You Can’t Impose “Order”

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rori greenYou can’t impose order from outside.

It has to come from inside you.

And how do you do this?

First, when you feel the need to impose order because you feel chaotic, or things look chaotic, or you “think” everything on your plate is “too much” and it all feels overwhelming to you… Stop.

Write it all down.

Just brain dump it onto a page with a pencil – or much better – into your “Notes” on your phone or into your Business Siren “Evolutionary-To-Do-List” somewhere in your cloud system.

(I use an iphone app called “Quip…” You may want to use Google docs, as long as you can access it from your phone or any device you own.

The Evolutionary-To-Do-List is spelled out in my new Business Siren’s Handbook.

The Handbook is the first stage of truly laying out the “Business Siren Protocols.” Basically – How to live your life like a girl 100% of the time and still get stuff done.

These Protocols will work for you at work, whether you’re an entrepreneur, or have a job you love (or can barely tolerate)…

They’ll help you with all your family schedules…

They’ll help you with your day-to-day chores and tasks…

They’ll help you prioritize your life. All the things that get in our way because they all seem to require a masculine energy.

These things DO require masculine energy… But not in the way we normally think!

To me, Chaos is beautiful. It inspires us to be creative.

And yet, it also inspires us to clamp down. To create order. To create structure. To compartmentalize.

The key is to build an ability that’s already in your girl self. An ability to hold and feel all of the emotions – and energy of those emotions – that are going through you!

It’s about allowing it all to be there. And not trying to organize it from the outside.

Therefore, organizing your house, your kitchen, your office, your workspace must operate with the same Business Siren Protocols.

Otherwise, we become automatons. We become mechanical.

And we end up practicing this so much of our time… It feels wrenching to go back to being a girl.

To pick up The Business Siren’s Handbookgo here–>>

http://businesssiren.com/business-sirens-handbook/

Because I think this is the crucial moment for us women to go bigger without turning ourselves into stressed-out copies of men, I will be posting a lot about these Protocols, and inviting you to talk personally with me about joining coaches, entrepreneurs, women in all businesses and with all kinds of jobs and careers all over the world – in the Business Siren Mastermind.

This is our time. I believe, deep as I can hear inside myself, that to save the world, to create peace on this planet and a future for all of us, it will take us women, all of us, dedicating ourselves to our feminine energies and to connecting to each other through love.

Love, Rori

 

207 Comments

  1.  #1Mandy on December 13, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    Yeah I need to get my boy energy in order to run the girl energy. I run the boy energy and sometimes I just drive myself right into the ground, or overthink, or freak out.

    When my boy is happy…girl is happy because boy feels strong and mighty and girl feels taken care of and not whimpering for help which she really hates to have to do.

    I ran myself into the ground last night after cleaning the whole apartment and going out. Was supposed to have a date with Valentine but again he slept through.
    I was upset and couldn’t talk to him about it because he said he would talk when he has slept because he wants to be awake for it, but then it’s like here I am, and he hasn’t messaged me, not that I am trying to wait for him to do so, but it’s like not thinking about pink elephants.

    I was sick today so I don’t know if I should run, but it would be nice to go into the fitness room right now I’m burning way too much mental energy.

    If anyone can give me any insight it would be so good. Anything sound familiar? One or two Sirens sounded off about the back and forth guy. Good stuff happening and that scaring a guy away.

    I’m stuck on a rubberband man, he says all the coolest things ever but doesn’t deliver much. There I went with…coming from a place of potential. That part of me is still young and immature. And very very flighty. It’s like pretty eyes, pretty face, pretty words, some connection, and boom….romantic ya, but just not stable at all. Thing is he feels like shit he can’t do these things. He told me this. I tried to tell him I felt sad and wanted to talk to him but he said we would talk today after he slept and I haven’t heard from him yet. He is very very attention deficit and wants to devote his full attention to something when he wants to do something and he never thinks the time is right.

    Why does this sound like me sometimes?

    I get overwhelmed and I feel like people demand my time of me.

    I swear, that’s my battle with LIFE.

    We both need to do something like this brain dump onto paper a lot. That’s why i’m in here, this is the most safe place to write. no one will peek at it but Sirens.

    Valentine is not taking care of himself, I’m faltering on taking care of myself, and we both want to see each other. Can you imagine how oddly frustrating it is?

    I guess when he feels like a puny guy, he retreats. I just want to pull him back out and kiss him. Of course that’s so masculine it’s not even funny, lol.

    If I were a man, I’d be the best guy ever I swear, she’d get the royal treatment…foot rubs, back rubs, chairs pulled out, coat taken, tons of hugs and kisses, funny pictures, cooking, cleaning, laughs, smiles, all of it, I’m serious. People tell me I take such good care of myself but…mm…I disagree…I falter on that a lot because it’s hard when you have a bunch of “disabilities”.

    Sometimes I feel like the most masculine person within a 30 foot radius. I just do not understand why I am so…hard to please, it seems. Or why men won’t do this stuff. All of this sounds like so much fun to do, just dote upon an adorable person, why wouldn’t you want to? I even feel better doing that as a woman. Why? Why do I feel better in control? Is it because I can count on it happening? Does this mean I would want someone feminine in a way? I am so confused.

    This duality is so confusing. My brain hurts. I feel so confused. And anxious.

    I’m going to hunt the man down, and corner his ass…Haha, I’m just kidding…gotta work the sense of humor to keep things light lol…ahhh no that’s what I do want to do sometimes. 😛

    I’m going to…watch a movie or something!



  2.  #2Lovergirl on December 13, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    I feel more curious about the idea of being a “business siren”. It looks like I am going to get a promotion and be an assistant manager at my workplace in 2016! My boss said he got the okay from corporate. It just seems unreal, its happening so fast. I’m excited, but tentative.

    I find it does take some masculine energy to be good on the job. I tend to take control of everything and everyone looks to me for information and help instead of the manager and that is good and why I am moving up but maybe super masculine? I’m not sure….

    Still, I’m happy. I feel well liked by everyone at work and instead of being jealous they all seem to be relieved that I am going to be helping the boss, lol. They say he needs someone to help him stay on top of things.

    So just keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out! It all just seemed to fall in my lap!



  3.  #3Lovergirl on December 13, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    On a completely different note, S contacted me today. It’s been six weeks since his last text, where he asked how I was doing and I broke down and cried for a few hours. This time he emailed. He must have deleted my phone number to try and not contact me, because he emailed and asked me to call him, and gave me his number in case I didn’t have it. He said it wasn’t anything bad but he would like me to call him.

    So I called a couple of hours later, after I’d finished some shopping and other things I needed to do. Turns out he wanted to ask me about where I got some bubble wrap I gave him last year? Lol It was stuff that had come in packaging, I think from toys for my kids at Christmas.

    It felt like he was looking for an excuse to talk to me. He told me that he is selling some new things for his side business and needed more bubble wrap to package them. He buys it in big rolls anyway so yeah, it totally had to be an excuse.

    I felt kind of amused. His voice shook a little bit when he was talking to me and he asked how I am doing. He told me he did very well during the busy season at work (he sells insurance) and he was excited about that but that he has been having car issues and his Lexus has been in the shop for like a month, causing him lots of stress and dealings with the company.

    He asked about my kids and how they are doing, which was interesting. He kind of beat around the bush asked how I am doing financially. One of his big concerns about being with me was always that he didn’t think he could “afford” to take care of so many kids. Its not like he doesn’t make good money but he worried about that.

    Then he asked my advice on where to get boxes that he can ship items in. I’m pretty sure everyone knows how to get ahold of boxes lol, but I gave him some ideas (grocery store, walmart, etc) and he thanked me. He ended the conversation after that, we talked for like 15 min.

    I’m not sure what to think. As far as how I feel….hmmm… I still love this man, just as much as I ever did. In the six months since we have seen each other, I feel the same. Yet I know now, that I can survive without him. So that feels good. I guess I feel okay with whatever happens.

    It felt good to hear his voice. I didn’t cry this time.



  4.  #4Victoria on December 13, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    Mandy,
    I had a man slept through the time for our date.
    Let me tell you the story.
    It was a Saturday, we spoke about our plans for the day, and I told him I really wanted to go to the gym in the afternoon, and we agreed that I will call him after that in order to fix the date.
    So, at 5 pm I call him, thinking of seeing him around 7 (he lived an hour away) and he does not pick up. I waited, then called again, and I kept calling for 3 hours. At a certain point I was thinking of going out with another guy who would have been delighted to (Saturday evening, time for party). Anyhow, at around 9.30 he called. Turns up, he left the phone in the other room, and slept through. I was so mad. So so mad. I could not control myself, I shouted at him. He acted very hurt and upset, and admitted that part of his falling asleep was because he got kind of pissed off that I chose to go to the gym in the afternoon rather than spend time with him. Well, he did not ask me to spend time with him in the afternoon at all! I was mad, and confused, I wanted to strangle him, he not only stood me up, but also killed my Sarurday evening.
    I am still wondering what was the lesson for me in this experience. A part of me thinks he was totally egocentric and really slept through it, another part thinks he did not pick up the phone on purpose, but possibly went out to do something else, possibly even to see another girl.
    I find it really hard to empathize with someone sleeping through a date, probably because I could never do that.
    At the same time, I have a male friend, who is a police officer, and he totally slept through a planned date with his girlfriend, and I know he is a really good and honest guy but is just quite phlegmatic. Of course, his girlfriend did not speak to him for a week after that.
    So I really don’t know what to make of it. This type of experiences really put our sireny skills to the test, because it is really hard to say that you are upset and unhappy but also not blame him because it is clear to both parties that he is to blame. My head starts to hurt, as I write this to you, some unprocessed emotions coming up to me.



  5.  #5Indigo on December 13, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    Lovergirl,

    “Yet I know now, that I can survive without him. So that feels good. I guess I feel okay with whatever happens.

    It felt good to hear his voice. I didn’t cry this time.”

    That’s how I feel about D. It’s been so many months since we spent time together like we used to, and also since I felt the pain that I used to feel on a regular basis. So many other things have come into my life to fill in the gaps, I feel so much more detached from him. I feel for him, I feel compassion for him, I care for him, and I will always love him in my own way, but I just know now that there are far better men out there, and I can’t allow myself to be entwined with someone who is so deeply selfish and does not have my best interests at heart.



  6.  #6Mandy on December 14, 2015 at 12:03 am

    Valentine said to me…

    “I feel as if I haven’t really given you the attention you deserve. I feel like I’ve been failing you. I made promises I haven’t kept due to everything going on as of late. It makes me feel like shit i cant give you all my attention. You’ve been very understanding about how busy I get and everything going on. I miss all of you Love. I’m trying to deal with this now so things may go back to normal soon. I miss our talks. You need a man that can keep up taking care of you. I’m kinda of a broken mess as of late. Promise it’ll go back to normal soon.”

    What do you think?



  7.  #7Victoria on December 14, 2015 at 12:09 am

    Lovergirl,
    I feel for you too. Goodness, everything that someone writes about here, has happened to me.
    Why is it that the same stuff just goes around and round?
    I have a man from the past, with whom I had to stop sleeping, because he was not bringing things to another level with me and he let me know he was looking for his One, meaning that it was not me. So, I had to let him go/let go of him, even if it hurt, and yes, I survived.
    He calls occasionally, usually he comes up with obvious excuses to call. He asks about my whereabouts, everyday stuff. Tells me about himself. J’s, I must be the best conversationalist in the country, because he calls me just to chat up. We never talk about the important things. He once said to me, in a moment of honesty, that our conversations are mainly half-truths… He blames me for some things … I am a very revengeful person, and I have given him own medicine a few times…
    This is all pre-Rori stuff. Not that I have changed so much, but I may be I have? Sometimes I wonder why he does that, to the point of getting mad with him. I think he mostly checks on me to see whether some sweet opportunity for no-strings attached s*x will just present itself. Hope springs eternal. I do not sleep with formal whatevers (he never really was a BF) just for all times sake. Sometimes, I am so tempted to tell him point-blank, unless you have become a different person, do not waste my time. But that would be too agressive, would it? So, I still pick up the phone when he calls, he is checking to see if the door will open, and yes, it does open, but he never really steps in through that door, so I smile sweetly, and very quietly close it back. And sigh.



  8.  #8Indigo on December 14, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Victoria,

    I too have several triggered emotions around this point. This has happened to me – a guy I was briefly dating in university slept through our date, and that was the end of it. More recently, Bush Boy was having similar things come up with dates HE had set up and said he was so eager for. It didn’t trigger me as much this time around because by now I see it for what it is. The eager setting up of the time together (although something always feels just a teeny bit off to you), then the cancelling of the plans, then protestations of being devastated at having to cancel – all of it. It is commitment avoidance. There could be any number of reasons for it, and one could amuse (or infuriate) oneself speculating on what they are. These days though this kind of thing makes me disappointed, hurt, angry, and I’m sorry to say but I usually call the guy on it. I don’t enjoy having my time and feelings messed around and I won’t let anyone treat me that way for long. So a little sweet, gentle feeling message which is TRUTHFUL about what is going on and doesn’t try to either make him a baddy or let him off the hook, usually does the trick.

    Mandy, if you choose to wait for this guy or believe that he is well-meaning that is 100% up to you. But this is clear avoidant behaviour to me.



  9.  #9Victoria on December 14, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Mandy,
    When I read what he said to you (as if he said it to me), I feel pain, I feel desperation, I feel hopeless, I have no power to change the situation, I want to change the situation, I want to do something to make the love between us possible, but yet I can’t, and it really really frustrates me. I both love and hate this man, he is nice and so sweet, and he really has difficulties, life has not been fair to him, and at the same time, he is stringing me along with his sweet words and no action.
    And I need to focus away from him, claim my love back and away from him, focus on myself, and let him handle his own stuff like a man, with zero interference (and zero presense from me). This is what I think.



  10.  #10Indigo on December 14, 2015 at 12:24 am

    Victoria 7,

    Yes, I have an ex from my past who does that too. We only dated for a few weeks and I was never in love with him – he lacked depth, substance, maturity. He looks me up from time to time looking for casual sex and yes I also find myself thinking, if you haven’t actually changed as a person, please don’t waste my time. Usually though I will just have a bit of fun with him, make him think that maybe I will sleep with him when I have no intention of doing so (this latest time he contacted me he had a girlfriend so he deserved it) and then come clean with him in the end. There is just nothing there whatsoever for me. I have no idea why he keeps showing up in my life.



  11.  #11Azure Blu on December 14, 2015 at 2:36 am

    Lovergirl
    Congratulations on being asked to be a manager so quickly with this company!!!

    You sound like you have amazing organizational skills that I envy and struggle with daily…
    These skills elude me and keep me from becoming more successful in all aspects of my life!!.
    I will read Rori’s Business book and see if it will help!



  12.  #12Femininewoman on December 14, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Victoria to me it is not aggressive at all. I think it is okay to ask an ex what has changed when they come back, especially when you are holding no expectations. Likely the energy behind your words and the intensity with which you say them are very diminished.



  13.  #13Tee on December 14, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Awww Azure Blue lol don’t say that about yourself! You’re successful here , you rock when it comes to the Rori Raye stuff 🙂



  14.  #14Azure Blu on December 14, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    (((Tee)))
    Thank you sweet Siren!
    I am successful and everyday I am I become more and more organized!!
    I think I want to work on visualizing what me being organized looks like to me…
    I will do this for 2 days and see what the outcome is…
    I’ll report back!
    :-))



  15.  #15Ayesha on December 14, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    I’ve spent most of today processing feelings about a recent hookup, in which i breached my boundaries, went too far, and now hate him for it. The guy – MD – is a man I’m casually dating. I’m not sure what it is to him. But he’s leaving for the break this weekend so I think there will be some clarity before then, one way or another I think he will let me know where we stand.
    i recently hooked up with another guy – let’s call him MH – and that was just a very brief make out session on the first date hehe. And that was all I was looking for. And when I was done I told him to leave. And i haven’t heard from him since. And i am NOT surprised and feel NO regret about it… i feel TOTALLY FINE about it all and it feels so surprising to me… like how come there’s no stress?
    And i realized… all my confusion anger at MD is because I want it to be something very specific, I want him to be someone very specific, someone who can fulfil all my needs… when the truth is simply that he is who he is, i am who i am, and the experience is what it is. Like Rori advises, I’m trying to fall in love with that – with all of it – with my disappointment too, which is the hardest part.
    I am incredibly resistant to acknowledging and feeling my disappointment in love or in anything else because i take it to mean that i’ll never have my dreams, my dreams will never come true – i will never have a passionate relationship, a passionate and enlivening career… and i’ve kind of detached myself from life because i believe those false beliefs.. and then it becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy.
    i want to bring myself to life, bring myself to the moment, bring all of me, to all of the moment. be here now. Be. Here. Now. Such powerful words…
    I want to tell myself the truth. I lie to myself to take myself away to a fantasy. But the truth is the only thing that’s real. Living from truth means I always honor myself.
    What is my truth? In this moment?
    1. The truth is that I am fine, in the sense that I am physically secure, well fed, with a job.
    2. The truth is that I have all the resources on hand to make a life for myself that I want
    Ok, harder truths now:
    3. The truth is that this thing with MD might just be an extended hookup situation
    4. The truth is that I was trading sex (in the hopes) for love
    5. The truth is that I AM love and I FEEL LOVE for myself, just as an energy, inside. I’ve got my inner love fountain up and running (it was broken and dried up for a loooooooooooong time) but the draught is over.
    6. The truth is that i turned OFF my inner love fountain when I met MD because I thought that that’s what I was supposed to do.
    7. The truth is that IT’S REALLY OK FOR ME TO KEEP THE INNER LOVE FOUNTAIN GOING ON AT ALL TIMES, ALWAYS, IN EVERY MOMENT, IN EVERY SITUATION, DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS. That love fountain, which *I* made, all by myself, with help from no one, is my treasure, and something I will always have.
    8. The truth is that I have a boundless capacity to feel love – for myself, for others, for plants and animals, for neighbors, enemies, frenemies and estranged nasty relatives… for my mother who crossed over to the other side (Hi Mom!), for my father who was narcissistic and sometimes abusive , for my brother who is way more troubled than me, and for my ME! For my me who struggles valiantly. For my me who rebuilt her own broken heart from scratch. For my me who rose from the dead like a phoenix. For my me who has a new heart now, a precious tiny little baby heart that beats with the trepidatious breath of a newborn, full of promise for the beautiful that lies ahead.
    9. The hardest truth is that I am really ok, and I am really loved, by myself, by the universe, by god, by everyone around me in small and big ways… I am a child of god/ the universe and I am safe and loved always. And that’s ok. The truth is that that scares the shit out of me. That I am ok. The truth is i worry that it’s “wrong” for me to be ok because I’ve been not-ok for so long.
    10. The truth is that I am whole and I am loved, that I am HERE, NOW… the truth is simply, ‘I am’.



