Why Are You Here With Him?

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circular datingThe question is, “If a man is not giving you what you want, what you need, what you deserve, then: For what reason are you there?”

Ask yourself that question every time your brain starts taking you to something specific about a man or a situation… and you find yourself going down that rabbit hole about it.

I want you to ask yourself, “For what reason am I here?

The answer is always going to be “…because I’m feeling a sense of urgency.”

I’m feeling a need. I’m feeling desperate.

I’m feeling a sense of lack.

I’m staying where I really don’t want to be because I have hope that it’s going to get better…

None of these reasons are good enough for you.

There’s a whole other way to go.

Yes,  this is all counter-intuitive. It’s not the way we WANT to go. The way we’re PROGRAMMED to go.

If you’re struggling and trying and working hard to meet the right man, and you’re dating, you could say to this, “What do you mean? I’m not ANYWHERE!

And yet – you are.

You may not be WITH a particular man for any length of time, but you’re “in the company of” men.

There are going to be men you’re attracted to who aren’t working for your best interests even from the “get go.” So why are you there – THINKING about this man?

There are going to be men who are more like the actor Kevin James from the show “King of Queens,” a little heavier, a little not so “looker” – but the kind of man who really is a dreamboat in an emotional sense. A man who really wants to love you. To give you everything you want.

The question is – why do we immediately turn up our noses at him? Is it really all about “Chemistry?”

I don’t think so.

I think we women are able to create “Chemistry” with a great many men we walk past.

So: If you’re not happy with the man you’re with because of the way he treats you, the way he talks to you, the way he touches you – and you’ve learned how to use Feeling Messages and Lean Back and not Judge – For what reason are you there?

And if you’re not happy with the men you’re attracted to because of the way they treat you, talk to you, touch you or demonstrate INTEREST in you and a desire to COMMIT to you – For what reason are you THERE?

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on October 26, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Great question.

  2.  #2Turquoise on October 26, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    Oh…. Good question. Most of the men I date are not highly attractive. They are attractive to me because of a variety of qualities. I’m attracted to bigger guys…. Because they look strong, capable…. And protective. I also don’t feel bad about my weight or size in comparison. I feel small next to a bigger guy. I’m highly attracted to dark hair and light eyes. Think Superman, Elvis, John Travolta…. Whew!!
    The quality I like most though, is a smart man. Seriously… Someone who runs a business, has 2 degrees, talks about all sorts of things like a pro, speaks another language, plays instruments… Hard working, talented, smart men… That could keep me around with less than stellar treatment because it seems rare. I’ve learned not to tolerate bad behavior though…. And have spent significant amounts of time being single.
    This time I’m not giving up and walking away from dating. I want love on my life. I’m staying open to it.
    I went out with my single dad guy friend last night for snacks, and we talked a lot about being single, pros and cons of dating, etc. I don’t want to date him… Would be overly complicated with our kids, but I appreciate his friendship and having him in my life. We help each other out, it’s nice. Not much opportunity to CD the world today, but I enjoyed watching Dancing with the Stars and thinking how it’s not too late to learn something new, to get in shape…. And how much I’d love to take dance lessons with my love someday. 🙂

  3.  #3Emerson on October 26, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    335 Indigo from previous thread…

  4.  #4Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Thank you very much Emerson!

  5.  #5RileyTheOwl on October 27, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Hi there sirens! 🙂

  6.  #6Femininewoman on October 27, 2015 at 5:05 am

    Hi Riley. Welcome back 🙂

  7.  #7Azure Blu on October 27, 2015 at 5:35 am


  8.  #8Tee on October 27, 2015 at 8:13 am

    I’m back ladies. I keep falling off the wagon but I have a question lol Can you reverse modes with your partner? It appears that I’m stuck in boy mode while my fiancé is stuck in girl mode. I hate it but I’m seeing that I’m naturally a people pleaser (yuck) so it doesn’t seem to take long for me to fall back into DOING ASKING WONDERING ANTICIPATING, etc.
    He even seems better at Leaning Back then I am!
    Advice please

  9.  #9Victoria on October 27, 2015 at 8:43 am

    the question is, what if you can’t? What if he is a feminine energy man, fullstop?

  10.  #10Starla on October 27, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Hi Tee!
    If leaning back isn’t working, then the first thing in my opinion is to look at what you call “leaning back” and see if you are undermining your intentions anywhere. What are you doing to lean back? Tell us a bit more. I KNOW we can help you.

  11.  #11Femininewoman on October 27, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Tee also how do you feel taking the lead?

  12.  #12Starla on October 27, 2015 at 9:47 am

    To comment on this post and some of the comments that followed, one of the best things I ever did was stop pursuing (or taking less than what I wanted from) men who had so many admirable, rare qualities but didn’t spend enough energy or time engaging in a fulfilling relationship with me.

    I made #1 requirement be “wants to have a real relationship with me and proves it.”

    #2 is that they have an adult sense of responsibility.

    #1 is important for even giving them the time of day for CDing, and #2 is important for a relationship that may grow out of it. I gave my guy, who was lacking in #2 in my eyes, a chance on the basis of #1. He caught up real quick with #2, knowing that I had too much respect for myself to get closely involved with a guy who doesn’t make the greatest of choices all the time.

    And of course, we have compatible senses of humor and all that. But sometimes we don’t! Sometimes we are total opposites. Our values, however, are very similar with some subtle differences. Similar values would probably be my #3 for long term requirements.

    Everything wonderful in our relationship flows from #1 – he wants to have a fulfilling relationship with me and proves it every day. Honestly, he’s not some rare snowflake even though he IS intelligent and interesting and funny. But I AM a snowflake of sorts, and he is interested in understanding me, supporting me, and allowing me to flourish under his care so I can be more of my unique self.

    We went through a period of bad fighting, but since #1 is true for him, we were able to get through to the other side. Everything, I think, will always come back to #1. And if #1 isn’t there, then I shouldn’t be there either.

  13.  #13Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 10:33 am


    I feel very inspired by what you have written here. And I feel like I have grown so much in my relationship with myself that I can no longer tolerate less than from a man. There is this guy I’m dating, B – he is fine, there is nothing wrong with him, he mostly does everything right. I’m sure he would be open to making changes if I asked him – maybe. But we just don’t connect. Our outlooks and values are poles apart. He’s intelligent but talks at me rather than to me. I don’t feel like I can flourish and be my best self around him. I feel myself falling into the masculine energy trap of intellectualising everything when I’m around him because I don’t feel how I want to feel. Sigh. No, I’m going to end it.

  14.  #14Starla on October 27, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Sometimes you’re just not a match, right? It happens pretty much 100% of the time, except for with the man you commit to forever.

    I also think that this sounds like an excellent opportunity to practice connecting with your feelings. He’s not forcing you into masculine energy by BEING masculine and up in his head himself. I wonder if you sink more deeply into what’s going on, what would come up for you? In line with the theme of this article, what message does he have for you? What do you have to learn?

  15.  #15Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 11:17 am

    What do I have to learn? It’s hard to say. The one thing that comes up for me is that I have a fear of ending things if someone is not doing something specifically wrong. I have a fear of how I am going to justify my decision to others. And this pushes me into masculine energy. Being someone that I’m not, in order to make the situation “work”.

    Last night he was talking about a particular ethnic group, and how they should not be surprised that they have been persecuted because they are so adamant about their ways and beliefs, and that anyone who goes out of their way to be different should expect to be bullied. And I was lying there, physically tensing up, thinking I cannot listen to any more of this. This is so at odds with who I am. Yet putting my point of view across was pointless. And I didn’t want to get into a debate with him. When I am lying in a man’s arms I want to feel soft and romantic, I want to feel cherished. This is just one example of where I don’t feel we are meshing, yet I know there is a certain social status reason which is keeping me here for the time being. That is ok. I’ll know what to do soon enough.

  16.  #16Starla on October 27, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    “And I was lying there, physically tensing up, thinking I cannot listen to any more of this. This is so at odds with who I am. Yet putting my point of view across was pointless. And I didn’t want to get into a debate with him. When I am lying in a man’s arms I want to feel soft and romantic, I want to feel cherished.”

    I am sitting over here going “ah-ha!” because this sounds like where you shut down instead of share your feelings. As a siren, your job is to notice and SHARE your feelings. We do hesitate as sirens to share too much negativity, but often the problem is we’re sharing opinions and not feelings (even if we think we’re doing it right) so it just seems like it’s causing problems and drama when pure feeling wasn’t even shared in the first place.

    Before I forget to mention it, a woman having a more compassionate and forgiving view towards the world is a VERY common and classic disparity experienced with male partners, especially masculine ones. Most men I meet do not see a lot of valid victimization around them. This is a reflection of their masculine energy. This is why they NEED a soft woman to balance them out.

    I’d probably go with “I feel myself tensing up hearing that. I don’t feel good looking at the world quite that way.”

    Then he gets to lead in how he responds to that. He may very well ask you what your preferred view is and you will tell him what feels good to hold as a world view, and you could even find yourself in a conversation about how you feel worried you two don’t see the world enough the same. You might be pleasantly surprised by the way he leads you both through this if you start by telling him your feeling responses to what he says about the world around him.

    Or maybe he’ll just get weird and defensive and you’ll have your answer.

  17.  #17Starla on October 27, 2015 at 12:22 pm

    “Oh I feel such sadness in my heart hearing that”

    I mean, honestly, how can a man resist going deeper into that?
    more hypothetical feeling messages
    “I feel so moved by everyone’s struggle in the world, and i don’t want to stamp out any group’s uniqueness.”

