Why Are Relationships So “Hard” These Days?

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rollercoasterThe Question:

So many people are having so much difficulty finding and maintaining relationships. Why is it so hard these days? How can you say it doesn’t take work?

My Answer:

A relationship is a team.

Seems obvious, but really – it’s often the first place a relationship breaks down. Being in a relationship means giving up some of the freedom of a single life.

You don’t get to be romantic with anyone else but your partner, you don’t get to not think about anyone but yourself, you can” just come and go as you please, you give up independence for interdependence.

The work isn’t out there, in the relationship, or as so many people try to do – changing their partners – The work is in here, working with our resistance to intimacy, our need to be right.

Committing to being in a relationship means that the relationship comes first – it comes before being right, before getting to the party on time, or seeing a particular movie on a particular night.

It requires the willingness to be surprised.

To not know what your partner is going to say or do next.

To not know whether he’ll call of if he or she will stay.

For women, it takes the courage to trust ourselves, to behave as if we have the personal boundaries we need to require that anyone who wants to be in relationship with us treats us well…

…even if we don’t always feel great about ourselves, so that we can continually, moment by moment, take down the masks we all wear and share with our partner what’s underneath.

Regardless of whether or not we very much like what’s going on underneath.

What we want to practice is sharing ourselves with men, baby step by baby step.

For instance, using the basic Tool of Feeling Messages – we’re using different words than the ones we’ve become so comfortable using– new words to replace the old ones that aren’t working for us.

Then – we start to get more comfortable with our real selves.

We get our sense of humor back.

We get braver.

We start to really feel better about ourselves.

I know this works, because my own marriage – AND, my own attitude about my own self – just gets better every day.

I have all the Big Ticket items, the ability to negotiate anything, and the space to grow more and more into myself and get even closer to my husband, in the very romantic way I’ve always dreamed it’s supposed to be.

If getting there is “hard” – it’s because it feels terrifying to just “stand there” and let all these momentous waves of feeling energy wash over and through us.

Suddenly determining to allow Feelings – Feelings we’ve spent our whole lives doing everything we can to NOT feel – come through and be felt isn’t for the faint-of-heart.

And being in a relationship is where all these feelings get triggered. It’s the great “lab” of life.

Relationship is the “petri” dish in the lab of life, it’s the “medium.”

And YOU are the dish, the medium, and the equipment, all the history and science behind you, AND the scientist, too!

It’s just plain easier to go through life alone, in your room. It’s easier to have a set schedule, to never do anything new, to never challenge yourself, to never feel great things.

It’s easier to shut down, shut away, and pretend.

It’s easier to go through the motions.

It’s also easier to stay in the past, to pine over a lost or never-was love. It’s easier to mourn what “could have been” and all the “if onlies”

It’s easier to live in our heads and make stuff up – good or bad, it doesn’t matter which – than it is to surrender to whatever’s actually taking place right now.

The hard part is to accept that life works best when we don’t try to write it deliberately.

When we don’t try to control it.

When we don’t try to MAKE the movie of our lives, but instead aim to LIVE the life itself.

Relationship with others brings all this into clear focus.

There’s messy-ness. There’s other people to consider. There’s time-wasting. There’s emotional upheaval. There’s uncertainty.

Choosing relationship is choosing to let go of the reins of the horse of your life, even while you’re moving faster, and even as new kinds of turbulence, weather, and flying hooves appear all around you.

Some people can manage excitement and uncertainty “better” than others – and for the rest of us – all it takes is practice.

So – practice relationship.

Circular Date and get used to turbulence and what happens when you make what you “think” are “wrong” decisions.

Get used to uncertainty and adventure, and to answering with the truth in the MOMENT, instead of trying to figure out in advance how to manage and what to say for anything that “may” show up.

Love, Rori

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280 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 7, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Oh boy!



  2.  #2Daria on April 7, 2014 at 9:27 am

    i feel pist and frusrated

    i think the lotion on good man’s hands got on his thang thang and therefore in my nani and now my nani smells not good and i feel bummed

    now i feel scrambly to think of what to do im thinking probiotics or apple cider vinegar water douche



  3.  #3GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Sweet! Do I ever love this!

    Who said it isn’t work anyways? Ain’t easy all the time. “There’s messiness”. You betchur azz there is. And there is also glory and triumph and connection.
    Lately i’ve turned to the most successful relationships I know to kind of “see” what it takes…When you have 40 years with someone…You’re kind of guaranteed that it isn’t always going to be a breeze.

    Surrender to now. That’s all I need to know. How do I approach “now”. What IS, and how am I going to choose to experience what IS?



  4.  #4GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 9:42 am

    I went to the pool and I sat in the jacuzzi. I felt all the heat and pressure and bubbles and jets on my skin. Working away my bodies tensions and soothing my skin and muscles and bones and all the places and tissues that aren’t quite “connected” in the right way… I swam gently on my back and found relief from the heat in the cool water. I experienced joy at the rippling reflections on the ceiling. I felt “in between”. One of my favourite sensations…Where the water meets the air and the seam it creates on my skin.
    Feeling relaxed and happy and content. Feeling accomplished and thankful to myself for taking myself to a nice place to be and experience, and for helping to heal my own body.



  5.  #5Olivia on April 7, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Daria – hugs, that is the worst! It will clear up, take time and if your natural remedies don’t work after a few days you may want to try the antibiotic suppository. It’s better than a pill, imho, because it doesn’t flood your WHOLE system.

    I’m having a tough time, sirens, with my man. I am so triggered by everything and on a crying spree and so sensitive around everything that my man is in danger of becoming miserable.

    This stems from his telling me Friday night in a conersatino I initiated about monogamy based on some vague comments he had made that:
    (1) monogramy is very hard for him, and it feels strange to him to have been only sleeping with one woman for the past two years, but that he does it because he loves me and wants to be with me and that is the price of admission, and that doesn’t change that he wants a long term relationship with me;
    (2) he doesn’t “get” jealous thinking of me with another man, he just wouldn’t want to know about it, and he doesn’t even undersatnd jealousy. (He had said this before and I was suspicious he was bullshitting me, but now I am convinced he is being honest.)

    He was SUPER upset during this conversation and shut down, I know, beacuse he feels horrible about himself and something he can’t “change” (his desire for variety) and he is very afraid I will leave him.

    I am so shaken. I don’t want a relationship where I am the only one “enforcing” monogamy. Knowing I can make my man jealous has always made me feel powerful, even though I am true blue. Not having that makes me feel powerless. I feel like we are from two different universes.

    I don’t know which road to take. The road of “I’m out of here and going to find something safer” or the road of “I’m going to stick with this mostly quite good relationship of two years and face my fears and just trust and go with the flow and see what comes next.”

    I’m hurting so much. And also I’m experiencing this loss of love feeling. Like -just apathy and neediness and FEAR. I have abandonment issues up the ass from my horrible abusive family…

    Ugh!



  6.  #6GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Feeling amused right now thinking “I’m REALLY GOOD at excitement and uncertainty and letting life show up and surprise me” I’m really good at not letting old hurts haunt me and letting the past be what it is…My experience, my story, my lessons. And yet here I am still “practicing” after 4 years of stepping on this path.



  7.  #7GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 9:56 am

    (((olivia)))

    just a little perspective….

    Maybe he doesn’t understand jealousy, but if he says he “wouldn’t want to know about it”, sounds like it would likely bother him in SOME way.



  8.  #8Veronica on April 7, 2014 at 9:57 am

    This is brilliant, Rori. Thank you.

    I’m definitely noticing the shutting myself off from life actions.

    Today I went for a massage and facial, it was a treat from my sister. But the experience has changed long-held beliefs I had about myself being unattractive. And instantly I treated myself better and wanting to cuddle within myself. For so long I believed I had bad skin, that nothing would change that and that because it’s not something I can hide it would always be an obstacle to someone getting close. Now I just want to take care of me. But what happens inside of me when the beauty therapist didn’t agree with my beliefs – so powerful. What if I started not agreeing with my own beliefs about love and relationships and success being difficult? Would I believe me?



  9.  #9Iris on April 7, 2014 at 10:20 am

    This post came at a very appropriate time.

    I’m feeling lots of stuff, ladies. Can someone share their feelings too?

    So I got into a committed relationship about 2 months ago, and now I’m struggling with feeling insecure…and I can’t put my finger on why. My boyfriend’s great, and he always tells me that he loves me and that I’m beautiful. But it happens like clockwork…right after my period I feel MAJORLY insecure and ugly.

    Then I start to feel like my heart is closing up, and I don’t want my boyfriend to see me insecure. I start to feel very uncomfortable with myself; and therefore uncomfortable with intimacy.

    All I can do is circular date (which to me is dating myself, and treatibg myself to things that make me feel good), and using feeling messages; but lately I still feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like I want to run away and be alone, because that feels safe. I’m baby-stepping the whole relationship thing, but I feel helpless, and that I’m getting nowhere.



  10.  #10Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Rori, Yes! “Get used to uncertainty and adventure, and to answering with the truth in the MOMENT” – This post speaks to me!

    I’ve been meditating lately on “They say a man controls the direction of a relationship and a woman the depth”. It makes me feel powerful about dating and less apprehensive of moving towards being a team with equally important roles to offer. My role is me, its feeling, its being open and honest and real, its making my home and career and financial situation secure; and its filling up my life with love and beauty. My most important job seems to be to drop my guard. Even the little ones.

    Ninja is making no effort to hide his feelings for me and I’m feeling more comfortable with my bravery. All the practice I’ve put in over the last 4 months has been worth every difficult moment.



  11.  #11Olivia on April 7, 2014 at 11:00 am

    @Glowstix – thank you. That occurred to me too. Your comment made me realize I had a dream about a hot tub last night! I think it was my subconcsious trying to get me to relax all my tension….Hot tubs really are magical.



  12.  #12Indigo on April 7, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Iris,

    I VERY much empathise with you.

    Being in a real relationship is very triggering for me – it’s kind of like “whoah, this is real now”. It’s not play-play any more, and I think the fear of both opening yourself and “messing it up” can be very powerful.

    Like you, I have the same urge to withdraw and be alone, and the same tendency to think I’m not getting anywhere.

    All I can say really is, have patience with yourself. Celebrate every moment which feels like growth and progress, and be as gentle and praising with yourself as you can.

    I love this post because it urges us to be in the moment, rather than worrying about the future or living in the past. Each moment is new.



  13.  #13Dominique on April 7, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Iris – 9 – It’s not so unusual to feel low when your hormones shift, yet this is seemingly deeper when you’re describing.

    That you have awareness around what you’re feeling and how you’re behaving means you’ve made huge strides. With awareness you can accomplish/change/shift anything.

    So how about challenging yourself by allowing vulnerability? How about being open about your feelings of discomfort, insecurity, and fear? How about asking for a hug?

    You may not want to do this all the time, yet from time to time when the feelings overwhelm, try this. You might feel surprised at how open and receptive he might be, how wanting to make you feel better.

    xxoo



  14.  #14Sophie on April 7, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Hello lovely ladies – it seems ages since I popped by and here you all are being lovely and soft as always x the loveliness just floats off the page x It’s like a soft landing x My life hasn’t been soft it’s been hard hard hard and I’ve kind of disassociated I’v been partly very busy and partly shutting right down as a survival mechanism – just surviving x I still have CDB in my home but hopefully not for much longer x there’s court dates and things in the not so distant future but hopefully he’ll go soon – he’s suggesting maybe even this week fingers-crossed – the environment is really toxic and then I am not very productive x my home is my sanctuary but it doesn’t feel much like it right now x I’ve started to go out a bit more and it’s like a gradual remembering of who I am or at least who I was before I felt so ground down and nasty x I loads of attention from men always when I go out and i feel surprised for a moment – I’ve forgotten all my siren-ness x One said the other day ‘you’re awesome, do you feel awesome?’ and I thought it was funny – I’d forgotten ‘being liked’ by someone! I said I felt worn out most of the time. I’m looking forward to the gentle unfolding of myself when this nightmare situation is passed x I’m looking forward to the simple happy x I hope you are all well and things are going good xxx



  15.  #15Daria on April 7, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Olivia – thank you so much! your comment made me feel bright 🙂

    (((((((((((((((Olivia))))))))))))))



  16.  #16Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Sophie it feels so good to hear from you and I am happy to hear that things will finally be shifting for you with B moving out. Love to you XO



  17.  #17Sophie on April 7, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    Ah thank you Kyla it feels warm and smiley to be welcomed – howre things for you? xx



  18.  #18Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Oh its feeling yummy in Kyla-land, Sophie! Thanks for asking! I had a near meltdown a few weeks ago which brought on huge breakthroughs and changes for me and now I’m on the upswing and have a delicious new man asking to be my beau 🙂



  19.  #19Sophie on April 7, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    yay kyla that sounds great im due some breakthroughs!!! xxx



  20.  #20Iris on April 7, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    #12 @ Indigo, thanks for sharing! It feels good to know I am not alone in feeling that way.

    #13 @ Dominique, thanks! Today i went to your blog today and read a few of your articles, and felt much better. Mainly I read the one about romantic triggers (though I had read that one before), and the one on how much you should tell your man. 😀



  21.  #21GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Olivia-

    I am so lucky to have my mom and dad close by with a pool, hot tub, and sauna in their building. There is usually no one there…It is such a relaxing escape 🙂



  22.  #22Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Every single man that I’ve been out with in the last weeks has cursed on our date. My date over the weekend cursed like a sailor. I think he thought he was being hip and cool but it was really a turnoff. Anyone else having this issue come up and any suggestions for how to deal with it?



  23.  #23Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Hmmm, wondering if I could say something *before* we meet that cursing is a turnoff to me? Or would that be weird and feel like a turnoff to them like i’m laying down rules or something?



  24.  #24Dominique on April 7, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Iris – 20 – Oh good. I feel delighted you feel better. 🙂

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  25.  #25Dominique on April 7, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Liquid Light – How about addressing it in the moment, and say what you said here. – I feel turned off by cursing. OR Cursing turns me off.

    Those two words have huge impact on most men – turn off – They DO NOT want to turn you off.

    xxoo



  26.  #26Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    I just put something in my profile about it. Feeling better about it now! 🙂



  27.  #27GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    I wrote in my journal today…It felt liberating. I just love talking with myself and expressing freely and knowing it is only for me.

    Right now I feel a bit tense. I’m sunk into “rushing” energy. purposely slowing myself down and reminding myself not to take that energy with me to meeting up with J.

    I guess some sirens may not know me, so a short story…J is my lover, my best friend, my boyfriend. We’ve been together now going on 4 years. He’s a solid, masculine guy. Treats me like a princess (or so he professes lol- i’m inclined to agree). He’s like…That shadow man I knew I would end up with, after I left a very toxic marriage.
    I don’t really make life easy for him lol (i’m challenging) but there he is, every day, sticking around. 🙂 I may not give him enough credit on a regular basis…So…*credit credit credit* lol

    Today we have some errands to run so he’s going to buy dinner if I pick him up from work. A huge part of what feels like “our success” is our system of give and give back.

    Ok now i’ve killed too much time to call it “slowing down”.

    Have a fabulous one xxx



  28.  #28Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Ooh if its happening all the time and bothering you LL I’d say its showing up to give you the opportunity to say something and state your turn off. That’s what I’ve found with my CDs anyway. I’d definitely say something when it happens or even wince the first time and say something like “I feel uncomfortable around cursing or cursing feels aggressive to me” if it happened again? I wouldn’t say anything in advance just respond truthfully as it happens.

    I have no issue with cursing but manners is a must have and once I’ve said to men that use their phones during dates, don’t get out of the car to meet me, etc, I find I don’t get that anymore. I also notice the men around me now are so gentlemanly and even though they do curse on occasion they immediately apologise to me 😀 I like that kind of old fashioned respect that they know they are in ‘polite company’ lol



  29.  #29Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Dominique, for some reason, it feels really challenging to me to say something in the moment, like really awkward…I dunno, like its jarring and just really interrupts the flow or something, but I guess I should try it…ughh, I just wish this wasn’t coming up over and over again. The man who cursed like a sailor is an attorney at an investment banking firm! Bet he doesn’t curse like that around his clients!



  30.  #30Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    Kyla,

    I have no issue with cursing but manners is a must have and once I’ve said to men that use their phones during dates, don’t get out of the car to meet me, etc, I find I don’t get that anymore.

    How do you go about this?

    PS: congrats on your awesome date! sounds fantastic! 🙂



  31.  #31Violette on April 7, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Over the weekend I got a last minute job to make some money, it wiped me out and I cancelled a date with P. We rescheduled for tonight, but he lives outside the city and wanted me to take a train out to him tonight for our third date, and said he’d drive me home. I said I feel better staying close to home in the beginning and it feels more romantic, so he rescheduled for Thurs. I guess he was really tired tonight too, but I feel really disappointed ! What about my Mon night?

    The truth is I am beyond exhausted and it’s probably for the best. What am I complaining about, it’s a godsend.

    I feel disappointed though, that he’s asking me to pay to take a train to come to him, this early on. He’s 20 years older than me and it feels like he’s taking me for granted. And now I feel bossy too, like no you have to come to me.

    I’d enjoy coming to him if he wanted to pick me up or something…

    Sometimes I feel like the last old fashioned female on the planet. How do I feel more confidence around this stuff?



  32.  #32Helena Hart on April 7, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Olivia – 5 – I feel for you! I’ve been in a similar situation, and I know how hard that is.

