Why Circular Date?

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One of my totally talented RRRCT coaches, Katy Sykes, saw an entire article centered on Circular Dating posted on a website – with no mention of Rori Raye – and asked if it came from an RRRCT coach.

No. It’s someone else – several other “experts,” taking the phrase “Circular Dating” – which is totally linked to Rori Raye and Rori Raye trained coaches – and doing with it what they will.

Here’s some of it:

“Most single women who are dating will complain that finding ‘Mr Right’ is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

But experts insist that it could well be because these women put all their eggs in one basket by dating one man at a time.

Multi dating or circular dating is a must. Every single woman out there must multiple date. It isn’t cheating, it’s about keeping your options open.’

Here, they share why you should date many men at the same time to ensure you find Mr Right – and avoid getting caught doing it.

There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one person at the same time but if you’d rather keep it quiet, being organized will help you avoid any bumps in the road.


Never go to the same place with different guys

Don’t arrange to go on two dates on the same day. The last thing you want is to call your date the name of the other man or getting confused about conversations you already had with the other one.

Don’t connect with them on social media. It’s a small world and you never know who is connected to whom and you certainly don’t want any of your dates to post any updates that might give away the fact that you are dating different people.

At the end of the day, if you’re not seeing someone exclusively, there shouldn’t be a problem with seeing different people at the same time, so keep your options open and keep an open mind.

Get a dating phone, a separate number from your personal line.

Get a dating email. Give both out to any dates and keep your privacy.

Keep your first dates very short – a maximum two hour drink date. This way you can ‘stack’ date, with different men on the same evening.

Retain mystery when answering dating questions, for example, if he asks ‘who else are you dating?’ Respond ‘that would be telling.’

My Answer:

I see all of this quite a bit differently.

How about you don’t agree to becoming exclusive with anyone until you’re absolutely ready and sure you have everything you want with this one man?

In other words – how about we go back to old-fashioned dating where everyone had a “dance card” and no man got to “claim” you unless it was an engagement ring he offered?

This way there’s no cheating, there’s no need for being “careful,” there’s no need for any kind of hiding or mystery.

Dating is exploration.

It’s not about “bonding” with someone just because you kiss him – or even sleep with him. This is basic female empowerment, it’s basically the way, I believe, men assume “dating” works.

Somewhere along the line, someone invented “exclusivity in early dating” as a way to keep women tied down.

The result, though, is everyone feels uncomfortable, trapped and filled with pressure.

Circular Dating not only takes the pressure off – a man can have as long as he needs to decide “you’re the one,” while you get to stay sane, get to know many people, get to practice my Modern Siren Tools and learn how to Leanback and feel calm, serene – all the things that are nearly impossible for a woman to feel when she’s invested in a man.

Circular Dating is simply a logical, reasonable, sane way to go.

And – what’s always missing from any article talking about Circular Dating is that Circular Dating is NOT about “dating”!!!

It’s a therapeutic Rori Raye Tool, meant to help every woman learn to use ALL the Modern Siren Tools with men everywhere. It’s a practice pool. It’s very, very challenging to use new tools like “Feeling Messages” with a man you’re invested in, like, live with, feel drawn to or bonded to.

Doing ANYTHING “new” feels scary naturally – and that’s why we call it “rehearsal.”

In order to rehearse your Rori Raye “scripts” and “speeches” – you have to practice them on people where the risk is small before you jump in with a man where the stakes are high.

Circular Dating can be about simply learning how to talk to a man. How to have a conversation without feeling like you have to “hold the whole thing up.”

Circular Dating is the cure for everything. Working our stuff out in public – WITH people, with men we encounter, not only solves problems for real instead of just spinning them constantly in our heads (sort of like how actually packing is more helpful than staying up at night thinking “about” packing) – it begins to draw in the real men most “right” and “good” for us.

Often – the act of packing helps you put your packing list together! So, Circular Dating, as a bonus to the Free Therapy, gets you a clearer idea of who you are, who the men are you want, and often delivers you the partner to be with!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 17, 2017 at 5:53 am

    More on circular dating

  2.  #2Grace on January 21, 2017 at 11:16 am

    CDing has given me so much more confidence to be my natural badass self.

