You See Him…What Now?

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fern on rockHere’s a great question:

“Rori, if I see a man (that I know) only for a short moment (passing by in a bar / in the elevator lobby / at the train stop / just going to the printer and passing by someone) and there is not much time to say a feeling message, and he doesn’t stop to talk.

What can I say / do? Without leaning forward?

I sometimes feel like I look at a guy and if he doesn’t look me in the eyes right away, I also look away because I’m afraid if I look at him for longer, he’ll feel like I am searching for his eye contact.

Is that a bad thing? Is that leaning forward?

Ellen”

My Answer:

Ellen, I know what you mean, and how you feel – and please see if this is what’s going on:

You see him up ahead.

You’re passing by.

You WANT to get his attention.

And so you don’t know what to do.

How about, instead…:

You see him up ahead, you’re passing by, you imagine how nice he is and you smile.

You look his way, and you smile, and you don’t care what happens after that.

This is being “agenda-less,” and you can DO it!

Love, Rori

Posted in

235 Comments

  1.  #1Mercedes on March 8, 2013 at 7:27 am

    “You see him up ahead, you’re passing by, you imagine how nice he is and you smile.

    You look his way, and you smile, and you don’t care what happens after that.”

    This would make for a very soft and beautiful smile I think…



  2.  #2Femininewoman on March 8, 2013 at 8:08 am

    Oh, to be agenda-less.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on March 8, 2013 at 8:22 am

    This post feels like we have to be constantly censoring ourselves. I guess that is what being our own observer is about.



  4.  #4Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I’m feeling like this is a doable thing for me….smile and imagine how nice he is.



  5.  #5Daria on March 8, 2013 at 8:38 am

    Yay ! Thank you !



  6.  #6Elsie on March 8, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Perfect mantra for me today – agendaless.

    I did it – again.

    For those following – I actually spoke to him today about how nice it would be to spend time with him this weekend since he had brought it up earlier in the week – and I would just need to have a bit of lead time so that I could get a sitter, etc.

    Anyway – I told him, with no agenda. I didnt make him feel badly, etc.

    It went PERFECT. Wonderful.

    This stuff works. It really does.

    Elsie



  7.  #7Olivia on March 8, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Smiling can seem really exposing and scary. So what I sometimes succeed at is what I call my *happy puppy* fact. I kind of widen my eyes and raise my eyebrows a tiny bit and imagine being curious and instantly I feel like light is being brought into my face..and the expression follows. There is the very faintest smile but people can still read it.



  8.  #8Olivia on March 8, 2013 at 8:57 am

    oops -*happy puppy FACE*



  9.  #9Emoticon on March 8, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Good Morning …. Afternoon…. Everybody



  10.  #10Violette on March 8, 2013 at 9:04 am

    Indigo thank you for you comment on my post. It felt supportive!

    I did call T back and left him a very sweet and flirty message asking him to call me between the hours of 10 and 9…because I was busy lately and pretty serious about sleeping.

    Then it was like I had purged my nervousness around things and I could breathe again and take a clearer look at whether I wanted to really reenter this situation.
    When we dated last I got great practice learning to express my needs and boundaries all while staying open and flirty. And that was great, but things with him didn’t improve. He still wanted to do things last minute and cancelled on me, and I felt unappreciated and ignored, and sex was incredible but loaded with the danger of feeling bad after when he left.
    I realized that I’ve been there done that. There is nothing more to be gained from this experience. I don’t want to do that again, because there’s nothing in it for me.
    I want to date guys who want to make me happy, who buy me dinner and plan dates with me, who love it when I love that. I want to be getting something out of it. Duh!!

    I’m so grateful I finally get it. T didn’t call back, and maybe he just won’t, which is great, and if he does I won’t be available for dating.

    Now comes the faith part. Believing that there are hundreds of amazing guys out there that I’m going to have the time of my life dating. I promise myself fabulous times ahead 🙂



  11.  #11Violette on March 8, 2013 at 9:04 am

    I am now turning myself into a flirting machine! Woohoo!



  12.  #12Emoticon on March 8, 2013 at 9:20 am

    I feel really happy right now



  13.  #13Emoticon on March 8, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Now i feel sad 🙁

    I feel undesirable….. and I know why

    MUST stop thinking these thoughts…. these NVs would try to ruin a good day….



  14.  #14Indigo on March 8, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Yay you Violette!

    You sound like you are in a really good place.



  15.  #15Indigo on March 8, 2013 at 9:43 am

    I must say I couldn’t help but notice the fear of rejection inherent in Ellen’s question to Rori.

    I don’t think smiling at a guy is leaning forward. The trick is not to care whether it gets a reaction. That in itself instantly makes it a leaning back thing. Sometimes I just smile at a guy who wouldn’t be expecting it just for the fun of it, just to feel the power of a feminine smile once in a while.



  16.  #16Memulo on March 8, 2013 at 10:17 am

    I have a date tonight. First date with a different guy. From talking to him on the phone I don’t think he is my soulmate, but he sounded pleasant and I want to go on a date with someone and see how it feels.



  17.  #17Femininewoman on March 8, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Memulo a guy just said to me “always have an open mind”. A real Goddess knows her soulmate when she meets him and see how she feels.



  18.  #18Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 10:57 am

    (((Emoticon)))



  19.  #19Memulo on March 8, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Thank you FW.



  20.  #20Dominique on March 8, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Femininewoman – 17 – I’m not so sure. Maybe for some they know their soul mate right away. I think for many we have too much stuff going on to recognize, are often riddled with expectations to notice, carry too much fear to see.

    It can grow and blossom over time. And maybe this is a better feeling way to go.

    xxoo



  21.  #21Femininewoman on March 8, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I agree Dominique. I didn’t mean it in a love at first sight kinda way. I was focussed on the assumption being made from the phone conversation before even meeting the person. I see it as an unconscious block or a resistance because of past experience.



  22.  #22Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I am exchanging texts with exoticCD (boring)
    I feel curious, he has not made further plans to see me but texts/ calls every day



  23.  #23Femininewoman on March 8, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Emerson are you practicing using FMs?

    I would maybe put more and more space between the times that I respond.



  24.  #24Dominique on March 8, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Femininewoman – I see. 🙂

    xxoo



  25.  #25Memulo on March 8, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    From my past experience the ones I fell deeply for made a miracle impression over the phone. They never knew it had such an impact on me, they were being themselves and I just liked them.



  26.  #26Memulo on March 8, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I was telling my cd that I feel controlled sometimes. He said : trust you need to earn. I felt like a little girl who did something shameful, except that my father never talked to me this way



  27.  #27Violette on March 8, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Thanks Indigo. I feel pretty great!



  28.  #28Violette on March 8, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Just got a FB request from a guy who got my number a few weeks ago and never called. I had also told him when I met him that I never use FB. I feel really annoyed!!!

    Whooo, it does not feel good to give my number out and not get a phone call, and then get these nibbles. Oh well, I’m not responding because I don’t want to. And I’ll tell myself he’s just trying so hard to get close to me and doesn’t know how, bless his heart!



  29.  #29zara on March 8, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    86: Memulo says:
    *****He wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. He
    would freak out and make another terrible
    scene*****

    Truth is about me, it has nothing to do with what “he” will say to it. (whoever “he” is)
    No relationship is possible without the truth. Not with oneself, not with others.

    Anyway, you put the focus on him to justify the untruth, like if feeding the untruth is supposed to keep him cool.
    Memulo, it is the untruth itself that makes him freak out.
    Truth is for yourself but I am going to observe the focus you put on him.

    When I lie, I make believe I am someone I am not.
    The man is in front of a Memulo who does not exist. The man does his best to feel, to connect inside the Memulo in front of him, yet he does not get her. His vibes finds nothing when they reach inside the figure who talks to him. She is not inside herself, she keeps trying to move into his head.

    His body feels cheated from your energy and he thinks it is about the money because he does not know about you lying to him. He does not know about giving energy and receiving energy and gratitude and respect and all that. He is learning through a woman’s heart and right now the woman is not the woman she pretends to be. She lies about her feelings and her wants and her sensations and her acts.
    He invests his energy into her and he gets the reaction of a woman who does not give much back. And I mean emotionally, energy speaking.

    Memulo I don’t want to twist myself and lie to him to make sure he does not get mad and to make sure he will keep coming!!!!! Coming to feel what anyhow ? He said he felt resentful, I am not enough, I have to pay the time he shares with me!!!!
    My body does not feel open to a man who resents giving to me.
    My body does not feel welcoming and can’t let his penis in when his heart is back pedalling.
    I do not feel sexy and sensuous and lascivious and slow and rich and vibrate under his caresses when at the same time I feel scared that he gets upset if I don’t give 50/50.
    I don’t feel free and I don’t expand through orgasm when I am walking on eggshells and I am lying to him.
    I am speaking integrity.
    My Dear, I feel up side down thinking of a woman making love with a man who inspires her doubts and fear and whose words resonates in her like put downs.
    I do not fall in love when I have to shut my heart to make sure the truth won’t come out of it by accident.
    I do not fall in love when I shut my heart because I am concentrated on lying to avoid a man’s anger.
    My body does not feel relaxed and opened when at the same time I am controlling the man’s emotions.

    When I lie I am controlling people emotions.
    I assume what they will feel and do and I assume what they want to hear, and without even asking them if I am right, I decide to tell them the lie I think they need in order to feel happy in life.
    CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL.
    I want the outcome I want and I lie to make sure it will be the outcome I want, while living a double life in the dark.

    No wonder sex is a money making industry.
    Half the planet controlling the other half.
    Who is there left to feel sexy in their body and enjoy a good old love making that comes from their heart, no ‘how to” needed?

    Memulo this man’s anger is none of your business. If he shouts let him shout. Millions people are shouting in this very minute, does it change anything to your life?
    Well, his shouting won’t change your life UNLESS you interpret it so that it changes your life.
    It is just noisy energy. Of course if you feel physically in danger then don’t meet him in private, stay protected in public , but then again, if you were to be that scared why would you even date him? I suppose it is more the fear of being judged.

    Own that fear and let him own his anger.

    Let him deal with his anger and find out by himself what he is projecting on you.
    And keep going you merry way saying hello to the men who would love to try to throw their energy into you.
    He will either come out of his tunnel thanks to your clear happy honest energy and he will come back to make you feel soft and feminine and to win your heart or he will keep resentful and hopefully you won’t give space to that.

    Memulo, CDs are supposed to win your heart, it is their mission, it gives a sense to their life.
    Their mission gives them the sense of their masculinity.
    When they win a woman’s heart they feel tall like a mountain.
    That’s when they get their energetic investment back.
    A man can’t feel resentful for his own mission in life, he just can’t.
    When they do, it’s because the energy dance is fake (work on finding your truth and share it with them) or they are just not a match and it is a waste of your time. They’ll hang around until they find their match.

    Focus on your part, the part that is totally your business. Practice letting the truth come out of your heart. And you’ll know who is who. Starting by yourself.

    I imagine that lying is like if I’d send my shadow meet people instead of going myself. Men try to love the shadow thinking they are trying to love me. They try to feel me, they throw their energy into me, but their energy bumps into a flat shape, there is nobody in it. They don’t get it, they feel resentful, lost, they get angry. They need to be plugged in me, but there is nothing to plug in, they lose their energy in me, they start to feel drained. The more they try the more it feels flat and the shadow gets loooooooonger and shoooooorter as the day goes around the planet. How long can a man keep his attention on the dance of a shadow, as artistic it might be and even poetic?
    And a man in a relationship with an ever moving shadow tends to follow, and to play the game. Little by little, he keeps things for himself, he changes details of his stories. After all, that’s what he is fed ,so that’s what he gives back. Until he feels starved for a real human he can plug himself in, and he walks away from the shadow to see if he finds a human where the grass is greener.

    Besides, the fear I feel of his anger is only a projection. It is not about the man at all. I don’t know if he would get REALLY mad, I have never done the experiment with him. This is God given occasion to meet the real him. What is he made of? I feed him truth, what will he feed me with? Will he find his own truth and “get” me? That would be a miracle and the beginning of a real connection. Or will he try to control me by shouting and denying the reality of my feelings when I circular date? Will he step on my feeling good, will he make up all kind of logic arguments to convince me I should not feel happy taking care of myself as a single woman? Will he be dishonest when I am being honest?

