Why Circular Dating Is Not A Risk

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locketOkay – I’ve heard this SO many times: He does “all that” – the integrating of his life with yours, calling you his girlfriend, giving you a good amount of time and energy, the calling…and then at 8 to 10 months – or a year and 1/2 – he fades.

You discover he’s discovered he’s now not sure, his job has changed (or he’s lost it) – he wants to travel, the ex girlfriend or ex wife has re-contacted him.

This seems to be a pattern with some of us women – we miss the red flags.

We peg this as “our” insecurity. We feel like “we’re the problem.

The last thing we think is that: “Something’s wrong.”

I’ve heard of men fading out even after a woman’s pregnant or had a baby…

Yes, you can always “walk away” – but once you’re invested in an exclusive relationship – there’s another long period of time that just feels “lost.” Even if it wasn’t lost, but a valuable lesson – it still feels disheartening.

I’ve even seen a woman GET a RING – but no wedding date. And then he just stalls and stalls and becomes a worse and worse boyfriend as he realizes he’s either not “cut out for this” – or she’s not really “Ms. Right.”

Circular Dating doesn’t have to be “openly dating” other men.

It can be flirting.

It can be going to classes, doing the things in public that you used to do when you were more open to meeting new men.

It can simply mean continuing to be where men are.

I’ve been asked: What would you do if a man you were with started openly dating other women because you weren’t sure if you wanted to marry him after 6 months?

Honestly – it would make me think faster.

I’d certainly not feel like I had some right to his exclusivity if it was ME on the fence.

Now – if he NEVER stopped dating other women as we approached the 3, 4  month mark…I’d assume we’d discussed exclusivity and that I’d shared my view: That I need to know marriage is on the table before I’d give up my independence and shut down my “options” …and to let me know when it was “on the table”!

Everyone’s uncertain!

No one enters into marriage lightly! 

And yet – the process has to be just that – a process.

And you have to keep talking. 

If I’m not sure I want to marry him because I’m not sure I’m Number One with him…than I’d say so.

And if he said he needed my exclusivity in order to stop dating other women, then I’d say – I insist on sexual exclusivity, but until he knows that what he wants is me – I’ll keep my options open.

So – does this require my knowing that I’ll say Yes if he DOES propose?

Seems reasonable. Seems like I’m in the driver’s seat here.

Not a bad place to be.

Nothing’s ever totally risk-free – but the moment we close down our options in men and start staring the ONE man we’re now spending time with (and commitment free!) in the face 100% of the time we spend with a man – that’s when things get dicey emotionally.

Only the coolest of women can withstand the pressure of that without accumulating feelings of insecurity and doubt.

Only a woman who KNOWS a man is “hers” can stay cool.

Circular Dating doesn’t cause risk – it LIMITS risk. It reduces it.

Love, Rori

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588 Comments

  1.  #1Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Hi, from the previous thread:

    @ Linda – wow, it sounds like we were dating the same man!!

    Weirdly, I am not feeling better but worse! I still ache for him inside. I love him still and just hope I can stay away from him.

    I just keep making loads of excuses for him in my head. I keep thinking of the good times we had a someone to cuddle at night and feel extremely connected with. Lol, I will miss that!

    Arrrgghhh, so hard…

    He’s told my friend that he’s not going to contact me again. I feel a mess..



  2.  #2Karol on August 11, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Hi Rori

    I didn’t get the “No one enters into marriage lightly! “!!



  3.  #3Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Wow. As you know, I love Circular Dating. From initially being resistant to it – since we’re raised with the notion that if we’re interested in a man, or think we’re “in love” with him, that means not giving any other man the time of day – I have now been through the full spectrum of being in love with a man, whilst continuing to date other men and not shut down my options.

    And I can see why Circular Dating is so powerful. It makes you attractive and keeps you sane, and keeps your confidence up. And I look at other women who get hung up on a man, and beat themselves up and allow their confidence to drop, and I just want to shake them and say “Circular date!”

    With Circular Dating, you literally never focus on a man who isn’t in front of you, and it relieves you of any feeling of being responsible for him. Circular Dating has shown me where so many emotional “urgencies” exist within me, and I am grateful for that. I continue to do what feels good and right for me, and I notice what doesn’t.



  4.  #4prplpsn28 on August 11, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Bad, bad day! I can’t do this! I just can’t! And cding, any kind of dating…yuck! Just yuck!



  5.  #5Kim on August 11, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Yay, this post was TIMELY!!!
    No exclusivity until marriage is on the table. Hell, yes!



  6.  #6Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I had a good weekend.

    My friend who was organizing for us to go to the concert on Saturday night flaked out on me… I was disappointed in her.

    I watched a movie with Dean and drank wine on Friday night – which was an unexpected surprise as he had told me he was going to be busy with something else, which was fine as I had work to do. But, much to my surprise, he came over and watched a movie with me instead. That felt good.

    And, when my concert fell through, that ended up being my back up plan on Saturday night too. D and I had something of a heated discussion on Saturday morning, but by that night it had simmered down. I decided to just share with him simply and honestly, and briefly, how I felt, and it was all fine.

    Yesterday BM texted me and asked me if I wanted to go and see a movie, which was a tentative plan that we had made… and we went and had coffee, then saw the most delightful movie in a cinema that had super-comfy chairs, and afterwards went out for dinner. I had such a delightful time. We laughed and giggled the whole time and he paid for everything (he let me get the popcorn but paid for everything else) and I just loved his company. I felt light and girly and it was good. And he texted me to see if I got home safely and to thank me for a great time, which felt sweet.



  7.  #7Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Ooh oops, watched a movie with D! Don’t think I’ve ever used his full name on here before!



  8.  #8Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I can’t thank you enough for that post by Valarie O’ Ryan on matching a man’s energy. It really helped me this weekend.

    I read through some of my old Skype conversations and cringed. LOL.



  9.  #9Azure Blu on August 11, 2014 at 10:43 am

    (((Kim))) #177
    welllll… it does pay to take a look at fb now and again…
    ;-(
    I’ve noticed sometimes when I have gotten really emotionally close with my cd (as in a weekend with friends and family) especially in the beginning…
    there seems to be a need for space…

    And as you mentioned… He is have more and more feelings for you
    and is soooo concerned about HIS HEART!!!
    Rori says: Men will do crazy things to protect their heart!



  10.  #10Azure Blu on August 11, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Indigo #6…
    Sighhhh… You and BM are sounding very yummie!!
    how fun!!!
    :*>



  11.  #11Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Thanks Azure Blu, very fun and yummy indeed! 🙂



  12.  #12Kim on August 11, 2014 at 10:55 am

    Wow Indigo is rocking the CDing.
    How inspiring, and how many good things are coming your way!
    I feel inspired…



  13.  #13Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Azure Blu, oh yes, I had not thought about the heart protecting. Maybe I am too busy protectig my own right now.

    What is so odd is that mostly, I don’t even care when he chats with other girls and even this fb crap is kinda washi over me. I have no idea why, whether I just don’t care for him that much (that would be cool lol), or whether I feel like he is just doing this to relieve the pressure, and I feel him actually quite committed to me…how odd.

    Let’s face it, he paraded me proudly to him mother and father, and stepfather….and he hasn’t even asked me to be his gf or anything yet lol. How bizarre. I got on like a house on fire with his Mom but especially with his Dad, such a lovely respectful ex police officer and a little shy/ emotionally closed. By the end it felt like it was his Dad and I having a great time and wildchild was just kinda tolerated hahaha.

    I did see a great gesture which really warmed my heart, having a somewhat closed father too. Wildchild actually initiated a hug with his Dad (who was just going to shake his hand), and as he left, told him twice that he loved him. His Dad just looked awkward and mumbled ‘me too’….lol..but I think a great gesture from kiddo. He is a good boy.

    Although he fretted a bit beforehand and got changed and needed to go through this whole routine to be presentable for his Dad. At almost 40 it struck me as odd not being able to be himself…anyhow.

    So I got paraded to the mother, the father and pretty much all of the friends…he talked about family, marriage and bla bla.

    I feel secure that if I was all in, this would go somewhere, but I do know the limitations of it and I do know I might feel insecure with such a flirty man, who gies on vacations with other single girls and so on.

    This is all about me and my heart.
    And he knows. And he doesn’t seem to like that bit. The bit that I can seemingly pick and choose and might choose another man…

    Right?



  14.  #14Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Sorry for the ipad typos. Ugh.



  15.  #15Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 11:14 am

    @ Indigo

    Hi – I feel a lurching in my stomach hearing that you have dropped your own plans for D.

    This is a trigger to me. I realise I totally lack confidence just to “be” with a man.

    I am so scared of being “stuck” in a situation where I am being belittled and controlled by a man.

    Breathe Waterfall…

    I am feeling so judgmental of men right at this moment. Like aren’t there any good men out there?!

    Do they all end up being controlling, manipulative and childish little mummies boys?!

    Oh, do I pick up and carry on?! What if I get stuck in the same loop??

    I realised today that I need to have the courage to address ‘issues’ that arise at the time. And not simply smiling and pretending that everything is okay. But I am so scared of confrontation.

    With D it was like a battleground. He would stand there like a sulky child until I gave him. If I walked away he would chase me.

    He would always try and win me over with humour and affection and I would always end up giving in. I feel of ashamed of myself now…



  16.  #16Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 11:16 am

    He always knew how to ‘win me over’ it was like hypnosis. He was soooo persuasive, I felt I could not fight it…



  17.  #17Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 11:19 am

    @ Kim

    Do you have any other CDs in your rota?



  18.  #18Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Kim,

    Thanks 🙂 For me, it’s simply about choosing what feels good. And when you choose the thought, feeling, decision, activity that is going to feel good to you, life generally feels good. For me, it is almost that simple.

    Re: wild child. I think most guys do not like the thought of us dating other men. D doesn’t like it one bit, and can get terribly sulky and upset if it slips out that I’ve gone on a date. So, I don’t mention it to him. Even though he’s fully aware that it’s my prerogative and that I *do* go on dates, I think he prefers not to think about it, and I entertain this and keep any mention of other guys out of the conversation, because I don’t want to hurt him.

    Do you think this might help with wild child? Kind of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’?



  19.  #19Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Waterfall..yup. Plenty. And unchecked internet dating account with 40 messages…lol.
    I have a date with a CD from a while ago tomorrow…he is happy like a child that I made time for him 🙂

    I do like wildchild but I am far from getting stuck on him which is why I feel relaxed right now.



  20.  #20Olympia on August 11, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I know that leaning back and circular dating is supposed to give women a sense of control rather than feeling like we are at the whims of the man we are with, but I still feel at the mercy of the man in front of me.

    In the spirit of circular dating, I accepted a weekend trip with a longtime male friend up to his house in Canada, since I had never gotten the chance to visit in the few years he has lived up there. It was wonderful, even romantic feeling. We ate at cute little restaurants, took in the sights, went for a bike ride, even watched the sunset, but he never made a move! I was leaning back soooo much, I felt like my body was this open invitation to him and yet we left with not so much of a kiss. He would put his arm around me, hug me, but to me I felt like he had the control since I desired a kiss from him so much, to know that I wasn’t imagining things!

    I do feel open to letting what happens, happen, but maybe I’m not doing it right?

    The upside to circular dating is that I don’t have *too* much time to worry about it, because I have dinner tomorrow with a yummy professor! 😀



  21.  #21Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Indigo…I don’t mention it to him until he asks. He will ask, for example, what I am doing. So being honest I moght say I am going for dinner.. He will then dig wheter I am going for dinner with a boy or a girl.
    And then he knows.
    I don’t see the point in being dishonest. Also, he has not offered me a commitment. Plus, I have explained to him that I am keeping my options open and that I do not want to hear any complaints about that by a man who:
    -still lives with the ex
    -goes on vacation with other women
    -hides his phone and untags himself from a common picture someone posted of us on fb, looking like a couple

    He is clearly doing the same, even if he might not physically be seeing others right this minute.

    I don’t have to protect him as far as i am concerned, and I don’t rub it into his face..



  22.  #22Olympia on August 11, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Kim and Indigo….your stories about CDing feel inspirational!

    ((Waterfall))



  23.  #23Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Waterfall,

    Thanks, but I didn’t actually have plans. I had work to do that had to be done at some stage, but by no means was it plans, and watching a movie felt much better 🙂 In terms of the concert I was very excited about going but my friend dropped me at the last minute, so D was a back-up plan, I didn’t drop my plans for him. I feel touched by your concern, but I would never drop plans that I’d already made in order to hang out with D. Never.

    The way I see it being controlled and manipulated by a man does require enabling behavior on your part, and if you can trust yourself to be strong enough, this should not hold much fear for you…



  24.  #24Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 11:31 am

    @Kim – I’m full of inspired feelings reading that you have a date with another CD.

    Wildchild CD sounds draining to be around. Hope this new CD makes you feel appreciated a bit more.

    I a nervous to get back out there again. I am scared of intense feeling bubbling up. I know I have got too invested in D.



  25.  #25Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:33 am

    The other thing is indigo, I believe that a man knkws exactly what to do to stop us from dating other men….and this is why they grumble about it.
    Why is D not claiming you if he doesn’t like you dating others?
    I wouldn’t hide a damn thing anymore. That is not the same as rubbing it into someone’s face, and that I would not do.
    At the same time I make no secret of it….and a man who wants me and wants to stop me dating others, well he has the option of rising to the occasion.
    I don’t feel it is my responsibility to respect his feelings, of he makes the choice not to step up?
    I am not mother theresa.



  26.  #26Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Kim 21,

    Understood! And agree!

    D does the same thing. The first question he always asks when I say I’ve done something is “who did you go with?”

    I’m afraid I chicken out and lie :/ Not because I don’t have a right to date, but just purely to avoid hurting him.



  27.  #27Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:35 am

    ‘To protect his feelings if he is not ready to step up’ . Damn ipad fingers!! Lol

    Surely, it’s the man’s problem if he gets his fee fees hurt by being uncomittal, and not my problem?



  28.  #28Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Kim 25,

    Agree completely.



  29.  #29Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:38 am

    26. Indigo, yeah, I don’t get that.
    Why are you protecting him and robbing him of the opportunity to have the full picture and be inspired to step up or run?
    This sounds like egg shells.
    I used to ‘protect’ MrP like that.
    Now, I don’t give a rats arse, he never proteted me from getting hurt by not committing either.
    I tell him also if he asks, that I am dating men and even the details if he wants to know.
    No more eggshells.
    No more protecting.
    It feels so much better to look out for number 1.



  30.  #30Kim on August 11, 2014 at 11:39 am

    I have totally lost the fear of losing a man.

    Not sure this is a good or bad thing. What do you Ladies think?

    Sometimes I think I have gone too far the other way?



  31.  #31Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Yeah Kim, I get what you are saying completely, yet for me it’s not walking on eggshells. It’s just the way that I am. I am not remotely afraid of losing him – he has known in the past when I have been in shorter dating relationships with other guys.

    It’s just a personal preference I guess. I’m just private about the various sections of my life. I know that D is somewhat emotionally unavailable and that there is nothing I can do about that, only he can, and I am accepting of the status quo. To me, he is just one section of my life and for the rest, I just get on with it and have fun. I guess, for me, I just don’t feel the need to share it with him.



  32.  #32Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    @ Kim

    My feelings are that you are not frightened of losing a man,because you trust yourself enough that you can never loose the right man.

    What do you think?



  33.  #33Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    @ Indigo

    Regarding not telling D you are dating other men. I did the same thing and realised until I was prepared to own up about it I wasn’t going to do it as I felt so confused and feelings of deceit which I didn’t like to carry around with me.



  34.  #34Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Ok Indigo. Yep. i just got fed up dating emotionally unavailables, and getting stuck on them. Truly.
    As soon as I notice them now, either I just keep them in my rotation because they are fun (rarely), or I just find other CD’s who seemingly want the same things as me which is a committed relationship leading to marriage.
    I found life a lot easier that way, and even then they still sometimes seem to be on the commitment shy side.
    I like your atttitude, but I know that if I was feeling something for a guy who would send me those signals, I would end up so sad, so I try to weed those guys out now.
    For the longest time I have kept MrP in my rotation but it just after a few dates ends up feeling awkward because he wants to have his cake and eat it and I just lost respect for that and feel turned off now, no matter how much fun our dates used to be.
    I freed up the space.



  35.  #35Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    32 Waterfall, maybe that’s it!
    That felt good to read. I will look at it that way 🙂



  36.  #36Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    I guess also, I dated so much and have been single for quite a long time…men come and go and it just stops being such a big deal.
    It really does, because you know you will get over it.
    There is the danger of ‘overdoing’ it and never settling maybe?

    I have great chemistry with wildchild, everything feels sooo good and I love the way he looks at me….and honestly, if I was dwelling on that, and out cuddling and sweetness, I could easily get stuck and daydream and think he was the be all and end all.
    I just don’t. I relax and see what happens. I know chemistry is just nice and we can have it with others.
    I am kind of bored being ruled by our animal instinct…lol.
    It’s nice and nothing more.



  37.  #37Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Kim 34,

    Yeah 😀 I like your attitude too

    “As soon as I notice them now, either I just keep them in my rotation because they are fun”

    This is what I’m doing. D is a very great deal of fun. I love our time together. The happiness I get out of spending time with him is immense. And for the most part, once it’s over, I just put him back in his little D box on the shelf and get on with other things in my life.

    I don’t feel ready to settle down yet which probably helps 😀



  38.  #38Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Indigo, yes, that does help immensely…after 7 years of dating, I am ready to find my one and only and not mess about with those elusive types anymore.

    So what would you do if he asked you for an exclusive committed relationship or even marriage then? Do you think maybe right now you are also emotionally a little unavailable, and this arrangement suits you for that reason?

    Cause I honestly always tried to do this fun and shelf and box thing, but after a while I get way too frustrated when a man is not stepping up and it stops being fun…or when I see them chasing others..that’s when I usually drop them cold.



  39.  #39Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    Especially when physical intimacy is involved…after a while I do get attached even though it takes quite some time for me, maybe a couple of months of seeing someone regularly and waking up with them…hm.

    I am also always puzzled by men’s motives to pick me. Wildchild tells me he picked me because he liked me as soon as he laid eyes on me and he likes the way I cuddle and our bodies fit together…and how I am feminine and soft and petite and most of his other gf’s were taller, louder, more harsh and masculine.

    So when I analyze his picker…I have to conclude there must be millions of petite women who feel nice to cuddle..uhmm…huh?

    When I pick a man, it’s about connection, talking, interests, how I feel around him and how he carries himself. If I made it reliant on (what I like) blue eyes, blonde hair and a nice body…heck, I would be dating the United Nations, and worse, I probably would never find a guy on my wavelength.

    I always wonder if it is all about attraction for men and the physical, then surely, there are always prettier, slimmer, cuter women out there.
    I feel better getting picked for my character.
    MoM picked me for my character and looks…that felt better to me, well he never stepped up which is another story. LOL



  40.  #40Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Kim,

    “Do you think maybe right now you are also emotionally a little unavailable, and this arrangement suits you for that reason?”

    Yes absolutely, I do. I think I am a bit emotionally unavailable, and I have mentioned on here before that I am extremely picky about who I let close to my heart. There is a part of me that knows that I still have a bit of a road to travel before I settle down with my one and only, and that is always in the back of my mind. I have had to come face to face with the fact that this lifestyle does work for me to an extent. It is giving me the space to figure quite a lot of things out, to get settled with my work and career and with a lot of personal growth stuff.

    If D were to propose to me tomorrow, to be honest I think I love him enough that I would accept. However, the authentic, honest part of me knows that we have a long road to travel before we would be ready for that and my needs and requirements and desires form a part of that. I also know within myself that it won’t happen. If D proposed it would be because he has already overcome the obstacles inside himself, and then the things which were an issue wouldn’t be an issue any more.

    I feel as if I’m a realist. I notice how I am opening up more and more on this journey and overcoming my own issues… and that is what I am focusing on. And that is very heartening for me to see 🙂 I believe that once I am ready, my right man will appear.



  41.  #41Waterfall on August 11, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    @ Kim

    I feel so in-tune with what you are talking about Kim.

    D used to say very similar things to me about why he thought I was ‘the one’! Lol, I felt like laughing out loud!

    Seriously, there is nothing different or special about me. He describes me as nice: Well there are dozens of girls out there who are nice. He describes me as very sociable and good at organising get-togethers. Like… Ummm… Is that it?? Oh, and he keeps telling me how be ‘still’ fancies me.

    Luck ol’ me, hey..

    Well, something doesn’t ring true…

    See ya! Next one pleeeeaaaassseee!



  42.  #42Dominique on August 11, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Olympia – 20 – Sounds from this that you were harboring expectations or hopes which is much the same thing. And this can be felt. He has his own time line which may be very different from yours, most men’s are. To truly be an invitation, you need to also feel open and curious to whatever happens and enjoying what he brings to you, maybe more so than what you thought you were wanting. And when he DOES fulfill a desire, LET HIM KNOW. Melt, smile, say how much you loved…..or how good……felt.

    And you get to choose every step of the way. If he’s not stepping up in ways you want over a period of time, the length of which only you can determine, if you can’t love and accept him as he is right now even if nothing changes, you get to say bye bye at any time.

    xxoo



  43.  #43Femininewoman on August 11, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Kim you seem to be on a roll

    Prplpsn – how’s that working for you?



  44.  #44Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Yeah, waterfall…hmmmm..or maybe men just can’t pin down exactly why they fall for one person as opposed to another.
    I guess for women it might be more of a brain decision and for men more a feeling (or other parts..lol) decision at first?

    Anyhow, Indigo that all sounds like great awareness there, also makes me feel a little sad. I can’t explain as to why. In a kind of ‘people, issues,woulda, coulda, shoulda’ thing. I had a few of those.

    As long as we stay on the old horse, it’s all good I guess..



  45.  #45Kim on August 11, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    FW – LOL. I am unsure as to whether I am on a roll or just realistic, pragmatic and moving on with my life.

    Maybe all of the above.

    I do wish I would have found my man already, but deep down I feel it is going to take a while yet, and that’s all good, but slightly tiring too… 😉



  46.  #46Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    Olympia,

    🙂



  47.  #47Indigo on August 11, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Kim,

    I guess it’s my lack of sadness about the whole thing which is how I know I’m in the right place at the right time.

    I don’t feel sad. I feel sure everything is unfolding just as it’s meant to.



  48.  #48Kim on August 11, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Indigo…that is a great place to be.

    With men, I feel the same.

    The rest of my life needs some tweaking, however 😉



  49.  #49Dominique on August 11, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Kim – 45 – And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. Many don’t come together with their forever loves until later in life. And this includes me.

    xxoo



  50.  #50Kim on August 11, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Dominique ❤️❤️
    You give me hope.

    Although, I am starting to get bored a bit. Maybe I should just get a dog lol.
    This dating lark, negotiating and stuff just gets a bit old from time to time.

    Sigh.



  51.  #51IamHis on August 11, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    I feel unsure. I put up a new pic on Tinder. It got 44 likes and a lot of guys talking to me that hadn’t talked to me until I put the pic up.

    I feel kinda annoyed with how “visual” men are…

    I tried Feminine Woman’s Virginia Clark energy thing and feel surprised that it actually worked!

    Two guys want to meet me.

    Can someone please empathize with me when I say that I feel so hesitant and terrified, even though I find them cute and interesting?



  52.  #52IamHis on August 11, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    also, I have like 200 Tinder matches, and only 50 of them talked to me first.

    You’re supposed to “lean back” online as well, am I correct?

    I feel so…?



  53.  #53Kim on August 11, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    Ok Iamhis..what has helped me with starting off the dating lark was to think of it as just meeting a person, for a conversation. Not so much a ‘date’. To have a couple of drinks, maybe a meal and expect nothing but pleasant conversation.
    I know how you feel. When I started CDing, in a (to me) foreign country, this strange concept, I was also terrified and hesitant…but thinking of it as just meeting a human and have zero expectations helped me a lot. ❤️



  54.  #54A.A. on August 11, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Okay. Off topic again and I’m sorry for not giving back any input. But honestly with my absolute lack of experience, I’d say my opinion or support wouldn’t be very helpful….

    But I’m driving myself crazy!

    I got into a slump. I got depressed. Over several things, but the guy/friend/co-worker not seeming to show interest in me is one of them.

    But then…

    First, I decided to take an extra long shift at work and for doing so, since it helped him out, he offered to buy me dinner for it (but it just turned into buying something quick at Checkers and him driving me home).

    Then today…

    He’s on break, I’m done for the day. We’re taking about nonsense, nothing special. Then he gets up and leaves cause he’s done. Then he comes back and tells me he’s going to the store next store and to smoke a cigarette. Nothing else.

    I got the impression he was offering me to go with him. After a bit, I did get up and started to head in that direction, but I was still feeling sad and suddenly felt self conscious. Maybe I was chasing. So I go back. When he returns, he barely looks me in the eye and answers a question I asked him in a low voice as if something was bothering him…

    Did I mess up? I’m soooo confused. Is he waiting on me to make the move or something? I just don’t know and it’s driving me nuts.

    Is there any way for me to just text or call him and just get a straight answer without messing it up with him? Cause I can’t take it anymore damnit..



  55.  #55Mandy on August 11, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Just going back to the previous thread and inter-mingling it with this one…I explained how I have a Thyroid issue, overactive, too much energy, and how this can come off as needy or annoying, especially to my guy in particular. He hates it when someone is like a cheerleader in the morning and needs at least an hour to wake up, and there I am saluting the sun and rattling off thoughts instantaneously.

    Can anyone please fill me in on how to not close off, but how to dial it back, as it were? When I was in therapy with a private therapist, she always told me when I got angry as a teenager not to close off because it’s not fair because she was being open and so was my mom when we were trying to work something out. I know what both are, but I can’t seem to feel the middle ground out yet.

    I really need to riff in the bathtub, but I feel like I have so much energy I could run a mile…I think I will run then riff…I’ll try at least, even though I’ve felt unsuccessful, with all this energy…it really gets in the way of the melty feeling, it really does.



  56.  #56Kim on August 11, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    Eh, I wrote this whole document about the moving in issue and dating etc….and now I am deciding not to send it to wildchild, as I haven’t even heard from him after he dropped me off yesterday.
    It felt good to just get it out.
    I am not going to jump the gun.
    I am going to relax and go for a walk instead.



  57.  #57A.A. on August 11, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Mandy: I have a whoole lot of energy too and don’t need a whole lot of sleep.

    Meditation really helps me slow down and focus or just being present. Rori’s Tools definitely helped. Have you tried them? Have the’ve helped?



  58.  #58IamHis on August 11, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Thanks, Kim! That helps. 🙂



  59.  #59IamHis on August 11, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    (((A.A.))) – I don’t know your whole situation at all. My advice would be to take your focus off this coworker and put it back on yourself. How are you feeling? What can you do to distract yourself from him while you’re at work? I know crushing on a coworker is soo hard, but zooming in on his every little action is exhausting and fruitless and is making you crazy! Why not do something for YOU that feels great?



  60.  #60Liquid Light on August 11, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Uh-oh, this is the sweet message I got from Architect. His invite sounds so appealing and I kind of want to go but part of me thinks its too early to be over at his house. But it would be so nice to be in his beautiful home and have a smart, attractive man cook for me! He’s got great taste and I’m sure some delicious wine would be involved. Arghhh!!! Also he’s definitely made it known about his attraction to me and I’m worried where it might go if we are alone together. Ladies, any thoughts??? What should I do??? Help!!! This is the kinda stuff that makes me really uncomfortable!

    His message:
    I promised to cook you a pescatarian (sp?) dinner so how would Sunday evening work? I would offer Saturday but I have to entertain my new in-laws that night and Fridays I’m too tired to shop and cook. If not Sunday what works for you?



  61.  #61Liquid Light on August 11, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Just hitting me: my ex was an architect and he used to have me over to his beautiful house and cook me great food and we’d drink yummy wine. I miss that. Maybe I’m just trying to relive my last relationship??? ARgghhh!!!



  62.  #62Dixie on August 11, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Kim #38 and Indigo #40

    “Do you think maybe right now you are also emotionally a little unavailable, and this arrangement suits you for that reason?”

    Kim, I felt goosebumps reading this question, and Indigo, even more so when reading your so very truthful response. Thank you so, so much for being so open here.

    Kim, your question applied to my situation so much, and Indigo, your response felt like it could have been written from my own heart. Indigo, everything you wrote in your response resonated with me on such a deep level.

    I’m learning so much from these boards, and I’m so grateful.



  63.  #63A.A. on August 11, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    IamHis:

    Yeah, I probably should.

    But it’s so tempting just to…get some sort of closure. Like just be direct and ask, “Do you like me or not? Wanna date or not? Are you waiting for me to do something or what?”

    We’ve done some stuff, but it was only twice and then it’s been nothing since then. I mean nothing solid, and I’ve done my best not do any chasing or use any masculine energy — stopped texting him, etc, the whole shebang.

    But it would be so much easier to think about myself and what I want to do if i just had this nagging question answered. I don’t even care if it’s a “no.” It’s better than having it up in the air.

