Your Inner Boy Makes It Possible For Your Inner Girl To Just “Be”

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You Can Have ItAllLet’s start with a list.

I really want you to sit down and write me a list about all the things you would do if you could make a difference in the world.

What if your making a difference in the world was simply about you finding more peace within you?

Would you breathe more?

Would you look on other people with compassion?

Would you look on yourself with love and compassion?

What would you do if you could save yourself, save the world?

Making this list is the job of your Inner Boy.

Your boy has the job of making the space for you to sit down or lay down on the floor and do nothing but breathe.

Your boy needs to make the space for you to go to a bar, to take you there, to sit you on a stool – so your Inner Girl can just sit and feel the sounds. Just sit and intuit what’s going on around you.

Your Girl isn’t bothering “trying” anything.

Least of all trying to “have fun.”

This is what your boy wants to doMake Something Happen – and by pushing and shoving you into “having fun” – without the power and compass of your Inner Girl to guide the “ship” that is YOU, you can feel seriously thrown off your Inner Girl’s “being state” of near meditation.

This expansion of the roles of your Inner Boy and Inner Girl is an art. It’s the art of being a Business Siren. It’s the Art of Falling In Love with everything so fully that living feels like a grand experience rather than a trial.

Today – Business Siren – BIZ begins for the very first time!

(It’s always been a part of Rori Raye Relationship Coach Training, incorporated into the 20 week Training – and this is the first time I’ve opened BIZ to ALL women Entrepreneurs.)

If you’re finding out about this just today – we start at 11am today, Monday, March 23rd, and we go for a breakneck six weeks of completely overhauling your work life.

To find out the details, and to squeak in at the last moment to claim the very last space today – check out BIZ here–>>

Remember – this is NOT about shutting down your Inner Boy in order to allow your Inner Girl to just be.

Or shutting down your Inner Girl in order to “function.”

It’s about expanding the space you inhabit in this magical world of atoms, molecules and particles we can’t see or know about – so that both your Inner Girl and Inner Boy have much to contribute, experience and enjoy.

Love, Rori




  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 23, 2015 at 6:48 am

    I love it. Thank you Rori 🙂

  2.  #2MovingMagic on March 23, 2015 at 10:04 am

    My inner boy has ran the show for a long time and suddenly my inner girl is wanting the spotlight.
    I’m growing my blonde locks out (pixie/funky for many years). Suddenly I have a head of full, shiny hair. Whoa! My imagine in the mirror surprises me constantly.
    I’m craving pinks and softness.
    I’m becoming active in my local burlesque community and am organically creating a character.
    I want glamour. I spend time hunting for vintage costumes. ..
    it’s amazing.

  3.  #3Senior Lady Vibe on March 23, 2015 at 11:59 am

    This month I’m celebrating my 49th wedding anniversary.

    That particular marriage didn’t last…but I did.

    P.S. No little boys were required, I bought myself an anniversary gift! 🙂

  4.  #4Dominique on March 23, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    SLV – I feel so delighted seeing you here. I miss you.
    Happy! Happy!! Anniversary!!! How many rings have you in your collection now? I still have the one you gave me. 🙂


  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on March 23, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    @4: Dominique

    Hi Dominique! Are you back in California now?

    I stopped collecting the little rings a couple years ago (gee, has it been that long?) but… I did get one on St. Patrick’s Day and it turned out to be a GREEN one… isn’t that funny?

    I’m glad you still have the soulmate ring I gave you. You weren’t married then and now you are! Oh, the powers… 🙂

    I like your new pic too–the one on the RR coaching page–very chic.


  6.  #6Senior Lady Vibe on March 23, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    @ Dominique

    And thanks for the anniversary wishes.


  7.  #7April Rose on March 23, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Has anyone had the experience of a man being all ‘in your business’?

    I am experiencing it.

    I have been a bit unwell. He has been researching my symptoms.

    On phone calls he asks about every detail of my day.

    Is this good?

    He tells me he is interested because he cares.

    I feel numb to it so far.
    It is so unfamiliar to me.

    In my last relationship I spent six years with someone who was almost entirely involved with himself and his own world.

  8.  #8Beloved on March 23, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    April Rose –
    I don’t know if it’s good or not, it sounds intriguing 🙂

  9.  #9Dominique on March 23, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    April Rose – 7 – Hard to say this early one, yet remember most men like to fix things, take care of things, make you feel good. So this could be a good thing.

    BUT from what you say here, if he really is asking all the details, etc. I would feel exhausted too and wary. I don’t want to be interrogated, and this is how what you say he does feels to me.

    Pink flag?


  10.  #10Indigo on March 23, 2015 at 10:17 pm

    April Rose,

    Yes, I’ve had an experience like that with a guy, and I didn’t like it. My brain felt tired and I tended to feel disconnected from the person super-fast.

    This may be something that could be fixed with a feeling message though, such as “I don’t like talking about every detail of my day, it makes me feel exhausted.”

  11.  #11Sophie on March 24, 2015 at 1:53 am

    I feel really triggered by the situation I’ve just experienced with confused CD. It was Saturday/Sunday and after the pain of the conversation around wanting to be loyal to his hope of a relationship with another women who has just become available.

    I allowed my boy energy to get me to a spa retreat where I could be in my girl energy. My trigger is around feeling second best (maybe even third who knows). I have been more likely to attract men who cheat on me, than who treasure me that deeply. The pain is cutting me deeply and I’m not sure how to soothe it anymore than just feel it – I have been trying to clear his energy field from mine – it’s not working (yet) – I’m having rubbish, dream-filled sleep. He is attempting to remain in contact via facebook – invited me out with them last night etc but I said no. I feel so confused I have always used feeling messages with him and told him how i’m feeling. Now i’ve stopped.Today, I was curt in my response. He will feel it.

    There is one week until he goes and I’m counting the days because I’m avoiding going to the places he may be (where previously I was having fun). That, I did in Cambodia too, I moved away from the triggers rather than into them.

    Is that the best thing to do?
    What should I do?
    What should I say?
    Should I cut off contact and if so how do I do that, please help me with scripting.

    Do I tell him how I feel in the hope he may be able to find a resolution that feels good for the last week of his stay?

    I feel pain that I have lost my friend as well as the pain of being the second best thing – I can’t be friends with men with whom there is a sexual attraction so strong. I can’t be around someone, out and about and social when I feel really, really confused about where the boundaries lie. I feel sore heart, such deep sadness and grief.

    And why oh why did I let him close to me in the first place? This has so many similarities with Young CD who I have now deleted and blocked by the way. And he is just nerdy men – this is MY trigger so it’s up there for healing but HOW do I do that? I don’t understand myself.

    If anyone can offer me any advice I would feel very appreciative. I feel unhappy and I DO NOT WANT to feel unhappy.

    I have to leave my retreat on Thursday – which is potential trigger day ‘cos that’s the day I’d normally go out dancing (and it was with him). I don’t want to sit in a gloom room and I don’t want to take a pill because I can’t bare the painful feelings.

    i know so many of us are experiencing some painful stuff right now, my heart goes out to all of you xxx

  12.  #12Indigo on March 24, 2015 at 3:13 am


    It’s so normal for sensitive souls such as you to feel as you do, to worry about these things as you do. I know, I have been there.

    I sense very strongly from your posts that there is a lot of muck rising to the surface to be cleared away. It feels so difficult and painful, but it WILL lift.

    You might like to try a simple energy shielding technique which I use whenever I need to and when nothing else works to get someone’s energy away from me, and it really does work/help.

    Close your eyes and imagine stretching out your arms to the side and out in front of you. Imagine this arm’s length drawing a bubble around you – you can imagine it extending an arm’s length above you, beneath you and all around you. This is your energy field, your sacred space, and whenever you feel someone’s energy intruding, imagine your arm pushing out to create the space again. You can make it very vivid in your head. For me, my energy field or aura is a mixture of peach, pink and yellow light. People can sense it and it does seem to help.

    I hope you find some new sources of happiness.

  13.  #13Sophie on March 24, 2015 at 4:04 am

    Thank you Indigo I will try – I’ve been doing the cord cutting and dissipating visualisations but maybe these sacred space ones will help me more. I had a dream last night actually that my sacred space (the bathroom in my house) had been ripped out and replaced with something ugly.

    My energy is the worst today because of turbulent sleep – swimming, reading, chatting, trying to sleep, breathing, writing, nothing yet seems to be lifting it – AND BREATHE

    Thank you for your response – I agree there are so many things shifting in my life and I know they will pass but it always feels so horrible when you’re in it doesn’t it? 🙁

    love to you


  14.  #14Indigo on March 24, 2015 at 4:23 am

    Sophie – I understand. I really do.

    You may know I have written on here about my many times curled up on the tiled floor – because I feel just too horrible and painful, and something about the coolness of the floor and being in contact with and horizontal with the ground is soothing somehow.

    What I’ve learnt, through many experiences like that, is that sometimes those feelings don’t want to shift until they’re ready. They just want to BE. They want to exist. Just let them, and trust that when they’re ready, they’ll move along, and something will happen which will take you to a better place. It’s SO horrible but the more you can give yourself to it, the quicker it passes.

  15.  #15Indigo on March 24, 2015 at 4:27 am

    On Saturday morning, I was lower than I have been in many, many months. I was sobbing, just wrenching sobs and in so much heartache, and I found myself on the floor again, just lying there until my mind went blank. I don’t know how but it was almost as if the Universe knew that it was time for me to feel better and at that moment I got a call from a close friend whom I hadn’t seen in ages inviting me over to come and swim, chill out by the pool and have a shandy. I don’t know how or why but it was the perfect thing, and it saved me. This will happen for you too Sophie.

  16.  #16Azure Blu on March 24, 2015 at 5:14 am

    ((((Ahhh… Sophie)))))
    ahhhh… lovely, exciting, adventuress goddess YOU!!!
    I’m happy you are at a spa retreat
    and you are detoxing from your sleeping pills…

    I feel so sorry that you are going through all
    of this sadness…
    but as you recognize there is much to feel and
    experience and work through…
    of course Not very pleasant…
    I was thinking…
    many times detoxing creates feelings of confusion
    and sadness…
    I think it is important to revisit your feelings
    of only deserving the crumbs (being 2nd and 3rd best) from men, and the world…
    I was feeling something similar the past month and realized
    *I* was treating ME as 2nd and 3rd best!!!
    I began looking more closely at ALLLL the ways
    and started doing little things to show ME
    How much I CHERISH, ADORE, take care of
    and LOVE *ME*!!
    NOT waiting for SOMEONE else to
    do it for ME…
    Also…. sometimes we just have to
    SIT in OUR PAIN, LET IT wash over us…
    Love it and hold the feelings in our arms
    tell these feelings how much you love them
    tell them They are a part of YOU
    You can say to YOUR feelings:” I didn’t realize how badly I have been treating you…
    sit here next to me and talk to ME about what YOU need from ME…”
    one baby step at a time!!
    Dominique helped me
    When I was VERY despondent, thinking I was
    having to revisit the SAME trigger over, and over and over again and getting NO WHERe…
    she said it is a different version of
    the trigger… I had peeled back
    many layers of that trigger
    and NOW I was peeling back yet another layer,,,
    so I was moving forward…
    I was NOT STUCK!!!
    This helped me immensely!!!
    Love and huggs darling one…

  17.  #17Sophie on March 24, 2015 at 5:49 am

    Thank you you two I know you understand me and it feels nice to be understood. I have been with the feelings as much as poss – I even cried a bit today and there was anger too. A friend came over, I might talk to my best friend later cos she emailed and i decided to go out but waiting to see if I can get a lift. It does feel like the same trigger and it does feel soooooo frustrating because I feel like I have done so much to love and care for myself – relentlessly, to exhaustion. And then, when I think I’ve found something sweet and safe, there it is again…hopefully yes, just another layer xxx thank you for being here for me xxx

