Your Heart Is A Conductor

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intimacyHere’s a letter from “Lois” I just wanted to share:

“Rori, On the blog, I read a great quote from a “Siren” about the heart being a conductor and how every part of your body can feel your feelings, and how it can be felt from 5 ft away from you – and it’s SO true!

My fiance will say things to me when we’re sitting next to each other like, “I can feel how stressed-out you are, what’s going on?” or “I can feel that you really like this/are happy/are upset, etc.” even when I HAVEN’T SAID ANY FEELING MESSAGES to him AT ALL.

I’m always shocked when I hear him say that to me b/c I’ll be like, “How did you KNOW?! I was just feeling that right now.” It’s so fast how quickly he can feel what I feel! All I did was drop into my body and feel my heart, and it’s when I do this he’ll tell me (and apparently the feelings he can feel are pretty strong).

I’ve been a long-time follower of Rori’s (since 2006 when I broke-up with my ex before I met my current Fiance) but it was only around 2009-2010 her programs around feeling messages, circular dating, and high degree of difficulty really clicked for me. At the point where I am now, my FI (“Fiance”) not only understands what I say to him, but he’s starting to really feel and see what I also feel and see when I talk to him.

I still use feeling messages to him, but these days my communication with him has gotten “simpler” and I find I don’t have to always say “I feel….” in every other sentence because he “feels my heart” when I say something to him.

It sounds a little cheesy I know, but I don’t know a better way to state it. I’d be very interested to hear from other women who’ve been through Rori’s programs for awhile, how their use of the tools have evolved, changed, and grown over time as they’ve mastered it. Please do share!

I didn’t mean to make this so long, but “IamHis” comment about how people around us can feel our hearts rang a bell with me. As I said, communication with my FI has grown deeper, simpler, easier, and also more FUN & connected now that he really feels my heart & feelings when I speak to him.

I do have to say though, when I’m anxious, angry, and generally drained/low energy, not feeling good, etc. I tend to go into my head and am disconnected from my body/feelings (my normal response when I don’t feel good).

So in this state (when I’m in my head and not connected to my heart & body), if I try to communicate with my FI it’s like banging my head against a brick wall! He’ll tend to “forget” more often (not purposely) what I tell him, not as responsive when I talk to him, and I feel frustrated and like he’s the “typical male” whose a horrible listener and doesn’t “get me” at all!

But I’ve definitely learned instead of lashing out at him for being insensitive and being an a$$ when I need him to listen, if I take a self time-out and get back into my heart/body and take a few min. to check-in to see what’s going on with me first, and when I try to communicate again, but this time being connected with my heart, it’s like the clouds get lifted and communicating with my FI becomes SO much more connected and I experience ease.

For anybody whose stressed about what exact “words” or “phrases” to say to a man (esp for feeling messages), I say stop stressing! I think someone else mentioned this before, but what what you actually say to a man doesn’t matter as much as what’s going on inside your heart.

Just the same way we can tell someone is feeling really insecure/upset/happy/not happy but they say otherwise and try to act differently (hence the term “he/she is being fake”), I’ve found out that men are reaaalllllyy sensitive to women they are romantically interested in, in this way.

So to all the beautiful Sirens out there, here’s to staying connected to our hearts, bodies, and lovely/not so lovely feelings! Thanks for letting me share :)”

***From Rori – Lois – Thank you so much for this….

Posted in


  1.  #1Daria on March 31, 2013 at 5:43 pm

    I love your heart Daria.

  2.  #2blue rose on March 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    just wanted to say hi!

  3.  #3seahorse on March 31, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    I feel joy in reading this.Thank for sharing your story.

  4.  #4millie on March 31, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    Rori, I love reading your blog, every time I do I feel more inspired and empowered, but at the same time realize how much more self-realization and change I have before me. Currently, I need a little advice.

    I don’t want to write out the whole story, but put simply, I offended a man who is a friends with benefits, we have a five year on and off history. I feel like the whole argument was a miscommunication as it was via text, but after a few days I have not heard from him, nor has he accepted my apology. This whole thing wouldn’t really matter but, the miscommunication was centered around a jacket of his that he loves which I offered to fix. (I know I shouldn’t have) Part of me wants to give the jacket back so I can forget about it and move on, the other feels scared of what will happen if I do that, but I don’t really want it laying around at this point. Anyway, I regret starting this friends with benefits up again, even though I do love his company. Not sure if I should wait until I hear from him, but who knows when that will be. What do you think?

  5.  #5Femininewoman on March 31, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Hi blue rose

  6.  #6Zia on March 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Loved this, thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

  7.  #7Zia on March 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Loved this, thank you for sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

  8.  #8Liquid Light on March 31, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Wow!!! I really loved this too!!!!

  9.  #9k2012 on March 31, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    The above post sounds interesting.

  10.  #10Linda G on March 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    Wow, I can feel her calm and easiness

  11.  #11Willow on March 31, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    The main thing about Rori’s tools… I don’t feel I need to be in control, I don’t have to “stay on top” of the relationship, I don’t have to talk him into anything or feel I need to convince him of anything.

    I have bad days. I posted one recently. But I feel more relaxed and alot less burdened overall. You can’t do the wrong thing with the right man so I can just let it all hang out and tell him how I feel and sink into myself and my passions and my whole life outside of him (which is pretty active) and not worry. He’s not my center. I won’t ever make a guy my center again.

    That’s the bulk of Rori’s tools I use… feeling messages and keeping my focus on sitting back in my row boat, under an umbrella with a glass of wine in hand while he rows me wherever we’re going to go. I’m along for the ride. That’s my attitude towards life, but never was it my attitude towards men before Rori’s tools. Sinking into my soup has helped me understand and decipher my feelings, as has writing scripts. I often still have to tell my guy “I feel sad/angry/disappointed/etc… and I need to process it” before I talk to him about my real feelings. Before Rori’s tools I never knew what I felt about anything. There was like/dislike/anger and that was about all. Now I can really understand what’s going on.

    So I don’t use all the tools all the time, or even most of the time. I use a few key ones constantly.

  12.  #12Vi on March 31, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I felt like a butterfly all day ..enjoying smiles and fresh air and feeling free and like I have all the time in the world.. and a girl wanted to make a pic of my outfit for her blog.. hehe.. and since I’m back home I still feel elated and also notice these daughtery feelings.. tension in elbows and numbness.. just noticing.. I feel like sending myself a big Valentine.. I am healing my family patterns.. I am learning new family roles.. I am such a brave girl

  13.  #13Willow on March 31, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    I forgot to say…. I have to tell him I’m still processing, because like Lois, my guy always knows how I feel anyway! I can’t hide it, but it doesn’t mean I understand the feelings entirely, yet.

  14.  #14Libelula on March 31, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    From previous thread 965: Zia
    I totally know how you feel. I’m considering something similar. I have some jars & I can put a small stone in for each time I don’t contact. To see a physical manifestation, may help me realize how far I am coming.

    Lois: Thanks for doing such a nice job restating what our goal is.

  15.  #15seahorse on March 31, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    10 12 Willow

    Thank you for writing that. The waiting to understand your feelings, then speaking is perfect. Thank you

  16.  #16Rori Raye on March 31, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    millie – Welcome, and I don’t truly understand your whole situation and why you feel so wound up and “scared” over a miscommunication with a man who is your “friend” – with or without benefits. Just say your truth and expect him to “get” you. It doesn’t matter what I think – why do you even want this relationship? Love, Rori

  17.  #17millie on March 31, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    Thanks for replying Rori,
    I’m sorry I didn’t give you enough information. As I’m trying to type out the story to you, I’m laughing because I realize how silly this is and how much it doesn’t matter! I don’t want this relationship, but it’s hard because he is someone I was in love with, who still says he loves me even though we aren’t right for each other. It is an addiction, that I repeatedly break and renew, only to continue hurting myself. The “miscommunication” I speak about involves sex, which is a big part of why we still even see each other. After this argument and getting the silent treatment from him, I realize more than ever that I don’t want this anymore. It’s not worth it. I just need to return the jacket. The fear comes from not knowing how I’ll be treated if I do show up to return it. Saying this out loud…makes me feel silly. It doesn’t matter what he does, only that I feel free-er.
    Thank you for listening, I read your posts every day!

  18.  #18millie on March 31, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    Just wanted to add– that I feel so happy and honored to speak and hear from you directly!

  19.  #19Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 12:01 am


    From previous thread: It’s nice to see you back!

    hugs to you.

    As the other ladies have said, I think you have your answer. I have been broken up with like this before – basically where I texted him that I wanted more clarity on what we were to each other, and he avoided answering the question but said we could talk in person when we saw each other. And nearly 2 weeks went by where he didn’t make plans to see me, and then we had plans to see each other on a particular day and I got a text early that morning to say he couldn’t make it, and I just *knew*.

    We’d only been together for a month or 2 ( so less than you and M) but I basically took the day to myself to journal and feel a little grief, and then the next day I was DONE, and never thought of him again.

    As to why guys do it this way? I think Elsie hit the nail on the head. They don’t want to come across as jerks (even though they are), they don’t want to have the conversation and listen to your words and possibly make you cry.

  20.  #20Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 12:37 am

    I’ve shared about D before, and this is a man I was in a serious relationship with for some time, and now we are just friends, though still share a deep bond, because of serious issues which make a relationship impossible at this time.

    I have got to the point now where I am seriously letting go of the pain of that and have accepted the way things are.

    I’ve spoken on here before about how I’m a big fan of speaking the truth, gently and with caring, but speaking the truth. It has been amazing to me how my ability to speak the truth has evolved as I have healed, and gotten more peace, calmness and strength. I have now seen some pretty amazing results with my ability to speak the truth to D in this way, now.

    Before I could get pretty easily confused and tied up in knots with a few words that he said, and we’d end up going round and round in circles, not doing each other any good, in fact causing a lot of stress and pain. Now, I am pretty quickly able to cut straight to the heart of a matter, and I am amazed by how he has responded and by how the stress and the drama has dried up so quickly.

  21.  #21shina on April 1, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Hi Rori! I was the person who originally posted this comment that you just put up, in your previous thread (“If He’s Too Suggestive Too Soon…”) and wanted to let you know my name is “Shina” and not “Lois”.

    Thanks so much for everything you do and can’t wait to see other Sirens’ experiences with this! xoxo

  22.  #22IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:35 am

    wow, I feel special. Never been in a post before! ๐Ÿ™‚

  23.  #23IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:39 am

    I was feeling numb when I was having that talk with Jack CD.

    I used feeling messages, but it was like I couldn’t feel my body.

    I was using feeling messages more about how I HAD been feeling, rather than exactly how I WAS feeling in those moments with him.

    I guess that shows that I wasn’t speaking my feelings with him the way I should have “in the moments.” Oh well. Still practicing.

  24.  #24IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Felt so many emotions at the funeral. Felt supported.

    Feel so guilty for my misplacement of emotions onto Jack CD.

    Very layered and confusing.

    Maybe more about my friend than anything else.

    It was a beautiful service.

    Today, I feel full of gratitude and determination. Gratitude for life and health. Determination to make the most of each day.

  25.  #25IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:46 am

    @21 shina – Rori is always very concerned about our privacy on here, so she usually uses code names, just in case you use your actual name on the website.

    I really appreciate it, myself! ๐Ÿ™‚

  26.  #26IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:49 am

    I felt completely stripped of everything that wasn’t authentically “me” this weekend. I felt vulnerable, but also completely safe. I felt “seen” and appreciated for who I truly am.

    I don’t want to build defenses around myself anymore.

    I don’t want to live in fear and panic anymore.

    I want to be exposed and fearless and loving.

    I want to BE love.

  27.  #27IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:51 am

    How did I really feel?

    I think I really felt relief. Happiness. Courage. Pride.

    and a little anger and sadness too.

    It was a confusing soup, glazed over with shock.

  28.  #28IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Right now, I’m a little unsure of how I feel.

    Sinking into my body…

    I feel sad.

    and hopeful.

    but the emotions don’t feel deep.

    I still feel a little numb…

  29.  #29BeLoved on April 1, 2013 at 6:05 am

    As I was writing about something totally unrelated this morning, I felt that delicious little pop of an “a-ha!” moment.

    When I was a child, my father used to snarl at me, with as much contempt and disgust as he could muster, “You aren’t good for anything but f*cking, and not even that because you are so ugly.”

    Somewhere inside of me, I just *grokked* that he was projecting,
    that had nothing to do with me and was a belief he held about himself that was so intolerable that he would unleash it on me when he was drunk.

    I feel like Helen Keller at the water pump…:)
    W A T E R
    W A T E R

    It really had nothing to do with me.
    It really had nothing to do with me.

    Hahaha, this feels sweet and light, like pink cotton candy in my heart.

  30.  #30k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 6:11 am

    “They donโ€™t want to come across as jerks (even though they are), they donโ€™t want to have the conversation and listen to your words and possibly make you cry.” Indigo, do you mean this is the reason why men disappear that Elsie has put forward?

  31.  #31IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 6:44 am

    @29 (((((((((((((((Beloved))))))))))))))))))))

  32.  #32Heart on April 1, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Hi Blog – I went to a gym trial tonight…I guy started talking to me …we had a nice conversation & he asked me for my number. I feel giggly but also blah.

    I’m trying to study & improve myself today…I feel like I have adult add or something…I keep getting distracted but I feel kind of good about Just doing something productive.

    It’s been 2 days & I haven’t heard from CudG…he has seen my essage & he’s been slightly active on FB but he hasn’t resonded. Part of me feels hopeful & another part is bracing myself for that Heartache-omg-it’s-really-over feeling…

  33.  #33Linda on April 1, 2013 at 7:00 am

    This post gives me more incentive to continue walking down the path I am on right now. It is becoming a bit more automatic to instantlt consult my heart on matters before my head. My vibe resonates from here and often I was not even aware of what message I was sending because I was in my head space, totally oblivious to my real feelings at time. I want my “vibe” communication and my response to others vibes to have confident,soft edges… even when I pick up on the negative ones.

  34.  #34Heart on April 1, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Millie – I would explore this need of yours to give back the jacket…what are you feeling when you experience this need?

    NME – maybe he just needs space…how long has he been “gone”

  35.  #35Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 7:19 am


    Yes, or why they choose the slow-fade as a way to break up with you. A big part of it is they don’t want to have the conversation which will make them seem and feel like a jerk, and they don’t want to see or hear you upset.

    I once read a book about men, written by a man, which said that men dread making women cry.

  36.  #36Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 7:26 am

    @IamHis – I’m sorry for your loss….

    @Nme – I think that its called the “fade away” its what guys do when they dont want to have the talk…..they stay in enough contact to seem like there is still something there, but just sllloooooowly fade away.

    @Beloved- I literally GASPED out loud at my desk when I read your post and almost cried. No one ever deserves to hear that – espeically from their father. I am so sorry that you ever had to go through that – I simply can not imagine. Wow….you are strong…and made of wonderful stuff. I truly admire you.

  37.  #37Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I wonder if we stay away from exclusivity and consider each man contact as a “date” if we would be worried about the “fade-way”?

  38.  #38Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I agree with Elsie, Beloved. How difficult and painful that must have been for you when you were younger. You are amazing to have moved beyond it.

  39.  #39Heart on April 1, 2013 at 7:42 am

    I’m trying to think of ways to lead a more fulfilling life?
    Any suggestions?

  40.  #40Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 7:56 am

    FW from the prior thread. Yes, I don’t have the past left behind completely. It’s a process, I will get there.

    As to the rest of it – why should I be easy to please? Btw I have my reasons for the way I feel in each situation that I may not detail on the blog, but in any case – do I have to be reasonable by someone’s (not even mine) definition?I actually want to experiment and do what I want! So what if they have to work harder to get me;) -?

  41.  #41IamHis on April 1, 2013 at 7:59 am

    what’s important to you, Heart?
    what makes you feel alive, good, and invigorated?

  42.  #42Millie on April 1, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Heart–that is a great question! I feel like the jacket symbolizes something, maybe my attachment to him. In its presence, I feel anxious more than anything, shaky, a little guilty. In the past when this man and I have fought, I don’t handle it well. It makes me feel physically ill, can’t eat, can’t sleep…I’ve experienced that this time around as well, but the desire NOT to feel that way is bigger than the sickness and queasiness I feel. In reality he could take control and get the jacket himself, but I guess I feel responsible, I do feel that impulse to “fix” to “restore” to not have the energy of the argument linger in my room, in my space.

  43.  #43Willow on April 1, 2013 at 8:01 am


    I understand where you’re coming from. My grandmother, who raised me, was that way. She gave me alot of vile messages like that. The fact that I undid her programming, and all by my middle to late 20s, just shows me how strong I really am. Alot stronger than her vulgar, demeaning negativity and her constant spewing of venom. That woman vomited it in every direction she could. She was a destructive force and had always been so, according to every single person that ever met her.

    Likewise, whatever compelled your dad to say that existed in him long before you came along and you can be sure you weren’t the only target, but a child is definitely the easiest and most cowardly target. MOST of what people say to us is a reflection of THEIR reality, not a real observation of who we are. And his reality, like my grandmothers, sounds bleak and depressing. I choose to have compassion for their suffering, but not take it personally. It was never about me, and your dads spewing of his sad inner world was never about you.

  44.  #44BeLoved on April 1, 2013 at 8:06 am

    My heart feels like purring, thank you Indigo and Elsie and IamHis…

    I feel grateful.
    I totally see it now as a cry for love.
    I can feel compassion flowing, a trickle, but it’s flowing.
    I can see my father as a small child and feel compassion for what he must have heard and experienced to talk to his own daughter, WHO HE LOVES, that way.

    something is shifting in my mind, something coming together here

    I can see him in front of me, and I am Tara, the embodiment of compassion
    I feel ripe and liquid and flowing and fluid
    He looks at me, snarling and snarling
    the mask breaks down
    He is on his knees crying and I, as Tara, am embracing him with tender compassion

    as I see this
    other images superimpose
    a memory of a dream

    in this dream I was a vampire, driven by bloodlust
    I was also the brother of this vampire, and I loved him so much I couldn’t stay away from him. I knew he would eat me alive and I didn’t care because I couldn’t stand to be apart from him, my love was so deep.

    as the vampire, I consumed my brother/myself and become one being that
    started running and running and running
    to a small cottage in the woods
    the cottage was innocence and in that moment I knew
    The vampire, the brother, the cottage, the innocence were all one and the same.

    Leading to a memory of a recent dream, where I told someone who felt scared of her rage toward me,
    You can’t hurt me! I AM love!

    Oh…something just released a little in my heart and my gut, felt like a very short guitar string just broke and let go.

    I feel like I just leveled up.

    I feel grateful for my experiences – otherwise, how would I know what I’m made of?
    I am strong, I am courageous in spades!
    I am love
    I am love
    I am love

  45.  #45Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 8:09 am

    @Millie – Does he want the jacket back? Or do you just want to give it back?

    If he doesnt want the jacket back – maybe you could give it to a charity…..

  46.  #46Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Memulo – then they work harder. That is, if they want to.

  47.  #47Kerri on April 1, 2013 at 8:21 am

    All these wonderful tools…I learned to love myself

    Love Letter To Myself.

    I use to write these letters to men I shared my body with…today I am writing this letter to person I share my soul with. I love myself and express kindness with each thought and each intention. I am the creator of my universe and I truly believe I am loved not just by myself but my others around me. I am kind and truly grateful for this life and all of my experiences. All are an expression of love. I choose love today, I choose to live with love in my heart. Love is my greatest desire. I use to believe I could only feel this when someone else loved me but I am learning the greatest love to love myself first. My heart yesterday in yoga was opening it’s self again. I felt bliss….I felt stronger, each day, each breath bringing me back to life, bringing me back to myself. All the things I can achieve… possible cause today I wrote a love letter to myself.


  48.  #48MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 8:22 am

    Heart, what is your greatest passion? I would say spend some time exploring that within yourself. Start getting clear…& once you feel like you are closer to that understanding, make your passion a weekly/daily intention. I have mine tattooed on my arm as a promise & daily reminder to myself.

  49.  #49Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 8:31 am

    FW, yes, that’s the whole point;)

    Surprisingly, what I’ve seen so far is that they do want to please me.

  50.  #50Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 8:33 am

    I saw some questions regarding returning ex’s stuff – mailing it is the option I sometimes take. And do it quickly, so it is DONE;)

  51.  #51Veronica on April 1, 2013 at 8:33 am

    From the previous thread:
    Dominique -668 – I loved the article!

    Femininewoman – 469 – Thank you so much for your thoughts. I find your suggestion of shifting my perspective on being hopeful quite beautiful. It’s helping me to step out of my stuckness and I could feel this other more magical possibility open up for me. I could actually feel that. I haven’t contacted him for almost two weeks and am trying not to do so – but you’re so right about it not being taking space if you’re still in contact. I haven’t communicated that I wanted space – it’s more like I just don’t feel any good compulsion to contact him.

    I can feel myself slowly letting go – I’m beginning to not care if we contact each other. But I’m only beginning so I have to be quite careful. At this stage being friends with him still feels like perpetually breaking up. But my feelings and thoughts haven’t shifted yet to what I want to do. But there are quiet murmurings – today’s one was along the lines of “I want to be a woman, I want to receive like a woman. I want to have many chances to experience enjoyment as a woman. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a man where I can’t be and explore as a woman. I’m tired of doing.” It’s just a murmuring.

  52.  #52Millie on April 1, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Heart–that is a great question! I feel like the jacket symbolizes something, maybe my attachment to him. In its presence, I feel anxious more than anything, shaky, a little guilty. In the past when this man and I have fought, I don’t handle it well. It makes me feel physically ill, can’t eat, can’t sleep…I’ve experienced that this time around as well, but the desire NOT to feel that way is bigger than the sickness and queasiness I feel. In reality he could take control and get the jacket himself, but I guess I feel responsible, I do feel that impulse to “fix” to “restore” to not have the energy of the argument linger in my room, in my space. Plus it is a one of a kind vintage jacket that he has made clear he wants back.

  53.  #53Heart on April 1, 2013 at 8:37 am


  54.  #54MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 8:40 am

    Liquid Light, I eat a strict vegan diet & find most men are more than willing to work with me on it. If they aren’t it says more about them than it does about me. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m laid back about others diets & don’t try to force or even talk about mine at all really. I’m from the mid-west originally & eating vegan could be more of a challenge but I worked with what I had. I moved to Nyc about 6 years ago & there’s countless vegan options here. I’ve dated more non vegans than I have vegans. Vegan is more of a life style than just a diet for me at this point. ๐Ÿ™‚

  55.  #55Heart on April 1, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Iamhis & Movingmagic – Thanks for the input…I can think of many things I really, really like but nothing I’m Overtly passionate about….I’m really Interested in pining & obsessing over a man/imaginary relationship (lol!) …That’s been my Number1 hobby for years.

  56.  #56Heart on April 1, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Millie – I would encourage you to sink & journal all the feelings that come with the jacket. If it was me, I would feel y feelings for 3 days and postpone any action.

  57.  #57Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

    When I was out walking today, I was thinking about what it takes for me to feel safe with a man, and of the qualities I want in a man.

    And I was thinking of Game of Thrones (which I am reading at the moment) and one of the characters said he would find for his daughter to marry, someone who was gentle and brave and strong. This same character puts honour and integrity before all else, and he said he couldn’t wait to be back at home in his own bed and fall into a dreamless sleep with his arms wrapped around his lady wife.

    And I thought yes. This. This is the kind of man I want. Someone who is gentle and brave and true, with honour in the way of the knights of old. Someone, who after all their battles and their troubles, will return home and hold me in their arms and fall into a dreamless sleep.

