Why Are You There?

Untitled design (14)

Here’s a letter from Leslie (and my long, rambling answer) that can help you in so many ways:

“Hello, Rori. I’m 58 years old and have a long history doing all the things you discuss that don’t work. I’m very successful at them! However, I have been single for 27 years and still seriously long to be in a committed, long-term relationship with a man who is deeply in love with me. I’m really good at being in love, I’m an expert at that, too! But I have not been an expert at selecting a man who is in love with me and wants to keep me in his life because I am precious to him. Thanks! Leslie”

My Answer:

Leslie, you’ve done all the stuff (just like I used to do) that doesn’t work.

Very much Overfunctioning – and you’ve been single for a long time and you’d love to be in a committed relationship with a man, but you’re so used to choosing men who don’t love you that’s it hard to know if a guy is going to love you.

So – here’s my question for you:

Do You Really Want To Be Loved?

Would you really, actually like having the attention of love showered on you? Would you really actually like to have somebody love you?

Think about it. Imagine it.

Leslie is essentially asking if she would really like being loved and – this sounds really silly to you if you’ve been suffering, working hard for love.

It sounds crazy, but it’s the truth somewhere deep inside us all. Do we REALLY want to be loved?

That’s the question here.

The questions to ask yourself over and over are this:

  • Where am I not forgiving myself?
    Why am I punishing myself?
    Why am I choosing relationships where I’m not being loved?
    Why am I falling for men who aren’t available emotionally?
    Why am I spending a year of my life in a relationship with a man who is clearly not doing what men are supposed to do?
    What do I know or think from what I’ve seen in the movies and the books that I’m not getting?
    What do I think I’m supposed to have?
    What do I think I deserve?

And – the big one:

If a man isn’t doing the job – Why am I here?

The question is ALWAYS: Why am I here?

And again: Where am I not forgiving myself? Why am I punishing myself with bad relationships?

…and the answer it not – because there are no good men out there, or because I don’t know how to meet men.

It has nothing to do with them.

If you don’t have a skill set, it’s because you’re punishing yourself and you’re choosing (in a way that’s being run by your subconscious so you hardly even know you’re “choosing” men at all!) to be around men who don’t love you.

So – Would you really like to be loved?

What’s Most Important To You – Chemistry Or Love?

Is being loved by him more important to you than the chemistry, the intensity of love you want to feel for him?

Because this is the direction we all have to go in – forgetting about chemistry and opening up to love.

Chemistry is small, superficial, wrongly intense, and misleading.

Love is deep, big, wide, expansive, and lets you become your best, most full-bodied and fulfilled self.

We want to deny our assumptions, our patterns, our bad “man pickers,” our chemically induced attractions and what we “think” about a man.

And focus EXCLUSIVELY on allowing ourselves to be loved.

And then simply choose a man from all the men who love us.

Sounds simple, and it is.  It’s just not what we’re used to. It feels weird and wrong. but it’s the way to go.

Baby Steps

So – we’ve got baby steps here – Circular Dating. Practicing Feeling Messages. Sticking to the 4 Rules.

Becoming more and more exquisitely aware of what’s going on inside you:

What you’re saying and doing.

How your “vibe” is creating attraction to you – or, if you’re finding yourself instinctively “chasing” after a man you’re attracted to.

That’s what my whole program is about. Baby stepping.

That’s why Circular Dating is so helpful – because you get out there, you flirt with, open up to, connect with every man, woman and child that walks across your path.

You start to become aware of how you feel, and you start to practice expressing how you feel.

You are done with superficiality.

You are now about going deeper.

Only Consider a Man Who’s Into You And Makes You Feel Secure – No Matter HOW Long You’ve Been Dating Him

If a guy really looks at you and walks up to you, do you want to run away? Do you think there’s something wrong with him? Do you immediately think that you’re not attracted to him?

Bottom line – the only man you should even consider giving the “time of day” is a man that walks up to you and wants to love you.Everybody else is just out of consideration!

And yet – we all instinctivelylook at men who come up to us and we just kind of dismiss them!

I want you to make these men who are interested in you your only pool.

I want you ALWAYS to feel secure about where you stand with a man.

Men who are not available – men you have to chase – are simply not considerable.

If you want to be loved, where a man is actually giving love to you that you can return and that you can feel comfortable and secure in for the rest of your life – then you have to be careful and very vigilant to only allow men near you at all who are loving you, even if they’re only doing it temporarily.

Circular dating allows for these guys who are just good three month, four month guys where they can only love you for three or four months and then they run.

It allows for that because you’re not hung up with them. It’s nice to have a guy all over you! And he’s in contention until he stops loving you. Pretty simple because the guy who’s there for the long term doesn’t stop loving you.

Sometimes a man backs off because he feels disrespected or that he can’t make us happy or we’re doing something to push him away.

So, that is the key there for you. You only look at the pool of men who are loving to you and then you start watching your behavior around them to see how you’re pushing them away.

The Four Rules work here. If you’re closing off your heart and lying to men, if you’re not opening your heart and body to them…this is how you practice little by little by little to let guys in.

And this is how, Leslie, you’re going to find out if you’d actually like having the attention of being loved….

I’m going to tell you that at this moment – you might not like it, but we can change that.

You don’t like it right now, but that’s because  – now we’re back to the basic questions above:

Where are you not forgiving yourself and why are you punishing yourself?

You Can Love A Man Who Loves You And Who Is NOT Going Anywhere

You deserve love, girl. I’m telling you you deserve it – and that a man who is pleasant and a good lover and who loves you is way better than a hot guy who’s gorgeous but who doesn’t love you.

I know that sounds bad. It’s not like the great chemical kind of excitement that you see in the movies, but over the long haul you as a woman are capable beyond measure of falling in love with a man who loves you even if it starts out where all you feel is pleasantness.

I know this for a fact in my own life and I’ve seen it in clients. I’ve also seen this happen, so I want to give you this disclaimer: A guy who’s just nice and a friend and you give him a shot. So, he’s there and he loves you and he treats you great. You go out for six, 10 dates and you throw your lot in with him and then three months later he dumps you and you go, “What the hell? This is a guy I would never have considered before. He wasn’t great looking. He wasn’t fantastic. The chemistry wasn’t there. I didn’t consider him and here it still didn’t work.”

Okay and what I’m going to say to that is this: You don’t know – there’s no way for us to know what a guy is really made out of until he puts the ring on your finger and we’re at the altar and the marriage happens and even then we may not know. If you have been ignoring the red flags your whole life, you’re going to miss them. You’re going to miss the red flags.

He may look good. He may come on loving, but he may have as much difficulty with intimacy as you do. So, what you want to do is Circular Date with these guys. Don’t throw yourself in with them for like the first three or four months. Don’t say, “Okay. I’ll be exclusive.” Just say, “I really want to see if you are all that you’re cracked up to be. I really want to see if this is going to last. I’m willing to give you a shot.”

Circular Dating Works Because YOU ALWAYS Have The Power To WALK AWAY!

Now, I know how hard this seems because we want to have a boyfriend. We want to have a man around, but just think of it this way – What would it be like – and I want you to consider this possibility of having four boyfriends all at the same time and sleeping with them all (and I hear you all laughing going, “No, no, no. Can’t do that”)…

I just want you to just get really outlandish here. Go in the other direction from where you feel most “comfortable.”

I think that would make you happy – sleeping with 4 men at the same time! I think that would make me happy. Who wouldn’t want that?

At least the FREEDOM to do that?

That’s how guys feel and I think that you would like that, too! And then you’d get to choose from all of them.

Now, you don’t have to sleep with all four of them, but it’s okay. Yeah, you can sleep with one of them and date four of them. You can. The thing is your guilt and the fact that you don’t think it’s the right thing for you to do is getting in your way.

Back again to: Where am I not forgiving myself? Why am I punishing myself? Why have I made that decision that I’m not allowed to have one lover and still date three other men? Who told me that? Where is it written?

I’m here to tell you it’s not written anywhere except in your own brain.

You get to make up your own life.

You get to stay completely open and STILL choose!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 7:48 am

    602: kaitlyn says:


    I feel curious about your opinion of my situation. Thanks! And, yes, ‘unsolicited’ advice is very welcome.”

    Sorry Kaitlyn, I was so wrapped up in the conversations I was having, I missed your stuff. Give me a recap or point me to the relevant posts in the other thread and I would be happy to weigh in.

    I feel grateful that you value my input so I will do my best in my response.

  2.  #2turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Wow….. I’m kind of speechless. Do I want someone to love me, really love me, or do I want a man to love? Because, for the most part, that is what I choose, men I love more.

    Only be with men who love me…. foreign concept

    who told me I can’t sleep with one man and date three???? Really, who did tell me that? I want them to be exclusive, so I am…. but why do I want them to be exclusive before I even know if I love them or if they love me?

    What am I afraid of???? Being left, abandonment. Loving and trusting someone, and ending up alone again. How do I heal that?

    I choose. I am in control. I decide if they are even worthy of my love and trust because of the committment they have made to me, not before it, not in hopes of it. Not in imaginary or assuming ways. Huh, I really do control my destiny.

    Now, where do I start? CD’ing, practice, practice…..

    Rori, this article spoke more to me than all the others. Thank you for opening my eyes to the big picture. DO I want to be loved? IF so, why do I only pick the men I feel so much chemistry with?

    I have A LOT to learn.

  3.  #3Lilybelle on April 21, 2011 at 7:59 am


    Thank you, Rori! I so needed this!!


  4.  #4Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 7:59 am

    626: Tmizz

    “But I want to say I really, really appreciate your male perspective on this! Don’t tell Rori, but I almost think it’s even more useful than some of what she says! But it all kind of goes together.”

    Thanks for the props. It feels great to be appreciated. And you are right, it all goes together. Rori even said so herself that all people can do is look at all of the info from various sources and use what works for them in their given situations.

    “Did she plant you here?;)”

    LOL, nope, I just found this website by accident but I enjoy helping people if and when I can, and I am an extrovert so I enjoy talking to almost anyone.

    My personality type is a thinker not a feeler though, which does not mean I don’t have feelings or am not in touch with my feelings, but it means that my logical side dominates my feeling side, so I think it can cause problems on the net when I talk to people. I am trying to correct that because I know my posts can come across as far more judgmental than they are meant to be. My only intention EVER, is to just offer what my opinion is based on what I see written, and I know that there is much that I don’t know about the situation based on what is written. For instance, I was not in any way judging whether anyone does or does not work out.

    My point was only to offer encouragement to those who think it is too much effort for the reward or think they have so far to go to see results that they feel overwhelmed. My point was to correct that notion because the truth really is that you may not see results quickly but others will. And as you so rightly pointed out, YOU will feel results because you just plain feel better. So my point was only to say that taking that first step, IF YOU AREN’T working out, is so worth it and you WILL NOT regret it if you do take it.

    And you are right, the most important reason to do so is because of how much better you feel after the initial soreness, and the fact that others will notice a positive change quickly is just icing on the cake.

    I also wanted to correct the notion that many women have that weight resistance training is for men not women and that if they do it they will start looking manly. Nothing could be further from the truth and in fact, you simply start looking toned and healthy very quickly and strong muscles burn more fat which of course is a positive.

  5.  #5Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 8:06 am

    614: gina

    “im not a raging potthead rusty, yeesh i feel defensive. and yeah i have like 4 jobs btw. smoking pot often and leading a more free spirited party lifestyle, i felt content with what i have, and now i feel restless. also, before i imagined id end up with d, and now im back at square 1, which ads to the discontent”

    Sorry for the confusion. Your post left a lot to the imagination so I saw it much like a roommate I had in San Diego who had been smoking a small amount of pot every single day. I wouldn’t classify him as a pothead, but it did affect his motivation and his health.

    he didn’t stop until the doctors made him aware of what was happening to him. When he did quit, his motivation didn’t just come back right away. He had to take small steps to correct bad habits that he had let build up.

    Anyway, I believe that you can do whatever you set your mind to so I believe that you will get to where you want to be.

    Good luck in your journey to get there. It will be worth the effort, of that I am sure.

  6.  #6Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 8:22 am

    631: Tmizz says:

    Rusty re: #578

    You wrote:

    “Every woman has flaws. Men aren’t as interested in your flaws as they are the things about you that make you attractive. Emphasize those.”

    Then you said:

    “I knew a girl once who went out of her way to emphasize her negatives and made the statement that this would allow her to find the guys who could deal with her negatives.

    I can’t even tell you how misguided that is and how it shows a total lack of understanding on how a man’s mind works.”

    So which is it? Emphasize our flaws or don’t? Or ignore them because they’re not important?

    I’m confused… :/”

    Sorry if I was not more clear. I was saying that every woman has flaws. I was saying not to obsess on those and instead downplay them and highlight your good attributes. I think most of you women do this already. For instance if you don’t think you have nice legs, but you like your feet, you tend to wear pants with a sandal type shoe that shoes off your painted toes.

    I was saying that this other girl I knew went the complete opposite direction because she downplayed her positives and played up her negatives.

    So in her case, she would wear shoes and shorts for instance to hide her pretty toes but show off her legs that she doesn’t like.

    This is backwards because you are hiding your best points and putting all of your flaws out there front and center. In other words, you aren’t helping the man concentrate on your best points but instead making him focus on your bad points.

    It’s like if you have great legs and no boobs, every time he wants to look at your legs, you keep pulling his chin up to make him look at the boobs.

    Lurker and I both agree on this. Simply downplay your flaws in a non-obsessive way, and play up your best attributes and the guy will take care of the rest because this is all he really wants. He wants you to play up the best points so he can focus on, and enjoy those parts and ignore the parts you aren’t as happy about.

    usually this is just stated as, “make the most of what you have.”

  7.  #7Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 8:37 am

    641: turquoise3 says:

    “Daria, didn’t mean it to sound like you should please them first, I’m just surprised men are telling you no. Are you asking them to go down on you without your reciprocating? I don’t understand…. usually when I’ve talked with men about sex before having it, they tell me how much they love doing it. The ironic thing though, oral isn’t a real big deal to me, so I don’t care that much about it. BUT, they all seem to want it, so if it was something I really wanted or needed to feel satisfied, I’d think it would be fair to say that was how I wanted to be pleased.”

    I wanted to weigh in here because as a man, for many men, this is a very personal thing and enjoyed much more when you know the woman well.

    However, some men I know see this as a manipulative thing also. They know many men will hesitate at doing it at first, so they see it as a way to nudge out any competition. As one guy told me, “That’s how you make that P_ssy yours…that’s how you own it.”

    To me it’s more of an intimate thing. I’ve never felt comfortable doing it on the first time. I guess I feel i need to know her a little bit on a sexual level before I go there. And when i do it, what i am getting out of it is her pleasure. It makes me happy to see her enjoying it. but she doesn’t have to “ACT” a certain way. If you are enjoying it it will show naturally.

    However, if a guy wants you to go down on him but does not want to do it for you, to me that is a huge red flag and this is where I love to be of service here. I have known many men that were admittedly using women for sex and this was a common thing among them. They looked for, in their opinion, a woman that was not confident, felt unappreciated by men, etc… In their opinion, and easy mark to take advantage of. Their experience told them that these women were willing to do this, at least for awhile, without demanding it in return.

    It is selfish and this should be a major red flag to any woman. I will admit that throughout my life, when I was really into a girl, and I was trying to put my best foot forward, I never brought up anything about her going down on me, but would gladly admit to her that in a relationship I would be more than happy to do that for her.

    I think if you use your own feminine good judgment, you know there is something off about a man talking about wanting it but not wanting to give. Especially at a point in a relationship where you are supposedly trying to put your best foot forward.

    “Daria, I really wasn’t judging you, at all… just trying to suggest another way to bring it up. I don’t know any men who don’t like to receive oral. Just an idea, not a criticism.”

    Well, to be honest, there have been many women that I was with that I could have easily done without it, and I have admitted that my present wife is one of them.

    Basically, if a woman is the “don’t cum in my mouth” types, she almost always is not really that great at it, especially in comparison to women that would go all the way in that regard.

    Usually, you have to hide most of your excitement, or if she does something that really feels good, you have to be careful on how you express it. I personally found that I had to tell her I liked what she was doing without showing too much excitement in my voice, and never ever groan excitedly because it would freak them out and they would stop because they were afraid that it meant you were getting too close to the edge. In short, their “distaste” for the ending affected how good they were at doing the whole thing, and at the same time, as the man, you can’t really just lay back and enjoy it.

    In these cases, I could really live with it or without it.

  8.  #8Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 8:57 am

    @#724: Mel

    Great post, nd I did see some things I wanted to say right away but there is a lot to say and I don’t want to give you anything less than my best response so I will get to this later. I have to leave for an appointment right now so I will get to this later.

    Same for Kaitlyn.

    I think she deserves a very good response and I am slowly putting some of the pieces together on her story. I hope she can put together a recap for me so I can do it justice.

  9.  #9LonePlum on April 21, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Dr House Broken

    Wow! That was powerful, like if written for us on here.
    OK, click on the link here

    you’ll see a small BOX in the middle of he video
    It says advertisement on top of the small box
    DO NOT click on ”DOWNLOAD”
    DO NOT click on “PLAY NOW”
    DO NOT click on anything inside the small box.

    Click on the X on the right end top of the small box
    The small box vanishes

    click in the big arrow in the CENTER of the video
    The movie Dr House starts.
    It lasts 86 minutes

    On the right column of the page you’ll see two small boxes.
    It says “remove ads”
    DO NOT click on “”DOWNLOAD”
    DO NOT click on “PLAY NOW”
    DO NOT click on anything.
    It would take you to a payment page.
    Let it be.

    Once in while, a commercial starts, inside one of these small boxes.
    Don’t try to get rid of the commercial, it would take you out of the movie, to a new page.
    Instead, click on the “volume” sign of the commercial to turn it to mute 😉
    Now you can’t hear the advertisement any more he he he
    Enjoy the movie. 🙂


  10.  #10Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

    I like this article very much. Lots of truth there.

    I still don’t want to sleep with any men who are potentially sleeping with other women.

    The catch 22, in my experience, is in getting a man you may be sleeping with to believe that if you are even dating other men, you are not potentially sleeping with other men yourself.

    Like, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

    If I’m dating others, there is possibility that they are going to date others.

    And men tend to be less monogamous to begin with.

    Even if I say, “no way, I only share my body with one man at a time, no multiple sex partners for me, why should they believe me?”

    I find that this has been a bone 😉 of contention.

    Anyone share this concern ?

    I know Rori ‘might’ say, Don’t worry about any of that, just be your feminine self, but I am concerned with protecting my health.

    Guys? You wanna weigh in on this if you care to ?


  11.  #11Mercedes on April 21, 2011 at 9:10 am

    No time to read…only to subscribe…

    Happy Easter everyone if I don’t “see” you before then.

    Much Love,

  12.  #12Mel on April 21, 2011 at 9:25 am

    I might not FEEL like a yummy pie today, but the one I just baked looks and smells pretty darn good!

    Thanks Rusty. I look forward to hearing your perspective!

  13.  #13Prairie Girl on April 21, 2011 at 9:37 am

    #6 Rusty says:
    Basically, if a woman is the “don’t cum in my mouth” types, she almost always is not really that great at it, especially in comparison to women that would go all the way in that regard.
    This is an interesting assumption, do many men think it? Do you know?

    See… I am VERY good at giving oral… and that’s me being modest about it…lol… Granted I only know this by what I’ve been told from the recipients and I guess they could be lying when they say things like I’m “an experience like no other” ….BUT I only swallow on special occasions…like.. your birthday or something..

    And even then I need to have something to drink after to wash it down.. I just don’t like the taste.. and so far nothing a guy did, like doesn’t eat salt or something, made it better..

    I can do it, but I don’t love it.. I’ll get you right there and help you w/my hand and not leave ya until you are completely sated.. but it’s gotta be your birthday for me to swallow…lol


  14.  #14tinque on April 21, 2011 at 9:47 am

    And there are those men who don’t like it so much. As a tease most definitely, as a serious part of lovemaking, no way.

    I read somewhere that it’s not so much the act itself that’s a turn on but the willingness of the woman to do it and the acceptance she’s giving him.




  15.  #15Prairie Girl on April 21, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I just reread what I posted.. the part I will do but don’t love is NOT the oral itself.. I enjoy giving oral if it gives my partner pleasure…it’s the swallowing I don’t love…

    Just to clarify…giggle

  16.  #16Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 10:04 am


    “It has to be your birthday”

    ROFL!!! 🙂

    That’s great! I’m gonna borrow that!
    if the occasion “arises” 😉


  17.  #17Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Woohoo! I’m doing it right, perfectly!! IEEE I can sleep w all four of them and it Would be fun!

    Ohh and I found out I wasn’t forgiving myself for the few times I Did go down on a man first. Whaaa! Yes! I forgive myself now.

  18.  #18Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Some words from another coaches email
    Here are just SOME things you can expect from a healthy relationship:

    * Unconditional love (you can’t ‘screw up’ or DO anything to make him stop loving you) and acceptance of you for who you are.

    * No more having to jump through emotional hoops to get your needs met.

    * A true partnership of equals where you both challenge each other, inspire each other, and give one another the freedom to grow as individuals.

    It’s a matter of realizing that LIFE has plenty of its
    own ups and downs without needing to CREATE drama in our romantic relationships. When we’re a part of that healthy partnership I just mentioned, we function as a SUPPORT SYSTEM for one another to help each other through LIFE’s ups and downs.

    The roller coaster of LIFE is a whole lot easier to enjoy when the person we choose to share a seat with is ON OUR SIDE rather
    than against us.

  19.  #19Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 10:10 am

    tinque I just love what you wrote and PG I resonate with what you are saying.

  20.  #20Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Lol loving Rustys head post especially the last part. I feel blessed because I love Cum lol. Blush.

    It feels embarrassing for me to talk about sex w a man

    Sometimes I practice ‘blurting’ stuff just to babystep and then I freak out that I sound like a desperate disgusting nympho.

    Hello where am I not forgiving mysellf?

  21.  #21The Lurker on April 21, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Rori, that story is just in time, imho. And as one of those males who much too often end in the “lets just be friends” category I want to thank you for reinforcing those points. Even though I still HATE the idea of “my” date sleeping with three other guys at the same time. I would only (grudgingly) tolerate this if I’m really in love with the girl. But then, that’S the whole point, right? To sort those out who’re not invested enough to cope with the competition.

    @Elizabeth “men tend to be less monogamous to begin with.” Not sure about this, but I remember reading about the “monogamous gene” recently, and that about half of the males have it. Imho the point is, even monogamous men can be ‘successfully’ tempted. The male sex drive is higher than the female one, so being faithful is more difficult for us. Especially since we often don’t get as much sex at home as we’d like to have. Also, pls note that other empirical studies say more women are unfaithful then men. So, d’oh.

    @Mel ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.’ Not sure if that’s the way into his pants, too, though!

    1. Where are those men?
    2. Indeed!

  22.  #22Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:18 am

    “The catch 22, in my experience, is in getting a man you may be sleeping with to believe that if you are even dating other men, you are not potentially sleeping with other men yourself.”

    I wond and don’t even bother! I’m not trying to get them to believe anything. And I don’t even need them to think I’m not sleeping with anyone else.

    The men who are into me will want me anyways. The ones who trip are showing the redflags early – like ManCD who freaked yesterday when he heard men in the background.

  23.  #23Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 10:19 am

    I feel like I am really missing Boomer. I wish you would come back.

  24.  #24Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:23 am

    When I was young I didn’t want to go down on a guy cuz I didn’t want them to ‘have something over me and say they ‘played’ me’

    But I was still loving natural body stuff. I remember I gave my highschool boyfriend a handjob lol first ever messing around for u’s… And then I instinctively licked the cum off my fingers! Lol! I was like wow! I love him and his body and his juices.

    And then I knew I was a freak cuz I knew lots of people didn’t like it.

    But to me I see it as magical and precious and natural and blessed.

  25.  #25Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

    This discussion is making me want to go out and give some head! Lool!

  26.  #26Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 10:30 am

    20. Lurker

    “Even though I still HATE the idea of “my” date sleeping with three other guys at the same time. I would only (grudgingly) tolerate this if I’m really in love with the girl. But then, that’S the whole point, right? To sort those out who’re not invested enough to cope with the competition.”

    Something about this statement, esp the last sentence, is helping me get more clarity with my little dilemma.
    I suppose it works both ways, too.
    OK, this is good.


  27.  #27Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I meant, i suppose it works both ways– for women to see who is more invested, and for men to see who is more invested.

  28.  #28Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 10:39 am

    I don’t think Rori means to actually run out and sleep with four different guys, but to make just the thought and feeling of it OK, because it’s like that tool of putting yourself in the middle and seeing all these varied and different men coming towards you with all the wonderful energy and love and all the things that represent that, coming towards you, including sexual pleasure, and to be open to it from all of them. Not that you necessarily have to do actually do it with all of them. That’s what comes to me about it right now.


  29.  #29The Lurker on April 21, 2011 at 10:43 am

    “I meant, i suppose it works both ways– for women to see who is more invested, and for men to see who is more invested.”

    Liz, I can speak only for me, but I don’t like the idea of sleeping with other girls while I’m already emotionally invested in one, so this idea of a “competition” is alien to me. I may be a serial monogamist, but I’m still monogamous. And a relationship starts in my mind way before it starts in reality. But maybe that’s only me.

  30.  #30SummerBaby on April 21, 2011 at 10:45 am

    so what is everyone’s preferred method of dealing with guilt?

    I’m currently experiencing my head replaying scenes from my past over and over. I “feel” the feelings of guilt wash over me and in some cases shame. It’s not like I can go back and do over, so how do I let go of these stories? or at least how do I change how they make me feel now?


    the more I learn, the less I know

  31.  #31Daria on April 21, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Bit I can do it with them if I want to! And it would feel good! And I love it that there’s Four, not just two or even three! Wheeee! Lol

    This really helped me open my energy

  32.  #32Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 10:54 am


    Another superb article! Thank you!

    I grapple with that, because the fact is, I DO have a man in my life who loves ME thoroughly! And he has been in my life for 11 years! That’s Kenny, for those of you who don’t know me well.

    He is in prison, and he has been since I met him, so it’s not quite the same. But he is due to be released in 2 years, so after being long distance with him for 11 years, 2 years looks easy, and is no longer a huge consideration.

    Maybe Rori is right, but I wonder if I am settling for second best. Kenny would die for me. My happiness is literally more important than his own. He said there is no other woman for me, and he proved it, this past 5 years since our divorce. He will never marry again.

    I guess for me there are other considerations. I miss the deep understanding with Kenny that I felt with Ryan. I miss talking at a deep psychological level. Kenny calls it psychobabble and he calls me a self-help addict. And all that is a huge part of my life.

    I am deeply sensitive, and Kenny isn’t. Sometimes I feel isolated inside. He interacts with my outer self, and he lives in the world of words and actions. I live in the world of beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. I could be happy with him, but I would always feel like I could have had more. I am not sure. I guess it will be revealed as I continue to date, and to date him as I get to know him in the free world.

  33.  #33Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

    The very BEST gift you can give to your man is to BE HAPPY yourself.

    How Do You Make Your Man Happy?
    By taking really good care of YOU in all ways.
    By you filling YOU up. With work, hobbies, people, and activities you love.
    By filling yourself with passion for life and love.
    By loving and embracing YOU.
    AND a KEY piece here in making your man happy is if he is an IMPORTANT, contributing part of your happiness, AND he knows it.

    Your Man Is Happy When He Sees the He Makes You Happy
    Meaning he makes you laugh and love even bigger.
    Meaning the things he does for you fill you up even more.
    Meaning the love and adoration he bestows on you make you expand and bloom all the more beautifully.
    Meaning he takes you deeper than you even could alone.
    If this man of yours, this wonderful being who loves you KNOWS he can and does make you feel SO AMAZINGLY GOOD, that you feel DELIGHTED being with him even if it’s doing nothing at all, that HE makes YOU feel HAPPY, then that’s the ULTIMATE gift of all.

    Your man will be yours FOREVER.

    He will know this through your beautiful, welcoming smile and embrace at the door when he returns home, through your soft contentment emanating from you in the warm, comforting snuggle you share in bed every night and/or every morning, through the pleasure radiating out of you from the small gestures to the grand ones, in the joy, the ecstasy he brings you from the mind blowing orgasms he helps give you.

    Your satisfaction in all things, sexually and otherwise will flow out copiously in your actions and through your energy. And this will make for one HAPPY man. And he will love you all the more for it too.

    Not much else, maybe nothing else will make him feel happier than feeling YOUR happiness.

    The VERY BEST thing you can do in making your man happy is not only finding your joy and love within but also in ALLOWING HIM to make you feel happier still.

    Tinque I love this.

  34.  #34Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

    28. Lurker

    “Liz, I can speak only for me, but I don’t like the idea of sleeping with other girls while I’m already emotionally invested in one, so this idea of a “competition” is alien to me.”

    Yes, that’s what I mean. If a man sleeps with me and is still interested in sleeping with other women, it makes me feel that he is not emotionally invested enough, and I don’t want to sleep with him.

    For me, I can’t sleep with a man if I am not emotionally invested. The matter is, my pattern has been to emotionally invest in questionable men before I truly trust that they are emotionally invested.

    It is hard to tell sometimes. Not only that…but even IF they are emotionally invested, there are just too many character flaws that I don’t choose to have in my life and they are invested for the wrong reasons.

