Will You Really Lose Him?

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carvingTamar just said, “I feel like if I step back and let go of the boy energy, I’ll lose him.”

Yeah, we all feel like that.

Yet, you have to.

Unless you LIKE being “out front” in the relationship, and don’t MIND being with a man who’s more of a “flower” than a “waterer” – if you go with your  boy energy in any relationship (even, often, in friendship or business) at worst, you’re going to lose him.

At best – you’ll lose his attention.

If you step back, at least you’ve got a chance – if it’s a good match.

For so many of us – the problem isn’t anything we’re “doing” or “not doing.” It isn’t even in our feminine or masculine energies and how we use them…

…sometimes – it’s just not a good match.

Sometimes, he’s just not right for you, and you’re just digging yourself in deeper and deeper into something that doesn’t serve you well.

The moment you realize you haven’t felt like “yourself” with a man…that’s where you get to start asking yourself if you’re feeling “happy.”

Happy is where it’s at. Even good men know this: “Happy wife, happy life…”

If that’s not how you’re feeling…let us know. We’ll help you do YOUR part to get the vibes flowing from your feminine to his masculine – and we’ll also help you know if he’s a dead end for all your wonderful love.

Love, Rori

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158 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on October 9, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Great post, Rori,

    It is possible to see which partner is the ‘waterer’ and which the ‘flower’ when looking at the astrological birth charts of both people.

    That can save a lot of time!



  2.  #2Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Yepp



  3.  #3Starla on October 9, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Yes. I am in a relationship with a masculine man, but my fear of losing him has motivated me to take on the masculine energy during conflicts and misunderstandings. Not only does this result in him completely dropping the oars of conflict resolution and reconnecting, but it causes him to feel berated and criticized. So – at best, we disconnect, and at worst he becomes hurtfully offensive and defensive.

    I am starting to reach that place inside myself that is so fed up with the dynamic, that I am willing to risk losing him. I am willing to go through the awkward disconnection where he says he has “nothing to offer” to resolve a conflict that arises and literally walks away. I went through this blog and compiled everything I could find about anger and conflict management with your man. I am going to study it every day, to keep it top of mind. I am over this dynamic and ready for it to end. I also feel embarrassed that it took being hurt so many times to stop fearing losing a man. I wish I hadn’t feared it at all from the very beginning.

    Last night I expressed some negative feelings very simply and with feeling messages – at HIS prompting because he could sense some tension in me that I did I wasn’t comfortable sharing at the time (but he pushed and pushed) – but when I told him (in RR language), he got defensive and walked away leaving me standing there and to sleep alone. I didn’t keep the conversation going with directing and convincing like I usually do, so it had gotten quiet and awkward and then he left. I wish I had just let him go until he was ready to come back on his own, but I went to find him after some time had passed. This is not my ideal plan moving forward, but it is SO much better than what I was doing before, which was criticizing him for leaving or having nothing to say and/or immediately following him with either critical or begging language. I just let him have nothing to say, and I let him walk out that door.

    (Side note: part of the reason I didn’t let it totally go is because it would have been such a big shift in our pattern that may have taken days to normalize, and I actually have reservations as a surprise gift for him for tomorrow that cost a good chunk of change and can’t be rescheduled. So, going forward, as long as I am experimenting with not holding on for dear life when he behaves poorly and then takes issue with my upset feelings, I will not be planning anything that involves other people or non refundable money, so that I can feel totally free to let go of the oars and let it play out…)

    Moreover, I did find the baby step of communicating very gently that it feels so scary and lonely to experience such major disconnection whenever bad feelings come up between us. I asked him what he thinks we can do. He said he had nothing to offer!! I felt stunned by that and would usually criticize him for letting me do all the work, but instead I just repeated myself a couple more times, changing the question to “Do you think there’s something we can do?” He suggested a hug. We hugged for a very long time and things started to feel better.

    I was still in my boy energy but it was a good step away from the critical, blaming tone that arises from my boy energy. He came to bed and cuddled me all night. And this morning, when I was still feeling upset about some things he did/said during last night’s “fight” and he again sensed it and pushed for information, I again let him know very simply and with feeling messages. He tried to talk me out of being upset, and then got very quiet, so I got up to make our coffee. A few minutes later he was in the kitchen hugging me and apologizing.

    He spent the rest of the morning gushing about how much he loves me.

    Any tweaks are welcome! So far, it’s progress! No yelling, no criticizing, etc., on my part. And like I said, for the near future, I will stop making plans with him that absolutely can’t be broken. It is very restrictive knowing things HAVE to be resolved by X time or else it will affect my wallet or other people. Ideally, I would have preferred to let him leave, and when he comes back the next day, tell him how weird and unsure it felt to suddenly find myself standing alone.



  4.  #4Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 11:49 am

    Starla a Gay Hendricks tool popped in my head while reading your comment. They recommend sitting close to each other, facing each other for a while so that your body energies become synchronized and you start to experience each other as friends again. While doing that look into each others eyes for a while without saying anything.

    I have experienced it or should I say something similar in a Landmark Education course. They had us stand face to face with a partner right up close and I can tell you I literally FELT my partner and what was going on inside her. A couple of the people in the room broke down crying. It was absolutely awesome to experience because we ended up feeling so much closer to the other person emotionally that it felt like I was feeling my own self.



  5.  #5Starla on October 9, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    Hi FW! Thank you for your response!

    I admit I feel a lot of resistance to that, because it sounds like “doing” something to fix our disconnect during times of conflict.



  6.  #6Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    It is your choice to make Starla. I did share about it in the past and remember that Dominique mentioned she was familiar with it and I believe she said she thought it was awesome. My thinking is that an agreement has to be made about it prior to conflict arising or maybe if a guy asks if you have any suggestions about how to resolve the conflict. If any human being don’t have these types of tools in their toolbox they will be powerless. Knowledge is power and context is important is my humble opinion. I think it would be counterproductive to refuse to suggest it if he asks and you resist sharing it. Seems like you would be choosing disconnect over connection to me. But as I said it is your choice to make.



  7.  #7Starla on October 9, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    I see what you’re saying, FW. We have talked about these things ahead of time, but in the moment, we get too prideful to make them happen. I will try it next time.



  8.  #8Starla on October 9, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    I feel so shaken reading Lilibelly’s story about her husband having an emotional affair. I recently learned that my grandma’s husband is having an affair. These guys act like they’re doing right by their women, but they’re just deceiving. I feel so shaken thinking about trusting my man. I have noticed him talking to me less during the day when he used to talk to me constantly, and have wondered if he isn’t getting that chatty need met by someone else. However, I know it’s normal for a year-old couple not to have something to talk about 24/7. On top of that, I had a terrible dream last night that my man cheated on me with someone I casually know. This suggestion was planted there by a dumb tarot-scope I saw on youtube saying in October it would come out for some people with my astrosign that their man is cheating with someone they already know.

    I feel really wound up=/



  9.  #9Starla on October 9, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    I went into moderation, so trying again…

    I feel so shaken reading Lilibelly’s story about her husband having an emotional affair. I recently learned that my grandma’s husband is having an affair. These guys act like they’re doing right by their women, but they’re just deceiving. I feel so shaken thinking about trusting my man. I have noticed him talking to me less during the day when he used to talk to me constantly, and have wondered if he isn’t getting that chatty need met by someone else. However, I know it’s normal for a year-old couple not to have something to talk about 24/7. On top of that, I had a terrible dream last night that my man cheated on me with someone I casually know. This suggestion was planted there by a silly tarot-scope I saw on youtube saying in October it would come out for some people with my astrosign that their man is cheating with someone they already know.

    I feel like screaming and crying. I never used to have cheating insecurities before.



  10.  #10Starla on October 9, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Sigh, I just went into moderation twice…



  11.  #11Rena on October 9, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    I’m trying to figure out what to do…please provide some advise.
    – we met online in December and hit if off right away.
    – we lived in different cities, but saw a lot of each other
    – He ended our relationship in May and I moved on…we would keep in touch trough text.
    – I moved and we now live in the same city. this was planned prior to meeting him.
    – a few months after my relocation, he contacted me and proposed we try and see if things could work out with us in the same city.
    – we have been spending time with each other and I feel things are going well
    My issue is that he is still online. We committed to trying things out. Am I wrong to expect him to remove his profile?

    twin-flame seeker



  12.  #12Lilybelly on October 9, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    FW:

    Dominique reached out to me and we are in contact. Thank you so much. More later.

    Xoxo

    ((((Starla))))



  13.  #13Starla on October 9, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Lilibelly,
    I tried to send you some love off the site but it looks like you deactivated your profile.
    ((((((((((((((((lilibelly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



  14.  #14Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Starla “WE get too prideful” jumped at me in number 7. I felt internally an “ah the ego”. Remember the masculine will never allow the woman to run over him if he is worth his salt. The masculine ego is bigger than yours could ever be. Someone has to go first with surrendering and I do believe that men look to the feminine to lead in the emotional department. In a fight he is wired to attacked and I am sure it does not feel good to him when it involves you but his brain might be getting hijacked. The we here tells me your masculine comes to the forefront in these times to maybe battle. Maybe the feminine would surrender and end up in a pile of tears saying I don’t want to argue with you, I don’t want to fight??!! Only by experiencing some other emotion can he feel something else and switch. He will reflect back to you whatever emotion is facing him.



  15.  #15Rena on October 9, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    I failed to mention that we already discussed the issue about his online activity, but he still goes on. I’m unsure of what I should do because we’ve only been trying for about 2 weeks now. It hurts that after, we have spent quality time together (no intimacy) he still goes on there…



  16.  #16Lilybelly on October 9, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Awwww… thank you, Starla.

    I am taking a social media break right now. Its part of take care of Lilybelly.



  17.  #17Starla on October 9, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    FW, I so love when you respond to me 🙂

    I am understanding the concept you’re sharing. And it just clicked for me how I can lead emotionally while also honoring my initial “complaint” he is reacting to and thus caused a fight. Something that is now coming up for me is that it is too easy for the woman to end up apologizing for having a complaint about something the man should be apologizing for. That smacks of dysfunction and bullying by the man. If I don’t want to be bullied into walking on eggshells and keeping my mouth shut, it is on me to honor my feelings even while also honoring the partnership’s need for connection. If things go into attacking territory or he leaves anyway or tells me to leave or says he just doesn’t have anything he cares to say or do to make things better between us even after I have led emotionally, then I can leave.

    Now that I think of it, the way I expressed my yucky feelings about disconnection last night wasn’t a bad attempt at doing this at all.

    I seriously feel like a humiliated child begging for my mother’s love when I think of the scenario of suggesting or leading ways to connect emotionally, though. It’s super triggering.



  18.  #18Azure Blu on October 9, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Starla #3
    Wowowowowo!!
    To me this sounds soooo amazing!!
    and much more than baby steps…
    and he responded!!!
    Rori tells us when a man responds like that
    it’s Golden…

    for me reading this
    I felt the MAJOR shift you have brought to the dynamic of push pull…
    Wow
    and maybe coming back so quickly was good for both of you… even though it was because you had a major event planned.
    I have found lately, with my Spirit cd,
    When we have gotten in a disagreement
    I have thought about my part in it
    My feelings about it and
    What IS REALLY going on with me
    I call him up and share all that
    and He responds AMAZINGly and
    has been admiting his part in the disagreement/
    And poof.
    We’re done with the issue and
    we both work hard to not repeat it…

    GREAT job Super Siren!!!
    Thanks for sharing!!!



