warrior or a queen, and that you’re made of gold and diamonds. Imagine the heaviness of your golden, diamond-covered self.

    Let the weight of you sink into the floor. Let yourself feel your substance, your emotional and energetic importance, how you matter, how you’re grounded in the earth, how important it is that you are where you are, that you exist. Now…

    3. Breathe.

    Experience what it feels like to be so important and dignified. What it feels like to be responsible for yourself. What it feels like to know you can count on yourself, no matter what. Imagine what Dignity feels like.

    Imagine others looking at you, in your gold and diamonds, in your substance and importance, and imagine them admiring you.

    Experience what it feels like to feel dignified while you are being admired, and keep breathing.

    If you feel yourself starting to float away or emotionally go away, don’t fight it, just sink into yourself and the earth even more deeply. Sink into your pelvis, and feel the weight of you in the center of your body, in your pelvis. Now…

    4. As fairy princess, goddess, angel, warrior, queen, with emotional weight and important substance…practice this feeling of Dignity all throughout the day.

    Whatever happens that would normally throw you off – unpleasant feelings, embarrassment, anything anyone else does or says in your presence – let it go through you – take it in, breathe, and do this Tool.

    You are dignified. Settle into yourself. Settle into your Dignity.”

  274.  #274Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 5:49 am

    Labbit #271
    Ahhhh… this feels like poetry…
    The waves, the strong, wet, powerful ocean
    and me going with the flow as
    the waves push and pull me…

    love this:
    “At the right moment (which none of us can control or determine) a wave will come along that does carry you into the shore. You KNOW this wave is coming. There is no doubt of that. There is no need to rush it or worry about when it will be here or why it hasn’t come yet. Your only job right now is to take amazing care of yourself and have fun!”

  275.  #275Labbit on February 26, 2015 at 6:27 am

    264 Indigo — *hugs* That does sound like a lot going on! I admire how well you know yourself and are aware of what’s going on with you. Your vulnerability is touching, and though I know you are exhausted it’s still quite lovely. I love what Gemini Goddess said to LTD in 266 and perhaps it would help you as well — I feel exhausted right now…maybe 75% exhausted…I still have 25% energy…that’s more than I’ve felt in the past when I’ve felt this way…I am 25% more open than I’ve been before when I’ve felt this way…look at all the openness and energy I still have to give myself…

    And so on. Wishing you a relaxing rest of the weekend once you’re home and a successful trip.

    266 Gemini Goddess — LOVE this.

  276.  #276Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 7:11 am

    Continuing with how our vulnerability let’s people get closer to us…
    I got REALLY sick (the flu) over the past week…
    during the worst of it..
    I was on facebook and shared how badly I felt/
    How I feel like a little girl when i get sick and did anyone have remedies to share…
    and posted an image of a girl child
    with a blanket over her head
    and a thermometer in her mouth
    looking sickly and vulnerable…
    I received 36 comments of get well soon,
    remedies they use, I’ll bring chicken soup.
    orange juice… Sooo amazing
    even Spirit (I know he stalks me on fb (we are NOT friends on fb))
    text me and asked how i was doing…
    My girl friend brought me chicken soup and zinc,
    My son brought me fresh squeezed OJ.
    My mom prayed for me…
    And many friends and family called to make sure I was ok…
    Feeling loved and cherished…

    A gentle reminder to lower my walls and let others help me!!

  277.  #277Beloved on February 26, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Zara, thank you for the post about FM’s!
    I’ve read it several times since I first started posting here and it took some practice but through trial and error I feel more and more in that “sweet spot” of simply being and sharing.
    I feel even more happy and pleased, reviewing my interactions with DTDH, because I sat and held myself through all of the triggers and with so much love and compassion. When I did say I felt sorry, it felt so easy and like it was from such a pure, clean space.
    “I feel sorry for the way I handled things.”
    I practically feel it sparkling in my body now.
    He told me he thought my behavior was strange, he said he wasn’t being unreasonable and I just nodded.
    Ok, good, he’s telling me about himself. I’m hearing this.
    When he started in with how busy he was and yet he made time for me and it felt like guilt tripping, then I felt I had enough, laughed, saw the situation for what it was, and stopped playing the game.
    Dating me and making time for me isn’t doing me a favor, thankyouverymuch.

    Last night I deleted/hid my online profiles. I feel like online dating is taking away from my focus on school and I don’t want the distractions for now.
    I feel happy.

  278.  #278Dominique on February 26, 2015 at 8:02 am

    AzureBlu – Though I feel badly you’ve been suffering with the flu, I feel so excited and delighted you allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and you let others in to help you, care for you, if only to send you feel better wishes. YAY YOU!!!


  279.  #279Posie on February 26, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Hello lovely Sirens! There has been a lot of very insightful discussion on here, and even though I don’t comment, I keep reading and absorbing all of your rich and juicy perspectives.

    Yesterday, I saw BCF for the first time in since sending him an email nearly two weeks ago letting him know that I would love to hear from him if he wanted to spend real time together but asking for lots of space in the meantime so I could move in another direction. (For history, it was a 4 month hot and cold e-relationship, he has all the red flags of unavailability but boy oh boy that chemistry was soooo addictive, for both of us I think).

    I hadn’t heard anything from him since my email which was good for me and although I felt some dreamy sadness on occasion I also felt strong to my toes that trusting my intuition and boundaries on this one was right for me.

    And then I saw him yesterday. Ohhhhhh boyyyy. I was in our work cafeteria and there he was, I looked up and saw him looking right at me. Wow. I smiled, it felt sincere to smile. And I looked away. Then he started walking towards my table. Oh dear. And he got real close and made some comment about some papers I had on the floor and I just sort of smiled and brushed it off with a benign comment and he left and sat at a table behind me. Ohhhh sirens. I could feel him staring at me. And I might have tossed my hair a couple times and leaned over my table slowly and sweetly when I knew he’d be watching.

    And now I have entirely mixed and warped feelings as thoughts that are hard to sort out. I certainly have no intention of leaning in or initiating contact. My boundaries are there and I still feel confident about them. But I also have a hard time not feeling extra curious about him approaching me. Was it just a peace offering of sorts or was he drawn towards me? What on earth is going on it that mind and heart of his? I am trying to remember that those things don’t really matter right now, what matters is how I feel. But wouldn’t I feel better if I knew those things??? Giggle!

    I feel a little bit playful and hopeful. And then I clearly remember that it feels better with BCF not to submit myself to those feelings… There’s disappointment on the other side of it. Maybe this would be a great time to find another CD.

    Andrea… If you’re out there it would feel encouraging to hear how you’re doing…

  280.  #280Indigo on February 26, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Labbit 274,

    Oh thank you so much for the hugs and the good wishes, it feels really caring and supportive right now. The exhausted feeling started slowly to lift from yesterday afternoon, and as soon as I started to feel better I tried little by little to open up more to people (although there was a period of time when I literally wanted to hiss at anyone who came close to me). But I thought, this time I have awareness around this and that I shut down, and with awareness I can do so much. It’s just exactly like you say, it’s a little better than the last time I felt this way.

    And talking about vulnerability, I was able to come close to a friend of mine by sharing in a raw way how I felt, so that was nice.

  281.  #281Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 8:51 am

    Beloved #276
    Sparkly You is lovely!!
    I do enjoy reading your posts and hearing about this home you share with others…

    It is inspiring to hear how your landlord encourages sharing and gathering together… singing and eating and imbibing… allll so homey and delicious!!

    I send you a pat on the back for handling your last cd!

    I too hid my profile last week… I’ve been 3 months on and am exhausted… I have 2 more cds I am meeting next week… after i get over this flu…
    The exciting influx of men on pof…
    Although many
    I feel I need to do MORE ME time…
    start doing MY art again
    Playing the guitar…

    At times I feel discouraged BUT as Labbit so poetically says:
    “You KNOW this WAVE is coming.
    There is no doubt of that.
    There is no need to rush IT or worry
    about when HE will be here or why HE hasn’t come yet. Your only job right now
    is to take amazing care of yourself

  282.  #282Indigo on February 26, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Beloved 276,

    This is what I meant when I initially commented to you that I see a guy who makes iffy plans which get fluffed without a proper explanation as not being ready to do relationship. I have had a couple of experiences like yours with DTDH, and they also responded in exactly the same way as your guy when I tried to talk to them about it, ie. my life is so busy yet I was still trying to make time for you/doing you a favour, your reaction is strange etc. etc. Almost word for word the same.

    Funny, eh? For me, having a few of these experiences was like the Universe slapping me upside the head giving me the message – steer clear of guys who make iffy plans, they’re not relationship material 🙂

  283.  #283Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 8:57 am

    thank you!!! for the encouraging words and the get well wishes…

  284.  #284Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 9:16 am

    Zara and Azure Blu-
    Thanks for posting the articles!

    Azure 275-
    I LOVE your “invitation”, and all the caring and loving responses! Taking note!

    Beloved 276-
    I like that you caught that about “doing you a favor”. I’m not sure if I would have.

