Why Does A Man Treat You Badly

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Here’s a question from Maria that I want to jump off of (I edited it a bit) …

“l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man treats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – was he born with (or been given) a natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl? Maria”

Here’s my answer:

Maria – men treat women badly for lots of reasons.  They’re angry and don’t know how to deal with it…they’re afraid…but it DOESN’T MATTER.

If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.

There are lots of old sayings about this… most of them are about blame and shame and fault – and I’d like to stay away from all that.

We’re all here learning.  We’re all feeling our way through our lives, doing the best we can, experiencing being triggered all the time and feeling the pressure of our old habits and traumas and fears.  There’s just no point in assigning “blame.”

It’s all about responsibility, and owning your experiences, owning your feelings, and being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can.  Trying to “analyze” a man so you can “understand” him often leads to making excuses for him and does you no good…

There’s a song lyric:

“Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly…and I love you madly…you really have a hold on me…”

When I think back on my love life – how this was me so much of my life – that I had no idea that a man I liked would truly want me – that the world was divided into men who wanted me that I didn’t want and men I wanted who didn’t want me (or only wanted me for now) – I see how this PAIN of love has been drilled into us.

We were all raised on Torch songs.  We were all raised on hopeless romance.

We were all raised to not RECOGNIZE bad treatment. To make excuses for it.  To find underlying, psychological reasons for it.  To blame OURSELVES for it – as though we provoked it (like so much you can read about what people think about Rhianna and Chris Brown – that she somehow is responsible for what happened to her by “provoking” him).

As a crisis counselor helping rape survivors – it was just heartbreaking to see (and experience) the self-blame and self-torture women who’d been abused and been at the receiving end of violence took on themselves (ourselves).

We think things are our FAULT.  And they’re not.  There is no “fault.”  Sometimes you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time – and sometimes the lesson (because you have to see EVERYTHING as a lesson in order to transform awful-feeling experiences into better-feeling one next time) – is to take better care of ourselves.

The most major reason why we try to assign “fault” and “blame” is our need for CONTROL and MASTERY.  When we’re in a situation that feels bad but we feel paralyzed and trapped and unable to move – the only way we can “compute” this in our brains is to say “It’s all my fault.”  At least, then, we have some kind of answer.

But it’s NOT the answer.

This is subtle, I know – talking about owning and responsibility as DIFFERENT from fault and blame – but i want you to really GET the difference here, because it’s actually HUGE.

So – if a man is treating you badly – In a “minor’ way by not being present when he’s with you, or not calling, or not following up, or forgetting things, or paying too much attention to other women in the room, so many other ways men distance themselves, or test us, or simply display their decision to not care about us properly…or in a “major” way with insults, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse and cheating…then instead of looking for “fault” or “blame” – just ask yourself:

“Why am I here?”

Just make this your simple process:

1. Experience – actually, truly, totally experience how YOU feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.

2.  If it doesn’t feel good – notice it.  Write about it.  Speak it out loud to yourself – until you can put it together in words to speak it directly to him: “This doesn’t feel good.”

3. Practice speaking this truth all the time – whenever things don’t feel good.  This is NOT about whether or not he takes out the garbage or calls you often enough to suit you. This is not about his behavior.  Not about what he does or doesn’t do.  This is NOT about making a man WRONG.  This is not about making YOURSELF “wrong.”

This is simply about learning to quickly and honestly answer for yourself the question – “Why am I here?”

When you can answer that for yourself no matter what’s going on – then you’ll get this whole, huge area we call “Boundaries.”

Sometimes we are “here” because it’s what we’re used to.  Sometimes it’s what we “think” is right.  sometimes it’s what we were taught.  Sometimes we feel “compelled” to be here because of a strong chemical pull to a man, or because we’re afraid to be alone.

It doesn’t matter what the answer is as much as how deeply we’re wiling to be honest with ourselves and tell the TRUTH.

I know many women, and have worked with many clients who KNOW they are trapping themselves in a bad-feeling situation, and yet simply will not move away from that situation.  But, even though they’re not moving away from the bad-feeling situation and putting themselves into places where they have a better chance of experiencing good feelings – they are taking the baby-steps of answering the question – “Why am I here?” and really, really – as painful as it is – hearing the answer.

In the end – it’s our choice, what we DO with the information we HAVE.  And the only information we have is about OURSELVES.

So – if you are “here” – and it doesn’t feel good – that’s where we start.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on March 31, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    Ok… I just read a Rori suggestion to not try to Get Over the man just move on wiht the memories with you and Circular Date… (basically like the back of the horse maybe).

    BUt I FEEL TAINTED BY MY OLD RELATIONSHIP. I feel like I’m damaged or forever not free or not good enough because I’m still “in love” with this guy. I feel like as long as I have feelings for him I won’t be able to have feelings for another guy to that degree…

    I have tried dating other men, and getting close to them, but have never felt as much wanting as for this man… I feel tense under my chin right now… I love the tenseness under my chin… that feels like release…

    I didn’t do a good job with the horse thing becuase I feel burdened and tainted. I Feel no man will want to get on my horse or claim me when I have another man on my horse.

    hmmmmmm… I also have problems flirting with or interacting with other men ( I feel afraid, guilty, judged, weird) when I’m out with a man. I even DON;t LOOK at other men out of “politeness” even when the other men are WAY more attractive to me than the man I’m with. I want to free myself… Ifeel really pulled into this computer right now… IF eel tense in my jaw… I feel like I’m fighting and running… I love my feelings… I love this feeling of mega intensity… hmm… interesting… It feels like getting ready to take an exam… I love this tightness in my head and that I want to wiggle my foot to release some of the intensity… whoa intesity.. I love my intensity…

  2.  #2Daria on March 31, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    oh and by the way…




  3.  #3Mercedes on March 31, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Dang Rori! You hit the nail on the head with this one! It feels so good to read this…like it’s confirming what I believe in with all my heart. How someone else treats us or why they do it doesn’t matter. What matters is that it doesn’t feel good to us and we’re responsible for our own happiness. We are responsible for both letting him know we’re not putting up with it and and for walking away and feeling what we feel then moving on to a place where we can be happy. Right? Wrong? It doesn’t matter…all that matters is how it makes us feel and what we’re doing about feeling that way.

    I agree totally that it’s not our fault when someone else treats us badly…but we do need to take that responsibility for ourselves, draw our boundaries and move on to what really does feel good.

    I too have counseled countless sexual assult victims (who are or are on their way to becoming suvivors and losing that “victim” label) and you’re so right. We women want to blame ourselves and change ourselves and do whatever we can to make it better when in reality, it isn’t our fault and we need to find a better place for us. And you’re right too…asking that question “why am I here?” and HONESTLY answering it. If we can answer that question honestly and we’re satisfied with the answer, we’re going to be just fine. Unfortunately, the answer needs to be more than “because I love him” (I’ve heard that soooo many times)…we need to go deeper. “Why do I love him?” “What do I LIKE about him?” “Is this love MINE or OURS?” “Is that enough for me?” “How does that make me feel?”

    Abusive people will be abusive people. Only THEY can change that about THEMSELVES. We can only control our actions and our boundaries and we can only do what it takes to get OURSELVES to a better place. Core traits (good and bad) can only be changed by the holder…not by an outside force.

    This was really, really good and right. I hope EVERYONE reads it!!

    Much Love,

  4.  #4Mercedes on March 31, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Oh…and you have a much better way of explaining all of this than I do. You sound so feminine…I sound so gung-ho…demanding…forceful and maybe a little too passionate with a little less empathy….you’re really good at this! 🙂

  5.  #5alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I FEEL FURIOUS !!!!(to borrow daria’s new phrase with her fam) but i’m not kidding. I FEEL FURIOUS! omg. Rrg. rrrrg. blah. i feel like throwing up. i feel angry. wtf. i feel tired of feeling angry. wtf. wtf. wtf.

    yesterday i was highly amused at ex #1. well the laughing has stopped and i feel FURIOUS. although now it just laughed. wtf. ok i feel crazy. i feel furious with my job. i feel furious with the fact that i will die someday or someone i love may die. i’m not kidding. i seriously feel FURIOUS RIGHT NOW ABOUT THESE THINGS. arrrrgggggggggggg. i feel a ball of energy in my chest that is telling me to FIGHT AND FIGHT HARD. FIGHT TO THE DEATH. argh. wtf am i supposed to do with this as i sit like a jolly worker in my cubicle. are you kidding me?

    I am just looking for targets. this has nothing to do with my imaginary relationship with ex#1 that I AM NOT EVEN SURE I WOULD TRULY WANT TO HAVE AS MY OWN. !

    Arg. but i do. but i don’t. but i do. but i don’t. but this that and the other thing is wrong with him. but this that and the other thing is great about him.

    i feel like throwing up. i feel like the most powerful person on this planet. oooh this is good. wow. this feels waaaaayyyyyy better than being tired and apathetic. hah the bright side. the silver lining of rage. i love me. i love ex#1. i love that i get all riled up and thaat i can’t control him.argh.

    ugh. i feel like throwing up. and emily vanhorn my trapped energy therapist would then ask-

    what does that energy want to do. be curious about it.

    the energy wants to shoot up and oyut the top of my head and down and out my bootyhole (thansk daria) and also flood my whole body on the way out. argh. wow. argh. rrrrrruffffffff. i am a firece wolf. rrrrrrrrrr. damn. that reminds me of ex#3. who i also still love. i feel like ahandknit sweater unraveling. i feel amused. ah that felt like relief from the energy shooting out of me like a busted

  6.  #6alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    fire hydrant.

    i like the drama. ugh. but it feels painful. my needs for love and stability and petting and kindness and romance are getting met. can’t i have both? i thought this was have the relationship you want. i want light on the drama, heavy on the romance.

    i feel sad. but i feel better. but my jaw is still clamped. ah but the fire hydrant has stopped thank god. all my frogs disappeared too from my online. so now i have no one. is ok though. i feel relieved to know maybe the frog phase is over.

    ppsssssssssshhhhheeeeewwwww i feel like being held. i can hug myself. i love myself and my creating drama and my firhydrant rage and picking outside blaming targets for inside feelings i already have. i love myself. rrggh.

  7.  #7alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 2:26 pm


  8.  #8alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    so i just took a break and left the office and went and touched four trees and then one big one i stood by for awhile with my hand on his trunk.

    i feel very Julia Butterfly but i feel good. calm. better. goddessy. siren-ey. desirable. high quality. calm. sensual. connected. relaxed. i actually wanted to hug the tree but i’m right by my work and don’t want reputation of crazy tree hugger. i feel serene. thank you rori for mentioning touching things in the other posts comment section. i don’t need to Get Over anything. two exes have climbed back onto my horse. good for them i like them there for now. it’s a lot of dead weight but for this second is ok.

    phew. i feel so relieved and cared for. little alias girl says thank you big alias girl.

  9.  #9Ann on March 31, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I feel relieved that I went back and re-read the comments. I read wrong at first so even tho I felt majorly triggered I took responsibility and went back and re-read and realized the statement wasn’t written the way I first read it.

    Even tho this was a tough post to read, It was a good post. Thanks Rori for reminding me as a adult I’m responsible for me. I’m always thankful for the reminders to focus on myself and how things feel to me.

  10.  #10Deena on March 31, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    I just found your site a couple of weeks ago and have been reading everything I can until the program I ordered arrives.

    Women do seemed to be blamed for just about anything when it comes to men and children.

    I have a boyfriend; yeah I’m stuck in the girlfriend trap. 🙁

    We’ve been together over 4 years. He has been taking me for granted lately and been neglectful. The pattern was we’d have a great time on the weekend and then I wouldn’t hear a peep from him all week until Friday or Saturday even.

    Sure if I made the effort, he was receptive.

    The week before last I sent one text each day to which he never replied nor did he call me.

    It dawned on me that heck, I’m alone 5 days of the week as it is, I might as well be alone the other 2; so I leaned way way back.

    He waited until late Sat night to call me. I didn’t answer. He called every day for a week. I didn’t answer.

    I was busy doing some self-help things, crafts, and reading your blog.

    Finally I pick up when he called and he said, “you sure are hard to get a hold of! I called every day.”

    I nearly chuckled inside. He repeatedly ignored me all the time and now he manages to call me every single day! Clearly he is quite capable of calling me but he was just choosing not to do it!

    So anyway I went over and he was so attentive and apologized to me and said he would make more effort. I did mention that I really wanted a 7 day a week relationship; not a part time one. I mentioned the living together again…sigh…He had the same excuse.

    He hasn’t lived on his own long enough and liked living alone. He’s been living alone the same amount of time I have; 3 years.

    Rori, this is what I want to do. I DO want to start dating others! I feel trapped in this! He doesn’t want to live together or marry and with this exclusive gig, I don’t have any chance to meet someone else so….

    how do I tell someone I have been seeing for 4 years I want to date other people?

  11.  #11Dorothea on March 31, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    I had a really shitty feeling day but it feels great to come here and be “around” other women who are interested in self-improvement, authenticity, and happiness.

    My shit day is affecting me differently than they used to. It has been a while and this one feels different. It doesn’t feel like anything. I can’t decide if my thoughts or my feelings are the ones who know I’m having a bad day. I feel numb. I feel numb and crappy about it. I feel like I am really hungry but in the heart area. I feel like I need to eat something delicious to fill up the void of disappointment generated by this shitty day…something delicious like sleep. I had to pull an all nighter last night and havent slept in a couple days, and now I am home with a little extra time to sleep but can’t manage to get to dreamland. Oh, balls!

  12.  #12Ann on March 31, 2009 at 5:59 pm


    This is off topic to this post but I wanted to share with you. I read and just re-read today’s newletter. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your Be his Honey tool, I just call it my honey tool.

    I’ve been sitting here imagining being honey all sticky, gooey, soft, flowing, golden honey. I feel the honey flowing all threw me it feels awesome.

    I love the thought of flowing and glistening and sparkling with vibrant, nurturing, healing energy – for myself and for any man who comes near.

    Gives me chills thinking about it

  13.  #13Erika on March 31, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Yeah, it feels a little sad, but I just removed myself from a not feel good situation. I care about the guy a lot, but it doesn’t matter. The situation felt wishy-washy, and wishy-washy doesn’t feel good to me anymore. So I removed myself.

