Why A Man Does What He Does

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This is in answer to a comment by sifsgoldwig – (here’s the comment->) after a break up, and I thought my comment might help you, too:

I thank you, sifsgoldwig, for your heartfelt story and the great questions it brings up.  I can’t help you specifically to understand this situation – because spending ANY time, energy or heart at all in trying to figure out WHY a man does something is wasteful and useless, and will bring down your self-esteem and get you stuck in your brain, trying to “solve” problems instead of feel your way through things.

The bottom line all comes to ATTRACTION. A man who is “toxic” or immature, or in any way simply incapable of building the “muscle” necessary for being in a close, intimate relationship with a woman CANNOT be “fixed” by WILLING him, requesting him, or trying to “teach” him.

Attraction is a combination of YOUR inner strength, boundaries, and sense of SAFETY with yourself, physical and emotional chemistry which is completely beyond your control, and your ability to be open, vulnerable, in touch with and aware of yourself and your emotions, and the depth and clarity of how you express and share yourself with a man.

Once all that is in play, a relationship evolves and expands through how you both experience moments between you, and depends completely on the capacities of each of you to KEEP evolving, expanding and connecting with each other.

At any time, a man may walk away because he just can’t move forward.  He either can’t, or he doesn’t want to.  And the only way his reasons can be useful to know is how knowing those reasons can improve YOUR ability to evolve, expand, have boundaries and yet be soft and open – for the next, much better man who will show up.That’s why it’s so important to not concern yourself with HIS issues – but only to keep working on your own.

You didn’t “lose him” by telling him how you felt.  There are many, many more things going on here, and I hope my step-by-step processes shine light on those for you and help you go to a new place where everything will be much easier and more fulfilling.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Carmela on November 25, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have been really struggling with not wondering why about my ex of 2 months and I get so angry then I feel closed off. Sometimes I replay the past in my mind and I start to beat myself and him up, and I have to pull myself back from that, but sometimes, I don’t do a good job of that until I just run out of steam and by them I have beaten myself and my ex up quite a bit. I can’t even remember my tools some times I get into such a state in my mind. I know I can’t keep doing this to myself, I think one thing and then he’ll call or do/not do something for our son and I am losing it, spinning out of control in my mind wondering what in the holy hell is he doing now. Then the “whys,” and “if I had only I hads,” all of that sort of thing. What is the best tool to get out of my head the fastest and get my mind back to being focused on myself and not him? I have Modern Siren and I have read the book and heard bits of other programs, I just need one that will help me not go crazy that I can remember really quickly, with out pulling out my notebook. I have tried hugging the door in my office and that seems to help me slow down some and eventually I feel better and I can get back into my feelings, but I need something that can instantly turn around the madness in my mind. I don’t want to lose the ground I have gained in self-esteem and slip back into old habits totally, but I can really, really relate to what sifsgoldwig’s comments were. And I feel scared that I may never be able to break the cycle sometimes. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks and Happy Thanksgiving.

  2.  #2JP on November 25, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    Hi Carmela (& Sifsgoldwig too) – I’ve shared your experience last year (I’m in a lovely relationship now) and I just want to say that Rori is spot on with her Tools, focusing on Feelings and the Present Moment.

    Here’s something that works for me (I make up tools based on Rori’s): Pick up a book, open it. Imagine the text is all your figuring out about HIM, your thoughts. Now close it. Close this CHAPTER firmly. You’re not throwing away the book, just closing the chapter.

    Now, imagine you are a bottle (a beautiful, curved bottle) of soda, and the bubbles are your FEELINGS. This isn’t a visual thing, it’s very physical – feel the bubbles of your feelings fizz up through your body, let them fizz through you and out of the neck of the bottle, floating off. Every bubble is a feeling – notice them.

    Breathe out – you might find yourself crying, or yelling, or even laughing. I like to keep one hand on my belly and get hold of something (like a door or a chair); it helps me feel grounded and empowered.

    Hope this helps! JPx

  3.  #3Daria on November 25, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    Thank you JP, the Soda Bubble tool is beautiful and fun, reallyl original and worked great right away for me!