  18.  #18Kim on March 24, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Wow Indigo, from previous have the patience of a Saint, and the communication ability too, seriously admire that..I’d have been out of there for a few days, like liquid light said, going on about my business, I’d have been fuming and there would have been NO way I could have done what you did, talk in a calm manner about something that caused me to cry and feel down in the dumps. Very impressive. Wish I could do ego gets in the way every time.
    I feel curious as to what you could possibly have done at parties in the past that would have elicited that behavior…I can’t imagine you gentle and sweet soul doing anything that might stop someone / anyone from having you there, especially a man who loves you..but I do know that everybody is different and as a general rule, men avoid trouble if they can, this much is for sure…and by doing that often stir up the ‘drama’ they so try to avoid.
    I am at that point that it would be awkward for my guy NOT to invite me, although we don’t socialize much with his friends and more with mine, he certainly would get some awkward questions as to why he was throwing a party without me/had we split up etc. I would also strangle him, if he did…and just plonk my bikini bod on another guy’s boat and have a party myself…he knows I am not someone to sit home waiting for him, so that has changed our dynamic. Especially after that incident with his sister, where I am sure he intended for us all to do something together but then got bogged down in the practicalities…now he knows I am potentially doing something else, if no plans are made/firmed up, the whole game has changed.
    Most importantly perhaps, I know he would want me there more than I would want to be there…and that is a great and safe feeling…I might not even go but for me it is kinda important to be invited…
    I have dumped men for less….and never regretted it, but then I can be a bit of a hot-head when my feathers get
    I think if, after that incident that weekend we had, it wasn’t for him searching to communicate and apologize and talk the whole thing through, I’d still be going about my daily biz right now….not worrying about a thing. I think in the last few years, I had so much stress with unavailable men or the wrong types of guys, that now I am so focused on being content that if a man doesn’t make me happy, or at least his intention is on making me happy (because we all slip up sometimes), he can sling his hook.
    I couldn’t care less…wasted too much time hoping for one or two to turn into a prince when they were intent on remaining a frog… 😉

  19.  #19April Rose on March 24, 2015 at 7:47 am

    Thank you Beloved, Dominique and Indigo,

    I have been feeling exhausted. He likes to talk. I feel so easily tired, especially when I go into ‘reporter’ mode. I don’t enjoy explaining myself or reporting on events. I’m much more a playful in the moment kinda girl.

    I need to keep conveying this, and keep my words along the lines of feeling ‘poetry’.

    And yes, Dominique, he so loves fixing things and taking care of things. It is like he has fixed all his own stuff and is delighted to have another person who has tons of broken stuff to fix. My life is surely getting easier in that way!

  20.  #20Gemini Goddess on March 24, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Azure Blu 16-

    What a great post. So many things you wrote really resonate with me.

    We’re having such a marvelous time, things moving forward, D stepping up and planning our weekend all together (with his son – 15, and my daughter – 9 and son – 5, who all get along fabulously), and yet between us I’m feeling totally buried under triggers (so frustrating), new and old, and am so triggered by being so triggered. What… a… drag…

    Lots of opportunity for upside, yes…

  21.  #21Indigo on March 24, 2015 at 10:58 am


    Thanks. I always get great entertainment out of your posts and they make me smile, I think because of how different we are and I get a lot of joy from observing women who are different from me.

    Funnily enough, you are not the first person to say I have the patience of a saint. Honestly it’s not something I try for or make a special effort for, it’s just the way that I am, and it would be more effort for me *not* to be that way than to be that way. I’m just a really kinda cautious, slow moving person, and things affect me deeply but they tend to move around inside me for a long time before I act on them. I can clearly see how other people can be more hot-headed and go off and just have fun completely by themselves and make an in-the-moment decision to go off when things upset them, and I can sometimes be like that, but not usually. Usually I just need to let things “knock about” inside me for a while. Maybe sounds strange to someone like you, but my answers do come to me in the end, and often they seem very different to the conclusion that someone who was more fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants might have come to.

    In this case, it’s an issue D and I have been grappling with for a long time – like others, like the sleeping in the same bed situation, which recently resolved itself. And no, I certainly did not do something so terrible which could make him logically exclude me from a party. I’m not saying I was faultless either, because I could have handled it better. But really this had to do with D’s issues and fears. It had to do with a period around the time that we broke up – we had many mutual friends and we were appearing at parties not as a couple for the first time. To say that it was awkward would be an extreme understatement. I found it devastating. He was trying to keep a stiff upper lip and I found his behaviour cold. Looking back I think it was, even if he was just trying to cope with the situation. I found it very difficult to see him talking to other women too, even if there was nothing going on. It was a very fragile time for me and we both let our emotions get the better of us. I wouldn’t say there were “scenes”, but close. Anyway, it’s given him a fear of me being at parties with him that he has not until now been able to get past. But we are VERY different people now than we were. Anyway, I took him in hand last night and really insisted that we needed to bury those ghosts. I think I gave him the confidence he needed to move forward. Because I knew what was needed was we just need to create positive new experiences based on who we are NOW, not who we were then.

  22.  #22April Rose on March 24, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Is anyone else utterly wiped out since the eclipse?

    I feel exhausted.

  23.  #23April Rose on March 24, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    I’m sure in part that I have had the stuffing knocked out of me by all the masculine energy that’s coming towards me.

    Or is it my interpretation of it, or resistance to it, that is making me feel so tired?

    I can’t complain. It’s what I asked the Universe for!!!

    Does April Rose need to yield, here, I wonder….

  24.  #24Azure Blu on March 24, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    April Rose,,,
    I had no idea there was a solar eclipse on the Vernal Equinox!! How powerful is that!!!

    I’ve been feeling fairly energetic… for me it feels sooo invigorating to have sooo much daylight!!

  25.  #25Gemini Goddess on March 24, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Indigo 14

    What I’ve learnt, through many experiences like that, is that sometimes those feelings don’t want to shift until they’re ready. They just want to BE. They want to exist. Just let them, and trust that when they’re ready, they’ll move along, and something will happen which will take you to a better place. It’s SO horrible but the more you can give yourself to it, the quicker it passes.

    This is very interesting to me. I tend to feel panicked, and that I’m attracting more of the same when the feeling takes awhile to pass. This feels forgiving and accepting.

  26.  #26Gemini Goddess on March 24, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    oops. Forgot to put quotation marks in there.

  27.  #27Kim on March 24, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    Indigo, yes, I get that…now a question, do you still CD? I am wondering what D would do if he was thinking he might possibly lose you if he didn’t step up…
    It seems to me…as a bystander, that he may be very interested in himself all focus is on him, his fears but maybe he is not focused on relationship/making you happy?
    It’s interesting because whatever you write always has the tone of ‘helping him through fears’, ‘making him feel safe’ about things.
    How do you feel?
    It so reminds me on my MrP time when I was forever focused on how he feels on the tiny little advances we made and I saw them as huge successes.
    Still, in hindsight…IDK. I now have a man who is practically chomping at the bit, jumping through hoops, wanting to sleep in the same bed/same house with me is not even an issue..missing me when he doesn’t hear from ME, running the show…it is SO different and feels so different…I never really have to worry about his fears or having to navigate the basics, because he is always asking for more. I wish that for everybody, all women on this blog.
    I think when it happens, a lot of things become clearer…now, I do not know if he is my forever man, but I surely now know that relationship should not be hard….not in the name of love even.
    It really shouldn’t be this hard, I believe.
    We rub on issues too but those are issues to do with practicalities and our future, and me nit picking.
    I would feel so exhausted by having to navigate the basics like staying in the same bed together…but exactly what I had to do with MrP…he had an issue with everything involving intimacy and closeness, SO exhausting…whoa, I would never want to go back to that….
    I urge you..keep an open mind and an open heart to other men….men who would beg you to join their party…metaphorically and literally speaking.
    I have a feeling that vibe might spur D on to claim you more also…or not….
    I do credit CDing with a lot…and I have to say, as soon as I got clear in my head that it would feel back to go and do stuff with other men, my guy got such a huge wake up call that it turned the whole relationship around…so I am a big fan now 🙂

  28.  #28Susan on March 24, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of years and I love him. But he doesnt spend time with me. Everytime we see each other its to have sex and I feel frustrated because I want to take our relationship further. He leads me to believe that he has feelings for me also but never speaks to me about them and if I ever bring up the subject he changes it. Sorry to make this so long. We had a fight a few days ago in which he told me to leave him alone and I said out of anger that I would never bother him again. But now I miss him and want to reach out. I dont know what to do. I know I’ve been a doormat and have done everything to please him and now I feel angry because I know I deserve more but I love him.

  29.  #29Lovergirl on March 24, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Last night I saw on the swinger website that S and I are both on, that a woman had commented on his profile, saying how awesome he was in bed. It made me feel sick. That kind of stuff did not bother me when we were sleeping together and he was obviously more into me, but right now, it feels awful.

    I vaguely recognized her name so it could even be someone from a long time ago that is just now getting around to commenting. She is married and doubtful any kind of emotional threat. Still, it hurt to read. Guess its my fault for looking.

    I was really bothered by it for awhile but channeled my mind into better feeling thoughts. I allowed myself to be more excited about the new guy, who sent plane tickets to Chicago to my email last night. I’m going on a couple of dates with him this week too. I asked the advice of another male friend, and talking to him always makes me feel better. I decided NOT to mention that I saw the comment, though I’m sure he knows I will.

    Then, surprisingly, at about noon, S called me and asked me to come over to do work with him. He had taken the day off of his regular job. I said it was kind of short notice but I could come in a couple of hours.

    We worked for a couple of hours in his apartment and he was flirty and sweet. He always compliments me when I walk in and he said “what, did you think you were getting paid to come model for me?” when he saw my outfit. I was leaning back, not even really having to try. I just was not feeling like trying to get his attention.

    Then he offered to take me out to eat. He asked where I wanted to go and I said I didn’t have any place in mind. He joked that I would be paying and I said then I guess it will be McDonalds. He pretended to roll his eyes, but he took me out to a nice restaurant and then to a gourmet bakery for cookies. Of course, he paid.

    After that he wanted me to come to Target with him, even though he wasn’t actually buying much. He just wanted to browse storage supplies. When he took me back to his apartment, I didnt even go up, because I said I needed to get back home to my kids, who had just called. He offered a hug this time, so I hugged him goodbye.

    I texted him when I got home that it had felt nice and relaxing spending time with him. He said “I was just thinking the same thing!” I’ve noticed that lately, when I express how I felt with him, that he will say that is how he feels too. Not sure if that is how he really feels or he is just mirroring me, but its kind of interesting. Anyway, it was nice, and I don’t feel any need to push for more with him at this point. I guess I will wait and see if he rows the boat any place or not.

  30.  #30lovetodance on March 24, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    this man who has brought me back to my sensual sexual relating with a man..who is overflowing with love towards me…

    i have so much respect for him…for what he has come through….what he has survived

    and i see the toll it has taken on him…he is not in financial health and his health is probably better than its been but he is overweight and has pain in his body…

    he is a big bear of a man who is so unpretentious and real that it melts my heart…

    i am having to work hard at staying in the present moment and not tripping about the destructiveness of his past…but to see the positiveness of the present for him…

    we are from hugely different backgrounds and yet there is a strong recognition of each others spirit..

    i am feeling scared…scared of hurting him…scared of becoming attached to him…scared of hurting myself…
    i tend, when i like someone to open up so hugely…and pull them in….there is a backlog of loving energy in me…i feel it wanting to gush out…and i working to pacing, managing that in me…

    i love how he holds me…he embraces with all of himself…his hands are so warm and full of love…

    oh my gooodness…i want to embrace that we are lovers and not worry about down the road….we are both grown…very grown….i wonder why we have been presented with each other….given the chances of any human being meeting any other human being…..?

    i don’t want to stop this and yet something is whispering be careful be careful….i don’t want to repeat a pattern of picking the wrong man…i don’t want to repeat taking care of someone’s heart more than mine…..and i don’t want to be the victim of my fears or projections or over-analyzing…

    geesch it is so challenging to be a light hearted human….to be in the moment…to not worry …to let life unfold and trust that all is well….can’t i just have a lover and let it be just swell???!!!

  31.  #31Emerson on March 24, 2015 at 9:38 pm

    hi SLV!! 🙂

  32.  #32Mistea1 on March 24, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    You are all growing in loving and living. Sometimes painful but always moving forward. Kudos to you all.

    Lawguy is buying a new car which gives me the perfect segway to suggest we meet.
    I had a few minutes of nvs but laughed at myself for awfulizing something that may not happen. How silly of me.

  33.  #33Indigo on March 24, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    Kim 27,

    I really do understand what you are saying, both the logic of it and why you are saying it, please don’t think that I don’t. There just is, I’m sorry, more to it than what you’ve said here.

