Why Giving Up Is Gorgeous – Mariah Grey

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Here’s a brand-new article from Master Coach Mariah Grey:

I have heard it over and over again.

“Mariah, I give up.”

And, every time I hear it from a client, or a  friend, I want to cheer!

That sounds awful, right?

Why would I encourage someone to give up?

Because, once they do, their man ALMOST ALWAYS does an immediate and drastic turn around.

How does giving up draw him in?

Giving up, almost never means giving up on the man, or the relationship.

Usually, when women tell me they are giving up, what they mean is they are giving up on control; they are giving up on “trying;” and they are giving up on over functioning.

To a man us giving up looks an awful lot like leaning back, which is exactly what he has been wanting us to do the whole time.

Now he feels like he can lean into you and be the masculine energy in the relationship.

When we give up, we no longer have a list of demands that we expect him to meet.

We no longer call two or three times a day just to hear his voice.

We stop packing his lunch, and cleaning up after him.

Then, we start putting ourselves first.

We make plans with friends, get that hair cut we have been talking about, and buy a new outfit.

We cook our favorite meal instead of his, and leave the dishes till morning!

Suddenly, we are the center of our own universe, and if he wants in, he has to work!

And he will.

He sees us as higher value now that we are putting ourselves first.

Now, he wants to spend time together, and he starts calling just to talk.

Now, he is pursuing again, which is what we wanted him to do all along.

So, when a client says, “I give up,” I say “Good. Now, let’s put the focus on you instead and see how that feels.”

You can do this right now!

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you can shift your focus off of men, or a particular man, and really start focusing on your own happiness.

Men can’t help but be drawn to a woman who is living her most authentic and happy life.

Try it and see if it works for you.

Drop me an email at mariahgreycoaching@gmail.com or visit my website www.mariahgrey.com and let me know how giving up feels to you.

Note from Rori: Mariah is totally awesome. She’s incredibly warm, incredibly smart, and just a very intuitive, caring, totally non-judgmental coach.  You’ll love her – try a free session with her!

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23 Comments

  1.  #1mary on July 4, 2017 at 8:56 am

    okay…

    this is hitting me at the right time!

    i give up obsessing about this guy.
    let him leave or let him come towards me.
    whatever is best for him!

    i’ll be finding my own thing
    and getting into that…
    whatever is best for me!

    i like it!



  2.  #2mary on July 5, 2017 at 7:43 am

    hmmmm…

    no text today.

    my favorite man is an early morning texter.
    but the waiting is giving me energy,
    and i can’t stand still,
    so i’m going on long morning walks.

    yay!

    the walks feel amazing.

    thank you for not texting!
    i channeled this energy into a good thing!
    i feel great.



  3.  #3mary on July 6, 2017 at 8:00 pm

    so i have been practicing giving up.

    not that there is any action to practice it on.
    there isn’t.

    but i’ve been giving up about there being no action.
    and i’ve been giving up about wanting to explain myself.
    and i’ve been giving up trying to finding a guy…

    the great guy that i went out with last Saturday night
    started texting me, and it was going really well…
    and he started pressing me to buy a swimsuit,
    and i was kidding around with him…
    and then I said, “OK, gotta go!”

    and I never heard from him again.
    on our date, last Saturday,
    he said he wanted to get with me two or three times a week,
    really get to know me…
    and he wanted to win my heart…

    i feel like texting him back
    but i’m not gonna do it tonight.
    i feel down tonight…

    it seems like texting is just TROUBLE.
    every time!
    i wonder if anyone else experiences this…

    i think that with all this leaning back,
    i’m not giving normal cues about liking a guy…
    you know?

    maybe the guys think i don’t like them?

    but i’ve made it pretty clear.

    i’m confused.

    dating is not working for me.

    i need to change something…
    sure! the change needs to come from me!

