Your Dream Can Happen No Matter How Bad You Feel Now- Success Story!

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redheartfatHere’s an amazing Success Story from Vinita:

Dear Rori,

I wanted to write you for some time to express my deep gratitude for your work…

I am 43 years old and, last Thursday, got engaged to the Man of my Dreams (in fact, better than I have dreamt for…he’s a younger (mid-thirties) guy who as awesome a guy I would have wanted at any stage in my life…)

A little over a year ago, I was feeling terrible because another, honestly Imaginary relationship had blown up with the guy basically telling me that I was good for sex but not good for marriage and, while walking around the next day, I had the thought that I should get Targeting Mr.Right…I already had Siren…however, I was so in my Masculine at the time that I simply didn’t even ‘get’ these tools (now I love them and use them all the time)…

After getting TMR, I practiced ALL the time…I probably went on 40 or so ‘real’ dates – some lead to more dates or short relationships and I kept holding onto the idea that this was Practice…I read your blog and the revised eBook and did the tools everywhere with All Men – including my Dad, my brother, my colleagues…and it was Amazing…

I got triggered ALL the time and find out that, far from being the ‘sane and healthy’ person I thought I was, I was sitting on all kinds of ‘junk’ – assumptions, anger, resentment, weird ideas, childhood conditioning, etc. and I started to realize how all kinds of things were ‘running’ me…how I could be dishonest, how much I stuffed, how much I over functioned and I could see myself doing these things…

Anyway, fast-forward a little over a year and there I was, at a technical event, when Mr.Right walked in – and it was Exactly as you said – a) he would recognize me and b) he would be some kind of ‘strange animal’…and both of these things were true – he was different – better – than anyone I have ever dated…

He kept Leaning Forward, pursuing, connecting, being the Masculine Energy partner in every way and I, well, I kept Leaning Back, kept Circular Dating, gave the ‘No Girlfriend’ speech and kept being In Love with My Own Life.

Much to my complete and utter surprise, after about 6 weeks of meeting each other, we went to party hosted by one of my friends and (having pre-arranged with my friend – who he had never met but found her number on the Internet and cold-called her), got down on one knee, proposed and gave me a Tiffany diamond ring.

I feel So Blessed – he is Everything I was looking for – superficially and at the deeper values and approach to life perspectives.

I know this would never have happened if it wasn’t for the attitudes and philosophy I learned from your work.

Huge Thank You Rori!!

All Best,


Little post-script: We set a date and are getting married this June (venue is booked)!


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  1.  #1Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 8:36 am

    I miss the way this blog used to be. Back when we could check in here to find new tools and advice and bits of coaching. This post and the last 5 behind it have been either testimonials, referrals for other coaches (who can fix your relationship for you), referrals for another website or sales pitches for coaching or coach training. 🙁 It’s not the same…

    Much Love,

  2.  #2Waterfall on April 25, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I am looking for some advice. I have just split up from my boyfriend of nearly a year and as a woman I am feeling devastated.He treated me very, very badly. I never knew where I stood with him and he wasn’t able to commit to me.

    Basically I felt used by him. I hung around waiting for him like a damp sponge. He saw me when it suited him and I never got a say in the matter.

    He used to go home every weekend to his family as his dad was very, very sick and he told me that he was the only one to take care of him. For some reason I felt that he was making this up because it always felt like an excuse to avoid me.

    The final straw came when I asked him to maybe take one Saturday off visiting his parents to come to my mother’s 70th Birthday. I had asked him months in advance and he kept gushing about how much he liked my mum and that he wanted to be there. But as it got closer to the time and making travel arrangements I noticed that he hadn’t mentioned it at all and this left me with a feeling of nausea that he was going to come up with an excuse to get out of it.

    I tentatively mentioned the subject and I got barely any response from him. It felt to me like he was trying to avoid me talking about it. So I kept tentatively asking him about it. One minute he would be definitely coming along, and the next minute he didn’t know what his plans were and he would still have to speak to his family about it. To me it all felt like excuses because we had had months to plan for this trip yet now it was only in a weeks time and I felt like he wasn’t even interested in talking about it.

    The final straw came when out of desperation I tentatively asked him what his decision was and he reacted by biting my head off and saying to me in a kurt manner that there was no-way he could possibly know until she had spoken to his parents.

    Anyway, I finally plucked up the courage to say I needed a break from us because we were both feeling under pressure. I dug my heels in and finally he accepted.

    What was weird though – was when he did finally accept he seemed completely relieved like he had been thinking it all along. He then started talking to me like he was my advisor telling me I was attractive and that I deserved to be happy.

    At this point I felt even more confused. I felt like it had been my idea to end the relationship yet he seemed so happy and relieved like it was an everyday occurrence to him.

    On some very deep, dark level I felt that he didn’t really like me or consider me someone worth getting to know. I can’t put my finger on why but that is how I felt. There was always a barrier there – like he was never in the relationship at all.

    Even when I finished it she was like ‘Okay, goodbye and good luck!’ – it felt very, very weird, like I had meant so little to his life. He just seemed like an empty vessel looking for the next piece of totty to fill him up. He had realised I was never going to and rather than having the guts to tell me that he just emotionally pulled away from me.

    I found him completely emotionally draining. All he would talk about was himself. She was not interested in me or my needs. Whenever I brought up what I wanted I just got glared at like I was the most selfish person in the world. No-one needs to feel like that.

    He just came across as really flighty. One minute he had time for me, the next minute not. To be honest I never knew when I was going to see him from one day to the next. He kept me dangling on a piece of string. I just wanted love and security but he couldn’t give me that.

    I never felt comfortable with him. Something was missing and I don’t know what it is. Maybe on some level I found him to have too many barriers. He had a very dark humour which often felt rude and callous. It was really not me and I felt uncomfortable around him. It’s like he viewed me as an object and this made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why but I felt tense and nervous around him – I never knew what he was going to say or do and it always felt erratic.

    But also she could be incredibly funny and sexy and he more or less laughed me into bed. I liked that he seemed very, very sexually attracted to me – but unfortunately the relationship had no real substance. If I wanted someone to talk to he was never there for me. If I wanted someone to do things with he was never there with me. It was always a case of me having to do my stuff alone and he would meet me afterwards. I just felt alone in the relationship.

    If I didn’t want to do something with him then I would be punished and he wouldn’t want to do something with me. In fact he never wanted to do anything with me. It was just endless and it felt like a long and miserable road ahead.

    I actually can not see why he was with me at all. What was in it for her? I just felt like I was someone to cuddle him and listen to his problems but it did not seem like a real relationship – there was no friendship there. He never wanted to get to know me.

    I feel so used and full of anger..

    Grrrr… why me??

    Then when I went to dump her she managed to turn it around that she couldn’t give me what I needed. I feel she is just a drama queen. All I got from her was drama, drama, drama…

    Please give me some advice, no matter how tough I would like to hear it..

  3.  #3Waterfall on April 25, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Sorry, I meant he not she! I was messing around and writing from a mans point of view!

  4.  #4Helena Hart on April 25, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Waterfall – 2 – Sorry to hear you’re going through a hard time right now! It doesn’t sound like this was the right relationship for you. You said he treated you badly, you never knew where you stood with him, and he was unable to commit to you.

    Sometimes we stay in relationships like this because the “highs” feel so good that it keeps us hanging on during the “lows.” And sometimes we stay because that’s all we feel we deserve, or we think there might not be anything else out there for us.

    My advice would be to practice loving yourself and getting in touch with what it is YOU want – and Circular Dating up a storm to experience men who really DO want to get to know you and realize how amazing you are!

    Love, Helena

  5.  #5Femininewoman on April 25, 2014 at 9:58 am

    I know what you mean Mercedes

  6.  #6Daria on April 25, 2014 at 10:13 am

    oh shut up Mercedes

    FW u too



  7.  #7Daria on April 25, 2014 at 10:14 am

    this post feels inspiring to me!!! yayyayayayay 🙂

    i feel a lil sad about the voice of the blog too mostly about the comment section

    this is all in my head tho i can turn this around with my perception shift

    i feel good here, triggered in new ways, feeling lonelya nd a bit disconnected

    feeling afraid to step in masculine energy

    feeling afraid to share fears reading siren’s stories


    i love ALLL my feelings

  8.  #8Daria on April 25, 2014 at 10:15 am

    now i feel panicked about my joke

    i was just kidding M and FW…

  9.  #9Daria on April 25, 2014 at 10:16 am

    in the past week i rewatched the whole Modern Siren

    and have now started on Targeting mr Right

  10.  #10Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:16 am

    FW & Mercedes,
    Something about the blog
    since it switched to this new post feels off…
    not sure what it is?
    I feel scared saying this…

  11.  #11Daria on April 25, 2014 at 10:17 am

    this blog is ON again

    it feels powerful!

    it’s whatever i want it to be!!

    wooohhaaaaaa heeeeyaaaaaaaa

    carbon mind power!!!

  12.  #12Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Daria: 🙂 I think of you often and hope you are well!! And…I can take a joke. lol

    It just feels so weird and different. Not like it was a year or so ago (and more). Just very…ummmm….I don’t know…sales pitchy. I know…that’s not a word.

    But…it’s not my blog so I’m not specifically asking for change. I’m just saying I miss the way it was.

    Much Love,

  13.  #13Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Thank you FW. Feels good to not be alone in this.

    Azure Blu…for me it’s more than just this post but yeah…this one in particular isn’t even a Rori post at all. Not even a comment from her at the end…

    Waterfall…I so remember feeling that way. Please know that you deserved to be cherished by a man. You deserve a relationship where you don’t look back and find all these negative things to remember. Sometimes I think being treated badly is “okay” with us because the familiar bad treatment is a lot less scary than being alone and being uncertain. Trust me….familiar bad treatment is NOT better than any alternative. Things will get better. I’m sure of it!!

    Much Love,

  14.  #14LoveAlways on April 25, 2014 at 10:25 am

    This so sweet! I love to read success stories about Rori’s programs! It changed my life too – I understand the need to share the beauty of it.

  15.  #15Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Actually…now that I think of it…I realize when I became aware of the “shift” in the blog and in the coaching and tools offered here. It was when I first read about the “settling him in” (or something like that) tool. It took me by such surprise because it is soooooo far away from anything else we’ve ever been told here that it sort of put me on alert to the differences in the direction this is all going.

    Yes…I do think that’s when I noticed it and that feeling has never really left.

    Just processing that out. Not sure why it feels so uncomfortable for me.

    Much Love,

  16.  #16Violette on April 25, 2014 at 10:37 am

    I’ve gone out with P about 4 times now. He’s 20 years older than me and looks it, and a little square, but he seemed so into me and interesting I’ve been willing to continue.

    He lives a 30 min train ride from me, a pricey one at least to me, and I live in the city. He already once asked me to come to him for dinner and I said I preferred to stay closer to home. So he came in again for a couple of dates.

    Today he cancelled our day plans (which is fine, I would have cancelled if he didn’t, too busy, but it was the nonchalantess of it), and wants me to come out to him again for dinner. I got a sense it was because he is tired.

    I texted him honestly that I understand about the cancelling and that dinner is find but I don’t feel good about paying to take a train to a guy for a date, what did he think? He replied that relationships are a give a take, that he’s already been generous about money, and that this is about if WANT to come and see him. And it should be a two way street.

    I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t even feel it deserves a reply.

    I don’t even like him very much anyway, and he’s treating me like I bring nothing to the table.

    What I would really do if I had the courage would be to go off on him in a text, just speak my mind and tell him off. I’m not that brave.

    Does anyone have any feedback?

  17.  #17Violette on April 25, 2014 at 10:42 am

    I feel so OVER having men say ridiculous things to me!! I feel so angry I could punch a hole in the wall!!!!

  18.  #18Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Violette: If it were me and I didn’t care if I ever saw him again, I’d probably say something like: “Yes. I agree. Relationships are a two way street. However, when it comes to dating, I prefer a more traditional man who feels empowered and manly when he picks a woman up, takes her out and treats her like a lady.”

    You see, from my perspective, if you want a man who comes to you instead of asking you to come to him, then you should be dating men who want that also. Otherwise, you are dating a man who you want to change. And that doesn’t work. If you date men who want to come to you and then, when the mood strikes, you surprise him by going to him every once in a while, it becomes a two way street and you both get what you want. Sounds to me like this guy is looking for 50/50 (or less) and that 50/50 (or less) isn’t what YOU want when it comes to going to see him, spending money, etc.

    And PS…I feel the same way you do.

    Much Love,

  19.  #19Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:48 am

    I do remember the “settling him in” post
    I think there were several comments about it being off.
    Not seeming to be the same direction Rori had been teaching….

    you are right
    this blog is whatever I want it to be!

  20.  #20Helena Hart on April 25, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Violette – 16 – There are a few different routes you could go here, but I’d say trust and follow your feelings above anything else.

    Since you were honest with him and already told him that it doesn’t feel good to you to pay to travel to him for dates – and his response didn’t feel good to you at all – if it were me, this would start to feel like “too much effort” (especially so early on since you’ve only been out a couple times) and I wouldn’t reply.

    But you get to explore and experiment – if you feel like replying, you could try it and see what happens. To me, it seems as though your instincts are right on here, so you want to really trust those feelings.

    Love, Helena

  21.  #21Violette on April 25, 2014 at 10:54 am

    This guy is way too old and ugly for me anyway! I’m way younger and hotter than he is. Not to be catty, but seriously here….

  22.  #22Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Violette 16,
    I feel excited reading your post!!
    My thoughts are:
    This is a perfect time to practice telling YOUR truth!
    Rori says we are CDing to practice and learn all about ourselves…
    You don’t have anything to loose…
    Tell him using FW (what Mercedes mentioned)
    Your feelings.
    I have noticed every time I tell MY TRUTH in FM (sometimes not so sireny) I LOVE MYSELF more!
    Free therapy!!!

  23.  #23Violette on April 25, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Thanks Mercedes and Helena, you’re input feels good to hear.

  24.  #24Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 10:59 am

    oops I meant FM not FW…. :->

  25.  #25Violette on April 25, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Yes Azure Blue, thank you too. I feel really grateful for the helpful replies!

  26.  #26Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 11:46 am

    “I was sitting on all kinds of ‘junk’ – assumptions, anger, resentment, weird ideas, childhood conditioning, etc. and I started to realize how all kinds of things were ‘running’ me…” So true f my experience with working with the tools. So good to see them drop away one by one.

  27.  #27Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 11:51 am

    I feel so inspired and ignited by the success of others. I love the blog. What I miss though is the activity in the comments section. I used to find it hard to keep up there was so much sharing and processing and riffing and support. There still is but the volume has decreased and I feel sad that more Siren’s don’t join in to replace those who have left. Oh well. I love having so many coaches and sirens here. I feel at home. I feel the love and support.

  28.  #28Azure Blu on April 25, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    I am going on my 5th date tonight with JD…
    I am feeling very anxious…
    always scary for me…
    thought of me being more vulnerable
    more emotional intimacy
    Should I let him pick me up at my house (I havn’t let him yet)
    He is surprising me with moving this forward in a masculine way…
    I just got out of a 4 month intimate relationship so am still recovering from that…
    I want to relax and enjoy the evening…
    What tools should I be using???
    any ideas darling sirens?

  29.  #29Daria on April 25, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Rori has mentioned that she is now concentrating on training the new coaches rather than client-geared material

  30.  #30Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Daria: I hadn’t heard that. That explains a lot. Doesn’t take away from the fact that I miss the way it used to be but it does help me understand why it would change.

    Does that mean the content will continue to shift in the direction of other coaches then as well? Or did she mention blog content??

    Much Love,

  31.  #31Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Kyla: I too miss some of the long conversations and consistent conversation. One sure fire way to bring that back is to have someone say something very controversial and then defend their point from every single attack in a very “thinking” kind of way…throw in a few personal attacks and BAM! Conversation that will go on for days!! 🙂 LOL

    (just speaking from experience…)

    Much Love,

  32.  #32Iris on April 25, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Hey Ladies,

    Finally just purchased Rori’s complete collection! Yay! I’m so excited! Reason why I finally got it is because I just recently got into a relationship, and the level of intimacy is freaking me out! Can someone suggest which program I should start with? I already read the e-book.

  33.  #33Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    I feel despondent when I read the article with that extra emphasis on getting into deep love relationships after getting all the programs, there’ll be abundance in time to get the programs, my own time, my own time, my own time.

    I wonder how much I decide to put up with in order to just keep the momentum of things going. It doesn’t help me, keeps me stuck in places I don’t want to be. I can get off of that inertia anytime, because I love myself.

    I feel sad reading how the blog isn’t kicking with life like it used to. There’s a bit of panic – I don’t want the blog to die/end : (

    I miss Elsie being here and I miss Indigo

  34.  #34Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Lol Mercedes! That’s so true. I do love triggers for all the ‘crap’ inside that we bring out into the light for an airing and a chance to review, make a new choice, heal. I enjoy a good mental debate 😉
    I love hearing different perspectives and trying them on. I can’t help but enjoy a little bit of drama lol its a good way to find your sense of humour and lighten up again 😀
    I learn so much about me through how I perceive others.

  35.  #35Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Iris, I started with Modern Siren and just worked my way through. Rori sends a suggestion for where to start depending on where you are.. its in the welcome email I think. Congrats!

  36.  #36sweet goddess on April 25, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Hi Sirens

    I have a very loving man who heals me with his love and treats me like a princess.
    my life´s goal is now to get rid of my junk…….I also have so so much of it. I feel triggered all the time by any and everyone close to me…most of all my girlfriends….
    I feel so vulnerable and almost ashamed saying this but I also feel competitive and jealous of my girlfriends… and I guess that´s why they reflect the same to me… I also feel afraid that women will find out rori and then they will use the tools to take my husband away.. his ex girl still stalks him and writes i love u by the way 😛
    it almost feels so cheap saying this stuff but this is the one place where it feels safe to say all the dark energy that is also a part of me…
    has any one had experience with such feelings? any lessons? any tips?

  37.  #37Mercedes on April 25, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    Sweet Goddess: I used to feel a lot like you are feeling. Very jealous and in the end…it was all insecurity in MYSELF, not in my man. It takes time…lots of time…to overcome this. For me, meditation and taking care of myself, visualizations and pampering are what work the best. Seeing myself as the most important thing in his life…telling myself over and over that nothing in the world could separate us…seeing us together forever. These things help.

    Also…I will sometimes create visualizations when he’s right there. Let’s say we’re both reading books or something. We’re together but not talking. I take a book break and let my imagination run with seeing myself as a goddess….seeing him have eyes for only me…seeing me with the power over my own life and who is in it (because ultimately you are seeing HIM as the one with the power to leave…don’t forget…you have the power to decide who is in your life). Anyway…just visualizing and softening…sinking down into the couch while it’s happening…positioning myself in a goddess pose and not a slump over the book…softening my eyes, my face, my smile.

    So many times when I do this, he’ll come to me. Reach out and touch me…ask me why I’m smiling….put a leg out to make sure we are physically connected…etc.

    It’s the vibe thing. The more you work on your vibe and visualizing that vibe being one of a completely sexy, desirable, soft, loving, loved goddess…the more true it will become to not only you, but to those around you.

    So…for me…whenever I am faced with insecurity…I visualize me as a queen or goddess or whatever (whoever) and I take care of myself and I meditate. All those things make me feel very, very good. And slowly but surely, the insecurity melts away until it is either gone or a mere glimmer somewhere in my tummy.

    Not sure if that will help you at all, but it’s what works for me. And I know that those feelings are ones I used to have a LOT and now have only every once in a while and only for brief moments in time.

    Much Love,

  38.  #38Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Sweet Goddess, I used to feel a lot of jealousy and insecurity around other women. I found it difficult to relate to girls, always felt such icky competitive vibes. I heaped love on the feelings. One thing that particularly helped me was to find something I appreciated or liked about the woman (attitude, clothes, hair etc) and give a genuine compliment about it. It instantly switched my vibe from lack to love. It made me feel part of a loving sisterhood. I did notice that the women in my life changed or poofed. I lost some friends and made deep bonds with others.
    I find I’m most likely to feel like this when there is some distance going on in my relationship.. it brings up the insecure, needy little girl part of me thats afraid of being abandoned. I share that insecure feeling with my man and ask for a hug 🙂

  39.  #39Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Wow, this story have me tingles! So inspiring to hear it coming from a woman who is older, since st times it’s tempting to think that I don’t “have time” to make it work.

    But it’s great. I feel a lot like her – I want to practice the tools more. Because, like her, I also realize I’m sitting on a lot of “junk” and some of it runs my life for me. No me gusta, if you speak Spanish.


    Re: the blog, what *I* miss are the times when there would be 1k+ comments per post. Lol. But actually, I kind of don’t miss it, because there was so much information and it was impossible to keep up!! Lol

  40.  #40Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    What jumps out at me in the woman’s story is that her man a) recognized her, and b) was a “different animal.” This makes me slightly wistful, because that is what I noticed about M. But…I did a lot of things to really erode the relationship. And now I know why. And hopefully I am going to work on fixing the problem/s.

    In fact, I’m going to dinner with my dad tonight. I want to be brave and talk about this newfound awareness of the abandonment issue. That is one thing that has def been running my life, behind the scenes, and wreaking all kinds of havoc.

    Next on my list is this unpleasant tendency I have to feel the need to just do whatever anybody says. That’s not to say that I never refuse a request. But when I do, I am often plagued by guilt. And it happens the most when I am tired/exhausted/run-down/hungry. And at the same time that I do what they say, I want them to also take responsibility for my choices and actions. It’s like I really don’t believe that I have any day in the matter. And that is a very deep, automatic belief I’m noticing. Because, on the surface, by beliefs about myself and what’s best are of course completely the opposite. I find my responses confusing and almost like imam betrayed by myself on a daily basis…

    But that’s a big one. One step at a time.