  19.  #19Starla on October 9, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Hi Azure! Thank you! I feel really encouraged reading your comment 🙂



  20.  #20Turquoise on October 9, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    I forgot what it was like to really be here on the blog, and to feel like we are experiencing what’s going on with each other. To feel triggered by words. What I’m realizing is I still have a lot of work to do on me. Knight and I talked a lot last night and he told me he knows I’m scared, that I have walls up, and that I’ve been hurt. I felt like the conversation got too heavy and I apologized. He said I can tell him anything, to give everything I’m thinking and feeling to him, that he can handle it. He has big shoulders, just give it to him whatever it is… I think what I’m realizing most about myself with him, is I have so much crap I have to let go of. If I’m going to be happy, healthy and content in a relationship…. I can’t carry all that weight and pain with me anymore. I don’t know if he will be my person, but right now he sure is my mirror. And that’s kind of scary.



  21.  #21Turquoise on October 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Lillybelly, many many hugs to you. How lucky we are to have this place to come back to.



  22.  #22Lilybelly on October 9, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Hi Turq!

    I feel happy to see you and so very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

    ((((((((((((Turquoise)))))))))))))



  23.  #23Lilybelly on October 9, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    Every kind word, every warm welcome back, every shared post, every hug has brought tears to my eyes all day. I find them rolling down my cheeks when I didn’t even know my eyes are leaking.



  24.  #24Turquoise on October 9, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Starla, that sounds like so much passion and progress to me. Life and love can be messy. Finding ways to work through that and connect, is amazing. If I remember correctly, you’ve had a lot of boy energy in past relationships. Maybe look for a way to embrace that. Maybe that’s part of who you are… And that’s ok.



  25.  #25Turquoise on October 9, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Lillybelly, what a relief that is… To let those tears out! I just came back on also. I need to stay this time.



  26.  #26Lilybelly on October 9, 2015 at 4:54 pm

    Oh it is, Turq. I thought I had cried it all out when it happened but the truth is, I would cry a bit and then stuff it all back down in an effort to move ahead or through it all.

    The thing is, and I KNOW this, when we do this, it never fully gets healed and there is no way to move forward to a new place, either in the relationship or out of the relationship. It is just a cycle that keeps spinning. I have to stop the cycle now.

    But I also need to find a place and a time that is safe for me to finally let it all out. So in the meantime, the eyes leak and I honestly don’t even know it is happening sometimes.



  27.  #27Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    ((((((((((Lilybelly))))))))))))) My eyes were leaking recently but I was triggered by someone else’s experience right back into a memory of my own that I did not realize I was still so deeply hurt by. Sometimes I wonder if we really do let go of all the hurt or if we just feel it, notice it and are somehow able to move to a stronger place inside ourselves. Where we still see and feel the soft spots but realize that we are not going to fall apart.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on October 9, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    Starla why think of it as a complaint anyway? How about telling him want him to feel what it feels like being you and experiencing it.

    I don’t like the perspective of him bullying. Why would a man consciously choose to bully the woman he loves? It is at times like those that I like Rori’s “I am just a girl” words and going totally soft. That is what I find disarms the man and makes him want to make everything right. Fighting back, or acting strong I believe signals the wrong message in the man’s brain. You’ve got to experiment with different ways of being to see how he reacts.



  29.  #29Starla on October 9, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Complaint is a word I chose out of convenience while sneaking in posting here… There’s no big meaning behind it. I like the reminder to use I’m just a girl. Totally forgot about that I’ve. And i totally feel inspired lately to be who i am and share what it feels like with him. I want to honor myself. I spent so much time thinking I was a problem, and I’m just not! I am magical and fantastic and he is blessed with my willingness to share my depths with him. I am happy to use a method he won’t react badly to, but at the end of the day, I am a marvelous creature and do not want to be with someone who prefers me small for their emotional comfort.



  30.  #30Lilybelly on October 10, 2015 at 3:38 am

    Not sleeping well. *sigh*

    I know that I am not supposed to be thinking about “him, wondering what he’s up to but we are married. I have a knowing feeling in the pit of my stomach that this day is not going to go well.

    I have to go up north today to help my parents move into their new lake cabin. J has to work. J asked me yesterday if tonight, when I return, would I like to go to our friends place for a bonfire. Easy, breezy, I said that felt good to me and I would meet him there after I was done with today’s work. Last night he was all over, saying he wanted to go for a ride after work and would I come all the way back home and pick up the dog so he could meet me there instead. I indicated that would be way out of my way to come all the way back home (friend lives 25 miles north of home) and it made sense that he stop and pick her up since he is right here. Then, he wish washed and says he doesn’t know what he wants to do, that maybe we will just stay in…

    What I suspect will happen, based on old tapes and solid history, is I will receive a text later in the day that says he is riding and won’t be home at all, which also means that he has other plans already and isn’t sharing them. This is also history and what he did when he was seeing the other woman.

    I am filled with anxiety and need a plan for myself if that happens rather than reacting. I feel afraid that I will tell him not to come home at all and don’t want to react.



  31.  #31Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Lilybelly,

    I have been reading what you have been sharing about your story over the last few days, and feel filled with compassion and empathy for you. That must feel so difficult for you.

    Do you think you would be able to find a way to get the focus off him altogether? I know it would be difficult, since he so clearly has issues at the moment, issues which are causing you to feel all sorts of anxiety. But do you think you would be able to get back to Lilybelly, to you, back to what you want to do, what feels best to you, what would be taking good care of you and your feelings, INDEPENDENTLY of him? If nothing else, I often find doing this brings great clarity, and a sense of peace and more relaxation, knowing that whatever happens with him you will be ok. So perhaps this would look like asking yourself if you want to go to your friends’ house for a bonfire, whether he goes or not.

    You cannot control him, you can really only behave your way out of this.



  32.  #32Mandy on October 10, 2015 at 4:29 am

    I still can’t believe I just got out of a relationship and just now got the L word from a Circular Date. I swear that’s what he still is! We just have gotten further along than the others, lol. No boyfriend here, I’m kicking the habit, lol!

    He clearly states he has no girlfriend, meaning he doesn’t want a girlfriend, too, so we’re on the same page thank goodness. We’re just helping each other heal. He’s a real nurturer. I never used the Siren techniques for going for a certain type of energy til now and it is SO much different and SO MUCH BETTER.

    I never thought a guy would have enough money to ever afford to buy me anything. So I never let them do anything nice for me and they never did. Why do I like a masculine energy man now? Is it because he’s my mirror, or is it because I have enough self-love to take care of me by choosing one now instead of a feminine one and a toxic one…toxic and feminine is what I have had for since I was 19. Or is it because I just have the knowledge and am using it wisely?

    It’s definitely the toxic that didn’t help and maybe the feminine, but anyway, I never thought a man’s energy coming to me felt great because I didn’t think I deserved it. Now I LOVE IT. I’m like yes please, more of that…that’s nice…that’s awesome…

    Can someone say I love you to you and remain a circular date?

    I need help understanding being single and circular dating. Not becoming anyone’s girlfriend. Just dating and having fun. I love you, can someone say that to you and remain a circular date and that be okay?

    I almost feel like saying to him, don’t mess with me here, those are relationship words. I feel I have every right to say it, but not like a bitch, lol…maybe like

    Hey, I feel so good when you say that. Yet I feel confused because I know you don’t want a girlfriend, but that’s something you would say to a girlfriend. Are you okay saying that to me without me being your girlfriend? Because I would love to hear it, and just let it be what it is, and just be in the moment when it happens…it was like he

    Tears are rolling down my face because I realize what this means to me. I’m feeling the gentle touch of someone genuinely masculine and caring and good a non-toxic, and it’s like someone just came and saved me from a dungeon. I think they are joyful tears…which are as you must know a treasure to have.
    This one I’ll be grateful to practically forever. This person is definitely my friend. That is for certain. I have made a very strong bond with him and yet I’m still feeling absolutely great about not being his girlfriend. Just for being a friend when I needed it.

    I don’t feel needy and deprived anymore. I feel like I was in a hot wasted desert and it was dry and cracking and burning and now I’m in a lush meadow full of butterflies with water flowing and soft grass.
    It’s night and day.

    I had dinner with a college friend tonight and he made a delicious dinner for us. That was nice. I missed him and we hadn’t talked because of J being so very controlling and jealous I was afraid of talking to my guy friends. That’s very dangerous.

    That guy friend told me I needed to kick J out and I am sorting it all out as I go. Told him to do his own dishes. He needs to sleep in his futon, set his own alarm, make his own coffee, and look for place. I am going to give him a 30 day notice when I have it written. Seems mean but I have to be cold about this. I won’t have him consume any more of me.

    Anyway, I just can’t stop feeling so good right now, because i actually have someone I trust taking care of me, and I feel like a princess….:)



  33.  #33Lilybelly on October 10, 2015 at 4:49 am

    Oh Indigo i am trying so hard and while it may not seem like it, i have been okay in front of him.. not rock starish but ok. He is consumed with his current trigger right now and has nothing to offer me at the moment. He just can’t. He is focused on his pain of remembering and reliving his trauma. I feel such compassion and empathy for him. He literally blocks himself off from feeling anything during these times.

    These are also the times where he makes bad decisions.

    I cant fix him. I can only love him the best way I know how and, from a distance.

    I will pack a bag today to take with ne in case i feel inspired to not come home. Space feels like relief to me.



  34.  #34Sirenity on October 10, 2015 at 4:52 am

    So lovely to read old friends words and thoughts and feelings. The blog helped me through my cancer surgery in 2010, getting past a dysfunctional relationship of long, long standing and into the new bright world of CDing.

    I found a man who seemed good for me for 18 months in 2013, but in the end, he couldn’t do it. He didn’t share his heart and he didn’t share his journey then he ran from commitment. It hurt, it took time to recover, but i learned so much.

    Next (after more CDing)..and there is always a “Next!” …came a wonderful man who shares my dreams and my reality. he is adoring me , offering me the world, loving on me totally…and he just had cancer surgery too. Thats the bad bit ..he is very ill and in hospital as i write here on the blog.

    But this man will get better and has plans to make all my dreams come true. Travel. less work. Long summer evenings in the garden. Adult kids around us. music, singing and more music (he is an opera singer). We just need healing and time together.

    So all my old blog friends , Femininewoman, Zara, turquoise and Starla to name a few..yes its real..yes they are out there when WE are ready , and YES…he will find us, present himself to us, give to us bountifully, open his heart to us and shower us with wonderful love and joy..WHEN WE ARE READY . We do the work..we get rid of old patterns and he will show up.

    So all Bloggers, stay constant and steady in looking for that man.

    He is out there.



  35.  #35CurvySiren10 on October 10, 2015 at 6:13 am

    “How does one ever hope to save a marriage, improve on it and grow within it if these things keep getting shoved under the rug only to bubble up again.”

    Lillybelly~~ first off, lots of love and hugs to you. And secondly, one CAN’T shove things under the rug and keep the closeness you once had. It simply won’t happen. That resentment between you has to be resolved, with empathy and understanding as the drivers. Then healing can begin and trust (ever so slowly) rebuilt.