    i’ve gotten to the point where it’s okay not to have dates,
    it’s okay to think about being single, for who knows how long…
    i’m fine with it, i suppose.
    it’s not my preference, but it’s okay.

    i do feel very lonely though.
    it’d be nice to talk with someone in the evenings…
    you can’t go out every single night!

    i think i might be a lil lost…

    pushed to the ground too many times…
    don’t feel energy to fake it til i make it…

    oh, poor Mary!
    i looked in the mirror today and thought,
    “wow!” i was looking good, i thought…
    and it felt great to think that.

    lots more women out there than men…
    and i know it only takes one!

    just don’t know quite what to do with myself tonight.

    hmmmm…

    i give up.
    don’t know which way to try…



  4.  #4mary on July 7, 2017 at 2:14 am

    so i woke up just now and started pacing.

    what was i wrestling with?

    oh my. it was a bit of clarity.

    it was that thing i used to tell my daughters… when they’d come home from school and say, “so-and-so doesn’t like me!” and we’d talk about it. and i’d say, “listen, why don’t you go to school tomorrow and make a list of the people YOU like! and i want to know why you like them? could you do that for me please?” and their eyes would light up! yes, they could do that.

    so that’s what i’m gonna do.

    but i’m going through the guys in my rotation now pretty quickly. i told some that we were not a match. others dropped out as maybe texting or phone calling was not what they wanted? or what i wanted… and only two left, maybe three…

    and i hear from them sporadically. not all at once.

    and not lately.

    and i got off the dating site. not sure why, but one of the reasons is that guys could look on there and see if i was still on, and if we were going out, they were checking to see if i was talking with other guys… wow.

    but here was my waking thought, and why i was pacing… I don’t like the way this guy dropped me without a word. I don’t respect it that he did that. It’s much harder to tell someone, “hey, I don’t think it’s gonna work out,” and go through knowing that they’re in pain. But this guy didn’t do that. He just didn’t text. Or call. Or invite me out.

    And I don’t like that.

    Finally a turnaround!

    Yay!

    I’m gonna go back to sleep…



  5.  #5Indigo on July 7, 2017 at 3:21 am

    mary,

    On giving up: I watched “The Horse Whisperer” the other night, and there is a beautiful scene in it where the Kristin Scott Thomas character says “The harder I try to keep things all together, the more they fall apart.” And Robert Redford says to her, “So let them fall apart.”
    🙂



  6.  #6Indigo on July 7, 2017 at 3:34 am

    So my dreams about going overseas have been re-ignited. I’m not ready to discuss this with my family or friends yet, so I guess I’ll talk about it here on the blog.

    I have multiple big, important reasons for wanting to move overseas. And I don’t feel it has to be permanent. I’ve always seen myself as retiring in the countryside here in South Africa, but I suppose that might not happen, and that is a good twenty to thirty years away at least. I feel that I’d like to stop formal work when I am in my early to mid-50’s. But between now and then, there is a lot of money to be made and saved up to achieve that. And I need to make myself available to meet the man who is right for me, with whom I will settle down. I know he is out there.

    And I really feel he is not in this city right now, maybe not even in this country. I seem to have so little in common with people (and guys) here. My circle of friends is small. And even they accept me as a bit different from them. I long for people I can discuss interesting and complex ideas with – I long for more culture, more history… art galleries, museums, historical buildings, music, heritage. I long for a man who can at least understand my passion for these things. I don’t feel I will find it here. The men here seem to be interested in two things: drinking and sport. I can barely imagine doing these things, much less talking about them. The banal nature of conversation is disheartening.

    So I’m musing again about going overseas. The more I overthink it, the less likely I am to do it. I will miss the people I love here. I will miss close friends and my family. But I can always visit.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on July 7, 2017 at 5:40 am

    Those musings remind me so much of Paris.



  8.  #8mary on July 7, 2017 at 8:38 am

    hmmmmmm…

    Femininewoman, did you go to Paris, or live there?

