Why Is “Girl Speak” So HARD?

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maggiewaveSo many of us think of Girl Speak as “hard” – and often, my clients, readers and Love Forever Teleclass members start our conversations by beating themselves up about how hard they’re finding Feeling Messages and Poetry.

Here’s what I said to one of my clients, Darlene (after making sure she “Slathered Herself With Love” whenever she found herself “beating herself up…”:

We’ve ALL started like that!!!

It takes practice and practice to get good at something – and the language of the “head” is what EVERY woman is taught to speak.

Else – where would Rori Raye be as a teacher?

Hardly ANY women know how to speak in this new way we’re working on – so please, just consider it like learning a new instrument after a lifetime of training on another.

It’s like speaking English your whole life, and then realizing all men actually speak some “idiom” that no one’s every taught you – and then learning this new language “on the job…” (while every other woman continues to speak English!)

Your training (like ALL the rest of us) is to go into your head, and use those words.

We’re working on the “inside the head stuff” – but focusing on the WORDS because that will get everything moving the most quickly.

It’s why you NOTICE the difference between your head, your heart, your words….it’s like chewing gum and rubbing your stomach at the same time, or learning acrobatics…it takes coordination and PRACTICE.

Please don’t look for the “why” – that will NOT help you.

As one of my brilliant Certified Coaches, Jenn Jolie, says: “You can’t fix the Why.”

Just practice the Tools.

It’s like trying to calm your mind, etc by “thinking about meditating” and the WHY of “why it’s so hard to meditate” – when all that needs to happen is for you to sit down and MEDITATE!

The meditating does the job. The discussion of it does nothing.

Singing, walking, dancing, doing art – all those things help….

Please, please…

  • Be kind to yourself. Gentle. Loving.
  • Practice, write down and learn your “Speeches”
  • Imagine great love coming to you – Shift your perspective and attitude with your imagination…and…
  • …STOP the self-punishment whenever it shows up.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Shannon on February 17, 2014 at 6:23 am

    The self-punishment is so easy for me to fall into.

    And honestly, the girl-speak feels hard because it’s so unfamiliar. It also feels repetitive and kind of uncommunicative.

    It’s strange to think of communicating authentically as being uncommunicative, but that is how it feels. I’m just saying what I feel, instead of saying the riot of things I think about the world in general, lol.

    Yet it’s also helping me to realize that my feeling-scape shifts radically, dramatically, and without warning. Yikes! :p

    The other hard part is trying to stop analyzing everything. The self-blame and criticism is an easy trap, and so is the “if only I’d said I felt this or that!”

    Or turning “thoughts” into “I feel” messages and trying to figure out when I’m doing that versus when I’m “being authentic”. That is a HUGE challenge for me, it seems.

  2.  #2Shannon on February 17, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Another challenge that would be cool to discuss is letting the man lead… and when I don’t want to. How to say that in feeling messages from inside a relationship experience.

    Lately it’s been a lot of talk about dating to some degree, but what about letting a man lead from inside a relationship?

    For example:

    I have felt in my relationship like a gopher… go fer this, go fer that. I don’t like that, it feels like I’m being treated like a servant and like what I’m doing is unimportant. In fact, I extremely dislike it.

    But Rori has said, “if he asks you to do something, do it!”

    Using girl speak to reconcile these two contrasting situations is really tough. How do I say that I feel like a go-fer and like a servant? Or should I not say that, because that’s not letting him lead?

    Reconciling that is something I’m struggling with a bit. Mostly, I don’t mind what I’m asked to do (clean up the room the new washer-dryer is going into today–no problemo, for example). But that “go get me this, go get me that” because he doesn’t want to bother (and doesn’t care what I’m doing), feels really horrible.

    Balancing this is a challenge, and knowing how to girl-speak in situations where you feel like you’re being led astray instead of where you want to go… that would be nice to know.

    I think others are also feeling this a little bit, too. Or so I’ve taken out of some comments lately here on the blog.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on February 17, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Gotta admit that recently something happened at work that left me feeling panicked because my supervisor was on a trip to Africa. I decided to write to him and was surprised when rereading it after sending how many times I said “I feel” particularly in the last para. I also felt surprised with his immediate response despite several hours of time difference. He said call me now and when I did he advised me that he had made a call and taken care of the situation. Also told me not to worry.

    Girl speak I am finding really works

  4.  #4Syreena on February 17, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Shannon, not wanting to do something and saying NO, I don’t want to do that is having boundaries and honoring yourself.

    Leaders don’t dictate they ask and followers only follow where they want to be lead. So a good leader will lead you where you want to go taking your feelings wants and desires into consideration.

    Dictators and tyrants don’t make good leaders.

    What sort of things is he asking or dictating for you to do that you don’t want to?

  5.  #5Syreena on February 17, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Why are you bringing him things because he can’t be bothered to go and get them himself Shannon?

    I don’t understand.

  6.  #6Shannon on February 17, 2014 at 8:04 am

    This is not a current issue. This was his habit when we were together. “Can you go get me a screwdriver? Can you go get me a pair of pliers from the garage? Can you go get me some potatoes from the freezer in the basement?”

    Now, if he was doing this when we’re working on a project together, it wouldn’t have been such a thing. But he never cared what I was doing.

    And if he wanted me to do something like that, he’d yell for me from across the house, but was always extremely mad if I didn’t come to him to ask him stuff “don’t yell across the house!” kind of stuff.

    Of course, pretty much everything I ever did annoyed him, but that’s another tale. :p

    I’m curious how I would deal with it, if I ran into this sort/ type/ style of scenario again. It’s not like it’s something onerous… so do I just say, “I feel annoyed”? Do I say, “I feel like a servant”?

    What is the feeling message that you’d use in a case of just sort of a petty annoying thing? Guys (and I am not busting on men for this, we women can also) do a lot of just little annoying things.

    This felt REALLY awful to me. Yet I also felt like I was blowing it out of proportion, he just asked me go grab something (but it sure annoyed him if I asked him to just go grab something).

    It’s not a current thing, but it’s something that rather matters to me. It’s something that I don’t want to go through again, with or without him (and I intend it should be without him).

  7.  #7Cris on February 17, 2014 at 8:08 am

    I love this part of Rori’s philosophy

  8.  #8Cupcake on February 17, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Hi, Sirens-

    I feel very comfortable with Girl-Speak. It feels natural and authentic to me. Since I found Rori three years ago, a whole world of genuine communication has opened up in front of me.

    And I feel terribly, painfully confused about why my life is a shambles. Granted, some some happened beyond my control– first, living in a small town with zero realistic dating prospects, then having to go take care of my ailing mom for six months, then really messing things up with Lord V., whether that was my fault for having expectations and making him more important than I should have, or his fault for not really being able to “dance.” And now here I am in this New City, and I don’t know whether I want to stay here, and I’m so confused.

    I worked a big event this weekend, a temp agency job. It was great to have something to do to eclipse Valentine’s Day. There were lots of men there, and men kept talking to me and smiling at me. But the men who made real efforts at flirtation were men that, if I imagine ever going out with them, make me want to cry. Old men, weird men. This one old guy sat in front of me at the orientation, and turned around and told me to feel free to scratch his back while we were sitting there.

    I felt horrified. I heard myself say, “In your dreams.” And he nodded like, yes, that’s something he does dream about. Mercifully, then the trainer started talking and he turned back around. And I felt bad later for saying that, because it felt like it was a mean thing to say, but I had felt so horrified that he’d even imagined me sitting there scratching his back. I mean, WHAT?????? There were two kind of odd old men working the event– he was one of them. They didn’t seem to know each other, and yet both of them kept showing up to flirt with me. I was like, “Universe– HOW– WHY????— is THIS what I’m attracting?”

    There was this tall, fit, attractive man who was one of the temp agency supervisors at the event. He had a military bearing and I could tell he prided himself on his “leadership” capabilities. The first three days, he supervised with an almost regal bearing– not stuck up, just “This is the job I was born to” sense of authority. Then the last day, he showed up with a whiff of booze on his breath, didn’t do his “rounds” of the event as he had the previous three days, and at the end of the day, when we went to clock out, he was staggeringly, slobberingly drunk.

    I’m telling you this because it hurt my heart so badly to see. It’s haunting me. I thought, “Ah. That’s why this clearly intelligent, capable man is working for a temp agency. Because he’s getting in his own way. He’s sabotaging himself through this Achilles’ Heel.”

    And I wondered again how I am getting in MY own way. Because I clearly AM, and I just can’t see how. It’s a blind spot.

    I feel like I am driving in a blinding snow storm and I don’t know where the road is. My whole life feels like that. And Lord Voldemort– who is clearly gone, now, I’m just talking about him, not pining for him- he’d showed up and talked about clearing a path for me, helping me find my way again. I guess it ended up being more than he really wanted to take on. Because I am so NOT grounded in my own life. I am free-falling. It feels like I will never land, sometimes.

    I know this is a blog about dating and relationships. And I feel so utterly outside of all of that. I just don’t have many people to talk to and you guys are all so great.

    And reading Rori’s piece at the top about being kind to ourselves makes me so confused. I think I AM kind to myself. I have been trying to learn to be more patient with myself. I have made a point this past year to eat right and go to the gym, and I look better than I have in a long time. I have been making more of an effort, in the last 6 months, to keep my room clean, to change my sheets and make my bed, to floss, to moisturize several times a day– these all examples of a conscious effort to take care of myself. And I still feel like I am walking in a cloud of isolation.

    I want to put down roots. I want to interact with people on a daily basis. And I feel like I am drifting further and further out to sea.

    And it feels so ironic that when I DO talk to people, because I am talking Girl Speak – it DOES feel like a genuine connection. And yet I still feel so very alone.

    I feel so scared, Sirens. I don’t want my life to be like this. And I’ve been trying to fix it for so long that I am feeling really hopeless and helpless.

    I don’t know what I’m expecting any of you to do about it. I just want to feel heard, like if my words bounce off of somebody else, then I know at least I’m not as alone as I feel right now,

  9.  #9Femininewoman on February 17, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Cupcake I hear you. I feel you.

    Your comments reminded me of an article Rori posted some time ago. It was about affirmations. We all at times feel all alone but we are never alone. It is just not true. We are all connected.

  10.  #10Syreena on February 17, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Oh ok Shannon.

    This would be unique to you in the moment.
    So if this happened again, whatever feeling came up in the moment and I don’t want to be asked like that or yelled at.

    Or you could say how it would feel better to be asked.

    Depends if you were happy to go get stuff if asked in a different way.
    Or if you don’t want to be someones goffer and want them to do it themselves.

    What do you think you would want?

    To me it appears like you would be happy to pass things and get things when working on a project together. But if you were busy doing your own thing you don’t want to be asked.

    Is that correct? Have I got that right?
    It’s just about being the real authentic you and saying what you really feel.
    Not using anyone elses words or using how they would feel in that situation if it were them.
    As they aren’t you and will not necessarily feel the same.

  11.  #12April Rose on February 17, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Wow, Cupcake,

    I feel you whirling in a snowstorm of beautiful feminine inner chaos.
    You are showing me your courage. You’ve stopped trying to fix this and instead have surrendered to your experiences and emotions, exactly as they are.

    Feels amazing to read.
    And reading it reminds me of a mysteriously powerful posting that Rori made some months back, about being in this exact same place.
    Does anyone remember it and know how to find it?

  12.  #13Cupcake on February 17, 2014 at 9:23 am

    FeminineWoman and April Rose-

    Thank you for the kind words. Thank you for hearing me.

    FW- I read the affirmations, and I appreciate your reminder of how much they help. I saw some on there that really resonated.

    I’ve actually been going to bed playing a tape of Louise Hay affirmations, and I stopped doing it for the last few days when I was working the event. I’ll start that up again, too.

  13.  #14Liquid Light on February 17, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Cupcake, big hug, girl!

    Please go easier on yourself. You’re in a new city, you’ve recently moved, you don’t have a job (yet), it would be difficult for anyone! Moving is tough. Period. I moved in July and the first 6 months were hell…I’m just starting to make new friends and feel more at home here but its still hard.

    Maybe you could find some meetup groups there? I think its a great way to meet new people and they are always welcoming.

    Also, you’ve given me some great tips that I’ve applied to my life and they’ve made a big difference to me. So you are impacting people in ways that you don’t even know about.