    I am really not doing this only for him, I’m doing it, yes a bit for him, but also in large part for myself. These are about my fears too. It was not simply him who didn’t want to sleep in the same bed. *I* was also more comfortable sleeping in a bed by myself, and *I* grappled with this issue for a long time, conflicted how I felt about it.

    Of course I know what it’s like to have lots of guys wanting me, begging me to spend time with them, I CD’ed for a long time and had a bellyful of this I can assure you. Even now, without wanting to sound arrogant, I have learnt so much of Siren ways that I simply have to turn my mind to the intention of dating and I am flooded with male attention. I simply thought about it last week, and that very same morning my good looking neighbour left a note on my doorstep. I’ve dated, and had guys say they love me, and want to offer me commitment, and had more attention than I could handle, and I found it overwhelming because I did NOT feel the same way about them. I am not someone who can be remotely satisfied in this life *simply* being the object of men’s attention and desire. I am much, much deeper and more complex than that, and the things it takes to make me happy are multi-faceted and subtle. I am sorry but I cannot explain it any better than that.

    This issue about the parties was not simply about D’s fears. It was about mine. I was not doing it for him alone. I was doing it because these are insecurities that I need to bury, this is something *I* want to put behind me.

    And yes, D has known in the past of me dating, and it has made him jealous – very sometimes – but in the end it really wasn’t about him. I don’t have my heart set on D being the one if that is not to be. I will go wherever my heart and my journey takes me.

  34.  #34Emerson on March 24, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    It is so funny, I’ve noticed 2 coworkers flirting with me and giving me attention and “the look”…..I love it and I’m just revelling in the attention!! I actually find them both attractive and it’s fun to see them gravitate to me when I’m just leaning back and doing my own thing…

    One of them in particular I feel so attached to and attracted to ….he is so kind and sweet…

    CuteCityCD and I have been in touch again ( I leaned forward, I am feeling bored and needy for physical attention!)….he says he really wants to see me…so we shall see…
    Maybe I can just make him my man snack…
    That’s what I need right now…

  35.  #35Sami Wunder on March 25, 2015 at 2:30 am

    # 28. Susan

    I really hear your confusion. I´ve been there myself and I can help you.

    I am a Rori Raye trained coach and I have some ideas and tips that can support you quickly.

    If you like, you can talk to me personally for a free discovery session. Just click on my name here on the blog and it should take you to my website.

    Love, Sami

  36.  #36Sophie on March 25, 2015 at 2:39 am

    30 – lovetodance – I so hear you – oh how I would love for it all to feel (and be) simple and easy.

    My energy feels a lot softer today than yesterday and I have left my sanctuary and will go out dancing tonight which I will enjoy. I never really dance with anyone else – I just go and feel the music and move and it does my soul good.

    I sent an email to Confused CD today because I felt that my responses were curt and off key yesterday but now I’m feeling like ugh is that leaning forward and emotionally spewing. I don’t know I just want to clear bad energy and it felt right at the time. Now I’m all like was that all non-rori and shouldn’t I have done it…

    I would love validation from someone that it was okay ha ha but I guess I’m not going to know until I know how I feel about however he responds. There genuinely was no leany forward motivation energy in it – it was just I’d turned what had been nice times between us, into rubbishy things in my head and I’m sure that was transferred yesterday in words and energy. I just wanted to clear the air…

    We shall see…everything is but an experiment after all

  37.  #37Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 3:16 am

    Susan 28,

    There was so much that I thought when I read your post. There are so many things that you can do. I would highly recommend that you go over to Dominique’s site and also Leigha Lake’s site The other RR coaches are great too.

    Just purely from your post, may I make the following suggestions:

    * Are you initiating contact? If so, stop. Let him do that. As hard as it may be, wait for him to come to you.
    * Stop talking about the relationship and how you feel about him. Stop chasing him down for a relationship.
    * Stop fighting. Just make a commitment to no more fighting. Decide that you are not a woman who needs to fight to get what she wants. Instead, learn to speak in feeling messages.
    * Make lists of things you love to do, that are self-caring and that feel good. Get used to the feeling of the focus being on you and feeling good.

    There’s so much more detail in the sites I mentioned, I think you would get so much benefit from reading the articles.

  38.  #38Kim on March 25, 2015 at 4:55 am

    Indigo – I get it. I don’t think it is healhy for anyone to have their health esteem anchored to men, and them offering dates and commitment etc, totally with you there.
    I merely suggested it as a way of changing the vibe…less analysing and less being in his head and more distraction, but you are right, this doesn’t always work.
    I am convinced that men instincticely know when we are so invested in them that no other man will do, and I am also convinced that it’s nkt something good….I notice this even with me and my relationship, and heck, he talks about marriage and is moving in next month so there is no question about commitment here….
    He moans when I do stuff with other people, but at the same time this is when he feels spurred on to make me his – I think?
    And, honestly, I am not closing off my other options completely until I have the relationship/marriage I want…that will only create resentment later on as in ‘I wasted my time with a guy who never wanted the same thing as me’.
    I also believe it is all about us….and about what we believe we deserve etc.
    I just can’t imagine trying to get blood out of stone anymore, and although I am totally in awe how you handle those situations, that is how your posts often sound…to me anyway. The bottom line is, if it makes you happy, then it’s all good! xo

  39.  #39Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 5:03 am


    “I just can’t imagine trying to get blood out of stone anymore, and although I am totally in awe how you handle those situations, that is how your posts often sound…to me anyway.”

    I understand. I think some of my friends and family would feel exactly the same way. All I can say is, I’m not closing off my other options, and I AM doing what makes me happy. And I don’t feel any rush or urgency inside to need to be claimed or belong to someone or lifelong commitment just yet… maybe that will come. I’m sure it will. I’m fine, I promise 🙂

  40.  #40Kim on March 25, 2015 at 5:09 am

    I have a conundrum too….my ex from many years ago, best relationship ever, contacted me. He is married now and I have not seen him in 10 years at least….he is planning a solo holiday here (we live on different continents).
    I don’t understand, I thought he was happily married….and now I looked at his fb, I see that for over a hear, he has only posted stuff he has done with mates, not the wife.
    I asked him and he totally evaded my question.
    He asked me to be a tour guide….he will pay for everything.
    I love this guy, he is the best man ever….and his morals are (or at least were) saintly…..he would NEVER cheat on his wife. I know that.
    I have no idea what happened, and I don’t know whether this is even going to happen, but apparently he booked leave for October already…
    What do I say to MoM?
    I would love to be his tour guide lol…but MoM will NOT be impressed…that much I know!

  41.  #41Kim on March 25, 2015 at 5:10 am

    What do I do if it happens?

  42.  #42Kim on March 25, 2015 at 5:12 am

    I have to say that when we met again 10 years ago, we hit it off immediately and attraction was sizzling but we just about managed to control ourselves lol…that was just one day…I am imagining two weeks might be a different story…

  43.  #43Azure Blu on March 25, 2015 at 5:15 am

    Indigo #480- last thread-
    Darling Siren…
    Thank you soooo much for sharing your interaction with D regarding the “party” disconnect!!!
    Brava… Brilliant!!!
    I pasted and copied that whole thing…
    Sooo excellent… You had gotten to a place
    where you were no longer as anxious
    about the subject…
    you listened to him…
    gently guided you both back
    and included him on a solution to have
    it work for BOTH of you!!!
    Mmmmmm…. you are a Rori Toolsmith!!

  44.  #44Azure Blu on March 25, 2015 at 5:26 am

    you hot, sexy siren…
    You’re Cd’s keep you forever “gently on their mind”!
    I’d say… October is a long way away…
    maybe share with him your situation with MoM…
    the guy in the other country is a big boy… he’ll be fine whatever you decide in Oct…

  45.  #45Sophie on March 25, 2015 at 5:39 am

    left the security of the sanctuary and did leaning forward email contact with another man – wtf???? have I just gone on self-destruct? maybe…want to go home now 🙁

  46.  #46Azure Blu on March 25, 2015 at 5:54 am

    Welll… Sirens…
    2 weeks of LOTS of time together and intense closeness with Spirit… more than ever before…
    Mmmmm… sooo yummy and
    I was able to stay close…
    share my feelings…
    and let the good things happen…
    and NO nit picking from ME!!!

    sooo… now he has pulled back…
    I textd him on Sun. about my walk in the park…
    usually he’ll text right back…
    Nope… He usually doesn’t let more than 2 days go by without contact…Wed. morning and nothing
    I am watching my feelings and reactions…
    NV… me thinkin’ something happened during our last date…
    (we had an awesome time)
    He’s changed his mind…
    He ONLY likes the chase… now that I’m NOT Cding
    he’s not interested…

    It is VERY scary for ME to NOT CD…
    It is VERY easy not to panic when I am dating others.
    This is sooo good for me to practice the
    next step in relationship…
    Sitting with ME and MY feelings…
    and LETTING Spirit take a step back..
    Me still leaning back, keeping my heart unzipped.
    and Living MY full, wonderful life…
    AND taking CARE of ALLLLL the things *I* need to do to make sure I show ME How much
    I LOVE ME!!!
    Paying bills on time, getting my work projects done
    on time… house organizing, cleaning, painting,
    tango dances, learning Italian,
    friends and family!
    I LOVE you feelings of
    invisible, unlovable, unworthy…
    so close to my heart… we can do this together…
    come sit here with me this morning…
    What do you need from me?

  47.  #47Starla on March 25, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Lovergirl, I have been thinking about you. You are such a sweet and desirable personality so you may not feel it when you’re leaning forward, but i see it happening a lot with you and s. I really believe s could be your forever man IF you lean back completely and work with a rr coach. I am loving leigha, but i think anyone could help you. I personally do not think s is a lost cause.

  48.  #48Kim on March 25, 2015 at 6:55 am

    Awww Azure…sorry to hear he did a mini-pullback…but love how you immediately get back to you loving you 🙂
    I just went for a long run, and a lot of thoughts swirl around in my head…mostly I was thinking about Indigo and D and a couple of my friend’s experience with ambivalent men.. my MrP experience and now the experience I have with my MoM…and one thing now seems crystal clear to me.

    Men are much more logical and refreshingly honest/simple in their approach, issues or not, fears or not, commitmentphobia or not (MoM did display commitmentphobia in the beginning…he wanted a monogamous relationship but did not act like it at all).
    If they see you as their forever woman, they will try….if they see you as a companion for fun/sex/passing time as and when suits then they will try to keep that status quo. I would, too.
    I do not believe for one moment that by giving all our heart to one man, give him companionship, sex, and understanding and sweetness even if he happens to do something hurtful, that a man will ever be inspired to give up his freedom.
    At least I never saw it.
    I know 100% that if I sat at home waiting for MoM to contact me, or cried all day about something he did, even he would never step up…in fact, he’d pull away further….
    the reason why they do (mostly?) is because they feel compelled to make us his….a man can nkt feel compelled when he knows we are his already with no effort, and always available for plans he might make…
    I don’t even think this needs to mean CDing necessarily…..I think this means being a high value woman, with plenty of interests, hobbies, standards and just doing her own sweet thing….which does not involve sitting at home waiting to hear from him and wondering what he is doing when we don’t….I had to fake this for quite some time lol. Now I am an expert on enjoying my life and not caring what he does…..mostly.

    I think when the dynamic shifts to HIM startign to wonder what we are doing, and with whom, and why we are not available or glued to the phone, or constantly thinking about him (the vibe the vibe), that this is when a man feels turned on, or wanting to make a woman his, provided that he wants her….then of course there are men who can’t take things further because of issues they are not willing to heal…but it’s always good to find that out sooner rather than

    I can only say if I was a man, and I was getting absolutely everything I wanted already, knew the woman instead of going out having fun without ME would wait until I felt like seeing her or just generally knew she would never leave me whatever I did, I would not feel compelled to step up either….because there is nothing to gain from it.
    It’s simple.
    Men are pretty simple lol…they only do what they want to….

    For what it’s worth, I believe always moving and expanding, learning and doing, and cultivating ones own life, friends, ativities and yes, if wanted lovers/dates/menfriends, can only be an advantage especially for a relationship…I think when we act like we have the perfect life and would be fine without him, but happier with him, a man will always step up, provided he sees us as his foreve woman…and if he doesn’t, why waste time with him anyway?