    Indigo, I’ve heard that South Africa is VERY BEAUTIFUL!

    And I’ve also heard that there is a group of people in Victoria, BC (Canada) on Vancouver Island, from South Africa. (Also very beautiful…) Lots of people who love culture there! (But the dating pool is limited, as it’s an island.)

    I uprooted and moved to another country, and shortly after I arrived, with my husband, we divorced. So I was completely alone there. I was there 13 years and I wanted to stay there forever, but my daughter became ill so I have just returned home for a while. Unfortunately doctors took most of my money (after exchange rates) and I’m starting over.

    Which is probably why the extreme ups and downs with men. I’m completely not settled. I just decided to get out there, in all directions, while I was getting out there anyway! So it’s wild and crazy and unbelievably difficult at times!

    And that’s why I’m looking for a place, with people, to talk… it’s just lonely in the evenings, as I get off the magic carpet, roll it up, and store it overnight. I’m wishing to have some like-minded people who would enjoy getting together to discuss dating and romance and strategies, etc.! Oh, wouldn’t that be lovely?

    But possibly a glass of wine and some Rori friends would be just as wonderful…

    Indigo, it’s crazy and fun to be away from your people. You can start over and be whoever you decide to be! After a long time away though, it’s been good for me to find some roots back here at home. I was just thinking this morning how good it is to be back, and feeling those roots beneath my feet. I’m not gonna stay… I’m gonna go back, because I LOVED it there… but I’d like to take my own man back with me when I go!

    Easier said than done…

    haha!

    Keep us informed about your thinking around that… !!! I’ll be looking for posts from you!

    Mary



  9.  #9Indigo on July 7, 2017 at 11:05 am

    mary,

    There are sizable numbers of South Africans in the UK, Canada, the USA, Australia and New Zealand. There’s been a huge exodus of South Africans out of the country over the last 20 years or so.

    I personally want to go to Ireland. The culture, heritage and country just speaks to me on every level. I love what you say about reinventing yourself! I’d say there are only two things holding me back: 1) The weather. We have glorious sunny weather virtually all year round where I live. 2) Leaving my family.

    However, I’ve started to make some tentative connections over the internet, and a plan is forming in my mind to go to Ireland for another holiday at the end of this year. During this time, I could scout out the job and accommodation possibilities that I have been looking into. If it all seems like it could come together and I have a good feeling about it, that will make my decision so much easier.



  10.  #10Rori Raye on July 7, 2017 at 2:31 pm

    Indigo, Thank you so much for this Horse Whisperer quote Yes – “Let it all fall apart!” Rori



  11.  #11mary on July 7, 2017 at 10:29 pm

    yes.

    about letting everything fall apart.

    In the dating part of my life, everything has fallen apart. I did the brave thing. I got online. I went out with total strangers, quite a few of them! I also joined many meet up groups. I went out with guys I met there, too. I had good response! (I’m very thankful for that!) And I had many, many offers for second dates, and I went on them! And many for third dates, and I went… and then… between the texting and the leaning back and this day and age when gender roles are melding into one… I didn’t really know what to do then, or how to do it… and now I’m down to…

    zero.

    Yes, it all fell apart.

    Im trying to be creative with my thoughts. When I think about a certain man, and it hurts my heart to think about him, I think… wow! so much more time for me, Mary! And I have such a long way to go to develop my business. I really must put my energy in that direction! So now I’ll have time and energy and head space for that! Yay!

    And my heart hurts anyway, but it also has a glad spot in the mix…

    And I’m happy about that…



  12.  #12mary on July 7, 2017 at 10:40 pm

    Indigo,

    I live in a sunny clime now (where my family lives) and my foreign country had many dark and moody days… I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED them. There were pubs and fireplaces and meet ups and all that during those dark evenings… how mystical and magical and close! Oh to have had a man with me in those settings!

    But I missed my family so! My daughter is visiting my foreign country today and she texted me and said how lovely that she has me now for more than 7 days a year! And it has been lovely.