    So Rori’s article on where have I been withholding love from myself is timely, and I am learning to raise the bar higher and clean up my energetic environment.

    i feel very thankful right now


  35.  #35Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 11:02 am


    RE: #29 – My counselor has me use the Stop Sign Tool for guilt and shame. I originally learned that tool from Rosa, and it was a lead article on a thread.

    Then my counselor told me about it, and expanded its use. I had been using it to stop thoughts about Ryan that kept an unhealthy circle in my head. She said when feelings of shame and guilt came, envision the stop sign, then replace them with thoughts of truth about myself and my standing before God. Whatever works for you.

    She also had me recall details of how I felt and what I pictured at a moment that was successful in my life. I felt confident, proud, etc. Then when the feelings of shame and inadequacy come, stop and close my eyes and get in that place where I felt good about myself. It’s all been helping!

  36.  #36The Lurker on April 21, 2011 at 11:03 am

    FP, that story is from Tinque? Sounds VERY good to me! That’s a great offer. Where can I subscribe?

  37.  #37Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Yes, Daria, I hear you! And it’s all perfectly OK.

    But I know I would never do that, i mean simultaneously sleeping with four different guys, simply because I don’t want to. and I am way OK with that too.

    To me, that is rock star as much as anything.


  38.  #38Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 11:07 am


    You nympho, you! LOL! Me too!

    The way I got comfy talking about sex with men was just putting it into nani-level feeling messages! I did this long before I came across Rori! I wanted to develop the vixen side of myself, so I just said what I felt in the moment, “I love to feel you inside me! Mmmm, that feels so good!” I just set myself free and got a little drunk to loosen my inhibitions and just said and did what felt good in the moment.

  39.  #39Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I am IMing with someone on a dating site, and practicing tools…having a lot of fun!


  40.  #40SummerBaby on April 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Brenda thanks, i will give that a try


  41.  #41Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

  42.  #42tinque on April 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

    I’m glad you showed up Lurker. I felt bad I didn’t include you in my original post, and then here you are.

    “Where are those men?”

    Right here in my house. He just doesn’t like oral. Or better he’s indifferent to it. He “allows” me to play with him orally as a tease or just because I like to, and he loves that I’m obsessed with his peepee, but he doesn’t want it as part of our lovemaking. He says it feels impersonal.

    I’m not a big fan of receiving as I said, or rather I feel indifferent about it, would much rather do other things, for other things feel better, more intense, but if he wants to, I won’t say no. There again it’s more of a tease thing.


  43.  #43Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

    I feel grateful for tinque.


  44.  #44tinque on April 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Summerbaby – You did the best you could in those moments. You can’t ask any more from yourself or anyone else than that.


  45.  #45Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

    …and here I am, with the opportunity to not fall into therapist/counselor/minister mode, with this man on the dating site…widower talking the whole time about his relationship with his wife…

  46.  #46tinque on April 21, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Oh my sweet Bren – Don’t get me started on nympho talk. I’ve been chomping at the bit with all of this sex chatter. What I love to do with K’s cum. What he loves to do with mine. Okay, ‘nuf said.


  47.  #47Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

    OK, good, because I leaned back, he noticed he was talking about that too much and asked to change the subject and asked about me….good

  48.  #48tinque on April 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

    Lurker – My site is at sexandheart.com.


  49.  #49Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I find this from Virginia FeingoldClark really refreshing

    Sometimes the best way to work on yourself is to NOT work on yourself at all.

    I know you’ve probably spent countless hours reading self-help books and blogs online trying to keep up with what the experts are telling you, it can be exhausting. Absorbing all the advice and different opinions of what you should or should not do — it can make your head spin!

    Besides all that, you may be working really hard and doing your “relationship” homework: practicing meditation techniques, writing affirmations or making a vision board. These are all helpful, but at some point they can feel like drudgery.

    I’ve been there, I know. When I was single and desperately trying to find a man, I was working hard at it and thinking about it 24/7.

    I was overwhelmed with other people’s advice and my own worry that it would never happen. You might even say I was obsessing about my search for love. It took over my thinking and I went through my days as though I had blinders on.

    If you know what I’m talking about then you may be feeling overwhelmed and obsessed with your search for a partner.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is STOP!

    Not for forever of course — but you need to take a mental break and “smell the roses.”

    If you are consumed with your search for a man, you will be giving off an energy that is needy and desperate. You might not realize you’re doing this but the people around you can feel it.

    I didn’t know how single-minded I had become until it was pointed out to me by a good friend.

    You can get so wrapped up in yourself that you don’t even see what’s happening around you and you can lose your enjoyment of life.

    The perfect anti-dote to the feeling that’s “it’s just too much” is to STOP your search for a man and do something that takes you out of yourself.

    Find someone with bigger problems than you and help them. There is no better way to forget your worries and in the meantime help someone and especially help yourself.

    Helping another person will build your self-esteem and we all need that. Self-esteem does not come from the outside, it only comes from doing things that make you proud of yourself.

    So give yourself permission to take a mental vacation from your concerns about your romantic future and you’ll return “home” with a new perspective.

    And take the time to smell the roses

  50.  #50Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 11:50 am


    RE: #41 – Tongue-pleasuring to me is more personal than sex itself! I can’t comprehend how anyone would see that as impersonal! Wow.

  51.  #51Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 11:51 am


    RE: #45 – LOLOLOLOL! Oh, please, do tell! 🙂

  52.  #52Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Brenda – I think you’ve got a good line of inquiry for yourself going on here! Dr. Gilda talks about the question and then the “better” question…

    so if it’s not what do guys like, but it’s more of what do I like and how do I like to be, that is also what guys like (the interlapping area of two “circles” of thought….) it’s the better question.

    However E’s eletters have also shown me the validity of the how to live in the world with the best match for YOU…and it has very little to do with conversations….more about ways of being.

    Good luck with this, it sounds like a great line of inquiry!!


  53.  #53Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm


    Thanks! I see where Rori’s coming from: We deserve men who love us and treat us well.

    But I tend to take it to its logical extremes…my German Shepherds love me and treat me well! They are very devoted to me, and excellent companions! But is that enough to compensate for their inherent lack of human intelligence and sensitivity? No, it’s not.

    I want a man as a companion who is closest as possible to being a match to me: similar spiritual beliefs, similar level of intelligence, similar sensitivity and intuition, similar physical attraction.

    Those things do figure into the equation, too.

    I still see much validity in Rori’s approach, tho, considering that her main audience is women, like me, who have been in and out of unsuccessful relationships. Many of us have been abused in one way or another. So it is a fresh breath of air to look at how I’M treated rather than how I view the man.

    I’ve been attracted to handsome hunks who were jerks. No more.

  54.  #54Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    The convo went great after he changed the subject.
    I didn’t want to show disinterest too soon, and then he realized himself!
    He wants to meet me. Yay! Score!
    I’m so glad I am now open to more men, and it’s more about the vibe than the looks, although a lot comes through in the pics. What I’m saying is they don’t have to look a certain way.


  55.  #55Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    You sound in a really good space today!
    I loved reading your process with the Cub guy yesterday.


  56.  #56Mel on April 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm


    Your last post reminds me of this song by Norah Jones. I love my pups, and I LOVE this song!

    “Man of the Hour”

  57.  #57Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm


    RE: #54 – Thanks!

  58.  #58Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm


    RE: #55 – Thank you! Pretty song! I am baby-stepping to the right man, someone like Lurker. 🙂

  59.  #59Rusty on April 21, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    @#724 Mel

    OK, Mel, I am also glad that you asked for the advice of us guys, and Lurker gave some great advice in some areas, but as he said, we will disagree at times. Let me say first that your situation sounds exactly like me and my wife, few years ago. So I was your husband. I think this gives me a bit of insight into this. But, first let me reinforce a couple of points that Lurker made that I totally agree with. And if he came up with this without having been in mine, and your husband’s situation, he is brilliant.

    First, he is 100% right about it being about being tired from work. This was the case with me, and I understand you feeling confused and feeling like some of it doesn’t make sense. Like why he is interested in masturbating in the shower, but not interested in having sex with you. Obviously he isn’t so tired that he can’t take care of his own needs, right? I’ll get to that later.

    2nd, Lurker is right that your hubby is not very likely to be happy with the present situation either. And last, he is right about the morning sex. I found myself wanting more sex in the mornings, especially on the weekends. Why? I had more energy; I was rested. My wife wanted it at night, even on the weekends. And, even though she is very beautiful, she is her own worst critic. That irritates me. But, for this reason, she wanted it at night after dark. That didn’t work for me because once again, I was now stressed out and tired from getting to the honey-do list or some other family function in or out of the house.

    So here’s the deal. He is tired, and feels weighed down. For we men, sex isn’t always as relaxing as we would like it. We are responsible for not only our orgasm, but yours too. And face it, you women hate wham bam thank you ma’am sex, especially if it is all the time. But that is what he needs. He would love to have sex, but he does NOT want to be responsible for your pleasure. This makes sex a chore. And at this point, he is “all chored out”.

    So, yes, he does want you to say, “I want to have sex.” Why is this so important? You see, if you initiate it, he feels less responsible for your pleasure. If you just do the come hither stuff, and he has to initiate it, he recognizes the fact that you are still…”expecting it to go a certain way.”

    By this, I mean that you want a man’s best. You want him to go way out of his way to get you in the mood, and extend out the love making and that is the last thing he wants. You know how it goes. You may have all those things on your mind and while you want sex, you want slow cooker sex…at least most of the time. He doesn’t have the energy for that, mentally as well as physically. He wants and needs microwave sex at the time, which is why he masturbates in the shower. He has nobody to worry about disappointing with his performance and it doesn’t have to take an hour. 10 minutes and he is done if that is what he wants. And here’s the thing, it’s actually therapeutic for him in this situation because it de-stresses him. It makes it easier to relax for the rest of the day, or just before going to bed.

    A real life example here is that I can make my wife cum really fast by going down on her. So that is what I was doing. It left her wanting…and made me want sex even less because I am sitting there thinking, “Screw you…do you know how many women out there who would just be happy to have some guy do that for them and you need to add one more complaint to my day, one more crappy demand, one more criticism of me, as if I am not getting enough of that already at work?”

    I felt like, hey, at least I am making sure you cum before I get to the part where I worry about myself. But see, she wanted long drawn out sex. She wanted me to extend it out, which is the last thing I wanted.

    Bedtime often became a sexual stand off when she would do the thing, like you, where she would get dressed up in something sexy, and put Poision perfume on which is my favorite. I would go to bed and lay there and wait for her to initiate, and if she didn’t after a certain amount of time, I would just roll over and go to sleep, something that didn’t take me long to do with as exhausted as I was. I did this mostly because she would give little signals of disapproval when I wasn’t doing what she wanted. SORRY, I am not in the Burger King mode. You don’t get it your way because I am just as happy to roll over and go to sleep at this point.

    So…I can’t even stress this enough. DO NOT give one single signal of displeasure. It will be a total mood killer for him. He is worn out from demands at work and one more demand is the last thing he wants.

    Now, I know what some women will say. “Hey, my day is no picnic either…I have demands, etc…” Cool, so don’t have sex. Sorry to say this but sex is not an equal thing. As a man, I feel WAY more responsible for a good performance. Like it or not this IS true. For women, it’s a question of whether the guy is good in bed. For men it’s a question of whether she will put out. We ARE going to enjoy ourselves…normally.

    But the performance aspect is still on us. And that does weigh on our mind, and at this time, it appears to be too much for your husband. Think of it like this. You’ve had the worst week you can imagine and have no interest in sex, but if your husband “seduces” you, gets you in the mood, you may become interested enough to have sex. So in this instance, doing the normal thins isn’t enough. Yes, he really does want and NEED you to take the lead beginning to end. This way you are responsible for your own pleasure, not him.

    As for the computer issue, the porn falls under the same category as the masturbation in the shower. It is no stress no responsibility sexual fun. Keep in mind that when men look at porn, it isn’t because they want that other woman and thus you aren’t enough for them. You have zero to do with it. What attracts men to it the most is that they can focus on their own pleasure. They can focus on their own fantasies. There are no performance issues, no pressure and no stress.

    If he is playing computer games, I did that, and it feeds many psychological needs for a man. First there is camaraderie if it is a team oriented online game. Second, these games are designed to feed those needs. You can hunt, wage war, build cities, cast spells, etc… You earn things, etc.. but for the most part, they are designed for you to succeed even if you have to struggle a bit. This can stroke his ego if the boss has been riding him and tearing down his ego a bit. There is a good side to them, but the bad side is they eat up a lot of time and are addicting because they do feed many of those psychological needs that men have.

    The best ways to address this, IMHO is plan things out of the house, and invite friends over for movie nights, dinner, etc…

    As for the sex, I would first work on ways to get yourself warmed up so that you can enjoy microwave sex. Kind of a head start. Even thinking about sex during the day will help your mind be in the right place when the time comes. Do more of you on top sex. Wake him up on Saturday and Sunday morning with Oral, and then proceed to the next stage when he is awake, or don’t even wait for him to wake up. Guys aren’t going to feel violated by your doing this like you might if a guy did it to you.

  60.  #60Dorothea on April 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    This is a great post.
    What ARE the four rules? I lost my ebook password and I can’t remember.

    I am a bad siren. A bad partner. I am bad drama, not good drama. My inner drama queen is confused. I’m going to work on me A LOT.

  61.  #61Mel on April 21, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Thanks Rusty! I really appreciate your insight. I have a few follow up questions though…

    1. Sometimes I am the one initiating. For example, while snuggling, I night grab his butt or eh-hem something else. He will actually move my hand away. To me this is the worst rejection. Even more so than him just not noticing my sexy outfit. What should I do in this instance?

    2. I have told him that sometimes I like quickies too. Seriously, at this point ANY sex would do! But what do you do when his response to “Would you like a quickie?” is “Maybe later…” but then later never comes?

    3. Morning sex… on the weekends this is my best shot. But on the weekdays he treasures his precious sleep.

    4. Masturbating- Would he not have a little more desire if he didn’t masturbate in the shower all the time? I mean isn’t a little sexual tension what gets you in the mood sometimes. I understand what you are saying here, but it hurts to know that my husband just CHOSE to leave me in bed (ready and willing) to go take care of himself.

    At this point I think what hurts the most is that I think he knows how much I want to be with him and how important a sexual relationship is to me, but he doesn’t seem to care. For example, one of the last times, he complained about the brand of condoms we had. I said well… let’s get some different ones then. Maybe if we went to a sex shop, there might be more variety and you can find something you like better. He said “that’s okay.” but now it’s been over a month and of course, he hasn’t purchased anything different (despite going to the drugstore numerous times to get other things). Sex just isn’t a priority for him AT ALL!

    For a while I was convinced he was cheating on me… sometimes I’m still fearful that that might be the reason. I want to be patient with him, but he needs to make some effort in this area.

    I don’t even know how to bring it up without him getting instantly angry. I feel like I’ve tried everything!

    Lurker suggested a vibrating toy… but would that not be emasculating to find one of those suddenly appear in your wife’s drawer?

  62.  #62Dorothea on April 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    also, i will probably be posting here a lot more to avoid leaning forward. i think leaning forward is causing 90% of my relationship problems. always has, always will.

  63.  #63Mel on April 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Oh… and Rusty,

    You said that this situation was “you and your wife” a couple years ago. If you don’t mind me asking, how did this turn around?

  64.  #64Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    I think that this article makes a very good point about any relationships a person would develop in life, and if a woman (or man) is not being treated with respect, honesty, and consideration she/he should leave immediately before becoming too invested. I fully support women in walking away from any type of abuse or mistreatment.

    I also support keeping options open while dating, but to tell a woman to be okay with sleeping with several men for the pure satisfaction (as men do) I think may be crossing the line. Honestly, I dont fall for this “men have more problems with monogamy and higher sex drive” nonsense because I do know many women, including myself, who have very intense libidoes. Men and women should be held to the same moral standards and the continued belief in this double standard is what is ruining relationships worldwide. Its just a good indicator of your moral values and if a man treated me in this fashion, I would consider him to be a player (if he seemed dishonest) and a person that valued an opened relationship if he was very straightforward. I would not think that he wanted a woman to marry and be faithful to for the rest of his life.

    I mean ladies (and gents) seriously…..if a man told you something like this and said he wanted to “try you out” to see if you could fit the bill to be his wife….how would you feel? Not very special I am sure. Trust me I love passion, hot sex, and feel that people should be free to openly express their sexuality. At the same time, when looking for a commitment, I think this is a dangerous game to play. If a male friend of mine told me a woman said something like this to him….I would advise him to seriously consider how faithful she may be in the long run and possibly that she could be rather manipulative.

    Taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and walking away when you see red flags and no signs of commitment are wonderful. Women enjoying themselves sexually when they are single and simply mingling is wonderful. But I think both men and women should conduct themselves in a more serious manner when settling down. Honestly, a man knows what he wants from you when meeting you (many have told me this) and playing these types of games can bring out jealousy and other dangerous emotions. If there is no commitment, and you are looking for one, the best thing to do is simply walk.

  65.  #65Scarlet on April 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Just my few cents regarding Rusty’s comment about a woman downplaying her flaws.

    What I may find to be a “flaw”, my partner may not. I am a whole person and not just made up of bits and pieces here and there. Personally I want a man who is going to love all of me and find beauty even in those parts that I am not just yet. I am working on accepting all of me and loving all of me. I happen to think that I have small boobs but my guy tells me that he loves them without me ever having to ask. So should I start wearing turtle necks to hide them even further? I certainly wouldn’t do that.

    The other day I was walking by the beach and it gave my hair a lot of volume. A little more than I would have liked. And I could have put my hair up in a bun and hide but I chose to stand tall and embrace it. And a male friend of mine just randomly said to me “wow your hair looks really nice today. I think I like it better this way.” And would I have gotten that compliment and felt absolutely amazing about myself if I had put my hair up? Probably not.

    So I don’t plan on downplaying myself because we are here to learn how to open up ourselves instead 🙂

  66.  #66Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @ Mel

    Honestly Mel I think you have the right idea that your husband is not interested in sex with you and is possibly cheating. Maybe you should focus more on yourself (as Rori would probably suggest) and satisfy yourself. If you do think he is cheating….would you divorce him and move on? If you would…maybe you should take measures in hiring a private detective so you can get the final answer and move on to someone else.

    I would not take Rusty’s advise at all. SORRY! A man being more concerned with satisfying himself in the shower than pleasing you in bed is not acceptable to me and is a good indicator of how selfish he is in your relationship. Sex is another chore becasue he has to think of your pleasure??? PLEASE!!!!!! You need to learn how to like microwave sex??? NO!!! Trust me men pride themselves on how good they can make a woman cum (sometimes too prideful) and it makes them feel even more like a man and gives them a tremendous orgasm! Porn addicts and the like do not make good lovers because they are SELFISH. Why be with someone like this?

    I have been in these shoes before and heard the excuses that he is too busy and tired, and then he would masturbate to satisfy himself. Needless to say, I am no longer with him, he got his ex girlfriend pregnant again (HINT!), and from what I have heard is still alone and not that happy. Men love sex and if pleasing you is a chore….then maybe that is a good clue of how he views you.

  67.  #67Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @ Scarlett
    You have the right idea. Dont downplay yourself because he will eventually downplay your status in his life.

  68.  #68Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    @ Scarlett
    You are exactly right!!! If you downplay anything about yourself he will surely downplay your status and position in his life!!

  69.  #69Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Just had the last call of this series of the teleclass with Rori. I really cannot recommend it enough. She has another one starting next week I believe.

    I was worried that I wouldn’t get enough personal time with her but that wasn’t the case at all. I had plenty of time plus all of what she said to the other women applied as well.

    I really liked how a common theme came out of all of our different stories. We are all in different places in our relationships yet the tools and discussions really applied to all of us.

    I feel good about my relationship. My concern was that I could feel myself pushing him away. And not because of what he was doing, he treats me very very well, but because of my own limiting beliefs and self-destructive patterns.

    Today we talked about how now that I am really opening my heart, and feeling my feelings, and focusing more on my purpose, I feel really up and down. I feel like I am on a roller coaster with my emotions.

    It was almost easier when I didn’t talk about my feelings or notice them.

    But that’s not really true. It wasn’t easier.

    But really feeling feelings brings up a lot of stuff. Rori said when we are feeling good is when the negative voices come in really strong. We are not used to feeling good and we pull ourselves back down.

    What she said that actually helped me the most was one of her most basic tools, riffing. Specifically the part about loving my feelings.

    I feel overwhelmed.
    I love that I feel overwhelmed.

    That is a huge meditation right there!

    Can I really love that I feel overwhelmed? Well a part of me can.

    So I am getting back to the basics. I am committing to doing riffing (in the specific way Rori describes) for a week. I’m gonna to do it whenever I feel out of balance.

    After a week, I will reevaluate and see how I feel.

  70.  #70Mel on April 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Re: 65 Mariposa0825


  71.  #71islandgirl on April 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    I’m not really sure how to ask this without sounding harsh, but it occured to me and I have to ask. Mariposa0825, are you a plant or someone trying to cause strife on this board?
    If not, I apologize, but I feel rather upset and icky about your posts of the last couple of days. The posts remind me of posts by “trolls” I have come across on other message boards.

  72.  #72Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 2:25 pm


    RE: #58 – Thank you so much for being so candid with us!! Wow, that is one of the best lessons I ever had in sex education! I have wondered so much what is going on in a man’s head surrounding sex! You answered so many questions I have carried for years! I feel so much better equipped to be sensitive to a man sexually! Thank you again!

  73.  #73Christine on April 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Hi Rori,

    This post is so moving and the information in it is so subtle and really digs into a truth that is usually so hard to see. It can take quite a while to really grasp this information! I really feel this shift resonating with me. And the beauty of it is that you can follow these guidelines no matter where you are, whether you are in a relationship or not! Such a valuable insight.


  74.  #74Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm


    RE: #65 – I want to be sensitive to a man’s needs and wants, just as I want him to be sensitive to my needs and wants.

    For me, I wouldn’t want microwave sex (and I love his terms!! LOL!) ALL the time. But hey, being tired from life’s demands is a reality! I heard it on the radio just today that work demands interfere with a good sex life. Or did I read that on here? Anyway, I have talked in depth about sex with Kenny, my exhusband, and we BOTH agreed that sometimes we would like soft, slow, romantic sex that takes all night, and other times we would like to fu(ck visciously like wild animals!

    If I were married and my man came home obviously tired, I would find joy in catering to HIS needs: giving him a massage, listening, massaging him some more, and letting him make love to me however he felt to relieve stress of a particularly stressful day.

    If this became par for the course? Then it would be an issue. I feel deeply grateful to Rusty to be so candid about what REALLY goes thru a man’s mind to cause those issues that always mystified me.

    If I help a man destress by joining him in bunny rabbit sex for five minutes, then, like Rusty said, he will feel loved, understood, and cared for, and feel all the more like being romantic the next day, when he’s rested!

  75.  #75Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm


    RE: #66 – Excellent! I feel happy for you! I love Rori! I hope I can take one soon…working on manifesting abundance, so I can! 🙂

  76.  #76Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    I hate long drawn out girly sex!!! And I used to “reward” my ex with songs….once he got really lucky and three dang Led Zepplin songs came on in a row….must’ve been 30 minutes of bj!

    I like raw passionate powerful….

    but I digress.

    I’m sticking my neck out here and like Rori would say – so sorry!! –

    but I totally had the same thoughts Mariposa had about Mel’s husband.

    It’s all good and if Rusty makes sense to you Mel (Hi, Rusty) and it resonates with your “gut”….great.

    What resonated with my gut is I’d be totally in uh oh territory with the various actions you’ve described, and getting myself a car as soon as I got the job.

    So – all around – thank you everyone for your honesty! and I’m hearing it all as desiring to want to help!

  77.  #77Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    And Mel, I just saw your ouch and I agree it’s not the feelingest of ways to say it….

    I know for me once in massage school we were taught touch never lies. I believe you will feel the truth in his touch.

    And I’m glad you’re in a good place no matter what life throws at cha!



  78.  #78Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Christine….love your post! well said and brava!

  79.  #79Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Ok. Island girl…please!!! Am I a plant, what does that mean? What is wrong with what I said? Mel said that her husband is not having sex with her, even when she initiates it, to the point that she is on a blog asking a guy for advice, and even when she tried to tell him that she likes “quickies” sometimes, and I do as well, he still didnt go for it. What do you think is going on? She even stated herself she thinks he may be cheating on her. Im wrong to tell her to possibly hire a private investigator and find out the truth? I remind you of “trolls” on messge boards? Im causing strife by stating an opinion (even though I call no one names?) Seems like you are causing strife by making these comments that you fail to back up. Won’t apologize about either of my posts (I saw the other comment you made about the previous article) because I have been involved in both situations personally and have seen the truth behind them.

  80.  #80Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    @ Brenda…Please understand that I am not saying men have no reason to refuse sex. Stress has the capability of ruining the best sex drive in men and women. Yes, when a man is working hard a woman should do what she can to minimize his stress at home and your suggestions sound great. Quickies can most times be the best sex ever!!! Trust me!!! Nothing wrong with any of that.

    What my comment was about was Mel being told that her husband is viewing sex with her as a chore because he has to perfom to please her. I do not believe this to be true. As I stated, men love to know that they can please a woman in bed and make her cum, it makes them feel like powerful men. Obviously, he has a sex drive since he is masturbating in the shower and watching porn. Yet, when it comes to her pleasure, he is not interested. To me, that is SELFISH and inconsiderate of her feelings. As I stated, I have been with someone similar to him before and the situation did not go well.

    @Jacqueline….Thank you for agreeing. I mean to hurt no one feelings, and I do not know for certain what is going on, but it sounds suspicious to me. I did not think the advice was good simply because when I read it, it seemed to suggest that her needs were to him another demand/chore and I dont believe her feeling that way will be uplifting to her spirit. Also, show no signs of disapproval in what he is doing at all? I do not agree with that comment one bit!!! If she doesnt like what he is doing she should speak up, but in the right way so she doesnt just kill his ego. As Rori may say….feeling messages may be in order.

  81.  #81Brenda on April 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    When Rusty talks about disapproval in the bedroom, I think he’s talking about that negative vibe women tend to take on, like there’s always an issue. I like Rori’s and Christian Carter’s wording in their CD programs when they say, “What will INSPIRE your man to connect/be romantic/have sex/what-have-you?”

    I can say, “How come you never want to have sex anymore??” and a man will feel pulled on and drained. Or I can say, “You know what I love, love, love??!!”


    “Oooh, I just LOVE it when you do this to me….”

    “What?! Tell me!”

    “I just love it when we are all cuddly and you start caressing me softly. I get soooo aroused!”

    Big difference. In the first example, a man would not feel inspired to have sex. He’d feel turned off, like Rusty said, like, “Oh, great, here’s one more chore, and to top it off, I’m apparently not doing it well enough to please.” In the second example, he’d feel positive vibes, maybe feel playful, feel loved, and feel happy about going to bed with his lady.

  82.  #82Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Brenda I agree with you. You do have to tell a man ways to please you that gets him excited. Actually, I tried the trick you just suggested months ago when I read one of Rori’s articles and it worked wonders. Put my own little spin on it…..and I can honestly say that I have had the best sex of my life within the past year. 🙂

  83.  #83Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Mariposa – Little butterfly. I think it’s a language thing – a plant would be someone that someone else asked or sent here to purposefully cause disagreement. You’re not a plant, mi entiendo? You are saying what you see is true, but it’s so bluntly honest it’s freaking people out.

    It’s a line here that I haven’t figured out how to balance on. You can be honest, or you can be nice, but you can’t always be both. And if you’re not nice, you get a lot of flack…es una problema aqui si sus palabras no esta muy amable, si? pero es bien que usted decir qual is su pienses veridad. Las hentes quierres aveces mejor palabras bonitas que la verdad palabras tal vez?

    I know all that’s not spelled right, but don’t know how to define flak.

    Just keep being here Mari and you’ll do fine!


  84.  #84Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    I love practicing writing Spanish! Las hentes quiren….

  85.  #85Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Brenda: I love Rori too. Working with her in person feels really amazing. Can I suggest that you try talking with her to see if you can make some kind of arrangement?

    You have some great skills you could trade like editing, yes? Perhaps that is exactly what she needs right now. Abundance comes in many forms…I’m just sayin 🙂

  86.  #86Jeannette's story on April 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Rori, I have prayed for love and my friend Steve, who I dated when I was 16 came back after 40 years….Three months later he was diagnosed with liver cancer. Now they are trying to keep it from spreading so he may be eligible for a liver transplant. He is low income from playing in bands all his life and working in stores. He proposed to me last Sept. and I said yes. Well, if we marry then he will lose his medicaid which pays for his prescriptions. He is also insulin dependent diabetic. Rori, I PRAYED for someone to love me which he does but it’s still looking like I will be left alone again. Sometimes I think this world is very cruel. I am down and depressed at the moment. I want to hear what you have to say about this. I was not running from love when Steve showed up, I wanted love with ALL OF MY HEART!! I have been unmarried 11 years now and am very lonely and so ready to be with someone.