  36.  #36Starla on October 10, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Lilybelly I recently had to go through something with someone I had a lot of history with and therefore a lot of assumptions. My therapist instructed me to read the 4 agreements by don Miguel ruiz. It helped me ground myself in some basics and not feel so at the mercy of what happens next. You can find info about the 4 agreements online too.



  37.  #37Starla on October 10, 2015 at 7:22 am

    Hi Sirenity, I am so happy to read your comment :-). It’s like this is turning into a blog reunion! I noticed I felt myself wanting to fiercely defend my current man when you mentioned the right man being “out there”. Haha well at least we know I love the guy. And I feel happy to notice that different thoughts and feelings are arising within me…that means I am pretty good with the mindfulness and self awareness. And it’s okay if they conflict or don’t make sense because my only job is to allow them to exist, and the rest will come.



  38.  #38Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 7:48 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Do you have some thoughts on when a man comes to stay over at your house. I get that we are not supposed to fuss over him or prepare food and drinks for him, and I don’t do that, but what about quirks that are specific to your place, that you have learnt to live with but may not be ideal for every guest. Such as if you have a cat, and he is not a cat person. Or if you only have hot water at certain times. Or you use a certain type of pillow which maybe not everyone finds comfortable. How far do you go to make him comfortable? What is overfunctioning?



  39.  #39Zara on October 10, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Killing the cat for a stranger’s sake is overfunctionning. 😉

    xxx



  40.  #40Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 8:21 am

    Zara #34!!!
    love it!!
    Hahahah!!! LOL!!
    Sooo funny!
    :-))))



  41.  #41Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Haha Zara! I would never do that, I adore her!

    But she’s very affectionate and what if a man doesn’t like cats? Do I intervene? What about the other points I raised?



  42.  #42Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 8:30 am

    Indigo…
    beautiful, soft, lovely you!!!
    my thoughts based on what I have been doing lately…

    Indigo… these are ALLLLL
    the wonderful things that ARE
    YOU!!!
    These are all the wonderful things
    He will find adorable and endearing
    *IF* you allow him to experience
    them!!!!

    I DO clean the house IF i have time…
    I’m NOT that tidy of a person so they do need to see
    and ADORE
    the real ME…

    I DON”T change ANYTHING… if the water isn’t always hot…
    IT’s ok !!!
    Make it Playful about the cold water
    Light hearted and FUN

    He’s there for YOU – NOT the temp of your water!!
    You’re the soft, feminine Goddess that is leading him to feelings!!!

    Ok he’s NOT fond of cats…
    Your the Princess…
    you don’t have to push the cat on him
    BUT… You do have a cat…
    It’s ok
    THIS IS VERY EARLY!!!

    And YES you have a special Pillow!!!
    We ALL DO!!!
    I imagine he does too…
    Playful and flirty about
    your princess pillow!!!

    Relax… Labbit had some awesome words about
    IF WE relax
    and simply open our hearts…
    There will be magic
    and HE can relax too!!!

    oxoxoxox



  43.  #43Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Oh Azure Blu thank you 🙂

    Thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom to me, they feel very reassuring and good 🙂

    Thank you 🙂



  44.  #44Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 8:34 am

    P.S. Idigo
    About the cat…
    I too have a cat… and he is curious and affectionate..
    sometimes…

    Maybe you could feel YOUR feelings and share them with him…
    “I feel so happy you’re here… I am feeling uneasy thinking my cat might be too much for you. How are your thoughts?”



  45.  #45Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 8:37 am

    indigo #38
    Ahhhh… I feel sunshiny and happy reading
    this…
    hugggsss!!



  46.  #46Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Serenity #29
    Ahhhh… such a Siren journey you have shared here
    on Siren Island…
    It is so important for me
    to read others journey’s who have been using Rori’s tools in their lives…

    So sorry to hear about your man and his cancer…
    I am happy to hear you are hopeful of his recovery and you are looking forward to MORE HAPPY years together.
    As you have mentioned
    We offer LOTS of support, listening ears,
    encouragement
    love and huggs



  47.  #47Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 9:05 am

    Ahhhh… I found this
    Labbit wrote this in June:

    Thought it VERY insightful
    she wrote this to Lovergirl…
    I hope it’s alright to share:

    “I know you are learning soooo much right now
    it is VERY confusing to learn how masculine-energy you’re being at the moment.
    S is already a masculine-energy man, right?
    So there isn’t room for two masculine leaders in the same relationship!
    No wonder you’re bumping heads.
    No wonder nothing is progressing.
    Masculine = worrying,
    thinking, planning,
    doing.
    When S reaches out to you,
    you’re letting some golden opportunities slide right by you.
    If you can open yourself up,
    be vulnerable,
    express yourself in a feminine-energy way,
    this will cause him to do the same.

    Right now what’s happening is that you
    are asking him to do everything.

    You want him to lead,
    to reach out to you first,
    BUT you also want him to
    share his emotions
    AND make you feel safe.
    It’s not going to happen.

    There is no man that could ever do this.
    He carries his 100% — the masculine energy,
    reaching out and leading.
    In return, you need to do your feminine part —
    opening up,
    sharing your feelings,
    creating a safe spot
    for both of you to share your feelings.

    At a very basic level,
    think of the masculine energy as being in the future
    and the feminine energy as being in the present.

    Feminine-energy:
–
    “I feel so good chatting with you right now!”
–
    “I feel so happy that you sold those items. You took care of that quickly, thank you! I really appreciate it…”
–
    “I’ve had such a wonderful day. I feel so relaxed right now just laying on my couch sipping some tea.”
–
    “I’ve had such a stressful day! I felt like I was running in a million directions at once. It feels so good to settle back into myself, feel calmer and relax…”

    And if that feels icky or doormat to you,
    well…I would ask you if there’s really FEAR
    underneath all of that…?
    Because yes,
    when things in a relationship are not going the way you want,
    it can be HARD to be the feminine-energy partner.
    It can be HARD to go first and share your emotions,
    really open up in this way, when he’s so closed down
    and you are scared of being hurt.
    It’s a RISK because even if you DO open up,
    DO be vulnerable,
    you CANT guarantee that he will open up,
    come closer,
    do what you want.
    You can’t control him.

    You are the emotional leader.
    It’s up to YOU to go first,
    to OPEN UP, to be VULNERABLE,
    to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE with your emotions.
    This makes a safe place for HIM to open up.
    He does not know how
    unless you go first.

    Men, their whole lives, learn that embracing and expressing their emotions is WEAKNESS.
    So it takes a LOT of safety
    that a woman creates
    before he’ll feel safe enough to say anything about his emotions.

    He may not even know what he’s feeling,
    because for his entire life society has told him
    to toughen up whenever he felt sad,
    or down, or upset.

    And like I said,
    the risk is that even if you do these things,
    he may not be able to come forward
    in the way you want.
    That doesn’t make these roles wrong…
    it simply means he can’t do relationship
    in the way you want right now.

    Feminine-energy partners hold the power of closeness in the palms of our hands.
    We control opening up,
    intimacy, and backing away
    when things don’t feel good.
    If you can learn to embrace this role,
    I have no doubt things will get better.

    That’s why I keep telling you to read everything of Rori’s that you can.
    LEARN how to be this feminine-energy partner.
    It’s OK that you don’t know…
    you’re in the right place.
    You aren’t making mistakes
    It ALL takes Practice
    Baby Steps… You’re living Your Life NOW…
    That’s fantastic!!!”



  48.  #48Azure Blu on October 10, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Mmmm… found this too…
    not sure who from
    but it’s inspiring to me today

    “Promises are worthless. Evidence is found only in behavior.
    We’re in charge of the interview process for the people we allow in our lives.

    We’re in charge of the standards we insist on for those permitted to be in a relationship with us and particularly those allowed into our homes, our hearts and our beds.

    If you’re getting hurt, stop ‘hiring’ until you’ve raised your standards and have a more thorough interview process.

    And most profoundly, even if there isn’t an ideal partner who has stepped up in life to meet your standards, by not settling for less, the right man will step up and meet you there.

    You weren’t born to be ordinary.

    Don’t settle. Raising your standards changes the world.

    The only answer to this is trust…
    trust that I will treat myself well no matter what,
    and also trust that opening myself up is safer than closing down,
    and that whatever feelings I experience as a result of opening up,
    any bad feelings or experiences won’t hurt nearly as badly as if I try to protect myself
    and lose out on love because I was shut down. Because shutting down guarantees hurt every time.

    Breathe
    Lean back
    Listen at level two
    Waterwheel
    Eyes are like magnets
    Silence is ok
    Feeling messages
    “I feel…..”
    Open heart, pool of gold
    UNZIP MY HEART….”



  49.  #49Femininewoman on October 10, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Hi Sirenity. Great to see you pop in.

    Haha 🙂 Zara you are too funny.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on October 10, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    It really does feel like a reunion on here. I wonder what the Universe is shining down on us to tell us?



  51.  #51Starla on October 10, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    🙂 🙂



  52.  #52Lilybelly on October 10, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    It does feel like a reunion. The Universe told me i needed youball. So, here I am.

    (((((Curvy)))))) Thank you. Feels great to see you!

    And Zara, i snorted outloud about the cat. Lol.

    Starla, i just so hapoen to have that book on my kindle. I have lots of re-work ahead of me and will add this to it. Thank you for reminding me of this fab book.

    I feel so cared for.



  53.  #53Lilybelly on October 10, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    Youball. Bwahahaha!!

    Kindle typing at its finest.



  54.  #54Turquoise on October 10, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Hi sirens, Sirenity… So good to see your update! Thank you for sharing. 🙂

    Hit a bump in the road today… My day started off bad… Dog threw up in my bed, we were late for a game, the kids lost and I was supposed to see Knight today, but not happening. He texted that he hadn’t slept well and had a funeral to stop at. Then texted me to say someone backed into him and his car had to be towed to the dealer. I haven’t heard much from him since and my mind started to wonder… Did he really have an accident, did he make that up, why aren’t I hearing from him? And I remember how skeptical I am, and that expecting the worst is such a bad thing for my emotions.
    The truth is, I don’t know him that well yet, or know how he handles stressful experiences. I’m shifting my focus to new plans for this evening, and feel comforted thinking that he will reach out, when he feels like it. If he doesn’t, that’s ok too…. As all I have invested so far were two fun dates and some great conversation. Letting go of triggers isn’t going to be easy, but I feel much more in control of my emotions now.



  55.  #55Turquoise on October 10, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Youball 🙂
    Yes, the universe has organized a reunion… And that’s so exciting!



  56.  #56Lilybelle on October 10, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    I have had a wonderful exchange with Dominique, truly wonderful and she has given me some great insight. Love you, Dominique. xoxo

    I have been thinking about this exchange a lot today as I had a lot of windshield time. I experienced the entire day, starting at 5:00 this morning, the coolness of the fall air on my face, the sparkling bright stars and in the car, the warmth of the sun on my face as I was driving, the beauty of the scenery with the fall colors just about to pop out, my Dad’s joy at finally being able to move into his new lake home, the kids playing and having fun.

    I haven’t really done this lately as I have been closed off and closed up and shutting out just about everything….so completely focused on me and my pain. No wonder things are such as they are… with me alone and us, as a couple.