  14.  #14C on March 31, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Hi ladies, I feel so un-alone just reading your posts. Daria I feel completely in tune with what you are saying. Sometimes I feel confused because I don’t know if I’m feeling triggered or because the man is bad for me. I just know that the more delicious things feel between us the more I feel moments of being burdened and tainted. Exactly like you said.
    I have made alot of progress and feel amazed that I can feel these things now. Last night I laid in bed feeling tight and sick in my stomach throat and chest and actually got a fever this morning from feeling so stressed. Earlier my guy and I were at the supermarket and I did something that made me feel really unapproved and when I saw him shaking his head at me I felt angry and sub-par and scared like I was going to be hit (definitely triggered because he has never hit me).
    And I felt so frozen I felt unable to speak in feeling messages until that night we were in bed and said ” I feel really stressed”. What happened next was hearing words that felt like I was at fault for everything, and getting told that things were in my head. I expressed that I felt like there was an invisible list and script that I wasn’t following, and I felt that I was failing to meet some impossible standard.
    He shared that he felt like he was tip-toeing around me all the time because I was so miserable.
    I felt shocked to hear that becuase he has been treating me so wonderfully on a consistent basis.
    However I feel like I’m expected to be a perfect wife and lover without the ring and engagement. which I have said that I would like before I feel comfortable moving in.
    I spend at least 5 days a week at his home because I feel paranoid that the moment I turn my back, even when I turn around and pour much needed energy into my PhD, I feel guilty like I have abandoned him.
    A few months ago I made the choice to continue being with him even though he had continuosly cheated on me on dating sites (stating that he was looking for a serious relationship) and he has cheated on me with someone before. I decided only after I double checked the lines I have drawn and said that he needed to get his depression (he has been depressed for a few years and exacerbated from 2 years for broken foot/foot surgeries/ unable to work/ family problems.) in check and I only want to be with someone who wants the same things.
    I am seeing now that he is probably uncapable. And I have put myself in a place where I’m still feeling extremely traumatised by being cheated on and I got night terrors and sleeping problems directly from all the cheating.
    I always shared what I was feeling and sometimes I felt myself leaning forward more than I like.
    He has done so many things for me consistently and yet it is starting to feel like they are favours I can’t afford to repay.
    I feel like the generous part of me is blocked from feeling like a freebie to my previous exes.
    So at this point I don’t know if I’m unble to meet his needs or he is or both. probably a case of like attracts like. I really don’t want to wake up one day and feel like I’ve been abandoned because I stayed with him through his depression and he’s feeling better so doesn’t need me or feel low self esteem so reject me; neither do I want to abandon ship entirely.
    Although I feel ill thinking about out time together as 1 year 3 months imaginary and 4 months real.
    I feel like I have failed at the “decide to forgive him and not punish him” part of the deal when getting back with someone who has cheated on you before.

    This morning I sent him a massive text message. here it is:

    “Hi babe, you are absolutely right. Things feel awful.
    The one thing I know and feel strongly in my heart is that no matter how wonderful the person we’re with is, we can only feel happy with someone when we feel happy and at peace with ourselves.
    I feel happy when I feel all good and bad parts of me feel accepted.
    I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve depended on you to make me happy.
    And I feel pressure to be a perfect source of happiness.
    On T.V and the movies we’re sold the idea that only good feelings are good.
    I feel grateful that I feel both good and bad. Only when I let myself feel good and bad can I feel this deep peace and love.
    I feel grateful for everything you’ve done. You have been a light (NOTE to readers: NOT ‘THE’ light) at the end of the tunnels I’ve found myself in.
    I really want to be in a relationship where my partner and I feel at peace with ourselves and each other.
    You have been feeling like you’re alone and no support and everyone around you is not what you need. And even though you’ve been feeling all that you still are wonderful to me and I feel lucky.
    And I love you and care for you.
    And I’ve been where you’ve been and I can see you’re there.
    And thank you for pointing out that I seem miserable.
    Lately I feel like I’m sliding back into feeling unhappy alot. I don’t want us to bring each other down.
    I want to feel happy and I can only feel happy and beautiful when I feel that everything about be is acceptable.
    And I want us to move forward.
    I will only feel happy with us if both of us are happy.
    IT is not your fault what you’ve had to go through.
    And there are thing s you and I can do so we can feel better.
    I have learnt that blaming others and burying and ignoring will only build up and blow up.
    I have printed out information about depression.
    It is under …………on the kitchen bench.
    Please read it and anything you want to do is up to you.
    Sometimes it’s just in our head. Sometimes there’s more going on and must be treated like a flu or broken bone: with T.L.C and medicine and even therapy.
    If you decide to try anything I will only feel admiration and faith and love for you.”

    So I have not heard from him and I’m due to go back to his place as he’s organizing dinner for his mum’s birthday tonight.

    I feel pretty comfortable. That tight hard sick feeling from last night is gone. I just feel a little queasy in my stomach.

  15.  #15Rori Raye on March 31, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    Deena – Welcome and Brava to you for getting hip to your situation. You don’t have to tell him anything. Yep. What exactly is his rightful “hold” on you that you can’t go out and have coffee, tea, lunch, or a walk with another man? Actually – none.

    Do the first baby step on this blog – Make Friends. Start there and see what happens. See if you can actually give out your email address or phone number if a man who seems “pleasant” asks you. Then deal with what to do when he follows up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going for lunch or a walk. By that point, you’ll have my program and you’ll have a speech ready that will work. Go for it! Just taking baby steps will transform YOU – and that’s what counts. Love, Rori

  16.  #16Deena on March 31, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for your warm welcome and help! I hope it doesn’t take too long to get to Australia. 🙂

    I want to put up a dating profile. Is it ok to do this?

  17.  #17alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    guess what ! gues what guess what guess what!!!? i met a nice cute unfroggy boy at my new hobbie! hah! and he asked for my email. then he gave me his numer later into the conversation. then i accidentally gave him my number right after he did that. which was leaning forward. then he texted me before i got home and said we should do something. and i texted back and said i felt excited about that. then he texted back a wink and i didn’t respond bc i didn’t feel there was anytthing to respond to with that.

    i’m on a NEW TREND. a good man trend. yae yae yae! i am still willing to date frogs and i’m not going to laser focus him i just feel like yae! and he seems good. 🙂 yae! i am still dating circular dating. yae.

    Targeting Mr Right y’all.

  18.  #18Maria on March 31, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Thank you Rori for the post, and lm glad you took this into the limelight and lm also glad that it has touched so many women. That is very important for us.
    l feel little by little warmer, cared and welcomed.
    l want to share with you something very precious that touched me deeply yesterday. It seemed like an angelic touch from Universe. What happened was that one of my clients came, as l have arranged few details for him. He was very polite and charming and after l have given him his final papers, he gave me an envelope, saying: “This is for you.”l was really surprised, cos l did not expect anything like that, so l asked what was it. He said, “it is ok, nothing much.” l assumed it was either postcard from his country but he did not want me to open it in front of my colleagues. So after he left, l opened it, and l found one of the most tender and polite letters written by a man ever. He also thanked me for my work and asked to be in touch whenever lm visiting his country. He had learned few bits from my mother language, which was very impressive and which he had put on the paper as well.
    l will remember this. Not that l ever plan to do something about it, but l was very touched on the inside.

  19.  #19alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    and i feel so happy too because ex #1 still hasn’t gotten back to me and this is after blahblahblah the saga. BUT in the past i would have kicked him out of my life again bc i would have been triggered by pain and fury (as you witnessed earlier in the day) BUT i forced my self not to do that just so i could have that quick jolt of relief by fleeing. so yae! i am actually learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings when a man i love does something i dislike. this may not seem like progress but this is huge. i always kick people out of my life bc i feel triggered by their behavior and i just wan to immediately stop the pain. hence a very empty life. but yae! i felt my feelings and chose my behavior and response and did not just REACT out of being triggered.

    i feel compassion for you erika. he is a messenger somehow and you took care of yourself. i feel good to read that.

  20.  #20alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    ooooh maria i feel sweetness and that really touched feeling inside. like a lightness and fluttering of sparkles. thank you for sharing that. that is so sweet and thoughtful. oh my goodness.

    C i felt a little overwhelmed reading that text. and i am female and not in relationship with you. sounds a little like a power speech. i feel a lot to digest at once. i feel bad saying that. i don’t want to criticize or discourage. i don’t want what i say to be unhelpful. i feel an urge to be helpful AND gentle.

  21.  #21Maria on March 31, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Well, thanks Ag, what l felt was that this kind of treatemnt l will take as an example of how it should be. Like a radar.

  22.  #22ABC on March 31, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    This works.

    i’ve actually started doing this couple weeks back and Rori just helped putting the words together in words.

    it really helps being in my “feelings” instead of my “head” especially when it comes to men.

    i’ve started feeling rejected around some men and stepped way back once i recognized how i felt, and right after i stepped back, i instantly felt better. i guess it took too much effort on my part, and i started to get angry, but once i stop the effort, i felt relieved that i actually caught myself feeling bad–which i was never able to do in the past.

    this is one of the best posts Rori wrote.

  23.  #23alias girl on March 31, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    daria i was thinkinh about what you wrote about no man wanting you bc you have a man on your horse. i feel weird twitching in my shoulders. but i feel yes weird shoulder thing. ok. i feel uncertain but maybe a guy who really wanted you would elbow the other guy out or push the other guy off.

    when i met ex#1 i still had ex#3 on my horse. just pining pining away for him i though i would NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER meet another guy i liked as much as ex#3. i though i would just have to settle for something less and be lucky i had the experience i did with #3 but it was over.

    but ex #1 totally knocked ex#3 out of the picture (psychologically). and ex #2 came along and i would have been happy to be with him although he never actually was my #1. for maybe a tiny second. a few glimmering moments when he really came through as a good man.

    anway boys sense things. if theyw ant to win you they will become your #1.

    i feel so shakey. wtf. my whole body feels like cold poodle dog. weird.

  24.  #24Linmayu on April 1, 2009 at 12:21 am

    The following men are rated higher than me on hotornot.com:


    I feel like I’m living in bizarro world. Are these guys actually really hot and I just can’t see it? Are people just lying when they tell me I’m pretty? Every guy on the site is rated 7 or higher even if he is heinous. Also, guys I find absolutely adorable are for the most part 7s and 8s whereas plenty that I don’t care for are 9something.

    I believe the only conclusion I can draw is that the ratings on this site mean about as much as if they were randomly picked from a hat. I mean, I know I’m prettier than those 3 guys. 😀

  25.  #25Mercedes on April 1, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Rori made a comment one time (I think to her current husband?? I remember it from an eletter). It went something like this (not an exact quote I’m sure):

    “I understand you’re not ready for this right now and that’s okay. You need to wait until you’re ready…but you can’t have me all to yourself while you wait.”

    I LOVE that!! Used something very similar once because I was so tired of my on again, off again, on again, off again relationship. I started dating other men and my man got ready to commit pretty damn fast.

    I’m not saying use the line to make him commit. I’m saying I refused to wait around anymore. I was ready, he wasn’t, I still wanted to date him, but I REALLY needed to be dating other men to see if a man and I could be “ready” at the same time. Just so happens that in my situation, my man was a lot more “ready” than he thought he was.

    I enjoyed the company of other men. Mine wanted me so much but was so torn between freedom and me that he needed time. I needed a relationship. Time moved quickly for him when my Friday nights were booked so he had to call by Tuesday to catch me when I was free.

    Anyway…those words will stick with me forever. They are so strong and confident. They really say “I love you and I want to be with you, but this isn’t enough for me…and I have boundaries.”

    Much Love,

  26.  #26Linmayu on April 1, 2009 at 8:31 am

    Rori, I left a comment last night that I regret, I think it is still under moderation. can you delete it? Thanks.

  27.  #27DocK on April 1, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Hi Beautiful Ones

    I don’t have anything to say regarding relationships at the moment or a response that is clearly linked to recent posts.

    I guess I have just seen some stuff lately about people having physical or situational challenges and I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude so wanted to share that.

    I feel so strong and free because I breathe easily when some people struggle just to do that and my body is healthy and I have all of my limbs and use of my senses and I feel supported in doing everything I love to do: dance, work out, play, make love, sing (badly), read, smell flowers and aromas, hear music, taste food, act crazy and silly and run around like a maniac, learn, explore, and grow.

    I am able to do all of this without struggle and I am free and happy. I don’t know, maybe it does have something to do with relationships after all, when I am feeling insecure and stories starting, I’m learning to just breath and feel gratitude for something.

    I feel so much gratitude to all of you – that you are here and I hear you and admire you and feel with you through your posts. Thank you.

  28.  #28c on April 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Hi aliasgirl thank you for responding and you are right because i was feeling extremely overwhelmed when i wrote all that it felt like a giant outpouring. it feels like a giant meal to digest and i realise now, on a new day and on a new page, that it almost felt like i was starting to use him as my happiness ladder instead of my own.
    Anyhow, I am still learning, and I feel amazed that I can even feel anything nowadays,as I could not before. I don’t want to put myself down, even though sometimes things feel like they are my fault and i feel distressed coming to terms with it.
    I practiced bridging and feel like i have done right by myself for visiting the pits. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by myself and think that i am too mercurial and tempestous. then i feel a lid come on and it feels heavy!
    Right now I feel calmer and after every storm i feel a little further along.
    I’m dont want to dissect every single nuance and moment and word in my head, and i am learning to love my ability to see multiple points of view at once.
    Last night at his family dinner I paid attention to my feelings and acknowledged them to myself and practiced listening at level 2 and it felt good. it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes.
    And I feel grateful to be here.

    Well alias girl, i feel admiration for your circular dating so YOU GO GIRLFRIEND wooohooooo

    the time might come for my marriage power speech….and right now i am learning that i’ve been pushing him away all along because i’ve been fee;ling scared and at the same time, becasue i’ve been practicing tools, no matter what happens it always ends up feeling good. i feel very proud of myself that i have boundaries that feel like a cosy coccoon and i feel safer and safer letting myself go with the ebb and flow and feeling anything.

  29.  #29Linda on April 1, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Why do men treat us badly. Do we let them? Sheesh
    I barely got over the love of my life. At first he treated me great and then at the end so disrespectfully and I let it go on… so I learned not to go there again.

