Why Anger Is The Key To Love

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angrywomanIf there’s distance between you, there’s anger.

If you’re being “extra nice…” you’re angry.

If you’re giving more than you’re getting…you’re angry.

There are two parts to this puzzle:

1. Whether or not you can touch your anger and how you feel when you do, and…

2. What you do with what you feel.

Let’s say you can’t figure out why you’re “blue.”

Ask yourself…Where am I angry?

You may be surprised at the question.  You may say to yourself…I’m not angry, I’m sad.

Ask again.

Keep asking until you connect with your anger (I can guarantee you’re feeling it…just don’t try to ask yourself – ‘Why am I feeling it?’)…and then follow through with touching it, looking at it, embracing it, admiring its power, and owning it.

You can ask follow-up questions:

Who am I angry at?

What am I angry at?

How angry am I?

Once you’ve just got in touch with your anger…don’t hold it at arm’s length.  Get close to it.  Study it.  Play with it.  Put your arms around it.  Put your heart around it.  Say…Where have you been all my life?

Once you’re all touchy-feely with your rage, you’re going to notice some other feelings show up and try to muscle in on your new relationship.

You’ll notice guilt creep on over.  And then fear.

That’s because anger is such a powerful feeling  (let’s face it, in the grip of rage, we feel like we want to kill someone.  To push him off a cliff or smash him in two.  Own up to any such impulse.  Pretend you’re an actress and you have to find the power in your anger in order to get your much-deserved Academy Award for your “raw” and “authentic” presence in your own life…) — it’s SO powerful, we’re actually afraid we might DO something like that – kill him and wipe out half the planet doing it.

And you won’t.  I know you won’t.  You’re just too fabulous a woman to bother doing that.

So, now you have to accept, look at, embrace the guilt and the fear, too.

And, if you’re doing this right, you’ll also uncover grief.  It may be so intense you blank out and go numb for a moment…so when you touch it, even for a split-second – give yourself a “high-five.”

Okay…first step accomplished.

Now…what are you going to DO with all that emotion?

Are you going to cut loose and wail at a man?  Are you going to demand he change, now, or buddy,  you’re out the door?

Are you going to go the “spiritual route” and play nice?  Get all understanding and compassionate and neutral and try to have a reasonable discussion?

Or are you going to just stuff it down for another day and go about your business?

Here’s where the art of being you works so brilliantly…

1. If you’re by yourself and in your own home where you can feel all private and safe, that’s terrific. You can jump up and down, you can punch the air with your face, you can lay down on the floor and start breathing into all that anger and grief and guilt and everything else you feel until you get so bored you want to turn on the TV and watch something stupid — or even better one a get out and take a nice walk in the neighborhood and look at and kiss some beautiful trees.

You can pet yourself and hug yourself and make yourself some tea and allow yourself to giggle over all this intensity you’re feeling or allow yourself to cry over everything you’re feeling, and shake a bit —  and then you may feel like doing something like dance around the room…

2. But most likely you’re out in public. You’re sitting across from a man in a restaurant. You’re walking with him from the car. You’re stuck in the car with him. You’re in his house or your house and all of a sudden you feel the intensity of how deeply he is ignoring you, dismissing you, not interested in you, or just plain mean.

Well, you first have to do the first part of this which is to figure out a way, logistically, to feel what you’re feeling — especially your anger.

This usually means you have to get up and go to the ladies room. Or you have to turn around and walk back to the car or you have to stop talking and turn your face away from him while you’re walking. You have to sit at the table with your head in your hands blocking out everything and simply tuning in to what’s going on with you and asking yourself questions that you need to ask.

I prefer the bathroom, but I have learned to just sit there feeling my face turn red and my body want to fight or flee, with my face in my hand, in total silence, and process through these questions and my feelings amazingly quickly.

So I know that you can too.

3. Now, here comes the “action” part. What you DO if you’re out in public or he’s right in front of you in your kitchen.

I’m going to have to write a lot of posts about this because there are so many pieces to this, but let’s start here.

If the first part is about “processing” through your feelings, then the second part is how you express that to him.

And to make things simple here again to give you just two options:

1. You speak the truth in Feeling Messages — you sayI. (If you have not finished processing through the truth might be I feel confused, or I feel uncomfortable, or something else that expresses how you feel in a way that makes you feel like you’ve really expressed yourself  (without, of course, talking about him or making him wrong).

2. If you’ve done this more than a few times with a man, if you’ve had to express the same thing to him over and over (for instance, he’s asked you not to do something so that he can do it for you himself,  only he hasn’t taken the time to do it and you’re finding yourself waiting… or he’s dismissed your feelings and you’ve told him many times how bad you feel when that happens) — then you WALK AWAY.

Simple… you just turn around and go in the other direction.

You go find the ladies room in a public place, or you go home in a taxi or your own car, or you take yourself to a bedroom and close the door. You can say This feels bad and I don’t want to feel this, and then walk away, or you can say I don’t want to do this right now and walk away or you can just say I want to go home and walk away, or you can even just turn and walk into the kitchen and not say anything.

What ever you do — you have to feel this:

You have to feel as though you have HONORED your anger.

This doesn’t mean you have to feel like you hurt him, or a person at work or another circumstance who has hurt you. It doesn’t mean you have to do damage. It doesn’t mean you have to have revenge. It doesn’t mean you have to have some kind of physical or emotional effect on him. It does not mean you have to have a result of any kind.

Honoring your anger feels like you are WHOLE

It feels like you are in one piece. You don’t feel shattered, you don’t feel disconnected from yourself, you don’t feel conflicted — you don’t feel like your anger and your guilt and your grief are all pulling on each other from different directions.

You feel all of a piece. You are you. Whole. Complete. Beautiful. Angry.

Don’t look for a result of the feelings going away. That’s not the point. Feelings are powerful things and they keep moving around all the time. They move through your body.  The more they change, and the more you attend to them with the intention of honoring them and ALLOWING them to move anyway they choose, they will begin to morph into better feeling feelings.

And, as a bonus, when the anger gets felt and expressed — when YOU can do it FIRST — everything will open up in a relationship.  Love comes back from behind the barricades set up by the effort, on both your parts, to make the anger “behave.”

I love your anger. I love all of you. I love all of me. Let’s rock.

Love, Rori

98 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on August 19, 2009 at 11:17 am

    I think I’ve said this before, but getting in touch with my anger changed everything for me. I like this post a lot!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  2.  #2D2 on August 19, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    Thank you for this post!! My anger has been building for the past couple of days now and I’ve started to become very numb around my husband (guess I’m stuffing it way down inside). I know what’s triggering me–it is my gremlins lieing again to me because soon it will be my birthday (tomorrow) and that’s when a year ago I was confronted with the knowledge that he was rejecting me sexually because he rather look at internet porn then be with me. He put off my call while I was out of town on business to “relieve” himself instead of talk to me. It was a big b-day (45) and while I didn’t want to be out of town it sure hurt when I came home and found out he was looking at porn when I called him and he told me he’d have to call me back. Tinque’s out of pocket and I found her through your blog (thank you for that too) so I was unsure of how to handle this triggering. I haven’t handled my anger well in the past year and a couple of times I raged and struck out at him because it had been building and building over a long period of time as this is not the first time I have had to compete with porn for his lust. When I confronted him, I said and did everything totally wrong – the only thing I did right was tell him I wasn’t going to try to make him stop and laid down ground rules (no chat rooms, webcams, hookup sites, sexting, emails, IMs, etc. or I’m gone) for when he does go online. He totally turned it back on me and I’ve contemplated other options of “checking out”, separation or divorce after the fight(s) – yes there were a couple. He must have picked up on this because he said to me out-of-the-blue that he was so lucky he had me and begged me to promise not to leave him. I decided that I really love him and want to grow old with him – so I told him I wouldn’t leave. It’s either I change myself and learn to deal with this better or I move out of his bed and force him out of my life so that he leaves me to prevent me from breaking my vow. I’m saving up to get your “Reconnect Your Relationship” CD program via mail but until then I’ve been reading your blog (and Tinque’s) and getting your emails. Looking forward to the next round on this subject.



  3.  #3Aldonza on August 19, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Hmmm…what if you’re angry with him for walking away?



  4.  #4Symantha on August 19, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    I ven’t read the post yet, but getting out my anger/his anger helps a lot to intimacy.

    Mercedes, Thanks your ‘tool’ on monday, thinking about a hot boy made me feel better and I ended up singing up for Online Dating, jajajjaja!
    In this very moment I feel so sad as re-checking my old meetic account I can feel the dissapointment of my broken engagement. As I stoped and closed my account as soon got the engagement ring on my shoulders… OH the diammond is SO GORGEOUS that I miss it seeing on my finger as I miss him.

    We still together, like boyfriend/girlfriend and I’ve move out from our place and rented my own flat wich is very cute and I feel happy for doing that but I still lost in how to do things and HE is SO INTO ME in every level but he is not ready to set a wedding date thats why I left as the fear of being strung along didn’t allow me to enjoy the relationship anymore, I was like Nancy, not living….. being there but not present.
    Rori helped me out A LOT with anger issues that we both had, I did a lot of work before taking the decisition to leave but what really made me confront the situation was him considering and international assigment in Atlanta (we live in England) so I just felt so boken as my situation looked something like:
    I’m the fiance who was supposed to get married this christmast but now I’ll stay at home in UK waiting for him with no date and IN CHARGE of a household with all the responsabilities of a WIFE, even his car and paying his bills (with his money of course).
    WHAT???
    If he NEEDS a wife to wait for him so… hey ge a wife, otherwise Im better OFF.
    Th epoint was he felt so lost about what to do and when… I mean his own midlife crisis or issues, recently divorce, etc. That he wasn’t ready to actually marry me. He is SO HAPPY being FULLY Commited to me but that was the far he could go for now and always told me: I don’t know when I’d be ready to get marry.
    So, he felt I was UnHappy and imagine the amouts of anger that was building up. Awfull.



  5.  #5Symantha on August 19, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    Now, he tells me that he feels that Im USING him keeping him around until I get OVER him. Ifeel ashamed of doing it and sometimes I feel I punish him for not following trough with the wedding this year.
    The ugly truht!! so
    I still in a relationship with him but I need an speech to tell him Im going to date others until he gets ready ro propose to me again.
    He is in love with me, I can feel it as he is all over me 24/7, calling, coming home, helping me in everything, not seeing anyone else (there’s no time jejeje) we live 15 mins walk from each other.
    Power speech as I don’t want to keep making him feel used and me feeling selfish.
    Symi



  6.  #6Daria on August 19, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Yesterday I told my mom in a very short enthusiastic way that I’m opening an online “store” (e-business). And she said that it is stupid and a waste of time, it will not work.

    I talked to her but she said that’s just what she thinks. It’s stupid and a waste of time.

    I felt so furious. I went outside and was feeling my sad quiet powerless feeling, the one where my head wants to go to the left and down, and my lips are pouty, and i feel sleepy and heavy.

    I asked myself why do i feel frozen, because i realized this is some kinda frozeness… and then i realized i feel furious.

    So i went back inside and said I feel furious! I also tried to give an example of where i supported her, but she said well u can feel how u feel im being honest about what /i think.

    I still felt mad but I also felt GLAD that I said I felt furious. It’s like i felt much better instantly.



  7.  #7Bethany on August 19, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    What about if it’s OLD anger and you’re angry about several things and have been shutting down for a time? Do you address it all at once? I feel like saying, “I was feeling a lot of resistance to driving all that way to see you on Friday, and I realized it’s because I feel angry…I felt angry when we were in Ireland and I felt shocked because you wouldn’t kiss me in bed but you wanted me to go down on you and I felt really pushed. [note: I didn’t do it.}…I felt really disrespected…I feel exhausted from being angry about it and it feels weird to talk about this…I just feel like I don’t want to do so much work. I’d really feel better just meeting you in Yankton for the party instead of driving all the way to Sioux Falls to wait for you to finish playing and then over there…what do you think?”

