Why Letting Him Lead The Way Is Good For You…Free Teleclass With Sami Wunder and Bob Grant!

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sami wunderFrom Rori: Free Teleclass with Sami Wunder AND the man who wrote “The Woman Men Adore” – Bob Grant!

Sami’s an amazing coach, and she scored a great coup here – getting Bob Grant to do a live teleclass.

This is going to be a terrific teleclass – and free.

Because it’s set for European time, it’s early if you’re in the U.S, I know – so just SIGN UP anyway — and Sami will send you the recording. If you’re  not already a Sami Wunder fan, you will be after this…Love, Rori

From Sami:

Why Letting Him Lead The Way Is Good For You…

We all know that one woman who has it easy with men.

To us she appears like the girl next door with nothing extraordinary or outstanding about her and yet men flock her like bees flock honey.

It’s confusing and frustrating, isn’t it?

While overtime it is normal to start believing that she has something we don’t have, I want to assure you that EACH one of us has that woman within us.

And I do mean it – each and every one of us, regardless of our childhood, our past, our traumas, our looks, bodies, quirks, social status or whatever we think hinders us in love.

Not only do we all deserve the grand love we read about in the novels as little girls but we are also capable of manifesting it in our lives by unleashing and activating “that“ woman within us.

So here’s how I see it – The only difference between a woman who succeeds at love and the one who doesn’t is the “skills“ that the two possess when it comes to understanding men and relationships.

Yes, attraction is a science and keeping the attraction going is a well studied, tried and tested science.

While each man is unique, there are some ground, fundamental skills, tools and techniques that will work with almost every man and give you the results you want with him and in love.

And to show you “exactly what“ elements this entails, I decided to bring in a man to explore this with us.

It’s not just any man I am talking about here. It’s Bob Grant.

THE relationship guru, the father of relationship coaching, the man who started this whole relationship counselling business 16 years ago and the man who will join me for the first time ever for a FREE, live, online training call on 23rd January (Saturday), 8 am EST, 1pm London, 2pm Paris.

On the call with Bob we will dive in into the juicy details of a man’s mindset regarding these specific love skills. We will explore –

1)   How letting him lead the way is good for you, good for him and good for your relationship
2)   The two sure shot behaviours that make any man notice you, desire to be around you and claim you as his “one“ in the long run.
3)   Why men withdraw and what is the best way for us women to deal with it.
4)   How to manage anger in your relationship.
5)   The two blunder behaviours in relationships that we women accidentally make that push men away.

And here’s the JACKPOT – Talk to us live at the end of this one hour call, ask your questions and get privately coached!

You don’t want to miss this.

I am a Rori Raye certified love coach myself but I can’t wait to see “Grand love“ from a man’s perspective this time.

If you can’t make it live, make sure you sign up in order to receive the recording of the call in your inbox.

There will be a huge surprise give away for all those who turn up live for the call on the day of the event.

The details of the call will be emailed to your inbox shortly.

See you there!

Love, Sami

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  1.  #1Magnolia on January 15, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Wow! This is so exciting. I can’t wait to join.. will sure get up at 6 to go for a run and tea before I join this 🙂

  2.  #2Sami Wunder on January 15, 2016 at 7:53 am

    How awesome Magnolia 🙂 That sounds motivated. See you on the call !! Love, Sami

  3.  #3Christina A. on January 15, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Thanks for sharing this Rori! So glad to see Sami Wunder here. I love her work!

    She is so powerful and so gentle at the same time. I can’t make it to the call live because Im on PST but I would love to have the recording. Thank you.

  4.  #4Indigo on January 15, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Had a wonderful evening with M this evening, ladies!

    Barbecue at his sister’s house which went on late. M was absolutely wonderful.

    He brought me home and we kissed for the first time!

  5.  #5Femininewoman on January 15, 2016 at 7:05 pm

    Bob Grant!!!

  6.  #6Femininewoman on January 15, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Yayy Indigo

  7.  #7Indigo on January 15, 2016 at 10:49 pm

    Thank you Feminine Woman 🙂

    M asked me if I would be exclusive with him last night, and before anyone jumps on the bandwagon, it was asked so sweetly and affectionately and with no assumptiveness about it at all. He was lovely and gentle and caring, yet so masculine as well and I felt really special with him. I really feel that a man who knows what he wants would not have come into my life if I had not been prepared to say no to all the other things that were sub-par.

    Side note: I really love the dress Sami is wearing in this picture!

  8.  #8Sami Wunder on January 16, 2016 at 7:35 am

    Indigo, thank you! And so glad it’s all feeling so good for you !! Love, Sami

  9.  #9Azure Blu on January 16, 2016 at 10:20 am

    Indigo #7
    Wow!!! This all sounds soo wonderful!!!
    I feel happy hearing about your good times with M and he seems to be adoring of YOU!!!

    I feel excited to see how this blossoms!!!
    Mmmm… Yummie, just Yummmies!!

  10.  #10Indigo on January 16, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you.

    I’m seeing M tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

  11.  #11Mandy on January 16, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    Oh hey! I have Sami on my Facebook. I saw her post today of her gorgeous sunny breakfast this morning. Thank you Sirens, for your responses during my last post about my kitty. It meant a lot. 🙂

    I am feeling beaten down right now however, It’s that time of the month, and I just went through having to get the Police involved with a Photographer I used to work with who began stalking me, and just being by myself a lot since my breakup with J and him moving out. The stalking thing made me feel so scared I actually had J come stay the night in case the man came to my door again. But he was told by the Police who came to his door to stop contacting me and coming to my apartment complex office and door. Naturally I feel vulnerable as hell.

    I haven’t heard much from Valentine recently because he got laid off and had been working at getting a new job. He apologized to me yesterday about it and I told him I don’t take it personally.

    This morning, we said hi online, and I mentioned I wanted to make pancakes, and he responded, “Yum! Maybe you can make some for me sometime?” I told him I’d love to. And I continued the conversation, and it was about to be awesome, but he drifted off and stopped talking, so I was left with an unanswered question being curious about his new job.

    I know for a fact that it is not about me when he drifts off like this and doesn’t respond when typing, but I felt unusually frustrated and mad about it just then, since I’m having such a rough time, I’m on my period, have been somewhat disturbed/traumatized recently, and haven’t heard much from him.

    Then, oddly enough, G, who I see tonight, called and I forgot all about it. I was like woops, that was my Little One yelping for a hug, wasn’t it? So I patted myself on the back and just came to the blog and here I am.

    Valentine, he treats me so well, he devotes writings to me, tells me I’m special, beautiful, and his Love, he daydreams of us, he feels awful when he cannot see me, and is constantly apologizing, so I don’t get the impression he means to just up and get distracted, because he does not care, it’s not that I sense. I sense he has a disability.

    He’s got serious ADHD, and I know the type, because my own Father AND Twin Brother are the same, and they have it so bad, you can call their name five times right next to their ear, loudly, and he won’t hear you until the fifth time and will actually respond with anger, like what the hell do you want, lol, because you’re being so insistent in getting his attention. My brother will also procrastinate until the very last minute, with everything. This is something I deal with myself – Often I will neglect duties by daydreaming, and even miss events with friends because I forget, get distracted or procrastinate and it has nothing to to with the friend, but it can cause some *serious* hurt feelings for the friend. I get this so well it is not even funny.

    I feel so forgiving when Valentine apologizes for being inattentive because I feel so much affection for him and I get it, I do however want to find a solution to where we can meet each other halfway as a couple of Adults with ADHD. It can be VERY tricky…listening sometimes doesn’t happen as well as it could just because it is hard for the person to do. And then the other feels unheard, etc.

    I also kind of laugh because I am not that high maintenance – it is funny to me that others will demand attention every day of the week from a man who they are not married to or life partners/fully committed with. I need like, maybe one or two dates a week, and I can be even more patient than that – I can wait a week or two even if need be, and have contact every one to three days. And contact can just be a mere Hello sometimes. My friends get pissed at me for it, lol. They get mad because I don’t see Valentine as much as they see their men, and he calls me his Love….lt makes them so mad, lol, they tell me he needs to be my boyfriend, if we tell each other we love each other because that’s a commitment, saying I love you, and I just laugh and brush it off.

    These friends of mine have no idea how I’m doing this, the CDing while seeing him at the same time. They just can’t stand it because it doesn’t fit the pattern of how society tells you dating should go…I’m not looking to make him my boyfriend. I’m only interested in just being. And just BEING, with him in my presence, feels better than any committed relationship I’ve ever been in. I’d MUCH rather a man propose than ask me to be his GF. And I’d MUCH rather be dated, pursued, wooed, romanced, even imperfectly, than be sitting right next to him every night and feel like I’m thousands of miles away from him.

    Rori speaks about this so well. She says if you are his GF you are at his MERCY. I am not at anyone’s mercy. I choose to be around people I want to be around and I choose to not be around them when I don’t want to. I speak to who I want to speak to and I don’t answer to anyone. I do not believe this makes me a bitch, I believe it raises my value as a woman.

