Why Aren’t You Circular Dating

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targetOkay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene,  who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

“Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene”

And here’s the thing:

When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

Because we’re AFRAID!!

We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

We’re afraid of making him mad.

We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy – that we just tolerate “whatever”?

That we just…WAIT?

Now..how does THAT image feel?

The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him”).

We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well – I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

The days of settling for less love are over.

The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you.  If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here – just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1nikita on October 18, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Dear Sirens,

    I feel confused. A man I refused to be exclusive with proposed to me. I feel confused because I felt tested, I felt that he should say “I love you”. But no….just will you marry me. I went into shock and felt blank. How can he know so soon? I gave no answer. Now I feel unsure. Do I feel angry or insensitive. He’s been distant since then and I don’t know if I’m leaning back by not calling him or being a bitch by ignoring the dead elephant in the living room….
    sigh* I just don’t know if he’s serious…..how could he be? Now I feel so much affection for him and frustrated that I feel this wall between us…I feel confrontational. I do not feel helpful at all…..but I want what I want and this not talking about what happened is so annoying!

  2.  #2alias girl on October 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    ok. wow. a lot i feel like sharing.

    rori – fantastico! thank you for being our head cheerleader! my life has changed SO much in such lovely ways since doing your tools and programs and i feel teary from gratitude. thank you. I love this post. (I love the picture you choose too- hee hee the target in reference to targeting mr right.)

    the man i went on a date with last night was SOOO gentlemanly and totally treated me like a goddess. and was a provider and made sure i was safe and ok and cared for.

    and i was verbally appreciative and open and listening and sharing and OPEN and receiving.

    and genuine.

    he is a very Romantic man. 🙂 i feel so excited about that. i’m not exactly sure what to do about the kiss/smell/taste thing. maybe like flipper experienced, it will magically change?

    anyway i am going to take a little time before seeing him again because i totally do not want to experience that kiss again. i felt extremely turned off by it.

    but i HIGHLY recommend Circular dating the rori raye way. it helps me to become more goddessey and learn to receive from available men. yes yes yes to circular dating.

  3.  #3alias girl on October 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    sweet goddess nikita… i feel confused which man this is. is this the ex? the guy you went to visit?? i feel unclear on this history.

    from what i read from you, you feel blank and confused, unsure. maybe share that with him.

    is this how you feel about the idea of marrying him? or is this how you feel about the fact that he asked you and shocked you with his asking?

    i would feel terrible if i asked someone to spend the rest of my life with me and they stopped calling and communicating.

    someone men ask a woman to marry him on the first meeting and they live happily ever after for the rest of their days. it’s different for everyone.

    you wrote: “I want what I want and this not talking about what happened is so annoying!”

    i feel unclear what you want. and if it is you leaning back and clamming up then that is an easy change. yes?

    xoxoxoxoxoxx i actually feel excited about this turn of events!!! 🙂

  4.  #4Linda on October 18, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    If a man proposed to me like that and pulled away? I dont think I would know what to do either. It would feel like a dead elephant.

    I guess I would have to say, actions speak louder than words. You gotta go with what is tangible than what is talked about. That is what I have come to know the hard way.


  5.  #5nikita on October 18, 2009 at 5:27 pm


    yes, thank you…..i feel your sweetness…..it is the man i went to visit.

  6.  #6nikita on October 18, 2009 at 5:40 pm

    I feel kinda good about the idea of marrying him..
    I feel blank shocked stunned that he asked me…so soon!
    I haven’t called him….
    he took 4days to call me…
    so I felt like, maybe he needed time to think….I felt concerned but his last words were : I’ll call you”…
    so ok…I just had fun until he did what he said and called me…I wanted to call him, I could feel him….I felt concern for him….but he said he would call me so I felt it best to respect his words and boundaries…
    when he called he made no mention of it…..that felt strange….
    I listened and his voice sounded different…..he felt unsure but his words did not express any feelings…
    he asked if I was around this weekend and I said I hadn’t intended it…but that’s because he took so long to call me I felt content with the idea of just cleaning the house and playing with my books…
    He said to let him know if I changed my mind…..
    the next day…I changed my mind and textd him….he responded like a girl….I’m busy-blah,blah, I’m available-blah, blah……..so I just ignored it for a while and tried to feel….I felt uninspired to see him…..I didn’t feel welcome….so finally he said when I said…….”i didn’t intend to”……he made other plans…..then I felt like ugh!!!! I am the girl!!! not you!!!!

  7.  #7nikita on October 18, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    I feel suspicious that he may not mean it…

    I feel too vulnerable believing it….

    I want it cleared up…

    I like him and I don’t want him to feel bad and let it fester like that big fat DEAD elephant blocking my view!

    I also feel apprehensive….what if I’m prying and he’s not ready to talk about it?

  8.  #8alias girl on October 18, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    i feel bad. i don’t want to meddle. i feel unclear. the communication from both parties feels not clear and kind of bad to me.

    i feel unsure if you, nikkita, just didn’t respond AT ALL when he proposed? nothing?

    i feel unclear what you want. feel really really unclear and muddled.

    i would feel like i was in quick sand if i were either party. like wtf is going on???

  9.  #9alias girl on October 18, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    i feel good to just let you sort through your feelings and i can feel supportive. i don’t want to meddle. i feel supportive.

  10.  #10nikita on October 18, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    It does feel like quicksand…..
    but I want to know am I just being a bitch?
    without intending? I feel like being a boy and just shaking him and saying…….are you serious??????

    I did not answer……at all. Then after he said..I asked you and you said no….I instantly responded and said….I did NOT say no!

  11.  #11nikita on October 18, 2009 at 6:09 pm


    “I feel like being married to you could be a very pleasant experience and it felt so good in the moment hearing it that I went into shock, completely surprised at how right it felt but then I started thinking and analyzing it….I felt scared that you were just playing with my emotions and I felt really vulnerable and scared….I’m sorry if I seemed insensitive to your feelings…”

  12.  #12Ann on October 18, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    I really like this post. But I do have questions Rori do you date yourself? If so can you tell us some of the things you enjoy? Would you write us a post on ways to date ourselves? I know I’ve read and written comments on date self. But if we had a post to go back to we’d know right where to go when we needed the extra inspiration.

    I am not feeling well so I don’t know if I’m making sense in what I’m requesting. I hope so.

  13.  #13Chaudemaman on October 18, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    nikita… that sounds wonderful… go for it!

  14.  #14nikita on October 18, 2009 at 6:19 pm


    I learned how to date myself through “the artist’s way” by julia cameron…..once a week you make a date and maybe you spend 5$ on yourself….you go somewhere that feeds your soul and spirit…..Once I went to the Duane Reade(pharmacy chain) and I bought crayons then I got coffee and just colored stuff…..sometimes I’d go to a thrifstore and get really fun stuff that was in my 5$ budget…it was all about tuning in to what YOU wanted to do….you had to do it every week and not invite anyone else or let anyone interrupt you (no calls) for at least an hour…the entire date was all about you….sometimes I just wandered around the city and bought an icecream or something…..but I always kept my date and didn’t break it for anybody….I felt it really helped me with my boundaries…

    xx nikita

  15.  #15nikita on October 18, 2009 at 6:22 pm


    thanks…go for what ?

    that feeling message?
    I feel so frustrated, sometimes the simplest things escape me….like the obvious 🙁

    thank you for the support though 🙂

  16.  #16Chaudemaman on October 18, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    nikita… i so understand that! yes your feeling message… i feel that it will open up the door for true communication.

  17.  #17ABC on October 18, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    this feels weird.

    is he trying to confuse me? why did he get jealous when he saw me talking to other men in his birthday party when he still called me “are you trying to pick up my friend?”

    he touched me, it made me feel good at the moment, now i am feeling totally scared and more attached to him, is it just me that’s afraid of intimacy or he’s making me feel this way.

    he texts me every day, wants to hangout, but does not make dates, i like how he starts to pay more attention to me after i told him but at the same time i feel very uncomfortable about his behavior of “not treating me like a friend” but calls me “a friend.”

    but at the same time i feel guilty that i want more from him and he’s slowly giving me his attention, but not exactly what i want. i feel guilty for even wanting to run away from him, wanting to ignore him when i know he does care.

    Rori, i know i’m supposed to circular date. but do i even bring up the topic of “im not comfortable with being friends with him?” and straight out told him that i am dating someone–because i am dating this other man.
    but i don’t want to push him away. how do i even talk to him about this?? on top of that, i still need his help and do need his help with work.

    i just feel so stupid now what kind of situation i got myself into. please help.

    Love, ABC

  18.  #18ABC on October 18, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    i really feel that i am in that stage before “dating” and way before “girlfriends.”

    whenever he texts me, it’s “how’s your day going?” very casual and friendly.

    he recently got out of a relationship, where he clearly looked non-committal. He’s a good guy but just very clueless.

    i really need help.

  19.  #19Tina on October 18, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Alias girl, Kissing to me feels intimate, I feel its important how you felt when he kissed you. To soon before any real intimacy was built? I dunno. I would read up on some articles such as “the art of kissing” ooooh that feels like lots of fun to me.

  20.  #20Ann on October 18, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Thank you Nikita. Those sound like some neat dates. Do you have some more ideas you could share please?

    Would others please share how they do or would date theirselves too?

  21.  #21Tina on October 18, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Nikita, I would be asking well where is my ring?. If your not feeling for sure to marry him then just say no and keep on circular dating 🙂 YOU GO GIRL! lol i just had to say that.

  22.  #22Tina on October 18, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Nikita and if there is no engagement ring then how about a promise ring? it’s kinda of a pre engagement ring? oh i dont know…

  23.  #23alias girl on October 18, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    ABC – FEELING messages are awesome to practice.

    how was your day?

    i feel excited about this book I found in the bookstore.
    i feel a little worried about my exam.
    i feel good to have spent some time in the park earlier.

    etc. Feeling messages as often as possible with Everyone helped me a lot.

    nikita- I LOVED your feeling message. i felt a gentle opening and vulnerability.

    tina, thank you. i feel very eager to read about your journey and thank you for the input about kissing. yes. part of it was that it felt too soon. i felt curious but not necessarily eager to kiss. and then his tongue was all up in the kiss (which I like if I am into the guy and th kissing) but it was too much. and even when i backed off and kind of shut my mouth he still wanted to pursue it. i don’t really feel judgemental about that. he is a man and he is super attacted and wants to kiss me.

    and then today i texted that i need time before we went out again and he just kept wanting to text so i just stopped responding and tehn he texted and asked if he could call and i didn’t respond. I NEED TIME. which means I ALSO NEED SPACE. rrrr.

    and then my ex, with his superradar, called and wants to have coffee tonight. i said ok but look i am dating other men so we are backpedalling on the sex between us and if you want to be a man i date ok, but i don’t feel comfortable with you coming into my apt. he said ok. i feel weird like he must sense that i feel i have other options and am not just waiting around for him to pick up the oars.

    ann i have lists of things i want to do. i kept waiting for a man to take me so i wouldn’t have to go alone. now sometimes it might take me months for the bigger ones, but I keep them in my mind and sometimes mapquest and research the whole thing until i finally take myself. those are the Bigger scarier ones that i feel alot of resistance with.

    but dating myself can mean:

    bubble baths,
    candles lit
    dressing in a way i feel sexy (either lingerie or daily clothes or dressing up to go somewhere special. or dressing up to go to the grocery store.)

    or it could mean trying a new style. a hat i feel nervous to wear. (but WANT to)

    or it could mean making a nice meal for myself that previously might have felt like “too much trouble”

    or finding new hobbies (again this could be scary for me so sometimes all i could manage was “researching” where a class was or what i needed or how much it might cost)

    or driving to the beach or a lake and taking a walk

    anything that your heart is longing for but you keep putting off for that day in the future for whatever reason. it could be the tiniest thing like buying crayons and paper to draw like nikitta said.

    or having fancy dutch tea (i forget exaclty what it was) like janjune.

    for me i walked into the armani store and louis vuitton stores. i was always too intimadated before. but baby step by baby step i can step into my life of my dreams. xoxoxo

  24.  #24Tina on October 18, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Ann, I date myself anywhere and everywhere I go whatever is happening, I’m there dating myself. I dated myself when I went out last night singing karaoke, I practiced my tools with a little short round man hehe. I date myself when I feel like crap, I cant count the compliments I’ve recieved from various men, I must said thank you about a hundred times in the pass few weeks, from my hair to my attitude, my singing, everything, it shocks me sometimes haha!

  25.  #25Ann on October 18, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Thank you Alias Girl and Tina. I do some of the things you suggested but for me it feels good to hear what others do. It helps me know I’m on the right track and I get new ideas and fresh perspectives. I also feel good to have conversations like this because others might be find it helpful. Look forward to reading and recieving more.

  26.  #26Tina on October 18, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Alias girl, yeah I feel the same way, if a man is kissing me and im not feeling it. A feeling message before a kiss, I feel like I want to kiss you, I feel curious about what that would feel like. I feel aprehensive, I feel… or even after a not so good feeling kiss after you have dated your ex, then if the moment comes up again, then say a feeling message before the moment, about the first kiss, ya know 🙂

  27.  #27Tina on October 18, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Ann, its baby steps, is all. I can date myself sitting my front step with a cup of coffee looking like I just woke up. It’s pretty much what I am putting into it , meaning how I feel. Feels great!

  28.  #28Ann on October 18, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Tina to me dating myself feels lean back and when I’m in the mood(enjoying being with me) my vibe is such it makes men curious lol But sometimes I get bored with the same old dates so looking for new things to do.

  29.  #29Tina on October 18, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    My five day coffee guy sent me an email about his frustation about not being able to contact me, I had written him an email explaining my time change and that I am awake during the days rather than nights or evenings, I’m out doing my thing. Anyway he sends me another email telling me his frustation about not being able to connect with me, he said oh well I cant stop you from coming out here however I “might” not be able to accomodate you. I sent him another email saying again that I am very busy but if that is how he feels then ok I wont be going there, cancel everything. I thanked him for his efforts. I have a “feel” he’ll change his mind blah!

    I did get a instant message from “hunting date guy” saying he will call me on tuesday when he goes by my town on his way home. He wants to go home first unpack and then we go hunting at his camp, these “sleep overs” are not panning out for me lol. I’ve gone on two dates with him already, just not sure about sleep overs.

  30.  #30Tina on October 18, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    These “dates” are being to “feel” like I need an escape plan. I dont like feeling like my life is in danger, it feels awful 🙁

  31.  #31nikita on October 18, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    i feel better…i feel congruent

  32.  #32cani on October 18, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    Hi been reading this blog for some time, it is very interesting.

    One thing i would like to know – When do you circular date?

    Is it during the early stages of dating a man, or when when ever you are with a man?

    As man, I circular date all the time, until i get to know a woman enough to feel that i want to be exclusive (eventually married) with her, then i drop all the other girls am dating in a nice way, face to face. I will also stop dating other women or make plans to date anyone new. Although i will not stop flirting with women or being social with them, and i dont expect her to be any different.

    What i have noticed with most men, is that they are unsure of the type of relationship when they are with a woman. Some think they are exclusive after one date, or after a kiss, or after having sex. I have noticed this also applies to some women too. So when you date others or say you are dating others, they get angry and stop dating.

  33.  #33Tracy on October 19, 2009 at 2:17 am

    Thanks for the post……
    I am getting back on circular dating….and this post made a lot of sense at to why it didn’t work out for me the first time round….interesting enough i still have guyz following me around so i feel encouraged that i can get back on it with some excitement….
    The first time i tried circular dating i felt all those things Rori Mentioned and i realize that the reason it didn’t work was mostly because my self esteem was really low and i kept thinking about the guy and not me….there was so much energy i was draining on him through my mind that i felt not so focused on taking care of myself….
    I really want to feel that i have options and i want to be able to choose from those options because what i feel is that it only works if its really what i want and i am in a good place to receive it…..
    I feel that with my new way of thought and a better understanding of circular dating it can really help me feel good about myself and practice being a girl….
    I am also setting up a plan on dating myself at least twice every week…..I feel excited about all this….thank you rori…

  34.  #34ceeveekay on October 19, 2009 at 2:23 am

    I’m really interested in this idea of circular dating and would like to give it a try. Been with my boyfriend of two years and feel him getting distant and too comfortable (and always wanting to cuddle, but not sex). He doesn’t date other girls, but has girls in his life who are “just friends” but who he makes time to spend time with in group settings. It still bothers me because I feel like I get his leftover time. Anyway, what’s the best way of bringing up this idea of dating other people with him, while still letting him know I am interested in him and want the best for us?

    In addition, I have been going out by myself more (dating myself) and have noticed some attention from men. I was asked a few times for my number. These are nice guys, and it’s nice to have the feeling of being sought after, but I’m picky and just dont feel that spark with any of these guys. I want to try out dating, and i don’t want to limit myself, but what are some tips on avoiding the guys that just don’t do it for you?

    Like Alias Girl’s guy, for example, who kept texting and bothering her? what if you go on a date with a guy and then decide he’s not all that, but he’s still trying to call and text you all the time?

    So two questions:

    How should I bring up circular dating with my current man?
    How should I graciously weed out the men I’m not interested in while circular dating?

  35.  #35Tracy on October 19, 2009 at 2:24 am

    just to add that,
    The whole circular dating and following my feelings has been a process and a long one for me……I feel that now that i am more in touch with who i really i am i can better understand and apply Rori’s tools…previously they felt more like a burden but i feel that now i am beginning to enjoy my life and who i really i am…I feel amazed that there is something new to learn each day and i am happy that its getting better and better….

  36.  #36Kaitlyn on October 19, 2009 at 3:18 am

    Hey there. I am a long-time lurker here (ok, perhaps 1 month), and totally agree with the benefits of circular dating. My question is, do you let the main guy you’re dating aka target goal, know that you’re circular dating? If so, how much do you tell him? Do you leave out the part that he’s not the only one you’re having sex with?

    I’m still getting over the old adage that he’ll think I’m a slut for circular dating and not want exclusivity with me.

  37.  #37Soignée on October 19, 2009 at 3:25 am

    Dear Ladies,

    I just wanted to ask you if it can be confirmed what I think.
    In my opinion, we start to have the problems in relationships when we have sex at the early stage of relationship.

    I think that if a man works hard to get sex from a woman, he can more easily fall in love. And afterwards, there are less problems in relationships, there is more magic left.

    And I think that circular dating is the best possibility to learn how to be enigmatic, and introduce more romantic in the relationship. It is such a nice tool. And it gives power.

  38.  #38Daria on October 19, 2009 at 3:33 am

    okay I am a junkie…

    today I went to a bar in a town I often used to hang out in… where man with a baby lives and many of my guy friends my godsister and other man i date lets just call it MY town

    i texted this one guy that goes to same bars as me sometimes to see if he’s going becuase i would feel more comfortable to know someone than to go to a bar by myself (safety wise)

    we wound up going at the same time. he paid for me to get in. i felt good

    we danced. he actually likes me he texts me sometimes and obviously he’s interested, but I have not been , ive known him for years and he was a quiet one compared to me and my guy friends

    tonite I felt good, i felt impressed by how much money he had (new for me, I used to either not care or actually feel scared off by a man who had money)

    he wnated to buy me a drink, etc

    i felt good. I actually danced with him, maybe the first time ever

    it felt fun

    what I noticed was some of the same facial expressions and mannerisms as “guy who had a baby.” this is normal since they grew up in the same town around the same people they would share some mannerisms

    this made me feel good

    what made me feel weird was at the end when i left and i was driving home

    I started thinking and missing guy who had a baby

    this hasnt happened in awhile

    I MISSED the FEELING of guy who had a baby

    he gave me a SPECIAL feeling. I feel sad thinking that I will not have that feeling, though I may have other great feelings and boundaries and self love I am not having that “guy who had a baby” feeling

    the feeling is something like feeling at HOME. Feeling safe. Feeling relaxed. Feeling something like being at home in my grandma house (not quite, but SAFE like that)

    so since I saw this guy and I actually felt attracted to him yay, but his mannerisms reminded me, I remembered the FEELING

    I had not had this feeling so I had forgotten about it, but now a little taste of it seeped back in

    I miss that feeling. I feel sad.

    I love that feeling so much I guess I would feel good just having that feeling. I forgot about that feeling. I was thinking i would feel bored by guy having a baby now. But i forgot about taht FEELING

    I’m like a junkie for that feeling

    boo hoo

    and now I miss my other ex also from that town, i can feel his neediness and I feel sad and I miss him

    so that makes me feel more confused

    I could just live with that special Feeling all day throughout my day

    it would feel great

    I could sit in the car next to guy who had a baby, and feeling that feeling

    that would rock

    my eyes feel teary

    thats not whats going on. I cant believe he is not a junkie for this feeling the way i am

    I am a junkie for this feeling

    I want to have this feeling for myself, and I feel out of control.

    I feel unable to name it or clearly describe it, and it feels like its Caused by Him

    I want to cause it for myself but I feel powerless to do so

    I feel dependant

    I fele cold trying to shut off and move away from it

    I love my feelings

  39.  #39Daria on October 19, 2009 at 3:45 am

    I feel achy kinda sadess. I feel it somewhere deep inside but not strong. Just a touch that lets me know to feel that everything is not ok.

    I feel sad. i feel desperate somewhere, but I can only guess at it. It feels like little sadness. I love you little sadness.

    I feel like I am sacrificing.

    I am sacrificing one of my favorite feelings in the world, that ’caused” by man who had a baby for boundaries and self love.

    it feels slightly sad. probably a lot sad somewhere inside. probably desperate. probably rebellious. probably hopeless.

    i love my feelings.

    i dont want to sacrifice.

    i want help with this. i feel powerless,

    thank you angels

  40.  #40Daria on October 19, 2009 at 3:50 am


    I personally do not like to hear about other women a man I am dating is dating or has dated. Unless for some reason it feels interesting. In the past I have felt jealous and angry and I don’t like hearing about it.

    Circular dating for a woman is not meant to make the men “happy.” It is meant to make the woman “happy.” The man will get his happy from making her happy, and even more so if she winds up saying yes to him for marriage.

    That is to say, I wouldn’t expect men to feel ‘happy’ about my circular dating, and i would expect them to perhaps feel angry when I turn down their offer of exclusivity until i am asked and choose to get married.

  41.  #41Daria on October 19, 2009 at 3:53 am

    I would expect that as a man got the feeling that i was the one for him, he would stop dating others and try to win me for marriage.

    I would also personally continue to circular date without being exclusive with him myself until said marriage proposal. I would be honest and open about this.

    If he got angry and stopped dating then I would take that as a sign that he wasnt ready to have the kind of relationship i want with me. Marriage and a family.

  42.  #42Flipper on October 19, 2009 at 4:42 am

    I think when a

  43.  #43Flipper on October 19, 2009 at 5:45 am

    I think when a lot of people say ‘I feel’ they don’t mean it in the sense of a feeling message à la Rori. What I get is that they’re usually expressing a preference or an Opinion – stating what they believe to be true but not claiming that it’s an out-and-out fact, as it’s often about something that can’t be scientifically verified anyway.

    Daria, your special feeling feels to me like it’s Yours, only yours, within you. I don’t feel it’s being a junkie to want to feel that again – my version of that feeling is certainly what I’m aiming to feel again. What makes me feel addicted is when I keep feeling hooked to the man I was with when “I” felt that way. He Cannot have been feeling the same way about me, hence no addiction to me, and I know that because I kept feeling worse and worse with what he was actually expressing to me, despite my ardent desire to share in that feeling with him.

    The good news is that I have felt that way more than once, that feeling can come back and irradiate my life again. Most likely that will only be once I’ve unhooked my engine from the wrong train. In the meantime, I am also constantly triggered by reminders. I still the feel the momentary glow, or dart or spurt of my fountain, but I also feel more and more annoyed. There I have to concentrate a little to keep my annoyance from being with myself (for getting it/him wrong etc), but find it easier now to remember the real vexations I had cared to overlook. What i still struggle with is having all these contradictory feelings at the same time and the overload tells me to cut out, shut down, “think” about that later (especially if I’m driving, because I get scared when I realize I’ve gone completely over to my rumination and am not paying attention to the road!). So I try to slow down, allow myself some moments of annoyance or anger, then some moments of glow or peace (or vice versa – the good before the bad). Some conscious breathing (more compatible with driving or going down stairs than dead-end ‘day’mares). I feel better knowing I can still feel my annoyance or outrage, however much after the fact – it’s there to be called upon and back me up in the future. And the other – the light, the exhiliration, the safe, warm glow – is part of ME, because of ME.

  44.  #44Tracy on October 19, 2009 at 6:46 am

    …….He Cannot have been feeling the same way about me, hence no addiction to me, and I know that because I kept feeling worse and worse with what he was actually expressing to me, despite my ardent desire to share in that feeling with him……..
    I have fought with this kind of feeling with my past relationships but for me i misinterpreted what it meant….I thought i was doing it wrong and to get to the right feeling and make him feel the way he had before…or the way i wanted to feel i had to do something….I kept feeling that i needed to do something yet i froze most of the times and whatever i tried to do made me feel worse….
    Thank you for putting it in words what i didn’t even understand myself….
    Its happened often in the past and i feel stuck and frozen with this situation and i feel as though i am waiting for the man to decide if he’l stay around or leave…I felt that i was not in control of the situation yet all i wanted was to put things back to what they were in the past…or rather the way that felt good for me….
    I’ve gone back to try and figure out what i define Love to be and what i define a good relationship to be….what i define a good man to be….and whether this is the kind of relationship i would want for myself….
    I feel bad letting go of something i have had that felt good before…i feel failure and rejection….and most of the time i just want to go back and try to fix it….It feels frustrating for me to not make it work….when i find it effortlessly done by others…
    so to me it feels like failure….
    I feel thankful for everything i am learning about myself….I feel that i have beliefs in my mind which need to verify and decide whether i still need to keep them as they stand….

