Your Valentine’s Day Dance With Yourself

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If Valentine’s Day seems special to you, and that “specialness” is making you feel blue – you’re not alone.

We women are just taught from birth that romance is something that DEFINES us – that if we don’t have it, there’s something wrong, if we don’t have it, this minute, we’re supposed to FEEL bad.

When the TRUTH is – Romance is our BIRTHRIGHT.

Just because we’re women!

It’s as though we have Romance printed on us.  It’s in the cells of our beings, it’s why we’re the prize.

In every animal culture – the men have to get themselves dolled up, learn a special dance, and fight other males to get a female as a partner – either temporarily or permanently.

They still have to do the “Dance.”

So, why are we buying into this lie that it’s US, us WOMEN – who’re supposed to be doing the “Dance”?

We’ve just been taught this all wrong.

The way we human women get “dolled up” is to unleash our INSIDES so that WHO WE ARE shows up on our OUTSIDE.

In other words – a man has to see, feel, and “get” our full uniqueness, authenticity, depth and warmth from the moment he lays eyes on us.

So – if we’re busy being “on the lookout” for our Mr. Right, or if we’re always making the man we already have “wrong,” or “less than our dream man” in our eyes…we completely CLOSE OFF the most foolproof, powerful, amazing way we have of ATTRACTING exactly what we want to us.

Even if our Mr. Right is standing in our living room, or across the hallway, or across the street, or across town – he’ll FEEL the attraction.

He can’t help it.

It comes through us – from our insides to our outsides – and it just blows away anything else around him.  He feels COMPELLED to KNOW who we are, and to BE with us.

It sounds so simple – and the unbelievably fabulous thing about it is – it IS that simple.

The problem is that we’ve been taught to do the exact reverse of this simple thing, and so we’re pretty much unable to even IMAGINE what it feels like to do it.

We’ve been brainwashed, and now the voices in our own heads are steering us wrong.

We’ve created habits for ourselves that ruin things, even before we get a chance to say “Hello” to a man.

Every time a man we’re in a relationship with does something we don’t like, or that doesn’t feel good – we’re taught to do the exact opposite of what will actually WORK for us.

Try this Tool right now:

1. Pick up a pen

2. Look at the pen, really look at it, and then FALL IN LOVE WITH IT.

That’s right, fall in love with it.  You can do it in about 3 seconds – you’ll be shocked at how easy it is.


3. Go to the mirror

4. Look at yourself in the mirror.  Smile at yourself. Now…


If you feel silly – that’s GREAT!

I want you to feel silly – because feeling silly is absolutely CHARMING!

5. Now, anywhere you are, if you see a mirror (or, at work, you can go to the bathroom) – look at yourself and FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF all over again.

The more you do it, the more your “energy” will shift.

And the more your energy shifts, and the more you have this “glow” around you of being in love with yourself…the more ATTRACTED to you EVERY man will be.

You’ll also get to see how easily we’re talked out of this…we’ve just been taught that falling in love with ourselves is “selfish” or “high and mighty” – don’t listen to those Nasty Voices.

The FASTEST way for a man to Fall In Love With YOU is for you to ALWAYS be in love with YOURSELF.

And I don’t want you to just THINK about this – I want you to DO this Tool all day long, in short bursts of less than 10 seconds.

Just a quick smile and a “knowing” that you’re the best, that you’re totally, forever in love with yourself.

Before you know it, he’ll be jumping at the chance to JOIN you in that love for you.

If you’d like to know, in such a simple, clear, easy – and most important – FUN way – EXACTLY how you can break down a man’s defenses and bring him CLOSER to you, you’ll want to take a look at my new Modern Siren program.

It’s unlike anything you’ve ever heard before, and it works – fast.

The Siren teaches you how to quickly rediscover your own inner Siren – so that you can DRAW in ANY man in a powerful way.

As a Siren, you begin to FEEL the power you HAVE – just because you’re a woman – so that every man around you instinctively starts to do the “Dance” he has to do to GET you.

All of a sudden, his mating instincts kick in, and he WANTS to do WHATEVER it takes to be with you.

Siren will teach you to USE your emotions – to make a man feel, above all else, SAFE with you.

But in a different way than we’re taught…

We’re taught that for a man to feel safe – we have to “take care” of his feelings – nurture him.

And it’s truly just the OPPOSITE!

A man feels safe with us when WE feel safe with us.

That means WE feel safe with ALL of us – all of our emotions, no matter how unpleasant or weak or “ugly” we may judge them to be.

The moment a man feels (and he feels this RIGHT OFF) – that you love and accept ALL of yourself – he instantly believes that you’ll love and accept ALL of HIM!

And feeling loved and accepted for who he is is the number one thing that inspires a man to want to be with you.

The old way of “making him feel loved and accepted” – by “telling him” or “showing him” actually PUSHES a man AWAY.