    It sounds like you’re feeling “stuck” when you say: “I don’t know which road to take. The road of “I’m out of here and going to find something safer” or the road of “I’m going to stick with this mostly quite good relationship of two years and face my fears and just trust and go with the flow and see what comes next.”

    It makes sense that you’d be feeling fear and pain and neediness if you feel like you only have those two options, neither of which feel ideal to you.

    You might want to look into trying a version of Rori’s “Third Way” – where you give yourself a timeline to do these tools full out to give this relationship it’s best shot of working out in a way that feels good to you, while also Circular Dating the world at the same time.

    Love, Helena



  33.  #33Dominique on April 7, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Liquid Light – 29 – If it’s been coming up repeatedly, then there is likely a lesson here for you begging to be learned. It will keep showing up otherwise.

    xxoo



  34.  #34Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    yeah, maybe, and I think its just men being men. They do what they do and get by with as little as possible unless they feel inspired to step up. so on one level I think its normal guy behavior, and I don’t really think its me, it makes me feel odd to think that way and i don’t really believe that. but I do think that its up to us to teach men how to treat us. Besides the cursing, my date over the weekend was pretty awesome (in terms of his behavior and how he was treating me). I just don’t think he knows how much his cursing can turn women off but on the other hand I’m sure lots of women are perfectly fine with it. There were other things about him though that didn’t sit right with me so maybe on some level I just didn’t feel like it was worth it to mention anything to him….



  35.  #35Daria on April 7, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Violette – I’d feel majorly off if a man rescheduled with me last minute after asking me to take a train to him :/



  36.  #36Daria on April 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    i feel terrified that hte only way i’ll have a succesful relationship is if i use my masculine energy like i see GlowStix doing

    and i feel bummed with that. i just don’t want that
    i don’t want to pick him up or all that uffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

    i feel low self esteem insecurity that i’ll never have what i want

    that iw ant too much

    that i am not going to be appreciated without my boy energy being taxed and used

    i feel scared…

    if i had gotten out of a marriage that felt awful then i might want to use some of my masculine energy to protect myself and not really get too deep into my feminine energy, or a lifetime commitment

    maybe a super masculine man who could be a good bestfriend lover boyfriend would fit for me,

    and what i want feels like not that to me

    i was gonna say more but really its not that at all

    because that would seem like alevel of comfort that would feel just right

    whereas right now for me would feel like, well i wouldnt even accept it

    i want to get married get moving and building and get to babymaking pronto



  37.  #37Daria on April 7, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    triggered

    I do not want to be going to work and talking about my boyfriend conection

    i feel TERRIFIED of this

    beca i feel drained and heavy anc losed in by the thought of that – highschool boyfriend

    NOT growing to magical lala deep land… fast

    NOT launching powerfully into my dream

    but just boringness with someone i do not want i do not want :/

    i want this intensely unique spiritual life of hugeness and creation

    universe why are you showing me these bf gf couples who are going through their lives seemingly not interested in changing much or getting any more ‘intense’ or transformational ?



  38.  #38Daria on April 7, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    i keep thinking that these people are holding themselves back from wanting more and believing they can have it.

    why am i so invested in thinking about what they might want?

    ti feels sad and frustrating to me to see them not express desires for more….

    why?

    and i beat myself up for this – it is NOT ok to be in anyones business. it is not ok to ‘judge’ which this is

    which is really fear of a defense coming my way: ‘oh daria blah blah pleasantries, i really like it this way actually, blah blah ‘everyon’s different’ blah blah pleasantries’

    which —-> Daria sadness

    i feel pist off!!!!!!!



  39.  #39Daria on April 7, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    it would feel pretty awesome to feel really GOT by a guy, and having him show up everyday…

    BUT WHAT ABOUT MY SUper SUNSET that i want NOW!

    the excitement of the polarization,

    the drama of NOT doing the efficient thing and instead requiring the romantic thing

    and the MAGIC of transforming into a forever spirit and conceiving children

    i woudl liek to see this happening around me more and how to inspire more safety to desire spiritual growth thank you !



  40.  #40RileyTheOwl on April 7, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Hi ladies, wow it’s been awhile. This post is a huge sigh in the middle of an emotional turmoil. I feel so upset, ahh sooo triggered.



  41.  #41Daria on April 7, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    so triggered with sadness with thsi

    🙁

    beating up on myself for ‘always throwing judgments in there’

    to express myself fullly

    feeling really frustrtated

    feeling sad



  42.  #42April Rose on April 7, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    I’m able to embrace “excitement and uncertainty” so long as I can feel a warm masculine energy coming towards me.
    That feels so delicious and effortless.
    It gives me space to relax and be more of myself.



  43.  #43prplpsn28 on April 7, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    🙂



  44.  #44Violette on April 7, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Daria thanks for the point of view, I feel heard. I also hear all the things you are posting about and hope you feel better and get what you want, because I want those things too.



  45.  #45Tereana on April 7, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Oh yes. I love this post, too, and it was really timely for me, and connects to a lot of the things that have been on my mind.

    Glowstix, I bet you would love floating!! I am a water person, too, and I just love how it relaxes me. I am so sad I don’t live near a float tank facility. I really miss it!



  46.  #46ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Femininewoman thank you for making me think about what worrying is really doing for me/to me.
    I feel it making me sick and tired. I feel like it is useless and that in any case i am only making up stories in my head … if i leanback he will show me what he can give me even though i believe it is/was the wrong time to ask me to be in a relationship with him given he has this past month focused most of his attention on finishing his degree. I also feel a lot of pressure from friends but i feel lonely too and i feel like i dont know how to feel satisfied without a companion.



  47.  #47Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Liquid Light – I’ve been CDing my ass off and had so many interactions with men that I lost the fear of speaking up. I just started saying it or the first time I might just have a body language reaction like wincing or putting my hand on my heart and deep exhale. I figured if what the guy was doing was a turn off, I won’t want to see him again anyway so why not practice saying “I don’t like that, I feel uncomfortable with..”. I just kept it super simple. The man would change or not. If not, then my turned off feeling was confirmed and I could move on. It was difficult and usually disappointing. BUT that’s the practice. The really interesting thing is that the next guy wouldn’t have that particular ‘flaw’. And clearing up that trigger for me seems to be how each new man was far better than the last. Sometimes its easier to bite our tongue and walk away but if it keeps showing up its time to do something about it so we can move on to better rather than more of the same. I’ve been keeping a CD diary and I can actually see how this worked every single time so I’m a believer. HTH honey, big hugs!



  48.  #48GlowStix on April 7, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Yes, Daria…That is judging me.
    As if I want what you want. As if I don’t already have what I want. But that’s your stuff, not mine, and I know you know that.



  49.  #49April Rose on April 7, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    The ‘danger’ for me when reading these types of posts from Rori, is that I start to think that I should be able to make any relationship work.

    What I need to identify is – have I given my relationship its best chance?

    Or have I failed?

    Have I messed up with, as Rori puts it, “our resistance to intimacy, our need to be right”?



  50.  #50April Rose on April 7, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    Two days ago, after so long working with the tools, I at last experienced masculine energy coming towards me in a beautiful-feeling way.

    And it wasn’t my partner.



  51.  #51Tereana on April 7, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Ok, noticing a couple things..first of all, a lot of us have guys here! That is so yay! I mean, I feel like that’s a shift from most of us being single. At least for me, it is. I’ve been practicing the tools for years. And for me, too, I only now have a man in my my life that I would call my boyfriend or partner or “man.” Hooray!

    And secondly, I notice that a lot of us are running into issues and feeling insecure with our new (or not as new) men. I’m thinking there must be something in the energetic field that is happening, as I’ve heard astrologers and energy workers, and all types of people talk about that, and I wonder if that’s affecting us. I do believe that we can be sensitive to energies around us that we aren’t necessarily aware of. Which is not an excuse not to take responsibility. Rather, I would see that as a very good opportunity to stay present in the moment and see “what is.”

    Now, as for me, what’s coming up is more thoughts on S. My body just remembers how good he felt to me, and how happy that made me, even if there was no “future” with him, and he was dead set on neither pairing up permanently, not having children. But then I’m thinking, physical comfort, pleasure is important to me. I believe it’s important to everyone. What kind of mother would I be if I was not physically happy and comfortable and consistently pleased by my partner? Seriously, it was like static cling. Our bodies just “liked” each other, regardless of what we told ourselves was good. And the effect on me was very positive. I don’t always (read: almost never) feel that way about sex. It was easy for me to surrender. It is challenging with almost everyone else, including M, who is my Man, who *does* want a relationship and *does* want kids, and even though he’s not as “charged” for me in the bedroom area, he does turn me on, and he’s really good at loving me in other ways that I want.

    But it is still a challenge to “stay present.” He doesn’t always do things the way I like. He’s not good at all about planning ahead – precisely because he *is* in the moment. And I find this uncertainly very challenging. Which I realized today is because I face so much uncertainty in almost every area of my life right now: what job/career should I be working on? Will I ever find the way for me to not just repair the damage, but really excel at creating a good financial life for myself? Where will I live, and when will I be able to move out of my mother’s house, because I feel miserable there, but I can’t afford to live anywhere else right now?

    All of these questions just swimming on my mind. I am inundated and completely immersed in uncertainty already, and, quite frankly, I believe I tolerate it much better than many people I know. I don’t even have health insurance. I don’t have a car. I make less than poverty level wages. Yet I don’t believe that these outward makers define me, nor my potential. In fact, I feel there is a large mis-match there. I desire to close that gap so that the outside matches what I feel on the inside. It feels like such a big shift, though I know it has to come in small movements.

    Anyway, this post spoke to me, because I had been wondering again: is M even right for me? What if I end up not happy with him? What if sex after marriage is not good? Should I tell S how I am feeling?

    Oh my, that thought both scares and excites me. I know I would never cheat on M. I care about him too much. But I feel so bad, lying in bed, cuddling with M, and a thought of S will pop up. Then I’ll feel guilty, like maybe he can feel that thought somehow.

    But I don’t want to tell him. The only person to tell would be S. And with no intention of anything, just to say it. S has been supportive of the relationship. But part of me wishes he would just say, “no, I want you too much.”

    Yet all of that is a fantasy. It doesn’t make sense to leave a good partner for essentially a bad bet. I’m not going to do it.

    Choosing relationship right now means knowing that M is really there for me, and he’s here right now. He’s offering me exactly what I want in so many ways. He works at the relationship and he comes through. S has his own issues. He would not be perfect either. My feelings just may be a way for me to hide a fear of intimacy and the insecurity that comes up with that. It’s easier to say “maybe that other guy is better” than to face the gaping reality that I’m scared as sh*t to open up to this man I barely know, and who wants to know me, in all my imperfect ways. It’s a scary business. Maybe it’s only easy for me to surrender to S because I know that he doesn’t really want me. He’s “safe.” But he’s never volunteered to be “my man.” In fact, he’s stepped out of the way for someone else…



  52.  #52Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    (((Daria))) All the ‘other’ people stuff is like a menu of various choices helping you get clearer on what you want. Its good to notice and choose but it usually feels heavy hearted and disappointing to me when I keep looking at the things I don’t want after I’ve made my choice. My spirits lift straight back up when I look for examples of what I do want and know I’ll find them. And when I feel happiness and love and celebration for others who have what they want even if its far removed from my ideal.



  53.  #53Tereana on April 7, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Oh, I was going to say that, with all the uncertainty in my life right now, I am really craving stability from M. It’s not fair for me to expect that from him. But I know that, right now, it would feel really, really good if something in my life was stable and trustworthy and supportive. Maybe he is that already, and I am just having trouble feeling it.

    Hm…I like how this is helping me to think about this…



  54.  #54Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    Kyla 47 Thanks for that, it is great food for thought! 🙂



  55.  #55Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    So Ninja initiated the exclusive talk this evening when we met up to go for a run after work, he hinted at it many times this weekend. I gave the no boyfriend speech and he said my timeline and comfort was paramount so he’s ok with that and joked that he’d just have to ensure he keeps booking up all my time so that it was a non-issue but he would like the title anyway if I felt comfortable with that.

    It lead us into this deep conversation about our kids, not wanting more but wanting marriage, what kind of marriage, our family values, career and future plans and we both kind of laid out on the table what we need and what makes us happy and it was so easy and open like I was chatting with a girlfriend about our dreams. Then he pulled me in for a big kiss and squeeze and said this feels so good and I smiled and said yes it does. I feel happy to see where this leads us.



  56.  #56Luzydel on April 7, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    This post kind hit home…

    I am so afraid of real intimacy that end up choosing men with demanding jobs and little time for me.
    Truth is that I do not want to sacrifice time for them either, but end up doing it anyway because I end up emotionally invested at the end.

    Deep within I do want that relationship, but I put so many things in the way, so I don’t really get it. Truth is that maybe the right man has crossed me a few times and I have been unable to see him…

    I stay home alone without human contact; I have been doing that lately; even Cding myself ha become tedious. I am clamming up; It is had to be vulnreable to myself; to admit and get in touch with those things I do not like so much about me…



  57.  #57Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    I think one of the reasons that relationships are hard is that men are getting inundated with attention from women, at least in the area where I live. I see this happening over and over again. I had a guy who wanted to get together and the best he could do was asking me out for “coffee or something”. Wow, I’m just so flattered! Bleh!



  58.  #58Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    Oh yeah I hate that! Haha for me I have to laugh it off. When I get low effort offers I usually feel instant disinterest and then I sometimes just use the opportunity to flirt for fun! Since my interest has waned, I may as try to have fun seen as I’m here right now. If it still feels too little effort for my liking then I can say oh thank you but I don’t feel we’re a match. It was nice to meet you. smile and leave. It feels wonderful and truthful and I think men feel my vibe because quality skyrocketed and its super fun.

    giggle.. Ohhh (his name)! Are you asking me for a date? Thank you! I feel so smiley. I don’t want to meet for coffee though. It feels too businessy. wrinkle nose up. What do you think? big smile and then I just flirt and can laugh about it when I get home if it didn’t get any better than ‘..or something’ lol



  59.  #59Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    I love when I get flirty like that and I feel really powerful and the guy is suddenly tripping up all over the place trying to step up and sometimes he fumbles and I feel all gooey again that he’s trying to impress me even if badly and we can flirt for as long as this feels enjoyable. And I love using feeling messages for flirting and being a little fun and teasing because I’m being honest and real too. Just delivering it in a more enjoyable way lol. I miss working on plays. I love being surrounded by actors and raw emotions and fun. I feel so light and expansive in my chest thinking about this and my body feels heavy and warm and deep into the chair.



  60.  #60Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I want to produce things again. I want to be surrounded by creativity. I want to feel the passion and joy of making things and working with so many different people and talent and the ideas flowing on one big team project. I still don’t know how to make time with my work and kids and life but that’s what I want. I had that with R. That’s why it hurt so bad to think of doing it anymore. He took my joy out of it. But it was our relationship. I can still have my plays. I can figure out how to make it work with my new life too. Ooooh I feel tingly exciting and warm currents.



  61.  #61Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    I feel happy I have healed my relationship with dad too since all that. I used to use all the tools but still agree to suck it up for the good of the team.. I feel happy and proud of myself that I said no and kept saying no even when I knew it would put an end to the way we were. And it hurt so bad. And we got through it and its just as good as before but actually even better now. I gave it up to save my relationship with them and I saved mine with me too. It was the catalyst I needed. Its just taken me so long to accept the changes I didn’t feel ready or willing to make.



  62.  #62Kyla on April 7, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    Mmmm I don’t feel resentment about that anymore. That feels surprising and calming.



  63.  #63ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    What types of things do u like creating ? I love painting and drawing i feel like its sooo freeing !!



  64.  #64ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    63 @ kyla 🙂



  65.  #65ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    And what programs have u used of rori’s ???



  66.  #66Amazed on April 7, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Suddenly determining to have feelings come through and be felt isn’t for the faint of heart.
    So true!! I have been the one to shut down and pretend. So grateful for L who won’t let me no matter how scared and uncertain I am about speaking my truth.



  67.  #67Amazed on April 7, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Suddenly determining to allow feelings come through and be felt isn’t for the faint of heart.
    So true!! I feel grateful to L for not letting me shut down and shut him out like I used to with my ex to protect myself. It feels scary but good at the same time.



  68.  #68Tereana on April 7, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Choosing relationship also means…maybe relaxing my ideas about what and how things are supposed to happen. Maybe accepting that plans won’t unfold exactly the way I want and expect. That maybe doing something in the moment isn’t a bad thing. And that if he wants me with him for something, he’ll ask.

    I keep leaning forward because I’m afraid that if I don’t he actually won’t ask me to join him for anything. I am pretty certain, at least intellectually, that this is not true. But fear is driving this behavior and my feelings about it. And it’s making up stories: if he doesn’t do x, then he doesn’t love me.

    Fear drives out love, or at least makes it hard to flourish. Weirdly, I feel kind of secure that I’m not losing him over all this. But it’s still up to me to relax. He actually can’t do that fit me. Haha. And feeling secure about that means I actually can relax…I still do want the best relationship possible. I just can’t achieve that if I’m all tense. Let me keep reminding myself of that….



  69.  #69ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    I feel what u are feeling tereanna ! I lean forward out of fear too even though they have showed me they are capable of making contact and plans with me yet as soon as something doesnt go my way i feel like i must initiate or do something and this time i am determined not to let my insecurities get tome or let other people pressure me into giving my bf an ultimatum .. i know he is really busy with finishing his thesis but i dont know that for sure nevertheless it is his business not mine and he will come back around once he is done with HIS BUSINESS (or maybe he wont… see kts that doubt that pushes me to take action ! )



  70.  #70Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Wow, Kyla, you go girl! 🙂

    I got two new dresses. They are super feminine and sexy. They make me feel good. I can’t wait to wear them!