    Is it possible that I have led us to this place with my inability to let go and continue to beat the drum of “the Lilybelle whose husband did these awful things to her.” Is it possible that by beating this drum, I have caused the space between us? I wonder who I would be if I had just let go and moved ahead instead of swirling and living and re-living all of this.

    At the very bottom of all of the feelings and this was huge for me..a ginormous AHA moment…

    I feel so terrified of being abandoned, of rejection and of being alone. (Whew..THAT was tough to admit) but honestly, wow. It never occurred to me that this was at the root and I can see clearly that it is, having stepped back and really listen to what was being said to me. I was so busy holding on to the angst that I never got deeper than those emotions to solve the why of it.

    I have work to do but I got this.



  57.  #57Lilybelle on October 10, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Those triggers and NV’s are tough, Turq. Mine are simply not content with a cookie and sitting in the corner. They are masters at storytelling and the incessant chatter makes my head hurt and my ears too, for that matter. Jabber, jabber, jabber.

    I know they are trying to keep me safe but I am going to start telling them that I would much rather prefer that I keep me safe and let them know I got this.

    Hope your evening is sparkly.

    Speaking of sparkly, I am going to go and spray some sparkles on me and get my evening started too. I love the sparkle in a can, it does wonders for me. It doesn’t smell the greatest but does a good number on my skin when I use it. I feel extra pretty when I use it. Sometimes, I spray it in my hair too. Yes, tonight I will do that too.



  58.  #58Turquoise on October 10, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Thanks lily belly, I forgot about giving them a cookie. 🙂 I love your sparkly idea… I think I’ll add some to my eyes!! 🙂 I wasn’t feeling too motivated to go out… Was thinking maybe I should stay home and clean my room… But no way, I’m free on a Saturday night, going out to enjoy it!!



  59.  #59Starla on October 10, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    My feeling is the universe brought us all back here to remind us to get back to basics and to see how far we have come also.



  60.  #60Divar on October 10, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    Azure Blu,
    I love your ideas. I will write it down in my Feeling Journal. 🙂 Thanks for your wise words.



  61.  #61Divar on October 10, 2015 at 8:04 pm

    Azure Blu,
    I love your ideas. I will write it down in my Feeling Journal. Thanks for your wise words.



  62.  #62Emerson on October 10, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Rori and sirens
    This article speaks to me so much right now, the timing is interesting because I’ve been grappling with my boy energy in overdrive …
    I need an intervention haha!!! Im out of control and overfunctioning!!!
    Oh Emerson stop….
    I can’t stop leaning forward with cutecityCD!!!
    What is wrong with me!
    I’m going crazy feeling desperate and lonely, it feels so shameful to admit that.
    I have no idea how to snap out of this!



  63.  #63Femininewoman on October 10, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    Yes you do Emerson you know you do.

    I am so surprised to see that cutecityCD is still in your orbit.



  64.  #64Emerson on October 10, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    I know fw I need to just leave it alone!
    Why is it so hard for me to meet someone!? Is it because I’m over 40 now?
    My world has gotten so small.
    I’ve been working ALOT.
    I know that is no excuse but it just feels so much harder now to meet people.



  65.  #65Emerson on October 10, 2015 at 9:43 pm

    Part of the problem is I feel this nervousness and sadness when I meet new people and I have to tell them I’m single and never been married etc…
    It’s so terrifying
    Especially going to a new church or starting a new job

    Help help help I don’t want To feel ashamed of who I am but people make judgments and I can’t face it sometimes…

    I know I’m making judgments on myself just by saying that!!!



  66.  #66Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Emerson,

    About stopping leaning forward with a man… I know it’s hard to do, but if I can do it anyone can. Just simply put down your phone, switch off your computer, go do something else. Force yourself if you have to. It gets easier with time.

    About other people and their judgements… I realised that I thought they were judging me for being single and unmarried, but in actual fact they were just saying the first thing that came into their head. It’s easy to make conversation about why a woman is still single and her trials and tribulations in the dating world. I wouldn’t take it too seriously. When people ask me the question why am I still single, I take it as the compliment it is and I tell them I’m looking for just the right fit for me. Hard to argue with that!



  67.  #67Indigo on October 10, 2015 at 11:09 pm

    Turquoise 49,

    I think this is why Starla and I were cautioning you not to get into an insta relationship with this guy or to run away with yourself with the things he was saying. Not because you don’t want to trust him, but because investing your own hopes and dreams and expectations inevitably leads to these kinds of disappointments and nasty voices where you feel like he has let you down. If he is just a date (which he is at this stage) then it is just another date being postponed or cancelled… at least he gave you ample warning rather than just not showing up. You have the right idea, turn your attention to something else and do something else fun. Try if you can to just be light and carefree with a man at this early stage!



  68.  #68Sirenity on October 11, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Wow Sirens..so lovely to update with you all. I have come a long way indeed thanks to “youball” 🙂 Whilst i may well have found the relationship that I want , I don’t really know as he is in a hospital bed with 5 tubes coming in and out of him. Time will clarify.

    I thought I found it last time,as “the Major” came on very full on at the start then kind of died in the a*** and in the end text deleted me..after 18 months. He really could not commit and worse still, he could not embrace change in his life. I could have questioned my judgement about accepting such a man and not seeing his full truth. i could have beat myself up for allowing myself to believe in a man who couldn’t do it. In the end I just thought..well what the hell, I cant predict the future, but I can sure enjoy the ride. And I get that its all ok. Its just the journey i am on.

    Opera Guy is very different. He is evolved , he is conscious about relating. He is a therapist when he is not being an opera singer.(Radlove always told me I needed to meet a therapist!) And he is in his masculine energy and just wants to take care of me , make me happy and be my man .He is planning our future and I am letting him take the reins. But right now is very stressful, especially for him!!! I don’t know the man who will come out of this experience.

    The interesting thing i found is that its so easy to invest in a man who isn’t really “there” for you,to gloss over the facts and so easy to ‘fall” for him , so easy to pine and get addicted to him. But its much more challenging to commit to, and invest in a man who is truly open and available. A good man who CAN do it can feel scary at first .

    As Indigo said , its about “investing” . Mostly we invest in our hopes and dreams of a man, not in the reality. Azure Blu thank you for the supportive words. yes the tools work . i am so very much aware with OG about staying in my feminine energy and letting him give to me. He wants to mow my lawns and i let him because he needs to be the man.I let it be known that the man should lead the relationship and he started planning (and I mean long term around us being together) with gusto. he says “someone has to drive this thing” and I tell him it feels great to be taken care of. His aim and goal is to look after me and make my life easier any way he can.We are going to have some amazing times and experiences when he heals. Even if the chance comes back, I know we are going to have some amazing times together. i feel accepting of whatever life is offering. These are the tools in action.



  69.  #69Sirenity on October 11, 2015 at 4:11 am

    Even if the cancer comes back, not the chance !!! Though in some ways the cancer really is a chance , a chance to reinvent and seize onto life 100%.

    Earlier today i was messaging with another “vintage “siren about our journeys. Its lovely to chat here again, Starla, Feminine woman, and of course, Zara 🙂 !!! I still have to find out what has happened to Lillybellex. Could be some catch up reading for me.



  70.  #70CurvySiren10 on October 11, 2015 at 6:09 am

    I struggle with some of this too Sirenity. I think those of us who are in masculine mode from 8-5, pushing our way through daily career life have a hard time surrendering and allowing our men to do what we are capable of doing. I have learned that just because I’m capable, doesn’t mean I *have* to do it for for myself. I’ve learned to graciously accept those acts of service, because I see how important it is for him to do those things for me.

    It’s another world with a man whose heart and mind are open and present. I am so very happy that you are experiencing this and pray for a long (albeit surely winding) road for you two to travel together!! xo



  71.  #71Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Indigo thank you for putting this in perspective. You are right, people usually just say the first thing that comes to mind naturally and I just need to get over how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

    I don’t like talking about myself that much to begin with, and this is such a very personal thing. I understand people’s curiosity.

    My challenge is getting over the shame of being single (sounds silly I know) and feeling ok with my personal statement.

    I feel “less than” for being over 40, ….like people feel sorry for me or I’m no longer “marketable” because of my age…I hate feeling like this! I need to change my perception.

    I am scared I will never ever meet someone to be my life partner. That terrifies me. What is the point of living if I have to be alone? Not meant in a self destructive way but just expressing that It feels awful.

    I like what you said I’m looking for the right person for me.

    I am thinking about going out of my comfort zone today.



  72.  #72Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 7:05 am

    I feel ashamed to say there is nothing I want more than to be with a man that I feel compatible with and to love. I have a good career that is stressful and I am good at what I do.
    I have hobbies and activities that I do 2 times a week or so.
    I have a few friends that are usually busy and I only see like once a month.
    But aside from these interests, what I really want is that male companion.
    Sometimes I just want male energy around me. Even though I love my girl friends.
    I get tired of female energy around me all the time.
    I work in a female dominated industry.
    I get tired of being around women.

    I feel desperate enough to the point that at times I want to call WorkCrush who I know likes me a lot but he is married. I love his energy and I feel shame that I would even want him. And I feel thankful that I can express this here. I won’t contact him. I wouldn’t do that to his wife. But the thought is there.

    I feel pathetic expressing these things here but I also feel relieved in that I am hoping i can let some of these negative thoughts and feelings go by sharing them here.



  73.  #73Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 7:25 am

    Curvy siren
    Yes I can relate to having the masculine role in full force during the work week and it really does take a conscious effort to turn it down or turn it off!

    Thank you for bringing this up and it helps to be aware of it. I have been in boy energy overdrive looking for male attention from an old cd. Time to lean back big time



  74.  #74Lilybelle on October 11, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Emerson,

    Besides not wanting to do that to his wife, I can promise you that you don’t want to do that to YOU either.

    You have this.



  75.  #75Lilybelle on October 11, 2015 at 7:31 am

    Sirenity,

    Loved that you used my spelling…

    *youball

    I giggled right out loud.



  76.  #76T-Girl on October 11, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Something told me to pop on here today and it was so wonderful to see lots of my old blog friends! Now I need to catch up on old posts to see what is going on. I just want to send out a bunch of hugs to you guys today! <3



  77.  #77Lilybelle on October 11, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Awww, ((((((T-Girl)))))) Feels so good to see you here.



  78.  #78Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Hi Tgirl and lillybelle!

    Lillybelle thank you for your reply to me and yes you are correct. i don’t want to do that to myself.
    I’m uncovering some deep rooted beliefs about myself that I need to change. They are feelings of unworthiness. I come up with all kinds of reasons why I’m unworthy or not good enough. I don’t know where This comes from, my parents were always supportive and still are. I always knew they love me. I have had relationships and I’ve been proposed to by 3 different men that I had relationships with in my life and said no to all of them.
    None of them felt right and all for different reasons.

    I’m ready for my forever relationship. I am open to it and I have to focus on me and what I want.