    But I’m older. And you’re younger. And yes, you can visit your family! If you live in a foreign country, those trips home will be your equivalent of everyone else’s travel… but they’ll be so fun for you! Go for your dream!!! If you have a good family everyone will understand. And you might become grounded and find a man and settle down… and you might start speaking with an Irish accent!

    Sounds beautiful.

    I want to move back to my foreign country as soon as I’m able, but I think that I’ll keep a place here and go back and forth. So! What am I doing dating? I need to put a plan in place!

    I guess I just thought that while I was starting over, FROM SCRATCH, with my life, I might as well date, too… but I’m having difficulty with the grounding part. My life is not settled in any way. I’m actually living out of two suitcases, and have been for about a year and a half! It’ll probably be better to stop all this and get to work developing my new business and see how it goes, then start dating again, once something great is happening that can give me more of a steady heart.

    Or I might decide to get back online tomorrow. We’ll just have to see how it goes, and what my heart can stand! As much as I develop the right mindset, I’m a sensitive soul, and caring and loving, and my heart gets involved, and then it gets broken… over and over and over!

    Gotta find new strategies… !!!

    Love you guys!

    Thank you for the conversations…

    Mary



  13.  #13mary on July 8, 2017 at 6:11 am

    hmmmmm…

    can you believe it?

    i’m still looking for that text or that phone call from the guy i like…

    Last Sunday he texted, “i have been thinking about you constantly…”

    and it’s Saturday…

    hmmmmm…

    i wish i could find a place where this did not hurt so much.

    if i had been born a man, i could take the initiative and just know where i stand…

    but if he’s not texting, if he’s not calling, i guess i know that way too… it’s just more excruciating…

    how can i not feel sad about this?

    i do feel sad.

    i love my sadness



  14.  #14Indigo on July 8, 2017 at 7:46 am

    mary,

    Thank you for your thoughts 🙂 I chatted to my parents last night about going over to Ireland for a holiday and sussing out the lay of the land before making a final decision as to whether or not to move there. So I am busy looking up flights 🙂 Better than making a hasty decision. It would be a big decision. I have a great job and place to stay here.

    About your man who has not texted. I so understand this sadness. It’s so understandable and… almost inevitable when we allow our feelings to get ahead of the relationship itself. I have been in this spot many, many times myself. Personally, I have found that a really great way to avoid that feeling of sadness and disappointment is to take our power back from the people we give it to to cause us these feelings. Because I truly believe we do hand over the power to them to sadden and disappoint us, and it doesn’t have to be this way. Think of a friend or family member – if he or she doesn’t call or text for weeks, do we feel low and sad about it? Of course not! Most likely it is not even a blip on the radar. So why do we feel that way with a man we have gone out with a handful of times? Well, we have given them the power to disappoint us through our expectations.

    I find a really great way to avoid sadness or disappointment with a man I am just dating or getting to know is simply not to have any expectations. To maneuver the situation so that it always suits me. To give you an example, the guy who had tentatively suggested we go out for brunch this Sunday as a first date said that he wasn’t sure if he was going to make it because he had a birthday party the night before and might be having a few drinks and might be feeling tender the next morning. (*yawn*). So I texted him back and said “All good! 🙂 Have a great party :)”

    For me, such a message holds no expectations beyond wishing him well. It does not convey that he has disappointed me. It also does not convey that I will be spending one minute sitting around lamenting the fact that we are no longer going out for brunch. If he does contact me to set up another time, I will try to make sure that such conversations do not leave me waiting around for an invitation. If not, it’s all good! 🙂



  15.  #15mary on July 8, 2017 at 12:31 pm

    thank you Indigo!

    I really like what you said about what if a member of my family was not texting or calling for a while… and they are the people that mean the most to me! Yes, I wouldn’t feel any pain if that happened, because I know where they stand with me and I know where I stand with them. All good.