    What’s great is, I felt like I’m making “big-kid” steps now, not baby ones : )

  41.  #41Kyla on April 25, 2014 at 2:57 pm

    Tereana – one thing that jumps out for me when you mention M is that we can’t do the ‘wrong’ thing with the right man. There are no mistakes, just learning. I don’t think you pushed him away, it felt to me that you shifted and noticed that he didn’t come with you. He was awesome practice. All those triggers he helped you heal was a gift <3

  42.  #42Iris on April 25, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    #35 Thanks, Kyla!

  43.  #43RileyTheOwl on April 25, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Okay so it has been awhile… I have been reading the blog often and keeping up with all of you sirens, but I haven’t shared or commented anything in this time. Mostly because I felt a bit like the naive yougnh one of the siren community here… ^_^ and also in this time I’ve had so so many amazing ‘ahah’ moments and realizations. I felt like before sharing anything, it was really time for me to absorb everything new and learn. I am in the middle of a long process right now, and I just overcame a HUUGE bump in the road, and am experiencing a huge acceleration downhill right now. It feels lightening and empowering. Anyhow, I’m back, hello everyone 🙂 I’m about to go through the comme ts and catch up! xoxo

  44.  #44RileyTheOwl on April 25, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    Kyla-38, I find myself struggling around other girls. One of my biggest barriers that most often pulls into my pit of anxiety is the insecurity I feel around other women. It is one part of me that I really really have to slather with love, yet can also be the most difficult to do so. I love love LOVE your very simple yet amazing tool of giving a compliment in this way, I feel eager to use it 🙂 Thank you!

  45.  #45prplpsn28 on April 25, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    From previous post…Kyla…thank you 🙂

  46.  #46prplpsn28 on April 25, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Mercedes…37…this is what I’m dealing with right now. Lots of insecurities and jealousy. He’s pulling away. Ugh

  47.  #47Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Violette, definitely if you don’t feel great about this guy (too old, etc) you don’t actually need to go out with him!! That’s really the bottom line here, I think. And I struggle, too, with this, “but he’s so into me” idea that makes me feel like I must respond kindly and be receiving his attention. But, in those cases, too, I’ll make a guy jump through hoops just to please me, and in the end, I’m not pleased, mainly because he didn’t really do it for me in the first place and I was just too chicken to admit it and move on. In the past, I’ve actually found it more empowering to just say no to a guy when I was sure it wouldn’t work out. And when you do that, you usually find that someone more amazing pops up : )

    So I like what Helena said. And it is your choice what to do. Sometimes silence is the best way to go (I’m still working on this one!!! Lol)

  48.  #48Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Hi Riley, welcome back 🙂

  49.  #49Tereana on April 25, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Kyla – that’s an awesome observation. Thank you for that. Maybe you are right!

    What I feel is that I have shifted *after* I broke up with him. Inside the relationship I got into one of my “ruts” and was just spinning my wheels, getting nowhere. And yet, pushing him away has allowed me to really open up to new ways of seeing myself and new healing in areas that really needed it.

    So you’re right. We can’t do or say the “wrong” thing with the right man. And the reason I got so melty when he wrote back to me yesterday is that I actually don’t feel “wrong” for doing it. It was what I needed. And, if he is the “right” guy, then maybe there will be a chance to reconnect in a better way than before. And if he’s not, then I can apply everything I learn now to a new relationship. Every relationship does mean something.

    One thing is for sure, I do need to start practicing my long-term relationship skills. I’ve realized that I can’t just expect it to “work out” automatically! Ha.

    Speaking of which, great for you, iris! : ) both in getting the programs and in finding this new relationship. Definitely I’m with you. It requires a whole different level of support.

    Ugh. And I just realized, I’m not good at getting support for myself. In real life anyway. I come here. This is good support. But I’m terrible at eliciting support from people in person. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But I know it would help sooo much. I just always try to appear as if I’ve got everything all together, and when people offer, I might refuse, or else they just won’t offer. But support is something I really do need 🙁 ok, that’s on my list (of stuff to work on)….

  50.  #50Veronica on April 25, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    I believe I may be ready to start active CDing again – want to get profiles up and go to places I haven’t been to before.

    I still don’t have any feelings for BearCD and I sense that things are tapering off. And I’m completely fine with that. It feels good not to be wrapped up in things not working out, I like this gentle acceptance. It’s flowy now as opposed to ‘now I should do this’ – I like that.

    But I also want to spend more time with the quiet and the gentle that brought me so much self-love yesterday. It’s as though I discovered something and want to practice that as much as possible, because I love myself.

  51.  #51Butterfly Wings on April 25, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Violet, there ARE guys out there who will INSIST on coming to you, and not the other way around – my man wouldn’t let me drive to him at all, initially, even though it’s an 80 minute round trip.

    And like Mercedes said, there’s no changing a man, so you now know you want one who’s prepared to come to you, and not one who isn’t. 🙂

  52.  #52Butterfly Wings on April 25, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    What’s this “settling him in” post you guys mentioned? I feel curious… 🙂

  53.  #53RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 12:30 am

    I feel curious about the settling him in post as well 🙂

  54.  #54Waterfall on April 26, 2014 at 1:14 am

    Mercedes, Helena,

    Thanks for your advice. It is hard to hear because I felt such a tight, close, emotional connection with this man. It was a whirlwind romance. Yet I know that deep down I was letting my heart rule my head.

    I had very strong feelings of love and attraction to him very early on and the bond just got stronger and stronger. But it was purely an emotional and physical bond in other ways we were not compatible.

    I think I need to deal with being on my own. I find this really, really difficult and it’s almost like my world completely stops when I am on my own. I find it hard to get up in the morning, I miss deadlines, arrangements. I just disappear into a dsy dreamworld. I feel very angry with myself because of this, especially when I read about all you awe inspiring sirens.

    But I will take a deep breath and try to move forward….

    I do agree that the blog just feels very flat these days. A couple of years ago it seemed buzzing and full of life and energy. So many people have disappeared from it. Starla, Brenda, Tam, Heart, Ruth… Oh how I miss these ladies and their stories!


  55.  #55Millie on April 26, 2014 at 2:59 am

    I feel myself changing. I feel different.
    For example, when I feel like reaching out, perhaps to Mechanic, I used to give myself a “pass” when it was super late at night, like it didn’t count or something….but I feel now like everything counts. And everything I do, whether I’m sober or not, whether it is 2am or 2pm, should align with ME and what I really want. Do I really want to “drunk” text this guy and ask him to hang out? No. I feel in my bones that I’m not that easy anymore. He doesn’t get to have me that easily, I do not offer myself, a man offers himself first…. The idea of a late night text sounds so unappealing to me..the idea of discounting it because it is late sounds so immature to me. It sounds unattractive and I can see why a man, a real one, would pull away from that behavior over time.

    I went out with a guy friend tonight, kind of spur of the moment, which is fine. He’s hit on me before, keeps saying “Don’t try to sleep with me,” over and over, so apparently that’s on his mind……I don’t particularly want to, which is a good place for me to be. I don’t feel THAT attracted to him. Actually, I feel like “I deserve better,” which is a really good place for me to be mentally. I’m not shutting people out, I’m being more “hard to get” which is good for me. I’ve had a lot of attention from guys this week, telling me how alluring I am, that I’m Class A hot and have everything that matters…this week I had men getting nervous in front of me, unsure of what to say and it felt good to be confident in front of that and not “bend” because I felt bad for them. I wasn’t overly polite, which is also another good step for me. I was appreciative and not encouraging.

    I feel like my attitude is changing inside. I am feeling more Class A lately and like I really deserve a good man, not a player, not a nerd, a really good well-rounded honest man.

    My friend showed me all these naked sex pics this girl texted him…I asked to see what he sent her, he said I haven’t sent anything. I it’s not a two way street? He said, “No, that is what’s so great about this.” Really??? Him saying that made me see him in a lesser light, like…you WANT a one-way relationship? That’s a cop-out. When he said again “Don’t try to sleep with me,” I said in response: “I won’t, seems like you already have a girl trying hard enough,” with a smile. Anyway, I cant help wanting a man with integrity and when I hear of situations like that, I feel like here is two people with no integrity. A friend of mine said once, that there is no integrity in sex..and I guess if you are only talking about that it can be true, but if you are talking about sex as part of a relationship, integrity must be involved, at least I think so. Any thoughts on that?

  56.  #56Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 3:00 am


  57.  #57Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 3:17 am

    Yay I can post again!

    Sirens, I’m going to spend a little time catching up on the blog, but I wanted to share something with you…

    Firstly, let me say, I am LOVING Rori’s fountain tool from her latest newsletter. It has helped me tremendously the last couple of days. It is a subtle shift in perspective but you can literally feel the change in your vibe and how much better it feels.

    Anyway, I have posted a lot about D over the 18 months or so that I’ve been here. I have also talked so much to my close friends about him. One of the major problems we had was one Rori addressed a few posts ago – that of where one of you wants to sleep in separate beds. D made this move at some point in our relationship and it was never ok with me. In fact, it was very, very much not ok with me. It caused tremendous hurt and pain and feelings of disconnect, mostly because I just simply couldn’t understand how we could go from sleeping in the same bed for a year, and then suddenly he couldn’t do it any more. I listened to his reasons, but it just didn’t compute for me.

    He knows how I felt. Boy, does he know.

    Anyway, I just wanted to share with you that after more than 2 years of it being that way (separate beds) this issue has healed. And I can honestly say that it is due to my self-exploration and healing of my triggers and my willingness to examine myself and my pain, and how that has changed my vibe. It was down to me sinking into what I don’t want, and so every time he would offer for me to stay over but in a separate bed, I could gently say “Thank you but no, I don’t want that, I am going to go home.”

    So it first happened a month and a half ago where we fell asleep together in the same bed, and he made no move to leave or ask me to go to a different bed. And we spent the whole night together, and he was fine in the morning – not grumpy or sulky or anything about “not getting good sleep”.

    And ever since then, he has initiated us going to the main bed when it gets nearer bedtime, and he does not leap out of bed to go to a different bed, nor does he make any noises about me doing so.

    And last night again, we slept together in the same bed at his invitation, and even though he did not sleep perhaps as well as he might have otherwise, he was not blamey or moody or anything this morning as he was in the past, but pulled me into his arms for a long cuddle.

    The best part is, *I* feel healed of this issue, and no longer deeply triggered by it.

    I wanted to share this with you. Last night was truly a wonderful and romantic night with D, and I felt very loved.

  58.  #58Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 3:27 am

    My past with D has been anything but perfect, but I cannot help but marvel at the healing which has taken place.

    I have developed the ability to “abide” with his anger… that is, it does not deeply trigger me the way it used to, and it does not deeply hurt me, and this has been largely due to my ability to focus on me, and make *me* my number one priority.

    It has allowed me to FAR more focus on what is good about this man and what we have, and also not to take his moods or anger personally. This in turn seems to allow him to return to a calm, apologetic state much more quickly.

    I am fascinated by the change in myself, how much more self-contained and calm and secure I feel.

    This morning we were watching a TV program where a man was wanting to kill someone who had killed someone that he cared about, and I asked D if men were really like that. He told me that their protective instinct was very strong, and that if someone had killed his child or wife or family member, yes he would want to kill them. The way he said it, the feeling of protectiveness which washed over me, made me feel absolutely wonderful and gooey.

  59.  #59Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 4:08 am

    Waterfall #2,

    I would encourage you to pay very, very close attention to what the voices in your head are saying to you.

    I picked up many instances of negative self-talk from you to you in your post. Instances where you say “he must have thought this about me” or “I must have not meant anything”… along those lines. Basically a vibe of you telling you that you are not good enough. Yes, he behaved in a sub-par manner, but for me, it’s not really about that. It’s about your relationship with you and what you are telling yourself and where you are with your own negative voices. If your self-esteem is solid, no one will be able to treat you badly or make you feel badly about yourself because your self-love will not allow it.

    Just something to think about. *hugs*

  60.  #60Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 4:15 am

    Mercedes 15,

    I think the “settling in” tool can feel off, and yet I think for certain women and certain situations it can work. For me, it’s just another tool and a different perspective, and I can incorporate elements of it even if I may not agree with the whole thing. I thought it was fascinating because it addressed the whole “nesting” instinct that we as human beings, both men and women, have, and how that can play a role in shaping relationships. Just my two cents.

  61.  #61Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 4:41 am

    Veronica 33, hi!

    I’ve had a problem with posting the last couple of days but it seems to be resolved now!

    Yay! 🙂

  62.  #62Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 4:49 am

    sweet goddess 36,

    I’ve found that kindness to other women can heal a lot of the competitiveness and jealousy (which I also used to battle with, and still do, though to a much lesser extent).

    Kindness, smiling at them, softening to them, yet remaining strong and authentic can truly put you in a very empowered place. For me, healing “catty” feelings comes when I try to understand their struggles, where they are coming from, the insecurities and difficulties that they too must face in their lives. It helps me tremendously not to be triggered by them.

  63.  #63Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Mercedes 37.
    Ohhhh… this feels very inspiring… Thank you!!!
    I want to practice this with everyone…
    I have noticed how my vibe changes when I look a the person who is talking and unzip my heart.
    This goes even further…

    “Seeing myself as the most important thing in his life…telling myself over and over that nothing in the world could separate us…seeing us together forever.”

    Soo powerful and very scary for me just thinking about doing this
    I feel so vulnerable and weak thinking about embracing “being together forever”
    Thank you

  64.  #64Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Indigo 62
    I have also found “kindness to other women” has healed the jealousy and competitiveness for me….
    Also now when I DO feel jealous
    I simply admit it… I am feeling jealous right now…
    Sometimes I’ll say it to the person (in a soft, smiley way)
    Admitting to myself or out laud seems to take away the power of it…

    In the past 2 years I have met a group of WONDERFUL women (6) … smart, down-to-earth, good-hearted, fun, sexy (most are married or in a committed relationship)
    I have practiced my RR tools with THEM (I have shared my love of the RR way but none have embraced her)

    I struggle with intimacy with allll mother earths creatures… be they human or otherwise…
    They have helped me love myself and be more and more vulnerable with them…
    I can be closer with some more than others…
    We meet several Tues in a month…
    Some disappear for awhile… join in later…
    It’s a very flowy, energetic dynamic where we all feel supported at different levels.
    I feel VERY Lucky!!!

  65.  #65Mercedes on April 26, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Waterfall: “I think I need to deal with being on my own.” – The moment you become comfortable (really comfortable) with your own company…your entire world will change.

    Indigo: Yes. Settling him in “works”. And if we want to lead the way and pursue a man and “make him” feel comfortable in our homes and take charge…settling him in is a good way to do it. As long as we don’t care that one day the “how in the hell did this all happen before I was ready” thoughts will settle in for him. 🙂 Nothing wrong with it really, it’s just not my style and not something I thought I would ever see here. It is similar to something I read in a book called The Rules though. Feels like manipulation and leading to me. Even Rori admits that it is “strategic” (her word) which is something that has never been taught…or even condoned…here.

    For those of you who want to read about it, you can find the original unveiling to us right here:

    Purple (can I still call you that?)…It’s been a long time since we talked. Please pay as little attention to his pulling away as possible and as much attention as possible to your vibe and happiness. As hard as it is, take great care of yourself….things will change for the better. Hope you are well!!

    Much Love,

  66.  #66Mercedes on April 26, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Azure Blu…Thank you for the kind words! I’m so happy my writing and practice resonated with you!

    Much Love,

  67.  #67prplpsn28 on April 26, 2014 at 7:46 am

    Mercedes…thank you. And, yes, you can call me purple 🙂

  68.  #68Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Veronica 50…
    I feel relaxed and peaceful reading your feelings about BearCD
    Just letting things go and see what happens…

    Andrea mentioned this same approach several posts ago about JoeCD and EDcd…
    “I don’t need to push him away or say anything to him or to Joe. I just live my life and when they are in it, I get to be open and discover who they are, and explore the possibility of them fitting in somewhere.”

    “I don’t want them to change for me. I want them to open up to me, to show me who they REALLY are, so that I can then CHOOSE if I want them as a part of my life.”
    I had date 5 with JD last night
    he is very attentive with texting, calling and dating…
    He takes me to places I have want to do (playing pool, finding the BEST hamburger around)
    and we also have great adventures on our dates that he has put together..
    He also has been critical of my personality… my playfullness scares him (seems needy to him)
    the way I express pleasure when I was eating the hamburger last night…
    No man has expressed displeasure about these things before…

    I have expressed to him my wanting more hand holding and hugs during the dates…
    He wants to go right from date mode (he acts like we’re just friends) to making out and much more (I have told him no sex yet) which doesn’t feel good at alllll for me!!
    I was thinking i would let him know this is not working for me… OR
    it can be good practice for me… using my FM , staying open hearted and curious..
    I can live my life and when they are in it (I am also starting to date MNcd from a year ago) I practice being my sireny self!!!
    anyway… sounds good now… I’ll see how I feel in an hour… LOL ;-}

  69.  #69Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 8:06 am

    I must admit the “settling in tool” was confusing for me…
    I was fairly new to the RR tools and this approach seemed VERY strategic
    I didn’t see anyway I could make it work..
    But I did try a little of it with my then 2 year relationship…
    It brought to light how inflexable he was…
    He ONLY wanted me at his house
    (he is my ex)
    Sooo I guess it did work… :->

  70.  #70Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 8:12 am

    How powerful is your story of separate beds…
    “my self-exploration and healing of my triggers and my willingness to examine myself and my pain, and how that has changed my vibe.”
    I could gently say “Thank you but no, I don’t want that, I am going to go home.”
    And you are sleeping together now!!! HIS choice

    Thank you for sharing!!! I am inspired darling siren!!!

  71.  #71Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 8:19 am

    YAY to feeling Class A!!!

    I noticed as I learned to LOVE myself more and listen to MY feelings (and name them)
    My worthyness and dignity went higher and higher!!

    I feel your self love vibe!!

  72.  #72Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Thank you Azure Blu 🙂 I feel all warm and blushy that you found my story of the separate beds inspiring.

    For those that know how DEEPLY triggering and painful this issue was for me, for me it is incredibly inspiring 🙂

    I love your description of your group of women friends. I wish I had that. I only have maybe 2 or 3 women I have that deep friendship with, I wish I had more 🙂


  73.  #73LoveAlways on April 26, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Rileytheowl #43

    That is the beautiful thing about this blog (siren island) – you CAN just jump in and share those ‘aha’ moments, those realizations, the ups, the downs.

    The point is to get it out and feel it. Some people need to get their feelings out verbally – I’m one who needs to write it out.

    And the women here are fabulous! Each has her own strength, her own experiences and it is always from a mixture of this that you get a response or share with you or support you.

    The energy of this blog can help you along your journey . . . it helped me so much over the past years, so I am speaking from experience!

    I too just read the blog and not jump in, but you get so much more by diving in and expressing your feelings. I personally believe that is why Rori created it!


  74.  #74Iris on April 26, 2014 at 8:31 am

    #49: @Tereana, thanks! I had been in my head, in masculine energy, and in fear for the past few weeks, but I felt almost instantaneously stronger after getting the collection. I felt equipped with knowledge

    And my heart goes out too you, Tearana. It does feel difficult getting support in person from others–especially since many people themselves are not honest with themselves and their feelings. Love to you on your journey! 🙂

  75.  #75Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Mercedes 65,

    Yes I agree, settling in can be taught in a strategic way, and can be manipulative. Yuck. Yet, I guess I do believe it can happen naturally and organically too.

    Some couples seem to fall into dynamics which from the outside would seem un-Rori-ish to us, yet it seems to work for them. Some couples are happy in open relationships. It would never work for me, yet I guess I was just saying I respect whatever works for individuals.

    I am deeply, deeply inspired by Rori’s work and it has changed my life for the better in so many ways for which I am extremely grateful, yet I don’t incorporate all of her teachings, nor am I always sireny in my approach and I am ok with that 🙂

    I do know what you are saying, and I respect it.

  76.  #76Femininewoman on April 26, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Indigo look for and create those friendships. They inspire and cultivate the feminine in you and also eliminate the unconscious making of men into “friends”. That way the unconscious thinking of men is around romance and can help keep your flirty girl and available vibe out there in the world.

    I have one truly deep female friend who is as flirty, feisty and sassy as they get. I also have close friendship with a sister-in-law, cousin and cousin’s wife. We even flirt with each other. Even more practice for being in the moment.

  77.  #77Femininewoman on April 26, 2014 at 8:39 am

    I have also seen CCarter suggest a kind of settling in approach without calling in that. Some men only do monogamy yet they wouldn’t acknowledge that a girl is his girlfriend. Yet they are everywhere together all the time and he is always with that one girl. Maybe in such circumstances the girl might feel comfortable with it as a natural progression.

  78.  #78LoveAlways on April 26, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Iris #32

    Good for you! I love the collection! And I’ve had such a different experience since I started delving into it!

    Sounds like MODERN SIREN is the first one you should get into.

    While you are doing that, I would simultaneously listen to the first LOVE CONNECTION recording (in your car or mp3/ipod) daily. This is for right now relationship stuff. Rori talks about urgency and it really helps you slow down and observe yourself in your relationship. (you can continue to listen to the Love Connection recordings while going through the programs)


    Then I would do LOVE SCRIPTS.

    Sounds weird, but I’m going to suggest TOXIC MEN after that because of the exercises in the beginning to help you really get into YOU.



    TARGETING MR. RIGHT to keep your skills up 🙂 [Remember, you can circular date the world (the butcher, the baker the candlestick maker). Circular dating has different levels, you can interact with people out in the world using and practicing your tools. So please don’t skip over this thinking it could not apply to you or you would not feel comfortable doing it – there are different levels and stages, but you have to listen to the whole process to get it. And Rori covers circular dating in just about all of the programs.]

    Also, Rori has a newsletter for you when you purchase her whole collection. READ THEM AND SAVE THEM. She does this wonderful thing of directing you different sections of different programs that cover particular issues. [don’t forget the workbooks too] It was the greatest surprise of buying the whole collection. I still refer back to the newsletters and now I skip around from section to section looking for just what I’m feeling that particular day.

    I actually reserve an hour or two each week and just go through different parts of Rori’s programs. I call it Rori TV and also part of my weekly ME time lol.