    Rori, I am having a little trouble with the one man thing. Now that I am attracting lots of men, I am still not attracting one particular one that I had wanted.

    I did the Thank Myself tool today. It felt wonderful at first as I imagined his energy coming toward me, and how I would feel (mostly amused, smug, warm and secure) when he is calling me to see how I’m doing, help me with my business, and generally acting like we are in a relationship and he loves me. I felt amazed that I was actually able to picture this… it felt so warm and comfortable and I really Thank myself!

    However I felt my heart drop and felt really disappointed when at the bottom of the letter you wrote… “if you want a lovely man (not a particular man please…)”. I had just done the exercise with this particular man…and it felt so wonderful and reassuring! It doesn’t feel the same imagining another man, or an imaginary man. I can try to imbibe them with the “home” feeling that I get from this particular man, but it seems forced, faded, not as enjoyable a feeling…


  4.  #4Reshi on November 25, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Daria, I’d say feel free to do the exercise with your particular man in mind–just as long as thinking of him makes you feel good–and then Be Surprised when another man shows up who makes you feel the same way as this guy does, except the NEW man is able to actually DO the job of relationship with you.

    I know I “imprinted” in my youth on a type of guy with a particular physical appearance, and there was a certain guy I thought about all the time, drew pictures of him, tried to create this Ideal Man image complete with required personality traits (a list 2 pages long). Of course this particular guy paid no attention to me and was pretty much useless. But after several years of this, a guy showed up who fit the image perfectly–physically and otherwise.

    Just be careful what you wish for. When I would draw my perfect imaginary man, my fear of my own sexuality made me draw him wearing boxer shorts that said “Nothing Inside” printed on the crotch, and a tag line that said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Penis, No Problem.” I don’t know why I was so drawn to the idea of a man with no penis. Anyone who has been following my story on this blog can see how this idea eventually played out in my life.

  5.  #5JP on November 25, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    Hi Daria – I agree with Reshi, get the good feelings via the man, really feel them and then maybe imagine turning around to see a CROWD of men coming toward you – like the visualisation in, I think, Heart Connection Toolkit (or it might be in Reconnect or the e-book). Glad you like the Soda Bubble Tool!!

    Off to bed now – I’ve been off sick, missed keeping in touch. This blog helps me so much. Even though I’ve moved so far, and feel good inside, I still get scared and need support at times. Thank you everyone! More soon. JPx

  6.  #6alias girl on November 25, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    i am going to take myself on the gondolas. take myself to try new restaurants. i already buy myself flowers. there are actually gondolas not too far from where i live. it’s not italy but so what. i will take myself to italy too. there is no one in my rotation. i am in no imaginary relationships with anyone. no one is offering me what i want. i feel like a snob from other people’s point of view. and just smart from my own point of view. i want someone really loyal and that is really into me and wants to build a life together. i do not want repeat do not want someone who does not recognize my value my fun my commitment my love my wonderfulness my vulnerability. if a man does not recognize that in me when i can see it in him then i do not want him. i feel repulsed by my ex. absolutely repulsed by all of them i know they loved me and so what. none of them could step up. none of them wanted to claim me. some of them wish they could now . too bad too bad too bad. i feel angry. i feel angry. that feels like i want to shake my fists in their faces. it feeels like my blood is hot. i feel superior. yet at the same time inferior. i have NO COMPASSION for anyone right now. the magic bullet of compassion is eluding me. i haate them and yet. each new guy has always been better for me. more fun. kinder. more generous and sexier too. so good. the best has yet to come. i feel so angry. mostly at my most recent ex. i Feell like a three year old who tosses the word hate around bc her feelings are hurt. i don’t want him anyway. i am glad i didn’t get stuck on him. we are in totally different places and i want a guy who cherishes me and is romantic. i feel angry. i feel like fire could come shooting out the top of my head and i find that image really hilarious. i hate my job and i am going to take the fire that is shooting out my head and torch this place once and for all. hahah. i feel vengeful. i wish i didn’t feel vengeful. makes me feel petty and small and out of faith. i need to refocus on positivity. . i love my vengefulness. haha. i love my head of fire. i love my unmet desires for romance. i love my empty dance card. i love my immature ex who acts like he’s nine years old. i love my low self esteem which manifests as inferioirty and superioeriority and superioirty. i love spending the holidays by myself. i love it all. it is all so tasty. at least i get to feel. there are some people who can’t feel at all aand are numb and a horrible place to be. i wish that on my worst enemies ahahh i feel playful. i wish i had a boyfriend who is my boyfriend and my best friend. that idea really scares me. i feel scared my fears will win in life and i’l end up with nothing i came here for. wasted trip. i feel better and more hopeful after having written this. i actually really still like my ex and part of the reason i like him is bc he drive s me crazy and vice versa.