    How can I know what he will do if I don’t give him a CHANCE to SEE me, the real me?
    .Without the truth, I will never know what he is like and I might walk pass a very good man, I might lose the occasion to see him open up to the truth and transform it into energy back into me, and this time, with no counting the molecules he is investing in me.
    This time, pure gift from my heart to his heart back to my heart.
    How can I know if he is a mismatch, when I lie to him? He needs to meet the real me for his real him to match.
    Lying like this, I can waste another 10 years of my life, serial dating one Mr “Mismatch” after another Mr “Mismatch” while feeling puzzled why I don’t feel joyous!
    And then feeling puzzled why they vanish off to greener grasses.

    Yes, how can I know if he is a mismatch when I lie to him?
    Way after he is gone, I keep that feeling he could have been a match if only…and I get stuck with this reality.
    It is a reality indeed and that’s why it stucks so long to our hearts: how do I know he was a mismatch, how do I know our break up was not a mistake on his part?
    Well dear MEs (ME with an s, I am talking to all the ME in the world) well dear MEs, we don’t know if it was a mismatch, we really don’t, because we did not open our heart, he did not get to know who we were and he tried his best to match our shadow. That’s why it did not work. That’s for sure.
    But would it have worked if we had met him ourselves instead of sending our shadow?
    May be yes, may be no, we will never know.
    Never
    Too late now.
    So we learn and we say “from now on I go myself to the meetings Universe plans for me, no more shadows business”.
    The next CD we meet, we SHOW OURSELVES, we tell the truth.

    xxx



  30.  #30Starbright on March 8, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Zara,
    You sound so wise!!!



  31.  #31LoveAlways on March 8, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Agenda-less works!!! Men on the street have been speaking to me all day – playful, frisky, seductive – I just smile



  32.  #32LoveAlways on March 8, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Oh, and I never slow down my pace of walking 🙂



  33.  #33Elsie on March 8, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    OK – update. And its a GOOD one…

    So today he and I were talking about a friend of mine and her boy problems, which allowed me to say a lot of things, which was awesome.

    I told him that I think once you start making excuses for a guy then thats a tell tale sign. He started to get upset, and I asked why – and he said – well, you know my situation and you know I would love to be with you every weekend but I cant right now. And I smiled and said – well, that feels good to hear. 🙂 But I meant that its not an explanation -its an excuse – its something a girl makes up in her head to explain behavior away.

    Then I told him that I believe if a guy really cares about a girl that if he KNOWS she believes they are exclusive sexually or otherwise, and he wants to date around he has an obligation to tell her – he agreed with that – that a lot of guys will let girls believe things – but the ones the really care about – they will set them straight, etc.

    Then I said that I have boundaries and what I call……COVER CHARGES. 🙂 These are things that I need and frankly without them, I dont want a relationship – it felt awesome.

    then I said – frankly, I’ve learned that men aren’t ever where they dont want to be. You can tell if a man likes you if you gets texts, calls or see where he is at. If you cant seem to hear or find him, then taht tells you something. Men dont usually stay places they dont want to stay.

    He looked at me. He looked to his left. He looked to his right, and then looked back and me and smiled and said……Look where I am. I’m right where I want to be.

    Melt. I melted.

    Then, I said, the trick is that you always have to make sure that a guy knows that the exit ramp is ALWAYS open. He wants to leave? Fine. Dont lie to me though – dont be dishonest or cheat. Just take the exit ramp and we will all be fine.

    And he was just beaming – like everything I was saying was exactly what he wanted to hear.

    He teared up and grabbed my hand. It was awesome.

    So – there you go. Good stuff.

    It still bothers me that he said when he was served with papers that he will never marry – I may have to bring that up at some point….but not today. 🙂

    Today was awesome. 🙂



  34.  #34Elsie on March 8, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    …oh and I told him that the best anniversary present was when he held my hand on Tuesday by the elevators. 🙂

    Man, this has been a GOOD week for me.

    I hope I get to see him this weekend and his and my schedule works out. We’ll see.

    Oh….and I talked about those books like Men who love b**ches and the rules. I told him that I think they have a shred of truth only because it teaches girls that they should not rely on a guy – and that they shouldnt look to him for happiness, that they should be their own individual with self esteem, etc.

    He loved that I was saying that.

    LOL – little does he know how insecure I am and how much reassurance I could use LOL…..

    anyway – it was just such an awesome week. Better than I thought it would be.

    And it was all because I just opened up and didnt EXPECT anything back. And I said how I felt.

    Whew. Man. Remind me of how good this week was when I get all needy and insecure LOL



  35.  #35Vi on March 8, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    “..sooner or later she had to give up hope for a better past.” – Irvin D. Yalom, ‘Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death’.
    I feel like laughing and crying at the same time



  36.  #36Imogen on March 8, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Elsie, good for you!



  37.  #37Memulo on March 8, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Thank you Zara. I guess I know what to expect from him and don’t trust enough that I can give it a real chance.. I did not lie about tonight, I just said that I have plans.

    My date went better than expected. It felt easy and I enjoyed his smarts, his sense of humor and the way he treated me. He is a bit overweight and I don’t hate it because of his personality, but I am not thrilled about it either. I said yes to the second date.

    Omg, why dumbcd decided go for someone else??



  38.  #38Emoticon on March 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    I know Im late but thanks Emerson



  39.  #39Emoticon on March 8, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    Those negative thoughts are usually fleeting.



  40.  #40Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    Hi emoticon 🙂



  41.  #41Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I’ve been having some really negative thoughts like I’m not important and I don’t matter Nd my feelings are stupid and I need to fend for myself…I’m weak because of my emotions, I am questioning some choices I made in the past with job change, I miss my old job terribly, I feel sad losing friends, etc its like an avalanche….bad stuff…
    I know all untrue I don’t know why I think those things.
    It’s so horrible.



  42.  #42Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    I have pms so bad. I get really negative. I feel scared to share this because it might mean that I’m unlovable



  43.  #43Emerson on March 8, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    I feel better getting these thing out in the open



  44.  #44Indigo on March 9, 2013 at 12:28 am

    (((Emerson)))

    I think the irony is that sharing our “negative” feelings authentically connects us to the people who could love us.



  45.  #45Vi on March 9, 2013 at 3:22 am

    I felt thrill and thought it was love. Now I know it was fear. I can distinguish between these thrills now! Yay!



  46.  #46Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 3:37 am

    Thanks indigo



  47.  #47Vi on March 9, 2013 at 4:00 am

    I feel thankful that days become longer. I feel nourished with warmth and light. I feel thursty for light. I feel like I am absorbing it like a flower that’s about to open.
    I feel thankful to my neighbours, to the guy who leaves for work at 6.38, I know that he is on the way to his car by his caugh. And to another neighbour, I know by heart all the sounds the ladder is gonna make while he’s stepping down. I love this feeling of consistency they bring into my life. And they have no idea about that and it puts a broad smile on my face. I feel tenderness in my heart thonking about this my timy secret.
    I feel thankful to myself for expressing MH a boundary that took several months to form and put into right feeling words.I feel relieved to speak up and good about myself. I feel proud of myself too. I feel happy when I take myself seriousy.
    I feel thankful I have wonderful friends to connect with. I feel thrilled and almost teary by their unconditional love and I feel inspired to babystep and learn to love myself unconditionally too.



  48.  #48Emoticon on March 9, 2013 at 5:06 am

    (((((Emerson)))))

    Give the NVs some cookies and feel better.

    Much Love.

    P.S You ARE important!!



  49.  #49Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 5:13 am

    I surprisingly feel better and stronger after going on a date with another guy. I am not saying that I will end up with him, but I liked his energy. My cd was not happy that I had a night for myself. Today I am taking him to a museum, it will be a zero financial investment date for him as I declined dinner.



  50.  #50Emoticon on March 9, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Glad your date went well Memulo!



  51.  #51Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Emerson, I usually feel better when I am starting to make changes. If I am not happy with something I have a control over (like a job) I start looking for something else and eventually something else does happen. Good luck!



  52.  #52Emoticon on March 9, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Feeling happy

    And NOT afraid to commit to someone for the first time in such a long time.

    Good bye commitment phobia
    Hello TRUST and LOVE!



  53.  #53Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Thank you Emoticon 😉



  54.  #54k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:16 am

    “make sure that a guy knows that the exit ramp is ALWAYS open. He wants to leave? Fine. Dont lie to me though – dont be dishonest or cheat. Just take the exit ramp and we will all be fine.” Excellent advice Elsie. Disappearing ex needs to hear this. Yep. If you find someone and want to leave, LEAVE. Don’t cheat and be dishonest. Just GO. I was just remembering him on Thursday when I called my sister and his name came up(it hasn’t in the longest while). While I was at the park, he flashed across my mind and I remembered how he used to disappear a few days and then come back with the phone dropping story. LIE! (As we would say in my country). The first time I heard that story it sounded true. When I heard it the second time – said “your phone fell again” and by the time I heard it the third time, I knew that something was wrong. Anyway Elsie, I am happy for you. You have had a good week. Great.



  55.  #55k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:25 am

    Oh it wasn’t at the park he flashed cross my mind, I remember. Wasn’t at the park at all. I concentrated on good thoughts while talking on the blog and enjoying the cool breeze. He (disappearing ex) actually flashed accross my mind while waiting for one of my co-workers to go to work. Emoticon-219 in previous thread, your post cracked me up bigtime. Good thing u didn’t use that one. He would have been out of there. When I read it, I laughed out. Glad it worked out.



  56.  #56k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:55 am

    I posted the following yesterday while I was at the park. Posted it on the previous thread: I am finally here at the park. I am been here now for about an hour and will be leaving now as night descends. It’s very cool here and nice. Seems like I have to come earlier next time so I can stay longer. This will be a weekly event, definitely, particularly on a friday. I am catching up on the blog and heading home in a little while.

    244: k2012 says:

    Well I am leaving now to go home. After all the stress at work today, the park was definitely the place to de-stress and if I come here every week, I know I will meet someone. Lots of people are here. Some of them couples and some persons are sitting alone like myself. The best time to come it seems is a friday.



  57.  #57k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Ladies I don’t remember if I asked this question already but here goes: Do you think that I will stand a better chance of meeting someone if I go to the park alone as against going with a friend? Whether the park or anywhere else? And I mean one friend, not a group of friends. I know guys are afraid to approach girls when they(the girls) are in a group but I am not sure it is the same if u are with one friend? Looking forward to your answers. Thanks. In the meantime, overseas cd continues to make guest appearances and disappears. From the “I miss you message”, I haven’t heard a thing. Maybe I should change his name to overseas Guest cd. Lol. Happy Saturday morning to u all.



  58.  #58Elsie on March 9, 2013 at 7:18 am

    @Memulo – Sometimes I think you are like me – we need to control stuff. Its SO HARD to just let stuff go – I know it is for me anyway. I got a fussy feeling when you said that it would be a “no investment” date for him. Well, it feels like you are just having to worry so much about this stuff. I mean, seriously? He cant afford a small dinner, etc? I think you deserve so much more….. (((memulo))))

    @k2012 – Thank you for answering me 🙂 Yes, I have always told him the exit ramp is wide open. Just let me know if you ever want to use it – be honest. I think if you close off that exit ramp, and hang on to a man by his ankles, his first reaction is to pull away. When someone steps too close or pulls you in hard, and you arent ready, and even if you ARE READY, then your first response is to pull away. Same thing for guys emotionally (and girls too)…..So – just remember even if you dont want the exit ramp to be open – you have to just keep it open anyway – you dont want someone to feel OBLIGATED to be with you….

    Just my two cents…



  59.  #59Annie on March 9, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Some moments when reality is so crystal clear I just feel so helpless to get to a better place as the reality of the obstacles in the way are so vast and the obstacles so crap. And all the choices then are basically crap and it’s deciding which is the least crap. It’s like a prisoner trying to escape from prison.



  60.  #60Elsie on March 9, 2013 at 7:47 am

    @Annie – why are all your choices crap?