    But there’s also the anger I feel about the money, and about what he said about my skin being “pasty”…I feel my voice say I’m being childish and I should just get over it and I’m a drama queen for even wanting to address something so small…but I feel mad…this all feels muddled to me. To me and my pattern, anger = yelling and people exploding and relationships being damaged because of watching my parents fight. I feel guilty for wanting to say anything…I feel TERRIFIED and PARALYZED to say anything…I feel myself getting triggered now…just did some EFT, and I remembered whenever I got angry as a teenager, my dad would take it really personally and make me put my nose against the wall, and he even did that at one of my birthday parties, and I felt so ashamed…I guess just another powerless theme feeder, and also fits in with my intense avoidance of disapproval and feeling guilty for feeling angry. When I think about expressing my anger, I DO feel guilt and anger rush in. I love my guilt. I love my fear. I love my anger. I want to feel big enough to let my guilt just be there. I feel it rattling around in my belly like marbles on a concrete floor, I want to scoop all the marbles up and back into their glass container and just let them sit there in the jar on the floor, except they’re all in there jumping around like Mexican jumping beans and that feels uncomfortable so I want to tip the jar over and just let them spray out and fly everywhere and now my throat feels tight and like a mild burning in the back of it and I love my tight throat, it’s okay to be tight and now I feel adrenaline rushing over my ribs, and I feel my shoulders tensing up and I want them to relax but they just tighten back up…I love my tight shoulders, I love my tight forehead, I feel tense and weird, and awkward, and disconnected, and shut down, and numb…



  8.  #8Bethany on August 19, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Taking HIM out of the equation, I would say: “I feel conflicted because I know it’s going to feel really fun to see you, but I’ve been feeling resistance to driving out to Sioux Falls because I feel angry…in Ireland I felt angry and disconnected…I don’t want to feel patronized…I don’t want to feel that my appearance is an okay thing to make fun of, because that feels bad…I don’t want to feel neglected in bed…all this makes me feel angry and disconnected, and exhausted…I feel exhausted because I’ve been sitting on my anger…and I would feel a lot less exhausted if I met you in Yankton instead of driving all the way to Sioux Falls to wait for you…”

    Any thoughts anyone??!!!



  9.  #9Bethany on August 19, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Whoa, well, I just delivered aforementioned speech…on the phone…I felt really giddy and nervous on the phone and then we were wrapping up the call and I felt really stuttery and I couldn’t find my rock so I grabbed a bottle of nail polish and said, one line at a time, what I wrote above…I felt myself stumbling over the words but I’m not going to beat myself up over that…and he apologized, which wasn’t the goal, but he understood me, and said he doesn’t like to feel patronized either. But he didn’t get angry…I was expecting him to for some reason. I feel relieved to have said what I said, and even though I still feel flushed, I feel good having expressed myself. He said thank you for telling me and I said thank you for listening…how do you wrap up an anger speech???? I don’t know, I feel…shakey? AND my guy friend said he wanted to come over and hang out and I said “I don’t want to tonight…I want to get some writing done…” and he said “oh, no problem…” But talking to Christopher I felt MOUSY and even though I had it written out and I was gripping that bottle of nail polish so tightly that it started to feel hot in my hand, I was stuttery and unsure, and ugh….okay, not going to beat myself up, maybe this is a good baby step? Next time maybe I’ll be able to remember the points of this post (and I wrote them down on a notecard which I’m going to take everywhere). I love myself for trying. I love myself for expressing myself even when it doesn’t go perfectly. I feel brave for diving into this stuff. I feel like I want to grow and get bigger more than I want to succumb to my fear. I still love my nasty voice, even though it tries to trip me up, it means well. So two extra cookies for you, nasty voice. It’s all okay and I’m glad and happy and pleased to take you along with me. I feel kind of loopy and giddy. I feel like taking a bath.



  10.  #10Bethany on August 19, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    Daria: yay for you! And double yay for expressing yourself in the moment! I like it.



  11.  #11Ellen on August 19, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    For some reason, I just don’t think men hear these feeling words the way we think they will or should. It sounds like woman whining to me. I should know…I struggle with this. I tried recently telling my BF (who I know I shouldn’t be exclusive with) that I felt irritated about him commenting to me on the attractiveness of other women all the time. Here’s what I hoped: I would say I felt irritated about it and turned off, that it has been going on a very long time and I’m so irritated because I’ve never said anything about it until now. Then he would say (yeah, right!), “It bothers you when I comment on other women? I didn’t realize that I was even doing it very much. I apologize. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I’ll refrain from doing that in the future.” What a joke. His response was along the lines of, “It’s normal!” and then proceeded to try and deflect the conversation into 100 other directions until we were arguing about everything that bothered us over the last year! I kept trying to stick to the one subject at hand, but because he didn’t want to hear it or take ownership, he wanted to move the target to me and my faults. I am actually pissed and furious. I don’t think these men deserve these carefully thought out feeling messages. Screw them. Here’s what I should have said, “I don’t feel like talking to you right now. When you comment on other women, it pisses me off and I think you’re a classless boor who is beneath me. You think about it and get back to me if you have anything to say.” Click. THAT would’ve been SO much better. I tried, Rori. And it degenerated into an angry argument and pissing match. I think men are cowards and I don’t think I can try this feeling message thing with them. It doesn’t work. Too many words and it’s not in “man speak.” *sigh*



  12.  #12Ellen on August 19, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    In rereading my post, I can see I’m still upset and very, very angry and frustrated. I just don’t know how to communicate this stuff. He derailed my very first attempt – and it’s not easy communicating things that aren’t light and happy. What could I have done differently? This was a phone conversation…



  13.  #13Erin on August 19, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Ah anger….what a beautiful thing that I feel intensely scared of most all the time. I usually feel it and run the other way…what? I can’t be angry!!! He might not like that…he might think I am coming unglued and God forbid that! HA HA….

    I love this post. My favorite was when I was doing it. I actually went past the guilt and the fear and went straight to the grief. My hubby is deployed again (he just got back) and well…I gotta tell ya girls…I am just plain pissed off about it. I am angry that this time it is closer and we feel more distant than we ever did when he was overseas. I feel frustrated that I am having such a hard time with it and I haven’t got a “handle” on it yet. I feel overwhelmed sometimes at home. I even feel a bit guilty that I am doing okay. I feel angry that he has hinted that I need to “stay busy” even though I have been on my own before I met him and I know how to keep busy. Oh…I could go on and on forever.

    I have been working on releasing a lot of these emotions. I know I have let some go since I am moving straight to grief and that isn’t usually my “cover”. I actually had a breakdown on the phone the other day with him too. I have done this twice. I tried to just run from it and being the great hubby that he is…he said “ah…no that isn’t how we work” and then we hashed it out…actually, was a pretty calm discussion. I told him “I feel like I don’t have a role” All the while, I kept thinking that I wasn’t telling him everything I wanted to or the underlying truth but I couldn’t quite grasp it myself. It was odd. I am still trying.

    I just did the exercise from Rori’s blog and what I got down to with all the follow up questions was pretty amazing…I am sharing even though this is pretty personal…..Here was the result of my exercise….

    “I feel angry that..i don’t really have a role…that I showed my weak side…that he is dong whatever whenever and probably and I feel like he is happy doing it…I feel angry that he doesn’t need me…..and if he doesn’t need me then what am I good for in this relationship….I am scared that I will have to be me….that is all I am good for and what if that isn’t good enough….”

    That all just came running out of me. I didn’t see the last part coming. I can’t ever do the exercises in my head…I get too lost. I love to write them down because when I type I seem to just let my heart and soul take over.

    Anyway, I appreciated this exercise so much and feel a bit better. Still don’t know what to do besides feel it all and release as much as I can.



  14.  #14Bethany on August 19, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Symantha: I’m trying to refrain from giving advice, but I noticed you said you don’t want to make him feel used…that sounds like you’re feeling guilty, am I wrong? And you can’t “make” him feel anything–that’s all his stuff.

    Ellen: what will you say to him next time you speak?



  15.  #15Erin on August 19, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    Miss Bethany!
    Congrats girl…You took a big step and have NO reason to beat yourself up. I am learning that its okay to stumble over your words…(I had a hard time with it before) but it means you are authentic…and they love that! Big hugs!



  16.  #16Erin on August 19, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Ellen,
    What exactly did you say to him? In your post, it seemed like you were just saying what you “hoped” you would say. May help us give you some feedback. 🙂
    Hang in there girl…it gets frustrating learning this but it does get easier and the important thing…it does work!!!
    I am a believer!
    Erin



  17.  #17Daria on August 19, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    Ellen!

    This sounds great to me!!

    I don’t feel like talking to you right now. When you comment on other women, it pisses me off and I think you’re a classless boor who is beneath me. You think about it and get back to me if you have anything to say. CLICK.

    ok… or close to it! I can feel the power of it…

    what about:

    I feel furious!!! When I hear you comment on other women, it pisses me off and I feel judgemental of you. I don’t feel like talking to you right now. CLICK.

    aaah… i feel so good doing the CLICK sometimes…



  18.  #18Daria on August 19, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    Ellen – just reread what I wrote and I FELT a little glitch, tht is in the it pisses me off… it actually doesn’t piss you off… you FEEl pist off… the idea is to express your feelings without assigning ANY KIND OF SOURCE TO THEM THAT IS OUTSIDE YOURSELF… that is why generally we avoid you unless to pinpoint when we felt the feeling:

    so how about

    I feel furious!!! When I hear you comment on other women, I FEEL pissed off and I feel judgemental of you. I don’t feel like talking to you right now. CLICK.

    ah… i feel excited just thinking about delivering this speech, it feels really authentic to me, because I also used to date a guy who commented on other women…

    ugh… i felt so furious!!



  19.  #19Daria on August 19, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    I feel furious at injustice in the world! I feel furious of misunderstanding and feeling misunderstood and powerless and judged!! UGH

    ?I feel so much of that when I read random comments on political blog posts!!!

    I feel so powerless… i think that there is no way I could ever change peoples minds because they are so into their own perceptions and beliefs…

    GRRRRRRRRRR… I feel like pushing them all away like a huge energy wave throwing them off into the universe.

    oh by the way I just remembered Rori’s Vampire Scream tool… this tool works AMAZ?INGL?Y?!!! for me



  20.  #20Daria on August 20, 2009 at 12:17 am

    What does it mean if when I was young I wanted to be a female ninja turtle named Linda?

    I feel sad thinking this means im only masculine… i don’t think so

    what FEMININE archetype resonates with this?

    are female warriors feminine…? i guess i am if i want to be.. and I DO…

    but boys will like more Feminine non-fighting girls says NV … sigh… I thought I tapped on this… more to go



  21.  #21Tracy on August 20, 2009 at 2:46 am

    I was feeling really Anxious yesterday and i used EFT to try and clear my anxiety and memories of my very first relationship came up and when i tried remembering how it felt i noticed how i had similar feelings with my current one and how i carried on the same fears to my present situation….I had my first boyfriend when i was 10 and he really liked me but i did not feel the same way about him and instead felt that he was too quiet for me…instead i was attracted to his brother with whom i felt we had a better chemistry…he didn’t feel the same way and worse still he was in a relationship with someone else and later on he became my sister’s boyfriend(by then I’d broken up with his brother)
    I feel that subconsciously i concluded that the men who liked me were wrong for me and instead those who didn’t were the ones i had to struggle to get….my current situation is exactly the same and i feel that what i am really attracted to is the challenge of wanting to change the man to fall in love with me and satisfy that neglect and disappointment i felt the first time….
    I feel glad i am learning so much of how my past affects my presents and i am uncovering one limiting belief after another…it feels great…
    One feeling i have suppressed is my anger…I feel that i am scared of being angry…
    I really like this post i just need to source for my anger…i feel that its hidden behind the disappointment and sadness that i feel…it would feel great to really process through my anger and acknowledge it and speak out when i need to…i feel that most of the time i stuff it in and instead become nice and hope that wait for things to change..