  79.  #79Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 8:56 am

    LoveAlways 73,
    I too have been sooo inspired by this blog and All the gentle, fiesty, energetic sirens who take the time to share their journeys and life and intimate details.

    for almost 2 years I only read
    I gobbled the blog like a starving child
    reading and rereading all of the inspiring words
    trying to understand how to become my MOST sireny self

    During the summer of last year I lost my job (I loved this job sooo much) and almost had a nervous breakdown… I am 62 and i felt shame, unworthyness, hopelessness for my future
    But because of THIS blog. Sometimes reading for 8 hours straight (reading archives etc.)
    the LOVE and support all the sirens give
    and the LOVE from my friends and family
    I was able to crawl from the abyse and start my life again..
    I can’t thank everyone enough for your love and support (even though you did not know who I was)

  80.  #80Femininewoman on April 26, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Emerson I just read this and thought you might find it interesting:-

    “For instance, if he asks you to drive to his place on a rainy night, you don’t have to be a ball-busting hellcat about it. All you have to do is casually avert the question into a question of your own.

    Tell him, “How about if we meet up at a different time this week instead? I’m good this Friday or Saturday if you prefer.” This way, you’re not being a doormat by accommodating his preferences all the time, but at the same time you’re not being rude about it either.

    It’s a matter of giving him a choice around the circumstances that SUIT YOU better. By giving him the option to choose among things that you want, you’re giving him the feeling that what you want is
    HIS idea.”

  81.  #81Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 9:30 am

    I LOVE it
    don’t have to be a ball-busting hell cat!!! LOL
    It’s an uphill battle!!! :-}

  82.  #82LoveAlways on April 26, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Azure Blue #79

    My experience drawing me to siren island was life shattering as well (hugs to us). Thank you for sharing your experience. I was browsing a dating sight when I first read about Rori’s material. What got to me, and I mean it reached my core, was Rori’s own advice that BEFORE you contact her for private coaching (which I wanted to do but could not afford), start with her E-Book, Modern Siren and then another program and work from there. If you still felt a need for coaching, feel free to email her. I thought “how beautiful, how considerate and how open!” It helped me get my sh*t together, and my world turned around in weeks! And the blog???? I read it every day, and like you, I read the archives! What a wonderful place this blog is!

  83.  #83Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 9:39 am

    2-3 good gf… sounds great to me!!

    there have been times in my life when I was inbetween gf and there were 0

    when I think back…
    as I changed and my life circumstances changed (childrens ages/no children)
    loved myself more and more
    the friendships would drop off or stay
    change with me or not…
    when i would let myself be without a gf that was not healthy for me
    there was room for a better friendship to come into my life

  84.  #84Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 9:43 am

    xoxoxox :-))

  85.  #85LoveAlways on April 26, 2014 at 9:44 am


    I love this:

    “It’s a matter of giving him a choice around the circumstances that SUIT YOU better.”

    I needed that. Feeling out of balance between my girl energy and boy energy – this puts it back in perspective!

    Great share! Thank you 🙂

  86.  #86Mandy on April 26, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Sirens…sorry for jumping in willy-nilly as I often do, but I need fast help with a love-script.

    Basically it’s this – this situation needs to change. It is co-dependant and draining me and I’m getting sucked into his toxicity. I don’t want it to end, just change, but if it doesn’t change, I will be forced to end it.

    How can I say this in a safe way so he can hear me and want to cooperate?


  87.  #87Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 10:06 am


    What specifically do you need to change?

  88.  #88Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 10:08 am

    FW 76,

    I always have my eyes open for women I can connect with, though it doesn’t happen often that it turns into a deep friendship.

    I agree with you and absolutely LOVE my female friendships.

  89.  #89Femininewoman on April 26, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Mandy I sense urgency and rowing the relationship boat in your. How about just dropping the oars for a bit to get yourself space to really feel?

  90.  #90Andrea on April 26, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Here’s a strange question about the e book. I purchased it two years ago. Then my computer crashed. I had to reboot back to the very beginning. So I lost it.

    Is it worth it to try and pursue someone in records to see if it’s possible that they have record of my purchase and can re-send? Or is the new and revised ebook worth it to just re-purchase and get the new info????

  91.  #91Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 10:45 am

    I went back and read your posts about J…
    I feel happy and hopeful for you…
    I see you moving forward for YOU… (the night you walked out and went to your parents house. this was HUGE)
    Keep Loving you… like FW mentioned “really feel” YOUR feelings!!
    Maybe Look in the mirror and get your Pot of LOVE
    and slather Love ALL over YOU…
    What fragrance is your POL?
    Rose, Jasmine, Lavender?
    I believe you deserve to give yourself Gentleness and kindness and boundaries…
    What do you believe?

  92.  #92Femininewoman on April 26, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Andrea I did something similar and got a response suggesting that after 2 years they would not be able to. I believe the new book is worth it and if you have anything of your record you might be able to get a discount

  93.  #93RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 11:52 am

    ((Love Always))-73,

    I am hoping to share more in the future/now than I have been in the past, and I feel really warm and happy right here after reading what you said. I feel more open on here now, and yay it just feels good to me commenting again:) xoxo

  94.  #94Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:11 pm


  95.  #95Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:14 pm


  96.  #96Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Indigo! : ) Yay! What you shared about healing is so compelling, I know that I have lots to heal, and now I’m feeling curious as to how that will happen and what will change for me.

  97.  #97Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Indigo! : ) Yay! What you shared about healing is so compelling, I know that I have lots to heal, and now I’m feeling curious as to how that will happen and what will change for me.

  98.  #98Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Azure Blu
    63 – Unzipping my heart provokes a lot of uneasiness in me. I still feel too vulnerable to do that.
    68 – : ) oh yes, I don’t need to push anyone away, I just live MY LIFE – that is where I’m at with BearCD which is a huge change for me, usually I’m invested in some way and get the ‘oh no it’s going downhill’ bad feeling. Although I do feel tempted to do something like have that talk, or close things off with him or feel bad that another interaction didn’t ‘work out’, now there’s a gentle reminder that it’s not necessary. I’m also not particularly perturbed by my lack of romantic feeling for him because there is no relationship – this is new and I like it. This could be the end of my ‘trying to make something happen’ impulses.
    I like playing pool even though I’m so bad at it and don’t do it often. If it were me and I was sireny about communicating how I could feel more melty about the good time I could be having with more hand holding and hugs, and my date wasn’t interested in making that happen for me, my attraction for him and being around him would significantly diminish. I get into this loop of ‘maybe things will get better’ which is not healthy for me, and I stick around longer than I should.

  99.  #99Dominique on April 26, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Millie – 55 – I feel very sad reading this from your friend, that she thinks there is no integrity in sex. Though this may occur with some people in some situations, I choose to believe that most people DO want to have an emotionally connected relationship which by definition, would have integrity.


  100.  #100Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    FW -76- So interesting.

  101.  #101Dominique on April 26, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Indigo – 57, 58 – 🙂 YAY YOU!!! Your journey since I’ve known you is awe inspiring.

    Sending you much love.


  102.  #102Cupcake on April 26, 2014 at 1:06 pm


    I was reading the previous thread and saw your post about the career change you feel stirring inside you.

    It immediately occurred to me that Marianne Williamson’s workshop, “God and Career” may be exactly the right element to introduce into your inner dialogue. I listened to it as an audio book, and it was so good that as soon as I had finished it, I listened to it again.

    I feel so happy that everything feels like it is coming together for you. It all seemed to shift after that big meltdown when you talked about feeling so discouraged and hopeless, too.

    You are in my thoughts in the real world. As are so many of you lovely Sirens. I’m still reading the blog, just have a lot of balls in the air right now. Hopefully I will be back and posting more regularly soon, and keeping in better touch.



  103.  #103Cupcake on April 26, 2014 at 1:08 pm


    I would so totally be your friend in the real world.



  104.  #104Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 1:38 pm


    I owe you SO much of the insight I have gained. And as a result, I love to share my breakthroughs and triumphs with you.

    Thank you. And lots of love back xx

  105.  #105Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Awww Cupcake 🙂

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    I would be your friend too 🙂 x

  106.  #106April Rose on April 26, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Andrea, when the new e-book came out, Rori gave a free upgrade. Write to Rori’s assistant Melanie.

    (I imagine it is Rori’s e-book you are talking about?)

  107.  #107Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    Veronica 96
    Thank you for this wonderful script!!!
    It’s sooooo sireny!! :-}
    “I could feel more melty about the good time I could be having with more hand holding and hugs, and if my date wasn’t interested in making that happen for me, my attraction for him and being around him would significantly diminish.”
    The next date I have with him I will try this and let you know what happens!!!

  108.  #108RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    Sirens, I have something to share with you. I just came across a wonderfully fun and girly blog that I’m really enjoying reading, it feels especially uplifting and light hearted… perfect for a simple read on any day. This link is to one of the posts… it’s called 100 ways to love yourself… : ) and there are many many other great posts that all have to do with self-love, and things to do for yourself.

    P.S my favorite out of the 100 ways to love myself is most definitely the “take a bubble bath while wearing a tiara”. Oh boy 😀

  109.  #109Azure Blu on April 26, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    I’m not that good at pool either…
    but many male relationship coaches mention that men enjoy playful, fun dates…
    I know I enjoy doing something when on a date
    My dates have loved it when we play pool together
    I think I learn more about my date when playing a competitive game
    JD said he thought it was so cool I like to play pool and you know he is all about being negative… 🙂

  110.  #110Mercedes on April 26, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Soooo….I feel a little weird posting this here but I found this amazing mascara product and I decided to start selling it in my yoga studio and online. I LOVE the company and it’s been a super easy way for me to make a little income on the side (it’s all Facebook parties…and I’m always on Facebook anyway so…).

    What I love most is that most of the products are gluten free, they are all natural, no animal testing and most of the products are vegan. PLUS…the lashes (mascara) themselves are amazing. Make my lashes soooo much longer and thicker (as in about 300%…). As shy as I am about putting it here, I wanted to share with you because I’m not sure they can be found where you are.

    Anyway…in case you are interested, email me and I’ll send you a link (I don’t want to post a link to the site here as I don’t at all want to interfere with what we’re here to talk about). The site is under my real name so please, if you reach out to me, try not to use that name here. I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet…although I might be…I don’t know.

    This has absolutely NOTHING to do with relationships but I can tell you…for those of you who love looking and feeling sexy and love makeup…long lashes are a cool way to experiment. 🙂

    I’ll be selling these products along with Dominique’s products (which I’m not afraid to link here because she is such a cherished part of this blog – – ) in the retail area of my yoga studio/spa.

    So…this is sort of a sales pitch but not really because it is something I’m passionate about and LOVE (makeup… 🙂 ) and because I really, from my heart, just want to share with you.

    If you want to email me, I’m at gmail. And I’m wkquestion and the ending is “com”. 😉

    Aside from all that…today has been a wonderful day! J and I went grocery shopping and picked up ingredients for our private “Sangria Saturday” party on our patio (no guests…just us). Right now, he’s grilling steaks and potatoes for dinner. The weather is beautiful. The perfect day to spend together on the patio…enjoying each other…playing on the internet…reading books…laughing once in a while…sharing what we’re reading/posting…loving life.

    Hope your weekends are fantabulous!!! Thinking of you all and sending the most peaceful, positive vibes I have your way.

    Much Love,

  111.  #111Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Millie – you sound awesome! Go you! Sounds like you are really standing in your power : )

    And I was kind of liking your friend until you told me about the naked sex-pic one-way street thing… Yuck :-p

    And whoever said that there is “no” integrity in sex was possibly speaking from a painful experience. Maybe she has had sex with someone who had no integrity with her? Was she abused? Was she brought up to believe that sex is “wrong” or “bad” or “dirty”? I feel curious about her story and where that statement came from.

    Sex is, and can be, many, many different things, depending on the situation. And anyway, it is the people in the sexual situation who either have integrity or they don’t. And that would change the nature of the sex. That’s how I see it…

  112.  #112Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Mercedes – fun! Iike your relaxed, non-salesy sakes pitch 🙂

    Ok, ladies, I’ve been having kind of a rough day. My mom came back from her vacation, and immediately I feel like I just want to kill myself. Like not really. But that’s how bad I feel when I talk to her, about even the simplest things. Like groceries.

    Well, I did something unusual for me, and I posted about it on Facebook. I got a lot of nice comments and support. That feels good : )

    Then I found out that someone from my high school class has died. I didn’t know him that well. But still, it’s wicked sad. And just to know he was my age.

    I am glad to be alive. I know all of my challenges make me into a better person. And at the same time, today, I’m just wondering if there is something massively and clinically wrong with me? Am a borderline personality with NPD? Is that it. Am I the problem??? Or do I just feel that way because my mom came back into town and this is how she makes me feel: like I’m going nuts and my brains are scrambled.

    I growled at her this morning. She touched something of mine and made a judgey comment. Iiterally growled at her, and it morphed into this deep, long, guttural growl. It felt primal and good. It got her to at least go into the next room. But did she ever acknowledge that I was upset or that she had crossed my boundaries? No. Of course not. She would never do that. Because, to her, my feelings and views don’t count, and my emotions exist solely for her entertainment and amusement. Like her little pet toy wind-up animal…


    Thank you…

  113.  #113Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    FW (80), is that grom sherry Argov? If not, it kind of sounds like her writing! And I like the ideas…giving him options and letting him feel like the “decider” makes him want to do more stuff for you 🙂

  114.  #114Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    FW (80), is that from sherry Argov? If not, it kind of sounds like her writing! And I like the ideas…giving him options and letting him feel like the “decider” makes him want to do more stuff for you 🙂

  115.  #115Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    …while at the same time not making him “wrong” : )

  116.  #116RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    Woah, this has been such a hard day for you, I’m sending all the virtual love and compassion to you that I can <3 I am not one to give advice on anything, but I just want you to know that I am here, and I love listening to you.
    I have mother issues too. I am really young, and so I still live with her. It feels so suffocating. She is the farthest away from a siren as a woman can get, and it makes me feels so sad. Some days all I want to do is to help her… and other days I want to run away from her, because I feel scared of becoming like her. The more time you spend with someone, the more you pick up their habits… and I am scared of this happening. She is incommunicative, she doesn’t care for herself, she doesn’t pay attention to her needs, her feelings, and she constantly explodes.. she is so stuffed with anger and pain, and she just says she’s alright and smiles, or just stomps off. She is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met. Being around her makes me feel awful, I want home to be where I can grow and develop and get in touch with myself, but it feels SO HARD around her . She is beautiful, but her jaw is always set in such a tight locked position, her anger never is truly felt and never really gone. Everything feels so tight and forced and pained in our interactions, I feel locked up and want to breath fresh air. I want her to experience this journey with me, but I don’t know how I’ll ever help her.
    Wow. I’ve never talked about this with anyone before. Okay, so that was a long, un-spellchecked rant…
    I feel really triggered by my mother.

  117.  #117RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    Oh and Tereana-110, I am praying for you to be able to move out of under her roof soon…. xoxo

  118.  #118Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    Btw, in case anyone is curious, I looked it up and found this article. It’s from a reputable source, so I don’t think it’s all just fear-mongering. Although I’ll admit I really didn’t believe it the first time I heard about it. But now I’m starting to think some of this may apply to me. And if it does, then it makes me sad and angry, because there really isn’t anything to do about it :-(. But first I want to get tested and find out…

  119.  #119Butterfly Wings on April 26, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    Mercedes – thanks for the link to the settling him in tool.

    To be honest, I’m not all that sure what’s strategic about it. What she talks about there is basically what’s happening now with my new man, and it’s happened naturally.

    Maybe the strategic part is the bit where it’s not happening naturally, and this is using your boy energy to move things in that direction? Am I right?

    Thanks again! 🙂

  120.  #120Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Wow, Riley, that was such a great description of your mother. I could really picture her and get a sense for her, and feel the frustration you must have. My other has different issues, but I think that, no matter what the issues are, when a mother relationship is strained, then I think it hard on the child, no matter what, even if that “child” is a full-grown adult.

    Wow, I literally just felt a pain on my chest. Like not a heartache, but a physical pain.

    I wish I could choose not to feel affected by her. But when I try that, it just leaves me vulnerable and open to being blindsided by her “stuff.” I spend as much time away from the house as I can. It hurts me, too, like you, Riley, that “home” isn’t a comfortable, happy place, where I can go to be myself and to flourish. Instead it is where I feel small, insignificant, and downtrodden. It is a place of contraction, tension, and stress. It is everything uncomfortable for me. I wish to G-d that it wasn’t. But that’s the way it is…

    Thank you for your thoughts, and sharing your experience! May you hopefully find that time and space when you can move on as well…

  121.  #121Tereana on April 26, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    As usual, I have some mixed feelings about the man I’ve just broken up with. On the one hand, I really don’t think of him as a bad guy. That seems impossible. But even if things could be patched up with him, would I want them to be? Hm.. That was the question on my mind tonight.

    And I remembered that he was a little insensitive with my feelings (at least it felt that way to me). He was oblivious and asked me deeply personal questions at times when I was not prepared. Could I deal with those qualities long-term? Probably not. Just the lateness would be one thing, if that were it. But I need someone with special skill who can address my feelings gently, but with confidence. Someone with a magic touch…who can make my body feel alive and wonderful as well. Because of course, my emotions are in my body, too…

    I’m really looking forward to my trip next weekend. I’ll get to be away for five days, with plans to see friends, mild weather, a wedding, and of course, S. He said he plans to come meet me after my plane lands and said it would be “his pleasure.” I left it at that. S is a special person. He is a dominant partner. He understands feelings. He loves to please me. And he had a wonderful touch. I relax so much around him. We click on a lot of levels. We don’t want the same things, when it comes to relationship. But part of me doesn’t even care. I just want to enjoy the chance to visit and see how it goes…something to look forward to…

  122.  #122Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    Azure Blu –
    105- Cool, I made a script and wasn’t really thinking of it as such. I’ve been afraid of making scripts for a long time. I don’t know if it’s a good script. The sirens on this blog are AMAZING with scripts and I’m awed when I read them because it’s as though I learn so much from reading them. It is so easy for me to get all twisty scared when a situation is uncomfortable. I do understand that need for gentle caring touches from a man when we’re on a date – touch makes me purr like a kitty!

    107 – They like playing pool on a date with you – yay! I would say to my ex when we’re dating how I’m itching to play pool – never happened. Pity, we could have had so much fun. I like pool because it’s a relaxed way to hang out and there’s so much opportunity for playful teasing he he. Also, since I’m so bad at it, I don’t have to take myself seriously. And although it is doing something, I feel very feminine when I’m there, can’t explain it.

  123.  #123Veronica on April 26, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Riley The Owl – 106 – oh thank you, I needed this to get me all inspired xo

  124.  #124T-Girl on April 26, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    I am so excited to think that I will be married to the love of my life in 47 days. This man is truly amazing and we have been having the best (even if diffucult) conversations as homework from our marriage preparation classes. I have been using everything I have learned here from Rori and our conversations are so heartfelt and bring tears to both of us. I am truly blessed.

  125.  #125Millie on April 26, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    To answer Dominique and Tereana–
    The person who said to me “there is no integrity in sex” was actually a male friend who is married! It is hard for me to relate to where he would be coming from with that, since his relationship HAS integrity and he has only been with two women in his entire life. So perhaps, I should consider the source.

  126.  #126Ali on April 26, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I haven’t been on here and years. Mercedes I agree. 🙂 I’m open to change but, it is a lot different.

  127.  #127Millie on April 26, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    I had a great time spending the day with my engaged girlfriend. This is the same girl who I used to feel insecure around and she had called me immature. I don’t feel that way around her anymore, in fact I feel very honored and respected and valued by her. She is including me in the wedding and sharing all that is going on. So that feels good. She also stood up for me today to a mutual guy friend. It felt really good to hear that…This guy is proving to be a bit skeezy and in my book, is low on the totem pole as far as “good” men go. He and I flirt through text a bit and he said “you suck.” I replied, “I’m not going there, haha.” He said back,” you should, guys dig girls who do!”
    Uck….I felt a bit disgusted by that. It seems like a manipulative comment to me. I was thinking in my head– Who do you think I am? Some stupid chick who is going to fall hook line and sinker for that in return for shreds of your approval? Um….no. It is amazing to me what comes out of these men I seem to be surrounded with’s mouths, these men in their almost mid-forties and late thirties, sound to me like pre-pubescent boys! I didn’t respond to him. I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel like explaining anything.
    Tired of these skeezy guys…NEXT! haha

  128.  #128RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Millie-125… Ick ick ick at that guys texts… Ewww I feel so turned off just reading it. When I get things like that, I often feel overwhelmed by my urge to show the guy who’s being immature and disrespectful who I REALLY am, (that I am sooo much better than he thinks and put myself first…) but now I’m realizing that it is much better for me to just accept that I shouldn’t be, shouldn’t need or want to prove anything at all to him…. Just not worth it. You are awesome for not answering and listening to yourself, go you! Xoxo

  129.  #129RileyTheOwl on April 26, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Millie-125… Ick ick ick at that guys texts… Ewww I feel so turned off just reading it. When I get things like that, I often feel overwhelmed by my urge to show the guy who’s being immature and disrespectful who I REALLY am, (that I am sooo much better than he thinks and put myself first…) but now I’m realizing that it is much better for me to just accept that I shouldn’t be, shouldn’t need or want to prove anything at all to him…. Just not worth it. You are awesome for not answering and listening to yourself, go you! Xoxo

  130.  #130Mandy on April 26, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    My parents are moving me out of this apartment and into another and leaving my boyfriend in the dust because he’s an alcoholic, and me being disabled, they pay my rent.

    So…All this around me won’t be here anymore and I don’t know where J will be or what will happen.

    I know he needs help. But this isn’t how I wanted it to happen, and I feel like it’s my fault.

    I feel so helpless and scared and I can’t stop crying…even though I am well taken care of and will be…

    I just don’t know what to do with myself right now…

  131.  #131Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Millie 125,

    If it were me, I would have responded to his text “Oh, that would be such useful information if only I cared about whether such guys like me or not.”

