Why Is My Ex Showing Up Everywhere?

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Andrea is suffering with the fact that her ex seems to be showing up everywhere in her life – just as she’s trying to make huge changes… (here’s the whole series of comments, back and forth, from Andrea and JP)->

“Rori, I feel like there is a force trying to connect us. For example, I am looking for a new place to live. I took a new job where I now have an awful commute. If I don’t move I will be burned out by the commute. I want to move closer to the city so that I can meet new people and change jobs should I chose to. I don’t know the area well. I do know that by ex works somewhere in the 25-50 mile radius. Based on the information he had provided when we were together I put two and two together today.

I went to look at some places today. I finally found a place I liked but before I got there I put the pieces together and I am 99% sure that the place I like is less than a half mile from his work site. Most of his job is outdoors and its fairly probable that he would see me and he would see me possibley on a daily basis. So I had to think, do I give up this place that I love so that I’m not sick to my stomach everyday and so that he doesn’t think I’m stalking him or do I take it.

Its really not fair. I feel like I can’t get away from him. I want to be in this area but it reminds me of him without having any memories together with him. I feel like I’m doing more living but feel that something is drawing us together or is connecting us. I wish I knew.

There was yet another small reminder on the tv this morning. Another small coincidence. Too insignificant for others to understand but another painful reminder the minute I wake and turn on the TV.

I’m trying to let go, yet these reminders make it hard to forget. It is painful. It’s confusing. It’s holding me back when I was progressing forward.

I believe that something bigger is creating these connections but I don’t understand what it’s all for. I’d like to believe that it has meaning; that it’s for my good, but I don’t know how to turn it to my good. I’m hoping Rori can help me with that.

Its frustrating to think that my energy could be going out to him like this and creating these experiences. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to believe that, but the thought has come across my mind. I want to believe that its all for my good and that there is a meaning and a purpose. However because I don’t understand it, it’s painful. I hope to understand it soon. Andrea”

And here’s my answer:

Andrea, This is always how it goes.  I can tell you so many stories – my own and my clients’ –  your mouth will fall open.  I can tell you about a man I’d left after 7 years of constant emotional and physical rejection who I then ran into for 3 consecutive days – in places neither he nor I had ever been before.

I come from a life in the Entertainment industry – where you are always seeing your exes – over and over again – sometimes you’re in the same band, sometimes on the same show, sometimes in the same play – always at the same audition.  And it always seems “on purpose.”

I can tell you the story of one commercial audition I went to when I was an actress, when, after hundreds of auditionees, it came down to 4 of us, two men and two women to play husband and wife – and one of the men had dumped me (after a passionate 2 months) just the week before.

I was paired with him in the audition and had to perform to get this huge commercial – even though I was feeling so many things I could barely stand up, much less talk and be perky and funny. The producer loved me so much, he could see the distress on my face – he asked me what was wrong and I told him the truth, and he hired the guy who was NOT my ex (even though that guy was way too tall for me).

Things happen.

Here’s the attitude I believe:

This is the way it’s supposed to happen.  It’s happening because this is how it’s going to get you healed the fastest.  I don’t know how it’s going to work – but this is how it works.

Instead of judging that you are doing something WRONG that’s keeping this guy connected to you – try to find a POSITIVE spin on the whole thing.  What if HE’S feeling so connected to you – perhaps because YOU’RE so WONDERFUL! – that it’s pulling you in?  What if you just have a lot to still learn here?  What if he’s meant to be your MUSE in some way?

No one said this kind of thing is without pain.  The pain is yours to work with and go through – and in a way – to experience the PROFOUNDNESS of this kind of pain.  You are clearly very sensitive.  And this is a marvelous thing.

You are an artist – the artist of your life. You want to go deeper and wider and expand in ways you’ve likely not even thought about. Just see this through, following your intuition and your feelings, and walk into the unknown of this job and this move, and why this “ex” is still in your physical space.

Let’s just see what happens.  Instead of fighting it – see if you can find the signs that will move you in different emotional and physical directions.

In moving to this CITY – you will find TONS of men – and your ex will just fade into one of them (this is how most of us live our lives, surrounded in some ways by our exes).  Perhaps this is a GREAT thing!  You have no way of knowing from here.

When you meet an new, incredible man, this man you are suffering over now will be part of the tapestry of your life.