  22.  #22Tracy on August 20, 2009 at 3:11 am

    Ellen,
    Acknowledging feelings is always a good place to begin..I can identify with speaking feeling messages to a man who does not acknowledge them…What i try to do is speak my feelings with no agenda…i just state how i feel and i process through that….if i must i leave or walk away…
    Mercedes once mentioned something that i agree with…”my feelings are not up for debate”…so for me i state how i feel and wait for his reaction then i express how i feel about it…The satisfaction comes from speaking my truth and being authentic….I have made a mantra that my happiness is my own responsibility so i do what makes me feel good….all the time and i focus on that…



  23.  #23Daria on August 20, 2009 at 5:14 am

    i feel happy i expressed my guilt and upsetness to one man who had moved to indiana about a month ago and i only heard from him a few days after… i had thought he moved on…

    but now he contacted me and said he missed me and wants me to visit in indiana…

    i said i felt guilty because he had told em in the past women treated him as a friend and that im nto ready to be exclusive unless its something getting towards marriage… and he told me not to worry and just stay focused on ME and made me Promise to stay focused and that i don’t have to be guilty just to do what i want…

    i said i feel uncomfortable because in the past i hurt people and i dont want to hurt him and i feel worried… he totally calmed me and was so sweet…

    then i said i felt upset and ignored that i hadnt heard from him and he said he had been really busy with his daughter and just got custody and has been working… i said i hear u and at the same time theres always a way to message me online and i still feel upset… he said thats true there is no excuse and he’s sorry … he wants me to come visit in indiana when i get back…

    also this other man that is attractive, he kinda sort of messaged me everynow and then online, but since I have totally leaned back and stuff apparently he is jsut messaging me more and more… i would tell him i miss him and he would say … yeah right almost every time i said something nice and then last time i said… i feel brushed off… i noticed everytime i say something nice its kinda dismissed… whatsup with that? he said no hes not brushing me off he just doesnt believe me… i said i dont have to lie to you… well now hes just messaging me every time he gets online and having long conversations… and saying he is gona “get it right” as far as making me feel good because i was feeling upset at some of his comments… and he missed me and .. he wants to spend his birthday with me which will be a few days after i go back, and that we will go to the pier after dinner! he said all this himself and it was so fun talking to him he really makes me feel attracted yay!

    the one other online guy now has “baby mom is and has always been my wifey” thta feels a little bad.. but at the same time he messaged me last time lol and said when are we going to kick it and told me his birthday, i said ill be back after that and he said aww… lol… i feel a little almost of that strange teary eyed and guilty and also giddy good

    yay

    im feeling good
    all these men are attractive, the first one i was starting to not feel attracted because i feel guilty that he always says he likes me so much, he’s like God I miss you so much I don’t know why… and ?i would feel guilty because we were close and i didnt want to be exclusive, but yeah i feel much much much much better after bringing up the guilt and was even sharing about my past events and what triggered me and i felt sweaty palmed about it … it really helped me feel good about him again

    yay for attractive men



  24.  #24Daria on August 20, 2009 at 5:18 am

    rereading my post i want to reiterate that the guy who messaged me from indiana REALLY repeatedly addressed my feelings of feeling upset for him not contacting me… i did not just say ok, i kept saying i felt upset when i did and he just kept saying stuff that made me feel better in a deep way, not a joky avoiding way… i now feel a little triggered thinkng that i remember he was online messaging another girl before he left, it was very sporadic, but i actually checked her page, which is leaning forward, and saw it, in a way it helped me get perspective nto to feel T?OO guilty for not being exclusive

    being deep in my feelings and honest has really sunk in for me after watching this PUA video wher he basically teaches men to do the same thing (after they initially create attraction with high energy, he says to bring the energy deep by talking about deep honest feelings right away)… i really got a sense of how that works to create a “deep connection” and i got how it can also feel good to just be authentic and open and deep and let people know whats going on in my life right then on an emotional level even with a man i just met, in fact with anyone… it feels very magnetic and reassuring



  25.  #25Daria on August 20, 2009 at 5:27 am

    These are the videos… I really recommend the first part of video 2 (althought the second part of video 1 is def interstig too)

    the first part of video is where it clicked for me about creating a deep connection by being deep in our feelings…

    http://www.artofattraction.com/blog/instant-intimacy/connection-killers-the-10-biggest-mistakes-men-make.html



  26.  #26Linda G on August 20, 2009 at 6:20 am

    I am so angry right now about eveything i don’t even have the patience to finish this article!



  27.  #27DocK on August 20, 2009 at 6:53 am

    Ellen: I wrote about my experience with your situation before (man looking/commenting) but can’t find where that post is so I’ll have to restate it again (apologies to those that heard it before).

    I was very young and didn’t have Rori’s tools but think I did a good job with expressing myself.

    I was poor but did my best to look nice when I was with my guy. I mean, I still turned heads even without nice clothes and an expensive hair stylist. My guy didn’t just take a glance at other women and make a general comment, he constantly looked and made comments and I felt uncomfortable.

    I did talk to him about it and said it made me feel uncomfortable and he continued so I said something like this:

    I feel uncomfortable and a bit insecure when I am with you and you make comments about other women. I don’t have the money they have for clothes and to go to expensive beauty shops but I always try to look nice when I am with you. I said before that this bothers me but it has continued. I realize that some women are not bothered by this commenting but I am. I don’t want to change who you are but I am not going to change how I feel about it. I guess you will be more comfortable with someone that is OK with it.

    I broke up with him.

    In my case, he came back in a couple of weeks with a letter apologizing and explaining how much I meant to him and so on and we were together for 8 years. He didn’t do the commenting anymore.

    It is “normal” to look. Being involved in fitness all these years, I am VERY visual and appreciate a great male body. BUT there is a big difference between taking a glance at someone when you are with him/her and going into a trance-like state or making overt comments. It’s interesting because I have never encountered a man that is a “good sport” about this looking and commenting when the shoe is on the other foot. Even so, I don’t advise trying this to “turn the tables.”

    Maybe today I would tweak the above a bit to say:

    I feel really icky when I hear comments about other women when I’m with “a” guy I’m crazy about. Maybe some women are OK with it but I’m not and I don’t want to hear it anymore. What do you think?



  28.  #28DocK on August 20, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Daria – of course, we know how great e-business can be but it is so hard when we feel unsupported by a family member.

    Whenever I have an idea that others scoff at I silently think to myself “pet rock.” I mean, can you imagine the person that invented pet rocks telling people about this idea? He became a millionaire.



  29.  #29Mercedes on August 20, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Samantha: You’re welcome! I love using my imagination to visualize a good feeling. I’m glad it works for you too…

    Tracy: I’m flattered that you remember me saying that. I do feel that way though. I’ll debate almost anything with anyone (I love a good debate) but my feelings…nope…those are mine and I won’t argue about them.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 9:45 am

    D2 – welcome and so glad this was helpful. You are going in the right direction…we’ll talk more as you go through this process and strengthen your devotion to yourself, warm up your communication and start opening to your own feelings (and sharing them)…love to you, Rori



  31.  #31Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 10:04 am

    Daria – NOBODY will understand what you’re doing except someone who’s doing it. The first year and 1/2 I was doing this…I had ZERO support from ANYONE because they didn’t know what I was even talking about. So – forget your family on this and stick with others who are in ‘business mode.” Love, Rori



  32.  #32Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 10:07 am

    Bethany – totally great baby-step ( I think that was a handful of baby steps one right after the other)…good for you! Love, Rori



  33.  #33Rori Raye on August 20, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Ellen…the Feeling Messages are not for HIM. They’re for YOU. And until you start doing them correctly, step-by-step..you aren’t going to get the kind of “results” you’re mapping out. Results have nothing to do with this – they’re just a bonus. The point is for you to stop controlling everything and simply express yourself. There should be NO arguments this way. The anger you feel is so intense because you’re angry with YOURSELF for holding it in so long. Look – there’s a whole lot to this, philosophically, psychologically, spiritually – and we’re trying to do it FAST with these Tools. Correctly looks like …I feel (or felt) irritated and turned off and angry and I don’t like feeling that way when this happens…..

    And – I’m going to say this, too – him telling you out loud that another woman is “cute” or sexy is an opportunity for you to get closer to him. Your immediate reaction says more about your confidence than it does about him…go to Tinques blog SexandHeart.com for specific help with this…and we’ll work on the communication part for you. Just keep remembering -it’s about you, not him…Love, Rori



  34.  #34LJ on August 20, 2009 at 10:33 am

    Hi Rori and ladies, I left some comments in other posts regarding part of my situation. In a nutshell, I’ve been with a man for 4 years I love him and care for him deeply. For a while, I’ve been feeling disconnected from him, and feeling insecure and confused. We’ve had our issues that have aided in this, but what really hurt me was back in December of last year. We had a lil spat, or so I thought. We were at a party together, that i bought the tickets for, and I was basically ignored by him and he left w/o saying goodbye. When I left the party, i was angry and did leave a smart-alic voice mail, then later sent him a text apologizing for my tone on the message and said I felt hurt. He didn’t contact me, and we didn’t really communicate for 3 weeks. I was heartbroken and didn’t know what to think. My mind wandered like crazy. What was this all about?, Why is he doing this? How could he be so cruel? After all, I have a right to get upset if something is bothering me?..I asked myself all of this…I couldn’t understand. I was so confused and hurt and wanted answers. I wrote him a letter. After about another week, he contacted me. We met to talk. However, when we talked, it was him really doing the talking…when I was talking, he kept looking at his phone..and we kept getting interrupted..i got to say some things i needed but not all…and still at the end we wound up decided we would move forward w/ each other.

    Since then (December)..I’ve had these feelings, unresolved and underlying inside me from being so devastated by what he did, and never addressing them. I think i was so afraid of loosing him or bringing something up in fear that he would just disappear for weeks w/o notice. My biggest fear was that he was w/ someone else and lying. I wanted to believe so bad that he wasn’t so when I asked him if he met someone else..he said no..and said he hasn’t “messed around” w/ anyone since he met me. I accepted that.

    Since then, we’ve been together, but I haven’t really been happy. It seems like one minute I’m connected with him when we are having fun, and also when we have sex, and it seems like the next minute I feel disconnected, and he’s not calling or asking me to do anything. Actually as I look back, I’ve been doing the pursuing, planning, etc.

    As I stated in some other posts, these feelings have been persisting inside me, to the point that when i’m around him, i almost sometimes felt like I had to pretend to put on this face that everything was okay. I had been pushing down my feelings, and though I knew I had to address it was always afraid. I think, I have been afraid of getting that same reaction out of him as before. That he would just leave. Also, Many times when I would bring up relationship issues, he seemed to get aggressive in his tone and angry and where I just wanted to have a real conversation it would wind up turning into a big mess. As I stated in my earlier posts, I finally got the nerve to address him, and per your advice, I tried setting up an appointment, and i used feeling messages stating I felt confused, and disconnected,and it made me feel bad, and that talking to him about what been bothering me would make me feel good. He said he would get back to me about talking that Friday. (this was Wed)..and HE NEVER DID!….

    ..This made me feel so hurt and angry. I know I explained some of this to you and both you and Fernando gave me the advice of circular dating and thank you very much! The prob is I’ve been so attached to this man and love him and it’s sooo hard to let go.
    I since he ignored my feelings..I felt I had to say something..and I want to tell you what happened…this is what happened…
    …as I said , he never got back to me (except) a text about going out of town, I’m assuming to throw me off.
    So I just left him alone. It got to be too much for me so I approached him yesterday. I sat across from him and leaned back physically. I tried to hold back anger a bit,
    but I just called him out on his b.S. and told him that him not getting back to me was b.S., and it made me feel like he doesn’t care. He tried making excuses. For one of the first times in a while, I called him out on his b.s. ..I didn’t want to focus, so said it doesn’t m,atter any more. I just wanna know, are u willing to here what I have to say or not? He asked me what I am so wound up about. Then Rori, everything just started coming out. There was so much inside me, I started letting it off of me, and some of it in feeling messages, and some of it in a frustrated, probably angry tone. I said I didn’t know what we were anymore, that it feels like we want different things. I told him that I wanted a relationship w/him and I felt like he wanted something different. I was angry and said, a “relationship” is not us getting together twice a month, having fun and having sex, ..and it’s not a relationship when I’m doing all the calling, and making plans….I asked him what it is he wanted…and said that if we want different things..then that’s fine..then it won’t work……we went on for a lil while, and some deeper issues, brought up…
    ..Rori, basically, we were, or I’ve always though in an exclusive relationship, and I’ve always felt for a while that exclusive to him is different than what it means to be)…I have been feeling this for a while Rori…
    so even though this issue has been addressed before, with us, I feel like he always scooted around it and never gave me a clear answer,..so basically rori..i realize I’ve been binding myself in exclusivity, whereas, i don’t know if he was and I haven’t been secure about it…..and as i had been stuffing this down for so long..everytime he would make some sexual comment about another women, and be really checking someone out, i would get angry…but again..stuffed it down)..

    …In this conversation(argument), i brought up about exclusivity and told him what it meant to me…that 2 people are inimately involved,sexually, nd not dating others, and they don’t have do anything initmate with others, kissing, etc…and that I wasn’t clear if it had been the same for him…i din’t want to feel like i wanted one thing and him another…he said that he had told me before and didn’t know how to be anyomure clear..that he had not been intimate with anyone since me….
    so I said…well, what about dating? and he really scooted around it…..he also said earlier that I was too worried about titles…and I said that wasn’t the case…

    Rori..i just wanted to know where we stood, where we have stood..if I had been living in an imaginary relationship, thinking and hoping this guy was with me exclusively, when all along it wasn’t….