    Hang in there, girl. It will get better. You are at a (temporary) low and have nowhere to go but up!


    PS: Re. the weirdo guys, I know what you mean. I keep meeting men like that too but I think its because of the area that I live, its not because of me. It bums me out too but then I just tell myself “Just don’t give them any time or attention.” Otherwise, if I dwell on them too much, I start to get really depressed. But then there are also a few interesting, attractive men that I come across (whether or not they are right for me) that give me hope and brighten my spirits. I’m trying to focus more on them and no at all on the weirdos.

  14.  #15Shannon on February 17, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Cupcake, my daughter was diagnosed with a chronic condition in Dec. 2012.

    We were gluten free. We ate organic. We ate vegetables predominantly, and there was always yummy healthy stuff around.

    And still… she got a chronic condition.

    For so long after, as my world fell around my ears in ruins, I wondered. Why, when I had done everything I could find to keep her so healthy and to ensure she was getting great nutrition, etc… why did she get this terrible condition?

    Throughout the years, I’ve experienced the worst the world has to offer. Malnutrition, gross abuse, gross negligence… And I often come back to that question of why?

    The answer for me has come in the form of this response from the Universe, God, the Great Intelligence, the Higher Power, whatever… the answer is this… the only “why” that really matters isn’t why you experience anything. The reason the word “why” really exists is so that you can ask this central question: “Why are you here?”

    It’s not why any of it happens. It’s not why me, or why you. It’s not why does the sun come up in the East or why is the ocean blue. It’s not why he doesn’t love me…

    It’s Why am I here?

    And that doesn’t mean, why am I here in New City, or why am I here with this person, or why am I here at this desk. It’s why am I here, on Earth, at this time?

    So Cupcake, why are you here? What is your great gift to the world?

  15.  #16Shannon on February 17, 2014 at 10:44 am

    One more thing, Cupcake.

    I listen to Mathew Hussey sometimes. One thing he says that I think is apropos to the situation of attracting men we are turned off by…

    He says that there are some men who’ll just go out there and talk to anyone. These are the Danny Devito types who really have nothing left to lose. They’ve been turned down so many times that they are as crass and objectionable as possible, because why not? What’s going to happen… maybe, there’s a remote possibility someone will engage with them (and negative attention is better than none)… or they’ll just get turned down flat (again and again, like the last 1 million times).

    So maybe that’s not about you. Maybe it’s about them being pretty willing to take a chance on just about anyone, just about any time, under just about any circumstance in hopes that they’ll get SOME kind of attention.

    Perhaps it’s not about you, and it’s more about them.

  16.  #17LoveAlways on February 17, 2014 at 11:50 am

    When I stay in touch with my feelings, I feel a better flow with speaking my feelings, but it is not easy. It is indeed something to practice.

  17.  #18Millie on February 17, 2014 at 5:11 pm


    I hear you loud and clear, and I feel much of the same. I feel in isolation also, even though I’m surrounded by friends and family. I’m really not alone, but I feel it. I feel that something about me sends men running and that really scares me. I don’t think I’m as good as communicating in feeling messages. I really have to try. I often find myself feeling frozen, not knowing how I feel, just that my throat and chest feel tight, or I want to cry. I have a lot more work to do in that area. I manage my emotions much like a child I’m realizing. I too feel frustrated with I’m attracting and who I’m not attracting. I can absorb myself in the moment for awhile, but days like this, where I have off, my mind is flooded with wishing I had men who were fighting to spend time with me. I don’t.

    I’m choosing to focus on what I HAVE vs. what I don’t. I feel happier and more relaxed, but relationships are a little shadow that follow me.

    Valentines Day was nice….I spent it with a man whose energy was coming towards me. He picked me up, he paid, he dressed nice, he was very polite and respectful, but I feel nothing but friendship. Saturday, I went to my grandparents memorial….and spent the day/night with my family. Sunday I slept in, went to the store, drove my vintage car, and went bowling with a couple, which of course made me retreat into myself because they are so loving towards each other. I went to bed early. Today I cleaned my place, chatted with a friend I haven’t talked to, took another drive in my vintage car, and am meeting my cousin for dinner. All in all, I’m really not alone….and I’m wondering why I feel that way, same as you.

  18.  #19Zia on February 17, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    We covered expressing feelings in the communication skills class that is a part of the course I’ve started…. I really enjoyed it after all the work I did with feelings over the past 12 months!

  19.  #20Amber on February 17, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    Happy presidents day, Sirens!
    I find i still really have to TRY at first to use feeling messages, especially if I’ve been in “boy” energy for a while, like at work. The more i practice, though, the easier it is to “switch.” Once I get into “girl” mode, I don’t find it too hard to stay there. Last night (T) and I had a wonderful phone conversation. I made it a point to be soft, relaxed and totally “girl” before I returned his call. He has completely ended the relationship with the ‘other’ woman and we have agreed to be completely exclusive. This is totally what I want, for now. To be honest (and yay, i can be totally honest here) i dislike dating. I love flirting and CDing the world, but actually dating feels like WAY too much effort.
    I feel happy and peaceful with the world today. I spent it at the Renaissance Fair, which might just be my favorite place on the world. I got to feel like a Siren all day, sexy and confident (I dress in chainmail lingerie when I’m there) I went to the hypnotists show and although I didn’t make it up on stage, the hypnosis was successful. I love the feeling of being free to receive instructions. If you’ve never tried it, Sirens, I highly recommend it.
    I’m sending all of you beautiful ladies some of my happy, peaceful vibes, especially you, Cupcake. ((Hugs))

  20.  #21Olivia on February 17, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    @Shannon – I hear you. What occurs to me is that you are on the cusp of something new. There’s much to celebrate – go you! And now, maybe, it’s time to reinvigorate whatever way you are being love in the world. Time to come at it in a refreshed way. My darkest moments in life – I look back at them, eventually, with appreciation.

  21.  #22Olivia on February 17, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Oops I meant @ cupcake!!!!!

  22.  #23Olivia on February 17, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    And Shannon I love your comment 15!

  23.  #24Zia on February 17, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    I have to say that the fact that this guy was completely ok with my request to go a little slowly has made me like him so much more! I feel safe and comfortable with him. Safe to express my needs. In the past I would be too concerned about how what I needed would effect the guy, so I’d bottle it up (and of course that led no where good)

  24.  #25Zia on February 17, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    i’m with you amber – flirting and cd’ing the world feels so much nicer to me than actual dating

  25.  #26Amber on February 17, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one!

  26.  #27Helena Hart on February 17, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    Cupcake – 8 & Millie – 18 – I could completely relate to these feelings of loneliness and isolation (even when surrounded by people), and frustrations about the type of men I was attracting. As I’m sure many of the other sirens here can tell you, it DOES get better, and awareness is the first step to turning everything around. The way I see it, you’ve already done the brave thing – you’re HERE and you’re talking about your feelings, which I think is amazing!

    Love, Helena

  27.  #28Dominique on February 18, 2014 at 1:07 am

    Serena – 4 – yes beautifully said.

  28.  #29Dominique on February 18, 2014 at 1:18 am

    Cupcake – did you happen to look at my latest article? I describe the sometimes confusion of feelings we can all go through. The waters get murky, and then they clear.

    Love to you.


  29.  #30Leigha Baker on February 18, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Shannon – 15- Wow!

    It feels really inspiring to read your story and what you’ve experienced and how you’ve made it into something so much bigger than yourself. Very impressive and amazing.

  30.  #31prplpsn28 on February 18, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Hi. Just signing in to new thread.

  31.  #32LoveAlways on February 18, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Hi Sirens:

    Don’t have time to catch up right now; it’s been such an intense few days. Hope you are all doing great!

    I just wanted to share something I put together called “Siren Slideshow” and to wish you all love and light.




  32.  #33Turquoise on February 18, 2014 at 1:43 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I feel like a newbie siren all over again…. Things were going really really well with Piano Man. I had such a good time with him and we have good chemistry, connection… he told me he hasn’t felt this way in a very long time and asked to see me again. Sunday I leaned forward and we texted a bit. He had his daughter and they sounded bored, so I said that he might think it was too soon, but my youngest and I were going to the movies if they wanted to join us. He asked what time, and when I told him, he said it wouldn’t work because he had to have her at her other grandparents before it was over, but that they would have come if they could. I said ok, maybe we can plan something ahead for another time and he said he would like that. I asked if he had plans for later that night, and we talked about him maybe coming over. Well, my ex was dropping our oldest off, and was there longer than I anticipated, so Piano Man texted in the meantime and said he was going to pass because he had to get up at 1AM for work. I said oh ok. and that was the last for the night. SO Monday morning I work up from this really great dream about him and texted him good morning… (I know, I know, 3rd lean forward, what was I thinking????) He replied warmly….. but that was the last I’ve heard from him, and it’s Tuesday at 4:30. He has always texted me before this since we started talking, usually I get a good morning, once I got a good afternoon.

    So, did I seriously blow it? He isn’t a player, seems like a really nice guy, said how much he liked me… but now is at that quiet place, that always happens once things seem to get good. I LIKE hearing from someone I’m seeing every day. I know guys don’t need to connect as much as we do….. but still feels kinda crappy to not hear from him.

    I’m keeping busy chatting with other friends, planning a candle party for Friday and a girls night for Saturday…. heading to the mall tonight and will plan every single minute of the next few days if necessary. I know I”m a catch. A really good one. I have my life together, I’m kind, good personality, I’m attractive… trying to stay positive that it’s only been a day, just in my past one day turns into several, then I lean forward and don’t get a good response, feel bad about the whole thing, and then 2 months down the road they pop back up.

    Seriously… I’ve been here for 3 years, why aren’t I better at relationships???? I should give zero advice to anyone. I’m only good at the initial attraction stuff. The rest feels hard.

  33.  #34Leigha Baker on February 18, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    LoveAlways – I love that. 🙂 It’s a beautiful website

  34.  #35Femininewoman on February 18, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Turquoise as far as I am concerned it is just about being aware of what works with men regardless of how you feel. They want to lead. You leading is a suggestion that all you want is friendship.

  35.  #36April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 2:44 pm


    You made it look like you enjoy initiating.

    If you want him to pursue, you have to stop pursuing.

    I imagine he now thinks you’ll be the one to text first. Sooo, just leave it and let the tables turn back the way they were. Might take a little time, cos it’s confusing to a man if we take the reins.
    He’ll come round.
    You just need to decide if you want to be the suggestion maker/planner/initiator or not.

  36.  #37Turquoise on February 18, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Well… I guess lesson learned then. But it’s not like this with all men. There are plenty of men who are with women who ask and make suggestions, etc. it can’t just be that.

  37.  #38April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    Cherry Norris said that you don’t get to see what he is made of if we are the one that makes the first move, and it’s so true.
    I came up with all the ideas when I first got together with WM. After two years of leading, I discovered Rori. It’s taken the best part of three years to choose and live my girl energy and turn the roles around.

  38.  #39April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    It is just that.
    If you lean forward, he will lean back. There’s nowhere else to move to inside the relationship bubble.

  39.  #40Leigha Baker on February 18, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Turquoise…you definitely did not blow it.

    You’ve been through quite a bit. I would love to see you do the Slathering Yourself With Love Tool every time you catch yourself beating yourself up for thinking you’ve messed up, or thinking you should be further along by now.

    It’s such a simple Tool yet it’s so powerful in shifting your vibe. It brings immediate relief. 🙂

  40.  #41April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    You have to make a choice which role you want. Masculine leaning forward, or feminine receiving mode.
    When a relationship is more established, over time, there can be a little switching between roles, when the fundamental dynamic has been established.

  41.  #42April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Yeah, slather on that love on you, Turquoise sweetie.

    If anything will bring him back quickly, that will. You feeling loved up and unworried. Now that is attractive to any man.


  42.  #43Leigha Baker on February 18, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    April Rose – 42 – Exactly! 🙂

  43.  #44Shannon on February 18, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Yeah, okay, so you leaned forward a couple times. Don’t play chicken little because he doesn’t text you “on time”, lol.

    He might be busy, you know.

    I find this trap SO easy to fall into. He didn’t do what he normally does, I must be the reason!! OH NO!