    Convo with CD last night, who absolutely adores me but is playing clueless (and I’m having a great time because I’m CDing and enjoying the ride):
    “I have a fantasy of waking up to you snuggling me.”
    Me: “I have a fantasy of being taken on a proper date!”
    LDCD: “You are so perfect.”

    Hahahaha. Second time a man has told me I’m perfect in the last couple of weeks. 😀

    He told me he was going to leave the back door open for me to come in, and I told him, “Sweet dreams, luv,” and followed my feelings all the way home to my warm comfy bed.
    Meanwhile, he put a T-shirt of mine on his pillow and slept with it.

    The old me probably would have rushed over there, happy for the opportunity to be his fantasy. The current me knows this man is having the time of his life being challenged and I’m enjoying being free as a bird.

    I’ve been learning about myself – that I felt like I needed to entertain a man. That I felt like I had to give him all of my attention when he is around. That I needed to “do”. LDCD came over last week to spend time with me, and I was feeling anxious about having him over ALL DAY OMG. I HAD THINGS TO DOOOOOOO! I wanted to give myself a pedi, make sugar scrubs, knit…and he said, well DO it! “I’m here to be part of your positivity and pleasure, not part of your anxiety!” He was so happy and content to sit next to me cuddled up while I gave myself a pedi and I felt closeness and intimacy.

    If I hadn’t been CDing, I would have given this man the boot a long time ago, because he wasn’t moving fast enough for my taste – but it has been so incredibly worthwhile to CD and take the pressure off everyone involved. Especially at our ages, we all seem to have sh!t to heal and baggage to unload and I feel we are all good for each other and affecting each other positively and with so much love. The utter absolute KINDNESS of the men I’m dating now boggles my mind and makes me feel so relaxed and juicy, warm and flowing.

    happythankyoumoreplease 😀

  3.  #3Grace on January 25, 2017 at 6:52 am

    Wow, just wow.
    CDing has also helped me get perspective. While I was pouting that LDCD wasn’t booking me up and asking me out more often, I went out and thoroughly enjoyed myself with other CD’s. In the meantime, while LD was off doing things his way and not *my* way and has ordered stuff for his home in my favorite color, just ordered a new bed for his guest room so I can stay over during the busy season (he’s close to my job and we work in the same industry) with no pressure for sex, and asked me for a grocery list so he can have the fridge stocked for me next week when the Superbowl is here and we’ll both be working around the clock.

    I have keys to his place, and he is getting his home ready for me to live in. He tells me he loves me, calls or texts every day, A LOT, hahaha, and is planning a future with me. I thought he was being clueless but I’m realizing he is totally f*cking confident he will win me over.

    Seriously without CDing I would not have had the patience for all of this to unfold – I had ideals of how this should go, dammit!

    I am a very, very happy woman this morning. He is a very, very happy man, 😀
    Thank you, Rori, for opening my mind to the possibilities.
    I’m wishing you the best and easiest recovery possible. <3 <3 <3

  4.  #4Grace on January 25, 2017 at 7:04 am

    Oh, and by the way, he ADORES that I haven’t yet slept with him. It turns him on. I’m not playing a game, I simply haven’t felt ready. We have super fun high school make-out and heavy petting sessions and a couple of times I’ve simply gotten up and left when I felt pushed for more, which only makes him crazier about me and it makes him laugh and laugh. Not just him, my other CDs as well, they LOVE me being strong and having hard boundaries. So different from butthurt men in the past who have been mean and nasty towards me for not feeling like having sex.

    So much goodness this morning….

  5.  #5Mandy on February 20, 2017 at 11:19 am

    Great reminder. I have been expanding my mind on how I should lay down my boundaries. Circular Dating definitely gets a guy’s attention and I have had many a jealous suitor (not that jealousy was my aim, it was not, but sometimes they can be passionate) and it really shows me as well as a man how lovely I am when I constantly feel validated as a feminine attractive woman.