    …Towards the end of our conversation…when he scooooted around again about the exclusivity, I got angry, the frustration came out in me..I said, look if u want to pick up chiks, pursue other women, date other women, and act like some player, i don’t want that, and you can just say Bye! to me! (i did say this with real anger)…then he just looked at me and meanly said..”Bye!”…and I said Fine..got up turned around and left….so that was it….so to me..that looks like we are done….I still can’t believe he said that in such a dismissal way…it really hurts…

    I don’t know if I did the right thing by going and approaching him…but I do feel that I got some bottled up anger off of me…I’ve been beating up myself as bit b/c I intended on having an adult, real mature conversation w/ him..which I thought it could’ve been..but it’s hard to hold back built up anger, especially when you are being triggered, by him denying things are scooting around the issues….
    I feel proud of myself in one aspect, but ashamed in other….. I just needed to share all this…sorry it was soooo darn long…i



  35.  #35alias girl on August 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    dock— pet rock. hahhahahahahhaaaaaaahhaaahahahaaa. i feel uplifted and overjoyed!!!! hahaha. PET ROCK!!!. hahahahahaha. 🙂 thank you.



  36.  #36alias girl on August 20, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    i always say “i feel jealous” when i feel jealous.

    i don’t care what people think. that’s how i feel. actually i like feeling jealous about other girls. weird i know. but it helps me feel desire for my man again. like hey wait… i really DO like you lots.

    uh but not all the time. if i felt jealous all the time i would not stick around. or if i felt my man was actually going to go BE with these other women. well actually i don’t know how much i care about that either honestly.

    but i like feeling jealous when i feel like i am number one (#1!!!!!) with that man and the jealousy feels more like a game. if i felt like number two or number five with the guy then i probably wouldn’t even feel jealous. i would feel ANNOYED that he was trying to make me jealous and I would feel like MOVING AWAY from him. but that’s just me and i am wired in my own special way.



  37.  #37Terrance Thames on August 20, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    LJ- Thanks for telling your story. I felt a lot of emotion in it and hopefully I can provide you a little incite from a male point of view. Some of this might be under the tough love department, but take my words with love. Part of how you have explained your story and your reactions sounds a lot like the girl I am dating. First let me point out that I feel you absolutely did the right thing by approaching him. That laid a solid foundation for you to start learning how to release how you feel to him. You were being fair to him to let him know. You are not there to be bullied (he sounds like an emotional bully one but might be jumping the gun) around and he now knows that as long as you stick to your boundaries. Great job! From here I will give you my take on your story. I feel like this was a mismatch of investments into the relationship.

    “When I left the party, i was angry and did leave a smart-alic voice mail, then later sent him a text apologizing for my tone on the message and said I felt hurt.”

    Personally I have a ton of experience with my girl doing this and it has been very difficult for her to let go of this defensive mechanism. I say that only because thats what she has identified it as. She would do that because she didn’t want to rock the boat and she was afraid of losing me. This had an effect on my respect for her as a strong woman. I’m not saying this is why you did it, but thats how I took it. To a bully guy this is like waiving the white flag and giving him the green light to walk all over you. This actually gave me way more control because I knew that I could walk away much easier than she could.

    This is another instance of this in a different form:

    “I wrote him a letter. After about another week, he contacted me. We met to talk. However, when we talked, it was him really doing the talking…when I was talking, he kept looking at his phone..and we kept getting interrupted..i got to say some things i needed but not all…and still at the end we wound up decided we would move forward w/ each other.”

    “He asked me what I am so wound up about”

    I am sooo guilty of saying this line! The reason why i said it was that I had no idea why she was wound up about because she always bottled everything up and didn’t tell me and then out of the blue she would have these explosions about something really small. Again I don’t know what was going on in his head but maybe this answers some questions

    “but I just called him out on his b.S. and told him that him not getting back to me was b.S., and it made me feel like he doesn’t care. He tried making excuses. For one of the first times in a while, I called him out on his b.s”

    I love this and this is what I crave from my woman. I feel like this should happening as long as you want your man to show up. If not, he has an excuse to not show up. I have an intuition that if he would have been called on his B.S as much as you felt it, he either wouldn’t be feeding you B.S as much or at all anymore, or you might have left a long time ago due to transparent lack of respect.

    “then he just looked at me and meanly said..”Bye!”…and I said Fine..got up turned around and left….so that was it….so to me..that looks like we are done….I still can’t believe he said that in such a dismissal way…it really hurts…”

    I am so sorry this he did this to you. You deserve much better than this. Again I’m not in his head, but it sounds like he said it this fashion because either he really doesn’t think you would really leave him (most likely in my opinion) and you will eventually apologize and give him back his power, or he was really hurt at your anger and closed himself off to you and needed to cool down. Either way if you cave and reach out to him, you give him more control over you. Again some of this may have sounded like tough love but I hope you got value out of it. Good luck! I know you can get though this



  38.  #38Linda G on August 20, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Terence, I like your take on LJ’s story. I have been that girl, and now more than ever I see why it just went nowhere, how I gave in even after I objected, I was so afraid of losing him. But, this made me lose him.



  39.  #39Ann on August 20, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    I haven’t read the comments yet don’t know if I’ll be able to today or not. My daughter shared a nasty bug with me. Wanted to say I’ve learned anger is my friend when I allow it to help me.



  40.  #40Linda on August 20, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    I need help with this anger thing. I grew up with a mother who flew off the handle and screamed and yelled when she was angry. I avoid it. I have seen it as irresponsible and unintelligent to be act angry. My house growing up was filled with nonverbal rage. Slamming, walking away heavy footed etc.

    I guess I have not embraced anger but try to reason or stuff it. Maybe that is not all bad but acting like what I saw modeled for me as a kid I see as really bad. All manipulative.

    l like the questions that are posed here. I feel blue, why? go deeper, what are angry at? Discovering it and embracing it would make me feel whole and like I was standing up for myself I think! Yeah it would.

    Today, I had a plethera of emotions. It has been building. I felt sad, blue, mad,… discouraged, foolish, weak willed, lost, disreguarded, unimportant, hurt, tearful, shakey, and numb…. all over the same thing with the same issue. With all that flying around inside me how do I get to the bottom of it all….?

    Soul searching?…The man I care for, whom I have told specifically how important communication is to me, blew me off today again. I had a bad morning, and a worse evening the night before… I really just wanted to talk to him and I called and left him a message telling him so and asked for him to call me. Instead I got a text message saying… He was headed out to work, was covered up today, sorry I was having a bad day and the I should count my blessings!….. OMG are you kidding me!…….I did not respond… and I have not heard from him again today.

    Why did I believe he would make good on his appoligies and promises to change. Why do I linger? I dont believe the things he tells me.

    I am soooo angry!.

    Linda



  41.  #41DocK on August 20, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    AG: I like what you said about “I feel jealous”. Laat time I was at gym with LI a guy came up to say hi & LI was couple feet away doing a set of curls. Other guy does have a habit of saying inappropriate things so I quickly made it clear I was with someone & introduced them. Later as LI was coming out of locker room another guy was stopping to say hi. When we got to car my guy says to me, “I know it’s my problem & you didn’t do anything wrong but I felt something I haven’t felt in a long long time. I was jealous”. I let him know that I actually felt good that he felt comfortable to share that with me & also that those guys posed no threat & nothing to worry about. He said what he felt without drama or accusation & it felt really cool to receive that from a guy.



  42.  #42Bethany on August 20, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Oh my god you guys…there are a TON of really attractive, smart, with-it, conscious guys in Minneapolis. I was sending an e-mail on Match.com and there’s that thing that shows you other profiles that are similar to the guys’ you just sent an e-mail to, and wow…I feel flushed! I didn’t wink or anything of course, but anyway…Rori is RIIGGHHT–there’s always another, better man out there!



  43.  #43Erin on August 20, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    lol….I literally got this email and then got one on Bethany’s last quote. This is from a guy in Minneapolis who does this kind of releasing and is looking for someone who wants to work on starting up a releasing group. Which is what we do here…really. I just had to post.
    http://releasingforum.multiply.com/notes/item/7?mark_read=releasingforum:notes:7



  44.  #44Daria on August 20, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    Once upon a time there was a village, nestled among many other villages. The young men of the village were brave and strong, and they loved making music and dance, at which they were very skilled. Each nite, the young men and women of the village would gather outside, and celebrate life. They had great joy in being together, and love and brotherhood flowed freely.

    The young men were very keen on taking care of one another, and if anyone in the village had a problem or a need of help, they would give freely. Their homes were open to sleep and eat. Disputes and arguments were easily settled, as among brothers, and all would involve to make sure that all the rancour had truly been expressed and freed. The young men held councils to discuss important matters, organized picnics and celebrations, and did generally everything together.

    All would be well, but all was not well. The land far and wide wherein the village was laid had been as far as anyone remembered been ruled by the shadow. The shadow did not live in the villages, but ruled over the land, opressing the people and extracting tribute, ruling all moneymaking and prosperity and leaving the villagers destitute.

    In the time of the fathers and fathers before them, great armies had been formed by the villagers across the land. The people had mobilized and were beginning to revolt. Hope and determination filled their hearts. Victory would be theirs … and yet it was not to be.

    The shadow, seeing the growing strenght of the villagers, sought a clandestine way to thwart them. And so came the shadowbread. The villagers ate heartily. The shadowbread was delicious, intoxicating… and soon they realized their appetite was insatiable. They could no longer resist it. They ate and ate an ate it. They ate shadowbread without feeding their children, without tending their houses. Their clothes unwashed, ravaged, they ate the shadowbread that ate their minds. Hope vanished.

    One day the villagers discovered the way to make the shadowbread themselves… so in their hunger they rejoiced in their crazed desperation. The young men and women had seen their mothers and their fathers eat of the shadowbread. They had cried many tears. They were wary. The young men, not knowing the ancient skills they had not learned from their fathers, sought ways to make a living. They began to sell the shadowbread. A feeble, guilty attempt… and yet…

    It worked! The money from the broken elders came down to the young men. They began to prosper. They painstalkingly refused to eat the shadowbread. The elders were proud. Their pain would not be that of their children. There was hope!

    And yet the shadow would not be so easily defeated. Furious that it’s plan was no longer working, and that the young villagers were beginning to prosper from their parents pain, the shadow began to ravage the land. It raided and captured young men selling the shadowbread. It built great temples, filled with myriad dungeons, and chained them there, for many years, hoping to break their spirit. It spread lies and called their councils and brotherhood “gangs” of “evildoers” and locked the bravest and most prosperous in the farthest to reach places, and some would never get out.

    The villagers suffered. Their anger was great. They fled from the shadow capturers… they quarelled more, they drank more, they hurt their women. The young women, desperate for their men, offered their bodies to sell to help the men. They would no longer sell the shadowbread, the shadow would no longer have reason to capture them… but in vain. The pain was too great… such money too easily lost in guilt and confusion. The young men and women struggled… yet their spirit was not broken. Meanwhile, the children were growing up…



  45.  #45Fernando on August 21, 2009 at 1:58 am

    LJ- More tough love I fear:

    I absolutely agree with Terrance. The moment you fear losing him is the moment you start to lose him.

    I have a very strict rule that my relationships last only as long as they are good for all parties involved. Clearly, your man was getting what he wanted, while your wants and needs went unfulfilled.

    I also agree that you deserve SOOOOO much better! A great man appreciates a woman who’s honest with him, and calls him on his BS so he knows that he can just be himself with you, because that’s all you’ll let him get away with. That’s actually really sexy to me, and I think most guys would agree.

    Daria – Your warrior spirit is SO hot! I mean, look at all the guys in love with Xena: Warrior Princess! Also, knowing that a woman is strong in her feminine is really attractive. We can count on a strong woman to protect our future (or current) children, and biologically, we’re wired to find that attractive I think. So basically, men love warrior women. Don’t change.