    I have this amazing friend, she is in a live-in relationship and still dates other men…..friendly, not sexual…she is even a little disfigured by a birtth defect….I can NOT even tell you how many times guys fall over themselves for this girl….she has had numerous proposals…why? Because she is very wrapped up with making her own life and herself happy, and the guys run to her – she has an amazing boyfriend too….
    Quite the inspiration where here so many people are obsessed with perfect beauty…just goes to show, it’s all about our mental attitude and loving ourselves and putting ourselves do find this irresistible.
    I am still working on that lol

  49.  #49Lotus on March 25, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Urgh.. heavy emotions came up today around the H… I feel some hesitancy about a divorce. I still feel love for him, and feel remnants of him in my heart, my head (memories) and my skin and body. It is particularly hard since he has woken up from his ‘sleepwalk into despair’ and wants me to the full extent that i wished for.

    I was packing an affair book that I sold online, ready to send. I couldn’t help but read back on a few pages, as if I was looking out for the ‘go ahead and leave’ information or the ‘when to try again’ pointers. I felt the lingering ashes of when I was holding onto the books for an emotional plaster. There were aha moments of why my H failed – that he didn’t have the tools to open up and be honest, to face up to his feelings until crisis point.

    I feel pity and compassion for him, I know I can make things better again, I want to rescue him… and then I hold a big STOP sign up for myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. But there is the what if??

    I have been crying curled up on the floor, and then picking myself back up and journalling.. and then what appeared was my fantasy and reality with Mr AM is so much better than the fantasy and reality with the H. A naturally happy man of integrity versus an emotionally damaged man who is not comfortable in his own skin. Mr AM is like the opposite of my H, it is very refreshing, yet I don’t want to keep making comparisons.

    I still have the words of a psychic telling me my heart is still with the H and that emotional satisfaction is possible with him. And I am bugged by it.

    My friend tells me I need to have no contact with the H so that I can get clear, that he is manipulating me with his emotions and that I still need alone time to heal, away from the distraction of Mr AM. I told her I have dealt with the H and I am healing with ample time on my own as well as having fun with new guy. I realise so many gf’s are quick to advise, display masculine traits… I know she’s right in some way.. and I have been thinking do I need some time off with Mr AM.. but it is feeling really ok and enjoyable..

    And sometimes I do feel there is such fun and comfort with Mr AM, it could be distracting me from the pain I need to feel to finish off the grieving process and clear out the residue of H.

    Sometimes I think Mr AM is there to stop me from giving the H another chance. Today I wanted to contact the H to tell him I still love him and ask him what does it mean to him to have another chance, and then I stop myself. I would feel weak for reaching out, after all the work I’ve done. I would feel dishonour to myself for letting him come back to me.

    I have left the burning coals under my feet, but still feel the scars… of course… and here is a man who kisses my feet. I do feel a calling to walk into the cooling ocean and be alone for a bit.. and see what emerges.

    Yet I don’t want to press pause. I like the man suggesting, asking to meet, and the natural feeling of my doing a bit of the same… and coming together to enjoy each other’s company.

  50.  #50Lotus on March 25, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Kim – I absolutely agree, there is nothing more alluring about a woman to a man who has her own life, her passions that fill her day, and self-care and love for herself.
    I had to fake the busy-ness last year when with DP and felt needy and yearning for him to fill my life up. He knocked me over when he said ‘I’m not going to be in your pocket, I’m not going to be there every week to see you.’ That was massive wake-up call for me.

    And now since better things have emerged for my working life, I don’t need to pretend and feel so much more balanced and enigmatic around Mr AM.

    In fact I spent a lot of time healing, rebalancing but I couldn’t really share with this DP… and I realised I needed to have more interesting things to talk about, beyond going for a run or visiting a friend or watching a film. I had lost the exciting lifestyle I used to have being a passionate designer.

  51.  #51Azure Blu on March 25, 2015 at 7:22 am

    Kim… I LOVE what you are sharing on the blog these days…
    You sound soo happy and grounded…
    and Sireny!!!

    Yes, the gentle reminder about
    NOT rushing into Spirits arms when he does contact me…
    I am DOING MY life better than EVER before!!!

    I can feel ME wanting to Control… ME… HIM…
    go back to my old self… Please go back…
    the NEW way… I feel so WEAK…
    Wow… so interesting…
    temper tantrum…
    lots of anger…
    I need to sit on the floor and explore this…

  52.  #52Labbit on March 25, 2015 at 7:26 am

    46 Azure Blu — I have a feeling that for a little while, Spirit is going to pull back frequently. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s going to want to keep taking time for himself and checking in with his feelings to see if he wants to move forward or not. There’s nothing you can do to affect this man-process 😉 he’s going through and worrying about it is only going to make your own life harder.

    I LOVE that you’re focusing on you. Forget about him for now, as much as you can. Be confident in yourself and your attractiveness and know that you are a catch, highly desirable and don’t need to chase or work for any man’s attention in a desperate way. Kim is so right, keep up with your passions and make today like a holiday. Go out, have FUN and do things that make you happy!!

    48 Kim — I love all of this! Especially this part:
    “I don’t even think this needs to mean CDing necessarily…..I think this means being a high value woman, with plenty of interests, hobbies, standards and just doing her own sweet thing….which does not involve sitting at home waiting to hear from him and wondering what he is doing when we don’t….I had to fake this for quite some time lol. Now I am an expert on enjoying my life and not caring what he does…..mostly.

    I think when the dynamic shifts to HIM starting to wonder what we are doing, and with whom, and why we are not available or glued to the phone, or constantly thinking about him (the vibe the vibe), that this is when a man feels turned on, or wanting to make a woman his, provided that he wants her….then of course there are men who can’t take things further because of issues they are not willing to heal…but it’s always good to find that out sooner rather than”

    Yes yes YES. You are so spot on and this is a great reminder. I go though ebbs and flows of this; feeling so great and into my own life for awhile, and then feeling needy and panicky for a short time for reasons I don’t really understand (nor do I need to).

    There is a balance to strike between not caring because we accept him fully, and not caring because we just don’t care. For me I’m still trying to balance that all with caring TOO much at times, LOL. The push-pull of our energies.

  53.  #53Lotus on March 25, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Rori – I love this post and want to shape up my boy so my girl can be braver with her heart!

    ‘What if your making a difference in the world was simply about you finding more peace within you?’

    ‘Would you breathe more?’ I would breathe more, smile more, relax more, have more fun, lead from the heart more, knowing my boy is leading the way and making sure things get done, that I get up on time, get to places, tick off things on my list, stick to my decisions, believe in him.

    ‘Would you look on other people with compassion?’ I try to find compassion for everyone but sometimes it is hard. My boy tells me to be more sympathetic and be more tolerant and smile, my girl feels a bit irked and impatient, I have been a caregiver in so many situations, I want people to take care of me too.

    ‘Would you look on yourself with love and compassion?’ I try.. I try, I give myself time to process my emotions, I soak my body into baths and journal my thoughts, I try to be tender to myself. But it is hard not to beat myself up when I feel lazy getting up in the mornings. I want my boy to create the juice and pizazz for me to jump out of bed!!

    ‘What would you do if you could save yourself, save the world?’
    If I could save myself, I would sprout such huge expansive wings, I would pick up my elderly dad and buy a suitable home for him, I would feel at peace with my marriage or divorce, I would feel more peaceful about a new relationship, my decisions in general. I would feel more peaceful enveloping myself in my own loving wings. I would feel my heart more, I would be braver about expressing my feelings. I want to have a family. I want to give my father a grandchild before he dies, I want him to see me succeed before he dies, and so I would relax more around love, and surrender more…. I would be less in my head.

    The girl would simple feel/express and the boy would lead in walking through with the decisions, hand in hand. A symbiotic relationship. This is what’s happening now but it would be to the power of 10 if I have more peace.

    If I could save the world, I would greatly inspire the most impoverished children and women to lead, I would raise their aspirations through her hands and hearts, show them what’s possible through creativity and self-belief. I would have no fear in giving the whole of my heart in interactions, no fear of rejection if I seem to be too excited or forthcoming.

    If I feel more peace, I would be able to connect the dots more, I would feel more connected through my heart to the world. I would feel less gaps.

  54.  #54Susan on March 25, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Thank you so much for the feedback. I have been talking to him in feeling messages but he pulls away and shuts down on me switching the conversation to sometging like work or anything having to do with his success. I feel frustrated but normally just let it go because I dont want him to not come back. And I do always initiate contact. See when we met I didnt care if we never became serious and we have never spoken about where our relationship is going. Until I fell in love with him and told him so but he didnt reply. Just left without a word and I didnt here from him until I contacted him days later. I havent made any contact with him in the last few days but I’m scared to lose him.

  55.  #55Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 8:01 am

    Mm Azure Blu, I feel flattered 🙂

    I am so glad if it helped you. And yes, I have learnt that the key to communicating with a man is to be in control of your emotions, and not them be in control of you.

  56.  #56Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 8:12 am

    Kim 48,

    I agree with much of what you say here, not all. And that is kind of why I wish you would stop holding up my relationship with D as an example of a woman who is wrapped up in an ambivalent man. It just isn’t the case. I live by myself and am extremely contented on my own and I love my life. I have male friends I see on a regular basis and I feel that I am very self-contained and contented in my life. I have many things which I love and which occupy my time, and I know that should I choose, I could have plenty of male attention. D is just who makes me happy right now. If he does not turn out to be the one then I know my life will unfold as it is meant to. So please PLEASE stop.

  57.  #57Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Sorry Kim, but I just feel very triggered by the constant references to me and D when you are making your point. It’s not an accurate reflection of my relationship with him.

  58.  #58Kath on March 25, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Hey Sirens, I am loving all the amazing things I am feeling from reading these posts. I would value your advice- I have had an amazing couple of weeks with R and really feel as though both of us have started to make changes which will enrich our lives. I am still struggling though with a huge, I mean enormous trigger that I have incredible difficulty dealing with. He has a female friend whom he is very close to- does everything with apart from sex (although they were intimate a long time ago) I have never liked her, don’t trust her and don’t get a good feeling from her. Other friends of his have warned me about what she’s like and can’t understand why he’s so close with her. The thing is as soon as we ended our relationship six months ago and I moved out, he rekindled his friendship with her, has bought her expensive presents (a pair of leather biker trousers, paid for her on nights out and to go away for weekends). I have now discovered that he has paid for her and him to go on a week’s holiday to Portugal in July (he doesn’t know that I know) and I am struggling with this knowledge. I know I should ignore it-be focussed on he and I and not be judgemental but I am soo triggered!!- HELP!!!!!!!- I don’t want to ruin things again!

  59.  #59Lovergirl on March 25, 2015 at 8:34 am

    @58 Kath-

    I don’t really know your story with this man but I am having a hard time believing this is something you should “ignore” or that it is just a “trigger”. A week long vacation? Um, even if they aren’t having sex (which is suspect since they did in the past), if he chose to go with her instead of you, it would feel pretty awful. Like, bad enough that I would be very quickly looking for men who wanted to take ME on vacations and quickly move him to a backburner.

  60.  #60Lovergirl on March 25, 2015 at 8:38 am

    @47 Starla-

    Thank you. I do feel like I am struggling still with leaning forward, but I am working on doing it LESS. I’m making SOME progress anyway. I would love to work with a coach but am pretty broke. I know some of them do free first sessions, but I am sure I would need more than that, being its a complicated situation. I may try to save up for a couple, or at least to get one of the programs other than just the ebook and book I have so far.

  61.  #61Femininewoman on March 25, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Kim this sounds so familiar in your history. Is it you?

    Like you were with or engaged to some other guy when Mr.P turned up and you broke with the other guy and went to Mr. P who ultimately became a Mr. Unavailable. Is this the same lesson showing up again?

  62.  #62Femininewoman on March 25, 2015 at 8:55 am

    Kath my question is how did you find out? If it is snooping, then the question to ask yourself is why would you need to? Long story short, you are now holding a secret which is one of the main things that destroy relationships. I believe it is best to discuss it with him and take responsibility for your in part in how you found out and now how the knowledge is making you feel. You have no reason to be angry with this man as you have been making your decisions about how to interact with him thus. Do you have a commitment with each other not to hold secrets? If not then maybe it is something to consider. If he has a secret, now you have one and you are both holding out on each other. In my humble opinion it is time for honesty and reviewing the relationship and your commitments. Make or break moment.