  58.  #58Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 9:16 am

    @Indigo – Yes, that seems nice, but it is a fairy tale. ๐Ÿ™‚ I think its a good idea to make sure that you have the basics of kindness and integrity, and someone who wants to be with you at night……but I just caution you not to fall into a “hero” or “knight in shining armor” trap…. ๐Ÿ™‚

  59.  #59Millie on April 1, 2013 at 9:27 am

    Heart, thank you…I agree sinking and doing nothing is probably the best for me.

    As for your question, I would observe when you feel unfulfilled and try different things and notice how you feel. For me, I feel fulfilled when I create something, I love designing. Activities like dancing that are very social also lead to new feelings and possibilities. For everyone that idea of fulfillment is different though.

  60.  #60Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 9:27 am

    It’s almost impossible for me to catch up with everything that was posted over the weekend! Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday filled with love and blessings.

    Question: I want to to a really good detox/cleanse. Do any of you have thoughts/ideas on which are some of the best? I’ve gone through some in the past with mediocre results. I want to seriously find something good and something I can use regularly. Again, never been impressed enough with anything I’ve tried in the past to keep going back to it or recommending it to friends/family. Thoughts on this?

    As far as this article: Loved it. Beautifully written and just…lovely.

    Much Love,

  61.  #61Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    @Mercedes – Glad to see you here – missed your voice!!!!! (Frankly, could have used some of your good advice LOL) I miss you when you arent here haha!

  62.  #62Heart on April 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    “Use the silly voice technique. According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, swapping the voice in your head with a cartoon voice will help take back power from the troubling thought.”

    Found the above onlineใ€€

  63.  #63Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Haha Elsie, too late! I already fell into that trap with my first marriage ๐Ÿ˜‰ He was about as close to a knight in shining armour as you could get, he even wielded swords ๐Ÿ™‚

    Maybe I will find my true knight, but he won’t look like the fairytale.

  64.  #64MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Mercedes, I usually do raw foods, with lots of beets & freshly pressed juices when I do cleanses.

  65.  #65BeLoved on April 1, 2013 at 9:37 am



    I use Mark Hyman’s Detox Box.
    It was very easy, and now it’s pretty much the way I eat all of the time.

    He has other cleanses and books but I find them to be too complicated and expensive for my taste. This is the one I revert to time and time again, it is the one I went back on most recently when I got off gluten a few weeks ago.

  66.  #66BeLoved on April 1, 2013 at 9:41 am


    LOVE it!!! Thank you!!

  67.  #67Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Thank you ladies!

    MM: I’ve tried the juice cleanses in the past and will consider that again. Never used beets in particular. I’ll have to look into that.

    BeLoved: I’ll look into that one too! Where would I get it? Does it need to be ordered online or can it be picked up locally?

    Elsie: ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve missed everyone here too although it is strange for me. This blog crosses my mind a lot and I think about so many of you but I also really, really enjoy my days that are completely internet free. I really like spending time with J and do love the fact that we get to have quality time.

    Much Love,

  68.  #68Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 9:47 am


    that is great that you live in NYC and have so many vegan options there, and lots of vegans you can connect with! Whenever I go to SF, I love all the different food possibilities – even the food trucks have a vegan dish usually. Love it!

    curious, how come you are vegan and how long have been vegan? (don’t answer if you don’t want to, it may be too personal for a public forum)

    I’ve been vegan for about 2 years, mostly because of not wanting to harm animals or contribute to factory farming, but more and more its also because of health issues.

  69.  #69BeLoved on April 1, 2013 at 9:54 am


    I believe you need to get it online because it isn’t one of his recent releases. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

  70.  #70Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 10:02 am


    awesome that you live in NYC and have so many options to choose from and other vegans to connect with. Whenever I go to SF, I love it, there are so many restaurants that are now serving vegan food. Even the food trucks usually have a vegan dish.

    how long have you been vegan? it sounds like its been a long time?

    i’ve been vegan for 2 years

  71.  #71ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 10:08 am

    Hi ladies … Ive been having trouble with feeling messages with the guy im seeing … Its soo hard any tips and recommendations would greatly be appreciated !

  72.  #72ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Ive finally admitted i miss him several times while he was away for work ๐Ÿ™‚ and i believe he liked it … But i want waayyy more of a connection! Waaayyy more !

  73.  #73Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 10:26 am

    ArabianLove: For me, it is more about being open and loving. As long as I love myself and take good care of myself and (most importantly in my opinion) take responsibility for my own happiness, the connection continues to foster and grow in the most amazing ways.

    Although I do use feeling messages sometimes (when I really need to be sure he’s hearing me in his heart – Like when I’m hurting or when I’m feeling overwhelming love for him) but mostly I don’t. I don’t want them to lose their effect on him so I don’t make them a part of our normal conversation.

    Be true to you, be good to you, take care of yourself and go on any internal journey you need to go on for self-healing and happiness and I can assure you, the right man will be so attracted and feel so safe with you that the connection you want WILL happen. It can’t be stopped. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  74.  #74Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 10:30 am

    MM: Was it you that recommended The Art of Happiness to me? I bought it and started it yesterday. Absolutely LOVE it!

    Much Love,

  75.  #75Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Did you know that the reason most single “soulmate seekers” have a hard time finding love has to do with what Katherine calls your “hidden barriers” to love?

    These are things like . . .

    “Old Agreements” that you made long ago to yourself or others that you may or may not even remember.
    Such as the time you declared to your ex that he or she was the great love of your life.

    Or the time you vowed to never open up your heart like that again.

    “Festering Resentments,” particularly toward ex-loves, where you still feel victimized by how poorly and unfairly you were treated.
    No matter how justified these resentments are, they leave you unable to open your heart up to love again, because as long as you’re pointing the finger, you’ve not done the work to grow yourself beyond the person you were when you gave your power away to your former love.

    “Core Beliefs” you hold deep down inside you about your worthiness to receive great love into your life, such as “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unwanted.”
    Until you can name them clearly and challenge their validity, they’ll continue to cause problems by generating evidence that they are indeed “true.”

  76.  #76Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I am acting like a crazy person. I stepped out for lunch and saw a pretty girl, dressed very tastefully and with imagination, which is not that common. I had a quick thought that a girl like this us an exact ‘type’ of dumbcd. Then she entered my company building. Then I was in the elevator with her. She seemed very young, under 30, and acted kind of arrogantly. When I got to my desk I thought – it could be her. Hair dyed in exact color that he likes, tall, slim, freezes with a lot if taste, looks foreign. I couldn’t stay at my desk and went to look for her. I didn’t find her. I’ve never done anything like this in my life. and now I’m thinking – if he had her ready to go out with him – would he say anything to me? Probably not. He would treat her like another trophy girlfriend and stick to her. And if she is a good girl, which is probably the case, she will be good to him. I’m getting old, my train is passing;)

  77.  #77Dominique on April 1, 2013 at 11:09 am

    Memulo – it’s not about how old or young you are, how you dress or wear your hair. it’s about you, your deep inside, precious gifts you.

    have you considered why you named him dumbcd?


  78.  #78Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:13 am

    Dominique, thank you. I can’t say smartcd anymore, when I do it feels like he is still part of my life, like I can put my arm out there and touch him.

  79.  #79Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:14 am

    My hair is natural color btw. I am a natural dirty blonde;)

  80.  #80ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Thank you Mercedes ๐Ÿ™‚ !

  81.  #81Dominique on April 1, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Memulo – Maybe dumbcd is a more apt name. If he can’t see or doesn’t want to see your beautiful insides, then…


  82.  #82Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:19 am

    His brother left family with 3 kids, not very young though, for someone half his age.

  83.  #83Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 11:25 am


    Wow, powerful stuff, very profound.

    Core beliefs. Yeah, I think this came into play big time with my ex. Probably core belief being around that he wasn’t enough for me, or rather he was too much. This is probably not going to make any sense because I’m really tired and only slept like an hour last night. ughh.

    My last relationship ended in a similar way and for a similar reason. My taking them for granted. They sense these things on a deep level, and I’m sure it doesn’t feel good.

    Now that my ex is no longer in my life I’m feeling the loss so much, and realizing what I gave up because of my core belief.

    Now that I’m feeling differently and feeling like I would appreciate him and not take him for granted, I wonder if that can shift things for us.

    Still there is part of me that feels like he was too needy and I resented that. I wonder if its still going to get in my way if we reconnect? Bottomline is that no one is perfect, so why am I so hard on men? He bent over backwards for me and it still wasn’t enough. Then again, I had a new contract and my art that I wanted to give my time and attention to so I resented that he was so demanding. Now the contract has mellowed out and I’m not so hell-bent with my art, so maybe now the timing is right. I dunno…

    Big, big sigh.

  84.  #84ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Being true to myself would have me reaching out to him first … I mean i get the response i want when i do do it occasionally but i have noticed to that when hes not busy and i let him come to me the time between which we last saw each other decreases .
    Anyways, i feel deep love for him … I mean coming deep from my core but then when we are together i find it hard to connect with him and with my core feelings … Hmmm

  85.  #85Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Thank you Dominique.

  86.  #86Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Speaking of my art, I just got into another show!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  87.  #87ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Do you do journaling or anything as such to help with understanding your feelings ?

  88.  #88Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Even though he is SO sick and didnt even go to work today apparently – he texted me a few times already. Love it.

    So love the idea of being able to create the space so he can fill it up as the boy. But at the same time, its so hard when he is not doing what I want exactly when I want it exactly how I want it LOL.

    Mercedes – you are so right that you need to take care of yourself and your happiness…..sometimes that is so hard to do….. ๐Ÿ™‚

  89.  #89Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @Arabian Love –

    This concerns me – you said Anyways, i feel deep love for him โ€ฆ I mean coming deep from my core but then when we are together i find it hard to connect with him and with my core feelings โ€ฆ

    When you are actually with someone – you should feel a connection and it should be more easy more often than it is hard.

    If it is hard to connect when you are with him, perhaps you should look for someone you can connect more easily with????

  90.  #90Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 11:33 am

    @Arabian Love – Journaling is awesome. You can do it any way you want that works for you.

  91.  #91Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Elsie do you believe it is hard to do relationship things? Or things in relationship is hard?

  92.  #92Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:40 am

    I have to stop this, I feel like such a loser and I feel rejected every time I think about it. These are not self-degrading thoughts, it’s more a regret that I didn’t act my full self and let this happen. I am pretty and stylish too. Next time I should HOLD them. I should OWN it. I should not allow any ambiguity in the relationship. I should be tougher.

    And yes, I know a couple of cases where 15 y or so younger women broke marriages because they couldnt stand their old guys anymore.

  93.  #93MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Mercedes, it was me who suggested the book. It’s amazing, huh? ๐Ÿ™‚
    Liquid Light, I’ve eaten a vegetable based diet for almost 17 years, 12 of them vegan. I don’t know all that many people who choose the same, though I know many people who are very into health. I tend to surround myself with people who are into a healthy life style…it’s also something I look for in men. ๐Ÿ™‚

  94.  #94Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Here are 5 of the best foods for your brain.

    Brain Food 1: Beets

  95.  #95Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

    @Liquid Light…

    Elsie do you believe it is hard to do relationship things? Or things in relationship is hard?

    Nope. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I think relationships can be difficult and challenging, but I dont think I think it more than anyone else…why?

  96.  #96Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 11:51 am

    My core belief was that he shouldn’t be so needy and demanding and insecure. And he should support me with my art, contract etc.

    But maybe this core belief could be replaced with a new one: that his insecurity is kinda endearing and lovable and very human quality.

    Maybe its the part in me that I don’t like and am repelled by (my weakness and insecurity) and that’s why I found it so hard to accept these qualities in him???

    whoa! thoughts?

  97.  #97Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 11:55 am

    oh jheez I think I’m hitting the nail on the head???

  98.  #98Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    At her age I was prettier;)

    And yes, I said I understand that he would go for someone else behind my back – no, it’s not the case. I don’t understand the disappearing when he knew I loved him and was in a bad situation. That is hard to respect.

  99.  #99Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

    Elsie I asked because it seems you use that word a lot.

  100.  #100Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Maybe my supporting myself with my art, contract etc is enough? Why did I feel like I had to get that support from him as if he owed it to me? funny, never questioned that until now!!!!

  101.  #101Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 11:58 am

    @FW – interesting. I didnt know I used that word a lot – I will have to think about it. Maybe subconciously….thank you for pointing it out…..I love this blog. ๐Ÿ™‚

  102.  #102Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Elsie read back on your comments. Maybe it was two back to back where it is repeated. Though one is reiterating what LL said but you made the comment before about your guy.

  103.  #103Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    LL – I would really look at this “him as if he owed it to me” if I were you.

  104.  #104Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    I wonder if it’s a coincidence that everyone I met after him treated me better..

  105.  #105Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Wow Memulo, it feels as if you are incredibly harsh with yourself.

  106.  #106Lilybelly on April 1, 2013 at 12:06 pm


    You have to know that it isn’t about you. Men don’t date women, at least, not for very long, just because they find them pretty. The thing that grabs them and keeps them is INSIDE the is about her being and not about her looks only. I guarantee it.

    If you simply look at it like he wasn’t the one and move forward with the knowing and the certainty that it (he) is coming and all you have to do is make room and be your best authentic self…would you? Could you just let go enough and let it happen??

  107.  #107Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    he was jealous when I started to get recognition for my art..he’s in a creative field too. It made me sad and I wanted him to be happy for me and support me 110% Hahahaha! Truth is, I’ve often felt jealous when others have gotten recognition for their art too! It’s human but somehow I thought that he “shouldn’t” feel that way.

    Truth be told, he was supportive too…just not as much as I wanted him to be…sheesh, I’m so hard on people!!! ๐Ÿ™

  108.  #108Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Indigo, what do you mean? And thank you.

  109.  #109Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Memulo, this post #90

    “I have to stop this, I feel like such a loser and I feel rejected every time I think about it. These are not self-degrading thoughts, itโ€™s more a regret that I didnโ€™t act my full self and let this happen. I am pretty and stylish too. Next time I should HOLD them. I should OWN it. I should not allow any ambiguity in the relationship. I should be tougher. ”

    and other posts of yours, suggest to me a harshness and a driving of yourself.

    It would be nice to see you being gentler with yourself, and letting this stuff go.

  110.  #110MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Fw, blueberries are also really amazing for mental clarity. ๐Ÿ™‚

  111.  #111Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I was sort of disgusted with his insecurity…it started surfacing more and more as our relationship went on. At first, he seemed so confident and self-assured but then the dynamic shifted and I became more confident and assured because of my art, he became less so. And it turned me off.

    I’m realizing that this is always going to be a dynamic for me. (FW, I think your post really hit a raw nerve for me..)

    Help!!! How can I move past this????

  112.  #112Veronica on April 1, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Liquid Light

    Congratulations on getting into a show.

    Isn’t that the case with art that there’s a lot of sensitivity around being recognised? How do you avoid understanding your progress as an artist in terms of the success of other artists?

  113.  #113Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I don’t know Indigo. It is true though that with others it wasn’t so hard. I didn’t have to fight or wonder about things that were promised and each time either taken away slightly or given back slightly.

  114.  #114Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    Thanks Veronica! Yes, I’m seeing that so much now…I didn’t want to feel jealous but I did…I kinda didn’t even admit it to myself though…

    Perhaps if I accept these “negative” qualities in myself, I can accept them in him too??? whoa!!!

  115.  #115Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    ArabianLove: Yes…I journal and I meditate a lot. It keeps me in touch with not only my feelings but also my core needs and desires, wishes and dreams and most of all, my beliefs and true self.

    “Being true to myself would have me reaching out to him first โ€ฆ” – If this is true, then your true self wants and needs a man who you reach out to first. That’s all good, there are plenty of those men out there…but I suspect being true to yourself would mean admitting you truly desire a man who will make you a priority and contact you as a beautiful woman should be contacted.

    “I mean i get the response i want when i do do it occasionally but i have noticed to that when hes not busy and i let him come to me the time between which we last saw each other decreases .” – And is this okay or enough for you? If so, you should keep doing it. If not, I would suggest leaning back and seeing how long it takes him to miss you and want to connect with you again. If that amount of time is not okay with you and causes you stress, then I would talk to him about it. I believe that inspiring him to care for your needs will make you feel so much better than doing it yourself and wishing he would.

    “Anyways, i feel deep love for him โ€ฆ I mean coming deep from my core but then when we are together i find it hard to connect with him and with my core feelings โ€ฆ Hmmm” – Do you find it hard to connect with him or does he find it hard to connect with you? If it’s you, then you should consider finding out from within yourself what makes a man easy for you to connect with. If it’s coming from him, then caring for yourself, keeping yourself doing the things you love and meeting the kind of people who have like interests and taking good care of your body mind and soul will either inspire him to step up to be with you on your journey or will allow you the openness to meet someone who will.

    Yeah…I recommend a lot of journaling (specifically on things you are grateful for) and meditation and/or visualizations. I see a need for you to fully understand the difference between being true to yourself long term and being true to yourself in the moment so that you get the result you are looking for.

    I hope that helps a little. That love you feel deep in your core will go a long, long ways if he has it too…

    Much Love,

  116.  #116Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    MM: Yes…I really, really love it as I have loved every other book of his that I read. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Elsie: Yes..sometimes it is very hard. It comes much easier with practice though…

    Much Love,

  117.  #117ArabianLove on April 1, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    Thank you Elsie for your concern ๐Ÿ™‚ … Its not painful and we do connect but its not as deep as i have been able to feel in my heart and sometime during oter occasions with him… I will be quite frank … This is a problem of mine i have a hard time feeling intense feelings. I try to protect myself i guess … Its only when im alone meditating that i feel anything intense ! It has to do with personality and nothing else :p

  118.  #118Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    @MM 92 yeah, me too, I like to surround myself with healthy people too…but unlike you, I think I have a core belief that my way is the best way. Ughh. This seems to be a theme for me. Your attitude, MM, seems much healthier!

  119.  #119Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Somehow when it just happened I was able to resist it better. Maybe because I still remembered not so good stuff about him along with the good stuff about him? I am not feeling good. I feel so lost. I feel like all my relationships will fail. There’s nothing to hold them. One person one day gets tired or sees a pretty younger face or talks to their friends who say he can do better and doesn’t return your call. It’s easy;)

  120.  #120Dominique on April 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Liquid Light – 94 – Fabulous revelations and wonderful thoughts to sink into and FEEL, ponder and FEEL.


  121.  #121Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    If I don’t address this, its going to come up in my next relationship, and the next one after that…it’s the same reason both of the last two relationships ended. And they ended in the exact same way – they broke up with me out of the blue and keeply completely cut me off. Right after a lot of intimacy and a lot of reaching out (on their part) Both times, it was very painful….but I was the common denominator and the dynamic was similar. There’s a reason this keeps happening and there’s a lesson for me to learn from this. All I can say is OUCH!!!!

  122.  #122Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Liquid Light: “Thereโ€™s a reason this keeps happening and thereโ€™s a lesson for me to learn from this. All I can say is OUCH!!!!” – I feel the “ouch” whenever I have a lesson that I need to learn (or believe I need to learn) where I am the common denominator as well. It really sucks to feel and see that way…no matter how important it is sometimes.

    I would caution you to allow that part of you that KNOWS not everything is your fault to expand as well. The lessons, I completely agree, we have to learn or patterns can continue and we have to take responsibility for our parts in everything that happens in our lives. The sort of “taking it all on ourselves and believing we are the cause” – I’m not so convinced.

    In other words…even as you learn your lessons and heal your heart…please hang on to the YOU that knows sometimes when other people do bad things, it wasn’t within your power to change it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  123.  #123Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Memulo I remember you constantly wondering and going into a downward spiral with that cd you are obsessing over. Your words suggested to me that he was neglectful and you were always wondering where he was, and what to say and do to get it all right with him.

  124.  #124Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    LL I wonder if it has something to do with competitiveness. To outshine everyone around you. Or to make others small so you can feel big and powerful. Just some thoughts popping up for me…….

    Your post remind me of Gay Hendricks book (I believe it was The Big Leap). There is an example about a parent mourning about the loss of a child and made a comment that suggest to the living child that the dead one would have been a better piano player. I am not sure I am remembering the story right but for years the living child surpressed his gift as a result. I am wondering if you had something similar happen where you made a vow to outshine everyone in whatever way you could with your art? Or something to the effect was said to you that caused you to feel less than so you made a vow (unconscious) or proving yourself to be better than.

    Maybe that does not make any sense.

  125.  #125Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Ok, let me try to do this. Always on meds, sometimes a lot of meds, with a fear that he won’t be able to hold a job again, with some ‘strange’ things about him, ‘strange’ history with the ex and a very aggressive ex in the picture, starting argument with strangers pretty much anywhere he goes, being consistently rude with waiters and doormen, and random people, forgetting to shave often, forgetting things, imagining things (i.e. kind of lying).. That’s a short list.

  126.  #126Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    @Mercedes yes, I am beating myself up but I don’t believe that the patterns in both of these relationships were arbitrary. in fact, the one that ended prior to this one told me straight up that I was obnoxious…hahaha!!

    Anyway, I know I have a tendency to be arrogant but I never thought it was getting in my way so much with men…And with women too…its not a good quality and I want to deal with it and try to be more humble and appreciative. hard to unlearn a lifetime of habitual behaviors and thought patterns though…sigh.

    I think the arrogance attracts men initially but then it becomes a hinderance over time to being in a longterm relationship.

  127.  #127Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    For my birthday he took me out for bfast, then he took me shopping for my gift, then he took me to a fancy dinner, then we spent the night together. It was the best bday in my life. A month or a bit more later I mentioned that friends want to take me to a belate bday lunch. His reaction: you had bday and didn’t tell me about it? When was it?

  128.  #128Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    “I wonder if it has something to do with competitiveness. To outshine everyone around you. Or to make others small so you can feel big and powerful.”

    Yes, sadly, I think this is very true.

    My family is very competitive, in fact, I am the youngest of 4 and the only female. Our family wasn’t one of support and nurture, it was always more about competition. So it just probably got ingrained in my very core…

    I had to resist (and with the help of this blog) my tendency to compete with my ex. But my instinct was to compete, thanks to Rori, the relationship lasted as long as it did. Otherwise it probably would have ended much sooner!!!

  129.  #129Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    LL: Yes…I can see that and I do agree that all of us need to work on ourselves and our traits that we discover which might hinder our relationships and learn our lessons and continue on our journeys. I just don’t want you to forget the plus side of being who you are and I don’t want you to take it all on. ๐Ÿ™‚

    My words are meant as words of encouragement to be who you are and not try to change because you believe it is better for other people. My encouragement is to continue to *improve* who you are so that YOU feel like a full, vibrant, lovely, happy, compassionate human being.

    “Compassionate” is the piece of me that I am trying to work on right now. I see the areas where I can and should feel compassion but my heart resists it for “logical” reasons. I don’t like this about me. I want to change it and I want to become a more compassionate person even when logically I don’t think it’s “deserved” (or something like that…I don’t know the right words).

    That’s the journey I’m on. I’m not resistant to changing parts of me that I myself find unattractive. I am opposed to changing parts of me that someone else told me I shouldn’t have. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s all a process…

    Much Love,

  130.  #130Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Yes FW, that’s exactly right. What it tells me though that if he loved me more he wouldn’t have done it

  131.  #131Libelula on April 1, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    Well, I was doing really well with not reconnecting with Mr UnA, but no stone in my jar today! *sigh* These feelings are powerful things & sometimes it feels almost impossible to deny them! I haven’t yet had a conversation or anything, but I keep checking for him & hoping he’ll message me while I am logged in. How long til this feeling fades away? He is still asking why I broke things off with him. For that particular answer, I don’t know how to be any clearer. I wanted commitment; he did not. I don’t want FWB; he does. So my two options were either I compromise myself or we stop seeing one another. I’m tired of feeling used, sad, disappointed, so I ended things.

  132.  #132Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    There was just so much there with my ex. We had so much fun together and were great together in so many ways. But I did focus on the negatives too much, and what wasn’t there. Anyway, it just seems silly to start all over again with someone else when he and I had so much together. It’s like I’m searching for the perfect relationship and it just doesn’t exist.