    (Heh, or maybe its not up in the air at all. Maybe the fact he hasn’t stepped up is clear message enough).

    By the way, I’m envious of ALL of you sirens. Even if you’ve loved and lost and are struggling. I still wish I was you.

    I haven’t had a single real, physical relationship that lasted more than a few days. I don’t even know what they’re like or what the rules are or how they work or anything. …And I’m 28 :-p



  64.  #64Kim on August 11, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Oh, well, wildchild hasn’t contacted me at all today, which never happened. He used to text me at least twice a day, multiple times.
    He was already cool last night, and this is now a complete withdrawal of someone who is on his phone, facebook and emails 24/7…literallly is impossible to separate him from his phone.
    Eh.
    Withdrawing is boring…lol.
    Feels pointless at this time also.
    I have a date with another CD tomorrow.
    Maybe wildchild is already at the end of it.
    Feels a little sad but maybe actually a good thing.



  65.  #65Kyla on August 11, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Mandy I posted on the last thread before I saw this one 🙂



  66.  #66Millie on August 11, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    I wish I actually could circular date. I go out a lot, I flirt, I talk, I have fun, I’m open, but I still don’t feel 100% happy with myself.

    For one thing, the no contact with Mechanic is just not going to work. I can NOT initiate contact, but there is going to be contact. Previously I said I was going to stop going to events he will be at, but that would mean avoiding everyone else too, and I don’t want to do that! I wish I could just TELL him everything I’m feeling, but I feel like I’d only embarrass myself and give him the complete upper hand over me. He told me that if the woman that was staying with him, lived here, he’d make her his gf. However, apparently she has a bf and wasn’t honest about it, so he cut her out of his life. It stung to hear that, and I wish I had the guts to tell him so, but I know I’ll just sound like a crazy obsessed woman. He’s a player type, so my friend says, the less attention I give him, the better. In fact, I should ignore him. Ugh, I understand the whole game playing thing, but I’m terrible at it.

    I just wish I had CDs or other men interested in me so I wouldn’t focus on him at all. I wish he didn’t trigger me at all. I wish I could just be super honest. What would super honest even sound like? I don’t know, I feel like everything I’d say is wrong, it’d be blamey or needy……ugh. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel at all.



  67.  #67Kyla on August 11, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    LL – his new in-laws? Am I missing something there? As to going to his house for dinner, go if you think you can relax and enjoy having him cook for you or tell him it feels too soon for you and you would feel so much more relaxed in a less intimate setting. Your comfort should be his priority 🙂



  68.  #68Kyla on August 11, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Millie are you online dating? Its a great way to meet men outside you circle. If it were me I’d start setting up as many short, light-hearted coffee and happy hour dates a week as my schedule would allow to get me chatting with as many different types of men as possible, practice using feeling messages and expressing my dreams/needs/desires to really shake things up and get me asking myself the important questions that will get me out of my current rut and moving towards what I desire. I sincerely apologize if I’m offensive but you have been hung up on mechanic for half a year without getting anything romantically from him and those feelings are going to linger until you can find a way to drop him from your attention and allow romance to enter your life. I want to hug you and banish him from your mind. Open up your options in every single way possible, step out of your comfort zone and avoiding being were he is while you do this, even if you only set aside 30 days of no contact, will help so so much. Much love to you xoxo



  69.  #69Millie on August 11, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Kyla–

    Oh it has been more than half a year I hate to admit. No, you don’t offend me at all, I wish I could banish him from my thoughts as well. I’ve tried online dating several times before. I don’t like how it feels. It feels contrived and like I’ve given up on meeting someone organically. It makes me feel like a loser. But I can do 30 days no contact. I’m happy to do that. You’re right I am stuck in a rut.



  70.  #70Millie on August 11, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    I just got this feeling that maybe I’ve been posting the same thing for the past six plus months. And everyone is tired of reading the same thing from me.



  71.  #71Victoria on August 12, 2014 at 12:10 am

    @ Liquid Light 60

    How about, you tell him the truth? Like say, your offer is so tempteing, and I am so flattered by the idea that such a lovely man is inviting me to his lovely home, and I suspect you are an amazing cook. But I am afraid that this wonderful dinner will lead to sexual intimacy, and I still do not know you well enough to be sure that I want to be sexual with you. I would feel better if we could be spending time outside of our homes, doing things together and getting to know each other? What do you think?
    A friend of mine got invited to a man’s home for dinner, and because the route to his house was far and complicated, he offered to pick her up with his car and it was all assumed that she’d stay over. They had not been intimate up to that point, but had gone out on a few dates, and both being divorced and in their mid 40s, he probably thought now this was the next thing to do. She said to me she was uncomfortable and asked me what to do, I told her that if I were in her shoes I would go with my own car, no matter the complications, just to be sure I can get out of there if I want to. So, she goes there with her car, and it was difficult and confusing, and she got lost, just like he said she would. Finally, she gets to his home, and he asks her, why the heck she chose to come with the car and make everybody’s life so complicated. So, what did she do? She told him that a friend (me!) advised her to do that! He got really pissed off…
    Anyhow, if you decide to do what I advised you, please do not tell the man that someone anonymous advised you to do that on a relationship blog :-).



  72.  #72Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 3:47 am

    Liquid Light,

    I would just tell him the truth. Say that the invitation feels so good, and that the idea of him cooking for you feels so yummy and flattering, and you would love to see his home, but that it feels a little too soon for you and you would prefer to meet for dinner/a movie/a walk, whatever feels good to you.

    After all, if this relationship goes somewhere, you will have plenty of chances to see his home and spend time there.



  73.  #73Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 3:50 am

    Dixie 62,

    I feel so happy that what I wrote resonated with you. It helps me a very great deal to be honest about things like that, and to express them here, because it helps me get clear. For me, clarity is so important.

    I love my emotional unavailability. I know where it comes from and it feels good to be aware, and to open my heart little by little as I feel ready. There are aspects of it that may never disappear… I’m naturally shy, introverted and independent… and this is ok, lovely actually.



  74.  #74Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 3:54 am

    Millie,

    I know for myself I am not in the least bit tired of the things you post. And yet I’d love to see you stepping out in confidence as the high value woman that you are.

    Just do baby steps as far as Mechanic is concerned. A few days without contact, a week, miss an event here and there where he will be – it will get easier. Online dating is just a tool to get you out there, it does not have to be how you meet your soulmate. Just practice stretching your wings more and more, and one day, you will fly.



  75.  #75Kim on August 12, 2014 at 4:01 am

    Ugh, I just woke up to this text from wildchild late at night saying he is sorry he hasn’t texted earlier but he was busy and also went out socially…
    And he really likes spending time with me and thinks I should figure out this week what I want (I think he is talking about my life, moving away, room mate etc), and he doesn’t want to ‘impose’ this week, whatever that even means.
    I am even unsure what/if I ought to answer to that.
    Doing a withdrawal and then kinda patronising me and saying it is for my own good?
    Huh?
    It feels weird but also annoying.
    Anyway, not a problem. Maybe I will just not respond, because I don’t even know how I feel about it.
    Bored, pissed, uninspired…..
    Ugh.



  76.  #76Kim on August 12, 2014 at 4:21 am

    This is what he wrote:

    “Hey there, I’m really sorry I didn’t text you earlier. I was all over the place today. Then ran out to Home Depot, and thought it’d be cool to drive down for a beer. I want you to know I really enjoy being with you. I feel like you should spend some time trying to figure out what you want this week and don’t know if I should impose a whole lot… ? Anyhow, hope you had a good day. Hope maybe you had the chance to see the moon come up from the horizon. I’ve thought about u a lot today. Talk soon… Xo”

    I think I have nothing really to say to that, because I am not going to convince him to ‘make dates’ or anything like that.
    Probably best to just say nothing?



  77.  #77Dixie on August 12, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Kim,

    I think leaning way back might be good here. For me, when he says, “Talk soon”, its feels less like an invitation to respond.

    I totally understand why you would feel uninspired by his message 🙂

    Saying nothing would feel the most authentic, especially if you don’t know what to say. You could always just say later, “I felt confused by your message. I didn’t know how to respond.”

    Does that help? I’m new here and just feeling my way around 🙂



  78.  #78Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 5:38 am

    Darling Kim… #76
    I’m feeling confused… in my mind…This is a REALLY nice text

    WC took YOU to meet his family & friends just a few days ago….
    He did this because YOU were concerned about him moving in and not knowing each other…
    in my mind (and probably in his)
    this A BIG DEAL!!

    He usually texts and calls you multiple times a day!!!
    He has put his heart on the table…

    You have mentioned you might have to leave the country… move away… You are dating others.

    He has brought up marriage and the future…

    BUT you haven’t known each other
    very long… so moving in together
    is a GREAT first step!!!
    I think I am changing my mind about him moving in with you… he has made some BIG steps here…

    if this were me… I would THINK about this (which he asked in the text)
    HE IS LEADING
    I am feeling a CLOSED HEART from you…
    How would it feel to open your heart…?

    Try dating HIM exclusively…
    Share with him ALLLLL the wonderful things YOU enjoy and love about HIM!!!
    Talk about YOUR concerns about him seeing other gf
    going on trips with them… flirting
    Ask him: “What do you think?”
    Ask him what his concerns would be if you became exclusive

    Girl… YOU LIKE WC!!
    I am feeling from you
    Fear
    unworthy?
    unlovable?
    You need loving kindness for your little girl
    who is trying to protect her heart…
    Tell WC you missed hearing from him multiple times during the day… that you love that…

    I would ask him what he means by “what you want”
    just to get yourself and him clear about what you BOTH are trying to figure out….



  79.  #79Dixie on August 12, 2014 at 5:42 am

    THIS is why Azure Blu is fantastic!

    xox



  80.  #80Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 5:47 am

    Kim #76
    Darling, sweet, gentle Siren

    “don’t know if I should impose a whole lot… ? Anyhow, hope you had a good day. Hope maybe you had the chance to see the moon come up from the horizon. I’ve thought about u a lot today. Talk soon… Xo”

    TO ME THIS IS VERY VERY SWEET
    He is giving YOU space… to think about YOU and HIM…
    “Hope you had a good day… hope you had the chance to see the moon… I’ve thought about YOU a lot today!!!”
    Then he says “Xo – kiss and hug!!!”

    How would it feel to open YOUR HEART and think about ALLLL THE goodness here!!!

    I know you have to be careful BUT WC;s actions are
    SAYING a LOT!!!



  81.  #81Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 5:52 am

    ((((Dixie #79))))
    Ahhhh… you make me feel sooo good!
    Thank you for that!!!
    xxxx



  82.  #82Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Kim…
    one BIG thing I forgot…
    WC IS living with his ex…

    I understand why YOU are standing YOUR ground
    That IS BIG

    It would make since for him to move into his own place with a MALE friend for a bit…
    Just as an inbetween before he moves in with you…
    He has sooo many friends…



  83.  #83Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Kim,

    I agree wholeheartedly with Azure Blu.

    I don’t think he is patronising you or withdrawing from you.

    I think he is trying to take charge by establishing that what you need is a bit of space to think things over and feel through things – and I AGREE with him in this. I think he is trying to be considerate by giving you that space.

    I agree with Azure Blu – I see your defences going up. If you have feelings of fear or anxiety, or you miss him, share this with him. Vulnerability can make us feel quite exposed, but it is SO beautiful.

    I would feel touched to get a message like he sent to you. For me, it would be a sign to lean back and take a few days for myself.



  84.  #84Victoria on August 12, 2014 at 6:28 am

    @ Kim 76
    Just like Azure Blue, I also think he is trying to give you space. This is what a man would like to be given, and he is giving you the best gift that comes to his mind. Also, I think it is a sweet message, and one which he wanted to sound very thoughtful.

    It seems to me that he is trying, as best as he could, to give you whatever you need to be happy. For some things however (like the maturity to be living on his own) he might have to become a different person altoghether, and that is not going to be easy, if possible at all.

    You have every right to be acting in your own best self-interest, and to take all the time that you need to make up your mind. But I like very much what Rori teaches – to be strong inside but soft on the outside, and it seems to me this could be a good opportunity for you to practice that.



  85.  #85Kim on August 12, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Wow..I feel so touched by all your comments…
    Azure Blu….your comments made me cry, because I guess you are so right that it hit a nerve.

    I guess I just don’t know what to do.
    What to say. How to behave.

    It would be much easier to just dump him right now.
    This all feels so stressful.
    🙁



  86.  #86Kim on August 12, 2014 at 6:46 am

    I guess it has something to do with my life situation…I feel stressed.
    And I guess I was hoping he wanted to see me, not give me space…the whole week.
    He is not enthusiastic and it makes me feel more unenthusiastic.
    I just wrote a big email and deleted it.
    I want to reply, but I am unable to identify what it is I even feel or want to say..
    UGH



  87.  #87Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Mandy 55,

    I can empathise with your guy. If I was with someone who was very energetic and talkative first thing in the morning and needed to involve me in that I would probably want to deck them 🙂

    My point is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being super energised first thing in the morning (must be kind of wonderful actually!) but if you know that your man is not the same, direct this energy to your own pursuits. Craft a routine for yourself where perhaps you go out and run off your energy or workout or run some errands or whatever feels good to you… Make it all about you and your enjoyment. That way you don’t need to shut down towards him as it had nothing to do with him. See it as your me-time, get lost in your own world… Use it as time to create a bit of space in the relationship, a bit of mystery, and then to get calm again when you return to the relationship.

    Please don’t see it as a rejection of you if he doesn’t want to engage with your high energy in the morning. I am introverted and need to start my day off quietly and this kind of energy being directed at me would also make me recoil, but it would not have anything to do with me rejecting that person. It’s just about my own needs. Maybe this will help you not to shut down your heart 🙂 the thought that it is not personal.



  88.  #88Kim on August 12, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Hmmm…we are so different in character.
    I can’t offer him the type of attention he seems to crave, and he can’t seem to respect my quietness and sensitivity…this is the real issue here…I think unless we find an appreciation for our totally different characters, it isn’t going to work.
    After our tiff on Saturday night, he was sitting in bed texting other women and flirting with them on fb.
    I could not expose my heart to this kind of damage in the future.
    IDK



  89.  #89Kim on August 12, 2014 at 7:02 am

    I feel so confused. I have so many big decisions to make 🙁

    I have asked my realtor friend to advise me on putting my Condo on the market. 🙁

    I can’t deal with all this other stuff right now but I would really need a hug.

    I have a date with my ex tonight. And even that feels wrong and confusing right now.



  90.  #90Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Kim 88…
    Huuuuggggs!!!
    Your life does sound Very stressful right now…
    How are YOU going to be able to stay in the U.S.?

    Take some time…. Think About YOU!!
    Loving YOU!!
    What are the Feelings YOU are experiencing…
    Dig deep…

    Can you tell him something like…
    “Thank you for the text… I feel cared for…
    I miss you… wanted to see you…
    Yes, I do need to think about things…
    I feel VERY stressed”



  91.  #91Kim on August 12, 2014 at 7:11 am

    Indigo and Victoria…really loved what you said also…I am reading everything..

    And Azure Blu, maybe you hit on something important, the being unworthy thing.
    Maybe a different slant…I just don’t think I could be enough for this guy…even when we are together, his focus always seems to wander off elsewhere, or to other people even on his phone, it is almost compulsive – perhaps this is some kind of fear of intimacy – remember our first date was with friends, not a one on one…and maybe I am feeling not good enough on some subconscious level due to that?

    I would feel constantly insecure with this man, going on his vacations with other girls etc (I saw pics from before), maybe this is what freaks me out.

    I want to be with a man who appreciates my presence and to whom I feel as enough…does that make sense?

    Yes, I do like him a lot and he seemed until recently, to be really into me but now it feels very cooled off and it’s even more weird feeling because I know he is constantly texting and calling other people and he has pretty much dropped me…and given me ‘space’….

    Just feels bad right now.
    Ok, I am re-directing my focus to the work I so badly need…

    Thank you everyone for your input….Azure Blu you are amazing..



  92.  #92Kim on August 12, 2014 at 7:14 am

    Oh Azure, damn, I like your suggestion for the txt so much better!!! LOL
    I just wrote back before I saw it, something to the effect that I missed hearing from him and that I feel confused and the text feels confusing too….and that I feel bummed..and so on.

    Ugh. All good.



  93.  #93Kim on August 12, 2014 at 7:16 am

    As for the not dating others…I do not feel in the position to stop, because it is what keeps me sane…it’s only one other this week, but I would go spare if I sat alone at home every night…
    Plus he has not asked me to stop, or offered a commitment….not really.
    Yes, he has introduced me to his parents, but he is a fast forwarder…I don’t think this means as much as it would with another man.
    He is easy going like that ….



  94.  #94Victoria on August 12, 2014 at 7:50 am

    @ Kim 93
    May be he is not good for you, may be you are not good for him, this is not so important, it is important that you are good to yourself.
    I hate to see you beating yourself up, and it is mandatory that you love and cherish yourself, and do good things for yourself, even if no man is willing to do that.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Kim I agree with Azure. He seems to be considerate of you. I would not encourage the move in. I believe he is invested and at a point where sexual tension would help. Making your own choices, taking things slow, taking some space could give him the opportunity to really crave being with. I believe when men get that they cherish and value us more.



  96.  #96Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 8:10 am

    (((Kim…)))
    more hugssss…

    Sweet siren… I know what you wrote him is the perfect thing to say!!!

    In my experience… when guys start to like ME alot more…
    and I continue to date others…
    They DO pull away!!!

    Have You considered leaning forward a little and saying… “What would it look like if we were to ONLY date each other?

    Have you shared with him the feeling of extreme insecurity you feel about his constant contact with other women, in front of you?

    I do know you are feeling overwhelmed by his need for SO MUCH attention…

    Spiritcd is a lot like that…
    Spirit seems to be a flirt (I am too)
    High energy… I feel uneasy to even ask if
    he thought we were in an exclusive relationship
    because i’m NOT sure if I want one with him…

    reading and responding to your thoughts about WC
    It has opened MY heart to
    what I want to share with Spiritcd in the next few weeks.
    (It will be one month by then).
    “What would it look like if we were in an exclusive relationship?”
    Because of what we have talked about a week or so ago… He might think we ARE exclusive…

    Ahhhh!!!! it’s ALLL soo complicated…
    But I feel good that I have sooo many nice, thoughtful men wanting to spend time with me!!!
    I just want to keep my heart open so I can
    connect with the right one!!



  97.  #97Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:13 am

    Victoria….
    Do I? I was unaware that I was beating myself up even. Ugh.
    I just feel so stressed today for so many reasons, and honestly, he is just a man and they do what they want to do and it’s really not my job to steer or think so much, so I have just about leveled myself out again.
    I am my job.
    At the end of the day it should feel easy, and right now, for whatever reasons it isn’t.
    He doesn’t want to see me? Fine. Reasons don’t matter.
    I will spend time with those that DO make dates and DO want to see me, and there are those.
    And I will focus back on me.
    That’s the plan.
    He either comes to the party, or he doesn’t.
    I kinda decided that giving me space isn’t cutting it. I never asked for space and honestly, other than the weekend he has never made any real and consistent effort to set up dates anyway.

    Ok, maybe I am closing my heart, but I do not have an opportunity to open it until he is in front of me. I feel burnt out and confused by the usual days and days of texting. That isn’t dating.
    He told me he went out to have a beer at a place right close to me…so even work isn’t the excuse for not making dates anymore. Now it’s giving me space.
    So I guess we are not dating anymore, just occasionally texting.

    Back to basics Kim. I will give him space.
    Back on the horse.



  98.  #98Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Kim it is human nature to really appreciate and cherish what we work hard for. If you dont feel really appreciated by WC right now it might be because you agreeing to go along with everything he suggests. He might need a reason to feel a bit frustrated so he can pull out all the stops. He might be needing you to up your degree of difficulty a bit so he can get the challenge he needs to win



  99.  #99Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Do you have a sassy side to you?



  100.  #100Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 8:17 am

    FW… I feel all proud and smiley having you say
    you agree with me!!!
    I admire most of YOUR posts sooo much!!
    Thank you for that!!

    I agree with you…
    It would be good for both Kim and WC to take some space… Leaning Back…

    Another reminder for me with Spiritcd…
    I’m Soooo tempted to lean forward BUT
    I need NOT to do this!!!
    I will NOT contact him UNTIL he contacts ME…
    Because he has been pulling back a bit too…
    No sex yet… sooo we’ll see…



  101.  #101Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Azure Blu..I don’t feel safe to ask him for exclusivity.
    I don’t see it as my job..IDK

    Also, yes we have talked about the talking and women and so on and he said he needs to be with someone who can accept that it’s the way he is, he likes to talk and be gregarious and social and he isn’t going to curtail that…and this includes women and I guess it includes going on vacations with single women too. He sees nothing wrong with it and I know it would make me feel insecure.

    Also, I am unsure whether I can trust him. He strikes me as someone who, after a few drinks and talking to a woman he feels attracted to (and let’s face it, this happens), he might cheat. That is how I feel.
    And there is still the secrecy with his phone and his fb, which for me is a pink if not red flag.

    And Azure you hit the nail on the head with Spirit and how you feel. I am unsure as to whether I even want the exclusive relationship…because he would presumably still do what he wants to do and I would be stuck with him because I just don’t go on vacations with other guys or spend hours on the phone with other guys….so do I have anything at all to gain from an exclusive relationship?

    Also, I believe if it is on the table, ‘conditions’ need to be discussed and I do not think he would sign up for my conditions…lol…or me to his. As it stands, he is already pissed with me for internet dating and talking to my exes while he does what he does and that is seemingly fine…double standards. Here is another ‘having my cake and eating it’ man. No?

    Yes FW, he will get his space now. I am off to work and not even taking my phone with me, so I am not tempted to text if he does reply.
    Boom.



  102.  #102Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Kim you NEED space. That’s a difference between us and men. They know they need it so they take it. We need the space to be with ourselves to be clear on our thoughts and feelings. It is me time. When someone else is always up in your face there is really no way to deeply connect with yourself. He needs space to do that so he is respecting your need to do that………..is how I see it. I would respect his wisdom rather than punish him for it. It seems to me you are having some urgency going on inside. And are reacting to that.



  103.  #103Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:24 am

    98..wow FW, I feel inspired by that. Yes!
    Let’s see what he is made of, or not..lol



  104.  #104Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:24 am

    Dont put the relationship on trial because of a missed text.



  105.  #105Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 8:28 am

    Kim…
    Yes… I AM seeing more clearly WC…
    I think I would Lean Way Back…

    This IS a PERFECT time for you (and ME)
    To step BACK and go deep…
    This post by Dominique gives steps to take to time from a unavailable man and
    see what it’s bringing up for US.
    I’ve been reading and doing this
    this week…
    http://sexandheart.com/are-you-with-a-toxic-or-commitment-phobic-man/



  106.  #106Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:29 am

    102 FW yes, I do but the urgency is more about my life than about him.

    I think I was just feeling pissed about the pull-back, which was not only the text but not hearing from him for a day which is totally out of character and let the connection slip, and yea, he is on the phone all the time so it did annoy me….I felt the withdrawal.

    It is up to him to uphold the connection, as I see it, I have told him he would not be ‘imposing’ and if he wants to see me, good. If he wants to go two weeks, like last time, without a single date, and then suggests a hang out or simply a ‘move in’, I am not going to feel enthusiastic about any of that.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:30 am

    The secrecy is good. It is reflecting to you that he doesn’t feel safe with you either. A sign that you need to talk with this man about what you NEED ro feel safe. Remember you have to go first. Also wiith both of you still having your defences up I cant see how you could even consider moving him. Unfortuntely it is hard for me to visualize it working.



  108.  #108Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:31 am

    FW…I don’t think we have a relationship…we have bouts of dating and bouts of texting..there isn’t any consistency, and we have dated for 2 months..



  109.  #109Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:33 am

    A connection goes both ways. A relationship has its own needs. He alone can’t be responsible for the connection. Also what kind of commitment have you discussed and agreed on about communication and the conneection



  110.  #110Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Azure Blu..unsure as to whether he is toxic or commitment-phobic. One thing I do know that feels troubling to me is that he talks compulsively. I mean, he really does not stop.
    He talks and talks. He talks himself up with his work…and everything else. His friends even said to me that sometimes they need a break from him.

    A lot of it is insecurity. To me a really red flag in a man, to need constant validation. The fact he went on to text other women when we were in bed, tells me that when he is not getting what he needs from me he might find it elsewhere…and that is what cheaters typically do…been there, done that. I don’t know if it would be possible to build a relationship with such a person, who is constantly trying to fill a void.

    I am not here to fill his void.



  111.  #111Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:37 am

    109 no commitment discussion.
    This is another one who assumed?
    Then, when he met one of his women friends, and she asked him whether I was his gf, he told her ‘a date’ (he didn’t realize I was behind him and heard it). So she then looked at me and said ‘hello DATE’.
    So. That turned me off too.
    I think it is really up to him to bring all that up.



  112.  #112Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:38 am

    He has a lot of great quailities too, which I like in a man:
    -emotionally open
    -affectionate
    -sweet
    -very alpha and solution oriented
    -extremely sharp



  113.  #113Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Kim it really seems you are focussed on what he is doing i wonder what would have happened if you had. Brought the focus back to you and got out of bed and go do something to make you happy?



  114.  #114Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:42 am

    109 FW – do you think I lean back too much?
    He has been upholding the connection until right now, always the last and first one to do so. It worked really nicely, and made me feel so good.
    Now he dropped the ball.
    Do you think it is my responsibility to pick it up?
    IDK.
    I kinda disagree….something has changed and I do not want to start to ‘chase’. To me it would feel better to redirect my energy and see what happens.
    He has not even written back to me and he used to be one who would write back straight away…so a lot seems to have changed.
    I do think leaning back is the way to go.



  115.  #115Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:44 am

    113. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep because I was sooo tired..lol



  116.  #116Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Nope Kim. It is up to you to tell him you want and dont wnat in your life. Including women referring to you as a date. Which by the way is what you really are when there is no commitment. So really, he doesn’t have it wrong.

    What I am getting is that maybe you need to be in a committed relationship that is headed somewhere before you can make such trips with men. Reminds me of what I learned from CCarter



  117.  #117Femininewoman on August 12, 2014 at 8:48 am

    I believe it is up to you to taLk about it to see what he thinks and what he is willing to commit to rather than assigning him the responsibility without talking about it. Just because that is the way it worked in the beginning does mean it will continue that way without discussion. For me that would be taking me for granted



  118.  #118Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Ok. onwards and upwards.
    Decision is to put the Condo on the market. At least start the process. He is not moving in. As long as there is no commitment and one that feels good to me. Meaning he isn’t going to move in and text other women from MY bed, thank you very much.
    I feel better now I got this clear in my head.



  119.  #119Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:52 am

    117 FW, it’s all a little moot if we are not even meeting/dating.

    I would be more inclined to commit to him, if he brought the whole topic up himself and we could negotiate. As it stands he did a pull-back and I don’t feel good bringing up commitment I might not even want, when he isn’t in front of me right now. You know?



  120.  #120Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:54 am

    116 – right he doesn’t have the ‘date’ wrong, at all, but it still felt bad. It was a great opportunity for HIM to talk about it when he realized I heard it and the girl was making fun of me.



  121.  #121Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 8:55 am

    FW #116
    Ohhh… yes…. It feels good to hear this…
    “you need to be in a committed relationship that is headed somewhere before you can make such trips with men”

    For ME… It has to do with the same feelings I get from “casual sex” I am NOT good with casual sex…
    I am not good at meeting family and friends too soon when A Committement (and sometimes I still need to wait) has NOT been made…
    It starts getting into an “imaginary relationship”

    I also LOVE the reminder that Rori says.
    We need to go First!!

    I need to be AUTHENTIC which means
    talking about what I am REALLY feeling…
    I LOVE to pretend everything is alll good,,,

    I am good at feeling messages with men…
    I am good at sharing what I am feeling…
    I LOVE to be Authentic and to share ME
    with men I am dating…
    I do NOT pretend I am PERFECT…

    I AM AMAZING and the YUMMY PRIZE



  122.  #122Kim on August 12, 2014 at 8:57 am

    I do agree with you a bit FW, because he did talk about marriage the day before the ‘date’ talk, and kids and bla. Though, we just talked generally about that…and it almost feels a bit schizo to one day talk about changing names and kids and the next day being referred to as a ‘date’…there’s a lot of mixed messages. I know that is to do with my attitude also, but I don’t know what I want, whether I want a relationship with this man….for that I need to see more of him, really.



  123.  #123Kim on August 12, 2014 at 9:05 am

    121..hmmm yes Azure Blu.
    How does going first look to you?

    I am not good with casual sex either, and meeting family without commitment but at the same time this is tough when I am unsure as to whether I want a commitment with this man.

