Your New Year WILL Bring You The Love You Want

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pigeon-with-messageThis is my eletter for today — wanted to print it here, too – in case you’re new to me and just found me here on the blog…

I have a New Year’s Resolution for us all this year – and that resolution is: NO MORE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!

It just feels all wrong to me.

A “Resolution” seems like something I’d write down for myself to do – or TELL myself to do – that I just DON’T WANT to do.

Like never eating chocolate. Or walking a certain distance or exercising a certain way every day.

The moment my brain hears that “have to” attached to the “resolution” I can FEEL it grating in my mind.


And yet, there are so many things I want for myself that I want to find some way to mark them down and get them for myself.

Does this sound familiar to you?

So, what is it YOU want?

If you’re like I was when my relationships weren’t going the way I wanted them to, what you want more than anything is to love, to be loved, and live in “Happy Ever After” forever.

You’ve made “Resolutions” and plans, and suffered and tried to make things happen.

After years of trial-and-error, I finally DID get what I wanted – Happy Ever After. And so can you.

And I’d like to get it for you so much FASTER than the years it took me.

So, if “Resolutions” don’t feel right – what would work better?

One of my favorite words, the one that gets me into an easy, receiving, and yet active and just plain good-feeling place is the word “Intend.”

If I “Intend” to do something or have something, the feeling of it is more than a wish, and yet not a real “have to.”

It just means, if I so CHOOSE, I can do that thing or have that thing.

And the nasty voice in my head stays much quieter when I “Intend” instead of “Resolve.”

New Year’s Eve, about 3 months before my husband proposed, was not a happy time for me.

In fact, at the stroke of midnight, dressed up in party clothes and hoping for a lifelong commitment to come out of my then “live-in boyfriend’s” mouth, what I got from him instead was the “I’m not ready” speech.

Instead of “I love you” and let’s get married, I got “I’m not ready.”

I remember being devastated, furious, and half- crazy with confusion.

All I could think was “What do I do now?” Hardly a great time for a resolution.

What I “resolved” at that moment was “To get him to commit to me,” and all that did was push him further away for about a month.

When I finally realized that what I was doing to bring this man – a man I’d been SO SURE of – closer to me and closer to wanting to commit to me, I tried something different.

Instead of “resolving” anything, I just told myself that I’d be OKAY. No matter what.

I see now that I’d “set an Intention” to be “Okay.”

It wasn’t a huge statement to make to myself, but it was all I could manage.

And it was enough to get me started in the right direction.

It got me to Intend to DO some things for MYSELF that would help me be – not just Okay – but sensational, terrific, thrilled, happy, and married.

So, let’s try this new Tool for New Year’s: THE FUTURE LETTER

Instead of “Resolving” to get your relationship on track and do what it takes to get him across the finish line or to find that special, perfect man who’s right for you, let’s make it as if it’s really, already happened!

Let’s write a Future Letter to ourselves.

Here’s how:

Get out a piece of paper, or on your computer’s fine.

Date this letter one year from now – New Year’s 2010.

You’ll be writing this letter to yourself (or write to ME if you’d like – I’ll read it and hold the space for you to have this fabulous year you’re going to write about)…so you’ll start with “Dear (your name) or Dear Rori…

Now, think of exactly what you want for yourself in this next year, and exactly how it’s going to go – EVERYTHING you want.

Write about money – write EXACTLY how much money you want coming in every month, where that money will be coming from, and EXACTLY how you’re going to spend it.

Don’t be stingy with your imagination here – make it a LOT of money, but something your brain will see as DO-ABLE, not just a fantasy.

Make it a high salary for someone with your kind of job, and make it a job in an environment you enjoy…

Make it up so it feels GOOD.

And then write about all the LOVE, ROMANCE AND RELATIONSHIP you want to experience in 2010.

And let’s set another rule here for that – let’s make it about the BIG PICTURE.

Instead of making it about the boyfriend you have who’s causing you pain now, or the man you have a crush on who isn’t paying you enough attention now, or your husband who’s going through some hard times and making your life unhappy now – let’s make it about what would feel GOOD.

How does that look for you?

Make it about a man with a movie star face – not a specific man, but imagine how it is he holds you – how he touches you, what his face looks like when he smiles at you.

Imagine getting attention and love without WORKING for it.

Imagine getting great sex AND friendship – all together instead of just one or the other.

Imagine feeling respected and loved, and imagine feeling SECURE and COMMITTED.

And as you’re imagining all this, now comes the IMPORTANT PART:

I want you to imagine that this has ALREADY HAPPENED!

You’ve dated the letter a year from now, so I want you to write about all this great stuff as if you’re looking BACK at how it happened and how it felt while it was happening, and how it feels NOW to have EXACTLY what you want.

Write about other things, too.

Write about the FUN you had – perhaps you went on a vacation with your wonderful man.

Perhaps you got a financial bonus from work, or your business took off and got so much more successful, or you got the job you always wanted.

Perhaps your self-esteem took a huge leap and you can see how your confidence has been building over this year you’re writing about.

Perhaps a phenomenal man just dropped from the sky, knew you were the one for him right away, and it’s been heaven-on-earth ever since.

Perhaps you were surprised, out-of-the-blue, by a proposal for the totally committed relationship you’ve always wanted.

Perhaps all health issues have cleared up, all depression’s gone, and you can look back over this year and hear your own self LAUGHING.

I’m going to write my own letter today, and paste it on my office wall to remind me every moment that this is the life I EXPECT to have in the coming year – because this is the way it has – in my letter – ALREADY HAPPENED.

I’m going to write about YOU, and how you’ve had an incredible year, and how you’ve found a magnificent, committed relationship so fast, and how amazing it feels to me to know I’ve helped you in some way, and that we’ve been able to talk, you and I, through your emails and my eletters and programs.

This might sound like a fantasy exercise, but the truth is – our brains don’t know the difference.

If we tell ourselves that something is true – and especially if we WRITE it down – our minds believe it just as if it IS true.

That’s how we all mow down our self-esteem by telling ourselves icky things about ourselves.

Our minds believe the icky thoughts, and then our confidence goes down the tubes, and then those things we only TOLD ourselves were true start to LOOK true in our lives.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to attract and be attracted to men who WON’T be giving us the love and commitment we want and actually DO deserve.

If we tell ourselves we don’t deserve any more love and commitment than we’re getting right now – we tend to push away any love our man DOES want to give us, and then everything in the relationship gets worse.

And why do we all tend to do this? To sell ourselves short and undermine our own success?

Because we’ve been TAUGHT to do life this way. We’ve been told things like “Don’t get your hopes up.”

And we’ve been told that having dreams and believing they’ll come true is “stuck up,” and being “conceited,” and that we need to “get over ourselves.”

We’ve been told we’re “lucky” to have a man.

That good man are “few,” and that good relationships are “hard.”

We’ve been taught to have low expectations so that we don’t disappoint ourselves.

Even when we catch ourselves imagining that something will turn out great – we stop ourselves.

As if believing in ourselves and that we can have EXACTLY what we want in life and in our relationship isn’t the right way to think.

And all that is just WRONG.

The TRUTH is just the opposite.

The more you believe in yourself, the greater your chances for having what you want.

We all know how awful it feels when we have high hopes for something that doesn’t work out.

Like when we REALLY like that man we went out with and can practically see ourselves in our wedding dress, and then he never calls again.

When these things happen, we sometimes blame not only ourselves for not sewing up the man – but we blame even the DESIRE for those things.

As if it was the WANTING of those things that made it all go bad.

And that’s NOT what happened.

What helps make things go bad is the “vibe” we create around our wanting of that thing – and when that vibe starts to feel like desperation and need – like “I have to have that man or I’ll die,” or “If he doesn’t call again, I’ll be destroyed,” THAT’S how we can sabotage ourselves.

So, what the man who’s been dating you for days, or weeks, or months or years “gets” from you can be either your HIGH opinion of yourself, along with your DESIRE for the part or for a relationship, or your LOW opinion of yourself, along with your NEED for the part or for HIM.

And which one do you think is most likely to get you what you want?

So with this Future Letter, you’re telling yourself that: Not only is it OKAY to dream BIG and want what you want, but that dreaming BIG is the WAY to GET what you want.

So tell it all.

Make it like a script to a movie about your year that you’ve ALREADY SEEN.

Make your movie a triumph of personal power and confidence.

On the day you date this letter – January 1st 2010 – make it so it’s all already happened.

Look back on 2009 and see all the steps you took to make it happen, all the Rori Raye Tools you used and how they worked for you like magic.

See yourself HAPPY every step of the way.

I’ll be writing my Future Letter tonight, and would love to read yours, too.

Remember to make it GOOD! And remember to write it as though it’s all already happened, just the way you want it.

Love to you, and the next time we talk, we’ll both be living in this great, new, beautifully imagined and ALREADY SUCCESSFUL new year.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1alias girl on January 1, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    i feel good reading this. thank you. 🙂 happy new year. i feel happy. i wish happiness for almost everyone. hahahaha. just kidding. i wish happiness for everyone.

  2.  #2alias girl on January 1, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    i really feel like things are possible and happening. i feel very on my happy ever after. and rori’s tools and words and shared experience is sinking in.

    i feel like a goddess. i looked in the mirror today and said, “i like you. i will never hurt you. i will never deceive you. i will protect you. i think you are beautiful and i really like hanging out with you.” and i felt good.

    and i can practice more on putting my focus on what i want to focus on. i can focus on myself. and i can focus on what pleases me most.

    and i am starting to like this whole circular dating idea. AND IT IS WORKING FOR ME in a way i like. i don’t even feel a desire to laser focus on one man. i feel a desire to fulfill my desires.


    i feel very smiley.

  3.  #3FEMENERGYLOVE on January 1, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    dreaming big starts now.

  4.  #4Daria on January 2, 2010 at 4:32 am

    im copying this from a Christian Carter eletter

    ” What kind of women do you think men “naturally”
    gravitate towards?

    What kind of women do you think men
    “instinctively” feel good when they’re around,
    even if they don’t know why?

    What kind of women do you think men understand,
    on a subconscious level and make great long-term

    Right again.

    Women who are in CONTROL of their own fears
    and emotions when it comes to men, dating and


    It’s NOT because feelings and emotions are
    themselves bad…

    Feelings and emotions are probably the most
    beautiful part of what makes us human and allows
    us to experience the world in a deep and
    meaningful way.

    But, what I’m talking about here is NEGATIVE

    Because negative feelings, more often than

    And women who are in CONTROL of their
    EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on
    their own emotional state, know how to do
    something that other women can’t and will never
    be able to fake…

    They know how to consistently create more

    i want tapping to become my vision of “What kind of women do you think men “naturally”
    gravitate towards?

    What kind of women do you think men
    “instinctively” feel good when they’re around,
    even if they don’t know why?

    What kind of women do you think men understand,
    on a subconscious level and make great long-term


    I Get now… being with my feelings (ie christians being “in control of the emotional experience” can help me communicate “strong” emotions much more clearly… and i can make myself feel good, ie being in charge of my emotional experience

    will tey feel deep down like a baseline foundational feeling that wow this woman would make a great long term partner>? i hope so… maybe they do alreayd… i want that

    im throwing this in the air for healing!

    when i catch it agian it will already be done


  5.  #5Daria on January 2, 2010 at 4:33 am

    on another topic, Christian’s eletters often feel like building fear and desperation, but now that im getting strong i dont feel AS triggered by them, but still lots of triggers to notice

    like the baseline feeling of id be a good relationship material woman trigger

  6.  #6Daria on January 2, 2010 at 4:40 am

    something strange tonite,, i went to see an ex, and he was very nice bought me food, but for some reason i just felt triggered like i wasnt good enought for him, i felt old and dry and like i was a cougar and i felt disgusting (hes younger than me but still) and i felt liek my butt wasnt big enuf, it was really weird… he did make a cougar joke aobut the future but i felt majorly triggered on my own

    im wondering if its triggers from him leaving me for somebody bakc in the day

    yes it might be

    felt weird

    i love myself, but boy i was feeling icky aobut myself at taht time… was he thinking all those icky things aobut me? even subconsciouslly? cuz they didnt seem like my regularly shceduled programming thoughts… i felt way uglier…


    i feel weird and i love myself and i feel relieved

  7.  #7Simply Shannon on January 2, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Daria: I feel the same things when I read Christian’s emails. I feel appreciate of having read his stuff (that’s how I found Rori in the first place) but I do feel triggered by some of the things he writes and especially that it’s almost always a sales pitch. I don’t mind the sales pitch but it would feel better to get more out of the emails than just a commercial.

    I feel curious about your date. Did you tell him “I feel uncomfortable” or “I feel weird”? This is where I get stuck because I don’t know if this is just stuff in my head that I should figure out or just “feel”, or do I share that feeling with the person in front of me. I’d like to hear how that went for you.

  8.  #8Katie on January 2, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Found this brilliant line today (on Twitter)

    “You are not going to have a better relationship with a person than the relationship they have with themselves…” Quote from Andrew Harrison.