  133.  #133MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Liquid Light, I’ve had 17 years to find a peaceful way/attitude with my dietary choices. It will come. ๐Ÿ™‚

  134.  #134Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    LL: I thought I would share with you what I wrote in my journal this morning after my meditation. I don’t know why but I thought it might resonate or something. It’s word for word except the part in parenthesis but I wanted to give some background.

    April 1, 2013

    I feel like writing today. I feel like working on myself. I feel like studying and learning and getting certifications. I feel like finding myself. I feel a strong desire to let this video game thing continue

    (**he’s started playing again and when he starts he gets OCD so we use my need to do something different to ensure we don’t stay home doing our own thing all the time and instead we spend time together – whether home or away. He recently got a new game and will start it soon. When that happens, he will have the mental ability to immerse himself in it. I was, early this morning, feeling a desire to not break him out of that)

    and while it’s happening, I will go find a quiet place in the house, all to myself and become me again. I feel a desire to, instead of being sad about J’s upcoming travels, embrace the time I have alone to become the person I want to be. I don’t know if I can really accomplish that through the missing him. I feel a desire to awake earlier each day with a focus on improving my mind, body, soul and spiritual connection. I feel a need to improve. I feel a need to grow. I feel a need to prove to myself that my gratitude for my own life is real. I feel a need to talk to J about this focus on my journey. I feel a hesitation to do that because I know once I talk to him, he will encourage me to do it. I don’t know if I am ready for that. I know when he encourages or challenges me, I do it. I know I will talk to him. I don’t know when. I wish I was in a temple in India right now, with J, on this journey without the influences here getting in my way. I wonder if I am the only influence really getting in the way.

    Much Love,

  135.  #135Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    I have no idea if my ex would take me back or not but I think I need to find out.

    Thanks, MM, I appreciate that. A very kind and gentle thing to say. I need to practice this kind of attitude with myself and with others.

    Mercedes, thanks for your honest post. Love that you are so open about your feelings, and accepting of where you are at and where you want to go! Very inspiring! ๐Ÿ™‚

  136.  #136Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Maybe, for me, its about being aware when I’m feeling “better than/competitive” and then just letting those thoughts/feelings go. And then over time replacing them with more positive thoughts/feelings of appreciation and support? I dunno but I can practice that! I think that will be fun!

    Sorry, I am bombarding the blog today…I’ve got to focus on work, but this has been some seriously awesome processing and breakthroughing!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  137.  #137Mercedes on April 1, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I like the word “breakthroughing”…. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  138.  #138Daria on April 1, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    Yay I’m feeling excited in fulfilling my social needs — by reaching out to… Guys! … And having cool guy friends (who like me) to hang out with — and now I feel more *important* in that *(outlaw) career* way and that feels fun!

    And I’m Still open to men who have the power n know how to ask me out n take the lead!


    Hanging w my guy friends is not taking away from that…

    Even tho were all in love lol

    Smh at the huge amazingness of it !

    I’m floating rockstar …

  139.  #139Daria on April 1, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Ooh this feels inspiring I felt a jolt

    Mercedes: “I feel a need to prove to myself that my gratitude for my own life is real”

    That made me up jump my outlook for the day considerably.

    What what

    Good vibes

  140.  #140Daria on April 1, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    I feel a desire to help the part of me that complains.

  141.  #141nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    M just called…I answered but am out. He asked me to call back when I’m home. I feel likewe are gonna have our official break up……

  142.  #142Femininewoman on April 1, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    LL I can see being the last born of 5 and being the only girl could easily get you developing masculine traits and being competitive. If that is the case then with awareness you can notice yourself and choose how you want to be. Then re-present yourself to the world. All things are possible

  143.  #143Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    nme – oh no. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. I’m sure you are dreading the phone call. Just remember, that if this is the way that he is ending it – at least you will know now. That is honorable that he is going to at least let you know where he stands. Its more than he has done previously. So that is good. Maintain composure, feel your feelings, use your words, remember your boundaries….and just say what you have to say in a way that you will know you said it from your heart and he will have heard it that way.

    That said – you dont know – this may not be a break up call at all….

    keep us posted…..

  144.  #144k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    Beloved, hugs to u. What A terrible thing for a father to say to a child. My goodness. That is CRUEL. Are u close to him as an adult? I hope this horrible statement did not affect you. Oh my God. Ladies, I hope you are all enjoying the holiday weekend. We had another family gathering this weekend at my Grandmother’s home which was the venue for the last gathering at Christmas. It was wonderful. Indeed. My parents, my Aunty and my two uncles were there. My grandmother and four of her children were all together, in law (my father ) and two of her grandchildren(me and one of my sisters) and cousins were there. It was really nice. My mom told my aunt about disappearing ex a few days ago. I had told my mom that she could tell my aunt a long time ago as it was okay with me. She just told her a few days ago. My aunt mentioned that she wanted someone to do some work for and had asked my sister (overseas) if she knew anyone. My aunt resides overseas. My sister gave her disappearing ex’s number but my aunt tried to call him and couldn’t get him at all and wondered why. Then my mom told her. Of course when she heard what he did, she didn’t want him to work for her again. She was so upset and mentioned that’s the reason why u can’t trust these men. Anyway, I will find the right man one day. So I am being positive. I will find him and he will find me. A friend of one of my sisters who also met disappearing ex when I visited him, asked how am I doing since the brealkup. My sister told her that I got over him a long time ago. In fact ladies, I almost forgot- I deleted some pics of him on my camera just last night. I didn’t know how to delete pics on my camera and would certainly have to read the camera book to find out. Found out by chance by just fooling around with the camera. I went through and when I came upon those pics with me and disappearing ex, the wee hours of this morning I promptly deleted them. I only left one with me and him. I love to see myself in that pic so I plan on cropping it. I will have to find out how that is done to get him out of that pic. Does anyone know how I do it? The only reason why these pics were not deleted yet its because the camera was giving some trouble and I hadn’t used it in a while cause trust me, I would have deleted them shortly after the breakup if the camera was working.

  145.  #145Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    FW: thank you, I really like your post. Yes, I do think that’s true re. masculine traits and being competitive…and yes, I can and will work on it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Btw, I’m the last born of 4, only girl.

  146.  #146Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    @mercedes ๐Ÿ™‚

  147.  #147Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 7:03 pm

    Thanks Dominique! (Just saw your post)

  148.  #148Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    btw, my ex was a real alpha male and competed with everyone about everything. So it was a huge effort for me to not also compete with him. For the most part, I was pretty successful but I did find his constant need to compete *and win* to get tiring sometimes. Part of his “endearing” insecurity… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  149.  #149Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    ….wondering how nme is doing….

  150.  #150MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Liquid Light, I was an animal/human rights activist at one time, if that gives you an idea where I come from energetically. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  151.  #151Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    MM, that’s awesome that you are able to be so detached (not sure that’s the right word) and not get on your high horse about it! I have a hard time with that and it can be very off-putting to people…I need to stop doing that so you are a good example! ๐Ÿ™‚

  152.  #152Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    Lining up dates for the next week. I feel so lonely.

  153.  #153Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    K2012, you are doing great! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  154.  #154Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    me too memulo me too…hang in there! ๐Ÿ™‚

  155.  #155Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I screwed up at work today because of my nervous breakdown. It took one pretty girl with bright blonde hair lol.

  156.  #156Memulo on April 1, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Thanks LL;)

    When are you going to your coffee shop?

  157.  #157k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Does anyone know how Lori is doing? Haven’t seen her on the blog for a while. You know ladies, when a man disappears early on BEFORE things reach relationship stage, it doesn’t matter to me (like Overseas cd,lol), but when we are in a relationship and u disappear like that, its cruel. Well I plan to go to the park either Tomorrow or Wednesday. I am on a break from work. Its at this time (holiday weekends) u feel lonely cause there is no guy in my life to spend it with. If I was involved with someone and it was serious enough, that person would be at our family gathering.

  158.  #158blue rose on April 1, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    #5 Femininewoman

    hi back! I’ve been trolling but not as often as I’d like ๐Ÿ™‚

  159.  #159blue rose on April 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I want to say that I’ve been using and so far it’s been pretty good about meeting people, especially men.

    I need to practice more.

    But last week 3 different guys asked for my number. Only one called (the others might have called and not left a message).

    I think I stayed on the phone too long with the guy that called. But oh well. Will try to get off sooner next time.

  160.  #160Liquid Light on April 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    @memulo probably either on wed or thurs…I slept really poorly last (like one hour!) and want to be well rested or at least not totally strung out when I go!! Thanks for asking.

  161.  #161k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Thanks Memulo.

  162.  #162MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    LL, I’m incredibly passionate about veganism & what it means to me. I’m just as passionate about ingredients/quality of food. Veganism kind of opened new doors of understanding for me. I also know that food/life style choices are so personal. I don’t feel like veganism is the answer. It is MY answer though. ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel so confident in my personal choice, I don’t feel like I have to push it on people. That ease came with time & embodying my choices. ๐Ÿ™‚

  163.  #163MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    I’m finding myself really drawn to Attentive Cd. We talked on the phone for an hour today, which is super rare for me.
    My intention for myself this week is to stay focused on myself. I feel like I’m reaching a new place of growth & understanding. I want to do & feel things differently than I have in the past.

  164.  #164nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I will update soon…..just hung up cause he was crying to much and so was I…but he is calling back. Been on the phone for 1 1/2 hours so far. It is a break up but I’ve never felt closer to him. This is killing us both.

  165.  #165FindingDee on April 1, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    One of my CDs is feeling needy to me; I am not sure if itโ€™s my NV saying this, or if itโ€™s real. I donโ€™t have anything tangible, just that sometimes it feels like he is trying to โ€œcontrolโ€ me, when he uses courtesy. For example, telling me to stay in the car until I open the door, moving me to the corner to cross the street, or telling me to wait in the entryway until he joins me. At first, I felt like it was โ€œover-the-topโ€ polite/courteous, and was very flattering, like I am too precious to be riskedโ€ฆ.

    His last message felt like โ€œangryโ€ to me (he did not identify himself, and only said call me when you have some timeโ€). I have been avoiding calling him back โ€“ mostly because I donโ€™t think I have anything good to say. I feel defensive, like I need to have a good reason why I didnโ€™t call him immediatelyโ€ฆ this does not feel good!
    I think this is a good CD for me because I feel triggered by some of his behaviors, so I feel โ€œoh, good! This is great! I love being triggered!โ€. But I donโ€™t know what to say. Iโ€™m having trouble trying to write my Script for this scenario.

    I had a great time when we went dancing, he was very courteous, and I spoke my feelings that I am uncomfortable calling men, and other things. He only left one message, and now I feel torn โ€“ since I donโ€™t know what to say, do I wait for him to call me back and talk to him then?
    This does not feel good โ€“ I feel I need to determine what to say and return his call.

    I feel lost, not sure how to write my script. Where do I begin? My feelings are that he comes across as being too needy, and I donโ€™t want to be needed. I had fun with him but I see some aging issues, and donโ€™t want to fall into being a โ€œnurse with a purseโ€ kind of relationship.

    when I re-read this I feel like I am bouncing all around, like Pong.

    Would someone please help me build a script for this?

  166.  #166nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    I seriously have never got the “it’s me” break up before. But I just did now. He told me that he cares about me sooo much and that he knows the next step is to meet my older two kids (10 & 11) and he just isn’t there. He is scared and can’t take that step right now. He said it kills him to say that I deserve to be with someone that will make me happy all the time, someone that can take that next step. He literally broke down and started crying. He said that he can’t handle not having me in his life and he needs to be in contact with me still. That he is always here for me. He just needs to conquer his demons. He is so scared of the kids thing because of the way he was raised and everything that happened to him. He is still not past certain things. And I do know this….at the end I told him I will miss him and he lost it, started crying all over again saying he doesn’t want to miss me, he wants to be with me. He doesn’t want me with other people but he knows right now he can’t take the next step with me. I can’t handle seeing him sooo broken and hurting. He kept saying he isn’t good enough for me. We had to hang up twice so he could get him self under control to talk more.

  167.  #167k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 9:37 pm . I wish there was a branch in my country. I am going to check that site still. A relationship is really a chance. The methods of meeting men are by chance as well. I will check out the above website to see if there is a local one in my country. With online dating, I am not sure. I suppose if you ladies were in my position, u would probably feel the same way. After three consecutive men came into my life re socia networking websites, while I knew 2 of them before, at this point, I am honestly not sure if I should : 1. Give online dating a break and look for men face to face, hoping that I don’t have to return to online dating. 2. Continue online dating but use face to face as well, as after all different methods are good. Using more than one method might increase my chances of meeting a good man. I don’t know what to do. I am not very attracted to online dating now because of the disappointment with those 3 guys, u know what I mean. What do u think ladies? I mean I know that the ultimate decision lies with me, mark you but I value your opinion and advice. Dating is a piece of work. I just don’t know. I get it-i am not motivated by online dating now, to tell u the truth. What are your thoughts?

  168.  #168Libelula on April 1, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    k2012: The only way I’ve been able to crop a picture is to download it first & use a software program for photos that allows me to do this.

    FindingDee: That’s a lot to deal with. Wish I could help you.

    nme: This is what I am wishing for you. To take a deep breath, hug yourself, do something nice for yourself, cry and miss him. Maybe someday he will be ready, but I believe there is someone else who is ready for you now. What a way to practice tools, tonight. Are you exhausted?

    Mr UnA responded to me that he understands. When I read this, I felt my heart break open to him again. This is so difficult to resist. He didn’t say he wants to commit or that he wants the kind of relationship I want. I’m not sure if this means he is saying good bye and letting go of me; or if he’s hoping this will bring me back; or something else entirely. It’s so hard to lean back and take care of myself when all my impulses want to embrace him again. *sigh* It’s all part of the process, I suppose. If he were a truly “toxic man,” this would probably be easier, but he fell in the “difficult” category. Someday I’ll look back and smile at all this & how much I grew because of it. *hugs to me*

  169.  #169nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    Libelula_ I’m exausted….my eyes and nose hurt. My head hurts. I don’t want to say good bye to him, it would be so much easier if he just didn’t have any feelings for me anymore. But he does and this kills me. I KNOW him. I knew even as others said otherwise that there wasn’t another woman. I knew we were committed and in a real relationship. I also knew he wouldn’t fall off and that’s why I was going nuts. And now??? To know what he is going through….I wanna fix it for him. I want to tell him the way he feels and what he went through as a child is not his fault. But I know he needs to find this all out on his own.

  170.  #170Elsie on April 1, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    nme – thought ofyou and actually got back on line because of you…..I’m so sorry you had such an emoitonal evening. We have all been there and it is soooooo hard Just rest right now…..think about all of it tomorrow – just rest – give yourself that.

    You did wonderful tonight……maybe someday he will be ready and if he is he will know that you are the girl that knew what she wanted and had bondaries but also was in touch with her emotions……great use of the tools tonight……

    Rest….and give us an update tomorrow

  171.  #171nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    Not sure where I read it (email or ebook) but Christian Carter said one reason a man can pull away that has nothing to do with you and you can do nothing about is if he needs purpose. Job or personal life. Well M is definetly missing this in his personal/family life. He is looking for his purpose and it is killing him….

  172.  #172nme008 on April 1, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    (((((Elsie))))) Thank you…I’m calling it a night now. I’m beat.

  173.  #173Zia on April 1, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    I have a coffee date tonight, the first date in almost a year. I feel nervous and I feel afraid. But I am going to just go there with no expectations and see what happens.

    I am still very much in love with my ex though. I think I actually feel afraid of the possibility of moving on from my ex, as I’ve never been the one to move on first from a relationship?

    I know I still feel so afraid and scared of putting myself first and I just hope that with the tools I’l get the confidence I deserve. I feel tight in my chest at the thought of moving on.

  174.  #174Libelula on April 1, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    Zia: Can you be patient with yourself tonight? This is what I think would help me. To breathe, feel the tightness in my chest, then imagine my better self hugging my hurting self. And I’d try to remind myself that it’s OK if I mess up because I’m practicing. I’m not on stage to perform.

  175.  #175seahorse on April 1, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Beautiful nme

    Big warm squishy hug. Take sweet care of yourself this evening……….. and breathe.

  176.  #176Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 10:32 pm


    I’m so glad he finally called you in the end. It must be so hard for you to know that he is hurting, but you may be in no doubt that he cares about you.

    I hope you take it easy and gently with yourself.

  177.  #177seahorse on April 1, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Core beliefs. I feel the gonging in my head and a matching gong in my chest area. Feels weird. Like a left over from therapy. I got mad one day in therapy, I don’t remember what the trigger was, but i yelled out ‘ Whats the fn payoff?’. And she keep asking questions, almost aggressively, and i keep breathing and staying in touch with the feelings and answering, it came to the moment when I got it and I stood up with the lightness in my stomach and then it went up to my chest and I felt like could of just keep going up and out the roof. It was beautiful. Core beliefs is what got challenged and released.

    And wouldn’t you know? There’s more.(laughing now). I feel secure in knowing how to go about it better. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

  178.  #178k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Thanks Libelula. Nme, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Breaksups are NEVER easy. He is not ready? Oh my gosh. Seems like he wants to remain friends still. He sounds confused. I have been following up your story. Maybe I missed parts however. We have all been there my dear. We will all get u through this, the wonderful ladies on here. Sounds like an exhausting night. Get some rest now and take care of yourself. Its hard for both of u as you both have been crying. Oh gosh. Hugs to u my dear.

  179.  #179Indigo on April 1, 2013 at 10:46 pm


    You are doing really well. Perhaps it would help to know that this is not in your power to change?

    You are doing the right thing and because you still love him, moving on in your heart will not come straight away. But maybe every time you think of him, or hope, or have nostalgic thoughts, gently turn your attention away from him. This has helped me. To gently turn my thoughts away, like steering a ship, each time my thoughts go to wishing things were different with D.

  180.  #180Zia on April 1, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Libelula: Thank you for your words, I feel lighter already. I’ll do exactly what you say.

    Will be sure to post an update after. I feel so grateful to have this community to share with ๐Ÿ™‚

  181.  #181seahorse on April 1, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    I also wanted to say thank you ladies for the being real, opening up my heart, letting it hang out there post. I was feeling insecure for awhile about putting it out there. Today I was at the park with my dog. After our walk I was going to sit down and journal for awhile. A homeless lady was watching me and came walking over to me. I felt like ‘oh no, I’m going to have to talk to her’. I flipped that thought and let my heart open. Letting all the bad words that ex used to tell me about people talking to me flow off and into the ground. Her name is Vickie and she is 55. Very sweet and told me her story. Most fantastic story ever! Her mother was a queen and lived the hill over there and she was the princess. There is an evil bad king who has a daughter over on the other hill and they dont like her to be around their castle………. It went on and on and I felt so blessed(?) to have been given that story. I took her to get some sandwiches and we gave each other the best warmest hug. It feels so naked and warm and shiny. I hope to see her again. Blessings to Vickie

  182.  #182MovingMagic on April 1, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    ((nme))Hugs. We can never know what will come our way in life. Please use this time to love yourself & fill yourself up with magical deliciousness.

  183.  #183Libelula on April 1, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    Thank you, Indigo. I’ll try to steer my thoughts gently away. You’re right – I love him and have to go through this missing him. It’s not in my power to change.

  184.  #184k2012 on April 1, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Something is strange is happening to me right now. Reading about Nme’s breakup and how very sad it is brought be back to last year July when I experienced mine and I actually started crying. I found this strange. I hope I am not regressing. I couldn’t believe it. I think it has to do with me being lonely as well. I am stunned. I know it is the story that triggered the tears. Has this ever happened to any of you? I am okay though.

  185.  #185Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 12:42 am

    K2012 the tears are cleansing out some deeper residual hurt. For me, I wonder if I am callous. I feel so unmoved by the male crying, I have seen this where I pulled away and he was begging and crying. Then he moved on easily, I didn’t. I believe it can be a quick in the moment thing with guys. Especially when they are the one who pulled away

  186.  #186Scarlet on April 2, 2013 at 2:28 am

    Hi Sirens
    I would love some support with a change that I have made.
    I told the man that has gone back to his drugs that I was walking away from the roller coaster of hope and disappointment and heartbreak. Every time I have done this he has called and I have run back. But this last Saturday he text (repeatedly) to meet me and I said no (repeatedly. I thought there is no point in meeting him unless he is telling me something completely different – like he has been to rehab and he’s trying to change his life. But, boy change is uncomfortable. Now I’m thinking I’ll probably never hear from him again because I have changed the rules. I said in a very loving way that it would not feel good to me when I want a relationship, not just a catch up. It felt like the right thing to do. But now I feel scared and sad.

  187.  #187Memulo on April 2, 2013 at 3:39 am

    FW #184, I agree. Nme, I would do no contact.

  188.  #188Linda G on April 2, 2013 at 3:49 am

    Scarlet, you have done the right thing. That life is an unending nightmare of drama, insecurity and ups and downs. He can only climb out of that alone, you have to save yourself.
    I know it is hard to “talk tough” to someone you have feelings for, but unless he can turn his life around purposefully, this is a dead end.
    I am sorry if I am blunt. I have been there as have countless others. Say to yourself, “is this what I want my life to be?”

  189.  #189Memulo on April 2, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I still feel like a loser that I was even so ‘reasonable’ and accepting x months later when I said on a date ‘I was with someone but it didn’t work out’. Didn’t work out?? He lyed overlapped me with a better girl and disappeared. I could say anything else without sounding bitter and I still said words that gave away my feelings for him!!

  190.  #190Vi on April 2, 2013 at 5:10 am

    Hi Scarlet! Woohoo brave girl!!

  191.  #191Memulo on April 2, 2013 at 5:28 am

    One thing for sure is that if I don’t perform at work again today, my career is in jeopardy. In my field you don’t get many chances for being a mediocre performer.

  192.  #192Vi on April 2, 2013 at 5:31 am

    Scarlet I feel a little confused because you’re asking to support you, and I am going to say that it’s your post that was supporting – at list it felt so to me.. ) .. I just feel so inspired and delighted when Sirens choose to trust their boundaries.. It is a reminder to myself that very very soon fear becomes just a feeling, and joy for standing up for your safety and the true self is 1000 bigger than any fear… (I’m a goddess in progress and even though I don’t feel fear he’ll leave me anymore, though there was time when I felt that intensely, I’ve got tons of other fears and I feel needy and hungry for such reminders and inspiration hehe).. so thank you for sharing!

  193.  #193Zia on April 2, 2013 at 5:34 am

    Hi Sirens! So here’s my update: it feels good to have no expectations, it feels terrifying to be open and let my guard down and it feels weird to talk in feeling messages (definitely need more practise in that). overall though, it felt good to get out and go on a date.

    i made an effort to listen at level 2 and found it to be really difficult at times!!! but i feel ok considering it was my first first date in a very long time, and i am pretty sure my first first date where no alcohol was involved. (i always used to down a couple before going out on a date to calm nerves and feel confident)

  194.  #194IamHis on April 2, 2013 at 5:46 am


  195.  #195BeLoved on April 2, 2013 at 5:55 am



    Reading your post, I feel so much compassion.
    My newborn baby died when I was 17, I was alone at home and panicked and everything happened very quickly.
    For 24 years, I turned myself inside out, called myself every name in the book, beat myself up mercilessly, dated abusive men, got myself into abusive situations…I cannot tell you the untold pain I caused myself and the ways I punished myself.

    And in the end…none of the punishing, the pain, the abuse I heaped on myself and invited others to heap on me,
    none of it brought him back.
    None of it changed what happened.
    None of it made me a better person.
    None of it brought me the love that I so desperately craved and needed.
    None of it helped me identify and correct the errors in thinking and beliefs that led to it happening.

    My desire for you would be to show yourself some love and kindness and compassion and see how innocent you are.

    My heart goes out to you.