  61.  #61Liz on March 9, 2013 at 7:56 am

    I posted on a different thread.. but here will continue. I was saying how my guy of one year is suddenly busy with projects for his career and dreams. It is really remarkable how he has taken this dream and turned it into something and he really wants it and is making great progress. However, it has caused him to be so busy. So busy that all of the time that we used to spend together is gone. Yesterday, he told me that I am not as enthusiastic as before. I told him that while I am very happy for him in achieving his goals.. that it is hard for me because all of what we used to do no longer exists. And it is only getting worse. He wants for me to be jumping for joy when his successes mean less time for me, for us. I am not sure how to handle it. Sometimes, I feel so abandoned and lonely. And yet, when I see him he is so excited and wants for me to be excited with him. And instead, I feel angry. I feel hurt. I feel distant. In my heart I want for him to succeed really. But I also miss him terribly and I feel lonely and abandoned. Any thoughts, suggesstions? I almost feel like I want to say, why dont we take some time apart. But its not what I really want to do… I want to feel both happy for him and excited and joyful.. and not feel this loneliness and anger at the same time. He notices it and I know its not fair to him or to me…



  62.  #62Annie on March 9, 2013 at 8:03 am

    I feel curious
    I want to explore
    Is that the problem,
    People want to get attention?

    I observe this a lot off women who have had not had this as children with how they behave around men.

    We all want to attention that feels good.
    What feels good just being in the presence of someone who you feel relaxed with and doing things together that feel mutually enjoyable, pleasurable , fun.

    And not having attention that feels pressurizing, dismissive, suffocating or that feel bad.

    I feel sad I don’t actually remember hardly any feel good attention times with either of my parents.
    WOW , that feels awful.
    Just dragged around brought along as an accessory a thing an object.
    Told off or made fun of if I felt angry, scared, sad, insecure etc.
    No tenderness. I feel so sad, my heart hurts.
    Having my feelings dismissed and told they were not real.
    Only remember feel good attention and being with my Grandmother mostly and my aunts occasionally.

    I remember either being ignored treated like I wasn’t even there or didn’t exist as a separate human being with individual thoughts and feelings and told I was an alien.

    And all my friends or anyone else who visited getting lots of good attention.

    This was buried so deep.
    It is now right on the surface and the pain feels very bad indeed.
    I want this pain and these memories gone.
    Not flashbacks like I am back there reliving it with the same painful feelings.
    Will they ever truly be gone?
    Are they are demons and are pain, torture and hell we have to face?
    Is this what demons are?
    I don’t want to live in hell on earth.
    I want to live in heaven.
    I have experienced joy and moments that felt like Bliss and heaven.
    I want more of that.

    I don’t want to keep reliving this story of hell, pain and torture over and over again
    I want a better newer story I want to live in heaven.



  63.  #63Annie on March 9, 2013 at 8:16 am

    ” You see him up ahead, you’re passing by, you imagine how nice he is and you smile.

    You look his way, and you smile, and you don’t care what happens after that. ”

    I do care though, I care if he is kind and caring to me.
    I care very much if he hurts me.
    I don’t want to be hurt.



  64.  #64Annie on March 9, 2013 at 8:28 am

    I get it.
    All these people are to heal and are messengers. And the lesson is always love.
    I just feel scared to be alone with them.
    Ok to hear the message in public.



  65.  #65Indigo on March 9, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Annie,

    It sounds to me as if you may be highly sensitive. (Dominique has written about this.) Highly sensitive people feel things so much more deeply than others, joy, pain, and you care about things so much more intensely, and it feels as if you care about EVERYTHING.

    There is great joy and great beauty in being highly sensitive, and also great suffering, for you remain awake while others are asleep. But a peaceful, highly contented, highly loved, joyful existence IS possible if you learn some basic and important skills in managing your sensitivity. I speak from experience 🙂

    love and hugs to you



  66.  #66MovingMagic on March 9, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Having no expectations feels so much better than anxiety, fear & clinging to me. No expectations leaves more space in my life for breath, healing, creating & connecting with the world around me. I find myself talking to people more openly. I get into conversations with people while in line, kids wave at me…the world just feels like a more magical place.



  67.  #67k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 9:23 am

    “Just let me know if you ever want to use it – be honest. I think if you close off that exit ramp, and hang on to a man by his ankles, his first reaction is to pull away. When someone steps too close or pulls you in hard, and you arent ready, and even if you ARE READY, then your first response is to pull away. Same thing for guys emotionally (and girls too)…..So – just remember even if you dont want the exit ramp to be open – you have to just keep it open anyway – you dont want someone to feel OBLIGATED to be with you.” Wise words there, Elsie. I need to remember this, especially this section-“Just let me know if you ever want to use it – be honest.” This section can be used to tell men who behave as if they want to break up. It all depends on the situation. A man pulls away and u become suspicious that he has found someone-the frequent disappearances is usually a clue that they are losing interest. So just use this line on him. In other words, Elsie, its like u are saying”you are free to go, I am not stopping u. I suspect there is someone else, so if u want to leave u can go. I am not stopping u.” Then sit back and watch what happen. If he leaves u say,”good, better u leave than cheat on me.” Yea man. Good line to use on some of these men who don’t know what they want or WHO they want for that matter. Elsie and others, did u see my question above?



  68.  #68Femininewoman on March 9, 2013 at 9:47 am

    K2012 I am not sure if anyone who does not know the people who frequent that particular park can answer you. Be that as it may when you are alone anywhere men will find it easier to raise enough courage to approach you. There is no risk of shame in front of other girls if you reject him. Also you raise your attraction factor if you hang out in places frequented by a lot of men



  69.  #69Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 10:02 am

    Thank you Elsie. My cd was complaining about doing a lot for me, plus I didn’t get over being called and extra mouth to feed, so I feel uncomfortable accepting dinner invite. He did offer.
    Funny, I think if myself as not being savy enough to try and control.



  70.  #70Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 10:20 am

    K2012, I think anywhere you go alone you create an opportunity for someone to approach you. It can be a park or an exhibit or a wine tasting, depends on what you like to do.



  71.  #71Elsie on March 9, 2013 at 10:41 am

    @Memulo – I’ll be honest with you – I would never get over being called “an extra mouth to feed.” Ever. But thats just me……That would be a rough thing to hear…..



  72.  #72Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Elsie I know but I feel guilty about not having enough feelings for him. At the end I am the one hurting him.



  73.  #73Libelula on March 9, 2013 at 11:32 am

    Hi. I’m on a different topic, but I can’t find the answer on the website nor can I find a help section. I would like to read some of Rori’s articles – I’m a member, but often the website won’t let me read the articles. How do I access them?

    Also, is there a way to be notified of followup comments via email without receiving an email for each and every post? One email until I can look again is adequate.
    Thanks.



  74.  #74Donn on March 9, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Hi Rori,
    I have been receiving your emails about relationships for several weeks and find them very enlightening, however, none have touched on my situation. I am divorced and have just started seeing men again, I won’t say dating because they are FWB, I thought this would work great for me as I’m not looking for a commitment, there is no drama, no strings, however, there is one fwb that I have actually began to fall for but some of his actions weren’t adding up. We have been seeing each other for 7 months. I finally got the courage to ask him if he is married and you guessed it, the answer was “yes, does it matter? It’s not a happy one”. While I wasn’t surprised at the answer because my gut told me it was a possibility in the beginning, I chose to ignore it and continue the relationship but now that there are more emotions involved I felt like it was something I needed to know for sure. My divorce was due to the fact that my husband had several affairs but only one was provable and so I decided that I wouldn’t live that way and yet I am doing exactly what I punished my husband for. My head is telling me to walk away from this relationship, married is married whether its a good one or not, but my heart won’t listen to my head. I really like this man and he is beginning to have feelings for me also. I am not a home wrecker and I NEVER wanted anything like this to happen. I don’t want to be the other woman, there is no future in that and I know that I will always be last in this type of relationship. I would never ask him to leave his wife but at this point I am willing to put all of that aside and continue the relationship even though I know it’s wrong. I will do anything to make him happy, I love being with him, I’ve never met anyone like him before and I just feel this connection with him that I haven’t ever felt before. I’m pretty sure I know your answer but I need strength. HELP!!!!!



  75.  #75Rori Raye on March 9, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Donn – Dump him now. NOW!!!!! Unless you want a vat of heartache, heartbreak, guilt, tension, resentment, anger, and drama – do not EVER get involved with a married man!!!! If he ever gets divorced, he knows where to find you. I realize Angelina Jolie might differ with me here – but then, she’s Angelina, and Brad did the right thing, and in the right order, and fast. This man isn’t. Love, Rori



  76.  #76NewJourney on March 9, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Dearest Rori,
    Im at a pivotal point in my life. I’m widowed now 4 years, 46 years old, looking to find a loving relationship. Married 22 years, it’s difficult not to remember the man who cherished me and treated me like his queen. It was work, but beautiful work. Now I find myself in a sea of unworthy men, mostly divorced, bitter, angry, untrusting…. I’m a positive personality and see people are drawn to me…. So many ,men and women say how at ease they feel with me. I have 3 children, thriving and respectful, twin boys off to college, my daughter a sophomore in high school, I’m looking to find that comparability with a man…. I just purchased your entire collection hoping to find that piece I may be missing.
    I’m dating a man, 2 kids, in my town….he’s sweet , but was married to an addict, I see his codependent ways…. He shuts down when his life gets a little hectic. I’ve been a good communicator, tell it as it is, now after watching a portion of your videos fear he is that guy, immature, who can not sustain a healthy relationship. I’m going to try your advice on your commitment blueprint and see what happens.
    Im not confused… My husband died and my children and I had closure, this is a new journey for me, a second portion of my life and I want it to live out my motto, happily ever after. I’ve seen the beauty of a loving relationship, but at 46, this really is a new ball game lol!! Just wanted to say thank you, I love your advice to open your heart, what you are saying is to find yourself, love yourself and your inner beautiful energy will flow and be irresistible…. My problem is I’m afraid of being alone, insecurity takes over and I feel afraid…. Stupid, I’ve got it all going on, financially secure, happy person, great girlfriends for support, reality….afraid to feel that loss I felt when my husband died…..so I’m trying too hard with this man I’m dating… Girlfriend stuck…..1 year of dating…. He mentions a future….but it’s 3 years down the pike…..yup I know…..just finished your commitment blueprint…. So I guess I will be using your advice, it is out of my comfort zone to step back, so who is the true codependent….but I will…hoping he does what you say…..if not…then I guess I must move forward.



  77.  #77Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    My cd cancelled the date for tonight. He was working this weekend and got tired. Well, gives me more time to study.



  78.  #78Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Actually, he just called and broke up with me. He said it’s not going to work out between us because we want different things. I said ok and thanked him for everything. He said no problem. I asked – don’t you want to thank me? He said – I had a nice time with you, you were a good friend. And then there was a good bye;)



  79.  #79ALA on March 9, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    ((( Memulo )))



  80.  #80Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    I am grateful to my cd for making me feel wanted. For showing me that I can have a lot of power in a relationship and that I deserve the best.



  81.  #81ALA on March 9, 2013 at 3:44 pm

    I’m feeling a little frantic, obsessed and waaaaay too much laser focused on a man. I want to ask him what he meant – it wasn’t clear to me if he was telling me he wants to poof. Not hearing from him should be clear enough for me to know… he poofed. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel frustrated that communication is so difficult for me to navigate sometimes. I am leaning back though. Trying to explain myself better will only push him further away. So I will now focus on something that will make me feel happy and taking care of myself. Just got off work, the sun is shinning and it’s a spectacular early spring/late winter day. I just remembered that I wanted to buy myself some good food that my grocery store is having a sale on steak and eggs and bananas. mmmm, steak diner feels like a luxury I dont very often indulge in. I feel happy taking care of myself in this way.



  82.  #82Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    (((ALA)))

    Enjoy your evening!