    “I feel helpless when I hear someone suggest letting a group of people suffer or that it’s their fault. I don’t want there to be any suffering.”

    He might even be like “suffering is a fact of life, babe”

    “I feel awful believing that…”

    I feel melty and nonconfrontational just typing these. Like your feeling message opposition to his intellectual stance is the meltiest most irresistable butter…

  18.  #18Femininewoman on October 27, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    “yet I know there is a certain social status reason which is keeping me here for the time being”

    I feel a certain sadness reading this. I wonder what is the lesson here for me?

  19.  #19Azure Blu on October 27, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    Wow… I love these feeling messages for discussions of this sort…
    Spirit will bring up things the same as Indigo’s B…
    during these talks
    I do get in my head to share my ideas on how I believe the world can be…

    This is sooo good for me to see how sharing MY feelings NOT thinking
    Works sooo well…
    I too feel all melty and soft reading your feeling messages

    I have found this to be very true!!!
    “a woman having a more compassionate and forgiving view
    towards the world
    is a VERY common and classic disparity experienced with male partners,
    especially masculine ones.
    Most men I meet do not see a lot of valid victimization around them.
    This is a reflection of their masculine energy.
    This is why they NEED a soft woman
    to balance them out.”

    BUT it is sooo refreshing to share thoughts and ideas with men that have MORE EMPATHY….
    They don’t have to match me exactly…
    but really
    to SHARE ideas…
    NOT try and change each other…
    Recently, This was an issue I wanted to change in me
    I needed to change this in ME… I tend to be a know it all!!! :-))
    When I stopped ARGUING and started listening and
    asking questions because I am interested in learning more about the person in front of me…
    It has truely made an amazing difference in people wanting to get closer to me!!!

  20.  #20Azure Blu on October 27, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    Indigo #15
    You will know what to do… when the time comes.

    and why not keep him in your rotation…

    I’ve been learning so much about me by keeping
    more men in my rotation…
    For me to practice… using more feeling messages
    I can see THIS is something I NEED
    much more practice with!!
    Thanks, Sirens for encouraging me
    to use this magical TOOL MORE often…

  21.  #21Zara on October 27, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    8: Tee says:
    *****I’m back ladies. I keep falling off the wagon but I have a question lol Can you reverse modes with your partner? It appears that I’m stuck in boy mode while my fiancé is stuck in girl mode. I hate it but I’m seeing that I’m naturally a people pleaser (yuck) so it doesn’t seem to take long for me to fall back into DOING ASKING WONDERING ANTICIPATING, etc.
    He even seems better at Leaning Back then I am!
    Advice please*****

    The answer is in your words.
    Trace back in your memory at what point you fall back into leaning forward. Is it at the same point every time?
    Is it in that quiet point after we’ve just let go of the roars? Is stillness creating anxiety inside you? A sense of emergency? A need to make something happen? Is silence pulling you out of your body and into your head?

    Stopping the overfunctionning, doing nothing, is step 2 of Rori’s program. It brings up emotional stuff to the surface. Anxiety.
    Being opened to what may come , vulnerable and sharing our true self through our feelings is step 3 and brings more stuff up from the subconscious.

    Step 4 might be where you might be choosing to run out of your body and back into your head and lean forward to get a fix against anxiety.

    The way out of that rut is to trust you will be fine while dealing with the soup of emotions. You will be fine within yourself and on this planet. No matter what the man does. Wether he comes closer and it’s scary or he keeps leaning back and it’s frustrating. You will be fine. The world is not going to break open under your feet. Your heart is not going to stop beating. Getting through step 4 to step 5 you will be fine because it reaches inside yourself to the love you are made of. It leads to love yourself.

    And you will not end up alone. Either the actual man will switch into his masculine energy and pick up the roars and be the captain of this boat ( his own way, not yours), or another man is going to be attracted to your vulnerability and pick up the roars himself as you see the actual man vanish away from the picture.

    It takes several tries. And you can do it.


  22.  #22April Rose on October 27, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    Do you mean ‘oars’?

  23.  #23Zara on October 27, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    April Rose 22

    Yes! 🙂 Oars, not roars. Lol
    Thank you for pointing this out.


  24.  #24Tee on October 27, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    Thank you ladies for responding. I’ll try to give you more information. I met my fiancé in high school so we go way back.
    He chased me. I had my own life, schedule, friends, etc.

    At some point, I decided that he was the key (prize) to my emotional survival. I chased him & then I’d pull away. Chase & pull. We did this for years. I was always after him because I had nothing else going on. He was what I wanted & everything else was a pitiful distraction.

    Now that I have him smh lol I’ve been feeling like I made way too many mistakes. I should have allowed him to come to me instead but I couldn’t wait. I saw no need for friends or even anything outside of him.

    I became that puppy dog just sitting & waiting. I did so many things to try to keep his focus on me at all times. Whenever he would attempt to do anything outside of myself, my anxieties would flare up, I’d get jealous and even mean.

    The stillness, the anxiety, the silence, I get jittery and it’s hard to be still…it drives me crazy. So I sometimes ask questions, I become sarcastic, have an attitude, etc.

    I hate this yet I feel like we’re stuck. I don’t know that he’s a feminine man, I just think that my lack of patience, self esteem, friends, etc make it hard to sit back and just BE.

  25.  #25Millie on October 27, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    Hi Ladies!! So much to comment on and discuss!!

    Lovergirl (From the previous thread)
    I want to say that I can totally understand how easy it is to feel “unworthy” when comparing your status to a man’s. However, I agree with all the sirens who posted that status is short-lived and a real man is measured by his ability to give to a woman and how he treats her. Focus on all your amazing siren qualities and feeling amazing at the man magnet you totally are!!! Additionally, I wanted to know how you, and other sirens, felt about his “You’re a champ!” comment? Maybe I am overanalyzing, but that struck me as something a man would say to another man…I don’t know, something about didn’t feel good to me.

    Starla–I love your relationship requirements and how you eloquently phrase them!

  26.  #26Millie on October 27, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    OK– so want to share some processing!

    I recently got a NEW JOB and immediately gave notice at my current job! I feel elated, on cloud nine, sooooo happy to be making this new transition! I finally feel like, all the issues I have been having at work were NOT me….they were out of my control and I am AMAZING at what I do! My confidence in myself came back over the past few weeks and I’m excited to say I feel this new job is perfect for me and exactly what I needed! That said, I also took a trip with a girlfriend to the South. My first time there!! It was beautiful and amazing and we had a great time. I love being able to give myself the gift of traveling and sharing new experiences with a close friend!

    I noticed though, that she was very open and willing to talk to strangers. More open than I was instinctually. She was curious about others and always had something to say, whereas I remained “in my head” experiencing things alone, a lot. Not that I’m not friendly, but she was definitely a lot more friendly. In it, I saw a lot of missed opportunities on my part and also how clear it is to me that I have a wall up. There is no doubt in my mind that I am motived socially by an urge to protect myself.

    While I was there I posted about feeling rejected, about wanting to hook-up with strange men and I think that all stemmed from an urge to protect myself as well as an urge for adventure and of course desire. Looking back, it wasn’t meant to be, for I was not acting in my own best interest. I wasn’t being myself.

    I don’t think I’m ready to let my guard down. M still feels like a gash on my heart, I still feel his presence lingering like a ghost, so familiar…it felt so right. I know this feeling is created by me, twisted among the outer shell I am protecting myself with…a soft blanket lining the inside. The wound is tied with guilt. I wish I could change certain things I said and did. And that feeling can only go away with time.

    I have been receiving a lot of attention online and am chatting with new guys!! I’m ready to do some casual circular dating and slowly ease this shell off. Slowly though….I’m a bit like a rolly polly, easily wincing at the slight hint of for boding pain.

    As much as I understand Mechanic’s decision to cut me off, I feel that while he did right by her…it wasn’t necessarily “right” by me. In that, it’s very evident we need to go our separate ways and no integrity can exist in our type of friendship. So, if he does contact me, which I think he will once this current relationship ends, I don’t think I will let him back into my life. I don’t feel there is any need to have him in my life…he’ll only do this again when he finds another girl to be with.

    Overall I feel a lot more confident than I have in a long time, however, I still have a lot to heal, to work through….and I’m ok with that.

  27.  #27Tee on October 27, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    @ Zara, sorry if I start rambling. I’m just tired of this pattern, I feel like I’m always trying. Trying to get him to revolve around me like I’ve revolved around him. He came home & said that I barely speak to him unless he speaks first, he feels like I watch his every move and all I care about is our son (he’s 2) and my cellphone.

    As per my impatience, I’m like that when it comes to anything that I want. When I see something I like, I have to have it now. My body feels electric, like it’s humming & buzzing until I finally get what I’m after. I felt this way until I got my fiancé.

    I know he loves us but I wonder way too often if it’s moreso out of obligation. We both agree that the flow was better during high school when he was chasing me.
    I seem to just exude depressed frumpiness. I’ve made this man my life & now I feel taken advantage and unappreciated for it.

    I don’t want to lead. I wanna be provided for, cherished, protected, loved, etc. There are days when it’ll sync up, he’s in the masculine, I’m in the feminine. He’ll do something nice. Then I feel like an idiot because he threw me a crumb so I over compensate in some way.

    I can never say Thank You and leave it at that. I say Thank you & then to ease the uncomfortableness I’ll offer to make him a sandwich or whatever.