  87.  #87islandgirl on April 21, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Mariposa0825 – I stated in my post that I apologize if it is untrue, but that is how your posts felt to me. I feel myself triggered when I read your posts because the style and tone has been far too similar to posts I have come across in other places that were written by people as I described. The tone in your post to me did not really do anything to help this situation, but I will choose to believe that you are just being triggered and do not have any ill intent.
    I feel you are being triggered by situations other people are posting and reacting harshly due to situations in your past. I’m sorry you have had such hurtful things happen in your past, but not all situations are the same.
    Starting off a post with “Honestly Mel I think you have the right idea that your husband is not interested in sex with you and is possibly cheating” does not feel like a caring or helpful way to interact. As for the previous post (which I do not want to get into), I still feel that you misheard/misread what was being said and seem to have substituted situations from your past into what you read here.
    I do agree with Rusty. He is also a man, so as far as who may understand what a man is thinking – I would go with him. It makes perfect sense to me that if a man feels a sense of responsibility to ‘satisfy’ his wife, and he knows he is too exhausted to really be up to the task – he just wouldn’t get started at all. As you said, “men love to know that they can please a woman in bed and make her cum” – if he feels he cannot do so at that point, why would he try? It does not mean he doesn’t have any sex drive or that he doesn’t love or desire his wife. It takes a lot less energy to take care of himself in the shower than to make love to his wife. It is unfortunate, but it does make sense.

  88.  #88Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm


    Entiendo todas lo que me dice! Mucho amor por su verdad. But I did not believe my words were all that harsh at all! I do not understand why someone would get upset. I said Im not certain about what happened, stated that I too have been victim to something like this, and just suggested that she not take the advice given and probably hire a private detective to find out the truth.

    Its just confusing to me how Islandgirl is getting upset and referring to me as a “troll” but these people are saying that “I believe my husband may be cheating on me” and Im wrong to say that it may be the case cause the same happened to me? Why?

    Her other upset was about me commenting on another article after one lady posted about how she still continued to see her ex even after he got engaged and she did not feel responsible for the problems in his relationship since he is an adult. I simply stated that she had no consideration for how this was affecting his ex fiance and that I have found myself in the same cross as the ex fiance (with the same man mentioned above) and that I believe ppl like her like to continue to have a hold on the ex and not want him to move on. I was simply telling Martine that the guy I was with was lying about his connection with her, and that once put to the test of having a relationship with her it failed. Islandgirl got upset and angry at my comment. Why? You don’t want me to express my opinion and hurt at that type of situation? Seems to me like she doesnt like the truth.

    Oh by the way….Im not spanish either. Creole.

  89.  #89islandgirl on April 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Brenda #78 I think (oops! 😉 ) you have it! 🙂

  90.  #90Mel on April 21, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    78: Thanks Brenda for that. This is exactly what I’m hoping to learn.

    I appreciate all opinions. I do think you can be honest AND nice though. I come here to learn so it’s good to hear both sides. I can take it.

    While I have fears around cheating, I really don’t think it is true in this case. They are just “gremlins” coming down to rain on my parade. Sometimes when things are going well that’s when my anxiety bugs me the most. Like I don’t deserve to be happy. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise.

    He is stepping up in many ways. Sex is still an issue for us, but I think that too can turn around. I was just hoping for some male perspective since my husband hasn’t been too forthcoming with any info in this regard.

  91.  #91KS on April 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Well this post really hit home in a most painful way! I think I can’t seem to get toxic man outta my head and my heart because I soooooooo miss the passion. It was intense, earth shattering, body shaking crazy. Anywhere, anyway….it was ALWAYS hot! And that’s REALLY f’ed up cuz he’s just not a good, decent person otherwise. But I miss that passion with every fiber of my being.

    Now the ex who is here has not always been very good to me either. But he seems to have changed…and he has mostly ALWAYS “been there”. But the passion has been gone for years.

    So WTH do I do with this ladies??????

    Can I be with someone for the rest of my life that I feel no passion or desire for? That thought feels bad.

  92.  #92Mariposa0825 on April 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    @ Islandgirl….Im not reacting to situations in my past (Im over it and seeing someone else) or being triggered…Im simply stating the truth. When you have actually been involved in the situation, you know how to spot it better. As I said before, I do not know the truth with Mel, which is why I suggested she hire a private detective to find out the truth so she can clear the air and remove the worry. But it sounds suspicious to me and obviously to her.

    That is a helpful suggestion to someone suffering that problem. Just like suggesting a woman move on from a man who is still obviously into his ex and the ex is constantly seeking his attention. You seem like the one being triggered, not me.

  93.  #93Dorothea on April 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    hey hey:) can someone remind me of the 4 rori rules please:):):)

  94.  #94Elizabeth on April 21, 2011 at 4:24 pm


    I don’t know, I guess at some point we have to make a conscious decision and commitment about whether we want to eat chocolate cake all the time (not good for us), or eat the good, healthy, things that we may have to develop a taste for to find them sublime and delicious, (with a little decadence thrown in, of course) 🙂

    It’s like getting off crack, what can I say?

    So maybe the ex that seems to be stepping up now isn’t the right one yet. But I wouldn’t hold on to the one that provides all the passion and doesn’t treat you well otherwise.

    Yes, we can have it all.




  95.  #95Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Four rules for respecting the masculine partner
    Don’t try to control your partner
    Don’t try to control the outcome
    Stop yourself before you criticize, judge, advise, warn, coax, ask the innocent question or trey to change him.
    Learn to take no for an answer.

  96.  #96RiverGirl on April 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Well, I did it! Following on from my questions on the previous thread, I let texting guy know that I didn’t feel like texting all the time.

    After the usual hellos and a few jokes to and fro, I sent this “It always feels great to hear from you and I love the banter but I don’t feel like texting all the time. What do you think?”

    I haven’t heard back from him (it was very late when I sent). I hope I hear from him soon, but I’m not worried. I feel so much lighter and he will do what he wants to do.

  97.  #97Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Oh Jeannette

  98.  #98Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 5:24 pm


    Rori was just talking about this on the teleclass. She was saying something like…we have to rewire what we find attractive.

    Elizabeth’s analogy is great. Once we start eating healthy foods, we start to really appreciate them. But initially we have to push through our patterns. We have to want to be healthy more than we want the rush that we get from the sugar (or passion).

    But there has to be balance. We’re probably not going to feel satisfied if we are eating tasteless bland food. We have to find a way to make it appealing to us.

    She also said to try and focus on a least one thing that you find physically attractive about a guy that is treating you well but you don’t feel passion about. Just focus on that one thing. Eventually more will come.

    Also, as you know, passion doesn’t sustain a relationship. Really a more solid stable love is what keeps a relationship going long term.

    That passion can be expressed in a more sustainable way by expressing our purpose on the planet.

    This is just a hypothesis…but maybe

    passion if for pursuing our purpose
    solid stable love is for having the relationship we want

    of course we want passion in our love life but this balanced passion builds over time and comes from deepened intimacy and knowing that someone is there and helping us to pursue our purpose.

    I’m just kinda brainstorming here. Not totally sure about everything but figuring it out as I go. Does any of it ring true for you?

  99.  #99Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Mariposa, lol…well the name was Spanish, but creole is beautiful too! and my spelling was awful there…so thanks.

    Mel, I want the best for you and I don’t want to hurt you – it was this thing that flashed in my stomach…and I haven’t been cheated on. But I also have that oh my gosh nothing’s gone wrong in like a WEEK problem, too. Me and my bff joke about it. So I’m glad you got all sorts of suggestions and can take every angle into consideration.

    Rivergirl – I haven’t said much cuz I don’t text but I’m very happy to hear you sounding so much better!

    Knocksoftly – I am so sad for you!! I miss that passion too, Elizabeth is wise, and my same best friend just “interpreted” this conversation I had with my guy…and she said still, all in all he doesn’t make you as crazy as Charisma did…

    so for now, maybe just go with the one who doesn’t make you crazy?

    Like she said, I can change my mind – and you can too.

    I think it’s addicting, that high – and like any addicting substance we have detox?

    hugs 2 all!!!


  100.  #100Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm


    “So – all around – thank you everyone for your honesty! and I’m hearing it all as desiring to want to help!”

    wow wow wow! I feel so excited imagining that I might possibly hear this one day.

  101.  #101KS on April 21, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Damn I hate crack! 🙂 Lol

    Thanks Elizabeth, LG & J-Always can count on wise words from y’all.

    But I have to admit….my little girl is pouting cuz she wants some damn “chocolate cake”!

    Ahhhh…the truth just hurts sometimes…..

    This too shall pass…..

  102.  #102Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I read on the Internet that work stress is affecting people’s sex life. Mel only you are in your situation and making up stories will no help in any way is my humble opinion. I felt sad reading some of the responses but Mel it goes to show that our words are powerful. We can magnify our situations and get people to agree with us. I hope the comments did not increase your anxiety in any way. I hope you focus on checking in with your intution for what is happening. I posted something earlier from another coach about the ups and downs of life. Sometimes it seems that we believe life is always going to be a bed of roses. That I believe is not reality. Mel I believe going deep into your own heart will help you identify the truth for you. I have seen tinque suggesting coming back to oneself when there is a disconnect. Regardless of what is going on with him you have to live with you. Rori teaches to learn to take no for answer. This might be an instance where you might have to take no. Recently there were some good days so things are obviously changing. You are both dancing back and forth. Please keep on dancing Mel.

  103.  #103RiverGirl on April 21, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Laughing Goddess @ 95

    “But there has to be balance. We’re probably not going to feel satisfied if we are eating tasteless bland food. We have to find a way to make it appealing to us.

    She also said to try and focus on a least one thing that you find physically attractive about a guy that is treating you well but you don’t feel passion about. Just focus on that one thing. Eventually more will come.

    Also, as you know, passion doesn’t sustain a relationship. Really a more solid stable love is what keeps a relationship going long term.”

    LG, I often hear that advice, and I know that works sometimes, that you can love someone that you didn’t have attraction for in the beginning, but I wonder whether it leads to a fulfilling relationship in the long term (for most people). My sister has said that for years about her husband and is still saying it although she is in the process of splitting up from her husband right now.

    I have read some of Dr Paul’s theories on relationship, and they resonate strongly with me. He is very strong on there needing to be (1) sexual attraction from the start for there to be a lasting and fulfilling relationship. And of course, as you said, passion alone can’t sustain a relationship. There needs to be a good match of personality types and an emotional bond -love and friendship (2) as well as (3) shared values.

    Not saying that it can’t work, just that for most couples, it is far less likely to without sexual attraction being there from the beginning.

  104.  #104tinque on April 21, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    “balanced passion builds over time and comes from deepened intimacy and knowing that someone is there and helping us to pursue our purpose. ”

    This is beautiful Laughing Goddess. I do agree that there has to be some attraction early on, maybe not the go weak at the knees at the first glance kind but something.

    For me there was an interest, but the OMG stuff didn’t happen until after sex and the really, really, really OMG stuff didn’t happen until after I let go of a lot of my stuff. It’s still going on. The passion is probably stronger than in the beginning as well as a deep intimacy and a more solid support.


  105.  #105KS on April 21, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    I mean IDK……Maybe I could be attracted to him again.????? But he’s just so damn FEM ENERGY and to “outgirl” him just feels soooooooooo draining. The 17 years we were married I was a dominearing, control freak in charge of EVERYTHING! He only stepped up when I had a nervous breakdown for the last year we were together and even then he could not handle it all cuz we lost EVERYTHING! I just feel like the dude with him! I mean, I think he feels the energy of me not being fully “in” and he wants to talk about the relationship ALL the time. Since I am leaning back he has no CLUE what to do. I hate that. It feels gross, yucky.

    I think thats another reason why I miss toxic man. Even though he was 15 years younger he was very masculine in sooooo many ways. And as pathetic as it sounds, I had NEVER had that in a man.

  106.  #106RiverGirl on April 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    @96 Thanks Jacqueline! And I’m feeling better!

    @99 Fp, I like what you have written here, about us tending to make up stories. (It seems to be a genetic predisposition in most of us girls!) Took on board what you said to me about that on the last thread.

    I think perhaps one of the lessons here is to learn how to stay out of a man’s head. To stop wondering all the time what he is thinking and why he is acting a certain way. It is useful to do that sometimes but perhaps more useful to just observe the response we are getting from how WE are acting and how WE are thinking.

  107.  #107Darling Ella on April 21, 2011 at 6:10 pm


    U sound like a no nonsense kind of a strong sista…Your tone reminds me of being in church, where when the pastor says something daring and straightforward…someone says…”Alleluia, help somebody”…I feel smiley each time I hear it …

    I once embraced your views and tone…yet, somehow I would repeat the pattern…disappointment after disappointment…and from what I hear, so you’ve had you fair share of disappointments…

    Learning about Rori and working with her material, I found another way…many of us here embrace this “other way”…I feel very curious if you are familiar with Rori’s materials…

    For example, the advice you give Mel is encouraging her to focus on what her husband does or doesn’t do…and do something about it…take a stand…

    My understanding is that Rori wants us to Stop focusing on what he does/says/thinks…but rather shift the focus and energy onto us…

    How does Mel feel?…her answers should NOT include “you” or “he”…but rather “I feel this”, I don’t want this…etc…

    Mel’s focus should be on what makes her feel good;
    she creates a feel good list – immediate feel good list and a long term feel good list…
    she stops asking him for sex, and why he doesn’t have a libido because he already knows what he does and she would be nagging at this point…but rather,
    she expresses her feelings, desires, and…
    she goes out for a simple walk on daily basis, takes a manicure, a new hair cut, hair color, goes to a lounge for some cocktails with girlfriends or alone…
    flirts for goodness sake to the baker …and changes her entire daily routine…

    As a matter fact, if I ever again feel treated by a man like Mel feels treated by her husband right now (I felt the same way with my ex husband), I will take the credit card/preferably his…and I am out…for a minimum of three days…not asking…pack my bags, leave him with the kids…and I am out for some fun or alone time…seriously…
    I would simply leave him a note…”I feel awful…I feel disrespected…I feel unheard…disconnected..I need time alone…” I wouldn’t even say when I return…Divorce costs (financially and emotionally) more these days than a three days getaway …

    Mel takes charge of her life…not by throwing him down the escalator and focusing on negative energy (suspicion of cheating, private investigator, thinking of what he does and why, etc…), but by doing something different and focusing on what makes her feel good without him…and you know what? I bet u a million bucks he would sure notice the change and sure deep down love it…Men love unpredictable behavior from women sometimes…

    Instead of encouraging women to divorce these days, I rather empower women to work on something like this…

    Warm hugs,

  108.  #108Femininepower on April 21, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    RE 103 Excellent reminder RiverGirl

  109.  #109Lilybelle on April 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm


    Darling Ella~



  110.  #110Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    River Girl: “Not saying that it can’t work, just that for most couples, it is far less likely to without sexual attraction being there from the beginning.”

    Hi! Yes I totally agree. There has to be some kind of attraction there. I was assuming KS must have felt it at some time for her husband if she married him.

    I was talking more about the difference between feeling overwhelming chemistry for a man who we know isn’t good for us vs. feeling kind of ho hum about a guy that we feel safe and good around…other than the lack of physical attraction.

    I agree tho, there has to be some kind of spark there.

    With my beloved, I definitely felt attracted to him and he managed to get me in the sack very quickly but I didn’t feel crazysillylosingmyself kind of chemistry for him.

    Know what I mean?

    Thanks for helping me refine that idea.

  111.  #111Mel on April 21, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Darling Ella,
    Thanks for that post!

  112.  #112Mel on April 21, 2011 at 7:27 pm


    I will keep on dancing!

  113.  #113Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Tinque: Yes,, that’s what I was wanting to say. 🙂

  114.  #114Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Knocksoftly – I thought so hard about you and what I could say to you…and I wrote it all down and it came out like a love letter to Rori, in a way. So I sent the link to her. But it’s also a love letter to you. I don’t know which way is best for you, which path is right for you – but I do know why being here was right for me. And I hope you get something out of it – it’s really from my heart to yours!


  115.  #115Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Jaqueline: I feel a desire to clarify my earlier post to you because I don’t want to have a misunderstanding.

    When I read what your post

    ““So – all around – thank you everyone for your honesty! and I’m hearing it all as desiring to want to help!”

    I felt really excited. When I see you make side comments about my efforts to share my truth or help people it feels really bad. Honestly I just avoid reading your posts because it feels so bad hear your criticism.

    Sometimes they slip through though. I saw that you criticized what I said to our lovely Lurker and what I said to Paula over the last few days.

    My intentions were very much to help and neither of them seemed to have a problem with what I said and it felt horrible to be criticized for that.

    I know that I don’t always express myself perfectly and sometimes I lose my cool and get triggered. I am only human after all. But I feel certain that I don’t deserve the amount of criticism I am receiving.

    I feel unsure of why I trigger you so. I don’t want to hang on to grudges from the past. I have had conflict with people on here before and we always work through it.

    It would feel so good to be given the same benefit of the doubt as others are given. That’s why I felt so excited to hear what you said above.

    But then I figured it probably doesn’t apply to me because I seem to be one of your faves to criticize and that felt really bad.

    Maybe I just need to reframe the thought, I dunno.

  116.  #116Lynn on April 21, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    “Wow….. I’m kind of speechless. Do I want someone to love me, really love me, or do I want a man to love? Because, for the most part, that is what I choose, men I love more.”
    I feel the EXACT same way. I LOVE to love. Not only am I this way with men, but also with friends and family. I don’t mean to sound like I’m saying I am the all-mighty, ever-giving amazing person, but what I mean is that I enjoy taking care of others and just being there for others and loving to others. And over the past year or so, reflecting on my last serious relationship and some friendships, I have found that I am the one who is still without that love that I know I want (and deserve) in return. It’s just that the thought of really, truly being open to receive it (before diving in and doling it out first), as Rori is saying here, creates so much anxiety in me sometimes!

  117.  #117RiverGirl on April 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    @ 110
    Yes LG, I like your thinking there.

    And I think we need to stay open to the possibilities, but also protect ourselves when we are faced with feeling overwhelmed by amazing chemistry, we need to say to ourselves something like “Well that’s hot, but I need more. What else have you got for me?” before we get all hormonally bonded.

  118.  #118Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    River girl: re:117

    Ya, I like that. That seems like the way to have our cake and eat it too. In other words, to have the passion we want without settling for poor treatment.

  119.  #119KS on April 21, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    WOW! I am so touched by your concern and love that I am crying. WOW.
    Yes, I have never been able to walk away….not really……not from my family, my husband, toxic man….

    Things actually started to go wrong with my husband pretty early on…deal breaker things….and yet I stayed for 17 freakin years. Wasted my beauty and my youth….all because I could not walk away.

    Heavy stuff…..really think I need to sit with this awhile

    Thanks from the bottom of my heart <3

  120.  #120Laughing Goddess on April 21, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Jaqueline: I do appreciate criticism in the sense that it does show me areas where I can improve. I am all for improving my ideas and the way I communicate. I can see a huge evolution in those areas over the time I’ve been here and I feel really happy and thankful for that.

    I feel resistant to hearing criticism though when it seems like it is coming from someone holding a grudge towards me. I just shut down…for better or worse.

    It feels really bad to be made wrong, especially when I know my intent is to help.

  121.  #121sweetmandm on April 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm


    VERY nice Darling Ella! Eloquent arrangement of reminders and encouragement, also application of the resources provided by Rori! I celebrate all that you stated!


  122.  #122Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    WOW Darling Ella…I LOVED what you wrote for MEL! that felt beautiful and soft and amazing!! your posts have been so “ON” for me lately..lovelovelove it!! 🙂

    LG…just want to say i resonated with post 69…i feel interested in your progress with the riffing and using it to feel more balanced..i’m going to try that! 🙂

    Mel…((hugs)))!! you are doing so great through all of this!! WOW! and congrats on the new job offer 🙂

    i feel off balance…and i’m 4 or 5 days from my period and this ALWAYS happens…things are awesome with hotpilot…but i can feel myself pulling back and putting up walls and feeling whiney wanty and needy 😉 ugggg…at least i know what it is and i don’t have to act on it…

    k riffing now…

    i love my feelings
    i feel scared and that feels like frozen..don’t move…don’t breath dont say or doing anything or it’s going to ruin “it” = EVERYTHING

    i love my scared frozen feelings
    i feel sad and that feels like crawling inside myself and shutting down..it feels dark and kind of safe staying inside myself…ya..that feels good actually…and i’m a cancer=crab…
    now feeling curious if that has any correlation? hmm…i feel smiley thinking how my feelings went where my thoughts did…
    i love my feelings…

  123.  #123Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    KS, I hope it helps you to define what you do want, and reach for that, and maybe shows how long it can take to do so so that you are not hard on yourself. Thank you….hugs!

  124.  #124Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Laughing Goddess I felt you were following me around! and part of a perfect storm of criticism from a triumverate of folks who had an agenda of getting me in line. And I did feel bad when you corrected Lurker – but I no longer know how to talk to you at all. We were friends, then we weren’t…you told me that and how you knew I was confused….then you said I should be a jailer??? which is what Lucy was saying she was and I have no idea what that meant even. So, for me, it’s all come FROM you to me.

    I bristle a little yes. But I’m not on an agenda for you – you feel far different from the person I met here a year ago, and kind of not as happy. I have to guess the happy person was an act. So I don’t know you anymore.

    I’ll be happy to not talk or consider how you want me to talk – like if I thought it felt bad to correct a man who was trying….how would I communicate that – that was in disagreement with you? Because I do want to be able to communicate how I feel.

    What would feel better to you?


  125.  #125Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    FP..hope everything is going ok with your dad…hugs!!
    thank you for posting Tinque’s “how to make a man happy” i loved it!!! way to go Tinque! 🙂

  126.  #126Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm

    uggg…i feel scared of my wanting to overfunction…i want to OVERFUNCTION like nobody’s business!!!!!!!!!!! i don’t really know what i want to overfunction with but i want to DOOOOO something…anything!!! lol i want to row the damn boat..i want to make sure everything is ok i want to be the masculine and make sure his needs are taken care of…
    ugggg!! that feels embarrassing to even write..
    i’ve never really thought of myself as an overfunctioner…

    like how have i done it with all of my other relationships?? i’m sure i’ve overfunctioned…but they still loved me and wanted to be with me…

    i’m feeling all overwhelmed and uncomfortable with doing these “NEW” tools lol…just a different scenario but things are starting to feel “real” and very intimate…

    i feel like i’m back to square one lol…

    this feels good though..

    i had a lot of experience with the tools with just dating
    and now it’s getting super intimate..

    it’s the intimacy part that’s throwing me off…
    i’ve never been so open
    am i open? am i the same?

    i am definitely in the soup right now

    i am different..i have boundaries…i have things i will NOT do no matter what…i feel safe in my boundary crab shell 🙂

  127.  #127Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    today for Jilly

    thank you for working out extra hard today
    thank you for drinking freshly juiced carrot and celery juice to replenish lost electrolytes
    thank you for making a big yummy salad with kale, peppers tomatoes cabbage avocado and sunflower seeds
    thank you for taking a hot silky relaxing bath by candlelight
    thank you for using the blog to riff your feelings instead of keeping them inside
    even though tonight they feel embarrassing

  128.  #128Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    thank you all for listening cause i’m starting to feel better already…phew!!

  129.  #129Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Hi, Jilly…you sound better! I’m so used to you being cheerful I was concerned…and then you picked yourself right on up. I love your cheerful posts, and still love it when they’re not so cheerful – and the overfunctioning one is lol!

  130.  #130turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    Lynn @ 116, I know exactly what you mean. I over function and give give give to my family, my friends, I volunteer for my kids stuff as much as possible, never really giving much thought to what I’ll get in return, or because I want someone to like me, just because I feel like I can give, I have it in me, so I should. This is going to be a big lesson to learn.

    Mel, I agree… ouch. I agree with DE, focus on yourself. Even all this thinking and wondering about him, is leaning forward. It’s still him focused, not you focused. My ex was deployed a lot so I had a few BOBs(battery operated boyfriend) to keep me from going insane while he was gone. I was always faithful, never even flirted with anyone. But, when he was home, and too tired from his day, or would rather look at porn on the computer, it hurt my feelings. I think the bigger picture here is that things have been rough with you two for awhile. He’s admitted he doesn’t know what he wants. I remember my ex would be really wonderful sometimes, and then other times, he didn’t even want to go to church because he said he didn’t want to stay with me because he felt like he had to, for God. Double ouch. I over functioned, tried everything, totally focused on him. BUT, if I had taken a 3 day excursion like DE suggested, it would have definitely shaken things up. While, I wouldn’t have left my kids behind, I have always regretted that I didn’t take time away from that situation, to do something fun, visit family or friends… I was afraid to leave because I thought he wouldn’t miss me, what might he do while I was gone? Would he be at the bar, at a strip club, would he stay out all night? I totally functioned out of fear.

    If I were you, I’d stop asking or trying to initiate. We never had long periods without sex, but I remember a few times where he told me he just wasn’t in the mood, didn’t feel well, etc. and I’d get mad, stomp off to the bathroom with my BOB… and still be miserable. I wish I had an easy answer, but maybe until he decides if he wants to stay in the marriage, he doesn’t want to be intimate because he doesn’t want to feel like it will bring you closer together. Maybe he really doesn’t know what he wants, and he’s trying to distance himself from you.

    Work stress is defintitely one thing, but if he’s not telling you he loves you and reassuring you that it’s just him, not you… I am concerned about that.

    I’m sorry you are going through this.

  131.  #131KS on April 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Awww Jilly…..
    Don’t be embarrassed. You are doing GREAT…..You’re a true Siren. But I know what you mean.
    I feel kinda embarrassed that I am 40 and soooooo clueless about all of this stuff. And I think maybe the true intimacy part is why I cant walk away from bad relationships. They suck but they are familiar. Maybe real intimacy…just the thought of it….scares the hell out of me!

    Believe me dear…you are in a MUCH better place and I know you will stick it out and WIN! 🙂

  132.  #132Jacqueline on April 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    I felt embarassed after I wrote my blog post too! Sometimes, when I really speak from my deepest feelings, I get so shy! It’s scary….and now here we are and it’s common. That helps.

    Goodnite to all, Turquoise that was a great post and well said! I hope something happens for your weekend???

    Everyone, sweet dreams.

  133.  #133Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    Thanks J and KS!! it feels so good to be heard 🙂

    i usually feel cheerful and happy…so today i am like…”what is my problem???”

    i think that i will have these kinds of feelings even when i’m married…Jacqueline..do get these even though you are in a committed relationship?

    KS…your situation with your husband is kind of crazy..i wish there was some kind of spark there for ya…not that this is the same at all/whatsoever…but i think i saw my ex today…the one who sent me to this blog…and it’s brought up a lot of feelings and our chemisty was REALLY good..but the relationship was toxic 🙁

  134.  #134Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    goodnight J…thanks for sharing..it feel better to know we are all in this together

  135.  #135Nikita on April 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    “I think that would make you happy – sleeping with 4 men at the same time! I think that would make me happy. Who wouldn’t want that?”

    Mmm….I think rori might be right.

    At least the FREEDOM to do that. I want to feel ok about that :/

  136.  #136Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    great post Camile…it felt great to read..very open and authentic and caring 🙂

  137.  #137Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Camile…while i was reading it…i totally forgot about my mind games i’ve had going on all day…it felt relieving… 🙂

    i know that’s what Rori wants us to do when she says get our focus OFF of him…

    it just feels so much better!

  138.  #138turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    RE: 88-Mariposa, guess I missed your response to my post about my ex, lol… sounds like I need to go find it. From what I read here, doesn’t sound like you really read my post, or I wasn’t clear. I don’t continue to see my ex to have a hold on him, I have to see him to exchange our kids, and sometimes we do things together with them, like have dinner, or both go to their game. We’ll be a part of each other’s lives forever, not going to stop spending time with him because he met someone. My parents are divorced, both remarried, and when we get together for holidays, everyone comes. Both sets of parents, even to each others homes. It’s best for our family. I’m hoping my ex and I will not just be civil, but can maintain a friendship. It’s blurry now for sure, I think he’s sabatoging his relationship, but that is HIS choice.

    I don’t feel responsible for his relationship with his finace, because it has nothing to do with me. If they are having problems, that is on THEM. I do want him to be happy, but from the choices I’ve seen him make, like kissing me, or bringing up our sex life, I don’t think he’s vested enough in that relationship. They both have facebook pages though, and arent’ friends on there. He added me about a month ago, but they aren’t friends. Does that sound like a good relationship? You are planning to get married, but aren’t friends on facebook anymore? They were at one point.

    I do feel bad for her, but it’s not my place to say anything. I doubt she’d believe me, and I will not bring that kind of drama onto my children. They do spend time with her, and they are the biggest reminder possible to her of me, so it’s hard enough I’m sure.

    I am not persuing a relationship with my ex, I’m not initiating anything, and I’ve told him to stop, that it’s not good for any of us. But, it’s been almost 6 years, and I don’t think he’s anymore willing to stop now, than he was 6 years ago. When he was here last week to get the girls, be was extremely flirty. Am I mean to him about it? No. Does it make me uncomfortable, sometimes.. and I’ll be honest with him, it’s hard for me to move on, because I stillc are about him, and he’s not helping the situation. I like it a lot better when we get along than when we fight though, and it pretty much is one way or the other, not a lot of grey there.
    My point in posting this very personal part of my life, was not to be criticized, even though I expected it. It was to give the perspective of the ex who he isn’t willing to completely separate from, to say, that if you are the new person in this situation, don’t ignore your intuition.

