Why Online Dating Is Huge NOW

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Here’s a really interesting article – I know we’re into February already, but it’s sort of about how the seasons and Holidays affect us:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/22/AR2009012201045.html

It’s cold out.  I know you don’t want to drag yourself out of the house – but you MUST.

It’s February, we just survived Valentine’s day and got through January, which is officially “break-up” month, where more relationships end, after the Holidays, than at any other time of year.

It’s a big world.  Don’t stay stuck in your little glass box.  Climb out, look around, practice the Tools – step out of your comfort zone, try something new.  Get involved in life in a new way – volunteer, take up a new skill, go to school, look at new career paths, through yourself into your work for pleasure, not “have-to.”

Don’t hang around the same places looking for someone new.  Go to NEW places and look for someone who matches you.

Don’t give up on online dating – just try new sites, and if you haven’t started yet – experiment with it.

Life has to have adventure – and adventure is always something WE make happen.

I’m doing this with you now – not online dating – but finding new adventures in my life – every day.  Your juice comes from inside you – not from a man.

Let’s juice up.  Love, Rori

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116 Comments

  1.  #1Maria on February 21, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    lll be practical here, suggest good online sites, please. we know match.com, but there must be loads more…



  2.  #2Reshi on February 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Match, Yahoo Personals, plentyoffish.com, lavalife. Though I’m thinking of getting off lavalife because it seems I only get messaged for sex there. I guess that is why they call themselves the sexiest online personals site.

    I suppose there is also Craigslist, I haven’t tried it. Any others come to mind?



  3.  #3Liz on February 21, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    For any of you who are using online dating (I am…Match), I’d love some insight/sharing on how you’re using Rori’s tools with the online sites. I can figure it out with the in-person meeting aspect, but with either an initial email or in follow-up emails to prospective “Circular Dates” I feel struggling on how to weave tools in. Rori – or other on here – any suggestions, examples?



  4.  #4Reshi on February 21, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    What works for me is I don’t send any initial e-mails, nothing more than a wink (and I’ve really stopped doing even that lately). I revise my profile regularly and make it accurately fit how I feel about myself and what I am looking for. As accurately as I can, anyway, as a lot of what I want in a man is intangible and indescribable–and quite honestly, any guy who has it is actually quite unlikely to date online (I like my men low-tech and high-touch). Still, I’ve been surprised. For replies to a guy’s e-mail, I check in with myself, how does the e-mail make me feel? I will try to give one or two feeling messages though honestly when I write back to a guy it’s so easy to put the masculine on autopilot. And of course if he turns me off or makes me feel bad, he gets no reply.

    When I first started online I was sending a lot of winks and ended up feeling really desperate and undesirable…but doing that filled up the pipeline. When I started feeling overwhelmed, I stepped back, and men began to step up…now I’m getting all kinds of practice with all kinds of men, and I am feeling things begin to flow organically.



  5.  #5Daria on February 21, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I do my online dating from Myspace. It works for me really well, there’s always a new guy contacting me.

    I put up lots of “hot” pictures of myself that I feel super sexy in.

    Then I wait for guys to write me.

    Rori wrote in her e-letters about this before, I use her recommendation.

    Hi BLANK . I’m feeling _____(tired right now, curious, super excited, whatever I’m feeling even if it has nothing to do with him).

    I like your (Rori’s recommendation) eyes, shirt, smile, what you wrote about books, Anything

    I am/feel intrigued. <—- I got this from Rori and it works EVERY TIME! I use it everytime it’s hilarious to me when guys write me oh you feel intrigued by me and I know I use it for every guy.

    Then he writes back. Rori says to not keep writing online because what we want is to meet and date here.

    So I say I don’t really like messaging online, I’m at (phone number). The worst that can happen is he’ll call I figure, so I give out my number right away. Then he calls… wants to meet… I meet him downtown… and voila.

    I’ve lost count of how many dates I’ve had this way. I do almost all my dating right now through this proccess.



  6.  #6alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    daria i have a question. are you attracted them all? or are you just meeting them just to date? i really want to get the hang of this circular date thing. i mean it is starting to sink. in fact i changed my profile (yup back online) to Include any age over 22. (22 is a bit young for me) and i also made it so people lokking for friends, hang out, activity partner all except for the just sex category (i think that’s called intimate encounters or some misnomer like that).

    i used to just want guys looking for long term but i am EXPERIMENTING again. and if i’m just dating to date what do i care if they want long term or not? besides intimcay and commitment are kinda big for me so maybe starting out as just friends is better.

    so daria when you go to meet these guys do you have and interest in all of them or is it just oh i’m curious but not really interessted or attracted?



  7.  #7Daria on February 21, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    I’m feeling a little concerned about myself because I am having lots of thoughts of missing my ex. Maybe it’s because of my parents playing 70’s songs which sometimes make me feel sad with that “I’ve lost the love of my life” type of feeling I get. Last nite I dreamt about another guy I used to like who was unavailable, and I haven’t heard from him, but he was really into me. My other ex called me a couple days ago at 6 am and left a nice message even asking me to call him back but I haven’t yet. I feel a little guilty. I feel worried. I feel like I am closed off to him because he was abusive and yet I feel like I want to be open to even him.

    I feel sad that the one guy I am thinking about and missing me did not want me. I am thinking about how he is the one who is best for me, and how connected and safe I felt with him when I felt good. I “just don’t understand” how he can not like me the same way. He is probably in love with his girlfriend right now and he was in love with his last girlfriend a few years ago.

    I am not leaning forward anymore and keep expecting him to show up, I feel like I can move on, today so many thoughts of him are coming up (again). I remember before I slept with him feeling like he was not really my type and being interested in him as a friend only. I was obsessed with his friend actually and did not want to let him go even though he obviously did not want to be with me anymore (his friend). So it’s not really about him it’s me and my pattern of obsession that I’ve consciously practiced since I was 5. I would actually encourage and enjoy being obsessed with guys. Well that’s ok. I feel glad I know better now. I feel a little hopeless. I want to know that a man I can feel just as connected and safe and womanly with is coming for me. It’s like this guy was the perfect balance between brave and intelligent and able to succeed. I am finding either intelligent, able to succeed, or brave. I really liked how he was really fair too. Well proabably not so fair “in love” with me but overall. He treated me with more respect than other guys I have liked. I feel sad. It is ok to feel sad. I know I will feel better soon. My feeling sad and accepting it is a precursor to my feeling good. I feel like I would have had lots of trouble having a relationship with him as he is a “player” and an alcoholic with an addictive streak. So yeah. I was willing to accept him with all that. Because I felt so good with him. I felt so “at home.” Like I had my own place in the world. Which is what I want. I feel embarassed to write that maybe I feel traumatized that “I lost that” when I moved countries when I was young. I feel like I should “get over it.” I am by far from over it. It is like a huge chunk of my identity and colors almost all my thoughts. Hmm… I love myself. I love my traumatized self and my embarassment. It feels like mortification. Like “who are you to declare yourself traumatized.” I feel ashamed. I feel afraid of being shallow, spoiled and whiny. I feel unworthy is what that sounds like. I feel disappointed. I feel tired. I love my tired feeling. And that feels like my eyes opening up more and my mouth smiling. And I love my open eyes and smile. And that feelslike more smile, and pressure in my chest. And I love my smile and pressure in my chest. I feel lonely. I feel hopeless about feeling lonely. I don’t want to feel lonely and I feel sad. I love my loneliness. I feel bad for myself for feeling lonely. I love my feeling bad. Taht feels like pinching under my left eye. I love my pinching. I am so tired of feeling lonely. I deserve to feel Unlonely. I want to feel unlonely. And I feel afraid of not having that, I want to hold on to every scrap of unlonely I feel. I feel like after moving countries my life has been permeated by desperate loneliness. I feel hopeless. I love my hopelessness. I love my lonely feeling. That feels like squeezing on my tailbone. I love the squeezing on my tailbone. that feels like smiling and a little tiny smirk laugh. I love my little tiny smirk laugh. That feels like pulling down on my heart. I love the pulling down on my heart. I love the fear I have around that feeling. That feels like closing my eyes. That feels like tightness on the sides of my mouth. I love the tightness on the sides of my mouth. And that feels like melting, and like relaxed breathing, a squeeze in my tummy, anda blank feeling. My voice said again, I feel tired of feeling alone. I love my blank feeling. That feels like… closing my eyes… like half sleeping… like heavy limbs… I love my closing eyes, half sleeping, and heavy limbs… and that feels like a strong tingling all through my right calf… I love my tinglingin my right calf… and taht feels like relaxed heaviness… I love my relaxed heaviness… I want to feel that “I belong”. I belong. I belong. I belong. I belong. I belong. I belong. That feels like a smile, it’s funny to me that it seems to not matter what I am belonging to. I belong means I have my right place in the world. I am in the right place. Even though a part of me says I am not. I lost my right place in the world when I moved. I love my voice. Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you. I am going to go on feeling better now, and doing what makes me feel good, so I can have more love and compassion to share with you and with the world. And I embrace you, and I wont’ abandon you. I promise. Hehe. I feel good saying that. And I feel a little proud and a little embarassed that I memorized that word for word… from the Heart Toolkit. I feel like yawning. I feel warm in my right calf, and I love my warmness in my right calf. I feel squeezing in my left side, and I love the squeezing, I feel squeezing in the right part of my butt and I feel warmth on the left lol ew I feel disgusted and embarassed talking about my butt and that feels like squeezing more on the right part lol I feel embarassed and I love my squeezing warmth, embarassment, disgust, mortification. That feels like tingling and freezing from the shoulders down my arms. And now I feel tingling bubbly feeling on my vulva and I feel horrified writing that down. OMg. I Feel Blank now. I feel amused at myself because I feel absolutely comfortable reading about other women and the feelings they feel in their vaginas, and that feels like my shoulder blades squeezing. I love my squeezing shoulder blades, my vulva, my tingling arms and squeezing shoulders. My shoulders are telling me… oops you went too far, that’s not public information, and now I’m remembering another recent time my mom told me I shared too much body personal info publicly and I feel mortified and that feels like squeezing in my right buttock… I love my squeezing in my butt and I love my pouty lips and I love my frozen shoulders. My heavy feeling shoulders I lvoe you. That feels like squeezing in my left calf and in my right temple and I love both those places. That feels like my left toes unwinding and lifting up my leg, and like my eyes closing, yawning and I love all that. I am ok to practice here. That feels cool to know. I felt like yawning and I love my yawns. I feel tingly in my chest reading a few lines above the words right buttock… that feels like more tingling in my right shoulder and squeezing in my right cheekbone… I feel like cringing reading that word and I love my feeling of wanting to tighten and cringe… that feels cool that I am noticing this feeling. I feel blank and now I feel pinching on the right side of my right foot, on the left underside of my jaw, on the underside of my left foot and somewhere I don’t want to write. I love ALL my feelings ! I even love the place I don’t want to write. I feel bad for not writing it. Ok I want to name it in a pretty way… umm my booty although that includes more than what I mean… I feel really uncomfortable saying that so I love and accept that feeling and I don’t want to say it. A part of me does want to say it though… lol… I feel lost in my head… I feel squeezed in my chest and pouty lips now…. I love my squeezed in my chest and my pouty lips. I feel tingly in my bootyhole OMG that feels like my eyes going wide and tensing up of the whole upper part of my torso… I feel Like MAJORLY APOLOGIZING to everyone on this blog for TMI but I felt super curious to see what I would feel writing that OK… I feel Blank… I feel checked out now… I feel tense in my left jaw. I feel a lot of shame. I feel like I just accomplished something important but I am imagining my mom or someone else reading this and judging me and well obviously thinking that not only is that not important it’s embarassing… and I feel ashamed to embarass her or other people by sharing about my body and I feel very tense in my neck and temples now and pouty lips… I feel defensive and angry? I feel like I am ready to defend attack I am all tense and frowny eyebrows I LOVE my frown eyebrows and I FEEL REALLY ANGRY I feel sad and confused I love my frowny eyebrows and pouty lips… I love my “warrior stance” Tahnk you warrior stance… that feels like a big breath in my chest and like my face is slowly starting to relax like a grumbling grouch… I love my grumbling grouch face… and that feels like more tensing while thinking about other people reading this riff and maybe I won’t even send it although I want to because why not… I feel all cool seeing what I wrote show up online and knowing other people will read it… I feel tense in my forehead and I love my tension… I feel like rolling my eyes and I lvoe my rolling eyes desire… I feel like smiling thinking that my computer might crash (it does that)… I feel tight in my mouth and lower jaw… I feel tight in my calf… I feel pinching in my left side… I love my pinching in my calf and pinchingin my left side and now I feel smiling and I actually feel very proud for overcoming the embarassment that was blocking me and I feel amused thinking about it and wondering if it might help other people overcome their own embarassment about things and that feels like a comforting thought… and that feels like a sigh.. and I feel like smiling along with the pinching on my right calf and left forearm which I love… I feel like smiling a LOT now lol…

    Channel to? I am going downstairs to see what my mom is doing.. she said dinner is ready right now… wow cool timing…



  8.  #8Liz on February 21, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Daria, thanks, very helpful….especially with the email cheat-sheet. I will definitely play off that template. I don’t recall Rori’s e-letter on this subject…if you’re able to post it here that’s would be great and helpful to see it in full context.
    I feel envious, it sounds like you and Reshi are in places where guys are “normal” about dating, asking women out….i’m trying to circular date in D.C. and the dating scene here has a notorious reputation — the guys are “odd” in their dating behavior, lots of work ego caught up in this bunch that lapses over to the dating scene. So, I find I have to be more proactive around here and you’re email is helpful in that respect.



  9.  #9Daria on February 21, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Alias Girl I am just meeting them according to circular dating. I respond to almost all that message me, unless something in their message particularly turns me off… there are a few who “friend” me on Myspace and don’t message, I don’t friend them back and if I find them particularly attractive I write them a message like above except saying… Hi… you added me as a friend… I feel… etc.