  63.  #63Femininewoman on March 25, 2015 at 9:00 am

    Indigo/Kim – I have to admit I have been feeling intrigued and challenged by what Kim has been saying but have been holding off on commenting because I suspect Indigo would not be happy, now I see that I was not totally off.

    Indigo I would suggest just looking for what good might be in those comments and see if there is a nugget that might help propel you even further forward. I don’t think the comments are totally off. There is always a new normal we can create or a better place to allow ourselves to land in.

    Best to you dear siren.

  64.  #64Femininewoman on March 25, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Kim they can know when you are invested, yes, that no other man will do. However, this I believe can be flipped so that a woman is invested in her happiness so she can let the man know she has deep feelings for him but will take another man if he is willing to help her achieve her life’s dreams and visions. Such as marriage. I believe Rori’s friend Virginia Clark is an example of such. As Rori one said men are champs at dragging things out so I don’t believe there is anything wrong with a woman putting herself out there even if she is invested. The difference is when you halfheartedly put yourself out there so you really can’t connect with another. In my view it is a love blog you put on yourself.

  65.  #65Azure Blu on March 25, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Kim & Labbit…
    Thank you for your thoughtful, inspiring comments!!!

    The funny thing is… IF Spirit were NOT taking space…
    IT would be ME… My capacity for closeness (getting better since RR) is very limited.
    Because HE is taking the space
    of course,
    I get scared and pinning…
    Because I WANT to be the ONE taking the space!!
    Ahhh, Azure Blu…. You are lovely, adorable Siren and the PRIZE… that is one of the MANY reasons
    I LOVE YOU!!!

  66.  #66Sami Wunder on March 25, 2015 at 9:31 am

    # 58 Kath, I would SO love to help you with this.

    Other Women is my area of expertise from my own relationship experience. My wonderful husband had some “very close” girlfriends too and it didn´t feel good to me either.

    A week long vacation with another woman would make me feel very uncomfortable.

    And while snooping is bad, a part of me, if I´m very honest, feels glad when my clients get to know this kind of stuff in advance and before they have invested themselves fully in men who are not themselves fully at the place where a man should be – when you are his one and only!

    You can talk to me personally if you like – I am under Rori´s training and offering one free session right now to all women who come to me, so you might want to take advantage of that 🙂 Hope to speak to you. Love, Sami

  67.  #67Kath on March 25, 2015 at 9:40 am

    Lovergirl- thank you for your message. Their friendship was close long before I came on the scene and I knew her (socially) before I met him and didn’t like her then. The way he has treated her and behaved with her made me insecure and angry before and was one of the reasons I lost trust in him and didn’t think he really loved me, although he did stop seeing her because he knew my feelings about her. Since we broke up though, their friendship seems to have been rekindled, and he has reverted back to paying for everything, which is exactly what he did before. He has even “lent” her his motorbike because she can’t afford to get hers fixed!-
    FW- I do value your wise words, and yes, I should tell him that his brother has told me about the holiday, but I really think it should come from him. He has already asked me how will I cope with his friendship with her and I said, truthfully, that she was his friend and it had nothing to do with me. My honest feeling is, that I shouldn’t allow it to bother me. He booked the holiday before we started seeing each other again and for me to raise it an an issue would only distance him again and give him an excuse to blame me for the demise of the relationship again. What I feel I will do this time though is not put all my eggs in this basket and allow other options to come along and to make it clear to him what I want in a man and in a relationship. If he wants me then he is the one who has to make the changes, pushing buttons will not make a better relationship.

  68.  #68Kath on March 25, 2015 at 9:41 am

    Thank you Sami- I would really appreciate your help with this. xx

  69.  #69Kath on March 25, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Sami, I can’t find your details- how can I contact you?

  70.  #70Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 10:07 am


    Thanks, that is a very good point. I felt triggered in the moment and later realised maybe I didn’t give Kim’s observations the full consideration I could have. Guess I felt a little homed in on, and I don’t like that, because my conversation with D on Monday night actually made me pretty happy. But I realised I could always benefit from putting more focus on me and my life, and what I love to do, and less on him. And that, to Kim’s credit, is a really great point.

  71.  #71Sami Wunder on March 25, 2015 at 10:57 am

    # Kath, just click on my name here on the blog.

    It is linked to my website and will take you there directly 🙂

  72.  #72Labbit on March 25, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Femininewoman, can I just say how I love that you tell us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear? Your bravery consistently inspires me and I’m so happy to have your voice here. 🙂

  73.  #73Mistea1 on March 25, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Lotus 53

    My dear girl, you must be feeling like you are tying youself into a real knot here. So sorry.

    I have something to write out of my heart too. Some (you) may not like this but here goes. This is where to come from integrity. One of the reasons for curling up on the floor is you have betrayed yourself big time. Your body is telling you it doesn’t like it. It is saying you need to get your big girl panties on with the right side out. Not inside out and both legs through one hole!

    In some cultures marriage is seen as a sacred undertaking. Therefore we owe ourselves, our partner and the third party the marriage itself the respect and dignity of fixing the problem before considering other people. It’s too crazy making (as you are finding out) to try and bring another man/men into the mix until the descision is made, the divorce done, and at least one year has passed and you are stable in your new life.

    Or you may decide to stay. Get counseling, therapy for at least yourself. Don’t bring another man into this situation. It is not fair to you, to your husband, the marriage, or another man to behave in any other way. This is the best way to honor yourself and treat yourself with compassion, honesty, dignity, care, love, and respect.

    I am not giving advice here as this is what I did about my marriage and should in no way be construed as instructions by me on what to do. Please take it as an example. Love to you.

  74.  #74Gemini Goddess on March 25, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    My Current Challenge

    There is a massive trigger that has been emerging and is now quite apparent. I can see how the tardiness problem was not just a stand-alone issue, but also part of something much deeper. I’m doing some sloppy processing here since I find others stories so helpful. This is NOT a refined entry, and I will be talking to Dominique.

    When we are together alone we have an excellent time full of fun and bonding moments. When we are together and he has other friends around and/or business and tasks to do, I feel invisible, left-out and abandoned. This is part me, and part his actions.

    He is self-admittedly incapable of focusing on more than one thing at a time, so when he’s in business brain, and/or hanging out with friends brain, he just doesn’t think to check in with me/ be very attentive and affectionate. I understand and can take it to a point, but only to a point. In addition to his own make-up, I think maybe he was not “trained” well by his ex? In these situations, I do NOT want to feel like I’m chasing him around for attention (it feels pathetic, gets the water wheel going the wrong way, trains for more of the same, and makes me ANGRY – thus work to be done by me, for me). It’s REALLY HARD to impossible to lean back when this is happening. So it’s a “me” trigger, and a “him” action combo.

    Here are examples (of which there are many more):

    He has recently purchased a beautiful rental beach house with another couple. There are many renovations being made, and business to discuss. I TOTALLY understand. Plus, this is what he does, run businesses and invest in properties. Here’s an example of where it breaks down for me. One weekend we were all there together (D and I and his partners). It had been a long day of business. I knew this in advance and felt like a third wheel for the most part, BUT it was understandable. I went to a downstairs room to occupy myself with a book until they were done. He knew this was the case and that I was waiting. An hour or so passed. I’m being so patient (not really). There was an incredible sunset. I just had to go upstairs to tell them. I went upstairs and… they were done and all already outside on lounge chairs, with wine(!) watching the sunset… without me. He hadn’t even THOUGHT to come get me. All d*mned day I’m patient and then this? When I told him how much this hurt he totally understood and was devastated. He cares very much. He just doesn’t THINK of it(me) in the moment. Ouch.

    Another time, again at the beach house with different friends who I really like, and no business, we’re all checking out a cool little inlet with tall craggy rocks. I heard his friends wife say they were heading back, and I heard D say okay. Instead of chasing along, I purposefully held back in my position that was not visible to any of them. I looked at this as training a clueless guy, like when Rori talks about falling on the ground and just sitting there. I leaned back my very best by checking out ice plant and other foliage growing in cracks, striations in the rocks etc. D left with them. He came back 15 minutes later looking me. Yes, I was watching the clock. Not very leaned back, but I did manage to stay (ok… appear) calm and keep looking at the plants. He was all bunched up and irritated about why I hadn’t come with them and that he couldn’t find me. I said I didn’t know they had gone (not true), that I had been there the whole time (true), and why hadn’t he come to get ME if he was leaving? The conversation was not a clean RR example of communication to be sure, but I was conscious throughout, and trying to choose words.

    Later, the situation with the sunset happened…again, to a lesser degree. I was in the kitchen and heard him suggested in the other room that they all take their beers and go on the deck to watch the sunset. Didn’t come to get me, and this after the other incident months earlier. I KNOW it wasn’t on purpose, just clueless. As part of my attempt to train a clueless guy and lean back I did not follow, thinking he would notice and come fetch me. I started cooking. When he did not come back and I felt myself getting ANGRY I went and took a shower until I calmed down. I never said anything about it.

    We have a weekend planned in April at the beach house. The thought is to have another couple stay in the guest bedroom, and have a party Saturday night. I like the idea in *theory*, but given this issue I’m having, I’m frankly bracing myself, and trying to figure out what to do.

    There are many more examples, and not all involving the beach house. We’ve talked about it in calm ways mostly, and have had good bonding conversations, but it keeps happening in different ways and I’m kind of at my “solo processing” wits end. I don’t how to A. Make it stop happening (“train” him like the sweet clueless guy? ) B. Accept it and not get so triggered and mad, mad, mad when it does happen C. Manage myself when I AM triggered by this (My reactions scare me and are reminding me why I married my ex, a man who never triggered me). D. Discuss it productively. Like I mentioned, I’m making an appointment to talk to Dominique. It’s like she said in her recent Deep Triggers article, everything else about him and the relationship is so amazing, and there’s this ONE theme that is just killing me.

  75.  #75Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    @31: Emerson says:
    hi SLV!! 🙂

    Hi Emerson! I like your gravatar… so cute. I’m not here often and I noticed that my gravatar has completely disappeared! so maybe I’ll look to put something else up.

    I hope all is well and you’re meeting great guys.


  76.  #76Lotus on March 25, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    Mistea – thank you for writing to me from you heart. I appreciate it and understand what you are writing about. However, this is not the case, there are few times when I’ve been crying on the floor, on my knees or foetal-like because of my grief, because of the heartbreak and loss I was simply feeling. The rawness had to break through. The H’s affair and betrayal was like a chord being ripped from my body.

    I see that the day my H started an affair, he already broke his vows… over and over again. And yes I broke mine last year, consciously as my marriage was dead. I was a wife without a husband.

    Technically I’m still married, yet I don’t feel I’m betraying myself. I am not expecting anyone to hold me, but myself. I know you are not judging me, and like you say you are writing from your story, yet at the same time as I share myself on this blog, I feel uncomfortable to be told I’m betraying myself.

    I also believe marriage is sacred, I was raised Catholic, and yet I have spoken to a priest who wants to guide me towards annulment. I agree dating has been premature for me in wanting to explore new things. With what I’ve gone through, I simply don’t have a marriage anymore, and the divorce will be the death of it.

    You are right, there needs to be finality either way. I need to cut the final chord, put ink to paper, no more delay, but all in my own time. I’m sure there are women on here who can say that they transitioned from marriage to another happy relationship, although this is not my plan. I know it’s not the norm, it’s certainly not for the faint-hearted.

  77.  #77Liquid Light on March 25, 2015 at 2:58 pm


    If I were you, I would be very concerned about his “friend”. Anytime a man pays for a woman, that’s a dead giveaway that he thinks of her (or wants to think of her) as more than a friend.

    You have every right to be concerned about this. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying that he has romantic interest in another woman.

    If I were you, I’d look out for number one and get out there and CD ASAP. And not take him very seriously because I’m sorry to say from what you’ve shared here, it doesn’t sound like he’s taking your relationship that seriously.

    Just my two cents.

  78.  #78Gemini Goddess on March 25, 2015 at 3:07 pm


    Thank you so much for the details of your conversation. It is so helpful and inspiring.


    I can totally relate to your discomfort, and I’m so sorry you have to go through that. My heart goes out to you. I know this may not be the case for everyone, but his continuing a relationship with her would be a clear deal breaker for me, especially with the history.