    One is a magenta boucle with a lace cut out in the front on top and curves down in between the breasts. Its very tight (and yikes i’ve gained weight so need to get my weight back down). The other is a purple sleeveless flowly dress, the bottom is loose flowly light material that swishes when you walk. I’d love to do dancing in it. I also got new heels, they are stilettos with a shiny satin material and delicate thin straps that intertwine. Very feminine.



  71.  #71ArabianLove on April 7, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    I have told him what i want and he has told me understands its hard for me but that he must focus on his final month left for his degree . He told me this too when we started … if i stopped talking to u a while to focus on my work when i came back would u still be there … hmmm he has told me from the beginning yet i have trouble trusting due to past experiences 🙁
    A close friend tells me if he doesnt have any time for u then leave him and tell him like it is … basically give him an ultimatum bjt i cant … i want to see what he does of his own initiative!



  72.  #72Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    oh shoot, shoulda used this…love it, thanks Kyla!

    giggle.. Ohhh (his name)! Are you asking me for a date? Thank you! I feel so smiley. I don’t want to meet for coffee though. It feels too businessy. wrinkle nose up. What do you think?



  73.  #73Turquoise on April 7, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    (((((sirens))))) Thank you for all the support and kind words. Today, I feel a little better… a little less foggy.. a little more stable. I still miss him. But despite a few tears with songs on the radio, and a card I received in the mail, I actually feel a little more like myself. Off to bed, sweet dreams!



  74.  #74Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    Whoa, coffee or something really stepped up! He just asked me out on a proper date at a nice wine bar even suggesting some really good wines we can drink together! Wow, this feely stuff works! 🙂



  75.  #75Indigo on April 7, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    GlowStix 48,

    I think you’re awesome.

    For the record, the relationships which have felt and worked the best *for me* are where there has been a small amount of what might be classified as masculine energy, ie. giving, on my part. Mostly I am in feminine mode, but it’s not 100%. It satisfies that need or desire in me to stay a little invested or interested or tuned in to my partner and it feels good.

    It’s all about what you want and what works for you and makes you happy… I admire people who have managed to create relationships for themselves based on that alone.

    x



  76.  #76Indigo on April 7, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    Yesterday, I had an ex-boyfriend tell me that he never felt more than a parenthesis to me. I knew he was right so I wasn’t upset with him, but it triggered off a deeper thought process. It made me wonder if any guy in my life will be more than that to me in this stage of my life.

    I haven’t been able to fall in love recently. I have been doing my duty by the guys I’ve been dating (I know that sounds terrible, but really I’ve been getting a lot of pleasure out of it!) and whilst I have experienced so many wonderful gifts, I haven’t been doing it for love.

    hm.



  77.  #77Veronica on April 7, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    I feel nervous about being open and all about my feelings – old patterns of opening up and being mocked, derided, ignored are coming up. But also I’m very afraid of someone being interested, becoming interested.



  78.  #78Liquid Light on April 7, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Indigo, you’re in S Africa, I believe. How’s the Pistorius trial playing out there? Just curious to get your perspective (if you feel like it.)



  79.  #79Millie on April 8, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Aw Sophie!
    So good to see you posting.
    I’m sorry to hear life is rough right now and that you forgot how it feels to be liked. Big hugs to you, what goes down, must go up…life always takes a turn for the better. xo



  80.  #80Millie on April 8, 2014 at 12:22 am

    I took my mom out to breakfast on Saturday for her birthday. Not living at home has really helped our relationship and now spending time together feels so special and I look forward to it. I told her about how I’ve been feeling about men. She’s my mom and thinks I’m amazing, so she doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, just that I don’t need to. There’s no reason for me to feel less than or seek any man’s approval. She said it was good I recognized the tightness in my chest and that perhaps since Mechanic possesses some similar characteristics to my ex, that this is my body feeling triggered in a negative way. That if I met a completely different man who was very different, I wouldn’t be triggered in the same way. Which makes sense….I’m definitely dwelling on this guy and this trigger a lot more than I do any others. He posted on facebook the other day that since he’s getting older he thinks about settling down, maybe having a kid, but then realizes he can’t even find his keys. It stung to read that….and I felt angry at myself for feeling stung. First of all, I don’t even know if I’d even want that with him, I don’t even know if I’d be happy, so WHY DO I CARE? Do you hear that heart? Stop caring!
    I don’t want to talk about him anymore…



  81.  #81Millie on April 8, 2014 at 12:34 am

    In other news…this guy who DOES want a relationship with me asked if he could send me his match profile so I could read it and give him tips! Since he isn’t having much success. I have zero desire to date this guy, not even for practice, sorry, there is just no way. I ask him what kind of girl he’s looking for and he tells me “smart, pretty, you know, just look in the mirror.” Wow…ok….
    He started off his profile referencing Dr. Who, which I do not watch and completely turned me off because it appears he is looking to date someone who is a Dr.Who fan and if you aren’t, well then you are second best. Since he asked my opinion I gave it to him. I told him tv shows have nothing to do with long term compatibility and that he’s excluding a lot of women out by referencing it. This guy is too dorky for me, but I know there are women out there that will love that…so I didn’t tell him that.

    This other guy that is actually one of Mechanic’s good friends has started to pay attention to me. He never really used to, but it feels nice to be noticed even though I’m not interested in him at all. He complimented my beauty, bought me a drink last night and invited me to this group dinner and text me after saying he hopes I come. It feels good to be included. He actually asked me what is my top quality is I like in a guy? I said ambition. I like a man who is driven and always growing, and who works with his hands. Then he joked with me about how my dream man is a lumberjack. haha…not too far from the truth actually..haha



  82.  #82Veronica on April 8, 2014 at 1:33 am

    When I think of how I should reply to BM – it’s more out of politeness (he did ask a question). But even when I begin, I just feel uninspired, as in ‘there are so many other people in the world and replying to him seems like doing paperwork’. I like my disinterest, it’s new for me. There’s also repulsion, not a strong one in terms of dislike, more of wanting to be very distant.

    BearCD isn’t confirming plans as yet. I am so glad I chose not to be invested in him.



  83.  #83ArabianLove on April 8, 2014 at 3:07 am

    If a man is telling you he is withdrawing for a specific reason i get that i should listen to him but should i trust that specific reason… i am realizing that worrying and TRUST are issues for bc of past relationships where i have been “played” … i have been triggered a couple times by my bf lashed out out of the blue poor guy lol and then explained why i was feeling the way i was 🙂
    Feeling happy today and im smiling effortlessly 🙂



  84.  #84ArabianLove on April 8, 2014 at 3:27 am

    Still sticking with not doing anything and letting him come to me when he is available ! Trying not to take any if this personally as he told me him being distant has nothibg to do with me and all to do with stress and school… hummm



  85.  #85Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 5:24 am

    @ ArabianLove I love working in theatre and producing plays, making props, costumes, special effects, makeup, set design, directing, marketing, stage management.. I kind of just throw myself in and get involved with all of it. I used to do it fulltime, then part time but the last one I did was July and I really miss it.

    I have all of Rori’s progams. I bought the ebook 4 years ago when I was in a relationship already. When we broke up in November I treated myself to the full collection and have been using them all.



  86.  #86Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 5:34 am

    So the things I’ve been struggling with lately are sort of encapsulated in this post.

    I remember, when I met my now-ex, that I was at the point where I’d decided I just wasn’t all that interested in a relationship. I hadn’t met anyone that was worth the work, to put it bluntly.

    The challenge for me now is different… I need to internalize the absolute fact that I’m the one who’s worth the work I need to do in a relationship… not the other person. That really crystallized for me, reading this post.

    At the same time, I’ve begun to really realize what a patriarchal society actually means. What it really, truly, on a deep level means for us as women.

    This is why we struggle so much with so many things. We’re given men’s solutions for everything!

    — We are told to lose weight in a man’s way. When we follow the “less in, more out” rule, men lose weight like it’s trying to escape… while we women end up yo-yoing and so hungry we can’t stand ourselves.

    I’ve begun a new diet. I eat extremely restricted carbs during the week- Atkins style. But then on the weekends, I eat anything I’ve wanted but couldn’t have during the week. Ho-hos? Yes! Cookies? Yes! Cheesecake? Yes! As high carb as I can stuff down my gullet.

    I’m losing between 1-3 pounds PER WEEK. That’s not per month. That’s not per YEAR (Like it was on the man’s diet)… that is seriously PER FREAKING WEEK.

    A man’s weight loss strategy did NOT WORK FOR ME. Of course it didn’t-I’m not a man! Men’s bodies don’t have the radical fluctuations that ours do, but they also don’t have babies to “think” about and protect… so their long-term starvation diet doesn’t have the same impact that it does on us!

    — We’re taught men’s spirituality and way of being… “It’s better to give than receive.”

    But what if it’s not our job to give? What if it’s our job to balance out THEIR giving? Because who can give if no one will accept?

    And what if all of the teachings that “women cannot reach enlightenment” are TRUE?! What if… what if we aren’t supposed to REACH it at all, just ACCEPT it??

    — We’re taught a man’s method of gaining money. Get up, go, do, work, act… what if our method is supposed to be different? I haven’t discovered this one yet, but I know that so far, the man’s method has only led me to struggle and deep pain in this area, like weight loss or spirituality.

    — We’re taught a man’s way of being in relationships! Fix! Do! Give! Act!

    Rori has really helped me see a lot of how I’ve been following the rules for men. Because there has been this assumption all along (and it’s actually GROWING from the women’s movement!) that women are just men with tits.

    What if we’re not? What if we’re our own creature? What if our bodies need a new method of weight loss? What if our spirits need a new method of nurturing? What if we need a different approach to money? What if we need a new view of relationships?

    What if instead of accepting ourselves as men with tits… we started searching for our own answers that fit our bodies, our way of thinking, our spiritual progression, our financial world-view, our relationship role?

    The more I’m in this, the more I’m realizing that everything I know is from a man’s perspective… I am “honest” from a man’s blunt perspective “Yes, honey, your butt looks flat in that.” I’m trying to “attain” oneness from a man’s doing perspective. I’m trying to gain money from a man’s perspective. I was trying to lose weight a man’s way.

    But I’m not a man.

    I’m not even a man with tits.

    And I’ve tried REALLY hard to be a man with tits. I’m done with that. I’m making a new choice now.

    And part of that means… I’m going to see myself as the one who’s worth the work!!



  87.  #87Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 5:37 am

    @ Liquid ight – woohoo for coffee guy stepping up! I love your new clothes! I’ve put on weight with all the dating this winter too lol!

    @ Arabian Love – if he’s finishing his masters I would trust that his focus really needs to be elsewhere for this time and take the opportunity to do my own stuff. Are there other reasons why you feel untrusting or are you just feeling insecure with the lack of attention while he studies? You can set a date in your head for when he’s finished with school and if things haven’t changed then I would suggest you should consider opening up your options and letting him know you like him but you aren’t getting what you need to be exclusive with him. I always trust first and walk second 🙂



  88.  #88Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Mmm Millie I’m pretty nerdy and love DrWho lol he sounds yum but I need lots of other things too! I’m actually looking for an intellectual, who is career driven, likes to create fun, is sporty, outdoorsy, works with his hands, can cook, a gentlemen and very affectionate.

    Ninja hits the list. He introduced himself to me as an IT Director who’s a cross between survivor man and Martha Stewart and I said oooh swoon lol



  89.  #89Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Liquid Light:

    This is my view of not speaking up… I tell people when a gift has something in it that makes it hard for me… like if he makes lasagne with olives… Oops, I’m so sorry. I really LOVE that you made me lasagne! But I’m deathly allergic to olives.

    See, the problem is, if you don’t tell them… they just keep doing it.

    Men want to change. They want to grow. They want to do and fix. “You make me want to be a better man.”

    But he has no idea you’re uncomfortable. Why? Because you haven’t said so. So he keeps sliding further and further down your “lovable” list through no fault of his own. His compass is happily pointed at North because you haven’t reached over and gently tapped it with a comment, “Oh, I feel so uncomfortable when people swear around me. It always feels so harsh to me and my tummy gets all scared and knotted up.”

    He doesn’t want to make you feel bad–he wants to make you feel good. He has no idea his action is bringing you discomfort… so in hopes of “preserving the flow” or whatever it was you said (sorry, forgot the exact words), you are compromising the entire relationship by letting his compass keep pointing to North when the relationship has actually taken a radical turn for the worse.

    Over time, thanks to you holding your peace, the relationship will deteriorate. And you’ll blame him (well, I would, anyway) for not doing better. But he doesn’t even know. He’s happily carrying on, not a clue that YOU, personally, take offense to his language.

    You’re sacrificing the relationship to preserve a moment. Are you sure that it’s worth that? Is any moment worth an entire relationship?

    I think that’s something we have to ask ourselves constantly when we want to keep the peace. Is this momentary peace worth the long-term ill effects of preserving it?

    And you and I both know the answer is a resounding NO, because there IS NO PEACE in that moment! You’re not feeling flow or peace, you’re feeling upset!

    The peace is already disturbed. The flow is already broken. The first few times it might be argued that it’s his “fault” but when you keep silent about it, the fault changes (not that there is fault, but it’s the best word we have for what I’m trying to communicate here).

    Hope that gives you food for thought, at least. 🙂



  90.  #90Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 5:54 am

    And Liquid Light… writing it on our profile is how we avoid true intimacy.

    It’s also sneaky and men are clueless and can easily miss “hints” like that, anyway.



  91.  #91Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 6:03 am

    (((Shannon))) I’ve come to understand that woman work in more cyclical ways and men in more linear ways. It feels good to allow myself to take things in cycles and be ok that this week I’m all action so I’ll get through the tough things but next week I’ll be more contemplative and do more researching and planning and the week after I’ll be more creative and work on problem solving and just go with my own flows rather than try to force myself to ‘work’ a certain way all the time. I’m a girl and I work like a girl in a male dominated industry and I’ve excelled faster than any of them by following my own cycles and ignoring how they approach their work. I burn out when I try to maintain a certain speed and pace. It feels so good and freeing to use the type of energy that I have at the given moment. Its so cool that you’ve found a diet style that works for you!



  92.  #92Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 6:09 am

    ArabianLove, men are blunt and to the point. He told you he had a lot of work to do and it would consume his time on a staggering basis. From his standpoint, you came into this with your eyes open–he was straight with you about it.

    I strongly suggest using this time to focus on you. Go to a hair salon. Get your nails done in a new way. Take some art classes or something. Use it as a time to fuel your own personal growth while he’s fueling his.

    All that boy energy you have bound up in possessiveness and suspicion could serve you hugely in taking you STRIDES forward in your own life.

    Or it can destroy your relationship because all of your energy is going towards him and there’s no space for him to enter into the relationship. Your obsession (I use the term very lightly) will just crowd him out–even when he’s done. Because when he gets done, if you maintain this thought pattern, you’ll fall all over him and demand that now he owes you months of making up for his “lack” in the past.

    Which again, will only crowd him out of the relationship.

    You want to be able to still be very at ease when he comes around… you want to be a place of SANCTUARY for him, not just another pressure on his life.



  93.  #93Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 6:23 am

    Thank you, Kyla. I feel really great hearing someone else say that they’re working WITH their feminine cycles. That’s been a focus of mine for quite some time now.

    Yet, finding a diet that works for me has been amazing. I’ve tried so many things. I kept trying something else and I had gotten up to 167 pounds [75.7 kg]. Now I’m down to 154 pounds [69.8 kg]. I’ve lost weight before, but so, so, so slowly. Now I’m losing a lot, and fast. It is SO great for me. I feel fabulous. I look in the mirror and I see myself and I feel smiley and joyous. I haven’t felt that way in SO long. The most amazing part is that it’s pretty much effortless!

    However, currently, I am feeling extremely angry because I’m deeply terrified. My ex is taking our daughter to NC for a whole week. I feel truly petrified of how she’ll be treated when she misses me. He has been extremely unkind to her in the past. He doesn’t handle her emotions well AT ALL. He just gets mad at her for daring to miss me… and it will be A WEEK.

    I am feeling such deep distress and fear over the whole thing. I don’t want her gone from me for a week for either of our sakes.

    I feel like none of them (him or his family) either care or have any clue what this feels like for her. They are all just like, “well, you two weren’t happy. This is the best thing since sliced bread!” as if there isn’t a 7 year old devastated by it all.

    I feel so much pain and fear right now if I think about it at all. I am trying so hard to just keep myself distracted, but it’s getting harder the closer this comes.

    And saying something won’t help. He’s NOT the kind of man who wants to make either one of us happy. He has stepped up once or twice, but as soon as I complimented or thanked him for it, he completely turned around and went as cruelly opposite as he could manage.

    I feel so confused and I am realizing that I am a huge boiling pot of INTENSITY. I am feeling INTENSE emotions about everything right now. I always have, I just used to handle it better, lol.

    Meh.



  94.  #94Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Shannon that’s awesome! There’s a book I read a few years ago called “The Optimized Woman” by Miranda Gray and it was all about learning to identify and follow your own cycles and how to make that really work for you. It was based on the menstrual cycle but it worked for me and I don’t have one!