    I mean I have at least three men in my rotation. So if I feel weird about one guy, the other sometimes will call up right that moment and make me forget about it. It’s great. It works very well when Valentine is unavailable for whatever reason. So I usually don’t have that big of an issue with it and it’s funny because he’s clueless as to why I am so patient. He says, “Not everyone would be okay with this….” I’m thinking damn, you’ve had some high-maintenance women around ordering you around haven’t you? Sheesh!

    All I really want is to know the feeling is still mutual, we want to keep seeing each other and we’re both on the same page. I can deal with that.

    Critically thinking of this and feeling what I feel, I just think of my CD tonight with G. He’s driving a two-hour drive to come make me dinner and have some time together. This dude is really pursuing me. I mean he calls me at least one or twice a day. He even says yeah see I actually call you not like your other friends, lol…

    Alrighty then. G can be very pushy. Lol. But I’ll let him give me attention tonight, lol, I won’t close down. It’s funny because I’ll probably feel funny after and lean back from Valentine authentically just because I saw another guy lol. Rori wrote an email about it and I just read it, i dunno how many times this has happened, I see another guy and feel shy of the other because of it, and then the other pursues me because I’ve created that shyness, authentically leaning back…lol.

    Okay. I’ve riffed so much it’s actually become cerebral and my mind is too full. So I digress for now…

    Happy Saturday….

  12.  #12Emerson on January 17, 2016 at 12:05 am

    Fw and azure I replied to you in another thread…thank you for your feedback. I didn’t text the new guy.

  13.  #13Dixie on January 17, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Ohhhhh… Sirens. I feel angry. And jealous. Wait. I feel anger at my jealousy. Wait, I feel angry that I am jealous. Yes that’s right.

    I don’t want to get into it right now because a large part of me is embarrassed that I even feel jealous but…..if ever there was a day to full on out-girl, this is it. I feel hot and angry and flustered. And I don’t want to care.

    So I will just embrace all these messy feelings, wear them well, and outgirl. I’m just feeling mad and confused and growly. I don’t want to care about what happens with D. and me anymore.

    Not feeling very Sireny at all. I feel like just letting all my feelings hang out.

  14.  #14Femininewoman on January 17, 2016 at 2:38 pm


  15.  #15Azure Blu on January 17, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    Love and warm hugs to you gentle Siren!!

    I have found that jealousy, she is best handled, when she is acknowledged and given the love she is looking for!! :-))
    just as you are doing!

  16.  #16Mandy on January 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm

    Turns out I’m having serious issues with the condition I deal with, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. This is where thoughts run over and over again in your head and you cannot stop it, and it takes control of a lot of your life.

    Well I’ve had a relapse. I have an Obsession about my own insecurity. I doubt everything I do. I am always uncertain about myself. I feel like if I went out and danced the other night I probably looked like a dork, I’m probably annoying everyone around me, I probably just hurt someone’s feelings without knowing it, and my Circular Dates think I’m silly, or annoying…without ANY basis in rationality or reality, and these thoughts run over and over again in my head, I have no room to think of anything else and I am literally stuck on a thought.

    So…I need to go back to therapy. Ohhhh boy. I haven’t been back for a good six years…

    But I desperately need help calming this part of me that does this. I mean I literally cannot stop thinking about these things, so badly I cannot sleep at night.

    Oooh. I could use some uplifting encouraging words Sirens, if you might oblige!

  17.  #17Indigo on January 17, 2016 at 9:12 pm


    I know that feeling… and it is the worst.

    If it is any consolation, it is absolutely, 100% part of the healing process. That much I do know. It’s a part of yourself that wants to come to the surface, be acknowledged and dealt with, and it is also a part of you that’s going to help you get over D when the time is right.

    Like Azure Blu said, love on your jealousy… it is a shadow side of us which usually feels so guilty and ashamed, and desperately wants to be reassured.


  18.  #18Zia on January 17, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Phewf, I finally have been able to catch up on the posts since Christmas. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and new year 🙂

  19.  #19Mandy on January 18, 2016 at 12:47 am

    I feel like crap. I’m so down. I feel so stressed and heartbroken after being with J, kicking him out, ending that, then living alone for the first time and then being stalked.

    The one I want comfort from, which I shouldn’t be chasing after, is feeling like crap too so he’sretreated. He’s feeling heartbroken and won’t communicate much. So as you can imagine, his misery and silence drives my insecurity if I let it. I just saw a different CD and I didn’t even feel good from it. He puts me off recently. A lot.

    I have begged my mom to help pay for the deductible for me to go back to my Therapist. I need it so badly.

    Sometimes I don’t know how I don’t just collapse from some feelings I have. Just hit the floor. I’m actually afraid to do the “Drop to my knees” tool because I injure easily due to my rare condition, and I don’t want to hurt my knees. Sometimes I kneel. But right now…

    My insides totally match my outside, at least. At least I’m feeling something immensely. I’m marinating in it.


  20.  #20Azure Blu on January 18, 2016 at 8:31 am

    Great to see you… I can’t remember…
    did you have your baby yet?

  21.  #21Dixie on January 18, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    Indigo, Azure…. thank you so much!

    I actually did just that… sank into those feelings are tried to see them for what they were, just feelings of insecurity…. and truth be told, a large part of that stems from fears of abandonment (not D.’s issue) and my own fears of being not good enough (again, not his issue). Both feelings stem from childhood, and then showed up in my marriage.

    And the video that’s up about compartmentalizing really was funny timing as well. Because as soon as I sunk into myself, watched a good suspense movie on TV. well, D. called right away to see how my day was, share details from his day, and even sent a whole set of production photos from what he was working on, just to share with me. It was really very sweet because after being here, it’s really very easy to recognize the different ways a man wants to “share”.

    Yes, Indigo, you are so right! Dealing with these feelings and loving myself through them gives me such a feeling of reassurance that I will be alright no matter what. xox.

    Second topic coming here:….

  22.  #22Dixie on January 18, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    So, this is a very funny observation:

    My dad can be a real grump. He’s 78 and very, very set in his ways. Two things happened that show me that the tools really work:

    a) My mom has been suggesting to my dad that he start walking a little bit on the indoor treadmill during the winter, but of course, as soon as the suggestion comes from her, he becomes contrary :). So I suggested to my mom that she forget about his response and walk on the treadmill herself because at least she will feel better and less stressed. So she did, for a few days. And guess who came down one day to “check on her” and then promptly got on the treadmill as well? 🙂

    2) She’s also been making smoothies for them both because otherwise he won’t eat his greens :). So she makes two every morning, but he complains about her efforts, just a real sourpuss. So I told her to stop making them for him and just make one instead. A few days later, she’s in the bathroom, and he knocks on the door and asks where HIS smoothie is!! She told him lovingly that she listened to what he had said and just made one for herself. So the next day, this happened again. Finally on day 3, he asked her how to make the smoothies because he wanted to learn how to do it as well! HAHAHA!

  23.  #23Dixie on January 18, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    I also listened to the Dr. Pat Allen link that Zara shared a few days ago (I think it was Zara anyhow!) and WOW.

    I was so happy that I listened to them! And it made me feel so secure in my desire to continue to build/ develop/enjoy the close friendship stage with D. again. In the past, I felt frustrated that our schedules were out of sync, but now I see it as a total opportunity to go slow again, and lead with my heart, not with my pheromones, lol!

  24.  #24Tee on January 18, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    #21 Dixie

    My fiancé is like that & I find it very frustrating. What tools are you speaking of?

    Not just that but even at 42, he seems to feel that his way is always better. I think on some level he is trying to help but it’s coming across as egotistical.

    Example, I keep getting an eye infection as of late. It’s healing but it’s a slow process to where I couldn’t drive him to work this morning. So he goes on & on about if I had listened to him and went to the doctor or made myself an eye patch, etc etc

    There was a mini argument but nothing more. It’s like he LIVES for these moments where he feels things work better when I listen to him….no word on him listening to me lol

    I guess he wasn’t too upset, he left me some breakfast and sunglasses.

    Another question, my fiancé keeps talking about my lack of motivation & how it affects him. Could this be what he means….as in your examples?

    He’s waiting for me to do my own thing so he’ll be inspired by it?

    Oh yeah, during the argument….he gave me something of an offhand compliment. He said I was too much of a girly girl because I just don’t wanna do anything (meaning go to the doctor, get my eye looked at again, etc)

    I tried to tell him that I still have drops from my last visit, etc.

    Uugghhh this guy lol

  25.  #25Dixie on January 18, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    Tee 23!

    When I was writing about my mom, I was referring to the general tool of leaning back, looking after ourselves, and not trying to “control” his behaviour. I know it’s hard for my mom, because that’s been the dynamic in the relationship for decades because she really does look after his health, but he sometimes is very unappreciative. So it really bothers me and seeing her make this switch, with the results she hoped for in my dad, made us both laugh!