  196.  #196BeLoved on April 2, 2013 at 5:57 am


    “I want to tell him the way he feels and what he went through as a child is not his fault. ”

    Maybe this is what you need for yourself right now?

  197.  #197Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Hi Scarlet. Scared of what? I believe you are taking good care of yourself. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is the best way to get a man to respect you. Without boundaries a man “cannot” commit. An addicted man cannot commit. It is always possible for him to choose his addiction over you. Those are absolutes but a Goddess does not need a fixer-upper.

  198.  #198Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 6:01 am

    Yayy Zia

  199.  #199Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 6:03 am

    Also Scarlet ask yourself “do I want my kids to be just like him”?

  200.  #200Dominique on April 2, 2013 at 6:04 am

    nme – 171 – A man driving force is his mission, i.e. career, and a woman’s is relationship. It’s not that relationship isn’t important to a man or career to a woman. It’s that these are the first and foremost forces which allow them to grow and thrive.

    Without career or some sort of mission, a man shrivels and dies inside.


  201.  #201Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 6:15 am

    FindingDee – you seem to have a lot of feelings in that post but it is not clear what you need to respond to. Maybe you could practice scripting exactly what you want to say?

    I got the sense that you might have a better career than this guy and so might be judging him? All those things he seems to be doing is very masculine and chivalrous. I am wondering if you have a problem receiving? So many men I have met do those things. It might be something he has learned from past experience or something about you is triggering his masculine protector instincts. Those are some qualities that make me feel cherished.

  202.  #202k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Thanks for responding FW. I feel okay now. Men move on faster for true,(well sometimes) crying or not. I said sometimes cause as I was typing this, I know at least 2 men who didn’t move on so quickly at all. It took them a couple of years. The guy I was interacting with online before Disappearing ex, who I knew before, was divorced earlier on in 2011 when I reconnected with him. He told me that he was separated for 3 years but based on his pronouncements and actions, he definitely was not ready for a relationship. So he split 3 years before but apart from saying he was not ready for a relationship or he wasn’t good at relationships, he said other things that clearly demonstrated that he WAS NOT READY. He wasn’t healed at all, so I guess in some cases, men take a while to heal. I know another guy, a friend of one of my sisters, who took about 3 years too to heal from a broken relationship. Would u ladies say that in most cases men move on faster? What are your experiences of men who you know?

  203.  #203Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 6:46 am

    K2012 – I believe it is when the woman initiates the breakup that makes a lot of difference.

  204.  #204Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 6:47 am

    I know of a guy who got engaged before his divorce was final in September last year. He was married by December and his kids learned of the new marriage through email and FB. He was miserable in the first marriage though it seemed he really wanted to be married.

  205.  #205Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 6:55 am

    FW: 202 – I totally agree.

    (((((nme))))) I’m so sorry…this will get better…

    Much Love,

  206.  #206k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Wow, u sure is not the same person I know too FW. Lol. I know of a guy who got engaged before his divorce was final too. He got married in December but it wasn’t last year. The ink was hardly dry on the divorce papers before he got married. In fact he got married the same month his divorce was final. Can u imagine! So u are the saying if the woman initiates the breakup, they take longer to move on or what? What are u saying. In this guys case, it was the woman who initiated the breakup, he was begging for a while and then afterward plunged into something new and then in a flash he was engaged. I believe it was a rebound relationship, but it seems like it is working out, don’t know.

  207.  #207seahorse on April 2, 2013 at 7:22 am

    185 Femininewoman

    May I ask if you want to cry?

  208.  #208Heart on April 2, 2013 at 7:44 am

    happy new year blog! lol

  209.  #209seahorse on April 2, 2013 at 7:45 am

    My ex moved in with his affair. As far as I can tell it was physically going on for about a year. The emotional part for a year before that. I am glad he has someone else to focus on. They have been living together for almost two years. Now, I need for him to sign the papers, so I can ride really truly free

  210.  #210Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 7:46 am

    No seahorse

    “Surrender to faith in yourself. Surrender to the impossibility of knowing whatโ€™s around every corner. Surrender, not to longing, but to the pleasurable possibilities of whatโ€™s around the corner. Surrender to this idea: Romance is wonderful, love is not painful, and shoes can look good and feel good too. Stilettos are overrated.

    Here is the Meditation and the Intention:

    I intend to turn toward love, affection, attention, cherishing, and away from the idea that any one person holds that for me. I intend to turn toward feeling good and away from feeling bad. I intend to turn toward my future and away from my past. Toward pleasure and away from pain.

    Toward happy movies and away from tragedies. To whoeverโ€™s laughing and away from whoeverโ€™s moody. I intend to allow myself to be pulled forward. I intend to step forward. I intend to use my gifts, show my heart, and never give up. I intend to live as if I believe that the mountain, the beach, the lake, all my dreams are real.

    Love, Rori”

  211.  #211Heart on April 2, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Love, affection, cherishing FW?
    One person Can hold all of for You…
    Guess who that person is…hehe

  212.  #212Heart on April 2, 2013 at 7:54 am

    “Visualize a box in your head labeled โ€œExpectations.โ€ Whenever you start dwelling on how things should be or should have been, mentally shelve the thoughts in this box”

    Found on the internet.

  213.  #213Heart on April 2, 2013 at 7:57 am

    NME – well you got a response & a heartfelt one too.

  214.  #214seahorse on April 2, 2013 at 8:03 am

    That was a big one FW. I feel strangely naked and it is open and really really huge. I don’t exactly know what that means but i like it. Thank you. That is going in my nightstand journal. thank you for for that

  215.  #215Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 8:06 am

    nme- How are you doing today? I have been thinking about you. I think that no contact is good. I *know* you dont want to hear that – but he will not get himself together if he has you as a friend on the side.

    Your job is NOT to fix him. That is his job. Do not overmanage or row this boat to the shore of committment – it wont work.

    Let him fix himself, and if you are at a place that is open at the time he is done (which could be weeks or months, etc.) then it will be SOOOO much better.

    Look at Mercedes and what she did with her guy….ask her about it – she did awesome, and look at what she has now because she was willing to risk it.

    Even my guy said he was in a “funk” last fall. I left him completely alone. Unfortunately we work close so I did see him because our offices are near each other, but I rarely texted him back and when I did it was short and to the point, nothing flowery, etc.

    It worked.

  216.  #216Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Elsie: I totally agree with your comment 214! I straight up told J I could not be his friend. I told him that I can’t be friends with a man I have such strong feelings for. I asked him to delete my contact information and I purposely avoided every single location I thought he even might be at. I lived near him but I wanted my lease to end so I could move far away from him. Living near him meant we generally would go to the same grocery store, etc. I found a new one. Farther away, yes but certainly one where I wouldn’t have to see him.

    And…I set out on dates to find a man who WAS ready. Hearing that the reason I can’t be with a man who has such strong feelings for me and cries when we break up because “he’s not that kind of man” (yes nme…I had the same experience with J…tears and all) wasn’t cool. I wanted a man who could GET ready…very quickly. J also said something along the lines of my children. I quickly informed him that he KNEW I had children from the very first time he asked me out. If he couldn’t handle being with a mother then he needed to stop asking out mothers.

    nme….I’m sure M’s feelings and emotions are real (as were J’s) but sometimes I think a man needs a kick in the a$$ before he realizes that no matter how much he cries and no matter how sorry he is about not being ready and no matter how much he wants us to stick around as his friend…well…he’s got to take responsibility for his own healing and he can’t count on the fact that we’ll always be there waiting for whenever he needs a friend.

    M said he doesn’t want to miss you. In my opinion, you should force him to see what that feels like. If he truly can’t handle life without you, he’ll get “ready” very quickly for a real relationship with commitment and your children. If he can’t handle missing you, he won’t…he’ll claim you.

    But…from my experience, if you keep him in your life as a friend, nothing will change and you’ll probably end up back together for a short amount of time until he discovers he isn’t ready again and a pattern will repeat. Elsie is right (I believe)…he can’t work on himself (or won’t) if you’re around.

    And I wasn’t going to say ANY of that and then Elsie mentioned me and I realized I had sooooo much to say because I was right there with the tears and the breakup and the “I’ll miss you” and the “It was wonderful” and the “I’ll always want you in my life” and the “We’ll always be friends no matter what” and the “I’ll cherish the memories forever” and all that. And it was heartbreaking. And we got back together BEFORE he did any work on himself because we missed the friendship so much. And nothing had changed. And he cheated on me. And then things exploded and we wasted almost a full year of what could have been the two of us in love.

    I’m not saying any of this will happen to you. I’m just saying your story is bringing out those memories of my life and my relationship.

    Much Love,

  217.  #217sha-sha on April 2, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Hola ladies ๐Ÿ™‚ hope everyones week has started off good xoxox

  218.  #218Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 8:36 am

    โ€œIโ€™ll always want you in my lifeโ€

    โ€œWeโ€™ll always be friends no matter whatโ€

    โ€œIโ€™ll cherish the memories foreverโ€

    These are unconscious vows/agreements/beliefs that keep us chained to the past and create past relationship attachments and create inner blocks to intimacy.

  219.  #219Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Slow. Clap. While. Nodding. Head. for Mercedes.

    I have so much respect for you Mercedes you have no idea. I hope that I can make the hard decisions if I ever need to just like you did. Not only because they are the right ones, but because they come from a place of knowing that no matter what…..MY emotional well being…and MY needs are valuable and important and need to be honored.

    Seriously – you have to be one of the coolest people I’ve never met. ๐Ÿ™‚

    NME – you WILL be ok. This too shall pass. I truly believe that what Mercedes is saying is right. If you stay friends with him, he will never get his house in order. And you know….the reality is that might be too hard for him, and he will date someone “easier” that will be less work for him to have to do on himself….and you know what, thats too bad for him. But he can NEVER do the work on himself if you are right there as his friend holding his hand. I promise you that. He will have no incentive to do it.

    This is a gift you are giving him. You walking away is a gift, for him to get his house in order. Give him the time and the space to do that, and you may be very pleasantly surprised. Or you may find someone else who is ready right now that you love even more. ๐Ÿ™‚

  220.  #220Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 8:45 am

    The best thing you can do and it has to be for YOU, not thinking that something will “work”…is to cut him off completely. No contact. Period. If he decides that he wants to work things out or realizes he was wrong, he will find a way to let you know but for now, no contact. Staying in contact and remaining “friends” ( and I use that term lightly) usually ends up keeping a girl tied to the pain of the break up and can toss you in to a FWB situation faster than you know what happened. No way!!

    Yep, the most self-respecting thing a woman can do is no contact and start shifting the focus to where it belongs…herself.

  221.  #221Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 8:47 am

    FW: 217 – EXACTLY and it almost destroyed me. I don’t think I could have ever *really* moved on with that stuff in the air. The second time I moved on…yeah…there was none of that *friend* stuff. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Elsie: Thank you. It was sooooo sooooo hard! I cried for DAYS and was pretty sure I was going to die from a broken heart (yes…I had a lot of anger but the pain was there too…a lot of it…should have bought stock in moisturizing kleenex…). But ultimately it was knowing what I wanted and deserved. It was this: “no matter whatโ€ฆ..MY emotional well beingโ€ฆand MY needs are valuable and important and need to be honored.”

    But it wasn’t really cool. Had you knocked on my door you would NOT have seen cool. You would have seen a tear streaked, snot covered, red swollen eyes hot MESS! But only for a couple of days. I went from there to “fake it til you make it” and eventually I made it. ๐Ÿ™‚ WHEW!

    Much Love,

  222.  #222Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 8:49 am

    LilyBelly: 219 – That is my experience with it too. It’s easier said than done but it is exactly what my intuition combined with experience tells me too.

    Much Love,

  223.  #223JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Hello Rori& ladies
    I’ve heard about this blog from a friend and I’m here to learn and grow along with the rest of you ๐Ÿ™‚
    I’ve known my guy (I will call him Cj) for over a year and we been in committed relationship since october. we met off a dating site. And after about 7months we got engaged . We both have are own apartments and 5 days out of the week I stay at his place. We planned on moving in together when my lease us up on my place. Anyways everything was great I thought until this past week I’ve been getting inbox messages from random women these women were copy&pasting there convo’ with Cj and sending them to Me.. he was asking for phone#s naked pics and other sexual things. And when these women asked about me he would call me his friend or internet stalker. Both are profiles said engaged and had pics of us together. When I. Confronted him about this he flipped out and we got into a fight . At first he said he didn’t do it. But I had plenty of proof . I think he was mad he got caught out. I took my stuff and moved out of his place and went home. I cried and cried I was so heartbroken because I was so in love with him and he made me look like a fool. I deletd my account on the site. And then my anger got the best of me and I told him to F**K off. Idk what to do he has been blowing Up my phone with calls and texts. I dnt feel like he loves me or has ever loved me.. he says he dnt want it to be over and he deleted his acccount … ok u deleted one account and opened one onto a different site!!! Rori plssss help me should I just give up on this guy and stay in bed cry my eyes out and grief the lost of this relationship and move on……. I’m so confused because I invested all my heart and feeling emotions body soul I invested everything into him. I also read one of your books my friend had about feeling messages and it works so well so I know your the best coach out there plss help Me

  224.  #224Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Better that way than to drag the dead sticking carcass of a relationship with you everywhere you go.

  225.  #225Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 8:51 am


    Exactly… it isn’t easy and nobody is saying it is…But it is necessary.

  226.  #226Mel on April 2, 2013 at 8:56 am


    Hugs to you… it’s not easy. But I echo what the ladies are saying to you here today. Just put 100% of your focus on YOU.

    For the first while that focus might just be honoring your sadness, sinking into it, and allowing yourself the time to be a blubbering mess.

    But those feelings will morph… I promise. And soon your self-focus will turn into doing absolutely everything possible to create a happy and fulfilling life for yourself. And that, my friend is when EVERYTHING changes. ๐Ÿ™‚

  227.  #227Heart on April 2, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I wanna feel your body rock โ™ฌ

  228.  #228Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 8:56 am

    @220 Mercedes – I think we have ALL been that “hot mess” at times (me more than I care to admit….) LOL… I love how raw and open you are with your story and your journey. And I love how much you RESPECT and care for yourself. Its something I am trying to imitate. And trust me – there are many days that I fake it until I make it. ๐Ÿ™‚ I jsut seriously love your story – go write a book on it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  229.  #229Mel on April 2, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Hi Lilybelly! Love ya! ๐Ÿ™‚

  230.  #230ALA on April 2, 2013 at 8:59 am

    (((((((((( Sirens ))))))))))

  231.  #231Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 9:06 am


    (((((((((Mel))))))))) Love you too!!!


  232.  #232Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 9:07 am


    …and morph those feelings will.. Don’t you think it’s amazing when you look at the you that you are now, Mel? I know I am amazed at the me that I am now.

    Hard work but so worth it.

  233.  #233Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 9:09 am

    LOL! Elsie – I’ve thought about the book. haha! It could include so much more than what is here…I’ve been a mess many times in my life!!

    I’m raw and open because I really, really want to inspire people (specifically women and young girls). I tell my story because I want them to see that you can overcome a lot of pain and still be strong and confident and worthy and amazing and any other descriptive word you want to give yourself.

    Unfortunately, some women have used my story to justify taking crumbs from a man who cheated because it “worked for Mercedes” (yup…actually have received emails like that…). What they don’t understand (or want to believe) is that I didn’t take crumbs and in most situations I don’t even think a woman should take a man back after he has cheated. The only exception to this would be when the man does a LOT of internal work on himself, without a woman and PROVES (doesn’t just *say*) that he is different. That can be a hard thing to know for sure so there is some intuition that has to be used.

    In any case, that’s part two of my story. The cheating and whether or not to take a man back is second to the most important piece. The most important piece is that I learned to put myself and my own happiness FIRST and I learned that I was the only one who could do that and I learned that I am worth EVERYTHING. Once I grasped that, my life started falling into place.

    I want every single person on the planet to know that they are worth EVERYTHING and that the person you end up with should believe that too!

    I believe I am worth it all. I believe that J is worth it all. If we both continue to feel that way about each other, I believe our bond will only strengthen.

    Much Love,

  234.  #234Mel on April 2, 2013 at 9:14 am

    “Donโ€™t you think itโ€™s amazing when you look at the you that you are now, Mel?”

    Absolutely, Lil! I am also amazed at your journey and feel tickled whenever I hear about all the wonderful things going on with you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s funny… an acquaintance I had dinner with this weekend said “Things really do fall-into place….if you let them.”

    That feels so true for me. I had spent so much of my life resisting things, scared to lose control.

    But I have found that the more I just let go and move with the flow, the more IN control my life feels. Just as though it’s playing out before me in a daydream. ๐Ÿ™‚

  235.  #235Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Ladies your “bragging” happy stories is making me think of Laughing Goddess and Jilly.

  236.  #236Mel on April 2, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Ooooooh, FW! Love ya too! ๐Ÿ™‚

  237.  #237Rori Raye on April 2, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Jo-jo, welcome, and I have no answer for you you don’t already know. Either he cheats and lies, or he’s been set up and he’s true blue. You certainly know the truth better than I – and what kind of man do you want? What do you deserve? Love has nothing to do with this. Love, Rori

  238.  #238Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 9:37 am

    @Jo-Jo – I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he was upset he got caught. Feel lucky because you probably dodged a bullet here. Imagine if you had married him….whew. Ok – so at this point, he is blowing up your phone – if you FEEL like talking to him – then talk to him. But he has had time to come up with some really good excuses, and lies, etc.

    If you want to talk to him go ahead, and see what he says…..but I would brace myself for impact on that one….

    At this point you should be proud of yourself that you did what was hard and took care of yourself and left.

    You can see what he has to say and then make the decision that is best for YOU.

  239.  #239Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Jo-jo: Does he admit he was doing it or is he still denying it?

    Much Love,

  240.  #240Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Hi Jo-jo. It struck me as odd that all of a sudden all these women are contacting you. Unfortunately, women are prone to jealousy. My humble opinion is that I would go back to my gut feeling. Review your interactions with him, from as early as you can remember. See if your inner voice might have been telling you something. See if there were any red flags in the first 2 dates that you might have glossed over. I would take it from there if I were you. I would also listen to what he has to say, knowing that words don’t mean as much to men as they do to women.

  241.  #241Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 9:49 am

    FW: “It struck me as odd that all of a sudden all these women are contacting you. ” – Me too. That’s why I’m curious if he admitted it. If he admitted it then she could consider herself lucky that someone told her about it before she moved in with him. If he’s denying it then I think a lot more focus has to go into who she really believes this man is regardless of those emails…

    Much Love,

  242.  #242Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 9:50 am

    I don’t think I could ever get back together with someone who cheated on me.

    But I’m glad that it all worked out for you Mercedes! I’m sure it wasnt easy to go through that…ughhh!

  243.  #243Daria on April 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I believe my heart’s vision for the world becomes my mans driving mission … Leading me to what I want

    My spirit union

  244.  #244JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Thanks.! He is only admitting it now because he got caught out and elise I think your right about him having time to make up more lies and stories. When I first confronted him he lied and denied until I throw the printed out convo’s on the bed. And all he is saying is he doesn’t know why he did it. I also asked him what and how it makes him feel? Is it the fantasy of it. I’m not judging you I just want to understand it. I also asked him if I wasn’t fulfilling any of his needs and if so he should have come to me and talked about it. I always thought we had good communication and now I’m feeling like maybe he is just mad he got caught. I just don’t want to get reeled back in and it happens again. I love him so much but I feel so embrassed and pretty much a fool.

  245.  #245nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I am listening and taking everything everyone is saying in…I just can’t talk today. I need to just deal…..I’ll be back around soon. I just wanted you all to know I hear you. Thank you.

  246.  #246Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 10:01 am

    LL: Trust me…I didn’t think I ever could either. I resisted it for a very long time. Even after that it was hard as I was insecure and scared a lot. He did everything in his power to gain my trust again and he did eventually gain it back but it was a LONG time. I never imagined we would actually end up back together and I never believed I would be able to trust him. He worked very, very hard to change all that and today, I trust him completely. In the past, I would lay awake all night in fear while he was out of town on business or if I had a business trip. Today, I just miss him and we talk on the phone til late at night and we send each other kisses and hugs.

    I do trust him but…wow…it wasn’t easy on either of us to get to this place. It’s been 8 years since all of that though so I have put it behind me and I can talk about it. For a long time, I was just 1. scared it would happen again and 2. Embarrassed that I was the kind of woman who would let it happen again. Now I’m just 1. Confident it won’t. 2. Sure of our love, devotion and commitment to each other. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Much Love,

  247.  #247JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 10:03 am

    thanks ladies I’m gonna do what you guys say and go as far back as I can and see if I can find the redflags. I know I found it weird that these women contacted me. I know two of them were freshly divorced and said that I looked like a sweet women and she felt the need to tell me what was going on.

  248.  #248Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Jo-jo: “And all he is saying is he doesnโ€™t know why he did it.” – Then in my opinion, he’s not ready for you. If he hasn’t even looked inside himself to know why he did it and what he needs to ensure he’s not that kind of man then he’s nowhere NEAR ready for a real relationship. I’d move on. When he figures out what he’s doing and why then he’ll be able to START the process of healing. Until then, he’ll do it again.

    Much Love,

  249.  #249Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Awhhh that is very sweet, Mercedes!

    So happy for you!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  250.  #250Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 10:08 am

    JoJo I’m sorry to say this but your guy sounds like a big fat ZERO. Your first instincts to move out and move on were right on I believe. If you stay involved with him, he’s going to continue to put you through hell because you’re implicitly giving him permission to do this. He doesn’t deserve one more moment of your time IMHO.

  251.  #251Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 10:10 am

    “heโ€™s going to continue to put you through hell because youโ€™re implicitly giving him permission to do this. ” – Yup! I agree LL!!!

    And we get the treatment we accept…

    Much Love,

  252.  #252JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Thanks mercedes. I really appericate your help. Its going to be hard to let go but I know its the best thing for me to do. I will just have to cry until I have no tears left. I’m going to stay with this blog you ladies all seem to be awesome I’m going to order some of rori’s programs and work on myself to be a better women then I am. And I’m not a women that likes to be lied to or cheated on. Your right mercedes he has a lot of work to fix himself first if he can’t dig deep inside himself and know why he felt the need to be with these women then he doesn’t have what it takes to be ready for a marriage. I’m crying as I write this now and I’m thinking about all the goodtimes. I just can’t do it I don’t want to be that fool or the chick that has a serial cheating lieing husband. Elise your right I did dodge a big bullet. Ladies thanks so much for your help.Omg it hurts so Much but I know I have to let go! I never been so in love in my life so this one is hard for me my past relationships were easy to end all them except one was left on a bad note. Thiis guy actually broke my damn heart ๐Ÿ™

  253.  #253JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Thanks liquidlight
    Your right he is a zero!!! I needed this harash truth to open my eyes. My heart tells me to stay and my mind is saying run like hell
    Why does it take so long for your heart to catch up with your mind

  254.  #254Dominique on April 2, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Jo-jo – you are not the fool here, he is. listen to your heart; what is it telling you? whatever pain you feel now WILL pass. it always does.


  255.  #255Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Jojo, I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel worse. I just think it so disgusting that a man would treat a woman, (esp his fiance omg!!!) in such a disrespectful way and then expect to get away with it. So so sad. Hopefully he will learn his lesson the hard way and not repeat this type of behavior.

    Yes, cry your eyes out and realize you are lucky to have dodged a bullet. I’m so sorry! God, it makes me SO MAD!!! ARGHHH!!!

  256.  #256Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Jo-jo: Dominique is a fantastic coach as well and comes recommended by Rori too. She is amazing at teaching a deep level of understanding of ourselves and our bodies while finding out what’s going on and changing patterns that no longer serve us. Dominique helped me through a tough period of insecurity (which you will probably begin to experience very soon here if you haven’t already).

    She’s a great coach and personal friend of both Rori’s and mine. I think she can help you a lot too.