    I does feel like older times when women had the “dance cards”. Feels like if a guy is a good guy he will have patience to let another “cut in”.

  6.  #6Mandy on February 23, 2017 at 10:14 pm

    Hello Ladies,

    I have been painfully been all alone in my tiny apartment, for the reason that I need to get used to it, without J, even with him as nothing more than a platonic friend.

    I am addicted to him. I am tryin to conquer it by going through this.

    I hope like there’s no tomorrow that you dearest, most beautiful, honorable, brave, worthy Sirens hear me, and my urge to explain to you to never, ever make yourself in any way, shape, or form, thinking of yourself as lesser than any person.

    BUT….please do let yourself know you are WORTHY as can be to have a better mate, life partner, man, Husband, if you re not happy currently….

    My own psychiatrist saw how my Father worships the ground my mother walks on. He says that’s what it seems I want, and he’s been seeing me for 15 years. So I don’t need to go to a Professional Psychiatrist to know that…and what’s kind of funny, is that Rori herself has told me, number one , that I know NOT what I want…(great graciousness, I wish I could retrieve that comment.)

    Ohhh dear Sirens… Not only am I open to your comments….I am HERE for you……

  7.  #7Indigo on February 24, 2017 at 4:37 am

    Hi Mandy,

    Great to chat with you again.

    The first thing I’d like you to do is urge you to cut contact with J if you feel like you are addicted to him. It does not have to be forever, but that addiction is stopping you from moving forward whether you know it or not. The mere fact that you need his presence places you in a very vulnerable position, and it does not have to be that way.

    Secondly, I want to echo what you said about being worthy to have a fantastic mate or husband. The only limit to the kind of partner you can have is your imagination. And when you meet that better, wonderful man, it will give you confidence like you have never known before. You will finally know that not only are you worthy of better, but better DOES exist. Spending too much time with people who don’t treat you right is not being kind to oneself. I eventually learnt that after years of wondering why I felt so confused and frustrated.

  8.  #8Mandy on February 26, 2017 at 12:13 pm


    Yes…I really feel it to the nth degree. I mi9ss him. I think about him every other thought but the thing is, he’s not good for me and everyone around me says so. My parents told me he should me dead to me basically. That is how horrible he has been to me. Manipulative, self-serving, showing Narcissistic and anti-social tendencies. Drinking until he’s stumbling drunk every night. Baiting me trying to make me jealous by talking about who he likes. Constantly negging me and putting me down. I mean, I feel I’ve been so abused I don’t even recognize it anymore.

    I spent the evening with a different male friend last night who is very protective. I have had to use thought-stopping techniques when my mind goes int he direction of I want to see J right now. I have to take a walk or clean or play with the cat or something and it’s going…okaaayyy….I guess.

    See I remember when I started the Modern Siren how connected I was to myself. I felt my “rock” underneath me, I felt energy flowing through me with ease, no blockages, and totally relaxed, goddessy.

    I want it back!

  9.  #9Mandy on February 26, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    PS – Indigo – it is SO GOOD to hear from you dear. Thanks for listening 🙂

  10.  #10Suzy on February 26, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    HI Rori
    I am reading and listening to all your material – every day, and any spare time. I can’t seem to get anyone’s attention on line and end up having to try to send kisses and smiles. It’s 4 weeks. And I have even gone out everywhere and anywhere to try out my skills. Hardly anyone is showing up. Old guys in their 70s……I am dating myself, and going out with my girlfriends, and then spend loads of time just going to the gym or shopping with my headphones on listening to your stuff. i am taking care of myself and doing the tools, but no dates.Help.

  11.  #11Mandy on February 27, 2017 at 11:57 am

    So I’ve been doing this self-help thing for trying to….how do I say….uh…have better success with the opposite sex….for like five years.

    I have fallen off the wagon as it were and fallen back into my old ways of pushing people too hard…to do something I want.

    How do I explain this hmmm…it’s like the coaches say….
    Lean back, don’t make the first move or don’t text or call, let them text or call you or start the interaction, lean back and just let him “row the boat””.

    It…. goes against who I am.