  16.  #16Ayesha on December 14, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Indigo 10,
    Haha I love that! That sounds fun. Sounds like it would feel fun and playful and girly (and a bit naughty) if I were to do that! Sounds soo fun! Haha 😀
    Sounds really powerful too. Go you!



  17.  #17Ayesha on December 14, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    Victoria 7,
    I feel for you, Siren! I too have been in a similar sitch, where the man I was punch drunk madly in love with – would have tattooed his name on my forehead – led me on for years without having any intention of giving me anything.
    I don’t think it’s aggressive to tell your guy to leave you alone. It’s just your boy protecting your girl. Rori says that the boy you’re being to your girl is the boy you’re gonna meet out there – it’s like the Law of Attraction.
    Like when I find my man, I would want him to protect me from the idiots out there, make me feel heard, pay attention to my feelings, take care of my physical and emotional needs, be my friend, be my hero, be my champion… aww that is going to be so nice! <3 <3 And I know I can have it, I know it's only a matter of time, and it's gonna happen SOON! But to do that and to find him I absolutely *have* to be that man to myself first- waaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done, right?! 🙂 But it's like a scavenger hunt, and we have to go through all these inner adventures and transformations before we find our guy!! 😀



  18.  #18Starla on December 14, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    “How to live your life like a girl 100% of the time and still get stuff done.”

    Yes! I need this. I feel so exhausted trying to live like a man. It feels brutal sometimes. I have so much to offer the world but this masculine approach doesn’t seem to do it justice.



  19.  #19Indigo on December 14, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    Ayesha,

    Yes, it is a fun girly thing to do. And that is who I am at heart. So it is my way of taking a ridiculous situation and laughing at it and getting to feel good about it. I think at a certain point I internalised the truth that no one gets to make me feel bad unless I say so.

    I really love the way you write. Your post in #15 was so beautifully written, I love it. About telling yourself the truth, about having everything you need to create the life you want, about falling in love with your disappointment, about feeling boundless love for a variety of people.

    And I love what you’ve said about your inner boy being a reflection of the man you’re going to attract. This: “Rori says that the boy you’re being to your girl is the boy you’re gonna meet out there – it’s like the Law of Attraction.”

    Just recently I told a man that I didn’t like the texts any more, that I can only get to know someone in person. This was scary for me to do, because he wasn’t doing anything specifically wrong, but it WAS my highest truth in the moment. It was me being truthful to myself. If I have to be totally honest with myself, if I have to tell myself the truth, I can’t be ok with lots of texts. I know that my perfect man will not want to text me a lot without making plans to see me. I know this right down to my bones. And I can’t pretend I’m ok with things I’m not ok with. I feel excited at the thought of having what I want in a man, and not having to make do with a man who just texts a lot! Yay! I am being true to me!!



  20.  #20Lovergirl on December 14, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    Well, my gut was right. I did a little more “snooping” and found a picture of the millionaire guy, on Facebook, taken in May, where he is with his WIFE, their child and her family. He’s even wearing a wedding ring in the photo…. I have no guilt about snooping either, my gut feeling was 100% correct and now I have proof!



  21.  #21Victoria on December 15, 2015 at 1:42 am

    Ayesha 15,
    Oh darling, haven’t we all been there.
    Let me tell you how I look at it these days:the situation is what you call it. I love your truths, but some of them are a bit harsh on you, and I am wondering why you need to be that way.
    For example the truth about the extended hook-up situation. Is it not possible that MD has simply not yet decided that you are his one. Tomorrow, or a week thereafter, when you get to know each other better he will make up his mind, and then you will too, but only when the time comes. There is zero urgency around this situation.
    Also, truth 4, what is this thing about trading s*x for love? You had some great s*x (I hope you did, because if you did not, then this is a whole different story!) while you were getting to know each other, but as of today he seems not to have his feelings deepening for you. Maybe it is because you had s*x too soon, may be it isn’t, maybe simply he is not your one. You know with some men things are not meant to be, they are not a good match, and this will reveral itself one way or another, irrespective of s*x. To think that things would have turned up differently if you had held off s*x longer, (or not had it at all) is purely arbitrary.
    What I know for sure is that the best medicine ever, against the blues is CDing. At least 3 men in the rotation!
    This goes back to the story I was telling you about, and about which you were so kind to comment (thank you for the attention, I loved it!). He keeps coming back, and I am not asking him if he has changed (I clearly see that he has not, why ask about the obvious), and he is just another, low-probability-of-success CD, and he is in the rotation, and who knows where life will take us. And then, the other thing is, right now I am dating someone who totally adores me, and I have zero urgency about anything, such a liberating feeling!



  22.  #22Indigo on December 15, 2015 at 4:47 am

    Victoria 21,

    I love this. In my honest moments , I admit that I fluctuate between having no urgency about things, and having urgency. But I am learning to spend more time in the having no urgency place. I love the way you’ve put it, and that is also how I put it when I am feeling more emotionally generous. But I know that it is also the truth.



  23.  #23Victoria on December 15, 2015 at 5:31 am

    Indigo,
    Probably the best thing I learnt from this blog is not to beat myself up. That is not to say that I do not recognize when things do not work the way I want them to, but I think I now take a more balanced look at the situation and take the urgency out of the equation. I have become more observant, and I recognize that the only person I can change is me, but even to change me, I need to do it with love, with kindness, not with harshness.
    How have you been?



  24.  #24Indigo on December 15, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Sooooo true, Victoria. I am learning to take really great care of myself in all things, stand up for myself, be my own advocate. Even take care of myself in the way I approach myself when I make mistakes, or take longer than I think I should. It’s all good.



  25.  #25Azure Blu on December 15, 2015 at 7:55 am

    (((Lovergirl)))
    I feel happy to hear that YOU were taking very good care of YOU by trying to find the truth about MM!!

    I too thought there was something going on with him that he was NOT telling you!!!

    In the past when I would find something out abt a man I was dating I would always say to him…
    “Why not be truthfull from the beginning… I can either decide this works for me or it doesn’t. There are plenty of women who wouldn’t care about —-”

    You didn’t get too invested… and now you can move on…
    How are you feeling about finding this out?

    You are a VERY remarkable Goddess!
    You deserve a VERY remarkable man!

    In the mean time… You are taking a much needed break from relationships (marriage)
    and Cding….Rori’s “Free Therapy” tool!
    oxoxoxo



  26.  #26Azure Blu on December 15, 2015 at 7:59 am

    Victoria #21
    Ahhhh… i feel so happy to hear you are being adored by one of your Cds and feeling relaxed and happy enjoying it ALL!!!

    of course the last Cd would be coming back…YOU are an AMAZING, funny, kind, thoughtful beautiful Siren!!!
    He wont find that anywhere else!!!



  27.  #27Victoria on December 15, 2015 at 8:11 am

    I love you Azure,
    thank you so much for your sweet words!
    How are things with Spirit?
    The Holiday season brings up all kind of stress



  28.  #28Indigo on December 15, 2015 at 8:13 am

    Lovergirl,

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. And at the same time, congratulations on the promotion at work.

    I really encourage men to be honest from the beginning, and I do my best to create a safe space for them to do so. I truly believe that the majority of men do not deep down want to be bad guys.

    I recently had a man flirt with me, and then for whatever reason he came clean that he was married. I was able to politely decline his advances. Another instance that happened recently was that an ex looked me up and wanted to get together with me and told me he had a girlfriend but that the sex was bad. I too was able to tell him no thanks and that he should do the right thing and break up with her rather than cheat on her. Yet another guy whom I really liked told me he had started seeing someone else rather than just disappear on me.

    Now that I think of it, all these instances show me that honesty is a gift, and it gives you the opportunity to spare yourself further heartbreak early on. I’m glad for this lesson and that it has come into my life.



  29.  #29Azure Blu on December 15, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Victoria #27
    I love you Too, darling!

    Thanks for asking!!

    dating RM ( 3months) and
    I am still dating Spirit for 5 months without a breakup!
    Spirit was coming to my house on a regular basis and I loved it… I was so happy to see that I *DO* want a man in my EVERYDAY life… cooking and hanging out at home and doing things together!!!
    I was concerned that I really couldn’t handle that
    even though I said I want it!!! :-))

    On the other hand I had to slow it all way down because I was feeling unbalanced again!
    Still haven’t been to his house and NOT met any of his family!!
    He understands… says he wants to have me over “soon”… Says he misses being at my house, seeing each other everyday…
    Just like Lovergirl… my instincts say there are skeletons in this closet!!

    At this point RM feels like the better choice!



  30.  #30Starla on December 15, 2015 at 9:00 am

    I bought Rori’s new book! I can’t wait to read it :).

    Sometimes I want to give you ladies an update, but it feels weird to put it out to the world, like I will jinx all the wonderfulness I am experiencing in my relationship.

    I do think it’s a good sign I don’t feel compelled to share how well it’s going at this time. I think in the past, I would share it out of insecurity or self-assurance that things were going well with a man, sort of in contrast to it going poorly. I feel secure in how well things are going and don’t need to convince myself through externalizing it to others in a relationship forum.



  31.  #31Liquid Light on December 15, 2015 at 9:06 am

    Lovergirl,

    Wow, that really stinks. I have to admit, I feel really angry at this guy, what a louse. My heart breaks for his wife and family. OK, so we don’t know the whole picture but sheesh what a scoundrel. And my heart goes out to you too, Lovergirl, it really sucks to be deceived.

    Please take some time for yourself to heal from this. I know you didn’t have a lot invested but its still a rotten painful thing to go through. Then if you haven’t already decided how you are going to proceed with him, you can do it after a bit of reflection on the situation. Do you think you will tell him you found out about him? If it were me, I probably would…I always think that when this type of thing happens, it best to say something so that next time, he might think twice. Although someone like that probably doesn’t have much of a conscience anyway. Ughh. But you need to let your heart guide you about what to do. It was right about not trusting him so you’ve got a good compass in your heart.

    Big hug to you, girl!

    (((((((((((((((((((((Lovergirl))))))))))))))))))))



  32.  #32Tee on December 15, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Just had a thought Darling Sirens. I wonder how many opportunities have I missed because I wasn’t open to seeing them or just dismissing them without feeling them?

    I feel somewhat ashamed for being ignorant or inexperienced and everything else. I’m still learning so I won’t be too hard on myself

    My fiancé just called from work to ask me the silliest question, he wanted to double check our address! I don’t think I would have caught that had I not been in girl mode

    It just clicked that he probably just wanted to hear my voice yet needed a “reason” to call. We’ve only been here for 2 1/2 years lol

    How sweet! Now I have to think of what to say lol



  33.  #33Liquid Light on December 15, 2015 at 10:01 am

    “We attract our reciprocal.”

    Yikes! I’ve heard this before but today its really hitting me.

    What does it mean that I attracted that married guy at work and that I was really tempted at one point? Ughh. Oh well, I did resist the temptation so I guess that’s good.

    I’ve attracted two men. One is a hot latin man who thanked me the other night after he was watching me dance. (Very erotic feeling.) He said “Thank you for that. Every man here tonight enjoyed that.” Wow!

    The other is a really nice tame guy. He’s got a lot going for him, he’s very smart, and he’s a good man. We kissed after our date the other night and he’s definitely not the fiery hot kinda kisser. His kisses were sweet and gentle…..and a bit boring. He wants to see me again but with the holidays and his kids, we won’t be able to see each other until after the New Year. Sigh. In the meantime, there’s the latin lover. I’m not sure about him, it might be just about sex…

    I still want it all and want it all in one package. Why am I attracting two very opposite men? and why am I more drawn to the sexy, exciting one who probably can’t give me what I want?



  34.  #34Femininewoman on December 15, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Wow!!



  35.  #35April Rose on December 15, 2015 at 11:41 am

    Liquid Light,

    Hold out, dear siren.

    I am firmly of the belief that your right man is both gentle, kind and sweet, AND hot, fiery and sexy.



  36.  #36Starla on December 15, 2015 at 11:59 am

    I tried to post earlier but for some reason it didn’t go through.

    I got the book! Excited about new Rori material. Will start reading it tonight.

    I think I have come to a realization about myself. It’s that I can be very “lazy” in some ways, and I think it’s a rebellion against having to use any more masculine energy than I already do just to get through my career day job. So my house stays messy and my self care gets put on the back burner.

    I do believe I can have it all! It helps that I have an incredibly masculine and supportive partner that believes me when I say that I could flourish even more if I removed myself from this very masculine paradigm of getting stuff done and money made. I feel so grateful for his trust in me! It would be easy for him to keep his guard up and worry that I am going to take advantage of the security he has to offer me as the masculine bread winner and get-‘er-done guy. I have no intentions of doing this and instead want to give 1000% to contributing to our lives/my life in ways that come more naturally to me and complement his strengths instead of compete with them.

    I also think he understands that I do what it takes, so I would never refuse to put on my man-hat and support the family in that way if that’s what we needed.



  37.  #37Azure Blu on December 15, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Tee #31
    I see these sweet subtle things with Spirit also…
    I don’t get it in the moment… but I’ll think about it later and go… “Awww… that was his masculine way of showing love, sweetness and being romantic…”
    Many times Spirit will use songs to let me know his feelings (I’ve had other men use this to let me know their deep loving feelings)…
    I feel like you Tee… Wow… I need to make sure that i’m in my soft, receiving feminine mode when he does those things…
    Sigghhhh… Awww… Spirit. my heart feels melted with happiness when you text me that song…



  38.  #38IamHis on December 15, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Feeling so amazed. Felt rage for the first time in quite a while, but it felt different this time. It felt like this small part of me, so small & so deep inside, & that angry little girl seems to have finally felt that last bit of rage out. She is beautiful & strong & incredible, & the woman of wisdom is coming out.

    I truly feel beautiful & open.



  39.  #39Tee on December 15, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    #36 Azure Blue, yes it takes so much self awareness as well. I’m at the place now where I’m noticing so many triggers and trying to catch them before they get away from me

    I just spoke with my fiancé, we were talking about how tight things are this month and we both feel pressured with the holidays coming

    I felt my walls trying to close in, assuming that this or that won’t happen as a result….I started to feel like he’d make choices which won’t include us

    It feels bad
    I feel like I’m at the bottom of the list which is interesting because I again made it about ME instead of the situation & situations always change

    So before I analyze that conversation to death, I’m going to DO something else
    I was enjoying a movie that was really speaking to a softer part of me

    Time to refocus



  40.  #40Liquid Light on December 15, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    The thing I like about WatchMeDance, WMD, hahaha, is that he is really masculine. Its almost like he draws out my femininity. I don’t know what it is about him but he’s just got that masculine presence. I can feel how he responds instantly when I am in my femininity and not “in my head”. Its nice. My ex was like that too, ultra masculine, but my ex was a jerk. I’m hoping WMD isn’t a jerk. LOL.

    We’re going to talk soon – he asked for my phone number – and I want to make sure that I’m not in my masculine/work state of mind when I talk to him. hehehe. Kinda cool that its becoming something that I can be aware of and start to flip on/off. It will be an interesting dance with him, both literally and figuratively. 🙂



  41.  #41Ayesha on December 15, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Victoria 15 –
    Hellllllloooooooooo Siren!
    Wow you dropped some truth bombs on my truth bombs! 😀 Made me feel really cared for and also made me alert and sit up straight. Like, I need to be kinder to myself and not be so harsh on myself about the naughty stuff. Hehe it was great… but yeah I feel some guilt and shame about it… and I’m not fully owning my sexuality because I feel afraid… it’s too powerful sometimes hehe 😀 But that’s great, it’s awesome. A man should be so lucky to get summa dat good stuff.
    Ok. I am about to have a difficult conversation with MD on the phone about a disagreement we had the morning after the hookup. He feels unhappy about my interpretation of a comment he made. We have never spoken on the phone before. We talk over text or in person. it will be great. i am reciting the rori raye mantra over and over again!!
    i am compassionate towards myself.
    i feel my feelings. my feelings are messengers. i love my feelings.
    i am not reactive, but respond peacefully.
    i will be a zen being 😀
    i will observe the situation with compassion for myself and for him.
    it will be what it will be.
    i feel kinda curious, grateful and excited about this opportunity for learning how to love myself and have compassion for another person even IN the middle of a difficult conversation.
    I am willing to be surprised.
    i know what my boundaries are.
    I know what my truth is.
    ok i need to journal more.
    Thank you Victoria and Indigo!