    Sorry to hear about how worried you’re feeling. I felt deep panic and rage when exH started taking the kids. I had a restraining order and domestic violence case against him and I was terrified of having to hand my kids over to him every weekend. It eventually worked out but it felt awful.



  95.  #95GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Indigo-

    Thank you 🙂 Having been at this for a long time now I have found a balance that works for me. I feel great about it.

    I respect everyone’s individual choices and desires…
    For me personally trust and communication are of priority importance over the energy exchange. That said…It isn’t difficult to be feminine energy. Even when driving a car…

    A huge part of my individual process is not living in fear of pushing a man away. I could be 100% feminine energy, if that’s what I wanted. I have practiced that too.
    About the bf/gf relationship…Marriage is inconsequential to me. I might do that again someday if it comes up, and it feels right. I can not change what I have learned…That the individual you decide to marry is more important than the act of getting married. Also that if 2 people will be together for life, they will be. With or without a wedding. And if they won’t be, they won’t be. With or without.
    Intimacy is a soul deep connection. Deeper than a man made institution originally designed for the legalities of posession and assets and properties…An institution of of ownership.



  96.  #96GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 6:49 am

    I feel triggered and sad when I see a woman expressing a belief that there isn’t more to life and relationship and intimacy than being a wife.



  97.  #97Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 6:50 am

    I’m ‘working’ from home this morning and I just called and arranged for R’s old van to get towed to a scrap yard and out of my driveway and they can be here before my meeting this afternoon, yay! That feels sooo good. And now Ninja won’t have to park down the street tonight lol. I’m going to call the landlord and get the garage door fixed because I’m buying a new car and I want to be able to clear out all the crap in there to make space. Decluttering feels so freeing. I’m ready to let all this old stuff go.



  98.  #98Sophie on April 8, 2014 at 6:55 am

    (((Shannon))) did you move out in the end or are you still living in the same house? I love that you’ve found a diet that works for you – woo hoo

    (((Millie))) Thank you – just got to get through the worst bit then it’s my life back hooray!

    The worst bit: I feel frightened by my own fury. He has ground me down and worn me out and denied all responsibility for anything and emotionally manipulated me so that I have felt responsible for whether he is homeless or not when I could have stepped outside of that long ago and handed the responsibility right back at him – your responsibility your problem not mine. He looks me straight in the eye tells me everything is my fault and that I wouldn’t feel rageful, crazy, destroyed, distressed, traumatised, despairing if I behaved differently – I created a sanctuary for myself in my home and I invited in a vampire who tells me its my fault he’s drained my blood – well Mr vampire man you’re out of here and I’m not going to feel bad I’m going to feel marvellous – So you’ve got me all confused and without a compass wondering whether after all you are right and I am just crazy mad but the only thing that’s crazy mad in my life is the fact that you are in it – without you in my face I function, I prosper, I sparkle and shine, I laugh, I like myself and you may never ever have the self-awareness to see what your behaviour does to those around you and i don’t even care cos I won’t be there and you may leave me with a pile of financial $%£$ but I don’t care as long as you’re not there I can make it up and more – counting down the days til I can breathe again xxx



  99.  #99Sophie on April 8, 2014 at 6:58 am

    yay Kyla! I’m ready to get rid of all old stuff too – paints of my house are getting painted when I have it back in my full possession – clear out all this ‘not me energy’ and the garden’s going to look baeutiful cos its my sunny spot xx



  100.  #100GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 6:59 am

    I am a girlfriend…But I am not a great example of the gf trap. I guess people can use me as an example of what they don’t want, if they want to do that…
    I just don’t need a ring on my finger to validate my existence, or as a symbol of my significance.



  101.  #101Starla on April 8, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Being a vanguard of feminine energy is extremely masculine energy in itself. Insisting to yourself and others that it’s the only way to be, and worrying endlessly about preserving it, and getting upset when there is deviation in your own life or in other’s lives from what you deem is the right feminine energy way to be, is extreeeeemely masculine energy. You’re basically pushing away being fully in feminine energy. The irony of it all.



  102.  #102GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 7:09 am

    (((starla)))

    girrrl 🙂



  103.  #103Shannon P. on April 8, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Sophie, I am in the process of getting a job, which feels really hard… so that I can move out, which feels really hopeful.

    I’ve had so many mental shifts during this.

    For example, I spent 8 years begging for scraps and rarely getting even crumbs… when there are men all over the place who want to give me their time, attention, and affection! They WANT TO give it to me! WOW! Now, granted, so far I haven’t feel any corresponding desire for any of them (so far all very unattractive to me!)…

    But I realize that I shouldn’t have to settle for groveling for crumbs. I’d rather settle for unattractive but wanting to please than for attractive enough but completely uninterested in me–irritated by me, actually.

    So I’m moving out and I’m not trying to get him back anymore. In fact, I’m choosing not to be feminine around him because he just uses it to punish me and strike at me.

    I will say that having men wanting to seek me out and calling me and coming towards me has been amazing. I am really done with begging for scraps and getting (rarely) crumbs!

    Yes, I am! And I’m feeling GREAT about that!



  104.  #104Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 7:41 am

    Ooh GowStix and Starla I love it! And I use my masculine energy ALL the time. I’m a balanced person, I needed to learn how to integrate them both 🙂

    I’ve never been in the gf trap. Its only a trap when you’re kidding yourself that you feel happy and secure and are secretly hoping and dreaming that the relationship will move forward if you can just hang in there long enough. I actually adore the freedom of choosing to come home to a man and knowing he chose to come home to me, making that decision fresh each day. I’m not the one that needs marriage, its always the man who really wants it. That feels wonderful.



  105.  #105Millie on April 8, 2014 at 7:44 am

    Kyla– I can give you his match ID if you want 😉
    He works as a counselor, is pretty active, loves to dance, which is how I know him, in his early 40s. Are you in the LA area? I’m glad to hear that while he may not be my cup of tea, he sounds like yours!! 🙂



  106.  #106Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 7:45 am

    That’s awesome Sophie! I’ve been struggling to do this for 5 months and the longer I put it off the more it pisses me off looking at it! I want to make my home a sanctuary too.. it used to be!



  107.  #107Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Haha Millie awesome! I can’t do that kind of distance from Toronto though 🙂



  108.  #108GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 8:01 am

    Kyla- Excellent 🙂 I feel “got”. It’s funny you say that about the man being the ones who want it…He does bring it up periodically. I had to learn to be surprised by, and open to his bringing it up. Because my default was to turn a$$ and run from that.
    People would ask if/when and he would respond positively, and I would feel triggered and get into explaining how it’s illegal, i’m still married etc. lol



  109.  #109Linda on April 8, 2014 at 8:04 am

    I love the black and white I see in this post. I know that relationships are about teamwork and perfect and non perfect moments become the threads that are woven into the tapestry of our life. We get to flex our muscles and relax, laugh and cry and more.

    Especially this….

    it takes the courage to trust ourselves, to behave as if we have the personal boundaries we need to require that anyone who wants to be in relationship with us treats us well.

    The preceding statement is so true !



  110.  #110GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 8:17 am

    My only “job” is to notice the ways in which I am blocking myself from receiving love. I see immense progress in myself in this area. I feel proud and inflated. I feel especially proud of all the ways I have deepened my pool of intimacy. Not shutting him out while we have s e x is my most recent endeavor…And it’s working out beautifully. Who knew un-broken eye contact could be so seksy 🙂 (I can’t remember all the words that trigger my post to go into moderation lol)
    The eye contact used to be terrifying. Then I shifted that to see it as exhilarating. And then the exhilaration just kind of became excitement. It’s been a delicious process.



  111.  #111GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 8:20 am

    I used to shut my eyes and kind of play images in my vision field in order to feel turned on enough to have an orgazm. I was not connecting to the experience. I’m not sure…I think it was part defense and part not knowing how turned on I would feel s-exually by the act of connecting itself…



  112.  #112Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 8:46 am

    Hi glorious sirens,
    This Rori post was so timely for me I copied and pasted the whole thing into my library of my personal growth folder on my computer…
    “For instance, using the basic Tool of Feeling Messages…Then – we start to get more comfortable with our real selves.
    We get our sense of humor back.
    We get braver.
    We start to really feel better about ourselves.”

    I have followed this life saving (sanctuary) blog for a year or more and you all and Rori have changed my life sooo much… thank you, thank you!!

    Spending hours days and months painfully digging down deep to find out what a FEELING of mine might be… reading all of your posts and pasting and copying what you were identifying as your feelings… slowly (baby steps) I began to be able to find words describing my feelings… which of course led to absolute terror when I discovered the HUGE brick wall that i had built to protect me from intimacy with any human… actually all life forms!! 🙂

    Exstreme emotional pain!! Shaking and crying for weeks and months as I learned to start loving myself and loving feeling my feelings… (wow!! I didn’t die) whenever they showed up. During this time i was dating my toxic man- BK – and cding (online dating)the last year… taking crumbs and chasing him ( a 2 yr. relationship but miserable the last year). Not being able to let go of this imaginary relationship no matter what tools i used… UNTIL… one fine day… he called (after another 8 weeks of no communication) and I felt physically ill at the thought of ever talking to him or ever seeing him again (which I wrote a letter letting him know)!!

    All of this to say that YES… I am BRAVER
    I am LOVING myself more and more every day.
    I have my since of Humor back.
    And I TRUST myself because I have discovered more of my boundaries and softly and with feeling messages (well most of the time) share those boundaries when they come up!
    Sometimes~ no many times~ I want to give up but the joy of loving myself is soooo transforming more and more I just love life right now…. and alot of that is because I read this blog – and get soooo INSPIRED in my heart by you lovely ladies who take the time, effort and show your transparent glowing hearts to the rest of us….!!! I am humbled by your Generosity!!



  113.  #113GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Azure!
    Magnificent 🙂
    I too remember a period filled with lots of shaking and crying as I discovered my true feelings and the ability to feel them, love them, and express them. I remember feeling filled with triumph the first time I refused to put a fake smile on my face simply to make someone else feel more comfortable around me.



  114.  #114GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 9:02 am

    I learned that for me there is only misery in fake happiness. The kind of misery that goes un-shared, and unnoticed by anyone but my own soul. Amazingly, within accepting sadness, and anger and every possible feeling I feel my REAL happiness started to shine through more and more.



  115.  #115Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 9:09 am

    GlowStix…
    Thank yu for saying that… yes… when I am listening to my feelings and NOT fake laughing or fake smiling when NOT comfortable… it is feeling like sooo much love i am giving to ME!! and then of course my worthiness SOURS!! How EXHILERATING (and freeing) to know I can give myself allllll of the love and nurturing I need…



  116.  #116Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Glowstix 114
    Yes, MISERY
    i was bringing misery to myself when trying to protect EVERYONE ELSE’S feelings (family, coworkers, friends, children, BF, cats, dogs)…
    I didn’t help them or me… also in the end I felt anger and rage (I have now learned it was at myself) for always sacrificing myself (since I believed I was unworthy of anything)
    BUT NOW because of the Rori Tools I am learning to use…. MY WORTHINESS is blossoming like a rose bush in the summer sun!! 🙂



  117.  #117Lisa on April 8, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Awesome post Rori! Wow I think this is my all time favorite…. Very well written! Love it….

    I found this today in a newsletter… and thought it fitting also…

    Now think about that. That’s meeting three guys a day for 50 years and she still only has a .005 percent chance of meeting “The One.” And yet we look around and we know anecdotally that far more than .005% of women have found a guy that they want to spend the rest of their life with. So why are these numbers so different?

    Here’s the point: We want to believe in the idea of “The One.” Human beings crave this idea. One of the reasons I believe we crave it is because we like simplicity. We don’t like the idea that many people could be “The One.” We like the idea that there’s one person out there that’s right for us. It’s what movies have taught us, it’s what books have taught us, and it seems neat and tidy, because if there’s just one person out there then we can just keep searching for that one person who we’re supposed to be perfect with. All we have to do is sit back and wait for “The One” to arrive, and when they do we’ll just “know” it.

    There’s a reason that I don’t like this concept…

    What happens when you’re in a relationship and “The One” cheats on you?

    What happens when you’re in a relationship and “The One” starts disrespecting you or treating you badly?

    There are two schools of thought on this. One person would say, “stick around because they’re ‘The One.’ You have to fight it out and make it work because they’re ‘The One.’” Which, of course, is a recipe for living your life with someone who doesn’t meet your standards.

    The other person would say “No, leave, because that means he’s NOT ‘The One.’ Leave because ‘The One’ is still out there.” This attitude is what leads to chronic relationship hopping. It’s what leads people to consistently leave relationships when they find out their partner is not perfect and passionate every single day.

    Part of the problem is we live in this incredibly entitled society. We have this entitlement culture where we’re led to believe that we’re supposed to just find “The One” and it will be amazing. The truth is, we’re not entitled to something, but we do have the opportunity to create something.

    You may be reading this and yelling at your screen, “Matt, life has meaning and it somehow brings ‘The One’ to you and that’s how it works, and you just don’t get that. You’re a cynic.”

    I’m not a cynic.

    I believe that the idea of love at first sight is the most unromantic idea there is. If we believe that “The One” comes ready-made, we know we don’t really have to work on a relationship. This person comes to us, ready for us. I think that’s an abhorrent concept. The idea I can look at someone across the room and feel that they’re just “right” for me when they’ve done nothing for me – what an insult to a marriage of 50 years. What makes a person special is not that they are some magically appointed “One,” but how much they’ve invested in you, and what you’ve built together over time.

    The idea of love at first sight is an insult to long-term relationships where people have actually built something through effort and hard work. That, to me, is what’s romantic – when people stick around for each other, when people look after each other, when they’re a genuine team. I think what’s romantic is when someone builds a relationship.

    An amazing relationship is built, not found. We have the ability to create opportunity. Someone could break up with us and we have the ability to do it again. Our partner could pass away and we have the ability to go out there and find happiness again. One of the most redeeming parts of love is that it’s possible to find love again if we should need to.

    By the way, does this mean that everybody could be right for us? No. There’s still a percentage of people that we could make it work with, and that may be a small percentage, but it’s a lot better as odds than finding “The One.”

    OXOX



  118.  #118Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Lisa,
    Thanx for sharing this… I feel this concept is sooo liberating!!!
    I too feel that romantic is more about building a relationship… also I like the idea of there is most probably more than “the ONE” for all of us.



  119.  #119Olivia on April 8, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Just want to say the blog is so positive to me today after my inner turmoil of the last week.

    @Kyla. Thanks for your comments. I have never been married, have no kids, and have such terror of choosing the “wrong” guy and getting a divorce/splitting up. But it sounds like you were married before and have one or more children, and you’ve been through some bad “stuff” and are now dating and are HAPPY in your present and just had the most awesome sireny no-gf speech interaction with a good potential guy! Which just feels to me like taking a bite of delicious velvety ice cream. Or like relaxing all my muscles and receiving love.
    I don’t have to be so afraid of my future and how it can do disaster wrong. I can have a future present that is happy no matter if the “worst” happens.
    (I really hope my post doesn’t trigger you..but I have a feeling you will “get” what I’m saying…)

    @glowstix – i have ambivalent feelings about marriage that arise from (1) the cultural trope of wife and husband and marriage being boring and a ball and chain and the sex being lame, and (2) from my parent’s marriage which really soured me on the idea of the institution. so it feels so good to see other women commenting how that is not their need and they are not lesser-than for not wanting that and there’s no like…stigma there. it’s like… a breeze over the skin. i am happy with how i am. you are happy with your situation. cool.

    hugs!



  120.  #120Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Totally get you Olivia!!



  121.  #121Sophie on April 8, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Shannon – that feels great to hear x some real breakthroughs and an energy shift x onwards and upwards x I was smiling reading what you wrote x everything changes with time and being willing to reach for something different I think x I felt interested in what you said about not being feminine energy around him any more as he uses it against you x I feel like I just gave up on all rori principles around B cos nothing really changed it was so exhausting constantly trying to be understood or attempt reasonable communication – maybe i should have kept using him for practice practice practice or maybe some men just need to be given a wide berth…x



  122.  #122Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 10:41 am

    I actually have noticed that some men read my profile thoroughly. I can tell by what they’ve written or said to me. It’s kinda like calling forth from ether what you want. It’s a bit scary. I’m keeping the part in there about not cursing on a date, we’ll see what happens. Dating, profiles, photos, its all a bit experimental and i’m trying out different things to see what works. I’m a scientist. Hahahaha!



  123.  #123GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Azure 115 & 116

    So so so feel you on that! I also didn’t believe I deserved…Well, much of anything really. I don’t think I believed I even deserved respect and fair treatment. I didn’t believe I deserved to have a voice…I gained what little confidence I had from doing anything and everything for anyone and everyone, no matter how I felt about it. Anger and rage…Yes! Bitterness too. Self loathing. Yuck! I am not the same person 🙂



  124.  #124GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Olivia 119

    Right on! I feel happy my thoughts and feelings can be inspiration or serve people in some way!
    Even if it’s just “Hey, i’m here and we are similar, you aren’t alone”.

    My parents have a 41 year marriage. Married at 19…I did have a romanticized, and also realistic view of “healthy, happily married”, and what it takes to have that as a part of your life. Even still…It didn’t work out for me when I did it. For some time I really felt afraid of experiencing that again.
    It’s such a complex thing…I have worked through those fears and I would do it now…I know that if I have a shot at a long and happy marriage, I have it with J. I believe that. Amazingly it kind of works out not to make me crave it any more than I did when I felt afraid. It’s like…Well, if anyone, it will be him, and so now I feel no urgency. It’s just a calm place. If it happens it will happen when it happens lol



  125.  #125GlowStix on April 8, 2014 at 11:07 am

    We talk about starting a family more than anything…Which feels wonderful to me because a family would be such a blessing in my life, when the time comes that I feel ready.