    You wrote this ” There was a mini argument but nothing more. It’s like he LIVES for these moments where he feels things work better when I listen to him….no word on him listening to me lol”. This reminds me SO much of my dad! I started laughing because the parallel seemed so close, and my dad says these things to my mom as well sometimes. But deep down, I know after many years, that this is my dad’s way of reminding me that sometimes, he needs to “look after” me. So perhaps, although it sounds like he was trying to pick a fight with you, I wonder if there is a way to look past the delivery of the message, and focus on the message instead. Is it possible that he wanted to “help” you with his earlier suggestions?

    You wrote this: ” Another question, my fiancé keeps talking about my lack of motivation & how it affects him. Could this be what he means….as in your examples?”

    Hmmm, well I do know this from my own experiences. It really feels like a lot of pressure when one person looks to the other to fill up their happiness bucket. In my CDing with D, and even in my former marriage, the happiest times are always when I feel energized by my own hobbies, interests, passion projects, then let those happy feelings bubble over into the relationship. The not-so-great moments of dissatisfaction and recently jealousy, for me, tend to stem from times when my own self-esteem or self-awareness is low, when I feel lost in m own direction.

    Maybe he is hoping for you to find something that sparks your creativity or interest…it would be fun for you, wouldn’t it?

    He’s waiting for me to do my own thing so he’ll be inspired by it?

  26.  #26Dixie on January 18, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    Whoops – the last line in the above post was originally from Tee, not me 🙂

    But I think, “yes” – he’s hoping for you to do your own thing so you’ll be happy, and he won’t feel pressured to be “on the hook” for your happiness.

  27.  #27Zia on January 18, 2016 at 5:15 pm

    Azure – 19 – Baby is due mid march 🙂 So currently really feeling quite huge, and it’s so hot where I am, middle of summer, that I am struggling a little bit! But all good otherwise 🙂

  28.  #28Zia on January 18, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    Dixie 21 – LOVE this hahah!

  29.  #29Tee on January 18, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    #24 & #25 Dixie

    Thanks! I’m sure this has been said to me a few times. I get caught up in the delivery. It feels dismissive, patronizing & controlling although I don’t believe him to be these things at all.

    It’s as though His self esteem is wrapped up in needing to be right, needing me to trust his every word, etc

    I’d rather talk & compromise but I don’t know that he hears that. I think he hears an automatic NO/You did something wrong….whenever I say that I’d like to at least talk sheesh

    There are days when he seems more sensitive than I am.

    I’m not complaining, I just feel like I’m misreading him all over the place

  30.  #30BeLoved on January 18, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    I want to bask in my yummy feelings from today 🙂
    There is a guy at work who I know is attracted to me. I have felt really irritated by him…twice he tugged on my bra strap in passing (and once I told him I didn’t like that and don’t do it, he stopped), and a couple of weeks ago, to get my attention he poked me in the back and GRRR I did not like how that felt. I just said, “Ouch” and reflexively pulled away and cringed. It felt like “little boy tugging at mama” energy and it made my skin crawl.

    So, after that he pretty much stayed away from me.

    Today, I called him to ask him about something and next thing I know he is at my desk, on one knee, looking straight at me, listening intently. The energy I felt was DIRECT, and oh…my….I felt SO turned on. Something about it, it was so unexpected and felt so masculine, the way he did it. And…usually he smells like motor oil (because, warehouse worker) but today he smelled like sweetgrass and I asked him about it. He let me sniff him and later on I started a conversation with him about it because I am a fragrance addict 🙂

    So, that felt incredible.
    So, so so good. I want to rehearse this feeling of “direct” in my feeling meditation.


  31.  #31Azure Blu on January 18, 2016 at 11:06 pm

    Dixie #21
    Ohhh these are great examples of using the leaning back tool and taking care of our own happiness…
    And using them in an established relationship…
    and how quickly there was a turn around!!!
    Love this,
    Thank you for sharing!

  32.  #32Starla on January 19, 2016 at 7:35 am

    Tee, he’s a man. I don’t think he’s out of the norm in wanting to be the authority on something, be right, etc. I remember when I first saw you posting here, you were wondering how to get him to lead and step up more. Letting him just be the authority is a PERFECT way to jump start letting him lead.

    In general, I would do things his way when he has a suggestion or preference. I know it’s hard for us ladies to believe, but you are not impressing him with your ability to poke holes in his plan and suggest a more efficient or effective idea. Just go with what he says, praise him when it gets the job done, and when his suggestions don’t work, he will naturally decide for himself that he needs to figure out a better way to accomplish whatever it is he was addressing.

    Yes, he is VERY sensitive to this. Most men are. It’s a reflection of his whole manhood and his identity to suggest and problem solve, and when you challenge that, guess what you’re ultimately challenging;)?

  33.  #33Azure Blu on January 19, 2016 at 8:28 am

    Starla #31
    Wow just WOW!!!
    This is SO on point…

    you have written this so well!!

    YES!! this is what I have been practicing with all my Cds
    I had NO IDEA how controlling and bossy I get
    after 3 years of using the Rori Tools
    an example:

    2 months ago, when I was not exclusive with Spirit,
    I went on a 3rd date with a very nice man…
    I really enjoyed our dates… he planned ahead
    took me to some really nice places,
    Great conversation
    he was sexy…
    well that night, I took OVER…
    He had all kinds of great plans and I watched myself
    completely ignore what he had planned,
    Over road ANY ideas he had to solve logistics
    It was AWFUL!!!
    and I COULDN’T stop myself…
    That night he did ask me out again but I NEVER heard from him … I had totally outmaned him…

    Soooo now, with Spirit, I just go along with what he plans,
    I let him take over in the kitchen…. Or else he WONT want to help out and hang out with me in the kitchen
    (I LOVE to cook togetherwith my man)
    He LOVES to show me HIS way of making certain dishes, and let’s me do my way of other dishes…

    And I’ve let go of MY EGO so he can be HIS MASCULINE self!!! I’m soo glad I’m getting better
    and better about this…
    Now, When I want to tell him how to do something or how we can do things better, I just stop
    and tell myself… How important is this… REALLY???!!!
    And the result is… He IS INSPIRED TO DO MORE for ME
    HE takes Charge more…

    Starla I LOVE THIS…

    “Yes, he is VERY sensitive to this.
    Most men are. It’s a reflection of his whole manhood
    and his identity to suggest and problem solve,
    and when you challenge that,
    guess what you’re ultimately challenging;)?

  34.  #34Tee on January 19, 2016 at 8:34 am

    #31 Starla thanks for clarifying. It does make sense when you put it that way.
    Unfortunately, the way I was raised men weren’t leaders or authority figures. If there were men around, I got the impression that they were to be used & not trusted.

    Most of the relationships that I know of are headed by the woman. So I don’t purposely try to step on his toes, sometimes I just wanna know why this or that.

    Do I completely trust his judgment? No. I do believe alot of that is the fear of men that I was raised with. Fear of him taking advantage, fear of him getting us into a situation we can’t get out of, etc

    I never thought it would be so hard to allow a man to do for you but I’ve seen it in action.

    Often times when we’d visit my mother, E would offer to fix the sink or mow the lawn (For FREE as usual)…she’d say No because such & such was gonna come out (Not Free)
    The last time he didn’t bother asking, the toilet was running all night so he fixed it because he couldn’t take it anymore

    I am glad that I have such a Manly Man but I guess they’re so rare (maybe) that I wasn’t raised knowing how to identify one or how to accept one, etc

  35.  #35Starla on January 19, 2016 at 8:42 am

    “the way I was raised men weren’t leaders or authority figures. If there were men around, I got the impression that they were to be used & not trusted.”

    This! It seems most women are raised this way these days.

    Given that you show great mistrust for him in your relationship (he does xyz which means he doesn’t love me as much as he should), I don’t think it would be unfair for you to show as much trust as humanly possible with his suggestions/ideas/solutions. It is one area where you really can zip it and just show confidence and trust.

    As for fear of him taking advantage of you, you probably learned that from your mother, who probably has this narrative she tells herself and others that men took advantage of her emotionally or otherwise. It doesn’t have to be your story. I urge you to stop treating your fiance like some Joe Dingbat on the street who is out to take advantage of you. It is soul crushing and disrespecting to be on the receiving end of that.

  36.  #36Tee on January 19, 2016 at 8:46 am

    #32 Hey there Azure Blue
    You just brought up something for me.
    E loves to cook and he loves showing me HIS way of making food.

    I have to say that I haven’t been too receptive of that in the past. I felt he was being controlling. Seems like in my fear of not being controlled, I’ve become rigid.

    I have redeemed myself recently though. E saw a recipe online and he immediately ran out to get the ingredients to make it. Usually when he cooks I’m trying to keep our son out of the way. This time E insisted that I needed to keep my one good eye on him.