  45.  #45Kat on October 19, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Do you circular date even though you are in a great marriage? If so How?

  46.  #46Angeline on October 19, 2009 at 10:07 am

    Daria, Flipper and Tracy,

    I feel so much resonance reading these posts about the special feeling Daria’s guy with the baby causes her!

    I feel the same way about a guy in my life who i had an entirely, *entirely* IMAGINARY relationship with. I mean, he never even asked me out and barely approached me once, and just LOOKING at him brought up ALL these feelings of home, safety, attraction, desire desire DESIRE. My feeling was so strong that it was really challenging to be open, receptive, and feminine with him.

    He was in my life for a couple of months (we had a class together) and the experience of feeling all of these strong (probably unrequited) emotions almost put me over the edge. It really motivated me to be receptive to Rori’s tools.

    Now I’m really trying to circular date so that my vibe will change. If I run into that guy again (and I might, he’s not dead yet after all LOL) I’m going to be prepared! So, part of me is circular dating just to prove that I’m good enough, and another part is circular dating because it provides a good distraction. My hope is that at some point it will all integrate and I will feel like the beautiful, open-hearted divalicious siren with oh so many options that I know I already am!

  47.  #47nikita on October 19, 2009 at 10:26 am

    I like circular dating because it makes me feel clear about what I do and do not like or want. I’ve dated a lot…..a lot of first dates and I keep track of how my feelings change with each guy if I see him again. I feel more trust with myself in knowing what is good for me. I feel surprise at how watching a man court me changes my feelings for him….this transmutes my attraction to him into that of merit as opposed to looks or a checklist. I also feel calmer. I feel ok to wait until things feel right instead of forcing something. I also love the entertainment factor of a not so good date. Some stuff is just too funny I could never make it up.
    The more I date the braver I feel in my decision making process….it also protects me from getting too deeply involved with one guy before he’s ready and losing my self and my momentum. I have a powerful nesting nature ……circular dating keeps the moss in check.

  48.  #48Debbi on October 19, 2009 at 10:51 am

    My husband says I am arguementative and always have to be right and he isnt going to get closer to me if I dont change He wants a submissive wife who doesnt disagree with everything he says.
    He hasnt touched me in two years other then a peck and a hug
    we are still together to try and work it out for our children
    I can not stay with him much longer without physical affection
    I am trying to change something so something will change
    I understand the program if I am single but married I dont have other options If i am trying to keep a family whole I am having difficulty with how to implemet this
    leaning back made him feel like I was mad and being a jerk even though he wasnt coming up and giving me hugs but once in the whole week since I didnt hug him he thought I was the jerk
    what do you think?
    I feel confused unloved uncertain I feel hopeless I feel sad I feel angry I feel like giving up

  49.  #49Angeline on October 19, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I also really love the idea that in circular dating I get to use my boy energy to serve my girl energy. It feels good to get all that nervous boy energy out in a constructive way.

  50.  #50janjune on October 19, 2009 at 11:34 am

    i’ll comment about your comment about my comment (!) on the last posting here, on this one.

    i feel curious about that too and think that is part of why i feel resistant to circular dating.

    Rori, how *IS* Circular Dating different from what the PUA coaches suggest for men? the question and the uneasiness about potentially feeling like I am *using* people to satisfy a need of my own at their expense does bother me. Is it just a “fine line” that we have to watch out for and not cross? Feels like it should be easier than that…..that’s too thinky.

    I don’t *feel* Rori’s message is even REMOTELY connected to anything like the PUA community though.
    I feel her program is not to use men, but to meet them.
    That she is saying to make SHORT –half-hour to one hour!! meetings with MANY men.
    For Coffee. For a glass of wine. An ice cream.
    Short, casual, non-binding, independent, casual. No stings attached.
    Not to spend all evening with them or try to make a relationship out of it.
    Meet them. Practice connecting with a man so that if he’s the type of man who wants a feminine woman and you’re into him, you can set up a little longer meeting.
    If not, you both go on your way.
    Respectful to both parties involved.

    “How to spot a good man, Attract a good man and Keep a good man if you want one“. I think that‘s Rori‘s message.
    But still feel interested to find out how Circular Dating differs from *using* someone who you know is attracted to you but you know you’re not attracted to them.



  51.  #51Mercedes on October 19, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Flipper: I love how you said this… “I think when a lot of people say ‘I feel’ they don’t mean it in the sense of a feeling message à la Rori. What I get is that they’re usually expressing a preference or an Opinion – stating what they believe to be true but not claiming that it’s an out-and-out fact, as it’s often about something that can’t be scientifically verified anyway.”

    Just love it.

    Much Love,

  52.  #52nikita on October 19, 2009 at 12:04 pm


    I’m just going to chime in about my own experience even though my name is not Rori 🙂

    If I’m a guy and I like you….I want to take you out and get to know you a little better….ok so maybe I’m not your dream guy at first sight but hey! give me a chance…..in fact not giving me a chance feels unfair….

    So, as a Goddess 🙂
    you can understand why I want the opportunity to spend some time in your company…..it’s way better than sitting at home eating pizza-alone, channel surfing on a saturday night…..and even if I don’t see you again when I’m back to work on Monday I can reflect on my weekend and this beautiful woman I met…..we had a great time or we didn’t but I as a man made the effort to continue looking for the woman of my dreams….I feel good about that….

    Ok-back to the girl in me…..
    I have refused dates with many men….I simply said…”I don’t want to sleep with you….so save your money, it’s not going anywhere with me…..”
    More than one man didn’t care….he replied with ok, fine but what does that have to do with me taking you to dinner?…..
    I felt from those responses that…..he has a place he loves…he wants to eat there but he doesn’t want to eat alone….period. He wants to eat in the company of a woman…..So I’d be really clear about my intentions….I’d tell him ok, but don’t try to kiss me at the end of the night because I’m going to feel really angry if you do….
    He agreed and proceeded to make reservations and get excited anyway….he raved about the food and delighted in introducing me to my first Bombay Saphire martini….he explained things to me about the menu, opened doors and beamed at the fact he had this lovely woman on his arm….showing her a good time…..it felt like his mission-outside from thinking about his divorce….
    He was way too old for me at the time and a little overweight…but he was charismatic and taught me so much about how a man treats a lady he likes…..he set a new standard for me ….. I loved the martini and began a grand love affair with it-(I only had one on special occasions but I thought about how elegant it smelled to me with that little lemon twist) I only needed one but it was so beautiful….I never thought I’d like it….
    He escorted me home in a town car-(taxi) and sang a rose grows in spanish harlem…..it was very romantic…..I felt angelic….he thanked me for a beautiful night…..and kept reminding me about how magnificent the dish( portabello mushroom prepared as a “steak”) and the martini were and he hopes that I continue to enjoy those things for the rest of my life…..I thanked him and told him he was wonderful company…and I would never forget what I learned…..He was great! I felt so much better about so many things….it was magical…..he faded out of my life and it was our only date but I feel we were both the better for it…..sharing a magical evening….no pressure no worries….

    xx nikita

  53.  #53nikita on October 19, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    P.S. Janjune….

    the date was over ten years ago….and I remember him so well…..forgot his name but I remember his vibe…..I still have a soft-spot in my heart for him….he made me feel good at a time I just split from my “first love”…..so he was my little angel too…..even though I knew he wasn’t my “guy”….he was a great guy for me at that time….I needed that…

  54.  #54alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    had sex with my ex last night.

    we were kissing in his car. and i stopped and i said out loud, ‘wait, how do i feel? i don’t know how i feel.’

    and then five minutes later i felt what i was feeling. ‘i feel GOOD,’ i said. and i laughed.

    i felt very intriguied to be able to compare my date with romantic (but yuck kiss guy) to my ex (Great Kiss) guy.

    i actually enjoyed this kissing with my ex soooo much more because of the experience with yuck kiss guy. and i got to stand back from my major leaning forward behavior with my ex (more energy-wise than actual actions i take but still sometimes with actions too).

    and i got to ask myself what do i want for the rest of my life? what will i be happy with and what will i be chronically dissatisfied with. i feel like i might really be happiest with a man who is romantic and demonstrably so. and also in that same man someone i LOVE to kiss!!!!

    so failed experiment in that i don’t seem to not want to have sex with this man (my ex) if I am in his presence. (yes, i actually thought i could)

    but successful experiment in that i got to do something i felt good about and stil feel good about.

    i don’t recommend any of this as rori’s tools or methods.

    i just need to find things out for myself and take my own road and experiment.

  55.  #55alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    ok romantic guy JUST texted me after i pushed send on my comment.

    do these guys sense each other? maybe they could duel it out. 🙂

  56.  #56nikita on October 19, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    These guys sooooooooo sense each other LOL 🙂

  57.  #57Daria on October 19, 2009 at 1:23 pm


    I feel kind of mad and uncomfortable.

    I don’t like the idea of judging men generally or PUA’s specifically as “bad.” I feel upset.

    These are men trying to learn to attract women. Sometimes they may do it selfishly, sometimes they may do it unselfishly. I feel angry at the idea of judging men for that.

    I now feel curious to go and read that article.

    ‘Using’ men as practice feels amusing to me. I personally don’t think It’s really possible to “use” another person. It’s possible to trigger, etc.

    I think of myself as “using” men to better myself. And I honestly believe that it is going to help them too… ie they will become better men by being in the presence of a Goddess

    I feel icky and uncomfortable to see women judging men or thinking of them as “other” and “users” etc.

  58.  #58Rori Raye on October 19, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Debbi, Welcome, and you are the profile of my classic client…and so I KNOW I can help you here on this blog, in my programs (please just get the ebook now…it will turn everything around for you in days…really). Main points…you are confusing being “argumentative” with being a “wimp” and never disagreeing with him. Your leaning back is likely a defensive posture rather than an open one. The combo is strong boundaries on your insides, and soft, open heart on the outside. Likely, you’ve got this reversed, so the first thing is just to get your mind around this new concept. Strong on the inside,k soft and open on the outside. This has nothing to do with being “demure,” or a “wimp” or “weak.” this is about being a GIRL. Girls don’t take crap, but girls are warm and flowy, living from their emotional energy fields, and healing to the world. Good luck here, and I just want to cheerlead that once you get this…and just start doing the Tools…Feeling Messages are KEY for you here…Love, Rori

  59.  #59Daria on October 19, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    ok I read the article and did not see anything about practicing or using ugly women…

    i did feel drained, spinny headed, kind of judgemental and superior and amused

    to me it sounded like blah blah blah have a life purpose.

    then the comments sounded llike… i have a life purpose/ i don’t have a life purpose /im disconnected from women who have all the good stuff i want in my life

    ok i admit i feel a little buzzy and a little angry reading it

  60.  #60Rori Raye on October 19, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    Hi, Kaitlyn, to answer both your comments here…TRUTH is key here. The thing is, since no man who hasn’t put a ring on your finger has a rightful claim to you exclusively – unless you’ve AGREED to that, verbally or in writing – so, by all rights, you don’t need to say a thing…except for the sex part. I lay out some guidelines for that in Targeting Mr. Right – using guy “A” and guy “B” as examples – but learning to really talk to a man truthfully, talking about everything you’re feeling and wanting…that’s just always the best policy because it also creates the most intimacy…Also, want to say that though I love your boundaries in the way you dealt with “Mr. Dater” – I hear a lot of anger and irritation in your voice, and that is working AGAINST you…Keep searching through this blog…get my ebook if you can…this is all a process of getting so STRONG on the inside that you can be soft and mushy and warm and open on the OUTSIDE. Love, Rori

  61.  #61Rori Raye on October 19, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    ceeveekay, Welcome, and go through the Taregeting Mr. Right section here…and we’ll all weigh in on this for you…the speeches for some of this are in the ‘Speeches” category, too…Love, Rori

  62.  #62Linda on October 19, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Hi everybody

    I need more practice! lol right now my dating circle is empty. I got rid of all of them. lol Ready for another batch. I need more practice !

    I remember one guy, I know I frustrated the heck out of him. He finally gave up and doesnt call me anymore. Heck sometimes I really was busy ! lol

    It felt freeing to go out if I wanted to and not if I did not feel like it. Now, I need to be that way with someone I really wanna be with. Not for the purpose of toying or playing with their emotions but honoring what I want first.

    I am going to work on targeting “Mr Right”. If I could build my own man I would do it right now and get married and live happily ever after with him. whoo hoo!

    I like going out and paying attention to how I feel even if it is ick!. I am learning that I have choices and I dont ever have to settle…. It is good therapy. I like feeling free to say what is on my mind. I like dressing up and struting a bit. I think the best dates for me is when I am not that interested in him. That way my focus is more on me and how I feel and stuff like that. It is better practice. My mind is not on if they like me, or what are they thinking, it is more clear and focused on me. (even though I feel disconnected from them, I am not disconnected from me). I think that will help me keep my head and be more me… when I do meet a guy that wows me.

    Sometimes my heart is just not in it. I want to be with someone that I already met. But, I am always open to another guy stepping into that place. There is only a shadow of him there now.


  63.  #63Linda on October 19, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    I like the sound and feeling of being strong on the inside and soft and warm on the outside.

    That feels yummy to me. Sign me up!


  64.  #64Tina on October 19, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    I love the part in one of Rori’s posts about men just falling to the way side lol.

  65.  #65Daria on October 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    so the issue about men no being able to or wanting to come take me out is really getting to be too much

    even men that were previously not saying it are now saying “so when are you gonna come see me”

    i’m feeling frustrated and basically circular dating 0 men, although i do run into a lot of them and they have been blending into my schedule as i circular date myself

    but its really NUTS

    there could really be a sitcom about this… its freakin out of control how many times this “come see me” thing is showing up…

    It feels unreal like im getting a joke played on me

  66.  #66janjune on October 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    it wasn’t in that article.
    i’d commented that i’d gone blog hopping after reading that article, and found those comments on other blogs.

    My objection is to men coaching other men to specifically pick out a *dog*, in his opinion, to practice on. It sounded like he was coaching other men to NOT tell this dog his true feelings–
    I.e., dont disclose that she’s not the one for him because you might not get what you want from her, …
    resulting,obviously, in *her* having a choice in the matter, too.
    This sounded to me like advise to go out and randomly select a woman he considered her ugly and therefore safe and then actively *pretend* she was *the one* thereby receiving all the “benefits” of having a woman be in LOVE with him so he could practice on her and dump her when he was done.

    I OBJECT!!!!!!!! I object I object I object. I strenuously OBJECT!!!!!
    with NO apologies about objecting!

    on the OTHER hand I agree that if a woman is of age and she *knows*— meaning if there is an understanding between herself and a man— that he is *not* interested in her but he will be *with* her, —n any way they choose— that’s a different matter… because
    they both know the score, both receive something from it … it’s a MUTUAL agreement between consenting adults and it’s nobody‘s business but theirs.
    Big difference to me.

    There are many types of arrangements between a man and a woman. To me it boils down to intent and DISCLOSURE so that one person isn’t using the other to gratify themselves.

    That’s my opinion.
    But I understand other people can see it the way they want to,too, and that’s alright with me.


  67.  #67alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    welcome ceeveekay! for me graciously learning to tell men that the interest or connection is just not there for me is part of my “practicing” rori tools. and learning boundaries and communication.

    today the romantic guy just texted me a hello and i texted a hello back. and then he stopped. which i feel good about. like he got that i needed some space but was still keeping in touch.

    i may tell him that i need to backpedal on the kissing and that it came too soon. this will buy me some time and still allow me to date him again to see how i feel.

    daria – Defocuss. I would focus on what I want and if what is being offered is a dealbreaker for me (ie texting as first contact. and i had to let a really cute one go because that’s all he had in him was a lame text telling me he was at work. as a first contact. i felt like ick when i read it. (i felt NOT WOOED at all). and i wanted to make an exception for him and text back because he was so cute but i felt Bad to do it. so i let it go and never heard from him again. and then i totally forgot all about him until just now. ) but if what is being offered is a deal breaker i just state my feelings and boundaries and stay open to any adjustments the man may make and then move on and focus on what feels good.

    i was going through my voicemail the other day and there were messages from men and i was like, ‘who is that?’ i didn’t even remember who they were right off the bat. i had to think about it.

    billions of men in the world. next.

  68.  #68Rori Raye on October 19, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    To ALL – my internet was down for 4 days…computer, lap top, Time Warner lines…so I’m just trying to catch up on all this beauty coming from you. And to thank you all for the amazing comments here..you are all just turning into gurus and poets and morphing the whole concept of goddess and Siren into something even more magical, beautiful and powerful. I’m floating on, riding, sinking into, adoring the LOVE WAVE!!! Love, Rori

  69.  #69janjune on October 19, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    i love your date! could imagine the whole thing as it unfolded reading it…a bombay sapphire martini feels exotic!

    thanks for sharing how you specified exactly:
    “…I simply said…”I don’t want to sleep with you….so save your money, it’s not going anywhere with me…..”
    “….I’d tell him ok, but don’t try to kiss me at the end of the night because I’m going to feel really angry if you do…”

    I honestly never gave it a thought to say anything like that. These were on-line dates and my profile (purposely) has NOTHING about sex in it.
    We had emailed quite a bit and talked on the phone 6 or seven times before we actually met in person and there was never any sex talk going on on the phone or email from either of us so I was not prepared. it just got really old and weak and tired and i wished he would quit.

    he didn’t grope me or try to do anything, he very much let me be in charge of ending the kiss (which I appreciated).
    it’s just that he did state at the end of the second date that he was expecting sex.

    I had the presence of mind to quiz him a little bit and asked ” well, do you feel that all the women who are dating on-line KNOW that sex is a part of the bargain when they accept a date from a man?”
    He said, “Yes.”
    i aked the question again —
    “So you feel that the women who are on-line dating are looking for sex and that’s why they’re on-line dating?”
    He said, “Yes.”
    he’s been on-line dating for two years.

    It just never occurred to me to have to tell someone
    PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY, I’M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU! ….There’s that “strong on the inside” thing i said in another post you have working.

    I realized coming home today that (from the comments this guy made) that men actually do interpret women’s attempts to “spare someone’s feelings” or to “be nice” as manipulation. dishonesty.
    Another female may appreciate you for it.
    Men don’t get it.
    Don’t want it.
    Don’t like it.
    And don’t like YOU either when you do it.

    I appreciate your suggestions.
    It feels like a friend.


  70.  #70janjune on October 19, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    oh, and i even put as headline of my profile
    so men would KNOW I was just learning the ropes,…. like you’ll have to give me a break here guys….

    now thinking about that, i feel annoyance that he didn’t man up and take responsiblity for communicating his expectations to me before we went out. but instead chose to spend half the date being unhappy. he could have said something before we went out…..humpft

    oh well, 🙂 i’m over it. 🙂
    it was worthwhile in that i’m beginning to make room in my heart for the “strong on the inside” part,

    plus also realize i kind of liked him (certain things i really did like) which felt good to even kind of like someone besides the old bf.


  71.  #71Daria on October 19, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I personally wouldn’t tell a man “save your money” or “don’t try to kiss me”… well sometimes i still do direct my energy so that it says that…

    i would feel like im telling him what to do and investing in the outcome

    for me i would tweak that as

    “I don’t want to sleep with you, and feel uncomfortable going on a date if thats what you expect”

    (i might try to tweak that some more)

    i would also say

    “i feel uncomfortable kissing you and I don’t want to do that”

    i definitely see how Nikitas statements worked well at that time, the men understood and respected her boundaries

    i just interacted with 2 of the come see me men. one said he has no problem meeting me and can take care of me too (although I feel unsure of whether i would find him physically attractive… i did feel attracted to his voice and attitude)

    the other one i did find physically attractive but after i texted:

    i dont want to drive to men

    he said why is that

    i said: it feels like unromantic i want a man that wants to see me and is able i dont want to be doing the work

    he said: what work but ok i got you. i will delete your number

    i said : aw that feels hella bad

    i feel amused actually, just a little bit bad

    i now realize that might have been more authentic: i feel amused, a little bit bad

    anyway he hasnt responded so maybe he has dropped himself out of the circle i dono

  72.  #72Daria on October 19, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Jan June I feel angry at that man!

    I would feel shocked and BAD and stuck and Furious if a man said that he expects sex from people online dating!


    i would feel scared and judgemental

  73.  #73janjune on October 19, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    yes, feeling messages!

    ““I don’t want to sleep with you, and feel uncomfortable going on a date if thats what you expect”

    “i feel uncomfortable kissing you and I don’t want to do that”

    I feel so uncoordinated trying to pull it all together, but know it will happen!

  74.  #74Daria on October 19, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    I feel glad you are using the message it in a way that is helping you! Awesome…

  75.  #75janjune on October 19, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    yes, it was an uncomfortable situation.

    but now I know what to do –find out what their expectation is Before I actually meet them in person.

    and how to communicate what I won’t do in feeling messages.

    Thank you Nikita and Daria!
    And Rori.
    And all the goddesses!!
    🙂 haha!

    love, janjune

  76.  #76janjune on October 19, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    now i just have to get some circular dates going.

    Linda, i’m at zero too!

    maybe we could switch our creepy dateguys! Yick!
    No we’ve had enough of that! it’s cool guys from now on


  77.  #77Daria on October 19, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    the erase your number texter texted back. now he says

    what… whats wrong with you

    (took me awhile to understand he meant why do i feel bad)

    i said:

    i felt bad reading that you were gonna erase my number. i dont want that

    now he just wrote back

    lets see what he says!

    HE says:

    what did you mean when you said you wont come see me cause im not able

    wow! misunderstanding … he thinks i said hes not able.

    ive now sculpted a message i feel good about

    I SAY: No papi! I said I want to date men that want to and are able to come see me (id feel glad 4 it to be u) i dont want to be driving to men it feels kinda unfeminine

    now. I feel good with that message

  78.  #78Daria on October 19, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    im actually feeling turned on reading my own message!

  79.  #79janjune on October 19, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    :)…just had to share this bit of an on-line profile i just ran across with the goddesses….

    “My intital hope through this site would be to find someone with whom to just have some real fun without the baggage of an implied commitment. I would really enjoy having someone to call when I have news to celebrate or if I’m feeling whiney and need to vent a little bit. ”

    🙂 janjune

  80.  #80Tina on October 19, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Janjun , Is that your part of your online profile?

  81.  #81janjune on October 19, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    it’s part of an on-line profile of a guy they sent me to look at!!


  82.  #82Tina on October 19, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    He is a “match” oh ok, I thought you were trying to up with ideas for a profile.

  83.  #83janjune on October 19, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    yeh, really… whiney isn’t anywhere in my profile. neither is baggage or vent.

    got any suggestions. i could use some.

  84.  #84Daria on October 19, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    so he answered:

    he says: ohok i see what you mean. my bad

    then i say: aw thank u. i feel happy now hella relieved

    he says: i didnt know what you meant

    i didnt answer that now

    now im getting other messages from my regular messengers.

    one invited me to visit him at a music studio by his house and i had a mini feeling message “freak out” by text to him.

    the other one sent a cute text but it was sent to multiple receivers.

    i said i feel jealous and angry to get a text sent to multiple people

    he says y

    i dont feel like answering that

  85.  #85Daria on October 19, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    my feeling message “freak out” was

    I dno papi i fl draind i dnt want to drive to men im fln mad thnkn abt that i fl sad and mopey an also angry i fl guilty an i dnt like it i fl mad!!


    i am suprised i dont recite “i don’t want to drive to men” in my sleep

  86.  #86Tina on October 19, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Janjun, hm well lets see…

    Share a funny story, keep it brief say about a paragraph. I once …

    I like the profiles that read like a story. I like blah blah blah, Or even better, I like blah blah blah because it reminds me of blah blah blah, I feel blah blah blah, fill in the blah blah blahs, lol.

    I wrote in my profile how I liked my coffee and why l liked it that way, so far all my dates know what kind of coffee i like 🙂 or drink whatever you prefer. I just got a message from the dating site just know lol, gotta check it haha. good luck janjun!

  87.  #87janjune on October 19, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    i have “fun” in the first line of my profile.
    seems like they’re keying in on that as everyone they send me has that word in their profile too.
    After what i copied before, this guy also says:
    “I’m looking for a woman who knows what having fun is all about…” Then he talks about having fun in another part. …well, for me that wouldn’t be listening to a man whine!!

    Maybe i should take the word “fun” out and see what happens.

    I feel disappointed with on-line dating. I felt it would be fun I felt excited about starting.
    i feel discouraged about continuing with it.
    There’s only a month left on the subscripiton, maybe it’s not the way for me to go.

    in the meantime while this month is running out, suggestions from any of the goddesses would be wonderful…

  88.  #88janjune on October 19, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    thanks for the suggestions!!
    i will put the coffee thing in.. geez, i just feel drawing a blank.


  89.  #89Tina on October 19, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Try a free online dating site

  90.  #90janjune on October 19, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    and what *IS* the deal anyway with sooo many 10 years younger men and 10 years older men contacting?

    Someone else on this blog asked that question recently but I was having my blow-out and didn’t pick up on it other than to have the same question.

    Is that the common theme of on-line dating?
    Ten years younger than you, ten years older than you?

    Do you date them anyway?