    Just relax. Step back, stop focusing on him and vibe-vomiting all over him (that what I call it when I think, think, think obsessively over a guy, so that’s not about you, lol), and find something super to do. Focus on painting a picture (especially if you don’t normally paint). Or write a story. Something you wouldn’t normally do, and which would take your focus and concentration.

    Take some deep breaths and dig into YOU, and don’t obsess about HIM. That’s vibing all over him and Rori says, they sense that.

    Draw back into your own realm and don’t over-analyze or blame yourself. No beating yourself up, Rori’s rules!

  44.  #45April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I love the ‘slather love all over it’ tool so much, I want get a reminder tattooed on me somewhere!

    I find much relief from implementing it
    This morning I felt so shitty. I slathered love all over the feeling. It morphed, from feeling lonely, to feeling sluggish, to feeling weepy, and kept morphing. I continued to imagine I was tipping buckets of love all over myself and all of these feelings.

    It helps with judgement too, when I’m not quite aware of the feeling. I was judging myself as lazy, useless, a lost cause. Slathered love on it all.

  45.  #46April Rose on February 18, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    I love that word – slather!

    It feels like there’s a big sloppy bar of foaming soap and creamy goose fat cascading over my skin and inside my bloodstream and around my organs, transforming each cell into a radiant, adored jewel.

  46.  #47Olivia on February 18, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    I suppose I am practicing the Rori tools with my toxic male family members. With my Dad it means I let him call me and I refrain from initiating contact with him. Which means we talk a lot less but he does seem to be more sensitive to me. He bought me a fancy kindle and had it sent to me loaded with a bunch of books.

    With my Brother it means we haven’t spoken in two years total. Had I not started Rori tools a year ago I probably would have reached out to him by now.

    Maybe someday my brother will row the boat toward me in a healthy way. Maybe my Dad will continue to be less and less toxic.

    I feel a sense of loss sometimes (what if my Dad dies soon and I haven’t spent more time with him and that makes me sad? What if my brother kills himself?) but it’s a small wisp of smoke that rises up then blows away.

    I’d like Rori to write about her tools and family again.

  47.  #48Zia on February 18, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    So I feel like my experience with M is a new chapter in this journey…. I catch myself wanting attention, wanting to just contact him to remind him I’m here… and am just practising leaning back, letting go. Lean back, let go. I have a whole toolbox of “self love” strategies that I used when I was single and not dating, and just reminding myself to continue to use them now when I’m seeking attention/validation. It’s such a new experience! I don’t actually feel needy or anxious though – I’m not worried when I don’t hear from him for a day, it’s just those old habits creeping up.

    I spent so much time breaking them that I don’t want to go back to them so just keep on doing what I’m doing.

  48.  #49Zia on February 18, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    I definitely notice the difference between when I wasn’t sure how I felt about him, to when I decided actually yes, I do like him.

  49.  #50Zia on February 18, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Ohhh and I just re-read through the most recent comments and they were SO helpful!!! Especially this one (#44) “I find this trap SO easy to fall into. He didn’t do what he normally does, I must be the reason!! OH NO!”

    I do that all the time!

  50.  #51Turquoise on February 18, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    I came home and made dinner then took my girls to gymnastics… Texted the evening away with 3 guy friends. It helped. One is basically a pen pal, he lives pretty far away, and we’ve never met, but he told me if we lived closer, he would have swept me off my feet months ago. Made me smile. 🙂

    I don’t know if I’m slathering myself in love, but I keep reminding myself that I’m awesome. My life is all finally falling into place. I feel great about that. Not planning to paint or write, but both sound fantastic… No, preparing for my candle party and girls night this weekend.

    Mr. Conversation thinks my ex is my problem. That he’s too involved in my life and provides so much for me, that it’s intimidating to someone new. I take really good care of myself, so was a little put off by that, but he said it’s about perception, not reality. He didn’t think the leaning forward was a big deal, but he really likes a lot of attention… So maybe he’s just different than most.

    Probably the biggest lesson to learn here…. The timing. I wasn’t thinking it should be a certain way by now, but could look that way to him. We have talked every day except today. Not a problem to not talk everyday, but when it’s what you are used to… Feels different. And if there is something wrong, and I can’t lean forward to ask, just feels worse. But, he’s a big boy. If he likes me, I’ll hear from him. If not… I guess I won’t.

  51.  #52Femininewoman on February 18, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Turquoise men have insecurities. I asked some of the guys on my job and what I got from them is “it is all about the chase”. Even though they might show interest when the girl responds by showing all that much interest their minds go “what’s wrong with her”. You see they think you are so hot you must have someone. If you don’t then something is wrong with you. They also like to know that they win aka chasing off the competition.

  52.  #53Emerson on February 18, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    I’ve really hit a wall.
    This article is good timing for me. I have been going thru a huge dry spell with meeting new CDs or men in general.
    Time to get serious about revisiting the tools.

  53.  #54Turquoise on February 18, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Isn’t that funny though… That if they don’t have someone they don’t think something is wrong with then? I know… The chase is good. It just all feels like a game sometimes.

  54.  #55Zia on February 18, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Argh, going down the rabbit hole! It’s amazing how easy it is to slip into insecurity/neediness!

  55.  #56Cupcake on February 18, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Turquoise #54-

    It IS such a game. And that’s just the way it is. I once saw a dog at the playground do EVERYTHING she could to get another dog to give up her ball. Brought sticks, another ball, a squeaky toy, dropping them at the feet of the dog who had the ball. The dog with the ball didn’t care, just kept chomping on the tennis ball.

    Finally, the tennis ball dog ran off to play with a third dog. She dropped the tennis ball she’d been carrying around. The second dog, the one that had been trying to tempt her to part with it for half an hour, went up to it, sniffed it once, and walked away. No interest in it, once the other dog had given it up.

    It was available, so — Meh.

    The parallel I’m sure is obvious….

  56.  #57Femininewoman on February 18, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    Men like to win.
    They value things they have to work hard for.

  57.  #58Femininewoman on February 18, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    RE 54 Many of them think there is something wrong with them. They also think they are not good enough.

  58.  #59Cupcake on February 18, 2014 at 8:15 pm

    Hi, lovely Sirens-

    First of all, thank you to whichever of you has been praying for me. I feel it. It feels like walking into fresh clean energy. I appreciate it very much, and feel touched that you’d do that for me.

    Second of all- today was a good day, and it ended with me being a total Siren, even though I was sweaty from the gym and hadn’t washed my hair.

    Good day…was listening to a book on tape about William James and psychology– essentially that the actions we take give shape to our thoughts, which in turn shape our emotions. So if you smile, you feel happy and it leads you to think positive thoughts. As opposed to the popular psychology notion that if you think positive thoughts, it leads you to to feel happy and take positive actions. The action precedes the emotion, according to William James.

    But all that aside– I met up with this kid I met last week to go for an evening walk. (Not a CD– He is younger and has a girlfriend.) Like me he is new to town and doesn’t know anyone, and the girlfriend seems to like to stay at home, so he’s been out doing stuff by himself. (She was invited to come on the walk but declined.)

    Anyway, we were talking about what we observe about New City, likes and dislikes, and both of us feel like we could go either way about staying here or leaving.

    I said, “I keep asking the Universe to give me a sign about whether or not I should stay.”

    “What kind of a sign?” he asked.

    And then out of the blue he said, indicating a row of brightly painted houses, “Cupcakes. This place cupcake-city.”

    I stood there open mouthed.

    He looked at me, puzzled about why I was looking at him so weirdly. He gestured at the houses again. “Don’t you see it? The houses look like a row of cupcakes.”

    I said, “Yes. I see it.”

    So was that my sign?

    I think maybe it was.

    And then we kept walking, and passed a cafe where I flirt with the handsome barista, and I peeked in the window and the barista saw me and gestured for us to come in, so we did. And that thing happened where your stock goes up because the handsome barista was totally surprised to see me walk through the doors with an equally handsome young man, and then there was a third young man that my new walking companion knew, who joined the group. So suddenly I was talking to three very attractive and interesting young men, and I felt like such a Siren. Sparks were flying everywhere. I felt like the soggy tennis ball in the post I just wrote to Turquoise.

    It ended up with me making plans for Thursday AND Friday with various subgroups of the three handsome young men.

    Now all I need is to meet age-appropriate handsome men who are single, instead of two decades younger-than-me young handsome men who have girlfriends.

    A city of Cupcakes, he said. Cupcake-city.

    Maybe it is, Sirens. Maybe it is, after all.

    (And thanks again for the prayers, whoever you are. I know it’s someone on the board. Angels, all of you, as well as Sirens.)

  59.  #60Indigo on February 18, 2014 at 8:24 pm


    If you can look at it all just as experimentation, it’s much easier not to be so hard on yourself.

    Leaning back, letting him initiate and lead plans and communication is something that needs to be practiced, and gotten used to… it’s not 100% comfortable to us all the time. There are no mistakes and no “wrong” moves 🙂 I feel, like April Rose suggested, that you can feel the energy in the relationship bubble… and like Dominique is always saying, you can feel if the energy balance is slightly off from an uncomfy feeling you might have.

    So you just gently pull yourself back and let him come towards you again, and let it go… no need for beating yourself up, as now perhaps you know something that you didn’t know before.


  60.  #61Turquoise on February 18, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Thanks sirens 🙂 I feel much better. I am the yummy pie. And the yummy pie is just resting on the windowsill… Basking in the sunlight. Tonight… I’m razzleberry! Goodnight!

  61.  #62Millie on February 18, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    @52- FeminineWoman

    That comment literally sank my heart to rock bottom.
    bottom. No one is ever going to want me.

  62.  #63Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 2:09 am

    What comment Millie. I wrote there what I heard from guys.

  63.  #64Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Millie, remember that we know how to by-pass all of that and create high value. We know how to make it “I’m single because I’m SELECTIVE and so far no man has measured up. What about you? Can YOU measure up?” And we never have to say a thing to that effect.

    But Millie, I think that’s part of your issue all the way around. I see you as not having really internalized yourself as the Prize.

    Mechanic should be lucky to bask in your presence. He’s fortunate to have met a woman that knows Rori’s principles. Any man who meets you, is lucky to have met a woman that knows them. They are fortunate to be in your presence because, for even so much as a moment, you can give them a glimpse into their own hearts; a foreign and beautiful feeling for them.

    You are a different class, a breed apart, only because you know Rori’s teachings. This alone puts you head and shoulders above the rest.

    Furthermore, just because the men at FW’s work think there’s something wrong with single women, does not mean all men feel that way. Many men prefer single women, because they don’t feel right about dating women in relationships already.

    Your own attitude about being single “I’m single because I haven’t found the right one yet” is what determines how they take it. “I’m single because I’m picky” is completely different from, “I’m single because I’m broken.”

    YOU get to decide and YOU get to display whether you’re single because you have high standards or whether you’re single because no one will accept you… and you get to vibe that.

    And here’s the FACT. You ARE single because you’re selective. If you really wanted to get into any old relationship with any scummy guy who would take you, you could do it. Any of us could. Go up to some old toothless wonder and he’ll be desperate enough to take you… but would you ever do that?

    Of course you wouldn’t. You’re selective!

  64.  #65Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 3:37 am

    Cupcake, 59…

    If I didn’t have a mouth full of oil, my mouth would have fallen open and I’d have had to pick my jaw up off of the floor, lol.

    That’s amazing. I mean, it couldn’t be more obvious that the universe had something firm and adamant to say to you right there.

    I am just in awe. What a powerful, incredible statement of love and awareness from the Universe. “I see you. I hear you. I respond to you. I love you.” That’s even more powerful than a beam of light opening up out of the clouds right at that moment, because this one couldn’t be more personally apropos if you staged it!

    I have gooseflesh all up and down my arms!

  65.  #66Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 3:40 am

    And cupcake… maybe it was?? Maybe? MAY-be? MAYBE?!

    For realz, gurl?!

    What could possibly be “maybe” about that? NOTHING!

    You can’t get any more “that was my sign” than if you got handed one and slapped in the face, lol.

  66.  #67Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 5:41 am

    Cupcake City… I love it 🙂 I would say you are in exactly the right place right now! I like what you said about your stock going up too lol.