    Much Love,

  257.  #257Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 10:31 am


    and mine too. ๐Ÿ™‚

  258.  #258JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 10:55 am

    My heart is telling me to stay and fix things and my mind is screaming at me telling me to leave him and run far heart is reminding me of all the goodtimes…..
    Ladies uur not making me feel worse I value all ur advice and comments. Its real a eye opener because I’m sure someone out there has gone through same thing

  259.  #259JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 10:55 am

    I just signed up to dominquie page thanks for the link

  260.  #260Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 10:58 am

    All emotions come down to either love or fear. So if you find yourself unable to let go of a bad feeling relationship, you are in fear. Not love.

  261.  #261Lilybelly on April 2, 2013 at 10:58 am are not alone in this experience, not by a long shot.

    That is not to minimize what you are experiencing but to let you know that you are simply not alone. I would not communicate with him right now and spend this time taking care of me, reading everything you can on this blog and Dominques. There is a wealth of advice and information to be found.



  262.  #262Dominique on April 2, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Jo-jo – 258 – It isn’t your job to fix things. It’s your job to allow anything which feels good into your being. It’s your job to focus on yourself, healing yourself, filling yourself up, filling your life with people you love and who love to be with you, activities which bring some passion into your life. It’s your job to be patient and gentle with yourself at all times. It’s your job to learn how to be the most authentic YOU possible, vulnerable and real.


  263.  #263Heart on April 2, 2013 at 11:10 am

    great article Dominique.

  264.  #264Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 11:21 am

    His character will determine how he reacts or responds to lifeโ€™s challenges. And in a relationship, that can either make you very very happy or quite miserable. Think about this for a moment: what if you two got married and he suddenly got laid off from his nice comfy job? His character will determine how he deals with this situation. Does he immediately start putting his resume together and looking for a new and better job? Or does he start a pity-party and invite you to come along as he sits around on the couch all day, complaining about the unfairness of it all?

    Watch how he treats others… does he treat waiters and flight attendants and janitors and mailman (and women) with kindness and respect? Or is he rude and demanding and disrespectful? This tells you a lot about him. You donโ€™t have to ask him about his character. You can just observe how he lives his life.

    How does he talk about his ex-wife? His mother? His old girlfriend? Your girlfriends? Well known women? Youโ€™ll learn a lot about his character when it comes to truly respecting women. Nobody is perfect, but don’t make excuses for him, either.

    And now hereโ€™s where the rubber meets the road….in order to attract the One, you must BE the One. Do not ask of your soulmate what you yourself do not have! Become a woman of character, keep your word, say what you mean and mean what you say, and show yourself respect and self love. This will make you super attractive to a great man, a man of quality and character.

    Dr. Lara Fernandez and Johnny Fernandez

  265.  #265Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 11:28 am

    “My heart is telling me to stay and fix things and my mind is screaming at me telling me to leave him and run far away.” – I was going to say something but Dominique beat me to it. HE has to fix things and those things have to be within himself. You can’t fix this. You can only focus on YOU.

    Much Love,

  266.  #266Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Jo Jo – Honestly people want to always paint another person as evil or good. I think the truth is always somewhere in the middle. This guy is not the devil. He is not evil incarnate. He is just a guy who probably really really liked you – and things started to get away from him – and he got swept up in something he wasnt ready for and was simply too scared to tell you that he wasnt ready because he KNEW this would happen – and that he would lose you. He is childlike – he wants his cake and to eat it too. He doesnt know how to have a deep intimate relationship with only one person. He is afraid of giving all of that to one person. He is distracting himself with all of these other women so that he doesnt have to deal with the emotional intmacy that is…

    So let him go. Maybe he will see the error of his ways, and maybe sometime someday after a lot of hard work on his part you can take him back like Mercedes. But I wouldnt count on it. Mercedes’ story is not the norm. Many guys who fear emotional intimacy with one woman dont want to do the hard work to get over that.

    Cry and cry and cry some more…..and then you will feel better.

    Oh…..and dont let those “good memories” distract you. When things are good we hear negative voices, and when things are bad, we want to remember the good times. Our heads are good at tricking us….

  267.  #267Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Let go of the past.

    It’s easy to dwell on the past, especially when the future is so unknown!

    Looking to the past can feel safeโ€ฆ we know what has happened and we know what we could do to change thingsโ€ฆ if only we had the chance.

    The truth is, though, that you never will have the chance to change the past.

    Not unless scientists finally invent a time machine. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Your past has served its purpose – it’s brought you to the place you are today and made you the person you are now. And who you are right now is absolutely perfect.

    Be grateful for your experiences, but know that NOW is all you have. So do your best to enjoy each moment. Give yourself the gift of being present!

    To your everlasting happiness,

    Mind Movies

  268.  #268Daria on April 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm

    According to the Planned parenthood man-nurse my pregnancy test result was NeGative.



    I still think I have something, not sure if a minor bacteria or fungus or One of the big STD’s…

    But I feel actually way relieved already !

    So I’m so ready to treat myself


    Yay I know how to gently heal myself from all this !

    Thank you Daria!

    I will not be spirit snatched fake condom on sayin pregnancy wantin my don’t wants ignoring violator violated !

    Ha !

    I win

    Thank you bothy…

    Teary eyes

  269.  #269k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    209- Seahorse. Saw your response. U are the one who left him? U seem ok though. That’s great. Have u started dating yet?

  270.  #270Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    I like these last posts, FW, good reminders!

    Regarding the last one, I struggle with feeling emotions vs. moving past them and trying “enjoy each moment”. How do you strike the right balance? I mean there are many teachings, including Rori’s of course, that say to really FEEL your emotions. So it doesn’t seem like its a good thing to repress emotions either.


  271.  #271JO-jo on April 2, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Thanks everyone for your comments and advice!
    I’m going to write him a goodbye letter and get all my feelings and emotions out there on the table. I’m going to take your advice and work on me and work on what’s most important. I’m not going to allow bad behavior this truely hurt me and broke my heart. I’m happy it happen now and not long time when were married. I’m not going to beat myself up I’m going to stay strong and worry about me and my feelings. I did nothing wrong here and I’m not going to let him turn this into something I did. I’m going to stay here with you ladies and read and learn as much as I can off this blog you all are very smart warm welcoming ladies and I really do appericate your help. I just woke up from a nap my head hurt from crying so much but it feeels good in a way I need to get all the crying out of me and sooner or later I will eventually recovery stronger and happier from this! I love you all and you have no idea how much your words and advice helped me xoxoxo (((hugs)))

  272.  #272Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    (((((((((((((((( DARIA ))))))))))))))))

  273.  #273Daria on April 2, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Liquid light – emotions:

    Try riffing like this – it should help build up the enjoyment of actually Feeling the emotions, rather than wanting to run past them to enjoy more desired feelings – :

    Write or say:

    ‘I feel :sensation -ex: tight under my skull’

    ‘ And I love that feeling! ‘

    ‘And that feels’

    Pause abd now imagine ‘loving’ the sensation and then notice next most noticeable sensation.

    ‘like :sensation – sinking diaphragm’

    ‘and I love my sinking diaphragm’

    ‘and that feels …’

    This is Rori Riffing and it really feels soothing even when I feel heartbroken and ill

    In a way it’s the depth of her teachings…

  274.  #274Daria on April 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    ((((((((((Liquid Light)))))))))


    Yay yay yay happy dancing Goddess smily

  275.  #275Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Thanks Daria!

    Wow, Jojo, you are a strong woman! You are doing the right thing but its not easy! You go, girl, just know that you are inspiring a lot of sirens!!!

    Go easy on yourself…you WILL make it through this, and you WILL find someone better…and so will I (than my ex)! ๐Ÿ™‚

  276.  #276k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    “Iโ€™m just saying your story is bringing out those memories of my life and my relationship.” Mercedes. That’s exactly what was happen ing to me last night when I read Nme’s story about her breakup. Brought back memories of my breakup and I actually started to cry. Mercedes I don’t know if u have been told this before but u sound like a coach. I am TRULY INSPIRED by your story. Reallyu really inspiring. I note that you had to take some TOUGH decisions and it got you backl the man u truly loved. We really shouldn’t take crumbs from men, ladies. As someone else said above, we get the treatment we accept. Mercedes, I will use your experience as a valuable lesson. Jo-Jo, hugs to u my dear. This blog will truly help you to recover. You have gotten excellent advice from the ladies on here and we will all get u and Nme through these bterrible experiences. It must really be a shock for u. Keep strong my dear.

  277.  #277Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    Thank you K2012…that really means a lot to me and made me smile.

    You are absolutely right on target with this: “We really shouldnโ€™t take crumbs from men, ladies.” – And it’s why I sometimes speak out so passionately. Crumbs shouldn’t be taken by anyone or from anyone and I get a little (*little* heehee) passionate sometimes when I see or hear about “less than” treatment…from men or women. I go into “defend them at all costs” mode and it’s not always delivered very nicely.

    I appreciate your comments honey….very, very sweet of you. Thank you!

    Much Love,

  278.  #278nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    It doesn’t feel real….to break up when both people still want to be together doesn’t feel real…or right. I’m not sitting here moping, I think I’ve about run out of tears. I almost just feel numb. My nose may bleed if I blow it again lol, and I look like I was punched in both eyes, they are so swollen. I know I will be fine….no matter what. I know my happiness doesn’t stand in M….but it doesn’t feel right. But at least my floors got scrubbed on my hands and knees and rugs got cleaned…..tackbathrooms next? I think so.

    On a bright note…got two calls for jobs this week. There is a plus….

  279.  #279Emerson on April 2, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    266 I like this

  280.  #280k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    “reading everything you can on this blog and Dominques. There is a wealth of advice and information to be found.” 261-lillybell. This is so true and it has really helped many of us tremendously. Jo-Jo and Nme read all of the newsletters u get. They are extremely helpful and will certainly get you through this terrible time in your life. Trust me, follow the advice on here. It is truly inspiring. U know something ladies, I was just reflecting how different people take different times to heal. It doesn’t matter if the relationship was 2 months or 4 months or 1 year or 22 years. Everyone heals on their own time. A close relative of mine suffered a breakup of her marriage some years ago. It is clear to me from the things that she says that she has not healed. A friend of my sister’s too suffered a breakup some years ago and she has not yet healed either.

  281.  #281Emerson on April 2, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    277 (((NME)))

  282.  #282Mercedes on April 2, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    nme…I’m so, so sorry you are hurting.

    You gave your heart to this man very, very quickly. Might I suggest you hold it in your own love for a while? It needs YOUR tender loving care before it can be trusted to another man (or even this man). It feels so fragile and delicate right now…I will encourage you to love yourself without allowing a man to touch your heart until you’ve been able to strengthen it.

    Take some time to grieve this and I hope, when you feel better and step back and look, you will see that letting someone else have this much control over your happiness so early in a relationship is not healthy for you.

    Big hugs from me for rapid healing and happiness…

    Much Love,

  283.  #283Emerson on April 2, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    I need to join some meetup groups … Been busy with family visiting and work so I have not made time for myself. I’d like to have a day to myself … A luxury right now! I feel heavy and stressed from family politics…I have that “run away” feeling….

  284.  #284nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    My heart is my own for a ling while. I have no desire to let anyone in…to be in any relationship. I wasn’t even looking for this when I met M….it just happened. I can’t de relationship without giving it everything, otherwise what’s the point in doing it at all. I’m over it. It takes to much out of me…I don’t like feeling like this and being upset, I don’t like my kids to ask why I’m sad…..I’d rather be alone. But it does hurt if I let myself think on it. So I won’t.

  285.  #285Emerson on April 2, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    I intend to track my cycle as I know there is such a connection to my mood dips and my cycle… I got some vitamins I’ve been taking so hope it helps…

  286.  #286nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    On Sunday night I contacted a “friend” he literally is that….he is someone I met shortly after my ex left and although we didn’t have a relationship connection we had hot chemistry. So when either of us weren’t with someone else we’d be w each other. It was easy no strings. Well I realize now I was just soooo angry at M and I really am not ready to be w JF. I do feel bad though, like I lead him on. I’ve never done that to him before and now he keeps texting me. Maybe I should spend time w him….I know my heart isn’t in jeopardy of being hurt and its a really feel good distraction. It seems wrong though. I KNOW I’m not w M but it still feels wrong. Hope nobody judges me about this. I don’t have a problem w having JF as my friend like that I just think my timing is off.

  287.  #287T-Girl on April 2, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Hey Lillybelly!! Things still going good for you?

  288.  #288T-Girl on April 2, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    I wonder how Laughing Goddess is doing.

  289.  #289nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    As soon as I hit post I wanted to take it back. I feel like it diminishes what I had with M to even consider being w someone else, even if my heart isn’t in it. I want to be with M in every way….sexually, emotionally……this really sucks. REALLY.

  290.  #290Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Nme I would say that JF could be good for your soul. If you are talking about a fling or casual sex I would discourage that. You don’t want to temporarily numb out the pain. You want to heal and any man you invite in your sphere is only to help you with that. Anything else might be an invitation to prey on your vulnerability.

  291.  #291Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Something I read – when your heart breaks it breaks open to hold more love.

  292.  #292nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    FM_ it is just sex w JF. That’s all it ever is w him. I have no shame in admitting I am a very sexual woman, I’m not w M (although I’m sure I could be that way. I don’t want that w him, I feel to deep) so I’m wondering is it wrong to dull the pain w someone that is on the same page as me? It feels wrong. Just cause its so soon.

  293.  #293Scarlet on April 2, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Thanks Linda G for your support. And Vi thank you for making me look at it from a different angle. That uplifted me.

    FW thanks to you too. You asked an interesting question about whether I wanted my kids to be like him. I already have adult kids and one of them is exactly like him and was even before I met my man. What does that say about who I attract (tolerate) in my life?

  294.  #294nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    FW_#290 I love this!

  295.  #295nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    I’d like other feedback on what I put out there…but as a general question. Not pertaining to me and my sittion right now. In general do you think it is ok to have a sex friend, for lack of better term? I have had that w JF for 1 1/2 years. Just minus the time I was with JW and M. I don’t have any expectations w him nor he w me. We just really enjoy sex w each other.

  296.  #296Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    @nme why not? if you both enjoy it and don’t have any expectations, then personally I would say go for it. The key is to be sure that you don’t have expectations. I think this is challenging for a lot of women.

  297.  #297nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    LL_ there is NO expectations with JF. Never has been. Now I definitely couldn’t have sex with M without expectations. To much feelings there. No feelings with JF.

  298.  #298Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    That’s awesome! I’m a little surprised that neither one of you has expectations. it seems like usually one person does…are you sure that he doesn’t? not that it makes a difference…just wondering…

  299.  #299Vi on April 2, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I don’t think I would be able to really get what she’s talking about in pre-Rory 2010.. :

  300.  #300Vi on April 2, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    I notice tension in my shoulders and neck and I’m questioning the truth of my own ‘vulnerability’.. I feel so much strategy behind it…

  301.  #301Vi on April 2, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    hehe.. โ€œIf you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment.โ€ Brenรฉ Brown, from that video…

  302.  #302Zia on April 2, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    sending big love to everyone who is hurting right now xoxoxo

  303.  #303Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    I really wasn’t asking because I think you are doing anything wrong at all! I was just curious…but if he does have expectations then he’s responsible for himself, you know. And I’m sure he can take care of himself and is enjoying it too! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  304.  #304nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    LL_ oh I didn’t assume you meant anything by asking. Honestly I don’t know why it works with us and no expectations. It just is…when I got with M in the beginning JFtt me and I told him I now had a bf, he sent a sad face but wished me well….he would text prob once a month and I’d say “still happy!” … I don’t think he has any expectations but like you said, if he does that’s on him. He knows where I stan

  305.  #305Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    I just accepted a date for a hike on Sunday. Part of me believes that he asked me out on a hike because he is cheap or poor. My ex was so generous and spent money on me without batting an eye…I’m really wondering how I will ever find someone who is like that, and has all the great qualities that he had, but not the bad ones, and is even better! That seems so unlikely. Its hard for me to let go of the fact that he treated me like a queen and spent lots of $ on me. I liked that alot! Sigh.

  306.  #306Femininewoman on April 2, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    nme for some men, it would be a message about how much you value yourself. A man who would seriously consider you his forever woman might think twice if he knew you had a sex friend. I believe when you fill that space with someone, the space is blocked to others. More importantly are the thoughts you have towards yourself and what you say to yourself when you think about the situation. It could be that you unconsciously judge or disapprove of your actions.

  307.  #307nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    FW_ I don’t think anything is wrong with having sex with one person all the time and not wanting a relationship with them if your both ok with it . And honestly it’s both a double standard and not my future man’s business who I’ve been with prior to him. I like sex and would rather have one friend I indulge with then multiple people . I do know others feel differently about this that is why I’m careful about sharing but it’s not an issue for me. I’m not sleeping around, that would make me feel bad about myself.

  308.  #308k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Hey Mercedes, saw your response. Hey ladies, how is everyone doing this evening? I am okay now. Just feel a bit sleepy. I am off from work until next week. I am relieved although I still have work to do. Of course I have personal business to do which takes up a lot of time, but that’s how it is.

  309.  #309Zia on April 2, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    I’m realising that what I feel is afraid of loving myself first. Why is it so difficult?

  310.  #310Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Hi all….

    @Vi – wow….I just heard of Brene Brown, and now you are quoting her. I literally JUST heard of her today …. must be fate that I look into her. ๐Ÿ™‚

    @nme – I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I think that another man can be just the distraciton you need. I’m not sure if you should jump to sex, but having another man around interested in you might help you. Where did you leave it with your guy? Are you going to talk again? Did you tell him no contact? I’m not sure, but I’m not sure I read how it finally ended.

  311.  #311k2012 on April 2, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Nme, a touchy topic there- FWB/casual sex. To each is own. While I am against this FOR MYSELF, if you feel you can handle this Nme, then its totally up to u. I think what is important is that you are BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE. Any relationship u are bin whether it is a serious relationship or FWB/Casual sex, the important thing is that u are both on the same page. Nme, do u think one of u expectations might change, resulting in one of u wanting something more serious? I don’t want to judge anyone. Everyone is different. I know I couldn’t handle a FWB at all. From my first relationship at 16 years old, if its not a serious relationship, I am outta there. If I ever try to fool myself thinking I can handle a FWB, as soon as I realize I want something deeper and the man can’t or refuse to give it to me, I am gone. Next thing I start falling in love with him and he is on a different page from me. No sah! Nme, are u sure u can handle this at this time. Cause u are hurting so much. Oh dear.

  312.  #312nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Elsie_ it was just the conversation I posted about….I mean he can’t commit to the next step and says I deserve someone who can. He wants me in his life and communicate…I told him unlike last time (the circumstances are different) I don’t mind staying in contact. Although I’m starting to lean towards what you ladies are saying about that. During our talk he kept saying he was F’d up and broken and all that…which may he true but i told him when he kept saying he was WTO.g that its not about right and wrong….its just not the time for us or for him….I’m not mad st him. I hurt for him, and us. I miss him so much already….but I’m not mad. He did say we fan still hang but I told him I would not initiate it because he’s rebuffed me so much recently and its hurt….so that’s on him. I did make it clear that I will not have sex with him if we are not committed to each other, that it would hurt to much because of my feelings for him. He agreed….although he says he misses that too (of course). I don’t know Elsie…as I said earlier, it doesn’t feel real. But I know in my head it is… heart is gonna catch up soon though and I know I’ll have a melt down day.

  313.  #313ALA on April 2, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    I’m feeling unsettled. Sunday I was so emotional and sad. My sister talked me outta contacting D. And ever since it’s like I have taken two steps back, one step forward in my healing. Feels like coming in and out of consciousness when the pain creeps in, and then I can feel ok for a while. It comes and goes. I dunno…

    Thought maybe I was feeling overwhelmed with the blog. My heart goes out to all of you going thru breakups and struggling, and I feel compassion deeply for each of you.

    Today is Emmylou Harris’ birthday. Been listening to all Emmylou all day at work. There’s something more to her, for me, then just a C&W singer. She takes me to places of utter heartbreak, feminine strength, hope, empowerment… very cathartic singing along. It helps me feel centered in my feminine core and also not so alone with my feelings. It works for me! This one has special meanings to me:

    Tulsa Queen

    “… she’s come a long, long way, gotta longer way to go” … kinda sireny.;)

    Anyways, I rambling. PhDcd sounds really nice on the phone. Not at all intimidating, maybe even humble…? Guess I’ll find out on friday. ๐Ÿ˜€

  314.  #314ALA on April 2, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Oh, I saw these elsewhere last night… kinda cute:

    F E A R


    Run… hahaha (nooooooo!)

    Ready ~ Neal Walsh

  315.  #315nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    K2012_ I know with JF we are on the same page. We wouldn’t really say FWB only because we really aren’t friends, like we don’t hang out or chat on the phone. It is just sex. I don’t spend the night and neither does he. I don’t know why it works for us. I have no romantic feelings for him at all….as for should I jump back into this with him NOW? I don’t know, I think I am definitely trying to distract myself and not deal….stick my head in the sand? I know myself well enough to know I don’t want to deal with the pain inside. And I know this is wrong….but in a general sense I’m just saying I don’t think it is wrong to have a FWB as you put it lol.

    Even posting right now I feel a lump forming in my chest and working its way up….sick in my stomach. I don’t want to recognise the pain.

  316.  #316Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    nme – just a question – why is this FWB only a FWB? Why dont you like him on any other level – just curious?

  317.  #317nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    Hmmm I’m not sure…I mean from a physical stand point he is very attractive but not tall enough. But that’s a preference not deal breaker….almost though. When we first started talking we both were looking for more, but when we hung out there was no spark. I thought it was just done….we had become friends on fb though prior to that and he would like my pics and all and some how we started to Skype and text but it turned sexual. One day we acted on it and the sex was amazing. And that’s what it became and stayed. Not sure the why’s.

  318.  #318Liquid Light on April 2, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Part of me is relieved that its just a hiking date on Sunday…I don’t really want to go out on a “real” dinner date. I’m not ready for that…Maybe I just am looking for friendship right now? He’s actually pretty interesting though — smart, reads and does some very cool abstract photography…totally surprised because I met him very arbitrarily in a bar!

  319.  #319Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    nme – have you ever stopped to consider what he would be like as something more than that? Have you ever considered having a discussion with him about it – maybe he wants more? He just has been afraid to talk to you about it? Just an idea…

  320.  #320nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    Elsie_ I’m not sure….he is a fun guy and I know he is really close with his family and all. I just haven’t thought of that…..and honestly don’t really want to now. I have no desire to have feelings enter into anything with anyone. I kiss M so much I feel like I’m in pain tonight. I just wanna cry. Holding it off because I have an interview tomorrow morning and don’t wanna look crazy lol. But I really just wanna bask in it…dwell on it. Just scared if I do I won’t pull out for awhile. I can’t afford that.

  321.  #321nme008 on April 2, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Just got into bed and am being flooded with memories with M…..what do you do with all them?

  322.  #322Luzydel on April 2, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    Oh Oh! a feeling! a big one! One that I have been ignoring for ever! I need to get to it this time, but it scares me a lot! I do not want to confront this feeling; I will call it the big monster in the closet feeling.

    I have to face it it is so heavy and I have to see it; the feeling is trying to reach me and I just run like crazy and push people away in the meantime… I feel fear, I feel so much fear of being hurt, that I hurt myself (does it make sense?). I feel like running away from captainCD. I dunno if this is gut feeling or just fear…

    Why do I always think people are against me? Then I start making things in my mind and believe them and self sabotage everything.

    Ok big ‘monster feeling’, you are mine I own you, you don’t own me. You can come out of the closet, it is safe to be you; there is nothing wrong with being you feeling. Please run through my body, leave my chest and run through my belly, my pelvis, my legs, my hands… run through my face and through my eyes to let old tears go free. It is ok “big monster fear” I own you, you don’t own me… It is safe, so come out of the closet.