  83.  #83ALA on March 9, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Thank you, Memulo! Your hug feels really nice to me. I smiled when I saw it. 🙂



  84.  #84k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    “I don’t want to be the other woman, there is no future in that and I know that I will always be last in this type of relationship.” U know it Donn, u can say that again. As the ladies on a website I used to frequent would say,”Run to the nearest exit.”. When u read this section that was just written -” heartache, heartbreak, guilt, tension, resentment, anger, and drama – that is enough to make any woman faced with this situation to run. When Christmas, Thanksgiving (for our American and Canadian ladies), and any major holiday comes around, the other woman is last. That can be very painful. When u are involved with a man in a serious way, u certainly want him to be with u on major holiday weekends. Plus who wants a man who is able to spend a few hours at your house and go home to their wife. Nope. U want a man who will come home to YOU, not sleep a few hours at your house and then go home to someone else. Plus as the saying goes in my country “u have to be looking over your shoulder” when u go out cause u don’t want anyone who knows the man’s wife to tell her. No sah. Not wise at all.



  85.  #85k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Thanks Memulo and FW for your responses. I need to remember what guys say. And FW, yes go to places where men frequent. I remember that park in our country where international cricket matches are played. Can u imagine going there by myself? I do not understand cricket at all, in. Fact I don’t like it but that’s only one place. Remind me of some of the places men frequent apart from sports bars. I hope no man who is unavailable approaches me though. That can be very frustrating (see my post above) cause the minute I find out they are not available (married or attached), I am running to the nearest exit. When u are searching for a husband, and married men or attached men approach u, once u find out there status, I might just tell them abruptly that I am looking for a husband and they don’t qualify because of their status. I told long time ex this when he came to my workplace to look for me that “I want someone single and because he is married, he is out of the loop.” He seems to want FWB cause I don’t know what else he would want. From ever since I started having boyfriends, I can only recall doing FWB one time and that was a long time ago. I had to run quickly as the guy was not available (he had a girlfriend) so it went on for a short time after which I ended it. I am not a FWB/casual, fling person. Once u are involved with me, your intention has to be long term commitment/serious relationship. If a man doesn’t want that with me but only something casual, I cut him off or distance myself. Doesn’t make sense. It is a waste of time.



  86.  #86k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Correctiobn: I need to remember what u guys say. Hugs to u Memulo. U are better off without him. I agree with Elsie when she said above that if it was she couldn’t get over the comment about “extra mouth to feed”. He was rude and out of order and if it was me, I would certainly tell him off and that he is out of order. In fact that comment was insulting, as if taking u out to dinner is a burden. He is rude. So why invite u out then since as he is obviously burdened by it. U will find someone better than who will treat u like a queen. If he had any class at all, he wouldn’t tell u that.



  87.  #87Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 6:20 pm

    Thank you ALA and K2012. Your support meant a lot to me;) I think at the end he couldn’t take it that I went out in Friday. He assumed I was going to services and then out with my friends. It was something he could not control and he couldn’t take it.

    I decided to go out alone tonight to a very classy bar where they play live music. I feel a bit odd coming here alone. A couple of weeks ago my cd took me here. There are mostly couples in the audience.. I am at the door and a bit scared to go in;) what if someone sees me! Anyway, they will think I look good and am enjoying myself;) sometimes in life you have to be brave. I was not with my cd, sobperhaps it’s time to start;)



  88.  #88ArabianLove on March 9, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    WOW Zara ! Just Wow !!!

    Thank you for that insight !

    🙂



  89.  #89Elsie on March 9, 2013 at 6:36 pm

    Well, I’m feeling a bit lonely. I had such a fantastic week emotionally with him. And last night we texted. But today its been radio silence. He knew that I really wanted to see him today to sort of “make up” for our anniversary – and I also know his situation – so if he cant make it – then thats fine – but I wish he would have texted me or called me.

    I would have been reassured. I know he is going through the most stressful time of his life. And i know that he thinks of me.

    I think I have been weary of letting him know how much contact I need when we dont see each other. I get anxious that I will look needy and I dont want that so I have kept it to myself.

    Given that he seems to really want to be with me, and that he even said that he wants to be there for me, perhaps at some point I should broach that subject.

    I know it would reassure me to hear from him. Especially today. Espeically when I thought there was a chance we could go out tonight

    But the problem is that he didnt even text me to say hello all day – ugh…..icky feeling.



  90.  #90k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    “sometimes in life you have to be brave.” That comment is so timely. I have to get brave too to go out on my own. I might not be scared going certain places alone, like the park,(the one I went to yesterday) but another one that came to mind today, wow, I would be a bit scared to go to that one. Yep. That’s the one the international matches are played.



  91.  #91Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    Elsie, in some ways it’s very simple. You tell him what you want once or twice and if your needs are not met you take care of yourself. Easier said than done, I know.



  92.  #92Luzydel on March 9, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    I went on a date today, like I said I am paying attention to my feelings; I was about to be a bit of a “jerk” with the CD (let’s call him CaptainCD); he was great, attentive and did anything possible so I had a good time (he even remember I like chocolate and gave me a box of Godiva :); I told him once over the phone I was like a mermaid so he put a cute mermaid sticker and a pirate sticker; a bit cheesy, but cute., Not movie handsome, but not repulsive in any way; just a regular man in his early 40’s.

    I was able to catch myself and get back on track when I realized I was sort of pushing him away. I remember the movie “Happy thank-you More Pls” where the man told the woman, you deserve to be adored… So I left him be nice to me, I smiled and I felt the weight inside of me go away. That weight is resistance; resistance to be treated nicely by a man, and the “needy-ness” to go and chase a man I want to fix. I said yes to meet again, he has a nice raspy voice and the potential to adore me… so why not?



  93.  #93ALA on March 9, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    I feel in awe… mouth agape in AWE what Zara wrote!

    … catching up with the blog now.

    Feeling smiley that I found Rori and all you so incredible ladies!



  94.  #94Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    92 luzydel
    That’s awesome im so loving what you wrote:) I will remember your words next time I’m on a date



  95.  #95Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    (((Memulo)))



  96.  #96Luzydel on March 9, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Women most men want just to be good to us and treat us nicely… I am seeing that now. Just a few are ‘jerks’ and mean to uu. Most men want us to let them adore us. I am really enjoying CaptainCD attention; gotta love men who are a bit older than me… 🙂



  97.  #97Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Hi sirens I realize I’ve been learning a lot ..I get scared when I share my feelings or expose my emotions that I “blew it” and I fear I will get a very negative reaction …. But I’ve been proven wrong and the opposite has happened…yay!

    I also had a “messenger” speak to me at a coffee shop the other day… A man approached me and said hi and small talk…
    Then he told me to never lose my enthusiasm…
    Spend more time with like minded people who are motivated and positive…
    If someone is putting too many obstacles in my path…. Drop them.

    I’m not kidding the guy said all these things to me…. How cool is that



  98.  #98Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    95 luzydel I like your outlook



  99.  #99Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    96 he gave me his email and phone as well



  100.  #100Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    I’m spacing out my response time to exoticCD and see how that goes… Meanwhile I have two other CDs I am talking to…but I have not met yet…



  101.  #101Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I am thinking to drop his stuff at his building tomorrow morning. I don’t want to keep it and don’t want to ask him to take it and don’t feel like mailing it. I can ask the doorman not to call before I leave the building.



  102.  #102Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    My coffee shop messenger also told
    me to make sure I listen ….

    Interesting , mind you, I had only met this man five minutes prior ….

    He also talked to me about holistic medicine, which I’m totally into…

    Not a love interest per se’ but perhaps a friend…



  103.  #103Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    100 memulo is this the same cd who was talking to you in the street and you were hungry? I don’t recall the whole story



  104.  #104Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Emerson – yes. It’s the same guy. He called afterward and tried to make it work, and he came over on Wednesday and we talked and I told him that I don’t feel like going out for dinner, but would love to take him on Sat to the museum. He accepted and was happy, but then he couldn’t overcome the fact that on Friday night I went out alone.



  105.  #105Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    I don’t feel extra happy about being alone again, but in a way it is freedom and I could feel in our last conversation that he needs to control, he can’t let it go. I wouldn’t be happy with a controlling partner and I told him that, in a soft way. I told him that my father is not controlling at all and I have this free spirit in me. But otherwise – I feel bad for him because I didn’t return his feelings. I was empty inside as a romantic partner for him.

    For 4 months he called me every night and asked where I am and what I am doing. Every single night, no one exception.



  106.  #106Memulo on March 9, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    I started thinking even that if we were to live together I’d have to report every dollar I spent as well.



  107.  #107Emerson on March 9, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Wow memulo,,
    I would not like this at all.
    My ex from way back when was like that. It was such a turnoff. I was always lacking the romantic partner feeling with him as well.



  108.  #108k2012 on March 9, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    “…………where I am and what I am doing.” This man sounds controlling Memulo. While it was good that he called u every night, every time he wanted to know where u are and what u were doing!!!!!! He sounds controlling and insecure.” I told him that my father is not controlling at all.” Good one. So in other words then. Its like u are telling him that the first man in my life-my father is not controlling, so I am not going to let any man who has an interest in me-control me.



  109.  #109Indigo on March 9, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Donn,

    I was thinking when I was reading your post how, with a married man who is having an affair where he is telling the other woman that he loves her, it’s bait and switch.

    He is being all nice to you and saying the sweet words, in the hopes that it will distract you from the fact that he is still with his wife, and isn’t remotely giving you what you need and deserve. He knows it, you know it.

    I hope you leave this man, Donn. If he really wants to be with you badly enough he will leave his wife and come and find you.



  110.  #110Mel on March 9, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    Hi Rory,

    I have newly discovered your website and resources and am wondering if they can help me. I am looking for a committed, long-term, meaningful relationship with a man. I have previously had one serious 3-year relationship which ended due to distance and defence force committments (on his part). Since then I have been single and have been having terrible trouble meeting anyone at all let alone dating. I love your idea of ‘circular dating’ and agree that it would have many positive effects but for me this doesn’t seem a realistic possibility due to the complete lack of men in my life whatsoever. I live in a very small town with a small circle of friends and wonder what I can do to actually have enough men in my life to give circular dating a try!



  111.  #111Rori Raye on March 10, 2013 at 12:35 am

    New Journey – you’ve got this nailed! All you need is a bit of time and experience, and it will all come together for you. Don’t worry about the ups and downs – it’s the way you move through it that makes things interesting, fun, fulfilling, and brings love. Love, Rori



  112.  #112Rori Raye on March 10, 2013 at 12:37 am

    Mel – I work with many women with this “small town” problem – and I always suggest moving to a bigger city. At least driving to one for weekends, and online dating and going to events in that city. Also – I’ll bet there are men in your town who’re interested in you…so just go out and have fun and use the Tools. Love, Rori



  113.  #113Heart on March 10, 2013 at 1:35 am

    Hi Blog – taking a blog break while I sort out my life <3.



  114.  #114Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 3:24 am

    David Wygant

    The next time you feel like blurting out what you want in a relationship, pause, look at the man and say this:

    Let me ask you a question, what are you looking for right now?

    And wait. Allow him to tell you – first.

    An authentic male will look you right in the eyes and tell you exactly what he wants, whether it’s a relationship, sex, just fooling around, friendship, whatever it might be. An authentic man will do that.

    A salesman, or a guy that just wants to get into your pants will look above you, he’ll look to the side, he’ll get nervous – he’s basically searching for an answer because he doesn’t know what you want so he’s not able to tell you what you want to hear.

    This is a man that you never need to go out with again, because he is not authentic or real, and probably just wants to get laid.

    The man you go out with again is the man that tells you bluntly what he wants. If it matches what you want, then you can move forward and you know that you’re with a guy that is searching for the same thing.

    It really is that simple.



  115.  #115Smile on March 10, 2013 at 4:28 am

    I’m feeling happy 🙂



  116.  #116Smile on March 10, 2013 at 4:28 am

    114, FW love this



  117.  #117Smile on March 10, 2013 at 4:39 am

    ‘agendaless’ sums up everything really…



  118.  #118Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Memulo I don’t know the whole story, but I wouldn’t returned what he gave me unless he asked for it and even in that case I wouldn’t go to his place; i would tell him to make arrangements to pick it up.



  119.  #119Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 5:08 am

    Memulo I don’t know the whole story, but I wouldn’t returned what he gave me unless he asked for it and even in that case I wouldn’t go to his place; i would tell him to make arrangements to pick it up.



  120.  #120Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 5:12 am

    Carol Allen

    Rihanna has said publicly that she forgives Chris, and Chris has said that he deeply regrets what happened back in 2009.

    While I applaud them both for finding a way to heal the past and come to forgiveness and love about it all, I can’t help but be worried about them, too.