    With Piano Man… I thought about it more last night. I did lean forward, and that didn’t help things… But I am a siren, with her life together and live in a huge house in the best part of town…. He lives in a nice house with his dad and is so humble, that even though he has his own handyman landscaping business… When you ask what he does, he says he cuts grass. When I first told him where I live… He said those are some nice houses… When he picked me up Friday, he commented several times with how nice it is. I shared that I bought a lot of my furniture on Craigslist, I drive a 20k car, not a 50k… I grew up poor… I dress nice, but not designer… The house is great, but it doesn’t define me…. I’m not looking for a man to take care of me, but I wonder if they look at me and think they couldn’t give me this. If they want to win… But feel insecure…. How do I handle this? We had such a good time together. It was fun….

  67.  #68Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Sweetheart said I lived in a castle….. Me. Conversation has said he couldn’t afford to live in my neighborhood…

  68.  #69prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 6:18 am

    I was wondering if you ladies could help me with a script for the next time I see H. I want to let him know that I feel like my feelings have been disrespected without pointing a finger or putting blame on him. Reasons being #1) for not letting me know til the last minute that he’d be gone and #2) for having no contact at all over the entire wknd after I had expressed feeling like I felt left out. I also need to come up with a good script to try and get to the bottom of how he sees this relationship and where he sees things for the future.

  69.  #70Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 6:44 am

    How about just going out a living your life and allowing him to let you know when he is ready? A script with expectations won’t corner him into telling you anything except maybe what he thinks you want to hear.

  70.  #71Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 6:50 am

    “Furthermore, just because the men at FW’s work think there’s something wrong with single women”

    Is that what you understood from the comment? hhmm. What I understood was the fact that you are showing so much interest in “them” like in chasing them and trying to do whatever to connect with them is when they suggest that something is wrong with you. Not the fact that you are single. They think that you are so hot there must be a lot of men chasing you. Not the other way around. They assume that somebody must have you.

  71.  #72Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 6:57 am

    That’s how it reads to me, yeah.

  72.  #73Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Turquoise – men have to deal with their own issues.

    One script I had kept from Mel was

    “Your sweet kisses make my life feel rich. That can’t be compared to material gifts”. It might be something you could tweak to use for your situation.

  73.  #74kyla on February 19, 2014 at 7:11 am

    FW I remember R saying the exact same thing to me.. that if a hot girl liked him he wondered what’s the catch, what could she possibly see in me that makes her want me, what’s wrong with her and he was scared of what she wanted from him.. but with me he said he felt like he was winning everyday, could measure what he did that I liked, what was working, what to do more of and he knew why I like him..

  74.  #75Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 7:14 am

    prplpsn – A script I kept from Mel also was:-

    “I’m feeling lost in the shuffle. Feeling needy even. I hate to feel needy because I think of myself as an independent person and hate to admit that I need anything. But I do. I’m just a girl. And a girl wants higs, cuddles, kisses and to be smiled at and to be talked to in real life and I feel disconnected during long silences. I don’t want to go so long without communication and touches or laughing or fun. And I’m feeling kinda angry at myself for wanting this but meh. The logical part of me know how busy we both are and the last thing I want to be is needy or demanding. But meh, the girl in my will not respond to logic despite my efforts to convince her otherwise. She wants what she wants and she feels what she feels. So I have decided to feel them and to express them. So there you have it. I miss you. I guess I am not as independent as I thought”.

  75.  #76Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Kyla I have experienced it myself.

  76.  #77kyla on February 19, 2014 at 7:18 am

    way back when we were dating maybe 3 or 4 months.. sigh.. oh well.. actually it feels good to remember what worked and what felt good, I can use that 🙂

  77.  #78kyla on February 19, 2014 at 7:20 am

    @Cupcake – I love Cupcake City! I feel so happy to hear that you are feeling surrounded by good feeling positive energy and reading it feels like the universe is opening up and giving to you. Love to you.

  78.  #79Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:21 am

    01 Written by Rori Raye
    Why Aren’t You Circular Dating

    Okay…just got this from a member of my Customer Service team, Jolene, who helps us all by sorting through all my emails before forwarding them to me…and it was like getting hit with a light bulb…

    «Rori, Have you ever posed a question to your bloggers about why they don’t do Circular Dating and continue to try to analyze and wait around for a man? It just seems to me that the letters we get (like the ones you addressed in recent eletters) are from women who still don’t get it. Or maybe they know, but they just don’t want to do it. Why don’t they want to do it? Jolene»

    And here’s the thing:

    When we’re “into” a man…it’s SO HARD to do anything that feels the slightest bit different. We think we’re being disloyal. We feel guilty.

    Because we’re AFRAID!!

    We’re truly terrified of rocking the boat.

    We’re afraid of making him mad.

    We’re afraid that if WE flirt with other men to keep ourselves strong and diva-like, HE’LL start flirting with other women just to keep EVEN with us!

    AND…I HAVE heard of things like this happening…but NOT for the reason you think!

    Are we so afraid of displeasing a man who has not committed to us that we FREEZE ourselves?

    Are we so afraid of facing, head-on and truthfully, what IS ACTUALLY going on in a relationship that is making US unhappy – that we just tolerate “whatever”?

    That we just…WAIT?

    Now..how does THAT image feel?

    The problem happens when we start Circular Dating to “get back” at a man. or to play “games,” or to “play hard to get.”

    Anything you do on the outside that’s FAKE, that’s meant to cause some sort of reaction in a man is playing with fire, and is working AGAINST YOU.

    What you want to do is BECOME “hard to get.” For REAL.

    That means, you have options, and YOU are in a position to CHOOSE him or….NOT!!

    In other words…where does a man “get off” sewing up your time, energy and love…without life-long commitment? I mean…”Really!”

    Yes, Circular Dating might make your man ANGRY.

    The thing is…so WHAT??!! So WHAT if he gets angry?

    Those of us who’ve lived our lives trying to get what we want and need with sugar and honey, and working to win people over and be liked, and those of us who’ve been actually abused, and so tried to “get along” in order to simply SURVIVE…are afraid of doing ANYTHING that might anger someone else.

    We are always in a position of “explaining” ourselves. We are always concerned about “hurting” him (actually we’re concerned with angering him”).

    We always think it’s up to US to “make the peace.”

    And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

    It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

    It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

    It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

    So…no WONDER you’re not Circular Dating? Well – I’m here (we’re ALL here, in this wonderful community) to CHANGE that convention. To CHANGE that “expectation.” To END the “rules” of the “game” as they stand now. And to actually END the GAME.

    There IS no game. Not anymore. There’s only you, what you want and need and deserve, and the men who “get that” and want to be with you.

    There is no more time, energy and love left for any man who does not want you.

    The days of settling for less love are over.

    The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.

    Circular Dating is not a game. It’s not a strategy. It’s a therapeutic, pro-active Tool to get your Masculine energy engaged in the SERVICE of your Feminine self. It’s a Tool to get you out in the world so you can PRACTICE the Inner work of the Siren you truly are.

    I’m your head cheerleader…so let’s get on with this. Get your toes wet in the ideas of Circular Dating, learn how to do it for REAL. (Not how you imagine I mean you to do it, or how you guess or piece together how I mean for you to do it…there are very subtle and important things about doing this right that make all the difference in how your “vibe” will shift for the good of your life, and doing it half-way or with the wrong mind-set will just keep you where you are and allow you to say “it didn’t work”…when it DOES WORK!!!)

    Let me know how my Targeting Mr. Right program helps you. If you don’t have it yet, take a look at the letter I’ve written around it on my catalog page over on the “sidebar’ here – just that letter alone will help you understand how Circular Dating actually works.

    Let me know how I can best help you to move from focusing on one man to Circular Dating…and to get what you want!

    Love, Rori


  79.  #80Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:22 am

    02 Written by Rori Raye
    Circular Dating Will Heal Your Heart if You Look for the Messages Instead of the Man

    This comment felt so universal, I wanted to jump off into a post:

    «Hi, Rori,

    Well, I’ve about given up on dating websites; I’ve only had a few people contact me, on any website, in the last few weeks. It’s very discouraging, especially since most of them are younger men, and I’m not interested. Also, the guy from Arkansas wasn’t on that website for about a week, and then he came back. I’m just not going on them at all, unless someone contacts me.

    I saw a guy I kind of liked (he was watching me, I was watching him, or so it seemed), in a meetup movie group I belong to, last night, but it turns out that he’s kinda dating the young lady who organizes the movies and meetups for the group. They met at a movie meetup at someone’s home, which I did not attend, and she says they had an “instant connection”.

    It seems like every time I find a guy I like, and he seems even a little bit interested in me, he ends up going after someone else.
    I’m about to give up on dating, etc., altogether.

    I need to take care of some issues that I have, and the anniversary of my husband’s death is coming up, which is a difficult time for me, even though our relationship wasn’t in a great place, when he died. It’s on St. Patrick’s Day, March 17th.

    I’ve been blue all weekend, because of the guy thing, and also some other things not related to guys that have happened.»

    Here’s my answer:

    First – I can only imagine what you are experiencing on this anniversary of your husband’s death – especially with the conflicting feelings around “even though our relationship wasn’t in a great place, when he died.”

    Can you be a little gentle with yourself?

    This has got to be a triggering time for you…and it’s going to make you feel things you don’t want to feel.

    It’s going to bring up anger, and “what ifs,” and “becauses,” and all kinds of impulses to analyze your thoughts and feelings and the “nature of the world,” to and push your feelings aside.

    I just want to send you love and compassion, and ask you to shower yourself with love and compassion right now. Just slather it on like butter. The butter of love for YOU.

    Now – about the men and dating:

    I know what you’re feeling about your pool of men – I’ve been there, we’ve all been there in this place of utter frustration. It feels like total LACK.

    Like there just isn’t what we want. Not anywhere. Like it plain doesn’t exist.

    And this is what Circular Dating heals.

    Circular Dating isn’t about meeting “the guy” – or about finding love, or any result (though it will GET you that result).

    Circular Dating is about practicing ALL your Tools with men everywhere. That means at the grocery store, at the meetup group, everywhere. This means you FOCUS on the PROCESS of learning to open up your heart in the presence of a man – no matter who he is or where you are – and that you have coffee with even the men who are “too young” in order to practice with them.

    Instead of focusing on the choosing part right now – focus on the practicing part. On the therapeutic part. It will shift your perception so much that you’ll start to have FUN with all this – and that’s the key here – having fun, not getting burned out…using everything as a lesson to move you forward.

    Focusing on what feels good – yes – on the positive moments you have, even if they seem insignificant to you.

    I know you’ll want to say to me…”But there ARE no men showing up! Who am I supposed to practice WITH?”

    And here’s where Circular Dating shines:

    There are men everywhere. They may not be in the package you think you want, or look or smell right.

    They may not have the the income you’d consider okay in a man, or the correct age range, or the education. They may be depressed, or ill, or completely unsuitable in a number of ways.

    But, they’re still human beings. More important – they’re still MEN – and that means they are showing up in your world for you to practice on.

    If a man is in front of you, and interacting with you, there is only one reason you need for interacting and practicing with him – that he’s there in front of you!

    You don’t have to know what his message for you is right away. Just know that he IS a Messenger.

    A man is standing in front of you because he has a message for you. Do not judge him. Do not limit him. Just BE with him. PRACTICE just BEING with him. Practice every Tool you have, from this blog, from the ebook, from my programs.

    You have enough Tools to have an incredibly FUN time practicing and barely even scratch the surface of your Toolbox!

    And then there’s THIS benefit: When you practice, things change. That’s what therapy is, and Circular Dating is Free Therapy.

    Every man out there, every Messenger out there, every Message that shows up in the form of any Messenger will HELP you. He will help you. The Message will help you. That’s why he, and it, showed up. That’s all you need to know in order to have a good and helpful experience.

    If you look at EVERYTHING in that way – even the man at the Meetup who was dating someone else but who LOOKED at you – as someone and something to PRACTICE with – the experience will be completely different for you.

    The nuts-and-bolts of Circular Dating are about HOW to practice in the most efficient and therapeutic way that will get you the fastest results possible for your love life (Targeting Mr. Right is the program for these nuts-and-bolts) – but even without those specifics, just looking at this whole Circular Dating thing in this new way will change everything for you – and fast.

    Once you look at being out in the world as Free Therapy, and focus on the process of THAT, instead of either focusing on results or trying NOT to focus on results (we have to focus on SOMETHING!) – every interaction with every man will be an entirely new, and very satisfying experience for you.

    It will keep you on the track of feeling good – and that’s what will help you right now.