    I really just want to practice going on dates as pre-Rori I had “never” been on a real date… instead I would hang out and stuff… I used to feel like a guy was stupid or I was using him if he paid for a date. So now I just feel excited and interested to go out on a date where he pays, I still sometimes feel like a gold digger because some of the guys are not used to dating either, they want to hang out and I feel so thrilled and amused writing this right now, but if I just assume they are taking me out and paying and it’s a romantic date they kind of go with that usually (a few exceptions)… and that feels so interesting to me because I realize that they are kinda classifying me in their mind like oh she’s that type of girl I have to impress, she won’t just drive to me and hang out… and now I feel good being that type of girl whereas before I wanted to “not be that” so that I’d be approachable. Now because of Rori I feel I have a high degree of difficulty in requiring this and am also getting used to it myself because like I said I feel uncomfortable with it still and I feel like I’m a “gold digger” sometimes but it feels fun to see men and have them pay for my food plus other stuff. I am just getting a thrill out of them paying I can’t believe it. I used to always pay my half or even the whole thing (with some past boyfriends, not everyman). So I’m dating to get used to dating and being on a pedestal. Also it is fun to see how some guys that I would think would not do the romantic thing are still going to do it if I stick to my boundaries.

    I have felt attracted to some of them actually. Not all of them, but some yes, I feel attracted to the one who called me today. I kinda feel attracted to the one who was calling me the past week but not totally. I felt attracted a tiny bit to the one from two weeks ago but lost the attraction when he kissed me I didn’t feel it.

    I am just practicing dating. It’s like the river of men never stops. I never worry because new ones always show up. So yes I’m just enjoying dating the actual date experience rather than focusing on the man. It would feel nice to feel connected (attracted and emotionally safe) to a man And have fun dates hence my little bit of loneliness earlier. I am enjoying my success in my “gold digger” role although evidently I still have some issues to work in there since I’m calling it that. Let’s change that to “goddess you can pay to take out” no… how about just “goddess you worship” role loool that feels like release and laugh so that’s good. Yes. I mean I would have no problem if they were like hey I want to take you to the park or something. It’s like THEY have these issues about money though so they assume they have to pay for a date in fact I think they want to. I am still meeting a lot who don’t have enough money to really take me out a lot and I think that’s related to me feeling like I don’t have enough either.

    I also have a preconceived notion of “rich guys” like they might be snobby or something so that might factor in there. I WANT to be comfortable knowing it is good that a guy is taking me out and paying for things and wanting me to have a good time. I am practicing to increase my comfort level. AHA I just realized I used to judge girls who expected guys to pay for stuff as snobby and gold diggers hence that term in my psyche vocabulary.

    Liz what do you mean their dating behavior is odd? I find that as long as I hold to my boundaries the men (who seem to come from a wide variety of dating behaviors) for the most part want to conform and match my dating behavior.



  10.  #10alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    thank you sooo much daria! i feel really appreciative of you answering my question and sharing your experience.i feel really helped. aw and that feels like crying. duh. i don’t want to cry here. i’m at the movie theater waiting til it gets closer to the time to go in. aw. i feel really open and vulnerable and teary. i feel really overdramatic. what i’m ?(floating question mark that shouldn’t be there) realizing though is i am Really sensitive. and so i am realizing Everyday in almost every interaction with humans i am trapping energy because i don’t want my natural expression (which is often Tears. whether i’m happy sad or touched it seems to trigger tears. and that just seems a bit much for people to handle (or myself) so i block all that energy.

    but i am more aware now of what is going on. it’s like tracking your body sensations all the time. and it’s really hard to put into words. i will keep trying.

    not right now but when i feel like i can communicate it better.

    i am having realizations left and right now though since my big breakthrough.

    ok i’m going to go see my movie. thanks daria! it feels like together we are doing great here on siren island. ok more tears. xoxox



  11.  #11alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    when i said together and we i was referring to all the godesses on the island! alll of us together. 🙂



  12.  #12Daria on February 22, 2009 at 12:15 am

    OMG I feel so embarassed about the riff earlier I still feel like cringing thinking about it. And I want To LOVE my EMBARASSMENT AND CRINGING. This has got to be good for me. I sure hope so… I kinda picture this accepting our feelings kind of like minesweeper. You know that old computer game where you pick a square and hope it’s not a bomb? Well If you pick a square that’s not a whole big area opens up? Well I hope it works like that… I express a feeling or truth or sensation that feels horribly uncomfortable (aaah mortifiying) and then a whole sweep of the emotional minefield opens up to view (and safety).



  13.  #13alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 2:34 am

    i definitely see your bravery as an opening to a view and safety for you godess daria.



  14.  #14Daria on February 22, 2009 at 4:00 am

    thank you alias girl… unfortunately I kinda overdid it lol and am bouncing down right now so everytime I think of the blog I feel like blushing and feel embarassed…

    I am having fun looking at youtube videos and practicing dancing



  15.  #15Reshi on February 22, 2009 at 4:07 am

    If this wasn’t a night for triggering, I don’t know what is. #5 sounded great, wonderful, and attentive on the phone, but we decided to meet at a party, and well, he knew more people at said party than I did…so I got to be back in the space of going to parties with my husband and being largely ignored. D: D: D:

    You’ll be proud, I was a good little Rori follower, I ignored him back, flirted with at least 10 other men, when he did come to me or smile at me I was warm and open and lovely just like I was with all the others.

    Also, I’ve met someone who makes me feel exactly like M does. I’m deathly, horribly, attracted to him, and I feel it back from him to some extent…I am just going to enjoy the attraction and not try to do anything with him. If he tries to do anything with me, I’m fucked…



  16.  #16Daria on February 22, 2009 at 4:20 am

    Yay Reshi! Heheeee sounds FUN!!!



  17.  #17Maria on February 22, 2009 at 10:57 am

    Girls – can anyone help.l tried to create a profile in eharmony, but to my dissapointment, after answering millions of questions, there were no match, my question is wether l was doing something wrong or is this how it works there?
    lm feeling really hopeless. l went to see “he is just not that into you” and l felt lm the only one who noone really likes, yet, l still have some hope. what do you do guys, if there is nothing left? What steps do you make? l want to be like the one guys fall for but right now lm in step zero.



  18.  #18alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    hi maria. i tried eharmony years back and had a similar experience. they matched me with a guy across the state or something so i asked for a refund immediately.

    that was my experience with eharmony. hang in there maria. i feel very proud of you.



  19.  #19Katja on February 22, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Daria – I had to laugh about that minesweeper thing 🙂 I love it! And I never knew how to play it until almost two years ago I figured it out and then I couldn’t stop playing and got better and better and close to perfect. LOL

    And-at this time when I was playing this game I found Rori after I worked with Christian Carters ebook and now I am here and I just think its funny to read about that and think back how my journey started.

    It gets better everyday. I feel so much more confident and I can see the results (feels like crying now). WOW!

    Daria,you are on myspace you wrote. I am too. How can I find you there? I am so curious about you-all of you. I would like to meet you all in “real life”.

    Hugs and love,
    Katja



  20.  #20Reshi on February 22, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Daria, it’s not that much fun, this isn’t someone I met online so I know he wants to date me, it is someone I met in real life, so I don’t even know if he’s single. D: That is why I like online, it cuts out a lot of those questions. (I mean, they might still be in relationships anyway, but at least they are SAYING that they are single. You meet a man at a party or a bar, you don’t know a thing about him.

    In the past with a man like this I would have gotten super hung up, developed a crush, and let my feelings grow out of control until I just had to start leaning forward and doing things for him and putting myself into his life and asking him out. With a predictable result. It is very cool to be able to notice that I’m really attracted to someone and then just feel it, enjoy it, and do nothing.

    Damn…he is so pretty…makes me feel good just thinking about him. I’ll put him in my Rowboat tool or something, he will never know! 😉

    I feel icky about men in general, today I was sitting in class hoping that my date tonight would cancel, and lo and behold, he did! That felt like a relief. This man seems nice enough but I don’t want my time taken up. I want to have enough time left over for me. I feel like I’ve filled all my available time with a hundred men, but all 100 of them put together can’t give me what I want because I want ONE wonderful man who absolutely loves, desires, and cherishes me. Not a separate man for every function of relationship, which is what I have now. I want to feel like I’m worthy of that one wonderful man. I want to feel like that guy I’m really attracted to just thinks I’m adorable and wants to take me home with him. I am, after all. (That feels scary and egotistical. I feel scared that someone might say “no, you really aren’t adorable, and you’re full of yourself.” Feeling adorable would feel like being a cat. Like I could just sit there on the couch and KNOW that someone is going to come over and pet me, just because I’m me. That feels like melting in my shoulders, like the beginning of a wonderful faith in love. I feel like this will eventually happen in my new social circle, the more I keep showing up and people get to know me, I will start to get used to being hugged and stuff by men as well as women. It’s starting to happen, and that feels really good.



  21.  #21Daria on February 22, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Ok you guys MAJOR QUESTION!!! Rori are you here??? Can we please have a post on sexual exclusivity and how that would work??

    I feel so excited reading the long post, one of us is having wonderful success and has attracted a Fabulously attractive and stepping up man while circular dating when her old LI was acting wishy washy, non-commital, and not stepping up.

    She started a sexual relationship with her new man, and (OF COURSE) old LI has come running back and wants to talk about their relationship now and is freaking out about whether she’s sexually exclusive. She did not say anything to him, on one hand they had agreed to exclusivity, but had not been intimate in awhile while he was being wishy washy, on the other hand she feels (and I agree and feel quite proud of her for this) that it’s none of his business!

    So how does this sexual exclusivity thing work exactly? When your man is not stepping up? Shoulde we let them know we are no longer being exclusive? or what…

    I’ve wanted some clarification on this for a long time because I can imagine being in this situation and it feels confusing as far as circular dating?

    Rori… any advice? A post on this would feel Great.



  22.  #22Daria on February 22, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    PS the long post is the thousand 500 page post page under Ask your questions for Rori here heading.



  23.  #23Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    I feel completely sorrowful, and scared…I accepted a job offer and now I’m moving and it feels so scary, and I have to start on Wednesday, and I worry about what’s going to happen with my boyfriend, I felt so sad to say goodbye to him and my college friends, and as I left he said “I love you, miss.” It felt really good to hear that and now I’m feeling like okay, why didn’t you tell me that when I was around, or maybe you didn’t want to until you knew I was leaving, but then i feel guilty for judging him and I know it’s anger pinging around in me somewhere…I feel angry that I’ve accepted this job, and happy at the same time, that I can support myself, but angry that I have to move to a town that’s bigger than my college town but not huge, and I worry that there won’t be anyone to make friends with or guys there to pay attention to me…I feel scared that this guy I went to college with is there and he likes me and I have no interest in him…I feel scared and overwhelmed and I feel like I did something wrong by leaving, like I’m fucking my relationship over by leaving, and I want to love all this fear, I want to believe that it’s okay, that I can work through it, I WANT to feel confident about my decision, and that would feel like my tight back loosening up, and then tightening again, I love my tight back, it holds up my spine and keeps me from crumpling to the floor. I feel my breathe going more deeply into my belly, and then I feel good, kind of calm, I feel so regretful though, so sad and scared, I feel shaking in my stomach, and I feel guilty and weird…I love all the guilt and weirdness, and I love my awkwardness, I feel like I don’t deserve good things. I feel awful and frustrated for that ickiness to be hanging around, I feel so exhausted from all my changes, I feel love towards my resistance, I feel love for the shaking, I want to believe that this will all work out and I want to feel like there are all good things coming towards me…I feel tears in my eyes, it feels good to cry, to let it out…I feel better…I am going to go put together a new vision board for a new life and I feel grateful to whomever here reminded me of doing that, even though I’ve forgotten her name right now.



  24.  #24Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Like Daria, I feel that the sexual exclusivity conundrum is a complete mindfuck, no pun intended.



  25.  #25Sandy on February 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Maria,

    I have heard that eHarmony finds no matches for 10 or 20% of people who fill out the questionnaire! So it is not you! I haven’t tried it – I don’t qualify to join, as I am still legally married (but have been separated for 10 years – I know, it sounds weird) and separated is not allowed on eHarmony. I was on match, and I need to get back on, as I haven’t tried the circular dating thing and I know it would be good to do so.

    I have a question – how do you get rid of the guys you’re not attracted to? I found it very hard to tell a man I’d dated 3 times that I didn’t feel chemistry – I should have told him earlier. What is an example of a good feeling message for that? One of the reasons I haven’t circular dated is that I feel guilty about dating guys I wouldn’t be thinking of for the long term. Or do you end up only dating each guy once or twice? I suppose you get used to it after a few turn-downs?

    Thanks for your help and advice

    Sandy



  26.  #26Reshi on February 22, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    I tried eHarmony, not knowing that separated wasn’t allowed, and they let me go through the entire long questionnaire before telling me that I didn’t qualify because I was married. I felt angry.

    I find it very easy to get rid of men I’m not attracted to–I simply don’t respond to them at all. I don’t know if this is considered rude in dating etiquette, I feel that if I don’t respond at all it allows them to save a little face rather than having me write back and say “You’re a toad.” Every time that I have responded to a man I wasn’t attracted to, by saying something like “I don’t feel attraction,” they write back trying to convince me to change my mind. That feels annoying. It feels better to just let anyone and everyone write to me, and only write back to the ones I like.



  27.  #27alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    oooooooooh i just talked to this guy on the phone and it went really really well. and i was in touch with how i was feeling and did really well in sharing those feelings. he said one thing that was so seet (of course it made me cry. i felt too embarrassed to share that but i tried to tell him i felt touched and appreciative.) and i leaned back (had to really be conscious with this one because i have a tendency to want to drive the conversation. it’s an overcompensating behavior of mine to avoid feeling uncomfortable in social situations i just am constantly asking people questions just to keep the conversation going.) but i leaned back and he is a VERY SKILLED ROWER. mm i can tell. anyway he’s not getting any special treatment he’s just a guy (CUTE GUY!!) that is possibly in my rotation. aw. it felt so good.

    it’s nice to know that eharmony agrrees that i am in the 10-20% that’s hard to match. :0 honestly there are free sites you can join with TONS OF MEN (ah caps really? mistake there.) but plentyoffish has tons of men (at least in my city) and ti it’s Free.

    daria i feel pretty convinced roir erg spelling . that rori has covered the exclusivity thing in previous posts. i’m trying to remember what she siad. you can be exclusive with one guy and still let him know you are going to circular date til you find the relationship you are looking for.

    or maybe your question is different? it’s between two people. whatever they agree upon. then if someone goes and does something shady outside of what was agreed upon then it might be considered to be out of integrity with what that person’s words spoke as a promise. i don’t believe rori encourages that. but i’m not sure what you are talking about bc i don’t really readt that long post .

    sandy try out for yourself what feeling message feels best for you and what you want to communicate. ie. i feel really grateful i got the chance to know you but i don’t feel we would be a good match. i don’t wish to pursue this with you anymore. write out all your feelings then pick what you want to say. (ok that last part was a directive. meddler abilities are well developed. i feel confident i will improve in my abilities to NOT Meddle.