    (I hope it’s ok that i’m writing all this here – writing it here makes me feel heard and visible and loved and safe and like it’s ok for me to be me and have my feelings. i’m such a mousy lionness! hah!)



  42.  #42Ayesha on December 15, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    Indigo –
    More fully, thank you for your kind comments about my writing. When I’m feeling the feels it really pours out. Right now I had a beer and am trying to transform my fear about an impending difficult convo into excitement and am feeling really jumpy. need to caaaaaalm doown. just taaaake it easy 😀



  43.  #43Radlove on December 15, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Hello precious ladies!

    Don’t ever settle for less than being the air he breathes! This is a beautiful love song!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZXHBgjQjNM



  44.  #44Radlove on December 15, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    Hello precious ladies!

    Don’t ever settle for less than being the air he breathes! This is a beautiful love song!

    Drowning by Backstreet Boys!



  45.  #45Mandy on December 15, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    Valentine visited me last night. It was wonderful. I like that he drove for a half an hour to come see me. When anything sexual happened, he made sure I felt comforted and respected, before, during, and after. When we weren’t intimate, he said “I think it’s time for some catching up!” Then we were snuggling as close as possible, he was stroking my skin, and we talked, laughing and smiling. (He talks even more than I DO. LOL.) He told me to my face he feels awful about not having seen me sooner. He also told me a few times how pretty he thinks I am and how much he loves my skin and nice things like that.

    I’m not used to this type of treatment but I take is as gracefully as possible. Anyone else I’ve ever dated has been just about themselves. Just like, energy vampires. But this one is DIFFERENT…this person is loving, caring, paternal, affectionate, romantic, and gentle. He cups my chin when he kisses me, only like I’ve seen elsewhere. When we’re together, he doesn’t even have to come to me, he’s just always right there, holding and caressing me. It’s blowing my mind. Seriously…

    Nothing like anyone I’ve ever been exclusive with (not that I’m exclusive with him…I’m not.)

    So…….can I get a high five? 🙂



  46.  #46Victoria on December 16, 2015 at 1:05 am

    Ayesha,
    I don’t know how old you are, but I have noticed that a lot of the shame around the naughty stuff (I love that expression!) just goes away with age (I’m in my 40s). When I was younger I also thought that s*x means a big deal, in the sense that if I have s*x with someone who was not a boyfriend, I have to somehow fix the situation by getting him to be my boyfriend after we have s*x. Kind of like, if a young man and a yound woman who had s*x out of wedlock in the past, had to get married to “fix” the situation for the approval of the church and/or society.
    Please let us know how did the conversation with MD go, I am very curious.



  47.  #47Victoria on December 16, 2015 at 1:11 am

    Mandy,
    A very BIG HIGH FIVE for you!



  48.  #48Mandy on December 16, 2015 at 3:35 am

    Thanks Victoria, Like I said I’m a little shocked because I’m not used to this type of treatment! 🙂

    He’s so open. He doesn’t hide things like J did. He was always telling me if I ever go into his computer we’re done, and I was like, why would you assume I’d do that…we sat in front of this computer, lol, like two kids, and watched funny videos like I would with any of my friends, except we were glued together snuggling, lol, and we went to the site we met on, a Fetish community site, and he showed me the things he does on there, the pictures he likes, and explained to me who his friends are on there, and he’s very open about daily life. This is obviously not a man who’s uncomfy talking about anything. I LOVE that. J used to hide things because he would flirt with women behind my back. I just didn’t realize it until we broke up. Valentine is not like that at all.

    I’m so used to J just being a mess of anxiety and dishonesty and manipulation, it’s nice to see a man be so open and caring.

    I even explained all this to my dad and he said “He’s mature beyond his years!” It was because I told him how he was always asking if I was okay, and making sure I’m comfy.

    Very shocked, it’s good. If this is masculine energy, I LOVE it…

    He’s a happy person too. That’s nice to be around! SO many people are just crabby or hardened. This is nice, sort of like stepping out into fresh healthy air and sunlight, breathing deep, and noticing this is pure, there’s no Toxicity.

    He’s had a normal experience. That’s why he feels the need to differentiate with his look (me too.) We’re also both very ADHD, and it makes me SO comfy because he talks even more than me.

    It renews my faith in men in general. This guy is such a bright light, like me. Nothing but this warmth and pure energy radiates from him and his hugs are SO warm.

    I had to try to remember to melt against him because I stiffen up naturally. (Thanks for teaching me that Rori, lol, I really needed that the other night.)



  49.  #49Ayesha on December 16, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Victoria 44,
    I just turned 30 a few short months ago and it feels like an awesome age and exciting transition – I feel more womanly and free and whole all at the same time. Yeah for me I definitely need to free myself up a lot more with respect to physical intimacy, as in, own it, in every cell of my body, in the moment and after it.
    Also, something I realized after your previous comment about naming things is that I’m trying to minimize the situation (to minimize heartbreak later on) by calling it ‘hooking up’, when actually I’m dating MD. We met on a dating website, he texts me everyday even though he’s very busy, he plans nice dates for us and takes me out every weekend, and we actually talk about ourselves and our lives and it’s dating, not hooking up. I shouldn’t plan to get my heart broken, hehe. And plus even that word – heartbreak – it’s a vestige of a previous experience that left me completely broken… I loved that guy so much and he broke me so hard… maybe I can think of it like that experience broke me into adulthood, like from a naive caterpillar into a butterfly 🙂 I was a different person then, I was 25 when I met him and I felt like I was 15… the future does not have to look like the past. I’ve changed and grown so much in those years. The way I love is different too – it comes from a place that’s more whole and more loving of my self.
    ANYWAY.
    The conversation actually went really well! He started by asking me about my day, and I told him. And then asked about his day, and we chatted about that for a bit. And then he said “well i wanted to talk about what happened… maybe we can each share our version of the story.. and um.. ” he was really kind about it, and apologetic. his tone was soft and he was a bit hesitant… I had expected him to be angry and bite off my head… but I had been pretty soft and receptive and authentic in our communication over text message about the issue so i think maybe that calmed him down. he apologized for something he had said the morning after that i didn’t like and i had reacted with some anger to it in the moment… then he said that he had said what he did because he was feeling insecure or awkward about something… and then i thanked him for sharing all that and for apologizing, and shared how i had felt in that moment (disrespected, hurt) and also shared what i remembered him saying (which is way harsher than what he remembers saying)… but i did it all pretty softly and compassionately – i was a raging ball of fear inside though… and then he said ‘no i would never say that’ and then i said maybe it’s just something that happened in the moment and we both have different interpretations about it and that i appreciate him bringing it up and clarifying it and i feel fine about it now… because i did, i appreciated his apology. and it had definitely pushed a lot of my insecurity-buttons, and i also knew that the deeper issue was actually about some conflict in our sex life, which we were both reacting to in that moment…
    and he said, ‘well you say you feel fine but you seem kinda subdued. i know you’ve been stressed about some work stuff but…? ‘ he kind of asked me if i was really ok..
    and then i said that i think that that morning we were both responding (me angrily, him annoyedly) to how our night together had been – i think we have different sexual preferences and it’s really scary for me to talk about it with him. and i did something for him which i didnt’ want to do, out of fear, and not trusting my boundaries … and then i ended up resenting him for it. and so i communicated that. and became a bit teary while saying that. and then he asked how i was doing, and i said i feel scared. and he said ‘you’re scared a lot’ and i said yeah (it’s true, i am scared of everything!) and then he said he used to be like that too, and then i asked him what helped him, and he shared a lot of personal stuff about his struggles with that and what had worked for him..
    and by that time it felt really cathartic and it was late and he had to wake up in about 5 hrs to go to work again so we kind of left it there.. i said he should rest and he said i should relax and do the things that help me relax… but he said it in a caring way, not a patronizing way 🙂
    i felt so good at the end of that conversation. haha i did feel relaxed and i went straight to bed!
    talking about the sex stuff seems really scary. owning my boundaries there seems really scary. i fear that he will leave me. i’m reading a few chapters about give and take in the book Calling in The One and she talks about just making a request.. it’s something i need to be able to do. to ask for what i want, and to state what i don’t want.
    whew! ok LONG UPDATE… I guess I’m processing here. Also have therapy in a bit so that will be good 🙂
    Victoria, Thank you so much for asking about the phone call <3 <3 <3 It made me feel like my feelings and experiences are valuable and important and worth sharing.
    Life is an adventure! All I have to do is show up. I feel excited about my transformation. The last year or two, a lot of things fell away from my life but I feel better than I've ever felt before. I feel so ME and so ok with me 🙂 Yay.
    How are you feeling today?



  50.  #50Ayesha on December 16, 2015 at 6:36 am

    p.s. Victoria,
    Can’t edit my previous comment but I think I’m trying to run away from bad feelings there. Like ‘oh life is an adventure yay’ when actually I feel a lot of shame around my disempowered sexuality.
    Ugh.



  51.  #51Victoria on December 16, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Ayesha,
    You may wish to talk to a professional coach or your therapist around this se*ual thing you have in mind.
    The way I understand is, he asked you to do something which was outside your boundaries and you accepted out of fear that he will reject you/leave you if you fail to satisfy him.
    I understand, and can relate, and I guess most women have had a similar experience. If it bothers you a lot, it is definitely worth talking to someone who is fully qualified to discuss such very very sensitive and very personal matters.
    I can certainly give you my reading on this, based on my personal experience, but I am hesitant to do so because this is a very delicate matter, and what has happened to me, must not be a valid predictor of what will happen to you. And, when I was your age, I did know about Rori, did not have the tools, so you might in fact be already very well equipped to handle this!



  52.  #52Victoria on December 16, 2015 at 7:04 am

    I mean I DID NOT know about Rori, not vice versa



  53.  #53IamHis on December 16, 2015 at 8:36 am

    I spoke too soon about the rage. This is really bad, but I have faith I can get through it. I have to believe that.



  54.  #54Azure Blu on December 16, 2015 at 8:38 am

    Mandy!!!!
    Ohhh… this interaction with Valentine sounds soooo precious and electrifying!!!
    Thank you for sharing…
    I am loving how you are relaxing into it… especially knowing about the the relationship you are working through with J.
    Wow… BRAVA siren!!!
    oxoxo



  55.  #55Ayesha on December 16, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Victoria 49-50,
    Thanks for your feedback.
    I agree. I know what the issue is, I need to do something about it now, as in, within myself.
    I’ve been talking to my therapist about it. The thing is that I used to like that thing, but now I don’t, and I need to feel ok with myself that I don’t like that anymore. The way I relate to men and to myself is changing… and it’s ok if I want something different. And I’m also learning that MY wants and needs matter, and if he can’t fulfil MY needs then maybe that is (should be?!) a dealbreaker for ME. Trying to focus on me and what I want and if HE is a good fit for ME rather than how can I make him stick around…
    This feels uncomfortable. Makes me angry and resentful. And i guess underneath that i feel fear of being alone. Disappointed in him… sigh.



  56.  #56Azure Blu on December 16, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Ayesha…
    Lovely Siren thank you for sharing your authentic, vulnerable self with us here on Siren Island…
    When reading your conversation with your bf… i thought it was VERY sireny… gReat job goddess!!

    Victoria you are amazing with your deep insights!!!

    As an older woman (64yr) it’s interesting to remember the journey my se*uality has taken!!!
    I WAS very naive at your age… the most porn I had ever seen was in Playboy magazines (and I was sooo upset when I found a stack in my husbands closet :-))
    Now I wouldn’t think anything of that!

    Now, after Cding for the past 4 yrs (after many years of not dating) With one bf (after he asked many times) I agreed to try something I really wasn;t interested in… and actually after we tried it, he and I both decided we really didn’t like it… so it never happened again…
    My recent bf has asked me if I would like to do this and I just said “No… I know I wouldnt like anything like that.:”
    He asked a few more times… that’s fine… I guess he thinks its’ something men should ask for?!



  57.  #57Turquoise on December 16, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Hi Sirens…. hope everyone is well. My birthday is this Saturday, so trying to make some time for me… in the middle of all the holiday rush and my girls’ being in a musical this weekend.

    My nails are a mess… and while I really don’t have extra money to spend on myself right now, I’m treating myself to a manicure tomorrow. It makes me feel so much more feminine and confident.

    If anyone is looking for any pampering products, click on my name and it will take you to my website. I have a company I’m trying to get moving and the products are wonderful, all natural and smell amazing. If you join the perks program you get points just for signing up and can order free samples. It’s fun!

    All my men have taken a step back except Someday. He’s still in my daily life and while we don’t get to spend a lot of time together, we are getting closer and closer each week. I have always felt that a man who wants to be with you will make time… no matter what. The thing with Someday, he has a lot of family obligations right now. He’s been very honest about it, and upfront. None of it feels like excuses, just the truth. He takes care of his mom, his daughter lives an hour away and needs him to take her to work often, his work is an hour away and crazy… and he said he feels like a gypsy, he’s always driving. So, the good thing is… I can feel his guard coming down some and we do have plans for my birthday this weekend. He hates the holidays…. which I love… so that’s blah… but trying to see where he is coming from, I do understand. Maybe I’ll inspire him to feel differently… maybe not… but it’s not my problem, so I’m not worried about it.

    I’m not attached to any outcome. I enjoy him, he’s stepped up a lot more than I anticipated… so just open to seeing what happens. I had a psychic reading the other day and she immediately shared a lot of truths about him, and said she got a good feeling, give him time for his stuff, but he has good intentions towards me and she liked what she saw. My cards showed I’ve been through a lot of crap, but it’s behind me now! 🙂

    Hope all is well!



  58.  #58Turquoise on December 16, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Oops! click this link.



  59.  #59Victoria on December 16, 2015 at 10:16 am

    Ayeasha,
    With regards to s*x, I figured I like different things with different men. My former lover was kinky the right way, and I have done some wonderful things with him that would not cross my mind to do with anyone else. You can always change your mind at any point.



  60.  #60Femininewoman on December 16, 2015 at 11:35 am

    Happy Birthday Turquoise. Hope you get to enjoy it 🙂



  61.  #61Azure Blu on December 16, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    Victoria #57…
    Yes.. this is so true!! LOVE this!



  62.  #62Millie on December 16, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    I feel like I’m about to burst. The disappointment of unmet dreams ringing in my head…that phrase, so true. I hate that it’s true, I hate that I can’t give myself what I want. I feel so alone and disliked. I feel so ordinary and not special. I feel confused. I thought once M left my life that that would leave room for better men to come in, but they haven’t. I’m disappointed in the quality of men I attract. I’m tired of online dating, full of flakes… Flakey men asking me to come over, to smoke pot, texting me at 8pm asking if I’m free, not texting at all, saying pests get together on tuesay and not following through, my app busy buzzing with “he wants to meet you” notifications, tons of messages from men who have lazy profiles, who look not serious, dangerous even, seeking a casual fling, asking if I’m submissive without even a hello. I want to scream and pull my hair out. I hear about men and women who have partners coming out of their ears, the naturals, people around me married with kids talking about their relationships how many thanksgivings they have had with their partner… I’ve never even celebrated a holiday with a man, not New Years, not Xmas, not thanksgiving…. And I feel so inept, so behind, so undesired and unlovable. And I ask myself why is this the way it is?! What am I doing?! And I kept help but be picky, be unforgiving, keep walls up because I don’t want to let men in who are sub par…who don’t meet my requirements. I don’t want men who do nothing to pursue a woman to be rewarded. Part of me wants to punish them, punish all of them for the hurt I feel. It drives me crazy that I cannot ever contact M. I have to live with what happened, knowing he left because he didn’t want me for some reason. I flipped that switch… I have to live in that punishment. And sex… So many unworthy lovers… Men who don’t deserve me, who are selfish and thinking only of the pleasure they will feel… I am beautiful and have so many interests, I have so much, and yet I spend night after night disappointed with someone or sad and alone without someone. I want to scream and run til I can’t stop, get in the car and drive to another state to find M, show up at his door and confront him. You don’t give someone the world and then take it away the next day. I had happiness and I ruined it. I know I’m not supposed to take the blame for his actions, but let’s face it. I did something. I know I did. How can I trust anyone….. Especially if they show up less wonderful than he was? He was wonderful and he left… So why bother with anyone less… Anything less…. I don’t want crumbs. I don’t want casual use me for a night, I’m lonely, I just moved here, im bored sex. ugh. Frustrated. Can’t find my happy place, can’t focus on the good. Nothing good about being in a relationship with me.



  63.  #63Liquid Light on December 16, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Happy Birthday Turquoise!!



  64.  #64Liquid Light on December 16, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Just found out that WMD is in a relationship. Bleh. I feel disappointed and sad and angry and relieved. He was trying to justify his actions on the phone, and telling me he’s got a great relationship (he lives with her) and that he’s also got his animalistic drives and blah blah blah. Of course he just wants to keep the conversation between he and I. Bleh. Just feels so slimy. Attraction is vanishing into thin air.

    I wonder about her. I met her the other night. Really nice attractive woman. Why does she put up with this behavior? That’s really disappointing too. I know its her choice but I can’t imagine she’s too happy about his flirtations. The whole thing just feels really sad.



  65.  #65Ayesha on December 16, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    Azure Blue 54 –
    Thank you so much for your encouragement, fellow sireny siren! *blush* Yeah I have to admit I feel really proud and giggly because I was successful at communicating in feeling messages even though my default mode is analysis and thinking. (I didn’t say a lot of the ‘I think’ stuff I wrote here out loud to him, that was just for context for you all..). It’s so HARD for me to rein in the analysis, my mind is going a mind a minute trying to figure out solutions and propose them to him like ‘why dont we just xyz?’ but then… what’s in it for him? 😉 hehe he’s very cerebral too and very masculine and likes being in charge, likes to be the man and take the lead, and actually me leaning back has felt… surprising, like i was really surprised when he said “are you sure you’re fine?” I feel touched that a man cares enough about me to pick up the slack and ask the follow up question :/ so… yeah, trying to get used to leaning back instead of Leaning In hehe. trying to feel secure in the certainty that some day, some man will pick up the slack and i don’t need to be the one to make it happen.