    In which case it would feel a lot better if he went first lol. That would inspire me….and open up negotiations…but hmmm.
    I guess we can bring up commitment in general terms..I think I did that though…and didn’t get much of a response other than that in his circle it is assumed that you are in a relationship when you ‘hang out and sleep together’.
    Ugh



  124.  #124Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 9:05 am

    (((Kim))) #122
    This is Just Me but…
    I think You are detoxing from that VERY intimate weekend with WC…

    YES… LEAN BACK…
    Have you taken YOUR little girl that is having a temper tantrum?
    Taken her sweet, little soft hand and set her next to you, put your arms around her…
    and held her… and ask her
    What is wrong little Kim?
    I am here for you… I will NOT abandone you
    I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU…

    I am glad YOU are HERE on Siren Island…
    I care about you and I know you are
    sooo wonderful… and right now you need alot of support… We are here for YOU!!!



  125.  #125Kim on August 12, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Assuming a commitment is also not great because if you don’t discuss what it means to each other: potential pitfalls.
    Like, the vacationing with other girls.
    My man would not want to do that…or rather I would not like my man to do that but rather plan a trip with me instead.



  126.  #126Kim on August 12, 2014 at 9:08 am

    Awww..Azure Blu….thank you 🙂
    Thank you!!
    I feel warm.
    I have to dash to work…..lol



  127.  #127Kim on August 12, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Right now I am the talkative one lol



  128.  #128Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Kim #123
    Yes, I too want Spirit to bring up the committement
    thing because I’m not sure If I want one with him…
    BUT this is MY OLD PATTERN…

    To hold ALL my thoughts and questions and disappointments and fears inside and NOT be AUTHENTIC… I want to practice this…
    Spiritcd is just the man for this…

    I do like Alot about him…
    I do like him A LOT…

    and yes, things have gotten different from when we first met…
    To now dating…
    and CCarter says one thing is for sure.
    Things do NOT stay the same from what they were in the beggining of a relationship… and it’s a GOOD thing!!!
    So this is the perfect time to share
    My hopes and dreams
    Whenever I share my feelings about our relationship he always responds!!



  129.  #129Kim on August 12, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Azure Blu.hmmm..yes my old pattern too..
    I hear ya.

    I will feel and think my way through this when he turns up again. Right now, he’s not in front of me.



  130.  #130Kim on August 12, 2014 at 10:00 am

    My old pattern is also to just dump them when I feel like this.

    Sometimes I really do wonder why I still try. There is only so much one can blame on the men.

    Maybe I just feel better alone. Honestly, it feels like a lot of soul searching and aggravation to have a warm body in one’s bed and a companion.

    Is it really worth it for me? Honestly, I am beginning to think it maybe isn’t. I am so much calmer and more unfazed and more focused on my life when not dating…and all this is throwing me off so much.

    I don’t like it.
    I think I will dump him and be done with it.



  131.  #131Nessie on August 12, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Kim # 118

    I felt a bit triggered by this:

    “Meaning he isn’t going to move in and text other women from MY bed, thank you very much.”

    Though I’m not sure whether to say I’m so much triggered as amused, perhaps? It reminded me of my first relationship (we were together 7 years)…my ex, let’s call him JL, and I used to play an online game together, and some socializing was involved. I knew one of our fellow players had a crush on him, but did not feel threatened because she lives at the opposite end of the country.

    During the last 7-8 months we were together, I had gotten over the game and stopped playing, but while I watched tv or read magazines or whatever, JL would sit at MY computer using MY webcam to “innocently chat” with her. Though I noticed they were acting strange and asked him several times whether there was anything deeper going on, he continued to deny it, and I chose to trust.

    Long story short, he broke up with me, insisting she had nothing to do with it, then proceeded to fly out to see her shortly thereafter, posting pictures of them together online.

    Funny thing is, he had already cheated on me years before with his ex and I stayed with him…he has now been with the new girl for almost 3 years (he and I are still friends), and he has been cheating on HER with his ex!

    One of the lessons for me? No guy is ever going to use MY devices in MY bedroom to build relationships with other women ever again…thank YOU! 🙂



  132.  #132Kim on August 12, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Nessie OMG…no words…lol



  133.  #133Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 10:16 am

    When all is said and done, I keep coming back to what Dominique says: Can you love and accept a man as he is, right now, even if nothing ever changes?

    For me, this means that he has faults and flaws, and does things that I don’t like, just as I have faults and flaws and do things that he doesn’t like, but I love him ANYWAY. For me, if I cannot do that, there is no point. If there is no love and acceptance, there is no point. And I’ve found that this kind of radical acceptance absolutely CAN diminish the things which trigger you over time. I have seen this time and time again, and Dominique talks about it too. The key is, you have to be fine regardless.

    Just like sharing your authentic feelings can encourage a man to step up. And if he doesn’t, you still win because you had the experience of opening your heart, being truthful and being congruent with yourself.

    As I write this, I think about how I am doing this more and more. Radically accepting the people in my life, AND expressing and sharing my feelings about things. I don’t want to be at war, with other people or myself.

    Kim, this is some of the stuff that reading your posts brought up for me. And I agree with FW and Azure Blu, a relationship does not stay the same as it was in the beginning. It starts to become a lot more real, and that is where the two things I mentioned above – radically accepting, and sharing your feelings – really help.



  134.  #134Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Indigo #133…
    Yes… you have such a magical way with words…
    I love this post!!!

    Radical acceptance… I do appreciate and enjoy sooo much about Spiritcd…

    I will have to think if I can accept him just like he is…



  135.  #135Kim on August 12, 2014 at 10:23 am

    True Indigo..



  136.  #136Indigo on August 12, 2014 at 10:33 am

    Thank you Azure Blu 🙂 your comment made me feel very happy and blushy



  137.  #137Kim on August 12, 2014 at 11:08 am

    The radical acceptance thing has to go both ways also though….



  138.  #138Mandy on August 12, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Kim – when you were with the man who said you were a date and the woman said “hello DATE”, wow that sounds pretty vicious and I’d feel completely turned off as well. I am sensing some serious jealousy there, either that or the woman just thought it would be funny to say something like that. Sometimes I say something I think would be funny and it ends up coming out all wrong. I realize a lot I do some things and then notice what I did later…hindsight is 20/20…



  139.  #139Kim on August 12, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Mandy, yeah, i didn’t like it….



  140.  #140Mandy on August 12, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Nessie – I very much relate to your situation with the man texting in bed. It’s not an instantaneous trigger today, but the more I think and feel about it the more I realize how big of a trigger it is. It’s one of those weird slowly growing ones, but they grow huge, and they make me feel like an idiot, because I’ll have said something happy and sweet one moment, then I look pissed, and he’s like okaaay…what did I do?

    The trigger situation I had: I had a moment last Valentine’s Day, and J, my guy, felt it was important to reminisce about his exes that day, especially about one in particular because she was moving out of state and he thought he’d never see her or hang out with her again, and he started writing to her, basically leaving me alone in our studio apartment doing so. It wasn’t especially cool of him to do all that reminiscing when the day I feel should’ve been focused on me…Later on he slipped little notes through the bottom of the bathroom door where I was separating myself from him, taking a hot bath, and it melted me, I felt all warm and gooey and “AWWWW!” on the inside.. and made up for the yucky feeling, and I came out of my hidey hole and hugged him. But point being, I just remember how I felt when he was writing to her. Yucky. Awful. Uninteresting. Ignored. Left alone. You know? It’s like, this is an intimate moment, we either just had an intimate moment, we are having one, or we are about to have one, whether it’s sex or cuddling or sleeping in the same bed or it’s V-day, and I won’t sit here and wait for you to get done texting or writing to another female in or after an intimate moment that is supposed to be about us, only us… I’d appreciate it if he would save the texting for when we are both sort of surfing the net on our computers, or doing something similar, so I don’t feel left out, or save it for during his own personal time which he can take whenever he wants, however he wants. I certainly won’t wait, I get to go first, that’s what this is about. I totally feel you on that.

    Sometimes J can’t see over his emotions to see mine. Even if I state them. I think when it’s an out-of-control free-fall for men, whereas it’s like a nestling-into-pain situation for women, he must feel like the one who’s got issues. I felt it the other night. He was like no, it’s not you, it’s me, my issues, and I was like, no, I have issues, and then we just kind of agreed we both have issues, but we love each other…lol.

    J even tried to get intimate physically! It didn’t work, I got too excited, and he felt too pressured. Boy did I feel like an idiot, but so did he, but then we just agreed it had just been too long, he needs me to be slow with him and ease back into it rather than go from 1-10 in 2 seconds flat, as I am a very healthy person in that respect. If you get my drift. But it couldn’t have been bad! I just kind of freaked out a bit because it had been a long time…he realized that too. Oops! I hope that oops isn’t too big an oops I hope I didn’t scare him far away…

    But J got a job!!! It’s temporary so he needs to keep searching but it’s a start!

    YAY! Right? Water-wheel turning in the right direction? 😀



  141.  #141Kim on August 12, 2014 at 11:57 am

    I haven’t heard anything and am pretty sure this was more about him taking space than me.
    Good.
    Happy to have another date tonight, I need the distraction.



  142.  #142Mandy on August 12, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Indigo –

    About my fresh daily starts, lol, you are right, I realize that’s actually perfectly logical as well as good-feeling. I have had to sort through a lot of context and feel it all out, and come back to it later. I realize a lot that a lot shouldn’t be taken personally. Although it is incredibly easy to do so. Especially when you are about beating yourself up and haven’t quite come out of it yet.

    It’s also not only that I’m energetic, I am also so excited to see him and share with him right away. It’s as though hey I just spent seven hours unconscious I have so many thoughts and feelings to share…there’s just no filter, lol.

    Feels like crazy…lol…but at least not in a negative manner 😛



  143.  #143sophie on August 12, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    I cant get onto the blog unless im on my phone. The new post just isnt there. I know its done this before – anyone any ideas? I want to join in!



  144.  #144Mandy on August 12, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    A.A. –

    The Modern Siren was a serious change for me. I had known of imagery and using those types of things in a psychological setting, with a therapist, and so I knew about, like the glowing ball of white light energy and things of that nature, your “happy place”, etc.
    So I really took to it very quickly as soon as I got through most of it, and let the instructors on it take me through it, gently. Only thing is, for some reason I didn’t get the DVDs. So I have to buy it again and I think I may be able to soon since J has a job now. So that’s good! That program was like medicine…it really helped me unwind. As I need the apartment to myself completely to do the program, to do the vocal section, etc, because I have to do all of it for it to work, I have that now since J’s got a job, and now that I might be able to afford it next month and I have about five to eight hours a day to myself, it should be in order. Nice!!!



  145.  #145Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    @ Kim

    Why don’t you date the most important person in your life ….

    YOU!!!

    I sense from you, and please forgive the bluntness, that part of you is finding all the date “hard work” and I keep thinking that I wish you could spend some time with you working out what will make you happy.

    You say that ;

    Hmmm…we are so different in character.
    I can’t offer him the type of attention he seems to crave, and he can’t seem to respect my quietness and sensitivity…this is the real issue here…I think unless we find an appreciation for our totally different characters, it isn’t going to work.

    And this makes me think, sweetie, why are you putting yourself through this? What is driving you?!

    And really I have to be asking myself the same question. As I read your posts today I felt I could have been reading about my own life! I completely get where you are coming from.

    D used to text me completely innocuous texts that I felt totally stumped by. I just felt uncomfortable, like ‘meh!’

    He would always start his texts ‘To my beautiful … ‘ and it felt so fake.

    He would then tell me what he had been doing and then say something like ‘Hope you enjoyed such and such’ and it always felt like a bit of a command to tell you the truth.

    We were so different.

    I think in all honesty he was just a very simple man ( I mean that in a nice way!!) but he did not get subtlety or nuances in conversation.

    Most of his texts at best demanded yes or no answers.



  146.  #146Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    … Also D would always berate me if he felt that I didn’t have a good enough answer for him.

    He would go on and on about how I didn’t seem to care or be interested.

    He would also ‘accidentally misunderstand me’. I felt this was deliberate because it would be all the time and we would go over things in ever decreasing circles.

    Half the time I felt like he was the Spanish Inquisition! He would practically interrogate me!

    Gosh, its only writing about it that makes me realise how awful it was…

    Hmmm



  147.  #147Millie on August 12, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Thank you Indigo



  148.  #148Kim on August 12, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Well, wildchild is a very nice man in many ways, he might just not be my man.
    Interesting perhaps that the same things that drive me crazy, drive his friends crazy too, and they wouldn’t have to live with it 24/7. Lol.

    There is a reason for everything. It’s funny I met this alpha, charge ahead, future talking and planning super masculine guy right after I had been dating a commitment phobic, no future planning, feminine guy.

    It was interesting. And nice. And a nice man-snack if nothing else.

    Meanwhile, I have been talking to a realtor friend about putting my beloved Condo on the market, at least the market has picked up. I will be sad to let it go, but it is time to be realistic, and strong, and do what I have to do to get my life back on track again. I feel sad but I know this too shall pass.



  149.  #149Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    So much stuff going through my head today.
    I feel completely emotionally destroyed. And I know that sounds really dramatic. Lol!



  150.  #150Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    I keep using food as a way of cheering myself up. It feels scary to sit here with these feelings…



  151.  #151Kim on August 12, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    ((((Waterfall)))) that resonates.
    Also, I too use food for comfort…and although we aren’t supposed to, my best friend home always had some ‘consolation chocolate’ in her drawer. It actually said that on a wrapper, and it was cute.
    I am having a glass of wine. My longterm CD is taking me out for dinner. I also feel emotionally destroyed from today, mainly the house selling stuff but also man stuff.
    I feel grateful that I do not have to sit with those awful feelings alone tonight.
    Can you do something nice?



  152.  #152Labbit on August 12, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Hello Sirens! So many thoughts I want to share…

    Last I checked in I wasn’t sure if I’d see TenderCD on Friday evening or not. We did spend the evening together, first worked out together and then dinner and some cuddling at his place. He picked a great restaurant and somehow had my favorite body wash waiting at his place, I think I may have mentioned it last time I was there and that was a nice special treat. While we were cuddling he was making moves towards sex and I didn’t feel ready. It feels awkward for me right now; I’m so turned on by him but I don’t feel comfortable yet with sex because we don’t see each other with consistency. The last time we were dating we had sex very quickly and that made me feel insecure, I shared this with him when we got back together. When we got back together a couple of months ago TenderCD said he wants to take things slow…I agree and yet part of me just wants to seal the deal. So many emotions!

    My energy might have been off too; I decided not to invite him to my friend’s BBQ on Saturday evening. It didn’t feel right when I was with him, it felt like pressure. I felt like I was stuffing my self-expression a bit…part of me wants to let things unfold naturally yet another part wants to talk to him about where we see each other in our lives. It’s only been about two months though so I feel like waiting is OK. I was very busy over the weekend and I guess TenderCD was too because I didn’t hear from him at all. Come Monday he was right back with conversation.

    I’ve been triggered so much. At times I feel very embarrassed of myself, like a little girl who throws tantrums and doesn’t know how to manage her feelings. I’m not sure what to share with TenderCD and what’s just old stuff I’m working through, so for now I’ve kept it mostly to myself. On Saturday night for instance it felt weird not hearing from him; I didn’t expect to see him but normally he tells me his plans and evens sneaks a text or two to me while he’s out. I felt a lot of old fears rushing to me — that he was with another woman, that he was abandoning me, all things with no evidence in reality but intense nonetheless. It took all the strength I have to put my attention back on me, and on Sunday I had another full fun day which helped though I did find my thoughts drifting to TenderCD a few times. Then I feel silly, because I don’t need to be pining after him and it feels icky. But I can’t quite seem to evade that old behavior.

    I keep reminding myself that TenderCD reached out to me to get back together at a time when I was enjoying myself, living a full and vibrant life and concerning myself only with my own happiness. I do find myself drifting towards centering my life around him at times right now, and then I beat myself up about it. I have to catch myself in these moments and find compassion for myself instead — I can’t do anything wrong if he’s the right guy for me, yet I also need to keep myself first and forefront in my life. This is the challenge for me right now. I feel less fear overall and more love, but I also struggle with indescribable sadness and pain at times. Not from him — I feel wonderful when TenderCD is loving me and I share that with him as much as I can — just the gremlins inside me. Right now for instance they are shouting at me that I’m too much of a nice girl and that he will take advantage of me; that he won’t really care about me because I’m a doormat. Ugh. I know that cool, confident girl lives in me. I have been her. I need her help right now! I need my Goddess self to take me by the hands and help me keep myself up…love me…guide me.



  153.  #153Labbit on August 12, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    I feel like mush. LOL. It feels very good to have a safe place to share the insecurities I’m dealing with right now. I feel so grateful for this space.

    Kyla — Your advice to Mandy on the last thread, so good. Thank you for bringing in the soft yet strong perspective, it’s inspiring!



  154.  #154prplpsn28 on August 12, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Me too Waterfall. Feeling emotionally destroyed.



  155.  #155Labbit on August 12, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    It’s frustrating because I realize no man is the cause of my triggers and every time I start to get close to a man all those triggers rear their ugly heads. Then I want to either run away, find faults in a man even though those faults don’t actually exist or push him away. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. I see that this will continue to be the way things go unless I face these triggers and heal. I feel thankful for the tools I now have to help heal myself. I wish the healing would go faster. 🙂 Sometimes I worry that my being off balance will drive the man I like away. Slowly I am starting to see that I am enough just by being who I am. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Confident! Unconfident. Loving! Fearful. Happy! Sad. I can only laugh. One small baby step at a time, Labbit.



  156.  #156Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    @ Kim

    That is so lovely! It’s just cheered me up reading what you wrote..

    I am just sitting chilling with a cup of coffee and watching some telly.

    @ prplpsn28

    Hugs to you



  157.  #157Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    I just feel so many confused and conflicting emotions…

    Like did he love me?? Did he try and control me?? Did he see me as awkward? Did he just think I was a blank canvas that he could write on? Was he interested in me? Can he really change towards me? Does he want to change towards me? Does he want to treat me better?

    I feel so confused….

    Grrrrrrrr………



  158.  #158Kim on August 12, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Ah waterfall is in the UK..telly 😉
    I feel second home sick…might be back there soon!a



  159.  #159Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Ohhhh Labbitt… #155
    All of this is sooo me too!!!
    I feel like such a doormat, lots of triggers…
    when I start getting close to a man and sex just makes me worse!!!
    I’m thankful for “the tools” for MY healing
    YESSSS!!! I wish it would go FASTER!! :-))

    #152 thank you for sharing this journey with Tendercd returning…



  160.  #160Azure Blu on August 12, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    (((prplpsn#154)))
    Take it from me… it does get better!!



  161.  #161Waterfall on August 12, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    I did cook a nice supper for me tea. I made a frittata with asparagus, sweet corn and carrots.. And poss too much garlic 🙂

    I served it with new potatoes sautéed in butter and a sprinkling of dill, a lovely fresh garden salad with sliced beetroot and radish, and a good dollop of humous! Yummy…

    I feel relaxed and free in so many ways. But sad too…

    At the weekend I have some plans of DIY which I am super excited about. I’m going to customise an old chest of drawers hopefully. I’m weirdly looking forward to giving my flat some TLC – it needs it!

    I still feel such an over-tiding sadness though. On top of that I feel beside myself with confusion…

    Is D just the easy option??! He was there for me in some way I guess. Not many people in this world are.

    I was just thinking how lonely this world is. Everyone is always really busy. He was there for me in so many ways.

    He loved our time together he would constantly tell me that. It made me feel so good.

    I felt so happy that I could make someone else feel so happy.

    Ahhh, and then I start thinking of all the reasons he was wrong for me.

    He was stubborn, impatient, belittling, interrogating, dismissive, sleazy, creepy, obsessed with sex, obsessed with women…

    Lol, the list goes on…

    He never waits for me. We always have to follow his strict timetable.

    He never wants to get a drink or a snack EVER when we are out.

    He says inappropriate things to other women. (Not flirting so much as sleazy humour)

    Grrrrr…

    Why was I with him??? Lol… I’m so confused…



  162.  #162IamHis on August 12, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    I got into this really long message exchange with divorced guy. I think we found each other because he has a lot of anger towards women and I have a lot of anger towards men. He’s beautiful.



  163.  #163IamHis on August 12, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    I could feel his anger coming towards me, so I just shared my anger with men in general with him. He seemed to relax after that. I feel kind of frustrated that we’re doing a lot of messaging as opposed to in person talking. I think we both feel threatened by the other in a way, so this feels safer or something? Imaginary Relationship Alert. ^$##/^



  164.  #164IamHis on August 12, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    D: by the way, we’re not all bad.
    Me: Neither are we.
    D: I know.

    I feel braver. Now, on to tackling real life interactions…

    *sigh*



  165.  #165Mandy on August 12, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Waterfall,

    You sound like you’re doing the right things, cooking yourself an very delicious meal and thriving on the freedom you have. I would like a taste of that meal, it sounds heavenly! Oh, and INDULGE in the garlic….I read in some women’s magazine like Cosmopolitan (which I will not read these days as their advice really goes against Sireny ways to me), “If one eats garlic, the other has to as well” during dates – meaning, if your date has a garlic dish on your outing, you might want to have one too, or vice-versa, so he (or you) doesn’t smell funny. It seems very Sireny to me to indulge in that garlic-y dish by yourself!!! I am always remembering that trick on dates, so when I am not on a date and I want some garlic on my dish, I indulge and it is very much a sensational Siren thing. I am very much of a sensationalist…if anything gives me a wonderful little experience, I definitely remember it for later…like clothing made with soft cloth, nice bedding, a nice hot bath, chocolate, coconut perfume, coffee, little things…and it’s the little things that make you happy sometimes…it at least works for me and creates some excitement with my own self and my own free time.

    I just totally found a little Siren meadow in your cooking dish just then, thanks for the inspiration 🙂

    Oh – and I feel so curious that you are from the across the sea, in the UK 🙂 I wonder what part 🙂



  166.  #166Veronica on August 12, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    ((((((((Kim)))))))



  167.  #167Veronica on August 12, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    My mother is not accepting of FunnyCD. I understand that my mom can feel and think whatever she wants. I was majorly triggered – I wanted to cry, run away, not tell anyone about the relationship. And then I realised the big bad fear – I feel scared/terrified that someone or something will hurt what is between me and FunnyCD which I treasure very much. “Please don’t hurt this love”. Sharing with him my fear helped me to feel safe and also notice a certain strength in what’s between us.

    I tried leaning back (I’m usually feeling so excited or lucky that I forget to tune into some of the tools) – he landed up adoring me! And then I noticed the dance – coming closer, separating, I lean back, he comes forward, he leans back and I come closer.



  168.  #168Millie on August 12, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    Labbit 155/157 I really like what you said here.



  169.  #169Millie on August 12, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    Veronica your dance sounds beautiful!



  170.  #170Millie on August 12, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    So I realize I haven’t changed at all. In the four years I’ve been reading Rori, I haven’t changed at all. Why haven’t I? Because I’m a self sabotager. I sabotage things for myself. Even though I know what I need to do and happy behavior, I refuse to let myself be happy, and ruin myself with bad moods, I spoil attraction, I withdraw and pout making myself more unattractive in the process. Why? Because maybe I don’t REALLY want to be close to anyone. I notice this pattern stemming back to high school. I isolated myself, I was a good student, yet I found ways not to be. I created barriers. And I’m still doing it now. I’m not here talking about solutions to my problems. And there are solutions. I’m here using the blog to mope. I’ve moped for years. Even now, writing about this problem is a form of self sabotage. I ask myself why I am alone, why I feel like no one like me, it’s because I’ve pushed them all away with negative and unattractive behaviors. Or at least I think I have. Basically, I have the power to change and I’m not doing it. I don’t know what else to say.



  171.  #171Emerson on August 12, 2014 at 10:56 pm

    I’ve been craving sexual attention and it sometimes leaves me feeling extra lonely.



  172.  #172Millie on August 12, 2014 at 11:20 pm

    Emerson I hear ya!



  173.  #173Indigo on August 13, 2014 at 12:40 am

    Millie,

    I had a really marathon moping session about 2 months ago where I was moaning about people not liking me and leaving me, and my mom gave me a stern talking to, basically asking me what do I expect, when I find ways to reject people all the time and not let them in?

    Sometimes a good pep talk from someone who loves you can be the best thing 🙂



  174.  #174Millie on August 13, 2014 at 12:53 am

    Indigo, I don’t share these icky nasty feelings with anyone but the blog and my cousin, who she herself is not in the best place right now. Honestly, I share the most about how I feel on the blog because I know you ladies will understand and not judge me. I do feel very self conscious sharing them. I don’t voice them to anyone else, so you could say I hide these icky feelings and only release them when I’m alone. I am happy with many aspects of my life but it’s just these icky things i can’t get past. I know I can snap out of my rut without help. I just need to help myself and stop hindering. feel free to give me as many pep talks as you like, although I think this had to come from inside me.



  175.  #175Millie on August 13, 2014 at 12:58 am

    I feel really disgusted with myself right now.
    I wish I could erase what I’ve written tonight.



  176.  #176Indigo on August 13, 2014 at 1:38 am

    Millie,

    Believe me, I understand. I understand the need to keep your feelings to yourself, and only you know what is really best for you.

    However, opening up to someone, however ugly you think the feelings might be, and even if you feel worried about their response, is a really good thing to get into the habit of doing when you feel low. People like to know how you are authentically feeling because it helps them connect to you. It also helps you not to judge yourself when you share your feelings with someone else. And of course, you can get advice and support, which can feel very good and be just what you need to give you that boost out of your slump. Even if you feel like you can pull yourself out of it, it strengthens your relationships with others if you let them in too sometimes.



  177.  #177Kim on August 13, 2014 at 3:48 am

    Hmmmm..wildchild poofed. Never heard from him again after that text. Oh well. It’s quite probably a ood thing and one thing less to wonder/worry about in my life right now.

    Had a nice date with my old CD yesterday…he wants to plan a getaway and bla. The less enthusiastic I was to be with him, the more he runs after me.
    I know, it’s how it is supposed to be, but kind of sad that only when you don’t care about them they come running.

    I feel unenthusiastic and sad about dating, and am going to concentrate on other stuff….



  178.  #178Kim on August 13, 2014 at 3:49 am

    ‘A good thing’ typos!



  179.  #179Emerson on August 13, 2014 at 5:28 am

    Good morning sirens, I’m not feeling very sireny! I intenrd to feel good today.



  180.  #180Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 6:14 am

    Emerson…
    Good morning! Yes!!! I intend to feel good today also!!

    I’m sooo excited… I’m getting my kitchen and hallway and 1/2 bath floors redone!!! and I’ve been trying out new paint colors for the wall in those rooms!!!
    It’ll be SOOO beautiful!!!

    Spiritcd has not contacted me in 3 days…
    I am leaning back…
    I am feeling
    Sad
    rejected
    yearning
    curious
    missing his lovely voice (he has such a sexy voice)
    missing his attention
    He has added a new company he’s selling for and mentioned he would be working more hours…

    KS has contacted me and wants to take me on another date…
    I feel i need to share with him my concerns about getting close again and that I AM seeing other men.,,

    My Big concern is he is VERY rude… always pushing people away… Very abrasive…
    Right now he’s really nice… I’m sure he has NO idea that is how he comes across

    I am very busy work wise… I need to concentrate on MY work!



  181.  #181Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Kim #77
    Darling one…. Hasn’t it only been 2 days since you heard from him?
    He mentioned about taking a break…

    I know how you feel… It’s only been 3 days since I heard from Spiritcd… but when you’re used to hearing from them many more times… it seems odd…

    I am thinking I might ask Spiritcd (when he contacts me)
    what he feels is a good rhythm for him to keep in contact in a relationship…

    Any suggestions?



  182.  #182Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 6:34 am

    I talked to a POF cd last night…
    Very interesting… does Forensic investigations…
    He was easy to talk to BUT
    We talked about HIM for ONE solid hour…
    at the end of the hour (it was 10:00 pm)
    He said: Enough about me let’s hear about you…
    Me: Ohhh I’d love to share about me with you…
    but It’s 10 pm and I need to get stuff done before I go to bed…
    I know the rule is to give them 2-3 more chances…
    He didn’t mention calling me…
    We’ll see…
    I am talking to another POF cd at noon today….
    I’m on my horse riding forward!!
    LOVING ME>>>>



  183.  #183Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Hi Sirens,

    My most recent ex, AP, was an abusive addict living on his grandmother’s couch, no job, no car, no nothing. I was stuck on his potential, but eventually came to a point where I got tired of “waiting” for him to start trying to change his life (we were together one year), plus I was afraid he’d someday go into a rage, whether induced by drugs or his own insecurities, and seriously injure me. He hit me a few times while we were together, but luckily, I was never seriously hurt.

    In the time between JL and AP, I felt super desperate. I was basically addicted to dating sites, but terrified to go on dates with any man that seemed “too good” for me…so I pretty much wasted time on men who were SUPER not good for me. I’ve been on a sort of “dating sabbatical” since my relationship with AP ended in February, in hopes that I would finally take the time to get to know and love MYSELF, so that when I am ready to date again, I will actually feel open to talking to good men, instead of feeling like I’m not worthy and running away.

    Between going to group therapy and reading through this blog, I have been feeling a little more confident as time has passed. I have been reading this blog for about 2.5 years now, but always felt too shy to write.