  28.  #28Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I feel really triggered, he called me when I was driving and maybe a new boundary of mine will be don’t answer phone when driving for safety reasons and also because I feel scattered and distracted and I said I was going to the store and he said oh okay just calling to say hi, want to call me when you get home? and I said yes and here I am not calling him but blogging because I feel nervous…I worry whenever I don’t use a feeling message in a way I think is right, and then go right back to judging…like oh, you didn’t do good feeling messages, and then I figured out worrying about feeling messages is just another way I go to trying to control instead of being surprised…because if I worry then I’m focusing on HIM instead of how it is supposed to affect ME. A Feeling message is supposed to Express my deepest truth in the moment, not trigger some kind of response in him that I WANT. That’s trying to control. I can’t control, I can’t, can’t can’t, and that feels really frustrating, like if I let go everything will spin away from me and my life goes up in the air like Dorothy’s house in The Wizard of Oz, and that feels scary, and that feels like soreness in the inside of my mouth from where I sometimes bite my lip out of anxiety, and that feels bad, and it feel sore, I want to feel calm and good and relaxed when I call him back,

    AND I feel soooooo regretful that just when I was starting to relax and be able to be myself around him and he was responding and we were laughing together and having fun, I go and get a job and have to leave!!! That feels like out of control, and that makes me MAD, mad mad mad mad mad, I feel so angry, I feel so scared that I’ve screwed it up…but I WANT it to be a good thing, I want to trust God and the Universe that this is what I need, and if he is meant to be with me, now or in the future, it will all work out fine and I want to believe and I want to feel good about it, and that feels like crying, but hopeful crying, I want to feel good, feeling good about my decision feels like numbness, just nothing in my stomach, I want to be gentle with myself, I want to ease into my new place of being, I want to give myself all the time in the world to let my system go as fast as it needs to…I want to feel relaxed and confident about my relationship, and I want to feel like there is nothing but good things ahead for us, I want to feel happy that I have a job that I can use my degree with and that will allow me to support myself and maybe even pay for a new car! Well, a used car but new to me…that feels good! I feel happy and I want to feel happy and that feels like a shiny silver lining in my stomach, like a good, happy place, and I want to let this happy place grow, let the silver grow and line my entire body, all my blood vessels, and let it just shine and glow in icy perfection. I feel like my confidence is quiksilver that flows through my veins and feeds my organs, and that feels powerful, and that also feels like a twisting in my stomach because I feel like I don’t deserve to feel powerful or have good things just come to me and that I have to work really hard and who do you think you are to believe that you can break through the ceiling of happiness and contentment? I feel dissatisfied because I feel mistrustful when there isn’t something weird going on and something throwing me off…if it isn’t triggering me and making me feel like crap, it must be something I don’t want…but maybe it’s the opposite? Instead of feeling weird about things going well with NO drama, what if I could feel good about the good things? That feels strange, like my nose wrinkling up…I WANT to feel and be at PEACE with good things, let the beauty and happiness of my life sit in stillness and grow and be okay with it! I want to feel good about feeling good! That makes me laugh out loud and then I’m crying, I want to be at peace with where I am now because it’s perfect in its own way, I intend to believe that it’s perfect, I want to have good things!!! I feel good now, I’m going to thank myself for being me, thank you body for being what you are and for carrying me through life and thank you heart for being open even when it’s scary and for being so brave to be open and vulnerable and thank you brain for giving me and allowing me to achieve everything that I have in my life and I love that there are so many great places you are going to take me, so many stories to come up with and beautiful things to create…I feel so thankful for my role as a creator in life, and I feel so fortunate to have my feelings to guide me, I feel so thankful for my gut and for it never leaving me stranded, and I feel bad for getting confused sometimes, but it feels patient with me, and it is my north star pulling me towards the good things, even when my brain objects…I feel good and peaceful and ready to call my boyfriend back.



  29.  #29Daria on February 22, 2009 at 8:56 pm

    I feel confused about sexual exclusivity. I feel reallly confused about it I do I do. Like if you agree to sexual exclusivity but your man is not stepping up and you want to have sex with a new man — how do you approach this?

    And what if you DID go for it and it felt wonderful and now your old man wants you back and you still like him too?

    Because this is what’s going on with the success story Goddess on the long post.

    Should I require to have sexual exclusivity from him ? Does that mean I should give it too? What if I don’t want sexual exclusivity right now? What if I want to experiment sexually but might want sexual exclusivity in the future…

    Can we discuss sexual exclusivity more directly here and why you always say that it’s very important? It would feel good to have more insight and clarity…



  30.  #30alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    it feels like you are excited about something to do with some sort of outcome someone had by breaking their promise of being sexual exclusive with their partner. and now the partner is being triggered and reacting in a way that is giving the person the desired attention she had desired all along?

    i feel uncomfortable with how a situation like that might feel for me. i feel scared. i feel really scared. i feel confident in this moment (hey anything can change when it comes to feelings) but in this moment i feel confident that is not a situation i would want to create for myself. but i feel supportive of every goddesses journey. i feel grateful for all the shared experiences on this blog.



  31.  #31alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    i feel very good about bethany riffing into a good place before calling her boyfriend back. i feel very excited about her job offer and move (congratulations!)

    i feel curious if the distance might actually be good for what is between them.



  32.  #32Sandy on February 22, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Thank-you Reshi and Alias Girl!

    Great question, Daria, I look forward to the replies about it



  33.  #33Daria on February 22, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Ok Alias Girl not exactly… she just posted on the long post. I feel uncomfortable saying that she “broke” sexual exclusivity with a “partner.” She was pre-Rori dating a man that was not stepping up. She leaned back, circular dated, let the man know she was circular dating which he reacted by saying he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to be involved anymore.

    She now met a very attractive man (meanwhile the other guy was still not stepping up) and became involved with him, and NOW the old man is coming back and asking her where she stands…

    I feel (super) excited because it feels so thrilling for me that she met a man she feels connected to that is stepping up, and that the previous man is not also attempting to step up.

    And yes I agree it would feel scary If I were in the situation.



  34.  #34alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    daria i feel the same thrill and excitement in having more than one man trying to claim me!1 which is why i always fantasize about all my exes coming back at the same time. (which actually might happen.which is why i actually give mind energy to who would i choose and can i marry them all.)

    i am all on board for that. it almost feels like that’s how nature intended it. (at least for me it feels that way!) however i come from chaos in my background and get a jolt out of chaos so is it healthy or good for me? i don’t know.

    i just FOR MYSELF would never feel comfortable deceiving someone. ok i TAKE THAT BACK. bc whenever i use the word never i en d up eating my words. blech. i would PREFER to have my men battling for me with me being honest with all of them the whole way through. and YOU get to decide daria who and when adn for how long you are exclusive with someon. in my opinion. and they get to agree or disagree or you guys get to negotiate terms that you both agrre to regarding exclusivity.

    i feel excited by it too and am not really clear about what i want but i will just take it as it comes i guess and figure it out. thanks for bringing it up. i feel my excitement that comes with chaos and drama in regards to romantic relationships. 🙂



  35.  #35Daria on February 22, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    aha… I feel strengthened by Alias Girl’s declaration that

    “YOU get to decide daria who and when adn for how long you are exclusive with someon. in my opinion. and they get to agree or disagree or you guys get to negotiate terms that you both agrre to regarding exclusivity.”

    So the idea would be to let the man know that you are no longer sexually exclusive with him.

    BTW the Goddess who’s story I’m referring to has not deceived her man but chose to not answer for the moment the question, and her man had strong emotional reactions because he does not know whether or not she is. She did not say she is or not or tell him that she is. Which I feel is quite brave and cool.

    I kinda also feel that if a past lover of mine decided to act wishy washy and ignore me and act unsure of wether he wants to sleep with me I would not want to feel obligated to discuss with him from that point forward whether I decided to be sexual with another man or not. I might not want to share something like that unless I wanted to be sexual with Him again, perhaps.



  36.  #36alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    yeah f that. if there was no agreement between tthem and he wasn’t stepping up. all’s fair.

    i wouldn’t even answer the guy. it’s not any of his business. how is it his business?

    i feel amused.



  37.  #37alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    i feel smitten with referring to each other as goddesses. like in the nunnery they refer to each other as sisters. and here on siren island we refer to each other as godesses. 🙂 <3



  38.  #38Daria on February 22, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    lol ok Im feeling a little overwhelmed and uncomfortable discussing the details of this… I feel a little drained I have a lot of energy (from being angry and triggerd with my family today) and I could possibly work on making posters for my business but guess what I don’t want to.

    anyways… said Goddess stated that there was a mutual agreement to sexual exclusivity while she was dating said man, but once she found Rori’s tools and said man was not stepping up (in fact I think he had kind of dropped out of contact for awhile when she said she would circular date) she started circular dating and met Mr. sexy. Who seems like a Makani for her. I would encourage you guys to read her post it is one of the last ones on the Long Post. I don’t feel comfortable repasting it here myself.

    I will perhaps use my energy to practice dancing. I feel kind of worried because I have not been picking up my phone for some men or answering their messages the past two days, I feel overwhelmed by my own emotions and was also sick with a cold … I do feel like it would feel nice to have a fun conversation or date now that I feel better.



  39.  #39Bethany on February 22, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    I feel good that alias girl acknowledged me, thank you! I feel good about having a “real” job with benefits-yay for 401(k)s?-and I feel scared about moving, and I also feel excited that this could be exactly what I need. I feel grateful that it’s actually a project commitment of about a year and a half, so I don’t have to worry about planting myself somewhere I can never leave…and I can live simply and save something…I feel excited to start working out a budget for myself…I feel sad about leaving my boyfriend but it felt pretty good to talk to him tonight, I forgot about “monitoring” how my leaning back is “working” and kept my hand on my thigh to ground myself, and he said he is excited to come visit me, so that feels good…I want to concentrate on myself and not get off my bridge and worry about him….I want to concentrate on my own life, so tonight, I am going to take a bath and then go to bed and get up at 6 a.m. to get on a better sleep schedule…that’s my new schedule, 6 a.m. every morning, no naps if I can help it, bed after 9 p.m. whenever I start to feel tired. Maybe no bath tonight, just sleep…I feel okay right now? Maybe? And feeling okay feels weird…like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop…it will not drop, it will not drop, I am fine, I can feel fine, I can be successful and have a new normal, and maybe it’s okay to feel good, most of the time, are people like that? I know it’s not “normal” to be really high up all the time but if you’re pretty down most of the time, why can’t you live higher up? What if normal really could be super happy? That would feel great. Why not? To feel happy as a BASELINE would be awesome! That would feel like energy and light and singing…I want to learn how to sing, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do…I feel tired now, and ready for bed.



  40.  #40Reshi on February 22, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Hehe…I feel amused that Makani has fallen into general usage among the Goddesses here. I feel a little jealous too. Lol. Then again, there are enough wonderful imaginary men on this island for each of us to have as many as she wants. Always a new one crashing on the rocks.

    With the sexual exclusivity situation, that would feel scary to me too. I don’t know what I would do or whether it’s his business, it is a sticky situation. I know that if I stopped having sex with a man, that would mean stopping the relationship.

    I’m feeling something like “I’m feeling uncomfortable. I felt like I was no longer IN a relationship with you, so sexual exclusivity feels moot.”

    Or, well, if it were me, since I have no shame, I would say, “Yes, there is someone else,” and let the old LI fall by the wayside if he can’t forgive.



  41.  #41Reshi on February 22, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    Also, I feel so happy about Bethany’s job and move–and all the shifts with the boyfriend! And what a lovely riff. I feel so good when I see a Goddess move through all those scary feelings with so much grace.



  42.  #42Maria on February 23, 2009 at 4:35 am

    Here is what concerns me. Looking for my past and not having very loving relationships and not being the one, makes me wonder, wether circular dating really is the answer. Getting my card filled with men who, again, does not want me, brings even more pain into my life. Does anyone have comment about it?



  43.  #43nir on February 23, 2009 at 7:37 am

    You all should try OKCupid, you can be married and be on there. There are a lot of fun tests, too.

    Maria, look at the post a few weeks ago about frogs and the message they are giving you. What are all these men who aren’t interested teaching you or showing you?

    I have a confession. A year or so ago my husband and I talked and decided opening our marriage might be a good thing. He did not love me and did not care, and I did (!) but felt I needed someone who did too. So I have been looking. The leaning back part is SOOOO hard though. Learning to lean back is helping everything.

    Online I’ve been getting people too old and too young and too short (height-wise, I’m tall and short men don’t interest me). Today I’m wondering what their message is. Why am I getting what I don’t want?



  44.  #44Daria on February 23, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I feel like I am running around in circles I have so much energy but not exactly in a good way although Almost. I have decided to go to acupuncture , I used to go often when I was working and it really helped me, now I am going to sleep late and waking up feeling tired and hot and grouchy and I feel like I can get that balanced at acupuncture.

    Im feeling all frowny pouty, I feel overwhelmed and I also feel stuck… I feel NUTS. I feel like I am being too pushy giving advice even though I am using feel messages !!! I feeel HOT and beating heart,,, I feel ANGRY although not really more like irritable, I feel like my hormones want more balance…

    I feel sad..

    I feel ok… I feel like it would feel really good to grab the computer under my arm, jump out the window (landing on my feet) and go bounding up the street somewhere — why ? I don’t know! I feel like a strong monkey… lol…



  45.  #45alias girl on February 23, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    i feel confident goddess daria will find her way out of her icky feelings.

    i feel very very lucky to have goddess daria here on siren island. you contribute so much and i am forever grateful for you beauty, honesty and bravery.

    you helped me so much with the circular dating recently. and even just all your comments feel very helpful.

    i feel loving. 🙂



  46.  #46Daria on February 23, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Yay Alias girl thank you! I feel So good now coming back from acupuncture. I feel absolutely BEAMING.

    I also did EFT on “I never have to suffer about money again” last night, and I did a really thorough job to where I felt really good. I also tapped in that I will naturally surprisingly and intuitively take the steps that I need/want to in support of this new belief.

    So perhaphs that’s what determined me to go to acupuncture. A friend of mine (my friend’s uncle) offered to give me 100 dollars, and although this morning I didn’t really want to take it because I felt it was inappropriate, shameful, and not good, now I will (and like he said I have let him borrow money in the past).