    Deep breath!

  323.  #323Elsie on April 2, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    nme – the memories are the worst…sigh – you just remember the awesome great times. I know…I’m so sorry……

    Those memories are real. They happened. Just because they are the future does not mean they were not your past. And they meant something. They were meant to happen. And teach you something. Cherish them and keep them like photographs. You can look at them and enjoy them, but they are not now….and not your future……

    try to get some rest….. ๐Ÿ™‚

  324.  #324Luzydel on April 2, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    It doesn’t matter what happens, I don’t know and I cannot control what is outside of me e.g. men and how they will treat me. I take chances and they may work out or not, I got ME if everything else fails.

  325.  #325Indigo on April 2, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I am hurting at the moment.

    I am very sick of this.

    I am very sick of saying it because then *someone* hears me and eventually they are like, sheesh, I really can’t handle you saying that any more.

    What I posted earlier, about finding a knight, what I really want is someone as authentic as I am. So many people feel fake and judgmental to me (I’m not judging them by saying that, when I say fake, I mean they feel so way out of touch with anything truthful, authentic and real) and I just want someone I can *be* with, safely. Even a friend. It feels like this inauthenticity is a barrier which keeps me from a lot of other people.

    I feel like this slow, gentle pain is slowly spreading all over me. I miss with D something I haven’t had in so long, something I only saw glimpses of before. I miss something that is not even really there at the moment.

  326.  #326Indigo on April 2, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    It’s like a dull ache in my heart, that I can’t explain and can’t escape. It feels like a sadness I wear like a cloak that I can neither heal, nor get rid of.

    I feel like I don’t know what I should feel, or who I should be, or like anyone sees me at all.

    I better take make-up along with me to my therapy session this morning, as I’m going to work afterwards, and I’m pretty sure mascara is going to be streaked all over my face by the end of it.

    Why does nothing make sense.

  327.  #327Indigo on April 2, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    I wonder if this sadness even belongs to me? I am sorry, Sirens, about the downer this morning.

  328.  #328Tereana on April 2, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    Indigo – sadness can belong to you. But it doesn’t have to own you ; )

    I enjoyed Rori’s post, btw! It was very eloquently written…and I love the idea of our hearts as “conductors.” the heart has the strongest electromagnetic field in the body! Second is the brain, then the hands…but the hands are connected to the heart : )

  329.  #329Tereana on April 2, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I’ve come up with a series of questions to ask myself about any endeavor I might want to start, and which I might feel some blocks around:

    What if it were easy?
    What if it were available?
    What if it were possible?

    Today’s “it” – getting my book proposal finished!!!!

    And a bonus question: What if it were fun??

  330.  #330Tereana on April 2, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    I just made a post, and it didn’t post : ( oh well..,

    Here’s a new one.

    Dancing cd is turning out to be quite a nice guy. And by “nice” I mean that he is a decent person – very considerate of me and my feelings. Today, he set up a date with me IN THE MORNING, a) because otherwise, my schedule is so busy, he wouldn’t see me until next week, and b) (the best part) because he knows I’m a morning person. Even though he ISN’T. He took me out to breakfast (my favorite!!) and then we kissed more and made out.

    I feel proud of myself. Because before we went further, I stopped and asked him what he was thinking about our dating. And I said not to give him any pressure, I just felt curious. I think he felt my curiosity, and didn’t get scared.

    Neither of us feels that it is “serious” right now. It feels too soon to tell. And I didn’t tell him this, but I at least told myself that I am not cutting off “all my options” just yet. But I still let it go a step further in the physical area. It’s not supposed to mean anything. It’s just practice for me.

    Sex always brings up weird feelings for me. But I find him to be “non-threatening.” so being physical with him at least doesn’t feel scary.

    No expectations. I am learning about myself, taking care of myself, and learning about him (and others).

    It was a very good day today!

  331.  #331Emerson on April 2, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    Indigo, it’s ok, don’t have to be sorry.
    I hear what you’re saying.
    You are brave for expressing yourself.

    I tend to stuff my sadness and it suddenly pops up and feels overwhelming at times. It’s ok to feel it I’m still learning too….

  332.  #332Daria on April 2, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Lol I don’t feel bad sleeping around but I would judge myself for having a sex friend – Smh ! Just ! Realizing this !

    Omg no wonder I never have one (stable lover)

    Who wtf ?

    Sits back and cocls head

    Ahhh I can’t deal with it !

    I can’t deal a the overwhelming icky shame feelings

    I can’t have a lover!

    Oh no!

    I don’t even know I want one when it comes to these feelings!

    Omg this hit the nail on the head for me.

    Wow thank you … And I feel unsafe and angry and judgemental and so intrigued

  333.  #333Tereana on April 2, 2013 at 11:42 pm

    Oh yeah – did I mention he took the morning off work to spend time with me?? I said he didn’t have to do anything special for me, and he said “you are special.” ๐Ÿ™‚

  334.  #334Heart on April 3, 2013 at 2:41 am

    Indigo – If it was me…I would go sit somewhere and just feel the pain…Sometimes that dull spreading ache is worse that a piercing hurt because it is unearthed & makes me feel resigned & heavy…
    When I explore it I find that somewhere to the back (like so faf back I don’t even know it) of my mind…I’m telling myself aomething sad…or it could just be a naturally grieving.

    How long has it been since you heard from D?

    CudG hasn’t responded to me…I feel hmm…It’s been like 4 days.
    The guy from the gym has texted me a couple of times.

  335.  #335Heart on April 3, 2013 at 3:35 am

    Tereana – glad you had fun. He seems keen & caring …they all are in the beginning…hehe. Was that some bitterness seeping in there? Eek…lol

  336.  #336Indigo on April 3, 2013 at 4:14 am


    Thank you. You are more right than you know.

  337.  #337Indigo on April 3, 2013 at 4:16 am


    Thank you for the hugs – hug back! ((()))

    Thank you for saying that, if I am one thing, I am fearless with my emotions.

  338.  #338Indigo on April 3, 2013 at 4:20 am

    Hey Heart,

    Thank you x I had therapy this morning, and it helped a lot. The sadness about this is with me all the time, but my therapist helped to lift the feeling and make me feel much, much stronger and more focused about it.

    I hear from D every day.

    You are doing better than you realise, Heart. Gently steer your thoughts away from CudG, and in time the feeling will fade.

  339.  #339nme008 on April 3, 2013 at 4:27 am

    I let myself remember last night….and I curled in a ball and cried, and cried, and cried. I wrote a text to M but I didn’t send it. I wish I could say I’m proud of myself for that but that’s nott case. I want the contact. I miss him so much it hurts. I have an interview today and I just want to tell him….he was so close to being my best friend….I dont let a lot of people in….I just want to hug him and cry in his arms.

  340.  #340nme008 on April 3, 2013 at 4:33 am

    I can’t help but think if I acted differently and he didn’t feel expected to take the next step right now he wouldn’t have left…..I hurt so bad rout now.

  341.  #341Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 5:24 am

    I dunno Indigo. It is my humble opinion that the hearing from him everyday is prolonging the pain.

  342.  #342Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 5:27 am

    I don’t think it is bitterness seeping in Heart. It is awareness.

  343.  #343Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 5:40 am

    Daria maybe I don’t understand. I think of a lover as someone that a woman shares a lot more than her body with. What is a lover? The mere fact that it includes the word “love” makes it a whole lot more in my psyche

    A sex friend. When I think of that concept, I think of Eat, Pray, Love and the concept of having someone “scratch an itch”. For me it is all only physical and comes with a feeling of emptiness. I think of having sex as a sport and ask myself if this is the experience I want around sex? I wonder to myself if I did that if I could switch from that to deep meaningful connection if I so desire. I feel panicked thinking about this. It feels masculine. I have to admit to myself that I need the feeling of being cherished otherwise I might either scare myself away, or the man. But that’s just me…….

  344.  #344Heart on April 3, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Indigo – Well it is starting to fade…it’s still there…but it’s lessening…I think writing him helped accelerate the moving on process….Had I not done that I would find myself at odd moments Rehashing how he pulled away…but Now I don’t eve care….I wrote him & he’s not responding..The Writing is on the Wall….& it hurts but it feels like movement…
    Before…felt like stagnation.

  345.  #345Heart on April 3, 2013 at 5:50 am

    ps.I bought a new shade of lipstick & nailpolish….I feel good about that….
    Gymcd is texting me..I feel bored.

  346.  #346Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 5:56 am

    OK – so I am going to take him up on his offer.

    As many of you may know two weeks ago was VERY intense emotionally, physically, everything. Our relationship went to new level.

    So….before that happened, one of our conversations was that he doesnt really know what I want. He and I are completely opposites of each other on the Myers Briggs scale….and the reason that is important is that we are sort of the missing pieces of each other. That can be fantastic and it is what we are drawn to – but can also cause serious frustration and angst…..because the other person is so different.

    He had said that if I need something that I need to come to him with it. Also, I have thought about this…..for HIM, and for me, I think that what I’m asking for needs to be quantifiable, so we both know that he is trying.

    My problem is that I dont have as much contact with him as I want to. Now, he has texted me every day, but only maybe once a day, with one text. He did call on Easter, which FLOORED me, and was awesome.

    But because he has been sick, and now that one of my kiddos is sick….well, I havent seen him in a week.

    Thats really hard on me, because we do much better in person. We can talk and talk for hours (and do) in person. There is NEVER a moment, even after knowing him over a decade where we run out of things to say, or laugh about.

    But I miss that connection when I am not with him.

    So, at first I picked up my sword (Queens Code) and was angry. And then I thought about it – and thought – ok – this man is not trying to hurt me, in fact he went outside his comfort zone by calling me on Sunday. So, I will trust him. He has asked me to love him and trust him. He has said that he will WORK AS HARD AS HE CAN to NEVER hurt me.

    So I choose trust. At this point, I choose trust. He has never ever lied to me. Ever. Thats a HUGE thing to say after knowing someone over a decade.

    So, I need to find a way to let him know that I need more contact outside of work and outside of when I see him.

    I want it to be quantifiable, so that he knows he is meeting a goal (he is very practical) and then I can also look to it and see he is trying.

    For example, I DONT want to say – hey I want to feel like you call me more. “feel”? “more”? What does that really look like?

    So, I thought about it – and I want to have gmail chats with him and more texting, but I have NO IDEA HOW TO SAY THAT.

    I have thought of a lot of scripts and they all sound really needy and petty. LIke….I need you to text me for 30 min at night. (weird.) I need you to text me more than you do (needy.)

    Ugh. I just need help with a script. Can any of you help me? You guys are awesome and I need some siren spirit. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m not feeling bad about this. I’m just feeling a bit disconnected from him, and frankly, I miss him.

  347.  #347Heart on April 3, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Elsie – (((Hugs))) This man cares a lot for you. Chill out. You’re coming across as really needy. Just relax….lean back & focus on yourself. What is causing you to react so badly? Fear of abandonment? It’s just One week and somehow you’ve convinced yourself that You need this & that…
    In one week? I would explore why I need these things…
    FIND A new hobby now…Everytime you start to think about him just STOP. Turn around and do a crossword or something.

  348.  #348IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Today I feel so much regret, humiliation, embarrassment, and sadness.

    Just about how I’ve been the past year or more.

    Feels so difficult to love myself right now.

    Need compassion, love, forgiveness, and acceptance.

    I feel angry that I wasn’t “taught better.”

    or I feel angry because maybe I was, I just didn’t listen.

    I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
    I’m still figuring things out.

    I feel deceived.
    By myself and people in my life.

    I feel teary.

    Even just typing this feels humiliating.

    I’m so thankful for today.
    a fresh start.
    a chance to make things right and to be/do better.

    I just feel so shaky.

    and “making things right” feels so difficult; next to impossible.

    I feel like I’ve been behaving in a way that isn’t worthy of respect.

    and I feel respect starved.

    and love starved.

    and just…starved.

  349.  #349IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 6:20 am

    I feel so angry at myself and at the entire world. and I feel soooooooooooo sad. ๐Ÿ™

    I don’t even know what to do or where to begin…

    I just want out of my situation. out of this area, out of this country, out of this world.

    I want to “fix myself” completely and then, and only then do I ever want to come back.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:21 am

    It thought this was a great comment on another thread:-

    tabatha says:
    Hi Rori,

    Finally progress! I started your Targeting Mr. Right program a bit over a year ago. I was so excited about getting my power back and that I was going to meet the man of my dreams. I started dating many men none to whom I was attracted. Then I met a guy and fell for him and did a redo of a previous toxic relationship but used the tools and got out quickly. I still couldnโ€™t find that illusive self-esteem though! Or at least I thought so.
    I got sucked into the vortex of physical attraction and addicted to getting sexual attention off men. I found it hard to say no to them and of course, they moved on quickly after I was intimate with them. Then I decided I would not have sex with a man unless he was making a concerted effort with me. I turned down quite a few men for sex and weathered the loneliness.
    Then I became needy and started becoming physically intimate with men again straight away after meeting them. I felt rejected and used when I didnโ€™t hear from them again. I realised I wanted their validation.
    Now Iโ€™m happy to say, Iโ€™ve finally worked it out! I thought that I could only ever be a short-term option for men but more and more Iโ€™m seeing myself as a long-term, girl of menโ€™s dreams type. It took a lot of blows to my self-esteem before I could actually see the reality. Iโ€™m not sure why but this was just my way of finding the truth. I donโ€™t feel as desperate, or that I have to be sexy all the time, or rejected when men look past me. Now Iโ€™m only interested in the men who really SEE me and show interest and finding that more and more appealing.
    I donโ€™t even feel like I have to go on dating sites or out to pubs to find them. Iโ€™m very active and social and know that HE will find me if I just stay centred and composed and donโ€™t feel like Iโ€™m LOOKING all the time.
    Iโ€™m finally optimistic about someone falling for me, because Iโ€™m a great catch, rather than fearing being overlooked by someone I esteem to be great and out of my league. Iโ€™m the yummy pie!!!!

  351.  #351IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 6:27 am

    @350 FW – Thanks, that was encouraging to read. Feels like I’m in the middle of the

    “It took a lot of blows to my self-esteem before I could actually see the reality. Iโ€™m not sure why but this was just my way of finding the truth”


  352.  #352Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:27 am

    Couldn’t get past reading “two weeks ago was VERY intense emotionally, physically, everything”.

    It felt draining.

  353.  #353Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Elsie sorry to be harsh, please don’t read any further if you can’t handle directness.

    When I read it the words “emotional vampire” and “soul sucking girlfriend” came to mind. These are terms I have read in emails from other coaches. Male coaches. Maybe this man can handle it but it really feels like a deep bottomless abyss that someone can just keep free falling into.

    It just seems like you can never be full enough to be satisfied. Everyone needs space to get clear on their own thoughts and their own feelings.

  354.  #354nme008 on April 3, 2013 at 6:43 am

    FW_ please don’t read any further if you can’t handle directness…

    When I read your words I thing heartless, callous, rude, cold, unloving, bitter and many more things. You seem to lack any compassion and tack. I’m a very honest upfront person with both myself and friends but even I wouldn’t be as hurtful as you.

    Reading what you have written to me has made me want to leave this blog many of times and I have a thick skin. It’s cause its so nasty sometimes….and that’s not what people come here for.

    If you have a man in your life I wish him luck and if you don’t I’m unsure you will find him with the out look you have. You seem like you walk around with all these thoughts and FEEL NOTHING.

    (((Elsie))) I think your msn gave you the green light to tell him what you need, so do that. Only you know what will make you happy.

  355.  #355Zia on April 3, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Well, all it’s taken is one more false accusation and I’m out. Today I kept repeating “i intend to trust my boundaries” and “I intend to follow my feelings”

    Well, my boundaries stated that I will not tolerate being treated badly, and my feelings told me I was feeling bad.

    So, on I go on my horse, along my bridge etc. He can go off into his little dead ends, I’m not following. I have a speed dating evening lined up for Friday night and I’m looking forward to using it as practise to keep working on being comfortable around guys… and I’ve re-found some of the things I love doing for myself that I’m going to recommit to.

    Time to love *me*

  356.  #356Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:49 am

    nme Sorry you think and feel that way. All I can say is that you have me so wrong. I prefer not to help people adjust their blinders and play the ostrich game. Your experience of “nasty”, hence your filter I don’t know and can’t speak to. I practice speaking my truth but appreciate that not everyone can handle it. Trust me I have several men hovering, one recently told me he is crazy in love with me. I find men very accepting and open to hearing my truth. Maybe it is because I don’t pretend or act. I dunno. Maybe when we get to the age that I am it is easier not to be affected by what people think of us.

    Thanks for your feedback.

  357.  #357IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 6:50 am


    It doesn’t feel good on the blog right now.

    nme008, I know what you mean.

    Feminine Woman does come across as harsh sometimes.

    Sometimes, I feel like she’s “out to get me.”

    Nevertheless, I appreciate her.

    Sometimes I desperately need to “hear” what she has to “say.”

    Other times, some things she says feel very harsh and off base.

    But we can all be guilty of that, can’t we?

    ((((((Feminine Woman)))))

    Feels good to show compassion to everyone right now.

    I know I desperately need compassion at the moment…

  358.  #358Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Yayy you Zia. I see your shift happening and I am right there with ya. I love the Goddessy vibe you are giving off ๐Ÿ™‚

  359.  #359Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Iamhis – the way I see it when people as people shift with hurting due to relationship pain one of the first things that come up is anger. Anger at self, at the world, at the ex. The anger will come up and out.

  360.  #360IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:00 am

    I feel like there’s so much going on inside everyone on the blog right now, but I feel scared to “point it out.”

    Not even sure if I’m “right” about my suspicions or not, but I’ve been called “intuitive” and “clairvoyant” by a friend, and I’ve been told by this same friend that I “read too much into things.”

    I guess it depends on the situation.

    I just want to be at peace with myself, and to know what parts of my perceptions I can trust, and where I cross the line at “reading too much into things.”

    It would feel good to just to shut up and be.
    To mind my own business.

    but a lot of times, when I open up about what I think I perceive, people tell me they really appreciate it and are sometimes even amazed.

    but people also have their sensitivities and triggers, and there are lines that can definitely be crossed when attempting to “figure someone else out.”

    I just want to find the balance.

    I want peace, wisdom, compassion, and understanding.


  361.  #361IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:03 am

    @359 Feminine Woman – I think you’re absolutely right.

    Reminds me of the B1ble verse where it says, everyone should be slow to anger, slow to speak.

    Hardest concept to apply EVER it feels like sometimes, especially when I feel wronged, abandoned, disrespected or whatever.

    There’s also a B1ble verse that talks about not thinking too highly about oneself, and there are multiple verses about humility and serving others and showing honor to others…

    It’s tough stuff, but I believe it creates the most peace.

  362.  #362Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Yesterday I got an email from Bob Grant, the author of the book The Women that Men Adore. Included in the email was this link

    When I listened to it, the one thing that stood out to me was his experience of his wife before he even met her. Her “ability to be at ease”.

  363.  #363IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:18 am

    “I therefore, a prisoner for the L0rd, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:1-3

  364.  #364Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 7:23 am

    RE 360 – Iamhis I have been told the same things by a psychologist and by my daughter’s therapist. I would say practice speaking, not shutting up. It is in the practice that we get experience when we cross the line with people. They are likely to tell us. Mistakes are part of the process of life.

    I have friends for life who have withdrawn from me because of my directness. One told me she went and spoke to her grandmother about it, though the grandmother was on her deathbed. Weeks later she came back to let me know her grandmother told her that only a friend who loves her would be willing to be so honest with her.

    I am quite aware that not every one is able to handle me but I don’t take as a message to “dim my light”.

  365.  #365Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 7:25 am

    Offense will come.

  366.  #366MovingMagic on April 3, 2013 at 7:27 am

    This week my intention is to have faith. Faith in myself, my intuition, my love, my abilities & my faith in the universe & its ability to support & guide me. Ohhh wowwww, the deeper I go, the more I’m presented with. As more & more comes up I feel a deeper sense of healing & deeply rooted peace. It has stopped being about other people & situations for me. It is so much more about me, my perspective, attitude & core beliefs.

  367.  #367Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 7:33 am

    I have a friend (more like aquaintence) who needs to remember that her man got with her for a reason and is staying with her for a reason.

    “When you change and turn into someone else especially someone lacking in confidence, he can no longer see the woman he fell for.” is what I want to say to her but there’s a problem. She can’t see that she’s lacking in confidence. She can’t see that she’s showing him how insecure she is. She can’t even see that he might believe she doesn’t trust him.

    I don’t really know what to say to her. She’s not going to allow her man to go to his class reunion because she’s afraid he’ll see a girl he had sex with back then.

    This is NOT the woman he met. She’s needy and insecure and clinging to him and demanding of him and generally unhappy whenever they aren’t physically together because she’s so busy thinking about him all the time she has no other life. She texts him constantly and when she tries to hold back and stop all that she calls me and talks about him non stop until I have to go and then…yeah…she knows she’s been “leaning back” long enough and she sends a really, really needy text message to him.

    How do you get through to someone like that? How in the world can I convince her to get a life? How do I let her know that her laser focus on this man and this relationship is going to smother him until he runs away?

    I don’t even know what to say to her anymore. The sad part for me? She’ll say to me: “You and J just remind me so much of US. It’s like there’s another couple out there who “gets” it the way we do.” She sees nothing but happiness in her relationship and I see her losing him. I’ve actually heard him tell her “It’s okay. I was just talking to a friend for a minute at the bar. I was coming right back.” (trying to calm her down from a minor freak out when he took too long to get back with her drink and she couldn’t see him). She can’t even see that when you sit back and just look at her man…he doesn’t look happy at all. He looks stressed. ๐Ÿ™

    Ugh! I don’t know what to tell her. She can’s see what I see and she can’t hear what I hear. She’s frustrating to me.

    And I just needed to talk about it.

    Much Love,

  368.  #368Vi on April 3, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Elsie 310 well if it’s happened – it IS fate )..

    As for the scripts, in a situation like this I like to express myself with a simple ‘it felt weird..’ For example ‘I felt kinda out of contact for the last…, and it felt weird.. what do you think?’ That’s what I personally say, also trying to keep in mind Rory’s rule # 4 ‘learn to take no for an answer’…

    If there was smth. I feel happy about and keep coming back to it in my mind again and again, I’d surely share, ‘how beautiful and fantastic it felt when…’

  369.  #369Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 7:37 am

    FW: I am this way too…. “I am quite aware that not every one is able to handle me but I donโ€™t take as a message to โ€œdim my lightโ€.”

    (although I have at times dimmed that light for some people and always regret it…)

    Much Love,

  370.  #370Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Mercedes I have “been” that woman. Minus a few minor details.

  371.  #371IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:42 am


    Thankful that a “together” and wonderful person like you just needs to vent sometimes too! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    It’s actually really encouraging. ๐Ÿ™‚

  372.  #372Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 7:42 am

    FW: Maybe I have too and that’s why it’s so frustrating for me. I guess I’d really like to see these two make it. They seem right for each other but…how can it be “right” if she’s so insecure about it? It seems like “right” would be when they are so comfortable and happy with each other that there are no worries when apart. I don’t know…

    Much Love,

  373.  #373IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:44 am

    @372 Mercedes – That feels kind of scary for someone like me to read. Simply because, I am the type of person who tends to sway back and forth between insecure and secure.

    I’ll be secure for such a long time, but then something or a series of somethings completely throws me and it’s like I’m exposed, shaky, and exteremly needy once again.

    Want to heal this, and feel secure forever…

  374.  #374Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 7:45 am

    IamHis: Oh…I vent. lol Not always here because this is a relationship blog so my personal vents (ones that don’t pertain to relationships) tend to go elsewhere but yeah…I vent for sure! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  375.  #375Vi on April 3, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Awww.. I got flowers and I feel like I am resting on cloud 9 and the cloud holds me tenderly and moves slowly, and it also feels like the zoom out tool.