    People aren’t one size fits all.

    So my question to my shy guy friend was this – if a woman is forward with you, are you turned off?
    He said:
    “I like forward women – I’m too shy most of the time to make the first move.”

    I replied:
    “But the program says I will be a miserable woman having to do all the forwardness and work if I do that with a man.”

    ANYONE I talk to… friend, foe, stranger, acquaintance, and cute guys and girls ALL get the same treatment….I’m incredibly forward and I share everything. boldly!!!! I am a sensitive extrovert, a cheerleader of the world, very social and very interactive and outspoken.

    The biggest problem I’ve had is holding back who I truly am…an extrovert.

    Can anyone give me some insight?

  12.  #12Indigo on March 1, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    Mandy #8,

    Good stuff 🙂 Just keep going.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes as long as it takes. One day you WILL, and I can promise you this, be able to let him go completely, and he will have no more hold over you.

    Filling your life with something equally important and absorbing is the way to go. Seeing a guy friend and cleaning is all very well, but there’s nothing quite like a big new venture in your life, like a move, a new job, or a new relationship, to invigorate you and give you a fresh start.

  13.  #13Indigo on March 1, 2017 at 11:18 pm

    Mandy #11,

    I don’t want to be a blog hog or give unsolicited advice, so if I’m being too pushy, just tell me to shove off!

    I am kind of an amateur expert on introverts/extroverts and sensitivity, not because I’m so great, but because the subject interests me and deeply impacts me, so I’ve made it my business to learn everything I can and to seek help from a number of people (Dominique would also be a great person to talk to, she’s an expert on sensitivity too).

    The thing is, as you probably already know, there is nothing wrong with being extroverted and outgoing. We are all different, and our different personalities make the world interesting. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your bubbly, friendly nature with people – it’s wonderful in fact, and there are many people who will enjoy it and love you for it.

    What is not ok is pushing people, manipulating people, giving to get, and so on. Anything that pressures people into acting a certain way, against their own perfectly free will, falls into this category. Don’t feel bad; every single one of us has done this and still does this from time to time. The thing is not to make a habit of it, and to recognise it and course-correct when you do. Apologise to the other person if you can, “oops, I just realised that might have made you feel pressured. I’m sorry.”

    In the context of dating, it is perfectly FINE to share your bubbly nature – many guys will love it. But it is pretty important not to tell him what to do, initiate too much (stay well below 50% of the time) or try and steer the relationship in the direction you want it to go. If you catch yourself doing something which is not going over well with the guy, ask yourself if you have an agenda, and if you do, rather just stop yourself in your tracks.

    To sum up, it’s not your bubbly, outgoing nature that makes guys feel turned off, it’s the feeling of being pushed. If you can learn to share yourself, WITHOUT making the guy or the other person responsible for responding in a particular way, if you can learn to just share yourself purely and openly, without expecting anything in return, you will have guys eating out of your hand.

  14.  #14Mandy on March 2, 2017 at 10:52 am


    Oh dear, I’d never tell you to shove off, lol!

    I SEE. Pressure!!!!!! I can’t stand pressure it feels SO icky!

    I understand. See I fall back into my old pressuring ways sometimes.

    I can be VERY pressuring! My therapist told me also givinng to get not only doesn’t work, it’s not fair, it’s like coercion! It goes against someone’s consent.

    A HUGE lesson I’ve learned is if you do not have someone’s express, ENTHUSIASTIC consent, it just isn’t cool. Heck I’ve accidentally breached a man’s non-enthusiastic consent. I felt awful about it.

    THANK YOU for reminding me!!!!!!! <3

  15.  #15Indigo on March 3, 2017 at 7:22 am

    Mandy 🙂 the good news is that when you do have a man’s enthusiastic consent, you won’t even have to think about it. It will just be obvious.

    ie. don’t try so hard 😉

  16.  #16Grace on March 5, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    Mandy – my perspective on having an agenda is that if you OWN it, it can be very sexy and attractive.
    Before I ever even met LD, in our first phone conversation I told him straight up I had an agenda. The fact that I had an agenda didn’t scare him in the least – it turned him on. We didn’t see each other very long the first time around, and it wasn’t because I had an agenda, as far as I can tell we both simply weren’t ready for each other.