    (Just now, in researching them, I saw a headline from today that said, “Chris Brown Blows Up In Concert”. ugh.)

    I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you domestic violence is all too common, and is found amongst couples of all cultures, races, religions, classes, education levels, and income levels.

    In fact – not to totally bum you out – one in three women in the world will be beaten or raped in her lifetime.

    And it’s shockingly common for victims to return to their victimizers. (In fact, the average victim of domestic abuse doesn’t report the abuse or leave until she’s been abused an average of THIRTY-THREE times, always hoping that “this time” things will be different…)

    So although I like to have more fun with these newsletters – I thought it important to look at the topic of violence and share what can contribute to it in the stars by revisiting this column I wrote about Chris and Rihanna way back when this scandal broke all those years ago.

    Because – YES – issues like hostility, anger, arguing, and even DANGER can be seen astrologically.

    So, let’s go to the astrological vault, shall we?

    Apparently their pre-Grammy brawl was not the first occasion that turned dangerous between Rihanna and Chris.

    They supposedly left over $50,000 worth of damage to a hotel room on her home island of Barbados earlier that same year ago.

    They were seen fighting at night clubs.

    It was all allegedly over other women.

    (One version of what happened the night before the Grammy’s involved another woman…)

    So – the first thing I look to for in these kinds of cases between two people is NOT their compatibility.

    It’s the nature of the charts of both people individually.

    Does the woman have the chart of a self-sacrificing victim?

    And does the man have the chart of a philandering hot-head?

    In the case of Rihanna and Chris I’m not surprised to say that the answer is YES and YES.

    As I share in my program, “Signs of Compatiblity,” Rihanna has one of the most self-sacrificing, co-dependent Moon signs possible.

    (In astrology it’s the Moon sign – not the Sun – that shows how people relate to others emotionally…)

    According to the calculations of Vedic astrology, the system of ancient India (which has different calculations than the Western system – putting most chart positions back almost an entire sign) Rihanna has her Moon in the sign of Pisces.

    Not only that, it’s with Venus and Rahu.

    Women with the Moon in the sign of Pisces have to be enormously careful of being “too nice.”

    They have a hard time setting boundaries, saying no, and putting their own needs first.

    They tend to over-give and over-accommodate and so have to be careful of attracting men who over-take and under-accommodate.

    They have to be extremely wary of losing themselves in relationships for the sake of the intense emotional connection they crave.

    A woman like Rihanna doesn’t just want a lover – she wants to MERGE with a man.

    She wants to SHARE SKIN.

    Not only that – Rihanna has Venus, the planet of love in the sign of Pisces as well, making her all the more starry-eyed and overly emotional in her romantic choices, versus being able to also “use her head” in love.

    To top it off, Venus and the Moon are joined by Rahu, also known as “the North Node of the Moon” – an eclipse point, not actually a planet.

    People that have Venus with Rahu tend to have many romantic dramas full of sudden ups and downs.

    They’re also quite attractive, and seen as sex symbols.

    (Rihanna’s tour at the time this all happened was called “Good Girl Gone Bad.” She might want to rethink that…)

    Other famous sex symbols with this Rahu/Venus combo include Elvis, Madonna, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise…

    The big downside of the Rahu/Venus combo is that it can cause the issue of infidelity to be a big theme in their love lives.



  121.  #121Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 5:16 am

    Carol Allen

    I’m a big believer that we “find our perfect match” and that “water rises to it’s own level” in relationships.

    Meaning – if a woman has the nature to be “too nice” then she’ll often attract a man who will take advantage of that – and vice verse.

    In other words, “for every lid there’s a pot” as Grandma used to say – and it’s true.



  122.  #122Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 5:19 am

    captainCD asked me to go to brunch with him today, he said he doesn’t mind driving to me; I will say yes though we had a date yesterday. I don’t feel like being alone on another sunday and I do not want to play games; and I want to go, so I have to be honest with myself and agenda-less.

    No other cd have asked me; K keep saying he cannot met me because he is “broke” and don’t have money to take me out, I feel turned off by that, so many ways to treat a woman without breaking the bank. Another CD popped out of nowhere, last sunday he did not sow up and said he went somewhere else and wanted us to meet late at night (which I said no).

    Then other CD’s have just disappeared, but I don’t feel anything towards that behavior from men because I have not invested in them like I used to; I am going for the one who stays and give me what I deserve.



  123.  #123Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Don’t even think of “going for the one who stays and give me what I deserve”. Just to remain open and allowing.



  124.  #124Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 5:30 am

    Yeah FW I am staying open and inviting for the one that gives me what I deserve… I sounds good, but it is hard to receive sometimes; I have not quite master that part of me, though I am working on it. CaptianCD is a giving man and the univers has put him in front of me so I can receive, sometimes I feel like running and go for a man Like K who I feel needs to be fixed….but I am seeing that pattern before it happens.



  125.  #125Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 5:49 am

    I have moon in pisces…. 🙁



  126.  #126Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 5:55 am

    I am listening to this right now. I look for things like these to listen to at least twice per day – about worthiness

    http://www.outrageousmastery.com/gifts/worthyspecial.php?p=gift

    I have also started a kind of Pavlov practice to bring me in the now outside my head to remind me I am worthy. I massage myself in a sensitive spot.



  127.  #127Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Mission accomplished. I went to his building and returned his stuff. It felt easier than keeping it and ‘finding it’ it once in a while. He lives very close. I threw a few chocolates in the package 😉



  128.  #128Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 6:26 am

    I feel sad 😉 I am still questioning if I made a mistake by pushing him away. But maybe being a good person which he is and wanting to be with me is not enough?



  129.  #129Luzydel on March 10, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Memulo; I don’t know what to say…

    It feels like you want to have the last word all the time.

    Do you want to be right or Do you want to be happy?

    (((hugs)))



  130.  #130Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 7:20 am

    Luzydel: ‘Do you want to be right or Do you want to be happy?’

    What do you mean?

    it was done, he broke up with me.



  131.  #131Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I don’t really feel rejected because I rejected him all the time. I feel scared from being alone again, that I do.



  132.  #132Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 7:36 am

    I opened a baci chocolate and the message inside said: a sponge to wipe away the past, a rose to sweeten the present and a kiss to greet the future;) Maupassant



  133.  #133Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 8:00 am

    He said – I had a nice time with you. You were a good friend. Maybe he wasn’t really deeply in love with me?



  134.  #134sha-sha on March 10, 2013 at 9:08 am

    🙂



  135.  #135Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I got a text from him that he enjoyed our time together and has fond memories. He said I will be very much missed. I replied from my heart .



  136.  #136Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 9:43 am

    He is saying – now you are affectionate? You are funny.

    He didn’t get my package yet it turned out. Omg, what do I say??



  137.  #137Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 10:16 am

    I did not know what to say so I didn’t say anything



  138.  #138Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 10:18 am

    I don’t know if I blew it again



  139.  #139ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 10:31 am

    Memulo, How do you blow a relationship if you don’t like the guy ?

    Why are you worried about what he thinks ? … Just do and say whatever you feel dear!

    In my opinion, it was REALLY nice of you to offer to take him to the museum and he decided to break it off. So that’s his problem. You’re awesome and you just say what you truly feel ! Don’t worry about what this guy thinks !



  140.  #140ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Correction :
    * and he decided instead to break it off *



  141.  #141Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 10:44 am

    ArabianLove, I offered to take him there again. in my last text. I said I’d like to stay friends and give you a tour of the museum. And that I will miss him too and I am sorry I never said it outloud. He replied he is looking forward to the museum tour and then the line about me all of the sudden showing affection. I did not know what to say anymore and did not reply.



  142.  #142Indigo on March 10, 2013 at 10:46 am

    ArabianLove,

    You speak the truth there! It’s so easy to forget these simple things when you’re so busy beating yourself up – you spoke your truth and were true to yourself and your feelings, and he reacted badly, or maybe not how you would have wanted. It’s so easy to get caught up in his reaction, and think we could have somehow changed that, and forget about the fact that we spoke our truth in a respectful way and were true to our feelings. Yay us!

    I can totally see why Rori bans beating up on yourself, and tells you to take the focus off him – because it makes it hard to see clearly.

    Something I am just really beginning to see for myself 🙂



  143.  #143Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Indigo,

    Are you talking to me too in your last post?



  144.  #144ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Thanks for clarifying Memulo!
    But I still stand by what I said !

    Go read Zara’s comment ! Awesomeness lol ! And soooo true !

    You really can’t fake it ! You just have to be you 😉 !



  145.  #145ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I believe she was 🙂 …



  146.  #146Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Ok, maybe I made a fool out of myself by showing affection after he broke up with me. I always felt guilty about not being loving and affectionate with him. Yay me;)



  147.  #147Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 11:17 am

    How do I always do this without even noticing 😉



  148.  #148ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 11:19 am

    You know for the first time I told my guy that I missed him … over text message … I have said it before to his face but he has always asked if I missed him and what not… I have never stated it before on my own.

    And the fact that he answered me while he was out of the country for me is something… twice at that lol!

    I have realized that I need to show love and not be afraid of showing what is in my heart no matter how others respond.
    You can’t try and get anything from anyone … people will simply love you, like you, or not no matter what you do, say … as long as you are being true to what you feel in your heart 🙂 …

    I have tried to say certain things, or be hot and cold and it doesn’t work cuz .. its simply a tactic!

    Anyways, I am rambling … but it feels good to write it down.



  149.  #149ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Memulo,
    I did not mean that you were making a fool out of yourself, whatsoever !

    Just that you shouldn’t care what he thinks … as long as you are being truthful to what you want to say and do.

    So if you showed him affection GOOD!!
    Because that was what you wanted to do .

    Don’t think about how now he will think that I love him and all this other stuff that goes through your mind!



  150.  #150ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Its all that other stuff that makes you go crazzyyyy…
    Believe me I understand it 100% !



  151.  #151Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 11:33 am

    Thank you ArabianLove. I was not doing tactic with him. I was just deeply hurt by someone else and he was so much after me, I was not sure for what reason and I resisted big time because of all of the above, and I did not feel alive. Anyway – he is history now.

    It was nice of him to reach out to me today and say something human. So I broke into feelings 😉



  152.  #152Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Perhaps a ‘normal’ woman would have not responded to his you will be missed text this morning and be just busy with her life. But when was I a ‘normal’ woman lol.



  153.  #153Indigo on March 10, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Hey Memulo

    Kind of. I was just echoing what ArabianLove was saying… it’s true for me and I think it’s true for you too –

    Just be yourself and express yourself authentically and celebrate that *for you*

    Those who are going to love you will do so, and those are not won’t. Other people’s responses to our authentic selves are their business, not ours. X



  154.  #154Indigo on March 10, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    So yeah, there is no “should”, there is no “normal”, there is no “right”.

    There is only “who you are”.



  155.  #155ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    152 – Lol Memulo !

    You did perfectly!



  156.  #156ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I’m bored and I have so much work to do and don’t feel like doing any of it !



  157.  #157Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    ArabianLove, if it’s helpful at all, I have to study hard and I am making myself do it. Come on, show some team work! Together we can do it 😉



  158.  #158ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Ok Memulo !
    I’ll join you in working hard ! 😛



  159.  #159ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    All I want though is to be held by my guy !
    Ahahaha



  160.  #160Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    How is it going ArabianLove;) I am taking a gym break.

    I just realized that out of the past 15-16 months I spent 1 month without a serious boyfriend. That is kind of crazy. I feel sad and shaky over my cd break up, but then the spring is almost here and maybe I just need to have some faith that things will be alright.



  161.  #161ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Ahhhh I stopped work to watch a movie Memulo lol … but I got at least a bit done 🙂 !

    Wow ! See I don’t even consider the guy Im with as a bf !



  162.  #162ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Aaah that’s sad ! lol
    and I dont want to feel sad … I wish I could erase that comment !



  163.  #163k2012 on March 10, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    Memulo:”He said I will be very much missed. So if u will be missed Memulo, why did he break up with u then? I don’t understand. He sounds confused. This sounds similar to what Overseas cd told me, that he missed me. I was puzzled as to how a man who is not interested in me could miss me. As Dominique told me-words mean nothing unless translated into action. I thanked her for reminding me. So Memulo, don’t pay that comment any mind. Ask yourself “if he really missed me like he said, why break up with me then.” Boy oh boy, some men are “classic” eh ladies. As I type this a question flash cross my mind-i wonder how many more frogs am I going to have to kiss before I FINALLY meet my PRINCE. My goodness. I will certainly keep praying. I am confident that it will happen, believe me. While I begin to put myself out there, I will continue to pray.