The SIREN way of making a man feel loved and accepted for exactly who he is – is for YOU to show him that you can love, accept and HANDLE ALL of YOU.

This is why confidence and self-esteem are so incredibly ATTRACTIVE to a man.

The thing is – you don’t HAVE to feel confident and have high-self esteem to unleash your inner SIREN and ATTRACT a man in an unbelievably irresistible way.

All you have to do is love and accept WHATEVER’S going on with you – and let him SEE it.

Let me know how it feels to Fall In Love With Yourself – I’m doing this all the time right along with you…and let’s make this Valentine’s Day OUR day.

Let’s change the meaning of Valentine’s – let’s “Dance” only for OURSELVES – and celebrate as so many men “Dance” to get US.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on February 14, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Thank you Rori. I feel so inspired by this post. I really like that I’m supposed to show a man that I can love, accept, and handle all of me! That feels so good. I can so feel how this will work! Even when I feel sad, frustrated, afraid. Even when I feel guilty for hurting his feelings. If I can love myself then he will too, naturally. Ohhh it feels so lovely.

  2.  #2katja on February 14, 2009 at 5:00 am

    Thats a great post! I just needed to read something like this and do this quick tool to remind myself that I have to love myself first so that others can love me.

    Feels great and powerful! Thank you,Rori!

    Happy Valentine’s Day for all of you!

  3.  #3Erika on February 14, 2009 at 8:15 am

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Rori!

    “The moment a man feels (and he feels this RIGHT OFF) – that you love and accept ALL of yourself – he instantly believes that you’ll love and accept ALL of HIM!”

    That is so right on. I tell the guys over on RSD Nation that if you boiled down the attraction game to one word, it would be “self-acceptance.”

    When you’re happy and having fun and loving yourself and everyone else unconditionally, everyone wants to be a part of it 🙂

    p.s. on another note, I was happy to see Mercedes’ uplifting comments a few posts back.

  4.  #4Kelly on February 14, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Happy Valentine’s Day beautiful ones…

    My friend Tama Kieves wrote this on a day she wasn’t feeling much self love. It spoke to me and was a perfect reminder especially on the day we celebrate this most amazing universal truth…

    “Show up anyway. Sit before the dry desert. This is an act of honor. I arrive for myself in all conditions. I am not a festive attendant—only interested in my own company when I am light and crackling with mental clarity like lightning. My mind is an unclear lake right now, muddy, sandy, rocky, dry and thick. I see nothing else on the horizon in this moment, no matter what the Platitude Girl says on top of the hill.

    Yet I will sit down with myself, put a silky arm around my bony shoulders, sit and pray and be. I will not smack this self across the face by wishing for a different moment. I will not cut and paste her reality. I will not push her aside, anxious to move on. I will sit with this self, be with the difficulty, the anxiety, the pressing lack of certainty. I will sit with this self and be her friend. I will be gentle with my presence by her side. I will sit there until the sun goes down and rises and burns itself out. I will never leave. I will never ask for more or better.

    I will be so total in my presence and love that she will feel the silky presence of rose petals running through her bloodstream. She will feel full and present, she will breathe deeply. She will be healed and arise of her own accord. She will breathe a sigh of relief as deep as the well of the earth and as deep as her beginning and ending all rolled into one. She will feel a weight lifted, a gravity will leave her belly and her butterfly heart. She will giggle with all of her being. She will glow as freshly as the new moon. She will leave the barren world behind and plant flowers and seeds for trees and vegetables and roses and sunflowers. She will float up like a dandelion and blow away, she will heal of herself. She will know what to do and when to do it. She will feel loved. And she will know how to love.”

    Be your own BEST Valentine today 🙂

  5.  #5Reshi on February 14, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Today I’m feeling like a rose in bloom, feeling very strongly my desire for a sexual connection with another. Noticing that for me, this is the same feeling I got while playing on the playground at recess (yay for puberty in elementary school…), the feeling I always had at the last day of school. It feels like this wonderful, lively freedom, a desire for freedom and an affirmation of freedom. Feels like being outside.

    I also feel scared because I know my family does not think highly of those who engage in sex outside of marriage. I want to connect in that way and I still want to be respected and respectable as a human being. AND I want to feel like I’m free to make my own sexual choices–and like I’ll always make choices that honor me.

    I feel like enjoying my own sexual feelings honors me. Denying them or telling them to go away or wishing I didn’t have them or pretending I don’t have them–i feel these things dishonor me. I feel these things drain the life out of my body. I feel that letting off steam by making constant, sarcastic sexual jokes dishonors me (and it’s such a habit). I feel that sex on the third date would dishonor me, that sex with a man I’m not attracted to would dishonor me. Conscious celibacy would honor me; fear-based celibacy would dishonor me. Any relationship that feels like a power struggle–like I’m withholding sex to get marriage, or he’s promising marriage to get sex–would dishonor me.