  7.  #7Caj13 on November 25, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    JP – good to see you back. Missed you, too.

  8.  #8Maria on November 26, 2008 at 9:49 am

    I feel so lonely…and angry and stuped…my boyfriend and I were going to spend Wed, Thur, Frid, Sat and Sun. together his idea…then cld me yesterday Tues, and says he’s spending these five days (we both have off work) with his sister, nieces and nephews mom and aunt since he doesn’t really see them that often, I told him I felt dissapointed that I wanted to spend time w/him, he said his brother in law had called him to invite him and made him feel guilty that he doesn’t spend time w/them. So my man says to me spend time w/ your mom take her out enjoy her…uhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrr! so I wished him a happy Thanksgiving he then said, I’ll call you tomorrow before I leave…the nerve…I’m so angry!! I have been doing Rori’s tools, flying away, walking away, the man out the window tool, going down to my well tool too. I am moving out of my moms house next weekend and I can’t wait to be by myself there. I feel scared living by myself but then I like being by myself. It feels good and liberating…I miss him so much…the guys I’ve been dating are not calling me back and yes I have done the tools…what’s going on? I’m feeling so lonely and scared don’t want to be alone, and yet I like to be by myself…hey what’s really going on here? does anybody know? Bless you all!

  9.  #9Jeejee on November 26, 2008 at 11:23 am

    Last night I spent 2 hours crying while he lay with his back to me.This was after he told me I was crazy 10 times and grabbed me by the throat and told me “everything is about you you you I am sick of it always being about you!!!”This was also after I begged him to come back to bed and to fix the argument of the day before.I actually begged this man who grabbed my throat and hurled insults like rice at a wedding.. to come back to bed. What in the hell is wrong with me? I cannot get through , he clearly does not respect me. I say “I will not be called names” and he yells”well stop acting CRAZY then” . I say “I don’t want to be disrespected” and he says”well start respecting me then” I say” I don’t want a relationship that just consists of arguing” He says “well STOP ARGUING THEN!” And around and around we go. I used to be a normal girl..now I feel so bad about myself that I would not have me.I am tired and confused al the time. He promises things and then promptly wipes it from his memory.Talk about crumbs. Before when things were bad I found out he was going on the internet and telling people what a bitch I was and how the relationships was the sh_ts…then flirting and pursuing other people , saying yeah I can’t stand my old lady, we should chat and see where it goes. I am so afraid he will do it again Yet I don’t want to spend my life feeling this way. I try to let go of control,but I am not sure if I have the strength to deal with the consequences of if he does do it again. I am waiting on a program of Rori’s but I think I chose the wrong one. Why would I want a commitment from this guy? Just so tired of it all. I know I am better than this…why doesn’t he..why can’t I just leave………….

  10.  #10Rori Raye on November 26, 2008 at 11:42 am

    JeeJee, welcome, and thank you for your letter. I know you will get lots of help here, and I already hear in your voice the stirring of you wanting to take care of yourself – and I want to fan that flame!

    To kick-start you – you might want to try to find a CODA group near you – it’s a 12-step program for people who are addicted to Toxic relationships (and we all are to some degree). Consider the fact that you feel so stuck in such a destructive relationship right now to be an OPPORTUNITY for you to break out of this old pattern and forge a new life for yourself.