    I also kind of agree with you in the sense that I know several guys who are heading into their late thirties who still talk like this, and who think that this frat boy talk is somehow ok around women. I have just decided to give them a wide berth and hope that all nice girls do the same.

  132.  #132Indigo on April 26, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Tereana 110,


    I used to have HUGE problems with my mother too when I was younger. Our relationship has healed and is literally 1000 times better now, though admittedly this only happened after I moved out of home.

    One thing I would strongly encourage you to do is set very firm, yet calm, but non-negotiable boundaries with your mom. Practice walking away if she is making derisive comments or if the conversation doesn’t feel good. Yes, even mid-conversation, leave the room. This is what I did and my mom eventually got the message about what I was and was not prepared to accept. If you do it calmly and from a perspective of love for yourself rather than anger at her, it can be very powerful. I believe this is about self-love and self-validation for you.


  133.  #133Veronica on April 27, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Millie – 125 – Wow, some men just disqualify themselves, no effort required at all. When they come knocking on my door like that, I don’t even answer the door because I don’t recognize that call. Woo that last sentence made me feel sassy.

  134.  #134Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Happy Sunday!

    So, I woke up this morning feeling quite low & sorry for myself. I kept hitting the snooze on my alarm for an hour or so & I eventually rolled out of bed at 8.30.

    I was supposed to be going on a bike ride today but I just couldn’t get up this morning.

    My body obviously needed the sleep. Yesterday I had a lovely day making pasta at a friends house. It felt nice not to have to worry about D anymore, yet I still felt very, very lost and that I had a big, empty space inside of me where he used to be.

    I feel callous to say I will move on. It feels too harsh to even think like that. I guess this is the unresolved feelings of confusion I feel.

    So today I eased myself into the day bit by bit, coffee by coffee. I chatted to a friend about life, work & relationships. He is in a similar situation to me and is trying to make it work with somebody but not feeling sure. Always feeling like he nay change his mind at any point. In the past he has found commitment hard but now wants to commit. I hope he wants to commit for the right reasons and he doesn’t mess this poor woman around again.

    Maybe I am just feeling cynical.

    I spoke to a friend at length yesterday about my break-up and he feels it was a long time coming and that it was always on the cards. We were just never ‘right’ for each other – yet over time we had become each others best friend & great physical intimacy to boot. It still makes me feel so confused. Am I putting in my own barriers? I certainly don’t think so.

    I just think about how he never picked up on what I wanted to do. I felt like I was just his sidekick. A mini him if you will. I didn’t like that and I couldn’t handle it. I am my own unique person and I have my own wants and needs. I felt scared to tell him what I wanted to do because he always had something better to suggest, a better plan, a better everything. I think I felt pretty useless in my own relationship & nobody wants that. I felt
    trapped. I felt suppressed.

    I feel like I have met a new dawn. A rebirth. I should be running free but I feel stalled at the first hurdle.

    I am still slowly unwinding and planning my day. I am looking at cook books as I have a lovely whole salmon to cook. (Any ideas welcome) . I am probably going for a run too.

    I feel I have lost my mojo. It is very hard to motivate myself. I am scared I won’t be able to without him around. I will go to pieces without him and I will become a couch potato.


  135.  #135Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Sorry to go on.

    I think I am scared of not having attention from my ex-boyfriend. On a fun & exciting level he brought a lot of happiness to my life.

    He pushed and encouraged me to do things I would have never done on my own. He was always pushing me & I felt I always impressed him by taking up the challenge.

    But inside I felt we both knew that I was only doing it to impress him, and as soon as his back was turned I went back to being my usual lazy, day-dreaming self. And I felt he knew that and that’s why I would never be good enough for him.

    He was an incredibly driven & powerful man and I am just not like that. I felt he was with me but he was not really being full-filled. Yet on another level he really wanted me because opposite attract. Ahhh, it’s soooo hard… It’s going round and round in my head.

    He acts like he doesn’t want to be with me, but on the other had he doesn’t want to let me go.

    What is the solution?

  136.  #136Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 7:32 am

    I wonder if I was purely stroking this man’s ego. Making him feel attractive again.

    I truly believe that if I give him the cold shoulder & play hard to get he will crawl back behind the rock that he came out of. I don’t feel him sincere in his love for me. Call it women’s intuition or sixth sense. Do I sound harsh? It is what I feel.

    I have had an a-ha moment. I will drop all exceptions and will not think about outcomes. I will let the chips fall to the ground as they should be. I will not try to control anything.

    I will say no and mean it. If he wants to see me he will find a way. I’m not going to try and make it easy for him just because I am worried he will give up.

  137.  #137Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Veronica 131,
    I LOVE this…
    I don’t even open the door cause I don’t recognize the call!!!
    That IS very sassy…
    I copied and pasted that in my “thoughts for the day”!!!
    Weee Hooo!!

  138.  #138GlowStix on April 27, 2014 at 7:41 am

    I am not sure how I kept up with the blog when it had 1000+ posts. I did…
    I can hardly keep up now and there are only 100.
    It all felt so “soupy” back then. So maybe I was just deeper in it…Hmmm

    The discussion about the shift in direction intrigues me. I actually do remember reading “settling him in”. I don’t remember what the tool was. It must not have felt useful to me if it did not stick with me. If the title speaks to the tool I feel unsurprised. :p

    Something else triggered me from the previous post…About “committing in the most public ways” makes it harder to bail….
    I get what is being said. Yet I feel all boiling in my belly and nervous and hot in my shoulders and on my chest.
    Public commitments (I mean this in the sense of sharing and baring my feelings in front of the public (people I know etc)) feels utterly terrifying. I remember doing it. I remember nothing OF doing it, other than the gripping fear.
    I love my fear…I don’t have to ever do that again if I don’t want to. That is a boundary. I do not want to stand in front of lots of people and share my love. No thanks.
    I will do it quietly, privately.
    I feel like a big slashface emoticon :-/. Like…I don’t want or need that to make it “harder to bail”.
    The utter shame I felt that kept me from bailing on abuse and toxicity and lies and manipulation and adultery…I knew the “public” would know we couldn’t make it work. Kept me from bailing indeed…It wasn’t until I got OVER that that I was able to bail.
    So I still have some healing to do…cool. And at the same time I feel resistant to healing in order to live up to what someone else says.

    I am learning from experience that commitment is daily business. A constant practice involving 2 people making a choice by the day, hour, minute.
    Maybe I just feel more at ease knowing there isn’t that “force” hanging over either of us. I want to KNOW we can, have, and will do it because we have made that choice every day.


  139.  #139GlowStix on April 27, 2014 at 7:53 am

    All that aside I am experiencing a very sensual weekend 🙂 I feel blessed, content, adored and juicy. I feel amazed and the events we have danced through and the beauty of the steps…The deep dips and lifts and twirls and also sometimes I think it’s a more volatile dance, with passion and wildness and pushing and pulling. And still we dance the dance together as a team. Voila!

    Happy day 🙂

  140.  #140Cupcake on April 27, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Hi, Sirens-

    I’m gone from New City, back at my mom’s house in The Horrible State. (That is a place, not my attitude. It really is horrible here, unless you like boarded-up strip malls. Suburban blight. But I digress.)

    I had to leave New City because I didn’t have a full time job and the temp work I was doing didn’t bring in enough to survive on. There’s a chance that a job I interviewed for there before I left will come through, and if so, I’ll go back. If not, I’ll head north to The Mountain State, where I own a house.

    In the meantime, being at my moms is a trigger, not because my mom is a problem but rather because when I was living here is when I was getting to know Lord Voldemort, and where I was when he flew here to meet me, and over Christmas when I was back here is when we sort of started renegotiations, and then he disappeared on me.

    So I feel myself stirred up a little, things here reminding me of him, and I am feeling angry. There’s been no contact in 3 months, and I don’t really think I will ever hear from him again.

    I feel so angry and disappointed in him. I want to get this letter out of my head, out of my heart. So I am posting it here.

    Dear Lord V.,

    Next time you pat yourself on the back for that marvelous sense of empathy you talk about, imagine how it felt when you went from being the person I interacted with most, cared about most, a person who assured me that the bond between us was genuine and indivisible – to being a stranger who, in the course of two curt emails, slammed the door in my face, and couldn’t take the time to help me understand what to me felt like a world-shaking change.

    Nice empathy, that.

    Now I see who you really are.

    What a pity you still don’t see it yourself.

    Take a flying eff at the moon.

    PS- You are an absolutely horrible kisser. I was kissed better in the janitors closet at the 8th grade Cotillion.

  141.  #141Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Tereana and Indigo,
    Be brave my fellow sirens
    I too had a mother like that…
    I think many mothers become that…
    Seems not to have skipped any generation… :-}

    Indigo I LOVE how you sweetly walked out of the room when you felt disrespected etc.

    I avoided much contact with my Mom ( I think I actually hated her) for years
    When I did have contact I was usually sooo angry I would yell at her…
    about 10 years ago I realized I was treating her exactly the same as she treated me –
    not liking who I was,
    trying to change me,
    saying cruel, thoughtless things whenever

    In my slow, stumbling attempt…
    I decided to accept HER, my darling mom, just like she is,
    cold hearted
    No compassion
    SLOWLY, over time I was able to show her my love
    while walking away when I didn’t like what she said or did…

    Making missteps, 1 step forward and 2 steps back
    I stopped being a needy child…
    I became CURIOUS about my mother as a person

    Asking her questions about her childhood.
    Asking if what she said meant she missed me (she’d get angry instead of feeling anything)
    Asking about her marriage to my father
    all sorts of questions about our families past
    Hospital stays I would be there with her all nights
    Giving her love she sooo craved…
    I believe She has felt my love for the past 10 years… (it takes time… :->
    We have become the BEST of friends,
    She’s much kinder
    She calls ME now on a daily basis (she would Never do that before)
    she has helped me by giving such great wise advise
    and when I have needed financial help she has been MORE than generous!!

    I feel loved by my mother!!!
    Did you feel the earth shift? :-]

    I would have never believed it…
    I feel sooo lucky to have had the chance to nurture this relationship with my MOM

    I was motivated by Harriet Lerner (the Dance of Anger)
    She believes we cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone (bf, gf, children, siblings, coworkers) if we haven’t resolved some of our first family issues.

    when I change… wellll… There is hope dear ones…

  142.  #142Indigo on April 27, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Azure Blu

    That is beautiful 🙂

    I have a very good relationship with my mother now, but it was not always so. It was truly AWFUL at one time.

    I also found that the healing came when I was able to step out of the child role. When I was able to let go of the (completely justifiable) expectations I had of her as a child and young person, and just forgive her for being far less than perfect. I made a vow that I would give MYSELF what I needed from her, and so I was able to “let her off the hook” so to speak.

    Our dynamic did a complete 180. I used to fear her, and now I am able to both give and require respect.

    My mom’s problem was also one of anger… uncontrollable rage, actually. And I think that is where my fascination with the phenomenon of anger began. Anger covers many things, but most of all powerlessness, I believe, and I believe it can be healed.

  143.  #143Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 9:35 am

    Tereana: Thank you! I was really nervous about posting it here but when I LOVE something I talk about it…so…I thought…just once I’ll offer it to the women here and see if they are interested. Love the product and I’m making a little money on the side (grocery money right now but who knows where that will go…it’s just hosting parties online). I appreciate seeing support. 🙂

    Butterfly Wings: Yes. I think the strategic part is when we use it as a “tool” and we use our boy energy to make it happen and we learn how to do it from a relationship coach. Much different than when it happens naturally. Naturally is good. 🙂 Like I said, even Rori referred to it as strategic. She’s sees it but for someone reason decided to go that angle instead of sticking to feelings like she always has. Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. I was just commenting that the tool is when I noticed the shift around here and it isn’t as comfortable for ME. Her blog though. Not my choice what’s posted. haha!

    Much Love,

  144.  #144Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Ali: Good to see you again!!! 🙂 Different…yes… Like I said…not necessarily anything wrong with that. It’s her blog and she can take it where she wants to go but it feels like maybe it is for a different audience than it was in the past. I can’t really complain though. I took down my personal blog where I posted about my life and my relationship and now I only post on my business blog. If I want a relationship blog to run the way I want it to run, I suppose I would have to start my own. I don’t want to do that so here I am commenting on the difference here and…well…not expecting to change anything. lol

    Really good to see you here again! Hope life is treating you well!!!

    Much Love,

  145.  #145Kyla on April 27, 2014 at 9:58 am


    Thank you so much for thinking of me and for sharing the course to help me make the career jump! Always thinking of you xxxooo

  146.  #146Kyla on April 27, 2014 at 9:59 am

    I’m having a very happy weekend filled with laughing, kids, friends, activities, food and love. All my love to all of you xxxooo

  147.  #147Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 10:02 am

    (((Tereana))) (((Mandy))) Sending peaceful vibes your way today. Yesterday was hard for both of you. May you find strength and love today…

    Much Love,

  148.  #148Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 10:03 am

    T-Girl!!! Wedding approaching…happy times…love in the air!!! Blessings to you and congratulations!!

    Much Love,

  149.  #149Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:04 am

    GlowStix 136
    I feel very inspired when I read this:

    “I am learning from experience that commitment is daily business. A constant practice involving 2 people making a choice by the day, hour, minute.
    ….I want to KNOW we can, have, and will do it because we have made that choice every day.”
    Thank you

  150.  #150Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Ingido 140,
    I feel happy to hear about your healed relationship with your Mom…

    How interesting to hear that you became the mother you wanted/needed…
    I did that too…
    It is sooo Powerful to be able to fill in the gaps of lack of love and nurturing by LOVING ME!! YAY

    … Yes uncontrollable rage
    exactly how my mother was
    But it was impossible for a child/teen to spot cause she never raised her voice
    She punished by withdrawing her love for days, weeks, years
    and playing weird head games…
    VERY scary…
    Mmmm… anger is a sign of powerlessness…
    I’m feeling curious about this…

  151.  #151Indigo on April 27, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Thank you for the hugs, Azure Blu

    ((((hugs)))) back to you. That must have been awful for you.

    There is a theory of emotions (Karla McLaren) that I subscribe to, which says that emotions are messengers, and that once you get the message and change something in response, the emotion starts to dissipate on its own.

    The theory behind anger is that it has to do with violation of boundaries… so people who are angry are usually responding to an instance, or many instances, where their boundaries have been crossed. Or it could be anger turned inward against the self (shame or guilt) for violating someone else’s boundaries.

    Anger can be quite common in sensitive people, or small people, who are used to other people violating their boundaries. And you can get a huge breakthrough in how you deal with them by searching for their boundaries and seeking to respect it.

    (I’m going off on a tangent I know, so please forgive me, but this subject fascinates me.)

  152.  #152Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:21 am

    RileytheOwl 114
    This feels sooo difficult…

  153.  #153Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Tereana 118
    I am praying you will find a place that will feel like “home”
    I feel heart ache when I read about your situation right now…

    “I spend as much time away from the house as I can. It hurts me, too, like you, Riley, that “home” isn’t a comfortable, happy place, where I can go to be myself and to flourish.”

  154.  #154Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Wow!!! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding…
    I feel happy to hear how the Rori tools are helping with a long term committment!!
    How did you meet your fiance?

  155.  #155Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Ali and T-girl, good to se you both back! 🙂 T-girl, that’s amazing that you’re on your way to getting married! Wow, congratulations!! : ) so exciting…

  156.  #156Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:33 am

    thnxs for the hugs!!! 🙂

    Thnk you for sharing these thoughts about anger…
    I too am fascinated by it’s power and the different ways it shows up and why…
    Very interesting and helpful!!!

  157.  #157Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 10:39 am

    I appreciate all the comments about difficult experiences with moms. I feel challenged to read some of them about the healing that’s taken place, only because I feel I am not near that, right now. I may be on the path, or I may not be. But right now I think I am just at the stage of feeling the deep hurt and betrayal. And even though I’ve felt it for years, it’s coming up especially potent, fresh and raw right now. Which is probably a good thing. But I also know that I have to take my own steps on my own path. And what worked for another woman with her mother may or may not be the same solution for me.

    I’m coming to think that Rori’s tools, and leaning back, and self-care are also good to use in a situation like this. Because instead of getting over there with the other person and trying to “figure then out,” you stay in your own awareness, you look at your options, and you decide what’s best for YOU.

    I like the referral to that book. That sounds great. I might check it out. Because I agree – no matter what work and self-care I do, it feels like no intimate relationship will “work” for me until this core issue is resolved – inside me, not outside. Where it needs to be resolved.

    And I may be on the path. Taking the step to go public and bare my feelings has allowed people that I know to step forward and really offer support. And that’s what I’ve been missing – sense of support. It’s one thing I wanted from M more than he was giving. But he’s just one person. Now I feel it from many people, and I feel stronger inside already.

    I’m experiencing shifts and new awareness and self-acceptance today…all of this will serve me well in the future, or maybe even today.

    It was scary to say how I felt in a public realm. Even my boss is on Facebook! But one berated me for feeling the way I do. Instead they offered words of support, just like here. I feel grateful…

  158.  #158Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Cupcake 138
    3 months not hearing from a man who said allll those loving, committement words
    I would be feeling so sad and disrespected too!!!

    I have found letters always help to get my anger out on the page…
    And sometimes I mail them… ;-]

    I feel happy your not with a man with HORRIBLE kisses!!
    Nothing good can ever come of that… LOL!!

  159.  #159Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 10:42 am

    *no one berated me. I think I felt afraid that people would be angry at me for feeling that way about my own mom. It felt “wrong,” in like some moral way that I was ashamed of. But I feel that much less now. It feels good to be accepted…

  160.  #160Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Thank you, Azure Blu. Thank you, everyone : )

  161.  #161Indigo on April 27, 2014 at 10:52 am


    I hope you take extra loving care of yourself.

  162.  #162Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 10:53 am

    I don’t want to sound angry, but it’s hard for me to fight the nasty feelings that come up around “boundaries.” Yes. That’s a great idea. I’ve been practicing it for years. Or trying to. But it’s like trying to is a FM with my mother. She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t have the language. She will nod her Head and say “ok” then proceed to trample all of my boundaries and sense of privacy and personal space. There is a real lack of understanding there. And sometimes I have to enforce my boundaries STRONGLY. But my mom is not a normal person. That is what I have to start with. Because I normal person would understand a boundary. She sees it as a “teaser” or a challenge. Or maybe an invitation to do exactly the thing I asked her not to do. This has been years, and years, and years of frustration. I have very strong boundaries and a sense of self. But it is her interpretation that “love” means having a blank check to do whatever you want, and free reign to ignore the other person’s boundaries. I STRONGLY disagree. And it’s one of the things that makes a relationship with her so unhealthy. I appreciate the well-meaning advice. But I’ve been there. And at this point, that approach is essentially like hitting my head against a brick wall, over and over again. I’m the only one who gets hurt in the end with that. So it’s up to me to make boundaries with myself and observe them myself. I can neither trust not rely on her to do that. Which is painful. But it’s part of what I have to accept about her personality, and set that strong boundary within that says “I don’t agree with that. That’s not me.”

  163.  #163Indigo on April 27, 2014 at 10:58 am


    I’m sorry you seem to feel triggered.

    I have trust in you that you know what’s best for your situation, and will do what’s best for you.


  164.  #164Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Tereana: I feel you here. I was fortunate in that I had the means to remove myself from my mother’s life. I haven’t seen or talked to her in many, many years. Is that sad? Probably…for some I guess. For me, it is better. It allowed me to become the woman I was supposed to be. I have very, very little contact with most of my family. I am close to a few (not physically close…I live far away from all of them but emotionally close and we talk and I see them when I can). As I said, I was fortunate to have that ability. I feel your pain from my own perspective though and just want to say I also have people that could have or should have respected boundaries but for whatever reason didn’t. They are no longer a part of my life.

    Just sharing…

    Much Love,

  165.  #165Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Waterfall 134
    I feel your anxiety…
    and I feel happy you have found your aha moment!! and you are feeling like letting go
    Letting go has always been VERY difficult for me…

    I too was in this same place this month
    An exclusive relationship of 4 months (we saw each other almost every day)… we took a brake (supposedly a week)- involving issues we both weren’t happy about

    I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks and i texted him
    I said “I feel sad we have not reconnected after 3 weeks what did he think?”
    He said he would call

    Didn’t hear from him… 2 more weeks
    I was sooo hurt, angry, anxious
    Reading the blog daily to keep my siren vibe
    Wrote a letter… didn’t mail it…

    I started CDing and it took some of my loneliness and anxiety (not a good vibe) away
    He texted me today and said he wanted to talk..

    All this space gave me the time to really feel MY feelings – concentrate on ME…

    I know I dont’ like his personality
    or his rudeness
    He is NOT a kind man
    He beats people up with his money
    he is also a feminine man… not what i want
    and I HATE the way he kisses (THAT is a deal breaker :-))
    My text back will be
    Thank you for your text… I feel sad but our relationship didn’t work for me or you.
    I wish you the best

  166.  #166April Rose on April 27, 2014 at 11:24 am


    I hear you.

    I came onto the blog after sitting in my feelings about close family members. I want to treat them the same as anyone else. If they don’t cherish my feelings then I want to keep my distance. Maybe even no contact for a while.

    Hearing about Mercedes not seeing her Mom would have shocked me not long ago. Now I totally get it and respect that powerful choice.

  167.  #167Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Tereana 160.
    I feel YOUR BRAVERY in how you are finding your power regarding the relationship with your mother…
    YAY you!! 🙂

    I believe It important to express your feelings here.
    Your boundaries are sacred…

    I didn’t speak to my mother for years…
    the relationship we have now is after 2 decades of ME raising Auzre to be a grown woman :-}

    I didn’t speak to my father until the day he died (25 years) and I do NOT regret this choice.

    Stay strong on the inside!!!