    I feel so very demanding.

    Kelly, your friend’s poem is absolutely gorgeous. Such a beautiful valentine.

  6.  #6TW on February 14, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I can totally understand how you are feeling… Hi DAria!! I too want to feel the intimacy that my LI and I once shared. The last time we were together, it seemed to disconnected. You should make your decision for you and not your family. If you choose to share yourself physically with someone, you should feel free to do so with no negativity. Sex is a part of love. Most people who are in love or love someone wants to share that intimate moment with them. That is special. I want to know that my LI cherishes me and that I can respond by sharing myself and the openess of my heart during that moment with him. I do not wish to have sex with someone who does not care about me in the way that I need him to and maybe I should set a boundary with myself to not share myself with my LI no matter what unless he is treating me well. I am so confused right now because I want him to love me so much you know and I feel that he does not like he once did. He continues to be a part of my life for some reason though. I am getting ready to order a program… Not sure which one though. Feel free to open your heart and your body and your mind to experienceing the sharing of your body with someone special.

  7.  #7cookie on February 14, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Thanks so much kelly for sharing those words. Ur friend actually created the words to describe the goddess I hope I am becming. Happy love day to all of us!

  8.  #8Reshi on February 14, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    I don’t believe love exists. I don’t feel I will ever experience it again. I feel like all relationships are just a superficial exchange of sex for money, and like men really don’t have hearts at all. I feel like they just think with their penises and will take advantage of me and then drop me the minute they’ve had their fill. Love sounds so alien right now. I feel very angry, bitter, hardened, and cynical, and I don’t feel anyone actually cares about me.
    That’s a clear sign that I’m not caring about myself. I had a chocolate bar for lunch today–an all too common occurrence–and I asked myself why and the answer was “it’s cheaper and faster than a real meal.” Well, the hell with that, I really am not saving any time or money if I starve and poison myself. I’m now at Whole Foods having a decent meal of soup and salad. 😀

    But I still doubt the love of men. I have someone in my life who’s doing all the right things and I really enjoy being with him, but I am not sure how I feel. He’s definitely a messenger. I’ve learned 1) that I’m not the only person who thinks I’m hot, 2) that a decent man would respect my right to a shoe or purse collection like I respect his right to a car or computer collection, and 3) only those who are on board with my dreams need apply. And a lot of other things too.

    It’s a start. It’s hard to be in touch with my feelings on a date, I find myself smiling and trying to be flirty, and I don’t do flirty well. But I’m also realizing that, well, I’m kind of a big deal, one-of-a-kind. You won’t find another Reshi out there. I’m not one of those disposable, interchangeable magazine women that my mind tells me all men want. Not a toy that you can just play with and then put down. I appreciate this man for seeing that about me–that I’m kind of rare.

  9.  #9tucsoncarinsuranceguy on February 14, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    Awesome post! Added you to my reader a while back have not been dissapointed, keep up the great posting.

  10.  #10alias girl on February 14, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    i love reshi! (and everyone else on here too!) i feel like i’m kind of a big deal too. one of a kind. 🙂

    i don’t feel that well today. it feels like a flood waiting to overtake me and since i am unconsciously holding it back all i am left with is a headache. but mentally i feel happy and hopeful and spiritually i feel aligned. i feel loving and loved. it’s just this trauma. i googled how to release trauma trapped in the body. i just want to be free of this. it feels like the jaws of life spiderey thing holding me down. ick. i want it gone.

    i feel very happy about reshi eating good food instead of sugar. 🙂 i am very big health nut! 🙂

    i feel about to cry. i don’t feel like riffing but will try. ugh. i feel sick. i feel naseaus. i feel like i’m going to die. my vagina feels so deep that it goes to the neverending ends of the universe. my head feels like it’s going to explode. it hurts on the right side.i feel sick.i feel Alot of enegy in my body. i feel sick. 🙁 my face feels like it’s being pulled down. my head hurts. i feel like there is a grenade in the right side of my head.

    now i feel like stone. frozen stone.

    ugh. yeah anyway, like i was saying i am trying to find a method to release this crapola bc it is interfering with my fabulous life.

    i love this tool by the way. this i love you tool. it is Very easy to fall in love with a pen iin three seconds. that is an amzing tool to have. esp if you are already in a relationship with a man. and definitely for everytime i see/think of myself.xoxo

  11.  #11Linda on February 14, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Any holiday that promotes chocolate (my favorite food) and the color red (my favorite color) is GREAT. Valentines day is just a day. I am looking for a relationship where it is valenitines day everyday. I dont think it is impossible.

    I find sharing my feelings outloud especially the ones that make me feel naked an vunerable, scarey and cleansing. I miss feeling like I did when the man I loved was in my life. However, I dont miss him. For the longest time I just wanted him back, but now I know that I dont even want to see him again. He doesnt feel safe anymore. At the end .. the way I was treated… made me feel worthless and unconfident. Really ugly. I am so glad I dont feel that way anymore.