    The key is – if the man isn’t on board with your agenda, abort mission! Initiating is fine, the right men will enjoy it! If he doesn’t take the reigns from there then let it go and keep CDing, stay on your horse!

  17.  #17Mandy on March 5, 2017 at 4:57 pm


    Thank you, I appreciate your input and your advice. You see I have a very “black and white” thing in my train of thought. All or nothing. Well, life CAN be that way…or it can be in the gray area…

    It’s the difference between making an executive decision (speaking your boundaries..VERY SIRENY) and just needing time to think about the decision.

    That sounds FABULOUS. None of my CDs are on board with my agenda. I want a man who worships the ground I walk on but yet we have a mutual respect for each other and it would be nothing short of healthy.

    Thanks again 🙂

  18.  #18Grace on March 5, 2017 at 7:31 pm

    Mandy – this also goes back to the subject of this post – why circular date.

    And yes, absolutely not black and white – with him I went purely on my feelings and inner guidance.
    LD wasn’t worshipping the ground I walked on at first, but he went from “I don’t want to lead you on” to “You are under my skin. I love you.” within the space of a few days.

    I had to detach from what I thought I knew and had picked up from dating coaches, detach from my ideals, and feel my way through. I did have more than a few moments of rehearsing “this isn’t what I want” speeches. Speeches that I never gave because like magic every time I would feel determined that this wasn’t what I wanted, without saying a word he would surprise me and come through for me in a whole new way.

    Once the commitment is there, though, it isn’t over because the closeness and commitment bring up triggers as well. The commitment on both sides is what carries us through.

    Today’s big trigger was – arriving at his house and first noticing how dirty the kitchen was, then feeling triggered because he was sorting through an entire garage full of old stuff I didn’t know he had. Fear and old memories of an ex who was a hoarder reared up.

    I sat down and felt into all of what was going on for me, making space for it. First, at the bottom of the “hoarding” trigger were feelings of anger and powerlessness that had very little to do with the present moment. Then rising up – a cluster of beliefs about how LD “should” know certain things, “should” behave certain ways, etc.

    Finally I told him – I’ve been noticing how frequently the kitchen is dirty, and have been asking myself, if this never changes, can I live with it? And I don’t think I can. I feel embarrassed that this is such a big deal for me, but it is. I feel despair, because I would never ask you to change and, I don’t want this to be the end of things.”

    He looked at me and said, “That will change. I can put my dishes in the dishwasher. I don’t act this way when I’m with our family at the house in France, we clean up before we go to bed. I can be more like my sister. I do it there and I can do it here. Done. I can do that, no problem.”

    I just got a text an hour ago, of a sparkling clean kitchen.
    The next text was just one word – “Cherish.”

    It’s a whole other world when the man is fully invested in the relationship working out.
    I will say this, though, LD was already relationship-oriented. He designed his whole new home with an idea that the woman he would eventually share his home with would reside there and decorate to her tastes. He finished up old business with his ex to make space for someone new. He knew he wanted a forever woman, he had learned from his past relationship mistakes and was ready to toss some old behaviors and habits that weren’t working for him.

    I wasn’t an “exception”, I didn’t turn a commitment-phobic player into a committed partner – he already had that in him. I didn’t have to convince him of anything, try to get him to see things my way, beg, plead, none of that business. He was ready and happy to row the boat. He *gets off* on responsibility, it’s in who he is and he doesn’t shy from what he considers a responsibility to caring for our relationship. It brings him joy. 😀

  19.  #19Indigo on March 5, 2017 at 10:32 pm


    What Grace said here:

    “It’s a whole other world when the man is fully invested in the relationship working out.”

    “I wasn’t an “exception”, I didn’t turn a commitment-phobic player into a committed partner – he already had that in him. I didn’t have to convince him of anything, try to get him to see things my way, beg, plead, none of that business. He was ready and happy to row the boat.”