    ALSO… I decided to go to hypnotherapy sessions to work on my business, procrastination, perfectionism, overwhelm and not finishing things. I had noticed that a hypnotherapist worked at the clinic where my acupuncturist works. So today I really got her card, called her and made an appointment. She said she could definitely help me, sounded very confident, kind and knowledgeable and I feel BLESSED. I have an appointement at 10 am. I let her know I thought I only have enough for one session, and since she said it’s very important I do 3 weeks she dropped the price. I also feel confident I will come up with the money (My new belief kicking in!!) and may even ask my friend if instead of just giving me 100 dollars he can let me Borrow 300. Either way I know I will be able to pay for it because…. I NEVER HAVE TO SUFFER ABOUT MONEY AGAIN. yipee…!!

    The hypnotherapist said to prepare for amazing changes and that her clients say they are a new person and that she likes to go to the root of the problem and do “weed pulling” of root problems and that frees up energy and other talents and strenghts. I am so excited. I have so many talents and strenghts I want to develop but feel afraid to like drawing singing, healing people, etc. I feel so excited but in a relaxed wonderful way.

    My psyche has now decided to bring up thoughts of conflict and perhaps they will be healed too. For example the conflict between wanting to get revenge for something terrible (like say someone close to you being murdered) and wanting to be forgiving and loving. My psyche wants this reconciled. It also wants issues of judging certain groups of people as bad stupid annoying and not as good reconciled. Thank you psyche.



  47.  #47Daria on February 23, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    I meant I have an appoitment at 10 am Wednesday. I will let you guys know how it goes!



  48.  #48Daria on February 23, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Ooh I found something cool in a e-mail I got from Sylvia Hartmann who invented Emotrance (and a lot of cool magic stuff too).

    she said…

    “stress – the generous word for BEING TERRIFIED!”

    I feel so openmouthed awed and resonating with that… stress is really the feeling of being terrified! Except I guess I feel it so often I don’t fully engage it and call it simply stress. Wow!



  49.  #49Daria on February 23, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Ok I feel a little embarassed but I now foudn ANOTHER quote on TWITTER … not sure as to the author

    “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes u come alive, & go do it.Bcause what world needs is people who have come alive.”

    This SO resonates with me!!! That is ssoo cool. I always want to give the world what it needs and that is such a good way to focus on self and fulfill that at the same time. My “yeah but” voice ( from Rori’s interview with Susan Birmingham which by the way I felt so empowered by) says… yeah but what makes you come alive is being around other people or near the guy you like so taht is not all up to you. Thank you yeah but voice … evidently I do not completely agree with Susan because I did just write out my yeah but. However… I love my yeah but voice. I love everything right now lol. And I realize that I CAN do what makes me come alive, I CAN Be around other people and feel connected if that’s what makes me come alive and that there ARE UNLIMITED INFINITY number of things or VERBS that make me come alive! LIke this blog… and Like smiling… and EFT… and dancing… and swinging around the house yelling out yeaaapeeee…. lol



  50.  #50Daria on February 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Don’t Talk About Emotions, Talk About Feelings – How You Can Be Understood And Cared For Too
    by Silvia Hartmann

    Men are from Mars and women are from Venus when it comes to talking about feelings and emotions – hardly! It is a fact though that women use language differently to describe their feelings and emotions, to a point where a man doesn’t understand any longer what they are talking about and switches off altogether, gives up even trying. Here is a very easy, brand new way to talk about emotions in such a way that even a man – yes, even a totally unemotional man! – will be able to understand you … and possibly even start to take care of your real emotional needs.

    There is one way, the common, standard, pop psychology way of talking about emotions, and that is using metaphor and labels and a whole mountain of words that jumble one into the other:

    “Oh I’m so upset! I really don’t know how you can make me feel so bad in front of the neighbours – especially after what I told you last week about how I need you to emotionally support and socially enable me, so I can build trust and we can come to a whole new level of togetherness …”

    Gee …

    Now let’s back up for a moment.

    We have a lady here who is, clearly, really upset. And something happened during a party perhaps where the husband said something, or didn’t say something, and that’s also real.

    What the husband needs here to make sense of it all is for the lady in question to state the actual problem AND HER REAL FEELINGS simply and accurately, so that he has any hope in hell to be able to respond.
    When I say, “state her real feelings accurately” I do not mean even more convoluted labels or metaphorical descriptions of “feeling like you pulled the rug out from under me” and “sinking into shame and abandonment”, but about how all and any of that REALLY ACTUALLY FEELS.

    In EmoTrance, we have this key question as we ask, “Where do you feel that emotion in your body?”

    Where does that lady feel her “so upset”? And more importantly, HOW does she feel it?

    If we ask her, she thinks for a moment, because this isn’t her natural way of communicating, but then manages to make the switch and explain that her head is really hot and throbbing, her throat and stomach feel tight and hard, and there is a noticeable trembling all through her body.

    That’s real.

    The husband may say, if the “upset” is explained in these terms, “Wow. That’s – heavy! And all of that because of something I said earlier?!”

    “Yeah,” says the wife. “There is something that happens to me and it starts up like that, I feel … ahm, I feel real pain in my stomach when you say you don’t like my cooking.”

    “Really? Pain?”

    “Yes. Stabbing pain. It hurts, right here.” She points to the place where she feels the pain.

    “Wow … I had no idea …”

    Now, not all husbands, obviously, will be loving and supportive enough to then go on and, if this is offered to them, help make it better. But a lot of men, if the problem is explained correctly and precisely, will be more than willing to do whatever it takes to make their wife happy again.

    “What can I do?”

    “You could come over here and put your hand on where it hurts. Hmmm… that’s better. And please, don’t do it again. Please don’t hurt me.”

    “Wow. I’m sorry, I didn’t know … I had no idea …” Embraces and kisses wife …

    With a bit of practice, it makes a lot of sense to talk about emotions like that. Instead of saying, “I’m depressed …” or “I’m under the weather …” or “Oh I can’t be bothered …” to describe the ACTUAL PHYSICAL SENSATIONS which happen to be present at the time, has many benefits.

    For example, to say, “My head is hot and it hurts,” rather than, “The kids are driving me crazy again!” opens the door for all manner of interventions, plus on top it gives a lot of information as what to do, and what not to do.

    If someone says that their head is hot and hurts, you’re not going to start yelling at the top of your lungs – you NATURALLY AND AUTOMATICALLY know what to do, even if you’re not a neurosurgeon by trade.

    “Here, sit down. Put a cold flannel on your head for a moment and put your feet up … would you like a cup of tea?”

    With accurate information, even so-called emotionless husbands can act and do the right things to make someone feel better. Not just husbands, but even very young children can understand and take action, and this produces for a person who has learned to talk like that a whole lot of support that was never there before – and often from the most unlikely of people!

    Talking directly about the feelings in the body rather than talking emotion talk, pop psychology style, with all that judgement and blame and shame and so forth, has another major advantage.

    It gives people who are said to be incapable of talking about their emotions a way to communicate about their REAL feelings.
    Even a teenager can learn to say when they are feeling a pain in their chest, or a churning in their stomach; that their legs feel heavy or their hands won’t move properly, or are cold, or hot, or trembling.

    Those are the REAL emotions, direct, there can be no mistake, and there is no need to label them, or judge someone for having them.

    An ex-General can learn to tell his wife when he is feeling stiff and cold, and his breathing is difficult – hey, most people would call that “being afraid”, but we don’t have to, and it doesn’t do any good to call it that, or anything else, for that matter – it changes nothing.

    If the General says he is stiff and cold and he has trouble breathing, there is no “shame” in his wife making him a hot drink, sitting him down, rubbing his hands and his back, or doing one of many possible things “to make him feel better”.

    From this simple, factual explanation of how he feels, he can accept someone helping him – which isn’t possible once you engage all the words and labels.

    And so in most cases, it turns out that men have feelings after all – they always had them, even the ones who were said to be so unemotional, or emotionally challenged, or emotionally illiterate, or backward, or even autistic.

    They do feel THE SAME things – the cold hands, the churning in the stomach, the pain in the heart, the throbbing head, the burning eyes, the heavy legs, the deep trembling in the center, the shivers down the back and all the rest of it!

    What a revelation!

    I was once present when a husband and wife of some 30 years tried this way of talking about their feelings for the first time. The wife described one of her emotions in that strictly physical way, and the husband jumped from the chair and literally shouted, “YOU FEEL THAT TOO? I thought it was only me – and I was crazy!”

    And there it was – the common ground between men and women, the emotional and the unemotional, and it wasn’t Mars and Venus anymore, but two human people, right here on Planet Earth, for the first time being able to compare notes on how they REALLY FELT.

    It isn’t difficult to talk about emotions – just drop the labels and try and describe what you feel in your body, without metaphors, just simply what is there.

    When you do that, the other person – and it really doesn’t matter much who they are! – begins to understand what it’s like inside for you, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS as you do.

    It’s a fabulous way, a very simple way to a whole new level of communication and true understanding, especially in family relationships – and all you have to do is to remember to drop the labels, and don’t talk about your emotions – talk about your feelings instead.

    Jan 8, 2009 by Silvia Hartmann



  51.  #51Daria on February 23, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    Oh MY GOD I Am feeling just overwhelmed with joy my eyes are tearing up.

    Rori here’s an article I feel Resonates with your work powerfully and also incorporates energy work:

    http://emotionsandfeelings.com/curing_a_crush_with_emotrance.htm

    I am wondering what you think about not needing feeling labels (I know you encourage us to follow the physical sensations in the power and self esteem) and not really using metaphors… I think metaphors are not used in this energy process simply to make it more streamlined, I feel metaphors are very soothing and delightful and a great way of communicationg with ourselves.

    I really feel so HOPEFUL reading this article when she says:

    ‘There is no need any longer to get to age 87 and still declare that the “only person I ever loved broke my heart when I was 14 and I have never loved again …”‘

    THIS is my FEAR that I feel so much heartache and desperation when I hear a sad song or Rori’s story about dreaming of a past lover. I feel SOOOOOOOOOO floating and laughing and utter RELIEF to know that I can prevent it. I am so glad for Rori’s work and also

    this article I quoted has taught me a new way to Emotrance (melt and flow the sensations inside myself) that is combined with riffing. Before I would try to melt them with my mind by Telling them to flow, or else I would riff by telling them I love them, and both worked. However when I put my hands up (which felt uncomfortable before when trying to “melt” the sensation) to my jaw, which is where I was feeling the tension… and used my hands to GIVE LOVE to my jaw, I felt my hands coming closer, immediate goodness and melting,,, and started giggling and laughing! OH it felt so good. I feel so good.

    I feel a little bit worried that I am putting too much info in at once to be absorbed because this is my 6th or 7th post in a row. It would feel great to have you guys be able to share this and this good feeling with me.



  52.  #52Daria on February 23, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    7th post LOL!!!

    I really want to share this… remember how I was saying that I EFT’d that I’ll never have to suffer about money again?

    Well… a tutoring company I used to work with just called me out of the blue right now…

    They have 2 students for me, 2 hours per week each, set for 10 weeks. Which is awesome because I can schedule them 2 hours each or one after the other 1 hour (they are sisters) which is what I want to do for my company as well so as not to have too short a session. ALSO… this is really aligned with my because I really want to work with disadvantaged kids and these girls are foster care children! It turns out the company has an agreement with the foster care system. I feel so grateful.

    Also this will provide me an income of 100 dollars per week which I believe pretty much covers my basic monthly bills. UM. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!! My eyes are tearing up right now…

    I do feel a little annoyed because after sharing with my mom she asked me what about the other companies I used to work with and I felt kind of pressured. That is ok though. In this moment I just realized and FEEL GRATEFUL to feel triggered on pressure because I really want to grow in being comfortable with that emotion. Thank you UNIVERSE AGAIN>!!!



  53.  #53Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Daria, HOLY CRAP.

    If someone had explained this to me, in the words you’ve just posted, 6 years ago, I believe I would still be in an incredibly loving, passionate marriage with the man I’m currently leaving. I feel a hot, melting sensation down my back and a heavy ball in my face, like I want to cry but can’t. I feel an uncomfortable weight in my vagina.
    Regret’s a bitch. I’m making the best of my situation as it currently is, but this post has me completely floored. My back and shoulders feel like they are on fire. The tears are coming closer to my eyes. This is EVERYTHING I EVER needed to know and it is too late, and now I will spend the rest of my life knowing intellectually how to have a good loving relationship, but will never experience one.
    I want to feel the kind of positive peace and assurance I feel when I look into M’s eyes on my vision board. His ancient gaze tells me there’s not a damn thing to worry about, and makes me feel all open and warm and vulnerable and melty and naked. I want to feel that in my body. That would feel like opening in my breastbone–unzippered heart, stepping back, feeling my energy field opened and penetrated by his loving energy, that openness and lightness in my body.

    This is going to be a long f’n riff, I can feel it.

    I feel a vague heavy sensation in my head, shallow breathing. Deep breathing intensifies it. I love that unpleasant, heavy feeling, that scared feeling, that closed-up feeling. I honor that feeling. I honor the ocean of tears that I can’t cry, and my weak, scared inability to cry them. I love the dullness and heaviness of it all. it represents an area for growth, a deep, endless ocean that I will someday explore. Somewhere in here, there is a twinkle of excitement to explore those depths, and I love the excitement, the courage, and the ability I have to explore them.

    I still feel that heaviness in my head, and annoyance that the heaviness is there. The annoyed part of me wants to get through this Riff so that I can prove I’m an expert Riffer like Daria. Just get through it already! There is a layer of impatience and competitiveness here, which I love, it’s awesome of me to be impatient and competitive. I want to win the trophy for first place in Riffing and be called a goddess and admired by everyone on this blog. I want to make my dance debut and be admired by the crowds who come to see me. I feel excited about performing this weekend! And I love that excitement for the 2 seconds it lasted. I feel the fucking ball in my head even stronger and more fearful now. How dare you get admiration? How dare you even want it? When they find out, you’ll be beaten so hard you won’t be able to stand. They will break your legs, cut off your fingers, permanently damage your body.

    Wow. Yeah. I was threatened with that regularly during childhood. That trauma is living in my cells, even when I know intellectually that the person who threatened me would never lay a finger on me, and that making such threats is simply a common and widespread child-rearing practice in my culture and everyone just learns to get over it.

    I believe such treatment is wrong and worse than hitting. And somehow I have nothing against the person who did it because he treats me with love and respect now. But I want that trauma out of my body. Rori, Alias Girl, is this a situation where Emily’s services would help?