    Anyway, so that’s my back story. What I really wanted to ask about was…I’ve noticed that on the days I feel at my worst, and by that, I mean I feel frumpy and grumpy and like I don’t care (usually when I’m PMSing haha, but sometimes it happens when I’m not also, like yesterday/today), people in general (not just men) seem to gravitate towards me. It’s SO confusing! Yesterday I went to the gym and had what I thought was my best “don’t talk to me” face on (not on purpose, I was just in a mood…lol), and 2 women tried to strike conversations with me, and 1 man kept looking and smiling at me. Today, as I was driving to work, I was listening to music and thinking “UGH TODAY SUCKS!”, and I noticed 2 men in other cars smiling at me.

    Does this happen to any of you? I find it funny but frustrating, I don’t understand what it is about my “bad days” that seems to make me so much more “attractive”? The attention is nice, but I don’t want to feel like I have to look pissed off all the time to get it…lol! I suspect it’s my “I don’t care” attitude, but I’m not sure?

    🙂



  184.  #184Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 7:29 am

    Nessie #183…
    Ohhhh… Geee… !!! you have me laughing!!

    being noticed when you’re at your grumpiest!!!
    :-))

    I have no ideas about that… maybe other sirens do

    But thank you for sharing YOUR journey…
    I feel happy hearing you are LOVING YOU More…
    and for ME when I began sharing on Siren Island…
    I was feeling MUCH better about ME
    and felt more confident being Vulnerable…

    BUt for me it was a process and such an important part of opening the door to MY cage, climbing OUT of MY cage!! jumping on top of it and spreading my wings
    AND FLYING!!!!
    one baby step at a time!!!



  185.  #185Femininewoman on August 13, 2014 at 7:38 am

    Nessie it might be synchronicity. There might be something you put out in your vibe during those times where you also tell the Universe that you need some help. In other words your body language might be incongruous with your vibe. You show leave me alone on your face but your insides are pleading for connection??



  186.  #186Kim on August 13, 2014 at 7:55 am

    ((((Azure Blu)))) sorry about SpiritCD.
    Is this his normal pattern though? Or unusual?

    I have workmen coming today and have decided that this is a good excuse to stop fretting, looking for work, panicking and just going to the beach this afternoon to relax. I bought some lovely food and white wine and will use the workmen noise and upheaval to escape my gloomy mood and take myself to the ocean.

    Now, yes Azure, he last contacted me on Monday…with that text I pasted here..and I replied and have not heard since. Thing is, the man is a talker, and he would contact me multiple times a day, to share day to day stuff such as work, life, friends, anything. So it’s pretty unusual, and as much as I understand the need for space, I think he turned it to him thinking I should take space.
    I took my space and as a matter of fact, what it did is kinda convince me that I do not see things going forward and I see no moving in.
    To me, there would have needed to be talking and meeting or making future plans to at least get together and spend a little more time together, so it all became moot really.
    And that’s fine.

    I feel fed up with dating anyway. I also have a POF profile, last time I checked I had 40 messages. Honestly…I am lacking the energy with so much else going on. It would be a nice distraction but I think the time has come to focus 100% on me.



  187.  #187Femininewoman on August 13, 2014 at 8:01 am

    Kim I always find being by the water, watching the ebb and flow of the waves and listening to sounds very relaxing and calming



  188.  #188Victoria on August 13, 2014 at 8:01 am

    @ Azure Blue 181
    This is a very fundamental question, what to do when someone wants to do something differen than what you like (e.g. him to call you every day).
    Please let me know if there is a right answer :-).
    What I do is ask the person to change the behavior. If they don’t I am pissed, if they do I hate that I had to ask… But if I don’t ask, they sometimes are clueless… so I choose the lesser evil.



  189.  #189Kim on August 13, 2014 at 8:05 am

    187 FW yes, yes, yes!
    It takes my mind off all my troubles, even just for a moment.
    I feel relaxed, one with nature, happy.
    Can’t wait.



  190.  #190Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Kim…
    I see what you’re saying about WC and what you’re considering and weighing about YOU moving forward with him or not…

    Nice to hear YOU taking care of YOU with the work being done…
    For me when I get some things taken care of in MY life… MY stress level goes down..

    Ahhhh… the ocean… what a good idea…

    As far as what is usual with Spiritcd…
    we haven’t actually “dated” a month yet (next week will be a month)…

    Sooo it’s all a learning process… and I stay pretty much open and having fun… till I feel something that would be important to share…
    Which is coming up now, with the “staying in contact” and what I like…



  191.  #191Kim on August 13, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Azure…I look forward to hearing what happens when he contacts you 🙂



  192.  #192Dominique on August 13, 2014 at 8:47 am

    Nessie – 183 – It’s actually very simple why. When you think you’re looking your worst, feeling grumpy, not caring what others think about you, you have NO expectations or an agenda. When you’re not looking for anything, not wanting attention, and it’s just this which garners it. You are being REAL and AUTHENTIC, and it’s this which is very attractive.

    xxoo



  193.  #193Indigo on August 13, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Dominique 191,

    I agree completely with you. Nessie, the same thing happens to me. I think people like the fact that, even though we think we are experiencing very yucky feelings, we are actually being completely real and truthful. People are very drawn to that. They are sick of the lies and the pretence and the masks. People feel safe with you when you’re not so concerned with what other people think of you, you’re just completely honestly being YOU.



  194.  #194prplpsn28 on August 13, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Going to lunch with my mom, aunt and cousin. Not feeling it tho. Not even hungry. I’m starting to feel pissed off at H. I don’t feel like he was completely honest with me.. Why do guys feel they need to sugar coat things for fear of hurting you?! I’d rather be hurt with the truth then with a lie. The guy I dated before H just put it all out there and even tho I was upset I also appreciated it cuz I didn’t feel like I was in limbo.Ugh! I hate this feeling!



  195.  #195Indigo on August 13, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Purple,

    Would his reasons even matter, would they make you feel any better, that’s assuming he even knows what they are??

    He probably doesn’t even really know why he wants a break from you, or cannot put it into words. For the most part, the guys I have known, if they are just not feeling it, they are not feeling it. It is not much more complicated for them than that. Most of them do not know the finer points of why. They are not like us and do not spend hours putting their feelings and motivations into words. The reasons could have to do with his own issues, or how the two of you fit together… very likely both. We will probably never know.

    If I were you I would just keep putting the reasons back into the box of “His Business” and keep bringing your focus back to you.

    x



  196.  #196Kyla on August 13, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Millie we’re not tired of hearing from you! I notice your attention on mechanic is static and I know how self defeating it is to be pining over a man that gives you nothing and blocks love from entering your life.

    You say you dont share your feelings much outside of the blog, thats got to change right now, its the fastest way to shift your entire vibe and allow new people to enter. Yes it means stepping out of your comfort zone but you can do it in teeny baby steps. Thats what I used online dating for, practicing using authentic feeling messages about everything on as many people as possible. Rori recommends lots of short coffee dates, open up in public and talk to the service providers around you, share your feelings with everyone, eventually. Its such a brave thing to do. I was the most private, numbed-out self destructive girl pre Rori. It will all change when you decide to change. Ask yourself lots and lots of questions and answer honestly without beating yourself up!!



  197.  #197Mandy on August 13, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Emerson, I *really* feel you on the missing sexual attention and feeling lonely. I feel the need to express myself…Long explanation, bear with me, there is a point coming up..lol…I know I am a wordy writer, and I try to make it as concise as possible…I do realize many feelings when I write…

    Very recent scenario – As I was finishing watching one of my favorite TV shows last night, my guy had to go to bed early (no problem.) I was cool as a cucumber. But when a love scene came onto the TV, between two favorite characters of mine, I felt this feeling hit my heart so fast and deeply, I wept a bit, because I feel the way you do…LONELY! Ouch.

    But it’s so not J’s fault…you see…My guy and I just haven’t been able to be on the same page as each other when it comes to arousal. I’m like a 1-10 in 2 seconds flat kind of gal, and he’s more of a tantric, romantic, slow, guy. (He’s 42 – love an older man – and his sex drive has waned to the point of being almost non-existent, and I’m 33, at my sexual peak, it’s VERY normal for both sexes at those ages, and I’m just not sure how to suggest softly to him maybe the little blue pill may help us out.) But when I started shedding a few tears, it was because…what I truly want, is for him to be THAT close to me; it is that I miss him. I just miss him like a military wife who’s husband has gone away because he has to go fight a war or something. Which technically, he is…he’s fighting for his own survival (a steady job, which is also very normal right now for a LOT of
    men, as our society says is it manly to work, but our generation has been royally screwed with the economy so badly, we can’t afford to get married or have children.) It isn’t necessarily because I feel like less of a woman, which is what I assumed. Funny though, realizing I am missing him actually feels better than it does assuming I am not attractive, to him (I am, he says so, and I have no reason to not trust that.) Maybe I should just tell him I miss him. And realize I am missing something that is only out of the picture because of biological/psychological reasons, nothing more, and an be helped, if suggested in the appropriate manner. Normal stuff, nothing to freak out about, not the end of the world.

    I feel strongly, we just crave for a man to be that close to us, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul, passionate and vulnerable together. The walls come completely down when it happens and you are just two vulnerable souls trying to get as close as possible. Who wouldn’t? With me personally, especially when you are so deeply in love, and the man is very attractive, and sweet as can be…and just pretty well charms the pants off of you every night with his very intricate, delicious meals he cooks, the romantic talks together out on the porch sipping on something and watching the bats in the sunset…and holding each other watching television. It really is sweet…and one wonders why he won’t allow more intimacy – but I sense that if I continue this romance with him it will happen, it almost did the other night, we just weren’t on the same page with the arousal. It’s not about me at all, and he says actually he feels just as awful because he can’t fulfill me like I need. So that probably makes it worse for him. Poor guy! I just want to hold him.

    I just feel like I am missing out on all that goodness. I don’t feel I deserve to, I feel very worthy of this attention, and I know I deserve it, so that’s the big kicker. But I thought to myself earlier this morning, RELAX… it’s JUST SEX! Right? J and I just both need to STOP worrying and just let go!

    Emerson, you may very well feel that way, you KNOW you are a white-hot feminine Siren and that you totally deserve attention. It feels kind of good to know you deserve it, right? That’s actually a good problem to have, I feel. It is much better than fearing you are sub-par, I feel.

    So I really, really feel you there, it is SO normal. You may feel better to get a tiny taste of attention elsewhere, i.e., circular dating, which just means practicing flirting your eyes a touch, staying open and choosing what you would like to do next and next. I know coming from me this is a touch hypocritical, because I’ve been so scared to do it, but in the last week I have tried it, I asked a male friend if we could catch up sometime and I will have a conversation with the person who comes to fix things in the apartment about the local music scene, and believe it or not, it is kind of fulfilling, even though it seems like nothing at all. You sort of feel like the Belle of a Ball, and I understand now why it is fulfilling to J to have an innocent conversation with a female co-worker. He may well feel totally like THE man, in that situation. 🙂 It feels good to feel liked, talked to, and considered by others, even if it is innocently friendly! It isn’t just a feminine thing, it’s human, to need human contact. nothing wrong with it…we are social animals.

    So…perhaps…gently try a tiny touch of CDing…are you comfy with it? If you will, I’ll keep up on it too..and we can give each other updates maybe? 😉 Also, female friends help, you can shake off some feelings and joke with them about life and have a laugh and enjoy yourselves together and just have a moment to forget your worries. I definitely always need a break from my worries.

    (Sometimes I really really wish I could get together with the ladies on this blog and just have a round-table discussion…seriously..if I had a million dollars…I’d fund it…LOL 🙂 That would be pretty fun actually!)



  198.  #198Mandy on August 13, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Nessie – I totally notice that. I went onto facebook and said…”I feel so awful when I feel like a bull in a china closet with people’s delicate sensibilities…but I try not to close down…*feeling exhausted*”, and then a male friend of mine commented, saying, “You are awesome, don’t forget it! :)” And I told him it felt good to hear it once in awhile.

    I believe a man may feel very helpful in a masculine sense there, and so when they notice a female needs help, they rush to the rescue, a tiny bit. Rori says men love helping out women.

    Kind of a giant silver lining to the cloud, isn’t it?



  199.  #199Dominique on August 13, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Mandy – 42 is FAR too young for libido to be waning. Unless he has a medical condition, this is not something a blue pill can fix.

    K is well into his fifties, and though he may not be raring to go four times a day as when in his twenties, four times a week easily.

    Also sexual peaks for women can be at any age. Thirties, forties, fifties, even sixties.

    xxoo



  200.  #200Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Kim,,#190
    Yes, I will share!!! ;~}



  201.  #201Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Kyla #195…
    “ask yourself lots and lots of questions”
    I agree… this is helping me find MY feelings and Love them!!!

    Kyla, how is the Great West treating you and your kids and Ninja?



  202.  #202Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 10:36 am

    thank you Dominique… LOVE hearing this!!
    I’m 62 and have been peeking MY whole life!!! ;->

    and the guys I’m dating now are 58 & 60 and they ARE READY to go!!!



  203.  #203Mandy on August 13, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Dominique –

    I realize I know of many men, of many ages, and relationships, like my parents, in which the guy is 66 and STILL doesn’t need a pill…amazing really…my dad still doesn’t associate his feelings with his libido, and that may be why…

    But I know his dad takes the pill, and his parents are very open about it, and so I just thought maybe it’s either that or just him feeling low/out of control with things (His dad deals with depression and feelings of uselessness a lot, as does J, so I thought maybe that might help, that it might be genetic, etc). J’s therapist told him it is likely he is feeling burnt out and out of control, and therefore not so manly. I remember you saying the job thing was very important to this issue.

    I came to that conclusion it is just very important to me to realize it is out of my control, and doesn’t necessarily mean he feels like I’m gross or something. The gross feeling just makes me want to be a hermit and not CD, and not be in public and just hole up in my room. Then the feeling of it being all on account of me feels like too much, I just want to tell it to go away and ignore it, get angry and spiral into deep anger and freak out…anger is very hard for me to deal with. I feel it SO much… So I would like to consider the possibility this isn’t my fault completely, that there may be another influence apart from me, even though I may be off with the outside influence.

    Does that make sense? I feel like I may not have to assume or choose to feel responsible, or to run and pick up the paddles, because responsibility and acting on it is very masculine.

    Although when I think and feel about the blue pill more, it may feel like a band-aid or another quick fix…or a way to pick up the paddles…He may not feel like taking it because it may feel demeaning or mechanical. Some guys don’t care, but J is very feely and very sensitive, so I can VERY well see that happening, as J is VERY much a romance guy, and ties his feelings in with his arousal, contrasting the fact I do not usually associate my feeling well emotionally with my ability to become aroused, so it may well NOT work for him, and I might be getting my hopes up and feel let down again after pushing the issue.

    Hm. He totally opened up the other night and said he was feeling in the mood, which was awesome, but I got too excited, and was embarrassed when it stopped…OOPS. I still feel worried I totally messed it up and it won’t happen again for six months. I got upset and then told him I was sorry I rushed it and hope he can still feel open to it another time, and that maybe we just need to break the ice again with it, and realizing internally I just need to breathe and let him do the work as he would like to do it, not just throw myself into it all at once. He is really into being very slow and calm. It really seems to feel very nice for him to be as SLOW as possible. I get that, in another way besides arousal, because I am a high anxiety person, and need to learn to “be still’ or remember it… he being older than I by almost ten years, he has experience with the mantra, “be still’, and I have learned this from him. I still kind of have yet to out-girl him…this one is a BIG challenge. Sometimes I pull it off by being silent for more than ten minutes. He almost immediately comes to grab my hand or kiss me then. When I was just being me and calm, he felt a little arousal, he felt it would be fun to bring some passion into the evening.

    I guess it is like if you want to pet a cat who isn’t comfy yet, you wait quietly for the cat to approach you and maybe occupy yourself with something else, then they approach, you hold your hand out, they sniff, then lick your hand, then rub their head against your hand, and then they relax a little and allow you to pet them more. If I can learn to do that, I may well be thriving with femininity.

    I might have to set up a personal email again soon here with you…just a head’s up…MUCH love and SO good to hear from you 🙂



  204.  #204prplpsn28 on August 13, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Indigo…I totally underatand what your saying…I really do. I’m just finding it hard to wrap my head around the faxt that it took him 3 yrs to figure out that we aren’t a fit.



  205.  #205Dominique on August 13, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Mandy – This is NOT your fault, none of it. TRULY.

    I would love to talk with you when you’re ready.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  206.  #206Mandy on August 13, 2014 at 11:35 am

    PS –

    Ew…I was just thinking about the last blog, and how I should take care in not eating any powdered Stevia sweetener or Splenda, one with the corn product maltodextrin, and the other chemical, they inhibit my ongoing slow weight loss (15 lbs out of 65 total left), or too much sucralose, which also makes me itch like crazy.

    I cut out sugar and all starches long ago, except veggies and some fruits, and so sucralose and maltodextrin are very common things put into other sweeteners like powdered Stevia. It was just the right thing to go with the most natural, raw, whole foods, to eat clean and to get plenty of rest and water. I could have been facing a Heart Attack, Stroke, Cancer, Diabetes, etc., if I didn’t change, because eating all this sugar, starch, and “un-food” gave me metabolic syndrome, hormone imbalances and and cavities. Ew. Corn products…darnit…they sneak them into seemingly natural products even…yucky…makes me feel icky…gotta keep reading those labels!

    Me, to myself, jokingly – “No you will not have a donut, it is vulgar…” Lol. 🙂

    It doesn’t usually hurt me to have one bite of something, but I still have dreams at night of eating bunch of pizza or cake though, and being like uh-oh, afterwards! But I just don’t want it in real life. It really just makes my whole system go berserk!

    Still need the Thyroid out though, it is pre-cancerous.
    So that will be something I also need to stay on top of, taking the Thyroid meds.



  207.  #207Mandy on August 13, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Dominique –

    SO very good to hear…not my fault gave me goose bumps and a warm feeling! I’m going to run with it! 🙂



  208.  #208Azure Blu on August 13, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Kim….
    FYI!!! Spiritcd text me today and asked me out for Thur & Fri…
    It’s good to lean back!!! :-)}



  209.  #209Violette on August 13, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    S left some missed calls last weekend and said he missed me and wants to see me. I didn’t reply. I have no idea what to say to him.



  210.  #210Kim on August 13, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    207 wow Azure Blu that was instant! So cool!!
    He booked you for two days in a row? Yaaaayyyy 🙂
    His ship is crashing on your rocks and soft sands 😉

    I feel sooooo much better after an afternoon on the beach. My Condo is almost back to before the watr damage, shame it took an attorney to get them to act and my pleading did not. Sad world we live in.

    Anyway, loved my beach afternoon.

    No news from wildchild.
    I am seeing this as a gift. The gift to make me see clearly, that the weekend was, all in all not focused on my needs or my sensitivity. I tagged along. I was judged and he got angry due to my situation.

    I noticed that some of my other CD’s, when we spend time together, make it about me. Ask me what I want, look for my approval and look to make me happy.

    So, I feel so grateful that he gave me the space to realise that I don’t want a man who gives me space lol.
    Makes sense?
    He is still growing up. He was looking for another warm nest, after his ex. Maybe we could have done some growing up together, but I feel certain that he knows what he can do and I know what I can accept and perhaps we are both realising, with a bit of space, that although there is ‘love’ and ‘like’ amd intimacy and chemistry, we are not suited.

    Now exercising and cleaning house.
    I read ‘The Power of Now’ and it helped me SO much



  211.  #211MovingMagic on August 13, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    I’ve been taking belly dancing classes and it’s soooooo fun!
    The movement is very different from the Brazilian/Samba I love so much.
    I’m also looking into pinup photography sessions.
    Why not?!
    Exploring sexuality and sensuality is fun and feels right.
    Being at this place within myself feels freeing and easy.

    Though I look at life as a journey the road feels far less shaky than it has in the past.



  212.  #212Liquid Light on August 13, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Thanks for your input ladies on the dinner invite from Architect. I texted him back that I didn’t feel comfortable with going over to his home yet and that I really appreciated the invite and that I would love to do something else…He texted back that he understood, and that he wants to do something else too. Yay! So I really appreciate everyone’s feedback on this, it really helped!

    Also, on the job front, I just had a bit of success with my first project. We are engaging another company to help with the design of their application, and we have been spinning our wheels with their designs and not making much progress. I worked on an alternate version which I presented today (so nervous) and the team really liked them! So we can move forward! woohooo!!!!



  213.  #213Femininewoman on August 13, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Hey MovingMagic



  214.  #214Kyla on August 13, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Hi Azure Blu!!!!

    I am feeling so happy here exploring our new home, adding a touch of magic to simple family day trips and dancing with the constant chaos and flux of settling in and rolling with the delays and set backs as best we can, patience being a virtue and all that 🙂 I have an exciting job interview tomorrow, was asked to interview for branch manager by the VP who’s flying in especially to meet with me even though I’d applied for a lesser position so I feel tingly nervous excitement at the prospect and my confidence levels are soaring!

    How are things with you m’lady? I am finding it hard to find time to catch up but once Ninja’s kids go back to their mom’s, my kids are back to school and we settle into more of a routine I will be back to my old spamming habits lol xoxo



  215.  #215Beloved on August 13, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    omg Sirens, Rori principles are working for my job situation.
    I gave a work version of a no-girlfriend speech to the place I’m temping, because they made noises about hiring me permanently and were dragging their feet.

    The message I got from them was “we are not going to pay that outrageous buyout fee that we forgot was in the contract.” So, I did what any siren would do, continued to show up to work, since I liked it, it suited me and I wanted to.

    And I also checked out my other options. I’m not exclusive with this company, lol. I enrolled in school and the VERY MINUTE, **LITERALLY**, I called the temp agency to tell them I would only be working the assignment a few more days, the company I temp for, having had NO conversation about this for weeks, was also calling the temp agency to talk about my buyout fee.

    I was at lunch and called the temp agency, and the receptionist said my rep was on the phone with the HR person from where I’m assigned right at that very moment! So I asked to hold, and after a few minutes I told them the deal and they told me what the conversation was about.

    Seriously, a few weeks ago these people first asked me to go to my agency and talk them down from their fee. I said, no, I don’t feel comfortable with that.
    Then they asked me if I would take a pay cut that they would make up for in “other ways”, in order to get a lower feel. I said no, I don’t feel comfortable with that, that sounds deceptive and besides, I am worth every penny, I don’t feel comfortable in negotiating for lowering my own value. Hmpf.

    Kept showing up, also keep school and a possibility for working in another state in my ‘rotation’.

    So, after all of that brouhaha a month ago, they completely changed their tune from “no we are not going to pay that ridiculous fee” to “please can we have the fricking privilege of paying that fee PLUS giving you a $3,000 raise???

    I’m already enrolled in school, and yet the benefits and money, security and stability of the job offer are enticing.

    School requires a greater leap of faith.
    The idea of going to school and so much unknown strikes me with such deep feelings of terror I feel like vomiting. Literally, getting out of my comfort zone and into deep discomfort 🙂

    The last time I felt like this, was when I screwed up my flight plans and chose to spend an extra $400 so I wouldn’t miss the retreat I went to.

    That turned out okay.

    Hmm..
    I need to meditate with this for a bit.



  216.  #216Beloved on August 13, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    It feels good, very very good, to have someone sit across from me saying, “You are valuable, you are really really valuable to me, to this company.”

    I AM valuable, and the more I act like I know it, the more life reflects it back to me.

    Such a long way from feeling like I was garbage.

    I love love love myself.
    Thank you, Belle, thank you thank you thank you
    lovelovelove
    yumyumyum



  217.  #217Kim on August 13, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Beloved. I love this. Inspiring!



  218.  #218Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Azure Blu # 184

    “for ME when I began sharing on Siren Island…
    I was feeling MUCH better about ME
    and felt more confident being Vulnerable…”

    I can totally relate with this! I do feel that part of the reason I have finally decided to start participating on here is due to my increased confidence, and I feel that the majority of that confidence came from what I’ve learned here!

    The messages I’ve kept reading, though stated in different ways, are always “it’s okay to be me” “it’s okay to love me” “it’s okay to love my faults”, I’ve actually said to myself in my head at times “I love that I am stubborn”, “I love that I am acting childish”, “I love that I am a brat”, and as soon as I tell myself that, it feels okay.

    I didn’t realize until recently how much progress I’ve made…but I can see the baby steps it took to get here, and it feels great! I’m excited to see how much further I will get!

    Did you realize how much progress you were making as you went along, or did it just hit you one day as it has with me?



  219.  #219Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Femininewoman # 185

    My initial reaction to your comment was to be somewhat defensive and think “nuh uh! I’m not pleading for a connection! I don’t want attention or to be talked to!”…but actually…upon going deeper into my feelings, I realize you might be right…it feels good to have something new to consider while trying to figure out what’s really lying under the barriers I “think” I put up when grouchy…thanks!



  220.  #220Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Dominique # 192

    Hmm…it does sound very simple, and I’ve heard of not having expectations or an agenda, but I don’t know how to consciously feel that way. I mean, the times I feel “bad” and just “don’t care”, it seems to JUST happen, it’s not anything I try to do, not sure if I make sense? I’ve noticed how I think I behave during my “off” days, but I don’t know what to look for or notice on my “non-off” days…I feel frustrated at not knowing how to articulate what I’m trying to say…in short, how can I BE real and authentic ALL THE TIME without feeling that I have to consciously DO it?



  221.  #221Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    Indigo # 193

    “People feel safe with you when you’re not so concerned with what other people think of you, you’re just completely honestly being YOU.”

    This makes me feel hopeful yet annoyed at the same time…lol! I HAVE found that the people who I have been most myself with in my life have been the ones who have appreciated me most, but I can’t figure out exactly what it is that I do so differently when I AM concerned with what other people think of me. I’m hoping the realization comes to me with time since I have made some huge leaps in my self-awareness since my last relationship ended, but for now, it’s like…ARGGG!



  222.  #222Nessie on August 13, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Mandy # 198

    I think you’re right, I just need to notice it more I guess.

    Just last Friday, I hung out at a bar with my friend, M, who has been having trouble in the love department as I have. He was telling me about a girl he recently started seeing and kept texting her and seemed really excited about her, and I felt this tension because I wasn’t sure what to say other than “that’s good” and “I’m happy for you”, and he seemed a tiny bit off too but continued. Finally, in a moment of awkward silence, I blurted “Ok I’m jealous!” and he was taken aback and said “what?! why?!” and I said “because I wish I was seeing someone too!” and the vibe suddenly shifted, he tried to downplay how awesome he was feeling by saying he felt insecure and was afraid she might be too much of a good thing, and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me, so everything felt so light and connected rather than awkward and heavy the rest of the night.

    I just thought of another time a man tried to make feel better and I noticed it at the moment and it felt SO sweet, even though it was so simple and seemingly meaningless. I took my car in for routine maintenance and have locks on my tires, and the service man came to me asking where I kept the key. We went over to the car and I told him I like to keep it with the rest of the tire tools in the trunk, then “I’m sorry, I know people usually keep it in the glove compartment, right?” and though his expression pretty much said YES, he actually said “well, I imagine some people that don’t feel safe keeping it in the compartment would want to keep it somewhere else, so it actually makes a lot of sense where you kept it, I guess I didn’t look well enough, so I’M sorry” and I immediately recognized he was trying to reassure me so I couldn’t help but to smile real big, and he puffed up a little and smiled back.

    I feel smiley now remembering it… 😀



  223.  #223Veronica on August 13, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    A friend asked if I could drive all the way to meet him at a place much closer to him. I checked in with my own feelings and shared with him that that was too far for me and that I had already planned my day around the area we were originally meeting at. He decided to make a plan to meet me at where we originally planned. I feel so good having expressed myself and for taking care of myself.



  224.  #224Millie on August 13, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Indigo 176– I’m so glad you understand. I really don’t feel comfortable sharing some of those icky feelings. I did confide in a friend the other day, I’ve known her for four months and finally told her about Mechanic, as she is a mutual friend. She was surprised, so at least I hid it well! I also shared with her how low my self-esteem is with men and how worthless and boring I feel. I don’t see why a man would choose to be me. She is a very radiant person, so it was difficult to tell her these things, at the end of it all, I feel jealous of others. But I don’t really want to share all of these things with people. I don’t want pity or worse to write me off because who wants to be around a person who is constantly aware of their failures with men. And if I told my mom, she’d worry and try to fix it in ways I do not want. I feel like I’m two people, one who is depressed, and the other who sees how stupid I’m being and is totally objective and positive about solution oriented. I guess what it really comes down to…the truth seems to be..is that I don’t want people to know these things about me, I don’t want them to know I’m feeling this way, that I’m so low on the totem pole. So, I’m not sure what I’m doing here anymore, obviously not utilizing the tools.