    Victoria 57 –
    Thanks for sharing that with me. It may sound obvious to others but I need to see/hear it. Also I found your tone in that last comment very centered and intriguing – very sireny! It made me want to tap into my wholeness (like you) and be less needy. When I’m interacting with someone who is whole and centered I feel compelled to be that way too.



  66.  #66Dixie on December 16, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Lovergirl – I was just reading your posts here and the feeling that came up was just, “Wow.”

    Not in a horribly, shocked way but like a “aha!” moment. I read about your inner strength when talking to S., and I loved how centred you seem, then I read about your promotion, and I was so happy for all the ways that your masculine energy is really looking after your feminine self.

    Then, when I read about Millionaire, although I felt sick at first (I’m sure that felt awful to discover but hopefully, you feel some relief in knowing that your instincts are protecting you), this is how it looked to me: “Here Lovergirl is, flexing her heart muscles to really put herself first; here she is getting this amazing recognition for her general awesomeness at work; here she is responding to S with a strong sense of self, sounding warm and open, and soooo grounded. And here is the Universe saying to Lovergirl, yes, Millionaire was the “messenger”, here to shower you with masculine energy and passion when you were reeling from S. to remind you how desirable you are.”

    I don’t have Facebook but I do know that photos posted are curated collections of the truth -that is, they tell the truth, but they don’t reveal the whole story.

    I’m not giving advice Lovergirl, but from here, where I type, it looks like you are blossoming and expanding, getting all this great positive feedback at work, and anything that can’t match that positive energy is slowly being pulled out of your life.



  67.  #67Dixie on December 16, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    Mandy – just wanted to say thank you for sharing so openly about your relationship with Valentine.

    He sounds so masculine and protective, and it felt heart-warming to read this!

    Just today, while driving home, I was missing D – all the lovely, warm, protective sweet moments, where we would open up and share – and when I read your posts now, a little flame lit up inside up, warming me, reminding me of how wonderful it feels to be in a moment like that, with a man like that!



  68.  #68Dixie on December 16, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    Ayesha and Indigo,

    “And I love what you’ve said about your inner boy being a reflection of the man you’re going to attract. This: “Rori says that the boy you’re being to your girl is the boy you’re gonna meet out there – it’s like the Law of Attraction.”

    This really resonated with me! I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with work – at the point of almost feeling really, really, burned out. And this morning, feeling so exasperated, I just slowed right down, and imagined, if my Forever was here , what would that feel like in this moment? What would his masculine energy do to take of me? That’s when it really felt easy – I just have to let my Inner Boy take care of the Inner Girl, not only to simply get stuff done, but mostly so that the feeling of being loved and protected and cared for becomes so familiar to me that I won’t accept less.



  69.  #69Liquid Light on December 16, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    (((((((((((((((((((((((Millie))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    You will find your wonderful loving man! You are a beautiful talented creative spirit! I just wish you could see it and believe it too!

    I really believe that all of the struggle you are going through is happening for a reason and leading you on the path you need to take to arrive at that place where you see how wonderful you are! 🙂



  70.  #70karen on December 16, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Hi, I got your complete program to try and help myself. I’ve lost my inner light. I’ve gone thru hell this year..starting with the suicide death of my boss, the end of my marriage, the death of my dad, the death of 2 pets, and my job going down the tubes, where I have been thrown back into a dept that I worked so hard to get out of. I’m lost…I’m not seeing the light at the end of this hell. Friday, marks 1 year that my boss killed himself.



  71.  #71Ayesha on December 16, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    ((((((((((((Millie))))))
    I totally echo what Liquid Light 67 is saying.

    I’ve been slow to respond because it feels yesterday when I was in the exact same spot and it feels scary to connect… because it is all too familiar and it feels so sad and painful.

    What I can say for sure is that you are being your truest and most beautiful self and it is just incredibly beautiful. I don’t know why we have to go through this, but sometimes we do. There was a quote from Lao Tzu that helped me get through ‘New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.’ I’m so very sorry for your pain but I’m so proud of you and of me and of all of us for feeling the pain and living in truth. I think it really is true that the truth sets you free. Trust me, you have absolutely no way of knowing all the blessings and beauty that lie ahead. For me, I had to become truly whole before – well, before I realized that that was enough, and that that was the ultimate that I had really need, hidden way way way underneath for a man. And of course after that, they started showing up. But it’s so clear that you’re transforming, and that you’re at such an incredibly fragile and tender part of your life journey which is truly full of absolutely infinite possibilities ahead. When I ‘broke’, I had to every choice all over again- who are my friends? who are my family? what is my style? what colors do i like? how do i want my room to look? what are my religious beliefs? what does love mean to me anyway? what does ME mean to me anyway? and, hehe of course in the moment i would have felt angry if someone had suggested this, but now that was truly the moment of birth – a re-birth, like a new born baby who has infinite possibilities ahead of them… this is the universe’s gift to you… a chance to be born again, and this time you get to choose everything.
    I’m sending you so much love and comfort and just feel so much joy in the knowledge that the most beautiful journey lies ahead for you.
    <3
    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/542120873873194465/



  72.  #72Indigo on December 16, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    There’s a line from the musical “Chess” which I love, which says “Each game we get through means one less mistake left for the making.” This is how I feel about dating, which is why it’s kind of impossible for me to get discouraged by all the bad dates, or at least the ones that don’t fit. Yes I feel a bit annoyed when people misrepresent themselves or turn out to be creepy or flakey… but, it means more possibilities I can cross off my list. It means I’m getting closer to finding my man. And the less time I spend dwelling on it, the more energy I free up to dream and look forward to the day when I meet him.

    Don’t get me wrong, I do get disappointed. I went out on 2 dates with a guy who, whilst terribly sweet, was so placid and bland and wrapped in his own insecurities that it made me wonder what I was doing there. And last night I briefly went out to meet a man who looked nothing, NOTHING whatsoever like his pictures. I mean, if you squinted and used your imagination it was the same person, but I don’t know how he doctored those photos to look so much better than the real thing. It was annoying, and in person I could tell there was no fit. Sigh. But I’m not going to waste any more time there with either of them.

    I refuse to make a square peg fit into a round hole. I know that that is why it is taking me so long, and not because there’s anything wrong with me. There are many things in life I am willing to compromise on, but having a partner whom I love and adore is not one of them. There are millions of men out there, and it only takes one. I am nexting men who I can feel in my intuition are not my man, and I am doing it quickly. I am not hanging out in the Last Chance Saloon with inappropriate men any more. My prince is out there!



  73.  #73Millie on December 16, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    Liquid Light– thank you for your sweet and supporting words and listening to my vent. I really felt earlier this intensity building in my chest, like I was spinning…it happens a lot, mostly in situations of social anxiety where I feel less than, which I did today and so many feelings surfaced.

    Indigo–Yes I totally agree–no more Last Chance Saloon–I’m so done with it, but I guess each “next” doesn’t make me feel closer to meeting a keeper, it makes me feel further away. I don’t always dwell on it…I just tend to share my negative feelings more because those are the ones I need help with. I have so much positivity in my life, but negativity is always hovering. For example I am loving my stress free new job, am planning to get a new car by the end of the year, am going skiing this wknd, and I am constantly dancing and also riding horses. I spend time with my close friends and family weekly. I have a very full life, but I just want to attract better men. I want to circular date better men. I want better choices and to be treated better. I know I sound very demanding.

    Lovergirl–that’s so amazing your gut was right!!! Shows us all to trust ourselves a little bit more! I’m sorry it turned out that he was indeed married, but you are doing so well with CDing and trusting yourself! Yay!



  74.  #74Indigo on December 16, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    Millie,

    I don’t think it sounds demanding at all. Except that I think “better” is all very relative and subjective. Men come in all shapes and sizes, and I think it’s probably unrealistic to think that a steady supply of handsome, interesting, well-off and emotionally available men will come flowing past your door for you to choose from (as much as I am tempted to think that way myself). I think if you are careful you can limit the potential suitors to “mostly good guys”, but there’s still so much variety and so many variables within that pool. I find it helpful to think about what I can compromise on. But I’m still aware that the man that I could be happy with would be pretty special indeed, so I’m content to wait and keep looking. In terms of making the waiting and the sifting through easier on yourself, it really helps to have a good idea of what you’re looking for, and what prevents you from being with the guys who are presenting themselves. That way you don’t go into that deep dark place of “what’s wrong with me” and “why isn’t it working out”. I’ve found keeping it real to be very helpful.



  75.  #75Indigo on December 16, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    For instance, I’m happy to compromise on looks, but not on integrity. I’m happy to compromise on money, but not on a man’s passion for what he does.



  76.  #76Victoria on December 17, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Ayesha,
    There is more I want to say around s*x now that I have more time about it.
    I have figured that women and men have certain problems around communicating about it. I am not so sure whether we truly experience it differently, or it is just that men are so protective of their feelings, so much conditioned not to speak up from their heart, that we both get lost in translation.
    There have been situations when I was asked what I like in bed, and the thing is, this is such a loaded question. It basically asks what kind of stuff have you done, and how far away from the plain vanilla stuff you might be willing to go. And, of course I would be afraid to speak up the truth, I do not want to be judged, or evaluated, or classifies as anything. I don’t want a label, I don’t want to be a prude, or a slu*t, or just ordinary. Because I am neither of these, I could be any of those, depending on the man. So, I might say something generic and blah like “I like lots of kissing and cuddling” but even this is not always true, and not with every one. Even about the man pleasing a woman, I don’t always like that, even a man who does it great 90% of the time, sometimes it just does not work ok, and I don’t want any of it. Also, I have experiences when the man was “technically” a true master, and I had a fantastic experience with him, but he did not treat me the way I like to be treated outside of the bedroom, and so I just had to let him go.
    All these being said, there are men you would me a natural match with, and others who are not. Some men require some very particular types of stimulation, because they simply can not be satisfied without those, and if this is outside of your comfort zone, you will resent him, so in my mind, it is better to just let him find someone who is a better match.



  77.  #77Victoria on December 17, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Ayeasha,
    One more thing, I believe it is totally ok to leave a man because the s*x was not great. Not every one will agree with that, and I am sure very different approached can be argued.
    Unlike Indigo, I am willing to compromise on integrity, in exchange for amazing s*x (can we have both please?). I like a bit of bad boy streak, it usually makes great lovers, slightly unreliable on the boyfriend side.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on December 17, 2015 at 6:17 am

    I love it Indigo



  79.  #79Azure Blu on December 17, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Indigo…#68
    LOVE THIS!!!!!
    “There are millions of men out there,
    and it only takes one.
    I am nexting men who I can feel in my intuition are not my man,
    and I am doing it quickly.
    I am not hanging out in the Last Chance Saloon with inappropriate men any more. My prince is out there!”



  80.  #80Millie on December 17, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Indigo– that’s a great idea! To figure out what my compromises are! Thank you that can make the process a bit easier.

    I listened to Leigha lake’s recording last night and felt soooo inspired and tingly!!!! Hearing her voice made such a huge difference instead of just reading her words. One thing that stuck out the most was this phrase: “I am the Queen of my own life. Waiting for my King.”

    I love that.

    Maybe I should read the queens code since I was really feeling like a bratty princess yesterday. Haha



  81.  #81Azure Blu on December 17, 2015 at 11:26 am

    Rori Says:
    “You’ve heard me talk about The Relationship Timeline and how to BRIDGE across it to the relationship you want. When you date a number of men all at once, having sex with none, or perhaps only one, you are CONTINUING ON with your life and the process of walking across the Bridge to what you want.
    The first thing that will happen for you is you’ll realize how much power you actually have in ANY relationship.
    You know how it feels when you just LOVE being with someone? How you just “click” and you could stay up all night talking and making love with him?
    Well, a man feels exactly the same way. If he’s excited about seeing you, the most withdrawal you’ll ever see from him is if he’s trying to “play it cool,” just as we might if we were afraid we were chasing after him.
    Otherwise, he’ll be WITH you. He’ll be walking across that Bridge WITH you. He’ll be calling you, texting you, following through.
    A lot of men do that at the BEGINNING – but then it all falls away. They’re excited for awhile, but when things get real, and both of you can see a bit more of who you both are, inside, they don’t want to trade their “Freedom” for a life with you.
    And in order to make it across the Bridge and get what you want, you have to be able to take yourself “through” those kinds of men.
    It’s Like A Marathon Race
    If you keep walking across the Bridge – even if men come and go, race ahead and fall back – it won’t matter.
    Because YOU KEEP GOING!
    • You may stop for a minute to catch your breath or mourn one man’s fading away, but soon, you pick yourself up, and find pleasure in the running and walking, and expect to find JOY up ahead!
    • You expect to COMPLETE the marathon. Just like you expect to get to the relationship you want
    • You don’t let ANY man throw you off course, or knock you down, or even take you by the hand and try to lead you off the track
    • You stick to what you want
    • You stick to being on your own side
    • You stick to yourself and stand up for yourself, and expect a great man to get to the finish line with you
    And he WILL.
    This is what my friend did.
    • She didn’t let the men who “almost were” throw her off course
    • She had so much practice, she tells me, with men dropping out of sight after six weeks of whirlwind romance and dating
    • She started to “get” that it was a pattern many men repeat over and over again, and once she stopped getting all caught up in it, she was able to truly NOT CARE if they faded away
    • She was dating so many men, and trying so hard to manage her SCHEDULE – she completely lost interest in trying to manage the men IN her schedule
    • She discovered she had NO time or energy to think about what THEY were thinking about
    • She discovered that there was no way she could EVER “figure out” what was going on with a man, so she stopped even trying to figure him out
    If he wasn’t up for the long term, then good riddance.



  82.  #82Indigo on December 17, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Waiting for my king. Yes, I think that would describe me too. And trust yourself, Millie, that you will know him when you find him. It may not all unfold exactly the way you think you want it to, but trust it all the same.

    I am well aware that I have given a pass on numerous guys whom many women would have been only too happy with. And as time has gone on I have made peace with that. At first I was quite hard on myself about it, because “there’s obviously nothing wrong with him” and “I could have been married and had xyz by now”. But you know, I’m me. Not them. At the same time, I’ve loved a couple of guys (not many) whom other women would have found hard to love. So, I’m just going to trust my own unique journey.



  83.  #83Azure Blu on December 17, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Victoria #72
    Lovely, sharing here!! Thanks for all that great thoughtful insight!!!
    A great conversation about a topic not often discussed here!!! :-))



  84.  #84Azure Blu on December 17, 2015 at 11:50 am

    Millie #76
    love your authentic, vulnerable and brave self sharing all your downs
    AND YOUR UPS!!
    You sound like the Queen!!! :-))



  85.  #85Azure Blu on December 17, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Feeling anxious, agitated… scared…

    I have held onto my boundaries with CD- RM
    He has invited me to 3 days of wonderful holiday events after Christmas day (spent lots of money for tickets etc…)
    We were talking on the phone and he asked what I was doing for Christmas day and i said I had plans with my family… He got very quiet… It felt like he was wanting me to invite him to my family party…
    But I am not ready to do that…
    He’s met my sister and her husband, and my friends.
    I’ve met some of his family after Thanksgiving…

    I feel everything is going well (3 months dating)
    I’m happy with the pace of us getting to know each other!!! :-))

    Today Spirit brought me lunch. He hasn’t been to my house for awhile because I am feeling out of balance with him being at my house so much and me NOT ever being at his house.

    He invited me to celebrate New Years Eve with him… I’m pretty sure RM has already asked me (I can’t remember what it is we’re doing)
    I didn’t say anything about NY eve..
    He asked again and I said I think I already have plans…
    He said “A date?” and I said yes…
    (Spirit asked about being exclusive several months ago but it wasn’t agreed on)
    I felt good reminding him we are not exclusive…
    to keep things honest…

    I said: “Spirit I only want to date you. I haven’t been to your house or met any of your family.”
    He said: “I’m trying to set it up for you to come to my house.”
    I said: ” I know but it hasn’t happened yet. I feel deceived and taken advantage of.”
    He said: “Well, I’m NOT trying to do that.”
    He stayed and hung around for several hours while I worked. We cuddled and made jokes, tried to relax and I practiced unzipping my heart and just “Being”.

    We’ll see what happens… :-))

    Azure… I love you, I take up for what YOU want… kindly, softly, but firmly…
    I am leaning back as these men process their feelings and thoughts…
    I am hugging YOU, Azure!!! I can feel my self esteem soaring as I stretch my wings and my heart!!
    Learning how to STAY calm and PRESENT as I share what I want with men that I have deep feelings for.

    I keep thinking one of them is going to say. “if you don’t want to be exclusive then I can’t date you anymore.” But it’s been 2 months for both of them…



  86.  #86Mandy on December 17, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    Azure and Dixie,

    Thank you so much, I am actually looking for validation, lol, I’ll just come right out and say it. I thought I had it all right when I started listening to Rori four years ago, but then I got into that awful toxic situation where the man wouldn’t even sit next to me while we watched tv. He expected me to survive on LESS than table scraps. Now I’ve got this guy, I’ve got his attraction, I’ve triggered his protection, and he can’t get enough of admiring everything feminine about me. I mean….

    It’s like night and day. This is crazy and so much fun. It’s TOO good!!!

    What was I thinking looking for these guys who were….well…I hate to say it…NOT masculine?