    Wow this I can see in every relationship and it rings true with Rori’s advice about authentic feelings, expression and changing vibes etc.

    Just wanted to share this with everyone here.

  9.  #9Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    hey Daria….I propose a trade….I feel like my butt is too big. My brother says I have trailer park booty.
    Not to minimize your icky feelings. Just to let you know you’re not alone.
    What is it with women?
    If we have a tiny bottom, we want a bigger one. If we have a bigger bottom…we want a small one?
    I’m gonna be a man next time around.

  10.  #10Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    I’m wondering if I should take a northern nursing contract. I could conceivably come home with $14 K after taxes for four months. I’ve taken one before and it was hard, but profitable.
    I’d be able to pay off the debt I have now (to the tune of about $7K) and leverage my portfolio. I could also take the bowen therapy course I want and maybe look for a better job?

  11.  #11Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Jennifer – good luck wishing for a bigger penis (when n youre a man next time around)


  12.  #12Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    ooooh Bowen therapy!!!!! i feel excited

  13.  #13Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    what if we DO have better relationships with men than they have with themselves, and thats what makes them attracted? and safe? and feel like we’re the only one who makes them feel this way ? good

  14.  #14Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    thinky thinky

    Sharon I didn’t say it. I would next time tho. I was acutally planning to say it next time i talked to him, to let him know i was feeling uncomfortable and all these weird thoughts were coming up

  15.  #15Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    hey Daria LOL about the penis. I just meant it seems to be so much easier from over here on siren island to be a man. I spin inside my own head all day long. Should I or shouldn’t I? Was I rude just then? What if this happened?

    My brother says men don’t do that. They just do what they want. B says he’s lost and confused about why I left him. As a woman if someone I know is in pain…I know right away and I don’t feel better until I try to help.
    How relaxing it must be to not even NOTICE when your partner is unhappy. Let alone feel the need to do anything about it?
    I feel excited about the Bowen therapy course too. I can get certified for about $2k and here in Ontario they want nurses to keep their skills updated so I’m eligible for a $1500 reimbursement for training. The practitioner I go to says her nursing students always get the cash back. So that’s exciting. Bowen has saved my life I swear.

  16.  #16Katie on January 2, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Hey Daria – that’s good, yes I see that we (women/sirens) could do this I guess- have better relationship with a man than they have with themselves – but it’s then a combined thing, ongoing and changing. Perhaps that quote is good in that it’s where a relationship starts, then it grows as much as two people can allow WITH eachother.

  17.  #17Lisa on January 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Thanks for the quote, Katie.

    Today I offer excerpts from the poem “Wild Geese,” by Mary Oliver:

    “You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.

    “Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.

    “Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.”

  18.  #18Flipper on January 2, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    How beautiful, the Wild Geese poem, Lisa. I feel it for myself, and it makes me think of Tina…does this poem touch you, Tina?

  19.  #19Katie on January 2, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Lisa – That’s a great poem, ‘You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves’ – it makes me feel allowing and compassionate and understood and included.
    Thanks x

  20.  #20alias girl on January 2, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    katie i liked that quote. 🙂

  21.  #21Katie on January 2, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    I am jotting down some notes – 2010 – a letter – what do I want to manifest in my life during this year.

    But a negative voice keeps piping up in my ear saying things like ‘don’t expect too much’, ‘ummm hey listen, life doesn’t work like that’, ‘oh yeah, you reckon huh?’ And a strong desire to dilute all my hopes and wishes with a big dose of ‘reality’ – that’s an assumed reality from the past.

    But I’m going to keep going and just see what these nv’s keep saying. It’s (the letter) certainly triggering those parts of me.

  22.  #22Katie on January 2, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    I so want to move on from where I’ve been (last year). I am going to break ALL contact with T (my ex). I really have wanted to just get over him/us since we split last August. But just as I’ve decided to stay on that ‘straight and narrow’ with no contact and no leaning forward I’ve had a huge desire to just jump in the car and go see him or text etc.

    Okay I have only done this just a few times in 5 months. Other times T’s asked me to meet him for a coffee. When we meet, there’s a hug or two and it feels warm to me. But then I go away feeling likes my insides have just been scoured out – it hurts. Then it’s maybe a couple of weeks of no contact. Then i feel loving and want to contact etc etc.

    IT HAS TO STOP, it has not brought him back or even got him to start turning the corner, so I am through with him, he can go sling his hook elsewhere, I’ve had it!! I deserve a man in my life who wants what I’ve got to offer and values it highly – he does not so f* him!

  23.  #23Daria on January 2, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    i feel sad.

  24.  #24Rori Raye on January 2, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    oooh, Lisa, I love this poem. Rori

  25.  #25Rori Raye on January 2, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    katie – thank you for the great quote…and this really takes me to why we all feel so compelled to fix a man’s relationship with himself……If we could just heal him, we could have him. To me, what if we took into account that we are perhaps as wounded, perhaps in a different way, as the man who has no relationship with himself – and so by savoring and enhancing and expanding and loving the relationship we have with ourselves – healing ourselves – do we heal him as well? Can we heal ourselves if our motivation is to, by example, heal him and have him? Think I’ll post on this…Love, Rori

  26.  #26Daria on January 2, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Yay Rori. yes yes. i still want to heal him to have him. but im working on healing myself to have that. somewhere along the way ill bet i let go of the first intention, and then later along the way it will come true.

  27.  #27Daria on January 2, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    and so will my healing


  28.  #28Rachel on January 2, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Tonight, I went to a community theatre production of “She Loves Me,” and I was struck by this song!

    I know it uses the word “resolve,” but I think we could substitute “intend.” I love the line… “I will not be that girl one more day!” This is my intention for 2010.

    I love the idea of writing a letter… I’m intending (!) to do this tomorrow. Thanks Rori!

  29.  #29alias girl on January 2, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    rori i feel very interested and intrigued. i feel hoping you will post on that.

  30.  #30alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 12:04 am

    new experiment.

    one guy asked why i was single. he wrote, “you must have guys hitting on you all the time.”

    i wrote back, ‘i like dating. unless i find what i am looking for, which is a way of relating and an energy exchange that i like. otherwise it’s more fun to be single. and yes, i do have guys hitting on me all the time.’

  31.  #31Daria on January 3, 2010 at 12:27 am

    im feeling disturbed and upset.

    so i was lying in bed, and i thought this would be a good time to touch myself. well as soon as i thought that, my body felt kind of afraid, and kind of thrilled. my thought was that my stomach was too full and my ovaries, reproductive organs werent prepped yet. so i let my body rearrange itself, and then it seemed ok

    so then the next thing that cmae in my mind, was visions of a blond crackhead woman. the visions of how i felt yesterday with my ex from long ago , when i said i was getting visions of being unattractive. (this morning i did a stranger exercise with that woman, and she turned into an old lady that i finally felt a lil friendly around). so even though i was doing my best to embrace this woman, i was not feeling turned on by the idea of touching her. like her big butt was in front of my face, and her clothes were not clean, her pussy smelled bad, etc etc. i got the idea to wash and take care of her, the way i do myself, so i took off her clothes, gave her herb washes and inserts for her nani, brushed her skin, washed her, etc etc. now she was looking good. for her mind i brought in kali, who promptly cut her in half straight down the middle. the halves struggled but then they came back together. so she looked fine, and at this point i went to hug her, but she stuck out a snake tongue that wrapped around mine, and ripped out my tongue. i tried to give her a hug, thinking this is not real, and gave her a rose. she had turned into a monster with tentacles. the monster was a lil befuddled and confused with my rose, at which point it sat down. i told it i want to be its friend, and im in charged, and can it help me be more whole. somewhere in there, i got scared, thinking that this monster was not really part of me, but rather i was being attacked psychically by some exorcist monster and maybe non-resisting it is not a good idea. i felt scared. it seemed ok but i thought again about touching myself, and i got flashbacks of the movie with Mary Shaw (the ventriloquist ghost who eats peoples tongues)… and a very violent image from the woman in the movie at the beginning, who they find in bed in a pool of blood, eyes and mouth wide open, with her tongue ripped out…

    needless to say i dont feel turned on, and i feel a lil bit scared, and worried

    i know i wrote about this before, so this is not the first time that i feel and see this weird scary stuff when i want to touch myself

    whatsup??? i feel upset.

    i feel angry that i feel this way and other peoplle dont. i feel jealous. i feel scared feeling this way. am i being haunted? wtf. i dont believe im being haunted because i am scared of ghosts and have prayed to God since a little kid to not see them, and i havent.

    soo why am i being scared by stuff like this when i want to touch myself. or rather, how do i heal this?

    i want healing

    Thank you.

    now i think about touching myself, and my body says my tummy is too full. but i Want to touch myself. so i dono wat to say. my tummy is not realy too full.

    i feel like my body/subconscious is avoiding it

    for some reason

    it feels its bad and i look stupid and disgusting in a way doing it. like my arm is not really long enough to do it right. i look like a monkey, or just weird. ick. i feel icky. and frustrated. and upset.

    and i feel glad i got up to write this. maybe this way ill get some healing.

    im feelng very humph. grumpy. miffed.

    i love myself, and it feles ICKY to say i love myself.

    wtf. i love my icky feeling. i feel like the space under my eye is bieng pinched like it was gonna pop. i love my pinching, my uncomfortableness… i feel gross. im getting images of being a kid and older men wanting to do icky stuff to me, or making me feel uncomfortable . (but this didnt happen as far as i remember). my mind is making these images for som]e reason, wanting to gross me up


    i feel angry at my mind.

    now somebody called me private, just 2 min ago while i was writing this, and a sleazy voice i thought said hi, and i felt grossed out, but also a lil good cuz i thought i recognized the voice of this one guy

    BUT now he just called me, i havent talked ot him in like a year. he says it wasnt him, (i believe him). i guess im really psychic.

    anyway. i feel weird. i love my weirdness.

    help angels . Goddesses. anyone.

    i want this healed. i feel desperate and kinda helpless.

    thank you.

    i feel like im holding this big problem in my belly. i feel weighed down and sad. thank u.

    this seems to me like a trauma. but i dont know what it is. i dono. i dono i dono.


    i love myself.

  32.  #32janjune on January 3, 2010 at 12:31 am

    skimming back through the comments of the last few days—
    for anyone who had an issue with my previous comments

    first –
    i wish for you the blessing contained in your trigger, to uncover the the untruth of that triggering belief.

    second –
    i don’t have any interest in *dueling* with anyone here!! my truth isn’t subject to another person’s triggers.

    third –
    i feel free to state and express my feelings on this blog whether all agree or not. i don’t feel intimidated anymore or threatened by the ire of people who cannot or will not tolerate someone who expresses a differing opinion.

  33.  #33Daria on January 3, 2010 at 12:33 am

    reading my posst sounds a lot less disturbing than it actually way

    i feel like having tinque and everyone read it so i can be like SEE there IS something wrong with me. why? i dont know. i feel soo triggered i guess. i just feel pouty faced. cut the just. i feel pouty faced, concerned face. this is how myself feels. i feel bad for myself. i love myself. i feel sigh. i love mysighs. i feel muy uncomfortable. i love my muy uncomfortableness.

    thank you

    i fel rolling my eyes

    i want help angels!!

    thank you

  34.  #34alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 12:38 am

    yae janjune. just be you!!!! i am practicing being me too!! and “if those others don’t like it then why should i give a damn?” – left eye lopez (rip)

  35.  #35Daria on January 3, 2010 at 12:49 am

    i think its more romantic to be a woman who never touches herself, and lets a man awaken her.

    that seems more passionate and pure/healthy

    night time moonlite etc

    this is how i think my godsister thinks

    Why does it matter????

    i feel confused and spun in a whirlwind

    i love myself

  36.  #36Daria on January 3, 2010 at 12:52 am

    but i love touching myself! it makes me feel secure that ima freak! ie im sexual and not boring

    well i guess i love That i touch myself. then i can feel all experienced talking to men about sex.

    i feel tightening

    im soo scheming manipulating strategizing . i love it. i love the fiendish im gonna rope him in get him in my web feeling

    and i feel grossed out by it, by being a huge dry spider. i feel aachk. i love my achk

    i feel uncomfortable. i love my uncomfortable feelings

    i feel irritated and MAD at feeling this way. I DO NOT WAnT to feel this WAY… thank you

    i love myself and all my feelings anyway. i love myselfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
    and all my feeling anyway BITCH. take that. fuck u fuck u die. i love all my feelings…


    FUCK U
    FUCK U
    and FUCK U

    thank u

  37.  #37Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:01 am

    why dont u bitches write something


    i feel terribly uncomfortable writing my feelings. imean feeling my feelings

    i feel mad. fuck

    i feel afraid of being attacked for calling people bitches

    it could be a very feel good and included thing tho

    ima bitch youre a bitch everyobody is a bitch hey

    Bitch Goddess

  38.  #38Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:18 am

    hey. maybe the lady who took care of me when i was a baby caught me touching myself and told me a ghost will get me. cuz shes the one who told me there was a ghost on the roof. and i felt scared.

    who knows. its a good explanation as any. but it just came to me

    i dont want to think that my dad or grandpa touched me cuz well that doesnt feel good nor does it seem accurate from what i know remmember of their behavior

    i feel icky thinking a doctor or some other weird old man touched me. icky.

    i dont know

    but i want to heal this. thank u.

    maybe the lady touched me, but i dont think so.

    i think its possible she may have thought i was touching myself and told me something about the ghost. if i want to i can even imagine this happened, maybe it did

    i didnt really think about touching msyelf till i was like 13. i didnt really know that it would make me feel anything. my cousin said she found out it felt good when she was 9. but i didnt really start touching myself till i was like 18. i think.