  168.  #168Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Thank you AR. I just can’t have toxic people in my life. I tried…it’s not like I gave up on it easily. I tried. And I even forgave a lot. It’s not that I hate her (or any of them. I don’t really have much hate left in my heart at all for anyone), I just *know* her (from my own perspective and experience that is). And knowing her and knowing *me* means I have to do what is best. What is best for me is that I not have toxic people in my life. I love life. I’m happy. I’m surrounded by positivity and love and life and…I LIKE it that way. If my mother called me, I would talk to her and see how it went. If she came to visit I would get her a hotel room. I wouldn’t have her in my home. Same with others in my family. I just can’t have that negative vibe near me. I just can’t. Life is too short and too good for me to allow it to be destroyed by anyone else.

    Much Love,

  169.  #169Femininewoman on April 27, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Azure I wouldn’t. It seems you are now in the position of power and will be giving it up. I would choose “you know where to find me when you are ready”. I am afraid of intimacy and am building up my communication with men skills so I’d be curious about how’d I’d be able to interact/listen to him through my anger and disappointment. Not talking with him would be like a cop out for me.

  170.  #170Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Thank you sooo much for this thoughtful insight

    I LOVE to run away….
    What you are saying feels good…
    Talking to my daughter and gf (they don’t understand the RR tools) they thought I should not practice.

    I struggle with intimacy SOOO much.
    KS and I did talk about our boundaries a month ago…
    I loved that I was able to interact – even though I was feeling disappointment, hurt, anger- a VERY big change for me (Yay RR tools)

    His text to me today was him coming toward me
    He is asking for what I wanted – a chance to discuss what happened

    I feel sooo sad and heart broken that yet another bf didn’t work out
    I feel I may never be with a wonderful man…
    I’m proud of MY love for ME
    my boundaries
    how I cd
    but I would love to practice a forever relationship…

    I will text KS “lets talk on Tues. how will that work for you?”
    thank you FM

  171.  #171Indigo on April 27, 2014 at 12:00 pm


    I am afraid of intimacy too. My mom pointed this out to me. I’m not sure I would have thought of it otherwise. But it was useful having it pointed out to me, as now I can consciously choose to push my comfort zone in little ways.

  172.  #172April Rose on April 27, 2014 at 12:15 pm


    I love the simplicity and the strength of your choices.

    I’m finding as I move more towards who I am, the less I am identifying with my birth family. I don’t want to be sentimental about people any more.
    (I like taking that word apart; sent-i-mental !!!)

  173.  #173Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    AR: 🙂 I just feel too grownup and happy to deal with anything negative for too long. I need positive people so I can continue to grow my own positive vibe. People who bring me down are….I don’t know….I just don’t have time for it anymore. lol

    Much Love,

  174.  #174Dominique on April 27, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Tereana – I want you to know that though I don’t address you directly very often, I see you and read all of your posts. And I think you’re amazing. You have such a wonderful way to process, work through what’s going on with you that I don’t feel the need to add anything more.

    As for the mother thing and I’m not saying this is you or your relationship with yours, sometimes just getting to the point where there is no animosity yet no bonding either is the best connection you will ever have, and this is okay too. It takes two to make a healthy relationship, and if only one is able, then only one is able. There can be gentle interaction without deep connection, and this can feel good too. This is what I have with mine, and I have come to embrace this and her. She is who she is, and she has her had her own scarred past. And I find my deeper connections elsewhere.


  175.  #175Dominique on April 27, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    And I meant to add that sometimes you do have to walk away.


  176.  #176Millie on April 27, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Indigo 129–That’s a great response! I will put it away for future use! This guy feeds off of attention…and what’s sad is that he and I aren’t attracted to each other, we never have been, so the fact that he is “taking it where he can get it” is pretty sad to me. He will be someone I go out and fun with in groups, but we will never be close friends.

  177.  #177Millie on April 27, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Ladies….I have a secret to admit..I feel high and mighty these days! I feel like I’m better than these guys around me. I also feel detached from their comments. For example, previously if a man made a comment to me that revealed he just wants sex, I might have internalized that as “how is MY behavior making him think that is ok with me, or..I must be coming across as trampy.” But now I feel like their comments have nothing to do with me! Their comments are about THEM and who they are right now. It feel like..I can flirt and have fun, but I have boundaries and these flippant comments bounce right off it. I feel like if I were to anything that resembled a lecture, it would come across as investing too much in them. I don’t care, so for me turning my back, walking away, not responding, turning my energy towards something, someone better, feels right.
    I feel like I’m in a totally different league now. Hmmm…I like feeling this way. I like feeling a bit selfish too! It’s a nice shift for me!

  178.  #178Millie on April 27, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    131 Veronica–Yes ma’am. These guys are just disqualifying themselves! No effort on my part needed!

  179.  #179Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Yay to High and Mighty!!!
    And Selfish!!
    ….turning my back, NOT responding
    My energy to something, someone better..
    this Vibe is rubbing off…

  180.  #180Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I feel the soft, gentleness in this
    “…it take 2 to make a healthy relationship
    There can be gentle interaction without deep connection, and this can feel good too.”
    Just lovely…

  181.  #181Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Talking about mothers…

    Wow, I feel like I have just had an enourmous a-ha moment. Thank you April Rose.

    I realise a lot of my fear of the future is bound up in my fear of intimacy. I realise I have a belief, if you will, that I will only ever find a deep connection, bond & love with my family or those connected to my family.

    I believe, on some level, that no-one in my current orbit will love me. In my head I mean nothing to them. This is why in my mind I always desperately want boyfriends to meet my family because I believe in my head it seals the connection. I yearn beyond belief for this. It really literally keeps me awake at night and I feel tormented by it.

    All I yearn for is the feeling of connection, of family. Yet somehow, in my mind, and also my heart I don’t believe that new people in my life will care about me in the same way.

    I am truly bizarre. I only seem to feel connected to the people from my birth town and where I grew up. I am now questioning and wondering why I hold such deep seated beliefs.

    I now live in London. Miles from home, and miles from anyone who ever knew me. And I am scared of this. I have been scared for so long.

    I hate and loathe the fear that I cling too. Is it sentimentality? I don’t know. But reading April Roses post I wonder if it is.

    Will I ever feel secure again? Can I make a life fir myself miles from home. Why do I have this fear??

  182.  #182Kyla on April 27, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Lots of itsy bitsy triggers today, nothing bad but my sensitivities were definitely being touched and I felt a little sadness in there. Don’t know why but I felt really good to say goodbye and go my own way this afternoon when he realised the traffic was so bad. I felt even better saying ‘no thanks have fun’ when he called to suggest a bbq on the way to dropping his kids home. I felt the need to retreat and regroup and I’d already arranged to pick up my daughter and visit my parents. Chilling out with dad and the soccer on tv now and feeling more grounded. I can’t put my finger on it. I just felt so happy to leave even though I was feeling so happy there.. I’m now feeling happy at the thought of being home in my own space, having a long bath and an early night 🙂

  183.  #183Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Azure Blu

    Thank you for taking the time to comment.

    I am also interested in what you say about your boyfriend being a ‘bad kisser”. I am intrigued to know how you got around that while dating him? Do you think he picked up on this?

  184.  #184Veronica on April 27, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Azure Blu – 135 – Your energy has me smiling.

    I felt jolted when I read that your mom would withdraw for long periods of time. I wondered what it would take for me to do that to my own child and I could sense the deep self-hurting that I would do to myself in order to withdraw and then again with the realization that I was doing this to my child. I have this impulse to just wrap your child-self in my arms.

  185.  #185Veronica on April 27, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    ((((((((Tereana))))))))))) I feel good knowing that you experienced acceptance in this very difficult time for you.

  186.  #186Veronica on April 27, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Waterfall – I feel connected to what you’re saying about feeling left out of.your own relationship – so much so that I feel haunted by it. I too felt that way about my previous relationship, there was this implicit undercurrent that our interactions were on his time/according to his time. That, together with me feeling alienated from being IN my own relationship since there was also a closed-offness from him which he openly admitted to, I could never really decide if I wanted to be there. There was sharing, there was a connection but it was a ghostly relationship.

  187.  #187Veronica on April 27, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Spent the whole of today pretty much to myself. It was like staying in a warm comfy bed the whole day while it’s cold outside. And realised quite a few things about myself:

    I’m pretty good at keeping myself occupied, to the point where I’m laughing out loud. Watched a movie, tried some belly dancing moves from an instructional video somewhere, laughed at 90s fashion, read some articles, partook of the glorious dark chocolate etc.

    That being said, I recognise and have tenderness for my need for a real relationship, I want that connection, see it as a good for myself. I don’t confuse that with clinginess.

    That BM’s hold on me is diminishing fast.

    That BearCD may be communicating with me because he has nothing else to do – i.e lonely, boredom. Since he went on holiday, not a word. I don’t want that and am feeling gentleness about all of this (oh my what a relief)

    I like what I like and don’t want to have to develop a long list of ‘things that I like’ in order to have that say something about me, or more to the point, to have that stand for me. I feel released. (I didn’t have much exposure growing up to poetry, music, films etc and thought somehow I was ill-developed because of that – on the contrary, I’m just fine as I am.)

  188.  #188Waterfall on April 27, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    I realise that I am deeply under the spell of my ex-boyfriend. I think he had a power over me. Because somethings he said were very strange, almost creepy, and I would tell him that to his face.

    He was obsessed with women being dominatrixes. I don’t think he said things to be rude or nasty but I just wondered where his beliefs came from. It didn’t seem a particularly normal way to talk to your girlfriend.

    Oddly I think he thought he was a bit of a feminist and that women should use there sexual power over men. I really don’t like that.

    There was something creepy about him.

  189.  #189Brenda on April 27, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Hey and congrats thks for sharing this story. I to was in an imaginary relationship and still am my mind won’t let go.He has been in a real relationship for some time now and denies it but I don’t get all the important days in his life, we were together on his bday all day which was on a Thursday on but all while we were together he texted back and forth the woman and several other women I peaked at his phone a few times. We were together on my bday all day, Thanksgiving I seen him for an hr, Christmas we were together a day before and the next day he came to my house because he had keys and didn’t have a present so I told him to leave and he hit me and kicked me and left.

    We eventually started back talking because he continued to come by my house saying sorry I blocked him from calling but he’d call other people I knew or my daughter’s cell phone to get in touch with me.So I forgave him like an idiot he took me out to dinner and we had sex he gave me a ring and I had a tiny thought things would be different between us but I was totally wrong.The very next day he and I were in the rm and he kept asking me to do a 3 way and I said no, a few hrs later we were in bed he was on top of me and his friend came in the rm because all along he had left my back door opened. He asked me to give his friend oral I said no and he kept telling me to just do it and his friend stood over me while x had my legs stretched back and his friend had his penis on my lips I couldn’t move so I decided to just get it over with and do it, his friend asked him was he sure because I said no and he told his friend just go ahead and do it anyway.

    I thought that the day before he gave me a ring and we had a nice time that things were changing between us .He said when I ignored him for 2 weeks he didn’t like it he said he missed me and he hates when he can’t see me but the next day it was different.

    I was in love so deep I took alot from him.He’s in prison now and he calls several times a day if I don’t answer he doesn’t like it, I get a letter from him once a week, he wants me to constantly send naked photos that get sent back and I don’t and them anymore he gets irritated that he can’t have the photos he says that I should keep trying to send them, he wants phone sex and I don’t. Anytime I say no to anything he says that I’m being negative that I should just do it because of the situation he’s in and that now he’s ready for a one on one relationship with me.

    He says if he calls and I don’t answer he’ll go crazy or loose his mind.When he out and I wouldn’t answer his calls if I was trying to move on he would just come by my house and bang on my door, call me back to back, text and I would try to ride it out I did for 2 mths I ignored his calls I got a piece of paper from the police station, but eventually I’d give in he’d come over we’d have sex and the next day he’d be gone, he’d come by once or twice a week stay over have sex and be gone.He’d text every day, then it started he’d be at my house everyday. I assumed those were the days he and his girlfriend that he kept denying he had they Muts were having a disagreement.

    He did this for so many yrs maybe starting around 2009 but he and I have had the situation since 2002 Imaginary relationship.

  190.  #190Madi Brown on April 27, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Refreshed much? Yep. Madi Brown believes that there’s nothing more encouraging than reading a relationship success story. Hearing about divorces and break ups is so common these days—-God, I feel like I can breathe. And a Tiffany Ring? Girlfriend, you did WELL.

    For Reals, and love you the most,
    Madi Brown

  191.  #191Azure Blu on April 27, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Mmmmm… I feel so warm from your hug for the child in me… :-))

    I feel sooo much tenderness and gentleness from your last few posts
    Gentleness feels sooo good to me…
    you keep bringing me back to there…

    Your day feels so full of Self Love
    I’m thinking that when we get clearer about what we DONT want
    We’re getting closer to what we do want (doesn’t RR say that?)
    in a gentle, soft easy way….

  192.  #192Mandy on April 27, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Thank you Mercedes,

    I was feeling very unheard and unseen until I read that note from you here on this blog. Thank you…

    I know I’m a strong woman, but there’s only so much I can take, and it’s coming from my boyfriend and my parents, telling me what needs to be done when I know my own situation better than anyone.

    Feel so angry with my mother right now. First she tells me she’s cutting us off financially for our rent, then she explains no don’t worry she’s not cutting us off, etc…boyfriend thinks she hates him and it hurts him…thanks mom, I needed that stress on top of getting him healthy and managing his alcohol/depression…

    Sometimes I just want to stop time, crawl into a hole and stay there for a long time.

  193.  #193Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Mandy: I wonder if you give other people too much control over your own emotional state. Sometimes it is up to US to find the happiness…remove the stress…ignore or remove ourselves from the negative…see the beauty…enjoy the sun…breathe in the air…

    I would take my emotions back if I were you. You are the one in control. Nobody else.

    Take care of yourself hun…

    Much Love,

  194.  #194Liquid Light on April 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Just got back from my trip w Tex to New Orleans. What a whirlwind. He took me out to great restaurants and bars, we drank and ate really well. He was charming and fun and always trying to impress me. He kept upping the ante and one amazing experience would be followed by an even better one. I felt pampered and adored. Overall, it was a really magical trip but it ended on a down note.

    I found out that he is spending the next 5 or 6 months in France with another woman. He swears that she is just a friend and doesn’t feel anything romantic or sexual towards her. Says they don’t have sex. But also says that I won’t see him during this time for 5 or 6 months!!! This all came to light on our last night. Needless to say I was really taken aback. It didn’t help that we both had been drinking and were pretty tipsy.

    At the same time, he’s telling me he wants me to move to New Orleans at the end of the year (after his trip to France) and live with him in his new condo that he just purchased there (which happens to be gorgeous.) He says that I don’t need to work while I’m there, he’ll take care of my living expenses!

    I have such mixed emotions about all of it. On the one hand, the trip was fantastic, on the other hand, it was a bit dream-like and just didn’t seem real. It was a vacation, not real life.

    He’s a lot older than me (20 years) and though his spirit young and energy level is high, it feels weird to me to be with someone who is so much older. We get a lot of stares when we are out which feels weird. And I’m not that attracted to him physically.

    Part of me feels like I can get over the lack of attraction because he’s fun and because he’s so loaded (hahaha). But I definitely like living the good life and being treated and pampered so that’s very appealing to me.

    We didn’t have sex and he wasn’t even that aggressive probably because of his lack of libido at his age. I liked that but we did fool around a bit and I kinda had to convince myself to get into it.

    So I dunno what to make of it all. I’m exhausted from the non-stop partying and am cocooned at home today trying to recuperate.

    I could tell he felt kinda bad about my reaction to his being away for 6 months. I was upset about it and he kept trying to reassure me about his feelings for me (gave me a key to his condo but then asked for it back the next day when we sobered up, hahahaha!!!) So in the morning when I left, the vibe between us was a bit strained and awkward.

    I could just as easily walk away from this whole thing and not look back as I could see myself moving to New Orleans in 6 months!!! Ackkk, am I totally hopeless and pathetic???

  195.  #195Mandy on April 27, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Mercedes –

    Guilty as charged 🙂

    I…will be the first one to admit it…I do give people too much power over my emotions, care too much about what they think and give too much of my energy away. I found a good step by step guideline of overcoming oversensitivity…I am listing the steps just in case anyone’s interested…

    link –

    1. While others certainly can assist you, you are your own master and always will be. (Just like you said, Mercedes…you sure are smart!)

    2. Explore your sensitivity. Meditation is also an activity you can look into for exploring the sensitivity.

    3.Find out if there is a particular trigger for your sensitivity. Often sensitivity rests in specific areas that have key triggers. (We all know this from Rori!)

    4.Take your time. You have to know something really well before you can act on it, otherwise it is like heading into a new area after glancing at a map without understanding the map first.

    5. Be brave and begin to unpack the sensitivity. Only once you really can admit that you don’t find that this particular sensitivity helps you at all will the mind actually start to see that it’s better not to be so sensitive.

    6. Beware that you’re not deceiving yourself or entrapping yourself in a bigger problem. There is a danger of being upset or “haunted” that you are experiencing sensitivity at all.

    7. Take your time and realise that it’s a matter of balance.

    8. Continue being patient and resourceful. Sensitivity is much like a habit and you have to retrain your mind to not get involved.

    9. Build strength. With continued observation of the mind, eventually you will just “know” sensitivity for what it is whenever it arises.

    I hope this may help others besides me….I take things too personally!

    I really need to do something for myself today.

  196.  #196Liquid Light on April 27, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    The other thing he said is that I am free to use the condo whenever I want! Sigh, just so sweet and generous! I would love to do that. He said I could go there with whomever I want. Very hard to turn my back on great offers like that!

  197.  #197Femininewoman on April 27, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Liquid Light thanks for sharing. Though you didn’t ask I would definitely turn my back on that. To me it would be reinforcing bad behavior. I don’t see myself being able to move in with him after he takes me on a whirlwind and immediately goes off to be with another woman. Oh no. I would be reading all kinds of messages into that.

  198.  #198Mercedes on April 27, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    LL: You don’t sound hopeless and pathetic to me. You sound like a woman who knows exactly what she wants, knows this isn’t really it…but likes enough of what this *is* that’s she’s *almost*, but not quite, ready to settle for it… 😉

    Much Love,

  199.  #199Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Millie – (123) That is so odd! I can’t explain that one, for sure. Unless, despite his outward integrity, maybe he’s had a bad experience in the past? Not to be presumptuous, but many times we really don’t know what’s happened to someone. Perhaps he was abused as a child. Many boys do not report abuse because of shame. But that would definitely damage someone’s sense of “integrity” when it comes to sex. And hopefully his sex life with his wife is okay. I’m worried about them. Lol. Though I’m sure they are fine. That is just a really odd comment to hear…but again, just because he said it, I wouldn’t take it to heart…doesn’t make it true : )

  200.  #200Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    I’m always scared when I write a “truthy” email to someone. I recently had a friend ask me to sit for her cat. I thought she wanted me to do it for free. I offered to also house-sit, so that I didn’t have to live with my mom for a few days (and they have a really nice house, by the train station). I would have done it for free in exchange for housing. Anyway, she told me a few days later that they “gave the job” away to their neighbor, who “wanted to do it.” I was like, “Oh, ok.” But inside, I was all bummed. I was like, “Hey, I was all ready to do that for you, with or without the housing.” And, it also turned out that they were paying the neighbor. And of course I totally need the money, even if it was like $20 all together. Urgh. And I feel so ashamed that I am in this needy position, where it actually MATTERS to me that this happens or it doesn’t.

    So I was holding onto all these feelings, and I still like her. We had a drink together and everything. But finally, I just decided, hey, if I don’t say it, no one else will say it for me. I can’t change the decision. I respect their decision, but it actually did matter to me. So I did.

    And it’s scary because, even though I don’t mind putting together the writing, or my thoughts, or putting it into feeling messages, I still feel super scared about the response…Maybe I don’t need to be. I just always think everyone is going to be so angry at me for speaking my truth…this is probably a very deep wound. It comes up a lot. I’m a little gun-shy about that. Again, it just scares me. Ok, that’s all

  201.  #201Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Hm, LL, wow, I think you have found yourself a legit sugar daddy!! lol. There is a whole dating site for those ; ) I know, because I joined it once, very briefly, and then soon un-joined. The idea of it I find appealing, but the reality, not so much. Even when there is no sex involved, something seems “off.”

    But, to your situation, it sounds to me almost like the whole “magical” trip was designed to butter you up so that he could drop the big news on you about going away – for 5-6 months – with another woman…Wow. yeah, maybe they don’t have sex. Doesn’t mean he’s not her sugar daddy, too. A Daddy probably wants to have lots of Sugar Babies.

    Your choice: do you want a sugar daddy? Do you want to be a “sugar baby”? And do you feel like you want to be a “kept woman,” or do you want a mutual relationship with someone who adores you AND who you feel attracted to? Maybe seems like an obvious question, but could be worth asking yourself. If you want a “sugar daddy” (who has other “sugar babies”), maybe that’s where you’re at? What do you think…?

  202.  #202Tereana on April 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    I was just watching part of “targeting,” and there was a thing that jumped out at me about men competing for your time – the auction principle. I think this is dead on. AND, I also think that part of the competition should be from you. I.e. You fill your dance card with stuff you like, date yourself, whatever. And so, when one man is your guy and the others go away, you still have your life and the man does not become the center of your world…

    And that’s one thing I’m not great on right now. I’ve really cut down my activities in recent years. Like a LOT. I used to do so much, my head would spin. Then I decided that I got myself overwhelmed. I decided to cut back. And I also really like my alone time/down time. It gives me a chance to recharge. So that kind of looks like I have “free time.” But it’s really “me time.” I need that time to be free. Challenge is, how do I keep up that sense of high difficultly/high value? That said, there probably are some things I’d like to add. More dance classes, for one. And I think I’d like to volunteer somewhere. I want to do something positive.

  203.  #203Mandy on April 27, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    I feel restless, and like my nerves are jumping. I so need a vacation from life right now. I need to think of something I can do…go to a place by myself if even for a few hours…go hiking by myself or to a trailhead…or just find a good spot to breathe and meditate. That would be a good start.