    I don’t know how to focus on me, I feel guilty. I feel jittery there too. It’s like I’m afraid of all aspects of myself. I can’t even say who I am without him.

    It’s like I don’t feel loved/lovable as I am, something has to be offered. 🙁

    I don’t know how to unravel myself from this man and still be with him/love him. Sometimes I’m just so angry & lost. I just want to start over but I wonder if there’s too much damage, too much resentment.

    I know that this isn’t about him but it’s like I don’t know who I am without someone to love & care for. I know it’s unhealthy but ugh!

  28.  #28Azure Blu on October 27, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    I am soo impressed by your vulnerability and open heart.
    Thank you for sharing all of that with us here
    on Siren Island.
    To me, noticing all of these things, sharing them here, examining YOUR feelings about all of this
    are the baby steps that propel you
    forward on your journey of self love

    I don’t know about you, but for me, going thru and reading Rori’s and Dominiques archived posts
    continually support me and enlighten me to
    continue living MY happily ever after everyday!!!

  29.  #29Turquoise on October 27, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    Hi sirens!! Tonight I went to a psychic event with my sister…. Very cool, and so interesting to hear these two women talk about being so in touch with their spirits, Angels and trusting your guy instincts. It wasn’t the first one I’ve been to… I’ve hosted parties before and may have another one. 🙂
    Knight and I text every day and talk most days. We hadn’t talked yesterday or today yet, and I found myself missing his voice and that connected feeling. We’d texted earlier… But then I was busy at work and going to the event… So I texted him and said… I never thought I’d miss your old schedule…. But I loved our long talks while you worked. I hope you had a good day. Xoxo
    He called about a half hour later on his way home from a 15 hour work day and we had such a nice talk.i told him about the event, we talked about family history and favorite Halloween costumes/memories. I love that we can talk about everything and anything… And it makes me smile. 🙂 he told me he missed me… A couple times. I know it was leaning forward letting him know I missed our talks, but he responded so warmly and hole he may have called anyways, I don’t feel any less happy about it. 🙂

  30.  #30Turquoise on October 27, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    GUT INSTINCTS LOL and that should say while, not hole!

  31.  #31Azure Blu on October 27, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    Knight sounds like he is being enthusiastic and masculine in his interest in YOU!
    I have found when the man IS enthusiastic
    and making plans and keeping in contact…
    It is important to him that I do a little leaning forward by making a phone call or texting…
    and Like you said… How YOU felt afterwards
    is KEY…
    you said you felt just fine!!! :-))

  32.  #32Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 10:08 pm

    Starla 16,

    I appreciate what you’ve shared here, but unlike the siren way I honestly don’t feel safe sharing what I feel with every man. With this man the fit is not right. I just don’t want to.

  33.  #33Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    Starla 17,

    I love and appreciate how many sirens are able to be just like that, but I just have to be honest, that’s just not me. I’m very reserved and I *don’t* feel comfortable sharing myself in feeling messages with everyone. For me feeling messages are reserved for something really important or those I’m very close to. That’s just me.

  34.  #34Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    Azure Blu 19

    “BUT it is sooo refreshing to share thoughts and ideas with men that have MORE EMPATHY….
    They don’t have to match me exactly…
    but really
    to SHARE ideas…
    NOT try and change each other…”

    YES. I feel so much better with a man whose views are more open and compassionate… whom I can just share myself with. This feels so wonderful and happy-making to me.

  35.  #35Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 10:30 pm


    I think my original point was, I don’t want to bond and build with this man. And the reason is I just don’t want to. The reasons are too deep and nuanced to explain, it’s got more to do with the way I feel when I’m with him. That’s why I was hesitant to even share that conversation that we had the other night, because I knew some siren would come up with some way I could “share” what I felt with him, and get him to change or soften or whatever. It wasn’t about that. With a different man, that conversation wouldn’t have triggered me the same way. It’s simply that my heart is leading me in a different direction, and I don’t want to have to try and explain this to people… it’s exhausting beyond belief.

  36.  #36Starla on October 27, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    Yes I can see my comments have rubbed you the wrong way.

  37.  #37Starla on October 27, 2015 at 10:54 pm

    Sharing feelings is not about getting a man to change. It’s about not abandoning yourself, period. That is one thing I do need to clarify from your response.

  38.  #38Indigo on October 27, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    Hi Starla,

    No, it’s not that your comments have rubbed me the wrong way… well, maybe they have but I see the pure intention behind them. And I know they were meant in the best, most constructive way and I appreciate them. I also get that sharing my feelings is not about getting a man to change. I think what frustrates me is this idea that *every* situation is an opportunity to share yourself and your feelings and I just don’t feel that way. Maybe that is where Rori and I part ways. I don’t want to be opening up myself to everyone like that constantly. Because it leads to this idea that your feelings can be changed, or discussed or explained… or something. And sometimes they just can’t. They’re just felt.

  39.  #39Victoria on October 28, 2015 at 2:13 am

    When I post here, sometimes I get responses that feel condescending to me.
    Especially, when I write something short, and then there is a post three times longer analyzing every word I said which feels like twisting my words and changing the meaning of common words to mean something else.
    Truth be tolf, a part of me is delighted that someone has taken the time to think about what I said and write to me, but another part of me says, “I really know how to do that on my own and I really wasn’t inviting constructive criticism, thank you very much”.
    Soon after I first started posting here, I got a long personal email from Rori, which said “unless you are a trained coach, do not offer advice. refrain from sharing opinions. share feelings”.
    I think I have pretty much managed to observe the first part, I still tend to express opinions, and with feelings, oh well, we learn as long as we live, I have another 40 years or so, one day I will master it.
    Much love to you!

  40.  #40Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 2:33 am


    Truth be told, I feel very much the same way as you often.
    Thank you for the love, and yes we will get there with another 40 years or so! 🙂

  41.  #41Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 2:39 am

    It could also be a cultural thing. In South Africa, people are much, much more reserved with expressing their feelings. The notion of bearing all to someone who is a virtual stranger was shunned when I was growing up. There is a very strong culture of cool politeness and preserving appearances here. We don’t really discuss feelings that much. Certainly the whole culture of psychoanalysis and getting deep into your feelings doesn’t exist here. So that is part of who I am. I tend to only share when it’s really, really important and something has been growing in me for a while.

  42.  #42Victoria on October 28, 2015 at 2:52 am

    Culture certianly plays a role.
    In real life, I personally have the best exchanges with female friends, when I go to my friend and complain to her about something that a man has done, and she says, oh, you think that was bad, let me tell you what happened to me. These are often wonderful and heartfelt conversation, and neither of us goes home any wiser or smarter, but the conversations feels good, and nourishing for the soul.
    Now, the best part is, when you have a friend who dearly loves you, and is non-judgemental, and you can dump all your stupidity and mistakes and insecurities on her, and she will still tell you, oh but you did great, and I love you still the same. I am trying to be that friend to my friends.

  43.  #43Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 3:00 am


    Yes, yes and yes! I love those friends (and my mom is like that too… most of the time). I can tell them everything that’s happened and they will just listen and not lecture and just go “aah, sorry it turned out that way” and nod supportively or provide an alternative, more positive way of looking at it and still think I am just as great as before I started moaning.

    Actually my favourite are the ones who will just drink wine with me and laugh with me about all the things that were inevitably funny about the situation.

  44.  #44Emerson on October 28, 2015 at 3:40 am

    Why are you here with him?
    I hope my answer would be a simple one.
    I still believe in it.
    I can’t give up.
    How do I keep myself from Feeling so much fear now that I’m in my 40s?
    I feel afraid of being alone….
    In the past I was ambivalent about having children, now I wish I had been more decisive and not wasted time with relationships that didn’t make that possible…

    I don’t want it to be too late, I’m 43, not a man in sight relationship wise, don’t want to have a baby alone ….I want the family unit….
    I feel sad not having it…
    I am feeling so much fear desperation and sadness Around this

  45.  #45Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 3:50 am

    I’m a bit confused by this conversation with Indigo and Starla…
    I have received Life Changing Siren insight and thoughtful comments from Indigo and Victoria
    regarding my situations and many Sirens situations
    here on this blog…

    My thinking is I hope you continue sharing
    with all of us because I feel that is what
    this blog is sooo good at
    And I have learned SOOO much from both of you
    giving step by step ways you solve your challenges

    I too enjoy my girl friends, we meet every week and just vent!! Sometimes we offer each other advise
    but MOST of the time it’s just fun!! Telling jokes, laughing… supporting each other in the sad times…
    sharing our frustrations and wine and food!!

    When I share some of the Rori tools with them
    most of the time they think it’s pretty weird that I’m even thinking about this stuff!! (In their sweet friendly way)

    Sooo thank you Indigo and Victoria and Starla and All others
    for being here on Siren Island
    and always sharing YOUR
    authentic, vulnerable hearts!!
    Your exquisite care has saved me from some of the DARKEST days of my life!!!

  46.  #46Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 3:58 am

    Ahhh… your sweet vulnerable heart
    Sooo brave of you to share these deep
    scary feelings with all of us….

    From what I have learned
    with the Rori tools is that
    YOUR feelings of fear, desperation and sadness
    Maybe you could try to
    embrace them
    each one of them
    Each one of those feelings are PART of YOU
    they hold lots of energy and strength
    This is what I have found…

    They are part of me and when
    I love these feelings too
    My heart swells
    and expands
    and I am MORE open to others LOVE
    for ME!!!