  39.  #39janjune on January 3, 2010 at 1:23 am

    i experienced something the other day, after i had gotten triggered.

    about breaking the emotional connection with a man, or with a trigger, or with probably other attachments that i’m not aware of right this moment.

    i’ve been trying to work with rori’s “don’t even *think* about him” Tool and it has been elusive as far as actually putting it into practice. but i had a day*dream* i guess i’d call it, about unplugging from things i don’t want in my life. simply pulling my energy back toward me away from things i don’t want in a manner similar to unplugging a cord and rolling it up in a direction away from the thing i don’t want. that’s it. I can do that! No body else can determine which direction my energy goes! Only me. 🙂

    then further, was kind of questioning in my own mind about how we form those connections to begin with and questioning that sometimes i didn’t even know i’d made a connection so what do you do about that?

    “doesn’t matter. you disconnect the same way.”

    i’ve been trying to find something in rori’s posts about something like this, other than “Don’t even think about him”… really i guess maybe even “the fountain” and “be the lake” but those seem more like not connecting in the first place …this felt like more for when i’m already connected.

    does anybody know of any of rori’s tools that involve pulling your energy back toward you in order to disconnect from an emotional attachment? I’d love to know what it is if she has one.

  40.  #40Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:40 am

    yes. Janjune. There is the “unstrap yourself tool”

    this is like you are strapped to him like to a back pack. i imagine we are actually skydiving. and we are strapped together.

    but then you just unstrap. zip. pull them off… and he falls off of u. and i parachute.

    this works for me.

    it feels relieving

  41.  #41Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:48 am

    i feel soo good! with the Take Charge Experiment AG. nits just liek you said, taking charge ON PURPOSE feels More feminine, and the guys naturally want to take charge. cuz i know im taking charge, rather than doing it out of pattern defense, so i feel feminine and experimenting rather than… mmm not.

    so its working lovely!! the few times i am using it. i feel even MORe secure in my femininty now. and i feel less “rigid” about “rules” like driving to me etc. its not about the rules or getting the date i want. its about my feeling good, and CAN a man do to make my life better. as soon as i relaxed, they seem to relax too. and i no longer feel interested in answering texts etc. if it seems they cant do it.

    its like me taking charge and being more direct … like.

    DO YOU have a car?

    etc. is actually having them go… yes i do mm yes i can get to u i can get to u. hehe


  42.  #42Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Janjune that Unstrap Yourself was from a Rori e-letter, for when a man is taking us “down the tubes”

    i like to imagine skydiving because i can easily picture being strapped on with something there.

  43.  #43alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 1:51 am

    i had this weird dream yesterday and i was on this bench-like thing dangling from a helicopter by two chains and it was me, Tom Cruise and someone else. and we were flying high in the air just on this bench thing and there were no seatbelts or anything and I felt so scared. so scared. and Tom was just all casual and he was sliding down on the bench adjusting his pants or something while I was hanging on for dear life. i felt horrible. Finally Tom put this weird, metal, stake-like contraption with a belt on both sides of me and I was secure again and I felt a lot better but I still felt scared for Tom and the other person.

    It all felt really crazy to me.

    Tom Cruise has frequented my dreams more than once. 😉 Not sure why. It’s not like I just watched or read anything with him in it. Maybe it was the daredevil aspect of the dream.


    maybe Tom Cruise just likes to frequent my dreams. 😉

  44.  #44alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 1:52 am

    i love kanye!

  45.  #45Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:52 am

    I felt touched and understood by that Wild Geese poem

  46.  #46alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 1:52 am

    kanye come visit my dreams!

  47.  #47janjune on January 3, 2010 at 1:55 am

    i love your poem and also your own words a post back:

    “Instead of being fixated at the frazzled end,
    integrate that with the pure sensation of something in nature. Somehow, that admixture of zero triggering + intensity –> peace.”

    i can just see hanging onto those little frazzled threads at the end. that is what i used to call “dealing wih it!”

    haven’t gotten as far in my own triggering experiences as to be able to mix it up with the sensate focus type exercise rori suggests, am still feeling the great and explosive and unharnessed and seemingly uncontrollable RUSH of emotion, but am having what feels like great revelations “to self from self” about the whole issue.

    yes, i want to get off of the blog so much, but will be checking in from time to time to see what’s up. i have enjoyed so much trading information with you and will be reading all your comments when i log in.

    if you’d ever feel interested in taking a portion of rori’s program like even the ebook and discussing it, chapter by chapter, i would like to do that. i want to be a “serious student” of rori’s program and would enjoy the company of others. i don’t know how that could be done, but i think there would be a way.

  48.  #48janjune on January 3, 2010 at 1:58 am

    thanks alias girl!

    who is left eye lopez LOOOL!

  49.  #49janjune on January 3, 2010 at 2:00 am

    thanks daria,
    i must have missed that eletter.
    am going back to look for it now.

    goodnight goddesses!

  50.  #50Daria on January 3, 2010 at 2:05 am

    Janjune – LG and I want to start a Rori meetup on WE are in the san francisco bay area. perhaps you can start one in your area, or join ours if you’re around. we can watch the programs and discuss them .

    also people join freely, so maybe more people will join if we explain it as a women’s relationship study group etc… because that sounds interesting to me and i havent really seen groups like it on meetup.

  51.  #51janjune on January 3, 2010 at 2:25 am

    that sounds wonderful getting together in person with other goddesses. hope you and LG will keep the rest informed. i may try that too.
    i was thinking even about setting up a new email address just for commun. with others about first maybe the ebook, then start with heart connection toolkit and just take one chapter at a time and spend as long as needed discussing how we do the tools, revelations etc. if rori thought that was okay for now.
    i feel straving to be a serious student of rori’s program and commun. with other goddesses about it.

  52.  #52janjune on January 3, 2010 at 2:26 am

    really going to bed this time,

  53.  #53gina on January 3, 2010 at 4:04 am

    I feel curious about your date with your ex. I imagine that if I was invited out by an ex who left me for someone else, that I would feel super curious in advance, and I might want to see if I could win him over, but I’m pretty sure that i would be completely shut off to this man. I can think of several men who I have shut off. Most have been shut off for a long time, so I wouldn’t even care if they were to pop up in my life, but some of them I still have feelings for – like johnny and my boss who i slept with. And it feels confusing, cause I feel longing for Johnny and even for my boss a little if I’m honest….but my pride, or something, kicks in and just says NO. And then I consider how you felt bad in his presence, and my intuition is that it’s cause you’re granting access to a man who who should be denied. But then I notice that word “should.” and it really is that I THINK that these men are no good for me. Even though I do FEEL attracted to them. I’m curious about this…

  54.  #54Katie on January 3, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Rori, this has got me wondering – your response to the quote I posted above, and you say:
    “…by savoring and enhancing and expanding and loving the relationship we have with ourselves – healing ourselves – do we heal him as well? Can we heal ourselves if our motivation is to, by example, heal him and have him?”
    Personally I have come to realise that I need to do some healing work on MYSELF first and foremost. This time last year I had the romantic notion that we could ‘heal’ eachother, and this was my subconscious motivation. But actually what happened was that we both went into our defense mechanisms and caused the relationship to unravel. We’d both been hurt previously (divorce etc).
    I’d love our pasts to be healed and it would be fantastic to get back together. But if getting back together is my primary motivation, I run the risk of more heartache. So I am here learning and growing and sharing.

  55.  #55Rachel on January 3, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Katie… I agree! I spent most of 2009 trying to heal and bring healing to a man who I still believe is a great guy under all the wounds. BUT… he wasn’t on the same inner journey that I am. And so he felt attacked and judged… and I felt frustrated and empty. Now that I’ve begun to focus on my own healing, he is slowly coming back around. And funny thing, I’m not quite so sure that I want to be with him. I can see more clearly now…

  56.  #56tinque on January 3, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Daria – “but im working on healing myself to have that. somewhere along the way ill bet i let go of the first intention, and then later along the way it will come true.”

    Yes, yes. That’s how things transpired with me and K. I knew all along I too had some serious healing to do, but initially I was aching to “fix” him first. I thought if he……..then I could heal faster, more easily, blah, blah.
    When I finally let that go and focused only on me (or mostly), within my healing, he too healed.
    Taking steps back, leaning back. This is making room for all involved to heal. No one can move when the energy is being stifled with anxiety. Opening your energy, allowing space to breathe, then shifting your energy, this feels better, safer, more comfortable for all involved.

  57.  #57Katie on January 3, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Hello Rachel, yes I can see more clearly now too! I agree also that the man I was with had/has some great qualities too. But he still was in deep self protection mode and couldn’t or wouldn’t open his heart. His ex wife’s name would enter our conversations via him on a regular basis, and I would feel so confused about how to react. This was all before I came to Rori’s programs etc, so I was floundering about and making it worse, but mostly just getting hurt and then stuffing my own feelings down…not good.
    This guy hasn’t come back around as yet if he ever does, but with the turn of the New Year I have decided that it is time for me and my heart to move on!

  58.  #58tinque on January 3, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Daria – “i feel like having tinque and everyone read it so i can be like SEE there IS something wrong with me. why?”

    Oh Daria, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Why you are having such visions when you wish to touch yourself really doesn’t matter. I understand how scary they may feel, yet the images themselves, the intensity and the detail are infinitely fascinating.
    You may or may not have some old trauma coming to the fore. When this happens again, may I suggest you try embracing the images. Exercise curiosity. You can try asking the images if they have a message for you. Ask what they want. You may can a response, or not. Either way it’s okay.
    Observe them even more deeply, as long as you feel okay with that.
    Try embracing them just a bit more. Keep doing this to YOUR level of comfort and safety.
    Try touching yourself again. Are the images still there? Have they diminished at all? Changed?

  59.  #59Katie on January 3, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Hello tinque, your words here are great –

    “No one can move when the energy is being stifled with anxiety.” This is exactly what was happening in my life!

    “Opening your energy, allowing space to breathe, then shifting your energy, this feels better, safer, more comfortable for all involved.” And this is exactly where I am aiming now! This time WITHOUT expectation! Yes I still hope but I know I am on a good path now and I am getting my power back.

    Thanks for your insight.

  60.  #60Lola on January 3, 2010 at 10:35 am


    ‘When I finally let that go and focused only on me (or mostly), within my healing, he too healed.
    Taking steps back, leaning back. This is making room for all involved to heal. No one can move when the energy is being stifled with anxiety.’

    This feels wise and reassuring

  61.  #61Rachel on January 3, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Ohhhh…. “without expectation” is so important! I find that it is so easy to sneak hidden expectations in there and do things for the reason of “getting him back.” And then get frustrated and hurt because it isn’t “working!”

    I think for me, things had to get so bad that I basically gave up on him… and there was nothing left to do but start working on me. Now that he’s coming back a little, I’m having to daily remind myself to keep the focus on ME so that I don’t start sending out the wrong vibes again.

  62.  #62Jennifer on January 3, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    oh sirens.
    You are all going to be so triggered. Daria I can hear you now….lol!
    I’ve been a bad girl and not at all siren-like. I’m waiting to feel bad about it but I don’t. I guess I’m just not enlightened or goddessy or whatever. Cerebrally I know it was not cool but I FEEL like “mean girl laughing”
    I went on B’s family’s group on facebook and posted that he was now on facebook and they should add him.
    He does NOT want to add them. He only wants his army buddies etc on there ( I’ve seen his friend’s list it contains women who’s names I’ve never heard)
    I did it cause I was feeling angry and petty and small. I am furious about his secrecy and see it as disdain for the people who were trying to connect with him (me and his sister to name a few.)
    I was hoping that it would start a shit storm when his family figured out that he wouldn’t add them. Then he could deal with the consequences of his behavior.
    I still feel nasty about the whole thing. Nasty and vengeful and sanctimonious. I am feeling like I hope he gets and earfull from his aunt about not adding people.
    I feel disrespectful of his precious privacy. I feel like stomping on the fences and blowing up the door.
    I know *I* am going to get an earful from the sirens …….LOL
    It was not at all what Rori advocates.
    I love my bitchy, mean, nasty vengeful, sanctimonious self. I love my sly, scheming, childish self.
    I just do.

  63.  #63Lisa on January 3, 2010 at 12:04 pm


    I’ll be very interested to hear your expansion on this idea: “by savoring and enhancing and expanding and loving the relationship we have with ourselves – healing ourselves – do we heal him as well?”