  139.  #139Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    i do the tools because it makes me feel better

    i have 2 very masculine energy girlfriends and they’ve both found their prince charmings…so what gives?? and they have great marriages (both just recently married)

    so i think to myself…if i overfunction a teeny tiny bit..it should be ok right? lol

    ok i should probably get to bed..i’m just rambling now

  140.  #140turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Thanks Jilly 🙂

    Glad you are working through your thoughts! It’s very hard to chance habits and behaviors. I’m curious to see if I actually like one of these guys this weekend, if I’ll be able to keep things in perspective. Have I learned enough here the past month to at least not over function? We shall see! 🙂 You are doing so great. You are my role model!!! You know what this reminds me of though, when they pull back, don’t call as much… maybe they are thinking about all these things too? Timing seems about right, two months in. What do you think?

    Going out to dinner with blackjack tomorrow night. Not sure if I’ll see Mike or not, don’t have a fun name for him yet or not. Probably will meet for a drink, but I’ll be out with friends. It’s nice he’s from my small town, doesn’t have to be a big deal.

  141.  #141turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Jilly, hot pilot seems awesome, but you are at the 2 month point, this is usually crucial for me. I’d try not to overfunction, but to be honest and give yourself a little room, to experiment with giving. What do you have in mind? Want to make him a special dessert or send him a card, or are you thinking of buying him a present or telling him you love him?

    If you do anything, I’d start small 🙂

  142.  #142Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Mike’s the one that you cancelled on but had some great phone conversations last weekend right?

    yes…i’m not going to overfunction lol i just want to…and the thing is…he isn’t even pulling away…he called me twice today..cooked dinner last night and we went to a movie and he’s super cuddly and touchy feely..we had amazing sex the night before (yes it is getting better and better ;)…everything is going great…

    i kind of wonder if maybe i’m bracing myself for him to pull away?? even if it’s just for a little bit..but with his work we have time apart anyway..

    do i sound like i’m all in my head or what??? lol

  143.  #143Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    i’m soo glad you are here right now!!

    i see myself overfunctioning…like making it easy for him..

    i posted the other day…he offered to make dinner and i was almost about to be like…

    “OK ya..i can bring this or that and this…”

    and tomorrow he invited me to stay at his place and then he said or would you rather we stay at yours? and i said i prefer mine but we can see..

    i’m just nervous that i’m going to start making it too easy…does that make sense..actually i think that’s what you posted…”you have it in you to give..so you do” or something like that..totally resonated with that

  144.  #144KS on April 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Relationship with my husband is crazy? Ummmm…..yep. Understatement of the year girlfriend! Rofl…..:)

    Just to clarify for anyone who isnt familiar

    With husband for 17 years….seperated when I FINALLY left…….husband went home to foreign country………..Met & dated toxic man for almost a year………Havent talked to him since early Jan (we broke up in late Sept)………..husband called & said he wanted to come back to the States to be close to our daughter…….asked if he could stay with me while looking for a job………..gets here and wants to try again………..

    I think I should have been a nun!!!!!!!!!!!

  145.  #145Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    ya maybe it’s because i’m at the 2 month mark and i’m bracing myself for it to go bad??

    that feels sad to say/think/feel 🙁

    i can’t control the outcome…

    we have plans to go to my brother’s for dinner tomorrow and part of me wants to cancel just to give us more space…

    he’s not asking for space but i feel uncomfortable and nervous…so if i give him space then that will prevent him from taking it on his own time table…lol

    oh man!! seriously…that’s what it is..

    it’s me saying…oh ya?! here’s some space so that it’s my idea and i don’t have to feel hurt about it if he ever did that…

    thanks Camile…he is awesome

  146.  #146Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    KS…yep sounds crazy to me lol

    but you sound really good right now…you feel happy to me..from here 🙂

  147.  #147KS on April 21, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Not happy….but slowly makin progress and working on it. I’m just a goofball and will laugh or find humor in most anything.


    Just keep postin Jilly. No pressure or anything….but you really are showing me how to do this.

    I am very analytical and like step-by-step instructions so some of this feels like it takes FOREVER for me to get it.

    If you would not mind sharing what are some of the first things you did to get over the ex that brought you here and propell you forward?

  148.  #148Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    i just feel hormonal…that’s what it comes down to…brace myself to be with myself for the next 4 days

    the only time i ever remember overfunctioning in a relationship was with the man who brought me here..

    he was unemployed and i wanted to go skiing so he said ok but you have to pay for my ticket then…

    and i did!!! and everything seemed to change from that day forward…

    i made things really easy for him…too easy..

    that’s what i’m afraid of

    i’m also afraid of being seen as “too high maintenance”

    that’s the frozen scared feeling…

    either way i go is not good…

    that feels bad

    k i need to practice some meditation tools..

    wow…look at me go tonight!! talk about telling the world how i feel 🙂

  149.  #149islandgirl on April 21, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    turquoise3 -138 – I thought your post was quite clear. 🙂

  150.  #150Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    KS…i started dating like crazy and i had 2 dating site profiles…

    i was across the country when we broke up…he just stopped talking to me…i’ve never experienced that in my whole life!! i went to work in NC for 3 months and 2 weeks in it ended…but i have to admit i did all the wrong things too..but i had 2 1/2 months of not being home to meet a really hot black guy and have a love affair…that always helps 😉

    but when i got home it was hard…i still have a soft spot for him…and we only dated for 4 months…i guess the biggest thing for me is the belief that there was someone better out there for me..i never stopped thinking/believing that

  151.  #151Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    So, Yeah I was an overfunctioning type, Pre Rori. I have learned so much about myself through taking care of me and opening my eyes to the world around me. Using these tools has helped me realize crumbs are for suckers and thats not me. It never was me but I still allowed it to happen. I am a prize to be won and right now I do not mind being alone. Sure I miss him, he intoxicates my mind, but I have bigger fish to fry. Somewhere out there ladies I do believe what Rori said and that is there is nothing you can say or do to a man that loves you to push him away forever. Within reason of course but I really believe there is a man or woman out there for everyone to enhance your quality of life. We do not need anythihng but self love and resapect, if we keep those boundaries weeding out toxic men becomes so much easier. I love you sirens here and Rusty and Lurker, you help put things into prospective. Thank you xoxoxo

  152.  #152turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Jilly, it’s probably a great thing he travels and you get some forced downtime. When my ex and I were still together and he’d go away for drill or training, it would always put things in perspective and give us a chance to miss each other. We used to joke we needed a duplex, we’d each live in half and just visit each other. Wasn’t that we didnt’ love each other, just couldn’t live together. 🙂 You’ll be fine 🙂 and he might like a little over functioning. I know my boyfriend Dan loved it that when we’d have parties at his house, he did most of the setting up and cooking, but while he’d be outside with the guys and his family, I’d put the kitchen back together. I didn’t mind, gave me something to do while they all hung out and talked about stuff I wasn’t that interested in, and he really appreciated it. He worked hard, and I was still home full time with my girls, so it worked for us. We were together a year and a half, and it was really that he drank too much for me and I didn’t feel like he could take care of me, that ended things. I need a rock. I know that about me.

    So, I think you’ll be fine 🙂

    Thanks so much to you and Island Girl for sticking up for me. Nothing like being called manipulative, a user, bragging, disrespectful, power seeker, attention hound, cheater who can’t step up to the plate, happy to make someone suffer for my own gain, all in one paragraph.

    The thing is Mariposa, I don’t really care what you think. I’m not that kind of person, it’s a complex situation and not easily explained in a few paragraphs. If I wanted to make her suffer, I’d be acting a whole lot differently. I have a lot to brag about in my life, and actually, the fact that my ex is financially supportive is one of them. He’s very giving to everyone, including her. He gives BIG gifts, that is how he shows love. I gave up my career, what I went to college for, because of his. We moved every 2-3 years, and once we had kids, I stayed home because he was gone so much. He’s not buying me a new dryer because I’m having sex with him. He’s buying me a dryer because while he has an excellent, high paying job, just paid cash for a 2011 ford explorer that is completely decked out, I work 35 hours a week, with no benefits to have a flexible job because it works best for our children. They come first to me, the career will come later. BUT, his career hasn’t suffered by our divorce, having children, etc. I have raised my girls completely by myself the last almost 6 years, he’s been out of state for all of it, and out of the country for 27 months of that, and will leave again for 4 or 5, over summer, when he would be more available to help me with them. So, if he wants to buy me a dryer, all I say is, “Thank you. Feels great to know you still want to be there for me.” If she’s threatened by that, so be it… but that is who he is, it’s not going to change, and it’s who he’s always been.

    The next time you want to say something totally bit@hy on here, get a little more background info. before you assume you know someone.

  153.  #153Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Amazing Me…well said!!!! thank you 🙂

  154.  #154Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    KS…thank you 🙂

    Camile..thank you 🙂

  155.  #155Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Jilly, Thank you for your kindness…

  156.  #156turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Jilly, so nice to hear more of your story, to see where you’ve come from. I wish there was a little tag line at the bottom of our posts to give us some insight on each other like:

    Turquoise3- 37, single mom, Pittsburgh, divorced 3 years, has abandonment and overfunctioning issues

    🙂 Hugs!! I get the hormonal thing, mine will be next week too. Yuck!

  157.  #157Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    I have a long and quite interesting story to tell just not sure how to go about it….It’s been almost a year and for the first time in my life i can honestly say I am having a hard time shaking this one. Usually I just walk away….HELP!!!

  158.  #158turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    Oh and yes, Mike is the one I cancelled on who we’ve talked on the phone serveral times. We did text a bit today, but other than that, it’s been all phone calls which is refreshing.

    I’ve been leaning so far back from all of them, I’m about to fall backwards out of my chair. Will be interesting to see if that changes if I meet and like them. So far though, both guys have been stepping up, asking me out, making the effort… so we shall see. No more bad behavior for me. Been there, done that, tired of it! 🙂

  159.  #159turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Amazing Me, I agree, well said!

    One thought about the toxic man, I’d say my ex was toxic for me with a capital T, but he’s a really good guy underneath. Is that possible?

  160.  #160Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    I do believe it is possible if they are still growing and learning themselves what they want in life. That is when we step back give him space and maybe one day he figures it out and wo0uldn’t be so toxic…It may not be us they come to but that is ok because there is a lesso0n behyind each heartache…

  161.  #161Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    i think that’s a great idea…that was the short short short version lol…but he was the first man i’ve ever felt like i could say yes to marrying without any doubt and he was probably one of the most toxic 🙁 yikes

    i’ve been married 1x and engaged 2x…my family calls me the run away bride…

    but once a man wants to marry me…i’m outta there…definitely have some intimacy issues ….that im babystepping into

    so i haven’t been dating the right kind of men for me…but i feel like i’m on the right path now…yay 🙂

    and after the anxiety passes…like right now i feel like my happy self again…i’m not worried about overfunctioning with hotpilot and pushing him away..yay…that feels so much better

  162.  #162Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    I am so thankful for my lessons in life, It makes up who I am today, So Thank You toxic man, I will always love you….well just not the toxic part..lol

  163.  #163Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    Jilly that is the best news, We are on a similar path, my overfunctioning days are over, time to receive love. I deserve it, we all do!

  164.  #164KS on April 21, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    I’m KS, 40 y/o from the south. I am addicted to man crack. I also have abandonment issues and fear of true intimacy.

    Turquoise3 I love it……rofl

  165.  #165Darling Ella on April 21, 2011 at 11:27 pm


    Gosh, I love your progress and it feels so good when u share your struggles and successes…

    I am not there yet to experience the overfunctioning tendency as in the past…but all of you who are or beginning a relationship… sharing what u notice and when it happens…it feels amazingly helpful to me…

    Amazing Me…

    I feel surprised every day by your insights and work 🙂 I often felt curious how long have u been working with Rori’s programs and blog?


    I feel very sad for the “misunderstanding” and harshness you felt from Mariposa’s posts…:(

    Thank you though for your kindness and willingness to share such private information…I know it helps me understand you…and your progress…thoughts…processes…and I feel certain many other Sirens find it helpful…

    I often feel fearful of what I post as well…and of course, misunderstandings…there is much more “background” that could be shared to avoid misunderstandings…but yet, we try to learn to avoid “explanations”…and stick to feeling messages…people who don’t know what we are doing…read “between” the lines…:(

    I feel so tired…yet, I had a nice evening Ballroom dancing…I sure hope I can go further with it…yet, I realize it’s gonna be pretty spendy 🙁 Feeling pretty down about it…it’s like I started something and I may not be able to finish it…:(

    Good nite all…

  166.  #166Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    C…i think for sure they can be toxic but good guys underneath …nice job on leaning back lol that’s how it’s done! 😉

    Amazing me…how come you can’t shake him?

    im starting to feel really sleepy now that my anxiety is written all over the world wide web 😉

    so i might have to catch up in the morning with my coffee..C…thanks for the encouragement…i feel so much better about things…they will be ok 🙂

  167.  #167Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Lets just say in the past 6 to 8 months I found Rori by accident trying to get my toxic man back. Any connection I was looking for…. but instead I was tought by Rori and you awesome sirens and my need for dating me and taking care of my own happiness came to be a priority. I fought it all the way but am so glad I made it here 🙂

  168.  #168Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    I can’t shake him because…whoa this is hard i NEVER ADMITTED IT BEFORE…but the chemistry was amazing, he made me feel wanted, beautiful, and I loved him for the kind and caring man I thought him to be. Blinders I dunno, but that gut instinct is really hard to not take into consideration. He was my soulmate, I looked at him and saw noone else in the room. I never knew I could ever feel like that about anyone. I didn’t even feel that with my kids’ dad. It was a fairytale I call it because it felt so good and I was happy. I love the experience and will take it with me on my journey. The problem was in the end he disappeared and i WAS left with a hole in my heart I am now healing everyday.

  169.  #169Jilly on April 21, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Amazing Me…we ARE on a similar path..yay 🙂

    DE…thank you…you sound sooo wise these days…or maybe i’m able to hear you better?? hmmm…interesting

    and Camile i second what DE said about sharing yourself with us…and hope you don’t hold back..i did feel worried you wouldn’t come back..i felt sad about that..

    goodnite 🙂

  170.  #170Amazing Me on April 21, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    Good night Sirens until next time…much love xoxoxo

  171.  #171turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    Thanks DE, Island Girl and Jilly… I almost missed the whole thing! If She hadn’t reposted some of what she wrote, I wouldn’t have seen it.

    I’m ok about it. I’m not here because of the random posters who blurt things out without any concern for the person they are referring to, I’m here for the connection I feel on the blog to certain bloggers and to read and learn from Rori, and each of the sirens that share their stories. It’s nice not feeling alone on this journey, and having the reminders of where my mind should be, and when I’m going in circles, how to move forward.

    I’m also not expecting everyone to agree with me, I don’t agree with everyone else. BUT, Mariposa saying such nasty things about me, wasn’t going to go without a response. I have no problem sticking up for myself, others, or setting someone straight. I don’t expect her to change her opinion of me, thinking she was on the other end of it, I can understand how she’d want to blame it all on the ex, but my situation isn’t hers. No need to be so judgemental.

  172.  #172turquoise3 on April 21, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    DE, sorry to hear your concerns about your ballroom dancing… hope you find a way to continue. Such a sireny activity and I feel how much you love it from your posts too.

    It’s 3AM, I have to get to bed. Goodnight all!

  173.  #173kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:24 am


    Adam just put LIKE on one of my pics. Just a normal snapshot pic with my cousin. Yep. Yesterday I leaned forward cuz I felt Rockstar (though my short-lived Rockstar status was more like a one hit wonder), and clicked LIKE to his status update about tour.

    Is it dumb that I feel excited?!!! I feel stoked! But don’t worry, I’m not expecting him to do anything else. Bonus if he does! But it’s progress!

    And I think it’s cooler that he LIKED one of my more normal pics and not the glam ones.

    Whatch’all think? Or am I getting too excited?

  174.  #174kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:42 am

    I want to take time to read about everyone’s day here. But so tired and only have 10 mins internet time. Goodnite

  175.  #175RiverGirl on April 22, 2011 at 1:48 am

    : )) I’m excited for you too! And it’s not dumb to feel happy about that.

  176.  #176kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:59 am


    But what if he’s just trying to be polite? Ugh

  177.  #177The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:08 am

    Hi Kaitlyn! Nice to see you again. If you have time, pls read my comment #721 in the previous thread. I tried to make sense of the situation, as it may (may! I’m no mindreader) look from Adam’s side. May be helpful. But don’t read it now if you’re in a bad mood, it may be hurtful…

  178.  #178The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:18 am

    Kaitlyn: “But what if he’s just trying to be polite?”
    Why should he try to be polite if he mentally put the relationship behind him? I don’t see why he should feel like he needs to give you a positive feedback at all, when there’s no pressure to do so! No, really, it IS a positive sign. Obviously there are still some warm feelings for you. But is that enough to make him eventually get back to you? That’s the question. Nobody but Adam can say for sure, and maybe even he doesn’t really know it…

  179.  #179Maya on April 22, 2011 at 2:20 am

    This may not be the best place for this comment but I really need to vent about men in general. Ive been with my current boyfriend for over five years, on and off he loved me on first sight and has been pursuing me ever since. I have never chased him and always reaped the benefits of a great relationship. We were planning to marry and then his entire world was turned inside out when his mother died of cancer last year. It was really tough on both of us. When he talked to his family about wanting to get married, they all began criticizing me and told him i was no good for him. Now before they talked to him we were happy and content and he was as i said making me happy and was happy doing it too, we were totally in love. With time since his family talked to him, telling him that I should be chasing him and pumping him in other ways, he has changed towards me always looking for a reason to start a fight and criticizing me, and telling me i wasnt affectionate enough and then when i was it seemed to repel him because before I always let him initiate affection and love and before his family talked crap to him, he was perfectly content with this arrangement telling me things like ‘of course ill be more affectionate with you, youre worth it’ and we were both happy. I dont know what to do, when i lean back he says im cold when i lea forward he seems uncomfortable with my attention, pleeeease someone give me some perspective. I know he loves me and has defied his entire family for me, and put his foot down, but since they talked to him something has clicked and changed in the dynamics of our relationship and hes not as nurturing as before.

  180.  #180kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:27 am


    Yes, I read it and really appreciate it. You seem to think along the same lines as what I suspect now he’s thinking. The only depressing part was that no matter how much I decsribe to him how much self-hate my mistake has inflicted, he won’t believe me because I ruined his trust as I crossed his last boundary. Adam and I don’t have any friends in common. Except one guy from work whom we never got friendly with further than ‘pass me the stapler please.’

  181.  #181RiverGirl on April 22, 2011 at 2:48 am

    kaitlyn says:
    “But what if he’s just trying to be polite?”

    Kaitlyn, I would say try not to focus on what he is trying to be. You felt good seeing that he “liked” your photo so just feel good. And keep doing all the other Rori stuff…you know the drill…leaning back, CDing etc.

    “The Rori Raye Mantra:
    Trust Your Boundaries
    Follow Your Feelings
    Choose Your Words
    Be Surprised”

  182.  #182The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:53 am

    “The only depressing part was that no matter how much I decsribe to him how much self-hate my mistake has inflicted, he won’t believe me because I ruined his trust as I crossed his last boundary.”

    Kaitlyn, that’s so sad, but I guess you see this realistically. That’s why I wrote that actions speaks louder than words. When words aren’t good enough anymore, is there anything you could DO that would show to him that you have changed? Obviously, he still pays attention to what you’re doing (as he showed by liking your pic), so if you talk about any new endeavour at FB or another site, he’ll prolly notice that. Maybe there is something he always envouraged you to do that you coould start doing now? Dunno, using your creative talent in a new way? Something that would show that there are bigger values for you (art, spirituality) than mere materialistic gains?

    I know this can be seen as leaning too much forward, but I imagine this guy has been hurt so much that an extraordinary effort is necessary to repair the damage. And the point isn’t doing something for him, but for you. Something that would show that your aware you made a big mistake, and that this lead to a change of heart and mind.

    This also may help you to deal with the issue, to stop torturing yourself for this. It has happened, you can’t turn the time back, but you can move on with a new awareness about yourself and a determination to avoid getting on that slippery slope again.

    Hmm, Kaitlyn, I hope anything I just wrote makes sense to you. I feel a bit clumsy in putting my thoughts into meaningful words right now…

  183.  #183kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:56 am


    I just know Adam is very stubborn. Very adversarial.

  184.  #184kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:00 am


    He only put LIKE because he was returning my LIKE from the day before. We haven’t spoken since Feb 1- and I was the last to lean forward/instigate convo/connection. And I did it in a way I felt at the time. Told him I was wearing his flannel and wanted to say goodnight. No repsonse from him. Wow. He probably thought “There she goes using the tool she knows best to lure me in- sex. What a cop-out. Banal.”

  185.  #185kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:02 am

    I put on my FB just now that my friends should donate to a certain charity. He has no idea I’m involved in any charity. I’ve no need to advertise that I am. Just that I want my friends to donate.

  186.  #186flora on April 22, 2011 at 3:09 am

    Rori this article rocks x

  187.  #187Kyla on April 22, 2011 at 3:10 am


    I don’t know your full story so I apologise if this is not helpful. I love DE’s post about taking a break away just for you.

    If it were me, I would stop leaning forward. I would stop asking for or offering sex, I would stop trying to figure out why my husband is not interested. I would stop worrying about how I could get him interested. I would stop expecting him to notice my sexy outfits or my advances. All this is doing is knocking your confidence. (I know easier said then done!)

    Instead I would lean back, I would drop the oars, take my focus away from him and back on me and I would focus on me and my feelings. I would touch myself lovingly the way I want to be touched, enjoy a hot shower and really concentrate on the sensations on my skin as I wash myself. I would caress my body and pamper it with moisterizer. I would get dressed up and do my hair and makeup for ME, enjoy my reflection and maybe do Rori’s painting yourself with love exercise as often as possible. I would cuddle myself with soft or silky materials, go for gentle walks and feel the wind brush my hair from my face, do some stretching and enjoy the sensations. I would turn myself on, I would hug myself and I would bring myself to orgasm whenever I felt I needed physical love and pleasure.

    What I really get from Rori is the more you focus on you the less pressure men feel and the more they are drawn to you. The more you focus on loving you, the more love you draw to you. If you truly love yourself and can give yourself all the love and affection you need your man will either step up and pour more love on you or he will leave and make space for the love you deserve.

    I’m doing these things right now for slightly different reasons but thought I would share in case any of it feels useful to you.


  188.  #188The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 3:25 am

    #181 RiverGirl: “You felt good seeing that he “liked” your photo so just feel good.”
    Right! Kaitlyn should simply enjoy that positive feedback. However, thinking about the sad story, I don’t think simply using Rori’s tools is enough to make that guy try again. But, ok, that’s just my personal view.

  189.  #189kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:26 am

    76 Jacqueline:

    Stairway to Heaven alone takes up most of that bj time frame.

  190.  #190The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 3:28 am

    #185 Good idea, Kaitlyn! Show him sides of you he doesn’t really know yet. That should raise his interest, make him wonder if he maybe didn’t see the full picture yet.

  191.  #191kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:31 am


    What do you think of me just doing my thing, focussing on me (as I’ve been doing. Really, I have! Despite all my crying and getting out the razor blades on blog), and when he’s back from tour, if he hasn’t contacted me, I lean forward and call him. In that call, I just act casual and light, making no mention of the past. Unless he brings it up anyway. Of course, if he was open to hanging out with me, I’d show him a letter I wrote of apologies. They’re apologies that feel more authentic then what I’ve told him before. They’re the ones I’ve written here on blog.

  192.  #192mali on April 22, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Kaitlyn: I really hope you don’t mind me butting in, but I’ve been following some of your posts.

    In response to #191: Please, don’t lean forward. by calling him, planning etc, you’re instigating and being in the masculine. And you’re not being your true, aunthentic self, because there’s intent. He’d be able to sense that even though you’re “acting” light and breezy, you’re going in there with a plan.
    So, no. let him come to you. In the meantime, you carry on loving yourself, doing all the work you need to do, so that hopefully when he *does* step up, you’re warm and open to him 🙂

  193.  #193kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:37 am


    What if he expects me to lean forward eventually because I was the one at fault, hurting him?

  194.  #194kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:38 am

    Or am I making excuses to lean forward? Arrgh.

  195.  #195RiverGirl on April 22, 2011 at 3:42 am

    Kaitlyn, I second what Mali said. You’ve come so far, keep working on being open to love wherever it comes from. If he wants to, he will find a way to come to you and you will be ready for him. I know it’s hard, I keep having to say all that to myself as well.

  196.  #196mali on April 22, 2011 at 3:43 am

    Kaitlyn, don’t you feel that you’ve tried leaning forward enough? And how does it feel when you have done? If it doesn’t feel good, then it’s not right for you 🙂
    I KNOW how tempting it is to lean forward and initiate something- believe me. But it feels bad chasing, and it feels bad initiating.
    Let him miss you. If he sees all the wonderful things you’ve been doing in your life, he’ll be more likely to be drawn in!

  197.  #197kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:49 am

    Mali, I hear ya. But I’ve mastered lots of self-discipline leaning back. Until now, I didn’t even reach out to wish him happy 40th birthday last month.

  198.  #198mali on April 22, 2011 at 3:53 am

    I think that’s admirable… sometimes I find that leaning back takes more effort than leaning forward! 😉

  199.  #199kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:54 am

    We all know leaning back takes more effort. 🙂 We come here to figure that out or to fine tune it.

  200.  #200The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 3:58 am

    #183 Kaitlyn, that he’s adversarial now only makes sense. He wants to avoid to get hurt again. What insurances does he have it wouldn’t be all the same again? IF you really want to get him back (it may be more reasonable to look for other guys instead, but, ok, it’s emotion vs. reason) it will take some time to rebuild the trust. But that he “returned” the like is still a good sign. He didn’t have to do that, he could simply have ignored you! So, he hasn’t burned the bridges yet.

    However, your message in #184 imho was too much leaning forward, sounding as if nothing had happened. As I see it, you’re very much back to square one now, having to start alll over again. You can’t take intimacy (like him being interested in you wearing his flanel) for granted anymore. Try to show interest in him and his work instead, so he knows you still care, but without expecting him to simply continue your relationship. He should get the message that you understand that he’s hurt and won’t go on as before.

    Damn, I dunno, this is just how I view it. Hope some other folks here weigh in with more and maybe better advice…

  201.  #201The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 4:21 am

    Mali, Rivergirl, imho you seriously underestimate the damage done. Ok, I can speak only from my own point of view, including what I know from friends who have been in similar (but LESS hurtful) situations, but I honestly believe that only leaning back is not good enough. Adam aparently still is interested, but he’s probably in full self preservation mode now. Why should he come back if all he can expect is more of the same? We guys may do some crazy stuff because we really love a girl, but our devil-may-care attitude doesn’t go that far.

    Come on, ladies, try to get into his skin! HOW would you feel if your love went on an expensive vacation with someone else who has more money than you? Would you really give that guy a second chance, as long as he hasn’t convinced you that the has changed and that the second try won’t be exactly the same as the first one? Hmm.

    Ok, that’s my last comment to that story. Sry if my honest point of view has hurt you, Kaitlyn! As I said, your story moved me very much, I can feel how much you honestly want to make good for your mistake, and I really believe you have a chance to succeed. Whatever you chose to do, I wish you the very best!

    Ok, ladies, I will go back into lurking mode for some time. I feel like I can’t really add much value to this discussion. Seems to me the support you give each other for healing is more helpful than my male advice now…

  202.  #202RiverGirl on April 22, 2011 at 4:32 am

    201: The Lurker says:
    Mali, Rivergirl, imho you seriously underestimate the damage done.

    Lurker, I get it. I can’t know exactly how he would feel, only he can know that. But I get it.

  203.  #203mali on April 22, 2011 at 4:32 am

    Lurker, I feel bad. I didn’t know the full story.
    You’re right, however a person can’t fully heal simply because the person who has hurt them assures them it won’t happen again and apologises. It’s a question of whether this person will even heal enough to be able to trust you again, let alone agree to be in a relationship with once again. And you can’t hurry that along.

    Kaitlyn: I’m sorry, but I don’t know the full story. Would you be willing to share it, or refer me to a post you’ve previously written that explains all?

  204.  #204The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Pls read the thread to the previous blogstory, Mali.

    And Kaitlyn, I apologize if my comments hurt you! I can only say I admire the honesty which which you shared and discussed this sad episode here. I think you’re a great woman, with a lot of heart. Ok, you got carried away and made a big mistake, but such stuff happens. Probably everybody has some ‘corpses in the cellar’. The way in which you deal with this shows your human qualities, and you really shouldn’t torture yourself that much. What’s important now is to look ahead and go on in pursuit of happiness!

  205.  #205Rosa on April 22, 2011 at 5:52 am


    This was me. So many years I have pushed away and hidden deep inside those memories.
    My husband didnt want sex.
    Early in the marriage he would avoid it.
    Then he started sleeping in the guest room.
    The End.

    I felt so rejected, so hurt and so alone.
    I felt like nothing. I felt dead inside.

    I was triggered a LOT by Rusty’s comments about it being tough on the man to be RESPONSIBLE for the womans pleasure and how a quick shower or porn session was easy because he didnt have to be RESPONSIBLE for her pleasure. That is totally SAD….