  285.  #285Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 10:19 am

    I am practicing the Dignity Tool all
    Mmmm so powerful…
    i CAN count on ME… I AM important.
    how *I* am grounded in the earth, how important it is that *I* am here, that I exist. Now…

  286.  #286Kim on February 26, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Hello! Just checking in and saying hello!
    And, get better Azure! I love how everyone came to your rescue! Love it!
    Just a few notes from me. My relationship is going well….we had an argument and I realized a lot of my issues are home-made…lol. He accused me of pushing him away…and got really offended when I laughed (sometimes, I laugh in a weird way, to cover up other feelings…you know that whole ‘laughing at a funeral’ thing, has that ever happened to you?)
    Then I said ‘yes. You are probably right. I am probably trying to push you away….instead of finding solutions I focus in on the problems’.
    We made up. This happened a while ago.
    I felt bored for a few weeks and think this is when I pick a fight….because nothing is happening..and for some reason I guess this is why often we get stuck on these unavailable men…because stuff happens all the time lol. They run hot/cold…we find it exciting deep down, it keeps us hooked but it’s NOT REAL.
    How I know?
    Well, listen to this. When I get a call or text from my guy, I feel warm and secure and it’s routine…my heart rate stays pretty much the same.
    Guess what. In my ‘boring phase’, I received messages from MrP, after not hearing from him in nearly 6 months….he wants to see me, watch a movie, go for dinner…whatever.
    Whoa. My heartrate went straight up and I had a big smile on my face. I sent some meaningless replies. Waiting excitedly for the next message. It came. Then I thought ‘what am I doing?’ And stopped replying.
    I am off that drug!
    In other news, my guy has been very sweet and I had terrible NV’s about him moving in. Awful. Nightmares. Worries. Intimacy issues. He knew, somehow and kept asking me if it is ‘still ok’. Of course it is.
    I was angry…because he said at the beginning of the month he wants to help with my bills but never did. I used this as another thing to make me angry when I could have just ASKED.
    Though, I do not like to ask…so I sold something of mine and used that money (it was supposed to go towards much needed computer equipment) to pay some of my bills…I have been short of work this month.
    And suddenly, i felt better….I did it. I did not have to ask.
    Next month is the supposed move in and I have cleared a lot of my apartment…and then I WILL ask. For help. If I need it.
    He has already said he wants to buy me a new phone in a few months and put me on his cell plan…and we will combine our bills and for once, someone has the wish to help me and take care of me, something I frankly have not experienced in 20 years…I always took care of myself and even in dating and relationships, and even when I bought a house with a man, it was always 50/50.
    I wanted it that way. I did not want to be taken care of…I had pride, conditioning from growing up, that being taken care of it weakness and failure. Yes, failure!
    Now my view is changing.
    I like it so so much when a man is making plans to help me and help us and find the best way…and not just an unromantic split down the middle.
    And yes, this is the man who on our first date said, he would not want to take care of a woman, and he wants things to be 50/50…in the pursuing department, the making dates department and the money department.
    I sometimes can’t believe this is the same man.

  287.  #287Andrea on February 26, 2015 at 10:29 am

    Posie!! Oh my gosh!! There must be strong synchronism on this board. I have just this morning been feeling a tug to open up again.

    Last week I felt so fearful powerless and small. I did call in my boy energy. I asked, “please take care of me.”
    Weepy tiny baby girl with big blue eyes needing comfort and safety and big fluffy pillows and huge hard protecting walls to block off everything.

    Boy energy rolled up sleeves and got to flippin work and has never been happier. Finally!!! He shouts it from deep inside of him and flexes all of his muscles. I may not be perfect but I’M HERE!!! Roar!!

    I had my first session with a therapist last Friday. It was healing and thought provoking and she is a no BS kind of therapist with major strong boundaries. She will be so helpful to me in defining my own.

    Next I started re-shifting at work. I realized that I had been pouring all my energy into being an extremely acomodating employee. I was all soft and receptive and smiling and inviting and flirtatious, letting men and coworkers and guests belch all over me with their needy energies. I was opening myself up to anything.

    I am learning to keep my arms, legs, physical body, eyes, all of ME focused on MY business: My schedule, my computer, my work, my writing, my work station, my feelings. And these past two weeks since Valentine weekend, I have needed to switch shifts with others in order to not be at work so much while I’m going through this shifting process.

    At the beginning of this week, my manager texted me that he had given me a raise. : ) I feel extremely extremely joyful about that. I am NOT unnoticed. The owners told my manager to “take care of our staff.”

    I love that. LOVE THAT!! Take care of our staff. We are recognized. That feels so good especially since I wasn’t expecting it or vying for it or doing anything extra to try and manipulate a raise. It was just “job well done! We SEE you! YOU ARE VALUABLE TO US.”

    That feels so wonderful.

    As for men: what an amazing learning time it has been to simply back into myself and let boy energy take us to a place of succinct analyzing and then let girl energy get curious about “how does that REALLY feel” when this happened, that happened.

    I’ve been journaling alot. I’ve been writing down situations and letting myself be triggered and then feeling my body and heart through the situations.

    I’m amazed at discovering how much effort I’ve been putting forth, keeping all these balls (literally and figuratively) in rotation around myself. I have actually been cutting off my own magnetic gravity with an eclipse of masculine effort in order to WORK all of these men into staying in my life. My girl was trying to boy it’s way into relationship. While my boy energy was whispering… “Missy, I love you and I want to protect you, but you’re way out of balance here.”

    So switching things around, my girl (scared, frantic, panicking at being alone, panicking at not being able to take care of me and my family, panicking at not knowing our future) has been taking a back seat and focusing on riding on soft pillows and just feeling the feelings of being a passenger.

    And my boy has been taking over the driving position and he has slowed the vehicle way down and said it’s time to focus on what WE CAN DO about all these fears. Not what SOME other MAN outside of the vehicle MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO… if this were to happen or that were to happen or if I could manipulate the situation this way or that way or or or….

    when it comes to relationships I totally let this little frightened girl take the reigns. When a flirtation and a few dates start to turn into something more… I come off as a very needy little girl who needs daddy to take care of everything. Take care of my emotions, my finances, my ego, my business, my family, my future plans. It’s so strange.

    I shut my boy energy down. I shut my strong female intuition down. I shut my fun relaxed sensual lady down. I turn into a needy two year old who can’t function in society with out a man to take care of everything. The problem with that is: it’s just not really true.

    I’m not showing up as all of who I really am. I regress into childhood mode and become what I thought my mom was when my step dad came into our lives. Very child like, vulnerable, and dumb. I even remember my step dad “spanking” my mom for some mistake she made. (all child hood warped memories, but to my little girl mind, that’s the man who rescued our family and my mom REALLY NEEDED him.)

    Only two men have texted me in the past two weeks. And both were far away men. I just ignored the messages. And they never bothered again.

    No contact from any one else and no desire on my part to reach out to anyone.

    So I’ve been hiding and then not so much hiding but resting in my cave.

    I feel very skinny, bare, raw, impoverished, like just one tiny root planted in very rich dark chocolate soil. I feel like the tiniest of shoots right now, but that my cave is just full of nutrients and thick moist comfort food and I’m just soaking it up, just for me.

    I’m feeling like I’m absorbing different juices in my starting up phase of a new layer in life experience. I feel like the foundation of this new shift is just the richness and fullness of all of who I truly am and I feel so confident in this cave. The growing, birthing part of this new layer is going to be slower and more fulfilling and I feel very grounded and feminine in essence And in vibration And in appearance.

    While my boy energy is finally being allowed to man up. It’s strange. I feel skinny and strong at the same time. Plumping up with good healthy earthen food stuffs and wisdom stuffs.

    Anyway, life seems good right now, it seems okay to be alone right now, while realizing I’m connected to power sources unexplainable to brain wave activity… it dwells in the heart.

  288.  #288Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Thoughts on NV’s

    I am still processing a rough (for me) Monday date. After “coughing up the last hair ball”, and feeling super floaty, my NV’s ganged up and knocked the tar out of me. I did not feel dignified, thought I did managed to stay mostly above water. I did not find a random reason to pick a fight, and I did not shut down. I acknowledged I had a ton on my mind (I really need to work on feeling messages), and that it was not D’s fault. The evening (and morning) ended very well. (phew!)

    So I’m testing out this theory… that like me, the NV’s just WANT to be heeled. They really WANT me to see them, and WANT me to shine light on them. They’re practically jumping up and down for it. Every time I recognize them without adding anger, they happily and gratefully defuse just a bit more into the ether, no longer trapped. They are not “nasty” as much as they are confused, but well meaning, and looking for a way to the light (all of it just like me really). In a sense, I AM their “higher self”. Maybe they show up after I’ve felt strong because they really hope I’ll be sturdy enough to help them get out. They are trying to be released. In this scenario I am not being victimized. I am the source.

    This thought is helping me welcome them and feel compassion for them. I see it as my DUTY to recognize them, as much as it is my DUTY to seek my pleasure. I am the source of heeling.

    Yep, having an existential moment. 🙂

  289.  #289Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 11:08 am

    Ugh…healed, not heeled!

  290.  #290Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Guess I’m thinking about “heels” 🙂

  291.  #291Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 11:12 am


    That is SO SO SO fantastic!!!!! I feel elated for you!

  292.  #292Kim on February 26, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Gemini thank you.
    The thing is, I don’t feel elated lol.
    I feel happy, neutral…in a practical mood.
    We still have a lot of different opinions about stuff and habits and generally…and there will be a lot of compromising and we can both be stubborn….but the man feels stuck on me…lol. It’s nice, but I can’t deny that there are moments of ‘do i actually deserve this?’
    And I conclude, yes, and more!
    But, you know, it’s been a path, and the path is not finished, if ever….and whenever I feel things are boring and settled in, I think back on how miserable I felt with an unavailable man, and how I thought short bursts of happiness and a lot of unhappiness was somehow normal.
    Glad to be past that!