    I am with you on this anniversary of a painful experience, and wish you love and healing.

    Go experience the Messengers, wherever they are and however they look, and experience the Messages, no matter how brief, or seemingly insignificant. It’s all for you, all meant for you, and if you see it as help and hope – that’s how it will be for you.

    Love, Rori


  80.  #81Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:23 am

    03 Written by Rori Raye
    Circular Dating Will Get You More Love Than You Can Imagine Because It’s Therapy

    Here’s a simple question with a huge answer – to reframe the entire notion of “dating” for you…

    «Rori, Ive done circular dating in the past 3 or 4 men at a time …but i ended up feeling tired an hopeless when nothing good showed up …i felt defeated…Marika»

    Yeah – but Circular Dating isn’t about meeting good men.

    It’s about USING every interaction with any man – at the market – anywhere – no matter who they are or what they look like – to raise your self esteem and start finding and sorting through and healing these patterns of being attracted to unavailable men and men who just can’t do the job of relationship.

    If you interact with 100 men in a week – you’re going to learn more and heal more than years of therapy.

    Sometimes a 30 second interaction in a market or the gym – where you REALLLY PRADCTICE – BEING PRESENT, FEELING MESSAGES -Sensual Meditation – ALL OF IT —-is worth more to you therapeutically than dating one man for months….

    Marika – NOTHING, NO ONE is a CURE!!

    You have to do this yourself…using skills and Tools and AWARENESS and Behavior Modification…This is in your hands.

    You hire people to give you skills and insights and do things with you that HELP you do what you need to do. Even EFT – you learn to do it for yourself – but having someone else do it with you is way more powerful.

    It’s like getting a haircut and your all-over grooming. You can do it ALL yourself. But when a really, really good professional does it for you – or shows you HOW to use makeup and hair Tools – it’s a whole different experience and you get better results every day. But you STILL have to do it!!

    You can’t have hair and makeup come to your house every day. But after a while – you get really, really good at it, and you learn your own face and hair and end up better than nearly anyone – until another hair and makeup person shows you something NEW!!!

    My Targeting Mr. Right program is about the nuts-and bolts of Circular Dating so that you can let go of looking for some kind of result in your OLD way – and instead – feel incredible because of the immediate result you WILL get – feeling so much stronger and in control of your love life, working through “men” in a way that empowers you and gives you the practice you need in being more emotionally open, more vulnerable, and more in love with yourself.

    There’s a lot of free information about Circular Dating on the catalog page for “Targeting” – so feel free to go there and read…

    Love, Rori



  81.  #82Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:25 am

    04 Written by Rori Raye
    Do You Have To Use The “Feel” Word?

    I’ve been asked wonderful questions by women in my teleclass support group this session – here’s one I wanted to answer:

    «Rori, Can’t you make feeling statements without saying “I feel…”? I feel like saying it so much is redundant and awkward. Aren’t there other ways to make feelings statements without using those words?»

    The answer is – No.

    A “Feeling Statement” is exactly what it is – a “Feeling Statement” – capitalized because it’s a “Rori Raye Tool.”

    The word “feel” here IS the tool. (The full explanation and guide for exactly how to do a Feeling Statement is in my ebook…) For now – the tool is the word “Feel.” All by itself, it’s the tool.

    Speaking the words “I feel” effects your inner workings, your mind, your body, your heart. And it effects a man – his inner workings, his mind, his body, his heart. It’s just a word that – luckily for us – has this profound effect out there in the world.

    After a lifetime of being told and believing that emotions are not good to show, and that we must temp them down and stuff them down and avoid them at all costs and strive for being “reasonable” and “efficient” and “competent” and “accomplished,” it turns out that emotions are what make us human.

    They’re your “ace-in-the-hole.” Emotions are the “stuff” of us that make you more woman and less man – without diminishing your abilities, the sharpness of your thought, or your ability to succeed – even “kick ass” if you want – out there in the world.

    Emotions fuel you, they heal you, and your emotions move OTHERS.

    Meaning – the quality of your emotion, and the way in which you express your emotions is directly how you get more love in your life.

    The trick for us is to get so “aware” of our emotions – the patterns of them, what triggers them, how they morph and change and shift, and how it feels to not so much “manage” them as “feel” them.

    And as that awareness grows – so does your faith in yourself. In other words – your self-esteem and self-respect can grow powerfully as you become aware of, accept, love and express your emotions on deeper and deeper levels.

    When you speak the word “feel” and use it as a channel to express what you feel – you’re working on “all burners.”

    1. Becoming aware of what you feel
    2. Putting words to what you feel
    3. Expressing what you feel in a way that involves no one but you – and so is totally, 100% safety-making, self-trusting, world and man-trusting, self, world and man honoring…and profoundly moving in the classical, artistic sense.
    The faster you practice it in this structured way, the faster you learn how to do it brilliantly, and the faster you’re able to connect heart-to-heart with any man you choose.

    Love, Rori


  82.  #83Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:26 am

    05 Written by Rori Raye
    How Feeling Messages Work

    Do you ever feel tempted beyond endurance to tell a man how you feel? Even when he’s not there, or he’s not interested, or he doesn’t care, or he hasn’t called you in weeks, or you’ve been broken up?

    And then when you do it – you call, or email, or write, or met with him – and you get it all off your chest (usually in the name of “honesty”) you feel WORSE than ever?

    I remember this happening to me in ways that I don’t even want to remember. Humiliating things. A man I adored, who after he dumped me for another woman (he met her and flirted with her and connected with her right in front of my face, in the same restaurant booth we were all sitting in) – who offered to come over so I could “get it out at him”- who offered to let me hit him.

    I said “Yes,” he carefully took off his watch, first, and put it on the dining room table – correctly assuming I’d never want to hurt his WATCH by stomping on it, and then I started swinging.

    When he left I felt horrible. I felt like I’d been a puppet, doing something that LOOKED like it was for “me” and getting my feelings out and all that…but actually was for HIM – to make him feel better, to absolve HIM from his pain at dumping me (and “using” me as a “friend with benefits” for the year-and-a-half before), to close things out for HIM.

    So what can you learn from my humiliation? Simply – talking to a man about your feelings when there is NO RELATIONSHIP – is all about HIM, not about YOU. You CANNOT feel better by being “honest” and “Open about your feelings” when you have an AGENDA.

    My agenda for this man was, still – and this is beyond belief – SEE him, BE with him, demonstrate to him what a powerful woman I was (hah), and my hugest issue, to PROVE that I actually had the guts to be angry. Truly – I needed to prove to MYSELF that I could be angry, that I could DEAL with him. And – perhaps get him back.

    You don’t have to do any of that. In fact – I FORBID you to do any of that.

    Getting stuff “off your chest” does NOT have to be done in his presence. You can get stuff off your chest with my Tools, the mirror, your journal – and then you can TRANSFORM the thoughts that are weighing you down into feelings that will lift you up.

    Communicating with a man only works if HE can “catch” (great word courtesy of Todd Creager) your feelings. If he WANTS to catch your feelings.

    Most of the time, in most BAD and DONE relationships, a man only wants to relieve his own guilt and bad feelings. He wants to turn you into a “friend” – or get “closure” on things so he can wash his hands and move on.


    So, then, how do you use Feeling Messages in a situation where a relationship is “over” but he tries to see you anyway – to be “friendly”?

    It’s been so long since I wrote my ebook – I realized, after reading your wonderful posts and letters, that I wanted to make Feeling Messages very, very clear.

    A Feeling Message is not an attempt to make something happen.

    It’s not about GETTING something from a man, or getting something clear, or getting any kind of result – even getting stuff off your chest so you can “feel better” (and we all know that NEVER happens – we only feel worse).

    A Feeling Message is about SHARING.

    It’s about SHARING your FEELING STATE.

    It’s about sharing where you are, how you are in a being sense.

    It’s not about your mindset, or what you think, or what you feel about who he is and what’s going on, it’s not about an opinion, and it’s not about spewing your stored up feelings all over him to release the tension and anxiety and try to “shake” things up.

    A Feeling Message is simply YOU…BEING. And then speaking how you are being – out loud.

    You are saying, out loud, the state of your…just Being. And the LANGUAGE of that state of “just being” is in Feeling words.

    Even if you feel agitated, uncomfortable, miserable, sad, – even if what you feel is terror or rage – it’s STILL simply a state of Being, a state of feeling. Your Feeling State.

    And it’s this simple Sharing that HONORS him, honors the relationship, whatever it is, and totally honors YOURSELF.

    It says to any person present that you are STRONG – because you are ABLE to FEEL your state of being – instead of trying desperately to improve it one way or another by trying to make something happen.

    That means: I feel bad is a Feeling State. I feel hurt is a confusing word, and I recommend you don’t use it, because it almost says “you hurt me” (hurt is a verb, an action word, as well as a state of feeling, and we women tend to use hurt often – and when we do – we don’t mean I’m feeling hurting, we mean You hurt me, more often than not). Try I feel painful, instead. Or I feel hurting.

    I explain this completely in my ebook, and I demonstrate it with volunteers from the seminar participants in my programs – especially in Modern Siren, where I really go into feelings and their expression – and the Strong Surrender Tool.

    Let me know if you’re confused – and let me know your stories about trying to express your feelings even when you KNOW you have a hidden agenda (trying to get back together with him, trying to get him to do something or say something…) and you KNOW he isn’t listening.

    Love, Rori



  83.  #84Zara on February 19, 2014 at 7:30 am

    06 Written by Rori Raye
    The Ultimate Feeling Message Date

    I just received this letter from Averie, and it’s such a testimonial to Circular Dating, and gives you so much HOPE – let it help you keep the wonderful, amazing things you’re doing:

    «Hi Rori,

    Since our last contact, I’ve made some amazing discoveries about myself and dating. I can’t wait to share with you all the amazing things I’ve been through…I thought you might want to hear a little story….

    Recently, I’ve gone on a new date with a new guy. The dinner was great, the food was awesome, and I couldn’t stop smiling because I was so proud of myself and so into myself and be able to just listen to him, then talk.

    After dinner, I offered to pay half the meal, the guy looked at me with total surprise, and said, “I would never do that to you, that would make you look unworthy.”

    That was the first time a guy ever said that to me. Talk about MESSAGES. maybe I was insecure for a moment that I didn’t feel like I was worthy for a fancy dinner?? At least that’s what I originally THOUGHT.

    I did not figure this out until like two days later, it hit me that that wasn’t the main reason why I did that. I just didn’t want to OFFEND him. And that really is a big issue for me because my ex was a toxic man, and he would do stuff just to “hurt” me because I offended him, he would try to teach me “lessons.”

    Since then, I’ve been so burnt down that I couldn’t speak my truth for a long time. I would always live on this edge that “if I offend someone, he wouldn’t like me, or he would want to hurt me back.” this is the real message for me, once I realized that, it feels like I could just relax and so much relief..!!!!

    And after dinner, we went to see “He’s Just Not That Into You.” During the movie, I was moved to tears because of what the guy in the movie said about vulnerability. He didn’t see that as “psycho” or “drama.” He seemed to open up to me more…not in words, in actions….it was raining outside, he took off his jacket and put it over my head, grab me into his arms as we walked to the car.

    It felt like I was connected to myself in the movie, so he got connected to me, I FELT MY DEPTH, so he FELT MY DEPTH. it was all like magic. we just got connected, in a much silent way.

    Just want to give you updates along my little journey and tell you how much I appreciate your effort in your work. and also feel free to use whatever I write:) it is because of you that opens a brand new door for me to see a brand new world, so THANK YOU.

    Averie’s amazing experience just comes through her words. It feels light, and easy, and yet Averie is talking about big-time feelings, old patterns, traumas that come up for her…and how so MUCH came up and got processed and made a huge DIFFERENCE.

    You can do it too…you’re doing it right now…

    Love, Rori



  84.  #85Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 7:37 am

    Woohoo Zara

  85.  #86Zara on February 19, 2014 at 8:03 am

    85 Femininewoman

    Salut 🙂


  86.  #87LoveAlways on February 19, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Thank you Leigha, glad you enjoyed, it’s my collection of feminine energy posts, I look at it regularly like a screen saver

  87.  #88Indigo on February 19, 2014 at 9:02 am


    If I may be so bold, I sense a “convincing” intention as to why you want to give a speech to your man… it can’t be about convincing, or changing him, or getting into his head.