  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on March 25, 2015 at 3:18 pm


    Big hug {{{Susan}}}


  80.  #80April Rose on March 25, 2015 at 3:48 pm


    “He has already asked me how will I cope with his friendship with her and I said, truthfully, that she was his friend and it had nothing to do with me.”

    Be truthful with your feelings. No?
    How else can a man trust us?

    So far you have swept this under the carpet, even when he asked you outright if you would cope with his friendship with this woman.

    I see where you were coming from, in your statement above. Trying to ‘rock star’ it and stay out of ‘his’ business.

    I say this IS your business.

    If it were me I would come up with a script along the lines of “I’ve been feeling my way through the question you asked me the other day – about your friendship with {?}. I want to be honest with you. It makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. I feel turned off when a man I am involved with spends money and time on another woman. It makes it very difficult for me to be open and vulnerable with you, especially sexually.”

    And then see what he comes up with.

    The key here is to express how it makes you feel. No agenda, no trying to make him create an outcome.

    Just be willing to walk away (in your own mind, I mean. No need to say it out loud) from any man who isn’t giving you the relationship you want.

  81.  #81Mistea1 on March 25, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Lotus 76,

    Good assessment Lotus, you will make it through this.

    For sure it’s not for the faint hearted!

  82.  #82Lotus on March 25, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Mistea – 81
    Thank you.

    Something I read today sheds light on what I’ve been feeling which I will summarise like this: ‘Our memories play tricks on us, but never our intuition. As time passes, we can let go of the negative memories while hanging onto to any positive ones’.

    As I feel more forgiveness, my heart is more compassionate, and I am forgetting the bad things more, I seem to have to remind myself of the bad things so as not to be drawn back into the cracked shell of my relationship.

  83.  #83Silver-Tongued Siren on March 25, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    I am still in the middle of moving things!

    Last night I was with Avocado – we were supposed to talk about some “important” things, and though we did get together, he had just gotten back to town and we got together kind of late (having to switch venues at last minute also), that we didn’t have enough time to talk, so we plan to get together on the weekend.

    While we were getting ice cream, we talked about how his birthday is coming up. I asked him what he wants to do for his birthday. He said he doesn’t know. I told him if he wants to do anything I need his help because I don’t know what he wants. 🙂 He said I should go drink tequila for him and tell him about it the next day. He feels like he’s getting old and has accomplished nothing! He seems so frustrated and depressed about it.

    I asked if he wanted to come with me somewhere, and he was reluctant because of needing to wake so early. I told him if he needed to go, he should go. He didn’t want to leave but said he thought I’d kidnap him. I gave him my keys, and he was ready to go – lol!

    I took him to a magical place, down by the water and the trees. The moon was out, the stars were out, it was pretty perfect. The frogs sang like some enchanting magic. I kept quiet most of the time.. he loved it, he had never been.

    I told him maybe we could accomplish buying a house before his birthday. That I have some ideas about how. He asked about my ideas.

    Later he said, “so, you just want to buy a house? that’s it?… ” and I said “no, I want to do ALL the things”..

    I don’t know why he asked that, because he knows I want to be together, live together, and several years ago when he moved back here, we talked about marriage and he was against it because of “legal involvement” and “she could just leave you and take half your stuff” and .. blah blah blah.

    I can’t tell what he is asking? It seems he is asking me what I want.. perhaps from him.. but I feel like he knows already? He knows I want to be married, but maybe he is re-checking in since it’s been years since we talked about it.

  84.  #84Mistea1 on March 25, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    Lotus 82,

    You may need to marinate in this for a bit.

    In any case, somewhere, I read that in cases like this, one forgives but doesn’t forget. It’s self protective.

  85.  #85Andrea on March 25, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    OOoohhh I’m feeling hyper animated by this storyline of Kath’s and the “other girl friendship”.

    All of the responses are so helpful. I resonate with April Rose. As Kath’s story was unfolding I was asking myself, “How would I feel in this situation?”

    I feel icky, insecure, less than his number one, staying in this situation makes me feel less than MY number one. I feel NOT that HE’S betraying me, but that if I keep myself in a situation that makes me feel Ick, then I’M betraying me.

    His actions are his actions. How I feel right now in this situation is all that matters.

    If a man who claimed to be interested in me were still seeing other women I would consider myself a single woman. I would play with him when he wanted to play.. sure… I would date him if I were able to date him with out expectation of the future. But I would consider myself still looking for more CD’s, and definitely still looking and available for THE ONE.

    He can do what he wants. He can be who he is. My choice is: Do I feel great about myself in this situation?

    And what can I do to take care of me right now.

  86.  #86Andrea on March 25, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    Siren Song: Being the best I can truly BE for ME.

    I have been hired for the position of my dreams! I feel amazing. I feel Wonder Woman!! And I know I’ll have many many opportunities in the position to challenge myself and get to higher levels of Andrea is Awesome!!

    The position is for a business representative, pr, marketing person, event planner and lecturer for a health and wellness company. Everything about this clinic and the marketing strategy is in alignment with my life mission statement. Even their mission statement is wonderful: “To Heal All the Land.”

    I feel so excited about this shift. I start April 13th. Today I handed in my two weeks notice at the hotel. I am taking strides for the life of my dreams.

    It was months ago that I did a writing exercise from Rori’s The suggestion was to write a scene taken from your own love story. I wrote a morning in my future where I am with my love. It’s so amazing because the man I described in my story is a man who is dynamic, he’s probably up early and already on his laptop checking email clients, and booking events for our next public speaking engagement.
    He is my partner and shares the same values as me. We compliment each other in business and client gathering.
    I wrote that he makes great business decisions but always includes me in the final execution.

    And I’ve been wondering for a while: Now why would I write things like that? That will never be my reality. Where would I ever meet a man like that?

    Now in this position I will be meeting all kinds of different business people, going to seminars and inspirational events. It’s so funny that my career path is lining up right along side my vision for my romantic partner.

    I feel like I’m stepping into the ACTUAL story of my REAL (who I’ve always wanted to BE) life.

  87.  #87Silver-Tongued Siren on March 25, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    Cont. of post 83
    I feel like I want to answer his question more specifically than I did last night.

    How does this sound? Any suggestions, or ways to make it short and sweet, magical and imaginative?

    I almost added in something about all the things I’ve been offered lately, (vacations, houses, shopping, marriage)…and how that’s all fun and exciting, but .. I want someone who wants kids, is tenacious, happy, and knows what they want. Because I feel like lighting a bit of a fire under him, that he sees that others want me and are serious about it. But I felt like it was too much, that he might think I just think I’m the bees knees, lol so I left that out. He’s an aries, and I think he appreciates others being humble.

    I’ve been offered so many things, I don’t know if he’d believe it anyway, or else think I must be having sex with these guys, which I’m not. He doesn’t really know that I see anyone else, tho he must guess, but he has no idea. He also only recently realized I now have a network of people helping me with childcare, so I’m not tied up just all the time just because I have our child with me.

    After my business meeting the other night, I did tell him in the morning, “Let me out of the house for five minutes alone on a Monday night and two men are already trying to keep me”. (They both wasted no time.) hehe.
    Then asked if we could get together that night when he got back to town (as discussed tentatively a few days prior). I did get a quick and direct response. (“when are you free?” and when I didn’t respond immediately, he asked “are you ok?” (he never asks that!?)

    How does this sound? Should I shorten it? Should I add something?
    I was feeling my way through your question last night.
    When I said Yes I want to buy (or build) a house, you asked if that was all, just buy a house?

    Yes, there are other things I intend having.
    (And that I would feel happy doing with you!)

    What I HAVE, (our child) & making a Home & Family is what is important to me.

    What I want is sharing everything. Being a wife, to a man with whom I feel enthusiastically, openly, passionately wanted, who is excited about having and being a partner! Imagining sharing his name.. Loyalty. Always on each other’s side. Being a team. Open, honest, forthcoming, vulnerable, playful, connective. Devotion, sticking together. I don’t want someone else’s family. I want mine. Raising our children that are ours together. Giving our kids freedom to learn, teaching and guiding them. Working together in all we do. Best friends. Making exciting memories! Being there for it all, together! Falling in love over and over again! Dreaming it together and living it together! Celebrating everything!

    Being a family. Being a wife. Partnership, Togetherness..and Home.
    It may sound simple, but that’s what feels fulfilling to me!

  88.  #88Indigo on March 25, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    Azure Blu 46,

    I tend to agree with Labbit. I think you may find Spirit pulls back more than once now that you and he are back together. Men often seem “right there” when you are with them, but when they are away from you, that is when they take their time to process and to think, that seems to be when they sit with their truth. I actually put MORE stock in what happens and how things feel when I am away from him than when I am with him. I think it is Leigha Lake who says men fall in love with us when they are away from us.

    I think many of us – Labbit, Victoria, myself and probably many others on here – have experienced this pull back so try to breathe and relax, which it seems you are doing beautifully 🙂

  89.  #89Indigo on March 26, 2015 at 12:12 am


    I think you have every right to feel triggered, and I agree with April Rose, I think this IS your business.

    I feel that I am especially equipped to speak on this topic as I went through the same thing with 3 of D’s female friends, one of whom has a very similar feel to your story. Nothing romantic/sexual ever happened with these 3 women (though one was an old flame) but for me there was an energy around each of them which made me very uncomfortable. As I worked through this for myself, wouldn’t you know, these 3 women disappeared entirely from his life. One moved far away, another also moved and also became very involved in her own relationship and setting up house, and the third finally deleted him from Facebook and also, you guessed it, moved away to another country. I found this very interesting, because it coincided with me consciously working through this trigger in myself.

    My process was that I DID say something to him about my feelings. The one girl in particular made me uncomfortable. They went to a music concert together and used to talk at parties, and I know they used to chat on Skype, though he swore he was not interested in her. Like you, something about HER was what I didn’t like or trust and made me uncomfy. I did not think she was a quality person and felt she was very attention-seeking. My statements to D took the form of trying to warn him about what kind of person I felt she was, because men do not seem to be as savvy about other women as we are. He did eventually see this for himself and their friendship broke down in a way that had nothing to do with me. I think in a way it strengthened his trust in my judgment.

    My suggestion would be, share how you feel. If he is the man for you, this will not destroy your relationship. Also, work through your own triggers. It’s painful but if you can keep working with this issue with awareness, you break the power that it has over you.

  90.  #90Kath on March 26, 2015 at 1:01 am

    Sirens I am typing in tears!- thank you so much for your advice and virtual hugs- I so need them right now. You are right- I feel very very uncomfortable with their relationship and after last night, have even more knowledge. I now know that he is planning to go away for a week to see friends. Friends that he just happened to introduce her to several years ago and he is taking her with him-for the whole week-and probably paying for her to go as well. He didn’t tell me she was going as well but I just know that she is-you know that way a woman can always tell when the man isn’t being honest with her. I am soo hurt and I don’t feel like his number one at all. I have had these amazing times with him when I feel so connected to him and in the back of my mind I know that he has done all these things with her in the last six months that he shouldn’t have done. Mutual friends have questioned him before on the apparent “hold” she has on him but he has never given them an answer.
    April Rose- Thank you!- I have been wracking my brains for a speech and you have exactly said what I want to say. I want to say it to him face to face-but part of me doesn’t- I just want to say it-text it-so that he is clear about how I feel. What do you think?

  91.  #91Indigo on March 26, 2015 at 2:10 am


  92.  #92Indigo on March 26, 2015 at 2:16 am

    ((Susan)) 54,

    I really strongly recommend you read the articles on Leigha Lake’s website.

    I know you are doing it because you are afraid of losing him, but always initiating contact has the opposite effect to the one you hope for. Actually it is like pushing him out the door. The more you lean forward by contacting him, the more it pushes him away. A masculine man needs to be the one coming towards you. Right now the masculine/feminine energy is out of balance and I encourage you to lean back to right it again (Leigha Lake and several of the other coaches explain this on their websites).

  93.  #93Kath on March 26, 2015 at 2:28 am

    I sent my speech by text- I felt too awful to do it face to face- just find it too difficult. It would probably have ended up in a row and I didn’t want to argue. I just wanted him to know that this is a problem and this is how it makes me feel. Its up to him what he does with the information. At least I know I have been true to me and to my feelings, something which I usually bury deep down and screw myself up about because I was always taught that was being selfish!- It does feel a huge release letting it go. I don’t have a good vibe about how it will be perceived by him, and that is a huge disappointment but I have to accept that is his choice at the end of the day. I wonder what he does come back with-if anything??