  91.  #91janjune on October 19, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    yeh, maybe that would work better a free site instead of one you pay for.
    this site seems to have alot of doctors, attorneys, or at least they say they are! ha!,… the two i’ve been out with have been very well funded men though.

    i think i just need to totally redo my profile.
    they’ve got me stuck in some kind of a groove where they’re sending me professional men with advanced degrees, etc.
    (the guy who said he wants a woman who will listen to him whine once in awhile said he’s a MD).

    and that’s not me… advanced degree… money… nope…

    oh, i don’t know, i’ll sleep on it.

    I do like your coffee idea though Tina, and writing a paragraph, and the I like…….. because it reminds me…

    love, janjune

  92.  #92alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    janjune. i like younger men. 🙂 although romantic guy was closer to my age (still younger but not waaay younger.

    i would date anyone between 22 and 70.

    im on plentyoffish.com

    just as good if not better as any paying site. anyway it’s free so if you don’t like it you can go back to the paying site.

    i feel encouraging to hang in there and just look at is as Practice with Feeling messages. that’s what works best for me. online has been great for opening me up to all kinds of men. and great for practicing not running away when a man is toxic but instead responding with feeling messages. great (sometimes scary ) practice.

    romantic guy texted me again. i feel repelled. it’s too much. blech. i get the feeling maybe he doesn’t have too much exciting going on his life.

    i feel understanding why men get turned off with women who make them the center of their universe. it feels awful to me. i am a goddess, yes. but you don’t get to plug into me and run off my energy. you need to be plugged into your own source. otherwise it feels draining. this is probably why rori encourages us to get excited about our own lives.

  93.  #93janjune on October 19, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Romatic text guy needs to take a hint!! 🙂

    “i feel understanding why men get turned off with women who make them the center of their universe. it feels awful to me. i am a goddess, yes. but you don’t get to plug into me and run off my energy. you need to be plugged into your own source. otherwise it feels draining. this is probably why rori encourages us to get excited about our own lives.”

    ohmygosh, this is so WELL-SAID.

    you’re right, i think alot of men don’t have a life going anymore than alot of women do. I mean, many of us have been there ourselves, I have, so it’s no put down. Or maybe we do have a life, but we’re bored with it.

    but i know even Mr Too Much Sex Talk Man– I told him i was working on the exterior windows of my home—scraping, painting, and i bought a compound mitre saw haha!! bc i wanted to cut some boards for new trim on the windows and want to build some shelves in the closets–
    well, about Every other time he emailed or called me it was, I can come and help you with your windows … i was like… no, I want to do them. i like working on home improvements. i want to do them myself. …. i didn’t want him running in here and taking over my projects!!!

    i really think alot of men are lonesome.
    but i don’t understand them….

  94.  #94Daria on October 19, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    So to my “freak out” which was not really a freak out but a sharing of my intense feeling…

    i got the following (paraphrased) response:

    Damn ma dont be like that with me if it was cool where you are i would come but if its like that ma i wont mess with you ma. I’m just trying to get to know you if i cant get to know you i guess it’s all bad im not like other men im trying 2 be with you.

    sooo i felt still sad. i didnt answer

    then the universe did a 180 and i got a text:

    that wasnt me texting you baby its cool do you want gas money its ok dont worry


    so i talked to him on the phone and he WANTED TO COME PICK ME UP!!!

    and hes also going to help me film a short video for advertising my business!!!


    it wasnt even him what are the chances. he said it was his little cousin and when he got that text he said ohh she was (acting crazy) towards you so thats why i wrote that to her for you…

    he said he was racking his ‘young’ mind what to respond lol i felt amused and flattered

    and definitely feel better

    now the young cousin is asking for my picture lol he probably doesnt know i know


    sooo amusing

  95.  #95janjune on October 19, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    I’ve only dated someone 7 years younger than me or 10 years older than me… my husband was 8 years older.

    Yes, I loved it that you dated that 21(?) year old guy! he sounded like a doll.

    I will try plentyoffish!


  96.  #96Daria on October 19, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    just heard the news that 40% of women are primary earners of household…


  97.  #97Daria on October 19, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    and 89% of men and women said they feel comfortable with this (woman earning more than the man in the household)

    now woman is commenting saying that men dont feel comfortable but dont want to admit it

  98.  #98janjune on October 19, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    Or nooooo, there’s me being naive again.

    i *THOUGHT* he was lonesome.

    now after him telling me he expected sex on the second date and never calling me again after that, i see a plan to maybe to help me with the windows and then i could “pay him back”.
    i mean if he expected sex in exchange for a date i’m thinking he wouldn’t glaze windows for nothing either.:)

  99.  #99Daria on October 19, 2009 at 8:28 pm


    Men Text Me All Day Long


    switch to


    Men Love To Pick Me Up Turn Me On And Pay My Way


    I love meee

  100.  #100alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    haha i feel amused with that initial mantra thing daria.

    i was speaking with a woman today and she told me maybe open up my desires more in regards to abundance. instead of just focussing on money maybe i could focus on things. like instead of i want money.

    it could be thank you for having my rent paid every month and a feeling of security. this way it can come in more ways.

    so thank you for my rent paid on time every month and an awesome place to live and a feeling of secuirty in every moment.

    she said she knows i am a magician and i wll pull something out of the hat. and this has been my mantra all day. i am a magician and i am going to pull something out of the hat.

    i feel very smiley with this because i am a big believer in magic and miracles.

  101.  #101janjune on October 19, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    omyg i feel so laughy.
    I took my bath and was feeling like “i don’t want to do this on-line dating thing…i just don’t want to.”
    but when i got out, i felt safe and courageous to take Alias Girl’s suggestion about looking at plentyoffish.com instead of giving up…

    my energy changed, i felt it.

    was sitting here registering for plentyoffish and trying to piece together a new profile.

    blip! i get an email from a man who actually sounds like we might be interesting to one another.
    No advanced degree, likes to be outdoors, he’s nice looking… asking if I’d be interested in having Coffee.
    No dinner no movie no date no windows, just coffee!

    talk about things showing up when you’re ready.

    I feel befuddled by this energy thing right now.

    Sweet dreams,

  102.  #102Daria on October 19, 2009 at 9:54 pm


    my dad brought me flowers…

    i felt inspired to text him… dad my flowers dried out, it would feel great to have fresh ones

    then i really just forgot about it

    (BTW I HAVE NEVER TEXTED MY DAD or asked him for flowers … )

    soo I felt SOO Happy when he came home and i had forgotten and there were FRESH PINK flowers just like I wanted!!!

    OMGod what a Blessing. They are going in my romance feng shui corner of my room… to brighten up my dating

  103.  #103Daria on October 19, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    My sea bass turned out DELICIOUS!!

  104.  #104alias girl on October 19, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    yum! and delicious! yae janjune and daria! and yae for me too! yae for rori too! and yae for sirens and goddesses and kings crashing on our shores!

    yae! i feel very uplifted.

  105.  #105Kaitlyn on October 20, 2009 at 12:20 am

    Which section is the romance corner of the room? I’ll try that? 😉

  106.  #106DocK on October 20, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Funny, timing. I was thinking of writing Rori about feelings and wondering if she could give us a list. Then today, her email about feelings so I did a search (the academic in me) and thought I would share this list:


  107.  #107gina on October 20, 2009 at 9:11 am

    I feel scared of circular dating! I feel scared of men. I feel scared of their bigness and strangeness. I feel worried about being murdered by a creepy man. I feel worried about hurting men’s feelings. I feel worried about pissing off his mom. I feel worried about being judged by him and his mom. I feel worried about losing my baggage. I feel worried about being free. I feel scared that when the weight lifts, I’ll be free. And I’m worried that the higher I drift away, the harder I could fall.

  108.  #108nikita on October 20, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Calling all Sirens 🙂

    In an earlier post where I shared a dating experience, I wrote:

    I have refused dates with many men….I simply said…”I don’t want to sleep with you….so save your money, it’s not going anywhere with me…..”

    I agree that it was a very masculine and controlling expression….I do not advise saying that….I was a really “tough” girl back then…..but I wanted to share it because it expressed how little some men care about “scoring” and can appreciate just the company of a woman….

    So now I’d express myself differently…but the ultimate message is..”.this feels good/this doesn’t feel good..what do you think?”

    xoxo nikita

  109.  #109Bethany on October 20, 2009 at 9:44 am

    Nikita–The Artist’s Way date yourself stuff sounds great…I want to get that book…and wow, I feel so intrigued by your proposal…I don’t get a feel for how much you like this guy though…do you want him?

    Tracy, when you said “The first time i tried circular dating i felt all those things Rori Mentioned and i realize that the reason it didn’t work was mostly because my self esteem was really low and i kept thinking about the guy and not me….there was so much energy i was draining on him through my mind that i felt not so focused on taking care of myself…” I felt a little bell go off…it feels so hard to bring yourself up when you seem hopelessly tied to one guy…I still feel MORE of a pull towards Chris than any other guy, but since my circular dating adventure started, I feel much less needy and desperate and in pain…I actually don’t feel pained that much…I feel excited about my life…I have been having fun learning about feng shui and clearing clutter in my apartment…

    I have a date again tonight, for dinner, with the same guy I had coffee with. A couple other guys have been texting me but one lives in a different state, and the other just won’t ask me out…I hate texting so much and I feel scared that no other guys will ask me out, like what if the pond just dries up? That feels bad and I want to feel that I have lots of options coming at me all the time…

    Do you ladies bother with guys who want to “chat” but live across the country?

    Janjune, you mentioned the difference between circular dating and “using someone” you’re not attracted to…yeah, I feel guilty and uncomfortable around that idea…but to get into my head a little bit, it seems that the difference is in boundaries and “I begin here, and you begin over there.” If a guy wants to ask you out, take you out, pay for you, great! You’re not “using” him–he’s an opportunity to learn something about yourself and you don’t owe him anything because he has his own reasons for asking you out…but that doesn’t matter because there’s still the guilty feeling! I feel guilty just thinking about it. Ugh. I love my guilt. I love my disappointment…Rori says guilt is about punishment…

  110.  #110Tina on October 20, 2009 at 9:44 am

    Thank you for the cool feelings Dock and the not so cool ones .

  111.  #111Tina on October 20, 2009 at 9:45 am

    So many feelings swimming around in my soup.

  112.  #112Bethany on October 20, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Kaitlyn: it’s the southwest corner! I just learned that. Who cares if feng shui is “real”? It’s fun!

    I feel like I’m chomping at the bit to move to Minneapolis. I really really want to. I feel like I can do it. I feel grateful for the job I have here, but I’m not learning anything new, and I keep getting passed up for more responsibility and left with the cut and paste, a trained-monkey-could-do-it stuff. I feel ready to accept a new job where I can use my strengths. I feel ready to be in Minneapolis where there is art, and an independent fashion scene, and music, and theatre…I feel starved for color and culture and I want it after Christmas when I’m done teaching my writing class here. I feel like I could move and find a great, reasonably priced place and a great job and take design classes at the U of M in the fall…I could work part time and go to school part time…that would feel fun…Universe, I really want this! Thank you!!!!

  113.  #113Simply Shannon on October 20, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Just subscribing for now. More comments later.

    Several of you have asked about online dating, check out Mercedes’ blog post from August. She wrote a ton of good ideas and I commented a ton there too. Easier for me to direct you there rather than re-write all of it. I feel pretty successful at online dating so far. My calendar is usually booked two weeks out!


    Be back soon Sirens. Shannon

  114.  #114nikita on October 20, 2009 at 10:16 am


    Minneapolis? wow, isn’t it cold there? if you can brave that I say GO 🙂
    That’s a MAJOR artist way date!

    Sigh* yes proposal guy…I like him…I like him a lot….I feel better after talking to him….I feel my heart opening up to him and now he even looks different….I didn’t feel that two weeks ago and now I really feel it…..but he has a lot going on right now so we’ll see how it goes…..he was really surprised when I expressed my feelings and how they had changed….don’t think he expected that….I wish I hadn’t made him work so hard…I look back on how difficult I was to get close to and sigh…..now I like him so much and I wish I had been nicer ….

    But it feels really really good to have an official crush on a really good guy ……funny how the tables turn 🙂

  115.  #115nikita on October 20, 2009 at 10:36 am


    I agree about sex too soon….I read it takes a man 4months to develop feelings other than lust…..I usually wait at least 3 months before being intimate…..It has proven to create more secure feelings in me….and the guy always called the next day….we were already bonded…so to speak before the sex….so I’m with you on that one..

  116.  #116Cassandra on October 20, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Rori….it amazes me how you ALWAYS put a post up that is speaking directly to what I am dealing with. Thank you! I feel grateful. I am actually in that very place that you addressed above in that I am still wanting, dreaming, hoping, wishing that things with Charles would suddenly change and be back the way that they were when we first got together and he was the man that he painted the image of. He was that man for a time but then he showed his TRUE colors but I am still in love with the man that he painted. How do I move on from that painting? How do I get him OUT of my head and OUT of my heart? How do I let go and how on earth do I do that when he is still calling me and asking me to do stuff here and there – of course it is all on HIS terms and when HE wants to get together. Even today HE is changing the oil in my vehicle and doing my brakes for me. So HOW DO I MOVE ON? Why is he even still calling me? He says that it is NOT me….that he does not want to be tied down or have anyone in his life yet he is all over match.com now in addition to that same sleazy affair site that he was on months ago. So if he does not want anyone in his life….why is he shopping for other women and what did I do to make things fall apart? I want to know so that I don’t do it in the future but I don’t even know what IT is! I feel angry and hurt and betrayed and raging with anger.

    IS IT ME??? Even with him coming to do my oil and brakes he is still so nasty and I am still getting off of the phone angry or hurt. We are not even together and he reminds me of that daily….that we are ‘just friends’ yet HE calls me daily asking me to do this or that for him or to check on me. What the hell?! Are we just friends and why in the hell is he calling me?! I am trying so hard to lean waaaaaay back and yes….I do goof and call him every once in a while but not every day. He calls me DAILY and asks what I am doing…where I am….who I am with or makes some controlling comment about me being with another man which has not been the case.

    With regard to circular dating….I have been wanting to sign up on match.com to begin my circular dating but then I discovered that HE is on there. I don’t want to date other people but I DO want to get MY life back on track and fix ME and be the siren that I am supposed to be so that is my reason for wanting to sign up on there but do I sign up with him on that same site??? That makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. What do I do? I don’t want to close the door with Charles but he makes it painfully clear that HE DOES NOT WANT ME but then calls daily so what the heck do I do?? Please help…I feel really confused and stuck. Also …if I keep leaning waaaaay back even more as in not taking his calls and not helping him with anything and not hanging out with him at all…is it likely that Charles will lean forward more? I also feel ashamed that I even want him to lean forward after his treatment of me then and even now but that is how I feel and I don’t know where things went wrong and how they got this distant and mean on his part.

    Thanks…..love and hugs…

  117.  #117nikita on October 20, 2009 at 11:20 am

    OOOh Cassandra,

    I would sooooooooo get on the same site as him 🙂
    but I’m a tricky little one…the other Sirens were talking about plentyoffish earlier maybe that one since they say it’s free…..
    and since he calls daily you can tell him….oh, I have plans tonight, let’s talk tomorrow…ciao….super sweetly…..
    I feel like it builds trust when we are transparent about our actions during a “break”….he accuses you and that feels awful to me if you’re not dating….I say prove him right 🙂

    actions don’t lie….and he might be shopping for sex…..he may be honest about not wanting something serious right now….what does Cassandra want….?
    not who….but what?

    xxx nikita
    I hope you are still dancing 🙂

  118.  #118Bethany on October 20, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Cassandra–At the risk of being masculine here, umm…do it!!! If you don’t want to do match…eharmony, plentyoffish…you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!!! Sorry, really directive there, but I just feel so supportive of your situation…I KNOW it feels tough and you DON’T want to do it…I’m “doing” it and I still feel that part that doesn’t want to…but I took it slow, still figuring it out…maybe if you started drafting a profile?

  119.  #119Mercedes on October 20, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Cassandra: I’m with the others. Who cares what site he’s on? If you needed groceries, would you not go to the store because he’s there? Don’t avoid him. Don’t let him decide where you go, what you do, or where you post an online profile.

    And…for me, its too hard to be friends with a man I want. I’d cut the ties. The easiest way to get a man to stop calling is to tell him you don’t want to talk to him anymore, tell him you have no desire to be his friend and then stop taking his calls. He’ll get tired of talking to your voicemail with no response and he’ll stop calling. It’s too hard to move on with your life while he’s still in it. He knows that and it is giving him a TON of control over you.

    You are an independent woman now. Go out there and get your life.

    Much Love,

  120.  #120Mercedes on October 20, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Oh Cassandra: Charles has been VERY, VERY mean to you in the past. This is not you. This is HIM. Please don’t take on his stuff and beat yourself up for it. You didn’t do anything wrong…he’s being mean. He needs to take responsibility for that himself.

    Much Love,

  121.  #121Simply Shannon on October 20, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Cassandra: Do it! Personally I would check out the men on Match BEFORE you pay for it. (You can search without paying.) Plentyoffish is free. OKCupid! is free. Lots of places to sign up.

    Also, just wanted to say I feel empathy for you and your situation with Christopher. The thing I’m trying to do is not romanticize what we HAD. I felt crummy with A and yet I still fantasized about what he was like BEFORE he changed. That’s not who he is right now. My heart still wanted that same feeling (like Daria described) but I wasn’t getting it from HIM. It was time to take off the rose colored glasses and REALLY look at the man in front of me.

    Truly Circular Dating has made me a believer in Rori. (Not that I didn’t believe her before but practicing Circular Dating has opened my eyes to ME. It’s really unbelieveable.) Even on days when I still think about A, I have other dates to look forward to and I KNOW my world didn’t end when A and I broke up. Talk about feeling powerful again!! I’ve met some great guys. Two of whom I feel really good with when I’m around them. Sure I’ve met plenty of frogs (and that can feel exhausting) but my prince is out there. I no longer believe that A is a prince. That right there is enough to make me a believer in CD. It truly opens your eyes to how you want to be treated and what you don’t want (in my case – A!). Sure I still check out what he’s doing on Facebook but now it’s just curiousity for me. It’s not enough to make me call him or reach out to him. I feel a lot more relaxed about things. It gets better and better every single day.

    Just do it! Besides, serves him right to see you up on Match. 🙂

  122.  #122alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:53 am

    nikita. i felt very excited to hear an update. i really wanted to know what was happening! yae. i feel happy you spoke and opened up to each other and now you have a big crush . i felt giggly when i read how you were a bit difficult in the beginning. hee hee.

    bethany i feel so much strength coming from you. i feel excited about your (potential)move to an artsy city!!!!

    cassandra. i feel compassion. i hear alot of fear. change can be very scary. the unknown future can feel overwhelming so sometimes it’s easier to just hang onto what i have until my nails bleed from hanging onto a situation that is clearly not serving me, my growth, my well being or my dreams. but baby step by baby step is easy and comfortable and feels safe for me. i needn’t worry about 2012 when i am right here right now in today in this moment. and what might feel good in this moment? and how can i care for myself in this moment?

    mercedes i feel so good to read your supportive comments. i appreciate your presence.

    dock – good to “read” you. haven’t in awhile. thank you for the list of feeels. i am going to check it out when i get back on my computer.

    simply shannon thanks for the link also.

    i feel good. i got up at a decent hour despite going to bed late. i have some work today and money coming in feels GOOD! and i am a magician and i am going to pull something out of the hat and i feel very EXCITED to find out what it is and see how things unfold.

    my energy is back on my ex. not in a laser focus way. but in a ‘he is so delicious’ way. ‘ and our coffee date was actually one of our more honest relaxed dates. and then he called me the next day to say good morning. and now i feel veryy attracted to him again.

    still circular dating though and open to just let what is best for me and what feels happiest to evolve.

    i feel scared to let people in my life. but i feel open to do it or rather to allow it, baby step by baby step.

  123.  #123Katja on October 20, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Thank you for the link to that list,DocK. I just printed it out 🙂

    Love to all of you!

  124.  #124Dorothea on October 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    So I’m in Paris! I haven’t commented in a very long time but I’ve been reading often:)

    I have a question for Rori and all of you…what if a man IS prepared to put a ring on your finger, but you want to wait to see that old problems with him are not still a problem before you commit to exclusivity? I feel entitled to circular date still, but I’m not entirely sure how to approach the subject with him or even with myself.

    I personally want to keep circular dating because if things get frustrating between me and him, I don’t want him to be the center of my love life. It feels overwhelming and all-consuming. I’m not ok with feeling that way. I’ve shared this with him but at the same time, I know it sounds hurtful and unconventional to him that I won’t give up dating other men, so I would really appreciate some input.

  125.  #125alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    i feel very curious about that as well dorothea. i belive rori recommends that we always continue to circular date. even when married. except of course obviously it changes once you get married. it wouldn’t be full on “dating” from my understanding.

    i feel no rush to get married. that’s 4 sho. george clooney said marriage is an end game. i feel similar. but i do want a partner for life. ok i may have just stopped making sense to others right there.

    so a man who texts as a first contact and then never does anything else is not a rowing man in my opinion. some people don’t even have text capabilities on their phone. his text could have never been received. he has no way of knowing. still either the interest level was not high enough or the courage level is too low or the level of self essteem is too low or he’s a girly man who often is the same as a whiny man.

    so i feel strongly that this is a good filter for me. i’ve called more than once for job opportunities. if i want something i try and get it. i don’t try once and give up. a manly man ROWS nd loves high degrees of difficulty in a woman(coupled with appreciation and warmth and openness – the goddess is the reward or the “win”)

    anyway i don’t even have to worry about it so much. i feel best to just follow my feelings as my guide on my responses.

  126.  #126Dorothea on October 20, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Yes, this man in particular rows practically against the current…I always feel like I am being difficult or unlikeable, but he sees it as genuine and he is always describing something about me that he doesn’t realize are simply called BOUNDARIES, hehe.

    How the heck does circular dating work if you are married? I can imagine flirting with some man and what would happen when said man learns I’m married, or when my husband learns that I am flirting with men when he’s not around…yikes!

  127.  #127Mercedes on October 20, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    AG: You didn’t stop making sense to me! I don’t want to get married, but I also want a partner for life. I have found mine and intend to hold onto it forever…without marriage.

    Willie Nelson said “The next time I think I want to get married I’m going to go out and find a woman I don’t like very much and buy her a house.” LOL….I wonder what the house would look like and I wonder if maybe I could make him not like me very much… 🙂

    Much Love,

  128.  #128Dorothea on October 20, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    aw I feel super left out because I do want to get married..the word marriage means a lot to me and feels very important to me. I wouldn’t want to date a man who didn’t feel the same way.

    ok i’m going to sit back down and put my bonnet on.:P

  129.  #129Mercedes on October 20, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Awww Dorthea…don’t feel left out…I think I’m in the minority here. Marriage means a lot to me too. I was married. It didn’t work and I don’t want to do it again. But I do want it for others and I am able to celebrate a union between two people no matter how they choose to be. Marriage is a good thing for some…it is not for me. That’s okay. Believe me, I’ve felt left out many times when my friends either are or want to be married and they don’t understand my decision. Most women will try to convince me I’m wrong or with the wrong guy since I don’t want to marry him. I disagree. I believe we all have our dreams and desires for our perfect relationships and they are all different in some ways. I love that about people.

    Much Love,

  130.  #130Dorothea on October 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    it’s all good.

    now back to my question about how to handle circular dating when you’re married (or might as well be)….

  131.  #131Linda on October 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Janjune… most the guys on match are on POF. And I would not give any of my ick guys to you or anyone. I have been in POF pond.

    I have found writing just who you are and what you want is good enough. Some guys pay attention to what is written and some dont. I have a list of my favorite things in my profile. I get lots of comments on that. It is fun. I change it up and it ranges from sweet wine to a kiss that stirs my soul. I get you sound poetic and well grounded and ….. that lets you know that they read your stuff.

    Cassandra… live your life. close doors. let him do his thing…dont take his calls…. or his hand outs. I had a man I loved with all my heart… show up to change my oil with hickies on his neck who was supposed to be with his kids the night before. I said..”why are you here?…. go away!…. I did not take the oil change. It was to appease his guilty conscious. He made my skin crawl from that point on.

    I KNOW it is hard to let go of the image we have in our head we love what was but is not now. Facing that reality is hard. I have a hard time with that too. My rule of thumb is… words are words. Actions are real. You can hope for a change for the better but keep your feel on the ground and head there too. I am speaking from experience!

    And… you know what ladies? I have decided I dont like texting!… it has its place but… sheesh call me on the phone. If you dont have time to talk to invest talking to me forget it. There is so much misunderstanding because you cant hear tone of voice etc.

    I have a text phone I use it and I cant talk at work but if all a guy does is text mostly I have a red flag. I know I am older than some of you but dont you agree that it is quiet impersonal. It can be fun… flirty…. keep touch when you cant talk at work but…. as a main line communication NO WAY…

    Communication, real talking is so important to relationship in my book. Texting just cant do that justice. It is an offering of crumbs in my book if they dont talk. Didnt I read that guys are being taught to text girls they want to keep on the back burner but not really interested in!….. that p**ses me OFF!…. See I knew that was was going on… I had one guy text me all the time and not make time for me. I want a real relationship with skin on it. Not a cyber, text, empty imaginary… what did he mean… by that comment relationship.

    I know… we did this before a long time ago but if we are on the same websites (POF)… maybe we could look at each others profiles and offer help if you want… I dunno just a though. It is kinda fun to see what each of us look like ….. fun to see fellow goddesses!