  46.  #46Tracy on August 21, 2009 at 4:25 am

    LJ,
    Thanks for sharing your experience.I’ve been in the same situation a couple of times and i feel that i have so much bottled up anger from my past relationship and continue to tickle to the very present one….it feels frustrating to want one thing from a relationship but to keep getting another thing each time….
    From my experience i discovered that the best place to start is with me….Terrance and Fernando are very right on the tough love bit and in order to start loving myself completely i had to start accepting my own feelings around stuff,both the good feelings and the bad ones….
    The more i dig deep into myself the more i discover that all that makes me happy and keeps me feeling good has to start from inside of me and not the other way round…..
    Its been a hard thing to grasp in reality because my mind is structured to always try and fix my happiness from the outside…
    when i start to feel good with myself,its easier to walk away from a man who behaves unpleasant,its easier to understand where the man is coming from and to be able to not blame him for the icky feelings but simply state them and process though them…So what i am actually doing at the moment is taking myself through the good feelings and processing through my icky feelings to get to a place where my mind is clear and my anxiety is down and then i am able to see the relationship more clearly….I have caught glimpses of this experience…still taking baby steps…but it does feel good to know that progress is being made…



  47.  #47Tracy on August 21, 2009 at 5:12 am

    Terrance,
    I resonate a lot with how you described you past experiences…I normally find it hard to express my feelings to a guy i like and instead i bottle it up and smile….I tried the other day in a sort of look warm way and the guy managed to talk me out of it…It felt almost like i don’t trust how i feel,at least not strong enough to defend it by expressing it and standing by it…When i right it down it really looks attractive but honestly i haven’t managed to reach that place completely….the process goes something like the guy triggers my anger or maybe i feel insecure but instead of acknowledging that…..to mean i feel angry or i feel insecure….i don’t want to feel this way….i feel like leaving right now….
    I switch to….why is he doing this,why is he not listening to what i am saying,why is he not concerned about me…basically i want to fix him and i want to fix the bad feeling by fixing him and yet the feelings are coming from me…I usually feel like i need to fix what he’s doing and i need to fix the situation…
    I do feel glad that I’ve recognized my pattern..now i just need to switch to something good…



  48.  #48Daria on August 21, 2009 at 5:21 am

    I just EFT’d on feeling safe to express anger safely (saying /I feel angry) not attacking.

    I do EFT by addressing whatever is in my mind at the moment, tapping on the karate chop point, and saying… even though (whatever is in my mind in the moment)… I love and accept myself. Three times, sometimes using different yet related “even thoughs”

    Then I start tapping on my points all around, not saying the same thing at all… but riffing… one thought at a time on each point… and don’t stop, just keep going rounds… its taken me to subjects vastly different than what I started out with… sometimes I throw in an I love and accept myself… sometimes I find myself REALLY GETTING TIRED OF THIS AND BORED… and I used to quit then…

    but now I keep going and tap on this I feel realy tired of this and bored and want to quit… and wow keep tapping on what comes up… I’ve cleared such amazing things!!

    Today I cleared out my fear of expressing anger HELLO! this is huge… I feel so at ease around my mom right now

    I realize that if all of us humans learn to express anger safely and feel safe doing so … well NO MORE WARS! what what… and NO that will not emasculate our men, they will still be strong and warrior like but in other ways, instead of us humans attacking each other…

    BTW the story I posted above is about (my feeling of) life in my neighborhood… turned to a story… I hope to make it easier for people to relate … instead of gettting triggered to … oh these people are bad these criminals blah blah blah

    I feel blessed to have been given this story this morning

    there is still more to come

    I come in the story at part 3.

    I feel really proud to have written it,

    and a little baffled and surprised that people don’t immediately seem to know what it’s about (my friend on facebook asked me what it’s about… I guess I thought it was obvious hehe… maybe my way of being in the world is not so obvious)

    Fernando Thank you. That feels awesomely reasurring, and I feel more comfortable now… part of what I tapped through was being a “tom-boy” growing up, someone whoever must have decided that since I was active and powerful that made me a tomboy, and that was Good… so my whole life I’ve been trying to be a man/masculine because I thought that would be good…

    ?i even approached the first (or second) Aha the belief must have been built within that time span.. that would be at 5… in a masculine way… no wonder!! I was confused poor me… I feel glad to have cleared that up for myself… i chased him around and he liked a feminine girl that I dismissed as prissy based on his descripition… I’ve basically cleared a lot of that…

    I felt really ashamed of having pursued him, but hey I was just believing being masculine was the way to be good!! I’ve let go of that shame now and I still do feel a little tightening in my right upper arm, so there must still be something there… but I don’t think I’m intrinsically masculine or a lesbian anymore (which was ppreviously a huge pushed down concern, although I don’t think I am/was)….

    I also realized from the fairytales I internalized a fantasy of a man who wants me so much he kidnaps me and takes me to his castle to be his forever

    ?I tried to play this out with the other girls but since of course I thought it was good to be the boy I would be the boy and I had felt so ashamed of that thinking back… wow… actually I had a very FEMININE fantasy!

    And imagining a man wanting me that much and being so powerful that he can take me away!! I feel like I really hit on what /i want…

    I never resonated too much with the prince charming blah blah… I guess I was resonating more with the kidnapping dragon/god/zmeu/ogre … except I picture him as a very attractive man, and to me he’s not bad, he’s very dominant and powerful! Powerful enough to sweep even ME (xena/ Cammille/ Amazon queen) away

    Did u know Amazons are thought to have lived here where I am ? In Constanta, Romania.., called pontul Euxin, this was the Amazons territory and yes I think artefacts/some kind of evidence has been discovered

    I guess I kinda see now why some women have rape fantasizies, its not that they wanna be raped its that the subconcious associates that with a man who wants us so much he’ll do anything to have us

    that feels somewhat triggering don’t want to trigger too hard but I do think many women do have rape fantasizies, I know my cousin was telling me about something like that when we were growing up, that she fantasizied about a man being kinda brutal/rough with her

    I also realized that my lean head to left pouty lips feeling is Depression! And if I ask myself what is this ‘frozeness’ it’;s ANGER! I was scared to express anger because I would get hit as a child… and I think that’s been going on in my culture forever, and I no longer think I have to hang on to it to hang on to my culture… I am changing , and since I’m usually ahead of the wave my culture is changing with me!

    This tapping thing really took me on a journey, it took me a few hours but wow. I think I’ve changed my life with this anger thingy…



  49.  #49Aldonza on August 21, 2009 at 6:01 am

    @Daria
    On rape fantasies. I don’t have an actual fantasy about rape, but I do find the total loss of control in a sexual situation to be very erotic. When you think about it that way, the man taking total charge, it’s almost a complete expression of feminine.

    Please don’t misunderstand me. Rape is a heinous crime. But I think we should all feel safe examining our own thoughts and desires, even when they are not “safe”.



  50.  #50DocK on August 21, 2009 at 6:21 am

    Just My Opinion (i.e. everyone doesn’t have to agree)…

    When I fantasize, even if it is about losing control – I am STILL in control because it is MY fantasy and it goes the way I want it to. This makes it have a “safe” aspect underneath it (for me).

    Sometimes fantasies are better as fantasy – I have had a couple of mine play out and the playing out was not as good as the fantasy [nope, I’m not sharing : – ) ]

    A pseudo-rape fantasy, kidnapping, abduction, etc are fantasies that I believe many young women start with because of the restrictions our society places on women; therefore, when a young girl fantasizes about a sexual encounter that way – responsibility is removed from her and she can allow herself to venture into that territory of acknowledging her desires without it being “her fault.” Again, JMO.

    Also, I think that a lot of really “strong” women enjoy a fantasy where they are whisked away and “taken” and get to submit to someone and give up control.

    What we know, in truth, about the reality of rape is that it is as Aldonza said, “a heinous crime” and has nothing to do with LUST but CONTROL and VIOLENCE and all sorts of horrible feelings some men have about women – in the fantasy (for women), however, it IS about a man HAVING to have us and the whole experience of the fantasy is different.



  51.  #51Linda G on August 21, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Daria, I love your story and am anxious to read more. Please continue…PS I get it



  52.  #52DocK on August 21, 2009 at 7:57 am

    Ellen – also on the issue with your guy and commenting. I agree with Rori on the point of how you respond to his commenting and display of confidence.

    I was with a guy watching a theater production of “A Chorus Line” and he said, “Wow, dancers have such great bodies,” and I said, ‘Why, thank you!’

    He stopped for a minute like “what?” and then started laughing.

    To me – that was no big deal (I CAN take a joke and I DO have confidence) and I also knew and trusted our relationship.

    On the other hand, there are times when I have been with men that do the commenting thing where I felt it just plain crossed a line, was out of hand, was demeaning and objectifying and I don’t have to tolerate that no matter how much confidence I have.



  53.  #53Tracy on August 21, 2009 at 8:44 am

    Daria,
    I am really proud of the progress you are making…i feel that i am a few steps behind and reading your comments give me a glimpse of the good things to come…



  54.  #54Tracy on August 21, 2009 at 9:07 am

    I feel that finally i am learning to let go…..I am learning to stop trying to fix everything….i feel scared sometimes but i like this new me…..it feels great to focus on myself for a change and to improve on me instead of trying to fix others….it feels good to trust on the universe to bring forth good things…and it actually works….i feel relieved….



  55.  #55Mercedes on August 21, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Tracy: I just want to say you are so wonderful. I have read about and felt your growth so much since we “met”…you have only good things to come I’m sure.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  56.  #56K on August 21, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    Hi Girls, and Guys 🙂
    I just wanted to add a bit here of my own opinion but not judgement. I think you all are doing great ‘therapy’ on these blogs, and I totally admire and respect everyone’s honesty and openness!!! All this has come at a time in my life when I’m ready to ‘do things differently!” I also have noticed I have to–and for my daughters’ sakes too….I am trying to teach/lead them in expressing and honoring their feelings–especially my youngest one who holds things back….their main ‘man’ relationship is their dad, and he does sh**ty things to them all the time….for instance, last night he ‘forgot the plan’ and didn’t come pick them up….it was a perfect chance for us to talk about being angry and how OK that is/was. I am trying to get my youngest to write him a letter (that she can read, send, or jsut keep) and that will help her ‘vent’ those feelings she keeps tied up inside…I was even able to point out examples where their feelings are coming out whether they like it or not.

    This situation, wanting things ‘better’ for my girls than myself..after 42 years I’m starting to change…has made me feel more contact with my feelings…anger, loneliness, sadness, hope, excitement…because I want to be a role model for healthy for them and not the emotionally ‘protected’–otherwise, distant and guarded–and alone mom they have seen.

    Daria- Maybe you need to go through the toxic relationship stuff with yourself in reference to your mom?!?!? I think we can (and should) apply these techniques to ALL our relationships, and Rori does say that all relationships fit into the female/male energies and boundaries are important to maintain our own emotional ‘safety’–that’s why its first in the mantra (i’m guessing).

    Ellen- Excellent first try…it is hard to change. and we aren’t responsible for the response or outcome of our expressions….we just have to ‘do right’ for ourselves.

    Erin- In my opinion, the grief you feel is totally warranted–deployed again!! I’m feeling sorrow and support for you; I can’t know what you go through each day with him at war!!! “we don’t operate that way’ sounds like he doesn’t want to acknowledge your new found expressions…just keep feeling your feelings 🙂

    I need help too! Thank you ladies!! Keep giving me your guidance!!

    XO K



  57.  #57gina on August 21, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    this isn’t about anger – it’s about a guy i just met, so no anger yet 🙂

    we met last night and totally hit it off. This morning he texted:

    Good morning Gina. I just wanted to say that it was great chatting with you last night and I look forward to our next encounter…

    I said: Hey Johnny. Thanks for the message. Last night felt fun. I’m excited to chat with you more.

    And now I’m feeling icko about how lame my message sounded. I wish i had said something like

    Hey, yeah last night was fun. It felt so good to talk with someone passionate about Ron Paul and Jazz. I’m intrigued. Talk soon…

    I’d love any tips or tweaks so that I can accelerate my growth with these feeling messages – I feel so awkward so far.



  58.  #58Daria on August 21, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    I felt soooo angry at my mom after tapping today.. a few hours after… I thought I was gonna be SICK!! I had flushes, sweaty hands, feeling like I was gonna pass out and hurting in my lower back… and i felt so irritated… ugh

    i took a shower and relaxed and now I feel better

    my mom no longer triggers me constantly! yay! I feel calm … wow … stuff that wouldve definitely triggered me before, now is NOT!

    Poor woman! Everything she did would trigger me…

    Thank goodness!



  59.  #59Daria on August 21, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Wanted to add that I felt angry at her randomly, no specific reason… I guess I was releasing it out my system… wow! Now I feel super sleepy.