  126.  #126Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Just got an invite from a man who won’t take me out on a proper date asking me out for sat night for dinner at his place and netflix…here we go again…ughh!!!



  127.  #127Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 11:22 am

    I’m really noticing how i respond to certain situations and people. Sometimes I just feel depressed being in a certain situation or around a particular person. There’s a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in months because I just feel depressed around her. And I’m not trying to evaluate it or make it better, its just the way I feel. I don’t like feeling depressed so I’m avoiding situations/people like that. And it feels liberating!



  128.  #128Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Its so funny how you can call someone’s bluff…I just told date guy on Sat that I don’t feel comfortable with that. (coming over to his place) and now radio silence….so interesting!



  129.  #129Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    GlowStix 125 & 126
    How nice to come from parents that have been together for so long…
    My parents had a tumoltuouse relationship and were both married 2 more times after their divorce.

    My mothers last marriage has lasted 22 years (they are both 88) and it has been a blessing having more stability in me and my childrens and my siblings lives even later in life….
    You sound like you have a calmness around you starting a family… maybe with J.



  130.  #130Azure Blu on April 8, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Liquid Light 127 & 128
    Wow!! Amazing
    it feels like you are honoring your boundaries and lovin’ on YOU!! 🙂



  131.  #131Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Yes, it feels that way to me too! Thanks Azure! 🙂



  132.  #132Veronica on April 8, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Lisa – 117 – Yes! yes! yes! I never really believed in the ‘One’ but rather that the ‘One’ is whomever love is possible with, who is willing to give it what it needs to grow.



  133.  #133Cris on April 8, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    So wise and so hard!! No control and let be surprised



  134.  #134Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Yup LL some of the frogs can turn into princes and some are still frogs after we communicate our feelings but it feels so great to say no I don’t want that and walk away, doesn’t it? Yay for you! I feel proud for honouring my true feelings no matter what the result. I think the best result all this practice has given me is finding my voice again, the power to choose what I want and the feet to keep me moving towards that 🙂



  135.  #135Veronica on April 8, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    BearCD was quite sweet about his reply – he ‘separated our e-mails’ -one was a reply to our ongoing e-mail exchange and the other was dealing with Sunday’s meeting up. I like the consideration on his part. I still don’t feel much for him and he’s done nothing wrong really. Part of me just wants to bolt from the whole dating/meeting guys thing. I feel ‘flat’.

    I really like how my guy friend is eager to help me with my one project. I like being supported in that way, like someone’s rooting for me.

    I feel scared of dating/ relationships with men – I keep cringing, as if there’s just more pain if I get involved with men. My throat feels like it’s turning to stone.



  136.  #136Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    I’m starting to send out my portfolio (just updated it after 8 years!) and resume. I’m being really selective which I’ve never been before because I’m looking for a job that’s a really good fit…just like I’m looking for a man that’s a really good fit! And I’ve never been this selective about men before either. Hmmm. Interesting.



  137.  #137Cécilia on April 8, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    whoops! Ahh silly me, I posted my “today” feelings and updates on the previous blog post from Thursday. I would post them here again, but I don’t want to spam.



  138.  #138ArabianLove on April 8, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    @Shannon … what you wrote felt like such a wonderful eye opener !!! As i read what you wrote I kept thinking she is so right ! yes yes yes !!! I need to focus all that obsessive boy energy on myself and use it to grow in my own life.
    And u are right he has been straight with me … very much so … even to the point that when I had complained it had been 2weeks since i had seen him and that he must not be serious he mentioned i had hurt him by saying that and that he told me from the beginning what he would need from me …
    All i know is i need to stop listening to my girlfriends and listen to the sound advice you gave me today which made my afternoon that much brighter 😉 THANK YOU !!!

    @Kyla : very cool that u are into theatre … 🙂 and thanks for ur great advice as well 🙂 … i do trust him but then again i fear he may be like all the other liars ive dated .. ive told him this too oye lol and he has said if u cant trust me why are u with me … from that point on i have trusted him and figured he is right … but since we have grown apart somewhat its hard not to doubt … though what shannon said is spot on !!! Even when hes done with his work if i dont find somewhere else to focus my boy energy I WILL BE ALL OVER HIM and wanting for him to MAKE UP all this time apart … NOT GOOD 🙂

    Aaah I feel so great !!!!! Thanks ladies !



  139.  #139ArabianLove on April 8, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    I feel in love with the idea of being his sanctuary 🙂 ..



  140.  #140Amazed on April 8, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    The thing I am struggling with my relationship right now is his lack of financial security. Not for my sake because I am independent enough and never want to rely on a man to supply my financial needs. I know I have to let it go and let him deal with his finances since we only have been seeing each other for a couple months. He talks about moving in together..I then think that maybe he only wants me to help him achieve financial stability. The biggest reason why he is strapped is because he lives an hour away from his work so he spends a few hundred dollars in gas a month. He is moving closer to work and closer to me. I have told him i will not live with anyone without being married. It is important too me because I have kids and don’t want them to feel uncomfortable about living with me. Every time L and I talk though the main topic is lack of money. I feel bad for him even though it’s not my issue and have given him money to help him out. He didn’t ask and was very appreciative but I regret doing it now because of that..I was doing. So hard to not be in my boy energy at times and want to fix things for people.. 🙁 I need advice on how to tell him that I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner is financially strapped. He is such a sweet perdon with a big heart, I am very attracted to him and we get along great. Thanks for any suggestions 🙂



  141.  #141Amber on April 8, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Amazed-140
    What about expressing your discomfort using feeling messages? Something like, “Wow, I feel so weird. I’m uncomfortable discussing your financial situation at this stage in our relationship.” (that leaves you open to discuss it in the future if you guys get serious)
    This takes the topic off the table and you no longer have to concern yourself with it at all.
    Hope this helps,
    Amber



  142.  #142Starla on April 8, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    LL that is awesome:) I was recruited for my position with a resume that I had tailored for a much lower position, so I have my 6 month review tomorrow and am bringing in my “real” resume so that my company can understand that they should probably promote me and pay me more pretty soon :P. Or something. I just think it would be good to let them know that I am capable of a lot more than they realize. I look very young and I have to keep reminding my VP that I’m about 30 years old, which is getting annoying, since I have more experience than most everyone there.



  143.  #143Tereana on April 8, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Shannon P., I absolutely loved everything you wrote in #86!!

    And one part spoke to me specifically, just because it’s been on my mind all day. I’ve been thinking about finances, and thinking that the process of achieving financial “success” (however you define it) could work for a woman entirely different from how if works for a man. And even if you do it in the same way, you still are a woman while you are doing it. And if you try not to be, odds are, you may not find the success, or you’ll be exhausted when you do.

    And this is all because my own finances have been on my mind. If I listen to my own inner dialogue/monologue, I sound like a broken record, at times. It feels like the same old story, over and over: I had some success in the past, or I was good at x and did y, but I didn’t make any money. J was unemployed for x time, I don’t have this or that background, etc. All lame excuses. All of them.

    I feel like I sound like and addict: I didn’t mean to do it, baby. I never want to hurt you. I promise I’ll change. Next time I won’t [drink/gamble/do drugs/beat you], I promise. Then next thing you know, the guy is doing it again, and maybe even worse than before, because of the “promise.” He’s fueled by guilt or something and goes all out.

    This is like my subconscious with money. It’s a money bully. It sabotages my best efforts at finding rewarding work, or jobs that pay, and when I do find one, it convinces me I’m not qualified or good enough, and I may quit. If I do manage to save any money, my subconscious finds something really important to spend it on…

    But anyway, my point is, I trust myself and these actions and conditions don’t feel like “me.” It was hard, but I had a talk with M about it tonight. I needed to tell him that even though my financial situation sucks, I wasn’t going to ask him to fix it. I won’t, because I don’t want to be dependent, I don’t want to be a drain, and because I want the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to do it myself.

    I still don’t know how I’m going to do it. But something will shift. I just don’t want it to take over my life.

    I feel I’ve done things backwards. Most women find financial and career success and then meet a man. I guess I decided I didn’t need that to be perfect if I met someone. And I’m happy that’s true. And I guess, if I could succeed with that, I can succeed with this, too…



  144.  #144Starla on April 8, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    ” I need advice on how to tell him that I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner is financially strapped”

    This sounds like it’s a deal breaker for you. You’re basically asking for advice on how to tell him he had better change, but I am also hearing you say he is a marvelous guy:). So all you can really do is tell him you feel uncomfortable when his lack of money keeps coming up, and admit to him that it’s because you feel compelled to fix it and that makes it hard for you to feel like just a girl and you don’t want to feel that way with him. Then ask him what he thinks.
    ^ in my opinion



  145.  #145Liquid Light on April 8, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Thanks Starla! You are so young, you have the whole world ahead of you! I’m sure that they recognize your capabilities just don’t let me take advantage of you. They will if they can…A lot like men will, hahahahahahaha!!!



  146.  #146Starla on April 8, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Thanks LL 🙂
    I won’t let them. I had a lot of offers for jobs at the time and I took theirs with good reason. But it is not working out how I had hoped. I would like to give them an opportunity to set me on a better path before I just leave.
    I know I can get a new job in a heartbeat and don’t feel desperate, which is very important! I feel scared to lose my job or leave because I am short on funds right now, but my sweet boyfriend reminds me often that he can help me with bills if money is the only thing keeping me in a job that makes me unhappy. I don’t think I’d ever take his money, but just the fact that it’s an option makes me feel more confident about standing up for myself there.



  147.  #147Starla on April 8, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    And anyway one of these days i’ll probably be married to or living with a fabulous man (probably the one i’m currently with) and he will be very supportive of me making an income as a pro belly dancer and reiki practitioner, and this corporate BS will be a thing of the past. But, I do have 7+ years in this corporate BS, and it’s a very solid career. Which is not something to be ungrateful for, of course <3



  148.  #148Indigo on April 8, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    Liquid Light 78,

    Everyone here is obsessed with every tiny detail of it. We even have a dedicated TV channel just for the trial and discussing it.

    We haven’t had something like this here since I can recall, and one thing about it is that the South African public are getting to see up close how our trial court system really works, and it is kind of fascinating.

    I feel desperate for all the people intimately involved though… every aspect of their privacy is being put on display in the news.



  149.  #149Turquoise on April 8, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Hi girls. I went to the funeral home for my classmate tonight. It was sad… But good to see a lot of old friends. Including my first love. I didn’t feel any kind of spark or anything… But good to see old friends. This guy I had a crush on was there… He was 2 years ahead of me. Still really handsome… Just a little grey. I have him a hug and noticed him looking at me a lot. He left while I was in a big conversation with a girlfriend. It felt good to feel that little spark. I’ve felt mostly numb. Old crush… Not on Facebook or anything… So I certainly can’t lean forward. Maybe he will look me up. Maybe not… But felt good to see so many old friends. Just so sad to be losing classmates already. It was a heroin overdose. 🙁



  150.  #150Starla on April 8, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    i hate that people who were once children with us became addicts 🙁
    (((((((((((((((((turquoise))))))))))))))))))))



  151.  #151Indigo on April 8, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    GlowStix 98,

    Having been married once before, for me it took most of the mystery and specialness out of it… FOR ME.

    I will always be grateful for my 5 year marriage, but marriage is no longer the pinnacle of my existence, just as children are not. I will never forget how I felt thinking about the prospect of getting out of it, because I didn’t really want to be there.

    It showed me that, for me, marriage is little more than an legality which to me means very little if the two people are not truly bonded to one another.

    I think if there’s one thing my life has shown me, is that if people love each other and are going to be together, this force is strong enough on its own and this is more than enough for me. Not that I wouldn’t be thrilled to marry the love of my life, but it would be almost incidental. What I desire is that deep down knowing that this man is not going anywhere. Marriage is no guarantee of that, in my opinion.



  152.  #152Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    Amazed – Rori suggests just listening and not really commenting just saying hmm and that’s tough and you’re so smart, I feel confident you will figure it out. You know, not getting in to fix it mode for him and if it feels bad then you could say I feel bad/sad/worried/whatever discussing this.



  153.  #153Kyla on April 8, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    Ninja took me for food and to watch the game and forgot his wallet so I took care of the check. He was so embarrassed, he finally found his wallet in the car, drove to the nearest atm and gave me double what I paid and spent the rest of the night promising to make it up to me with somewhere really special. That felt very good. I’ve never felt so comfortable letting a man insist on being the provider. Oh and he brought my daughter a present tonight to thank her for all the babysitting too. I feel happy and sleepy now. Nightie night sirens xxx



  154.  #154Millie on April 9, 2014 at 12:03 am

    I just want to say, that reading all of the comments on this post feels really special. Reading all of your strong and soft female voices growing, moving, and learning, gives me strength and inspiration. I feel so proud to be a woman. While I have no words of advice to give, I’m listening and absorbing and that in itself feels pretty wonderful. You ladies are all amazing. 🙂



  155.  #155Millie on April 9, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Turquoise, that is so tragic.



  156.  #156Femininewoman on April 9, 2014 at 2:56 am

    Kyla what a sweetheart he is. He sounds like a real alpha man. I feel like saying to him “you are the man. It is really sexy how you take care of things”.

    This is one of those circumstance where I like to say you.



  157.  #157Tereana on April 9, 2014 at 5:10 am

    Starla (147) – no, it is not something to be ungrateful for, for sure…

    I’ve been having lots of “aha” and “whoa” moments this morning.

    First was about money. I realized that my goal and me desire has never really been to “have” money. I want to. But the real desire is that I don’t want to *need* it. I don’t care if I have the money or not. The monetary system could be abolished, and is be fine with that. But that will never happen, because too many people are addicted to the high that comes with it.

    I think I’m immune. Or I’m too accustomed to it, or I’ve been burned too many times by the pain of NOT having it, that I associate money with pain. And therefore, even though I “want” it and I want to have enough of it, I run from it, I push it away, I do whatever I can to avoid money because of the bad memories and feelings it produces.

    I feel really jealous of people who have money and are ok with it. Not because of the money, per se. I am jealous that they don’t feel bad about having it or guilty or anything like that.

    And I know, in a sense, that I’m not that different from anyone else. There isn’t something special they have that I don’t. In fact, many people who are less smart, less educated, less clever, less attractive, and less talented than I am acheive financial success just fine. The thing is, I’ve concentrated all my energy on developing those areas of my life, under the assumption that if I had all that stuff, the money would come. I would get paid. But it doesn’t work that way. You have to put actual energy on your financial life. And that’s exactly what I’ve been avoiding.

    Whew…

    Now for the mom part. I don’t know. I had some sort of realization about my mom. Now I can’t remember it. I am dreading Mother’s Day. I love the idea of it. But every day is “mother’s day” for her. She’s always the only most important person in the room. It’s all about her, all the time. What I want, or what I have to say is incidental. If she likes it, it’s an extension of her. If it’s not of interest for her, she ignores it. I feel invisible…

    I feel dirty. I feel disgusting. I feel wrong. I feel bad. I feel unworthy.

    Now, saying those things feels less charged than they used to. I used to believe them a lot more. Now I know that they are not true. But some part of me feels that way. And I suspect that this unconscious part is actively sabotaging me from having what I really want in life, at least financially, but in other ways also. It’s my “nasty voice.”

    But that negative desire is a big one. In law of attraction terms, i suppose the desire to “not have” a need for money puts me in a negative vibration mode, so to speak. It is a negative feeling. So what’s showing up in my bank account is – guess what? – negative amounts! Whoa. That’s the “whoa” part. And that’s nothing to do with psychology or history or beliefs, who who I am, or anything. That’s just a pure energetic stance. And now that I know what that is, I can change it. I think. Let me get on that… ; )

    Xoxoxo



  158.  #158Tereana on April 9, 2014 at 5:22 am

    Amazed – as the person on the other side of that equation, I’d say you’re doing fine. But maybe don’t say that you “don’t want” a relationship with someone who is financially strapped. Unless you mean to break up with him. Because it sounds like you do like him and enjoy the relationship. You might feel bad to see him struggling. Is that true?

    And don’t feel too guilty for having given him money. But try but to do it again, because it creates a power imbalance. And this would go either way – if he have you money, it would be the same. And for a guy, you being the provider has the added effect of emasculating him, which really will not help his libido, or your relationship. What you can do is support him in any way you can, without actually giving him money, and to love him through the process of him being able to find his own way.

    This is why I told M I didn’t want his help. Even if he might want to, as a man, an outright donation would just drive home the idea that I am “poor,” that I am insufficient, and that I “can’t do it” on my own. I want the satisfaction of succeeding and knowing that I was able to do it my own way. I do need some kind of help and support. But charity is sometimes counterproductive. Telling him that you have confidence in him that he will be able to succeed will probably do wonders for him and your relationship, even if the results don’t come right away.

    What do you think?



  159.  #159Tereana on April 9, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Amazed, I meant to say “try not” to do it again (autocorrect)…



  160.  #160Kyla on April 9, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Femininewoman – yes he is a sweetheart and very much the alpha man. Mmm I do give frequent compliments and I love the way you phrased that. It does feel so sexy to me!