  47.  #47Emerson on October 28, 2015 at 4:09 am

    Thank you azure blue!
    You are right and I will try to love those parts of myself, your suggestion made me realize that I’ve actually been HATING those parts of myself!
    I feel fortunate to have this blog, I also remember a post from the other day talking about our focus on finding a partner and the mistake of focusing on “I hope this one is not a cheater/jerk/etc” and just that focus being enough to actually attract a jerk etc….
    I’ve been challenging myself to get away from this pattern of thinking and it’s very difficult.
    I have a close friend who is very dear to me but she is very jaded and often makes comments like “all men Re the same, all men are selfish, all men are cheaters” etc….
    She dates a lot of men though and has had about 6 boyfriends in the three years I’ve known her.
    They don’t last.
    I find myself wanting to distance from her energy sometimes. She’s a dear friend tho so i feel bad about that.
    I’m just going through a lot of profound emotional and spiritual crossroads and I don’t want to make the wrong move…

  48.  #48Emerson on October 28, 2015 at 4:12 am

    Maybe I need some radical alone time…a weekend solo vacation….
    Does anyone have any books they suggest I wold read on a solo trip?
    For personal growth and embracing solitude?
    Maybe I’ll try that angle…

  49.  #49Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 5:13 am

    You are soo welcome…
    I too need to remember
    WE can NEVER do the WRONG thing or
    make a WRONG move…
    we simply observe some things we might not want to try again
    Adjust lovingly
    Repeat those things we find work
    so well for US
    and Live OUR Life
    as if someone left the gate open!!!

  50.  #50Starla on October 28, 2015 at 6:26 am

    Indigo, thank you for explaining. I misunderstood.

    Rori does have that guideline about advice. I ignore it. Because sometimes I get like I’m the queen of France and rules are just suggestions. Thank you for being patient with me.

    Everyone, how is this? If you would like my specific opinion on your situation, ask me and I will reply with it. and I won’t take your simply relating to me with your own troubles as a request for my opinion.

    I am very controlling and opinion giving like this with my man, too. Ever since I’ve started working on it, our relationship has gotten a lot better.

  51.  #51Starla on October 28, 2015 at 6:32 am

    Sometimes I need to blow off some steam with this opinion heavy controlling energy because I suppress it with my man, and direct it toward women cuz I figure that’s sorry of allowed, or not as bad as directing it at my man. I think I need to work a little harder on directing my own life as an outlet for this energy. If I am honest, my own life is one of the least frequent recipients of this energy and many things are preventably out of control.

  52.  #52Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 6:40 am

    Starla #50,
    This is only MY perspective…
    I welcome any advise (ooops I know we’re not supposed to)
    and insight from ALL Sirens. :-))

    Of course sometimes I Don’t appreciate what is said
    right away…
    but, you know what, usually it is SPOT ON!!

    I am HERE to find a better way for MY LIFE
    Because the OLD WAY was/is NOT working…
    I am in need of EVERYTHING that is shared here.

    Darling, wonderful Sirens…
    Sometimes I forget to ask for guidance.
    Please feel free to suggest, Anytime!
    Thank you in advance! :-))

  53.  #53Victoria on October 28, 2015 at 6:59 am

    I am very impressed with how honest and vulnerable you are being with what you said.
    Absolutely wow.
    For me too, sometimes, it is very very difficult to withold giving advice.
    This blog is an excellent place to train my self-restraining muscles.
    By the way, I am dating someone who is wonderful in many ways, but likes to give me advice way too much. He tries to improve everything I do! I sometimes want to kill him because of his well-meaning advice-giving personality. He is otherwise an extremely sweet and caring person, I suspect that advice giving tends to go together with being loving and caring…

  54.  #54Victoria on October 28, 2015 at 7:10 am

    To make it worse, I work in an advice-giving industry. Today, I had a situation in which a client repeatededly ignored my advice and now they are exactly in the situation I warned them about. However, it is absolutely unprofessional to tell them “well, I warned you about this”. I just listened sympathetically, did not mention that I had given warnings, and right on started working on trying to remedy the situation. If only I could be equally wise in my personal life!

  55.  #55Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 7:36 am

    as a follow up on me trying to find my heart when
    interacting with others…
    Spirit has been TRYING sooo hard!!
    I believe, because I have leaned Way Back…
    honestly and sincerely taking CARE of ME!!

    I Have been sharing my TRUE feelings with him
    and NOT available EVERY time he
    wants to see me (I am Truely VERY busy with MY life)
    AND I told him I believe we ARE TOO Different
    for what I want for MY life.
    HE is inspired to respond to my requests
    NOT feeling pressured from me…
    He invited me to HIS HOUSE on SUN. to spend the night… VERY last min. It was 8:00 pm when he asked
    (for me now… this last minute stuff is feeling VERY childish…)
    it’s over a year and I still haven’t been to his house
    Sooo he is FINALLY asking me!!
    Before, I would have jumped at the chance to spend alovely night cuddling, s*x, etc. at HIS house
    and Screw whatever else I have going on in my life.
    I had to work most of the night and the next day was Mon… a work day!!!
    I told him it felt good to be invited to his house, but i had to work… If we had planned this I could have made it happen…
    Quietly,,, no anger… it was just the facts…

    So last night he called… shared his day… excited about his new job…
    and did I wan to play Trivia at the bar tomorrow night? (that’s tonight)
    A PLAN!!!
    At first I was annoyed… Ive noticed this is My favorite feeling when dealing with men!!! :-0
    “Why didn’t he ask to see my last night while he was out?”
    Why isn’t he asking to see me earlier than 9:00 pm tonight…
    Why does he have time to hang out with his buddies and NOT ME!!
    WOW!!! I couldn’t believe my reactions…

    I am soo flabergasted by my reaction!!
    I HAVE ALWAYS been like this!!!
    My children felt it when I was raising them
    My parents must have felt it!!
    Both husbands an ALL my boyfriends must have felt it!!!

    I decided, because he had asked me in advance
    he had just told me how much he misses me
    He wanted to see ME sooo badly on Sun
    Sweet words of inticements and endearments
    from him…
    I want to open my heart and receive…
    Feel the love he is showing me…

    This morning I text him…
    I can feel your excitement about your new job
    I said I feel happy thinking about seeing you (tonight)
    I feel warm and cared for when you plan.
    He said:
    Great, Me too!

  56.  #56Starla on October 28, 2015 at 7:40 am

    Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your kindness and patience.

  57.  #57Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 7:43 am

    PS… Sometimes he just goes on and on!!!

  58.  #58Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 7:49 am

    interesting about your new man…
    Spirit too was/is big on giving advice
    and eagerly sharing better ways of living,
    doing things, etc.

    ME TOO!!!
    What I have shared with him quite a few times
    over our year together is what a “know-it-all”
    I AM…
    and laughing about it and sharing some
    of the stories when I get sooo carried away!!

    interesting… he started saying he too is a know it all!!
    and has actually gotten MUCH less so
    over the past 6 months!!
    I’ve gotten MUCH better (meaning doing it less :-))

    I’ve found it soo profound – with everyone –
    the MORE vulnerable I can be…
    it has been bringing everyone much closer!
    Which is filling MY life and HEART with sooo much LOVE!! Thank you, more please!!!

  59.  #59Starla on October 28, 2015 at 7:57 am

    This morning I told my boyfriend that making jokes about a particular female celebrity is not nice and just plain mean, and to make fun of something legitimately offensive if he must, like how she hypnotizes and distracts the masses with her inane celebrity BS.

    I seriously did that. I wish I could stop. I didn’t even take my own advice and use feeling messages. I just acted like his mother or grade school teacher. While cooking him breakfast. Gross.

    Okay, note to self – I sometimes think that being a champion for what I believe is right and good is excuse enough to be controlling toward my man. It’s not. And if hearing him say unkind things makes me feel sad, I need to just say “oh I feel sad hearing that.”

    The truth is, I probably don’t want to be vulnerable, so I jump to “ah ah ah that’s not right” and shake my proverbial no no finger.

  60.  #60Tee on October 28, 2015 at 8:04 am

    (Azure Blue)
    I keep telling myself that I’ll spend more time on this blog & reading RR but I get stuck in my head & my ways.

    I caught myself today. When I speak to my fiance, I probably do alot of man-bashing/blaming.
    Earlier, he was playing cars and rough-housing with our son before daycare.

    I get to daycare & our son Isiah is still riled up that he starts taking toys and hitting other kids. One kid hit him back. Isiah git upset & started to cry. I called Isiah over, rubbed his back and he was over the incident in like 3 seconds. He went back to play with the kids.

    So I go over in my head what I planned on saying to my fiancé about this. How he can’t be getting the boy all riled up, etc etc. It would have definitely caused some strife.

    Instead, I told him that Isiah had been riled up when he got there and was hitting the other kids.
    Just something simple that I noticed.

    My fiancé is withdrawing. We both are. I think we’re both tired of being seen as wrong.

  61.  #61Zara on October 28, 2015 at 8:26 am

    Tee 24 , 27 , 60

    Wow! Your words feel safe. It feels honest and clear. I feel integrity.
    You got this.
    You asked for advice and again it is to be found in your own words.

    Do you know the flip tool?


  62.  #62Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Thank you for sharing a morning in YOUR life…
    ahhh to go back to those scary, wonderful challenging days when my children were so smalll…
    Knowing the Rori Way now…I would have done MANY things differently

    This is something that came to me…
    only because of what I just noticed about ME
    with Spirit…

    How wonderful that your fiance IS PLAYING WITH YOUR SON…
    Playing cars & rough housing – EVERY BOYS favorite
    things to do with a MAN!!!
    I’m wondering if Maybe your son was riled because he didn’t want to quit playing with your fiance…
    I am remembering how difficult for kids to change directions
    especially when doing something fun…

    Going back to something Starla mentioned…
    Maybe you could share with your fianace
    how your heart expands seeing him taking time,
    to share his love, attention and masculine play with your son…
    Just a thought?