  293.  #293Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 11:54 am


    Sounds like you’re having a cathartic crap purge at your own pace. That and “the man feels stuck on me…” just feel so good!


  294.  #294Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    GG #286
    Sooo HUGE!!! Congratulations super Siren
    ” I did not find a random reason to pick a fight, and I did not shut down. I acknowledged I had a ton on my mind (I really need to work on feeling messages), and that it was not D’s fault. The evening (and morning) ended very well. (phew!)”!!!

    I hope I can do half as well!!!

    I like what you are saying about our NV…
    I think maybe renaming them might help
    give them a more positive spin..
    the CV – confused voices
    Me shining light on them… offering compassion…
    “NOT a victim, I am the Source”

  295.  #295Azure Blu on February 26, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    This alll sounds sooo amazing…
    Thank you for sharing all the ways the Rori tools work and how magically you wield their power for YOUR good!

    This is all so delightful and yummie…
    “But, you know, it’s been a path, and the path is not finished, if ever….and whenever I feel things are boring and settled in, I think back on how miserable I felt with an unavailable man, and how I thought short bursts of happiness and a lot of unhappiness was somehow normal.”
    I am getting there!!!
    I Dont want 99% unhappiness and the 1% bursts of happiness from an unavailable man…

  296.  #296lovetodance on February 26, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    ohhhh lovely wise sirens…thank you for your feedback and reflections….

    Misteal…yes meditation, spirt writings….i picked up pema chodron’s ‘places that scare you’ and read before sleeping…soo soothing and truthful…
    thank you for your input mistea1

    Gemini Goddess….yes! 150%x’s 2 would be 300% and goodness only knows…i do well with the 75% up and down the scale….i can be very dramatic in my exclamations…and thank you for the reminder of being continual kind to myself

    Zara…thank you so much for posting rori’s article…very helpful for me….copying and pasting activity going on!

    Azure…your positive spin had/has me happy…thank you for seeing thro the despair to the strong pulsing life behind it all….!

    Labbitt. ohhhh such a wonderfulll metaphor that you developed and offered…very very lovely…something imprinting on my soul here….

    Azure…i love the dignity posting….healing healing healing…more copying and pasting!

    Gemini Goddess….i love the nasty voices post….them wanting attention to be healed…so very true so very true…
    there are times when i have felt certain pains in my body and when i take the time to talk, to acknowledge their presensce….pain generally subsides or goes away..just like in our emotional bodies….of course they are so intwined if not the same thing….

    Just big thank yous to all of yous….such a process…with the hills, gullys, avalanches, deserts, oasises, hurricanes, streams, rivers ,oceans ,WAVES and SHORES….

  297.  #297Silver-Tongued Siren on February 26, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    14 – Indigo
    17 – Victoria

    Indigo! Thank you for that idea!! I have never been one to ignore at all, but I’ve been learning. Maybe it’s time I use it. I’ve felt that I need to say something because if I don’t, he thinks I’m not strong enough to push him away. However, maybe ignoring to the extreme would do the same – without me having to say something that may make him angry.

    Victoria – Thank you, Yes I actually have alerted my boss to the situation, and he has offered several times to speak to the man and not let him know it was because of anything I said. He will talk to him if I ask. I’ve asked him not to because I didn’t feel it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, as well as the fact that I sense that he is one of those to get easily hurt=angry.

    Also, my boss HAS spoken to the man in the past several times about trying to hang out with the guests on the property or unwanted attention to others who have worked there. It has never been a bad situation, just weird and awkward. But it’s starting to bother me.

    I just appreciated that the men in my life do want to h help and intend to let them help as much as they like! 😀

    I think I will try Indigo’s idea today. And possibly just lock myself in so he can’t come in my immediate space.

  298.  #298Mandy on February 26, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    I love this blog. I wonder who really needs attention today…I always try to read other’s posts but I am so attention-deficit I only glean a few key words sometimes. Then I want to type so fast to get out what I want to say.

    I had this epiphany! I choose guys who will fit into my lifestyle!!!! I have an agenda of seeing women as well as my own man…SO…it turns out I choose a guy usually who helps facilitate that! WIERD…I’ll explain…

    Last night my friends who are a female couple came over, and J cooked dinner for all of us, and he really enjoyed it. He prefers hanging out with female friends, and really enjoys it. It is so cute. His feminine energy is so freaking cute to me because feminine energy is REALLY cute to me! I fall for it instantly. I am a sucker for feminine energy!

    So I realized something though when he was napping and they were here…I knew the moment I met him he would be just fine around, say, a lesbian couple. My friends just LOVE him…they think he’s the sweetest man they’ve met so far, and they are never open to being around men, because they are gay, and men only bug them about sex!

    But my point is…I CHOOSE a man who is VERY non-offensive to feminists and lesbian couples and even bisexual women I like, because I want for my situation to allow for women if it so comes to that. Holy smokes!!! That is ALL ABOUT ME…it isn’t about him at all!!!!

    That’s REALLY weird! I DELIBERATELY chose J because he was non-offensive. What was going on INSIDE ME showed up in J, just like this blog says! Maybe my BOY energy is attracted to women…I never though of that either. Usually with women I take the time to get my boy energy out and row the boat and feel it out. I’ll open doors and get them water and coffee and make them brownies and even get a bottle of wine for them…I genuinely enjoy doing this. I just love making a woman happy. Just love it.

    Sirens – We are SO CUTE when we are happy…did you know that? 🙂 Oh boy, it is just like seeing a rainbow or a pretty sunset when a woman just gets giddy or happy or glowing. I so notice that when we are happy! Then when I join in with a female in frolicking in the meadow, men do notice, but not because of anything about two females, more like we’re glowing around each other just talking because we’re feeding off of each other’s Sireny vibes…it feels awesome.

    Being around other makes us feel like we are taking care of each other too. On this blog it feels just like that. It really was genius of Rori to do this blog and have us on here and urging us in the programs to use it, because it is a virtual village of caring women and that is SO important…we need to stick together!

    Even in nature, with a species of monkeys, the females live in a tree and groom each other and care for each other’s young, and they leave of the tree only to mate or get food. This is also obviously seen in humans…I’m not sure we weren’t made to help each other, as women. I’m almost sure it was by design!

    Lots of my boy energy is used on here, because I feel that trigger to pick up the fire hose and douse the flames when a woman is hurting, but I intend always to riff it out in the feminine energy, on the blog.

  299.  #299Silver-Tongued Siren on February 26, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I have some questions later about how to handle potentially living with a man. I’ve lived with one for the past better part of a decade.. Yet in case I end up discussing this possibility with Avocado, I will need help navigating and negotiating this.

    It’s very hard for me to live with a man and not give my whole self to it, taking care of the house, making dinner, so on. Yet I don’t want to get taken for granted and get “stuck”. Is it possible that I can do whatever I like as long as I’m accepting time and attention from others (circular dating)?
    I know Dominique has successfully done lived together, and her man seemed to be quite committed, and ended up getting married as the icing on the cake.

    I have a hard time saying “I have plans tonight” because that leaves my partner feeling unimportant, and some are passive aggressive and will do it back. Maybe the solution is to only spend time with others in the daytime or when he already has plans? (Lunch, coffee).

    I have whispered to Avocado recently about making a home together, and he seemed genuinely thrilled, without saying anything. Have also mentioned that I would feel happy to make a home together, just do this, have a partner who is a partner *all* of the time, and it would feel good if that were him, since he is one of my children’s parents, and I have always cared about him. He has not responded, but I feel the ideas passing back and forth like waves inside of him.

    He continues to move closer to me, and we have also been physical three times in the past month, after months of getting closer and closer, him spending more and more time with me. – After I had a few months ago mentioned moving together – he didn’t seem ready at the time and has been seeing someone else off and on.

    Now, I suddenly have to move in three weeks. Just as things were going well. I told him on Monday, but I did not ask him to do anything about it. He asked what happened, I explained, I hugged him because I needed a hug and he held me and hugged me back. He seemed to be churning inside. I think he feels afraid. For one week he hasn’t responded to the few texts I have sent. (he does this sometimes…… gets aloof). I feel that he is thinking about his options, I feel he is aware he could lose me, that this moment might be critical, and that he can not just sit back and do nothing, either.

    He seems to feel hesitation about US, yet he can’t help himself. A year ago, he began dating someone just before he and I were getting back together again (I did not know at the time of course). She put pressure on him to only be with her, and he stopped seeing me, just after I also had an early miscarriage due to medications while I was sick and he then moved to his family’s town for a while due to medical issues.

    He has still been seeing her some, as I know he spent one night this last weekend with her.

    We’ve entertained moving together a handful of times. All 3-4 times his idea, until the last couple of times where he seems to entertain it but for different reasons it hadn’t happened yet.

    Now, I feel it’s a critical time as well. I’m tired of the back and forth. I would like to move in and just do this together. – with commitment – but .. I don’t want to be a girlfriend – and he’s one that if I were “seeing” other people, he would say it was okay for him to also. (how to handle that?) Of course I would be sexually exclusive.