    So – use him and this relationship right now for PRACTICE. Whichever program you’ll have will HELP you – don’t worry about it being the “right” one – just make sure you start with the ebook right this minute – it will give you the basics you can start practicing right now. Once you start practicing the Listening at Level 2, the 4 Rules, and Feeling Messages – your communication with him will start to clear and you’ll start to feel less needy.

    The other part is getting yourself out in the world and building yourself up. We’ll all help you to get a plan together. You have all the hope in the world! Love, Rori

  11.  #11Cassandra on November 26, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    Jee Jee….ike Rori said….welcome. You have TOTALLY come to the RIGHT place! Rori is amazing and is teaching us all sooooo much….although I think that I am most definitely the slowest learner here! I cried when I read your post because I am in a VERY similar situation although my fiance’ or whatever you want to call him has not grabbed me by the throat – he has pushed me and the other night raised his hand to punch me – not slap me but punch me in the face. He stopped himself but like your man hurled some horrible words at me leaving me so broken that on Monday I literally did not want to be here. I can tell you that things WILL get better for you if you follow Rori’s steps and tools. This is a wonderful and safe place to work on you, learn to love YOU FOR YOU and be completely accepted.

    It is so interesting to me that I can read your post and say in my heart ‘run JeeJee run and get as far away from him as you can as he will hurt you more than he already has if you don’t!” but yet I am in such a similar situation and part of me….not all of me and that in itself is a HUGE step forward for me…..still wants him even though he has done such terrible things to hurt me emotionally. Why can’t I seem to do the very thing that I would tell others to do in my situation? Why can’t I simply walk away emotionally. I can’t move until I have a job soI am definitely stuck here until I can move but emotionally why do I still love him and want things to be ok with us?

    Rori….I was so excited to read what you wrote to JeeJee. I am going to get into a CODA group myself as soon as I can. I will try to find one on Monday….or even Friday if they have one anywhere near here! I am excited about this and think that it will really help me alot.
    Love and huge hug to all…..

  12.  #12Caj13 on November 26, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    Go for it Cassandra, and JeeJee! I’m so tickled hearing about those little baby steps made just to get outside, now turning into a strong, confident stride all the way to the doors of those with helping hands. And I’m sure the fog of confusion will be lifting on your path there.

    You’re right Alias Girl – it’s ABUSE in your workplace, and I, too, see it as insanity whose principle cause is the inability to feel or at least accept one’s feelings. But it’s not the kind of craziness that let’s the sick person off the hook – he’s still responsible for his behavior. I think you are perfectly justified not only in rejecting and denouncing it, but I admire you for protecting yourself however you can and refusing to empathize with your torturer or enter into his game. You have my sympathy.

  13.  #13alias girl on November 26, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    thank you caj 13. i burst into tears when i read your post. i guess i felt validated and everyone in that fishbowl is sick and won’t really validate the extreme depth of insanity that is going on there. there is so much denial. anyway thank you. you seem to possess great insight into human behavior and compassion as well.

  14.  #14Becca on November 26, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    I have now read Rori’s ebook several times and continue working through it. I am thinking that next step will be to order one of her programs but I am not sure which to start with. Given my situation (ex broke up with me over 4 months ago and want to attract him back – or maybe a new better man(?)), I am thinking either the heart connection toolkit or modern siren. What do you guys think and which program did you find most useful? Please share you experiences of Rori’s programs with me

    Thanks ladies, love to you all

  15.  #15Becca on November 26, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    Another question… Would Reconnect help me or is this only for people already in a relationship?
    I can’t help wishing that I could rewind the clock 5 months and get this to help me but know that I can’t and am trying to learn with what I have. I am trying to be grateful that I can love myself and friends and family now and that I had this chance to learn so that I do not repeat my mistakes. Thank you all for listening

  16.  #16JP on November 27, 2008 at 4:04 am

    Hi Becca – I have the e-book, Heart Connection, Reconnect and the Interviews Series. I originally got Reconnect when my last relationship was going awol but I listened to it while I was single and being circled.