    And because I’m looking for a partner for life. And their calling or texting or being in touch, or lack of, does not having any bearing on whether or not I will find that partner. I’m not considering any of of my family for that partnership, so I feel neutral about them.

    Not having expectations…

    This guy wanted me to go see fireworks with him on Independence Day. And he wanted to go out the Saturday before. On that Saturday, he told me he MIGHT have to work on Independence Day, and I told him that was completely fine! But during the night, he said, “are we still on for fireworks on Monday?” And I said yes.

    Then I didn’t hear from him. I had realistic expectations that he would call or text or make further arrangements, but I didn’t hear from him. My daughter wanted me to help her with one of her kids who is special needs and couldn’t tolerate fireworks, and when I didn’t hear from the guy, at her prompting, I sent him a text that said, “Happy 4th! I’ve still got it reserved for you…” And no answer. This is the guy who said he wanted to win my heart. Later I texted and said, “But you said you might need to work, so no worries…” then much later… (on the same day of the proposed date,) “And I kind of need to help out with the kids today. could we reschedule for another day?” He sent a text back that said, “No problem! Working!!!!!” And I haven’t heard from him since.

    Something weird is happening around the 2nd or 3rd date. Believe me, I’m not grabby or needy… just cool and calm and going with the flow. What is my inner vibe, you ask? It’s the same. Actually, the only time I start obsessing is when I’m NOT with them. When I’m on a date with a guy it’s the most natural thing in the world… then, if I don’t hear from them, especially when they made a date with me, I begin to wonder WHAT IN THE WORLD?

    Isn’t that something anyone would do?

    I’m gonna give it a brief rest, then maybe revisit a little later, when my life situation is stronger, and I feel more grounded.

    About your Ireland trip… what a great idea to do a pre-trip! And be sure to take lots of money with you in case things don’t go as planned! Sometimes people in another country have biases that you would never even dream they would have, because you don’t have those biases, and sometimes they like to hire their own…

    But since you’re young and really desiring a big change, it could be so fun to move there and just go for it! Oh, the places you’ll go, and the things you’ll learn! I always wanted to go to England to live and I never did it…

    Very much fun!

    And when you get that foreign feeling, while you’re there (and you will probably get it…) just tell yourself, “there’s that feeling again. It’s normal to feel that… after all, I’m in a foreign country! But my Mom still loves me, my Dad still loves me, my brothers and sisters still love me, and I love all of them… and I’m okay today…” I used to just go down the list! And it worked sometimes and it didn’t work sometimes…

    Thank you again for the conversations!

    xoM



  16.  #16Indigo on July 8, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    Aaah Mary, I understand. Yes I think anyone would have expectations and feel disappointed in those circumstances. I didn’t realize that was the situation.

    I think that is just bad manners. He actually just sounds kind of flaky to me (many people are). This is just my own personal feeling, but these days I don’t invest in someone when they show me that side to themselves. His reasons may be perfectly legitimate, but it doesn’t change the reality for you.

    Hope you had a great 4th of July with family regardless!



  17.  #17mary on July 8, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Hi Indigo…

    Yes, thank you!

    And yes, I think it is rude to not answer texts and to make plans and then not say another word about them…!!!

    Ok. It’s a crazy day we’re living in. So much opportunity for meeting people. And that makes it difficult to keep relationships going because there is always someone else…

    I believe good things will happen. I think I just need to get my life going in other ways first and add this dating component later, when my vibe is good about me, and everything I’m doing. Right now I’m kind of at rock bottom and probably that comes across, even though I think I have a great attitude most of the time.

    And there are so many things that can be done when there is no relationship happening. I can make my own schedule, meet different people on a whim, do things without checking in with anyone, there’s virtually no accountability, except to God and to family, and those are just about the basics of life, like making good decisions, etc. Tiny little choices are up to just me… that feels lonely sometimes, but it’s very nice at other times.