  54.  #54Linda on February 23, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Okay I hate to change the subject but it kinda is still the subject. I took some advise from this post and signed up at plenty of fish. wow.. such a difference from match and eharmony. I have been on both the paid sites since January. I have never once gotten any response or requests for communication at eharmony such a disappointment. Match.. a bit of activity there but mostly cold silence there from the men on that site.

    I know some of you are out there on these sites. I read your posts out here and have come to enjoy and appreciate many of you. This site has been so helpful to me and it continues to challange me and cause me to grow and understand myself better. I find myself wishing I could see what you wonderful ladies look like so I could a face with the goddess. Wish there is a way we could do that if we wanted. At any rate. when I signed up on plentoffish… I got 5 emails within 30 minutes. WOW… and to think it was free. One of the fellows is really a cutie and am awaiting a reply from him. Thanks for the tip and all your help out here gals.

    Linda



  55.  #55alias girl on February 23, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    i feel unsure. I feel confident speaking only of my own experience.

    I have been following my feelings after being triggered now and they do seem to stem from feeling “threatened”. it could be a threat to my ego, my identity, the way i view myself, the way i want others to view me. it could be a potential threat to my physical safety. it could be a threat of loss (of a man’s affection, of a job, my home, material things). it could be a threat to my self esteem.

    but everytime in the past few days when i have really just stayed with what was going on with me, it was i felt Threatened somehow.

    also, i agree pretty much with what that silvia woman says. it feels pretty much the same as what rori says except different presentation. and sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to really get it. for me, when i first started rori’s tools i could barely identify a feeling that was happening in the moment. even happy, sad, tentative, scared etc.

    labels i guess as silvia called them. i had to start there. then once i could do that i could start feeling what was in my body. i feel tense in my forehead etc. things like that. even still, i stuck a lot with sad, happy, glad etc. also i had/have a lot of feelings that had to do with my mind. ie i feel interested.

    when i went to go see emily it took at least half the session for me to even be in her presence AND in my body at the same time. AND THEN I FELT WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY BODY. and it was mostly just TENSE. EXTREMELY TENSE.

    but it took time for me to get it. and then the days following i have been trying to be in my body. I still do not feel i am completely in touch but i have found a more relaxed state to reside in. OMG. I don’t think i have ever been as NON TENSE/relaxed as i am these past days. not as a kid, not ever. i was always in hypervigilance, super protective mode.

    so if there is trauma trapped in my body. then having this new awareness and state of non tenseness will probably allow it to release.

    i am not 100% convinced there is trauma trapped in my body (bc i feel good today. hehe. ask me about the day i first spoke with emily and there was all this weird releasing going on. )

    but I am curious enough to keep going with emily. and i feel so grateful i have all the money and support and wealth and abundance to do all i desire NOW. In this present moment I am completely satiated in all areas of my life and feel grateful.

    So would emily help, reshi? i feel confident that her work certainly will not hurt. and you can try her one time and see how you FEEL.

    i feel so excited that daria shared something that really resonated with you regarding this work. i feel excited about people discovering their feelings and coming home to themselves in their bodies. bc it is such a yum place to be. mmmmyummmmmm. 🙂

    i feel hopeful.



  56.  #56Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Well, since right now all I have is this blog I’m going to continue my riff…

    I feel love penetrating my energy field at the level of my solar plexus. Or rather, felt it, for about two seconds, and it felt hot and sexy and awesome. I feel it penetrating further, down into my belly. Wanting to open up my vagina, open up everything in my pelvis. Man, I feel like spreading my legs as wide as they go….but I’m at work so that’s not going to happen. But it feels naughty and sexy and hot and makes me want to smile. Wow. I feel so alive now, that sexual heat rising up my spine. I love it. That scared feeling in my head was gone for a moment and then came back. I want to strike every pornographic pose in the book, get photographed, and wallpaper my room with the pictures! LOL. Oh that felt hot and awesome and the fear is so much smaller now. I want to get out on the dance floor and just shake it, and let out the raw, animal energy, and be SEEN. And then touched. And the hell with the consequences. This is what my body wants, and thinking of it feels good and raises my energy. It does not make me a whore. Sexual energy, fired up and allowed to remain within and energize my body, makes me a Goddess. It makes me more beautiful and luminous and translucent and glowy. Oh fuck yeah! I feel like I got this riff right…lol.



  57.  #57Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Thanks AG for the response. I feel excited about your excitement! I feel like dancing with all the Goddesses on the great cosmic dance floor. I feel like leaning back in my chair and just letting M climb on top of me and do whatever he’s going to do to me. I feel like I SHOULD be more embarrassed about this than I am, like a quality woman would be embarrassed and so I must be of lesser quality, easy, a whore, whatever. I’m not easy, I’m outrageously difficult! And yet not impossible. Yes, I talk freely about sex, but how many people get to have it with me? None lol. You’ve got to be pretty fabulous to get access to Reshi. 😀



  58.  #58Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Daria! I feel so inspired by everything you wrote, I feel delighted by your multi-posts and I loved the Hartmann article…I want to give Reshi a big hug…I want to jump up and down and scream with Daria about her tutoring success, I feel really really happy for you! I feel so excited for Reshi’s “sexy” riff…I want to jump up and down and scream with her too, and dance…I feel so excited to see everyone finding more and more feelings…that makes me want to cry and I don’t know why, I just feel so validated reading everyone’s riffs and comments…I feel excited for Linda branching out to plenty of fish…I feel just warm and smiley for everyone, and I feel hopeful for myself, I got a book today about the Sedona Method, which is totally what Rori talks about, letting your feelings exist as they are because they are like soap bubbles, and asking the question “Am I willing to let this feeling be?” feels good for me, in this really strange time.



  59.  #59Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I feel excited about the releasing that I read tonight, because that was what I felt I was working on earlier today…I feel really triggered and silly about being triggered about my boyfriend calling but me missing his call and then him not leaving a message…I feel disappointed and also confused…we kind of said we’d talk everyday, but didn’t set up parameters now that we’re “long distance,” and I have to sit on my hands to keep from calling him…he didn’t ask me to call back…I feel sad that he didn’t care enough to leave a message…I feel frustrated! CAN WE REALLY NEVER CALL A MAN??!! I want someone to tell me I can, but then I don’t know, I want him to call me and leave me messages…I don’t know what to do, I feel pissed off and tired of being so triggered…I feel upset and sad and I’m so scared that I’m screwing it all up by not calling him ever. Is that unfair? I don’t know, is it stupid rules I’m imposing on myself? I don’t know, I feel numb and also tingly in my shoulder blades, in a bad, sharp, needly way, I feel so fucking frustrated and I feel like stomping my goddamn feet all over this house…I want to feel excited but I don’t I feel ANNOYED that this guy from college texts me like 10 times a day but my boyfriend or maybe I should call him my “boyfriend” calls once and doesn’t leave a message…fuck…I feel like driving 5 hours to his place just to flip him off and then get back in my car…I wish I could be as blase about him as I am about this guy who I’m not attracted to…I want to release my anger though…it feels like a pain in my heart…I don’t know why its not working!!!! I feel so frustrated, so in my head, I feel sick about it and I feel so mad, and I feel numb, I want to call him really bad but I don’t know what to do…whenever I would call him I always felt worse and attached..it feels bad to be attached, I don’t know…this all feels so silly, but if you’re in a relationship shouldn’t two people do the work? I don’t know…when I call someone and don’t leave a message it’s because I don’t really want to talk all that much, so I guess he doesn’t really want to talk to me, and I feel so bad that I can’t stop leaning forward with my thoughts and STOP THINKING about him, I NEED to start my goddamn job and get my apartment set up and get into something else like sewing lessons or singing lessons or volunteering at the pet shelter or I don’t know, something, volunteering at the library, exercising, online shopping, healing myself, reading fun books, getting Netflix, I don’t know, I feel really attached and also kind of pissed and also relieved that I am not IN THAT TOWN where he can just have access to me whenever he wants…I am doing my own thing now, and I am a Siren In Training, a Goddess In Training, a Bitchy Diva In Training, and I am soooo nervous about meeting new people and I want to feel RELIEVED and PASSIONATE about my new life, so many new things to discover, so many people to meet, places to go, things to do, I am going to treat my “boyfriend” like he is just one other guy drifting through my life and if he doesn’t leave a message he doesn’t get a call back, nobody does, that’s my new rule. You’ve kept me enslaved long enough, cell phone.



  60.  #60alias girl on February 23, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    aw linda your post must have shown up later. i almost missed it if bethany hadn’t mentioned it. yeah, plenty of fish is literally PLENTY OF FISH. never ending men. and sometimes i think how can their possibly be more men. certainly i must have gone through them all but nope. more. 🙂 thank goodness since apparently had a lot of practicing to do.

    and it is free. and i haven’t found the quality of men to be lower. not at all. there are all different kinds of men. business men and laborers too and everything in between.

    you may not find your millionaire (or you may) but i believe there are very specific sites for dating millionaires and i imagine they are not free.

    but even if you didn’t find your man on POF (plentyoffish.com) you could still get lots of practice!!!!

    why do i always sound like a commercial for things i like?

    anyway YAE!!!!! LINDA!!!!!!!

    it fees so much better to get responses than to get zippo. ah i feel a deep breath.

    eharmony was a waste of time for me. and the guys on match seemed like they had been on there for a very long time and weren’t even looking for anything real. but that was just my experience.

    YAE!!! LINDA!!!!!



  61.  #61Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    I also feel that plentyoffish is the best site, I think it has the most men, and so many beautiful ones too…not that the pretty ones are writing me…but at least some ok ones are. 😀



  62.  #62Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    I feel like that was really “heady”…I feel angry. I feel scared. I feel RELIEVED and EXCITED. That feels good like my throat tightening and getting dry…so that’s not good…okay, I love my scared feelings, they are fear of being out of control, which is also my need for approval and love…I love my need for approval and I love my tense shoulders and when I relax them the pain goes to my forehead, it’s okay forehead, I feel you, I feel silly talking to you but I feel you, and I feel it now in my right eyebrow, such a weird place, okay that’s judging, ugh, I feel tired and speeded up and kind of all over the place and sad that my girl friend didn’t facebook me back I feel let down and disappointed that I told her I miss her and she didn’t respond, I feel like she doesn’t like me anymore now that I’m not living with her, but whatever, I don’t know that’s making assumptions. I feel annoyed, that feels like my nose wrinkling up, I love my tight forehead and wrinkly nose, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay, it’s scary but there’s so much to learn, and it’s one day at a time, and that feels good, and relieving, and I feel HAPPY that I am turning into the person Rori said I could be, a whole person who recognizes her feelings, who recognizes her Stranger as a HUGE BITCH, as someone who impulsively needs to people-please and is working on that, as a young woman with lots of exciting things ahead, who got a job that requires her unique gifts, in a challenging economy no less, and that I can pay my rent, gas money, and food and even have some left over to have fun with, or save, yeah probably save…maybe get a massage once in a while, get my hair done, a manicure sometimes, some new clothes…that feels frivolous and I feel embarrassed planning “out loud” here but it’s all going so fast…I feel sad to leave my irresponsible student days behind…I feel scared to be in charge of myself because what if I make the wrong decisions? What if I screw things up with my “boyfriend” and I don’t even know I’m doing it? Ugh, that feels scary, I don’t like that thought, I want to believe that all I have to do is BE ME and in MY WORLD and I don’t have to REACH OUT to him, especially in a return phone call that wasn’t asked for, because that’s fucking SMALL POTATOES and I feel like I am on the verge of something bigger than worrying about what to do about one effing phone call…I feel anger coming out in my words but I don’t know why…I feel proud of myself for all the new things I’m going to be doing! I am going to push ahead and work on myself and hey, if I don’t call him back when he never even left a message and he can use that as an excuse that things just aren’t going to work out, then fuck him…oooh, I don’t know, that feels dismissive, can I be so flippant about him? That feels mean, and mean feels scary like if I am more detached especially now that we’re not in the same town, that will push him away…but if I lean forward to “MAINTAIN” the “RELATIONSHIP” that won’t work…it won’t feel balanced, and it will feel bad…I think…I don’t know. I know all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing and see if he wants to come along…a phone call is not a request for a call back, says Rori, and so in the gaping hole that is the lack of my boundary about the phone, I trust the universe that if I do not call him back, all will not fall apart…is that game playing? Why is this riff so long about one effing phone call? I Feel pissed about that. I feel confident. I feel resolved. I feel pissy and dismissive and i love my pissiness and dismissiveness…all my friends who have good relationships NEVER lose themselves and my best friend in particular, you can FEEL that she is solid in herself and her husband just loves her, and I bet she never once got so worked up about calling him back…she says I can call him…but I don’t know…



  63.  #63alias girl on February 23, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    i just tried some EFT on youtube. it made me giggle. i’m not sure if it was the EFT or the instructor though. but i feel this EFT could be another possible tool.

    yes there are some very pretty men on POF. 😉 oh my.



  64.  #64Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    I feel left out. Can I go on dating sites too? I feel pouty. And whiney. I read what I wrote and I just feel embarrassed for being so freaked out by one missed phone call..it’s because there are no parameters! I want parameters! I read all the long distance relationship posts on this site and I know all I have to work with now are my voice and e-mails, the phone and texts. So what the fuck am I going to do if he feels I am not interested because I didn’t call him back? I feel nuts. Next time I talk to him I will say “I feel confused about the parameters of this thing, because it’s obviously changing. I know we said we’d talk every day but I feel confused because I don’t know if that means you call me every day or I call you sometimes or when we talk…what do you think?” I know we’re staying away from advice, but if anyone has any feelings about that, I would feel grateful to hear any input anyone wants to share or anything else you ladies have done in long-distance situations.



  65.  #65Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    I feel triggered. There is a gorgeous man on this train, sitting a bit far away from me but facing me, and I don’t know what to do. I feel scared. I want to avoid meeting his eyes. I want to meet his eyes and smile and lean back and unzipper my heart! But I feel afraid that if I do that he will feel creeped out and leave. I want to invite him into my heart and energy field. But I don’t want to expose myself to rejection. So I withdrew into my cell phone and this blog, and he has withdrawn into his cell phone and a book, and I feel rejected and like a creepy stalker who eyes men on the train. D:

    Help, Goddesses. I know Rori has a tool about this somewhere but I don’t know what to do.



  66.  #66Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Reshi, it feels so uncomfortable to be faced with a feeling of rejection in the moment! I feel for you! I find myself “retreating” alot too, but wouldn’t it feel amazing to be able to lift one’s head and smile into a stranger’s eyes for five incredible, hard, terrifying, soul-shaking moments and then go back to whatever is in front of you? It would feel good to sit on a train, heart unzipped, and be able to be so present to do that…



  67.  #67Daria on February 23, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    I feel so happy to see all you guys feeling good!