    Every day there are opportunities to practice in small ways, and the small practices really help when bigger situations develop. I listened to the cds at bedtime on my personal player, and in the car. Reconnect has lots of tools which made me feel good, build my esteem and get out of the extremely anxious state I found myself in. It also helped me at the start of my current relationship.

    My man bolted initially because I was dating other men, but he was back within a fortnight. The feeling messages and speeches helped – I said ‘I feel so sad, I don’t want to stop seeing you’. A few weeks later he got scared (that’s what he said) and asked to be friends. I said ‘I feel upset, I don’t want to be just friends with you’. Short and simple. A month later, he was back and we’ve been together now for eight months. I just watched him coming towards me, no discussion about where we are at etc.

    I let him know what I like and don’t like. It’s SO much easier now that I focus on my OWN feelings and communication, whilst also noticing my patterns and ‘stuff’ and do the inner work on myself. He’s got great at picking up my vibe and asking how I am!

    While I was single I had a great time – and I know I could again, so although I’d be sad if things didn’t work out, I’d be back out there. (Having said that, as we get closer and really get to know and value one another, sometimes my fear factor goes up).

    I liked the Interview Series too, although I often felt more connection with Rori’s approach than her interviewees. I still listen to some of those. Rori – it would feel great to be able to buy the cds individually: any possibility of that?

    Becca, you asked in an earlier post about Law of Attraction – yes, I’ve read on that and practiced. I’ve never embarked on a path that hasn’t led somewhere, never. I find it works when I believe and feel for a situation rather than imagining millions in the bank. Combined with Gratitude and small-step Actions, I find it really works. There’s a snowball effect, like when I started singing: I’d always wanted to sing so I bought myself some lessons and joined a choir. It wasn’t exactly ‘being in a band’ but within a few months I was invited, out of the blue, to do backing vocals on a cd and shortly after sang live with MY OWN BAND in a club, and recorded a cd of my own songs. However I realised I didn’t want to put the energy into music after all, and simply moved off in another direction.

    Caj13 – thanks for the welcome back! 🙂

  17.  #17JP on November 27, 2008 at 5:30 am

    PS reading through the first bit if my last post, I think I may have made it sound like it was easy – in one way, it was (the concept felt so RIGHT) on the other hand I felt totally de-skilled at times, thinking how to word messages, deleting ‘old-style’ words, re-writing, thinking over conversation, on and on …reviewing how I said things etc etc; sometimes anxious and beating myself up if I made a mistake. But this is like learning anything new, it’s a process from unconscious incompetence – conscious incompetence – conscious competence – unconscious competence. The Learning Cycle, and I’m a relationship student.

  18.  #18Melissa on December 1, 2008 at 10:45 am

    I’ve been wondering this stuff a lot – why a man does what he does. I’m still feeling as though I’m driving in this relationship and my man is just sitting in the backseat enjoying the ride. Rori, I’m at my wits end. I feel stuck because he LIVES with me and with my children. Part of me wants to give up and say get the hell out! There are so many things I want for myself. I want a house someday, I want another child, I want to be HAPPY TOGETHER in a relationship. no this ho-hum “hey roomie” type of deal I’ve got going on now. I’m sick of this no affection thing anymore and more and more I notice how things are just dwindling. i’m so frustrated. I want it to work but at the same time I feel as though I’m working so hard and he just sits there. I took a vacation day to help his mother out by taking her to an important doctor visit and tests she needed. He never once thanked me. And lastly, the latest thing is it appears as though I will be spending holidays either on my own going to my family or I have to go with him to his family. It seems as though this is the “expected” thing with his family and its wrong of me to even think he might want to share some time with me on a holiday. I feel so frantic and I’m not even sure if this was the right place to post this. I feel my life wasting away and this is not where I want to be in a relationship. I want the man back that was there when we first started. The man that would do anything for US and WE did things TOGETHER. He adored and cherished me. I don’t know who this man is now that I hate to say – I feel STUCK with most of the time. ugh. I’m trying the tools but the “leaning back” doesn’t seem to affect him. I sit at my laptop most nights doing homework or going to gym classes and i don’t notice a change. I make plans with friends and he’s just fine with it and then he’s asleep when i get home. NOTHING CHANGES.