    The thinker Krishnamurti said that was the only way we heal the world — by healing ourselves. Anger and violence comes from each one of us, and when we can personally own and extinguish that, then it is no longer in the world. He was writing On War. It makes a lot of sense to me.

  64.  #64Lisa on January 3, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Further on healing ourselves as having secondary benefit of healing others:

    I have to ruefully smile when I think of how many years I took the long way around the barn, thinking to fix a damaged and retreating man by showering him with my attention and analysis, and hoping that he would them morph into the knight errant who would then rescue me. All wrong!!!

    My therapist told me this week, when I asked her how I could entreat a new man to see my needs and meet them, she countered: “What if your new man simply cares enough, and wants to listen and look out for you? What if you don’t have to fight for it?”

    Wow, what a new thought, which goes in line with Rori’s idea of intention. No more fight and struggle. I will receive live, and.or I will paint myself with it.

  65.  #65Lisa on January 3, 2010 at 12:18 pm


    I’m glad the frazzled ends resonated (though we’ll seek to find some really pretty electrical tape with which to bandage them!)

    Like you, I would like to be a serious student of some of Rori’s lessons, and hope we can find a way to do that. I needed to encamp here for the month of Dec, as I was crashing into some big understandings. This board has been a godsend, and I will continue to check in.

    This is a great freewheeling free-fire zone, but I would like to have a study group for precise lessons.

  66.  #66janjune on January 3, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Rori, you are a beautiful person.

    Thank you for sharing your FUTURE LETTER Tool. just finished it here at lunchtime. have been tweaking it. now its done!

    yesyesyes! i see how writing intentions down feels so much more soft and lovely than making “plans”.

    also, how soft, beautiful intentions toward caring for one’s self is highly HIGHLY motivating! in a very loving way. soft is the word i keep feeling.

    i feel peace toward the intentions about taking on the responsibility of caring for my well being.

    i feel mildly elated at the thought of having been so Bold and *outrageous* toward life to stand UP before life and launch my INTENTIONS out into the world instead of leaving them as hopes, dreams or wishes.

    and further,… i feel laughey and chuckley as well as BOLD AND OUTRAGEOUS at *seriously* considering them being what my life is about.

    I KNOW THEY ALREADY ARE!!!!! (laughiness going on inside) after writing them down i can see them just happening. THEY FEEL ATTACHED TO ME… IN A VERY GOOD WAY… good BECAUSE THEY ARE *mine* NOT SOMEBODY ELSES.

    I LOVE YOU RORI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    luvu luvuuuuuuuu ahoohoo, ahoohoo!!! (to music 🙂 ) haha!!

    …it’s up to me.

    to the life-affirmingness in giving myself:
    every. benefit. possible.
    every. possible. benefit.

    as well as for ACTUALLY going out and going ahead
    and actually having the *GUTS* to FUNCTION at my

  67.  #67Lisa on January 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Typo: “I will receive LOVE”.


    You wrote something a while back on the msg. boards that I really loved, and I saved it. I’d like to use on my own blog, which is anti-war blog (rangeragainstwar.blogspot.) I often head my posts with quotes, and I think would be a good one.

    Here is what you wrote — would you allow me to use it?

    “why am i mad cuz being authentic sounds like its gonna make homeland security hate me
    and they tell me that they can listen in even to conversation so now my
    shoulder aching cuz im scared of the consequences of sharing even this little bit of authentic feeling

    and i could be gone tomorrow and u will not know if they abugrahibed me or maybe a car just
    ran me over or maybe my heart burst or maybe they drive byed me and this one time i was
    at the wrong time or maybe i was too open and real and that was the end flash”

    8/25 daria

  68.  #68janjune on January 3, 2010 at 12:43 pm


    would you feel supporting of those goddesses who want to “study” your program together, as in for instance, using a chapter-by-chapter forum to discuss your individual works?

    would just a simple email-type forum be within consideration?
    where someone of us (or you rori) would have a special email address where those goddesses who wanted to get on the mailing list for that address could, and then, as a group, we would start with the first steps of your program (such as possibly with using your ebook to start) and we could just go chapter-by-chapter sharing about how we’ve used the Tools in that that chapter, what happened, snags we ran into, or why we’re afraid to use those Tools in that chapter, how we overcame the fear, revelations etc.
    Then when we’re ready, move on to the next chapter or Tool in that particular work?

    i would be happy to volunteer to set up an email address for this purpose rori.


  69.  #69janjune on January 3, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    serious study of rori’s Tools feels grounding.

  70.  #70tinque on January 3, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Rachel – ““without expectation” is so important!”
    You are s right. Expectations are a perfect set up for disappointment.

    Jennifer – I say enjoy your little vengeful moment. It really wasn’t all that bad. It’s done anyway. You can’t take it back, so beating yourself up isn’t going to change it.

    Lisa – “the only way we heal the world — by healing ourselves.”
    This is spot on. I have experienced it with K, and I have experienced it with family, the ones who are open enough to want that for themselves.

  71.  #71Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    I love this healing chat. A man I date had/has physical pain-before we started dating again I was sharing eft with him….I sent him the link 6months ago. He NEVER looked at it…..instead he kept asking me out and making covert moves on me. Maybe he thought I just wanted an excuse to contact him???? dunno…..but I didn’t intend to date him again….I intended to share something as a friend….so as we dated he’d ask me “what is eft”? for MONTHS -and he kept forgetting… then as he complained about the pain I said try it!……he said ok…but then blew it off… I gave up…….he ended up going for a healing…..and the woman used eft. Funny. I only contacted him to share something for free… he ignores it, pursues me, and then months later pays someone else almost a thousand dollars to get it. I feel grateful that we met this healer and I also feel a big reminder that “MEN ONLY VALUE WHAT THEY PAY FOR”.

    I Feel excited seeing her take his money for healing 🙂 it gives me hope I can get paid healing people too 🙂

  72.  #72Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Nikita UGH! i feel jealous and frustrated !!

    but i feel excited about your perspective about it at the end

  73.  #73Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Lisa Wow! I checked out your blog a long time ago when you first wrote here and i felt SO touched by it! I mean it really opened my eyes that miracles are happening. – in terms of the world shifting thinking.

    Yes you may use it! I feel honored. I didn’t know you were the same Lisa.


  74.  #74Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Janjune: I feel relieved to see you here posting. I felt bad for blasting my anger at you the other day and felt worried you would stay away. This is the same way I feel when I blast my anger at someone in real life. I still haven’t healed this but at least I’m noticing this trigger more (i.e. how I feel when I encounter anger). I don’t want to alienate people. I want this healed. Thank you for being here and activating my trigger. I don’t mean to laser focus my anger at anyone (especially a lovely siren) but sometimes it just happens. I feel grateful for so much of what you share here.

    Daria: I’ve had really strange thoughts while masterbating as well. My thoughts are my thoughts. They aren’t “weird”. Maybe our minds are just open when we want to touch yourself and random thoughts pop up. I like what Tinque said about trying to find the message. I don’t think it’s necessary to assume that having this weird thoughts means something dramatic happened in our past. Sometimes we twist things so it feels that way but a part of me feels curious if this is just our conditioning (movies, news, etc.) that assumes weird thoughts like that mean we’re eff’d up or had abuse in our past. It’s like the first assumption is abuse when maybe it was just a strange vision symbolic of something else entirely.

    LG: I want to have a man that feels like “home” to me. I feel happy reading you are experiencing a man staying over and it doesn’t feel weird. I feel jealous of that actually. I tend to feel freaked when a man stays at my place or I stay at theirs.

  75.  #75Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 2:22 pm


    very perceptive, I did feel frustrated with him too…I rubbed his sore spot and he said it hurt…..and he wanted to wait until he went for the healing…..well then he reported to me that she taught him…..which felt awesome to me that it GOT DONE. but i felt very frustrated when he seemed open to it but he shut down and just wanted to cuddle or whatever……I mean WTF? you ask me and then you reject the info? but then you pay a stranger unbeknownst to you for the same info? I think he’s walking around with egg on his face now-but I am not rubbing it in……I’m surprised he called me and told me…..I think he expected me to say “I told you so”. but I just said “awesome”. I felt relieved that he might feel better and has an intention to heal himself….his voice sounded so much brighter than it has the last few months…….But yeah- DUH…big fat duh!!!! everything he’s/we’re looking for tends to be right under our noses but some people need to pay through the nose to see it.
    She got paid….and I got nothing. Oh well……I got the message: put a price on your time and knowledge how else can I show value….? why would he respect little ol’ me and my free info??? too easy too easy tsk tsk……

  76.  #76gina on January 3, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    feedback that I consistently get from men is that I seem so independent that it’s like I don’t care about them at all and like i don’t need them or even seem interested. are these just weeny men, or what? I’m mildly interested, i’m just not ‘sold.’ but then i’m disappointed that they stop trying to sell.
    something weird happened yesterday with A. We were at work, and he was smily and nice. and I was smiley, but feeling a little defensive, cause somehow our boss seemed to guess that something was happening between the 2 of us, and I wasn’t sure if maybe A had spilled the beans – and if so, I’d feel betrayed. Anyhoo. A asked if I wanted anything from Zippy’s (a local hamburger joint) cause he was placing an order on behalf of all employees. I said no thanks. But then, after I got off work, I decided that I did want some french fries from Zippy’s afterall, and when I got there, A walked in shortly after. And somehow it just felt really weird that I had said no to him, but then did it myself. And I had reasons (if I ordered through him, i’d be stuck with French fries while standing at the front desk. Plus, I might have to wait so long, that I’d be done with my shift by the time he got them.) anyhoo, he walked in and said “Ah ha! so you did want some Zippy’s!” and i sorta explained. And then we talked about what we’d be up to the rest of the day – he was doin nuthin, and I had a few hours before my next shift. and I know that he wanted to hang out. And I cans see how we coulda had lunch together at my apartment and taken a nap, but it didn’t happen. and it has to do with me saying no thanks when he asked if i wanted some zippy’s. I had my own thing in mind, and i guess in the moment, I was more concerned with my plan for french fries than my connection with him, so i missed the opportunity to connect. I’m not even beating myself up – i’m just noticing. this sorta thing happens a lot. girls say that I seem “on my own” too. whatsthadeal?

  77.  #77gina on January 3, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I don’t know if I agree that the payment thing is the issue with this guy…It sounds like he needed to experience results. I don’t get this EFT stuff. I looked into it, tried tapping, don’t get it, so I haven’t invested any more energy into it. But if I really needed some healing, went to a professional, paid, and they performed EFT and I experienced results, then i would value EFT, not because I spent money, but because I experienced firsthand that it works. I have read many praises of EFT, and it’s not that I don’t believe you, I just don’t know WTF you are talking about. And more explanation wouldn’t do anything for me. I see what you’re saying about how he wasn’t really willing to give it a chance – I’m sure that the payment part played a role, but I’m just saying that I think it was the experience, not the investment that was the primary reason for his change of heart.

  78.  #78Allie on January 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    I am getting ready to have my 10th wedding anniversary, and my husband and I are seperated. He is bad for me. He lies, puts me down, and when I had cancer he told me it was my fault. Still, somehow I love him and want it to work. He is a wonderful father, but I know there is someone better for me out there. I seem to either be addicted to him, or maybe it’s just that my self-esteem will be so bad if I cannot make him come back. He says he loves me, but is not sure if he is IN love with me. He loves the kids. I often feel the same about him, so I cannot understand my confusion in this situation. Maybe one of you ladies has better insight. I have tried to work the tools and end up more confused.

  79.  #79Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    Gina, you have a point but I disagree. If you’re LI threw a party and you played hostess organizing the bar and service and all that…..meaning REALLY HELPED because of your experience…but watched as he paid the caterers-service people etc. but gave you zero acknowledgement for your know-how…..and he didn’t pay for your taxi home….or drive you home-whatever…..I think you would feel that there’s no sense in “helping” as it is not valued. He didn’t pay. You may say-why did I bust my ass basically working his party ??? I think you’d resolve to not help any other men in that way. Because it wasn’t valued.

    Again…..I’m ecstatic he got help and he never mentioned his view on it. But when I tried I was left frustrated….I intend to not help any men-any more. If you want help….pay for it. My time and effort is not free. I am not a “volunteer worker” in this romance. My message was a reminder. : we value what we pay for.
    It’s no secret on this blog that I’m hardcore into chivalry and old-school values. The healer he went to is living a life that feels good to me. Instead of feeling jealous, I feel “a ha” make him invest…..If she offered it to him for free he probably would have procrastinated and never followed through but she offered him a holiday discount which incited him to action in a shorter time frame…….currency is an energy and it’s best use seems to be “EXCHANGE” . instead of just “given freely”.