  132.  #132nikita on October 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm


    Dance class….ballroom
    no alcohol, perfectly innocent, and a sexy asset to any woman…shows passion for something other than your husband..

    vacationing once a year with just the girls….letting him miss you and filling your feminine soul…

    hot gay masseuse ….”honey, I’m off to see ‘fabio’ at the salon to rub out these deep kinks in my glutes” 🙂
    of course your husband as met fabio and fabio is obviously not going to be having a “real” affair with his wife.

    always taking care in your appearance…lipstick and mascara at the supermarket…..reminds you that you are desired by others and hubby….hubby is proud to see other men would happily take his place….

    just some thoughts if circular dating were permissable in a union…

  133.  #133Linda on October 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    BY the way… my picture is profile is back up on the same website (POF) that I met Mr Scrutiny on. After 5 weeks he wrote.. that it messes with him and sends a dart through his heart everytime he sees my picture. Well… it is was his doing that it up there again anyway. So be it…. He even commented that he thought my new glasses and new pictures were very “smart”… meaning looks good I guess….

    sigh…. (back to reality)….. so if he was man enough to claim me he could take care of the darts. But that is not the case. THis guy knows I love him. I have not made it any secret, maybe he thinks that I wont take up with anybody else…. cause he has my heart and I am just waiting on him…. Guess what… I am up for any yummy wonderful man to step up and knock this guy off my horse and sweep me off my goddess feet!….

    I love the circular dating concept. I have choices. I am not sitting around at home locked away. I would love for him to be everything he talked about… even be what he says in his profile. He said he paid for everything he has and is getting a new car…. well the truth is he filed bankrupty and his car is being repossesed!…. LOL… he said he wants a woman with spiritual fruits that is sensual and shapely and and a help mate…. um…. NOT… cause he passed on me. So buyer, shopper beware. Time reveals it all. IF you can stand them that long.

    Love to all you goddesses.


  134.  #134Bethany on October 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    AG, I feel really interested in this statement you made: “so a man who texts as a first contact and then never does anything else is not a rowing man in my opinion. some people don’t even have text capabilities on their phone. his text could have never been received. he has no way of knowing. still either the interest level was not high enough or the courage level is too low or the level of self essteem is too low or he’s a girly man who often is the same as a whiny man.” I feel a little crestfallen, which feels like a wilting in my stomach on the one hand, but on the other I feel sort of excited and wise, because ALL the guys who’ve contacted me, except one, have texted before calling. This feels kind of wimpish to me, but I also understand a guy feeling a nervous wreck to call a woman out of the blue. I feel disappointed because I don’t wimpy guys, but I feel wise because maybe that’s all I can handle at this point deep down. I feel excited because it seems to be going the way Rori says it goes: the frogs come first, then as you heal, the better guys show up as you get better inside…

    Mercedes, I read your awesome post about online dating (thanks for posting, Shannon). It really hit the nail on the head about some questions I had. I felt freaked out by your story about your first experience…whoa! I am driving myself tonight and won’t go directly home…do a few circles around town beforehand, maybe…

    Linda, you said, “Communication, real talking is so important to relationship in my book. Texting just cant do that justice. It is an offering of crumbs in my book if they dont talk.” Yep, amen to that…it’s “easy.” PLUS I usually have stuff I want to get done and can’t if my phone keeps buzzing every 5 minutes. I feel annoyed…I want a guy to CALL me, not just text all the time. If another one tries to get into a text conversation with me, I will text back “I feel impatient having long text conversations. It would feel much better to speak to you and get to know you better.”

  135.  #135alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    mercedes i totally bust out loud laughing at that willie nelson comment. haha.

    dorothea i don’t want you to feel left out. diiferent strokes for different folks. if i wanted a family i would probably choose marriage. marriage is very romantic and i would take the vows very seriously. which for me would mean for life. and i just don’t know if i could make that commitment without going day by day with it.

    who knows maybe i will get married. ???

    i do know i have never really been asked (except by a homeless man as i walked by) so i tend to attract similar to me men. and you will attract a man that WANTS to marry YOU. !! 🙂

    yeah texting as a main form of commication feels so bleh-whatever to me. i lose interest quickly. or i don’t respond. however i feel. depends on the moment, the person, the text.

  136.  #136Mercedes on October 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Bethany: Yeah…that was crazy! It didn’t change my view of online dating or cause me to stop meeting men that way or to be consumed by any sort of fear or anything…but it did cause me to be aware and to stay safe. It caused me to be smart…not scared. In any case, the guy still sends me a text every now and then. LOL I don’t know how much longer he can stand one-sided conversations! 🙂

    Dorthea: I agree with everything Nikita said. Be happy, pretty, sexy, confident and take time for yourself and with the girls. I meet new men every single day. I do not give out my phone number and I do not take theirs, but I meet them, I smile…I allow them to help me feel confident and sexy. I bring home that same confident, sexy vibe and J is all over it!

    AG: Cyber high-five for you!!

    Much Love,

  137.  #137alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    so a man emailed to ask me to go to fright fest at magic mountain. which sounds SOOOOOOOO FUN to me!!!! but i haven’t even talked with this dude. this was his first email. so i emailed back and said it sounds fun and generous. i would feel concerned a man might have some sort of expectation attached. also i feel curious whether we would even get along well enough for such an excursion.


    thanks for what you sirens wrote about this very situation earlier. very helpful.

  138.  #138tinque on October 20, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Linda _ I’m so with you on texting. I blocked all texting on my phone.

    Dorothea – There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage. It’s a lovely concept, a beautiful promise between two people. Even after two disastrous one, I still feel the “idea” is special, but the reality is, it really doesn’t have any meaning. My relationship couldn’t be a more committed one, and the love and passion run deeply. Now that we have come to this place, marriage no longer matter to me anymore. We still will likely do it because our society makes it difficult for couple who are not. Common law doesn’t exist anymore.
    That said, have the wedding. Have an amazing ceremony, but ONLY if you are sure this man is “the one”. I hear hesitation from you.
    nikita outlines circular dating well. It doesn’t mean you are available. It means you don’t close yourself off to the world.

  139.  #139alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    bethany. if i were someone else i would read what i write with a grain of salt. i tend to make it difficult for men partly because i am scared of anyone actually getting close to me.

    probably other woman have had fulfilling relationships with men who texted first. i know women on here have shared that they don’t care and actually prefer texting.

  140.  #140DejaVu on October 20, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    “Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?”

    WOW. Truly amazing how much that sentence hit home! I must say that I have learned more from this site than any book I’ve read or any friends ‘advice’. Today I drew a line in the sand, so to speak. I politely delivered my best attempt ( new at this) at a feeling message. I was polite, expressed how I felt, what I was comfortable accepting…….and I am going to try my best to occupy my free time with things that make me happy, instead of waiting for the crumbs of an imaginary relationship. I believe we COULD have one, and a good one at that, but not unless he steps up ( your words). Thank you for the work you do! Hoping I can stick to this because I know that I miss him every day that I don’t see/hear from him. Any advice / feedback on what I did today? I’m feeling like I have taken back a bit of control.

  141.  #141Flipper on October 20, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Welcome to Paris, Dorothea

    A lot of Frenchwomen seem to be instinctual circular-daters, especially of the ‘married woman kind’ (“dating” isn’t practiced much in the way it is in the U.S.). Strong women, passionate about many things. I am often amazed by the confidence they exude ; they obviously believe in themselves – in their beauty, even the very plain ones , and are comfortable with their bodies, and in pampering themselves. I was just at a booksigning for a new book by Jamie Cat Callen ‘Frenchwomen Never Sleep Alone’. It analyzes their chic and mystique, and there are lots of good tips in there for building up our self esteem.

    And some new ways of meeting real (as opposed to online) men and looking at ‘dates’. And though organizing the gourmet dinner parties she plays up might be a bit much, having more casual get-togethers including our girlfriends, where we can recycle the good-guy-but-no-sparks dates (for us), exes that We now consider as friends and maybe a spare brother or two, provide an opportunity to get acquainted in a more natural setting. Participants don’t come as a dating pair and the pressure is off.

    (A bonnet? – are you sure about that? When in Rome…..) xxx (bisous)

  142.  #142gina on October 20, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    I feel SO WEIRDED OUT! I’ve went on a couple of dates over the weekend, and I have another on Thursday, so I’m getting in on the circulation. But a couple of weird things are going on. First, the guy I work with who showed a red flag by insulting me when I expressed passion about something, has been turning on the attraction vibes big time lately,and I’ve been as feminine as possible, leaning back enjoying it. But then today, he was walking past me and he threw dirty sushi rags in my face! “Flirting,” apparently. I felt majorly turned off. And I had a hard time remaining feminine about it. Later, he was being sarcastic to flirt with me, and I gave up the femininity and told him that I think his idea of flirting is my idea of abuse. I dunno. It’s so hard for my masculine side to not want to come out and kick some inadequate male BUTT!

    Then there’s johnny, who I’ve been majorly dissappointed about. Last week I let him know I was coming to dallas for an arts festival and I asked if he was interested. he said that he would go with me. Then a couple of days later, he said “That festival looks pretty cool.” Then I said “cool. my friend and i are thinking of taking the train, but I don’t want to leave you hanging. let me know if you were counting on my to pick you up.” He didn’t respond. the night before the festival, I said “hey I’m just about to go to work and won’t be out till late. you still in for tommorrow?” No response until the next day. He said “hey sorry I didn’t get back to you last night – I was at a wedding. What time are you and your friend heading to the festival?” I said “We’re getting on the train now. Will you call me when you have a chance?” he said “yeah but it may be a while. I’m having brunch with grandpa.” That was at 11:30am and i didn’t hear from him till 6:30pm – he said “still here?” and I said “at the magnolia” (which is a movie theater on the opposite side of town from the arts festival. That was on Sunday night, and he said NoTHING until 7:30 tonight he texted “are you free tonight?” I got the message 2 hours later and said “Wtf?” which is not feminine. I’m having the hardest time finding my feminine response right now. I feel super curious about his behavior. and angry. i want to fight and hurt him, and find out what happened to the good guy I thought he was. I feel so weirded out!!!!

  143.  #143gina on October 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    btw, i know I overfunctioned – I can see it. but i feel so confused about his flaky behavior. is he flaky cause I overfunctioned?

  144.  #144janjune on October 20, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    Rori has this thing with how men think “nailed”.
    i’m completely blown away.
    Mr. Too Much Sex Talk Man called.

    He called my cell this afternoon. I didn’t hear it but saw his number had come up. Didn’t call him back. He called again a few minutes ago. We went out a week ago tonight and i haven’t heard from him in the meantime.

    I am speechless.
    He said he would like to go out again would I go out with him? I stuttered and stutttered some more and didn’t answer. He said he really enjoyed my company and wanted to know if there was anywhere I’d like to go, was there somewhere I’d been wanting to go?

    I ignored that.
    Nikita — I told him just told him straight out
    “I’m stammering around because I wasn’t prepared for you to call me. I don’t feel like we’re on-line dating for the same reason. I’m not on-line dating to find men to have sex with. There, I said it. I want you to understand that I’m not on-line dating to have sex with men.”

    He said he understood that.
    I said but I don’t feel sure you do understand because I felt really uncomfortable and didn’t enjoy myself the last time we were out.

    he said no he did understand and assured me that that was alright with him.

    I said “Well, I don’t want to feel pressured or made to feel uncomfortable about my choice. I just don’t feel like we’re on the same page about it. People are on line dating for all different reasons and I want to make sure to communicate why I’m on there— I just want to go on dates with men i like and have a good time with them.”

    He said he understood what i was saying and that sounds good to him.

    then we just sat there.

    then he asked if i’d been to this certain blues and jazz club. i hadn’t. he said is there somewhere you want to go? I said yes, i’d been wanting to go to the art museum. He said, well, we can do both.
    so Sunday afternoon i guess we are going to meet at the art museum and then go to the blues and jazz club to get a bite to eat.

    well, we’ll see how it goes…i feel apprehensive but don’t think he’d waste his time if he didn’t see *me* ….too many other people out there to go out with…oh, i don’t know. checking in with myself i feel alright about it. i’ll see how i feel. can cancel if i don’t feel good about it later.

    i’m just blown away though….
    i’m not talking about *this* date with *this* man in particular, but RORI, thank you so much. my life feels SOOO much better than it did two months ago…


  145.  #145janjune on October 20, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    the new guy who emailed last night as i was trying to register on plentyoffish.com hasn’t emailed back.
    well, yes, he did, he emailed again asking if i had gotten his first email.
    he sent his regular email address telling me i could get around the dating site filters by using that. Ha!!!

    I told him in my reply i didn’t want to get around the filters but i was on there to meet nice men and date them and that was all! Told him i didn’t want to waste anybody’s time or vice versa.
    I prob wont’ hear back. Fine with me.

  146.  #146janjune on October 20, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    ‘I feel scared of circular dating! I feel scared of men. I feel scared of their bigness and strangeness. I feel worried about being murdered by a creepy man. I feel worried about hurting men’s feelings. ”

    Gina, i feel so much those ways too.


  147.  #147janjune on October 20, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    thanks for the tip about the two dating sites having basically the same men. i love what you said about the soul stirring kisses… but i’m afraid to put something like that on my profile. it sounds very genuine though and yes, poetic too. Beautiful.

    i keep getting men sent to me that just are basically not matchable. like today I got a professor from the nearby university and a guy who says one of his favorite places is Bahamas. Wonderful men i’m sure.

    I’m going to check that i like fishing and hunting, i’d go fishing if they asked me,
    and take out that i like wine and museums.
    i didn’t check travel but they keep sending me these men who have been around the world five times and now they’re looking for something REALLY fun to do!!

    Started working on new profile this morning. was really getting satisfied with how it was worded, etc., and LOST IT!!!!! Oh well, anyway i’ll work on it as soon as i can and want to get a new picture up and get up on plentyoffish.

    am going right now to check out shannons link and see what mercedes has to say.


  148.  #148No Bliss on October 20, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    Hi All,

    I am still on my fun Merry-go-round to nowhere.
    I need to hop off, haven’t worked out how yet, need to
    take control and start this circular dating .

    I am not getting any younger, and my ride has been going on for 3 years now. Its time wasting, game playing, life wasting stress no person or child needs.


  149.  #149janjune on October 20, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Rori and goddesses,

    When you’re on line dating is it leaning forward to email a man FIRST?

    It feels very leaning forward to send an email to a man who hasn’t contacted me.


  150.  #150Tina on October 20, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Oh crap! I’ve had complaints from various girlfriends of male friends/aquaintances about my presence 🙁 I have legitimate reasons for being around these guys at some time or another, I do not go out seeking these dudes, only when I need something usually in some sort of official capacity. My presence is not welcomed from these women blah. I feel kinda bad about this, it’s happened in the pass month, about four times plus I get the “look” from women when I come around. I am going on a hunting trip next week, I totally cancelled coffee for five days guy anyway, the whole fckn world is having a “problem” with me going on a fcken date with this guy. I feel really pissed off! WTF! I feel like screamig at them to get a Rori Raye program lol, instead of spending your damn money on makeup plus it aint doing a damn thing for you anway , sheesh get a damn life! grrrrrrrrrrr.

  151.  #151Tina on October 20, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Janjun yes it is leaning forward.

  152.  #152Tina on October 20, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Dont do it unless your wanting to have raw passionate one night possibly two night stand lol.

  153.  #153janjune on October 20, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Hi No Bliss-

    Have you downloaded Rori’s ebook yet?
    The Power and Self-Esteem postings here on the blog are very helpful. She suggests that people start from the beginning and work their way through.

    I feel hopeful for you that you will find the answers you need here. Even making very small changes in thoughts and behavior have made a very big difference in the way I feel about my situation but more importantly about myself.
    As posted earlier, I feel so much different, better, than two months ago and don’t even know or understand what I’m doing yet, I’m just DOING it!

    Sweet dreams,

  154.  #154janjune on October 20, 2009 at 10:07 pm


    thanku! 🙂


  155.  #155Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    DejaVu, Welcome – and Brava to you!!! Your comment sounds wonderful, you sound like you’ve got how this works…just keep practicing and doing what you’re doing..Love, Rori

  156.  #156Daria on October 20, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Meteor Shower tonite in California from 1 AM to dawn.

  157.  #157Tina on October 20, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    The funniest thing happened to me today, I was THINKING about buying a pair of Frye boots, I couldnt find a pair , only online, then I went to a cobbler, she said oh I happen to own a pair I bought back in the day, when she was 16 so that would have been in the 70’s in mint condition, my size hahha life is grande!

  158.  #158nikita on October 20, 2009 at 10:32 pm


    Sweet 🙂

  159.  #159alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    fright night guy says his only expectation is to have fun. and we can meet up before then for coffee or yogurt or something if i feel more comfortable with that.

    i feel scared to just receive. i feel uncomfortable.

    ahhhhhhh help sirens!!!

    that’s a lot of $ he would be spending. i am not used to it. i feel unworthy. 🙁 i feel like i owe him something. i don’t know if i would have given him a chance otherwise. in fact he may have emailed me before and i did not respond.

    honest feedback is welcome

  160.  #160Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Wow – Gina – you’re being constantly challenged and triggered – which is great — it’s helping you figure YOURSELF out. All this is very convoluted and complex, and it doesn’t need to be. Learning to Receive is a huge thing when you’re so used to only giving. Work on that one for a bit and let us know how it goes. Love, Rori

  161.  #161Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Tinque – brilliant: circular dating – It doesn’t mean you are available. It means you don’t close yourself off to the world. Love, Rori

  162.  #162Daria on October 20, 2009 at 10:47 pm


    I feel tingly in my hands and tight in my wrists… i feel hot in my eyes like glazed donuts i feel like my cheekbones are holding marbles…

  163.  #163Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    Okay – re texting. Instead of deciding if it’s good, bad, or wimpy…let’s just call it “style.” Sometimes a man wants to touch you. He wants to speak to you, share something with you. He’s in a giving place. And he doesn’t want to field your voice coming back at him. He’s afraid he’ll have to do something, respond. You could look at this as the ultimate masculine move. To give without worrying about what will happen. So…instead of labeling it at first…clearly it’s a pattern for men…how about you just express yourself as you did…”Text feels icky for a long conversation, I feel so much better hearing your voice” and don’t feel the need to respond quickly to a text. And make it short…”Okay.” “sounds good…” “Ha” “hee hee”….face pictures – stuff like that…Rori

  164.  #164Rori Raye on October 20, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    Nikita – Love these Circular Dating ideas…Rori

  165.  #165alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    i feel scared. i feel ANGRY. i feel angry receiving from a man. g*damnit.

    i feel repulsed. i feel unworthy. i feel locked in. i feel like i owe something but i don’t know what i owe now and i feel uncomfortable. how in the heck can just my company be so worthwhile to a strange man who never met me?

  166.  #166alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    i feel afraid of being tricked. i feel like he will want sex or a kiss.

  167.  #167Tina on October 20, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Of course he wants to be around you Alias girl, you are a GODDESS after all. Do you feel safe enough to feel unsafe for a fun time at fright night?

  168.  #168alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    thank you tina. i feel really confused. i feel like it would be a GREAT EXPERIMENT to do it just to see how I feel and to practice receiving. it is just bringing up all these uncomfortable feelings.

    i feel scared he might be angry i didn’t email him back until he offered a big fun time.

    OR MAYBE he just wants to go and wants female company. and i am good fun female goddess company.

    i feel sighing.

    romantic guy just emailed and said he feels like walking on eggshells. i feel like socking him in his nose. wtf. that is so his problem and his doing and his creation and nothing to do wiht me. i feel so turned off by him now. i emailed him that i feel unsure and that i need to keep dating men. also i emailed that i felt unsure if i was ready to kiss.

    yae. i feel triggered!

  169.  #169alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    he feels like he’s walking on eggshells. ew. i feel repulsed. and angry. like he is projecting all his crap onto me.

    YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. so if you feel that way then you are probably WEAK. and not speaking your truth because you feel AFRAID of another person’s response to you. and that is YOUR PROBLEM that you are not connected to your source/god.

    psssssshh. i feel triggered. ugh. yae!

  170.  #170alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    so he emailed back to my email telling him i felt unsure and that i needed to keep dating and about the kiss:

    he wrote:

    well same here
    but you leave me confused
    because in one of your texts
    you said that you felt good about us seeing
    so anyways …if you dont want me contacting you ..ill understand .not a problem…thanks for being honest
    good luck !!!!

    bleh. did he even read what i wrote? i feel like he added all this crap in there and i never revoked seeing him again. only that i needed to keep dating others and that we kissed too soon. but he is so quick to say good bye and throw in the towel. good. easier for me.

    i wrote back:


  171.  #171Daria on October 20, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    so i just told a man who said whatsup…

    At home feeling like my mind is pouring into this project

    heheh i feel tingly like little white lilly flower bells clinking

  172.  #172Daria on October 20, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    i feel hot lava excitement pushing up through my throat !

  173.  #173Tina on October 20, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Alias girl, I’m going on a date with a guy with a loaded weapon and a sharp knife and going to kill a big beast, gut it out and all that, that is frightening to me lol then possibily sleep in the woods in a camp with no water!!!!! I have camo and a hunter orange lol. Iv’e dated him twice before though , once last year for chicken and ribs and swimming earlier this summer. I feel ok about it. I like shooting guns but it hurts my shoulder to much, I bruise easy unless I get padding.

  174.  #174alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    so mr throw in the towel writes back after my “ok”

    he writes:

    ok what? what are you saying ok too
    and im not looking for something serious
    just to clarify


    i wrote back:

    i do not feel good about someone telling me they feel like they are walking on eggshells with me. i feel certain that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with that person.

    i do not want to be responsible for someone else’s feelings. i feel like i’m being told i’m doing something wrong or that i should be different somehow so someone else can feel more comfortable.

  175.  #175alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    tina i feel highly amused and somewhat mortified by your upcoming hunting date. but it sounds like you are getting some fun out of it and looking forward to it so i feel fun vibes about it!

  176.  #176Tina on October 20, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    I was going to type this Alias girl, he WILL text you back lol he beat me to it

  177.  #177alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    yeah. i’m honestly not feeling it for him. i feel relieved actually that he just kept pushing the communication (and the kiss) and blah. and now i feel like good he just kind of said goodbye on his own! yae!

    i was honest with him. i feel fine about the way i handled it. i just followed my feelings. he feel like he’s walking on eggshells. well i feel like i am being laser focussed and contacted too much.

  178.  #178Tina on October 20, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    Alias girl, I would feel highly offended if a man texted me saying he wasn’t looking for SOMETHING serious. Your date is “triggering” me lol.

  179.  #179alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    i emailed the frightfest guy that maybe meeting casually first is a good idea and that i felt open to that.

    wow. leaps and bounds sometimes instead of baby steps. wow. yikes!

    so tina your long distance date is currently cancelled?

  180.  #180janjune on October 20, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    I can’t go to sleep.
    Thinking about men! Love ’em love ’em.
    Circular dating –this is one time it would be great to be the guy.
    It feels like my boy energy is revolting against my girl energy having to wait to be *picked*. Hadn’t cared until now, i didn’t want to go anyway! Ha!! but now that I want to circular Date i’m ready to go and I want to pick!! It feels like my My Boy energy is sticking up for my Girl energy. This feels funny being so aware.

    Do you goddesses check whether or not youre interested when the dating site sends you men every day that they matched you with? Like yes no or maybe?

    I’ve been doing that but even that sound leaning forward now.
    Do you just check maybe on all of them?
    Is looking at a man’s profile leaning forward?
    I mean it feels very leaning forward to look at a man I don’t know straight in the eyes for 5 seconds. As a matter of fact i cant do it yet. Two seconds is tops.
    Now that I think of it putting my picture and personal life on line ffor people to look at feels leaning forward. and is kind of creeping me out right now.

    Now I’m confused. It all feels leaning forward except going out into your own world every day and meeting the men you would just naturally meet.

    I haven’t gotten comfortable with on-line dating yet. it doesn’t fit.

  181.  #181alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    tina i feel laughing and skeptical and feel amused that he is totally full of crap. that man practically asked me to marry him on our first date and wanted to take me on a min vaca. he’s just saying that. he’s not being straight up.

  182.  #182alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    ok mr-throw-in-the-towel-backpedal-i-take-it-back guy just emailed me a very nice email. blah blah.

    i do not want to date him. —-something feels slippery with him. i don’t feel good or safe.

  183.  #183alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    i don’t want to… ew… i feel ew. JUST LIKE I FELT ABOUT HIS KISS. ew. i feel yuck.

    i just wrote:

    what i am receiving just feels really bad to me right now. i do not want to continue this right now.


    blech. blech blech. i did not feel like practicing feeling messages with him because i will NEVER end up with a man like that or need to have that kind of discussion. i do not need to practice with what feels like toxicity anymore since i am done attracting it my life.

    thank you.

  184.  #184alias girl on October 20, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    janjune i experimented with both. leaning forward and not leaning forward.

    i am not on a dating site that picks men for me so i can’t really offer and suggestions there.

    but i have experimented with emailing men first. it has yet to feel good or have results that please me. but i like to do it if my rotation gets low just so that i can have something going on and practice. i wouldn’t expect a lot of rowers though with making first communication.

    i feel fine about checking out a man’s profile though. it’s kind of like looking him in the eyes to let him know i am possibly interested. i do not feel i am leaning forward when i look at a man’s profile.

  185.  #185janjune on October 21, 2009 at 12:15 am

    I remember reading you have been opening yourself up to abundance in all areas of your life, not just with money, so maybe this expensive date is some of that coming your way.
    If you FEEL SAFE to be with/go with this man, I feel good that you have an opportunity to have a man who likes you spend money on your date and pull out all the stops and show you a good time!!