    That was the end result.

    If you can find help with this Mel please do anything you can to end the downhill spiral. I think being here and open and ready are wonderful opportunities for growth and change.

  206.  #206The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 6:10 am

    Ok, I wanted to keep out for a while, but I think there’s one point here in the discussion that has to be corrected: Most males, including those in relationships, engage in masturbation regularly! Afaik that fact is known since the Hite report. So, come on, ladies, don’t interprete too much into this! It’s totally normal and not a sign that the guy is disinterested in having sex with you. Ok?

  207.  #207Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 6:19 am


    I was “Adam”…a few times with my last ex bf…

    When u said “In that call, I just act casual and light, making no mention of the past. Unless he brings it up anyway. Of course, if he was open to hanging out with me, I’d show him a letter I wrote of apologies. They’re apologies that feel more authentic then what I’ve told him before. They’re the ones I’ve written here on blog.”

    U thought process feels sooo “manly”…and it’s like deja vu again for me…and yes, I feel triggered…

    Acting casual and light…when u don’t feel casual and light would sure backfire…that is as dishonest as it can be…how would he ever built trust with u when u continue to act nonchalant even though u feel like crap inside? or maybe scared? or maybe miss him horribly? feel bad about the whole thing?

    If I were Adam, I would not want a casual call based on what transpired as far…I would rather read a warm, heartfelt letter first…I want to hear that she acknowledges the damage done…I want to feel “Kaitlyn”‘s heart and not head ; i feel turned off actually by her fixation on “high” intellect, great looks, body shape, designer shoes, bags, cloths;…and i want to get the space to respond when i am ready…

    A casual call…would sure piss the f***ck out of me…

    I feel hesitant and a bit afraid putting this out…Sometimes I read u posts..and tell myself…Gosh, she sure needs lots of hugs…:( and unconditional love…:(

    Warm hugs,

  208.  #208Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 6:48 am

    RE 191 kaitlyn I just knew there was some progress in there somewhere. Congrats.

  209.  #209Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Maya thanks for sharing your story. The only thing I could probably assume from the story is that it is related to his level of maturity and the amount of approval he would need from his immediate family. He might not be in a place where he feels comfortable about fully making decisions for his own life so he relys on the validation of friends and family. Focussing on leaning back or forward might not be serving you right now because of attachment to the outcome. In other words you expect to control some result, rather than just responding to how you feel in the moment. It seems to me that he might need to really feel the need for you in his life. Maybe if he misses you a bit it might get him into his emotional body and thinking about you? That I imagine he could experience if you were really out there doing things in your own life and enjoying it to the point of actually forgetting about him? When he tells you that you are cold, it might be because your could cold possibly be closed in the moment he reaches out for emotional connection? In my opinion it might be worthwhile really focusing on your happiness and becoming totally committed to that to see what would serve you regardless of whether this relationship moves forward or not. I am not suggesting it is an easy feat it seems he is feeling both pushed and pulled from either side and that to me is a lot of pressure. I have a friend who went against his family for the girl he wanted. She practically dropped off the planet when they could not deal with the family pressure any longer. He tried for over a month to find out where she was and when he did, he called her until she finally decided to take the call. She had moved from NYC to California where her sister lives without telling him what she was doing or where she was going. They finally got married and after the family found out they were talking about him having to annul the marriage. Two years ago they renewed their vows after 20 years and having a real wedding because they originally had to elope to get married. She is a good friend of mine who I had introduced him to. The family had wanted us to get married, I was ambivalent about it because he was not up to my standard and she recognized him as a good man. He finally gave up on me and went after her in spite of the family disagreement about it. He still admits that I was the one he wanted but I can now see where my heart was definitely closed off because I was afraid of intimacy. Looking back I can see where in some of our communication he tried to give me hints that he was not feeling like he was winning with me. I would suggest stepping back and looking at the situation and what you really want in your real even if he is not there. The family can be an important part of his decision making process but I believe the most important part is how he feels with you. I also believe you could do yourself some good if you don’t focus on trying to convince him about anything. Let him find his own reasons for wanting the relationship.

  210.  #210turquoise3 on April 22, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Good morning sirens… It’s starting already. My 10 yr. old daughter slept over a friends house last night, and when I texted her this morning to see if she was up, she said yes, but they were going to meet some neighbor boys from school at 10, outside the next door house. My immediate reaction was get packed, be there soon. She wasn’t happy, said they are nice kids, just friends, not like she LIKES them…. she’s 10 ladies, 5th grade….. I better get this stuff figured out now, because I sure hope she grows up handling things better than I have! I don’t want to see her here in 27 yrs. Yikes!!! Off to shower and get my girl! I gave her 30 min. think that seems reasonable 🙂

  211.  #211Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Lurker I have been told it is not about the sex. I have seen someone else write here something similar so now I have a question. Do you think it is a subliminal way for the guy to indicate his concern of sexually satisfying a woman? I get your comment around sexual performance and the sense of responsibility guys might feel around that. I also understand the feeling of obligation because I have felt it and don’t like it either. I would appreciate your honest assessment around the issue just to understand your thinking. I hope you will not be drawn into a debate or argument about it but I am really curious to hear your perspective. I will be honest and let you know that depending on what you choose to share I might have a follow up question and will commit to not challenging you or debating whether your comments/thinking is right or wrong. I am just honestly curious. Also let me say thank you in advance for considering responding to my question.

  212.  #212Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:25 am

    RE 210 I am with you and am learning here and downloading to my own 14 year old daughter.

  213.  #213Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Lurker I am also wondering how a woman can help a guy to feel safe about his masturbating and how to communicate that you would not be judgemental if he shares that part of himself with you? Tinque has shared about porn and I suspect the challenges are similar so I would be happy to hear Tinque’s perspective or experience around this also. Thank you both.

  214.  #214Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:30 am

    Rusty I would also appreciate if you respond to my comments and questions above. Please also bear in mind it is not to take your philosophy around it apart or to engage you in an argument. I am curious to get a male perspective. Thank you.

  215.  #215Amazing Me on April 22, 2011 at 7:30 am


    This is a song I hear and think of X…just thought I would share….My secrets..ughhh…frustrating

  216.  #216Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:34 am

    AmazingMe it is really amazing how songs tell us about how things sometimes work in real life and how the stories seem to fly over our heads. Thanks for sharing that.

  217.  #217T-Girl on April 22, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Darling Ella re: ballroom dancing

    Check out your local dance studios for inexpensive ways to get in dancing lessons. I am finding that there are about 4 studios around me that have different instructors holding drop in dance lessons for $7-$10 per session. A great inexpensive way to learn to dance!

  218.  #218Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 7:39 am


    Yes, thank u …i agree…i was thinking ab it as well…yet, gosh I want to go for possible competition type training 🙁

    Fred Astaire has great reputation, exposure…but, yet very likely won’t be able to afford them at this time 🙁

    Warm hugs,

  219.  #219gina on April 22, 2011 at 7:42 am

    It’s the craziest thing: Rori asks if we WANT to be loved, and today, my friend reported that her BF dumped her because “he doesn’t want to be loved right now.” he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.

  220.  #220Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 7:43 am


    Re: #210 – Weren’t they just going to talk and hang out? At age 10 I doubt she has anything else in mind. But I guess you know her better than me.

  221.  #221Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 7:44 am


    Re: #219 – Ouch!

  222.  #222T-Girl on April 22, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Interesting…I have been leaning way back with GAASB – today I get an email from him calling me “hey stranger” lol. Oh, and he wants to know when he can see me again 🙂

    Was hoping CuteHarleyGuy would ask me out for this weekend. He calls or texts everyday but looks like GAASB might possibly get my time on Saturday instead.

  223.  #223Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 7:50 am

    210 Camile
    You’re probably gone by now, to pick up your daughter, but, I’ve got to say, from reading your posts, that you sound like such a great mom! 🙂

    Mine are older and out of the house, and I would like to share one thing that I thought of when reading your really cute post.

    I noticed how your 10 year old daughter was completely honest with you about going to meet the boys.

    So here’s the thing: You want to do everything to keep it that way. If you chastise her for even wanting to do meet the boys, or otherwise cause alarm bells to ring, she could start to close off and begin to hide things.

    I am reminded of a movie called “The Banger Sisters” (2002) with Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon, where this was a problem, and there was a very real scene in this movie where Goldie demonstrated how to get a teenager to open up.

    I loved it! Now I want to see that movie again!


  224.  #224Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 7:51 am


    RE: #193 – I guess you already know what I think about leaning forward in this case… 🙂

  225.  #225Amazing Me on April 22, 2011 at 7:51 am

    FemininePower so true ….I live through music makes my heart happy 🙂

  226.  #226Amazing Me on April 22, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Well today is Good Friday and I promised 3 little ones a day at the beach…It’s beautiful here in Florida..I am greatful for the ocean and the sun and my life 🙂 Have a great day be back soon 😛

  227.  #227Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 7:55 am


    Re: #201 – You said, “Ok, ladies, I will go back into lurking mode for some time. I feel like I can’t really add much value to this discussion. Seems to me the support you give each other for healing is more helpful than my male advice now…”

    I really appreciate your advice. It helps tremendously hearing your male perspective. You are very kind.

  228.  #228Mercedes on April 22, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Kaitlyn: I can tell you that when J cheated on me, it took almost a year before I fully allowed him back into my life. He spent all those months working on himself. As painful as that time was, in some ways I am grateful for it because it “forced” him to become a whole, beautiful, amazing man. I would not have taken him back into my life had he not made those changes…and he had to make them knowing he was probably never going to have me back anyway. He did it for himself…without my help and without much contact from me…and in the end, he became I person I could love and trust. Had he pined away for me and not changed himself in ways I could see, we would not be together today.

    I’m with Lurker. Make positive changes in yourself. If facebook is how he sees you, then post those changes on facebook. Be authentic about it always. Become someone he could love and trust. If he can deal with the pain and get through it, then he really did love you. If he can’t, then I understand. Living with someone who has cheated is very, very difficult. I’m not sure everyone can or should do it. All I know is that J and I were right for each other so after a long time, we found each other again. But only after I saw him become the person I thought I loved in the first place.

    I’m sorry for your pain (just as I hated seeing J in pain when he was missing me) and I’m sorry for the pain Adam is going through. He hasn’t blocked you from facebook, so there’s still something drawing him to you…but it can’t be forced by either of you and in my opinion…it can’t be rushed and the changes need to happen within yourself…authentically.

    Adam may or may not be strong enough to get through this. That however, should not be your focus right now. Your focus should be on healing YOU and on getting yourself fully ready for whatever life has to offer you….whether that be Adam or someone else.

    Hope that resonates.

    Much Love,

  229.  #229Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 7:55 am

    RE 219 Could it be that he wants to be “giving” love rather than “receiving” it? Or could it be that he would not feel good receiving it because he has challenges in his life? I know it is his business and hope she understands that it is not about her, she is enough for any man.

  230.  #230The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 8:00 am

    FP, I dunno if I understand your question right, and do you confuse me with Rusty, maybe? He wrote much more about this, including about the responsibility a man may feel for satisfying his girl. Ok, I have to say, I feel the same way, and this can be a bit awkward sometimes. Other times, the action comes so naturally that this isn’t a problem at all. It depends on the partners being in sync and in the right mood, I guess. But I know from what my ex girlfriends told me that not all men are ticking that way, that there are guys who only care about their own pleasure. So, not all men are the same in that regard.

    Well, masturbation, I prefer if my girl pretends she doesn’t notice when I spank the monkey, in the shower or so. It’s a moment when I want to be alone with my naughty fantasies. I guess other guys may like to do it openly, if it excites their woman. And studies also say that most women do it regularly. Everybody to his/her liking. As for all issues regarding sex, I think folks should be open to talk about their desires in a relationship, and that the best way to do this is in a playful, humorous manner, not in academic language! 😀

    But I’m really no sexpert, I only care about what the girl and I like, so I feel uncomfortable when somebody sees me as an authority on this, sorry. See, I have never had a one ngiht stand, for instance! Two nights was the minimum. 😀 So, if folks have questions, they should better consult one of the thousands of books on the topic. And use their own common sense. Because, what works for one guy doesn’t have to work for others. There’s so many variations of sexual interaction, everybody should be able to find his own favorites and communicate his preferences to the loved one. It may be a bit embarassing at first, but this really should be no taboo.

    Having said that, I admit I’m a bit surprised that Mel’s hubby shied away from talking about his fantasies. She seems to be more open about sex than he is. Hmm.

  231.  #231Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Where am I not forgiving myself?
    Why am I punishing myself?
    Why am I choosing relationships where I’m not being loved?
    Why am I falling for men who aren’t available emotionally?
    Why am I spending years of my life in a relationship with a man who is clearly not doing what men are supposed to do?
    What do I know or think from what I’ve seen in the movies and the books that I’m not getting?
    What do I think I’m supposed to have?
    What do I think I deserve?
    Why am I here?

  232.  #232Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Not confusing you Lurker. Just wanted to hear your voice around the topic.

  233.  #233Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Amazing Me 🙂
    I hope you will be gentle with your heart and allow it all the time it needs to grieve the loss of your soul mate. I know it must hurt like hell.

    Yesterday, I had the honor of chatting with a prospective CD, and he opened up to me about the relationship he had with his ex-wife. It had been two years since she passed.

    It is my feeling from what he has written in his profile and what he was saying and how he was saying it, that he is pretty much finished grieving.

    He said that she had told him she would want him to re-marry and that she would help him choose someone nice. He said he has discovered that he is not the type to be alone. Of course, she will always have that special place in his heart, but I am open to explore and see and discover and be surprised if his heart is big enough for another woman to have a special place too. 🙂


  234.  #234Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:06 am

    I also don’t really consider anyone here an expert around any topic because I don’t believe in the one size fit all concept. I believe context and particular situations are different and we have to keep an open mind to trying things depending on the situation. Plus it seems different people have different experiences, though there might be some commonalities. Thanks though for choosing to express yourself and respond to my question.

  235.  #235Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 8:06 am


    RE: #230 – I agree with your approach. I think the healthiest relationships are those that are deeply honest. I love it when I am so intimate with a man that we can talk about self-pleasuring, fantasies, secrets of all kinds.

  236.  #236sweetmandm on April 22, 2011 at 8:07 am


    I also feel that Adam was coming towards you, though it be very minimally, I see it that way! My thought is, (and it KIND of goes along with Lurkers posts to you) that if he is connected to you through FB, he will see the renewed and growing you and will respond to you as he’s ready. He will see your posts and he will feel it. If you try and lean forward now, my thought is, that you are pushing for his healing and the outcome that you long for to come to you sooner. Well………is it not the way we are learning, to let it come to us? The love, the attention, intention, etc? I don’t know if this is to be an acception. There are so many things you can say when he comes MORE towards you.

    What Mali said really resonates, that to initiate would be acting in the masculine and you are becoming more soft and feminine, authentic and vulnerable. 😉

    One perspective- YAY he reached out to me, he obviously DOES SEE good things in me (even through his hurt) to have reached out and then continue to focus me.

    My thoughts, because I care and am thinking thoughtfully about your posts and your situation. It is causing me to think of me and what I am trying to practice more and more as well! 🙂

    I am pulling for you!

    BIG HUG!

  237.  #237The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Mercedes, I wish I could delete my comments now! I feel like I unitentionally increased Kaitlyn’s pain. Your advice to her is so much better, much more helpful. Especially since it’s based on personal experience that you share with her. Thank you for weighing in!

  238.  #238Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I wonder if sharing curiousity about seeing how the monkey is spanked could open up the other person to sharing the fantasy? I also respect wanting the private moment because I like my own space sometimes. I feel this is related to codependence/interdependence so I am comfortable exploring how to balance things.

  239.  #239Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:14 am

    RE 237 Lurker it seems you have issues with guilt that you might need to heal and forgive yourself around. Mercedes did indicate in your post that she was with you on some of your comments. I am wondering if that flew below your radar of consciousness. I think sometimes to find balance we need to look at extremes. I think I also remember seeing kaitlyn saying she appreciated your perspective.

  240.  #240Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:15 am

    237. Lurker 🙂
    Yes, I agree with FP, and I was surprised that you said what you said about increasing Kaitlyn’s pain.


  241.  #241Mercedes on April 22, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Oh Lurker…I’m glad you can’t delete! Your advice is essentially the same as mine…different words…different ultimate goal (because I can’t at all focus on the two of them getting back together…I have no idea if it’s right or not. My general opinion is that when someone cheats, the two were not right and shouldn’t be together…it’s too risky. My experience tells me sometimes that’s not the case, but life, not pain has to bring those two people back together).

    But yes…I have been blessed with the experience of seeing J change and grow and develop himself into a man who deserved my love. Before those changes, I gave my love freely and I got hurt for it. Now, I give my love to the man who earned it.

    I also made changes during that time. I got stronger. I became a woman with boundaries and goals and dreams outside of being a “couple”. I grew too.

    Same thing though…your advice and mine…become someone a man can love and trust…and let the world see the changes.

    Your voice here really is valued.

    Much Love,

  242.  #242Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:18 am

    And Lurker,
    if you haven’t noticed, on this blog you are getting a lot of positive comments and requests for your take on things! So, I for one, would like to see that continue!



  243.  #243turquoise3 on April 22, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Thanks Elizabeth, she is very honest and I do want to keep it that way. I told her it was fine, but she wasn’t there to hang out with boys. (something she doesn’t normally do because I don’t let her roam around after school) I said I’d be there in 30 min. to pick her up, which was earlier than originally planned the night before. We just have a bunch to do before they go to see their dad. Their grandmother is picking them up at 12:30. She gave me some attitude, but I replied that I had decided this morning to get her earlier and my plan was to come get her right then if she was packed up because we have a lot to do before they go with their grandma. I was giving her extra time, but if she didn’t drop the attitude (Telling me fine, but I’m hanging out with boy 1 and boy 2) I’d come get her right now.

    She said oh thx, cya at 10:30 🙂

    We are entering the preteen stage early it seems, most of her friends are 11 already, and more boy focused. With texting, boys are just coming into the picture, and to be perfectly honest, scares the crap out of me. I know all that is yet to come, remember being her age….. and where she’ll be in the next 5 years or so. She gave me some attitude last night about dinner, and telling me she wasn’t practicing before her softball game because she didn’t know the one girl who needed a partner. Lately, she’s been TELLING me a lot. I’m both parents all the time here, so I do have to maintain a level of discipline, but also understanding and comfort. I try to balance them both…. and do think I do a pretty good job. 🙂

    Brenda, I know… wasn’t worried about what she’d be doing, just in this being something she’ll want to start doing more often, hanging outside with boys and her girlfriends… not quite ready for this! Thought I had about 2 more years! 🙂

  244.  #244Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Yay, Mercedes!
    You are one of my heroines!
    (not to be confused with “man crack” please)!


  245.  #245Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:22 am

    turquoise3 I get a lot of telling too from both the boy and girl but to a certain extent I allow them to do it sometimes because sometimes things drop out that they would normally hide. I choose to address the telling after the fact because I get a peek into their world when they are unconscious like that.

  246.  #246Ella on April 22, 2011 at 8:23 am

    The topic of this thread is SOO hard for me!

    I just find it so hard to feel good with the quieter, more consistent men that don’t give me that ‘wow’ chemisrty!

    I know I’ve gotta work through this and I just find it so difficult. I end up feeling really lonely and empty inside after I have spent time with a loving, non chemistry guy.

    Its so tied in to my patterns from childhood and how I learned the false belief that I have to work to earn love, otherwise it is meaningless.

    A perfect example was last night I was out with a guy friend who was taking me out, paying for me and generally looking after me.

    I don’t fancy him at all however I have a nice enough time with him.

    Then a guy showed up who I have not seen since school and used to have a massive crush on. Well he is still REALLY gorgeous, strong personality, slightly off the hook, and I was just totally drawn to him.

    We spent some time talking and stuff and dancing and he was only really focused on me 100% if he saw another guy was approaching me.

    And the chemistry for me was off the chart.

    Well after the evening finished my friend and I went and hung out at his flat for a bit and he pretty much ignored me.

    Also massive red flags came out around boundaries stuff like he thinks it is ok for him to drive when he is completely wasted!

    So basically I did not feel loved or secure with him.

    I did with me friend.

    And yet when we left I had a massive empty pain inside me and a longing and I just wanted to be with the toxic for me man!

    Grrrr… and I just couldn’t settle to spend time with the other guy I feel kinda freaked out by his attention on me and that I have to get away.

    Oh, gosh I have so far to go!


    BUT the thing I am doing differently now is that I am not acting on my impulses and leaning forward with the guys I have chemistry with.

    I am just being a girl, a fern, going all floppy and consciously trying to stay open to the guys who are coming towards me.

    And it is so hard right now.

    Just feels so flat.

    I am still invested in this silly idea that if I can get a difficult man to love me it will feel so good.

    But the truth is he will still be a difficult man and that will never feel brilliant.

    Babysteps to increasing my tolerance to men who want to love me and allowing them to even when every fibre of my being is resisting.


  247.  #247tinque on April 22, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Femininepower – I’m not sure what your question is in re masturbation.

    I can only speak from my experience here with K, and I have found the older he gets, the less he does it to where I don’t think he does it all, at least not right now.

    He didn’t do it that much even when we first got together aside from mutual masturbation.

    He has always preferred to save it for me. He did, and still does, like to play with himself or have me play with him but we don’t go anywhere with it. It’s like teasing throughout the day, a build up to be completed later.

    He’s been under stress from his job, so I’ve been doing most of the initiating, and I’ve been rejected a lot. This used to just kill me inside, but I’ve grown accustomed. I feel very secure now that it has nothing to do with me, and I feel secure that he didn’t go take care of himself without me. Even if he says no, he comes through later or the next morning, so I don’t worry about this anymore.

    Yeah we’re down to twice a week on average, yet it’s been SO satisfying and amazingly incredible, I feel okay with it for now though three or four times is my preference.

    Did this answer your questions?


    This will pass as soon as the stress does.

  248.  #248The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 8:24 am

    FP, Liz, thank you! But I still feel like I didn’t find the right words, that I was too harsh and direct. I think Mercedes and Sweetmandm made their points in a much more positive way. But, ok, I’m often very critical of what I write, and sometimes simply can’t get it into the right form…

  249.  #249tinque on April 22, 2011 at 8:26 am

    And kaitlyn – Men don’t do tit for tat. They just don’t. He liked your picture because there’s still a part of him with you. He’s keep an eye on you. Whether this goes any further, only time will tell.


  250.  #250tinque on April 22, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Daria – I had a dream about you last night. The art that you made the other day was entered in a contest though part way through the dream, the art transformed into quilts or maybe one huge quilt with the same patterns you drew.

    This huge quilt was featured. I don’t know what happened from there; the alarm went off.

    Thought you would want to know this, might make you feel good.


  251.  #251Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:30 am

    RE 247 Tinque it seems I am getting a lot of feedback that I am not clear in my communication. Thanks for sharing that and sharing your story. It was helpful. I will let it perculate in my mind for a while and will get back to you if I need some clarification but I will say that it does indicate that every situation is not the same. I have been left with the sense that talking about the topic and exploring what might work best is a good way to go. Thanks again Tinque.

  252.  #252Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I hear you, Lurker, I have the too harsh and direct thing goin’ on sometimes too. I don’t know, though. Sometimes it is just a “style” and the good or bad intentions come through regardless… by that I mean, are you sharing your discernment of the situation or judging the person? To me, that is the yardstick.

    And on the flip side, sometimes it doesn’t matter what your intention is, people have their own things going on their heads and patterns that make them perceive things a certain way.

    So, you can’t lose for trying, but you really can’t control the outcome.

    Was that too harsh and direct? Well, you know I mean well! 🙂


  253.  #253The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 8:33 am

    #242 Liz: “if you haven’t noticed, on this blog you are getting a lot of positive comments and requests for your take on things!”

    Ha! I know very well you girls are only testing your Rori tools on me. And, damn, they leave a positive impression every single time!
    Ok, only joking. Even though there may be a grain of truth in this, right?

  254.  #254Ella on April 22, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I feel hopeless about ever being able to be with someone who loves me and feeling attracted to them!

  255.  #255Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Lurker I can’t speak for kaitlyn but I like direct. It is, for me, most times honest and not necessarily filtered to say what I want to hear. Yes it might be harsh at times but the when the sincerity shines through I can find the nuggets of value in it that can help me grow. So for me I value the mirror and the message because I am on my growth path. Having said that I acknowledge it was addressed to someone else but she did indicate her appreciation.

  256.  #256Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:36 am

    RE 254 Can you allow the feeling to morph and bounce off you?

  257.  #257Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:37 am

    RE 253 Luker for me it is more than testing the tools. It is about understanding the male mind and getting genuine feedback from the other side.

  258.  #258Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Speaking of children, I am getting this feeling that my dog is missing the guy that was spending a lot of time here and is no longer. I feel bad now. OH!

  259.  #259Judie on April 22, 2011 at 8:41 am

    It’s fun reading the posts about oral for the guy. I have a perfect system.
    Guys tell me THEY are really loving it and they say the reason is because I REALLY seem to love doing it(I do) and it shows.. slow, loving.. sexy, soft, hard… asking what he likes and wants.
    When they cum in my mouth I just let it dribble out the side along with the spit.. sorry for being so graphic but what the hell, we’re talking about it right? Because there is so much saliva( I make sure of that) the guy never knows.. he thinks I swallowed..
    I just can’t swallow.. nope. But he can cum in my mouth as long as I get it out right away.. and it dribbles down on him and I catch it in my hand.
    For me, I’ve never known a man who can do oral on me that I enjoy. I hate it. It’s boring and annoys the hell out of me! They are either too light with their ‘touch’ or just hit the wrong places, and most won’t take direction. But I DO love a man’s hands on me there, strong masculine touch, that’s for me.
    Also, the guy I’m with now, who is soon ‘outta here’ does NO foreplay except oral, that’s all he knows.. I have started dating the 60 something age group.. God.,. it’s awful! They are sexualy sophomoric and retards for the most part. I’m SURE There are some good ones out there, I’ve just not found them. The one I have says if he has to DO some thing to get me turned on he doesn’t want to bother, actually THINKS lying side by side.. talking is foreplay!!..roll over get on get in get off roll off . ugh!. but he wants sex .. sometimes ALL day,.. I don’t mind sex all day.. but I’m ready to move on after 7 months of trying to turn him into a lover.. let someone else benefit from what I have taught him.. I have better places to go baby!!

  260.  #260Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Isn’t it OK to practice the tools with you?
    You get to practice too, right?
    Your feedback is invaluable. You helped me to see something crucial yesterday. Thank you. 🙂


  261.  #261Ella on April 22, 2011 at 8:42 am

    FP re 256


    I want to be loved by a man I am attracted to!

  262.  #262Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Welcome Judie thanks for your perspective and you are funny.

  263.  #263Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 8:47 am

    I’m thinking maybe I should Marry four men so they can divide up the “chore” of having sex with me. Seriously. If a man’s gonna have sex with himself more than with me, I’m gonna want more than one man. I feel sad thinking about this. It would feel great to have one man who loves twosomes as much as I do. Wherever did the notion of wives “having a headache” come from? – It seems that in reality, women in relationships are being denied sex more than the men. I feel sad and discouraged. 🙁

  264.  #264Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:49 am

    259 Judie

    Hi Judie! You remind me of a local friend!

    OMG, sometimes it all just seems like too much work!

    I hear you about the older guys!

    I’m going for easy and breezy and the guy I have great chemistry with is the one who is good for me,
    and life is too dang short for BS and manipulative games, but i have time for fun games.

    I like your moxie!


  265.  #265Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 8:51 am

    On the other hand, Daria often says that if a thought feels bad, then it’s not true. So maybe none of that is true. Maybe I should do “the work” on it. I don’t know how.

  266.  #266Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 8:52 am

    I mean, the man I have chemistry with is also the one who is not too toxic…good for me

  267.  #267tinque on April 22, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Does anyone here live in Georgia?


  268.  #268Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 8:55 am


    RE: #248 – I appreciate your self-awareness. Wording things is of big concern to us here on Siren Island…that’s why we use feeling messages. 😆 I wonder what Rori would recommend for a man to say to word things more gently? 🙂

    But I agree with the other ladies…I don’t think what you said to K was too harsh, either. Of course, she would be the one to really know. I find your manner very gentle and respectful.

  269.  #269Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 8:56 am


    RE: #267 – Why? Just curious.

  270.  #270Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 8:56 am

    I do know that many experts say that those choices (frequent onesomes while in a relationship) are indicative of the individual having intimacy issues. So I could just make sure I pick a man who can do intimacy and do it well.

  271.  #271Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 8:58 am


    RE: #263 – I know you are being serious, but I’m laffing over here a couple towns away! You are sounding like Katarina! Hey Katarina! We’re talking bout sex over here (that is the magic call to get her to appear…watch! LOL!).

    This is just one conversation. Maybe God will match you up with a nympho! That’s what I’m banking on! 😆

  272.  #272Mercedes on April 22, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I can count on one hand (and have spare fingers) the number of times I’ve been described this way:

    “But I still feel like I didn’t find the right words, that I was too harsh and direct. I think Mercedes and Sweetmandm made their points in a much more positive way.” 🙂

    Much Love,

  273.  #273Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:00 am


    RE: #270 – I agree with Lurker, Tinque, and others who say it’s just normal alone time activity to destress, enjoy…I don’t see anything wrong with it.