  80.  #80Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 3:43 pm


    p.s. I did do some eft with him on a vacation we took…..he felt better but blocked it out and forgot all about it. This healer he went to didn’t tell him in advance what techniques she used…she just called herself a healer and he made an appt. Once he went through it he told me what she did….and low and behold it’s the same thing. Again….I just love her business model and I view her as a mentor of sorts for myself

  81.  #81gina on January 3, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    I agree with you that how people value what they pay for.
    I probably feel compelled to look at the situation differently cause my dating lessons lately have been about how money doesn’t matter so much. Like the rich guy thinking that I give a crap about his monetary value when i felt bored with him – his “good provider” status seemed to create a dynamic where he was in control, and not really giving me anything at all. And johnny thinking that his lack of income was an excuse to be a total weenie jerk. Or the guy who spent a lot of money on a date, and it didn’t make me like him more. But I’m liking A – he’s low on the fundage, but I’m having lotsa fun.

  82.  #82gina on January 3, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    but, yeah, I also agree that “helping” men is no bueno.

  83.  #83Jennifer on January 3, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    feeling angry.
    Feeling furious
    feeling tired and hopeless
    Why aren’t you taking responsibility for your behaviour? What the fuck are you, a child?
    Fuck you. Yer a douche bag.
    You have no right to stand there and tell me that this mess is MY fault.
    I don’t have a porn addiction. I don’t lie. I don’t refuse to take responsibility for my shit.
    Fuck you. Why are we even talking?
    What is the purpose of this? So you can convince me that this train wreck is my fault?
    I don’t fucking think so.

  84.  #84Jennifer on January 3, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    ok, on the rollercoaster.
    Feeling depressed.
    Like I’m gonna be the “cat lady”
    Like there’s no one for me.
    Like the river of men don’t come round here.
    I know it’s only been a month or so. And really I’m still going ’round with B….arguing out the “what happeneds” so the vibe is not right for a new man to come within a mile of me. But it feels pretty desolate.
    And I’m soooo broke right now. I know this is contributing. I feel like i’m in a deep pit.
    working on sinking down into it.

  85.  #85Daria on January 3, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    I feel triggered by, we value what we pay for. i’ve heard this many times.

    yet i myself value things i get for free very much. even when its the same thing i “pay for” somewhere else.

    so in my experience, that doesnt feel true, it feels like a limiting belief trying to limit me, and also it feels bad. i feel angry and shocked somewhere inside reading it.

    i feel glad i dont believe it! yay!

  86.  #86gina on January 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    the whole we value what we pay for thing triggers me a little too. not really so much in the example that Nikita gave, but the principle applied to dating in general: When i think of it in terms of dating, It feels like prostitution. But I can see how I could date men and let the whole process primarily be about what they buy me. But I don’t think I would find a soul mate that way. I feel like I’d be a prostitute looking for the highest bid.
    I think of my parents… they both are professional musicians in the local Symphony Orchestra. My mom plays flute, and my dad plays clarinet. They are like salt and pepper – they just go together. They worked side by side for the last 28 years, and everybody recognizes that they just seem destined to be together. I can see how the relationship could be enhanced if my mom used some of Rori’s tools, but they have a great marriage. And I don’t think that my mom looked at whether my dad was paying for stuff – I think that they both were giving and giving and giving to each other. And my dad gave in a masculine way and my mom gave in a feminine way and it worked. Over the years, my mom has started to give in a more masculine way, and the result is that the romance has diminished. And i can see that the driving force of the relationship was my dad’s love for her. but i don’t see a courtship where he was needing to pay for stuff to value her – I see that they were two people who really wanted to be together. And that’s what I want.

  87.  #87gina on January 3, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    I love places like Austin, TX, where people use ingenuity to make places beautiful…I like interesting people who have led rich lives…I love finding treasures full of character and history…and I love high quality expensive things too – but I absolutely cannot stand expensive crap. just some thoughts about money and value.

  88.  #88Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    Daria Gina…

    this is my experience “giving” to men. I was giving-subtly, but giving just the same. and I felt rejected to a degree ….
    the “giving” was not valued and I’m not surprised.

  89.  #89gina on January 3, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    yes, I know that giving doesn’t win a man over who isn’t that into me to begin with.

  90.  #90Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Nikita: I would feel amused if a man didn’t take my suggestion but went to someone else, paid for it and it worked for him. Yeah, I’d be wanting to say “I told you so”. (I’m glad you did NOT say that. 🙂 ) Maybe more than the money paying part, he has a romantic feeling for you and men don’t want to be “taught” by women. He couldn’t “hear” you about this because he had to figure it out for himself.

    I don’t think it’s that men value what they pay for. I think men value women who are hard to get. Their paying is a way of proving that THEY are worthy of us. It’s like a peacock showing its plume. Here look at me… I can provide… I can shower you with affection and gifts… I can care for you.

    My current “primary” guy in my rotation (Mr. Fab Kisser) he writes me notes and sends me cards. Totally “free” but it shows he took the time to think of me and write something. I LOVE it. Of course a gift would be nice but for me (no matter what the cost of something) it’s more important that there’s a reason for buying it for ME. Meaning a man could spend big bucks buying me something that had absolutely no meaning behind it (ala tossing me some diamond earrings – “here ya go babe”) and it wouldn’t mean as much to me as a man who brought me a bouquet of wild flowers that he saw while walking his dog and thought I’d like them. Maybe they reminded him of my wild yet sweet nature.

  91.  #91Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Jennifer: I just have to ask… why are you still trying to figure out who was MORE wrong? I feel real defensive reading your posts. I understand you feel angry. What I don’t understand is why you are allowing yourself to stay stuck when (from the outsider perspective), you hate this guy so much? Maybe you don’t hate him? If not, it might feel good to explore why you might consider having him back. If I was on the receiving end of your feelings right now, I would want to shut down and stop the conversation. Nothing in what you have been saying would inspire me to want to come back or even talk. I feel confused about what you want because your words say eff off but continue to write about him speaks to me that you want him back. ???

  92.  #92mary on January 3, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    my family lives in Austin, Dallas and San Antonio.

  93.  #93Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Ackkkk! – Jennifer: I hope my words don’t come off as “don’t write about him anymore”. Just reread my post and hope you know I’m truly interested and curious. I guess I’m sensing you aren’t over this man at all and you’re covering it with anger.

  94.  #94Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 5:33 pm


    I don’t think giving to a man that is into us wins any points either. He was not receiving because that’s my role… receive. Teaching a man anything is a waste of energy. . .and allegedly “masculine”.

  95.  #95Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    HAHa Simply Shannon…..I just read your post and yeah-the feeling of being “taught” is like a man admitting he “doesn’t know what’s best” and yes, I also feel very amused 🙂

  96.  #96Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 5:42 pm


    P.S. THANKS FOR YOUR PERCEPTION. I feel my head opening up a bit now…..I feel more giggly about it….as if the mystery was taken out of my feelings or somethin’ 😉

  97.  #97gina on January 3, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    i agree that teaching a man eft would probably never work romantically. i just mean that I look forward to giving a sandwich an ice cold beer in a frozen mug to a deserving man.

  98.  #98Daria on January 3, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    I want to be ABLE to teach men and still feel romantic. i mean i have many complementary skills i would like to share with a man, like EFT, or math and grammar, etc. So I feel a lil confused about how to go about that, except lately stuff has been feelilng easy breezy feminine, so im trusting that it would feel natural in context.

  99.  #99Nikita on January 3, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    Gina LOL….

    yes! But I was only interested in teaching him as a friend but as time went on he kept asking me out saying he meant to look at the website blah,blah,blah and distracting me with kisses and stuff as I mused to myself-how did I get here? I just wanted him to know about this and now we’re dating???
    huh…? so now at the end…he finally gets it when it was my only intention to bring him the information….I thought we were friends…just friendly at that point….but I got roped in to some sort of romance……I guess ironic is the best word.

  100.  #100Jennifer on January 3, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    No you don’t come off as “don’t write about him anymore”.
    To tell you the truth. I have no idea what I want. I am riffing hoping to get to the bottom of it.
    I WANT to feel done. But I don’t.
    I keep feeling like it’s not done. But he is saying things like “it will be hard to work things out if you get angry every time I say something.”
    Which is fair to say….but I FEEL so angry.
    Rori says that this is usually due to having put so much work into a relationship and not getting what you want out of it. I agree totally.
    Soo much work from me all the time. Trying to understand where he’s coming from. Trying to make myself understood. Trying to figure out what he wants and squash myself to give it to him. Sooooo angry.
    We have been having another running battle. I told him I had talked about my issues with his aunt. He’s furious.
    He says she’s the ultimate chatter box but I disagree. I also said that I needed a guide to the “rules” of his family. There seemed to be all these unspoken rules and taboos that no one would tell me about. If I asked I got shut down pretty quick.
    So I went to the person who WOULD talk to me. The aunt.
    I needed to know why his mother hated me. Why his father kept saying that all women these days are whores. Why nobody talked about when he had cancer as a kid. Why nobody talked about what happened when his nephew who had cerebral palsy was born. Why so and so didn’t talk to so and so. What happened when uncle so and so died.
    But he’s pretty pissed and said that I’ve ruined his relationship with his aunt and he can’t go home for his birthday on the 8th cause he’s publicly embarrassed.
    I tried to explain that it was a function of trying to fit in and give him what he wanted.
    I explained that I had even been to the councilor to try to make myself comfortable giving him the Bdsm sex he wanted but just couldn’t do it.
    I also explained that I figured that most survivors of sexual abuse would FREAK at the idea of BDSM.
    That’s when he said it was news to him that I had that in my past.
    Now I’m trying to process that. I told him when we had been together for two years. I even pointed the guy out on the street. He says he remembers me pointing him out but didn’t understand what I meant when i said “that’s the bad touch cousin” He swears he never knew about it.
    I can tell when he’s lying. I know that he’s not lying about this. I don’t know how he doesn’t know.
    I need to process this.

  101.  #101Erika Awakening on January 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    “And women who are in CONTROL of their
    EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES and who have a handle on
    their own emotional state, know how to do
    something that other women can’t and will never
    be able to fake…”

    Daria, I like Christian’s work, and I also want to say this is NOT the direction I’ve been moving in. When I read copy like this, I notice feeling fear in my body.

    Why is that? Because it makes it seem like there is some mysterious way to be a “perfect” woman, and that it involves being “in control” so as not to be perceived as “crazy,” etc.

    I don’t like it. It feels icky.

    My favorite couple right now is a NVC couple who just got engaged after dating two years. Through their NVC work, they have learned to be just as interested in and excited about anger as about “positive” emotional experiences.

    It’s that kind of wholeness I want in a relationship with a man, not thinking I have to be “in control” in order to give him “positive” emotional experiences.

    I want a guy who can handle all of it, which is why I move toward being able to feel comfortable with all my emotions, even intense rage, fear, or grief. More and more, I attract men who can handle it also. No, not just handle it. Relish it. See the fullness of life in it … grow with it … explore the full emotional range with all its subtleties and meanings the way we’d enjoy a beautiful glass of wine.

  102.  #102Daria on January 3, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Erika – I felt triggered by the in control part too… why did i post that? for the other part in that post. then i figured i mighte post the rest for a context

  103.  #103Daria on January 3, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    i don’t like christian’s wording. In control is masculine and feels weird to me.

    the reason i posted that up there for myself was for this begininng part

    “What kind of women do you think men “naturally”
    gravitate towards?

    What kind of women do you think men
    “instinctively” feel good when they’re around,
    even if they don’t know why?

    What kind of women do you think men understand,
    on a subconscious level and make great long-term

    i can do this EFT thing where i take on qualities i want. so i wanted to use this to imagine that Goddess and take on as myself.

    the rest of it felt triggering.

    I have this other relationship hypnosis thingy “Rousing the Lion” where he says that In CONTROL is a very maculine type of word. as is power, success, etc… blah balh. anyway i dont agree with having to talk that way to get thru to a man

    im feeling good beinga woman.

  104.  #104mary on January 3, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    i can’t seem to take my focus off of R and worry about myself. it just isn’t happening.

    i try to study, but i get distracted. and i have so much to gain if i pass my test!

    i’m focused on him and when he’ll call next and what we said last time and what we’re gonna say next time, and what he did last month, and if he can commit, etc., etc.

    how do i quit thinking about that stuff?

  105.  #105mary on January 3, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    hey, instead of a meetup group, let’s have a retreat! then we can all come…

  106.  #106Daria on January 3, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    i was just going to use that Goddess as a Source. now i jsut did hehe.

  107.  #107Erika Awakening on January 3, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    I posted this on Facebook the other day, from Course in Miracles, and I want to post it here too because it ties in with Rori’s comment about if we heal ourselves he’ll heal too.

    “Be certain, if you do your part, he will do his, for he will join you where you stand.”

    This is part of what I meant on the other thread too, about restoration circles, and expressly ourselves honestly even with intense anger, and all the stuff I’ve posted on my blog that was painful for people to hear but healed me.

    If I heal myself, the other person will change. Not because I was trying to “fix” or “control” him, but because people are connected to us even if they are separated by long distances of space and time. If we shift, they will shift with us.

    This is why I do *whatever* it takes to heal myself, no matter what other people say about it or think of me. I *know* in my heart what it takes to heal, and I know if I heal, everyone in my life will also heal.