  376.  #376IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:54 am

    Just saw that you can pay in installments for Rori’s sale price on all her programs!!!

    Which means I can afford it by Friday!!!


    Thank you so much, Rori!!!

  377.  #377IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:56 am

    most excited about Targeting Mr. Right. Want to learn how to CD and avoid CHUMPS!

  378.  #378IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 7:59 am

    @367 Mercedes – I feel so curious about your friend, because I see myself in her.

    I feel like I turned into someone I’m not with Jack CD, and I turned into that someone the minute I started realizing I might actually really care about him.

    and I haven’t been “me” with him for an extremely long time.

    This isn’t the first time I’ve turned into someone else once I’ve started “caring.”

    Definitely something to heal…

  379.  #379IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 8:01 am

    It reminds me of Buddhism, and of Christianity actually.

    In Buddhism, we look to shed the ego that is trying to protect “who we really are” from harm.

    In Christianity, we look to put off “the old man and his ways” and put on “the new man.”

    Prayer helps me to shed my insecure, fearful self.

    all that’s left is my true identity. the person I love, and that everyone else loves too.

    I feel in such awe and curiousity.

    and hope.

    I want to be in my true identity forever…

  380.  #380Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 8:03 am

    IamHis: She makes me want to shake her! LOL!

    I think this same thing needs healed in lots of us. I just don’t know how to help her…

    Right now I feel like my only option is to sit back and wait and then help her pick up the pieces when it’s over.

    She is giving off a “crazy” vibe right now and I don’t know how to stop it. She’s NOT this person. I’ve known her for quite a while and I’ve never seen this side of her. But then…I’ve never really seen her in a relationship before either. Maybe it’s always like this???

    I’m happy you see a need for healing IamHis. I don’t think she does…

    Much Love,

  381.  #381Vi on April 3, 2013 at 8:10 am

    Elsie maybe it will be helpful.. I just remembered Rory’s advise to give up trying to recreate moments from the past even though they felt super sweet.. as it is like fixing on the past and it distracts our attention from the present and keeps us from even sweeter moments in the future..

    ps. YOU are the prize )

  382.  #382Izzy on April 3, 2013 at 8:13 am

    I got engaged last november.

    I don’t know what is going on, but I’m feeling disconnected and uninterested. This is so sad. I feel sad.

    He is a good guy, but the connection is not happening anymore.

    So, so sad. God, I feel so sad.

  383.  #383Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 8:28 am

    From CCarter email:-

    When a man starts to appear more interested in his friends than in you, a few things might be happening:

    1. He’s Just Taking Space

    This can actually be a very healthy thing. A man will often need to take some time to himself even when he’s crazy about a woman – and ESPECIALLY after a period of intense intimacy. It’s just what we do to recharge.

  384.  #384Indigo on April 3, 2013 at 8:34 am

    341 Feminine Woman

    You are right.

    My therapist is helping me get to the point where I am far more less mentally and emotionally plugged in than ever before. You have no idea how far I’ve come.

    These days I pull back as much as I can, but I can’t bring myself to cut off contact and my therapist says that is ok.

  385.  #385Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 8:36 am


    Men DON’T talk to build relationships…they talk in
    order to ACHIEVE something.

  386.  #386Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Indigo that is why I like the concept of babysteps and intentions. An intention could be to not take his call one day out of the week until you can build it up to two and so on. I believe that only as you imagine that you are able to do this will the opportunities be visible to your unconscious mind.

  387.  #387IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 9:12 am

    “Iโ€™m happy you see a need for healing IamHis. I donโ€™t think she doesโ€ฆ”

    I just feel frustrated that it seems to take my total and complete humiliation before I actually see it!!!!

    I feel laughter and forgiveness towards myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

    That feels really good. ๐Ÿ™‚

  388.  #388Rori Raye on April 3, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Izzy – There are many things you can do to reconnect – and after you’ve tried those things, and re-imagine your man in your mind and body – if he still doesn’t feel like the right lifepartner for you – then, yes, it’s sad, and yet, if you don’t feel you’d be happy in the long term with him…we hug you and wish you well moving on. Love, Rori

  389.  #389seahorse on April 3, 2013 at 10:16 am


    It feels like a roller coaster inside right now. All the beautiful voices. All the colors of “stuff” swirling around. And TRIGGERS galore just waiting to be healed inside me. Wooooo hooooo!!!!! I dont even know where to begin. Thank you feels really relaxing. So THANK YOU Sirens!!! When the heart breaks open, all the love that was held inside comes pouring out and shines for all to see and take part of, and the light never goes out. No more secrets. No more protecting. Just forever and forever. Me.

    Me. Scars, physical and otherwise. Hair growing back in. Fun. Big feet. Gloriously big beautiful feet!!! I love my feet!

    Turn around and see the all the doors that are open. Turn towards the shining light and be the light. Be Me! There’s only one, and thats enough. I love open.

    My first thought upon waking was………..get rready for it…………….. I love my dog!! and then smiles.

    It’s a good day

  390.  #390seahorse on April 3, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Jo Jo
    Please don’t hold back the crying or any feeling. Sink and feel. Honor them all. And breathe really deep in your lower tummy. It helped me then and helps now not to hold breath. Then just keep on reading Rori and get those tools memorized. The painting yourself with love is really beautiful. Naked in front of the mirror. That was the one that broke through for me. Blessings and healing thoughts for you, beautiful Jo Jo

  391.  #391seahorse on April 3, 2013 at 10:40 am

    I feel sad and proud and kinda angry. I feel a rushing up towards my head. then a voice saying breathe. lower belly ina nd out in and out relax. wait

    I feel acceptance that nme can feel like that when reading other people here. What workss for one doesn’t work for all. I write here now after so long reading because I appreciate when there is something being written here, Feminine Woman puts up a quote or says something perfect. Thank you Femimine Woman.
    Then Mercedes, then some other Siren. And they all speak to some part that makes a beautiful whole. Is that Siren Island’s voice. That we are bigger together than alone? Support, hands holding hands and reaching out. Let that that keep shining. Aren’t we just lovely?
    I’m skirting around Dominque. I feel like a wild animal. Untamed scared and now tears. I see the warm glow of a campfire and am trying to get closer. I love me fear. Shaking. Breathe little one its okay. Its crocodile under the couch and its me. It’s scary but i love it and shine the light of me on it. I am brave.

    When i read the words of her I have to go slow. It’s only in small portions. I feel proud when I go and read and then I feel angry that it takes so long to journal about. I love my fear. open open open breathe breathe breathe. I’m dizzy and i feel like walking now. Be back later. Tahnk you Dominque

  392.  #392Turquoise on April 3, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Hi Sirens. Just wanted to let you know that my mom passed away Sunday. After 10 days in intensive care, we removed life support. She never regained consciousness. It’s been extremely hard on my family, but we are getting through it. I just feel empty and exhausted as we prepare for the funeral. Hopefully it starts to lift soon, and live will continue on.

  393.  #393Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I appreciate FW too. We all have our triggers though.

    I know I can be harsh sometimes too. I am working on my communication style. One of my ex’s said I was “obnoxious”. Ugh. It’s hard to retrain yourself sometimes but I’m working on it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  394.  #394Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Mercedes – 367 – There really isn’t much you can say, and it’s really not your job. When things begin to spiral though, she will likely come to you. And you will have to be direct with her which you are very good at, lol.

    She will hear you, or she won’t.

    This is for her to figure out bottom line, HER lesson, and she will continue to receive this lesson until she gets it. Or not.


  395.  #395Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 11:06 am

    So sorry Turquoise!!!

    ((((((((((((((( Turquoise )))))))))))))

    PS: Your post is reminding me to be kind to and appreciate my own mother, something that I find hard to do at times. So Thank You for your post so much!

  396.  #396Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 11:09 am

    seahorse – 391 – Not sure what this means. It sounds healing, so good feeling?

    Feel free to ask questions anytime.


  397.  #397Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Much love to you Turquoise. <3


  398.  #398CurvySiren10 on April 3, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Oh Turquoise …so very sorry to hear this. I have been thinking/wondering about you. Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way.

  399.  #399Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Oh Turquoise. I am so so sorry

  400.  #400Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 11:19 am

    Liquid Light – I doubt you were obnoxious. We all at times have room to choose different words I know. Yet some men when they are at a loss for words or want to get out of a relationship they turn character assasination. I encourage you to shine a light on how that comment made you feel and try to release it. You don’t want to make an unconscious agreement with him on this. It could hold you back.

  401.  #401Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Liquid Light do you know about Body Dialogue?

  402.  #402Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 11:25 am

  403.  #403Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Well, I have a few things to say.

    I love this blog. I love that people can say whatever they want even if it may not be what someone wants to hear, it can be what the other person thinks they need to hear. I really do love this place.

    However, this is specifically directed at Feminine Woman. Since you were so direct with me, I will reciprocate with equal directness. I would like to believe that you want to help the people on here. I like to believe the best in people until I’m proven otherwise.

    That said, I feel you take liberty and specifically attempt to say things to people (others than me included) in a deliberate abrasive fashion. Then, you hide behind the “well, I’m just telling it like it is – take it or leave it.”

    Its not WHAT you are saying…..its HOW you are saying it.

    Mercedes is a wonderful example of this. She has said really challenging things to me, ones that were difficult to hear, but eventually made me grow. If you look, right now, she is trying to find a way to say something to a friend, to communicate something, and do it in a way that is heard and understood.

    Its compassionate to speak to people like that. However, I have found throughout the past months, that Feminine Woman – it feels as if you RELISH saying purposefully abrasive things and then sit back and feel somehow superior by saying…”well, if you cant handle it….” It smacks of insecurity frankly, that you have to feel a bit superior.

    That has always been my opinion of you, and so what you said actually didnt really bother me. But I thought I would address it this time, since you so directly exhibited this behavior.

    In my response to “this little light of mine….I’m going to let it shine….” I guess this is my little light shining too ๐Ÿ™‚

    Perhaps you could just step back and see that your words are actually usually very insightful. I”m not sure why you feel a need to cloak good advice in a vernacular that appears to be deliberately caustic.

    And for the response to your opinion – you are right – I am very emotionally vulnerable after being very hurt for a decade. That is where my insecurity stems from. It is the REASON I am here, to learn how to overcome it – instead of being berated that I am insecure – hey, thanks I already knew that part. ๐Ÿ™‚

  404.  #404Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:36 am

    LOL – I just realized that I havent actually SEEN him in a week and had very few contacts in the last week. In fact, I believe there were a couple of people on the board a couple of days ago that were enthusiastically telling me that they admire my ability to “lean back” and not ever call first (I’ve never called first or texted first, or asked for a date, or gone over to even see him at work first….)

    Wow….I guess if thats a “soul-sucking girlfriend” then wow…..

  405.  #405Emerson on April 3, 2013 at 11:38 am


  406.  #406Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:43 am

    @Heart – Thank you for your repsonse – you are of course, right. Its only a week. I think I need that reassurance because of the devastation that was left in the wake of my divorce. Its absolutely my problem and not his. ๐Ÿ™‚

    @nme – Thank you for your words. It was very sweet. Thank you for “defending” me (I dont know if that was the right word.) But I promise, I am TRULY NOT OFFENDED by FeminineWoman’s words. I dont even know her in real life – its sort of inconsequential to me if she says abrasive words to me. It sounds as if she has lost friends in real life over her need to be like that – so I hope she can perhaps work on that for herself. ๐Ÿ™‚

    @Mercedes – How horrible that you see that happening to a friend of yours. Could you gently take her aside and explain what you see? If she is a good friend, perhaps she will see how concerned you are and how what you are saying is out of love….

    @Vi – wonderful – thank you for your words. I appreciate it -and am going to incorporate them. ๐Ÿ™‚

  407.  #407Emerson on April 3, 2013 at 11:43 am

    I feel like I’ve been “fake” with exoticCD not being upfront about what bothers me…
    Also I did express feeling akward with dating and it’s hard to know what people’s intentions or expectations are…

    And now I feel that maybe I don’t fit in that category of feeling at ease…

    I have dreadful thoughts of being alone and living I poverty and I feel like my family would not even care…

    Feeling dark clouds and a huge block….

  408.  #408Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 11:43 am


  409.  #409Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:45 am

    @Feminine Woman – I hope that you hear/read what I”m saying the way it is meant.

    You JUST wrote: Yet some men when they are at a loss for words or want to get out of a relationship they turn character assasination.

    I think perhaps you see this because it is your way? It is the way YOU handle things that you do not like or are at a loss of gentler words? I do believe that calling someone a vampire, or a soul-sucking girlfriend, would qualify?

    Just something for you to think about….I find it VERY interesting that you just wrote about character assassination … its just interesting to me.

    Perhaps I”m off base, but I thought it was pretty poignant, and perhaps you dont see that you do that. :

  410.  #410Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Thank you Beloved, your words really helped. I am so, so sorry about your loss.

  411.  #411ALA on April 3, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Turquoise, thanks for letting us know. Sending Love…

    I feel like I to totally ‘get’ FW. Appreciate very much what she has to say, along with Dominique, Mercedes, Daria and many others.

    I unblocked D as an experiment. I feel scared, yet emotionally ready (curious?) what he may or may not do. I’m good either way, I think. I feel curious to see how much growth I’ve done. If I can really handle it, all the triggers I get from him.

    The blog feels very therapeutic to me.

  412.  #412Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 11:51 am

    #403 Elsie, this is interesting, because I never experience FW in this way. I may disagree with her, but it’s only a matter of opinions. Maybe it’s something about personal style. I feel that FW provides a different point of view at times and I don’t need it expressed ‘extra nicely’ so to speak. Though I don’t find FW to be harsh at all. Perhaps laconic in a way, but I am that way too.

  413.  #413Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 11:55 am

    Elsie – it feels as if you RELISH saying purposefully abrasive things and then sit back and feel somehow superior by sayingโ€ฆโ€well, if you cant handle itโ€ฆ.โ€ It smacks of insecurity frankly.

    I truly have to look inside to see what my insecurities might be. Thanks for saying this.

    Saying purposefully abrasive things – hhhmm maybe. But I can say it is not intentional. Maybe it is the best that I can do. Maybe doing my best. The comments were actually words I received in an email and was meant to point out what other people experience. It just goes to show how my filter work. I read it somewhere and had forgotten about it until I started reading your comments and they just kinda popped out of nowhere.

    since you so directly exhibited this behavior – again to me this arguable, in my humble opinion, as only my words are being read through the filter of some past experience. My belief is that my words triggered a memory of someone else’s behavior. I will not try to convince you though.

    Iโ€m not sure why you feel a need to cloak good advice in a vernacular that appears to be deliberately caustic – this is great shining of a light of what might be true. However “emotional vampire and soul-sucking girlfriend” is not my venacular. I was repeating something. The bottomless abyss were the words that came to me to express my experience when I was reading.

    I admit that I have accepted that my words can be abrasive and that it has been one of my challenges to change about myself. It was my preferred choice to defend myself when I was younger. Maybe it is the reason why my brain find caustic words so appealing to bring it to the forefront without conscious summoning.

    Elsie I actually felt a bit comforted and accepting of your words. Really weird. It seems, when I think about it, that I should be righteously indignant but it is like I want to hear you.


  414.  #414Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:56 am

    @Memulo – I dont think I”m asking for “extra nicely” LOL. And I think FW is saying herself that she has lost friends over it. And frankly other people on the board have said the same thing I have said.

    I dont mind, because its the way she is. But I’m just saying that if you want your point to come across, oftentimes how you say something is as important as what you say – IN FACT, I think that is a whole lot of what Rori Raye talks about – its not just what you say – but when and how you say it.

    I just find it I guess ironic…..that FW has said she has lost friends over it, and is on a website where the author of the website is encouraging us to think about what we say, and our feelings, and how to express those in the healthiest way, and then FW just throws all that out the window and says, well, I’m going to say whatever I want to say however I want to say it. Its just ironic because I think it goes against what we are all trying to do and learn here…LOL…my two cents.

  415.  #415Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 11:59 am

    @FW – Awesome! That is totally how I meant it ๐Ÿ™‚

    I usually look at life with a smirk on my face. I honestly was not upset at what you said about me. In fact, I actually thought a lot about it and thought about if you were right – because heck, maybe I am emotionally draining to people – I am sure that I am. So that is good stuff to think about.

    I’m glad you took it the way I meant it. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I’m glad you could see what I was saying back…..

    I meant what I said. I think your voice on here is very very insightful, and at times I have gotten a lot of useful advice from you even when you are talking to other poeple.

    I will still always listen to what you have to say – even if it is abrasive LOL – because I can sort of “tell” how you are – and frankly, this is the internet….how can you take anything personally? ๐Ÿ™‚ LOL

    Now, lets go have a beer. ๐Ÿ™‚

  416.  #416ALA on April 3, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    FW – Do you have the rest of that CC article?… about what it means when a man pulls away. If so, I would like to read it.

  417.  #417ALA on April 3, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    correction, “When a man starts to appear more interested in his friends than in you” not when he pulls away.

  418.  #418IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    It feels bad reading back and forths. It would feel better to read encouragement and positive stories.

    That being said, I feel so thankful to be at a fresh start again.

    It feels a little sad and embarrassing.
    Took a lot of mistakes and painful eye-opening to get here.

    but I’d rather feel embarrassed and empowered, rather than feel blissfully ignorant, while actually losing my power.


    feel a little shaky, like a baby bird fresh out of her egg!

  419.  #419Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I have a date tonight and I feel scared. This is new as I am never nervous about first dates. It’s like after I saw that girl in the elevator I feel like a victim. I feel small and insignificant. Funny how it works when someone walks over you.

    The guy texted to confirm the date and I replied that I will ne the prettiest woman with a scarf. He replied that I should wear more than that. That is not what I was saying..

  420.  #420BeLoved on April 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Re: caustic/abrasiveness

    Tony Robbins intentionally uses provocative words and phrases to shake people up and get them out of their “polite” conditioning and get at more raw, less socially acceptable thoughts and feelings.

    It’s very effective, as you can see ๐Ÿ˜€

    I like the way Elsie seemed to really come alive and FW made a much longer, more thoughtful comment than I usually see.

    I especially love when I remember what I learned in Al-Anon – “My dog ain’t in that fight!” and decline to respond and just watch and learn from how y’all handle it amongst yourselves.

    It feels good to read the exchange between Elsie and FW – refreshing, even.

    Feels like…as if there was something inside of me that dissolved like the special effects of people who transport on Star Trek, *giggling*.

  421.  #421IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    it feels interesting when I feel bad in the midst of conflict.

    it’s when it’s unresolved that it feels the worst, but I see real communication taking place on the blog and that makes me feel better.

    disagreements and miscommunications are such a trigger for me!

    makes me feel like a helpless scared little girl, with a very little voice that may or may not be heard. ๐Ÿ™

    maybe that’s why I can be so loud and frank in real life sometimes.

    I desperately want to be heard and respected.
    and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    sometimes a quiet voice screams louder than any kind of shout.

    Or something…

    I dunno.

    I feel like I’m trying too hard to be deep here…

    I need a hug.


    I feel silly and shy and kind of scared…

  422.  #422Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Memulo: hahaha! About the scarf comment he made…I think he was trying to be funny

  423.  #423Turquoise on April 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Thank you sirens.

  424.  #424BeLoved on April 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm



    I feel like I just want to scoop your victim up (I am imagining her as a little girl with terror in her eyes) and wrap my arms around her and rock and rock and rock her and gaze in her eyes and sing her a lullaby for a million years until she’s emotionally full, gets tired of the fuss, hops off like a spunky little bada$$ and is ready to venture off on her own ๐Ÿ™‚

  425.  #425Tereana on April 3, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Jo-Jo, when you said “inbox” did you mean on Facebook? Wow, that guy has some balllzzz!! To go asking for that kind of thing on FB, when women can clearly see that he is engaged – to you. Or was. He should NOT have a chance with you anymore, IMO.

    Those other women did you a favor. It was like a public service – helping you to not get hitched up with this guy. Thank them!

    It doesn’t matter if there were red flags. It doesn’t matter how long you spent with him. Your feelings were real, but the relationship was not. I’ve been with guys who have aspects of this one, but in different ways. Feel the anger, the hurt, whatever. But you can move on. And if you do, guaranteed you will find someone better, because 99% of guys are better than that!!!

    If he’s going to improve or “change” he’ll have to do it with someone else…

  426.  #426Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Dominique and Elsie: Thank you! I know it isn’t my place to take this on….she’s just frustrating to me. Elsie – Yes…I’ve tried to tell her….gently and not so gently…she’s not hearing. I’m not saying more about it to her. I’m only hoping she’ll know I’m not the kind of person to say “I told you so” and she’ll still feel comfortable coming to me later. I’m not really her “friend” so much. I know her and we talk. I just care so much while I’m watching this happen.

    Elsie: With regard to “how” we say things and how it is received. I feel the need to clear this up some because I’m sure plenty of people did a loud, honest laugh out loud and spit the coffee on the keyboard thing when they read what you wrote about me. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’ve been abrasive…very much so. Really bad. And I have it in me to be that way still (although I try hard to avoid it). Sometimes, when I feel very, very passionate about something, the claws come out and my head spins around while I spit green sh*t all over the person I’m angry with. That’s me and I do have a “take it or leave it” kind of feeling about it when it happens. Probably even more than what you’re referring to with FW.

    I’m not defending it…I don’t think it’s a good or right way to handle any situation but I wanted to clear it up because anyone here who has known me for long has seen it and I want to make sure everyone understands, I’m not blind to my abrasive nature with regard to words. I’m aware of it and…well…that’s it for now…I’m aware of it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I do however find much happiness in how you see and receive me Elsie…that feels sooooo good!

    Much Love,

  427.  #427IamHis on April 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    From The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection:

    “I too have known a wounder. Like you, I thought I could not live without her. I yearned for her to comfort me from the very wound she inflicted. But she could never be the one to comfort me. The wounder never can.”

  428.  #428Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    Thanks Memulo and others who commented. It felt particularly good reading Memulo’s comment because I remember once her telling me that she did not feel comfortable with words that I was using. It is obvious that my personal style can be more stylish, even if I choose to be direct.

    I do believe because I chose to describe myself as “harsh” I convinced others to say me that way. I take it as a lesson of how I present myself to men.

  429.  #429Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Now Mercedes you almost made *me* spit on the key board ๐Ÿ™‚

  430.  #430Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    @Memulo – I acutally laughed when I read the scarf comment – he was definitely trying to be funny. ๐Ÿ™‚

  431.  #431Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    FW: LOL! You were probably here when I did it the first time (the very first time I ever posted). Fortunately, Dominique has a forgiving nature…. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Much Love,

  432.  #432Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    Turquoise, I am so, so sorry. If I may give any advice at all – think about her life. Remember her young and remember her happy. That is the real her.

  433.  #433Memulo on April 3, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Thank you so much BeLoved. I felt so cared for and loved reading it!

  434.  #434T-Girl on April 3, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Turquoise I was just thinking about you this morning wondering how your mom was doing. Sending lots of love your way…

  435.  #435Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    I replied that I will ne the prettiest woman with a scarf. He replied that I should wear more than that. That is not what I was saying..

    Memulo I absolutely loved your comment to him. It says CONFIDENCE.
    I find his comment funny. He is obviously, at least to me, a very visual person and your words created a picture in his mind. With men like these you can use your words to really have him craving you and begging to be with you. I honestly would experiment with this.

  436.  #436Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    BTW the scraf comment and your reaction to it is a way of communicating to a man that “you get him”.

  437.  #437BeLoved on April 3, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Y’all are all cracking me up!!!