  19.  #19Carmela on December 1, 2008 at 12:23 pm


    Thank you for the two suggestions you made. I will add them to my journal of exercises and use them daily. I will let you know how they are working for me.

    JeeJee, welcome. I joined one of those 12 step groups Rori suggested to you and it is really helping me a lot.

    Hope everyone had a good holiday.

  20.  #20Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    Oh – so much going on since Thanksgiving! All of you are amazing. Melissa – just wanted to throw in something here that will help everyone:

    You are doing great with the leaning back and having your own Out The Window life.

    Now – you have to work on Feeling Messages, and all the other Tools around this – to TALK with him. There has to be some verbal conversation. You have to start expressing yourself in little ways – you have to start SHARING your life with him, slowly, simply, and WARMLY. As you do this, you’ll see a connection start to happen – if he’s at all ABLE to connect. We’ll talk more about this…Love, Rori

  21.  #21JP on December 2, 2008 at 5:29 am

    Carmela – thank you! Look forward to hearing more from you.

    I’m enjoying all the Christmas lights and sparkle 🙂

  22.  #22Melissa on December 2, 2008 at 5:42 am

    Thank you Rori! I think I need to know just HOW to do this because I don’t think I’m getting it right. I’m going to start listening to your RYR and Modern Siren programs again because maybe it didn’t sink in fully the first time. Each day it seems to get harder and not easier because we just grow more and more apart. Such a devastating feeling!

  23.  #23Carmela on December 3, 2008 at 2:57 pm


    I tried your idea and it really helped alot. I was in my car and I was touching the seat (Rori suggests touching chairs), so I was combining your closing the book and fizzing bottle with feeling the chair and it really worked! I felt such a release of negative feelings and energy. I actually felt relief after that and that was just incredible to me. Thank you for sharing that, I am going to use that when ever I find myself thinking about the ex.

  24.  #24JP on December 3, 2008 at 4:54 pm


    That’s so wonderful to hear! Thank you. It works for me and I also find Rori’s ‘touch’ ideas superb for getting out of my head. My head can get busy making up little movies that include painful feelings.

    It’s so good to have tools that break the old patterns! X 🙂

  25.  #25Elizabeth on May 28, 2009 at 3:14 pm


    I have started listening to the ‘Reconnect Your Relationship’ CDs but am afraid it’s now too late for my own relationship.

    I am 32 and have been with a guy for 5 years (he is 34). From the beginning he was always quite mysterious – he is a very independent character and is wary of getting too close to people and trusting them. But he told me how much he loved me and would do lovely, thoughtful things.

    Over the years though he has gone from closeness and distance. Sometimes he would be loving and at others he would completely shut down. Sometimes he would be very angry and quite nasty and he would say that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He would usually come back and say how sorry he was and how much he loved me and would be affectionate again. This destructive pattern improved a lot over the last 2 years. But it never completely went away.

    Three months ago I brought up the issue of mariage and children as I wanted to know where our relationship was going. I wrote him a letter (even though we have lived together for the last year) – writing it down felt easier than saying it in person. His reaction wasn’t great. He asked if we could talk the next day and then he started disappearing. He came back after 2 days and said my letter had freaked him out and that he did want kids with me but not marriage because he doesn’t believe in it. Shortly afterwards we went on trip away (that he had already booked and payed for). It was a lovely w/e but on the last day he got angry and cold again and after a few days of being back he said he wasn’t sure about anything anymore and needed to be on his own to make the right decision.

    He has not been staying here for about 2 months now – although still in contact – he is staying at a B&B. I am so sad, hurt and confused about what to do. He told me he still loved me. But 2 days ago – over the phone – he said he doesn’t think he wants to be with me anymore. I don’t know what to do now?

    I know he has emotional issues because his dad died in horrible circumstances when he was young and since then he blocks strong feelings out to the point where he feels nothing. He has openly admitted that he ‘can’t deal with emotions’ and when he feels awkward in emotional situations he feels the need to get away and be on his own and he blocks everything out. I don’t want that to mean that we lose what could be a great relationship.