  164.  #164k2012 on March 10, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    FW 114 love this.



  165.  #165Elsie on March 10, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    This weekend felt lonely. He did text me today a bit, but I had really hoped for some sort of time together to memorialize our anniversary. I know its not the time for it – and I know he couldnt get away – but I feel disappointed nonetheless.

    What would have been wonderful is if he recreated our first date – haha – now THAT would have been awesome. I thought about it – and thought how sweet that would have been. Maybe I’ll mention it to him at some point that I would love that…. 🙂

    I guess I’m just feeling lonely, and a little insecure, and frankly a bit needing of attention and reassurance again. As per usual. 🙂



  166.  #166Femininewoman on March 10, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Anniversary is to relationship
    Dating is just dating



  167.  #167IamHis on March 10, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    There’s this guy, and he’s been around me for a while, and I feel safe around him. Really safe. He’s completely single, he’s not a flirt, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and I love the way he treats his mom and sisters. He is really good to them. He is a leader. He is quiet, but confident. so, why, when he looks into my eyes and smiles, do I feel so completely scared? I haven’t felt this scared in a really long time…and it’s not an untrusting scared, it’s a “wow, you’re a really good man and I’m not quite sure how to take you” kind of scared. Does that make sense?



  168.  #168Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    K2012, thank you. it is possible that people are not right for each other, but they get emotionally attached, so they miss each other. I was just thinking tonight (and talking to a friend) that we were not fully understanding each other. No matter how many times I was saying that I was exhausted from work he said you didn’t do anything for me and I did a lot of things for you. And when I said that now my work stopped being as intense and I am happy to cook you dinner or breakfast or whatever it is you want he was still repeating that I did not do anything for him. I even told him last time we saw each other – I hear a lot of compliments and that you want to be with me, but I
    am not sure you know who I am.

    Anyway – I feel sad and hurt that this connection is dying, and I don’t know if we manage to stay friends, so that is hurtful too.



  169.  #169Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Sirens do you think that me bringing his stuff to his doorman today is offensive to him? Like I am rejecting him?



  170.  #170Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    That’s the thing, dumbcd did what he did and was what he was, but we always got each other. Over one word or one glance we were on the same page. Not always agreeing, but understanding and respecting each other’s view. We could discuss things and grow from it.



  171.  #171Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    LamHis, do you think you will feel more comfortable if you spend more time in his presence and get used to the way he is?



  172.  #172ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Memulo, I would have waited for him to get his stuff. But we are all different.

    I feel it does say hey! get out ! lol but that’s ok ! He’s probably shocked that you don’t care as much as he thought you would at this point.

    Meaning you’d be pleading with him to stick around …

    How much stuff did he leave hanging around anyways lol ?



  173.  #173k2012 on March 10, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Don’t worry about it. No u were not rejecting him at all. U simply took his things back. He was the one rejecting u by breaking off the relationship. And I say this with no intent to hurt your feelings. Don’t worry Memulo. U will be fine. Do u have any more cds? U know although FW reminded me to go where men are in order to meet someone, there is another park in my country that men frequent- a park that host international cricket matches but I am not sure if I would go there by myself. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going there by myself at all. Plus I don’t even like cricket. I feel tired and bored. As I am speaking to u now, I am doing some work at home cause I have a deadline sometime thisd week.



  174.  #174Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    It wasn’t much at all. stuff for his eyes, a towel, a toothbrush. I did not mean for it to be this way.. I feel bad now. But he broke up with me, he broke our date and said over the phone that he wants out. I thought I was doing him a favor.

    I wanted to finish it and not wait around in case he decides to come pick it up. I did put several nice chocolates in the package.



  175.  #175Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Thank you K2012. I don’t really have more cd’s. I have one that wanted to take me out on a second date and acted very excited about me, but he didn’t contact me after the date yet, so maybe I have zero.



  176.  #176Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Frankly, I am not even sure he didn’t have another date on saturday night instead;)



  177.  #177Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    K2012, can you go to that park and read a book lol? Or have ice-cream? I suppose you don’t have to play cricket if you don’t want to.



  178.  #178k2012 on March 10, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Memulo, At that park, it is mainly international and local cricketers who play in a professional capacity who use that park. It is like a stadium as a matter of fact, not really a park come to think of it. The park I went to on Friday was definitely one that was geared towards relaxation. I did take a book I was reading there-Steve Harvey’s second book but spent most of the time on the blog so I didn’t read it. It was wonderful going though. Really wonderful.



  179.  #179ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I think he wanted a reaction out of you memulo… that is my personal belief.
    You didn’t give him one you gave him an OK 😀 ! Which is great ! and then he realized it didn’t work … and he contacted you …



  180.  #180Violette on March 10, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    T returned my message and left another message, basically just talking about himself, and telling me what he’s up to, and suggesting we get together tonight…oh, and he leaves town tomorrow. It’s not like I had any reason not to expect him to behave this way. I do want to acknowledge again that it doesn’t feel good for him to show up out of the past and then not return my call for a few days when he is only here for a few days.

    My point is, I don’t want to call him back, but the old pulling feelings are there.



  181.  #181Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    ArabianLove, he sounded very confident yesterday, like he made up his mind. He didn’t try to talk to me if you know what I mean. So I said Ok right away and thanked him for everything. He said – no problem. Well, he did so much for me;)

    Ohh it’s so sad. Maybe he felt it was a bit too cold yesterday over the phone and texted today, confirming his decision. or he went out on another date and the woman was actually nice to him, so he texted confirming his decision;) I will never know.

    If I try to maintain friendship and contact him for the museum tour will it be stupid?



  182.  #182Memulo on March 10, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    K2012, how about coffee shops?



  183.  #183ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    I don’t think it would be stupid.

    You’d be going as friends – no expectations and then you could really get to know each other … or one of his cute friends hihihi



  184.  #184ArabianLove on March 10, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Oh Violette …
    How I love men like this lol
    you see him the night before he leaves and then the second he comes back from his trip he’s calling you! lol

    Makes me laugh…



  185.  #185k2012 on March 10, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    182-Memulo, I wouldn’t say they are coffee shops as such in my country. They are fast food establishments though. I know a place that I could call a coffee shop. It is an upscale part of town. Haven’t been there in a while. Maybe the best time to go there would be lunchtime, but the place is a good distance from my workplace and the likelihood of meeting men there might be during the week when the place is abuzz with working people. (I am assuming.) So maybe I can go there one Saturday and see what’s it like and then when I am off from work, one day in the week. Thanks for your suggestion, Memulo. Any other suggestions any one? 184-Arabian Love. He is chasing. Well better they chase us. Lol, as we are not supposed to chase them. When they chase us its nice, but only if we want to be chased. For example, long time ex is married and he is chasing me by calling me a number of times and I don’t take his calls. Now I don’t want to be chased by him as that’s a dead end cause he is married. I want to be chased by single men who want a long term commitment. Not men who only want flings and FWB/casual sex.



  186.  #186Emerson on March 10, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    I looked at one of my CDs profile on the dsting site and it feels like leaning forward



  187.  #187butterflies8 on March 11, 2013 at 2:44 am

    What do you do when you meet your soul mate and they push for commitment then want freedom?
    Do you hold that space for them when you’ve. Catch yourself thinking old thoughts?

    or with time positive energy and destiny do you let him find you again when he realizes that a relationship with you is what he needs. But is in transition he is legally separated still needs divorced? Do I just tell him I cannot be his transition or friend w benefits because we can have a future together8 in time. And until then he can see me at a park or for coffee as friends only?



  188.  #188Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 4:09 am

    I am having panic attacks about being alone 😉

    I think I had 3 cd’s in a row who really liked me on the 1st date and then vanished when they found out I have a son.

    And I think my cd prepped someone on the side and switched to her when realized I am not what he needs. No wonder he was so paranoid about my whereabouts, he was afraid I am doing it too.



  189.  #189Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 6:14 am

    When you find yourself focusing on what you don’t want, I want you to do something different. I want you to GET EXCITED!

    WHAT…am I crazy??

    Listen closely to this and you’ll understand why…

    If you know exactly what it is that you DON’T want…

    That means you also know EXACTLY what it is that you DO WANT!

    And that’s worth getting excited about!

    And this works for everything…
    •Attracting money fast
    •Finding your life purpose
    •Making money from your passion
    •Taking inspired action
    •Living a joyous, abundant life
    • EVERYTHING!
    To fully harness the Law of Opposites, this is the key…

    When you catch yourself obsessing on what you don’t want here are the 6 steps you take:

    1.Get excited

    2.Remind yourself that what you DON’T want is the doorway to knowing what you DO want.

    3.IMMEDIATELY take a few minutes to focus on, picture, and write down EXACTLY what it is that you DO WANT. Get into it and really tap into how having what you do want makes you feel.

    4.Ask yourself ‘What one SMALL step can I take right now that will absolutely move me toward what I do want?’ (Make it a SMALL step)

    5.TAKE THE STEP IMMEDIATELY!

    6.Let it go and go on with your day.

    Don’t be scared of what you don’t want…instead use it as a tool to get crystal clear on what you do want and start taking inspired action toward it. And remember to celebrate!

    Go Big!

    Kristen



  190.  #190BeLoved on March 11, 2013 at 6:28 am

    First – I want to thank Mercedes for the awesome inspiration to drag my apathetic a$$ off the couch and take a shower before going grocery shopping yesterday!!!

    Next – I’d appreciate feedback on this –

    T and I talked yesterday and had a great conversation for the most part. I have been considering moving to the city where he lives, and was talking to him about my thoughts and feelings – I was speaking from a vulnerable place, where I felt very connected to my feelings and emotion, I felt real and authentic and admitted I felt ashamed about some of my thoughts and feelings and also said, “I still have feelings for you”.

    He responded, from my perspective, by shifting the entire focus off of of me and on to him.
    He waxed at length about how he still had feelings for me and sort of traipsed off into an imaginal adventure, to see if there was any fear around the idea of us still having feelings for each other, and marveling at how no, there wasn’t any fear.

    I felt a complex mix of feelings and could barely croak out that I felt numb, as if he had taken something away from me by making it all about him. I told him I felt shut down and he suggested we take a break and call each other back in 20 minutes, which we did and it was relatively smooth after that but I never felt like I got back in touch with my vulnerable self, I felt more guarded.

    I have felt this many many many MANY times with him over the years – it honestly feels as if, when I express my softness and vulnerability, a giant Hoover comes along and sucks something out of me, leaving me feeling numb. Once, when I was just starting out on a mosaic project, he asked what I was considering and then took off with the idea, expounding on it in a million directions with ideas that were nothing that I wanted to do or was interested in or could possibly accomplish with the box of blue glass and MDF board I was working on.

    I felt so befuddled that I couldn’t even remember what I had in mind earlier, and couldn’t get it back or the enthusiasm for the project either.

    All of our mutual friends have had similar experiences with him, and it felt so bad that I started reconsidering my plans to move to OR.
    I felt a sinking sense of hopelessness,
    this is what he does and it will never change and this is why I can’t have the kind of deep relationship I want with a man.
    Also sort of a smack in the face reminder of why it felt so frustrating to be a couple with him.
    We moved through it more easily than before, because I didn’t blame and used “I feel/I want/I don’t want/What do you think?”

    I did tell him that when I was expressing vulnerability like that, I want him to set aside his thoughts and feelings and really listen to me.

    He does this brilliantly, often – when I’m talking about someone else or a matter unrelated to him.

    What the heck is going on here, though? I want to know why I feel all sucked out – I wonder if it is energy vampirism, but I really hate to stick anything or anyone with that label.

    I feel curious about this.
    I want to understand.

    I believe I want to understand so I can learn whether it is something *I* am doing and address it.



  191.  #191Rebecca on March 11, 2013 at 6:50 am

    BeLoved,

    When he does this is it possible to stop him or walk away – letting him know this behaviour is unacceptable?