    After what seemed forever I started to circular date. I am having a time with it actually. GOod and bad. The good it it does build up your innerself if you are liked.. If you aren’t and you dont care it makes you feel like superman(woman) lol the the rejection just bounces off. I needed that. There was one that was so smitten with me he groced me out but was a really nice guy… but I just had nothing for him, had to let that go…. and then…
    I met someone I liked before we actually met. He and I talked thru email for a month and then on the phone for a bit. We took the plunge so to speak and met for dinner. OMGosh… wow. Not just on my end either… he was forward.. pursuing me, actually asked me what I was doing the rest of my life… etc….I was leaned back following and lapping it all up. Just when I decided to accept his advances he grew cold. And he stopped talking to me within 24 hours of asking me to be his “girlfriend” ! I thought what? not again? being ignored like my last heartbreak!… Why do men do this? After 24 hours and a couple of text messages I sent, he wrote me an email..sharing all this stuff about his true life. Married 3 times not 2, financial problems, impending car repo..suffering from low self esteem, depression most his life, that he was much more trouble than he is worth and I should run…. well, I considered it all and accepted him just as he was because he knew he had baggage and issues and was teachable and seemed that he wanted to get free of them..and because I believe a man is not defined by his circumstances… Now, The clincher in all this is.. while he said he did not feel a sexual attraction to me when we kissed, there was much more that he was attracted to and found very wonderful about me….followed by he had been in several relationships that were not pure and sexually driven that all ended quite badly! He led me to believe that he was done with that type of decision making. I let his lack of attraction in that area ride because I think and have experienced great passion out of connection (which we definately had between us) I really did not get a spark when we kissed either but it was a very enjoyable thing with him. I believe that things like that grow and happen when there is more than your lips engaged between you.. like your heart and liking the person genuinely.

    Well we spent more time together, but I noticed he was on line still, so I knew “girlfriend” did not mean ‘exclusive” with him that bothered me because my last relationship he was talking to other women most the time we together and I did not know it. So…I kept that noted and continued to see where this would go because I genuinely like him…. we had so much in common, faith, family vaules, gentle spirits, givers, etc etc… he was not very communicative though I did not like that and I had decided that he was disqualifiying himself because he was not stepping up to acheive meeting any needs I have or want in a relationship. Here is the thing… he was witholding one thing that would make it all click for us.. his heart. He was guarding it but all the while wanting to release. He talked a good game but could not do it… that is what was missing between us, a keystone so to speak. I told him in that email yesterday because he had begun ignoring me for the last 2 days… today he sends me a text saying that I am a wonderful gracious woman but it is just not all there for him with me. No bodies fault it just doesnt work for him. I was very disappointed to say the least….

    He had begun to treat me bad it did not feel good to me, my energy was drained but all the while I was hopeful that something would click, like putting his money where his mouth was and really give a relationship with me a try. In the end he bailed and made a decsion based on not “feeling sexual” with me… thing is he seems to be so miserable like he is but is selfcentered too. I offered him a complete different life than he has had but… he did not take me up on the offer. All you can do is offer your hand…… so, I learned again that you cant have a relationship with someone that is unwilling to trust their heart and give it to you. He is making decisions again like he has in the past….He does not even know what he has passed on here with me. He even told me before that my last love and my ex husband were dumb asses for letting me go and he now joins those ranks I guess.

    Rejection is hard but there are signs that it is coming too. I am noticing a pattern here, men want you, pursue you and then when they get you, they backpeddle, grow distant and silent, wont call or communicate like they did. I felt it coming but was hoping it was insecurity on my part because of my past experience.. I am sad to say that it is a real indicator instead of a fluke. I wont let myself be treated badly like that again! If you dont call when you say you will you are headed for the disqualification pile….I just cant take crumbs and be happy with half or no hearted effort.

    Ladies.. I want to tell you that I was so hopeful this time that this guy was gonna be different, I was more cautious and mindful of things that were said and and not mentioned… clues abounded but… this time I reserved my heart because there was nothing to attach it to..he did not really ever offer his and that is the real reason for this not working out… So, keep that in mind when you are with someone, you can be a gentle and sweet and giving, to a man and they will like it but if they are not truely emotional available to you it is headed down the tubes. I did not really get what I was needing out of him anyway and was about to break it off too. I must say that I was very optomistic that it would be different and he would surrender his fortified heart he danced around it for weeks, but in the end he couldnt. I am glad I was open willing to respond if he gave his to me… then I would have felt comfortable to do the same. I have learned not to get all wrapped up and give your heart to every man that comes along even if your are wildly attracted to him…. That is how I have let men treat me badly.

    I will miss this guy and am dissapointed that he made it impossible to really connect and he shut us down as he. The great thing in all this is I AM NOT WONDERING WHAT I DID…NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS FAILURE THIS TIME… yeah!!!!! It is not my issue at all…I will continue my search, I have a definate vision of where I am headed and no compromise will be allowed…. that is how we get the relationships we want… right?

  30.  #30Cassandra on April 1, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Rori….thank you for posting about this very situation. I am most definitely in one of ‘those’ awful situations however I also take full responsibility for getting myself here. I was the one who trusted what I was told. No one made me come here…I came here of my own accord based on what I had been told and shown with actions that at that time backed up the words. OMG how I wish that I had been taught to REALLY pay attention to how I felt about ME when I was around my man before moving here. Looking back I am not all that sure that it would have helped me in not making such a huge move and giving up everything for him however I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would have really helped me to see the red flags that were there….and there were. I have come to learn so much since that time and since being here and I believe that even though my circumstances are still pretty much the same…..I am still here in his house….living with Charles and in a relationship that is completely and totally on HIS terms and there are still no jobs here as a matter of fact people are getting layed off daily here….I know that this all happened for a reason. I had a HUGE HUGE HUGE lesson to learn and I hope that I have learned it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt now that I absolutely have no future with Charles. Not because I don’t love him…because I do but I now know that he cannot dance…not only can he NOT dance…he does not qualify to be my partner and love of my life…..and he is a terribly abusive man. Each time that he ‘jokes’ about me needing an escape route or about hurting me in some way (HE HAS NOT DONE THIS) I realize more and more that this is so NOT the life that I want for myself…..that I deserve more and I do now want to live my life in fear of him or any other man. I no longer get hurt when he says or does certain things because I know that I am growing and in my head…moving on even though I am still in his home and I love him and I love it here. I deserve more. I am a lady and deserve to be treated as such. The other night we went out to dinner and I stood in front of the door until he opened it….I did not move nor did I open the door and damn did that ever feel good!!! I am slowly but surely taking baby steps to show him that I am no longer taking that kind of treatment that he has doled out since getting me here under false pretenses. It feels so good to be in this place…finally. I know that when I move it is going to hurt like hell but I also know that I deserve so much better and it will feel so much better to know that I am positioning myself to have all of those things that I have dreamed of since I was little. Thank you so much for showing me this. I really think that you may have saved my life.

    With so much love and gratitude…..


  31.  #31Cassandra on April 1, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    Daria…Linmayu and AG….I also want to thank you guys because you all have also helped me tremendously. Thank you and I send you so much love!!

  32.  #32Linmayu on April 1, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Wow, Cassandra! It feels so good reading your words. So much strength and clarity is shining through; you have come so amazingly far since I’ve met you.

    I don’t have much more to say tonight. My grandfather passed away this evening and I’m feeling like being pretty quiet. Love to you all.

  33.  #33Linda G on April 1, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Brava to you for being able to realize when a man is not emotionally available and to be strong enough to walk away. I can tell how disappointed you were. I have spent countless months convincing men like this, my ex and even more months mourning what I thought I should have/could have done to reach him. It’s like Rori says, we have to find a man who can dance. Some are just not able and we need to pull ourselves away guilt free and move onto someone who will be able to do this with us.

  34.  #34alias girl on April 1, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    linmayu. my condolences on your loss. i send you peace and love. and hugs. and i feel sad and i don’t know what it feels like to lose someone through death.

    i feel at a loss of how to comfort you. i send love.

  35.  #35Cassandra on April 1, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Linmayu…..Thank you for your encouragement and for your post. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and hope that you are surrounded by love….happy memories and thinking about all of the good things about your grandfather. he is in a much better place and most likely looking down on you and feeling so much love and pride that you are his grandaughter. You and your family are most definitely in my prayers and I send you one of Darias flower hugs.
    With lost of love and hugs…..

  36.  #36alias girl on April 1, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    linmayu. i feel sorry for your loss. i don’t know what it feels like to lose someone through death. i send you love and peace. i send you a heartfelt hug full of warmth and protection.

  37.  #37Daria on April 1, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Linmayu I send you love too and I hope for you to feel the same peace and reassurance I felt when my grandparents passed away. I felt a little sad yet comforted. I felt that they lived a full life and were always going to be with me.

  38.  #38Linmayu on April 2, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Thank you Cassandra, AG, and Daria. I definitely did feel a sense of peace after he went and we were all there praying over him; I know that his soul went somewhere better. I could feel it moving through the room.

    He was a good man, and lived a full life; he was 90 years old. He had just returned from a trip to India, where he would spend every winter. The doctors there had all been amazed by him because Indian people don’t normally live that long.

    His wife, my mother’s mother, had died shortly after I was born, and he had loved her so much that he never remarried. Imagine, a man in an arranged marriage feeling that way toward his wife! I can’t imagine it. But that was how things were in that time and place.

    At one moment, I had felt angry. Because my parents are divorced and neither side of the family likes the other as a result, and my parents often said bad things about each other’s relatives so I always felt like I wasn’t supposed to love certain members of my family. And my grandfather was one of them. I feel bad that I let someone’s angry words put a wall between him and me. I expressed this to my mom in the moment, using a feeling message. Maybe they aren’t so unnatural after all.

  39.  #39Priscilla on April 2, 2009 at 7:56 am

    Linda, what a courageous woman you are. It takes so much inner strength to walk away from a man who “just can’t do a mature relationship” because he isn’t emotionally available. I was in a similar situation with the on again, off again, not enough attention or time, can’t make up his mind, doesn’t know what he wants, etc. and it just wore me down. It was so frustrating and emotionally draining because he was so unstable. I was out on the rocky seas not knowing when the next tidal wave was going to hit or if the boat would tilt over. I was tired of being seasick, so I too got off the boat just like you Linda.

  40.  #40Margaret on April 2, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Thanks for the post Rori. I have recently realized that this self-blame is a feeling that I made up in my head because when I was young and abuse happened I couldn’t do anything so I blamed myself to give me CONTROL OK, but now as a woman I can CHOOSE to do things differently….=) one baby-step at a time…


  41.  #41Rori Raye on April 2, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Linmayu, just wanted to send you love and sympathy at the passing of your grandfather – sorry for your loss, and thank you for letting us know. Love, Rori

  42.  #42Maria on April 2, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Linmayu, l admire the fact that you are indian. l have alwasy been keen to indian culture and admired the beauty. Even though lndia has gobe through a lot, they still have the most cultural strong traditions. l think the fact that you represent all it, is wonderful, so be brave and proud.
    lm sorry for your loss.

  43.  #43Rori Raye on April 2, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Cassandra, thank you for your powerful story – and…you have saved your own life…brava…Love, Rori

  44.  #44Rori Raye on April 2, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Linda – Yaaay for you! And…Targeting Mr. Right is all about this principle: Circular Dating is not about the result of the MAN – or even the relationship…because going for that RESULT throws off your vibe.

    Your goal is more about you – what you can learn, how you can grow – and how, especially jumping off of what you say here in your wonderful comment…you can keep YOUR heart OPEN, so that he feels safe enough and intrigued enough to open HIS – without you turning your heart over to him.

    Make sense? There’s a big difference between being vulnerable and open and being emotionally INVESTED.

    And everything we’re doing here is about strengthening your inside boundaries – the core of you – so that you can be soft, open, vulnerable, raw, and completely emotionally available on the outside. It’s a magical thing – and as you imagine yourself walking through the world like this…you’ll start to feel its power. Love, Rori

  45.  #45c on April 2, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Hi Linmayu, I’ve read your posts and feel for your loss and i feel very impressed at how you are staying with what you truly feel. My heartfelt best wishes.

    And ladies, I feel warmth in my belly just reading everyone’s stories and support.

    I’m feeling a little lost at the moment maybe the caffeine will kick in soon (I’m on the other side of the world so it’s about 10am in Melbourne, Australia).

    I’ve started asking myself the question ‘why am i here’ and i feel almost an instant blockage

    I made a few small baby steps yesterday and I’m starting to not believe the stories my whitenoise tells me sometimes about how i’m not good enough and how i can’t trust him and i’m just not good enough to even dare to wish for what i deserve

    I intend to take baby steps and follow what feels good. I have felt to urge to check his phone and when i hugged myself and told myself that it was okay to want to check it and at the same time it feels really awful to act on it so i walked away.
    I also stopped beating myself up with the inner voice and stopped believeing it when i felt bad. i just felt myself stand and watch the voice go on and on and just turned to walk away.
    yesterday i made and effort to say thank you whenever i felt a bad feeling, instead of ‘oh my god here it comes again’ and found that when i start to feel tired from work, feel lost in my head, the whitenoise voice pops up and yaks away and away.
    it didn’t instantly make to tight feeling go away, but it felt okay to have it.
    when my guy asked ‘did you enjoy the massage honey’
    i felt so comfortable turning around and facing him and saying ‘that felt really good hun. i’ve been feeling this giant knot in my stomach and i can feel it going away a little now’ and i felt this statement coming from a place that i was feeling okay with how i was feeling.
    compared to feeling despair with bad feelings.

  46.  #46Dorothea on April 2, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    I am not sure if this is the right place for my comment but I feel inspired to share with everyone here – all the posters and Rori too – that my life has taken such a positive turn since I’ve gotten into this website. I feel so grateful and happy for it. Even on days like these when I’m running on empty after the second all-nighter this week, I still feel love and hope. I used to fall apart under these conditions. I feel stronger. I feel like you all should know that even though we are practically invisible to each other, I feel so much honor and value for you. Thank you <3

  47.  #47alias girl on April 2, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    yae c. i feel good to read the progress by baby steps. i feel uplifted inside. i feel so good to hear you walk away from checking his phone. it felt like you took the energy back from that relationship dynamic and that felt good. i felt triggered by that. i do not want to be the woman who needs to check my man’s phone. but if i were with ex#2 or ex#1 i would probably have that urge. rr. i feel angry about that. i feel grateful i did not choose either one as my king. i am still circular dating and enjoying it. i did not choose anyone yet.