Perhaps you’ll meet someone or get an incredible job offer that will take you to ANOTHER city. Don’t judge by the pain.  Judge by how things feel as you go along, and don’t worry about making a weird step.  You can adjust as you go along.

It’s all an experiment.  Just keep moving forward for yourself.  Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back from taking care of yourself and getting your dreams fulfilled.  Perhaps this is all about not letting anything OLD stand in your way!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1JP on November 12, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    That’s it exactly, Rori – and what a relief it is, in my own experience, to LET GO and stop interpreting, second-guessing and working out what I’m supposed to be doing, or if what I’m doing is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. How much more profound, as you say, it is to experience all the deep and painful feelings, the moments of joy even, and trust ourselves to move forward, sideways, do the conga, whatever 🙂 In this way, my breakup last year was different from any other – a glorious experiment, an acceptance that I was in pain, and the power of making each moment better for ME.

    As I said in an earlier post, I ended up having a great time! And this made the stakes SO much higher in my next relationship, and helped me relax a lot more.

    I love your ‘Paint Yourself’ tool – It’s perfect for me. I’ve used it already when I was feeling tense and I felt pretty koochy pretty quickly – and my man responded too. Hi five!!

  2.  #2Daria on November 13, 2008 at 1:40 am

    OMG – Yes I LOVE Paint Yourself — it is sooo touching… i am building it into my everyday routines… and I have started to paint myself with invisbile fingers on the areas of myself that feel tense inside…. it makes me feel so honored and good… I know this is going to be a breakthrough tool for me… I will let you know how it helps me progress…

    I also how loved how you addressed the issue of almost getting there with a man but having something keeping him away…this is definitely how I feel about certain men in my life…

    this one guy actually called me today… he wanted a recommendation on sushi but he did call… which was a little weird… i did do a feeling message… but then wound up giving the recommendation… anyways I am digressing… I feel a little sad and a little weird after his call… I am wondering if he is wanting to have sushi with another woman… anyway the calmness I feel about this is amazing compared to a few months ago.

    The point is… I think paint myself is going to “take me there”

  3.  #3maya on November 13, 2008 at 2:35 am

    This post is great Rori, for first time I am feeling well after a breakup and it’s mostly because of your programs and words.
    It is amazing how our mind can change when we realize it’s all about ‘ME’ and how I ‘FEEL’ and how to cope with my FEELINGS.
    You see, he wanted to stay friends -something I agreed when we dated before- but this time I just felt like I don’t need him around.
    Every day that pass and I know nothing about him I feel much better, and I am so concentrated on myself and my own feelings that I will go now and paint myself and the whole world!
    love to you.

  4.  #4Reshi on November 13, 2008 at 9:34 am

    That Paint Yourself tool really is something, isn’t it? I was just thinking what would happen if my husband were to walk into his bedroom and I was there naked painting myself and not paying attention to him. I haven’t actually done it because I don’t think I CAN yet, I still get all hooked up into what he might be feeling and what he’s doing, and find it challenging to focus on myself when he’s around. Getting better though, baby steps. Last night we stayed up late playing Rock Band and talking…I told him about my disappointing lunch date/lack thereof, I felt his energy coming towards me just a little bit…but certainly more than it has been recently. Something’s always just “off” with the energy between him and me, it feels like I’m TRYING to lean back but really leaning forward on the inside…and last night wasn’t like that, it just felt easy and natural and I was very grounded within myself. That’s a start, I suppose.

  5.  #5Daria on November 13, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Reshi… one thing about paint yourself is that you can do it so tiny that no one will see it. You can spend 10 minutes just painting one strand of your hair! I also do it with my imagination, I imagine painting inside of myself… the only thing that is difficult is that I bump against getting distracted… and mostly that is because I feel unworthy to be painted… that is GOOD. I can tell it is working as it should because I feel this unworthiness… and yet it starts melting when I do try to paint it.

  6.  #6Reshi on November 13, 2008 at 9:12 pm

    Daria, thanks for that tip, I was sitting in a meeting at work today and started painting my hand…my god, it was HOT, I couldn’t believe how turned on I got…and no one noticed a thing!

  7.  #7Santabanta on January 7, 2013 at 4:49 am

    You see, he wanted to stay friends -something I agreed when we dated before- but this time I just felt like I don’t need him around.
    Every day that pass and I know nothing about him I feel much better, and I am so concentrated on myself and my own feelings that I will go now and paint myself and the whole world.