    I feel good I just got back from relaxation yoga class.

    Reshi I really identify with feeling scared to look an attractive man in the eye, I feel triggered when I see one and feel scared too, yet if I look away (which I do often insinctively unless I’m feeling SUPER good and relaxed, or drunk, ) I also feel rejected, I want to be able to look men in the eye. Attractive men and unattractive ones. I feel scared to look at unattractive ones or that I’m not interested in because I feel scared they will consider me weird, promiscuous, or want to talk to me… which wouldn’t be so bad but for some reason feels scary.

    Reshi and Bethany I see you guys liked the article, what do you think of the second one with the link? I really liked that one even more, it has a TOOL to use on our in the body feeling kind of like a love touch-riff. I tried it and it super worked for me the first times, I got the giggles and the jumping up and downs, I’ve been trying it again today but did not get as much success as the first few times.

    the TOOL is basically loving our feelings by placing our hands near the area where we most feel the feeling and directing love to that area through our hands… I am calling it a Love Touch Riff.

    I’m starting to feel curious about this plentyoffish thing, Although the type of men I usually like I don’t imagine would be on a dating site, but that is just my old pattern and no need to stick to it. I feel open to the world. With a little tingle of fear.



  68.  #68Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    I feel shaken. I just talked to my boyfriend on the phone and he talked for a long time about his sick grandfather in the hospital and I feel disappointed that I couldn’t make a connection with him…I said “I’m so sorry…” instead of what I should have said “I feel so sad that your grandpa is sick”…and I felt so nervous! I feel so bad now, why? I also said “I understand” and “I want to be there for you…let me know…” is that doormat-like???? He was crying, and it just felt like the thing to say, and I meant it, I do want to be there for him, I just…ugh…I feel myself doubting myself so much…and then he asked about my new job and I said I felt scared…he gave me advice, and I said…yeah..yeah…yeah…a lot. Ugh!!! I feel confused…he said call me tomorrow when you’re driving, and I said okay…still head stuff. Maybe my trying to work towards having the perfect conversation with him is working against me, and making for some incredibly awkward silences…I feel so scared that he’s going to lose interest in me…but I WANT to intrigue him and be strong and powerful, not this mousey girl who just talks about how scared she is all the time…and in a hollow voice where she can’t access her emotions at all…I feel like crying…I want to be happy and feel like I can be confident in his feelings…I said “I miss you!” Ack! What the fuck is wrong with me?! Now I’m beating myself up, not good, not good…I feel really confused…I want to feel that it was okay to be soft and receptive to his situation with his grandfather…how else could I have responded? I just don’t know if I’m being myself or not…I don’t know…I want to be open and soft and mysterious, and that would feel like black fishnetting going over my eyes, I don’t know why, stop judging, just let it be…I feel scared, I asked him when he’s going to visit. I got nervous! No, no, no, it’s okay…it’s okay that I was nervous and leapt into the silences…it’s okay to feel so much attraction for someone, it’s okay…I love my awkward, shaking, not confident thing, it’s okay…I worry that I am becoming to him what these other puppy dog men are to me…No! I want to be strong and high-status and a woman he respects…would a man cry around a woman he loves and respects? Or is that how he acts around a stepping stone? ugh, I don’t know I don’t know, I don’t know…I don’t WANT to be anyone’s stepping stone, I don’t WANT to be a shoulder he cries on, but at the same time I WANT to be supportive and a soft place to fall…why why why why can’t I get this right? I WANT to feel like I am the woman he loves and respects…WHY DID HE CRY??!! Is it because he feels that comfortable around me and feels that close to me? He did say “it feels good to talk about this…” and I said “of course…” what???!!! I’m so confused. Am I dating a girl? Probably a feminine man…why? It feels so confusing…I want to feel like I can just be and not have to say anything on the phone…I want to feel like I don’t have to beat myself up for leaning forward in a phone conversation…how the hell do you be open when a man is crying in your presence without being his mother or a stepping stone/doormat? I feel so distressed about my confusion. I feel so rock bottom confused. I feel angry. I feel angry that he was crying. WHY DO I FEEL ANGRY??? Because I want him to be STRONG and not make me feel maternal towards him. I feel icky and weird. I feel really judging of myself. I want to not be so hard on myself. I feel like I must bore the crap out of him. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to feel happy and light and at the same time able to handle him and what he brings. I want to be all things and to wear both hats. I want to release all my useless worry. I WANT TO RELEASE ALL MY USELESS WORRY!!! That would feel like spools of thread just unraveling in my head and my tummy and white shiny thread just going and going and going from all directions…that feels better…it feels good to let the worr go…to let the judgment go…to let the thoughts about my mistakes go….to let go of control…it feels good to just be…my spools are empty, and that feels like a clean, picked up house and fresh-scrubbed kitchen…I feel like a beautiful, clean country kitchen with copper pots and a bowl of lemons on the granite countertops, with light colors and lots of natural sunlight…I feel weird thinking of myself as a kitchen, but it feels good to interior decorate myself…that feels lighter and I like that, and now I’m going to take that kitchen feeling and channel it into combing my hair and going to bed.



  69.  #69Daria on February 23, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Alias girl I can really relate I too had to start with giving a name to the feeling before I could feel it in my body. I can barely remember those times, and it was around the time I first came to the blog. I feel in such a different place now.

    EFT works for me sometimes and I wish I could say it works for me amazingly all the time, maybe soon I will say that but I have to admit I have struggled to make it work for me for years, at first I didn’t even have the patience (or maybe I felt resistant) to do a whole round of 30 seconds, but you know what with the results I got today I feel really happy. And grateful.

    I can’t wait to see what results I will get with the hypnotist on wednesday.

    Oh by the way I know Erika who posts here sometimes says she uses EFT. So Erika if you are around anytime I feel curious to see how you use it, what kind of style you found works best for you…



  70.  #70Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Daria, I really felt resonance with the linked article, but I feel awkward about doing emotrance because I don’t know how to really do it…just ask where the pain is in the body? That seems simple enough…I want to try this tonight as I feel really intrigued by it, and I also feel interested in hearing about your hypnotherapy sessions and hearing about your experience with it, whenver you do it…



  71.  #71Daria on February 23, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    Wow Bethany awesome riff. Thank you for reminding me of the I WANT tool because I forgot that when we state a want we can say how that would make us feel… to take us to a good feeling. I totally forgot that and I feel so glad you wrote it and I feel glad I will use it soon.

    By the way, I know in one of the programs Rori advises a woman to say I miss you to the man, that’s a feeling (I think). Missing is a feeling. I can feel missing a man… defnitely a feeling.

    I feel compassion for you in your situation with your boyfriend, and I feel proud of you catching where you want to improve and not beating yourself up and riffing to an awesome place. I feel admiring of your creativity.

    and I feel admiring and in awe and desiring of Reshi’s sexual energy and I want that too. I feel like I’m deficient because my body doesn’t even get my periods on time if I’m not around other women, and I feel guilty about that because I told my body to act like a boy when I was young and maybe that’s why, and I LOVE My BODY for what it does for me and I feel glad to have it and you know what I did get my period this month and that’s good. And even if I have a hard time having orgasms during sex I LOVE my body, even if I have a super hard time having more than one and have to practically use EFT to allow my body to have one or to feel good being touched I LOVE MY BODY. Even though I allowed myself to read on this site that touching yourself to orgasm often drains my energy and is unhealthy and I believed it I FORGIVE myself for that and I RELEASE that belief now. oh yeah… and THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE excitement for all the future orgasms I would have, and that feels a little embarassing, it would feel like I’m finally a full woman who can enjoy my sexuality and it would feel a little scary that maybe I will be out of control and want sex all the time and actually have sex with men and feel bad about it afterwards, and I RELEASE that and that would feel super exciting, I would love to have sex with men and not feel bad, even though I know I DO and Rori says we talk our way into it thinking we can handle it and then can’t and Susan Birmigham from the interview said that we shouldn’t be friends with women who have casual sex if we want to raise our self esteem, and I feel triggered about that because I have a couple friends who have casual sex and I do judge them and would like to RELEASE that and that would feel like sex is safe and ok, and that feels scary because I feel like I could get pregnant by a man I don’t want to be with, and that feels like leaning forward and heart pounding, and I LOVE my feeling and I want to feel ABLE to enjoy sex when my body wants to and enjoy my sexual energy and be able to produce it when I want to, not only when I smoke pot or something, and I want to feel it and LOVE IT. I want to be able to have sex with my ex even though I feel scared of him for being abusive, I want to believe that he has changed because I have changed, and I remember a time when I too was toxic and I also feel scared of him still and that makes me feel ATTRACTED to him which feels a little embarassing and it feels interesting to me because maybe I’m a danger addict and it feels like oooh so adventurous and exciting to be sexual with a dangerous man and I WANT TO FEEL SAFE lol and I feel amused right now and I still feel good… and feeling safe would feel like love, and sweetness, and rubbing my hair and kissing my shoulder and looking in my eyes, and holding me and it would feel like theres a possibility of a future together and that would feel like BLANK… and I love my checkout self I’m thinking this is fear of intimacy and I LOVE my fear of intimacy. I feel hungry right now and keep feeling distracted by knowing my food is downstairs so I will THANK MYSELF and go eat my food now…



  72.  #72Daria on February 23, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    Bethany I just read your post and I feel excited to answer it…

    Emotrance is a sort of riff.

    I guess we use it the same way in a riff we write/say I Love my feeling I love my stiff shoulder, in this case we raise our hands near the stiff shoulder and direct ALL the love we have to give to the shoulder (using our hands but can be without hands).

    Actually Emotrance as I first understood it is a little bit different than above because it doesn’t really use LOVE, although in this article Sylvia said to use love so that feels really comfortable and worked for me because of all the practice with Rori Riffing.



  73.  #73Maria on February 23, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    hi Linda,l agree that match.com is pretty cold and silent, l was there once. Can u enlight a bit, which site u use?



  74.  #74alias girl on February 24, 2009 at 1:54 am

    so now i am Experimenting with contacting men who in my skewed perspective feel quote un quote Out Of My League. heeheee. hahaha. it feels fun. i am just not worried about rejection anymore. (eh hem at least as far as whether a strange man decides to email me back or not. )

    plus with my last experiment i realized some of these guys i thought would be soooo great based on pictures were not neccessarily. one guy was even toxic. he looked completely different to me aftter getting to know him. so i feel wild and brave! hah!

    also with my last experiment with making initial online contact it doesn’t make any difference to me. i actually forget who contacted who first. i just go by how the interactions feel.

    this is fun. not alot of actual dates yet but i am getting closer. 🙂 the guys scare me a little. they seem too eager. like some of them over the top desparate eager. what is the message? i wonder if i seem like that to guys i am super interested in. i mean i don’t overtly do weird stuff but if that same energy is there is can be quite Frightening. luckily i am circular dating to learn all this.

    also i decided even if any of (all) of my exes come back i’m not just going to drop everything to be with any one of them. i will put them in roatation and when the relationship I WANT develops then i can stop dating. if i feel like it.

    i feel a little bitter and still hung up on my exes. hehe



  75.  #75alias girl on February 24, 2009 at 2:29 am

    daria how do you even keep all the guys straight? i’m starting to put little txt notes next to their name when i program it in my phone to try and remind me who they are. one guy has zzzzz next to his name and another guy has mmmm. and another guy has bball. another guy had playa but when i talked with him he turned out to be nice so i changed it.

    what if i start dating all these guys? what do i do keep a notebook? ??? zzzz guys has three sisters. likes math and talking about the weather.

    mmmm guy has a huge family and listens to rock music.

    is this what i will need to do or will my brain keep it all straight?

    i feel worried about a quality problem i intend on having VERY SHORTLY. 🙂

    reshi how do you keep them straight? godesses? anyone?



  76.  #76heartbeat on February 24, 2009 at 5:16 am

    WOW these comments are AMAZING – I’m feeling so engrossed and engaged!!! I feel like I’m RECEIVING and learning from you all, your processes and experience are so INTERESTING to me! Thank you 🙂



  77.  #77heartbeat on February 24, 2009 at 5:22 am

    Katja (and someone else mentioned this too) I feel curious to put faces to goddesses too – I’m on Facebook, anyone else on there? I feel open to being seen, and a little nervous too, because this is a public forum and what I write is anonymous and private…. and yet I feel open. Oh that feels scary too!



  78.  #78Katja on February 24, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I really liked the article Daria posted. I am looking forward on trying this. Right now I am alone at home with my daughter,so nobody to practice (I guess a nearly-five-month-old girl wouldn’t be the right person to practice-even tough I am sure she understands more than I can imagine).

    I feel amused by what Alias Girl wrote about the guys. I think I just received an Eletter from Rori where she described a friend of hers who also did Circular Dating and who had to write down the names and everything about the guys she was dating. If I were in your Situation-Alias Girl-I think I would write it all down in my journal because I couldn’t remember everything even though I have a really good memory.

    I put my myspace-adress into the website field here. If someone wants to add me there,feel free to do so 🙂

    If you just wanna look at my face feel free to do so 🙂

    Have a nice day my fellow goddesses! (Anyone noticed how Kate Winslet also said at the Oscars to the other nominees “my fellow goddesses”?)



  79.  #79Reshi on February 24, 2009 at 10:05 am

    I am on Facebook as well, and my real name and face are on my blog. So there you go, there’s where to find Reshi. I’m not concerned about anyone from here finding me out there, maybe a little concerned if it happens the other way around and if the men I date end up here. Hmmm…let ’em! I know Erika’s dates read her blog so how bad can it be…



  80.  #80heartbeat on February 24, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Ok I’m following suit – goddesses can click through to my webpage. From there I have a link to Facebook and Virb 🙂

    Katja you look stunning, and Reshi I saw you on plentyoffish (you put your profile name in a previous post) and you look exactly as I imagined and stunning in that prom dress.

    I feel excited!



  81.  #81Katja on February 24, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Heartbeat – Thank you! Wow,feels so exciting 🙂 You also look great!!! I love your hair!

    Reshi – You also look great! I love that painting on your hand,isn’t that indian? Does it have a meaning? And I discovered that we are the same zodiac sign,i am a capricorn,too. 🙂



  82.  #82heartbeat on February 24, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Katja you are the image of my best friend at art school!

    Reshi your blog is great, really interesting!