  48.  #48alias girl on April 2, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo dorothea. i feel same gratitude and love for siren island. and i love to read all these men crashing on our shore. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  49.  #49Linmayu on April 2, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I feel so thankful for all the love and support here from the Goddesses. Thanks so much Rori and Maria and C for your kind words. I find that I get over death quickly; part of this might be my beliefs–I don’t believe anyone ever actually dies; they go on living in a different form, and I felt this very strongly with my grandfather–and part is that I don’t really get intimate with people while they are alive…anyone I really get close to betrays and leaves me, so I’ve already lost them and it’s no further loss to me if they leave this world…but I feel sad for my mother because she was very close to my grandfather, probably closer than anyone else in the family, and she will carry the sadness with her for a long time.

  50.  #50Cassandra on April 3, 2009 at 6:01 am

    I too feel that deep gratitude and thanks for finding this site….Rori and all of you amazing Goddesses and of course Siren Island. This is the one place where I feel totally safe most of the time…thank you for that.

    Linmayu…I am so glad that you are doing ok! You and your family are still in my prayers. xoxox

    C – I just want to give you a huge hug! I know how awful that feels to want so badly to look at his phone but you didn’t do that..instead you hugged yourself…..loved yourself and walked away!!! How awesome is that?! You are stronger than you realize and gave me some ideas that I want to implement into my own life…..thanks for sharing your story with us……truly another inspiration.

    to all of you that have been there with/for me thru my cancer ordeal…..I had my first 3 month check up the other day and the Dr. said that all looks good and that he thinks that he got it all! I will have the definitive results in a few days but he said that he thinks he did get it all. Thank you all for your suport and love.

  51.  #51Linda G on April 3, 2009 at 6:04 am

    Cassandra, The greatest love and support, kindness and compassion, encouragement and validation to you from the Island of Sirens.

  52.  #52Daria on April 3, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Yay Cassandra!

  53.  #53Linmayu on April 3, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Cassandra, I feel so glad to hear the good news from your doctor. Praying that the official test results confirm that! <3

  54.  #54alias girl on April 3, 2009 at 11:01 am

    i feel relieved to read that cassandra. i feel supportive. i feel very relieved and hopeful.

  55.  #55Robin on April 20, 2009 at 11:51 am


    Thank you for this blog- I love what have to say!

    I would love some input on this…

    So the guy I work with ( we are both paid church musicians) that I was involved with, and he wants to be just friends…
    ( all of this happened a year ago, I was in an imaginary relationship with him for a little over a year, he started dating a new girl about 9 months ago…)

    Well, I haven’t been there for a ‘friendship.’ I’m trying to get this ‘rock star’ thing down, where I work with him professionally when I used to be involved with him.

    He’s dating now, he wants to be friends
    and she wants to be my friend, too, and I’m like NOO.

    I don’t want to have him as a casual friend. And I don’t want to hang out with them together, because it feels bad and sometimes I get the feeling that he’s trying to compare us side-by-side, and I REFUSE to compete with another woman.

    SO…I’ve been walking away if I see her coming…and I’ve been turning down offers from him to do things together, because I don’t want to be his casual friend.

    We work in an off-limits area of the church, in which only musicians are allowed. Its just the two of us for our particular services, though, so we are alone. But now the girl he’s dating is coming upstairs to sit with him, and at first I really didn’t feel anything negative, I didn’t feel angry because I haven’t been putting any effort out…but then at one point they exchanged a kiss, and then I felt a little uncomfortable, like a 3rd wheel…

    Before the kiss, as tension really started to mount, I said I feel a little weird, and I think he said yeah, me too. After the kiss, I said ” I feel uncomfortable. This feels bad, I don’t feel comfortable.” He then asked why, immediately understood why, and kinda rolled his eyes.

    So how can I walk away now? If she’s upstairs with us, Its not like I can walk away, because I’m working, and more than that I’m fulfilling my calling and my ministry, so I don’t want to stop…

    I feel like I did everything I could at church; I spoke how I was feeling when I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t get dramatic, I didn’t attack him or blame him, but I did let him know that I was feeling weird…

    I don’t know whose decision it was for her to sit upstairs, but I don’t want to be there with them together and I don’t want to be there ‘side-by-side’ with her; I don’t want him to have the opportunity to even think of comparing us while we are in the same room, because it makes me feel like I’m vying for his attention and I don’t feel like competing….

    But now I can’t just walk away….

    What do you think? Am I overreacting? Should I not care if he compares us? Or if she’s up there with us?

  56.  #56Hollie on May 10, 2009 at 11:01 am

    I read this and it hit the nail on the head!
    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have a daughter who is 16 months.
    he has an explosive anger problem that is really starting to get worse.
    last month we realized i was pregnant again and both of us decided we didn’t want to have another baby for multiple reasons. It was a hard choice to make, but I had to have an abortion. While i was at the clinic getting it done, he left and i ended waiting for him for 2 hours!!! come to find out, he came home and saw a perfect opportunity to watch porn!!! that was the most appalling thing i think he could ever do!! I still cant even believe he did it.
    and of course he saw nothing wrong with it.
    Then in all of my heart break, he has the nerve to tell me that i am overreacting, then he started swearing and calling me names….which he knows will stop the arguing so i dont ecalate him.
    well the past few days have been rough. I work and he doesn’t. when i come home, he will say that his day was long with the baby and he is tired, not even acknowledging that i just had a long hard day of work, nothing like staying at home with our sweet, well-mannered child.
    And today is mother’s day!!! did i get anything from him?! NO!!! Its 2pm and the friggin a-hole is still sleeping!!!!
    Here is the whole problem, I love him and truly feel like we were meant to be, but he doesn’t show by his actions that he loves me. He doesn’t cheat or flirt and i cant get him to go out for a night with the guys…he wont.
    I am so CONFUSED. i dont want to loose the love of my life, but i dont want to stay here and get treated this way anymore.
    I already know i am not to blame, that is no problem for me, i always counter act the bad things he says by replacing them with positive word from myself.
    i know i deserve better and could get another man if i wanted. but i love this asshole!!!!!!
    OK, it feels really good to get this off of my chest and can’t wait to hear what you ladies think. Thank you

  57.  #57Jen-B on May 11, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Mama Cass,

    I’m so happy for you! 🙂

  58.  #58Lena on June 15, 2009 at 2:15 am

    What if a man tells you he loves you, will doing anything to be with you over and over and over. Just when you begin to let your guard down after months…

    But then when you are a bit irritable just once, he will completely ignore you for weeks, and act like you are nothing to him.

    Is this abuse? I know I do not “feel” good about myself now – but I did before.

  59.  #59Rori Raye on June 15, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Lena, welcome – and sounds like you’ve got a doozy of a crazy man there…narcissistic, something classic, can’t diagnose but…and here’s the thing. Your guard should ALWAYS be down. From the 1st moment. That’s how you get connected instantly, and also smoke out the bad apples quickly. Words are important. If you’re feeling irritable – knowing how to express yourself is crucial. Keep Circular Dating – and don’t let anyone tie you down until you’re sure…Love, Rori

  60.  #60Jane on April 1, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Why am I here?
    Boredom… Afraid of getting in abusive relationships. I have run away from men I have been attracted to because I have been hurt so bad by them. I am realizing that my idea of a relationship has been skewed and that I have run away from relationships in general by not being around men that I may be attracted to. Now I am getting stronger. I am going to alanon and realizing the unhealthy patterns so I can resist the kind of Jerk that I would have used to have found …oh so irresistable!!! but a guy that I think would have used to have been irresistable to me…ya know self centered, history of addiction, and a legend in his own mind (constantly living the old days), verbally abusive and finacially unstable, and has no money…
    Well this guy has shown up in my life and i can tell hes got a thing for me. It flatters me that he likes me. I mean to feel desired by a guy who would have hung out in the same “scene” when we were younger. the punk rock scene that is. there is an aspect of “home” and that we both like coffee shops etc. But I cant detect what he has to offer–other than giving me a compliment every blue moon. othere than that its like he wants me to be a fan of his poetry.
    And here is my guilty secret… i actually tried to connect with him. he emailed me and i’ve been enteraineing the whole thing for a couple of days via email. of course using feeling messages and trying to express myself and be myself. since he never asks about me or my life… but instead talks seems like hes trying to be very artsy and profound and at times defensive in his writing. SO really im about to pull the plug. BORED. Plus I’ve got 3 other guys trying to communicate with me in the wings and asking me out. Just had to tell someone….becuase i am feeling uncentered and in the midst of change anyway.

  61.  #61Amy on June 10, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Yes, I agree we are responsible for where we are at and where we are going in life, as with any thing.

    Why are we or I, so in need of labeling or owning someone, or saying we have a husband or we are married, why is that so important?

    Why can’t we just meet people, enjoy them, hang with them and let it be what it is going to be? People change, things change, nothing is a guarantee, so why spend so much time trying to create a relationship, when it is going to change anyway or when it isn’t guaranteed.

    Who wants to go through life, giving of oneself to someone so much, that when they are no longer around, we are just in shock and a mess. What a hard lesson to learn-no guarantees, loss, grief.

    Why not-not claim / ownership of anyone, accept them for who they are and enjoy them when you can? I am not talking about having sex and saying bye- or changing gender preferences. I am talking about connecting with someone in a meaningful way, what ever that may be for both individuals and living life without counting on or depending on someone that is going to change or die or leave for whatever reason.

    Change is inevitable, we change all the time, as we receive new information, meet new people and experience life.

    Nothing in life is guaranteed, so why act like it is.

    Yes, we need to connect with other human beings, we need companionship, just like we need to eat, and sleep.

    So what is the problem? Why the drama? Why aren’t we comfortable in our own skin, enough not to need another to make us feel stuff we need. Why can’t we do it on our own, create this feeling of security, love, happiness?

    We are responsible for ourselves, our lives and happiness. No one else.

    this will be my second marriage, to a man who didn’t tell me when we first met and for the first 6 months, that he was on prozac and chronically depressed. A man who changed from night to day after a year of living with him and being married to him. A stubborn man, who never makes an effort to change or apologize, a man who takes and never gives back. Who never made room for me in his house or heart. I will be moving soon and creating my own happy space with my son. I don’t know what is going to happen, except I am going to follow joy. Joy has already found me and will continue to follow me around as I make the decisions necessary to create a happy environment for me and my son, without looking elsewhere or to someone else for what it is I need.

  62.  #62Rori Raye on June 10, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Brava to you, Amy – for taking your life into your own hands, and I would ask you …what are your answers to your own questions? And – wouldn’t it be great if what you learn from your own answers could help you choose a better man next time? Love, Rori

  63.  #63Stacy on June 25, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    Hello everyone,I just wanted to tell my story of the moment. I’m in a long distance relationship. We moved in together about three months ago , then I moved out after 3 months . we just kind of broke up. Then I relized that I did love him and I would like to marry him. Up until we sperated we had mediocore sex.I didn’t talk to him after I moved out for about two months and then he emailed me and I responded and we some how got back together.When he was to see me for the first time again I was nervous,and then he was there and he started crying and we where very affectionate . the next day he split for 5 hours and I had no idea where he went.Finally he came back and I didn’t push the issue. I see him most sundays and mondays now. He has changed in the bedroom he actually got more aggressive, he also started calling me names and doesn’t call me like before and is always checking his phone. He is acting so different.
    Tells me he will call and doesn’t. I decided two days ago not to respond to his calls because of his actions toward me. I feel sad that I am doing this and it’s not to punish him but he doesn’t act like he loves me anymore and that he is playing games. i want to pick up the phone but I don’t know what to say anymore . I love him but I need respect.He is ten years younger and he was the one to say he wanted to be married.I don’t know if I should talk to himand tell him it’s over.Right now I just want to ignore him and move on is this wrong he does’nt listen anyway??

  64.  #64Rori Raye on June 26, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Stacy, Welcome – and you’ve answered your own question – and quite brilliantly. Keep doing what you’re doing and walk away from this. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Bianca on July 2, 2010 at 8:25 am

    Hello ladies,

    I would like to share my story only because I have to share with people that understand and can better advise…..I was in a relationship for over 8 years off and on and he was a gentleman/pig. He loved and admired women (almost too much). I fell madly in love with him and could not get enough of him. We moved in together for about 3 1/2 years and he began using Cocaine and became extremely addicted and I wanted to make sure that he was always okay because at one point he almost over dosed so I remained in this horrible situation where I let “myself” go my life and everything that was special about me go as well but, I was the only one there who could make sure he was okay at one point he told me that a family member was coming to visit him and we only had a 1 bedroom so he asked if he could get me a hotel for a week so he can spend time with this family member although I had my “womens intuition” I still obliged later to find out that it was another women he stayed with and he cried and apologized and I left and of course forgave him and went back and then his job relocated him to another state close to his ex-wife whom I knew he would visit and vice versa but, he was only gone for 1 1/2 years and out of that 1 1/2 years he visited me at least 4 times. Well he asked his boss to be relocated back to where I was at because the only family he had here in the states was where he was relocated to but, he wanted to move back here where myself and my family are. During his time away he treated me horribly when he was not here and when he came back it was different story and it felt like we had started where we left off but, then he begin to disrepect me and insult me and I was tired of it and could not longer handle it and luckily for me I kept my apartment. Last night, he told me to go over and I went and he started with me again and this time looked at him with disgust and told him “Good Bye”. Then I get an email this morning:
    Sorry again……..Don’t know what to say, I apologize but this is not fair, I am horrible.
    I made you cry again.

    I love him with all my heart but, I am through with all of this but, the issue that I have is how do I do it? Is there some kind of protocol to follow, please someone lead me in the right direction……..


  66.  #66Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Biana, Welcome – and please hear me. This has nothing to do with this man. This has to do with you – and that you are clearly a woman with abuse in her background, and so you are continually pulling in a man who will abuse you, and playing that scenario. THIS is where you need to focus – on healing YOU. You are not guilty of anything. You do not deserve punishment, you deserve love. I know this. I stand here for you, holding the space for you to love yourself and only allow love in your life…Love, rori

  67.  #67SMR on July 26, 2010 at 5:31 pm


    I really appreciate your comments and reading your posts. Like all the other ladies said, it’s nice to know other people are feeling the same way (even if it is through the silly internet).

    For me–I am active duty in the military now and about to go abroad. I thought I would marry a guy a while back but he didn’t like the idea of me working. I am with someone else now…but like that girl said on her post, it feels “wishy-washy”. Just…so so.

    I think I should end it but am too afraid I won’t find anyone else. How is it that I can be trained to go to war but can’t handle not having a boyfriend?