    Kyla–196 Your words sound so warm and comforting, thank you for sharing your solution and how you changed. It sounds wonderful…I just don’t think I can do it. I don’t really have the desire to go back to online dating and the idea of sharing how I feel at every moment sounds terrifying. Especially those moments where something turns me off so much I’d leave. But I don’t leave, I don’t say anything because I don’t want drama everytime I go out. I feel like storming out a lot…so much that I know it’s me being triggered, not the other person being a jerk. Anyway, I’m going dancing tonight and I’ve taken up horseback-riding, which thrills me to pieces! It’s my new calling in life… So, I am out enjoying my passions!



  225.  #225Millie on August 13, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Beloved, I loved reading about how the tools helped you at work!! That’s so awesome! Yay to sticking to what you are worth and getting even more than you bargained for!!! Congratulations!



  226.  #226Emerson on August 13, 2014 at 11:12 pm

    197
    Aw Mandy thank you for you kind words to me! It feels so good to read. I feel open to cding and I just need to get out more. I deleted my online profile so I need to find a way to meet more men. Thank you again for your words my heart feels warm 🙂



  227.  #227Emerson on August 13, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Azur blue
    Thank you for responding to me!
    I try to limit phone convos to ten minutes per roris recommendation …



  228.  #228Indigo on August 13, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Mandy,

    I really feel your pain when I read your posts. Not having sex with your man must be a very difficult place to be.

    One thing that jumped out at me as I was reading your posts, is that you would benefit from developing calm, stillness, relaxation – I really feel your anxiety is your own worst enemy here. Some good tools for this are yoga, meditation, long walks in nature, breathing exercises, visualisations, calming music… in fact there are so many things to try that encourage calmness and relaxation. I have found this to be so essential when you have a man who is more sensitive sexually. D is like that – very sensitive sexually, and it is absolutely essential that I feel him in each moment and let him take the lead. We have an awesome sex life. And I can only do that by being fully relaxed and open in his presence. Tension is the enemy of sexual enjoyment when it comes to a man like that.

    Just something to think about 🙂



  229.  #229Veronica on August 14, 2014 at 12:01 am

    ((((((((((Millie)))))))) – I didn’t know that you felt this way – I thought you were doing well- not continuing to sleep with Mechanic, shutting off contact with a very questionable engaged ex, warding off the advances of musicians who were already involved, realising that female frenemies in Mechanic’s circle are not helping you, getting a job you like (and are challenged by).



  230.  #230Millie on August 14, 2014 at 12:22 am

    Veronica I am doing all of those things! You are correct! I am not sleeping with him! The female frenemie has moved away! I cut off contact with crazy ex and booty call neighbor! No more musicians for lovers! I love my job! I love to dance, sew, draw, and ride horses!



  231.  #231Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 12:30 am

    Millie 230,

    That all sounds wonderful.

    Just remember when it comes to opening up to people about how you feel, EVERYONE has experienced those low, low-value, not good enough feelings that you are describing. I used to feel the same way – that I couldn’t bear to lose what grace and self-esteem I felt I still had in the eyes of others by opening up to them and being honest.

    But other people struggle with the exact same things as you. The ones who pretend that they don’t are probably the ones who struggle most of all. Opening up and being vulnerable reveals how similar you are to other people, and how you are so not alone, and people respect and love you more for being brave and vulnerable, not less.



  232.  #232Sophie on August 14, 2014 at 1:52 am

    yay I can get back on the blog! I feel like the doors have opened! For some reason since the new post went up I couldn’t access it except for on my phone – there were so many times I wanted to comment but typing on my phone feels frustrating

    I love the exchange you and Veronica just had Millie – it reminded me to look for the things that I am doing well too. I have been feeling pretty worn out and melancholy and then it’s really easy for me to focus on all the things I’m not doing or I’m not doing well enough making myself feel worse but just like you there’s this whole other side where yay! I am doing well enough

    Beloved – that is so great about your job situation – this is where I need to go with my whole life – Cding the world ‘what would a siren do?’

    Azure Blu – how great that SpiritCD stepped up – Friday and Saturday woo hoo I feel excited to see the development



  233.  #233Linda on August 14, 2014 at 5:28 am

    On the subject ofCDing. Over the years I have planted seed after seed with my daughter about CD’ing. She has been through heartbreak after heartbreak. She was completely closed to the idea and was even at times hostile with me about it telling me to never bring it up again.

    After her last love interest dropped her and then within 2 weeks began posting pics of him and his new exclusive girlfriend She said she was tired of the same old Sh!t. Here she was, crying over a guy who said he cared so much for her but just wasnt “happy with his life” and could be in a relationship right now after pusuring her for months……. She joined match.

    She is meeting guy after guy. Her energy is different. She is smiling. I am watching her transform and blossom. She said she isn’t really feeling anything for any of them, which really is perfect for now. She has some other attitudes shifting toooo… all for the better and behaving is starting to behave like a siren. I told her, lean back (explained that concept)…and enjoy the attention from all these “men”. She is. I feel happy for her!



  234.  #234Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Millie I am wondering how much you talk to yourself?

    How much you use some of Rori’s mantras?

    “My body is like a lush garden of attractiveness that every man wants to dive into,”

    I wonder because these talks and mantras are some of things that have helped me to change my thinking about myself. It feels like a heavy ball in my stomach reading some of your posts.



  235.  #235Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Ugh. So wildchild poofed, spectacularly, compared to all his ‘being in contact all the time’ stuff beforehand.
    And I also seemingly have the answer.
    I just saw something leading me to conclude that he is not just going with ‘any’ single girls on a trip, but with one of his exes, who recently got divorced (beautiful, a model), and who I think he was texting when we were together….he told me they talk a lot and that she ‘still loves him’, but he wouldn’t date her again…uh hum.
    There is a reason for everything. I am happy that I saw that because for me, that is such a turn-off and I wouldn’t feel happy being in a relationship or indeed living together with a guy who was all over the place like that.
    Kinda odd that he took me up there, to meet the parents etc…
    I think he poofed because he realized that I would never put up with that kinda thing.
    I feel a little deceived and angry, and a little nauseous and also sad, but mostly I feel like:
    dodged a bullet.

    Onwards and upwards. Mixture of bad feelings ugh.



  236.  #236Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Linda,

    YAY for your daughter!

    The same thing happened to my best friend, who is a beautiful, vivacious, lovely woman with so much to offer. I witnessed her go through heartbreak after heartbreak with men who had no desire to make her happy, and after her last heartbreak, which was devastating, when the time was right, I directed her to Rori’s blog. She started reading the articles and putting the tools, especially leaning back, into practice.

    She has been with a wonderful man now for 6 months, who is doting and adoring. They are inseparable and she is the happiest I’ve ever seen her.



  237.  #237Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:12 am

    Focus on me focus on me.
    Looking for jobs
    Dealing with attorneys and my Condo
    Looking forward to a weekend with my older CD who wants to do something together.
    Forget wildchild
    Redirecting thoughts.
    Hoping he doesn’t come back…please, thank you.



  238.  #238Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Kim,

    Could it be that this man is simply not ready for a real commitment, hence this all over the place stuff?

    That’s what it looks like to me. A man who is not really ready to settle down yet and emotionally commit.



  239.  #239Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 6:25 am

    Kim – yuck. Just plain yuck. Don’t spend any of your energy of any could it be’s about him.

    The one thing I’d suggest is to set higher standards for yourself around sex and going off on weekends with men. I believe that men who really want you will respect your boundaries and wait for your readiness. Those who don’t will not wait around for sex.



  240.  #240Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Indigo..possible.
    Though, he was actually someone who (this has been rare in my life) brought up all the big-ticket items and himself mentioned he wanted to settle down.

    I guess there is a difference between wanting and doing..talking and action.

    In the end, he seemed confused. Looking for attention elsewhere, not sure where he wanted to move, buying so and so many domain names for future businesses (so many different ideas)…I guess that is his character. Many people, many ideas, can’t pin him down.

    I am thinking that type of man would have always had me off balance and in a drama situation…it seemed he liked the excitement and rollercoaster..to me that is unavailable man stuff.

    I want easy, feel-good, communicative, focus on me not exes and others…so really, he did me a favor ‘giving me space’….and seeing what is happening now: invaluable.
    Had he clung to me, and we had been together, and he would now spring all this stuff on me, I e going on holiday with his ‘hot ex’, I would be completely off balance and feeling awful.

    As it is, it doesn’t feel great but I have been removed, so it’s just a niggle.



  241.  #241Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:32 am

    239..FW, yes I would agree..though there was an element of me being spontaneous too, I liked him, he was cute and I love going away for weekends.

    It could have worked out, I had to try. Tried, didn’t work out, moving on….

    Yes, it is yuck. I actually felt sick to my stomach when I saw what I just saw and honestly, I am so sure all this communicating went on when we were together…he was on his phone 24/7 and believe me, I tried to redirect my focus, but in the middle of the night when it’s dark and a phone screen stares you in the face, you can’t help but feel weird. He said something about a male friend…lol…I think I saw that girl’s name (without even wanting to, like I said it was dark). I told myself not to be paranoid. Well, there you have it. Now they are going on holiday LOL.

    I love my intuition. I love my ‘off’ feelings.
    I love being able to see someone’s character early on, and giving them a second chance to be proven right with my initial assessment.

    Most of all I love being able to recognize the good things coming my way…and appreciating them…and still being able to move on.

    I am looking forward to spending a weekend with someone who makes it all about me…and wants to please me and make me happy. 🙂
    Moving on!!!

    Yuck indeed!!!



  242.  #242Kath on August 14, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Hi Ladies,

    Its been far too long-I’ve been totally out of the loop. I have been working on myself and trying to understand the problems my man and I have with communication and understanding each other. It has come to a head on a couple of occasions and I have felt very hurt by his rolling of eyes which make me feel bad and stupid and I have built my wall of defence a bit bigger it has to be said. I attended a workshop in February about Autism and was floored by what I learned. I suspected that my man is further down on the scale than I am and recently started seeing a pschologist to see if I could learn some tools. It turns out that it is my Mother who is more than likely autistic and I am reacting to the things she did and throwing up all sorts of insecurities and disappointments with my man because I feel reminded of times when I have been hurt, frustrated, confused and angered by her behaviour and words. My man does try to get me but he doesn’t and I don’t really re-assured that he loves me for who I am. Just this last saturday we had a family party and afterwards said that he hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he should have done because of me. I immediately felt bad and asked him why it was my fault and he said that because we’d had a disagreement about a guest bringing a dog with her it could’ve turned into a full scale row if we’d not had family nearby. I was stunned!- I thought he had asked me whether it was alright for the dog to come and I said it wouldn’t be fair because we’d already said no to another guest. However, he’d already told the guest she could bring the dog if she kept it on a leash!- I said it would have been nice if he’d asked me rather than making the decision and then just telling me about it. He then got angry because he translated that to be him not asking for my permission which really made me angry and before you know it, we’re not talking!!- Grrrr!!!!- Now I just feel really misunderstood and like pooh and am bored of going round the same circles. I am actually thinking it might be better if we go our seperate ways!!



  243.  #243Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 6:39 am

    “to me that is unavailable man stuff”

    To me that is drama king stuff who will always be looking for excitement or fun somewhere else while he goes through this phase of his life. Maybe unsure of his mission in life.

    I wonder what the lesson is for you?



  244.  #244Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Kim,

    I have known men who talked a big game about marriage and commitment, who had even been engaged and lived with women, who were just as emotionally unavailable as the best of them.

    As you say, talk is cheap. Commitment is revealed over time.



  245.  #245Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:47 am

    243 FW and 244 Indigo…couldn’t have said it better myself. Totally believe this.

    243 – actually FW, he has been like that all his life. At nearly 40, he won’t change, no matter what visions he has. Instead of trying to build something with one person or get his life on track (remember he still lives with an ex), he elects to go on holidays with more exes and women friends? Lol. There is no way that would have space in my life. No frigging way. Not for me.

    I don’t even see ‘potential’ there, which is what gets us women stuck so often. No actions, no potential, luckily I can’t get stuck on that.

    Yeah, chemistry and fun etc. Heck, I can get that anywhere anytime with a man, nothing special for me to cling to.

    Next!



  246.  #246Linda on August 14, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Kim… you were indeed given a gift. Seeing a man as he is being himself. It is not about you. Bullet dodged.



  247.  #247Kim on August 14, 2014 at 7:02 am

    246 Thank you Linda. I agree.
    I feel much lighter now.
    A load has lifted.

    It also meant that my financial solution to help with keeping my Condo, has now disappeared, and interestingly, that doesn’t even faze me. I know I can work something else out, I know if I sell I have a nice nest egg in my pocket.

    No, it’s not going to be easy, but I can rely on myself. I won’t let ME down!



  248.  #248Dixie on August 14, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Kim,

    Sending a giant hug… I know the “discoveryuck” feeling but it sounds like you’re holding your centre together… I love the feeling of, at the very least, being able to trust your intuition. It shows that you totally have trust in your feelings.

    It also makes me believe that when the right guy stands in front of you, your intuition will also kick in and you’ll feel “that* even more strongly.

    xo.



  249.  #249Kim on August 14, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Thanks Dixie….as it happens, I have a really nice CD, we dated exclusively at one point but he is commitment shy so we are just casually dating now…he treats me really nicely and we are into the same things, and I am hoping it will cheer me up a bit this weekend 🙂



  250.  #250Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Yeah Kim. Cdating is not a risk. You have demonstrated clearly to us how to keep our sanity and allow the men to flow in and out of our lives.



  251.  #251prplpsn28 on August 14, 2014 at 7:34 am

    I think I posted this on the wrong thread.

    Rori says this in one of her programs: “when he gets the feeling of being made wrong he stops trusting. He doesn’t trust us to say straight out that we are impatient and frustrated. What he sees is an angry woman with a smile that doesn’t fit her feelings. And he’ll shut his heart.”

    I truelly believe this is what has happened with H. Why he has withdrawn completely. Sadly these were my actions the couple of weeks leading up to him ‘needing a break’. Can this be fixed? Is there anything I can do other then continuing to give him his space? I feel like I made him feel unsafe with me.



  252.  #252Kim on August 14, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Purple, this is not getting you anywhere.
    Focus on you not ‘him’ – he is gone.
    He will only be back, if at all, if you stop giving out so much fixing and pining energy.
    Sorry… 🙁



  253.  #253Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Purple,

    I agree with Kim. I know I sound like a stuck record, but let it go. You are not to blame.

    Dominique has a fabulous article on what to do when you think you and your man are done, and whether you are or not, the plan of action is the same. Focus on YOU, not him. On loving you, not him.



  254.  #254Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 7:54 am

    RE 252 – YEP



  255.  #255Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 7:57 am

    LL #212
    Wow!!! Girl….
    Soooo lovely to hear these good things in your life!
    Yay YOU!!!



  256.  #256Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:04 am

    Beloved!!!
    Lovely Siren… AMAZING events…
    thank you for sharing your work negotiations using the Rori tools…
    I have started taking crumbs for my design projects just to get things started 😐
    and I am feeling so BAD about selling my services for pennies!!!
    This is VERY important for ME to read!!



  257.  #257Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:16 am

    (((Milli #224))))
    Soft, lovely Siren…
    BUT YOU ARE USING THE TOOLS…
    Sharing YOUR warm, Vulnerable self with us here
    Is BRAVE and VERY authentic…

    You taking time to go horse back riding and dancing (your boy energy) for YOU!!!!
    You are growing and changing
    Yay YOU!!! ;-+



  258.  #258Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Sophie #232
    WELCOME back lovely Siren!!!
    So glad Siren Island is on your computer again!!!

    Thank you for those words of encouragement…
    Everyday I am so amazed by the magic of ME and Rori’s tools… the combo makes me Feel happy, brave, excited and awesome!!!
    I’ve NEVER been this content with my life before…
    and any time I feel differently
    I know what to do…
    Find the feeling
    Feel the feeling
    LOVE MY FEELING…

    All day today every time
    I felt anxious or agitated I noticed right away!!!
    I checked in to see what I was feeling
    and just centered myself and LOVED those feelings!!!
    right away I felt better!!
    ME. LOVING ME!!!



  259.  #259Oshun on August 14, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Ladies, ladies, ladies…

    And Rori, I have found this site and find myself reading posts from here almost daily. As of right now I am seeing a wonderful man, M, and have been for months. I have caught myself starting to be too available, initiating dates, contact, making it convenient for him to see me. One example was showing up at a concert we were both talking about going to but I decided the night of I didn’t want to go alone. He ended up going because he had something he needed to do there and was disappointed when I told him I wasn’t going. He sent texts throughout the night and even mentioned trying to get my name on the list so that I could come out and not pay. That was all I needed…an attempt, and I was up, in the shower, smelling divine, and headed to the venue. (Looking back at it I am SMH at myself!!!) I surprised him and he was excited to see me but we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together because he was busy. My first mistake, in my opinion, was going (alone) and allowing myself to be monopolized by him. Smh… fast forward, I tell him a few days after that I enjoy spending time with him and want to feel close and that seeing him once every 1-2 weeks isn’t working. He says it will get better. I won’t get into everything he has going on because it’ll feel like I’m making excuses for him. No man is ever THAT busy. I said how I felt stepped back…then invited him out during the weekend. I know! I know! And he couldn’t make it. I felt so bummed and frustrated because he wasn’t moving fast enough. He apologized immensely and could tell I was disappointed. Since then I have been on Rori’s blog like mad. I’m going to another show this weekend and if he’s there, great but unless we go together, I will be walking around and mingling. I also met a man, E, who I have no interest in but it wouldn’t hurt to try this CDing out. I’ve also added my male friends to the CD list. One sends messages daily but he’s married (a line I do not cross) and unattractive but I have fun when we hang out so I allow myself to soak up that energy. Falling back is hard. I worry that if I fall too far back things will evaporate between M and I but I have to be okay with it if they do. I enjoy reading the comments and will keep you all posted.



  260.  #260Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Nessie…
    Love reading alll the great ways Rori’s tools and how you incorporate them in YOUR life, is working for you
    YAY SIREN!!!

    Yes, the relization of how far I have come and changed really took a leap after the first year!!!

    BUT i was in the middle of sooo much rage, anger, confusion hating MY feelings and ME
    and when all of this began to swirl and change it was VERY scary and I didn’t think I was going to make it!!
    BUT because of THIS blog and rori’s coaches
    All day on THIS blog for 6 months…
    I have had such a break through that many people (and men too!!) AND my children and family tell me they notice…
    Also I CAN tell because of peoples’ reaction when they are with me!!
    Sighhhhhh… It is MAGICAL!!!



  261.  #261prplpsn28 on August 14, 2014 at 8:53 am

    I just can’t cope. Im done. Bye world



  262.  #262Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:53 am

    (((Kim)))
    Hugs and Kisses!!!
    You were sooo right with your intuition about WC!!

    and you gave him a 2nd chance which i think is a good idea depending on the person…
    I’m like you… when the guy is fun, I have chemistry and he’s saying the right things… It’s good to give it a try!!

    You were always good about holding YOUR boundaries…
    good for you…

    You are a poster child for Rori’s vision of cding with sweetness and grace!!!

    Soft on the outside…. Strong on the inside…
    I feel happy to see YOU are taking care of YOU with the condo and all…
    YOU ARE So AMAZING!!!



  263.  #263Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:00 am

    prpleprsn
    What do you mean?
    I feel VERY frightened reading this…
    Have you looked into counseling?
    Don’t forget about YOUR Children…



  264.  #264Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Purpleprsn

    Here is the number to call
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
    1-800-273-8255



  265.  #265Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Azure Blu, your comments feel so uplifting.

    Sometimes I think I am there, other times I feel down and hopeless, but I would agree with you…reading here on the blog and the many articles has helped me turn my dating life around and also influenced the way I look at myself generally.

    I still haven’t found my ‘the one’, but it is so nice to just not feel like I have to do anything or be anyone else but myself…that also my crappy feelings and drama queen feelings are okay. That it doesn’t matter what a man thinks, or why he does what he does, all that matters is how IT FEELS. How I feel in his presence. Good, loved, off balance, ignored, put-down, judged? How do I FEEL??

    It’s supposed to feel good, It’s not supposed to be hard. It’s not supposed to feel difficult, dramatic, off balance or scary.

    I think a large part of me equated that rollercoaster, excitement, and off-balance feeling with love, or at least a wanting to ‘turn it into’ love. To work at it like a job, to turn a man into what I see as ‘good for me’. Honest, loyal, loving etc. Well I learnt that some men just don’t have it. Chemistry is not all that. It is nothing without the substance behind it. It is shallow.

    Somehow, this struggling through love was not so much the case in my early 20’s or perhaps I was just lucky to be with lovely men, one in particular who had me on a pedestal and had my back – always. I feel lucky to be able to look at that and know it was there at least one time, and know how good it felt…and how easy it was. I know how it feels when a man, faced with 100 women all dressed up and made up at a ball, looks at me and says ‘there are a lot of nice women here but for me you are the most beautiful’ and he meant it, I could see it in his eyes. That feeling I got was indescribable. That is what I want. That is what I shall have and no less, else I see no point in doing this relationship thing.

    And when this stuff happens with wildchild, who doesn’t think one woman is enough and goes on vacations with others/texts ex lovers while with me…or MrP, who constantly used to point out other women who he thought were hot, and how I could be if only I did this or that…and all this crap…all this is just a huge crock of shit and I don’t give a rats arse about all the chemistry in the world. It will not inspire me to give an assclown any more time than he deserves….if I don’t risk getting stuck on him and he can show me a fun time, hey why not. But that will be all. Zero investment from me.

    I have chased, lowered my value, tried to be someone I am not. And now? Simply, I am going to be myself. I will graciously accept dates with men, and if it doesn’t feel good then I won’t see them again.
    I find it easier to be alone than to twist myself into a pretzel or having to content with guys who are not all in and need to keep other options open.
    I value myself too much.

    My time is precious to me. My sanity is precious to me.

    I am happy to have been in this frame of mind for about 2 years now. No, it isn’t always easy, yes I want what everybody else wants…I am just not prepared to lose myself for it ever again. I would rather be alone.



  266.  #266Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:04 am

    261…thanks Azure, I saw this after my rant to you lol.

    You’re the sweetest. I am smiling – a big grin right now.

    We need to take care of US first.
    Always.

    Men come and go.



  267.  #267Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Purple…that feels very bad to read.
    I feel nauseous.
    I hope you are ok.
    Mostly, I hope you find some help. No man should take us off balance like this, this has nothing to do with a man.
    You need to love you!!!



  268.  #268Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Azure..actually, I am more strong on the outside and soft on the inside lol..but working on it….

    I have to admit that I felt a little hopeful with the ‘weekend away’ and meeting the parents, and the marriage and kids talk and all that. Awwww…that felt really good for a change.
    Though, you know, it was just a lot of hot air, or at least it seems like it now…he got scared and it is ok to get scared. Much love to him, he is a confused boy. I hope he finds his peace, he just lost a really good woman 🙂



  269.  #269Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Kim your little rant have me dying with laughter.



  270.  #270Mandy on August 14, 2014 at 9:15 am

    It feels really good to be around the other Sirens here at this blog..I feel like we really kind of care for and take care of each other, and it’s really a beautiful thing – I have seen too many women squabble and hiss at each other over time! Thanks everyone…you rock so much.

    So I believe I handled yesterday in a very calm and feminine manner. I sort of dropped my energy levels and felt out the feeling of calm, and sort of melted into it, and stayed that way; I even decided I was going to tackle all the cleaning and leave J be for awhile. Of course after I out-girled him he came to me for kisses 🙂 I feel so adoring of him when he comes to me for attention. 🙂 It feels so good. I notice also, He isn’t into HUGE displays of emotion…this is drama to him, so I keep my reactions smaller than they usually are these days, giving the “water drips” back in the waterwheel and not giant buckets, adding water in myself, as it were…I felt very in tune and Sireny yesterday, as I had intended to do. 🙂

    Amazing how it works and so simple.

    I feel a lot better after yesterday, like maybe I do some control here with choosing emotions and just staying quiet for a little while and putting my attention to other things instead of just him all the time.

    I feel playful also because J is exhibiting playful behavior, i.e., when love scenes come onto the TV, we sometimes giggle and make jokes. That’s always been a great sign from him. Feeling playful for me is my forte – I think that is where my bright light really shines. An ex told me I have this bright light inside me and people will want some of it. Magic inside me. It is not the first time I’ve heard it…a photographer I work with and also my dad said the same thing…the twinkle in my eye that is loveable..I MUST remember it. If I can take anything from anyone, any wisdom at all, I need to take with me the knowledge that I have something special that people love, inside me, even though I may feel totally awkward and weird at times and sometimes say the wrong things out of anxiety.

    I guess when you are living together and both unemployed it can…hm…throw you back into your old ways of laser-focusing because you don’t have a choice you’re around them 24/7. Now that J has work, I have all this yummy time to myself to do what I need to do…get my hair done, get my surgery in order, etc.

    Feels good.

    I have a male friend I’d like to catch up with. I will have to be strong, as in let him know boundaries/how I feel etc. (He’s a strong flirt with a tendency to pressure, and if I do see him, I will definitely be talking about it on here – first CD in a long time.) So that will be a challenge, but if it means a good conversation with an attractive guy maybe it’s worth it to try. I’d at least like to catch up over coffee.

    I hope everyone is doing well today and sending my positive energy your way…:)



  271.  #271Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Kim…
    sooo interesting to read about the guy who

    “I was just lucky to be with lovely men, one in particular who had me on a pedestal and had my back – always.”
    That memory gives you knowledge and keeps you looking for that again…

    because I too had a man like that… I had NEVER experienced unconditional LOVE…
    It was life changing!! it is the memory of that man treating me like I am THE PRIZE, figuring out what I needed BEFORE i even knew…
    Taking such good care of everyone he loved!!!
    asked me to marry him right away (I told him to wait)
    He was killed in a car accident 10 yrs ago…

    I believe I can have that again!!!



  272.  #272Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Mandy
    Yay YOU!! You sound VERY sireny today!!!
    Lovely



  273.  #273Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:23 am

    268 FW, happy to please 🙂



  274.  #274Kim on August 14, 2014 at 9:27 am

    270 Azure Blu….OMG..I am so sorry.
    It feels so sad to hear your man’s life was cut short.
    You are so brave for pursuing that type of love…and being open to all the men who are coming towards you.
    So brave.
    I admire you.

    I also believe we can have that again, more, for me also, if for some reason it doesn’t happen for me, I just can’t settle for less. I can’t settle for something that doesn’t make me happy just to have a warm body in my bed.

    I feel happy about that. I feel happy for being self-sufficient and not needy.



  275.  #275Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 9:29 am

    RE 270 Oh my

    (((((((Azure Blu))))))



  276.  #276Mandy on August 14, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Indigo –

    Thank you, and I agree wholeheartedly; Anxiety has ALWAYS been my worst enemy, and the toughest card dealt to me. Ever since I was a tiny kid. Even at age 5, I used to stay up at night worrying about what scary things I’d seen on TV. I’d make myself go through all of it, emotionally, and just be frightened all night. I still make myself go through things emotionally in an obsessive manner when it comes to bad feelings, and I don’t even realize I’m doing it, one time my therapist told me, you do not have to go there emotionally with all your memories of scary things, and I thought, really, I don’t? 😛 It used to bring my grades down, ruin my relationships and friendships, and just basically turn me into a hermit.

    I am literally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tourette’s Syndrome, all of which are anxiety disorders. And I was treated by a therapist who taught me the same things as Rori – little by little exposing yourself to your fears so that you gain control over them, not holing up/closing off, and also doing square breathing and using optimistic imagery (like finding your happy place, and also, this image of a golden white healing ball of light that shines into you and nourishes every cell in you and fills you with love and patience, etc.)

    I am good at this when I put it into play. Sometimes I just get caught up in the action and forget, and go back to my old ways and wonder why thing’s aren’t going well, and wondering why I have a white-knuckle death-grip on life, lol.

    The anxiety I hope will go down naturally after I get my Thyroid out and regulate my meds. I just have to stay on top of it, meditate, breathe, riff. I know I can’t stand taking medicines that mimic calmness for me, because for one they erase your memory, two, they do not help you remember how to get into a relaxed state naturally, by yourself. I believe Rori is into helping people cultivate relaxation by themselves and she is a professional at it…when I did the Modern Siren, it was like a cool breeze on a hot, sweltering summer day…in a nice shady meadow with waterfalls…I swear I had not been that relaxed in ages, since I’d seen my very genius therapist who helped me out with Deep Relaxation Technique.

    I’d actually love to find a recording of a relaxation technique – remember relaxation tapes, with the imagery? “Lie down with your hands by your side…” I bet there’s like a Pod Cast out there or something…they really help!

    Smiles 🙂 Thanks Indigo, I always appreciate your insight, you’re great 🙂



  277.  #277Mandy on August 14, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Thank you Azure, that is a compliment coming from you 🙂



  278.  #278Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Purpleprsn #260

    PLEASE share on the blog that YOU ARE OK!!!

    Here is the number to call
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
    1-800-273-8255



  279.  #279Sophie on August 14, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Mandy – I struggle lots with anxiety too and many related pathologies – YouTube has tons of relaxation and meditation CDs I listen lots when I’m going to sleep

    (((purple))) let us know what is happening please – maybe we can try to help you?