    (My eye is still a little blurry so he’s enjoying all the jokes he gets to make at my expense smh lol)

    He made a Meatball Sub Bake. It was pretty good. E loves to cook & eat

    Anyways, maybe I need to ask myself that too. How important is this?
    Some ego is in there as well.

  37.  #37Tee on January 19, 2016 at 8:53 am

    #34 Starla, you’re good!
    My mom is definitely a crybaby in that sense. I got the story that her marriage to my sister’s dad ended because he lied & took advantage. This was maybe 19 years ago, my sister turned 20 this past October.

    I think it was more like he lived in reality while she was still trying to live life like it’s an MTV video with money being thrown everywhere & club music lol

    Maybe it wasn’t that simple but she still acts like he’s the worst man (aside from my dad …and hers lol) that ever lived

  38.  #38Azure Blu on January 19, 2016 at 8:58 am

    You wrote:
    “I urge you to stop treating your fiance like some Joe Dingbat on the street
    who is out to take advantage of you. (and is most often WRONG)
    to be on the receiving end of that.”
    This is sooo TRUE
    *I* KNOW
    My first husband treated ME like this for 4 years
    I went out to get a coke… and NEVER went back
    BUT it took me years to recover from this…
    A form of ABUSE!!!

  39.  #39Azure Blu on January 19, 2016 at 9:02 am

    LOVELY, warm hearted, vulnerable YOU,,,
    Your writting and soul searching is
    Very inspiring for ME and shows me new and wonderful things every day!!
    Thank you!
    You are on your Horse and doing GREAT!!!
    I hope your eye is better soon!
    love and hugs

  40.  #40Tee on January 19, 2016 at 9:11 am

    Thank you Sirens ❤
    (((Starla))) (((Azure Blue)))

  41.  #41Femininewoman on January 19, 2016 at 9:23 am

    Not only ultimately challenging. One friend just yesterday expressed to me that he experiences it as disrespectful and it causes his attraction to fall off. He says when that happens he just disappears.

  42.  #42Femininewoman on January 19, 2016 at 9:25 am

    Joe Dingbat on the street 🙂

    You ladies crack me up.

  43.  #43Starla on January 19, 2016 at 9:51 am

    I recently learned for myself that men can feel when we don’t trust them in various ways, and for whatever reason it can often offend them and make them defensive (which fortifies our lack of trust in them), instead of motivating them to help us feel more trusting and safe towards them (which is what we need).

  44.  #44Tee on January 19, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    #40 FW

    Wow, my fiancé disappears on me every so often. Ok maybe disappear is too strong a word but he’ll stay out for hours and hours drinking. As you can imagine, that doesn’t help with MY issues!

    So we argue, I threatened to throw him out, etc. He goes on and on about what I’m not doing or not doing fast enough or not doing more of….he doesn’t feel ☆motivated☆ and round and round!

    This is why I asked what the freak does my lack of motivation or motivation have to do with HIS actions????

    To me, it sounded like a scared man trying to save his neck by making excuses for behavior that he knows that I don’t care for…..making Me the bad guy

    However, he has said that he’s not blaming me or finding fault with me specifically but it keeps going back to motivation

    I don’t get it & he clearly can’t explain it in a way that I will get it

  45.  #45Starla on January 19, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    Tee, men have a very hard time putting their finger on what is making them feel unhappy. The fact that he was able to identify that it has something to do with your motivation levels is amazing! I wouldn’t expect him to be able to explain further.

    My sense of it is you need to find a passion to get motivated about, get some fire going in you… I personally love belly dancing and recommend it! Or, get fired up about your fitness and health. Or get fired up about a goal that has nothing to do with him.

  46.  #46Starla on January 19, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    When in doubt, make yourself happy for today and set yourself up to be happy in the future. I try to remember this and it’s how I don’t lose my mind being a very anxious personality in a relationship with someone I don’t want to lose.

  47.  #47Starla on January 19, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    love to me love to me love to me <3 I will always have my own back no matter what happens.

  48.  #48Tee on January 19, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Thank you ✔
    I know you’ve told me this a gazillion times Starla lol I’m just trying to connect the dots.

  49.  #49Dixie on January 19, 2016 at 7:14 pm

    Indigo…. I’ve been feeling excited to hear about the developments with M! You sounded so excited and thrilled!

    D. came by last night to watch tv and cuddle and sirens, it felt really nice. It feels like he’s going back and forth a little …..getting super close and vulnerable…then taking a step back…

    But this feels like such good practice for me….. Last night my head was on his chest and I was curled into him and he called me sweetheart and told me he loved me….

    I have noticed that he has a definite feminine side….sometimes waiting for me to take the lead, to show him my feelings first. He once confessed that in his previous marriage, he felt unloved and rebuffed. He actually said that he felt like the girl in the relationship and I know it was really hard for him to admit that.

    Still last night, I felt so protected and cared for.

  50.  #50Sasha Cohen on January 20, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    This is a great blog post. I have been married for 10 years and have found reaching out online to seek the advice of others has helped me through the good and bad time. I have always had relationship issues and have started to follow the advice of Dr. Robi Ludwig. I saw her on a tv show once and I really appreciated her take on current dating issues. I have really enjoyed her outlook on relationships. I have included a link to her latest article about marriage so other people can read it: http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=57

  51.  #51Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 5:58 am

    Starla #44
    Ohhh… my
    What a great insight…
    “most men have a very hard time putting their finger on what is making them feel unhappy.”
    I never really thought about this before… but it makes loads of sense!!
    They tend to show their disappointment or unhappiness with action – like withdrawing!

  52.  #52Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 6:02 am

    Remember YOU are doing Great!
    It’s ALL baby-steps

    I agree with Starla…
    “The fact that he was able to identify that it has something to do with your motivation levels is amazing! I wouldn’t expect him to be able to explain further.”
    I too have a very difficult time understanding Spirit in the moment… but when I look back on a day or an event I think
    “Ohhhh… that was him trying to talk about our relationship.” Or
    “that was him sharing his love for me”
    And then I try and remind myself what I want to share when the moment comes up again…
    Ahhhh!!! I feel soo blind sometimes!

  53.  #53Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 7:16 am

    Dixie #48
    Mmmmm… this sounds like such a precious intimate moment between you and D!!
    I’m glad you could feel his love for you…

    As Rori says… it *IS* up to us to take the lead in showing vulnerability and our love for our man.

    This is from something Labbit wrote;
    “He carries his 100% — the masculine energy, reaching out and leading.
    In return, you need to do your feminine part —
    opening up,
    sharing your feelings,
    creating a safe spot
    for both of you to share your feelings.”

    At a very basic level,
    think of the masculine energy as being in the future
    and the feminine energy as being in the present.

– “I feel so good chatting with you right now!”
    “I feel so happy that you sold those items. You took care of that quickly, thank you! I really appreciate it…”
    “I’ve had such a wonderful day. I feel so relaxed right now just laying on my couch sipping some tea.”

    “You are the emotional leader.
    It’s up to YOU to go first, to OPEN UP, to be VULNERABLE,
    to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE with your emotions.
    This makes a safe place for HIM to open up.
    He does not know how unless you go first.
    Men, their whole lives, learn that embracing and expressing their emotions is WEAKNESS.
    So it takes a LOT of safety
    that a woman creates
    before he’ll feel safe enough to say anything about his emotions.
    He may not even know what he’s feeling,
    because for his entire life
    society has told him to toughen up
    whenever he felt sad, or down, or upset.”

  54.  #54Tee on January 21, 2016 at 7:38 am

    Testing lol

  55.  #55Tee on January 21, 2016 at 7:42 am

    This post might be mega-long & filled with TMI but I need to get this out. All of this alone time & leaning back is opening up so many locked doors. I use to hate this part of the day, alone with too many thoughts but I no longer fight them.

    Last night E and I made love for the first time in perhaps weeks. He literally ravaged me like a starving man, afterwards he turned up his old school r&b music and drew circles on my back with his fingers.

    He was so sweet & it seemed like he missed me so much. I kept thinking to myself….”but I’m right here, I’m right here.”

    But am I? I kept having thoughts that were trying to pull me away from the intimacy, trying to keep me from sinking in along with them but I tried to refocus. He admitted that he had masterbated 2 days before. I asked him, Well where was I,what was I doing? He said I was over on my side doing something. I thought about that for a minute and was like Wow, I think that’s sad. He just shrugged.

    Again, those same thoughts…I’m right here! I had some thoughts earlier in the day, a conversation with a friend about something seeming so not related.
    I talked with her about the fear of letting go, the fear of losing someone.

    I lost our firstborn son in December 2011. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. Then in April 2012, my Godfather passed away. He & I were very close and although we had talked about his passing, I was crushed. Both of those incidents scarred me & probably made me even more fearful of being abandoned.