    Yes, maybe I will look forward to dating later. I’ll know from this experience that 1) I will be asked on many dates (yay!) 2) I will be attracted to some of them (yay yay yay!!!) and 3) I think that later I’ll be more ready for relationship, less needy for one, and I’ll have some power to decide what I want my life to look like…

    Yes!

    This sounds like a good plan for me at this time.

    Thank you!



  18.  #18mary on July 8, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    Okay.

    So I’m gonna just let things fall apart.

    And get back to my thankfulness journal.

    Thank you Indigo! Thank you Feminine Woman! Thank you Sangelina! Thank you Daria!

    I’ll talk to you guys soon…

    And I do look forward (already) to dating again!

    Love,

    Mary



  19.  #19mary on July 8, 2017 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you Mariah!

    THANK YOU, RORI



  20.  #20Indigo on July 9, 2017 at 10:32 am

    mary,

    Thank you very much for chatting with me about my going overseas adventures! As you pointed out, I do get very homesick, but I know from personal experience that it does not have to defeat me. I can overcome it 🙂 I am excited about possibilities which I don’t even know about yet.

    About giving up on dating and letting it all fall apart… brava and yay to you. I know that this feeling can feel very freeing, liberating and relieving if you let it. I try to practice the principle of non-resistance in my life. I try not to fight things. I try to go with the flow of where things want to go. If dating doesn’t seem to be working out, I let it not work out, knowing that in due time, I will again have all the attention and energy coming towards me that I could wish. I don’t like to resist things and try too hard – it takes so much energy.

    And you’re right – the advantage is you can make your own schedule and do things because YOU WANT to. How many people in unhappy relationships would love to have that 🙂 And I can almost promise you that there is an opportunity here for you to take care of *you* even more, as Dominique would say. When the time is right, more men will flow into your life.



  21.  #21mary on July 10, 2017 at 5:50 pm

    oh, Indigo!

    thank you so much. Your words gave me some solace just now.

    my heart is just sick… it feels like there’s something rejectable about me, and of course there is, because i’m human, and everyone has THINGS… but it hits me right in the heart when i’m trying so hard in every other area of my life.

    nothing is working at the moment but i am keeping on keeping on.

    not with dating. I’m “letting it not work out” in that area… although i did text one guy today (he didn’t text back, and i know, i know, i shouldn’t have texted him!)

    i feel sad! And this sadness is making me feel like i’m ALIVE… and i love my alive feelings!

    but you, now… you’re going on a big adventure!

    and give yourself the permission to do it, but to not do it, too… you know? it has to REALLY work for you to move there, because someday you’ll face the WHY’S when you’re down because of other things… and it’s just plain hard when you’re all alone in a foreign environment or country, without any kin… so decide what the why’s are now! Maybe write them out!

    and go back home frequently. just spend the money. it will be worth it to you!

    I’ll be around. I probably won’t be posting as much but we’ll see… I’m glad I understand circular dating more now… I liked what you guys said about it! That basically there is a time to settle down with a guy to see if the relationship will work…

    Thank you again… it was a very brief time dating, and I wish I could have done it more, I just need to sit with it for a while, until I have more emotional energy, when my business starts working!

    working hard now…

    take care, Indigo!

    Love, Mary



  22.  #22Mariah Grey on August 14, 2017 at 5:41 am

    Oh ladies, I didn’t even realize I could comment here until just now.
    I know it has been a while, but I would live to know how you’re all doing.
    I love this thread and the way you are supporting one another!
    Giving up is such a challenge, and it can feel counterintuitive.
    I love the use of channeling to reclaim that energy and use it to propel yourself instead of letting it get you “stuck” dwelling on one guy.
    Please let me know how it’s all going for you.
    Love,
    Mariah



  23.  #23Rori Raye on September 8, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    Yayy Mariah – go check on her Plus Love Program, and talk to her here and on her Facebook group…she’s an awesome human being….Love, rori