    As I reflect today, I did not feel bad or sad. It was a level day for me. One that allowed me to realized that my feelings are to be listened to because they reflect what I believe about myself.

    Today I believe that I am okay. I am my best friend today.


  12.  #12Reshi on February 15, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Well, I had the BEST damn Valentine’s Day ever–well, after my fit of rage at work where I threw my headset across the room…some friends had asked me to bellydance at a party and I said yes even though I hadn’t performed in 5 years…and I was a hit (according to the 7 people in the audience–6 women and one man).

    It was an interesting experience because the man had stepped out for a bit and I sweet-talked my friend into teaching us some tantra while he was out…so we were all deep in this delicious feminine energy and then he came back…poor guy shut down instantly and went into the back room to sleep! xDD They really can’t handle certain things like we can. (Though they certainly have their strengths…)

  13.  #13Tracy on February 15, 2009 at 4:46 am

    Linda, i am so happy for you that u are finally moving on and leaving the past as it should be…..right now i just read something that reminded me of my X and it really triggered me…i decided to read it instead of shying away so that i could feel whatever i was going to feel and move on….i felt sad…i felt lonely…i felt angry and used…i felt like he had taken advantage of me and left me to move on with his life and it feels like anger mixed with frustration and it feels really bad!….i feel i should meet this nice man and date him just to get back at him for what he did….i feel vengeful and angry…i love my anger and vengance but i know better than to keep looking at the past…
    i know that he was not right for me…i feel that what we had was just an imaginary relationship and i feel unhappy that i was not able to make it real….i feel that eventually it would not have worked and i feel relieved that i have a nother chance to move on and find someone else…
    i feel that i am slowly getting to a better place where i love me more and this valentines i felt happier than i have in such a long time because this time i chose to love me fisrt….it felt good….i feel relieved to have let it all out…
    sorry ladies for riffing on this post where everyone is in a happy mood….feels great to have somewhere to vent…at least now i feel i can go back to loving my self…xoxoxo…

  14.  #14katja on February 15, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Oh my god,I have to get something off my chest…I am so upset about and angry at myself for not being able to stand up for myself. Story behind this…The mother of my boyfriend and grandmother of my daughter is a total leaning-forward kind of woman. She always gives advice how to take care for the baby,gives her son advices how to do this and that,buys clothes for the baby (nothing wrong with that if she would ask before if we NEED those),she even buys clothes for me from time to time (clothes I would never wear because they don’t match with my style) and she gives us advice how we should furnish our home etc. I try to ignore this most of the time,but it makes me angry that I do not have the guts to say what I think! Today she called and asked what plans we have for today. I said “nothing special”. I had planned to take the baby for a walk,alone,without my boyfriend.But I didn’t say it. She said “ok,then we are coming over taking the baby for a walk.” And I reminded silent. I wasn’t able to say anything against it. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say that I wanted to take my daughter for a walk. I didn’t say anything. I just handed the phone over to my boyfriend who didn’t knew my plan. He talked in an angry voice with her because she asked him if we want to visit them for coffee – he said no. Then she said that she and her husband are coming over taking the baby for a walk and my boyfriend said ok. After talking to her he was angry and said he doesn’t want them to come over. And I said that I don’t want that too. But then I said (I don’t know why) that I don’t mind her taking the baby for a walk. What is going on with me??? Am I scared of this woman??? Am I scared of myself for saying whats on my mind??? Or am I afraid of not being liked by saying whats on my mind???

    I think it’s the last one and I could be angry at her for being such a leaning-forward kind of woman,but it’s my own fault that I don’t have enough confidence to say anything against her.

    I just had to get that off my chest…

    Btw there’s something I have to say about Valentine’s Day…My boyfriend and I couldn’t spend the day together because he had to work but he came home with seven roses for me and a nice card-I felt great and special.

    Love and hugs to all of you!

  15.  #15Reshi on February 15, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    Tracy, there’s never a need to apologize for riffing! Believe me, I’ve been the one to do it more than several times. I feel that being able to see everyone’s process adds so much to my own–and it feels like the days when I’ve had the most doubt about whether I should post all that angst are the days when all sorts of people comment on how they were moved or helped or inspired by me.

    The whole point is to learn to feel and express what we feel, so that we can do it easily when we have men around. At least that’s the way I see it.