  60.  #60Daria on August 21, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Gina both of those are great! and YOU are great! you simply CAN’T get it wrong! so don’t beat urself up… that’s the only “rule”



  61.  #61Daria on August 21, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Hugs to everyone!!!!



  62.  #62gina on August 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Thanks daria that’s what I needed. Hugs!



  63.  #63gina on August 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Okay, I’m feeling triggered by the idea that we can’t do anything wrong. Something inside of me wants me to be wrong – wants to say that I could have done it more perfectly. I have an inner perfectionist that’s always screwing things up – sort of ironic…



  64.  #64Tina on August 21, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    I’m really trying to find my anger in my situation. 11/2 yr. man is dating another woman. Each time I want to got there and feel my anger, my logic and intuition tells me I did the right thing. I search for my anger, I feel it a little then my brain says you did the right thing, save your anger , save your energy, dont waste time feeling anything over this guy. My intuition tells me to continue doing my thing. I feel conflicted between finding my anger, screaming at him , YOU FCKEN AHOLE! according to all the “rules’ he wasnt good for me anyway but I still want to do/say something , say how I feel, I wonder what it would feel like to throw at rock at his head while he’s with his new “Girlfriend” I’ll take out my imaginary rock and throw it at him while he’s driving down the road with his new girlfriend. Ok, I think I just found my anger. I feel angry that he took my power, he just right out stole it without a thought or care in the world. The woman in question actually came to my house a few weeks ago for lunch! I feel clueless, I dont understand her motivation or his. Of course I know now that they are dating. I never contacted him in any way. I just continued on with my life, circular dating is fun. I went on a swimming date for about three hours. We talked , I had a nice time. We laid out in the sun down by the river, he swam around with me on his back, great time! we kissed , I felt sad when the date ended, I felt I could have swam all day. He has a very recent history of sleeping around and I told him how I felt about sex for me at this time in my life. It’s funny that my dates are intimate in a lot of ways, when I talk about sex and how I feel they never ask me for another date lol. I dont mind though. I see the humor in it. I receive the great massages,the kissing,swimming, food whatever, just when I talk about how I feel about sex right now, it all changes. This is what I did for myself before I met 1 1/2 yr guy , It had been almost one year before that I had no sexual relationships with men, except I didnt have “tools” BIG GRIN My confidence level was up, not as where I would have liked it to be. I was starting to feel better after my marriage ended, then I met him and now here I am. What I want to do with my anger is I feel like putting some kind of curse on him lol, nothing life threatening well…no I want to say give him the case of the crabs or something that can be cured with antiboitics or something. lol, my evil sister suggested that I rub down my ex husbands sheets with insulation lol, were kinda crazy thinking that way.



  65.  #65Daria on August 21, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I agree it’s an easy trigger! hehe…

    you did Great!

    heres something i got from an Loa class…

    no matter what’s going on, wether u think its good or bad…

    Relax

    it can only make it better

    it works for me when i remember it



  66.  #66Linda on August 21, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    So… When you call a man on his BS he wont be able to dish it out anymore. .. I get it!

    When you are afraid of losing a relationship, or someone that is when you begin to loose it… I think I get that. I do know that I am never ever supposed to approach anything out of a place of fear. I try my best not to. If I feel afraid then I have not come to a place of resolve or decision within myself and I need to do that before speaking.

    I think I am a born “fixer”… I need to focus on fixing me, understanding my icky feelings, building more self-confidence through it too. That requires going into the soup, a place I dont really like. So many times I will listen to something and see how it applies to someone else and wish they where hearing it. I should in fact be focusing on me and applying it to me alone I guess.

    These are all really great and helpful points that you are making.

    I was so mad yesterday. Today I dont feel mad, just disgusted with my situation. The same thing over and over. Together not together, talking, not talking all being led by him. I am tired of not mattering, giving and not being given to, being cancelled on and put off. I drew boundries and communicated them. I walked away. Then… he stepped back in…appologized and I made him tell me what he was specifically sorry for. T told him what I needed and he listened….. I felt heard and respected for the first time ….., things were better for about 2 weeks and we just got back from a 4 day trip that was wonderful! Now, poof no communication again. I asked for emotional support yesterday via a phone call and all I got was a text. He has not called or text today…. all the same old thing. It is so upsetting and crazy.

    Why does this keep happening? I am really clueless.

    Linda



  67.  #67LJ on August 21, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Terrence, thank you so much for your response. It’s great to have a man’s perspective, and I’m so glad that you broke down parts of it. It does help me see things from a different perspective. Thanks for your insight and thanks for your support…believe me I can’t get enough of that right now… Thanks Fernando and Tracy for your comments so much as well. It makes me feel so good that I have friends here that are there for be and we’ve never even met. It means alot.
    Terrence, I believe you’re right about the bullying; I feel sort of like I’m bullied even though he may or may not be doing it intentionally. I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.
    as well, i have given my power over to him, and have made everything very easy for him…and I know caving in will give him even more power..that has been my pattern in the past…and I think you are right..that he probably figures in a week or 2 or 3…i’ll come around…that’s what I’ve done before…because i would try to be as strong as I could and hold out as long as I could and then after so much time I would seek him out because I missed him so much and just wanted to reconnect with him…I know it will be hard for me now..but I intend to leave him alone..and turn that energy towards me…i know that I need to break this pattern of behavior for myself, and need to pull my energy from focusing on him and out it on myself…it’s really hard…one minute you fdeel strong..and then weak..and then strong, etc…and obviously it’s those weak moments that are such a struggle…trying to shift your thinking…to let your mind not wander and star asking the why? questions…or visualize him happy with some other woman (like you 2 were at one time)which makes you feel nauseated and truly paininful……it’s especially hard for me since I work with him and see him daily..his office is right around the corner from mine and i can hear him talk, laughing, etc…) so it’s extra hard to keep focused……
    Terrence, I’m glad you told me that I did the right thinkg by going and approaching him…it did feel good to unleash some of what was bottled up…and in a sense I felt some relief, and i even felt powerful to a degree that i gain some self-respect back…..however, I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve had more self-control, and I didn’t get to say what I wanted in a way I could send him a clear message…and I didn’t intend on hurting him as well…i was hoping for a good, adult, mature I guess..and a different ending to the conversation..
    I have to be honest..i felt scared and still do that he just said bye..(thank you for being compassionate about it)
    it runs through my head that we are completely over…he’s done..and that’s it…i don’t know why I need to feel that I need to have some sort of hope that he didn’t mean that.. can a man just dismiss things like that and move on for good w/o feeling anything about it?…
    Maybe it’s because if it’s over, I’ll somehow start blaming myself…or maybe it’s just that my self esteem is so shitty, and I hadn’t realized it was or seen that it was sinking all this time…..I’m not sure…I do know..when I love..I love hard….
    When I look back at this relationship and other’s i had..there is something that is so hard to figure out…this may be true for most women as well, but this is how I feel and feels sorta true for me…in the beginning, everything is great…the guy is on his best behavior, he wants the girl, and likes the pursuit, and will do all kinds of great things to get her…. and the girl, while loving this, in the early stages has a guard over her heart, she’s opened the guard slightly but it’s still there protecting her from harm…as time goes on and she feels more comfortable with this guy, and he’s doing all the right things, and they are growing closer,..she feels more and more secure and trusting of him…she slowly and progressively starts to let that guard down….this goes for whatever amount of time, could be months or maybe even year, (depending on if she’s been really hurt in past or not. etc.) (in my case, guard kept up for several months) …..as the relationship keeps going strong..and everything seems great…closeness grows..she feels that she can even open her heart more, she allows herself to be completely vulnerable and around that time, there is actually a point when she can look at her guy and think …(God..i’m in love with him… this is one of the greatest feelings in the world, ..a feeling so deep..and your heart liberated, you’ve let go of all that was guarding yourself and now your filled with this amazing sensation, and you can sense that he feels it too , you feel soo safe, like your on top of the world, like you’re awake……..
    Then..it seems like after this happens…..slowly everything goes down hill…after a woman lets go of that guard which is what she wants to do and feel safe to do…it seems like a guy starts knowing..”I got her”…i don’t have to work anymore…the woman, (like me) I guess is “so wrapped up in this emotional bliss” that when tiny lil things start happening that are like lil red flags of disrespect, or not calling u back one time….we are sort of blinded our bliss, we let things slide and dismiss them as no big deal. …and I guess…(I think this is what I’ve been doing.) and aftertime…they add up…and add up….
    i guess u wind up dismissing his behavior..because you think he’s feeling the same way you do…and can be happy just being with you..you don’t view them as red flags…….one day like now, your asking what happened? How did I get here? and can’t understand?….. …this is partly where I am right now…..trying to understand Thanks again..Terrence..Fernando, and others for your feedback…I appreciate it…
    lj



  68.  #68Bethany on August 21, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Linda and LJ, you girls need to try EFT…it really helps…YouTube how to do it, watch tryitoneverything.com, or emofree.com…big hugs!



  69.  #69Ann on August 21, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Alias Girl thank you it felt good to read your compliment on my haircut.

    To the guys thank you so much for teaching us from a man’s point of view.

    Daria I got and enjoyed your story when you posted it. Look forward to reading more.

    I’ve been sick this week and still feeling puny so don’t feel I have much to contribute at the moment.

    Thanks to all for sharing.



  70.  #70Terrance Thames on August 21, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    LJ- I’m glad that my words were recieved well. I think we all have been in your position at one time or another.

    “I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster”

    This seems to be a big component of how men create attraction with women. To be able to evoke a wide variety of emotions is what I hear as a constant in a very passionate and sometimes in your case a very draining and almost addicting relationship. Today during work one of the reps that I was working with broke down last night and asked me to help her with a similar yet maybe more extreme situation. She has been married 16 years and they just currently got separated. She constantly tells me that her husband is perfect for her but she is been mad at him for a long time due to him not having a job (long story here) She recently just lost her brother in a malpractice where he died wrongfully. She was very close to her brother and is very grief stricken. All of this caused her to finally snap and she needed a break. The day of her brother funeral she met a guy while crying in an elevator. He noticed that she was sad and when she told him about her brother he actually cried with her. She saw a release from having to deal with the death of her brother and quickly became attached to this guy. This guy however treats her like shit now, but shes literally addicted to him and she admits this. She actually bankrolls him too. bought him a laptop and loaned him $5000!!! She was about to give him another 5500 to pay off some sort of legal problem when I got wind of this. When he treats her like this, it hurts her really bad but she says she loves him and hes not always like this. She is in a vicious cycle and she knows it but doesn’t think she has the strength to break out of it. This will take time, but the reccuring theme here is the emotional rollercoaster that he takes her on. Some days he’s treating her great while other days he will literally break it off with her and wait until she comes back begging. And shes buying him shit. It was painful for me to watch it. Hopefully she will allow me to help her more but we will see.

    “Terrence, I’m glad you told me that I did the right thing by going and approaching him…it did feel good to unleash some of what was bottled up…and in a sense I felt some relief, and i even felt powerful to a degree that i gain some self-respect back”

    Imagine how powerful you could feel if you could call him on his B.S naturally and effortlessly. How amazing would that feel?

    “however, I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve had more self-control, and I didn’t get to say what I wanted in a way I could send him a clear message”

    It sounded like your message was clear. With not being fearful of your potential mistakes comes your abilty of self-control and calibration. You did great here. I feel like if you focus on what you did well here not what you could have done better, you will find yourself much more rewarded of your actions. Again good job!

    “can a man just dismiss things like that and move on for good w/o feeling anything about it?…”

    The reality here is yes men can, but not in the way you may believe. If he cares for you then he will feel about it
    but the male ego is strong and prideful. He may be torn up about it, but just not show it. We are notorious about not showing our feelings. Not sure what is going on with him tho…

    “it seems like a guy starts knowing..”I got her”…i don’t have to work anymore”

    Been guilty of this almost my entire life!! This is why it so important to always as much as you can call us on our B.S. Thats to me seems the only way to keep us consistently showing up. Its the only way I can admittedly show up constantly even now.

    Also here are some other things that I have noticed personally that are red flags for caving that drive me nuts…

    1. texting something powerful and feminine and then when the guy doesn’t respond right away you send a text backing down from your previous statement.

    For example…My girl called while I was at work and I sent her a text saying this:

    “I’m working baby do you need anything”
    she said

    “yah just a 100% committment from you. Thats all :-)”

    I was shocked so I asked:

    “Wow is that really what you really called me earlier for?”