    Then I think I realized that maybe these are the dots I’ve been trying to connect. My fear of allowing E in any further,fighting him, searching for anything that’ll keep me from loving him any deeper than I already do

    E has no real fear. He essentially lives life to the fullest. If someone passes, he mourns, gets sad but I think he’s more accepting of a higher purpose than I am. I’m deathly afraid of losing him. I know I’ll completely fall to pieces. I’m afraid of losing my son too. I think this realization came about because as things progress within our little family I’m gonna be put in a position where I’m gonna have to let them go.

    E is very outgoing and social. Our son, Isiah is the same way. E already can’t wait to take him here & there. I have to support that yet I’m just scared.

    I feel unlucky & just marked…like I’m wearing a target. In some insane way, I feel better when they’re with me, like my presence is keeping them safe.
    E has even said that he’d love to do things with me as well but I just won’t let Isiah go. He said he feels bad for Isiah in the future because I’ll constantly be breathing down his neck.

    I don’t know what to do with this fear. I know that we don’t live forever and I know that I’m not the only person who’s experienced loss & I’ll experience it again because that’s life.

    I wish E could understand. I haven’t told him this but even if I did…I’m pretty sure he’d still look confused. My Godfather was also nonchalant about his own passing. He wasn’t afraid but he was concerned that I’d be too much of a mess over it.

    Where do you put something like this? I already shed tears last night and I’m shedding tears now…at the laundromat of all places lol

    I think this could be the answer to why I’m so blocked or whatever

  56.  #56Femininewoman on January 21, 2016 at 8:36 am

    “I feel unlucky & just marked…like I’m wearing a target. In some insane way, I feel better when they’re with me, like my presence is keeping them safe.”

    Is this really true? How does unlucky feel?
    What has the fear created? Have you wondered what it would be like to just let them live in freedom in your mind?

    Your presence is only controlling their whereabouts is what I am getting here. It is not keeping them safe.

  57.  #57Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Tee #53
    You said…
    ” I thought about that for a minute and was like Wow, I think that’s sad. He just shrugged. ”
    Gentle reminder… E doesn’t have to ACT like he understands –
    but from ALL you have shared here
    on Siren Island
    He loves you and Isiah VERY much and really
    when you share your feelings with him
    (men show their feelings MUCH different than we do)

    A reminder to ME also… Spirit doesn’t always act like he hears me when I share my feelings… but a day or two later he’ll say or do something so I know he heard!! :-))

    Feeling messages based on what YOU have written here:
    “E I admire and appreciate how very outgoing and social you are. Our son, Isiah is the same way.
    I want to support your energetic desire to take Isiah and do things with him…
    I know it may sound crazy but I just feel scared.”

    This is VERY feminine to SHARE YOUR FEELINGS

    as Rori says… E doesn’t have to respond in anyway
    BUT you are leading the way
    to MORE intimacy
    by sharing YOUR FEELINGS which
    draws our men closer!! :-))

  58.  #58Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 8:55 am

    Tee #53
    Ohhh… to me it sounds like you were able to be
    VERY feminine… by sinking into the intimate moment of love making with E…
    by just being present… and telling yourself
    “i’m right here”
    So very Sireny!!! Ahhh… I felt the warm and cherishing moment to read about how sweet he was…

  59.  #59Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Grieving is such a journey… lifelong…
    Time is on our side…
    Grief/Death changes us forever…
    It takes us to our deepest core
    and then flings us out to face the world
    on our own… without that person…

    I want to embrace my grief
    and not fight her…
    she scares me
    and brings me to my knees

    Come sit here close… I know I try and hide
    from you…
    to push you away…
    I am sorry
    I need to work with this today.

  60.  #60Tee on January 21, 2016 at 9:51 am

    #54 FW

    Intriguing questions. I don’t feel good living in fear but these thoughts have been popping up lately. Fear has created my unhappiness because I know what that fear can do to my guys.

    E looks so happy & proud whenever he’s with Isiah. It’s like his chest is all puffed out & he struts. I can see them having a ball together, going to different events & E buying Isiah everything. Them coming home tired but exhilarated from their adventures together. I do want that for them. I wouldn’t want them to feel stuck because Mommy is feeling fearful yet again. I wish I could just place a protective bubble around everyone

    #56 Azure Blue,
    Definitely an eye-opener in a way. I feel like I got a glimpse of myself in that moment. And as glorious as it was, it also felt sad to me. Like what am I doing to this poor man that I can be in the same room with him yet he can feel like I’m so far away. At least that’s the impression his words gave me of myself. He is definitely a sweet guy.

    #57 ahhh grief. Loss. Not sure what else to say other than it sucks lol

  61.  #61Azure Blu on January 21, 2016 at 10:47 am

    So 2 weeks with LOTS of intimacy with Spirit…
    after I agreed to be exclusive

    I can see that this week he is more leaned back…
    and I am being careful not to lean forward
    Responding when he contacts me…
    We didn’t text or talk at all yesterday…
    Maybe I need a little break also…

    But then…
    I spoke with my son on Tues. and we both shared how closed off we are to people…
    Obviously he got a good bit of that from me…

    I do struggle with talking about the everyday stuff…
    I let Spirit do ALL or Most of the sharing and I just lean back (my regular self) and let him do all the
    entertaining… It feels soooo good when Spirit shines his personality towards me…
    He does know how to make anyone who’s in his sphere – feel so good!

    I realize I want to learn how to share more of my everyday with him…
    He textd me this morning –
    and I just ignored it… Of course I feel wonderful getting a text from him…
    then i thought – he would love to hear from me about what *I* am doing…
    so I sent him a photo of the coffee percolator he gave me for xmas with my coffee cup full of coffee…
    Yay me!! :-))
    he text me back that the photo looked like a advertisement… nice

    But I can see more of what being feminine might look like…
    Me “ahhhh… yes… It feels so warm and cozy hearing the percolator as it makes my first cup of coffee!!”
    That is a feeling message Rori encourages us to use!!

    instead i said… “Tastes good too”
    Which of course isn’t wrong… but was all in my head!

    So just now I took a picture of my screen with one of my new advertisements for a client
    and text it to him and said “Ohhh.. i feel so happy working on these ads for my favorite client!”

    Ahhh… I feel swollen hearted and it’s fun to practice being more feminine with my favorite man – Spirit! ;0>

  62.  #62Tee on January 22, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Ok Sirens I need a script for something that can feel icky all around. My fiancé plans on buying a car within the next few months. Of course this will benefit us greatly however, me being me, I have a few fears/concerns.

    To be honest, I’d prefer not having the car because I think it would make me less anxious about my fiancé.

    #1. He likes to drink so I’m more than concerned about any situation where he may wanna go out while having a car & drinks may be involved

    #2. His impulsiveness & penchant for just taking off

    Ok again, maybe this falls under the category of being a control freak but it makes me nervous. Yes we have had issues with this in the past so I’m not just making this up.

    A call or 2 from the police, picking up my car from the impound, etc. Yes, it’s been a few years since but we’ve also haven’t had a car & I was fine with that.
    We live in Philadelphia so we have a great transportation system

    So here we are. Also (sigh) E is a functioning addict but actually, even if he wasn’t….I think the fear would still be there. He enjoys being a man on the go, he’d make a great salesman because it involves traveling, talking, things are always changing, etc. Hence why he decided to join in with his sisters home business & he also does landscaping. So he’d be a man on the move whether there were drinks or not

    I was gonna talk to him about it last night but I realized that all of my fears were simmering below the surface & I had planned on leading with negativity

    • I know that once we get this car you’re gonna be out drinking and I don’t want a repeat, yada yada yada

    Instead of positivity…

    • I think it’s really cool that you’re committed to this new venture with your sister, etc


    • I can’t wait for us to get this car so that we can a, b, and c, etc

    I need something because as much as he’s looking forward to this, I’m dreading it & thinking about all the ways this could blow up in my face

  63.  #63Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 6:02 am

    Tee is the car really the problem or is it his drinking?

  64.  #64Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 6:54 am

    Ohhh… Wow! Darling Siren,
    I can totally understand your concerns…

    I think your positive scripts are good!
    and then you are going to express how you are feeling about him and the car?

    FW has a good point… to go deeper into your feelings and explore them for a few hours or a day (whatever you need to love YOU and understand YOU)

    You: “I feel really excited that you’re committed to this new venture with your sister, etc
    “I feel embarrassed to bring this up…
    I feel scared when I think about us having a car again. Can you help me sort this out?”

    What do other Sirens think?

  65.  #65Tee on January 22, 2016 at 7:00 am

    #61 FW

    It’s the drinking, yes. Because I’m still annoyed by it & there’s no car.
    The drinking is always there. I think that in my head, this corrupts the image of him being a “good guy”

    It’s hard to explain almost but it’s like you have this gorgeous ferrari in your driveway, runs fantastic, gets you from Point A to Point B but the rear view mirror is cracked or there’s a long scratch on the hood

    It gets to where, all you see is that scratch. It’s almost like an obsession
    Why didn’t you notice the scratch before? How long has it been there?
    There are days when you don’t notice the scratch & you remember how awesome the car is, how you feel in the car, how you look in it, how much you love it, etc.