    Lol how many dates did I have to go on before I stopped squirming when the check came and relaxed and let the man do his thing? Or stop feeling guilty receiving gifts and just say thank you and enjoy? It was seriously necessary practice. It had been a long time since R took care of me. I feel so much more comfortable being the femme 🙂



  161.  #161Kyla on April 9, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Tereana I find the thought of financial freedom helped me shift into a more positive feelings about money.

    I hear you on not accepting charity but when I started allowing myself to receive help from others recently I swallowed that pride and let myself feel blessed and loved. I saw that it was a beautiful gift of love instead of feeling like a worthless charity case. It quite literally was the hardest thing I have ever done, accept that I need help, but it turned things around almost instantly for me within maybe 3 or 4 days. Suddenly I could see all these other things that had been holding me back too that I now had the power to change and the ball started rolling faster. My entire universe has shifted. Love is pouring out of every corner. The need to do things all by ourself (I am the queen of self sufficiency and stoic perserverance) can really hurt us. For me it comes from childhood and always feeling like I need to achieve, prove, justify and earn my worthiness. Its pushing away love thats being offered to you. You are already utterly loveable 🙂



  162.  #162Azure Blu on April 9, 2014 at 8:01 am

    tereana 157
    I hear your pain and can identify with the journey around finances…
    I have struggled my whole life with a toxic relationship with Money!!!

    For the past year I have been Frozen in a total self sabotaging place as far as my economic well being is concerned. I get jobs in and absolutely refuse to get quotes out or jobs out… refuse to make contact with the client or network to bring more clients in…
    Through 1.5 years (really 20 years – the last 1.5 with Rori) of hard work I have freed myself from toxic men sindrum and in the process LOVE ME.
    With this finance issue~ I now seem to be trying to reinforce my subconscious notion that I CAN”T TRUST MYSELF. Help!!! any ideas on how to make this stop?



  163.  #163Linda on April 9, 2014 at 8:23 am

    I am trying so hard… to be at peace. To feel happy.
    I am so upset to day. Inside I feel “off the hook” furious! I am sick at my stomach from it and It feels so intense that crying feels the inevitable outlet I am at work . Perhaps posting will help.

    Out of the blue I got 3 text msgs from the man I broke things off with late last night. They pressed every one of my buttons. Every one of them ! They were accusatory, judgemental and belittling.

    I have had my POF hidden since December of 2012 and have not visited the sight in as long. I simply just have had no interest in openning it or dating right now.

    The flurry of texts were about him seeing that my profile was up???!!!!! and that how surprised at how undignified and suggestive my profile was and how low I stooping. (oh and added what a dumb A** he was for ever opening his heart up to me or slightly hoping that we could still work things out)….

    I checked and found that my profile was hidden but had an email from him and it was UGLY…. (I guess because he had contacted me a long time ago POF will let a message come thru if there was previous contact before and while it is hidden).

    I was soooo upset and wide awake! I called him and said. “It does not feel good to be attacked and accused about this especially at this time of night” “I do not have an active open profile and it has been hidden since we took our profiles down in 2012″… “the profile is exactly as it read when we met and it there was no mention of disapproval of it then” !!! There was conversation after he said he did not know about how POF lets previous contacted people still contact and said he believed me. This led to other conversation and how terrible he instantly to see my profile open and that I was actively online and dating. (He described as a kick in the gut and he immediately felt like he was going to vomit). That led to more conversation and I listened but made good my promise to voice my feelings. baby step baby step.. I shared my bottom line truth…. that I did not feel emotionally safe with him and why with specifics. Instead of him listening he rebutted. But…. the outcome was not my focus . I have no hope attached to my truth other than I shared it!. I physically was quivering there in the dark in my bed. That happens to me when 100% RAW. and…. I said” you say how much you love me.. over and over but “I DOESNT feel like like love” further… “your outbursts and anger and what you chose to do with your feelings…just like your barage of texts feel awful and exactly what do not work for me or what I want in my life”. I WANT PEACE !

    You know… he had to work hard at seeing my profile now that I think of it. He said he typed in my name and it did not come up until he created a new one. Again.. that really makes me mad that he tried to make it a short fall on me, when he had intended to go fishing.

    This morning… I deleted the whole blasted thing ! The heck with it all.



  164.  #164Syreena on April 9, 2014 at 8:39 am

    It feels so difficult to reject someone who has not done anything directly bad to me.
    Oh for social conditioning of be polite.oh this man is showing up for a reason, give him a chance.
    He is sweet to me gives me attention, says good things to me and about me.
    All that is on the surface though.
    When I heard him calling women whores for dressing sexy at some horse racing event it felt like a blow to my core to my center. It felt bad, I felt shaky all over. It wasn’t directed at me. It felt bad that was directed at any women. I feel sick now, not knowing how to evade his attention.
    I don’t know if to just stick to polite and surface level of to be direct.

    It appears the saying is true, men are ‘nice’ when they pursue and women are nice when they reject.

    I can feel myself wanting to be like one of those men who do the slow fade and evade.



  165.  #165GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 9:08 am

    (((linda)))

    I know it doesn’t FEEL good, but good for you for how you approached it. Good for you on your boundaries. Brava



  166.  #166Syreena on April 9, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Also feels bad to observe and witness him constantly reaching out and making comments to scantily clad women online about their pictures.

    Is this what I want?
    No.
    I don’t want a man who calls women whhhhhhhrss for how they dress.
    I don’t want a man who reaches out to various random women commenting on their sexual body parts.

    He’s not what I want.
    I f



  167.  #167GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 9:11 am

    I was feeling peeved, and angry and irritable this morning. After a lovely chat with a friend I feel inspired. I have something solid I can sink my teeth into. A new practice. I adore new practices. Especially when they are designed to perl away some layers of self judgement. I feel antsy to “see” what the “outcome” is. Just reminding myself to sit back amd relax and let it unfold as it unfolds. I know these things take time and patience by their very nature.



  168.  #168Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Indigo 148 Thanks for your post. I’ve been curious about the trial over there. It’s definitely being covered in the US but not to that extent. It sounds like its S Africa’s version of the OJ Simpson trial in the 90s. That was such a fiasco and it was all over the media constantly.



  169.  #169Syreena on April 9, 2014 at 9:13 am

    I feel ok on the surface in his presence. Yet sick and shaky on a deep core level.



  170.  #170Syreena on April 9, 2014 at 9:19 am

    It feels weird that he asked me if I was sick of him yet. And my deep core feeling at my deepest level is that I feel sick in my core.

    I didn’t feel that on the surface. I didn’t feel sick of him. I just felt sickened at my core at the whOrrrrrrrrrrreee comments and the constant comments to numerous random women about parts of their bodies being sexually objectified.



  171.  #171GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 9:22 am

    There are lots of break-ups happening all around me, and close to home…Literally in my home. Our room mates are breaking up. My close friends and cousin are getting divorces. I feel triggered. I’m noticing judgements of all variety popping up in my head. I feel disappointed. I notice I make it more a part of my world than is necessary. I notice myself using these occurrences as ” examples” in many ways. I don’t want to do that. I want to redirect my focus back onto Stix. What is happening for Stix? What is she up to and how is she being for herself. How is she being for others? Are there any ways in which she can be that are more beneficial to her overall happiness?
    I want to let my boy energy care for me. Do for me. My girl energy can just be. She likes to simply exist to experience. That’s her goal in life. So all this “do” energy can be redirected and focused on stix.



  172.  #172GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Maybe I can take her out for a walk and let her marvel at the spring flowers. I can let her watch tiny bugs for minutes or hours at a time. Watching them go about their tiny bug business. I can let her look up at the sky and clouds and take in the huge majesty. I can let her breathe crisp fresh air and feel it to the pits of her lungs. I can let her steal all kinds of fancy energy from all kinds of goings on around her. I can let her take that energy and push it out into her aura and push her aura out beyond the visible Universe.
    I can make her yummy foods born of the earth. Foods that have a million flavours per bite. I can let her pinpoint each one and saturate her body with goodness.

    If that isn’t utterly delicious, I don’t know what is 🙂



  173.  #173Syreena on April 9, 2014 at 9:38 am

    I feel sickened and turned off by men who reach out to women objectifying their pictures or objectifying and using them as auto erotic masturbatory objects to lewdly gratify their lust in a disembodied way.



  174.  #174Cupcake on April 9, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Hi, Sirens,

    Yesterday was my birthday, and today I feel happy that I had a fun time last night, and grateful that a couple friends made me feel special.

    I have to leave New City in 2 weeks, for a few reasons, some of them family related and unconvertible.

    Since I have been here, I’ve been hanging out with a few adorable guys. They are all much younger than me, and also not single. There’s only been friendly social engagements, nothing at all inappropriate. Flirting, yes, but all out in the open.

    I’m watching myself in this dynamic. One of the guys, I’ll call him JT because he looks like young Travolta, always goes out of his way to make me feel taken care of, special, and heard.

    You know when you are in a group situation and you look from face to face while you are talking, to include everyone? When that happens, and our eyes meet, it feels like we’re kissing. Those scenes in movies where the rest of the room disappears.

    Anyway, after seeing him, I feel all worked up.

    I am writing this because I feel so torn. My body says, Tell him you want sex before you leave New City. He’s a guy. Worst case scenario, he’s flattered and says no.

    I don’t think that IS worst case scenario. Worst case scenario feels like me getting attached to someone who is not available. Who is 20 years younger than me, and however much he likes me, isn’t an appropriate person to partner with, which is my long term goal. He’s just the only person I feel any sexual attraction for, and I am feeling so turned on from hanging out with him.

    So I watch myself. He kissed me on the cheek for my birthday at least 10 times last night. And if we had been alone at the end of the night….I don’t know what would have happened.

    There was a brief moment when we were alone earlier, and we both got sort of tongue tied and breathless. He said, “What is going on?”

    I almost said, “I want to feel you kiss me.” But I didn’t want to lean forward like that. I couldn’t speak, and he just looked at me until I managed to say, all giggly, “I feel uncomfortable…” meaning uncomfortable telling him my feelings.

    He totally knew what I meant. And he smiled. He was finishing up work before coming out to celebrate my birthday, and I had just stuck my head in to tell him where to meet us. (We were all in the same building. I didn’t make a special trip anywhere.)

    Well, I just wanted to write because it feels hard to resign myself to never kissing this boy who there’s such an attraction with. If he weren’t in a long term commitment relationship, and if I weren’t leaving town, even with the age difference it feels like it would be something.

    But he isn’t available, and I am leaving town, and there is an age difference. And what my body wants me to do is very different from what I believe the right path to be.

    Which is just to be grateful that the universe is showing me that there are such amazing guys out there. And that the right guy would have already have claimed me.

    Grrr. It just feels so hard to let go of a romp with the first guy I have felt this attracted to in 4 years.



  175.  #175Veronica on April 9, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Glowstix – 171 – Delicious indeed!



  176.  #176CurvySiren10 on April 9, 2014 at 10:22 am

    What do you mean by “he isn’t available” Cupcake?
    If he’s someone else’s bf or husband, then I think you know the answer…
    i’m just not sure what that means exactly.
    If he’s not attached to another woman, why not ..if you know what you’re doing and what the outcome will be??



  177.  #177Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Wow Cupcake, it sounds like the chemistry is off the charts with him! But its not really what you want and ultimately isn’t going to serve you…unless it is and you would be happy connecting with him on a physical level before you leave? I struggle with this too. Giving into a physical attraction when you know in your heart its not going to give you what you are really looking for. Although I haven’t felt that kind of attraction in a long time and sometimes wonder if I’m even capable of that anymore. It used to happen a lot so its a big change for me. I wonder if I’m getting pickier (yes!) or if its just I’m losing my sex drive, or if I’m maturing (about time if so) or if I’m just not meeting men that I’m attracted to…well, there was one a few weeks ago, much younger than me as well, and yes I was pretty attracted to him….yay! I guess I’ve still got it in me!



  178.  #178Veronica on April 9, 2014 at 10:27 am

    I’m noticing this separateness of myself – I have my own life now. I feel gorgeous. It’s as though I decided to be happy and I didn’t tell myself. It partly has to do with watching Amelie (what a beautiful film! oh my heart!). I’ve been having days where I just laugh out loud. I’m also feeling a little more confident about embracing and sharing what I enjoy (since I am a little strange sometimes, I’ve very apprehensive about sharing my thoughts etc.). I hope I remember these few days when I’m feeling down.



  179.  #179Veronica on April 9, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Happy birthday Cupcake – kind of awesome that you got all that hotness happening for you on your birthday. Yay to feeling alive around men : )



  180.  #180Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 10:30 am

    the other thing that just came up for me re. sex and attraction is that I really down play my sexual vibe now. I think its a combination of fear (my last relationship was really sexual to the point that it made me uncomfortable) and not wanting the guy to come on too strong too soon and have the dynamic be all about sex (again fear that comes from my last relationship probably)



  181.  #181Linda on April 9, 2014 at 10:34 am

    THis mans default posistion seems to be anger. It is his processing mode. Maybe he was looking for a reason to be mad and justify the reason we are not together is a short coming on my part and not that fact that he drove me away (just like he has admitted he has done before) I know it is his stuff and not my concern. Yet I am so angry and offended. He continues to disrespect me and dothings that he KNOWS that I wont tolerate.

    I am not a fix for anybodies lonliness. (something he says he is all the time). I am not a pacifier.

    I admit my cage is rattled and he did a great job at it. I am still fired up upset. (and it is after noon here in my part of the world).



  182.  #182Linda on April 9, 2014 at 10:39 am

    I have to keep reminding myself…

    it takes the courage to trust ourselves, to behave as if we have the personal boundaries we need to require that anyone who wants to be in relationship with us treats us well…

    I believe I can have a relationship that brings all the great things he brought without all the drama that this man bring and be treated well.



  183.  #183Dominique on April 9, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Cupcake – Wishing you a lovely, loved filled birthday (one day late though it’s an all month celebration, yes?

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  184.  #184Indigo on April 9, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Shannon P 86,

    I’m really passionate about this.

    It was brought home to today where I had yet another conversation with my ex, where I was trying to feel and he was trying to “logic”.

    At first, I felt really frustrated. The two ways are supposed to bring balance to each other. I feel like saying, there is absolutely nothing to defend or explain with the women’s perspective… but we feel so often that there is.

    No. I decided. I am going to let the way I am just be. I am a feeling creature and it is no use fighting my gentle, sensitive, deep womanness. Equally, I have realized, there is no making him wrong and trying to make him see the value of my “feeling” way.

    It was as if, by just accepting the unique way I am made, as a unique woman creature, that learning started to take place in the void between his logic and my feeling.

    I absolutely believe that not only do women operate on an entirely different set of principles than men, but also that each individual has unique ways and solutions that work just right for him or her and are waiting to be discovered.

    I love this idea, and I love that you are exploring a new way of losing weight, making money and being spiritual… the traditional, “tried and true” (logical, masculine) ways in all of these have not worked for me either.



  185.  #185GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 11:48 am

    I just got back from my nice walk 🙂 I feel fresh and invigorated. So much so that I think I might even mow my lawn. It’s such a gorgeous day, I just crave being outside right now. The way my yard is looking though :-/ I wouldn’t be able to just go out there and relax. I’d be thinking of all my duties here, managing my property and how worn down it’s looking in the sun after the winter.



  186.  #186Femininewoman on April 9, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Cupcake honestly I do believe you are overthinking it with that “boy”. There is sexual attraction which is usually the first level when boy meets girl. If you are going to overthink I would say focus your mind to figure out what you need to see, smell or feel to get you physically turned on. Next honor yourself, your body for the aliveness of allowing you to feel turned on. Next look for different situations where you can allow this feeling of turned onness. I really don’t believe it is about this one man. It is all about you and what you can create.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on April 9, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Linda I really believe that man is in love with you. He might be dysfunctional but all that anger tells me he is emotionally invested in the relationship still. He is into drama it seems also and you are still engaging with him in the drama. Until you drop that habit it might continue.



  188.  #188ArabianLove on April 9, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    I always enjoy reading the advice you give on here femininewoman 🙂 ! Hope u are having a great day !!!!



  189.  #189Femininewoman on April 9, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Thanks Arabian. I did and it is now 11:12 p.m. here in Italy where I am now



  190.  #190ArabianLove on April 9, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Ouuhh sei molto fortunata 😉 !!!



  191.  #191Violette on April 9, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Cupcake the same things came up for me when I moved from one city to the next. For me underneath it all there was a ton of grief, healthy grief I guess, just about the ending of a very long era. And of course not knowing what would come next. I had a crazy sexual attraction with someone and it didn’t pan out. I was obsessed, totally weird and miserable about it. Then, out of the blue, someone I didn’t have to try for at all appeared and gave me a very precious romance, totally nice and kind and above board. I miss him still but hey, it’s over. I’m not sorry I did it.

    I’ve also once had a fling with someone in a foreign country who had a girlfriend, and even though it was lovely and all that, I would not recommend that. The whole thing left me with a horrible taste in my mouth.



  192.  #192ArabianLove on April 9, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Enjoy theverrryyyyy flirty men lol



  193.  #193GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    oooooeeeee I feel on fire today. Like a boss. Taking care of myself, taking care of my home 🙂
    I feel pleasantly exhausted and relaxed. Sipping tea in the sunshine. Still not quite warm enough for an icy drink.
    I love days like today. Feeling inspired, feeling boss, feeling refreshed, feeling proud and accomplished. I have about an hour till the man gets here after work. I want to use that time to shower, pamper myself a little. Put on some soft and comfy clothing. Put on some music…Maybe dance around naked as I get dressed 😀

    It’s been a re-vibe day through and through.