  192.  #192BeLoved on March 11, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Also to add to the mix, when he said there wasn’t any fear or negative feelings around our feelings for each other, I don’t believe him.

    It reminded me of exactly another time when we were first together and having sex, I made a particular move and it was as if someone flipped a switch and his head popped up and he was saying, “Nope, not triggered. Not triggered at all.” Which was a lie, because if he hadn’t been triggered he would have been enjoying the moment.

    It felt eerie to me, the similarity.

    At any rate, I would love to move to OR regardless and I have many many many more friends in the PNW than I have in TX and most of the stuff I love to do is there. I plan on going to school and my dearest dearest most amazing freaking Priestess of Aphro-f*cking-dite who is creating an eco-sexual culture will be close and there are so many other reasons to go, I may rarely even see T.



  193.  #193Rebecca on March 11, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Femininewoman – 188 – Ohhh, this sooooo applies to me right now. Not in relationships but in work…

    My confidence and life feels on the floor. Stepped over and trodden on… all my hopes and dreams…

    I feel scared even saying all this….

    I am going to print out and pin to my wall…

    Thank you.



  194.  #194Rebecca on March 11, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Pftt…

    Why can’t I be confident and self assured??

    I feel shaky, scared and angry with myself.

    I feel wound up and like a tight ball of tightness in my tummy…

    Arggghhhh…



  195.  #195Rebecca on March 11, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Sorry for the negative riffing…



  196.  #196Vi on March 11, 2013 at 7:03 am

    I think this is the first time I experienced the feeling of forgiveness! It feels amazing! It feels like a huge relief and lightweight-ness.. It feels like taking care of myself. It feels like a choice and letting go and agendaless-ness all at once. Omg this feels so amazing almost like an orgasm ) I want to practise it more!! And yay – I am healing!



  197.  #197Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:14 am

    Rebecca, can you think of what’s in your power to change?



  198.  #198Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 7:27 am

    I feel so scared that will never meet another guy who wanted me so badly;)



  199.  #199GlowStix on March 11, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Feeling calm and level today. Nothing intense and feeling normal. I feel much gratitude for my life and everything it gives me…Pleasant and un-pleasant. Happy and sad and everything over, under and in-between. Oh, I do feel excited to go shopping for new carpet.

    Un-certainty is now the past and the present feels smooth and promising. Our relationship seems to have now come to a new level of familiarity and ease. I don’t feel “comfort” exactly…The nature of me doesn’t allow for constant feelings of comfort and i’m moving through that in a new and up-lifting way.

    The move is now under way and going smoothly and I feel free to feel excited : ) The man has been stepping up his game lately, big time and it feels good and also backwards like…Now that i’m in the bag one might think he would get cozy and let loose some slack, and no, he’s not. He’s even more focused on me, even more loving, giving, tender, doing so much for me. Even within his stresses he has let up on some previously existant pressure. I have, in the past months been speaking and communicating and expressing with newfound ease and some kind of energy that feels natural and always authentic and flowing no matter what i’m feeling. His moods are so level now. I’d say we are both different people.

    If I could pick the BEST thing I have “done” or said or felt at ease to express…It would be finally feeling free to share with him my process. I shared with him every part of it from sinking into feelings to how i’m learning to communicate and everything in between. I know that may feel scary to some…Yet, in harmony with this piece…I am totally agenda-less. In everything I say and do, and it shows. It was a HUGE weight off my shoulders. If this man is to be my partner for life, I needed to share “it all” with him. I needed to bare my soul to know I can share every particle of my existance with this man. It felt refreshing and honest and freeing. And when he accepted and understood, even if he didn’t “get it” I felt myself moving to a whole new level and it feels beautiful.

    So, here’s to honesty and sharing and baring our souls and being vulnerable and feeling and open and receptive and free. Here’s to expression! And a to a whole new chapter living with “this man i’m with”. ; )

    cheers!

    xxx



  200.  #200Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 8:17 am

    I feel so sorry for hurting him



  201.  #201Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 8:20 am

    Congrats GlowStix



  202.  #202Mercedes on March 11, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Beloved: You make me smile! 🙂 Thanks to you, I made an amazing nabemono lunch for J and I yesterday. Your store recommendation was PERFECT!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  203.  #203Emerson on March 11, 2013 at 8:25 am

    I think exotic cd has poofed



  204.  #204Emerson on March 11, 2013 at 8:30 am

    I feel ok
    Meh
    Whatever



  205.  #205Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 8:31 am

    I feel like writing to him and apologizing



  206.  #206Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 8:37 am

    Emerson he wasn’t what you wanted. Once he sensed you won’t accept a shady behavior he poofed. Good, your time is not wasted



  207.  #207Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 8:41 am

    FW is so fed up with me and my self-caused dramas that she is not commenting on any of it;)



  208.  #208Emerson on March 11, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I am not feeling inspired to date right now.



  209.  #209Emerson on March 11, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Thanks memulo
    Perhaps
    I feel kind of weird like highs and lows of dating are tiresome..



  210.  #210Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Emerson I think we all feel this way once in a while. But when you find someone you really like it all feels worthwhile, I remember this feeling



  211.  #211Femininewoman on March 11, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Memulo I am not fed up. I am cognizant of “accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference”.



  212.  #212Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Thank you FW.

    I realized something. He was very nice to me when he could control me, when I did what he wanted me to do. If I did not, he got upset, not very reasonable and at times plane rude. I felt that nothing that I said was heard. Or on another day the same argument started again, as if I did not explain myself already. Maybe I am being not fully fair but it’s veryclose to my perception of the events.



  213.  #213Memulo on March 11, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Funny enough that 3 weeks before the split, of which 1 over week he was away on vacation he wrote me a card saying that I make him want to settle down, I inspire him to work and live and he feels very fortunate to have met me.
    Looks like I was right to take all these lavishing compliments with a grain of salt.



  214.  #214ALA on March 11, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Memulo- that was your gift to him, He feels blessed by your presence- WoW1…You want to OWN that empowerment!!!



  215.  #215k2012 on March 11, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I am exhausted till I can’t even move.



  216.  #216giftoflove on March 12, 2013 at 12:41 am

    Feeling exhausted here too…In a good way though

    That me and 1cd are creating a life together that is healthy and happy for us individually.

    That he realizes I would never hurt him and a huge wow that a lot of our previous problems were from past relationships. Now we can use that yin yang energy as one. Paint the walls and smile knowing our time is only as far away as we need it to be. That are woke home will be warm balanced and full of everything it needs.

    God does grant us serenity… I will toast to him on that one day and forever as a family. So proud of him doing what was needed for this to work and showing me what I needed to do to love me and show him the attractive sexual positive happy loving future we are always creating
    so I will rest and awake with a smile in knowing there is no need to question anything with an open forgiving heart.
    happy anniversary!
    xxx



  217.  #217Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    Giftoflove – that was so beautiful



  218.  #218k2012 on March 12, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Great gift of Love. Tonight I am tired AGAIN. This time of the year is stressful at work for me, so much that I am working from home on thursday and friday and doing so as I speak. Oh boy.



  219.  #219giftoflove on March 13, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Thanks FeminineWoman!

    K2012 Maybe you need to care for yourself enough to tell your work that enough is enough.

    My Mom and Aunt was there for me today. I told her that I am going to do what he did to me. She said so you are going to try to change him. I said know I can guide him but its his choice to go or stay. Even if that he has to fix many things in his life. And regardless if I end up with me or not. I’m loving God first and me second. Whether he is in my future or not is not just up to him like he thinks it is.

    I always understood that love from God was what brings the gift of love. Today after I got off the phone with her immediately I heard

    If you are care less with your heart then you have little faith. If you lack in love you need to let go of being fear full and become Fear Less and full of faith that by the grace and love of Jesus is how the gift of love is given by grace, faith and loving God for loving you enough.

    Care that God loves you and think and mediate on that you will be full of love.
    I am done being selfish thinking that I am enough and that any man can make or break me. No way! God loves me and I love me and if he cannot care enough to see the gifts of God and his love. We can only make it by the grace of God and first we must choose to accept whatever Gods plans are even if his answers are not exactly when we want them

    God will answer with love always that gives me peace.
    until I meet whoever he is God is more than enough…



  220.  #220Marcy on March 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Hi. I love reading all of your advice.
    My story is this: I have been doing quite a bit of online dating over the past 3 months. I’ve kept seeing one guy, and continue to meet more, usually just for 1 or 2 dates, it’s not really clicking with them so far.
    Earlier in this phase, I had two really wonderful dates with a guy–we clicked, had chemistry, we had great phone and text/email exchanges. A couple of days after our 2nd date, several things in my life got just crazy. My best friend had a stroke (she had cancer) and then passed away within two weeks, my exhusband found out he has cancer, we had a wild blowup at work that I had to sort out, my sister had some crazy life changes….and that’s not all. Suffice to say, I didn’t get much sleep, I wasn’t thinking clearly or well, and my communication with this fellow got more sporadic and just kind of off. I wrote him an overly forward message about how much fun I had with him and how attractive he was. And I could just feel myself being really off kilter. Finally straw was that I texted him a couple time accidentally, to the person whose name is above his in my phone (not a smart phone)–nothing weird, but it was awkward. When I did that, I felt stupid; I am usually such a capable person. After the 2nd time I wrote and apologized and said I should just take his name off my contacts so I don’t keep doing it (now this just seems stupid to me–don’t know why I was so embarrased). He wrote back “It made me laugh. But you’re a terrific woman and are going to make some guy really lucky. Best of luck to you.”
    I wrote back to explain I was rattled from all my life stuff (he didn’t know much about all this, we only had two dates and they were before it all started) and that I still would love to hear from him. No response. A week later I ran across an article that had relevance to something we’d discussed, so I wrote to say I had wanted to share it with him and couldn’t believe I was so silly in my grief and sleep deprivation that I took his name off my phone and even worse told him. But he never responded.
    I don’t know if time can be on my side here and I can reach out again in a few weeks or months if I want to. I don’t want to keep apologizing, because now that I have my sanity back, it all seems ridiculous and nothing to really feel badly about. Is it worth giving any effort to? I really did like him and he seemed to make it clear that he really liked me, until I started acting like a wacko.
    Thanks



  221.  #221Marcy on March 15, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    And by the way, I was kind of acting like someone I wouldn’t want to date. More just overly enthusiastic about responding to texts (nothing obnoxious, just subtly)…..unlike my normal self completely.



  222.  #222Rori Raye on March 16, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Marcy, Hi – The problem here is how much energy you’re expending on this man, pursuing him, apologizing, considering yourself “off” – when what needs to happen is just love yourself – no matter WHAT!!! and Leanback. If a man isn’t all over you – no matter WHAT! – Just dissolve the compelling-ness of wanting to DO something around him. I know that feelings of anxiety feel better when we DO stuff – and that’s the challenge here – to see what happens if you do NOTHING. Love,Rori



  223.  #223offoramaka on March 16, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I must really commend you for the rare but wonderful job you are doing with ladies on the dating scene. My problem right now is of two-folds.
    First of all, I want to purchase your audio books like ‘modern siren’ online, but my country (Nigeria) is not included in the list of countries available, so I can’t do that.
    Secondly, to the real problems I have, I have had so much head-breaking relationships, that right now I don’t feel emotionally qualified to venture into another relationship. However I must confess that no one really modeled the real picture of what a healthy and stable relationship really looks like to me,(i.e my parents), so I guess I unconsciously grew up with a lot of wrong and scrambled notion on how this thing should work. I am the control-freak type and I know I got that from my mum, and I am also full of self-pride. I know these are relationship killers,but I really don’t know how to help myself to change. I feel like I need to be tutored like a baby on how these things work and how to understand the psychology of men because right now I can’t boast of one good relationship in my entire life on the dating scene (I feel so much like a bum-magnet). I want to be taught in details, every stage of a relationship and how to man its wheels because I really don’t have a clue on how to work this thing one bit. From the attraction stage to the friendship stage, down to the commitment stage, every single bit of it because I feel like I am going totally off men and losing men like a careless child with her toys. There is this guy who is on the ‘website’, but it’s like every word I utter or move I make in response, just pushes him further away from me, and I am almost going crazy right now because I feel he is losing his ‘attraction’ for me and I can’t afford that anymore. I really need your help and I anticipate a kind and prompt response from you.
    Thanks for your patience,
    Amaka