    If I went on vacation though I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d go that was safe to go alone. People tell me I’m still pretty naive for my age, so that works against me. But I wonder if there would be an affordable and cool place to go, like a resort or spa, or just a hotel with a pool and jacuzzi, or maybe just go see a friend in another state. I have the possibility of saving slowly for it. My mom was talking about taking me back to Minnesota but I dunno, that’s a family thing and that’s stressful for me.

    Someplace where I can feel peace, warm, positive, melty, and serene…like during a sunrise while sitting on top of a mountain. I’ve done that and it’s awesome.
    It would give me a chance to get over some fear of being without anything around. No one, no thing, no electronics save for an emergency phone.

    Or maybe even a coffee nook only I know of just to go to in the morning while J is asleep. Something interesting…

    Just trying to brainstorm places to go to when I want alone time doing something i like. I really need some alone time in my relationship sometimes, I don’t know why, I just feel obligated to do what he wants me to all the time, so I have to have time to do what I want or else I feel overwhelmed, drained and angry.

    If anyone has any suggestions on places to go to do something alone like an internet cafe, or a nature spot, or whatever you come up with, to have some fun alone time?

    I really welcome all your thoughts and feelings.

  204.  #204Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    Hi ladies I am just catching up o. All the great comments!
    I feel bad because I’ve been expressing alot of frustration to the people around me and it gets me feeling all wound up.
    I’m complaining about my sisters, men I’m trying to date, men ive dated in the past, someone at work that annoys me…you name it and I’ve been bitc#ing about it!!!!
    It makes me feel bad and I need to stop it. It’s like an avalanche.
    Today I had the day off and I enjoyed my morning but then I spent a very strange day if indecisiveness an pointless driving around!!!
    It was so weird, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do.
    I finally got a manicure but I was feelin prickly and indecisive so I ended up with nails I don’t like too much!!! Lol I didn’t speak up for myself!
    Ack! I’m so off kilter today.
    I also felt so lonely at a couple points in time today the solitude was deafening. I like alone time but I am missing the balance of relationship time and “me” time.
    For a long time it’s been ALL me time it seems lol..I am trying hard to appreciate it and like it.
    There are times I just feel like crying tho and I did that today. I am ready for a committed relationship !!!
    I am praying for it.

  205.  #205Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    I did use some feeling messages with a cd I met online and thank you Rori for the tools because it really helped me communicate with this man effectively…
    I feel confident that I can express myself better these days with practicing the tools…
    Just apparently not at the nail salon haha!!!

  206.  #206Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    Hi Mandy!
    I love your ideas of taking a nature hike or finding a cozy coffee spot!
    Those are great ways to decompress and I do both of those things! I also take walks around my neighborhood with my iPod just to get our of the house and keep it simple!
    I live near the coast so sometimes I just drive there and listen to the waves! That helps me unwind!!!

  207.  #207Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    200 hi tereana!
    Dance class sounds fun!
    I know what you mean about filling up your schedule and then scaling back…
    It ebbs and flows for me too…
    I feel inspired to read and learn how other sirens spend their “me” time!!

  208.  #208Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    I’m thinking about purchasing targeting mr right now that you mentioned it tereana!

  209.  #209Emerson on April 27, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Daria I have to thank you…I used a script of yours from a long time ago when a man asked me if he has competition…

  210.  #210Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 12:25 am

    your vacation sounds delightful and fun…
    I feel your dissapointment and surprise about him taking off for so long with someone else…

    Tereana makes a good point about Tex taking you to New Orl to soften the sting of leaving for 6 months with another woman (another sugar baby)…

  211.  #211Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 12:34 am

    Mandy 201,
    A mountain top watching the sunset would feel so exciting and energizing
    You have some great ideas for simple retreats.

    I get some alone time when I walk in one of our remote parks in my town…
    In the summer I love to spend a day (a 2 hour drive) at one of the beautiful great lakes we have
    Somehow getting away (even though it isn’t very far) I feel rejuvenated and restored when I return home

  212.  #212Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 12:46 am

    Tereana 199,
    Wow… I think you have a good insight into Tex,,,
    I feel as if you have shined a light onto this…
    I feel naive…
    It feels really unfair to be taken on a vacation like that and not be told before hand about his plans in Europe.
    But maybe having a sugar daddy would be nice…
    Don’t have to be attracted to him (20 years is a lot)
    lots of fun trips and lovely pleasures
    and practice with the RR tools

  213.  #213Mandy on April 28, 2014 at 3:42 am


    Maybe I will try a few spots and see which ones I like best. The ultimate would be by the beach though 🙂 But I live in AZ, lol…:)

    There are beautiful places out here in the desert believe it or not, just gotta remember sunscreen and lots of water when visiting outdoors. and proper hiking shoes. Other than that, you can go up mountains and find pine tress, you can find water falls during spring, poppy fields, and beautiful cliffs and canyons.

    Seems like a goddessy thing to do…tune out the world and be one with nature and at peace…ipod definitely…playing Enya and Bjork…hehe…

    Dreamin’ up something here…

  214.  #214Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 4:03 am

    So, I had a wonderful night with D on Friday night. And then last night, or more accurately this morning, it didn’t go so well. Sigh.

    It started with, we were lying on the couch and I leaned into him and he pulled away slightly. I know him, and I know pulling away when I see it, and it hurt. So I said, did you pull away from me? Anyway he got all huffy and started mumbling about how he can’t do anything right. I told him I had just wanted to hug and kiss him good morning.

    And we were to go to breakfast, but he wanted me to take my own car so that I could go home afterwards and he could do his errands. And I just didn’t want to do that. It felt cold and clinical and unromantic and like I was being tossed out. Anyway, I just told him that I would prefer going together. After initially being ok with this he then decided to take great exception to it and huff and puff and stomp around about he had been making an effort and nothing he ever did was good enough and he was basically extremely snappy and a bit hurtful and cool, telling me about he was a “rational” creature.

    I felt quite defeated when I left there. The breakfast didn’t happen and I felt very disappointed. Especially the fact that he made it seem like my speaking my mind over a small thing was the reason we couldn’t be together. I felt bad, to be honest.


  215.  #215Linda on April 28, 2014 at 4:13 am

    Cupcake!!! you made me laugh!

    (PS. you are an absolutely horrible kisser.. I was kissed better in the janitors closet in the 8th grade )!!! hahaha

  216.  #216Waterfall on April 28, 2014 at 4:29 am


    Sirens please help me with a script.

    My boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend has emailed me saying that he wants to see me this week.

    Can you help me with a script??

    Any advice welcome!

    Feminine Woman I know you are good with this sort of thing, although I sense you may not approve of this man and tell me to keep away from him.

  217.  #217Pamelahealing on April 28, 2014 at 4:36 am

    I have never let go of a relationship without my claw marks all over it. I remember sitting in the coffee shop of my seven-year relationship. Well, it was a relationship to me and to him it was an occasional roll in the hay.

    He told me that he was into me for the sex. I felt devastated and told him he was mistaken. He stuck to his decision. I called him back a few hours later and he waited eagerly for me to accept his terms of sex-only. But I could not, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.

    He want on to marry a socialite. I was not the status he wanted. I had been warned but I thought my love would conquer all. Thanks for all of the sharing it helps me heal.

  218.  #218Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 4:59 am

    Waterfall, I know you posted this forever ago, but I just read your story about your breakup and about your man. And I’m glad I did, because it had a lot of echoes of how I felt with M. And, based on M’s responses, during and after the fact, HE thought he was giving me a great amount of time and doing a LOT for me. And for whatever reason, I felt that it was falling short of what would have made me feel truly happy and blissful. I also felt tense around him, not knowing what he would do or say, and when we parted, having no idea when I would see him next. He was similarly bad at making plans: expressing interest at doing something with me, and then completely failing to follow up on it. If I mentioned it, felt like I was putting on pressure.

    Waterfall, I noticed you used the word “tentatively” a lot. So it sounds like you were nervous talking to him. Are you always nervous and afraid, or was it just because of him? Often our own insecurities come through and people can pick up on them, even when we don’t want them to.

    My point is…I don’t know. Lol. Oddly, I still have feelings for M and would probably feel great if he stepped up. But on but on the other hand, I want that loving, secure feeling, too. Good for you to end it and go your own way. He sounds like a confusing guy. And you stuck with it for a year!! I could only take one month of that kind of treatment (the first month of dating was fine. The second felt totally “off”). Anyway…

    And I was way confused by your switching pronouns. I kept wondering if you’d been dating a woman! Which is ok, too. But I don’t think you were…

  219.  #219Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 5:00 am


    That is very powerful. Using a situation such as that to heal.

  220.  #220Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 5:05 am

    Waterfall, I just saw this. Hard to help with a script if I don’t know exactly what he said. But it’s all about your attitude. If he wsnts to see you, great! Find out when and where, and let him pick out the details, which you agree to, only IF they work for you (I.e. don’t rearrange your calendar for him). Take a relaxed approach. He is not your priority anymore. HE wants to see YOU, not the other way around. But you can accept. And remember: you are SINGLE. You are not dating him, you are CD-ing, and you’re not a girlfriend.

    Good luck! (I mean it sincerely) hope it goes well! : )

  221.  #221Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Well, I have just had a conversation with D, he was softer than he was this morning.

    He said he feels on the backfoot with me, that he feels sensitive to how much attention I need and that he can never fulfill that need. I tried to reassure him and he said he understands that it was not my intention, but he just feels upset at the moment.

    Why is it that their feelings of upset always trump ours. I also feel upset at some of the things he said this morning. Oh lol. I am just venting.

    Why is this all so confusing. Oh well, I feel much more able to focus on the positive and have faith than I once did. But yet I still do feel frustrated.

  222.  #222Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Azure Blu – happy to shine a light! yes, and remember that 20 years isn’t just an age difference. That’s an extra 20 years that he has had to hone his skills on dealing with women. That may include manipulating and relying on your relative naïveté to get you I behave in certain ways. (Maybe I’m a little bit cynical here.) If you go in with your eyes open, you can keep your power, somewhat. But honestly, I don’t like what he did, nor how he did it. For me, I would not accept that. Even if I did take a “sugar daddy,” I’d still want to be the only woman – and, remember, too, that if he holds the purse strings, he ALWAYS has more power. And he will take advantage of that. And it may prevent you from meeting someone who truly respects you. I don’t think that he does. I think he wants what he wants. Question is, what do you want?

  223.  #223Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 5:26 am

    I have been thinking a lot about timing and “power” this morning. Which is both personal power, and social power.

    See, here is the thing: I’ve been taught all my life that being on time is good. And, as a kid, I didn’t necessarily have the power to do that. I had to rely on my parents, and my mom was chronically late. So either I would be late for things, and suffer the consequences, or she would be late to pick me up, and I would have no choice but to wait, embarrassed and alone. So I have spent years – literally years – trying to undo this, and to figure out a way that I could “ride the time horse” and get to where I needed to be, in time or slightly early, on a consistent basis. And I feel PROUD if this accomplishment.

    And yet…in every day life, it isn’t serving me the way I always thought it would. Instead of giving me more power, I almost feel like it gives me less.

    Think about it: if you are the one who “has” to be on time, then that means someone else holds the power. Someone else decides if you are “ok.” Someone else decides if you keep the job, etc. truly powerful people are not bound by time. They live IN time, arriving when they arrive, knowing that they are the ONLY person who can be them. And if other people have to wait? So be it. They are not going to bend their will or their pleasure, or what they want to do for someone else. They are total free agents. There is POWER in making someone wait. And there is NO power in being on the waiting end.

    Yet this is where I’ve always been: waiting on my mom, with nothing else I could do. I couldn’t walk home. I was a little kid. And now, being a punctual adult, it’s great for job interviews, but it sucks for dating and friendship. Because I make so much effort to be in time for events and meetings. I put so much value onto that. But others don’t. And I feel a mis-match. And when someone else is late, and I am early or on time, I feel power-less again, not power-full.


    And I know the power must come from somewhere else. It comes from inside. That’s what I’m really jealous of:those people who have access to their inner personal power, where one “slip-up” does not spell the end, or disaster, or whatever.

    Ok, thoughts for the day…

  224.  #224Sirana on April 28, 2014 at 5:36 am

    Made a mistake last night. Handled everything wrong. Got into a fight and even though he tried to end it, I kept it going. SHould have stopped. He ended up going to the couch. I asked him to come back to bed but that I think made him think even less of me. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Fight wasn’t over anything important. Nothing to resolve but now he is so turned off. How do you un-do this? I feel like any move I make is sad and begging and only makes him think less of me.

  225.  #225Emerson on April 28, 2014 at 5:40 am

    I feel tired and not ready for the week ahead !!!!

  226.  #226Linda on April 28, 2014 at 5:55 am

    @65 Mercedes said…

    The moment you become comfortable (really comfortable) with your own company…your entire world will change.

    This is so ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

    It has happened to me. I am so comfortable in fact that It is going to take a realllly awesome fantastic healthy Mr Right to get on my dance card.

    I have had a old CD (the one who bought my BMW) come sniffing around since the first of the year. The few times we had gotten together I felt I was being “interviewed” for a job opening he had available. Like negotiating a business deal. His approach to exploring a relationship is totally a boring turn off to me. ” Hey.. why dont you come to my house and hang out and watch a movie”. Ummmm NO. I would have told him that I prefer to be taken out on a proper date… IF I had the slightest interest in him .

    I heard from him last night via text… UR ever wanting to get together. My gut says NOPE. Then I thought… awh I could but it feels so ick so..

    My reply was…” No not really. I do appreciate your asking though” (it was flatering to be asked)
    His reply was … “fair enough, I wont bother you again….

    Honestly yeah… I did feel bothered by him. I dont say that in a haughty or mean way. His vibe felt so boring to me. Something in me has totally shifted! My dance card is full. I am sure he has a lovely side somewhere under his interviewing skills. lol

  227.  #227Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:12 am

    Indigo anger is the one emotion that many men really know how to verbalize and are sure about how it feels.

    What got triggered in my mind reading about your leaning forward and his pulling away is a word from Rori. Which was it is not “enough” to just lean back when a man pulls away, you have to take a step backward. He will intuitively feel the pull to lean forwards.

    I wonder what would have happened if you had just verbalized “I am feeling like hugging you and kissing you”. It would also be nice to know what you were seeing or feeling that had you feeling turned on to him.

    “Did you pull away from me?” is demanding. I would ask that of my son. D is a grown man and must have had a valid reason for pulling away. Focussing on his action rather than your own or what you were feeling could feel like pressure to him.

  228.  #228Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Haha Linda I had to laugh :). I was asked the same question this week. Just that this guy asked while we were on a date at a rather expensive restaurant. I didn’t really answer or say yes mainly because while talking he referred to us a friends.

  229.  #229Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Re interviewing – I think many men don’t really know how to talk. We are better with words and sensitivity to how they affect people.

  230.  #230Sirana on April 28, 2014 at 6:17 am

    @Femininewoman – When you say actually take a step back (225), what would that look like? Please see my question at 222. Thank you so much!! I find your insight valuable.

  231.  #231Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 6:37 am

    Feminine Woman 225

    Thank you so much for your feedback. I realize this is a growth area for me. In the moment there were other feelings and other things going on inside me and I didn’t feel very sireny.

    Thank you for the reminder. I have apologized to D.

    I am sure in time I will get better at this.

  232.  #232Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 6:40 am

    To be honest, he looked particularly hot in the shirt he was wearing this morning (one I had bought him) and I was just feeling very affectionate and lovey and ritualistic about saying good morning with a hug and kiss.

  233.  #233Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Oh Gosh Waterfall. I was just writing a long comment to you and lost it.

  234.  #234Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Sirana literally step back as in back away physically.

  235.  #235Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Indigo I have a lot of thoughts swirling about the shirt. Wondering if it brought up feelings of you owning him just because he was wearing it. Respect is another thing coming up for me while thinking about this.

    Maybe you feel loved when you are touched but he could feel really loved with words of affirmation. If I were you I would really look at this experience and internalize it. So next something similar comes up for me rather that reaching out to him I would use my words to let him know how sexy he looks and how turned it is making me feel. Remember sex as some people say is mostly mental.

    Poetry and different words are popping in my head “looking delicious lying there like a god with a beautiful bronze tan I feel like licking you up like melting icecream in the sun”.

    I know. I can be really silly.

  236.  #236Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Waterfall your story sounds a lot like mine with a particular CD. I’d say you could go to just listen. Listen at Level 2. Open your Heart. Drop your thoughts to your pelvis and really pay attention to how you feel in his presence. If he asks you can really tell him your truth about you want in your life. If you can let go and really drop all expectations or wanting anything from him you’d be surprised what you might learn.

    I was able to tell the guy that I had taken him off the dam!n pedestal I had him on in my mind so I was not feeling as uptight as usual.

  237.  #237Sirana on April 28, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Femininewoman- does it seem to you that is what I should do- step back, let him be mad and give him space?

  238.  #238Veronica on April 28, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Azure Blu – 189 – : )
    Sweet words, thank you for noticing me. “you keep bringing me back to there” The same for me x
    I was talking to my sister this morning and she said “I feel so calm and relaxed talking and listening to you” WOW.
    This self-love is gentle – when I feel bad about something, it comes to guide me, no judgement – just love-flow. And I’m not afraid to return with it and there’s small trust that it won’t disappear, all I have to do is remember.
    Oh thank you for this:
    “I’m thinking that when we get clearer about what we DONT want
    We’re getting closer to what we do want (doesn’t RR say that?)”
    Yeah, it’s as though I have to trust my needs and really listen to them, not just notice them
    I feel so calm and still.

  239.  #239Veronica on April 28, 2014 at 7:05 am

    Writing the previous post really amplified the self-love. Warmth in my chest and “wow, this is amazing” zest in my head.

  240.  #240Veronica on April 28, 2014 at 7:16 am

    FW -233- I’m really enjoying the idea of being the centre of my adoration feelings for a man, that I’m enjoying just being turned on so much by him.

  241.  #241Surferchica on April 28, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Mercedes: agreed about shift in the blog.

    My reaction to this post? 6 weeks? SIX WEEKS?

    Too soon. Sounds like a man rushing in to “land” the woman and secure her quickly. All the stuff I read about abusive men tells me that anyone who rushes is trying to secure the woman before she has a chance to see him as he is (abusers can be charming and wonderful, but only for a limited amy of time—takes a lot of energy to sustain the appearance of healthy and wonderful).

    Red flag: “Dream man”

    To me, you don’t know what you have until you are bored with each other, are over the sexual intensity hump, and have faced a few differences (conflicts).

    Not a fan of this model!

  242.  #242Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 7:22 am

    FW 233-234
    I feel all tingly and turned on reading your
    Lushious, sensual FM…
    I have pasted and copied :-)))

    I want to remember to listen in level 2 tomorrow when I talk to KS… this will be such a wonderful practice for me…Learning about ME
    open my heart and pay attention to how I FEEL in HIS presence
    dropping ALL expectations of what I Want from Him…
    IF he asks share what I want in MY life
    Be surprised

  243.  #243Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 7:32 am

    FW 233
    Also – Respect is another thing coming up for me while thinking about this.

    “Maybe you feel loved when you are touched but he could feel really loved with words of affirmation. So next time something similar comes up for me rather that reaching out to him I would use my words to let him know how sexy he looks and how turned it is making me feel. Remember sex as some people say is mostly mental.”
    JD my cd of 5 dates…I feel I have been leaning forward to get physical touches affection during our dates… but really for HIM it might be words that turn HIM on…
    Very interesting… I Love learning this…

  244.  #244Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 7:40 am

    Sirana only he can deal with his anger. You can’t fix him. As Rori says

    “if a man is out of sorts, not in his loving vibe do NOT try to cheer him up. Meet him where he is. If he is bummed out you say “oh crap, that sounds a bummer. I get it. I totally get how you’re feeling”

    “If he’s angry say “wow I hear how angry you are. Don’t try to talk him out of it. Stay warm. Don’t go cold and angry. Don’t go into fix it mode. The fastest way to shut somebody down is to try and fix the unpleasantness,”

  245.  #245Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 7:41 am

    My same thoughts when I read that,,,
    I feel anxious and overwhelmed thinking about 6 WEEKS!!!
    Is she really listening to HER feelings OR is she worried about HIS… thinking HE might disappear if she communicates some boundaries
    applies some brakes??

  246.  #246Cupcake on April 28, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Liquid Light,

    I am glad you had a blast in New Orleans. And I am -as is often the case- totally with FW on this one.

    What the deuce?

    I would feel wary of this situation, using the condo, etc because it would be just enough connection to keep me from really being open to anyone else. What an intimate thing, to be in someone’s dwelling without them. You can bring anyone you want there? So he is intermingled in the connection with the other person.

    Somewhere in A Course In Miracles it says that compromise never comes from God. It’s the instrument of the other side, wheedling us to accept something we know in our guts is not the right thing.

    And somebody wise once pointed out to me that people who promise to come through in a big way for others very rarely actually do. The people who come through usually don’t say anything up front– they just are there when you need them.

    Anyway– 5 or 6 months? Sounds to me like he has the other woman pegged as wife material — or she IS his wife? And you are the bit on the side. I can almost guarantee you that the other woman doesn’t know he owns the condo in Nawlins. She will assume he stayed in a hotel. And that matters because our secrets define us, I believe. Shine a light on someone’s secrets to know them.

    Dunno. Just feels to me like you can and will do so much better than this offer. Maybe think of it as a test? The universe wants to let you choose what you will settle for.


    PS- what music did you see? Wasn’t Robert Plant there, and Robin Thicke?

  247.  #247Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 8:17 am

    FW 233,

    I don’t think feelings of ownership, but I do remember spending a long time picking out that shirt specifically because I thought he would look so good in it.

    Honestly yes he does seem to respond a bit better to the words of affirmation, when I have tried this.

    I loved your sensual speech! I wish I was a little more outspoken like that! That is exactly how I felt!

  248.  #248Iris on April 28, 2014 at 8:17 am

    #78 Thanks, Lovealways, for all your suggestions. I started with Modern Siren a few days ago. I feel excited, and also empowered!