  194.  #194ArabianLove on April 9, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    I felt bothered by them :s



  195.  #195GlowStix on April 9, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    Today I feel the power in my masculine/feminine energy balance. A little bit of this, a little bit of that…It all comes together to create one frigging happy girl 😀



  196.  #196Amazed on April 9, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    @Tereana,Starla and Kyla – thank you so much for your advice, I feel heard and relieved now that I know what I can say. You are right..I don’t want to end things but need to stop wanting to fix things for him and stay in my feminine energy. That’s the biggest thing for me..I have felt uncomfortable with being in my boy energy with him. I feel uncomfortable with paying for food when we go out and didn’t know how to go about it. I am actually looking forward to the next time he brings up lack of money so I can tell him how I feel sad and worried, uncomfortable with conversation because I feel I need to fix things and that I feel confident he will figure things out. Thanks again sirens! I love this blog and all of you and Rori too of course!



  197.  #197Amazed on April 9, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you as well Amber…sorry I forgot to include you in my comment..and I definitely appreciate your advice. 🙂



  198.  #198Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Violette 190 That happened to me too when my relationship ended over a year ago and I was contemplating moving. I met this totally hot guy and we danced the night away (swing dancing, he was a great dancer/leader). And at the end of the night, he really wanted me to come home with him. Honestly I really wasn’t tempted even though he was very attractive because my heart and my spirit was so broken. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been in such a terrible funk! The timing, though, I thought was very interesting! I do think that big changes make us do out of the ordinary things and its probably best to be on the cautious side when we are in that extremely vulnerable position (at least for me).



  199.  #199April Rose on April 9, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    Linda,

    I admit I am puzzled.
    I don’t understand why you haven’t blocked his number.
    I also feel curious about the part of you that ‘bites’ when he comes fishing for drama.



  200.  #200Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    I have a date tonight. I would like it if he made me feel giggly and girly but I doubt it. Probably be a big disappointment like the others…OK slapping myself across the face now! LOL



  201.  #201Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    ON a more positive note, I have a phone interview tomorrow! Yay! Definitely luckier in work than I am in love! Oh well.



  202.  #202Linda on April 9, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    April Rose @198. Up until last night there has been no issue with the text. I guess I need to investigate how to block on my phone. I have a new carrier and maybe they offer it my last one did not.

    As far as me “biting”… I have ignored his attempts to contact me. Cards, email… this event pushed all my buttons. The things he accused me of were so derogatory I decided to address is. I was not able to ignore it. He slammed my character and I saw red! I usually choose to say nothing but it has become extremely detrimental to me. Even though I have been mad all day.. I have embraced it and not stuffed it all down like I usually do, making myself in my mind above it all. It is not working for me. I gotta break out of that way of behaving it has taken its toll on me.



  203.  #203Linda on April 9, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    FW @186. I too do not doubt at all that he is in love with me. That is one of the reasons I tried so hard to hang with it all and work thru stuff.

    Obviously I am still emotionally invested too. If I wasnt it would not matter at all what he said.

    I decided to speak up this time, practice my feeling mesages. As far as goes what I said actually was pretty good for me. I was true to what I was feeling and spoke up and did not stuff anything….. even if he did not “hear” me. I felt I had taken a BIG baby step at least.



  204.  #204Indigo on April 9, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Liquid Light,

    Yes, it’s very much like our version of the OJ Simpson trial.

    Oscar was a HUGE national hero here.



  205.  #205Indigo on April 9, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    I cannot wait till I leave my job at the end of next month.

    This job that I have has made it impossible for true wellbeing to occur, though I have truly tried and in that I have learnt.

    The constant drain on my energy, the constant people, the impossibility of working in the way that I need and want to, the noise and the controlling nature of the company and the management have taken a toll on my energy resources.

    But I truly cannot wait to be free of it. For me it’s like throwing off the shackles and stepping into the sunlight. I am so excited, I feel invigorated every time I think of what I need to do.



  206.  #206Indigo on April 9, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    * what I am about to do, rather



  207.  #207Starla on April 9, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    my boyfriend is taking me on a vacation next week. what’s funny is that it all started because i mentioned that i had time off of work around his birthday if he wanted to take a trip and have me come along, since I know he loves to travel. Next thing I knew, he was planning a surprise vacation for ME. he isn’t telling me where we’re going; just what to pack.

    he said the sweetest thing to me re: all the planning and whatnot: that all that matters is that we’re together for our vacation. sweet man. i love his masculine but sweet energy. he cares for me in the sweetest ways.



  208.  #208Starla on April 9, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    he knows how i love surprise and adventure and giving up control, so i feel so seen and specifically catered to that he is creating this mystery for me to facilitate all those things i love.



  209.  #209Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    Indigo, Do you think he’s guilty or not?



  210.  #210Liquid Light on April 9, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    Date was as expected pretty much a disaster 🙁 but I have another tomorrow evening. And I’m going to Kaui with my bro and his family!!! SO EXCITED!!!!! OMG!!!! SO SO SO SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  211.  #211Amber on April 9, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    Cupcake-173
    I would go for it. That is just me. I am still friends with a majority of my lovers because we were friends before we slept together, and really, the sex didn’t change anything. We woke up the morning after the same friends we were when we went to bed together. When I explain this to people they say I sound like a guy. Maybe so, but I know that when the intent was for pure pleasure, and that was understood by both parties going in, neither of us got our hearts broken, we simply enjoyed each other. I think this is more a boy-energy thing, but if you are not looking for a romantic, long term relationship with this nice young man, why not let your boy energy take care of your sexual needs?
    Ironically there is one guy that I wanted and never allowed this to happen with, and he’s the only regret. I don’t regret anything I HAVE done, but I sure regret the things I DIDN’T at least try for.
    Just my 2 cents
    much love,
    Amber



  212.  #212Millie on April 10, 2014 at 1:57 am

    Ok..so I went to this group dinner tonight and Mechanic was there. The only seats left open were near him, so I sat there. I greeted everyone in the same friendly manner. He did not get up to greet me. The whole dinner, he talked to this other woman sitting next to him on the other side, which didn’t bother me as much as his body language. He positioned himself, on purpose, or not, so that his arm and elbow was propped up like a wall so that his back was to me the ENTIRE night. We are on good terms, so this was perplexing to me. I commented to a friend of mine, since I was sitting at the head of the table that I felt like our conversation was in a cubicle and cut off from the rest of the table. My friend next to me said, that is because “Mechanic” has his back to us. He turned around and heard the comment, but continued his behavior. He barely said one word to me the whole night. I really couldn’t believe he would treat me that way. I left while he was in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him, since he barely spoke to me all night. I feel really upset. I thought we were close, that we are friends, that he values me in some way, but his behavior tonight was like night and day. Regardless if he is “into” me, I can’t believe he blatantly ignored me so and in my opinion, chose not to engage in any conversation I was having, even though I’m sure he could overhear me and others. I talked to other fun guys near me and overall had fun and enjoyed myself, but I couldn’t help feeling really distraught about how Mechanic acted. I want to say something, but on the other hand, we aren’t dating, he isn’t pursuing me, so I should have no cause to reach out and say–hey, why did you act that way? It really feels like night and day…he’s never been that cold with me in person before. Last we saw each other he was super friendly and touching my shoulder and saying all the things he loves about me. I don’t know if he is just trying to get with that other girl or what…..it doesn’t matter, but I don’t like being treated like that! What would you ladies do? Nothing?



  213.  #213ArabianLove on April 10, 2014 at 3:21 am

    Sink into ur feelings Millie ? Feel what you are going through and ask yoursel maybe why the lack of attention bothered you so much … i wouldnt say anything 🙂 … we dont know why he did what he did … maybe it was to get a reaction fromyou or maybe not … 🙂



  214.  #214ArabianLove on April 10, 2014 at 3:23 am

    But i understand how his hot and cold behaviour is hard to take !!!



  215.  #215Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 4:47 am

    Hm, why can’t I see all the posts? Or where is everyone? I’m on my phone, so it may not be loading properly…

    Anyway, glowstix (96), that’s an interesting trigger. I think a lot of people who have been in any kind of feminist environment feel that, that it’s “bad” if a woman just wants to be a wife and mom or something. And I can speak to that. My mom is feminist extaordinaire, and inculcated all those attitudes in me. But, at the end of the day, she was the “masculine” partner in the relationship, she is highly controlling, opinionated, negative, critical (the list goes on). It was damaging to me, and she and my father are no longer together. I’m not saying she is a bad person. Just that she is a horrible relationship role model for me.

    And I’ve had to seriously question, for myself, what’s really important. Obviously, I want to have a satisfying career doing meaningful work that helps people, brings joy to their lives, and supports me in the process. But do you know what’s really good about that? I picture myself being successful and happy, and that that makes me a happy and joyful mom and a loving partner – not a stressed out person who “takes it out” on her family (that was my parents’ method).

    So you see, for me, it’s not an “either or.” The fact of mating a career is for itself, but also to support my dream of having a family. And if I could simply love and be loved for the rest of my life, I’d be pretty happy with that. Because even if I didn’t “have” to work for money, I still would. In fact, something tells me that I would be even more creative and expressive if that were the case, because I would not be worried about it so much. And there is literally nothing more creative or expressive that I can think of, then creating a family by having a child. And that feels like my real calling, my real dream, inside of everything else.

    So I don’t want to judge women if they uphold the idea of being a good partner and a good mom. That, to me, is no small task, and it brings a lot of joy to the world, IF you are happy doing it. But if, for you, personally, it feels like a “trap,” or that there “should be more,” then of course, no one is forcing you to take on that attitude.

    So what is going on here for you? Are you triggered because some part of you might think that that could be enjoyable – that being a wife is a worthy pursuit and you feel “guilty” for feeling that way? Are you envying that these women are bold enough to go for what they want? Or are you simply judging them because what they want is different from what you want? I’m not saying you are wrong for how you feel, just wondering if there is a deeper layer to that trigger…

    What do you think? 🙂



  216.  #216Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 5:02 am

    Haha. Funny – I wrote “me wanting” and it came out “mating” lol

    Anyway, my update is that, for the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling this really sweet sense of equanimity. This is how I’ve always imagined I would want to feel on a mostly consistent basis (obviously it can’t be all the time. Variety is the spice of life ; ). But it’s nice. I haven’t even snapped at my mom, which is amazing. I haven’t always been happy with her, but I haven’t gotten “riled up” either. I guess I’ve decided that the damage it causes me, internally, just isn’t worth it.

    And I feel peace about M. This morning I haven’t heard from him, and we had a somewhat “sticky” conversation yesterday, but I still feel calm and at peace. Even though I don’t really know what he’s going to do next. Even though I don’t know really how he wants me to fit into his life. Even though I don’t know what’s next for me, exactly.

    But I approached my supervisor about an internal job at my company, and he recommended that I send my resume for it. I’m not “qualified” by education, but I believe I am qualified by experience, by commitment, by willingness to learn, and by my connection to the company. It feels better than applying fir a random job outside. And even though it’s not really “in my field,” it could be very helpful later on, if I do end up going to fashion school and maybe eventually starting my own business.

    So I guess taking care of myself does do wonders. If I take care of me, then I’m never looking to M or anyone else to fill the gaps. I have my dignity.

    And I’ve been listening to the “art of love” summit as well. Not everything, but I’ve caught some great conversations that, if nothing else, made me feel supported in doing the “work” of relationship, which is similar but different to what it means when you are single and dating. And Rori is right, it’s not really “work.” The work is really to NOT work. And I really need to take a break, and trust my man that he is there for me and that he has my best interests and well-being at heart.

    And to remember that I do love him, and he loves me already, so I don’t have to “fight” for that. There is nothing to prove. And to remember that we can play and have fun and laugh together, and that will be so much better than all the “discussions” in the world. 🙂 ✨



  217.  #217Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 6:26 am

    @Starla that sounds AWESOME, yay! I feel happy and tingly imagining a surprise trip being planned for me.

    Good morning Sirens! Last night at dinner Ninja asked the waiter to take our photo 🙂 My mom was watching the kids and he came in to introduce himself. He text when he got home that he’s trying hard to pace himself with me but its so hard, I give him chills down his spine when he looks in my eyes, stop time when I put my arms around him and when he kisses my lips he’s in a dream and thanked me for another wonderful night 🙂

    I feel so melty good and juicy and fearless. I’m not stuck in my head with him, I’m just in this flow and it feels natural and just effortless effort to catch, feel and express the emotion that’s coming at me. It all feels so cozy and thrilling and delicious.

    My sister is coming to visit this wkd and I’ve organised a girly spa day with her and my mom and daughter. I’m looking forward to some goddessy pampering time with my favorite ladies.



  218.  #218GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 6:57 am

    Tereana

    I mainly felt triggered for being used as an example of something that is going nowhere because i’m not a wife.
    I am not really a feminist…I just don’t see being a wife as the only way to a deep and intimate relationship. I really did not like the fact that i’m “just” a gf seemingly diminishes my relationship somehow. Family is #1 priority, and my belief is such that a traditional marriage is not the only way to create that.

    I work part time and mainly take care of my home as my daily “job”. I don’t really have a career nor do I really want one. I would love to be able to support myself financially through one of my art forms 🙂 that would be heaven for me.

    I think perhaps maybe you just misunderstood what triggered me.



  219.  #219Azure Blu on April 10, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Kyla 216
    Ohhh… I am enjoying reading alll the wonderful adventures you and Ninja are doing!!

    He sounds sooo masculine and you are an inspiration of what doing the Rori tools, leaning back etc… looks like!!
    I feel melty and smiley reading it all!!



  220.  #220GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 9:17 am

    I feel pretty secure in terms of my “rights” in my relationship because where I live common law status gives you *almost the same rights as a married couple.

    *I say “almost” because, just for example where home ownership is concerned you will have a right to half the appreciation value of the home instead of half the whole value. So it’s not quite the same but close enough.
    He also has me as his beneficiary etc so if something horrible happens, I won’t have no rights or power.



  221.  #221Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 10:06 am

    @ Azure Blu 😀



  222.  #222Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 10:17 am

    I’ve been practicing Ho’oponopono mantra again. “I’m Sorry, I Love You, Please Forgive Me, Thank You”. I can feel my heart flowing with love, peace, grace and mercy within moments of starting. It gives the simplest, most profound results of all the meditation, clearing or affirmation practices I’ve used. Things around me are moving so quickly and there is so much still coming up for healing. I feel like I’ve integrated so many of Rori’s tools into my defaults that they seem automatic for the most part and that feels like immense progress to me. I feel refreshed and unburdened.



  223.  #223Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Millie, Did you “diss” him the last time you saw him or do something that he could perceive that way? That’s just really extreme behavior at the dinner party, it sounds like he was feeling angry/hurt and wanting to get you back. Maybe you have been too aloof with him…there is an element to the way you write here when it comes to him protecting yourself and keeping it all together. For instance, you said you had fun talking to other men at the dinner party but really you felt deeply hurt by his ignoring you. He will never know that by the way you acted. Just my 2 cents and observation based on what you wrote here…I might be way off base though so take it with a grain of salt.

    (((((((((((((((((Millie))))))))))))))))))))



  224.  #224Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Liquid Light – was last night’s date with coffee or something guy or architect? Sorry to hear it was disappointing either way.. first dates generally feel meh to me..

    So who’s tonight with? What are you wearing? 🙂



  225.  #225Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 11:36 am

    It was with someone first date, met at a restaurant at dinner time so figured it was for dinner but then he didn’t order anything to eat. But I did and he shared mine! Its OK, he seemed like he was gay, if I’d met him out and about I’d def think he was so no attraction there at all.

    Tonight is another first date. Feeling sorta blah about that one too, better than having high expectations and then being disappointed….again. sigh. I don’t know what I’m wearing yet but figuring it out is always the funnest part! hahahhaha!!!



  226.  #226Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 11:43 am

    architect was the one who invited me to come over to his place…when I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with that he replied OK and I haven’t heard from his since. What a loser!



  227.  #227Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    the chef just popped up again after several months…saying how are you? hahaha! I totally for got about him. Not really into him either. Not really into anyone…feeling like my love life is doomed 🙁



  228.  #228Kyla on April 10, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Ahhhh yeah I remember, it says a lot about the man when he’s not interested in making us feel comfortable from the beginning doesn’t it! Next 😀
    My favorite part of dating is doing my hair hahahaha



  229.  #229Andrea on April 10, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    On Tuesday I had the day off. My Joe facebooked messaged.. (like he always does…) that boring non-comittal “Hi, how are you this morning beautiful.”

    It was ten in the morning… I messaged back: “I am feeling lazy and stretching like a cat on my soft white comforter. It feels like clouds. I feel like sipping on wine right now and having a long langorious massage. mmmmmm”

    He messaged, “Uhm… I can do that. I can be there by noon.”

    HEeeehheeee…. so, I had the Tuesday of dreams. He brought two bottles of wine and some coconut oil. And we sipped wine all afternoon and he gave me a deep full body massage. Then we napped, and he took me for lunch at about four.

    My gosh, it was nice. feel bliss that men can produce these moments…

    Ed wants me to come see his ranch on Saturday. I said, “I feel hesitant to drive all the way out there. I feel nervous about getting lost.” all girlie voice.

    He said, “I’ll drive to you, pick you up, we can go for pizza, then I’ll give you a tour of my place and have you home with in a few hours. Yes? You want to?”