    Then there are days when you absolutely hate the scratch, it seems to stand out & literally mock you, it seems bigger and bigger each time you look at it, you can’t unsee it and you start fantasizing about new cars….cars that are more perfect than the one that you have

    Most times, I can’t even tell when he’s had too many drinks. There’s no change whatsoever in his demeanor. He’ll be downstairs and then he’ll come up & go to bed. 90% of the time it’s beer.

    About once a month or so, it’s more than beer. Mostly at home but sometimes with a friend if they’re out. That’s when he’ll come home hours later. He still gets up and goes to work…it’s just juvenile & unattractive.

    Yes it is the drinking but throwing a car into the mix again scares me. I feel like I’m just beating a dead horse here and that makes me sad

  66.  #66Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Of course you would be scared…
    I know I suffered from my lack of control from drinking when I was in my 30s… I attended Alcoholic’s Anonymous and it changed my life!!!

    I know there are Al Anon meetings for people of family members with addictions…
    They are really helpful also…
    I highly recommend them..
    Such a WONDERFUL , Strong support group!

  67.  #67Tee on January 22, 2016 at 7:59 am

    #64 Azure Blue, thanks!
    I keep forgetting about AA. I think E did attend some AA meetings and seemed really into the speaker but I’m not sure what happened

    Of course, again this is about ME

    Man this guy is gonna keep me busy with the freakin groups! AL non groups, groups for partners of adults with Adhd. I’m sure it’s all related smh

    In the future, would you suggest that I tell E about the meetings? I looked into it in the past & most meetings seemed to be at night

  68.  #68Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 8:03 am

    Tee have you asked yourself “would I want my son to be just like E”?

  69.  #69Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 8:03 am

    Rori has a post about how to address things about a guy that you don’t like

  70.  #70Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 8:08 am

    Mmmm… gee… meetings for E?

    That doesn’t fit into anything that Rori would recommend…

    I believe she would say to attend YOUR meetings
    for YOU and your Son!!

    I’m not sure who this list is from:
    “(a) don’t try to control him;
    (b) don’t try to control the situation or the outcome;
    (c) don’t criticize him;
    (d) don’t advise him (unless he asks);
    (e) don’t judge him;
    (f) don’t warn him;
    (g) don’t coax him;
    (h) don’t make suggestions to him;
    (i) don’t complain;
    (j) don’t pry
    (k) don’t use the word “you” when talking to him; and
    (l) when he says “No,” accept that as his answer.

    I believe when *I* take care of ME… it might inspire
    my man to change (BUT that is NOT why I am taking care of ME)

    I think Starla shared how her Mom had tried to get her Dad to walk on the treadmill for months for
    his heart etc.
    and then Starla shared some of the Rori tools with her Mom
    and said “Look Mom. Just get on the treadmill for YOU” and after a couple of weeks Dad came down and started getting on the treadmill himself!!

    NO ONE – Including YOU – wants to be told what to do. :-))

  71.  #71Femininewoman on January 22, 2016 at 8:10 am

  72.  #72Dixie on January 22, 2016 at 8:22 am

    68 – Azure Blu

    I’m giggling because that was my dear mom and dad 🙂

    But Tee, I feel confident in what Azure is suggesting: take care of yourself FIRST! xox

  73.  #73Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 8:36 am

    Dixie #70
    Ohhh… tee hee!!! :-)) It was your Mom!!

  74.  #74Tee on January 22, 2016 at 8:54 am

    #66 FW,

    Would I want my son to be just like his Dad? Mostly, yes.
    E is fun, he’s generous, he’s outgoing, he’s helpful, he’s hardworking and considerate and alot of other things too that are positive.

    A few years back, he noticed that a house was on fire on the next block over. Before I could blink twice, he literally threw his sneakers on & ran out the door (in the middle of a snow storm) to see if anyone needed help

    Last night, while he was downstairs (drinking of course) he noticed that there was slip in the door from the police documenting a domestic disturbance involving a young 20 year old girl who….I guess…lives somewhere around here.

    The slip was addressed to the wrong place but it listed the girls Dad’s number. E called the Dad who obviously had no clue what was going on.

    My first thoughts were of course negative. I thought somehow E had gotten the slip over something dumb he had done, then I thought he should have minded his business, etc.

    Then I was like, you know what, it’s very possible that he just saved that girls life. That note was addressed wrong, it was after midnight & I could barely make out what was written, very sloppy “police work” but E took action and called the Dad. That note would have gone unnoticed otherwise I’m sure.

    So in tons of ways, E is awesome and I’d love for Isiah to be awesome like that too but as you can see….for every awesome action smh I think there’s just enough there to tarnish it

  75.  #75Tee on January 22, 2016 at 9:09 am

    #68 Azure Blue lol nooooooo I mean to let E know that I’M attending such meetings. I already know that suggesting that he go wouldn’t go over well.

    I’m wondering because if a meeting is at 7:30, I’d need for him to watch Isiah and of course he’d be curious as to where I’m off to. So my question would be should I tell him where I’m going or not?

    I’m finally grasping the concept of me, me, me so No, I wouldn’t suggest that to him. The more I visit Siren Island, the more appealing I become to myself.

    Maybe a few months back, I would have been trying to formulate some sort of plan to get his attention but I’m finding that that’s not so interesting anymore

    I do have that list lol I think it was something that I got from Tatia Dee, she’s cool 🙂

    Mostly I’ve been sticking too it, I have slipped here and there. E has been responding. Lately he’s been all over the place trying to figure out how to fix the apartment so that we (but me mostly) can receive a better WiFi connection.

    He’s been calling stores, visiting stores, buying wires, etc…he also looked into a new laptop (and I didn’t even ask) for me….he even had his old tablet fixed just so Isiah could have something else to play with

    So he’s a cool guy, he’s just like that ferrari with a scratch lol I just wish that certain aspects of him weren’t there

  76.  #76Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Darling Siren… I feel sunshiny bright
    reading alll the WONDERFUL things you are sharing about your E!!!
    He does sound like such a brave, courageous masculine man!!

    Mmmm… for me, as I practice being more authentic,
    It would be important to tell him where you are going…
    And you have a GREAT reason to go to Al Annon…
    your Mom!
    She is a BIG reason to go!!
    This has been a very difficult way for you to grow up
    with alcholism in your family…
    Starting from your original family and healing that might heal Many of your anxieties
    as it did for me!!

  77.  #77Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 9:20 am

    Yes!! Tatia Dee… what a great site she has!
    She does offer a free one time session
    and then email coaching after that…
    Have you tried her?

  78.  #78Tee on January 22, 2016 at 9:23 am

    #74 Azure Blue, you’re brilliant! Yes, my mom is a reason…true!

  79.  #79Tee on January 22, 2016 at 9:31 am

    #75 I have tried her but as with anyone….you have to do the work.
    I still have all of our emails. I still visit her site too. She’s awesome but I think I was too focused on E.

    These days I feel like I’m loosening my grip a little lol I think
    Mostly because it’s just getting ooollllddd lol I’m tired of the same discussions, I need a new “fix” and it can’t be E all of the time

    I can either keep having the same “fight” or try another way of doing things. I’m more interested in my ME list.

    I have a list of books I want to read
    Restaurants I want to visit…stuff like that

    I’m sorry but sitting in a cozy Italian restaurant eating baked ravioli & watching the snow fall outside feels way better than another “argument” with E so that’s kinda where my focus has been

  80.  #80Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 10:12 am

    Tee #77
    Wow this sounds soo Yummmiee and Super Sireny
    I love how you’re feeling bored by the same old arguments
    and you’re really liking spending time with YOU!

    Yes, i do know what you mean…
    I’ve spoken to several of the AMAZING coaches…
    but fell off sending them emails and letting them know how what they suggested worked.
    They were always VERY helpful
    I just didn’t follow thru with the email part

  81.  #81Azure Blu on January 22, 2016 at 10:23 am

    Rori from 2008:
    “But vulnerability requires inner strength,
    bravery, and a belief in yourself.

    In order to let someone see
    who you are inside –
    especially a man you love –
    you have to be “okay” with yourself.
    Liking yourself is even better.
    And loving yourself gets you the prize!”

    “Because, if what a man sees when he looks at you,
    is that you love yourself –
    then he feels compelled to love you, too.
    He can’t help it.”

  82.  #82Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 5:13 am

    cant get on with either google or firefox

  83.  #83Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 5:14 am

    Oh I got on using safari

  84.  #84Liquid Light on January 23, 2016 at 11:24 am

    Does anyone know if the recording is going to be shared?