  224.  #224Rori Raye on March 16, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    offoramaka, Welcome – and can you get the ebook? If not – just read everything you can here, learn the communication style of Feeling Messages…and we’ll all help you. Love, Rori



  225.  #225tabatha on March 21, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Finally progress! I started your Targeting Mr. Right program a bit over a year ago. I was so excited about getting my power back and that I was going to meet the man of my dreams. I started dating many men none to whom I was attracted. Then I met a guy and fell for him and did a redo of a previous toxic relationship but used the tools and got out quickly. I still couldn’t find that illusive self-esteem though! Or at least I thought so.
    I got sucked into the vortex of physical attraction and addicted to getting sexual attention off men. I found it hard to say no to them and of course, they moved on quickly after I was intimate with them. Then I decided I would not have sex with a man unless he was making a concerted effort with me. I turned down quite a few men for sex and weathered the loneliness.
    Then I became needy and started becoming physically intimate with men again straight away after meeting them. I felt rejected and used when I didn’t hear from them again. I realised I wanted their validation.
    Now I’m happy to say, I’ve finally worked it out! I thought that I could only ever be a short-term option for men but more and more I’m seeing myself as a long-term, girl of men’s dreams type. It took a lot of blows to my self-esteem before I could actually see the reality. I’m not sure why but this was just my way of finding the truth. I don’t feel as desperate, or that I have to be sexy all the time, or rejected when men look past me. Now I’m only interested in the men who really SEE me and show interest and finding that more and more appealing.
    I don’t even feel like I have to go on dating sites or out to pubs to find them. I’m very active and social and know that HE will find me if I just stay centred and composed and don’t feel like I’m LOOKING all the time.
    I’m finally optimistic about someone falling for me, because I’m a great catch, rather than fearing being overlooked by someone I esteem to be great and out of my league. I’m the yummy pie!!!!



  226.  #226Rori Raye on March 21, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    tabatha – BRAVA to YOU!!! This is such an amazing story, and thank you for telling it – it’s so inspiring! Can’t wait to hear what happens next for you… Love, Rori



  227.  #227Jess on April 3, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I’d appreciate some help on how I could have said a feeling message for the following situation.

    This man I’ve gotten to know a bit on the phone (long-distance), was supposed to come down and see me in 2 days. Today he calls and says that because of some work-related problems, he can’t come and he’s not sure when he can come.

    Now, I hardly know this guy. I sort of decided that I wouldn’t be too interested in him until we met physically. I know that he too wants it that way.

    So the question is how should I have responded with a feeling message to the situation. Since I hardly know him, I felt that I couldn’t say I feel disappointed or I feel …anything. I just felt tongue tied and said, ohh…it is ok, sort out your job stuff etc He said he will call me as soon as he had some clarity. There was a bit of awkwardness on both sides. Me sounding unnaturally cheery. But really, I couldn’t see how else I could have acted.

    My real feeling, yeah disappointed cos I had been looking forward to the meeting (would have been nice to discover if we had anything in common). But after the first disappointment, I’m ok. We’ll meet when we meet, or not. Life goes on.

    Comments appreciated.



  228.  #228Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Jess I believe the the disappointment is there showing you that you already have too much expectations laden on this stranger that you have not yet met.

    The tongue tied feeling might be an indication that freezing is your flight/fright method of choice. This awareness is what you need to help yourself to change this pattern. Also an opportunity to realize that this is a situation that will likely come up again and it would be good for you to practice by preparing your LoveScript.

    Also you decided that you wouldn’t be interested but these feelings are showing you that you did become interested. Being able to identify what happened that changed that could be good to become aware of yourself and what lights your fires of attraction.

    You sounding unnaturally cheery is great awareness and you observing a pattern that you can work on changing. There is no need for acting. As a matter of fact I believe just saying “Ohhh, thanks for letting me know” would have been quite enough. “Sort out your job stuff” seems like breaking the 4 rules. Giving a man instruction and going into control speak. Do you have Rori’s eBook? Bear in mind having things in common does not guarantee chemistry or romance.

    How long have you been speaking on the phone? I would lean back and let him contact me now. This might be a pattern he is establishing with you. Break a date because of work. A man who keeps his word might be more important to you than you realize. A long distance relationship might not be what you are looking for. I would say mentally friendzone him it might help your bodily reactions.



  229.  #229Jess on April 4, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Interesting cooments Femininewoman. I shall mull over them deeply.

    We just spoke afew times. At first it was comfortable conversations, but somewhere along the line we both became wary and stopped talking until we met in person. The phone calls now are brief, just to discuss logistics. I really have nothing to say or ask. Neither does he. He’s a widower (oh btw we are both middle-aged). And I suspect, rather know actually, that he still idolises his deceased wife and no one will ever match up and he will never commit – i already asked him, is your intention to get married, and he said ‘I don’t know, but I would really love to know.’ The wife has been gone 15 years and he’s had several relps. So i decided not to take it seriously and just treat it as a CD. He was coming to my city for another job-related purpose and so asked if we could meet. Then things happened and now he has to figure out new dates.

    Yeah, really there’s nothing in it other than I like his picture!! There’s alot about him actually which I’m wary about!!

    Strangely, I may have another man who I’ve talked to sporadically on the phone about a year ago, also long distance, who is coming to my city in a few weeks. He says he’s looking forward to meeting me. I agreed but I’m not sure why!! Just treat it as a CD I suppose. Nice to have someone wanting to meet you? He lives so far away on the other side of the world, that there is no way to develop it even if we happen to like each other etc! Well, let’s see… who turns up and who doesn’t 🙂

    Thanks !



  230.  #230Ally o on April 7, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    I am not so young. I met someone who is not strictly single.
    When I see him I am totally myself. We talk about so many interesting things. He’s gorgeous as well.
    I make him smile too.
    He’s a mountain, he’s a lintel and a doorpost.
    I have taken lintel and doorpost and put them inside me to make me stronger on the inside, so I am free to be softer on the outside.
    I mostly stay away out of respect, but a talk with him puts a smile on my face (and everywhere) for weeks.

    I guess ? I need to have a conversation where I ask about his partner, and what that is.

    where i say it feels bad to be the one who makes contact
    where i invite him to be the one

    Scared I will say the wrong thing.

    On a positive note actually its while we are not possible, that there is a lot of space to ask his stance on things that matter to ME

    Agendaless- good idea.

    I wish I could afford the scripts program



  231.  #231Rori Raye on April 7, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Ally – Please think on this: When I see him I am totally myself – and then this: Scared I will say the wrong thing. – To me – these don’t match. We’ll help you, if you can tell us more about what you’re contact is…AND – I don’t care what your age – there’s a way to Circular Date – you can find available men. And I’m all for polyamory as long as there’s no lying – so think on that, too. Love, Rori



  232.  #232Ally o on April 8, 2013 at 1:45 am

    THANK you for replying. His night work enabled me to hang out in the office, and did so about once a fortnight while living there.

    Since then could only see him, by visiting, for a chat, which is OK with him. I do about once a month. and feel gorgeous for weeks!

    Recently have asked myself what are the gifts he brings me? and have embraced THEM so that i dont feel i NEED him, to be complete. the outer relationship feels freer to become whatever it will.
    the gifts were ‘doorpost/ lintel /mountain’
    In fact have done that for all the unavailable men I have been attracting! and attracted to. it helped me let them go, by strengthening ME, on the inside..
    I got this from “The Inner Lover” by Valerie Harms

    now what? he’s fun to be with- ie i can relax and say be do whatever, I want to. conversation FLOWS.

    the juicy feelings remain a backdrop, enjoyed, but not voiced or acted on. dont know how to let him know without leaning forward, that i want him to come towards me, that i want to lean back, but Im not rejecting his friendship.

    and while i have this not too invested limbo, is a good time to ask more about his values, lifestyle to see if there ARE actually any deal breakers I dont know about yet.

    as for CD, I have learnt how to SMILE, be a girl, be alive, walking around my life. I have other attention happening, but they are less available, and less attractive to me. I dont get invited out. I dont meet many nice men. I dont really like the way SINGLE men rush you.
    sick of attracting men with unfinished mother issues, because they leave bruises.

    determined not to be ‘attentive’ with this man, not even tooo appreciative, I let him make ME the tea. move my belongings to my new flat.

    mmm what else could i let him do? help me find a job in his favourite places.
    i know what i can do
    1. dress for next (last?) visit
    2. invite him to use his knowledge of my address
    3. let him know I cant keep visiting, but would like to keep seeing him, and let HIM do the problem solving, or not.

    definitely into (these days) finding out who someone is, IE their character, BEFORE my feelings get intense, and before they touch me, so i usually put up prickles- sigh! and i stop short of saying the things that would stir myself up, and get me dropped like a hotcake.

    I also retain right to be clever, intelligent -and tall.

    this man’s character is very admirable. prob doesnt include unfaithfulness. yet he goes on holiday with all his mates a lot more than his partner. Has dreams he cant have with her. hasnt taken the step of marrying her. knows through an early outburst of honesty from me that i wont settle for less!

    this comment is long enough. i appreciate your help, very humbling. bless you.



  233.  #233Hayley on April 11, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Hi Rori,

    I’m not sure if I am able to send questions about relationship advice on this part of the website, but I’ll give it a go anyway.

    I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months now. “Seeing” as in texting, and getting together maybe once every two weeks. We met through a friend at a birthday party and hit it off right away. I honestly never thought I’d talk to him again when we said goodbye although something was pulling at my heart that I’d love to talk to this man again. A few hours later I received a Facebook “friend request” from him (I was contemplating requesting him first but he did the deed!). After I had my girly moment and was so excited, I decided I wanted to message him privately over Facebook. I am usually the girl who will approach a guy first, I am pretty confident, so I decided to wait a few days before contacting him. However, when I went to go message him a few days later, I noticed he had messaged me days earlier and I never got it! I had ANOTHER girly moment and was so excited! We ended up starting a relationship over texting for a few days then we started getting together and we have had really great times. I even found out a couple months into us seeing each other that he had called 2 people to get my info right after we met so he could contact me. Woohoo!

    So I’m sure you’re wondering what the kicker is, huh? Well, he is in medical school. He wants to be a surgeon, and has barely any time to actually hang out with me. But ever since he has been back in school, his texts are sporadic. He might wait almost a week to text me, then text me a few days in a row, then not text again for a few days to a week. Also, he has never come to my house, I have always gone to his. He keeps telling me he wants to come over, but hasn’t made the effort. I am very open and confident and don’t chase him and he knows it. And he still for some reason wants to see me. But a lot of times he initiates sex conversations. It’s stepping a bit out of my comfort zone sometimes, but if I don’t want to have sex conversations, I’ll tell him and he is respectful of it.

    I have taken a lot of good advice and I am truly living my life, but when I don’t get a text from him in a week, it kind of bums me out. I am keeping my options open and, as a yoga instructor, I truly try to focus on centering myself and not thinking about him so much, but it is hard! It’s been a week since I have gotten a text and I know I won’t text him, but it’s a bummer if he doesn’t text me again. I have a feeling he will, but, I can’t wait around for him to be available! But a part of me wants to!

    Why does he think it’s ok to not text me for so long?! Do men just not think about it enough? There is no way that he is THAT busy!

    SIncerely,

    (Hanging by a thread)
    Hayley



  234.  #234Rori Raye on April 11, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    Hayley – Med school is just a deep cave. I doubt he comes up for air at all – and it’s true: “out of sight, out of mind” – and that’s why long distance sucks. My suggestion – learn everything you can here about Feeling Messages. NOTHING draws a man in like that. Use them in Texts – short, use the “…” at the end…there are posts on that around here, and there’s Michael Fiore’s book on it too (I like my method better…) http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/go/textromance/ and Circular Date like a crazy, happy, fun, light-hearted woman! Love, Rori



  235.  #235Ally on April 12, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Thursday, 11 April 2013 @ 9:38am – that was me too. Was any of it good?

    I feel sick with longing, not because i havent seen him
    – ( i make myself wait for weeks before calling in)

    but because i think ive destroyed his friendship

    I dont know what to DOOOOO.!