  108.  #108alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    mary i remember rori said once we can just let the guy sit on our horse and he can still teach us things. and that we it allows space to stop struggling with trying not to think about him. i still have a guy on my horse. i don’t even know what he’s doing there. but he’s there and ok. it may only be a shift in perspective but it helped me.

    i can remain on my happy ever after.

    i feel like i am not communicating this effectively.

  109.  #109Erika Awakening on January 3, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Healing dissolves the space between people so they can be together 🙂

    “Forgiveness turns the world of sin into a world of glory, wonderful to see. Each flower shines in light, and every bird sings of the joy of Heaven. There is no sadness and there is no parting here, for everything is totally forgiven. And what has been forgiven must join, for nothing stands between to keep them separate and apart. …”

    And this one:

    “How happy you will be to be together, after such a long and lonely journey where you walked alone.”

    That’s my happily ever after, to be securely committed in my holy relationship.

  110.  #110gina on January 3, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    i don’t feel like being together with everyone. I feel resistance. but i do feel lonely.

  111.  #111mary on January 3, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    thanks alias girl… i’m looking for it! i’m feeling the grief starting all over again, from a few years ago, and i’m wondering why i’m up for a second round.

    what’s wrong with me?

    i’m so tired.

  112.  #112Erika Awakening on January 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    lately I’m amazed how often I don’t feel like doing anything, I mean nothing … and yet it feels right somehow … like I really am not supposed to be doing anything.

    surely I was put on this planet to do something other than nothing. lol 🙂

    good night, sisters

  113.  #113mary on January 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    this post has triggered me so much that i’m not really sure how to handle it.

    i feel so JEALOUS and UPSET about whatever R was doing for a year and a half when he was not with me! and I know i feel this way because I wasn’t dating at all. He was constantly on POF, constantly on Craigslist (yeah, I know because I stalked him online), and now he won’t tell me anything because it “isn’t for the best.” I know I shouldn’t ask, because it’s HIS BUSINESS. But he was asking me about the guy I was dancing with, so I very pointedly looked at him and said, “Well, what about YOU? What were you doing for a year and a half?” And he shook his head. He said he wasn’t gonna tell me. I asked, “So you’re not proud of it?” and he said “No.”

    oooooooooooh. that makes me CRAZY! i’m UPSET. very MAD. very sad. out of my element! not my nice, easy-going self!

    and get this… the ad that he put on Craigslist that was kind of a proposal… he left it there, but changed the title from “Gentleman wants His True Love,” to “Gentleman Loves You.” He told me that he was getting more hits on his pronouncement of love to me than he’d ever gotten on any of his other Craigslist ads. When he told me that, we were basking in the glow of the proposal, and I just didn’t get it then…

    So last night he asked me if I’d seen it on CL. I told him no, I wasn’t looking. But I wondered why he asked. It was right after we discussed dating other people.

    So… I connected the discussion (talking about dating others) with the proposal (and all the hits it got) and started getting REALLY mad and upset, and I wrote him this email:

    (Oh, this is so embarrassing, but here it is, sirens…):

    “You were asking if I’d seen that Craigslist ad lately.

    The ad you wrote just for me was written 11-28-2009.
    Gentleman wants his True Love
    You said you got lots of hits on it.

    The other one, with the more generic title was written 12-03-2009.
    It should still be online.
    Gentleman Loves You
    Probably even more hits with this title, eh?

    Brilliant use of a public proposal.”

    Ooooooh. I should have read Rori’s post first.

    I feel HURT by what happened when we were away from each other. I feel TERRIBLY UPSET to think about him with other women. I feel JEALOUS.

    And somehow I have to focus on ME? Really? Sure, I’ll just crack open my books and study for a while…

  114.  #114Erika Awakening on January 3, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    Mmm, Mary, sounds like time for karma unwinding to feel better …

  115.  #115gina on January 3, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    the dove campaign is such a major trigger for me. It’s so weird. The true beauty stuff has been so great, in that I put forth a lot of effort a year ago, and opportunities have rolled in even though I haven’t put energy forth lately. This shows me that the workshops are valuable to people, and I feel encouraged to continue. I sent an email to the head guy of Dove, to let him know about my workshops, and he congratulated me and said he’d like to know more, but I somehow felt disappointed. Even though I KNOW BETTER, i expect opportunities to happen like they did during the dove campaign…. where I was at work at the tea cafe, noticed I had a missed call from the Dove PR people, checked the message and found out that we were going to be on Oprah. and Ellen. And on and on and on. I long for cars to pick me up and take me out. but just thinking about it makes me want to pick my skin. I feel disappointed that I got SO LUCKY without doing a thing, and now, I will have to do so much work to just get paid to do something really good. And I feel guilty, like I’m whining. I don’t mind working hard. I just need to make my mind up about how hard i’m willing to work, and what is it that I want to achieve.
    I’m gonna go write out ideas (the new years letter and all), but right now, I’m just noticing, that receiving the letter from the Dove guy took me back to a totally small depressed unhappy place.

  116.  #116mary on January 3, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    okay… maybe my karma will unwind…

  117.  #117Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Allie – tell me please about how you’ve “worked the Tools” – because a man who lies and puts you down and blames you is full of anger and fear…Once you can get THAT out in the open – there’s hope for your marriage. Please keep commenting and we’ll help you…Love, Rori

  118.  #118Mocha on January 4, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Happy New Year Ladies! It’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’ve kept up with a few of the blogs. I must commend you all on your growth as I’ve read a few of the postings over the year. Here’s something I wish to share with you all that seems fitting for a new year. I feel that it fits right along with Rori’s tools and advice. My wish to you all is more love, more joy and more happiness! You are deserving of your heart’s desire!

    A Simple Vow
    I pledge that I will no longer betray myself in any relationship. I will communicate how I think and feel honestly, with compassion for the other, but without attachment to how she or he receives my communication. I trust that by telling the truth and honoring myself, I am in communication with the Beloved. I will no longer try to ‘make a relationship work’ by sacrificing myself to try to meet the needs of another.

  119.  #119Karen on January 4, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Hi Rori

    I’m writing this here because I can’t find the place to ask a question.

    Now the question:

    What does this ‘guy speak’ mean: ‘do you want me?’

    I know it can mean just physically, but that is not his meaning here.

    Thanks Rori

  120.  #120Linda on January 4, 2010 at 8:34 am

    I have been away from the computer for days. I have not been able to read all the comments. I just want to post.

    Rori you are a genious. I have not written any letters to myself yet but I am totally with you on this wave length.

    I have been on a journey this last year. This year I have goals to acheive. Last year at this time all I wanted was to have the only man I have ever really loved back in my life. I felt desperate. What a difference a year makes!

    Instead of getting him back … I got something better. I got/found me! The missing piece in my life was not a great relationship with a man but a great relationship with me. That is the single most important ingredient for success and has set my stage great things to come.

    I think the thing that has changed the most is an inner contentment. My happiness does not depend on finding a relationship any more. Even though I really want a fantastic love relationship, my mental energy has shifted. I have in no way arrived and have more to learn and experience but this year is starting so much better than last and I am headed down the road toward my goals. Better equiped to deal with what life throws at me.


  121.  #121Linda on January 4, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Amen MOCHA! Well said. Even better lived.

    Thanks for your post.


  122.  #122Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Erika and Daria – I so get this trigger. I feel it whenever someone says “relax” — it’s as though someone is suggesting I change my “feeling” state – rather than suggesting some outer change that would help me relax – like, I’m not so triggered if someone says “breathe from your belly.” I do think that what Christian is saying here is not so much about having a “handle” on our feelings as being in touch with and okay with our feelings. This way, we are the “first in” about our feeling state…Anger is so crucial to relationships – anger and fear can run the dynamics of a relationship if we don’t get into them. To me, though, when we’re filled with rage – being able to express it – even in a scream – WITHOUT attacking the other person is essential – and that does require some control over ourselves. It requires practicing NOT trying to control another person. Practicing NOT making another person responsible for how we feel…while holding them accountable for their own behavior/promises etc…and letting them know how what happened between you triggered you and how you FEEL…It’s all about feeling instead of “acting out.” That, to me, is how we heal, and we each have to experience that process for ourselves. Sometimes, pushing the “acting out” to an extreme (sometimes these things are so subtle we don’t even notice that we’re doing them to ourselves…) – helps us actually “get” the construction of old beliefs and behaviors and makes shifting things go much faster. For me, though, baby steps —especially when it feels chaotic – is the way to go. Love, Rori

    The secret here, for me…is in ending blame. In ending trying to find what came first, the chicken or the egg of “who started it” – and simply unravel the defenses, the actions, the feelings…with the intent to heal. Before I want to even consider what something “looks” like – I want to experience what something feels like. Such a rich place to jump of from. Love, Rori

  123.  #123Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 11:51 am

    karen, Welcome, and great question. Here’s my answer – if a man says something you don’t understand – ask him for clarification right there! In other words, the way we women do ourselves in all the time is in trying to GUESS what’s going on. How much simpler to just ask. To this question…you could say – “…if you mean physically – yes, I feel so good with you, I feel turned on. You’re so cool. Or are you asking me if I want to marry you and be with you forever and ever?” Love, Rori

  124.  #124alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    gina i feel supportive. i feel curious why people believe they must work hands to the bone to achieve something. in my opinion, people just have set belief systems learned from others. so i understand because those are beliefs of our culture.

    you are living proof that things can happen naturally without killing yourself.

    two things. 1) with every cell of my being, i believe in the law of attraction. and because of this, my thoughts and beliefs are far more powerful than any physical “actions” i may take in the world
    2) though this may sound contradictory, i am all for taking “action” in the physical universe. if it feels good. if it feels awful then i, personally, might want to wait on taking that action.

    taking “action” is part of the fun of being human. i like to do, be, have, think, feel, experience etc.

    i feel supportive, gina. i can feel that your true beauty workshops are in your heart. i feel confident you will find a way to move forward, baby step by baby step, in a way that makes the journey feel just as good as the destination.

    no reason you can’t have fancy town cars coming to pick you up. i see that for you. 🙂

    and how FANTASTIC that the Dove guy expressed interest!!! i feel excited about that!! maybe you will run the workshops as an extension of Dove. who knows. i feel excited to hear how things unfold for you.

  125.  #125gina on January 4, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    thank you very much Alias Girl. I want Dove to sponsor me. They haven’t said “no” – I haven’t even asked. But somehow I feel all mixed up about the law of attraction here: cause on the one hand I felt like the role I played in the Dove Campaign wasn’t some chaotic coincidence – it felt like a coincidence, as in coordinating incident – full of wonderful purpose and opportunity. So, when i moved to NY and had SUCH A HARD TIME, i felt like I failure. And sometimes, it’s reassuring to think that the whole thing was just so LUCKY and I didn’t deserve the good part, and I didn’t deserve the bad part. I simultaneously crave the adrenaline of feeling so high, and FEAR the fall. I’ve been on a good track of attracting wonderful things that I love in life…I feel disillusioned by mainstream media, I am happy to attract simple joys. I feel a mix of things, and recognize that I’ve healed a lot since my time in New York, but when i received the email from him, I realized that I still have some healing to do. My perspective is that I want to have my own thing going strong, and I don’t NEED Dove. If it would be mutually beneficial to team up, it’d be awesome, but I’ll be fine either way. Right now, my priority is to find funding from some organization so that I can simply share the program with as many girls as possible. That’s my perspective, and I just need to catch up to it emotionally – somehow, I’ve realized, that my sense of self worth is tied up in Dove’s approval and use of me – and I am left feeling inadequate and resentful. I know better, and I am happy to be completely free from the pressure to be rich and famous.

  126.  #126gina on January 4, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    and I agree that putting forth effort and energy doesn’t have to be “hard work.” but I also think there’s a reason why lots of people who have been on reality tv have committed suicide. i believe in dreams, but I don’t want to be so caught up in a fantasy, that reality sucks in comparison.

  127.  #127alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    gina i feel weird to have reality tv mentioned when the discussion was about the true beauty workshops. weird. suicide and reality tv. weird. because i express an interest all the time about wanting to be on tv, reality or otherwise. do you have that same interest? wow it feels so weird to hear that comment come from seemingly out of nowhere. i didn’t know that there was a stastic of a higher rate of suicide for people on reality tv. is that accurate?

    well i certainly don’t feel supported or understood but i do feel certain that people’s views and beliefs, both negative and positive have to with their own selves.

    it would feel great to be supported on this blog. but i understand people have their own issues and triggers.

    i was trying to be supportive and friendly. i feel stabbed in the heart.

  128.  #128mary on January 4, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    awwww… alias girl… i think you are a starfish siren. : )

  129.  #129mary on January 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    and a rockstar woman. : )

  130.  #130gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    sorry AG – I didn’t mean that towards you…the Dove campaign was like a reality tv experience. that’s what I meant. We were “normal girls” who got to have a celebrity experience – that’s what I meant.