  85.  #85Femininewoman on January 23, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    Azure re 79 this week I was speaking to a man about two difficult subjects one. I was feeling like vomiting and was rubbing my stomach. He asked about it and I told him just like that. His response was that obviously I care a lot otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling so much and he promised to take action my behalf.

  86.  #86Azure Blu on January 23, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    FW #83
    Wow that is powerful! You were so Vulnerable…
    and *HE* responded right away!

  87.  #87Echoes on January 25, 2016 at 1:28 am

    This is not quite on topic, but the only blog posts which touch on it are veeery old, and my comment is unlikely to be noticed there…
    I see a lot of talk about not chasing, leaning back, etc – k, got it. It runs counter to what people in my life are always telling me – that I need to try more because I am too aloof. They say “smile more!”, but it feels needy and desperate when I do, because it is. My pattern has been to….do nothing and focus on myself and how I feel. Doing nothing is easy peasy to me, because I have no desire to “make” anything happen.
    Apparantly, this should work like a charm when men “show up”, except, except, except – they never show up. I am totally invisible to men. They don’t make eye contact with me, they don’t strike up chit-chat, and they certainly don’t flirt.
    General FYI here – no, I’m not fat or ugly, although not saying such women can’t be attractive. I’m a woman’s idea of pretty at least – tallish, slender, stylish.
    I don’t know what I am doing or not doing right…. There seems to be the assumption that “not doing” will cause men to show up, but they don’t for me… I see women around me being noticed and spoken to a lot, but never me! I also read how jus being a “girl” makes you magnetic, but I seem to be repellent. There is no attraction in anyone to nurture and I definitely don’t have to worry about saying “no” to sex.

  88.  #88Tee on January 25, 2016 at 11:58 am

    Dear Sirens

    Tee strikes again! I made a wisecrack this morning that E didn’t think was funny. We’ve essentially been snowed in all weekend with our rambunctious little one in an apartment that’s really built for maybe 1 person.

    E rattled off his list again.
    Tee doesn’t cook me breakfast, she’s complacent, she only cares about her phone and isiah, blah blah, he really doesn’t want to be here, etc

    We talked about another apartment for a split second but I think we both have the same fear that the other person won’t pull their weight

    I like having a plan or something of a plan in place. E seems to think we should just function based on faith.
    He just wants me to worry only about me

    Ok Sirens, I get it but I don’t have that level of faith.

    And, call me crazy but it feels like E just wants so much separation. AM I not seeing his side? The apartment is too small & yes the boy sleeps with us etc

    Cook, clean, sex all while he gets to just BE …..out until who knows when, drinking and such

    I feel like a glorified hooker smh lol

  89.  #89Femininewoman on January 25, 2016 at 1:16 pm

    Tee all I am getting is that you need to ask yourself “why am I here”

  90.  #90Tee on January 25, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    I don’t know what I’m getting half the time

  91.  #91Starla on January 25, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    Men are simple – food and sex make them feel cared for and most importantly, RESPECTED. You’ve sat around wondering what on earth he needs to be happy, saying you don’t understand it clearly, but when you figure it out you criticize it. Those are his needs and you criticize them and say he doesn’t deserve it. You probably sound like your mother, Tee. Blech.

    Cook him breakfast. This is a no-brainer. I bet just getting up every morning for a week to cook him breakfast will start to shift things. It’s not like over-functioning when you cook for a man as an excuse to spend time with him or to get him to like you more but he hasn’t even said he needs this from you.

    Seriously. Listen to him. He says he wants breakfast. Does he go out and earn money to keep a roof over your head every day so you can be a mother to your son? Then he deserves it. Feed your man. Let go of trying to “fix” your relationship through talking about it and get up before him tomorrow and make him some breakfast. When he says thank you, say you’re welcome. Do it again the next day. And the next. Heck, by day 4 he’ll probably be offering YOU breakfast. He’s not a bad guy. You know he’s not so stop treating him like he’s out to hurt you. This is crxp your mom does. Untangle yourself from the power struggle.

  92.  #92Azure Blu on January 25, 2016 at 5:20 pm

    Lovely Siren…
    I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh…
    But I agree with Starla…

    *E* asked for exactly what he wants…
    and Rori says… when your masculine man
    asks for something… “Do it”
    He also mentioned that MOST of your attention
    is on Isiah- I imagine this happens a lot in relationships
    when children come into the picture…

    Sooo cooking him breakfast will work for both
    his request…
    “Breakfast please” and more time for “Me”

    Sooo – I think Starla was brilliant by suggesting
    try it for 4 days and see what happens…
    Doing it with LOVE and Appreciation for E

    and I Love her one word replies to what E says to you to STOP the arguments

    I know I had to go first to stop the back and forth with Spirit!!!
    We were always getting angry and stomping off!

    When I started acknowledging MY part in the arguments and sharing my part with him
    and started thinking about all the wonderful things that I loved about Spirit…
    I got tired of the constant (every 2 months) of breaking up and making up…
    I got MORE of *MY* life together…
    Spirit continually mentions how much better we’re getting along…
    I can see he loves the calm, less intensity and less drama!!!

  93.  #93Azure Blu on January 25, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    Starla #88
    BRILLIANT!!! lovely Siren

    Wow… great reminder… Rori says
    When your man asks for something
    “Give it to him”

    I want to make sure I am listening when Spirit asks me for something…
    He recently asked me to buy him a pair of pajama bottoms for when he comes over to my house…
    I want to do that! :-))

  94.  #94Tee on January 25, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    #88 Starla, ggrrrr you’re killing me lol
    Funny that you mentioned my mother, she actually called me today. It’s been weeks since she’s even called or asked about her grandchild. She was wondering why no one called her, kinda play-acting the whole thing smh but my heart did sink a little because I rarely call her. She’ll be over this way on Wednesday for a visit I guess. But no, don’t want to be like her. I feel bad

    #89 Azure Blue, I don’t think you could be harsh. Or Starla. I know you lovely ladies want the best for me & you don’t think me or my situation is totally not worth it

    Sometimes I feel embarrassed because you keep telling me the same things in different ways. I do give to E, maybe just not in the way he’s seeking?

  95.  #95Starla on January 25, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    Yeah, if he is specifying what he seeks, that makes it pretty obvious what to do… You sound just as stubborn as him haha.

  96.  #96Millie on January 25, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    Hmmm sometimes the fact that answers are right in front of us makes me laugh. Or how we overthink things so much when the answer can be so simple! Make him breakfast! I love it!!!

  97.  #97Tee on January 25, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    #92 Starla lol

    I just don’t get it! If I’m upset because you keep coming home late, then you turn around and say it’s because I don’t make you grilled cheese sandwiches anymore….I’m gonna look at you sideways!

    I don’t see what one has to do with the other. I’m like Really? That’s the best you can give me? You’re late for the 4th night in a row because there’s no sandwiches? Lol it sounds like an excuse to be a jerk lol

    I just need him to make sense lol I’m not trying to be stubborn or a jerk.
    I just don’t see how making more sandwiches will “solve” the issue(s)

    I guess I just gotta ‘get the book’?

  98.  #98Femininewoman on January 25, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    Tee it is about the pattern. You keep getting upset. He keep coming home late.

    BREAK THE PATTERN. Find a way to break it. First notice yourself getting upset. Then choose something else. Just to experiment with what might happen.

    He might feel loved if he gets the sandwich., It might not be about the sandwich. It might be depositing in his love bank. Acts of service might be his love language. I dunno.

  99.  #99Millie on January 25, 2016 at 7:53 pm

    Tee– It’s never really about “sandwiches”…or about being home at a certain time, sure that’s what you both want, but it sounds like it goes a lot deeper than that for both you. I think the point is– making small changes will affect the greater problem in a positive way, one step at a time…and it’s about experimenting. Like Femininewoman said– if you keep doing the same thing, reacting in the same way, you go in circles and nothing changes. Nothing changes if nothing changes and sometimes it is the role of the feminine to initiate the energy change.

  100.  #100Starla on January 25, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    He says i want sandwiches, you say that’s not valid. Well you just told him his feelings aren’t valid. Stop criticizing the man’s thought processes. Stop criticizing him in general.

    All in all there are many things to choose from that you could do or stop doing to see change in your relationship. Pick at least one and actually do it. Since your base psychology isn’t changing through sheer will, more tangible, practical changes one at a time are going to be more manageable. Instead of making it your goal every day to be less anxious and dissatisfied, which is honestly a huge undertaking lacking in much specificity, you can instead focus on specific external changes. I think just two to start is enough and not too overwhelming. First and foremost, stop criticizing him. If it helps, think of criticizing him as criticizing an extension of your son. I’m sure you don’t want your son to start getting the message that he is part bad because his daddy’s bad. Second, make breakfast.

    Then when you get the hang of that, refocus on these more abstract ideas of self care and self soothing and accepting him how he is and all that.

  101.  #101Indigo on January 26, 2016 at 2:39 am


    I really was going to stay out of this, but what Starla suggested in #88 is ABSOLUTELY the way to go. This is what I would do, this is the way I’ve started treating men and it makes ALL the difference in the world with them.