    Memulo – yer lil’ girl is being totally fiesty now, she’s got her hand up telling me, “I can doooooo it on my OWN” and rolling her eyes at me with exasperation as if to say, “sheesh, grownups”.

    ahahaha I hear her saying, “geez it was just a skinned knee you don’t have to make a federal case out of it!!!”

    oh, now she’s showing me her fuzzy white angel wings, she’s very proud of them.

    She’s going to keep me amused for a while now, thanks for sharing her with me, Memulo ๐Ÿ™‚

  438.  #438Tereana on April 3, 2013 at 12:57 pm

    Ladies, I will admit that I am having some post-sexual anxiety, with regard to dancing cd. It’s normal, right? Because I’m a girl, yes? Yes! This makes me a girl – I’m a girl. I can feel!

    Alright, that’s good. And my expectations are not high. I’m not trying to be morose, but I really don’t expect him to contact me until next week. He has a Hindu holiday to celebrate, plus a friend visiting. It would be good if I have him space – plus time to feel what he feels. He’s cute and adorable in surprising ways, and I like that. As far as long term partnership? Who knows.

    But I had s kind of a neat revelation/thought the other day. It’s impossible to really say right off if a long-term thing is possible (ok, you can rule out when it’s NOT). But in the long term, all that is is a long string of “nows.” If you enjoy “right now,” then there’s no reason that that can’t string along into lots of other ones.

    So that’s where in operating from right now. I enjoyed “now” when I spent time with him yesterday. The feelings that I’m having are about me, completely, not anything to do with him. And if he enjoyed it, then I have nothing to worry about.

    I’m still focusing on me, anyway, because honestly, I have enough to think about.

    I really need help in the financial abundance area. I can do do many things, and do them well. Yet I can’t seem to get a handle on money, and I have no idea why. Even if I do know why, they are not good reasons, and knowing them does nothing to change what’s going on for me…maybe I need to make some bigger changes…I’m scared :-/

  439.  #439BeLoved on April 3, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    This all happened so very quickly, I imagine you must feel shocked. It’s more important than ever to pull out everything you have to care for you now, call in every molecule of support you can. Times like these you need it the most.


  440.  #440Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    @Memulo this guy obviously has a sense of humor so on your date try to listen for his humor and laugh when he makes a joke…guys LOVE IT when you laugh at their jokes. They find that very sexy I think. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Have fun! Excited for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  441.  #441Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    ALA I do have it but it is in an email and don’t think I can post the whole thing.

    When a man starts to appear more interested in his friends than in you, a few things might be happening:

    1. He’s Just Taking Space
    This can actually be a very healthy thing. A man will often need to take some time to himself even when he’s crazy about a woman – and ESPECIALLY after a period of intense intimacy. It’s just what we do to recharge.

    2. He Never Had “Long-Term” In Mind
    This could be because he’s not in the right place in his life right now for a serious relationship.

    3. He Isn’t Ready Or Capable Of Real Intimacy
    I’m sure you’ve encountered more than one guy like this. He gets excited about you, but then when it comes time to having a real relationship, he’s lacking in the EMOTIONAL MATURITY to make it happen.

    Can you see what these three reasons have in common?

    Answer: You can’t control any of them.

    And of course, that’s what makes this kind of situation with a man nerve-wracking. You’re just not sure what to do. So you let FEAR take over you. This is the kind of fear that makes it all too easy to make mistakes with men. And the only way to stop it is to take CONTROL of what you can:

    YOU and your response.

  442.  #442Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    RE 440 – Yep

  443.  #443Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    RE 409 – I do Elsie and I really appreciate you pointing it out.

  444.  #444ALA on April 3, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    I feel selfish for asking a favor when FW was in the middle of something else. And I have a little inkling that I was also trying to derail a potential conflict. They were handling it just fine without me. Now I’m feeling like my needs aren’t important. Even though I’m really interested in the article. Maybe I’ll get my answer in another, unexpected way. That’s my fall-back reaction though… to put others before myself.

  445.  #445ALA on April 3, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    lolol, after all that typing, she comes through!

    Thank you, FW.

  446.  #446ALA on April 3, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    “Youโ€™re just not sure what to do. So you let FEAR take over you. This is the kind of fear that makes it all too easy to make mistakes with men. And the only way to stop it is to take CONTROL of what you can:

    YOU and your response.”


  447.  #447Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:13 pm

    Yet some men when they are at a loss for words or want to get out of a relationship they turn character assasination.

    This is something I learned from a coach and I see it clearly now when I watch people’s interactions. I don’t think I was actually doing it though as I was, in my mind sharing what I had read and chose the words “These are terms I have read in emails from other coaches. Male coaches.” to explain. Trust me, I could not have come up with such descriptives on my own. Even the concept of character assassination did not occur to me until I read about it. Interesting how our eyes and brains work.

  448.  #448Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    ALA – those are great things to notice about one-self. It to mean is awareness of lean forward energy that is being noticed. Yayy you because now you can notice this energy and stop it with men.

  449.  #449Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    ALA – do you think he will try to contact you? Is this the guy with alcohol/substance overuse? Or am I mixing you up with someone else?

  450.  #450Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I feel the need to riff.
    I feel yuck and repelled by sexist unflattering remarks made about womens body.

    I feel annoyed that when I voice this that I have my character as a women pulled apart and told because I wear lowish tops that show a bit of cleavage or short skirts that I shouldn’t feel yuck about men making remarks that put other women down. And told it’s just a joke, lighten up. It doesn’t feel funny to me. I do not like to hear womens body parts being made fun of in a way that puts women down.

    This feels really horrible. Am I only allowed to dislike those remarks if I dress like a nun then. How is what I dress like relevant? Are women who dress any way that is considered sexy not allowed to have these feelings and opinions then. What am I not getting? What is the lesson?

    I feel pulled off balance, feels horrible, I feel my stomach all riled inside. I have no control over others thinking like they do and saying what they do.
    I don’t want to say nothing though and pretend it doesn’t bother me. I don’t want to laugh along and join in putting other women down, That feels wrong, that feels like I condone it and am not allowed a voice and stand up for my sisterhood. Like my voice doesn’t matter. Gosh it goes deeper than that, I feel sad. deeply sad. It makes me feel squashed and down trodden. I do not like it one bit.

  451.  #451Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Can anyone help me with this?It feels bad.

  452.  #452Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Syrena: I’m soooo with you on that! I hate it too! We can’t control what other people say and shouldn’t stress that part too much BUT we CAN control how we react to what others say and I have no problem letting people know they are in the wrong company if they think that stuff is funny. My go to phrase is “Well THAT was inappropriate.” and I walk away. Happened a couple of times in work situations and that line put a stop to it (at least in front of me). I think in professional situations the word “inappropriate” scares people. Makes the words Human Resources pop into their heads…

    Much Love,

  453.  #453Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Elsie this “I have friends for life who have withdrawn from me because of my directness” means they withdrew, but came back. Now I am busting my brain to see if I have lost friends because of my directness. I am more remembering people, especially men, telling me this is what they like about me. One guy told me he is not intimidated by me. One girl at work said after she had gotten over her initial reaction to me she realized that deep down I was really soft hearted.

    Yeah, it was the way I chose to cover up my vulnerabilities. It was the way I learned to stand up for myself and siblings with an overwhelmed, abusive mother who was doing the best she knew how with the little she had.

    Now I am feeling emotional after writing that, remembering BeLoved and Turquoise’s mom. Dealing with my own aging mom, who I was told an hour ago has a spot on her lung. Nothing conclusive yet as they are scheduling a CT followup scan for two weeks time.

  454.  #454Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Miss M – ๐Ÿ™‚


  455.  #455Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Just to let everyone know – especially FW – I am really taking to heart the fact that I am most likely very emotionally draining to people. I work at a very high emotional level, and because of my insecurity and need for reassurance, that makes it worse…..

    But as I was thinking about all of this, I realized I forgot to say that he texted me all morning and called me…..TWICE.

    I am so scared to lean back. I’m so scared that what I want wont show up for me. I’m so scared and need that constant reassurance.

    And yet, because I have not ever leaned forward and rowed the oars, I can not tell you how much more in love I am with the feeling that I have when he fills the space.

    I sort of feel like I have to overmanage or it wont get done, but I have forced myself for over a year to not do that, and I”m so glad that i have….

    Now, I just wish that I didnt have that as my default setting………this takes time…….I need to be patient with myself.

    LOVE that he texted and called, and he was very concerned about an incident that happened with my son……LOVE that.

  456.  #456Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Syrena – I am with Mercedes. I saw I feel uncomfortable. I do want to ask though what was actually said? Could it be that you are reading more into the comments than what was actually meant? Or could it be that the comments are triggering for you memories of a past incident?

  457.  #457ALA on April 3, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    FW – not substance abuse, more internet addiction. He’s with other people I’m not friends with now. He was really mean to me and said some horrible things, out of context, and lies. Maybe to justify his own behavior in his mind. Dont think he will contact me. Kinda hope he doesn’t. If he sees my FB wall I hope he does see that I am a good person, moving on as best I can and still have lingering feelings for him. I was sooo on edge with him, trying to be perfect with my own imperfect self and not authentic because I didn’t know how I FELT. He saw that as not being able to trust me, possibly.

    feel scared and shakey if he will be mean to me.

    … also more comfortable with myself and peaceful without him.

  458.  #458Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    @FW – HUGE HUGS TO YOU. I’m so sorry about the news about your mom. How terrifying. How scary. I”ll say a prayer.

    I usually think to myself that people are the way they are because it is a way that that they have found to cope with what they have lived through. If someone is super jealous its because they have been betrayed. If someone is shy it might be because they were told they were stupid and didnt amount to anything.

    So, in your case, you developed a highly effective defense mechanism of being tough. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m sure that it has served you very well, otherwise you wouldnt use it LOL. ๐Ÿ™‚

  459.  #459Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Elsie for some reason I am thinking mostly as emotionally draining to yourself. I would say look in the mirror at yourself when these feelings start to bubble up and tell yourself that your desires are worthy and lovely. Find ways to love yourself through those moments as a self soothing exercise. I really wonder if cortisol levels in your blood raises when you go into those loops. Your stress hormones need some loving, is what my mind is telling me ๐Ÿ™‚

  460.  #460Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    FW – Huh. Interesting. I never thought about being emotionally draining to MYSELF. Probably because I never think of me first (or at all sometimes.)

    It *is* emotionally draining. I guess I dont really know what other way to be. I’m *SO* ENFJ on the Myers Briggs scale and its so hard to not be the personality type that you are. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I wish someone could give me a shot at the doctors office called “reassurance.” LOL. I would pay for it!!!

    But now that I think about what you are saying, I guess I really need to find that “shot” for myself. And just reassure myself and love myself even though I am this emotional….etc.

    Ok – thinking about this in a totally new way because of you – ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks!

  461.  #461Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Yep Elsie. You have me figured out.

  462.  #462Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    FW: So sorry to hear about your mother. Hopefully it won’t be anything serious. I know what you mean about your mom getting older. I so need to get over my grievances with her and appreciate her because she won’t be around forever.


    Elsie, happy for you about the calls! Thats great! ๐Ÿ™‚

  463.  #463Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Elsie – have you read my article series on ultra-sensitivity?


  464.  #464Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 2:21 pm

  465.  #465Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Iโ€™m *SO* ENFJ on the Myers Briggs scale and its so hard to not be the personality type that you are.

    Elsie ever since you came to the blog I find myself doubting this even more. I never liked it but now I practically hate it. You keep repeating it as if, in my mind, you have painted yourself in a corner. I see it as kinda like what Carol Allen talks about. You came out of the factory loaded with this program yes. But the more you keep reinforcing it in your mind and in writing is the more you keep convincing yourself that this cannot be changed. It can be. Or at least you can develop the underdeveloped parts of your personality. Your personality can be changed. Your “weak parts” can be your strongest parts.

  466.  #466Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks ladies. Sometimes it feels like the shoe I am kinda expecting to drop and at the same time, hiding away from dealing with. I can only imagine what Turquoise is going through. Life is so………..yet I feel grateful.

  467.  #467Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    I really like the idea of focusing on the positive qualities in others. I like it but I often don’t do it, I focus on the negative qualities frequently.

    This is something I’m going to work on because I think it would make a big big difference with friends and family. Actually a HUGE difference. Probably transform many of those relationships.

    I have proof of that…my ex said that he appreciated how positive I was. I really worked on being that way with him…I need to apply that with others too though.

  468.  #468Emerson on April 3, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    438 Tereana
    I feel excited for you and dancingcd! Hmm it sounds intriguing! I feel kinda jealous that you got some action lol… ExoticCD turns me on but no sex yet as a) I have not seen him lol; and 2) I don’t wnt to do that with him till I get to know him more..
    But I feel lonely for male sexual attention.. Like sad face piney lol… It’s that time in my cycle ๐Ÿ™‚

    Also I hear you on the finances… I need some serious help too and I’m ok right now but barely…

  469.  #469Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    @Dominique – I have totally read those articles – and that is me 100%. I am absolutely ultra sensitive. My mom was the same way – so is my daughter.

    @FW – I encourage you to read Dominiques articles. This describes me to a T. And I am ENFJ. Its not an excuse, in fact its liberating. Its sort of like finding out who you are and then everything makes sense. I am such a huge believer in it. I understand that you think I’m painting myself in a corner It isnt like that at all for me. It helps me completely understand why I make the choices I do. I can maybe move around a bit – but at the core, that is WHO I am. Please read Dominiques articles, it completely explains it. And if I tried to be not -ultra sensitive – well, it wouldnt work. Just like if I tried not to be ENFJ it just simply wouldnt work. It just wouldnt. It would be like me asking you to stop being “tough”. Maybe you could try to get out of it here or there but at the end of the day, that is just who you are at your core. ๐Ÿ™‚

  470.  #470Emerson on April 3, 2013 at 2:40 pm


  471.  #471BeLoved on April 3, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    About forgiveness…

    You don’t have to forgive anyone you aren’t ready to forgive and trying to forgive too quickly can be a form of self-torture. I speak from experience….oy.

    If you feel ready – check out:

    or, I felt uplifted and inspired and profoundly moved by watching a documentary about
    Eva Mozes Kor, called “Forgiving Dr. Mengele”.
    She was a twin in his experiments and now teaches forgiveness. I feel so much peace, listening to her talk and watching her move with so much ease and grace.

  472.  #472Emerson on April 3, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    The blog is not updating on my phone

  473.  #473Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    @Turquoise – Oh no. I missed your post somehow. HUGS to you. I”m so sorry about your mom.

  474.  #474Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I did read the articles. I am not saying not to be ultra-sensitive. I am saying there are other parts of your personality that can be developed. The parts that are attractive in your guy. Trust me, I have changed from being tough. It just comes out at times :). Even my own son called me fake once when he saw the soft side of my personality since I started this Rori work. He had never seen that. Now sometimes I am like a teenage girl I wonder about myself at times. Just because you “are” ultrasensitive doesn’t preclude you from being something else sometimes. Is my opinion. I didn’t know I could be anything but tough.

    Now that I think about it for most of my life I was called oversensitive. Some experiences I had when I moved to New York caused me to make a conscious decision that I was going to be a biatch. I can remember the incidents. Even though I knew how to be tough when growing up, I was able to refine that. When I started peeling away the toughness it was scary, plus I judged myself as weak. Now I see myself as flexible. I can move from one personality type to the other. Maybe not seamlessly but I know I can do it.

  475.  #475Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    I believe we have more power with ourselves that we give ourselves credit for. Mainly because most of our lives we walked around unconscious and more outwardly focussed. Being one’s own observer/witness is a great practice to develop to help lift us out of our unconsciousness.

  476.  #476Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Liquid Light I wonder if you focus more on your positive/good qualities it will help open your eyes to those qualities in others.

  477.  #477Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    @FW – well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree. ๐Ÿ™‚ Because its not about changing your reactions to things….that you can work on – but the Myers Briggs scale is about your personality – at your core, who you are. What you like, what you dont like, etc. If you are an introverted person, you can work on being extroverted, but it wont ever be who you really are or what you are the most comfortable being. Knowing who you really are makes a huge difference in deciding how you want to react to things……I think. ๐Ÿ™‚ My two cents.

  478.  #478Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Yeah Elsie. I guess it feels more freeing/liberating for me to believe that I have options where my personality is concerned. I dunno.

    One other thing have you ever checked with any other method?

  479.  #479Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Elsie: I need to log off but wanted to say quick that I think you might be limiting yourself a LOT by this scale. Several years ago, I would have been introverted and shy and quiet by ANYONE’S standards. It was at my “core” so to speak. You can ask anyone who knew me back then.

    Then, I healed a lot of things and worked though many childhood trauma’s and worked on being me and loving me and opening up to the world.

    I am not the opposite of shy.

    I’ve taken that test many times over the years. It can (absolutely CAN) change and I strongly encourage you to put less weight on these labels and take it more of a good insight into why certain things are.

    I also follow my zodiac for the most part. I fit the Aries bill to a T. BUT…that doesn’t mean it is ME. It is when I was born and I do have MANY of those traits but it does not define me. I have the power to be anyone I want to be and I have the power to heal any parts of me I want to heal.

    So do you…

    Much Love,

  480.  #480Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    I mean I am *now* the opposite of shy. ๐Ÿ™‚

  481.  #481Femininewoman on April 3, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Mercedes you have a birthday coming up?

    Mine is this Saturday.

  482.  #482Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Thank you Mercedes. I agree, it felt good to walk away.

  483.  #483Elsie on April 3, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    @Mercedes – that is really interesting to hear.

    I do not believe in astrology at all. I just dont. But its interesting to me to think that you believe that astrology is real which is just sort of I guess superimposed upon you from birth and you have no choice……verses the Myers Briggs scale which basically shows your likes/dislikes and how you typically will react to things…..usually based on years and years of you becoming who you are…..

    Thats just interesting to me.

  484.  #484Zia on April 3, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Mercedes – re your friend, sometimes people just need to learn these sorts of things for themselves. I’m one such person, if someone had point out that I need to learn the stuff I’m learning now, back then, I would have just dismissed them.

    Some of us just have to learn the hard way ๐Ÿ™

    Morning Sirens btw, sending lots of love from the land down under xox

  485.  #485Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    456: Femininewoman says:

    “Syrena โ€“ I am with Mercedes. I saw I feel uncomfortable. I do want to ask though what was actually said? Could it be that you are reading more into the comments than what was actually meant? Or could it be that the comments are triggering for you memories of a past incident”

    The first comment was about the mans mothers lard arse. He was making derogatory remarks about it. Then claimed it was a joke and she would see it as a joke. This made me feel yucky and sickened. The next part where after I had expressed mt feelings of dislike, he then made personal remarks about what I was wearing saying he didn’t understand why a women who wore tops that showed cleavage and short skirts in public would feel sickened about the expression lard arse. The implication was that who was I to dare to challenge that most mothers would not take that as a joke and would feel disrespected because of the clothes I wore. Gosh it felt awful a bit like a rapists mentality and reasoning. If you get my drift. When they say oh she was asking for it because of what she was wearing. And there was a definite air of who are you to challenge what I say. It was like he was trying to shut me up in a humiliating way drawing attention to my clothes and putting me down. So he put his Mother down and then me for challenging him. This did not feel good at all.

  486.  #486Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    To me it doesn’t matter if he mean’t it as a joke as just because he was jokinhg it doesn’t mean that as a woman I would find it funny.

    Just like if i was black and someone said alright monkey woman and then claimed it was just a joke.

  487.  #487Daria on April 3, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Personality shyness

    I’m really really digging what’s being discussed here.

    Mercedes : wow. I want that too. I’ve never heard that before, it changed things for me in my chest. Thank you.

  488.  #488Liquid Light on April 3, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    485 syrena, wow that guy sounds like a total a-hole…he definitely deserves to be told off or at least told what he said was offensive and inappropriate. good job for speaking up!

    some men can be so insensitive and clueless….barf!!!

  489.  #489Daria on April 3, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Syrena – my two cents are:

    when you are saying ‘This made me feel yucky and sickened.’

    These words are carrying energy of blame.

    they seem like the real feelings – yucky, sick –

    Yet don’t carry the — loving toward him surrendering energy of — ‘oh no baby I feel yucky, I feel sick, help ! ‘ where he’s seen as blameless and giving

    Imagining this scenario, my real in the moment feeling might be : sad, scared angry ( yucky, sick… But def also angry) turned off, panicked, chilled, nauseaus, stunned, etc etc

    I am practicing watching myself for how I blame men when I feel angry, and I’m seein a reflection – or what seems clear to me – here… Wow . Thus blog is really something crazy how when it’s me it feels so … Unckmfirtable… Takes many babysteps and blank mind feelings to see myself

  490.  #490Daria on April 3, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    its not that people don’t correspond to astrology – amount of sunlight varying throughout the year has a huge influence on (basically Determines) plant growth and animal mating times… Seems illogical it wouldn’t have an influence on humans during the – as considered by developmental psychology – very formative first year of life

    On the other hand, Meyers Briggs scales measure selected likes and dislikes…

    And assume, based on tracking and testing experience, that Most People don’t change significantly throughout their life

    Most People don’t have wonderful, feel good, fulfilling romantic relationships either…

    To state the implied conclusion for those of us whose minds employ seemingly slight of hand tricks to keep is patterned (all of us ? )

    The tests show u now, each moment I find who u are anew. U decide who u are, each moment, u choose ur thoughts, even with the existence of the prepatterned ones that is ur gift to u … U don’t have to ‘believe’ in astrology and u don’t have to take Meyers Briggs as a must forever, or take on beliefs that you won’t change e en if you want to

    That you can’t

    You should

    Or you have to

    None of that is real. All that’s real is what you choose, as been shown demonstratively, by focusing experiments, by neurobiology, by life …

    We chose love

    We choose us

    We choose everything


    The guilt and fear and the ecstasy n love

  491.  #491Dominique on April 3, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    So many April babies. Me too.

    On this discussion of who you are at core, I understand all the views here. Miss M, one could say that at core you were not shy, yet this is what you had to use as defense growing up.

    I could say the same about myself, yet not. For I don’t SEEM shy, yet inside I still feel shy. And when presented with new people or new situations, I can become very quiet.

    Yet my Myers-Briggs scores have changed over time. I haven’t done it in awhile. I feel curious as to what it might say now.

    I also think you CAN develop the weaker aspects of self. Maybe change them altogether, or is that who you always were at core and as in Miss M’s example above, things can be brought out.

    I also wonder how you can truly know who you are at core. I think we are all LOVE at core.

    I think too you can be anything or anyone you want, IF you truly want to be whatever it is, thus changing yourself in a small way or a big one.

    I don’t know that it’s one way or another. I think it’s all of what has been presented and maybe more. A personality can be complex, and it can be ever shifting and changing, especially when you work on yourself.

    All interesting stuff to ponder.


  492.  #492Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Thank you Daria, I felt repelled. wanting to get away from him.

    Would repelled have sounded better. What do you think?

    If I go deeper, I felt scared. Scared of his put downs. His put downs gave him power. Others were laughing, egging him on, joining in . It felt odd. Others who I know on their own would not talk like this joined him, it was like he became their leader in publicly ridiculing women.

  493.  #493Mercedes on April 3, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    FW: mine is on the 13th. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Elsie: I don’t know if I believe in astrology or not but I do admit to being VERY Aries as it is described.

    I get that the personality thing is based on years of study on a persons personality…which is why I believe that over time it can change…as mine did.

    Much Love,

  494.  #494Syrena on April 3, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    I think who we are at core is how we came out as babies.

    Some babies are calm.
    Some are more sensitive.
    Our true inner being.

  495.  #495Daria on April 3, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Elsie – FW Is working on not being ‘tough’.

    We are all here working on changing those parts of our personalities that keep us from love.

    It doesn’t lead to me losing myself, tho it certainly feels scary as if I will…

  496.  #496Daria on April 3, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Well I’ve changed so much… I guess I can speak for me and who I am is my decision. Shy and not shy, calm and not calm I’ve been it all, undeniably.