  79.  #79Olivia on October 11, 2015 at 10:45 am

    @Rena
    No one addressed your questions I don’t think and I will weigh in b/c I feel really confident what Rori would say!
    It’s not wrong to “expect” him to come offline — how could it be wrong to have a feeling and feel frustrated?
    BUT it probably won’t serve you to bring it up to him for many reasons: it feels like leaning in – it feels like chasing him – it feels like you saying “yes!” to the relationship when you just started seeing each other – who knows if he is the guy for you?
    So instead you keep circuling dating out there in the world – even if it is just dating yourself and flirting with men you encounter – but hopefully it is going on lots of actual coffee/drink/whatever dates to practice your Siren skills!
    If this man is your twin flame you seek you will not lose him by taking it slow
    In fact you will stoke his flames 100x more by having your own stuff going on



  80.  #80Indigo on October 11, 2015 at 11:45 am

    Rena,

    I echo what Olivia has said. You don’t want to bring this up with him at this stage. It would feel like forcing a relationship talk, and ideally he should be the one initiating that. If he has not asked you for a relationship and for exclusivity I would say continue dating others until he does.



  81.  #81Indigo on October 11, 2015 at 11:56 am

    I have had such a lovely weekend. I spent Friday night with the new guy, B, the one whom I had the lovely first date with on Wednesday night. We spent the afternoon at my place and then went out for dinner and then met up with my friends for a brief while afterwards. A great night and lots of fun. He is a really great guy. Very, very attentive and affectionate and easy to be around, and I can just tell would make a great boyfriend.

    Yesterday I didn’t have anything planned, and really that was for the best. I was tired and really needed a day to rest and take care of my various things to do that had been piling up.

    This evening I had a movie date with Bush Boy. This was remarkable because I have not seen him in a month – we have made plans but it has always been one thing and another that has come up. I get the feeling that he likes to take things very slow and that is more than fine by me. There has been lots of very sweet texting in between, which I have really enjoyed. Our date tonight was lovely – relaxed, mellow, affectionate. It was great to see him again.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on October 11, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    Oh my T-Girl!!! You too?? So good to reconnect with everyone. 🙂



  83.  #83Femininewoman on October 11, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    Hi Rena. When you said try things out I wonder what you meant? Does he knows what you mean? What kind of agreement or commitment did you make? Did the online profile thing come up when you decided to try things out? Are you clean about what he meant about trying things out? I ask because when I go to test drive a car I usually try more than one. I apply the same kind of thinking to relationships so I never agree to try to things out with any one person. Never take the car or house off the market until I get the best offer. /believe during a trial period all options are open. What I am saying is I encourage you to revisit what you agreed to. Check to see the reason why you expect him to get offline.



  84.  #84Liquid Light on October 11, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    I had an interview last week. It was very intense. I had to do a presentation, and then had 4 one on one interviews afterwards. One of the people I interviewed with, I had a really nice connection with. He would be a colleague, another designer, that I would collaborate closely with. He started off the one on one interview by asking me getting to know me type questions. Like where was I from and stuff. It threw me off because I wasn’t expecting it. But then afterwards, I thought its probably a good sign as he is feeling me out to see I would be someone he would enjoy working with or not. We had a great chat and could definitely see that we would get along.

    But then today it started dawning on me that maybe there’s more to it than that. It was definitely a bit odd since he skipped over professional questions entirely and launched into the more personal ones. Know I’m starting to get an uneasy feeling that he was kinda hitting on me. Ughh. That thought makes me feel like barfing. If I was offered the job, and took it then I would have to deal with that energy all over again. And as many of you know here I’ve had a really difficult time with a manager hitting on me at my current job. Its been absolutely an awful situation and I really don’t want to repeat it, ever. Ughh. Barf. Such a bummer.

    Thoughts ladies?



  85.  #85Waterfall on October 11, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    Evening sirens,

    I’m just coming on here to let off a bit of steam. Lately at work things have been building up. I seem to be sat in a team that don’t want to liaise with me, talk to me, communicate with me.. I am finding it all so isolating and stressful.

    At work we have been split into small teams of one designer (me), one developer and one product owner.

    We are given a road map of what needs to be achieved within our team and we are told to “get on with it”.

    I am not sure what my role is. I am a designer and usually you will work with the product owner, or some other person to discuss what needs to be designed. Here I am just being left to my own devices and I am being expected just to provide designs as and when the team wants them. When I tell them that I need support or that I need more time they look at me like I am being a huge pain in the ass.

    I am met with just question like why do I need more time, when will the designs be finished exactly, what does this design do, why have I choose these colours, type faces, etc, etc…

    I can’t understand how I am supposed to work. There is no structure, no time frame, no one to discuss things with. Yet I am just expected to produce all of these fully finished designs with every scenario thought about and planned for. I am just feeling exasperated…

    Everyone that I talk to outside of the team seems to get what I am talking about. But within the team they look at me like I am nuts!! It is all so confusing, I have found myself obsessing about and just having panic attacks about going into work. I feel like phoning in sick just to get out of it…

    We were in a meeting the other day and initially it was supposed to be an ideas type of meeting, a starting point. I had been told it was just a workshop to come up with “some ideas”.

    But in the meeting it became apparent that the Product Owner wanted me to outline bit by bit what I was designing, how it worked, how it would be delivered, what else I was going to work on.

    I sat there aghast! Up until that point no-one had discussed anything with me, so I was not aware that I was supposed to produce all of this for the meeting.

    I keep telling them that I don’t really know what I am supposed to be producing, but rather that discuss this with me they keep on asking for designs. It is doing my head in beyond belief.

    Yet it is such a difficult situation because when I argue my case I am just met with, “but you’re a designer, what’s wrong with us expecting you to design?’…

    And I just don’t have any response for them. I just put my tail between my legs and skulk back to my desk. But I am so unhappy inside…

    All design jobs seem to be like this at the moment. You sit within the development team and you just have people bark at you all day for designs. It is so demeaning, I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel so low….



  86.  #86Liquid Light on October 11, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    Waterfall,

    I’m not sure if this will help you or not. I read your post with interest, I am also a designer so I can really relate to your situation!

    That sounds like a really frustrating experience. I’m guessing that everyone is too busy to have come up with the detailed requirements or have even been able to think about what’s needed.

    Could you start by perhaps coming up with some preliminary very high level designs? Even if they are totally off base, chances are it will get the ball rolling and you will get feedback. If you can, provide a couple different approaches, again very high level, more like sketches. You can rework and refine as needed from there. It might help your the team to start to define the direction.

    Sometimes people need something concrete to look so that they can start to wrap their heads around the design. Sometimes it can help the team to define the requirements too. Its not a very efficient way to work, and its very frustrating, but it might help to jumpstart the process.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Good luck!



  87.  #87Waterfall on October 11, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Liquid Light,

    Hello, and thank you so much for your post!!

    Yes, you are spot on with your observations.

    We are working in a Lean Agile environment so nobody come up with any detailed requirements.

    I do put sketches and concepts together but the minute I show them to the team they want to start building them instantly. They will also want all the annotations and various screen size etc, plus all the assets, artwork etc..

    On the surface these can seem like really simple lightweight designs, but there is still a lot to think about and deliver.

    In theory the designs can be iterated on but that never really seems to happen that way.

    Take for example I decided just to put together some concepts myself but they weren’t really completely working. In fact they were more like loose ideas, and most people could see that.

    But when I showed them to my team they instantly grabbed them off me and started building them.

    During this process I rearranged the design quite considerably and also the look and feel changed. But still I would consider it not 100% working.

    It makes it very difficult to annotate these designs and send assets and also think about designs that will also be needed for various screen sizes when you are also aware that these designs are changing.

    It only makes it difficult because the developers are getting wedded to the preliminary sketches and think I am changing things for the sake of it. They don’t understand…

    Unfortunately I think it’s the people I am working with. Whatever I show them they seem to have a blank expression on their faces. They wouldn’t know a good design from a bad design, they just want me to hand them over something.

    The only problem there is is that whatever they develop is a reflection of me, and it looks bad on me as the designer. They are just taking designs that are half done and half baked and they are building them and I know they won’t change them or care about what they look like..

    Pft…



  88.  #88Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    Hi liquid light and waterfall!
    So nice to see both of you here!
    I find it interesting to read about your struggles at work.
    I know how frustrating it can be when working with a team that seems to be hard to communicate with.
    This is a minor thing but I work with a woman who says “yes ma’am” in response to EVERYthing I say! I told her she does not have to call me that and asked her not to which she responded with “yes ma’am”! Argh!!!
    Sometimes I just accept the fact that certain people are difficult to work with, but it feels draining. Not sure how to get her to stop saying it! Drives me nuts!



  89.  #89Liquid Light on October 11, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    Waterfall,

    Ahh yes its Agile. I get it. I’m working in an Agile/Lean environment now too.

    Here’s a suggestion. Keep in mind that I don’t know your situation so these suggestions may or may not be that useful. Since its a short time frame for each sprint, then I can see that the developers are hungering for the designs so that they can meet their deadline.

    Here’s what I try to do. Just do your best and give them the design that’s your best guess with the information you have now. Then in a future sprint, you can tweak the design and improve upon it (hopefully.) So that sometimes helps me to take the feeling of pressure off since I know that I don’t have to try to deliver a perfect design for each sprint.

    Also, I would try to push back on them asking for annotated designs. If its Agile, then everyone knows that part of the philosophy is that there is less emphasize on documentation, and more emphasis on MVP (Minimum Viable Product) and that includes specifications or detailed design documentation. You might have to keep reiterating this idea. That you won’t be able to provide good design for each sprint if you have to spend all your time annotating them. Let them know that you will available for questions/discussion when anything comes up during development. That’s also in the Agile spirit – direct communication vs. indirect communication (documentation).

    I would also keep emphasizing MVP and each time a developer or someone brings up another requirement or change, ask them if its truly MVP. That will help keep the discussions focused on what’s really critical.

    Also, ideally with Agile, design should always be a sprint or two ahead of development. I know this is very hard to do sometimes but it might be worth it to try to communicate this to the team (repeatedly) so that you can start to be ahead of the sprints. That way you will be in a less reactive mode.

    Its been my experience that Agile is a very engineering driven process so as designers I find that we have to be very firm and assertive about inserting our design process into the Agile methodology. And that means trying to educate the team about how to best do that so that you can be the most successful at designing good products for the company.

    Good luck and know that you and every other designer are struggling with these same issues when working in an Agile world! Its NOT easy.



  90.  #90Liquid Light on October 11, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Emerson, Thank you! Its nice to see you here too!!!

    Ughh, that would really bother me too!



  91.  #91Divar on October 11, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    Emerson and other single Sirens,

    Being single and never married is way better than getting stuck in a stale relationship. You are in a way better position to pick the right man by setting strong boundaries and high standards. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If people judge, they may be actually jealous of your freedom. Enjoy circular dating and pamper yourself as much as you can! 🙂



  92.  #92Starla on October 11, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    My guy and I just now didn’t get into a fight and didn’t sweep it under the rug! He did his part. I love feeling like my guy has our backs. It is the big, free, safe, unconcerned feeling I wish to have in my love relationship. I want to carry it with me always. I suppose I could since I have a good chance to really examine it right now so I can recreate it within myself moving forward.
    BIG
    FREE
    SAFE
    UNCONCERNED
    OBVIOUS

    Yes. Good! I want to feel this way towards MYSELF. I am going to think of what exactly it would look like to take care of myself to feel those things about my relationship with myself.

    I feel safe to move forward in so many ways.



  93.  #93Starla on October 11, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Yes, push back on the annotations! It’s absurd to be asked to provide them before they’ve identified what they’re really looking for. in fact, if possible I’d adopt an attitude of that being the basic policy. The advice above is all stuff I agree with. Good luck! I experienced this exact expectation with a client this year and it was painful, but once it became treated as a matter of process, things started running much smoother.