  274.  #274The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Mercedes, did J let you now that he wouldn’t give up, that he would fight to get back into your arms? Should Kaitlyn tell Adam she would like him to hold out for her? Or would that be too much leaning forward, what do you think?

    Btw, this reminds me of a Jackson Browne song I love: Hold on, hold out

  275.  #275Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:01 am


    RE: #272 – LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! You’re heart’s in the right place…that’s what counts! 😆 Hugs!

  276.  #276Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Ewww, I misspelled “your”. Boomer? Sweetpea? I need the grammar police!

  277.  #277Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Lucy I have to tell you that I have at least one friend who says she groans when her husband calls her for sex. She says sometimes she is too exausted after a day of work and cooking. I also have a male friend who suggests his wife can’t keep up with him. I think it goes both ways and maybe we should set our intentions for getting a man whose libido is in sync with ours or at least close enough to be satisfying. What do you think?

  278.  #278Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 9:05 am

    261 Ella, me too!!!

  279.  #279Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Brenda, I feel misunderstood. I didn’t say there was something “wrong” with it.

  280.  #280Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Brenda, yes I’ve been wondering why Katarina isn’t apparating into this convo! She’s got the right idea methinks – having two lovers. Same with TN man’s gf – she’s got two men now too.

  281.  #281Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Lucy please pardon my butting in but I don’t see where it was suggested that you said something wrong. It might just not be the best choice of words but the comment was an “I” focussed, not a “you” focussed comment. Could it possible that you might be taking it too personal?

  282.  #282Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:13 am


    RE: #259 – LOL! Love it! 😆 Or then there are the men who think sex means shoving their dick in your face. Ooh, I hate that! Several men have told me head is their favorite “position”. It’s so self-centered when that’s ALL they want.

    Tinque, we’re talking smut again! Yay! LOL!

  283.  #283Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 9:14 am


    Please disregard everything you have been told by others. Sorry but they seem to me to be responding from their triggered emotions, like “how dare he think it is OK to masturbate instead of want me.” or “How dare he demand that I be OK with microwave sex.”

    Sorry, but it seems I have been paying better attention to the details.

    Here are the facts.

    #1 you have said before that you two recently moved there and that he just started a new job after graduating from college. Do I have that right? If so, this is a huge clue.

    #2 you said he is masturbating in the shower and looks at porn for his sexual release. Is this correct? if so this is a huge clue.

    These two together point directly to the fact that his new job has him feeling overwhelmed. Forget the cutthroat attitudes many seem to have. The question here, is your husband only there to meet your immediate needs, or are you with him through thick and thin?

    I personally would like more details. Often, shortly after graduating, you get to your new job and find out that it is way more stressful than school was because you not only have to work, but you find out that you don’t know everything you need to know. You are now both an employee and a student.

    I think this can be very stressful for everyone but at times, it can be very very stressful depending on the situation, who you have for a boss, what it is that you do…all kinds of variables can figure in here. But it appears that your husband is one of those that isn’t just feeling the stress, he is feeling overwhelmed by it. Maybe even afraid…afraid that he is going to fail.

    In no way am I saying that you have to be OK with microwave sex for life. Nor am I saying that you should just put up with this and not try to make a positive change. The question is, do you want to get through this with as little blood letting as possible? If so, the key here is “no pressure.”

    I agree with the others that you need to lean back regarding sex. Especially after reading your response to me. He is still seeing any hint or advance as pressure.

    As far as him having an affair, I seriously doubt it based on the facts that you have given, I think that is the last thing he wants right now. Why would a man under a lot of pressure want to add to that by having an affair. If many of your facts were different, i might also believe that he is, but your facts point to a man that is overwhelmed by stress.

    You asked how you get through this. Simple answer…time. He will eventually learn the ropes at work, feel more confident, feel less stressed, etc… you simply have to see him through this time period.

    My wife did not understand this and so did not know how to handle it. So things were not as smooth as they could have been.

    You have to view this like a cold. There is no cure for a cold. All you can do is do things to make it less painful…less uncomfortable until the cold clears up on it’s own.

    I suggested things that you can do to get him to have sex. With your added input, I want to amend that. It felt like you were irritated that he “valued his precious sleep on weekdays.”

    I would suggest that you try not to take any of this personal. understand that this has nothing to do with rejection of you. The man is overwhelmed by stress and likely very fearful, and questioning his manhood as a result of not feeling comfortable at work. he is doubting his ability to be the man you need, or the man he wants to be for you.

    Remove any and all pressure to have sex during the week. Don’t even hint that you are interested. Allow him his sleep.

    On the weekends, try something different. If initiating sex in the morning works, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, lean all the way back and don’t initiate it at all. However, you will defeat this entire thing if you then also make him aware that you are not happy about doing this. This is not a time to make him feel your pain. This just adds pressure…and resentment on his part. This will turn into a scar that will rub between the two of you for a long time.

    I do need more details. What did the two of you do just to get away when you were dating, or very early in your marriage, like when he was in school.

    I would suggest something low keyed. And do all of the planning yourself. Maybe a weekend getaway at a Bed and Breakfast. Believe it or not, many men I know enjoy this. but it has to be low stress. I learned this valuable lesson about getaways from my wife once.

    We had planned one, and I had all these things I had put on the itinerary. Nothing seemed to go right. I was getting mad about that and my wife finally stopped me as we were walking along and said, “Can’t you just enjoy yourself by being here with me?”

    WOW did that shock me into the reality of the situation. She was right. What was the point of a getaway if you were going to make it so stressful, you needed to get back home just to recuperate. And what good is spending that money if you let everything that goes wrong ruin the getaway?

    So THE ONLY THING that you have planned for the getaway would be to go to the B&B. Everything else is spur of the moment. Don’t ask for his input unless he offers it. For instance, pick out several brochures of things that look interesting, especially if you think it is something he would like to do. like maybe a naval museum or NFL hall of fame, or whatever is nearby and he is into.

    Now, here’s what you do with them. Take them to the room, and say, “OK, after we eat dinner, we can come back here to the room and just relax, or we can take in a local attraction. an out the brochures so he can see them. You need to be able to read him a little bit here. If he shows a lot of interest in one or two, but refuses to make the decision, try to read which one you think he was interested in and YOU make the call.

    If he seems interested in going out but shows no interest in choosing, you can just choose one, or, if the B&B is right in the middle of a lot of attractions within short walking distance, just say, “Let’s go for a walk.” You might walk past one that he says, “Hey, let’s check this out.” If walking distance isn’t possible, just go for a drive and the same thing might happen.

    The key here is to do whatever is the least stressful for him. The idea really is for this to be for him to recharge his batteries so that he is more refreshed at work, which is going to help him get through this rough period faster.

    So I really am thinking that a weekend away in a B&B with nothing at all planned, and no pressure to find anything to do is in order.

    Camping works great also but try to find something away from other people. Many campgrounds offer campsites that you have to to hike to and they offer no amenities at all. Not really something you want to do unless you do your homework, and have the gear you will need. If you can do it, it really is no stress whatsoever. You just have to be OK with roughing it a bit. Only you can decide if this would be OK.

    If roughing it isn’t an option, there are established campsites that do have modern facilities. If you can get to Western North Carolina to the Blue Ridge Parkway, I would recommend a campsite I used.


    It will ask you to download something called “Silverlight” which is made by Microsoft so it is 100% safe and virus free. This simply allows an interactive map to be displayed. This map will show you campsites that are available and which are reserved for the time period you wish to reserve.

    This campsite is the highest elevation of all of the U.S. Forest Service operates and just 2 summers ago, the bathroom/shower facilities had just been opened. They were immaculate.

    On the map you will see two large loops with sub-loops. The one to the left is RV camping. The one to the right has loop C and loop D. On the left side of loop C you will see a campsite labeled C28. That is the site we used and it is AWESOME. You feel very isolated even though you really aren’t. Looking at the map will help you understand why.

    It is a very short walk to that bathroom/shower facility. We absolutely loved our time there. And there is a lot to do either by just walking the trails, some of which get you to the top of the mountain for spectacular views, and by driving, you are not far from several great attractions.

    Biltmore Estate is not far away which is thee largest mansion in the U.S. and was built by Mr. Vanderbilt. This man was also responsible for the birth of the U.S. Forest Service so just short drive in the other direction is “The Cradle of Forestry” which is a great low stress and enjoyable activity.

    For more adventure, on the way to that, you will pass something called “Sliding Rock” which is also run by the U.S. Forest Service. It costs $1 per car to get in. Take a modest bathing suit. It is an amazing natural water slide. It is totally exhilarating and I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.

    There are a good number of waterfalls to enjoy in the area and one of them is the waterfall that was used in Last of the Mohicans. It is the one they hid behind.

    There are also a lot of attractions with in an hour or two drive away. We went to another campsite later that had the best mountain biking trails in the area and is a huge draw for that reason. Lot’s of inner toobing in the area also. You rent a toob and simple ride it down the river until you get to a spot where they take you out.

    I can’t recommend this area enough for relaxing and having fun.

    But IMHO, this is what your husband needs. To get out and have fun WHILE at the same time relaxing with no stress.

    At some point, I would also sit down and just talk with him, but it has to be in a non-confrontational way. Allow him to be the one that talks first.

    Use something as an object. Only the person with the object gets to talk. So here is how it will work. You hand him the object and tell him that you want him to being up anything he wants to talk about regarding home or at work. You really want to talk about both eventually.

    Now, if he will do this, then all you do is listen. he is to only say “I” and never “YOU”. I mean he can say, “I am afraid that you won’t love me.” He can’t say, “You won’t love me.” See what I mean.

    Now, as you listen, it is important to remember that when he hands you the object, you don’t offer a rebuttal. All you are allowed to do is repeat back what he says. If you have the ability, you can paraphrase. You then hand it back and he will say that you have understood what he was getting at or he will highlight and or explain what you didn’t. he then hands the object back and you repeat what he added.

    This is important because our natural instinct when listening is to start formulating our rebuttal and so we often miss important detail or never really see it from their point of view. having to repeat back stops that rebuttal process and makes you focus on what they are saying.

    When he is sure you have it all, now is the time for him to hand you the object for you to offer your response. Again, you are not allowed to say “YOU”, only “I.”

    Your “rebuttal” isn’t so much a rebuttal as it is your chance to help reach an understanding.

    For instance, if he basically said that he doesn’t feel that you respect him, you don’t say, “You are wrong, I do respect you.” You would say, “I am sorry that I don’t make you feel respected because I do respect you. I would like to know what I can do to make you feel respected, and what it is that I do or don’t do that makes you feel that I don’t respect you.”

    At this point you may hand the object back and it starts over. He talks, you repeat back until he feels you understand his points, and then you get to address them.

    Don’t try to solve every problem in one day. Don’t wear yourselves out.

    The first time my wife and I did this, I was so not wanting to go see the marriage counselor. But he had us do this, and I got to go first. My wife ended up crying because she said she never really understood my concerns and now realized how selfish she was being and how hurtful she had been. She had only been seeing it from her point of view.

    We both learned a lot using this tool.

    The point here is for you to get a chance to find out what is bothering him about work. He is likely carrying this burden alone and it will go a long way to solving the problems if he can talk to you about his fears and anguish. I think he is trying to be the “solid rock” that he thinks he is supposed to be.

    What you want to let him know is that you love him, and you are willing to stand by him no matter what. He needs to know this even if he doesn’t admit it. he needs to hear from you that you love him, not his job and that you will love and respect him no matter what he does in life. He needs to know that you will give him any space he needs, and support him in any way he needs.

    One last bit of advice, don’t do any talking about the future, as in what kind of house you want in the future…kids…etc… If he is dealing with fear that he will fail at his job, this will only add pressure. It should be self explanatory as to why.

    Anyway, this is getting long so I’ll cut it here. Just remember that if this is all job related, which I think it is, the best thing you can do is remove any and all pressure. This time will pass and your marriage will be stronger as a result.

    Lean back and spend time on yourself. Go to the gym. If it has positive visual results, it will likely get his attention, but that isn’t your goal. The goal is to feel better about yourself. Remember, his actions, while feeling like rejection, have nothing at all to do with that. NOTHING.

  284.  #284Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:15 am


    RE: #270 – You said, “I do know that many experts say that those choices (frequent onesomes while in a relationship) are indicative of the individual having intimacy issues.”

    Isn’t intimacy issues something wrong with it?

  285.  #285Mercedes on April 22, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Lurker: J was perfect with what he said. At first all I heard was “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” but later, those words were still in my heart. He said:

    “I know you can’t imagine ever being with me again and I understand why. Please don’t totally slam the door on us. I’m taking my time, but I want to be the man you fell in love with. I think I am, but I need to find him.”

    My answer was not quite so sweet:

    “YOU slammed the door on us, not ME!”

    Harsh. Yeah. But I was pissed!

    Later…he found that man. Maybe my harsh words were his push? He does love a challenge. LOL

    And yes…if she tells him she’s not giving up, it’ll be a turnoff (based only on how I would feel) but telling him she’s going to become the person he once loved…that’s taking full responsibility and telling straight up “I’ve got a lot of work to do and I know it.” In addition it says “I value your opinion and I want to be someone a person like you could love.”

    Much Love,

  286.  #286Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 9:16 am

    That’s a great question, Lurker,
    I hope Ms. M answers it
    and thank you thank you for that Jackson Browne vid,
    seen him in concert twice, love him to death


  287.  #287Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

    277 FP, thank you. That intention feels like a good solution! I intend to have a husband who shares a mutual enjoyment of twosomes with me. What do you think, FP? Any tweaking on that? Thanks! I feel better bc of your words.

  288.  #288Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:20 am

    RE 285 That is a lot of wisdom. I will hold it close to my heart.

  289.  #289Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 9:22 am


    RE: #258 – Ryan hasn’t been around for 1.5 years. I can say, “Where’s your friend, Ryan?” and my dogs will still look around expectantly. 🙁

  290.  #290Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:23 am

    RE 287 No tweaking. Thank you too for bringing it to my consciousness because it is the first time I am focussing on that. Jeannette’s situation helped me to understand that I need to be clear and specific on what I want and ask for. I feel the pain and my heart goes out to them but it has helped me to get to take some steps forward in clarifying my intention.

  291.  #291The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Folks, here’s a link with some interesting charts about sex, including masturbation frequency, and the relationship between sexual desire, age, and, uh, weight:


    I also want to raise the point that a lesser sexual desire may not only come from physical exhaustion, but from mental fatigue, too. After all, the mind is the most powerful factor when it comes to sex! And you ladies know very well that you have to be in the right mood first. Well, that’s true, to a lesser degree, maybe, for men, too. It’s difficult to focus on emotions and sensations when you have dire problems in your mind. It’s about the same as having difficulty with falling asleep. Other thoughts may keep popping up, distracting you…

    So, Mel may want to ask her hubby if all is going well at the job, or if the has problems there. Just an idea.

  292.  #292Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 9:23 am

    I love it here. It is really helping me get through a rough patch. Like some of the others, I have been brought to tears from reading here the past few days, and also feel like I am on the brink of some great breakthrough personally and professionally.
    Thank you to everyone!


  293.  #293tinque on April 22, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Yes I see Brenda.


  294.  #294Elizabeth on April 22, 2011 at 9:26 am


    Thanks, Brenda,
    that makes me feel better 🙂

  295.  #295Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 9:29 am

    284. Brenda, in my opinion, no. They are completely different concepts.

  296.  #296Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:30 am

    RE 283 Wow Rusty I have to say I am impressed by most of that advice. If I were in here position I definitely would try it on.

  297.  #297Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 9:33 am

    206: The Lurker says:

    “Ok, I wanted to keep out for a while, but I think there’s one point here in the discussion that has to be corrected: Most males, including those in relationships, engage in masturbation regularly! Afaik that fact is known since the Hite report. So, come on, ladies, don’t interprete too much into this! It’s totally normal and not a sign that the guy is disinterested in having sex with you. Ok?”

    100% correct and it has ZERO to do with the woman at all. Maybe women can’t relate as much because while women may feel some responsibility for their partner’s enjoyment of sex, for men it cuts right to their core of their manhood. Masturbation in a relationship is nothing more than “ME TIME” as I have said in previous posts. You get to be alone with your fantasies and concentrate only on your own pleasure. ZERO pressure to “perform.” In short, it’s not so much exciting as it is relaxing.

    Bending you over the couch, spanking you and making you call us Daddy, now that’s exciting. 😉 😛

  298.  #298The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 9:36 am

    “Bending you over the couch, spanking you and making you call us Daddy, now that’s exciting.”

    Hehehe, Rusty! Yup, you’re right, that was a real thrill when…uh….hmm…no comment.

  299.  #299Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Lucy I have to admit that I have heard Dr. Paul suggests that people go in and out of codependence and interdependence when the boundary is strong. Can you identify with that? I suspect that is the reason onesomes and twosomes could be okay. Plus if it is a common situation, the question for me is how do I allow the safe space for it? That is just me. I feel balance is important when there is differences of opinions.

  300.  #300Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Rusty this is my curiousity getting the better of me, what do you think about a woman masturbating in front of you?

  301.  #301islandgirl on April 22, 2011 at 9:42 am

    turquoise3 – 143 – At least they were hanging out outside 😉

  302.  #302islandgirl on April 22, 2011 at 9:43 am

    oops! I meant 243

  303.  #303Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:50 am

    islandgirl sometimes in our quest to protect our young ones from hurt, we miss those small details that could make a big difference. My daughter tells me I am over protective.

  304.  #304Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Mel I just remembered hearing a coach, Katherine Scott, say sex is usually not the issue. Many times it is only 5% but when there are other issues that is one of the first things to go. When the issue is resolved then sex is no longer an issue. I believe I also pointed out to you before that Rori had mentioned about asking him if he is angry when sex goes. Maybe focussing on sex is the wrong thing to do. What do you think?

  305.  #305Ella on April 22, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Please can I have a super sexy, big strong man who loves me and is good for me and I feel attracted to?

    With cherries on top.

    Send him to me please.

  306.  #306Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 9:58 am


    In regards to your question about getting a man comfortable with masturbating in front of you…well, I had a girlfriend once who just came right out and told me that it turned her on to watch a guy do that.

    I was like, “No way!” She said, “OH yeah, it gets me hot.” And the whole time she is making eye contact with me in a very seductive, smoldering kind of way. I mean she was on fire. She knew how to bring the hot and sexy smoldering look and it worked. I was like, “Well alrighty then…let me think about it a second…SURE. When do you want to do it, I vote for now!” 😛

    We had a lot of fun with that and had no problems with putting on a show either. We had AWESOME sex.

    I came to learn that a lot of women like this. And get this…totally funny situation. I was dating this girl who was totally teasing me…getting me all hot and bothered but not putting out.

    Finally one night, we were at my place on the couch and she got me worked up once again. Then tells me she isn’t going to have sex. So I said, “Well screw it, I’m going to have an orgasm one way or another. I unzipped, pulled it out and started going to town.

    She was like, OMG, I can’t believe you are doing that right in front of me. Why are you doing that right in front of me.

    ME: “Because it feels awesome!”

    Her: “OMG! I can’t believe this!”

    A couple of minutes go by and she is just sitting there watching me but making no move to leave. Then she takes over for me while making a compliment about the equipment.

    Her: “This doesn’t change anything…I’m not having sex with you.”

    A couple of minutes later she starts going down on me.

    Me: *Smiling like a Cheshire Cat*

    She stops and says, “I’m serious, I am not going all the say with you.”

    Me: “Whatever you say.”

    For those interested, I made us omelets and pancakes in the morning. 😉 LOL

    Now what is totally funny to me is that she let this all slip out at a party a couple of weeks later, when she was drinking, and everyone thought it was a riot. One of my friends yelled out, “Rusty WINS!….FOREVER!!!” To which everyone started busting out laughing again.

    Anyway, sorry, your question brought all of this back to me. But to answer your question, I think it depends on the guy. Some might feel so freaked out about anyone seeing them, that nothing will change that, but I think that is rare. I think a lot of guys would respond positively, as I did, when the girl just lets him know that it really turns her on.

    Maybe even start off by first just giving him a hand-job. I suggest a good lube. Buy both silicone and water based. It’s a preference thing. Seems some guys prefer silicone, while others like me can’t stand it and prefer water based. Re-wet frequently to avoid discomfort.

    After doing this a few times, maybe then tell him that it would really really turn you on to see him do it. But curl up to him on the side opposite the hand he will use and touch and caress his chest and things like that.

    After this is established, you might be able to get him to talk about things he fantasizes about while doing this.

    You never know what he will say then. 😉

  307.  #307Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 9:59 am

    RE 305 (((((((((((((((((((((Ella))))))))))))))))))))))))

    I believe you are working on being that yourself, with all the Zumba and all. I believe you can vibrationally attract that and match it with the feminine equivalent that create the balance. I feel it, I feel it, I feel it.

  308.  #308Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 10:02 am

    300: Femininepower says:

    “Rusty this is my curiousity getting the better of me, what do you think about a woman masturbating in front of you?”

    Is there a straight man alive that wouldn’t enjoy this? I say no!

    I love it. Sometimes I just want to sit back and watch. Other times, I might participate with her by doing other things for and with her. Like kissing, touching, sucking on “things” etc…

    I sometimes even give her arm a rest for a but and take over for her. one woman I know needed me to do the finishing because she said it got so intense, she couldn’t continue doing it herself.

  309.  #309Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 10:02 am

    FP, yes, onesomes are cool as long as both people are sexually fulfilled as a whole within the relationship. I think many men would be unhappy if their wife was masturbating frequently (in private) while rejecting his advances and desire for sex with her.

  310.  #310Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Thanks Rusty. I also appreciate sharing that experience because it shows how people see things differently. Rusty wins forever was really interesting, especially seeing she was the one who chose to publicize the experience. I would have suggested that she won seeing despite it all she held out on you. Very interesting. I guess our sexual organ is not necessarily the ultimate prize?

  311.  #311Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Ooooohhhh Rusty.

  312.  #312tinque on April 22, 2011 at 10:11 am

    “what do you think about a woman masturbating in front of you?”

    I’ve told you ladies many times. Men LOVE this. And I love to do it. But it took awhile to not feel weird or self-conscious. Once you get past that, it can be such a turn on for you too.

    K gets right down there sometimes for a close up view.

    Okay someone is going to get “attacked” tonight when he gets home. lol


  313.  #313mariposa0825 on April 22, 2011 at 10:12 am

    @ Turquoise3…..You have blown what I said way out of proportion. Lets get to the facts about it.

    1. You posted the comment to allow to Martine to see the possible viewpoint of the ex that is still getting attention from her former beau.
    2. In your original post you stated that your ex’s fiance could get upset about a lot more than text messaging between the two of you, that he continued to do personal favors for you, and that your ex only kept his hands to himself when you were seeing other people.
    3. That you did not feel responsible for any problems in his relationships.

    I did not agree with the last comment and specifically said that I felt you enjoyed knowing that you still had a hold on him (chemistry) and was going to continue the flirting, texting, or whatever despite how it may make the fiance feel. I never said that you slept with him (only that some sort of physical relationship ie. kissing, hugging, and other emotional displays were going on because that is what YOU insinuated) because you never specifically said you did. Nor did I ever say you did it bc of a new blow dryer or money or favors or whatever. Never called you a user, and never called you a cheater. I called HIM the cheater and master manipulator of the situation and said that your participation was manipulative in and of itself.

    You say that you expected to be criticized for the post, so obviously you thought everyone would not agree with your behavior. And yet…..this is how you respond to criticism? Not buying it and not allowing anyone to make me feel bad about my subjective criticism of a post. Stated my opinion from the post you made and no I don’t know the details cause you did not give them until later. And if you don’t care what I think……why keep commenting about it and explaining yourself?

  314.  #314Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 10:18 am


    On that website, i forgot to note that you click on the tab that says “Facility Map” and it will ask you to download Silverlight. After you install it with a few simple clicks, it will tell you to restart your browser.

    Just check out the website, but if after doing this, you think this is too far away, use the main site to find out where they have a campsite nearby.

    Enjoy ding the research. It can be fun and educational. Google for attractions in your area or the area of your chosen destination.

    Turn this into an adventure and it will lift your spirits also and make you feel much better about yourself.

    The idea here is to have fun, not add pressure to either you or him. Fun and relaxation is what you both need.

    Have fun and keep me posted.

  315.  #315Ella on April 22, 2011 at 10:18 am


    Thanks I really needed that hug!

    🙂 xoxox

  316.  #316Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Mariposa0825 marriage studies show that criticism is one of the top reasons couples separate. In a nutshell no one likes to be criticized and so it is a trigger for the majority of humanity. When my own kids lash out at me in anger after being criticized, though it might be disrespectful, I measure my response. I even apologize to them. Criticism is not one of the things that bring out the best in people.

  317.  #317Ella on April 22, 2011 at 10:26 am


    I had exactly the same problem in my last relationship but worse! ie; he would never sleep with me in the end and I ended up overfunctioning and feeling rejected, confused and awful.


    Sexless relationships can be that way for many reasons and men are not robots ie sex can also be tied in with their emotions.

    But you are still being intimate and there is hope.

    Although I ended my relationship in the end because I couldn’t take it (this was pre Rori and I have often wondered what may have happened if I had found Rori before I ended it, but it wasn’t meant to be in this case).

    There is definitely hope for you and your hubby and already you are having some success by using Rori’s tools from what I hav read.

    There is an e-book which I found helpful… I can’t remember the exact title but it was something like ‘fix your sexless marriage’.

    If you google sexless marraige it should come up.

    I found the book useful bc it soothes you and helps you approach the issue without blame or guilt.

    I think it would comlement Rori’s work.

    Good luck hon.


  318.  #318Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

    tinque I know. I couldn’t help myself in wanting to hear a real live male voice on the issue though I do trust your voice on it. It was my first time bringing it up to a male, so yes it was “practice” in a safe space for me in preparing to ask it of a real live man in front of me. It is not a subject I have been comfortable with in the past to bring up to a man so now I am out of my comfort zone. Wait I did discuss it with a man on the phone about him doing it on himself. Now I guess it is time to ask the other question. Wow, I can already feel my trepidation just thinking about it.

  319.  #319Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

    310: Femininepower says:

    “Thanks Rusty. I also appreciate sharing that experience because it shows how people see things differently. Rusty wins forever was really interesting, especially seeing she was the one who chose to publicize the experience. I would have suggested that she won seeing despite it all she held out on you. Very interesting. I guess our sexual organ is not necessarily the ultimate prize?”

    Yeah, it was really funny and what is even more funny is that I was the one that was embarassed that she was bringing it up.

    Somebody said something about masturbation and she just blurts out “OMG, you will never believe what happened…we were making out and I said i wasn’t going to sleep with him and….” she proceeded to tell EVERYTHING!

    So now I was like, “WHO ARE YOU? Two weeks ago you were holding out and today you are Dr. Ruth, spilling all the beans?”

    I do get a chuckle out of my friends hollering that out and everyone laughing about it, and then of course, we ended up separating into groups with the girls pressing her for more details and the guys pressing me for more.

    It’s funny that everyone pas slapping me on the back and some of them saying, “I’m taking notes, I got to remember that one. Maybe I’ll use it with so and so.” LOL

    This was when I was in my mid-late-twenties and she was a couple of years younger than me.

  320.  #320The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

    “Is there a straight man alive that wouldn’t enjoy this? I say no!”

    Right! Can’t imagine anybody who wouldn’t. Even prude religious fundamentalists would be turned on, even if they pretend otherwise…

    But another point: It may only be a prejudice, but imho someone who really doesn’t masturbate, or feels guilty about this, can’t be really good at sex. What do you think?

  321.  #321mariposa0825 on April 22, 2011 at 10:29 am

    @ Darling Ella…..thank you for Hallelujah compliment and yes I am a straightforward person, that is true. You were correct about me using the word divorce in my original post about this article. That probably was too harsh and I should have said maybe temporarily separate instead, or something similar. Please let me clarify something I should have made clear in the original post….I was not advocating divorce, but rather stating that worrying about the possibility of infidelity or whatever the concern is not worth worrying about unless a woman, any woman, is ready to leave IF THAT IS THE TRUTH. What I am trying to say is “dont look for dirt under the rug unless you are going to sweep it out of the house” if you can tell what I mean by that statement. Once again I will say, I am not %100 certain of anything in regards to that matter, only stating my opinion and experience.

    Your advice I will say was better than mine and had me ROTFLMFAO!!!!!! Take his credit card, book a vacation, leave unannounced with a note saying I feel disrespected and mistreated, and then relax! Priceless!!!! Rori should get your permission to clip that comment and post it on a following blog.

    @Rosa 205 Im sorry about your situation but hey, I think another blogger said it here, a man’s rejection is god’s protection. And I do agree with Rusty on one thing as it pertains to both situations…..it is about HIM not YOU so don’t take it personal and take care of yourself 🙂

  322.  #322Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Okay…I guess the gravity boots didn’t work for RM… haven’t heard a word from him since he left… true story…

    Oh and I have leaned forward… which is funny to say…cause I didn’t really feel like it was leaning forward when I did it (sent a couple texts not expecting a text response but a phone call eventually then this am left a message saying that I was coming to the town between us to drop of stuff to customers either today or tomorrow and that I’d even consider coming to see him if I were still invited.. but that I was going to assume that he thought “we weren’t each other’s cup a tea” if I didn’t hear from him…

    I didn’t feel needy or in need of an outcome until I felt guilty for being “breaking the rules” by being the one to make contact… Then I felt needy and bad…guilty.. like I shouldn’t have done that.. I’m rowing the boat..EEEKKKKK!!!!!!! but didn’t feel bad before… so IDK if I was rock star or not…

    I’ve felt really peaceful for the most part.. Kinda “it is what it is” that is until I hear people say the stuff about knowing that the next guy will be better… I don’t have that knowing… no matter that I can look back and see that they are getting better..That belief is still my challenge..