  63.  #63Mary on October 28, 2015 at 8:49 am

    This is the first time for me to post here, although I have been following Rori for over a year now, reading and practicing the tools as best I can.
    I just want to say hi, and share I am going through a highly distressing time, trying to lean back and feeling so terrified and anxious.

  64.  #64Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Starla #59
    Yep!! I’ll do this too… shaking that proverbial finger at any man…
    “Okay, note to self –
    I sometimes think that being a champion for what I believe is right and good
    is excuse enough to be controlling
    toward my man.
    It’s not.”

  65.  #65Tee on October 28, 2015 at 8:54 am

    @ Zara, no I don’t know the Flip Tool. I’ll look into it, thank you 🙂

    @ Azure Blue, thank you for your thought and for allowing me to see this from another angle.
    My family is predominantly women so this whole Boy thing is new to all of us lol

    My guys love to rough-house! It makes me nervous, all that aggression lol. Isiah enjoys daycare so he wasn’t upset at having to leave. He’s like his Dad, they are very social people. Me lol not so much. It was just a shock to see Isiah act like that so I just attributed it to the early morning play he had with his Dad. I’m not use to seeing boys in action, this is probably a daily thing to them.

    On occasion I will thank my fiancé for playing with or doing something for our son. He just waves it off like Why are you thanking me, I’m supposed to, that’s my son. Does this mean he’s hearing me? I’d love for him to do more yet I’m afraid of how he’ll receive it.

    Things feel fragile these days.

  66.  #69Tee on October 28, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Thanks Zara 🙂

  67.  #70Femininewoman on October 28, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Millie I appreciate you for sharing an I felt intrigued reading your update. I wonder if Mechanic is an unavailable man. You seem rather sure that he will not commit to this new girl and will eventually need a new one or come back to you. Is that his pattern of behavior? I feel so happy that you are resolute about not letting him back in your life. I feel confident thought that if he does come back he will have upgraded himself and try to convince you that he has changed.

  68.  #71Lavender on October 28, 2015 at 11:32 am

    Its been a while since I’ve been on here, and this is totally unrelated to this post, but I have a question for you all.
    I keep experiencing men asking me why I didn’t text or call or set up a date. They think that because they responded with “ok” or something that its my turn to initiate. I feel like men these days expect women to take inititive and plan as much as the man. Its kinda frustruating to be honest. Any comments?

  69.  #72Tee on October 28, 2015 at 11:39 am

    I’m sorry for being all over the place but I just had a horrible revelation about myself. I’m keeping myself small so that (in my head) my fiance will stay.

    I was just talking with a friend, telling her how unsuccessful I’ve been so far in my jobsearch. She gave me some hints & I checked a job website that I haven’t been to in ages.

    Almost immediately a position catches my eye. I could probably pull it off. The more I started thinking about it, the more I came up with excuses. I sifted through them to find that the truth, well MY truth is that I’m afraid of outgrowing (in any way) my fiancé. I’m afraid of not needing him. Which is funny because he claims to already feel like I don’t need him & on very rare occasions when I’ve been really pissed, I’ve almost said those exact words to him.

    I’m tired of feeling/being weak but I’m afraid of my power. Also interesting is that my fiancé prefers a more motivated, on-the-ball, has her own life woman. I don’t think he knows what to make of this version of me. The constantly insecure, doesn’t go anywhere, doesn’t do anything person.

    It’s almost as if I’d rather keep him in my weakness rather than lose him in my strength.

    I feel confused. I feel like if I could just figure out who he needs me to be, then I can be that & we’ll be ok.

    But I already know, and it involves having my own life. Bringing something new & interesting to the table.
    I can’t seem to pull away from him in order to do that.

    It’s like his very presence is air to me and when I’m away, I can’t breathe. Sadly, he’s the one suffocating. He hasn’t said so but his actions do.

    He seems to need so much space. I kinda get why. I’m ALWAYS here. I don’t go out, I barely change my clothes. He spends alot of time downstairs playing Candy Crush.

    He claims it’s because the apartment is small. I think it’s me. Trying to create space from me.

    I feel like in order to create room for him to move in my direction, I’d have go so far left that I’d end up in another state lol

    I’m not interested in other men, I just want to get it right with This particular man. And I think he’s pissed off (secretly /inwardly) at my lack of motivation so he punishes me by not being as involved in the relationship as he could be.

    Almost as if his motivation is fed by mine, so since I don’t have much…neither does he.

    It could be total bs but everyone is different. Some folks are self motivating, others need a partner, a coach or a cheerleader to keep them going.

    Why can’t we get it together???

  70.  #73Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 12:46 pm


    I feel very impressed by your self-awareness, your vulnerability and your humility. These qualities are relatively rare and I think you shined so bright when you shared yourself with us like that.

    I too get into advice-giving mode here on the blog sometimes… and frequently I don’t feel good being in that mode. More and more these days, I don’t want to get into other people’s business. And when they tell me who they are, I feel good to just simply believe them. One of my resolutions for this part of my life is to take people at face value – until they give me a reason not to. We often think we’re helping people by going deep into their stuff, but this is not the case. I have to remind myself that other people are autonomous adults who have a right to their own journey and I am not their therapist or their mama.

    Anyway Starla, I see you and I appreciate you 🙂 I can see great growth in you in the time I’ve “known” you here on this blog, for what it’s worth.

  71.  #74Starla on October 28, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    Thank you for your kind words, Indigo 🙂

    I see and appreciate you also!

  72.  #75April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 1:05 pm


    I feel a little bit shakey in my arms. And a slight shortage of breath.

    I am afraid to take sides, and I don’t want to be seen as taking sides.

    I read Starla’s suggestions of feeling messages to Indigo, and something lifted in my heart and my thought was “Oh, please, teach me how to talk this way.”
    Starla has put words to the awkward squirminess I often feel when the moment doesn’t fit and I’m disappointed or frustrated with another person’s words or actions.

    I find it immensely freeing to be able to articulate authentically in tat moment. Otherwise I am doomed to repeat the same cycle of squirming and wanting to get away from the person.

    I choose to believe that deeper connection, through authenticity, is possible with ANY human being on this planet. And I believe that being my most authentic self in ALL situations is what will heal our planet.

    I am immensely grateful to you, Starla.

  73.  #76April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 1:10 pm


    Can you please offer some suggestions as to things I might be able to say in my situation.

    I feel sick to the bottom of my heart with the way that my next-door neighbours treat their dog. He (the dog) is a beautiful, big, good-natured thing.

    He is left outside, at the back of the house, in all weathers. I have said things to the people before and they have made token but short-lived improvements, but mainly they just don’t attend to his needs for exercise and companionship.

    I am a little frightened of these people. It scares me that they have licence to own a dog and utterly neglect his needs.

    What does this mean?
    And what could I say?

    Any help is most appreciated.

  74.  #77Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 1:15 pm

    April Rose,

    In my mind, there are no “sides” because I see and appreciate Starla’s perspective very much. It just doesn’t quite fit with who I am. Surely the world, and this blog, is big enough for different ways of doing things?

    I have great admiration for women who can speak that way. It just doesn’t fit with my more reserved nature.

    I feel you about your neighbours dog. This kind of thing completely breaks my heart too.

  75.  #78Starla on October 28, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    April rose, I’m not sure there’s much to say. I would be calling animal welfare on them if they are mistreating the dog and didn’t improve after I spoke to them. Sorry I don’t have much else to suggest!

  76.  #79Starla on October 28, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    Actuslly your question does fall in line nicely with the theme that’s come up around advice giving and control. For myself, though, when i feel a strong urge to correct or help other people’s shortcomings, I’m usually avoiding looking at myself. It is a form of escapism. I would ask myself what my real motives are. Yes, the care of an animal makes it righteous, but it doesn’t mean we don’t have other motivations driving it at a more basic level.

  77.  #80Millie on October 28, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    Femininewoman— thank you!!! I feel so warm and happy that someone read my update! I’m excited to be starting a new adventure!! And yes, I do think mechanic has a pattern… But time will tell!

  78.  #81April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 3:47 pm


    Hmm. There is an element of righteousness, in that I think I know what is best for situations and people/animals.

    Is it a case of not trusting life?

    I am hesitant to interfere further in the case of the dog’s welfare.

    It could be that it is not in the order of things, to put all matters right.

    This Earth holds all manner of challenges for all beings. Can I trust Life?

  79.  #82April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    I think where I am projecting (onto the dog) is when I perceive loneliness, pain, and sorrow.

    This may not be the case at all for him. Those feelings belong to me and I need to own them and feel into them on my own behalf, which is perhaps more truthful.

  80.  #83April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 4:15 pm


    I know I wasn’t taking sides. It is a fear of mine to look as if I am.

    I hear you when you say you don’t always want to do feeling messages, depending on who you’re with.

    My journey looks different to yours in that sense. I’m really longing to develop feeling message skills purely for myself. Not to influence the other person. I would really like to not make it conditional on who is in front of me and what I want or don’t want from them.

    Feeling messages for me are purely an inside job. And it’s harder to do that job, or easier, depending on my judgement of the person who is in front of me. And I’d like to get past that, so that it is only ever done for myself. Kinda like thinking out loud. Feeling out loud! Which I admit scares the living crap out of me.