  68.  #68Rori Raye on July 27, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    SMR – Welcome – and thank you so much for the work you do…and, of course – the stronger we are in our work life – quite often the less we know about our feminine nature – the harder it is to surrender to it, to BE there. You are all about action, and that just makes it harder to do love. Please hang out here, and we’ll help. Love, Rori

  69.  #69Jane on July 27, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I read your post and have felt the same fear in my life of missing out on love.
    One thing that has really been helping me is going to Sex and Love Addicts Anoyomous (SLAA). I am mainly a love addict– but I’m learning about my fears of being alone and about my own fear of intimacy. It also has helped me in letting go and understanding why I have put up with relationships that are bad for me.

  70.  #70Confused on August 26, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    Ok, i have a situation.
    I’ve been in an on and off relationship with my bf who is now my x ( but we still see eachother) for over 5 years.

    I love him madly. He says he loves me and his actions do show it. However, he is always seeing other girls at the same time as seeing me.
    He says he dosent want to lose me, that he’ll never let me go. And ive been faithfull to him 100% for the whole time.

    He yells at me, calls me really bad names, talks to me really badly.. but to the other girls he is prince charming.

    I support him financially, i support him in everyway… but he never ever takes me out or puts his hands in his pockets to spoil me. but to the others.. he does and speaks to them like they are everything to him.

    what do i do? .. im so hurt. i feel lik i cant breathe. 🙁

  71.  #71Rori Raye on August 27, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Confused – Please read what you wrote. Does this sound like a woman you want to be? A woman who’s stood by a man exclusively for 5 years, who gives him money, love and her body, takes verbal abuse – and gets absolutely nothing from him? If you were my client – I would insist that you break all ties with this man, stop giving him money, stop talking to him, stop seeing him, take him off your facebook – and start dating other men immediately. I’d also want you to join a CODA group for people who are addicted to toxic men and co-dependent relationships, and start doing everything you can to raise your self-esteem. We’ll help you here, but you need to be talking to people, and working on yor life with as many professional people as you can find and afford…go to classes, go to the meetings every single day – if you can’t find a CODA group in your town – go to an AA meeting, and ask for help and perhaps they know of a group for you. You might even stay in the AA group – 12 step is 12 step, getting support and a buddy is the same for all addictions. I so wish you luck, and hope you’ll stay on the blog and get the help you need from reading everything here. It’s not about him – it’s about YOU. Love, Rori

  72.  #72zoey on April 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    I just came across this website after a horrific fight with my boyfriend. I fell super hard for him. he really blew my mind. We got together my senior year of high school and then when I went off to college, we decided to have a long distance relationship. I stayed dedicated. I rarely went out. I worked really hard in school and have been working super hard to transfer to be closer to him, but this year (my second year of college) has been a disaster with him. Hes been a drug addict for years and he is constantly accusing me of cheating, literally all day. I never cheated on him, and I dont know how to prove myself to him, I’ve been so trusting and loving and supportive and hes constantly calling me horrific names. I know I need to leave, but I love him. I feel pathetic and wrong and misused. His “I’m sorry”‘s are so repetitive and it doesnt seem like he learns anything from the pain he’s inflicted upon my life. My parents no longer want me to see him and warn me that when I come home, if I see him, I will have issues at home. I mean I’m 20 years old and I want to be in control of my own life, but I get where my parents are coming from. I’m so drawn to him. I think he loves me deep down, but he likes me to think he can do better. I know he cant. I’m from a good family, i’m at one of the top colleges in the country, and i have devoted so much of my life to him. He is not doing anything with his time but drugs and thinking up ways to make me into the bad guy. How can I remove myself to this addicting relationship. I know its bad for me but I’m so stuck on the good. Everytime its bad I think of situational factors and make up excuses for him. I don’t know how to stop. It’s a sickness. I wish I could erase him like in that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. please help me. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it. i have consulted my family and friends multiple tiumes about this, but now i just feel dumb for not leaving at this point…

  73.  #73vicky on May 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Hi thanks so much for sharing your advice. I was recently in a similar situation. The guy i cared for was addicted to alcohol and sex. I wasn’t and i really wanted to change him. He kissed me, went out on dates, we started to fool around. Then he said he wanted to have sex. I told him i wont unless u have a relationship with me. He didn’t want that. I really care for him and just wanted to help him and he just shook it off like i was nothing. He told me to stop texting him and keep my distance and that HE WAS NEVER INTERESTED IN ME. That really hurt me, cause i was so attracted to him and really wanted a relationship with him. Do you think he will change??? I have met my current amazing boyfriend but i still think about this guy, how do i forget about him please???????????????

  74.  #74Texas on May 26, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    I personally am in an abusive relationship, came into the relationship knowing it wasnt going to work but I stayed only to think he was going to change and found myself in a situation that I cant just get up and go. I have to work myself through this, financially and emotionally, not saying that I do or continue to put with his abuse. I dont allow it, but I have come to learn a lot about myself, about abusive men, why i was attracted to them that I have come here with him. I loveed him and he loved me too but how can he love me, when he is the one who is abusive to me because it is what was done to him, which explains it all to me. I totally understand why he is how he is, and why he doesnt have feelings or quilt for what he does. I am still growing but have left emotionally from this abuse, and am leaving soon physcially. I hope this has inspired the reader in my situation or some like that can relate. Do not stay, if you can leave sooner, leave dont wait to think they will change, abusers never change. if you need to save to leave, save your money to leave dont think that “he might” because he is not. Get out, and when you do. dont look back….. god bless

  75.  #75Teri Montana on August 19, 2011 at 12:42 am

    I just happened across your site. I must say that I admire you for putting the site together. I as most women would like to think am rather unique in my own troubles. Lol! How self important of me. I was a teen mom who married my sons father. We made it last for 17 years. I wasn’t totally unhappy. I was like a bird in a cage. Too afraid to leave because he was my safety net. He was the main breadwinner. However he became more verbally abusive as time went on. And finally escalated into a physical altercation. I thought he was going to beat me to death. That was the last nite he was my husband. I then pulled myself together and went to work in the oil field in Wyoming. That’s where I met my on off relationship with my ex boyfriend. I just ended it for good I’m hoping. I allow him to convince me he has changed. But so far never has panned out. This last time was it I’m hoping. It’s almost like a drug I’m addicted to. I know it’s no good for me but instead of stopping I tell myself…. Maybe this time will be different. It’s not. It never is. I recently took a better job. In the oil field once again. And I will have financial freedom again. I have decided to Persue therapy once again. I had a therapist most of my young life. Due to multiple sexual abuse. I am aware of my downfall due to this abuse. I recognize my penchant for making bad choices. I let myself Be weak after I met my ex boyfriend. I have vowed never to allow another soul to treat me with disrespect and verbal and mental warfare. I still don’t fathom why a man that loves control would want a self confident independent woman such as myself. I have grown over the years that he and I have been on our rollercoaster relationship. And I can admit that the more self confident and determined I have become the more threatened and determined he became to destroy that in me. I hope that anyone reading this knows that they can overcome anything. We only limit ourselves. Thanks for allowing me to un load my baggage. Good luck and bless you all.

  76.  #76Ames on August 26, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Men do it because there are more heterosexual women who want commitment than there r heterosexual men. ITS EASY TO TREAT SOMEONE BADLY WHEN THERE ARE ALWAYS COMMITTED WOMEN PINING OVER YOU.

  77.  #77desh on August 31, 2011 at 3:16 am

    Thank you for this. I was able to use this framework right away to assess my current situation and it really helped! Life is hard but I am making my way through it, thank God. This was a blessing.

  78.  #78laura on November 27, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    It seems i have been on a sexual starvation diet most of my life. Without going into many details i decided this year it was now or never…i am a healthy, sexy, love sensuality and sexuality 63 year old and became attracted to a man who at first i hardly noticed but knew he was attracted to me. It wasn’t until i got interested that he told me he was married to a woman who is very ill…it sounds classic i know but something in his way feels to me like its the truth…big spark between us…and thankfully i can say i was attracted to him before i knew he was married…sooo, in the meantime another woman is on the scene..someone he has also met dancing….it was shocking and painful to see him with her…he treats her very well..i see the situation …she is the confidente and i the prospective bootie call…soooo, i have been compulsively thinking about him….i feel pathetic and embarrassed by even wanting to talk to him…i have only kissed him a few times…that was enough to bring on big shame and question my moral fiber….yet it has been so long and not many men lite me up like i feel with him…there are other men around but i don’t feel the chemistry with them and i feel pathetic about letting this situation and person get so much of my mental emotional energy. I want to cut off any emotional attachment and desire for this man….I want to reclaim a sense of control over how i respond to seeing him and i how i behave. I haven’t been confrontive or done drama trauma things [not that i haven’t thought about it] but i know he knows i feel hurt and and angry….i don’t even recognize myself in this situation..i keep thinking if we could just talk and i could express myself fully i would feel back in control and regain my self respect and wholeness… all of my wisdom says thank your lucky stars for getting out before any more damage done to my self esteem and yet i am in a compulsive thought pattern….advice?

  79.  #79Rori Raye on November 27, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    laura – it’s your “starvation” that’s running things now, and that’s why you feel bad. I LOVE Jane Fonda’s new book – it might uplift you…I say get out there and find a “boy toy” who wants to have sex with you who YOU feel in control of yourself when you’re around. This other man will get your heart involved. Sex and love are not necessarily connected…and you have to choose between your old model involving shame and guilt and a new model of following what feels good. Love, Rori

  80.  #80laura on November 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Thank you Rori for your quick and succinct advice. I definitely will look for Jane’s book who i had heard interviewed about this ….thanks for reminding me. It would/will be a big jump for me to find a ‘boytoy’..i do know a few who would be candidates..but i know they like me also and i don’t want to do to them what this ‘obsessed about’ man could have possibly done to me. Thoughts on this?
    love, laura

  81.  #81Ann on December 6, 2011 at 1:28 am


    First of all- thank you so much for what you are doing.
    Second- i feel desperate. I think i am one of the worst combinations possible for a woman- i have lack of man role in my life (my father had a lot of problems), in the same time im bossy but always need a man next to me. I think im looking for a father. I just hate this all situation i think im wasted person. I have experienced in my own life how amazing can be to be with someone..iwe been treated like a princess and was very loved by 2 mans in my love but i ran off both times and now i am in this weird relationship. Its been only 7 months but i can feel hes becoming even agressive. And one night after argument i couldnt sleep but i let him think i was sleeping and the way he treated me- turning around agreesively in the bed and punching me by doing that, then he just took my pillow and left me with none…i was sleeping there and literally didnt know what to think. Obveously he doesnt love me- not even close to that and also he is very complicated person so i understand it will never work. I am afraid to think abt it but i am now more than sure that there will be a day when he will be violent to me and what i do? yes, i think its my foult- partly). With my mind i understand but am i really weird and need this? Couse i have a feeling that deep inside me i cant live without arguments, aggressivness..when i grew up there were no day when my father wasnt angry abt smth. How can i fix myself? Meditation? religion? Books? Even if i get over this guy there will be next one and this all will continue. I feel trapped. On the other hand i have made huge inpact on all my ex and sadly but they have problems moving on. ( just like i do)..so i believe i have also lots of good qualities but also some very bad habits and at the end its a lot of mess.

    Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, pain, advises..it helps:)

  82.  #82Rori Raye on December 6, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Ann – Welcome – and therapy is the answer here for you – mind/body, somatic, trauma work, EFT – all of this can help you…coaching for your specific issues, meditation, religion and books ALL help…Love, Rori

  83.  #83Amber on December 28, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Dear Rori,

    I am stuck in an awful situation and time in my life currently although I am trying my hardest to change this I take 10 steps forward and 15 back!

    I was with a man at the beginning of this year I am 20 and he is 29 in a massively on – off relationship. He was unreliable, drunk a lot, and troubled but I hoped this would pass and put it down to how when I met him he’d just come out of a 10 year relationship and missed living with his children and that one day he’d step up and be the man that I wanted. After being with him for 4 months I found out I was pregnant. We decided not to keep it on the grounds he was in a bad place at that moment (not in his own place and he was very low and unstable still – often partying and not going to work)
    He promised he’d improve our situation; make us happy and get us a flat together so that it wasn’t in vain having a termination and one day we could try again for another baby.

    5-6 weeks after the termination a girl turned up at his door telling me she had been sleeping with him frequntly over that past month and that he had even asked her if she was on the pill due to our recent event.

    He denied all this thoroughly and said he had only had a one night stand with her before we knew I was pregnant and that it was during a week he was trying to get his head togther (he didn’t want to see me for a week as he wanted to try and sort his life out but ended up going out more than ever instead) and that she was a nutter and just knew a lot of information about me and him due to working in the hotel he was living in.

    I took him back after a week as I tried my hardest to believe it was just a one night stand and not a set of horrible meetings and him taking the mick out of me to her etc. There was also other txts to girls and his ex saying to me he’d been asking to move back home and begging her back that he denied were true too. It was never him; the girls were always obsessd with him.

    Of course he was perfect for the first 6 weeks but the relationship became intense, suffocating and untrusting after this as I still didn’t really know the truth as so much didn’t add up to what she said. He decided he wanted time apart so that we didn’t break up and I went back to live with my mum during this but in the end it ended in us bcause he wasn’t contacting me during it, would fail on our arrangements and generally still being the sam man I met in th beginning.

    What I am really struggling with is how badly he’s treated me and I can’t get over it. I change my number and block his facebook only to end up contacting him again. I feel cheated out of my baby and the life that he promised for us and since then have felt even more guilt about giving up my baby because I did it for unslfish reasons; he promised me holidays a life for us and we agreed we could not do this with a baby. And now I feel as thought I might as well kept it as he didn’t do those things anyway; although I’d end up being in an unhappy relationship if I had and with a baby.

    It’s so hard for me to just move on basically, to let go and accept it wasn’t my fault. He said that I suffocated him after the cheating and that’s my fault but admits I never would have been that way had he been failthful in the 1st place. Why do I love someone that has done this.

  84.  #84Amber on December 28, 2011 at 5:42 am

    *selfish reasons

  85.  #85Lakiva on January 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

    My conclusion is that guys who treat you badly always trick you into believing that this is as good as it gets or that this is something you have to deal with in relationships. So next thing you know, once you finally leave that guy here comes a more handsome but less quality man who feeds off your open wounds and brokeness and uses it to his advantage. Which only leaves room for HE ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR WELL BEING. Thank you and ladies be blessed !