  94.  #94Emerson on October 11, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    Thanks Divar!



  95.  #95Divar on October 11, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    Emerson,
    You’re welcome! Sirens are ageless. 🙂 We set our own rules even people don’t agree.



  96.  #96Millie on October 11, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    Azure love that post from Labbit!! I wonder how she is, I don’t think I’ve seen her post awhile….

    I did this cheesy love pattern quiz from a link I found on Facebook…and it turns out my love pattern is the “Protective”. For this author, there are five love patterns, I’m sure we all encompass them a little bit, but Protective definitely made sense. The part that stuck out to me was……that you’ve been burned in love more than once and that painful experience causes you to push intimacy away…you equate love with pain because that’s what you know. You hide this with pickiness. No man is good enough and you find a reason to reject him so you don’t have to be hurt later when you find out he isn’t right for you after all….

    I totally see how I’ve become uber picky about men. I write them off online very easily…and I admit, part of me is really scared and doesn’t want to deal with it.

    The other thing the love pattern analysis said was that a Person with a Protective love pattern tends to shove problems under the rug when they are in a relationship. While I don’t THINK I do that…looking back, I can many instances where I did! Where I didn’t communicate..and instead let things fester and build up until communication just wasn’t really there or strong.

    FeminineWoman–maybe this is where the cluttered desk comes in…I let things get buried or build up instead of addressing them as they occur or are given to me. I procrastinate sorting things out.

    Very interesting.



  97.  #97Zia on October 12, 2015 at 12:06 am

    Referencing this blog post – yep, sometimes you lose them and someone far better comes along 🙂



  98.  #98Sirenity on October 12, 2015 at 1:51 am

    T Girl and Curvy are hereWhere is Daria? Does she still write here? too…must be something in the atmosphere. Where is Daria ? Does she still write here?



  99.  #99Divar on October 12, 2015 at 3:58 am

    Hi Sirens!
    I read a wonderful article written by a loving Dad to his little daughter. His words just warm my heart. He told his little one that the only thing to keep a man’s interest is to be herself. And he talks about what kind of man will be her Mr Right. Please check out this wonderful article in the link below:
    http://brightside.me/article/one-mans-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband-10955/

    I will say the same things to my little one in the future. 🙂



  100.  #100Lilybelly on October 12, 2015 at 4:08 am

    A good thing happened this weekend, well it wasn’t good that it happened but the way I felt my way through it and the outcome was very good.

    J has been triggered, as you are aware and it is a painful process for him. He woke in a foul, foul mood yesterday and we were up at our friends place for the night and enjoyed a lovely evening with friends and a bonfire of epic proportion. So when he twisted his head on his body at me, I simply responded with “That felt really, really awful to me and if this is how the day is going to go, I will not be going anywhere with you.” I got our belongings together, got my doggy and got in the car and went home. There were no other words exchanged.

    He texted me a couple of hours later telling me he was safe and to “get ready”. I just said I would see him when he arrived.

    When he did arrive, I was out on the patio, soaking up the warmth and enjoying the sun. He came out, said some sappy words from a love song we enjoy and told me that he was immensely sorry, that I absolutely did the best thing possible by leaving and that it gave him a chance to look at things from my perspective. And, he apologized. Profusely.

    The remainder of the day was light and breezy and enjoyable.

    I feel proud, There wasn’t even a hesitation on my part to leave when I did. I knew I was taking care of myself in the biggest way possible and simply enjoyed the morning. Go me!



  101.  #101Turquoise on October 12, 2015 at 5:37 am

    Good morning sirens!
    Well, Knight texted me about 8:30 Saturday night to say he’d just gotten dropped off at home. I responded with something about that being a long day. So a little later he called, but I told him I only had a few min. Because I was out with my sister. He had a reasonable story about how he’d had his jeep towed to the dealer and left his phone in the car, had a friend run him around… It was plausible, but the best part was that for me, it didn’t really matter if it was true or not. If he’s lying to me, it will come out, or he will poof from my life. I was out having a great time and wasn’t worrying about him. We ended up talking later, and had a great conversation… So I’m open to seeing how things go, but no expectations. I was excited to meet someone I felt so connected to. But there is no rush to anything.



  102.  #102Turquoise on October 12, 2015 at 5:41 am

    And I’m so so happy to see you all here!
    Daria popped in on my first post about two weeks ago. I bet she will say hello again soon!



  103.  #103Turquoise on October 12, 2015 at 5:42 am

    Awesome Lillybelly. So good to do what feels sure to you, and for him to respond. I often feel like I don’t react out of fear of the consequence. So I endure.



  104.  #104Femininewoman on October 12, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Millie doesn’t it feel great to recognize these things for yourself? The emails and messages that you have deleted shows you are able to unclutter your love and there is no need to procrastinate.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on October 12, 2015 at 6:05 am

    Lilybelly I am feeling so curious. What do you mean by he twisted his head on his body to you?



  106.  #106Lilybelly on October 12, 2015 at 6:32 am

    Hi, FW..
    What i meant by that was his anger bubbled up and i was reminded of Linda Blair from the exorcist.



  107.  #107Lilybelly on October 12, 2015 at 6:33 am

    I am looking forward to seeing Daria too.



  108.  #108Divar on October 12, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Lilybelly #100,
    Wow, you are so courageous. That’s a good way to set boundaries. I got to learn from your experience.



  109.  #109Lilybelly on October 12, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Awwww, Divar… thank you so much. Feels great to receive the positve feedback.

    Thank you also, Turq. Hope you sparkled over the weekend.



  110.  #110Azure Blu on October 12, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Mandy #32
    Ohhh… lovely Siren…
    How exciting to see you
    and know how far you have come
    how much you have grown…
    Brava – Goddess Siren…

    You asked “can someone say they love you
    to you and remain a circular date”

    My thoughts are – and what I have done:
    If I am NOT in love with the man
    when he tells me that (men do get overwhelmed with emotion in the beginning)
    Especially if it is early on
    and I am still dating others
    and am still observing and seeing
    if this man is someone I could be exclusive with…
    I continue to date others…

    Mandy you are still living with J
    you haven’t even had a chance to enjoy your freedom
    explore time alone
    Explore the freedom of doing, seeing, skipping and running all by your Adorable, beautiful,
    Amazing self!!!

    Give yourself the GIFT
    of YOU time!!!

    love and huggs

    honor your boundaries of
    NOT wanting to be a girlfriend!!!



  111.  #111Azure Blu on October 12, 2015 at 7:36 am

    Lillybell #100
    Wow!!! Rock Star Siren
    You Rocked that!!!

    Text book Rori tools in Action!!!
    thank you for sharing…

    I could feel the love and compassion you
    showed yourself by leaving.

    His anger sounds overwhelming..



  112.  #112Indigo on October 12, 2015 at 8:57 am

    Turquoise 101,

    I feel glad to read about the shift in perspective that you were able to achieve, and I know exactly what you mean. There is a guy in my life, I call him Bush Boy on here. He is in conservation and travels a lot for work – in fact, whenever he is working, he is travelling. We have only had 3 dates and seen each other 4 times in the last month – often work or a family commitment has come up at the last moment for him. Actually now that I say it like that it doesn’t sound so bad at all. I feel far more connected to him than any other guy I have dated for a long time – he has so many of the qualities I am looking for in a forever man, including that I just love and deeply respect what he does and the things he is passionate about, and that we have a similar background so there is a good fit. I also feel so warm and relaxed and comfortable with him, like sinking into a deep easy chair. Last night when he reached over in the movies and just casually put his hand reassuringly I thought it was the most content I’ve been in a long time. It felt so warm and solid.

    And yet I think because of everything I’ve learned so far I know how important it is to trust a man’s timing and be in a leaned back, feminine position, so not getting into an insta-relationship and not “blaming” him for his work and other commitments has been relatively easy. I feel actually quite fine and happy with all of this.



  113.  #113Indigo on October 12, 2015 at 8:58 am

    * reassuringly on my leg (I love it when men do that! It’s so protective and romantic, and yet so relaxed)



  114.  #114Starla on October 12, 2015 at 10:00 am

    Lilybelly, I love how you handled that! I am striving to handle things much the same way.



  115.  #115Femininewoman on October 12, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Lilybelly if that is how he expresses his anger it is what it is. If there was no attack on your physical person (I didn’t see the movie) could it be that your mind makes the experience of him bigger than it really is?

    I think it was really great for you to leave and take care of your fear or whatever emotions arose. Now it is time to look deep inside to see if this fear or whatever the feeling was, is something that is serving you. See if it is being driven by a past experience or not.



  116.  #116T-Girl on October 12, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    Lillybelly that was awesome what you did and how you chose to honor you. At the same time, I can’t imagine how hard it must have felt to do that. (((hugs)))



  117.  #117Azure Blu on October 12, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Indigo…
    So glad to hear how your cding is going!!!

    Bush Boy sounds really nice…
    and as you mentioned 4 dates in a month
    is really good… Not going too fast…
    a nice amount of time in between…
    YOu sound like you are relaxed and enjoying all this adoring attention!!
    oxoxo



  118.  #118Waterfall on October 12, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Liquid Light, Starla,

    Thank you for your response. It’s spot on!

    I think everything has been so up in the air lately. It is just me trying to manage everything on my own and it’s been too overwhelming.

    I’ve had the senior engineer on my case, moaning at me that all the other teams are far more ahead than we are.

    To be honest I’m not a great believer that speed is always the answer, especially with design. An ill thought out design can cost so much more in the long run.

    Stake holders loose faith in what you can do, morale dips (especially your own), other members of the team get panicky, other colleagues feel the need to step in. It all gets very complicated and that’s what I’m nervous about.

    Also, I’m not sure how we are measuring success with what we are doing, and that is at the crux of what is holding us back. It’s ironic though because many things that I work on can’t always be quantitatively measured, and none of the team that I work with seem to “get” that. They are obsessed with numbers and stats.

    I think part of the issue is is that the developers feel the need to prove themselves and they are looking at me to deliver something really exciting and juicy.



  119.  #119Waterfall on October 12, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Starla,

    So nice to see you on the blog again!!

    Thanks for your response to my post too…



  120.  #120Starla on October 12, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Waterall, I have been thinking about you all morning. If you can frame the process as you provide possibilities (without annotations) to help guide them in determining what it is exactly they’re wanting to develop (aka work ready specifications), and then that annotations and all the trimmings come after that pivotal point, you will still be the hero every step of the way.

    I had to push back HARD on my client that fussed over this. I can’t tell you how many times they tried to tell me “well, we don’t have any sort of specifics for you because we’re really leaning on you as experts…” which is fine and dandy, but expecting a full set of annotations and more for each possibility is just a waste of time. Of course, the client didn’t think there’d be more than one possibility. They simply wanted us to get it totally right with our psychic abilities the first time :P.



  121.  #121Liquid Light on October 12, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    Waterfall,

    Yeah, I agree with everything that Starla said.

    Re. the design, the only way to really know if it is successful or not is through usability testing or some other way to gather customer feedback. If they aren’t willing to build that into the budget and schedule then they can’t demand it to not mention have any way to “measure” success. Otherwise its a bit of a crap shoot and all you can do is to do your best with limited time and requirements. It won’t be perfect and its ridiculous for them to expect that.