    If you are going to have a heart to heart, it has to be “purely” about expressing how you feel, and that has to be enough.

    What Zara and FW have posted about Circular Dating is excellent… the change has to come from you, and you need to be willing to be triggered beyond your comfort zone, to get what you want. Lingering in this relationship, hoping and hoping he will step up, simply won’t work.


  88.  #89Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Well said Indigo. Hasn’t worked up till now. 2 years later.

  89.  #90Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 9:48 am

    LoveAlways thanks for sharing that. It was absolutely love. I felt the art speak to my soul.

  90.  #91Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 10:48 am

    But what do you do when you actually like one of your CD’s …. Isn’t that the point of dating? To meet someone you want a relationship with?

  91.  #92Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 10:49 am

    If it’s not about finding good men…. Where does that part come in? I feel like I’m missing something.

  92.  #93Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Turquoise you are the target. They find you. If you make it about finding good men then your vibe turns into one of hunting and wanting to slam a man into a cage. Men don’t like that vibe. They don’t like to feel hunted.

  93.  #94Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Turquoise, Rori explains it nicely in the Siren program.

    You’re the Siren. You’re on your island, flying around, looking at flowers… maybe singing… maybe watching your hair blow in the breeze…

    Men go by on their boats. Some will just take a peek, get scared, and run away. Others will paddle past, dip their toes in the water, and then float away.

    But some are going to just CRASH THEIR boat on your island. They’re just gonna come along and they’re gonna just BAM, crash their boat.

    You let all of these men take their looksee… but the one that crashes his boat AND takes your favor… that’s the one that you let onto your island.

    Notice, though, that he crashes his boat. You do nothing but live. You exist. He crashes his boat, trips on himself, and falls at your feet. Then you say, “Hmm, okay. You’ll do.” *wink*

    The boat crashing has to be all him. You don’t throw a rope out there and drag his boat onto shore and haul him out of it. That’s not your job. He has to crash his boat all by himself.

    You’ll look out there and maybe covet a few of those men on those boats. But if he didn’t crash his boat on your shore, he’s not The One. And all you can do is beckon invitingly. He either becomes enthralled and crashes… or he lets the currents of life drag him away–his loss. If only he knew what was on that island!

    It’s his choice.

    And you know what? It’s always really his choice, and yours. We might snag a reluctant man now and again, but… what fun is that for anyone? It doesn’t end well. Even then, ultimately, he was the one who decided not to walk away, wasn’t he?

    So the purpose of circular dating is to have so many wonderful boats circling you that when one of them doesn’t crash himself on your shore, it doesn’t matter all that much. After all, there are so many more boats out there with lovely men in them…

  94.  #95Andrea on February 19, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Oh Yes!! Zara. Thank you for posting those. Well needed refresher!!

    I feel cagey, grumpy, and off kilter. I’ve felt it this whole week and I’ll tell you what… it’s because what I’ve done in the past has not worked for me and I’m finding NEW CENTER!!

    I’ve been really feeling angry. ANGRY at my ex for completely cutting me off, first from face book, then from his affections, then from any kindness, then from any contact what so ever. And that all happened last year. But it’s all coming up again now more raw, more scary, more truthful. And it’s because instead of going out and finding someone else, I’m willing to sit with this. Sit with all my mistakes, misunderstandings, miscalculations and all of the ways in which I tried to do MASCULINE energy all over every endeavor I ever made at “love”.

    I feel the anger seep out of me, it is puss filled grime and hatred and self loathing and I aim it in his direction because I’ll tell you what… if he had been willing to just continue on in the filth of our relationship, I would have let him. I would still be in it, but I wouldn’t be feeling this pain right now. And it hurts to see myself this way.

    But then underneath the anger and the hurt is this tiny ray of sunshine and it’s really an act of True Love (for himself and for me) that my ex backed away. The energy I was throwing at him was so detrimental to him and to me. I was a temper tantrum throwing little girl who thought that there was little value in being feminine so I tried my hardest to be Boy energy. I chased. I planned. I started the “what is our relationship” conversations. I went. I did. I worked. I fended for myself. I stretched. I lied and said it was for him. I felt myself breathing in the energy of “Lie”… but I didn’t understand it. I just always felt icky. I blamed him for cheating on me, for being woosy, for not making plans, for not letting me know whether he wanted a committed relationship, for not treating me like a queen.. and got so hurt and angry when he would say… “What Queen??”

    oooohhhhh ugh ugh ugh…

    Now I’m realizing what a habit I have of being that way in a relationship with a man. From start to finish I try to control, cadjole, convince… and I don’t want to do that anymore.

    It takes practice. I feel an urge to go slow. Take it easy on myself. Forgive myself. Do my nails, take a hot shower, go for walks, and notice, just notice what shows up in real life and in dreams and even in fantasies. Just notice without acting on the noticing. Just notice…

    Then maybe someone will come along and ask me.. “why are you smiling?” or some such question.. “How are you?” How was your day? and I won’t have to DO anything to get or keep his attention. I’ll just be able to share. SHARE!!!! Just SHARE how I am BEING right now, in the moment.

    oooooooohhhhhhhh mmmmmmm I feel so much peace resonating with in me now. It’s not hard work to just BE ME. I can be slow. I can be gentle and quiet and let things go, let past experiences just float away and not talk about them anymore, not discuss motivations with my friends, not come up with answers or strategies or plans.. just BE. Be my most relaxed, comfortable, glowing self right now. And if someone wants IN… then I can open up and share myself through feeling messages with him. And I don’t have to DO anything else.

    I love me again. I feel soft and peace and love again, open again.

  95.  #96Tereana on February 19, 2014 at 11:33 am

    FW – super cool : ) (#3)

    Also, in response to your response to me in the last thread (I think it was 131), that felt really nice to read : ) I forget exactly the words, but it was about how M sounds like a man who is truly interested in me and in a relationship, and I agree : ) also, I reread what I wrote, and yes, although it is “true,” it’s fairly thinky.

    So anyway, yes. He is doing All The Things. He is showing interest, making time for me, sharing about his life. It feels really nice. Like I don’t have to force it to be anything.

    And to answer your question, no, I haven’t really felt the urge to lean forward and kiss him. Maybe on a couple of occasions I thought there was a romantic opportunity for him to kiss me. But I didn’t feel like I needed or wanted to be the one to lead that. The last time when he hugged me, I let me cheek graze against his just barely.

    I really appreciate that he is taking his (sweet) time and not rushing forward in that area. My main complaint abouts at guys is that they move too fast toward that. Once they decide they like me, they set the clock and then it’s Project GIT (get in pants) as fast as possible. Like the faster the better. Like they might win a medal or something.

    The thing is, I am not the Olympics. Lol. No. In my “games” the slowest, or at least the slower man wins. The man who chooses MY pace and the pace that makes me feel comfortable and secure is the one who intimately gets the “gold.” It’s not just the performance, and I think that is where most men make the mistake of thinking they can “win” that way. Maybe with some, but for me it doesn’t work that way…

  96.  #97Tereana on February 19, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Of course, S is surprising in some ways.

    You know, everyone shows love in different ways. If S wants to ‘make love’ to me, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t like me otherwise.

    Case in point: I just had an interesting exchange with him today. My bday is coming up in a couple of months and he asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanted to feel special.

    I was half expecting him to respond with something overtly sexy, but then he said “you are special.”

    I mean, I don’t really think it’s necessary to unpack that for meaning. He thinks I am special. And you know what? That feels good. I feel really glowy about that.

    I could see myself being happy with him (maybe). But… I always keep in mind he is not really a “relationship” guy. M obviously is. He cares about the relationship first, before the physical, which is, in my relationship book, the exact right order it should go in.

    Of course, there is a lot of uncertainty there. What if I like him a lot, but “physically” it doesn’t work for me? Then I’ll be sad, because how I feel physically is directly integrated to how I feel emotionally. Of course, I am choosing not to worry about it right now.

    That is fear-based reasoning, and I know there is no need to be afraid of any of that. If he truly wants to please me, then I can just be there and see how it goes and continue to get to know him. I am thoroughly enjoying not rushing it. As far as I am concerned, the longer it takes the better. I am glad he is taking his time…

  97.  #98prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 11:48 am

    Thanks to everyone for the feedback. However, H and I are in a committed relationship. That was established a long time ago during a conversation with him. Neither one of us is interested in dating anyone else. So that much has been established. I’ve talked to Dominique about this privately also and she agrees it is committed from what was said. So Circular Dating other men is not an option. I do however circular date the world. Maybe I’m just not able to express clearly what I’m trying to figure out.

  98.  #99Cris on February 19, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Andrea 95… so well said… all the best for you! bravo!

  99.  #100Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    prplpsn – I feel curious. Does that mean that Dominique suggested to you that CDating is not an option? Or that you don’t CDate when in committed relationship regardless of what is happening?

  100.  #101Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Oh Sirens… Definitely some mental clarity this afternoon. It’s just too soon for me to be thinking about a relationship with someone new. Piano man was an excellent distraction after Sweetheart, and maybe that was all he was supposed to be, that there are other awesome guys out there for me…. But if not hearing from him for a few days can get me this worried and stressed…. I’m just not ready. If I keep trying to meet new men to distract me from the old ones, this is just going to keep happening. I really do like piano man… A lot. But I know my stress and pain has shown through. I don’t feel myself yet. I’m taking the next few weeks to re-center and heal. I need to find my center.

  101.  #102prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    CDing other men is not an option in a committed relationship. CDing myself and the world around me…yes.

  102.  #103kyla on February 19, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Purple the only speech i would be giving him is I feel unhappy with the way things are and I want to explore my other options now.. if that’s not authentic for you then it won’t help.

    Why are you there? He doesn’t sound committed to you at all, exclusive maybe but where is the committment? It sounds like you are settling for crumbs and giving yourself up for the hope of “maybe someday”. I feel sad.

  103.  #104kyla on February 19, 2014 at 12:26 pm


  104.  #105Liquid Light on February 19, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    I got some new heels today but they sent the wrong color. Even so, they sure are cute! I feel like I’m getting a little carried away with all the new clothes and shoes but its FUN!!! Wondering if its just filling up a vacuum though. I do love looking as good as I can when I go out and putting together outfits that I love. Someday I’ll find someone who can step up and appreciate that. Its amazing to me but just finding a man to say hey you look great when i’m all dolled up is rare! I mean don’t they know how much that simple thing is appreciated??? Sometimes, I wish all these clueless men would enroll in Dating 101 and we’d all be so much happier – they’d have better results and we would too. Sigh.

  105.  #106Dominique on February 19, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Purple- as we have talked about, circular dating is an option, just not one you want to explore for you right now which is why you’re circular dating the world for now.

    I want to be clear that I haven’t suggested not to CD.


  106.  #107Shannon on February 19, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    purple, maybe be honest and direct, and don’t try to decide how it will make him feel.

    “This weekend, I felt isolated and unwanted. I want to feel loved and included. What do you think?”

    Don’t get stuck on whether that’ll sound blaming to him. That’s the truth, short and sweet and to the point.

  107.  #108Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Thanks for the reminder Shannon….. crashing boats sounds awesome!

    I feel really in the soup now, after realizing it’s just too soon. I seriously jumped in so quickly with Piano Man to avoid dealing with other feelings. It was easy, he is cute and sweet and fun…. but not calling. It’s hard not to take that personally. I just wanted to enjoy that new relationship and the excitement of it, and sweep the rest under the carpet. Now I have to heal with sad feelings about Sweetheart and Piano Man.

    Mr. Conversation and Pen pal are texting me. I appreciate them checking in and being present for me. I feel kinda alone.

  108.  #109Liquid Light on February 19, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Turquoise, I would be prepared for when he does show up again and be an invitation. I def wouldn’t write him off so quickly and assume he has disappeared forever. Just my 2 cents.

    Hugs to you girl!

  109.  #110April Rose on February 19, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    This just hit me

    “The days of calling being loved by a good man “settling” just because he doesn’t fit your “mental picture” of what you want in a man…are OVER.”

    Fact: I am loved. By a man. I don’t want to be the judge of whether he is ‘good’.

    Can I in any way call it settling, if he loves me and expresses that in his way?

  110.  #111April Rose on February 19, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    What I want in a man isn’t a ‘mental picture’.

    It’s a sensual experience.