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. It really is a whole other world when the man wants the relationship as much as you do, as much as he should. I really feel the question you should be asking yourself is not, What am I doing to push these guys away? But rather, why do I keep accepting and pining for men who do not want what I want? These men can be very addictive… they’re often sharp, intelligent, gorgeous and a little dangerous. They have a taste for adventure and we think if we can just get them to focus on us long enough, they’ll change. But that’s not how it works.

    For me personally, I realized that I really wanted that type of man for a time in my life, and then it was over, and I was ready for something safer, warmer, cosier. And then J came into my life. All that work I did trying to relax and not pressure and be sireny and be a great, feminine partner paid off because it’s been very valuable in a secure, committed relationship. What I’ve found is that when a man wants to be with you, you can work through your insecurities with him. You can find solutions together (like Grace did). For example, when stressful situations happen in my life, I can suffer from intense anxiety. It doesn’t affect me most of the time, and it’s better than it was, but when something happens which makes me feel temporarily unable to cope, I get these intense anxiety spells and I’m not a nice person to be around when that happens.

    With J’s help, I’ve found a whole new set of tools to help me cope – from physical comfort and reassurance, to herbal remedies, to planning my day and my life out properly to minimise stress. This happened because he cared about me enough, and because I cared enough to be a better partner. With a man who wasn’t invested, he wouldn’t have bothered, he would have just said “See ya,” and I would have felt abandoned and like I had done something wrong etc. etc.

    And exactly what you said – it is not black and white. Every person and every relationship is unique. You have to find your own way.

  20.  #20Mandy on March 5, 2017 at 11:05 pm


    Goodness gracious I cannot tell you how AMAZED I am by the resounding feeling I have with what you have said to me. I resonate with it so much I feel like one of those “singing bowls” made out of crystal – and I am resounding loudly from being “stirred” (like the singing bowls are made to do.)

    “sharp, intelligent, gorgeous and a little dangerous (yes and also perhaps do not take care of themselves…). They have a taste for adventure”. Yes indeed! Only problem is it can be the manipulative kind who feed off of good women and their giving nature.

    Here’s to ditching that noise and having a cosier warmer more intimate person to be involved with. Sheesh.


  21.  #21Nadia on March 7, 2017 at 11:36 am

    Hi community,

    I had 5 guys in rotation and all 5 dissapeared out of rotation and it feels awful. I removed one because he was semi available and not able to prioritize me. How do you manage to have full time jobs and keep the rotation full. I am finding this to be a full time job in itself and it feels tedious and frustrating and lonely? Anybody out there willing to give some motivation and support

    Love Nadia

  22.  #22Rori Raye on March 7, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    Nadia! I received your email and wrote you back personally – the whole thing hinges on one thing: how you go about it emotionally. What you learned from those 5 men is what’s important here. The towering amazingness of Circular dating is that we LEARN – and then the men start to get better. We learn to pay attention to ourselves, our sensations, our feelings. We learn to SPEAK those out loud, using Feeling Messages. We learn to LISTEN To Him. We learn how we think, how we make meaning of things, how we “be.” And as we really investigate that, learn to soften up everything – everything gets better. Also – let me recommend the Business Siren’s Handbook over at BusinessSiren.com for any of you who work not just as a “job” – but because you actually want to make good money and succeed out in the world doing something you at least LIKE (love would be great…). We tend to believe, because that’s what we’ve been taught, that we can’t have both love and work. That somehow, one would damage the other. That’s why I created Business Siren, so we could all learn how to live a “soft” life, still “get stuff done,” and still have the man and love we want. Love, Rori

  23.  #23Annie on March 7, 2017 at 9:29 pm

    So I’m just starting to practice circular dating, and the mantra…and I had a date tonight…and even though I felt there wasn’t much ‘potential’ there when we spoke on the phone, he called again and asked me to dinner a few days out, so I said “yes”, and I told myself on the way there…”be surprised”…don’t have expectations…”be surprised”.

    Well, I was surprised – when he asked me to split the check!

    (And money is *not* an issue for him, he has plenty.)