    I’m away for the evening now, still feeling excited by all the new comments. I feel very safe and nourished.



  83.  #83Daria on February 24, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Alias Girl I feel really smily… I will tell you what… I DONT EVEN PUT A GUYS NUMBER IN MY PHONE!!! Hahahahahaha… I don’t put close friends in my phone because I want to have their numbers memorized. I only put numbers I would need. I don’t put men’s numbers in my phone because I don’t call them, and if their number gets out of the rotation of my text/recent calls that’s on them.

    I don’t know how I remember who’s who. I do though. Maybe I haven’t been totally overwhelmed about getting a thousand calls at once, but every guy has a different energy to me and I can feel connected that way. I don’t remember stuff like cats, dogs, even siblings… or maybe I do…the guys usually call me don’t talk about that… they usually ask me questions about myself and when can they see me… or some do talk about what they want for the future for themselves, which I feel curious about and usually can remember some of it…

    If I forgot who it is (and sometimes even if I do remember but they haven’t called in awhile and I’m .oo1% unsure) I say… wait Who is this! LOL… I feel amused!!! I feel a little uncomfortable and embarassed now because of this compulsion to be a little mean int that way… but I feel so smily and giddy about it too! LOL!!!

    Oh by the way sometimes I don’t even remember their Name.

    Typical conversation:

    Me: Hello
    Him: Hey pretty lady (- I don’t actually like that one but I feel bad telling the guy who says it to stop — his intentions are in the right place… and I might start liking it who knows)/mami/sexy/Daria/you

    Me: Hi papi (I FEEL TERRIBLY EMBARASSED AND MY FACE FEELS HOT EVEN TELLING YOU GUYS I SAY that!!!!!!! AAAGH… lol… it makes me feel very flirtatious though and a lot of guys tell me they really like it, I just started saying it to guys a few months ago, sometimes I pick a word like that to say to men) while leaning back and doing the KItten tool and smiling sexily to myself

    or else just Hi… pause

    Him: What are you doing? (or if they’ve talked to me more often they might say How are you feeling? LOOOL)

    Me: (regardless of which way he asked) I’m feeling good (I speak kind of slow and relaxed because I’m in Kitten tool, unless I feel really excited)/ bad/ tired/ great/ hot/ whatever/ or even I feel surprised to hear from you! or even… I feel so glad to hear from you! I missed you!

    Him: Ohhh… So when am I going to see you?

    Something like that, or else, oh why do you feel bad, or I’m glad to hear you feel good, or something else

    Ok so what do you guys think? i feel embarassed and “up for judgement” what is that feeling? I feel vulnerable maybe…

    I also feel scared to share my myspace because I feel scared to be judged… I feel like you guys might think I’m an idiot or immature or not-classy and not like me or respect me anymore (WHOA! I guess part of me feels this way about myself!!!!)

    (not because of my pictures because they are pretty much decent lol)… my myspace is my FUN page I don’t even have my real name as my name on it.

    I have my facebook as my “professional” page.

    I also feel worried taht someone from the “real world” could determine this here is me… I mean I don’t know WHY I feel so scared but I did share very personal stuff here, and I always have in the back of my mind the drama/fantasy-fear of being on the run from government and them tracking me down through me putting my real info out there (uhmm I grew up in a communist dictatorship when I was young) Lol. I feel amused.



  84.  #84Katja on February 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Daria,its ok if you don’t want to share it. It’s your decision. But I would like to say something to your comment…I noticed that you don’t want to be judged. I just figured out for myself (and Rori said this in a comment,too) that if you feel judged by others you are judging yourself. I can say because I experienced this for a very long time that it is totally true (and I am still struggling sometimes with this). And I felt that you were defending yourself by saying that your myspace page is your fun page, that others here would think you are an idiot or not classy etc. I just want to say that we all are here to respect ourselves and others the way they are and love us and them the way they are. I feel this is the essence of self-esteem and that if we love ourselves truly and without any judging etc. we love everyone else (or at least respect everyone else) the way they are. Because thats what we want for ourselves,to be loved and respected the way we are.



  85.  #85alias girl on February 24, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    thanks for sharing that daria. so i feel appreciative of you (and all the goddesses sharing their experiences). i feel really helped and more confident moving forward. i took to what daria said and barely even email i just give my number. 🙂 i feel very goddessey. i feel more appreciative of the 100 men tool now. i feel confident that a man that i would be attracted to would actuallt WANT to sort of have to Compete for me. and i feel happy being competed for. (uh grammar much?)

    i do not feel obligated to pick any one of them. i may never. unless i feel really safe and cozy and uplifted by our union. 🙂

    i feel so bored (and angry with my ex (es). blech. they weren’t even offering me anything an i was all gaga over them. NO WONDER THEY DIDN’t TRY HARDER. they didn’t need to. blech. i feel disgusted by the thought of any one of them touching me.

    i feel sooooo excited by circular dating though! finally. it takes what it takes but i feel confident rori’s tools really work. i can’t wait to get her Reconnect program.i’m going to buy it on ebay bc i can make a onetime payment there.

    i do not forsee me putting a link to my real identity on here. i mean if people found out i wouldn’t really care but i don’t want to advertise my private personal innermost angst to the world and etc etc. i like being semi anonymous with this.

    i haven’t even clicked on other people’s links. i feel scared. i feel amused at my fear.



  86.  #86Flipper on February 24, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    I feel so delighted by how Daria Dares, and that feels like little tinglings on the front of my torso and happy tension lines over my lower jaw. I love how she forges ahead despite her embarassment and says and writes all these things that are so personal to her and feel risky, even to me and yet I feel so glad when she does, for herself and for me and for us all. I am especially grateful in her other post about sex, that she dared use the Other V-word, Vulva. There I wrote it too, and feel all the same embarassment and grossness, defiance and pride. Vagina is hard enough, though even that’s really almost a euphemism, because that is not where most of the nitty gritty sexual feelings are being felt. I mean, it’s bad enough that the hiddenness of our anatomy makes it difficult to even know the simplest things about ourselves, so society didn’t really have to gang up on us to make it bad, forbidden or even impossible : just to know, to play, to say, to call, to feel, to rejoice, to exult. So why the AAAGh of even calling a spade a…no, that’s okay, a spade is male so it can be and is easily said …..even calling a female sex by its names, whether anatomical or colloquial. I feel that is so right, and somebody had to start. And another area that show how doing what is best for you to make you feel alive, helps me and others to feel alive. So Brava, Daria, for braving that, and thank you.

    Thanks also to Heartbeat, Katja and Reshi for sharing your links – I feel all smiley getting a peak at the official (and so lovely) you’s, (and a bit envious being stuck in a much less technological place). I do get out in non-cyber space, however, and felt so great getting asked to dance a lot last Friday night, including 2 mazurkas which are my favorites. And will see Italian dancing on Thurs – I love the music, feel afraid it all will be like the Tarantella – too wild for me to keep up.



  87.  #87Daria on February 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I feel so Glad and freed by Flipper’s post. I still was feeling like cringing thinking about that “sex” post and the word I used (it was not vulva, I seem to feel ok with vulva, it was another body part). Ok I feel SO GLAD that this was appreciated and helped her. And i feel SO GLAD and warm that she said so and mentioned me. I feel good.

    I feel liberated by Alias girl saying taht she wants to be semi-anonymous. Now it feels ok…

    Katja thank you for answering and I feel guilty because I do NOT want to judge you guys as judging me! I feel so much love and acceptance here and a big part of me feels sure I would NOT be judged. You are RIGHT. I AM judging myself, and I feel defensive a little bit to say that I did say that (in parentheses) that a part of me must feel this way about me. Totally about me… I will “feel this out” and maybe let go of those judgements of myself soon enough. Probably at one point I will actually admit to my parents that I smoke pot. lol. Which is like a huge fear for me (and the main reason for my anonymity) . LOOOL. I feel amused and delighted by myself.



  88.  #88Reshi on February 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Oh wow, this feels so crazy and fun! I feel so much more connected to Heartbeat and Katja from seeing their pictures and sites; I had felt a disconnect before because they are in relationships and I am not. But I feel like that detail matters less now. Katja is so cute I feel like scooping her up and hugging her, and Heartbeat has this amazing depth, like her eyes contain infinity. Very inspiring.

    Now that I have heard Daria say she might be thought of as an idiot or immature, I want to see her myspace even more. I love immature and idiotic things, they make me smile a lot. Hence why I have so much fun living with my dorky sisters and their dorkier animals–but then, over there, my sex goddess is WAY out of her element.

    I feel like I am both sides of every coin, which feels very stretched out and expansive and powerful and anchored and connected.

    AND! Goddesses! I figured out the how-to-check-out-a-man-on-the-train thing. Assuming the Rori Raye Dance Position, dropping my entire awareness into my yoni (that’s my second favorite word for that part of the anatomy, I probably should not say my favorite in polite company), and WOW. The whole world looks different from down there. I felt like my mind and my eyes were just observers, and from there it was very easy to look into a man’s eyes and see him smile back. I felt like that was a huge breakthrough. I can’t wait to play more with it.



  89.  #89Daria on February 24, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Wow Reshi I feel awed. I feel jealous (again!, I feel guilty, I feel a lot of love for you I want to say I feel admiration, with a lot of I want to do that too, and just a tiny bit of how come she can and I can’t, or even maybe non at all, I haven’t really explored this topic of jealousy, maybe I don’t even feel jealous andjust think I do because I want to do waht you do ) of how you have this sex Goddess thing down! I have mine down but in a less in the body way it seems like… I want to be in my body. I want to drop my attention down to my Pussy! (wow watch out now!! haha… said it on purpose, MAMA GENA’s books got me started on it being ok) except I feel like everytime I do that it shoots back up to my forehead or throat, I find it difficult to feel secure even dropping my thoughts down to my pelvis. they make it down somewhere to my tummy, but I can’t really say for sure they are in my pelvis. Let alone holding my attention in my vagina. I want to DO THAT. HEar that universe? I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HOLD MY ATTENTION IN MY VAGINA AND LOOK A MAN IN THE EYE.

    Thank you.

    Feel like giggling. Feel happy. I feel so much friendship! Yipeeeee… feels like stretchy smile.



  90.  #90Daria on February 24, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Uhoh… i feel guilty right now because I reread Katja’s post and realized there were two ways to interpret the judging thing. One that I am actually making those judgements of myself, and second that I am judging others (as not being able to understand me, etc.)…. I feel worried… I DO NOT want to judge you guys. Dammit. I feel bad that I Am judging myself and that makes me judge you guys as judging me. DAMMIT!!! I feel a little frustrated.

    Oh also so as not to have this in old Daria style of caring more about others than me… I want to add that I also Don’t want to judge myself for my own sake.

    I really like this judging introspection. I feel very hopeful working with it in this way.



  91.  #91Katja on February 25, 2009 at 2:04 am

    Wow,i feel overwhelmed by reading all the comments since my last one.
    Daria-Oh I am so glad about your comments. I have to admit that I felt a bit concerned after writing my last comment. I didn’t want to offend you. This is new to me to write,say-even think-the way I wrote it there. I felt a bit insecure about it. As I already said I do respect your decision but I have to admit I am really curious about you 🙂 (And all the other goddesses here,too!)

    Heartbeat-I feel overwhelmed and kind of speechless by your last comment. Wow!

    Reshi-I also feel overwhelmed by your comment 🙂 Thank you!

    Mh,it feels a bit weird to me reading about all that “vagina-stuff” 🙂 I feel embarrassed and like I can’t talk about myself like Daria and others did. But it’s an interesting subject. I thought about how to call the place down there. I have no name for it. I don’t know what to say to it when my daughter gets a bit older and maybe asks questions. I feel kind of ashamed. I remember that my parents never spoke with me about sexuality. Never. I read a book about sex education I found in their huge bookshelf when I was eleven or twelve. I always thought about myself as open-hearted when it comes to sexuality. Now I see I am not. Feels kind of sad. I realized this the first time during the delivery of my baby. I felt so embarrassed all the time. I felt too afraid to cry or scream,not because there was no pain-because I didn’t want to show that I feel so much pain.



  92.  #92Flipper on February 25, 2009 at 5:08 am

    I actually like the word pussy much better than the foreign-, medical-sounding vulva and vagina, so I didn’t even pick up on that at all. It feels soft and pettable, sweet and purring happily. Of course, I feel like not always remembering how men use and abuse it all the time. Funnily, one of the “nicer” slang terms in French is chatte (female cat) – I feel curious to know if this association is common in other languages. I feel like it’s not because others misuse or avoid or have bad feelings/associations with words I like that I am not going to use them myself. I Want to feel good about talking about it, I Don’t Want to “pretend” like my feminine parts have no name, because unnamed things feel inexistant. Actually, I also have a personal name (it’s a girl’s given name) for my little kitty, but I’ve only shared it with very few partners. I know some people are turned on by using “dirty” language in their intimate relations. Fine for them, but for me that feels super blech, repulsive, yuck – disrespect, patriarchal power games, trivialisation for fun !!!??. I Don’t Want to feel “dirty” or like I’m being ‘used’ or am breaking tabous, I feel a terrible inhibition when I get any reminders of bad or wrongness. I Want to feel clean, free, glorious and celebrated for how things are, despite all their potentially embarassing aspects, and radiating the divine power of the goddess. Easier said than felt.

    Just a teeny “boy” info: having babies normally increases a woman’s physical capacity for pleasure, because of the increase in blood vessels that are formed with each pregnancy. So Goddess Mums, feel happy for that (and future mums, look forward to that bonus).



  93.  #93Katja on February 25, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Mh…yes this kitty thing is common in other languages,too 🙂 At least in german it is. It is also common in german to call it “snail”. Snail is also used as a nickname for little girls or cute girls in general. Some guys say this to their girlfriends,its almost as common as “darling”. Sounds weird in english,doesn’t it? 🙂 I know I had a name for my pussy before my pregnancy but I forgot it. Its like it was erased from my mind. I can’t remember. Kind of crazy.

    I don’t know yet if its true that women who gave birth have a higher capacity for pleasure but I hope I will soon be able to tell. I heard often that almost all women have an enormous desire for sex during the pregnancy and that a lot said they had the best sex ever during pregnancy. Maybe I was an exeption. I had almost no desire. Anyway,we’ll see what the future brings in this field 🙂

    I feel really prudish at the moment. And I feel embarrassed,too,because I am not able to speak that openly about that kind of stuff.