  94.  #94Mistea1 on March 26, 2015 at 3:31 am

    Andrea 86,

    Congratulations on the new job!! I knew you could do it. Now you can fly. Woo Hoo!!!

  95.  #95Victoria on March 26, 2015 at 5:05 am

    Andrea 86,
    Congratulations from me too!
    You are a star!
    I am so happy for you!
    There are very few things in life that beat an exciting new job!
    I can’t think of one actually, as hars as I try :-).


  96.  #96Victoria on March 26, 2015 at 5:10 am

    You did great that you expressed your feelings, and there is nothing wrong in sending it by text, this way he will have more time to think about how to react, but you will most probably talk about it anyhow.
    You know, if you are to stay with this guy, you (both you and him) will need to have a strategy of how to deal with disagreement, or conflicting wishes, or causing disappointment in the other person. Talking about difficult topics is a relationship building skill, and I think we always get better, by each new discussion.
    You have the support of the whole siren island, no need to worry how it goes, speaking about it is 100 times better than sweeping it under the carpet and living in agony!

  97.  #97Victoria on March 26, 2015 at 5:23 am

    Silver-Tongued Siren 87,
    I loved your desciption of what you want, it feels like a great feeling message for me. There is energy and excitement in your message that I find infectious.
    I have no idea how he will react and I am not qualified to tell you whether it is a good idea to tell it to him in so many words, but I just liked it!

  98.  #98Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 6:09 am

    G. Goddess #74
    Lovely, warm, exquisite Siren…
    I have read your post several times…
    I am NOT sure what might be the way to move through this…
    But from what I have read I feel that maybe there is a pushing and controlling going on…
    This trigger has some of the same issues as Me with Spirit…
    Trying to get him to invite me to HIS house (he did actually)… introduce me to HIS friends (yes this too)…
    Me continually getting triggered and him digging his heels in–NOT wanting to be pushed around…
    NO ONE likes to be pushed around…
    I know I DON”T Like it…
    and NO ONE likes to be ignored…
    I know Dominique will have some wonderful words to help you…
    Please share what you and Dominique come up with to resolve this trigger for you.

  99.  #99Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 6:20 am

    Why would you want to go back… ?
    Yes, Yes my thoughts are to GRIEVE this marriage, Grieve the betrail,
    forgive yourself for Your part in this break up (we all have our part),
    2 people don’t always change in the same way…
    and of course the sadness that it didn’t work…

    Whether you decide to stop CDing or
    just to keep yourself AWAY from your ex…
    (I have done this… the CD reminded me of ALLLL the things I wasn’t getting from my ex!! and of course sooo much fun!!!)

    16 years of sharing a life is BIG… and of course… when they try and come back it is important to listen… if only to hear the apology you so deserve to hear… YOU HAVE listened…
    In my humble opinion…
    DON”T Sacrifice YOUR Happiness
    to SAVE HIM!!!

  100.  #100Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 6:24 am

    Indigo #88
    Ahhh… lovely one…
    Thank you for your words of encouragement…
    I feel warm and brave hearing them…
    My question is..
    When he does contact me
    should I mention NOT hearing from him?
    It is 4 days now…
    We have only been back together for 3 weeks and
    My thoughts were to build good times…

  101.  #101Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 6:28 am

    Congratulations… I agree with Victoria…
    NOTHING better than getting an AMAZING job!
    you are a ROCK STAR

  102.  #102Mistea1 on March 26, 2015 at 7:27 am

    I just reread Rori’s post. It’s time for me to redo my list too. I’m feeling so much better. The biochemical surge in my body is almost gone.

    I’ve found a number of music venues that I really like. I especially like Burning River Baroque. The main organist from the cathedral recognizes me and says a friendly hello. People are responding normally to me. Finally!!

    I talked to another woman at the noon day recital who says the local college doesn’t charge seniors for classes which includes singing and instrumental lessons. Yes! She introduced me to her piano teacher who also gives organ lessons. Score for me!

    Now I need to formulate my plan. My boy is now dusting himself off after the drubbing he was given. I’m considering resurrecting my EFT practice and just found out the local hospital may be interested in this too. That way I could stay here this summer and take the music lessons. My other option is to be an interpreter at a state park in northern MI.

    I’ve been corresponding with Lawguy and this has revived my writing chops considerably and I know I could restart my blog without to much trouble.

    I really want to perform with passion, (music), help others, make money and have fun. Any man in my life will have to support this, and treat me with care, love, trust and respect just as I treat myself. Whew, glad this is done!

    Now comes the hard part right?

    Music: I just discovered an article that says music can change gene expression. It is from the current Huffington Post. It also helps relieve anxiety and depression. I tell you, I feel so different from 9 months ago. I feel like a different person. This has to be it. I listen to 2-4 live performances a week. I listen to at least 1/2 to 1 hour of Mozart daily. (my medicine). I sing and perform in the choir 3 hours a week. We have a very active classical music station here with performances and interviews which I listen to as well. The online selection is excellent.

    It’s 87 days now of no contact, . . . at least on my part.

  103.  #103Susan on March 26, 2015 at 7:52 am


    Thank you for your advice. You ladies rock

  104.  #104Victoria on March 26, 2015 at 7:55 am

    @ Azure 100
    That is so strange that he would go no contact for 4 days.
    I would definetely call just to make sure he is ok.
    I know this might sound like leaning forward, but you know, if a friend I have intensive contact with me and then disappears I would be worried about his/her health.

  105.  #105Lovergirl on March 26, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Well, I finally had sex with the new guy last night, after our 4th date. It was kind of a big disappointment. Not that it was all that awful I guess. He was trying very hard to please me, I just wasn’t feeling it. I just couldn’t get over the fact that he is not S. That’s really the only person I want touching my body right now. :/

    He kept saying what great “chemistry” he felt between us, and I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t want to be mean and he was asking me annoying questions, like what do I like about him and had I felt chemistry “like this” with anyone else in a long time? I couldn’t sit there and hurt his feelings, so of course I didn’t mention S or tell him I felt nothing.

    Normally, I think at this point I would cut things off with the guy and not string him along. I feel obligated now though, with the plane tickets and him being so nice and giving. He’s going to think he is my boyfriend though and I really don’t want that. I feel kind of trapped.

  106.  #106Dominique on March 26, 2015 at 9:07 am

    Susan – 54 – These may help.


  107.  #107Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Victoria #104…
    yeah… I was toying with the idea cause I am
    concerned about his well being…
    BUT he does have a tendency to fall off…
    and blame it on his daughter…
    He also has a tendency to want me to lead…
    or have more back and forth…
    which I am Never sure if I am doing too much…

    He is in a NEW sales job… trying to build up clients
    He is 61 so it’s a struggle for all of us this age!

    All of this is VERY confusing…

    it could just be he didn’t want to loose me,
    soo made a big push to have me back in his life
    BUT still isn’t really wanting much more…

    When I think about contacting him…
    I feel VERY anxious… My vibe would be needy
    and wanting more…
    I was the last one to text him on Sunday
    and he completely ignored me
    which doesn’t usually happen…
    Not sure what to do…

  108.  #108Dominique on March 26, 2015 at 9:09 am

  109.  #109Dominique on March 26, 2015 at 9:09 am

  110.  #110Gemini Goddess on March 26, 2015 at 9:30 am

    Azure Blu-

    I want to write more but am at work, but quickly…
    THANK YOU for your response. I’m feeling so wobbly about having an issue in the first place and addressing it. I have this huge desire to say “Oh, it’s nothing”, and just pretend it didn’t/doesn’t bother me so much. I think you are totally right about the push/pull thing. And yes, I will definitely share what transpires with Dominique.

    About the pulling back… hang strong! He’s probably freaking out a little AND maybe subconsciously testing out how tight the leash is now. Every amount of slack you give him will have him more and more comfortable.

    This happened with me and D big time. For a while I thought I may not ever have a free moment, and feeling claustrophobic. He was by my side constantly, making excuses to come over, and then…poof…it was like a free fall for awhile, and I would barely if at all hear from him. I could easily go back and find my panicky journal entries about maybe he’s lost interest, maybe there’s someone else, maybe he misses his ex, maybe…maybe…maybe… Don’t contact him. Remember he came BACK to you because you held your ground.

    I used to pretend that every amount of time I DIDN”T hear from D was time the “hook” was going in deeper. And guess what, we’re back to him making excuses to see me almost every day. I did a quick accounting about a week ago and figured out we’d laid eyes on each other (never mind talking and texting during the day) every day for almost three weeks. I pointed it out to him and he smiled and said “I guess we REALLY like each other!” Adorable.

    You can do this you strong, desirable, high-value siren, you.

  111.  #111Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 9:42 am

    G Goddess!!! #110
    Yes, NOT good to sweep your feelings under the rug
    BUT you HAVE addressed these issues with him…
    I would say… step back… and see how YOU contribute to these interactions…

    Yes, ohhhh… thank you!!
    It is VERY helpful to hear how much you “stripped line” and leaned back with D!!!
    Spirit totally knows I love and adore him…
    I think he may have scared himself with all his loving words of adoration, love, infatuation, AMAZING lovemaking etc for 2 weeks!!
    I need to stay leaning back… for ME…

    I will NOT contact him… it will make ME happier…
    and keep ME in my loving Goddess mode…

  112.  #112Gemini Goddess on March 26, 2015 at 10:24 am

    I can see that I’m doing my old “angry lean away” to GET a response (controlling), rather than “peaceful natural leaning back” because I’m into my own world (self-fulfilled and relaxed). It’s all in my vibe. Still not sure how to address this with him, prevent the trigger, or de-trigger. Oh my. This is tough.

  113.  #113Silver-Tongued Siren on March 26, 2015 at 10:24 am

    Victoria 97-

    THANK you! infectious is what I’m going for. 😀

  114.  #114Azure Blu on March 26, 2015 at 10:48 am

    How have you addressed this in the past?

    I have found *I* do nit picking to prevent too much intimacy…
    when these triggers occured with D… some of the incidents seemed to me, you might have easily joined in…

    I know Spirit and I were trying to balance out how much time we spent together and apart when we did events with together…
    BUT he is VERY careful to make sure I feel included…

    BUT *HE* was struggling with introducing ME to HIS friends…
    The last 2 times we were together He has introduced me…
    BUT I changed MY approach by softly and sweetly introducing MYSELF if he didn’t…
    It worked like a charm!!

  115.  #115Gemini Goddess on March 26, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Azure Blu
    It’s definitely possible I’m nit-picking to avoid intimacy. I also wonder if I have *expectations*, and/or that I’m overly defensive as a result of my own need to love on myself. Mirroring? So many possibilities, and probably a combination of ALL of them. Yes, I could have easily joined in on two of the instances, but in both cases I only overheard a conversation and from a good distance, and I suppose I was looking at it as training him? Not very effective if I get mad about it. I need to detach myself from the outcome. I would like for him to think to include me, in a partner way, without me having my ear to the ground. Really looking forward to peeling back this layer.

    I sometimes wonder if he just misses social cues. Here’s a detail that’s always in the back of my mind. D was permanently removed from an his abusive family when he was 4-years-old. He then lived in an orphanage for a year (poor guy!), and was fostered for 3 years, before being adopted by the foster family. For this reason, I often wonder how much is…I don’t know what to call it. I wonder if I should make some gentle but clear definitions about my “expectations” (there’s that word) in these situations, what would make me feel good, just so that he knows, but don’t want to “get into masculine energy”. I want to be patient, AND I feel myself get so triggered. Talking it out even this much feels so much better.

    It’s not that he doesn’t want to introduce me or involve me in everything in a big picture way, in fact early on he systematically introduced me to everyone important he could think of, including family, as in organized dinners for that sole purpose. During this time he also introduced me as his “girlfriend” at his MBA reunion, and his sons rowing club award ceremony. This had a whole other set of NV’s going where I felt sort of like a commodity, or a replacement, or trophy-ish. I’m over that, thank heavens. I digress.

  116.  #116April Rose on March 26, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    My triggers are up.

    And, I’m guessing, my defences are too.