    I didn’t respond right away because I was working but I was think “damn that was powerful!”
    I was literally texting her a compliment but before I could respond she said this:

    “Actually no. I wanted to know if any of the coffee in the cupboard was yours. I’m just playin with you Btw”

    What a let down! I let her know (my version of calling her on her BS)

    “Lol! BTW I was about to give a compliment on that text but you said you were just playing with me…:-)”

    I gotta run now but I hope this helps and I will add some more to this list if you would like and maybe Fernando has a few as well.



  71.  #71Ann on August 21, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Terrance I’d like to read more of your list. I LOVE reading yours and Justin perspective here. For years my daughter has asked me a question that I didn’t know the answer to but the 2 of you on this post have gave me the answer.

    She would ask me “how are you so good at connecting with men? My answer was always I don’t know I’m just me. I’m honest, tell you like it is, like to flirt, joke around and have fun. And she would say “yeah but sometimes that bluntness sounds strong, and when you don’t like something you might just turn around and walk away, or say I didn’t frigging like that. Well to me that sounds hard.”

    Well I feelI’m learning(correct me if I’m wrong) from the 2 of you that I need to keep my bluntness( maybe I need to be softer with it sometimes lol)



  72.  #72Daria on August 21, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Thanks Ann…

    the truth is I felt triggered one time when I read from u that maybe my friends will have learned something from this when their cousin died… logically i understood

    emotionally i felt hopeless and misunderstood, kind of separate and judged

    of course i have nv’s about this for a long time, so the comment just triggered them off

    that inspired me to write stories of mine and people ?I know’s life experiences in the form of traditional tales so taht it might bypass peoples critcal factor and preconceptions and allow people to relate and empathasize on a deeper level



  73.  #73Tracy on August 22, 2009 at 1:53 am

    Mercedes,
    Thank you….i feel really encouraged and its been a long road but i feel so happy now i’m just going to keep going forward….Big hugs!



  74.  #74Tracy on August 22, 2009 at 1:58 am

    Daria,
    I am also triggered by mum alot and most of the time for no apparent reason….
    My mum worries alot and sometimes i feel as though she burdens me with those worries….but i feel that its really me feeling helpless over situations i don’t have control over and me feeling guilty when things don’t work out with everyone else….I pick up her worries and i carry them along with me….I have been trying to release that….and i am also trying not to put blame on her….its hard…and this is big for me but i am working on it…



  75.  #75Linda on August 23, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Terrance you said something that made a light bulb go on in my head!… “men often use the rollercoaster ride thing to create attraction even an addiction to a them or a them or a relationship with them”…

    I think I have fallen victum to this. I have not given up my power to this man but the whole thing does occupy alot of my thought life.

    I have had an on again, off again thing going on with this particular man. There is a genuine mutual attraction and we have had times of real connection on multiple levels. One week things are great and then the next he pulls away. We have had several heart to heart talks, usually initiated by him. The last one happened after I walked away from it all. Things stayed consistent between us for 2 weeks and we went an a great trip last week end. Then when we came back, he would only text and now nothing again…I wish it was different but it isnt.

    After this last round, I have taken a long hard look at it all. Your comment spurred a new thought and decision today. His behavior and not answering my request to call me today is yet another factor. I have to hold strong and protect myself and hold my boundries that I set when I walked. I am calling on his BS.

    I need to feed myself and let my mind dwell on things that build me up and edify me… not take and drain all my energies. Which has totally be the case. I feel drained most the time now… Breaking this cycle and releasing it all to be what it will or wont be is the best thing I can do for me. I deserve the things he told me he was going to do and be not this again. I am a woman worthy of honor and I have sown nothing but good things in his life. I

    We all need to be careful what we invite into our lives… sometimes you dont know until a little time has passed but keeping your power is being able to call a spade a spade and walk with your head held high.

    Thanks for the comments on the other posts. I really helped me.

    Linda



  76.  #76LJ on August 25, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Terrence,
    I wanted to thank you again for your feedback. Sorry I didn’t get back sooner, but my computer was down.It’s been almost a week now since I spoke with him and that was when I confronted him. I haven’t spoke to him, contacted him and vice versa. When I’ve passed by him at work, I really don’t know how to act. I feel very uncomfortable. Don’t know if I should be nice and say hi or just look away and avoid him. Being in such close physical proximity on a daily basis to him is especially painful. I feel so much anger inside one minute, then saddness and a feeling of missing him. I’m coping the best I can, and trying to keep myself busy. It’s so hard to keep myself from thinking about him and wandering what he’s doing, thinking, feeling, and if he will come around and approach me. With that, my mind goes everywhere…i’ll picture him out having a grand old time, laughing and having fun with other women and i feel rage, horrified, disgusted, and hurt…..then the next minute i feel like..that’s just in my head..that deep down he doesn’t want things to end and feels hurt as well but he’d rather hide his feelings and let go than to work on anything….anyway..this is just an example.. but it’s these constant conflicting thoughts and feelings fighting with each other…sort of like having the shoulder angel and the shoulder devil on you as seen in cartoons…it’s enough to drive you crazy….u don’t know what to believe…it sucks..and many times I feel this sick, empty, nauseating feeling inside…granted I’m not like this 100% of the day….but it happens and it’s hard to switch it off……anyway…trying not to depress anyone..just sharing some real feelings here….
    Terrence, I would also love to hear more of your list and more of your insight in the future…I know your feedback has really helped me, …and I know it will benefit other women as well..getting the male perspective is an eye-opener for women, and you seem very insightful, honest, real, and considerate and I really appreciate that as I’m sure all the women on here do…
    thanks again..take care..
    lj



  77.  #77Tracy on September 5, 2009 at 6:47 am

    Finally I’ve tapped into my anger………….i feel so angry and upset…I feel angry at myself for the past mistakes and for setting myself up to be humiliated over and over again….i feel angry for allowing myself to be treated like trash…i feel angry for always second guessing myself and acting like such a jerk….i feel so angry at myself…
    I feel angry for pretending to be nice and allowing others to take take advantage of me…i feel angry for not being responsible for my happiness and leaving it for others to make me happy…..God why did i put up with all these….
    I feel sad because i feel that i am worth so much more than what i am getting….i have so much going on with myself and i am so blessed and i feel bad because i push that all aside and run after humiliations and frustrations…
    i feel so angry for not loving myself enough…for not asking for what makes me happy and comfortable….i feel angry for not expressing my anger and being true to my feelings.
    I feel angry for hiding behind denial and pretending that everything was okay…..
    I feel more relieved now…..i feel safe and i want to make a fresh start…
    I have written a final text to my proverbial thorn guy to express my feelings and i have made a commitment to myself to take care of me from now on and to use my anger and feel it every time it comes up instead of hiding behind denial…I deserve to be happy and loved and cherished and anyone that doesn’t feel good with that kiss my ass…no more taking scrumps from anyone..
    I remember my childhood memory that sets this stage up…i finished my high school and when the results came put i have not performed well..my dad said that he had indeed wasted money taking me to school all these time…he didn’t mean it i know,but i felt so hurt and defeated and i feel that i have been trying to sit that very exam over and over again with my life just so i can finally pass…and yet i have a good career and my studies are going well and i am blessed with family and friends…i have so many good things going on…i just wasn’t noticing them….
    I feel ashamed of all the anger that i have stuffed inside for such a long time…i feel tired of being unhappy and anxious all the time…i want to be grateful and i want to be hopeful and excited about new things to come…
    I feel that i can trust myself to let go of the reigns…



  78.  #78Tracy on September 5, 2009 at 7:01 am

    I feel that i have turned most of my anger towards myself and now i feel so angry at me…i blame myself for so many things i didn’t accomplish…i blame myself for not making others happy for not making my dad proud…
    Its amazing because each time i attract a guy i have to prove myself worthy off…and i watch as they pick someone else and the same old story replays in my head again…i feel angry of my failure…but i am tired of singing the same song…
    I feel that deep down inside my dad is very proud of the person I’ve become and he’s proud of me..i don’t want to play the same old song again..I am changing the tunes and i feel so angry right now for not doing this a lot sooner…
    I feel so glad for finding this post just when i needed it.It felt as though i was reading about myself…
    The first time i read it,i didn’t feel the anger at all,and the post didn’t make sense to me but now…i feel that my anger is coming up from all the hidden spots and i actually feel like a diva and my confidence feels much stronger…



  79.  #79Terrance Thames on September 6, 2009 at 10:35 am

    LJ-Thanks for that 🙂 I have been so swamped with drastic changes in my life that I have not been able to get on here to write.

    As far as the list is concerned these are a couple more things that I have experienced:

    1. Purposely changing your opinion of something just to please the guy you are with. At times, I might play devils advocate to an opinion that she may have about something to see if she is going to stick to her guns or if she, without checking in, immediately changes her opinion to suit mine. if she checks in and then changes it then thats different. I know shes caving if she doesn’t check in first.

    2. Apologizing all the time. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t apologize if we truely feel we have done something wrong because I think that is necessary, but doing it all the time drives me nuts. There will be times when women will apologize for things that I didnt even realize went wrong. If they do it once or twice or infrequent then I know they care and are just checking in with me to make sure I am doing ok, but if they do it all the time they are caving and I know the difference.

    I hope this helps



  80.  #80Alison on October 5, 2009 at 9:07 am

    This post is the tip of the mountain I’ve been climbing for a very long time and the view is amazing! I pushed away another lover yesterday because of my unresolved anger towards men, my dead father included. My husband left me for another woman and we are now divorced after 14 years but that seems like a blip on the radar after what I experienced yesterday. I flushed this guy out because I hadnt realized that even though I wasnt being extra nice which is the usual way I express anger, this time I was filing the air with needless conversation. I shut him out by building a moat of bullshit. I was angry at him and he did nothing to deserve it. I started building this moat to protect myself from past hurt. He was just waiting for me to say something authentic and I took it as being rejection. I actually made him reject me. He was interested in me but I beat him to it and pushed him away before he could push me away first. I wish I could turn back the clock so that I could have another chance but it will have to wait until I run into him again or when he calls and I kind of know that will never happen. Even though it hurts to know that I crushed this little seedling of trust before it had a chance to grow, I can at least see for the first time that there even was a seedling. I feel sad about it because I see now that only by me knowing and expressing my true and real feelings could that love even have a chance to grow. I can feel it. I know for certain, perhaps for the first time in my life, that this is true. I feel guilty for letting him down. I know it takes two to tango but I left the dance floor before the music even started. Now I’m trying to forgive myself yet again for messing things up. I love my guilt! I love my guilt. This process takes time and like Rori says, it has to be done in the field, by being with actual men. Not by being alone at home listening to tapes. I’m feeling the bumps on the road but at least I’m on the right road.



  81.  #81Rori Raye on October 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Wow, Alison, Welcome, and thank you for your powerful comment. If you can turn this moment into a moment to celebrate – when you GOT it and decided to grab your life and whip it around in a new direction…you will be shocked at how quickly things change for you. Yes, practice in the field. Focus on PRACTICE (Just as you do in meditation) and not on the results, and you’ll start to feel the shift. Love, Rori



  82.  #82Alison on October 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    Thank you Rori! I understand exactly what you mean about focusing on the practice and not the result. Its a very important distinction that I know will be a challenge for me. I’ve had a little taste of what the shift might feel like so I want to keep my eye on the ball and not be distracted from my focus on myself. A few months ago a dear girlfriend of mine said that one must go through the world inside out rather than outside in. Armed with that phrase and the tools you have so generously provided I will try my best and keep on trying until I get it right. There is no turning back because I cant go back at this point. I’ve gone too far.
    Much love and thank you so much!
    Alison



  83.  #83Vana on October 20, 2009 at 5:12 am

    Rori,

    It’s about 3am and I can’t sleep because I’ve just had a bit of an epiphany.

    Flash back to the last time I commented, you told me to try CODA because I self-described as being addicted to a man (I’m newly 21 and too young to be hurting over one person so long).

    The short story is, I didn’t really like the emphasis the group put on God, as I’m not religious and it just made me very uncomfortable. Still, determined to change SOMETHING, I began to work through your blogs (Can’t afford your book yet, but hopefully by the end of this comment you can direct me to which one of your products/tools will be most helpful, and I’ll invest in that)

    I learned a lot already: I discovered that I’ve been a crumb-taker all my life, growing up as the eldest of four children, expected to behave like “a little lady” and even though I was smart and an exemplary student (I’m proud to say I go to UC Berkeley) I only received crumbs from my parents all my life—morsels of affection, plenty of patronization and a good helping of daily criticism. And these were the good ol’ days before the divorce, my mother disowning me and my father ignoring me in favor of his new girlfriend.