    I feel special to be loved by Alias Girl. <3 I love her too, I love all of you. 😀

    Cousin’s bridal shower is today. I really shouldn’t be in a mood to be celebrating a bridal shower, but it will feel good to see everyone again. I’ve noticed CRAZY shifts in the way my family treats me–all of a sudden I feel like I’m actually respected and cared for by the older generation. Like I’m a part of the family and no longer the black sheep–now I feel accepted for the person I am. It feels like being a grownup. And I feel sad that my sisters aren’t on that page with me yet, and wonder if they ever will be. I want them to be but I have to accept that they’re free to make their own decisions. I finally feel connected to my mother and father and sisters and brother and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents, and that feels SO much better than feeling like I’m in a box by myself and constantly under attack from my family. And it only happened once I started to love and accept myself.

    It’s been a long road, and there’s so much more on the horizon.

  16.  #16cookie on February 15, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    I actually had a very good valentines day. All of the seven years I been w my guy this is the first year I didn’t buy anything or try to plan anything. My guy askd what we were doing on wed. I said I don’t want to make plans. On vday I got up n got my hair done bought a card for him n a gift for my mom. My guy called me sayn what time we going to meet, I told him when I would b ready. He said I have an idea but I’m not sure, I said I will b happy what u come up with. He took me out for dinner, I spent my

  17.  #17cookie on February 15, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    My energy on being cute n finding little ways to love myself no matter how he acted or did or didn’t do. And I can say that this was the best vday I ever had w him cuz I wasn’t stressed. Yey leaning back!

  18.  #18Daria on February 15, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    I feel so sad. I feel like I have a lifelong incurable disease. The no money disease. I am doomed to have no money. No matter how smart I am or pretty I am not making money. when I did make money it was not enough and it was temporary. Now I am making none. This by the way is not true. I do make money. I feel sad. I feel sad. And that feels like leaning my head toward my shoulder, like sleepy eyes that want to sleep on my shoulder. It feels like warm face resting in the sadness. I feel sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. I feel a pinching under my rib. I feel a little smile. I feel like I am my own mom and idulgently smiling at her daughter. I feel pinching in my shoulder too. I feel pouty lips, teeth pushing against each other. I feel sleepy.

    I don’t even know if I want my business anymore. I just want money. I worry that I will still not be able to have my schedule to do what I want. Ironically I have my schedule to do what I want right now and I mostly sit at the computer and feel bad about not having my business yet.

    I feel incapable of having my own business. I feel unworthy. I am unworthy because I am not making any money. So I am unworthy of making money because I’m not making any right now. I feel afraid of my parents because I feel I have to feel bad around them. I have to feel bad because I have no money and they are helping me. I feel bad, and sleepy, and kind of good too. I feel a sigh. I feel sad. I feel sad. I feel sad. I feel sad. It feels so good to type that. I feel a pinching on my hip/butt. I love my feelings. I love my feeling of worthlessness. I love my fear of success. I love my anger. I feel worthless and that is ok. It is ok to be worthless. It is ok to be worthless because I love myself. It’s ok to be worthless. That feels relaxing. I feel pinching on the side of my nose, and on my arm, and on my thigh, and on my neck and near my vagina. And I love all those pinches. ON my hand now, and the side of my neck and still o nmy nose. My head feels like lifting now. I feel very hopeless. It is ok to be hopeless. I love my hopelessness. I love my panic. I love how panic stirrs up such a flurry of activity in my body, so many tensions and tingles and pinches. Which are not really going on right now. Just wanted to remind myself of that name, Panic, for next time I feel it. Which is often, at some level or anthoer. I feel pinched in my ear. I feel pinched in my shoulder. I feel pinched in my armpit. I feel very sleepy eyes. Thank you feelings. I love all my feelings and sensations.

    I feel scared of being insulted by my parents. That is ok. I love my fear. I love my fear. I love my fear. That feels like pressing into the side of my nose. I love my pressing. I love my little pain in my cheek muscles when I smile. I love the tension in my shoulders. I love my closing eyes. I love my inner yawn and yawn sound.

  19.  #19Dorothea on February 16, 2009 at 12:52 am

    I just enjoyed the best Valentine’s Day of my life (so far). I know it’s because of Rori Raye and everyone’s positive influence. This year I leaned back as much as I could bear, even when it felt unnatural and terrifying. I have made a whole life out of trying to control outcomes and avoid potentially disappointing situations, and looking back I can see how that actually CAUSED disappointing situations.

    Well, obviously that wasn’t working how I needed it to. You all have inspired me to try something completely different. Subscribing to Circular Dating, I realized I was completely safe to lean back and try something different now. What a lovely experiment it was! I feel more authentic and loving of myself than ever – it feels like I don’t need to control external outcomes or situations to love myself no matter what.

    Right now I feel transformed and grateful to have discovered a new paradigm. <3 <3 <3. I feel proud and brave for having tried something completely different just to give it a chance because I love myself. I really mean it when I say that the people who write here have been a major inspiration!