    Unless you’re actually hooked on this dysfunctional relationship and getting some kind of a payoff from it? If so, I’d look at that.

    Men are not hairy women. They are absolutely, entirely different from us. Watch the video from Matt Boggs on the next thread. Hell, watch all of Matt Boggs’ videos. Watch a whole bunch of relationship videos from a male perspective and one thing will become painfully obvious:

    Dealing with them as if you are dealing with another woman (like the way you are talking to us on the blog, for example) is a recipe for disaster. They are totally different. They have different priorities, different needs, different ways they feel loved, appreciated and needed, a different purpose in life and a totally different energy and set of gifts to bring us in relationship than what we bring to them.

    LEARN how men are. Learn their language. Learn how to relate to them and stop fighting it.

    Starla is absolutely right. Men are simple. They want food and sex. They want affection and to be respected. They want to feel needed and manly. Life can feel pretty simple and good when you learn how to meet these needs and communicate to him how to meet your needs. All this angst… aaaaarrrrgghh.

  102.  #102Tee on January 26, 2016 at 6:47 am

    Thanks ladies I wasn’t trying to give anyone a headache lol I just wasn’t making the connection but I guess that’s neither here nor there.
    It’s an ugly pattern so STOP

    I’m gonna take screen shots of your responses so I can refer to them ❤

  103.  #103Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 7:31 am

    Starla #97
    Love this one too!!
    Hell (as Indigo would say :-))
    pick ONE thing… make him Breakfast!!

    As far as coming home late… that is an OLD way of doing things… I run late OFTEN… if my man makes a big deal about it… I have to let him go…
    I dont mean to be late… things happen…
    they run late also… In my mind, that is the LEAST important issue to get upset about
    BUT MANY people LOVE To beat others up about *That* very thing… it has the POWER to undermine a friendship or relationship… Ugh!!

  104.  #104Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 7:41 am

    On *MY* journey to happy ever after…

    As I looked closer at my fear of emotional intimacy and read some of Evan Katz web site and emails
    One thing I began to notice…
    the closer I got to a man… the more I started nit picking
    I realized I did it to keep from getting too close…

    it was one of the BIG bricks in my wall to protect my HEART
    and to keep a man from getting too close…
    Keep me from Showing my authentic and vulnerable, sweet, innocent self

    As I observed this disrespectful habit… I could catch myself more and more… until now…
    I’ve STOPPED!!!
    Habits CAN be broken! :-))

  105.  #105Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Indigo #98
    Love this!!

    They are absolutely, entirely different from us.

    (That’s what makes this sooo damn exciting!!!)

    LEARN how men are. Learn their language. Learn how to relate to them and stop fighting it.”

    about a year ago – after one of Spirit and I’s breakups
    He actually said to me
    I thought it was sooo cool… he had been reading on the internet about relationships!!
    and how to stop arguing…

  106.  #106BeLoved on January 26, 2016 at 9:23 am

    Ohh, sirens, my mind is all over the place.
    I really really really really liked being with A the other day. He texted me after the date and I told him how good it felt to hear from him and that I needed to focus on my homework, I would be available to chat after work and my general work hours.
    I haven’t heard from him and WHOA the fun I am having keeping my mind straight. Fleeting images of him being more interested in the hot young tantrika yogini ecstatic dancers I know he hangs with. Imagining he is deciding I live too far, etc.
    And gently bringing it back to ME, imagining that he is ALL ABOUT ME, remembering how many times he said he felt really good with me and that IT WAS JUST ONE DATE.
    Reminding myself to use the Waterfall, set it and forget it.
    It feels so good to really like someone and feel excited about it.
    As I type this I hear a quiet voice – “There is always more.”
    I am safe. I am Divine.
    I am f*cking irresistible.
    *I* am the prize.

  107.  #107Starla on January 26, 2016 at 9:40 am

    I just wanted to take some time and space here to praise my man, who is learning not to take things so personally and to get offended less quickly. Everything is starting to feel so much easier and im not on eggshells anymore. I still have some work to do with really believing the love he has for me, but this is so much less disruptive than being on eggshells constantly. I feel like i can breathe and move. I feel respected. I hated wondering if he even respected me.

    I still feel grief about it all but i can feel myself healing and letting it go.

  108.  #108Indigo on January 26, 2016 at 11:28 am

    Azure Blu & Starla,

    Yay for praising our men! Mine is so super wonderful!

  109.  #109Tee on January 26, 2016 at 11:31 am

    #97 Starla, I made breakfast and Umm that’s all for right now lol

  110.  #110Starla on January 26, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Tee that’s awesome, do it again tomorrow:-) and save some for me lol

  111.  #111Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Indigo and Starla
    Yes, I feel this is something I so forget to do on here…
    my friends/family too… mainly hear all the negative about Spirit…
    Today he text me: Sushi for lunch?
    Me: Yes… Please…
    He brought over a large plate of sushi (he knows I love it) and this WONDERFUL spinach, cauliflower and tomato salad!!! it was yummie! AND healthy…

    So sweet and thoughtful
    and he asked my son if he wanted some too!!!
    Spirit is hanging out while i work and doing his work in the living room…
    Ahhhh… i feel so cared for and cherished…
    I told him that… He just smiles… :0)

  112.  #112Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 12:18 pm

    (((Tee))) #106
    Mmmm…. Brave, warm hearted Siren!!!
    Yes, save some for me tomorrow morn! :0)

  113.  #113Tee on January 26, 2016 at 12:52 pm

  114.  #114Tee on January 26, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    I meant (((Starla))) (((Azure Blue)))

  115.  #115Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Tee’s #111
    I think that means breakfast for us too
    tomorrow mornin’!!!

  116.  #116Tee on January 26, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Lol eggs, sausage and toast for everybody

  117.  #117Dixie on January 26, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    Oh sirens…. Please allow me this moment to just vent, but I give up. Yup, I don’t care if there is a man, if he ever shows up…. I’m just tired and exhausted.

    I know, very unsireny, and as much as I believe or hope there is someone for me, I just don’t care this second.

    Normally I’m in better spirits, but today I just feel like letting go of everything and not caring. I’m just tired and frustrated and full of confusion.

    I know this feeling will pass by morning, but I just needed a little outlet this moment.

  118.  #118Azure Blu on January 26, 2016 at 6:39 pm


  119.  #119Liquid Light on January 26, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Starla, It might be interesting to do a The Work worksheet on not feeling respected in your relationship. Its possible that you may discover that the person that is disrespecting you is yourself. 🙂

  120.  #120Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 9:01 am

    Hi Tee. How are things after the second day’s breakfast.

  121.  #121Tee on January 27, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    Hey FW, thanks for asking! We got a late start so my guys had cereal this morning. However, I just made my first lasagna! E suffers from acid reflux so anything tomato-based can sometimes be an issue for him. I’ve always wanted to make him my version of a white lasagna.

    Mushrooms, spinach, Alfredo sauce, 3 types of cheese along with Parmesan cheese

    Since it’s my first one, I was feeling discouraged in the beginning because it didn’t look like it was coming together how I wanted. I was even afraid to taste it! Boy is it good lol

    Yay me lol

  122.  #122Azure Blu on January 27, 2016 at 1:27 pm

    Ohhh… yummie… I’ve never had that kind of lasagna!
    It sounds delicious!
    2 days… what are some of the feelings coming up for you as you do this experiment?

  123.  #123Tee on January 27, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Oh its so good! I need to perfect it though but not bad for a first try!
    The gremlins are definitely making noise.

    I shouldn’t do this for him because he never did that, etc etc. They’re not as loud anymore but they’re there still. Trying to get that Other side of me to act up. The side that was raised to distrust men. The side that remembers all the times I was let down, disappointed, etc

    E also showed me the Jeep he wants to buy from a friend. It looks enormous!
    I said How the heck am I supposed to drive that thing? Lol he says Tee…you can’t just be a one-type of car driver.

    I thought about it & told him he was right. Nothing is set in stone yet though

  124.  #124Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    Yayy Tee!! One more thing to create a good feeling moment around

  125.  #125Femininewoman on January 27, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    Give the gremlins a cookie and tell them to sit in a corner and shut up

  126.  #126Tee on January 27, 2016 at 2:00 pm


    I noticed something else from hanging around Siren Island. I’m having less & less patience for some of the things I see online regarding relationships.

    Everyone is so bitter and hardcore. Everyone has this mile long list of what they don’t like about men or dating or courting. Everything almost seems like a contest.

    I’ve seriously considered deleting so much stuff. I probably will. It makes me feel so icky. I feel bad for so many.
    I kinda also feel like I’m turning into Pollyanna lol wanting everyone & everything to positive, cheery and bright

    I know that’s not a bad thing but definitely a departure

  127.  #127Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 8:38 am

    Hey Tee. How are things?