    (((Azure Blu))) I have heard you mention your fiance before but my heart goes out to you with such a tragic loss. I agree with Kim I feel inspired that you have gone on and continued to work at keeping your heart open. And one of the many gifts I suppose he has given you is that you know such wonderful men exist



  280.  #280Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:48 am

    FW & Kim…
    Ohhhh… thank you sweet sirens sooo much for the hugs and kind thoughts!!!

    Grief and suffering are life changing.
    of course I am a much more tender and softer person for this…
    more understanding of the use of anti depressants
    more understanding of the ebb and flow of grieving



  281.  #281Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:50 am

    (((Sophie)))
    You are soo sweet to say this…
    0x0



  282.  #282Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Kyla #214
    Ohhh… it all sounds lovely and challenging…

    Good luck with this fabulous job interview!!
    Glad to hear YOU are feeling confident!!
    because YOU are AMAZING!!!

    Can’t wait till you’re back…



  283.  #283Sophie on August 14, 2014 at 10:04 am

    I want to do some playing in the meadow but instead I feel more like I’m stuck at sea manning a ship. I feel impatient and ungrateful. This turbulent time of masculine energy won’t last but I’m not appreciating it whilst it does!

    I can see the shore but I have no idea how I’m going to get there! Ticking things off the list with organising the house. Handed my notice in at work.

    I feel mentally and physically exhausted. And I’m fixing my feelings with eating food that makes me then feel worse and ordering loads of clothes from the catalogue that I can’t afford (I don’t feel that bad about that I need a booster:)). It’s so easy for me to get into negative cycles when I feel tired and overwhelmed. I tend to perpetuate fear and anxiety by constantly affirming how badly I’m doing rather than praising myself for how well I’m doing. And the more worn out I am, the more vulnerable and sensitive I am, and then I lose self confidence.

    Time to welcome in the new energy! And I cannot wait! House is organised to no longer be my home end of Sept. Notice handed in at work. And then the world is my oyster! Literally, where in the world shall I go? This is a nice feeling. These are nice thoughts. I have found a hippy beach in Mexico I might enjoy…or I stick with the mediterranean coast…the only thing stopping me with Mexico is money…surely there must be a way 🙂 we only live once – right?



  284.  #284Kim on August 14, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Azure Blu, you are really inspiring 🙂



  285.  #285Sophie on August 14, 2014 at 10:10 am

    I’ve been practising some Rori tools – My Portuguese CD stopped moved things forward in any way and was beginning to position me as email agony aunt so that one was ‘next!’

    I had an old ex of five years ago contact me which I felt curious about. It felt nice to be thought of – it also felt nice to know that as I’m going away I won’t be tempted to engage in any reconciliations – I found Rori after this particular ex

    B’s energy is all coming forward – with the house and helping around the house and helping me – maybe cos my energy was and is all completely withdrawn and focused on my future- strange but peaceful and pleasant



  286.  #286Kath on August 14, 2014 at 10:10 am

    I have a wonderful two days on my own now. Wasn’t supposed to-my man has gone away to a funeral-the first of his school friends. I was mad as hell when he told me he was going for two days but then I thought-hey, time for you. So I’m chilling and enjoying being in the house on my own. I have so wanted some me time, so I am going to enjoy it while it lasts. I don’t know if I can cope with the way he is so self centred and apparently oblivious to anything I say. He thinks up reasons for why bad things happen between us, why we argue or why I’m in a bad mood but then doesn’t hear or appear to believe me when I say the true reason why. I feel so lonely and misunderstood.



  287.  #287Kim on August 14, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Oh wow, the next thing I see is that wildchild went out Monday night…texted me, the last text, with the ex he still lives with…lol. Giving me space.



  288.  #288Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Kim remember you say he is always seeking attention? Maybe he is seeking negative attention trying to make you feel jealous.



  289.  #289Kim on August 14, 2014 at 10:25 am

    So my cool, calm and collected self just felt livid and I dumped him, telling him that thanks for the space, and yes, I do know what I want….and I DON’T want a guy who can’t make dates with me and gives me space to go out on couple dates with his ex, who still lives with him (the day after we got back from that weekend), or a guy who texts other women while in bed with me.
    Dumped.
    A$$hole.
    Thank you for listening.
    Now I just feel angry.



  290.  #290Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 10:25 am

    And I see everyday how much pain the Cinderella story creates for women. You’re told a story of this woman who is poor and not treated well. Then this prince comes and sweeps her off her feet and gives her beautiful jewels and carries her away to a grand castle. Her life instantly got better because a man came and saved her.
    And, she never had to worry about finances again – or work another day in her life – because the Prince magically took care of everything.

    http://attractyourking.com/truth-cinderella-money-story/



  291.  #291Kath on August 14, 2014 at 10:32 am

    I get called “Princess” when he thinks I’m being too demanding. I asked him when the funeral was and he told me tomorrow at 11am so I said he could still be home for Friday evening and we could have the weekend together (we haven’t spend time on our own for the last three weeks). But he said he was coming back Saturday afternoon. I said I thought that was pushing it a bit and that I had been looking forward to our weekend. He said we’d have loads of weekends together. That’s not the point is it- he got his way AGAIN!!!-Ah well, I shant hear from him so I’m not getting in touch with him. Guess we’ll just see him on sat at some point.



  292.  #292Kim on August 14, 2014 at 10:45 am

    No FW, he made it sound as though he went alone…he was trying to keep it quiet. Just a shame for him that the ex posted photos on fb.

    That’s it.



  293.  #293Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 10:57 am

    (((Kim)))
    Yeah… time to move on!!

    He is NOT the man for you! Too much deception and sneaky ways!! Ugg!!!



  294.  #294Veronica on August 14, 2014 at 10:58 am

    ((((((((((Purple))))))))))
    please let us know



  295.  #295Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 10:58 am

    FW #289
    Yes! I like this article



  296.  #296Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Sophie #284
    Ahhhh… the adventurer Siren!!!
    How exciting… I am feeling jealous..
    Yay you made this happen very quickly…

    Such an Amazing Siren to keep the focus off of B and All on YOU!!!
    the hippie beach in Mexico Sounds Fabulous.
    I think I remember reading something about that place awhile ago…
    the pictures were Beautiful!!!



  297.  #297Dominique on August 14, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Nessie – 220 – First of all I don’t know if it’s possible to be real and authentic all the time. It’s a process just like healing is, just like life is.

    Maybe next time you “just don’t care”, really check in, and see how this feels. See if you can recapture this feeling when you feel expectations arise.

    BEing in the moment helps, really being present. Allowing openness and curiosity as much as you can, i.e. flowing from moment to moment while you keep your all of your senses and your heart open to enjoying and receiving all the while knowing that if it really doesn’t feel good, you can leave at any time. You get to choose every step of the way.

    There are also ways of expressing yourself in ways others, men can hear which can easily shift a bad feeling situation into a good feeling one.

    xxoo



  298.  #298Kim on August 14, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Azure Blu…yikes, I still feel shocked.

    I mean the whole thing makes no sense. He wants to move in with me, talks marriage and everything else and then goes on couple dates with the EX that supposedly he has nothing going on with anymore (and his friends confirmed)?

    He must think all this is ‘normal’. So now, all the times he told me he was out to eat….I assumed alone..I assume he was NOT alone.

    So this ‘not making dates’ was actually him being busy dating the ex? Really?

    Why didn’t he take her to meet the parents? LOL
    Seriously, I am ranting now but this is just insane if you ask me. I wouldn’t have expected that.

    So there you go. He asked me for the benefit of the doubt once, I gave it to him and look what happened. he carried on being sneaky and withholding information. Perhaps they are not even officially split up. I honestly don’t care at this point but I do feel sick about it.

    And so grateful to have seen all this now.
    Just imagine….I would have LIVED with THAT????
    I’d have wilted like a sick flower, I would have had a life full of lies and drama and other women.

    Anger but also:
    relief, relief, relief.



  299.  #299Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Kim – “He wants to move in with me, talks marriage and everything else and then goes on couple dates with the EX that supposedly he has nothing going on with anymore (and his friends confirmed)? ”

    How do you really know that was what he wanted? He might have just been saying those things because for some reason he believes that is what you want. Sometimes it is best to allow men share their vision of their life and relationships before sharing what you want. Especially in the first few dates when they will talk because they are not invested in any way. When we go first some of these men follow our lead. That way they get to hide their truth.



  300.  #300Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Kim – some men will do this because they want to know you “get” it. Some are only out for sex because women these days can be very “easy”. They will say what they know we want to hear.

    I can’t even see where it is possible where you might have “lived with that”. As I said before I believe you just have to raise your standards and just trust yourself. It seems to me that you did feel something was off from early on so you were going in with your eyes wide open. Even if you gave him a hard time and held off on sex he would still have been coming at you to convince you. Maybe you need a “frog” to practice on. Someone you don’t like so you can get to see how these guys react when you try to outright reject them.



  301.  #301Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I am writing that last comment and all of a sudden I felt Andrea’s energy popping up in my heart area. I wonder where she is and what is happening with her.



  302.  #302Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 11:26 am

    It just goes to show that some men really like drama. He must get some kind of high stringing more than one woman along.



  303.  #303Kim on August 14, 2014 at 11:35 am

    He sent me a message saying that he is in a meeting and wants to talk later.
    I responded that I am unable to give him the benefit of the doubt again, I feel mistrusting and upset, and that I do not want to engage in any further contact.

    I stated that honesty and respect are the most important ingredients in a relationship, for me, and that I would not feel able to give him the freedom he seems to need. I told him I would be blocking him on my phone, so I would not feel tempted to engage in contact anymore.

    BOOM!!!



  304.  #304Dominique on August 14, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Purple – I’m here if you need me.

    Much love to you.

    xxoo



  305.  #305Kim on August 14, 2014 at 11:37 am

    FW right!!! hence my need to quash the drama before it re-surfaces!!!!!!
    I blocked him. No more talk, no more benefit of the doubt. He can still reach me by other ways, email for example, but that is much less tempting for me to respond tp.
    Done.
    Ugh.



  306.  #306Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 11:37 am

    RE302 Love it!!



  307.  #307Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 11:42 am

    ((((Purple))))

    ((((Kim)))))

    ((((Azure Blu))))



  308.  #308Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Mandy,

    You are very welcome. I know exactly what you mean about medication which simulates calmness not being the answer, because it does not allow you to create that feeling for yourself. That being said, there is wonderful homeopathic stuff you can take for anxiety, it was truly a lifesaver for me in the past, though I don’t really need it much any more.

    Let me know if you would like to talk about how to create relaxation and calmness, it’s a pet interest of mine and an ongoing practice in my life. I think getting a handle on anxiety and accessing your calm is an ongoing process, and you become better and better at it over time.

    x



  309.  #309Dixie on August 14, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Kim – Cheering you on like you can’t even imagine!!



  310.  #310Kim on August 14, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Thanks Ladies…
    I feel a bit crappy but mostly empowered.

    He had a chance, I gave him another one, he still decided to be sneaky and withholding info and whatever else. I used to give guys like that chance after chance. Not sure as to why.

    It feels good not to!



  311.  #311Kim on August 14, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Something else just popped into my head…he used to say they just live like room mates and they don’t even talk to each other…lol….
    I mean, would you go out for drinks and dinner with your ex if you didn’t talk to them?
    Seriously, why bend the truth like that..it’s just stupid. I will never understand men…lol.
    ‘we don’t talk, we just live together, eat together, go out as a couple and etc’
    Too funny.
    Well, let’s just put it down to experience.
    Never date anyone who lives with the ‘ex’ , or at least until you spoke to her and confirmed she is the ex.
    Basics, Kim, back to basics…



  312.  #312Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    (((Kim!!!))))
    I know this is very shocking to you..
    about WC being out with the ex!! :-[

    Good for you!!! Look how much you have CHANGED!!
    You’re NOT going to give him another chance to charm his way back…

    and this IS ALL ABOUT the CHAOS and DRAMA
    HE loves…

    You are my hero!!
    I know it doesn’t feel good though! :-\



  313.  #313Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    FW…
    Interesting you thought about Andrea…
    I did too yesterday…
    I left a post on here a few threads back
    Saying I missed her wisdom and sassiness…

    I hope she’s doing good!!



  314.  #314Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    Kim… don’t forget to give yourself LOTs of LOVE!!!
    Lots of TENDER LOVING CARE!!!

    You asked him alll the right questions, but you kept your heart open…
    really you figured out quite quickly
    He’s NOT worth Your
    Siren Self to keep him in your rotation
    While you ride YOUR horse
    Kisses and hugs… mighty Goddess!!



  315.  #315Kyla on August 14, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    (((((purple))))) keeping you in my thoughts and please let us know you are ok. I responded to you on the last thread too. This sounds so cliche but we always hit bottom or face the greatest amount of resistence just before things shift for the better. Its like we have to grieve the old in order to allow the change process and its so bloody hard it can seem crushing. Talk to your doctor, tell family or a close friend, ask for help, walk away from a source of pain.. asking for help and admitting you are not coping is the bravest most couragous and self-loving thing you could ever do. Hugs and love coming to you. xoxo



  316.  #316Kim on August 14, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Thank you Azure ❤️❤️❤️
    I feel a bit harsh doing what I have done. And also silly. Last time I said in irder to resume dating, I want to come to his place and check out the situation…it never happened.
    I should mot have given into the charms.
    I should have held my boundary.
    Better late than never. we have a couple of common friends and I might bump into him again at some point.
    There will be no more acting out of chemistry. At best a platonic acquaintanceship…lol.
    I am not going to act like a lunatic, but I am not acting warm and open either.
    I am NOT giving drama another chance.
    He’d have to change a lot.
    I do not see that happening.



  317.  #317Kyla on August 14, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Thanks Azure Blu! I got the job and I feel queen of the world right now. And I got a call this morning that an afterschool program can take my son fulltime. They are on route to my new job too. After 6 weeks of calling every facility in the phonebook I was starting to panic so I feel immensly grateful for the timing and good fortune 🙂



  318.  #318Kim on August 14, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Congrats kyla



  319.  #319Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Yay Kyla!!!
    Congratulations!!!
    How great too to find an after school care on your way to work!!

    “Luck is not chance. It’s Toil.
    Fortunes expensive smile is earned.”
    emily dickinson



  320.  #320Millie on August 14, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Indigo–thanks so much! I will keep that in mind..that everyone has been at the stage I’m at at some point in their lives and perhaps opening up will allow closeness rather than push them away.

    FeminineWoman–I’m sorry my post make your stomach heavy, I hate to think that how I feel causes others to feel the same. You comment of men wanting to dive into my lush garden made me smile and tear up a bit. I’ve struggled with the mantras, I’ve been struggling with them. And I miss Andrea’s presence too, I wonder what she is up to…



  321.  #321Kyla on August 14, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I hear you Millie! I got really comfortable with just simply stating

    ‘that feels good, bad, fun or weird’ and ‘I like/don’t like that’.

    No drama and still authentic without the fear of humiliation, laying my soul on the table or giving too much of me away to a relative stranger. But it was enough to get me into expressing honestly my feeling state in response to what I heard or saw. I would really encourage you to find a way to incorporate feeling message practice into your day-to-day life. Once you do its far more unpleasant and much more effort to shut down and hold the world at arm’s length.



  322.  #322Violette on August 14, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    I feel inspired from reading to not care so much what random guys think of me. Man I have been so invested in what men think…ones I don’t even know!

    Like…there are 2 guys form pof who have my phone number. One called yesterday, and I haven’t had a single moment to call him back. And I texted him today that I hadn’t forgotten about him, and he texted back ok. I have been feeling pressured, afraid one more guy from online who gets mad at me and insults me because I haven’t returned his call on his timeline…but forget it! I’ll call him when I want! His voice did not sound sexy, he kept calling himself my “new friend”, and it doesn’t bode well for me when a guy wants to talk on the phone before meet…like being afraid of contact or something. It’s boring!

    And who cares!

    The other guy kept trying to give me his phone number until I finally told him I prefer the man to call. I mean…what am I walking on eggshells about? He hasn’t even picked a place for our coffee date,and I don’t really want to go.

    I can now remove myself form pof, I was just waiting for these guys to have my info before going off. I have hated every minute of it, really!

    I do find myself too busy and tired to go out, and I want to force myself, meet men face to face. That is actually fun.

    Well good for me giving it a shot, now I know online is not for me, at least not for now, at least not these free sites.

    Plus, I need to find some time to take care of me before I run around worrying about strange men who are making demands on me.



  323.  #323Kim on August 14, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Just thinking. I feel grateful in some ways too. He took me for a nice weekend, paid for almost everything, and some bits of it were nice…I can write a nice travel article for my blog.

    I did say thank you for everything at the end of my message.

    It’s never all bad…I feel at peace. 🙂
    Anger kind of subsiding



  324.  #324Violette on August 14, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Azure Blue that quote is so beautiful, I am memorizing it!
    Kyla it feels good to read about your success 🙂



  325.  #325Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Kim…
    Glad you like the quote!!!
    Isn’t it great???!!



  326.  #326Kim on August 14, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    Ha, it was Violette, but azure, i did love it a lot too!



  327.  #327Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Violette..
    oops Yes! I do sooo love this quote!



  328.  #328Femininewoman on August 14, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Kim I am feeling so proud of you



  329.  #329Kim on August 14, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    FW..thank you.
    I just had a friend over…and she asked me some questions, and I did go through a few uncomfortable feeling moments, because obviously as I recounted the tales from the weekend and how I felt, not all was bad and there were some things, such as the ‘solution oriented alpha male’ moments, that felt so good to me.
    Lesson is that the next guy will have those, and more.
    I believe in that.



  330.  #330Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    You know, the nest thing about the blocking is that I no longer feel compelled to check my phone, or answer texts that would make me feel off balance ir argumentative.

    I feel at peace, like I have cut myself off from drama that would invariable have gone on and dragged it all out for much longer without asking for any effort (anyone can write a few text messages at any time).

    It is so freeing not to be tempted to talk, run my mouth, lash out. It is so freeing not to wait for crumbs such as a text message here and there while he was obviously seeing other people…and called it work.

    Wow. I feel a kind of peace I haven’t felt in a long time.
    Yes, of course it is sad but the good feeling, the non-urgent, peaceful feelings far outweigh that.

    For now.



  331.  #331Kim on August 14, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Best thing, not nest thing….lol



  332.  #332Nessie on August 14, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Kim, I feel so happy and at peace for you…even though the whole experience with WC wasn’t all too nice, you were able to learn more about what you want/don’t want, and seem to really BELIEVE and trust that you have learned from him and will manifest better men in your life because of it. 😀



  333.  #333Nessie on August 14, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    (((Dominique))) # 296
    (((Azure Blu))) # 259

    Thank you!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂



  334.  #334Beloved on August 14, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    I don’t know if I am nuts or what, but I turned down the offer. Even though it’s more than I’ve seen in a few years, it is STILL about the same I was being paid for similar work that I enjoyed WAY more in 1997.

    I wonder again, if I am crazy. I have been affirming and practicing getting out of debt, being financially secure and stable – and look at me…getting a student loan, going into instability because I need to move quickly to a different city and can I handle the course load am I just scaring myself and screwing myself out of a good situation?

    Over and over again, I have felt feelings and noticed these kinds of thoughts and doubts. Self-loathing and “stupid stupid stupid you are STUPID to give this up” and I think, well, I”ve read about a LOT of people who have achieved their dreams who say the same thoughts and feelings have and do come up for them.

    A voice says, push it aside. Be strong. Be strong and confident in your choice, regardless.
    I. Can. Do. This.
    I want to believe this isn’t like ANY other crazy choice I’ve made in the past that turned out to be bad.
    I want to believe in my choice.

    I’m enrolled, I’ve paid half of the tuition, got some stuff straightened out with my account so I can apply for a loan. I will buy books this weekend.
    I feel waves of cringey tingles washing up through my guts.

    It sort of reminds me of childbirth where one part of me is “go back! go back! I don’t want to to this anymore!!!” and the whole rest of me is birthing, haha.
    Breathe and surrender. Breathe and go with it.
    Breathe and relax, sink into it.

    Birthing is a good reminder…surrender to the rushes.



  335.  #335Azure Blu on August 14, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    Beloved…
    Wow!!! What an adventure you are going on!!!

    I am feeling waves of excitement reading your post!!!
    I am feeling exileration!!

    I believe
    You. Can. Do. This!!!



  336.  #336BeLoved on August 14, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    Ohhh Azure, thank you for saying that. I burst int tears, my heart feels achey and I feel a pleading ib my heart, please let it be different. ..
    I feel I’ve made it too big and important and am scaring the crap out of myself and now instead I’m practicing thoughts and feelings of ease, peace, natural natural just the next step no big thang girl…just living my life…grace, ease, trust.



  337.  #337Millie on August 14, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Beloved!! This sounds amazing! You are following your heart vs. money. You will find true happiness in this path…. What classes are you taking? I love school, it feels like exploring the edge of a cliff pearling on the other side and being thrilled with what’s in sight on the horizon. I feel proud you are being so strong and choosing your path. Yay for you!



  338.  #338Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Beloved,

    I feel from your post you have made the right decision.

    Valuing yourself more and more highly as you go on this journey is a good thing, and the fear that comes with that is natural. But you will do great!



  339.  #339Millie on August 14, 2014 at 11:13 pm

    I have positive things to share!!!!!! Today I found out the company I work for is sending me to Paris on a business trip!! I adore Paris, and am overwhelmed with excitement! Last night I went dancing, which always puts a smile on my face! I love the order, that men do the asking and leading. It’s always an adventure and I was on the dance floor most of the night. The doorman was a handsome British, African American man who complimented me as I walked in. Commenting on the attention to detail I have in my style… And as I left he ran to get the door for me and called me princess. Haha.. I know it’s his job, but if still felt good! I usually walk to my car alone, but lately I’ve been wanting a man to walk with me. Not because I feel unsafe, but because it feels nice to be have someone care what happens to you after you leave a bar, etc. The dance teacher invited me out. I’m doing some alterations in exchange for lessons, so he came over tonight for a fitting. He’s fun to flirt with and told me I am a very memorable person, and not just because of my looks, he added. I feel like there is some sexual tension there, but he seems like a player and sometimes he takes on that “before your time” attitude as if I’m that much younger than him. I think what I want most, is to feel wanted.



  340.  #340Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Yay Millie!

    What helped me, was shifting that belief from “I want to feel wanted” to “I am wanted”. Firstly, it shifts your vibe from one of deprivation to one of abundance. Secondly, it is true. Just because people might not express their admiration and affection for you in the ways you have come to expect, doesn’t mean they don’t feel that way.

    Go around believing love is coming towards you all the time!



  341.  #341Waterfall on August 14, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Hello Sirens,

    I feel like I don’t know how to “butt” into the blog and I am sitting here giggling at myself so much for being so socially awkward!

    Oh this blog, the lessons to learn, it is all so deeply fascinating.

    @ Kim, I am so shocked in sudden turn around in events for you with WC. I really sense a shift in you and I see that as a positive thing. I hope you are okay? It sounds from your posts that you are very relieved..

    Well, it’s been a few day of no contact from D and we are now “officially” broken up. I feel such a mixture of feelings about the whole thing. I feel freedom and a sense of gay abandonment, but I also feel extremely sad and choked up. I feel an over whelming sense of wanting to “do” something… I am forcing myself to lean back, yet I feel like a pushing in my chest.

    Hmmm… Maybe I need to get the focus back onto me. I wonder if ALL my energy is going on to him?! That is interesting…

    I feel so confused, this is where I have my dilemma and everything gets a bit blurry. My “feelings” are telling me that I miss D but my logical mind is telling me to keep away from him.

    Hmm… Is this all about the energy?

    I realise in a physical way I am “leaning back” i.e I don’t contact him, I don’t ask any leading questions, I go about my daily life.

    Yet, still in my heart I “miss” him, and I’m yearning for him?

    So essentially I am not really leaning back?! I am being all doom and gloom and negative…

    I just keep thinking about his obsession with me not getting “upset” about anything. He made me feel like I was somehow devoid of emotions. I feel so scared that I am missing something somewhere. It was like he was looking deep into my soul..

    Sometimes I worry that I will never get a handle in this. I read all these blogs, articles and self help books but still my thinking is NOT aligned with the rest of the blog. I almost wish it was written in plain English because half the time I don’t understand what people are writing about?!

    Still after years, and years if reading and practising the tools I feel as confused as the day I arrived here. Yet I can see so many people have had amazing breakthroughs – I just wish I understood a bit more…

    I feel just frustrated with myself at the moment…

    Anyway, this last week rather than sit and mope ( which I would normally do) i throw myself into a project at work and boy did I enjoy it.

    But this is the problem. There is now a huge voice in my head telling me ‘becareffuuuuulllll – you will fail…… Who do you think you arrrrreeeeeeeee?’

    Its almost like I can not be positive?! Arghhhhh….

    I think the crux of the situation was after I managed to get the project off the ground and was feeling uber pleased with myself one of my work colleagues started being uber picky with me and talking to me like I was his junior. I felt so incensed and wound up by it. I didn’t want to respond with anger yet I felt anger inside.

    I feel confused thinking – is be right? Does he have a point? Why am I getting upset?

    I think I just felt over whelmed…. But I just WISH I could manage these feelings better..

    I guess because I was proud of my work I expected everyone else to be… I felt like I had to take a good step back and realise I hadn’t achieved what I thought I had achieved… I felt angry and wound up and…. Defeated… And like I wanted to go home and hide under the bedclothes…

    And then I started thinking about D again, and how he said that thats how he felt when I finished with him. He wanted to go home and hide under the bed clothes…

    And then I started thinking maybe in a way he was angry at himself for not doing the. Right things in order to remain my boyfriend, and Hello Sirens,

    I feel like I don’t know how to “butt” into the blog and I am sitting here giggling at myself so much for being so socially awkward!

    Oh this blog, the lessons to learn, it is all so deeply fascinating.

    @ Kim, I am so shocked in sudden turn around in events for you with WC. I really sense a shift in you and I see that as a positive thing. I hope you are okay? It sounds from your posts that you are very relieved..

    Well, it’s been a few day of no contact from D and we are now “officially” broken up. I feel such a mixture of feelings about the whole thing. I feel freedom and a sense of gay abandonment, but I also feel extremely sad and choked up. I feel an over whelming sense of wanting to “do” something… I am forcing myself to lean back, yet I feel like a pushing in my chest.

    Hmmm… Maybe I need to get the focus back onto me. I wonder if ALL my energy is going on to him?! That is interesting…

    I feel so confused, this is where I have my dilemma and everything gets a bit blurry. My “feelings” are telling me that I miss D but my logical mind is telling me to keep away from him.

    Hmm… Is this all about the energy?

    I realise in a physical way I am “leaning back” i.e I don’t contact him, I don’t ask any leading questions, I go about my daily life.

    Yet, still in my heart I “miss” him, and I’m yearning for him?

    So essentially I am not really leaning back?! I am being all doom and gloom and negative…

    I just keep thinking about his obsession with me not getting “upset” about anything. He made me feel like I was somehow devoid of emotions. I feel so scared that I am missing something somewhere. It was like he was looking deep into my soul..

    Sometimes I worry that I will never get a handle in this. I read all these blogs, articles and self help books but still my thinking is NOT aligned with the rest of the blog. I almost wish it was written in plain English because half the time I don’t understand what people are writing about?!

    Still after years, and years if reading and practising the tools I feel as confused as the day I arrived here. Yet I can see so many people have had amazing breakthroughs – I just wish I understood a bit more…

    I feel just frustrated with myself at the moment…

    Anyway, this last week rather than sit and mope ( which I would normally do) i throw myself into a project at work and boy did I enjoy it.

    But this is the problem. There is now a huge voice in my head telling me ‘becareffuuuuulllll – you will fail…… Who do you think you arrrrreeeeeeeee?’

    Its almost like I can not be positive?! Arghhhhh….

    I think the crux of the situation was after I managed to get the project off the ground and was feeling uber pleased with myself one of my work colleagues started being uber picky with me and talking to me like I was his junior. I felt so incensed and wound up by it. I didn’t want to respond with anger yet I felt anger inside.

    I feel confused thinking – is be right? Does he have a point? Why am I getting upset?

    I think I just felt over whelmed…. But I just WISH I could manage these feelings better..

    I guess because I was proud of my work I expected everyone else to be… I felt like I had to take a good step back and realise I hadn’t achieved what I thought I had achieved… I felt angry and wound up and…. Defeated… And like I wanted to go home and hide under the bedclothes…

    And then I started thinking about D again, and how he said that thats how he felt when I finished with him. He wanted to go home and hide under the bed clothes…

    And I think he had been trying soooooo hard.

    Hmm… And it just got me thinking maybe I was making him feel like my colleague at work had made me feel… Argghh I feel so confused…

    I know I need to get on with my life and not focus on him but….



  342.  #342Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    I feel yummy today.

    I have been trying to be in the moment this week. Every time my mind wanders off to people, work that I should not be worrying about right now, I bring my mind back to the present moment, or to daydreaming about lovely things, sometimes gently, sometimes I slam the door on the thought that is causing me worry.