  111.  #112April Rose on February 19, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    I want a sensual relationship and I want a sensual career and I want to feel magical in both. I want to feel beautiful in both. I want to be surprised.

  112.  #113prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Thanks Shannon #107.

  113.  #114prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Dominique #106. I am clear on that. It was just decided that it wasn’t an option for me because of the exclusivity and commitment that you felt was there due to the conversation between me and H. I appologize for mentioning your name. I do thank you and always appreciate your help.

  114.  #115April Rose on February 19, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    ” I also need to come up with a good script to try and get to the bottom of how he sees this relationship and where he sees things for the future.”

    Please can I ask you, before you find out how he sees the the relationship and the future of it, how do YOU answer this question.
    If you can answer truthfully your heart’s deepest desire first, and THEN ask him his, you’ll see if the two visions match up.

    If they do, great.

    You have more chance of inspiring his clarity and direction if you get into the details of your own desires first. Just between you and you. 🙂

  115.  #116Liquid Light on February 19, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    Cupcake 59 OMG – Cupcake City, love it!!!!!

  116.  #117Dominique on February 19, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Purple – please feel free to mention my name anytime. It’s perfectly fine. I felt a little concerned that what we’ve talked about in private is maybe being misinterpreted here which is why I felt a need to clarify.I understand you feel clear on this.


  117.  #118LoveAlways on February 19, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Awwwww FW thank you! I feel bubbly knowing you felt the art; that is what I was trying to do, share that feeling !!

  118.  #119LoveAlways on February 19, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Trying to catch up on the blog. I’m so behind

  119.  #120LoveAlways on February 19, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Okay, Turquoise, please allow me to live vicariously through you. Oh the attention you are getting, the dates sound so fun, and the CDs really nice guys. Do they gaze at you and smile? Don’t worry about not hearing from
    Him, he is thinking of you. I have been CDing but no dates as of late. It just feels nice to read about how secure and together and expressive you are. You are no way a newbie siren! My only suggestion is to drop your thoughts a bit more and get deep into your feelings to explore what is being triggered here. But take a second to see that these men adore you, and enjoy that. This is what I see from your posts, you are adored

  120.  #121Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Thanks Liquid Light… I thought about that too… And can you please give me a suggestion of how to he an invitation when I hear from him?

  121.  #122Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Thank you love always. That makes me feel really special that you are reading me that way. I do feel… Cared for, by the other men in my life. It means a lot that they are keeping tabs on me… To make sure I’m ok.
    I’m not sure what is being triggered… Just feeling like I’m never enough for someone I guess.

    In better news… I was feeling really sad, so came home and took my girls out for a wonderful dinner. We put our phones away and had such good conversation. We sang songs on the way home… And it hit me… If the worst part of my day is not hearing from a guy… I’m lucky.

  122.  #123prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    Thank you April Rose

  123.  #124prplpsn28 on February 19, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    Dominique #117 🙂

  124.  #125Turquoise on February 19, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Thanks for pointing that out to be too love always…. I have been getting a lot of attention from my guys… 2 are ex’s, 1 I never met… But they are all part of my life and they want me in theirs. That is a good feeling.

    Now, as far as gazing at me… Most contact lately has been in texts, so no. But on my dates with piano man… Wow was the eye contact awesome. He has gorgeous green eyes and we kissed a lot on our date. His singing… Extra bonus points… I’m really attracted to him. He said he hasn’t felt this way in a long time, what a good time he was having, asked if he could see me again… Which is why the silence is hard. What happened from there to here?

  125.  #126Tereana on February 19, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Hey, ladies!

    Well, you know how M hasn’t kissed me yet. Tonight he made a comment tonight that I have nice lips. I’ve heard this before, and for some reason it triggered me to shut down. I saw the texts and I just didn’t respond. When I finally did write back, I wrote about something else. Actually I got all planny and thinky. I wanted to talk about the weekend. I guess retreating to my mind is an easy escape.

    I’m still not sure why his comment triggered so much. I guess just coming out of the blue like that. Because I want to be kissed and he hasn’t…yeah, maybe that’s it. Feels like it. Hm. Yeah, in think I just figured it out…


    So, prplpsn – I didn’t see your earlier post about you relationship. But (maybe others can chime in here) the way I understand it according to Rori is that Circular Dating as a practice can include, but does not NECESSARILY mean going on actual dates with other men. I.e. circular dating does not equal cheating. But you CAN absolutely CD while in a committed relationship.

    For a single person, CDing can be lots of things. It can be taking yourself out. It can be going on dates with multiple guys. If you are already in a committed partnership that you want to stay in, then CDing can look like having a conversation with a man or woman at the coffee shop. It can be making eye contact. It can be thanking someone for holding the door.

    The point is not to “cheat” on your relationship. The point of CDing is to build confidence and get your head patterns out if their ruts. And/or to get out of your head and into your heart.

    You can figure some things out by talking to your man and using feeling messages. You can figure other things out by remembering to enjoy your entire life and by interacting with the world and different people, and just by doing this you will gain a new perspective. If this is what you call. “CDing the world.” That’s great. I would just call that “CDing.”

    : )

  126.  #127Femininewoman on February 19, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Liquid Light I just love reading your updates about your dressing up.

  127.  #128Liquid Light on February 19, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    Turquoise, there are probably other sirens here that can elaborate on this better than I but to me being an invitation means being open, soft, and warm with a tender heart. Its *not* being guarded, closed off and resentful because you haven’t heard from him or because of x,y,z. The ladder is exactly what I used to do pre-Rori 😉

  128.  #129Liquid Light on February 19, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Thanks FW!!! 🙂

  129.  #130Millie on February 19, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    @Shannon 64–

    Thank you, I felt better reading your strong and wise words. I was super triggered by the notion that men find women who respond to them, to have something wrong with them. I know those aren’t FWoman’s words….they were from a man…which hurts all the more. I’ve heard so much from men that “it’s about the chase.” I DO feel like something is wrong with me….that I must give off some weird smell that sends men running, (even ones I don’t do a lick of chasing for) and after reading that comment, I think maybe men sense that no other man wants me….they have no competition..I am easy because I’m alone. And that is it…..and that makes me terribly terribly sad.

    I know that Rori’s teachings teach how to cultivate high value even when you are alone and no man is around, but you are right…..very right…..I don’t feel like a prize. I just don’t. Sure I’ve accomplished a lot, but when you tear all my accomplishments and passions away…I feel like that is the point men aren’t interested….underneath it all…oh there’s not much there..bye. That could be my nasty voice…

    I’ve been reading Rori and participating in the blog for about three years. I have changed a lot, but I see a pattern of rising and falling. I will change my mentality and it will feel better for awhile, but one little comment or rejection can tear it all down and bring me back to my old self. Mentality isn’t the same as reality…and no matter how much I tell myself certain things….I don’t necessarily see it as truth.

    Sometimes I feel like I have split personalities….the weak, lonely child reaching out, and the strong, woman that can do anything she sets her mind to and achieves.

    Thank you for your advice, I feel in a slump right now, but I’m sure it will pass.

  130.  #131Millie on February 20, 2014 at 12:57 am

    Back the mirror theory…
    Mechanic makes me feel not good enough. I think it’s safe to say that I don’t feel like I’m good enough, so I am attracted to men who also make me feel that way.

  131.  #132Femininewoman on February 20, 2014 at 2:17 am

    Turquoise I saw a response from Rori to a woman on another thread where she said you never ever text him unless you RESPOND to his text.

  132.  #133LoveAlways on February 20, 2014 at 4:24 am

    Turquoise, he is man-caving. Men say one thing and then rubberband away. Don’t focus on him, but instead, shift that focus to you. He does not get to enjoy you unless he reached out, and he clearly does enjoy you – don’t read too much into the silence. YOU are the special delight! You are the yummy surprise! Sink into that rather than focusing on his silence. This way, you’ll be a cool-vibed, warm flowing juicy succulent woman when he rubberbands back, and he’ll be ready for round two!!! Oh, and no more leaning forward 🙂

  133.  #134Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Thank you FW and Love Always. I forgot about the rubber banding…. Sigh, dating a secretly gay man off and on for the last year and a half…. Totally different!!

    I started my day by posting a gorgeous sunrise picture and putting a roast in the crockpot for dinner. Laundry done…. Getting ready for work, today is going to be a great day!! 🙂

  134.  #135Turquoise on February 20, 2014 at 7:37 am

    There is a new post

  135.  #136Lisa on February 20, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Hello Siren’s been off for about a week….

    lots going on in my life… mostly all amazing…

    “J” and I have seen each other 2 of the weekend days since we first went out….

    I’ve wanted to pinch myself at times and still have a hard time believing though still very early on…. not yet a month…

    No sex yet… no 2nd base… and lots and lots and lots of talking…

    he calls me several nights a week and we end up talking for hours….

    I have very little in concerns with him…. but you know again, still early on…. flags might come up…

    he has already stirred up many core beliefs to look at… that in itself is priceless….

    our intellectual minds seem to really flow together… I’m sapiosexual so that is such a turn on….

    My triggers with him have been mild… and talking with him is easy… safe…

    I had a circle date come back in MR….

    I’m feeling so confident that really I have NO attachment to whether it works with “J” or not…

    He has half jokingly as me to elope twice… he admitted it was half serious, half joking…

    for all I know he could be just playing me… I dunno….not that I’m focusing in it or looking for it, or even feeling he is… I’m just saying that I’m leaving the future open to unfold as it is really.. and he could be totally serious!!! about me!!!

    I’ll know in time with his actions…. but I have to say finding a man that has a secure attachment feels really amazing…

    if it doesn’t work with “J” I’m excited b/c that will mean that someone more amazing will come in…. hard for me to imagine that now…..

    I’m doing the work on all the beliefs I’m finding…feels great!

    one of which is I don’t want to be hurt again! big one….

    sending love to all of you, I’ll try and catch up soon…


  136.  #137Veronica on February 20, 2014 at 8:52 am

    The comment that was posted here about men saying that there must be something wrong if a beautiful woman doesn’t have man:

    I find it quite hilarious. When I read that, amongst other things, I sense an anxiety on the part of the men “I don’t know how to be with a Siren by myself, I don’t know what to do. If there were a guy around I could get a better sense of how I would approach and get to know this Siren in such a way that I am a romantic possibility”.

  137.  #138Veronica on February 20, 2014 at 8:52 am

    *have a man

  138.  #139Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Millie- I’m so sorry you’re feeling low right now. I want you to know though that you might feel as though you’re going backwards, you haven’t. It’s impossible really, for once on this path, there is no going back. The key piece here is your awareness. You might stumble, trip, fall even. And you might feel good, and you might feel not so good. This is part of life, and this is part of healing. All of this being a life long journey which is really rather wonderful, as messy as it might feel sometimes. I have an article about this which I will look for when I get back if you wish. Please let me know.

    Much love to you.


  139.  #140Liquid Light on February 20, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Lisa, that sounds great! Happy for you!!!

  140.  #141Indigo on February 20, 2014 at 11:00 am


    Have you tried a tool called Being your own best friend?

    That means you love yourself no matter what. Even when you are hard on yourself. Even the nasty voices. And you treat yourself as you would your best friend. You are gentle and kind to yourself No Matter What.

    It is a fact that there is nothing wrong with you. It is a fact that you are fantastic. You just need to own it as the truth. And love (even smile at) every messy part of this journey.

    There isn’t something in the way you smell. These guys should BE so lucky to be near you.

  141.  #142prplpsn28 on February 20, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I think someone said there was a new post up. I’m not seeing one tho. ??

  142.  #143Lisa on February 20, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    @Liquid Light <3 Thanks! <3

    I have a huge question! That has baffled me every since I've started the tools….

    I read a post that came through today, on an old post from Rori…

    and Rori told this woman to never text a man unless he asks you a question, and she stated that she never texts her husband…

    OK… so here I go again with confusion… the past 4 men I've been involved with ALL said the s ame thing they don't feel good about me not responding to their texts… they all said that the least I can do is acknowledge that they sent a sweet sentiment to me… Like recently " J " sent me a cute text saying Let's just Elope….

    he said it makes me feel so good to know that you appreciate my texts and I really would like for you to text me sometimes at least to let me know you got my texts and to let me know your thinking of me…

    I think he texts me about 5 times to my one… and sometimes I respond more at times…

    This is all so confusing!!!!…. I have a communicative man that listens to me and responds well to my feelings and feeling messages… I really feel like if I just don't respond to his texts… he will feel unwanted … undesired… ( like he said before).