    Right now I am having a hard time finding a place to live that I can afford AND that will allow me to get ahead financially. With HIS help I could do this. A roommate wouldn’t help as they wouldn’t be sharing the rent. I need a house where I also have space to work. He also isn’t doing all that well, so it could benefit him also.

    I haven’t asked for his help, yet I can see he is concerned about it. He hasn’t asked me what I’m going to do, but has asked me details like what happened & why. Today, he seemed to be visually evaluating the scope of my belongings. LOL.

    I have a deadline, and it is extremely difficult to find housing in this city WITH resources – which I don’t have at all. I have to be gone from here in 3 weeks – or if they will allow more time, at least have a plan for quickly thereafter. While I’ve shared feeling messages recently, and I know he knows what I want, I haven’t asked for his help, and wonder if I should?

    If so, how to script this?

  300.  #300Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 4:13 pm

    Azure Blu 292-

    Oh thank you, thank you. I didn’t feel sireny at all. I was too busy being seriously bummed that the same embarrassing crap was coming up again, but am pleased it didn’t go south. It’s taken me days to see it that way. Frankly had to rewrite the story in my head from another much less flattering version. Another victory. So…


    …you are so welcome. I’d just spend days coming up with that “compassionate affirmation” for my own self. I was most certainly struggling to love my own self, and came up with that one.


  301.  #301Gemini Goddess on February 26, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    LearntoDance 294

    “there are times when i have felt certain pains in my body and when i take the time to talk, to acknowledge their presensce….pain generally subsides or goes away..just like in our emotional bodies….of course they are so intwined if not the same thing….”

    I know I’ve heard something similar before, but I never put it together. Thanks for this.


  302.  #302Beloved on February 26, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Indigo- Yes, thank you, I got it! One part of my mind got it and understood exactly what you were saying, and I could see how truly it was playing out. Another part, on the other hand…apparently needed to play through until completion, for lack of a better description.

    Gemini goddess – you know what? When I first read his text about how far he had to drive and how he made time for me, I felt my head sort of nod and dip, yes, yes…I felt as if I were about to say something gushing and appreciative…and then something SNAPPED and I felt strong, so strong and clear, and I said, “Look, it took me LITERALLY less than 30 seconds to find something better to do and I ended up spending the night laughing until it hurt. We are both attractive, cool people. I am not a sub (no idea why I felt the need to say that!) I expect a man who wants to see me to make time for me. I expect a man who makes a date with me to communicate clearly with me, confirm and keep the time, and not leave me hanging or wondering. I expect a man who says he is my hero to be my freaking hero and step up and pick up the phone and call me and sort things out if there has been a misunderstanding. Does this work for you?”

    I really don’t know where all that came from. It was totally spontaneous and flowed right out and it felt amazing to see that in myself. I was like…whoa, I have expectations and I’m totally okay with them!

    So he says, “I’m totally okay with making better plans.”
    I noticed he didn’t say yes or no, and when I did, I felt the yuckiest crawling sensation, so I sank into it and let it fill me up and pass.

    After that came the “you can come to my house/you can figure out the date/no come to my house so we can make out and be kissy and stuff” and I just laughed and laughed. Ok, we are so not on the same page. I get it.

    So, yeah, I caught it and I really don’t know how or where that came from in me and wow I LOVED it, I felt like a rock star.

    It’s like that trigger released an egg of some kind of trapped energy, or maybe just sinking into and feeling the real, raw, deep fear and holding myself through it…oh, wait, ok, I see it now…
    it must have healed some kind of old trauma. That’s exactly how trauma release works – feeling the feeling of “being” there in it and then the trembling and energy release. How cool!
    Go me!!!!
    Go go GO mee!!!!!
    I did it! I did it!
    wow! Whatever that was that was stuck, must not be stuck anymore.
    A funny thing I noticed, too, is that I sat down to program at the light desk today and it all felt so much easier, made so much sense. It’s been very intimidating (4 touch screens!) and today, it felt so flowy and made sense and felt so easy.

    So very cool.

    AzureBlue – I hope you are feeling better. I love, love love it when you comment on anything I say because it always feels like the sweetest, brightest, most darlingyum hug from the best friend ever. Thank you!
    Yes, let’s take good, exquisite care of ourselves and regroup a bit, shall we? 😀

  303.  #303Beloved on February 26, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    Kim – oh, I’m jumping up and down happy for you!!
    You so totally deserve someone who loves you like the dickens and is devoted to you and takes good care of you. I feel happy that you are feeling safer and safer to relax into it and enjoy it. I feel kind of incredulous that Mr. P would show up and again, I feel so happy that you dropped that communication. I remember some of that stuff with him and I would never want to see you hurt by him again.

  304.  #304Liquid Light on February 26, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    I had a fun date with Finn the other night. We walked to a restaurant and had a nice conversation. At the end of the meal, he surprised me because he got up and slid in next to me. It made me a bit uncomfortable. Then after he walked me home, he wanted to come up and “make out”. I really didn’t want him to come up so that made me uncomfortable too. We kissed a bit in front of the apartment bldg and I felt self conscious about that. I was really surprised that he was being so assertive and affectionate because I hadn’t seen that side of him before. It was good because I was a bit worried about the physical attraction but it was also a bit like gheez now I have to fend him off. It was our third date. That’s kind of a big deal for me as it feels like a symbolic date because its kinda moving into it being a bit more of a regular thing. And by the third date, you’ve both figured out if there aren’t any huge red flags to scare you off. Does anyone else feel like this about third dates?

  305.  #305Mandy on February 26, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    Labbit…ooh, you’ve been there??? 😀 Hehe, big smile…

    Thanks for noticing my happy state there on the date 😀

    I do feel validated!!!

  306.  #306Kim on February 26, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    Azure, hello and thank you soo much, lovely lady!

    Beloved, aww thank you so much also.
    I just read your long post and was laughing out loud!
    I also think it is ok to have certain ‘expectations’, I would call it ‘standards’ actually. I think it is ok to draw a line!
    Not so much have expectations of the individual man but for ourselves….I used to be ok with ‘last minute’ and wishy washy plans, and now I am not. Not even with some of my friends….
    I used to be ok with a whole lot of stuff and now I have expectations that a man who wants to date me makes good, solid plans and so on…I don’t force them to date me, so they can just drop off…
    This is so much different from being so stuck on any man that whenever he feels the need to ‘pop around’, I jump up and down and do a happy dance. Lol. Ugh.
    I would have dropped literally everything for MrP there and then just to have five minutes of his attention and had literally zero expectations/standards. Then suddenly something flicked..and I started even cancelling plans with him if they were wishy washy or changed…in the end, he did learn to be much more reliable..we need to train them…lol.
    It’s a good change and comes entirely from self love.
    So expectations in that respect are great in my humble opinion…standards.

    In another respect…lol….like expecting a man to do something specific, has usually backfired for me spectacularly…I mean absolutely spectacularly even in my relationship now. Like, the other day I was SO miffed with my man for not calling or texting me on a day off, the WHOLE day!l we had a discussion and I said ‘it would have been nice to hear from you’…the reply, from the sweetest, most caring and gentle man on the planet:
    ‘What, you mean I have to check in with Mommy every few hours now?’
    LOL. NOT what I expected!
    I said ‘no, but Mommy would have liked it’, and pouted.
    Therefore, I was reminded once again….men only do what they want to do and when they want to do it.
    Mommy is ok with that, because when he does call/text/make plans, I know he does it because he wants to, not because he feels obligated.

  307.  #307Liquid Light on February 26, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Beloved, I agree with you. Finn has a pretty long drive to get here and has never once complained about it. He’s happy to do it. I would find it tacky and a turn off if the guy complained about driving and taking time out of his schedule to see me as well. Not classy and it would feel disrespectful.

  308.  #308Labbit on February 26, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    So much good stuff is being said here. Sirens, I’m just in awe of all of you. How much I learn, how much we’ve all grown, the support here for each other. I feel so safe and yet challenged in a great way here.

    Dominique I already thanked you for your reply to me in 197 but I have to thank you again! It really helped me shift out the muck…I am so grateful. I feel warm and happy!

    I’m purposely triggering myself, or rather I know that every time I see TenderCD I’m going to feel triggered and that is now OK and I feel more relaxed around it. I understand that for the time being every time I see him it’s going to be followed by a chorus of Nasty Voices, of gremlins from traumas past trying to ‘protect’ me. And that is OK and I can love these Nasty Voices, I know the old traumas they stem from and I can understand what they’re trying to do, even if they no longer serve me well.

    I understand that for the time being after every time I see TenderCD I’m going to be flooded with fear, with scathing self-criticisms of what I did wrong and a deep-seated anxiety around abandonment. And that is OK and I can love the fear, love the criticisms (that aren’t real or valid anyway) and love the anxiety and abandonment fears. I can stay open energetically, I don’t feel a deep need to close up anymore. I feel safe in myself and this is very new and very exciting for me.

    And I truly think I am at a point where I can let all these things be and heal them deeply. I know the NVs and gremlins may not ever go away entirely but tonight marks a new milestone for me…where I feel more love than fear. I feel so much energy coming my way from him that it’s undeniable. I feel so much love for myself and all of my faults and quirks that it’s undeniable. I know that I’m OK now and whatever happens I’m going to be OK.