  86.  #86Kate on January 27, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have been together 3 years he calls me fat I cry and he thinks it funny he can be so sweet sometime and so mean as well I don’t know what to say ate do every time I try to say anything he calls me a dumb bitch then says he sorry he tells me to leave then begs me not to go dose he love me is it me what do I do

  87.  #87Rori Raye on January 28, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Kate – this man seems toxic beyond toxic – and the question is – why would you want to be with a man who’s “mean”? This is where you need to do the work on yourself and start loving yourself. Then, the answer will be clear – and he may even change. Love, Rori

  88.  #88jesr on January 30, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing fiancé, jenni, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found
    spritspelltemple@yahoo.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang. jenni was her old self again and to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened her up to how much I loved and needed her. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but they opened her eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be.” you can contact the spell caster on– spritspelltemple@yahoo.com he very strick and great.

  89.  #89keri on February 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    well why do men tend to always accuse a woman about things that she is not doing at all why?

  90.  #90Rori Raye on February 29, 2012 at 10:31 am

    keri – great question – I’ll write a post about it – meanwhile…it’s just a difference in perception – and we may not think we’re DOING something they say we are – but they’re FEELING something we need to hear. Love, Rori

  91.  #91MJ on March 4, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    I hope you still read this:
    I googled “how should a man treat a woman” out of pure submission tonight and I ran across your blog on this particular comment. What you say makes perfect sense to me and it sounds great- and more or less “easier said than done” fashion. I have had 3 relationships, all of them lasting 3 years or more, and acquired a kid out of each of them. All 3 were very abusive relationship in terms of both physical and mental abuse. I realize that this has become a “trend” of mine. I know my issues that attract this kind of behavior and not leaving upon onset- 1) being that I HATE being alone. 2) I have always felt the “need” to be with a man. 3) In regards to my kids, I was always determined to make it work.

    I ended my most recent relationship tonight in a very self conflicted way (for the millionth time with this man) but I still find myself saying, “now that I’m gone THIS TIME, he’ll change”. Why do I do this? More importantly, how do I contain myself and rely on just myself and not another man when it has always (and still is) a dream of mine to be a wide and mother and have a lawn to cut my grass!? And now that I have 2 children from different fathers (my third child died of sids) how in the heck am I going to find a man that would accept that?? OR should that not even be a concern of mine since I obviously can’t maintain a healthy relationship??

    In regards to your comments about a woman faulting herself or making excuses for the man being abusive- yes, I do. I know I nag til kingdom come, I know small things frustrate me and I myself snap, and I know I’m needy and selfish and spoiled… Bottom line I guess, is that there is obvious need to work on myself but where would “one” start?

    Thanks in advance for your response.

  92.  #92MJ on March 4, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    I hope you still read this:
    I googled “how should a man treat a woman” out of pure submission tonight and I ran across your blog on this particular comment. What you say makes perfect sense to me and it sounds great- and more or less “easier said than done” fashion. I have had 3 relationships, all of them lasting 3 years or more, and acquired a kid out of each of them. All 3 were very abusive relationship in terms of both physical and mental abuse. I realize that this has become a “trend” of mine. I know my issues that attract this kind of behavior and not leaving upon onset- 1) being that I HATE being alone. 2) I have always felt the “need” to be with a man. 3) In regards to my kids, I was always determined to make it work.
    I ended my most recent relationship tonight in a very self conflicted way (for the millionth time with this man) but I still find myself saying, “now that I’m gone THIS TIME, he’ll change”. Why do I do this? More importantly, how do I contain myself and rely on just myself and not another man when it has always (and still is) a dream of mine to be a wide and mother and have a lawn to cut my grass!? And now that I have 2 children from different fathers (my third child died of sids) how in the heck am I going to find a man that would accept that?? OR should that not even be a concern of mine since I obviously can’t maintain a healthy relationship??
    In regards to your comments about a woman faulting herself or making excuses for the man being abusive- yes, I do. I know I nag til kingdom come, I know small things frustrate me and I myself snap, and I know I’m needy and selfish and spoiled… Bottom line I guess, is that there is obvious need to work on myself but where would “one” start?
    Thanks in advance for your response.

  93.  #93Rori Raye on March 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

    MJ – The answer is in my Toxic Men program….there’s a quiz, there’s a huge amount of amazing inner work in that program…it will turn the lightbulb on in your head and you’ll know how to proceed. (Start with the ebook first, tho – it will give you the foundation for understanding everything…) Love, Rori

  94.  #94GivingGirl on April 4, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Been dating 7 months, currently off for the last 1.5 weeks. When I’m unhappy with something and try to talk about it, he tells me I’m overanalyzing. It really irritates me. Today, after he was questioning me about what I’m feeling behind my smile, I was afraid, but I expressed my feelings and that was what he said. I’m not even responding because I feel like he’s been trying to provoke a fight all day. Why ask me if he doesn’t care to hear what I have to say?

  95.  #95Rori Raye on April 4, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Giving Girl – How are you saying it? What words do you use? Love, Rori

  96.  #96Cheyrl on April 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Hi, I need help 🙁
    the thing is i was so in love that my life wasnt worth living if he isnt init. But now i dont know i think i still do but the way he talks to me just makes me cry.
    He wants everything his way or he just cuts the phone and when i call him he doest pick up so i have to always wait for him to call or come by. I have used bad language only once towards him which was a while ago but now he uses such horrible swears nearly everyday, how can i stop this ?
    Plus i have told him from the start of our 5 year relationship he cant have contact with his ex’s and i have seen he still does after telling me he hasnt.
    The last time i told his i love him was couple of weeks ago and when he said it back he said “your forcing me to say i love you too”
    what is that spose to mean ?
    He is really doing my head in and i think i am getting slightly depressed because my behaviour with my family and friends are always how me and him are like that day and i dont know what to do because now i am thinking of taking our relationship to the next level which is marriage but if i do have i got something to be worried about and would i be making a mistake ?
    I have made silly mistakes in the past but nothing as serious as what people are doing these days and i try and block them out and i say to myself he wouldnt do anything like thats other wise he wouldnt be with me. But i dont know if he loves me i dont know how to find out.

  97.  #97GivingGirl on April 4, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thank for replying. Basically, I started this defensive behavior in him 1.5 weeks ago when I had a very poor delivery of my worries. He clams up, ignores, I try to talk & he says it’s just stress & pressure & that makes him not want to talk. His immediate response is we should just be friends so we don’t have to feel this way. So obviously, he doesn’t deal well with feelings.

    Well, I messaged him Monday & he was mad about it. So, I decided to stop & I found your ebook. Monday my niece was born & I wanted so bad to text him about it, but restrained myself cause I didn’t want to aggravate him more. He works with my mom, so he heard about the baby & he text me congrats. I didn’t respond until I went to bed with a simple thanks. Since then, he’s been texting & I’ve been waiting to respond, instead of right away like I usually do.

    This morning he was driving next to me. He started singing & being goofy & friendly. I was smiling, laughing & singing back. This was all at a red light. Then I drive my way & he went his way. Ten minutes later he text me asking, are you still cranky (the nickname he calls me). I didn’t understand it cause I was just all smiles. I was a little irritated by this cause me being upset & bothered by things does not equate cranky. I replied, “did I look cranky? I thought I was smiling at you.” He replied, “you thought”. I replied, “I was. Why did you think I was cranky?” He replied, “maybe a little”. I wasn’t really sure what he meant. I said, “why?” he said, “why not”.

    Now I’m getting more irritated because I feel like he’s just debating with me. But, instead of showing that, I thought maybe I’m misreading it, so I replied, “I don’t think I’m understanding what ur saying. I’m confused. I was asking the reason u thought I was cranky. Did I do something 2 make u think that?” He replied, “didn’t look happy.” Again, confused. I replied, “I was smiling, laughing & singing to you.” He replied, “but behind that”. So now I don’t know what to say. Of course I’m upset, we’re fighting & nothing has been discussed, no resolutions, what does he expect from me? And why is he asking when he usually avoids these topics? I thought long & hard before answering.

    I replied, “I’m scared to answer this. Mon u were mad @ me 4 messaging u, so I decided to back off. I didn’t text u bout my niece cause I didn’t want to aggravate u more & make u hate me. Since then, u’ve been texting me. 2day u were all friendly & now it seems like u want to know how I’m feeling. I’m not sure what to think & if I’m misreading u.” He replied, “you’re overanalyzing”. I do tend to think a lot about things, but I really think he says this cause he knows it gets under my skin. I was mad that I just expressed how I’m feeling & that’s what he said & why push me like this to find out how I’m feeling if that’s his reply.

    I waited a bit & then replied, “not overanalyzing.” I knew anything else I would say would be fighting words & I felt like he was trying to fight for some reason. He replied, “you sure”. I replied, “Yes, those r my feelings & feelings can’t b overanalyzed cause they just are. There’s a difference.” I don’t know how to get off this defensive stance we have going on. I’m feeling guarded because I want to express myself, but not when he’s not ready to hear me. Thanks!

  98.  #98Rori Raye on April 5, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Cheyrl, I want to give you a big hug and welcome you here and ask you to please listen to what the other women here say to you…your letter reflects deep, low self-esteem, where you are “throwing your pearls before swine” and accepting a man who is not only doing nothing for you, he’s actively bruising you emotionally. You deserve better. Please stop trying to PLEASE him! Regardless of what he feels, he isn’t ACTING like he loves you – and that’s what counts. Love, Rori

  99.  #99Marilyn on April 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Hi Ron. I found your letter very insightful. I was actually reading it in response to a situation that I am having with my son’s dayhome lady (I find her very disrespectful and wasn’t sure why or how to handle it). As I read though, I realized how applicable what you wrote was to my relationship with my significant other, and quite frankly, to other relationships that I feel I must have (ie family, co-workers) and I see a very common pattern developing. Unfortunately, I am the common denominator in those patterns. While I don’t feel I deserve to be treated poorly, or disrespectfully, I realize that I am. Quite often in fact. I attribute in part to no standing up for myself. For accepting poor treatment and explaining it away, as an outside issue. But somehow that doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better when it is I who then has to carry a load of mistreatment memories around with me. How does one begin the process of being treated well?

  100.  #100Rori Raye on April 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Marilyn – This is a journey to a new sense of high regard for yourself. Read everything you can here, learn Riffing, get into this community, and start simply with my ebook – Love, Rori

  101.  #101sophia on May 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    I feel like i let men treat me badly all the time. today i was walking with my sister telling her that i was guilty for how the latest man in my life treated me. im 22 living abroad trying to enjoy life and forget about the assholes that i have had in my life. I meet a guy thats 28, good looking, but a pro athlete. my first thought was umm maybe not a good idea but then he seemed into me, and i dont have the highest self esteem so i was very flattered. My problem was that 1) i was a virgin before meeting this man, and 2) my shyness and low confidence are really easy to spot. I wanted to be mature and confident around him, but eventually the sex topic came up and my the true me came out. I decided to have sex with him after knowing him for less than one month. I just wanted to get the act over with because i felt weird abt being 22 and a virgin and he seemed genuine and nice. After i slept with him we texted a couple times after but he was always too busy to meet me. when i confronted him about it, he got very defensive and told me that he wasnt looking for love and that i had high expectations. i let it slide, and told myself that i knew what i had gotten into. then he leaves and i find out days later. i was upset that he dint even think if of telling me, and i told him about it but he got defensive again and told me “here u go again accusing me of shit”…after that i thought i was never going to hear from him, but he texts me again to let me know he has one last night in the city. i thought ok maybe he wants to hang out…so i ask him, and he says yes, but ignores the rest of my texts throughout the night. I havent spoken to him since and have the feeling that i never will. I feel like an idiot for letting this happen. waited so long bc i could never trust my cheating bf. the worst feeling is that i still think he is a good person, but treated me badly cus he saw he could. I always thought that if u treat a person kindly they would do the same, but i guess w men, u cant be too kind. any advice? how do i make men want to treat me well?

  102.  #102Jackie on May 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Wow….how did I manage to stumble across this site? Hmm…well, it is fate, I am sure. I too am struggling with ending a relationship of 14+ years. Us, well, we’re madly in love with each other, but this man will NEVER commit fully. We are like puzzle pieces that fit, but for some reason they won’t stay. I am so tired of being happy and unhappy in a matter of seconds. It is now that I must take responsibility for my actions and choices. I preach a good one, but need to start putting my support and encouragement into ME. My guy loves me and loves being with me…but at what or who’s costs? Embarrassingly, MINE. I really got it this morning. And although it is VERY hard for me to let this man go (as it is hard for him to let me go – which I feel he’s already done) I know deep down inside that I must. I just know that I am not currently strong enough to be around him, because we ALWAYS fall back ‘in love’….like everyday. It seemed so right, but really, it’s ridiculous. At some point this has got to stop. So, I was so angry with him at the (my) hot tub this morning, that as I walked towards the house, I kicked his cell phone into the water. Now what kind of crap is that? Just way out of character and not necessary. I’m just sick of him, his words, his love-making, and everything that is too good to be true. I need a break and an opportunity to move forward. Will he (or will I) let me? Today, I started owning my role in this relationship. As long as I let him….he will. A little about me: well, I’m a lady; I am strong; I am sensitive; I love hard; I work hard; I mean business; I love people and many people love me; I love to travel; I love to shop; I love to read; I LOVE to LEARN…my degrees have been a blessing to me! Being educated has helped me and harmed me….OR have I harmed me by allowing a relationship to last for so long and then for naught. I mean, we don’t live with each other, and honestly, I believe (I know in my soul) he is living two different lives. A life I know nothing about. Am I strong enough to overcome and conquer this hold on me? I am FIGHTING to the finish!

    Thanks, Rori for this site!