  249.  #249Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Liquid Light,

    Gosh, 5 – 6 months with another woman, that would have thrown me for a loop!

  250.  #250Azure Blu on April 28, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Cupcake 244
    I do feel soooo naive
    “maybe SHE IS his wife”
    totally feels like more light on the truth there…

    LOVE, the sound of this…. Nawlins — :->

    I feel that you have kept your wits about you through out this Tex adventure,,,

  251.  #251Liquid Light on April 28, 2014 at 9:46 am

    Yes, he could be married, I doubt it, but you never know.

    Terena, so funny about the kept woman thing. Yes, it feels a bit to me like that. I suppose when there is a big disparity there and the man makes tons of money, and treats you to everything, that dynamic somewhat goes with the territory maybe? I was in a situation when I was in my early twenties that definitely was a sugar daddy type thing. So its a familiar dynamic to me and not one that I particularly want to repeat, especially now 20+ years later!

    Mercedes, thanks for your comment. I think you hit the nail on the head!

    Thanks Azure for saying I’m keeping my wits about me. I do kinda feel like that. I feel a bit unphased by it all and truth be told I feel a bit ambivalent and detached. It may be partially numbness but I think its more that I just don’t feel very invested in him or the relationship.

    The other reality is that lots can happen in 6 months so I guess I will just wait and see. I am going to proceed with my life as usual and continue to put myself out there and date etc. and just see what unfolds.

    Thanks for you all your input, Sirens, its so great to have this sounding board! You ladies are awesome! 🙂

  252.  #252Dominique on April 28, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Sirana – 222 – Let it go. go take care of YOU as best as you can, and let him come to you. He will eventually, maybe not as soon as you would prefer, but he will.


  253.  #253Sirana on April 28, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Dominique – Thank you for responding. What do I do with this ball of hot stress in my stomach and chest? All I do is obsess and worry. Hard to concentrate on anything else.

  254.  #254Liquid Light on April 28, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Cupcake, we didn’t go to the jazz fest. It was a coincidence that it was happening at the same time! We ate at Galatoires, Arnauds, Commanders Palace and listened to music at Pat Obrien’s, Roosevelt, and Hotel Sorenso’s (or something like that). We ate beignets and sipped hickory coffee and drank gin fizzes and mint juleps. The food and drink there were so good!!!!

  255.  #255Dominique on April 28, 2014 at 11:23 am

    Sirana – Do you have any tools which help ease this in you? For example, yoga or meditation? What helps me is placing my hands on my heart wherever I am and breathing deeply into my heart, sending love to me all the while repeating over and over, aloud or in my head – love to me, love to me, love to me.


  256.  #256Michellea on April 28, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    Can someone please help me? I’m feeling a little frustrated going through every single article. It’s been years since I’ve been on here.

    I’m looking for something on being exclusive and sex. I have no current pressure. My guy is super patient. I know I read some comment from Rori to a lady some where on this blog.. about telling the guy you can’t separate sex from commitment.
    And I wanted to see the speech.

    Would be so awesome if there was a search engine and I could just plug in key words. 🙂

    Or if anyone knows more on this topic please elaborate. I’m feel certain that I need to be exclusive BEFORE having sex. And to me that includes being Face Book official. 😉 This guy is moving mountains for me.. sending flowers and songs and his strong desire to be with him everyday. Which finally, I feel what being leaned back feels like and it’s AMAZING!!!! I feel like I went to feminine rehab. 🙂 Anyway, I feel confident that I can better negotiate my desires before sex. I’m pretty sure I might feel emotionally owned (sorry strong word) after. As well, as giddy and maybe a little more sensitive. So, I’m all for taking it slow.. However, as time goes on and this relationship is building a emotional, mental, and good chemistry and I really want it! ha. I also want to it’s on my comfort level which means being exclusive. Which he has joked with me about several times. I mainly just want us to be Face Book Official. Does that sound weird?


  257.  #257Michellea on April 28, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Sorry correction.

    1) Rori was the the girl based on her question.. the girl could not separate sex from commitment.

    2) His desire is for me to wake up with him everyday. Not I desire to see him everyday.

    Funny how a few words changes everything. 🙂

  258.  #258Andrea on April 28, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    LL, maybe you can invite some of us Sirens out to New Orleans and we can all stay in his condo for the week. hahahahaha!!!!! When he asks, “Who are you going to be there with?”
    You can say, “Well, some of the most enlightened, romantically heightened hotties you’re never going to get to meet.”

    Oh what fun!! I love this exploration you’re going through. How incredible is it to get to have all these lessons with a mint julep in one hand and the keys to his condo in the other! Hooray!! Siren Lesson #1.. Do the Dance with Joy, no matter what it is.. Do the Dance. When you learn new steps, or get another partner, or the music switches, you just go with the flow. Or I should say.. “Glow with the Flow!” Love it!!

  259.  #259Liquid Light on April 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Hahaha!!! Yeah, Andrea, that is a great idea! I so appreciate your micheivious playful response about my adventure. To me, it was pure fun, and nothing to be upset about or feel down about. It was living life to its fullest, being spontaneous, being adventurous, being ultra feminine and letting my wealthy mystery man Tex treat me like a queen!!! I don’t regret it all!!! 🙂

  260.  #260Liquid Light on April 28, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    PS: I’m not sure about Tex, but I absolutely fell in love with New Orleans!! That place is pure magic!!!

  261.  #261Linda on April 28, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Indigo… what you posted about D today in this thread has really been on my mind today. I recently had an interaction with my youngest daughter when she blurted out a feeling message in anger. “I always feel like I am wrong around you “. I was very surprised when she said it but it was/is “her” truth in that moment. Some of this stems from “her” stuff and has absolutely nothing to do with me and as her mother and our shared history some of it does. I can say I felt empathy for her and deeply sorrowful that she felt “less than” with me. I love here unconditionally have never put her down or not supported her .

    I have let this statement become a portal into her heart. One that I have not taken offense to. She gave me a gift of a glimps into her inner soup and I am fervently looking for ways to affirm her now. She in that moment even though she was angry at me…was honest to her core and I was my heart swelled with love and respect for her.

    In the same way D told you the same thing. He feels less than. Unable to be what you need etc. The feelings whether birthed from history between you or solely his stuff (which I suspect is both) is his truth.

    I also believe that this man loves you and it scares and triggers him. He says he cant move on etc. As you have said.. the relationship with him has caused so much growth and healing in you.

    I feel curious … about the real possiblity of turning this relationship with him with feeling messages from you when you are able to. Not in order to fix him or get a certain outcome or guide the relationship but just to communicate your truth.

    There is absolutely nothing to loose and everything to learn and gain for you with or without him in your life.

    For me, I am to unpracticed at delivering feeling messages but the rage and jump and float inside me all the time. This is where my focus is. My journey has led me here. As for my daughter. I was speachless but did tell her that I knew how terrible it was to feel “less than” and that she was someone that I love with all my heart and am sooo very proud of her. She is on her own journey too.

    Hugs Indigo

  262.  #262Femininewoman on April 28, 2014 at 6:14 pm

    Wow Linda. Such enlightenment

  263.  #263Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Dominique – 172: I just read this now, and wow. I feel like you totally get me, and see me, even though you’ve never met me. And it’s been so good to feel all the love and support coming my way, but honestly your comment rand true for me especially. I still need to feel a bit more about what you said. But thank you. That was very powerful…

  264.  #264Tereana on April 28, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    LL – everything has its purpose. Maybe text isn’t your guy, but maybe NO is your place!! : )

    I was looking for the post, but someone here wrote, quoting someone else, possibly quoting someone else (lol) that the people who make the biggest promises often follow through the least, and those who really come through and show up often say little about it. That’s a paraphrase, but it really struck me. I think this is true in business also: under promise, over deliver is way better than the opposite.

    And it’s true individually also. I think, for myself, if I say I’m going to do something, that’s not as powerful as if I actually do it, without talking about it. On the other hand, sometimes I do state am intent ok out loud, or publicly, as a sort of social accountability – if someone else heard me say it, then it makes me feel more bound to follow through on what I said I would do. But I do it for me, not them…

  265.  #265Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    Linda 257,

    That is so incredibly beautiful. Thank you so much for posting that to me. It takes one so off guard when someone we love says that to us, doesn’t it? When you yourself know how much you love them and how highly you think of them?

    I tried a similar approach with D as you did with your daughter… I affirmed his feelings, told him I was sorry. Reassured him of how much I think of him. Internally I too was very grateful that he opened up to me rather than shutting down, that he told me how he was feeling even if it was not what I wanted to hear. I always feel I would rather hear any authentic feeling from him and from someone that I love… as you say, it is a portal into their heart. Like you, I was absolutely overflowing with love for him afterwards, I can’t say why.

    What you say, about healing and transforming with feeling messages and speaking the truth, yes that is what I am doing. And I have seen rather beautiful change as a result. And letting go of the outcome… this is hard, but I know I need to.

    Love and hugs to you ((Linda))

  266.  #266Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    I just thought you might like to know I tried what you suggested with D last night… about physically stepping back. And he did come to me – maybe not the intensity I would have preferred 😀 but in his way, yes he was affectionate.

    I also tried your script about the ice cream and I must say things had softened so much from yesterday morning to when I saw him last night. He was appreciative of me and gentle.

  267.  #267Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 10:01 pm


    I wanted to say to you, I have much experience with that tight hot feeling in your chest after a fight… especially after you think you “did” something.

    What I can say to you is that it dissipates over time the more secure you are in the fact that… you are human and the best you can do is learn from your experiences and your fights. If you can do this, you are already ahead of the game.

    Try softening towards yourself and him. Forgive yourself and say sorry to him simply, even if he was also at fault. Have mercy and kindness towards yourself and do your best to let it go completely from your mind and do something lovely and soothing for yourself.

    Have faith that the world doesn’t end, he won’t leave you forever and you can use this opportunity to turn into a better you.


  268.  #268Millie on April 29, 2014 at 1:40 am

    I’m yearning for something new. I want to get back into ballet, so I’m taking yoga and also learning some new forms of dance like Lindy Hop. I like going out alone. I like doing things alone. Almost too much, I think. I wonder if I could ever actually let someone in THAT much to where they are a part of me all the time.
    I feel bored with men. Perhaps I should say something outrageous next time to trigger them. Feeling unamused insn’t really a trigger for me. I met this dance teacher tonight, and for me, being in the dance world, I view teachers as peddlers trying to get into your wallet, and since he is a man, he’s trying to charm his way in. I don’t trust him. I gave him my #, we’ll see what happens.

  269.  #269Waterfall on April 29, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Hi Tereana, Feminine Woman,

    It’s so nice having you both being able to relate to me.

    Tereana: I wrote from the point of view of a man to see if it opened up any insights or observations for me. I feel like because I am so close to my own issues I can’t see the wood for the trees. I thought it would give me some distance and like it wasn’t really me going through it. Observing from a subjective point of view as it were.

    FW: You are so spot on I have chills thinking about it. Indeed I have put him up on this almighty pedestal! Wow… It is hard to break that pattern, and in truth I am scared/apprehensive to.

  270.  #270Liquid Light on April 29, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Tex called last night. We had a brief strained conversation. He had to extend his stay in New Orleans to take care of things for the condo, washer/dryer, alarm system etc. He wished me well on my interviews. (I have an interview this afternoon, and another which hasn’t been scheduled yet.)

    It was an awkward conversation. Feels like the magic is gone. Says I should email him if I want to. Feels like he’s trying to keep me hidden away?

    I really didn’t like kissing him, I think he’s a terrible kisser. He immediately sticks his tongue in my mouth. Yuck! I liked it when he would stroke the back of my neck which he did a lot and holding hands. But other than that, I didn’t really like him touching me.

    I’d like him to be my sugar daddy but without the physical part. Hahaha!!! I don’t think it really works like that though.

  271.  #271Andrea on April 29, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Oh LIquid Light, I am laughing so much. You definitely deserve the Full Package. But I know what you mean by getting swept away by being treated so darn good. I’ve had that experience and I loved it, loved it!

    It was so fun, but darn it, what’s with these older wealthy men who never learned how to kiss? I totally feel you.

    What’s wonderful is that it feels like you see Tex for just exactly what he wants to be seen as: A hoot! A fun romp around New Orleans. A grand adventure that he can afford. He wanted to spoil you and to show you how fun he could be. And he doesn’t want to ruin it with all the serious “work” stuff he has to do to maintain it.

    I always went by how I was feeling in the moment with the guy who lavished me with gifts and trips. And pretty soon, I honestly got bored. He would call me and I just simply wasn’t interested in “playing” with him that day.

    He drifted away, but it was awesome wonderful memories. Just… not love. And now I want love.

  272.  #272Liquid Light on April 29, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Yeah, Andrea, it was a ton of fun. We probably took as far as it was meant to go. I checked it out (we hardly knew each other before the trip), had a blast, and decided what I already knew deep down: he was nice for right now but not really long term.

    Unless, he comes through with the offer to let me live in his gorgeous digs….hahahahaha!!! 😀

  273.  #273Radlove on April 30, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    1, 30 – Mercedes – The blog changed when I left. You miss me! LOL! Hugs!

  274.  #274Jessie1000 on May 3, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    I would like to sleep with my roommate. Hes hot. And nice. Lol, and its forbidden…how delicious…

  275.  #275Daria on May 3, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Jessie – ugh… jus forget about it boo… use your energy to get yourself out to be seen by men who want to take you out

  276.  #276Daria on May 3, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    omgosh NO ONE but us COmMENTED SINCE WEDNESDAyYY!!!!!

    hi Radlove!

  277.  #277Indigo on May 3, 2014 at 11:44 pm

    Thank you for the reminder Daria 275

  278.  #278HeartBrokenMEG on May 4, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Hi ladies!

    I NEED so much help and advice. I am sad, lost, and feel my heart breaking a little more everyday 🙁

    I have been living with L in his house. We’ve been dating for 1.5 yrs. the first 8 months were great- loving, passionate, kind, amazing. I felt so lucky.

    More recently I feel as if I’m the bad guy, making all the mistakes, creating problems. He says it’s all me. So I go to a therapist, take deoression meds, try to be perfect and never mess up. I’m worn out.

    Now he is 200% distant. I rarely see him. He doesn’t call from work or text to say hi anymore. He says he doesn’t want to get nagged so he won’t talk to me. He barely talks to me at home. It’s one word answers. So sad. I end up crying and asking for him to just talk to me, to be my friend again, I beg him to stop shutting me out now.

    Crying as I write this 🙁

    So I got Rori’s awesome programs. Tried to lean back. He thinks I’m ignoring him. I’m not. Trying to take care of me. I’m sucking at it.

    Now he’s deleted me off FB, removed all of our photos. He is talking a college class at night and is always studying with his group. I support him. But he is never hear and doesn’t understand my need to see him. He gets mad when I ask. He can rarely talk to me without getting angry.

    He’s told me he is out of trying, done with second chances. Once in the heat of an argument he even told me to find a new place.

    But then he’s back to being somewhat nice-ish. We go workout and talk and have a good time. We rent movies and relax. But he’s across the couch. It’s not fighting but it’s not us being loving and close.

    I try, nothing works. I moved in with him. I have no furniture and no place to go…. Feeling incredibly desperate…..

    What should I do? Please help. Meg

  279.  #279Jessie1000 on May 4, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Haha he got me tequila drink last night daria and we drank with his buddies. Then they all passed out on the couch so I came down and asked him if he wanted to come sleep in my bed lol he said NO. I. Don’t. Want. TOo….lol so much for me! SO I went to bed and in the morning, he busted in my room…like around 5am and took off all his clothes and then got in my bed and just laid there and went to sleep…hes so weird!! haha and he says he doesn’t remember telling me no. I had to leave him to go to work now but im so thinking about it. I think there is nothing more lovely than a guy who takes his time and makes me laugh too.
    He told me –when I asked him why he was in my bed…that he likes my puppy a lot…lol I got a new puppy, a cocker spaniel.
    Maybe Im losing my game….? Or hes so sweet. I feel very happy regardless….

  280.  #280janice on May 4, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    I have lost 2 chances at being with guys, BC I leaned back and watched more aggressive women come in and scoop these guys right up. This playing hard to get stuff would work, maybe 10 yes ago, but from what I have experienced, some men actually like to be chased or pursued!! I was talking to this guy on Facebook that I really liked, so I tried the lean back method with him. He had told me how he had been hurt and didn’t trust women. We talked for about 3-4 myths and one day out of the blue, this other girl came out of nowhere and started talking to him in a real pushy aggressive way. In 2 days, they were dating, and he won’t give me the time of day!!!! So much for leanin back. Rori, you are wrong on so many levels!!!!

  281.  #281Rori Raye on May 5, 2014 at 6:47 am

    janice – Welcome, and it all depends on what kind of man you want and how you want to meet him. If you’re talking to a man more than a week and he doesn’t move forward – what does that say? How do you know there’s more going on with this man and this other woman than sex? Love, Rori

  282.  #282Kyla on May 5, 2014 at 9:40 am

    OMG I feel so afraid. I want to quit my job with all my heart, its ringing in my head when I wake up and staying with me all day. Everything person, email and over heard conversation in the last 4 days has been telling me to quit and have faith. I want to walk away and trust that I’m on the right path and yet I’m so afraid of all the bills, debts and responsibilities that I have. This morning I was convinced I was going to be fired by the boss that’s been sabotoging me from day one and instead he was so nice to me and devised a plan to get me up to date and I feel worse now, I wanted the problem to be taken out of my hands and its not. I’m still here afraid to move. I went down to my car and cried and this song came on the radio:

    You can do anything that you want to do
    With your mind body and soul
    Do it, prove it to yourself and say
    I want
    (I want)
    I will
    (I will)
    I can do anything
    It’s a difficult world and you have to prove
    That you’re ready and you can do it
    Nothing in this world can stop you
    I know I can, I will fulfill my dreams
    Don’t stop movin’
    Keep it up
    Keep on movin’, get it right
    Yeah, you’ve got to get it right
    Oh yeah, oh
    Don’t stop movin’
    I, it’s your life
    Keep on movin’ get it right
    Yeah, you’ve got to get it right
    You can be mystical magical
    Physically phenomenal
    Good to go not slow
    Feel the heat and let it flow
    You’ve got to get it right

    I am afriad of letting everyone down, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to pay my rent and I’m absolutely terrified of staying where I am! I can’t stay here. I’m not afraid to lose things and yet I’m afraid for my kids sake. They deserve the best and a mother who can provide them with security. I fee torn in two and can’t keep this up anymore. The call is too strong and I’m choking on it.

  283.  #283Indigo on May 7, 2014 at 5:23 am


    Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?

    A potential career you’ve always been passionate about, that gets your energy flowing when you even think about it?

  284.  #284Andrea on May 7, 2014 at 5:45 am

    oooohhhh! Kyla. In 2011 that is exactly the way I felt. There was a tipping point in which I just could not make myself do one more day in the life I’d been living. I stayed up the whole night one night in a crazed kind of communication with God and Angels and Spirit Guides and Ancestors and Self. Finally toward the dawn I made a decision that would change my life forever.

    For me, I had owned my business. Had over 380 clients, a month’s worth of people scheduled, rent on my apartment and my office, bills, two daughters, you know… everything.

    But I was slowly fading away. My soul was choked. I decided to let go of everything. I cancelled my clients, mentioned to some people that I was selling my business and with in three days I had a colleague who wanted to buy everything and take over my rent. It was like as soon as I made that final decision and committed to it, the Universe stepped in to make it happen.

    Well, I lived off the sale of the business, paying monthly bills and living on a tight budget. I thought I just needed the relief of not owning a business anymore. But everyday I spent with myself, writing, contemplating, meditating… I realized, I wanted something different out of life.

    I was stunted for a long time. I didn’t work. I think I must have gone into a deep depression or something. But I’d been living on low energy and giving that away for years and years. I just simply had nothing left. It took 7 months for me to lose everything. I could no longer pay the rent on the kind of lavish apartment we had. I started selling things of value in order to survive. Jewelry, electronics.. etc…

    All the while I was saying to God, “I don’t want to make a move unless it is at the urging of my true soul.” Then finally somewhere deep with in, the answer came. I truly wanted to finish my degree and go back to college.

    After that revelation came to me and I made the committment to that, again, the whole world opened up. I found a program 200 miles north of where I’d lived that housed single parent students for a fraction of what I was paying in rent at the time. I filed for tons of programs, scholarships, federal and state aid… and I moved my daughters and I to a whole new city.

    That was three years ago and my whole life is just …. I can’t describe it. I have my massage license so I do massage on the side for pick up money. I work at a little health food coop. And I get to go to college. My dream is to pursuit a career in inspirational speaking. I feel energy every day knowing I’m actually living a life that is aligned with the authenticity of my soul.

    We are “poor” by the standards of all the “stuff” we had before my decision. But I feel alive. Alive everyday and proud to show my daughters that I’m living the life of my dreams…. I mean… heading toward my goals in every possible way, but also, every day has meaning, has purpose. I feel connected to this community in a way I’ve never felt anywhere else.

    It was excrutiatingly painful going through those seven months of… not seeing the path ahead of me. But I always had faith that something would wake me up again. And I really learned that I had to give it all up. All. In order to gain…. Everything.

    It came to a point that I just had to be true to my soul and trust that everything else would fall into place. It really did. I’m forty and every morning, I’m really really happy.

    I feel that it’s a good place to be when attracting the love of my life as well. Just… happy. I have faith that this part of my journey will turn out as well.

  285.  #285cathy on May 12, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Ive been reading and learning and still feel paralyzed by the fear of losing the man I love. We are both in our mid forties and divorced after long-term marriages, 18+ years. We have been dating 8 months, I now know I confused exclusive with committed. We broke up in Oct for a couple of weeks, I totally leaned back & he returned. I love him & have told him, I also sense he loves me but has not used those words. Last night he told me he thinks he wants to be friends, that he doesnt know he’ll ever be able to commit to me, even though he says he doesnt want to date anyone else & he doesn’t want to lose me….ugh. I have prepared my script & we are supposed to talk tonight. Here it is….can I give it to him to read? Am I really prepared to date others? Will I really be able to let go of the result?