  186.  #186alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 12:21 am

    thank you janjune. i feel pouty face. i feel unworthy. i don’t THINK i am unworthy. I THINK i am the cat’s meow and all that and all that and all that. I AM LIKE KANYE WEST IN MY HEAD I AM GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!! EVEN BETTER THAN THAT!

    but i feel really teary and unworthy in this moment.

    i feel so good to be opening up to receiving. this is EXACTLY what rori talks about. well maybe not exactly i’m not sure what she would say about this situation but

    she talks about learning to RECEIVE.


    i can at least have coffee with the guy. i just feel guilty.

    haha i feel amused that all these feelings that rori says come up around receiving are coming up. Dang Men must feel even MORE uncomfortable to receive since they aren’t even biologically designed for it.

  187.  #187Tina on October 21, 2009 at 12:25 am

    Alias girl, I did cancel the date. He does keep calling, I just not recieving his calls right now, I simply dont have the patience to deal with him, I feel turned off.

  188.  #188Tina on October 21, 2009 at 12:30 am

    When I use my feeling messages , he is not hearing me. blah, gone to bed! Good night all!

  189.  #189janjune on October 21, 2009 at 12:40 am

    i feel calm reading your on line dating guidelines. they feel reasonable and sane and not overboard either direction.


  190.  #190alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 12:53 am

    goodnight tina. i feel happy you are following your feelings with that long distance man.

    janjune i feel supportive.


  191.  #191Daria on October 21, 2009 at 12:58 am

    Thank you Angels


  192.  #192alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 1:54 am

    did anyone see kanye’s latest music video directed by spike jonze.



    thank you. 🙂

  193.  #193janjune on October 21, 2009 at 1:55 am

    Alias Girl-
    I’ve been receiving from your experiences and want to offer something, if you’re interested. As backward as I am about online dating and other things about men, THIS IS SOMETHING I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT MEN!!:

    It’s fun to be with a man who is enjoying YOUR COMPANY !!! And it’s fun for HIM to be enjoying you.
    Some men do. They just do. They don’t want to marry you, you don’t get all heavy with them, they just simply think you’re a doll and they love being with you and want to *treat* you to a good time.
    It truly is their pleasure!!!
    Alot of people have a lot of money and they don’t mind spending it if they’re having a good time and they want to have you with them because, for them, you just make a good time BETTER. Nobody wants to feel used but that wouldn’t be something goddesses would be doing anyway.
    BUT THERE ARE MEN WHO ARE GOING TO WANT TO SPEND MONEY ON YOU!!! If this expensive date doesn’t happen another one will!!
    I feel excited for you to discover that it’s okay to let it happen.
    I feel hopeful that you can open your arms and your heart to the fun in it! To letting them spend money on you! Show you a good time!! Treat you to special experiences and adventures!! Enjoy the moment with them knowing you don’t owe them anything but the moment you’re in and they don’t owe you anything tomorrow!
    It truly is so much fun for them and for us too!

  194.  #194alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 2:13 am

    aw thank you janjune. i feel really touched by your energy and uplifting support. i feel such sincerity and good will behind it.

    yes i really really want to be open to abundance and receiving and

    i like what you said. i imagine i would be the same way with excess money. if someone’s going to add to your good time why not invite them along. not everybody has the tightness around money that i have had in my past. it’s not a big deal for some people.

    i feel a deep breath. frightfest guy emailed me back and asked when and where i wanted to meet. and maybe it’s just my Weird mode but i felt like ugh. i believe it was daria who said something about one of the men coaches saying when a man asks a woman to make the decision or take care of the logistics she just shuts down.

    that’s how i felt when i got his email. i don’t know. i’ll just keep following my feelings. like you said janjune if it’s not this man offering me a big fun date then it will be another man (men!)

  195.  #195alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 2:16 am

    ok even i am tired of my overposting. i am probably going to stop now but there are no guarantees.

  196.  #196Flipper on October 21, 2009 at 3:11 am

    AG – well he did propose coffee or yogurt, so you could choose between those and leave the rest for him to fill in “”Yogurt feels fun for a change – I’m more free in the middle of the week.” or “I prefer daytime encounters”. What do you think ?

    I loved Janjune’s take on abundance. What if guys took care of all our circular-dating that involved money, and we kept the free stuff for on our own. Sounds like a feel-good budget plan to me.

    (Looking forward to your coming appearance with Kanye.)

  197.  #197Kaitlyn on October 21, 2009 at 4:11 am

    Alias Girl, with the ALL CAPS, you are definitely on the same wavelength as Kanye. LOL.

  198.  #198Cassandra on October 21, 2009 at 5:30 am

    Sirens…..thank you. Once again, I am sooooo far behind in reading all of the posts but will have time this evening to catch up and I feel excited about that. I always feel good reading everyone’s posts and learning and in trying to offer support. I know that is masculine but supporting YOU feels good to me…..just not supporting a man right now.

    Nikita – Bethany – Simply Shannon – Mercedes – AG & Linda…..thanks Sirens. I so appreciated your posts and I think I am going to sign up for an online site later on today or tonight. I would like to do match only because I have been on that site before and am familiar with it and my old profile is still on there but not activated. I checked it yesterday. I have a girlfriend on POF and she does not like that one so much so for now I will stick with match but SS…thanks for the insight on the other sites and I WILL check out the men on match before signing up again. Great idea! Bethany I appreciated your input and even though you said it was masculine….I felt supported and good. 🙂 Mercedes…thank you so much for reminding me that Charles has been so terribly mean to me. I feel as though one of my challenges is that after he says or does something so cruel and mean as soon as he does something nice or ‘loving’ or caring the bad stuff that he has done flies right out the window of my memory and my heart feels good again. I feel that is a BIG deal for me to over come. I am actually going to write down on paper some of the horrible things he has done so that I can look at that and remind myself of what kind of man he is. Maybe that will help me? I am sooooo open to ideas if anyone has any more? You are so right too about the control that he has over me and about the fact that he knows it! It feels like my heart is getting torn to pieces each time he calls or we see each other and it is so hard to have him still around. I don’t know why he is doing the things that he is doing for me perhaps it is out of guilt but part of me DOES want to hear from him and for things to get back to the good but the other part of me knows that this is truly who he is and will always be and that will NOT change. AG….I loved what you said about holding on to something familiar until your nails bleed rather than moving on to the scary ‘new’ things even though those new things can be so good. What you said is exactly how I feel. I do feel fear. HUGE FEAR and UNCOMFORTABLENESS and DEEP SADNESS as I was not supposed to be in a lonely apartment again all by myself. I don’t feel afraid of being alone though as I have been alone since ai got here and in every other relationship that i have been in so it is not a fear of being alone per se……. but I don’t WANT to be alone. I DO feel fear of the unknown though BIG TIME! Linda…you are so right about the words are only words thing!! Most of his are beyond empty. I felt happy when you said that you did not take his oil change! I did allow Charles to do mine yesterday but that saved me money and helped me so I took that help. He will also be helping me with my brakes later in the week and that too will help me money wise otherwise I would not have let him do it. BTW….I HATE texting too! LOL

    I have to run for now but feel excited to get caught up and offer my support and love to everyone. I feel so thankful for this island and for every one of you. I am sending lots of love and hugs….xoxo


  199.  #199Simply Shannon on October 21, 2009 at 7:24 am

    I feel triggerd, amused, closed off, and scared. I’ve now met two men that could easily ring my bell. One who I’m digging in a big way. He is very interested in me. Definitely a rower and a pursuer. LOVE that. Okay, at least my conscious brain loves that. We had a great conversation last night about what we’re both looking for. He point blank told me that I’m #1 on his list of 1. And this is a goooood guy. Got his stuff together, good job, three kids, really locked down kind of guy. (Interesting choice of words…keep reading.)

    So after our talk, I went to sleep. I had a dream/nightmare last night. Here’s the text I sent myself so I wouldn’t forget it.
    – – – – – – –
    Dreamed of escaping another madman. older guy. beard. long hair. my parents were there protecting me while he held me captive. i ran out while everyone slept. tried waking my folks but ran out anyway. the cage bars closed around the house. then i woke up.
    – – – – – – –
    Back when the whole thing was happening around A, I had pretty much the same nightmare.

    My conclusion…

    I feel scared to death to be committed to anyone. The one thing in the world that I want more than anything and I feel scared about it. WTF? Really, really trying not to bug out on this guy I’m seeing and show him that the Wizard of Oz is really just a munchkin. AHHHHHH!

    My arms literally feel tingly and my neck is tight. I don’t want to feel scared. I don’t want to feel pressured into a quick relationship (my pattern). I don’t want to be locked down. I want to be pursued and feel free to choose. This being open and vulnerable thing feels like my heart is sitting outside my chest and I’m afraid of someone squeezing it too hard.

    I feel concerned for myself. I feel weird.


  200.  #200gina on October 21, 2009 at 7:46 am

    after I texted “wtf” johnny wrote “WtF?! A local theater was offering tickets 2 for 1 and i was going to invite you…Nevermind.” Then I called him cause I AM SO SICK OF TEXTING!!! and then he texted back “I’m at the theater.” but did he call afterwords? no. And he thought i was going to drive myself to his local theater? Man, we’ve been over this – I’m not down to drive to him. I’ve said this to him like 3 times. SHEESH!!! I feel suspicious. is he gay? is he involved with other women? is he incredibly selfish? is he lying? is he just not into me? I feel like i want to figure it out BEFORE I can receive from him. How dare he call me at 730 at night and ask me to drive myself to some discount movie an hour away when he flaked out on me just the other day, and he’s barely been in contact for the last month. How do I feel???? I feel in the dark. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. I feel confused. I feel fear. I feel sad. I feel turned off. I feel curious. I feel disappointed.

  201.  #201gina on October 21, 2009 at 7:47 am

    but more than that, I feel angry! and I feel scared of his anger.

  202.  #202gina on October 21, 2009 at 8:14 am

    the problem is that i think he was up to no good by even asking me if I was free – my friend was like “he’s bored. he doesn’t care about you at all. he was curious about your response.” This thinking doesn’t seem to be in keeping with learning to receive. How can I receive when I want to reject??

  203.  #203nikita on October 21, 2009 at 8:26 am

    Alias Girl,

    Frightfest guy may already have tickets…..and now he’s looking for a date…..so as the abundance comes your way it may not be money spent directly on you but on an experience he wants….you are just going along for the ride…the luck of the draw..so to speak…

    I’ve been invited to some pretty fancy stuff all because the guy had a girlfriend but they broke up and now he’s just trying to not waste the investment….and still have a good time…..

    xx nikita

  204.  #204nikita on October 21, 2009 at 8:32 am


    This may sound trite but…..You can do better….you’re in NY……you can do a ton better…….unemployed men tend to do silly stuff…..until they get their mission back….maybe he was trying to save gas by not picking you up….who knows….maybe he found a sugarmama LOL!

    heehee sorry 🙁

    I don’t like speculating about other people’s motives……
    I just feel like something really beautiful is out there looking for you and your light is hidden under J’s bushel.

    The anger feels good to me 🙂

  205.  #205nikita on October 21, 2009 at 8:58 am


    this guy emailed me…..I blew him off a month ago…..he was a text guy…..OMG he has my number, he can’t dial?
    I mean if he can type….can’t he dial? ugh-they act so tough but clearly they’re scared to death of rejection.


  206.  #206nikita on October 21, 2009 at 9:00 am

    oooooh I feel like the only one out here on the pretty pink island….the other Sirens must be at the spa…..
    Did I oversleep again…I didn’t know it was spa day on the island…..mmmm…..maybe I’ll just hand out and write in the sand…

  207.  #207Tina on October 21, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Nikita, I missed the spa, I slept in 🙂

  208.  #208tinque on October 21, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Shannon – I see your dream differently. The crazy bearded guy is someone you’re afraid of. Sure. Who wouldn’t be scared of a not very well formed (evolved) man, unkempt, mad as in crazy. Apparently you’ve encountered such men before. The image is obviously figurative.
    BUT you ran away from this kind of man/beast, AND the bars closed around HIM, not you with him. I say this is good. You’ve put that piece away. You’re free to do it differently.

  209.  #209nikita on October 21, 2009 at 9:28 am


    Can we have gelato for breakfast……and cornish hens for dinner ?

    HAHA 🙂

  210.  #210Tina on October 21, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Oh dream interpretation, fun. Shannon does this make sense?. Your trapped in a house (your body) with your parents protecting you (you) masculine/feminine. Both your masculine and feminine are asleep in the house caged in with the crazy guy. Your little girl escapes. At one point you said they (your parents) were protecting you then they fell asleep, your little girl escapes leaving your parents in the house with the crazy guy. Your little girl is trying to wake them to maybe do what escape with you?. You feel ok with your parents being caged in with crazy guy. Crazy guy is you, I doubt your insane. The cage could represent your boundaries? Anxiety? fear? Trusting yourself, How do I trust my little girl if she is running away in fear (as children do) leaving your parents with the crazy guy figure. Like you said the Wizard sometimes is just a munchkin pulling strings and pressing buttons, creating a smoke screen, tricks lol.

  211.  #211Tina on October 21, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Nikita, Im cooking turkey soup ha, its experimental but smells great, I made a big pot to share!

  212.  #212Tina on October 21, 2009 at 9:52 am

    I was taught that when I am cooking food to share, that only good thoughts are allowed when cooking. I added a little pinch of jealousy though lol, dang! ah well

  213.  #213nikita on October 21, 2009 at 10:08 am


    I love soup! I feel it’s very important to cook with love..an essential ingredient….

    I had a dream….if you….

    well, I was meeting proposal guy but before that I was in a car-driving i think and ended up in a bad area….this guy tried to steel my purse..he had a gun…we struggled with it as i pretended to hand it over…..I grabbed the gun and it went off…it wasn’t loaded….then i got really angry at this kid..i snatched it and started pistol whipping him and made him take me to who put him up to it, we went into the building i met some girls he knew…i was very angry…then the police came…so i went downstairs with my hands up….they saw it was me and then arrested him….i left because i had a very important date!…..then i got home-or to the hotel/something…i think my dad was there..he met my date….and then i went to the bathroom…my date followed me in to be alone with me i guess…he started groping me and kissing me roughly…not at all how he usually feels to me…i got upset and pulled away..i told him to stop..then i looked at him and i realized it was his twin brother…tricking me!….i was so upset i shoved him away..but relieved it wasn’t my date….couldn’t believe my sweetie had an evil twin that kissed me!

    um..so….any thoughts???


  214.  #214nikita on October 21, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Btw- this guy does not have a twin in real life.

  215.  #215LostinLove on October 21, 2009 at 10:22 am

    Rori HELP!!

    First I want to saythat you are RIGHT about circular dating! It has taken me months since buying your “Targeting Mr. Right” to actually do it, but I signed up last Thursday, and I have to THANK YOU for changing my life with this shift. The first couple days, I was feeling awful about even putting up my profile (Plenty of Fish, girls, many attractive men there because the site is so navigable). But I stuck to your idea that I am NOT looking for anyone! I already HAVE a boyfriend, a man I love, and I am just doing this for self help. I had to really tell myself I am not leaving my bf to do this, just looking to explore RECEIVING from men.

    I have strictly followed the rules in your CD program in terms of not initiating, not looking at THEIR profiles (letting them look at me), feeling messages in the profile, good pictures, and strictly abiding by the scripts you suggest in your “Targeting Mr. Right” for when they email.

    I am getting about 30 new emails A DAY, Rori. Some I don’t like and I kindly reply back “thanks but, no thanks” (they very much appreciate that!), but 30 emails a day means I have about 4 days with very attractive men next week–all in a few days of being on this site. A man is taking me to the symphony on Saturday after our FIRST MEET last weekend.

    But I need your help badly!! Rori, the men I have met so far are all GREAT MEN. They are all different and I am afraid…all quickly falling in love with me. I am afraid this entire thing is going to crash and I am going to end up hurting some very good people in the process. My question is really, how many dates should I go on with each one of them if I just don’t feel the spark? I know that often, it takes time to get to know someone. So how long should I be thinking to let them take me out? These men are all giving me gifts, taking me to expensive places. I’m using the tools to follow their lead and they are all pretty GREAT in their own way….so what is the point where I say goodbye to some of them? As specific as you can be would be very helpful. I’m very attractive and have a very passionate spirit–I have had men trying to hurt me for “rejecting” them….so I am becoming worried about how to handle all this. Is there something I should say upfront? I’ve already been explicit in my profile that I’m just out to date and for meeting men but it never is that way for them. Please help me! I am a little afraid and this has been such a great experience so far.

  216.  #216LostinLove on October 21, 2009 at 10:28 am


    I am also wondering, after doing this…if I really WANT just ONE man!! This has been such an incredible experience to “expand my neighborhood” as you say, and now all of a sudden I can see why my girlfriends are so unhappy! Because they never did this and settled for something that was less than they deserved. Why were we taught to be loyal to one man at a time before WE decided to get married? Maybe the guys had it right. All of a sudden I have realized that I can not only choose, but be HIGHLY selective in who I am with. This is the greatest gift the internet has given us! I am truly amazed!

  217.  #217LostinLove on October 21, 2009 at 10:30 am

    And BTW, in terms of my boyfriend, we do NOT have an exclusive relationship (his terms), which is why I am doing this, because that is what I need.

  218.  #218nikita on October 21, 2009 at 10:40 am

    ooooh…….now i feel tempted to sign up on plentyoffish…mmmm…

    I don’t feel a non-exclusive boyfriend is a boy-friend…that feels like dating to me….

  219.  #219tinque on October 21, 2009 at 10:46 am

    I’m totally with you on this nikita…

  220.  #220alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 11:44 am

    thank you flipper and nikita. i feel helped! 🙂 i emailed him and used flippers suggestions.

    kaitlyn—– hahaha i feel like you “got” me. i feel smiley.

    Simply Shannon-
    “Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!” – Chandler Bing

    haha just kidding. seriously i loved tinque’s take on your dream. and you seem to be clear on what you don’t want and how you feel. i feel good to read your clarity. i feel scared of immediate commitment as well. so maybe baby step by baby step i can find a way that feels good with a partner.

    gina – i can only receive from men (and people) who are actually giving me something.

    cassandra i feel supportive. i feel good to read you feeling your feelings.

    tina – mmmm food made with love. how nourishing. mmmm. i feel Hungry!!!


  221.  #221nikita on October 21, 2009 at 11:54 am

    i feel pouty..i want proposal guy…..i feel selfish and pouty…..i want what i want….i feel like going after him 🙁

  222.  #222alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    nikita. um it seems he wants you too. that is, at least, how i interpret a marriage proposal. i feel confused. 🙂

  223.  #223Tina on October 21, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Nikita, sounds like you know intuitively that you are um “falling off your horse,” the father figure is interesting.

    Oh soup and tricks, I cant wait for halloween! I havnt really decided what I want to do yet.

  224.  #224nikita on October 21, 2009 at 1:00 pm


    Falling off my horse???

    what does that mean…..you mean the dream?

  225.  #225Linda on October 21, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Hi. another work day under m belt. I read the posts. There seems to be alot of hub bub about POF. I have been on there off and on since January. It is a good site. In all I have met to date 15 men…. I have not had the success that Lost in Love has had. Sheesh 30 a day? I need some new scripts then.

    My profile has good pics and I think represents me well. It has my creative flare but maybe I am not presenting myself right yet. I am not sure what is right. I get lots of emails with little blurbs… OMG you are beautiful no way are you 50 etc etc. These guys are gawking and not really interested in being real. It is nice to be noticed though.

    Things I have learned on POF… when you first sign up you will get lots of email then it dies down a bit.

    You can mark your profile in mail settings so that no one knows that you looked at their profile. That is how I like it. I dont… look at profiles first and I dont write first. I experiemented with it and did not get good results. Men usually dont respond. The ONLY man I ever contacted first and got a positive response from was “Mr Scrutiny”.

    I want to know, how to approach this in attitude. I AM looking for someone to be in my life permanently. I dont approach these men from a…”oh you are gonna be the one” please please I hope I hope…. attitude but it is a goal of mine to find “My man”…. So I dont know if I am doing something wrong or not that way. Worring about my vibe messes with my head… i just need to be me and take each man and each day one at a time.

    You see, I have had men be very forward and giving, rowing, pursuing throughout this year, but it is like they just do it for a short while. So I have learned to watch and practice, but I dont get all excited about any behavior anymore it seems. I can say getting a great email is wonderful, but I dont get all giggly over it cause the reality is it all just does not seem to last. Longevity and consistancy…is what I am paying attention to.

    FOr example: I got an email from the guy I saw for about 3 weeks. He contacted me first… he was 10 years younger. I met him we had some chemistry. He called me all the time, text some. Was touchy feely, kissy, snuggly… did little things for me…the vibe was great! A real rower… great kisser, I could be a girl with him. BUT!…but then all the sudden poof… he said he was going to ask another woman to marry him. LOL

    I dont know what to watch for, feel like, or think is good or positive anymore. He did the classic things we all are looking for by these standards here and his heart was somewhere else. I mean REALLY!…. what the kinda luck is that I ask.

    I was told so many times by Mr Scrutiny that I just was not what he was “exactly” looking for… so I let it go and he keeps poppin his head back in my life with his email. I ignored them, but it messes with my head. It ALL messes with my head.

    TOday I just want someone who is real who wants a great relationship that I am attracted to. I am tired of coming home and being alone. I did that when I was married for cryin out loud!….

    When does the quality of men go up, when do they get real. What is wrong with this picture and me? I am not made nor happy being alone. I want a man to share my life with, do things with etc…. why cant I have the man I want. I wanted a specific man, still do. Sometimes I dont even know why I want him. It is the way I felt with him, the way we flowed together in conversation, all of it. damn…. I feel frustrated. I feel frozen and totally surrounded by ice and all I have is this little ice pic to chissel out with. I NEED A BREAKTHRU.


  226.  #226nikita on October 21, 2009 at 1:02 pm


    well……..the proposal isn’t exactly on the table…i feel relief from that….I think he was just being playfully curious…

  227.  #227alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    nikita. i feel a lot of confusion but i feel okay about that because it’s not my situation. so i feel good to be supportive.

    i am researching sex online. i want to have a good sex relationship that feels good and true. i want to find the lid to my pot. thank you for helping me create a situation that feels free and open and expansive and loving and adoring and also hot and sexy and mutually satisfying. thank you.

  228.  #228janjune on October 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    it feel exciting to hear the goddesses who like on line dating and are successful at it!

    i’m still dealing with being scared and feeling very “out there”.
    I feel Very vulnerable physically and do not feel safe.
    it feels like the men have too much control.
    it feels like an “at risk” situation.
    I don’t feel safe like i normally do.

    I am going to keep at it, going at my own pace, feeling my way though, checking in with myself to see how I feel.

    the man who emailed about me *getting around the dating site filters* wasn’t happy when i expressed that i wasn’t interested in getting around the filters nor when i told him that i was on line to date, and no other reason.

    he emailed back and said i had misinterpreted his approach and his motive.

    my feeling was, well, i don’t know that *have*.
    1. I had *stated* that i wasn’t intrested in getting around the dating site filters.
    2. stated *my* reason for being on the site so he could determine, up front, whether he was interested in pursuing it further.

    i felt i don’t want someone telling me how to interpret my feelings. i feel what i feel.

    …it would have felt alot better if he would have looked at my header that says “NEW TO ON LINE DATING” and gone from there….explaining what he had meant instead of telling me i interpreted (to me perceived, FELT) it the wrong way. Tell my why ….

    Men know women are in a vulnerable position on line dating. Mr. Too Much Sex Talk Man told me he realized how i felt. He said he has daughters. He told me I was *doing it the right way*, being cautious. i felt warm toward him for expressing that. safer too.

    i already felt defensive with this new one bc
    1. he had already not given me twenty four hours to answer him before he wrote a second email.
    2. i felt directed and pushed bc even before 24 hours was up he also said if i wasn’t interested a simple “No Thanks” would suffice. I felt geez,.. will you give me a minute or something……
    so i felt even more defnesive than i *already* do.

    when i did email him and he responded back he also said, in spite of us matching on all but one point he just didn’t know if a date would work out between us.
    and said “Good luck in your search”.

    I wrote back and said.
    I agree, xxxxxxxxx.
    And good luck in your search too.

    NOW I think I did misinterpret him… maybe…. possibly …probably… and again back to maybe not.
    Im’ thinking maybe he just has a very abrupt, direct way of speaking …MANSPEAK………. I’m not used to it.
    but so what if i did? explain it to me again in another way. I was giving it a second chance when i told him how i felt. He chose not to go with it .
    i dont want to mess with a man who doesn’t have time to let me be a woman.
    i don’t want people who push and email again before you have a chance to answer them.
    I don’t want people telling me i have to write back and say no thanks. …I will…. Quit directin.g

  229.  #229janjune on October 21, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    it seems like there are some sites just FOR people who are looking for marriage– or at least a portion of the site– so you don’t have to SAY it. eharmony? there’s another one too….
    i think marriage would be fun again with Rori’s Tools.

  230.  #230Tina on October 21, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Your GODDESS horse. You felt intuitively that this guy “marriage proposal guy” is just not the guy your going to marry. Rori talks about your GODDESS horse and riding over your bridge, not his. I’m kinda curious about the “father figure” he comes to inspect the marriage proposal guy and gives the green light to marry him?

    He “marriage proposal guy” didnt ask you to marry the way you expect your “dream man” to step up. Shot gun wedding comes to mind but yeah. Your basically not FEELING you are in control of this situation. The key is how you are FEELING in your dream, thats just my interpretation of your dream.