  81.  #84April Rose on October 28, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    Even though it can feel super-scary, or frustrating when looking for the words or how to phrase it, a feeling message articulated can have an unexpected effect.

    I have found myself surprised by the suddenly clarity I have understood for myself. And that makes me feel safe in my own skin!

  82.  #85BeLoved on October 28, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    Starla, consider this blanket permission and an invitation even to say whatever you like to me about anything I post. The few times you have commented, I have truly appreciated what you’ve had to say. Even reading your comments to others has literally changed my life. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, I learned to not pretend to understand things I don’t understand (like being treated like crap, being stood up, even just lately the thing with my roomie who just moved out) and to not pretend like I’m okay with things I’m not really okay with, directly from comments you’ve made on this blog.


  83.  #86Femininewoman on October 28, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    April Rose RE 74 my perspective is a bit different. You see I grew up in a warm climate so dogs weren’t “in the house” per se. So my opinion is dogs should live outside, they don’t belong in the house. I have been in houses where dogs live and to me the house smell of dog. I remember how long after my neighbor moved the house still smelled of dog.

    I would assume these people you speak about are ignoring the dogs need. As a matter of fact your comments hit my judgemental mind as “controlling”. If he was mistreated wouldn’t he be scraggly and maybe bad tempered? On the contrary you say he is beautiful and good natured.

  84.  #87Zara on October 28, 2015 at 5:26 pm


    ******He just waves it off like Why are you thanking me, I’m supposed to, that’s my son.*****

    What do you feel when you see/hear your husband and son playing together?

    One of the main tools in Rori’s work that we help each other understand and practice on this blog is put words on feelings and share them.


  85.  #88Zara on October 28, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    Copy-pasted from Rori Raye
    It Will Bring Him Closer If You Do It This Way…

    It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

    It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.

    How to do it?
    You’ll find a Tool specifically for the feelings of anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts about a man in my Commitment Blueprint program, and in my new Modern Siren program, there’s a full set of Tools for sadness, and a way to handle that “wave” of feeling that sometimes hits us just when we wish it wouldn’t.

    For now, try this:

    When you’re feeling “negative,” and you’re afraid your “vibe” will push a man away – notice what you do – notice if you start TALKING (what so many of us women do when we’re uncomfortable).

    => Notice if you start all of a sudden getting “cheerful.”

    => Notice if you suddenly start trying to make things “okay” in your mind and smile.

    => Notice if you move TOWARD him – touch him, talk to him – in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.

    => And then stop yourself. DON’T DO what you INSTINCTIVELY want to do to feel better.

    There’s a MUCH better way to feel better.

    SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

    Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

    => So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

    => As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.

    Now, let’s say you – like I was – are stuck in a car, or in a restaurant, or in a room with your man, and you can feel your resistance tightening in your shoulders and in your heart, and you feel like talking to relieve the pressure.

    => Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.

    => Step 2 – You do NOTHING

    => Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).

    => Step 4 – Now you use Feeling Messages to communicate with your man, and we’ll talk about that next.

  86.  #89Zara on October 28, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    Copy-pasted from Rori Raye
    Do You Have To Use The “Feel” Word?

    I’ve been asked wonderful questions by women in my teleclass support group this session – here’s one I wanted to answer:

    “Rori, Can’t you make feeling statements without saying “I feel…”? I feel like saying it so much is redundant and awkward. Aren’t there other ways to make feelings statements without using those words?”

    The answer is – No.

    A “Feeling Statement” is exactly what it is – a “Feeling Statement” – capitalized because it’s a “Rori Raye Tool.”

    The word “feel” here IS the tool. (The full explanation and guide for exactly how to do a Feeling Statement is in my ebook…) For now – the tool is the word “Feel.” All by itself, it’s the tool.

    Speaking the words “I feel” effects your inner workings, your mind, your body, your heart. And it effects a man – his inner workings, his mind, his body, his heart. It’s just a word that – luckily for us – has this profound effect out there in the world.

    After a lifetime of being told and believing that emotions are not good to show, and that we must tamp them down and stuff them down and avoid them at all costs and strive for being “reasonable” and “efficient” and “competent” and “accomplished,” it turns out that emotions are what make us human.

    They’re your “ace-in-the-hole.” Emotions are the “stuff” of us that make you more woman and less man – without diminishing your abilities, the sharpness of your thought, or your ability to succeed – even “kick ass” if you want – out there in the world.

    Emotions fuel you, they heal you, and your emotions move OTHERS.

    Meaning – the quality of your emotion, and the way in which you express your emotions is directly how you get more love in your life.

    The trick for us is to get so “aware” of our emotions – the patterns of them, what triggers them, how they morph and change and shift, and how it feels to not so much “manage” them as “feel” them.

    And as that awareness grows – so does your faith in yourself. In other words – your self-esteem and self-respect can grow powerfully as you become aware of, accept, love and express your emotions on deeper and deeper levels.

    When you speak the word “feel” and use it as a channel to express what you feel – you’re working on “all burners.”


    => 1. Becoming aware of what you feel

    => 2. Putting words to what you feel

    => 3. Expressing what you feel in a way that involves no one but you – and so is totally, 100% safety-making, self-trusting, world and man-trusting, self, world and man honoring…and profoundly moving in the classical, artistic sense.

    The faster you practice it in this structured way, the faster you learn how to do it brilliantly, and the faster you’re able to connect heart-to-heart with any man you choose.

  87.  #90Zara on October 28, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    Cooy-pasted from Rori Raye
    How feeling messages work

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.

    Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.

  88.  #91Lilybelly on October 28, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    I am trying to get back to feeling messages and using them feels hard and have never been my strong suit. I wonder if its because i don’t sink into how I feel fully and then start to feel uncomfortable…then, I stop feeling and rush to speak, act.. anything that will relieve the pressure.


    And for me, advice is always welcome.

  89.  #92Tee on October 28, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Wow, thanks again Zara!
    What do I feel when my husband & son are playing together?

    I feel happy
    I feel accomplished
    I feel content
    I feel positive
    I feel lucky
    I feel concerned sometimes
    I feel jealous sometimes
    I feel hopeful
    I feel scared. Scared as in, I love them both so much, I don’t know what I’d do if anything bad happened to them.

  90.  #93Lovergirl on October 28, 2015 at 7:06 pm

    Millie 25- Thank you and as far as calling me a champ, I think he was just being playful and teasing me about being to “handle” him for 8 hrs. He has called me “adorable” before and that almost feels more weird, haha. He’s like “you are just adorable!!” 😛

    Anyway, he texted me (finally!) a little bit ago. 🙂 He said he’s in Arkansas. I didn’t know he was leaving that soon, he’d said something about going somewhere on Friday (New York? I can’t remember, he’s all over the place). So I am flattered that he did want to see me the short time he was here. I’m sure he had lots to do.

    I told him I’d clicked on his OKCupid profile when I saw his email and was looking at some of the answers to the questions vs mine and cracking up. He said “I bet!” It was pretty funny though. We obviously share opinions on some things but are like night and day on others.

    If nothing else, he seems like a brutally honest type of guy. So the chances that he is hiding a wife somewhere seem more slim. I know traveling men get a bad reputation.

    He kept the conversation going for a bit, so I could tell he was enjoying talking to me. I told him I was caught up in the excitement over here about the world series (he doesn’t like baseball, he says its boring, haha). Anyway, now that I’ve heard from him I feel much better!

  91.  #94Turquoise on October 28, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    Tee… I want to give you some suggestions, but please just take them as my ideas and what I would do if it were me.
    First of all… Please stop beating yourself up. Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, and remember that everyday is a new day. I know it’s hard to think about ourselves when all we want to think about is them… But try and shift some focus to yourself. One of the best tools I know to get someone’s attention…. Mix things up. Do something different. I always stRt by looking in the mirror. Do I like what I see or am I neglecting myself? A new hairstyle can instantly make me feel so much better. A new outfit, taking time to paint my nails… Even wearing a favorite outfit I haven’t worn in a long time, or putting on heels… Different jewelry… Just change a few things each day.
    Start exercising at least 15 min a day. Ask him if he would like to go for a walk. Try a new recipe… Get out the good dishes… Change the radio station… Just get out of your head and all the worry, and make some changes.
    Tell yourself some daily affirmations. Look in the mirror and say, I am beautiful. I can be anything I want to be. I deserve to have the relationship I want. Repeat until you believe it.
    And remember…. Inspire your man and he will feel differently about your relationship.
    After I got divorced I talked to a therapist and shared some complaints my ex had about me. The house was never clean enough, he wanted me to lose weight, it felt like whatever I did, wasn’t enough. I didn’t get the response I expected… I thought she would say oh poor turquoise, that wasn’t fair. Instead she basically said I could be better. And you know what, she was right. There is always room for improvement. WHICH, could have then inspired what I wanted from my ex… To help more, to spend more time with me, to have a happier relationship.

    It pretty much boils down to if we want things to be different, we have to make that happen. No one else will do that for us.

  92.  #95Lovergirl on October 28, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Ohh…and I am still feeling great about my job! The boss is talking about making me his assistant (would probably be at the beginning of the year or something) and I’m killing it as the top salesperson still. Got a huge bonus last month and working on a good size one this time. Last night, I was working in a big arena during a ball game and one of the managers of the whole place walked by and pointed at me. He shouted “THAT girl, she’s got it! You can see it all the way across the room!!” Haha I was just standing there, talking to my co-worker and another guy but I must have been radiating positive energy.