    Not masculine…I mean it doesn’t make them, uh…less of a person, it just makes them not a good match for me.

    Back to the good stuff, lol! Wow, I’m impressed. I just love how he tells me how much he loves this and that about me, and I’m thinking “You just read my mind, I was thinking that about YOU!” But I just forget about that. I just let him dote. I love how he cups my chin when he kisses me. I mean he’s so different. So many guys i know are so bland and they won’t do anything they’ll just assume you’ll be hot for them. This one couldn’t get any nicer or better looking and yet he has this huge sense of responsibility towards me. HUGE.
    Because I’m a woman!

    What FASCINATES me is that I’m thinking it is cultural/from his family’s values. He was raised to treat a woman, like a very special person, protect her, make sure she’s happy, make sure she’s taken care of, and be that pillar of strength. God it’s exciting.

    What an exciting discovery. I guess I needed to see this awesomeness for myself! The motherly person in me always took pity on the guy who was sensitive and meek, and who took rather than gave.
    Why, I have NO idea…I have this Martyr’s complex…or should I say HAD one?

    I woke up today and I felt, no more, no more dealing with unreliable people…it’s not just not worth it, it is DIRE. It’s just like me needing to take my Thyroid medicine. I have to in order to stay alive, really. I need to say no, I need to let myself be known, I need to tell about if I do or don’t consent, and I need to cut certain things off if they are not working. I felt this strength pop up inside me, and it felt very dark, but my “boy” (inside me) is a huge, dark MAN. He’s like a giant shadowy mountain, like a huge dark and he’ll use it to my proverbial “girl’s” advantage because she’s so incredibly delicate, he knows she needs him, and she needs him to be big and huge and overbearing, to be able to take care of her.

    You see, LOL, I’m trying to tell my boy to get the hell out of the way when Valentine is in my presence. LOL. It’s funny as can be when I think about it. It’s like telling your dad to go away when you’re about to go to the Prom lol.

    Or I’m imagining a tiny kid telling a giant to go play for a minute lol.



  87.  #87Emerson on December 17, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    Hello Sirens…
    Yes we cannot impose order….
    ah such a great reminder Rori…since I love things to be neat and tidy and orderly…but they never are, and that’s life and that is ok!!



  88.  #88Millie on December 18, 2015 at 1:17 am

    Azure– thank you!!! And you sound so centered with your two men orbiting around you 🙂

    I quoted Leigha incorrectly earlier… The saying is “I am the Queen of my life and THIS will ATTRACT my king.”

    Oh so much more powerful than waiting.

    I realized that the fact that I’m not dating anyone at all creates such a sense of urgency with me to go out and “find” a man, to work harder, put myself out there, masculine energy step to and get me out there in front of him. That I’m really working against myself when no man is present. I have to trust the universe, and magnetism, attraction…. I have to have faith in that, but my logical mind says that beleiving isn’t doing.



  89.  #89Mandy on December 18, 2015 at 1:54 am

    I remembered to have a big laugh that helped…comedians are heros in my eyes hahaha…



  90.  #90Victoria on December 18, 2015 at 4:05 am

    Azure 81,
    Brava! It takes amazing courage to do this!
    I know how scary it is to be risking a good relationship for the sake of the best relationship!
    You are truly amazing.
    And I am soooo curious where this will go.
    I think (with my logical mind) that men love a challenge, and they love competition, and you are giving them the time of their life by allowing them to compete for you! You would be in fact dramatically decreasing the pleasure and excitement of the chosen one, once you drop the other guy.
    At the same time, the feeling I get, just like you, is just fear… What if I end up alone… or what if I choose the wrong one and as soon as he knows I am exclusive with him, all the romance and effort on his part drops down to zero… You are amazing to be able to more beyond this fear, and always put yourself, and your best interest first!
    You are such an inspiration for me Azure! Keep up being a diva!



  91.  #91Emerson on December 18, 2015 at 6:22 am

    I have a date on Saturday with a man I met while out with friends a few weeks ago. He is sweet, too young for me but I am trying to remain open. I am feeling excited and a little nervous. First date in a long time.



  92.  #92Azure Blu on December 18, 2015 at 6:26 am

    Victoria #86
    Ahhhh… lovely Siren!!! Wonderful to have your bright shinning light beam on ME!!!
    Thank you for those words of Great encouragement!
    I am blushing with the knowledge that I could be an inspiration!!! :-)))

    and Yes… the fear of loosing both of them?!!!
    Aghhh!!!
    but my heart tells me *I* will be alright!

    All the RR tools have grown my self esteem and self love to heights I never thought possible…

    So what each man does, although I know will not always feel good, isn’t as important as it used to be
    for *i* am on my HappilyEverAfter everyday
    Whether there is a man in my life of not!!!



  93.  #93Millie on December 18, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    Emerson–Yay!!! I hope you have a great time!!!

    Azure–I love your shining siren voice 🙂



  94.  #94Millie on December 18, 2015 at 11:23 pm

    So I started a new job a month ago…and in that have realized some startling things about myself that weren’t really evident in my previous job. As I reflect on it…I see how clearly the experiences we have shape our reactions, our feelings, and “train” us. It is hard to see with men and dating sometimes…much uncovering is needed. Yet I see so blatantly, the same issues, prevalent in how I respond to people at work. I wasn’t always this way…I became this way. I was trained. In saying “this way” I mean that…my previous boss was very hard on us, actually I had two female bosses, who could be very demeaning. If you asked a question, you never knew how they were going to react. I spent my days on eggshells, without even realizing it. One minute, they would respond nicely and the anxiety I allowed to build up beforehand would dissipate. On other days, the yelling and cussing echoed through the small space, asking how stupid are you and did you even go to school, an hour long lecture about common sense, about how busy she was and we should think for ourselves. The result was that I thought for myself, but I also walked on eggshells, plotting and planning timing. I became indirect. I became and am, a dog scared of getting hit. I didn’t realize it, until I started at this new company where everyone is very nice and no one raises their voice or tells you how incompetent you are on a daily basis….and I find myself…bracing myself to get berated. My confidence level is low because well one it’s a new place, but two I have to prove myself and everyday I’m waiting to be yelled at, told I’m not doing a good job, that I’m not doing enough, asking enough….thinking right…wow…..

    I know I’m good at what I do. I know it. Without a doubt in my mind. And yet, how I have been treated, has trained me to expect a certain level of treatment and has changed how I view myself. I feel like I’m not doing a good job…because I was previously made to feel that way 24/7. I worry about myself…because confidence is key. I cannot succeed without confidence in my ability and at the same time I have to have faith that OTHERS believe in me too, even though I’m new. I can existentially SEE me reacting in patterns. It’s like all of a sudden when someone is nice to you and the only way you know how to respond is to disregard it…”well they really don’t mean it…” WOW I’ve talked about this with my coworkers at the time and they all feel the same way…..it was a very negative and abusive, dysfunctional workplace. I mean, to feel a rush of anxiety when I have to ask my boss a question…it’s awful. I didn’t know if I was going to be received well or set off a bomb. But now, it seems, I work with stable people and there is no need for me to behave this way anymore. I seriously want to cry when I realize I’m doing it…..luckily one of my new coworkers has been through a similar experience and understands. So I know it is possible to overcome, it will just take time and really being conscious.

    And I really think that this obvious behavior in the workplace is the same as how I feel with men. Eggshells and waiting for bombs to go off. When I reply to men on pof and state my truth, am very clear but not accusatory about what I would like…I’m always afraid of getting berated. Being told I’m only good for sex….or who would want to date me…or men just asking me if I use birth control…I’m really appalled. The point is, I have a systemic issue…..and sometimes I wonder if talking to a therapist would help. I am SO in my head all the time, and I feel this wave of anxiety daily, I really dislike it, but I know I can be great at what I do…and I can’t let this get in the way. I was hired for a pretty good reason. But I hate that I feel like I’m seeking approval from people at work. Unfortunately, that’s how it goes…the learning curve and hopefully after at least 3 months in I’ll have gotten the gist of the new system.

    It’s so easy to say — abandon your past and treat every new experience as what it is–new! But it really is amazing how the body and mind develop patterns of protection and methodology. Where logic becomes very twisted….



  95.  #95Millie on December 18, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    Also– I work with this wonderful woman, who is the same age as me….and really just fills the place with light when she comes in. Well, I see her light. Her laugh is so unique and jovial and genuine!! She is married and pregnant now with her second child….and the stories she tells are so funny and her husband seems so into her…I think to myself, wow she must be so fun to be married to…and then I look at me…and think, wow how not fun am I to be married to? She laughs at everything, never takes anything too seriously….whereas I take everything too seriously. She’s a beam of light, and it’s amazing. Her spirit shines through so easily. I’m like wow no wonder no one likes me…I’m always tense and evaluating…whether its others or myself. Wow, I wish I could be like her…so jovial in every little thing, no worries..laughs at the silly things her husband does…very much a siren.



  96.  #96Emerson on December 19, 2015 at 5:15 am

    Millie
    I feel so happy that you got out of a bad work sutuation.
    It does take time to “reprogram” ourselves and it seems like you are on the right track. There is no way we can change in a day. I hope you enjoy your new job and the past negAtive experiences will fade.
    One thing I do in the morning is I write out my intentions. Even for just 30 seconds in the car before I walk in and that helps me to stay open.
    You’ve inspired me as I may try this before dates too…I intend to remain open, I intend to be happy, I intend to lean back, etc…



  97.  #97Azure Blu on December 19, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Millie #90
    I feel inspired reading about How YOU got out of your old negative work situation and found a NEW job.
    How wonderful that they are completely opposite of the last job!!!
    I believe it is very important to give ourselves LOTS of praise and credit for things Like this…

    For me, giving MYSELF the praise and credit I deserve
    for allllllll the GREAT things
    I have done FOR *ME*
    has completely changed my vibe (and that is what you are liking about the smiley lady at work)

    Take yourself on the step by step journey it took to
    get this better job for YOU!!
    Tell your lil girl you did this all for HER!!! because you LOVE and cherish HER!!
    and didn’t want her to be miserable at work
    ANYMORE!!!
    Yay Siren,
    You deserve this wonderful job!!
    Great work in getting it for YOU!!!



  98.  #98Azure Blu on December 19, 2015 at 9:34 am

    As Rori Says:
    “Where do we go – by choice or automatically –
    that stops us from creating good feeling experiences between us and *US*!

    When we’re continually, on a moment-by-moment, day-in-and-day-out basis,
    going to a place where we don’t feel good about ourselves or anyone else.

    Yet – and this is the important thing:
    It’s completely, totally,
    absolutely possible
    to build a good feeling experience.

    You can still ALLOW (I am practicing, practicing) yourself to FEEL GOOD. And that ALLOWING of yourself to feel good
    will allow everyone around you – especially a man – to breathe.”



  99.  #99Indigo on December 19, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Ladies,

    Bush Boy came to visit me today! Out of the blue! He totally surprised me. I want to shout it from the rooftops!! 😀 It was totally, absolutely, blissfully wonderful.



  100.  #100Azure Blu on December 19, 2015 at 10:03 am

    ((((Indigo))))
    Ohhh.. Siren…. I feel soooo happy for you!
    I’m so glad for your Christmas Surprise!!

    Had you been leaning back from Bush boy?
    I know you had been Cding!!



  101.  #101Indigo on December 19, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Azure Blu,

    It was the best Christmas present ever 🙂

    I had not been seriously CDing since I met Bush Boy. I dated B for about a month but I knew he was not right for me and we quickly transitioned into being just friends. Bush Boy was and is very special and someone who has remained on my heart.

    I dated a very little, one or two first dates, but no one clicked and it was more just to get myself out of the house. Not planning on being involved with anyone else beyond friends.

    As far as leaning back, well yeah I’ve been leaning back in the sense that I have not put an ounce of pressure on Bush Boy since he’s been up there for him to come and see me. This has not been very hard to do since I instinctively know the kind of man he is and I respect what he is doing so much. We’ve kept in touch, although there were a couple of weeks where I didn’t hear from him. On Thursday he texted me and we had a long conversation over text so I brightened a lot over that, but he still at that stage mentioned that he didn’t know when he’d be able to come and visit, though he’d make it as soon as he can. Next thing I know he is here! I don’t know if he intended to surprise me or if it was a spur of the moment thing but who cares! I love it!

    On the note of leaning back, yes I have been very careful not to lead the relationship at all, or make him feel any pressure at all. I initiate the occasional text because I know how busy he is and I want him to know I am thinking of him, but I am always careful not to overdo it at all. Even today I refrained from asking any leading questions about his life and his plans – he will tell me what he wants to tell me when he is ready, and just enjoyed the time we had together – it was blissful! I want him to want to spend time with me!



  102.  #102Azure Blu on December 19, 2015 at 11:05 am

    Indigo #97
    Ahhhh… I am smiling reading your joy and light, happy heart!!

    As Leigha Lake says//// building those happy, intimate, Indigo filled
    moments…. :-))



  103.  #103Lovergirl on December 19, 2015 at 1:56 pm

    Azure (11)- I wish I could claim amazing organizational skills but I don’t feel like I have them at all! Lol I think I’m just used to having to manage 5 little people all the time so keeping track of everyone I work with and helping them out is like second nature, haha. 🙂



  104.  #104Lovergirl on December 19, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Azure 25-

    Thank you! At first I was feeling a little mad but after letting it set awhile I am not. I don’t really know his situation or why he is cheating and I’m certainly not one that is in a place to judge. For all I know she could be aware that he sleeps around. I mean, how could you NOT know your very good in bed, high sex drive, good looking, former college football player, millionaire husband that travels constantly for his job, was having sex with other women?

    I suspect there are plenty of women that would be willing to look the other way in order to be taken care of by such a man. I know I would! So….I don’t know.

    I’m glad I KNOW because it prevents me from believing that I would ever seriously end up with him. It also helps make sense of his behavior.

    I can’t really be mad at him for not being straight with me either, because even men in open relationships often hide the fact that they are married. Reason being, that most women are less likely to sleep with a man that is already “taken” or might think badly of him.

    I almost feel relieved. I don’t have to stress about him disappearing for days and not texting or not telling me where he really is when he’s right here at home, because I can attribute most of that to being married.



  105.  #105Lovergirl on December 19, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Indigo 28- Yes that is the main message I am taking from this- that knowing is half the battle in sparing myself from heartbreak.



  106.  #106Lovergirl on December 19, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    Liquid Light (30)-

    Thank you. I feel strangely nonplussed about it all. I suppose because it’s happened to me before, a few times. It seems kind of like par for the course- these amazingly wonderful, too good to be true, men- tend to be married!

    I haven’t told him I found out. I probably won’t even stop seeing him, as awful as that may sound. I don’t FEEL awful about it. I’m sure he’s cheating on her left and right with everyone under the sun. I’ll probably wait it out and let him tell me in his own time.

    I just know not to let MY heart get too invested and that I need to take care of myself. If his wife wants to be married to a guy like that, its really none of my business. That sounds so selfish but I just don’t have the time to worry about it.



  107.  #107Emerson on December 20, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Hello sirens,
    My date was a bust. LOL still a learning experience I guess. Not a love connection.
    It started out nice with dinner and a walk over the bridge. Very picturesque at this time of year and beautiful. Then when I called it a night after dinner, a walk and coffee…he became clingy and was begging me (??) not to go home yet. So clingy it was a turnoff.
    As I drove home I remembered Rori says remain open and look for the message.

    The message is don’t be clingy. And he also told me I sound like I have anger. Which I do. Which was weird because I felt that the conversation was neutral enough, didn’t think I was projecting anger, so it was interesting he said that.

    Sigh. onto the next.



  108.  #108Indigo on December 20, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Emerson,

    I can honestly say I have learnt as much from the dates that didn’t go well as from the ones that did.

    I went on a date with a guy who was disappointing in that he looked nothing like his profile pictures and was not interesting company at all. He took quite a shine to me though, and by the end of the date told me that he hadn’t been able to get me to laugh, and gently accused me of having no sense of humour (huh? he wasn’t even trying to be funny?). As much as I couldn’t wait for the evening to end, the moral of the story for me was that trying too hard is very unattractive, and I got to experience that squirmy feeling that guys must feel when we are not ourselves in order to try and impress them. Valuable lesson.



  109.  #109Emerson on December 20, 2015 at 8:58 am

    Side note, maybe my anger was showing through in the resentment that he was clingy and not wanting to go home and not respecting my wishes. I felt annoyed with this and maybe angry too.

    I didn’t have high expectations for this one but of course wanted to remain open and see what would happen. Good practice and made me realize my date outfit is really cute and I’ll wear it again haha.

    I’ve also been talking to someone long-distance who just happens to maybe be moving to my area….which will remain to be seen. We have a lot in common and we are the same age.

    I also got a couple more messages from my date last night: my spirituality and faith is really important to me and I want to be with someone my age range.

    I feel a bit disconnected when there is a large age gap or religious difference. Just me personally its not for me.



  110.  #110Emerson on December 20, 2015 at 9:01 am

    104 haha Indigo! Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
    You do certainly have a sense of humor and i can tell simply by reading your post because I myself chuckled as I read it!!



  111.  #111Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    Lovergirl #102
    I’m so glad that You know exactly where YOU stand with MM!!
    Now you know… and YOU have decided,
    no big deal, I enjoy his company,
    I know it’s not going anywhere,
    and I’m fine with that…

    I don’t know, but for me, it would be very good practice to share (however it may come up) your knowledge of his marital status… and share YOU”RE thoughts and feelings about it all…
    Taking you out of the victim role (which he may see you as because he thinks he is deceiving you!)
    This is just me but…It would seem VERY Sireny!
    Wonder what his reaction would be?