  94.  #94Flipper on February 25, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    How funny – I know that some guys here roll their weenie up and call that a snail ! (Though mostly, in France, people just eat them – snails/escargots, I mean). Teehee.



  95.  #95Reshi on February 25, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Now what on earth is anyone going to do with a rolled-up weenie…?

    I feel amused.



  96.  #96Flipper on February 25, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    I felt amused, too. I guess that was the only point.



  97.  #97Reshi on February 26, 2009 at 12:31 am

    It was a good point 😀



  98.  #98Cassandra on February 27, 2009 at 10:06 am

    I love this post. Reshi..Katja and Heartbeat….you guys are each so beautiful and like you said Reshi that you fetl more connected when you saw photos of the real person…I feel that way as well and that feels happy and smiley to me. I feel bad that I have not posted a link to my facebook page but I will do that so that should anyone want to connect with me as well…..they can. I feel silly in that I don’t even know how to do that and silly that I am a totaly technological toddler at the age of 40! LOL I feel giggly that I can laugh at that and think to myself ‘oh well….i have other strengths!’ hee hee I f anyone can guide me thru what I need to do to connec the link to my facebook page I will do that. I don’t feel scared about doing that at all as a matter of fact I feel more real about doing that…more authentic. I feel that I have missed you guys alot and I feel grateful for each of you.



  99.  #99Cassandra on February 27, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I forgot to ask you guys a question……having been here for quite a while most of you know my situation…..given that I am still in C’s house and we are still together…well as together as you can be with a man that has done all that he has done and given the fact that I am trying to figure out ways to leave as soon as I can and am trying to emotionaly detatch from him as much as is possible living together and having to pretend that I am fine with the way things are…..the pretending thing is more for safety’s sake and is no way about him but about not rocking the boat and sending him off into crazyland……given all of that….do you think that I would be doing something wrong to start to circular date or go online? I feel as though i would be doing something wrong and don’t think I would feel good about that but then other times I feel that my life is completely on hold because of him. I would love to know what you all think.



  100.  #100Daria on February 27, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    CASSANDRA – I feel so SURPRISED AND HAPPY! OF COURSE it’s ok to circular date… yes many of us feel a little weird, uncomfortable with it, in any situations even living alone like me… it’s wonderful to begin receiving that energy and practicing however.

    Also in order to link your face book, whenever you write or Rori’s blog, you can see three lines where you put your name, e-mail, and underneath it says website…

    unfortunately I think it’s kind of hard to get the url (what to write in the website section) from facebook… here’s what I found on facebook help…

    Go to facebook:
    1. Click on “home” then click on “profile”, you should see a URL like this in your address field:
    http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=123456789&ref=profile

    2. Now copy that number, in this example 123456789.

    3. The public URL for your Facebook page is then:
    http://www.facebook.com/people/FirstName-LastName/123456789

    Put in your real first and last name in the above link and keep the hyphen as separator. Voila!

    However, in order to be found by people who are not on Facebook yet, you would have to first make your profile publicly searchable by going to Privacy Settings -> Search.



  101.  #101heartbeat on February 27, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Oh this feels so exciting – some of us getting to meet our real selves online!!! I feel open and happy about this.

    It feels to me a natural progression from feeling able to express my inner self here. Just as real.

    I want to feel more able to be as honest in ‘real’ life, in my relationship and with myself. I am struggling at the moment.

    Daria – you hottie – you look exactly as I thought you would too! Isn’t it amazing how I formed a picture in my mind, and Reshi (Linmayu) and you both are just as I imagined. I thought Katja would be blond, but that’s because I have a German friend so I kinda went on auto. And then she turns out to look so like my best friend at art school!

    It feels really good to be here 🙂 xxxxxxxxxxxxx



  102.  #102heartbeat on February 27, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    I love all the pussy talk too!! LOL!!! 🙂



  103.  #103Katja on February 27, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    Daria-I just visited your myspace-site.Feels great to see you 🙂 I love your smile!!! And I see you are from Romania. That reminds me of a friend I once had as a child. Her name was Ramona and she was from Romania,too. She came to Germany as a refugee with her family. We were only friends for one summer,then they moved to another city. Your picture reminds me a lot of her! I feel so moved thinking back…

    Heartbeat-feels funny to read that you thought I was blond. I was thinking about changing my hair-color into red or blonde because I would like to change my look. But I still feel undecided. We’ll see 🙂



  104.  #104heartbeat on February 27, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Well now, Katja – my hair is red-brown and blonde! 🙂



  105.  #105Flipper on February 28, 2009 at 3:47 am

    I had imagined Katja as blond, too! However, her face and how everyone else looks is pretty close to what I imagined. Daria, I thought you were of a different foreign origin, but now I see how your name fits with the real one. Plus, I feel an extra, model-like aspect – very attractive (my vision was a little more feisty l’il gal).

    Heartbeat, I feel so moved by what you shared on the emo post. And inspired, I just want to hug you for you and tap into your energy for myself. I feel with you about the anger thing, too. In Rori’s eletter about the latest interview CD, she says something about being surprised re the person we are all most angry with. My feeling is that it is ourselves, hence these nasty, frankly pitiless harpy voices that plague us to virtual death. From your lovely posts, I feel you’ve gotten them to give you some respite and so you are hearing your own real voice, Soft and clear.



  106.  #106heartbeat on February 28, 2009 at 4:14 am

    Flipper I feel delighted to hear from you and even a little teary that you responded to my comment! Aaah feels good and smiley… I’ve just downloaded a free chapter from http://www.dragonrising.com on EmoTrance – I think it’s from a book called The Love Clinic. And I’m using Rori’s version – I feel comforted, it feels safe and easy and it’s working! I want to be able to speak my truth more ease-ily, it feels clearer and I feel I get a loving response instead of a defensive one.

    And I’m not sure if he’s right for me – well, he isn’t at the moment, I feel nice with him, but not excited. I feel good and enjoy cosy times in, but I feel bad sometimes that he keeps his friends separate from me (which he says is just the way he does things and always has, and even his friends do not meet one another). I feel good we see a lot of each other and I feel sad he goes home late and stays weekends only (occasionally week nights, and I’ve spoken about this couple days ago). I feel some leftover pain at something that happened a few weeks back. I want to write about it but the detail would identify him if any of my friends or anyone he knows just happened to be on here. But I feel I may write about it anyway. Soon.

    But this emotrance is …keeping me smooth ???? … when I wanna rough up, stomp, announce and take control…. without taking away my boundaries and sense of what is important. I want to be able to speak when I need to without getting triggered into fear and fogginess.



  107.  #107Linda on February 28, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Thanks for all the clues to go to facebook etc to find out what some of you ladies look like so I can see the face with the Goddess.

    Maria I am on three sites… eharmony (ugh) a waste of money. Match.com the jury is out on that one for me as of yet. Lots of men sign up out there but I dont think they are paying members. If they are there is a cold indifference out there. The final one is plentyofish. I am having some pretty success there so far. In fact a couple of men who ignored me on match have responded to me there and I have been given three # \’s to call in one day!… Whats a girl gonna do? lol So many men… so little time. Lets just say I am weeding through and listening to each of their messages that they bring. I am even listening and spending a bit of time with the first “frog” I met on match. He does have some redeaming qualities… everybody has something to bring and for us to learn from.

    If anybody want to find me to see what I look like well my name on match and fish is MearlyMe. I have been so busy lately… I have not had a chance to read or post on this blog lately. As I said so many men and so little time.

    Love to you all.. Linda



  108.  #108sifsgoldwig on March 2, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    I put this whole idea of trying something new into practice this weekend and it worked! I’ve been toying with the idea of going to a bar or club by myself just to see what happens. Saturday night I was finally going to do it. A new place opened up recently and I wanted to check it out. I fought off feelings of nervousness and the voice in my head telling me to just stay home and showered and got ready after work. However, as a stalling mechanism, I took longer than I planned to get ready and then was debating the merit of showing up at a place I didn’t know across town that late at night. So, I changed my plans at the last minute and decided to go to a local bar that was also a concert venue. (I don’t really drink, so at least I would have something else to do at this place.) I show up, start listening to the band that was playing, and bump into friend of a friend. He and I had hung out previously, but never without my friend and her husband. We talked and danced and then afterwards he walked me to my car, invited me to brunch the next day with some of his friends (but not our mutual ones) and then asked for my number. Wierd what happens when you step out of your comfort zone and open yourself up to new experiences.



  109.  #109heartbeat on March 3, 2009 at 4:58 am

    Hey Sifsgoldwig that’s a heart-warming story, I feel so glad you posted it! I’m filled with admiration, truly. I feel excited for you and curious as to how things go for you.

    I love hearing everyone’s journeys. I have so much to keep learning and a lot that still triggers me in a relationship. No matter the situation, I feel interested in hearing how different women goddesses have used the tools.

    Hello Linda – great to SEE you too!! The picture came up about the size of a postage stamp and there you were like a picture of a queen on it 🙂 and looking a little like I imagined too!



  110.  #110Cassandra on March 6, 2009 at 7:24 am

    Daria….I am so sorry that I am just now getting to respond to your post. I have been SUPER busy focusing on my business and that feels so great! I have missed you though and send a hug! Thanks for letting me know how to link to my facebook page. I feel kind of scared that everyone will ‘see’ me in person but then again I feel it is kind of freeing. I feel like everyone here has seen more of me here than you could on that profile anyway and I feel loved because I feel a part of something so special here. Oh….BTW I have not gotten to visit your myspace page yet but I can’t wait to to do that today.

    About my question regarding Circular Dating….I felt kind of scared posting that in that I felt like people would think I was doing something wrong but I don’t feel that now….I feel that I am trying to do the best that I can in my situation and still try to grow within myself. I have been thinking about Circular Dating lately but NOT in the way of possibly ‘finding somone’ to have in my life but in the way of practicing the tools and building myself up. I can totally see how that would REALLY help…to have men all around you wanting to spend time with you and get to know you more. I have not yet decided if I am going to move forward with it but it has been really heavily on my mind lately. C has been home alot more but is going to start to work some weekends and I don’t want to be home with nothing to do on a Friday or Saturday night as I so often am…I guess that part of this may even be out of boredom but I don’t believe that things ‘just happen’…I truly believe in a Divine Master Plan….so perhaps I am supposed to branch out and meet other people? I know that I would feel like I am doing something wrong or that I would be cheating on C..even with all that has happened meaning all that he has chosen to do within our relationship but two wrongs do not make a right and I still feel accountable for my OWN actions. I would be devasted if I ever found out he was seeing someone else so how can I do that to him? That right there does not feel good to me at all…it feels awful….I suppose therein lies my answer. I don’t want to do what does not feel good to have done to me no matter what someone else has done to me….did that make any sense? I am trying to branch out and meet more women here partly for my business and partly to build my own friendships and that will help me too. That feels good. I am also really trying to stay focused on the ‘what FEELS good to me’ stuff and that is awesome…..I am finding that it is even happening around little things like meals….’will it feel good to me or for me to eat this or that?’ How cool is that? I know that these are baby steps in the right direction but at least Iam no longer standing still and that feels good! 🙂



  111.  #111Katja on March 6, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Cassandra-feels really good to read about your progress!
    Just wanted to say that 🙂

    Lots of love and hugs to you!!!



  112.  #112NewHere on December 14, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Dear Ladies,

    Hey, I have never posted here and am new to Rori and all her advice/info and am a “Type A” personality that tends to just have a bit of a problem communicating in a non-intimidating manner to men (or so I’m told) so I’ve started reading here to learn a little more about myself and be a touch more open.

    Anyway…

    I enjoy reading the comments from you ladies and since this post is about online dating and there were a few sites discussed and “tips” mentioned, I thought I’d throw in my 2 cents.

    If you haven’t tried OKCupid, I’d really recommend it. I haven’t really tried online dating in the past (mostly just browsed and then thought “Nah”) but I actually have had a lot of success on that site as a first time “online dater”. There are also lots of fun personality tests, a journal area, and other features that makes it feel a little more personal (and allows the men viewing your profile to get a better feel for who you are, which seemed more natural to me than just reading a profile sales pitch alone).

    Now that I’m learning about “leaning back” thanks to Rori (I’ve always felt free to just approach men and ask them out), I thought I’d mention something that I do that seems to work well.

    Just visit their profiles (the men you are interested in) but don’t message them or wink or anything. You will still appear in their “visitors” list (and trust me…they ALL check them) and a large majority of them seem to message me within a short period time.

    It’s probably more a psychological thing like “Hmm how come she looked at my profile, then decided not to message/wink at me?” type of thing…but all that matters is that it seems to work and seems like something Rori would possibly approve more than the winking or directly messaging them to get the attention.

    I haven’t really shopped the other sites so far to offer an opinion, but I have had several dates set up and have only been on cupid for a couple of weeks so far. One is a great catch (so far). We haven’t talked long enough for me to approve a date with him, but he calls me every single night the moment he gets home and does so right on time. He’s the same age as me, owns his own home, has a successful business, and is definitely attractive….so I’m pleasantly surprised to have a connection already with someone who may be a good dating match for me! I’m typically pretty selective, so I didn’t really expect anything more than “random emailing” to come out the online dating thing.

    This blog and you ladies has also helped me to remember to NOT be the one to engage him too much (especially since he’s a touch shy and seemingly reserved and I’m a bit outgoing). I have paid attention to your stories and Rori’s advice and not called him a single time (although I typically refrain from doing that, anyway) and it has worked well so far (thanks, Rori)! I also missed one nightly phone call entirely (I was on a date with an ex who I’ve had a lingering “feelings” thing for, mutually) and waited about 2 hours before sending a brief “My apologies I missed your call, we’ll catch up tomorrow” text and nothing more. Normally I may have explained myself, but instead I just excused my rudeness.

    **(Also someone here mentioned the “cute ones” and I’ve seen/talked to plenty of “cute ones” there) 🙂

    So, if it helps check that site out and take some of the tests and maybe write some thoughts in your “journal”. Men seem to really enjoy scoping that stuff out beforehand and wondering all about we creatures of mystery!!

    Hope that was of use to someone here! Take care, ladies I will continue my stealth-reading and enjoying your stories 🙂



  113.  #113Rori Raye on December 15, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    NewHere – Welcome! Thank you for your story, your insights, and your presence. Love, Rori



  114.  #114Kimberly on May 17, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I am confused with the online dating. I did my profile and put up good pictures. I have guys emailing me and asking me to meet and then when I say yes I never hear back from half of them. What am I doing wrong?



  115.  #115Rock on July 8, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    Alakazaam—information found, proeblm solved, thanks!



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