  93.  #96Turquoise on October 28, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    April Rose…. I am with you on the animal care. My dog is currently sleeping at the end if my bed. I’d feel terrible if she was tied up outside in the cold, alone. Why have pets if that’s the life they get? Maybe you could ask them if you could take him/her for walks with you. It could be companionship for you both, and maybe would inspire them to spend more time with her. Unless they are truly neglecting her though, not sure what all could be done. I disagree that there must be some other issue/reason as to why that’s upsetting to you. Neglecting anyone… But especially children, the elderly, and animals… Who can’t speak for themselves…. makes me very upset. I expect people to treat all life with respect and care.

  94.  #97Turquoise on October 28, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    About my list of qualities that I find attractive in men… The rare ones…. I’m still feeling good about that. Because the thing is, I’ve dated all sorts of men from all levels/classes of life, and j have found much of the same attitude and treatment from all of them. So while I agree that someone who wants a relationship is at the top of the list, it takes time to discover that, and more time to see if it’s right for both. So meeting a man who sparks my interest and can hold it… Long enough to get to know them, is a good thing.
    I’m going with the belief that I can have it all. I can have a smart, talented man who loves me and build a solid relationship. I can picture him… Not his looks exactly… But how I feel with him. I want that and I believe e it will happen for me! 😉

  95.  #98Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 10:05 pm


    Congratulations on shining at work! YAY you!!!

    Turquoise 92,

    I love this!

  96.  #99Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    After reading all of Zara’s wonderful posts

    I realize,
    and Profoundly in
    LOVE WITH ****ME****

  97.  #100Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    Just about the feeling messages…

    I sink into my feelings. All day long. I am acutely aware at all times of what I’m feeling. I just don’t often choose to share them. Often the feelings have colours and depths that I cannot even find the words for, sometimes the sensation is to beautiful to try and crystallise it into words. The other thing is that as much as possible, I prefer to keep my own counsel about my feelings.

  98.  #101Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    Turq #95
    I LOVE this:
    “So while I agree that someone who wants a relationship is at the top of the list, it takes time to discover that, and more time to see if it’s right for both. “

  99.  #102Azure Blu on October 28, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    Soo exciting to read about
    You radiating positive, sunshiny, magical
    from across the room!!
    You are a Goddess!!

  100.  #103Indigo on October 28, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    Turquoise 95,

    I also love this:
    “About my list of qualities that I find attractive in men… The rare ones…. I’m still feeling good about that. Because the thing is, I’ve dated all sorts of men from all levels/classes of life, and j have found much of the same attitude and treatment from all of them. So while I agree that someone who wants a relationship is at the top of the list, it takes time to discover that, and more time to see if it’s right for both. So meeting a man who sparks my interest and can hold it… Long enough to get to know them, is a good thing.”

    I find that, all too often, a man is interested in me, I date him for a few weeks or maybe a month or two, but the interest is not strong enough on my side to want to continue bonding or building with him, or I start to see things which I know will make him incompatible with me. All too often, my ego gets involved, or fear of some sort. It is much more rare for me to meet a man where I want to see how it unfolds over the long term. In my whole dating life I have met maybe 3 men like that. Bush Boy is one of them though, so for me that’s a good sign.

  101.  #104Indigo on October 29, 2015 at 12:20 am

    Azure Blu 55,

    I so relate to everything you’ve written here. Cherry Norris says unless a man is your young son, he will never do things your way. Never ever.

    Yesterday Bush Boy asked me to just let him have a few weeks to get settled in his new town (not asking my permission but just saying he needed a few weeks) and then I could come visit. In the past I would have wanted to talk through this, try to cajole or convince him of… I’m not sure what. I’d have tried to change that he wanted to do it this way. Now, I can only smile at myself.

    I realise the Universe is giving me exactly what I asked for not long ago. It wouldn’t be the sort of relationship many women on here would want perhaps… but I wanted someone who was like D, a man who was independent and passionate and aroused the same strong feelings in me, but without his bad qualities and temper. Someone who would give me a lot of time on my own. Bush Boy really is the answer to that request. I smile when I think of it because I have just realised.

  102.  #105Femininewoman on October 29, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Lily how about consciously constantly asking yourself “what am I feeling”? Also touching things to ground yourself while saying it?

  103.  #106Lilybelly on October 29, 2015 at 4:03 am

    Thank you, FW. I will work on that today. I appreciate the suggestion very much.


  104.  #107Azure Blu on October 29, 2015 at 5:07 am

    Tee #64
    ME TOO!!! My family is mainly all women
    Except for my smart, masculine, energetic son!!!
    I feel so lucky to have had a son to raise…
    It has been a joy…

    I would love watching my son rough house with his friends while he was growing up!!
    His male energy was something i didn’t understand
    back then…
    Actually, just since Rori, have I started to appreciate
    all of him
    and not get annoyed by
    his loud laughter…
    his since of humor
    his energy when he is angry (not violent)
    his interests in guns, video games, cars, motorcycles.
    Me, accepting and appreciating and receiving
    his maleness has profoundly changed our
    Thank you Rori!!!

  105.  #108Azure Blu on October 29, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Ohhhh… the magic of feeling messages…
    Me expressing to Spirit
    how *I* feel when he plans our dates in advance
    “Spirit, I feel cared for when you plan our dates”
    Melted both of our hearts….

    I wasn’t going to say anything to him about how I like it when he plans…
    My mind was thinking… “Geee…. finally he plans a date…
    but he won’t do it again for a LONG time!!!”
    “He should be planning dates!!! WHy should I thank him!!!”

    And then Starla wrote those profound
    feeling messages for Indigo
    They melted my heart
    somehow the timing was perfect
    and the moons were allinged
    and the galaxys meshed…
    and i’ve been practicing
    with spirit
    how things make ME feel…

    I went on the date lastnight that he had planned with me…
    we played Trivia at a local bar, and his buddy
    and we had a grand time!! I worked at noticing my feelings and trying to Stay OUT of My head…
    at the end of the date
    He said: “Let’s see… I’d love to see you on Friday…
    We should plan a road trip… How about, the little town of Chelsea… —-restaurant (it’s a fabulous little restaurant)!?”
    Sirens… my mind is reeling!!
    Who is this man and where is Spirit?

    But I was trying to break off our dating
    His religious fervor is NOT what I want in my life!

    I’m just soooo mezmerised by this
    profound change in him….
    I’ve been wanting to have this for a year!

    Maybe it’s the Profound change in ME also!!
    It’s the “being inspired” that Rori and Dominque
    talk about…

  106.  #109Tee on October 29, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Ugh! I see that my previous message didn’t go through (sad face) lol

    (AZURE BLUE) This masculine world is different lol its like living with cavemen!
    Since I was raised in a different type of world, I try to stay out of the way…so to speak…when my fiancé and son are playing or when my fiancé disciplines him. What my seem/feel harsh to me may actually be what’s required for our son.
    As per my fiancé, again coming from a just women environment, maybe what’s I’m reading into as possibly distant, might actually be just normal maleness?
    Lol its just odd. The silence, then the random loudness, the rough play, the constant need for food, the strange ways they go about trying to get my attention

    Lol my son literally headbutts me at times
    My fiancé will pull strands of hair lol so bizarre but I love them

  107.  #110Azure Blu on October 29, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Ohhh… I forgot about the silence…
    They just don’t need or like to say a lot…
    They listen carefully… think deeply
    and speak carefully…
    I used to take it sooooo personally when my
    son would spend time processing what I was telling him… i was really hard on him about NOT talking…
    I have apologized for this… :-(( and changed my approach

    Now I am able to give him respect and the time and space he NEEDS when we are trying to work out something
    and I can now trust that if he can’t talk about it
    right away, he will when he is ready…
    with alllll kinds of wonderful, thoughtful
    solutions and conversation

    Ahhhh… so funny… YES… the head butting…
    I had forgotten that… sooo fun!!! :-))

  108.  #111Lilybelly on October 29, 2015 at 4:31 pm


    If you are feeling open to it, how is it that you are aware of your feelings, as you descibe above, at all times?

    Do the distractions at work, business at hand, not take over? I find it challenging to even find a moment at work, to think about feeding myself, let alone how I am feeling. It is usually on my drive home, especially lately, where I have begun to name how I feel.. mostly in physical, stressful feelings. Shoulders and neck feel so tense, they ache…type of feelings.

    I would love to be tuned in at all times, no matter which hat I am wearing.


  109.  #112April Rose on October 29, 2015 at 5:20 pm


    I feel really soothed by your comment and I can feel the love in it, which touched me.

    Yes, there is something more natural-feeling about a dog living outside.

    Even though it is only a tiny concrete yard, it is still outside among the air and the wind and the sounds of the neighbourhood.

    The walls are high, and this lovely creature spends a lot of the day in what to me looks like meditation, and at other times looks like a constant state of waiting. He looks at the back door of the house, which is shut, for long periods of time.
    Sometimes the door opens, a dish of food is placed on the ground, and the door closes again.

    I always believed that dogs were social creatures, and that to be seperated or outcast from the pack was a punishment. Maybe this is simply overlaying human concepts onto animals.

    Truth is, it is a mystery.
    Many beings we are upon this Earth, and each faces a unique challenge.
    Then again, this is just another human concept.

    I feel sincerely curious about what it must be like to live without language and concepts…

  110.  #113Tee on October 29, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Ahh Azure, changing approaches!
    I’m seeing that I need to do that. Not just with my guys but maybe overall. I had a really tough conversation with my mother today. She’s kinda emotionally closed off. She’s really not (in my opinion) capable of the type of affection that I need.
    We argued. I felt sad, hurt, discarded, unwanted. I’ve felt that way being raised by her. I decided that I really need to be done with her.