  112.  #112Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    Emerson…
    So sorry to hear about your date and it not going well…
    BUT you managed to look at all that you did learn!
    Yay!!!

    I have always agreed with you about the matching with a person of the same religion and faith
    (until I met Spirit and you have seen how we struggle with that!!!)
    Even though I have always dated younger men… now that I am over 55 I notice most men of this age group and older…
    want younger women!! sad but true… so I am dating men my age or a little older
    although Spirit is 3 years younger…
    I think it important to know some of what we feel will work best for us
    and then be flexible for most of the other stuff!!
    Hang in there Emerson you are an inspiration!!



  113.  #113Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Well lovely Sirens here is an update regarding my Cds

    Spirit is MIA… 2 days I have not heard from him… and for the past 2 months he has been texting and calling several times a day… AND seeing me everyday.
    So I imagine he was very hurt by finding out about me going out with someone else on New Years eve… a VERY special night for lovers!! :-((

    I was panicky yesterday… going over my position and boundaries…
    I LOVED having him in my life EVERYDAY…
    Having his clothes in my bedroom…
    cooking and sleeping together…
    Seeing how he DOES know how to be a boyfriend…
    It was SOOO lovely, and breathtakingly wonderful!!!
    But This position of me, NOT experiencing HIS life in HIS world, is VERY dangerous for me!

    Soooo… I am beginning leaning back and realizing
    My instincts are telling me there is more than his daughter that is the problem with logistics in inviting me to his house…
    While it is useless and unproductive to speculate (which I have not done for a year and half)
    To me it seems like he must have a girlfriend (ex?) in his apt complex who is VERY aware of his comings and goings… other wise he could have had me over numerous times…
    He continually changes anything I say (“I don’t have to meet your daughter… just invite me over for an hour or so”)
    to be alllllllll about meeting his daughter!
    It is Looking VERY deceitful!
    I told him the last time we talked (Thur).
    “I feel like i’m being taken advantage of.
    Can you help me understand what more might be going on.”
    He said the same thing… “I’m trying to work it out with E.”
    None of it makes sense anymore…
    So I want to focus on RMcd
    He is VERY open, seems VERY honest, fun, energetic
    and LIKES ME A LOT!! and is MORE financially stable than Spirit!
    All of which is WAY out of MY comfort zone…
    BUT I am READY to stretch my HEART muscle
    Even more and be with someone like this!!!
    Wish me luck Sirens!!



  114.  #114Zara on December 20, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    109 Azure Blue

    Bonne Chance, chère Azure Bleue. Je croise les doigts pour toi.

    xxx



  115.  #115Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 1:03 pm

    Chere Zara…
    Merci beaucoup!!
    I’m soooo glad I didn’t stop CDing!!



  116.  #116BeLoved on December 20, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    This past week I started a low-carb diet…which feels interesting because as many times as I’ve followed various diets, I don’t remember EVER actually saying “I’m on a diet”. It felt resonant and right to say that, though, so there it is.
    And…from coming off the carbs and sugar and getting back into dating again, I’m uncovering a deep, profound, gut-shaking fear of being raped.
    I imagine, that this is what I’ve been previously blocking out when I would always drink to quell my nerves on dates (or booty calls).
    Not to mention an equally horrifying fear of getting pregnant again. I never ever ever EVER want to be pregnant again, ever ever ever.
    This is coming up because in a weak moment, I made a “cuddle date”, and agreed to go to a guy’s house tomorrow night.
    We’ve already met and had dinner once. I told him all I want is cuddling and that I didn’t want to feel pressured to have sex. He seems accomodating, yet..it doesn’t feel right.
    Part of me feels like…just go, go for it, let my posse know where I am, and another part of me feels like if I do this I am just giving up on love…and then ANOTHER voice chimes in and tells me I’m making a big ginormous deal out of nothing.

    I mostly feel like saying I’ve changed my mind, I don’t feel comfortable going to his house.
    Maybe not explain.



  117.  #117BeLoved on December 20, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I seem to remember riffing on this fear before – fear of being raped, of being hurt, beaten, overpowered, tortured, locked in a closet, all of those bad kinds of things.
    So it’s nothing new, only it’s feeling really in my face right now.

    I don’t believe this man is a danger to me, yet, feeling into it, I know in my bones driving to his house isn’t right for me.



  118.  #118Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    ((((Beloved))))
    Sweet, innocent, vulnerable Siren…
    I feel confused…
    Going to this man’s house does NOT sound like
    Your powerful Siren self, at all???!!
    In my opinion this is not a very safe position to put yourself in…
    How very Smart to be worried about your Safety!!!
    I imagine most women are… I know I cherish and watch out for MY SAFETY as best i can
    Why would you do something like this if it is feeling so unsafe?
    I know I don’t go over to men’s homes, I don’t know very well, unless I know their friends or family…
    until the 4-6 date.
    What are your usual boundaries around number of dates etc.?



  119.  #119Liquid Light on December 20, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Beloved, I echo what Azure said. Your body is telling you not to go. Don’t do it, you’re not ready yet and your body knows.



  120.  #120Liquid Light on December 20, 2015 at 6:39 pm

    I have been absolutely consumed with my artwork. Like totally OBSESSED with it. My last day at work was Friday and all I can think is: Hallelujah, I get to do my art all day! woohoooo!

    I hope this feeling lasts because I haven’t been inspired in almost 3 years, since my devastating breakup.

    Speaking of which, I saw a Tesla turning in front of me the other day when I was driving. I love Teslas and as I glanced at the driver as the car turned in front of me, he looked just like my ex! I swear it could have been him. He lives 3 hours away so its highly unlikely but then I realized that I didn’t want it to be him and that I didn’t want to see him! I’m FREE!!!! woohoooo!!!

    Really feel ready for a new love in my life. Then MX called today and he is such a sweetheart. We’ve been out twice and I just allowed myself to be open to him and not judge him at all or have expectations when we were talking on the phone. And it was a great conversation. He really opened up about his kids (he’s a GREAT father) and his relationship with his ex-wife. I realized what a really good man he is. As well as very smart, fun, and accomplished

    And then on my last day at work, I sent a message to someone to say goodbye. I had told him it was my last day but we hadn’t had a chance to connect. I wished him well and good luck in 2016 in his new role (he got promoted). And then he texted back asking me if I’d like to get dinner and drinks sometime? I was floored, it was the last thing I expected. We had flirted a few months ago but nothing came of it. He dropped the ball back then and I figured he wasn’t interested. I guess you NEVER KNOW. He too is a nice sweet smart and successful man. And also good looking! 🙂

    woohoooo!!!!



  121.  #121Liquid Light on December 20, 2015 at 6:42 pm

    Azure, I am so happy for your with your CDing and all the masculine energy in your life pursuing you. You are such a siren!!! You go girl! I have a feeling that 2016 is going to be a great year for you!!! Big hugs to you!!!!



  122.  #122Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Liquid Light #116
    You sound Fantastic!!!
    I feel colorful balloons flying High…light hearted!!!

    It sounds like you have made a breakthrough in your heart aching break up!! I couldn’t be happier for YOU!!!

    opening your heart when talking to MX and sharing your goodbye and feelings with the man at work…
    2016 is looking might FINE for you too Siren!!!



  123.  #123BeLoved on December 20, 2015 at 6:59 pm

    Azure – I haven’t made it past a 2nd date with ANYONE since I’ve been back in the dating game!
    When I was playing around on Tinder I put it out there that I was looking for STRICTLY PLATONIC cuddle dates.
    So I met up with A, who took me to dinner then made a date for tomorrow at his place.
    In the meantime, I got really clear that I don’t want to cave in to how desperate I’ve been feeling for affection.



  124.  #124Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Liquid Light…
    thank you thank you thank you for those Wonderful, warmhearted words of encouragement… and HUGs!!
    Blushing now!! :-))



  125.  #125Azure Blu on December 20, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Beloved…
    would him coming to your house be safer?
    I know how wonderful it feels to just get hugs and cuddles when you haven’t had them in awhile!!
    When I first met Spirit, we would make out in his car, because it felt sooo good to have his big hard arms all around me, softly holding and kissing me!!!
    Ahhh… I better stop! I’m missing them now!! :-((



  126.  #126BeLoved on December 20, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Azure Blu – I would probably feel ok with that as far as safety goes, since I have 3 roomies. I feel shy and embarrassed because my bed is a twin-sized memory foam mattress on the floor. Despite living in a really nice house (many many thanks to TG for affordable rent and roommates), I am relatively poor. 🙁 Given that the house could sell at any time, I don’t feel ok with buying a bed for that and other reasons.

    The den downstairs that has a super comfy couch, has no privacy.

    I’m still open to suggestions, though, because geez I am an extremely sensual person and I feel so starved for affection.



  127.  #127Indigo on December 20, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    Beloved,

    I’m just going to throw this out there, and as always feel free to take it if it resonates and discard it if it doesn’t…

    I am also an affectionate, sensual person and I know that feeling of being “starved for affection” pretty well from a couple of years back. However, I have a theory that I have proved true in my own life that there is a lot of fear and insecurity underlying it, and that it is not a pure desire for just touch by another person. The more I dealt with my own fear and insecurity and became better at being strong and self-loving and self-soothing for myself, and becoming my own best friend and looking out for myself, and really just gently confronting everything that was coming up in me looking for attention, the more that “starved for affection” feeling waned to almost nothing. And at the same time being able to be open to healthy, SAFE, balanced affection that didn’t put my emotional or physical being at risk.

    I’m just saying – I realised that being driven by an intense NEED for human touch or by a feeling of being starved for affection was unhealthy for me. I want to be coming from a secure and balanced place with my relationships, so that I am better able to care for and look out for myself.



  128.  #128Victoria on December 21, 2015 at 5:12 am

    Azure Blue,
    You are a great inspiration, again.
    I kind of was in a situation that was similar to yours… I had to choose between someone with whom we had amazing chemistry but who was semi-reliable, and had financial troubles, and a man who is fully reliable, open, willing to initiate and to chase me, and is well off.
    And, when the semireliable man would not step up, the decision is not too difficult.
    Now the tricky part is that, as far as I know, semi-reliable men tend to always come back. They are semi-reliable in principle, to their current/other girlfriends as well, not only to us.
    Mine hangs around in the vicinity, looking to see whether I might get softer on the inside. As a matter of fact, I never told him how miserable I was when I was faced with his semi-reliability. I was always soft on the outside, kind, not criticizing, understanding, having a handy plan B be in case he would cancel on me. Sometimes I wonder did he understand that the reason I left him was his semi-reliablity. Either way, I have never come to regret this decision.



  129.  #129Tee on December 21, 2015 at 6:43 am

    #123 Indigo, that was beautiful



  130.  #130Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 7:05 am

    108 Azure Blue
    Thank you for sharing with me…It feels nice to know that I’m an inspiration 🙂
    Also i just feel weary of dating in general, so you’re an inspiration making it work with Spirit and not giving up.

    I am not working on leaning back with FarAwayCD which is my long distance guy who is not really even a CD I suppose.

    We have communicated by phone and now I haven’t heard form him for a while and I am so tempted to reach out. But i won’t.

    I feel forgotten lol but mostly its just a bit amusing…
    I don’t know how I’m going to change my life if I don’t change what I automatically want to do…
    Which is lean forward and then run away when things get sticky….lol I sound like a mess!

    It’s ok Emerson. I am feeling really grateful for my work and my job, but work isn’t everything. I don’t want to be one of those people who invests everything in their career and then has no one to spend time with on vacation and holidays….needless to say in retirement.

    i always pictured myself with lots of family around me which is ironic because I’m single with no kids and in my 40s. Sigh. I let life carry me where it wants instead of steering the ship. Little late to lear this, but, here I am.



  131.  #131Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Victoria #124
    Thank you, thoughtful Siren for those encouraging words…

    I was wondering what the differences were between old CD and new CD with you. :-))
    The New CD sounds VERY good!

    I keep going over in my head what I might say to him if i dont’ hear from him in a few days…

    But I have come to the conclusion (for now anyway)
    I have said this many times in the past year…
    There is NOTHING more to say…
    I am bored that he hasn’t fixed it…
    my intuition tells me there must be something else going on (another woman)…
    and YET he is angry because I mentioned i am dating others??
    Yes, Semi reliable! No I can’t let this go on any longer!
    No! there is nothing more I want to say!

    The way he does holidays suck!! meaning… him coming to MY family’s holiday party…
    I didn’t let him come last year (he mentioned going to his married daughters’ for Christmas Eve party and NOT inviting me – and yet invited himself to MY family get together)

    The way RM has invited me to multiple after Christmas events and meeting and hanging out with his daughter and her husband! All so open and sweet!
    This is what I have in mind!!
    Now I want to let go of the chaos from Spirit
    and embrace the calm, reliable, adoration from RM!!!
    Merry Christmas to ME!!! :*))



  132.  #132Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 7:48 am

    Indigo I love what you have shared with Beloved!!!
    so spot on!
    I love your writing
    and the thoughtful wise way you share with us here on Siren Island!
    Thank you!



  133.  #133Victoria on December 21, 2015 at 8:00 am

    Azure,
    Similar to you, I used to hate how my old CD did vacations and holidays.
    He was a lousy planner, not just with me, but with his whole life… At the same time, he was super hot, I think he just got spoilt from attention from women, and women did for him things that they would not do for anyone else. I certainly did. And I really enjoyed it at first, but then eventually I figured that I was mostly giving to get, and it was no longer fun.
    With regards to you and Spirit, it seems to me that there is another woman that his daughter knows about (i.e. she has been officially presented) and he does not want to be seen by his daughter as someone who is two-timing women.
    Either way, you have stood your ground brilliantly. And, it feels so much better when the man makes plans properly, and comes to you and asks “would you like to do so and so together”. I am so so relieved in my own life!
    Merry Christmas Azure,
    Merry Christmas Victoria!



  134.  #134Turquoise on December 21, 2015 at 9:02 am

    Hi Sirens!! I got to spend 17 hours with Someday from Friday night – late Saturday morning…. and it was wonderful. So comfortable, relaxed….. and the best birthday sex I could have imagined. I mean WOW! 42 started off great! 🙂

    Hope you are all well!



  135.  #135Indigo on December 21, 2015 at 9:37 am

    I love the holidays, and I love that so many of us are getting to spend quality time with our men <3



  136.  #136Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Victoria…
    interesting that your old CD was supper hot…
    So is Spirit… I mean the girls just flock to him…
    Sooo Yummie… before Rori I wouldnt have been able to handle his hotness
    but now I know how AMAZING and
    beautiful *I* am and
    love when My man gets attention and turns to me and holds me close and then goes home with ME!!! :-)) He makes me feel very desirable…

    After hearing a story here and there about all the things these women did for him I realized He if VERY used to women Giving to HIM All the TIME…
    and I imagine putting up with ALLL his unreliable ways!
    Yes Spoiled by the world!

    I met Spirit after I had been doing Rori for over a year so I knew not to Lean forward or give…
    He was very surprised about this and intrigued, I imagine.
    So, when I put my foot down and he finds out I am still CDing others (I never agreed to exclusivity)
    It’s Spirit bumping up against himself!! :-\

    How lucky we all are to be getting all this yummie, luscious, hot masculine energy coming our way!!
    Merry Christmas one and all!! :-))



  137.  #137IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    I love my shame, I love my emotional instability, I love my fear, I love my indecision, I love my caution, I love my crazy sex drive, I love that my sex drive is picky & willing to wait. I love my tiredness. & my newfound disease, because I am resilient & amazing in spite of it. It humbles me, gives me an incredible apprection for things that most might take for granted.



  138.  #138Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Turquoise
    Yes to WOW! hot birthday s*x!!!
    42 sounds Fabulous!!!



  139.  #139IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    It feels so good when people give me space. It feels lousy when it feels like someone is trying to control me.



  140.  #140IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    I wish I could talk to him, because we share that same fear. It’s identical.

    I wasn’t trying to control him. I just needed words in order to feel safe.

    I’m just a girl, & girls need words to feel safe sometimes.

    & I did really stupid, immature things because I was blinded by fear & anger.

    & I’m getting so much attention from men, & while of course I like it, there’s another part of me that just wants to scream, “BACK OFF, I NEED SPACE RIGHT NOW, I DON’T WANT ANYONE EXCEPT SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS RIGHT NOW!!!”



  141.  #141Lovergirl on December 21, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    So last night I was feeling upset with RadioCD. I tried very hard to use “I feel” messages, rather than blaming him for anything or saying “you” and you know what his response to that was? He said that he’s sorry I think everything is about me and sarcastically said he’ll be sure to take my feelings into account before his own in the future.

    I had a similar response from a guy before (before I found out about Rori’s stuff, but I have a psych degree so I was familiar with using “I statements” so as not to put the blame on others). That guy called me a narcissist because he said I was making everything about me!! Lol

    How do you deal with that? Then what do you say?



  142.  #142IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Maybe something like, I like you, and it would feel amazing if we really understood each other. Now that you CLEARLY know how I feel, what do you think? & maybe giggle or talk about your embarrassment or your confusion or your frustration or your anger or whatever is coming up for you?

    Which is all about you, lol. 🙂

    I’m sharing all about my feelings because I feel so curious about your thoughts and want you to feel safe and comfortable sharing your own thoughts. What do you think?



  143.  #143Lovergirl on December 21, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Dixie 64-

    Thank you and yes, I feel like Millioniare Man is DEFINITELY helping me get over S. He’s married but that actually makes him more of a “safe” person for me to practice on. I know that I really have no chance of turning this into anything “real” so if I fail its not such a big deal.

    I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man that is as masculine as Millionaire either. He’s like the extreme definition of “manly” haha. It’s kind of fascinating to me, like I just want to poke him and see what happens kind of interesting, lol.