    I still love him. And when we are happy we are very happy – but then he just shuts off and now it looks like he has shut off for good and has left me for good and I am so sad, angry, confused and hurt. And I feel humiliated, weak and powerless.

    I don’t know what to do now? A lot of his belongings are still at my flat. He hasn’t come to collect them and he is not calling me. He was meant to call me back yesterday and didn’t. I feel so disrespected by him (again!).

    I don’t know whether to contact him and ask him to come and collect the rest of his things and say that I’ve had enough? (Even though really it looks like he’s had enough of me?) OR whether I should try talking to him with feeling messages – telling him how sad and hurt I am and how much I miss him and want to talk to him. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t want him or love him anymore.

    What I really want is to work through our communication and intimacy issues and be the best couple we can be. Often people used to say we were really well-suited and it was clear we were right for eachother and loved one another a lot. But the ups and downs and distance over the years might have destoyed everything and it feels like such a waste to walk away without trying to address these problems when I really believe we are suited and love one another a lot.

    He told me a while ago that he is scared he might not meet anyone else that he gets on with as well as me and that from the day he met me (when we were 17) he knew he wanted to be with me. I see those things as mixed messages. But maybe I am kidding myself? The last thing he said over the phone is that he doesn’t think he wants to be with me – but no explanation or honest communication as to why.

    Can anyone give me any advice?
    I feel that if I do nothing and just sit here it’s all ruined for sure – And by sitting here ‘waiting’ with all his stuff in my flat I am more of a victim. But if I try to get in touch AGAIN! (as I have called him twice recently) I am acting like even more of a doormat.

    Any advice very welcome.
    I’m not in a very good place right now.


  26.  #26Rori Raye on May 28, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Dear Elizabeth, Welcome, and thank you for your wonderful comment, and I’m sorry for the pain this is causing you…and I wish I could be encouraging – but this man sounds to me like a train wreck. You know how I feel about being in an exclusive relationship for even a MONTH, much less for 5 years. The fact is, every day past one year that you are exclusively with a man, the odds for getting married go DOWN. It does you NO good. If this man is not ready now, he never will be, and if he can’t even, after tying you up for 5 years, talk this out with you without leaving the house and staying somewhere else – he’s an absolute, total loser. I really don’t even care what a great guy you think he is. He’s not doing the job. At all. PLEASE go Circular Date. Get out, have fun, flirt, meet other men – and give this man, when he calls – the “No Girlfriend” speech. I know this is easy for me to say (hey –I’ve been where you are, but after 2 years, not 5 – so I can only imagine how painful this must be) – but PLEASE consider this option. Love, Rori