    I love something that Rori said in her Walking the Feminine Edge guide:
    “Fear is programmed to beget more fear. Just like more sex begets more libido for more sex, fear makes more fear.
    So here’s the cure: Fall In Love with fear, and fear will beget love.”

    I am falling in love with my fear. Today was a great day…I spent the whole day focusing on me and expanding my world, using my boy energy to make plans and wrap up a project at work. TenderCD and I were not planning to see each other today but he ended up waiting at the gym for three hours after his class just to say hi to me when I arrived for mine. It threw me off a little bit (everything about TenderCD is throwing me off a little bit right now, in a good way!) to see him there when I wasn’t expecting to but I believe I was able to settle into my body, be warm and inviting and we had a nice flirty chat. Although he didn’t say it I’m clear that he felt the bit of distance from me today when I wasn’t focused on him, and he immediately worked to close it. I am blown away. He shared stories about his day with me and how he felt…and I shared how I felt hearing about it all! I noticed he was mirroring my body positions and hand gestures which was pretty hot to watch. I feel so reassured that I can focus on me when he’s not nearby, that I don’t have to keep chasing after him mentally to remind him I’m still there and it will only grow his attraction for me, make me ever more intriguing to him.

  309.  #309Labbit on February 26, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    I mostly wanted to get that all down while it’s still fresh in my mind and heart, so I can use this in the future if needed on any days where I’m feeling overwhelmed. 😉

  310.  #310Dominique on February 26, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Labbit – 306 – Thank you for this. And you are so welcome. 🙂

    Your post is beautiful. I love being able to witness your remarkable growth and blossoming.

    Love to you.


  311.  #311Silver-Tongued Siren on February 26, 2015 at 11:20 pm


    I read through your experience with the date that didn’t bother to confirm plans. Funny, apparently believing he hadn’t already, he still did nothing about it. Yeah I don’t like that wishy-washy stuff.

    I’ve been way too accepting with men also, about things like this. Particularly if I really like them.

    Lately I’m feeling far more authentic and ready to say what I mean, no anxiety, no care about how it comes off, no anger, it just IS.

    I love what you posted in 300 about what you said to this guy. Sounds great and I feel like I’m on the same page with you learning to say what I mean and feel and expect.

    I would have said maybe his comment was agreeable, (I’m okay with making better plans”) but, with what followed, he doesn’t sound like he’s stepping up at all. Ugh. I hate when guys don’t bother to make plans and then expect that I’m going to feel entertained with them wanting me to drink wine and spend the night. No thanks. I’m worth more effort than that.

    I agree completely with Indigo’s comments on the situation.

  312.  #312Silver-Tongued Siren on February 26, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    Labbit! 306

    I love how you articulated that!! I feel exactly these same things. And each time I see “Avocado” I get very anxious also and it’s not easy for me to settle into my body… I have been doing much better though, and working towards using feeling messages with him without feeling entirely terrified I’m saying the wrong thing. He always seems to open up though when I do, even if not immediately, he always does, and with time I’m feeling more ease.

    I love that TenderCD waited three hours to see you and wanted to tell you about his day!!!

    Also exciting that he was mirroring you, I noticed Avocado doing the same thing this last week…It feels so reaffirming seeing that!

  313.  #313Lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 5:49 am

    Oh oh oh oh. Leaning way forward with one of them. I Just compelled to do it. And I know better ….I pray that he will respond in a way that is healing for me.
    I know I know I know This is my inside job. Maybe part of the healing is going here. Going to a place of big vulnerability like this….I am taking big breaths.

  314.  #314Mistea1 on February 27, 2015 at 6:16 am

    All right, it’s been 60 days without MusicTd and I’m feeling good enough to attend a recital this Sunday evening.

    I’m using youtube to listen to recordings since I don’t listen to his practices any more. It helps me learn the piece enough to listen better. This particular composer is one I haven’t heard live before. It sounds good on Youtube.

    I plan on going in right as it starts and leave right as it ends. I will not trigger either of us again. I feel almost neutral upon seeing pictures in the newsletter.

    For any new persons, if he knows I am there it affects the emotional overtones in his performance and I don’t want to hear that.

  315.  #315Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 6:43 am

    LTD #311
    You know… I found the same thing…
    When i began reading and learning about the Rori tools 2.5 years ago…
    Reading this blog… NOT participating for almost a year…
    I did slowly begin practicing by participating more on Siren Island
    being vulnerable, by sharing MY authentic feelings and truthfully sharing what was going on in my head, life and heart…
    It was the beginning baby steps, of ME, learning to
    be more and more authentic with Me (and all the Sirens)…
    But it started HERE!!!
    I LOVE you all and this Island!!

  316.  #316Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Labbit #306
    Wow… Exquisite!!
    So giving of you to share here.
    Thank you

  317.  #317IamHis on February 27, 2015 at 7:30 am

    I have two jobs now, and that makes me feel safer than I was feeling before. It feels so shakey being new though. I really lack confidence at any job until I have been there a while, and I mean confidence in any way.

    Being the new person anywhere usually causes me to have an identity crisis. It’s like I have a hard time remembering who I even am. I feel like I tottering between the best feeling version of myself, which is the person who gets me hired, & then there’s Ms. Unsure of Herself Girl. She’s always asking, “Who can I trust here? Where do I go for the tools I need? Who do I feel safe around that I can ask for help when I need it?”

    Even though the two people who I feel so inadequate and unsafe around weren’t at work yesterday, I still felt incredibly shakey & nervous.

    I kept telling myself; it’s okay. You’re okay. Then, as I was moving about, I verbalized, “Wow, I feel so nervous!” And one of my trainer’s was like, “It’s okay, you’re doing great, don’t be nervous!”

    But then, there was an accident, through no fault of my own. A bunch of heavy objects fell on my shoulder out of nowhere. I froze.

    I carry a lot of emotions in my shoulders. I’ve injured my shoulders. I’m very sensitive both physically and emotionally about my shoulders.

    Everyone was asking if I was okay, and I said yeah, because logically I knew I was okay.

    I said I just need a minute or two, & excused myself.

    I put an ice pack on my shoulder and took deep breaths.

    But for the rest of the day, I was honestly suppressing sobs. Even writing this now, tears are rolling down.

    I feel so embarrassed and angry that I have all these emotional responses that I don’t understand.

    I wish I had a perceptive, loving, strong, and gentle man who could just hold me, let me feel, & try to understand.

    I have my inner boy! I love you, IamHis! I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I love you and I’ll hold you.

    I love you, Shoulders! You are stronger than you know and you’ve been carrying so much for such a long time.

    I love your fear and your nerves and your pain and your embarrassment, and it’s perfectly OK to feel it all, regardless of whether or not “it makes sense” or if you understand it!

    I insist you feel it! & love your body, soul, mind, & all the experiences in them both known and unknown by you, both the remembered and the forgotten!

  318.  #318Lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Sweet azure

    Thank you. Yes this blog. Being vulnerable here. I have been doing that and it has felt healing very healing
    My post this morning is Bout leaning way forward with An unavailable man. My compulsion in action. Knowing better. Making myself open and vulnerable to not getting what I want. Reaching for an outcome for a response.
    My PTSD Trying to heal by repeating a pattern response to being not responded to. ….being ignored was something I experienced a lot with with my mom very young.
    So it is familiar and comfortable and I keep trying to heal it….
    Many of my romantic relationships have not been this. Thank goodness
    But some come along. Sweep me off my feet Nd leave me thrashing in the ocean trying to get back to shore. this morning I left our beautiful sparkling island reaching for a man. ………
    More grist for the mill……

  319.  #319Indigo on February 27, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Kim 304,

    “In another respect…lol….like expecting a man to do something specific, has usually backfired for me spectacularly…I mean absolutely spectacularly even in my relationship now.”

    YES. As soon as I catch my cute little thoughts leaping forward in time merrily thinking, “Oh, he’ll do this and this and this, and then I’ll say this and this and this, and it will be like this and this and it will mean…” I go – uh oh. I try to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and let them go, no matter how well meaning they may sound. Because as sweet as this part of myself is, I now experience it as leaning forward and the man experiences it as pressure. So I just try to say to those thoughts, thank you but no thanks. Because when he does something of his OWN initiative, without any pressure or prodding from me (even energetically as in my expectations) it is so much nicer to be surprised, to know he did it because he WANTED to. And he is happier about it then too, which makes the whole encounter more relaxed. So, as much as I may want something to happen (and I’m not talking about standards/boundaries here) I try to let it go.

  320.  #320Lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 8:07 am

    Oh my goodness iamhis
    Such a powerful story and post
    I so understand that nervousness as the new person you talk about
    And I hear the strong part of you that knows you will get thru this. Because it is part of a process you go thro Getting to who you really are. It’s so natural.
    And opps in A big way. The literal and symbolic crashing onto your shoulders …. My hit. The universe helping you to experience more of what you are doing possibly? Taking on heaping on big expectations of yourself in a learning mode. How can you know it before you learn it?!sooooo the universe says.
    Like lighten up on yourself my beloved one.
    Something like that ?
    Anyhow beautiful siren take care of your wonderful shoulders and remember your inner boy and what the trainer said to you …and I
    Loved that you said I feel nervous

  321.  #321Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 8:10 am

    Ohhh… I understand better now.
    You sound so knowing and understanding about why you reached out… I can since you trying not to get entangled!!