    Only I’m not recognising them as defences. They are mental stances, which cause me to behave in ways that shut the other person out.
    Only, it is sooo subtle. Almost in my blind spot.

    He arrives to take me out on a date. He is early. I, as usual, am timing everything to the last second, so I am not quite ready when he arrives.
    I cannot hide my annoyance.
    And it is not the first time.

    I do not open and warm up to him straight away. I am too flummoxed, still trying to get ready, feeling indignant and wishing it was unfolding differently.

    And, also adding pressure on myself by saying into my own ear “April, stop being so mean, can’t you just be happy he is here. Adapt to the moment, can’t you?”

    And no, I can’t. It’s not working. I still feel annoyed and resistant. It’s not working out the way my mind had it planned.

    He asks me questions about my day. I (half-jokingly and half not) answer that I don’t want to answer any questions. He looks upset. I know then that I am defensive, not open. I cannot do a thing to change it.

    We are so new in our interactions, he and I. We do not yet know ways of diffusing such moments of tension.
    I watched him grow more uncomfortable as I behaved in a thus-far unfamiliar way.

    It went on well into our date.
    Then something broke it. I think it was him. He asked me if I wanted to go home. I said no. He asked me if I was having a nice time. I said yes (although I was feeling really uncomfortable). He said he was surprised to hear that. He said he was feeling ‘doomed’. I said oh dear that sounds awful. He said yes, it feels horrible.

    I said “there must be a common enemy, trying to doom us both, because I feel it too and don’t know what has happened”.

    At some point I apologised for being weird and crunchy. Something fell away from me and I can’t pinpoint when. But it was surely when he broke silence and communicated with me.

    We went on to have a lovely time of laughter and cuddles and all was well again in our world.

  117.  #117April Rose on March 26, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    I can’t help but conclude that when a masculine man’s lady friend is being either shut down or in masculine energy, he feels as if he has lost her. There is no feminine counterpart in the picture. He is alone again.

  118.  #118April Rose on March 26, 2015 at 5:55 pm

    And I totally believe that he was so upset because in that moment he believed he had either displeased me or lost the power to make me happy, or both.

  119.  #119April Rose on March 26, 2015 at 6:16 pm


    I am learning, just like you, to stand by my feelings even when the thought of saying them out loud feels horrifying.

    I don’t know why I should make such a big deal of it. I am working on making the expression of my authenticity more ‘matter-of-fact’. Instead of my usual “Oh my god I feel so terrified to say this but here goes..” I’m moving towards “Hmm, on reflection I feel … and I feel quite surprised to find that I feel that”….OR ….. ” I have felt this for a while and now I want to break out of the need to keep it to myself…”

    Anything which helps me express myself NATURALLY, rather than forcing myself into an ‘ordeal’.

    I hope you too find your own organically-evolving style of self-expression.

    I’m curious to hear if you have heard from him since you sent the text?

  120.  #120Dominique on March 26, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    April Rose – This may take some practice and maybe some courage, but I have found that when you feel flummoxed, out of sorts, off, or whatever it is you, say so. Something like – I’m just feeling so ornery/discombobulated/weird/disconnected right now.

    For me, just saying it helps it to go away or at least dissipate. And K will inevitably open his arms to me, and most if not all of the rest melts away.


  121.  #121Indigo on March 27, 2015 at 1:13 am

    Gemini Goddess 110,

    I absolutely loved your response to Azure Blu here, and found it very beneficial for me as well.

    There were some thoughts I had on your trigger with D, as I have certainly found myself in the same position with the same trigger many times. It does not trigger me as much any more, and I believe as you work with this trigger, it will trigger you less too. As you have rightly pointed out, I think there is a difference between leaning back because you are naturally just absorbed in and loving what you are doing, and “leaning away” in order to affect the outcome. I would discourage you from doing the latter, and encourage you to do more of the former. Remember that D has his own fluctuations and triggers which have nothing to do with you. His behaviour has nothing to do with you, and just knowing this makes me feel a lot more relaxed around this issue. What has helped me is flowing between occupying myself doing something enjoyable, and getting absorbed in it if I can, so my focus is off him, and sweetly just joining in when I want to be part of things. Some people might suggest having a heart to heart with him, but I think you have already told him how you feel and I wouldn’t want to make a thing of it, since your relationship is so good on the whole. I think so much of this is something you can work out for yourself and you might well find that as he sees you can handle yourself that he feels more space and more safe to come and include you, and that the whole thing just flows in a more relaxed way.

  122.  #122Indigo on March 27, 2015 at 1:23 am

    Azure Blu 100,

    This article from Leigha might help you:

  123.  #123Kath on March 27, 2015 at 2:09 am

    #119 April Rose,

    Sweet Siren we are both learning that it is ok to have feelings and that we can speak them!- I can’t begin to explain how difficult I have found it to say how I feel- its been a life long curse almost!- I was brought up by a Mother who is emotionally retarded herself and I was never encouraged to express how I felt and if I tried I was always shouted down or disagreed with-so I felt I was told what to feel-which has led to problems in every intimate relationship I have ever had!- I am 2yrs away from being 50 and I think its time I learn to recognise, accept and speak my own truth!-
    After I sent him my text yesterday I had a response from him at lunchtime saying he understood what I meant (with 3 kisses) and I have heard nothing more. I spent a very uncomfortable evening on my own thinking that he may now choose her over me because I may appear too hard work!- And then I thought (with the wonderful insight of Sami Wunder!- that these ucky feelings were in me for a reason and I had expressed how I felt to him and said that I wanted us to work out a way for us to both get what we want. That was different from before!- before I would have not dealt with those ucky feelings at all and tried desperately to throw them back at him. But now, I value me!- if he cannot give me what I want then I need to move on and meet someone who will and wants to!-

  124.  #124Indigo on March 27, 2015 at 4:29 am

  125.  #125Azure Blu on March 27, 2015 at 6:43 am

    G Goddess… #115
    Something other Sirens have mentioned in the past…
    It might be fun to try this:
    When is “seems” to you that he is NOT including you with the next segway when spending time with friends…
    Include yourself… come up next to him…
    hold his hand… look into his eyes and say…
    “I feel so Sparkly & warm spending time with you!”
    It might just change YOUR vibe…
    kinda like when you did your own thing when he was late… Winde, beautiful clothes…

  126.  #126Azure Blu on March 27, 2015 at 6:46 am

    April Rose #117-18
    I LOVE< LOVE this!!!
    it is perfect…
    "I can’t help but conclude that
    when a masculine man’s lady friend is being either shut down
    or in masculine energy,
    he feels as if he has lost her.
    There is no feminine counterpart in the picture.
    He is alone again.
    And I totally believe
    that he was so upset because, in that moment
    he believed he had either displeased me
    or lost the power to make me happy, or both."

  127.  #127Azure Blu on March 27, 2015 at 6:53 am

    Ahhhh… soo thoughtful of you to look these up for me…
    They are VERY helpful…
    Still no word – 7 days since I saw him-
    I’m not worried about his well being
    as I saw his car parked at a neighborhood bar last night… ;-))

    Sooo leaning back in my luxurious,soft pink billowing pillows of LOVE—- LOVING ME,
    Feeling HIS loving energy coming toward me…
    Being an invitation when he does contact me…

    I have noticed (because of all the loving responses and Care I feel on Siren Island!!!)
    I am NOT as anxious and panicky…
    I have NOW, more than ever, created a happily ever after life
    MY life is MAGICAL… lovely Sirens!
    Thank you!

  128.  #128lovetodance on March 27, 2015 at 8:38 am

    ohhhh azure….

    YOU are doing so well…..truely magically wonderfully….

    breathing….you are breathing into you….space…spaciousness….

    this is one of the trails of super siren training….one of the hardest….breathing into the space that was occupied by being occupied by someone we love….and letting that space be filled with our already existing self love…

    so good …so good
    i send you billows of soft gorgeous self love beautiful savvy siren!

  129.  #129lovetodance on March 27, 2015 at 8:55 am

    ohhhhhh dear me….

    i became twisted up in knots….this beautiful man wanting and moving closer to me…

    i have been single for 10 years ….and not emotionally or sexually intimate for that plus some….yesssss alittle fooling around….yesssss emotionally distressed over the trail of tears/crumbs for one man for 3 years…

    other than that….comfortably uncomfortably and comfortably single

    i reach out into the world and this man reaches back….he is beautiful ….he is intense …he has a heart wrenching background that draws and repulses me…

    we have very different economic and educational backgrounds [this concerns me] yet yet yet… i love his authenticity…no pretense..his strength ,his ability to have an open heart to love, to be vulnerable….

    i have judged and nit picked in my mind …him…i have gotten myself into physical stress knots over his moving closer….

    i threw the handbrake on this morning…we had a date for tonite…prolly a stay over
    A STAY OVER! oh my god…in my bed in my bed….a sleepover…..oh my heart pounds and i want to run run run…

    he texted a good morning….i texted.. darling.i am feeling shakey nervous about closeness….i want to keep my heart open.

    he….ok i’ll take time off from you take care

    [i instantly feel relieved] yet didn’t expect a complete back off…

    me ….miss understanding? dangerous to text deep feelings…heart open to you and scared…

    i have not heard back…i feel the stress anxiety tightness leave my body…the familiar self analyzing and sadness return…

    am i just sooooo afraid of intimacy? ….can’t tolerate too much with a man?…or is this man simply just not right for me….

    i honor him..i honor his wisdom….no nonsense…he is ready for a committed relationship…i wonder is it me or just he needs someone? y’know i don’t need to wonder about that now

    i just am observing my process…my relief….and who knows how i will feel in the proceeding hours….

    therapy would be goood….

  130.  #130Azure Blu on March 27, 2015 at 9:15 am

    Thank you for your vote of confidence on
    MY leaning back and KNOWing
    I AM the PRIZE…
    That these next 2 months are ME
    Giving me and Spirit time and space
    to see how/if we can grow this
    fragile, bloom we call relationship…

    Ahhhh… thank you for sharing your
    authentic, vulnerable story
    and how you are working thru a new
    feeling of se**ual reawakening (ahh the power of spring)
    and the FREE therapy your new CD is offering
    I feel it is LOVELY how you are using Feeling Messages
    and loveing you!!!

  131.  #131Susan on March 28, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I failed…
    I gave in and texted him. He said he was happy that I did because he missed me. But now I dont know what to do. I dont want him to ever treat me the way he did. It felt horrible.

  132.  #132Susan on March 28, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    What do I do now? How do I accept him lovingly and at the same time not ever get treated like a doormat.

  133.  #133Indigo on March 29, 2015 at 1:12 am


    Please don’t ever use words like you “failed”. Rori forbids us from beating ourselves up, and it’s a really good policy to implement in your life. How can you love yourself properly if you are so busy being down on yourself?

    Try to think of it more in terms of – leaning back is difficult in the beginning. We have all been conditioned in our lives to lean forward in some way. Every single one of us on the blog have done it. I still find leaning back difficult at times, but it gets easier and starts to feel better, I promise.

    So now that you’ve texted him, forgive yourself. There are no mistakes here, only learning and growing experiences. But please do try to lean back from now on. Try to let him be the one to initiate contact, and in the meantime try to forget about him. Many of the coaches have great articles about this, but a great place to start is to make a list of things you love doing and that feel good, activities you can turn to to get your focus off him.

    You can only “accept him lovingly” if he is coming towards you. And right now he isn’t coming towards you. The only way you can see if he has the capability to treat you better is if you lean back.

    I know it’s hard, but there is lots of support here.

  134.  #134Susan on March 29, 2015 at 3:26 pm


    How can I stop resenting him. I feel so angry inside..I never really realized how angry and hurt I felt until this last fight. And I finally realized why I am so angry. I resent him. I resent him for not protecting me and cherishing me. For not being there for me when I mostly needed him. It was almost like if he never cared about me he just pretended to. And being that we never speak about “feelings” it angers me and dissapoints me to think that maybe I was so naive to invest myself i to someone that never intended to take me seriously. But now I love him. But why do I love him? I feel so sad!!!

  135.  #135Zara on March 29, 2015 at 4:06 pm


    Rori wrote an article in which she pasted your post. You can read it by clicking this link


  136.  #136Femininewoman on April 2, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Susan you didn’t fail. You never fail. You just try an experiment and learn from it.