  27.  #27KRT on June 7, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Rori…I need help!
    I met a man through mutual friends about a year and a half ago (our best friends are in a relationship). He’s very attractive, professional, intelligent…and they’d warned me that he could be very shy, was still married to his wife even though they’d not lived together or even in the same state for 4 years. I myself was just coming out of a horrible marriage and was not looking to start dating yet. We went out twice as a group with our friends. We had a good time with the group, got to talk only a little. I’m in Georgia. In the midst of this he’d gotten a new job that was taking him to Canada (he’s a pilot). He didn’t ask for my number and that was pretty much it. I would ask about him over the course of the year to see how he was doing. This March, we met as a group again as he’d come back to Georgia. He’d gotten laid off his job due to the economy and is pretty down about it. We did exchange numbers this time. After about a week, I called him (I know! but my friend said I should, since he’s rather passive/shy as I mentioned before). He met me for coffee, we walked around/talked for about 3 hours – amazing connection!!! It took him about a week and a half to call me and ask me out. The convo was pretty much, I want to go out again, when, where, how. That’s it. We go out, wonderful time and a kiss! I leaned back. He’s communicative in person, very considerate, gentlemanly. He also had decided to move to New York with is family as he’d not had any job prospects here in Georgia. He said that he would still come here about once a month and in the meantime is still looking for a job, preferably in GA because he likes it here. HE changed the date he was going to leave to make sure he saw me before he left. We have a third date, wonderful time again and the chemistry is amazing. We slept together, and the sex was off the charts! Problem for me was I felt it was too soon, as I’d wanted to wait a little longer, especially since he was leaving. Well, I texted him the next day to make sure he got up north…and then didn’t hear from him. I got so anxious…I called him after about 5 days. He did call me back (we ended up playing phone tag – he left messages)…he apologized for not calling sooner, said he was kind of having a pity party…I told him that I really liked him, but where was he at with this? He said “Isn’t it obvious, yes! I like you a lot!”…Don’t hear from him for a bout a week after that, then he calls and says he’s coming here. Soon as he arrives, he calls, we make a date. Once again, great time. Rori he’s soooo affectionate – holds my hand, touches my hair, I feel like I have his undivided attention. We have sex again, we talked bout the communication thing, and he said that he’s not good with that, just not a phone person. I said that there’s email, text, whatever. He said that he would do better. He goes back to NY. That was a month ago…In that time, I did email him …used feeling messages, kept it level…but also let him know that I don’t wanna be “the girl he sees when he comes to town” and to get to know each other there has to be communication. I know that about myself. It took him about 2 weeks to respond (guess he doesn’t check email much either)…he didn’t respond to anything I’d said, only he was out of the country for 3 weeks to take care of some family stuff, asked about my children, and he would be back soon. He also called me last week to wish me happy birthday…admittedly I was happy he called, but also a little dry and I think he sensed that. He’s coming back into town this weekend. How should I handle this???
    It’s like, when I’m with him, its amazing, beautiful, like we could even be soul mates. But when I’m not with him, it’s next to nothing in terms of communication. I know he’s going through a lot financially and emotionally with being unemployed, etc. My friends don’t really know how he is with women…they admit that he’s not much of a phone person…in the 30 yrs his best friend has known him he’s never seen him in a serious relationship, other than his wife, which by all accounts was not positive (he didn’t tell me this). I’m a girly-girl…before my marriage 12 years ago, I was used to being pursued…and I’ve noticed the dynamics have changed quite a bit since then. I feel myself wanting to overfunction (and I have a tendency to do this), seemingly to compensate for his shyness…but that doesn’t feel “real” or “right” for me. How can I turn this around?

  28.  #28KRT on June 7, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    by the way…he is officially divorced now too!

  29.  #29Rori Raye on June 8, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    KRT – Welcome – and as you read the posts and comment here – you’ll get the concept of my work. And – to be fairly tough right off the bat here – what happened here is that you just went with this thing, invested yourself, and got all bonded and connected with a man who is IN TRANSITION. I’m not saying this won’t eventually work out – but your ATTENTION to it will only drive him away. What you need is Circular Dating (it’s not about “dating”) – you can get some understanding of it here, and my Targeting Mr. Right program gives you the whole thing, soup-to-nuts. Right now – you’re “all bout him” – and I want you to shift that – NOW – to “all about YOU.” Love, Rori

  30.  #30KRT on June 8, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Thank you for responding Rori…and you are right! I actually have begun some of your tools for circular dating today and had two men approach me! It felt sooo good. This is what I want to know: how do I handle him when I see him again this weekend? I want to make it clear that I like him, but also that I’m not going to have sex with him (the emptiness of no communication is horrible!). How do I take my ATTENTION off it, yet be strong and concise about what I want and soft at the same time?

  31.  #31kathy on May 11, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    my guy and i have been together for a year. We lived together for a few months and i moved to get my own place. He remembers all special occasions and takes me out alot. Says he will not marry me or get engaged, and i choose to believe him. He has often said things of that nature and than gone back on it. So what, i am leaving my options open, even though i love this man i realize that he may or may not give me the desires of my heart. That it is ultimitely up to me to find my own joy. His life is not going to stop for me, So i have decided that i can still love him and spend time with him, but that does not mean if there is a rodeo in town that i will be sitting at home ha ! The fact that this man swears his love for me, but tells me he will never marry me is a cold slap in the face. I see he will have to learn the hard way, because when i am so over his immaturity and moving on to the man. He will just be starting the meaning of abandonment and a broken heart, and i will be in another country by then sipping martinis.