    Yes, I too keep wanting to heal the pattern of being ignored, invisible… When I was much younger i would unknowingly (although I see it much clearer now) recreate this comfort zone by doing something horrible
    to make sure I was ignored…
    and then, beg and plead for my man to come back, love me, forgive me… Aghhhh…
    such drama, such chaos!! I am soooo sorry sweet Azure… I love you, cherish you, and don’t want to do that to you anymore!

    Now, with Rori’s tools I can continue healing with practice this too will pass!
    Good luck to us LTD!!

  322.  #322Indigo on February 27, 2015 at 8:11 am


    I am on my work trip at the moment. And I am at the end of my first day, I am relaxing in my hotel room lounging on comfy pillows, just having had a lovely warm, soothing bath. Tomorrow evening I fly home, and the next day I see D!

    It is not as bad as I thought it would be. The meeting, while long, flew by and I didn’t have to give much input, and there was a beautiful lunch in the middle of it organised by the hotel, and at 4.45 I was able to retire to my beautiful hotel room which I have all to myself and just relax completely undisturbed until the lovely big breakfast I will be treated to tomorrow morning. Thereafter another meeting and then lunch and wrapping up proceedings and then I go home! Actually I feel quite spoilt, the hotel they have put us up in is quite luxurious.

    I am SO relieved. I had been dreading this trip, and now it seems I will have barely had a chance to drink it all in and I will be home again 🙂 Yay

  323.  #323Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Indigo… sounds sooooo relaxing and luxurious!
    What a nice surprise this was for you.

  324.  #324Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 8:33 am

    {{{{IamHis}}}} #314
    New jobs ARE so stressful…
    I am sorry you had to go thru the heavy objects falling on your shoulders…. :-((

    It felt sooo soothing to read the loveing, kind words you were telling yourself… Mmmmm…. yes

  325.  #325Lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 8:41 am

    Azure. Yes!
    What a worthwhile undertaking. Yes. A journey of healing
    Healing something sooo old
    Opening up to the possibilities of loving not bring ignored
    Being turned on by attention and affection from men who are worthy of our time and energy.
    To love being loved and cared for in a healthy and open way.
    I too love and cherish myself
    My unique and quirky young and old self!

    I imagined and literally acted out swimming back to my beloved siren island . Swimming gracefully. The breast stroke no less. ): and reaching the shore with glittering very light diamonds jewels all over my glistening body. Shaking myself off like a mermaid puppy . Yes I took a dive and I am back refreshed!

  326.  #326Lovergirl on February 27, 2015 at 9:05 am

    @ Labbit (257)-

    Thank you for the encouragement. It helps and I know you are right about giving him space. I’ve calmed down a bit now and I have noticed he seems to be trying to joke around with me and be nice. I feel like he is wanting to make things better between us and I should let him do that in his own way instead of trying to push it.

  327.  #327Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 9:05 am

    LTD!! Ahhhh. I am swimming with you!! it is sooo relaxing and refreshing!
    Lovely visualization…

  328.  #328Lovergirl on February 27, 2015 at 9:08 am

    @ Lotus (259)-

    Thank you for the imagery. That helps and you are right I need to find a way to vent my anger without taking it out on him. I need to work on pulling off some of that armor and being more soft, especially right now.

  329.  #329Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 9:09 am

    My affirmation for today:
    I AM turned on by love and affection from from men who are worthy of MY time and energy.
    I love being loved
    and cared for
    in a healthy and open way!!!

  330.  #330Lovergirl on February 27, 2015 at 9:11 am

    @ Indigo (265)-

    Yes, scripting, choosing my words more carefully and using fewer words with him is a great idea. Thank you and I will be focusing on trying to do just that!

  331.  #331Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Azure Blu 312

    I love this post. I’ve found RR and have been following the blog for about a 1 1/2 years. I only got bold enough to participate a few months ago, and I feel like…well…activated yeast (for whoever cooks). The act of putting my thoughts and feeling here, tasking myself to be as authentic as possible, and to shed any kind of “persona” (again, as much as possible) makes an enormous difference. Sometimes now I hear the other wise sirens feedback in my head before I post, answering my own question. Priceless! 🙂

    Indigo 316

    “As soon as I catch my cute little thoughts leaping forward in time merrily thinking, “Oh, he’ll do this and this and this, and then I’ll say this and this and this, and it will be like this and this and it will mean…” I go – uh oh. I try to stop those thoughts dead in their tracks and let them go, no matter how well meaning they may sound.”

    This self-framing feels so compassionate, and what a wonderful way to look at “future thinking”. I will put this immediately in the Rolodex. I need to hear it over, and over, and over… to make it part of my fiber. That’s okay, and I love myself for realizing this and doing it.

  332.  #332Lovergirl on February 27, 2015 at 9:13 am

    @ 267 Gemini Goddess and 268 Zara-

    I really appreciate your encouragement and the post about feeling messages. I have so much to work on but I do feel I am making progress.

  333.  #333Lovergirl on February 27, 2015 at 9:31 am

    Last night I went on a date with a man from Plenty of Fish. It felt entirely too early to be going anywhere. I am still dealing with the miscarriage and seemingly endless bleeding. I thought maybe it would help get my mind off things. Plus he kept asking me out and I had been putting the poor guy off for awhile with no explanation.

    I felt like avoiding his phone calls, texts and emails. Still he persisted. I finally agreed to the date.

    Turns out he is another traveling businessman. He works in Chicago but has a house here so that he can spend time with his 6 year old daughter that lives here (with her mother). I’m always a bit leery of men that travel a lot and wonder if they are living a double life, especially when they come off as smooth and gentleman like.

    Anyhow, he chose a bar and grille that I had never been to and I agreed to meet him there. He called right before I arrived to say he was going to be 10-15 min late. As I waited in the parking lot, I noted that it was right next to a hotel and wondered what his intentions were with that.

    Someone else dropped him off and that also arose my suspicions. He said his truck wouldn’t start and so his brother had to drive him.

    We sat at the bar and had a couple of drinks before going back to a table and ordering dinner. He actually seemed pretty nice and asked a lot of questions about me. He wanted to sit next to me in the booth, instead of across, because he said it was “more romantic”. He used that opportunity to be touchy feely, to touch my arm, my hands and once to give me a peck on the lips.

    I didn’t mind too much, though it felt a little uncomfortable being kissed in public at a table. I was also annoyed when he asked me for a ride home, though everything else about him seemed nice. I wasn’t very comfortable driving him back to his place but I felt kind of obligated.

    It was about a 15 minute drive and seemed kind of endless in the dark. His townhome looked nice and there was indeed a nice truck in the driveway, so it probably did actually break down. He went inside and got a battery operated charger for my phone, which he gave to me since my phone was low and I would need to use it to find my way home. He asked for a hug goodbye, so I got out and gave him one.

    Then I left. He texted to make sure I made it home alright. He said he enjoyed himself and would like to go out again. This morning he asked if I dreamt about him (eyeroll) and said (I think he was sort of joking) that he dreamed we “walked off into the sunset together”. Whatever, lol. He said he would like to plan some quality time together. I will see….

  334.  #334lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 10:06 am

    azure blu and other wonderful sirens…

    i just found a woman on the internet called cynthia morton…she is austrailian and does workshops on emotional healing…she also has a blog…

    i wonder if you kim have heard of her…
    anyhow she is no nonsense and very wise….

    someone to check out in my perspective of things…

  335.  #335lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 10:12 am


    i love this affirmation…me too me too….yes i will say it alot for many many moons…

    My affirmation for today:
    I AM turned on by love and affection from from men who are worthy of MY time and energy.
    I love being loved
    and cared for
    in a healthy and open way!!!


    and i would say now…

    I am turned on by love and affection from myself…

    My time and energy is worthy of my own love

    I love caring for myself

    and loving myself in a caring loving way continually…

  336.  #336Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Me too!!!
    “and i would say now…

    I am turned on by love and affection from myself…

    My time and energy is worthy of my own love

    I love caring for myself

    and loving myself in a caring loving way continually…”

  337.  #337Kim on February 27, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Lovetodance, no I have not heard of her..but no-nonsense sounds fabulous, I will check her out asap lol

  338.  #338Mandy on February 27, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Oh my goodness. Need to riff.

    I decided to up my level of difficulty and for some reason, when I decided I need to speak up when I feel weird, and just have an attitude of how it’s really not cool for me to get too excited at a table scrap of affection.

    After cultivating this attitude…I started feeling like J was very annoying! Like I just wanted him to go to work and be alone! He micro-manages my stuff a lot, and it grinds my gears because I think he could manage his own stuff better!

    I just was thinking gosh, don’t you have to go to work sometime soon? I know my mom has thought that about my dad and they are happily married and don’t need a blue pill and they are in their 60’s! They still have intimacy like they did in their 20’s. but my mom says sometimes she would say to my dad when he’d get overbearing, don’t you have somewhere to go, lol…

    This rarely ever happens to me but right now it’s like I feel like J kind of laughs with other people at me when I do something a bit off. I don’t like that at all.

    Yesterday I told him a feeling message making sure he knows I don’t like it, when it happened at the store in front of a clerk. Then later, I gave him another feeling message when I was doing the dishes, about how I remembered how he joked to a cocktail waitress we were chatting with at the club, that I don’t do the dishes often enough. When I remembered this when I was rinsing the dishes, he noticed that I stopped and stared at them, so he came over and asked why I was staring at the dishes, and I told him, I remember the other night when the joke was made that I don’t do the dishes often enough and I feel awful…he tried hugging me and comforting me. He said “You did an excellent job today…” Okay, I give him points for hugging me and trying to make me feel better, but if the fun making doesn’t stop, I’ll tell him look either you cut it out, or it’s a deal breaker.