    (Just had to share that somewhere that I knew folks would understand! 🙂 )

  24.  #24Rori Raye on March 8, 2017 at 9:01 am

    Annie – do you know the protocol for that? This is actually an amazing opportunity for you to communicate with a man!!! Many men feel they have to offer to split the check because otherwise they’ll offend an independent woman!!! OR – if the date’s a clear total failure, it’s their way of wrapping that up into the “friend zone” – Really – this is where you say…wow — ” I get how this might seem like a split if I were one of those women who always wanted to take care of her part, but I feel weird. I would feel happy with a hot dog, or a free walk in the park as a get-to-know date – and here, I felt invited to dinner. So I want to let you know that I don’t feel good about paying for half of anything during the dating process that I’m invited to. That’s what feels romantic to me. What do you think? If you had no interest in being with him- then use it as practice! You’ll be amazed at how things open up! Also – You’ll get used to tlking about this beforehand – so they know what’s going to happen. Dinner isn’t a good first date when you’re just meeting – a free walk, coffee – much better idea…You can make your feelings known at the beginning! Love, Rori

  25.  #25mary on April 2, 2017 at 9:28 pm

    Hello Rori,

    I’m so interested in this comment to Annie! How do you talk about the guy paying – up front – so that it sets his expectations for future dates? And how do you feel okay letting him pay, date after date? I just have such a hard time with this idea. It feels difficult to me. I almost don’t even want to go on a date because it feels so awful. I believe this very thing is stopping me from starting to date again.

    And here’s why it’s so difficult. Because I don’t plan to “give in…” For me, sexuality is just something super special and I don’t want a man who is not my husband walking around in his bathrobe in my house. That just doesn’t feel good to me. So, if I know I’m not gonna sleep with a guy, (let’s say until we’re engaged, or married) and if I know he might not be the right guy for me, it seems wrong to take his money by dating him and letting him pay, even though it would be good therapy and practice for me. Even if I’m giving him a beautiful evening by asking about him, smiling at him, giving him my company, etc.

    Can you please help me with this? I’ve been trying to work with it for years… but I never can tip myself over to feeling okay about it.


  26.  #26mary on April 2, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    Hello Annie and Rori,

    I understand how – if you really like a guy – it makes sense to expect him to pay. Because it really does change the dynamic to “just friends” if you both pay…

    I looked back in my emails and found an email that I sent to the guy I dated for five years. It was the first email I ever sent him, and he loved it. On that date, on the way home, as he was saying goodbye, he told me to call him, and I believe he had been wanting me to split the check with him, too… but I didn’t, even though I didn’t feel good about it. I wrote him this as a “thank you” for the first date… he took me out on his tour boat and we actually saw a guy on shore who went with us to get some prawns, and then we went to that guy’s house and cooked them… it was a perfect night… and it was free…

    (And maybe I’m answering my own question here, but I don’t think so, because this was a guy I knew I really liked! My question is – what to do about those guys that I know I don’t like? Do I continue to go out with them and let them pay for dates, knowing that they will never get anywhere with me? Or what…? It doesn’t seem clear to me… it seems unfair to the guy… it seems like leading him on… and taking money from him…)

    Anyway, here’s the end of an email that worked for me… with the guy I really liked…

    “i feel most comfortable with a man who doesn’t want me to act like a man.
    i feel flirty and alive and carefree and sexy when i act like a woman.

    i felt flirty and alive and carefree and sexy with you on our special date.
    what an amazing night! it was an enchanted evening.
    you were in charge of everything and you did it so well!

    you were ONE with the water.
    you were so capable and at ease with the boat, with other people and with women in particular.
    very intriguing.

    i loved the time with you.

    i do not need a lot of money spent.
    i do not need to be entertained with things and events.
    i’m into simplicity.

    i like a man who calls me and doesn’t constantly ask me to call him and test me in that way.
    i like a man who makes plans and asks me if i want to do them with him.

    i like a man who takes care of himself:

    i enjoyed your company and would like to spend more time with you when i get home.
    family is calling… and i’m so excited to be going!

    love and kisses,