  103.  #103julia on June 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    i have a boyfriend we 2gther like along time .first when we meet he want me so badly when time goes by he treat me bad agru with me for nothng alwys talk about his ex and things like that .i wanna know why he treat me rily bad??????????? i wanna move on but i cnt cuz i love him to much evrytime i just to live him but then i get back with him and then he stil do it .plz help i wanna know why he do does thing why he treating me bad ?????? am good person give him evrything he want but in return he treat me bad

  104.  #104Rori Raye on June 16, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Julia, Welcome – and loving a man isn’t enough. He has to love YOU – and he has to love you even MORE than you love him. This man doesn’t love you – at least not enough to get better at knowing how and wanting to make you happy.. Please find a way to take care of yourself and find a new man who DOES love you. Love ,Rori

  105.  #105Rebecca on July 7, 2012 at 2:26 am

    I have been in a relationship for a year and a half…married to him for just over a year. Before we married he treated me great and bent over backwards to do things for me. He always spoke politely to me and with an overall sense of respect. In the last 6 months he has started to be very short with me. For example I asked him the reason he doesn’t like cherries today and he answered very curtly saying; “just because I don’t”. I merely wanted to learn something new about him but I was left feeling like it was a chore for him to talk to me. He also huff’s and puffs when I ask him to do something for me…like I am inconveniencing him or something. One other thing that bothers me is that he finds negative things about my mom to comment about. She helps around the house because I am disabled and he never speaks to her. He stays in our bedroom while she is here and doesn’t come out until after she leaves. Not sure what to make of that. He doesn’t have a job and he hasn’t had one for the past year and a half except for a few weeks working a temp job. He’s going to school online and gets $300 a month for housing allowance and he makes $100 a month from national guard service for 1 weekend a month. We are financially strapped and I find I am the one supporting us…which is very stressful. Should I expect more from him? Sometimes I wonder if he is using me just for financial support. How can I know for sure. I stay because I love him and because of my disability I fear being alone and living alone. I hope you can offer some insight.

  106.  #106Rori Raye on July 7, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Rebecca – Everything in life is a tradeoff. I’m going to publish your comment and my answer as a post…look for it soon…Love, Rori

  107.  #107Courtney on July 9, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    I have been with my husband for almost 10 years we have been married for about 5 of those years I am 26 he is 33. He expects me to set at the house with our 4 yr old daughter and see no one bc he says he is afraid something will happen to us. But I get so lonely and bored so I go to a family members house bc I don’t have friends anymore bc he doesn’t Pprove of Ny of my friends. Well he gets really mad at me and acts like I’m a horrible wife when I go to my families house and he won’t speak to me and acts like Indont care about him I care about everyone else but him. And I’m not supposed to have needs or wants I’m just supposed to be happy I have him and my daughter and it should be enough. He also treats me like crap when I spend his money like I don’t deserve a dime because he is the one working for it but when I get a job he makes me quit because guys hit on me or he thinks I’m cheating on him he is so jealous. But he calls me a bad mom a bad wife always talking down to me like I’m stupid and since he is older I’m supposed to listen to everything he says and do exactly what he wants me to do. I just can’t take it anymore I try to talk to him but he gets really angry and acts like I shouldn’t even tell him about my problems and feelings it’s only his feelings that matter what do I have to complain about he treats me like gold! And I am just being selfish! I don’t know what to do I have my 4 yr old and I don’t want to break up my family. When I do exactly what he wants me to do things are fine. If I want anything I have to have sex with him as payment and that also makes me feel even lower and used. But should I choose my happiness over my little girl having her family together? She lives her daddy and is happy at her home and I don’t want to take that away from her I would feel selfish then! What do I do??

  108.  #108Rori Raye on July 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Courtney! – This is a case for professional help. Tell him you’re having difficulty communicating clearly with him, that you so appreciate what a great husband and father he is, and you’re feeling a bit lost in negotiating some compromises with him about how your life with him should look so you can both be happy and not fight anymore. And say that it’s feeling really bad – so bad that it’s turning you off, and you don’t want to do that, would he please be generous and kind as he always is and agree to go to counseling with you. That he can pick someone and you’ll pick someone, and you’ll see them both and then choose. Then make an appointment and go – with him or without him.

    Coaching with one of the great coaches here would work, too – Orna and Matthew, being husband and wife, might be very helpful for you – they’re at http://www.creatingloveonpurpose.com – he can look at their site with you…Love, Rori

  109.  #109JoeAnn on July 18, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    Hi I have a question about whether or not I’m being too much of a doormat. I got married to the man of my dreams a virgin, had four kids and have been married for 8 years. Well while I was pregnant with my fourth I learn that he has cheated on me with five different whores six time on a months time. I forgave him and have been living with it . He assures me that he will never do it again I don’t want to break my family up but it bites at me all the time. Am I stupid?

  110.  #110Rori Raye on July 19, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    JoAnn – Please get some counseling. And watch episodes of “The Good Wife” – and read Sheri Meyers book Chatting and Cheating, and if you can afford counseling – work with her. Love, Rori (I deleted your last name for yur privacy)

  111.  #111Anne on August 25, 2012 at 3:31 am

    Sorry Rori- this story may sound ridiculous and stupid, but what has happened has affected me badly. I was wondering if you can help. During college, there was this girl who kept trying to steal a friend of mine away who I really liked. He finnaly found out about this, and so we tried to get the her to stop, even going as far to pretend we hated each other. But this girl would NOT leave us alone. It calmed down eventually, and I made friends with this girl.

    Over time, he asked me out! Having already fancied him for ages, I agreed. Luckily, the girl was okay with it. But, two months later, she starts off at me again. She tries to steal attention from him, deliberately acting OVER affectionate with him, being extra nice to him, and only doing it in front of me to hurt me. When my mum came In college, she started being nice to her right in front of me, hoping mum would act nice to her, hurting me again. She knew her behaviour was upsetting me. Manipulative and evil.

    This behaviour of hers made me physically unwell with worry, made me nervous and I ended up in tears.

    My boyfriend let it slip that he KNEW what she was doing to me, how she was hurting me. Angry, I confronted him, asking why he didn’t help me. His reply was: ‘Because she’ll put me in the evil zone!’ When I said I was going to ‘put a stop to this!’, he told me if I did, he would leave me for a while.

    He could have easily helped me. But he chose not to. He even played along with her manipulative games, knowing for a fact it would hurt me.

    Is this guy even worth it? Or am I missing something?

  112.  #112Rori Raye on August 25, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Anne – you’re missing something. You’re coming from a very young, inexperienced place. Unless there’s something here you didn’t say – I don’t see that your bf has had anything to do with this girl except act decently and friendly to her. And also – she’s done nothing but chase a man who is not interested in her relentlessly. And instead of seeing this for what it is – you’re creating drama and jealousy that is driving your bf away from YOU!! Let it all go. Go watch the film “Young Adult” and see how the wife in that handles Charlize Theron. Love, Rori

  113.  #113Tina on September 1, 2012 at 4:18 am

    This was excellent. Thank you.

  114.  #114aliya on October 9, 2012 at 3:06 am

    i fell in love with a guy,who initially showed a lot of care and love for me.we were very happy for some months.we even got intimate but after that he left me giving no reasons and did not contact or cal me.did not even talk to me when we came across each other at college.a year later,i still love him a lot.on my effort and wish,he agreed to keep friendship with me,but this is fake i know.i just message him once in a while.i never feel he respects me or cares for me at all.very recently,we again got intimate.after this,may be he got scared that i might chase him.when i called him,he behaved very rudely with me and said he does not care if it makes me feel bad,told me to leave him alone for a few days.
    i was so badly hurt.i have loved this guy without asking for anything.i feel small,my self respect shattered as a girl.i wish to say something hard to him…what do i do? i feel mentally unpeaceful as i lost my respect….please help me.

  115.  #115aliya on October 9, 2012 at 3:21 am

    regardless of whether a girl’s husband is good or bad(we cannot determine this easily and no one knows who pretends as what),should she tell him about her past intimacy or is it better to keep the things to yourself? a friend of mine fears that while sharing not so good past helps in connecting on an emotional level,it can also ruin the real sweetness of the marriage in ways little or more…wat should she do?

  116.  #116Rori Raye on October 9, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    aliya – here’s what I think about this…keep it to yourself about your sexual past unless he asks. Then – don’t lie. You can say…I feel really weird sharing this – I sure don’t want to know about your sexploits with other women before me! And if he pursues – you might want to write down in advance what you’d be willing to see in print – the truth, but not necessarily the details. In my experience – men don’t want to know and they don’t ask. Love, Rori

  117.  #117Ry on October 10, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    I’ve been doing some research online because I want to take care of my self and discover why I picked yet another man that sabotaged our relationship.

    My ex and I had some rough spots to deal with, my financial issues and his trust and insecurity issues. We fought and mostly it was his initiation and most of it was over his wild imagination and fear that I was not loyal. In these fights, it was always about him wanting me to be wrong. He really needed to have a losers and a winner. I maintained the stance of everyone has something to say here and it’s about taking ownership, not fighting a war. He hated that, said it always mad him the ass (because he starts the fights)

    Sadly, I discovered he had started an emotional affair with a woman from work. I blew up, considering his accusations to me. He left and I was going to move out. He begged me to stay and I did think, “What would I stay for?” I had a long list of everything I loved so much about him, things I never thought I would find in a partner and I did still feel that love. The list of bad things were very short yet they seemed pretty bad.

    Foolishly I stayed. Only because he went the therapy. He said he already decided he never wanted to contact that woman again. He promised to take ownership of what he did and hold my hand, hug me and let me cry, scream and throw fits over the anger and hurt he caused.

    Guess what? He went to therapy but the other parts…not so much. He began deflecting, it was my fault, he thought I over reacted to his friendship–it was no longer allowed to be called an affair–and he was not going to allow me to me angry at him anymore.

    I left and now he will comment to me that he never wanted it to end, he was tiring to fight like hell for us. it was just all too much at once for him to admit to. AND, he’s in contact with the other woman and he still refuses to call his affair what it is and take responsibility.

    So why, do I want to be there with him. I’m a reasonable person, I do not allow others to manipulate me with their issues…but I feel like maybe I do. Why do I want this man? Why would I consider it? What is wrong with my head? I’m not afraid to start over. I’m not lonely. I miss my best friend. I miss our life, just not his issues and not the affair, i miss the awesome future we had planned. Why am I “Here”?

  118.  #118Rori Raye on October 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Ry – you say he’s in therapy now. Are you? Do you have a coach or therapist? Perhaps working personally with someone would answer all your questions, and then we could be of more help here helping you shift the old patterns. Love, Rori

  119.  #119aliya on October 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I fell in love with a guy,who initially showed a lot of care and love for me.we were very happy for some months.we even got intimate but after that he left me giving no reasons and did not contact or cal me.did not even talk to me when we came across each other at college.a year later,i still love him a lot.on my effort and wish,he agreed to keep friendship with me,but this is fake i know.i just message him once in a while.i never feel he respects me or cares for me at all.very recently,we again got intimate.after this,may be he got scared that i might chase him.when i called him,he behaved very rudely with me and said he does not care if it makes me feel bad,told me to leave him alone.
    i was so badly hurt.i have loved this guy without asking for anything.i feel small,my self respect shattered as a girl.i wish to say something hard to him…what do i do? Should i never contact him again or should i at least speak on face how much he has hurt me…i feel mentally unpeaceful as i lost my respect,the one that a girl loses when her mind body and soul are so humiliated….please help me..tell me anything that can help me.
    love aliya.

  120.  #120Ry on October 11, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    No Rori, I’m not in therapy. I have no insurance, unlike him. I thought this time I did a better job, i know i did a better job standing my ground and not acting how he wanted me to just to keep him. the old me wouldn’t have been so strong. The problem is, i want to be with him, i want to work past it BUT he won’t. i left and i made the mistake of sending him emails explaining why I was so hurt and what I needed from him to work it out. It was what he offered to give and then changed his mind. I think me stating where I was coming from and asking for him to take responsibility and of course stop seeing this woman backfired and he now all but ignores my request for him to take ownership and drop this woman. But he continues to tell me how much he loves me and wanted to work it out. This patterns repeats.

    I love what you’ve said here, I just need to acknowledged his comments but tell him it not everything I need, it doesn’t feel good to be there and I want and deserve what I want. Things he is not prepared to give. I’m going to date, not to make him made but to make myself feel good again. It’s hard being dumped for a 28 yr old when your 41.

    I know I need to walk away but my mind keeps hoping he will sit me down and tell me what he did and leave that woman…but that kind of thinking just holds me back.

    Maybe someone could suggest some sort of free or reduced therapy option. I can’t take going thru this again.

  121.  #121aliya on October 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

    dear rori,
    please give me some advice…..

  122.  #122Femininewoman on October 14, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Aliya. I would encourage you to read around the blog. Especially the Power and Self-Esteem category. You will get over this.

  123.  #123Diana on November 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Im rencently new this cite and i aporeciated all advice you given.

    I have my own series of problems. Ive been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and its been a rollercoaster. There are so many days and weeks with him that are good and amazing. And then there are days that are

  124.  #124Rori Raye on November 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Diana, Welcome – and now that you’re out of moderation – you’ll be able to finish your comment! Love, Rori

  125.  #125Hurtful Helen on November 7, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    My man just hates me! I can’t focus around him.

  126.  #126Linda on November 26, 2012 at 4:19 am

    I need a little help here. I have been in an off and on relationship for 25 years. The man I am in love with draws me in, says I am his solemate, he wants to marry me, we even pick out a ring. But, then the ring never comes. Repeat, Repeat, just spent 10 wonderful days with him – he promised me everything. I thought pinch me this can’t be real. All my dreams comning true. Then when I return home he calls/texts for a week or so. Thanksgiving rolls around I get a 5 am text Happy Thanksgiving then he dissapears. I have not heard from him in 4 days. I feel hurt and abandoned again. Like such a fool. I text loving note to him. Still nothing. I read and it says not to reinforce bad behavior, just to simply give him space. At the same time I’m feeling disrespected. Why am I to be in pain – while he gets space?

  127.  #127Rori Raye on November 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Linda – I don’t understand – you’ve been DATING this man for 25 years? How often do you spend time with him? Have you considered just LIVING WITH him? For me, if I were with a man for 25 years and wasn’t experiencing the relationship I wanted, I would either: 1. Move in with him and call it a live-in-love relationship and forget about marriage as long as the relationship felt good to me, or 2. Continue to date him at his discretion AND Circular Date for real – with real dates with other men, until things got clear for me. Sounds to me like you just want a good, steady man in your life consistently – and that’s the first step in moving this relationship forward, or moving ANOTHER relationship forward. If this is long distance, that sucks, and just enduring doesn’t seem to be making you happy right now. Love, Rori

  128.  #128Good Woman on December 10, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Rori, I am a 47 year old woman. Involved with a man who is 58. He has cheated multiple times, lied, sneaks, etc. I know he has text and e-mail buddies that are not right
    If you are in a committed relationship. He has convinced me to participate in sexual activity with him and other women against my true
    beliefs and desires. I agreed thinking it
    would make him happy and end the cheating. Worst part is that I am not a woman that does not want or enjoy sex. As a matter of fact most men would love to have a sexual partner like myself. I have an unusually high sex drive as does my boyfriend. But obviously I don’t satisfy him or he would not seek or need additional sexual activity. Why do I stay with a man that treats me this way. How do I get the strength and courage to leave as I know I deserve better, nobody deserves to be treated this way. Hard part is we have fun together, have a lot in common, we don’t fight other than on rare occasion and always it’s about other women.