    He is a very evolved man… who has worked on himself…. maybe that is the difference, I don't know…

    any thoughts???


  143.  #144Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Liquid Light, remember that Rori also says that if a man asks you to do something, do it.

    If he has asked that you respond to his loving texts, I would do it. That seems like a pretty direct request to me. Just make sure that you lean way back in other ways.

  144.  #145Shannon on February 20, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Oops, that was to Lisa. I read the first line of the message instead of the ‘posted by’ line, lol.

  145.  #146Dominique on February 20, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Lisa – I think what the confusion might be here is that for the most part, you don’t want to be initiating texts, calls,and so on, yet you do want to be responding when he reaches out for the reasons he cited. It’s a form of appreciation as well as an encouragement for more of this.

    Does this make better sense?


  146.  #147Lisa on February 20, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    @Dominique Yes!!! Thanks! So I’m doing it right. <3

    @Shannon Thanks! <3


  147.  #148psychiclibra on February 20, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    I am a 57 year old woman with no children and have been married twice both ten+years. I have raised another man’s child and spent way too much energy in my younger years trying so hard to be the best superwoman ever. I am new to Rori Rae but have been working on myself for 30 years and yes I am a work in progress and will never be done. I have been an actress (among other artistic things) and actually love the “girl talk” and find it really freeing and I love trying it out. I am in a relationship with a man now for about a year( he is 61) and I do NOT want to be married or see him more than 2x a week. We have amazing sex and I am being heavily courted. Because I am in a midlife transition of reinventing myself I do NOT want more ! Instead of saying I am in a midlife crisis, I prefer to call this phase a midlife rebirth ! He is hinting about marriage etc. I am a having a blast,I am treated like a queen and am not interested in marriage ! My last husband got property and money that was mine, and was kind of a sick Bernie Madoff type. I could not be married again unless the man had way more $$$ than me, and even then WHY ? Also I have experience with trauma and abusive relationships and have my own story about coming through all this. I am all about exploring my creative new ways of expressing myself in the world and need lots of time for ME now. It really pisses him off. He is sweet and attentive and is mad because he can’t own me. Its kind of cute to see a guy so moody ! I am writing because I am feeling kind of BAD and alone in this phase-but I really like my freedom. I do not want to date anyone else. He kind of complains that we should be living together at this point. I don’t want it. I am feeling badly because NOTHING in this program seems to address women in middle-later age and what is appropriate for the older set. I should probably become a coach for this type of woman- as I do like to teach what I need to learn. Perhaps that is my new life’s purpose. Thanks !

  148.  #149Millie on February 20, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    Dominique–thank you, and of course I love to read your work…it is always insightful!

    Indigo–thank you also…
    Yes I have tried this tool, it does work!! but I find that as good as I am about being my own best friend, I am equally as good as being my own worst enemy….it’s something I have to break, but as an artist, maybe I’ve grown up feeling comforted by criticism in a sick way. As an artist, we are never good enough, and that keeps us growing….If something was good enough…well that would feel weird.

  149.  #150Diva on February 21, 2014 at 12:43 pm


    I have recently started circular dating and am in dire need of some practical advice…

    I am trying to meet as many men as possible, even the ones who don’t particularly make my heart skip a beat. But sometimes I come across men who are not exactly creepy but somehow I feel reluctant going on a second date with them. It feels as if I will be raising their hopes of intimacy with me when I am not only “not interested” in them, but also a little turned off by them (either because they fished for compliment in ways you can’t call charming or gave me an impression that they are depending on me for their self worth or simply because the way they carry themselves gives me an impression that they don’t consider themselves important).

    I seek advice on two fronts. One, should I continue accepting dates from them even though I feel terrible in their company and if not then how do I say no in a way that keeps his self respect intact.

    Just want to mention that I am somehow attracting these kind of men a lot. Have barely had date with a “normal” guy… Never mind that he was boring.

    Look forward to hearing from you all….

  150.  #151Rori Raye on February 21, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    psychiclibra – you are AWESOME!!! Welcome! Love, Rori

  151.  #152Rori Raye on February 21, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Diva, Welcome – and you just need practice. If you haven’t worked with the Tools in the ebook yet – start that now… and, if you’d like some personal help – try out my Certified Coaches – they’ll get you squared away in no time! Love, Rori

  152.  #153Liquid Light on February 21, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    Diva, If it makes you feel terrible as you stated to go out with these types of men, I definitely wouldn’t do it. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings, they can handle it. Us women are way too worried about hurting a man’s feelings IMHO.

    I’m in the same boat as you, I keep meeting men that turn me off and don’t know how to treat a woman well. And some are downright rude. I feel awful around these men. I just can’t spend time with someone like that and why should I? There are so many men out there and life is too short to waste a second on a man that makes me feel awful to be around. Just my 2 cents.

  153.  #154Dominique on February 21, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    Psychic libra – this way of BEing is just as useful at a younger age as at a more mature one. There are readers of all ages here, and though I work with women of all ages, most of my clients are over forty.

    Please feel free to ask any questions or seek clarification on your unique situation.


  154.  #155RileyTheOwl on February 21, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Hello Sirens 🙂
    My post is going to be long, but the important part is the last bit so if you are pressed for time just skip to the bottom 🙂

    I’ve been reading Rori’s blog for a while, but this is the first time I’ve commented, and it is because I need some help. I look up to all you wonderful sirens and I would love some advice on my situation 🙂

    First of all, here is some background to my story. I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for over a year… the man I’m with fell even more deeply in love with me about four months into our relationship when I discovered Rori and all her tools, which were a blessing. They have changed me 🙂 but I’m feeling concerned. I wasn’t as in touch with my feelings when I first started dating him as I am now, and because of this, I feel like I attracted and committed to the wrong kind of man. He is sweet to me, and in love with me… and he shows it in his own way… BUT, he is the kind of man that, as Rori would say, wants to be “kept”. He isn’t very confident or manly, and he doesn’t feel good when I “up” my status, or put myself first. I won’t go into detail expressing and describing the countless times this has happened, because there are too many.

    There are so many other men in my life who have expressed interest in me, and I feel so full of confidence and self love… being with my man makes me feel completely drained, because he wants me to “row the relationship boat”. I feel almost trapped by him in this way, and it doesn’t feel fair.

    I have come to the conclusion that I am going to end things with him. What do you sirens think of this? I’m feeling quite sure that this is the way to go, to free myself of him so I can fully live and experience attraction and love and REAL dating (circular dating!).

    I need your advice on how to do this though… he is really deeply in love with me and I simply don’t have feelings for him, and I DON’T want to break his heart.
    How do I end things using “girl speak”… what are suggestions of things to say? I really feel like I need help and support with this because I’ve never ended things with a man before.

    Thank you so much 🙂

  155.  #156Dive on February 21, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you Rori. Could you please guide me on what I have to do get personal advice from your certified coaches?

  156.  #157Dive on February 21, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Hey Liquid Light,

    My problem is not that these men are rude to me but that they seek me out in a very needy way. It’s as if the waterwheel is flowing away from me instead of towards me despite the fact that they are offering me coffee dates and are eager to be in touch with me.

    I am not sure if I make sense but i feel that if I allow them in my life they will hijack it. I feel numb and bored around them. And sometimes i get angry and want to yell at them that they don’t deserve me. Despite telling mysel millions of times that I have to see them as free therapy, my gut says that I am wasting time and more importantly falling into a downward spiral because I feel so sad after meeting them.

    Don’t know if I am not practicing the tools in the right way or these men are simply not worth my time.

  157.  #158Indigo on February 23, 2014 at 4:55 am


    There is a way to break up with a guy gently, and to honour both you and him.

    You express your feelings, though personally I wouldn’t go into too much detail, nor tell him things he doesn’t necessarily need to know.

    You could say how lovely you think he is, and express appreciation for your time together, yet that you don’t think the relationship is right for you. This is really such a personal thing, and you will have your own reasons, so best to use your own, from-the-heart words.

    I have found that if you are gentle and kind about the break-up, yet clear, and make it all about you and what you need, most men can respect this and you can come away from the situation with minimal hurt caused.


  158.  #159Shannon on February 23, 2014 at 5:54 am

    A new Shannon has shown up, so soon I’ll change my nick to Shannon P. But my Shannon P. posts are in moderation, so going back to “shannon” for the time being until Shannon P. is authorized.
    Riley, I am going to disagree with Indigo. Not entirely, but to some degree.

    You can do it gently and with feeling messages. You can even make it about how you feel and what you want. I do think that’s the right thing to do.

    But honestly, I think you’re going to have major problems with this guy. He has a lot invested in you, emotionally and probably even in his self-esteem and his lifestyle.

    So my suggestion is that you focus less on how to break up with him nicely, and more on focusing on ensuring that he understands it’s over. If you leave any lingering hope for him, chances are that he’ll stalk you (and he may anyway).

    I’ve dated these types before, they fancy themselves “the nice guy” and when they get dumped, they stalk in a non-violent way. They go from entangled and needy to obsessed in a desperate, pleading kind of way. He likely won’t harm you, he’ll probably just beg you. Constantly.

    So you need to make the point to him that, even if he changed, it’s over. There is no way at all that it will happen, and you don’t want to be contacted anymore.

    Do not offer to be friends. It will only drag on his obsession.

    BUT, that’s my experience and viewpoint of this type of man talking. It’s not set in stone, but I WOULD make sure he understands that (for both of your sakes), this is a total break. No contact. That may feel very final, but that is the point.

    You can NOT possibly NOT break his heart. His heart will be broken no matter what you do. And sometimes we women let kindness leave lingering hope, and that unintentionally strings the guy along. That is something you want to be certain to steer clear of with a guy like this.

  159.  #160Zia on February 23, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Just popping in to say I’m still very happy 🙂 I am continuing to be open and vulnerable, hide nothing, and it’s SCARY, but that fear subsides when he accepts me (and likes me!) for who I am, open as I am. Wow. What a difference a year makes!

  160.  #161Dominique on February 23, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    You’re awesome Zia, yay!!!


  161.  #162Lynne on February 24, 2014 at 1:28 am

    Something to think about. Very inspiring and straight from the heart. Thanks for the share.

  162.  #163Femininewoman on February 24, 2014 at 1:54 am

    Riley I feel good about what Indigo suggested. I also do believe that you said it very well how you feel in this relationship “my man makes me feel completely drained. I feel almost trapped.” is what I would share with him telling him I don’t feel it is a match after spending so much time together to give things a change to work. Let him know you don’t want to feel that way with him and after so much time there has been no change so you think its best to end things. In your comments I sense a kinda “looking for greener grass” somewhere else which might leak out when talking to him so I would encourage you to really spend some time with you to become clear on what you want. Also if he gets the sense that you are dumping him for a better man, any human being would feel hurt. While that might not be your problem I don’t believe dismissing other people’s feelings will be helpful to you. So you want to do it in a way that honors your heart without shaming him.

  163.  #164RileyTheOwl on February 24, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Thank you Feminine Woman,
    I know there is a new post up but I feel as though I want to respond directly on here.
    I’m finally loving myself, cherishing myself, and I feel like a goddess… but he doesn’t see it… so he is not the right man for me anymore. I’m feeling bored by him. feel like I’m gold letting my light finally shine through, and I feel like he doesn’t want my light… it feels unsatisfying. I feel like I’m about to spread my wings and fly off into the sun, because it’s warm there, and bright and happy, where he doesn’t hold me down, and I can let my light shine through.

  164.  #165T.Bradley on February 26, 2014 at 5:30 am

    We had a small convo and I got busy for a while so I stopped posting. Anyway the guy that stopped talking to me cold turkey because of his ex called the beginning of february telling me how much he miss me and asked if I would give him another chance. I told him no not right now but deep down inside I wanted to say yes! Im talking with other guys but I cant get into them like I am into this guy E. He is still waiting to see if his ex is going to take him back at lest I think so. We do have a sexually relationship and we both still have feelings but he try not to show his. I feel stuck and need some advice on what to do.

  165.  #166Lexie on February 27, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Hello again 🙂

    I just want to say I love you Rori. What you
    do is wonderful. Thank you so much 🙂

    Lots of appreciation and love,