    I don’t feel guilty about that because it’s not like it’s not his fault for making fun of me, it IS his fault and I have no qualms about being angry or whatever about it. The sex thing is much different, not his fault and something I’m willing to work on. It’s weird though I never noticed this fun-poking before because I’d laugh it off. But it’s really triggering right now.

    But ya that REALLY pissed me off. I do NOT like being made fun of. The more it happens, the more angry and annoyed I’ll get, pretty much! I know Rori is a huge stickler about stopping it when a guy pokes fun at you because he thinks he’s being fun or funny. I suppose he likes to pull out witty jokes in front of other people to try to connect with them and he doesn’t realize it but it is at my expense because it’s about me and I usually can’t defend myself because I’d sound like a jerk, ruining the fun.

    I hate it when men tease you…

  339.  #339Posie on February 27, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Beloved, reading that post about how strong and confident and clear you were made me feel that way too! Love it!

  340.  #340Mandy on February 27, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    PS – I see that there’s a way to change your name on this blog…would it be too confusing if I picked a new name?

  341.  #341Azure Blu on February 27, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    LTD… went to cynthia mortons site.
    Nice… thank you

  342.  #342Silver-Tongued Siren on February 27, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Lovergirl, ay ay ay… Date sounds ok but sounds like a little uncomfortable. I would feel uncomfortable about him not having asked you beforehand if you were ok with giving him a ride back. I forget, was this a first date? If so, weirdness on the kissy kissy. Also the comment about dreaming about walking off into the sunset together, triggers red flags for me, (after much experience with men being heavily charming early on)… I also feel myself wanting to find a reason why he would say that, but.. too much thinking. Just stay in your feelings….

  343.  #343Femininewoman on February 27, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    Mandy I think if when the new name shows up you indicate that this is former M then most people will remember. I changed mine once.

    About being made fun of, I know for me sometimes I experience it as criticism. The trick is to find a way to share it without making him responsible for your anger or making him wrong. Remember it is that it likely is triggering a memory of something that happened in the past. He might be just thinking that he is being playful and trying to have some fun with you. Remember it is a masculine thing to use teasing to bond with each other.

  344.  #344Silver-Tongued Siren on February 27, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    Anyone have any ideas Re: my previous post?

    He asked me today what I’m thinking, about house/moving.

    I told him “I am looking into some things, I don’t have any money at all not allocated to bills, but I have some ideas”….. I didn’t elaborate yet on the ideas.

    I think I did well in the past few weeks telling him in feeling messages what I want, but it wasn’t a pressing thing actually happening at that point, it was a possibility. Now it is definitely happening.

    I am trying to keep in my body and feelings, which isn’t easy, I had court today, and haven’t eaten much, and have had too much tea. lol.

    If anyone has any thoughts please share.
    He is actually on his way to give me a ride to get my spare key right now.

  345.  #345Mandy on February 27, 2015 at 2:26 pm


    Yes, you are absolutely right, he’s using it to bond socially, but with someone else, not me, and at my expense. That’s just not cool, and I just won’t put up with it. And yes you are right, it is something from my past, because I have a twin brother who absolutely tortured and tormented me throughout my childhood, teenage and young adulthood years, and I am absolutely sick, tired, and done with being teased, for the rest of my life. Just will not do it, have no capacity for being teased.

    Just don’t like it and I feel I should be able to say it if I don’t like it…BUT you are right, I should say it in a soft way, with the least amount of drama possible…

    My mom just told me about how my dad used to do that, and basically she told him I don’t like that, please stop it, so he did and now it isn’t a problem. I think if I really don’t like it J will get the picture.

  346.  #346Beloved on February 27, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    Silver-tongued Siren – ha, yes, the ambiguous answer, right? He left an out for himself, same as he did with the date time so he could do a little sidestep.

    Really, I wish I had been able to just trust my feelings totally and say “No, I don’t want to reschedule.”
    But it didn’t happen that way. I felt deeply triggered way above and beyond the situation, and…well, I played it through and it is done.

    I feel like maybe I just needed to KNOW know, all the way through, that I wasn’t pushing away a good man, even though one part of me tells me a good man would have called and made it right, the rest of me needed to see it through and I actually ended up feeling BETTER, so I call it a win.

    Posie – Oh, I feel so happy, I love it when others feel inspired by what I’m going through, thank you for saying that! It feels good to hear when I feel I’ve made kind of a mess! 10 years ago, that mess would have probably turned into a nasty relationship or a short-term sex fling that would have left me feeling like utter garbage.

    Hooray for trusting my boundaries 🙂

  347.  #347Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    Feeling message/riffing…

    When I am waiting around after the time that we agreed to meet, I feel low-priority, then I feel hurt, then I feel angry, then I feel unhappy that I feel angry, then I feel scared that I feel angry, then I feel angry that I feel angry, then I don’t want to feel any of these things because I want to have a nice time, then I feel pressure to stuff it, and pressure not to, then I feel frustrated that I have to navigate all these feeling and decide how and if to communicate them.

    When I get a text saying that your are leaving in a few minutes to get here, at this hour I know that you will be late. I know that we won’t be able to have the appetizer we talked about before the ferry leaves for the city. I feel disappointed about that, and I feel low-priority because this will happen because you are late….go back to “Start”.

    Will I say it, or not. I don’t know yet.

  348.  #348Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    When I am waiting around after the time that we agreed on and I feel all those things, and I always remember growing up and my mom ALWAYS being late, even when we just moved somewhere new and I didn’t know anyone or how to get home by myself, and I felt SO low priority and scared and miserable. I would tell her and would be dismissed and chastised for being rude until finally I just didn’t say anything anymore ever…but sat waiting…bottled up…miserable…

  349.  #349Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    I don’t want to feel this

  350.  #350Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 5:19 pm

    He is late and I am PISSED

  351.  #351Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    …and this is where I second guess if I’m “over-reacting” or not. This is where it breaks down for me. Right now.

    He’s calling and texting to ask if I can meet him downstairs, and I’m not answering, and I can’t decide if I’m acting sireny or bitchy, because my blood is boiling and I’m seeing red, and everything I’ve read and listened to is going out the window. Drat.

  352.  #352Bopa on February 27, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    This wind is ripping through me. It is fierce and it is power.
    Where did I lose that? Such tension…
    Just let go little girl and blend with it. Just lt it wash through your limbs and up your spine, over your brain. Let it fill your eyes and ears. All that power belongs to you.

    I am feeling relaxed of mind and tense of body. Chilly, maybe…
    I feel connected and intimate with myself and my surroundings. I feel rushed and eager now. It’s time to go!

  353.  #353lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    ohhhh so good to read posts from both of you….gemini goddess and beloved

    i feel alittle more normal reading others processes….that other beautiful woman go thru some stuff to understand, relate to, manage their feelings when triggered…

    the soup of our feelings….how our emotions get stirred and leave us ‘over-reacting’ possibly to situations…because deep down they trigger something from the past …that is a wound/ something that wants to be healed….

    i totally over-reacted to the cd who at first i had such ambivalence towards…still do…but as soon as he disappeared…after connecting so sweetly…just one date mind you…lots of texting before….
    and then poof…

    oh my goodness what that does to my nervous system..its ridiculous…
    then i get so incredibly triggered and he becomes the man whose got to call me …who i liked so much ….oh my goodness….when i’m not totally spell bound with this BS…i am laughing at myself….between hysteria, and hysterical..

    i do see whats happening….it just amazes me my strong neuerotic reactions….what a learning…what a learning curve…

    thank the divine for dance class…zumba..salsa..Back in my Body and sexy loving of life! out of my head, my analyzing dangerous head….

  354.  #354Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    I just want to be happy. No more triggers tonight, Universe…please. I’m so scared I’m sabotaging this.

  355.  #355lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    oh yes gemini goddess…sweet siren…

    i support you in no more triggers to nite…would it be totally off the charts to get up and shake off any yukky anything hanging around…
    i mean its all about the bootie not the treble…
    just shake off as much as you can and bring your sparkling love of life right back up to the surface…

    so much advice giving…just want you to know i am feeling you girl!

  356.  #356Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 10:04 pm

    Oh, faithful old NV, telling me he’ll more sooner than later get sick of all my sh*t. Telling me that they all like showing me off because I’m so very impressively poised and “presentable” (SO SICK of hearing that, though it’s always meant as a compliment. I think I’ll get some damned facial piercings or tattoos, or something less perfectly “Talbots”), and enthusiastic in the sack (which I just am), but that TRUE love is for other people, and I’d better not be too much trouble. I want to be loved for the MESS I am. Yep. Having a melt down. Think I’ll stop typing now. Must pull it together. Not happy with myself right now.

  357.  #357Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    Oh, LovetoDance

    Thank you….