  231.  #231Tina on October 21, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Nikita, your purse represents to me a place where you hold all your “valuables” this could be feelings. This is fun lol. FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!

  232.  #232Mercedes on October 21, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Cassandra: I think the list is a good idea. Not to “remind you of how mean he is” but to show you (sort of “in your face” I guess) what you were putting up with. When I’ve done counseling, we used those lists to bring the matter to heart…to face reality if you will…and it so much of the time will allow a woman to really see a situation for what it is. I hope it helps you to begin to heal.

    Thanks everyone for the reads and comments re my internet dating post. Shannon, you were a huge help there…lots of experience by the time I wrote that. Online dating is such a good thing…but I’m also glad it is over for me. Technology today will allow us to meet people we probably never would have…and it certainly has its good points.

    Much Love,

  233.  #233Linda on October 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Yep eharmony … it sucks LOL.. been there tried that. I say I am looking for long term in category only on POF. You know when I started on POF… I was on match and eharmony, why pay for what is free. The same men were on match that were on POF and I got/get so many emails from POF and some were men that did not respond to me on match. It was weird.

    I am finding that men are just not that serious out there. Just dabbling. I started like that, just to circular date. I still have that motivation. but under it all is a desire to target Mr Right…. Mr Scrutiny is the one who turned my head… asked me to be his girlfriend, told me I was a perfect fit, that he loved me and should have already married me…and then would pull away and say he has to get his life together yada yada yada.

    Sometimes I want to drive to his work… (totally masculine energy)… claim and drag him off into my cave. LOL I have not met another man that has affected me like that. It has been my history that I get what I want even if it is a specific person or thing. I am not a quitter and tenatious. What posseses a man to snag you toy with you….and dance around claiming you and then leave. “Fear?, insecurity, depression, baggage, what?… he leaves…. but then still lingers. It is like he likes the chase but when I have agreed and lined up with him then he doesnt want me. THen … I am back online and he does it again, only mildly… At times I find it comical others maddening and angering. I just know I dont like it and it all feels bad….


    I feel wacked out , like I want to punch something. I want. I put in my profile… A sensual, caring, gentleman, who is spiritually minded, with an open heart, is playful and has just a bit of naughty thrown in would be such a delight!…. yum…. that might be setting the standard high but that is what I want. Mr Scruitny was just like that.. only his heart was closed.

    I had an email from a man that said’ if we are going to chat any further, I challange you to blah blah blah…. WHAT? !!! Challange me to hold your interest and attention… I wrote back and said.. I am not up for that, good luck with your search. Boy did that hit me wrong. Triggered me in the gut…. you know… You give and give and give and it is still not good enough and you get rejected in the end. I had some steam coming from my ears on that one.

    On line dating… it has its place and purpose. I think people treat you differently than if they met you in a real life situation. Maybe if I was a gorgeous blond with a barbie figure etc etc I would get the man of my dreams, but… then again I think not. See…. I a wacked out tonite. Venting. yuck I am stuck.


  234.  #234nikita on October 21, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Tina 🙂

    thx for following up….i feel heard!

    um….the dream was way before he proposed….i had the dream after the first time i slept with him (maybe two days later?)

    And actually as far as his proposal was concerned it was actually exactly the way i would want it delivered IF we had been “a couple”….He tried to get me….but i kept dodging him and saying that there was no relationship…..i’m so silly sometimes….my dad was totally cool and nonchalant about it….as if they had met before…the atmosphere was casual but in the dream there was no mention of marriage or a feeling that my dad was inspecting him….my parents had their own plans that night….everyone was waiting for me..as i got “held up” in the sketchy neighborhood exploring…..and was behing schedule so to speak….yet on time? also i’ve had a lot of driving dreams lately but i’ve also just started driving regularly for the first time in my life! which i feel very excited about 🙂

  235.  #235nikita on October 21, 2009 at 3:05 pm


    Btw-i grew up with guns….meaning….my uncles hunt…and everyone in the family feels like a girl/woman should know how to properly use one in a confident manner….so lots of trips to the shooting rande and deer meat in the freezer…..so my dad was proud his little girl can navigate her way around a weapon..

  236.  #236nikita on October 21, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    ugh….i mean shooting range…

  237.  #237nikita on October 21, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    i felt very confident in the dream…as i was holding on to my purse…i was thinking…uh-uh…my phone is in there and i’m going to need that for what i’m doing later tonight….i do not have time to let some punk take my beloved phone and my communication device…i have a date and he’s expecting me! not to mention my dad will be worried if he calls and i don’t pick up…..i think my money was in my pocket…

  238.  #238Tina on October 21, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    My dream interpretation careeer was short lived but fun lol. Thank you Nikita. It reminds me of witchy poo stuff, like reading cards and things and being so close to halloween. I heard a noise outside, I feel if it wasnt so close I wouldnt have been spooked! 🙂

  239.  #239Jennifer F on October 21, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I had to laugh… I have just recently began to open myself up to the reality of Cingular Dating. I did the whole, if I date I will feel guilty, if I date and the guy I am “interested” finds out, he’ll start dating openily around me (which would tear me apart), that if I am not available when he calls, he might not call again… all the good excuses that Rori has talked about.
    So, I decided to have a change of heart, open my heart, and smile alot, bring back my flirty self, (Because I had shut that all down… without him asking me to, because I thought he would feel safe and secure.. what a mistake!)
    Anyway… so I am at work, and a very very young man can into my office, and I kinda of have my 1000 watt smile on auto pilot, so I smiled at him. He smiled back, introduced himself, and then left my office since I did not have what he needed. Well, he happened to be a new employee at our work, and was friends with the young lady that was sitting in my office at the time, and she got a text message asking who the “hot chick” was in the black shirt. (That being me) Needless to say, he went on asking if I was single and if he could have my number (very high schoolish… which wasn’t surprising because the young man is JUST 19). I just could not bring myself (a woman of 36) to cingular date a young man of 19 (though he is totally legal. ha ha)… but it did give me hope that someone else out there might ask, and even though I may not still feel it for who ever asks.. I will go out anyway!

  240.  #240Daria on October 21, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Linda… from what I understand from Rori’s stuff, in order to attract the right man for us, we Circular Date with the goal of working on ourselves, and practicing tools…

    then when We are in a good feeling place about us, the man will magically appear…

    Dating looking for Mr. Right will actually take us farther from him

    Targeting Mr. Right is a play on the concept…

    the program actually SWITCHES the concept in that WE ARE THE TARGET… and the men are circling around us like around a target, shooting their arrows of energy toward us… and we are open and practice receiving their energy

  241.  #241gina on October 21, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks AG and Nikita.
    about the guy who threw the dirty sushi rags in my face to flirt. what is an empowered and honest way to communicate? I believe that judgment is a way of protecting myself. Like it would be perfectly fine for me to judge him as unsuitable for a relationship based on his abusive tendencies. But in terms of practicing a feminine way to establish boundaries, what would you sirens say?

  242.  #242Daria on October 21, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    I would say!



    later if he convos

    I’m still feeling really mad about the rags. that felt gross and i felt bad and I really don’t like feeling htat way… I don’t really feel comfortable getting close to you right now

  243.  #243alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    gina – how did you FEEL having an ex lover / also a boss throw SUSHI RAGS in Your Face? what do you want? what don’t you want?

    i would riff on that.

    and then for me i’d wait til i came out the good end of that riff and then deliver a professional message establishing boundaries or feelings.

  244.  #244No Bliss on October 21, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Wow, how do you lovely ladies keep up with all the posts. Its mind blowing. I am so dizzy some days. It seems that i will never end and be normal, or what one perceives and normal. Between man issues raising kids and now job issues, its getting way toooo much..

    How do you all get up in the mornings and keep going.

  245.  #245alias girl on October 21, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Tonight’s entertainment will be Alias Girl the stupendous magician pulling something out of her hat!

    stay tuned…

  246.  #246gina on October 21, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    I feel rage. I feel exhausted. I feel sad. I feel blah. I wish there was a tool to literally cut out the mechanism in my brain that wants to “figure” out the situation with Johnny. I feel SO RESISTANT to accepting his lack of interest. I feel like a failure. I feel bad. Yes, I feel like a failure. That sucks. Did I fail? hmmm. well, I did get weird a couple of times. and the dynamic with him totally sucks. I guess if I do nothing, then I can’t fail. Okay, fine, I’ll just do nothing. I will do nothing.
    With the sushi rags guy, he isn’t a former lover – he’s not my boss at the comedy club who I got involved with. he works at the sushi bar I work at, and I don’t even care about his stupid rags because I never judged him as “mr.possiblyperfect.” In fact I judge him as mr.noway. It’s actually comforting that he’s done things like throw dirty rags in my face, cause now I KNOW for sure that I don’t want him. With johnny, I always felt scared that maybe I did want him, so I felt myself wanting to “test him” – to see what would make him go away. And then he did go away, and I was like “wait!! that was just a test! don’t go!!!” and I wonder if he failed a legitimate test, or if it was bogus. But I guess rori’s advice to RECEIVE is a way to avoid the messiness of dishing out crap just to see if he will take it, and then having to dish out vanilla pudding to prove that I’m not so bad after all, and then wonder whether he’s rejecting my crap or the vanilla pudding. I feel overwhelmed about circular dating because each new guy represents a whole universe of his own, and it feels so weird to be colliding universes with all kinds of men. But it also feels good – it takes the pressure off of old stuff hangin around. Circular dating could also remove the need for “testing” men. I wonder what the deal is with this “testing.”

  247.  #247gina on October 21, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Thanks for the suggestions Daria and AG. I just stood there shocked with my jaw dropped open. his friend who always plays matchmaker walked by, and I told him about the rags. He said “He’s FLIRTING!! I told you, that’s how he flirts.” I just stood there and shook my head. He said “are you mad?” I sorta shrugged my shoulders like “well, I’m not glad!” Then the guy turned red and acted sheepish until later when he saw me and said “wow, you’re doing a really great job tonight gina.” and I said “I think your idea of flirting is my idea of abuse.” and he said “wow, “abuse My mom thinks that I made a mistake by “lecturing him” – she thinks that now he’s going to hate me, when i could have spared him the lecture, kept his affection, and just made a private decision to stay away. I didn’t like it. I felt my inner man/child wanting to hide behind something with a cup of boiling hot water and throw it at him when he wasn’t looking. That isn’t my most feminine lovely side. That is the side that wants to destroy a person for messing with me. I actually feel that defensiveness with Johnny, too. I was going to say that I don’t consider myself competitive cause I don’t usually engage in competition, but then i realized that the reason is that when i do compete, I feel life or death about it – I really HATE to lose. Maybe that’s why I have been avoiding Success and Relationships. Okay, so even though i have an intense fear of failure, i love and accept myself completely.

  248.  #248Tracy on October 21, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    I resonate with how it feels to be frustrated about not getting what you want…….
    For me i am beginning to see that the reason behind this is my own belief that i cannot get what i want….its feels like what i desire is too much to ask,and i lately i have been trying to analyze how i think and reason through stuff and it all links up….I have been reasoning from the point of view of not getting…
    I am now changing that and instead believing that i can get what i want exactly as i desire it to be…Baby steps but i feel more in control of my life…..
    I feel that this explains a lot about circular dating and being in touch with my feelings…The more i can truly desire and want that which makes me happy and be happy and feel as though i already have it…the more i attract that which i want…
    I feel challenged about changing my beliefs that i have held this far…limiting beliefs….its almost feels natural for me to think of not having something as opposed to having it….I feel admiration for women who have reached a place where they know and feel confident about creating the kind of relationship that feels good for them..I feel inspired by their stories and i choose to believe the same will be for me…

  249.  #249gina on October 21, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Thanks for the suggestions Daria and AG. I just stood there shocked with my jaw dropped open. his friend who always plays matchmaker walked by, and I told him about the rags. He said “He’s FLIRTING!! I told you, that’s how he flirts.” I just stood there and shook my head. He said “are you mad?” I sorta shrugged my shoulders like “well, I’m not glad!” Then the rags guy turned red and acted sheepish until later when he saw me and sarcastically said “wow, you’re doing a really great job tonight gina.” and I said “I think your idea of flirting is my idea of abuse.” and he said “wow, “abuse?” My mom thinks that I made a mistake by “lecturing him” – she thinks that now he’s going to hate me, when i could have spared him the lecture, kept his affection, and just made a private decision to stay away.

    How did I feel? I didn’t like it. I felt my inner man/child wanting to hide behind something with a cup of boiling hot water and throw it at him when he least expected it. That isn’t my most feminine lovely side. That is the side that wants to destroy a person for messing with me. I actually feel that defensiveness with Johnny, too. I was going to say that I don’t consider myself competitive cause I don’t usually engage in competition, but then i realized that the reason is that when i do compete, I feel life or death about it – I really HATE to lose. Maybe that’s why I have been avoiding Success and Relationships. Okay, so even though i have an intense fear of failure, i love and accept myself completely.

  250.  #250Daria on October 22, 2009 at 12:14 am

    Gina – a big thing for me doing Rori’s stuff was that I accepted that feeling like destroying someone for messing with me as Feminine! Like kali the destroyer Goddess.

    Doesn’t mean i have to do it, but rage is feminine too…

    that helped me a lot, not saying u have to look at it that way

  251.  #251Flipper on October 22, 2009 at 2:39 am

    Yesssss ! my Kali/(real name) Destroyer Goddess, full of rage and desire for vengeance and smashing to smithereens, stomping out the last drop of blood and watching people take it away on the soles of their shoes! I always draw her as a beautiful femme fatale, eyes wide open but slanty and zeroing in on their kill, a sensuous wry smile on her lips, enticing cleavage, long dark hair (I am blond) flowing snakily all around, one hand up in STOP! another with a weapon held high ready to strike, plus many other arms that ‘do’ FOR ME, including holding and caressing me.

  252.  #252Tracy on October 22, 2009 at 3:12 am

    I am learning to accept and embrace my anger….sometimes i feel embarrassed about it sometimes i want to stuff it down so that no one see it…sometimes i feel guilty for being angry….I am learning to accept my anger and channel it to something much more beautiful…
    I love the idea of thinking of myself as a Destroyer Goddess…it feels empowering…I love me and my anger and everything that i stand for…that feels accepting..i feel acceptance for myself and my anger and i feel more safe..i feel more assured with who i am….I feel much better…

  253.  #253Tracy on October 22, 2009 at 3:41 am

    i FEEL SO MUCH BETTER,,,,i feel release of my anger i feel i can take in whatever comes i way..i feel love and compassion for my anger…i know that my anger wants to protect me….i know that my anger is sending a message to me….i am listening to the message…i choose to feel love for myself and everything i feel angry about….i feel more relaxed i feel more at ease…i love me..

  254.  #254Bethany on October 22, 2009 at 6:28 am

    Jennifer F–good story! It made me smile.

    Gina–I agree with Daria about the rage thing…it’s feminine, so good for you for feeling so pissed off.

    Can I ask a question–has anyone here ever gotten a job in another city before they moved there? I’m feeling like I’m walking around in circles trying to get something in Minneapolis before I leave the tiny town I’m in. The class I’m teaching ends in mid December so I would love to go before or after New Year’s and that feels like a short amount of time….

    Is Internet/cold calling the best way? Somebody have ideas? Thanks!!!

  255.  #255tinque on October 22, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Bethany – The two times I’ve moved far away, I just went and found work once there.
    I moved cross country (west to east) this past August and quickly gave up the idea of finding a job, but I’ve had my own business for a long time, so I’m looking to do that again. Not easy ever. Certainly not in this economy. I’m also lousy at selling myself, so I give away freebie treatments to anyone I meet who I know has a big mouth in a good way so they can be my spokesperson. I’ve also been taking this time to finish my book and focus much more on my coaching and blogging.
    The first time I moved cross country (east to west) I was young and didn’t know any better. I found work quickly, but I was not fussy about the work such as it is when young.
    If you have the means, my suggestion would be to go, get a good feel for the area and look from there.

  256.  #256urban_butterfly on October 22, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Hi Rori,
    I receive your emails, and they’ve been of great help.
    I had a brief friendship with a man, and when I asked him if we could just change it into a relationship, this was his response: “It would feel contrived.” Ouch ouch ouch, especially since we were in bed at the time… I wondered: then what am I doing here? I felt so humiliated.
    I got over him slowly as the months passed. I wanted to cut off links completely, but he wouldn’t hear of it. So I just respond to his emails politely when he writes. Now I am sooooo over him.
    The thing is – I am attracted to his bro… while my ‘ex’ was extremely intelligent and I am irresistibly drawn to intelligent men, his brother is smart and funny. My ‘ex’ was single and quite mean-spirited; his bro is separated, and open and generous. I am very very attracted to him. I am also separated, but my divorce is almost final.
    I asked him out for coffee because there was a book he had volunteered to lend me, but he kept putting it off. So I asked him to just give the book to someone to pass on to me, but he said he might want to talk to me… is this an indication of interest? Just wondering.
    We aren’t really friends – we are strangers – I just used to bump into him from time to time when I was going to visit my ‘ex’. My ‘ex’ stayed with him for a while.
    My question is – how should i proceed? Should I just wait until he is ready to see me?

  257.  #257TW on October 22, 2009 at 8:56 am

    Rori and ladies-

    I know you all have been following my story but my LI and I are no longer. I have had enough of the drama and the neglect and the rumors about other women so I have decided to move on. Anyway, I have had this friend for years that I had not physically met until recently. We talked on the phone only for like 2 years. Anyway, when we met he is very attractive and is attracted to me. We went out that weekend but nothing happened. Well I was in his town a few weeks later and the vibe was so perfect that we just had the best day and hung out for two days. Well sex happened and it was great and I have no regrets because it was a long time coming. Anyway, we made plans to go out of town and stuff in a few weeks but he is having issues with his ex girlfriend and he has not called in about a week but he text me Saturday and told me that he wanted to go out of town with me that weekend and then the other day he text me again to tell me that he was going through something and that he needed a few days and to not be upset with him. I do not want him to go back to his ex because for the while that I have known him he has never really had anything good to say about their relationship. He treats me like a princess when I am with him and I am somewhat smitten although not ready for a relationship and neither is he so he says. Our vibe is just so perfect but I want to give him his space to make his own decision you know. What do I do? I have liked him for a long time and now that my dead beat LI is out of the way I can focus on my happiness.

  258.  #258nikita on October 22, 2009 at 10:04 am


    I really like that 2year guy communicates what is going on with him…..the stuff with his ex doesn’t feel good to me but the open text feels really good…..I’d enjoy him for what it is….and let go of the outcome…….I really love that he just came out with it……maybe they will reconcile….maybe he’s trying to get out of her clutches….but either way I feel a lot of respect from him….that feels good….

  259.  #259TW on October 22, 2009 at 10:22 am


    I am hoping that they do not reconcile but I think he would have told me when he text me the other day if that were so but then again you never know. He also made plans with me so that seemed a little odd. I asked him to attend an event with me because I had an extra ticket and he said that he was available and left it at that and it is two weeks from now and then he said give him a minute to get back to normal. He confuses me sometimes but they broke up like 2 or 3 months ago but you always have drama with a person. I still have drama with my LI and we broke up too… I get what you are saying though.

  260.  #260Jennifer F on October 22, 2009 at 10:58 am


    I completely understand your comment “It is like he likes the chase but when I have agreed and lined up with him then he doesnt want me.” That statement spoke to my heart. That is what I feel like I am dealing with.
    I found it so interesting, sitting with L last night watching Nip/Tuck, and if anyone follows the show, the main character (Christian) is getting a divorce from a woman he married (Liz) that is basically his best friend, not extremely attractive (in other wards.. not your barbie nightmare), has been there for him through everything (Work, Taking care of his kid and even cancer).. but there is another woman (Kimber), an ex who is the barbie nightmare and she completely has no self esteem when it comes to this man.. but she looks the part of what a hot doctor should have. Anyway, the main charcter has the chance to be with the hot blonde barbie nightmare, but rejects her.. knowing that she will ALWAYS be up for “it”. But the other lady, who he still desires to have in his life and keep a friendship with, has “leaned back” and told him she is no longer mad at him, but cannot be his friend either.

    Inside I was bursting, because not only did it mirror L and I, but it was also Rori’s teaching on TV! The charcter was leaning back, and telling him she would no longer be in this imaginary realtionship and that she could not be his friend anymore. And what happened in real life?
    L sits up and says… “Oh… she’s smart, he is gonna want her more now.. because now he has something to chase.” L then began to talk about the thrill of the chase, which he has told me that with us, part of the issue is there is no chase for him. He knows that I will always be there for him, that he can trust me, that he can come over and I will welcome him with open arms. He even started talking about his best friend, and how his friend loves his wife but she always makes him feel inadequate, and that he loves chasing her. I then expressed that seemed weird, wouldn’t he rather be with a woman who cherishes him, who he can feel authentic with, who can trust to love him especially since they are married with kids, why would you want to chase your wife?.. and he said, if there is no chase, then there is no interest.

    And see, L was chasing me there for a little while, after I gave him the “I can’t be your friend speech”, and he pursued me heavily, so much that it was a night and day difference, and as soon as I started letting him come around… boom, the chase was over. I don’t know if I want to continually try to make him chase me… it is tiring. And not very rewarding if when he finally catches me, he releases me back into the wild. Tags me and then sets me free.
    So, Linda I know how you feel, and it does feel lousy. But choosing yourself… never does. Congrats!

  261.  #261nikita on October 22, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Jennifer F,

    are you circular dating? I was with a chaser and as I kept my options open….made other plans had dates…refused to wait….he chased my time slots…..i’m available this day-and he would snatch it up and clear his schedule…
    It didn’t feel good to me but I loved his masculinity and that he didn’t let other men intimidate him…..chasing could be you never initiating sex, not calling as often and booking whatever day he is used to seeing you….break his pattern to create uncertainty and inspire him to work for it…..I used to watch the dog whisperer on national geographic channel…..it taught me A LOT about how to handle my “conquerer guy” ……
    I learned that my love style is different so I prefer a man who will only chase so much but wants commitment….I mean WTF; am I supposed to be prey?


    xx nikita

  262.  #262alias girl on October 22, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    i feel similar to nikita. a certain amount of “chase” is good and fun (for me) for keeping the dynamic alive and fun. but i do not want to purposefully go out of my way to be a carrot on a stick.

    the movie The Other Bolyen Girl shows disastrous results with that sort of manipulation.

    i feel solidly sure that me being a lovely goddess with a lovely goddess life and following my feelings and having boundaries and circular dating is healthy enough amount of “chase”. anything more and i feel inauthentic.

    and the most amazing feeling for me is being authentic and magnetizing people who love me and are drawn to me for my authenticity.

    the “false chase” feels somewhat toxic based on fear of intimacy and substituting intensity and manipulation instead.

    but i wouldn’t want a man who just lies down for me either. so i imagine few men would want a woman to just fully 100% succomb 100% of the time when he is barely even working for it. chase is part of the fun (for me) as long as it is authentic. people being authentic delivers a good amount of chace. in my experience.

    the frightfest guy just called me for the first time. (no texting!! yae!) and i didn’t FEEL like answering right then because i am in the middle of something. this is not a game. this is how i FEEL. if i had felt good to pick it up, i would have. which i feel is part of the fun about me. Even i can not really predict what i will do.

    fun. i feel fun. i feel very happy to be on my horse, with my happy ever after. yum. i feel smiley.

  263.  #263Bethany on October 22, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    AG: “i feel solidly sure that me being a lovely goddess with a lovely goddess life and following my feelings and having boundaries and circular dating is healthy enough amount of “chase”. anything more and i feel inauthentic.”

    I like this.

  264.  #264Jennifer F on October 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm


    I am trying to cingular date, but the only man that has asked me out was a 19 year old kid..flatterying… but that is about it. I am finally open to start. I am excited because this weekend I am meeting up with some old friends, and do not plan on including him on my weekend at all. I struggle with missing him a lot, because we have not been hanging out so much… not as much as we did… we use to be 24/7, but since I started leaning back, that has slowed down a lot.
    I think if I had more of a social life (i.e. a social life without him) things might look more hopeful, and it would be authentic with me being busy. We also work together, so there is also seeing each other 8 hours of the day, plus spending time together at night. We are obviously more “our selves” behind closed doors and away from work. It’s funny… when I go out of town with my friends (which sadly is not that often) or out of town on business he is blowing up my cell, texting and calling me late at night. I don’t think he likes not knowing what I am doing. Maybe, just making myself busy with my friends (not necessarily a man, but if one came along that wouldn’t be so bad) having a life “outside” of him might feel like chasing me… I don’t know.
    I liked it when he was chasing me… it made me feel desired, wanted, and needed. I think if I was going to try the “I can’t be your friend speech again”, it would not work because I gave in so easily the first time, he would not take me seriously… so Cingular dating is the only way to get his attention. So… bring the dates on! ha ha

  265.  #265Cassandra on October 22, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    I feel soooooooo far behind! I feel frustrated and overwhelmed at trying to catch up. I have started to respond to the earlier posts but have not gotten very far. I feel bad that I am so far behind and haven’t been able to respond to more posts.