    Just my 2 cents.



  122.  #122Turquoise on October 12, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    I’m realizing I’m so suspicious of men… Are they lying, can I find anything online googling them, why no social media? I want proof they are who they say they are.. But guess what… It’s exhausting worrying about all that. It’s totally leaning forward and boy energy and feels awful. I’m safe when I date. I drive myself, a friend or my sister always know where I am… Men have a right to privacy too… Especially in the beginning. So while I don’t want to waste time with players and liars, I also can stress myself out with worry. This is another great reason to CD. I don’t need to prove to myself who they are. I can allow room for them to step up and prove it to me or not. The new change in me… I am letting go of the urgency and rush in dating. That feels really good.
    So my CDIng for today… Reaching out to the young guy I used to date… He does landscaping so I texted and asked him to cut my grass this week. It felt AMAZING to come home and have that taken care of. He won’t ask to be paid either. He didn’t even text me back, just did it. Gotta love that boy energy!!
    Indigo, I’m feeling the same way about knight. He’s warm and attentive….but smart, hardworking and has a lot of characteristics I love. Barely drinks, not a party guy, generous and has sexy blue eyes…, I’m hopeful things continue to go well….but it won’t crush me if it doesn’t.



  123.  #123Lilybelly on October 12, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Turq~ Suspicions come from experience..old tapes playing or as Mel used to call them, Mice aka NV’s. Its a protective thing, isn’t it, whether its founded on fact or not. They are tough and probably one of the toughest things I am up against. I totally feel you.

    How lovely to have your yard taken care of for you.

    More tomorrow. Wishing you all well.



  124.  #124Turquoise on October 12, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    Yes, will be hard to let that totally go. NV’s sometimes feels like gut instinct.

    Awe Mel and her mice. I remember 🙂



  125.  #125Indigo on October 12, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    Turquoise 122,

    I really relate and agree with everything you are saying here. For me, I have realised I find it harder, much harder, to maintain that easy-breezy, no rush no urgency attitude if I have already had sex with a man. I goofed and had sex with B the other day. It was too soon, I wasn’t ready and I knew it, but I allowed myself to get carried away in the moment. Sure enough, my feelings started to change from the very next day.

    Anyway, last night I had a conversation with him where I told him how I felt and that sex changes things for me, and that I felt that I might have had sex with him too soon. I have decided that I will not have sex with a man again until I am more sure of him.

    I have not had sex yet with Bush Boy and that makes it much easier for me to have a light, unconcerned, no rush attitude, which I far prefer, especially at this early stage. If I can, I would really like to hold off on having sex with him until we have spent more time together and I can ask him what his plan is, and whether he has one. I have made this mistake too many times in the past! Not clarifying this with a man!



  126.  #126Indigo on October 12, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    Azure Blu 117,

    Thank you! I am learning a lot from your journey too!



  127.  #127Azure Blu on October 13, 2015 at 3:50 am

    Indigo #125
    How vulnerable and authentic to share the feelings
    you are having about s*x with B

    What did he say when you had this conversation?

    I too have found that I am NOT able to be emotionally easy breezy
    after I have had s*x with a man…
    Sooo… I’m pretty good at waiting…

    Having gone MANY years without s*x…
    There were times when I thought
    things might have closed up and sewn up
    and were no longer
    working!!!!@^&**
    :-/
    BUT sure enough when the attraction is there
    EVERYTHING starts working!!! :-))



  128.  #128Beryl on October 13, 2015 at 6:13 am

    I have been quietly reading here, as I just found this site and I am well pleased.

    I am so grateful to know that women can actually read and comment on a site that builds us up, rather than tears us down. It’s so peaceful here.

    Thank you site owner and commenters too!



  129.  #129Rena on October 13, 2015 at 7:00 am

    Olivia #79, indigo #80 and femininewoman #83,
    I have decided to not let it bother me…his being online. I know his subscription ends on the 19th of this month and will wait to see what happens then. For now, we had a great weekend together and he was very attentive. I let him do most of the work as far as calling,texting etc… and he does it daily. I’m letting him “chase”me! I am enjoying the time spent with him and will take it day by day.
    Thank you for responding



  130.  #130Rena on October 13, 2015 at 7:23 am

    We had a conversation on Sunday about us being together again and how comfortable we felt with each other, like we had never broken up. He felt I was being myself…and he is right. I realize the first time we were exclusively dating, I was so afraid of losing him that I wasn’t myself around him. I used an example: I just started doing yoga and was afraid of doing crow pose because I did not want to hit the floor. One day I tried it…and yes, I fell on my face. After that, the fear was gone and I continued to practice the pose. That is how I feel about our relationship now. We tried it once, it failed…I survived and was able to move on with my life. He asked for a second chance and we’re both trying it. I am being myself now and he notices this because he made a comment once in conversation.



  131.  #131Azure Blu on October 13, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Rena #128 &29

    I love that you are able to let this go!!!

    THIS Siren song is sooo sweet and all about
    taking care of and loving YOU!!!

    Such a great analogy… It’s ok to fail…
    in fact there is Sooo much to learn
    about US
    When we let ourselves go for it…

    interesting how he notices you are being
    YOUR authentic, vulnerable self…
    giving HIM so much more to love!



  132.  #132April Rose on October 14, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Aw Beryl,

    I feel all soft and gooey reading your comment.

    Welcome to the blog, and I hope you feel free to write about what’s going on for you.



  133.  #133Turquoise on October 14, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    Indigo, I definitely lose my senses when I’m having sex. Someone who may not have even seemed like a great match, starts to look mighty attractive.
    I haven’t had sex since spring. Knight and I have talked about it, and we plan to wait…. See how things go, before anything like that happens. I told him I don’t want to regret it. But boy that man can kiss and I find myself daydreaming about spending the night with him. We’ve already got that part of the relationship where talking and texting slows down. We still communicate daily, but he’s been swamped at work, and I’ve had so much to catch up on at home…. Literally it’s been laundry for days, that I know it’s just that time, when you take a step back and see if this person really can fit in your life. The NV’s have gotten me a bit with the what it’s….. But really trying not to stay in that place. Really glad I haven’t slept with him, and trying to deal with that first batch of space.



  134.  #134Femininewoman on October 15, 2015 at 6:22 am

    Welcome to the site Beryl and the Rori Raye family.



  135.  #135Azure Blu on October 15, 2015 at 7:23 am

    (((Beryl)))
    welcome to Siren Island…



  136.  #136Caroline on October 15, 2015 at 9:00 am

    I have been dating this gi=uy for 6 months now. He’s a deputy sheriff and his work schedule is tough but we work around it. Last month we talked about our relationship and I aksed him if he wants to take this journey with me and see where we go and he said yes. Now I winder if its true. He worked all last weekend for an under cover stint so we did not see each other but we kept in contact. This weekend we are not seeing each other because its his fathers birthday and the family is all going to Fresno to see the rest of the family. He didn’t tell me this untell yesterday when I asked. UGH. I do not know what to think or do. I am starting to question if he is in this relationship or not. Help.



  137.  #137Indigo on October 15, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Caroline,

    What is your status as a couple? Are you exclusive, is the relationship committed? Because “take this journey with me and see where we go” is somewhat ambiguous. It could mean that you are just dating, in which case he has every right to make his own plans, and you should probably still be dating others. If you are exclusive and committed, have you talked about what that means, in terms of amount of time spent together, contact etc.? Did you bring up the relationship talk, or did he?

    If you are exclusive and committed, and it sounds from what you say that you might be exclusive, but not committed, then it would be good for you to tell him in feeling messages how you feel and that you miss him. If you are not, I would encourage you to take your focus off him and schedule some fun things for yourself to do. You can continue to observe him, but 6 months is a long time if he has always been like this. On the other hand, he is a police officer – he is always going to have serious work commitments, you probably need to work out if you are fine with that.



  138.  #138Zara on October 15, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Caroline 136

    Copy-pasted

    _________________________________

    How To Date a Righteously Busy Man

    Men who are righteously “busy” are a challenge.

    You can’t fault them for not spending time with you because they’re saving the world.

    Or leading a symphony, or holding down two jobs, or taking care of their small children after wrestling custody of them from their drug-addict ex-wives. (I’ve dated a man in that situation – it’s not as far-fetched as you’d think.)

    So, here’s a letter about that, from Anna, who’s looking at this in a way that will not work for her. It’s almost a “doormat” way to look at things…because she’s got one of those righteously busy men, and he seems like such a prize.

    Remember, as you read this — it doesn’t matter HOW GREAT he is. If you want a fling with an amazing, difficult, busy man, then do it. But if you want lifelong love and family and attention, affection and great sex…look elsewhere…:

    “Rori, I read your articles all the time. Thanks for your insight! I am seeing a medical student 4th year. We have been friends for a while, so I know the demands of his schedule. We tried to take it past the friendship level (not sex), but the pressure was too heavy with school, so we backed up alot. How do I pace myself to maintain interest (for both of us). I know there is something there. He primarily calls me when he can talk (about 3 times a week). Don’t want to make him feel like I want to compete at this time, but show him I care. Anna.”

    And here’s my answer:

    Anna – Medical students and residents – all graduate students – do so much better married or with steady girlfriends. They feel supported, they can have regular sex, and they don’t have to do anything. Because they’re doctors, they are considered, as you instinctively consider him – to be excused from normal human issues.

    And then, when they get out of school – they’re doctors – and it’s different than it used to be. They are no longer gods who can command huge salaries and put out a shingle anywhere. There are more and more doctors and less and less jobs, and the money isn’t that good, and the pressure is humongous…

    Used to be (and know this from the women I went to college with) – that a man would lean on his girlfriend through college and medical school (or law school, or business school…) and then graduate and get his certifications and licenses and start making huge money and attract women from everywhere and then DUMP his same girlfriend who stood by him her whole college life.

    Now – it’s not the same. Moving out into the work world is harder these days, and the stress of school hangs on. But, still, just as in the old days, a man who makes a successful transition from school to work OFTEN starts out in a new direction personally, too.

    Now he wants to see the world. Now he wants every woman who comes onto him. Now he thinks he’s hot stuff.

    Your man might not be like this. A man you meet and date in college might not be like this. He may be a true-blue kind of man (Though with this Tiger Woods phenomenon, you wonder if it’s even possible to spot a true-blue man – I mean, who looked more true-blue from “here” than Tiger?)

    And yet – the possibility exists that when circumstances CHANGE – everything changes. This is why it’s absolutely CRUCIAL to Circular Date. You should NEVER tie yourself down to one man EXCEPT for your own experience.

    If you’re dating a really cool guy, and you’re learning a lot from the relationship, and you want to experiment with what a steady “boyfriend” feels like so you can be better prepared for marriage – then try it. But don’t expect it to last – in fact, I’d be very careful about that.

    I would never, ever abandon Circular Dating – no matter how married you are!!! Without making contact, even momentarily, with men everywhere, you put yourself in a box. Your vibration gets smaller and smaller and you forget there’s a big world out there.

    You shop at the same market, walk the same streets, exercise at the same place…and everything seems doomed when a relationship doesn’t go as far as you’d like.

    Hoping that a relationship will work out forever is NOT a good reason to shut down your options.