    I’m not valued enough by her to be a priority. I had asked her if she wouldn’t mind picking us up Friday since she’d already be in the city.

    She claimed it was too much driving. This is the same woman who drove from her house in NJ to a sports museum in Ohio. We live maybe 20 minutes from her, but she works in my city.

    I feel unloved. Maybe I never was. My sister either. At what point do people NOT deserve you?
    Maybe a change in approach would work but I’m doubting it.

    She barely calls or visits. Everything is an excuse. I don’t even think she’d notice if I just stopped.

    It’s a rough thing when you look at the hard reality that you don’t seem to mean as much to someone as you think you should

  111.  #114April Rose on October 29, 2015 at 6:13 pm


    Thank you for your lovely response to me. I can feel your empathy and I appreciate it a lot.

    I have offered to take the dog out for a walk on several occasions. Sometimes I take him to the park and sit in the sun and let him feel the grass beneath his body and the sun on his fur. It is cold in the UK now, and the yard he lives in faces North, which means the sun doesn’t enter there.

    I have been so desperate and sad, and have lost sleep over this matter. Gradually though, I am learning to talk to myself about it a different way.

  112.  #115Azure Blu on October 30, 2015 at 4:24 am

    (((April Rose)))
    Ohhhh… this does sound sooo sad
    to live next door to an animal that is
    not being treated the way you believe they should.
    I can feel your sadness… Solutions you have tried…
    I am feeling very anxious right now reading
    how lonely he must be…
    I too believe dogs are pack animals… and are much happier being with others…
    Yes… i guess it would be a process of letting go
    of the anxiety… and realizing some things are out of our control…

  113.  #116Mary on October 30, 2015 at 9:23 am

    I sent a comment a few days ago. Wondering if it is in moderation?
    So I will try this and see what happens.

  114.  #117Femininewoman on October 30, 2015 at 10:52 am

    RE 106 – Hi Lilybelly that is the reason why so many of us women are living the life we want to. We allow everything else to take precedence over ourselves. I can’t say I am aware of my feelings every moment of the day but if I need to use the bathroom no matter what I am doing I know that the feeling. That is one feeling we are trained to recognize as a child. No matter what I am doing during my day if I take a moment and turn my attention into myself and ask what am I feeling I am always able to come up with something in different parts of my body. I just need to put my attention there. Finding the words to express the feeling might not always come easily but I can tell that I am feeling something by putting my attention in a body part.

    I also do believe that some of us are more sensitive than others and are very aware of their feelings. They were just born that way. My daughter for instance sometimes I am so amazed when she talks. She is 18. I also have a girlfriend who is in tune with her feelings and her intuition that I am amazed. The thing with her is that she comes across so extremely confident and trusting of herself it is inspiring.

    Even in the midst of a busy day I believe it is possible to take a moment and check in with yourself. I get so busy at times I don’t eat but every so often a thought flashes asking myself did I eat. In that quick moment the attention can be moved to the stomach. You’ve just got to take yourself off autopilot for a moment.

  115.  #118Azure Blu on October 31, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    (((Tee))) #111
    Ahhh… it is fascinating to learn more about our
    parents, our relationships with them.
    For me it has been a lifelong journey
    of letting go and filling in the love
    that I felt I didn’t get….

    and as you mentioned changing MY Attitude..
    I did that with my mother 11 years ago…
    I realized I was treating her
    Like she treated me… wanting her to be
    a different person.
    critisizing and arguing with her
    because she just wasn’t living her
    life like I thought she needed to
    slowly but surely I decided to ACCEPT
    her just the way she is!
    I started opening my heart to who she REALLY
    is and STOP trying to make her someone else.
    It IS MAGICAL!!!
    our relationship is sooo much better…
    Also I stopped asking her for the emotional stuff
    I knew she couldn’t give me…
    AND now 11 years later she actually IS giving
    SOOO much more emotionally (cause, like Rori’s tools)
    I have opened my heart to the LOVE she does give!!!

  116.  #119Tee on October 31, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    #118 aaahhhh Azure Blue, thank you for responding. I’ve just felt so triggered lately and I’ve been reacting how I typically tend to react.
    Shutting down, closing myself off from everyone, feeling like a victim, vowing to not talk to certain people anymore, etc.

    However, slowly and softly there’s been another voice in my head. From reading RR, comments here from yourself and other Sirens.

    I don’t have react/respond so severely and violently. Why am I so triggered? What am I really feeling underneath the tears & rage?

    I feel unloved and unimportant.

    There’s more but I can’t find the words.

    I just feel that my relationships need to be healed. I feel like I’m rowing in the majority of them.

    I have choices. Everything isn’t make or break, do or die. I need to strengthen myself, my core, and that’s not wrong. It’s not mean.

    I can ask for what I want, ask for what I need.
    I can learn to use my words. I can continue to read and practice. 🙂

  117.  #120Zara on November 1, 2015 at 9:08 am

  118.  #121Femininewoman on November 1, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    RE 63 Hi Mary welcome. Would you wish to share more so we can understand where you are in your journey?

  119.  #122Stacey on November 1, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    So what if he has a girlfriend, and he continues to pursue you

  120.  #123Azure Blu on November 1, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    So nice to have you here…
    I too read rori’s blog and practiced as best I could for a year before I started sharing here on Siren Island

  121.  #124Femininewoman on November 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Stacey I believe Rori responded to your questions on the other thread.

    Stacey – Circular Date! He’s perfectly within his rights to be dating someone else until you’re completely unattached. I would do the same if I were him. Time clears all this…if it were me, I’d wade into this water! Just stay comfortable and stay in touch with your feelings – and speak them!. Why should he get rid of his girlfriend until you’re officially divorced? Love, Rori

  122.  #125Mary on November 4, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Azure Blue and FeminineWoman and anyone else who greeted me, I am learning to navigate here as a participant, not just an observer anymore! I see now my comment was posted.
    I already feel so welcome, thank you.
    I am currently going through a divorce, been separated for 6 months, but emotionally divorced for about 3 years. He has been dating, and I also met someone with whom I became very involved over the past 2 years. This man recently was transferred 1000 miles away due to military service. He hinted around about me finding a job there and moving to join him. Since I am not divorced yet and was a bit unsure of the place (much further north and brutal winters, I hear) I hesitated…I made plans in my own mind to visit as much as possible and decide later about moving. I didn’t really share with him how often I wanted to see him or any details. I assumed it would be okay whatever I decided…oops…It seems he wants me closer, to live near enough to see him on a regular basis, but not just to visit once a month or so. He can’t afford to pay for my travel (I would pay for my own, but he says it would make him feel like dirt.) He thinks it would be a financial strain on me, even though I have assured him it wouldn’t.
    Honestly, it would be a stretch, but I am willing to do it. At first, I thought he was pushing me away. Later I came to the conclusion that my visiting once in a while would be too difficult. He gets very stressed by strong emotional scenes. I could imagine every time I left, how sad I would be and how it would affect him. His job is also unpredictable. We could plan a weekend visit and then he might be required to work at the last minute.
    I was really upset about not visiting. I had leaned way forward, checked on flights and everything without talking to him about it first. I am trying not to row the boat now, and we’re dead in the water. I talked about what I wanted and he said it was impossible long distance. Now nobody is rowing the boat and I am struggling to allow him. Hoping he steps up. I am starting to circular date, as distasteful as it is, because my anxiety about not doing something is driving me crazy. It does help me to defocus from him.

  123.  #126Mary on November 4, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Azure Blue and FeminineWoman and anyone else who greeted me, I am learning to navigate here as a participant, not just an observer anymore! I see now my comment was posted.
    I already feel so welcome, thank you.
    I am currently going through a divorce, been separated for 6 months, but emotionally divorced for about 3 years. He has been dating, and I also met someone with whom I became very involved over the past 2 years. This man recently was transferred 1000 miles away due to military service. He hinted around about me finding a job there and moving to join him. Since I am not divorced yet and was a bit unsure of the place (much further north and brutal winters, I hear) I hesitated…I made plans in my own mind to visit as much as possible and decide later about moving. I didn’t really share with him how often I wanted to see him or any details. I assumed it would be okay whatever I decided…oops…It seems he wants me closer, to live near enough to see him on a regular basis, but not just to visit once a month or so. He can’t afford to pay for my travel (I would pay for my own, but he says it would make him feel like dirt.) He thinks it would be a financial strain on me, even though I have assured him it wouldn’t.
    Honestly, it would be a stretch, but I am willing to do it. At first, I thought he was pushing me away. Later I came to the conclusion that my visiting once in a while would be too difficult. He gets very stressed by strong emotional scenes. I could imagine every time I left, how sad I would be and how it would affect him. His job is also unpredictable. We could plan a weekend visit and then he might be required to work at the last minute.
    I was really upset about not visiting. I had leaned way forward, checked on flights and everything without talking to him about it first. I am trying not to row the boat now, and we’re dead in the water. I talked about what I wanted and he said it was impossible long distance. Now nobody is rowing the boat and I am struggling to allow him. Hoping he steps up. I am starting to circular date, as distasteful as it is, because my anxiety about not doing something is driving me crazy. It does help me to defocus from him.

  124.  #127Mary on November 4, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    oops, accidentally posted my comment twice…
    I just listened to the most beautiful meditation