    Nikita…..WOW! A marriage proposal! I feel excited for you and triggered at the same time in that he asks you to marry him and then POOF! he disappears. I get that he very well may have been playfully ‘testing the waters’ but to ME that felt like he was playing with your head and that feels AWFUL with a capital AWFUL to me! I feel protective of you and angry if that IS what he was doing. I am sooo NOT saying that he would not really want to marry you so I hope I was clear on that. I have found in my own personal experience that SO MANY men come on beyond strong in the beginning and then disappear because THEY were not ready to have what it is that they say that they wanted to begin with and once it presents itself in real adult life….they freak. Sorry if that is my masculine energy taking over….that is just my own experience. Not only that but I feel defensive that he simply asked with no “I love you Nikita and want to spend the rest of my life with you”. You deserve the whole beautiful romantic event…not just a plain unemotional….”will you marry me?” It felt to me too that he was playing with your emotions and I felt triggered by that and the fact that there was no ring?? hmmmmmm…I still feel defensive.

    AG…I feel happy about your wonderful date with that gentleman that made you feel great and taken care of! That feels wonderful to read and know that you had such a wonderful experience…except for the kissing part. That would feel icky to me too. I don’t want to kiss someone that I don’t feel emotionally intimate with…kissing to me is as intimate at times as actually making love…not all the time but for me it is that way sometimes I can understand how you felt about that. EWWWW! I also really liked what you wrote about feeling messages. I am really trying to work on using them as much as I can and that feels good! See! HA! A feeling message. I could totally feel what Rori was saying in her eletter the other day about being your man’s poem. It feels challenging for me in finding more emotions so I liked that post alot.

    Tracy…I feel congruent to your journey with Circular Dating. This past summer I don’t know if you Sirens remember that I did try to do some C.D-ing but my focus still felt ‘off’. For me it became more about them and not about ME. I feel intrigued by trying it again but I also feel afraid of it and I REALLY feel that right now I have nothing to offer any man. Period. I don’t want to give any man anything of mine right now…not even my time. I feel protective of anything ME….of my time of my energy of …even my feelings and I don’t want to share them with any man right now at all. I feel angry and closed off. Ok…well I guess I did find some feeling messages there didn’t I?! YAY for me!

    Most Thursdays I go to get my dinner at this little sleazy looking hole in the wall with awesome food and this evening was no different. I am usually there most Thursdays. I went there today after a meeting that I had for my business and so I was all-dolled up and feeling good. I was sitting in the owner’s ‘spot’ and we were laughing and joking around when 2 rough looking yet super hot men came in. The owner’s ‘spot’ is kind of near the door so we saw them come in and it felt obvious that both of them noticed me. That did feel kind of nice. The owner and I continued talking and I could feel both of those men watching her and I but it felt as though they were mostly watching me. Usually it is the same crowd in there but I have never seen either one of them. IN any case….the cook came out and was joking around with us and they sort of joined in on our conversation. As I get my dinner to go….finished talking with the owner and the cook and those 2 men and a few others that had joined in…I paid for my dinner, get my things together and got up to leave. As I was walking toward the door BOTH of them said something like ‘You’re leaving? So soon?’ I cant remember what I jokingly said to them but I proceeded to leave as I turned around to waive goodbye to the owner and cook. As I was walking to my SUV someone tapped me on the shoulder and when I turned around it was the younger looking man of the two that had walked in. I felt shocked and speechless. He had all but run from the door to catch up with me. He said something like ‘Is there a chance that I could get your number?” I felt so nervous that I didn’t know what to say! I know that I kind of smiled and I know that I told him that I felt flattered but no….he could not have my number. He then asked me again and said that he would really love to talk sometime. I did feel flattered and it did make me feel good but I also felt uncomfortable in that I don’t know him and have never seen him before so I didn’t give him my number. He actually watched me get into my SUV and drive off. I feel shocked my that whole encounter but it did make me feel good and I know that he went back in there and asked both the owner and the cook about me because the cook called me from the kitchen phone to tell me that. She was like ‘Cass! What did you say to that poor man?! He is now sulking in the corner!” Of course she was kidding but it did make me feel good. I needed that today. I still feel afraid of circular dating though because I don’t want to give any man anything of mine…not even my time right now. Will time help that Sirens?

    I am going to continue to try to get caught up with all of the posts!

    Sending love and hugs to all…xoxoxo

  266.  #266TW on October 22, 2009 at 4:56 pm


    I have missed you.. When you get to my post you are going to be so proud of me…. I left my LI and met someone new but he just recently left a relationship as well but he is really nice. I do not know if there will be anything between me and this new guy but anyway.. When you read my earlier post you will understand.

  267.  #267Cassandra on October 22, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Daria….I have missed you and I really loved what you wrote about circular dating is meant to make the woman happy. Wow. That felt like hitting a bulls eye in darts for me. It felt clear and concise. Thank you. I also felt empathy when I read about you missing that feeling that you had with man with a baby. I feel that same thing with the ‘good Charles’ I miss THAT feeling but NOT the feeling with the ‘mean Charles’. I feel understanding and supportive and sad because I know that feeling too and I too miss it.

    Flipper…I have missed you too! I felt a connection with what you said about the feeling addicted thing. I feel that way right now even though my head knows C is soooo not good for me and as Mercedes pointed out….he has been mean mean mean to me yet I still focus on the good stuff.

    Tracy…..’I have fought with this kind of feeling with my past relationships but for me i misinterpreted what it meant….I thought i was doing it wrong and to get to the right feeling and make him feel the way he had before…or the way i wanted to feel i had to do something….I kept feeling that i needed to do something yet i froze most of the times and whatever i tried to do made me feel worse….’ I can so relate to this too! I learned the other night in a class that I am in that in both my relationship with Charles and the one previous to that…I did not stand up for ME. I let both of them…controlling and manipulative…..row the boat but in the wrong way. They were not rowing to give to me or care for me or please me in order for me to give back to them..they were rowing to control me and have everything their way and I had no say…or so I thought. It was ME who did not say anything about the fact that their way/s were not working for ME and hurt me. I feel the same that you do in that I feel thankful for growth and understanding and working to change my old-broken delapitated patterns that do not serve me well.

    Angeline…..I feel excited about the wonderful things that are ahead for you and I feel supportive!

    Debbie….I felt sad reading your post and knowing that you are being neglected. I have gone thru that for over a year too and it hurts and I feel sad that you are going thru that. If he felt that your leaning back was being a jerk then perhaps HE is the one that is unable to step up for you? sorry if that is masculine energy there but it was just a thought. I do feel excited though that if you stay here and learn Rori’s tools and practice them you can feel better and change your situation and feel hope again. I send you a huge hug!

  268.  #268Nikita on October 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm


    you are so sweet thank you…..about the ring; at dinner he asked what ring I wanted, he always wanted the woman to pick her own ring(he loves shopping)….and the entire week we were together I kept teasing him about marriage….so he kept planning the honeymoon…we basically went through the entire blueprint…but I kept laughing at him and calling it a sham marriage….that we both just wanted to get dressed up and have a party:) but then he kept going and then I’d stop him and say we are not getting married….so just stop already..and he said c’mon, let’s just go with it…..where should we…..? So I said fine and we kept moving forward…..then on the last day he just said…..will you……?
    so basically I’m dating a man that is serious about marriage but I wasn’t in the mood….and he got a little frustrated that it wasn’t going anywhere…..I can be really difficult 🙂
    I think it slipped out and before he knew what he said…it was too late…I heard it.

    The truth is often said in jest 🙂

  269.  #269Daria on October 22, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Thanks Cassandra you are so sweet!

    Wow I felt turned on and jealous when I read about the rough looking yet super hot men looking at you!

    Sounds like the kind of men that are attractive to me and wow that one pusued you all the way to your car…

    I felt a little judgemental and envious.

    I would definitely have given him my number but i’m sure there will be next times for you to give out your number if you want!

    PS I’m only mentioning feeling jealous not to mean I don’t love you because I do but because I want to work on accepting that feeling!


  270.  #270Daria on October 22, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    wow me and Nikita both said Cassandra you are so sweet! hehe

  271.  #271Daria on October 22, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Nikita –

    personally I would not take it seriously. I would feel good knowing that he wants me and I would feel angry and NOT AT ALL secure with the marriage “talk”.

    A Real marriage proposal to me would feel SOLID. REAL. REALISTIC. And something I could feel comfortable saying yes to. For the rest of my life.

  272.  #272Nikita on October 22, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Jennifer F,

    OMG! You two feel like Siamese twins!!!
    24/7? Um yeah-that’s NO chase!

    I feel like spending 24hours a day with the same person is an affront to the human spirit.

    I feel my alone time is verrrrrry important. I feel like your bf is sending you a message…I feel like listening to his message. It feels reasonable under the circumstances….
    I would feel scared of becoming codependent….
    I feel happy that you had a date-no matter if he’s 19……


  273.  #273Nikita on October 22, 2009 at 6:49 pm


    I feel relieved he was not serious….I don’t want to say no and right now it would be no….but I love that he asked! It woke me up.
    It brought me in touch with a part of me I cut out of my soul…I appreciate his asking very much 🙂
    I feel much safer now.He forced me to face myself….I like that….if he was my bf and said he was kidding; I’d dump him.
    But since he’s been chasing me forever and I’ve gone AWOL on him so many times and refused to be exclusive-it’s ok, there’s also some death and grief stuff going on so I feel very forgiving

  274.  #274Daria on October 22, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Nikita –

    I totally realize you felt relieved. I feel glad that he gave you what you needed at this time GOT YOU IN TOUCH WITH A PART OF YOU THAT YOU CUT OUT OF YOUR SOUL!


  275.  #275Nikita on October 22, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I feel so FELT by you 🙂 thank you thank you.
    I feel marvelous . . . I also feel my ex could not give me the life I want through a marriage to him….so proposal guy took the wool off my eyes….or lifted the veil….
    Incredible….he’s worth his weight in gold for that……

  276.  #276Rori Raye on October 22, 2009 at 10:27 pm

    Urban Butterfly, Welcome and I’d hand this question to Erika if she was here…she is THE expert on dating so many men at the same time that some are brothers, cousins, friends…you name it…she makes it work! (Okay, maybe I overstated it, Erika…but you really are just masterful at this…). To answer your question – if he’s interested, he knows where you are, and he’ll call you and pursue you. He isn’t sure. The worst thing you can do is give this man even another thought. Just forget about him. No matter what happens, that’s the best policy here. He’s not in front of you…therefore he doesn’t exist. Love, Rori

  277.  #277Daria on October 22, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Urban Butterfly I love that name

  278.  #278alias girl on October 22, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    “He’s not in front of you…therefore he doesn’t exist.”

    i feel amused and powerful with this statement. thank you rori.

    “He’s not in front of you…therefore he doesn’t exist.”

    it’s like my ex was in front of me on sunday and he existed. no he is not in front of me, so he doesn’t.

    ah, well not entirely true for me because i felt very excited when i put my sweater on and it smelled like him. and my mind keeps revisiting our sweet kisses.

    HOWEVER. he is not in front of me right now and i am on my horse and in my happy ever after so. trot trot trot i go. dating and being a magician and goddess and all.

    i have decided not to make decisions and to let things just unfold. i feel in agreement at this point about having sex with just one man at a time. maybe i will change my mind about that but that seems a better way to go if i am looking for my good good man/ life partner king.

    if i just wanted five boyfriends like i did before then maybe i would sleep with a couple of them. it is not a morality issue really. it just feels right to have sex with just one man at a time. and that would be the man at the top. and well, right now, my ex is the man at the top.

    HOWEVER. he is not in front of me right now so he doesn’t exist. 🙂 i don’t know why i find this statement amusing.

    urban butterfly. rori has a concept about “leaning back”.

  279.  #279alias girl on October 22, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    nikita i felt very priviledged and excited to hear your whole proposal story. thank you for sharing.

  280.  #280TW on October 23, 2009 at 5:25 am

    Alias girl…

    I have missed you so much my love. There has been so much that has happened over the past month or so. I broke everything off with my LI and now my heart is open to finding someone new. I went out with this guy that has been friends with me for like 3 years and things are off the wall with him so with that being said I am taking the situation one day at a time because he has suffered a break up as well like 2 months ago. The bad thing about this is I really like this guy.

  281.  #281Cassandra on October 23, 2009 at 5:44 am

    Bit by bit…I am getting caught up!

    Nikita….I loved what you shared with us about that date where you were not interested in the man but allowed yourself to go out and enjoy the evening and it turned out to be an amazingly wonderful evening. I feel inspired and hopeful.

    What is PUA? I feel silly not knowing what that is! LOL

    Debbie…I feel sad that you are going thru that kind of neglect. I have been there and it felt horrible and I felt so unwanted and undesirable. I sometimes feel that to be soft on the outside/ strong on the inside is hard for me as I wonder if I am coming across defensive. Rori’s Toxic Men program is helping me in leaps and bounds and I HIGHLY recommend it! It is helping me to NOT have that defensiveness in my heart at all so if it’s not there….it can’t come out!  I feel hopeful that your situation can totally be turned around that you CAN have what you want and feel great about YOU! I feel happy that you are here and I send you a hug!

    Linda…..’ It felt freeing to go out if I wanted to and not if I did not feel like it. Now, I need to be that way with someone I really wanna be with. Not for the purpose of toying or playing with their emotions but honoring what I want first.’ YAY!!! This felt so great to read and I feel excited for you! I can so relate to what you said too about wanting to be with someone that you have already met. Reading your post where you said these things….I felt strength coming from your post….a commitment to YOU and to YOUR happiness and that felt so inspiring and wonderful! I celebrate that!!

    AG….I felt good too reading about how you let the guy that texted you as the first contact go. That felt strong and ‘taking care of you’ and sticking to YOUR boundaries to me…..oh and it also felt ‘committed to what makes YOU happy! That feels wonderful to read too! YAY!

    JanJune…I too felt angry about what that man had said to you about expecting sex from women that he meets online. EWWW! That feels like an insult and just feels icky to me!

    Daria…I loved what you wrote to erase your number texter! AWESOME. I felt inspired by that. I personally HATE texting partly because messages can be so awfully misconstrued. From my own personal experience, I feel that a lot of men assume that you mean one thing when you didn’t mean that one thing at all…not even close and I don’t feel like having to explain what I meant all the time so I try to stay away from texting. I love how you cleared that up though and let him know that you would like it if he was able to come to you. YAY!

  282.  #282Cassandra on October 23, 2009 at 5:57 am

    TW…..I DO feel proud of you!! I feel so happy that you let him go and are moving on! I feel so excited that there are SO MANY awesome things on the horizon for you and gosh…..I just feel so happy for you TW. I know how hard that was to do because I know that you loved him so so much but I feel so happy that you are putting YOUR OWN desires and wants and needs ahead of his. YAYAY!!! I feel like celebrating this with you! If you were here we WOULD go out and celebrate!! You had mentioned that you come thru Atlanta sometimes? I not in ATL but only a few hours from there. We should totally go celebrate!! I feel inspired TW. Thank you. I love you girl and just want you to be so radiatingly happy that you glow! xoxoxo

  283.  #283TW on October 23, 2009 at 6:12 am


    I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel free. I met this other guy who has been a friend but he is in a weird place emotionally as well because he just broke up with his girlfriend but I have loads of fun with him. Some fun that I have not had in a long time.

  284.  #284Bethany on October 23, 2009 at 7:45 am

    tinque–Thanks for the suggestion! I feel excited that this teaching thing I have now is giving me the opportunity to sock some money away so I CAN pick myself up and go after Christmas…I got an apartment that’s month-to-month rent and it was FURNISHED when I got it so I basically just have to throw my stuff in my car and go . I would give 2 weeks notice to my job now, though. I would feel bad if I didn’t. But, thanks universe for hooking me up with the awesome living conditions I have now–totally works out in my favor.

    I also found a tech writing job that I’m going to apply for in Minneapolis, today…

    Nikita asked if Minneapolis is really cold, and yes, it gets that way when it’s not blazing hot and humid. But, I’m Scandinavian and Irish, so I don’t believe in bad weather, only bad clothing. I don’t know how you Californians/Southerners do it: I do love 75 and sunny but I need to see and feel the seasons change.

  285.  #285Bethany on October 23, 2009 at 7:53 am

    Cassandra: I LOVED your story about the two hot guys and the one asking for your number…you are on fire. I feel so excited for you.

    Shannon: I read some Jungian dream interpretation once that says you ARE every aspect of your dream in some way, and to go back and look at it as if you were every part and try to experience it from that perspective.

  286.  #286Tina on October 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    I have a question that has been really bothering me.

    1. My relationship ended with this guy after being edgy for the past 2 years. The guy Ive been with is well built, broad shouldered, good looking. We had our great moments too…….

    2. “I am forced to circular date” by my parents in order to get married ASAP.

    3. My mom wants me to marry someone from same community (Indian, same caste blah blah blah)

    4. So the choice definitely narrows down…..Girls from my community (Indian) tend to get married by 24 n im 28.

    5. The guys Ive met recently (Chosen by my parents through matrimonial sites, word of mouth) are no way closer to the person I always had dreams of or imagined to get married.

    6. However, some of them are very good by nature and Id know would lead to a happy marriage……

    7. Should I compromise on looks in order to be with a well natured person ?

    8. Is it impossible to find someone who’d have well built, good looks and a great guy?

    Especially when I have to marry someone according to my moms restrictions in which case the choice narrows down

    Note: I am “forcibly” circular dating, n its mostly fear based bcoz of the way my mom has been pressurizing me.

    She said stuff like……”Im not good enough”, “My horoscope is not good”, and that Im having “High expectations” so I need to accept anyone who comes along the way……..

    Please write to me Rori……


  287.  #287alias girl on October 23, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    tw, oooh i felt so loved by your affectionate greeting. thank you. i say CONGRATS!

    i do no subscribe to someone needing X amount of time to get over anything. unless that person needs that time. but i don’t believe it is an automatic, universal requirement. especially if the relationship had alread been dead for some time then the person has probably already moved in in their hearts.

    so personally i wouldn’t worry so much about his past or what he’s coming out of. unless he is making it an issue then i might sit up, take notice and LISTEN to what he is telling me.

    so yae. personally i would continue to circulate date so i don’t laser focus this man. plus maybe he’s not ‘my guy.’ maybe he is just part of my path.

    rori’s tools are meaningful to me. leaning back, and feeling feelings, and creating a life for ourself.

  288.  #288AshlieLynn on October 23, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Please help me! I feel awlful and dont know what to do.

    I have become very close with a guy named Mike. We became close I suppose in way because I never imagined “falling” for a guy like him. Just not my “type”. I have used all the tools with him and I do circular date and put the focus on me.

    It started out as a friendship (and still is friendship)because my ex was living with me when we were first starting to get to know each other about 10 mos ago. We talk several times a day and he iniates contact.

    I feel taken care of by him, respected and good about myself. This is a different situation for him as hes always been a player, Girls just fall over him and pursue him.. I am not that type of woman. I am more laid back. Maybe too laid back.

    I do let him know how much I care for him. Compliment him calling him handsome etc. BUT I have never told him my feelings were more than friendship.

    My intuition is that he has feelings for me as well.

    Today he told me he was seeing an old fling next week just for sex. I felt horrible. Because I want to be with him. I know he doesnt have deep feelings for her. He couldnt even remember her name when I asked about her a few monthes back..

    BUT I didnt use my feeling messages.

    My friend Ed yesterday was telling me guys can be clueless especially if they are like Mike who literally has women all over him..(its embarrassing..) Its just not my style to be so forthright. AND I dont want to put anyone on the spot.

    WE are both in a period of transition and loss so timing could be off for anything..

    I will continue to circular date.. ANY suggestions on what to say when and if he talks about girls..


    The ex moved out 2 months ago

  289.  #289TW on October 23, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Alias Girl-

    All he has said to me is that he is going through something and to give him a few days to get back to normal but he did not say what he was going through though so I can not be sure that it has something to do with her. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I really like him and I will wait for him to make contact. He made plans with me still so I guess that is a good sign and it is like 2 weeks away and he made thos plans with me on Saturday so I would hope that he is not going to break them but he has not mentioned anything to me about that. Tuesday is when he told me he was going though something so he has had time to break the date. It is so good to hear from you. I do not have any expectations of this situation just yet. Just riding it out.

  290.  #290alias girl on October 23, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    tw yes. i feel certain you are going to do what you are determined to do. if you ever want my experience or suggestions of what i might do, i would feel open to sharing. good luck. i feel excited about each goddess creating her own happy ever ever tailored just for her!!

  291.  #291hannah clarke on October 23, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Hi Rori

    please could you tell me more about toxic men

  292.  #292TW on October 23, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Alias girl-

    I like this guy but I am tryingto give him his space to deal. he asked me to give him a few days so I guess that is what I am going to do. I have so much to do this weekend anyway that I barely have time to talk to him which is a good thing so if he does not call then I am not bothered by it. I have some studying and stuff ot do so it will be okay. I would pursue something with him if the case arose and I am hoping I will get to see more of him. He is really cool and has a lot of the qualities that I want in a man. SEXY and we had awesome SEX…. Anyway, how have you been?

  293.  #293alias girl on October 23, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    tw i feel pretty great. i’m not sure if you read this blog or use any of rori’s tools but both have helped me so much. but i comment all the time so that is pretty much how i am doing in any given moment of any particular comment. overall pretty great though.

    i am feeling very empowered and lovely and excited about how things are unfolding in my life. and i feel really grateful for my new skills and tools. and i am attracting good situations and people. and i feel very excited about my expansion. i am taking it baby step by baby step but overall i feel yae!

  294.  #294TW on October 23, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Alias girl-

    I can tell you are working with the tools because I started posting about a year ago if you remember back that far and I post off and on but I remember how angry your were and confused and emotionally all over the place and now I see someone who has come into their own and knows what she wants and what she needs to do in order to get it. Iam proud of your progress and I too know more of what I want now that I have ended my relationship. I applaud you and respect you for finding your way…

    Love you girl

  295.  #295Kaitlyn on October 23, 2009 at 5:22 pm


    This is YOUR life. YOU need to be the one in charge. Your parents cannot dictate who you’ll be having sex with the rest of your life. YOU get to decide your type of guy, when you want to get married, and who you’ll marry. End of story. Your mother will eventually get over it. Your body and life is not her business arrangement.

  296.  #296Tina on October 23, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    Thanks Kaithlyn…….I feel heard this moment. I am actually going back to India (for good) for professional reasons.

    At this moment, I am petrified of whats coming up.

    But I so agree with what you said.

  297.  #297nikita on October 23, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    For Tina…..

    Some Kiss We Want

    There is some kiss we want with
    our whole lives, the touch of

    spirit on the body. Seawater
    begs the pearl to break its shell.

    And the lily, how passionately
    it needs some wild darling! At

    night, I open the window and ask
    the moon to come and press its

    face against mine. Breathe into
    me. Close the language- door and

    open the love window. The moon
    won’t use the door, only the window.

    From Soul of Rumi
    by Coleman Barks

  298.  #298alias girl on October 23, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    nikita, thank you for the rumi infusion. xoxo

    thank you tw.

    tina, for myself, in the end, my life is my life. if i live it for anybody else, i may not feel quite as fulfilled at the end than as if i lived it the way i wanted to. “mistakes” and all.

    at least they’d be My mistakes.

    you might be really happy with who your mom chooses for you. i know it has worked out happily for many others in a similar cultural situation.

    i feel supportive yet uncomfortable with suggesting anything other than learning to listen to one’s Feelings as rori teaches.

  299.  #299TW on October 23, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    Alias girl-

    You are welcome… I am glad that you have come into your own and truly understand what you are feeling and when you are feeling it… I admire that in you.

    Alias girl is right.. You have to do what is best for you in the end. If you feel comfortable living the rest of your life with someone your parents picked for you then so be it but if you don’t then you have to follow your heart. Love is such a beautiful thing to share with someone and why not share it with someone that you love and are excited about. Go with your gut is all that I can say. I love my mistakes… They make me a better me and when I make them I know that I made them not that someone made them for me. I hope that made sense to you.

  300.  #300Tina on October 24, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Thanks Tina, Thanks Alias girl. That feels comforting.
    I feel so much uncertainity in life. I am observing what I feel with everything that is going through.

    I observe how it feels with each passing day. I feel everything is painful, unpredictable, scary and fearful at the moment.


  301.  #301urban_butterfly on October 24, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Thanks, Rori! “He’s not in front of you, so he doesn’t exist”. Nice little tidbit to keep in mind…

    Well, he did surprise me with a text message a while ago, apologizing profusely for disappearing and saying thursday for sure we’d meet… then he didn’t call on thursday and i sent him a text message asking what happened… he called later that evening and we had a long, pleasant conversation… first, he apologized, saying his daughter had been very ill the previous night and had kept him up all night, so he was a little disoriented… then we just talked…
    I wish I wasn’t falling for him so fast… he is just sooo nice but still very masculine…
    Well, he promised to call next week, so I’ll just wait and see…

    Thank you Daria! for the compliment 🙂

    Thanks alias girl, I will try to ‘lean back’…

  302.  #302Nikita on October 24, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    AG, welcome

  303.  #303alias girl on October 24, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    urban butterfly- hmm well i feel confused. if a man says he is going to call and doesn’t. then if i call him instead —that is leaning forward. so i feel confused.

  304.  #304Cassandra on October 25, 2009 at 5:44 am

    Sirens….slowly but surely …..I am getting caught up! YAY!
    AG….I felt encouraged by what you shared with us about being a magician and pulling something out of your hat. That felt ‘happy’ to me and encouraging.  You had also stated….’so a man who texts as a first contact and then never does anything else is not a rowing man in my opinion.’ I am SO with you on this! I feel so frustrated by people who text, not eveen asking if you have unlimited texting! Grrrr! I would not be interested in someone that did that to me or sent me a text as his first contact. Yuck.

    Janjune…..that felt so totally wonderful reading your email where you started out feeling frustrated about online dating then POOF! That man appeared that you felt may be interesting to you. That felt exciting to me!