  20.  #20Linda G on February 16, 2009 at 4:11 am

    We expect so much of ourselves on days like this. The TV is full of romantic movies, commercials, suddenly Valentines day has become this national holiday, everyone greets you, the kids in school are told to wear red. Enough! I get it! But I’m not a part of it. And I would be happier if I could just concentrate on every day as an opportunity to maybe connect with someone and not have aday for comparison and evaluation.
    what does <3 mean?
    Linda G

  21.  #21Flipper on February 16, 2009 at 5:12 am

    Look at it sideways, Linda G – it makes a little…heart. Happy post-Valentine’s Days to all – aren’t we lucky? There are so many more of them.

  22.  #22Flipper on February 16, 2009 at 5:13 am


  23.  #23Linda on February 16, 2009 at 6:40 am


    You and I seem to be in similar places. My relationship was not imaginary but I realized that because of him and is issues was NOT HEALTHY. I am so glad to be free of it. I pray every day for God to bring me a healthy relationship. First with me my children, and then a new man. I dont know who he is but he is out there.

    The fellow I met a few weeks back and I decided to tell that I was not feeling the connection that I needed has contacted me again. GIrls let me tell you. I am so relaxed. I am not worried about what I say or do. I am just enjoying me. I talked to him a couple of times and ate lunch with him yesterday. I know he is not marriage material for me but. I got my ears on and listening to the message he is bringing me. I asked (I have never done this before) what is it that attracted you to me. He said and I quote..” there is something beyond the picture” you are not afraid to tell me the truth” and that look in your eye, is confident mysterious and quite inviting!. WOW I was liking that !!!!

    So… I think thru it all I am getting stronger. I do like who I am for the first time not conforming myself to fit him. I am leaning back and he can step to my stride this time. HOW totally FREEING for me. Of course it helps that he is willing to be open and communicate.

    So my frog.. well he may not be my prince but I am gonna have fun. For the first time in my life I think I am on the right road because I am just having fun.


  24.  #24Mercedes on February 16, 2009 at 8:42 am

    I think sometimes as women, we can take the siren thing too far and actually push men away that way as well. We can give them the impression we are selfish and conceited. We can seem hard to reach.

    For me, I do take the siren thing to extreme…but I do it in my head and heart…not out loud. I have never once told my boyfriend that I am a goddess and I expect to be treated that way. I simply treat myself as a goddess and he treats me that way too. If I were to straight up tell him I expect to be treated that way, I can hear the words now…he’d say “ok Princess…but you’re on your own!”. But…since I don’t say that to him and I do treat myself (and him) with love and respect, he’s right there…giving it all back to me…and I don’t have to ask for it.

    I also think it’s so important for us to give as much love as we can. We need to be expressing our love all the time (for ourselves and for our partners). Rori has a wonderful lesson for us about not over-functioning…but that doesn’t mean not loving. Getting up and waiting on our men hand and foot isn’t expressing love. Giving him whatever he wants and not standing up for ourselves isn’t expressing love. But…complimenting him (with things we REALLY mean – I’ll tell my guy sometimes things like “your confidence really turns me on” and he LOVES it) and kissing and touching him…those things will bring a man closer and closer. It is so important to lean back, but sometimes we do need to initiate those touches. Then…when we lean back and stop doing it, they miss it…and they touch us. Think about it…if we sit next to our men on the couch and watch tv (and we make this a regular pattern) and once in a while, we lean in and cuddle up with them, it will feel good. Then…all of a sudden one day we’re at the other end of the couch (looking sexy – I watch tv in a tank top and panties – umm…no kids in the room…lol) he’ll miss what he’s gotten used to. My guy will actually reach over and pull me onto his lap. He does it because he’s so used to the affection and when I pull it away, he’s uncomfortable with the change.

    In my opinion, men like a rut…they don’t like change. That’s why so many of our relationships get “stuck in a rut” and we women get frustrated…the men…well..they actually LIKE it (go fiture, huh?) So…if we make love and affection part of that rut. If we make kissing and touching and snuggling up part of that rut…then….when we don’t want to be the one reaching out for it anymore….we take it away from him….he’ll come get it…and that’s what we want! We get it without manipulating him or “talking him into it”, etc.

    I began my relationship by including lots of affection. We touched a lot. He got used to it (as a matter of fact, when we go to bed, we always always start out with my head on his chest and his arms around me) and he likes it. Now, when I want him to reach for me, I’ll lay down in bed with my head on my pillow instead of his chest. He’ll actually whine and say “where are you?” and pull me into him. We watch tv in each other’s arms. When I’m missing HIM initiating the intimacy, I’ll sit down on the other end of the couch and I’ll watch him reach out to touch my leg or foot and pretty soon, he’s pulling me to him.