  131.  #131gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    I feel bad AG – I was trying to say that I felt depressed after my 15 minutes…and lately I have been hearing of people who suffered from depression and committed suicide after getting a taste of fame. I have a friend who struggles with living in reality …I didn’t mean anything towards you at all, except the part where I was thanking you for support….

  132.  #132alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    thank you gina. i feel appreciative of your apology.

    it was weird because i had a comment on my blog as well discouraging me about reality tv that i believe had come from you. it said pretty much the same thing you had said here. i had addressed it on my blog in a good spirit and i thought that was the end of it.

    i don’t want to be discouraged about something i feel interested in. i understand reality tv may not be for YOU. and that YOU may have suicidal feelings in relation to fame.

    i feel weird saying something but this is what is coming up for me. and i am trying to deal with it as directly as i can while still being loving.

    i can’t control other people’s actions or what they choose to say or do but i can say it causes a rift in my trust with a person when things like this happen and i feel the urge to kind of write the person off as someone i could trust or get close to.

    what do you think?

  133.  #133gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    and I was saying that I believe I will feel grounded if I put forth focused effort, as opposed to being swept up into a false sense of glory. And the true beauty workshops are about that, too – about embracing real life, not the fantasy the media sells. And I believe that the fantasy is fine so long as it serves me well, and I’m not a slave to it. I felt unhappy cause I didn’t maintain fame, and I don’t ever want to life like that again. And, actually, I felt unhappy before the Dove campaign, cause I wanted fame. And then during the dove campaign i was on a rollercoaster ride of bliss and terror cause I was scared that i wasn’t worthy of the fame and that i wouldn’t be able to maintain it. and when i say fame – it’s not even like I wanted “popularity” -I just desperately wanted to be a part of pop culture, even though I think pop culture sucks…it just seemed to be where it’s AT. And now I feel able to embrace simple pleasures, which is good – cause for a long time after the campaign, I felt like I was just waiting to die, cause nothing was going to be as exciting as what I had already experienced.

  134.  #134gina on January 4, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    i’m not trying to change your mind here, AG, I’m just explaining why I felt triggered by the email from the Dove Guy. I did comment on your blog – I felt triggered by your experience on the late show. from now on i will be more careful to separate my feelings from your perspective.

  135.  #135alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    i felt weird to have “reality tv” come up again out of the blue. i understand you are saying it had nothing to do with me. i feel weird. i feel distrustful. i also feel compassion. something about me triggers certain people to attack me. i feel uncertain why (jealousy?) but i feel less and less concerned about it. i am sure if i keep on my path it will stop happening altogether.

    i feel unclear what “separate my feelings from your perspective” means.

  136.  #136gina on January 4, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    I feel defensive. I was writing about MY feelings.

  137.  #137gina on January 4, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    When I wrote the comment about reality tv and suicide, I was referring directly to something my mom said to me on the phone last night when she was trying to give me a pep talk out of the funk i was in. I was being self absorbed. i was aware that other people have other opinions and other desires, but I was writing about me, FOR me. I could have been more careful with my words – I was responding to your point of view about the law of attraction. not your point of view about reality tv. But i am aware of your point of view about reality tv, so i could have been more careful.

  138.  #138gina on January 4, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    and when i posted on your blog I was writing TO you, stating an opinion. that’s not what i was doing here – I was processing my own stuff. I’m sorry to hear you felt attacked.

  139.  #139gina on January 4, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    I just reread the comment about suicide. and I can see that it does look weird random and out of the blue. I am sorry – I think I’d feel attacked, too, given the out of blueness, and the fact that you have shared a desire to be on reality TV. I am sorry I came off that way.

  140.  #140alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    thank you gina. i feel really heard and understood. i believe it is completely porrible it’s just a coincidence or maybe something unconscious, who knows. i don’t want to alienate you.

    i feel really understood.

    i’ve said random things before and later was like hmmm maybe i could have said something else. i remember once i was in a writing class and i was talking about some guy who had a tatto but for some reason i switched the location of the tattoo to the lower back and then said something disparaging. and a girl in the class had a lower back tat. AND I REALLY LIKED HER. but i believe for me it was something unconscious and then i didn’t even know how to apologize. and so i never did. i still feel bad about it, obviiously. (i forgive myself)

    i’m not saying this was the same type of situation i was just triggered to remember it.

    anyway. i feel better having read your words and having said something. what do you think?

  141.  #141Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    This comment is from Eva, who emailed me through Customer Service because she couldn’t get the blog entry to go through…Eva – if you’re out there…try again!

    Dear Rori,

    I would like to have the letter below put on the blog page – and receive some advice from you. Many thanks, Eva – I could not find out how to send this any other way.

    Dear Rori,
    I thought I was going to be writing to you with a success story but within two days it turned into a disaster story again. I have been living with a man for nearly 22 years; we started out very much in love and began living
    together a year later. Living with him has never been entirely easy (he is a difficult, complex, perfectionist and brilliant man) but we built a life together. After 6 years the sex stopped.

    Then, after 21 years of loyalty to me (I am sure of this) he got involved with another woman, someone he respected intellectually and was in love with. He told me about it as soon as I returned home from a long trip
    abroad. He treated me extremely cruelly, saying mean things that he needn’t have said, instead of trying to let me down gently. He wanted me to stay with him at home, but he continued to visit her overnight once or twice week. After three weeks of this, and after not being able to convince him to move out to spare me the drama and hurt, I moved out and house-sat for 5
    weeks. But I still instinctively knew where he was most of the time.

    When I moved back as we had agreed, he apologised profusely, said he had lost his head, and that the mean things he said were stupid. But he still continued to go over there!!

    During the 4th month of the affair I finally made my mind up to tell him that it was no life, me being at home and him sleeping with someone else, and he agreed. We were seeing a very good psychological counsellor and in front of her he swore that the next time I came home he would not be doing that anymore.

    Within a week or so he renigged, but he then got back on the track again. While I was away the next time he tried to break up with her but it didn’t stick (at her end). So the NEXT time, he really did break up with her and
    for the past 5 weeks he has been here, we have tried to get along etc. He says that asked me back for every reason.

    Now it’s the New Year, he’s been really sweet and thoughtful but it’s still like brother and sister living together. I thought we would never get to the intimate stage again, nor would he ever make a commitment, like getting married.

    Then a few nights ago (he’d had a bit too much wine) he was all over me, aggressively for HOURS. The next morning he was the same. It was a pretty violent and knockabout (not the gentle, caring love-making that I had dreamed of), but I was thinking the whole time, at least he seems to like my body after all this time – he was complementary etc etc. But the next day, the reality was like a college guy getting drunk, doing such a thing and then never calling the girl again.

    I am confused, he too is confused, but he also says that perhaps this would be the start of something new (well, it certainly broke the ice).

    He subjected me to 6 months of repeated humiliation, hurt, huge inconvenience, uncertainty, embarrassment etc. I suffered greatly but rode the waves. Finally he breaks up with her and starts to be really lovely to me, and now this! It’s the final straw for me…my inclination is to freeze him out, cancel all of our plans, get on with my work. I don’t wanted to be sucked in by him like this one more time.

    Rori, I love the guy, he is my family, he’s grown on me, we are an institution (we both admit that), he says he needs me etc etc etc but I never know when I will meet another nasty surprise around the corner.

    The bottom line here is that I am afraid to leave and to live alone (though I have gobs of wonderful friends). Everyone including him, tells me that I am a warm, attractive, funny, intelligent woman, and I think that’s roughly correct. So why would I be afraid to live alone? Or should I ride this wave too in case the next wave is the good one?

    Is there any good literature out there about splitting up and living alone? I would really be grateful for your insight.


  142.  #142alias girl on January 4, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    possible not porrible.

  143.  #143Erika Awakening on January 5, 2010 at 12:01 am

    SS (and Daria from last thread),

    Thanks for the kind wishes about my procedure. It doesn’t look or feel pretty right now but it’s all for the good. I’m actually happy about it cuz it’s something that had annoyed me for a long time that I finally got remedied as a gift to myself.

    And who said Western medicine doesn’t have anything to offer? 😉

  144.  #144Flipper on January 5, 2010 at 4:10 am

    Recently a friend thanked me (again) for telling her about “not taking things personally” – that people mainly do, think, say things in relation to themselves, whether consciously or unconsciously something might relate to someone else. She said it’s helped her a lot to get calm and not go ballistic, as she was harming herself as much as those she lashed out against (and even anyone else in the vicinity – not good for business or friendships). She still has the means to react, if necessary, but in a way that doesn’t disserve her.

    I take my own advice in 2 different ways, having been more of doormat type. For me, whether the hurt was unintentional (which I always wanted to believe, no matter what) or intentional (which I must learn to accept as a possibility), My Feeling hurt, disrespected, assaulted is Paramount to ME and I don’t want to disregard it, but cherish those feelings and nurture them till they help me take care of myself. Either by dealing directly with the person (feeling message, showing my boundaries, “what-do-you-think?”-ing and then judging on how they fix things, or not; or by leaving them out of my life (their loss).

    AND the second way is not to hamstring myself with concerns, fears, second-guessing what others may or may not “take the wrong way” or find unacceptable in what I say. I know my intentions are good (though I try to remember that hell is apparently paved with such things) and they mostly concern myself, which includes wanting to put out there my experiences, opinions, lessons learned so that someone can draw on my influence If They Want to. I’m a girl here, so I tend to say things indirectly, and I’m aware this is often felt as manipulative. I’m trying to be more direct and Personal, so the other can feel my care but also feel free to challenge me if they feel triggered. I Don’t Want to give Advice of the ‘you should’ sort – I rarely feel I have more than an element to offer for their consideration (or not).

  145.  #145DocK on January 5, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Not directing this to anyone – just thoughts coming with the New Year about love, relationships and women I have been close to and what they have gone (are going) through and my own stuff…

    What if, in the middle of the hurt, anger, pain, upset, frustration, rage, fury, sadness, despair and fear that we feel in losing someone (break-up) we also chose some new feelings…hope, anticipation, excitement and joy. Why? Because as much as we know we need and deserve to feel the grief and all that it means when we are releasing a relationship we can also know that we are doing that other thing Rori recommends, saying no to what we don’t want so we can say yes to what we do want. Even if it wasn’t our idea…we want the best and that includes the guy that would move heaven and earth to be with us. The guy that doesn’t play games of “come here, wait, no go away.” The guy that is as ready as we are for amazing, loving, healthy, playful, passionate, trustful and committed in the way that feels good to us. What if we continued to do what Rori recommends…to vision it with all of our senses – how does he touch us; what does it feel like to touch him? What does he smell like – soapy and clean, wearing our fave men’s cologne, or are you a girl that likes a guy that works on cars and smells a little bit “oily”? What is he like as a lover? Does he step into the shower with you and soap you up and go from there? Does he chase you around and touch you as you just get home and are trying to set things down and you pretend to be mildly annoyed but he knows you feel pleased and happy? Does he take you in the middle of the night – awakening you from a deep sleep with his caresses and kisses? Does he like you to dance for him or with him? What does he look like (although sometimes the truth is such a surprise – even to you when you find him)? Does he wear boxers or briefs? Is he surfer dude with long wavy hair or wall street dapper in French cuffs and cufflinks? What might be his hobbies? Harley biker or speed bike? Swing dance or hip hop? Football or chess? Anyway, I like this exercise and I am getting carried away…

    Again, I take to heart what Rori says, “How can you say yes to what you do want if you can’t say no to what you don’t want?”

    Saying “YES!” is easy if we are lucky enough to have it right in front of us. But what if we don’t? AND what if we haven’t felt a resounding “YES!” to much of anything we’ve seen in awhile. That is when it feels so hard to say “NO!” (dammit!) to what we don’t want because of fear – fear that maybe this IS “as good as it gets,” fear that we’re going to die alone or be alone for years or never get married or never have babies or whatever it is that we are so afraid of that either will or will never happen.

    I guess maybe that’s what circular dating feels like to me – like “little” yes-es to feel our way through to the big yes as we practice feeling, being authentic and seeing how that plays out, taking baby steps of little no’s that can become big NO’s that we might not have had before but we do now because we have learned what our boundaries are and how to practice them.

    In my own life, I have been surprised to look back at some of the things I did not say NO to – some of the boundaries I felt squealing inside of me but didn’t bother to honor. I got better at it with time and I am a work in progress.

    (Lifting a glass of champagne to Rori and the sirens for wisdom I’ve soaked in from all of you.)

  146.  #146mary on January 5, 2010 at 10:53 am

    he wears boxers!

  147.  #147Vicki Kerns on January 5, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Rori, I just LOVE your e-newsletters. They are so inspiring. The holidays were kind of rough for me. Not only was I missing my mom (2nd year of holidays without her), but I was missing the “guy.” And I’ve been trying so hard to get him out of my mind. Praying every day to get him out of my heart.

    I just read your blog, “Don’t Let Go of Him, Take Him With You” and WOWEE, did that hit home. No kidding, the harder you try to get someone out of your mind, the further it digs into your brain. But I walked myself through the questions you said to ask yourself and filled in so much. This is such a smarter approach and I felt relief after approaching it from this angle.