    He’s very giving so in that I get to practice being on the receiving end of things more. He’s also pretty distant between meets for awhile so I get to practice leaning back and not stressing out. Practice makes perfect, right?



  144.  #144Lovergirl on December 21, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I want to throw out an experience I had the other night-

    I went on a date with this guy who is an Executive Chef at one of the big casinos in town. He moved here several months ago but also worked in New York and Washington DC. He was annoying me a bit over text at first, seeming a little pushy but when we talked on the phone he was funny and nice. He teased me a little bit about what I was cooking for my kids that night because it involved steamed broccoli with cheese sauce in a bag. It admittedly was kind of gross but I though I would try it, lol and its not like kids really appreciate the hard work you put into making everything from scratch anyway.

    So we went on our date, starting at one of the most expensive seafood restaurants in town. We didn’t have a meal there though, just drinks at the bar. Then it was closing so we moved to a jazz club down the street and had some more drinks.

    The whole date was fun. He was entertaining and we were relaxed but not “drunk”. He did ask a lot of questions about the guys I had met off dating sites and where are they now, was I seeing anyone, what were their names, pretty nosy. I was a bit evasive but he pressed a lot.

    Then, while we were out, he Facebook requested me. He had found my last name and found me somehow. Mildly alarming? He said it was to show me he is who he says he is (he’s got pics of himself with his various food creations at different restaurants and at events with his co-workers).

    Then afterwards he walked with me out to the parking lot and wanted me to get in his car to talk because it was cold. Only in there, he started to get kind of aggressive. I did not have sex with him but I was actually scared I was going to get raped. He was like forcefully pulling off my clothes and not listening when I repeatedly told him no. He finally backed off because I made it super clear I did NOT want to do anything with him.

    When I was driving home he texted and called and left a message, apologizing. He said that he was just so turned on that he let it get a little out of control. He asked me to forgive him and go out with him again.

    I wasn’t sure and I said maybe, but I have kind of blown him off since then. Would you even entertain giving him a second chance? I don’t think he’d make the same mistake again?



  145.  #145IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Lovergirl – I’ve read that super masculine men are always “in control” of themselves. That’s what masculine men do…they take charge, they take control.

    so, for him to say, “he lost control” would be for him to say that he wasn’t in control of himself, which in my eyes, makes him look like a pretty weak man.

    Someone who is trying to control you is not a strong person.

    Hmm. Seeing a theme in my own life, here.



  146.  #146IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    It’s exhausting trying to figure out if a person is a “good person” or a “bad person.” You should just…know…



  147.  #147IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    & of course no one is “all good” or “all bad.” But consistent? Dependable? Reliable? These are qualities you can count on…



  148.  #148IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    I seriously thought I was over him. It’s not difficult to not think about him. I don’t even know him that well. But then I get in a fight with my Mom and I feel like he’s the only person in the universe who would understand.



  149.  #149IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    I feel so sad and small. I feel scared and I feel like running away, but I also feel like running TO someone big and strong, and just letting them hold me, knowing they understand me.

    but it’s such a process getting to that place of feeling known and understood.

    I feel like I’ve come so close to having it, but that I’ve never had it in human form. & it’s what I need and want so much…



  150.  #150IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    We have a lot of the same weaknesses. but a lot of different strengths.

    He just makes me feel understood.

    Do you know how RARE it is that I feel so deeply understood?

    I feel angry that I don’t feel understood more often!



  151.  #151IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    I want to cry and it’s like I can’t. Here I am, in this place of emotional stopped up-ness. & this is NOT hormonal!



  152.  #152IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    I HATE not feeling understood!!!!! It feels lonely and lousy!!!!



  153.  #153IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    How do you tell guys that want to date you that you’re STILL SO FREAKING HUNG UP on somebody else that you can’t even like, SEE them?

    This guy is SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN ME and he bought me a beautiful gift and I wear it often.

    But I’m like, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? & I haven’t seen him since he gave it to me…like three weeks ago! and he gave it to me THROUGH someone else!!!

    LIKE WHAT tHE HECK



  154.  #154IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    I’m tired of younger men hitting on me!!!!!!!!!!
    (well, part of me is, but…)

    I JUST FEEL ALL FRUSTRATED



  155.  #155Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    IamHis,
    I feel sad that you are feeling so frustrated and confused!!
    This is just me… but if a man gave me a gift through someone else and I hadn’t heard from him since…
    It would feel very imaginary…
    For me that would be the opposite of masculine…
    You are a Siren and deserve a man who can walk up to you and give you a gift…
    When I can’t forget about a man
    I sometime push myself to go ahead and go on a few dates to break the cycle of thinking too much about him…



  156.  #156Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    IamHis #138
    Wow!! i think these are great Script ideas you gave for Lovergirl!!



  157.  #157Azure Blu on December 21, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    Lovergirl #140
    Ohhh… no!! that sounds mighty pushy… that it took him so long to take no for an answer!

    I’m glad he apologized…. I guess you could try and give him another date… just not get in the car with him!

    So interesting about RadioCD and feeling messages…
    I’ve never had anyone react that way…
    I think IamHis gave you some good ideas about what might help him understand…
    even use some of what you said… that you have a psych degree and you learned that using I statements during a discussion is important to keep from blaming each other and makes it easier for the other person to hear.



  158.  #158IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Azure, thank you. You are making me feel more sane, lol. 🙂



  159.  #159IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    The thing is, all these feelings are “normal.” But I don’t feel like they are accepted in my “real life.” I also have no idea how long this whole process of healing is supposed to take.

    but right now, I just feel angry that I’m having to go through it.

    Being grabbed by someone I cared about. Having to quit my job because he refused to even have the decency of an honest conversation. That’s all I wanted.

    that’s all I needed in order to feel safe.

    WHAT A DICK.

    & I get in a fight with someone else and I miss HIM, because I feel like he’s the only one who’ll understand?

    UGGGGGGG.



  160.  #160Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    Lovergirl
    I vote no for a second date because a few things about this Chef Man seem “off”…I really don’t like how he found you on Facebook and was pressing about men you’re dating (none of his business by the way)….

    ….and I believe Rori or Dominique or both advise that its the siren who says “I feel uncomfortable discussing my dating life with a man” or something to that effect…
    and we can say “i feel uncomfortable discussing that,,,”

    It’s hard in the moment to say those things!!!!
    …I’ve had times where I’ve had the courage to say it and times I have not and just avoided or found myself caught off guard and actually answering questions I would prefer not to…nosy nosy nosy!!

    I feel a red flag vibe from this man and it seems a little staged that he asked you to get in his car and then proceeded to be marginally assaultive toward you. Definitely disrespectful. I feel protective of you.

    It reminds me of the other night with my date and how he didn’t want the night to end and was literally hanging into my car window while I had the car in reverse…he kept trying to convince me to continue the date. As we were walking to my car there was a point where he was being marginally (physically) forceful (jokingly) and I didn’t like it. At all. He wants to see me again but i am not interested. At all.



  161.  #161Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    You know it just felt so disrespectful that my date wouldn’t let me leave gracefully and was begging to continue the night…it was late almost 11…so it’s not like I ended the date at 8 pm and even if I had, so what?
    He had seemed like a gentleman before that but after his antics that all went out the window and I lost respect for him completely.



  162.  #162IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    I feel. So triggered. There has to be good men out there. I know there WERE, but they all married young like good Christian boys “should and do.”



  163.  #163Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    On another note sirens I have a job offer that I have been hemming and hawing about but I think I will accept it after all.

    I need a raise and this is a way to get it. It is a change of course in the way my career is heading for me but it’s ok. It just fell into my lap and this company has been really pursuing me. It feels good to be wanted and this job will be a new challenge for me which is what I think I need right now.



  164.  #164IamHis on December 21, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    *to be pursued by a company*

    Oh, I feel jealous! (in a good way…)



  165.  #165Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    158 IamHis
    I hear what you’re saying. I feel that way too sometimes its’ funny you mention it that way!!!!

    I know there are good men out there….
    And by the way some good christian boys who got married young like they “should” and they are not happy in their marriages. I only say that not to be grim, but to remind myself that marrying “young” is not always the best for every person.

    Some people need time to get to know themselves and know who they want to be
    ….and who they want to be with.

    And they are still good catches.
    And maybe they’ve been married and divorced. Or maybe they’ve never been married.

    There are many different stories and walks of life. I have faith there are still “good ones” available.

    I believe it was FW or SLV that had some really wise words about this once when I was feeling worried that all the “good ones” were taken….



  166.  #166Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    It goes against all my morals and I would never pursue it, but I got a missed call and a message from WorkCrush from my last job which by the way he is married…
    And I never returned the call.
    I won’t now or in the future.
    I felt generally unaffected but for a moment i felt furious that he would call me. I really like him a lot and I feel very attracted to him and I know he feels the same around me.
    In my last job I started to avoid him so I wouldn’t be tempted because I felt like we would end up kissing or something…we had a magnetic attraction which I know is natural it just doesn’t have to be acted upon.
    I handled it fine while I was there once I got a grip on myself, and now I am not around him so I kind of forgot.
    When I got his call I felt a longing for him and then realized I need to remain open to other men, not him, and channel that feeling toward someone else.
    I know I’m rambling, but just wanted to dump this out as my feelings are very strong about it….and I need to let it go.



  167.  #167BeLoved on December 21, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    Indigo – I appreciate what you share here and what you say doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with me.
    Touch is a *need* for me, and I feel starved and desperate for it at times the way I feel starved and desperate for food when I haven’t eaten for a day or so. I don’t consider it a symptom of underlying fear or insecurity.
    I’ve lived in a touch-positive community before and had cuddle partners almost like we have CD’s, only, we all had clear agreements and actually had boundary training for cuddling so there was no confusion and expectations were clear.

    Since there isn’t a pre-existing group or structure for this as far as I know anywhere near me, I’ve been experimenting with creating something myself.

    I just remembered, though, that there is a company here that provides cuddling services and maybe it is time to apply with them to become a paid, professional cuddler. 😀

    As for the date, it was much ado about nothing – last I heard from him on Saturday was that we could chat more “tomorrow” and not a peep since.

    So I made brownies for my co-workers and roomies, and am planning on getting in some exercise tonight which will feel super good.



  168.  #168Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    (((Beloved)))
    Ah I know that ‘starved’ feeling very well…
    I am very affectionate…I really miss having someone to cuddle with…
    I feel curious about your cuddle profession. Ive heard about it and find it fascinating. Not sure I’d be brave enough to try it myself though!



  169.  #169Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 6:14 pm

    132 Azure Blu
    I loved reading this entry…you really inspire me to lean back…
    It inspired me to stop, breathe and lean back….

    I am feeling so close to reaching out to my long distance CD whom I will not name yet…as I have never met him in person but we have been in correspondence for about two years off and on…..



  170.  #170Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    124 Victoria
    Ah yes the semi reliable…hot chemistry type….yes I know it well…I had one called REcycledCD and he always tried to stay on my radar somewhat…
    And sometimes succeeded sometimes not….
    It feels comforting that he not only was semi reliable to me but to the “others” as well…sounds horrible maybe to say that….but I always pictured myself at a disadvantage and wondering about other girls he’s with when in reality he probably wasn’t “there” for them either….
    and now I just don’t care.

    I



  171.  #171Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    I will say on another note, that it is difficult for me to be engulfed with work and so many hours on the job…while still keeping other areas of my life in order…

    I’ve been working so much that I’ve neglected my health and fitness, and I’ve neglected my financial discipline!

    I need some days off to focus on these things and I just haven’t had it for months and months until today, and it’s so apparent that i’ve been lacking. I feel inspired to start anew with both areas.



  172.  #172Zia on December 21, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Lovergirl #140 – you know… in the past (couple of years ago past) I may have given that chef another chance. But now? Nope. I now know there are decent men out there who would not do that – “i lost control” is NOT an excuse. And to me that sounds like something he might make an excuse for down the track perhaps for anger, bad temper, unwanted advances, all those things. If it were me, I’d go “yep, that was an experience” and move on.



  173.  #173Zia on December 21, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Lovergirl – also, to me it sounds awfully like victim blaming. “I lost control because you’re so attractive”? No buddy. That’s not ok.



  174.  #174Liquid Light on December 21, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    Today on my flight out of town to see my family I was delayed by several hours. I ended up texting MX to see if he would want to meet me at the airport for a cup of coffee (kinda kidding) and he said yes! Anyway, he swung by and picked me up and we went out for a cuppa joe which was really nice. We chatted and got to know each other a bit more. But then when the check came I offered to pay it (because it was my idea to go out for coffee and I felt like he was doing me a favor) but I didn’t really want him to take me up on it. He got the check but then joked that I could get the next one that will be more expensive (or something to that affect.) It really bugged me and threw me off a bit for the rest of the time together. Obviously I shouldn’t have said that but now I’m feeling a bit weird about it. Also he didn’t open the car door for me or put my coat on/off. I really like it when they do that. Sigh.



  175.  #175Emerson on December 21, 2015 at 9:34 pm

    170 Liquid Light
    Don’t beat yourself up and try to let it go. Nice that he met you for coffee but I feel confused that you said he is doing you a favor.
    You are a beautiful siren and he’s getting to enjoy your company!
    I’ve offered to pay for things in the past with men and then regretted it. Just chalk it up to a lesson for myself as a learning experience what feels bad/good in relation to masculine and feminine energy….
    and becoming more aware of the two energies in myself…



  176.  #176Indigo on December 21, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    Liquid Light,

    I have had a couple of guys in the past joke about me “getting the next one” when they have paid the bill. At first it bugged me and I didn’t know how to take it, but now I have relaxed about it as I find more often than not they are absolutely not serious about it and prefer to be the ones paying. I usually just smile and thank him. Remember guys say all kinds of weird and funny things, and unless it is offensive, it’s often a good idea to let it go.



  177.  #177Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 7:02 am

    Emerson #166
    Yes, I have no doubt
    that Spirit treats everyone in his life the same…
    more and more i can see the extreme self centered, narcissist that he is…
    of course, he is much like my extremely narcissistic mother… (who was also VERY beautiful when she was young)

    I continually think i am choosing better…
    but here it is again!
    wellll… at least I can see it more and more clearly as i
    have healed ME…
    love my boundaries and know what I want in a relationship and partner!

    Spirit texted last night… apologized for not being in contact for 2 days… talked about things going terribly wrong with E… his daughter…
    and then wanted to talk about the cities big fb game.

    I ignored him… I’m not going to break up during the holidays…
    but I am leaning back and out.
    But I can feel the sadness of another boy friend NOT working…
    feeling weary to start another journey
    of getting to know someone and letting them into my,
    too many times disappointed, heart!

    I will love my disappointed heart, I will cuddle and sooth her weariness…
    She deserves all of my gentle kindness!



  178.  #178Victoria on December 22, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Azure, Emerson,
    I too am sure that my ex, F., used to treat everyone semi-reliably, in fact I suspect that he has treated me better that any other girlfriend he had.
    Still, it was semi-reliable, and below my standards. Still, I put up with it for almost 4 years. Urgh. Never, never again. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want anything with him. He keeps calling and hoping I will soften up, but I won’t. Urrrrrgh.



  179.  #179Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Victoria #174
    Ahhh… the arrogant persistence of the self absorbed!
    So familiar with getting their way…

    I’m so glad to hear you are standing YOUR ground with F and loving YOU, Victoria!!
    New Cd is sounding so much better…

    how were you able to let go of the Chaos that F brought to the relationship? Was that part of the “hook” he had for you?



  180.  #180Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 9:05 am

    Liquid Light #170
    Ahhh… what a great thing to give MX the opportunity to spend fun times with you!!

    I have learned, I always focus on the negative!!!
    I have been trying, with the help of the Sirens, and friends, to ONLY look at all the Great things that happened during each date!

    He came to meet YOU!!! How romantic that he came on a last minute notice!!!
    As you mentioned, you had a chance to learn a little bit more about each other… and HE can be spontanious when YOU Ask!

    I too struggle with paying, them paying who pays…
    I’m sure they do too!!

    I think it was a nice gesture that you did pay
    and as others have indicated… Let the comment he made about you can get the next one…
    fade from your sweet feminine memory!!!



  181.  #181Femininewoman on December 22, 2015 at 10:25 am

    “Lost control”?? Really. A man who is trying to make an impression on a woman would never make that mistake. If it is a mistake at all, which I doubt very much.

    Any man who is not on his best behavior knows he isn’t. They work to impress women. Give him a second chance and he knows you will accept the worst behavior.

    Read your own words “annoying me over text”. “Expensive restaurant” but no meal. “Found my last name and found me somehow” “Scared I was going to get raped”. So many red flags in your own words this is not a gentleman and likely a stalker.

    Entertain giving him a second chance and you can’t blame him when he gets worse. He showed you up front what he is capable of doing and you’d be telling him game him when you entertain him again.



  182.  #182Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 10:34 am

    FeminineWoman #177
    I think these are allllll really good points!
    Also… he didn’t buy her dinner but continued to buy her drinks… most likely hoping it would lower her inhibitions!!
    Yes, this man does sound REALLy manipulative, it did sound scary to me when he all of a sudden wanted to be her friend on FB…
    But I’ve had men do that and I simply tell them I don’t friend very many people… especially men I have just met!
    I take back my first comment of giving him a second chance…
    All the men Lovergirl meets…
    there is no reason for her to give this man a second chance!