    I am sitting down to write what is going on for me, what I think about you, and our relationship. I am expressing these feelings and thoughts from my heart and can now let go the result.

    I am feeling love, fear, anger, and excitement.  I feel strong love, attraction, and affection for you.  I feel angry about being asked to be just friends.  I feel fear that my feelings will never be returned. I feel excitement and hope at the possibilities for my future.

    I want to respect your needs and give you the space and time you need until you can decide what we are.  I also need to take care of my feelings; I am feeling vulnerable and fragile. I do not want to lose you. I have thought that my attention and focus on you would bring you a sense of happiness, contentment and that letting you lead with no pressure or expectation would allow you to feel trust and relaxed.  I know now maybe that was to ambiguous and still left you feeling pressure to commit?

    I have attached myself to you and invested my time and my heart in you, yet you still feel slightly beyond my reach. I’ve been so attached that I’ve made up excuses for you when you were not showering me with the attention that I craved.  I need to take care of myself first by making sure that I’m committing to the right man- someone who completely adores me and wants to give me his heart forever. I don’t want a boyfriend.  I am looking for someone to walk off into the sunset with, get married, and nurture our families.  And so…… I have decided that I don’t want to get exclusive with anyone until that guy shows up. I am looking for romance and a real relationship; being friends with you would make it hard for me to move on.

    “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).  I want to be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of my heart I give to a man.  I want to be able to walk away from a dating relationship with my whole heart intact so that my future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road.  I need to always consider what, when, and how much to give away.   

    I used to think I would meet a man, we would date, we would become exclusive, and we would get married.  I think I confused exclusive with commitment. You have made it clear you don’t know what we are, where we are going, or even if you would be able to commit to me in the future, yet I can sense strong emotion, affection, care, concern, and even love.

    I view my place in this relationship as being a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share. I don’t want to allow fear and emotions to get in the way of the amazing relationship that should be mine or maybe ours. I want to remain continuously committed to increasing the flow of love and good feeling in our relationship AND I don’t want you to feel trapped, pressured, or worried.  

    I feel strong love, attraction, and hope.   I want to go back to dating you, I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t have time in my life for male friends because I will be dating other men.   I want to accept dates with other men, not sleep with anyone else, and also keep dating you.  Dating will allow us to continue to figure out, “do we fit?”  I want to keep my heart open, find my feelings in every moment, and work through fears of the unknown.  What do you think? -Cathy

    Ok, I tried hard to speak from my heart, follow. I feel, I think, what do you think strategy. Now what, am I ready

  286.  #286Rori Raye on May 12, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    Cathy – NO!! Please don’t send this long email/letter. Don’t write him anything at all! Romantic relationships are based on attraction. They’re based, for a man, on sex. You can’t make him want you more by talking to him…it will make it worse. Please, please please start Circular Dating NOW!!! This will have the biggest impact. Then tell him – you’re not sure how you feel about seeing him again, and you’ll let him know after you take some space for yourself. Love, Rori

  287.  #287cathy on May 13, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Rori, I am so confused.  We did not end up talking last night, our kids schedules were packed.   I really dont think our relationship has been sex driven,  I probably want more  intimacy/sex than him right now.  He takes antidepressants that affect this & has struggled with depression for a ling time. There is more than on the surface, but I wanted to get straight to I cant be friends b/c I do feel he wants all the best of me companionship, comfort, counsel,  nuturing, social, encouraging. ….but without the commitment.   When he suggested we be friends,  he said he doesnt want to date anyone else, but also doesnt think we should have sex.  We have had the we are exclusive talk and I really feel I should tell him I plan to accept dates? My letter was an attempt to prepare a script/speech while trying to follow what ive learned.  I feel, I want, I dont want, no more girlfriend/friend…?  Can I verbally tell him these things.   We havent finished the conversation we started Sunday and im at a loss,  I do love him.  Maybe it should be simpler? I thought I could keep dating him & open up my options with other men; I dont want to wait on a man who may never commit, but dont want to lose a chance to develop a life with him.  He talks about how perfect I am for him and that he knows its not rational, but he feels “stuck” and unable to move forward in a relationship b/c he knows I want to be married again.  Ugh!

  288.  #288Alicia on May 14, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    hmmm. I feel just a little confused reading from Rori.. “relationships are based on romance… for a man it’s based on sex.” Isn’t the whole point of this website is to be fem and all feeling. We all know that sex alone does not keep a guy. I agree that the letter maybe too much, leaning forward so much could seem and feel little desperate. In that sense actions are louder then words. And really the energy shift a guy can feel. 🙂

    On another note aside from that.. I feel conflicted and also gently disagree with the whole you can have sex with a man whenever.. I would venture to say if having sex with a guy too soon flips you into masculine energy and then you end up pursuing him. DONT do it.. until your esteem is in a good place for letting him win you over. There is a lot of vulnerable women on this site and sure do if it feels good to you but.. be smart. I took a look back on my relationships and realized having sex too soon kept me from opening up in a lot of areas.. And now I am in something where we have taken time to really build chemistry and I’m so open. I feel so safe and super trusting but, I learned that about me and setting boundaries felt healthy for me. 🙂

  289.  #289Helen on May 15, 2014 at 6:00 am

    I have a question Rori ( and to the rest of you too)
    I don’t really understand the deal with loving your life and be happy the way it is , love yourself fully and at the same time express that you feel that you miss a person share with him how good it feels to be around him. Doesn’t that come across as needy ? Or maybe it’s me feeling vulnerable and weird saying it. What do you think?

  290.  #290Femininewoman on May 15, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Alicia I resonate with so much of what you have said here

  291.  #291Alicia on May 16, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Thanks femininewoman.. glad someone feels the same. Or understands what I mean. 🙂

    After getting burned so many times or just not being able to be myself after sex.. or shut down or what have you. Waiting and letting the guy win me over until I feel safe to open up with him on several levels has kept me in a leaned back state.. And it’s awesome. And he feels empowered to. 🙂

    I have one more question.
    I know long distance is “imaginary” but, lets take my sister for example.. she met a guy in another state. They saw each other a few time.. then became great friends thru texting, emailing, phone, 24/7 he came for visits and she went for visits and now they are married. Is it possible that some long distance relationships work when in fact you have seen each other. Or is it that all long distance is imaginary??
    The same for my dad and step mom.. they met on a business trip when he was in South America. Spent a few months together. And after awhile she came for a visit and then they have been married for 30 years. I don’t want to give false hope to anyone. I just feel confused.. Is it possible that sometimes developing a friendship turned romantic this way actually works?

  292.  #292Alicia on May 16, 2014 at 12:12 pm


    It’s just you being vulnerable. lol..

    Try it.. it so interesting. But, try it in a calm jovial mood. Like.. this is what I would do especially is he say something sweet:

    Aw, I miss you! 🙂 or

    Aw, it feels so good to having fun with you. I sure do miss you. 🙂

    Guys with

  293.  #293Alicia on May 16, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    I clicked send before I was done.
    But, my guy is on it.. when I talk like that. He say things like, I have never felts this way about a girl before. I thought I would never get married again. You make me want to be a better man. I’m going to close you and make you mine. I’m giving you everything I got.

    Let me just say.. Never in my life has anyone talked to me this way.. Until I started being vulnerable and sharing feels in a sweet jovial way. I put my own little humor to it. But, it’s really amazing.

    I was on here 5 years ago a hot broken mess.
    I circular dated for a few months.
    Got a counselor grieved and processed and learned to set boundaries.
    Took a rest – a super long rest like 2 years of just me.
    Then I started enjoying just me.. like I’m going to live my life if God has someone for me or not. And if not that is okay.
    I went to movies with myself (not feeling alone). And even out dinner.
    I got really peaceful about it. Finally just truly let it go.
    Then BOOM! It hit me. But… this time I remember the tools. And I started responding in positive feelings. And even just saying things like.. I like that!
    And it’s been so bonding. He is wanting me to move in and I’m trying to decide if I need a ring or not.
    So, you will get comfortable with it. And he will feel more empowered to move mountains for you. It really works.
    I read this quote.. “Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.”
    Add that o Rori’s a man needs a women for her feelings.. and when you feel good, he feels great! So if he is doing something that is cute to you, or makes you feel special or happy. Let him know that and then joke back..

  294.  #294Alicia on May 16, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I clicked send before I was done.
    But, my guy is on it.. when I talk like that. He says things like, I have never felts this way about a girl before. I thought I would never get married again. You make me want to be a better man. I’m going to close you and make you mine. I’m giving you everything I got.

    Let me just say.. Never in my life has anyone talked to me this way.. Until I started being vulnerable and sharing feels in a sweet jovial way. I put my own little humor to it. But, it’s really amazing.

    I was on here 5 years ago a hot broken mess.
    I circular dated for a few months.
    Got a counselor grieved and processed and learned to set boundaries.
    Took a rest – a super long rest like 2 years of just me.
    Then I started enjoying just me.. like I’m going to live my life if God has someone for me or not. And if not that is okay.
    I went to movies with myself (not feeling alone). And even out dinner.
    I got really peaceful about it. Finally just truly let it go.
    Then BOOM! It hit me. But… this time I remember the tools. And I started responding in positive feelings. And even just saying things like.. I like that!
    The experience has been so different and bonding. He is wanting me to move in and I’m trying to decide if I need a ring or not.
    So, you will get comfortable with it. And he will feel more empowered to move mountains for you. It really works.
    I read this quote.. “Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.”
    Add that to Rori’s “a man needs a women for her feelings..” and when you feel good, he feels great! So if he is doing something that is cute to you, or makes you feel special or happy. Let him know that and then joke back..

  295.  #295Dominique on May 16, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Alicia – 291 – Yes it’s possible to have a long distance relationship actually become something real and beautiful. More often though it doesn’t. His actions will have to speak far more than these words. I encourage you to keep yourself open and curious yet also release expectations and agenda. If he comes through, wonderful. If not then you have not invested anything.


  296.  #296jamie on May 18, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    I wish I could afford ANY of these programs!! I have the ebook. But feeling so STALLED in my current relationship and after a year I still have not gotten an “I love you” and have only met his mom only bc I brought it up for Valentine’s Day. He comes over pretty much every night for dinner, on his own, I don’t ask. He knows I am looking for a new place for me and my 3 girls and has yet to offer for us to stay with him. He’s 11 yrs older than me so I know there’s an age difference. Men are so strange at times! Lol

  297.  #297Dominique on May 20, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Helen – 289 – This is you being real. Allowing yourself to feel vulnerable in this way can be hugely empowering. No one can take advantage of you unless you allow it. You get to choose every step of the way.

    And as a note, there is nothing wrong with feeling needy now and then. We ALL do. And a good man will appreciate this authenticity in you.


  298.  #298Goddess of Love on May 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    A question. I’ve been dating J since November. He is not working now, lost his executive job, is living off his savings.

    I would like to go on an inexpensive vacation. So far he has been paying for our eat outs, gas, lacrosse games – really expensive, though he is a fanatic about them. He is thinking of declaring bankrupcy – his ex wife raked him and is still raking him with their divorce. Since I want to go on the vacation – a visit to my sister in NC, stopping at his Mom’s in VA on the way and then over to the outer banks can I offer to pay for gas, and split the other expenses – saying this is a Father’s day gift and early b’day present.

    Or should I just forget the idea? Wait till he brings something up, or find someone else to do vacations with?

  299.  #299Rori Raye on May 28, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Marilyn – Welcome, and what’s happening to you emotionally is so normal for us women – and FIXABLE!!! If I were to give you an order of things to do, I’d recommend this: Get the ebook. Work through it – seriously. Then contact one of my Certified Coaches and take at least one, full, paid-for session – they will HELP you get the better of the way you’re thinking is running, how it’s running you and punishing you – and side-step it to a calmer, more grounded feeling. Just go over to the Pages on the sidebar and look for the Directory of Coaches. I don’t take ANY money from them – just refer, because they’re fantastic! Love, Rori

  300.  #300Sirenity on May 28, 2014 at 8:18 pm


    Keep it are free completely and owe nothing to a man who doesn’t want to commit to you. This is the classic trap many of us have lived through and learned from ! Of course he just loves all that friendship, support , nurturing , company etc , with or without sex. He doesn’t have to do anything at all but lie back and receive it ..and that does not require any effort from him at all .

    But commitment ? That requires desire , intention, responsibility , fearlessness , purpose and a whole lot of effort and energy . He has told you he doesn’t want to be that man that wants commitment to you. He doesn’t want to make the effort. So why wait around another minute ? Why waste even one more second of your precious time on a man who has told you he doesn’t want what you want.

    ” James ,This situation feels bad for me. I don’t want to feel this way . I intend to look for the relationship and commitment that will make me happy. I would feel better with no contact and i do wish you well. Good luck and good bye” (exit stage left and don’t look back )

    It is unlikely he is going to magically change . It is unlikely he will realise his mistake and come after you. It means you need to realise your mistake and start to cherish yourself and keep yourself open for a man who wants relationship, and wants to commit to you. Yes , they are out there and after getting through a scenario similar to yours, my available man found me.

  301.  #301Azure Blu on May 29, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    Alicia #293
    How wonderful to read your story and your insights!!
    I LOVE this…
    “Flirting is the GENTLE ART of making (maybe, allowing, would be a better word?) a man to feel pleased with himself.”

  302.  #302Goddess of Love on May 30, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Good morning ladies…
    Question – Is telling your partner that you would like to do something, like go on a vacation, part of the no-no’s. Sorry to repeat this question to you all, but I’m going to see/be with J this weekend, and don’t know if I should bring this up with him. He feels like he doesn’t have much money now…does not have a job. I would be willing to pay half or more of the expenses, but don’t know if that would be “doing” too much, and the relationship is more important to me than the vacation…though I feel we both could benefit from the vacation.

    If anyone wants to jump in with what they feel Rori would say on this I would appreciate it.

    Wishing all of you and me a day of “presence” where we appreciate the minute miracles surrounding us.


  303.  #303Femininewoman on May 30, 2014 at 11:53 am

    Maybe I would share that I am longing to go on a vacation to whereever, I feel a deep longing to go.

  304.  #304Azure Blu on May 30, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Sounds like you are doing really well with leaning back…
    What i have learned is to make sure YOU are taking Good care of YOU
    Your life… pampering you,
    your home, your friends…
    When I concentrate on MY feelings,
    learn who I AM,
    Learn to find my feelings and listen to them…
    Learning what I want my life to look like.
    What I want a relationship to look like.
    And seeing if the man I am with
    fits into MY dreams.
    Leaning back gets easier and easier

  305.  #305Betsy on May 31, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Dear Rori,

    I just thought I would write a quick note as I have been reading your emails off and on for about 3 or 4 weeks. I am 70 years old and have been seeing a 75 year old man for a few months. It seems that at this age, a lot of your advice comes naturally as many of the things you say in your columns, I know I have done without even thinking about it. Love and sex are great at any age especially if you just let it happen. If you have to work very hard to make it work, then maybe it might not be the person you need in your life. Anyway, just a comment from an “older” lady who is very happy in a new relationship after many years of being alone.
    Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

  306.  #306Dominique on May 31, 2014 at 11:16 am

    MarilynKay – 313 – it’s not about waiting a certain amount of time and so on which would be game playing. it’s about being authentic, real, and also checking in with yourself to see if you have agenda or expectations. you can back immediately if you feel excited to talk to him, if you won’t feel hurt or upset if he’s not giving you a reaction you imagined that you are expressing your joy and happiness just because this is how you feel no matter what he does or doesn’t do, that your happiness isn’t dependent on what he does or doesn’t do, says or doesn’t say.

    does this make better sense?


  307.  #307Rori Raye on May 31, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Betsy – Brava to YOU, and thank you for your great words. Love, Rori

  308.  #308Dominique on May 31, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    MarilynKay – You done good. And it’s okay to have a runaway brain now and then. We all do. So you notice, and you smile at yourself and the world, and keep going, learning, growing, finding all the feel good spots you can and reveling in them.

    Love to you.


  309.  #309Dominique on June 2, 2014 at 5:37 am

    MarilynKay – Welcome to life. One minute you feel great, and the next, not so much. Try to remember that men tend to be far more easy going about things as well as not so tuned into each little word. It’s the over all feel to them. Does he feel comfortable with you, safe even? Or not.

    Have you heard the expression many coaches use – You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man –

    For the most part this is very true.

    If he called, he’s interested and thinking about you. You can try this to encourage an invite if you if you want to experiment, be brave.

    Say something like this to him next time you speak, “It would feel so good to spend some time together.” If he asks what you had in mind, tell him, eg. “A walk in park would feel amazing” or whatever it is you want to do with him, or you can say this. “I don’t know, surprise me. I love surprises.”

    Love to you.


  310.  #310Indigo on June 2, 2014 at 5:42 am


    I would really watch the negative self-talk – such as screwing things up, feeling like you need to be medicated etc. That will lead nowhere good – and I speak as a recovering negative self-talker! Be kind to yourself, forgiving, soft, gentle… merciful even. So what if you said that? You haven’t screwed anything up.

    I have learnt from my own experience that this feeling of inadequacy within ourselves and like we can’t really trust ourselves is what drives us into chasing a man with our thoughts… wanting them so much to make things better for us. Practice making things better for yourself… and it does take practice, but it’s really worth it. Are you CDing other guys? Do you have family, friends, hobbies, passions, work that you are throwing your energy into, that give you pleasure and fulfillment?

    Welcome 🙂

  311.  #311Goddess of Love on June 3, 2014 at 2:45 am

    Good Morning Ladies…

    I feel like I am messing up my relationship with J.

    This weekend we were together. I needed to use his computer. I unintentionally got caught in his emails and noticed two from Match. They were short notes from a correspondence with another women. We had just had a wonderful day; he had told me how much he loved being with me. The messages from/to the other women triggered me. I probably should not have opened them, but I did. I told him it was an accident that I saw the notes, but that I was triggered. He got mad at me, saying I had no right to open the emails. He said he was not going out with anyone but me, but needed friends. And he said “you’re still on Match’. I gave him the script I had luckily just read here, that I want commitment, not just girlfriend status, and don’t want to pressure the relationship. I told him I wasn’t wanting to change him or run his life; he had a perfect right to talk to correspond with whomever, but that I would need more to take care of my heart, and possibly do more things that would do that. The next day, Sunday, we were close again, had a great day – didn’t talk about the incident.

    I need some help with CD – getting to go out with people on line. I’ve had times where lots of men were interested and asking me out from Match. I seem to have lost some knack of having that happen more. Do you or do you not write to men you are interested in, and what exactly should you be saying?

    Any suggestions would be appreciated.


  312.  #312Dominique on June 3, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    YAY you MarilynKay!!!


  313.  #313Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    MarilynKay #324
    You sound sooo good… especially wanting to get out there and continue CDing…
    There are quite a few archives about online dating..
    They are over on the right side under
    Post directory of Rori Rays Blog
    You click on that and it takes you to all the catagories of her archived blog posts
    Soooo much good info
    here is a link,,,

  314.  #314Azure Blu on June 3, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    ooops…Goddess of Love
    that last comment was meant for Goddess of Love

  315.  #315Goddess of Love on June 6, 2014 at 4:49 am

    Good morning ladies…

    Azure Blue – thanks for your comments. I read the blogs suggested. Started CDing again, basically with men that are interested in me/approaching me. Went to lunch yesterday with someone who was “almost literally all over me.” Didn’t enjoy it much.

    J wants to get together again this weekend. I agreed, but am still confused about his Match activity. I’m pretty sure he is still on. Should I leave it on the wayside…not talking about it again, just “being” in the experiences of the moment? We had a good time together the next day after I found out about his activity on Match.

    Any suggestions?

  316.  #316Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Goddess of Love,
    I’m remembering that you like J quite a bit.
    You’ve been CDing for awhile…

    This is my perspective and it isn’t what RR recommends
    but it works really well for me… I am 62

    I have been online dating off-and-on for 2 yrs…
    I have met really nice guys because I have a good since of who they are and if they have potential
    from messaging and phone conversations BEFORE we meet… I don’t let the messaging and phone go on too long!!!

    From those I meet I can tell if there is any potential by the 2nd or 3rd date because
    For me this is the perfect time to share
    what I am looking for in a relationship
    with my CDs
    as we are new so I softly and warmly share my dreams….
    “I am looking for a man who is wanting a long term rest of my life relationship”
    “I know it first takes dating to get to know people but I am patient”
    “What are you looking for?”

    Men have flowed in and out of my cding and the ones that I have enjoyed the most
    who do come back I will date again…

    When I find a man fairly compatible with qualities I am interested in
    and HE asks me “I would like it if we only see each other” or some form of this… 🙂
    I will stop dating others and get off line
    because I have found
    I CAN’T
    really get a feel for THAT MAN
    UNLESS I am only seeing HIM.
    Because things that bother me or
    i’m not sure about- like
    how HE solves problems, his since of humor
    How he moves the relationship forward…
    I can’t really get a feel for
    when there are other men
    in my rotation… it muddys the experiance

    BUT this is ONLY IF
    they have met
    MY criteria
    1) THEY are looking for a
    rest of their life relationship
    2) They have asked me to stop
    Dating others (or being online)

    By the first or second month of only dating
    That one man… I have a good since if I want to continue dating him or not…
    and If NOT… I say sweetly this isn’t going to work for me.
    and I get back online or take a break and give ME extra TIME and LOVIN!!!

  317.  #317Azure Blu on June 6, 2014 at 6:10 am

    PS Goddess of Love
    I’m not sure if you know this
    the siren Blog is actually on a
    New thread
    If you go over to the far right at the top
    you will see a category called
    Recent Posts
    click on a name and it will send you to the new thread!
    That is where you will find MORE sirens interacting with the RR Blog

  318.  #318Love Goddess on June 6, 2014 at 6:33 am

    Thank you sooooooooooo much Azure Blu- that is helpful…and thanks for re-directing me to where others are…