    I like that. He really wants me to see his ranch. I feel kind of… cool… it’s cool I’m dating a “cowboy”.



  230.  #230Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    his Ranch???? oh la la la, Andrea, sounds great!



  231.  #231Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    yeah, Kyla, he was just looking for sex is my takeaway



  232.  #232Millie on April 10, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Liquid Light,

    No I haven’t done anything to “diss” him. I thought we were on good terms. The only reason for his behavior I can think of is that he doesn’t want to lead me on, so he ignored me and preferred to talk to this other woman instead.

    Well I wasn’t going to have a bad time on purpose because he was acting that way….

    I want to say something, but I’m scared.

    He doesn’t want me…if he did, he would have talked to me.



  233.  #233Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    still seems strange to me but maybe you are right [scratching head]



  234.  #234Indigo on April 10, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    Liquid Light,

    It is really hard to say. I don’t believe he intended to murder Reeva, but I do believe he was reckless and unreasonable.

    I don’t believe it was premeditated, I think it was just a general recklessness with firearms on his part… either way, it seems he is guilty of some crime.



  235.  #235Indigo on April 10, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Millie,

    I would not take Mechanic’s behavior personally at all, if I were you.

    I don’t think you have done anything, and I don’t think it’s about you at all, I think it is completely about him, so I would encourage you to see it that way.

    I think all you can really do in a situation like this is to figure out how you feel about how he acted, and express this to him the next time he comes close to you or communicates with you.

    If I were you I would say that I felt confused or didn’t enjoy myself.

    I experienced this with my ex. And for myself personally I made a personal decision not to put myself in a situation where I would be ignored. I know it sounds extreme, but if I feel ignored to the point that I feel bad, I would leave the venue.

    *Hugs*



  236.  #236Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    yeah, I agree with that Indigo

    so what’s the general sentiment in S Africa? That it was self-defense or that it was an act of rage and anger?



  237.  #237Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    just booked the flight to Kauai woohooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  238.  #238Rori Raye on April 10, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Syreena – how about this: Tell him the truth!!! Say: “You know, I like you, you’re a nice man, I feel good when I’m with you, and – remember the horse race? I heard you call another woman a “whore,” and then I could feel myself just shut down, shut off from you, and completely turn off. I wish I could just fade out of dating you, and I can – and thought maybe I’d see what would happen if I told you the truth, instead.”

    A man I know and like once said something about another man that just shocked me, turned me off, upset me. I’d never, ever, in years of knowing him heard him say anything like that about anyone. I talked to him about it. It was a learning experience for us both, for different reasons. And – like it or not – we ALL THINK nasty thoughts in “inappropriate” language in our HEADS. So – when it comes out our mouths (or HIS mouth) – it’s an opportunity to find out what’s really going on inside that head. And, just because it’s in our heads, or comes out our mouths (very, very rarely) – doesn’t mean that’s who we are. Love, Rori



  239.  #239Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    wow, this chef is just too much…this is w hat he just wrote to me:

    You have googled me right??
    I am an attractive romantic french chef who is adored by the locals!:)
    do you really think is wise to pass on me?:(

    wow! hahahaha!!!



  240.  #240Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Rori, I love what you wrote to Syreena. I typically write someone off when something really egregious happens like that but I really like your suggestion…It might be good for me try something like that…hmmmm interesting! thank you!!!



  241.  #241Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Oy, Millie (211), that sounds awful! I think your gut instinct is correct – he was definitely trying to “get with” that girl. That would explain his body language being turned toward her. And conspicuously away from you. Which of course feels bad. No doubt! I say don’t take it personally, even though it definitely is personal in nature. He was there “with her” so he couldn’t run the risk of jeopardizing his “play” on her by giving you any attention. That’s my theory. And I suspect it indicates he may still have some attraction for you. But if he is “pursuing” another woman, I personally would not even want that attraction, even if it were there. I do not want to be an “other woman.” I want to be “the woman.”

    So I’m sure he would be totally personable when it was just you two. Because then “she” is not there. And you can decide if that’s a kind of interaction you want with him. Because even if he wants that other woman, I’m sure he would be totally glad to have your attention and attraction regardless. Again, it’s totally up to you. I don’t think you need to “do” or say anything. Just let him chase her. Who knows if it will even be a good thing. And CD your little heart out in the mean time : )

    But ugh…yeah. That really s*cks.



  242.  #242GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    Liquid light 237

    wooooohooooo have fun:)

    239

    bahaha omg that is really too much 😀
    I sometimes find this kind of “big head” talk seksy and endearing in a man, as long as it’s all in good humour. 🙂



  243.  #243Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Omg LL!!! LOL. Haha. You can print that one out and frame it for the gallery of Come-on from Guys Who Think They Are All That. Lol (but don’t even reply ; ) that’s priceless!!! 🙂

    I’ve got to tell you, I’ve been a waitress (briefly) and chefs have the biggest egos. Holy crap. Sounds like du narcissisme extraordinaire…



  244.  #244Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    yeah, it is pretty funny but sadly I think he’s completely serious!!! OMG!!!!



  245.  #245Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    thanks glowstix! 🙂



  246.  #246Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    here’s another one:

    I am French!
    I get bypass that!!
    Trust me on that….I am well qualified for it!!

    The “that” that he’s referring to is that I expect a real date

    hahahaha!!!! what a hoot!!!!



  247.  #247Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Or you could reply. I don’t know. Sounds to me like a beautiful codependency just waiting to bloom. And maybe I am dismissing him too fast. But he sounds both egotistical and desperate. Tread with caution. And only if “an attractive romantic chef who is adored by all the locals” (and hopes you have googled him, right???) is what gets you all randy… ; )

    Remember, if you don’t, he will be : (



  248.  #248GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    LOL

    Oh shiiit that’s funny!



  249.  #249Cupcake on April 10, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Millie-

    Can I just say– I don’t like Mechanic. This isn’t the first time you’ve written about him that I’ve felt a “Grrrrr!!!!” in my stomach and thought, “What a doooooooochhbag.”

    Not being “into” someone is one thing. Bad manners is something else altogether. Anyone, male or female, who acts that way at a dinner party, for any reason whatsoever is being rude to not only the person they’re ignoring but also their hosts and everyone else at the party.

    Bad manners, for me, are a deal-breaker. An act of such discourtesy sounds the gong.

    He’s repeatedly shown that it’s all about him, and demonstrated kindness to you only when (it seems to me) he thinks there might be some nookie in it for him.

    Don’t give him another thought. He’s so self-absorbed he’s like a sponge with a Narcissism complex.

    I always read your posts with real attention because you remind me of myself in the past. You are so sweet and so lovely, generous and concerned about other people.

    My prayer for you is that you work your self-esteem muscle. It’s like any other muscle– you have to give it a work-out. Claim that for yourself. Study self-esteem. There’s lots about it on the internet. Maybe you already do work on it.

    If I were in that situation with that donkey’s backside at the dinner party, I would have made a point of having such a good time and ignoring him that I would have left feeling triumphant. That’s me NOW. In the old days, I would have left feeling the way you describe feeling.

    It gets better, Millie. You deserve better, honey.

    Now, I invite you to repeat after me, loudly– “What a dooooooooooooosssshhh!!!!!!!!”

    Girlfriend, I am telling you– Truer words were never spoken.

    Cupcake



  250.  #250Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Haha. LL I think you are right. He IS totally serious. I hate that I am laughing at someone right now, but it was a very self-centered letter and, IMO, not at all romantic. Lol. More like a business pitch. I just find it silly. Thank you for sharing 🙂



  251.  #251Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Lol Cupcake, you are spot on about Mechanic. For me, too, that was just plain rude. PLUS, he was doing it bc he was macking on some other girl. Not cool. Lol. I’m with you..



  252.  #252Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    yeah, its pretty entertaining stuff

    he asked me what I did and I told him and then I said “Google it” and he did! hahahahaha!!!!



  253.  #253GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    (((millie)))

    I don’t know the history but this brings to mind the idea of “lacking social maturity”. Onward, upward lady!



  254.  #254Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    the point I was making about mechanic and his behavior is that sometimes we act in a really irrational/rude/impolite way when we are triggered or are feeling some strong emotion. It can come out in very odd ways and his behavior makes me curious if there was something else beneath it driving him to behave in such a strange way…it is not always black and white. but yeah I agree she didn’t deserve to be treated like that and he’s probably just not worth her time based on all the other things he did prior to this…



  255.  #255GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    LL

    Sassy lol 😉

    I’ll remind you to bring a pin if you do *happen* to meet this man.
    For the ballon on his shoulders 😉



  256.  #256GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    LL 254

    100% agreed. There is something “there” and it’s more than “not wanting” you, millie.
    He had some kind of “stuff” going on inside him and that was simply his way of coping with it (however impolitely) ..Although speculating as to what that “stuff” is is rarely beneficial. Just understanding that it’s there.



  257.  #257Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    chef says:

    If you meet me…you will see!:)
    It’s up to you…
    lot’s fools out there..I am far from them!



  258.  #258Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    I’m so tempted……NOT!!! LOL!



  259.  #259Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Glowstix 218 – perhaps! Or I just didn’t have enough context or information to know where it was coming from. And then it sparked this whole train of thought for me. I totally redirect that. Marriage is not for everyone, and I know many wonderful couples who have been together for years, and always will be together, and don’t feel the need to get married.

    To me, getting married is important. Not that it’s the only way to have a relationship. And it scares me. But I know it’s what I want. Although I am not so fond of labels like husband and girlfriend. They are true. But my overall preference is partner. Because, married or not, that’s the kind of relationship I want.

    For me, marriage might be the “icing on the cake.” But it sure makes it a more delicious cake. It holds it together and keeps the juices in. That’s how I think about it anyway. But I’m not here to preach the benefits. I think everyone should choose the path that’s right for them to feel safe, secure, and happy. And for many people, that means *not* getting married. Sounds like you have a really great relationship. I support you : )



  260.  #260Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Ps, Glowstix maybe your kind of cake doesn’t need icing. Maybe it’s a cheesecake. Or a pound cake. There are all kinds of cake ; )



  261.  #261GlowStix on April 10, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks Tereana, for your support!
    I did kind of post that “on it’s own” away from the contextual posts. lol

    <3



  262.  #262Tereana on April 10, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    LL, oh my goodness…

    Well, you can’t fault him for having low self esteem ; )



  263.  #263Millie on April 10, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Cupcake you rock!!!!!!!!
    Donkeys behind it is!!!! Actually….I did make a point of flirting with two other men blatantly in front of him when I caught on to what was happening with him and that other chick. Honestly, I don’t like him anymore either!!! I kind of want to tell him so….that he was being a complete jerk. But I don’t feel confident reaching out and doing so. I was pissed off but I didn’t show it at all during dinner. God what a jerk! Thank you cupcake!!!!



  264.  #264Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    Tereana, Nope! hahahahaha!!!!!!



  265.  #265Cupcake on April 10, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    LL- am wondering–

    Is he, like, the Chef on South Park?

    I hear that message in Isaac Haye’s voice.

    🙂



  266.  #266Cupcake on April 10, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Tereana-

    Maybe LL’s Chef can whip up a cake!!! Icing and all!

    (Not that it’s one we’d want….)



  267.  #267Liquid Light on April 10, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    cupcake: hahahaha!!! 🙂

    Oh and he’s a philosopher too…the latest:

    And by the way, it not about who and/or what I am…
    It’s about what opportunities ones short life present itself and seizing that moment or that day!
    Carpe diem!:)



  268.  #268Syreena on April 10, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Rori TY for sharing your thoughts about me saying that it made me feel shut down.
    It made me feel scared. The same with the constant reaching out and commenting on scantily womens pictures in underwear and sexy outfits. They feel like red flags to me.
    It feels safer for me to do the slow fade, I have a bad feeling that speaking the truth my truth will just teach him not to say it again hiding his true self. I am not normally one to shut down. I am normally the opposite and am a blurt things out. When I have on five occasions I can recall in my life, it has saved me from harm. So in this case I trust my choosing to say nothing and shut up. He categorized women who wore revealing clothes as whores in a contemptuous way and yet reaches out and gives compliments online to scantily clad women.
    His mask slipped for a moment. I saw beneath it.

    Him and his ex wife both cheated on each other, I recently found that out. He is has gone out of his way to after I have revealed things I say I am not keen on or don’t like to change what he has previously said to ‘appear’ that he is compatible with me. Also pounces on me quickly if I go online or answer any messages.

    He’s not what I want, I know he isn’t. I know I need to get myself out of his clutches and away.
    I don’t want to play a part in him to getting even better at strategically learning the right PC thing to say.
    It feels better to keep myself out of his clutches.
    I don’t want a man who categorizes women as Madonnas or whores. He’s not for me.



  269.  #269Veronica on April 10, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    FW -186 – Oh wow, I love the way you wrote this. I like the idea of being so turned on by a situation and not really have to act on it in the conventional ways, instead I can take that energy and do with it what I will. It feels more sireny for me to do that, getting into my sensuality and also putting myself in full ENJOY mode with this man. Slowly burning HOTness.



  270.  #270Millie on April 10, 2014 at 9:16 pm

    Cupcake, Indigo, Glowstix, Tereana, and Liquid Light,
    I wrote you fabulous ladies a response on the newest thread!

    Thank you so much for all your support through this “Mechanic” saga…..I know it is hard (Andrea I have you in mind right now) to watch someone make choices that are not in her best interest. I thank you all for your patience through this endeavor and I can’t wait to share NEW experiences with you ladies!



  271.  #271Indigo on April 10, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    Liquid Light 236,

    I would say general sentiment is very much against him.

    We are really tired of brutality against women and children in this country, and I think most people would like to see him convicted.



  272.  #272Michelle on April 11, 2014 at 5:32 am

    My fiance and I have been dating for 4 1/2 years. It is now his sons graduation and he doesnt want me to attend because his ex wife will be there and they will be sitting together. They are also having a graduation party together. should I tell him I am going away for the weekend so he can focus on his son and the party? He has made it very clear that I am not his priority. Please give me some advise. when his ex wife calls even though they have been divorced for 16 years he is always there for her. She is remarried and her husband will be attending all the graduation activities.



  273.  #273Rori Raye on April 11, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Michelle – This is all about what you want. I’d never, in a million years, want to be with a man who hasn’t married me after 4 1/2 years, and won’t take me to his son’s graduation. If you love him anyway, and think this is going well for you, and want to accept it without comment, complaint or Feeling Messages “Honey, I don’t feel good after 4 1/2 years being excluded from your son’s graduation when your wife will be there with her husband.” Then, either: “I’m not sure I’ll be here when you get back.” And just turn around and go into the kitchen, and do NOT get involved in a big discussion. It’s like what Cutty said to House: “I get why this is okay with YOU, what I don’t get is how you could in a million years think it would be okay with any part of ME.” OR:

    “You know, I don’t feel good or comfortable with this, in fact I feel incredibly angry, yet I love you and will take you even with this.” – Somewhere in the middle, with complaining and whining is NOT a good idea.

    If he capitulates and says – “Okay – come!” I’d do it. Put on the best face you’ve got and go make friends with his ex and son. Just don’t talk about it at all beforehand. Get dressed and be ready to go by the door. Love, Rori



  274.  #274Rori Raye on April 11, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Syreena, I’m with you on this …Love, Rori



  275.  #275Syreena on April 11, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    TY Rori.



  276.  #276Syreena on April 11, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    It felt good to hear that.



  277.  #277Daisy on April 15, 2014 at 5:02 am

    I feel the same with Iris, I was engaged last March, his proposal happened so fast over a quiet dinner, perhaps I was expecting more. I felt so happy and always practicing the feeling statements. What is surprising is I am having feelings of insecurity even more, I want to hear his voice all the time, read his text messages and emails. I want to feel his arms more often and also opened up this feelings of sadness to him and he indeed offered a hug to help ease my worriness and I keep longing for more. I am also going about circular dating and making friends and I seem to want the flow of communication happen exactly like how it did with my fiancee. And I try to do all the things I love to do trying to set aside from thoughts away from him but it has been difficult. I feel reassured when I keep on reading over and over again what I learned from this site and the newsletters I have received.



  278.  #278Aubrey on April 16, 2014 at 8:03 am

    This is my first time posting and a new member. I had met a guy and it took us about 3 weeks to have our first date since we were both busy. That was a bit a month ago and we have been talking ever since. I had one to many drinks and asked him how he would feel if someone asked me out-they had but I am happy with seeing how things go and not really interested in dating multiple men…been there done that. However, I wish I wouldn’t have said anything and let the exclusivity thing happen naturally with him asking. He said he would prefer that I didn’t date anyone else. Do I just let this be and not bring it up again our tell him that I feel silly for bringing up the topic. We are still talking and he continues to ask me out….I have since backed off A bit from making initial contact since I like to be asked out. Thoughts please!



  279.  #279Asbah Kazi on April 16, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Hi Rori,
    I wasn’t sure where to post this question.
    I’m 23 and I’ve started circular dating after feeling quite pooped about a guy.
    I haven’t been on many dates with him, but we have such good chemistry I got excited very quickly. I’ve started circular dating after seeing myself closing in on him and really trying to hunt him down and make him mine.
    The issue I’m facing is that I know he likes me, but he’s terrible with contact. I want him to start calling instead of texting only and seeing me occasionally. How can I make this happen and still be a diva?
    Thanks for all your amazing work, I feel more empowered everyday using your tools!



  280.  #280chelly on April 17, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    why if you find out your man has a totally different last name …hmmmm together three years and this just came out