    So after nearly a week of just trying to get centred and to find my feet at work, I felt in need of a bit of attention. Last night I had yummy cuddles and dinner with D. And yesterday BM phoned me and said he wants to take me out to brunch tomorrow. I feel good 🙂



  343.  #343Waterfall on August 14, 2014 at 11:30 pm

    Hello Sirens,

    I feel like I don’t know how to “butt” into the blog and I am sitting here giggling at myself so much for being so socially awkward!

    Oh this blog, the lessons to learn, it is all so deeply fascinating.

    @ Kim, I am so shocked in sudden turn around in events for you with WC. I really sense a shift in you and I see that as a positive thing. I hope you are okay? It sounds from your posts that you are very relieved..

    Well, it’s been a few day of no contact from D and we are now “officially” broken up. I feel such a mixture of feelings about the whole thing. I feel freedom and a sense of gay abandonment, but I also feel extremely sad and choked up. I feel an over whelming sense of wanting to “do” something… I am forcing myself to lean back, yet I feel like a pushing in my chest.

    Hmmm… Maybe I need to get the focus back onto me. I wonder if ALL my energy is going on to him?! That is interesting…

    I feel so confused, this is where I have my dilemma and everything gets a bit blurry. My “feelings” are telling me that I miss D but my logical mind is telling me to keep away from him.

    Hmm… Is this all about the energy?

    I realise in a physical way I am “leaning back” i.e I don’t contact him, I don’t ask any leading questions, I go about my daily life.

    Yet, still in my heart I “miss” him, and I’m yearning for him?

    So essentially I am not really leaning back?! I am being all doom and gloom and negative…

    I just keep thinking about his obsession with me not getting “upset” about anything. He made me feel like I was somehow devoid of emotions. I feel so scared that I am missing something somewhere. It was like he was looking deep into my soul..

    Sometimes I worry that I will never get a handle in this. I read all these blogs, articles and self help books but still my thinking is NOT aligned with the rest of the blog. I almost wish it was written in plain English because half the time I don’t understand what people are writing about?!

    Still after years, and years if reading and practising the tools I feel as confused as the day I arrived here. Yet I can see so many people have had amazing breakthroughs – I just wish I understood a bit more…

    I feel just frustrated with myself at the moment…

    Anyway, this last week rather than sit and mope ( which I would normally do) i throw myself into a project at work and boy did I enjoy it.

    But this is the problem. There is now a huge voice in my head telling me ‘becareffuuuuulllll – you will fail…… Who do you think you arrrrreeeeeeeee?’

    Its almost like I can not be positive?! Arghhhhh….

    I think the crux of the situation was after I managed to get the project off the ground and was feeling uber pleased with myself one of my work colleagues started being uber picky with me and talking to me like I was his junior. I felt so incensed and wound up by it. I didn’t want to respond with anger yet I felt anger inside.

    I feel confused thinking – is be right? Does he have a point? Why am I getting upset?

    I think I just felt over whelmed…. But I just WISH I could manage these feelings better..

    I guess because I was proud of my work I expected everyone else to be… I felt like I had to take a good step back and realise I hadn’t achieved what I thought I had achieved… I felt angry and wound up and…. Defeated… And like I wanted to go home and hide under the bedclothes…

    And then I started thinking about D again, and how he said that thats how he felt when I finished with him. He wanted to go home and hide under the bed clothes…

    And I think he had been trying soooooo hard.

    Hmm… And it just got me thinking maybe I was making him feel like my colleague at work had made me feel… Argghh I feel so confused…

    I know I need to get on with my life and not focus on him but….



  344.  #344Waterfall on August 14, 2014 at 11:31 pm

    Sorry about the double post!!



  345.  #345Millie on August 14, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    Indigo 🙂 sounds like a good week!



  346.  #346Waterfall on August 14, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    @ Indigo

    I love your last post! Its so uplifting and light.
    Love the positive energy that is coming through

    I love the thought of focusing on positive things and things that make us happy…

    Mmm…

    Feels yummy.

    Where did you go for dinner with D?

    And where are you going to brunch with BM?

    Mmmn…. Sound fab anyway ! 🙂



  347.  #347Indigo on August 14, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    Waterfall 🙂

    D and I cooked a delicious chicken pie recipe that we found. He went and did all the shopping and I made it. As long as I have the energy, I find cooking to be very stress-relieving and therapeutic. I love it.

    BM says he wants to take me to some little place which has lots of character and is filled with antiques… sounds good. He also mentioned something about convincing me to take a walk along the promenade at the beach… I don’t need convincing!



  348.  #348Sophie on August 15, 2014 at 12:09 am

    Kyla – congratulations on the job

    Millie – woo hoo sounds like some exciting times and some positive stuff coming into help keep moving you onwards and upwards

    Beloved – congratulations on your plans, forging forward with your life, having options from which you can make decisions that feel right for you!

    Azure Blu – I know the place in Mexico looks lovely…not sure that I can find the money for the flight ticket but we shall see – I’ll keep looking through my options

    Waterfall – I know how you feel – sometimes I wonder if I ever change also but I’m sure so much change occurs even if we can’t see it. I think it’s natural to still be bound somewhat by feelings so soon after a break up – it takes us a while for our hearts and bodies to disentangle but your head (sounds like) its doing the right thing and gently guiding you in the right direction

    Indigo – I love yummy days I want to be back in that place

    Kim – for what its worth I think you did the right thing – as you say you experimented and gave him a chance – there did seem to be lots of red flags…after the experience I’ve just had with moving someone in (too soon) I was feeling worried…it has not been fun



  349.  #349Waterfall on August 15, 2014 at 12:28 am

    Indigo!

    Yay, I love cooking too! Glad you had fun cooking your chicken pie. It is often the most simple things in life that bring us the most pleasure! 🙂

    Have a great time at your brunch and I can’t wait to hear about this fabby little eatery and your walk along the promenade. It sounds lovely.



  350.  #350Waterfall on August 15, 2014 at 12:32 am

    Sophie

    Thank you for your kind words. I think a lot of it was because for the last few months i have felt this numbness to him. I felt exceptionally bad around him at times and i wanted to be away from him. Now it has happened I just feel this great over whelming loss. Maybe its all the feelings I was suppressing..



  351.  #351Waterfall on August 15, 2014 at 12:32 am

    Sophie

    Thank you for your kind words. I think a lot of it was because for the last few months i have felt this numbness to him. I felt exceptionally bad around him at times and i wanted to be away from him. Now it has happened I just feel this great over whelming loss. Maybe its all the feelings I was suppressing..



  352.  #352Sophie on August 15, 2014 at 1:11 am

    350 – and now you get to feel the feelings. It may be healing to go through this process. One of the things I find so difficult about break ups is the ambivalence. Letting go of all the good things as well as the things that I felt unhappy about. It can feel confusing…and it can be easy to magnify the good things. I have to find a way of accepting that ambivalence and keep moving day by day toward my goals. And accepting all the feelings too – I feel grief AND I feel relief. I feel pain AND I know I’m making the right decision. I feel unsure about my decision AND I’m going to keep loving me anyway.



  353.  #353Yogini on August 15, 2014 at 2:48 am

    Hi Sirens!
    I’ve been getting so much out of reading all your posts I thought I would feel brave and join in too. I’ve posted intermittently before under different usernames but always held back and felt a bit distant. This time I would really love to feel like I’m opening up more as I feel so inspired by all of you doing just that. I’ve been kind of following Rori for a few years now and feel a bit disheartened to still be back to being single again. However I have definitively noticed that people who really commit to this way seem to find their forever man so this time I want to go the whole hog…full Rori style no excuses!
    Thanks!xxxxx



  354.  #354Yogini on August 15, 2014 at 2:55 am

    Kim your recent journey with WildChild has especially moved me. I admire your strength and focus on taking care of yourself. I remember you posting your doubts right from the beginning and you stayed true to yourself to be open to seeing who he really was.

    I can so relate to dating men who promise me all the big ticket items like marriage, kids, living together etc but then their actions do not meet up to any of the promises. This time I want to watch their actions not their promises.



  355.  #355Yogini on August 15, 2014 at 2:57 am

    Kyla you have so inspired me in your journey. Seeing that you have found a man who makes you happy makes me feel like it is possible.



  356.  #356Indigo on August 15, 2014 at 3:26 am

    Sophie – you will get there again.



  357.  #357Indigo on August 15, 2014 at 3:29 am

    Waterfall,

    I absolutely think it is the simple things in life which bring the most pleasure – always what I return to. Good music, good food, beautiful surroundings, the people that you love.

    I will report back on my date tomorrow afterwards!

    PS. Hang in there re: D. It is normal to run the full gammet of emotions after a break-up as you are doing. It doesn’t mean you are failing at leaning back. Be good and patient with yourself.



  358.  #358sequoia on August 15, 2014 at 4:18 am

    Labbit #155 thank you for sharing your experiences , feelings reg. your tenderCd. on his 2nd round. It feels very inspiring to me.
    I can sooo relate to what you wrote reg. being triggered and the sadness and fears that are coming up, and your reactions. I have been observing it within myself too and it brings up a lot of fears within myself and I feel confused on how much to share with my Cds too.

    G excd hasn’t been in touch, but I still do hope he will be coming back for anohter round , once his worksituation is sorted out. Even so he did say that things didn’t fit…so I also have to assume that’ll never hear from him again.

    He also never said my name, I can not remember him saying my name once on the phone or when we met up, only when we met the first time – this felt so weird and sad to me, it felt strange and I wonder if he did it on purpose?

    He new that I was dating and said it doesn’t bother him, apparentl. even wanted me to date other men,
    but he always asked me , texted me friday or saturday night, and made fun if it…which triggered me.

    I watched the bachelerette and it is so funny to see how the men react when she is off with another, they all get very serious, retreat in themselves and seem to think of a way they can make their next move. When the guy who was on a single date comes back to the group they all sit around and listen to the guys story and either make fun of it or look worried or sad….mmmh I kind of felt for them.
    And esp. when she kissed one the others seem to become much more eager. But than it can also bring up the urge to win for the guy, even so he might not have true feelings for her.



  359.  #359Femininewoman on August 15, 2014 at 4:28 am

    Sequoia it is a masculine thing. Men bond by making fun of each other. Try it once in a while with a guy and see what happens. Every now and again I do that and tell a guy that he is not man enough for me. They tend to take that as a challenge to prove themselves.



  360.  #360sequoia on August 15, 2014 at 5:03 am

    well yes maybe it would have been a good idea to joke with him about me dating, but somehow I got bored by him asking and how was your date…I felt sad that he didn’t ask me out…and I made a joke about that…but it was coloured.



  361.  #361Kim on August 15, 2014 at 5:05 am

    Ah Waterfall…hugs, I think the feelings you are feeling now are just normal after a breakup. It’s easy to say to put the focus on you but with a breakup, there are just a few messy things to get through….it is what it is.

    I would just do as many good feeling things as possible,however that looks for you…
    ❤️



  362.  #362Kim on August 15, 2014 at 5:11 am

    So, well, I still feel a bit discombobulated by the wildchild episode…but I am so so happy to have broken my usual pattern.
    Normally I would have let him explain (there is nothing to explain that can make this feel any better), I would have gotten wound up, and I would have lashed out and had an argument. All this for no reason. It also wouldn’t have solved anything.
    My heartrate didn’t even go up as I calmly blocked him on the phone.

    Yes, he was sweet and open and apparently ready to settle down, but who knows if he really was.

    So now I have a wonderful weekend planned with old CD, who wants to cook for me Saturday night, and take me canoeing Sunday. I feel spoilt and happy that I get someones full attention and energy for a weekend of fun.
    What great timing.



  363.  #363Indigo on August 15, 2014 at 5:15 am

    Kim,

    In my opinion, that’s how it should be. No man should throw us off centre for long. I believe it’s fine to feel sad and confused, and whatever else we feel, but we keep our centre by remembering our value and that there is a world of possibility/people/men out there.



  364.  #364Kim on August 15, 2014 at 5:26 am

    Indigo, I totally agree. I am happy to say it has been years since I got really thrown off…

    I met with a gf yesterday and she said if her next guy won’t work out after all she has been through, she wouldn’t survive it….she would be destroyed. OMG. I was so shocked and asked her if she had ever thought of loving herself and making herself happy and seen a man as a bonus, not the centre of her life? I am so happy not to have that mindset.

    I wish I could get her there but she seems stuck in this thought that without a guy all life is nkt worth living. I wonder which type of man is attracted to that pressure….ugh 🙁

    Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a partner, but I see also many people unhappy in relationships….I don’t think the grass is greener, frankly.

    If I wanted a bf badly, I could have let wildchild move in…and bang! Instant relationship. He was even saying about marriage some time down the line. Just imagine being married to someone who goes on vacations with singke girls and on couple dates withe xes. Lol. There is no reason to assume he would change his behavior, he already told me he was gregarious and liked to do these things and needs a woman that understands this. He would have carried on these toxic things (for me) and said ‘but I told you who I was, it’s you who is uptight and wrong!’.
    I would have been so unhappy to wake up to that every morning!! I am so much happier alone!!

    So no, nobody can throw me off balance for long anymore…maybe different if a long term marriage comes to an end, there is a longer grieving time. But I am sure as long as a woman understands that she is whole already. Loves herself, develops her life….all is well. Men come and go.



  365.  #365Indigo on August 15, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Kim,

    Yes, I agree. For me, personally – yes of course if it was only a man, any man, I was after, I could have that tomorrow. But I am infinitely happier alone than in a bad relationship, or a relationship not suited to me.

    I am happy and I love my life as it is, and I love my own company, so I am in no break-neck rush for a settled-down, serious relationship unless it is the absolutely right thing for me.

    I have also got rid of this defeatist attitude that if it doesn’t happen now or tomorrow, that it is never going to happen or that I am doomed to a life of misery. Absolutely untrue. Every day, every moment, represents a new chance at happiness if you choose to look at it this way.

    So yes, yay to all of what you said! I love how Rori encourages us to get comfortable in our own company and to tolerate the solitude and aloneness. Eventually you learn to make this your happy place, and it takes away that feeling of pressure and desperation you spoke of. I too worry about what kind of man is drawn to a woman for whom a man is the be-all and end-all of her life.



  366.  #366Femininewoman on August 15, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Such great insight Kim at such a young age. I feel so sure that your life will be great.



  367.  #367Kim on August 15, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Indigo – yes, yes, yes!!!!

    FW – thank you. As you know, I learnt the hard way.
    The trick is to learn from our mistakes and not repeating them ad infinitum…
    My work is now more on staying open, rather than worrying about getting involved or stuck on the wrong man. It won’t happen again.
    However, I need to make sure I don’t shut everything down and give a man a fair chance.

    I have almost gone too far the other way.



  368.  #368Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Good morning Sirens,
    I am feeling happy and brave today!!! and proud of ME…
    I took excellent care of AZURE B last night!!

    I went out with Spiritcd last night… I had practiced FMs to share with him about
    Me accepting and respecting his beliefs
    also that I don’t believe in sin or hell…
    could he respect and accept that?

    I also wanted to share more of my past… (which I did)
    I have a big tendency to get all silly and focused on the fun and
    NOT taking care of ME by discussing that which is important (although I have talked to him about this before)

    He is VERY easy to talk to and (because of Rori’s tools) we had a great discussion about everything…
    His answer was… “Clara, i’m sure we can work this out”
    I’m still no sure what that means??? pink flag

    HE brought up the conversation about the man being the leader in a relationship!!!
    I LOVED hearing this!!!
    and how courageous it is for the woman to relax and follow his lead (but him always taking care of her and listening to her) He is a ballroom dancer!! :-))
    I was soooo happy to hear a man say this to me…
    never had a man say this since the Rori tools!!
    I told him I agreed…
    That I have learned how strong and courageous a woman needs to be inside
    to follow a mans lead and soft and warm outside.

    The rest of the evening HE was even MORE masculine energy!!! giving my order to the waitress… grabbing my purse and jacket and leading us to a good spot on the dance floor… soooo yummie…

    He brought me close to him and whispered…
    Him: I really LOVE you, AzureB…
    Me: Mmmm that makes me fell soo warm and happy to hear.
    Him: Do you think you could ever love Me?
    Me: Ohhh. Spiritcd… I could totally fall in love with you.
    Him:Do you think you love me even just a little bit right now…
    Me: Yes… I think I do love you a little bit right now!!
    He has such a sweet, tender heart!!!

    I also shared my fear of him being a flirt…
    Funny thing
    He said He thinks I’m a flirt too… ;->
    So I shared that I am totally monogamous when I’m in a committed relationship and I may be friendly but I don’t flirt or cheat on the man I LOVE!!!
    He said the same (just a little different)

    We are going out to a live performance tonight!!!
    AND DANCE!!!

    Wow!!! when I read through this we shared a lot of really important stuff!!!
    YAY ME FOR LOVING ME…
    I LOVE YOU AZURE Blu… I will always take care of you!!
    You can trust ME!!!



  369.  #369Labbit on August 15, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Oh Azure Blu what a wonderful tale! It fills me with such love and happiness for you. Thank you for sharing it!!

    I am not sure what’s up with me but I have felt very needy the last few days. I’m worried this is disrupting the energy between me and TenderCD. I’m confident that all is well between us and this is just temporary, yet my mind keeps trying to scare me into doing really needy things! I’m not even sure why.

    Clearly I’m up against a huge trigger. I last spoke to him on Wednesday, we spoke most of the day including a lovely surprise phone call from him! I’m up against an expectation that we should be talking everyday even though I know he’s quite busy setting up a new account at work right now. He sounded so happy when I spoke to him and he spent the entire call trying to make me laugh because I was feeling a little down. I made sure to tell him how it felt good to hear from him even though I wasn’t feeling great.

    I feel upset and frustrated with myself. I don’t understand where this fear or insecurity is coming from and I wish it would go away. I’m able to calm myself down for short periods, followed by my mind bombarding me with terrible words or ideas that send me back into a panic that I have to soothe myself down from.

    Is this just how vulnerability feels in its infancy? It’s taking so much energy to keep telling myself that all is well, to live my life as if everything is perfect. Everything is perfect…if I could just settle down. I feel stuck in my head.



  370.  #370Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Labbitt..
    Thank you sooo much for your words!!! oxox

    I think you might be right when you said
    your fear and insecurities is part of practicing being vulnerable…
    I know that is/was how I feel during extreme times of sharing vulnerability…
    It has gotten MUCH better…
    Other Sirens have shared how they now feel SOOO good when they are authentic and vulnerable
    so I imagine it gets better!! :-))

    I’m wondering if the trigger with Tendercd
    is you wanting to CONTROL him, the pace of the relationship…
    remember he wants to take this slow!!!

    your doing goood… leaning back and LOVING YOU
    LOVING your fear
    LOVING your insecurities



  371.  #371Veronica on August 15, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Millie – 230 + 338 – Woohoo! Paris!



  372.  #372Veronica on August 15, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Indigo – 231 – thank you. I needed to be reminded of this.



  373.  #373Veronica on August 15, 2014 at 11:16 am

    Sophie – 232 – : ) yay to doing well enough. I have noticed that when I tend to focus on the things I haven’t done (and feeling bad about myself for not being there yet) that I’m actually in need of down time and taking care of me but find it difficult to recognize that need because I get so caught up in the seemingly relentless rhythm of ‘I’ve got to get this done’.



  374.  #374Labbit on August 15, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Azure 366 — Yes you are right that’s a big part of it. 🙂 In fact I’d already said yes to a weekend trip with some girlfriends this weekend because I knew I needed some time to take care of me. We’re leaving in a few hours. Yes I do just want to skip to the end, make him mine, drag him across the finish line as Rori says. LOL. And I know how silly that is and that’s how I know this is all inside of me and not something from him.

    Now if only I could do something with this insecurity. I’ve tried a few exercises, like expanding fingers and such. Maybe I just need to sink into it? I’m just not sure how to best take care of myself right now. I feel uncomfortable. I like feeling peace and calm so much more.



  375.  #375Veronica on August 15, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Indigo – 231 – thank you. I needed to be reminded of this.



  376.  #376Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Kim I love reading your progress with CDing. Your words feel so inspirational and centred. And men (people) will be whoever they are and do whatever they do and finding a good fit for us is what matters, not trying to adjust our comfort levels or change their behaviour. I enjoy feeling your strength and confidence in knowing and trusting in yourself and your needs. Rock on Siren.



  377.  #377Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Millie, Oh a trip to Paris!! Wow, I love that city. I feel so happy for you 🙂



  378.  #378Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Labbitt #369…
    Ahhh… yes… that icky, inbetween, uncomfortable feeling…
    You’re sooo right to go on a weekend with your gf!!!
    Yep… sometimes we just have to sit in the feelings and keep trying one thing or another until they pass!!
    For me… this usually is followed by a big breakthrough…
    SOOO you have something to look forward to!!
    :->



  379.  #379Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Azure <3 Thank you for sharing your date with spirited cd, I felt soft and melty hearted reading it and so so happy for you that you are loving yourself so beautifully that romance and magic is dancing all around you. xoxoxo



  380.  #380Labbit on August 15, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Millie 338 – Paris, WOW!! That is amazing. And to be there for work…such a lovely treat. Evenings in Paris are so lovely…so are the days really.

    Indigo 339 + 341 – I feel yummy reading this. So true — I am wanted! Being where you are and daydreaming about lovely things, yes, yes! This is what is missing for me right now. I feel myself shifting…

    Waterfall 342 — If you’re broken up with D then yes this is the time for you to put all your energy into YOU, what makes you feel good, what helps you feel love from within yourself. Don’t worry about him — if he’s the right guy and you’re meant to be together he’ll come back. If you don’t want him then you’ve opened the door for the right man to come in. Give yourself some time and space before you revisit anything from your time with D, time will help you gain some perspective too. Just treat yourself like the Goddess you are right now!

    Sequoia 354 – Thank you! I’m glad you are enjoying the updates, even if this week has been trigger-filled for me. There have been more good feelings than bad and I feel like the sky will clear soon of these clouds too. I’d say the same thing applies to you as Waterfall above. Be kind to yourself and forget about GCD for now.

    Kim 358 — That sounds like a wonderful weekend! Kudos to you for all the steps forward you are taking, your lovely Siren self is showing through!



  381.  #381Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 11:32 am

    Sophie thank you! I’ve been thinking of you and hoping your situation with B has made some progress? Sending you and big squishy hug 🙂



  382.  #382Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Labbit a girls weekend sounds so fun, enjoy! Excuse my ignorance.. are you and TenderCD new, exclusive? I dont like long periods of no contact (2 days is long for me!) and filled up my schedule with lots of dates so I’m not even aware when a CD drops contact or if we’re exclusive or pretty regular then when I hear from him I say ‘it feels so good to hear from you. wow I feel silly sharing this but you know it feels really weird with no contact, I don’t like it and I feel kind of insecure. I missed you’. This has led to a few men saying they felt the same and were waiting for me to get in touch with them (and upset that I didnt!) and then I have the chance to share that it feels best when I let a man lead.



  383.  #383Labbit on August 15, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Hi Kyla! So TenderCD is a man I dated pre-Rori, then we broke up for months, and then he came back asking for another shot about two months ago. We are pretty regular at this point, not exclusive though he has brought it up.

    Thank you for the script, this is so helpful! I was searching for the right words to express how I’m feeling and you nailed it. We have talked about how I feel more comfortable with him leading…he says he is happy to do this and he does like it if I initiate contact every so often just so he feels wanted. 🙂 I don’t feel comfortable initiating in this moment because I feel needy. I want my energy to settle down first.



  384.  #384sophie on August 15, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Azure Blu – I loved reading about your date! I felt inspired by the brave steps you’re making and how it’s slowly unfolding! In fact, your loving yourself and your loving your feelings is sticking with me – I found myself thinking today “love my feelings, like Azure Blu does”. So I did. I loved that I was feeling bored. I loved that I was feeling frustrated. I loved that I was feeling tired. I loved that I was feeling insecure.

    Veronica – you are so right – I definitely need some downtime – the NV’s get way worse when there’s a constant ‘to do’ list. I’m going to take the pressure off a bit this weekend. Potter rather than storm about 🙂

    Thank you Kyla 🙂 squishy hugs back. Yes, he’s behaving as though he’s had a complete personality transplant..it is very strange. It’s like knowing that he has to go has given him a whole new lease of life! He is helping me with everything – without me having to say a word…he is giving and giving and giving. It’s very weird – but much easier to live with. Maybe he just feels like there’s no pressure or something now – nothing to kick back against…I don’t know but it’s preferable. And ultimately I will feel happier if we transition out of this period of time together with some respect and positive regard. He’s even been changing the way he approaches his relationships with other people – saying that he is trying to be more open hearted. Squish to him. I’m not detracting from how horrible much of this has been but he has a good side. It’s nice to be able to see it through – him setting up elsewhere, me moving on and the court case which is now in October and which we ARE going to win – see it through amicably. It has been quite a major experience for both of us!!!



  385.  #385sophie on August 15, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    371 – I love this Kyla – it’s the absolute pinnacle – not trying to adjust for anyone just finding the right fits for us



  386.  #386Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Sophie #379…
    Wow… thanks for the update on B… How interesting to read how much he has changed
    It does sound nice to be able to leave on respectful terms…
    Glad to hear you ARE winning the court case!
    I am inspired by your Sireness!!!



  387.  #387Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    sphie #379
    Ohhhh… it feels good to hear I can inspire!!!
    thank you for your words…

    Me learning to love MY feelings has brought down
    My considerable anxiety!!!
    After 2 years of practice… first year not even KNOWING what A feeling was…
    I can pretty quickly access them!!!
    Rori (and all you lovely Sirens) is right
    It takes practice… BUT IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!
    Ahhhh… It is MAGIC!!



  388.  #388Nessie on August 15, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    😀 I love the word “squish” and all its variations! 😀



  389.  #389Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    Millie,
    WOW… the trip to Paris sounds Wonderful!!!

    It reminds me of the movie with Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway – “The Devil Wears Prada”

    But in a much more positive way!!! :-))



  390.  #390Waterfall on August 15, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    @ Azure Blue

    Your date sounds lovely!



  391.  #391Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Waterfall… thank you for your warm words!!!



  392.  #392sophie on August 15, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    382 – I’m going to take on the challenge 🙂 especially loving the tired, angry, overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, self conscious ones

    ha ha yes to the winning! it’s new energy – after the court dates got cancelled in June both of us had waned to the point of just wanting to give up and not see it through – look to the future again. It felt too exhausting and I could of easily just left B to it but then I got it out again and I thought ‘there’s no way he can’t not win this’ and independently B had been thinking the same so I’m prepared to give it one last burst of energy and yes he’s going to win it 🙂 There’s no way we went through the last year for nothing ha ha (though I know it’s never for nothing). Anyway, win or lose ( we won’t lose:))it seems like a proper conclusion to this episode of my life before I jet away



  393.  #393Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    I found this in Rori’s archives…
    Let Him Lead and Have the Strength to Follow…

    “In the moment, it can often feel so very weak—to let HIM lead.
    It really IS a choice though.
    We forget that WE could simply NOT dance at all.
    Technically, we make that choice TO dance,
    to TAKE his hand,
    to TRUST,
    from the moment when we very first commit to our men and every day after that.

    I do believe CHOOSING to follow
    does take as much strength as taking the lead.
    Rori’s “vulnerability equals strength” started repeating in my head as I watched this scene.

    It takes OUR COURAGE because we have to actually trust ourselves—
    we have to LOVE ourselves.
    I know without a doubt that the ability to TRUST is DIRECTLY related to the love I have for MYSELF.

    We have to know that WE are amazing
    and beautiful
    and fantastic
    and HIM leading doesn’t take anything away
    from that beauty.
    It actually ADDS to it.
    The fact that WE CHOOSE to be vulnerable
    and let him “take us on a journey”
    makes HIM absolutely certain
    that WE are the ONLY GIRL in the room that HE will EVER WANT TO DANCE WITH.”



  394.  #394Shannon P. on August 15, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Hi, so if anyone is around who remembers me, I wanted to update my situation.

    I finished my training course. I got the job I really, really wanted. I’ve got an apartment lined up for the beginning of the month or so.

    My time in the homeless shelter is drawing to a close and everything is changed. And there are men who want to be with me. They don’t care that I’m in the shelter!

    Anyway. Huge changes and it’s all starting to happen fast.



  395.  #395Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Sophie…
    NOW YOU are inspiring me!!!
    To stand up to this challenge!!! To Gain NEW energy and perservere through a court case!!!

    I want to be Courageous like that!!!



  396.  #396Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Ohhhh Shannon P!!! I have followed your story…

    Thank you for coming back to Siren Island and sharing these Wonderful things that are happening to YOU
    Because of alll YOUR COURAGE and hard work!!!

    YOU ARE A SIREN Brave lady!!!

    I have tears in my eyes and my heart is overflowing with love, happiness and joy for you and YOUR Daughter!!!

    Huggggs and Kisses!!!