    We can lean back, but we can’t hold back. We need to let go of any and all manipulation tactics and negative thoughts about men in general. The way I see it, if we don’t love men…all men (regardless of looks, age, whatever) we’re sending out a “men are pigs” vibe and guys feel it. We need to give what we want sometimes or the guys don’t know what we want. I want affection…so…I give affection. When I pull away, it’s just a little bit and it’s never in a mean way. I pull away without pain or expectations (I pull away BEFORE I’m feeling hurt) and I wait with my heart and my body open to him and when he comes to me, I welcome him. I NEVER tell him he should have been doing that all along. I NEVER tell him I’m expecting him to treat me that way. I simply treat myself that way and when he doesn’t (come on ladies…they are MEN after all…they’ll slip sometimes…lol) I show him with love an openness (not words) that I am a goddess and I need to be treated that way. It works…not every time…but with patience….I’d have to say it works 98% of the time. 🙂 Men are so cute! lol

  25.  #25heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Mercedes – I TOTALLY agree!!

    I’m glad you’re here – I’m in a relationship too, and wanting to be the best me I can be.

    Loving and respecting each other feels RIGHT to me. I still need to explore some aspects of myself though, learning to express myself clearly and honestly.

  26.  #26heartbeat on February 16, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    My approach is – if I feel like doing something like touching, and I’m not doing it to GET a result of some kind, then it is a form of my EXPRESSION. I would need to be parcelled in clingfilm not to touch, it feels so natural! But I also know when I’m feeling clingy, and beat a trail to the bathroom instead, or take my thoughts and feelings for a stroll around the room… til I’m back in myself again.

  27.  #27Tracy on February 17, 2009 at 3:06 am

    mercedes…..i love your way of doing things…very inspiring….would love to try that and see how it goesss.thanks for the comment…it really helped my present situation.
    Linda…i totally agree with you about loving yourself first the kids then the man that comes along….i have faith that this will happen sooner thatn we think..there was a post that Kelly put that really blew me off…a lady told her that she did not need to stress herself so hard or work too hard…that the right man would come to her…i felt so touched by those words…and the fact that she had resolved to focus on dating and working on herself in the meantime…its exactly as rori says…you just focus on yourself…love yourself and the rest will follow…
    Mercedes…i agree with the comment on complementing your man and not bragging outright about being goddesses but simply feeling it…it works better that way….however for myself,i am coming from a place where all i did was give and give and give ….and honestly i feel that i never really knew why i giving and when i didnt receive i got so frustrated…now i am learning to receive and learning to speak the truth about me and how i feel and it feels liberating…
    i feel happy that though i am stil trying to figure out what i want i feel happier about being me and having the life i have…it feels relieving…
    yesterday the nasty voices were all over and i was feeling really low…i realised that whenever i feel low i try to get on the chat or talk to someone to try and make me feel better instead of embrassing my feelings first sinking into them then going through to a much better place…Rori’s tools are starting to sink in and i intend to make a plan how to deal with my irky feelings…i love them because they are mine and i am going to deal with them….it feels safe to know that i can go through this…
    Thank you lovely ladies for all your imput…i read this blog as much as i can and i cant seem to stop saying this…the ideas and experiences are priceless…lots o hugz…xoxoxoxo

  28.  #28Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 7:27 am

    Everyone here is so nice here! I’m so glad I found this place. Tracy, I came from a place of too much giving too. I was so engrossed in making my husband happy that I totally lost myself. I had no idea what it was like to feel happy…no idea at all. When I decided to do what felt right to me and to stop all of the pretending, he discovered he didn’t even like me. Not just didn’t love me, but didn’t even like me. That was not his fault. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. When the real me came out, we had nothing in common. I was not the right woman for him at all and he divorced me. Now…I have the right man. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but have corrected them and J and I are so much in love and so perfect for each other. My ex has found someone to love too. He’s found someone who really is what I was pretending to be. I keep learning and growing and working on remembering to be honest and authentic ALL OF THE TIME…and hopefully I will not repeat old mistakes. I have a pretty good handle on what I need to do to stay a goddess and I doubt I would ever go back to my old ways, but it doesn’t hurt to continue to learn and grow…ya know?

    Heartbeat…you are so right! I also do what feels right but as soon as I feel myself reaching out too much, I know it doesn’t feel totally right and that’s when I back off. I love what you said about when you’re clingy you beat a trail to the bathroom…I do the SAME THING! Nobody bothers you in there and you can breathe and think and feel until you’re back. I love that.