  183.  #183Liquid Light on December 22, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Azure,

    Yes, that is such a good point – I always focus on the negative too! Its a very hard habit to break but I really want to focus on the positive so thank you so much for the reminder! There is so much to be positive about…I don’t want to waste time focusing on the negative! It really was so nice of him to swing by and take me out. I had 4 hours to kill in the airport so he really made the time fly by and so much more enjoyable! He’s a very smart man and fun to talk to so it really was nice to hang out with him. Big hugs to you! I’m sure you will figure things out with Spirit. I wish you luck whichever way you decide to go. Either man would be so lucky to have you, beautiful Siren! 🙂

    Indigo, thank you so much for your suggestion about ignoring his comment…that is exactly what I will do! 🙂 Excellent suggestion!

    Emerson, I was so touched and happy that he could meet me spontaneously. He left work to meet me. It really was very sweet! I guess I felt a bit odd about it because I was the one that suggested it. Normally I don’t think twice about being taken out when the man is the one inviting. Maybe I’m just not comfortable with inviting a man out and should just avoid it in the future.



  184.  #184Femininewoman on December 22, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Azure as far as I am concerned it is one thing when I give a man my last name and he finds me on facebook. It is totally something else when “He had found my last name and found me somehow. Mildly alarming?” Ask any man and see what he’d say. I guarantee even my teenage daughter would call this behavior stalking and creepy.



  185.  #185Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 11:47 am

    FW #180
    Yep!! Me too!



  186.  #186Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Liquid Light #179
    I know I always need reminding…

    Have you text him some of what you wrote here…

    “It felt so good to have you meet me. Your warm laughter made the time fly by!!”

    I have also found that men love it when we show them a bit of enthusiasm… so they know We too are interested!
    It is a good reminder for me to do more reaching out with RM… as He Is vERY enthusiastic and I am vERY leaned back… I think i’ll text him now!

    Thank you lovely Siren for those heart warming hugs and your good luck! :-))
    My heart needed those words to bolster me forward!!



  187.  #187Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Sirens I just got a text from Spirit
    and I texted him back!!
    I had to share…
    he text me that he’s sorry he hasn’t been hearing from me but that he’s got a very bad case of the Christmas funk feeling depressed and his sales are way down.

    I textd back and said…
    I am sorry to hear that…
    You are expecting me to go to a new level of loving and caring about you
    but I can’t do that unless you let me in.
    You’re not wrong and I’m not wrong
    that’s just where we are right now.

    What do you think?



  188.  #188Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    EMerson #159
    Congratulations on being persued for a new job!!!
    and MORE MONEY!!!
    Sounds like a perfect way to start the holidays and new years off!!!



  189.  #189Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    Liquid L
    Have a great time with your family this Christmas!
    May Love and Joy come to yOU!!



  190.  #190Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Emerson #162
    Good for you!!! Yes, feeling that amazing attraction adn then knowing he’s married!! Ugghh…
    I remember you sharing the journey here on Siren Island.
    Always nice to know they are still thinking about your irresistible, hot Siren self!! ;0)

    I love your thoughts here:
    “When I got his call I felt a longing for him
    and then realized I need to remain open to other men,
    not him,
    and channel that feeling toward someone else.”



  191.  #191Azure Blu on December 22, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Beloved #132
    A Paid, Professional cuddler? Wow!!!
    I hadn’t heard about that… sounds like a much needed service!

    Sorry you didn’t hear back from a cuddle potential!!
    :-\



  192.  #192Flower on December 22, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Hello ladies,
    I’m so glad I found this thread at the right moment…
    I’ve been looking for answers to a lot of questions for the past nearly 3 years, after separating from my husband of 13 years.
    That is why I found Rori and other therapists and other inspiring and lovely women.
    But I’m still struggling so much with the masculine/feminine energy stuff…
    I’ve just recently realized that I’ve always been wanting to be JUST a girl… I’ve wanted to be a mother and a woman in my marriage, and I wanted my man to be the provider. It didn’t work in the sense that he was feeling resentful and burdened and like it was too much and at the same time I didn’t like where he was taking us all (me and 2 kids). He was irresponsible with money, did the absolute minimum around the house, and basically it felt like I had a rebellious teenager on my hands. Putting me down, name calling, controlling through money, devaluing whatever I did around the house and the children…I felt awful about myself and like I was in a cage.
    I finally decided I’d had enough and separated from him and decided to take the control of my life back from him…So that would be my masculine energy taking over…
    And now I have to be both man and woman and am not very good at balancing those energies.
    I either overdo the “doing” and then get exhausted or I allow my “girl” to call the shots for too long, going too deep into my emotions, feeling sorry for myself, waiting for stuff to happen, waiting for answers… Letting time slip by.
    What worries me is that by being BOTH the girl and the boy in my life, I don’t particularly need another man to take care of me, right?
    After all, I know best what I want and what satisfies me and so why bother with another guy who sooner or later will disappoint me anyway? Like there is no room for both my inner guy and an external guy.That is why I don’t really understand the concept of attracting an external man who will be like my internal one.
    Besides, I am really wary of guys…
    After I separated from the emotionally abusive and controlling husband I met a guy who is married… And my self esteem was so low that I fell for him even though I knew he had a wife from the moment we met.
    In hindsight I realize that he DID lead me to believe he was thinking of leaving his wife and that is why i stuck with him for about 8 months (in the HOPE that he will be free soon), especially that the s*x was simply amazing and he treated me really well…
    In the beginning, that is.
    After those 8 months I realized I’d invested myself emotionally in a guy who probably would never commit to me and wanted out. I’d tried breaking up with him 15 times – and going back – before I finally did it.
    His behaviour stopped making sense to me a long time ago and – again, looking for answers – I discovered that he, too, was a Narcissist like my estranged husband.
    As I was reading through all the Red Flags that I totally missed or ignored, I felt a shiver down my spine…
    Everything made sense all of a sudden.
    Lovebombing in the very beginning that felt too good to be true to lure me in, listening to me intently so that he could figure out how to present himself as my ideal man, then after I was hooked up on him, slowly devaluing me, so that I felt I was going crazy, but still giving me enough time and attention to keep me in the loop, and then finally discarding me as if I never mattered at all, then reappearing after a few months and telling me he actually loved me (for the 1st time!) and wanted to be with me and I was too short sighted to see it!
    He basically made it my fault, even though HE is the one who is married.OK, I still am as well, technically, but I’m officially separated and not intending to go back to my ex, and certainly not sleeping with him – just co parenting.
    So now the whole thing that worries me about being open and vulnerable with a man is that Narcissists are such fantastic manipulators that it may take a lot of time for other people to see behind the different masks they wear… It makes me want to protect myself and my heart at all costs now.
    I know from experience that they are very skilled at pretending and can fake anything, INCLUDING love, to get the love and attention they so crave, but they can neither love nor receive love at all.
    I don’t know how to protect myself from them in future…
    I’m afraid to let my guard down for fear another one is going to gather information about me in order to get close to me, lure me in, and then discard me.
    I’m afraid to let my feelings be known because every time I tried sharing my feelings with my lover, he came back to me as if drawn by a magnet.. Only to hurt me more and then say he was sorry and never intended to hurt me and just wanted to be friends…
    and then I would share more of my feelings and so on. I realize now that this was about control of my emotions. Now if he contacts me I just write a sentence or 2, always saying thanks for contacting me but I’m not interested, and of course he disappears again (no more benefits).
    But the whole thing has made me want to crawl deep inside a hole and hibernate.
    The safest option right now seems to be to keep my cards close to my chest. I keep thinking all guys are narcs and even though this may not be true, I seem to be able to attract them easily. I don’t even want to CD at the moment, I feel so used and broken.
    And at the same time, I WANT and need this deep connection with a man…
    But I’m afraid of being used again and by attracting the same kind of guy twice I’m scared I’m somehow fundamentally flawed… I’m scared of being vulnerable because in the past, guys used my vulnerability against me.
    What do i do?
    Love and light,
    Flower



  193.  #193Emerson on December 22, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    I’ve been listening to classical music when I get home and it feels nice. It’s something different for me.



  194.  #194BeLoved on December 22, 2015 at 8:43 pm

    Azure Blu –
    Ohh, I feel so curious how Spirit will respond!!

    As far as professional cuddling, ha, yes, it’s fun to think about and…will I do it? I don’t know…I haven’t decided one way or the other for the moment.

    I appreciate your sweetness about the CD and, no worries, I have a handful of other Tinder conversations going that feel a lot lighter and breezier, things with that guy just felt REAL INTENSE REAL FAST and I shifted my profile back from “cuddle dates” to “looking for something real”. So far they have all claimed to be single, and looking for a potential relationship not a booty call and seeeeem to be acting accordingly.

    I realized today, that I felt about getting some standards and having some integrity is sort of turning out like things did when I lost weight and got very strong and fit for a while. I thought more people would flock to me, but in reality, my then-bf and closest “friends” all felt threatened and pulled away, they got very cold with me. I didn’t know any better then, and I became very insecure and ended up gaining back the weight.

    Now that I’m more confident and have higher standards and more integrity, I thought I would be “more popular” and more people would just flock to me..but the opposite has been true, at least at work. At first I was taking it personally, but today after a good cry, I realized that the men I work most closely with for most of the time, have serious issues. At least 3 of the 4 are certifiably personality disordered, and there’s no reason for me to absorb all the funky feelings going around.



  195.  #195Victoria on December 23, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Azure 183,
    Wow. That was very brave of you to send that text. If I were in your shoes, I would be so tempted to turn into mothering mode and want to do something nice for the man to make up for his depression. Brava.
    Now, of course I have no idea how he will respond, and I am very curious.
    I am shying away from authentic conversations. I am not ready for those yet. I mean, the way I deal with difficult topics right now, is I avoid them. I have figured that men really do not respond well to words, but they respond to no contact. I guess they would also respond really well to the right words (feeling messages may be) but when in doubt I just lean back/move away.
    Azure,
    you asked me was it the chaos that F. brought that had me hooked. I think a large part of the hook was the physical attraction, he simply is hands down the most attractive man I have ever dated, and was as such may be slightly out of my league. Also, he talked to me in a way that no man talked to me before – he said I was the most beautiful woman on earth, the smartest person he ever met, the love of his life, his Goddess. All the things I wanted to hear. When you couple these words with semireliabilty, it is a deadly combination. He always had an excuse (sometimes a valid one sometimes a ridiculous one) when he cancelled or was late. He was extrermely narcisstic and truly believed that the world rotates around him. Yes, I have my share of helping him solidify this belief.
    A part of me wants to forget him, but another part hangs on the memories, and loves the memories. It was a dramatic and stressful relationship, and a part of me misses the overfunctioning.
    How are things with RM by the way?



  196.  #196Azure Blu on December 23, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Victoria #190
    Lovely Siren thank you again for those words of comfort and encouragement!!!
    It is VERY brave of me… :-))

    Ahhh… yes the mothering and doing…
    Me too…
    He probably doesn’t realize it
    but that is what he does to get attention
    and to avoid talking about what the real issue is.

    In the past I WOULD say… “I’m sooo sorry,
    I know Holidays can be stressful. You’re just getting started with your job… Come over I have wine and we can watch a movie..”

    BUT… I know how UNCOMFORTABLE I am right now
    with loving or caring about him, more than I already do, without being in HIS LIFE!!!
    I NOW HONOR those feelings MORE than
    the need to control HIM or MAKE HIM CHANGE!!!

    My CHOICES are to stay and continue this INSANITY
    OR walk away (Ahhh… ME loving ME)
    and try and embrace less CHAOS, More open acceptance from a man who is showing me a new level of emotional intimacy!!!
    YES!!! I want THAT!!!



  197.  #197Indigo on December 23, 2015 at 8:36 am

    What do you Sirens think about a man who opens up really slowly?

    He opens up, but he just does it really slowly. To be honest, I don’t think Bush Boy is used to opening up. He is used to being the hero and saving the world and getting things done. It’s so sexy. I don’t think he’s had many relationships in the past. Hasn’t had time, pretty introverted, used to focusing on his work and his guy activities.

    He was really gentle and tender on Saturday. Adoring. More so and more open than ever before. And now I don’t know. He has gone back to saving the world and I realise that he opens up so slowly!



  198.  #198Azure Blu on December 23, 2015 at 8:38 am

    Victoria #190
    I would give you a challenge…

    Why not PRACTICE on F sharing what REALLY happened for YOU!!!
    YOU”RE not invested now
    as to whether or not it will work with him!!

    It’s the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY for you to learn
    to LOVE YOUR VOICE, LOVE YOUR FEELINGS,
    HONOR what you felt…
    and it mostly happens when you share this
    with a man who you were close to!
    Not for getting BACK with HIM –
    But for YOUR FREE THERAPY of
    learning to be vulnerable and authentic…
    A Christmas present to you to open up a path
    to Deeper and warmer LOVE FOR VICTORIA!!!

    Imagine how being warm and authentic will bring the New CD even closer…
    How it will change the old dynamic
    that you set up every time – overtime- to be disappointed and betrayed…
    For the LOVE OF VICTORIA
    try this…

    It’s About being AUTHENTIC (which opens the door to MORE connection with your man and MORE LOVE and ACCEPTANCE from YOU for YOURSELF)

    I Learned this 2 years ago from a comment that FeminineWoman made to me.

    I had gotten in disagreement with an exclusive bf
    and had only gotten a couple of text back and forth for 5 weeks…
    FINALLY he agreed to talk on the phone and
    I was SOOO p*ssed by this time I was just going to walk away!!!!!*^#@
    I shared that here, on Siren Island, and FW
    admonished me to PRACTICE sharing what I was
    REALLY FEELING (being Vulnerable & Authentic)

    it was one of the BIGGEST breakthroughs of MY LIFE!!

    I practiced my Script… over and over…
    He even cancelled our first phone meeting
    But for MY SAKE I set up another time
    It was the FIRST time I was able to use Feeling messages about something I had sooo much feelings about,
    Ask HIM questions and have an open conversation.

    I shared allll the things I liked about our relationship
    Some of the issues that scared or I was concerned about.

    We went out on a date but he was still using his $$ like a sledge hammer… angry and mean…
    So I let him go…
    But it BROKE my pattern of bottling my feelings up
    and NEVER letting ANYONE in!!!

    Thank you FeminineWoman… I’ll never forget your thoughtful admonishing for *ME* loving *ME*!!!



  199.  #199Dixie on December 23, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Sirens,

    I’m feeling a bit anxious today and reading this thread makes me feel better…..

    Christmas is is two days. After D.s terse message over a month ago….. Nothing. No explanation. Just gone.

    I’ve been taking care of myself and honestly, am doing better than if this happened a year ago, but with Christmas so near, this silence feels sad. Part of me is full of love and gratitude for every moment, part of me feels loss, and part of me feels embarrassed, as if I’ve been “played”. (I know this last feeling is really an old insecurity popping up.)

    Anyhow, I’m glad you sirens are here. This is my favourite season of all, and although I understand and accept the lonely feelings that pop up, I am SO wonderfully grateful for all of you.

    Xx.



  200.  #200Azure Blu on December 23, 2015 at 11:46 am

    ((((Dixie))))
    Wow cant believe it’s been a month since you heard from D.
    I know leaning back causes anxiety…
    Hang in there… Hope you have family and friends to distract you…
    You are very brave and taking care of YOU, by NOT contacting D, is the BEST christmas present you can give to YOU!!!
    I agree, Siren Island is such a blessing
    a source of True inspiration
    and support!!
    i’m so glad you find it so! We LOVE hearing your
    lovely melody as you share with us your AMAZING, Siren journey!! A true inspiration!
    oxoxo



  201.  #201Dixie on December 23, 2015 at 2:12 pm

    Ohh ((Azure Blu))

    Thank you so much for your kind words…and yes, I am surrounded by a big large loving family so I’m snuggling myself into their arms this Christmas….

    I made a point to host a few brunches too, and am making sure my Inner Boy is taking care of me. That help a lot because my Inner Girl wants to curl up and cry at moments.

    Yes, it’s been a full month and it feels so confusing. The last in person conversation he ended by saying he loved me. Then…. This.

    Today I had a workmate over for brunch and we brainstormed a humanitarian project we’re working out and honestly, in the past, I loved feeling supported by D. At its best, it felt like we were a team. As Indigo mentioned about Bush Boy, it took D a while to open up but when he did, ohhhh, it was the sweetest, most incredible feeling…safe and protected and totally cherished.

    I’m taking myself out to work out with some friends, then will stop by to see my parents (they celebrated 45 years together yesterday!)

    Thank you dear Azure – I felt so comforted by your comments.



  202.  #202Femininewoman on December 23, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    The slower a person opens up the longer the time one can spend savoring the rich flavor when it gets expelled in glorious pufflike fragrance.



  203.  #203Emerson on December 23, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    39 (((beloved)))



  204.  #204Lovergirl on December 29, 2015 at 8:11 am

    Azure and Femininewoman- I meant to get to this earlier, but I agree and you all are right that I should not see this man (the Chef) again. I just don’t feel safe or good about it. I fear that he would turn out to be abusive in some way. His behavior was a huge red flag.



  205.  #205Lovergirl on December 29, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Zia- 170, 171-

    Yes, yes. You are right. This man does not deserve a second chance. I still haven’t deleted him from my Facebook but I probably will eventually. I just don’t feel comfortable with him and there is no way I’m letting him take me out again.



  206.  #206Lovergirl on December 29, 2015 at 8:16 am

    Emerson- 158- I like that “I feel uncomfortable discussing this with you”. I should have said something to that effect. I just felt pressure and was like “why do you want to know” and trying to dodge the questions until he finally got info out of me. Sometimes its hard in the moment to think of how to respond to someone.



  207.  #207Lovergirl on December 29, 2015 at 8:26 am

    Azure 109-

    I am not sure if I will confront MM that I know about his being married. I am undecided on that still. I guess I will just see how things play out and if there is a time when I feel like bringing it up.