    Not only am I working on your other tools, but this will be a daily “workout” in my life. And I know the more I do it, the easier it will get. Thank you so much for all of these wonderful tools. There really is a light at the end of the rainbow. And another visualization that I have too is running into him and I have this wonderful man on my arm who adores me, and I thank the “ex” for what he did for me.

  148.  #148tinque on January 5, 2010 at 11:02 am

    This is so beautiful Miss DocK.
    Love you lady….

  149.  #149mary on January 5, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Oh, Rori! I just read Eva’s story and was waiting for your comment!

    Wondering what you might say to her!

    Eva, I went through a divorce about four or five years ago. It was pretty awful. The guy found someone else and moved in with her right across the courtyard from me, in the same complex. I could see her come to the bedroom window (of the condo I owned with him), lower the blinds and flick off the light.

    I was scared to live alone, too. We had just moved to Canada and I knew no one here.

    I immediately enrolled in a divorce recovery program, and the photography club, and cafe philosophy and I took a course in web design at night school (LOTS of cute guys there!), AND joined a church, and signed up for two or three bible studies…

    I was afraid of being alone, so I wasn’t alone for a long time! I went for a long visit to Texas to be with my family, then I came home and got busy with activities and dating, and then got engaged! Two years later; broke up and THEN…

    THEN… I was able to spend time alone. I dropped out of most of the activities and just stayed home. Read books. Did therapy workbooks, etc. Listened to Rori CDs, driving around in my car, looking at the ocean.

    And I loved that time with just me!

    And now I’m easing back into the activities and soon I will be circular dating again!

    Living alone can be an exciting adventure.

  150.  #150Simply Shannon on January 5, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Dock: Thank you! Saying no to what we don’t want leaves everything open. I can say yes to the things I do want and yet still feel surprised because there are so many things I don’t even know I want that I can still say yes to! I love feeling curious and open. I love all the questions you asked.

    Why does it feel so challenging to break free of the things I don’t want, especially when they are packaged up in a person with a lot of qualities I do want? I fool myself into believing I can live with certain things, believing the good outweighs the bad. And maybe sometimes that’s okay. To remember no one is perfect… that there’s a balance. It’s learning what I truly value (boundaries) versus things I don’t want in my life.

    Thank you Dock! Sipping champagne with ya! 😉

  151.  #151tinque on January 5, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Eva – I have a BIG question. Why did the sex stop after six years? I have another question. Why did you continue to stay together?

  152.  #152Lola on January 5, 2010 at 11:31 am

    I feel horrified he lived opposite you with another woman. This has happened to a friend of mine and I think ‘OK you’ve gone, you are with someone else, now get out of town!!!
    But maybe you had to be shown this to get you moving forwards and look at you now!!!!! You are sounding so positive, it feels like there will be a very positive year ahead for you!

  153.  #153DocK on January 5, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Thank you my lovelies – you do inspire me so!

    Mary – “Boxers” cool. I had a guy that had the most beautiful body and he would wear all sorts of stuff I liked – everything looked good. I like to dress up for my man so I appreciate it when he returns the favor – YES!

    VK – I’m with you. I love the “take him with you” email. I do think it can be so helpful. From my last “serious” relationship, I learned a lot about boundaries and yes and no and I think I can use that/him to look at future relationships. I know that I might be able to hear him say, “Hey, you see that there…remember when I said/did that and you didn’t use your voice to tell me what you were really feeling? SPEAK!” and other messages. AND I like your vision of being with the right man and running into the other guy and thanking him for helping you to get what is really right for you.

    SS: For me, I know “sticking with” some things are because they are just familiar. Rori getting me to tap into my feelings helps me to question more but you are right, noone is perfect, and I am certainly not, it is definitely a matter of boundaries and what are deal breakers and others are differences that we can work with.

    MORE champagne!!!

  154.  #154Nikita on January 5, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Tinque – Eva,

    yeah, why did the sex stop after 6 years????? Does that mean 15 years of NO SEX ??????

    I feel confused.

  155.  #155alias girl on January 5, 2010 at 2:54 pm


  156.  #156gina on January 5, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    wow…I feel amazed by Eva’s story.

  157.  #157Tracy on January 6, 2010 at 1:53 am

    “Saying “YES!” is easy if we are lucky enough to have it right in front of us. But what if we don’t? AND what if we haven’t felt a resounding “YES!” to much of anything we’ve seen in awhile. That is when it feels so hard to say “NO!” (dammit!) to what we don’t want because of fear – fear that maybe this IS “as good as it gets,” fear that we’re going to die alone or be alone for years or never get married or never have babies or whatever it is that we are so afraid of that either will or will never happen.”

    I felt like this for such a long time and you said it just right….I was so afraid to say NO to anything because i always felt that this was the BEST I COULD EVER HAVE…
    so i allowed so many things to go on even when i felt bad about them because i was afraid that if i didn’t then maybe i would loose out on the marriage,the children..the dream home etc….
    Just reading your post made me remember just how much IN FEAR i was living.I was always in fear of this or that or of lacking this or that…..My thoughts were full of it….
    You know at first when i strated circular dating i hated the men i was attracting and i even felt it was pointless because i kept noticing their faults and the way they were not this or that…..
    I know see that these men only projected a lack of love for myself…i now see that i need to work on loving and accepting myself completely no reservations and the more i do that the more i feel that i am really experiencing the love and affection that i have always wanted.Then men are also stepping up and i am getting to meet more and more men who are more aligned with me…..Its amaizing to experience how it all turns out…Hugs!

  158.  #158Flipper on January 6, 2010 at 4:11 am

    Trinque ! (clink in French)

    Mary, I felt tickled to read about your Philosophy Café (even if you don’t go anymore). I love them. I’m going to my English one tonight in ‘downtown’ Paris, and have other French ones out in the ‘burbs. Always lots of men there.

    Sounds weird, I know, but they’re not just for egghead. In fact, it’s philosophy for Everyone and scholarliness is discouraged. I’ve never formally studied it, nor read any books except one novelized one. But if you like thinking about and discussing life in depth, or just listening in, they’re fun. Of course, things get pretty ‘thinky”, but I love to ‘remind’ people of the feeling and psychological aspects. And say my ‘I feels’ and ‘don’t wants’ when I hear supposedly consensual statements from men like “of course, we all want to be the Top Dog, richER, MORE powerful than others”. I Don’t Want that for Myself, and I know most of the other women don’t either, as a defining attitude in their lives, cuz they come and tell me afterwards, if they haven’t spoken up during the meeting.

    So if you are curious, google or philosophy café – usually open meetings in a public place. I feel these are good places to work on a more balanced approach to our human condition. In the meantime, it feels nice being in an activity where the balance is more men than women (but not overwhelmingly so).

  159.  #159DocK on January 6, 2010 at 7:33 am

    Hey Tracy – I am glad that resonated with you and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are on a really great path now.

    We women have always had the messages that don’t help our fears – we used to be called “old maids” if not married by a certain time and then there was the article (I think in the 1980s) in Newsweek about the “chances of a never married woman over 40 getting married…” of course being scant.

    Ooohhh la laaaaa – I like the French clink (and to you Flipper – I want to visit Paris someday).

    I like this Philosophy cafe thingie – going to see what is around in NYC!

    I have fears too – my parents are in their 80s (though healthy still) and my siblings are in another state so I experience “alone” fears at times. I am pretty good with my own company but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a great guy to share life with and sometimes I have a hard time hanging on to that vision of what it would look like. I know Rori is so right, though, every time that negativity comes up I have to STOP and go back to the vision.

  160.  #160tinque on January 6, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Flipper – “Tinque ! (clink in French)” Clinque? Salut!

  161.  #161Kate on January 10, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have had your Modern Siren & Targeting Mr. Right programs for 8 weeks and 4 weeks, respectively. I have not had any dates during this time, even though I was on vacation for 3 weeks and practiced the Tools as best I could. I am over 50 so maybe these programs are only for younger people? I have been single now for 6 years and have only had a handful of dates during this time. Please help! Thanks!

  162.  #162Rori Raye on January 11, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Kate – tell us how you’re living your life, please…are you using the online dating sites? Are you going to classes and sporting events and lectures and speedating? Are you smiling at every man there is? Let me know…Love, Rori

  163.  #163Vicki Kerns on January 11, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Hi Kate – I’m 53, 54 next month, and haven’t had what you call a regular dating life in years. I am currently moving forward from someone I was in love with (imaginary relationship). I think it is more challenging for us older gals, but it is possible, nonetheless. I have memberships on and eHarmony (don’t care for eHarmony…they keep trying to hook me up with guys 100s of miles away). Just the other day, I finally got a “wink” on Match from a local guy. I’ve been on there for about 3 months. So it wasn’t an overnight success.

    Check online in your area to see if there are any singles groups that you can join. They will have activities such as dances and get-togethers. What do you enjoy doing? Is there a hobby or some type of event you enjoy? Museums, etc.? Be creative. Think creative. Check the paper for other events in your town and make plans to go.

    Rori’s tools are definitely NOT just for younger women. They are for ALL women. I think, for myself, that it may take longer because I’m getting rid of old habits and ways of thinking that have been programmed in me all my life. But it CAN be done. Don’t give up. Think of places you can put yourself where there will be other people.

    This first “new guy” that has be emailing me is the first in a very long time. But I am proud of myself because I refused to meet him for a drink the night he asked me (I need more notice). And he called me last week and we had a nice talk for awhile. Then he said the ball was in my court and to call him next. Since these tools are still so fresh to me, I didn’t think of a response until I got offline, but I emailed him and said I enjoyed our talk and would like to have a drink sometime, but I said I felt awkward calling a man, especially one I was just getting to know. I said I was an old-fashioned girl and liked to follow mom’s advice of “always let the boy call you.” I said it lighthearted but still said what I was feeling and that I wasn’t taking the lead on this.

  164.  #164Kate on January 11, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Hi Rori, thanks for your response. I have been on eHarmony and another dating site, and have had emails, but the handful of dates I’ve had from eHarmony did not turn into 2nd ones. In emails, they have not asked to meet me, but I have just started using the “feeling” sentences, so maybe that will make a difference. I work afternoon shift with mostly men (you’d think I wouldn’t have a problem, but most of them are in relationships already and I feel they see me as friends. In 10 years, I’ve never been invited to any functions by them, I’m told it’s because I am unattached and attractive and they do not want to upset their wives), so evening events are not possible except on weekends. Everyone at work says I smile all the time and comment I’m always happy, so I don’t know what else I could do in that department.

    I feel like nothing I do works as I have been trying to date for a long time; I’ve been to therapy and they do not understand why I am having challenges being asked out. I feel discouraged a lot of the time, but then pull myself out of it and keep going.

    I’ve had a man “kinda” interested, we went out twice, but then he drifted away. He texts every now and then but I feel he is not very interested as he does not ask me out nor call me. He texted me tonite that he thought I looked pretty at work today, and I replied “thank you” and that it felt great that he noticed. He did not respond after that.

    I do not have any family in my state, so there is not a lot of opportunity for someone to “set me up” with a friend or coworker…

    Any suggestions would be most appreciated; I feel good about my life and have accepted that love may not happen for me, but I really WANT to have a great loving relationship that is lifelong.

    Thanks, Vicki, for your suggestions, I feel like they will help and will try them out!


  165.  #165Flipper on January 12, 2010 at 6:28 pm


    As a smiler and pleaser and always easy-goinger and attractive myself, I felt triggered picking up on this: “Everyone at work says I smile all the time and comment I’m always happy, so I don’t know what else I could do in that department. … I feel discouraged a lot of the time, but then pull myself out of it and keep going.” This is where we went wrong!

    Do you really feel Happy when you feel Discouraged, and then want to smile to express that?? This is where we have to work on being more authentic. It’s not possible that we could be 100% happy at every moment, so people pick up on that fakeness (I’ve noticed that the more perceptive ones get it better than I do about myself!). Sure, it’s nice to have that always pleasant and professional manner to greet them at work, but nobody feels connected to us Personally that way. I don’t have to become Debby Downer or jeopardize my job with temper tantrums, but I can allow myself to show wistfulness, annoyance, disappointment, elation, and a lot more even in that setting.

    Wishing us “Good feelingness” on our journeys through what we’re really feeling and learning how to show/share it – appropriately at work, much more aptly and intimately in our personal relations.

  166.  #166Kate on January 12, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    Hi Flipper; thank you for your advice, you’re totally right in reminding me to be authentic. I do feel I have my “quiet” days when I don’t feel well or are feeling depressed. I tend to keep to myself on those days, but don’t really share my feelings with my coworkers. Again, they’re mostly men and I have not shared when I’m feeling down. Usually I will confirm that I am annoyed or frustrated, but nothing too personal. What do you all think? How much can I reveal at work without being too personal and yet appear SOFT on the outside, yet strong inside? Thanks!!!

  167.  #167kate on January 18, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Hi Rori; I’m feeling a bit desperate…any idea why men are not asking me out? thanks, Kate