  129.  #129Rori Raye on December 10, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Good Woman – First of all – the situation you describe might be WONDERFUL – for another woman. I know many polyamorous women, and this works fine for them – and I know it wouldn’t work at all for me or most women I know. This doesn’t really require strength or courage. You get to do exactly what you want. You get to put yourself online and start dating other men. You get to Circular Date. You get to discover if there are other men out there you might have a much better connection with in terms of what you feel is important for you. What if you dint’ THINK you were addicted to him – and just went about your life as if he were just PART of it? And then – there’s CODA that I recommend highly…Love, Rori

  130.  #130Lacy on December 30, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    I have a friend thats a guy and he treats me bad.. hes always calling me names he is always trying to control me and i think he gets jealous sometimes ive seen him..he calls me names and has slapped my face but not hard.. he treats me like crap… i am needing to stand up for myself.. he acts like we r a couple but we arent.. alot of people think we r.. but he says things to me like he wants to be with me.. but i dont want to be with him that way…he calls me alot and texts me also…maybe he thinks im his…nope..

  131.  #131yessica on January 4, 2013 at 3:52 am

    I know he hate me because I love him deeply but I didn’t ask or chose him to come in my life. I did everything beyond the line I was there for him when he almost die, I was always there fonamvially, I treated him like he was my world, I even bought stuff for his daughter, when I met him in 2008 I didn’t know he was married. I found out 3 1/2 later by searching in the web but I’m not going to lie I had women intuition but I never listen to it because I wanted to be happy. I did every a man has to do for a woman but the opposite I did every for him a man. when he almost die he was still married his wife didn’t care didn’t even visit or call to see if he was alive, his wife actually 2 days later when to court and file divorce, and the funny thing the hospital wasn’t. that far just 5 minutes away. but he was me quick after his 6 hours surgery he almost h
    lost his wrist. After all of that and more now he is divorced I been there every night to help him bathed and I bought him food and necessary men stuff. Now we live together but we are not together I cook, clean, our cloth laundry, and let him borrow my car and money when he ask. He only help out with 30% on bills only on rent n he doesn’t buy grocery. he think he’s a good man but he treat me like snug and make me feel emotionalmy depressed. I need help in order to move on and I told him to leave my house because I basically pay the rent n light so I can do the rest. I don’t care if I only have 4 dollar left the end of the month n anyways I never have money for myself because I pay and buy groceries more than what he do. I took the house key from him. now I’m called crazy just be she’s j stood up for.myself I’m not a toy or joke he took for granted my love and kindness. I’m a woman I been there for him he is saying he want true love but he is so blind because he is superficial. we got into a fight only because he kept saying he filled up my tank of gas like throwing it on my face but he drive my car more than I do. I pay for half rent but always got to be on top of him to give me half and sometimes he give me less, I pay for the light bill, I buy a month worth of groceries, and I pay my other necessary bills like car insurance and cell plus gas which I don’t fill it up that much because he use it all… Today he supposedly push me but that felt like he hit me on my shoulder while we was arguing in bed. I’m not going to lie I don’t let no one hit me so I got up n punch him multiple times and I hit like a little girl so he didn’t feel nothing. the point is that now I see his true colors on top of the lies and cheating when we was tigether. I just need help in order to move on on this long chaos. he said I’m snug and don’t care about me and now I’m supposedly crazy just because I’m a bit jealous but hey I’m numB if I love someone for so long n never got chance to be fully with him I’m entitled ti feel jealous even if you are not my husband or boufriend. I been there for him when he went to jail just for driving with no license spend a lot of money on those jail calls just to give him support n show him bow i.love him and I look for the money to get a lawyer in order to get him out.

  132.  #132yessica on January 4, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Thanks Rori I will look up the group you mention.

  133.  #133Rori Raye on January 4, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    yessica – so sorry – and showing a man you love him and doing everything for him is terrible for you, yourself, and it doesn’t get you loved back. It just doesn’t. Please read my ebook, and read everything here, and get some help for learning how to speak to a man without fighting with him and hitting him. This is about skills and maturity, and neither of you have those – but YOU can get them!!! You can learn! Love, Rori

  134.  #134yessica on January 4, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Thanks Rori I will look up the group you mention. Sorry for the misspelled words its not easy to text on the phone late night with the light off. What do I have to do to find the CODA? Do CODA have a website?

  135.  #135yessica on January 4, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    The worst part is that he live with me and I told him to leave. He text me like if everything normal after I got out of work I get a text asking for a ride or if I can dtoo him off to his daughter house. I did not reply!

  136.  #136Joanne on January 8, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    My boyfriend brake up with me as we was fighting all time l been hart brocken because he more botherd everthing ellea he came to mine but befor that he was sending me messimgs saying he love me and he carnt cope with out mee in is life he came to mine we slept together then he was ok he said we was together then he tx me rang me at dinner saying horrible things agean saying am to old as he younger that me to and be eveil all stime then he tx me saying were still together and he

  137.  #137Rori Raye on January 9, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Joanne – I don’t know how old you are – but if you’re “fighting” – then neither of you are mature enough for a relationship. You go first. Learn about my way of using words, learn non-violent communication and stop fighting and arguing. Love, Rori

  138.  #138Nicole on January 10, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Hi Rori,
    Just want some advice please. My partner and I have been together for nearly 3years we moved very fast and moved in together after 3months there was no problem except I was young had never been in love and didn’t know what I wanted he was so nice and loving and would do anything for me but as I said I didn’t know what I wanted so I still spoke to my guy friends behind his back to me it was nothing but to him it was really bad so I hid this from him and constantly got caught and quickly reacted with a lie until I worked out what I want and I apologized and explained I’m sorry I didn’t know what I wanted but I do now and you can trust me he kept checking my bills, tracking my phone etc and realized I was doing nothing but still had a lot of resentment towards me he rang his ex girlfriend multiple times and I found out by coincidently seeing it on his phone bill he apologized and said I only did it coz you did and I obviously didn’t wana stay and play this payback game so I left and moved out for about 9months. Him being the “first guy I ever loved” or lived with or got attached too I really missed him so would keep trying to see how he is etc he would just ignore me until once he called me after I sent a message apologizing for my past behavior thanking him for the experience and that I won’t contact him again he then called me and we caught up and got back then moved back in. It has been 4 months now and it is terrible he is always angry, always brings up the past, plays his Playstation til 5am every morning and sleeps all day we have very vicious fights calling very bad names basically every second day I cook, clean I’m loyal now I do everything for him but it seems to go unappreciated he makes me really upset but at the same time I keep doing things to try and make him “be nice” or stop playing his Playstation he always promises he won’t but the promises last a few hours. I can’t go out or have friends coz he thinks I’m cheating on him. I gave up everything for him including all my friends and I can only find security in him now. What do I do in this situation? Should I hack this treatment because of my wrong doings at the start or should I let it go coz nothing will change and he will never let go of the past? I’m so confused???!!!!!

  139.  #139Rori Raye on January 12, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Nicole – Welcome – and regardless of the how or why – I can’t imagine ever being with a man who makes you feel like a “prisoner.” Love, Rori

  140.  #140Ssabri on January 27, 2013 at 2:47 am

    Hi Rori, I been dating this guy off and on for about a year and a half now. He is a nice guy and all when he want to be. For the last past month I have been fed-up with his bull so I took away the “cookie” I always had sex. Well recently he been acting more and more like an asshole I think because I finally putting my foot down (which he don’t like). A few days ago I got so anger I “disrespect” him. I went off to intentionally hurt him and ever word I meant at the time was how I truly felt ( I never went off on before). He retaliated and said some very hurtful things also. In which I seen as the truth in how he really felt about me. I always say ” I’m done with you!” then end up speaking to him again. This time I reach out because I did say some very hurtful things to him I apologized sincerely and he said “Thank You!” And gave me a sincere apologie also, and told me if I needed anything reach out. At first I told him we were better of not being friends then I had a change of heart and ask him did he wanted to build a healthier “friendship” he said “yes” he will watch what he say and ask the same in return. Some times I just feel as if he will never change, but another side tells me give him another chance he might. Now that I finally put my foot down and creating boundaries he will respect me.. I’m still going to hold out with sex letting him know the “cookie” do not come easy anymore and something he will have to value.

  141.  #141gipsika on February 21, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Hey Rori. I read this correctly,

    “If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.”


    In other words, he who was already a responsible male, husband of several years and father of three (and partial breadwinner) decides to go on a drinking spree of 3 years, because he (basically) moves into midlife crisis and feels it’s the only way he can “stay young”, while losing his income and relying on me to keep things going, and it’s MY responsibility?

    I can of course walk away – to the damage of the kids.

    How do you justify this, between “a woman cannot change a man” and “if he behaves badly it’s YOUR responsibility”??

    Sorry, you lost me right there.

  142.  #142Rori Raye on February 22, 2013 at 10:21 am

    gipsika – There is NO reason on this planet that I would personally stay with a man who was doing what you say your husband is doing for more than 2 months. If he refused to get professional help, go to AA, see a doctor, TALK about it – I’d be out of there with the kids. That’s where your responsibility lies. You SAY that your kids would be damaged by your leaving – but, do you KNOW that to be true? I think if YOU got professional help for this, with people familiar with the situation you describe, you’d get the advice you need. Right now, you’re just “sitting in the pits.” It’s your responsibility to yourself and to your kids to not tolerate this situation. His life is up to him. Yours and your kids is up to you. Love, Rori

  143.  #143Getting the old me back on February 22, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    This site is INSANE! ( in a good way!). I got divorced a year and a half ago. Not a horrible marriage, but things weren’t working for us and I decided to end it after some rough times. Always had very high self esteem, but ending the marriage has come back to bite me emotionally. I was in two dead-end relationships. The last one i ended a few weeks ago. He has a LOT of issues,and could never fully open up to me. He always said he wanted to change things about himself, but never followed through. i always made excuses for him. i finally had enough, and told him i was leaving my options open, as it were. My experiences weren’t nearly as bad as some of the other women that have written but, nonetheless, I wasn’t being true to myself. I have started dating already but am not rushing into anything this time. Seeing what others have gone through helps me to put my experiences into perspective, and I am slowly becoming that “I ain’t takin’ shit from him” kind of girl that I once was. Thanks for opening up and listening to these women, and I wish them all the best. True love truly DOES come from within, and until we as women realize that, we will never be complete. I will get back to who I was, the girl that commands attention from men just by being WHO I AM! I just hope other women can follow my lead.

  144.  #144Getting the old me back on February 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    P.S. putting all of this in writing has helped, and keeping a journal of bad traits puts everything into perspective 🙂

  145.  #145Rori Raye on February 22, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Getting, Welcome, and I look forward to reading more from you! Love, Rori

  146.  #146Getting the old me back on February 23, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Wow! You’re quick. You know, it’s all so weird. In the past, relationships always just ” happened” for me. I was the one who always got bored and ended them, and my kids and 2 serious relationships (one being a marriage) took up my last 19 years. I never really learned how to date, and I’ve taken to the Internet to learn more. Boy, have i learned a lot! But I’m obviously not done, as I have a lot more to learn. Thankfully, I know what mistakes I’ve made, and hope to not repeat them. I just know that all will work out for me. Your site,and others like it, help women navigate these tough waters. Being open minded helps, though. But, putting youself first is most important and i think it could help ease some of the suffering women go through thinking that their job in life is to “please a man”.

  147.  #147Lisa on February 25, 2013 at 10:54 am

    I have been living with a man for 3 years now. There have been numerous bumps in the road. Many arguments where he has ended up putting his hands on me, all surrounding his infidelities. Things are not always bad. We have wonderful moments that make me realize how much I love him. Then it is like it scares him and he leaves to go on dates with his “friends”.He has actually said that there will not be monogamy until we are married. How can I stay and hope for that when his indescretions are killing me? He claims he cheats and has cheated because he is not getting what he needs from me. Yet, everything I do is never enough.. I am getting to the point where dealing with this difficult man is too much. Do you have any advise? I want a husband and children, but is this difficult man even really worth feeling like his yo-yo?

  148.  #148Rori Raye on February 25, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    Lisa – Is this all you think you deserve? What exactly do you want – and is he giving it to you? If he feels you’re not meeting his needs, likely you aren’t a good match. And it would only help you to ask him what exactly he means, how you could meet his needs, so as long as you’re determined to stay with him, at least you can learn and practice new skills. Love, Rori

  149.  #149Silver on March 13, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    I read this post of yours.. https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/why-does-a-man-treat-you-badly/ and the only real question I seem to have is how do I do what you recommend if I am married, 28 years since I was 18, and when did bring up going out with some ppl from work – an invitation by one of the guys there to join a dart group- it was met with a flat out ‘I wont allow you to go out with some guy, the dart thing is b.s.’
    Basicly it left me feeling wrong, guilty, and like I am not permitted to do anything that is not pre approved of , yet I have no say in what he decides to do or when he decides to go out alone because somehow that is different then me going out without him yet when we do go out together I am expected to sit quietly and wait while he talks and has a good time with others. I end up feeling like part of the furniture.
    So how can you circular date without ending up being confronted ,accused and treated as if you have done something wrong. Btw. he admires the women around us who are flirting, outgoing, and who toss out suggestive comments to him and others but NOT when I try to join in . I have no clue what it is he wants women like that?, because I feel it is not me he wants but rather I am something he is usto having there.

  150.  #150Rori Raye on March 13, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Silver, Welcome, and why do you feel this is all you deserve? Are you dependent on him financially? If so – then getting work to support yourself is important so you can feel independent enough to at least be in charge of your own life. You sound like you feel it’s okay to feel this bad in a marriage. It’s one thing to ADAPT to a man – no one says we have to be married or in any kind of relationship at all – and another to feel like a non-person, as you feel. Coaching, and women’s groups, and some interests outside the marriage would be wonderful for you. Whyever do you feel you need his permission to have friends? Start with girlfriends, and interesting classes, and do those to keep the friction down while you get used to having a life. Love, Rori