    I’ve been honestly having moments of enjoying/appreciating the “wait”… the knowing something good is coming..

    but today I fell off my stilettos after I started feeling bad for calling.. then I felt bad for not hearing from him.. I mean seriously… NO MAN not even the biggest poofer didn’t call at least the day of/after sex…lmao…

    But I didn’t feel bad until I told myself that story!… I really like him and I know he really liked me…what’s the problem?

    Well… then I get back to the waiting/wanting loop… I’m tired of waiting.. I’m tired of wanting.. I’m tired of working on myself so that I can have a good relationship.. I’m tired of working on myself ALONE so I can have a good relationship..I’m tired of drive-by men… I want a man I can see more than once….

    I had fun w/RM the other night.. I want more fun..Fun LIKE THAT w/a grown up man.. not just fun w/my kids or my cousins.. I’m doing that.. I’m loving that.. I’m accepting that… can I just move the F on to something more!!!!!

    Okay… just an update and a vent…Thank you..lol

  323.  #323Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Lurker you might be right, I have never thought about it in those terms but who knows maybe some of the guys I have dated might have the same thoughts. I am now feeling that it is definitely a topic for discussion.

  324.  #324mariposa0825 on April 22, 2011 at 10:33 am

    @ Lurker….just saw your post and you are right. Contrary to popular religious teachings, masturbation allows it to be easier for men to withhold their ejaculate and easier for women to have an orgasm. Just keep it to a minimum 🙂

  325.  #325mali on April 22, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Re Ella: 305
    Awww! <3 I hope he's being dispatched right this minute, and with icing on top!! 🙂

  326.  #326Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 10:36 am

    312: tinque says:

    “what do you think about a woman masturbating in front of you?”

    I’ve told you ladies many times. Men LOVE this. And I love to do it. But it took awhile to not feel weird or self-conscious. Once you get past that, it can be such a turn on for you too.

    tinque, would you agree that by having the person watching actually curled up with you and touching and caressing, makes it feel less weird at least to start?

    I know it did for me. Heck, eventually i got so used to it though, i could have performed for a Bachelorette party. 😉 I know because I had one girlfriend ask me to do it and I said sure.

    It was a safe environment for me though because she was going home hundreds of miles away to set it up for her best friend. It never happened though because a few of the girls said they weren’t comfortable with it.

    About 25 to 30 girls attended according to her so had I done it, I have the feeling that afterwords, I would have had ended up writing something that started off like this.

    “Dear Penthouse Forum….You will never believe what happened to me the other day!” LOL

    Like I have said before, I am not exactly innocent. Just reformed. 😉

  327.  #327Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Whatever happened to LD and lilybelle?

  328.  #328Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Oh and on a completely unrelated note I had a 2 hr convo w/ lawmancowboy yesterday.. he’d been mentioning me then finally calling out to me on his blog and diary so i said he could call..

    I had a weak moment about a month ago and sent him a text that said something like “some days it’s all I can do not to say I miss you”… I never heard a word from him..

    then yesterday I went on FB to send a message saying I’d sent a text that he could call me.. and there was a message on there in response to the text last month.. saying he missed me too.. my words…

    Get this… I NEVER got an email notice from FB saying I had that message.. I NEVER got the little red thing on FB telling me I had a message!!!!!

    Gave me goosebumps yesterday.How weird is that? I could have gotten sucked back into him then I was still hooked… but now? I honestly and truly don’t give a flying rat’s patootie…

    All I had to talk to him about yesterday was The Work… it wasn’t what he was wanting… but I wouldn’t go anywhere else… no desire…ICK!

    Yay me!


  329.  #329Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I have RM to thank for that last post… he’s got the goods LMCB had PLUS good moral character and a decent heart… even if Earth time has no meaning and he gets caught in “time warps” as he calls him…and may never return from the one he’s in now.. He showed me that I what I want does exist…..now to just believe that it exists in yet ANOTHER body…That is my struggle w/doubt..

  330.  #330Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:42 am

    PG “rat’s patootie”, hilarious. “No desire……ICK” Is this your heart closing out someone? I assume there might be some past hurt but just thought I should ask.

  331.  #331Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:43 am

    hmmm… any thoughts sirens? I can see that they are getting better yet have NO FAITH that there will ever be another as good…WTF?
    I think it boils down to thinking I have to know it all. know where he would come from… have to think I know how it would happen or else it can’t happen…

  332.  #332Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:46 am

    RE 331 sounds to me like trying to control the outcome and a need to explore the belief system. I might be wrong though.

  333.  #333Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

    @ Kaitlyn
    OK, first I want to apologize for missing what you said in the previous thread. Second, I want to tell you that I think a good man will love you as you are, though the infidelity would be hard for them to get past.

    But you said that this happened because of several reasons but mostly because of your inability to feel like you were worthy of his love. In a nutshell. I personally think you are wrong on this. Every one of us has strengths and weaknesses and not one of us are perfect. Almost every one of us has made a mistake or three in our lives. Live and learn. A good man will be forgiving.

    As for your past as an escort. Excuse me but I seem to remember that Mary Magdalene had been a prostitute and Jesus told her that there were many fine women in the world but none finer than her. If Jesus can forgive and love, then that is good enough for me. But I do hope you realize that it is a bit much to ask a man to accept you doing it while in a relationship.

    I have to admit that I am very thankful that I got to read your thoughts because I often saw how some women who had worked in the sex industry had trouble in relationships and I usually saw it as a problem with how they viewed men. Either they thought of all men as pigs, or they simple saw them as somebody to use to get what they want. I never realized that for many, it might simply be a case that they beat themselves up, that they don’t feel they deserve to be loved. I am here to tell you that you do deserve to be loved. And if you will allow a man to do so, I think you will be able to find a good man to do just that.

    However, I did read something where you had some conditions on what kind of man you want. Wouldn’t it just be better if you find a man that just loves you for you? Does he have to be loaded? Rich? Famous? “Brilliant?” Does he really have to be edgy? Isn’t just being a good man enough? Or is it just enough that he is a good hearted man that would cherish you for the rest of your life. That would see you as somebody worth loving, and show you that you are worth that love?

    My advice would be to take your laundry list of things that a guy must be if he is to be your man and tear it up. Then write a new one. On this list, the only thing I would have there is that the man love and cherish you, and that he be kind and forgiving, that he not care about your past and only care about the love that you two can share. And when he does this, when he loves you, and he tells you he does and he shows you that he does, just accept that he means it and that if you weren’t worthy of that love, then he wouldn’t love you. If I were that man and you told me that you feared that you weren’t worthy of my love, I would probably ask you when it became your job to decide who was worthy of my love. I would tell you that it is up to me to decide who is worthy of my love since it is mine to give, and so I decide that you are worthy.

    If you want true love, you are going to have to take some of those walls down. Allow a man to love you. I have the feeling that if you could do this, you would make a great woman to have because I get the feeling that you are very kind and loving when you are not beating yourself up. Let a man experience that wonderful gift you have to offer.

    As to him “liking” your photo. That is a positive. If he had no feeling left for you, and no interest, he wouldn’t have done that. I am sure of that.

    Maybe what you can do is just play it cool for a little while. be friendly but don’t pursue. When he makes a forward move, and he wants to talk, let him know that you feel that what you did was a huge mistake and that you really do regret it. let him know that you have learned from it, that you know you can’t do that, and separate your feelings away. That it bothered that you did it when you did it and that this helps you confidently say that you could never allow yourself to do it again.

  334.  #334Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

    FP… lawmancowboy was the one that was attracted to my words.. He’s the one I wrote about on my blog and called “the voice”… he dumped me like a hot potato when I was hurt by his bleeding all over me about other women being hurt.. he cared about everyone elses feelings but mine then blamed me when I got upset and hung up on my.. Still blames me..
    Not closing off… just not letting in to screw w/my head… he LOVE pushing women’s envelopes and playing w/their heads.. I’ve outgrown the need to get a narcissist/player to love me… choose me…
    Wow… I’m proud of me… I want a man who LOVES me…period.. sees me and gets me… mmmm… yum
    Not just what I can do for him/how I can make him feel… LMCB was all about how he feels and only wants people to make him feel good.. he uses his past heartbreak to keep us in line… don’t be upset whow he behaves…he’s heartbroken and bleeding ya know…
    whew…. I was so hooked on him and I never even laid eyes on him… he was that good on the phone…
    Angels on your body

  335.  #335Prairie Girl on April 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

    #332 FP
    the belief system feels shaky when it comes to men.. men coming/staying..the right man coming…I mean I’m 46 where the frick has he been? If he hasn’t come yet why the heck do I think he’ll come now? I’ve worked on myself before in life and didn’t get him- a good one, a keeper…..
    IDK about controlling the outcome… I think it’s more about I can believe it might come (love) if I know the route it will be taking and what it’s driving.. otherwise I just can’t believe it will find my house…
    I’m such a spaz..lol

  336.  #336Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Reviewing the ebook I realize I love these words

    “Connecting to what it is you love about being a woman is connecting to your power source – Feminine energy. Whatever makes you feel womanly, that’s a way to get in touch with your powerful feminine energy. Choose to love yourself simply because you are a woman – no deserving or earning required.

  337.  #337Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 10:57 am

    All I can say is wow

    If you can’t find happiness inside yourself, you’ll never find it in the outside world, no matter where you move. Wherever you go, there you are. You take yourself with you. This is the essence of happiness–learning to find inner contentment in any situation.

  338.  #338Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 10:58 am


    RE: #306 – LOL! Love it! Wow, this blog is getting HOT with a couple of men on it! Great story! 😆

  339.  #339Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 10:58 am

    ♫ test

  340.  #340Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 11:01 am

    ♫ ♫ ♫ Its gettin hot in here
    so take off all your clothes ♫ ♫ ♫

    I am gettin so hot I’m gonna take my clothes oooffff
    ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

  341.  #341Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I’d like to nominate that song as part of our soundtrack today.

    Any others we should add to the playlist?

  342.  #342Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 11:04 am

    253: Lurker~

    I love having male voices here and for me, opens up a whole new way of looking at things. I dig it! And, I value your contribution to the group as a whole. So much good stuff here.


  343.  #343mariposa0825 on April 22, 2011 at 11:05 am

    @ Femininepower 316 There is a stark difference between constantly criticizing someone and stating that you do not agree with a person’s behavior, stating your personal opinion and experience to someone else, and then advising someone on what you think is the best decision (and I would like to point out that other bloggers stated relatively the same opinions).

    Maybe there are hidden rules to this blog, but I feel that putting personal stories on a blog is opening yourself up to the opinions and criticisms of others. I made two posts stating my opinion and what I see to be truth….not a biblical verse or some written in stone wisdom. Geeze! Never called anyone out their name, stupid, or whatever, although I have been called B@thchy and a “troll” and honestly if you dont want to hear what someone thinks just disregard it. Its only MY OPINION!

  344.  #344Brenda on April 22, 2011 at 11:07 am

    “Life isn’t about finding yourself…
    Life is about creating yourself.”

    I love this quote!!!

  345.  #345tinque on April 22, 2011 at 11:09 am

    “tinque, would you agree that by having the person watching actually curled up with you and touching and caressing, makes it feel less weird at least to start?”

    I don’t know. For me at first I felt so self-conscious being watched, it was better for me to pretend he wasn’t there. It didn’t take long in that respect to at least want to have some skin contact. Since he’s in such close proximity, legs have to drape over him somewhere. (It’s fun to rub your leg on his peepee by the way)

    Now I much prefer some direct contact, stroking, etc. He does prefer to play with himself with one hand and me the other. I don’t think we’ve ever finished this way though

    We used to curl up together sometimes and have a mutual session, and yes for that touching and caressing is more of a turn on, and it helped with any weirdness.

    We both seem to prefer to end up with him inside, and have stronger orgasms and more of them which in turn not only turns him on more but gives him stronger ones as well.

    Most women feel more being on top, and as much as like that, I feel WAY more with him on top.


  346.  #346Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 11:09 am

    “Bending you over the couch, spanking you and making you call us Daddy, now that’s exciting.”

    oh my!

    how did you know I like that Rusty?

  347.  #347Femininepower on April 22, 2011 at 11:10 am

    RE 342 Totally agree Mariposa0825. However, I have seen here “truth without compassion is not truth”.

  348.  #348Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 11:10 am

    I have a serious question for you ladies.

    I have seen things like “The science of sex appeal” and other things of this nature and often what we do in this arena is based on old outdated evolutionary concepts ingrained in us. Many of these are outdated because we can go to the shopping store to get food, things like that.

    But what all of these different studies state is that women are far more picky about the man they want because for men, evolution taught them to not be picky and nail anything that would hold still long enough, while evolution taught women to be very selective since they needed not only great genes for their one egg, but also a great provider for her and that one offspring.

    But today women can often provide for themselves. In truth, today many women don’t need a man for anything but companionship and sex.

    And yet instead of concentrating on a man that can best meet those needs, women often still hold on to the things that attract them based on those evolutionary concepts.

    I mean that is what I get reading these posts at times. I see very little difference at times between them and a very young girl talking about wanting prince Charming.

    At times i wonder if a great guy isn’t right there in your sites but you aren’t ready for him because he doesn’t meet every single qualification on your laundry list.

    Like I remember in one of the recent threads, one of you were saying that this guy was perfect except that he was skinnier than you liked. Several positives were listed out so IMHO, he is perfect in the real world because nobody is perfect.

    What I am getting at was that I had to learn this, that no woman is perfect and that each woman I was with had strengths and weaknesses. I had to learn that some of the things I “required” in a woman really weren’t important. I had to learn to make a new list. One that ranked both Needs and Wants. And wants started off in number below the needs.

    I had to learn that my “Mrs. Right” was somebody that could meet the needs, and some of the wants. And just as important was learning that many of the things I had viewed as “needs” were really just “wants.”

    Often we put physical attraction way too high. I mean yes you want to be attracted to who you are with, but they don’t NEED to be breathtakingly good looking, and I just got to thinking about how this could trip you up when CDing.

    Point being, the best guy for you likely will not be the best looking guy. it will be a guy whose looks are acceptable to you, but he has many other things going for him, and most importantly, he will cherish the ground you walk on.

    But when CDing, it can be easy to allow one person who is one of the best looking people you’ve ever dated, blind you to the facts. Their physical beauty will be a distraction and it will be very hard for you to let them go and choose a “better person.”

    Just my humble opinion of course.

  349.  #349tinque on April 22, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Laughing Goddess – I wish it was warm enough to do so. I’m so tired of being cold.

    That’s one reason I’m asking about Georgia. It’s a possible next move and wanted to know what anyone might know about the place. It looks pretty, and it has lots of culture apparently, but most importantly, it’s WARM, HOT even.


  350.  #350Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I need to find someone to have sex with.

    “Bend you over the couch and spank you” *gulp* and *yum*

    Watching a guy masturbate? *hot* *gulp*

    Mutual masturbation? *yikes* *hot*


  351.  #351tinque on April 22, 2011 at 11:13 am

    I like being spanked with the pink pipe.


  352.  #352Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 11:14 am

    346: Laughing Goddess says:

    “Bending you over the couch, spanking you and making you call us Daddy, now that’s exciting.”

    oh my!

    how did you know I like that Rusty?


    You all do. 😉

    OK, well most of you ladies do. LOL

  353.  #353Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 11:17 am


    Why does my post #333 say it is awaiting moderation? It said that as soon as I posted it and still says it.

  354.  #354Daria on April 22, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Rusty. When a woman doesn’t like a man because hes too skinny.. it means she really not that into him and he’s not turbing her on. Its not the skinnyness

  355.  #355Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 11:23 am


    FP~ I’ve been here, just quieter these days. 😉

    I don’t expect it to last for long. I’m just dealing with a family expectation for tomorrow that I don’t want to do for all the reasons you know…

    I should be back to me, tomorrow night. I hope.

  356.  #356Jacqueline on April 22, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Hi all….Laughing Goddess I feel uncomfortable you started a conversation about your issues with me, and I asked what would feel better and you ignored my question. Feels yuk and manipulative…

    and it was right on top of my post to KS which was so personal and real, I also felt vulnerable.

    CALL YOU DADDY? oOOOOh, Rusty – that’s just weird and kinky. Who’d of thought it? haha…spanking my dear, is an ART form!

    I was wondering if you were practicing to become a coach maybe?

    and Hello! Lucy!!! I’m so glad to have you back. You posted after I’d apologized, but I hope you did see my apology?

    Everyone sounds sooo fun and great – have a good one. I swear I’m really gonna get some outside time in today.

    Best, J

  357.  #357Daria on April 22, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I. Am. The. Shit. I am the. Beandip/ i am the. Whore the. One. With the sword
    Hella bored from one to infinity. I an the unity. I an the crabe. The. Sagg. An. The hag. An. The. Tag. An the rag. I bag.

    Pussy and periods and babies. Us what its all about.

    I’m higher. Than a torpedo I’m. Horny. Like. Memory I’m psycho. Like papparaxxi. Flyer. Than jackson.

    I am. The daughter. Of my. Mother. And we love. One. Another.

    I an a member. Of a team a human jellybean.

    Sich. Like. The. Psycho award I’m. The one w the tour. Marry of fund n roses. I’m human. Like. Moses

    I am. The instant spaghetti. The giraffe in the srrenghrtti.

  358.  #358Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 11:44 am

    “I was wondering if you were practicing to become a coach maybe?”

    Any money in it? LOL

  359.  #359Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Besides, I doubt that I have the “qualifications.” No matter how good somebody thinks your advice is, they would want paper to back up that you have the schooling required to give advice.

  360.  #360Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 11:58 am


    “Hi all….Laughing Goddess I feel uncomfortable you started a conversation about your issues with me, and I asked what would feel better and you ignored my question. Feels yuk and manipulative…”

    Ok wow! I’m sorry that you are feeling badly about that. It’s was nothing personal. I started reading from the bottom of the page up and I still haven’t even seen your post to me. This is the first I have heard of it. I do feel happy that you wrote me back. I will respond more when I read it.

    It would feel great to receive the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst.

  361.  #361Jacqueline on April 22, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    I dunno Rusty…yall all like it…you’ve got some definite opinions, and it’s not a degree program. heee….ummm, did you mean we all like doing the spanking. laughing

    LG – it would feel good if when you wrote to me twice and I answered, we could complete the conversation. I feel bothered with unfinshed negative communication. Thank you!

  362.  #362Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    “…ummm, did you mean we all like doing the spanking. laughing”

    Giving…receiving…it’s all good. Uhm…I think. LOL

  363.  #363Katarina Phang on April 22, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    I was hunted down by Brenda to come here (the magic lamp rubbing isn’t working this time around). Yes Lucy, many guys can’t keep up with one woman sexually but some of them still love to entertain the idea of having multiple lovers at the same time. Women need multiple lovers, men simply don’t.

  364.  #364Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Rusty can’t be a coach…just not yet…sorry Rusty..:) lol he sure looses my attention…too much explanation for me 🙁 maybe i am more masculine than he is …dunno 🙁

    His posts are way tooo long…the shorter the message the higher impact…and the more money he can make…:)

  365.  #365Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Gosh, this sex talks got me sooo fricking horny…:( Not fair and not funny…I sure try to stay away from calling my “boy” toys…and be good you know???

    And Lucy…four men right??? I feel so embarrassed…that is one of my fantasies…Each one is given a task to please MOI…They are my “bitches” …okay, okay…not a nice talk 🙁

  366.  #366Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    364: Darling Ella says:

    “Rusty can’t be a coach…just not yet…sorry Rusty..:) lol he sure looses my attention…too much explanation for me 🙁 maybe i am more masculine than he is …dunno 🙁

    His posts are way tooo long…the shorter the message the higher impact…and the more money he can make…:)”

    Very true.

    I would need to learn to approach posts in a more academic manner. As is, I just free write what comes to mind as it comes to mind. Great for a rough draft, but not a finished product in an academic sense.

  367.  #367Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm


    😉 That feels great!

    Warm hugs,

  368.  #368Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Thanks Jacqueline.

  369.  #369Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    it is I the medicine woman

    checking in to the universe from the loceal library

    i now have easy typing!


    so i can tell yall how i feel

    today i feel great

    i feel tears i just held back!

    i feel embarassed to cry in public becuase i feel thrilled to have somewhere to write

    where people will read me

    and not put me down!

    woo hoo!

    yay spiral torpedo for joy!

    men want me

    i am sexy

    my cd determined that im always turned on

    why havent i had sex?

    because i havent gotten that close to anybody

    im around men all day

    but theres no one i want to fuc’h with

    he says fuc:k



    he doesnt get it cuz he comes at me casually about sex

    one time i will be able to express to him

    that it feels weird

    maybe he’ll step up

    right now i feel like




    i don’t feel safe or good with casual feeling

  370.  #370Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    yeah! from watching porn i can totally see how a turned on woman would be a challenge to please for one man

    and how one man is like, spent on one turned on woman

    me likey porn sometimes

  371.  #371Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I’m seeing Kaitlyn’s situation in a new light. She was simply taking care of her own needs – it was not about Adam, no reflection on him – very similar to a man taking care of his needs in the shower when he has a wife who wants him. Kaitlyn did what she did to take care of her own (financial) needs. Nothing personal against Adam.

  372.  #372Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    what can i share

    i am the carebear.

    what if i do my magic onscreen

    lets see how this works: i feel curious what happens:

    my skeletal spine is showing throught the behind of me:

    and a part of my being already knows that i can feel blessed here now

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so

    my mind/Psyche Body/grid and spirit/heartflame

    are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete.


    I am made of spirals

    of dna


    i am the spiral wax hexagon spinner of threads

    i am string fiber and fluid and cosmos light

  373.  #373Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    It was the quickest easiest way for Kaitlyn to get the financial relief she needed. Nothing personal. Same concept as the shower thing.

  374.  #374KS on April 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    All this sex talk is driving me CRAZY…….

    Thanks alot ya’ll 😛


  375.  #375The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    “the magic lamp rubbing isn’t working this time around”
    Ih, actually, it isn’t really a magic lamp! That’s only what we guys tell you girls alll the time. But for us, it works!
    Sry, Katarina, couldn’t resist!

  376.  #376Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    “124: Jacqueline says:

    “Laughing Goddess I felt you were following me around!”

    What did you Feel when you Thought I was following you around? Did you feel angry, uncomfortable, scared? Is it possible that you made an assumption and you can’t possibly know what was going on in my head? Is it possible that I was just posting on what I felt inspired by in the moment, just as many people do here. From my perspective that is what I was doing.

    “and part of a perfect storm of criticism from a triumverate of folks who had an agenda of getting me in line.”

    I feel bad when I assume that I know what other people’s agendas are. I feel bad when people assume things about me.

    “And I did feel bad when you corrected Lurker –”

    I understand that. I questioned it myself. At the same time, I am here to learn and grow and share what I know with others. I felt a sense of openness from Lurker and thought he might appreciate the info. I feel passionate about communication and love to discuss it with like-minded people. That is one of the main reasons I am here.

    Rori has tools here that help us to explore why we feel bad about things rather than making judgements.

    “but I no longer know how to talk to you at all.”

    I feel open to being spoken to in the ways that Rori asks that we speak here. I am going to limit my interactions with people who are making judgements or express that they are not interested in using the tools. I’m here to practice Rori’s work and to uplift people and be uplifted myself. That’s the bottom line for me.

    We were friends, then we weren’t…you told me that and how you knew I was confused….then you said I should be a jailer???

    I don’t want to go into defensive mode here. I don’t want to belabor old grudges. I feel bummed because what I was trying to say was misunderstood.

    which is what Lucy was saying she was and I have no idea what that meant even.

    If you have no idea what I mean, it would feel really great if you ask me to clarify rather than assuming the worst about me.

    “So, for me, it’s all come FROM you to me.”

    I know that it looks that way to you. We all have different perspectives and they are all right.

    “I bristle a little yes.”
    and express your criticism kind of indirectly through side comments in your posts, yes?

    But I’m not on an agenda for you – you feel far different from the person I met here a year ago, and kind of not as happy. I have to guess the happy person was an act. So I don’t know you anymore.

    I feel confused. Who said that my emotions would never change. Yes, I have had a challenging year. I feel confused as to why you would expect me to be happy all the time or assume it was an act. One of the biggest things we do here is feel our feelings. I am learning how to do that. Some are happy and some are not. I feel confident that I am on the right track with that.

    I’ll be happy to not talk or consider how you want me to talk – like if I thought it felt bad to correct a man who was trying….how would I communicate that – that was in disagreement with you? Because I do want to be able to communicate how I feel.

    What would feel better to you?

    ***see following post****

    my phone won’t let me go back and proofread this so I apologize in advance for any typos

  377.  #377Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    it worked

    let me see what else i can manifest

    a part of my being already knows how to safely feel peaceful inside

    and that part of my being

    is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so

    my psyche body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete.

    mm that worked



    a part of my being already knows… that i no longer need to believe that i need to feel shame

    like Ever

    but what if? if you dont feel shame?//? you’ll do horrible things 🙁


    even though my thinking thinks that if i dont ever feel shame again, i’ll do horrible things,

    a part of my being already knows… that even though my thinking thinks that if i dont feel shame again, ill do horrible things, nevertheless, i no longer need to believe that i need to feel shame

    and that part of my being

    is willing to inform the Rest of me Now

    it is now doing so

    my mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete.

  378.  #378The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    @ Rusty: It may be a similar problem as Blaise Pascal had in the 17th century: “”I made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.” Much later, Churchill said something similar as an excuse for an overlong speech.

  379.  #379Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Oh i was looking cuz i know the magic lamp thing works for me. ive naturally materialized there.

    i am rainforest blush in library plush

  380.  #380Daria on April 22, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    a part of my being already knows

    how to fulfill myself sexually

    and in each moment make love of feminine and masculine energies

    and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    my mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete.

    mhmmm 🙂

  381.  #381Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    371: Lucy says:

    “I’m seeing Kaitlyn’s situation in a new light. She was simply taking care of her own needs – it was not about Adam, no reflection on him – very similar to a man taking care of his needs in the shower when he has a wife who wants him. Kaitlyn did what she did to take care of her own (financial) needs. Nothing personal against Adam.”

    If Adam wanted to be her man, and she made him aware of her financial needs, he would have taken care of them. If he chose not to, he has no real say in the matter, since he isn’t her man.

    IMHO, he should have taken care of her needs. being broke is not fun. But maybe he had issues with it. I don’t know how long they have been together. I don’t know details, like has he been burned by women wanting money and then bolting? Did conversations leave him feeling that she was all about the money. I don’t know.

    But I do know that he needed to make a decision as to whether he wanted to be her man, and if so, help her with the money.

    But I don’t know…did she ask him for financial help before taking the gig? I missed much of this conversation.

  382.  #382The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @ LG and Jacqueline: “And I did feel bad when you corrected Lurker”

    strangely, it didn’t feel bad to me. LG was right, I don’t really understand how FMs work. And while I thank you, Jacqueline, for feeling the need to defend me, it wasn’t really necessary. If I feel offended, I’m actually very capable of defending myself! Have some training from discussions at political blogs. So, no worries, pls!

    Now, could you ladies pls admit that all your drama is based on misunderstandings (afaics) and get along again? I like you both…

  383.  #383Rusty on April 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    378: The Lurker says:

    “@ Rusty: It may be a similar problem as Blaise Pascal had in the 17th century: “”I made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.” Much later, Churchill said something similar as an excuse for an overlong speech.
    🙂 ”


    I just write what comes to mind and don’t have the time to go back and formulate it into a more precise and concise idea.

    It’s a scary look into my mind AS it works. 😉

  384.  #384Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Oh my Lurker #382 🙂 What an Alpha move 🙂 That’s Hot!!!
    “Now, could you ladies pls admit that all your drama is based on misunderstandings (afaics) and get along again? I like you both…”

    But don’t say that to me…lol

    I would sure say that even though u meant it well and it was said sweetly,…it sure felt a bit patronizing…;)

    Warm hugs,

  385.  #385Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Jaqueline: cont..

    “I’ll be happy to not talk or consider how you want me to talk – like if I thought it felt bad to correct a man who was trying….how would I communicate that – that was in disagreement with you? Because I do want to be able to communicate how I feel.

    What would feel better to you?”

    As I said above, I questioned whether it was best to tell him that wasn’t really a feeling message as they are defined here too. I love to share and receive knowledge and I am well aware that sometimes I get over eager about it. That is something I am working on.

    I notice people offering their feedback on many things here. Sometimes it is received well and sometimes not. I notice that you seem to be particularly triggered by feeling messages. Since that is one of the main elements of Rori’s work, it going to come up a lot here.

    It’s a process to learn how to speak them fluently. And they often backfire when not used as designed. We share info about the tools all the time here. I feel confused about why this is any different.