    Add to that that I grew up watching my parents try to function in an utterly dysfunctional relationship that involved alcohol, lies and constant back and forth adultery (that lasted YEARS after the divorce, to where I witnessed my father lying to his girlfriend and my mother, seeing BOTH of them at the same time under false pretenses),

    I had to admit to myself that I had not even a slight INKLING of what Love is.

    And with that knowledge, I revisited my obsession, and admitted to myself that I was mourning over the boy I lost–because I never really let myself mourn, I kept it all inside and put on a brave face and tried to forge onward, like the feminists of yesteryear that I respected, the way I thought a true independent woman would. (You’ve touched on this in many of your blogs, and i now know i was wrong. thank you thank you thank you)

    And because of all that, suddenly my “addiction” wasn’t an addiction any more. It was nostalgia, it was sadness, it was loss, it was a feeling of incompetence, like i was not enough, it was wanting to fix the past, it was wanting to heal and not knowing how to.

    During this whole 4 year ordeal in which i was a slave to feeling for my First Love, I made a friend in college. He’s gay (not that that particular point matters) and he’s my best friend and I’ve slowly realized through our friendship what love is.

    You asked in one of your blogs that we picture what a good relationship would feel like.I had no idea how to even begin to answer that question.

    But thanks to my best friend, I now do.

    We are very Will & Grace in our interactions. We have different tastes in everything (I used to, naively believe that love could only happen [romantically] when there was complete “compatibility”–which i took to mean “similarities” in stupid things like music tastes or choices in clothing or movies, etc. Which was one MAJOR reason why I so stupidly believed that the other boy was my Soulmate)

    But my friend, whose name is Paul has taught me otherwise.

    He respects me as a person. He never puts me down. He genuinely listens to my problems and doesn’t actually try to solve them for me unless I directly ask for help. He gives me room to grow and be myself. He is never ashamed of me, he never makes me feel belittled or stepped on. And if he thinks, even for a second that he has hurt my feelings in some way, he is quick to fix it.

    He tells me that he loves me and he shows me that he loves me. He makes me a better person and has taught me so much about relationships in general. He has made me a better friend.

    I feel loved, cared for, respected and secure, when I’m with him and even when I’m not. (He has many close friends because he is a wonderful person, but I KNOW because he SHOWS me and tells me, that I’m special to him and that no one could replace my role in his life. No one has ever told me anything like that before. And this is just a friendship!)

    Now, I am not IN LOVE with my best friend. I just love him, adore him! But I am in no way in an “imaginary relationship” with him.

    My point is that I’ve discovered what you meant—and this has nothing to do with destiny or some cosmic bond, like I so romantically attached myself to before and made excuses out of such ideas in defense of men who were not at all worth my time.

    I am beginning to see myself through his eyes (Paul told me once during a period in which i was very depressed that he wished that I could see myself the way he sees me–and I think I’m finally getting there) and it has in turn helped me reevaluate my “obsession” with that first love.

    I’ve acknowledged my anger for how my First Love wronged me and have begun to let myself feel the pain it caused and the fear it has perpetuated for the future, the fear that ALL my relationships will end the same way.

    But I know now that those things are MY PROBLEMS that they reside in my own head and heart and have, in all actuality VERY LITTLE to do with my first love.

    They have everything to do with my self esteem and the way that I see myself, love and relationships.

    I’m young. I can be saved yet! I can learn to do this right, and thanks to the love of a good friend, who is by the way, the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and the FIRST PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO I CAN BE TRULY MYSELF, TRULY VULNERABLE WITH AND IT’S _OKAY_—-I finally believe that I can get there and learn from the past and eventually find a relationship much like this friendship.

    I do have to say that I am so jaded that I would not have been able to reach this level of intimacy with a man that I could actually have a romantic relationship with—yet.

    My friendship with Paul is certainly a crucial first step towards that, and yet I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the thought of doing with this a potential partner
    SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME.

    Where should I start Rori? I’m open to dating and I’ve begun to shift the focus of my life on Me and away from my First Love (who reacted by showering me with attention, which was tempting, but I’ve resolved to treat him as merely a distant friend, since the truth is I haven’t seen him in a year an a half and don’t know him anymore–hurrah for THAT realization/glance into reality)

    Am I too young for the information here? I’ve dated plenty but never allowed myself to get into another real relationship.

    Where should I start? What should I do?

    Sorry for the lengthy comment.

    Grateful for your site,

    Vana



  84.  #84Vana on October 20, 2009 at 5:39 am

    OH MY GOODNESS i completely didn’t address what inspired that whole comment.

    I got in touch with my anger and uncovered all of that, with respect to my parents and the first love. haha, sorry. You were right. Anger is the key. It’s liberating.



  85.  #85Vanessa on March 6, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Hello Everybody

    I feel angry! Husband and I were broken up for about two years. We started talking again around the begining of this year. There was no contact during our break up. Reason for our break up was because we seemed to trigger one another and it ended in a bad situation where I didn’t want to ever see him again. I do love him though and after reading around on these post, i am not sure but he can be toxic. Anyways, at the begining of the year he requested to have a talk w/ me. I agreed 2 weeks later. Once we spoke he mentioned he wanted to move back home to his state. During the conversation I was feeling strong and I started saying things just to see his reaction. I remember saying that I would follow him to the end of the world if need too. I knew he had a girlfriend in which he doesn’t express love for. Shortly after he invited me to go out with him and his friend in which i agreed. I just wanted to have fun in which we did. he ask a few more times to hang out w/ me however the dates were off. for example, one week with me another one with girlfriend. lately he has been at his house and not with the girlfriend. Finaly, last week we had sex and I expressed my feelings to him in feeling messages in which he was looking at me like if he didn’t understand. I did not say I wanted my marriage back but i rather expressed how old feelings were coming back up. I guess where my anger comes from is the fact that he really was not pursing me from the start. My mind believes all this was a product because i told him how i would follow him to the end of the earth. After the sex, literally, I have not seen him. He has text but i can feel the distance. he is not trying to pursue. Why do i feel angry? when i knew from the start that he has issues he needs to fix and is far from committing. I understand i need to really look within myself and figure out what I want. I can’t stop thinking about all the good times we had. when we are together it feels like magic. but the other side makes me feel bad because i am not willing to share. I am not willing to sit home and wait. I know at this point he thinks he has me all to himself whenever he wants but i have started to circular date. I am not interested in any of them but i get angry cuz my mind will not stop wondering where he is at. I have done a great job at not reaching to text, call etc… therefore, our contact has become less and less and I feel a combination of angry and sad…

    help!



  86.  #86Rori Raye on March 6, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Vanessa, Welcome, and the person you are angry at is you – for getting snowed like this. Please take good care of yourself, Circular Date, and don’t let this man back in your life….Love, Rori



  87.  #87Tina on March 14, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    I am angry at me, Lets Rock!



  88.  #88Jeannette on March 14, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    My ex-long distance bf told me once after his divorce that he felt justice wasn’t served and his ex got away with far too much (of the families profits..) Anyway, he said, “That is the last time I will ever go out of my way for a woman!” Later, when I suggested counseling, he said, Oh, I don’t need that, she may, but I don’t there is nothing wrong with me.” He said she went out on him, and she also went out on him BEFORE they were married but he married her anyway…Well please, who needs counseling here…..SO now he broke up with me and GOD knows what he is doing…I just have the gnawing feeling he is just about being emotionally unavailable, also because he was the oldest of 13 and he left home early because they ran out of room early. I think I was too available and he was used to being tossed around and discarded and devalued and there really is nothing I can do about that. Other than take care of myself. My mother was there for me and his wasn’t. But I still feel bad because I wasn’t allowed to help him through it.



  89.  #89Alicia on March 31, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    I need this one too.



  90.  #90Stacy on January 24, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Rori,

    I’ve been married for 15 years, 3 of which my husband and I have remained separated. He continues a relationship with another women but when they fight, he contacts me saying he didn’t want a divorce or want things to end but he’s been confused. I believe and do all the wrong things and he’s running back to her. I love him and miss him but I am not good at expressing my feelings which he complains about as well. Currently we are not speaking nor is he trying to contact me which leads me to believe he made a decision and it’s not me. Is it too late for me to even try? I don’t even know where to begin to try if I decided to go for it. I feel so rejected and thrown away. I am angry at myself for always believing him but I also believe he has a good heart and that’s what keeps my hope alive. My story seems much like Vanessa’s and I can relate to what she’s going through. On the other hand, I haven’t dated anyone.



  91.  #91Kat on April 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    I’m not sure how to handle things with my BF. He talks alot about feelings, but it seems like when I tell him how I feel about something that he gets all pissed off and starts yelling. He’s told me several times that I am mean to him alot and that I have an attitude alot. Since he told me that the first time I really tried my hardest to be extra sweet to him and bite my tongue instead of saying rude things (even when I felt he was being rude I still bit my tongue). I have to admit it was very hard to just keep my mouth shut. I’m just not sure what to do. If I tell him how I feel he gets mad, but when I don’t say anything and just keep quiet he gets mad too. I love him very much, but sometimes I feel like we don’t connect. It is very hard for us to get along anymore. Sometimes we don’t even find humor in eachothers jokes. I don’t want this relationship to end, but I’m not sure how to get back to how we were in the beginning.



  92.  #92Alicia on July 14, 2011 at 10:42 am

    But I need details on how to handle expressing the anger. I am exhausted holding all this in.

    He tells me he loves me, he calls me every day at least 3 times, he texts hello every morning and at least once a day what am I doing. I do not initiate texts or calls usually…

    But I feel like the sexual part is leaving. It is long distance and he used ot want to play around on webcam and used to tell me things he was thinking and now that has stopped. I met him first tie 2 wees ago for a weekend and am scared that I should have waited on making love – maybe he lost interest.

    I am SO confused and then I start to feel anxious and scared of losing him. Then I use the tools and try to stay in the present but I cannot figure out how to address this without offending him or sounding needy.

    Last night he told me that he liked movies with a certain actress in it and she is kind of whoreish. Maybe I am not enough for him but the thing is that I am SOOO sexual and that if I just had desire from him and knew I was sexy to him I would be on fire.

    I need help !! I am going the tools… I am holding in my intensity so that I am not criticizing and all that. He is sweet and good to me but maybe I am too nice and he does not want to F me. OMG !



  93.  #93Alicia on July 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

    But I need details on how to handle expressing the anger. I am exhausted holding all this in.

    He tells me he loves me, he calls me every day at least 3 times, he texts hello every morning and at least once a day what am I doing. I do not initiate texts or calls usually…

    But I feel like the sexual part is leaving. It is long distance and he used ot want to play around on webcam and used to tell me things he was thinking and now that has stopped. I met him first tie 2 wees ago for a weekend and am scared that I should have waited on making love – maybe he lost interest.

    I am SO confused and then I start to feel anxious and scared of losing him. Then I use the tools and try to stay in the present but I cannot figure out how to address this without offending him or sounding needy.

    Last night he told me that he liked movies with a certain actress in it and she is kind of whoreish. Maybe I am not enough for him but the thing is that I am SOOO sexual and that if I just had desire from him and knew I was sexy to him I would be on fire.

    I need help !! I am going the tools… I am holding in my intensity so that I am not criticizing and all that. He is sweet and good to me but maybe I am too nice and he does not want to F me. OMG !

    He has been under stress lately.. maybe that is the issue ?



  94.  #94Alicia on July 14, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    what Terrance is saying is not what Rori is saying ? Do I get tough and bitch at a guy or do I use feeling messages ?



  95.  #95annie on December 13, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Annie asks.this is fine&dandy-but what if your dealing w/a selfish-self-absorbed-narcissistic-womanizer-that lies-cheats&steals[from me&every-1-else]that lives for porn,brings his sluts hm,to meet me,then goes to his room to party all nite[it was ours]with no reguard to my feelings-no respect shown to me at all,not to mention the major mental abuse the last 2-1/2 yrs!theres not enough rm to list all his titles!! im hurt-cryin-angry-all the time,gettin a lil-bit better=now im planning my revenge!! then i”ll move on.



  96.  #96tania on July 12, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    i love you, i love this post.