  397.  #397sophie on August 15, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Ahhh Azure Blu – thank you that feels all warm to hear. It’s masculine energy though isn’t it?! Fighting for justice – good practise for me to be switching the hats 🙂

    Thank you for the post – I need to integrate this more…

    Shannon P – hello!!!! Wow what an amazing update!!!! You have absolutely turned your life around! You felt like your situation was intractable yet now you have right on the horizon a home of your own and an income of your own! I feel so happy for you. THAT is courageous! I salute you xxx



  398.  #398April Rose on August 15, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Sophie (and anyone else moving house in the near future),

    I have been reading about how moving house (even if we are excited about the new house) can create symptoms of loss and grief.

    The best thing (as with the people we lose or leave behind) is to complete the relationship.

    You can do this by going around each room of the house, with another person, and talking about your memories there. And thanking the house, and finally by saying goodbye.



  399.  #399Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Sphie #392…
    Fighting for JUSTICE…. LOVE that… yes working out our Masculine muscles!!!
    Go Girl!!!



  400.  #400sophie on August 15, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Ahhh April Rose – that image of saying goodbye to my house just made me feel tearful. Yes, I haven’t got to the scary, reality, this is really happening bit yet. It feels even more scary too as I’ll be handing it over to strangers to make it their home. I have been thinking I definitely need to do some kind of ritual to help myself feel good and okay, thanking it for being such a good home for me and filling it with love for the next people to care for in my absence. I shall do it definitely – thank you. How are you? xx



  401.  #401sophie on August 15, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    393 – hee hee Azure Blu I just had an image of me like a cartoon superhero flexing my masculine muscles – I shall call myself ‘justice girl’ … vivid imagination 🙂



  402.  #402Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Justice Girl to the Rescue!!!

    Fighting corruption and injustice wherever it May be found!!!
    Heee heee!!!



  403.  #403sophie on August 15, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    396 – yes and then de-caping and becoming leaned back, floaty siren, soft on the outside, strong on the inside 🙂



  404.  #404Femininewoman on August 15, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Shannon P.!!! That feels so good to read. I know you are a survivor and that you will come out of this experience even better. Have to give up the old to bring in the new. I feel soooo happy for you.



  405.  #405Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Sophie….Ahhhh… yes, warm summer breeze, floaty siren… SISO…



  406.  #406Labbit on August 15, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Shannon P congratulations! That all sounds incredible. I missed the beginning of your story but I’m so happy for you right now!



  407.  #407Kim on August 15, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Azure!!! Wow!!!! I feel so happy reading about your date with Spirit!!
    Do you know, I live vicariously through you right now!!

    I am thinking how it would feel to be with a man like that, who told me he loved me…meanwhile I am trying to stay open and tell him about my feelings and needs etc. Wow, wow, wow!! I am unsure as to whether I could be so great in the moment!

    You did amazing. Sounds so inspirational!!

    Thanks also Kyla… 🙂

    Hmmm…I feel a little down. IDK, I went out with a guy, a married friend who takes me out for lunch once every three months or so. Two other guys chatted me up..I did not care for them but it is nice to have attention.

    I had to think about wildchild. I do feel sad. I do believe that he did have feelings for me. I could feel it…..I believe that he thought in his heart that he could ‘have’ a good girl like me, who felt safe, who would be faithful and true and honest and have his back.
    In the end, he made the choice..he chose the ‘crazy’ exes how he called them (like him, into tattoos, smoking drinking and just a little volatile and dramatic), the crazy life and moved away from me
    because he got to the limits of what he could give.
    I feel sad for me that I got kinda sucked into the whole commitment talk, marriage and kids talk and everything..it just felt nice. So nice. I never really heard that before, honestly.
    I got sucked in.
    Until I saw the reality and the flaws and the attention seeking and the other women and the unfinished business with the ex, the secrecy.

    It’s almost like I have given up in finding something good and true because when I start to believe it is there and open my heart – boom comes the wake up call.

    I feel moany and sorry for myself.
    I got into a bit of fb snooping and suddenly felt less than.

    Ok, let’s turn this around…I am me. I am good enough as I am. I will love and honor myself and commit to myself and my happiness.

    I will be fine! Damn it!



  408.  #408Azure Blu on August 15, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Kim… thank you for those lovely words of encouragement for me!!!
    Kissss….

    Kimmmmm… darling. Lovely. Siren.
    You Did exactly THAT…
    While WC was talking to you about marriage, kids happily ever after… You stayed open..,
    Shared your feelings with an open heart!!!
    Until he showed you all he was capable of…

    You’re getting closer to YOUR LOVE…

    My darling… give yourself MUCH LOVE
    Love your feelings of abandonment
    feelings of impatience.
    Feelings not good enough…
    Take each one and hold her hand,
    hug her close and tell her
    you LOVE HER FOREVER!!!
    Yay YOU!!!



  409.  #409Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Congratulations Shannon P!! I am filled with joy hearing of your triumph!! Love to you and your daughter as you move forward on this exciting new journey and I wish you every success, health and happiness xoxoxo



  410.  #410Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    (((Kim))) I think the more we open our heart the faster we are able to flush out the wanna-be’s/boys from the mature men. Sure it sucks balls when we find out he’s a boy but it means you just got super clear on some of your deal breakers and strengthened your boundaries. That’s celebration worthy!

    When you walk away from something you thought you wanted because its not giving you what you know you need.. thats inner strength but more than that it sends a powerful statement to your subconscious that you deserve the best and will not settle for less than.. you should know your stock just went up in value.

    Sounds like you had a lot of fun with wildchild along the way and maybe initially already knew he was just a bit of fun and not serious so would test your comfort levels??



  411.  #411Kyla on August 15, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    I’m sorry for my armchair psychology at the end, Kim! I am in the habit of asking myself those kinds of questions all the time and reading back I felt super cringy and insensitive!



  412.  #412Kim on August 15, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Kyla, I probably agree with your armchair psychology lol
    🙂

    Azure, I did not really share my feelings with him, if I am honest. I didn’t have time to even think, as he was constantly talking. He was talkimg himself into things and outbof things without my input.
    It does take me a while to warm up enough to a man to feel safe to share things with him..

    There was one particular episode that still makes me cringe now. He came back from his friend’s house and said ‘did you miss me? I missed you’. And I played totally cool and said ‘no, I was playing with my pictures’…but I had actually kinda missed him. Lol.
    I was just pissed and inauthentic….and interestingly, that moment was the turning point for the weekend actually, that’s when things turned weird, and he got into that whole
    ‘Just sell your condo amd go home then’ thing later on.
    And again I just agreed and didn’t share my feelings at all.
    I want to stay. I feel sick at selling up.

    He never really got the authentic me.
    Perhaps he didn’t deserve it either, after everything that happened after. But, you know girls, he did spend a lot of money and time taking me up there and introducing me to his parents. He did put it all out there….

    In the end, it doesn’t matter because these things would probably have happened anyway, him taking days of space subsequently and going out with the ex, which was the straw that broke this camels back.

    But I do learn feom this that I could stay more open and authentic, in these situations. I was just not wanting to reveal anything….old patterns ugh.
    If this scenario had happened with a guy that i would see as a good fit, I would now kick myself. As it is, I don’t. :/



  413.  #413Kim on August 15, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    BTW his two year relationship, the ex he lives with and went out with the other day – he never took her to meet the parents. Gulp.

    LOL. Now he has to explain to them that i dumped him lol.
    I got on with both like a house on fire…they kinda homed in on me.
    Kind of ironic and very funny in hindsight…



  414.  #414Kim on August 15, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    I take it all back lol.
    Liar and coward. His ex who I assume now is actually not the ex at all, just posted a video on facebook…damn the fact we have a common friend and she commented on it…with him playing bar-games with her and another couple right now.

    I was just about to feel sorry for him..and now I do not at all…if we try to assume that this has happened all along, when he told me he was busy with work, and couldn’t arrange for any dates, he was most likely buy dating her, or doing stuff with her.

    So he is even a bigger liar than I thought ‘I don’t talk to my ex we just live side by side’

    Happy I saw that..seriously, now I feel so much better. Whatever I did wrong, maybe I wasn’t open, maybe I wasn’t sharing my feelings, who cares.

    He is just a lying a-hole anyway!!!
    Grrrrr and also: lol



  415.  #415Millie on August 15, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Shannon P.!!!!! Hi that’s so amazing!! Glad to hear you are well and moving forward!



  416.  #416luzydel on August 15, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I went against to have dinner at a restaurant alone and for the second time another man asked me to sit with him; I nicely said not thanks, because I wanted to enjoy my own company, but I can see these people who randomly approach me in my solo time as my mirrors, and I like what I see. I see the openness I am creating, I understand now why before I was so closed and defensive, and I treat myself with compassion. My friends also notice that I am changing; they say you smile more Luzy, and you talk so freely and honest; and I feel so free and so loved 🙂

    I am hungry for life 🙂



  417.  #417luzydel on August 15, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I meant again not against 😉



  418.  #418Liquid Light on August 15, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Congrats to Millie, Azure, Shannon and all your other sirens at there who are having amazing things happening in your lives! You all are so inspiring!

    Millie, I am just so excited and in awe that your company is sending you to Paris! You are just awesome, girl!!! I wish you knew that because you are! And you continue to amaze and inspire me here on this blog!!! Thank you!!!!



  419.  #419Veronica on August 15, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Azure Blu – 364 – Oh wow that just sounds so gorgeous and you loving you – I feel inspired : )



  420.  #420Millie on August 16, 2014 at 12:41 am

    Luzydel 410—being out and about enjoying my own company feels very freeing to me too. I love what you wrote here, hungry for life! Yes yes yes!

    Thank you all for the congratulation and words of encouragement !!

    Liquid light–thank you 🙂 that feels so good to hear…

    Well….Kyla… Got me curious about why I am resistant to online dating. So I did a little scoping on pof. In the past when I searched, I left the intent to “any,” because I wanted to open and be surprised, but… I thought to myself, I need to know what I want. So i did the search again and changed the intent to “seeking a relationship.” This might sound like small potatoes, but for me to admit to myself in thst way that I want to weed out all those other people is a step. For me to choose is a step. I also realized part of my reluctance is that I don’t know what to say about myself anymore. I don’t know what personality to be. The idea of writing a profile doesn’t feel good, maybe that ok, but maybe I need to explore this reluctance more.



  421.  #421Indigo on August 16, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Azure Blu,

    Your description of your conversation with SpiritCD made me feel soft and warm. I love how gentle you are, yet strong.



  422.  #422Indigo on August 16, 2014 at 12:58 am

    Labbit,

    I feel happy my words felt good to you. I have found with myself that in the past if a guy wants to take it slow, it is inevitably that feelings of insecurity and neediness surface at some point. But if you can stick with it, and summon up the trust to keep being the cool, calm, strong on the inside, soft on the outside woman, it is so much better.



  423.  #423Indigo on August 16, 2014 at 1:00 am

    Shannon P,

    High five!!! What an amazing, strong woman you are!



  424.  #424Indigo on August 16, 2014 at 1:05 am

    I re-read the main post, and I think, even if I were married or in a serious, committed relationship, I would not put my focus on my man much of the time. I’d continue to focus on me, and what feels good to me, my beauty rituals, my work, my friends, my hobbies and interests, going out and being in the world, travelling…

    I want to have the kind of relationship that is easy. I read an article a while ago about having a “light touch” on your relationship – I love that. For me it conjures up the image of freedom in relationship, neither one hanging onto the other or pressuring them, one where trust and self-worth exists, where you are together because you want to be and because there is love, and no other reason. The kind of relationship I can be secure in. My mind does not have to be always going to what my man is doing, thinking, feeling and why… because I trust him.



  425.  #425Daria on August 16, 2014 at 2:55 am

    Men need to learn how to tell a woman that he wants to be spoken to with respect.

    I want to learn to work with men on this.

    keeps drawing my thoughts and I feel empassioned and heart swell flutter



  426.  #426Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 3:26 am

    Morning Sirens,

    @ Luzydel – I feel soooo inspired by what you have wrote! You sound like you’ve really turned things round for yourself. I’m so glad you are enjoying your alone time and dating yourself. It’s really given me food for thought about my own life

    @ Kyla – i love what you wrote here:

    When you walk away from something you thought you wanted because its not giving you what you know you need.. thats inner strength but more than that it sends a powerful statement to your subconscious that you deserve the best and will not settle for less than.. you should know your stock just went up in value.

    Wow! It feels very empowering. There are butterflies in my stomach just reading this…

    So, today I am feeling a bit down. i feel like my self esteem has been totally knocked.

    I have plans and I am just going to focus on them.

    I am going to paint an old chest of drawers. Well I am going to have a go at whitewashing it. Then I’m going to try and buy sone really cool knobs for the drawers. Looking forward to doing something a bit different.

    Then on Sunday I have some friends coming over for dinner as I have a huge salmon I wang to cook. I will try and keep busy…

    My stomach is bubbling….



  427.  #427Kim on August 16, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Waterfall, I hear ya. Keeping busy is the trick.
    I have filled up my whole weekend so I don’t need to hink about my man disaster anymore…gym, writing, boating etc. i won’t have a minute.
    Thank God



  428.  #428Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Indigo #419…
    Love treat the relationship with “a Light touch”

    Thank you for your thoughts on my conversation with Spiritcd…

    I have been working very diligently on being MORE authentic… and soft
    But also want to let this, barely one month, dating to move forward as He guides us…



  429.  #429Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 8:48 am

    LyziDel #412
    Wow… how Lovely!!! Liking what you see in the “mirror”
    I feel warm, light breezy reading about your outing with YOU!!!



  430.  #430Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 8:55 am

    Kim #422…
    Huggss lovely Goddess!!!

    Sounds like a lovely weekend!!
    Boating with MoM?

    don’t forget to find YOUR feelings
    and LOVE them…
    Helps to make them poof faster



  431.  #431Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Millie, (for some reason this is still in moderation???)

    WOW… the trip to Paris sounds Wonderful!!!

    It reminds me of the movie with Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway – “The D*** Wears Prada”

    But in a much more positive way!!! :-))



  432.  #432Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Millie #414
    I feel inspired by your willingness to take a look at
    more aspects of online dating
    and what may be some of the blocks you are putting up…
    I think you have some good thoughts…
    Yes… the profile is such a challenge..
    I have found if I look at some of the mens profiles
    (the ones wanting a long time relationship)
    and past and copy the good ones (showing personality that I find attractive) into a folder on my computer and
    I then put together one that is more like me while using some of the words they use….
    I am always tweeking my profile…
    Since i’ve started using feeling messages in it
    and warm, soft adjectives… (but I’m careful NOT to sound too sensual or sexy)
    Great response from men!!! :->



  433.  #433Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 9:14 am

    (((Veronica)))
    Thank you Lovely lady!!! oxoxo



  434.  #434Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Daria… Yes!!! Sooo important to nurturing intimacy
    Speaking to men with respect…

    from my last 2 cds I had noticed
    I would get allll snarky for NO reason????!!!

    It was sooo great to see me doing it with my newest Spiritcd…
    Because I had recognized ME doing it I was able to stop!!
    Ahhhh… I noticed I start being disrespectful when
    I am feeling frightened of emotional intimacy and instead of opening my heart
    I push people away
    by getting sarcastic and caustic!!!
    Uggghhhh!!!



  435.  #435Kim on August 16, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Thank you for the reminder Azure Blu. I admit I was feelong upset when I saw tye video of wildchild playing bar games and having fun with his ex yesterday, dating her, after he told me they don’t even talk and she is crazy and God knows what else….it hit me.

    However! I am happily riding on today and try to move my focus totally away…by doing fun stuff. Just finished a blog post, had a two hour gym session and now the beach.

    Honestly, I feel sorry for the guy and his drama ridden life. And I don’t think he wants/deserves any better…..meeting parents and talking commitment or not. Someone who prefers to date the ex (or exes) over me, is about as far removed from my ideal man than possible.
    In fact, he is in another galaxy.



  436.  #436Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Kim…
    Yes… always good when I stick to my workouts
    and even do more when I feeling upset!!!

    Sooo sorry he wasn’t honest…
    It must have been a shock to see him
    and her on the fb video…
    Harshhhhhh!!! :-[
    that would make ME cry!!!



  437.  #437Kim on August 16, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Thanks Azure…yes, well it just made me angry, which is my MO. I still feel angry.
    He wasn’t honest with me. That for me is the worst. Apart from everything else.
    I realise, a man like that must be very confused…taking me to parents and dating exes etc…makes no sense. I refuse to feel confused over it because those are not my issues.
    Actually, blocking him and ceasing all communication was the right decision….no drama. Just turned off.
    Yuck.



  438.  #438Kim on August 16, 2014 at 9:45 am

    That whole giving me space was dishonest too..he was not giving me space, he was taking space for himself to have fun with his ex….whoa. Little sneaky coward.

    Men can do what they want to do, but where I lose respect is if they don’t have the balls to be upfront, or give you bs like ‘we don’t talk’ or ‘I am so busy working, I can’t make dates for 10 days’……I hate lies and deceit and he knew that already. Instead of doing the honorable thing, he lied even more.

    Whatever. Jerk. Lol.



  439.  #439Kim on August 16, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Only thing that makes me proud is that I was always honest and upfront, even about not cutting down my options. He got honesty all the way. So there.



  440.  #440Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Kyla & LL!!!
    Ohhh,,,, lovely ladies!!!
    I feel very special from you warm words…
    Yes… using the tools more and more is sooo
    Magical



  441.  #441Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 10:10 am

    (((Darling Kim)))
    Yes, dishonest… ugh!!!
    that’s what finally made me quit seeing my toxic man BK…

    I caught him at his big Halloween bash, which he had not even told me about (said he was up north at his cabin)
    My girl friend and I were out for a couple of drinks and she said… AzureB how do you know he’s up north???
    (cause he was always kinda sketchy about where he was and what he was doing)
    So I did a drive by of his house… sure enough..
    Lots of cars parked all over his neighborhood, people spilling out of his garage… him talking to several ladies… I drove by a couple of times
    I was heartbroken!!!
    all the lying and deceit staring me in the face…
    the BEST thing to happen to me…

    because of RR tools I was FINALLY (2yrs +) able to break up with him!!! I actually called him back a few days later crying and begging to get back together…
    Thank god he ignored me like he usually did…
    then called back 8 weeks later… wanting to go out..
    When I heard his voice I actually felt nauseous!!!
    Ohhh… Finally i wrote him a letter and said.
    NO MORE! and meant it…
    I thank him for leading me to Rori!!



  442.  #442IamHis on August 16, 2014 at 11:02 am

    I feel kind of discouraged. I went on a date a couple of days ago that left me feeling…really surprised about myself.

    He was asking me about my interests…and I didn’t feel connected to them. It was more like a “I used to like to do this…” kind of thing.

    I’ve been struggling with depression. What is it that Rori says about depression? It’s about NOT feeling your feelings, isn’t it?

    Usually a lot of anger that is unexpressed, right?

    On this date, I used feeling messages. I noticed myself feeling really defensive. I didn’t feel safe with him. I felt…bigger. Not just physically (he was a smaller guy) but…in every way.

    It felt like he was talking down to me.

    I told him it felt exhausting talking to him. He felt bad about that, I could tell, tried to change the subject, kept using the word “we” for things we could do together.

    I felt myself shutting down.

    Every once in a while a deep anger or sadness comes up, but it’s hard to pinpoint why it’s there. Not necessarily on dates, sometimes just when I’m talking to a guy through text.

    Maybe I need to notice what triggers it.

    Talking about sex or my inexperience with men TO men…being asked about these things…triggers it.

    Being asked why I believe what I believe what I believe triggers it.

    Occasionally, I will feel surprised by joy or hope…but these positive feelings feel so fleeting.

    I rarely feel joy or hope when talking to men. There’s my one guy friend who is in town visiting who makes me feel really good and safe when I’m with him…but I also feel terrified with him, because leaving him or when he leaves me feels so sad. Sometimes I feel him pushing him away and that feels really bad. Sometimes I want to run away from him, too.

    I found myself giggling in warm ocean water at sunset. it felt so good and I felt surprised to feel so good.

    I felt good last night. With friends who have known me for a long time.

    I felt…hope…while reading a book. I was reading a book and a new thought…a hopeful thought…crossed my mind and I felt a split second of pure joy and I felt frantic to hold onto it. It was like my brain was screaming “You used to know these secrets of joy…you’re so close, you’re so close!”

    I feel teary now.

    I practiced just feeling okay today; standing around people, being around people. It felt so strange.

    I feel disconnected from people.

    I feel sad because I want reasons behind these feelings.

    I just want to feel good.

    I just want to feel safe.

    I feel safe alone in my car.

    That’s one of the only places I’ve ever really felt completely safe.

    It’s a place that is completely mine. I can keep it messy. I can sleep without being watched or judged.

    That’s a really weird thing I just said.

    I feel guilty for sleeping? I’ve been sleeping too much due to my depression, I think. Hmm.

    I’ve been feeling this need to hide lately.

    I’m not sure what I’m hiding from.

    I don’t want to be “found out.”

    but what is there to “find out” about me that’s so embarrassing to be “found out?”

    I don’t know, and that feels scary.

    I feel really alone and not sure what to do.

    Empathy would feel great.

    Can anyone empathize with any of these feelings? What triggered your similar feelings? What did you learn about yourself from them?

    I feel cold.

    (((((IamHis)))))

    (I also feel embarrassed because I posted all of this on an older thread before I realized it was an older thread.)



  443.  #443Dominique on August 16, 2014 at 11:53 am

    IamHis – Love and hugs to you. I don’t know if everyone has felt as you do, but I certainly have as have most every ultra-sensitive woman I know has. Have you seen this series of articles? I think there are four now.

    http://sexandheart.com/an-ultra-sensitives-sadness/

    xxoo



  444.  #444Dominique on August 16, 2014 at 11:54 am

    http://sexandheart.com/more-on-you-as-an-ultra-sensitive/

    there are links to the other two at the bottom of the page.

    xxoo



  445.  #445Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    (((IamHis))))
    hugggs from Me to YOU!!

    How beautifully you express your feelings and your process… It’s like poetry… thank you…

    sooo good to read what you were feeling good and hopeful and joy about…
    and reading your triggers…

    I noticed myself the other night after my date with Spirit…
    We had shared some VERY intimate thoughts and feelings and I was laying in bed feeling angry all of a sudden…
    and I was surprised because it had been such a
    Gloriously yummy evening!!
    I shuved the feelings down because
    I was very confused…

    I think vulnerability is Sooo frightning for me…
    It brought up anger…
    maybe I felt disgust because Spirit
    had been sooo sweet and tender
    why would I feel that??

    looking into a kind mans tender heart?
    it makes me feel like having a temper tantrum
    My little girl is yelling
    How could HE love me!!!
    how could HE be tender toward ME?
    I’m horrible,
    ugly
    disgusting
    unlovable

    WOW!!!
    this is a very big breakthrough…



  446.  #446Kim on August 16, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    Azure Blu…eeeek!!
    I am sorry you had to go throught that, but. Glad it lead you to here, and a better feeling place!
    Yes, we do learn the lessons….thank goodness.

    I don’t think I will ever hear from wildchild again. Usually I found that when the cover is blown, and we see the real prrson, they also lose interest in us because they like to be admired.

    And honest.y, before he could make some excuses as to why he withheld info, but now he outright lied, so even he can’t come up with an excuse.

    They might even have made up, who knows.

    Who cares. I have a funfilled evening ahead with a man who cares for me and wants to make me happy. That’s all that matters.

    Really, I no longer crave the cute, crazy chemistry person that keeps me off balance. Yes, sad but I recognise I would just turn into a basket case.

    Don’t we all want someone who brings out the best, rather than the worst in us? I think so. Love/chemistry/emotions…..none of that means anything when we don’t feel good.

    Onwards and upwards…



  447.  #447Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    IamHis

    Oooh honey I can empathise… I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

    Almost all of us struggle on a daily basis.

    I think you should just try and focus on baby steps. Thats what I do.

    A few years ago I found it so hard to do almost anything so I would talk gently to myself and say to myself ‘if you don’t like doing this you can stop anytime’

    I did this with almost everything from going to the gym, to a night out with friends anything, to talking to a man even.

    I knew I has to push myself. I still do it now…

    I always think of the film What About Bob where he takes it to an extreme..

    Baby steps to the elevator…

    Baby steps out the office…

    Its so funny and it makes me laugh at myself.

    In fact I say it to myself.

    Baby steps out of bed
    Baby steps to the bathroom
    Baby steps to brush my teeth…

    Hehehe!

    Hope this helps



  448.  #448Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    … And IamIs

    Thank you for opening up and being so vulnerable on here. That takes courage to share your feelings.



  449.  #449Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Kim
    thank you for your TLC about BK

    I’m sooo happy you are going out tonight with a wonderfully adoring man who will treat you
    like the goddess YOU are!!!

    Remember to open your heart
    and practice being vulnerable and authentic
    Have LOADS of FUN!!!



  450.  #450Kim on August 16, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks Azure 🙂
    He makes the best margaritas…it’s the little things in life lol.
    Fresh lime juice and all 🙂
    Hope you have a great Sat night too!



  451.  #451Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Waterfall #345
    Ohhhh… this is so soft and tender…
    “so I would talk gently to myself and say to myself ‘if you don’t like doing this you can stop anytime’

    Mmmmm…. i’m going to talk to Me that way too~~



  452.  #452Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Kim…
    Fresh lime juice!!! in a margarita is MY Favorite…
    You will have a good time then! ;~>



  453.  #453Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    I painted my bedroom cabinet today and It took a lot longer and was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

    It looks so good though. Really transforms my room which used to be a bit utilitarian and now already it feels more light and feminine..

    Ahhhh…. It feels good to do something for me…

    I feel proud of myself and yet I feel super, super nervous and scared to say this out loud.

    Arghh why is this???

    Why can’t U talk about myself in a positive way??

    Hmmm…. Breathe…

    I feel like I am showing off. Am I???

    Lol, I don’t know….



  454.  #454Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Why can’t I talk about myself in a positive way..

    Not U!!!

    Hehe



  455.  #455Femininewoman on August 16, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Go ahead and just talk Waterfall!!!



  456.  #456Azure Blu on August 16, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Waterfall…
    Your bedroom cabinet (is that a chest of drawers?)
    sounds beautiful… I know you were talking about doing a white wash on it…
    Did you look online to see how to do that?

    Very interesting about
    how you don’t like saying
    “I feel proud of me”
    Great insight for YOU to explore



  457.  #457Valarie O'Ryan on August 16, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Kim,

    “He never really got the authentic me.
    Perhaps he didn’t deserve it either, after everything that happened after. But, you know girls, he did spend a lot of money and time taking me up there and introducing me to his parents. He did put it all out there….”

    YOU deserve this -authenticity is about you connecting to you and not shutting down from your feelings. This is how you heal.

    And it doesn’t matter how much time & money he spent. You’re worth it…and so much more!

    Don’t ever weigh your self-worth against what a man spends on you. A man could never spend enough to equal your worth.

    You’re amazing, & worth every single penny & minute a man spends on you.

    Love, ~Valarie



  458.  #458Kim on August 16, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Thanks Valarie..oh yes, totally agree.
    Plus, money means nothing when someone is a lying, cheating sciundrel lol.
    It means a lot more to me to feel respected and cheristed and trusting in a man. He could spend millions, I would still not be impressed if I was left feeling bad for other reasons…

    I just feel a little baffled as to what it was all about, honestly.
    And even that doesn’t matter anymore really…



  459.  #459Waterfall on August 16, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Azure Blue

    Hehe yes I meant chest of drawers. I thought you Americans would not know what a chest of drawers was ! Hehe

    Yes, so I looked online and did a whitewash. Basically I had got the inspiration a couple of weeks ago after watching it on a tv programme.

    When I looked online it was no more complicated than I thought it would be.

    Its basically a second hand chest of drawers from a friend when I moved into my flat. Its just a cheap flat-pack type of piece of furniture. But it fits quite nicely in it’s spot and I figured as it wasn’t an expensive piece of furniture anyway it would be good to practise on.

    I basically mixed white emulsion paint an water (half and half) in a paint tray. I pur down some old newspaper, sanded the unit down and then just got to work whitewashing it.

    It took quite a few coats and it was hard to get an even colour. Also it was fiddly doing all the individual drawers and trying not to drip paint everywhere. I also took the knobs off as I plan on getting some nice ornate glass ones.

    Anyway, it all eventually got done and I when I fixed it up in my bedroom it looked great. The only thing is it has made me realise I now need some new curtains and blinds to complete the look. The curtains that are up are okay but a bit drab and the cream now makes everything seem a bit whitewashed. So I hope to get something more glitzy like a shimmering satin purply/red colour.

    Anyway, I’m pleased because it has all worked to inspire me. I now also want to paint the wall a nice deep plum colour to match.

    Well, now tonight I am planning my meal for tomorrow. I have taken the salmon out of the freezer and it is enormous! And scary! It looks like it is staring at me!!

    I want to make salsa verde and a courgette salad ti go with it, along with asparagus and new potatoes and dill. And poss a watercress sauce for the salmon which I plan to either poach or bake.

    What do you sirens think?



  460.  #460