    My favorite thing to do to J when I want him to get up and come to me (like when I get home from work and he’s too busy doing something else to pay much attention to me) is this: I will walk right past him. I’ll say hi but just keep walking to the bedroom or bathroom…I walk past him though so he sees me but I don’t stop. It takes usually about 3 – 5 minutes in the other room before he comes to me and asks what I’m doing. “Just taking care of some things.” I’ll say. Generally he’ll say something about not getting a kiss and I’ll tell him he looked busy and I didn’t want to feel like an interruption. LOL….that’s when he assures me I’m not and he kisses me and (he’s a smart one) gets the hint! It will be weeks or even months before he forgets to get up and give me a kiss when I come home again. I have so many ways of leaning back that he “doesn’t notice” but…yet…notices a LOT. Little changes I make (and I do them before I ever let it get to the point of me being upset and trying to figure out what’s wrong) throw him for a loop and he’s all over me. I’m open but not leaning in. I love it and it works like a charm. Again, if you want affection…give it….then…take away just a touch of it and he’s all over you! 🙂

  29.  #29Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Wow, Mercedes, the story of your marriage sounds exactly like mine. I guess that means there’s hope…

  30.  #30Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 7:53 am

    Reshi: Sometimes it means there’s hope for the marriage and sometimes it means there’s hope for finding the right person. I just know we’re both much happier without each other and we were much happier even before either of us found someone new to love!

    Sometimes you have to let go of what is to see what might be.

    Scary, huh?

  31.  #31Mercedes on February 17, 2009 at 8:07 am

    OMG!!! Ok…I just re-read my last post. I want to make it CLEAR…I’m not recommending everyone get divorced and get happy! LOL. Divorce was right for me but for many people, putting your family back together and being whole again is right. When I say “sometimes you have to let go of what is to see what might be”, I don’t necessarily mean let go of your marriage. Maybe you need to let go of old ways, maybe you need to let go of the past, maybe your fears, maybe your negativity, maybe your stress about the future. For me…it was the whole way (the entire way) I was living my life that needed to be let go of. For many, it isn’t that extreme. Please…nobody take what I said in the wrong way. Divorce is painful and personal and I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. That is something each person has to decide for themselves…not based on advice from anyone else.

  32.  #32Reshi on February 17, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Oh no, there’s no hope for my marriage. But hope for finding someone better than him–that is what I am feeling. Someone who is like him in some ways–only actually has a heart and isn’t half machine.

    I feel like a bitter old bitch but it is what it is. He can’t love me for who I really am as a human and a woman. Can’t, or chose not to. Either way, he’s not what I want.

    Finding the right person…now that’s what I hope for. If I do, I won’t even begrudge him finding someone for himself.

  33.  #33Tracy on February 18, 2009 at 4:32 am

    Mercedes…i feel the same way about marriage and relationships….everyone has their own path and we should not judge each other only encourage and help as much as we can…i am catholic by faith but i feel that as far as marriage and divorce is concerned….its up to each person to decide how to go about it…sometimes we make huge mistakes sometimes we don’t…life for me feels like a learning process and there is really no set way to live it…that’s why i totally agree with loving oneself ant trying our best to be happy with who we are…no matter the circumsatances…
    Well for me i work with my X and he’s about to get married…today he needed to print some stuff so he asked if he could use the computer to print things for his wife to be….Of course it triggered me as hell and all the bad feelings came flowing back…so i asked myself why i was feeling bad and i realized that its because i feel scared i may never have that…someone looking out for me…doing stuff for me…i felt fear and frustration of having tried to make my relationship works but they failed…i felt that my X had nothing to do with my bad feelings…if he loves this woman thats okay…if he wants to do stuff for her thats okay…i need to deal with my own insecurities and fears…i need to find a nice safe place where i can feel loved and cherished…it was really an eye opener…
    since i started leaning back…he comes to say hi and checks up on me from time to time…i feel though that i deserve better..someone who will love me…and only me…someone i can connect to emotionally…someone i can feel i really know him..and can trust me…i deserve someone else who is AVAILABLE….it feels relieving to finally accept i cannot be with him and move on…it feels unhappy yes and sad but i feel hope and i feel that i can get better and i will get better….
    Reshi…i have no experience when it comes to marriage…but i have read through all your posts and i feel that ur in a much better place now about how you feel about yourself and what u really want….for me thats what is important because then you are able to make good decisions that will work for you…lots of hugs!

  34.  #34Reshi on February 18, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Tracy, thanks for the hugs and kind words. 😀 And ouch, working with the ex can’t possibly be easy. You’re super strong to be able to survive it.

  35.  #35Tracy on February 18, 2009 at 9:05 am

    yeah reshi…it drives me crazy sometimes..but i have decided to take it positively…and use him as a messanger…practise my leaning back and loving me and focusing on me….i feel that is weakest point…i feel relieved to share this with u guyz…i feel happy to be making progress…i feel i am getting better…it feels relaxing and effortless..
    I have been emailing this guy i met online and he’s coming over to visit and i can’t wait to meet him….i feel my old self wanting to jump right in and i feel scared i might ruin everthing and go back to my old self again..i feel worried about wether he’l like me…i feel scared i might focus too much on him likin me and he might get that vibe…i just want to have fun and enjoy myself…I have been circular dating and i am also meeting another guy tomorrow…i feel i most likely will not like him but i want to practise what i have learnt so i am simply going to enjoy myself….lets see how it goes…