  358.  #358lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    i meant its all about the bass [ ha ha bootie] not the treble…i hope you know the song….well of course you do…

  359.  #359lovetodance on February 27, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    funny AND sexy…
    no wonder he loves you…mess and all …your irreverence must be a blast of fresh air to him and all you encounter
    in a poised package


  360.  #360Beloved on February 27, 2015 at 10:12 pm


    Yes, I’m laughing at myself, too.
    It feels so funny and amusing to realize, how incredibly scared I felt that I was more into him than he was into me. Which turned out to be true, for a hot minute anyway…and I survived.

    I feel actually kind of even more happy that I did say I felt sorry because the offer of going to get drinks at a bar then go back to his place to get high and make out…was..so…ludicrous and it gave my roomieJ and I so much laughter, omg today we were just laughing our butts off over it. Like, he invested less than $10 for tea on our first date and then wants me to drive 20 miles downtown to get drunk, then another 30 miles to his place from the bar, and another 30 back home again…so I can have the pleasure of engaging in risky behavior with a dodgy guy who can’t plan a simple date that doesn’t involve a bar? And thinks this is a great idea on our 2nd date? And thinks this is SPOILING me?
    Omg lmao.

    And honestly, I can remember a time, when I would have bought into all of the chivalrous bluffing on the first date, then wondered what I had done wrong to make it all disappear and what hoops do I need to jump through to get that back and believing I could upgrade the “everything on his terms” to something more equal, if only…I ..could…just…get him on my page and seeing things my way. Or something crazy like that.

    And meanwhile…everything on the home front is getting better and better. RoomieJ and RoomieN and I all hung out together cooking for each other tonight, which felt nourishing for us, as women, to be caring for each other.
    Oh, and, yesterday I woke up, and stumbled into the shower only to discover that TG had installed a new showerhead. OMG. It is about a million times better than the one that was in there. It is a handheld with a big fat rich heavy rainflow kind of flow. It is ShowerHeaven.
    I feel so grateful…so, so grateful.

  361.  #361Gemini Goddess on February 27, 2015 at 10:16 pm


    Eyes dried, fresh coat of make-up applied…I’m going back in.

    Can’t thank you enough.

    Enormous grateful hug…

  362.  #362Mistea1 on February 28, 2015 at 5:05 am

    Lovetodance, GG, Beloved, et.al.,

    Thank you all for the breath of levity here. I’ve been going about my day dipping into these posts now and again. Even with all my angst over this MusicTd thing there is a generous dollop of chuckling on my part over all the gross immaturity I’ve seen.

    This is a grown man, worldly wise supposedly, sophisticated in the ways of the world supposedly, acting like a 14 year old. I had this weird mix of “how could you do this to me,” and almost laughig in his face at some of the more juvenile stuff.

    I’m feeling much better and like GG says, “I’m going back in.” I’m going to go in just before the perfomance and leave as it ends. This is probably juvenile too but I have a different color hair wig and a different coat. I’m hoping no one recognises me who may be able to tell him I was there. I want to hear the pieces without any of his emotional overtones when he thought I might be listening.

    Thanks for all your wise and vulnerable comments everyone.

  363.  #363Elsie on February 28, 2015 at 9:44 am

    New post is up 🙂

  364.  #364Labbit on February 28, 2015 at 10:42 am

    355 Gemini Goddess — First off, **hugs**. I can think of so many nights where TenderCD was late for dates, and how it started a chorus of nasty voices in my head about how little he cared for me. For awhile it was very hard for me to know how I really felt about his constant lateness — was I really OK with it or was it a dealbreaker? Was he doing it on purpose even unconsciously to show me I didn’t mean all that much to him? Or was it simply part of he is, something I needed to accept?

    I ended up not needing to answer any of those questions at all. When I went deep inside, as I got better at finding what my real emotion was in those moments where he was late and it felt like waiting to me, I realized that his lateness was triggering my abandonment fears big time. When we were very early on in our relationship the lateness wasn’t an issue to me because I wasn’t emotionally invested.

    As I got to know him better and feel attached to him, the lateness became a symptom of deeper turmoil going on inside of me. As he and I got closer emotionally I could find ALL KINDS OF THINGS about him to nitpick. The way he’d ask me seven times if the restaurant he picked was OK with me. How he’d tell the same three stories over and over, as though I hadn’t heard them and he didn’t remember telling them to me. How he’d always talk about places he wanted to bring me in the future, but then never seemed to follow through on any of those things. The way he couldn’t sit still in his condo when I came over, he was always jumping up and down off the couch like a spring constantly being coiled and then releasing.

    With time I realized this was all a manifestation of my own nervous energy affecting him, triggering him right back. I was afraid to let him in too close yet also wanting him to come ever closer at the same time and the result was a constant push and pull in my vibe which TenderCD could feel. I so much wanted him to come closer to me emotionally and fall in love with me and at the same time nothing scared me more than the thought of him being in love with me! So my mind, affected by my body and energetic tension, started finding little things about him to disqualify him — to make him wrong for me.

    When this happens, the only way I can combat it is to love on those gremlins so hard, give them so much love, and gently persuade myself to open up more. I’ll immediately draw on good memories and think of all the good things he does for me. Whatever can help me relax. When I relax, he relaxes, and neither of us trigger each other. It’s tough that it has to start with us, yet it’s also pretty cool because it gives me a feeling of something I can do, a way I can give to myself and the relationship.

    The best part is that most of those things I used to nitpick have gone away because we’re not triggering each other as much anymore. Now he picks a restaurant confidently and I tell him what a great idea it is. He tells me a story once and I make sure he feels heard and satisfied. If he tells me about someplace he wants to take me I’ll usually joke and say something like “Ohhhh OK I’ll add that to the ever-growing someday list” with a wink and then he either follows through and says remind me or doesn’t.

    These fears and the panic coming up for you might be an old trauma response rather than true anger about him being late. Not related to anything happening in the here or now. Although I understand how hard it is, keeping yourself opening and expecting the best is the path through this fear. The tunnel ends and suddenly you’re bathed in sunshine again! And you never have to go back into that old dark tunnel.

  365.  #365Lovergirl on February 28, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    @342- Silver-Tounged Siren-

    Yes, it was a first date, so really awkward to peck on the lips in the restaurant and I didn’t like being asked to drive him home. He says his truck is fixed now and he texts me regularly.

    I felt like the “dream” of “walking off into the sunset” was a red flag too. I know I have a tendency to be very leery of men in the beginning though, in general. I’m sure they are all players and full of b.s.

    One of the things I really like about the man that I had the miscarriages with, is that he is NOT a liar. He is sometimes very blunt and almost TOO honest, but I feel safe with him because he IS honest, and I haven’t experienced that with other men. Most of the men I’ve had in my life have turned out to be very dishonest and so trusting is hard for me, usually.

    Anyway, today I am missing him. 🙁 It feels like forever since I have seen or touched him. It’s been a full two weeks (since Valentines Day, which is also when I miscarried). I’ve talked to him almost every day since- he has called or texted or both, but he still feels distant and far away.

    I wouldn’t really expect him to ask me over today, even if everything were perfect between us. It’s snowing and I know he wouldn’t ask me to drive there in this. Still, it’s the 2nd Saturday in a row we haven’t spent together. It makes me feel sad. 🙁

    I have been to his house to do work, but he wasn’t there. He complimented me on the work I did and has called to excitedly talk about his future business plans. There hasn’t been any more discussion about anything outside of work. Still, I feel like him telling me all about his plans shows that he still wants me in his life.

  366.  #366Lovergirl on February 28, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    On the subject of being late- I can testify, as someone who really struggles with being on time, that it is not anything personal. Some of us just have serious time management issues. Me, I always think I can get a lot more done in the amount of time I have, than I actually can. That’s the negative side of positive thinking! :p

    I also had no idea how much it was upsetting the guy I see, until he ended up getting really upset about it. Since then, I have made a really concentrated effort to be on time for him and I’ve done a lot better, not perfect, but much better. For me, it helped that he told me how he felt about it.

  367.  #367lovetodance on February 28, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    oh sirens…..

    i am chuckling chickling nodding with exasperation….

    a sweet man….a poetic soul…we have been messaging….

    it was lovely…

    then getting the sense of how romantic he was feeling towards me…

    inspiring him….as in muse

    okay i can go with that…

    i won’t go into details but i was beginning to feel that suffocating feeling of this is fantasy….we have not met….
    and i said something about

    how the practical muse speaking…what do you think about meeting and seeing if this is friendship or romance….that i have experienced online romance before and it was too much fantasy for me

    oh oh no response….i feel energetically i popped the bubble…

    but gosh….i can get romantic …i can get real romantic
    in real time…
    i used FM’s i feel…
    i just know it was a departure from the dreamy tone that was happening…
    i just am not 100% dreamy…i felt uncomfortable and i feel anything i said …even with wonderful feeling messages was gonna shock him…

    ooooo i’m telling you….whats a siren to do?

  368.  #368lovetodance on February 28, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    ahhh relief….

    i didn’t blow him out of the water…
    he actually sounds mature….

  369.  #369Posie on February 28, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    Big smile LTD, looking forward to hearing if that dreamy romance manifests in real life. I can certainly relate to that experience and it sounds like you handled it very nicely with the way you asked about meeting.

  370.  #370lovetodance on February 28, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    thank you posie….

    i will keep the island updated!
    thanks for the vote of confidence :}

  371.  #371Azure Blu on March 1, 2015 at 4:53 am

    Powerful things are going on
    In YOUR heart….
    I feel inspired
    because you are sharing
    these blossomings
    with us!