    Daria…..I felt so happy for you that your Dad brought you flowers! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!! YAY! I feel as though your post reinforced for ME that men really do want to please us and get to be the MAN and that if we are clear about what we want, need, desire, etc that they WILL try. I felt excited by this!

    Dock…..Thank you so so much for posting that link about feelings. I actually saved the link because I feel as though so many times I am at a loss as far as figuring out EXACTLY what it is that I am feeling…even though it doesn’t have to have a ‘name’ per se….it feels better to ME to be able to name it. YAY! I feel inspired and thankful for your post!

    Gina…..”I feel scared of circular dating! I feel scared of men. I feel scared of their bigness and strangeness. I feel worried about being murdered by a creepy man. I feel worried about hurting men’s feelings. I feel worried about pissing off his mom. I feel worried about being judged by him and his mom. I feel worried about losing my baggage. I feel worried about being free. I feel scared that when the weight lifts, I’ll be free. And I’m worried that the higher I drift away, the harder I could fall.’ I feel this exact way! I feel as though I might be moving into a place where I would open to trying circular dating but then again each time I take a step toward doing so…..I get to feeling angry and that I don’t want to give any man anything of mine…not my time…not my energy…not my anything!

    Bethany….I felt so excited to read that you were wanting to move to Mpls. I am originally from there and it is truly a beautiful and wonderful place! Very very cold in the winter but wonderful.

    Simply Shannon…thank you so much for posting Mercedes’ post on online dating. I was going to try to find that. I feel inspired by your circular dating success. I am feeling as though the more time that goes by being away from the house and Charles…the more I am feeling better and when he calls or we talk I feel myself getting frustrated with him quite quickly. Last night he invited me over to have dinner with him and his family and especially his little 3 year old niece that he knows I adore. I had a great time with his nieces but I felt irritated with his behavior…..and that actually felt really GOOD to me….it felt like growth and HUGE steps forward for me…..I feel like celebrating that right now. I really do feel so inspired by your forward leaps too! YAY!!

    Dorothea…I feel inspired by your trip to Paris! Like you…I too DO want to get married again but I feel really afraid of that now. I feel so afraid of that that I may just want to find a life partner and call it a day but for me, I know that I am NOT wired that way. That is why this whole ordeal with my now X was so hard for me.

    Sending you all love….

  305.  #305Flipper on October 25, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Tina In (I write that to distinguish from the other Tina who grew tomatoes and cancelled her flight for a 5-day coffee date)

    I’ve just learned that ‘uncertainty’ is one of the hardest things for human beings to bear, harder even than pain. I mean, I felt that already (though for a long time that wouldn’t have been enough for me to recognize its validity), but I just read about coroboration from tests, etc.

    So,if as you say, there is “so much uncertainity in life”, and the antidote is ‘certainty’, how can I get that? I see the solution in what Rori is teaching us: feeling certain about ourselves, within ourselves. That is what we can count on. I can observe that things, people, the world around me change, most often in ways I have no control over, but I’ll always be sure that it’s Me that observes. Even if I change, at my core I am still the same me. So that’s where I want to ground myself and build my secure base. My observing, my feelings, my person are my rock and can’t be taken away.

    Even if I have some influence, everything else is subject to forces beyond me, but also to forces beyond itself. That includes society and traditions. A traditional marriage may appear to bring comforting security, but it was not designed to meet a lot of other individual needs. Once contracted, the ‘certainty’ of it’s existence will be there, but the ‘comfort’ may prove illusory, and the real price of that security prove prohibitive. And in the face of all that’s changing in the world, can it still guaranty its safe-guards in exchange for accepting the constraints?

    I feel for you in your dilemna. Realistically, women (and many others as well) still cannot exercise full freedom of choice and preserve their safety at the same time in many parts of the world at this point in time. All the more reason to keep true to one’s inner flame, to know and feel one’s own worth .

  306.  #306Cassandra on October 25, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Linda…..I totally agree with you too on the texting thing! I actually HATE texting unless that man is already in my life and sending me a ‘hope you are having an awesome day’ or a ‘hi beautiful!’ Stuff like that…I love it but overall texting? Nope! I would love to have you look at my profile whenever I do get to circular dating. I am not sure if you remember or not but this past summer I did sign up on a site to try circular dating…this was even before had moved out of the house but my experience there was not good at all so I quit. I guess I should re-word that….I quit looking at my emails and the site. I do feel more open to circular dating as more time passes and the more I feel frustrated with Charles and his behavior…the moreopen to it I am but I still feel really closed off and that I do NOT want to give a man anything of mine….time, energy, smiles, whatever…..I feel like I just don’t want to do that right now. I want to spend time with ME and ME alone right now. IS that a bad thing?

  307.  #307Tina on October 25, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    The guy from the past relationship called me. He feels like his life is falling apart without me even though he still thinks break up is the best solution for us.

    He is also aware that I am moving away from this country very soon for good.

    I miss him too……I feel the pain n i expressed that to him.

    This is how it is……”Feeling messages” no matter whats happening (Feels like world is falling apart this moment)

  308.  #308Rori Raye on October 27, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Wendy, welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain, physical and emotional. First – advil kills your stomach lining and then CREATES more inflammation in your body. What you are dealing with is inflammation and muscle pain leading to nerve pain. If you cannot afford practitioners, go to Amazon, and get “Trigger Point Therapy” by Clair Davis…It’s my bible. Whenever I have pain, I find it in the book and work it out for myself. It also helps me know what’s going on when I DO see a practitioner. Next…go to the nearest health store in the nearest big town…and find someone who knows something. Tell them about all your pain, and start trying natural things…anti-inflammatory things. Glucosamine and Chondroitin and MSM work on these kinds of pain –but they cause stomach issues, too…which cause more inflammation…herbs like boswella and bromelain and quercetin can REALLY help. Things that might look good on the label and work for others might actually throw you MORE out of balance. A knowledgeable person will help you in a good health food store or natural pharmacy, and you’ll just be spending the money on the remedies. It’s going to be trial and error. Then there are probiotics – very important. And then – diet. What you eat can inflame you or calm you down. There are books you can search through in the health food store – like nutritional healing…that will give you great ideas. Then there’s this…much inflammation is actually caused by an overgrowth of pathogens – bacteria and fungus. You have to kill enough of these overgrowths and beef up your immune system so that you become balanced — and then the inflammation will go away. It’s a process, though. One ‘cleanse” – though you can try anything that looks good to you…will not do the job. You’ll have to stick with a plan and alter it as you go through it. If you can find a “homeopathic” or “natural” PHARMACY in a big city near you…you’ll find knowledgeable people who will help you, also. This is going to be self help…it’s going to be a real job…but you CAN help yourself. There are shortcuts in Western medicine for some things, that deal with symptoms but not the cause (like Lyrica for fibromyalgia, which is an inflammatory disease if ever there was one…in my humble and uncredentialed opinion). You can go many different directions. Good luck, and take over your health – it’s the only way.

  309.  #309Rori Raye on October 27, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Hi, Hannah, Welcome, and best thing is to go to the page about it…just go to the link on the sidebar here about Rori’s products…and find the Toxic Man page…it will help you (there’s a long quiz) figure out what kind of man you’re dealing with or most usually deal with, give you the language and power speeches to stand up for yourself in a way that will also transform HIM…just generally one of my favorite of my programs – very powerful for a very serious issue. If you ever feel powerless in your relationships – try Toxic Men out. Love, Rori

  310.  #310Rori Raye on October 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    AshlieLynn, Welcome…and I know you will get so much help here. What I want to encourage you to do is start SPEAKING the TRUTH. Your feelings are crucial here, and letting him SEE your feelings is essential. If he’s your friend only, then you should be able to pretty much tell him ANYTHING and talk about anything. If this is a transition from friends to lovers, then he pretty much has to lead the way. Give it some more time, let him do what he does. If he brings up other girls and sex, tell him it feels weird to hear him talk about other women, and you’re aware that if you’re just friends you wouldn’t feel that way, and so you’re feeling a bit confused about where you two are at, and you don’t want to be pretending, because as his friend honesty is really important to you…so you’d rather not hear about that part of his life. You are clearly not dating, if he hasn’t kissed you…so there’s nothing you can do but tell the truth and be yourself. Love, Rori

  311.  #311TW on October 27, 2009 at 1:25 pm


    I have a question and need some advice so feel free to chime in. Previously I told everyone that I had a friend that I had not met for 2 years (phone conversations only) we recently met and had an awesome time together. We went out a couple of times and eventually slept together (great by the way) anyway, things were going well and then I did not hear from him for a day or two. I text him and asked him if he was okay and he was like do not be mad at him he had some issues and give him a little while to get back to normal. Well that was a week ago today and still no word from him. Long story short I have some tickets (very expensive) to a game next weekend and he said he wanted to go with me. Now I have not heard from him so do I ride it out until he calls and if he does not call by next week ask him if he still wants to go. I do not want him to be expecting to meet up and then I ask someone else but I do not want to keep calling him or texting him either. What do you all suggest?

  312.  #312Flipper on October 27, 2009 at 4:28 pm


    Must be a bummer – I hope you’ve seen Rori’s latest posts and a recent eletter where she talks about these disappearing acts.

    Would could I do at this point in your situation? First, find the words to put on the icky feelings that I’m starting to feel with more and more insistance. To do this, I’d have to STOP brushing them aside, and STOP trying to be positive by telling myself ‘there’s still hope, he did promise (well, say…) bla bla’ and. So, how do You really feel Now?

    Then I’d remind myself I have 2 expensive tickets to a great match and I am counting on having a fab time there. I’d hate to waste them, but that’s feeling like a distinct possibility. I’d think of other people I’d like to have with me and calculate how much time I need to make sure one of them could come. If that means I have to start sounding them out now, I would. In this case, I MIGHT send an email like ‘I feel confused about the game next weekend. I don’t want the extra ticket to go to waste if you can’t confirm.’ Or if it could wait AND I FELT COMFORTABLE WAITING, I’d just go ahead and invite someone else before it got too late. But I would NOT initiate contact with him at this point. If he contacted me too late, I’d share my feelings (confusion, bothered, disappointed whatever) maybe like ‘I’d have loved hearing from you about the game, cuz I wanted to feel sure about my plans, so now I’ve made other arrangements.’

    Go and have a wonderful time, TW, with whoever.

  313.  #313TW on October 28, 2009 at 9:29 am


    You are right and I am not worried at all… Everything will work itself out.. I am so busy right now that I have a million and one things to worry about and that is a good and a bad thing because I am so consumed right now.. Anyway, I am going to be patient and wait it out and see what is what… I know what he is getting in me but I do not know what I am getting in him. I trust him as my friend but that is a different story when you put your friend in the MAN category. I have learned the hard way that Action speak louder than words and right now his actions are speaking volumes…

    Love you girl

  314.  #314sparkles on November 11, 2009 at 11:43 am

    I have a quick question.
    I have a BF and we had already discussed being “exclusive” (before I found the commitment blueprint). Things were going ok, but not really developing after two+ years.
    One day, we have a huge fight (incited by BF) and the BF asked me to move out of his place. I move out and yet he still wants to date. (is he a toxic guy?) He still wants be “in a relationship” with me and I figure he is still a candidate to sweep me off my feet and into the sunset, so I agree but say that I want to keep my options open (i.e. circular date).
    This goes well for a while. I am happy, busy, not feeling stressed about the “BF” at all. He calls every night and is actually quite sweet. We drive to the mountains one day and he is very curious about my other dates. He basically asks if I am close to finding someone to replace him. (I don’t know what to say and start feeling annoyed with his “prying” -If he wants to discuss our sex life and our future, I’m all for it but I don’t think it’s really any of his business.) We discuss sex. I am not having sex w/ other people but also not with him since I moved out. He asks for sexual exclusivity and I agree to at least talk to him before anything happens w/ someone else.
    Recently he told me that he is having a very hard time with me dating other people. (Even though he phones every night to be sure I am going to bed.) He pressures me, telling me that it is hurting our relationship (because he is naturally jealous and suspicious) and that if I want our relationship to be stronger, I’ll need to stop dating other guys.
    I want a husband and a family, not a boyfriend. I tell him this but he counters that exclusivity is the first step. Really? I ask I don’t want to argue but… we had already been exclusive for 2 years and even living together and I still have no ring.)
    What do I do, Rori? What do I say? I don’t want to end up with him being my BF again, no other men to date, no wedding ring, no commitment.

  315.  #315Rori Raye on November 12, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    sparkles – this is going well. You are doing great. Of course he’s upset. That’s what every man will do…just notice – YOU HOLD THE CARDS. You hold the POWER.
    Don’t give it away!!! Stick to exactly what you said, no discussion, he’s either dating you or he’s married to you. that’s it. No gray area. And you’re not well disposed to him since he asked you to leave. He’s going to have to prove he’s serious in order to get you all to himself, and that likely means a wedding date! and in the meantime – I’m guessing you’re going to be meeting a much better man. Love, Rori

  316.  #316Cassandra on January 18, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Hi Sirens! I have been kind of reading from afar and trying as best I can to keep up with everyone’s posts but I am still pretty far behind. I send everyone a huge hug and lots of love though!

    An update…I am finally feeling as though after the whole Charles situation that I am on track to having my life back! That feels so amazing and when I look back at 2008 and most of 2009 I feel angry that I I did not ‘get it’ until very late in 2009. I feel as though I wasted so much of my precious time. I do feel happy though that at least the light bulb did finally go on for me.

    I am now circular dating and for the most part, that feels good. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed though and I feel that I am not effectively keeping track of the men that are in my dating rotation. I get so confused sometimes trying to keep them straight! 🙂 LOL

    I have a question though…is anyone else out there experiencing this?? I am finding that I meet a seemingly great guy and we talk regularly and often. HE begins to talk about much more serious stuff…things like…”Oh wow! I can’t believe that I finally found ‘The One'”…or stuff like “Now that I found you, I don’t want to let you go”…..stuff that is very ‘future oriented’ and some of them have even made mention of marriage. It feels so odd to me for a man to say that kind of things so so fast and early when they don’t even really know me yet. My question is this though….after they begin to say those kinds of things they begin to call less frequently….a lot less frequently and I find that the dynamics are shifting into him calling less and me wanting (KEY WORD!) wanting to call him more to ‘fill in that space’. I feel proud of myself though that I DO NOT DO THAT! I am NOT filling in that space. I am not calling them more frequently as a matter of fact what I am finding is that when that happens and I don’t call them more, the contact just kind of wanes and they disappear. I know that I am not doing anything wrong but is anyone else out there who is circular dating experiencing this same thing? Where the guy comes on REALLY REALLY strong and then they begin to speak of future or marriage very fast and early on and then they begin to call you less than usual? I am not going to fill in those spaces or call them more. I will return a call or text but I am not going to shift into being the boy in any dating ‘relationship’ (I don’t consider these relationships but I couldn’t think of another word on that.) I want to be the girl and refuse to lean forward and then become the boy or be in that boy energy. Then…when I don’t shift into that boy energy they will say things like ‘well you don’t call me or contact me’!! HELLO!!! Am I missing something here Sirens??? I do NOT want to step into that boy energy and carry any kind of ‘dating relationship’ at all. I want to be the pursue-ee not the pursue-er but it feels like they want me to chase them which I simply will not do.

    If anyone has any insight on this, I would so greatly appreciate it. I miss you all and think of you all often. Rori, if you have any insight too, I would love to know how to handle this…I do feel as though I am doing pretty well but want to check in to make sure. XOOXOXOXO

    Love and hugs to all….

  317.  #317Flipper on January 18, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Oh Cassandra,

    I feel so HAPPY (big smiles, jumpy roundy) to read these kinds of questions from you!!!!! What a difference a few months makes! As for keeping up with the blog, even without such heavy CD distraction as you’re experiencing, it’s hard, but as fascinating, useful and addictive as ever.

    I don’t really have any specific answers for you, but rather some questions to toss back. I can certainly understand your confusion with these premature “found the One” remarks. (I think under my girl hat I ‘d feel taken aback, flattered, confused and under my by hat, I’d wonder about their emotional maturity and/or sincerity.) But what do You feel when they say that? And do you express your Feelings about it to them? However ill-timed or as yet unfounded these declarations may be, they must be felt pretty powerfully by these fellows. What I’m wondering here is, if in your astonishment or confusion, you’re not really expressing your Feelings but going into ‘reasonable’ mode and ‘explaining’ why such a possibility can’t be considered (i.e. thought about) so soon? Or else, perhaps not reacting much at all, as if nothing so momentous had even been said? In such cases, they might feel ‘dismissed’. These are just conjectures on my part to see where their idea/feeling that you’re not interested in them comes from (your not calling them might logically look like that to them, but it doesn’t really cut it.) What do you think?

    You might want to fast forward to some of Rori’s recent posts where she talks about men’s drifting away. There are also some things about guys coming on really strong like that right away, but that might be among the Siren’s comments.

    Anyway, as for me, both my feet are ok right now so I’ve been dancing up a storm, and I’m taking singing lessons and those things make me feel really good.

    Lots of hugs and a New Year’s bouquet for you, sweetie.

  318.  #318Flipper on January 18, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    PS There’s also a post on how ‘explaining’ won’t get us anywhere but backwards, dismissed or rejected. xxoo

  319.  #319TW on January 19, 2010 at 6:21 am


    I am so glad to hear from you and hear that you are doing well. Anyway, that great guy that I met did that very thing you are talking about. He came on so strong and talked of our future and now he has basically disappeared. HE stopped answering my calls and my text. WHen I did talk to him he was talking to me as though he just met me yesterday. I am just as clueless as you are. I have deleted his number and his pics out of my phone. Part of me just wants to text him and say bye you know out of being the respectful and caring person that I am but the other part of me just wants to say FU for playing around with my feelings.

  320.  #320Cassandra on January 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Hi Flipper and TW….
    Thanks Sirens for your responses and input. I feel appreciative of that and I missed you guys so so much!!

    With regard to the ‘The One’ comments… they don’t bother me anymore because that has happened so many times now that I already have my comeback….. I usually say something like this….
    ‘gosh, It feels kind of weird to me for you to say those kinds of things to me when we don’t even know one another that well and have yet to meet in person. I feel sort of uncomfortable and would feel better if we could go slow and get to learn more about one another before even mentioning anything like that.’ Some of them get pissed and run for the hills which is fine with me and others stick around but stop that kind of language. When that first happened, I was indeed so shocked that I did dismiss the comment as though it had not been said but that didn’t feel good to me because he kept on saying those things so now I speak up and tell them how I feel. I refuse to step into that boy energy though when they say that kind of stuff and then they back the contact WAAAAY off. I am NOT going to chase them…period. It is like they shift the energy then so that I would be the one chasing them. Have you experienced this??

    I am pretty proud of myself over something that transpired this morning and afternoon. I had a morning breakfast meeting with a man that I met online. He initially asked me to come to his office because he is self employed – keep in mind that so am I! – and he wanted me to come to his office which is not all that far away from where I love but still I was not going to do that. I told him that I felt really uncomfortable in going to his office as I don’t know him and have never met him and that is not something that I was ok doing. He then said that at least then he could stay in ‘productive mode’ to which I answered….’You know, I am also self employed and I am taking an hour or so out of my morning work routine to come and meet you for breakfast yet it feels as though you would prefer to continue working and that feels horrible. If you are willing to take that time out to meet me somewhere in the middle, then I am fine getting together however I am not coming to your office and I am not going to break up my workday to meet with you unless you are making that same sacrifice. What do you think?” That is pretty much verbatim what I said to him and boy o boy did he do a little dance around his own ignorance!! He stepped up and told me that no = he wanted me to be totally comfortable and that we could meet in the middle because he really wanted to meet me.
    The other things that happened was similar. I am meeting another man that I met online this evening and he lives on the other side of town. He asked me to come to his side of town to meet for about 15 or 20 minutes! Can you believe the balls?? I was shocked. I told him pretty much the same thing. I told him when he called me this morning that I was willing to meet him half way however having never met him and given the fact that I don’t know him, I did not feel comfortable driving all the way across town like that and if that was an issue we could easily reschedule. He did the same thing! He danced around his own ignorance and is damn lucky I am meeting him at all! He called me back this afternoon asking me to do him a HUGE favor in driving over to his side of town for our meeting this evening – keep in mind that this was the 2nd time he had asked me this. This time I not only reminded him that I am a lady and I don’t feel comfortable driving across town to meet a man that I don’t know for the first time and that if he wanted to meet me half way then fine and if not we could cancel. He immediately told me that he totally respected the fact that I stood my ground and was ONLY willing to meet him half way and that he would call me with a location of a coffee shop where we could meet at about the halfway mark. I am so disillusioned by both these jokers that I really don’t even want to go this evening after guy #2 asked me not once but twice to come to him. NO FRIGGIN” WAY! I am not doing that again now or ever. I don’t even really want to meet him anymore. Anyway…I just wanted to share that as I felt that this was tremendous growth for me. In the past I would have likely gone to meet both of them. Not anymore. That is the past. I feel proud of my choices and for stikcing to them….likely for the first time in my life other than moving out of Charles’ house. YAY for me!!

    Flipper…I am thrilled to know that you are dancing and singing!!

    TW….I have missed you too girl!! I feel proud of you for deleting his number and email address and I would not call him or text him at all. Let that jackass go! You deserve better plus judging from my own experiences this far…..he will be back if you don’t contact him at all….not even a smoke signal! He will likely be back at some point. I feel proud of you!!

    Love you Sirens!! XOXO

  321.  #321tinque on January 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Cassandra – You are amazing. I am thrilled over your transformation. How inspiring beautiful lady.

  322.  #322TW on January 20, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Cassy…my friends all say the same thing…he will be back and I have to be prepared but I’m going into the mode where I don’t really care anymore you know… I too am so proud of you and your transformation. You are a beautiful woman inside and out…

  323.  #323Cassandra on January 20, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Tinque and TW…thank you both so so much for the encouragement and words of support….that felt wonderful to read and brought me to tears. I can so vividly remember the place where I was a year ago and it hurts so deeply to even think about my life at that time. Things are so very different now and I feel so thankful for that. I have peace again and I can live my life without fear of being degraded simply for being. The support and love that I received here was instrumental in helping me to get out of that horribly abusive situation and I feel so thankful for Rori, you and all of that other Sirens here on the island and I can honestly say that I love you all so very much. Thank you. It is because of what I learned here and with another life coach, that I was finally able to SEE what was really happening and make that change and now when I look back I shudder because it hurts me to know that one human being could treat another human being in the way that Charles treated me BUT I was the one that stayed because I felt so trapped. Never again. Never again will anyone ever abuse me in any way shape or form. You hear people tell you to never say never?? Well I am saying never…..NEVER AGAIN! I am FINALLY in a place where I will NOT allow anyone to treat me badly in any way again and would rather be alone if I can’t find a man that would treat me with the love, kindness, and compassion that I treat others with and deserve myself. I feel inspired right now…I am crying right now and I feel happy and free and as though I am standing on the edge of a HUGE cliff and on the verge of flying.

    For so many years, I would accept crumbs because I didn’t get that I really did deserve better and this evening is a perfect example of how self love and respect work. I told the man that I was meeting this evening that I was not going to drive to meet him. He could meet me half way but I was not going to his neck of the woods….period. I really didn’t care how he felt about that because a lady does not need to be driving to see a man that claims to be a gentleman. I figured that if he truly wanted to see me, then he could meet me half way or not see me at all. Not only did he meet me half way, HE Paid for dinner, HE opened my door – including the car door when he walked me back to my car after dinner and HE asked me if he could give me a hug before we parted ways and HE asked me if he could see me again this weekend. I did not initiate a single solitary thing. In the past, I would have felt that I had to carry the conversation, perhaps pay for dinner, that I would have had to bring up seeing him again in the future and all of that crap. I did none of that and I stood up for how I felt in the driving issue and he totally stepped up and even told me before he opened my car door that he didn’t think that he had ever truly met a lady before this evening. For the first time, I truly didn’t care what the outcome was or if I even saw him again or at all for that matter because it was about ME and MY OWN BOUNDARIES….and that feels amazing. I am not going back to how things were for so many years. This is a new year and a new set of boundaries that never existed until now….and yes….it is a completely transformed me and that feels beautiful in every way.

    Tinque and TW, thank you so much for your support and for your love. I feel that you are both a gift to so many, myself included. I love you both.

    Sending lots of hugs….

    ps….TW….I am so glad that you are not contacting that guy. He is a creep and does not deserve to even be around you….now or ever. When he does return and I believe that he will, I look forward to you being able to tell him that YOU are no longer interested. I will celebrate that with you!! Love you girl!! XOXO

  324.  #324TW on January 20, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    cassy… I am so proud that you have set your boundaries and you are sticking with them… The guy I was telling you about actually had all of the qualities that I was looking for in someone but I failed to set my boundaries. I was so happy to find someone that wanted the things that I wanted that I did not do any of the tools. I wasn’t leaninf forward all the time but I was indeed leaning forward some of the time though and when things were at their peak he drifted but you can rest assured that I will not contact him again and that when and if I hear from him he will get a oower speech outta this world.. You are my inspiration.

  325.  #325Daria on January 20, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Cassandra thank you for inspiring me.

    you know, i have been very strict on having the guys come to MY side of town, and have had trouble coming off “rigid” and feeling icky.

    maybe i will be ok with meeting them halfway like you have… for the first meeting.

    well it was sounding great at first until i started writing this…

    love you! so glad you’re feeling good and i’m happy to see you posting!

  326.  #326TW on January 20, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    Hi Daria…

  327.  #327Daria on January 20, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Hi Tw!