    I didn’t chastise him or make him wrong. I have, in fact, been very appreciative of him the whole time he has been here.

    I feel confused as to why it would trigger you so much. The only reason I cam imagine is because you have a grudge against me and/or have some block about feeling messages. I know these are assumptions and if I am wrong, I apologize.

    I do feel appreciative of your openness to discuss this. It really feels bad to have you making side comments and assuming the worst in me.

    I don’t want to have ongoing bad feelings with people.

    I am going through a huge shift/breakthru in my life. I feel really happy with where I am at. I am breaking down lots of outmoded belief systems and patterns. Rewriting my future and my history. This is my greatest passion and purpose in life…to grow and evolve.

    I feel grateful that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am feel better, much better. Yes, I seemed happy on the outside. That wasn’t an act, it was because I was blocking and numbing myself from some pretty uncomfortable feelings.

    Now I feel more balanced. I can feel angry and love my anger, as Rori says. I love that I am growing and evolving. This year has been challenging. Breaking old patterns can be challenging yet I know I am on the right path and I love and accept myself wholly and completely.

  386.  #386Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    it feels scary to melt !

    right now in public!

    i dont deserve it 🙁

    i’m ALONE in public and i SHOULD be ashamed

    i love me

    i want to melt

    these scary voices :9

    melting into the feeling

    stomach chruning

    i love my stocmach churning

    and that feels like

    head to the side

    i love my head to the side

    and that feels like
    breath out

    i love my breath out

    and that feels like

    heat up my neck.

    i love the heat up my neck.

    and that feels like

    eyes popping out

    i love my eyese popping out

    and that feels like

    eyes itching

    i love my eyes itching… and that feels like pinching thigh.. i love my pingiching thigh and that feels like head up … i love my head up and that feels like pain in right shoulder… i love the pain i n my right thrshoulder and that feels like side of kneww spasm… and i love my side of knee spasm… and that fells like… feeing queezy and i love my queezy feeling…

    may you be safe may you be happy may you be healthy may you live life with ease

    and now i feel uncomfortable ack

    im melting into being and im attracting attention

    tap tap tap i feel terrified

    and i love my terror and that feels like


    and i love my stop and that feels like


    and i love my rught and that feels like

    tingling across my mouth and to my crown

    and that i love

    and that feels like

    good tingles down from the crown of my head

    and i love the tingles and that feels like

    coolness on the top of my head

    and i love the coolness and that feels like…..

    mokey mouth

    and i love my moukey mouth and that feels like

    sex pictures

    and i love my sex pictures

    and that eels like

    tight tooth

    and i love my itght tooth and that feels like….


    and i love mh hmmmmmmmm

    and that feels like


    and i love my sleepy and that feels like


    and i love my horny and that feels like

    heart boomboom

    and i love my heart boom boom and that feels like

    pressure under my eyes…

    and i love the pressure under my eyes and that feels like

    big yawn wow

    and i love my yawn and that feels like

    tightness in my arm

    and i love the tightness in my arm and that feels like

    undulating esophagus

    and i lov emy undulating esophagus and that feels like

    heat under my nose

    and i love the heat under my nose and that feels like


    and i love my yawn and that feels like

    fear from permeabiility to all these people

    and then?

    them asking me not to b eme

    criticizing me

    feer of criticizim

    of gettin ghurt in hte heart



    tingly scalp in center and coolness

    and i love my tingliness and my anger

    adn my ywan and my heat down my back

    and my feeling vulnerable

    i love my feeling vulnerable and that feels like

    fear as i get looked at

    and that feels like…


    im pausing…

    im pausing…


    i love my yawn…

    and that feels like

    tingliness down my arms and soreness in my back and popping in my neck

    and i love the tingliness and soreness and popping

    and i feel turned on

    and i love my turned on nesss

    and that feels like

    smiling with heat under my nose and tinglies in my solar plesxus and heart tension

    and i love the smiling and tinglies and tension

    and these guys are all looking at me and now i froze

    and i love my frozeness and myy tinglies on my head and heat under my nose and tinglies in my thigh

    and that feels like

    pinching on my solar plexus.

    and now this guy come sout of the bathroom singing

    “so sexy”

    and he walks past me.

    and of course he’s talking about me

    and i feel flattered

    and frozen

    and hot and tight in my solar plexus

    and i love my hot ness and tightness and feeling flattered

    and frozen

    and that feels like

    fear of

    and i love my ffear

    and that feels like

    not feeling safe to stetle into my body

    and i love my unsafeness

    how can i receive from this lady next to me that i feel unsafe around?

  387.  #387Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    how do i feel on my MyDate?

    i feel bored baby! and i feel hungry!

    and whiny!

    and sleepy!



    how do i make my girl feel better?

    this guy is running around me saying so sexy again

    well it felt nice

    i gave him 1/2 sec
    of mean face eye contact

    thats what came out

    i attempted eye contact and feel pleased with that


    so now what?

    anxiety kicking in as my boy doesnt know how to please my girl.

    last time i was here he took me to the bathroom

    maybe its time to do that agian?

    wwo library bathroom freaky

  388.  #388Jacqueline on April 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Okay! sounds good LG, I use other tools and have posted on what’s worked for me and why I am here. If I post an opinion on something you’ve said, I hope you’ll not be triggered by it – but in general I’ll try and stay away from posting about or to you, as I don’t agree with most of your premises. Or with how you define feeling messsage, or with what they are used for or if they in fact result in the getting what they are used for.

    And Lurker, thanks too. I have been told so many times the way to get a long with a guy is to praise him when he tries, not to tell him how he did it wrong. So, I’m surprised at your reaction. But then you react differently in a lot of ways, even calling yourself beta. If you wanna talk about that it’d be cool.

    And there are often times when people in life and on blogs…simply agree to disagree. That’s what I was trying to get to here, and it seems I did.

    And for the record when someone keeps asking me how do you FEEEL???? I feel like strangling them – or in feelspeak, condescended to, made and/or implied to be stupid, less than, stalk, annoyed, and angry enough to want to fight!

    But that’s just me, as LG knows well by now. I haven’t changed my skin or who I am at all.

    Thank you both and everyone else too!

    Have a good day!

  389.  #389Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Lurker: I agree with DE, that was quite an alpha move.

    Men calling women’s stuff drama just triggers me. What can I say?

    I feel more open when you are gentler with your communication….but I’m more of a “list” man kinda girl. 😉

    I feel your intention coming through though and feel appreciative that you are helping us clear this up. I agree that it is just a misunderstanding and it feels good to work through it.

  390.  #390kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm


    Thank you. And for me, advice brings healing. PLease don’t be afraid to be to ‘male pov’ with any of us around here. I don’t think you’re too harsh. And when there are opposing view points on here and things get hot, it doesn’t mean we hate each other.

    We are actually very welcoming of men on RR.

  391.  #391Darling Ella on April 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Daria #386:

    Gosh, I miss u riffs…and I sure enjoy these 🙂 I feel refreshed as in reminded of my self being…thank u for sharing 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  392.  #392Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    i did it!

    i went to the bathroom and really learned how to sexually fulfill myself!

    i feel awesome

    ok so my ‘boy” kinda talked ‘mean” to my girl, whcih i want to change a bit.

    it turned me on.

    what worked well was pulling on my tits and encouraging me

    but i dont want to be put down / encouraged


    its from the judgements i am carrying from the pornos i saw this morning at cd’s house

    and from ManCD arguments



    anyway it felt good and i had an ORGASM!

    and now that guy who was complimentting me came and sat by me and complimented my jacket

    i feel closed off and afraid

    i love me

    i want to feel open and free

    i feel scared

    i love ALL my feelings!

    i take such wonderful care of me!

  393.  #393kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Tinque, Mercedes, FW,

    Thank you. Esp about knowing men don’t do tit for tat. I didn’t know that.

  394.  #394Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:41 pm


    i learned from this book i was reading here last time that i grabbed

    suggested by PG

    Hypnotizing Maria

    to self suggest

    “suggest” “affirm” “confirm”

    i feel really good about myself here

    yeah i did just fele good about myself orgaziming in the bathroom

    i guess i DO feel really good about myself here



    it works

    now to attract attractive men that want to romance and go down on women

    i am drawing in more and more attractive men, right when i think of them

    i AM drawing in attractive men

    yeah, i guess i did draw in attractive men


    i Am drawing htem in…


  395.  #395Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    I figure if I read enough of Daria’s fabulous riff’s. I’ll learn to do them myself.

    But I feel really, really scared about riffing.

  396.  #396Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    what is holy right now for me ?

    my breath

    my fear

  397.  #397Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 1:44 pm


    I’m feel great about agreeing to disagree because I think having different perspectives on topics is part of life. That is how humanity learns and grows, through exploring different ideas, trying them on for size, and seeing what works for each individual.

    What I don’t agree with is making people wrong and criticizing. Not to say I never do it but it’s something I want to move away from. And I will not tolerate it from others.

    I would like for us all go out and live our dreams not spend our time fighting over whose dream is right.

    When I read what you said here:

    “I don’t agree with most of your premises. Or with how you define feeling messsage, or with what they are used for or if they in fact result in the getting what they are used for.”

    Yes, I get that you don’t agree. I just wonder, what do you gain by telling me that? What is the benefit of telling me you don’t agree?

    From my perspective, what you are saying feels extremely negative. It makes me wonder what you gain from being so negative and why you even come here because I’m not stating my premises, I’m practicing Rori’s teachings and I always thought that was the whole purpose of the blog.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t be here. Not at all. And I see that you offer upliftment to many people. But I also feel really turned off when I hear so much negativity. Maybe I am misunderstanding you. Maybe I can love negativity.

    Yay for my riffing tool! I’m going to go practice that right now!!!

  398.  #398The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    #384 Ella: “What an Alpha move”
    Who? Me? Oh, damn, who let the Alpha part of me out of the cage?
    Ella, elle l’a…vraiment!

    #386 Daria, your comments are confusing me very often, you’re simply not the girl next door, but, damn, I would LOVE to see u melt in public! The guys around you must be totally turned on. Damn, I have to see one of you girls using your Rori tricks one day…

  399.  #399tinque on April 22, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    What happened to the sex talk. Go away for a couple of hours, and it all shrivels up. pout.

    Daria – Did you see my dream about you?


  400.  #400The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    #390 Kaitlyn Phew! Thank you. I feel relieved.
    Keep on working on you! Always think of the J and Mercedes story. You can do it!

  401.  #401Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    my nails.

    my skin

    my eyes

    why am i here?

    to express myself

    to birth

    i am birthing


    i am holy moving




    what is holy right now for me?

    my right hand bike lock bracelet

    my left hand silver bracelet

    my leather jacket


    what is healthy right now for me?

    my straiught back

    my noticing

    i feel nauseus

    i dont feel open

    i dont feel

    i feel


    i feel


    i feel



    i want to wake up right now into feeling good

    feeling Open to attractive men

  402.  #402kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    371: Lucy says:

    “I’m seeing Kaitlyn’s situation in a new light. She was simply taking care of her own needs – it was not about Adam, no reflection on him – very similar to a man taking care of his needs in the shower when he has a wife who wants him. Kaitlyn did what she did to take care of her own (financial) needs. Nothing personal against Adam.”

    If Adam wanted to be her man, and she made him aware of her financial needs, he would have taken care of them. If he chose not to, he has no real say in the matter, since he isn’t her man.

    IMHO, he should have taken care of her needs. being broke is not fun. But maybe he had issues with it. I don’t know how long they have been together. I don’t know details, like has he been burned by women wanting money and then bolting? Did conversations leave him feeling that she was all about the money. I don’t know.

    But I do know that he needed to make a decision as to whether he wanted to be her man, and if so, help her with the money.

    But I don’t know…did she ask him for financial help before taking the gig? I missed much of this conversation.


    Adam is broke despite being very accomplished. No way would I ask him for money even if he did have it.

  403.  #403tinque on April 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I melt all the time with K. I feel good. I melt. He makes me feel good. I melt. Melting feels great. Melt into orgasm, yum…


  404.  #404KS on April 22, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Hmmmmm…interesting. I applaud the guys for commenting during what they percieve as “drama” goin on. When they first started to post it seemed they would disappear during a discussion(disagreement) between sirens. In my experience men often disappear during what they feel is conflict. Nice to see that not all men run.

  405.  #405Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    its coming on 2… pitta heat moving into Vata mind


    more relaxing

    body still feeling angry still feeling tireed

    a part of my being already knows.

    that i no longer need to believe tha ti will continue feeling hot, tired and angry

    and that part of my being is willing to inform th erest of me now

    it is now doing so

    my psyche body and spirit are receiving the information

    information now complete

  406.  #406Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Kat, Darling Ella, Daria… yes I do believe I am serious about wanting four men. 🙂 I was talking to my ex-h about that the other day – except I was saying two, like TN man’s gf has – and he was very surprised about TN man’s girl having two and said “Isn’t it usually the other way around?” and I basically told him the same things you girls are saying. Kat, I was gonna contact you – so, Brenda, thanks for saving me an email. 🙂

  407.  #407Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    what if the heat tiredness and anger melts into comfortable coolness, freshness and safety?

  408.  #408Daria on April 22, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    it must be happening since i’ve imagined mentioned it and now… intended it!


    it IS happening

    yay 🙂

  409.  #409Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Okay, did some riffing and I do feel accepting towards what I perceive as negativity.

    I actually feel okay that I inspire strong feelings of disagreement in others.

    I can accept that.

    I can also choose to interact with people that I feel good around. I feel good exploring ideas with others with a sense of cooperation and open-mindedness. I love refining ideas through discussions.

    I get to choose what I want in life and that feels amazing.

  410.  #410kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    400 Lurker,

    I still feel held back in healing because I know it was my fault. He comes back mid-May. Not sure if that means back East or back home West Coast. When you were advising me on how to communicate with him, if I did lean forward, it’d just be to make FB comments about his career band (I group band into career slot.)

    Did I understand you right? Please clarify. I understand why Adam needs a slow, gentle approach to trusting me again. I also hope I didn’t harden him from future relationships with anyone else (ok, I’m starting to cry imagining him another girl.)

  411.  #411Daria on April 22, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    two aint really gonna work for me… thats why i liked four

    i dont like the intensity of the ping pong of two

  412.  #412The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    #403 “Melt into orgasm, yum”

    Oh PLEASE Tinque! I am SINGLE right now and all alone here! Damn, it seems I have to go out and check if I’m lucky. At least, if all else fails, I still have two healthy hands…

  413.  #413Daria on April 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    kaitlyn – can you get ‘over’ shift the belief that ‘it was your fault’ by mid May?

    if so, you may have a shot

  414.  #414Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Laughing Goddess – your post that mentioned my name made me feel like crying in a very good way. I don’t know if this will make sense – and I realize you probably weren’t doing this consciously – but my “little girl” felt hugged and seen and protected in a profound way when I read your words. So thank you. <3 Lucy

  415.  #415tinque on April 22, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Sorry Lurker…:)

  416.  #416The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    #410 Kaitlyn YES, show your interest in what he’s doing! Also, keep in mind what Mercedes and Sweetmandm wrote, don’t be too shy to post infos on FB about any developments and accomplishments that show a new side of you, in order to make Adam notice that you’re becoming even more attractive for him. From your comments, I have the impression that you’re a woman with many talents, so use them to your advantage!

    Oh, and if there was anything that Adam didn’t like, keep that away from FB, of course.
    Hmm, another idea, if there’s any way to get your financial problems out of the way, try that1

  417.  #417Lucy on April 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    411 Daria. Yeah I get you about the ping pong thing. I was actually not talking about CDing there, but about a polyamorous arrangement, which is what TN girl has. Does that still create a ping pong effect, do you think? Would four men make a better polyamorous arrangement?

  418.  #418The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    #410 Kaitlyn YES, show your interest in what he’s doing! Also, keep in mind what Mercedes and Sweetmandm wrote, don’t be too shy to post infos on FB about any developments and accomplishments that show a new side of you, in order to make Adam notice that you’re becoming even more attractive for him. From your comments, I have the impression that you’re a woman with many talents, so use them to your advantage!

    Oh, and if there was anything that Adam didn’t like, keep that away from FB, of course.
    Hmm, another idea, if there’s any way to get your financial problems out of the way, try that! Since this seems to have been a concern, it would reduce the stress on him if he knew that isn’t an issue anymore. And apart from that, it would make you be more relaxed, too.

  419.  #419The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Sry for double posting! Damn, all that sex talk made me nervous. Need a break now. See you, folks!

  420.  #420Daria on April 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Lucy – for me definitely.. i don’t want just two lovers, id get pingpongy
    i dont believe in polyamourousness… i just see it as single

    so in that sense me w 4 lovers if that’s polyamorous to some its single to me

    right now i fele hot with tiredness

    and horniness

    morningCd suggested im always turned on , yet not noticing it,

    and now im starting to believe he’s right about that, because i didnt notice i was turne don by the pornos but now i am feeling horny and

    i went and gave my self an orgasm in the bathroom

    .and sooo

    something to notice, im turned on hmmm

    i want a nice place to sleep then wake up to good feeling pleasuring me that i am able to accept as love



  421.  #421Daria on April 22, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    what id like is a man to pick me up right now, take me out to eat, and then take me to somewhere comfortable to sleep

  422.  #422The Lurker on April 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    #421 “take me out to eat”
    Can’t he eat you at home, Daria?
    Sry! Im gone now.

  423.  #423kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I meant band, career. I lump them together though only one has a paycheck. But I see them as equal importance because they’re both a passion and reason for living. I know I feel that way about my art paychecks and my person art.

    Now I’m feeling triggered feeling like what if he didn’t know i took his writing and band seriously? I did. Took it very seriously and always made an effort in showing my support. But eventually, I’d call him and cry that I don’t matter as much as his writing career and band, and that all I wanted was to be somewhere up there. Didn’t have to be top slot. Just somewhere up there. He said, “But babe, you do matter that much.”

    Then again, I’d go on with, then how come you fall through on all promises you made to me like getting my jacket back from your old room mate? So what if you’re trying to avoid him because you don’t want him knowing how long you’ll be in NY? What about that Xmas present? It’s Jan 10. You instigated gift exchange. What about picking up my gift I sent to you? Oh, you’re NY housemate/boss, it’s his po box and you’ve said you feel weird asking him more than once. What about Christmas when everyone else calls me asap in the a.m. wishing me Merry Christmas and you wait til 2pm. All I’ve done the past month, Adam, is talk about Christmas decorating and making gingerbread houses.

    All responses from him would have to do with being so busy with his career, but ‘please baby, please sweetheart, i”ll do anything to make it up to you.’

    I’d reply back, “Yawn. Whatever. I’ve talked to you time and time again about little things that would make me happy like my jacket, xmas, etc and once again, you’re too busy. The only way to make me happy is by rectifying this. But you don’t. You just keep making more instances like this happen. I get it. Your sh*t’s more important than mine.”

    ^^^memory trigger.

    he wasn’t acting perfect, but my happiness wasn’t his responsibility. I dind’t know that then. i still think his lagging on getting my jacket, etc was a passive agerressive defense against when I did come off as critical (to someone like him, critical overshadows praise. he remembers critical more. and he’s always been adversarial.) I made it worse by not trusting he’d make things right again. And the long distance part made me more insecure. I never worried about him cheating. He’s not that type. I worried he’d grow bored of me, worried I wouldn’t be intellectual enough for him, worried I wouldn’t be good enough for him.

  424.  #424turquoise3 on April 22, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Gosh ladies…. I have two dates tonight:

    Dinner with blackjack at 6, he didn’t want to plan what we were going to do, but is coming here from about 45 min. away, so I picked an italian place I like.

    Then drinks at 9 with Mike, who has asked me out twice so far, I cancelled on him the first time, and then couldn’t go the next, but he’s persistent. He did well though, I told him what time I was available and he picked a place so that was good. It was cute though, he texted me… Whoo hoo… I get to meet you!!!! 🙂

    Which made me smile. I don’t even know what I’m wearing, haven’t started getting ready yet, and need to leave here in 25 min. I did shower this AM, I want to look nice, but I have absolutely no expectation beyond first meetings, so I feel very relaxed about both dates.

    If anyone has time… remind me of Rori dating rules… I know the leaning back, let them talk, etc. but am drawing a blank!!!! Help! Going to beautify… give me advice!!


    Mariposa, I did read your response and felt you took what I wrote out of context or made more of it than what it was, and you did use my name, and wrote that paragraph about me and my ex and what time of people we are. You may not see that as name calling, but I do. I didn’t elaborate on that specific post because I’ve mentioned some of this before on other posts. You just hadn’t read them. I’m sorry you found yourself in that situation, and maybe read more into what I didn’t say, than actually said. What I meant by her being upset about more than texting (because it’s uusually just about the girls when he has them) was the kissing, and the conversations we’ve had. If he behaves this way with me, I’m probably not the only one. I do feel bad for her, but it is not my place to say something. Would you want to hear about your boyfriend from his ex? Would you believe her? Anyways, I apologize for calling you bit chy, but I felt that your comments about my post were. This isn’t how we talk to each other here.

  425.  #425kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:36 pm


    Yes, lean back and let them talk, but ask questions that show you’re listening. Guys like when a girl likes you enough to be observant. But be observant without seeming critical. And don;t interrupt. I used to be a big interrupter because I’d get so excited about what someone was saying. Good excitement because I agreed with them. But still…

  426.  #426Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Jaqueline: “But that’s just me, as LG knows well by now. I haven’t changed my skin or who I am at all.”

    I feel intrigued and mystified reading this.

    I came here because what I was doing wasn’t working and I wanted a change. From what I have gathered from the stories of the ladies here, that is what attracted most of us to Rori’s blog.

    Of course my core essence hasn’t changed. It will never change. I will always be me. Through this work my core essence is being revealed. Ahhh, I just felt a feeling of peace flowing through me just mentioning my core essence.

    But my habits, patterns, and limiting beliefs are changing.

    A year ago, I probably would have lashed out at you reading your side comments about me. Now I can have a civil discussion with you. That alone is huge.

    I feel way less triggered by you. Now I just feel curious. I want to understand where you are coming from.

    For instance, you said

    “And for the record when someone keeps asking me how do you FEEEL???? I feel like strangling them – or in feelspeak, condescended to, made and/or implied to be stupid, less than, stalk, annoyed, and angry enough to want to fight!”

    wow! I didn’t realize you feel so strongly about this.

    How do you reconcile that with Rori’s suggestion that feeling is how we get into our feminine energy? I guess I can understand why you disagree with my views on feeling messages if you feel this way.

    I feel curious…why does it make you so angry when someone simply asks how you feel?

    No pressure to answer this. I’m curious but I understand if you don’t want to answer.

    I’m goin to be getting off soon and will possibly be busy all night. If I don’t answer right away, I promise it’s not personal. 🙂

  427.  #427Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Lucy: re 414

    I feel so happy reading that. Hugs to your (((( little girl )))

  428.  #428kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Just got a text from some guy who asked me out then flaked on me. “Wanna go to a concert tomorrow?”

    Me: “Aww thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I made plans already.”

    It irks me that someone thinks I just sit around idle. And this is a major concert the entire city has known about for months. Not into this guy anyway. But ironically, Adam was a huge fan is his writing when he was a teen. Planning my bff’s bday party tomorrow is where it’s at.

  429.  #429Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Geez, I feel a little disappointed. I hope our discussion didn’t put a damper on the sex talk.

    Lemme cue up some music….

    Bow chicka wow wow

    Now I’ll turn the lights down low, light some candles

    That should get you all back in the mood

  430.  #430Katarina Phang on April 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Waiting for my man to come home from work. He gave me a heads up through text what was in store:

    “Daddy is coming home soon to f^&* u good like u enjoy…take u to a nice dinner followed by a show downtown seattle tonight. Followed by more frucking when we get home. :)”

    Auuuwww….what more can a girl ask? LOL…

  431.  #431Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 2:48 pm


    How are you doing?


  432.  #432kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:51 pm


    Eh. Procrastinating on this blog instead of working.

  433.  #433kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Ok, Adam just fb’d that he’s playing with his favorite band tonight. Should I leave a comment? Or wait til another date in the tour when he has another stat update?

  434.  #434Lilybelle on April 22, 2011 at 2:53 pm


    Rosie Palmer and her sister.

  435.  #435KS on April 22, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Wooooooo….BIG TRIGGER reading this!

    “A year ago, I probably would have lashed out at you reading your side comments about me. Now I can have a civil discussion with you. That alone is huge.”

    Thanks, personally I actually like to be triggered. Brings up issues I need to deal with. 🙂

    I feel embarrassed and ashamed to talk about this.
    I feel scared cuz this is a very ugly quality.

    I just have NO IDEA how to communicate in a positive, non-blaming, non-attacking way!

    I learned it growing up…..it was all I ever saw.

    And if I feel attacked my responses are BRUTAL……..like ……go straight for the jugular brutal. I will pick the spot in the other that I KNOW is sensitive and let it rip. It’s actually quite scary. And the worst part is that I don’t even realize what I have done until it is all over.

    When toxic man flipped a switch on me……It was ugly. I said things to him that I would NEVER even say to a stranger on the streets. Threw back deep hurtful awful experiences he’d had and shared with me right back in his face.

    I wish I would have walked away with dignity….like a Siren. But instead I acted like a damn psycho.

    I don’t wanna do this anymore. Pathetic but at one point I was actually proud of my verbal arsenal….now I am just ashamed.

  436.  #436KS on April 22, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    WOW! I feel soooooo excited that Adam is finally starting to gravitate toward you. Stay strong on the inside and soft on the outside. This feels good to read. 😉

  437.  #437kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:05 pm


    Thank you. It’s all from y’all at RR. I feel so soft on the inside. Just mad that our only connect is FB and he’s barely on it.

  438.  #438kaitlyn on April 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    My bff, a male, just said “Stop feeling excited. It’s just FB. These are crumbs.”

  439.  #439KS on April 22, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Yes it is a limited connection but IT IS A CONNECTION and dont forget that sister!

    Even if I wanted to try what you are doing….I have NO CONNECTION AT ALL!

    Be thankful for this open door. Even if it feels that the door is only cracked!

  440.  #440Susan on April 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    @ Judie Post 259

    omigod! I SO feel this way about most men’s sexual technique and I am very relieved to hear someone else complain about this! I have been with enough men to have a solid opinion on this topic and most men range from okay to horrible in bed. When we find one that is okay, we figure that he has pretty good skills because comparatively he does have good skills over his clumsy brethren. I have tried to also gently teach a lower skilled but otherwise wonderful guys to up their bedroom skills and they are so resistant to it. And yes, I was gently encouraging and tactfully specific and they’d change technique for a few minutes and then fall back into their clumsy habits. I’m talking about men doing things that actually hurt, but if they would lighten up their touch it would feel good.

    At the age of 54, I have found a man with good skills and it is because I was terrified of losing my physical as well as emotional happiness that I sought out Rori’s advice. If he leaves me I am afraid I’ll never again find this level of physical happiness. A man with good bedroom skills is a treasure. Most of what he does that is so wonderful is just using a lighter and slower touch and rythmn. It is VERY difficult to get a man to touch lighter and go slower. Women might not lose interest in sex with them if they would do this for their women.

  441.  #441Laughing Goddess on April 22, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    KS: Oh my goodness! I so get exactly what you are saying. I can be the same way…brutal. I’m pretty patient but once the flip gets switched, it’s on. And I have had many situations where I felt embarassed, and ashamed because I thought my behavior was psycho.

    Really that pain and suffering is what inspired my love of communication and why I am such a stickler about some of the details now.

    Because, when I started trying to communicate in another way, feeling messages and such, I made a lot of mistakes at first. Things even got worse for a bit.

    It’s gradually gotten easier and more natural.

    I wouldn’t get down on yourself. You strike me as one of those people who observes and absorbs information. It’s just kind of natural for you. It’s so natural that you might not be consciously aware of the changes. I have noticed a change in your communication since you have been here. I can totally see that you are trying to communicate in a non-blaming way.

    And I feel really appreciative of that! 🙂

  442.  #442Elayne on April 22, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Rori, I LOVE this post. I think it might be your best ever.

    In reading your blog for the last year and a half and baby stepping my way through, I think I’ve finally opened up, and WOW, are the good men showing up. It’s very exciting.

    I just wanted to say thank you 🙂

  443.  #443Mercedes on April 22, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Lurker: Gotta be a little careful here:

    “Also, keep in mind what Mercedes and Sweetmandm wrote, don’t be too shy to post infos on FB about any developments and accomplishments that show a new side of you, in order to make Adam notice that you’re becoming even more attractive for him. ”

    It’s the words “in order to make Adam notice….for him…”

    I can’t bring myself to focus on doing anything for him and so he will notice. I don’t discount the fact that he will and I don’t discount putting it on facebook BUT….HUGE BUT…this has to be FOR HER and so SHE will notice the difference. If Adam notices and can come back because of it, then great but doing anything with an agenda of getting him back is pretty much asking for heartbreak as it will backfire when the real reasons come out. Everything has to be authentic and everything has to be for Kaitlyn and her own healing. What J did wasn’t for me. The benefit was that I noticed BUT he did it for HIM and with full understanding that I was no longer interested in him at all.

    Needed to correct just a little because I don’t want “Mercedes said this would work” to be an implication at all. Mercedes only said this is what Kaitlyn can do to help herself heal as J did.

    Hope that makes sense…

    Much Love,