    So – to answer your question – there IS no way to “pace” this. You DATE him. That’s ALL. You date him, and you date other men, and…may the best man win!!!

    Now – for the other part of your letter – Anna. Him calling you a few times a week is not ANY kind of “relationship.” It’s strictly a friendship. It may be a worthwhile friendship – and it may develop into something else later, you never know, but for now – it’s not more than friendship.

    That means you are not really even “dating” him right now. So – please – Circular Date, let him stay in touch with you, and have as much fun as you possibly can without thinking of him for a moment.

    If you’re hung up on him…that’s even more of a clue that you need to focus more on YOU, and on what YOU love, what you like, and that you need to Circular Date with tons of men so you can practice the Tools, lift your spirits, your self-esteem and your “vibe,” and have the relationship you want.

    Love, Rori

    _____________________________________



  139.  #139Eve on October 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Hey. Dont really know if this is the right place to look for an advice but I need some; I’ve been going thru internet to try and seek some sort of advice the past couple of weeks but nothing seems to fit my situation. So here it is:

    Me and my well now ex-boyfriend had been dating for 8 months. We met while he was working in my country and instantly we click. We got very comfortable with each other very fast and we talked about everything. He has two young kids with his ex and he had been broken up with her for 6 months prior the first time we met and he had dated other girls during that 6 months. He was very honest with me that his kids and their needs come always first and also that his ex had been asking him to come back since their split. They broke up because he said she hadnt been very nice to him. I didnt ask for details but what I cathered between the lines was that she didnt let him to be himself and used the kids as leverage. After 3 months into our relationship he was send back to his country for a month or so and we managed to keep our relationship healthy even thou the distance. His work is the kind where juggles between two sites. So he came back for month and was send back again to his country and we carried on the relationship. I went to visit him after a couple of months to his home town and everything was good during my stay in there, but then a week and a half later since I had returned home, he called me to say that he has decided to go back to his ex to make things better for the kids. He told me that it was the hardest decision he has ever made but he would not forgive himself if he didnt try it once more and she had promised that things would be different this time around and they would have a fresh start. They had broken up at least twice before in their 6 year relationship. He said the decision got nothing to do with me and our love and our relationship was great. He wants to stay in touch to see how I am doing. Im not really sure what I am asking, just looking for some kind of outside opinion because all the people in my life seems to have none. I understand and Ive always understood the fact that kids come first and it had never been problem to me because he was very upfront about it from the start but I dont understand this situation.



  140.  #140Rena on October 15, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    Azure Blu #131. It has not been easy! Whenever I see that he’s been online, I have to talk myself through it…to let it go. I decided to take a break from online dating before he reached out to me to try again, but it KILLS me knowing he’s still on. He calls me every morning and we communicate every day. When he does not have his daughter, we spend ALL our free time together and I sleep over. Is this not a relationship? so I’m confused as to why he still feels the need to go online??? MEN! Is it really healthy to keep all this bottled up? Count down begins…his subscription ends on the 19th!!!!



  141.  #141Femininewoman on October 19, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Rena have you asked him what a relationship looks like to him? Have you shared what your exclusivity requirements are?



  142.  #142Olympia on October 19, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Hi Rori,
    This post makes me think of this weekend. My boyfriend and I were out for a drive. We went for a hike, and I wanted to go to a Oktoberfest celebration nearby, but I didn’t insist because I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t like to pay the entrance fee or deal with the large crowds. He said we would go out for a nice meal instead. I was so hungry, however, that I couldn’t think straight after the hike. He wanted to continue on to the closest town, but there were no great food options there so I just picked a place. We had a lousy meal and then we were both in bad moods the rest of the drive home, even though the day started out great. He got upset when I didn’t warn him early enough about an upcoming turn, and then said he didn’t need help navigating, so I leaned back and listened to the radio. We when got back to the house, he said he felt like he was taking care of a baby and wanted me to take more initiative in planning things to do and helping him with the directions.

    My question is, I know I should have gone with my gut and showed him how excited I was about the Oktoberfest event (and that would probably have changed the tenor of the rest of the day), but how do I respond to his desire to want me to go into my boy energy and take charge and plan things?

    Thanks!
    Olympia



  143.  #143Rena on October 20, 2015 at 10:17 am

    140: Femininewoman,
    He sent me a text this morning that he no longer has the online dating account. So we are moving in the right direction. I’m glad I was patient and he made the decision on his own. 🙂



  144.  #144blue rose on October 23, 2015 at 2:38 pm

    Dear Rori and Sirens,

    I want to thank all of you for the advice over the YEARS. I’ve been reading Rori since 2009 – after I read a small paragraph on a dating site that outlined why you should let a man pay on a date written by Rori. I’ve been making “mistakes” and progress all these years – and I have converted several friends into Rori followers. I hope this is not premature – but it worked and I’m engaged and I’m living with my fiance. Also one of my friends who began using Rori’s advice is also very close to getting engaged (he basically got drunk and told her his plan to propose). So thank you all. The advice from the sirens has been so helpful. and Rori I remember you personally commented on my posts at times and really shook me up and made me think about the things I said and did. So helpful. Now I was also in therapy for the past several years – but my goals in therapy were not the same. Therapy was invaluable. Rori’s advice and approach was (and still is) such an important supplement to finding love. Thanks again xoxoxo



  145.  #145Femininewoman on November 9, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Congratulations blue rose



  146.  #146Femininewoman on November 9, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Congratulations Rena



  147.  #147Lovergirl on November 9, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Not much work at all, Femininewoman. It took about 10 seconds to check his tinder location, and under a minute to see what the setting options are. As far as carrying all those phones, iy



  148.  #148Lovergirl on November 9, 2015 at 9:17 am

    It makes sense, due to his job. I know it guys that carry more than one phone. Sorry, my keyboard on my phone froze up amd cut off my comment mid sentence.



  149.  #149Femininewoman on November 9, 2015 at 9:25 am

    Eve I am not sure there is anything there to understand. He made his decision plus he is far away. In my opinion keeping in touch is likely to stall your own life. How would you feel if he is sharing things with you about their relationship?



  150.  #150Azure Blu on November 9, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Blue Rose…
    congratulaions!!!
    Wow! So great to hear of success stories…
    What were some of the tools you found most helpful?



  151.  #151Azure Blu on November 9, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Rena!!!
    Yay!!! so glad to hear that leaning back
    and staying out of his business worked!!!
    Congrats, darling Siren!
    Thanks for sharing….



  152.  #152Vanessa on November 15, 2015 at 5:13 am

    Hi Dear Sirens,
    I am 31, and in the longest relationship i ce ever had with a man who has all the qualities i didnt dare to dream of. It s been over a year. He s 49 and a single parent of a daughter (12). We started off as me renting an appartment next door and him being the tenant. We started as a no tie relationship which quickly became a true relationship, hum not having enough of me. I moved to his place too quickly,afger a couple of months. All was Great, we had a Family type of life, saine, happy. No fights of any kind. At the start he stated he didnt want a relationship, and then he said things could make hum change his mind. Then one Day, he didnt want it anymore. He didnt feel in love, like “passionate”. But more like a friend (sex wasnt a problem of course). Looking back, i admit That at some point i was more in my masculine energy than féminine one. Which i guess blew our relationship. We ve always been kind to each other, still now. I ve bought Rori s book “have the relationship You want”, i understand it. Now he s distant, i feel like i m part of the furniture in the house, knowing i have to move to another flat he has next door to his. I have no other choice than to agree as i cant afford living anywhere else. We re arranging it (painting etc) to make it a Nice living space. 2 weeks we hadnt have sex, which is unusual. I dont want to become his neighboor not his friend. I want That Great relationship it used to be, back. I fond it hard to get That happy féminine energy back. Let alone, i believe whatever i choose, including no contact, he ll agree. I feel stuck. Anyone for an advice? Thank you



  153.  #153Susan on November 17, 2015 at 10:22 pm

    Hi hello hi

    Please help.
    Background info:
    age: late 20s
    Time together : 3 years 1 month
    Recent graduate and I am retuning to school.

    Hello
    So all of this started becuase my mother. Who is very opionitated and very involved in my life. I missed a wedding of a first line cousin. Me and my bf spend this weekend together he took me out to dinner and we stayed home due to me being a bit sick. My mothers family gave my mother comments:” how could your daughter miss your niece wedding, how disrespectful.”.
    Mother has a talk with me after. She mentioned that is very embrassing for her that me and my bf don’t participate in social events. Yes it’s true, bf does not like social parties. He WILL NOT attend to his families closed cousin weddings or parties. To return back. My mom said that a man who is not invested in Being part of their girlfriends family lives just simply doesn’t care to be part of the family. To which my feelings got hurt. My mom believes that men who want to be with you ultimately want to please the parents and family. Yet my bf does not please his family in that way either. My bf is a nice person but he is socially awkward. I love him and he loves me. Yet my mom gives me a hard time with this is she somewhat right ?

    I wished we could move out which is our near goal. He’s not yet stable and he is only at his job for one year so buying a house is not in our reach at this time.

    I talk to him but he mentions that my family is just trying to make themselves happy. And that he notices that appearences matter a lot to my family which its true. I was raised under the thought ” you have to do things right or what will the family think ” .

    Mom feels likes never around. Yet for a while we stop doing things like going on 2 day trips ( staying in a hotel). Why ? My parents and yes even my brothers commented on ” how could u be sleeping in a hotel with a man who is not ur husband , people will think ur having sex with him “. After that time we didn’t want to go anywhere far if we do we come back the same day.
    Help we need ur advice.



  154.  #154Susan on November 17, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    My question is : why I push him or lose him if
    A. I try to persuade him to attend social events for at least 1 hour to comply
    B. Will my family never be happy with even that change
    C. Will he resent me for making him do this .( he usually goes but feels very uncomfortable )



  155.  #155Susan on November 22, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Did someone. Erase my post ? I can’t see it 🙁



  156.  #156Susan on November 23, 2015 at 12:07 am

    Has anyone replied ? 🙁



  157.  #157Lori on December 2, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    This is the second time I have purchased the Rori “have the relationship you want” book in 10 years. I was married for 20 years and devastated. When my divorce was final, I met a man who had also been married 20 years. His wife died from cancer. We have dated off and on the past 10 years. I always call time out because he won’t move forward with me. I finally realized, he has kept our relationship “casual” all this time. I feel I must cut him off and move forward, then he reels me in. Then, when I feel close, he backs off. I don’t trust my own heart anymore.



  158.  #158faith on December 3, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    I stated having problem with my husband when I found I was pregnant with my third child in April. I was torn, because I found out in the Fall of last year, my husband is having an affair, and the other woman is pregnant, due this summer. I was devastated, shocked and saddened. He promised he would stop seeing her and devote his life to me and our kids. Well it didn’t happen, and I didn’t think it was fair to bring another child into such an unstable environment. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I think I made the right decision for me and my kids because i met a man who do spell with he assured me of having my husband back in full and he would stop seeing the other woman, I could not bear the pain i allowed him to work for me and in 2 days after he has done the spell, the other lady was then history it was shocking any way, she had miscarriage and hence forth never had anything to do with my husband, This is something I will carry in my heart forever and be thankful to Dr lolo for bringing happiness back to my family!!! if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can text me today on my telephone number +13612264385 and i will inform you how you can get in touch with him for help.